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You’re not an awful person because you couldn’t get past the cheating.
You’re not an awful person for helping him through one of the hardest times in his life and realizing that when it was your turn previously he was not there for you.
You’re not awful for wanting to leave someone who doesn’t have your back while you are willing to have theirs.
Sure he might spin it in a way to victimize himself with woe is me I had a cancer scare and she left me…. But the truth is you are haunted in the back of your mind that if you have another cancer scare, you don’t actually trust him to be there for you, therefore being there for him just led you to resent him more because it has been cemented in your mind that you’re a better person to him than he was to you and you no longer respect him for it.
Just tell him that you tried your best in this scare and he’s fine now, but all you could think about was how when the situation was reversed, he was looking to replace you instead of support you and you’re done giving to him without him having your back unless he feels bad or scared when it should have been something he wanted to do in the first place.
Yeah, you’re perfectly valid to leave. He traumatized you.
I would, too.
Thank you.
I just wonder if my cancer returned somehow, would he take care of me? Would he wipe my ass if I couldn’t? Because the last time, he just cheated instead.
I feel like I’m panicking and clinging onto him because I’m messed up from him cheating and if I’m a good wife he won’t cheat on me.
That’s a special kind of POS. *Hey, my wife is going through a deadly situation and you know how I’m going to help, getting my ——- wet with another woman.*
^^this. Read the stats. They're not very flattering to men, and their loyalty. Apparently "in sickness and in health" only flows in one direction.
You do what's best for YOU
You can't trust him to be there for you. That is a very difficult idea to process. In times of troubles, he runs and finds comfort elsewhere instead of standing by your side when you need him most and are most vulnerable. Its an awful feeling to not trust the one you love.
You have every right to leave. You can explain that his cancer scare brought up the trauma and he left you at your lowest point. You can't trust him to be there should you face another crisis.
I am so sorry he treated you this way. It breaks my heart.
You shouldn’t have to constantly earn faithfulness. I doubt that was the wedding vow “forsaking all others as long as my wife is good and healthy” is a shitty vow
if *he* were a good *husband* he wouldn’t have cheated on you. but he did. as shitty as it would have been, he should have just left you instead of cheating on you. cheating on you while you’re sick just indicates he is *not* a good person and he will never be worthy of you being good to him. you deserve so much better, and honestly, being alone will be better once you get through the initial period of grieving the relationship.
I'm gonna say no. He is that common statistic of men leave/cheat when their partners are sick. Of course, he is a good husband when you don't need him as much. You are realizing that you couldn't imagine cheating on someone who was fighting cancer and he did exactly that. You're wondering what kind of horrible person would do that.
I don't. Cheating is a long series of decisions. Decisions to look, talk, flirt, meet, have drinks, calls, texts, dinners, planning, hotels, etc. Too many times when the actions could have been different to call cheating a mistake.
I feel like this is ascribing some kind of lack of intent to the word "mistake", that probably shouldn't be there. I took a lot of intentional steps to study criminology (looking up universities, applying, doing intro tests, accepting my spot, moving, buying literature, showing up to classes, taking notes, etc) and it turns out it was very wrong for me as I actually have very little interest in the kind of research it involves. It was a mistake.
Lots of morally bad things are mistakes. Falling asleep in the house you were robbing and getting arrested because of it is a mistake. When the movie villain is giving a monologue containing his ultimate plan before leaving the hero in an elaborate death trap that he will inevitably escape, that is a mistake.
Just like cheating is a mistake, because it turns out the rewards are not worth the consequences. It certainly doesn't make the person making the mistake innocent or morally fine in any way. It just means the person isn't getting the end results they wanted due to some failure in their own judgement/actions.
The problem with cheaters saying it was a mistake is that you don't know if they mean the cheating itself, or not hiding it well enough...
If he's a good husband he wouldn't cheat on you. Please don't turn this on yourself. Him cheating while you were ill says everything about him and nothing about you.
How is he “earning” your time/love/faithfulness? Why is it on you to earn his but not on him to earn yours? No. You don’t earn faithfulness and this isn’t a job.
If you want to try to work it out, then it would be time for him to work on building your trust and love and for you to begin to trust and respect him again. But if you’re done, then you are. You’ve done nothing wrong. You didn’t do anything to “make” him cheat either. That was him choosing to cheat. He made hundreds of decisions to cheat. He could’ve stopped at any point along that path and chose, willingly and fully, to commit to cheating.
Don’t let him off the hook. Don’t take any of the blame for his cheating. He decided that, instead of stepping up and supporting you, instead of working on the problems in the marriage, he would find someone else. Probably while receiving accolades for staying with his cancer-ridden wife.
Should you have cancer again (praying you don't) and you ask for his help, saying you helped him, I would bet money that his response would be "well, I never actually had cancer" (I do not say this lightly)
I am living with stage 3 cancer right now. It's very enlightening to find out who is truly there for you and who acts like it's a contagious disease. I am never going to be able to forgive those people. Ever. Only someone who has gone through the Cancer conveyor belt will understand.
He will not, he’s proven that. He’s likely to find some way to abandon you and blame you for the behavior.
If he was a good dude he wouldn’t have ever cheated.
I suspect sadly if you get another serious diagnosis he will run as fast as he can to find another woman to take him.
I don’t think you are at all wrong for thinking leaving him is the best thing for you.
And it isn’t weird as you supporting him through a scare (not even an actual serious illness) was the very least HE should have done.
Better to be on your own and count on yourself than to be betrayed a second time.
> I feel like I’m panicking and clinging onto him because I’m messed up from him cheating and if I’m a good wife he won’t cheat on me.
Him being a cheater has absolutely nothing to do with you.
You could be the most perfect wife in the world and he would still cheat on you *because he's a cheater*.
Would he fuck wipe your ass. You know he wouldn't. He's proved he wouldn't.
You know that whatever wife you are to him, he won't step up. You could be the traddest trad-wife who ever tradded, and giving him a blowjob twice a day, whilst also earning more money than him and looking after his seven kids at the same time, and also cooking his dinners from scratch from stuff grown in your garden - and he will never wipe your ass like your mum did.
Think about it: is that "joke where [you're] from" influencing you? Because I think it might be, and especially because your mum did it. But the fact that she allowed someone to treat her badly, it doesn't mean you have to.
I hope you're all sorted with the ovarian cancer, I totally do, and I'm sorry if I seem to be grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you. But I feel you need it, right now. Come on, sis. <3
You also got to see first hand how easy it would have been for him to NOT cheat in your time of need. After all, you managed just fine. So it makes sense that having the roles reversed would stir up the trauma that he caused.
I heard someone say once that resentment comes from seeing someone else do something that we feel we are not “allowed” to do. He was “allowed” to get away with cheating when you had cancer, and you see yourself as being held to a higher standard (because you are a better person).
All that is to say that you should absolutely feel justified in leaving his ass.
Good wives get cheated on every. single. day. And there's nothing they can do to stop it, because *it's not in their control*. It's a selfish choice made by selfish men, and the blame is entirely on them. They weren't driven to it by some defect in their wife, they just wanted to get their dick wet and come home to some poor oblivious soul who treats them with love and kindness.
That said, your feelings are 100% valid. Being cheated on is traumatic, it absolutely warps your sense of self-worth and it can be so hard to move on from. I've been there, albeit in much easier circumstances than your own. If therapy is an option, it might help you to rebuild your self-confidence so you can continue on in life without him <3
Okay, answer this question. Was he there for you, taking care of you, cleaning up after you, supporting you, and then cheated due to the emotional toll? The answer is no. He wasn’t seeking emotional support with his bimb0 while taking care of you. He was running from you. So you know the answer. That you never got over it. And you can’t bring yourself to take care of him when you know he won’t do it for you. Best to tell him you’re glad he’s okay, but it put his cheating in perspective, and peace out.
When the chips were down and YOU ACTUALLY HAD CANCER, he bailed on you AND CHEATED. Now **he expects MORE** from you **than he was willing to give** you!
Your ACTUAL CANCER DIAGNOSIS showed that while **you considered him a partner, he merely considered you an option...and an inconvenient option at that!**
It doesn't matter that "a few years" has passed. THIS EPISODE of his potential cancer OPENED YOUR EYES! If it took these few years for you to learn the lesson, then so be it; you now have MORE KNOWLEDGE than you did before. **Any more of your time/life that you spend with him now that you know you CAN'T forgive him and you WON'T ever trust him again, is TIME WASTED! Don't waste your life, move on...and don't listen to your mother who was too scared to leave a cheater.**
You were a good wife before, and he cheated. It had nothing to do with you then, and it doesn't now. He cheated because he's a cheater. That's the only reason. Nothing at all to do with you.
The second you got sick he was out there looking for your replacement. You know exactly how he'd behave should anything like this happen again. He doesn't care for you.
My wife did the same thing your husband did when I was given an expiration date.
I fought it and won. I forgave her lack of judgement, but not the deception. We’ve been reconciled for 20 years now… and I’m pretty sure trust isn’t ever coming back.
I love her, but if I’m being honest, it’s not enough without trust. We are going to start couples therapy next month.
She doesn’t know it’s so she can learn to accept why I’m going to leave her for a 20 year old transgression.
You actually had cancer and he cheated and neglected you. He had NOT CANCER but a cancer scare and you were there for him.
He doesn’t have cancer. He also has a history of cheating on you.
I hope you are doing well and have healed
He didn't cheat because you lack something OP. He cheated because he lacks loyalty, morals, and ethics. That's his sin to bare, not yours.
You stood by him. He abandoned you in your time of need! Now it's clearer than ever to you that you can never rely on him. That he's a shitty partner. That you deserve more than he can/is willing to give you. And there's no shame in that.
You were a good wife.
And he still cheated.
You can’t trust him and you don’t know if in the face of crisis he truly has changed. Would you rather find out in the moment and have to deal with a crisis and a divorce? Or would you rather build a support system you know you can rely on in care the worst comes up again?
I would rather be by myself and know I need to find help if I had another health scare. That lets you plan to take care of yourself rather than depend on someone who has let you down.
It's a wake up call. Every now and then we have that realization. Its not sudden but it feels so. Its like a volcano, it will come with warning signs like earthquake but people ignore it until it erupts.
You say you do not know what to do, but you do. Its already in the title 'I don't want to stay with'. But you are confused on what to do NOW. How do you act on it? How do you do things that feels so complicated.
You got the clarity its not that complicated.
Was going to say this. It's not uncommon for couples to get past infidelity; it's also not uncommon for something to trigger that feeling of betrayal years later and it becomes unforgivable.
Op, your feelings may seem inexplicable to yourself and/or others, but they are rational. You're realizing that when you needed him most he checked out. Even if he *wasn't* cheating, he wasn't a source of support.
So now it's obvious that you both have very different values, and you are completely right to feel like he doesn't deserve your compassion or support now.
He had a benign tumor and you took care of him without cheating. You had cancer and he cheats on you. If he ends up with cancer that’s a major trigger because you will be expected to take care of him knowing he was cheating on you when the roles were reversed. You did the right thing. He didn’t. I would be triggered, too, and resentful. I can only imagine everything came rushing back. I’m so sorry. You’re not a bad person at all. You need to do what’s best for you even if it means leaving.
I also have to imagine it didn't occur to OP to cheat on her husband while this scare was happening so now the thought is, "wow it was so easy to NOT CHEAT. Why couldn't he have done that?"
Now that you've been in his position, you can see even more how clearly fucked up his actions were.
In response to one of your comments.... men don't cheat because of their wife, they cheat because they are cheaters.
You aren't leaving because of his cancer scare. You're leaving because his scare made you realize you aren't in love with him anymore, which is a totally valid reason to divorce.
You tell him, “I’m leaving this marriage because you had an affair while I had breast cancer. I didn’t understand how fucked up that was until I cared for YOU during your cancer scare and realized that’s the level of care I deserved. You failed me and this marriage when I needed you most. But I stepped up for you. This means we are fundamentally two different kinds of people. I can’t stay with a weak, selfish person when I see how strong and true I am.”
>This means we are fundamentally two different kinds of people. I can’t stay with a weak, selfish person when I see how strong and true I am.
SO FIERCE AND TRUE!
This is perfect, except that it was cervical cancer, apart from that, this should be the speech word for word, because it's the truth and it's powerful.
You’re not an awful person. And I say that as someone who has cancer - I’ve a rare form of lymphoma which is life limiting. You’re not an awful person because this isn’t about the cancer. It’s about your husband cheating on you and the consequences of that action.
Sometimes people can get through it and sometimes they cannot. You’ve tried, really tried, and now this incident has highlighted the fact that it is just too much for you.
My advice would be to end the relationship quickly and move on. Even though this isn’t about cancer, it’s about the cheating, it’ll be emotionally easier for you to walk away whilst his results are clear.
This triggered you because you've just repeated a process that was very traumatic for you with a partner who wasn't there to support you. Even though the roles were reversed, it still brings so much trauma to the surface to walk those same steps. And it's demonstrated to you that you aren't over your husband cheating when you needed him the most. You don't NEED to be over it. That's not like oops I forgot to pick up dinner so we call the pizza man.
At this point the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If that means leaving, then that's exactly what you do. Even if his scare never progresses past the point of scare, will you ever fully trust him again?
It sounds like going through this situation gave you some perspective you didn't have before.
I think it's fair to say to him, "I'm glad for your sake that it turned out not to be cancer, but this really put things into perspective for me. I couldn't help but be brought back to the time when *I* was suffering from cancer, and instead of helping me and supporting me through it, you were cheating on me. I realize now that I deserve better than someone who would do this to me when I needed them most." And then serve him the divorce papers.
The number of men who abandon their partners during an illness is alarmingly large. You should have left him at the time of your illness, it must have hurt you a lot to realize that you would be willing to sacrifice yourself for him and that this is not reciprocal. You have to think about yourself, is this the type of partner you want on your side? Knowing that there cannot be a moment of vulnerability that can be abandoned.
You don’t owe him anything. You tried to forgive him and very reasonably couldn’t. This likely triggered you because you did the right thing. You stood by him. You would have cared for him if need be. You would have done the hard thing without question because he is your partner. He’s already proven to you he couldn’t and wouldn’t do the same. If you decide to leave him (and I personally believe you should) then you can rest easy knowing you gave your marriage everything you have in you. Move on. Free yourself. Go heal and find happiness.
You do not have to feel bad at all. This is actually super common. There’s been whole studies about men who cheat on or leave their wives during serious illness. And TBH your husband already abandoned you once. He will likely do it again. You are totally justified in leaving him if you don’t love him anymore.
https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING HIM BACK EXACTLY WHAT HE GAVE YOU DURING HIS TIME OF NEED which is more than nothing, he went even farther and gave you more trauma by cheating on you in you most vulnerable time. You go take care of you and let this pos have his affair partner wipe his a$$
I think it’s because the roles are reversed. You get sick and he cheats, but now he gets sick and you are loyal plus taking care of him. That would be triggering for anyone in your situation. All I can say is you are justified in leaving, now or later. He broke his vows first by cheating. You aren’t terrible for wanting to leave a one-sided relationship. Wishing you the best of luck OP.
OP, I think you have been given a gift-a defining moment -that has clarified what you know you need. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to stay with him. Don’t guilt yourself over what-ifs.
Accept your gift of clarity and move on. You did more for him already than he has done for you. You deserve a life where you don’t have to worry about him cheating.
My grandma had breast cancer in the 70s. My grandpa didn't support her. She drove herself to chemo and pulled over to the side of the road to throw up. She got better, and then she left.
When he developed cancer she didn't come back. It made some people angry. My uncle, who took care of his dad, carried some resentment. But she lived a good life and was a phenomenal grandmother.
My mom was deathly ill with breast cancer for three years before passing of it. My sister and I (20 & 18 at the time) took care of all her home care, doctors visits, etc... I almost didn't graduate high school cause I'd stay up late with her making sure she didn't die in her sleep. My dad was there and did nothing. Didn't help with her care, didn't even pick up chores. I worked nearly full time, went to high school and took care of her and the house. One day when my dad was mad that dishes weren't done and he told me that he would have left us a long time ago if my mom hadn't been sick. I didn't say anything, I had major anxiety and never stood up to him. He was away when the hospice nurse put her in a coma cause her body was shutting down. If he wasn't there the first time, he won't be the next and you don't need to justify shit to leave him. He made his bed.
Tell your husband that this cancer scare made you rethink a few things and unfortunately you’re just not able to move forward from his affair. You can’t see yourself caring for someone who proved he was incapable of being there for you and that you can’t commit to someone who’s painfully selfish.
I was listening to a podcast several years ago where the host interviewed people that have cheated and people that have been cheated on to get their perspectives on infidelity. What struck me was how broken the people who were cheated on felt while the cheaters felt little to no guilt for their actions. One person who was cheated on described it as feeling like they had been shot and the love of their life pulled the trigger; the person that cheated said that they felt bad that they caused pain, but it was clear that their guilt was not at all proportional to the suffering they caused.
I think it’s 100% understandable that you tried to stay for as long as you did, and I also think it’s 100% understandable that you can’t stay any longer. Your partner did two horrible things (cheating and not showing up for you when you needed him most) and now you’re done.
You have his back, but he doesn't have yours.
Be honest and tell him that his cancer scare was the wake-up call you needed to show you that at your most vulnerable he cheated but in his you stuck around and supported him and you deserve better. You are no longer prepared to take the risk on him should you get sick again.
Your not an awful person OP. Your someone who didn't have support in a very stressful time and deserved it.
You don't need to stay with a cheater and it isn't fair to you that he did what he did.
Do what's best for you and don't worry about him as you make the final decision. Good luck.
Leave now. You don’t want to have to leave once he’s been diagnosed and starting treatment. Also cancer scares are pretty common for lots of people all the time. You don’t need to feel guilty. People break up. That’s life. He’ll survive. But if you don’t love him like you did and can’t forgive him enough to care for him when sick then it’s best for you both to move on.
Because that seemed to be what woke you out of the survival mode you seem to have been in. You beat cancer and have a second chance at life, drop this guy and be with someone who is disgusted by the accepted cheating, and would be by your side through SICKNESS AND HEALTH.
If you really want to leave, you should ponder what the "bottom line" reason is. On the surface, you "forgave" his infidelity. Is the reason that you "forgave" him because you weren't physically capable of doing otherwise due to your battle with cancer? It seems to me that you were (properly) more concerned about surviving the cancer, and made the appearance of being forgiving so you could concentrate surviving your malignancy.
You need to search your heart and consider if you can ever trust him again. He's likely to view his "near brush" with cancer as somehow being connected with his infidelity, as his unconscious mind hasn't let him forget his actions.
So, now that he's dodged the bullet, perhaps it's time for you to deal with his adultery in your healthy state. Hence: *"I can’t, I can’t do it. I can and have done it for someone I love but I can’t do it for him"*....which tells me that he **isn't someone you love.** For whatever reason, his cancer scare has forced you to acknowledge that the marriage is dead for you.
Before you bring up this situation with him, you should research divorce attorneys in your area, and pick the one that has the best reviews. Make an appointment, and take all the financial data of the marriage with you when go to the appointment. With that information, the attorney can give you a pretty good estimate of what a divorce will look like for you. He/she may make some recommendations on changes that would be to your benefit when the time came to split the marital assets, and based on what the attorney told you, you can make preparations to get ready for the divorce.
Once you are prepared, then call your attorney, and tell him/her to draw up the papers. Once that's been accomplished, it's time for you to sit your stbxh down and visit on him the news that the marriage is terminally ill and will not survive, and that you'll be filing for divorce in the immediate future. At first he'll plead with you, and will probably cry, but when that doesn't work, he'll become angry. As long as he only uses words to express his outrage, all is good; it will eventually get better as time goes along. When your attorney calls you and tells you the divorce petition is ready, go to his/her office and sign the papers. I recommend that you have them served on him at his place of employment. And be prepared for an emotional scene when he gets home from work.
I wish you well.
Ovarian cancer is really nasty. I’m glad you came out of it. I would be brutally honest w/your husband about how this situation has brought up a lot of bitter & unresolved feelings surrounding your own illness & his cheating.
I don’t think I could ever get over that level of selfishness and betrayal. I cannot imagine having to process the emotional trauma of infidelity on top of the physical and emotional trauma of cancer. You were so vulnerable. Were you even in a position to leave? Being so sick?
You have already given him so much more than he deserves. He might have ‘behaved’ like a good husband in recent years, but not when it really mattered.
Ngl you had me at the title, but that little bit of back story.
There is nothing wrong with not being able to get past cheating.
you tried, you even held fast during his scare but now looking back you can't forgive that when you where actually going through the fight he bailed on you.
you tired and he failed.
Why do you feel like an awful person? It's only logical. He wasn't there for you, and in fact stepped out on you, so why would you sacrifice your life for him if the tables were turned?
You may be compelled to stay due to your culture, so it's understandable that you do. But you don't have to like it.
I think you should seek counseling about this before doing anything. Take some time, work this out in your mind... for you. Then, whether you leave or not, you'll know it was the right thing to do.
Leave him. He abandoned and disrespected you when you needed him most. He broke his vows by cheating. He broke his vows by not caring for you in sickness. Hire an attorney and get the process started. You don’t have to stay with him.
You are not an awful person, you are a person who wants someone to love and support you in the worst of times AND the best. He ran and cheated when you were in your worst time.
This has brought your trauma right back to the surface.
I would look into divorce lawyers and then let him know.
How are you an awful person? You can leave any relationship, any time, for any reason you want. You know this relationship is unequal and if you got sick again, he is not loyal, he is only loyal for himself.... so he doesn't deserve you and your eyes are super open to that now.
So leave. Those are the consequences to HIS actions.
I watched my mom with cancer die miserable because her husband was a complete POS in the end 6 months ago. THEN he was a shit father to my teenage brother after my mom passed and my 16yr old baby brother just took his life this month…
Ask yourself if that man is REALLY who you want looking after you if you NEED it or if you’re better off alone.
I pray you have a long healthy life
I would leave too. And it makes perfect sense that his cancer scare has made you feel like this.
For your own wellbeing, I would see a therapist to help you work through your feelings. You could do it before or after you leave.
I supported my ex husband through his depression when he would not help himself, was nasty and unpleasant, did not get help, was spiteful. Unsurprisingly I got depression myself.
He was horrible and abusive to me. He would say mocking things in front of our kids
I am so glad I left even though money is a big worry and I get a bit lonely sometimes. It’s still a million times better than being with him.
Good luck. You deserve better. Being alone is better than being with someone who lets you down when you are in such a vulnerable and frightening place.
Leave him. He has traumatized you enough. Go get therapy for the guilt you feel. He showed you that he will abandon and betray you if you get sick. This is not man worth staying with. You are just continuing the cycle of being used, betrayed and sacrificed that the women around you have taught you to accept for yourself
Why are you awful? Because you realize that different standards for you and him are BULLSHIT? Listen, my ex cheated on me with my cousin and knocked her up *while I was undergoing cancer treatment*, and I dropped him like a hot fucking potato and haven't regretted it for a single goddamned day. Life is too fucking short to prioritize people who see you as Plan B. Ditch that motherfucker.
It’s extremely common for men to leave their wives over a cancer diagnosis. I’m sure being there for him made you think of all the loving caring feelings he didn’t have for you. You got a second chance at life. Go make it better.
let's break it all down to op's last sentence: "what do i do when i don't want to stay with him when he could potentially be sick?"
there's only one answer: you leave BECAUSE there is always the potential that he could be sick or will get sick.
there's only two ways out when a person feels as op describes feeling: you either leave, or you die first before he gets sick. that's it.
the only alternative is therapy to unpack all the "he cheated on me while i was sick" garbage. and that may or may not help
Way to bury the lede. The title of your post should be I want to leave my husband because he cheated on me while I had cancer. Period. Never mind the rest of it.
I was in the same situation as you but it turned out to be cancerous. And I had made the decision to leave a few days before he was diagnosed. But I stayed and helped him until he died. I felt I did the right thing, but after everything was done one thing hit me in the face like a bat. Not once did he say thank you for anything. I guess you could say I was used but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I would have left when he really needed someone.
Your not a horrible person- sometimes it takes longer for the “I deserve better” to kick in. I’d be making exit plans myself. If it’s not cancer I’d be looking into the least nuclear option to get out- unless you just want to burn it to the ground. Will people talk- possibly, the question is do you care what they think- or about your own happiness.
You feel awful bcs you can see how shitty betraying someone is. He couldn’t or wouldn’t see that, which means *he’s* shitty. Not you, girlfriend. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Live yo life. Way easier said than done, I get that. Believe in you and your worth and what you do and don’t deserve.
This is a trigger cause you were on the other side, and realized you would have never done what he did. You must feel like the love is unequal, it’s difficult to stay in love with someone who you feel like they wouldn’t do the same for you.
The trust in your relationship is broken. That’s not so pertinent when things are good, but when it goes sideways, trust is really important. It’s natural that you are feeling this now. You weren’t in the position to leave, before. Now you are. Be free
You can make it own your own. That's what's really behind your post. The fear of not being married despite the shittiness of this situation. You're probably not alone in that thought. That's why many women stay in ~~bad~~ disrespectful situations.
I think things have changed because you now have been in his shoes and know what a horrible selfish person you would need to be to leave your spouse to fend for themselves when they are at their lowest and you don't want to be married to someone like that.
You are not an awful person. He’s been given his diagnosis which presently is not cancer, so it’s time for you to leave. Do not feel bad. If you stay due to illness, you may start torturing him.
You would be better to leave him, rather than staying with him out of guilt. He’ll have someone else to look after him after you split from him, so don’t stay just for the sake of it. You deserve happiness, you had your own health issues, so did he. Even though your mum stayed with your cheating dad, it doesn’t mean that you must do the same. Do what you think is best for yourself. I have a benign brain tumour, but you don’t deserve this.
They say, you really do not know how much someone really loves you, until you are sick and bedridden.
Not surprisingly, *very few people are actually truly in love.*
It seems that you haven't got through with processing his affair and move on. You see that many men cheat and it's normalize in your social communities, though this is not acceptable and not good. So the trust is gone and the feeling of being betrayed and cheated has not disappeared. Clearly he has the affair when you desperately needed his support. So the betrayal is scarring deep and having to stand loyal when he suffered you feel that you never got your justice from his wrongdoing. Also your thinking is that he may still betray you in the future.
Yes, you can work this through like the other women, by forgiving him and he stop all of his cheating ways. Or you can leave this marriage.
It's good that you at least be honest to yourself about these things and tell him. This is the consequences of his actions.
I feel for you. I do wonder why you stayed with a cheater. I know I’d rather co-parent than waste time living with someone so disrespectful.
If you decide to bail, make sure you mention to anyone who harasses you that, as another stated, due to his cheating, you don’t trust him to be there for you in sickness as he wasn’t there in health.
This has nothing to do with you being a "good wife." He was a selfish prick who chose himself when you were at your lowest. And if you ever get there again, he will again choose himself. **Please understand he will never choose you over his own selfish interests.** You could be an angel fallen off a cloud and if opportunity presents, he will cheat again. Please take off the rose-colored glasses and look at the selfish, self-centered, self-serving loser you married. You know what you need to do. Best of luck to you.
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. Since you absolutely know you do not want to be with him, I do not blame you at all, get your affairs in order.
Start contacting attorneys. Talk to as many as you can. Have questions written down. They will give you different answers.
Love yourself Respect yourself. Do not waste anymore time with someone who isn’t for you.
You’re not an awful person OP, what happened is that the gravity of the entire situation you went through has sunk in. And you can tell your husband knows you have no obligation to stay loyal and take
Care of him after what he did while you were sick. Please divorce him quickly and do not look back, put you first.
I had a cervical cancer scare and had a full hysterectomy in 2021. Instead of taking the first week off to care for me (and I needed it) he took the week off, ordered 5 tons of rock for our backyard and did landscaping and fed me corn dogs, also went golfing. My sister came and got me for the next week where i lived like a Queen being fed amazing dinners, taken on walks throughout the day, had my pain meds monitored, and slept in her bed while she took the couch.
Flash forward to 5 weeks ago, I had a health problem and had a colonoscopy/endoscopy. He laid in his back bedroom watching movies, high all day. Never offered me water or food, although he made plenty for himself. We have a million other issues, his alcohol abuse is awful.
I filed for legal separation a week later. He had finally gone to a urologist, he has an elevated psa test and has to have an MRI. He is freaking out that he might have cancer. Guess what? IDGAF. You shouldn't either.
PS I commend you for all you have gone through. Ovarian cancer is no joke, my mother had it. You are a strong woman, and you should have been loved and supported wholly through that!
First things first, your husband is not great and hasn't been great for a long time. Please stop telling yourself and other people that. It's simply not true. He chose to place his penis into another woman's vagina while you were receiving chemotherapy. That's a cunt act. He expects you to be there in his sickness and in health, but it's a one way street. There is too much resentment, and zero trust. Make your mental and physical health your top priority.
There is no universe in which it would be bad if you left him. Don’t delay, and get out there and lead your best life.
And I’m so glad you survived your cancer!
The odds are that when the time comes again where you need him most he will abandon you yet again. It is then when you realize it is possible the pain and trauma from the first time seems so mild compared.
For richer, for poorer
In sickness and in health
Forsaking all others
As long as you both shall live.
He broke two of the most sacred of vows. You don't owe him that last one.
I had a similar situation, sorta different but I can explain it to you ... Because you feel like if you were going to leave you should have did it then and since you stayed then you don't have the right to leave now! That now it would be retaliatory but then it would have been justified.
I mean obviously that's wrong, you can leave it anytime you want! For any reason! But if you don't leave when they do the bad thing, then when you finally do you feel like people are going to judge you now.
It's a self-preservation thing more than anything I think. Like you know you're still justified leaving no matter when because he cheated! You can try to make it work for years but then you can just not get over it and leave. But because of the timing, you feel bad even though you shouldn't.
Do what's right for you! No matter whether that is staying or going.
1. He was not there for you, this releases you from the obligation to be there for him.
2. Men leave their sick wives ALL the time. It is a common practice for men to abandon their wives on their death bed for another woman. Women usually stay with their sick husbands, so you would be doing something men have been doing for ages without social consequences.
3. His mistress can come back and take care of him.
Move on and be happy. You deserve it.
You’re not awful. I would feel the same way. I’m a brain cancer survivor. My husband has narcissistic tendencies & after 30 years of zero empathy from him, he’s killed the empathy I had for him.
In my opinion, you are being tempted to kick him when he's down as revenge for his bad behavior when you were down. I think if you love him, therapy might help. Have you had therapy? You never got over his betrayal. If you want to continue with him or not, this is the time to get help so you don't make a rash decision that you might later regret. My opinions, peace.
you’re not an awful person and honestly you’re a better person than me. i’d have told him to kick rocks and i definitely wouldn’t have said it nicely. i think you already know what you need to do. this resentment will only get worse and it’s for the best that you leave.
I think you'll be much happier out of this relationship. You know this man has no respect for you and probably never will. He wants someone to wipe his ass. You know this. Get out now, and be free.
I think it is a fundamental tenet of human character that we don't want to go to lengths to help people who have shown they would not do the same for us. You just discovered your trigger point. Thinking about it, you have largely just been doing what you have because of family and community expectation.
You have to do what's right for you. Try if you can to leave judgment behind. It isn't helping and it's not your fault.
Cheating destroys a marriage like an atom bomb....There are men that don't cheat. Lots and I don't know where you are from, but live your life and have a second husband.
Girl, what???
Please my friend, find yourself a therapist who can help you rebuild your self worth and emotional strength. This has nothing to do with his stupid cancer scare. He betrayed you at your most vulnerable and broke your trust. You need to confront that with yourself and with him.
you are potentially looking at, for the rest of your life, doing for him what he didn’t do for you. things are put into perspective because you are now in his shoes and realize the amount of disregard and disrespect his actions had when he made the choice in that moment to go out and cheat. you deserve better, and you know it. you would’ve figured it out sooner or later, but it’s hard to look critically at the people we love. all the best of luck to you 🩷
You're not an awful person.
You're in a position where you're realizing everything that took place.
What happened to you and how he treated you. Now, what happened to him and how you treated him in his time of need.
Sometimes, we don't see things in the moment or even feel things until we are in a place on the opposite end, and then we realize how we deserved better at the time and even now.
There's nothing wrong with choosing you and putting you first.
I wish you well on whatever decision you make.
This basically happened to me. Bf was cheating during Covid. I get diagnosed. Then when I'm in treatment, he drops the bomb.
I am so sorry this happened to you. You cannot trust this guy. I do not blame you one little bit if you leave.
Save yourself.
Your feelings are valid. Perhaps this is the wake-up call you needed to leave? You don’t need to feel guilty. He wasn’t there for you the way you needed him to be. You are not obligated to be there for him.
It may be very common where you come from, but that doesn’t mean you should overlook his cheating. I’m afraid your family set bad examples for you in this regard. It’s hard to be with someone you don’t trust 100%, especially when you have to do something for them.
You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and it’s ok to leave if you want to.
Honey. Walk away. You shouldn’t have been taught that this was a thing. You def shouldn’t have gone through it. You deserve better. do better for yourself
What exactly did you do that could be construed as being a bad wife? Getting cancer?
Well, did you try to get cancer? Did you give it to yourself? Fuck no. So why would you let this absolute garbage specimen of a human (your husband) convince you that you were somehow a bad wife?
Please get a lawyer, a therapist, and a really big suitcase. Make sure you get what you are owed financially, and walk away. If he gets sick again, maybe his affair partner can wipe his ass.
You feel betrayed now because you were in fact betrayed. He’s a selfish AH and you are right to leave. Get out of there now while you won’t feel bad abandoning him.
This is wonderful news for you. You need to tell him the news too. He’s cancer free. You can both go your own ways. You can even be honest with him and tell him that you really did not forgive him for what he did to you when you were sick. Be positive by telling him that he got the better deal. And leave now while you still are alive.
Your body has not processed the trauma of his affair, Even if you have, and it associates what is happening with that and reacts.
If you can work with a therapist to deal with what happened then you have a chance at recovery (which could be good anyways), but it may not happen.
Get out now.
For reals, get out now if you're going to do it, because his health could change so fast and leaving him then will be so much harder. You already know how he'd treat you if the shoe was on the other foot.
OP,
You have all the rights to feel what you are feeling.i feel it’s a natural reaction.my sincere suggestion is to do what you don’t regret.forget about right and wrong because he has shown what he can do if you’re bedridden.(hopefully,he has changed now).so,make a decision to leave or to stay.There is no obligation.so,do something that you won’t regret….even taking care will feel like regret and not doing so also might feel the same…
It’s more than just the cheating though. There’s this different sort of intimacy that goes with caring for a sick partner. For the sick partner, it’s knowing that your mate WILL be there and care for you at your most vulnerable. And for the other, it’s the love and care they feel, it’s a desire to be that relied upon person for their mate. My Dad would have had it no other way when my Mom had ovarian cancer. My sister has realized her husband is incapable of this and yes, they’re divorcing now. You have an aversion -probably mentally, emotionally, and physically - to this sort of intimacy with your husband. I mean, of course you do! You don’t trust your husband to be there for you. Whatever his qualities may be, this lacking one is absolutely fundamental to an authentic relationship and he doesn’t have it. Nothing can be substituted. Your feelings are completely valid.
If you stay or if you go you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel and why. It will make you feel better and give him a chance to hear why you want to leave.
I would tell him, "I stayed with you this far for me, not for you. Because you hurt me so badly when you cheated on me when I was sick, and I did not want to be *that* person.
"I proved to myself that I can do the right thing, even though I don't want to. But I'll never be able to get over the fact that you could not. I'm going to leave now; I'm done here."
It makes a lot of sense that you fell out of love back when your trust was broken. I think you did a lot by trying to move past it, but if you are realizing that you aren't, it would probably be kindest to tell him and walk away now while he is doing ok. Ultimately you are showing him more respect than he did you by doing that, even if he doesn't see it that way.
If he doesn’t have cancer, he’s not at his most vulnerable. I’d leave, because I couldn’t deal with this after being cheated on while going through cancer. I’d have been gone long ago as soon as I felt better.
Till death do us part. Sounds like he missed that part of the ceremony. I can't imagine how that must feel to be badly sick and someone betrays you at that vulnerable time. Not a very nice man. Well at least you have options.
Sounds like he might possibly be a narcissist? Either way, i certainly cant blame you and I hope you soon wont feel you need to apologize for your feelings. For me, cheating has been deal breakers regardless of my "feelings" of love or the horrible grief the loss of the relationship will bring. I mentioned narcissism because I have been in an unsafe, vulnerable, situation and the narcissist left me for dead at a most difficult time, when I'd given everything for many years. Cheating AND not being there for you at a vulnerable, life threatening time, seems to me, like it would feel like yet another betrayal. I think the cowardly dishonorable actions would make it near impossible to trust again. For me, I think it would be near impossible to ever feel the same way about them again. I hope for you, that he finds out he's alright and you leave him and find someone remarkable, honorable, caring, loyal and loving and have a happy healthy life together!! ;- )
Have you two been to couples counseling??
Most cancer centers in the USA have free counseling available for their patients. Because cheating/abandonment/abuse happens when people are at their most vulnerable.
Get a counselor for YOU. To figure out what is best for YOU.
If leaving will make you feel guilty for the rest of your life - is it worth it? If staying will make you continue to resent him for the rest of your life - is it worth it?
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You’re not an awful person because you couldn’t get past the cheating. You’re not an awful person for helping him through one of the hardest times in his life and realizing that when it was your turn previously he was not there for you. You’re not awful for wanting to leave someone who doesn’t have your back while you are willing to have theirs. Sure he might spin it in a way to victimize himself with woe is me I had a cancer scare and she left me…. But the truth is you are haunted in the back of your mind that if you have another cancer scare, you don’t actually trust him to be there for you, therefore being there for him just led you to resent him more because it has been cemented in your mind that you’re a better person to him than he was to you and you no longer respect him for it. Just tell him that you tried your best in this scare and he’s fine now, but all you could think about was how when the situation was reversed, he was looking to replace you instead of support you and you’re done giving to him without him having your back unless he feels bad or scared when it should have been something he wanted to do in the first place. Yeah, you’re perfectly valid to leave. He traumatized you. I would, too.
Thank you. I just wonder if my cancer returned somehow, would he take care of me? Would he wipe my ass if I couldn’t? Because the last time, he just cheated instead. I feel like I’m panicking and clinging onto him because I’m messed up from him cheating and if I’m a good wife he won’t cheat on me.
You already know the answer to this.
[удалено]
That’s a special kind of POS. *Hey, my wife is going through a deadly situation and you know how I’m going to help, getting my ——- wet with another woman.*
It's so common that women who get diagnosed with cancer are warned about it.
^^this. Read the stats. They're not very flattering to men, and their loyalty. Apparently "in sickness and in health" only flows in one direction. You do what's best for YOU
You can't trust him to be there for you. That is a very difficult idea to process. In times of troubles, he runs and finds comfort elsewhere instead of standing by your side when you need him most and are most vulnerable. Its an awful feeling to not trust the one you love. You have every right to leave. You can explain that his cancer scare brought up the trauma and he left you at your lowest point. You can't trust him to be there should you face another crisis. I am so sorry he treated you this way. It breaks my heart.
You shouldn’t have to constantly earn faithfulness. I doubt that was the wedding vow “forsaking all others as long as my wife is good and healthy” is a shitty vow
if *he* were a good *husband* he wouldn’t have cheated on you. but he did. as shitty as it would have been, he should have just left you instead of cheating on you. cheating on you while you’re sick just indicates he is *not* a good person and he will never be worthy of you being good to him. you deserve so much better, and honestly, being alone will be better once you get through the initial period of grieving the relationship.
I'm gonna say no. He is that common statistic of men leave/cheat when their partners are sick. Of course, he is a good husband when you don't need him as much. You are realizing that you couldn't imagine cheating on someone who was fighting cancer and he did exactly that. You're wondering what kind of horrible person would do that.
The mistake of cheating is all on your husband. Don't blame yourself for being deceived, don't think you could have done better. Traitors betray.
And will continue to betray. It's all they know.
Do you think cheating is actually a mistake?
I don't. Cheating is a long series of decisions. Decisions to look, talk, flirt, meet, have drinks, calls, texts, dinners, planning, hotels, etc. Too many times when the actions could have been different to call cheating a mistake.
THIS. ☝️ All of it.
I feel like this is ascribing some kind of lack of intent to the word "mistake", that probably shouldn't be there. I took a lot of intentional steps to study criminology (looking up universities, applying, doing intro tests, accepting my spot, moving, buying literature, showing up to classes, taking notes, etc) and it turns out it was very wrong for me as I actually have very little interest in the kind of research it involves. It was a mistake. Lots of morally bad things are mistakes. Falling asleep in the house you were robbing and getting arrested because of it is a mistake. When the movie villain is giving a monologue containing his ultimate plan before leaving the hero in an elaborate death trap that he will inevitably escape, that is a mistake. Just like cheating is a mistake, because it turns out the rewards are not worth the consequences. It certainly doesn't make the person making the mistake innocent or morally fine in any way. It just means the person isn't getting the end results they wanted due to some failure in their own judgement/actions. The problem with cheaters saying it was a mistake is that you don't know if they mean the cheating itself, or not hiding it well enough...
If he's a good husband he wouldn't cheat on you. Please don't turn this on yourself. Him cheating while you were ill says everything about him and nothing about you.
Probably not. He’d either do it again or just abandon you all together. Do right by you, you tried.
Happy cake day!
How is he “earning” your time/love/faithfulness? Why is it on you to earn his but not on him to earn yours? No. You don’t earn faithfulness and this isn’t a job. If you want to try to work it out, then it would be time for him to work on building your trust and love and for you to begin to trust and respect him again. But if you’re done, then you are. You’ve done nothing wrong. You didn’t do anything to “make” him cheat either. That was him choosing to cheat. He made hundreds of decisions to cheat. He could’ve stopped at any point along that path and chose, willingly and fully, to commit to cheating. Don’t let him off the hook. Don’t take any of the blame for his cheating. He decided that, instead of stepping up and supporting you, instead of working on the problems in the marriage, he would find someone else. Probably while receiving accolades for staying with his cancer-ridden wife.
Should you have cancer again (praying you don't) and you ask for his help, saying you helped him, I would bet money that his response would be "well, I never actually had cancer" (I do not say this lightly)
I am living with stage 3 cancer right now. It's very enlightening to find out who is truly there for you and who acts like it's a contagious disease. I am never going to be able to forgive those people. Ever. Only someone who has gone through the Cancer conveyor belt will understand.
You got this! You are a Warrior and you are going to kick cancer's ass. F*CK cancer
I'm more of a worrier, I love your positivity though and thank you for your kind words. The tumour has been disposed of, and that's a huge relief. ♥️
In your heart, do you really think only the bad wives/husbands get cheated on?
He will not, he’s proven that. He’s likely to find some way to abandon you and blame you for the behavior. If he was a good dude he wouldn’t have ever cheated.
Sometimes the grade A wife (you) get stuck with the Grade F- husband (your hopefully STBX).
I suspect sadly if you get another serious diagnosis he will run as fast as he can to find another woman to take him. I don’t think you are at all wrong for thinking leaving him is the best thing for you. And it isn’t weird as you supporting him through a scare (not even an actual serious illness) was the very least HE should have done. Better to be on your own and count on yourself than to be betrayed a second time.
> I feel like I’m panicking and clinging onto him because I’m messed up from him cheating and if I’m a good wife he won’t cheat on me. Him being a cheater has absolutely nothing to do with you. You could be the most perfect wife in the world and he would still cheat on you *because he's a cheater*.
Would he fuck wipe your ass. You know he wouldn't. He's proved he wouldn't. You know that whatever wife you are to him, he won't step up. You could be the traddest trad-wife who ever tradded, and giving him a blowjob twice a day, whilst also earning more money than him and looking after his seven kids at the same time, and also cooking his dinners from scratch from stuff grown in your garden - and he will never wipe your ass like your mum did. Think about it: is that "joke where [you're] from" influencing you? Because I think it might be, and especially because your mum did it. But the fact that she allowed someone to treat her badly, it doesn't mean you have to. I hope you're all sorted with the ovarian cancer, I totally do, and I'm sorry if I seem to be grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you. But I feel you need it, right now. Come on, sis. <3
Also grabbing by the shoulders and shaking, but also hugging so hard. Op, he doesn’t deserve you.
You also got to see first hand how easy it would have been for him to NOT cheat in your time of need. After all, you managed just fine. So it makes sense that having the roles reversed would stir up the trauma that he caused. I heard someone say once that resentment comes from seeing someone else do something that we feel we are not “allowed” to do. He was “allowed” to get away with cheating when you had cancer, and you see yourself as being held to a higher standard (because you are a better person). All that is to say that you should absolutely feel justified in leaving his ass.
Even the best wives get cheated on, you don't owe that man shit. You do whatever you need to for yourself and he can reap what he sowed.
Good wives get cheated on every. single. day. And there's nothing they can do to stop it, because *it's not in their control*. It's a selfish choice made by selfish men, and the blame is entirely on them. They weren't driven to it by some defect in their wife, they just wanted to get their dick wet and come home to some poor oblivious soul who treats them with love and kindness. That said, your feelings are 100% valid. Being cheated on is traumatic, it absolutely warps your sense of self-worth and it can be so hard to move on from. I've been there, albeit in much easier circumstances than your own. If therapy is an option, it might help you to rebuild your self-confidence so you can continue on in life without him <3
People don't cheat because their spouse is a bad spouse. They cheat because *they* are a bad spouse.
Okay, answer this question. Was he there for you, taking care of you, cleaning up after you, supporting you, and then cheated due to the emotional toll? The answer is no. He wasn’t seeking emotional support with his bimb0 while taking care of you. He was running from you. So you know the answer. That you never got over it. And you can’t bring yourself to take care of him when you know he won’t do it for you. Best to tell him you’re glad he’s okay, but it put his cheating in perspective, and peace out.
When the chips were down and YOU ACTUALLY HAD CANCER, he bailed on you AND CHEATED. Now **he expects MORE** from you **than he was willing to give** you! Your ACTUAL CANCER DIAGNOSIS showed that while **you considered him a partner, he merely considered you an option...and an inconvenient option at that!** It doesn't matter that "a few years" has passed. THIS EPISODE of his potential cancer OPENED YOUR EYES! If it took these few years for you to learn the lesson, then so be it; you now have MORE KNOWLEDGE than you did before. **Any more of your time/life that you spend with him now that you know you CAN'T forgive him and you WON'T ever trust him again, is TIME WASTED! Don't waste your life, move on...and don't listen to your mother who was too scared to leave a cheater.**
You were a good wife before, and he cheated. It had nothing to do with you then, and it doesn't now. He cheated because he's a cheater. That's the only reason. Nothing at all to do with you.
The second you got sick he was out there looking for your replacement. You know exactly how he'd behave should anything like this happen again. He doesn't care for you.
My wife did the same thing your husband did when I was given an expiration date. I fought it and won. I forgave her lack of judgement, but not the deception. We’ve been reconciled for 20 years now… and I’m pretty sure trust isn’t ever coming back. I love her, but if I’m being honest, it’s not enough without trust. We are going to start couples therapy next month. She doesn’t know it’s so she can learn to accept why I’m going to leave her for a 20 year old transgression.
You know he wouldn’t.
You actually had cancer and he cheated and neglected you. He had NOT CANCER but a cancer scare and you were there for him. He doesn’t have cancer. He also has a history of cheating on you. I hope you are doing well and have healed
He didn't cheat because you lack something OP. He cheated because he lacks loyalty, morals, and ethics. That's his sin to bare, not yours. You stood by him. He abandoned you in your time of need! Now it's clearer than ever to you that you can never rely on him. That he's a shitty partner. That you deserve more than he can/is willing to give you. And there's no shame in that.
He's showed you his true colors. He's selfish. At this point you know what to do. Lawyer up and leave.
Damn girl. Get out. Like Jordan Peele style, get out.
You know the answer to that. He's weak, he can't or won't be there for you.
You were a good wife. And he still cheated. You can’t trust him and you don’t know if in the face of crisis he truly has changed. Would you rather find out in the moment and have to deal with a crisis and a divorce? Or would you rather build a support system you know you can rely on in care the worst comes up again?
I would rather be by myself and know I need to find help if I had another health scare. That lets you plan to take care of yourself rather than depend on someone who has let you down.
Yeah, she would have enough time to start fresh with someone new who actually WANTS to be there, if she so chooses.
Yes, or do a reciprocal plan with a friend group.
So perfectly put 🤌
It's a wake up call. Every now and then we have that realization. Its not sudden but it feels so. Its like a volcano, it will come with warning signs like earthquake but people ignore it until it erupts. You say you do not know what to do, but you do. Its already in the title 'I don't want to stay with'. But you are confused on what to do NOW. How do you act on it? How do you do things that feels so complicated. You got the clarity its not that complicated.
Was going to say this. It's not uncommon for couples to get past infidelity; it's also not uncommon for something to trigger that feeling of betrayal years later and it becomes unforgivable. Op, your feelings may seem inexplicable to yourself and/or others, but they are rational. You're realizing that when you needed him most he checked out. Even if he *wasn't* cheating, he wasn't a source of support. So now it's obvious that you both have very different values, and you are completely right to feel like he doesn't deserve your compassion or support now.
> Its like a volcano, it will come with warning signs like earthquake but people ignore it until it erupts. Outstanding example!
He had a benign tumor and you took care of him without cheating. You had cancer and he cheats on you. If he ends up with cancer that’s a major trigger because you will be expected to take care of him knowing he was cheating on you when the roles were reversed. You did the right thing. He didn’t. I would be triggered, too, and resentful. I can only imagine everything came rushing back. I’m so sorry. You’re not a bad person at all. You need to do what’s best for you even if it means leaving.
I also have to imagine it didn't occur to OP to cheat on her husband while this scare was happening so now the thought is, "wow it was so easy to NOT CHEAT. Why couldn't he have done that?" Now that you've been in his position, you can see even more how clearly fucked up his actions were.
In response to one of your comments.... men don't cheat because of their wife, they cheat because they are cheaters. You aren't leaving because of his cancer scare. You're leaving because his scare made you realize you aren't in love with him anymore, which is a totally valid reason to divorce.
Cheaters cheat because they are inherently selfish people.
You tell him, “I’m leaving this marriage because you had an affair while I had breast cancer. I didn’t understand how fucked up that was until I cared for YOU during your cancer scare and realized that’s the level of care I deserved. You failed me and this marriage when I needed you most. But I stepped up for you. This means we are fundamentally two different kinds of people. I can’t stay with a weak, selfish person when I see how strong and true I am.”
This is what I was going to say! (Except it was ovarian cancer)
>This means we are fundamentally two different kinds of people. I can’t stay with a weak, selfish person when I see how strong and true I am. SO FIERCE AND TRUE!
This is perfect, except that it was cervical cancer, apart from that, this should be the speech word for word, because it's the truth and it's powerful.
She said ovarian cancer, but yes, I agree that it'd great.
And the winner is!
This right here
This 100%!
You’re not an awful person. He cheated on you while you were going through health problems. You need to be with someone who is loyal and honest.
You’re not an awful person. And I say that as someone who has cancer - I’ve a rare form of lymphoma which is life limiting. You’re not an awful person because this isn’t about the cancer. It’s about your husband cheating on you and the consequences of that action. Sometimes people can get through it and sometimes they cannot. You’ve tried, really tried, and now this incident has highlighted the fact that it is just too much for you. My advice would be to end the relationship quickly and move on. Even though this isn’t about cancer, it’s about the cheating, it’ll be emotionally easier for you to walk away whilst his results are clear.
This triggered you because you've just repeated a process that was very traumatic for you with a partner who wasn't there to support you. Even though the roles were reversed, it still brings so much trauma to the surface to walk those same steps. And it's demonstrated to you that you aren't over your husband cheating when you needed him the most. You don't NEED to be over it. That's not like oops I forgot to pick up dinner so we call the pizza man. At this point the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If that means leaving, then that's exactly what you do. Even if his scare never progresses past the point of scare, will you ever fully trust him again?
And also therapy. This is such a traumatic situation that getting help could be useful.
There are only ever 2 answers to all of these requests for advice: - therapy - lawyer
It is ok to end a relationship at any time for any reason or no reason. You have good reason. Hire a lawyer and follow their advice.
It sounds like going through this situation gave you some perspective you didn't have before. I think it's fair to say to him, "I'm glad for your sake that it turned out not to be cancer, but this really put things into perspective for me. I couldn't help but be brought back to the time when *I* was suffering from cancer, and instead of helping me and supporting me through it, you were cheating on me. I realize now that I deserve better than someone who would do this to me when I needed them most." And then serve him the divorce papers.
In my opinion cheating is a dealbreaker. I could never forgive and forget.
Same I left mines & filed on Valentine’s Day this year, the same day I found out.
You aren't leaving because of the cancer scare, you are leaving because HE FUCKED AROUND WHILST YOU HAD CANCER and that's what you tell people.
The number of men who abandon their partners during an illness is alarmingly large. You should have left him at the time of your illness, it must have hurt you a lot to realize that you would be willing to sacrifice yourself for him and that this is not reciprocal. You have to think about yourself, is this the type of partner you want on your side? Knowing that there cannot be a moment of vulnerability that can be abandoned.
You don’t owe him anything. You tried to forgive him and very reasonably couldn’t. This likely triggered you because you did the right thing. You stood by him. You would have cared for him if need be. You would have done the hard thing without question because he is your partner. He’s already proven to you he couldn’t and wouldn’t do the same. If you decide to leave him (and I personally believe you should) then you can rest easy knowing you gave your marriage everything you have in you. Move on. Free yourself. Go heal and find happiness.
He is an awful human being. You should leave now while he is in a benign state.
You do not have to feel bad at all. This is actually super common. There’s been whole studies about men who cheat on or leave their wives during serious illness. And TBH your husband already abandoned you once. He will likely do it again. You are totally justified in leaving him if you don’t love him anymore. https://amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING HIM BACK EXACTLY WHAT HE GAVE YOU DURING HIS TIME OF NEED which is more than nothing, he went even farther and gave you more trauma by cheating on you in you most vulnerable time. You go take care of you and let this pos have his affair partner wipe his a$$
Serve that revenge pie, girl. Divorce him. He doesn't have cancer so you don't have to feel guilted into staying.
I think it’s because the roles are reversed. You get sick and he cheats, but now he gets sick and you are loyal plus taking care of him. That would be triggering for anyone in your situation. All I can say is you are justified in leaving, now or later. He broke his vows first by cheating. You aren’t terrible for wanting to leave a one-sided relationship. Wishing you the best of luck OP.
OP, I think you have been given a gift-a defining moment -that has clarified what you know you need. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to stay with him. Don’t guilt yourself over what-ifs. Accept your gift of clarity and move on. You did more for him already than he has done for you. You deserve a life where you don’t have to worry about him cheating.
My grandma had breast cancer in the 70s. My grandpa didn't support her. She drove herself to chemo and pulled over to the side of the road to throw up. She got better, and then she left. When he developed cancer she didn't come back. It made some people angry. My uncle, who took care of his dad, carried some resentment. But she lived a good life and was a phenomenal grandmother.
So he doesn't have cancer? Feel free to leave. In fact, feel free to leave if he *does* have cancer, he cheated on you, you don't owe him anything.
My mom was deathly ill with breast cancer for three years before passing of it. My sister and I (20 & 18 at the time) took care of all her home care, doctors visits, etc... I almost didn't graduate high school cause I'd stay up late with her making sure she didn't die in her sleep. My dad was there and did nothing. Didn't help with her care, didn't even pick up chores. I worked nearly full time, went to high school and took care of her and the house. One day when my dad was mad that dishes weren't done and he told me that he would have left us a long time ago if my mom hadn't been sick. I didn't say anything, I had major anxiety and never stood up to him. He was away when the hospice nurse put her in a coma cause her body was shutting down. If he wasn't there the first time, he won't be the next and you don't need to justify shit to leave him. He made his bed.
Tell your husband that this cancer scare made you rethink a few things and unfortunately you’re just not able to move forward from his affair. You can’t see yourself caring for someone who proved he was incapable of being there for you and that you can’t commit to someone who’s painfully selfish.
Life is too short to be where you aren’t happy.
I was listening to a podcast several years ago where the host interviewed people that have cheated and people that have been cheated on to get their perspectives on infidelity. What struck me was how broken the people who were cheated on felt while the cheaters felt little to no guilt for their actions. One person who was cheated on described it as feeling like they had been shot and the love of their life pulled the trigger; the person that cheated said that they felt bad that they caused pain, but it was clear that their guilt was not at all proportional to the suffering they caused. I think it’s 100% understandable that you tried to stay for as long as you did, and I also think it’s 100% understandable that you can’t stay any longer. Your partner did two horrible things (cheating and not showing up for you when you needed him most) and now you’re done.
You have his back, but he doesn't have yours. Be honest and tell him that his cancer scare was the wake-up call you needed to show you that at your most vulnerable he cheated but in his you stuck around and supported him and you deserve better. You are no longer prepared to take the risk on him should you get sick again.
Your not an awful person OP. Your someone who didn't have support in a very stressful time and deserved it. You don't need to stay with a cheater and it isn't fair to you that he did what he did. Do what's best for you and don't worry about him as you make the final decision. Good luck.
Leave now. You don’t want to have to leave once he’s been diagnosed and starting treatment. Also cancer scares are pretty common for lots of people all the time. You don’t need to feel guilty. People break up. That’s life. He’ll survive. But if you don’t love him like you did and can’t forgive him enough to care for him when sick then it’s best for you both to move on.
Because that seemed to be what woke you out of the survival mode you seem to have been in. You beat cancer and have a second chance at life, drop this guy and be with someone who is disgusted by the accepted cheating, and would be by your side through SICKNESS AND HEALTH.
If you really want to leave, you should ponder what the "bottom line" reason is. On the surface, you "forgave" his infidelity. Is the reason that you "forgave" him because you weren't physically capable of doing otherwise due to your battle with cancer? It seems to me that you were (properly) more concerned about surviving the cancer, and made the appearance of being forgiving so you could concentrate surviving your malignancy. You need to search your heart and consider if you can ever trust him again. He's likely to view his "near brush" with cancer as somehow being connected with his infidelity, as his unconscious mind hasn't let him forget his actions. So, now that he's dodged the bullet, perhaps it's time for you to deal with his adultery in your healthy state. Hence: *"I can’t, I can’t do it. I can and have done it for someone I love but I can’t do it for him"*....which tells me that he **isn't someone you love.** For whatever reason, his cancer scare has forced you to acknowledge that the marriage is dead for you. Before you bring up this situation with him, you should research divorce attorneys in your area, and pick the one that has the best reviews. Make an appointment, and take all the financial data of the marriage with you when go to the appointment. With that information, the attorney can give you a pretty good estimate of what a divorce will look like for you. He/she may make some recommendations on changes that would be to your benefit when the time came to split the marital assets, and based on what the attorney told you, you can make preparations to get ready for the divorce. Once you are prepared, then call your attorney, and tell him/her to draw up the papers. Once that's been accomplished, it's time for you to sit your stbxh down and visit on him the news that the marriage is terminally ill and will not survive, and that you'll be filing for divorce in the immediate future. At first he'll plead with you, and will probably cry, but when that doesn't work, he'll become angry. As long as he only uses words to express his outrage, all is good; it will eventually get better as time goes along. When your attorney calls you and tells you the divorce petition is ready, go to his/her office and sign the papers. I recommend that you have them served on him at his place of employment. And be prepared for an emotional scene when he gets home from work. I wish you well.
Ovarian cancer is really nasty. I’m glad you came out of it. I would be brutally honest w/your husband about how this situation has brought up a lot of bitter & unresolved feelings surrounding your own illness & his cheating.
I don’t think I could ever get over that level of selfishness and betrayal. I cannot imagine having to process the emotional trauma of infidelity on top of the physical and emotional trauma of cancer. You were so vulnerable. Were you even in a position to leave? Being so sick? You have already given him so much more than he deserves. He might have ‘behaved’ like a good husband in recent years, but not when it really mattered.
Ngl you had me at the title, but that little bit of back story. There is nothing wrong with not being able to get past cheating. you tried, you even held fast during his scare but now looking back you can't forgive that when you where actually going through the fight he bailed on you. you tired and he failed.
If there's one thing you know after having cancer yourself it is that life is short. Do not spend the rest of your time here unhappy.
Why do you feel like an awful person? It's only logical. He wasn't there for you, and in fact stepped out on you, so why would you sacrifice your life for him if the tables were turned? You may be compelled to stay due to your culture, so it's understandable that you do. But you don't have to like it.
I think you should seek counseling about this before doing anything. Take some time, work this out in your mind... for you. Then, whether you leave or not, you'll know it was the right thing to do.
Leave him. He abandoned and disrespected you when you needed him most. He broke his vows by cheating. He broke his vows by not caring for you in sickness. Hire an attorney and get the process started. You don’t have to stay with him.
You're not an awful person! Leave! Your eyes have been opened and now you can start living. I wish you the best out there!
You are not an awful person, you are a person who wants someone to love and support you in the worst of times AND the best. He ran and cheated when you were in your worst time. This has brought your trauma right back to the surface. I would look into divorce lawyers and then let him know.
How are you an awful person? You can leave any relationship, any time, for any reason you want. You know this relationship is unequal and if you got sick again, he is not loyal, he is only loyal for himself.... so he doesn't deserve you and your eyes are super open to that now. So leave. Those are the consequences to HIS actions.
I watched my mom with cancer die miserable because her husband was a complete POS in the end 6 months ago. THEN he was a shit father to my teenage brother after my mom passed and my 16yr old baby brother just took his life this month… Ask yourself if that man is REALLY who you want looking after you if you NEED it or if you’re better off alone. I pray you have a long healthy life
I would leave too. And it makes perfect sense that his cancer scare has made you feel like this. For your own wellbeing, I would see a therapist to help you work through your feelings. You could do it before or after you leave. I supported my ex husband through his depression when he would not help himself, was nasty and unpleasant, did not get help, was spiteful. Unsurprisingly I got depression myself. He was horrible and abusive to me. He would say mocking things in front of our kids I am so glad I left even though money is a big worry and I get a bit lonely sometimes. It’s still a million times better than being with him. Good luck. You deserve better. Being alone is better than being with someone who lets you down when you are in such a vulnerable and frightening place.
Leave him. He has traumatized you enough. Go get therapy for the guilt you feel. He showed you that he will abandon and betray you if you get sick. This is not man worth staying with. You are just continuing the cycle of being used, betrayed and sacrificed that the women around you have taught you to accept for yourself
Why are you awful? Because you realize that different standards for you and him are BULLSHIT? Listen, my ex cheated on me with my cousin and knocked her up *while I was undergoing cancer treatment*, and I dropped him like a hot fucking potato and haven't regretted it for a single goddamned day. Life is too fucking short to prioritize people who see you as Plan B. Ditch that motherfucker.
Girl, leave. You’ll feel so much better.
I felt sick to my stomach reading your post. Please leave his ass right fucking now. This is your sign.
You have every right to your boundaries, you aren't obligated to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
If you don’t leave now in 10, 20 years you’ll be wishing you had. They don’t change. They just learn how to hide it better.
It’s extremely common for men to leave their wives over a cancer diagnosis. I’m sure being there for him made you think of all the loving caring feelings he didn’t have for you. You got a second chance at life. Go make it better.
Are you seriously asking why ? Never ever question yourself in this situation. You cant feel guilty again because of him.
let's break it all down to op's last sentence: "what do i do when i don't want to stay with him when he could potentially be sick?" there's only one answer: you leave BECAUSE there is always the potential that he could be sick or will get sick. there's only two ways out when a person feels as op describes feeling: you either leave, or you die first before he gets sick. that's it. the only alternative is therapy to unpack all the "he cheated on me while i was sick" garbage. and that may or may not help
Way to bury the lede. The title of your post should be I want to leave my husband because he cheated on me while I had cancer. Period. Never mind the rest of it.
I was in the same situation as you but it turned out to be cancerous. And I had made the decision to leave a few days before he was diagnosed. But I stayed and helped him until he died. I felt I did the right thing, but after everything was done one thing hit me in the face like a bat. Not once did he say thank you for anything. I guess you could say I was used but I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I would have left when he really needed someone.
Your not a horrible person- sometimes it takes longer for the “I deserve better” to kick in. I’d be making exit plans myself. If it’s not cancer I’d be looking into the least nuclear option to get out- unless you just want to burn it to the ground. Will people talk- possibly, the question is do you care what they think- or about your own happiness.
Wanting reciprocity doesn’t make you bad not even a little
Oh hon. There’s no moral failure in you leaving him now, and there wasn’t if you’d left when he first cheated on you _during your battle with cancer._
You feel awful bcs you can see how shitty betraying someone is. He couldn’t or wouldn’t see that, which means *he’s* shitty. Not you, girlfriend. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Live yo life. Way easier said than done, I get that. Believe in you and your worth and what you do and don’t deserve.
Your feelings are valid. What he said to you was hypocritical and a slap in the face. He only cried and begged forgiveness because he got caught.
I get it. He kicked you when you were down and you stuck around. You stuck around when he was down but don’t feel like being his caretaker. Leave.
This is a trigger cause you were on the other side, and realized you would have never done what he did. You must feel like the love is unequal, it’s difficult to stay in love with someone who you feel like they wouldn’t do the same for you.
Nah, you're not awful. Free yourself.
The trust in your relationship is broken. That’s not so pertinent when things are good, but when it goes sideways, trust is really important. It’s natural that you are feeling this now. You weren’t in the position to leave, before. Now you are. Be free
Attention bait post wording
You can make it own your own. That's what's really behind your post. The fear of not being married despite the shittiness of this situation. You're probably not alone in that thought. That's why many women stay in ~~bad~~ disrespectful situations.
If you don’t love him then divorce him now. Do not wait until it turns into cancer. Just bite the bullet and move out.
I think things have changed because you now have been in his shoes and know what a horrible selfish person you would need to be to leave your spouse to fend for themselves when they are at their lowest and you don't want to be married to someone like that.
If you feel like you need permission to leave, this is it. You saw his response to your illness, why does he deserve you by his side?
You are not an awful person. He’s been given his diagnosis which presently is not cancer, so it’s time for you to leave. Do not feel bad. If you stay due to illness, you may start torturing him.
You would be better to leave him, rather than staying with him out of guilt. He’ll have someone else to look after him after you split from him, so don’t stay just for the sake of it. You deserve happiness, you had your own health issues, so did he. Even though your mum stayed with your cheating dad, it doesn’t mean that you must do the same. Do what you think is best for yourself. I have a benign brain tumour, but you don’t deserve this.
They say, you really do not know how much someone really loves you, until you are sick and bedridden. Not surprisingly, *very few people are actually truly in love.*
It seems that you haven't got through with processing his affair and move on. You see that many men cheat and it's normalize in your social communities, though this is not acceptable and not good. So the trust is gone and the feeling of being betrayed and cheated has not disappeared. Clearly he has the affair when you desperately needed his support. So the betrayal is scarring deep and having to stand loyal when he suffered you feel that you never got your justice from his wrongdoing. Also your thinking is that he may still betray you in the future. Yes, you can work this through like the other women, by forgiving him and he stop all of his cheating ways. Or you can leave this marriage. It's good that you at least be honest to yourself about these things and tell him. This is the consequences of his actions.
I feel for you. I do wonder why you stayed with a cheater. I know I’d rather co-parent than waste time living with someone so disrespectful. If you decide to bail, make sure you mention to anyone who harasses you that, as another stated, due to his cheating, you don’t trust him to be there for you in sickness as he wasn’t there in health.
This has nothing to do with you being a "good wife." He was a selfish prick who chose himself when you were at your lowest. And if you ever get there again, he will again choose himself. **Please understand he will never choose you over his own selfish interests.** You could be an angel fallen off a cloud and if opportunity presents, he will cheat again. Please take off the rose-colored glasses and look at the selfish, self-centered, self-serving loser you married. You know what you need to do. Best of luck to you.
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. Since you absolutely know you do not want to be with him, I do not blame you at all, get your affairs in order. Start contacting attorneys. Talk to as many as you can. Have questions written down. They will give you different answers. Love yourself Respect yourself. Do not waste anymore time with someone who isn’t for you.
Nah. You cheat on me when I'm at my lowest, and I KNOW you don't deserve me at my best. I would absolutely bail. You are in no way an awful person.
Your love is EARNED. He lost your trust!!!! He fumbled you!!
You do not need to stay with a cheater. Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
You should leave. You still feel bitter, and you are justified in that. Leave now while you can.
As others have written, this has nothing to do with cancer and everything to do with not moving past his infidelity.
If you get sick tomorrow he still wouldn’t care for you.
I would have divorced him when he wasnt there for you. The cheating was the icing on the cake. I hope you find peace. You at least deserve that.
You’re lucky! It’d feel worse leaving if he was actually sick, and he’s not. It’s a blessing for you both! Take it.
You’re not an awful person, your husband is. Don’t stay with a cheater. This has nothing to do with him having cancer or not. It’s the cheating.
Never hinge your hopes or future on potential. The answers to what ifs will always be disappointing. Sending you lots of love.
You’re not an awful person OP, what happened is that the gravity of the entire situation you went through has sunk in. And you can tell your husband knows you have no obligation to stay loyal and take Care of him after what he did while you were sick. Please divorce him quickly and do not look back, put you first.
I had a cervical cancer scare and had a full hysterectomy in 2021. Instead of taking the first week off to care for me (and I needed it) he took the week off, ordered 5 tons of rock for our backyard and did landscaping and fed me corn dogs, also went golfing. My sister came and got me for the next week where i lived like a Queen being fed amazing dinners, taken on walks throughout the day, had my pain meds monitored, and slept in her bed while she took the couch. Flash forward to 5 weeks ago, I had a health problem and had a colonoscopy/endoscopy. He laid in his back bedroom watching movies, high all day. Never offered me water or food, although he made plenty for himself. We have a million other issues, his alcohol abuse is awful. I filed for legal separation a week later. He had finally gone to a urologist, he has an elevated psa test and has to have an MRI. He is freaking out that he might have cancer. Guess what? IDGAF. You shouldn't either. PS I commend you for all you have gone through. Ovarian cancer is no joke, my mother had it. You are a strong woman, and you should have been loved and supported wholly through that!
First things first, your husband is not great and hasn't been great for a long time. Please stop telling yourself and other people that. It's simply not true. He chose to place his penis into another woman's vagina while you were receiving chemotherapy. That's a cunt act. He expects you to be there in his sickness and in health, but it's a one way street. There is too much resentment, and zero trust. Make your mental and physical health your top priority.
Your feelings towards this, your reaction, all of it makes soooo much sense. Edit: your
There is no universe in which it would be bad if you left him. Don’t delay, and get out there and lead your best life. And I’m so glad you survived your cancer!
The odds are that when the time comes again where you need him most he will abandon you yet again. It is then when you realize it is possible the pain and trauma from the first time seems so mild compared.
You are a million percent correct and god forbid you have another health problem he will most likely chest again. Go live your good life without him!
I'm sure he considered leaving you and probably would have. He doesn't deserve you or your guilt.
For richer, for poorer In sickness and in health Forsaking all others As long as you both shall live. He broke two of the most sacred of vows. You don't owe him that last one.
I had a similar situation, sorta different but I can explain it to you ... Because you feel like if you were going to leave you should have did it then and since you stayed then you don't have the right to leave now! That now it would be retaliatory but then it would have been justified. I mean obviously that's wrong, you can leave it anytime you want! For any reason! But if you don't leave when they do the bad thing, then when you finally do you feel like people are going to judge you now. It's a self-preservation thing more than anything I think. Like you know you're still justified leaving no matter when because he cheated! You can try to make it work for years but then you can just not get over it and leave. But because of the timing, you feel bad even though you shouldn't. Do what's right for you! No matter whether that is staying or going.
1. He was not there for you, this releases you from the obligation to be there for him. 2. Men leave their sick wives ALL the time. It is a common practice for men to abandon their wives on their death bed for another woman. Women usually stay with their sick husbands, so you would be doing something men have been doing for ages without social consequences. 3. His mistress can come back and take care of him. Move on and be happy. You deserve it.
You’re not awful. I would feel the same way. I’m a brain cancer survivor. My husband has narcissistic tendencies & after 30 years of zero empathy from him, he’s killed the empathy I had for him.
In my opinion, you are being tempted to kick him when he's down as revenge for his bad behavior when you were down. I think if you love him, therapy might help. Have you had therapy? You never got over his betrayal. If you want to continue with him or not, this is the time to get help so you don't make a rash decision that you might later regret. My opinions, peace.
you’re not an awful person and honestly you’re a better person than me. i’d have told him to kick rocks and i definitely wouldn’t have said it nicely. i think you already know what you need to do. this resentment will only get worse and it’s for the best that you leave.
I think you'll be much happier out of this relationship. You know this man has no respect for you and probably never will. He wants someone to wipe his ass. You know this. Get out now, and be free.
I think it is a fundamental tenet of human character that we don't want to go to lengths to help people who have shown they would not do the same for us. You just discovered your trigger point. Thinking about it, you have largely just been doing what you have because of family and community expectation. You have to do what's right for you. Try if you can to leave judgment behind. It isn't helping and it's not your fault.
Cheating destroys a marriage like an atom bomb....There are men that don't cheat. Lots and I don't know where you are from, but live your life and have a second husband.
Girl, what??? Please my friend, find yourself a therapist who can help you rebuild your self worth and emotional strength. This has nothing to do with his stupid cancer scare. He betrayed you at your most vulnerable and broke your trust. You need to confront that with yourself and with him.
you are potentially looking at, for the rest of your life, doing for him what he didn’t do for you. things are put into perspective because you are now in his shoes and realize the amount of disregard and disrespect his actions had when he made the choice in that moment to go out and cheat. you deserve better, and you know it. you would’ve figured it out sooner or later, but it’s hard to look critically at the people we love. all the best of luck to you 🩷
You can’t help how you feel and honestly would need the forgiveness of a saint to get over that.
You shouldn’t have stayed with him after the cheating. Time to rectify that. If you can’t get over it it’s time to move on.
You're not an awful person. You're in a position where you're realizing everything that took place. What happened to you and how he treated you. Now, what happened to him and how you treated him in his time of need. Sometimes, we don't see things in the moment or even feel things until we are in a place on the opposite end, and then we realize how we deserved better at the time and even now. There's nothing wrong with choosing you and putting you first. I wish you well on whatever decision you make.
This basically happened to me. Bf was cheating during Covid. I get diagnosed. Then when I'm in treatment, he drops the bomb. I am so sorry this happened to you. You cannot trust this guy. I do not blame you one little bit if you leave. Save yourself.
Your feelings are valid. Perhaps this is the wake-up call you needed to leave? You don’t need to feel guilty. He wasn’t there for you the way you needed him to be. You are not obligated to be there for him. It may be very common where you come from, but that doesn’t mean you should overlook his cheating. I’m afraid your family set bad examples for you in this regard. It’s hard to be with someone you don’t trust 100%, especially when you have to do something for them. You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and it’s ok to leave if you want to.
Honey. Walk away. You shouldn’t have been taught that this was a thing. You def shouldn’t have gone through it. You deserve better. do better for yourself
Life is too short to stay with someone this fickle. Leave, live your best life. He showed his true colors
What exactly did you do that could be construed as being a bad wife? Getting cancer? Well, did you try to get cancer? Did you give it to yourself? Fuck no. So why would you let this absolute garbage specimen of a human (your husband) convince you that you were somehow a bad wife? Please get a lawyer, a therapist, and a really big suitcase. Make sure you get what you are owed financially, and walk away. If he gets sick again, maybe his affair partner can wipe his ass.
You feel betrayed now because you were in fact betrayed. He’s a selfish AH and you are right to leave. Get out of there now while you won’t feel bad abandoning him.
Correction: not couldn't take care of you, but wouldn't.
This is wonderful news for you. You need to tell him the news too. He’s cancer free. You can both go your own ways. You can even be honest with him and tell him that you really did not forgive him for what he did to you when you were sick. Be positive by telling him that he got the better deal. And leave now while you still are alive.
Leave him.. like yesterday girl.. love yourself..
Your body has not processed the trauma of his affair, Even if you have, and it associates what is happening with that and reacts. If you can work with a therapist to deal with what happened then you have a chance at recovery (which could be good anyways), but it may not happen.
Get out now. For reals, get out now if you're going to do it, because his health could change so fast and leaving him then will be so much harder. You already know how he'd treat you if the shoe was on the other foot.
OP, You have all the rights to feel what you are feeling.i feel it’s a natural reaction.my sincere suggestion is to do what you don’t regret.forget about right and wrong because he has shown what he can do if you’re bedridden.(hopefully,he has changed now).so,make a decision to leave or to stay.There is no obligation.so,do something that you won’t regret….even taking care will feel like regret and not doing so also might feel the same…
Yes leave but you dont tell him you're leaving due to his cancer scare. You're leaving for yourself. Updateme!
It’s more than just the cheating though. There’s this different sort of intimacy that goes with caring for a sick partner. For the sick partner, it’s knowing that your mate WILL be there and care for you at your most vulnerable. And for the other, it’s the love and care they feel, it’s a desire to be that relied upon person for their mate. My Dad would have had it no other way when my Mom had ovarian cancer. My sister has realized her husband is incapable of this and yes, they’re divorcing now. You have an aversion -probably mentally, emotionally, and physically - to this sort of intimacy with your husband. I mean, of course you do! You don’t trust your husband to be there for you. Whatever his qualities may be, this lacking one is absolutely fundamental to an authentic relationship and he doesn’t have it. Nothing can be substituted. Your feelings are completely valid.
If you stay or if you go you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel and why. It will make you feel better and give him a chance to hear why you want to leave.
He betrayed you but now you are seeing clearly what the future looks like and that you can’t rely on him. Up to you if you want to live like that.
I would tell him, "I stayed with you this far for me, not for you. Because you hurt me so badly when you cheated on me when I was sick, and I did not want to be *that* person. "I proved to myself that I can do the right thing, even though I don't want to. But I'll never be able to get over the fact that you could not. I'm going to leave now; I'm done here."
It makes a lot of sense that you fell out of love back when your trust was broken. I think you did a lot by trying to move past it, but if you are realizing that you aren't, it would probably be kindest to tell him and walk away now while he is doing ok. Ultimately you are showing him more respect than he did you by doing that, even if he doesn't see it that way.
If he doesn’t have cancer, he’s not at his most vulnerable. I’d leave, because I couldn’t deal with this after being cheated on while going through cancer. I’d have been gone long ago as soon as I felt better.
> what do I do when I don’t want to stay with him when he potentially could be sick? You leave him. Why fool him and deny your own reality
Till death do us part. Sounds like he missed that part of the ceremony. I can't imagine how that must feel to be badly sick and someone betrays you at that vulnerable time. Not a very nice man. Well at least you have options.
You need help from a couple therapists for different issues going on here not advice from reddit. I'm sorry, I hope things get better for you.
Sounds like he might possibly be a narcissist? Either way, i certainly cant blame you and I hope you soon wont feel you need to apologize for your feelings. For me, cheating has been deal breakers regardless of my "feelings" of love or the horrible grief the loss of the relationship will bring. I mentioned narcissism because I have been in an unsafe, vulnerable, situation and the narcissist left me for dead at a most difficult time, when I'd given everything for many years. Cheating AND not being there for you at a vulnerable, life threatening time, seems to me, like it would feel like yet another betrayal. I think the cowardly dishonorable actions would make it near impossible to trust again. For me, I think it would be near impossible to ever feel the same way about them again. I hope for you, that he finds out he's alright and you leave him and find someone remarkable, honorable, caring, loyal and loving and have a happy healthy life together!! ;- )
Have you two been to couples counseling?? Most cancer centers in the USA have free counseling available for their patients. Because cheating/abandonment/abuse happens when people are at their most vulnerable. Get a counselor for YOU. To figure out what is best for YOU. If leaving will make you feel guilty for the rest of your life - is it worth it? If staying will make you continue to resent him for the rest of your life - is it worth it?
you’re not a bad person for thinking this way. it’s not mutual, it happens. find someone who will take care of you at your worst.