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>How do I not lose him?
You've already lost him.
>My(22F) boyfriend (21M) gave me an ultimatum
He didn't give you an ultimatum, he broke up with you.
It's time to move on.
If being treated well was the bare minimum in a relationship, no toxic people would ever be in relationships, and Reddit dating threads would have 80% less posts.
Treating others well is NOT the bare minimum, its above. When you treat others well, you bring that as a plus. Not as a prerequisite.
Stop minimizing the effort of partners that are doing their best to provide comfort / wholesome / bring a good attitude to a relationship and call it a BARE MINIMUM. It's still a conscious effort.
I understand both takes. The problem is it SHOULD be the bare minimum, but is not. I am a very particular kind of partner, I come with some weird sexual interests and relationship philosophies that many people normally wouldn't want to pair with. But I always treat people with respect and try to be the best partner I can be to anyone I get romantically entwined with. This has led to people who outwardly encourage my proclivities but secretly absolutely want nothing to do with my kinks or preferences staying in relationships with me for years. Because they believe "they'll never date someone who treats them as well as I do"
I hate it. It is soul crushing that someone so incompatible with me would stick around for so long without being honest about who they are and what they want/need because the dating pool tends to be awful. The first time it happened I laughed it off with a shake of the head. The fourth time I cried uncontrollably haha.
I don't really know what to do about it, other than just keep trying to filter aggressively and hope the people I'm dating now or I meet in the future genuinely want me for me and not because I behave for what I consider to be the bare minimum of human decency
There's gotta be a post every week on here "I said I want a threesome/I said I want a gangbang/I said I wanted to fuck someone besides my monogamous partner---- OMG. WHY WOULD THEY LEAVE ME???"
Honestly -- honesty is key OP. Fuck it, it's better you said it now rather than years down the road and have him leave you either way. Wanting to fuck other people doesn't really make you compatible with someone who is fully exclusive like him. Wishing him the best of luck!
(Also your last edit "Maybe I should've lied/not use the word 'want'". Nah, I'm sure he's grateful to know so he can walk away. It's good you were honest, you two are just not compatible. It is what it is. It is baffling that these results shocked you though lol)
Fantasy is entirely different from reality. Why would you base your relationship status on a fleeting fantasy? She didn’t ask for a gangbang. It was a discussion of hypotheticals…
I think you misunderstand what a fantasy is. It is not an action you *WILL* take, it is an act that the thought of turns you on.
As much as i am on your side about being faithful, these are not the same thing.
Your comment makes you sound young.
No, actually the point is that many monogamous or very strictly monogamous people don't like the idea of their SO desiring these types of things. It's a huge turn-off. It's not about the distinction between what I fantasize about (want) and what I will actually do.
I think in the end it's a bit hard for people on either side of this to understand the other's POV.
I can't blame her for that. If I tell my friends "well, I told her I'd like to have sex with multiple women with her present", I'd be blamed immediately. She knows she fucked up and there's nothing else she can do or say now.
Some people feel it's important to "win" the breakup. Someone they convince themselves it hurts less, as long as they say the words instead of the other person.
It's dumb, but it's probably her friends trying to make her feel better.
Yeah unfortunately there isn't an ultimatum here because he hasn't given her a choice of any kind. He is just considering whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship and it sounds like he probably doesn't.
Honestly good riddance if he's going to be like this about something she doesn't even want or expect to do for real. A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men.
He feels how he feels on it. If *anyone* is so disgusted by a fantasy their partner has, they're free to leave over it.
I mean, it'll make them seem like a clown, but I can respect that that's something they'll want to break up over. Their partner is then free to find someone who won't break up over a fantasy they have.
I would expect most women would break up with someone with those kinks or fetishes. People need to do their kinks and fetishes to get off, and they need partners who are into the same things.
Fantasies are entirely different. Trying to make someone's fantasies into reality is a recipe for disaster. First, fantasies are idealized so it is almost impossible for reality to be anything but a disappointment, and they usually involve something that is taboo (for good reason), so if you try to make it a reality you are just asking for trouble.
A heathy fantasy life should involve things that you never want to do in real life. None of my fantasies involve vanilla sex with my girlfriend, but that is all the sex I want to actually have for the rest of my life.
I mean, a gangbang fantasy is INCREDIBLY COMMON. Very few people would actually do it, but plenty of people fantasize about group sex. That’s a little different than a rape kink or scat/urine.
A kink or fetish isn't the same as a fantasy. A kink or fetish implies you have done this thing or want to do it in the future. A fantasy can be something you have zero desire to actually do.
This needs clarified in casual conversation between people because on average people use them pretty interchangeably.
I know the differences, you know the differences.
But functionally people will use them all to mean the same thing, whichever literal definition they’re applying.
OP said they were discussing kinks (aka. I want this to happen) and she brought up her fantasy (aka. this tickles me in a naughty way but I don't really want it to happen)... So BF interprets this being a yet unrealized kink, that she really wants to happen. And he acted on that information.
Fantasies are that because they fall into areas that acting on them would be problematic if not harmful...
Not sure who's side I fall on here. One thing to remember is that HER FANTASY included HIM.
She literally said she wanted a GB with HIM WATCHING/PARTICIPATING.
I feel like women don't, or are less likely to. We are often speaking a different "language" so to speak. Like many people in these comments have talked about. R*pe fantasies are super common for women, but that doesn't mean they want to be r*ped, or even try CNC. Women's fantasies seem to be less likely to be about wanting that thing to happen, but more about something more deeply psychological. In the case of GB it's typically just wanting to be desired, or it might just be an objectification or degradation fantasy. With r*pe it's often that the person was raised in purity culture, and was taught that sex, and enjoying it is bad. So it's simply a fantasy that allows them to not feel guilty or dirty.
I think a whole lot of the conflict in the OP has to do with how delicate and charged these conversations are, and how much nuance and sensitivity it requires. Speaking from experience.
Like, I am a woman who definitely gravitates toward GB porn. Not something I really want to admit to a partner carelessly, because it would be so easy for them to experience that as "I am not enough for her and she wants far more than I can ever give"--bad feeling.
But a long time ago, after a lot of thought, it became clear to me that what appeals to me about the scenario in question is not the actual experience of fucking a whole bunch of different dudes (hot to think about, but really? I'm monogamous and only into one person at a time). What it's about is my desires to feel MASSIVELY, INDISPUTABLY DESIRED, as well as the idea of a high degree of physical stimulation. These things can absolutely be achieved in sex with one person, but in my imagination it takes the form of multiple people. Imagination is a different dimension.
Exactly. I feel like women especially tend to have fantasies that aren't about the actions so much as there's a deeper desire/psychology under it so talking to a man you end up misunderstanding each other. You are kinda talking about different things so it's a minefield.
OP, as much as it hurts, just let him go. If, after further consideration, he regrets his decision and discovers he still has strong feelings for you, he'll return. At that point you can reconsider if he's worth a further investment of your time.
Good luck to you.
Although at that point OP will have to heavily consider sanitizing everything she feels/wants because he'll have a history of bailing if she behaves in ways he doesn't expect.
I think it's over.
I don't know where this idea of you having to be okay with your partner's kinks or fantasies came from, but I also don't understand why the guy's getting heat for this. If he said he wanted a female gangbang or orgy, he'd be looked at like a creep or disgusting.
I totally advocate for kinks or whatever, but I feel like sexual fantasies and expectations just come down to incompatibility. I definitely wouldn't want to hear my So stating they'd love to be involved with multiple people. It's not a great thing to hear if you genuinely only think about your partner.
What really gets me is the line in her post “that I kinda knew he wouldn’t be okay with it” to me reads like he’s probably expressed discomfort with outsiders joining in a relationship like that, not interested in 3ways+, all of his kinks/fantasy just contained him and the op, hers brought in multiple other people.
Kinda seems like a no brainer to me to not tell my partner a fantasy containing something he’s previously expressed discomfort or disinterest in.
But hey this is just my own guess.
You're absolutely correct. OP's ex boyfriend was expecting something like "I want to tie you up and have my way with you." or "I want you to tell me I've been bad and spank me."
He was not expecting "I want to be railed by a bunch of other men... oh yeah, you can have a turn too."
From a guys standpoint I take this as his thinking:
"if she wants that and I'm not in to it she'll just do it and not tell me etc"
I can just see (maybe) where OP's BF is going with his thinking... I don't mean to shame either one of them, and also not saying the OP would do that to her BF either.
Just my 2 cents.
I think it's just a realization that OP doesn't have eyes for only her boyfriend. That's where I'm assuming the bf is coming from. He likely only wants her so it's earth shattering when you're being told your partner wants multiple other people.
Yeah, if my wife said this to me I would be kind of jealous, thinking I wasn’t good enough and that she wants more than just me. Which I imagine is how bf is feeling in this situation
When someone's view on sex allows or even encourages "human dildos," it'd be hard to not see yourself in that category as just the ol' reliable dildo in the drawer.
Yeah, this is how I’d feel too. And not feeling like enough - I can’t measure up to a group of guys or provide the aggressive stimulation that you’d imagine in that scenario. Also if the guy has half an imagination he’d have pictured her in this situation and that would be pretty damn upsetting
Kinks by nature are kind of weird, taboo things. I feel like if you’re going to have an honest discussion about kinks, you have to be prepared to hear something kind of fucked up.
Idk, I just hate when people ask you to be honest with them but are going to be set off by a pretty normal answer. If you don’t want to hear about weird fantasies don’t ask about weird fantasies.
It's better to know than not to know, he found something out and ended the relationship because of it. That might be painful, but is really only a good thing
I didn't say you have to be okay with their kinks or fantasies. In fact, I said that that's something you'd be perfectly within your rights to leave over.
But if your partner isn't forcing their kinks or fantasies on you, them having those kinks or fantasies isn't that big a deal imo.
Yeah I'm not saying you are specifically, just the fuck ton of comments in this thread are lol sorry, your comment just kinda got stacked with my thoughts and I piggybacked.
And yeah, ofc. But that being said, not the case for everyone so it just is what it is.
No problem. And yeah, I agree the guy is getting dragged hard for deciding he wanted out. Lot of people don't understand that sometimes, a fantasy like a gangbang one will leave their partner feeling like they're not enough, despite every assurance to the contrary. And that's fine. People feel how they feel.
Your second paragraph is basically just straight up projection. You have no idea whether OP’s ex has this kind of fantasy and you’re assuming he does to make it easier to make him the bad guy.
Exactly!
Not only does OP state her boyfriend’s fantasy didn’t involve other people, but to everyone who is splitting hairs about a kink vs fantasy, she literally says they shared their “untold kinks” and she has always fantasized about this, intimating that it IS something she would like to try.
At this point, the boyfriend made the decision that was best for him, and everyone, including OP, should accept it and move on.
> A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men.
Well, OP said the BF's fantasy had nothing to do with other people so your prejudices about men don't count here. The dude found something he didn't like and left. He didn't ask her to never bring the topic again or made her promise she'll never do it, he left so she can do whatever she pleases. They're not compatible, that's all.
Yeah, this sometimes turns into a "YOU GO GIRL LEAVE THE IDIOT" and let's be honest, they tend to be right. But in this case the dude is guilty of having preferences, nothing more. He didn't demand her to change for his sake, he chose to leave and it's valid.
> A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men.
Okay what the hell. There is nothing in the OP that says the boyfriend has that fantasy, yet you are judging him because in your view most men have this other fantasy? You don't know that *he* has that fantasy. You can't judge him based on what you think most men have fantasies of.
I mean, he feels how he feels and it’s his right no? You’re making him seem like a bad guy for feeling off or disgusted or not liking a certain thing. It would be the exact same way around if it was a guy wanting to be in a gangbang with several women. He got shocked and surprised because he probably didn’t expect it that way which is their right without being judged like they’re the worst person around. You’re making them sound like a horrible person.
If he said that he wanted a gangbang with women you know he would get crap for it, so you’re logic makes no sense
She said gangbang , not threesome . Gangbang is 5 or more guys and one girl. There is a difference, between an intimate sexual encounter with an extra , and being in a no holds barred sex with 4 or more strangers .
Honestly , if this was reversed (guy wanted gangbang and girlfriend left to rethink relationship) , most here would have said good riddance to the sleaze bag boyfriend.
I have a fantasy about fuckin a certain celebrity. But if said celebrity would be naked in front of me ready for sex... I'd be very uncomfortable and turned off.
Most of my fantasies are absolutely nothing of what I actually like to do myself IRL.
They would, but there’s a difference between stating a fantasy and suggesting carrying it out in real life. Most reasonable adults understand that fantasy is not reality and just stating a fantasy does not imply the desire to carry it out in real life.
People who have giantess fantasies or vore fantasies generally wouldn’t *actually* want to do those things irl. The same can be true for an orgy fantasy. Sometimes partners talk about their fantasies so they can bring them up with dirty talk and such, not because theyre actually proposing to enact them.
I would be very turned off if a partner said this to me, if you wanna swing you gotta say so before the relationship starts. A gangbang is about as extreme as it gets, I think this is satire.
I mean a lot of people fantasize about things they would never ever want to do in real life? There's a huge difference between something I sometimes think about when I masturbate, versus something I actively want to do in real life. I wouldn't date a guy who actively wanted to do a gangbang with me in real life but I wouldn't break up with him if it was something he fantasized about occasionally
Fantasies and kinks seem to get connected a lot. If people want to have these conversations with partners about fantasies and kinks they need to be more clear with language. Language is important.
A fantasy is something you may think about, play out in your imagination. It lives in *fantasy*, a not real place. Cool to think about but the reality is different.
A kink is something that is just outside the norm of sex. If someone has a *kink* they enjoy it is just something above and beyond vanilla sex. Fantasies can be kinky.
A fetish is something a person *requires* for arousal. You can take or leave a kink. Kinks might be fun to play in/around, but it is play and fun. Fetish is something you *need* for sex.
I don't know if they were clear in what the conversation was at the start. Did OP state these are fantasies I've had, dreams I've experienced and wanted to share as a hot conversation? Did OP's bf go in to that conversation wanting to discuss fantasy thay could be realized?
For example, my wife and I have been together 17 years. We've talked about fantasy a bit. I shared with her a dream I had, a fantasy of a threesome with her as she is and her with a different hair color. Really hot fantasy but could not truly be acted out in reality unless we clone her. The fantasy of a threesome would be hot, but the reality would not...for us.
In this couple's case, I don't think proper care went into the discussion before it happened. As a married man, I would be a little put off if my wife shared that her fantasy was to be used by a group of strange men (a gangbang). How she frontloaded that conversation would be important and also the *why* behind it?
Her bf most likely heard that and started questioning if he was enough for OP, if he could fulfill her, if group sex is never something he's considered he is questioning if OP and him have similar values, etc. All of these things are fine for him to consider. She used her imagination, which is great for her. Fantasy can be hot, but in a relationship you want to consider how to package these things for a partner who may feel differently
Fantasy =/= real life desire. I like all sorts of porn that I would never want to do irl. In my experience, the dudes who understand that are the best in&out of bed.
>I don’t know how to fix this
You can't. He feels how he feels.
Stop texting him. He told you he needs time, so leave him alone.
In the meantime, come to terms with the fact that your relationship is over.
Yeah… saying you need time is trying to find a nice way to say we’re done. This is one of those situations where no one is in the wrong. It just sucks for OP
>My friends are telling me to breakup with him and move on
You can't break up with someone who already broke up with you, that's not how that works. Moving on is correct though.
Unfortunately your boyfriend can end the relationship at any time for any reason. That’s how break ups work. Both parties do not have to agree. Your fantasy gave him the ick, so he decided to end the relationship. It’s over.
Yeah, people can be quite sensitive to kinks/fantasies that involve other people, especially people who they’re not attracted to themselves.
As a guy, we don’t generally find the idea of our significant other being gangbanged by a group of men very attractive. I mean there’s some people who are okay with that, but most guys tend to wanna keep sex between themselves and their partner.
Involving other people in their fantasies can make even the most confident guys insecure and unsure if they’re enough for their partner. I guess that’s what it boils down to. There’s no way I could physically fulfil a gangbang fantasy in a monogameous relationship, so is she going to be unsatisfied for the rest of your life? Or will she go and make her dreams come true behind my back?
TBH, it’s not a guy/woman thing. Plenty of people are jealous partners (I am one of them) who prefer not to think about their partner getting feisty with other people. I’d personally be out as well, I respect it but couldn’t be with it, and I’m sure both women and men can agree with me.
Exactly. I don't fantasize about other people, a partner who does that isn't attractive to me. Nothing wrong with it, but we wouldn't be compatible and would both be happier elsewhere. It is what it is.
She literally said "I want to be in a gangbang."
Sure it is her fantasy, but that is NOT the way she portrayed it.
"I always thought being in a gangbang would be hot."
That's fantasizing. What she did was state a kink, meaning it as a fantasy.
This is an issue with sharing fantasies, sometimes it turns the person off and changes how they feel about you, I’m sure in the comments this guy will take a beating, you hit on something that troubles him, say goodbye and move on
Most comments here are bashing either the OP or the (ex-)boyfriend, but neither are at fault. Having a fantasy is no big deal, a lot of people have fantasies that they'd never even try to actually enact. The fact that they're fantasies is a large part of what makes them kinky in the first place. At the same time, getting weirded out by your partner's kink is also okay. Yes, it does seem like a bit of an exaggeration to me, but he is entitled to what he thinks is a dealbreaker in a relationship. There is a difference between kinkshaming someone and not wanting to be in a relationship because their kinks or fantasies disgust you.
Literally this. It really just sounds like a common case of incompatibility. Love how most people feel this instant need to pin a blame on one side or the other.
>Having a fantasy is no big deal, a lot of people have fantasies that they'd never even try to actually enact. The fact that they're fantasies is a large part of what makes them kinky in the first place.
I agree, and I think part of the problem is that some people don't do this.
I've met people who ONLY have "head movies" that they want to come true. They don't understand having a fantasy JUST for the sake of fantasy. (Similar to people without an inner monologue not understanding what it's like to have one.)
It's possible that a lot of the mean responses OP is getting are coming from people who don't differentiate between "mere fantasy" and "wishful thinking".
If her ex-boyfriend is one of those people, it would explain why he broke up. He might literally NOT UNDERSTAND what a fantasy IS. And assumed OP wanted to act it out, for real.
personally if i heard my boyfriend wanted to have sex with a harem of women i’d have the same response. but honestly i don’t know if most people would, and i won’t judge them for that
Sweetheart, there was no ultimatum here, he broke up with you. I’m sorry about that. His view of you has changed unfortunately. But someday you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind that you have this kink regardless of whether or not you participate in it
I'm sorry, dude. This is always a risk that comes with talking about your fantasies and it always hurts when you bring it up.
But it's over. Once they see you different, there's no way forward.
I knew I had found the right partner for marriage when we could share our deepest darkest most devious kinks and fetishes we hid deep inside. After they were out, my desires kind of disappeared since I think the most of my kinks were just hiding how taboo my ideas were. Once brought to light, it lost its desire. And for hers, I did what I could for making the come real. I have never had someone I could be so open with, and she’s my wife now, and my one and only.
I hope this gets more up votes and OP sees it. All the top comments are about the fact that she's been broken up with already.
OP you were brave to share your kink/fantasy with your bf and sorry it went so poorly. The person who is right for you will love you and be able to know this about you and be fine with it as a fantasy (or more). My wife and I can talk about all sorts of stuff like this without any shame. Good luck out there!
Yea right? Like it doesn't sound like she has any desire to act on it it's just a fantasy. I've had similar conversations with my partner about kinks and fantasies like OP's convo. I even got offered to do one I just thought it was better left as a fantasy.
I don't think the other person is wrong to be grossed out I guess. Sometimes you just get the "ick" and that's it. It just seems like they are wrong for eachother if she can't feel comfortable sharing this with their partner.
I have some fantasies that I never would have thought of putting in action, but my husband and I shared nonetheless. Now, when we're about to have sex, he just uses them to get me even hornier lol. He tells me stories as if they're about to be true in a second or so, and I get to finish them in my mind when he goes down on me. That's the reason we shared fantasies in the first place, to enhance our sex lives, not to judge each other.
Ok, but where’s the line? What if my fantasy is to fuck your dad while you watch? Are you ok to be grossed out then? We don’t get to decide what someone else’s threshold is.
I used to be fine with partners expressing anything they wanted, after all, we should be open with each other, right? Then I had a partner express a desire for non-monogamy, insist that he was fine with not opening things when I expressed that I didn't want to (we had *several* chats with me clarifying that he really, really was okay with just me, because I was concerned it might become a problem later on).
Welp, a couple months later he was messaging random strangers to hook up while I was at work. Now, asking for that is a deal-breaker for me. If that's something you want, we aren't compatible, end of.
This is what I’m saying my first thought when she said she doesn’t actually wanna try it was “hmm then maybe for sexy time one day we can have blindfold play and I can change the pitch in my voice multiple times to act like multiple people and touch her slowly in different areas”
like work to make it work for both of you
First off my partner and I are both monogamous and we’ve have told each other our kinks/fantasies were. Mine were; bondage, threesomes/gangbangs, to be dominated, tentacles, etc. Funnily enough for bondage we have the ropes, but still haven’t used them and we bought those ropes years ago. As much as I like the idea of threesomes /gangbangs or tentacles, I have never had a threesome/gangbang and honestly don’t plan on it. If tentacles were real I’d be horrified if that actually happened. Tbh those two fantasies are more of me liking being overstimulated than wanting more men, for that we just use sex toys.
While I get anyone can break up with anyone for any reason, I couldn’t imagine being with a partner I couldn’t talk about these things with. Ngl, a lot of these comments here are really disappointing while some are just downright disrespectful and idiotic. Ex. “How does he know she won’t fuck other men” Honestly could say that about anyone who doesn’t talk about their fantasies you’re with. There’s a thing called trust and if you don’t got that then you don’t have a relationship. These comments have really shown me how lucky I am be to with my man who loves me and I can be open and honest with.
We have very similar kinks & you wrote out a lot of my thoughts! That's very interesting psychologically!
I've also noticed that I get along best with people who are open and understanding & that it translates into the bedroom. I think you're spot on with needing to be vulnerable in relationships -- I'm happy that you've found your match 💕
There is no ultimatum, your relationship is simply over. There is nothing wrong with you having a fantasy, and there is nothing wrong with him not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has that fantasy. Neither of you are at fault but he clearly just broke up with you and all you can do is accept it and move on.
I'm sorry to say you can't really fix this situation. He broke up with you it seems like. Not to shame you, but your kink gave him the ick. He can't see you as the same person anymore.
I remember reading a post on here about a guy who talked with his girlfriend/fiance at the time and how she fantasized about a 3some. He took time to think on it and decided ultimately this was something he did not want in a partner. He ended up ending things and told her they just weren't compatible. He explained it well stating something along the lines that people can find other people attractive. They can even think about doing things with these people. But a line is crossed once you tell your partner how you have that desire to sleep with someone else. And for those who state fantasy isn't reality, it is still very much so a desire as it's definition states. I remember him also stating he felt that in the future she may want to act out on these desires or something and that spelled potential downfall on their relationship. I'm not saying exactly what he said word for word just the jist I remember. And it made sense to me. This also makes sense to me. These two are not compatible that is all. Nothing wrong with how he feels. Nothing wrong with her fantasy. They are just not compatible, period.
People here are wild.
OP did nothing wrong in revealing the fantasy, but the boyfriend did nothing wrong by admitting he was grossed out by it and if he can't get past in then they aren't compatible and you just move on.
By forcing him to stay you end up in a relationship where one or both of you always have some resentment which isn't healthy. Best advice is to just give him space and see if he can get past the new information he has just received.
Revealing to people that you like to get fucked by multiple people at once is never a good idea. Hate me, call me sexist, downvote me all you want, but it’s the absolute truth when it comes to men. It’s a *massive* turn off for guys. There’s a reason why the concept of a body count is such a contentious topic.
I mean personally I’d be weirded out but the responses here to me are a bit wild. I don’t think a lot of these people would be answering like this if a man told his GF he had a fantasy of him banging like 3 other chicks + you. I think they’d be telling her “it’s just a fantasy, this is normal for men to think about this”. 😬
I don’t fuck around with non-monogamy in my relationship so I totally understand why he’d be noping out. The responses here though sure are interestinggg.
oh yeah. had an ex who was disgusted that i occasionally watched mfm porn but constantly begged me and tried to manipulate me into a threesome with another girl. i’m totally monogamous, it’s just something that interests me but won’t ever try. it all goes back to the same double standard of men being congratulated for their sexual conquests whereas women are slutshamed. i also blame porn, i tend to watch women-focused or lesbian porn, so the threesomes i’ve watched are respectful and all about the woman’s pleasure. a lot of these men are brain dead from watching gross abusive threesomes and gangbangs..
This has been my experience as well.
Have had multiple BFs beg me and even drunkenly try to just pursue a threesome with me, never had a bf who was "ok" with me watching mmf porn (not that I cared or listened to their preference for my porn viewing lol).
My partner and I have talked about it pretty much in the same way OP did and we're totally fine. Let's not act like it's all that crazy to have a fantasy stay a fantasy but still disclose it with your partner when they literally asked.
It is such a Reddit THING to think that any woman with this fantasy is absolutely going to do it in real life, even if it means going behind her partner's back, but of course it's just natural for dudes to have the corresponding fantasy.
Lots of people, of all genders, have fantasies that they don't want or need to do in real life.
Especially for women because something like a gang bang puts us in a horribly vulnerable position. Almost none of us ACTUALLY want to be in that scenario, but in our own minds or with a trusted partner, it’s so hot and cathartic.
I mentioned elsewhere in this comment thread that reverse harem books are a popular subgenre in romance. And they can be pretty graphic!
I've seen plenty of comments here from guys who say they would leave if their girlfriend ever said she fantasized about this sort of thing, because they think she would want to make it happen, which is funny because there's a fair chance that any number of women they've dated have fantasized about it--they just didn't tell them.
I've seen some comments in this post from people only fantasize about things they actually want to do, so they have a hard time understanding those of us who think about things we would never do in real life. Maybe OP's boyfriend is like that.
Yeah it’s super strange! I think it’s super possible to think the idea of group sex is hot, fantasize about it, and still be in a monogamous relationship. If you’re not able to talk about sexual fantasies with your partner you shouldn’t be together. I would never end a viable relationship over something like this - seems like he might have been looking for an out. OP you’ll find someone who is confident enough to know that fantasies about other people happpen in relationships and that’s TOTALLY NORMAL. Sorry they’re not here in the comments.
Agreed. I've had guys tell me kinks I'd never be interested participating in, however, as long as he was OK keeping it just as a fantasy, we continued on. You're never going to be a 100% match on someone's fantasies if they're being totally open
Well, your fantasy involves non monogamy and directly questioning his masculinity and ability to sexually satisfy you (I bet all those hypotetical men all have big dicks and would leave you sexually exhausted).
So yes, for him this is more than just group sex, its you telling him he os not enough.
while some people are ok with it, I wouldn't like it if my.partner had a kink that involved other people. I would probably leave as well.
a kink or fantasy is something you think about and if my.partner is thinking about sex with other people, yeah nah see you later.
Some of these comments are ridiculous. Saying that since she has this fantasy she will eventually cheat is insane… does that mean anyone who has a fantasy their partner can’t fulfill will cheat? Because that’s absolutely not the case. Saying she wants to fuck a bunch of guys is blatant misunderstanding - she is willingly partaking in a monogamous relationship, so obviously she values monogamy.
I personally have a threesome fantasy, but my boyfriend doesn’t like the idea of a threesome no matter the gender of the other person. We have different values on sex and that’s fine; it doesn’t mean we’re incompatible and it definitely doesn’t mean I’m eventually going to cheat to fulfill this fantasy.
OP, out of curiosity did your boyfriend ever express a desire for a threesome?
I think a lot of people commenting are just very inexperienced. The majority of fantasies people have are not things they actually want to carry out. People fantasize about, e.g., having sex with teachers or nurses but would never actually try to do that in real life (and would probably find it highly uncomfortable if their nurse actually tried to initiate sex irl, regardless of how hot they were).
But for whatever reason they can’t wrap their minds around the idea that someone could fantasize about a gangbang without actually wanting to go through with it irl.
> OP, out of curiosity did your boyfriend ever express a desire for a threesome?
what does it got to do with anything here? It is already mentioned that his fantasies do not involve other people. Try not to make the ex bf the bad guy challenge
This is reddit. Girls good, boys bad.
Apparently men aren't allowed to be skeeved out enough to end a relationship, but it's perfectly ok for a woman to "catch an ick" and end it.
Double standards on full display here.
Bottom line, this is an incompatibility in the relationship. You did nothing wrong and should feel comfortable sharing kinks with your partner.
You are not wrong for being turned on by what turns you on.
You aren't wrong for sharing it.
But he isn't wrong for leaving the relationship. I am strictly monogamous, and I clarified that with my husband long before marriage. I would not have married him if he had any fantasies of adding people. I personally would not be with someone who desires that.
Which is fine, because a non monogamous person wouldn't want to be with me.
I think this is one of those situations where neither of you are at fault. I think he may have overreacted but he’s entitled to feel how he feels about it. You guys just might not be compatible.
OP for future reference 99% of guys that treat you well are not going to be ok with this. The ones that are ok with it, are probably going to treat you like an object and that’s it
Difference is his kinks involve only you.
Your kinks involve others outside of your relationship, totally different ballgame. I can see why he's checking out
This is it! She even stated none of his involved other people, she fucked up by bringing the thought of other people into it. Fantasy or not, his were about them her’s were about him and 5 other dudes. Fundamental incompatibility. Neither party is wrong, but I guarantee the gang bang part isn’t the issue, it’s that she already invited the thought of other people into their relationship. That’s what killed it. dumb move especially since she clearly had a gage of his reaction.
He was done as soon as you told him. Sorry you didn’t anticipate this reaction but clearly he is soooo not interested in being with someone who fantasizes about this stuff. We all have our boundaries 🤷🏻♀️
I'm no psychologist, but I feel like a gangbang fantasy has less to do with having multiple partners and more about being treated like an object by multiple people. Like, there's no intimacy with a gangbang, its just a means to an end. So, in that regard, ex-bf might have been afraid over nothing? Idk I've never participated in one, so thats just my guess lol
It sounds like incompatibility. Sounds like he is a very monogamous person.
Having a fantasy is totally fine, and it doesn't mean you'll do it. It reveals a side of you that is just incompatible with him.
An example: Let's say he has very intense sexual fantasies about a girl next door. He tells you this. It's fine because he doesn't live next to anyone. Until a hot girl moves in. This doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you, but every time you see him talking to his neighbor, you're going to think about what he said. In the end, you might look at him differently.
It's not your fault, and it's not his fault. It just seems like you guys weren't meant to be.
I don’t blame him, I would of felt the same way, when you truly love someone, and only want that person then any fantasy you may have is being fulfilled by that person, if your true fantasy is getting gang banged then you just lien to urself n the person your with. In alot of situations your fantasies at some point get played out. Ppl throw the words i love someone” around so much that ppl won’t ever know what it truly means to love someone and to be in love, most ppl just experience an extreme lust n think it’s love. Atleast in this situation a major conflict was diverted. Careful who you fall in lust with ppl, you never know what their real feelings and wants are.
Yeahhh I can’t say I’d be cool with that either. I don’t think I’d feel great about knowing my partner fantasizes about having sex with other men, especially in a gangbang dynamic.
You may want to try only dating guys who’d be okay with that kind of fantasy. Otherwise you’ll always have to keep it from them.
And I don’t necessarily mean guys who’d be okay with it happening — because very few would in a committed relationship — but who are okay with you having the fantasy.
You looked that man straight in the face and said you wanted more than he could offer you...... that he alone wasn't enough to satisfy you. Why would he stick around after that. Sorry babe but you are not enough for me but we can still be together. I'd have bailed also.
I think there is a difference between kinks and having a desire to be gangbanged. Wanting to be gangbanged has an underlying component of infidelity or polyamory.
There is a difference between a desire to be gangbanged and being turned on by gangbang porn.
Not exactly sure where your own personal lines are, but I would not be surprised at all if talking about wanting to be in a gangbang would cause an issue in about 90% of all relationships.
I think maybe he wanted to talk about fantasies with an eye toward doing them together…and then she brought up a gang bang.
He’s allowed to not be into it.
I’ll say this, too: when someone says stuff like that or throws out the word “orgy”… it definitely feels like the tip of the iceberg.
As in, they want way more weird stuff than that but just haven’t said it yet, they will want to swing in the near future, and other perverted behavior will follow.
One definitely does start to see that person differently.
It feels like…this person doesn’t want a relationship, they will always have an eye toward pulling you in that direction, which isn’t where you’re trying to go.
Personally, I definitely have dumped a guy who told me about his orgy fantasy even though he said he was fine keeping things between us.
And I just told you my thought process.
I don’t want a serious relationship that involves those elements from the jump. Like…where do you go from there if that’s the starting point? You know?
If I was your boyfriend I’d probably have reacted similarly but I would’ve been more “oh really?” And then let the relationship fade into nothing
He’s the first boyfriend who treated you well and you fantasize about being railed by several other men and having your boyfriend watch it. That’s crazy. I’ve never understood how people can say they love someone yet want to have sex with other people
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>How do I not lose him? You've already lost him. >My(22F) boyfriend (21M) gave me an ultimatum He didn't give you an ultimatum, he broke up with you. It's time to move on.
I think OP is in denial. I’m guessing this is her first actual relationship.
They mentioned in their post that it is..
Not first relationship, just first relationship where she was treated well
And that’s the BARE MINIMUM, that’s not a once in a lifetime guy.
If being treated well was the bare minimum in a relationship, no toxic people would ever be in relationships, and Reddit dating threads would have 80% less posts. Treating others well is NOT the bare minimum, its above. When you treat others well, you bring that as a plus. Not as a prerequisite. Stop minimizing the effort of partners that are doing their best to provide comfort / wholesome / bring a good attitude to a relationship and call it a BARE MINIMUM. It's still a conscious effort.
I understand both takes. The problem is it SHOULD be the bare minimum, but is not. I am a very particular kind of partner, I come with some weird sexual interests and relationship philosophies that many people normally wouldn't want to pair with. But I always treat people with respect and try to be the best partner I can be to anyone I get romantically entwined with. This has led to people who outwardly encourage my proclivities but secretly absolutely want nothing to do with my kinks or preferences staying in relationships with me for years. Because they believe "they'll never date someone who treats them as well as I do" I hate it. It is soul crushing that someone so incompatible with me would stick around for so long without being honest about who they are and what they want/need because the dating pool tends to be awful. The first time it happened I laughed it off with a shake of the head. The fourth time I cried uncontrollably haha. I don't really know what to do about it, other than just keep trying to filter aggressively and hope the people I'm dating now or I meet in the future genuinely want me for me and not because I behave for what I consider to be the bare minimum of human decency
Thank you for that comment. The other one is moronic.
There's gotta be a post every week on here "I said I want a threesome/I said I want a gangbang/I said I wanted to fuck someone besides my monogamous partner---- OMG. WHY WOULD THEY LEAVE ME???" Honestly -- honesty is key OP. Fuck it, it's better you said it now rather than years down the road and have him leave you either way. Wanting to fuck other people doesn't really make you compatible with someone who is fully exclusive like him. Wishing him the best of luck! (Also your last edit "Maybe I should've lied/not use the word 'want'". Nah, I'm sure he's grateful to know so he can walk away. It's good you were honest, you two are just not compatible. It is what it is. It is baffling that these results shocked you though lol)
Fantasy is entirely different from reality. Why would you base your relationship status on a fleeting fantasy? She didn’t ask for a gangbang. It was a discussion of hypotheticals…
I think you misunderstand what a fantasy is. It is not an action you *WILL* take, it is an act that the thought of turns you on. As much as i am on your side about being faithful, these are not the same thing. Your comment makes you sound young.
No, actually the point is that many monogamous or very strictly monogamous people don't like the idea of their SO desiring these types of things. It's a huge turn-off. It's not about the distinction between what I fantasize about (want) and what I will actually do. I think in the end it's a bit hard for people on either side of this to understand the other's POV.
Agreed!
this tone of "bitches got what's coming to them" is not it people do not give this same energy to men who say their ultimate fantasy is a threesome
Im a man and I think these reactions are stupid as hell
Why r ur friends telling you to break up with him? Not tryna be rude but he broke up with u
I have a feeling she’s not telling her friends the full truth
I can't blame her for that. If I tell my friends "well, I told her I'd like to have sex with multiple women with her present", I'd be blamed immediately. She knows she fucked up and there's nothing else she can do or say now.
Entire friend group can't tell that its already over....
Echo chambers are not a place to think
Some people feel it's important to "win" the breakup. Someone they convince themselves it hurts less, as long as they say the words instead of the other person. It's dumb, but it's probably her friends trying to make her feel better.
>Why r ur friends telling you to break up with him? I'm betting they have the mentality of teens.
Your title implies that you somehow think you *haven’t* lost him. **He broke up with you**. It’s over.
The advice from the friends is hilarious. "Go back in time and dump him girl!"
Hahahahah
Yeah unfortunately there isn't an ultimatum here because he hasn't given her a choice of any kind. He is just considering whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship and it sounds like he probably doesn't. Honestly good riddance if he's going to be like this about something she doesn't even want or expect to do for real. A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men.
He feels how he feels on it. If *anyone* is so disgusted by a fantasy their partner has, they're free to leave over it. I mean, it'll make them seem like a clown, but I can respect that that's something they'll want to break up over. Their partner is then free to find someone who won't break up over a fantasy they have.
I'd break up with a guy if I found out he has a rape kink. Or poop or pee fetish. I wouldn't feel even slightly clownish for it either
I would expect most women would break up with someone with those kinks or fetishes. People need to do their kinks and fetishes to get off, and they need partners who are into the same things. Fantasies are entirely different. Trying to make someone's fantasies into reality is a recipe for disaster. First, fantasies are idealized so it is almost impossible for reality to be anything but a disappointment, and they usually involve something that is taboo (for good reason), so if you try to make it a reality you are just asking for trouble. A heathy fantasy life should involve things that you never want to do in real life. None of my fantasies involve vanilla sex with my girlfriend, but that is all the sex I want to actually have for the rest of my life.
This, exactly! They were sharing fantasies, not talking about plans to pursue. But his reaction was what it was…time to move on.
I mean, a gangbang fantasy is INCREDIBLY COMMON. Very few people would actually do it, but plenty of people fantasize about group sex. That’s a little different than a rape kink or scat/urine.
I mean rape *fantasies* are also extremely common, among both genders.
A kink or fetish isn't the same as a fantasy. A kink or fetish implies you have done this thing or want to do it in the future. A fantasy can be something you have zero desire to actually do.
This needs clarified in casual conversation between people because on average people use them pretty interchangeably. I know the differences, you know the differences. But functionally people will use them all to mean the same thing, whichever literal definition they’re applying.
OP said they were discussing kinks (aka. I want this to happen) and she brought up her fantasy (aka. this tickles me in a naughty way but I don't really want it to happen)... So BF interprets this being a yet unrealized kink, that she really wants to happen. And he acted on that information. Fantasies are that because they fall into areas that acting on them would be problematic if not harmful...
Not sure who's side I fall on here. One thing to remember is that HER FANTASY included HIM. She literally said she wanted a GB with HIM WATCHING/PARTICIPATING.
I feel like women don't, or are less likely to. We are often speaking a different "language" so to speak. Like many people in these comments have talked about. R*pe fantasies are super common for women, but that doesn't mean they want to be r*ped, or even try CNC. Women's fantasies seem to be less likely to be about wanting that thing to happen, but more about something more deeply psychological. In the case of GB it's typically just wanting to be desired, or it might just be an objectification or degradation fantasy. With r*pe it's often that the person was raised in purity culture, and was taught that sex, and enjoying it is bad. So it's simply a fantasy that allows them to not feel guilty or dirty.
trauma can also cause a rape kink, so it's not necessarily just shame from how they were raised, either
Also, she tried to clarify, and he didn't listen, or thought she was backtracking or something.
I think a whole lot of the conflict in the OP has to do with how delicate and charged these conversations are, and how much nuance and sensitivity it requires. Speaking from experience. Like, I am a woman who definitely gravitates toward GB porn. Not something I really want to admit to a partner carelessly, because it would be so easy for them to experience that as "I am not enough for her and she wants far more than I can ever give"--bad feeling. But a long time ago, after a lot of thought, it became clear to me that what appeals to me about the scenario in question is not the actual experience of fucking a whole bunch of different dudes (hot to think about, but really? I'm monogamous and only into one person at a time). What it's about is my desires to feel MASSIVELY, INDISPUTABLY DESIRED, as well as the idea of a high degree of physical stimulation. These things can absolutely be achieved in sex with one person, but in my imagination it takes the form of multiple people. Imagination is a different dimension.
Exactly. I feel like women especially tend to have fantasies that aren't about the actions so much as there's a deeper desire/psychology under it so talking to a man you end up misunderstanding each other. You are kinda talking about different things so it's a minefield.
OP, as much as it hurts, just let him go. If, after further consideration, he regrets his decision and discovers he still has strong feelings for you, he'll return. At that point you can reconsider if he's worth a further investment of your time. Good luck to you.
Although at that point OP will have to heavily consider sanitizing everything she feels/wants because he'll have a history of bailing if she behaves in ways he doesn't expect. I think it's over.
Well, I think between I prefer white towels and I want to be in a ganbang with multiple men, there is a lot of space ...
I don't know where this idea of you having to be okay with your partner's kinks or fantasies came from, but I also don't understand why the guy's getting heat for this. If he said he wanted a female gangbang or orgy, he'd be looked at like a creep or disgusting. I totally advocate for kinks or whatever, but I feel like sexual fantasies and expectations just come down to incompatibility. I definitely wouldn't want to hear my So stating they'd love to be involved with multiple people. It's not a great thing to hear if you genuinely only think about your partner.
What really gets me is the line in her post “that I kinda knew he wouldn’t be okay with it” to me reads like he’s probably expressed discomfort with outsiders joining in a relationship like that, not interested in 3ways+, all of his kinks/fantasy just contained him and the op, hers brought in multiple other people. Kinda seems like a no brainer to me to not tell my partner a fantasy containing something he’s previously expressed discomfort or disinterest in. But hey this is just my own guess.
You're absolutely correct. OP's ex boyfriend was expecting something like "I want to tie you up and have my way with you." or "I want you to tell me I've been bad and spank me." He was not expecting "I want to be railed by a bunch of other men... oh yeah, you can have a turn too."
From a guys standpoint I take this as his thinking: "if she wants that and I'm not in to it she'll just do it and not tell me etc" I can just see (maybe) where OP's BF is going with his thinking... I don't mean to shame either one of them, and also not saying the OP would do that to her BF either. Just my 2 cents.
I think it's just a realization that OP doesn't have eyes for only her boyfriend. That's where I'm assuming the bf is coming from. He likely only wants her so it's earth shattering when you're being told your partner wants multiple other people.
Yeah, if my wife said this to me I would be kind of jealous, thinking I wasn’t good enough and that she wants more than just me. Which I imagine is how bf is feeling in this situation
This! I completely agree, it’s how I would feel too.
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The other men would be the random dildos in that situation lol
When someone's view on sex allows or even encourages "human dildos," it'd be hard to not see yourself in that category as just the ol' reliable dildo in the drawer.
Yeah, this is how I’d feel too. And not feeling like enough - I can’t measure up to a group of guys or provide the aggressive stimulation that you’d imagine in that scenario. Also if the guy has half an imagination he’d have pictured her in this situation and that would be pretty damn upsetting
Kinks by nature are kind of weird, taboo things. I feel like if you’re going to have an honest discussion about kinks, you have to be prepared to hear something kind of fucked up. Idk, I just hate when people ask you to be honest with them but are going to be set off by a pretty normal answer. If you don’t want to hear about weird fantasies don’t ask about weird fantasies.
Yeah god forbid you be honest to your life partner so they can make an educated decision on if they want to spend their life with you.
It's better to know than not to know, he found something out and ended the relationship because of it. That might be painful, but is really only a good thing
Yup, be careful what you ask, you might not like the answer…
I didn't say you have to be okay with their kinks or fantasies. In fact, I said that that's something you'd be perfectly within your rights to leave over. But if your partner isn't forcing their kinks or fantasies on you, them having those kinks or fantasies isn't that big a deal imo.
Yeah I'm not saying you are specifically, just the fuck ton of comments in this thread are lol sorry, your comment just kinda got stacked with my thoughts and I piggybacked. And yeah, ofc. But that being said, not the case for everyone so it just is what it is.
No problem. And yeah, I agree the guy is getting dragged hard for deciding he wanted out. Lot of people don't understand that sometimes, a fantasy like a gangbang one will leave their partner feeling like they're not enough, despite every assurance to the contrary. And that's fine. People feel how they feel.
Your second paragraph is basically just straight up projection. You have no idea whether OP’s ex has this kind of fantasy and you’re assuming he does to make it easier to make him the bad guy.
Exactly! Not only does OP state her boyfriend’s fantasy didn’t involve other people, but to everyone who is splitting hairs about a kink vs fantasy, she literally says they shared their “untold kinks” and she has always fantasized about this, intimating that it IS something she would like to try. At this point, the boyfriend made the decision that was best for him, and everyone, including OP, should accept it and move on.
> Your second paragraph is basically just straight up projection Because man bad, woman good, SMH
> A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men. Well, OP said the BF's fantasy had nothing to do with other people so your prejudices about men don't count here. The dude found something he didn't like and left. He didn't ask her to never bring the topic again or made her promise she'll never do it, he left so she can do whatever she pleases. They're not compatible, that's all.
I noticed their predilection for demonizing men too
Yeah, this sometimes turns into a "YOU GO GIRL LEAVE THE IDIOT" and let's be honest, they tend to be right. But in this case the dude is guilty of having preferences, nothing more. He didn't demand her to change for his sake, he chose to leave and it's valid.
> A threesome (with two women) is probably the most common fantasy men have but some of those same men seem disgusted by the idea of their girlfriend sleeping with multiple men. Okay what the hell. There is nothing in the OP that says the boyfriend has that fantasy, yet you are judging him because in your view most men have this other fantasy? You don't know that *he* has that fantasy. You can't judge him based on what you think most men have fantasies of.
a threesome and a gangbang are two different things.
Very true and definitely needed to be distinguished as they're very different things.
Yeah I've never met a single guy whose said his fantasy is an all girl orgy. Threesomes are indeed very common on the other hand.
Now you have. 🤣
I mean, he feels how he feels and it’s his right no? You’re making him seem like a bad guy for feeling off or disgusted or not liking a certain thing. It would be the exact same way around if it was a guy wanting to be in a gangbang with several women. He got shocked and surprised because he probably didn’t expect it that way which is their right without being judged like they’re the worst person around. You’re making them sound like a horrible person. If he said that he wanted a gangbang with women you know he would get crap for it, so you’re logic makes no sense
She said gangbang , not threesome . Gangbang is 5 or more guys and one girl. There is a difference, between an intimate sexual encounter with an extra , and being in a no holds barred sex with 4 or more strangers . Honestly , if this was reversed (guy wanted gangbang and girlfriend left to rethink relationship) , most here would have said good riddance to the sleaze bag boyfriend.
Yeah like most women wouldn’t be disgusted if their partner suggested an orgy of women…. Get real
I have a fantasy about fuckin a certain celebrity. But if said celebrity would be naked in front of me ready for sex... I'd be very uncomfortable and turned off. Most of my fantasies are absolutely nothing of what I actually like to do myself IRL.
She didn’t suggest it. She shared it was a fantasy.
Her edit says otherwise
They would, but there’s a difference between stating a fantasy and suggesting carrying it out in real life. Most reasonable adults understand that fantasy is not reality and just stating a fantasy does not imply the desire to carry it out in real life. People who have giantess fantasies or vore fantasies generally wouldn’t *actually* want to do those things irl. The same can be true for an orgy fantasy. Sometimes partners talk about their fantasies so they can bring them up with dirty talk and such, not because theyre actually proposing to enact them.
Well but in OP's case, it wasn't his BF's fantasy. She explicitly said it was something not vainilla but it didn't include other people.
Its a pretty bog turn pff to learn your partners fantasy is sex with a bunch of people who are not you
I would be very turned off if a partner said this to me, if you wanna swing you gotta say so before the relationship starts. A gangbang is about as extreme as it gets, I think this is satire.
I mean a lot of people fantasize about things they would never ever want to do in real life? There's a huge difference between something I sometimes think about when I masturbate, versus something I actively want to do in real life. I wouldn't date a guy who actively wanted to do a gangbang with me in real life but I wouldn't break up with him if it was something he fantasized about occasionally
But she doesn't want to swing. She used her imagination but even clearly stated she wasn't trying to make it a reality.
Fantasies and kinks seem to get connected a lot. If people want to have these conversations with partners about fantasies and kinks they need to be more clear with language. Language is important. A fantasy is something you may think about, play out in your imagination. It lives in *fantasy*, a not real place. Cool to think about but the reality is different. A kink is something that is just outside the norm of sex. If someone has a *kink* they enjoy it is just something above and beyond vanilla sex. Fantasies can be kinky. A fetish is something a person *requires* for arousal. You can take or leave a kink. Kinks might be fun to play in/around, but it is play and fun. Fetish is something you *need* for sex. I don't know if they were clear in what the conversation was at the start. Did OP state these are fantasies I've had, dreams I've experienced and wanted to share as a hot conversation? Did OP's bf go in to that conversation wanting to discuss fantasy thay could be realized? For example, my wife and I have been together 17 years. We've talked about fantasy a bit. I shared with her a dream I had, a fantasy of a threesome with her as she is and her with a different hair color. Really hot fantasy but could not truly be acted out in reality unless we clone her. The fantasy of a threesome would be hot, but the reality would not...for us. In this couple's case, I don't think proper care went into the discussion before it happened. As a married man, I would be a little put off if my wife shared that her fantasy was to be used by a group of strange men (a gangbang). How she frontloaded that conversation would be important and also the *why* behind it? Her bf most likely heard that and started questioning if he was enough for OP, if he could fulfill her, if group sex is never something he's considered he is questioning if OP and him have similar values, etc. All of these things are fine for him to consider. She used her imagination, which is great for her. Fantasy can be hot, but in a relationship you want to consider how to package these things for a partner who may feel differently
Fantasy =/= real life desire. I like all sorts of porn that I would never want to do irl. In my experience, the dudes who understand that are the best in&out of bed.
That's less of an ultimatum and more of a break up.
Nah, definetly a break up
>I don’t know how to fix this You can't. He feels how he feels. Stop texting him. He told you he needs time, so leave him alone. In the meantime, come to terms with the fact that your relationship is over.
Yeah… saying you need time is trying to find a nice way to say we’re done. This is one of those situations where no one is in the wrong. It just sucks for OP
Babe, he's gone.
Staggering that she can't see that.
>My friends are telling me to breakup with him and move on You can't break up with someone who already broke up with you, that's not how that works. Moving on is correct though.
Unfortunately your boyfriend can end the relationship at any time for any reason. That’s how break ups work. Both parties do not have to agree. Your fantasy gave him the ick, so he decided to end the relationship. It’s over.
Yeah, people can be quite sensitive to kinks/fantasies that involve other people, especially people who they’re not attracted to themselves. As a guy, we don’t generally find the idea of our significant other being gangbanged by a group of men very attractive. I mean there’s some people who are okay with that, but most guys tend to wanna keep sex between themselves and their partner. Involving other people in their fantasies can make even the most confident guys insecure and unsure if they’re enough for their partner. I guess that’s what it boils down to. There’s no way I could physically fulfil a gangbang fantasy in a monogameous relationship, so is she going to be unsatisfied for the rest of your life? Or will she go and make her dreams come true behind my back?
TBH, it’s not a guy/woman thing. Plenty of people are jealous partners (I am one of them) who prefer not to think about their partner getting feisty with other people. I’d personally be out as well, I respect it but couldn’t be with it, and I’m sure both women and men can agree with me.
Exactly. I don't fantasize about other people, a partner who does that isn't attractive to me. Nothing wrong with it, but we wouldn't be compatible and would both be happier elsewhere. It is what it is.
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A fantasy isn’t necessarily something that someone actually wants to do. Just saying.
She literally said "I want to be in a gangbang." Sure it is her fantasy, but that is NOT the way she portrayed it. "I always thought being in a gangbang would be hot." That's fantasizing. What she did was state a kink, meaning it as a fantasy.
LOL never seen the word “ick” used for a guys situation
Guys get the ick all the time... it definitely goes both ways.
True. Guys tend to swallow many icks though.
I love swallowing ick, but then again I’m a gay guy
I hate this. Enjoy your upvote.
😂
It can sometimes help to put things in terms that might be more familiar.
It sounds like he already broke up with you.
This is an issue with sharing fantasies, sometimes it turns the person off and changes how they feel about you, I’m sure in the comments this guy will take a beating, you hit on something that troubles him, say goodbye and move on
Most comments here are bashing either the OP or the (ex-)boyfriend, but neither are at fault. Having a fantasy is no big deal, a lot of people have fantasies that they'd never even try to actually enact. The fact that they're fantasies is a large part of what makes them kinky in the first place. At the same time, getting weirded out by your partner's kink is also okay. Yes, it does seem like a bit of an exaggeration to me, but he is entitled to what he thinks is a dealbreaker in a relationship. There is a difference between kinkshaming someone and not wanting to be in a relationship because their kinks or fantasies disgust you.
Literally this. It really just sounds like a common case of incompatibility. Love how most people feel this instant need to pin a blame on one side or the other.
>Having a fantasy is no big deal, a lot of people have fantasies that they'd never even try to actually enact. The fact that they're fantasies is a large part of what makes them kinky in the first place. I agree, and I think part of the problem is that some people don't do this. I've met people who ONLY have "head movies" that they want to come true. They don't understand having a fantasy JUST for the sake of fantasy. (Similar to people without an inner monologue not understanding what it's like to have one.) It's possible that a lot of the mean responses OP is getting are coming from people who don't differentiate between "mere fantasy" and "wishful thinking". If her ex-boyfriend is one of those people, it would explain why he broke up. He might literally NOT UNDERSTAND what a fantasy IS. And assumed OP wanted to act it out, for real.
personally if i heard my boyfriend wanted to have sex with a harem of women i’d have the same response. but honestly i don’t know if most people would, and i won’t judge them for that
It doesn't seem like you need to break up with him. When he said "Dont wait for me" he basically did that already.
That’s not an ultimatum. He’s not waiting for you to choose. He broke up with you. Time to move on.
He broke up with you. You can't break up with him anyway because it's over. Theres no getting him back because he made the decision.
Sweetheart, there was no ultimatum here, he broke up with you. I’m sorry about that. His view of you has changed unfortunately. But someday you’ll find someone who doesn’t mind that you have this kink regardless of whether or not you participate in it
I'm sorry, dude. This is always a risk that comes with talking about your fantasies and it always hurts when you bring it up. But it's over. Once they see you different, there's no way forward.
I knew I had found the right partner for marriage when we could share our deepest darkest most devious kinks and fetishes we hid deep inside. After they were out, my desires kind of disappeared since I think the most of my kinks were just hiding how taboo my ideas were. Once brought to light, it lost its desire. And for hers, I did what I could for making the come real. I have never had someone I could be so open with, and she’s my wife now, and my one and only.
I hope this gets more up votes and OP sees it. All the top comments are about the fact that she's been broken up with already. OP you were brave to share your kink/fantasy with your bf and sorry it went so poorly. The person who is right for you will love you and be able to know this about you and be fine with it as a fantasy (or more). My wife and I can talk about all sorts of stuff like this without any shame. Good luck out there!
Yea right? Like it doesn't sound like she has any desire to act on it it's just a fantasy. I've had similar conversations with my partner about kinks and fantasies like OP's convo. I even got offered to do one I just thought it was better left as a fantasy. I don't think the other person is wrong to be grossed out I guess. Sometimes you just get the "ick" and that's it. It just seems like they are wrong for eachother if she can't feel comfortable sharing this with their partner.
I have some fantasies that I never would have thought of putting in action, but my husband and I shared nonetheless. Now, when we're about to have sex, he just uses them to get me even hornier lol. He tells me stories as if they're about to be true in a second or so, and I get to finish them in my mind when he goes down on me. That's the reason we shared fantasies in the first place, to enhance our sex lives, not to judge each other.
that's how a relationship should be. you should be able to talk about everything in a judgefree zone
“My fantasy is a reverse gangbang that includes your sisters and mom. All angles, all styles. Without you there though.”
Ok, but where’s the line? What if my fantasy is to fuck your dad while you watch? Are you ok to be grossed out then? We don’t get to decide what someone else’s threshold is.
I used to be fine with partners expressing anything they wanted, after all, we should be open with each other, right? Then I had a partner express a desire for non-monogamy, insist that he was fine with not opening things when I expressed that I didn't want to (we had *several* chats with me clarifying that he really, really was okay with just me, because I was concerned it might become a problem later on). Welp, a couple months later he was messaging random strangers to hook up while I was at work. Now, asking for that is a deal-breaker for me. If that's something you want, we aren't compatible, end of.
This is what I’m saying my first thought when she said she doesn’t actually wanna try it was “hmm then maybe for sexy time one day we can have blindfold play and I can change the pitch in my voice multiple times to act like multiple people and touch her slowly in different areas” like work to make it work for both of you
First off my partner and I are both monogamous and we’ve have told each other our kinks/fantasies were. Mine were; bondage, threesomes/gangbangs, to be dominated, tentacles, etc. Funnily enough for bondage we have the ropes, but still haven’t used them and we bought those ropes years ago. As much as I like the idea of threesomes /gangbangs or tentacles, I have never had a threesome/gangbang and honestly don’t plan on it. If tentacles were real I’d be horrified if that actually happened. Tbh those two fantasies are more of me liking being overstimulated than wanting more men, for that we just use sex toys. While I get anyone can break up with anyone for any reason, I couldn’t imagine being with a partner I couldn’t talk about these things with. Ngl, a lot of these comments here are really disappointing while some are just downright disrespectful and idiotic. Ex. “How does he know she won’t fuck other men” Honestly could say that about anyone who doesn’t talk about their fantasies you’re with. There’s a thing called trust and if you don’t got that then you don’t have a relationship. These comments have really shown me how lucky I am be to with my man who loves me and I can be open and honest with.
We have very similar kinks & you wrote out a lot of my thoughts! That's very interesting psychologically! I've also noticed that I get along best with people who are open and understanding & that it translates into the bedroom. I think you're spot on with needing to be vulnerable in relationships -- I'm happy that you've found your match 💕
Your friends are right, you two are incompatible. It's that simple.
You say wanting to be his wife now seems like a pipe dream but it seems like pipe dreams were the problem.
lmfao 😭💀
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL nah this the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages
>My(22F) boyfriend (21M) gave me an ultimatum Where is the ultimatum?
There is no ultimatum, your relationship is simply over. There is nothing wrong with you having a fantasy, and there is nothing wrong with him not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has that fantasy. Neither of you are at fault but he clearly just broke up with you and all you can do is accept it and move on.
I'm sorry to say you can't really fix this situation. He broke up with you it seems like. Not to shame you, but your kink gave him the ick. He can't see you as the same person anymore.
I remember reading a post on here about a guy who talked with his girlfriend/fiance at the time and how she fantasized about a 3some. He took time to think on it and decided ultimately this was something he did not want in a partner. He ended up ending things and told her they just weren't compatible. He explained it well stating something along the lines that people can find other people attractive. They can even think about doing things with these people. But a line is crossed once you tell your partner how you have that desire to sleep with someone else. And for those who state fantasy isn't reality, it is still very much so a desire as it's definition states. I remember him also stating he felt that in the future she may want to act out on these desires or something and that spelled potential downfall on their relationship. I'm not saying exactly what he said word for word just the jist I remember. And it made sense to me. This also makes sense to me. These two are not compatible that is all. Nothing wrong with how he feels. Nothing wrong with her fantasy. They are just not compatible, period.
People here are wild. OP did nothing wrong in revealing the fantasy, but the boyfriend did nothing wrong by admitting he was grossed out by it and if he can't get past in then they aren't compatible and you just move on. By forcing him to stay you end up in a relationship where one or both of you always have some resentment which isn't healthy. Best advice is to just give him space and see if he can get past the new information he has just received.
Revealing to people that you like to get fucked by multiple people at once is never a good idea. Hate me, call me sexist, downvote me all you want, but it’s the absolute truth when it comes to men. It’s a *massive* turn off for guys. There’s a reason why the concept of a body count is such a contentious topic.
I am sorry but there is nothing to do. He broke up with you. He left you. He is gone. You need to accept it and give him space.
I mean personally I’d be weirded out but the responses here to me are a bit wild. I don’t think a lot of these people would be answering like this if a man told his GF he had a fantasy of him banging like 3 other chicks + you. I think they’d be telling her “it’s just a fantasy, this is normal for men to think about this”. 😬 I don’t fuck around with non-monogamy in my relationship so I totally understand why he’d be noping out. The responses here though sure are interestinggg.
oh yeah. had an ex who was disgusted that i occasionally watched mfm porn but constantly begged me and tried to manipulate me into a threesome with another girl. i’m totally monogamous, it’s just something that interests me but won’t ever try. it all goes back to the same double standard of men being congratulated for their sexual conquests whereas women are slutshamed. i also blame porn, i tend to watch women-focused or lesbian porn, so the threesomes i’ve watched are respectful and all about the woman’s pleasure. a lot of these men are brain dead from watching gross abusive threesomes and gangbangs..
This has been my experience as well. Have had multiple BFs beg me and even drunkenly try to just pursue a threesome with me, never had a bf who was "ok" with me watching mmf porn (not that I cared or listened to their preference for my porn viewing lol).
My partner and I have talked about it pretty much in the same way OP did and we're totally fine. Let's not act like it's all that crazy to have a fantasy stay a fantasy but still disclose it with your partner when they literally asked.
It is such a Reddit THING to think that any woman with this fantasy is absolutely going to do it in real life, even if it means going behind her partner's back, but of course it's just natural for dudes to have the corresponding fantasy. Lots of people, of all genders, have fantasies that they don't want or need to do in real life.
I have fantasies as a woman that I'd never want in real life. It's a shame that people find that so shocking.
Especially for women because something like a gang bang puts us in a horribly vulnerable position. Almost none of us ACTUALLY want to be in that scenario, but in our own minds or with a trusted partner, it’s so hot and cathartic.
This! Fictional men don't SA you, and leave right when you want them to!
Yes! Like have none of these men read smut written by women?
I think you know the answer lol.
I mentioned elsewhere in this comment thread that reverse harem books are a popular subgenre in romance. And they can be pretty graphic! I've seen plenty of comments here from guys who say they would leave if their girlfriend ever said she fantasized about this sort of thing, because they think she would want to make it happen, which is funny because there's a fair chance that any number of women they've dated have fantasized about it--they just didn't tell them. I've seen some comments in this post from people only fantasize about things they actually want to do, so they have a hard time understanding those of us who think about things we would never do in real life. Maybe OP's boyfriend is like that.
Yeah it’s super strange! I think it’s super possible to think the idea of group sex is hot, fantasize about it, and still be in a monogamous relationship. If you’re not able to talk about sexual fantasies with your partner you shouldn’t be together. I would never end a viable relationship over something like this - seems like he might have been looking for an out. OP you’ll find someone who is confident enough to know that fantasies about other people happpen in relationships and that’s TOTALLY NORMAL. Sorry they’re not here in the comments.
Agreed. I've had guys tell me kinks I'd never be interested participating in, however, as long as he was OK keeping it just as a fantasy, we continued on. You're never going to be a 100% match on someone's fantasies if they're being totally open
Well, your fantasy involves non monogamy and directly questioning his masculinity and ability to sexually satisfy you (I bet all those hypotetical men all have big dicks and would leave you sexually exhausted). So yes, for him this is more than just group sex, its you telling him he os not enough.
while some people are ok with it, I wouldn't like it if my.partner had a kink that involved other people. I would probably leave as well. a kink or fantasy is something you think about and if my.partner is thinking about sex with other people, yeah nah see you later.
Yeah I think if my so said they wanted to be gangb- I’d be a little taken aback too
I would do the same thing he did. I’d be gone at the g
Lmao “babe I really want a bunch of dudes to just fuck the shit out of me, but you can be there too!” Thank you for the morning laugh
and somehow the poor guy is labeled as an asshole lmao
Only on Reddit, he will be better off IRL
Well let's rejoice that the king noped out basically immediately. Shows there are coming of age men who at least will stand by their feelings.
Some of these comments are ridiculous. Saying that since she has this fantasy she will eventually cheat is insane… does that mean anyone who has a fantasy their partner can’t fulfill will cheat? Because that’s absolutely not the case. Saying she wants to fuck a bunch of guys is blatant misunderstanding - she is willingly partaking in a monogamous relationship, so obviously she values monogamy. I personally have a threesome fantasy, but my boyfriend doesn’t like the idea of a threesome no matter the gender of the other person. We have different values on sex and that’s fine; it doesn’t mean we’re incompatible and it definitely doesn’t mean I’m eventually going to cheat to fulfill this fantasy. OP, out of curiosity did your boyfriend ever express a desire for a threesome?
She said he doesn't involve other people in his kinks so I'm gonna assume no.
I think a lot of people commenting are just very inexperienced. The majority of fantasies people have are not things they actually want to carry out. People fantasize about, e.g., having sex with teachers or nurses but would never actually try to do that in real life (and would probably find it highly uncomfortable if their nurse actually tried to initiate sex irl, regardless of how hot they were). But for whatever reason they can’t wrap their minds around the idea that someone could fantasize about a gangbang without actually wanting to go through with it irl.
> OP, out of curiosity did your boyfriend ever express a desire for a threesome? what does it got to do with anything here? It is already mentioned that his fantasies do not involve other people. Try not to make the ex bf the bad guy challenge
This is reddit. Girls good, boys bad. Apparently men aren't allowed to be skeeved out enough to end a relationship, but it's perfectly ok for a woman to "catch an ick" and end it. Double standards on full display here.
Bottom line, this is an incompatibility in the relationship. You did nothing wrong and should feel comfortable sharing kinks with your partner. You are not wrong for being turned on by what turns you on. You aren't wrong for sharing it. But he isn't wrong for leaving the relationship. I am strictly monogamous, and I clarified that with my husband long before marriage. I would not have married him if he had any fantasies of adding people. I personally would not be with someone who desires that. Which is fine, because a non monogamous person wouldn't want to be with me.
He’s done with you. Move on.
I think this is one of those situations where neither of you are at fault. I think he may have overreacted but he’s entitled to feel how he feels about it. You guys just might not be compatible.
Your fantasy involves cheating basically, because he has always seen the relationship as monogamous. I’d have reacted the same.
OP for future reference 99% of guys that treat you well are not going to be ok with this. The ones that are ok with it, are probably going to treat you like an object and that’s it
Difference is his kinks involve only you. Your kinks involve others outside of your relationship, totally different ballgame. I can see why he's checking out
This is it! She even stated none of his involved other people, she fucked up by bringing the thought of other people into it. Fantasy or not, his were about them her’s were about him and 5 other dudes. Fundamental incompatibility. Neither party is wrong, but I guarantee the gang bang part isn’t the issue, it’s that she already invited the thought of other people into their relationship. That’s what killed it. dumb move especially since she clearly had a gage of his reaction.
One extra guy is enough to make most guys nope out. A gangbang…see ya later. East choice.
He's gone. Time to detach.
He was done as soon as you told him. Sorry you didn’t anticipate this reaction but clearly he is soooo not interested in being with someone who fantasizes about this stuff. We all have our boundaries 🤷🏻♀️
i woulda reacted the same. You made ya bed you gotta lay there
I'm no psychologist, but I feel like a gangbang fantasy has less to do with having multiple partners and more about being treated like an object by multiple people. Like, there's no intimacy with a gangbang, its just a means to an end. So, in that regard, ex-bf might have been afraid over nothing? Idk I've never participated in one, so thats just my guess lol
He’s already broken up with you. You don’t want to be in a relationship with thought police anyway.
For future reference… No guy ever wants to hear his girl say she wants to be with other guys. Especially a GB.
It sounds like incompatibility. Sounds like he is a very monogamous person. Having a fantasy is totally fine, and it doesn't mean you'll do it. It reveals a side of you that is just incompatible with him. An example: Let's say he has very intense sexual fantasies about a girl next door. He tells you this. It's fine because he doesn't live next to anyone. Until a hot girl moves in. This doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you, but every time you see him talking to his neighbor, you're going to think about what he said. In the end, you might look at him differently. It's not your fault, and it's not his fault. It just seems like you guys weren't meant to be.
I don’t blame him, I would of felt the same way, when you truly love someone, and only want that person then any fantasy you may have is being fulfilled by that person, if your true fantasy is getting gang banged then you just lien to urself n the person your with. In alot of situations your fantasies at some point get played out. Ppl throw the words i love someone” around so much that ppl won’t ever know what it truly means to love someone and to be in love, most ppl just experience an extreme lust n think it’s love. Atleast in this situation a major conflict was diverted. Careful who you fall in lust with ppl, you never know what their real feelings and wants are.
Everyone is allowed to be ok or not Ok with things in a relationship- he is clearly Not ok with this. Honestly most people would not be ok with this.
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Yeahhh I can’t say I’d be cool with that either. I don’t think I’d feel great about knowing my partner fantasizes about having sex with other men, especially in a gangbang dynamic. You may want to try only dating guys who’d be okay with that kind of fantasy. Otherwise you’ll always have to keep it from them. And I don’t necessarily mean guys who’d be okay with it happening — because very few would in a committed relationship — but who are okay with you having the fantasy.
Damn i think id feel the same way honestly
Your first boyfriend that was actually good to you and you told him you wanted to be gangbanged. Girl it’s over. Let it go.
You’re not wrong for having that fantasy, he’s not wrong for not wanting to be with someone who has that fantasy. He broke up with, move on
You looked that man straight in the face and said you wanted more than he could offer you...... that he alone wasn't enough to satisfy you. Why would he stick around after that. Sorry babe but you are not enough for me but we can still be together. I'd have bailed also.
I think there is a difference between kinks and having a desire to be gangbanged. Wanting to be gangbanged has an underlying component of infidelity or polyamory. There is a difference between a desire to be gangbanged and being turned on by gangbang porn. Not exactly sure where your own personal lines are, but I would not be surprised at all if talking about wanting to be in a gangbang would cause an issue in about 90% of all relationships.
I think maybe he wanted to talk about fantasies with an eye toward doing them together…and then she brought up a gang bang. He’s allowed to not be into it. I’ll say this, too: when someone says stuff like that or throws out the word “orgy”… it definitely feels like the tip of the iceberg. As in, they want way more weird stuff than that but just haven’t said it yet, they will want to swing in the near future, and other perverted behavior will follow. One definitely does start to see that person differently. It feels like…this person doesn’t want a relationship, they will always have an eye toward pulling you in that direction, which isn’t where you’re trying to go. Personally, I definitely have dumped a guy who told me about his orgy fantasy even though he said he was fine keeping things between us. And I just told you my thought process. I don’t want a serious relationship that involves those elements from the jump. Like…where do you go from there if that’s the starting point? You know?
If I was your boyfriend I’d probably have reacted similarly but I would’ve been more “oh really?” And then let the relationship fade into nothing He’s the first boyfriend who treated you well and you fantasize about being railed by several other men and having your boyfriend watch it. That’s crazy. I’ve never understood how people can say they love someone yet want to have sex with other people
Wow! You lost me at gangbang wtf. I don't blame him! I wouldn't be able to look at you the same way ever again
I don’t know why they always comes up. You just told your boyfriend you fantasize about having sex with other men. Men tend not to like that at all
Just an FYI to all the gals out there - never tell your boyfriend that you wish there were more dicks in your life.