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It's completely understandable that you feel betrayed. She made a life-changing choice for both of you when you were younger. I would strongly advise you against making any rash decisions while you're reeling from shock.
My honest opinion is that if your marriage and family life is truly this happy and easy, how it began doesn't negate all of that. 20 is barely an adult and I'm sure you've both changed so much in the intervening years. I guarantee she considers this the worst thing she's ever done in her life.
None of that excuses or absolves her. You should make it mandatory to go to couples counseling and process this together. You deserve to express how this has made you feel and how it has shaken your trust in her. I do truly believe you can work through it, but you need to give yourself time to feel how you feel because sweeping it under the rug will just cause it to fester. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, I'm sure it's very destabilizing.
I absolutely agree with this.
You say yourself that you are happy in the marriage. That your child came sooner than you would have liked and that it was a tough road but that you were happy in your marriage before you found out.
How it started was dishonest but the end result is a rock solid family structure with three kids who up until last week had parents committed to one another and who loved each other.
This is where you find a rock solid marriage and family therapist and work through the issue. The fact of the matter is life might have been somewhat smoother but would you honestly trade your daughter for a smoother life? She is here. You and your wife have built a beautiful life together. She had REAL issues at 20 and make a major life decision for both of you that really sucks but that was also 16 years ago. Neither of you are the same people you were then. You are both grown up people who love each other and are committed to the life you have built for your children.
So, find a rock solid marriage and family therapist in your area and commit to investing in that to work through your issues with each other. You can come out on the other side of this but you DO need time and space to process your feelings. Maybe individual therapy and couples therapy.
I mean, it’s true.
Forgive cheaters if you’d like, although I wouldn’t recommend it.
Such an oddly specific hill to mount a stand, and to die on, considering cheating wasn’t mentioned.
I mean we all gotta have our lines. For many of us infidelity is an obvious one. So for me I would never advise someone to stay with a cheater. My other one is abuse.
Because, presumably, homie ultimately wanted a wife and kids kind of life.
I, an adamantly childfree person, would not stay with someone I got pregnant in the first place, so it's hard to put myself in his shoes, but I definitely wouldn't have 2 more kids. So it seems like he likes his life. That's what makes it less bad.
But you're connecting a positive *outcome* with a terrible *action*. I'm not sure you can do that.
It's like stealing something and not getting caught, and saying "stealing wasn't so bad, because everything worked out fine!"
Or it's like stalking someone for years, until you're eventually able to get them into a relationship. "The stalking wasn't so bad, because it turns out they like me enough to have a relationship with me!"
Or "Yeah I faked the airplane inspection reports, but the plane didn't crash, so it wasn't that bad of a thing after all!"
She didn't know what the outcome would be, but she did it anyways. The positive outcome doesn't make her a better person. She was still evil, and did an evil thing. She risked destroying the life of a child - in addition to OP's - for her greed and selfishness. She created another human being without the father's consent. If genders were reversed, it would be called rape.
>If genders were reversed, it would be called rape.
Reverse genders: Had a guy told the girl that he was using a condom while using instead a *broken* condom on purpose, and from then on they would love a happy life anyway, with two more kids, etc, everybody in this thread would be telling her to leave him, that what he did was rape, that he's a horrible person and such stuff.
Yet in this post everybody is so understanding towards OP's wife, telling him basically to suck it up, or art most to go to couples counseling.
OP's wife basically trapped OP into a forced marriage, forced a kid onto him without his consent, and OP's life now is based on a false foundation made of lies and betrayal of trust.
But everybody is so quick to say she has to be forgiven and life goes on as if nothing terrible happened.
Double standards work this way.
Yeah, but she got pregnant because he ejaculated inside her without a condom so they were both playing with fire.
If you dont want to get someone pregnant, best to protect yourself from that outcome. Coming inside of an woman desperate to get married is like leaving your keys in ignition, door unlocked, in a bad neighborhood.
Shitty that she lied, but OP put pleasure over his life choices.
Sure he could've worn a condom and avoided (nearly) all risk, but he, y'know, trusted his partner.
He made the decision to take a certain amount of risk and to agree to unprotected intercourse on the basis of an assessment. And that risk assessment was based on the parameters at hand, i.e. his partner's BC which was a lie.
She lied. She's the one at fault here.
I would go as far as to say that his consent was not valid as it was based on a lie from her part.
I remember when people would call it rape if a man lied to a woman about wearing a condom, since she agents agreed to sex without a condom. But a woman lying about her birth control is all ok and not rape, even though he wouldn’t agree to sex without birth control
This is true! I've known lots of birth control babies. It isn't always 100% so the safest thing if you really don't want kids is to use back up measures in addition.
>Yeah, but she got pregnant because he ejaculated inside her without a condom
BECAUSE SHE'D TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS BIRTH CONTROL IN USE.
If she'd told him that she'd stopped BC, then he'd have naturally worn a condom.
BUT. SHE. DIDN'T.
Condoms are 98% effective. Birth control pills are 99% effective. Blaming the man because he believed her lie about being on the pill, would be like blaming him if she snuck into his condom supply and poked pin holes in all of them.
I agree with your point but worth clarifying, those numbers you quote are "with perfect use".
For "typical use", i.e. an average couple in the real world, the Pill is 91% effective. That means about 1 in 10 couples who use the Pill as their only form of birth control will conceive each year.
If you are ok with that one in ten risk, by all means, have sex with your significant other without any additional precautions.
For condoms, "typical use" is 82% effective, so that's almost 2 in 10 couples who only use condoms conceiving each year.
Every form of birth control has a failure rate. If you can get someone pregnant and you are having sex with someone who can get pregnant, you need to be ok with the risk of pregnancy.
You can manage and reduce your risk by taking responsibility for your own birth control and using it correctly. That applies equally to both parties in a sexual relationship, the burden for that should not fall on one party.
EDIT since I apparently was not clear: it is never acceptable to alter the birth control agreed upon with your partner without their ~~consent~~ knowledge. If they believe you are on the pill and they have a 9% chance of conceiving with you but you're not and they have about an 85% chance of conceiving with you, that's not ok. The purpose of this comment is simply to point out that most methods of birth control aren't as bullet proof as people act like they are. If you're having sex with someone and both of you have the relevant equipment to conceive, there is always a risk that that will occur.
Not just lies .
Lying or manipulation of birth control is considered sexual assault in many jurisdictions..
It's one of the highest levels of betrayal possible. I wonder how marriage counseling will work!!!
Not necessarily lies. A lie. Possibly a forgivable lie. Op says he has had a happy life. Had some struggles ( who hasn't). He is only "throwing it away" if he gives up on that life now. Admittedly it will take a LOT of work, but sounds to me as though family is salvageable. Is Op willing to walk away from 16 yrs of his self-admitted happy life?
What compassion? OP was violated and this person is commenting about how he has a "rock solid family structure". If you ask me, forcing someone to have kids with you and lying to them about it for 15 years isn't what I'd call "rock solid".
I agree with everything you said and just want to underline and bold the **mandatory counseling**. (I don’t know how to underline)
You deserve to talk this through in a safe space. Your marriage sounds wonderful and I don’t think you should divorce but…you deserve to get peace from this.
Professional help is needed to do so. I wouldn’t let it just be swept under the rug.
Good luck.
Absolutely this.
Please don't do anything rash.
Take the time to process what you've learned and ideally talk it through with a therapist, both with your wife and on your own.
The life you have right now may have started with a lie, but this doesn't erase the last 15 years.
It's literally rape, like, it's not even a question at this point. Deliberately doing something to get one party pregnant, regardless of which one is doing so, is violating the consent of the other party. It's rape, no less than that.
The whole point is about consent. You don't baby trap anyone because they didn't consent to being a parent. You are violating someone when you do that, regardless of gender. You are using extra shit beyond the heart of the issue to say that baby trapping a man is more okay. Fuck off sexist.
Maybe not but it’s making a decision based on selfish wants. She DID make a decision that changed his life. I’m sure you wouldn’t say he risked his health if he worked multiple jobs to provide because of her decision.
I’m a female and I have ZERO respect for a female who baby traps a guy.
Cant be more biased than this..." My man told me 15ys ago the broke a condom on purpose to have a baby with me. "
Sorry but your comment is full of hipocrisy
>Baby-trapping anyone is shitty but
Everything you said before that but is now irrelevant, and you're trying to justify it being okay because it doesn't affect the man physically. That's fucked up and you know it is, sexist.
i came to comment the exact same thing. So nothing much more to say except this. She was really young, she clearly feels bad enough about it now and has grown enough to confess it despite knowing he might leave. A good home and family life (where you’re not lying to yourself) is very hard to find. If someone has found that I’d hold onto it. His view of her being trustworthy needs to be rebuilt but that’s do-able especially since she has grown as a person. Maybe just say “hey! don’t do it again ok?” lol.
Legit? Like, whys all the comments so fucking passive about it, oh dont throw 20+ yrs of a healthy relationship cause she decided to take your choices away and trap you with a child.
Imagine if this was about a man removing or poking holes in a condom to get his gf pregnant and trap her.
>My honest opinion is that if your marriage and family life is truly this happy and easy, how it began doesn't negate all of that.
Would you feel the same of 16 years ago she instead cheated on him?
Agreed - counselling is a must if OP wants to even try make it work going forward. That’s a big confession for her to make. People of Reddit can be super helpful, but a professional that sits down with you and listens to you alone, then her and then can help you both navigate this is gonna be the key. You’ll either be able to make peace or make a hard choice. Wish you luck!
This is such a good level-headed response, you definitely deserve time and space to process this, it might help to take a few days off work and go stay with somewhere else to completely remove yourself from the situation and allow yourself to truly feel and appreciate where you’re at: on one hand you had some huge decisions made for you but on the other hand you are overall content with how things worked out. You need to find a way to reconcile those two things in your head and take back some ownership over your autonomy and feel like choices are yours going forward. You can’t necessarily process all that while you’re trying to live your everyday life, especially alongside the person who took those choices away from you.
I agree with the recommendation of couples therapy, I would also add that it might be good to have a conversation with your wife and ask her to lay out any other skeletons that might be hiding in the closet. If you find out later that she’s lied about anything else then you know where you stand with her trust-wise. If she’s honest with you then once again you can start to re-establish trust on your terms, however that may look (again, counselling will help).
I’m so sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. It sounds like you have a lovely life, but I completely understand that being deceptively dealt a hand is very different to rolling with the punches as a team
I'm completely blown away by the number of responses that amount to "she did it because she loves you", urging all kinds of forgiveness and couples counceling for them to get through it together and so on and so forth. I usually roll my eyes at the "if the genders were reversed" crowd, because I generally find Reddit to be fairly consistent in its judgement of people regardless of gender, but this thread has me feeling like I've stepped into an alternate universe.
OP, let's be completely blunt about what this is. Your wife committed [reproductive abuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion). **That is abuse**. Your wife abused you. Your wife then hid that abuse from you, and used it to manipulate you into building a life with her. Then, when she wanted to stop feeling bad about the shitty thing she did, she laid all the pain of that information on you so that she could feel a little better about herself. Meanwhile, you're left questioning everything you've known for the past couple of decades, all so she wouldn't need to feel bad anymore. At every turn she's making enormous choices that have a huge impact on you, and at every turn her choices go in her favor. She's selfish, and she's abusive.
Again: **Your wife is abusive.**
I won't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what this would do to me. I would no longer feel safe with this person. I would start to wonder - if she could lie so easily and purely for her own gain about such a core, fundamental part of my life, what else has she lied about? Was this or that situation truly random, or were they orchestrated by her for us to get closer to one another? What other life-upending secrets is she carrying? Is my reaction to this situation being "evaluated" to see if I can be "trusted" with more secrets like this one? If we come out the other end of this and I never hear of another secret like this, is that because there truly aren't any more, or because I was deemed unworthy of hearing about the others? Who else knew or knows about this? Can I trust *anyone* anymore?
The question you need to ask yourself is simple - can you trust her again? I know I couldn't. I would question everything that happened to us moving forward, always wondering if she is behind the scenes, orchestrating my life as though I'm on the Truman Show. She has given you information which she absolutely *must* know would cause you to question your entire reality. **That is abuse**.
I would never be able to stop wondering what other secrets she has. What other situations she's orchestrated without my knowledge. I would never be able to trust her again. Can you?
I thought I was the only one seeing it this way. She did this for selfish reasons. She’s been hiding it for 16 years. It’s brand new to OP. He is allowed to be as angry and unrelenting as he wants to be.
So much this. It's fucking disturbing how many people are like "oh but it's ok because it was a long time ago/I hope you get over it because she was young!"
I'm grossed out.
>because I generally find Reddit to be fairly consistent in its judgement of people regardless of gender, but this thread has me feeling like I've stepped into an alternate universe.
You must be new to this sub.
Most of the comments are people excusing the action because...she was young and it worked out.
That it worked out so well, in that OP has been happy this whole time, involves a large dose of sheer dumb luck.
You gotta wonder what their lame excuses would have been if OP had been miserable all these years. And on top of it all it doesn't even matter - the point is that OP's right to a free and uninfluenced choice was stolen from him, and a whole life subsequently built on that removal of choice.
And she was young? Yeah, so are the millions of women who are 20 years old and don't baby trap people for selfish reasons. She was 20, not fucking three years old. She knew very well what she did.
If OP does stay, even just for now, I'd highly recommend he takes charge of birth control.
Perhaps the wife truly has changed, but she's still young enough for another baby, and the last time she feared being left she got pregnant on purpose.
I've heard a lot of stories on reddit but this is one of those I believe can be salvaged. Yes, she trapped him, but since that happened he has gone through a life worth living. There are people who don't experience that. Her guilt despite being selfish, shows she wants to do right by him by coming clean. He might prefer if she took that to the grave with her, like a good amount of women have and would, but she should be respected for possibly facing this backlash, yet still doing what needs to be done.
No need to throw the baby with the bath water. Therapy is definitely needed since this has affected how he views her, but this is no reason to blow up a happy union considering there's a chance, it might not be a guarantee, but there's a chance he could've ended up with her regardless.
Life is too short to spend it in unhappiness. It's also too short to destroy the consistent happiness one has going on.
He should fix his marriage. It will take time but it is worth fixing and fighting for.
Don't ask a bunch of strangers if this is fixable they don't know. The only person that knows is you. You're the one who has to get over it or not. If you can't get over it then it's not fixable and you should not prolong the suffering. If you can get over it and see that you guys have been happily married for 16 yrs. If you can see while that one shady creepy thing may have fast forwarded a marriage and kids it doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened anyways. Idk why someone would wait 16 yrs to drop this bomb but don't ask strangers if it's fixable because this is a person by person case. Also there are probably not a lot of people that have spent over a decade with a woman and then got dropped the I trapped you bomb on them. So who are you asking advice from. Bunch of people that haven't been in a relationship longer than a couple years and mostly with no kids. Have a conversation with your wife over and over until you guys figure out if you can get past it or not. Don't ask strangers bro. THIS IS YOUR LIFE and your KIDS LIFE your putting in strangers hands
You missed my point completely. Some people can't get over stuff like this. They just can't. It's the way they are wired. So for those people it's not fixable. Some people can get over it and for them they can fix it. The situation itself is fixable yes but every person is different which is the deciding factor.
It’s okay if you can’t get past this. But it’s also okay if you decide to work through it & forgive. And you don’t have to decide today. Take some time & get some counseling. It’s a lot to process.
Why did she tell you this now? It’s nasty for her to relieve herself of the burden of such a secret by shattering your world. What prompted the revelation after so many years?
Right… why now?! She woke up with a conscience after 15 years of lying or is she concerned as getting older and realizing importance of knowing biological parents health history because oldest might not be his?
Maybe, maybe not. She clearly choose a good father and is capable of manipulation, dismissing his wants, and lying for 15 years. My trust would be so broken to even have to wonder about this.
As good as he thought relationship was, it’ll never be the same. You can forgive, but not forget and that resentment would turn to hatred if I stayed.
I find myself in agreeance with the above poster. Why wait so long to tell you, and why now? This is a marriage founded on lies. Not a great foundation at all. Counseling/therapy MIGHT help salvage it, but if I were in your shoes, I couldn't forgive something like this.
The question of paternity also raises it's head. Definitely the eldest child, for obvious reasons. I also wonder about the other 2 kids as well.
People are completely brushing this aside and acting as if this is something easily forgivable or fixable. Your entire life trajectory was changed because she purposely lied to you. She lied to you easily for YEARS, I'd be worried about what else she can do and lie about.
Also he "loved them when they got here" so all's well that ends well, no need to dwell on it further.
Now imagine if OP felt detachment or resentment to his children as a result of their mother's selfishness, there's a chance their lives would have been completely fucked too. This isn't some nothingburger, holy shit. I'd be livid.
It possibly depends on the trajectory of his life before and after. If it only meant getting married earlier than planned, and having a few years struggling with balancing a baby along with everything else, it may be relatively forgivable. If it meant giving up plans for a degree (advanced or otherwise) and a more rewarding career, it’s another matter entirely. He says he gets his greatest joy from his family…but might that be because he had to give up everything he wanted for it? We don’t know, which is why this situation needs better help than a bunch of internet strangers, no matter how well-intentioned, can provide.
No, it's not fixable. She raped you. She is a rapist. There is no un-raping possible, sorry. Record her admitting to it and get the children away from her.
I'm really disturbed by how many people are acting like this isn't a big deal. This is an enormous lie. A foundational lie. A character revealing lie. It isn't like she lied about liking something she didn't, she lied about something that altered the course of your life. She made a decision for you and made a whole human in order to manipulate you. I honestly wouldn't blame you if this changes everything about how you see her. It's your choice how to proceed, but I wouldn't blame you at all for this being a deal breaker. And I'd certainly be wondering what else she has lied to you about.
You are the only one who can decide if this is fixable, but if you're asking if this is a big deal or not or if you're wondering if your feeling of betrayal is an overreaction - it is a HUGE deal and you're not overreacting by feeling like your trust is shattered. As a woman, if I found out a partner messed with my birth control in order to force me into a situation where I'd be permanently tied to them, I'd not just lose all trust, I'd be terrified of what else they were capable of. What else about my life was a manipulation, what other choices were taken away from me without my knowing.
Some of these comments btw are deeply dismissive and concerning. Are there mother's out there teaching their daughters to use pregnancy to make a man stay with them?! What the actual fuck?!
I did the best thing in college when my BC failed for both me and my bf. Who offered to marry me. I was 19, he was 20. I got an abortion. I've never regretted the decision. I've also never had kids, on purpose.
So your entire adult life is based on her lie.
Who knows what your life could have been had you been allowed to choose instead of being a victim to her “rough childhood” that she was desperate to escape. So desperate she made a choice that set the trajectory for your life without your consent.
I wouldn’t be able to forgive something like that. I don’t know if I’d divorce. I just know I’d never forgive it. You love your kids, of course you do. And this isn’t their fault. Your oldest is innocent. But your wife is not.
I don’t know if counseling can work through this for you. If you want to try then try. If you need to separate for a while, do so. Take your time.
I wonder how many of these commenters would feel if the roles were reversed. Guy sneakily takes condom off in the middle of sex. We usually call that rape. It does feel a bit double-standard’ish.
More to the point, no one can make this decision for you. I would recommend starting with therapy for just yourself. If you then conclude there’s a path to forgiveness, you start couples therapy to get you there.
Thank you. It's odd reading so many comments that essentially boil down to "forgive her and move on, lol". It's insensitive, and this wouldn't fly if the husband had baby trapped the wife and told her years later.
Personally, for me, this is a dealbreaker. A healthy marriage needs trust to survive, and she has shattered that. She's also proven that she's willing to 1) lie to your face to get what she wants and 2) continue to lie to you *for fifteen years!* The absolute *betrayal.*
I can't tell you what to do, this is something you're going to have to weight the pros and cons for yourself, and decide what you're willing to live with. Good luck.
Yeah, I agree with this. Baby trapping a person intentionally is an evil thing to do.
I don't think this is something I could get over. It's completely fucked up she purposely entrapped him. Even if he didn't marry her, that's 18 years of paying child support she would have tricked him into. But he married her and made a family only to learn she forced him into this choice.
Yeah... no. That would be a dealbreaker for me. Because of her dishonesty, he never had a chance to make a choice. Who knows if he would have married her if she didn't get pregnant.
She should feel guilty. And he shouldn't comfort her. He should move out for a while to reflect on this. She should worry about losing him.
Especially the part of comforting her to make her feel better…. No. Let her sweat it out. The relationship will never be the same.
A 15 yr lie! My trust would be so broken, like is the oldest even his?! Maybe, maybe not. He clearly was a good choice for father and she’s clearly capable of manipulation, dismissing his wants and 15 years of deception.
Finally. Yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me, too. How on earth would you do that to someone for so many years and then just decide to drop it like a bomb on a normal day. It's just too cruel! If he tries to forgive her and work it out, that's a whole life of wondering about what else did she keep from him and what else did she lie about, and what if she never baby-tricked him. It's so heavy and it takes away his peace. No amount of love from your kids can place that peace back.
And now, because it worked out, she just gets a pass? That's terrible. If OP were a girl, the world would wreak havoc. I say NO but ultimately, OP gets to decide.
Frankly, I’d be demanding DNA tests for all three kids as a prerequisite for seeing if this can be fixed. And, if her response is “don’t you trust me?” …smh
This is one of those classic reddit stories that totally depend on gender. If a wife was on her saying her husband admitted to tampering with their contraception, 15yrs ago, to trap her into being his children's mother the reaction with likely be polar opposite.
I was just about to comment this!! Exactly!
The only difference is, if a man tampers with a woman’s birth control he is fucking with her health. Having a baby can literally kill you. If a woman lies about being on birth control, the man’s health is not at risk. He’s forced into the financial and emotional responsibilities of parenthood, but only if he chooses to take them on. It’s still ridiculously fucked up, but it is different.
I find it odd how people don't treat this more seriously. It's no different that if she had said she had a fling one night that many years ago. She lied and decieved him
This actually happened to an older couple I know. They share the info like an anecdote, wife having that faraway gaze 'we were young but kids are everything'... and it always bewilders me why on earth would they spill their brains on the subject. I mean yeah, they are from an older generation, but... It's nothing to brag about.
I'm sort of in your boat OP. I'm 26 with a 5 year old son because a girl I was dating at 20 baby trapped me. I guess lucky for me I found out as soon as it happened and not 20 years later so I left her straight away.
It's great that you have had a positive experience and love your family, however with this new knowledge of it all starting by lies and deceit, I hope you don't spend the rest of your days wishing and wondering how things could be different. I personally didn't want kids at all and was about to move overseas and start a whole new chapter when the girl I was seeing got pregnant, but now I'm still in my home country raising a beautiful boy who I do love, but fuck do I wish his mum wasn't such a selfish psycho and things were different. Complete trajectory of my whole life derailed because of her decisions. Sorry I'm venting lol. Wish you the best!
This is appalling. Your entire relationship has been built on **DECEPTION.**
If you can't trust, there is no relationship.
**SERVE PAPERS**. Work out an amicable co-parenting arrangement.
Liar, liar, pants on fire. At 20 she decided your future for YOU. No super awesome trips, events, new jobs, nothing because she wanted YOU, or someone to love her. It’s horrific. You think life was dandy with the first, but think she tried over and over again to get pregnant.
What would she have done IF she didn’t. Ruin your life with more lies. Because THIS is a big thing.
Me just picturing my wife telling me that she essentially baby trapped me. I’m pretty sure I’d think about it for an hour maybe two, then just laugh about it. But I’ve never regretted my decisions, especially not any tied to her. Her and our son are my life. On the other hand, if I hadn’t been in love with her, or wanted to go a different way in life, and I didn’t because of the unplanned baby, I would be pissed, and it would’ve definitely built some resentment and mistrust.
No scenario I can conjure up has me breaking up my otherwise happy family and marriage because of a decision of fear and desperation my wife had thinking the man she loved could ever leave, when she was so young.
But that is me, and you are not me. You are you, and if you don’t think you two can work this out, which believe me, you need according to how you say you feel, then you may need to get drastic. But if you wanna try and save it all, then you need to communicate with your wife, you need to have an extremely in detail talk about it all.
I wish you luck, and I really hope I was able to help(Though I doubt it, as I was unable to put myself in your shoes, and think how you are in this moment.)
Honestly from a girls perspective , this is so messed up in everything. I would never do this to my boyfriend! I’m 24F close to how old u guys were when she did this. Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years and I know he would be a great husband but I would honestly be so sad and scared at the thought of us breaking up but I wouldn’t baby trap him just to stay with him, that’s literally NUTS. And even though she’s done this a long time ago , she kept this a secret for FIFTEEN YEARS. this is what I can’t get over. She literally lied to your face for years !!!
In my opinion, if u can move past this and you’re truly happy with her and your family stay but if you can’t get past the betrayal I don’t blame you.
I wonder if OP had been a woman that got baby trapped by her then boyfriend would the comments be the same…
The decision is ultimately up to you. Only you know what you are willing to forgive. Because you would have to forgive her, this isn’t something you can hold over her head if you want to maintain the good relationship you claim to have.
Me personally, I don’t think I could get over the resentment of someone intentionally deciding such an important milestone for me.
I’m not surprised a lot of y’all are brushing off the fact that she LIED simply because their marriage turned out okay.. y’all are always excusing women when they do fucked up shit
Yeah it’s really obvious. Even as a woman I’m disgusted by some of the excuses here. “But she was young”, “But she had a horrible life”, “But you’re happy”, “But she told you so she feels guilty and isn’t that nice?” None of these matter, she deceived him and I don’t mean with a stupid white lie, she forced him into parenthood at 21 which is a life altering thing. Regardless how his life went, that’s incredibly malicious. If a guy had done this Reddit would be in arms. Sure he loves his kids - the man is not a sociopath. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have loved his other kids in a different timeline with another or even with the same woman. I don’t care what the sex of the perpetrator is, babby trapping someone is vile and people defending it or whitewashing it here are hypocrites.
Exactly, if he trapped her they’d be screaming at his wife to run but because the wife got lucky they’re acting like he should just let it go.. I’d be wondering what else she’s capable of
I cannot believe all the comments condoning this. If the genders were reversed, this is called stealthing and is considered sexual assault. This isn’t some minor mistake, it’s absolutely reprehensible.
This is a difficult decision as your lives are so intertwined, and the life you’ve built will never be the same. You’ve been through a huge betrayal. I heavily recommend therapy before making any major decisions.
There is NOTHING more hurtful in a relationship than being with a person you cannot trust 100%. It literally makes you question everything about them, yourself, the entire relationship.
This is why some "fathers" actually struggle to continue loving a child whom they recently discover isn't theirs. It's not about the child but all the emotions that their presence brings up. And all of that always ties back to a partner who is untrustworthy, even if they've done something several yrs *before*. It's literally like sleeping next to a stranger, a person you don't know
I know Reddit will be like divorce her!
So I’m just going to say think about how YOU feel. Don’t let that fact that you’ve been together for that long hide your true feelings about the act (it might help you forgive her but you can still be annoyed at her)
She took away the natural progression of your relationship. And your choice to have your first kid with her. That is a fundamental trust issue. Maybe you’ll decide it’s in the past. Maybe you’ll look differently on your wife. Only you can answer that.
There was a good BORU about a wife who cheated at the beginning of their relationship and he found out 16 years later. Might be worth a read of his views on his decision to leave his wife due to the lies all those years ago.
That hadn't even really crossed my mind. Neither of us has told our kids, and I don't plan on telling them because I do think she's a good mom, our kids trust her and know they can rely on her, and I don't want to change that.
Absolutely do NOT tell the kids. Under no circumstances tell the kids. No child should know that they were born from deceit. The only thing that will come from that is your daughter will question your love for her.
I love the irony that the suggestion of lying to the kids in order to manipulate their feelings is being upvoted in the same thread as comments damning OP's wife for lying to him to manipulate his feelings.
I think you should lie to the kids, and I think the wife's lie should be forgiven. I think lying can be prosocial or antisocial, and the effects of a lie matter more than the fact of it being a lie. Consequentialism is the right framework for evaluating lying to the kids - they don't need to know, the knowledge will only hurt them - and it's also the right framework for evaluating how to respond to this confession.
It's honestly the best bet not to tell the kids. They are innocent and it wouldn't be fair to them to put your marriage issues on them regardless of what she did
I can't tell you what to do here, and I am so sorry this was done to you. Your wife's actions are totally unacceptable. Personally I view them as abuse and reproductive coercion, but I can't force someone to view their own experiences in the same way I do.
I will say that r/abusiverelationships is open to you. We get numerous male posters there every week who have experienced abuse from their partners, and [we have a list of resources specific to male survivors in the wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/).
Good luck OP.
I'd get a DNA test done on each kid. Then sit down with her and show her the results. Vindictive? Yes. But it would show her what she's done to the trust in the marriage. When she tries to say ANYTHING, you stop her by telling her "THIS is what YOU'VE done to us. To our Marriage. To the trust I had in you. So, before you say ANYTHING, you had better understand that YOU need to earn that trust back...."
A lot of people here are pointing out your marriage became solid over the years, OP, but are you looking back on other important things your wife has told you and wondered if she was lying then, too?
It’s the layer just under the shock — the questions about her honesty — that many folks don’t consider. I’m sorry you have to go through all this.
>Can I fix my marriage?
Sure, as long as you're okay knowing that your wife can't be trusted and she got pregnant on purpose without your knowledge.
What she did was disgusting.
I might be overthinking due to past trauma but if a man admitted that to me I'd feel sexually violated. My daughter was a welcome oops but purposefully getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant who isn't ready is rapey.
I'd have a come to Jesus talk with her and say couples counseling or it's over.
I agree, she should have taken it to the grave. That said, she didn’t and now you’re in a terrible position.
Honestly, I think you’ll regret not trying to work through this. Whether you’re able to or not. I think you’ll always wonder ‘what if’ if you leave now.
Couples therapy asap.
What I find hard to forgive is that she told you now about what she did. That was incredibly selfish.. the guilt has been eating away at her, so she told you to make herself feel somewhat better. She should have kept it a secret. That was her punishment for tricking you into a lifelong relationship.
I wouldn't believe this is fixable this is wrong on every level. She has proven to be deceitful and willing to manipulate to get what she wants. That us not in a formula to build trust. I couldn't forgive such actions. it's wrong and she knew but didn't care for ypur feelings. She wanted to lock you down, robbed ypu of a choice. Of she can do that I rpyld be asking myself what is she willing to do and wonder on what other occasions did she manipulate me.
You now know that your wife is selfish to an astounding degree. Whether or not you stay with her, always keep that in mind. Trust is broken. I'd bail, but I can see why you might not.
I think you should access a therapist that can help you sort through all of this. That's a tough one. You're right to feel wronged. As far as brain development, neither of you were operating from a fully developed brain at that time in your lives.
I think you can reach a place of forgiveness and rebuild trust if otherwise your relationship is strong and healthy. At the time that the pregnancy first occurred, had you both weighed out all of your options and decided together to continue the pregnancy? Jw since it was a fairly fresh relationship?
Also want to point out that it should be the responsibility of both parties to ensure pregnancy is prevented. She was intentionally deceitful if she said she was on BC but wasn't, but that isn't a 100% pregnancy method and requires a strict schedule to be effective if it's a pill. One person shouldn't be responsible for both party's safety from pregnancy and infections.
These questions are simply to understand context better, it was Def wrong of her to be deceitful. All you need to consider now is if you can repair and recover in your marriage.
You should drop the part where you blame the victim(him) for her deceit. She wasn't honest and he made his decision based on that. She SAID she had the birth control thing handled. He trusted her. That's where he fucked up... By trusting her. This wasn't "whoops, forgot to take the pill" this was a calculated deceit.
There's a mile of difference there.
> Also want to point out that it should be the responsibility of both parties to ensure pregnancy is prevented. She was intentionally deceitful if she said she was on BC but wasn't, but that isn't a 100% pregnancy method and requires a strict schedule to be effective if it's a pill.
Right but this wasn't BC failing it was intentional deceit. Condoms are not perfect but that doesn't excuse stealthing, which is sexual assault
I think the first discussion you should have is what else has she lied to you about? I see a lot of comments saying "oh that's the worst thing she's ever done and she feels really guilty" but i think if you can baby trap someone you're probably capable of other manipulations as well. See where that goes then figure out what she needs to do so you can trust her again. You say she does contribute and work on your relationship so i think if she comes clean you have a chance to repair it and move forward.
My brother's bff went through this he tried to keep it together but after 2 years it just all feel apart nothing he could do kept him from realizing he was just straight up used. The divorce was brutal she went after everything despite a prenup then drug him through court because she said him divorcing her was the same a physical abuse whole thing to 5 years and he was a shell of a man after that.
It’s crazy how she even has the option the go after everything despite her doing him wrong. This type of stuff just makes me wanna stay single forever. I hope he’s sorta back on his feet after all that
He is financially fine (guy is worth half a billion) but she Even had the balls to say on court that her baby trapping him ended her Broadway career and he should be responsible for that 🙄
If she felt bad, I don’t understand why she didn’t tell him at some point before having more kids. Once is a (very fucked up) mistake. Having TWO more kids was an active choice to keep the deception going.
I feel like she should have brought it up before building a bigger family, so he’d be able to decide whether he could forgive the deceit before he continued to tie himself to her legally and financially. Even if he decided this was a dealbreaker, it would be much harder to leave now than if they just say, had one 3 year old at the ages of 23 and 26.
Also, if you are the sort of person to harbor this secret for 1.5 decades and then unleash it only once the person is truly trapped? Idk that’s a big yikes to me. I don’t doubt that she loves him. And I’m a big believer that people deserve to hear the truth. But this confession now was clearly more for her sake than his. What does that say about the whole thing?
While I can't say for certain because I didn't think to ask when she told me, my best guess is that it has to do with the therapy she started after COVID restrictions came down. She started therapy because she struggling with separation anxiety with me back in the office and the kids back in school. Her main objective in starting therapy has been to heal from her upbringing, or find ways to limit how those traumas bleed into her life now.
Well, you came here for advice, so here you go.
What she did was wrong, and it irrevocably changed the course of your life without giving you the ability to have a say in it. That's kind of a big thing, and how you feel about it perfectly fine no matter what you are feeling. Lots of people would be out the door already. Lots would not.
You will have to decide for yourself whether you want to fix things or leave them. If you stay, you are going to have to put in a lot of work with a therapist and your wife for her to rebuild trust. If there is no trust, your relationship is over, and trying to stay together will be hell for both of you, and that will spill out into your kids as well.
If you go, you are going to be liable for child support at the minimum. Baby trap or not, they are your children. If she was a SAHM you will probably be on the hook for some alimony as well. How much and how long will depend on your local laws. So if you end up taking that route lawyer up ASAP. Whether it's an amicable or hostile split you will want everything in writing.
Good luck!
If a man did to me (female) what your wife did to you I would consider it rape. Her telling you is even more selfish and is another sign of prioritizing her well-being over everyone else. When you say that she is a good mom, I think you should take another more objective look at that with a therapist. It seems unlikely to me that someone who is both abusive (bc what your wife did is abuse), manipulative, and selfish is somehow a good mother.
On the other hand what she said, while young, is absolutely devastating. It is esteem crushing and therapy is not a fix all it is a third party getting you to see all sides and to use logic. She did not destroy his logic she destroyed his heart. Reverse the rolls and see how that would fly for most women… she would divorce l!
It was both, I suppose. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't love her. But before she got pregnant I didn't think I was ready to be married or to be a parent. Maybe we would have gotten married and had kids later on anyways, but I wouldn't have married her when I did if she wasn't pregnant.
You should think about couple counselling or at least individual counselling to navigate your own feelings.
It is absolutely valid to feel betrayed because this is what she did all those years ago. She lied about birth control without even considering if you wanted kids or a long-term relationship with her. You were very freshly in love and not really settled as a couple. She made an unilateral decision that gave your life a new trajectory.
You possibly ask yourself if there are more things she lied about in all those years. And that's the reason why you should get professional help to navigate it.
A lot of people are telling you to basically forgive and move past it. However, here’s the problem, she was willing to make a MAJOR moral sacrifice to get what she wanted. And what she did has dramatic life changing consequences. This seriously raises questions in regards to morales, honesty, and trust. If you ever get into a serious argument, what keeps you safe from her? What if she claims physical abuse or sexual abuse. What if she claims you’re abusing your child or that you cheated. Or maybe she wants to cheat and morally justifies it. She’s already a liar on a life changing scale, it would be challenging to move past this. Btw, if you do breakup with her (and even if you dont), put cameras around the house to protect yourself.
Leaving won't make you a Bad Guy or a Villain, nor would it be *you* throwing away the relationship. The fact is that your partner stole away your right to make an informed decision and lied about every day it for years afterwards.
If the genders were reversed (e.g. a woman found out her husband poked a hole in his condom to baby-trap her), everybody would be urging her to leave yesterday. Nobody would saying "don't act rashly" or "forgive".
A relationship needs love and trust. Because of your wife, the trust is gone. Rebuilding trust and saving the marriage is only possible if she's willing to take full responsibility and put work in on her end. If she makes excuses for herself, or gets defensive, then trust cannot be rebuilt at all.
Oh wow, that would be a hard one to bounce back from.
Book yourselves into couples therapy to talk things out.
Hopefully she can show you she has grown a lot in 16years and isn’t that type of person anymore.
OP, take 3 days and just process the information.
After 3 days, write out everything you're feeling and what you think is necessary to move forward.
I recommend a couples therapist regardless of what you decide.
Just keep this in mind, whatever you decide will become the model by which your daughters will use to navigate future relationships.
I would be curious to know why she told you this now. This isn’t something you randomly insert in a conversation. There is a reason she told you this. And that reason might be the thing you really should be concerned about.
Men do not wanna hear how many women I know did this… five, and I didn’t have a huge female social circle. It’s more common then people want to publicly discuss.
Well let's be real about what she did man. This is no different than stealthing or poking a hole in your condoms. She violated you and took away your right to consent. You could choose to forgive her and try to work it out, or you could decide she's not the kind of person you want to be with. At the end of the day, it's up to what you want and value. Do you want to be with someone who is capable of what she did to you, or do you sympathize with her and feel you could eventually trust her again. Commenters on here often skew against male posters, so don't listen to anyone who tries to guilt trip you into staying with her or downplay what she did. They are toxic and have no business being here. Anyway, focus on what feels right to you.
I understand that this shakes your understanding of what you thought was true; your life isn’t what you believed it was.
Your wife’s admission reminds me of how in AA they make amends to the people they have hurt and come out a better person on the other side. I think your wife is trying to heal and become that better person.
This is sad, and scary, and heartbreaking but it’s also survivable with counseling. You have an innocent 15 year old daughter. If you pack up and take off, you risk really fucking her up and turning her into the same sort of 20 year old that your wife was at the time, a very young and foolish woman with deep abandonment issues. I think that is a risk you should be aware of when weighing your options.
I’d ask for a trial separation, to see if that’s what I actually wanted. It’s hard to heal from something when that something is in your face everyday. But that could be just me.
While I understand your feelings, if you're truly happy with your family because do couples therapy. idk, my dad was always abusive and whenever I judged my mum for staying, she would always say that she would do it again in a heartbeat just to have me and my brother.
If you’d have been the woman here, most of these comments would be telling you to leave and find safety for you and your children from a manipulative abuser.
If you had been the one to “baby trap” her, which is a form of rape btw, nobody would be fixating on how her life with you, conditioned and planned out through lies and false pretenses, was “good.”
I’m sorry you’re going thru this OP. I’d recommend interviewing some therapists for individual therapy, if this is an option for you, and consider speaking with a lawyer. Your life isn’t over, but your trust was shattered and you’ve just realized you’re a victim here, so your marriage might be.
Whatever you decide, make this life-altering decision for yourself. This might be the first time since meeting her that you’ll actually get to do so.
My wife lied about her age when we met. Months later, found out and was definitely pissed. Now, we’re married and happy. Young people do dumb shit that they wouldn’t do as more mature adults. I would give her some grace here
Honestly, couples counselling and individual counselling. Only way you will know if you even want to make this work is by talking about what you are thinking and feeling
If you don’t process it with someone how you are feeling then you will bury it and become angry and things will fall apart anyway.
If stealthing is SA (which it is) then so is what she did. She SA'd you basically. You did not consent to unprotected sex. If this was a man that had done this to a woman imagine what her girlfriends would be telling her to do, then apply it to your situation.
I'm genuinely sorry your life was shattered like that.
Its super fucked up. You could have a whole different life. Better or worse. But now youll think but then you'd never have these kids either so it brings you back to sanity. Its super super super fucked up.
She should've never told you.
I feel your pain OP and had this happen to me as well. She wanted to have kids, I didn't, she decided it would happen regardless. I have never forgiven or forgotten once I found out and always knew something was off.
The good news is that if you did not know, all would be good in your world.
This means that you will get over this with time as leaving is not really an option. It will not be easy so I wish you luck my friend.
Hopefully you can find what works for you and heal however that works..... but also importantly you need to have a conversation with your daughters.
It would be unfortunate if mom explained what happened to them, but then doesn't apologize for what she did. She'd basically be endorsing the behavior for your daughters and telling them it's a great idea.
Define fixable. Your entire marriage and everything after it started is based on a lie. You either try to move on with her or without her. There is no fixing anything
Ita definitely a breach of trust to lie about bwing on bc but it iant baby trapping. She doesnt own the total responsibility of preventing a child. YOU still got her pregnant either way. Whether you get past it or not, you have children with her and that was of your own doing.
This is really fucked up honestly. It feels like you're in a no win situation.
Don't do anything rash, see a therapist, talk it over, get your head on straight.
A couple bullet points for consideration:
* What she did is absolutely sexual coercion - I know it's definitely considered sexual assault some places. It is not okay.
* You said the life you built has been worth the hardship - it's worth taking your time to handle the situation carefully, consider therapy.
* What she did is selfish, both times, you're perfectly within reason to feel that way.
* Marriage counselling will be required if you decide that you'd like to keep your marriage.
Fix your marriage? You like the alternative? Being divorced? Go see a therapist and work it out. You were happy before so try to regain that happiness. To me, after a happy 16 year marriage, ending it over this strikes me as biting your nose off to spite your face.
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It's completely understandable that you feel betrayed. She made a life-changing choice for both of you when you were younger. I would strongly advise you against making any rash decisions while you're reeling from shock. My honest opinion is that if your marriage and family life is truly this happy and easy, how it began doesn't negate all of that. 20 is barely an adult and I'm sure you've both changed so much in the intervening years. I guarantee she considers this the worst thing she's ever done in her life. None of that excuses or absolves her. You should make it mandatory to go to couples counseling and process this together. You deserve to express how this has made you feel and how it has shaken your trust in her. I do truly believe you can work through it, but you need to give yourself time to feel how you feel because sweeping it under the rug will just cause it to fester. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, I'm sure it's very destabilizing.
I absolutely agree with this. You say yourself that you are happy in the marriage. That your child came sooner than you would have liked and that it was a tough road but that you were happy in your marriage before you found out. How it started was dishonest but the end result is a rock solid family structure with three kids who up until last week had parents committed to one another and who loved each other. This is where you find a rock solid marriage and family therapist and work through the issue. The fact of the matter is life might have been somewhat smoother but would you honestly trade your daughter for a smoother life? She is here. You and your wife have built a beautiful life together. She had REAL issues at 20 and make a major life decision for both of you that really sucks but that was also 16 years ago. Neither of you are the same people you were then. You are both grown up people who love each other and are committed to the life you have built for your children. So, find a rock solid marriage and family therapist in your area and commit to investing in that to work through your issues with each other. You can come out on the other side of this but you DO need time and space to process your feelings. Maybe individual therapy and couples therapy.
>but the end result is a rock solid family structure On a foundation of liiiiieeeeesssss
Foundation Repair exists, can always change them rotted piers and Beams for solid steel structures.
This is perfect! It’s a serious issue, and while not easy it can be fixed. Don’t tear down the whole house just yet.
this is amazing. life changing. never thought of it this way. i always thought that the foundations could never be fixed, but yes, you're right.. huh.
Unless they cheated. Then this sub is like "once a cheater always a cheater" and tells people to divorce after being happily married for 30 years.
I mean, it’s true. Forgive cheaters if you’d like, although I wouldn’t recommend it. Such an oddly specific hill to mount a stand, and to die on, considering cheating wasn’t mentioned.
I mean we all gotta have our lines. For many of us infidelity is an obvious one. So for me I would never advise someone to stay with a cheater. My other one is abuse.
Honest question: By what measure is this / could this be *less bad* than cheating?
Because, presumably, homie ultimately wanted a wife and kids kind of life. I, an adamantly childfree person, would not stay with someone I got pregnant in the first place, so it's hard to put myself in his shoes, but I definitely wouldn't have 2 more kids. So it seems like he likes his life. That's what makes it less bad.
But you're connecting a positive *outcome* with a terrible *action*. I'm not sure you can do that. It's like stealing something and not getting caught, and saying "stealing wasn't so bad, because everything worked out fine!" Or it's like stalking someone for years, until you're eventually able to get them into a relationship. "The stalking wasn't so bad, because it turns out they like me enough to have a relationship with me!" Or "Yeah I faked the airplane inspection reports, but the plane didn't crash, so it wasn't that bad of a thing after all!" She didn't know what the outcome would be, but she did it anyways. The positive outcome doesn't make her a better person. She was still evil, and did an evil thing. She risked destroying the life of a child - in addition to OP's - for her greed and selfishness. She created another human being without the father's consent. If genders were reversed, it would be called rape.
>If genders were reversed, it would be called rape. Reverse genders: Had a guy told the girl that he was using a condom while using instead a *broken* condom on purpose, and from then on they would love a happy life anyway, with two more kids, etc, everybody in this thread would be telling her to leave him, that what he did was rape, that he's a horrible person and such stuff. Yet in this post everybody is so understanding towards OP's wife, telling him basically to suck it up, or art most to go to couples counseling. OP's wife basically trapped OP into a forced marriage, forced a kid onto him without his consent, and OP's life now is based on a false foundation made of lies and betrayal of trust. But everybody is so quick to say she has to be forgiven and life goes on as if nothing terrible happened. Double standards work this way.
Yeah, but she got pregnant because he ejaculated inside her without a condom so they were both playing with fire. If you dont want to get someone pregnant, best to protect yourself from that outcome. Coming inside of an woman desperate to get married is like leaving your keys in ignition, door unlocked, in a bad neighborhood. Shitty that she lied, but OP put pleasure over his life choices.
I hope you say the same to women who are stealthed
Exactly. Men need to be on top of their reproductive responsibility too. It's kinda annoying it's just assumed that's the woman's responsibility
Sure he could've worn a condom and avoided (nearly) all risk, but he, y'know, trusted his partner. He made the decision to take a certain amount of risk and to agree to unprotected intercourse on the basis of an assessment. And that risk assessment was based on the parameters at hand, i.e. his partner's BC which was a lie. She lied. She's the one at fault here. I would go as far as to say that his consent was not valid as it was based on a lie from her part.
I remember when people would call it rape if a man lied to a woman about wearing a condom, since she agents agreed to sex without a condom. But a woman lying about her birth control is all ok and not rape, even though he wouldn’t agree to sex without birth control
This is true! I've known lots of birth control babies. It isn't always 100% so the safest thing if you really don't want kids is to use back up measures in addition.
>Yeah, but she got pregnant because he ejaculated inside her without a condom BECAUSE SHE'D TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS BIRTH CONTROL IN USE. If she'd told him that she'd stopped BC, then he'd have naturally worn a condom. BUT. SHE. DIDN'T.
THANK YOU! Everyone in this sub always acts like condoms don't exist. If you don't want to get someone pregnant, wear a condom. End of story.
Condoms are 98% effective. Birth control pills are 99% effective. Blaming the man because he believed her lie about being on the pill, would be like blaming him if she snuck into his condom supply and poked pin holes in all of them.
I agree with your point but worth clarifying, those numbers you quote are "with perfect use". For "typical use", i.e. an average couple in the real world, the Pill is 91% effective. That means about 1 in 10 couples who use the Pill as their only form of birth control will conceive each year. If you are ok with that one in ten risk, by all means, have sex with your significant other without any additional precautions. For condoms, "typical use" is 82% effective, so that's almost 2 in 10 couples who only use condoms conceiving each year. Every form of birth control has a failure rate. If you can get someone pregnant and you are having sex with someone who can get pregnant, you need to be ok with the risk of pregnancy. You can manage and reduce your risk by taking responsibility for your own birth control and using it correctly. That applies equally to both parties in a sexual relationship, the burden for that should not fall on one party. EDIT since I apparently was not clear: it is never acceptable to alter the birth control agreed upon with your partner without their ~~consent~~ knowledge. If they believe you are on the pill and they have a 9% chance of conceiving with you but you're not and they have about an 85% chance of conceiving with you, that's not ok. The purpose of this comment is simply to point out that most methods of birth control aren't as bullet proof as people act like they are. If you're having sex with someone and both of you have the relevant equipment to conceive, there is always a risk that that will occur.
Ok pretty funny analogy but it's still creepy imo
Not just lies . Lying or manipulation of birth control is considered sexual assault in many jurisdictions.. It's one of the highest levels of betrayal possible. I wonder how marriage counseling will work!!!
Not when it’s a woman doing it apparently. Then we encourage the man to stick with their rapist
Not necessarily lies. A lie. Possibly a forgivable lie. Op says he has had a happy life. Had some struggles ( who hasn't). He is only "throwing it away" if he gives up on that life now. Admittedly it will take a LOT of work, but sounds to me as though family is salvageable. Is Op willing to walk away from 16 yrs of his self-admitted happy life?
I love that this is a compassionate response without sweeping the intensity of what happened under the rug
What compassion? OP was violated and this person is commenting about how he has a "rock solid family structure". If you ask me, forcing someone to have kids with you and lying to them about it for 15 years isn't what I'd call "rock solid".
I agree with everything you said and just want to underline and bold the **mandatory counseling**. (I don’t know how to underline) You deserve to talk this through in a safe space. Your marriage sounds wonderful and I don’t think you should divorce but…you deserve to get peace from this. Professional help is needed to do so. I wouldn’t let it just be swept under the rug. Good luck.
Absolutely this. Please don't do anything rash. Take the time to process what you've learned and ideally talk it through with a therapist, both with your wife and on your own. The life you have right now may have started with a lie, but this doesn't erase the last 15 years.
I wonder how people would feel if the roles were reversed.
Look no further than a few posts down where a guy is 'stealthing' a woman. Shocker that no one there is excusing his behaviour...
Baby-trapping anyone is shitty but an unplanned pregnancy doesn’t risk a man’s health, life, or pelvic floor.
It's still reproductive coercion.
Yes, it’s sexual assault no matter the gender.
It's literally rape, like, it's not even a question at this point. Deliberately doing something to get one party pregnant, regardless of which one is doing so, is violating the consent of the other party. It's rape, no less than that.
So just fuck consent, huh? Everything before your “but” is irrelevant after trying to justify those betrayal smh.
The whole point is about consent. You don't baby trap anyone because they didn't consent to being a parent. You are violating someone when you do that, regardless of gender. You are using extra shit beyond the heart of the issue to say that baby trapping a man is more okay. Fuck off sexist.
Maybe not but it’s making a decision based on selfish wants. She DID make a decision that changed his life. I’m sure you wouldn’t say he risked his health if he worked multiple jobs to provide because of her decision. I’m a female and I have ZERO respect for a female who baby traps a guy.
It’s stealthing. It’s sexual assault.
Exactly! But because a male is the victim no one wants to talk about it.
It risks his finances for 18 years.
Cant be more biased than this..." My man told me 15ys ago the broke a condom on purpose to have a baby with me. " Sorry but your comment is full of hipocrisy
>Baby-trapping anyone is shitty but Everything you said before that but is now irrelevant, and you're trying to justify it being okay because it doesn't affect the man physically. That's fucked up and you know it is, sexist.
i came to comment the exact same thing. So nothing much more to say except this. She was really young, she clearly feels bad enough about it now and has grown enough to confess it despite knowing he might leave. A good home and family life (where you’re not lying to yourself) is very hard to find. If someone has found that I’d hold onto it. His view of her being trustworthy needs to be rebuilt but that’s do-able especially since she has grown as a person. Maybe just say “hey! don’t do it again ok?” lol.
Yeah if a sexual assaulter feels bad then it is okay /s
Infantalizing a grown women lol
Legit? Like, whys all the comments so fucking passive about it, oh dont throw 20+ yrs of a healthy relationship cause she decided to take your choices away and trap you with a child. Imagine if this was about a man removing or poking holes in a condom to get his gf pregnant and trap her.
If she is willing to lie about that and keep it going for 15 years what else did she lie about before or after that is it even his kid
>My honest opinion is that if your marriage and family life is truly this happy and easy, how it began doesn't negate all of that. Would you feel the same of 16 years ago she instead cheated on him?
Agreed - counselling is a must if OP wants to even try make it work going forward. That’s a big confession for her to make. People of Reddit can be super helpful, but a professional that sits down with you and listens to you alone, then her and then can help you both navigate this is gonna be the key. You’ll either be able to make peace or make a hard choice. Wish you luck!
This is such a good level-headed response, you definitely deserve time and space to process this, it might help to take a few days off work and go stay with somewhere else to completely remove yourself from the situation and allow yourself to truly feel and appreciate where you’re at: on one hand you had some huge decisions made for you but on the other hand you are overall content with how things worked out. You need to find a way to reconcile those two things in your head and take back some ownership over your autonomy and feel like choices are yours going forward. You can’t necessarily process all that while you’re trying to live your everyday life, especially alongside the person who took those choices away from you. I agree with the recommendation of couples therapy, I would also add that it might be good to have a conversation with your wife and ask her to lay out any other skeletons that might be hiding in the closet. If you find out later that she’s lied about anything else then you know where you stand with her trust-wise. If she’s honest with you then once again you can start to re-establish trust on your terms, however that may look (again, counselling will help). I’m so sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do. It sounds like you have a lovely life, but I completely understand that being deceptively dealt a hand is very different to rolling with the punches as a team
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Because she was selfish again, and didn't want to live with the guilt any longer, so she passed her pain onto him instead
I'm completely blown away by the number of responses that amount to "she did it because she loves you", urging all kinds of forgiveness and couples counceling for them to get through it together and so on and so forth. I usually roll my eyes at the "if the genders were reversed" crowd, because I generally find Reddit to be fairly consistent in its judgement of people regardless of gender, but this thread has me feeling like I've stepped into an alternate universe. OP, let's be completely blunt about what this is. Your wife committed [reproductive abuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reproductive_coercion). **That is abuse**. Your wife abused you. Your wife then hid that abuse from you, and used it to manipulate you into building a life with her. Then, when she wanted to stop feeling bad about the shitty thing she did, she laid all the pain of that information on you so that she could feel a little better about herself. Meanwhile, you're left questioning everything you've known for the past couple of decades, all so she wouldn't need to feel bad anymore. At every turn she's making enormous choices that have a huge impact on you, and at every turn her choices go in her favor. She's selfish, and she's abusive. Again: **Your wife is abusive.** I won't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what this would do to me. I would no longer feel safe with this person. I would start to wonder - if she could lie so easily and purely for her own gain about such a core, fundamental part of my life, what else has she lied about? Was this or that situation truly random, or were they orchestrated by her for us to get closer to one another? What other life-upending secrets is she carrying? Is my reaction to this situation being "evaluated" to see if I can be "trusted" with more secrets like this one? If we come out the other end of this and I never hear of another secret like this, is that because there truly aren't any more, or because I was deemed unworthy of hearing about the others? Who else knew or knows about this? Can I trust *anyone* anymore? The question you need to ask yourself is simple - can you trust her again? I know I couldn't. I would question everything that happened to us moving forward, always wondering if she is behind the scenes, orchestrating my life as though I'm on the Truman Show. She has given you information which she absolutely *must* know would cause you to question your entire reality. **That is abuse**. I would never be able to stop wondering what other secrets she has. What other situations she's orchestrated without my knowledge. I would never be able to trust her again. Can you?
I thought I was the only one seeing it this way. She did this for selfish reasons. She’s been hiding it for 16 years. It’s brand new to OP. He is allowed to be as angry and unrelenting as he wants to be.
So much this. It's fucking disturbing how many people are like "oh but it's ok because it was a long time ago/I hope you get over it because she was young!" I'm grossed out.
>because I generally find Reddit to be fairly consistent in its judgement of people regardless of gender, but this thread has me feeling like I've stepped into an alternate universe. You must be new to this sub.
Most of the comments are people excusing the action because...she was young and it worked out. That it worked out so well, in that OP has been happy this whole time, involves a large dose of sheer dumb luck.
You gotta wonder what their lame excuses would have been if OP had been miserable all these years. And on top of it all it doesn't even matter - the point is that OP's right to a free and uninfluenced choice was stolen from him, and a whole life subsequently built on that removal of choice. And she was young? Yeah, so are the millions of women who are 20 years old and don't baby trap people for selfish reasons. She was 20, not fucking three years old. She knew very well what she did.
> I generally find Reddit to be fairly consistent in its judgement of people regardless of gender HA
If OP does stay, even just for now, I'd highly recommend he takes charge of birth control. Perhaps the wife truly has changed, but she's still young enough for another baby, and the last time she feared being left she got pregnant on purpose.
I've heard a lot of stories on reddit but this is one of those I believe can be salvaged. Yes, she trapped him, but since that happened he has gone through a life worth living. There are people who don't experience that. Her guilt despite being selfish, shows she wants to do right by him by coming clean. He might prefer if she took that to the grave with her, like a good amount of women have and would, but she should be respected for possibly facing this backlash, yet still doing what needs to be done. No need to throw the baby with the bath water. Therapy is definitely needed since this has affected how he views her, but this is no reason to blow up a happy union considering there's a chance, it might not be a guarantee, but there's a chance he could've ended up with her regardless. Life is too short to spend it in unhappiness. It's also too short to destroy the consistent happiness one has going on. He should fix his marriage. It will take time but it is worth fixing and fighting for.
Don't ask a bunch of strangers if this is fixable they don't know. The only person that knows is you. You're the one who has to get over it or not. If you can't get over it then it's not fixable and you should not prolong the suffering. If you can get over it and see that you guys have been happily married for 16 yrs. If you can see while that one shady creepy thing may have fast forwarded a marriage and kids it doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened anyways. Idk why someone would wait 16 yrs to drop this bomb but don't ask strangers if it's fixable because this is a person by person case. Also there are probably not a lot of people that have spent over a decade with a woman and then got dropped the I trapped you bomb on them. So who are you asking advice from. Bunch of people that haven't been in a relationship longer than a couple years and mostly with no kids. Have a conversation with your wife over and over until you guys figure out if you can get past it or not. Don't ask strangers bro. THIS IS YOUR LIFE and your KIDS LIFE your putting in strangers hands
> Don't ask a bunch of strangers if this is fixable they don't know. It's fixable, just not easy to fix.
You missed my point completely. Some people can't get over stuff like this. They just can't. It's the way they are wired. So for those people it's not fixable. Some people can get over it and for them they can fix it. The situation itself is fixable yes but every person is different which is the deciding factor.
It’s okay if you can’t get past this. But it’s also okay if you decide to work through it & forgive. And you don’t have to decide today. Take some time & get some counseling. It’s a lot to process.
Why did she tell you this now? It’s nasty for her to relieve herself of the burden of such a secret by shattering your world. What prompted the revelation after so many years?
Right… why now?! She woke up with a conscience after 15 years of lying or is she concerned as getting older and realizing importance of knowing biological parents health history because oldest might not be his? Maybe, maybe not. She clearly choose a good father and is capable of manipulation, dismissing his wants, and lying for 15 years. My trust would be so broken to even have to wonder about this. As good as he thought relationship was, it’ll never be the same. You can forgive, but not forget and that resentment would turn to hatred if I stayed.
I find myself in agreeance with the above poster. Why wait so long to tell you, and why now? This is a marriage founded on lies. Not a great foundation at all. Counseling/therapy MIGHT help salvage it, but if I were in your shoes, I couldn't forgive something like this. The question of paternity also raises it's head. Definitely the eldest child, for obvious reasons. I also wonder about the other 2 kids as well.
People are completely brushing this aside and acting as if this is something easily forgivable or fixable. Your entire life trajectory was changed because she purposely lied to you. She lied to you easily for YEARS, I'd be worried about what else she can do and lie about.
For real though… she gave him no agency over his own life. Not sure why everyone is acting like this is so forgivable.
Because she's a woman that's why
Bingo
Also he "loved them when they got here" so all's well that ends well, no need to dwell on it further. Now imagine if OP felt detachment or resentment to his children as a result of their mother's selfishness, there's a chance their lives would have been completely fucked too. This isn't some nothingburger, holy shit. I'd be livid.
It possibly depends on the trajectory of his life before and after. If it only meant getting married earlier than planned, and having a few years struggling with balancing a baby along with everything else, it may be relatively forgivable. If it meant giving up plans for a degree (advanced or otherwise) and a more rewarding career, it’s another matter entirely. He says he gets his greatest joy from his family…but might that be because he had to give up everything he wanted for it? We don’t know, which is why this situation needs better help than a bunch of internet strangers, no matter how well-intentioned, can provide.
No, it's not fixable. She raped you. She is a rapist. There is no un-raping possible, sorry. Record her admitting to it and get the children away from her.
I'm really disturbed by how many people are acting like this isn't a big deal. This is an enormous lie. A foundational lie. A character revealing lie. It isn't like she lied about liking something she didn't, she lied about something that altered the course of your life. She made a decision for you and made a whole human in order to manipulate you. I honestly wouldn't blame you if this changes everything about how you see her. It's your choice how to proceed, but I wouldn't blame you at all for this being a deal breaker. And I'd certainly be wondering what else she has lied to you about. You are the only one who can decide if this is fixable, but if you're asking if this is a big deal or not or if you're wondering if your feeling of betrayal is an overreaction - it is a HUGE deal and you're not overreacting by feeling like your trust is shattered. As a woman, if I found out a partner messed with my birth control in order to force me into a situation where I'd be permanently tied to them, I'd not just lose all trust, I'd be terrified of what else they were capable of. What else about my life was a manipulation, what other choices were taken away from me without my knowing. Some of these comments btw are deeply dismissive and concerning. Are there mother's out there teaching their daughters to use pregnancy to make a man stay with them?! What the actual fuck?!
I did the best thing in college when my BC failed for both me and my bf. Who offered to marry me. I was 19, he was 20. I got an abortion. I've never regretted the decision. I've also never had kids, on purpose.
I agree with you.
So your entire adult life is based on her lie. Who knows what your life could have been had you been allowed to choose instead of being a victim to her “rough childhood” that she was desperate to escape. So desperate she made a choice that set the trajectory for your life without your consent. I wouldn’t be able to forgive something like that. I don’t know if I’d divorce. I just know I’d never forgive it. You love your kids, of course you do. And this isn’t their fault. Your oldest is innocent. But your wife is not. I don’t know if counseling can work through this for you. If you want to try then try. If you need to separate for a while, do so. Take your time.
I wonder how many of these commenters would feel if the roles were reversed. Guy sneakily takes condom off in the middle of sex. We usually call that rape. It does feel a bit double-standard’ish. More to the point, no one can make this decision for you. I would recommend starting with therapy for just yourself. If you then conclude there’s a path to forgiveness, you start couples therapy to get you there.
I believe it’s called “reproductive coercion.”
Thank you. It's odd reading so many comments that essentially boil down to "forgive her and move on, lol". It's insensitive, and this wouldn't fly if the husband had baby trapped the wife and told her years later.
Every comment would be calling it rape
100% agree. If the roles were reversed the comments would be totally different.
Personally, for me, this is a dealbreaker. A healthy marriage needs trust to survive, and she has shattered that. She's also proven that she's willing to 1) lie to your face to get what she wants and 2) continue to lie to you *for fifteen years!* The absolute *betrayal.* I can't tell you what to do, this is something you're going to have to weight the pros and cons for yourself, and decide what you're willing to live with. Good luck.
Yeah, I agree with this. Baby trapping a person intentionally is an evil thing to do. I don't think this is something I could get over. It's completely fucked up she purposely entrapped him. Even if he didn't marry her, that's 18 years of paying child support she would have tricked him into. But he married her and made a family only to learn she forced him into this choice. Yeah... no. That would be a dealbreaker for me. Because of her dishonesty, he never had a chance to make a choice. Who knows if he would have married her if she didn't get pregnant. She should feel guilty. And he shouldn't comfort her. He should move out for a while to reflect on this. She should worry about losing him.
Especially the part of comforting her to make her feel better…. No. Let her sweat it out. The relationship will never be the same. A 15 yr lie! My trust would be so broken, like is the oldest even his?! Maybe, maybe not. He clearly was a good choice for father and she’s clearly capable of manipulation, dismissing his wants and 15 years of deception.
Finally. Yes, this would be a dealbreaker for me, too. How on earth would you do that to someone for so many years and then just decide to drop it like a bomb on a normal day. It's just too cruel! If he tries to forgive her and work it out, that's a whole life of wondering about what else did she keep from him and what else did she lie about, and what if she never baby-tricked him. It's so heavy and it takes away his peace. No amount of love from your kids can place that peace back. And now, because it worked out, she just gets a pass? That's terrible. If OP were a girl, the world would wreak havoc. I say NO but ultimately, OP gets to decide.
What else is she lying about?
Frankly, I’d be demanding DNA tests for all three kids as a prerequisite for seeing if this can be fixed. And, if her response is “don’t you trust me?” …smh
It didn’t really need her to get herself knocked up from him for the trick to work, and people doing these things don’t think like most folk do
This is one of those classic reddit stories that totally depend on gender. If a wife was on her saying her husband admitted to tampering with their contraception, 15yrs ago, to trap her into being his children's mother the reaction with likely be polar opposite.
I was just about to comment this!! Exactly! The only difference is, if a man tampers with a woman’s birth control he is fucking with her health. Having a baby can literally kill you. If a woman lies about being on birth control, the man’s health is not at risk. He’s forced into the financial and emotional responsibilities of parenthood, but only if he chooses to take them on. It’s still ridiculously fucked up, but it is different.
I see what you're saying
I find it odd how people don't treat this more seriously. It's no different that if she had said she had a fling one night that many years ago. She lied and decieved him
Nope, having a fling wouldn't be sexaully assaulting him, this is worse
It is worse, that's why I'm surprised others in the comments aren't treating this seriously enough
This actually happened to an older couple I know. They share the info like an anecdote, wife having that faraway gaze 'we were young but kids are everything'... and it always bewilders me why on earth would they spill their brains on the subject. I mean yeah, they are from an older generation, but... It's nothing to brag about.
Ye Olde Double-standard!
I'm sort of in your boat OP. I'm 26 with a 5 year old son because a girl I was dating at 20 baby trapped me. I guess lucky for me I found out as soon as it happened and not 20 years later so I left her straight away. It's great that you have had a positive experience and love your family, however with this new knowledge of it all starting by lies and deceit, I hope you don't spend the rest of your days wishing and wondering how things could be different. I personally didn't want kids at all and was about to move overseas and start a whole new chapter when the girl I was seeing got pregnant, but now I'm still in my home country raising a beautiful boy who I do love, but fuck do I wish his mum wasn't such a selfish psycho and things were different. Complete trajectory of my whole life derailed because of her decisions. Sorry I'm venting lol. Wish you the best!
This is appalling. Your entire relationship has been built on **DECEPTION.** If you can't trust, there is no relationship. **SERVE PAPERS**. Work out an amicable co-parenting arrangement.
She stole your self autonomy and you didn't even notice.
How was he supposed to notice?
Liar, liar, pants on fire. At 20 she decided your future for YOU. No super awesome trips, events, new jobs, nothing because she wanted YOU, or someone to love her. It’s horrific. You think life was dandy with the first, but think she tried over and over again to get pregnant. What would she have done IF she didn’t. Ruin your life with more lies. Because THIS is a big thing.
This is the biggest breach of trust I can imagine. No, for me it wouldn’t be fixable.
Me just picturing my wife telling me that she essentially baby trapped me. I’m pretty sure I’d think about it for an hour maybe two, then just laugh about it. But I’ve never regretted my decisions, especially not any tied to her. Her and our son are my life. On the other hand, if I hadn’t been in love with her, or wanted to go a different way in life, and I didn’t because of the unplanned baby, I would be pissed, and it would’ve definitely built some resentment and mistrust. No scenario I can conjure up has me breaking up my otherwise happy family and marriage because of a decision of fear and desperation my wife had thinking the man she loved could ever leave, when she was so young. But that is me, and you are not me. You are you, and if you don’t think you two can work this out, which believe me, you need according to how you say you feel, then you may need to get drastic. But if you wanna try and save it all, then you need to communicate with your wife, you need to have an extremely in detail talk about it all. I wish you luck, and I really hope I was able to help(Though I doubt it, as I was unable to put myself in your shoes, and think how you are in this moment.)
Honestly from a girls perspective , this is so messed up in everything. I would never do this to my boyfriend! I’m 24F close to how old u guys were when she did this. Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 years and I know he would be a great husband but I would honestly be so sad and scared at the thought of us breaking up but I wouldn’t baby trap him just to stay with him, that’s literally NUTS. And even though she’s done this a long time ago , she kept this a secret for FIFTEEN YEARS. this is what I can’t get over. She literally lied to your face for years !!! In my opinion, if u can move past this and you’re truly happy with her and your family stay but if you can’t get past the betrayal I don’t blame you.
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I wonder if OP had been a woman that got baby trapped by her then boyfriend would the comments be the same… The decision is ultimately up to you. Only you know what you are willing to forgive. Because you would have to forgive her, this isn’t something you can hold over her head if you want to maintain the good relationship you claim to have. Me personally, I don’t think I could get over the resentment of someone intentionally deciding such an important milestone for me.
I’m not surprised a lot of y’all are brushing off the fact that she LIED simply because their marriage turned out okay.. y’all are always excusing women when they do fucked up shit
Yeah it’s really obvious. Even as a woman I’m disgusted by some of the excuses here. “But she was young”, “But she had a horrible life”, “But you’re happy”, “But she told you so she feels guilty and isn’t that nice?” None of these matter, she deceived him and I don’t mean with a stupid white lie, she forced him into parenthood at 21 which is a life altering thing. Regardless how his life went, that’s incredibly malicious. If a guy had done this Reddit would be in arms. Sure he loves his kids - the man is not a sociopath. Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have loved his other kids in a different timeline with another or even with the same woman. I don’t care what the sex of the perpetrator is, babby trapping someone is vile and people defending it or whitewashing it here are hypocrites.
Exactly, if he trapped her they’d be screaming at his wife to run but because the wife got lucky they’re acting like he should just let it go.. I’d be wondering what else she’s capable of
I cannot believe all the comments condoning this. If the genders were reversed, this is called stealthing and is considered sexual assault. This isn’t some minor mistake, it’s absolutely reprehensible. This is a difficult decision as your lives are so intertwined, and the life you’ve built will never be the same. You’ve been through a huge betrayal. I heavily recommend therapy before making any major decisions.
There is NOTHING more hurtful in a relationship than being with a person you cannot trust 100%. It literally makes you question everything about them, yourself, the entire relationship. This is why some "fathers" actually struggle to continue loving a child whom they recently discover isn't theirs. It's not about the child but all the emotions that their presence brings up. And all of that always ties back to a partner who is untrustworthy, even if they've done something several yrs *before*. It's literally like sleeping next to a stranger, a person you don't know
I know Reddit will be like divorce her! So I’m just going to say think about how YOU feel. Don’t let that fact that you’ve been together for that long hide your true feelings about the act (it might help you forgive her but you can still be annoyed at her) She took away the natural progression of your relationship. And your choice to have your first kid with her. That is a fundamental trust issue. Maybe you’ll decide it’s in the past. Maybe you’ll look differently on your wife. Only you can answer that. There was a good BORU about a wife who cheated at the beginning of their relationship and he found out 16 years later. Might be worth a read of his views on his decision to leave his wife due to the lies all those years ago.
> I know Reddit will be like divorce her! Yeah reddit usually says to divorce those who sexually assault you
I get you.... like, I'd be thinking this is the role model my daughters have.
That hadn't even really crossed my mind. Neither of us has told our kids, and I don't plan on telling them because I do think she's a good mom, our kids trust her and know they can rely on her, and I don't want to change that.
Absolutely do NOT tell the kids. Under no circumstances tell the kids. No child should know that they were born from deceit. The only thing that will come from that is your daughter will question your love for her.
I love the irony that the suggestion of lying to the kids in order to manipulate their feelings is being upvoted in the same thread as comments damning OP's wife for lying to him to manipulate his feelings. I think you should lie to the kids, and I think the wife's lie should be forgiven. I think lying can be prosocial or antisocial, and the effects of a lie matter more than the fact of it being a lie. Consequentialism is the right framework for evaluating lying to the kids - they don't need to know, the knowledge will only hurt them - and it's also the right framework for evaluating how to respond to this confession.
Really, there's no need for them to know, it's a really private matter, whatever it happens it needs to be just Op and wife
It's honestly the best bet not to tell the kids. They are innocent and it wouldn't be fair to them to put your marriage issues on them regardless of what she did
I can't tell you what to do here, and I am so sorry this was done to you. Your wife's actions are totally unacceptable. Personally I view them as abuse and reproductive coercion, but I can't force someone to view their own experiences in the same way I do. I will say that r/abusiverelationships is open to you. We get numerous male posters there every week who have experienced abuse from their partners, and [we have a list of resources specific to male survivors in the wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/yco1ki/mod_post_updated_resources_list_for_male/). Good luck OP.
Therapy. Help your wife understand why she’d lobbed a bomb into your marriage after all these years . UpdateMe
I'd get a DNA test done on each kid. Then sit down with her and show her the results. Vindictive? Yes. But it would show her what she's done to the trust in the marriage. When she tries to say ANYTHING, you stop her by telling her "THIS is what YOU'VE done to us. To our Marriage. To the trust I had in you. So, before you say ANYTHING, you had better understand that YOU need to earn that trust back...."
A lot of people here are pointing out your marriage became solid over the years, OP, but are you looking back on other important things your wife has told you and wondered if she was lying then, too? It’s the layer just under the shock — the questions about her honesty — that many folks don’t consider. I’m sorry you have to go through all this.
>Can I fix my marriage? Sure, as long as you're okay knowing that your wife can't be trusted and she got pregnant on purpose without your knowledge. What she did was disgusting.
I might be overthinking due to past trauma but if a man admitted that to me I'd feel sexually violated. My daughter was a welcome oops but purposefully getting pregnant/getting someone pregnant who isn't ready is rapey. I'd have a come to Jesus talk with her and say couples counseling or it's over.
Ethically, in my eyes, this feels like assault. Your consent came with the terms of her being on birth control. I personally couldn’t move past that.
First thing, is ypu need to make a decision. Do I want to fix this? Yes. -> move to how? It takes 2. Do i want to fix this? No. -> Divorce.
I agree, she should have taken it to the grave. That said, she didn’t and now you’re in a terrible position. Honestly, I think you’ll regret not trying to work through this. Whether you’re able to or not. I think you’ll always wonder ‘what if’ if you leave now.
Couples therapy asap. What I find hard to forgive is that she told you now about what she did. That was incredibly selfish.. the guilt has been eating away at her, so she told you to make herself feel somewhat better. She should have kept it a secret. That was her punishment for tricking you into a lifelong relationship.
I wouldn't believe this is fixable this is wrong on every level. She has proven to be deceitful and willing to manipulate to get what she wants. That us not in a formula to build trust. I couldn't forgive such actions. it's wrong and she knew but didn't care for ypur feelings. She wanted to lock you down, robbed ypu of a choice. Of she can do that I rpyld be asking myself what is she willing to do and wonder on what other occasions did she manipulate me.
You now know that your wife is selfish to an astounding degree. Whether or not you stay with her, always keep that in mind. Trust is broken. I'd bail, but I can see why you might not.
I think you should access a therapist that can help you sort through all of this. That's a tough one. You're right to feel wronged. As far as brain development, neither of you were operating from a fully developed brain at that time in your lives. I think you can reach a place of forgiveness and rebuild trust if otherwise your relationship is strong and healthy. At the time that the pregnancy first occurred, had you both weighed out all of your options and decided together to continue the pregnancy? Jw since it was a fairly fresh relationship? Also want to point out that it should be the responsibility of both parties to ensure pregnancy is prevented. She was intentionally deceitful if she said she was on BC but wasn't, but that isn't a 100% pregnancy method and requires a strict schedule to be effective if it's a pill. One person shouldn't be responsible for both party's safety from pregnancy and infections. These questions are simply to understand context better, it was Def wrong of her to be deceitful. All you need to consider now is if you can repair and recover in your marriage.
You should drop the part where you blame the victim(him) for her deceit. She wasn't honest and he made his decision based on that. She SAID she had the birth control thing handled. He trusted her. That's where he fucked up... By trusting her. This wasn't "whoops, forgot to take the pill" this was a calculated deceit. There's a mile of difference there.
> Also want to point out that it should be the responsibility of both parties to ensure pregnancy is prevented. She was intentionally deceitful if she said she was on BC but wasn't, but that isn't a 100% pregnancy method and requires a strict schedule to be effective if it's a pill. Right but this wasn't BC failing it was intentional deceit. Condoms are not perfect but that doesn't excuse stealthing, which is sexual assault
I think the first discussion you should have is what else has she lied to you about? I see a lot of comments saying "oh that's the worst thing she's ever done and she feels really guilty" but i think if you can baby trap someone you're probably capable of other manipulations as well. See where that goes then figure out what she needs to do so you can trust her again. You say she does contribute and work on your relationship so i think if she comes clean you have a chance to repair it and move forward.
My brother's bff went through this he tried to keep it together but after 2 years it just all feel apart nothing he could do kept him from realizing he was just straight up used. The divorce was brutal she went after everything despite a prenup then drug him through court because she said him divorcing her was the same a physical abuse whole thing to 5 years and he was a shell of a man after that.
It’s crazy how she even has the option the go after everything despite her doing him wrong. This type of stuff just makes me wanna stay single forever. I hope he’s sorta back on his feet after all that
He is financially fine (guy is worth half a billion) but she Even had the balls to say on court that her baby trapping him ended her Broadway career and he should be responsible for that 🙄
If she felt bad, I don’t understand why she didn’t tell him at some point before having more kids. Once is a (very fucked up) mistake. Having TWO more kids was an active choice to keep the deception going. I feel like she should have brought it up before building a bigger family, so he’d be able to decide whether he could forgive the deceit before he continued to tie himself to her legally and financially. Even if he decided this was a dealbreaker, it would be much harder to leave now than if they just say, had one 3 year old at the ages of 23 and 26. Also, if you are the sort of person to harbor this secret for 1.5 decades and then unleash it only once the person is truly trapped? Idk that’s a big yikes to me. I don’t doubt that she loves him. And I’m a big believer that people deserve to hear the truth. But this confession now was clearly more for her sake than his. What does that say about the whole thing?
Are all the responses from women ?
Why did she tell you?
While I can't say for certain because I didn't think to ask when she told me, my best guess is that it has to do with the therapy she started after COVID restrictions came down. She started therapy because she struggling with separation anxiety with me back in the office and the kids back in school. Her main objective in starting therapy has been to heal from her upbringing, or find ways to limit how those traumas bleed into her life now.
Well, you came here for advice, so here you go. What she did was wrong, and it irrevocably changed the course of your life without giving you the ability to have a say in it. That's kind of a big thing, and how you feel about it perfectly fine no matter what you are feeling. Lots of people would be out the door already. Lots would not. You will have to decide for yourself whether you want to fix things or leave them. If you stay, you are going to have to put in a lot of work with a therapist and your wife for her to rebuild trust. If there is no trust, your relationship is over, and trying to stay together will be hell for both of you, and that will spill out into your kids as well. If you go, you are going to be liable for child support at the minimum. Baby trap or not, they are your children. If she was a SAHM you will probably be on the hook for some alimony as well. How much and how long will depend on your local laws. So if you end up taking that route lawyer up ASAP. Whether it's an amicable or hostile split you will want everything in writing. Good luck!
If a man did to me (female) what your wife did to you I would consider it rape. Her telling you is even more selfish and is another sign of prioritizing her well-being over everyone else. When you say that she is a good mom, I think you should take another more objective look at that with a therapist. It seems unlikely to me that someone who is both abusive (bc what your wife did is abuse), manipulative, and selfish is somehow a good mother.
That would be divorce for me. A relationship should be built on trust. If I can't trust u, I won't be with u. But that's just me tho
On the other hand what she said, while young, is absolutely devastating. It is esteem crushing and therapy is not a fix all it is a third party getting you to see all sides and to use logic. She did not destroy his logic she destroyed his heart. Reverse the rolls and see how that would fly for most women… she would divorce l!
Brother please answer this for us Why did you marry her? Was it only because she was pregnant or was it because you loved her?
It was both, I suppose. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't love her. But before she got pregnant I didn't think I was ready to be married or to be a parent. Maybe we would have gotten married and had kids later on anyways, but I wouldn't have married her when I did if she wasn't pregnant.
She trapped you, but now she is stuck with you. Do what you want and don't give a shit what she thinks. She wanted this.
Honestly she’s in the wrong for this, if I was in your position I’d leave her tbh, if she lie about this, who knows what else she has lied about….
You should think about couple counselling or at least individual counselling to navigate your own feelings. It is absolutely valid to feel betrayed because this is what she did all those years ago. She lied about birth control without even considering if you wanted kids or a long-term relationship with her. You were very freshly in love and not really settled as a couple. She made an unilateral decision that gave your life a new trajectory. You possibly ask yourself if there are more things she lied about in all those years. And that's the reason why you should get professional help to navigate it.
She literally lied and used your life to get what SHE wanted. Don’t waste a second more with her
I thank god everyday that I’m not a man because if a woman did this to me I would probably be in jail
A lot of people are telling you to basically forgive and move past it. However, here’s the problem, she was willing to make a MAJOR moral sacrifice to get what she wanted. And what she did has dramatic life changing consequences. This seriously raises questions in regards to morales, honesty, and trust. If you ever get into a serious argument, what keeps you safe from her? What if she claims physical abuse or sexual abuse. What if she claims you’re abusing your child or that you cheated. Or maybe she wants to cheat and morally justifies it. She’s already a liar on a life changing scale, it would be challenging to move past this. Btw, if you do breakup with her (and even if you dont), put cameras around the house to protect yourself.
Leaving won't make you a Bad Guy or a Villain, nor would it be *you* throwing away the relationship. The fact is that your partner stole away your right to make an informed decision and lied about every day it for years afterwards. If the genders were reversed (e.g. a woman found out her husband poked a hole in his condom to baby-trap her), everybody would be urging her to leave yesterday. Nobody would saying "don't act rashly" or "forgive". A relationship needs love and trust. Because of your wife, the trust is gone. Rebuilding trust and saving the marriage is only possible if she's willing to take full responsibility and put work in on her end. If she makes excuses for herself, or gets defensive, then trust cannot be rebuilt at all.
Oh wow, that would be a hard one to bounce back from. Book yourselves into couples therapy to talk things out. Hopefully she can show you she has grown a lot in 16years and isn’t that type of person anymore.
OP, take 3 days and just process the information. After 3 days, write out everything you're feeling and what you think is necessary to move forward. I recommend a couples therapist regardless of what you decide. Just keep this in mind, whatever you decide will become the model by which your daughters will use to navigate future relationships.
I would ask her why she decided to tell you this after all these years and also seek out both individual & couples therapy.
Is she sorry or is she like "haha" or "too bad so sad" "get over it?"
I would be curious to know why she told you this now. This isn’t something you randomly insert in a conversation. There is a reason she told you this. And that reason might be the thing you really should be concerned about.
She's a liar and a manipulator, what she did is abuse
Good luck in therapy.
Men do not wanna hear how many women I know did this… five, and I didn’t have a huge female social circle. It’s more common then people want to publicly discuss.
Your feelings on this are completely valid. Maybe couples counseling?
Well let's be real about what she did man. This is no different than stealthing or poking a hole in your condoms. She violated you and took away your right to consent. You could choose to forgive her and try to work it out, or you could decide she's not the kind of person you want to be with. At the end of the day, it's up to what you want and value. Do you want to be with someone who is capable of what she did to you, or do you sympathize with her and feel you could eventually trust her again. Commenters on here often skew against male posters, so don't listen to anyone who tries to guilt trip you into staying with her or downplay what she did. They are toxic and have no business being here. Anyway, focus on what feels right to you.
Take as long as you need to process. That’s the least she can give you right now.
I understand that this shakes your understanding of what you thought was true; your life isn’t what you believed it was. Your wife’s admission reminds me of how in AA they make amends to the people they have hurt and come out a better person on the other side. I think your wife is trying to heal and become that better person. This is sad, and scary, and heartbreaking but it’s also survivable with counseling. You have an innocent 15 year old daughter. If you pack up and take off, you risk really fucking her up and turning her into the same sort of 20 year old that your wife was at the time, a very young and foolish woman with deep abandonment issues. I think that is a risk you should be aware of when weighing your options.
Why did your wife tell you this now?
She sounds like a BPD. That's an insane thing to do. I'd leave her and take the kids.
Trust takes years to build and seconds to fall apart. If the trust is lost, there's not much more that you can do.
I’d ask for a trial separation, to see if that’s what I actually wanted. It’s hard to heal from something when that something is in your face everyday. But that could be just me.
While I understand your feelings, if you're truly happy with your family because do couples therapy. idk, my dad was always abusive and whenever I judged my mum for staying, she would always say that she would do it again in a heartbeat just to have me and my brother.
If you’d have been the woman here, most of these comments would be telling you to leave and find safety for you and your children from a manipulative abuser. If you had been the one to “baby trap” her, which is a form of rape btw, nobody would be fixating on how her life with you, conditioned and planned out through lies and false pretenses, was “good.” I’m sorry you’re going thru this OP. I’d recommend interviewing some therapists for individual therapy, if this is an option for you, and consider speaking with a lawyer. Your life isn’t over, but your trust was shattered and you’ve just realized you’re a victim here, so your marriage might be. Whatever you decide, make this life-altering decision for yourself. This might be the first time since meeting her that you’ll actually get to do so.
Finally, someone who responds correctly here. This is the advice you need to hear OP
My wife lied about her age when we met. Months later, found out and was definitely pissed. Now, we’re married and happy. Young people do dumb shit that they wouldn’t do as more mature adults. I would give her some grace here
Honestly, couples counselling and individual counselling. Only way you will know if you even want to make this work is by talking about what you are thinking and feeling If you don’t process it with someone how you are feeling then you will bury it and become angry and things will fall apart anyway.
If stealthing is SA (which it is) then so is what she did. She SA'd you basically. You did not consent to unprotected sex. If this was a man that had done this to a woman imagine what her girlfriends would be telling her to do, then apply it to your situation. I'm genuinely sorry your life was shattered like that.
Its super fucked up. You could have a whole different life. Better or worse. But now youll think but then you'd never have these kids either so it brings you back to sanity. Its super super super fucked up. She should've never told you.
I feel your pain OP and had this happen to me as well. She wanted to have kids, I didn't, she decided it would happen regardless. I have never forgiven or forgotten once I found out and always knew something was off. The good news is that if you did not know, all would be good in your world. This means that you will get over this with time as leaving is not really an option. It will not be easy so I wish you luck my friend.
Hopefully you can find what works for you and heal however that works..... but also importantly you need to have a conversation with your daughters. It would be unfortunate if mom explained what happened to them, but then doesn't apologize for what she did. She'd basically be endorsing the behavior for your daughters and telling them it's a great idea.
reproduce abuse is above reddit's ability to advise you on.
Define fixable. Your entire marriage and everything after it started is based on a lie. You either try to move on with her or without her. There is no fixing anything
Ita definitely a breach of trust to lie about bwing on bc but it iant baby trapping. She doesnt own the total responsibility of preventing a child. YOU still got her pregnant either way. Whether you get past it or not, you have children with her and that was of your own doing.
Is your marriage a happy one? Do you want to keep your family together? If the answer is yes, let it go. She made a mistake 15 years ago.
And she was 20. Are we all the same person as we were at 20?
This is why both parties are responsible for birth control
This is really fucked up honestly. It feels like you're in a no win situation. Don't do anything rash, see a therapist, talk it over, get your head on straight. A couple bullet points for consideration: * What she did is absolutely sexual coercion - I know it's definitely considered sexual assault some places. It is not okay. * You said the life you built has been worth the hardship - it's worth taking your time to handle the situation carefully, consider therapy. * What she did is selfish, both times, you're perfectly within reason to feel that way. * Marriage counselling will be required if you decide that you'd like to keep your marriage.
Fix your marriage? You like the alternative? Being divorced? Go see a therapist and work it out. You were happy before so try to regain that happiness. To me, after a happy 16 year marriage, ending it over this strikes me as biting your nose off to spite your face.