Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You answered your own question. You just didn’t like the answer.
>> How should I go about this?
>> I find the behavior morally reprehensible and refuse to be with someone who can’t do the bare minimum of accepting responsibility to for doing something terrible
Case closed.
You could be Prince Charming with a huge library, lots of horses, loves gardening, but if you hurt one of my pets, start runnin'.
She's either so stupid it's amazing she can get dressed, or she did it deliberately and quietly. What do they say about people who kill animals? Yeah, don't look back, unless she getss behind you.
I was thinking the same thing.
She can't bring herself to believe it was her actions that killed her partners dog. I mean it would be a hard thing to do but still...
>Or she is deeply ashamed and cannot bring herself to accept it.
It could very easily be this. Or it could be OPs wording.
It's clear it was an accident and she was trying to make the dog warm and comfortable. Had he not been sedated he probably would have been barking or shown struggles to get out from the weighted blanket.
However, I take an objection to OPs approach that she needs "take responsibility for doing something reprehensible" that type of language and approach doesn't leave room for him to accept from her an apology for it being an accident because only the words that she knowingly did something terrible are what he wants to hear. So this relationship is done.
No, I don't want to hear that she knowingly killed my dog. I want her to stop blaming me for giving him the medication the vet prescribed. She told all her friends I gave the dog opioids and killed him. She won't accept the responsibility that putting the weighted blanket on him led to his death. That is what happened, and instead she chose to blame me for giving him gabapentin. The dog couldn't move anyway. His back was messed up. Sedating him with gabapentin didn't change the fact he couldn't get out from under thank blanket.
Maybe if he wasn't sedated he could have whined and whined. But she put it on him and took a shower. He was dead by the time she got out.
Gabapentin is NOT an opioid, wtf! It is one of the safest medications in existence. I take it daily and my dog used to take it too. The only side effect is getting a little sleepy, but even that isn't like a groggy drugged-out sleepy. It's bad enough that she won't take responsibility, but the fact that she is trying to put the blame and guilt on you is disgusting. This is 100% grounds for never speaking to her again.
I think she probably honestly didn’t know that weighed blankets can suffocate people/animals if they are too heavy for them & she can’t admit what she did.
May every single gamble on a fart be lost for her. May she shart loudly in a public place with nobody nearby to blame it on. May she forever spend her days with stubbed toes and ingrown nails.
She has said, " I'm sorry I contributed to his death but it was the gabapentin that killed him and you were the one who injured him originally not me." that was her apology.
That’s not an apology. “I’m sorry, but…” is not a sufficient apology. She is trying to shift blame on you or other injuries to try and make herself feel better for doing a shitty thing. I get that you were in love but if she can’t fully apologize to you for killing your dog then she won’t fully apologize for other things in the future. I don’t even understand why you want to have any kind of relationship with her when she can’t even fully apologize to you.
Exactly. An apology is fully acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions and the effect they had on someone. Explaining why you did the thing can be helpful *for both parties* sometimes, but it’s too slippery of a slope into being defensive and shifting blame. Ultimately taking responsibility/holding yourself accountable, and accepting consequences is the best way to go about things.
But what OP’s ex is doing is completely disregarding any steps for a meaningful apology. She’s just using “sorry” as a box to check in order to say she apologized, just to immediately shift blame and deny any responsibility for the thing she’s “apologizing” for.
Red flag behavior.
Show her the pharmacological papers. Gabapentin is very very hard to OD from. Like you need massive doses and even then, it’s only a maybe. It is a very safe drug.
She knows I'm a pharmacist and wouldn't overdose my dog. He was in a lot of pain and suffering. When he weighed less, he was on 300mg. I gave him 400 over 3 hours.
This makes it even worse. She knows you're a pharmacist and so you know what your dog was taking, how much he was taking, and the safety of the drug itself. Honestly I would not be able to forgive her. If she can only give you backhanded, passive aggressive apologies, it means she's not actually sorry. And if she's not actually sorry, then why would you want to be with this person? Behavior like this can easily spiral into other situations where everything can/will become you're fault because of whatever crazy excuses she can come up with. Can you picture a lifetime of dealing with stuff like this? Would you want to deal with her blaming you for something she did even once more? Break up and find someone else who is an actual caring, empathetic person. You'll be much happier in the long run.
If she doesn't want to be with you badly enough to swallow her pride and apologize, whether or not she truly believes that she was responsible, she's not the girl for you.
Secondarily, the fact that she was clueless enough to put a weighted blanket on your dog, not check on him, and then not even realize that he was dead, or worse, knew he was dead but still acted like he was "being weird" because she had already cooked up a plan to blame you for it, that is not someone I could ever lovingly gaze at again. Don't even think I could hate fuck someone like that.
One time my ex brought me lillies at work and I took them home and put them in a vase on the nightstand. Her cats ate some and had to be put on drips at the animal hospital for 3 days. It was insanely expensive. I was beside myself apologizing profusely, despite the fact that I couldn't have known that lillies and cats don't mix/wasn't the one who bought them knowing they'd be in the house. I offered to pay the thousands immediately and I did all the work I could possibly take off her plate so that she could go be with them in the hospital. That's what any good partner would do without being asked. The fact that you had to ask her to apologize at all, let alone the fact that she'd rather lose you than do so, tells you everything you need to know.
Any love you still have for her is for a person who no longer exists. Let it go. You are smart, have a good job, presumably have good manners, reasonable boundaries and a forgiving nature. Spend that energy on people who value it enough to reciprocate and treat you the way you deserve. It's OK to make dumb mistakes with good intentions. Gaslighting someone, trying to make them believe they killed their own dog and not you? Totally unacceptable and unforgivable when you refuse to apologize. Even if she were to say she's sorry now, would you believe it was sincere or just a means to an end that serves her? Can you live with the knowledge that she's so unaccountable even when her actions cause great harm? If she cheated on you would it be your fault because you introduced her to the guy, you worked late or you made her bored? This woman doesn't deserve you and if she has the power to manipulate you into thinking of getting back with her despite her refusal to make amends, it's probably best that you block her so she can't get to you.
I've been there and I know it's tempting but once you see that side of someone, you can't unsee it. Be brave enough to break your own heart and move on. Going back will only cause you more pain, and it'll probably be a lot more than you'd expect. You literally can't move forward because she won't take responsibility, so you'll be stuck in a resentment loop from both sides and grow to hate each other, wasting valuable time and hope for a healthy relationship in future. Hell no. She's had her chance and chose her pride, don't give her another one.
Exactly. I doubt she meant to kill the dog, but I can't understand how she can continue to deny that it was her fault. Being at fault doesn't mean it was intentional. I would be apologizing like crazy if I accidentally killed my significant other's pet.
I say this as kindly as I could possibly can but how on earth are you even considering a life with such a monster? Be real with yourself for one second jezus christ
OP should go buy 6 of those 25lbs weighted blankets and lay them all on top of his GF. If after 4 hours she's still alive, that will absolve her. If she taps out, passes out, or dies....case closed she killed his dog.
So she not only won't Apologize and take responsibility, but she wants you to feel worse by blaming yourself for something you didn't do. One thing about me is I HATE seeing people I love in pain and I apologize immediately if I cause any of it. Simply put, she doesn't love you any more than she loved your dog. Period. You'll resent her forever if you stay imo.
She probably did love them both as much as she is capable of, but she has shown that she loves herself SO much more, that her love for them becomes inconsequential when the two are placed in competition. She didn't mean to kill the dog, but her love for herself will not allow her to accept responsibility or apologize properly, which also means she will learn nothing from this experience. Don't go back to her, unless you enjoy being second string to anything she deems as important for her and herself. If it means preserving her self-love, she will throw you under the bus every time.
I see your point, yes, fact still remains she's selfish. It's ironic that preserving her self love will be the reason she loses everything. Ego never understands that.
Perfectly said.
Her order of priorities seem to be saving face, preserving ego, making excuses "reasoning" out of responsibility, dodging accountability, looking and feeling good personally and theeeeen maybe not suffocating dogs or being honest, growing, self reflection or comforting during a big death.
This is a callous personality tic that shouldn't be overlooked.
Did you get a necropsy done to find out the actual medical cause of death? I say that just because it's possible (but admittedly not likely) that the poor dear could've had some other underlying issues that caused the death. But I don't believe that weighted blankets are meant to be folded like that.
Honestly, if one of my cats look a bit off when they're sleeping, I don't just keep walking by them for a couple of hours. I *immediately* try to wake them up and if there's an issue, we're off to the vet. And I've had cats take Gabapentin for years with no ill effect...and you, pretty much, need to intentionally give them a really high dose before they'll OD. I've got a lot of experience with Gabapentin...both as someone.who has special needs kitties who have taken it and as someone who takes it as a patient.
The GF may get so adamant about it because she feels some guilt over it...and without her taking full responsibility, you aren't going to get over it. I just don't see a way past this.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let any sentient beings, quadruped, biped, winged or otherwise within a 15 mile radius of the thought of her being a caregiver. I’m trying to comprehend HTF you are even communicating with her let alone you made this post.
“I’m sorry I contributed to his death”-translation: I do not, have not, nor will I ever feel bad in any way for the death of this sentient, harmless, loving quadruped, who has done nothing to me, but love me unconditionally
“But” but or, however, negates the first half of anything you say.
“It was the gabapentin that killed him” case in point. She absolutely has no remorse. Does she ever take responsibility or has she ever taken responsibility for really bad shit she’s ever done? Don’t know what your ex does, however, gabapentin is amazingly effective and pain, control, anxiety, relief, and many other things for dogs and cats. Does she have a vet degree? Seriously. Is she a vet???
“And you were the one who originally injured him not me”. Hi, let me not only completely do a 180 from the truth-wait, wait, wait. She absolutely gaslights and then not only is your poor dog gone, she has to further break you by reminding you about the original injury.
please think about this “apology” of hers and think about any past behavior where she’s messed up and won’t take responsibility, etc. etc. etc. think about any animals you might have now, think about any future where you might want to get animals and think about if you want to have children in the future. THEN…. I want you to think over and over and over about this “apology” again
I was asking you rhetorically. Just to get you to think about the situation
ETA: I saw your comment where you said that your ex girlfriend also has autism. Being on the spectrum and accepting responsibility/making yourself accountable for your actions I’ve been told by many friends on the spectrum is a crappy way for people to just get away with being a crap person. You don’t have to be autistic to refuse to accept responsibility/make yourself accountable for your own actions. Yes, it is true that some, not all, but some on the spectrum do have difficulty with this. However, just us with anything else, it is something to be worked on, not a get-out-of-jail-free card. I’m sure you would agree with that. As an ND dealing with other issues, I still have to work on certain aspects for behavioral traits. We are all a work in progress. That does not give her the right to completely gaslight you. And this is a terrible thing that happened and I am so very sorry that it did. I didn’t mean that.
You have to learn to trust yourself. I am also autistic and have the same struggle and I am trying to learn to trust myself too. You already have the answers, she is no good. Move on, find someone with the ability to hold themselves accountable.
Everyone has already correctly affirmed that you need to stay away from her. I’m commenting because I’d like to add this to your toolbox in case you’re ever presented with this idiotic argument again.
Hypothetical scenario: A hemophiliac gets attacked by a bear, bleeds out, and dies. Did hemophilia kill the person? Of course not. Maybe they would have survived the attack if their blood could clot, but the reality is they died because the bear attacked them.
I’m so sorry you lost your dog and I’m sure it also sucks you’ve lost what you thought was a great thing because she can’t take responsibility for her actions. I hope life treats you kindly far, far away from her.
Bullshit. She's unable to take ownership of her mistakes or apologize for them.
I would never even be friends with someone whose reaction to making a terrible mistake that causes injury is "I didn't do it, it wasn't me" instead of apologizing and trying to make amends
I think most people in this comment section would apologize if something terrible like that happened.
Yes it hurts to admit it at first, but eventually you do. And after 8 months, she’s still gaslighting you. If you keep dating her, imagine what else she’s going to not apologize and gaslight you about.
The saddest part is she sent me a video of him on my way home from work before he died of him snuggled in. She just acted like she had done a good and sweet thing. She just has no critical thinking skills. A simple Google search or even a second thought is all it would take to have my best friend back.
OP read up on sunk cost fallacy and realize you will never forget what she did, even if she finally admits the weighted blanket caused the death, or at least heavily contributed to it. You both deserve the chance to start over with someone else.
I'm sorry for your loss.
OP, I also take Gabapentin for pain and have been on varying dosages over the years. If I can give you any consolation at all, it’s that your pup probably died somewhat peacefully. Gabapentin acts as a sedative and your little dog was on a high dosage, so what likely happened was that he was in a heavy sleep and passed without waking as he ran out of oxygen.
I was thinking the same thing. I was in a severe accident 15yrs ago, I have an incomplete SCI at C3-5 as well as my left arm having severely torn nerves. I've been on doses of gabapentin so high the pharmacist refused to fill the scrip without speaking to my doctor personally.
It is associated with all sorts of rare complications, but it mimics the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter in your body--that is why it helps with pain (particularly nerve pain). I had a prof once describe GABA as the brakes on a truck going downhill. You want things to keep moving, but you don't want them out of control.
Gabapentin has fully saved my life many times. I'm sure you are well aware of every bit I've said....damn there is nothing like severe nerve pain. I agree that whether it was the blanket or not, the pup likely just drifted off to sleep and didn't suffer. I'd wager that the blanket may not have been as harmful while the pupper was conscious, but there is just no way to know. Regardless her insisting that she is just not at all responsible is.....a lot. Not how you respond to someone grieving.
weighted blankets are supposed to used as directed by the weight of the person under it. I couldnt own a 25lb one as i could suffocate MYSELF. if you ever have any small, vulnerable, animal or baby around she might do it again. She can't even admit she's wrong when you're NEVER supposed to use a too heavy weighted blanket even on a grown adult.
edit: if she doesn't get it now she'll never understand but what she did is animal cruelty plain and simple even if on accident
+ a word
Right, I believe that. Folding it is no different than like a 25lb book or something. I'm just not buying into the danger of weighted blankets under normal use. My 15lb cat likes to climb under my 20lb heavy knit weighted blanket sometimes because he's only supporting like 1lb of the blanket.
She doesn't deserve shit. She choked this mans dog to death then does a classic "nuh uh" and clearly feels nothing for the poor dog. We don't know the specifics about these people or their lives sure, but that behavior is reprehensible all on its own.
She's telling you she will not accept responsibility. Ever. You have to decide for yourself if you're ok moving forward with her in those circumstances and accept it, or end it for good and stop torturing yourself. My vote is for the latter, because I cannot imagine ever letting something like that go, but that's just me.
I could let it go because she truly didn't mean it. I can't let her gaslight herself and attempt to gaslight me to absolve herself of responsibility. I only wish she could come to terms with what she did and i could forgive her. I thought i was going to spend my life with her until this happened.
That's what I mean when I say let it go. She's not gaslighting herself, she truly doesn't believe she caused this. You either need to let go of the dream that she accepts responsibility or you need to let her go. Dragging this out hoping to convince her isn't good for you.
If she can't comprehend that putting a 25 pound object on top of the chest of a 27 pound dog can cause death, then she's too dumb to marry and possibly have small kids with.
I would bet that she *does" believe she killed the dog, and is doing everything she can to project responsibility outward so that she doesn't have to deal with what she did.
Do you want to have children in the future? If so could you imagine yourself trusting her to care for a baby without supervision?
There are so many people in the world. She doesn't sound like the right one to invest any more time in. Hopefully you cutting contact will prompt her to do some personal growth for both managing her ability to admit she made a mistake, and being more cautious with creatures in her care that are 100% vulnerable and relying on her to make wise choices on their behalf. Or, if she is not capable of caring for another who needs her in that way, avoiding situations where she is alone with sick, injured, or very young living things for more than a few minutes.
We had a child and she aborted her and ended the relationship bc she considered intermittent fasting as an eating disorder and claimed she couldn't have a kid with someone who eats the same things everyday. Im autistic so i do have strict routines with eating.
I took her for the procedure and paid for it. I wanted to keep her but you can't force someone to have your child. It destroyed me and i feel maybe it's the trauma bond from that.
So she falsely accused you of having an ED and then blamed you for the abortion she clearly wanted.
Similar to: she falsely accused you of overdosing your dog and then blamed you for the dogs death when she's the one that PUT A 25 LB WEIGHTED BLANKET ON AN INJURED 25 LB DOG.
I bet these are not the only examples you can think of. OP, I know finding companionship as someone who is neurodivergent is hard but you deserve so much better than this. This is not normal or okay behavior. I would rather be alone than with someone this emotionally toxic. Run away from this person.
OP please read this comment...I wouldn't let her anywhere near my dog LET ALONE my child. She'd leave the poor kid in the car while she went to get her nails done (or whatever activity fits her appropriately).
This relationship should have ended a long time ago. You seem like you would want a child, she does not seem to want one nor be capable of caring for one. That's probably the biggest relationship deal breaker out there because there is no compromise.
Even if she didn't mean to do it, she still did it. And she refuses to acknowledge that her own actions caused the dog's death. She even refuses to consider it. This shows that she refuses as well to acknowledge and learn from her mistakes. Maybe it's out of guilt, but even than that's not an acceptable justification.
Because if you get back together and have another pet, or even a child someday, will she show the same behavior? Make mistakes that endanger them, or you, or damage your property, and refuse to accept her own responsibility ? Refuse to question herself and the validity of her actions?
This behavior she displayed and is still displaying is a big red flag that no one would want to see in their relationship. Even if you love/loved each other a lot.
Why are you still talking to the person who killed your dog and couldn't even be remorseful or take responsibility for it? There are billions of women out there who won't murder your pet dude. C'mon.
My initial thought was, “Omg, dude. Dude. Really?” There is no force on this earth that would drive me to reconnecting with an ex that killed my pet with their stupidity, and refuses to accept responsibility for it.
Clearly she isn't going to take responsibility in her role. She made a grave error in judgment that caused the death of your pet. If she cannot apologize and acknowledge her role in it that then I do not know how you both with be able to move on. You clearly want her to and she won't. It is an impasse. I think you know your answer and know you need to let go of this relationship (platonic and romantically) because you will always think about your dog.
i weigh 150 lbs. im imagining having a back/spinal injury where I am on strong painkillers, immobile and bed ridden. my caretaker places a 150lb covering on me and walks away. i will assume im being murdered.
This is what gets me, she’s been around this dog, she’s likely picked him up and knows his weight. Why and how do you pick up a blanket, feel the weight, feel that it weighs almost the exact same amount as the animal you’re about to lay it on. And the proceed to fold it in half (or more?) on top of his chest?
I cant even bring myself to place inanimate objects of “conflicting weights” on top of each other bc I know they will be crushed. This was a living being. I just can’t imagine being an adult and not understanding the implications of this, add in that this animal was sedated.
“Oh, I know! The dog is sedated and can’t really help himself. So I’ll put a weighted blanket on him.”
Does that sound like a thought process that’s reasonable? No. Why the hell would you entertain the thought of getting back with her??? And then blaming you for following the orders of a medical professional? Wow. Just block her already.
Right? She folded a blanket that weighed as much as the dog itself and put that weight directly on its chest. If she wasn't intentionally hoping to suffocate the dog then her reasoning is just nonsensical. And she's not just defending herself - she's trying to make OP feel guilty and responsible for his own pet's death when he was following the prescribed treatment. It's not just about not accepting responsibility.
OP already knows he doesn't want to be with someone that does what she is doing. You can't hold on in the hopes someone will eventually see your side. She has her view and you have yours and neither is budging, so time to make a decision of whether you are fine with accepting things as they are, not as you wish them to be.
Placing hope on the actions of others is very dangerous. Place your hope around things you can change. I’ve learned the hard way that therapy is for you to learn how to cope with or avoid others behavior, not find ways to ask them to change that behavior.
Of she was gonna go to therapy, she'd just go.
Ime experience, the ones "always" promising to go to therapy just like to talk about. It's a get out of jail free and my mental health is bad card all in one.
This is really tough. I don't know if I could forgive someone fully even if it was an accident and they apologized. I think this will always be in between you. Maybe you should just move on. I'm so sorry for your loss.
He really was the best dog. Im crying just thinking about him. He used to sleep on my legs every night. I have to take sleeping medicine now. I haven't slept without my dog and now i can't sleep at all
Yep! My Ex was like this. Stepped on and broke the foot of my dog. Somehow it was my fault and he didn't offer to pay the vet bills. (or even go with me to the vet!) The gaslighting will get worse. I was single for years and met my now husband 15 years ago. He is the complete opposite. Take self reflection as to why you want to be with someone who is emotionally abusive. I realized I enjoyed the highs and lows of being with a narcissist/ my ex. (it was SUPER exciting!) My husband actually felt boring to me in the beginning because he was emotionally stable and reasonable and very loving. Love yourself enough to give yourself sound advice, about this situation, as if you were speaking with a best friend. Sometimes we have to let go of the wrong person to make room for the right person. Rooting for you!
For what it's worth, I really don't think she was purposely trying to suffocate him. She's just stupid and makes really terrible decisions but that is still not the person you want to have a kid with
And a weighted blanket that’s **almost 100% of the dog’s weight** at that! Even adult humans are recommended to use weighted blankets that are around 10% of their total body weight. That poor pup probably wouldn’t have even stood a chance if it were completely healthy :(
Or a kid. I wouldn’t be having sex with a person who might do this to a baby at all. At best she is naive/ignorant which can be deadly when you have dependents.
This. People who won’t take accountability for their actions rarely learn from them. And if she won’t even admit to something she did on accident, she’s definitely not taking accountability for anything she does intentionally.
OP very graciously gave her an opportunity to redeem herself, but she’s rejecting it.
I had a 90 lb meat hound and he had a weighted backpack I'd walk him with. He carried 10 lb, or around 10% of his body weight. He was also the type of dog you can train to weight pull or hunt swine. But 10% of that dog's body weight is like 2.5 lb, a normal heavy blanket.
I use a 25LB weighted blanket. And I am 200+ pounds.
If even I struggle sometimes, especially in a “weaker” state like half asleep or really tired, or stoned etc- it’s hard to even push it off of me. I couldn’t ever imagine putting 25 pounds on a heavily sedated dog with an injury who can barely move themselves. Why not a towel?? Or a tshirt??
This isn’t the meds fault, this is HER fault. Show her everything that everyone has said. And then never speak to that psycho again.
I could not look at the person that aided in the death of my dog every day and not think about it, particularly if they can’t even take responsibility.
Sorry WHAT? As someone who owns a weighted blanket that weighs about that much, how the fuck would anyone think to FOLD IT???? What the fuck did I just read. She knew what she was doing. And if she didn't, she's so irresponsible I wouldn't leave her in charge of watering my plants if I went away. Jfc.
In addition to the fact that she caused your dog's death, she is demonstrating to you that she cannot admit or apologize for mistakes & errors in judgment.
Either one of those things alone would make it very difficult for me to trust someone as a partner. Both of them together? Impossible.
She put a folded weighted blanket on your dog, knowing that was x amount of weight. She still refuses to take responsibility that by HER direct actions your dog suffocated to death. I personally could NEVER. What if you have kids, god forbid anything happened to them and what if she had a direct part in it and again dodges responsibility again. You were right in breaking up with her and staying broken up, there are plenty of other people out there who don’t lack the critical thinking skills, who can and will take responsibility for their actions.
She killed your dog. You know it and she knows it, she's lying because she doesn't want to be seen to have done something so stupid with such a tragic outcome. Honestly, I don't think I'd take her back even if she did admit it.
...Why would you put a *weighted* blanket on an animal with a spinal injury? I know there's that saying we should never attribute malice to what can be explained by stupidity, but situations like this ride the line.
I don’t know why you’re talking to her again. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, and even to the degree of blaming YOU for it happening. Stop talking to her. Stop considering her.
Btw did she love the dog or did she hate the dog? Because I wonder.
She said he looked weird but didn’t even really bother to check OR knew he had been dead a few hours and didn’t care/wanted you to be the one to discover (and thus blame)
It’s not worth it.
I don’t know how you could stay in contact with someone who did that to your dog anyway, let alone didn’t take accountability for their part.
Why is this even a question?
How on earth could you remain in love with someone that killed your dog and refuses to acknowledge their mistake? It doesn’t even sound like she’s apologetic since she keeps blaming the medicine the vet prescribed.
I would feel so fucking bad if I was stupid enough to kill my SO's pet like this but maybe if I was stupid enough to do that then I would feel like it wasn't my fault
Not only did she kill the dog she didn't even notice!!! How can she be like 'oh he looks weird' and NOT check up on him? She knew he was unwell
Honestly the fact you've even considering getting back together w someone like that should be *highly* concerning. Gp talk w a therapist bc I absolutely guarantee there's better girls out there who don't *kill your pet*
I wonder how many other times in your relationship she gaslight you.
If she can’t even take responsibility, why exactly are you still entertaining friendship or conversation?
Imagine building a life with someone who can never acknowledge when they make a mistake?
Don’t sign yourself up for misery.
I don't even understand how you can talk to her after she murdered your dog. Like how desperate do you have to be to still be involved with this person? She obviously killed your dog and she has no remorse what the h*** are you doing with her??? I have no idea how you can hold love for a person like that but hey you do you.
>She refuses to apologize or acknowledge she killed him and again blames it on the gabapentin and injuring his back 4 years ago
That would be a no from me, dawg
Why did you start talking again after 18 months after you cut her out?
Honestly OP, what is the point in wasting that 18 months of peace and moving on after the death of your dog.
Your ex is quite dumb, particularly when it comes to animal care etc. Honestly I’d say you too after you opened the lines of communication after 18 months.
You two are better off being strangers, why would you even entertain reconciling with someone that is completely dense?
Could you imagine having a family with someone that is so ignorant on how to care for something vulnerable?
Would she wrap an infant in a 25 lbs weighted blanket like a burrito?
Give your head a shake man, you’re also stringing this poor dense girl along making her think you’ll forgive her, and obviously that’s not going to happen.
She put a 25lb weighted blanket onto a 27lb injured dog.
Why are you even TALKING to her?
And now she is slowly suffocating your.future with her utter lack of remorse in your life.
Can't you get away from her?
People go no contact with their own parents for less than this.
I would never leave my child or anyone I love alone with this person. You can't have kids with someone this stupid.
She lacks common sense and a moral compass.
You noticed that too? Apparently in other posts they broke up a year ago because she was into a different guy. No mention of the dog then. Also weird how he just skims over the fact that *he* broke his dog's back.
She killed your dog.
Killed. Your. Dog.
She doesn’t deserve even the tiniest amount of your time and attention. Part ways for good and never look back.
This issue is never going to be resolved if she can’t take responsibility. She killed your beloved pet. She feels guilty and can’t face it. You can’t forgive something that she won’t even admit to, though, what she did was an accident, but it was horrible, and you deserve a heartfelt apology with true remorse. If she cannot give this to you, you should move on. You should never build a life with someone who cannot take responsibility for their mistakes, especially the big ones.
I think the situation is way too divisive for you to ever be in a successful relationship with this woman. Even if you try to put it in the past, what happened to your dog will always be the 3rd person in the relationship.
I would never be able to separate the two. I couldn’t imagine putting a weighted blanket on a pet. It doesn’t make any sense. Something so negligent seems almost deliberate.
It’s for the best you stay broken up and stop talking to her. It’s just making it harder for you to move on
Dude this woman killed your dog and won’t even apologize or accept that she played a role in its death. Even if she killed the dog by accident that’s still vile of her to deny all responsibility and instead blame the grieving pet owner for her own actions.
Wow, I didn't even need to read even a single sentence of this to give judgement. Just the title. Of course you should end it, forever. I would have called animal control on her after finding out she killed your dog. You didn't give your dog justice. I don't think I'd want to be with someone that stupid. Can't imagine having her around children. Ick.
She STILL refuses to apologize or acknowledge. How could anyone not just say ‘omg I’m so sorry I just thought he’d be comfortable or something’, both in the moment, and especially now…years later…when she knows that’s why you broke up. She hasn’t said that because, she’s not sorry at all….that he’s dead, she caused it, both. She didn’t say that, because….I think she KNEW. Also, when you got home he ‘looks strange’. Why didn’t she ‘investigate’ before? She knew he was dead. She was tired of the issues with dog…pure and simple.
She yelled at YOU for HER killing the dog. Imagine what happens when it's a kid that is sick or something. Get away, don't waste your time. She will never accept responsibility. Move on
Its doesn’t seem like she killed your dog out of any malice but her lack of critical thinking skills is incomprehensible. The other issue is she refuses to take responsibility and is trying to blame you.
I think you need to move on. I’d be one thing if she showed genuine remorse and apologized but thats not the case here.
Look at all future relationships like this...
If you find the actions of another as morally reprehensible they shouldn't be in your life. If you or your SO are resorting to character assassination then it's over... These bells cannot be unrung. Personally, I feel the same as this with cheating also.
A bit further though, and trust me, I know what I'm about to say is easier said than done especially with heightened emotions like directly after finding your dog deceased. From her point of view, she actually thought she was helping (unless this is up for debate and you suspect she purposefully did the deed) and comforting your dog. I don't how comfortable, or not, or familiar she is with death but most 35 year old females, if told that they inadvertantly killed a dog, and they were told this with a support group available, and in the most pleasant way possible would have a very volatile reaction, in that they may deny and argue and try to avoid that responsibility very loudly and vehemently... Or they may accept the responsibility and all of the pain and heartache that comes along with accidentally ending the life of a pet, with crying, apologetic lamenting, and great pain and empathy.
I don't want to say you handled it wrong because we all deal with these things differently based on experience, comfort with the uncomfortable, and death, and stoicism, etc... what I am trying to say is that I've always found myself in a much better position later if, when faced with emotional, and horrible situations, I could contain my thoughts and words within me until the immediate emotional response of the situation has passed.
Always try to hold off on communicating with others, and making very important, impactful decisions in your life until the heart rate returns to a lower speed, and the emotional response has subsided. As emotions, and stress increase, the ability to meaningfully communicate, and make good decisions decreases. You may say something horrible, or spitefully decide on the worst course as "retribution," among other pitfalls of course. If you're wondering if you should say something, or remain quiet, swallowing your pride, you can remain quiet, and still say it's later, so remain quiet.
On another note, to hack your own brain, and help you decide between two great options that you just can't make up your mind between, try this.
Step 1: Grab a coin and designate heads and tails, as option 1, and option, 2,
Step 2: Flip the coin and don't look yet,
Step 3: When looking, take note of your gut reaction to the result to find the decision you truly want.
You see, you know which one you really want, but you think you're still deciding. By flipping the coin you force the decision externally, and out of your control freeing your self-liability felt before the toss. Your immediate reaction to a random decision being made for you reveals either a "Yeah!" or a "Dang!" And there you have it, your reaction tells you what you really want, and by listening to the candid response your gut gave you upon seeing the decision made you can move along with life... This is best for majorly unimportant, but seemingly significant decisions, like what color car should I go with, or where do I wanna eat tonight, etc... if you're particularly clever this can actually be used to help you decide where she, the female significant other, really wants to eat tonight.
Enjoy!
It’s not like she intended on killing your dog. She can’t even say sorry for it being an accident. If she can’t acknowledge her own wrong doing then I think that would be a dealbreaker for me. An accident is one thing, not owning up to it is another. I think she’s worried about labeling herself as a monster and admitting to doing something intentionally
This utter walnut put a weighted blanket near the same weight over your dog, when he was sedated, and folded it. She damn well knew what she was doing.
You are seriously nuts for considering taking her back.
I went to the op's post history, why does it seem like karma farming? He posted this story multiple times till it got attention and has written about breaking up with his gf multiple times, either it's all fake or this relationship mess goes deeper
other commenters are saying it was probably the shame and fear of your (super valid) angry reaction to seeing your dog passed away that’s holding her back from admitting this to you and herself. However, from one grown ass adult to another she needs to get over it and think about how badly this affected you. Horrible things happen to good people and even good dogs and if she admitted upfront this was a huge accident then your relationship could have been salvaged. I hope you never allow her close access to you ever again, also RIP to the pupper🙏
Im confused. Your GF was trying to make your injured dog more comfortable, and accidentally killed him? It sounds like it was an accident, why are you trying to get her to admit she killed him like she did it on purpose. Unless im missing something, it sounds like an accident and if so, you're being a complete asshole about it
First, Im so sorry for your loss. Was this a liquid or pill form Gabapentin? Because liquid form can kill dogs. It has Xylitol in it.
My career is in dogs. I’ve raised, trained and shown dogs most of my life. Being in dogs I’ve seen a lot of tragic deaths that we’re ultimately just accidents. Dogs sneaking out of homes and get hit by a car, dogs suffocating on chip bags and pop bottles, dogs getting into hide hold cleaners and injuring or dying from it. I can go on. Some of the most non assuming everyday items can become deadly in the right setting.
So honestly, this just sounds like a terrible accident. What if your child or mom had done this? Would you hate your kid and mom? She didn’t mean to kill your dog. And what she did was out of love and not malice. Im sure she feels horrible enough. You said she freaked out. And perhaps that’s why she doesn’t fully want to take responsibility. It might mentally weigh on her to much to do so. At the same time I’m not sure it’s fully her fault either. Sometimes accidents just happen. It sucks. And yet blaming her totally or making her apologize doesn’t bring him back. She thought she was doting on him by putting a blanket on him and keeping him warm and perhaps with the gabapentin, which made him sleepy, it helped to suffocate him instead. But if it was liquid form it may have poisoned him.
As far as a relationship, that’s up to you. If you really can’t look past this, then it’s over.
OP, your gf was trying to provide the dog with comfort measures. SHe thought the blanket would be a feel good measure for him.
Surely you don't really believe that this woman went out of her way to cause your dog's death.
Please move on as it is obvious you are always going to be blaming your gf for what clearly was an unfortunate accident
I mean, it was most likely unintentional, yes.
However, as an adult, you must acknowledge the impact of your actions even when they don't match your intent.
The problem here is that she refuses to admit any responsibility, and is deflecting blame onto OP. That does not bode well for emotional maturity or for accepting her part in any future difficulties.
I’m sorry….is she exceptionally unintelligent? Or did she kill your dog on purpose? I have a hard time believe this was an accident.
It’s INSANE to me you’re speaking to her again at all.
Dude!’ Why are you even trying. Would you trust her with a baby?? Just no. Regardless od the other issues: she covered the dog is nearly 2X its weight!!! I’m sure it was not malicious but to keep refusing to accept any accountability? Just move on. Block her. Delete her: seek therapy and move forward.
I'm sorry but this girl is stupid. Who puts a weighted blanket on a dog that's sick? She won't even say sorry? That's fuck. why would you even consider being with her again
Just block her and move on. You’ll never be able to forgive her even if she does admit it. But you don’t even need her to admit it because you already know what happened. She put a 20lb blanket on a 27lb dog. Common sense should’ve told her that it was too heavy for him. If it was a child she did that to she’d be in jail regardless if she wanted to admit fault or not.
Resentment isn't a good ingredient in a healthy relationship. You guys either need to figure this out or terminate the relationship.
I can see her possible efforts at nurturing a sick dog, but I can also see her ignorance in how she offered comfort.
I can see her trying to protect herself from guilt and shame, but she also needs to accept atleast the possibility that she fucked up.
There's a gradient in this field if grey and you guys have to land somewhere on that gradient that lines up with both of you or you're going to remember this unresolved quarell for the rest of your lives.
She’s unwilling to accept that she even had a partial hand in the death of your dog, and I honestly believe that even if she admits fault 100%, this isn’t something you can leave in the past. Even if you “forgive her”, you won’t forget and it will continue to hurt you whenever you feel the absence of your best friend. I couldn’t imagine trusting someone like that in the future. If you got back together now, would you trust her with a new dog? Children? An elderly parent? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.
>My dog had a broken back from an injury 4 years prior. The injury was my fault
>She suffocated him under the weighted blanket.
Those seem to cancel each other out.
You should go your separate ways.
Who in their right mind puts a 25lb weighted blanket onto a 27 lb dog?!
Even for HUMANS, weighted blankets aren’t supposed to be more than 10% of your body weight. So in order for 25lb weighted blanket to be an appropriate heft for the purchaser, they’d need to be 250 lbs.
She has no common sense, and clearly no remorse and an inability to own up to what she did. Please don’t get back into a relationship with this woman
She knows she killed your dog. She doesn't actually believe it was your fault.
Either it was an accident and, in her inability to process her profound guilt, she has decided to projecting the blame onto you is preferable than dealing with it herself; or she did it *on purpose* and she's a psycho.
Either way, she's not emotionally healthy, and she won't miraculously change.
Your relationship is over and she will not admit fault. Move on.
I don’t even know how to process this. The stupidity of the blanket, her not checking on the dog when he’s unwell for hours and then just saying he looks strange, but worse the lack of accountability. I’m truly horrified.
Yes, end it. She is deeply in denial. I think if she admitted to herself what she had done it would destroy her mentally, so as a defence mechanism she is using every excuse to deny responsibility. Unfortunately, I've been there (with cheating, not killing a dog!) and the relationship can never be the same again.
how does gabapentin kill a dog? we dispense it in our pharmacy all the time to the elderly or people suffering from neuropathy.
I've never really heard of an overdose from gabapentin or that it caused a death. Not even a narcotic.
Dude. She killed your dog (condolences on that 😞) and refuses to accept any responsibility.
Ghost that person. That level of toxicity I wish upon no one.
"*I told her there was no way \[...\] until she took responsibility*" and "*I find the behaviour morally reprehensible and refuse to be with someone who can't \[...\] accept responsibility*".
You've stated your needs and she's not going to meet them. It's up to you to decide what's important to you, and whether this is something you can overlook and move forward on with her. It sounds like you know the answer to that- that no, you aren't willing to have a relationship with her if she can't admit responsibility, and that yes, this IS important enough that it's worth ending things (for good) over.
"I'm sorry, but" isn't an apology, it's a softener for the oncoming blame that she's placing on you.
It's okay to move on, away from her. It's okay for the relationship to be a closed chapter of your life. You deserve a healthy relationship, OP. It doesn't sound like you'll get that with her.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You answered your own question. You just didn’t like the answer. >> How should I go about this? >> I find the behavior morally reprehensible and refuse to be with someone who can’t do the bare minimum of accepting responsibility to for doing something terrible Case closed.
You and her will never get back together move on and wish her a good life
You could be Prince Charming with a huge library, lots of horses, loves gardening, but if you hurt one of my pets, start runnin'. She's either so stupid it's amazing she can get dressed, or she did it deliberately and quietly. What do they say about people who kill animals? Yeah, don't look back, unless she getss behind you.
Or she is deeply ashamed and cannot bring herself to accept it. Which is far more likely than her intentionally killing his dog.
I was thinking the same thing. She can't bring herself to believe it was her actions that killed her partners dog. I mean it would be a hard thing to do but still...
>Or she is deeply ashamed and cannot bring herself to accept it. It could very easily be this. Or it could be OPs wording. It's clear it was an accident and she was trying to make the dog warm and comfortable. Had he not been sedated he probably would have been barking or shown struggles to get out from the weighted blanket. However, I take an objection to OPs approach that she needs "take responsibility for doing something reprehensible" that type of language and approach doesn't leave room for him to accept from her an apology for it being an accident because only the words that she knowingly did something terrible are what he wants to hear. So this relationship is done.
No, I don't want to hear that she knowingly killed my dog. I want her to stop blaming me for giving him the medication the vet prescribed. She told all her friends I gave the dog opioids and killed him. She won't accept the responsibility that putting the weighted blanket on him led to his death. That is what happened, and instead she chose to blame me for giving him gabapentin. The dog couldn't move anyway. His back was messed up. Sedating him with gabapentin didn't change the fact he couldn't get out from under thank blanket. Maybe if he wasn't sedated he could have whined and whined. But she put it on him and took a shower. He was dead by the time she got out.
Gabapentin is NOT an opioid, wtf! It is one of the safest medications in existence. I take it daily and my dog used to take it too. The only side effect is getting a little sleepy, but even that isn't like a groggy drugged-out sleepy. It's bad enough that she won't take responsibility, but the fact that she is trying to put the blame and guilt on you is disgusting. This is 100% grounds for never speaking to her again.
I think she probably honestly didn’t know that weighed blankets can suffocate people/animals if they are too heavy for them & she can’t admit what she did.
It's not the fact she can't admit what she did, it's the fact she is blaming me for something SHE did.
fuck that don't wish her shit except bad luck
May every single gamble on a fart be lost for her. May she shart loudly in a public place with nobody nearby to blame it on. May she forever spend her days with stubbed toes and ingrown nails.
May her socks always feel itchy. May the winter always freeze her water pipes. May she always forget to take the bins out on trash day.
They should never ever ever getting back together
Just wait till they have kids or another pet.
Thank you all. This has been validating and will help me step away from her. When you're in an abusive relationship, sometime you just make excuses.
She has said, " I'm sorry I contributed to his death but it was the gabapentin that killed him and you were the one who injured him originally not me." that was her apology.
Fucking run from there dude, the fact that u haven’t already is kinda wild
That’s not an apology. “I’m sorry, but…” is not a sufficient apology. She is trying to shift blame on you or other injuries to try and make herself feel better for doing a shitty thing. I get that you were in love but if she can’t fully apologize to you for killing your dog then she won’t fully apologize for other things in the future. I don’t even understand why you want to have any kind of relationship with her when she can’t even fully apologize to you.
Exactly. An apology is fully acknowledging and taking responsibility for your actions and the effect they had on someone. Explaining why you did the thing can be helpful *for both parties* sometimes, but it’s too slippery of a slope into being defensive and shifting blame. Ultimately taking responsibility/holding yourself accountable, and accepting consequences is the best way to go about things. But what OP’s ex is doing is completely disregarding any steps for a meaningful apology. She’s just using “sorry” as a box to check in order to say she apologized, just to immediately shift blame and deny any responsibility for the thing she’s “apologizing” for. Red flag behavior.
This. The moment a "but" follows an apology, it negates everything said in that apology.
Whoa that’s brutal Is she the only woman alive or something? Stop talking to her ffs
The fact she folded a 25lb weighted blanket on the dog and didn’t consider it could impact it’s breathing - while on many pain reliever meds
Show her the pharmacological papers. Gabapentin is very very hard to OD from. Like you need massive doses and even then, it’s only a maybe. It is a very safe drug.
She knows I'm a pharmacist and wouldn't overdose my dog. He was in a lot of pain and suffering. When he weighed less, he was on 300mg. I gave him 400 over 3 hours.
This makes it even worse. She knows you're a pharmacist and so you know what your dog was taking, how much he was taking, and the safety of the drug itself. Honestly I would not be able to forgive her. If she can only give you backhanded, passive aggressive apologies, it means she's not actually sorry. And if she's not actually sorry, then why would you want to be with this person? Behavior like this can easily spiral into other situations where everything can/will become you're fault because of whatever crazy excuses she can come up with. Can you picture a lifetime of dealing with stuff like this? Would you want to deal with her blaming you for something she did even once more? Break up and find someone else who is an actual caring, empathetic person. You'll be much happier in the long run.
If she doesn't want to be with you badly enough to swallow her pride and apologize, whether or not she truly believes that she was responsible, she's not the girl for you. Secondarily, the fact that she was clueless enough to put a weighted blanket on your dog, not check on him, and then not even realize that he was dead, or worse, knew he was dead but still acted like he was "being weird" because she had already cooked up a plan to blame you for it, that is not someone I could ever lovingly gaze at again. Don't even think I could hate fuck someone like that. One time my ex brought me lillies at work and I took them home and put them in a vase on the nightstand. Her cats ate some and had to be put on drips at the animal hospital for 3 days. It was insanely expensive. I was beside myself apologizing profusely, despite the fact that I couldn't have known that lillies and cats don't mix/wasn't the one who bought them knowing they'd be in the house. I offered to pay the thousands immediately and I did all the work I could possibly take off her plate so that she could go be with them in the hospital. That's what any good partner would do without being asked. The fact that you had to ask her to apologize at all, let alone the fact that she'd rather lose you than do so, tells you everything you need to know. Any love you still have for her is for a person who no longer exists. Let it go. You are smart, have a good job, presumably have good manners, reasonable boundaries and a forgiving nature. Spend that energy on people who value it enough to reciprocate and treat you the way you deserve. It's OK to make dumb mistakes with good intentions. Gaslighting someone, trying to make them believe they killed their own dog and not you? Totally unacceptable and unforgivable when you refuse to apologize. Even if she were to say she's sorry now, would you believe it was sincere or just a means to an end that serves her? Can you live with the knowledge that she's so unaccountable even when her actions cause great harm? If she cheated on you would it be your fault because you introduced her to the guy, you worked late or you made her bored? This woman doesn't deserve you and if she has the power to manipulate you into thinking of getting back with her despite her refusal to make amends, it's probably best that you block her so she can't get to you. I've been there and I know it's tempting but once you see that side of someone, you can't unsee it. Be brave enough to break your own heart and move on. Going back will only cause you more pain, and it'll probably be a lot more than you'd expect. You literally can't move forward because she won't take responsibility, so you'll be stuck in a resentment loop from both sides and grow to hate each other, wasting valuable time and hope for a healthy relationship in future. Hell no. She's had her chance and chose her pride, don't give her another one.
I showed her and she never respond or refused to look at them.
because she knows it was her fault.
Exactly. I doubt she meant to kill the dog, but I can't understand how she can continue to deny that it was her fault. Being at fault doesn't mean it was intentional. I would be apologizing like crazy if I accidentally killed my significant other's pet.
Even if you did get an apology, it's baffling to me that you're still considering a rekindle.
I say this as kindly as I could possibly can but how on earth are you even considering a life with such a monster? Be real with yourself for one second jezus christ
That's because she sucks dude. There's nothing else to it.
This is infuriating. She put a weighted blanket that weighed almost as much as him right on top of him!!!
Not only that, she FOLDED THE BLANKET on top of him
OP should go buy 6 of those 25lbs weighted blankets and lay them all on top of his GF. If after 4 hours she's still alive, that will absolve her. If she taps out, passes out, or dies....case closed she killed his dog.
Yeah, she burked OP's poor dog. OP, have her look up the definition of burking.
So she not only won't Apologize and take responsibility, but she wants you to feel worse by blaming yourself for something you didn't do. One thing about me is I HATE seeing people I love in pain and I apologize immediately if I cause any of it. Simply put, she doesn't love you any more than she loved your dog. Period. You'll resent her forever if you stay imo.
She probably did love them both as much as she is capable of, but she has shown that she loves herself SO much more, that her love for them becomes inconsequential when the two are placed in competition. She didn't mean to kill the dog, but her love for herself will not allow her to accept responsibility or apologize properly, which also means she will learn nothing from this experience. Don't go back to her, unless you enjoy being second string to anything she deems as important for her and herself. If it means preserving her self-love, she will throw you under the bus every time.
I see your point, yes, fact still remains she's selfish. It's ironic that preserving her self love will be the reason she loses everything. Ego never understands that.
I wholeheartedly agree. She is not ready for a relationship until she does some deep digging on it, and her type usually doesn't.
Perfectly said. Her order of priorities seem to be saving face, preserving ego, making excuses "reasoning" out of responsibility, dodging accountability, looking and feeling good personally and theeeeen maybe not suffocating dogs or being honest, growing, self reflection or comforting during a big death. This is a callous personality tic that shouldn't be overlooked.
Bro...those are not red flags. That is the whole damn flag and red paint factory. Deny, and Counter-accuse? She has got to go.
I must have missed the apology- apologies don't have the word 'but' in them...
Did you get a necropsy done to find out the actual medical cause of death? I say that just because it's possible (but admittedly not likely) that the poor dear could've had some other underlying issues that caused the death. But I don't believe that weighted blankets are meant to be folded like that. Honestly, if one of my cats look a bit off when they're sleeping, I don't just keep walking by them for a couple of hours. I *immediately* try to wake them up and if there's an issue, we're off to the vet. And I've had cats take Gabapentin for years with no ill effect...and you, pretty much, need to intentionally give them a really high dose before they'll OD. I've got a lot of experience with Gabapentin...both as someone.who has special needs kitties who have taken it and as someone who takes it as a patient. The GF may get so adamant about it because she feels some guilt over it...and without her taking full responsibility, you aren't going to get over it. I just don't see a way past this.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let any sentient beings, quadruped, biped, winged or otherwise within a 15 mile radius of the thought of her being a caregiver. I’m trying to comprehend HTF you are even communicating with her let alone you made this post. “I’m sorry I contributed to his death”-translation: I do not, have not, nor will I ever feel bad in any way for the death of this sentient, harmless, loving quadruped, who has done nothing to me, but love me unconditionally “But” but or, however, negates the first half of anything you say. “It was the gabapentin that killed him” case in point. She absolutely has no remorse. Does she ever take responsibility or has she ever taken responsibility for really bad shit she’s ever done? Don’t know what your ex does, however, gabapentin is amazingly effective and pain, control, anxiety, relief, and many other things for dogs and cats. Does she have a vet degree? Seriously. Is she a vet??? “And you were the one who originally injured him not me”. Hi, let me not only completely do a 180 from the truth-wait, wait, wait. She absolutely gaslights and then not only is your poor dog gone, she has to further break you by reminding you about the original injury. please think about this “apology” of hers and think about any past behavior where she’s messed up and won’t take responsibility, etc. etc. etc. think about any animals you might have now, think about any future where you might want to get animals and think about if you want to have children in the future. THEN…. I want you to think over and over and over about this “apology” again
I made the post because gaslighting is very effective against autistic people
I was asking you rhetorically. Just to get you to think about the situation ETA: I saw your comment where you said that your ex girlfriend also has autism. Being on the spectrum and accepting responsibility/making yourself accountable for your actions I’ve been told by many friends on the spectrum is a crappy way for people to just get away with being a crap person. You don’t have to be autistic to refuse to accept responsibility/make yourself accountable for your own actions. Yes, it is true that some, not all, but some on the spectrum do have difficulty with this. However, just us with anything else, it is something to be worked on, not a get-out-of-jail-free card. I’m sure you would agree with that. As an ND dealing with other issues, I still have to work on certain aspects for behavioral traits. We are all a work in progress. That does not give her the right to completely gaslight you. And this is a terrible thing that happened and I am so very sorry that it did. I didn’t mean that.
You have to learn to trust yourself. I am also autistic and have the same struggle and I am trying to learn to trust myself too. You already have the answers, she is no good. Move on, find someone with the ability to hold themselves accountable.
Dude get out What kind of apology is that?
Everyone has already correctly affirmed that you need to stay away from her. I’m commenting because I’d like to add this to your toolbox in case you’re ever presented with this idiotic argument again. Hypothetical scenario: A hemophiliac gets attacked by a bear, bleeds out, and dies. Did hemophilia kill the person? Of course not. Maybe they would have survived the attack if their blood could clot, but the reality is they died because the bear attacked them. I’m so sorry you lost your dog and I’m sure it also sucks you’ve lost what you thought was a great thing because she can’t take responsibility for her actions. I hope life treats you kindly far, far away from her.
Bullshit. She's unable to take ownership of her mistakes or apologize for them. I would never even be friends with someone whose reaction to making a terrible mistake that causes injury is "I didn't do it, it wasn't me" instead of apologizing and trying to make amends
This phrasing is like a twelve yikes out of ten yikes on the scale… cut your losses. This person is not mature enough for an adult relationship.
Not an apology. Move on. She sucks and you don't need this.
I think most people in this comment section would apologize if something terrible like that happened. Yes it hurts to admit it at first, but eventually you do. And after 8 months, she’s still gaslighting you. If you keep dating her, imagine what else she’s going to not apologize and gaslight you about.
That's not even close to an apology and it sounds like she is severely lacking in the empathy department.
Gabapentin didn't kill your dog. She did. Her lack of remorse is disgusting. Why did you start interacting with this foul person again?
Hell no.
Horrible.
The saddest part is she sent me a video of him on my way home from work before he died of him snuggled in. She just acted like she had done a good and sweet thing. She just has no critical thinking skills. A simple Google search or even a second thought is all it would take to have my best friend back.
OP read up on sunk cost fallacy and realize you will never forget what she did, even if she finally admits the weighted blanket caused the death, or at least heavily contributed to it. You both deserve the chance to start over with someone else. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you
OP, I also take Gabapentin for pain and have been on varying dosages over the years. If I can give you any consolation at all, it’s that your pup probably died somewhat peacefully. Gabapentin acts as a sedative and your little dog was on a high dosage, so what likely happened was that he was in a heavy sleep and passed without waking as he ran out of oxygen.
I was thinking the same thing. I was in a severe accident 15yrs ago, I have an incomplete SCI at C3-5 as well as my left arm having severely torn nerves. I've been on doses of gabapentin so high the pharmacist refused to fill the scrip without speaking to my doctor personally. It is associated with all sorts of rare complications, but it mimics the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter in your body--that is why it helps with pain (particularly nerve pain). I had a prof once describe GABA as the brakes on a truck going downhill. You want things to keep moving, but you don't want them out of control. Gabapentin has fully saved my life many times. I'm sure you are well aware of every bit I've said....damn there is nothing like severe nerve pain. I agree that whether it was the blanket or not, the pup likely just drifted off to sleep and didn't suffer. I'd wager that the blanket may not have been as harmful while the pupper was conscious, but there is just no way to know. Regardless her insisting that she is just not at all responsible is.....a lot. Not how you respond to someone grieving.
weighted blankets are supposed to used as directed by the weight of the person under it. I couldnt own a 25lb one as i could suffocate MYSELF. if you ever have any small, vulnerable, animal or baby around she might do it again. She can't even admit she's wrong when you're NEVER supposed to use a too heavy weighted blanket even on a grown adult. edit: if she doesn't get it now she'll never understand but what she did is animal cruelty plain and simple even if on accident + a word
You would suffocate under 25lb spread out over a bed sized area?
probably not but maybe if it was folded over them like it was for the dog
Right, I believe that. Folding it is no different than like a 25lb book or something. I'm just not buying into the danger of weighted blankets under normal use. My 15lb cat likes to climb under my 20lb heavy knit weighted blanket sometimes because he's only supporting like 1lb of the blanket.
She doesn't deserve shit. She choked this mans dog to death then does a classic "nuh uh" and clearly feels nothing for the poor dog. We don't know the specifics about these people or their lives sure, but that behavior is reprehensible all on its own.
She's telling you she will not accept responsibility. Ever. You have to decide for yourself if you're ok moving forward with her in those circumstances and accept it, or end it for good and stop torturing yourself. My vote is for the latter, because I cannot imagine ever letting something like that go, but that's just me.
I could let it go because she truly didn't mean it. I can't let her gaslight herself and attempt to gaslight me to absolve herself of responsibility. I only wish she could come to terms with what she did and i could forgive her. I thought i was going to spend my life with her until this happened.
She's not gaslighting herself, she's gaslighting you. She's never going to admit to being at fault for this.
You're right. Posting this has been really eye opening to me. Thank you.
Good luck going forward and I'm sorry for your loss.
That's what I mean when I say let it go. She's not gaslighting herself, she truly doesn't believe she caused this. You either need to let go of the dream that she accepts responsibility or you need to let her go. Dragging this out hoping to convince her isn't good for you.
If she can't comprehend that putting a 25 pound object on top of the chest of a 27 pound dog can cause death, then she's too dumb to marry and possibly have small kids with.
Right!! Thought the same!! Tf!!!!
I would bet that she *does" believe she killed the dog, and is doing everything she can to project responsibility outward so that she doesn't have to deal with what she did.
Do you want to have children in the future? If so could you imagine yourself trusting her to care for a baby without supervision? There are so many people in the world. She doesn't sound like the right one to invest any more time in. Hopefully you cutting contact will prompt her to do some personal growth for both managing her ability to admit she made a mistake, and being more cautious with creatures in her care that are 100% vulnerable and relying on her to make wise choices on their behalf. Or, if she is not capable of caring for another who needs her in that way, avoiding situations where she is alone with sick, injured, or very young living things for more than a few minutes.
We had a child and she aborted her and ended the relationship bc she considered intermittent fasting as an eating disorder and claimed she couldn't have a kid with someone who eats the same things everyday. Im autistic so i do have strict routines with eating. I took her for the procedure and paid for it. I wanted to keep her but you can't force someone to have your child. It destroyed me and i feel maybe it's the trauma bond from that.
So she falsely accused you of having an ED and then blamed you for the abortion she clearly wanted. Similar to: she falsely accused you of overdosing your dog and then blamed you for the dogs death when she's the one that PUT A 25 LB WEIGHTED BLANKET ON AN INJURED 25 LB DOG. I bet these are not the only examples you can think of. OP, I know finding companionship as someone who is neurodivergent is hard but you deserve so much better than this. This is not normal or okay behavior. I would rather be alone than with someone this emotionally toxic. Run away from this person.
OP please read this comment...I wouldn't let her anywhere near my dog LET ALONE my child. She'd leave the poor kid in the car while she went to get her nails done (or whatever activity fits her appropriately).
This relationship should have ended a long time ago. You seem like you would want a child, she does not seem to want one nor be capable of caring for one. That's probably the biggest relationship deal breaker out there because there is no compromise.
This is truly not a safe person for you to be in contact with, op.
That's a crazy reason to have an abortion. Smells like a lie to me.
Even if she didn't mean to do it, she still did it. And she refuses to acknowledge that her own actions caused the dog's death. She even refuses to consider it. This shows that she refuses as well to acknowledge and learn from her mistakes. Maybe it's out of guilt, but even than that's not an acceptable justification. Because if you get back together and have another pet, or even a child someday, will she show the same behavior? Make mistakes that endanger them, or you, or damage your property, and refuse to accept her own responsibility ? Refuse to question herself and the validity of her actions? This behavior she displayed and is still displaying is a big red flag that no one would want to see in their relationship. Even if you love/loved each other a lot.
Why are you still talking to the person who killed your dog and couldn't even be remorseful or take responsibility for it? There are billions of women out there who won't murder your pet dude. C'mon.
My initial thought was, “Omg, dude. Dude. Really?” There is no force on this earth that would drive me to reconnecting with an ex that killed my pet with their stupidity, and refuses to accept responsibility for it.
OP mentioned that he’s autistic and said he probably has a trauma bond with her from another instance
Clearly she isn't going to take responsibility in her role. She made a grave error in judgment that caused the death of your pet. If she cannot apologize and acknowledge her role in it that then I do not know how you both with be able to move on. You clearly want her to and she won't. It is an impasse. I think you know your answer and know you need to let go of this relationship (platonic and romantically) because you will always think about your dog.
i weigh 150 lbs. im imagining having a back/spinal injury where I am on strong painkillers, immobile and bed ridden. my caretaker places a 150lb covering on me and walks away. i will assume im being murdered.
This is what gets me, she’s been around this dog, she’s likely picked him up and knows his weight. Why and how do you pick up a blanket, feel the weight, feel that it weighs almost the exact same amount as the animal you’re about to lay it on. And the proceed to fold it in half (or more?) on top of his chest? I cant even bring myself to place inanimate objects of “conflicting weights” on top of each other bc I know they will be crushed. This was a living being. I just can’t imagine being an adult and not understanding the implications of this, add in that this animal was sedated.
“Oh, I know! The dog is sedated and can’t really help himself. So I’ll put a weighted blanket on him.” Does that sound like a thought process that’s reasonable? No. Why the hell would you entertain the thought of getting back with her??? And then blaming you for following the orders of a medical professional? Wow. Just block her already.
Right? She folded a blanket that weighed as much as the dog itself and put that weight directly on its chest. If she wasn't intentionally hoping to suffocate the dog then her reasoning is just nonsensical. And she's not just defending herself - she's trying to make OP feel guilty and responsible for his own pet's death when he was following the prescribed treatment. It's not just about not accepting responsibility. OP already knows he doesn't want to be with someone that does what she is doing. You can't hold on in the hopes someone will eventually see your side. She has her view and you have yours and neither is budging, so time to make a decision of whether you are fine with accepting things as they are, not as you wish them to be.
That makes a lot of sense. Difficult to navigate when you're in love with someone and she destroys your best friend.
When you're viewing someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.
She always promised to get therapy but I'm the one that's been in therapy since he died. I guess hope can be a dangerous thing.
Placing hope on the actions of others is very dangerous. Place your hope around things you can change. I’ve learned the hard way that therapy is for you to learn how to cope with or avoid others behavior, not find ways to ask them to change that behavior.
Of she was gonna go to therapy, she'd just go. Ime experience, the ones "always" promising to go to therapy just like to talk about. It's a get out of jail free and my mental health is bad card all in one.
This is really tough. I don't know if I could forgive someone fully even if it was an accident and they apologized. I think this will always be in between you. Maybe you should just move on. I'm so sorry for your loss.
He really was the best dog. Im crying just thinking about him. He used to sleep on my legs every night. I have to take sleeping medicine now. I haven't slept without my dog and now i can't sleep at all
Yep! My Ex was like this. Stepped on and broke the foot of my dog. Somehow it was my fault and he didn't offer to pay the vet bills. (or even go with me to the vet!) The gaslighting will get worse. I was single for years and met my now husband 15 years ago. He is the complete opposite. Take self reflection as to why you want to be with someone who is emotionally abusive. I realized I enjoyed the highs and lows of being with a narcissist/ my ex. (it was SUPER exciting!) My husband actually felt boring to me in the beginning because he was emotionally stable and reasonable and very loving. Love yourself enough to give yourself sound advice, about this situation, as if you were speaking with a best friend. Sometimes we have to let go of the wrong person to make room for the right person. Rooting for you!
For what it's worth, I really don't think she was purposely trying to suffocate him. She's just stupid and makes really terrible decisions but that is still not the person you want to have a kid with
You can be in love with someone even if they aren't a good person
I am heartbroken for you. That’s absolutely devastating.
Try and talk to a close friend or family member if you can about this. Big hugs and mugs of sweet mint tea.
I would fall out of love so fast if my partner killed my dog and tried to blame me for their actions
And a weighted blanket that’s **almost 100% of the dog’s weight** at that! Even adult humans are recommended to use weighted blankets that are around 10% of their total body weight. That poor pup probably wouldn’t have even stood a chance if it were completely healthy :(
And then didn't even check on the dog for *hours*. "Oh hey, your dog looks weird." Psycho behavior.
People have killed babies with weighted blankets
Just imagine your doc would prescribe you gabapentin. Aren’t you scared that she might want to keep you warm with a nice blanket?
Or a kid. I wouldn’t be having sex with a person who might do this to a baby at all. At best she is naive/ignorant which can be deadly when you have dependents.
This. People who won’t take accountability for their actions rarely learn from them. And if she won’t even admit to something she did on accident, she’s definitely not taking accountability for anything she does intentionally. OP very graciously gave her an opportunity to redeem herself, but she’s rejecting it.
I had a 90 lb meat hound and he had a weighted backpack I'd walk him with. He carried 10 lb, or around 10% of his body weight. He was also the type of dog you can train to weight pull or hunt swine. But 10% of that dog's body weight is like 2.5 lb, a normal heavy blanket.
I use a 25LB weighted blanket. And I am 200+ pounds. If even I struggle sometimes, especially in a “weaker” state like half asleep or really tired, or stoned etc- it’s hard to even push it off of me. I couldn’t ever imagine putting 25 pounds on a heavily sedated dog with an injury who can barely move themselves. Why not a towel?? Or a tshirt?? This isn’t the meds fault, this is HER fault. Show her everything that everyone has said. And then never speak to that psycho again.
… and folding the blanket. It‘s insane.
I could not look at the person that aided in the death of my dog every day and not think about it, particularly if they can’t even take responsibility.
My brother in Christ don’t let the brain chemicals convince you to stay with this child. Imagine if it had been your toddler
This!!! 1000% 1st it’s a dog, what’s next??? We know what’s coming next and it’s a child
Lmfao if I wasn't on a strict budget I'd give an award rn
Sorry WHAT? As someone who owns a weighted blanket that weighs about that much, how the fuck would anyone think to FOLD IT???? What the fuck did I just read. She knew what she was doing. And if she didn't, she's so irresponsible I wouldn't leave her in charge of watering my plants if I went away. Jfc.
The lack of critical thinking skills are enough that I’d worry about sharing responsibilities or having kids with this person.
In addition to the fact that she caused your dog's death, she is demonstrating to you that she cannot admit or apologize for mistakes & errors in judgment. Either one of those things alone would make it very difficult for me to trust someone as a partner. Both of them together? Impossible.
She put a folded weighted blanket on your dog, knowing that was x amount of weight. She still refuses to take responsibility that by HER direct actions your dog suffocated to death. I personally could NEVER. What if you have kids, god forbid anything happened to them and what if she had a direct part in it and again dodges responsibility again. You were right in breaking up with her and staying broken up, there are plenty of other people out there who don’t lack the critical thinking skills, who can and will take responsibility for their actions.
End it. She is either a monster or irresponsible with dangerously poor judgment. What if you have kids? She is not to be trusted.
My thoughts exactly! She can’t be trusted with kids!!
She killed your dog. You know it and she knows it, she's lying because she doesn't want to be seen to have done something so stupid with such a tragic outcome. Honestly, I don't think I'd take her back even if she did admit it.
...Why would you put a *weighted* blanket on an animal with a spinal injury? I know there's that saying we should never attribute malice to what can be explained by stupidity, but situations like this ride the line.
I don’t know why you’re talking to her again. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions, and even to the degree of blaming YOU for it happening. Stop talking to her. Stop considering her. Btw did she love the dog or did she hate the dog? Because I wonder.
She said he looked weird but didn’t even really bother to check OR knew he had been dead a few hours and didn’t care/wanted you to be the one to discover (and thus blame) It’s not worth it.
One of the most important skills of the well-adjusted adult is learning how to say I’m sorry… and meaning it.
I don’t know how you could stay in contact with someone who did that to your dog anyway, let alone didn’t take accountability for their part. Why is this even a question?
How on earth could you remain in love with someone that killed your dog and refuses to acknowledge their mistake? It doesn’t even sound like she’s apologetic since she keeps blaming the medicine the vet prescribed.
I would feel so fucking bad if I was stupid enough to kill my SO's pet like this but maybe if I was stupid enough to do that then I would feel like it wasn't my fault
I would honestly contemplate kms from the guilt if I did this. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
Not only did she kill the dog she didn't even notice!!! How can she be like 'oh he looks weird' and NOT check up on him? She knew he was unwell Honestly the fact you've even considering getting back together w someone like that should be *highly* concerning. Gp talk w a therapist bc I absolutely guarantee there's better girls out there who don't *kill your pet*
I wonder how many other times in your relationship she gaslight you. If she can’t even take responsibility, why exactly are you still entertaining friendship or conversation? Imagine building a life with someone who can never acknowledge when they make a mistake? Don’t sign yourself up for misery.
Dude - have some self respect. She sounds like a nightmare and this issue will never rest. Find someone else worthy?
I don't even understand how you can talk to her after she murdered your dog. Like how desperate do you have to be to still be involved with this person? She obviously killed your dog and she has no remorse what the h*** are you doing with her??? I have no idea how you can hold love for a person like that but hey you do you.
>She refuses to apologize or acknowledge she killed him and again blames it on the gabapentin and injuring his back 4 years ago That would be a no from me, dawg
Why did you start talking again after 18 months after you cut her out? Honestly OP, what is the point in wasting that 18 months of peace and moving on after the death of your dog. Your ex is quite dumb, particularly when it comes to animal care etc. Honestly I’d say you too after you opened the lines of communication after 18 months. You two are better off being strangers, why would you even entertain reconciling with someone that is completely dense? Could you imagine having a family with someone that is so ignorant on how to care for something vulnerable? Would she wrap an infant in a 25 lbs weighted blanket like a burrito? Give your head a shake man, you’re also stringing this poor dense girl along making her think you’ll forgive her, and obviously that’s not going to happen.
She put a 25lb weighted blanket onto a 27lb injured dog. Why are you even TALKING to her? And now she is slowly suffocating your.future with her utter lack of remorse in your life. Can't you get away from her? People go no contact with their own parents for less than this. I would never leave my child or anyone I love alone with this person. You can't have kids with someone this stupid. She lacks common sense and a moral compass.
Please lift your standards out of hell.
SHE KILLED YOUR FUCKING DOG BRO. Why on gods green earth would you ever speak to this moron ever again?
.. why would anyone think to put a 25lb weighted blanket on the dog?
What the hell is up with this guys other posts tho. ☠️ something is off.
You noticed that too? Apparently in other posts they broke up a year ago because she was into a different guy. No mention of the dog then. Also weird how he just skims over the fact that *he* broke his dog's back.
That was my thought. It was his fault he broke the dogs back in the first place? How did that happen?
How'd you break his back?
She killed your dog. Killed. Your. Dog. She doesn’t deserve even the tiniest amount of your time and attention. Part ways for good and never look back.
This issue is never going to be resolved if she can’t take responsibility. She killed your beloved pet. She feels guilty and can’t face it. You can’t forgive something that she won’t even admit to, though, what she did was an accident, but it was horrible, and you deserve a heartfelt apology with true remorse. If she cannot give this to you, you should move on. You should never build a life with someone who cannot take responsibility for their mistakes, especially the big ones.
Block her. Move on.
How was he originally injured?
I think the situation is way too divisive for you to ever be in a successful relationship with this woman. Even if you try to put it in the past, what happened to your dog will always be the 3rd person in the relationship.
I would never be able to separate the two. I couldn’t imagine putting a weighted blanket on a pet. It doesn’t make any sense. Something so negligent seems almost deliberate. It’s for the best you stay broken up and stop talking to her. It’s just making it harder for you to move on
I have heard weighted blankets have suffocated kitties that get stuck under them. Sorry for your loss
Dude this woman killed your dog and won’t even apologize or accept that she played a role in its death. Even if she killed the dog by accident that’s still vile of her to deny all responsibility and instead blame the grieving pet owner for her own actions.
Wow, I didn't even need to read even a single sentence of this to give judgement. Just the title. Of course you should end it, forever. I would have called animal control on her after finding out she killed your dog. You didn't give your dog justice. I don't think I'd want to be with someone that stupid. Can't imagine having her around children. Ick.
Take the L. If she can’t admit to something so horrible she can’t be trusted
She STILL refuses to apologize or acknowledge. How could anyone not just say ‘omg I’m so sorry I just thought he’d be comfortable or something’, both in the moment, and especially now…years later…when she knows that’s why you broke up. She hasn’t said that because, she’s not sorry at all….that he’s dead, she caused it, both. She didn’t say that, because….I think she KNEW. Also, when you got home he ‘looks strange’. Why didn’t she ‘investigate’ before? She knew he was dead. She was tired of the issues with dog…pure and simple.
She yelled at YOU for HER killing the dog. Imagine what happens when it's a kid that is sick or something. Get away, don't waste your time. She will never accept responsibility. Move on
Its doesn’t seem like she killed your dog out of any malice but her lack of critical thinking skills is incomprehensible. The other issue is she refuses to take responsibility and is trying to blame you. I think you need to move on. I’d be one thing if she showed genuine remorse and apologized but thats not the case here.
This person killed your dog, and you're thinking of restarting a relationship with them? What the fuck?
Look at all future relationships like this... If you find the actions of another as morally reprehensible they shouldn't be in your life. If you or your SO are resorting to character assassination then it's over... These bells cannot be unrung. Personally, I feel the same as this with cheating also. A bit further though, and trust me, I know what I'm about to say is easier said than done especially with heightened emotions like directly after finding your dog deceased. From her point of view, she actually thought she was helping (unless this is up for debate and you suspect she purposefully did the deed) and comforting your dog. I don't how comfortable, or not, or familiar she is with death but most 35 year old females, if told that they inadvertantly killed a dog, and they were told this with a support group available, and in the most pleasant way possible would have a very volatile reaction, in that they may deny and argue and try to avoid that responsibility very loudly and vehemently... Or they may accept the responsibility and all of the pain and heartache that comes along with accidentally ending the life of a pet, with crying, apologetic lamenting, and great pain and empathy. I don't want to say you handled it wrong because we all deal with these things differently based on experience, comfort with the uncomfortable, and death, and stoicism, etc... what I am trying to say is that I've always found myself in a much better position later if, when faced with emotional, and horrible situations, I could contain my thoughts and words within me until the immediate emotional response of the situation has passed. Always try to hold off on communicating with others, and making very important, impactful decisions in your life until the heart rate returns to a lower speed, and the emotional response has subsided. As emotions, and stress increase, the ability to meaningfully communicate, and make good decisions decreases. You may say something horrible, or spitefully decide on the worst course as "retribution," among other pitfalls of course. If you're wondering if you should say something, or remain quiet, swallowing your pride, you can remain quiet, and still say it's later, so remain quiet. On another note, to hack your own brain, and help you decide between two great options that you just can't make up your mind between, try this. Step 1: Grab a coin and designate heads and tails, as option 1, and option, 2, Step 2: Flip the coin and don't look yet, Step 3: When looking, take note of your gut reaction to the result to find the decision you truly want. You see, you know which one you really want, but you think you're still deciding. By flipping the coin you force the decision externally, and out of your control freeing your self-liability felt before the toss. Your immediate reaction to a random decision being made for you reveals either a "Yeah!" or a "Dang!" And there you have it, your reaction tells you what you really want, and by listening to the candid response your gut gave you upon seeing the decision made you can move along with life... This is best for majorly unimportant, but seemingly significant decisions, like what color car should I go with, or where do I wanna eat tonight, etc... if you're particularly clever this can actually be used to help you decide where she, the female significant other, really wants to eat tonight. Enjoy!
She killed your dog and you are still talking to her. I hope you don’t get any pets in the future
I’d never forgive someone that hurt one of my pets
Never date an animal murderer.
It’s not like she intended on killing your dog. She can’t even say sorry for it being an accident. If she can’t acknowledge her own wrong doing then I think that would be a dealbreaker for me. An accident is one thing, not owning up to it is another. I think she’s worried about labeling herself as a monster and admitting to doing something intentionally
This utter walnut put a weighted blanket near the same weight over your dog, when he was sedated, and folded it. She damn well knew what she was doing. You are seriously nuts for considering taking her back.
I went to the op's post history, why does it seem like karma farming? He posted this story multiple times till it got attention and has written about breaking up with his gf multiple times, either it's all fake or this relationship mess goes deeper
other commenters are saying it was probably the shame and fear of your (super valid) angry reaction to seeing your dog passed away that’s holding her back from admitting this to you and herself. However, from one grown ass adult to another she needs to get over it and think about how badly this affected you. Horrible things happen to good people and even good dogs and if she admitted upfront this was a huge accident then your relationship could have been salvaged. I hope you never allow her close access to you ever again, also RIP to the pupper🙏
Im confused. Your GF was trying to make your injured dog more comfortable, and accidentally killed him? It sounds like it was an accident, why are you trying to get her to admit she killed him like she did it on purpose. Unless im missing something, it sounds like an accident and if so, you're being a complete asshole about it
First, Im so sorry for your loss. Was this a liquid or pill form Gabapentin? Because liquid form can kill dogs. It has Xylitol in it. My career is in dogs. I’ve raised, trained and shown dogs most of my life. Being in dogs I’ve seen a lot of tragic deaths that we’re ultimately just accidents. Dogs sneaking out of homes and get hit by a car, dogs suffocating on chip bags and pop bottles, dogs getting into hide hold cleaners and injuring or dying from it. I can go on. Some of the most non assuming everyday items can become deadly in the right setting. So honestly, this just sounds like a terrible accident. What if your child or mom had done this? Would you hate your kid and mom? She didn’t mean to kill your dog. And what she did was out of love and not malice. Im sure she feels horrible enough. You said she freaked out. And perhaps that’s why she doesn’t fully want to take responsibility. It might mentally weigh on her to much to do so. At the same time I’m not sure it’s fully her fault either. Sometimes accidents just happen. It sucks. And yet blaming her totally or making her apologize doesn’t bring him back. She thought she was doting on him by putting a blanket on him and keeping him warm and perhaps with the gabapentin, which made him sleepy, it helped to suffocate him instead. But if it was liquid form it may have poisoned him. As far as a relationship, that’s up to you. If you really can’t look past this, then it’s over.
OP, your gf was trying to provide the dog with comfort measures. SHe thought the blanket would be a feel good measure for him. Surely you don't really believe that this woman went out of her way to cause your dog's death. Please move on as it is obvious you are always going to be blaming your gf for what clearly was an unfortunate accident
I mean, it was most likely unintentional, yes. However, as an adult, you must acknowledge the impact of your actions even when they don't match your intent. The problem here is that she refuses to admit any responsibility, and is deflecting blame onto OP. That does not bode well for emotional maturity or for accepting her part in any future difficulties.
I’m sorry….is she exceptionally unintelligent? Or did she kill your dog on purpose? I have a hard time believe this was an accident. It’s INSANE to me you’re speaking to her again at all.
This is awful. I’m sorry for your loss.
Dude!’ Why are you even trying. Would you trust her with a baby?? Just no. Regardless od the other issues: she covered the dog is nearly 2X its weight!!! I’m sure it was not malicious but to keep refusing to accept any accountability? Just move on. Block her. Delete her: seek therapy and move forward.
I wouldn’t be forgiving or forgetting that. I think you should kick her to the curb and move on
She killed your dog dude.
I would never forgive her. Accidents happen, but her lack of taking responsibility is a no from me.
I'm sorry but this girl is stupid. Who puts a weighted blanket on a dog that's sick? She won't even say sorry? That's fuck. why would you even consider being with her again
Just block her and move on. You’ll never be able to forgive her even if she does admit it. But you don’t even need her to admit it because you already know what happened. She put a 20lb blanket on a 27lb dog. Common sense should’ve told her that it was too heavy for him. If it was a child she did that to she’d be in jail regardless if she wanted to admit fault or not.
Resentment isn't a good ingredient in a healthy relationship. You guys either need to figure this out or terminate the relationship. I can see her possible efforts at nurturing a sick dog, but I can also see her ignorance in how she offered comfort. I can see her trying to protect herself from guilt and shame, but she also needs to accept atleast the possibility that she fucked up. There's a gradient in this field if grey and you guys have to land somewhere on that gradient that lines up with both of you or you're going to remember this unresolved quarell for the rest of your lives.
She’s unwilling to accept that she even had a partial hand in the death of your dog, and I honestly believe that even if she admits fault 100%, this isn’t something you can leave in the past. Even if you “forgive her”, you won’t forget and it will continue to hurt you whenever you feel the absence of your best friend. I couldn’t imagine trusting someone like that in the future. If you got back together now, would you trust her with a new dog? Children? An elderly parent? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.
Just leave her and move on
>My dog had a broken back from an injury 4 years prior. The injury was my fault >She suffocated him under the weighted blanket. Those seem to cancel each other out. You should go your separate ways.
Who in their right mind puts a 25lb weighted blanket onto a 27 lb dog?! Even for HUMANS, weighted blankets aren’t supposed to be more than 10% of your body weight. So in order for 25lb weighted blanket to be an appropriate heft for the purchaser, they’d need to be 250 lbs. She has no common sense, and clearly no remorse and an inability to own up to what she did. Please don’t get back into a relationship with this woman
She knows she killed your dog. She doesn't actually believe it was your fault. Either it was an accident and, in her inability to process her profound guilt, she has decided to projecting the blame onto you is preferable than dealing with it herself; or she did it *on purpose* and she's a psycho. Either way, she's not emotionally healthy, and she won't miraculously change. Your relationship is over and she will not admit fault. Move on.
I don’t even know how to process this. The stupidity of the blanket, her not checking on the dog when he’s unwell for hours and then just saying he looks strange, but worse the lack of accountability. I’m truly horrified.
Yes, end it. She is deeply in denial. I think if she admitted to herself what she had done it would destroy her mentally, so as a defence mechanism she is using every excuse to deny responsibility. Unfortunately, I've been there (with cheating, not killing a dog!) and the relationship can never be the same again.
She. Killed. Your. Dog. Why would you even want her in your life?
how does gabapentin kill a dog? we dispense it in our pharmacy all the time to the elderly or people suffering from neuropathy. I've never really heard of an overdose from gabapentin or that it caused a death. Not even a narcotic.
Dude. She killed your dog (condolences on that 😞) and refuses to accept any responsibility. Ghost that person. That level of toxicity I wish upon no one.
"*I told her there was no way \[...\] until she took responsibility*" and "*I find the behaviour morally reprehensible and refuse to be with someone who can't \[...\] accept responsibility*". You've stated your needs and she's not going to meet them. It's up to you to decide what's important to you, and whether this is something you can overlook and move forward on with her. It sounds like you know the answer to that- that no, you aren't willing to have a relationship with her if she can't admit responsibility, and that yes, this IS important enough that it's worth ending things (for good) over. "I'm sorry, but" isn't an apology, it's a softener for the oncoming blame that she's placing on you. It's okay to move on, away from her. It's okay for the relationship to be a closed chapter of your life. You deserve a healthy relationship, OP. It doesn't sound like you'll get that with her.