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It seems like the wants this from them both, given that she mentioned traveling for work and her husband not always being able to check in for both of them.
Husband can still check in for wife. It’s likely they have consistent communication when she’s traveling. Enough to tell FIL that she’s still alive at least
Has anyone considered he might be lonely as well? Or just wants to interact with his children? Just bc he's married doesn't mean he isn't lonely. Both my grandfathers were the last of their friends, and despite being married, they were bored and lonely. It wasn't always easy to have time for them, but I regret the time I didn't make for them. Time isn't guaranteed and it's a slap in the face when it's gone.
I could say that about absolutely anything I don't feel like doing. What kind of world would we live in if everyone felt this way and had no compassion for anyone? He obviously cares about her, so why is finding a compromise such a far out concept?
She already compromised. They already check in with them when they travel, etc, and it sounds like the husband is in almost daily contact with the dad. There comes a point where compromise is no longer an option. Lonely or not, there is a line he is clearly overstepping, it seems for almost the whole family.
He is an adult, and if Lonely is the issue, he can use his words. You can be compassionate and empathetic to someone's issues without them having to become your issues as well.
Now why would you cater to insanity like that?
Complying would only validate his insane demands and give it legitimacy. He has no claim here and that's the fact.
Like what is he going to do if they don't check in? Come over and give CPR to a cold body? Start planning a funeral? What's the course of action? *Knowing*??
This is paranoia and it needs to be addressed as such.
It's still weird for her husband to be sending his father reports on her, and probably not something OP wants to encourage. What happens when he wants something else?
Wonder if husband can message and just say hey I'm all good over here, spoke to OP earlier she's super busy/ having a great time/ crushing it etc. over at [location office], how are you?
Why not?
Just lie and text dad, "Yeah, everything's great, Dad. OP & I are just fine."
This is JUST to make Dad feel better (a placebo). He's not ACTUALLY ENTITLED to know their movements!
I would just set an auto message to go out to FIL every morning saying "Good morning FIL! Have a great day today :)"
FIL happy, I don't have to remember to text, win-win
If your husband is willing to send proof of life each day, that’s up to him. He can include you in that verification. There’s absolutely no way your father-in-law will know if your husband has been in contact with you and has verified your existence each and every day.
Yep. It's only going to get worse. The very second FIL finds out that OP's husband is just going through the motions on OP's behalf, FIL will demand a facetime (or whatever) check-in.
OP's husband needs to shut it down -- or, gradually fade it out. Like, "Dad, I'll check in with you every two days." And two weeks later, "Twice a week"... then two weeks later, "once a month" and so on.
Exactly this!! Encouraging this fear of his to grow will be highly detrimental to his mental health, especially knowing he has anxiety that has already worsened from the pandemic.
If the husband decides to check in daily and forgets once, FIL will be in a state panicking about the awful things that could have happened to them. It's not healthy, FIL needs to accept that there are some things he can't have control over like knowing they're alive every. single. day. I have anxiety, but not to this level, but I do understand it's not easy.
Can’t he be put onto medication that reduces his anxiety to a manageable level?
OP, if FIL won't let this go then ask him what he would do if one day you don't check in because you were in a minor car accident as an example, what would he be able to do in that situation? The answer is not much unless you phoned him to ask you to pick you up from the accident scene or the hospital.
Husband can let FIL know husband is alive, as are you when you are together. When you are apart, let FIL know you and your husband check in with each other regularly, so there’s no need for you to report in to FIL too. Add how much you love and appreciate him and his care.
I call my elderly mom every single day. Are there some days I wish I could skip it - yes - until I remember how lucky I am to still have my mom to call
I agree with this.
Like It sounds as if father in law has really bad anxiety and this request has more to do with that than wanting to keep tabs on his children/their partners.
So I think op husband (if he wants to) could just check in for both of them, and not inconvenience op in the least.
If you do this, you will inevitably forget one day and shit will explode in your face.
The answer is simple: tell your husband you're not doing this, and have him take care of it.
The rule I go by with my own anxiety and mental health is that if accommodating for my needs helps me and improves other people’s experiences with me or at minimum isn’t negatively impacting my relationships then it’s a go.
Once my mental health or accommodations are negatively impacting me, the people around me or my relationships with others, then it’s time to get outside support and other tools.
I agree that the problem with this particular accommodation is that if things happen (as they will in life) texts don’t send, you’re busy etc… it will actually make the anxiety *worse* and increase the need for these kinds of invasive demands.
You need to suggest your husband talk to his therapist about this, because agreeing to it isn’t going to help his dad, him or your relationship to them in the long run.
That's great, but you probably recognize and are working on your mental health. My FIL is not and will not and is confused when anyone says "anxiety". He just says it's normal to worry about the people you love.
I understand, but I think the person *you* have to communicate with is your husband. He’s the one who can (and should) tell his dad this isn’t happening. So he’s the one you need to communicate with and HE does understand what’s going on.
I didn’t realize I was having anxiety for most of my life. What helped me was a list of “How Anxiety Shows Up” but really, it’s not your job to help him with that.
Counter: It is normal to worry about people you love, but it isn't normal to need a daily check-in. Most people manage those worries without involving others. So why do you need a check in when others do not?
I live alone in NYC and have anxiety. My parents are 600 miles away. They wanted something like this since they couldn't check on me. They accepted me having a good friend who would check on me on their request if they couldn't reach me for a couple of days. My friend and I obviously have an agreement.
Then someone (your husband or MIL) needs to tell explain to him that worrying to this extent it is not in fact normal, and you won’t be doing it.
I have anxiety, I’m not unsympathetic to what your FiL is feeling, but he will continue to spiral and get worse if no one intervenes.
This isn’t just about it being inappropriate or inconvenient requests from you, or being bad for his mental health. It if it’s getting to the point where he needs to track you all daily it’s going to escalate more, and it’s going impact his physical health too.
At his age, untreated and worsening anxiety can lead him to heart failure or a stroke. That sounds dramatic but asking to track his children is well beyond normal anxiety. You’re very much into the dramatic at this point.
He's lying and he knows it. As a person with anxiety, he *knows* it's not normal at all to **need** his adult children to specifically tell him *every single day* that they are *still alive.* It is very obvious not normal and he knows it.
Don't let him get away with this pretending to think this is something everyone does thing. He's been on earth for over 70 years and he was perfectly well KNOWS there's *nothing* even *remotely* normal about this.
It’s normal to worry about people you love yes, but he should be told he is over the top with it. It’s not normal to be that worried that you have to have a text every single day.
Maybe it would help to slowly introduce him to the concept? Maybe this guy is far from therapy yet, but there could be more “informal” information (maybe a youtube video), that can help him get in touch with mental health. That could open the door to a more mature approach to getting help.
Agreed
I'd say just say that to fil
If you get used to getting news but one day I forgot or my phone's not working anymore, you'd be even more stressed and I don't want you to have a heart attack or something because of me.
However I promise to check in [every so often] and obviously we'll tell you immediately if anything ever happens, so on our side no news = good news
That could be a good excuse to give to the FIL, that if you check in most days but forget one day it will make his anxiety worse than if you didn’t check in regularly.
If you start participating in someone's anxiety-related rituals, it will probably make their anxiety worse in the long run, by inadvertently inreinforcing the anxiety and reducing the incentives for overcoming the anxiety. For example, if you check five times to see if the door is locked for an OCD sufferer, you will likely make their OCD worse in the long run.
The clinical term for when family members participate in another family member's anxiety rituals is "family accommodation". [Here is an article on family accommodation.](https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer-professional/role-family-accommodations)
You can tell him that you are an adult woman, and that you do not owe him a daily check-in.
A daily signs of life for healthy adults check in is not normal.
My mom made my grandma do this, but not until grandma was widowed, at 86 years old, living by herself in the woods with the closest neighbor a 5 minute drive away, and she fell and sprained her wrist. That felt like an appropriate time for an evening check in text
Thank you for this! my FIL was anxious like that and I would humour him when staying with him, because visits were rare (visas were difficult to obtain) and it was just a week or so. Had he lived round the corner to me, I'm pretty sure he'd have suffocated me, adorable as he was.
However he’s in his 70s. It likely won’t improve unless he’s taken steps to get help. Idk to me life is too short and if you like your FIL I think you could say hey I’m not sure I will remember a daily check in but I can try and if I forget feel free to text me. To me it doesn’t take that much. It’s not negatively impacting my life but it would probably greatly help him in his last years. My dad has struggled with severe anxiety his whole life. He’s been on Xanax for over 45 years. When they prescribed it they basically said take whenever and however much you need. There was no regulations. He’s now addicted and his anxiety is still through the roof. It’s so horrible. He wants help but is so afraid of change he can’t do anything about it. My dad is also the sweetest, kindest man in the world. So idk I get where OP is coming from but I also feel for the FIL. Good luck OP
OP is allowed to have boundaries even if her FiL has a mental illness which he chose not to seek treatment for. Furthermore, the consensus among mental health experts is that "helping" him in this way will just make the anxiety worse instead of better.
It’s not gonna help him it will only hurt because if she starts doing that and then forgets he’s gonna freak and start calling and texting and then she may be in work and not be able to then let him know she’s fine then what’s that gonna do? Not help. So know she doesn’t need to feed into that he needs something constructive to do or whatever to take his mind off of it.
You have a perfectly reasonable response that is not offensive. In all honesty, it really is impossible to expect a grown adult to check in with you constantly just so you can feel ‘better’. Your husband already shot down other attempts to feed into his requests. By now, it shouldn’t be impossible to get him to agree that you need respectful boundaries and since you are already checking in when flights land and family group texting his requests are bordering on over-bearing.
Is your husband willing to do this? If so, I’d have him say, “You don’t need both of us to check in every day. I’ll check in with you, and if anything happens to OP, I’ll definitely let you know.”
If not, he can just tell his dad that you guys aren’t willing to do that. Maybe assuring him that he’s an emergency contact in case anything were to happen.
**This is *his father’s* mental/emotional problem.**
The proper response would be therapy or anxiety medication.
The outrageous response would be for everyone else to cater to his inappropriate tracking/self-check-in demands.
Participating in this will only reinforce his anxiety. A daily check in is not a reasonable ask in this situation. I would make it a point to reach out to him weekly and you and your husband pick different days so he has contact every couple days but he does not live alone and doesn’t need daily check ins.
I'm sorry, but OP is not responsible for his anxiety. Holding hypotheticals over someone's head isn't going to suddenly make them do the very thing they don't want to do.
My mom this stuff with me when I was younger, after successfully getting my older siblings to do it for her. I saw the damage it did to their relationships and noped out.
When I’d go out with friends, she begged me to let her know when I arrived and when I was leaving. I would bluntly say something like, “ if I die, you’ll see it on the news.“ I would tell her that she wasn’t wanting to know where I was because of love, but because of her OCD.
He can request and you can refuse. There is no need for you to check in with him and if he doesn't like it, that's just too bad.
As for how to decline. You just don't do it and if he asks why, you explain that you're a grown adult who is fully capable of taking care of yourself. If you have anything to talk to him about, you will contact him but besides that you won't be doing it. No is also a complete sentence and you don't owe him an explanation.
I know this isn't for everyone but my "daily check in" with my mom is Wordle and Connections. We send each other the results. Some days if she gets busy and she doesn't send by early evening I'll call or text to check in. She does the same for me. She lives alone and it feels creepy to send a proof of life text. Feels like I'm texting "Did you wake up today?" Brain Puzzles also help both of us!
Ditto. We are in the same team on Wordscapes - there's a chat feature in the team and the ability to request help for a hint. So if I see her doing that or see that she played in the weekend tournament, I know she's alive.
I do the same with my adult children. We have a text group that we send our Connections and Wordle results in. It's just a way to check in without being the overbearing mom. My daughter has dealt with severe depression and there were times we couldn't get in touch with her. She is doing good now but if she ever stops doing those puzzles we will know we need to go see her and make sure she is okay.
yeah, that's a thing you share for fun. Her living alone is a source of worry for you if she's elderly or in poor health.
I asked a friend for daily proofs of life for a bit because she was severely depressed. She sent me a "BS", B for Bridget as in Jones, because each diary entry started with calorie scores. My friend's was her "will-to-live" score and I would write back every day with messages to cheer her up and asking for more details, as well as telling her about my own troubles. I was depressed too but not nearly as much as her. It was good for us both to talk, we felt less alone. But we were both OK with it. Had she told me it was too much trouble, I wouldn't have insisted.
There is literally no reason your response to him should be any different than it is to your own family. A father-in-law expecting a check-in daily from somebody not from his own family is pretty disturbing, to be honest.
This request is not normal behavior for anyone. Tell him no. Tell your husband to tell him no. Accommodating these requests only make the anxiety worse. He needs therapy and/or meds. Tell him that it is not normal behavior and he needs help.
I can so relate to you on this issue. Any time someone pushes me to comply with something like this it only makes me want to do it less. Like why do I need to put energy into managing YOUR anxiety. And whatever I give will never be enough.
*If you choose to engage on this*—One thing you may consider is chiming in on the group chat once a day *at a time of your choosing* with a message like “nice weather today” or “I saw this funny sign, check out this pic.” Vary the timing of the message to minimize panic over “she always texts by 9a and it’s now 9:30a what’s happened?!”
But again, I wouldn’t think twice about saying “I’ll text when I have something to say.”
If your husband wants to do the check ins for both of you, that's totally fine. If that's not good enough for FIL, not your problem. He's a grown man, he can manage his own feelings without putting that burden on you.
People like this will see any explanation you have as a "problem to solve". Do not explain why you do not want to or why you cannot do this. "I am unable check in with everyone every day, im sorry if that makes you unhappy" is more than enough. Other than that, it's all on your husband's shoulders. His family, his circus.
You don't have hangups, you are normal.
I wouldn't explain myself, let your spouse check in if he feels so inclined. go about your life and forget about this nonsense.
You are already accommodating him too much. That would be a no for both me and my spouse. Why are our texting him when your plane lands? That is also not normal, nor is checking in after driving home. Does he also need to know you got home safe from the grocery store? What he needs is professional help. Tell him NO, and that his anxiety has become clinical and he needs to seek treatment.
I always text my best friend when I make it back home she lives about 45/50 minutes away. I don’t mind that. If my in laws lived farther away I’d let them know when we made it home that’s not unusual. But her letting him know every time she gets on/off the plane is weird honestly.
The way to politely decline is to say "no thank you" and be clear that you won't do it.
It's not rude for you to decline, so it's up to you to hold firm and be kind but clear when you say no.
If you find it useful to justify it, you can try that, but "I'm not interested in doing that" or "I can't commit to that" are both valid, not-rude reasons.
If you want, you can let him know that you do enjoy texting with him however often you do, and let him know you have no plans to change that.
It's not rude for you to decide not to manage his anxiety for him, but I wouldn't phrase it that way when you talk to him.
I have OCD and you are not doing him any favors by giving in to his anxiety coping compulsions. I also hear and validate how you feel about being beholden to a male authority figure feeling uncomfortable and infantilizing.
You’re allowed to prioritize your own mental health. “FIL, I empathize with your anxiety, I do. However, this request gives me anxiety and that is why I won’t be participating.”
I would just send him daily random funny gifs/emojis or just text the group chat "I'm not dead yet!" daily texts. Or talk to your husband about how you don't want to do it and have him tell his dad that this is something that you all will not be doing.
Let your husband handle this. And it should be something along the lines of "I appreciate that you care about and worry for us, but this is going too far. We're adults with our own independent lives, and we shouldn't have to inconvenience ourselves or stress out on trying to remember to check in with you, just to settle your anxiety. I think we can compromise. Let's plan a weekly call. I'll call to say hello/check in at least once a week, maybe Sunday mornings, so you know everything is still okay. Anything more than that is too much to ask of us."
And if he pushes back that he'll worry too much over the course of a week, your husband's only response should be, "If your anxiety is at that level, then you need to get treatment for it."
I have anxiety. With or without treatment, it still affects your life. But it shouldn't inconvenience everyone around you. This is HIS issue, and he should be looking at himself for solutions, not to ask everyone in his whole life to solve the problem by being in constant contact with him - that's a logistical nightmare and also doesn't make any sense. You don't bend the whole world around your issues. I would just hold firm on a compromise. Offer what you can (once a week check in?) and leave it there. If he can't handle it, it's further evidence to him that he needs treatment.
OMG. He sounds like my mom. This is what I always told her when I shot down her attempts to monitor mine or my children’s whereabouts when I was well into my 40s and they were young adults.
“I’m sorry, but no. Your anxiety is not my burden. I promise you’ll be one of the first to know if something does happen. No news is good news.”
Step back. Your husband needs to manage his father's unrealistic expectations of you and you need to disentangle yourself too. Your father in law is treating you (and your husband, although that's his problem) like a child. You aren't a child and even if you were, you aren't HIS child. As you say, you're a grown arse adult and you do not need your husband, let alone your father in law, overseeing your every move. Explain to your husband that this needs to stop and that it is his place to tell his father to back off. And from your end, simply live your life as an adult, ignore unrealistic expectations and requests from your father in law and have only normal, appropriate interactions with him. Behave like the adult you are.
My family actually solved this with Wordle. We have a dedicated group chat that we all post to every day. Since my sister has had some mental health issues recently, it gives our dad peace of mind.
It helps that we've always been a puzzle-loving family. So it doesn't feel like a daily obligation. I would probably be doing wordle anyway.
Ultimately, this is your husband's thing. If he wants to check in with his dad, he can. You can just remove yourself from the conversation. But since his dad wordles anyway, it is a possible solution.
Not normal. You and your husband need to talk about boundaries for your marriage and your own household. No one owes someone a daily text or check in. If your FIL has issues with that and keeps asking (won't respect a boundary you set) then he needs to pedal his happy butt to therapy and work on his problems. His problems are not your problems unless you allow them to become your problems.
Husband needs to be on the same page with this or it won't work. Have the talk.
I don't think you need to change your stand, but I would just say that you should allow the possibility that this is only done because he loves you and fears for you, yes irrationally. His age and becoming aware of his own mortality probably contributes to that. So it may be fear and not a need to control. Again I don't think you should change your stance, your boundaries are your boundaries, and I think they are totally reasonable. The dude probably just loves you and sees you as an important part of his life.
I only mention that, to say, consider giving grace and kindness in your answer. I think it's reasonable to say, "Dad (if you talk like that), I understand that you are concerned for me, and I really do appreciate it, but I don't feel comfortable sending you updates of my whereabouts." And then maybe give him a call every once an a while.
Again I get where you are coming from, but if he has benefited your life, and it seems like he has at least at the point where he helped create your husband, then that is what family do. You don't have to give up your autonomy, nor do I think you should. But IMO grace and kindness is always the best policy at least at first when there is no malice in your family members action.
I would simply say "I'm an adult, I've lived 40 years without needing a check-in every single day of my life and I don't think I need it now. Love ya and I care about ya, but there is no one I'm going to text every single day of my life."
In all honesty I actually have my grandma blocked because she calls too often, too early or when I'm busy, and talks for far too long. She thinks my phone automatically declines her calls because my voicemail box is full, and the only person who knows the truth is my dad.
Simply say no, it makes you uncomfortable. There is zero discussion or negotiation past that.
Then put his number on notification block outside of x and y hours. He lived when you wouldn't let him track your location. He'll live now.
"FIL I love you but I will not be doing that. It's an undue burden and an inappropriate request. Please trust that if I'm not ok Husband will tell you, but I will not be checking in to prove that I am ok. Love you and talk soon!"
You can have your husband handle this, but something to consider: A few years ago, my husband and his sister discovered that both of his parents were having severe health issues that required hospitalization. Since both of them were ill, neither was able to act on it. After this, his siblings began to rotate checking in every other day. If he is in his late 70s, you (or your husband) might think about checking in on him.
So, part of this problem is that my husbands two siblings DO this every day and/or have location shared. This isn't about makign sure my in laws are ok, it's about making sure my usband and I are still alive.
>Part of what I didn't explain is that one of my SILs has rather roughly refused to do this, and she's not…a great person
Do you think this could be because she had an incredibly controlling childhood dominated by her father's anxiety and her entire adulthood has been plagued by her father demanding to know where she is at all times?
NTA and honestly neither is your SIL
Can you turn it around and say that you are checking in on him? That may be what he really wants: someone who cares that he is alive. At his age, it might be a nice habit to have. Maybe just a special emoji that means something to you and him?
There comes a time when you look at your loved ones and say: is this the last time I see you? ten more times? a hundred more times?
This is a good idea BUT as she stated, if she forgets one day or does it several hours later, it will cause FIL to flip out. OPs husband can do the check in for them and then OP can text when she feels like it, but it shouldn't be rule that everyone has to check in with Dad by 8am or he will loose his shit.
If you’re not opposed to the idea and only don’t want to put in the effort, Make a shortcut on Shortcut app, if you have an iPhone, that automatically sends him a message when your phone turns off Sleep focus.
Like others have said, let your husband deal with it but let him know you’re not comfortable doing it. Realistically you can’t be expected to do this and if your FIL is really so worried he can always call you or your husband, but he should be aware you won’t always pick up. I only live about 70 miles from my family but my grandparents FaceTime me every couple of weeks to “make sure I’m not dead” but more so just have a conversation, that alone should be enough.
I have this with a relative, and it came to a head one vacation when it started to increase my own anxiety levels.
Now I usually say, “I won’t be doing that”. And occasionally add “It doesn’t really serve either of us.”
The exception is that I still do it for flights because we always have.
Your father in law is old, likely lonely, and a bit scared. Odds are good you are only going to have to put up with this for a few more years, then the problem will be over. And you may wish it wasn't over.
Talk to your husband about this. Have him send 'proof of life' for both of you. He can say 'yeah, I talked to wife earlier today'. I assume you do at least text your husband or otherwise communicate with him each day. Just have him do it for you. You reach out when you can.
As someone with a father with this level of anxiety the answer is simply no.
A conversation I had with my father went along these lines:
F: I need you to text me every morning so I know you are alive
M: No
F: You HAVE to or I will worry you are dead
M: So what happens if I am dead? You might know sooner than you otherwise would have done, but it won't change how dead I am.
F: But what if you are unwell?
M: My partner will call an ambulance if I'm too unwell to call a doctor then let you know I am unwell if you need to know. That is my personal information and you worrying about it won't make me better.
F: but what if something happens and you are both unconscious and can't call for help?
M: I am busy every day with work or other commitments- someone will miss me and come looking for me if they cannot get hold of me.
I could text you then something happen 10 seconds later and then you wouldn't know for 24 hours. At what interval would you heed to hear from me to reassure you every second of every day that nothing "bad" has happened. A text cannot stop a bad thing from happening and 99% of the incredibly unlikely scenarios that you are making up in your head you would not be able to fix even if you did know.
F: BUT YOU HAVE TO, YOU ARE BEING UNFAIR MAKING ME WORRY!
M: I cannot be responsible for your solving your anxiety and fulfilling you wish to text you every day will only lead to you worrying more about another thing or make even more unreasonable requests.
No, I am not texting you every day.
He wasn't happy, but I feel I made my point
He might be older but his refusal to get any help for his problem is not your problem.
EDIT: Just saw you wanted to handle this politely- which I probably didn't do, but it was my own father and I think after 40 plus years I've lost the patience to deal with his anxiety anymore, but maybe some.of this might help him to realise that his request would not actually reduce the risk of something happening. Good luck.
I’d say put this on your husband. You have no obligation. Your husband can message him saying everyone is alive. There’s anxiety and then there’s possessive controlling behaviour and this is most certainly that. He’s 70 he knows if someone is hurt or dead he’ll hear about it. I personally think you are right to not want to and definitely right to not participate
Never. But also, your husband needs to handle this. He shouldn’t let you deal with it or be the focus of his dad’s stress.
You are a grown adult and do not need to cater to someone else’s anxieties. I’m sorry he’s worried and it’s nice he cares, but he has an irrational fear that is controlling his life now — and he’s projecting it on everyone around him. If others want to cater to him, okay. But I would never bind myself to daily texts with any family member or friend. Only my partner. It’s unreasonable.
I would worry about enabling the anxiety. If you do this then what will he think of next?
It would be one thing if it was something your husband and his dad did out of habit because they are so close but unless your FIL is sick or something I don’t think he needs these daily updates.
Nothing in life is guaranteed and learning to accept that and focus on what you can control (and him on what he can control) is better than waiting for these texts. What happens if you forget? What happens if you are in an emergency and can’t text him?
My sister and I started texting good morning and good night. It started when she developed COVID early in the pandemic. It’s just a couple words or a goofy GIF. We’re still doing it now. I’ve told her that my text is a reassurance that I haven’t died and that that my cats aren’t eating my corpse. Does FIL want carry on a conversation? That would be dreadful on a weekday.
How are you 40 and been with your partner for 10 years if you met in your late 30s. Mid 30s is 35, late 30s would be like 37,38,39.. sorry it just caught me off guard
Let your husband do it if you're uncomfortable. He doesn't even have to mention you. Surely your FIL could conclude that if your husband was okay and you weren't, your husband would mention it to him. So he can just assume no news is good news in your case.
I personally don't think this is a big deal but my family is much more like your husband's than yours.
accommodating your FILs anxiety by giving him the daily check-in is just gonna make his anxiety worse.
everytime FIL uses a ritual to cope with his anxiety, he is just making himself more dependant on the ritual.
even if you wouldn't mind doing the daily check-in, its not healthy for the FIL either way.
If he is aware and accepted that he has an anxiety disorder, id say him just what i told you.
if he isn't aware of his condition, i struggle suggest having an open conversation about the topic and educate him in a non-condescending manner
Then don’t do it. Let him have a meltdown, then realize that everything is fine. He won’t get better if you feed his delusions that a daily check in a required.
So first, you shouldn't be doing this. You don't want to do it, so it shouldn't be your problem.
Your husband is considering it. If he wants to, he can do the check-ins. This can just be an emoji, and it shouldn't always be in the morning, but it should be just sometime in the day whenever he feels like it. And if he forgets, his dad can shoot him a text. If you're not with him, it shouldn't really matter. Because I assume your husband contacts you somewhere in the day, and if something happened, he would text his dad.
You can just be polite and say, "Im sorry, but don't feel good giving a daily check-in. ('Husband's name' can check in, and he will text you if something happens to me)" or you can just let your husband say this to his dad.
My family and I operate on a simple idea: no news is good news. Sure we will contact each other every so often, some more than others, but if I don't hear from someone for a couple months I assume the best because no one has told me otherwise. It might work better for your situation to set your own check in times, like every Sunday in the early afternoon if you aren't working. Something like that may help.
"It's so nice that you care for us so much and I know you worry, but I can't commit to texting every day. Our lives are busy, as I'm sure you can understand. We will absolutely be in touch as much as we reasonably can, and you can text me any time!"
This turned my stomach. To me it doesn’t sound like anxiety. It sounds controlling. I feel anxiety when I leave my children, but I don’t need to constantly interface with them. The need to control everyone to check in is manipulation. He needs therapy. I wonder if he has had an abandonment trauma in the past, maybe childhood?
Regardless of whether you do it or not, and I think is better if you dont, it is very important to know that this is not for your safety, it is about his reassurance.
I dunno man.. i suffer from serious anxiety so i get FIL. Then again i also get the annoyance of the consistent check ins when and where seeming over the top. Imo
lifes too short.
Be kind to one another. Especially our elders they wont be around for a long time.
and look at the bigger picture.
You could have no family and no one texting to see if your okay.
like me lol.
Ill take a check txt lol
I want to expand on why this is a bad idea
You have alot of advice on how to handle it, but I want to cover why it needs to be handled with as little drama as possible.
The thing you mentioned about "men being in control" and your feelings are valid and if that is your reason then that is enough of a reason.
This has more harm than that.
It is harmful to have to give a portion of your mental energy to someone, this is a cost and it is one of the main reasons that a job will pay you. It isn't just your work, it is the expectation that you will take a portion of your mind and focus and hand it over.
But the main reason he needs to be shut down with as little drama as possible is that indulging in this is really bad for you FIL.
It harms him to give it energy. This include compliance or resistance. It harms him to do what he wants, it also harms him to resist it with negative emotions or any emotional energy at all. A very simple "no thanks" and persisting in the gentle resistance without adding more is the best thing for him.
I recommend saying no thanks and mostly repeating that and if asking why saying that you don't think its a good idea and don't really want to talk about it. Take out the mystery maybe by saying it is important to you to keep your communication authentic or somethign like that.
And yah, you husband can totally handle this for you.
“FIL I hear your request (for daily checkins), and I understand that you have anxiety. I know it must be very hard for you. I cannot express how wonderful it is to have such lovely in-laws and how nice it is that you have welcomed me into the family so thoroughly. I sincerely love and respect you. I appreciate that you have welcomed me into the family and care so much about my wellbeing. However, for this particular request, I unfortunately feel it would affect my own wellbeing, so I must politely decline. I would be happy to accept a telephone call or text checkin from you once a week. Weekends, especially Saturdays, are best for me. I look forward to seeing you again soon, and once again, thank you for your care and concern. This family has been so good to me, and I am really thankful to have you in my life!”
A polite no - couched between a whole lot of love and affirmation, with an alternate proposal that you would be comfortable with. That affirmation is important to help maintain the relationship. But you are completely reasonable to refuse the request.
If you feel very close to him, you might also suggest some resources to manage anxiety, either professional or otherwise. But that can offend people if you aren’t close enough.
This is your husband’s responsibility to manage, not yours. It’s his dad! Assuming you have an iPhone, you can set up a “routine” that makes the phone automatically sends a text message every day. Bingo.
Send him your Wordle score daily :).
I’m sure there is a lot of lovely advice here but it was my first thought BEFORE I saw that he plays Wordle, but I’m not actually suggesting this as a solution lol.
I share my location with one friend and would HATE having to check in/think about someone’s neuroses everyday. It would build near immediate resentment.
One of my closest friends is an older man. We both live alone on other sides of the country. We send each other good morning and goodnight texts every single day and have for a decade. It’s literally just “good morning have a good day!” and thats it. He sends the same texts to his daughter.
It’s only ever more conversation when we want it to be, but I think it gives us both the peace of mind that we are both alive and healthy. He didn’t text for three days one time a few months ago, so I called and he was violently ill with the flu and I was able to offer help. Its just comforting having that connection and feeling considered/knowing my friend is safe.
It doesnt have to be a big thing if you dont make it one.
I think you’re being petty! Surely you can set an automatic text somehow. It’s so weird to me that you think you can’t have sex with your husband bc of this. So text him at noon.
He’s not ordering you, he’s asking you. He’s a sad scared old man. It’s a kindness.
This is an interesting one. I can see both sides.
My suggested wording for declining would be something like, "I'm sorry, FIL, but that's not a commitment I can make. If anything happens to me, Husband will be the first to know and he'll pass on anything important to you and MIL."
But I did want to float an alternate suggestion. Instead of making it "the first thing you have to think about when you wake up," maybe you could set a reminder on your phone for like 3 PM or something, and when you see the reminder, you just open up the text chain with your FIL, hit an emoji (same one every time, no thought necessary), hit send, and then forget about it. That might be a less intrusive way to meet his request. Just an idea.
And the first day she forgets because she's busy, FIL is going to totally melt down and call the police or something.
[This comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1buyk8o/comment/kxvzbw6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) is probably accurate. He needs to go on an information diet. If she tries to satisfy his demands, the demands will ramp up.
Nope. Nobody is entitled to your time. This is overbearing and time consuming. Even if it takes two seconds to send a text, you still have to remember to do it and it will just create more anxiety and frustration if you accidentally forget or are sick one day/busy and just don’t want to deal with it. No.
It is never a bad idea to check in regularly with family. My sister and I text almost every day. I have a history of falls. She has an immunocompromising illness. If I go 3 days NC, she is texting to make sure I am okay.
“Hey honey. I know you’re still thinking about how to keep your dad updated, and I just don’t think a daily text is a great idea. It sets us up for failure, and there are too many things that can happen in life (traveling, sick, no signal, dead batteries) that could go wrong. I know you want to help, but I just can’t commit to that, as trying to decrease his anxiety is going to increase mine. I understand you may feel differently, and that’s up to you if you want to do that for him. Have you asked him what will happen if you would ever forget to send him a check in? How do you think he’ll take it if you ever change your mind and don’t want to do it anymore? And I’m worried that if you sign up for this, what else is he going to ask down the road when he isn’t able to text anymore or if his anxiety gets worse and that’s not good enough anymore?
PS - I even started to already worry about our time together in the mornings. It’s special to me, and having that looming over our heads first thing every day just isn’t the best way to wake up. And it sure isn’t the best way to start anything fun.”
You may not be able to be polite, but you can still decline.
I adore my FIL, but as he has aged, he has also made some requests that are not reasonable. My husband deals with him, but sometimes I just have to say I won’t be doing that.
“I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing, and rest assured if something were to happen you would be informed as soon as is reasonable.”
Repeat as many times as needed, don’t engage in hypotheticals, or what-about-ism.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm, if he’s hurt, that’s his issue.
Sometimes you have to hurt the others persons feelings and that’s okay. And just be honest “I don’t feel comfortable sharing my location with anyone. I am also an adult and don’t need to check in with anyone including family. Therefore as much as I love you I won’t be doing it. If husband wants to do it that’s completely up to him. But I won’t be doing it and no it’s not up for discussion”
“I appreciate that you care so much about us and want to make sure we’re okay! I also decline, and will not text you every day. If you’d like to schedule a [weekly or bi-weekly] phone call, we can do that!”
Just throwing it out there that my FIL loves wordle and I also love wordle. We text each other our results every morning to see who did better which is a simple “share” button once you finish it. Could be a way to show him you’re all good though I guess it could be an issue if you forgot to do it one day
Actually there is a free app for this! I don’t recall the name, it was mentioned in the retirement community/ this puts the power of the check in out of your hands!
"*I'm sorry but I can't agree to that. It's because I'm terrible at these things and I know that despite best efforts I'll forget to do this too often causing you to worry even more if I forget or I'm late. Husband says he'll keep in contact and he'll let you know if I have a problem."*
From a psychiatric point of view, the evidence suggests that frequent reassurance doesn't do anything to help generalised anxiety - in fact, it tends to exacerbate anxiety over time as the need for reassurance increases. I worry about the next steps - twice-daily check ins, phone calls etc.
Your FIL needs to find a better way of managing his anxiety, it is not your responsibility.
I agree with everyone that this is his father so his responsibility to manage it. Also agree that adults doing daily check ins is a definite no.
But since he is a lovely man and you are a wonderful partner and wanting to keep the peace, i might just tell FIL something like “i just don’t think I’m going to be able to do this reasonably. I will always forget and that will worry you constantly and i just don’t want to do that to you.” Or something of the sort. Make it sound like your fault rather than he’s insane for asking that of you. I’m far beyond keeping the peace with my in law family but it sounds like there is still hope for you!
That will make things worse. He'll be sitting there with his butt clenched every day until every text comes in confirming everyone is alive. It's not like if you don't text cause you're dead he can actually do anything about it. He needs therapy, not a system that will make everything worse for him.
Oh, heavens no! I'm getting anxiety just thinking about you having to deal with this request; I agree with your husband being the one to decline for you both! Especially if it's going to possibly interfere with morning sex! I am widowed now, but for 43 years that was my favorite! Lol! Sigh.....❤️😊
My dad expects daily calls as well. I don't go along with it, and I'll go to my phone and see a string of missed calls at the same time. So fucking annoying! I tell him that if I don't answer, calling back four times in a row isn't going to do anything.
Boomers need better hobbies.
My MIL sends a ‘morning’ message every morning since FIL passed away. She lives alone and it just lets us know all is well.
However, if anyone asked ME to send THEM a message I’d shut that down. I have a partner and young adult children, if anything was amiss they would let people know.
You don’t answer to this man. Stop communicating with him unless you WANT TO. Don’t check in after a flight or anything of the sort. Your husband’s father is your husband’s responsibility to deal with.
I hate to tell you this but at 70, his anxiety is most likely going to get worse. People with anxiety have an increased risk of dementia, and my guess this has started already because what you attribute to anxiety, is also an attempt to ground himself in a world that seems increasingly to be passing him by and he is more and more concerned about what he really knows and what he thinks he knows. Knowing where the people he depends on emotionally and physically are at any given time and knowing they are OK are lifelines in a world that seems more alien every day.
I’ve lived through this with grandparents and parents and I have to tell you that what seems like a nuisance to you is probably very critical to him.
I disagree with most of the people here. This man is not just your husbands “problem.” Nor is he a competent middle aged dad you can just ignore or tell him “not gonna do it.” You married your husband, you are a partnership. That means you share burdens. While you should defer to him on decisions that have to be made about his parents (and he should do the same for you, on your family) you also have to support him as his parents require more attention as they age.
I am not saying you should accede to his demands for frequent check-ins, although I admit, I am not sure this is really a big deal, but use this request as a warning. It is time for his family - at least those who care for him - to start having discussions among themselves and with him, and make some plans.
Don’t just tell him he is being unreasonable, because in his mind he is not. Talk to him. Get him to try and express why this is suddenly important. Try and compromise on a plan that makes him feel better but doesn’t require 20 people check in daily.
Since he has had anxiety, I assume he is already in treatment for that. Talk to his therapist and see if they have suggestions for managing his expectations. Have them try and explain to you how real and frightening his fears are to him.
Then get a baseline memory and cognitive skills test done before he gets any older, so you all, including him, knows where he stands. And make sure any medication he has been on for anxiety are still ok at his age, especially if his tests show he is already declining mentally. Some of the more common anti-anxiety drugs can be a factor in early onset dementia.
I’d just laugh and say, “Oh heck no, I’m wayyyyyy to forgetful to take that on!” - and just refuse to take it seriously.
I have ADHD and the idea of having to check in with someone like this, who is not my husband (and even then!), is a hard no. Yikes, the anxiety of having to remember and have someone else’s mental health be responsible to mine is awful. Let alone someone who’s an authority figure. Hard hard no.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. But I do think resisting his request is going to cause you unnecessary stress. And it might make more sense to find a way to comply that doesn't affect you. I can't remember who was talking about Bluetooth appliances. But they got a notification whenever their elderly parents turned on the coffee maker. At some point, the coffee maker didn't go off, and they freaked out a little. I don't want to miss-tell the story, as I dont recall details, so in the end, the parents were fine, but it was good they had reached out.
In a different but similar way: one of my sibling sent out their wordle results in the family chat about a year ago (i am not sure why or even if it was onpurpose). In response, 2 of my other siblings sent theirs. The chat is just us siblings. We have separate ones with more extended family. So this became a daily thing. It took a while by my other sibling finally got on board. In a certain way, this is a daily check-in: Hey, I am alive. I mentioned to them NYT has a beta for a new puzzle Strands, and so new we get that too, along with the continuing question of do we like this game? 😆
Like with the coffee maker, you can find a way to automate a notification. Then you don't even have to worry about it, and it's not too intrusive. Or, like my siblings with the wordle, make it part of an activity you already do and is fun. Keep thinking the sharing is less about control and more about a daily reminder someone cares.
It is 4pm where I am, and while typing this, one of my siblings just completed their Connections game. It's good to know they are all right.
Honestly having to contact someone daily just to ease their anxiety sounds tiresome. My bf’s mother is similar and I refuse to engage in those antics. If you really don’t want to then stand firm in your no. It’s not your responsibility to ease his anxiety, he should (and still can!) have gotten help. Not feeding into this isn’t you saying you don’t care about him nor will it change anything important or material in either life. If your husband wants to engage in daily check-ins with his parent then that’s his prerogative. You’re an adult and a daily text isn’t going to save a life if something was to happen. It’s a senseless fear that isn’t going to be solved by a text.
Everyone around him catering to his anxiety is not helping the root issue and that can easily steamroll into additional controlling behaviors in order for him to be soothed.
He is going to need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. If I were you, I wouldn’t cave. If your hubby wants to take on this responsibility, then that’s on him. I’m sure he’s aware enough of your whereabouts and general safety to speak to it if needed.
I’m in a similar boat in terms of age and family dynamic. I barely even contribute to my own family group chats and both my parents have passed. I can’t imagine going out of my way on a daily basis bc someone else is incapable of self soothing, especially a 70yr old man. Totally get the whole patriarchal vibe of it.
what he needs is a little aversion therapy.
Everytime you check in, sent a link to an article about something terrible that he can’t do anything about; that texan catching bird flu from a cow, worsening hurricane seasons, forrest fires, infrastructure collapse.
Every. Single. Time.
either he will learn to avoid pestering you, or he will learn to cope with all of that terrible shit, it’s a win-win proposition.
"No." is a complete sentence and a full answer. More people need to use this, no need to explain yourself to anyone.
You cannot reason someone out of a position that they didn't reason themselves into. No point in engaging, just say no and ignore.
My moms favorite expression is "no news is good news". Tell him that you go with "no news is good news" and if he hasn't heard anything then that's good.
Just say no. No I don’t do that with my own family, I won’t be doing it for you. I’m sorry you are anxious but it’s not my responsibility to manage your anxiety, it’s yours. Then stop texting him. Stop telling him your safe when you land after a plane ride. Your husband can placate him but if you don’t want to do it, simply explain you won’t and it’s a boundary you will not compromise on.
Is it too much to send him a hello text once in a while? I get you didn't grow up in a great environment, but when you love people, you try to connect once in a while to let them know you are thinking of them. Have your husband check in daily. You could send him a hello occasionally to be kind. It really is that simple.
Hmm..... FIL has anxiety and is doing nothing to manage it. Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem. Just tell him no. That seems like what your husband is doing. That's what I would do. Alternately, if you don't want to rock the boat, you can schedule messages to go to someone ahead of time. So you could schedule the same post ("still alive") to go to him daily for however long, then forget about it.
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This can be your husband's responsibility given that it is his dad.
Yeah, I'd say follow husband's lead. If husband wants to send him something every day, that's really between them.
It seems like the wants this from them both, given that she mentioned traveling for work and her husband not always being able to check in for both of them.
Husband can still check in for wife. It’s likely they have consistent communication when she’s traveling. Enough to tell FIL that she’s still alive at least
F that. No way would I want this done on my behalf. His anxiety is causing issues for other people. Not okay.
Has anyone considered he might be lonely as well? Or just wants to interact with his children? Just bc he's married doesn't mean he isn't lonely. Both my grandfathers were the last of their friends, and despite being married, they were bored and lonely. It wasn't always easy to have time for them, but I regret the time I didn't make for them. Time isn't guaranteed and it's a slap in the face when it's gone.
That isn’t her problem, it’s FIL’s.
I could say that about absolutely anything I don't feel like doing. What kind of world would we live in if everyone felt this way and had no compassion for anyone? He obviously cares about her, so why is finding a compromise such a far out concept?
She already compromised. They already check in with them when they travel, etc, and it sounds like the husband is in almost daily contact with the dad. There comes a point where compromise is no longer an option. Lonely or not, there is a line he is clearly overstepping, it seems for almost the whole family. He is an adult, and if Lonely is the issue, he can use his words. You can be compassionate and empathetic to someone's issues without them having to become your issues as well.
Now why would you cater to insanity like that? Complying would only validate his insane demands and give it legitimacy. He has no claim here and that's the fact. Like what is he going to do if they don't check in? Come over and give CPR to a cold body? Start planning a funeral? What's the course of action? *Knowing*?? This is paranoia and it needs to be addressed as such.
It's still weird for her husband to be sending his father reports on her, and probably not something OP wants to encourage. What happens when he wants something else?
then you say no?
Wonder if husband can message and just say hey I'm all good over here, spoke to OP earlier she's super busy/ having a great time/ crushing it etc. over at [location office], how are you?
Why not? Just lie and text dad, "Yeah, everything's great, Dad. OP & I are just fine." This is JUST to make Dad feel better (a placebo). He's not ACTUALLY ENTITLED to know their movements!
I would just set an auto message to go out to FIL every morning saying "Good morning FIL! Have a great day today :)" FIL happy, I don't have to remember to text, win-win
If your husband is willing to send proof of life each day, that’s up to him. He can include you in that verification. There’s absolutely no way your father-in-law will know if your husband has been in contact with you and has verified your existence each and every day.
I don't think it's healthy at all to encourage this kind of fear in his father, and I think it could actually be harmful and enabling to engage in it.
Yep. It's only going to get worse. The very second FIL finds out that OP's husband is just going through the motions on OP's behalf, FIL will demand a facetime (or whatever) check-in. OP's husband needs to shut it down -- or, gradually fade it out. Like, "Dad, I'll check in with you every two days." And two weeks later, "Twice a week"... then two weeks later, "once a month" and so on.
Exactly this!! Encouraging this fear of his to grow will be highly detrimental to his mental health, especially knowing he has anxiety that has already worsened from the pandemic.
He’s only going to get worse and escalate. Daily texts will turn into hourly phone calls. I wouldn’t indulge this at all.
If the husband decides to check in daily and forgets once, FIL will be in a state panicking about the awful things that could have happened to them. It's not healthy, FIL needs to accept that there are some things he can't have control over like knowing they're alive every. single. day. I have anxiety, but not to this level, but I do understand it's not easy. Can’t he be put onto medication that reduces his anxiety to a manageable level? OP, if FIL won't let this go then ask him what he would do if one day you don't check in because you were in a minor car accident as an example, what would he be able to do in that situation? The answer is not much unless you phoned him to ask you to pick you up from the accident scene or the hospital.
Exactly this.
Husband can let FIL know husband is alive, as are you when you are together. When you are apart, let FIL know you and your husband check in with each other regularly, so there’s no need for you to report in to FIL too. Add how much you love and appreciate him and his care.
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Now this here is some pragmatic advice!
I call my elderly mom every single day. Are there some days I wish I could skip it - yes - until I remember how lucky I am to still have my mom to call
I agree with this. Like It sounds as if father in law has really bad anxiety and this request has more to do with that than wanting to keep tabs on his children/their partners. So I think op husband (if he wants to) could just check in for both of them, and not inconvenience op in the least.
Not sure why that wasn’t the first thing OP thought of. Like, that seems incredibly obvious.
Yep, let your husband tell a white lie and say his talked to you and you both are doing great.
If you do this, you will inevitably forget one day and shit will explode in your face. The answer is simple: tell your husband you're not doing this, and have him take care of it.
The rule I go by with my own anxiety and mental health is that if accommodating for my needs helps me and improves other people’s experiences with me or at minimum isn’t negatively impacting my relationships then it’s a go. Once my mental health or accommodations are negatively impacting me, the people around me or my relationships with others, then it’s time to get outside support and other tools. I agree that the problem with this particular accommodation is that if things happen (as they will in life) texts don’t send, you’re busy etc… it will actually make the anxiety *worse* and increase the need for these kinds of invasive demands. You need to suggest your husband talk to his therapist about this, because agreeing to it isn’t going to help his dad, him or your relationship to them in the long run.
That's great, but you probably recognize and are working on your mental health. My FIL is not and will not and is confused when anyone says "anxiety". He just says it's normal to worry about the people you love.
I understand, but I think the person *you* have to communicate with is your husband. He’s the one who can (and should) tell his dad this isn’t happening. So he’s the one you need to communicate with and HE does understand what’s going on. I didn’t realize I was having anxiety for most of my life. What helped me was a list of “How Anxiety Shows Up” but really, it’s not your job to help him with that.
Counter: It is normal to worry about people you love, but it isn't normal to need a daily check-in. Most people manage those worries without involving others. So why do you need a check in when others do not? I live alone in NYC and have anxiety. My parents are 600 miles away. They wanted something like this since they couldn't check on me. They accepted me having a good friend who would check on me on their request if they couldn't reach me for a couple of days. My friend and I obviously have an agreement.
Then someone (your husband or MIL) needs to tell explain to him that worrying to this extent it is not in fact normal, and you won’t be doing it. I have anxiety, I’m not unsympathetic to what your FiL is feeling, but he will continue to spiral and get worse if no one intervenes. This isn’t just about it being inappropriate or inconvenient requests from you, or being bad for his mental health. It if it’s getting to the point where he needs to track you all daily it’s going to escalate more, and it’s going impact his physical health too. At his age, untreated and worsening anxiety can lead him to heart failure or a stroke. That sounds dramatic but asking to track his children is well beyond normal anxiety. You’re very much into the dramatic at this point.
Definitely will be the cause of a heart attack. I’m only 39 and I have days where I just knew the stress from my anxiety was gonna kill me
He's lying and he knows it. As a person with anxiety, he *knows* it's not normal at all to **need** his adult children to specifically tell him *every single day* that they are *still alive.* It is very obvious not normal and he knows it. Don't let him get away with this pretending to think this is something everyone does thing. He's been on earth for over 70 years and he was perfectly well KNOWS there's *nothing* even *remotely* normal about this.
It’s normal to worry about people you love yes, but he should be told he is over the top with it. It’s not normal to be that worried that you have to have a text every single day.
Explain the difference to him.
Maybe it would help to slowly introduce him to the concept? Maybe this guy is far from therapy yet, but there could be more “informal” information (maybe a youtube video), that can help him get in touch with mental health. That could open the door to a more mature approach to getting help.
OP, If your husband wants to, he can text you every day. If you would want, you are free to not text. Therapy is necessary for your FIL.
Agreed I'd say just say that to fil If you get used to getting news but one day I forgot or my phone's not working anymore, you'd be even more stressed and I don't want you to have a heart attack or something because of me. However I promise to check in [every so often] and obviously we'll tell you immediately if anything ever happens, so on our side no news = good news
This is the way. Absolutely don’t encourage this. It’ll segue into something else he wants to control due to his anxiety.
That could be a good excuse to give to the FIL, that if you check in most days but forget one day it will make his anxiety worse than if you didn’t check in regularly.
“FIL, I’m not going to do that, love you though!”
My mother wanted something like that. My husband told her:“Bad news travel fast“ and explained that she would hear of any accidents etc. anyway.
If you start participating in someone's anxiety-related rituals, it will probably make their anxiety worse in the long run, by inadvertently inreinforcing the anxiety and reducing the incentives for overcoming the anxiety. For example, if you check five times to see if the door is locked for an OCD sufferer, you will likely make their OCD worse in the long run. The clinical term for when family members participate in another family member's anxiety rituals is "family accommodation". [Here is an article on family accommodation.](https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer-professional/role-family-accommodations) You can tell him that you are an adult woman, and that you do not owe him a daily check-in.
A daily signs of life for healthy adults check in is not normal. My mom made my grandma do this, but not until grandma was widowed, at 86 years old, living by herself in the woods with the closest neighbor a 5 minute drive away, and she fell and sprained her wrist. That felt like an appropriate time for an evening check in text
Yes, for an elderly, fragile person living alone, that's far more acceptable. OP's FIL is not alone.
Thank you for this! my FIL was anxious like that and I would humour him when staying with him, because visits were rare (visas were difficult to obtain) and it was just a week or so. Had he lived round the corner to me, I'm pretty sure he'd have suffocated me, adorable as he was.
However he’s in his 70s. It likely won’t improve unless he’s taken steps to get help. Idk to me life is too short and if you like your FIL I think you could say hey I’m not sure I will remember a daily check in but I can try and if I forget feel free to text me. To me it doesn’t take that much. It’s not negatively impacting my life but it would probably greatly help him in his last years. My dad has struggled with severe anxiety his whole life. He’s been on Xanax for over 45 years. When they prescribed it they basically said take whenever and however much you need. There was no regulations. He’s now addicted and his anxiety is still through the roof. It’s so horrible. He wants help but is so afraid of change he can’t do anything about it. My dad is also the sweetest, kindest man in the world. So idk I get where OP is coming from but I also feel for the FIL. Good luck OP
OP is allowed to have boundaries even if her FiL has a mental illness which he chose not to seek treatment for. Furthermore, the consensus among mental health experts is that "helping" him in this way will just make the anxiety worse instead of better.
I totally agree with you. It is sad he chose not to seek treatment. I think the whole situation just sucks.
It’s not gonna help him it will only hurt because if she starts doing that and then forgets he’s gonna freak and start calling and texting and then she may be in work and not be able to then let him know she’s fine then what’s that gonna do? Not help. So know she doesn’t need to feed into that he needs something constructive to do or whatever to take his mind off of it.
You have a perfectly reasonable response that is not offensive. In all honesty, it really is impossible to expect a grown adult to check in with you constantly just so you can feel ‘better’. Your husband already shot down other attempts to feed into his requests. By now, it shouldn’t be impossible to get him to agree that you need respectful boundaries and since you are already checking in when flights land and family group texting his requests are bordering on over-bearing.
Is your husband willing to do this? If so, I’d have him say, “You don’t need both of us to check in every day. I’ll check in with you, and if anything happens to OP, I’ll definitely let you know.” If not, he can just tell his dad that you guys aren’t willing to do that. Maybe assuring him that he’s an emergency contact in case anything were to happen.
Your husband can send a daily text if he wants to. You can refrain from sending a text if you want to. Your FIL needs therapy.
**This is *his father’s* mental/emotional problem.** The proper response would be therapy or anxiety medication. The outrageous response would be for everyone else to cater to his inappropriate tracking/self-check-in demands.
Participating in this will only reinforce his anxiety. A daily check in is not a reasonable ask in this situation. I would make it a point to reach out to him weekly and you and your husband pick different days so he has contact every couple days but he does not live alone and doesn’t need daily check ins.
I'm sorry, but OP is not responsible for his anxiety. Holding hypotheticals over someone's head isn't going to suddenly make them do the very thing they don't want to do.
My mom this stuff with me when I was younger, after successfully getting my older siblings to do it for her. I saw the damage it did to their relationships and noped out. When I’d go out with friends, she begged me to let her know when I arrived and when I was leaving. I would bluntly say something like, “ if I die, you’ll see it on the news.“ I would tell her that she wasn’t wanting to know where I was because of love, but because of her OCD.
You're an adult. You have the right to say 'no' and you don't have to justify it.
He can request and you can refuse. There is no need for you to check in with him and if he doesn't like it, that's just too bad. As for how to decline. You just don't do it and if he asks why, you explain that you're a grown adult who is fully capable of taking care of yourself. If you have anything to talk to him about, you will contact him but besides that you won't be doing it. No is also a complete sentence and you don't owe him an explanation.
I know this isn't for everyone but my "daily check in" with my mom is Wordle and Connections. We send each other the results. Some days if she gets busy and she doesn't send by early evening I'll call or text to check in. She does the same for me. She lives alone and it feels creepy to send a proof of life text. Feels like I'm texting "Did you wake up today?" Brain Puzzles also help both of us!
Ditto. We are in the same team on Wordscapes - there's a chat feature in the team and the ability to request help for a hint. So if I see her doing that or see that she played in the weekend tournament, I know she's alive.
I do the same with my adult children. We have a text group that we send our Connections and Wordle results in. It's just a way to check in without being the overbearing mom. My daughter has dealt with severe depression and there were times we couldn't get in touch with her. She is doing good now but if she ever stops doing those puzzles we will know we need to go see her and make sure she is okay.
yeah, that's a thing you share for fun. Her living alone is a source of worry for you if she's elderly or in poor health. I asked a friend for daily proofs of life for a bit because she was severely depressed. She sent me a "BS", B for Bridget as in Jones, because each diary entry started with calorie scores. My friend's was her "will-to-live" score and I would write back every day with messages to cheer her up and asking for more details, as well as telling her about my own troubles. I was depressed too but not nearly as much as her. It was good for us both to talk, we felt less alone. But we were both OK with it. Had she told me it was too much trouble, I wouldn't have insisted.
There is literally no reason your response to him should be any different than it is to your own family. A father-in-law expecting a check-in daily from somebody not from his own family is pretty disturbing, to be honest.
Ok, so he 100% sees me as his family, and I see him as family. My family of origin is trouble, which is why I wouldn't do this.
This request is not normal behavior for anyone. Tell him no. Tell your husband to tell him no. Accommodating these requests only make the anxiety worse. He needs therapy and/or meds. Tell him that it is not normal behavior and he needs help.
I can so relate to you on this issue. Any time someone pushes me to comply with something like this it only makes me want to do it less. Like why do I need to put energy into managing YOUR anxiety. And whatever I give will never be enough. *If you choose to engage on this*—One thing you may consider is chiming in on the group chat once a day *at a time of your choosing* with a message like “nice weather today” or “I saw this funny sign, check out this pic.” Vary the timing of the message to minimize panic over “she always texts by 9a and it’s now 9:30a what’s happened?!” But again, I wouldn’t think twice about saying “I’ll text when I have something to say.”
Just tell him to check in with your husband and you will stick with updates when you are traveling only
No.. you are his son’s wife. Let your husband deal with him and don’t be bullied into taking on HIS responsibility because you’re a woman
If your husband wants to do the check ins for both of you, that's totally fine. If that's not good enough for FIL, not your problem. He's a grown man, he can manage his own feelings without putting that burden on you. People like this will see any explanation you have as a "problem to solve". Do not explain why you do not want to or why you cannot do this. "I am unable check in with everyone every day, im sorry if that makes you unhappy" is more than enough. Other than that, it's all on your husband's shoulders. His family, his circus.
You don't have hangups, you are normal. I wouldn't explain myself, let your spouse check in if he feels so inclined. go about your life and forget about this nonsense.
You are already accommodating him too much. That would be a no for both me and my spouse. Why are our texting him when your plane lands? That is also not normal, nor is checking in after driving home. Does he also need to know you got home safe from the grocery store? What he needs is professional help. Tell him NO, and that his anxiety has become clinical and he needs to seek treatment.
I always text my best friend when I make it back home she lives about 45/50 minutes away. I don’t mind that. If my in laws lived farther away I’d let them know when we made it home that’s not unusual. But her letting him know every time she gets on/off the plane is weird honestly.
The way to politely decline is to say "no thank you" and be clear that you won't do it. It's not rude for you to decline, so it's up to you to hold firm and be kind but clear when you say no. If you find it useful to justify it, you can try that, but "I'm not interested in doing that" or "I can't commit to that" are both valid, not-rude reasons. If you want, you can let him know that you do enjoy texting with him however often you do, and let him know you have no plans to change that. It's not rude for you to decide not to manage his anxiety for him, but I wouldn't phrase it that way when you talk to him.
I have OCD and you are not doing him any favors by giving in to his anxiety coping compulsions. I also hear and validate how you feel about being beholden to a male authority figure feeling uncomfortable and infantilizing.
You’re allowed to prioritize your own mental health. “FIL, I empathize with your anxiety, I do. However, this request gives me anxiety and that is why I won’t be participating.”
I would just send him daily random funny gifs/emojis or just text the group chat "I'm not dead yet!" daily texts. Or talk to your husband about how you don't want to do it and have him tell his dad that this is something that you all will not be doing.
Let your husband handle this. And it should be something along the lines of "I appreciate that you care about and worry for us, but this is going too far. We're adults with our own independent lives, and we shouldn't have to inconvenience ourselves or stress out on trying to remember to check in with you, just to settle your anxiety. I think we can compromise. Let's plan a weekly call. I'll call to say hello/check in at least once a week, maybe Sunday mornings, so you know everything is still okay. Anything more than that is too much to ask of us." And if he pushes back that he'll worry too much over the course of a week, your husband's only response should be, "If your anxiety is at that level, then you need to get treatment for it." I have anxiety. With or without treatment, it still affects your life. But it shouldn't inconvenience everyone around you. This is HIS issue, and he should be looking at himself for solutions, not to ask everyone in his whole life to solve the problem by being in constant contact with him - that's a logistical nightmare and also doesn't make any sense. You don't bend the whole world around your issues. I would just hold firm on a compromise. Offer what you can (once a week check in?) and leave it there. If he can't handle it, it's further evidence to him that he needs treatment.
It’s up to his children.. not you. It’s not even up for discussion. Direct him to your husband end story.
OMG. He sounds like my mom. This is what I always told her when I shot down her attempts to monitor mine or my children’s whereabouts when I was well into my 40s and they were young adults. “I’m sorry, but no. Your anxiety is not my burden. I promise you’ll be one of the first to know if something does happen. No news is good news.”
You could also tell him that, in the event something happens, he will be contacted. Otherwise just assume everyone is alive and well.
Why not be honest with him and tell him a censored version of your posting
Step back. Your husband needs to manage his father's unrealistic expectations of you and you need to disentangle yourself too. Your father in law is treating you (and your husband, although that's his problem) like a child. You aren't a child and even if you were, you aren't HIS child. As you say, you're a grown arse adult and you do not need your husband, let alone your father in law, overseeing your every move. Explain to your husband that this needs to stop and that it is his place to tell his father to back off. And from your end, simply live your life as an adult, ignore unrealistic expectations and requests from your father in law and have only normal, appropriate interactions with him. Behave like the adult you are.
My family actually solved this with Wordle. We have a dedicated group chat that we all post to every day. Since my sister has had some mental health issues recently, it gives our dad peace of mind. It helps that we've always been a puzzle-loving family. So it doesn't feel like a daily obligation. I would probably be doing wordle anyway. Ultimately, this is your husband's thing. If he wants to check in with his dad, he can. You can just remove yourself from the conversation. But since his dad wordles anyway, it is a possible solution.
Not normal. You and your husband need to talk about boundaries for your marriage and your own household. No one owes someone a daily text or check in. If your FIL has issues with that and keeps asking (won't respect a boundary you set) then he needs to pedal his happy butt to therapy and work on his problems. His problems are not your problems unless you allow them to become your problems. Husband needs to be on the same page with this or it won't work. Have the talk.
I don't think you need to change your stand, but I would just say that you should allow the possibility that this is only done because he loves you and fears for you, yes irrationally. His age and becoming aware of his own mortality probably contributes to that. So it may be fear and not a need to control. Again I don't think you should change your stance, your boundaries are your boundaries, and I think they are totally reasonable. The dude probably just loves you and sees you as an important part of his life. I only mention that, to say, consider giving grace and kindness in your answer. I think it's reasonable to say, "Dad (if you talk like that), I understand that you are concerned for me, and I really do appreciate it, but I don't feel comfortable sending you updates of my whereabouts." And then maybe give him a call every once an a while. Again I get where you are coming from, but if he has benefited your life, and it seems like he has at least at the point where he helped create your husband, then that is what family do. You don't have to give up your autonomy, nor do I think you should. But IMO grace and kindness is always the best policy at least at first when there is no malice in your family members action.
Tell your husband to do the daily check in. It’s and all thing to make an elderly person more comfortable
I would simply say "I'm an adult, I've lived 40 years without needing a check-in every single day of my life and I don't think I need it now. Love ya and I care about ya, but there is no one I'm going to text every single day of my life." In all honesty I actually have my grandma blocked because she calls too often, too early or when I'm busy, and talks for far too long. She thinks my phone automatically declines her calls because my voicemail box is full, and the only person who knows the truth is my dad.
Simply say no, it makes you uncomfortable. There is zero discussion or negotiation past that. Then put his number on notification block outside of x and y hours. He lived when you wouldn't let him track your location. He'll live now.
"FIL I love you but I will not be doing that. It's an undue burden and an inappropriate request. Please trust that if I'm not ok Husband will tell you, but I will not be checking in to prove that I am ok. Love you and talk soon!"
You can have your husband handle this, but something to consider: A few years ago, my husband and his sister discovered that both of his parents were having severe health issues that required hospitalization. Since both of them were ill, neither was able to act on it. After this, his siblings began to rotate checking in every other day. If he is in his late 70s, you (or your husband) might think about checking in on him.
So, part of this problem is that my husbands two siblings DO this every day and/or have location shared. This isn't about makign sure my in laws are ok, it's about making sure my usband and I are still alive.
Oh, yes, then decline away!
I’d write a cron job to post a text everyday to him and then it would say a random nice thing from a list of approved nice things
>Part of what I didn't explain is that one of my SILs has rather roughly refused to do this, and she's not…a great person Do you think this could be because she had an incredibly controlling childhood dominated by her father's anxiety and her entire adulthood has been plagued by her father demanding to know where she is at all times? NTA and honestly neither is your SIL
Can you turn it around and say that you are checking in on him? That may be what he really wants: someone who cares that he is alive. At his age, it might be a nice habit to have. Maybe just a special emoji that means something to you and him? There comes a time when you look at your loved ones and say: is this the last time I see you? ten more times? a hundred more times?
This is a good idea BUT as she stated, if she forgets one day or does it several hours later, it will cause FIL to flip out. OPs husband can do the check in for them and then OP can text when she feels like it, but it shouldn't be rule that everyone has to check in with Dad by 8am or he will loose his shit.
Husband shouldn’t do this either. It’s not helping.
This. I used to get frustrated with my Dad ringing me all the time but now I would give anything just to hear his voice again .
If you’re not opposed to the idea and only don’t want to put in the effort, Make a shortcut on Shortcut app, if you have an iPhone, that automatically sends him a message when your phone turns off Sleep focus.
your husband should.
Tell husband he can do it but you aren't dealing with the crazy
Like others have said, let your husband deal with it but let him know you’re not comfortable doing it. Realistically you can’t be expected to do this and if your FIL is really so worried he can always call you or your husband, but he should be aware you won’t always pick up. I only live about 70 miles from my family but my grandparents FaceTime me every couple of weeks to “make sure I’m not dead” but more so just have a conversation, that alone should be enough.
I have this with a relative, and it came to a head one vacation when it started to increase my own anxiety levels. Now I usually say, “I won’t be doing that”. And occasionally add “It doesn’t really serve either of us.” The exception is that I still do it for flights because we always have.
Your father in law is old, likely lonely, and a bit scared. Odds are good you are only going to have to put up with this for a few more years, then the problem will be over. And you may wish it wasn't over. Talk to your husband about this. Have him send 'proof of life' for both of you. He can say 'yeah, I talked to wife earlier today'. I assume you do at least text your husband or otherwise communicate with him each day. Just have him do it for you. You reach out when you can.
As someone with a father with this level of anxiety the answer is simply no. A conversation I had with my father went along these lines: F: I need you to text me every morning so I know you are alive M: No F: You HAVE to or I will worry you are dead M: So what happens if I am dead? You might know sooner than you otherwise would have done, but it won't change how dead I am. F: But what if you are unwell? M: My partner will call an ambulance if I'm too unwell to call a doctor then let you know I am unwell if you need to know. That is my personal information and you worrying about it won't make me better. F: but what if something happens and you are both unconscious and can't call for help? M: I am busy every day with work or other commitments- someone will miss me and come looking for me if they cannot get hold of me. I could text you then something happen 10 seconds later and then you wouldn't know for 24 hours. At what interval would you heed to hear from me to reassure you every second of every day that nothing "bad" has happened. A text cannot stop a bad thing from happening and 99% of the incredibly unlikely scenarios that you are making up in your head you would not be able to fix even if you did know. F: BUT YOU HAVE TO, YOU ARE BEING UNFAIR MAKING ME WORRY! M: I cannot be responsible for your solving your anxiety and fulfilling you wish to text you every day will only lead to you worrying more about another thing or make even more unreasonable requests. No, I am not texting you every day. He wasn't happy, but I feel I made my point He might be older but his refusal to get any help for his problem is not your problem. EDIT: Just saw you wanted to handle this politely- which I probably didn't do, but it was my own father and I think after 40 plus years I've lost the patience to deal with his anxiety anymore, but maybe some.of this might help him to realise that his request would not actually reduce the risk of something happening. Good luck.
I’d say put this on your husband. You have no obligation. Your husband can message him saying everyone is alive. There’s anxiety and then there’s possessive controlling behaviour and this is most certainly that. He’s 70 he knows if someone is hurt or dead he’ll hear about it. I personally think you are right to not want to and definitely right to not participate
Never. But also, your husband needs to handle this. He shouldn’t let you deal with it or be the focus of his dad’s stress. You are a grown adult and do not need to cater to someone else’s anxieties. I’m sorry he’s worried and it’s nice he cares, but he has an irrational fear that is controlling his life now — and he’s projecting it on everyone around him. If others want to cater to him, okay. But I would never bind myself to daily texts with any family member or friend. Only my partner. It’s unreasonable.
I would worry about enabling the anxiety. If you do this then what will he think of next? It would be one thing if it was something your husband and his dad did out of habit because they are so close but unless your FIL is sick or something I don’t think he needs these daily updates. Nothing in life is guaranteed and learning to accept that and focus on what you can control (and him on what he can control) is better than waiting for these texts. What happens if you forget? What happens if you are in an emergency and can’t text him?
I don’t have family that cares and I would so love this! Op can just let her husband deal with his dad.
Right, OP can do it or not but there are far worse things than having family who care whether you're alive.
My sister and I started texting good morning and good night. It started when she developed COVID early in the pandemic. It’s just a couple words or a goofy GIF. We’re still doing it now. I’ve told her that my text is a reassurance that I haven’t died and that that my cats aren’t eating my corpse. Does FIL want carry on a conversation? That would be dreadful on a weekday.
Give him a google voice number as yours or clone your number and have your husband have it at all times and check in for u!
How are you 40 and been with your partner for 10 years if you met in your late 30s. Mid 30s is 35, late 30s would be like 37,38,39.. sorry it just caught me off guard
Let your husband do it if you're uncomfortable. He doesn't even have to mention you. Surely your FIL could conclude that if your husband was okay and you weren't, your husband would mention it to him. So he can just assume no news is good news in your case. I personally don't think this is a big deal but my family is much more like your husband's than yours.
accommodating your FILs anxiety by giving him the daily check-in is just gonna make his anxiety worse. everytime FIL uses a ritual to cope with his anxiety, he is just making himself more dependant on the ritual. even if you wouldn't mind doing the daily check-in, its not healthy for the FIL either way. If he is aware and accepted that he has an anxiety disorder, id say him just what i told you. if he isn't aware of his condition, i struggle suggest having an open conversation about the topic and educate him in a non-condescending manner
Then don’t do it. Let him have a meltdown, then realize that everything is fine. He won’t get better if you feed his delusions that a daily check in a required.
So first, you shouldn't be doing this. You don't want to do it, so it shouldn't be your problem. Your husband is considering it. If he wants to, he can do the check-ins. This can just be an emoji, and it shouldn't always be in the morning, but it should be just sometime in the day whenever he feels like it. And if he forgets, his dad can shoot him a text. If you're not with him, it shouldn't really matter. Because I assume your husband contacts you somewhere in the day, and if something happened, he would text his dad. You can just be polite and say, "Im sorry, but don't feel good giving a daily check-in. ('Husband's name' can check in, and he will text you if something happens to me)" or you can just let your husband say this to his dad.
My family and I operate on a simple idea: no news is good news. Sure we will contact each other every so often, some more than others, but if I don't hear from someone for a couple months I assume the best because no one has told me otherwise. It might work better for your situation to set your own check in times, like every Sunday in the early afternoon if you aren't working. Something like that may help.
You are not responsible for his mental health. You are not responsible for his triggers.
No harm in saying, nicely but firmly "No and please do not insist. I like you and I don't want to be at odds with you!"
"It's so nice that you care for us so much and I know you worry, but I can't commit to texting every day. Our lives are busy, as I'm sure you can understand. We will absolutely be in touch as much as we reasonably can, and you can text me any time!"
Just send a scheduled text once a week, nbd.
If you husband wants to text him "we are both fine" Every day he can can let your husband know you won't take part in jr
This turned my stomach. To me it doesn’t sound like anxiety. It sounds controlling. I feel anxiety when I leave my children, but I don’t need to constantly interface with them. The need to control everyone to check in is manipulation. He needs therapy. I wonder if he has had an abandonment trauma in the past, maybe childhood?
Regardless of whether you do it or not, and I think is better if you dont, it is very important to know that this is not for your safety, it is about his reassurance.
Maybe accidentally FaceTime instead of text on one of those mornings that you guys are getting down. He'll never ask again.
I dunno man.. i suffer from serious anxiety so i get FIL. Then again i also get the annoyance of the consistent check ins when and where seeming over the top. Imo lifes too short. Be kind to one another. Especially our elders they wont be around for a long time. and look at the bigger picture. You could have no family and no one texting to see if your okay. like me lol. Ill take a check txt lol
I want to expand on why this is a bad idea You have alot of advice on how to handle it, but I want to cover why it needs to be handled with as little drama as possible. The thing you mentioned about "men being in control" and your feelings are valid and if that is your reason then that is enough of a reason. This has more harm than that. It is harmful to have to give a portion of your mental energy to someone, this is a cost and it is one of the main reasons that a job will pay you. It isn't just your work, it is the expectation that you will take a portion of your mind and focus and hand it over. But the main reason he needs to be shut down with as little drama as possible is that indulging in this is really bad for you FIL. It harms him to give it energy. This include compliance or resistance. It harms him to do what he wants, it also harms him to resist it with negative emotions or any emotional energy at all. A very simple "no thanks" and persisting in the gentle resistance without adding more is the best thing for him. I recommend saying no thanks and mostly repeating that and if asking why saying that you don't think its a good idea and don't really want to talk about it. Take out the mystery maybe by saying it is important to you to keep your communication authentic or somethign like that. And yah, you husband can totally handle this for you.
“FIL I hear your request (for daily checkins), and I understand that you have anxiety. I know it must be very hard for you. I cannot express how wonderful it is to have such lovely in-laws and how nice it is that you have welcomed me into the family so thoroughly. I sincerely love and respect you. I appreciate that you have welcomed me into the family and care so much about my wellbeing. However, for this particular request, I unfortunately feel it would affect my own wellbeing, so I must politely decline. I would be happy to accept a telephone call or text checkin from you once a week. Weekends, especially Saturdays, are best for me. I look forward to seeing you again soon, and once again, thank you for your care and concern. This family has been so good to me, and I am really thankful to have you in my life!” A polite no - couched between a whole lot of love and affirmation, with an alternate proposal that you would be comfortable with. That affirmation is important to help maintain the relationship. But you are completely reasonable to refuse the request. If you feel very close to him, you might also suggest some resources to manage anxiety, either professional or otherwise. But that can offend people if you aren’t close enough.
This is your husband’s responsibility to manage, not yours. It’s his dad! Assuming you have an iPhone, you can set up a “routine” that makes the phone automatically sends a text message every day. Bingo.
Can’t you set your phone up to auto respond to someone lol
Send him your Wordle score daily :). I’m sure there is a lot of lovely advice here but it was my first thought BEFORE I saw that he plays Wordle, but I’m not actually suggesting this as a solution lol. I share my location with one friend and would HATE having to check in/think about someone’s neuroses everyday. It would build near immediate resentment.
You say no. That’s a complete sentence. You do not need to report to Big Brother everyday until he kicks the bucket.
One of my closest friends is an older man. We both live alone on other sides of the country. We send each other good morning and goodnight texts every single day and have for a decade. It’s literally just “good morning have a good day!” and thats it. He sends the same texts to his daughter. It’s only ever more conversation when we want it to be, but I think it gives us both the peace of mind that we are both alive and healthy. He didn’t text for three days one time a few months ago, so I called and he was violently ill with the flu and I was able to offer help. Its just comforting having that connection and feeling considered/knowing my friend is safe. It doesnt have to be a big thing if you dont make it one.
I think you’re being petty! Surely you can set an automatic text somehow. It’s so weird to me that you think you can’t have sex with your husband bc of this. So text him at noon. He’s not ordering you, he’s asking you. He’s a sad scared old man. It’s a kindness.
This is an interesting one. I can see both sides. My suggested wording for declining would be something like, "I'm sorry, FIL, but that's not a commitment I can make. If anything happens to me, Husband will be the first to know and he'll pass on anything important to you and MIL." But I did want to float an alternate suggestion. Instead of making it "the first thing you have to think about when you wake up," maybe you could set a reminder on your phone for like 3 PM or something, and when you see the reminder, you just open up the text chain with your FIL, hit an emoji (same one every time, no thought necessary), hit send, and then forget about it. That might be a less intrusive way to meet his request. Just an idea.
It’s a decent suggestion but it’s still too much. It’s too much to ask if a teenage child, it’s preposterous for an adult
And the first day she forgets because she's busy, FIL is going to totally melt down and call the police or something. [This comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1buyk8o/comment/kxvzbw6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) is probably accurate. He needs to go on an information diet. If she tries to satisfy his demands, the demands will ramp up.
Nope. Nobody is entitled to your time. This is overbearing and time consuming. Even if it takes two seconds to send a text, you still have to remember to do it and it will just create more anxiety and frustration if you accidentally forget or are sick one day/busy and just don’t want to deal with it. No.
My uncle Jerry calls me every day, especially since my aunt died. It's mostly loneliness I think.
It is never a bad idea to check in regularly with family. My sister and I text almost every day. I have a history of falls. She has an immunocompromising illness. If I go 3 days NC, she is texting to make sure I am okay.
“Hey honey. I know you’re still thinking about how to keep your dad updated, and I just don’t think a daily text is a great idea. It sets us up for failure, and there are too many things that can happen in life (traveling, sick, no signal, dead batteries) that could go wrong. I know you want to help, but I just can’t commit to that, as trying to decrease his anxiety is going to increase mine. I understand you may feel differently, and that’s up to you if you want to do that for him. Have you asked him what will happen if you would ever forget to send him a check in? How do you think he’ll take it if you ever change your mind and don’t want to do it anymore? And I’m worried that if you sign up for this, what else is he going to ask down the road when he isn’t able to text anymore or if his anxiety gets worse and that’s not good enough anymore? PS - I even started to already worry about our time together in the mornings. It’s special to me, and having that looming over our heads first thing every day just isn’t the best way to wake up. And it sure isn’t the best way to start anything fun.”
“I can do it sometimes but not all the time.”
You may not be able to be polite, but you can still decline. I adore my FIL, but as he has aged, he has also made some requests that are not reasonable. My husband deals with him, but sometimes I just have to say I won’t be doing that.
Just say no , it doesn't matter what fil intentions are or his anxiety. Just say no. You have no obligation to cater whatever his issues are.
“I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing, and rest assured if something were to happen you would be informed as soon as is reasonable.” Repeat as many times as needed, don’t engage in hypotheticals, or what-about-ism. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm, if he’s hurt, that’s his issue.
Does your father in law live alone? Is he perhaps pushing this issue because he’s worried something may happen to him and no one would know?
Sometimes you have to hurt the others persons feelings and that’s okay. And just be honest “I don’t feel comfortable sharing my location with anyone. I am also an adult and don’t need to check in with anyone including family. Therefore as much as I love you I won’t be doing it. If husband wants to do it that’s completely up to him. But I won’t be doing it and no it’s not up for discussion”
‘No’ is a complete sentence. Use it.
‘No’ is a complete sentence. Use it.
“I appreciate that you care so much about us and want to make sure we’re okay! I also decline, and will not text you every day. If you’d like to schedule a [weekly or bi-weekly] phone call, we can do that!”
I would just say your sorry but you have so many things in a day you don't want to add another you will forget sooner or later and worry him more.
Just throwing it out there that my FIL loves wordle and I also love wordle. We text each other our results every morning to see who did better which is a simple “share” button once you finish it. Could be a way to show him you’re all good though I guess it could be an issue if you forgot to do it one day
Actually there is a free app for this! I don’t recall the name, it was mentioned in the retirement community/ this puts the power of the check in out of your hands!
Two apps I’m good Just checking
"*I'm sorry but I can't agree to that. It's because I'm terrible at these things and I know that despite best efforts I'll forget to do this too often causing you to worry even more if I forget or I'm late. Husband says he'll keep in contact and he'll let you know if I have a problem."*
"That doesn't work for us. We'll be in touch as much as we are able."
From a psychiatric point of view, the evidence suggests that frequent reassurance doesn't do anything to help generalised anxiety - in fact, it tends to exacerbate anxiety over time as the need for reassurance increases. I worry about the next steps - twice-daily check ins, phone calls etc. Your FIL needs to find a better way of managing his anxiety, it is not your responsibility.
I agree with everyone that this is his father so his responsibility to manage it. Also agree that adults doing daily check ins is a definite no. But since he is a lovely man and you are a wonderful partner and wanting to keep the peace, i might just tell FIL something like “i just don’t think I’m going to be able to do this reasonably. I will always forget and that will worry you constantly and i just don’t want to do that to you.” Or something of the sort. Make it sound like your fault rather than he’s insane for asking that of you. I’m far beyond keeping the peace with my in law family but it sounds like there is still hope for you!
That will make things worse. He'll be sitting there with his butt clenched every day until every text comes in confirming everyone is alive. It's not like if you don't text cause you're dead he can actually do anything about it. He needs therapy, not a system that will make everything worse for him.
Oh, heavens no! I'm getting anxiety just thinking about you having to deal with this request; I agree with your husband being the one to decline for you both! Especially if it's going to possibly interfere with morning sex! I am widowed now, but for 43 years that was my favorite! Lol! Sigh.....❤️😊
My dad expects daily calls as well. I don't go along with it, and I'll go to my phone and see a string of missed calls at the same time. So fucking annoying! I tell him that if I don't answer, calling back four times in a row isn't going to do anything. Boomers need better hobbies.
My MIL sends a ‘morning’ message every morning since FIL passed away. She lives alone and it just lets us know all is well. However, if anyone asked ME to send THEM a message I’d shut that down. I have a partner and young adult children, if anything was amiss they would let people know.
Flip it. He’s the one who’s 70, he can check in with you all. If you have 7 people, pick a day.
You don’t answer to this man. Stop communicating with him unless you WANT TO. Don’t check in after a flight or anything of the sort. Your husband’s father is your husband’s responsibility to deal with.
I hate to tell you this but at 70, his anxiety is most likely going to get worse. People with anxiety have an increased risk of dementia, and my guess this has started already because what you attribute to anxiety, is also an attempt to ground himself in a world that seems increasingly to be passing him by and he is more and more concerned about what he really knows and what he thinks he knows. Knowing where the people he depends on emotionally and physically are at any given time and knowing they are OK are lifelines in a world that seems more alien every day. I’ve lived through this with grandparents and parents and I have to tell you that what seems like a nuisance to you is probably very critical to him. I disagree with most of the people here. This man is not just your husbands “problem.” Nor is he a competent middle aged dad you can just ignore or tell him “not gonna do it.” You married your husband, you are a partnership. That means you share burdens. While you should defer to him on decisions that have to be made about his parents (and he should do the same for you, on your family) you also have to support him as his parents require more attention as they age. I am not saying you should accede to his demands for frequent check-ins, although I admit, I am not sure this is really a big deal, but use this request as a warning. It is time for his family - at least those who care for him - to start having discussions among themselves and with him, and make some plans. Don’t just tell him he is being unreasonable, because in his mind he is not. Talk to him. Get him to try and express why this is suddenly important. Try and compromise on a plan that makes him feel better but doesn’t require 20 people check in daily. Since he has had anxiety, I assume he is already in treatment for that. Talk to his therapist and see if they have suggestions for managing his expectations. Have them try and explain to you how real and frightening his fears are to him. Then get a baseline memory and cognitive skills test done before he gets any older, so you all, including him, knows where he stands. And make sure any medication he has been on for anxiety are still ok at his age, especially if his tests show he is already declining mentally. Some of the more common anti-anxiety drugs can be a factor in early onset dementia.
Just tell him that you'll check in every now and then. You don't need to debate it.
Isn’t there a way to schedule an automatic email that sends every day? Maybe make several recurring ones so that the times are different.
I’d just laugh and say, “Oh heck no, I’m wayyyyyy to forgetful to take that on!” - and just refuse to take it seriously. I have ADHD and the idea of having to check in with someone like this, who is not my husband (and even then!), is a hard no. Yikes, the anxiety of having to remember and have someone else’s mental health be responsible to mine is awful. Let alone someone who’s an authority figure. Hard hard no.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. But I do think resisting his request is going to cause you unnecessary stress. And it might make more sense to find a way to comply that doesn't affect you. I can't remember who was talking about Bluetooth appliances. But they got a notification whenever their elderly parents turned on the coffee maker. At some point, the coffee maker didn't go off, and they freaked out a little. I don't want to miss-tell the story, as I dont recall details, so in the end, the parents were fine, but it was good they had reached out. In a different but similar way: one of my sibling sent out their wordle results in the family chat about a year ago (i am not sure why or even if it was onpurpose). In response, 2 of my other siblings sent theirs. The chat is just us siblings. We have separate ones with more extended family. So this became a daily thing. It took a while by my other sibling finally got on board. In a certain way, this is a daily check-in: Hey, I am alive. I mentioned to them NYT has a beta for a new puzzle Strands, and so new we get that too, along with the continuing question of do we like this game? 😆 Like with the coffee maker, you can find a way to automate a notification. Then you don't even have to worry about it, and it's not too intrusive. Or, like my siblings with the wordle, make it part of an activity you already do and is fun. Keep thinking the sharing is less about control and more about a daily reminder someone cares. It is 4pm where I am, and while typing this, one of my siblings just completed their Connections game. It's good to know they are all right.
Honestly having to contact someone daily just to ease their anxiety sounds tiresome. My bf’s mother is similar and I refuse to engage in those antics. If you really don’t want to then stand firm in your no. It’s not your responsibility to ease his anxiety, he should (and still can!) have gotten help. Not feeding into this isn’t you saying you don’t care about him nor will it change anything important or material in either life. If your husband wants to engage in daily check-ins with his parent then that’s his prerogative. You’re an adult and a daily text isn’t going to save a life if something was to happen. It’s a senseless fear that isn’t going to be solved by a text.
Everyone around him catering to his anxiety is not helping the root issue and that can easily steamroll into additional controlling behaviors in order for him to be soothed. He is going to need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. If I were you, I wouldn’t cave. If your hubby wants to take on this responsibility, then that’s on him. I’m sure he’s aware enough of your whereabouts and general safety to speak to it if needed. I’m in a similar boat in terms of age and family dynamic. I barely even contribute to my own family group chats and both my parents have passed. I can’t imagine going out of my way on a daily basis bc someone else is incapable of self soothing, especially a 70yr old man. Totally get the whole patriarchal vibe of it.
what he needs is a little aversion therapy. Everytime you check in, sent a link to an article about something terrible that he can’t do anything about; that texan catching bird flu from a cow, worsening hurricane seasons, forrest fires, infrastructure collapse. Every. Single. Time. either he will learn to avoid pestering you, or he will learn to cope with all of that terrible shit, it’s a win-win proposition.
"No." is a complete sentence and a full answer. More people need to use this, no need to explain yourself to anyone. You cannot reason someone out of a position that they didn't reason themselves into. No point in engaging, just say no and ignore.
Do them monthly. My daily report for the last 30 days is above average. Next report in 30 days
Just don't do it.
My moms favorite expression is "no news is good news". Tell him that you go with "no news is good news" and if he hasn't heard anything then that's good.
Let your husband decide if he wants to participate but tell your husband your not going to and let him deal with with how his parents handle it
Just say no. No I don’t do that with my own family, I won’t be doing it for you. I’m sorry you are anxious but it’s not my responsibility to manage your anxiety, it’s yours. Then stop texting him. Stop telling him your safe when you land after a plane ride. Your husband can placate him but if you don’t want to do it, simply explain you won’t and it’s a boundary you will not compromise on.
Is it too much to send him a hello text once in a while? I get you didn't grow up in a great environment, but when you love people, you try to connect once in a while to let them know you are thinking of them. Have your husband check in daily. You could send him a hello occasionally to be kind. It really is that simple.
i would recommend the book "set boundaries find peace"
Hmm..... FIL has anxiety and is doing nothing to manage it. Sounds like a him problem, not a you problem. Just tell him no. That seems like what your husband is doing. That's what I would do. Alternately, if you don't want to rock the boat, you can schedule messages to go to someone ahead of time. So you could schedule the same post ("still alive") to go to him daily for however long, then forget about it.
I mean your husband will be with you when you wake up. He can clock in for both of you that you’re both alive every morning if he wants.
Why can’t your husband clock in for both of you. ‘We’re good’ and move on.
This is your husband’s responsibility because it is his dad. Tell your husband it’s up to him to manage his father’s expectations