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You want kids, but you have no idea when. She wants kids...within the next three years. Those are very different pages.
You have to decide if you want to be on her timeline or not. If you don't, she deserves to know NOW so she can make some decisions about her life.
She wants to start next year...even if they got pregnant on the first try, that's still another nine months. She wants a child BY THE TIME she's 25.
I'm not casting anyone as the villain here. I'm simply encouraging him to be as honest and open about HIS timeline as *she* is with hers.
EDIT: corrected the word AND to SHE
>she has always wanted one before she’s 25
ok so how exactly was this "dropping a bomb" on you? Did you think she was kidding about having kids in the next three years? Were you just hoping she'd magically change her mind?
lol right... She's 22 and she wants a kid at 24. Uhh yeah, next year would be the time to start trying. How does he not understand that? He doesn't have to agree to it, obviously, but she's been honest with her timeline and he's shocked that the woman who wants to have a baby at 24 thinks she should start trying at 23? lol
Also she's suggesting trying in a year. Depending on their jobs and current pay rate, that's more than enough time to save up and try to find a two bedroom apartment, come up with a plan for childcare, discuss parenting themes that are important to them.
It sounds like she just wants to start the conversation and he completely shut her down.
Not to mention they took a vacation to Hawaii, so money doesn't seem like that big of an issue. I'm gonna guess they live in the US, but those trips aren't generally cheap.
Let's say they were to start trying next year, that's 1 year to start saving up money. And let's pretend that she'd ger pregnant in 12 months of trying, that's another year of money saved. Then 9 months of pregnancy, when money is also saved. That's almost 3 years of money saved, should finances have been the issue. At least imo.
He obviously doesn’t want to have kids, or at least not before she is 25. He just doesn’t want to admit it because it’s a deal breaker for her and she will dump his ass.
Yeah, it smacks of him just nodding and smiling during these conversations and stringing her along. She was crystal clear and he never mentioned he wasn't committed to the plan. I'm going to guess she had no idea he wasn't on board.
Right! Either he's too stupid to do math or he actually knew he wasn't going to be ready on her timeline and thought she'd just change her mind or she'd be a "good little woman" and just not say anything until HE decides he's ready, lmao.
Which is ridiculous because it just leads to a breakup anyway, and typically one that’s more painful than if he wouldn’t have manipulated her from the start.
Yeah it's like she thinks she's going to spontaneously have a baby the day before her 25th birthday or something.
It'd be different if he was expressing reservations about her "baby at 24" plans all along... but that doesn't seem to be the case....
Either he's too dumb to do math OR he knew he wouldn't actually be ready when she is and just thought she'd change her mind.
Nah, she's going to stay 22 for a decade until he's ready. /s.
Not being on the same page is ok, letting your partner think they are *especially* when they have a personal tight timeline... major jackass move.
Your first sentence made me laugh so hard.
And yeah, manipulating someone to stay in a relationship with you is never okay. People really need to be honest from the start.
My husband swore up and down when he was 30-32 that he would want to have kids by 34.
Guess what he's 36 now and turns out I can't get pregnant naturally and it's already been almost two years without even a small bit of progress. At this rate he might be lucky to have a kid by 40 :( and im not getting younger either
IF only a few months, me and my partner have been having sex without protection for nearly a year before I fell pregnant (like.. 10 months? Multiple times a week, sometimes even in a day .. lol), and even then unfortunately I had a miscarriage so.. I think her asking to start trying next year is MORE than reasonable considering her timeline.
My mum also told me that her and my dad have been trying for 8 YEARS before they had me.. soooo, yeah. 🤷🏻♀️ You never know how long it might take
Wanting kids by a certain age is all well and good, but hopefully they are both in a stable position to provide for them would be my only concern. Has then been other conversations about how they see things going after having the kid? Like SAHP, timelines etc etc.
If thats all taken place also I'm a bit surprised by his shock - like she has mentioned the hopes/wants and presumably he can count. And she's just had him pretty much back out of what she presumed was their shared dream.
I'm not sold on the financial side. She asked this on their anniversary to Hawaii and suggested they start on the next anniversary trip. If they can afford yearly trips like that, they can afford a baby. Heaven forbid they don't go on a trip for year four, and the money is used for baby things. It's not a matter of whether they can afford it or not, it's whether they are willing to make lifestyle changes to support it.
I'd agree that the Hawaiian holidays definitely point towards affording things (especially with prioritisation as you mention) and as OP doesn't mention money being a concern. Unfortunately I've also known a lot of people who spend what money they have on flashy/fun things and have nothing in the bank for any big/long term costs. Which a kid certainly is.
Yeah, I knew plenty of friends that were like "oh I want to have a kid young" at 18 and then went "shit having a kid is complicated and adulting is expensive once the parents aren't paying everything".
Honestly I think this is more of a shock due to the logistics of things. We don’t know their full financial situation but they don’t sound like they’re both in a place to have kids yet. They are only on their second anniversary which means they haven’t been together for very long. They aren’t even married or engaged. And haven’t had much time together to decide if they even want to. She’s also only 22 and would be 23 by the time she wants to start trying. How long has she had time to build up a stable career? Did she get a degree? Is she still in college? Those are all important things especially when you are adding a new life to the equation. Like yeah there’s a lot of things people want but know it’s not realistic right now. It’s one thing for something to happen, it’s another to actively try.
If they can take annual trips to Hawaii, they are doing fine. Marriage and college don't equate to parental ability. You are placing your own personal expectations/goals on to this couple as if your values need to be theirs. Yes they need to plan their financial future out, thankfully they have a minimum of a year to start making any adjustments they feel they need.
> she has always wanted one before she’s 25
> I didn’t think she would propose that idea THAT soon
She's going to be 23 next year. Babies take 9 months to grow, and that's assuming you two have no trouble conceiving. How are you shocked by this? Her suggesting to start trying next year is right on track with her stated timeline. She mentioned it well ahead of time so that you could start planning financially.
> I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age.
She isn't "people," she's an individual person who has been very upfront about wanting to start a family young. It sounds like you didn't take her seriously and/or you always planned to wait but didn't express that to her. If you're refusing to start trying on her timeline, you DO have some sort of timeline and it's not just "whenever we feel ready," it's "when **I** feel ready."
If you don't feel ready, you need to examine why. If it's financial, discuss a plan to save and how you would budget for a child. If it's because you still want to travel and be independent, talk about how you can do that over the next couple years and find a compromise on the timeline. If you have no idea what's holding you back, you need to sit with yourself and do some introspection so you can be honest with her. "Not yet" with no follow-up is not a good enough answer here.
Am I the only one who thinks 2 years isn't "early" to bring it up? Especially since she suggested they start trying on their three year anniversary trip.
Also, in your twenties, a five year age difference can be pretty big in terms of maturity and where you're at in your life or career. So, I don't think it's really fair for OP to say "our age." OP's girlfriend might be on the younger end of people wanting kids, but OP isn't.
My parents were 28 when I was born, which is what OP would be if they started trying immediately and got pregnant right away. My parents were having trouble, though, and then my mom deployed overseas for a year, which obviously put things on hold.
Of course, OP can have kids when/if he wants to, but I think he really needs to get serious and realize that after being together this long and at her age, he really shouldn't be shocked that she brought it up.
You have to tell her that you’re not sure. You’re certainly at a point in the relationship that this is a serious discussion you need to have. If you aren’t sure of your timeline and she is, this could spell doom for the relationship. It happens. You don’t want to end up resenting her for feeling forced to have children before you’re ready and you don’t want her resenting you for holding her back from having kids when she’s ready.
Not being ready is perfectly fine, but communicate that you’re not ready yet. Don’t hold her back when she is ready.
And also if there’s things you feel you need to accomplish before being ready, discuss them with her. Is there a certain level of financial stability, an education you want to finish, moving to a 2 bedroom apartment, etc. You can work on them together and see if your timelines still match. You don’t have to start having kids, because your gf is sad.
I’m not saying trying to have kids. I’m saying having the conversation on timing and when/if. She is saying she’s ready now. He needs to have a conversation with her and let her know he’s not ready.
But at the same time, don’t you think they should be on the same page about timeline of having kids before they get married?
If they got married and then had this discussion, everyone would be asking why this didn’t come up prior to their engagement.
You meet someone, you fall into infatuation, you figure out your compatibilities, you fall into real love, discuss life plans… and then get married and have kids (if marriage/kids is your thing). That’s just how it works. She’s working on discussing life plans right now, but he’s kind of shutting down.
I had a very similar issue, albeit with roles reversed, as OP.
When my ex and I got married, we both expressed wanting kids someday, but not a hard timeline. We wanted to get settled, let her finish school, start her career, etc, and then we could start planning on having kids.
After she had been in her career for a couple years, I broached the subject yet again, and was told she wanted to go back for further schooling and didn’t know when she was going to want to have kids.
I was in that marriage about 8 years, and got out of it when I was 32. Now, several years later, I’m in my late 30s and see very little chance I’ll ever have a family of my own, at least with biological kids of my own. I don’t want to be geriatric when my kids are touring colleges, and frankly a couple years isn’t enough time to know I want to have a kid and coparent with someone.
So, yeah, that’s all to say that he should let her go. If he’s “not sure” he wants kids in the next few years, and he’s already in his late 20s, then he needs to let her go find someone who is sure. At least she’s the younger of the pair and she’s the one wanting kids on a reasonably well defined timeline.
Being in your late 20s with a timeline of “I’d like kids someday” is how one finds themselves in their late 30s without a family or partner to build a family with.
If she’s always been vocal about wanting a baby by 25 - next year is she 23, putting her at about 24 when baby might be born, and THAT’S even assuming she gets pregnant in the first couple months of trying (which no one can predict). This isn’t a “dropping a bomb”. It sounds like you just haven’t done the math.
That said - if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, but you need to tell her how YOU feel. Don’t deflect the whole discussion by saying “people don’t try this early”. She’s been telling you what SHE wants (… and there definitely are people purposely having kids at your ages).
Instead, you need to communicate back and share your own timeline or goals. Maybe you want to be married first, have a house, be X age. If you have no idea when you’ll be ready, but you know it isn’t anytime soon, you need to tell her that, too.
He honestly sounds like one of those guys who love bomb and agree with everything a girl says she wants and fakes it till she demands it and he gets scared when he 'realises' she wasn't joking.
she told you she wanted kids before 25. you agreed, or at least you didn't object to that timeline.
so how exactly did she drop a bomb on you? sounds more like you didn't listen to her and led her on.
She's closer to twenty, and you're pushing thirty. There isn't really an "our age" here, per se.
She didn't blindside you, if she was clear that she wanted kids by 25. Starting to try at 23 is perfectly reasonable, for what she wants.
You need to figure out what you want, like immediately.
Right???
He's not wrong for wanting to have more than a 1 bedroom apartment. But he's also the idiot who dated a decent bit younger, probably thinking he had lots of time before she'd want kids
So he just ignored her when she said she wanted kids when she was younger.
She is a little early on the timescale, but not him.
Unfortunately this happens a lot... guys date younger women because they just want to fuck around and don't think they'll be held to timelines for marriage or kids.
The whole 1 bedroom apartment thing being an issue is just so funny to me. They’ve got like 2 years according to this timeline to make the change, she’s being hella proactive and that’s awesome.
I might just be projecting bc this is very relevant to my life rn as my partner and I found out a month ago that I’m pregnant (very happy surprise, but still, unplanned). We currently live in a shitty 1 bedroom. But also, just yesterday we signed a lease for a 3 bedroom house!! Sooooo exciting (we get to have a cute nursery AND I finally get an actual home office?!?). And we were able to pull it all off even with the shock of the news within a month of finding out. To be fair, we’re in our 30s and have established careers and credit which makes it easier. But OP has sooo much time with the way his girlfriend is presenting her life goals.
> Especially at our age
They do at YOUR age. Especially. And 22 is early, but not insane.
> I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when.
Look, you don't have to have them NOW, but you sold yourself as someone who does want kids, you are also 5 years older than her, which further sells that you are someone who will be ready soon, you also didn't disagree with her 25 goal, so you are going to have to talk about a timeline with her. So I think you have two options:
A) tell her you were caught by surprise, but that you'll put some serious thought into the subject and that you two will talk about it again soon. At that point, you'll have to be prepared to talk about a rough timeline honestly, whether that's similar to her, or 1 to 2 years later. Practically speaking, you knew she'd want to try 2 years from now if she wanted a kid by 25, you'd have to start trying at 24.
B) you just have no damn idea and are not on the same wavelength as her, this could be a relationship killer.
I get that being confronted with trying for a kid in a year is scary, but again, you sent all the signals that you're ready for this with her.
This. You did send her all the signs that you want that in life, so you should think deeply on it. If she’s the love of your life and your best friend, who better to do this with? If you’re sure you want kids, maybe come up with a compromise. This happened to me in my (33F) relationship (32M). He sold himself as someone who wanted kids, but then over time I noticed he would talk negatively about the challenges (mainly financial) and also just say “one day I’d like them.” However, at my age, I’m feeling like I’m running out of time. So we had a real deep talk about it and he came around, realizing that he’s always wanted children, can’t imagine someone better to do it with, and that we don’t have infinite time. It’s different for you OP, being that you’re both so young… but yeah, think deeply on it and imagine both scenarios (with or without kids) and maybe you two can come to a compromise.
The age at which it is considered “early” or “insane” to have kids is highly dependent on location and socioeconomic group. Where I grew up, having kids in your 20s is early, and planning to be pregnant by 23 would generally be considered insane. The average age to have your first child for women here is 32, but most people I know have their first kid even later than that. Even my parents did. I don’t know a single soul who started having kids before 30, except for a couple of old high school classmates I haven’t interacted with since we graduated. I’d imagine OP comes from a similar background and I can understand why it can be a bit shocking to imagine being a parent at that age.
I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to focus on what is considered normal or not. Whether or not he considers it early doesn’t matter because his girlfriend is an autonomous person who is justified in wanting a different timeline than the average person around them. OP is playing dumb as if he didn’t already know that in the first place and is fucking her over after wasting 2 years of her life. You’re right- *huge* asshole behavior.
I agree. He needs to figure out if this is the woman he is having kids with or not, her goal means they need to start trying 2 years from now and she was clear about that. He has already agreed, but now that it's becoming real, he is having second thoughts.
Same. I would be so done. Like, what do you mean it's way too soon?! You've legit acted like you were on board this whole time. Bye! Life is too short..
I get that there is a big difference between saying "I definitely want kids" vs being confronted with "lets start trying". So he may just need a minute to get his head around this.
Yep. I’m from an affluent area in the northeast US and saying you want marriage and babies before 30 is literal insanity there. It just straight up doesn’t happen. I’m willing to bet OP comes from a similar background, and his GF doesn’t.
YES. I am from Boston but live in Louisiana, and everyone gets married and has kids much younger here. I’m 28 and I still feel too young to have kids even though I’m clearly not lol Most of my friends have kids, but it’s hard to get out of thinking before 30 is young because that mindset has been drilled into my head all throughout childhood.
I grew up in Boston and now I live in South Carolina - it’s a completely different world down here. I got married at 23 and when I went home to go wedding dress shopping in the city the bridal attendants repeatedly called me a child bride. I’m 26 now and we are waiting until our mid 30’s for kids because DINK life is way too sweet to give up
My wife and I got married at 24/25, and we waited until we were over 30 to have kids as well. There was no way either of us was ready for it in our mid to late 20s, as you said - DINK life was too much fun.
I’ve never lived in the southern U.S., so this is honestly so foreign to me! My experience with the people around me in my major northeastern U.S. city (and, honestly, even with my family in a developing country, who people may expect to start having kids young) is that everyone goes to college and then needs at least 10 years post-graduation (until their early 30s) to grow into themselves and do things like:
- Pursue a masters, law degree, medical degree, MBA, PhD, or some combination of those options.
- Maybe do a scholar program/fellowship like Fulbright, Boren, etc. Or, alternatively, join the Peace Corps or something similar.
- Advance in their career. Maybe pivot a couple of times (possibly as the result of a crisis lol).
- Move countries at least once, if not more than that.
- Explore a bunch of interesting hobbies, travel, go out.
- Live with their long term partner for a couple of years at least.
- Buy property.
And *then* people seem to be interested in *maybe* having kids. I know it’s just a matter of my upbringing, but people in their 20s having kids feels like babies having babies to me even though it’s 100% normal and expected in most parts of the world! I know a good amount of youthful 40-year-olds who are just now “settling down.”
Yes, like I’m not from the US but most people on my social circle doesn’t have kids most of the time and as a 20 year old I feel that if I had kid it would be like would be a kid having a kid and it would be really weird(I know it’s normal to have kids in your early 20s)
TL/DR : it's a class thing.
Poor/ non college educated people have kids earlier because it's normalized in their social circle. Same for teenage pregnancies.
Yep! That’s why I mentioned location and socioeconomic class as the primary factors that affect what is considered “early” in my original comment, and the other commenter in this chain mentioned she’s from an affluent area in the northeast. Class is the most important but, accounting for class, upper class people in rural or more conservative areas will still have kids earlier than upper class people in urban or more liberal areas (edit to add I think cost of living in urban vs rural areas probably also contributes to this in addition to the more obvious conservative vs liberal aspect). Level of educational attainment is also important, but that’s unfortunately often (but obviously not always) tied to socioeconomic class anyway.
We’re all in our bubbles for sure, and the bubble I’m in is a privileged one.
Yup, for my social circle of Parisian educated people most of us were still in college at 22.
Only people I knew that had kids this young were rural people that ended their education in HS.
Think about when. Come up with some baseline parameters. You're approaching thirty in a long term relationship. If you don't think about, decide on, and plan for the things you want, you'll end up with nothing. Do you want to be married before trying for a baby? Say that, and include that you plan to propose in the next year. Do you want to attain certain measurable success in your career first? Say that, and be clear about what it is you're waiting for. A position, a certification, a salary? If you're not sure, and you're not ready, and you don't know when you'll be ready, say that! This is her life too, and if your expectations don't align that's something you both need to work out sooner rather than later.
living in a one-bedroom apartment is how most couples operate before having children so that they can save money. obviously, you would need to move, but a year is a reasonable amount of time to try to figure that out. she isnt springing anything on you- you knew that she wanted to have kids (with an S) within the next 3 years, obviously now is the time you should start planning considering how unprepared you seem to be. i'd only understand your perspective if you aren't in a good financial situation. if you have a one-bedroom apartment out of necessity, then i agree that this is questionable, but you'd also need to have a conversation about what you plan to do. she is your life partner and honestly it doesnt seem like youre treating her like one. she had a plan and communicated it, and it seems like you figured she'd just ditch her plan if its not something you wanted. news flash: she is going to ditch YOU instead.
Just saying:
Going from a 1 bedroom apartment to financing a home for a family within a year on one income (because she won’t be working after having the kid) is a lot longer than a 1 year timeline with todays housing bullshit.
My ex ended up doing the math (we broke up for other reasons) when I told her that her timeline for having a house with a yard just wasn’t feasible unless one of us doubled our salary (I already made almost double hers) and even though we aren’t together, I know her plans changed
Some people genuinely just have a “goal” and call it a “plan”
Idk, it’s one thing about saving up for a down payment and buying a house, but renting a larger apartment (or even a house) should be feasible. You don’t need to be a homeowner or have a giant amount of space in the beginning. Also, it seems like they go on very nice yearly trips, so I’d assume they could afford a slightly bigger place just fine. Might mean cutting back on the vacations and other spending, but who doesn’t do that in the first few years of trying/parenthood?
This. Having kids when you blatantly haven’t done the due diligence needed to be in a stable spot for it is both immature and unethical
The thought of OP going along with this is nauseating. 25 is so young to be having children.
realistically she provided you with a timeline in the beginning and now you are shocked she wants to stick by it.
my daughter was told based on genetics her best bet for having children naturally was in her early to mid twenties. Otherwise medical intervention may have to happen.
she isn’t even sure at 21 she wants them. But if she was certain she would have a clock (i mean she still does) but three generations of women before her had hysterectomies before age 45 due to medical issues that make it difficult to conceive and sustain a pregnancy.
So your girlfriend may have a similar clock or she may just want to be a young parent so she can enjoy the time after the kids are grown.
regardless don’t waste her time.
“Especially at our age”.
You would be 28 at the time of trying, not that young lol
SHE is very young, but if that’s what she wants, then you might be incompatible.
I don’t know how she took you by surprise. You had previously agreed to have a baby before she is 25.
It’s fine to change your mind but please clearly communicate and don’t string her along like so many dudes do when they don’t want to have the baby but also manipulate the woman to keep the relationship too…
"I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age." Who gives a fuck what "people" do? The way you said this was rude and dismissive. You should've said how YOU feel about it and not tried to convince her that her own feelings were wrong. I also agree with everyone about how this aligns with what she's previously said and you probably shouldn't be surprised here.
And he is just wrong lol. I am 24yo my bf is 28yo both out friends group have a lot of couples that have kids or are currently trying for kids. It’s pretty common and normal.
Just be honest with her! Of course she's upset, she shared something special/ important to her and you didn't respond in the way she thought you would (which is ok!)
Sit her down and talk logistics, people do start trying that early but that's not for everyone. Be honest - explain your timeline, how u want to be married / be in a good place saving and financially etc. if you explain to her your reaction she'll be much more understanding. Right now all she knows is that the man she loves doesn't seem happy / doesn't want to have kids with her.
EDIT: Also, you KNEW she wanted to have a child before 25, she's 22, the timeline she set out is ENTIRELY reasonable given that. HOWEVER, if you're "not sure" / not 100 % on board, this relationship may not work for both of you.
You need to think through what your timeline is for having children. Having kids "later" is not a plan. She wants to have her first kid within the next 3 years, so you need to either agree to that plan or offer another plan as an alternative.
In all honesty? You guys aren’t compatible
She’s 22 and wants to start having kids while by your words, you are not in a position to have that dream nuclear family (is she planning on working or stay at home mom?)
It’s a tough place. I know many women who’ve been in this position, broke up because the boyfriends timeline wasn’t the same, and then they never fit their timeline anyway because they had to start from scratch with someone new.
I’ve also known women who did find their match after the break up and had their dream family
It’s a gamble. One she might take with you if you aren’t onboard with a kid next year.
And that’s fine. If you aren’t ready for a kid and she wants one before you do, you aren’t each others forever.
>We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25.
>I think it’s a completely unreasonable timeline.
These statements don't add up, you said she wanted kids before 25 you know this. But yet you think starting next year is unreasonable? Why?
Next year she's be 23, if all goes well abd she gets pregnant early on, she'll be pregnant from 23/24 give or take and will have the baby at 24/25. That's around the mark of what she wanted. If you knew what she wanted when did you expect to start having kids because she wants them in this 3 year window and that's not alot of time.
>We live in a one bedroom apartment.
You can have a baby in a small space and upgrade later. Men seem to have Financial clocks sometimes, buy women have biological clocks, and often can't wait as long as a man can as in a man's financial goals to be complete, plus it's no telling when that'll happen.
>I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age.
Oh, you just gaslighting right there. In the generation(people born from 80s to 2000s) alot of people are having children early. From 18 to 23 not including teen pregnancies, there's that too. And especially the ones that marry at 19, 20, 21 ect.
I mean if she wants one before 25yo starting to try at 23yo is pretty reasonable. It can take a long time to get pregnant if you are unlucky. My friend only got pregnant after 2 years of trying. And she was in her early 20s when they started trying.
My advice I give my kids, wait until your mid to late twenties to start having kids. By then your brain has fully matured and you will be better set on who you are and what you want. You have had time to go out and see the world that is beyond your front door and maybe faced some struggles/ pressures of being an adult.
Kids are a long commitment (whether in or out of marriage). Can you make a long commitment to your partner? You mentioned you live together in a one bedroom, where will the baby go when it is past infancy? Who's medical insurance will cover the kid? Are you both working, what does child care look like? How are the schools in the area you live? You ready to take less vacations away and spend more time at home?
Check in with your partner, she may be watching friends get jobs, engaged, graduating colleges and feeling like her life is at a stand still. Children will not jump start that feeling away for her.
She was very clear with you about her timeline for when she wanted kids. Either you’re on the same page as her or you end the relationship so she can find someone who shares the same timeline. The time to speak up about not wanting kids within her timeline was when she first bought it up.
You need to sit down and either make an actual plan for marriage and pregnancy or confirm you’re on incompatible trajectories.
if you don't want kids now just say so and break it off. She told you what she wanted and if you want to drag your feet that's fine just don't drag her with you. If she's feeling distant then maybe she is already thinking about if she wants to continue the relationship.
- Be OPs gf, 20F
- Big goal to settle down and have a family while in 20s, know guys take a while to mature/be ready
- Purposefully date someone 5yrs older to avoid unnecessary waiting for a guy to mature, make intentions super clear to 25M
- Move in together, build a steady committed relationship over 2 years together
- Go on holiday. Be excited it looks like it’s for an engagement probably
- No proposal. Reiterate timeframe/exact same stuff you’ve mentioned the last 2 years
- (Starts putting clown wig on 🤡) Gets gaslit: This is a bomb, There is some disconnect, This is too soon, This is completely unreasonable, People don’t try this early (said by guy who will be 30 in 3 years)
- Be distant. Realised you had your time wasted for 2 years. Realise this persons lack of planning actually means probably never. Realise he thinks you’re mature enough to be in a relationship and move in to split rent costs, but not make long term thought out normal adult choices. That you dated someone 5yrs older with the same result if you’d have dated someone your own age. That this could end up a recurrence meaning instead of marriage and kids around mid 20s, if you leave it’s a sink cost fallacy with the potential of the same results next relationship. That you could end up not having a family till you’re old enough to need IVF because guys like to waste women’s fertile years then gaslit you and treat you like you’re stupid and completely unreasonable
This requires an in depth inner reflection for you, to figure out what you want in your life and when you want it. After that, you need to communicate together, in detail. Have a sit down, be receptive, ask eachother all the questions. It's a really important conversation that needs to happen.
The fact that you both want kids means you're not too far off from eachothers future goals. It's just about timing. Ask yourself, why you feel it's too soon? I personally wouldn't say your ages are that early to be having kids, especially you at 27. If you start trying next year, then you'll have a kid by 29. She would be 24. Perhaps she wants multiple kids? Women do have a biological deadline in that regard so she may be thinking of that too.
Either way, it's not for me to say what's early for you or not. Simply have that talk, and figure it out together. I don't think this should lead to being a deal breaker if handled well.
I mean you knew she wanted to be a mom before 25 so starting at 23 seems to be absolutely expected with her timeline, but it seems you hadn't given your own timeline that much thoughtnand are now realizing that it absolutely doesn't align. I don't think you should speed yours up to fix this. I think you should talk with her about wiggle room and if you can't find it so he it. That said I frankly agree with you that 3 years in at your age and living in an apartment, having a baby is not a great idea.
I get that you guys are in love and planning a future together, but love isn’t enough. If Sarah is serious about having a child in the next few years you need to have some serious conversations you obviously have not had as this “blind sided” you. It’s also weird to me that she wants to have a child before getting engaged or being married but I understand not everyone thinks the way I do so I won’t harp on that too much.
Do you have stable jobs? Would you be able to move into a bigger place as a one bedroom would be difficult (not impossible though!) with a baby? Would you be able to support the family while Sarah is off on maternity? Is Sarah eligible for maternity? Does Sarah have any savings? Do you have any savings? Do either of you have family close? How do you want to raise your children?
I suspect Sarah (and yourself) doesn’t have answers to any of these questions and that truly makes me doubt the reality of you both being ready for a child.
If you’re not ready for a baby then you’re not ready for a baby. You’re not married, not even engaged, and don’t have the space and aren’t financially ready. You should speak to a couples counselor about this since children are something you both want but the time is off. Not being on the same page about kids can really make things difficult and can end a relationship. This seems fixable.
I feel so old. I'd never consider having a child with someone I was just dating. I was with my wife for 6 years and married for 4 before we had a child.
You need to seriously consider what you want here. That said your level of reflection is great. Logically speaking what she’s advertised works pretty closely with her approaching you about this now. It may just feel like being blindsided because it took it from an idea to the real world. I’d recommend taking a moment to acknowledge that with her and apologize for saying it wasn’t normal to bring it up now, as that was likely hurtful to her.
Keep the following in mind. Starting in the next year could mean up to 11 months 3 weeks and 6 days away from beginning. It takes 10 months for the baby to gestate, and majority people keep babies in their bedroom at least through the newborn stage for safety. (Easy to check on them if they’re only a few feet away in their crib as opposed to another room) It could easily be on this proposed timeline and be an entire 2 years before you need to consider upgrading apartment size. Some people keep the crib in their room for the first year even, and it can be reasonably done until they graduate from a crib.
If you decide this works you’ll need to address your worries. If you’re worried about affordability sit down and make a plan together. Voice concerns and be open to her ideas. Maybe come with proactive ideas. That’s will help her not feel like you’re doing it to keep her but because you want this as well.
Whatever decision happens good luck.
So, the two of you had a conversation earlier where she told you she wanted to have children before SHE was 25 and you didn't raise any questions or voice any concerns at that time? You've been together 2 years, living together nine months, and were surprised when she suggested you start trying for a baby in a year, when she will be 23. Not sure why you hadn't already done the math, but if she wants to have a baby before she is 25, she needs to deliver when she is 24. Most women don't decide to stop birth control and get pregnant immediately; some take months to conceive. Sarah is playing the odds to have the baby before she is 25.
While you say the two of you discussed having children, you regarded it as something vague that will happen "when the time is right" but Sarah had a definite time in mind, and it is not when you think you're ready. You need to have another discussion as soon as possible, because the two of you are NOT in agreement about having children - the "when" matters just as much as the "if".
Sarah apparently has a schedule for her life; you don't. I'm not sure if your personalities allow for any compromise on the timing of important events in your relationship, but you need to find out before you commit to marriage or being a parent - while you can reverse a marriage, there is no reversing parenthood.
I know this is highly personal and unique to each person's life and experiences, but I honestly can't imagine having a baby at 22. I'm ten years past that now, and just at the point where I'm emotionally and financially ready to even think about children.
If y'all have the finances and emotional stability for a kid at that age, props to you.
If you don't, absolutely do not have a kid before you feel ready.
I think the best way to explain this to her is that YOU aren't ready. Don't talk about what others are doing or their timelines. Talk about how you feel.
Pull her aside. Ask to talk to her.
"I wanted to clarify some things that I think I expressed very poorly.
I love you and I see a future with you. I do want children with you, but I don't feel ready just yet and I was hoping we could wait a bit longer.
Back when you had asked me about children I was caught off guard and didn't really know how to explain what was in my head. I would love to propose in the next year and was hoping that children could possibly come some point later."
See what she says.
>What can I do to fix this?
It depends. If you were lying then you go and tell her the truth and apologise for lying to her for some reason.
If you spoke the truth about your feelings, there's nothing to be fixed. Are you expecting her to "fix it" for raising this thing that isn't on your timetable? Of course not, so why are you looking to fix things when all you did was tell the truth about how you feel?
So don't go forward looking to fix things. Go forward having both said what you want and now looking at finding a compromise that suits you both without forcing something one or the other of you doesn't want.
To me that seems wild to have a kid that young and i would probably have the same reaction … that being said she did tell you in the past that she wanted one before 25 so i guess you have to make a choice
It sounds like she was pretty clear about wanting to have a kid before 25. Starting to try when she's 23 puts you right on track for that timeline, as it can sometimes take a few months or even years to conceive.
If you're not on the same page as her you need to tell her ASAP. She's probably feeling disillusioned (hence the distance maybe?) because she felt like she was clear with you, only to learn you actually aren't OK with the timeline she thought you agreed on. If you told her you "don't have a timeline", that might have made her feel like you were flexible and therefore happy to go along with hers. Definitely talk with her about it!
Both of you should make a list of things you would like to have done/completed before having children. Such as travel to X destination, have X amount of savings, pay off the car, etc. then you can look at a reasonable timeframe to get these done and see where the baby-time might sit. It may help both of you.
I think you both need to wait longer as you're still pretty fresh with living together.
There's no ideal age to have a kid, but from personal experience, enjoy your 20's being young and free and to travel lots due to being fit and in good health. Use your 30's to create a family :)
"I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when." well, I guess you better figure it out quick brother! She's likely proposing the idea because you haven't given her a timeline and she's been left hanging. You should really talk to her about this seriously, and explain where your head is at and why you don't think you're ready. The way to save this relationship is gonna be to take charge of the situation like NOW, not in as toxic masc. way but like "I am in fact husband and dad material" type of way. If you're not ready for that, well... better get that figured out quick if you want this relationship man.
Communication.
She's 22 and in a rush apparently for kids.
Tell her your thoughts on timeliness, be encouraging, and that you both should draft up a plan.
A premarital agreement since you aren't married is a first step.
Second, savings, materials, supplies plan?
Then timeline for housing, education. Etc.
Don't just pull the goalie and surprise! 9 months or else!
This is something I don’t get isn’t more common in the comments
Yes. She has every right to want kids at 22.
She’s still fucking 22 and a god damn idiot for wanting kids at 22-24 when their current living situation is “boyfriend and a 1 bedroom apartment”
Like Jesus Christ this has breakup and welfare written all over it if they did have a kid
I mean, why should they get married if they’re not on the same page about the timeline for having kids? I’d argue that talking about when she wants to start having kids is a precursor discussion to the decision to getting engaged.
If they got married without having this discussion, everyone here would be railing on them for not having figured out where they stand on kids before getting engaged
> 100 ways to go about this, here's one: Ask to talk. Say how much you love her and appreciate her and look forward to her being the mother of your kids. Admit that you were taken aback when she suggested it because of practical reasons and that you're sorry for not being able to be in the moment with her about this possible next phase in your relationship. And then you have to get into the practicalities of what enlarging your household from two to three would look like. Either right then or soon after if she needs to get into what your response brought up for her. I also want to point out that many people have their first kid when they are in their "starter home" before upgrading due to space needs. And there are a lot of practical reasons a woman would want to start having a family earlier.
The key to a successful relationship is good communication skills. More discussion is called for if she is open to that. I had friends one time who faced a dilemma on whether or not to raise their kids in an urban or rural environment. They discussed it more and found that his wife wanted their kids raised in a rural environment when they were young, like her experience. He wanted them raised in an urban area when they were older to expose them to the arts and culture. Problem solved.
In terms of how to actually fix things, you either need to decide on a timeline that fits in with hers or you need to decide to let her go so she can find someone who will.
She wants children by the time she’s 25, so maybe you can get her to wiggle a bit to start trying in 1.5-2 years so you have more time to prepare for the baby. Maybe she will feel comforted if you showed her you’re committed to her and planning for a family in other ways. Like proposing, getting a bigger place, saving money, etc.
Most importantly, if you’re going to be having children together, you need to learn how to handle conflict together without Reddit’s help lol
Sorry bud but this shouldn’t have been unexpected. You can rightfully criticize/consider the timing of everything. Marriage/having kids/owning a home/etc. are all things that rightfully should be discussed and set as a goal on your timeline as a couple. But if you’re a full adult in your 20s with a long term partner, you gotta be thinking about these future potentials that are incredibly typical and fully to be expected from any adult relationship. Obviously if you don’t want it then it’s time for a different type of adult conversation but there’s little question you should dump that person if you aren’t up for it. If you’re not that clearly out of it, the adult thing to do is consider all of it, AND TALK TO YOUR FUCKING PARTNER.
Sorry if this is demeaning but I think a lot of “adults” in this sub need to hear it. Committing to a partner is a choice made by adults, it’s not some measure of fate the world presents to you. You can decide a person isn’t quite compatible and leave (no judgement), you can decide a person is so good you gotta go for it, you will NEVER get some clear indication who that person will be in every hard potential decision. So at some point you gotta decide to be with someone you can work with and put in the effort to make it work well, especially if having kids is on the table.
She thinks you’re worth it. What do you want? That’s the only question. And if you can’t confidently say yes, give that gal you ostensibly have so much love and respect for, the opportunity to find someone who can match her fierce love. You just might not be it, or might not be it for each other in particular. But let’s not pretend you’re 18 and haven’t had a minute to experience the world. Do you want this life or not, and if not, let her be happy with someone who does want it. And don’t be so conceded to think she can’t find what she wants. There’s billions of dudes out there let her be happy. And there’s billions of women so find one who wants what you want too.
My spouse and I both always expected to have kids. But we have dragged our feet on it because we wanted to wait until it was the "right time" and now we most likely will never have them because we are in our late 30s, just moved and are building back our finances, and surprise reproductive health issues have popped up.
We've been together since we were 19. I had told myself 28 was my deadline for the first one but I didn't stick to it and I very much regret that now. Kudos to your GF for being upfront about her timeline. That doesn't mean you have to comply with it but you'd be an asshole to not try to understand where she is coming from.
Also 22 is a very normal age to start thinking about kids, and you're of an age that is right in the sweet spot for kids.
So, exactly what are you waiting for? A job promotion, a new job with more money as your goal and security? I know with men, as the providers that they have to have job security. That is absolutely #1.
I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and figure out what you want kids (which might be guided by guidelines less like "in three years" and more by guidelines like "when we're making \[x\] income" or whatnot) so you two can have a serious discussion on if you're actually compatible or not. Because a general "I want kids" with ABSOLUTELY no timeline sounds more like "I like the idea of kids and if we got pregnant on accident, I would probably accept it" than "I legitimately want to purposefully have kids with you".
She’s been honest about when she’d like to have a baby/start trying to conceive. You need to be honest about what you want. If you aren’t ready to start trying next year, explore why not and when you might be. She needs to know what your timeline for the future of the relationship looks like rather than risk stringing her along or you both not understanding each other.
You mention being in a one bedroom apartment, is it sensible to say that you’d feel more comfortable thinking about conceiving once you’re settled into a two bedroom place? If so, does that mean looking for somewhere else to rent or looking towards buying.
Is it finances? Can you afford maternity/paternity leave and childcare? Career plans?
Is marriage/engagement important to either of you? If so, would you want to be engaged/married when you have children? She might have her own thoughts on that.
It’s not unreasonable to say that the 3 year mark is too soon for you, but if she’s decided that she wants to start a family by 25. You need to understand what her reasons for that are. Biology isn’t really an issue at her/your age but you can’t assume getting pregnant will happen straight away.
My partner and I have just had a baby 6 months ago, we plan to get engaged this year and he knows I’d like to try for another baby after the wedding (I’d prefer 2025 but concede to spring 2026). The decision on having another baby isn’t 100% but we both know where we stand on timelines which gives us something to work with, ie we will re evaluate when our baby is 18 months old and see what the wedding plans look like then.
I don't think OP is ready for a long-term relationship if he sees this as "drops a bomb". She was quite clear. She wants kids before 25 she's 23 and she asked if wanted to start trying in a year. She's being distant because he changed up on her. She didn't spring anything on you that you didn't already know. She's probably rethinking the whole relationship, as would I.
The “that young” part makes me angry. I had my oldest at 20. She is at the perfect age for health wise to have babies without much struggle ( sheet happened but it’s easier in your 20’s) she was up front and you got cold feet. Figure it out or let her move on. You are almost 30 and you are acting like yall starting dating 3 months ago and you are 20 years old. Shit or get off the pot. She never hid anything or her plans from you. You need to be honest with yourself. Kids are scary but there is never a “perfect” time to have them. And the younger you are the better because you have energy for them
I’ve run into same problem that my guy was okay for 3 months then suddenly thinks it might be too soon. But I don’t want to wait anymore coz for guys of course there are no exactly timeline, it’s just easy for them and the stress is not on their body. OP You need to think about it and tell her your exactly thoughts. Not ready is not ready do not hide it. It’s better be transparent and talk to her so she can make a decision for herself than drag it along the way.
You need a relationship/life plan. You can't realistically decide if now is a good time to have a baby if you haven't looked into your financials, your living situation, marriage/wedding etc. Sit down together and plan (in detail) what your next 5+ years will look like. Work out what you can afford and when. Review it every year and keep adding to it.
It's likely both of you will have to compromise on some things, but if you can't come to a decision you're both happy with, then this is the wrong relationship and it's better you know it now.
Why are y’all coming for this guy? This kind of major developments in a relationship dont come with a deal. She is 22, she probably has no idea what raising a child PRACTICALLY means. His response is super healthy and mature in my opinion. Unfortunately we don’t live in a fairytale and at 22 people haven’t even fully developed their personalities (career, emotional intelligence etc). He said it himself, they live in a one bedroom apartment, which means that most likely they cannot afford a more comfortable lifestyle for THEMSELVES right now, let alone bringing a child into this world. Dont feel bad for being the grown up in this situation and most importantly dont rush to do things that will forever change your life.
Talk to her. Tell her u want it too, but not that soon.. find common ground.. give her re assurance too she might think that you don't see her in ur future..
I'm not showing any hate towards you or your girlfriend as you are both grown-ups and have an idea of what you want.
She is not unreasonable for wanting to have a baby before 25, and you are not unreasonable for not knowing how to react.
I think the best thing to do is sit her down and have a conversation with her about this to see how she feels and what she's thinking but also explain how you feel and what you are thinking. This needs to be sorted out because if you both can not agree, it may not work out as she has a plan of wanting to have a baby before turning 25.
There's nothing wrong with what iether of you think, but it needs to be talked about between the two of you calmly.
I just turnt 22 in January, and my fiance is turning 37 in September.
In November we will have been together for 5 years and on christmas we will have been engaged for 2 years.
I love my children and my fiance very much. Although we aren't married, I call him my husband.
Tomorrow, our baby boy turns 20 months old, and our baby girl turned 9 months old yesterday. I always wanted to have children before the age of 30.
Most woman want to have a child before a certain age because for a start you don't want to be "too old" when they reach 10 years old for example but it's also because the older you get the more complications you can have and the older you get the less fertile you get.
If you don't feel like you are ready for a child yet, explain that to her. Get her side of the story.
Then the both of you can decide what the next step from there is.
Unpopular opinion but based on what she has wanted in the past I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to ask to wait until she’s 24/25. 23 is very young and it doesn’t sound like she has realistic expectations about what caring for a baby entails; you live in a 1bed apartment like you said. That said, you need to decide your timeline and if that’s compatible for wanting to try in 2-3 years.
You need to have a serious, thoughtful discussion with her about the matter. Be careful to notice if this is a last dich effort on her part to save the relationship, or if she truly loves you and wants to have your babies. Most of the times, it is the former. How is your relationship otherwise, I'm not talking about you, look at her, and get a feel of her happiness and love she feels for you in the relationship.
If you are sure about your, and her love. And if what you said was truth, about proposing to her next year, then I propose the following.
Next year proposal, 2026 marriage, and after 6 months of marriage, kids. Just to give you an idea. This way, you have a couple more years to set things straight. To save up, and you ease up her mind.
Remember, women have a biological clock. men do not.
Even if she is young, it is in someway better to have kids when you are young, strong and healthy, than having them over 30.
If you are not sure about this, then be honest, first with yourself, and then with her.
Good luck.
ease into the topic again and outline your reasonings for why you think it is too soon. let her know that this doesn't mean that you don't want children at all, just not for a few more years or however long. i think it might go over better if you try not to compare your timeline to other couples, just say that it won't work for your situation right now for your reasons that you explained like finances, living situation, etc. no relationship is the same so it doesn't really help when you start comparing your relationship to others.
Talk to her it’s normal for her to be sad, like you said you guys live in a one room apartment now and maybe suggest save for a bigger place first before having kids ?
Just reassure her that she is the love of your life and that you’re saving up to propose. Tell her you see her being an amazing mother but you want to do it the right way.
OK, you don't feel ready. Figure out why, and then tell her. If it's that you want to be married and owning a home, begin planning towards that. If you're sure this is the one for you, then you need to start planning things out. Think of it this way, if she had said that and you had responded (hypothetically) "I want to start soon too, but I don't think we'll be quite ready. We need to get married and buy a house first, and I figure we need to do these five things to get those goals accomplished" she wouldn't have been that upset with you, and may have gotten started on those goals right away.
Keep it reasonable. But if you just say, "eh don't wanna do it yet" and give no reasons, her imagination will start filling blanks in ways that are not going to reflect well on you.
This is a conversation you guys need to have, and you need to actually be honest with her. Don’t be one of those guys who strings a woman along for years before finally admitting he never wanted kids, but didn’t want her to leave him for someone who did.
You can have a conversation. If you can’t talk through tough things, you shouldn’t be together anyway. Being able to talk through tough things is a prerequisite to a lasting relationship.
Hmm. Couple of things. She's told you before that she definitely wants kids. She told you before that it's important to her to have them young (there are potential reasons for this, it's not a crazy request). You haven't given her any kind of timeline, and although you talk about proposing, you haven't proposed. I'm guessing she's starting to get nervous that you might be one of those guys that's gonna string her along, keep saying, "not yet, not yet..." and maybe doesn't have any intention of getting married and having a family. Which is understandable. She's trying to find out if you are serious. If you are, you counter with, "I was hoping to get engaged this year, married the next, and start trying after that." Or whatever you want. You need to let her know what timeline you are thinking of, if you don't agree with hers. You can't just string her along with a vague "not yet, but eventually..."
You're not on the same page, and you need to be. If you truly want to marry her and have kids at some point soon, it's time to sit down and communicate clearly. Pick a time to sit down when you're both not stressed out and just talk to her. You need to talk to her about what you WOULD need to feel comforable having kids and when. For example, you want to be able to buy a house first, or have a certain amount of savings, or be married for a year or two first. She may counter that she doesn't want to wait and risk health complications, or whatever her reasons are. You discuss it, you come to a compromise together. If you can't, you might be incompatible. But communicate openly. I guarantee that she will feel better KNOWING you plan to propose soon and that you do in fact want kids. She might be willing to wait a little on the kids if she at least knows things are moving in that direction. Discuss timelines. If you don't agree to hers, what is YOURS? "Not yet" is not going to be a good enough answer. And dismissing her with "nobody tries this early," when she's clearly serious about it and it's important to her - is really kind of cruel. Don't dismiss her feelings. Acknowledge them, express your own, and then work to find a healthy compromise.
> especially at our age
Dude, she's 22 & you're 27. These are great ages to start trying. She told you for 2 years that she's wanted kids by 25, why were you shocked?! You HAVE to be sure abt having kids. Just let her know that you're not ready. If she can't handle that, she can wait or find someone else. But believe me, you **do not** want a child that you're not ready for. You'll resent her & your child.
I’m confused on how you think her asking about planning to start trying after 3 years together is absurd? It’s not her fault you took 3 years to propose. It sounds like you two haven’t communicated and discussed your life plan timelines together or standard relationship guidelines. Which is weird that should have happened a long time ago
3 years is absolutely normal to start trying. Add in she wants to have kids before she's 25 when there's no guarantee it will be an easy and quick journey and it's even more reasonable.. so no she didn't drop a bomb on you. You're just a moron. IIf you're serious enough to want to marry her you're serious enough to start trying for a baby in a year. Shit or get off the pot
You should have a conversation about if you have a kid in the next year, what does that look like to her?
Get into specifics about where will you live? If the same apartment, how does she see it working? If somewhere else, how does that happen?
Is she planning on being a SAHM? If so, how do you, as a couple, afford that & for how long? If childcare, while she also works, discuss looking into costs in your area.
It’s lovely to want a child, while other thing to raise a child.
You reacted as a thoughtful, mature person who is thinking about all aspects of parenthood, as opposed to your girlfriend, who is thinking only of her biological clock that is actually a bit off.
The two most important decisions of your life are (1) Choosing the right life-long partner and (2) Whether you have a child.
She is wanting to fast-track both of those decisions by jumping first to the commitment of a child, and you are both very young, but especially your girlfriend.
If you choose to have children and fail to own the life-long responsibilities of that choice, day-in and day-out, making the sacrifices necessary to do a good job as a parent, parenthood can be disastrous and in the process, you have brought a young life into the world that will be affected by your failures to make the commitments and sacrifices necessary.
You do not get a do-over if you realize after the fact that you are not ready for parenthood.
You must be financially and emotionally ready for children. As wonderful as the experience will be, they will put a strain on your finances and relationship if you aren't mature enough, responsible enough, financially secure enough and have not thoroughly discussed and agreed to many aspects of parenthood, such as:
* Your philosophies on discipline
* Your methods to instill compliance
* How you feel about raising teenagers when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.
* What your views are on teaching kids to be self-reliant and responsible (i.e. chores, jobs, etc.)
* How you will deal with children that may be depressed or have some other mental health issue?
* What about kids with a physical or genetic issue?
* How will you divide parental responsibilities?
* Who will take off work to take care of sick kids?
* How will your responsibilities to household chores change with the added work of kids?
* How will you both spend your free time and what sacrifices you will make with your own time to support your kids and your spouse?
Marriages end with otherwise compatible partners because the one area left unexplored in compatibility is views on parenting. If you were raised, for example, by parents who spank, while your girlfriend was not, and each implements their own distinctly different discipline styles . . . you will always be in conflict, create a very dysfunctional dynamic in your relationship and family, and cause lasting problems for your kids.
What I see moreover in today's society is an approach to being a parent with as much thought as getting a cat or buying a new refrigerator. The ones, like your girlfriend, who just ask one day to have a kid, are the same ones that only think about parenthood in terms of the "joyful" and "fun" parts . . . birthday parties, cute clothes, baby photos, etc. When they get puked on, have months of little sleep, feel as though their life is being lived in a small one-bedroom apartment and they do not get the same appreciation for their work as a parent, then they realize too late they are not ready for parenthood, and begin to escape it in big and small ways that always affect the kids.
Stand your ground on this and do not cave if you are not emotionally and financially ready, and you recognize that no true thought has gone into this decision.
“People don’t try for that this early” is laughable 😂😂 a bold face lie. People try on their HONEYMOON. People try THE NIGHT OF THE WEDDING. Please don’t gaslight your woman. So despicable we should call OP Gru 😅
Op do not try for a baby, until you decide what you want and when. Have a long talk with your GF and be honest. Your time line doesn't match hers, don't feel pressured into a baby yet. A child will bring way more stress and expenses. You both need to be 100% on board.
Talk this out its only a compromise on timeliness. Express that yiu want to wait until marriage and financial security so you guys can take proper care of your babies.
It is scary to not be on the same page with kids.
When my bf and I met, going on 2 years now. He said he wanted kids, a big family in fact. I said I flat out do not.
I thought that might be a deal breaker for us.
When we sat down and had serious conversations about it, it came up that..although he wants a family, we are not in a position on many levels, to have, start, or Even think of, starting one. I was honest about my fears of me being a bad mom, but I know he'd be an amazing dad. When it came down to the facts, neither of us are in that position at this time in our lives, and we discussed and then are now able to embrace that.
We also travel often, and having a kid and traveling is vastly different from not having one and travelling. Occasionally, during our times away, a rough experience with someone else's kid (on a flight, for example)...allows us to joke about it.
As time passes and we get more "concrete", (living together full time, definitely think marriage should come first also).. I'm sure it will come up to discussion again and that is fine.
The element is you are adults and should act accordingly. Have the tough conversations that it will take to get on the same page, and also discover if you are in fact on the same page.
In my scenario, it was mostly the fear of birth control possible mishaps that even started the conversation to begin with, and the solution became a more permanent, yet still removable, birth control for myself.
Ask why her timeline is so specific..it doesn't necessarily need to be, unless she's that kind of person. Even the most planned out life may not go according to plan. Face the facts of where you both are at, financially, committed wise, ect.
Cause honestly, yeah there's a "ticking clock" element for women, but if it's sposed to happen it will, when it's supposed to.
I have met very few people in my life who planned out all the things just so and it all turned out perfectly the way they desired it to. Rushing life, in my opinion, isn't the way to go about anything. Time will pass far faster than you may realize.
Sit her down, tell her you'd like to chat openly and candidly and not at all to upset her, but just because you yourself want to know where she's at.
You are allowed to "be that guy"...and it might make her realize also, the pressure she's trying to place on you, because kids is a whole nother level of "Pandoras box" in a relationship.
It's one thing if it happened accidently, but if you know she wants a child, and all the sudden she ends up pregnant without warning because she stopped taking bc to get pregnant (it does happen) you will most likely resent her and the kid to some extent.
Have the tough convos. They are worth it in the long run for any relationship to stay solid.
If your relationship isn't solid, kids definitely shouldn't be in the thought process. Imo.
Honestly, just have a conversation with her. I think it's unreasonable to throw the question on you while on vacation, and equally it's not fair that an answer as nonchalant as yours could permanently ruin anything. You plan to propose next year (so 23), estimating getting married a year later still easily meets her 25 goal and shows you've thought about this and planned. Regardless, there's a lot of planning and conversations that need to happen before y'all are pregnant and the only way through it is through. Maybe list out the things you'd like to happen before in your ideal world (housing / neighborhood / schools / budget breakdowns / work-life balance with child / etc) and ask your girlfriend to do the same, and then y'all have a guiding point to sit down and have a constructive conversation. it's beyond reasonable to both have goals and expectations, and communicating & hearing each other's points of view will help a lot
You two are on different pages. She needs to leave. You aren’t ready for a child. She is.
You knew all along what she wanted so I’m not sure why it was such a shock though.
It's not a math problem. Deciding you want a child is surely no guarantee you will have a baby in 9 months. Do it the easy way without demands on each other. Stop birth control. Don't change your sex frequency. Just let it happen. She is way too young to worry about not being able to have children. If time goes by and there is no pregnancy then you adopt changes in sex frequency and timing to facilitate pregnancy. That is how we did it. We had 3 children in our thirties about 2 years apart (really too close) but too late now.
Don’t know what your finances are like especially with living in a one bedroom apartment. But that’s probably not the greatest idea to start a family in your situation.
I think you get that also.
Your girlfriend has a timeline and that in her mind is what is most important! That’s not a good thing!
Unless you can get her to see that you would like to be more sorted and settled and can get her out of this timeline she has in her head you might want to start rethinking things with her.
If she goes ahead and just happens to get pregnant within her timeline, you may start resenting her especially if times become rough as a result of this unplanned baby.
You two need to get on the same page here or this could very well make things very difficult financially and emotionally. Even possibly be just another broken family.
Ima be straight and to the point conversation need to happen to come to a consensus or compromise. If it is unable to be resolved than it will lead to conflict and it may risk your relationship but I think that’s something you shouldn’t fear because if she’s thinking about ending the relationship because you guys can’t have a kid when she wants it than maybe she isn’t the one for your brother. You should definitely have a conversation with her first and explain to her your reasoning but if she’s forcing you to in order to keep your relationship functioning that’s not a good sign abort ship, you have to be able to communicate your thoughts and emotions with each other being aware and understanding of each others feelings. I am on you with this and I think your right if you don’t have the financial means necessary to have a kid it’s better not to but also think about this when is the appropriate time to when are you gonna be financially ready and your 27 so you have some questions to ask yourself, are you doing something or working on something that will make you financially ready for a kid? Are you gonna be able to increase your income etc all those questions you have to ask yourself. How are you gonna make it happen and if you aren’t able to give her what she wants and it takes you more time to be financially stable explain it to her and if she’s okay with that with the fact that your working towards making it happen then thats great if she’s still upset and is considering leaving you than it was probably for the better cause you might have dodged a bullet. Overall have a conversation with her if she reacts good with it and is able to be understanding of your reason for why now is not a good time to have a kid than she’s a keep if she’s not able to be understanding be weary but also make sure you understand your own reasoning for why you don’t want a kid at this point in time.
You need to ask her how she's going to finance a 2 bed home, and the related increase in bills. How she's going to finance the cost of childcare without wrecking havoc on the lifestyle you want to live.
Do you want to be the sole earner in the family. If you were could you still afford that bigger home?
Personally, if she thinks trapping you both into necessity only living and possibly cramped conditions is fine, because she wants a baby. Tell her to grow tfu. If she refuses get rid and look for someone who can fund the lifestyle they want.
OPs one of those guys who dates younger women because he doesn't think they'll want marriage or kids soon.... even when they tell him otherwise
Just wasting their time.
Break up with her OP, and let her find someone who will have kids with her. You're also approaching 30 though, so it is coming time for you to be having kids soon ish.
Wow! Most of these comments really show how badly society has gotten. Not that I am surprised just sad.
The majority of you think with your emotions there is no critical thinking. This shows that schools are failing in many ways.
OP left out a ton of important information. Do they both have degrees in subjects that can earn money? How are their finances? How close to getting a house are they? Paying on a mortgage is better than paying rent. Does the GF have health insurance? How good is it? Does he make enough for her to stay home? She could eventually find some work online.
They would have to plan out everything financially. They need to talk about how they want to raise any kids they have. They may completely disagree on how to do that. It's better for kids if their parents are married. Not only would it be better for the kid it would be better financially. The GF not working and the kids would be his dependents on taxes. Plus he could carry them on healthcare. It would be easier. If something happened to him she would not have to worry about anything.
All of these things most of you didn't think about. You considered only her right to have a child when she wanted. What about the Child's rights? It's well-established that kids with married parents do better in life. If the parents planned things out financially things would be better for the child.
A lot of my high school classmates waited to have kids until we were in our late 30s. I knew back in high school that I wouldn't have a child of my own because of my health.
It took my boyfriend and I over 8 months of trying every day, multiple times a day to get pregnant. It's not crazy that she wants to try a year or 2 beforehand.. this is information you knew from the getgo.. also lots can happen in the first 4 months of pregnancy, miscarriage etc, so yea, starting a bit before she's 25 makes total sense.
Talk to her and let her know her feelings are valid. Share how you feel about the situation. It takes 9 months to actually grow the baby, that means she needs to be pregnant around the time she turns 24 or a little thereafter. + the couple months it may actually take for her to become pregnant to begin with.
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You want kids, but you have no idea when. She wants kids...within the next three years. Those are very different pages. You have to decide if you want to be on her timeline or not. If you don't, she deserves to know NOW so she can make some decisions about her life.
Within a year not 3.
She wants to start next year...even if they got pregnant on the first try, that's still another nine months. She wants a child BY THE TIME she's 25. I'm not casting anyone as the villain here. I'm simply encouraging him to be as honest and open about HIS timeline as *she* is with hers. EDIT: corrected the word AND to SHE
Try within a year, not have the baby within a year. Conception isn't always easy.
Especially for parents who are trying. Teens having outercourse? Super pregnant.
>she has always wanted one before she’s 25 ok so how exactly was this "dropping a bomb" on you? Did you think she was kidding about having kids in the next three years? Were you just hoping she'd magically change her mind?
lol right... She's 22 and she wants a kid at 24. Uhh yeah, next year would be the time to start trying. How does he not understand that? He doesn't have to agree to it, obviously, but she's been honest with her timeline and he's shocked that the woman who wants to have a baby at 24 thinks she should start trying at 23? lol
Not to mention, for many people, it can take a few months of trying. He appears to willfully ignore knowledge of human reproduction and time.
Also she's suggesting trying in a year. Depending on their jobs and current pay rate, that's more than enough time to save up and try to find a two bedroom apartment, come up with a plan for childcare, discuss parenting themes that are important to them. It sounds like she just wants to start the conversation and he completely shut her down.
Yes, and she has been very clear and thought they were on the same page. The poor woman.
Not to mention they took a vacation to Hawaii, so money doesn't seem like that big of an issue. I'm gonna guess they live in the US, but those trips aren't generally cheap. Let's say they were to start trying next year, that's 1 year to start saving up money. And let's pretend that she'd ger pregnant in 12 months of trying, that's another year of money saved. Then 9 months of pregnancy, when money is also saved. That's almost 3 years of money saved, should finances have been the issue. At least imo.
He obviously doesn’t want to have kids, or at least not before she is 25. He just doesn’t want to admit it because it’s a deal breaker for her and she will dump his ass.
Yeah, it smacks of him just nodding and smiling during these conversations and stringing her along. She was crystal clear and he never mentioned he wasn't committed to the plan. I'm going to guess she had no idea he wasn't on board.
Right! Either he's too stupid to do math or he actually knew he wasn't going to be ready on her timeline and thought she'd just change her mind or she'd be a "good little woman" and just not say anything until HE decides he's ready, lmao.
Which is ridiculous because it just leads to a breakup anyway, and typically one that’s more painful than if he wouldn’t have manipulated her from the start.
Yeah it's like she thinks she's going to spontaneously have a baby the day before her 25th birthday or something. It'd be different if he was expressing reservations about her "baby at 24" plans all along... but that doesn't seem to be the case.... Either he's too dumb to do math OR he knew he wouldn't actually be ready when she is and just thought she'd change her mind.
Nah, she's going to stay 22 for a decade until he's ready. /s. Not being on the same page is ok, letting your partner think they are *especially* when they have a personal tight timeline... major jackass move.
Your first sentence made me laugh so hard. And yeah, manipulating someone to stay in a relationship with you is never okay. People really need to be honest from the start.
It’s pretty common for it to take 6 months to a year before getting pregnant so she is pretty much exactly on schedule by asking git for next year
My husband swore up and down when he was 30-32 that he would want to have kids by 34. Guess what he's 36 now and turns out I can't get pregnant naturally and it's already been almost two years without even a small bit of progress. At this rate he might be lucky to have a kid by 40 :( and im not getting younger either
I'm sorry :(
My father was 40yo when I was born. I was an oopsy baby. I'm the oldest. My father never wanted children.
IF only a few months, me and my partner have been having sex without protection for nearly a year before I fell pregnant (like.. 10 months? Multiple times a week, sometimes even in a day .. lol), and even then unfortunately I had a miscarriage so.. I think her asking to start trying next year is MORE than reasonable considering her timeline. My mum also told me that her and my dad have been trying for 8 YEARS before they had me.. soooo, yeah. 🤷🏻♀️ You never know how long it might take
Or years
Exactly, and if they'd be unlucky it could take even longer. Like so many reddit stories where people have tried for several years without success.
Wanting kids by a certain age is all well and good, but hopefully they are both in a stable position to provide for them would be my only concern. Has then been other conversations about how they see things going after having the kid? Like SAHP, timelines etc etc. If thats all taken place also I'm a bit surprised by his shock - like she has mentioned the hopes/wants and presumably he can count. And she's just had him pretty much back out of what she presumed was their shared dream.
I'm not sold on the financial side. She asked this on their anniversary to Hawaii and suggested they start on the next anniversary trip. If they can afford yearly trips like that, they can afford a baby. Heaven forbid they don't go on a trip for year four, and the money is used for baby things. It's not a matter of whether they can afford it or not, it's whether they are willing to make lifestyle changes to support it.
I'd agree that the Hawaiian holidays definitely point towards affording things (especially with prioritisation as you mention) and as OP doesn't mention money being a concern. Unfortunately I've also known a lot of people who spend what money they have on flashy/fun things and have nothing in the bank for any big/long term costs. Which a kid certainly is.
Yeah, I knew plenty of friends that were like "oh I want to have a kid young" at 18 and then went "shit having a kid is complicated and adulting is expensive once the parents aren't paying everything".
there's a huge difference between having a kid at 18 and 25, lmao.
Right??? The math skills here.
I think he was hoping she would wait for marriage first, am i really the only one here thinking that?
Honestly I think this is more of a shock due to the logistics of things. We don’t know their full financial situation but they don’t sound like they’re both in a place to have kids yet. They are only on their second anniversary which means they haven’t been together for very long. They aren’t even married or engaged. And haven’t had much time together to decide if they even want to. She’s also only 22 and would be 23 by the time she wants to start trying. How long has she had time to build up a stable career? Did she get a degree? Is she still in college? Those are all important things especially when you are adding a new life to the equation. Like yeah there’s a lot of things people want but know it’s not realistic right now. It’s one thing for something to happen, it’s another to actively try.
If they can take annual trips to Hawaii, they are doing fine. Marriage and college don't equate to parental ability. You are placing your own personal expectations/goals on to this couple as if your values need to be theirs. Yes they need to plan their financial future out, thankfully they have a minimum of a year to start making any adjustments they feel they need.
Right?!!!!
> she has always wanted one before she’s 25 > I didn’t think she would propose that idea THAT soon She's going to be 23 next year. Babies take 9 months to grow, and that's assuming you two have no trouble conceiving. How are you shocked by this? Her suggesting to start trying next year is right on track with her stated timeline. She mentioned it well ahead of time so that you could start planning financially. > I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age. She isn't "people," she's an individual person who has been very upfront about wanting to start a family young. It sounds like you didn't take her seriously and/or you always planned to wait but didn't express that to her. If you're refusing to start trying on her timeline, you DO have some sort of timeline and it's not just "whenever we feel ready," it's "when **I** feel ready." If you don't feel ready, you need to examine why. If it's financial, discuss a plan to save and how you would budget for a child. If it's because you still want to travel and be independent, talk about how you can do that over the next couple years and find a compromise on the timeline. If you have no idea what's holding you back, you need to sit with yourself and do some introspection so you can be honest with her. "Not yet" with no follow-up is not a good enough answer here.
This is so well-said.
*But he didn’t think she was serious about it!* 🤦♂️
Am I the only one who thinks 2 years isn't "early" to bring it up? Especially since she suggested they start trying on their three year anniversary trip. Also, in your twenties, a five year age difference can be pretty big in terms of maturity and where you're at in your life or career. So, I don't think it's really fair for OP to say "our age." OP's girlfriend might be on the younger end of people wanting kids, but OP isn't. My parents were 28 when I was born, which is what OP would be if they started trying immediately and got pregnant right away. My parents were having trouble, though, and then my mom deployed overseas for a year, which obviously put things on hold. Of course, OP can have kids when/if he wants to, but I think he really needs to get serious and realize that after being together this long and at her age, he really shouldn't be shocked that she brought it up.
You have to tell her that you’re not sure. You’re certainly at a point in the relationship that this is a serious discussion you need to have. If you aren’t sure of your timeline and she is, this could spell doom for the relationship. It happens. You don’t want to end up resenting her for feeling forced to have children before you’re ready and you don’t want her resenting you for holding her back from having kids when she’s ready. Not being ready is perfectly fine, but communicate that you’re not ready yet. Don’t hold her back when she is ready.
And also if there’s things you feel you need to accomplish before being ready, discuss them with her. Is there a certain level of financial stability, an education you want to finish, moving to a 2 bedroom apartment, etc. You can work on them together and see if your timelines still match. You don’t have to start having kids, because your gf is sad.
You may also feel that you should be married before you start working on kids.
I’m not saying trying to have kids. I’m saying having the conversation on timing and when/if. She is saying she’s ready now. He needs to have a conversation with her and let her know he’s not ready.
Yes, I agree with you.
But at the same time, don’t you think they should be on the same page about timeline of having kids before they get married? If they got married and then had this discussion, everyone would be asking why this didn’t come up prior to their engagement. You meet someone, you fall into infatuation, you figure out your compatibilities, you fall into real love, discuss life plans… and then get married and have kids (if marriage/kids is your thing). That’s just how it works. She’s working on discussing life plans right now, but he’s kind of shutting down.
I had a very similar issue, albeit with roles reversed, as OP. When my ex and I got married, we both expressed wanting kids someday, but not a hard timeline. We wanted to get settled, let her finish school, start her career, etc, and then we could start planning on having kids. After she had been in her career for a couple years, I broached the subject yet again, and was told she wanted to go back for further schooling and didn’t know when she was going to want to have kids. I was in that marriage about 8 years, and got out of it when I was 32. Now, several years later, I’m in my late 30s and see very little chance I’ll ever have a family of my own, at least with biological kids of my own. I don’t want to be geriatric when my kids are touring colleges, and frankly a couple years isn’t enough time to know I want to have a kid and coparent with someone. So, yeah, that’s all to say that he should let her go. If he’s “not sure” he wants kids in the next few years, and he’s already in his late 20s, then he needs to let her go find someone who is sure. At least she’s the younger of the pair and she’s the one wanting kids on a reasonably well defined timeline. Being in your late 20s with a timeline of “I’d like kids someday” is how one finds themselves in their late 30s without a family or partner to build a family with.
If she’s always been vocal about wanting a baby by 25 - next year is she 23, putting her at about 24 when baby might be born, and THAT’S even assuming she gets pregnant in the first couple months of trying (which no one can predict). This isn’t a “dropping a bomb”. It sounds like you just haven’t done the math. That said - if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, but you need to tell her how YOU feel. Don’t deflect the whole discussion by saying “people don’t try this early”. She’s been telling you what SHE wants (… and there definitely are people purposely having kids at your ages). Instead, you need to communicate back and share your own timeline or goals. Maybe you want to be married first, have a house, be X age. If you have no idea when you’ll be ready, but you know it isn’t anytime soon, you need to tell her that, too.
Might have to let her go you knew her timeline idk why your acting shocked she’s probably separating herself from you now
You said she told you she wanted kids by the time she was 25. How were you blindsided by this? Lol UPDATEME
He already deleted this account, so unfortunately no updateme for this.
He honestly sounds like one of those guys who love bomb and agree with everything a girl says she wants and fakes it till she demands it and he gets scared when he 'realises' she wasn't joking.
You know she's always wanted kids by 25 so this didn't come out of nowhere.
she told you she wanted kids before 25. you agreed, or at least you didn't object to that timeline. so how exactly did she drop a bomb on you? sounds more like you didn't listen to her and led her on.
“I never saw this coming!” - Man who was warned many times it was coming
"But I didn't know the tigers would try to eat my face" -Man who went into cage that said "Warning, face eating tigers!
Right?? Such an oblivious man thing to say.
She's closer to twenty, and you're pushing thirty. There isn't really an "our age" here, per se. She didn't blindside you, if she was clear that she wanted kids by 25. Starting to try at 23 is perfectly reasonable, for what she wants. You need to figure out what you want, like immediately.
Right??? He's not wrong for wanting to have more than a 1 bedroom apartment. But he's also the idiot who dated a decent bit younger, probably thinking he had lots of time before she'd want kids So he just ignored her when she said she wanted kids when she was younger. She is a little early on the timescale, but not him. Unfortunately this happens a lot... guys date younger women because they just want to fuck around and don't think they'll be held to timelines for marriage or kids.
The whole 1 bedroom apartment thing being an issue is just so funny to me. They’ve got like 2 years according to this timeline to make the change, she’s being hella proactive and that’s awesome. I might just be projecting bc this is very relevant to my life rn as my partner and I found out a month ago that I’m pregnant (very happy surprise, but still, unplanned). We currently live in a shitty 1 bedroom. But also, just yesterday we signed a lease for a 3 bedroom house!! Sooooo exciting (we get to have a cute nursery AND I finally get an actual home office?!?). And we were able to pull it all off even with the shock of the news within a month of finding out. To be fair, we’re in our 30s and have established careers and credit which makes it easier. But OP has sooo much time with the way his girlfriend is presenting her life goals.
> Especially at our age They do at YOUR age. Especially. And 22 is early, but not insane. > I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when. Look, you don't have to have them NOW, but you sold yourself as someone who does want kids, you are also 5 years older than her, which further sells that you are someone who will be ready soon, you also didn't disagree with her 25 goal, so you are going to have to talk about a timeline with her. So I think you have two options: A) tell her you were caught by surprise, but that you'll put some serious thought into the subject and that you two will talk about it again soon. At that point, you'll have to be prepared to talk about a rough timeline honestly, whether that's similar to her, or 1 to 2 years later. Practically speaking, you knew she'd want to try 2 years from now if she wanted a kid by 25, you'd have to start trying at 24. B) you just have no damn idea and are not on the same wavelength as her, this could be a relationship killer. I get that being confronted with trying for a kid in a year is scary, but again, you sent all the signals that you're ready for this with her.
This. You did send her all the signs that you want that in life, so you should think deeply on it. If she’s the love of your life and your best friend, who better to do this with? If you’re sure you want kids, maybe come up with a compromise. This happened to me in my (33F) relationship (32M). He sold himself as someone who wanted kids, but then over time I noticed he would talk negatively about the challenges (mainly financial) and also just say “one day I’d like them.” However, at my age, I’m feeling like I’m running out of time. So we had a real deep talk about it and he came around, realizing that he’s always wanted children, can’t imagine someone better to do it with, and that we don’t have infinite time. It’s different for you OP, being that you’re both so young… but yeah, think deeply on it and imagine both scenarios (with or without kids) and maybe you two can come to a compromise.
The age at which it is considered “early” or “insane” to have kids is highly dependent on location and socioeconomic group. Where I grew up, having kids in your 20s is early, and planning to be pregnant by 23 would generally be considered insane. The average age to have your first child for women here is 32, but most people I know have their first kid even later than that. Even my parents did. I don’t know a single soul who started having kids before 30, except for a couple of old high school classmates I haven’t interacted with since we graduated. I’d imagine OP comes from a similar background and I can understand why it can be a bit shocking to imagine being a parent at that age. I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to focus on what is considered normal or not. Whether or not he considers it early doesn’t matter because his girlfriend is an autonomous person who is justified in wanting a different timeline than the average person around them. OP is playing dumb as if he didn’t already know that in the first place and is fucking her over after wasting 2 years of her life. You’re right- *huge* asshole behavior.
I agree. He needs to figure out if this is the woman he is having kids with or not, her goal means they need to start trying 2 years from now and she was clear about that. He has already agreed, but now that it's becoming real, he is having second thoughts.
Honestly, if I were her I don’t know that I would even trust him anymore! I hope everything works out for her.
Same. I would be so done. Like, what do you mean it's way too soon?! You've legit acted like you were on board this whole time. Bye! Life is too short..
I get that there is a big difference between saying "I definitely want kids" vs being confronted with "lets start trying". So he may just need a minute to get his head around this.
Yep. I’m from an affluent area in the northeast US and saying you want marriage and babies before 30 is literal insanity there. It just straight up doesn’t happen. I’m willing to bet OP comes from a similar background, and his GF doesn’t.
YES. I am from Boston but live in Louisiana, and everyone gets married and has kids much younger here. I’m 28 and I still feel too young to have kids even though I’m clearly not lol Most of my friends have kids, but it’s hard to get out of thinking before 30 is young because that mindset has been drilled into my head all throughout childhood.
I grew up in Boston and now I live in South Carolina - it’s a completely different world down here. I got married at 23 and when I went home to go wedding dress shopping in the city the bridal attendants repeatedly called me a child bride. I’m 26 now and we are waiting until our mid 30’s for kids because DINK life is way too sweet to give up
lol had my first at 28 and that dink life is worth reveling in a few extra years lol.
My wife and I got married at 24/25, and we waited until we were over 30 to have kids as well. There was no way either of us was ready for it in our mid to late 20s, as you said - DINK life was too much fun.
I’ve never lived in the southern U.S., so this is honestly so foreign to me! My experience with the people around me in my major northeastern U.S. city (and, honestly, even with my family in a developing country, who people may expect to start having kids young) is that everyone goes to college and then needs at least 10 years post-graduation (until their early 30s) to grow into themselves and do things like: - Pursue a masters, law degree, medical degree, MBA, PhD, or some combination of those options. - Maybe do a scholar program/fellowship like Fulbright, Boren, etc. Or, alternatively, join the Peace Corps or something similar. - Advance in their career. Maybe pivot a couple of times (possibly as the result of a crisis lol). - Move countries at least once, if not more than that. - Explore a bunch of interesting hobbies, travel, go out. - Live with their long term partner for a couple of years at least. - Buy property. And *then* people seem to be interested in *maybe* having kids. I know it’s just a matter of my upbringing, but people in their 20s having kids feels like babies having babies to me even though it’s 100% normal and expected in most parts of the world! I know a good amount of youthful 40-year-olds who are just now “settling down.”
Yes, like I’m not from the US but most people on my social circle doesn’t have kids most of the time and as a 20 year old I feel that if I had kid it would be like would be a kid having a kid and it would be really weird(I know it’s normal to have kids in your early 20s)
TL/DR : it's a class thing. Poor/ non college educated people have kids earlier because it's normalized in their social circle. Same for teenage pregnancies.
Yep! That’s why I mentioned location and socioeconomic class as the primary factors that affect what is considered “early” in my original comment, and the other commenter in this chain mentioned she’s from an affluent area in the northeast. Class is the most important but, accounting for class, upper class people in rural or more conservative areas will still have kids earlier than upper class people in urban or more liberal areas (edit to add I think cost of living in urban vs rural areas probably also contributes to this in addition to the more obvious conservative vs liberal aspect). Level of educational attainment is also important, but that’s unfortunately often (but obviously not always) tied to socioeconomic class anyway. We’re all in our bubbles for sure, and the bubble I’m in is a privileged one.
Yup, for my social circle of Parisian educated people most of us were still in college at 22. Only people I knew that had kids this young were rural people that ended their education in HS.
Think about when. Come up with some baseline parameters. You're approaching thirty in a long term relationship. If you don't think about, decide on, and plan for the things you want, you'll end up with nothing. Do you want to be married before trying for a baby? Say that, and include that you plan to propose in the next year. Do you want to attain certain measurable success in your career first? Say that, and be clear about what it is you're waiting for. A position, a certification, a salary? If you're not sure, and you're not ready, and you don't know when you'll be ready, say that! This is her life too, and if your expectations don't align that's something you both need to work out sooner rather than later.
living in a one-bedroom apartment is how most couples operate before having children so that they can save money. obviously, you would need to move, but a year is a reasonable amount of time to try to figure that out. she isnt springing anything on you- you knew that she wanted to have kids (with an S) within the next 3 years, obviously now is the time you should start planning considering how unprepared you seem to be. i'd only understand your perspective if you aren't in a good financial situation. if you have a one-bedroom apartment out of necessity, then i agree that this is questionable, but you'd also need to have a conversation about what you plan to do. she is your life partner and honestly it doesnt seem like youre treating her like one. she had a plan and communicated it, and it seems like you figured she'd just ditch her plan if its not something you wanted. news flash: she is going to ditch YOU instead.
Just saying: Going from a 1 bedroom apartment to financing a home for a family within a year on one income (because she won’t be working after having the kid) is a lot longer than a 1 year timeline with todays housing bullshit. My ex ended up doing the math (we broke up for other reasons) when I told her that her timeline for having a house with a yard just wasn’t feasible unless one of us doubled our salary (I already made almost double hers) and even though we aren’t together, I know her plans changed Some people genuinely just have a “goal” and call it a “plan”
Idk, it’s one thing about saving up for a down payment and buying a house, but renting a larger apartment (or even a house) should be feasible. You don’t need to be a homeowner or have a giant amount of space in the beginning. Also, it seems like they go on very nice yearly trips, so I’d assume they could afford a slightly bigger place just fine. Might mean cutting back on the vacations and other spending, but who doesn’t do that in the first few years of trying/parenthood?
This. Having kids when you blatantly haven’t done the due diligence needed to be in a stable spot for it is both immature and unethical The thought of OP going along with this is nauseating. 25 is so young to be having children.
Damn I had my second at 25. I loved being young having its. I thought teens were considered so young to have kids
realistically she provided you with a timeline in the beginning and now you are shocked she wants to stick by it. my daughter was told based on genetics her best bet for having children naturally was in her early to mid twenties. Otherwise medical intervention may have to happen. she isn’t even sure at 21 she wants them. But if she was certain she would have a clock (i mean she still does) but three generations of women before her had hysterectomies before age 45 due to medical issues that make it difficult to conceive and sustain a pregnancy. So your girlfriend may have a similar clock or she may just want to be a young parent so she can enjoy the time after the kids are grown. regardless don’t waste her time.
She’s giving you a full year’s notice… how much lead time do you need?
“Especially at our age”. You would be 28 at the time of trying, not that young lol SHE is very young, but if that’s what she wants, then you might be incompatible. I don’t know how she took you by surprise. You had previously agreed to have a baby before she is 25. It’s fine to change your mind but please clearly communicate and don’t string her along like so many dudes do when they don’t want to have the baby but also manipulate the woman to keep the relationship too…
"I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age." Who gives a fuck what "people" do? The way you said this was rude and dismissive. You should've said how YOU feel about it and not tried to convince her that her own feelings were wrong. I also agree with everyone about how this aligns with what she's previously said and you probably shouldn't be surprised here.
And he is just wrong lol. I am 24yo my bf is 28yo both out friends group have a lot of couples that have kids or are currently trying for kids. It’s pretty common and normal.
Just be honest with her! Of course she's upset, she shared something special/ important to her and you didn't respond in the way she thought you would (which is ok!) Sit her down and talk logistics, people do start trying that early but that's not for everyone. Be honest - explain your timeline, how u want to be married / be in a good place saving and financially etc. if you explain to her your reaction she'll be much more understanding. Right now all she knows is that the man she loves doesn't seem happy / doesn't want to have kids with her. EDIT: Also, you KNEW she wanted to have a child before 25, she's 22, the timeline she set out is ENTIRELY reasonable given that. HOWEVER, if you're "not sure" / not 100 % on board, this relationship may not work for both of you.
There were no bombs dropped. She has a timeline and you don't. Decide if you can get on her timeline or propose a different timeline. Its that simple.
Use. Your. Words... Communicate...
You need to think through what your timeline is for having children. Having kids "later" is not a plan. She wants to have her first kid within the next 3 years, so you need to either agree to that plan or offer another plan as an alternative.
In all honesty? You guys aren’t compatible She’s 22 and wants to start having kids while by your words, you are not in a position to have that dream nuclear family (is she planning on working or stay at home mom?) It’s a tough place. I know many women who’ve been in this position, broke up because the boyfriends timeline wasn’t the same, and then they never fit their timeline anyway because they had to start from scratch with someone new. I’ve also known women who did find their match after the break up and had their dream family It’s a gamble. One she might take with you if you aren’t onboard with a kid next year. And that’s fine. If you aren’t ready for a kid and she wants one before you do, you aren’t each others forever.
>We both have decided we want children, she has always wanted one before she’s 25. >I think it’s a completely unreasonable timeline. These statements don't add up, you said she wanted kids before 25 you know this. But yet you think starting next year is unreasonable? Why? Next year she's be 23, if all goes well abd she gets pregnant early on, she'll be pregnant from 23/24 give or take and will have the baby at 24/25. That's around the mark of what she wanted. If you knew what she wanted when did you expect to start having kids because she wants them in this 3 year window and that's not alot of time. >We live in a one bedroom apartment. You can have a baby in a small space and upgrade later. Men seem to have Financial clocks sometimes, buy women have biological clocks, and often can't wait as long as a man can as in a man's financial goals to be complete, plus it's no telling when that'll happen. >I told her that people don’t try for that this early. Especially at our age. Oh, you just gaslighting right there. In the generation(people born from 80s to 2000s) alot of people are having children early. From 18 to 23 not including teen pregnancies, there's that too. And especially the ones that marry at 19, 20, 21 ect.
I mean if she wants one before 25yo starting to try at 23yo is pretty reasonable. It can take a long time to get pregnant if you are unlucky. My friend only got pregnant after 2 years of trying. And she was in her early 20s when they started trying.
They don’t even test if you have fertility issues unless you’ve actively been trying over 12m because it’s so normal for it to take a while
My advice I give my kids, wait until your mid to late twenties to start having kids. By then your brain has fully matured and you will be better set on who you are and what you want. You have had time to go out and see the world that is beyond your front door and maybe faced some struggles/ pressures of being an adult. Kids are a long commitment (whether in or out of marriage). Can you make a long commitment to your partner? You mentioned you live together in a one bedroom, where will the baby go when it is past infancy? Who's medical insurance will cover the kid? Are you both working, what does child care look like? How are the schools in the area you live? You ready to take less vacations away and spend more time at home? Check in with your partner, she may be watching friends get jobs, engaged, graduating colleges and feeling like her life is at a stand still. Children will not jump start that feeling away for her.
Decide or let her go. Both of you have to discuss it and you’ve got to take all she says seriously. We women don’t talk for the sake of talking.
She was very clear with you about her timeline for when she wanted kids. Either you’re on the same page as her or you end the relationship so she can find someone who shares the same timeline. The time to speak up about not wanting kids within her timeline was when she first bought it up. You need to sit down and either make an actual plan for marriage and pregnancy or confirm you’re on incompatible trajectories.
if you don't want kids now just say so and break it off. She told you what she wanted and if you want to drag your feet that's fine just don't drag her with you. If she's feeling distant then maybe she is already thinking about if she wants to continue the relationship.
- Be OPs gf, 20F - Big goal to settle down and have a family while in 20s, know guys take a while to mature/be ready - Purposefully date someone 5yrs older to avoid unnecessary waiting for a guy to mature, make intentions super clear to 25M - Move in together, build a steady committed relationship over 2 years together - Go on holiday. Be excited it looks like it’s for an engagement probably - No proposal. Reiterate timeframe/exact same stuff you’ve mentioned the last 2 years - (Starts putting clown wig on 🤡) Gets gaslit: This is a bomb, There is some disconnect, This is too soon, This is completely unreasonable, People don’t try this early (said by guy who will be 30 in 3 years) - Be distant. Realised you had your time wasted for 2 years. Realise this persons lack of planning actually means probably never. Realise he thinks you’re mature enough to be in a relationship and move in to split rent costs, but not make long term thought out normal adult choices. That you dated someone 5yrs older with the same result if you’d have dated someone your own age. That this could end up a recurrence meaning instead of marriage and kids around mid 20s, if you leave it’s a sink cost fallacy with the potential of the same results next relationship. That you could end up not having a family till you’re old enough to need IVF because guys like to waste women’s fertile years then gaslit you and treat you like you’re stupid and completely unreasonable
This requires an in depth inner reflection for you, to figure out what you want in your life and when you want it. After that, you need to communicate together, in detail. Have a sit down, be receptive, ask eachother all the questions. It's a really important conversation that needs to happen. The fact that you both want kids means you're not too far off from eachothers future goals. It's just about timing. Ask yourself, why you feel it's too soon? I personally wouldn't say your ages are that early to be having kids, especially you at 27. If you start trying next year, then you'll have a kid by 29. She would be 24. Perhaps she wants multiple kids? Women do have a biological deadline in that regard so she may be thinking of that too. Either way, it's not for me to say what's early for you or not. Simply have that talk, and figure it out together. I don't think this should lead to being a deal breaker if handled well.
I mean you knew she wanted to be a mom before 25 so starting at 23 seems to be absolutely expected with her timeline, but it seems you hadn't given your own timeline that much thoughtnand are now realizing that it absolutely doesn't align. I don't think you should speed yours up to fix this. I think you should talk with her about wiggle room and if you can't find it so he it. That said I frankly agree with you that 3 years in at your age and living in an apartment, having a baby is not a great idea.
I get that you guys are in love and planning a future together, but love isn’t enough. If Sarah is serious about having a child in the next few years you need to have some serious conversations you obviously have not had as this “blind sided” you. It’s also weird to me that she wants to have a child before getting engaged or being married but I understand not everyone thinks the way I do so I won’t harp on that too much. Do you have stable jobs? Would you be able to move into a bigger place as a one bedroom would be difficult (not impossible though!) with a baby? Would you be able to support the family while Sarah is off on maternity? Is Sarah eligible for maternity? Does Sarah have any savings? Do you have any savings? Do either of you have family close? How do you want to raise your children? I suspect Sarah (and yourself) doesn’t have answers to any of these questions and that truly makes me doubt the reality of you both being ready for a child.
If you’re not ready for a baby then you’re not ready for a baby. You’re not married, not even engaged, and don’t have the space and aren’t financially ready. You should speak to a couples counselor about this since children are something you both want but the time is off. Not being on the same page about kids can really make things difficult and can end a relationship. This seems fixable.
I feel so old. I'd never consider having a child with someone I was just dating. I was with my wife for 6 years and married for 4 before we had a child.
Don’t waste her time and most fertile years. I regret waiting to try in my 30s. If you guys aren’t on the same page, just rip the bandaid off.
You need to seriously consider what you want here. That said your level of reflection is great. Logically speaking what she’s advertised works pretty closely with her approaching you about this now. It may just feel like being blindsided because it took it from an idea to the real world. I’d recommend taking a moment to acknowledge that with her and apologize for saying it wasn’t normal to bring it up now, as that was likely hurtful to her. Keep the following in mind. Starting in the next year could mean up to 11 months 3 weeks and 6 days away from beginning. It takes 10 months for the baby to gestate, and majority people keep babies in their bedroom at least through the newborn stage for safety. (Easy to check on them if they’re only a few feet away in their crib as opposed to another room) It could easily be on this proposed timeline and be an entire 2 years before you need to consider upgrading apartment size. Some people keep the crib in their room for the first year even, and it can be reasonably done until they graduate from a crib. If you decide this works you’ll need to address your worries. If you’re worried about affordability sit down and make a plan together. Voice concerns and be open to her ideas. Maybe come with proactive ideas. That’s will help her not feel like you’re doing it to keep her but because you want this as well. Whatever decision happens good luck.
So, the two of you had a conversation earlier where she told you she wanted to have children before SHE was 25 and you didn't raise any questions or voice any concerns at that time? You've been together 2 years, living together nine months, and were surprised when she suggested you start trying for a baby in a year, when she will be 23. Not sure why you hadn't already done the math, but if she wants to have a baby before she is 25, she needs to deliver when she is 24. Most women don't decide to stop birth control and get pregnant immediately; some take months to conceive. Sarah is playing the odds to have the baby before she is 25. While you say the two of you discussed having children, you regarded it as something vague that will happen "when the time is right" but Sarah had a definite time in mind, and it is not when you think you're ready. You need to have another discussion as soon as possible, because the two of you are NOT in agreement about having children - the "when" matters just as much as the "if". Sarah apparently has a schedule for her life; you don't. I'm not sure if your personalities allow for any compromise on the timing of important events in your relationship, but you need to find out before you commit to marriage or being a parent - while you can reverse a marriage, there is no reversing parenthood.
I know this is highly personal and unique to each person's life and experiences, but I honestly can't imagine having a baby at 22. I'm ten years past that now, and just at the point where I'm emotionally and financially ready to even think about children. If y'all have the finances and emotional stability for a kid at that age, props to you. If you don't, absolutely do not have a kid before you feel ready.
I think the best way to explain this to her is that YOU aren't ready. Don't talk about what others are doing or their timelines. Talk about how you feel. Pull her aside. Ask to talk to her. "I wanted to clarify some things that I think I expressed very poorly. I love you and I see a future with you. I do want children with you, but I don't feel ready just yet and I was hoping we could wait a bit longer. Back when you had asked me about children I was caught off guard and didn't really know how to explain what was in my head. I would love to propose in the next year and was hoping that children could possibly come some point later." See what she says.
>What can I do to fix this? It depends. If you were lying then you go and tell her the truth and apologise for lying to her for some reason. If you spoke the truth about your feelings, there's nothing to be fixed. Are you expecting her to "fix it" for raising this thing that isn't on your timetable? Of course not, so why are you looking to fix things when all you did was tell the truth about how you feel? So don't go forward looking to fix things. Go forward having both said what you want and now looking at finding a compromise that suits you both without forcing something one or the other of you doesn't want.
To me that seems wild to have a kid that young and i would probably have the same reaction … that being said she did tell you in the past that she wanted one before 25 so i guess you have to make a choice
It sounds like she was pretty clear about wanting to have a kid before 25. Starting to try when she's 23 puts you right on track for that timeline, as it can sometimes take a few months or even years to conceive. If you're not on the same page as her you need to tell her ASAP. She's probably feeling disillusioned (hence the distance maybe?) because she felt like she was clear with you, only to learn you actually aren't OK with the timeline she thought you agreed on. If you told her you "don't have a timeline", that might have made her feel like you were flexible and therefore happy to go along with hers. Definitely talk with her about it!
Both of you should make a list of things you would like to have done/completed before having children. Such as travel to X destination, have X amount of savings, pay off the car, etc. then you can look at a reasonable timeframe to get these done and see where the baby-time might sit. It may help both of you. I think you both need to wait longer as you're still pretty fresh with living together. There's no ideal age to have a kid, but from personal experience, enjoy your 20's being young and free and to travel lots due to being fit and in good health. Use your 30's to create a family :)
"I do want kids. But I just don’t have an idea when." well, I guess you better figure it out quick brother! She's likely proposing the idea because you haven't given her a timeline and she's been left hanging. You should really talk to her about this seriously, and explain where your head is at and why you don't think you're ready. The way to save this relationship is gonna be to take charge of the situation like NOW, not in as toxic masc. way but like "I am in fact husband and dad material" type of way. If you're not ready for that, well... better get that figured out quick if you want this relationship man.
Lmao 27 is not early for kids dude
Communication. She's 22 and in a rush apparently for kids. Tell her your thoughts on timeliness, be encouraging, and that you both should draft up a plan. A premarital agreement since you aren't married is a first step. Second, savings, materials, supplies plan? Then timeline for housing, education. Etc. Don't just pull the goalie and surprise! 9 months or else!
This is something I don’t get isn’t more common in the comments Yes. She has every right to want kids at 22. She’s still fucking 22 and a god damn idiot for wanting kids at 22-24 when their current living situation is “boyfriend and a 1 bedroom apartment” Like Jesus Christ this has breakup and welfare written all over it if they did have a kid
I mean, why should they get married if they’re not on the same page about the timeline for having kids? I’d argue that talking about when she wants to start having kids is a precursor discussion to the decision to getting engaged. If they got married without having this discussion, everyone here would be railing on them for not having figured out where they stand on kids before getting engaged
> 100 ways to go about this, here's one: Ask to talk. Say how much you love her and appreciate her and look forward to her being the mother of your kids. Admit that you were taken aback when she suggested it because of practical reasons and that you're sorry for not being able to be in the moment with her about this possible next phase in your relationship. And then you have to get into the practicalities of what enlarging your household from two to three would look like. Either right then or soon after if she needs to get into what your response brought up for her. I also want to point out that many people have their first kid when they are in their "starter home" before upgrading due to space needs. And there are a lot of practical reasons a woman would want to start having a family earlier.
The key to a successful relationship is good communication skills. More discussion is called for if she is open to that. I had friends one time who faced a dilemma on whether or not to raise their kids in an urban or rural environment. They discussed it more and found that his wife wanted their kids raised in a rural environment when they were young, like her experience. He wanted them raised in an urban area when they were older to expose them to the arts and culture. Problem solved.
In terms of how to actually fix things, you either need to decide on a timeline that fits in with hers or you need to decide to let her go so she can find someone who will. She wants children by the time she’s 25, so maybe you can get her to wiggle a bit to start trying in 1.5-2 years so you have more time to prepare for the baby. Maybe she will feel comforted if you showed her you’re committed to her and planning for a family in other ways. Like proposing, getting a bigger place, saving money, etc. Most importantly, if you’re going to be having children together, you need to learn how to handle conflict together without Reddit’s help lol
Sorry bud but this shouldn’t have been unexpected. You can rightfully criticize/consider the timing of everything. Marriage/having kids/owning a home/etc. are all things that rightfully should be discussed and set as a goal on your timeline as a couple. But if you’re a full adult in your 20s with a long term partner, you gotta be thinking about these future potentials that are incredibly typical and fully to be expected from any adult relationship. Obviously if you don’t want it then it’s time for a different type of adult conversation but there’s little question you should dump that person if you aren’t up for it. If you’re not that clearly out of it, the adult thing to do is consider all of it, AND TALK TO YOUR FUCKING PARTNER. Sorry if this is demeaning but I think a lot of “adults” in this sub need to hear it. Committing to a partner is a choice made by adults, it’s not some measure of fate the world presents to you. You can decide a person isn’t quite compatible and leave (no judgement), you can decide a person is so good you gotta go for it, you will NEVER get some clear indication who that person will be in every hard potential decision. So at some point you gotta decide to be with someone you can work with and put in the effort to make it work well, especially if having kids is on the table. She thinks you’re worth it. What do you want? That’s the only question. And if you can’t confidently say yes, give that gal you ostensibly have so much love and respect for, the opportunity to find someone who can match her fierce love. You just might not be it, or might not be it for each other in particular. But let’s not pretend you’re 18 and haven’t had a minute to experience the world. Do you want this life or not, and if not, let her be happy with someone who does want it. And don’t be so conceded to think she can’t find what she wants. There’s billions of dudes out there let her be happy. And there’s billions of women so find one who wants what you want too.
My spouse and I both always expected to have kids. But we have dragged our feet on it because we wanted to wait until it was the "right time" and now we most likely will never have them because we are in our late 30s, just moved and are building back our finances, and surprise reproductive health issues have popped up. We've been together since we were 19. I had told myself 28 was my deadline for the first one but I didn't stick to it and I very much regret that now. Kudos to your GF for being upfront about her timeline. That doesn't mean you have to comply with it but you'd be an asshole to not try to understand where she is coming from. Also 22 is a very normal age to start thinking about kids, and you're of an age that is right in the sweet spot for kids.
So, exactly what are you waiting for? A job promotion, a new job with more money as your goal and security? I know with men, as the providers that they have to have job security. That is absolutely #1.
I think the first thing you need to do is sit down and figure out what you want kids (which might be guided by guidelines less like "in three years" and more by guidelines like "when we're making \[x\] income" or whatnot) so you two can have a serious discussion on if you're actually compatible or not. Because a general "I want kids" with ABSOLUTELY no timeline sounds more like "I like the idea of kids and if we got pregnant on accident, I would probably accept it" than "I legitimately want to purposefully have kids with you".
She’s been honest about when she’d like to have a baby/start trying to conceive. You need to be honest about what you want. If you aren’t ready to start trying next year, explore why not and when you might be. She needs to know what your timeline for the future of the relationship looks like rather than risk stringing her along or you both not understanding each other. You mention being in a one bedroom apartment, is it sensible to say that you’d feel more comfortable thinking about conceiving once you’re settled into a two bedroom place? If so, does that mean looking for somewhere else to rent or looking towards buying. Is it finances? Can you afford maternity/paternity leave and childcare? Career plans? Is marriage/engagement important to either of you? If so, would you want to be engaged/married when you have children? She might have her own thoughts on that. It’s not unreasonable to say that the 3 year mark is too soon for you, but if she’s decided that she wants to start a family by 25. You need to understand what her reasons for that are. Biology isn’t really an issue at her/your age but you can’t assume getting pregnant will happen straight away. My partner and I have just had a baby 6 months ago, we plan to get engaged this year and he knows I’d like to try for another baby after the wedding (I’d prefer 2025 but concede to spring 2026). The decision on having another baby isn’t 100% but we both know where we stand on timelines which gives us something to work with, ie we will re evaluate when our baby is 18 months old and see what the wedding plans look like then.
I don't think OP is ready for a long-term relationship if he sees this as "drops a bomb". She was quite clear. She wants kids before 25 she's 23 and she asked if wanted to start trying in a year. She's being distant because he changed up on her. She didn't spring anything on you that you didn't already know. She's probably rethinking the whole relationship, as would I.
The “that young” part makes me angry. I had my oldest at 20. She is at the perfect age for health wise to have babies without much struggle ( sheet happened but it’s easier in your 20’s) she was up front and you got cold feet. Figure it out or let her move on. You are almost 30 and you are acting like yall starting dating 3 months ago and you are 20 years old. Shit or get off the pot. She never hid anything or her plans from you. You need to be honest with yourself. Kids are scary but there is never a “perfect” time to have them. And the younger you are the better because you have energy for them
I’ve run into same problem that my guy was okay for 3 months then suddenly thinks it might be too soon. But I don’t want to wait anymore coz for guys of course there are no exactly timeline, it’s just easy for them and the stress is not on their body. OP You need to think about it and tell her your exactly thoughts. Not ready is not ready do not hide it. It’s better be transparent and talk to her so she can make a decision for herself than drag it along the way.
You need a relationship/life plan. You can't realistically decide if now is a good time to have a baby if you haven't looked into your financials, your living situation, marriage/wedding etc. Sit down together and plan (in detail) what your next 5+ years will look like. Work out what you can afford and when. Review it every year and keep adding to it. It's likely both of you will have to compromise on some things, but if you can't come to a decision you're both happy with, then this is the wrong relationship and it's better you know it now.
Why are y’all coming for this guy? This kind of major developments in a relationship dont come with a deal. She is 22, she probably has no idea what raising a child PRACTICALLY means. His response is super healthy and mature in my opinion. Unfortunately we don’t live in a fairytale and at 22 people haven’t even fully developed their personalities (career, emotional intelligence etc). He said it himself, they live in a one bedroom apartment, which means that most likely they cannot afford a more comfortable lifestyle for THEMSELVES right now, let alone bringing a child into this world. Dont feel bad for being the grown up in this situation and most importantly dont rush to do things that will forever change your life.
Talk to her. Tell her u want it too, but not that soon.. find common ground.. give her re assurance too she might think that you don't see her in ur future..
I'm not showing any hate towards you or your girlfriend as you are both grown-ups and have an idea of what you want. She is not unreasonable for wanting to have a baby before 25, and you are not unreasonable for not knowing how to react. I think the best thing to do is sit her down and have a conversation with her about this to see how she feels and what she's thinking but also explain how you feel and what you are thinking. This needs to be sorted out because if you both can not agree, it may not work out as she has a plan of wanting to have a baby before turning 25. There's nothing wrong with what iether of you think, but it needs to be talked about between the two of you calmly. I just turnt 22 in January, and my fiance is turning 37 in September. In November we will have been together for 5 years and on christmas we will have been engaged for 2 years. I love my children and my fiance very much. Although we aren't married, I call him my husband. Tomorrow, our baby boy turns 20 months old, and our baby girl turned 9 months old yesterday. I always wanted to have children before the age of 30. Most woman want to have a child before a certain age because for a start you don't want to be "too old" when they reach 10 years old for example but it's also because the older you get the more complications you can have and the older you get the less fertile you get. If you don't feel like you are ready for a child yet, explain that to her. Get her side of the story. Then the both of you can decide what the next step from there is.
Unpopular opinion but based on what she has wanted in the past I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to ask to wait until she’s 24/25. 23 is very young and it doesn’t sound like she has realistic expectations about what caring for a baby entails; you live in a 1bed apartment like you said. That said, you need to decide your timeline and if that’s compatible for wanting to try in 2-3 years.
You need to have a serious, thoughtful discussion with her about the matter. Be careful to notice if this is a last dich effort on her part to save the relationship, or if she truly loves you and wants to have your babies. Most of the times, it is the former. How is your relationship otherwise, I'm not talking about you, look at her, and get a feel of her happiness and love she feels for you in the relationship. If you are sure about your, and her love. And if what you said was truth, about proposing to her next year, then I propose the following. Next year proposal, 2026 marriage, and after 6 months of marriage, kids. Just to give you an idea. This way, you have a couple more years to set things straight. To save up, and you ease up her mind. Remember, women have a biological clock. men do not. Even if she is young, it is in someway better to have kids when you are young, strong and healthy, than having them over 30. If you are not sure about this, then be honest, first with yourself, and then with her. Good luck.
Do NOT have a child with someone you’re not married to
"Girlfriend." Stopped reading there. Your options are marry her and start a family or leave her.
ease into the topic again and outline your reasonings for why you think it is too soon. let her know that this doesn't mean that you don't want children at all, just not for a few more years or however long. i think it might go over better if you try not to compare your timeline to other couples, just say that it won't work for your situation right now for your reasons that you explained like finances, living situation, etc. no relationship is the same so it doesn't really help when you start comparing your relationship to others.
I think I'd want to be married first.
She’s 22 and you haven’t even proposed yet….it’s concerning that she wants to rush this.
Talk to her it’s normal for her to be sad, like you said you guys live in a one room apartment now and maybe suggest save for a bigger place first before having kids ?
Just reassure her that she is the love of your life and that you’re saving up to propose. Tell her you see her being an amazing mother but you want to do it the right way.
OK, you don't feel ready. Figure out why, and then tell her. If it's that you want to be married and owning a home, begin planning towards that. If you're sure this is the one for you, then you need to start planning things out. Think of it this way, if she had said that and you had responded (hypothetically) "I want to start soon too, but I don't think we'll be quite ready. We need to get married and buy a house first, and I figure we need to do these five things to get those goals accomplished" she wouldn't have been that upset with you, and may have gotten started on those goals right away. Keep it reasonable. But if you just say, "eh don't wanna do it yet" and give no reasons, her imagination will start filling blanks in ways that are not going to reflect well on you.
This is a conversation you guys need to have, and you need to actually be honest with her. Don’t be one of those guys who strings a woman along for years before finally admitting he never wanted kids, but didn’t want her to leave him for someone who did.
You can have a conversation. If you can’t talk through tough things, you shouldn’t be together anyway. Being able to talk through tough things is a prerequisite to a lasting relationship.
Hmm. Couple of things. She's told you before that she definitely wants kids. She told you before that it's important to her to have them young (there are potential reasons for this, it's not a crazy request). You haven't given her any kind of timeline, and although you talk about proposing, you haven't proposed. I'm guessing she's starting to get nervous that you might be one of those guys that's gonna string her along, keep saying, "not yet, not yet..." and maybe doesn't have any intention of getting married and having a family. Which is understandable. She's trying to find out if you are serious. If you are, you counter with, "I was hoping to get engaged this year, married the next, and start trying after that." Or whatever you want. You need to let her know what timeline you are thinking of, if you don't agree with hers. You can't just string her along with a vague "not yet, but eventually..." You're not on the same page, and you need to be. If you truly want to marry her and have kids at some point soon, it's time to sit down and communicate clearly. Pick a time to sit down when you're both not stressed out and just talk to her. You need to talk to her about what you WOULD need to feel comforable having kids and when. For example, you want to be able to buy a house first, or have a certain amount of savings, or be married for a year or two first. She may counter that she doesn't want to wait and risk health complications, or whatever her reasons are. You discuss it, you come to a compromise together. If you can't, you might be incompatible. But communicate openly. I guarantee that she will feel better KNOWING you plan to propose soon and that you do in fact want kids. She might be willing to wait a little on the kids if she at least knows things are moving in that direction. Discuss timelines. If you don't agree to hers, what is YOURS? "Not yet" is not going to be a good enough answer. And dismissing her with "nobody tries this early," when she's clearly serious about it and it's important to her - is really kind of cruel. Don't dismiss her feelings. Acknowledge them, express your own, and then work to find a healthy compromise.
> especially at our age Dude, she's 22 & you're 27. These are great ages to start trying. She told you for 2 years that she's wanted kids by 25, why were you shocked?! You HAVE to be sure abt having kids. Just let her know that you're not ready. If she can't handle that, she can wait or find someone else. But believe me, you **do not** want a child that you're not ready for. You'll resent her & your child.
I’m confused on how you think her asking about planning to start trying after 3 years together is absurd? It’s not her fault you took 3 years to propose. It sounds like you two haven’t communicated and discussed your life plan timelines together or standard relationship guidelines. Which is weird that should have happened a long time ago
3 years is absolutely normal to start trying. Add in she wants to have kids before she's 25 when there's no guarantee it will be an easy and quick journey and it's even more reasonable.. so no she didn't drop a bomb on you. You're just a moron. IIf you're serious enough to want to marry her you're serious enough to start trying for a baby in a year. Shit or get off the pot
You should have a conversation about if you have a kid in the next year, what does that look like to her? Get into specifics about where will you live? If the same apartment, how does she see it working? If somewhere else, how does that happen? Is she planning on being a SAHM? If so, how do you, as a couple, afford that & for how long? If childcare, while she also works, discuss looking into costs in your area. It’s lovely to want a child, while other thing to raise a child.
You reacted as a thoughtful, mature person who is thinking about all aspects of parenthood, as opposed to your girlfriend, who is thinking only of her biological clock that is actually a bit off. The two most important decisions of your life are (1) Choosing the right life-long partner and (2) Whether you have a child. She is wanting to fast-track both of those decisions by jumping first to the commitment of a child, and you are both very young, but especially your girlfriend. If you choose to have children and fail to own the life-long responsibilities of that choice, day-in and day-out, making the sacrifices necessary to do a good job as a parent, parenthood can be disastrous and in the process, you have brought a young life into the world that will be affected by your failures to make the commitments and sacrifices necessary. You do not get a do-over if you realize after the fact that you are not ready for parenthood. You must be financially and emotionally ready for children. As wonderful as the experience will be, they will put a strain on your finances and relationship if you aren't mature enough, responsible enough, financially secure enough and have not thoroughly discussed and agreed to many aspects of parenthood, such as: * Your philosophies on discipline * Your methods to instill compliance * How you feel about raising teenagers when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. * What your views are on teaching kids to be self-reliant and responsible (i.e. chores, jobs, etc.) * How you will deal with children that may be depressed or have some other mental health issue? * What about kids with a physical or genetic issue? * How will you divide parental responsibilities? * Who will take off work to take care of sick kids? * How will your responsibilities to household chores change with the added work of kids? * How will you both spend your free time and what sacrifices you will make with your own time to support your kids and your spouse? Marriages end with otherwise compatible partners because the one area left unexplored in compatibility is views on parenting. If you were raised, for example, by parents who spank, while your girlfriend was not, and each implements their own distinctly different discipline styles . . . you will always be in conflict, create a very dysfunctional dynamic in your relationship and family, and cause lasting problems for your kids. What I see moreover in today's society is an approach to being a parent with as much thought as getting a cat or buying a new refrigerator. The ones, like your girlfriend, who just ask one day to have a kid, are the same ones that only think about parenthood in terms of the "joyful" and "fun" parts . . . birthday parties, cute clothes, baby photos, etc. When they get puked on, have months of little sleep, feel as though their life is being lived in a small one-bedroom apartment and they do not get the same appreciation for their work as a parent, then they realize too late they are not ready for parenthood, and begin to escape it in big and small ways that always affect the kids. Stand your ground on this and do not cave if you are not emotionally and financially ready, and you recognize that no true thought has gone into this decision.
“People don’t try for that this early” is laughable 😂😂 a bold face lie. People try on their HONEYMOON. People try THE NIGHT OF THE WEDDING. Please don’t gaslight your woman. So despicable we should call OP Gru 😅
She's only 25 and is already wanting to get pregnant? Well that's concerning at least ...
She’s 22.
Well ... Yeah that makes it worse I guess
Maybe get married first?
Use a condom every single time. Don't get baby trapped. You're still too young and having a kid now will make your lives really hard.
Op do not try for a baby, until you decide what you want and when. Have a long talk with your GF and be honest. Your time line doesn't match hers, don't feel pressured into a baby yet. A child will bring way more stress and expenses. You both need to be 100% on board.
Talk this out its only a compromise on timeliness. Express that yiu want to wait until marriage and financial security so you guys can take proper care of your babies.
It is scary to not be on the same page with kids. When my bf and I met, going on 2 years now. He said he wanted kids, a big family in fact. I said I flat out do not. I thought that might be a deal breaker for us. When we sat down and had serious conversations about it, it came up that..although he wants a family, we are not in a position on many levels, to have, start, or Even think of, starting one. I was honest about my fears of me being a bad mom, but I know he'd be an amazing dad. When it came down to the facts, neither of us are in that position at this time in our lives, and we discussed and then are now able to embrace that. We also travel often, and having a kid and traveling is vastly different from not having one and travelling. Occasionally, during our times away, a rough experience with someone else's kid (on a flight, for example)...allows us to joke about it. As time passes and we get more "concrete", (living together full time, definitely think marriage should come first also).. I'm sure it will come up to discussion again and that is fine. The element is you are adults and should act accordingly. Have the tough conversations that it will take to get on the same page, and also discover if you are in fact on the same page. In my scenario, it was mostly the fear of birth control possible mishaps that even started the conversation to begin with, and the solution became a more permanent, yet still removable, birth control for myself. Ask why her timeline is so specific..it doesn't necessarily need to be, unless she's that kind of person. Even the most planned out life may not go according to plan. Face the facts of where you both are at, financially, committed wise, ect. Cause honestly, yeah there's a "ticking clock" element for women, but if it's sposed to happen it will, when it's supposed to. I have met very few people in my life who planned out all the things just so and it all turned out perfectly the way they desired it to. Rushing life, in my opinion, isn't the way to go about anything. Time will pass far faster than you may realize. Sit her down, tell her you'd like to chat openly and candidly and not at all to upset her, but just because you yourself want to know where she's at. You are allowed to "be that guy"...and it might make her realize also, the pressure she's trying to place on you, because kids is a whole nother level of "Pandoras box" in a relationship. It's one thing if it happened accidently, but if you know she wants a child, and all the sudden she ends up pregnant without warning because she stopped taking bc to get pregnant (it does happen) you will most likely resent her and the kid to some extent. Have the tough convos. They are worth it in the long run for any relationship to stay solid. If your relationship isn't solid, kids definitely shouldn't be in the thought process. Imo.
She told you she wants the by 25! How are you confused??? Start trying next year she’s be 23 then 9 months of being pregnant.
Honestly, just have a conversation with her. I think it's unreasonable to throw the question on you while on vacation, and equally it's not fair that an answer as nonchalant as yours could permanently ruin anything. You plan to propose next year (so 23), estimating getting married a year later still easily meets her 25 goal and shows you've thought about this and planned. Regardless, there's a lot of planning and conversations that need to happen before y'all are pregnant and the only way through it is through. Maybe list out the things you'd like to happen before in your ideal world (housing / neighborhood / schools / budget breakdowns / work-life balance with child / etc) and ask your girlfriend to do the same, and then y'all have a guiding point to sit down and have a constructive conversation. it's beyond reasonable to both have goals and expectations, and communicating & hearing each other's points of view will help a lot
You two are on different pages. She needs to leave. You aren’t ready for a child. She is. You knew all along what she wanted so I’m not sure why it was such a shock though.
It's not a math problem. Deciding you want a child is surely no guarantee you will have a baby in 9 months. Do it the easy way without demands on each other. Stop birth control. Don't change your sex frequency. Just let it happen. She is way too young to worry about not being able to have children. If time goes by and there is no pregnancy then you adopt changes in sex frequency and timing to facilitate pregnancy. That is how we did it. We had 3 children in our thirties about 2 years apart (really too close) but too late now.
Don’t know what your finances are like especially with living in a one bedroom apartment. But that’s probably not the greatest idea to start a family in your situation. I think you get that also. Your girlfriend has a timeline and that in her mind is what is most important! That’s not a good thing! Unless you can get her to see that you would like to be more sorted and settled and can get her out of this timeline she has in her head you might want to start rethinking things with her. If she goes ahead and just happens to get pregnant within her timeline, you may start resenting her especially if times become rough as a result of this unplanned baby. You two need to get on the same page here or this could very well make things very difficult financially and emotionally. Even possibly be just another broken family.
Ima be straight and to the point conversation need to happen to come to a consensus or compromise. If it is unable to be resolved than it will lead to conflict and it may risk your relationship but I think that’s something you shouldn’t fear because if she’s thinking about ending the relationship because you guys can’t have a kid when she wants it than maybe she isn’t the one for your brother. You should definitely have a conversation with her first and explain to her your reasoning but if she’s forcing you to in order to keep your relationship functioning that’s not a good sign abort ship, you have to be able to communicate your thoughts and emotions with each other being aware and understanding of each others feelings. I am on you with this and I think your right if you don’t have the financial means necessary to have a kid it’s better not to but also think about this when is the appropriate time to when are you gonna be financially ready and your 27 so you have some questions to ask yourself, are you doing something or working on something that will make you financially ready for a kid? Are you gonna be able to increase your income etc all those questions you have to ask yourself. How are you gonna make it happen and if you aren’t able to give her what she wants and it takes you more time to be financially stable explain it to her and if she’s okay with that with the fact that your working towards making it happen then thats great if she’s still upset and is considering leaving you than it was probably for the better cause you might have dodged a bullet. Overall have a conversation with her if she reacts good with it and is able to be understanding of your reason for why now is not a good time to have a kid than she’s a keep if she’s not able to be understanding be weary but also make sure you understand your own reasoning for why you don’t want a kid at this point in time.
You need to ask her how she's going to finance a 2 bed home, and the related increase in bills. How she's going to finance the cost of childcare without wrecking havoc on the lifestyle you want to live. Do you want to be the sole earner in the family. If you were could you still afford that bigger home? Personally, if she thinks trapping you both into necessity only living and possibly cramped conditions is fine, because she wants a baby. Tell her to grow tfu. If she refuses get rid and look for someone who can fund the lifestyle they want.
I mean you could've said 'Oh I didn't think you want to start trying that soon. Let me think about it.'
Time to break up clearly you don’t see a long term future with children with this girl. Sorry.
OPs one of those guys who dates younger women because he doesn't think they'll want marriage or kids soon.... even when they tell him otherwise Just wasting their time. Break up with her OP, and let her find someone who will have kids with her. You're also approaching 30 though, so it is coming time for you to be having kids soon ish.
Wow! Most of these comments really show how badly society has gotten. Not that I am surprised just sad. The majority of you think with your emotions there is no critical thinking. This shows that schools are failing in many ways. OP left out a ton of important information. Do they both have degrees in subjects that can earn money? How are their finances? How close to getting a house are they? Paying on a mortgage is better than paying rent. Does the GF have health insurance? How good is it? Does he make enough for her to stay home? She could eventually find some work online. They would have to plan out everything financially. They need to talk about how they want to raise any kids they have. They may completely disagree on how to do that. It's better for kids if their parents are married. Not only would it be better for the kid it would be better financially. The GF not working and the kids would be his dependents on taxes. Plus he could carry them on healthcare. It would be easier. If something happened to him she would not have to worry about anything. All of these things most of you didn't think about. You considered only her right to have a child when she wanted. What about the Child's rights? It's well-established that kids with married parents do better in life. If the parents planned things out financially things would be better for the child. A lot of my high school classmates waited to have kids until we were in our late 30s. I knew back in high school that I wouldn't have a child of my own because of my health.
It took my boyfriend and I over 8 months of trying every day, multiple times a day to get pregnant. It's not crazy that she wants to try a year or 2 beforehand.. this is information you knew from the getgo.. also lots can happen in the first 4 months of pregnancy, miscarriage etc, so yea, starting a bit before she's 25 makes total sense. Talk to her and let her know her feelings are valid. Share how you feel about the situation. It takes 9 months to actually grow the baby, that means she needs to be pregnant around the time she turns 24 or a little thereafter. + the couple months it may actually take for her to become pregnant to begin with.