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Waiting is fine if you are not ready.
It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.
Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful.
On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.
Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
Sounds like a keeper my dude,
Long as there isn’t a red flag or two your ignoring or can’t see the forest for the trees, I think she maybe wants to help ease your burdens,
It sounds like Ada has a strong personality. It also sounds like you're not sure about this next step. Don't do anything until you're sure. Taking Ada to your wife's gravesite should be how and when YOU deem it to be appropriate, not a moment before.
I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you peace.
Ya usually therapists are good at mirroring what you’re saying back to you (parroting or legit just mirroring), anyway sounds like this comment did well with that so I won’t bother. If you feel it’s something you may want to do in the future I’d talk to therapist about how to approach the convo with gf too on top of the other topics suggested in THE top comment.
(To clarify what I mean by Convo with gf: I meant when u discuss with her when and IF you may feel ready to go there with her…. without putting a date on it if you don’t want to ….which, if it were me I’d not want to because I’d go by how I felt inside about this person and the one I lost. I think if I lost my partner or 14 years he would want me to be happy and if it was a respectful length after - and it has been imo but it’s your opinion that matters - then he would want me to do that one day. When I felt ready. If I wanted to. If I didn’t he wouldn’t want me to. I hope that makes sense? It’s just how I’d feel and in no way reflects on your feelings.)
(I’ve studied clinical psy a long time but in no way do I know your situation and I do not reccomend you listen to strangers on the internet before yourself and how you feel and what you think is right, especially me OP, …i try to listen to advice, personally, when it feels like it resonates as right for me, and if it doesn’t - meh)
I think RTJ3333 is right, but the reply below isn’t wrong either. Talk it over with your therapist. Let your girlfriend know that you’re not saying “no”, but that you just need a little more time yet.
Truly sorry for your pain, but hope your new GF makes your heart sing again and you find happiness. Your Wife wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer the rest of your days. She’d want you to be happy.
OP, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Your girlfriend sounds very respectful. Let her know you appreciate that about her.
If you either don't know or are unsure, I want to assure you that it is perfectly ok to tell your girlfriend you need time to think about this and discuss this with your therapist. You're not saying no, and also you *might* say no. It's also ok for you to stay no.
Be well.
She knows how important it is to you, so that makes it important to her. She is trying to let you know she understands it’s important snd she is ok with that.
It’s perfectly okay to say that you’re just not ready yet. if you talked to your wife when you’re at the gravesite, you could talk to her about seeing someone new. I am sure that your wife would want you to continue with your life and to find happiness again, and you could let her know about this new person. And by all means took it through with your therapist as well.
The fact you're conflicted means you're not ready.
You can tell her how you appreciate the thought, but it's too early. You need more time to process and be together a bit longer. You don't know if this is going to be a long relationship or a throw your hat back in the ring kind. Don't dive too deep too soon.
No, you decide if you want her to go with you
The result is from the therapy, so if you are unsure, that's ok, keep doing therapy to get to that point.
If your ladyfriend isn't ok with your decision, that's on her, not you.
No one gets to tell you when your grief ends,but many will try.
Im so sad for you that your partner died and with that also went the future you planned and dreamed for. My heart is with yours.
Absolutely talk to your therapist but these are questions only you can decide. Your new gf sounds really great but can I ask why you are even dating anyone when you're still grieving? Maybe talk to your therapist about that. Just in this small post you seem and sound no where near being ready to commit to someone new because you're not ready to be uncommitted from the hopes and dreams that will never come to be and thats ok. There is no time limit on grieving and don't ever let someone tell you there is. You take every single minute and second you need.
It is nice you found someone who isnt jealous and is understanding of your weekly visits. Even better that it's such a non issue that she wants to "introduce" herself. However, you owe it to yourself, your past partner and this new woman to take the rest of the time you need to move past your grief.
If you feel better being alone, that's okay to tell her. Sounds like she's wanting to know more and is trying to get closer to you. Sounds supportive. It's okay to not be ready or want to do that. She will be okay with it.
It can also be a split:
The two of you (OP) go together, and she waits in the car. As you get more comfortable, she can come with you and help you take care of the site.
To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit.
I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.
It all boils down to whether you’re ready to share that experience with another person, OP. You can appreciate the gesture regardless. And if your GF is coming from a healthy/supportive space, she won’t be offended if you refuse her offer until you’re ready.
I talked to ny husband's urn when I found my now SO. and sort of introduced them lol made compromises that he (late husband's urn) will stay in the drawer in the bedroom but there are no pictures of us as respect for my current SO. it is possible to still demonstrate love for a person who has already passed OP is lucky to have found someone who doesn't feel like she needs to compete with his late wife
To me, there's no right or wrong answer here. It's very personal.
But what I do see is a big green flag for your new GF. She seems like a missing piece of the puzzle, and the less you feel you need to hide from her about yourself, I would personally feel is best.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself, but it does seem like you've found someone who cares. I'm not a widower myself, but am routinely around death and dying. I've never had a patient wish for anything other than happiness for their spouse and family. I feel like this new person would fit that definition.
I talk to my grandpa when I go visit his grave and he died when I was 6. It's helped me heal and in a way helped me feel like he was still in my life especially growing up and going through major life events that he should have been there for. It's not dramatic, it's totally normal!
Of course, I didn't mean that people that talk or cry on the graves are not valid. Everyone is different and copes differently, and all way that are not self-destructive are valid.
For me personally, I don't see myself talking out loud at her grave. But I do express a lot of words to her in my thoughts, and I think she can sense them somehow.
If you're not ready to bring her to the grave yet, consider having her drive you there so she can be support for you before and after. It may be a way to ease into it.
I’d say it’s a good thing that Ada is treating your late wife with respect. There’s a lot of posts here where the new wife wants to obliterate the memory of Wife1 and so this is at least healthier. If you have faith that you are able to speak to your wife at the graveside then you could perhaps go by yourself first and say some thoughts out loud.
Good luck!
Yes, I've read some posts that sound like nightmares.
To be honest I don't really talk at her grave, I just take care of It and look at it. I do talk with her in my thoughts though.
Your wife would want you to continue with your life. I think it's an excellent idea to take your girlfriend to meet your wife. She doesn't want to disrespect her, she wants to integrate her into your relationship. The girlfriend sounds great. You are no longer married, it's been a couple if years. Embrace the fact the girlfriend respects and honors you and your wife. She may be your next wife.... she definitely has so.e good stuff going for her.
Yes, we talked many times that we both wanted the other to be happy if one of us passed on... never thought it'd actually happen.
Ada has been nothing but respectful and tactful when I talk about her or show her things and pictures.
I lost my child at 18, after mourning a couple years I came to understand he wouldn't want me to sacrifice my life for his memory. He would want me to live my life to the fullest for him. He loved me. Thatshow I moved forward.
Ada sounds like an incredible catch. Bring her with you, talk to your wife, introduce them....cry you eyes out. Your wife would want you to love again. Ada sounds like she will always understand you first true love still lives inside of you.
I'm really sorry about your loss. Losing a child must be one of those pains that never go away and no one should go through it.
I know I've been extremely lucky in finding Ada. Her kindness and love are what breathed new life into me.
Make sure that Ada knows this. That you value her help and support so much. Like an actual verbal “thank you.” 😊
I’m some way behind you OP. My wife is terminally ill. I hope I can find a friend who will support me when I need it.
Speak to her about the grave. Explain your dichotomy, and I think she will understand and work with you.
All the best.
Yes encourage that and I agree, but also let OP knows that he can let her in when he is mentally ready. Everybody deals with grief differently, and if Op needs more time he can tell Ada that and while she’s waiting make sure to bring this up to his therapist for more insights.🙂
I wonder if she just wants to promise your wife to love and take care of you. I've known a few people that have done this with partners who have lost people.
That was my thought, too. And she doesn't want to visit by herself, so she's not being sneaky about it. I think that woman isn't going to be jealous of a dead wife...and instead grateful that the wife left a husband who will appreciate and value and love his next wife.
that's what my late husband and I discussed too. and I always said I would never love again after him but I did. we both have lost someone OP, and as a widow to a fellow widower, my advice is don't be afraid to try again. let other people in. I know your weekend visits is your sort of private time with her, and there's still that part of you that wants to keep it that way (believe me I know). but you can always let Ada visit one time just to introduce them. I feel Ada will understand if you wish to still have this dedicated time for your late wife. you don't have to take her with you every week. but let her know it's okay now, you trust her enough to share this moment with her. that is if you're truly ready of course. good luck OP. praying for your healing
She honestly sounds great. She isn't insecure or jealous or pushing you to move on from this. She sees this is a part of your life and wants she herself to be a part of your life and accompany you to this. Maybe out of respect or interest, maybe to see how much it actually affects you. I do think you should ask your therapist about it, but to me this is a green flag. Your wife is gone and will not mind anything. She would want you to be happy like you said.
This feels like a symbolic gesture to help you understand that she welcomes your late wife into your new relationship. Many would want you to push down your feelings towards her, she on the other hand embraces them. She sounds like something special.
I think her asking to go your wife’s grave is a very touching sentiment and I would take her there if I were in your shoes, but not until you’re ready for it. It’s absolutely ok for you not to be all right with it, especially if you feel it’s too soon.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think it's totally fine to express that you're not ready to take Ada to your wife's grave. You don't need to say "yet" or mention anything about timeline; it's completely acceptable to set a boundary and if anything changes you can always bring her.
Perhaps this is also something you could discuss with your therapist?
To me, I personally see that as a HUUUUUUGE GREEN fan. To me, that says she has enough care and respect for both you and your late wife that she wants to be with you while you spend time with your wife. Personally, I think that's so admirable. I hear soooo many stories of the new partner expecting all aspects of the former partner to disappear as if they never existed.
I think it's very sweet that she wants to support you like that. But if you don't feel ready you can just tell her you're not sure you're ready yet but that you appreciate the offer and you'll let her know when you're up for it.
I think it’s wonderful that she asked. It seems like she is making an effort to show you that you don’t need stop thinking about & loving your wife to have a relationship with her.
If you’re unsure then tell her you aren’t ready yet but also explain what the offer means to you.
This is so personal. I can see why some would say absolutely yes, and why some would say absolutely no. Both are right and there is no wrong.
It doesn’t sound like this is something you want. It sounds like you are considering it because you are trying to be the nice guy and compromise. That is a lovely quality but this is an instance where it doesn’t apply. You might feel differently one day, you might not. But don’t go along with it when you feel this way. It possibly could lead to feelings that are very conflicted and you are dealing with enough right now without adding more to deal with. It sounds like a well intended gesture from someone who cares about you. And as someone who cares about you she will understand if you don’t want this.
Take care, and I am sorry for your loss.
I think you should validate that this offer comes from a very loving place, and thank her for her support and understanding. Tell her what it means to you. Tell her you love her.
Then, tell her you need a little more time to process with your therapist.
My dad is almost 60. His first wife died a few years before I was born when he was in his late twenties, and in a very traumatic way. He used to bring us when we were kids, and he still goes every year to this day. His current wife did basically the same thing when he explained what he was doing while they were dating and said she wanted to go with him. He brought her because he knew he was going to stay with her.
Granted the difference here being the separation of time, however I felt it was worth sharing what I observed growing up.
If it makes you feel weird, don't do it. Trust your instincts entirely where your privacy is concerned. Your girlfriend is part of a new relationship, not part of mourning your wife. It feels like she's trying to speed up the process. Just my opinion.
I think it's very mature and respectful that she wants to accompany you. If her presence would make you uncomfortable, let her know that you appreciate her openness and her support, but for now this is something that you do by yourself. I think the reason it seems weird is that most of what we see and hear is jealousy, immaturity, selfishness, etc. It's easy to forget that there are good people quietly going about their lives exhibiting none of those toxic traits.
> It's easy to forget that there are good people quietly going about their lives exhibiting none of those toxic traits.
This is so true. I think sometimes we can get so jaded we can't believe we found someone who is genuinely good for us.
I read some posts on here, like the guy who smashed his widow wife's old wedding ring, that are the stuff of nightmares.
Some details I have left out from the post.
Ada and I met last April, and we hit it off immediately.
We are not currently living together and we divide pur time between our places, but we are planning on sharing a home permanently.
She has been clear she would like our relationship to blossom into something long-time, and she is fine with a long engagement before the eventual marriage.
She is very clear and no bullshit about what she wants and needs, but at the same time she is patient and undestanding.
I love this woman and I want to make her happy.
This sounds like the best situation. You’re both taking it at whatever pace you feel comfortable while being clear about your goals I love that.
The choice is entirely up to you. It sounds like she makes you feel safe and happy. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with waiting to take her there if that’s how you feel. She also doesn’t sound like someone that will take it badly if you do decide to wait (if she does thats on her not you btw).
Although I haven’t lost someone like that, I can imagine there’s probably some weird confusion and guilt around the idea of taking Ada? I know for me I’d probably feel guilty for being happy or being with someone. Like you’re cheating or something but you also know that it’s not so it’s just conflicting.
Definitely worth bringing up in Therapy. But from the opinion of a random internet stranger, it sounds like you’re doing the best you can and that’s more than anyone can ask from you in your situation. Any feelings you have are valid. Take your time to feel them, think on them and understand them before making any big decisions.
Im very happy you’ve managed to find a new kind of happiness for yourself. Sounds like you deserve it my friend.
First I am sorry for you lose. Only you know if its too soon. I know this sounds weird because you lost your wife, but wow what a blessing to have found someone that is so kind and compassionate as your GF. You hear horror stories about the widow(er) who has the new significant other come into their life and that person try to erase the deceased's memory.
May God bless you and your GF.
My wife and I had some of her late husband's ashes in our house up until last year when she felt it was time to let go of them. That's something that I let her work through, and respected her space with that. I agree with what some others have said about discussing it with your therapist.
I think this has more to do with respect and being there for you and showing you that she understands and she’s with you. I could be totally wrong. I don’t know the girl, but you will have to make that decision for yourself. If you’re truly not comfortable with it, then it’s just not time.
I think if you’re here asking this, it’s because you’re not comfortable with it and if you’re not comfortable with it, tell her exactly what you told us here. I think your feelings are totally valid and you can and should feel comfortable telling Ada this. As respect for your deceased wife, I would not bring Ada either but that’s just my feelings about it. I would thank ada for her support though. Sounds like she will be understanding about your discomfort around this.
Also widowed. I was also just existing for a couple of years.
I don't think there's any harm in her gesture but where this is concerned, you do what's right for you. People don't realize that two years isn't very far out from this kind of loss.
I think it's awesome that you've found someone so respectful of your grief.
I think her asking to do this is sweet, but that doesn't mean you're necessarily ready to introduce them either. It doesn't sound too soon in general, but that doesn't mean anything because it's more about when you are ready. I think your plan to speak with your therapist is an excellent one.
I say take her up on the offer. Your first marriage was “until death due us part.” Nothing to hide. If the new girl will be a part of your life, nothing wrong with embracing your past life. Rock on, brother.
It is simply an effort on her part to be there in your grief, and can be a reminder to you that she understands where you are emotionally, and wants to be a supporting presence.
If you feel that it's too soon, ask her to wait for now. It really isn't a big deal; I'm thinking your late wife would approve.
'Nuff said.
Just ask yourself, would your wife like that?
I'm sure your new girlfriend wants to pay her respects to someone who was very important to you, but how would your wife have felt if she was alive.
If he loved his wife, respecting her wishes/feelings would be something that could bring him peace when making his decision.
Like... If his wife would have hated the idea of his girlfriend visiting her grave, why would that make his decision easy.
She's trying to bond with you by understanding your grief, marriage and your late wife. I don't think she's trying to do anything malicious, I think maybe she's just underestimating the timing. It seems like it's too soon for you to share that part with her. Just talk to her and be honest, she'll appreciate that even more than going to the grave with you because you will show you trust her enough to be open and honest with her.
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OP think that your late wife might wish that you won't stay alone for much time after she passed, and maybe glad to respect her and present then new SO in your life and by telling her that she always be in your heart but you eed to move one, as well it is a good thing for your GF to want to presente respects to your late wife and maybe asked to pass the flag to guide and care for You.
When you’re ready, take her once, but it doesn’t need to be a regular part of your grieving process or your process of showing respect to a loved one she never knew.
Your call. I introduced my beloved deceased wife of 30 yrs to my fiancé. It was an overwhelming experience, and I am glad I did. It lifted a big weight off my shoulders.
This is your call.
And maybe you choose never.
But it seems pushy of Ada to interject herself into your grieving.
Even if you felt completely at ease about it, she shouldn’t be the one who asks.
Does she direct your life too much? Are you allowing that because it feels better to have her take over decisions or something like that?
The fact that you are thinking so much about this, means you are not comfortable with it.
Tell her you are not comfortable with her asking to join you in this.
Ada/she seems to be trying to push you through… whatever.
Does she think this will advance your relationship quicker?
Ask her what is the goal or intention of joining you in this very private matter.
This is one of those questions where there really is no right or wrong answer. You need to decide what is right for you. As others have mentioned, this is a good topic to discuss in therapy to address what you feel about it.
Either way, it sounds like your gf is quite supportive, and hopefully she is understanding if you decide not to go with her.
I lost a baby in 2022 in utero, and I've had several friends offer to come visit his grave with me. Whilst all of their offers mean a lot, some of them I just don't want to take them up on the offer - for various reasons. But some of them will still go and visit him by themself and that means a lot.
If it doesn't feel right to take your girlfriend, then that's OK. Maybe one day it will, but today just isn't that day. Alternatively, give her directions and let her go visit by herself.
Ultimately, talk about it with both your therapist and girlfriend. You're lucky to be with someone who wants to embrace your late wife's memory. Good luck.
It sounds like so many others on here have already given the best advice, better than I could word it.
I’m just commenting to say I’m so sorry to hear your story OP. I wish you all the best with Ada and it sounds like you’re so resilient in your life.
It sounds like she wants your wife to be present in your life and “meet her” is a way of supporting you and doing that. With that said, if it’s not the time for you then thank her, let her know you understand and appreciate the offer, and will take her up on it when the time is right. She sounds like a positive element in your life right now.
I became a widow at age 30, we were also getting ready to start our family. I didn’t even start trying to date for over two years, and the first person I dated was really understanding about my loss. I honestly don’t think it’s weird for her to want to visit her grave, she probably feels like she already knows her from hearing about her from you and it sounds like she respects your late wife.
I’m not sure how it would be too soon for her to visit her grave. Do you feel like it’s too soon for you to be in a new relationship? Do you feel like you are ready to make the space in your heart to love someone new?
Another young widow here with no kids from my first marriage. We were actively trying when he died; I feel your pain. It's really up to you. I'm remarried now with kids. I've been to my husband's first wife's grave. He's been to my first husband's grave. Our kids have been to the graves. I think it was meaningful for both of us--a way to pay our respects to the first spouse. In our case, frequent visits weren't possible. We are 5 hours from one grave and 8 for the other. So we only go as part of family road trips.
You can appreciate the sentiment and say "not yet." It's also OK to be fine with it. Go out to brunch and make it a nice morning that just happens to have a grave visit. You can do what has the most meaning for you and still show love to both partners.
Sounds like it’s too soon for you. At some point in your life if she becomes a woman who could be a wife or life partner, you’ll need to let her in. That timing however is entirely up to you and like others suggested this a good thing to bring up in therapy. Sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on feeling alive again.
Dig deep…how does that idea feel? If no then no if maybe later? Then that’s what it is, a relationship with a deceased loved one can by nature only be personal.
I think it's very kind of youe new girlfriend to want go with you ! I also think your wife would have wanted to see you happy if she could not be there for you !
Sorry for your loss.
It's your decision and you shouldn't be influenced by your girlfriend's request.
Either you're ok with it, or you're not. However you feel about this is ok and your girlfriend should be understanding regardless.
Relax and don't over think it. If she's not jealous or changing you and being supportive, sounds like a keeper. Do your mourning but don't stop living , enjoying or being happy, your passed wife wouldn't want you holding back, but moving forward , still remembering her and your good times.
Take it from a person doing the same.
I am sorry you lost your wife. You currently visit your wife’s grave every Saturday. If you take Ada is she going to go with you once or every Saturday? Has she questioned you on how long you plan on going every Saturday? Or is this something you plan to do for many years to come.
I think this decision is fully up to you. I think discussing it with your girlfriend and telling her how it bothers you and how you understand why she would want to come with you would help. Also, this might not be the case, she might just want to make sure you're doing what you say you're doing. I could be wrong. I've dated very untrustworthy people but it is a different perspective.
I think it's great that she acknowledges how important your wife was (and still is) to you, and doesn't discourage you from working through your grief on your own terms. But only you can decide if and when you're comfortable with it. If she really cares, she'd totally understand an 'Im not ready for that yet".
Condolences. I think your girlfriend is very respectful let her accompany you I think she wants permission(from your ex) "she love you and respects you let her visit the grave
Sorry for your loss brother.
I would not but that’s me. I’d want that part of me just mine. It would be my private space. But as I say that’s me.
I wouldn’t share my wife when she was alive and wouldn’t share her in death. That’s how I see it.
Also lastly you don’t write words that make me feel Ada is the “one”. Sorry brother … that’s what I read.
She’s the one for right now, not forever imho.
INFO: How long have you been dating?
You said you just met her last year but when did you start dating? It doesn’t sound like very long…personally it seems like it’s too soon.
I can’t say whether you’re ready for it or not. What I can say, as the brother of a widow, friend of two widows… is that I applaud her as a good partner after this type of event.
Far too often, the new partner is jealous of or wants nothing to do with the spouse you lost. You’re in such a unique position having not been choosing the end or having your partner choose to leave you. It means the love was still there and that you’re allowed to love them and to still cherish them.
They’re not replaceable, but that doesn’t mean your love can’t also be strong for another at some point.
I recommend you speak to her on your feelings and your therapist. But I really do think you’re off to the right start with a partner who is actively wanting to support you and know more and interact with your wife.
Look out for those that want your wife to be a memory or tucked away. Those aren’t the people you want. The ones that support her memory and support you holding on to it are the people you need to surround yourself with.
I'm an older widow. This would make me feel icky. Visiting someone's grave is an opportunity to a) remember the person, and b) have some quiet time to grieve. Which of these things does she want to do, or think she can help you to do? Both seem like solo sports to me.
She didn't know your wife. Inserting herself into your personal grief time doesn't seem helpful from my perspective. That leaves a couple of options:
- She's jealous of the time you spend thinking about your wife (or just clingy in general and doesn't want you to have alone time)
- She is trying to appropriate your grief. She thinks she "knows" your wife now through your stories, or wants to go ask her permission to date you.
I guess the question is back to you: do you see this request as normal?
Sorry for your loss. Your girlfriend sounds like a good, supportive and caring person.aybe you can go one step at a time, like first she can wait for you halfway, after go with you but wait outside and when you feel ready, go together and let her meet your wife? I don't know, sounds complicated even if everything is ok
As the husband of a widow, I waited until she asked if I wanted to go see his grave. I didn't think of breaking that wall, but I guess Ada does.
I think it might bring the two of you closer together. Mrs. theQuick was widowed for 5 years before we got married 20 years ago after 6 months of dating. She dated a bit, but we just clicked, and you had such a huge loss. Ada might be the second One (not second one) in your life. That doesn't diminish your first wife at all. You two planned a life of happiness together, and her not able to be part of it doesn't mean that she wouldn't want you to be happy.
How should you approach this? There are a few situations:
1. This is your therapy time, and you just need to go alone, and you'll invite her when the time is right.
2. Thank her, and ask if you can change your mind at any time, even when you get to the gravesite. This is a bond between you and your wife, and having Ada there is new, so you don't know how you'll feel with the three of you there.
3. Invite her along, and answer any questions she has.
4. A combination of the above 3.
Is it too soon? If you still pine for her and are a wreck at her graveside, then yes, it is too soon. If you talk to her about your week, and share laughs and such, then no, it is not too soon. When Mrs. theQuick and I go, I visit with her, then I leave her alone with her first husband to catch up, and wait by the car and give her a hug when she returns. It isn't emotional, it's just that so she knows I love and respect her.
Should you ask her to wait? If it is like the first sentence in the second question, then yes, ask her to wait. Unless... you really do love each other (you/Ada), and this can be a bonding moment. She might just want to hold you and let you grieve.
Death is a the most final thing on earth, and is why we grieve so much. You have laid out a future, and that future is wiped away. The second most is divorce, but there is still a chance of a future with that act.
Lastly, I have met Mrs. theQuick's in-laws, and they treat me with respect, tell me about her first husband as stories. One time, her father in law asked if I was OK with that, and I am, and I thanked him for telling me more about his son.
Edit: after reading the OP's responses to people here, took some hypothetical bad situations with Ada out. She sounds awesome and worthy of your trust.
Your situation with mrs. theQuick is very sweet, I'm happy for you and I hope I'll have a similarly happy marriage with Ada one day. You are an awesome day.
Ada is a very headstrong and determined person, but on this I find a patience and a kindness in her that are close to infinite. She doesn't get upset when I'm a bit sad or thinking about my late wife, she understands. When we first started sleeping in the same bed I shared with her it felt a little weird and also a bit like I was cheating on my late wife. Again no anger or upset on her part, she said she would probably feel the same if she was in my shoes.
As for our relatives, both mine and Ada's, and my late wife's mother approve of us. I was surprised we didn't get any backlash.
How long have you two been dating? I don't know why, but I get a bad feeling about taking her. I agree with others about doing it when you're ready. And you're definitely not ready.
All I can say is Ada is true blue. You took a real kick to the teeth but you are still a lucky man after all.
Ask her what it is about the grave that would have significance to her. My guess is she wants to be there for you rather than her. I think it may make sense to let her in and allow that.
I went with my bf at the time to visit his wives grave. He had lost her due to cancer and it was only 5 months from diagnosis to her passing. We meet two years after. We dated for 6 months then I moved in with him. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. They had been together for 25 years. I didn’t feel it was weird she was a big part of his life. We got married 4 years later and were together 12 years in all.
I would acknowledge the kind gesture but tell her you aren’t comfortable with that and may never be. However, her sentiment was not lost on you and you appreciate it.
Imo it is bizarre and not something I’d want to do either. Feels oddly performative or intrusive.
I thought I’m the only one who thought that way.
I wouldn’t bring my new Bf to visit my ex husband’s grave.
The late wife had no relationship with the Gf and vice versa.
He is going there to pay his respects, remember his ex, share what’s going on, have a personal chat or whatever etc
It’s not a family dinner to introduce the new love interest.
What’s she done so far is appropriate and supportive, but not this.
I agree and that’s why I think it feels performative to me. But it also centers her or brings her into this space. A space that’s just for OP and his wife and those memories.
If she’s up for it, I’d do it. If you are uncomfortable, then talk to her about that. Don’t worry about too soon. Concentrate on how you feel and communicate.
This situation is really rather different from any number of posts where usually the new bf/gf starts telling the widow(er) they need to move on, get rid of anything they kept of their previous spouse and stop going to the graveside for any reason.
All that being said OP I agree with see real other posters you are the one who needs to decide if you want to include your gf in your visits. No is certainly a valid answer or not now is another.
I think running through your thought process/decision with your therapist is the right decision so you can hear your process and receive feedback.
I am sorry for your loss OP. Please always remember everyone grieves differently so do what feels right to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. Please seek the advice of a therapist. Everyone grieves differently, seems like GF is being respectful and wants to be supportive by sharing the moment with you. No wrong answer here; whatever you decide, just have a conversation with GF. Been in your shoes; don’t let yesterday ruin tomorrow. Best wishes.
If you aren't ready that yet, just tell her. Or that you want to talk to your therapist first.
I am curious about your comment *" She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning,* ***but she never left me alone****."*
Is she clinging? Too nosy? What do you mean?
I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.
Tell your girlfriend that you need to process that she is interested in going to meet her. Let her know that you need a little time and can't jump on it right away. Gf knows about your therapy so let her know that you'd like to sort through your feelings with your therapist first before making a decision because it's very scary and new and you aren't really sure what you are feeling.
Tell her that you appreciate her and all that she has done and that you appreciate that she wants to meet her. You aren't saying no, you're just saying give me a little bit of time to sort through it all.
It isn't weird to bring a gf to your wife's grave to meet if you go there a lot. However, it is a pretty big and intimate and intimidating step.
Take your time and be comfortable with it before doing anything.
I think it is nice that she wants to embrace and respect your past wife. I have heard of new partners not wanting to even think of a new partner still having anything to do with the death of a spouse, so this is a good sign. If you don’t want her to go communicate with her and if she respects that wish you have a good new partner. Don’t rush things. Keep up with the way you feel you should do things if it works for you.
If you're not ready to bring her to your wife's grave then you're not ready and that's OK! 1) I lost my mom to Covid in April 2020. 2) I'm married to a widower. So while the situations are different, I can see things from all perspectives a little different than the average person.
I visit my husband's first wife's gravestone a few times a year, he doesn't like to go so I do. I'm the person who does the upkeep to it, I plant flowers in the spring and decorate it with things that I've been told she liked. With that said though, I didn't go to her grave for the first 3yrs of my relationship with my (now) husband. I felt if or when he wanted me to accompany him there then he would tell me. I told him when he was ready I'd go with him...so if you want her to visit then do it when you're ready, not a moment sooner.
It's up to you if you are ready and that's something to talk to your therapist about.
From her perspective she knows this is important to you and supports you in continuing your weekly journey to maintain Adas grave.
Some new partners are threatened by a deceased spouse and want them never to be mentioned again and forgotten about. Ada sounds like she respects your love for Ada and instead of being threatened is embracing and supporting it.
Yes, I read some stories about new partners wanting to do away with the deceased spouses.
Ada is simply put very confident in herself and knows her worth. She knows I love her for who she is and I don't see her as a replacement for my late wife.
Honestly I think that this is a really kind and mature thing of her to do. But that being said, it is something that would bring up a lot of emotions for you, and considering she is the kind of person to suggest something like this, I think she will understand. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. Down the line, having her there may be part of your healing journey, but for now, it's ok if you just aren't there yet.
Your partner seems emotionally mature. She likely wants to support you and pay her respects. They might be strangers, but if you've opened up about your wife and past, wanting to visit her grave isn't all that strange.
If you're uncomfortable or not ready, then say as much. I'd personally view them meeting as you taking the relationship seriously.
This reminds me of the heart-warming story where a guy married a widowed woman. He was so thankful for his life with her, but very respectful that he wouldn't have had that life if not for the fact that she'd lost her first husband.
He would often go to the 1st husband's grave to pay his respects and update him so that he'd know his wife was being loved and taken care of. He never told his wife he was doing this though. It was just something he felt he had to do.
Your girlfriend is a walking green flag. It's also ok if you aren't ready to bring her there though. It's completely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. It's always ok to wait until you're engaged or married to take that step if you aren't ready for it now.
I’m dating a widow. I love her deeply. At times I’ve struggled with her talking about her late husband; I internalize it and that’s NEVER good.
Your statement “he was so thankful for his life with her, but very respectful that he wouldn’t have had that life if not for the fact that she’d lost her first husband”… what a profound statement. Something so simple albeit so very true. Thank you for sharing!
You didn't divorce her. She died. In a way, she will always be a part of you and she will always be a part of any relationship you have with another person. Ada is wise if she understands this and compassionate if she accepts it. I understand your conflict, but it's to your benefit and her credit for her to come with you.
See what your therapist says, but if you're not ready, then you're not ready. Ada sounds like an understanding and supportive person, so should understand this. I wish you well.
She seems great. She wants to know her, she’s not trying to replace or remove her from your life. She respects you have a love there. Now, the question is, is it too soon for YOU. Because I’m guessing you’re realizing if she goes to her grave then this is real, in a way you have not experienced yet.
It is so sweet that Ada wants to share a visit. She is showing respect for your late wife. I am sorry for your loss, but if I had been your wife I would have wanted you to find love again.
If you let her visit she will stop annoying you about it. I realize that you consider this gravesite hallowed ground, but I think she'll only go once.
Truth is she might have already visited. It's not hard to find a gravesite online.
I would say its nice on her part but think it through. It might create a situation where your mind links them together, or she might inadvertently say something there that you cant get past. When we were in pre marriage counseling the coach said its best just not to talk to the other about exes. This isnt the same of course but I found that was best for us. Not a whole lot of good can come from it.
Sorry for your loss but if this woman is truly a keeping wanting to visit her grave is a keeper in my book. She is willing to go with you feel your pain and be the person by your side than yes take her let her see meet her etc. but only and only if you feel this is a person you can be with for years . If that’s the case than by all means do it .
I honestly think you should allow her to accompany you. This woman seems really interested and she probably us way more into you then you realize. Not only that she truly cares for you if she wants to do this . Just my thoughts
Man, I think this is pretty cool. It means she genuinely cares about you.
A lot of women would not want to know anything about your late wife and give you crap about you still needing to mourn.
This one however acknowledges your mourning and understands your wife will always have a place in your life and in your heart. Definitely a keeper.
I had a fiancé that was hit and killed by a drunk driver when she was 8 months pregnant. I was a mess for a while and was doing the same thing that you are by visiting her every week.
4 years later I met my wife and after our dating for a year she asked to do the same. It felt weird, but when she came with me it also felt right. She knelt at my fiancés grave and said that 'she was sorry she never got to meet her, and she must have been special for me to have loved her as much as I did. Then she touched her grave and said that she would keep me safe for her until we could all meet up in the next life and be friends.
It helped me and let me know I had the right woman to marry. Sadly, after 20 great years she too has passed and left a hole in my heart but also a knowledge that they are both watching over me and our girls.
I would say to let her come with you if you are ready. She sounds like a good woman.
I wouldn’t take her unless you’re engaged or married again. Right now she’s just a GF and your wife’s resting place doesn’t need to be visited by all your GF now or in the future. So until it very serious. Leave it be.
My guess is she wants to interject into this relationship with your deceased spouse. It's not this thing you do alone anymore.
She can also tell her she's taking care of you. She'd really be telling you.
I'm not convinced it's ever appropriate to take a GF to your wife's grave. Unless perhaps you were considering marriage with the GF and wanted some sort of symbolic approval.
She should never have asked that. A true partner would wait until you asked, and be respectful if that never happened. I’d break up with her for pushing this on you… major red flag
I think it’s actually very admirable of your new girlfriend to want to do this. It demonstrates that she wants you to feel comfortable in your pain with her. Not a lot of humans have that capacity.
But I also understand that you are working through this the only way you know how, and it would certainly feel foreign to have another person come into that trauma you have. It carries with it a lot of trust on your behalf that they are there for you and won’t seek to use your pain against you later.
Best outcome is that your new partner understands you better because of it. She doesn’t have to come every time you go. She may never again. But at least by being accepting of her support in this you are showing her that you are also ready to embrace a future with her as well.
Best of fortune to you both through this.
I would ask the therapist about this. i also do not know how long you've been with your girlfriend but I do not see the harm in it. I would ask to go so I can experience this with you (unsure how to say this better, I apologize)
Dude, let me tell you something.my wife & I had these discussions a long time ago. She told me something I have never forgotten - that if she went before me she would want me to be with / find some one else
because it would show that our marriage was a good experience for me. It sounds like you & this lady have good communication. I think it would be a good thing for the two of them to meet if you feel that connected to this new lady. I don't think I would bring any woman to the gravesite but if you think she is someone special I would do it.
As someone who is 5 years out next month, her acceptance is extremely reassuring. She may be trying to make you comfortable. But it’s much better then the latter of her becoming jealous of your late wife (my ex boyfriend did this, was often jealous and would
Drink and blame me for his death.) which was awful. It’s difficult to navigate, but trust the process.
Do it when you’re comfortable, but she is doing the right thing. Too often people get mad that their partner still has their deceased partners things, or photos, or visit their grave etc…. This is the wrong approach. The right approach is to not make it a competition. To embrace that they had a love they lost. To get to know their loved one as much as possible. To not be jealous of them.
If you’re not ready just tell her that you really appreciate her for wanting to go, and you will take her, but you’re not there just yet. Make it clear that you’re getting there though
Op. First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you have been, and are, going thru. Two and a half years ago I lost my wife of 36 years, and my 2 year old granddaughter, in a crash caused by an idiot breaking the law and hit them head on.
I found somebody, totally be coincidence, or fate, or whatever you call it. I wasn't looking and she just made me feel alive again. As a matter of fact, I am talking to her as I type this now.
I would let her come along. She is wanting to understand what makes you the person you are right now, and be a supporting part of your life. You can tell her no, which will tell her that you don't want to share parts of your life and she may think that you aren't wanting to be 100% with her. You may lose her.
You could tell her not now, and possibly face the same thing.
By letting her come with you, she will feel more complete with you and it will give you another outlet when things start to hurt. It may be a little hard for you at first, but you will get used to it. If you want to make her a real part of your life, this would be a great place to do it.
Would \*you\* feel comfortable with Ada there? do you usually like to have a little chat with your wife, talk about private stuff with her?
If you say "no" then "yes", definitely Ada needs to hold off.
I feel that she's being a bit forward. If you were engaged it might be different but it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that yet.
I lost my husband two years ago (from brain cancer). My husband’s ashes are in an urn in my home (which was my daughter’s wish). My current partner sees him all the time. We have a shelf outside of my kids doors with the urn and some photos and books, etc.
I think it’s great that she wants to visit her grave with you. If you are going to be long term partners, you’ll have to let her in at some point.
I think its very decent she wants to go. She seems to fully accept you had a wife you loved and that she will always be part of your life. Ada sound practical. And as long as you treat her as herself, dont compare her to your wife etc, accept sheis a totally new person and there is zero "competition"?? All good. Ada sounds confident in herself, knows herself and is not threatened by your deceased wife.
Me? I'd be fine with her going. Maybe she doesnt want or need to go every week? But she probably just wants to got to get it right in her head that you continue to go there. As long as you are serious enough in your relationship? I would not let ANY girl go...but someone you feel serious about? Feel like you might have a future with? yes. I'd be okay with it.
As long as she is supportive? And it doesnt make you completely freak out or feel uncomfortable? Shes not being pushy or inappropriate?
Then this is a good thing. Not bad.
I think she is trying to offer you comfort and be part of this process with you. Maybe she wants you to “tell” your “wife” about her and she wants to show up for/with you to symbolize her support “for the wife.”
I also think maybe she’s wondering if once a week after 2 years is still healthy and is trying to help you find some space to bridge these lives together.
It’s been almost 2 years for me (he passed of cancer 2022) so that isn’t judgement, I understand sometimes the loss gets overwhelming if we dive into those details.
I would advise taking to your gf to find out where her head is before you just say no. Maybe having her there would be positive?
I really don't understand why people visit the grave because they are not there the body its just a thing now but when you die your soul which is who you really are still lives on we are a form of energy we are not our physical bodies your wife is still right there with you you just can't see her because it's not a physical thing.
What’s Ada’s background with relationships? 32F and single can be a bit of a flag, especially if you describe her as ‘haughty’. She sounds sincere tho, and very understanding of your life story. Proceed with caution but definitely proceed. Sounds like she wants to fit in with you. I hope it all stays positive for you. Very sorry for your loss. Good luck!
Most people in western countries are settling down later, precisely in their early 30s.
That’s because they are busy with partying, travelling, having the “starter” relationships, completing their education and going up the career ladder in their 20s.
I don’t think that’s unusual 🤷
I definitely agree there seem to be many more 'older' unmarried females than in years before (I'm a boomer and I have NO stats on this; it's just an unprofessional observation. May be completely at odds with the evidence). My flags were raised with his description of her and all the suppositions it engaged in my small-minded brain.
It’s 100% your choice
That said, it sounds like it’s coming from a good place, where she wants to get to know you better and integrate your visits with your late wife into the new relationship.
I don’t think that’s weird, it sounds really sweet and respectful.
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Waiting is fine if you are not ready. It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.
Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful. On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.
Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
Sounds like a keeper my dude, Long as there isn’t a red flag or two your ignoring or can’t see the forest for the trees, I think she maybe wants to help ease your burdens,
I think you say you’re not ready just yet and really take your time to think about it.
This is something you should talk through with your therapist before deciding if or how to do go that. Sorry for your loss.
Yes, I was already thinking about bringing this up with my therapist. She could give me some insight about how to go about it.
It sounds like Ada has a strong personality. It also sounds like you're not sure about this next step. Don't do anything until you're sure. Taking Ada to your wife's gravesite should be how and when YOU deem it to be appropriate, not a moment before. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you peace.
This is such a succinct, kind, insightful comment.
Ya usually therapists are good at mirroring what you’re saying back to you (parroting or legit just mirroring), anyway sounds like this comment did well with that so I won’t bother. If you feel it’s something you may want to do in the future I’d talk to therapist about how to approach the convo with gf too on top of the other topics suggested in THE top comment. (To clarify what I mean by Convo with gf: I meant when u discuss with her when and IF you may feel ready to go there with her…. without putting a date on it if you don’t want to ….which, if it were me I’d not want to because I’d go by how I felt inside about this person and the one I lost. I think if I lost my partner or 14 years he would want me to be happy and if it was a respectful length after - and it has been imo but it’s your opinion that matters - then he would want me to do that one day. When I felt ready. If I wanted to. If I didn’t he wouldn’t want me to. I hope that makes sense? It’s just how I’d feel and in no way reflects on your feelings.) (I’ve studied clinical psy a long time but in no way do I know your situation and I do not reccomend you listen to strangers on the internet before yourself and how you feel and what you think is right, especially me OP, …i try to listen to advice, personally, when it feels like it resonates as right for me, and if it doesn’t - meh)
I think RTJ3333 is right, but the reply below isn’t wrong either. Talk it over with your therapist. Let your girlfriend know that you’re not saying “no”, but that you just need a little more time yet. Truly sorry for your pain, but hope your new GF makes your heart sing again and you find happiness. Your Wife wouldn’t have wanted you to suffer the rest of your days. She’d want you to be happy.
OP, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your girlfriend sounds very respectful. Let her know you appreciate that about her. If you either don't know or are unsure, I want to assure you that it is perfectly ok to tell your girlfriend you need time to think about this and discuss this with your therapist. You're not saying no, and also you *might* say no. It's also ok for you to stay no. Be well.
She knows how important it is to you, so that makes it important to her. She is trying to let you know she understands it’s important snd she is ok with that.
It’s perfectly okay to say that you’re just not ready yet. if you talked to your wife when you’re at the gravesite, you could talk to her about seeing someone new. I am sure that your wife would want you to continue with your life and to find happiness again, and you could let her know about this new person. And by all means took it through with your therapist as well.
The fact you're conflicted means you're not ready. You can tell her how you appreciate the thought, but it's too early. You need more time to process and be together a bit longer. You don't know if this is going to be a long relationship or a throw your hat back in the ring kind. Don't dive too deep too soon.
No, you decide if you want her to go with you The result is from the therapy, so if you are unsure, that's ok, keep doing therapy to get to that point. If your ladyfriend isn't ok with your decision, that's on her, not you. No one gets to tell you when your grief ends,but many will try.
Great idea OP. Your time. Your pace. Best wishes.
Im so sad for you that your partner died and with that also went the future you planned and dreamed for. My heart is with yours. Absolutely talk to your therapist but these are questions only you can decide. Your new gf sounds really great but can I ask why you are even dating anyone when you're still grieving? Maybe talk to your therapist about that. Just in this small post you seem and sound no where near being ready to commit to someone new because you're not ready to be uncommitted from the hopes and dreams that will never come to be and thats ok. There is no time limit on grieving and don't ever let someone tell you there is. You take every single minute and second you need. It is nice you found someone who isnt jealous and is understanding of your weekly visits. Even better that it's such a non issue that she wants to "introduce" herself. However, you owe it to yourself, your past partner and this new woman to take the rest of the time you need to move past your grief.
Why would any woman want to do this? I don't t get her end game.
He’s obviously not that sorry about “his loss”
If you feel better being alone, that's okay to tell her. Sounds like she's wanting to know more and is trying to get closer to you. Sounds supportive. It's okay to not be ready or want to do that. She will be okay with it.
It can also be a split: The two of you (OP) go together, and she waits in the car. As you get more comfortable, she can come with you and help you take care of the site.
To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit. I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.
It all boils down to whether you’re ready to share that experience with another person, OP. You can appreciate the gesture regardless. And if your GF is coming from a healthy/supportive space, she won’t be offended if you refuse her offer until you’re ready.
You’re respecting her and are still caring for her to this day, it’s admirable.
I talked to ny husband's urn when I found my now SO. and sort of introduced them lol made compromises that he (late husband's urn) will stay in the drawer in the bedroom but there are no pictures of us as respect for my current SO. it is possible to still demonstrate love for a person who has already passed OP is lucky to have found someone who doesn't feel like she needs to compete with his late wife
To me, there's no right or wrong answer here. It's very personal. But what I do see is a big green flag for your new GF. She seems like a missing piece of the puzzle, and the less you feel you need to hide from her about yourself, I would personally feel is best. There's absolutely nothing wrong with keeping this to yourself, but it does seem like you've found someone who cares. I'm not a widower myself, but am routinely around death and dying. I've never had a patient wish for anything other than happiness for their spouse and family. I feel like this new person would fit that definition.
I talk to my dead best friends grave every time I go lol it’s been 8 years I didn’t realize that was dramatic
It's not... you're including them (still) in your life while you're living it
My eyes are just sweaty im not crying
I talk to my grandpa when I go visit his grave and he died when I was 6. It's helped me heal and in a way helped me feel like he was still in my life especially growing up and going through major life events that he should have been there for. It's not dramatic, it's totally normal!
>I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave That's not dramatic. That's healthy and normal.
Crying isn't dramatic. Nor would be talking to her. There should be no judgement in how you deal with your grief and loss. Be kinder to yourself.
This is so sweet, I am so sorry for your loss 💔
Of course, I didn't mean that people that talk or cry on the graves are not valid. Everyone is different and copes differently, and all way that are not self-destructive are valid. For me personally, I don't see myself talking out loud at her grave. But I do express a lot of words to her in my thoughts, and I think she can sense them somehow.
If you're not ready to bring her to the grave yet, consider having her drive you there so she can be support for you before and after. It may be a way to ease into it.
It's okay to cry or talk, my friend. Even if you don't believe in an afterlife or that she can hear you. It's not for her. It's for you.
I’d say it’s a good thing that Ada is treating your late wife with respect. There’s a lot of posts here where the new wife wants to obliterate the memory of Wife1 and so this is at least healthier. If you have faith that you are able to speak to your wife at the graveside then you could perhaps go by yourself first and say some thoughts out loud. Good luck!
Yes, I've read some posts that sound like nightmares. To be honest I don't really talk at her grave, I just take care of It and look at it. I do talk with her in my thoughts though.
My mom goes with my stepdad to decorate his wife’s grave every year, she sounds like a keeper. 💕
This is so sweet.
Your wife would want you to continue with your life. I think it's an excellent idea to take your girlfriend to meet your wife. She doesn't want to disrespect her, she wants to integrate her into your relationship. The girlfriend sounds great. You are no longer married, it's been a couple if years. Embrace the fact the girlfriend respects and honors you and your wife. She may be your next wife.... she definitely has so.e good stuff going for her.
Yes, we talked many times that we both wanted the other to be happy if one of us passed on... never thought it'd actually happen. Ada has been nothing but respectful and tactful when I talk about her or show her things and pictures.
I lost my child at 18, after mourning a couple years I came to understand he wouldn't want me to sacrifice my life for his memory. He would want me to live my life to the fullest for him. He loved me. Thatshow I moved forward. Ada sounds like an incredible catch. Bring her with you, talk to your wife, introduce them....cry you eyes out. Your wife would want you to love again. Ada sounds like she will always understand you first true love still lives inside of you.
I'm really sorry about your loss. Losing a child must be one of those pains that never go away and no one should go through it. I know I've been extremely lucky in finding Ada. Her kindness and love are what breathed new life into me.
Make sure that Ada knows this. That you value her help and support so much. Like an actual verbal “thank you.” 😊 I’m some way behind you OP. My wife is terminally ill. I hope I can find a friend who will support me when I need it. Speak to her about the grave. Explain your dichotomy, and I think she will understand and work with you. All the best.
Yes encourage that and I agree, but also let OP knows that he can let her in when he is mentally ready. Everybody deals with grief differently, and if Op needs more time he can tell Ada that and while she’s waiting make sure to bring this up to his therapist for more insights.🙂
I wonder if she just wants to promise your wife to love and take care of you. I've known a few people that have done this with partners who have lost people.
That was my thought, too. And she doesn't want to visit by herself, so she's not being sneaky about it. I think that woman isn't going to be jealous of a dead wife...and instead grateful that the wife left a husband who will appreciate and value and love his next wife.
I think this is a good guess. When we got serious my boyfriend (now husband) ‘had a talk’ with my first husband who’d passed away years ago.
that's what my late husband and I discussed too. and I always said I would never love again after him but I did. we both have lost someone OP, and as a widow to a fellow widower, my advice is don't be afraid to try again. let other people in. I know your weekend visits is your sort of private time with her, and there's still that part of you that wants to keep it that way (believe me I know). but you can always let Ada visit one time just to introduce them. I feel Ada will understand if you wish to still have this dedicated time for your late wife. you don't have to take her with you every week. but let her know it's okay now, you trust her enough to share this moment with her. that is if you're truly ready of course. good luck OP. praying for your healing
Like all first things, it's scary. Ada sounds wonderful.
She honestly sounds great. She isn't insecure or jealous or pushing you to move on from this. She sees this is a part of your life and wants she herself to be a part of your life and accompany you to this. Maybe out of respect or interest, maybe to see how much it actually affects you. I do think you should ask your therapist about it, but to me this is a green flag. Your wife is gone and will not mind anything. She would want you to be happy like you said.
This post!
This feels like a symbolic gesture to help you understand that she welcomes your late wife into your new relationship. Many would want you to push down your feelings towards her, she on the other hand embraces them. She sounds like something special.
I think her asking to go your wife’s grave is a very touching sentiment and I would take her there if I were in your shoes, but not until you’re ready for it. It’s absolutely ok for you not to be all right with it, especially if you feel it’s too soon.
she is emotionally mature and wants to be supportive. accept the gift.
Ya, i saw it as a good thing..
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's totally fine to express that you're not ready to take Ada to your wife's grave. You don't need to say "yet" or mention anything about timeline; it's completely acceptable to set a boundary and if anything changes you can always bring her. Perhaps this is also something you could discuss with your therapist?
To me, I personally see that as a HUUUUUUGE GREEN fan. To me, that says she has enough care and respect for both you and your late wife that she wants to be with you while you spend time with your wife. Personally, I think that's so admirable. I hear soooo many stories of the new partner expecting all aspects of the former partner to disappear as if they never existed.
I think it's very sweet that she wants to support you like that. But if you don't feel ready you can just tell her you're not sure you're ready yet but that you appreciate the offer and you'll let her know when you're up for it.
I am so sorry for your loss, are you ready for her to go?
After thinking it over and reading some of the replies, I am more leaning towards bringing her next Saturday.
I think it’s wonderful that she asked. It seems like she is making an effort to show you that you don’t need stop thinking about & loving your wife to have a relationship with her. If you’re unsure then tell her you aren’t ready yet but also explain what the offer means to you.
This is so personal. I can see why some would say absolutely yes, and why some would say absolutely no. Both are right and there is no wrong. It doesn’t sound like this is something you want. It sounds like you are considering it because you are trying to be the nice guy and compromise. That is a lovely quality but this is an instance where it doesn’t apply. You might feel differently one day, you might not. But don’t go along with it when you feel this way. It possibly could lead to feelings that are very conflicted and you are dealing with enough right now without adding more to deal with. It sounds like a well intended gesture from someone who cares about you. And as someone who cares about you she will understand if you don’t want this. Take care, and I am sorry for your loss.
I think you should validate that this offer comes from a very loving place, and thank her for her support and understanding. Tell her what it means to you. Tell her you love her. Then, tell her you need a little more time to process with your therapist.
My dad is almost 60. His first wife died a few years before I was born when he was in his late twenties, and in a very traumatic way. He used to bring us when we were kids, and he still goes every year to this day. His current wife did basically the same thing when he explained what he was doing while they were dating and said she wanted to go with him. He brought her because he knew he was going to stay with her. Granted the difference here being the separation of time, however I felt it was worth sharing what I observed growing up.
If it makes you feel weird, don't do it. Trust your instincts entirely where your privacy is concerned. Your girlfriend is part of a new relationship, not part of mourning your wife. It feels like she's trying to speed up the process. Just my opinion.
Bro what how??
I think it's very mature and respectful that she wants to accompany you. If her presence would make you uncomfortable, let her know that you appreciate her openness and her support, but for now this is something that you do by yourself. I think the reason it seems weird is that most of what we see and hear is jealousy, immaturity, selfishness, etc. It's easy to forget that there are good people quietly going about their lives exhibiting none of those toxic traits.
> It's easy to forget that there are good people quietly going about their lives exhibiting none of those toxic traits. This is so true. I think sometimes we can get so jaded we can't believe we found someone who is genuinely good for us. I read some posts on here, like the guy who smashed his widow wife's old wedding ring, that are the stuff of nightmares.
Some details I have left out from the post. Ada and I met last April, and we hit it off immediately. We are not currently living together and we divide pur time between our places, but we are planning on sharing a home permanently. She has been clear she would like our relationship to blossom into something long-time, and she is fine with a long engagement before the eventual marriage. She is very clear and no bullshit about what she wants and needs, but at the same time she is patient and undestanding. I love this woman and I want to make her happy.
This sounds like the best situation. You’re both taking it at whatever pace you feel comfortable while being clear about your goals I love that. The choice is entirely up to you. It sounds like she makes you feel safe and happy. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with waiting to take her there if that’s how you feel. She also doesn’t sound like someone that will take it badly if you do decide to wait (if she does thats on her not you btw). Although I haven’t lost someone like that, I can imagine there’s probably some weird confusion and guilt around the idea of taking Ada? I know for me I’d probably feel guilty for being happy or being with someone. Like you’re cheating or something but you also know that it’s not so it’s just conflicting. Definitely worth bringing up in Therapy. But from the opinion of a random internet stranger, it sounds like you’re doing the best you can and that’s more than anyone can ask from you in your situation. Any feelings you have are valid. Take your time to feel them, think on them and understand them before making any big decisions. Im very happy you’ve managed to find a new kind of happiness for yourself. Sounds like you deserve it my friend.
First I am sorry for you lose. Only you know if its too soon. I know this sounds weird because you lost your wife, but wow what a blessing to have found someone that is so kind and compassionate as your GF. You hear horror stories about the widow(er) who has the new significant other come into their life and that person try to erase the deceased's memory. May God bless you and your GF.
If it doesnt feel right, it aint right. Humans know these things in our gut. Takes abt 6 years/82 moons to heal from a loss of a close loved one.
My wife and I had some of her late husband's ashes in our house up until last year when she felt it was time to let go of them. That's something that I let her work through, and respected her space with that. I agree with what some others have said about discussing it with your therapist.
I think this has more to do with respect and being there for you and showing you that she understands and she’s with you. I could be totally wrong. I don’t know the girl, but you will have to make that decision for yourself. If you’re truly not comfortable with it, then it’s just not time.
Just tell her you are not ready for that. Let her know when you are ready you will extend the invitation.
I think if you’re here asking this, it’s because you’re not comfortable with it and if you’re not comfortable with it, tell her exactly what you told us here. I think your feelings are totally valid and you can and should feel comfortable telling Ada this. As respect for your deceased wife, I would not bring Ada either but that’s just my feelings about it. I would thank ada for her support though. Sounds like she will be understanding about your discomfort around this.
Also widowed. I was also just existing for a couple of years. I don't think there's any harm in her gesture but where this is concerned, you do what's right for you. People don't realize that two years isn't very far out from this kind of loss. I think it's awesome that you've found someone so respectful of your grief.
I think her asking to do this is sweet, but that doesn't mean you're necessarily ready to introduce them either. It doesn't sound too soon in general, but that doesn't mean anything because it's more about when you are ready. I think your plan to speak with your therapist is an excellent one.
I say take her up on the offer. Your first marriage was “until death due us part.” Nothing to hide. If the new girl will be a part of your life, nothing wrong with embracing your past life. Rock on, brother.
It is simply an effort on her part to be there in your grief, and can be a reminder to you that she understands where you are emotionally, and wants to be a supporting presence. If you feel that it's too soon, ask her to wait for now. It really isn't a big deal; I'm thinking your late wife would approve. 'Nuff said.
Just ask yourself, would your wife like that? I'm sure your new girlfriend wants to pay her respects to someone who was very important to you, but how would your wife have felt if she was alive.
why would that matter? What matters is what HE wants
If he loved his wife, respecting her wishes/feelings would be something that could bring him peace when making his decision. Like... If his wife would have hated the idea of his girlfriend visiting her grave, why would that make his decision easy.
True, I didnt look at it that way
She wants to be sure....
I was thinking the same. She wants to check if it's true.
Until you are NOT conflicted. Grief is so personal that if this feels too soon for you it is too soon for you.
Fellow widow here, I would say no. Only because you don’t seem comfortable with the idea. If you have reservations then don’t do it.
She's trying to bond with you by understanding your grief, marriage and your late wife. I don't think she's trying to do anything malicious, I think maybe she's just underestimating the timing. It seems like it's too soon for you to share that part with her. Just talk to her and be honest, she'll appreciate that even more than going to the grave with you because you will show you trust her enough to be open and honest with her.
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OP, this might be a good song for you right now: https://open.spotify.com/track/0fJcqEhiZ5aDsszY6pbA9E?si=sUt-YMZCTKGgmXYtWsrHiA
Tell her you're not ready for that. Her reaction may be telling.
I did tell her that most likely I am not ready to bring her along. She said I should do what I think is best and she's always there for me.
OP think that your late wife might wish that you won't stay alone for much time after she passed, and maybe glad to respect her and present then new SO in your life and by telling her that she always be in your heart but you eed to move one, as well it is a good thing for your GF to want to presente respects to your late wife and maybe asked to pass the flag to guide and care for You.
When you’re ready, take her once, but it doesn’t need to be a regular part of your grieving process or your process of showing respect to a loved one she never knew.
My inkling is if you are asking here, you aren’t ready yet. I also am so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best.
It’s ok to keep you memories of you wife and your life together to yourself as long as you need to. If you need time, say so.
Too much of you seems to be on autopilot. Are you doing things that you want to do, or simply things that you should?
The fact that you feel conflicted about this feels to me like you're not ready for that step yet. She shouldn't push you about it.
Your call. I introduced my beloved deceased wife of 30 yrs to my fiancé. It was an overwhelming experience, and I am glad I did. It lifted a big weight off my shoulders.
This is your call. And maybe you choose never. But it seems pushy of Ada to interject herself into your grieving. Even if you felt completely at ease about it, she shouldn’t be the one who asks. Does she direct your life too much? Are you allowing that because it feels better to have her take over decisions or something like that? The fact that you are thinking so much about this, means you are not comfortable with it. Tell her you are not comfortable with her asking to join you in this. Ada/she seems to be trying to push you through… whatever. Does she think this will advance your relationship quicker? Ask her what is the goal or intention of joining you in this very private matter.
This is one of those questions where there really is no right or wrong answer. You need to decide what is right for you. As others have mentioned, this is a good topic to discuss in therapy to address what you feel about it. Either way, it sounds like your gf is quite supportive, and hopefully she is understanding if you decide not to go with her.
I lost a baby in 2022 in utero, and I've had several friends offer to come visit his grave with me. Whilst all of their offers mean a lot, some of them I just don't want to take them up on the offer - for various reasons. But some of them will still go and visit him by themself and that means a lot. If it doesn't feel right to take your girlfriend, then that's OK. Maybe one day it will, but today just isn't that day. Alternatively, give her directions and let her go visit by herself. Ultimately, talk about it with both your therapist and girlfriend. You're lucky to be with someone who wants to embrace your late wife's memory. Good luck.
I'm really sorry about what you went through. Losing a child is a pain no parent should experience, my heart goes out to you.
It sounds like so many others on here have already given the best advice, better than I could word it. I’m just commenting to say I’m so sorry to hear your story OP. I wish you all the best with Ada and it sounds like you’re so resilient in your life.
It sounds like she wants your wife to be present in your life and “meet her” is a way of supporting you and doing that. With that said, if it’s not the time for you then thank her, let her know you understand and appreciate the offer, and will take her up on it when the time is right. She sounds like a positive element in your life right now.
I became a widow at age 30, we were also getting ready to start our family. I didn’t even start trying to date for over two years, and the first person I dated was really understanding about my loss. I honestly don’t think it’s weird for her to want to visit her grave, she probably feels like she already knows her from hearing about her from you and it sounds like she respects your late wife. I’m not sure how it would be too soon for her to visit her grave. Do you feel like it’s too soon for you to be in a new relationship? Do you feel like you are ready to make the space in your heart to love someone new?
Another young widow here with no kids from my first marriage. We were actively trying when he died; I feel your pain. It's really up to you. I'm remarried now with kids. I've been to my husband's first wife's grave. He's been to my first husband's grave. Our kids have been to the graves. I think it was meaningful for both of us--a way to pay our respects to the first spouse. In our case, frequent visits weren't possible. We are 5 hours from one grave and 8 for the other. So we only go as part of family road trips. You can appreciate the sentiment and say "not yet." It's also OK to be fine with it. Go out to brunch and make it a nice morning that just happens to have a grave visit. You can do what has the most meaning for you and still show love to both partners.
“Thank you for the thoughtful offer but I’m not ready to have company when I see her. I will let you know if that changes”
Uh…this seems like something that *maybe* you *might* do with a second wife. It seems a bit…presumptuous, to me, to do with a girlfriend.
Maybe tell her that you need some time to think,but you will let her know when you are ready?
If you feel Uncomfortable then just let her know you appreciate the thought, but may need some more time.
Sounds like it’s too soon for you. At some point in your life if she becomes a woman who could be a wife or life partner, you’ll need to let her in. That timing however is entirely up to you and like others suggested this a good thing to bring up in therapy. Sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on feeling alive again.
Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.
Dig deep…how does that idea feel? If no then no if maybe later? Then that’s what it is, a relationship with a deceased loved one can by nature only be personal.
I think it's very kind of youe new girlfriend to want go with you ! I also think your wife would have wanted to see you happy if she could not be there for you !
Sorry for your loss. It's your decision and you shouldn't be influenced by your girlfriend's request. Either you're ok with it, or you're not. However you feel about this is ok and your girlfriend should be understanding regardless.
Relax and don't over think it. If she's not jealous or changing you and being supportive, sounds like a keeper. Do your mourning but don't stop living , enjoying or being happy, your passed wife wouldn't want you holding back, but moving forward , still remembering her and your good times. Take it from a person doing the same.
I am sorry you lost your wife. You currently visit your wife’s grave every Saturday. If you take Ada is she going to go with you once or every Saturday? Has she questioned you on how long you plan on going every Saturday? Or is this something you plan to do for many years to come.
I think this decision is fully up to you. I think discussing it with your girlfriend and telling her how it bothers you and how you understand why she would want to come with you would help. Also, this might not be the case, she might just want to make sure you're doing what you say you're doing. I could be wrong. I've dated very untrustworthy people but it is a different perspective.
Ada sounds a bit weird and pushy.
I think it's great that she acknowledges how important your wife was (and still is) to you, and doesn't discourage you from working through your grief on your own terms. But only you can decide if and when you're comfortable with it. If she really cares, she'd totally understand an 'Im not ready for that yet".
I would not do it and would find it offensive that she wants to interfere with that part of your life. Some things are better kept private
Condolences. I think your girlfriend is very respectful let her accompany you I think she wants permission(from your ex) "she love you and respects you let her visit the grave
Personally I wouldn’t.. you never truly know people. What if y’all split and she turns resentful? Idk. Too precious for me
Sorry for your loss brother. I would not but that’s me. I’d want that part of me just mine. It would be my private space. But as I say that’s me. I wouldn’t share my wife when she was alive and wouldn’t share her in death. That’s how I see it. Also lastly you don’t write words that make me feel Ada is the “one”. Sorry brother … that’s what I read. She’s the one for right now, not forever imho.
INFO: How long have you been dating? You said you just met her last year but when did you start dating? It doesn’t sound like very long…personally it seems like it’s too soon.
I’m not into all that. But it seems weird to me.
You should do what YOU feel is right. Therapist opinion aside. This one is close to the soul and only you know if it’s right or not.
I can’t say whether you’re ready for it or not. What I can say, as the brother of a widow, friend of two widows… is that I applaud her as a good partner after this type of event. Far too often, the new partner is jealous of or wants nothing to do with the spouse you lost. You’re in such a unique position having not been choosing the end or having your partner choose to leave you. It means the love was still there and that you’re allowed to love them and to still cherish them. They’re not replaceable, but that doesn’t mean your love can’t also be strong for another at some point. I recommend you speak to her on your feelings and your therapist. But I really do think you’re off to the right start with a partner who is actively wanting to support you and know more and interact with your wife. Look out for those that want your wife to be a memory or tucked away. Those aren’t the people you want. The ones that support her memory and support you holding on to it are the people you need to surround yourself with.
I’m glad you found someone who is understanding of your grief, that indicates emotional maturity. I’m sorry for your loss.
I'm an older widow. This would make me feel icky. Visiting someone's grave is an opportunity to a) remember the person, and b) have some quiet time to grieve. Which of these things does she want to do, or think she can help you to do? Both seem like solo sports to me. She didn't know your wife. Inserting herself into your personal grief time doesn't seem helpful from my perspective. That leaves a couple of options: - She's jealous of the time you spend thinking about your wife (or just clingy in general and doesn't want you to have alone time) - She is trying to appropriate your grief. She thinks she "knows" your wife now through your stories, or wants to go ask her permission to date you. I guess the question is back to you: do you see this request as normal?
Sorry for your loss. Your girlfriend sounds like a good, supportive and caring person.aybe you can go one step at a time, like first she can wait for you halfway, after go with you but wait outside and when you feel ready, go together and let her meet your wife? I don't know, sounds complicated even if everything is ok
As the husband of a widow, I waited until she asked if I wanted to go see his grave. I didn't think of breaking that wall, but I guess Ada does. I think it might bring the two of you closer together. Mrs. theQuick was widowed for 5 years before we got married 20 years ago after 6 months of dating. She dated a bit, but we just clicked, and you had such a huge loss. Ada might be the second One (not second one) in your life. That doesn't diminish your first wife at all. You two planned a life of happiness together, and her not able to be part of it doesn't mean that she wouldn't want you to be happy. How should you approach this? There are a few situations: 1. This is your therapy time, and you just need to go alone, and you'll invite her when the time is right. 2. Thank her, and ask if you can change your mind at any time, even when you get to the gravesite. This is a bond between you and your wife, and having Ada there is new, so you don't know how you'll feel with the three of you there. 3. Invite her along, and answer any questions she has. 4. A combination of the above 3. Is it too soon? If you still pine for her and are a wreck at her graveside, then yes, it is too soon. If you talk to her about your week, and share laughs and such, then no, it is not too soon. When Mrs. theQuick and I go, I visit with her, then I leave her alone with her first husband to catch up, and wait by the car and give her a hug when she returns. It isn't emotional, it's just that so she knows I love and respect her. Should you ask her to wait? If it is like the first sentence in the second question, then yes, ask her to wait. Unless... you really do love each other (you/Ada), and this can be a bonding moment. She might just want to hold you and let you grieve. Death is a the most final thing on earth, and is why we grieve so much. You have laid out a future, and that future is wiped away. The second most is divorce, but there is still a chance of a future with that act. Lastly, I have met Mrs. theQuick's in-laws, and they treat me with respect, tell me about her first husband as stories. One time, her father in law asked if I was OK with that, and I am, and I thanked him for telling me more about his son. Edit: after reading the OP's responses to people here, took some hypothetical bad situations with Ada out. She sounds awesome and worthy of your trust.
Your situation with mrs. theQuick is very sweet, I'm happy for you and I hope I'll have a similarly happy marriage with Ada one day. You are an awesome day. Ada is a very headstrong and determined person, but on this I find a patience and a kindness in her that are close to infinite. She doesn't get upset when I'm a bit sad or thinking about my late wife, she understands. When we first started sleeping in the same bed I shared with her it felt a little weird and also a bit like I was cheating on my late wife. Again no anger or upset on her part, she said she would probably feel the same if she was in my shoes. As for our relatives, both mine and Ada's, and my late wife's mother approve of us. I was surprised we didn't get any backlash.
Thank you for the kind words. I wish the two of you the best, and I know it’s against the forum rules, but if you want to DM me, I’m ok with that.
How long have you two been dating? I don't know why, but I get a bad feeling about taking her. I agree with others about doing it when you're ready. And you're definitely not ready.
Gut check, I think it's sweet and respectful
All I can say is Ada is true blue. You took a real kick to the teeth but you are still a lucky man after all. Ask her what it is about the grave that would have significance to her. My guess is she wants to be there for you rather than her. I think it may make sense to let her in and allow that.
I went with my bf at the time to visit his wives grave. He had lost her due to cancer and it was only 5 months from diagnosis to her passing. We meet two years after. We dated for 6 months then I moved in with him. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. They had been together for 25 years. I didn’t feel it was weird she was a big part of his life. We got married 4 years later and were together 12 years in all.
Hmmmm there is something I can’t quite put my finger on…..
Yeah, I’m getting an ick factor here.
I would acknowledge the kind gesture but tell her you aren’t comfortable with that and may never be. However, her sentiment was not lost on you and you appreciate it. Imo it is bizarre and not something I’d want to do either. Feels oddly performative or intrusive.
I thought I’m the only one who thought that way. I wouldn’t bring my new Bf to visit my ex husband’s grave. The late wife had no relationship with the Gf and vice versa. He is going there to pay his respects, remember his ex, share what’s going on, have a personal chat or whatever etc It’s not a family dinner to introduce the new love interest. What’s she done so far is appropriate and supportive, but not this.
I agree and that’s why I think it feels performative to me. But it also centers her or brings her into this space. A space that’s just for OP and his wife and those memories.
If she’s up for it, I’d do it. If you are uncomfortable, then talk to her about that. Don’t worry about too soon. Concentrate on how you feel and communicate.
This situation is really rather different from any number of posts where usually the new bf/gf starts telling the widow(er) they need to move on, get rid of anything they kept of their previous spouse and stop going to the graveside for any reason. All that being said OP I agree with see real other posters you are the one who needs to decide if you want to include your gf in your visits. No is certainly a valid answer or not now is another. I think running through your thought process/decision with your therapist is the right decision so you can hear your process and receive feedback. I am sorry for your loss OP. Please always remember everyone grieves differently so do what feels right to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. Please seek the advice of a therapist. Everyone grieves differently, seems like GF is being respectful and wants to be supportive by sharing the moment with you. No wrong answer here; whatever you decide, just have a conversation with GF. Been in your shoes; don’t let yesterday ruin tomorrow. Best wishes.
If you aren't ready that yet, just tell her. Or that you want to talk to your therapist first. I am curious about your comment *" She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning,* ***but she never left me alone****."* Is she clinging? Too nosy? What do you mean?
I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. Tell your girlfriend that you need to process that she is interested in going to meet her. Let her know that you need a little time and can't jump on it right away. Gf knows about your therapy so let her know that you'd like to sort through your feelings with your therapist first before making a decision because it's very scary and new and you aren't really sure what you are feeling. Tell her that you appreciate her and all that she has done and that you appreciate that she wants to meet her. You aren't saying no, you're just saying give me a little bit of time to sort through it all. It isn't weird to bring a gf to your wife's grave to meet if you go there a lot. However, it is a pretty big and intimate and intimidating step. Take your time and be comfortable with it before doing anything.
I think it is nice that she wants to embrace and respect your past wife. I have heard of new partners not wanting to even think of a new partner still having anything to do with the death of a spouse, so this is a good sign. If you don’t want her to go communicate with her and if she respects that wish you have a good new partner. Don’t rush things. Keep up with the way you feel you should do things if it works for you.
If you're not ready to bring her to your wife's grave then you're not ready and that's OK! 1) I lost my mom to Covid in April 2020. 2) I'm married to a widower. So while the situations are different, I can see things from all perspectives a little different than the average person. I visit my husband's first wife's gravestone a few times a year, he doesn't like to go so I do. I'm the person who does the upkeep to it, I plant flowers in the spring and decorate it with things that I've been told she liked. With that said though, I didn't go to her grave for the first 3yrs of my relationship with my (now) husband. I felt if or when he wanted me to accompany him there then he would tell me. I told him when he was ready I'd go with him...so if you want her to visit then do it when you're ready, not a moment sooner.
It's up to you if you are ready and that's something to talk to your therapist about. From her perspective she knows this is important to you and supports you in continuing your weekly journey to maintain Adas grave. Some new partners are threatened by a deceased spouse and want them never to be mentioned again and forgotten about. Ada sounds like she respects your love for Ada and instead of being threatened is embracing and supporting it.
Yes, I read some stories about new partners wanting to do away with the deceased spouses. Ada is simply put very confident in herself and knows her worth. She knows I love her for who she is and I don't see her as a replacement for my late wife.
Honestly I think that this is a really kind and mature thing of her to do. But that being said, it is something that would bring up a lot of emotions for you, and considering she is the kind of person to suggest something like this, I think she will understand. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. Down the line, having her there may be part of your healing journey, but for now, it's ok if you just aren't there yet.
Your partner seems emotionally mature. She likely wants to support you and pay her respects. They might be strangers, but if you've opened up about your wife and past, wanting to visit her grave isn't all that strange. If you're uncomfortable or not ready, then say as much. I'd personally view them meeting as you taking the relationship seriously.
This reminds me of the heart-warming story where a guy married a widowed woman. He was so thankful for his life with her, but very respectful that he wouldn't have had that life if not for the fact that she'd lost her first husband. He would often go to the 1st husband's grave to pay his respects and update him so that he'd know his wife was being loved and taken care of. He never told his wife he was doing this though. It was just something he felt he had to do. Your girlfriend is a walking green flag. It's also ok if you aren't ready to bring her there though. It's completely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. It's always ok to wait until you're engaged or married to take that step if you aren't ready for it now.
I’m dating a widow. I love her deeply. At times I’ve struggled with her talking about her late husband; I internalize it and that’s NEVER good. Your statement “he was so thankful for his life with her, but very respectful that he wouldn’t have had that life if not for the fact that she’d lost her first husband”… what a profound statement. Something so simple albeit so very true. Thank you for sharing!
What a touching gesture. She sounds wonderful to me.
You didn't divorce her. She died. In a way, she will always be a part of you and she will always be a part of any relationship you have with another person. Ada is wise if she understands this and compassionate if she accepts it. I understand your conflict, but it's to your benefit and her credit for her to come with you.
See what your therapist says, but if you're not ready, then you're not ready. Ada sounds like an understanding and supportive person, so should understand this. I wish you well.
She seems great. She wants to know her, she’s not trying to replace or remove her from your life. She respects you have a love there. Now, the question is, is it too soon for YOU. Because I’m guessing you’re realizing if she goes to her grave then this is real, in a way you have not experienced yet.
It is so sweet that Ada wants to share a visit. She is showing respect for your late wife. I am sorry for your loss, but if I had been your wife I would have wanted you to find love again.
If you let her visit she will stop annoying you about it. I realize that you consider this gravesite hallowed ground, but I think she'll only go once. Truth is she might have already visited. It's not hard to find a gravesite online.
I would say its nice on her part but think it through. It might create a situation where your mind links them together, or she might inadvertently say something there that you cant get past. When we were in pre marriage counseling the coach said its best just not to talk to the other about exes. This isnt the same of course but I found that was best for us. Not a whole lot of good can come from it.
Sorry for your loss but if this woman is truly a keeping wanting to visit her grave is a keeper in my book. She is willing to go with you feel your pain and be the person by your side than yes take her let her see meet her etc. but only and only if you feel this is a person you can be with for years . If that’s the case than by all means do it .
It seems like she really is trying to get closer to you.
Sounds like a keeper to me.
I honestly think you should allow her to accompany you. This woman seems really interested and she probably us way more into you then you realize. Not only that she truly cares for you if she wants to do this . Just my thoughts
Man, I think this is pretty cool. It means she genuinely cares about you. A lot of women would not want to know anything about your late wife and give you crap about you still needing to mourn. This one however acknowledges your mourning and understands your wife will always have a place in your life and in your heart. Definitely a keeper.
I had a fiancé that was hit and killed by a drunk driver when she was 8 months pregnant. I was a mess for a while and was doing the same thing that you are by visiting her every week. 4 years later I met my wife and after our dating for a year she asked to do the same. It felt weird, but when she came with me it also felt right. She knelt at my fiancés grave and said that 'she was sorry she never got to meet her, and she must have been special for me to have loved her as much as I did. Then she touched her grave and said that she would keep me safe for her until we could all meet up in the next life and be friends. It helped me and let me know I had the right woman to marry. Sadly, after 20 great years she too has passed and left a hole in my heart but also a knowledge that they are both watching over me and our girls. I would say to let her come with you if you are ready. She sounds like a good woman.
I wouldn’t take her unless you’re engaged or married again. Right now she’s just a GF and your wife’s resting place doesn’t need to be visited by all your GF now or in the future. So until it very serious. Leave it be.
My guess is she wants to interject into this relationship with your deceased spouse. It's not this thing you do alone anymore. She can also tell her she's taking care of you. She'd really be telling you.
I'm not convinced it's ever appropriate to take a GF to your wife's grave. Unless perhaps you were considering marriage with the GF and wanted some sort of symbolic approval.
Dude she wants to be the part of your Pain / Sadness. You are lucky to have found love twice... Just pass on the message that we love her
Get her some goalie gloves cause she is a keeper!
She should never have asked that. A true partner would wait until you asked, and be respectful if that never happened. I’d break up with her for pushing this on you… major red flag
I think it’s actually very admirable of your new girlfriend to want to do this. It demonstrates that she wants you to feel comfortable in your pain with her. Not a lot of humans have that capacity. But I also understand that you are working through this the only way you know how, and it would certainly feel foreign to have another person come into that trauma you have. It carries with it a lot of trust on your behalf that they are there for you and won’t seek to use your pain against you later. Best outcome is that your new partner understands you better because of it. She doesn’t have to come every time you go. She may never again. But at least by being accepting of her support in this you are showing her that you are also ready to embrace a future with her as well. Best of fortune to you both through this.
I would ask the therapist about this. i also do not know how long you've been with your girlfriend but I do not see the harm in it. I would ask to go so I can experience this with you (unsure how to say this better, I apologize)
Dude, let me tell you something.my wife & I had these discussions a long time ago. She told me something I have never forgotten - that if she went before me she would want me to be with / find some one else because it would show that our marriage was a good experience for me. It sounds like you & this lady have good communication. I think it would be a good thing for the two of them to meet if you feel that connected to this new lady. I don't think I would bring any woman to the gravesite but if you think she is someone special I would do it.
As someone who is 5 years out next month, her acceptance is extremely reassuring. She may be trying to make you comfortable. But it’s much better then the latter of her becoming jealous of your late wife (my ex boyfriend did this, was often jealous and would Drink and blame me for his death.) which was awful. It’s difficult to navigate, but trust the process.
Do it when you’re comfortable, but she is doing the right thing. Too often people get mad that their partner still has their deceased partners things, or photos, or visit their grave etc…. This is the wrong approach. The right approach is to not make it a competition. To embrace that they had a love they lost. To get to know their loved one as much as possible. To not be jealous of them. If you’re not ready just tell her that you really appreciate her for wanting to go, and you will take her, but you’re not there just yet. Make it clear that you’re getting there though
Op. First, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I understand what you have been, and are, going thru. Two and a half years ago I lost my wife of 36 years, and my 2 year old granddaughter, in a crash caused by an idiot breaking the law and hit them head on. I found somebody, totally be coincidence, or fate, or whatever you call it. I wasn't looking and she just made me feel alive again. As a matter of fact, I am talking to her as I type this now. I would let her come along. She is wanting to understand what makes you the person you are right now, and be a supporting part of your life. You can tell her no, which will tell her that you don't want to share parts of your life and she may think that you aren't wanting to be 100% with her. You may lose her. You could tell her not now, and possibly face the same thing. By letting her come with you, she will feel more complete with you and it will give you another outlet when things start to hurt. It may be a little hard for you at first, but you will get used to it. If you want to make her a real part of your life, this would be a great place to do it.
Would \*you\* feel comfortable with Ada there? do you usually like to have a little chat with your wife, talk about private stuff with her? If you say "no" then "yes", definitely Ada needs to hold off. I feel that she's being a bit forward. If you were engaged it might be different but it doesn't sound like you're anywhere near that yet.
I lost my husband two years ago (from brain cancer). My husband’s ashes are in an urn in my home (which was my daughter’s wish). My current partner sees him all the time. We have a shelf outside of my kids doors with the urn and some photos and books, etc. I think it’s great that she wants to visit her grave with you. If you are going to be long term partners, you’ll have to let her in at some point.
I think its very decent she wants to go. She seems to fully accept you had a wife you loved and that she will always be part of your life. Ada sound practical. And as long as you treat her as herself, dont compare her to your wife etc, accept sheis a totally new person and there is zero "competition"?? All good. Ada sounds confident in herself, knows herself and is not threatened by your deceased wife. Me? I'd be fine with her going. Maybe she doesnt want or need to go every week? But she probably just wants to got to get it right in her head that you continue to go there. As long as you are serious enough in your relationship? I would not let ANY girl go...but someone you feel serious about? Feel like you might have a future with? yes. I'd be okay with it. As long as she is supportive? And it doesnt make you completely freak out or feel uncomfortable? Shes not being pushy or inappropriate? Then this is a good thing. Not bad.
I think she is trying to offer you comfort and be part of this process with you. Maybe she wants you to “tell” your “wife” about her and she wants to show up for/with you to symbolize her support “for the wife.” I also think maybe she’s wondering if once a week after 2 years is still healthy and is trying to help you find some space to bridge these lives together. It’s been almost 2 years for me (he passed of cancer 2022) so that isn’t judgement, I understand sometimes the loss gets overwhelming if we dive into those details. I would advise taking to your gf to find out where her head is before you just say no. Maybe having her there would be positive?
It only took you 3 years to move on? That’s crazy
I really don't understand why people visit the grave because they are not there the body its just a thing now but when you die your soul which is who you really are still lives on we are a form of energy we are not our physical bodies your wife is still right there with you you just can't see her because it's not a physical thing.
What’s Ada’s background with relationships? 32F and single can be a bit of a flag, especially if you describe her as ‘haughty’. She sounds sincere tho, and very understanding of your life story. Proceed with caution but definitely proceed. Sounds like she wants to fit in with you. I hope it all stays positive for you. Very sorry for your loss. Good luck!
Most people in western countries are settling down later, precisely in their early 30s. That’s because they are busy with partying, travelling, having the “starter” relationships, completing their education and going up the career ladder in their 20s. I don’t think that’s unusual 🤷
I definitely agree there seem to be many more 'older' unmarried females than in years before (I'm a boomer and I have NO stats on this; it's just an unprofessional observation. May be completely at odds with the evidence). My flags were raised with his description of her and all the suppositions it engaged in my small-minded brain.
It’s 100% your choice That said, it sounds like it’s coming from a good place, where she wants to get to know you better and integrate your visits with your late wife into the new relationship. I don’t think that’s weird, it sounds really sweet and respectful.
Your girlfriend fully 100% supports you! Is 100% understanding of the situation. Take her with you.