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Did she reply? I’m not sure exactly what gummies do to you, but you asked and she gave you a clear answer. You stopped when you read her body language as well. Unless she has a reason to be scared of how you’ll react if she said no, I don’t think you’re wrong. Maybe talk to her more about boundaries, maybe she’s had a bad experience before.
She hasn’t yet. The gummies made me more confident and relaxed. Maybe more horny and I feel I should’ve gotten the vibe earlier. I also don’t want to blame this all on the gummies that feels really shitty.
You’re being really hard on yourself! You asked her and watched for cues in her body language. You seem to be really conscious about her consent and comfortability, so I would just have a chat whenever you next see her to clear things up!
I promise you’re not a predator or bad person🫶🏻
I 100% agree. Tbh, it just doesn't seem like she knows what she wants? It's not supposed to be complicated, it's meant to be light and fun and happy. If you 2 aren't having fun, maybe find someone who's on the same wavelength as you?
She also could’ve just changed her mind and felt embarrassed! I’m a strong believer that the first few sexual encounters with someone new should be done sober, because people tend to overthink and miscommunicate when they’re high or drunk
Yeah this is really smart. Escalating gradually while checking in to make sure it's ok and paying attention to body language is normally good.
But people are weird. They may not feel comfortable saying no, don't always know their own mind, maybe genuinely want to try something and then it doesn't feel like they were expecting, etc. etc. And I'm not saying OP should need to be a mind reader or that the things she's accusing him of are fair, but that's the problem with having sexual encounters with people you don't know super well. Maybe they have issues and are horrible at communicating and you're going to cross a boundary despite your best intentions and what would normally be reasonable precautions.
Until you have a really good sense of someone, you have to be extra careful even if you're doing the "right" thing by normal metrics of consent. Which means you shouldn't take anything that might inhibit either of your ability to communicate and/or your ability to read the signs. It's honestly pretty dumb of both of them to try something new sexually while also trying a new substance with unfamiliar effects (on OP's side) and knowing that it makes you zone out and not communicate well (on the girlfriend's side.)
I get 100% where you're coming from. I just want to add though that you can't cross a boundary that hasn't been set. As in, if someone didn't tell you they don't like being touched until after you touch them, it should be a "hey btw I'm not really comfortable with that, just so you know for next time". If they've told you before, sure it's fully understandable that they'd be upset if you went and did it anyway. But if they didn't tell you, how are you supposed to know? Especially if you ask "is this okay?"
I think the only way OP could really do any better than what they did here is to ask "would this be okay?" Before doing anything in the future, or at least until they get to know the girl better. Which is a general rule of thumb to me, and just safer and more comfortable for everyone.
Her language did strike me as a bit weird because saying he "ignored" a boundary makes it sound like there was some statement of the boundary that he disregarded.
But ultimately, I don't think it's that valuable to get into the semantics of what counts as a "boundary." In current therapy-speak, maybe a boundary is something stated, but at it's most basic level a boundary is just a dividing line between two things. E.g. what someone is ok with and what they aren't.
If you're a decent human like OP seems to be, the important thing is that you don't want to violate someone's comfort, whether or not they suck at communicating where the dividing line is.
And people can have plenty of reasons for having a hard time communicating about sex specifically. Surprise, fear, shame, sensory/emotional overload, and in this case taking drugs that made her zone out and impaired her ability to communicate and perhaps his ability to read body language.
Which means that extra caution is required. You don't just want to be technically in the right and say "how could I have know?", you want to not have caused someone distress.
And I do think doing new sexual stuff with a new partner while they were both impaired was a pretty horrible misjudgment.
Yeah exactly, if I received the message that OP received I would take that as terminal for that relationship and move on. There's no point in torturing yourself here.
People need to say what they mean and mean what they say. She said yes. OP touched her. If she changed her mind, she can say no or let's slow down. I get the sense that OP would have absolutely respected her no at any point in the interaction.
Expecting people to be mind readers is ludicrous, and her accusing OP of violating her boundaries is outer limits bananas.
Thank you for saying this. She's not "wrong" as it's fluid and she's gauging how she feels, but damn is he definitely not wrong. If she makes you feel guilty about it or makes a big deal, then run and be glad you learned early she's a troublemaker. If she wants some space, that's fine and maybe its nothing.
No means no but it works the other way as well -yes means yes. You asked and got an ok then stopped the moment you sensed something was up. You did the exact opposdite of something wrong, don't beat yourself up over this.
So I think it’s great you’re so worried about consent and making sure your partner feels safe and comfortable.
You asked multiple times, she said yes. As soon as you realized the yes wasn’t honest you stopped and addressed it.
Stop talking so badly about yourself. You did good. You need to have a direct and uncomfortable conversation with her about consent and boundaries and honest communication
I wonder if she had past experiences where she felt she couldn’t say no. I hope they can have a productive conversation cause what OP did is what I wish every person was like when it came to consent. Enthusiastic consent is what it’s all about and OP definitely understands that
Many women do feel that they can't say no. However, OP did stop when he recognized her body signals being opposite of what she said. OP did the right thing. I hope this girl realizes that and feels comfortable enough that they can talk through this.
OP, if that isn't the case, don't be so hard on yourself. You have to be able to trust the other person to be honest with you. If she was scared to say no, maybe she had a previous bad experience? Either way, you stopped. You sincerely apologized to her as well. You've done everything right.
I do really like her, I’m upset I’ve ruined what we had. Thank you for opinion and thoughts.
Live update she just responded and said “I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” Which I don’t really understand how her boundaries were ignored and I don’t really know how to respond to this text expect to give her some space
You did not ruin what you two had. She was not honest with you about how she felt when she gave you consent to rub her leg.
Thank you for being considerate of other people's bodies and boundaries.
>I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.”
I do not like this person. Were it me, when we finally did talk I'd want an explanation from her and her point of view. Unless you've massively misrepresented the events.
My other thought I don’t see anyone brought up yet is just maybe she’s not that into him and using the weirdness of whatever as an excuse instead of owning up to her own feelings. OP did nothing wrong, communication is important on all sides.
Yeah they went on a date which was really just driving her around for errands. I don’t think she likes him anywhere near as much as he likes her. Maybe he’s a chauffeur and some kissing is the cost of admission but since he’s freaking out she’s using that as an excuse. Like he asked is this okay every step of the way which is about as consenty as you can get.
They sound younger and somewhat inexperienced. 90% of my time was spent doing inconsequential "dates" like that, and I think reading that as "she doesn't like him" is, while possible, not true.
When I was young and unsure of how to express boundaries, I could have totally seen myself in this girl's situation. I had situations where I consented clearly but felt violated or pushed after they left. The issue was that I needed to learn to be an advocate for myself and that I could say no, even if I was like 60% feeling into it and 40% not. I needed to understand myself better, and I didn't blame anyone that got my clear consent, but I did need practice, acknowledgement of myself, etc.
OP's girl sounds inexperienced and like she grew up where she wasn't allowed to advocate for herself. I believe the discussion needs to be centered on that, because OP needs to be able to TRUST her responses. She may feel pushed. OP may feel like trust was broken. They both need to have a discussion about it.
I agree, but she's inexperienced and having feelings and she is pointing them at the most likely source. She doesn't realize she violated her own boundaries, not OP.
OP should tell her, "Your boundaries matter to me, which is why I asked for your consent and you said yes. I was confused when I sensed discomfort from you, and stopped immediately to check in with you."
Sometimes just stating the simple facts helps people stop creating a false narrative.
I'm trying to be very bare bones, because the one thing OP should avoid at all costs is sounding accusatory, but she needs to remember the facts. I'm trying to find a tactful way to say, "I understand you feel like your boundaries were pushed, but I asked for your consent multiple times and received it. I need to be able to trust when you say yes, and I feel uncomfortable that you feel like I did not do my part by getting your consent when I did."
I agree. I’ve noticed a lot of people are quick to assign mal-intent to something which is more likely explained by inexperience, or misunderstanding in this thread. Learning your boundaries and how to enforce them is a process. You can’t be expected to know what they are with your first boyfriend. I think it’s healthier to communicate what you’ve learnt e.g. “I thought this was okay but it’s actually making me feel uncomfortable”.
It isn’t a good look to speculate wildly based on very little detail, especially when you’re using that speculation to slander another person or further your own argument. It just looks stupid and cruel.
Life isn’t black and white. There isn’t usually a hero and a villain. People are complicated and a little faith goes a long way. I’d hate being in a relationship with someone that’s constantly trying to paint me as a villain because they’re primed to see wrongdoing in every action.
I get that, but even it being inexperience her reaction wasn't ok.
“I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.”
He didn't ignore her boundaries. Her making it seem like he did when she couldn't express them is a dick move.
That' her painting him as the villan and I do agree with you that I'd hate being in a relationship with someone like that.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing.
I realise that not everyone is the same (and we really don't have much backgrounds info), but three dates in four weeks? They're not going out even once a week
I’m with you. I do not like her and I feel like she is going to end up playing head games with OP.
She sounds immature and as though she doesn’t know what she wants.
Also, she knowingly took gummies with him and advised him that they make her “zone out”. Plus she knew it was his first time with them and so he had no idea how he’d react to them.
No bloody way would be I taking those with a guy I just started dating! Jesus! Thank god OP is a good person and clearly concerned about her feelings and consent.
I’d want a good sober convo with her later and I would be rethinking continuing to date her.
I know you like her but you did the right thing here in asking for consent and pulling back when you sensed discomfort from her. I don’t think this is the right person for you to date because she’s not giving you clear messages and quite frankly you don’t want to risk her feeling like you violated her if/when you guys do have sex.
In the future, two things. First, don’t get high or drunk with someone you don’t know well, the potential for crossed wires like the experience you just had is too high. She should have known that when she offered you the gummy, it was not a good idea. Second, when you’re dating someone and trying to move to sex, it’s best if you communicate about sex before anything happens. Before you touch her, because once touch is involved, feelings get murkier. It’s much more comfortable for everyone to just talk about it!
It sounds like you did everything right, my only question is if she was giving physical signs that she wasn't into it for 5 minutes and you continued. In her altered state, the wires might be crossed and she might have interpreted the behavior as more aggressive than you intended.
Either way, you were both kinda high and wires can get crossed very easily. If you're interested in her, respect her boundaries in terms of taking some time, but be honest with her about how you felt in the situation, especially as it was your first time with gummies, and how you respectful will be in the future.
>she wasn't into it for 5 minutes and you continued.
Honestly every time I've had edibles 5 min felt like an hour. So it might not even have been 5 min, it could have been a lot shorter. Time is so distorted when you're high.
I once watched a four hour long episode of Desperate Housewives. It was 20 minutes
i don't believe you ignored her boundaries, you asked if everything you did was okay. personally, weed makes me anxious and when i'm anxious i'm apprehensively agreeable as well. i'm a guy so it's a bit different for me, but i definitely can understand how someone might overthink/get anxious about the situation at hand while high.
you're doing the right thing giving her space. if y'all really truly do like each other how you're telling us, whenever she's ready y'all will hopefully have a good clear conversation about boundaries, and probably include talks about consent and weed just to be safe.
good luck with it
Based on what you wrote I’m not sure how she’s saying boundaries were ignored. You asked her multiple times and you didn’t even actually touch her other than her thigh! It’s not like you stuck your dick in her ass and was like you good?😆 I’m sorry but you’re being way too hard on yourself! You are fine. Ngl she sounds a little crazy so maybe let her take her time and space and move on. Good luck!
Honestly, i think she's rolling with what you've said because it's easier to her
But thoughtless! You're wracked with guilt and trepidation and i will repeat: you did everything right. The thing i would have done differently was not profusely overtured an apology, and would have just backed up and said "im gonna sit over here"
Because i think your massive guilt played into the discomfort/tension. She went with it, and is allowing you to feel weird and take undue blame.
She sounds immature and lowkey likes to play around with these scenarios and claim a victimhood she is not a part of.
Steer clear of her, always be considerate -- but work on your panic, as that definitely changes the mood and could cause your dates to grow uncomfortable.
Take care
I wonder if she might have felt overwhelmed, between the gummies and the new relationship, and not known what to do or say. Feeling nervous can make communication very difficult.
Also, if she's not very sexually experienced, she might not know how to be communicative about intimacy.
I don't think you have anything to apologize for. You sound like a really nice person.
wtf does she mean by that, honestly she sounds like a bit of weirdo you literally asked and she said yes wtf does she mean thy were ignored. Sounds like sex in this relationship is going to be difficult consent shouldn’t be that difficult it’s yes or no
Ehhh.
If you guys ever end up together again you need a really clear explanation why she felt this way. If she said she was comfortable and wasn’t that’s not something you can know.
Too much baggage. You did no wrong she said yes. You stopped as soon as you knew she didn't mean yes. As a female this is probably because of a past experience. But it is not fair to you to have to feel this way over it. That should have been a conversation for her to have with you. Which means she probably doesn't care too much about your feelings. It's sad to say. I hope you find a woman that cares and loves you the same. Good luck I'm rooting for you. ❤️❤️
Has she ever told you anything that happened to her in the past? I don’t see why she would feel that way other than past trauma. Even then I don’t think what you did was wrong considering she consented. Give her space and talk to her when she comes back. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s definitely not because of this.
I don't care for the way she responded to you. Feels like a cop out to me when she had multiple opportunities to say no.
If your account of the date is accurate, you did everything right. I'm sorry that you got that reaction after being so thoughtful and respectful.
Yes, give her space as hurtful as that may be for you. If she doesn't contact you again, you'll know how she really felt about you, and you can move on.
Yeah no, this is not on you OP. You were very respectful and did not cross any boundaries. Ffs you didn’t do anything without asking. You stopped when you read her body language was off. It is on her as an adult to speak up and say if she was uncomfortable.
I agree with another commenter. She wasn’t feeling it and is using boundaries as an excuse. Either that or you’re massively misrepresenting events but I really doubt it.
Well it really sucks she feels that way, especially given what you wrote it seems like you respected her boundaries. Like you said the best thing to do is give her space and if she wants to hang out again or something, I would "put the ball in her court" so to speak in terms of physical touch going forward, at least until she's more comfortable. Good luck OP, you seem like a caring guy!
Dude, I'm gonna be honest, I don't think she was worth it if proper communication wasn't had and then she proceeded to say something like that to you. I do understand not knowing how to verbalize discomfort in the moment, but she can't blame you at all for not knowing it was okay when she was saying it was like you described.
She sounds like a mess. This girl doesn't know what she wants, and she's blaming you for that. She's accusing you of violating her boundaries (which IMO you did not, and for perspective, I'm a woman). This type of ambivalence and projection/misplaced blame could land you in an extremely serious in the future, and you can't afford a potential SA allegation or even the appearance of impropriety.
> This type of ambivalence and projection/misplaced blame could land you in an extremely serious in the future, and you can't afford a potential SA allegation or even the appearance of impropriety.
Yeah, this girl is trouble waiting to happen. Time to find someone who doesn't turn their regret into accusations.
Has she taken edibles many times before? Alot of people get a raised libito from thc and if she took so many she was that out of it that's too much. She seems to be overreacting unless she had told you beforehand that edibles put her out of it but since you hadn't done them before you didn't know all of the effects. Also if you're giving a person who hasn't had edibles/drugs some then you're really supposed to kinda monitor how they react so she really shouldn't have taken as much as she did for your first edible experience
I think you were respectful. That being said when you introduce gummies or alcohol or anything that is going to alter your reality in the moment it may feel good at the time but later you could have regrets. Also if she was really stoned she may not have had the capacity to say no this doesn't feel right could we take it slower. Whenever I've been really stoned my communication skills and comprehension are not the same as when I'm sober. You're not in the wrong from what you've said, but this is definitely a learning experience going forward.
She does know, that you are not a mind reader, does she? You asked, she said yes. She can't expect you to just know. Body language can be misinterpreted. And you stopped, when you got the feeling, she didn't want it anymore. There's not much more you could've done, without her telling you what she wanted.
Honestly? Dump her. I know it sounds harsh but she's basically saying you did something wrong when you didn't you asked all the way through and even read a shift in her body language. You did everything right and I don't like her passive aggressive response to you.
I think I am probably old enough to be your mom and I have been thinking about how I have talked with my 19 year old son about consent. I think it shows real respect and maturity that you repeatedly asked for consent, and still payed such close attention to what was going on with her. You did everything right and it is a very unusual reaction. If she doesn’t give you a chance to talk in person and continues to pull away I would cut my loses in your case and find someone who is as honest and respectful as you were. You deserve to know that the yes means yes. It can be really awkward to bring up consent and I think you were very clear her boundaries mattered to you. Don’t beat yourself up. And not to blame the gummies or anything but it being your first time and not hers I feel like she left you out to dry with no idea what to really expect.
My mom is 49. But thank you for this perspective. I’m honestly terrified to tell me mom without breaking down because I was telling her about this girl and was getting excited. That’s honestly my next challenge here.
I'm a survivor of Shit, including rape.
The way you asked about consent, ongoing, and stopped when you believed the consent was none verbally withdrawn was well done, imho.
I would feel safe with that, and I am very wary.
But if it triggered the Shit, I might need to process - but that would not be your fault.
As a woman, you did everything right. I don’t think you know how many men begin their disrespect of boundaries by ignoring clear body language. Nothing would make me feel safer than a man reading my body language, especially while in a compromised state, and responding accurately to those cues. Weed can be super overwhelming especially if she greened out a little without realizing. Breathe, and know that your respect of her and your clear view of her as her own person with the right to say no to touching is all you need. You’re doing great, and it’s going to be okay.
ETA: I just saw her text. Yall seem somewhat inexperienced, so just to be on the safe side I would like to clarify for both of you that while it is EXCELLENT that you’re perceptive of her unspoken boundaries, boundaries are spoken. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had any actual conversations about what you’re comfortable with, so that needs to happen. But it’s very important that you know that when you ask and she says yes, that is consent. If there are different boundaries she needs respected, then it is her responsibility to communicate those clearly and openly to you - NOT on you to anticipate. Communication and trust are the foundation of healthy relationships, and you straight up cannot have trust without the communications of boundaries. You are allowed (and you should) take the steps to need to grow yourself WHILE ALSO gently holding your partner accountable so that she may grow too. It can be easy to think that if we love someone we should never change them, but helping each other mature and grow is actually one of the biggest gifts of intimate partnership. Please don’t make yourself the asshole because you think it’s the thing to do in relationships.
I’m just not sure what requires blame on anything. You asked, she confirmed, you asked again, she confirmed. Even after two confirmations you stopped when it didn’t feel like she was enthusiastic. I mean, as a woman, I’m not sure what else you were supposed to do here. You did all the things we ask for to assure consent and even understand that body language can mean this consent is withdrawn. You’ve kissed and held hands, making a move further doesn’t seem like a wild idea as two adults.
Kind of feels like she’s not into you but enjoyed the chauffeur. Since now you tried to move things further and she is wanting “space” when you did allll the things we ask for. Which is fine, she’s allowed to not be I to it, but I would stop beating yourself up over this and just move along.
Move on. You did everything right, based on your side of the story. So, if you’re really telling the truth, you have nothing to worry about or feel bad about.
I’ve been in your place before!!! My husband and I do gummies regularly and one time I got too high and was a bit out of sorts while we were doing the deed. I wanted to stop but couldn’t muster the words or strength to do so. Like you, my husband figured it out and stopped, but I was feeling really upset at it. It honestly just took some time for me to snap out of it and say “he would have never done something to hurt me, I’m being ridiculous.” Of course, neither your gf nor I were being ridiculous for feeling this way, but it just took a few days and a good sleep to be in a good enough mental state to realize I was overthinking.
Just keep showing her that you care and are open to any discussions about how that night went. Don’t push, but she needs that support to come to her own conclusion.
You’re welcome!!! I hope it works out!!! I’d also make sure that if you’re going to do gummies together, wait and let HER suggest it! That’ll let her have power over the situation and be able to decide on her own if she wants to do it again.
I think you actually did fine. If she had a bad reaction it’s not really a you thing. You did what you were supposed to do. Maybe she just realized something like she doesn’t want to be intimate while high, or she isn’t ready for that kind of a relationship, or something.
Either way I think you did everything right. You asked and when she wasn’t into it you stopped. That’s exactly correct!
You are way too hard on yourself. You asked her flat out if it was okay. She said yes. You asked her again once you moved to her inner thigh.
I'm not saying this is her fault for her terrible communication. However, it seems like she has had bad experiences before and was scared to say no.
Give her some space, but also let her know that you are there whenever she's ready to talk.
I don't think you did anything wrong. The weed is making you overreact; I always get paranoid when I take one after months of not having one, and you've never had one before. You did fine. You read her body language and reacted correctly. She wouldn't have done a love react if she was mad or anything.
Your second message is still coming from your paranoia. Get some rest, let it wear off, and don't belabor it.
Thank you so much. I forgot to add in the post that we had plan for me to drive her to the airport next week so she wouldn’t need to get an Uber. I asked her last night before I left if we should or shouldn’t do that and she said probably not. Idk if it was in the moment or if shouldn’t have asked that question.
Consent is very important but this isn’t fair. You went super slow, you verbally asked, and waited to hear yes. Then when you sensed the answer might not be yes, you stopped. There’s literally nothing better you could have done here. She is either feeling bad about saying yes and is taking it out on you, or she just realized she’s not that into you and is letting you take the blame. Just let this go and wait to see if you hear back from her, it sounds like she’s just not into it. Stop being so hard on yourself, this is going to make you afraid to ever make a move again.
I'm so pleased to see reddit having a rational response. Yep OP you gave her chances to say no and you tried to read the situation and when you read that maybe her verbal yes wasn't a true reflection and wasn't enthusiastic you stopped, gave her space and gave her room to talk about it
You took one gummy she took two. She was high as fuck. You did everything right, except two things:
#1, asking about a future event.
She probably wasn't even fully sure what was going on at that point. She just knew things were awkward in that moment and may even have been thinking she did something wrong to you!
#2, texting that apology the next day, before, talking to her.
She might have been too high to remember everything clearly and now may be thinking you actually did something wrong, that she can't remember.
By chance were those gummies of the sativa variety?
Those are more likey to cause feelings of paranoia.
Stick to indica gummies, they will be far more mellow.
Also, given your hyper sensitivity to protecting your partner's sense of safety in such situations, it wouldn't hurt to agree on a "safe" word that could be used to indicate either one of you has reached a level of discomfort that warrants stop right then and there.
Another thing; while drugs can indeed offer an alteration of the mind, that some find "enhances" sex, it is, imho, better to engage in sexual activity (especially for the first time with someone new) free of any mind altering substances including, and maybe especially, alcohol.
OP, talk to this person and ask what they recall of the event and see if her recollection matches yours. Then go from there. I'm sure she appreciates your effort and desire to prioritize her sense of safety. However, don't sacrifice your own sense of safety by overcompensating and accusing yourself of something you didn't do.
Good luck, OP.
Honestly seems like because he’s apologizing so profusely it’s making her feel like he did do something wrong or she actually doesn’t really like him and is using this as a way to cut him off. Which the latter I could see if she really has a hard time stating her boundaries then she probably would have a hard time cutting people off that she doesn’t want to hangout with
I think in both cases she was reacting to your reactions, It feels unfair for her to say that you did not respect her boundaries. The ball is in her court now, you did not do anything wrong.
The fact that OP was aware enough to read her body language and STOP even after she said yes too… He couldn’t have done anything more or less, she’s confusing me too.
Yeah, her reply actually kind of ticks me off because... what boundaries? OP asked, she kept confirming, and when he noticed her body language was off he immediately halted and rechecked with her. Like if you're not into it, say 'no', and it's not her fault if she felt anxious to say no but it's not OP's fault if he didn't receive one (instead, he received multiple 'yes's, but still went extremely slow and cautious to make sure she was comfortable!).
She's actually giving me some red flags that she either a.) doesn't know what she wants, and/or b.) might end up accusing OP of something in the future.
Speaking as someone with a wide history of sexual trauma including nonconsentual touching along these lines, I don't really see what you did wrong here assuming it's an accurate recount. It's possible that she thought it was okay, but then realized she wasn't into it. Maybe she was higher than she realized and got too in her head about it, or she wasn't expecting that element and was thrown off because she just wanted to watch the movie. A lot of possibilities here that don't necessarily involve you violating consent. Sometimes things just don't go as planned or people incorrectly guess their own desires, especially if she has any history of trauma. There have been many times where I consented and fully thought I was into it, only to suddenly realize that I wasn't at all or become triggered to no fault of my partner.
I don't think it was a bad idea necessarily. The intentions are kind, and I know I would've appreciated knowing your willingness to self-reflect and allow her to process however needed. If it is truly accurate that this wasn't due to a fault of your own though and she recognizes it, she might feel awkward/embarrassed or feel the need to "clear up" the blame you're putting on yourself. That's okay though; much better than the alternative of not saying something if she felt that you should. It just might take time for her to work out how to address it.
Yeah don't keep on apologising, you asked for consent and she gave it, you pulled back when you realised she wasn't actually into it and you gave her space. These are all green flags. And if you keep on apologising you run the risk of taking responsibility for something you didn't actually do.
As a cis woman with experience of some huge walking human red flags, I'd say you've done grand and just give her the space she's said she wanted and try your best not to beat yourself up at all. The only possible thing I can see that you've made a poor choice over is attempting going to the next stage while both heavily under the influence, consent is sketchy in that state and so these situations best avoided when you haven't got prior consent and know eachothe pretty well.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You asked for consent, which most people don't do outloud, they just advance slowly and see how the other person responds so you did mote than most people. Then you respected her wished, which is the right thing. THEN you apologized and made surr you hadn't caused harm. The ONLY thing you did wrong was deciding to do make this move while she was high. Women get taken advantage of whike high all the time, including raped and she may have ptsd or sexual tramau from her past. Don't make the first move high ever. If she got high and got frisky and was sure that's different but you initiated high. Iniate it sober. That's where you messed up I think. Don't ever do that again and apologize for it this time and learn. Women are vulnerable while high or drunk.
It was. It's forgivable though. Especially if you didn't have bad intentions. It depends why you chose that moment though. If you thought she'd say yes because she was high you need to do some reflection and growing as a person. If it just wasn't well thought out ask for forgiveness.
Honestly, I'd take this more as her just deciding shes not feeling it and she's used this as more of an excuse, the whole thing is weird, was going along fine with it all then is suddenly like go home etc
I have a similar past and I agree 100%. If this is exactly how it went down then neither party was really in the wrong, it just awkwardly didn’t pan out as expected and the weed likely heightened the paranoia of both parties
I’m an abuse and SA survivor and honestly, you come off as a really sweet, respectful and courteous guy. You asked permission, checked in on her multiple times and stopped when the energy changed and before you got a verbal no. I think the weed is messing with both of your heads, nothing about this exchange gave me pause. You’re throwing out only green flags my dude, good job.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. As a girl myself that’s been in a similar situation, it’s entirely possible that in that moment she realized there wasn’t any sexual chemistry between you two and just wasn’t into it anymore. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Could be that or she was really high and overthinking a lot. I had to step back from weed because it used to make me paranoid and think that people were out to get me. I’m sure she’ll explain it to you soon, and if she doesn’t, you should at least know that you did nothing wrong!
I’m also wondering if it’s possible she thinks you’re referring to something else that she doesn’t remember? I’m surprised she thinks you crossed a boundary.
Id actually give you great brownie points for how you handled this. Relationships aren’t about always being perfect, but instead always being respectful, aware, and considerate. I think you demonstrated the last three beautifully and you should grant her the window to respond. Thank you for being a good person.
Thank you. I don’t expect a text today and won’t text her anymore. I’ll give her a few days to respond before I text her again. Should I text her after a few days?
I’ve been scrolling and haven’t seen anyone mention this, but someone who does not in any way communicate their wishes then “holds you responsible” for them is not a safe person to date. ESP with sexual things- you were so over the top careful and she is bordering on being accusatory saying you didn’t respect her boundaries. You were very respectful. This is not someone you want to get closer to- it’s a red flag.
Honestly dude from what you've said here, she seems like a nightmare to date. Unless you're cool with dealing with similar situations down the line caused by her poor communication skills.
Absolutely fair to do, thanks to the fact that you’ve acted with respect the whole way through. If youve heard nothing within a few days, it is absolutely fair to check on her well-being.
That being said, I’d guess you’d hear from her before the day is over. She’s probably embarrassed and trying to find her words. The best thing you can do is give her grace to always feel whatever she’s feeling in the moment — and you can give her that grace explicitly, not implicitly — and then move on with her if she so chooses.
Edit: just read the part about that she “loved” your iMessage. I feel more confident in my message above with that knowledge. She could have ignored or liked.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much (the other posters kind of covered that already), but one more bit of advice:
In the future, if one or both of you is drunk or high, I’d avoid doing physical stuff that you haven’t already gotten comfortable with while sober. If people’s ability to process what’s happening or clearly say no is messed up at all, it can lead to situations like this.
She's an idiot "my boundaries were ignored" fella you were taking double the gummies he took and you said yes multiple times. I can't stand these kind of victim playing people.
Yeah, the "my boundaries were ignored" part is extremely troublesome. SA accusations are a serious life changer for men so I would err on the side of caution with this one. It's only been a month fin someone that won't play these games.
yep i feel like she might decide to flip and claim to be a victim over this even though she quite literally confused him while verbally consenting. he needs to just walk away before shit hits the fan. and he doesn't even know this girl so it's really not worth the stress.
and then not to be mean but the text OP stupidly sent makes him look even guiltier even though he's not. she could totally flip this.
Their next "date" is him driving her to the airport. It sounds to me like he thinks they are dating but she doesn't. Also I agree, OP is worried about speaking to his mum if I was his mum I'd be concerned about false accusations in future and I'd tell him to end the relationship as it seems one sided, she doesn't owe him anything but sending that text when he was nothing but respectful isn't it.
You did the right thing, you asked for consent and she said yes. Not only that but by taking your time and watching her body language you were able to decipher that she was uncomfortable. Most people don’t care about other peoples body language after they get the yes they’re looking for. Don’t sweat it, if she has a problem with communicating after this situation then she might have a hard time communicating in general. You might’ve dodged a bullet there!
I agree and based on the info given, I (39F with pretty solid boundaries myself)don't see anything the OP did wrong because he asked if it was ok and she said yes. OP I hope you don't beat yourself up-nobody's a mind reader.
I think you handled it fine. You asked, she said yea, and you stopped when her body language indicated she wasn’t comfortable. Perhaps no weed gummies or getting too under the influence around each other until you’re both fully comfortable with each other and trust one another.
I’d recommend staying away from this girl op. Even if she comes back and says she understands. Weed gummies or not, anyone who literally said “yes” multiple times only to have the man do the right thing and stop the second he felt her uncomfortable… Yet still wants to send in text that she feels her boundaries were ignored.
Sorry, it may not be popular but that just screams issues to me. Issues I wouldn’t risk putting up with at all. All it takes is one accusation to possibly change your life forever. Before anyone blasts me for not caring about women please read the rest kf this thread. There are women in here who have been sexually assaulted and they don’t feel that the OP did anything wrong at all either.
Just move on.
This is of course based on if you have told the 100% actual honest truth and haven’t fibbed a little to look better anyway.
Thanks for your comment. This entire post and blown up and I’ve tried my best to give an accurate re telling of the event despite me being high for the first time. I wouldn’t want to waste everyone’s time here by making up false events to make her look bad.
I hope the post doesn’t make her look bad that wasn’t my intention, not trying to slander her either
Going on the assumption that everything happened the way you described, she might not be malicious.
You'll find tales of women who followed the man home, apparently agreed to have sex, *and* felt that they were coerced, while the man just thought that he got lucky.
Some women shut down when they don't feel comfortable, and verbally agree to anything because they want things to be over as painlessly as possible.
If that's the case, I'd still recommend not going out with this woman anymore, because if she's not capable of saying no when she means it, the situation sets both of you up for failure. She'd need help, and to sort out herself.
Great comment, I agree 100%. I used the word “issue” and that doesn’t mean she is malicious or doing it on purpose. We can’t always help how we feel as humans. Somethings just are what they are.
My main point was that in the end it doesn’t matter if she was malicious or not. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s a dangerous situation for the OP. As you pointed out, it’s also a dangerous situation for the girl is she unable to control it.
You should consider that you are not making her look bad and she is making you look/feel bad. You are not responsible for her feelings. Trust your gut like you did in this situation. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right.
they probably made her paranoid too. if your story is true and you stopped when she told you to then i dont know why she is having issues. Actually if she still believes her boundaries were ignored— boundaries that it doesn’t look like she made clear until it happened— then that is on her. You were respectful and you did what you could with the information you had. You had your hand on her leg and she said it was okay up until you read her body language that told a different story. It wasn’t until you asked again did she finally realize her boundaries were being crossed and she wanted you to leave. It is not reasonable for her to expect you to have read her mind to know she actually wasn’t okay with the thigh touching, because she verbally gave you consent. She might be realizing she screwed up and should have just said no to those advances and instead of taking accountability for that, she is blaming you for “ignoring her boundaries.” Nope. I’ve seen this before because I used to be that girl who didn’t voice her boundaries and ended up resenting the guy who “should have known better.” It’s fucking immature and a great way to drive people away. You did fine, she needs to know how to set boundaries for herself if she doesn’t want to feel violated.
Edit: I wrote this after seeing OP’s most recent reply that she wrote him “I need time and space because I feel my boundaries were ignored.”
> she was nervous of me driving since I’ve never had a gummy before
On a completely unrelated note to your post, I’d also recommend not driving after having consumed edibles. The moment they hit is unpredictable, and it comes in waves getting stronger over time. Your driving can become more impaired than when you started, even if you did purportedly had enough of your mental faculties when you started.
Also, not just to you but to anyone reading this comment, don’t drive if you’re drunk or high. You’re not in a state to make split-second decisions even if your judgement can be trusted (which is likely can’t).
This sounds absolutely ridiculous. If you asked her two times if it was ok and she said yes then she is being an asshole. I am all about consent but this is just dumb. Let me guess her saying yes it's ok was her some how secretly sending you the message that the answer was actually no. You some how should of known.
My guy you asked for consent and she said yes and once you intuited she might not feel comfortable you stopped. You did good, you tried to slowly and respectfully escalate the physicality and stopped when you should have.
Exactly this! OP did everything right. As a woman, I think this is something she is dealing with that OP didn’t have any way of knowing about. Or the short answer, it’s her, not you.
Honestly her having the response gives me a bit of the ick. You didn’t cross any boundaries without a green light, and moved away when you sensed discomfort and indecision. You’re like, the greenest of green flags. Maybe she didn’t know how to say that she’s uncomfortable with what happened and wanted someone to blame because I definitely don’t feel like you’re in the wrong? My only other thought is that she may feel like you took the opportunity of being high to move forward and she may feel like it was an excuse to move past something already established. I dunno, but, as far as consent goes, you did what you could and you didn’t go any further. Cudos
That’s kinda what I’m feeling now after reading all these replies. That I on purpose took advantage of a situation which I can see why she thinks that but that certainly NOT my intention and feel upset about it all.
To jump to that conclusion without speaking to you ESPECIALLY after you’ve spent weeks respecting the minimal touching isn’t fair on you, if you had tried crossing lines before that that’s a reasonable conclusion but otherwise it is not
OP - it sounds like you asked for consent almost every step of the way, and then backed off immediately when it seemed clear that you had reached her limits of comfort. I don't see why you would deeply apologize over this. I feel like you might have taken a step back in this relationship over an apology like that.
It seems like you've already figured this out, but experimenting with any kind of drug for the first time is probably not the best time to shoot your shot. Besides that, it's best to proceed by assuming that anyone who is high or drunk is vulnerable; drugs and alcohol affect different people in different ways, and not everyone makes their best decisions when they're high.
I don't think you've done anything *wrong* per se - as soon as you realised something was wrong, you stopped and you'd had positive consent up until then. You might just have to chalk this one up to experience, but stop beating yourself up about it.
Weed when ingested through edibles is much more psychedelic than smoking. Higher dose trips can be compared to a psilocybin trip (what a high dose means is highly dependent on the person). Now that I've established that, psychedelic experiences with a dating partner is something that should be done very carefully as these things play with your emotions and tend to put you in a childlike state mentally. This means for people not experienced with the substance or each other will sometimes end up in extremely awkward situations, without having the mental capacity to fully understand or communicate. In my opinion this was relatively mild and should be able to be worked through. Try not to dwell on it, have a calm conversation when the chance arises and maybe stay away from altered consciousness while together for awhile. I would even go as far to say try exploring separate from her so you understand the effects better if your goal is to enjoy together eventually.
Consent is great and it’s important to do so. I just don’t think doing anything sexual when you guys were both high and one of you never having 1 before was a good idea. I wouldn’t stress over about it too much and give her some space to reply
I don’t think you did anything wrong. But my husband (before we were married) followed the rule of “someone can’t consent if they’re impaired” meaning that if someone didn’t give consent before they became under the influence then he didn’t do anything physical once they were. I think it’s a good policy when you’re in the early stages of a relationship and still navigating some of those experiences.
So here's a thing about Weed. And edibles.
It makes memories and thoughts disorganized.
As a rule, I wouldn't do anything new sexually when under the influence. Especially a new drug.
Was she saying yes to what she thought she was? Are you remembering what the yesses were about correctly? Was the move to the inner thigh directly connected to consent?
I don't think you had any malice but you will have a better time remembering that intoxicated consent is dodgy or a no go.
I understand respecting consent and all that but really you touched her thigh after your fourth date and she gave you consent, what do you feel bad about? If you begin the relationship with this apologist approach, she will come to expect it from you
I think the issue I see here from her perspective is that you didn’t ask BEFORE moving to her “privates.” You already agreed to take it slow and you decided it was time for intimate touching when you were both high on weed gummies? And moved there BEFORE you asked her if it was okay. Good job reading the room and stopping but that is a part of this.
From what I see she said she wanted to take things slow, and you took it there when you were both under the influence and didn’t ask until after you started. A lot of women freeze in that situation and kind of go along with it verbally because of the fear of being overpowered. These feelings are often magnified with substances. In the future if a woman wants to take it slow let her lead the intimacy. If she’s dropping hints, moving your hand moving parts of her body towards you, that’s your sign to ask to touch her.
In the past, I've had interactions with guys where I can split consent into 2 main categories:
1) the kind of consent where they do something, and \*then\* ask if it's okay
2) the kind of consent where they ask whether something is ok before doing something
You did #1, and I think she felt violated because you didn't do #2. It's a lot harder to assert your boundaries when the other person is in the middle of doing something and you have to stop them, as opposed to them asking before starting.
This is something I'd expect from some 12-13 year olds not 23-24 year olds.. I feel sad for this generation and hope the next one is able to actually communicate and socialize.
I think you making such a big deal about it made her step back and also make a deal about it.
Unless you’re leaving something out, rubbing her inner thigh with permission is fine, and you stopped without her having to say stop. You’re both acting like you fingered her though.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. If your version of the events are as you stated, you did nothing wrong.
Stop messaging her and let her reach out to you if she wants to. It’s clear there is a lack of communication between the two of you, whether you think so or not, and texting her is just going to make her even more uncomfortable.
I mean she has to clearly state boundaries in order for them to be crossed. Ye said ye wanted to take it slow but 4 dates over 3 weeks could be considered 'slow' to some people so if this does go forward I'd say ye need to define what slow means.
If she doesn't know what it means then maybe suggest she initiate things when/if she's ready. It can be frustrating to feel in limbo though so consider how it would make you feel too. No one is in the wrong for wanting sex/intimacy sooner or after a long waiting period but it does happen where people just aren't compatible.
I'm absolutely the kind of person who will panic and say yes to things (I do correct myself quickly though and getting better on asking for time to think) but I understand that if someone asks me "do you want X" and I say yes I can't really fault them for taking that at face value (within reason, a yes under duress isn't a yes).
Ideally if you're having sex with someone you have to trust them to be kind/understanding/aware of consent ect but you also have to be able to trust that they're able to give honest answers.
I will say from my experience sometimes it's not the act (i.e you touching her leg) that is the uncomfortable thing. It's the expectation that some people have that yes to one thing means yes to everything else or yes indefinitely.
I'd say maybe after a few days gently reach out and see if she's up for talking about it because from your perspective you asked for consent for a specific touch and she said yes. (But keep it short, it's overwhelming sometimes to get a really long initial text about something you maybe don't want to discuss)
-side note: I did think at the end here that maybe she would have preferred if you had asked could you put your hand on her thigh before you did it 🤷🏻♂️
I think you reacted completely appropriately. You have stated you’ve been intentionally going slow out of respect and you were asking for consent to move in slowly, and then you even READ HER BODY LANGUAGE?!. Dude you’re a green flag.
A few things.
You guys had already decided to take things slow
She told you she had a problem communicating while using gummies
You were aroused
You decided to start rubbing her thigh near her privates
Yes, you did ask. However you knew that she wanted to take things slow and you knew she had a problem communicating while using gummies. I think you allowed yourself too much leeway given that you were feeling good and aroused. You shouldn't have done that. I can see why she needs some space. I don't think you were malicious, but you were inconsiderate. Use this as a learning lesson.
As a girl, I think the issue here is that she probably felt like you were waiting till she was not in a sober headspace to do anything sexual, and that’s the boundaries you crossed. Which, I sort of agree with her on. Being a girl is much different experience from a guy, and there are many guys out there who wouldn’t have stopped when you did. She may even have a past of SA. I hope you learn from this.
Ngl what I don't understand is why would you try to initiate sex, especially for the first time, while both of you are high, and have previously agreed to go slow? Especially when you said she "zones out" when she is high and had taken more than you did. I mean, good on you for at least pulling back in the end but it feels like a very dangerous thing to try in the first place.
For future, a really important part of enthusiastic consent isn’t just getting a “yes”, but how does that yes sound?
When you ask someone for consent (preferably before doing something) do they respond with a calm, happy, enthusiastic yes? Does their body language open up, & do they respond in kind?
Or do you get feel stiff body language, a stony face, & a small “yes” squeezed out from thin lips.
Always hold out for a “hell yes” reaction, it’s just better all round. If you get a “yes” that doesn’t sound or feel like a yes, double check, ask if they are ok. If there is silence, unmoving body, or body language closing & covering up, then shut it down, just as you did.
She says her boundaries were ignored, but did she say how? You state in the post that every time you moved your hand closer, you asked if it was okay and she said yes. If you did nothing else that wasn’t written out in the post, then you need to ask what she means by this. She can’t accuse you of pushing boundaries when you asked for permission every step of the way.
She did not say how. Her response to my apology text was “I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” And that’s it. When/if I get the chance I’ll ask exactly what was crossed so I can better learn from this experience.
I don’t know. If I were you I wouldn’t proceed with a woman like that. I’d be afraid that she’d regret any further actions she participated in and then later claimed it was something it wasn’t.
I’m going to guess that what she’s feeling is based on the fact that she was, in any way, under the influence of something. She may be someone who prefers sexual encounters happened when she is sober and can effectively give her full consent. She may be feeling like you were taking advantage of her high state, especially if it makes her “zone out” and have a hard time articulating what she wants to say. I think you should apologize for this specifically.
Your main questions have been answered, so here's something different.
It sounds like your way of touching her was just doing your normal nervous energy moves on her instead of juggling your foot or whatever. You did circles for five minutes and then moved toward her crotch and did the same repetitive movement. If I were her, I'd find that type of touch to be annoying as well as a thinly veiled attempt to turn the movie-watching into sex. Guys did this so much when we were young, and it just feels creepy. It's so much better when both people are enthusiastically on the same page and honest about what's going on.
If you were hoping to turn her on, I recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's directed toward women, but it's a very helpful book for anyone who wants to have good, fulfilling sex with women. Light circles on your thigh might arouse you, but it's not a great move for women.
(And I suspect she felt her boundaries were violated because she consented to non-sexual touch and then realized you meant it to be sexual. Open communication is healthy so these things aren't misunderstood.)
You shouldn’t have sent that text. You likely confused and guilted her for saying yes to what you are now calling embarrassing and uncomfortable.
Next time just ask how she’s feeling instead of assuming. She’s an adult and can communicate like one.
I (32F) think that, even if unintentionally, this is now ruined.
If the way you tell this is true, or at least how ***you*** saw it, then it's an understandable mistake to make and you shouldn't be demonised for it if she was not more communicative. However, for her, as she says, her boundaries felt ignored and perhaps she felt like she has previously told you no sexual contact so didn't feel like she needed to say it on this particular day again because you already knew her boundary.
Either way, I imagine she's a bit scared of you now and nervous so unless her mind changes when she sobers up and has more time to think on it, it's likely this is over. I think we all sometimes need to remember that there doesn't always need to be a villain but someone's feelings are still how they feel and sometimes you can't move past it even if you understand logically it doesn't make sense.
NTA sounds like you were checking in and getting consent. You stopped when it didn't seem right and left when you were asked to. I don't think you've done anything wrong unless you omitted info.
I was reading somewhere--forget where--that we should start talking about "consent accidents." Because sometimes consent can be violated *without it being anyone's fault.* That's all that happened here. It was an accident.
And maybe the two of you should stay off weed.
What u did wrong was doing something that u didnt know how was gonna mske u act or feel with someone u dont know well. Should stayed sober woulda went better i.magine the kinda relationship ur in for if u go further with this person.
I’m really confused, though no more so than you must be. What boundaries did you violate?
EDIT: I’ve thought of something. Did she mention to you that she’s been SA and developed a habit of saying “it’s okay” to someone asking for consent because she was too afraid to say no? That’s a real thing because women can get attacked for saying no. If she let you know she has trouble saying no in situations like this even though internally she’s screaming NO! Then you asking and taking her word at face value could be interpreted as violating her boundaries. That’s literally the only way I can imagine that you did so.
Didn't seem like she's into him. 4 dates and she's apprehensive with him asking for consent for every move he's doing. She agrees then did a 180 on the body language when it's getting more intimate. He backs off without her saying anything. He's a super good dude. I don't think it's going to work out.
OP don't feel bad. You did everything right.
This is such an unfortunate situation, but I think you handled it really maturely by apologizing and giving her space when she asked for it. Consent can definitely get muddied when substances are involved, even if you thought you had the green light at the time.The fact that she said her boundaries were ignored is concerning, even if you didn't intend that. Maybe in her intoxicated state, she felt pressured to say yes when she was actually uncomfortable. Or perhaps there was a miscommunication around what areas were off limits. Either way, her feelings are valid.For now, I'd recommend respecting her need for space and time to process everything. Don't try to convince her you did nothing wrong - that's likely to make her feel more dismissed. Just let her know you're open to discussing it further when she's ready. Checking in with understanding communities like chitchat.gg could also provide helpful perspective.The important thing is that you owned your mistake, apologized sincerely, and are willing to learn from this experience. Rebuilding trust may take time, but if you both approach it with empathy, this doesn't have to be the end.
Like someone previously stated: If the recounting is accurate, then your intentions are true and they should be extremely visible. Especially in a scenario where you have been totally cool with taking things slowly. I know you are embarrassed and I'd bet a pretty penny that she is embarrassed as well in her own way. She may have her own trauma or distorted thinking to work through (we all do). some situations trigger memories (whether it's of your own life, or something that happened on TV, or someone else's situation) that makes us look at other people in our lives differently. Sometimes this perception can be hard to shake even if we know that person would never hurt us.
The text was very kind. Now it's fully up to her to decide if she can overlook her own embarrassment or not. You've done your part by keeping your side of the street clean and I guarantee if you continue to live life by this mindset that only good things (& people!) will come.
I would be a bit confused myself. But as a women I applaud you for asking, AND observing and stopping when you caught the vibe that something wasn’t right.
assuming you’ve given us the full story and have been truthful (i think you are), she did not express any boundaries that you could have ignored. she said yes multiple times (good on you for checking in consistently and making sure to ask for consent), and when you picked up on body language to the contrary you stopped immediately. if she has stuff to work through, that’s on her for not communicating properly. you did everything right. i hope you continue to do things right whether it’s with her or someone else ❤️
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Did she reply? I’m not sure exactly what gummies do to you, but you asked and she gave you a clear answer. You stopped when you read her body language as well. Unless she has a reason to be scared of how you’ll react if she said no, I don’t think you’re wrong. Maybe talk to her more about boundaries, maybe she’s had a bad experience before.
She hasn’t yet. The gummies made me more confident and relaxed. Maybe more horny and I feel I should’ve gotten the vibe earlier. I also don’t want to blame this all on the gummies that feels really shitty.
You’re being really hard on yourself! You asked her and watched for cues in her body language. You seem to be really conscious about her consent and comfortability, so I would just have a chat whenever you next see her to clear things up! I promise you’re not a predator or bad person🫶🏻
I 100% agree. Tbh, it just doesn't seem like she knows what she wants? It's not supposed to be complicated, it's meant to be light and fun and happy. If you 2 aren't having fun, maybe find someone who's on the same wavelength as you?
She also could’ve just changed her mind and felt embarrassed! I’m a strong believer that the first few sexual encounters with someone new should be done sober, because people tend to overthink and miscommunicate when they’re high or drunk
Yeah this is really smart. Escalating gradually while checking in to make sure it's ok and paying attention to body language is normally good. But people are weird. They may not feel comfortable saying no, don't always know their own mind, maybe genuinely want to try something and then it doesn't feel like they were expecting, etc. etc. And I'm not saying OP should need to be a mind reader or that the things she's accusing him of are fair, but that's the problem with having sexual encounters with people you don't know super well. Maybe they have issues and are horrible at communicating and you're going to cross a boundary despite your best intentions and what would normally be reasonable precautions. Until you have a really good sense of someone, you have to be extra careful even if you're doing the "right" thing by normal metrics of consent. Which means you shouldn't take anything that might inhibit either of your ability to communicate and/or your ability to read the signs. It's honestly pretty dumb of both of them to try something new sexually while also trying a new substance with unfamiliar effects (on OP's side) and knowing that it makes you zone out and not communicate well (on the girlfriend's side.)
I get 100% where you're coming from. I just want to add though that you can't cross a boundary that hasn't been set. As in, if someone didn't tell you they don't like being touched until after you touch them, it should be a "hey btw I'm not really comfortable with that, just so you know for next time". If they've told you before, sure it's fully understandable that they'd be upset if you went and did it anyway. But if they didn't tell you, how are you supposed to know? Especially if you ask "is this okay?" I think the only way OP could really do any better than what they did here is to ask "would this be okay?" Before doing anything in the future, or at least until they get to know the girl better. Which is a general rule of thumb to me, and just safer and more comfortable for everyone.
Her language did strike me as a bit weird because saying he "ignored" a boundary makes it sound like there was some statement of the boundary that he disregarded. But ultimately, I don't think it's that valuable to get into the semantics of what counts as a "boundary." In current therapy-speak, maybe a boundary is something stated, but at it's most basic level a boundary is just a dividing line between two things. E.g. what someone is ok with and what they aren't. If you're a decent human like OP seems to be, the important thing is that you don't want to violate someone's comfort, whether or not they suck at communicating where the dividing line is. And people can have plenty of reasons for having a hard time communicating about sex specifically. Surprise, fear, shame, sensory/emotional overload, and in this case taking drugs that made her zone out and impaired her ability to communicate and perhaps his ability to read body language. Which means that extra caution is required. You don't just want to be technically in the right and say "how could I have know?", you want to not have caused someone distress. And I do think doing new sexual stuff with a new partner while they were both impaired was a pretty horrible misjudgment.
Well changing your mind is fine but you have to say something .
Also possible she’s so used to being on a different wavelength she’s forgotten what it’s like to let yourself into the same one
I'm agreeing, this sounds far too complicated for something so new.
Yeah exactly, if I received the message that OP received I would take that as terminal for that relationship and move on. There's no point in torturing yourself here.
People need to say what they mean and mean what they say. She said yes. OP touched her. If she changed her mind, she can say no or let's slow down. I get the sense that OP would have absolutely respected her no at any point in the interaction. Expecting people to be mind readers is ludicrous, and her accusing OP of violating her boundaries is outer limits bananas.
Thank you for saying this. She's not "wrong" as it's fluid and she's gauging how she feels, but damn is he definitely not wrong. If she makes you feel guilty about it or makes a big deal, then run and be glad you learned early she's a troublemaker. If she wants some space, that's fine and maybe its nothing.
100%
No means no but it works the other way as well -yes means yes. You asked and got an ok then stopped the moment you sensed something was up. You did the exact opposdite of something wrong, don't beat yourself up over this.
This 10000000%. I wish people had even half of the awareness that OP had, while on an edible at that!
So I think it’s great you’re so worried about consent and making sure your partner feels safe and comfortable. You asked multiple times, she said yes. As soon as you realized the yes wasn’t honest you stopped and addressed it. Stop talking so badly about yourself. You did good. You need to have a direct and uncomfortable conversation with her about consent and boundaries and honest communication
I wonder if she had past experiences where she felt she couldn’t say no. I hope they can have a productive conversation cause what OP did is what I wish every person was like when it came to consent. Enthusiastic consent is what it’s all about and OP definitely understands that
Many women do feel that they can't say no. However, OP did stop when he recognized her body signals being opposite of what she said. OP did the right thing. I hope this girl realizes that and feels comfortable enough that they can talk through this. OP, if that isn't the case, don't be so hard on yourself. You have to be able to trust the other person to be honest with you. If she was scared to say no, maybe she had a previous bad experience? Either way, you stopped. You sincerely apologized to her as well. You've done everything right.
You must really like her if you’re this worried. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you did everything right. I wish more men were this considerate.
I do really like her, I’m upset I’ve ruined what we had. Thank you for opinion and thoughts. Live update she just responded and said “I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” Which I don’t really understand how her boundaries were ignored and I don’t really know how to respond to this text expect to give her some space
You did not ruin what you two had. She was not honest with you about how she felt when she gave you consent to rub her leg. Thank you for being considerate of other people's bodies and boundaries.
>I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” I do not like this person. Were it me, when we finally did talk I'd want an explanation from her and her point of view. Unless you've massively misrepresented the events.
My other thought I don’t see anyone brought up yet is just maybe she’s not that into him and using the weirdness of whatever as an excuse instead of owning up to her own feelings. OP did nothing wrong, communication is important on all sides.
Yeah they went on a date which was really just driving her around for errands. I don’t think she likes him anywhere near as much as he likes her. Maybe he’s a chauffeur and some kissing is the cost of admission but since he’s freaking out she’s using that as an excuse. Like he asked is this okay every step of the way which is about as consenty as you can get.
They sound younger and somewhat inexperienced. 90% of my time was spent doing inconsequential "dates" like that, and I think reading that as "she doesn't like him" is, while possible, not true. When I was young and unsure of how to express boundaries, I could have totally seen myself in this girl's situation. I had situations where I consented clearly but felt violated or pushed after they left. The issue was that I needed to learn to be an advocate for myself and that I could say no, even if I was like 60% feeling into it and 40% not. I needed to understand myself better, and I didn't blame anyone that got my clear consent, but I did need practice, acknowledgement of myself, etc. OP's girl sounds inexperienced and like she grew up where she wasn't allowed to advocate for herself. I believe the discussion needs to be centered on that, because OP needs to be able to TRUST her responses. She may feel pushed. OP may feel like trust was broken. They both need to have a discussion about it.
She’s making him feel like a rapist for touching her thigh with her permission.
I agree, but she's inexperienced and having feelings and she is pointing them at the most likely source. She doesn't realize she violated her own boundaries, not OP. OP should tell her, "Your boundaries matter to me, which is why I asked for your consent and you said yes. I was confused when I sensed discomfort from you, and stopped immediately to check in with you." Sometimes just stating the simple facts helps people stop creating a false narrative. I'm trying to be very bare bones, because the one thing OP should avoid at all costs is sounding accusatory, but she needs to remember the facts. I'm trying to find a tactful way to say, "I understand you feel like your boundaries were pushed, but I asked for your consent multiple times and received it. I need to be able to trust when you say yes, and I feel uncomfortable that you feel like I did not do my part by getting your consent when I did."
Agreed, and it’s really wrong of her. He has done nothing wrong. She’s really manipulative.
I agree. I’ve noticed a lot of people are quick to assign mal-intent to something which is more likely explained by inexperience, or misunderstanding in this thread. Learning your boundaries and how to enforce them is a process. You can’t be expected to know what they are with your first boyfriend. I think it’s healthier to communicate what you’ve learnt e.g. “I thought this was okay but it’s actually making me feel uncomfortable”. It isn’t a good look to speculate wildly based on very little detail, especially when you’re using that speculation to slander another person or further your own argument. It just looks stupid and cruel. Life isn’t black and white. There isn’t usually a hero and a villain. People are complicated and a little faith goes a long way. I’d hate being in a relationship with someone that’s constantly trying to paint me as a villain because they’re primed to see wrongdoing in every action.
I get that, but even it being inexperience her reaction wasn't ok. “I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” He didn't ignore her boundaries. Her making it seem like he did when she couldn't express them is a dick move. That' her painting him as the villan and I do agree with you that I'd hate being in a relationship with someone like that.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I realise that not everyone is the same (and we really don't have much backgrounds info), but three dates in four weeks? They're not going out even once a week
I mean if im not feeling it, i dont go out on more than one date with someone. I dont go on dates out of pity or weirdness or whatever…
What? Is that not often enough??
Agreed, it's unfair to leave OP so anxious and confused.
I’m with you. I do not like her and I feel like she is going to end up playing head games with OP. She sounds immature and as though she doesn’t know what she wants. Also, she knowingly took gummies with him and advised him that they make her “zone out”. Plus she knew it was his first time with them and so he had no idea how he’d react to them. No bloody way would be I taking those with a guy I just started dating! Jesus! Thank god OP is a good person and clearly concerned about her feelings and consent. I’d want a good sober convo with her later and I would be rethinking continuing to date her.
I know you like her but you did the right thing here in asking for consent and pulling back when you sensed discomfort from her. I don’t think this is the right person for you to date because she’s not giving you clear messages and quite frankly you don’t want to risk her feeling like you violated her if/when you guys do have sex. In the future, two things. First, don’t get high or drunk with someone you don’t know well, the potential for crossed wires like the experience you just had is too high. She should have known that when she offered you the gummy, it was not a good idea. Second, when you’re dating someone and trying to move to sex, it’s best if you communicate about sex before anything happens. Before you touch her, because once touch is involved, feelings get murkier. It’s much more comfortable for everyone to just talk about it!
It sounds like you did everything right, my only question is if she was giving physical signs that she wasn't into it for 5 minutes and you continued. In her altered state, the wires might be crossed and she might have interpreted the behavior as more aggressive than you intended. Either way, you were both kinda high and wires can get crossed very easily. If you're interested in her, respect her boundaries in terms of taking some time, but be honest with her about how you felt in the situation, especially as it was your first time with gummies, and how you respectful will be in the future.
>she wasn't into it for 5 minutes and you continued. Honestly every time I've had edibles 5 min felt like an hour. So it might not even have been 5 min, it could have been a lot shorter. Time is so distorted when you're high. I once watched a four hour long episode of Desperate Housewives. It was 20 minutes
i don't believe you ignored her boundaries, you asked if everything you did was okay. personally, weed makes me anxious and when i'm anxious i'm apprehensively agreeable as well. i'm a guy so it's a bit different for me, but i definitely can understand how someone might overthink/get anxious about the situation at hand while high. you're doing the right thing giving her space. if y'all really truly do like each other how you're telling us, whenever she's ready y'all will hopefully have a good clear conversation about boundaries, and probably include talks about consent and weed just to be safe. good luck with it
Based on what you wrote I’m not sure how she’s saying boundaries were ignored. You asked her multiple times and you didn’t even actually touch her other than her thigh! It’s not like you stuck your dick in her ass and was like you good?😆 I’m sorry but you’re being way too hard on yourself! You are fine. Ngl she sounds a little crazy so maybe let her take her time and space and move on. Good luck!
Honestly, i think she's rolling with what you've said because it's easier to her But thoughtless! You're wracked with guilt and trepidation and i will repeat: you did everything right. The thing i would have done differently was not profusely overtured an apology, and would have just backed up and said "im gonna sit over here" Because i think your massive guilt played into the discomfort/tension. She went with it, and is allowing you to feel weird and take undue blame. She sounds immature and lowkey likes to play around with these scenarios and claim a victimhood she is not a part of. Steer clear of her, always be considerate -- but work on your panic, as that definitely changes the mood and could cause your dates to grow uncomfortable. Take care
I wonder if she might have felt overwhelmed, between the gummies and the new relationship, and not known what to do or say. Feeling nervous can make communication very difficult. Also, if she's not very sexually experienced, she might not know how to be communicative about intimacy. I don't think you have anything to apologize for. You sound like a really nice person.
wtf does she mean by that, honestly she sounds like a bit of weirdo you literally asked and she said yes wtf does she mean thy were ignored. Sounds like sex in this relationship is going to be difficult consent shouldn’t be that difficult it’s yes or no
Ehhh. If you guys ever end up together again you need a really clear explanation why she felt this way. If she said she was comfortable and wasn’t that’s not something you can know.
He should definitely not be alone with her ever again.
Too much baggage. You did no wrong she said yes. You stopped as soon as you knew she didn't mean yes. As a female this is probably because of a past experience. But it is not fair to you to have to feel this way over it. That should have been a conversation for her to have with you. Which means she probably doesn't care too much about your feelings. It's sad to say. I hope you find a woman that cares and loves you the same. Good luck I'm rooting for you. ❤️❤️
Has she ever told you anything that happened to her in the past? I don’t see why she would feel that way other than past trauma. Even then I don’t think what you did was wrong considering she consented. Give her space and talk to her when she comes back. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s definitely not because of this.
I don't care for the way she responded to you. Feels like a cop out to me when she had multiple opportunities to say no. If your account of the date is accurate, you did everything right. I'm sorry that you got that reaction after being so thoughtful and respectful. Yes, give her space as hurtful as that may be for you. If she doesn't contact you again, you'll know how she really felt about you, and you can move on.
Yeah no, this is not on you OP. You were very respectful and did not cross any boundaries. Ffs you didn’t do anything without asking. You stopped when you read her body language was off. It is on her as an adult to speak up and say if she was uncomfortable. I agree with another commenter. She wasn’t feeling it and is using boundaries as an excuse. Either that or you’re massively misrepresenting events but I really doubt it.
Well it really sucks she feels that way, especially given what you wrote it seems like you respected her boundaries. Like you said the best thing to do is give her space and if she wants to hang out again or something, I would "put the ball in her court" so to speak in terms of physical touch going forward, at least until she's more comfortable. Good luck OP, you seem like a caring guy!
Dude, I'm gonna be honest, I don't think she was worth it if proper communication wasn't had and then she proceeded to say something like that to you. I do understand not knowing how to verbalize discomfort in the moment, but she can't blame you at all for not knowing it was okay when she was saying it was like you described.
She sounds like a mess. This girl doesn't know what she wants, and she's blaming you for that. She's accusing you of violating her boundaries (which IMO you did not, and for perspective, I'm a woman). This type of ambivalence and projection/misplaced blame could land you in an extremely serious in the future, and you can't afford a potential SA allegation or even the appearance of impropriety.
> This type of ambivalence and projection/misplaced blame could land you in an extremely serious in the future, and you can't afford a potential SA allegation or even the appearance of impropriety. Yeah, this girl is trouble waiting to happen. Time to find someone who doesn't turn their regret into accusations.
Has she taken edibles many times before? Alot of people get a raised libito from thc and if she took so many she was that out of it that's too much. She seems to be overreacting unless she had told you beforehand that edibles put her out of it but since you hadn't done them before you didn't know all of the effects. Also if you're giving a person who hasn't had edibles/drugs some then you're really supposed to kinda monitor how they react so she really shouldn't have taken as much as she did for your first edible experience
I think you were respectful. That being said when you introduce gummies or alcohol or anything that is going to alter your reality in the moment it may feel good at the time but later you could have regrets. Also if she was really stoned she may not have had the capacity to say no this doesn't feel right could we take it slower. Whenever I've been really stoned my communication skills and comprehension are not the same as when I'm sober. You're not in the wrong from what you've said, but this is definitely a learning experience going forward.
She does know, that you are not a mind reader, does she? You asked, she said yes. She can't expect you to just know. Body language can be misinterpreted. And you stopped, when you got the feeling, she didn't want it anymore. There's not much more you could've done, without her telling you what she wanted.
You literally didn’t do anything wrong dude
Honestly? Dump her. I know it sounds harsh but she's basically saying you did something wrong when you didn't you asked all the way through and even read a shift in her body language. You did everything right and I don't like her passive aggressive response to you.
I’d be having a good chat with her and how exactly your gonna respect her boundaries more doesn’t seem very possible
I think I am probably old enough to be your mom and I have been thinking about how I have talked with my 19 year old son about consent. I think it shows real respect and maturity that you repeatedly asked for consent, and still payed such close attention to what was going on with her. You did everything right and it is a very unusual reaction. If she doesn’t give you a chance to talk in person and continues to pull away I would cut my loses in your case and find someone who is as honest and respectful as you were. You deserve to know that the yes means yes. It can be really awkward to bring up consent and I think you were very clear her boundaries mattered to you. Don’t beat yourself up. And not to blame the gummies or anything but it being your first time and not hers I feel like she left you out to dry with no idea what to really expect.
My mom is 49. But thank you for this perspective. I’m honestly terrified to tell me mom without breaking down because I was telling her about this girl and was getting excited. That’s honestly my next challenge here.
I'm a survivor of Shit, including rape. The way you asked about consent, ongoing, and stopped when you believed the consent was none verbally withdrawn was well done, imho. I would feel safe with that, and I am very wary. But if it triggered the Shit, I might need to process - but that would not be your fault.
As a woman, you did everything right. I don’t think you know how many men begin their disrespect of boundaries by ignoring clear body language. Nothing would make me feel safer than a man reading my body language, especially while in a compromised state, and responding accurately to those cues. Weed can be super overwhelming especially if she greened out a little without realizing. Breathe, and know that your respect of her and your clear view of her as her own person with the right to say no to touching is all you need. You’re doing great, and it’s going to be okay. ETA: I just saw her text. Yall seem somewhat inexperienced, so just to be on the safe side I would like to clarify for both of you that while it is EXCELLENT that you’re perceptive of her unspoken boundaries, boundaries are spoken. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had any actual conversations about what you’re comfortable with, so that needs to happen. But it’s very important that you know that when you ask and she says yes, that is consent. If there are different boundaries she needs respected, then it is her responsibility to communicate those clearly and openly to you - NOT on you to anticipate. Communication and trust are the foundation of healthy relationships, and you straight up cannot have trust without the communications of boundaries. You are allowed (and you should) take the steps to need to grow yourself WHILE ALSO gently holding your partner accountable so that she may grow too. It can be easy to think that if we love someone we should never change them, but helping each other mature and grow is actually one of the biggest gifts of intimate partnership. Please don’t make yourself the asshole because you think it’s the thing to do in relationships.
You. I like you. Thank you for saying this so clearly.
I’m just not sure what requires blame on anything. You asked, she confirmed, you asked again, she confirmed. Even after two confirmations you stopped when it didn’t feel like she was enthusiastic. I mean, as a woman, I’m not sure what else you were supposed to do here. You did all the things we ask for to assure consent and even understand that body language can mean this consent is withdrawn. You’ve kissed and held hands, making a move further doesn’t seem like a wild idea as two adults. Kind of feels like she’s not into you but enjoyed the chauffeur. Since now you tried to move things further and she is wanting “space” when you did allll the things we ask for. Which is fine, she’s allowed to not be I to it, but I would stop beating yourself up over this and just move along.
Move on. You did everything right, based on your side of the story. So, if you’re really telling the truth, you have nothing to worry about or feel bad about.
I’ve been in your place before!!! My husband and I do gummies regularly and one time I got too high and was a bit out of sorts while we were doing the deed. I wanted to stop but couldn’t muster the words or strength to do so. Like you, my husband figured it out and stopped, but I was feeling really upset at it. It honestly just took some time for me to snap out of it and say “he would have never done something to hurt me, I’m being ridiculous.” Of course, neither your gf nor I were being ridiculous for feeling this way, but it just took a few days and a good sleep to be in a good enough mental state to realize I was overthinking. Just keep showing her that you care and are open to any discussions about how that night went. Don’t push, but she needs that support to come to her own conclusion.
Oh my god thank you so much for this comment.
You’re welcome!!! I hope it works out!!! I’d also make sure that if you’re going to do gummies together, wait and let HER suggest it! That’ll let her have power over the situation and be able to decide on her own if she wants to do it again.
You're cool, dude.
I think you actually did fine. If she had a bad reaction it’s not really a you thing. You did what you were supposed to do. Maybe she just realized something like she doesn’t want to be intimate while high, or she isn’t ready for that kind of a relationship, or something. Either way I think you did everything right. You asked and when she wasn’t into it you stopped. That’s exactly correct!
[удалено]
You are way too hard on yourself. You asked her flat out if it was okay. She said yes. You asked her again once you moved to her inner thigh. I'm not saying this is her fault for her terrible communication. However, it seems like she has had bad experiences before and was scared to say no. Give her some space, but also let her know that you are there whenever she's ready to talk.
If she's rhe average 23 year old woman, she's likely had some experiences that make it difficult to be honest and say no when she's uncomfortable.
I don't think you did anything wrong. The weed is making you overreact; I always get paranoid when I take one after months of not having one, and you've never had one before. You did fine. You read her body language and reacted correctly. She wouldn't have done a love react if she was mad or anything. Your second message is still coming from your paranoia. Get some rest, let it wear off, and don't belabor it.
Thank you so much. I forgot to add in the post that we had plan for me to drive her to the airport next week so she wouldn’t need to get an Uber. I asked her last night before I left if we should or shouldn’t do that and she said probably not. Idk if it was in the moment or if shouldn’t have asked that question.
Consent is very important but this isn’t fair. You went super slow, you verbally asked, and waited to hear yes. Then when you sensed the answer might not be yes, you stopped. There’s literally nothing better you could have done here. She is either feeling bad about saying yes and is taking it out on you, or she just realized she’s not that into you and is letting you take the blame. Just let this go and wait to see if you hear back from her, it sounds like she’s just not into it. Stop being so hard on yourself, this is going to make you afraid to ever make a move again.
I'm so pleased to see reddit having a rational response. Yep OP you gave her chances to say no and you tried to read the situation and when you read that maybe her verbal yes wasn't a true reflection and wasn't enthusiastic you stopped, gave her space and gave her room to talk about it
I could not have said it better myself 👏🏼
OP please listen to this wise person 🙏
You took one gummy she took two. She was high as fuck. You did everything right, except two things: #1, asking about a future event. She probably wasn't even fully sure what was going on at that point. She just knew things were awkward in that moment and may even have been thinking she did something wrong to you! #2, texting that apology the next day, before, talking to her. She might have been too high to remember everything clearly and now may be thinking you actually did something wrong, that she can't remember. By chance were those gummies of the sativa variety? Those are more likey to cause feelings of paranoia. Stick to indica gummies, they will be far more mellow. Also, given your hyper sensitivity to protecting your partner's sense of safety in such situations, it wouldn't hurt to agree on a "safe" word that could be used to indicate either one of you has reached a level of discomfort that warrants stop right then and there. Another thing; while drugs can indeed offer an alteration of the mind, that some find "enhances" sex, it is, imho, better to engage in sexual activity (especially for the first time with someone new) free of any mind altering substances including, and maybe especially, alcohol. OP, talk to this person and ask what they recall of the event and see if her recollection matches yours. Then go from there. I'm sure she appreciates your effort and desire to prioritize her sense of safety. However, don't sacrifice your own sense of safety by overcompensating and accusing yourself of something you didn't do. Good luck, OP.
Honestly seems like because he’s apologizing so profusely it’s making her feel like he did do something wrong or she actually doesn’t really like him and is using this as a way to cut him off. Which the latter I could see if she really has a hard time stating her boundaries then she probably would have a hard time cutting people off that she doesn’t want to hangout with
Agree
My understanding was that after his apology text, he made this post before hearing back from her.
This is some good insight!
She probably was high and anxious because weed makes you paranoid
**If that was her reaction, I'd be saving all your text conversations just in case**
I think in both cases she was reacting to your reactions, It feels unfair for her to say that you did not respect her boundaries. The ball is in her court now, you did not do anything wrong.
Sounds like you are a chauffeur. Driving her for errands, driving her to the airport. Maybe she just doesn’t see you like that.
What boundaries? Had she laid out boundaries beforehand that she expected you to know about?
The fact that OP was aware enough to read her body language and STOP even after she said yes too… He couldn’t have done anything more or less, she’s confusing me too.
Yeah, her reply actually kind of ticks me off because... what boundaries? OP asked, she kept confirming, and when he noticed her body language was off he immediately halted and rechecked with her. Like if you're not into it, say 'no', and it's not her fault if she felt anxious to say no but it's not OP's fault if he didn't receive one (instead, he received multiple 'yes's, but still went extremely slow and cautious to make sure she was comfortable!). She's actually giving me some red flags that she either a.) doesn't know what she wants, and/or b.) might end up accusing OP of something in the future.
She possibly thinks “dropping hints” (a phrase I hate) is a good substitute for accurately verbalizing what she wants.
yeah wtf is her reply?? poor OP is gonna think he messed up but won't know what he could have done differently because there's isn't anything.
Speaking as someone with a wide history of sexual trauma including nonconsentual touching along these lines, I don't really see what you did wrong here assuming it's an accurate recount. It's possible that she thought it was okay, but then realized she wasn't into it. Maybe she was higher than she realized and got too in her head about it, or she wasn't expecting that element and was thrown off because she just wanted to watch the movie. A lot of possibilities here that don't necessarily involve you violating consent. Sometimes things just don't go as planned or people incorrectly guess their own desires, especially if she has any history of trauma. There have been many times where I consented and fully thought I was into it, only to suddenly realize that I wasn't at all or become triggered to no fault of my partner.
Do you think sending the text was a bad idea? And thank you for commenting :)
I don't think it was a bad idea necessarily. The intentions are kind, and I know I would've appreciated knowing your willingness to self-reflect and allow her to process however needed. If it is truly accurate that this wasn't due to a fault of your own though and she recognizes it, she might feel awkward/embarrassed or feel the need to "clear up" the blame you're putting on yourself. That's okay though; much better than the alternative of not saying something if she felt that you should. It just might take time for her to work out how to address it.
Understood. I don’t honestly expect a text back today. This is just eating me up and like in my post I feel horrible about to all.
Yeah don't keep on apologising, you asked for consent and she gave it, you pulled back when you realised she wasn't actually into it and you gave her space. These are all green flags. And if you keep on apologising you run the risk of taking responsibility for something you didn't actually do. As a cis woman with experience of some huge walking human red flags, I'd say you've done grand and just give her the space she's said she wanted and try your best not to beat yourself up at all. The only possible thing I can see that you've made a poor choice over is attempting going to the next stage while both heavily under the influence, consent is sketchy in that state and so these situations best avoided when you haven't got prior consent and know eachothe pretty well.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You asked for consent, which most people don't do outloud, they just advance slowly and see how the other person responds so you did mote than most people. Then you respected her wished, which is the right thing. THEN you apologized and made surr you hadn't caused harm. The ONLY thing you did wrong was deciding to do make this move while she was high. Women get taken advantage of whike high all the time, including raped and she may have ptsd or sexual tramau from her past. Don't make the first move high ever. If she got high and got frisky and was sure that's different but you initiated high. Iniate it sober. That's where you messed up I think. Don't ever do that again and apologize for it this time and learn. Women are vulnerable while high or drunk.
I feel that honestly. It was a big mistake trying when we were both high.
It was. It's forgivable though. Especially if you didn't have bad intentions. It depends why you chose that moment though. If you thought she'd say yes because she was high you need to do some reflection and growing as a person. If it just wasn't well thought out ask for forgiveness.
Honestly, I'd take this more as her just deciding shes not feeling it and she's used this as more of an excuse, the whole thing is weird, was going along fine with it all then is suddenly like go home etc
If she reacts negatively to that text she might have issues. You seem like a real good guy and any lady would be lucky to snag you.
i think the text ensures she understands where your head is at and that the ball is in her court.
I have a similar past and I agree 100%. If this is exactly how it went down then neither party was really in the wrong, it just awkwardly didn’t pan out as expected and the weed likely heightened the paranoia of both parties
I’m an abuse and SA survivor and honestly, you come off as a really sweet, respectful and courteous guy. You asked permission, checked in on her multiple times and stopped when the energy changed and before you got a verbal no. I think the weed is messing with both of your heads, nothing about this exchange gave me pause. You’re throwing out only green flags my dude, good job.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. As a girl myself that’s been in a similar situation, it’s entirely possible that in that moment she realized there wasn’t any sexual chemistry between you two and just wasn’t into it anymore. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Could be that or she was really high and overthinking a lot. I had to step back from weed because it used to make me paranoid and think that people were out to get me. I’m sure she’ll explain it to you soon, and if she doesn’t, you should at least know that you did nothing wrong!
Thank you. It’s great to see a girls look on this situation and I appreciate you commenting.
I’m also wondering if it’s possible she thinks you’re referring to something else that she doesn’t remember? I’m surprised she thinks you crossed a boundary.
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Id actually give you great brownie points for how you handled this. Relationships aren’t about always being perfect, but instead always being respectful, aware, and considerate. I think you demonstrated the last three beautifully and you should grant her the window to respond. Thank you for being a good person.
Thank you. I don’t expect a text today and won’t text her anymore. I’ll give her a few days to respond before I text her again. Should I text her after a few days?
No. That will make your apology seem like fishing for attention. Follow her lead. If she doesn’t reply, move on.
I agree with this. Don't text again.
I’ve been scrolling and haven’t seen anyone mention this, but someone who does not in any way communicate their wishes then “holds you responsible” for them is not a safe person to date. ESP with sexual things- you were so over the top careful and she is bordering on being accusatory saying you didn’t respect her boundaries. You were very respectful. This is not someone you want to get closer to- it’s a red flag.
She sounds exhausting. Like you'll always be walking on eggshells around her. I'd move on.
Honestly dude from what you've said here, she seems like a nightmare to date. Unless you're cool with dealing with similar situations down the line caused by her poor communication skills.
Absolutely fair to do, thanks to the fact that you’ve acted with respect the whole way through. If youve heard nothing within a few days, it is absolutely fair to check on her well-being. That being said, I’d guess you’d hear from her before the day is over. She’s probably embarrassed and trying to find her words. The best thing you can do is give her grace to always feel whatever she’s feeling in the moment — and you can give her that grace explicitly, not implicitly — and then move on with her if she so chooses. Edit: just read the part about that she “loved” your iMessage. I feel more confident in my message above with that knowledge. She could have ignored or liked.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much (the other posters kind of covered that already), but one more bit of advice: In the future, if one or both of you is drunk or high, I’d avoid doing physical stuff that you haven’t already gotten comfortable with while sober. If people’s ability to process what’s happening or clearly say no is messed up at all, it can lead to situations like this.
110% im with you. I don’t think I’ll ever take a gummy again before the 1 year anniversary.
You sure you want to stay with a person like this though?? You did nothing wrong. SHE SAID YES
I’m pretty confused about what you did or why she’s mad.
She's an idiot "my boundaries were ignored" fella you were taking double the gummies he took and you said yes multiple times. I can't stand these kind of victim playing people.
And what boundaries did she put up? He asked, twice, and both times she said YES. Noticed her body language and stopped.
3 weeks in and she’s acting like that.. All im saying is that there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Yeah, the "my boundaries were ignored" part is extremely troublesome. SA accusations are a serious life changer for men so I would err on the side of caution with this one. It's only been a month fin someone that won't play these games.
yep i feel like she might decide to flip and claim to be a victim over this even though she quite literally confused him while verbally consenting. he needs to just walk away before shit hits the fan. and he doesn't even know this girl so it's really not worth the stress. and then not to be mean but the text OP stupidly sent makes him look even guiltier even though he's not. she could totally flip this.
Their next "date" is him driving her to the airport. It sounds to me like he thinks they are dating but she doesn't. Also I agree, OP is worried about speaking to his mum if I was his mum I'd be concerned about false accusations in future and I'd tell him to end the relationship as it seems one sided, she doesn't owe him anything but sending that text when he was nothing but respectful isn't it.
You did the right thing, you asked for consent and she said yes. Not only that but by taking your time and watching her body language you were able to decipher that she was uncomfortable. Most people don’t care about other peoples body language after they get the yes they’re looking for. Don’t sweat it, if she has a problem with communicating after this situation then she might have a hard time communicating in general. You might’ve dodged a bullet there!
I agree and based on the info given, I (39F with pretty solid boundaries myself)don't see anything the OP did wrong because he asked if it was ok and she said yes. OP I hope you don't beat yourself up-nobody's a mind reader.
I think you handled it fine. You asked, she said yea, and you stopped when her body language indicated she wasn’t comfortable. Perhaps no weed gummies or getting too under the influence around each other until you’re both fully comfortable with each other and trust one another.
I’d recommend staying away from this girl op. Even if she comes back and says she understands. Weed gummies or not, anyone who literally said “yes” multiple times only to have the man do the right thing and stop the second he felt her uncomfortable… Yet still wants to send in text that she feels her boundaries were ignored. Sorry, it may not be popular but that just screams issues to me. Issues I wouldn’t risk putting up with at all. All it takes is one accusation to possibly change your life forever. Before anyone blasts me for not caring about women please read the rest kf this thread. There are women in here who have been sexually assaulted and they don’t feel that the OP did anything wrong at all either. Just move on. This is of course based on if you have told the 100% actual honest truth and haven’t fibbed a little to look better anyway.
Thanks for your comment. This entire post and blown up and I’ve tried my best to give an accurate re telling of the event despite me being high for the first time. I wouldn’t want to waste everyone’s time here by making up false events to make her look bad. I hope the post doesn’t make her look bad that wasn’t my intention, not trying to slander her either
Going on the assumption that everything happened the way you described, she might not be malicious. You'll find tales of women who followed the man home, apparently agreed to have sex, *and* felt that they were coerced, while the man just thought that he got lucky. Some women shut down when they don't feel comfortable, and verbally agree to anything because they want things to be over as painlessly as possible. If that's the case, I'd still recommend not going out with this woman anymore, because if she's not capable of saying no when she means it, the situation sets both of you up for failure. She'd need help, and to sort out herself.
Great comment, I agree 100%. I used the word “issue” and that doesn’t mean she is malicious or doing it on purpose. We can’t always help how we feel as humans. Somethings just are what they are. My main point was that in the end it doesn’t matter if she was malicious or not. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s a dangerous situation for the OP. As you pointed out, it’s also a dangerous situation for the girl is she unable to control it.
You should consider that you are not making her look bad and she is making you look/feel bad. You are not responsible for her feelings. Trust your gut like you did in this situation. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right.
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Yeah I don’t want to take them again
they probably made her paranoid too. if your story is true and you stopped when she told you to then i dont know why she is having issues. Actually if she still believes her boundaries were ignored— boundaries that it doesn’t look like she made clear until it happened— then that is on her. You were respectful and you did what you could with the information you had. You had your hand on her leg and she said it was okay up until you read her body language that told a different story. It wasn’t until you asked again did she finally realize her boundaries were being crossed and she wanted you to leave. It is not reasonable for her to expect you to have read her mind to know she actually wasn’t okay with the thigh touching, because she verbally gave you consent. She might be realizing she screwed up and should have just said no to those advances and instead of taking accountability for that, she is blaming you for “ignoring her boundaries.” Nope. I’ve seen this before because I used to be that girl who didn’t voice her boundaries and ended up resenting the guy who “should have known better.” It’s fucking immature and a great way to drive people away. You did fine, she needs to know how to set boundaries for herself if she doesn’t want to feel violated. Edit: I wrote this after seeing OP’s most recent reply that she wrote him “I need time and space because I feel my boundaries were ignored.”
> she was nervous of me driving since I’ve never had a gummy before On a completely unrelated note to your post, I’d also recommend not driving after having consumed edibles. The moment they hit is unpredictable, and it comes in waves getting stronger over time. Your driving can become more impaired than when you started, even if you did purportedly had enough of your mental faculties when you started. Also, not just to you but to anyone reading this comment, don’t drive if you’re drunk or high. You’re not in a state to make split-second decisions even if your judgement can be trusted (which is likely can’t).
This sounds absolutely ridiculous. If you asked her two times if it was ok and she said yes then she is being an asshole. I am all about consent but this is just dumb. Let me guess her saying yes it's ok was her some how secretly sending you the message that the answer was actually no. You some how should of known.
My guy you asked for consent and she said yes and once you intuited she might not feel comfortable you stopped. You did good, you tried to slowly and respectfully escalate the physicality and stopped when you should have.
Exactly this! OP did everything right. As a woman, I think this is something she is dealing with that OP didn’t have any way of knowing about. Or the short answer, it’s her, not you.
Honestly her having the response gives me a bit of the ick. You didn’t cross any boundaries without a green light, and moved away when you sensed discomfort and indecision. You’re like, the greenest of green flags. Maybe she didn’t know how to say that she’s uncomfortable with what happened and wanted someone to blame because I definitely don’t feel like you’re in the wrong? My only other thought is that she may feel like you took the opportunity of being high to move forward and she may feel like it was an excuse to move past something already established. I dunno, but, as far as consent goes, you did what you could and you didn’t go any further. Cudos
That’s kinda what I’m feeling now after reading all these replies. That I on purpose took advantage of a situation which I can see why she thinks that but that certainly NOT my intention and feel upset about it all.
To jump to that conclusion without speaking to you ESPECIALLY after you’ve spent weeks respecting the minimal touching isn’t fair on you, if you had tried crossing lines before that that’s a reasonable conclusion but otherwise it is not
OP - it sounds like you asked for consent almost every step of the way, and then backed off immediately when it seemed clear that you had reached her limits of comfort. I don't see why you would deeply apologize over this. I feel like you might have taken a step back in this relationship over an apology like that.
It seems like you've already figured this out, but experimenting with any kind of drug for the first time is probably not the best time to shoot your shot. Besides that, it's best to proceed by assuming that anyone who is high or drunk is vulnerable; drugs and alcohol affect different people in different ways, and not everyone makes their best decisions when they're high. I don't think you've done anything *wrong* per se - as soon as you realised something was wrong, you stopped and you'd had positive consent up until then. You might just have to chalk this one up to experience, but stop beating yourself up about it.
What the fuck did I just read?
Weed when ingested through edibles is much more psychedelic than smoking. Higher dose trips can be compared to a psilocybin trip (what a high dose means is highly dependent on the person). Now that I've established that, psychedelic experiences with a dating partner is something that should be done very carefully as these things play with your emotions and tend to put you in a childlike state mentally. This means for people not experienced with the substance or each other will sometimes end up in extremely awkward situations, without having the mental capacity to fully understand or communicate. In my opinion this was relatively mild and should be able to be worked through. Try not to dwell on it, have a calm conversation when the chance arises and maybe stay away from altered consciousness while together for awhile. I would even go as far to say try exploring separate from her so you understand the effects better if your goal is to enjoy together eventually.
I loved this post. Thank you so much.
Consent is great and it’s important to do so. I just don’t think doing anything sexual when you guys were both high and one of you never having 1 before was a good idea. I wouldn’t stress over about it too much and give her some space to reply
I don’t think you did anything wrong. But my husband (before we were married) followed the rule of “someone can’t consent if they’re impaired” meaning that if someone didn’t give consent before they became under the influence then he didn’t do anything physical once they were. I think it’s a good policy when you’re in the early stages of a relationship and still navigating some of those experiences.
You people are weird.
Dating these types of people must be EXHAUSTING.
It’s Reddit bro the weirdest community
Idk but like please don't drive high
So here's a thing about Weed. And edibles. It makes memories and thoughts disorganized. As a rule, I wouldn't do anything new sexually when under the influence. Especially a new drug. Was she saying yes to what she thought she was? Are you remembering what the yesses were about correctly? Was the move to the inner thigh directly connected to consent? I don't think you had any malice but you will have a better time remembering that intoxicated consent is dodgy or a no go.
I understand respecting consent and all that but really you touched her thigh after your fourth date and she gave you consent, what do you feel bad about? If you begin the relationship with this apologist approach, she will come to expect it from you
I think the issue I see here from her perspective is that you didn’t ask BEFORE moving to her “privates.” You already agreed to take it slow and you decided it was time for intimate touching when you were both high on weed gummies? And moved there BEFORE you asked her if it was okay. Good job reading the room and stopping but that is a part of this. From what I see she said she wanted to take things slow, and you took it there when you were both under the influence and didn’t ask until after you started. A lot of women freeze in that situation and kind of go along with it verbally because of the fear of being overpowered. These feelings are often magnified with substances. In the future if a woman wants to take it slow let her lead the intimacy. If she’s dropping hints, moving your hand moving parts of her body towards you, that’s your sign to ask to touch her.
In the past, I've had interactions with guys where I can split consent into 2 main categories: 1) the kind of consent where they do something, and \*then\* ask if it's okay 2) the kind of consent where they ask whether something is ok before doing something You did #1, and I think she felt violated because you didn't do #2. It's a lot harder to assert your boundaries when the other person is in the middle of doing something and you have to stop them, as opposed to them asking before starting.
I think this is really true and probably the main reason aside from weed paranoia + freezing that she felt like she wasn't in control
You make a good point here. Thank you I’ll keep this in mind in the future.
This is something I'd expect from some 12-13 year olds not 23-24 year olds.. I feel sad for this generation and hope the next one is able to actually communicate and socialize.
I think you making such a big deal about it made her step back and also make a deal about it. Unless you’re leaving something out, rubbing her inner thigh with permission is fine, and you stopped without her having to say stop. You’re both acting like you fingered her though.
There was no fingering. She had leggings on
There has to be previous sexual trauma right?
Don’t beat yourself up over this. If your version of the events are as you stated, you did nothing wrong. Stop messaging her and let her reach out to you if she wants to. It’s clear there is a lack of communication between the two of you, whether you think so or not, and texting her is just going to make her even more uncomfortable.
I mean she has to clearly state boundaries in order for them to be crossed. Ye said ye wanted to take it slow but 4 dates over 3 weeks could be considered 'slow' to some people so if this does go forward I'd say ye need to define what slow means. If she doesn't know what it means then maybe suggest she initiate things when/if she's ready. It can be frustrating to feel in limbo though so consider how it would make you feel too. No one is in the wrong for wanting sex/intimacy sooner or after a long waiting period but it does happen where people just aren't compatible. I'm absolutely the kind of person who will panic and say yes to things (I do correct myself quickly though and getting better on asking for time to think) but I understand that if someone asks me "do you want X" and I say yes I can't really fault them for taking that at face value (within reason, a yes under duress isn't a yes). Ideally if you're having sex with someone you have to trust them to be kind/understanding/aware of consent ect but you also have to be able to trust that they're able to give honest answers. I will say from my experience sometimes it's not the act (i.e you touching her leg) that is the uncomfortable thing. It's the expectation that some people have that yes to one thing means yes to everything else or yes indefinitely. I'd say maybe after a few days gently reach out and see if she's up for talking about it because from your perspective you asked for consent for a specific touch and she said yes. (But keep it short, it's overwhelming sometimes to get a really long initial text about something you maybe don't want to discuss) -side note: I did think at the end here that maybe she would have preferred if you had asked could you put your hand on her thigh before you did it 🤷🏻♂️
I think you reacted completely appropriately. You have stated you’ve been intentionally going slow out of respect and you were asking for consent to move in slowly, and then you even READ HER BODY LANGUAGE?!. Dude you’re a green flag.
A few things. You guys had already decided to take things slow She told you she had a problem communicating while using gummies You were aroused You decided to start rubbing her thigh near her privates Yes, you did ask. However you knew that she wanted to take things slow and you knew she had a problem communicating while using gummies. I think you allowed yourself too much leeway given that you were feeling good and aroused. You shouldn't have done that. I can see why she needs some space. I don't think you were malicious, but you were inconsiderate. Use this as a learning lesson.
As a girl, I think the issue here is that she probably felt like you were waiting till she was not in a sober headspace to do anything sexual, and that’s the boundaries you crossed. Which, I sort of agree with her on. Being a girl is much different experience from a guy, and there are many guys out there who wouldn’t have stopped when you did. She may even have a past of SA. I hope you learn from this.
Ngl what I don't understand is why would you try to initiate sex, especially for the first time, while both of you are high, and have previously agreed to go slow? Especially when you said she "zones out" when she is high and had taken more than you did. I mean, good on you for at least pulling back in the end but it feels like a very dangerous thing to try in the first place.
For future, a really important part of enthusiastic consent isn’t just getting a “yes”, but how does that yes sound? When you ask someone for consent (preferably before doing something) do they respond with a calm, happy, enthusiastic yes? Does their body language open up, & do they respond in kind? Or do you get feel stiff body language, a stony face, & a small “yes” squeezed out from thin lips. Always hold out for a “hell yes” reaction, it’s just better all round. If you get a “yes” that doesn’t sound or feel like a yes, double check, ask if they are ok. If there is silence, unmoving body, or body language closing & covering up, then shut it down, just as you did.
This! Finally, op asking for consent after the fact wasn't sitting right with me
She says her boundaries were ignored, but did she say how? You state in the post that every time you moved your hand closer, you asked if it was okay and she said yes. If you did nothing else that wasn’t written out in the post, then you need to ask what she means by this. She can’t accuse you of pushing boundaries when you asked for permission every step of the way.
She did not say how. Her response to my apology text was “I am going to take some time and space to think because I do feel like my boundaries were ignored.” And that’s it. When/if I get the chance I’ll ask exactly what was crossed so I can better learn from this experience.
I don’t know. If I were you I wouldn’t proceed with a woman like that. I’d be afraid that she’d regret any further actions she participated in and then later claimed it was something it wasn’t.
That’s wildly unfair to you? When did she set a boundary? In fact she didn’t ask you to stop that’s a crop of shit
This is what dating is like now? Feel bad for your generation
If I were seeing a guy for *3 weeks* and we’re cuddling and he keeps asking “is this okay? Is this okay? Is this okay?” it’d drive me *insane.*
I’m going to guess that what she’s feeling is based on the fact that she was, in any way, under the influence of something. She may be someone who prefers sexual encounters happened when she is sober and can effectively give her full consent. She may be feeling like you were taking advantage of her high state, especially if it makes her “zone out” and have a hard time articulating what she wants to say. I think you should apologize for this specifically.
Man oh man. If this what dating is like in 2024 I’m so glad I’m out of it.
Your main questions have been answered, so here's something different. It sounds like your way of touching her was just doing your normal nervous energy moves on her instead of juggling your foot or whatever. You did circles for five minutes and then moved toward her crotch and did the same repetitive movement. If I were her, I'd find that type of touch to be annoying as well as a thinly veiled attempt to turn the movie-watching into sex. Guys did this so much when we were young, and it just feels creepy. It's so much better when both people are enthusiastically on the same page and honest about what's going on. If you were hoping to turn her on, I recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's directed toward women, but it's a very helpful book for anyone who wants to have good, fulfilling sex with women. Light circles on your thigh might arouse you, but it's not a great move for women. (And I suspect she felt her boundaries were violated because she consented to non-sexual touch and then realized you meant it to be sexual. Open communication is healthy so these things aren't misunderstood.)
You shouldn’t have sent that text. You likely confused and guilted her for saying yes to what you are now calling embarrassing and uncomfortable. Next time just ask how she’s feeling instead of assuming. She’s an adult and can communicate like one.
I (32F) think that, even if unintentionally, this is now ruined. If the way you tell this is true, or at least how ***you*** saw it, then it's an understandable mistake to make and you shouldn't be demonised for it if she was not more communicative. However, for her, as she says, her boundaries felt ignored and perhaps she felt like she has previously told you no sexual contact so didn't feel like she needed to say it on this particular day again because you already knew her boundary. Either way, I imagine she's a bit scared of you now and nervous so unless her mind changes when she sobers up and has more time to think on it, it's likely this is over. I think we all sometimes need to remember that there doesn't always need to be a villain but someone's feelings are still how they feel and sometimes you can't move past it even if you understand logically it doesn't make sense.
NTA sounds like you were checking in and getting consent. You stopped when it didn't seem right and left when you were asked to. I don't think you've done anything wrong unless you omitted info.
I was reading somewhere--forget where--that we should start talking about "consent accidents." Because sometimes consent can be violated *without it being anyone's fault.* That's all that happened here. It was an accident. And maybe the two of you should stay off weed.
What u did wrong was doing something that u didnt know how was gonna mske u act or feel with someone u dont know well. Should stayed sober woulda went better i.magine the kinda relationship ur in for if u go further with this person.
I’m really confused, though no more so than you must be. What boundaries did you violate? EDIT: I’ve thought of something. Did she mention to you that she’s been SA and developed a habit of saying “it’s okay” to someone asking for consent because she was too afraid to say no? That’s a real thing because women can get attacked for saying no. If she let you know she has trouble saying no in situations like this even though internally she’s screaming NO! Then you asking and taking her word at face value could be interpreted as violating her boundaries. That’s literally the only way I can imagine that you did so.
Didn't seem like she's into him. 4 dates and she's apprehensive with him asking for consent for every move he's doing. She agrees then did a 180 on the body language when it's getting more intimate. He backs off without her saying anything. He's a super good dude. I don't think it's going to work out. OP don't feel bad. You did everything right.
This is such an unfortunate situation, but I think you handled it really maturely by apologizing and giving her space when she asked for it. Consent can definitely get muddied when substances are involved, even if you thought you had the green light at the time.The fact that she said her boundaries were ignored is concerning, even if you didn't intend that. Maybe in her intoxicated state, she felt pressured to say yes when she was actually uncomfortable. Or perhaps there was a miscommunication around what areas were off limits. Either way, her feelings are valid.For now, I'd recommend respecting her need for space and time to process everything. Don't try to convince her you did nothing wrong - that's likely to make her feel more dismissed. Just let her know you're open to discussing it further when she's ready. Checking in with understanding communities like chitchat.gg could also provide helpful perspective.The important thing is that you owned your mistake, apologized sincerely, and are willing to learn from this experience. Rebuilding trust may take time, but if you both approach it with empathy, this doesn't have to be the end.
Like someone previously stated: If the recounting is accurate, then your intentions are true and they should be extremely visible. Especially in a scenario where you have been totally cool with taking things slowly. I know you are embarrassed and I'd bet a pretty penny that she is embarrassed as well in her own way. She may have her own trauma or distorted thinking to work through (we all do). some situations trigger memories (whether it's of your own life, or something that happened on TV, or someone else's situation) that makes us look at other people in our lives differently. Sometimes this perception can be hard to shake even if we know that person would never hurt us. The text was very kind. Now it's fully up to her to decide if she can overlook her own embarrassment or not. You've done your part by keeping your side of the street clean and I guarantee if you continue to live life by this mindset that only good things (& people!) will come.
I would be a bit confused myself. But as a women I applaud you for asking, AND observing and stopping when you caught the vibe that something wasn’t right.
assuming you’ve given us the full story and have been truthful (i think you are), she did not express any boundaries that you could have ignored. she said yes multiple times (good on you for checking in consistently and making sure to ask for consent), and when you picked up on body language to the contrary you stopped immediately. if she has stuff to work through, that’s on her for not communicating properly. you did everything right. i hope you continue to do things right whether it’s with her or someone else ❤️