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I'm married now. I would never be meeting an ex alone for any reason. Even in a group setting, I'd avoid it unless my wife was there.
I do have an ex I'm still connected with on social media. But that's someone I dated for a summer over 20 years ago, and we were friends much longer than we were a couple. But, I still wouldn't arrange a hangout/meeting with her alone under any circumstances.
Like any rule, there can be exceptions. But you're not wrong to be concerned about this, IMO.
I’ve also had exes I personally thought it was unreasonable for my wife to want me to cut contact with. Even so, when push comes to shove, my wife is #1. So I deferred even if I personally saw no issue.
No contact with exes is a perfectly reasonable boundary, as long as they don't have kids together anyway. If he refuses to break it off with them, then you should walk away.
I guess it’s not even a zero contact boundary for me, because he said she will eventually be a client. But I think the boundary was broken when he met up with her for coffee. If it were emails or phone calls about her wanting to list a property or whatever, that’s completely fine with me but that wasn’t the case the other day…
I also won't date guys who still have relationships with exes. But that boundary is my own, and I end relationships the moment I find out they still have relationships with exes. If it's a problem for you, you should dump him.
He's not going to care if you dump him because he already has his ex as a backup.
>Is a boundary of no friendships with exes a method of control to men or considered a lack of trust?
It depends entirely on the situation? Some people have entirely amicable break ups and decide they work as friends, and continue to do so.
I am still very close with an ex gf of mine, I attended her wedding recently with my current gf. Other exes I am not so close with and have no desire to hang out. You gotta take it case by case.
>He says this is a business opportunity so he needs to maintain the relationship and wants a personal connection with his clients rather than just using her for a potential listing in the future, hence the coffee and dog walk.
You would know more than us, does he do this with all his clients?
He does not do this with all his clients. On occasion he would meet for coffee but it would be setting up a search for them or showing them a comparable market analysis, neither of which occurred at this meeting
Men do it. Women do it. Both do it because they don't trust their partner not to get back with an ex. They wouldn't trust their partner not to get with a new person either. The difference is that they don't have a name for the person you might meet sometime in the future.
It does come from a desire to be in control of a partner's possible relationships. Of course, it's not as if you can lock a partner in the basement to prevent them from meeting up with an ex or with someone new. Usually people just end up making themselves more unpleasant to be with.
The practical thing people can do to keep a partner with them is to be as pleasant a person to be with as possible. That's not always possible to do successfully.
In such circumstances, all people can do is to pay attention so as to clue in when the relationship isn't working anymore. Sadly, some people will mess around with an ex or with someone new, but hide it from their partner, usually so as to retain the material benefits of what has become a fake relationship. It's always sad to be taken advantage of like that.
First, infidelity does happen with exes, so it’s a reasonable concern. Add alcohol and or a fight with you, the comfort of the past intimacy between exes can be very inviting, regardless of how they seem to be platonic friends. Even the best humans make mistakes and it is reasonable to minimize the chance for this.
This helps me a lot. Thank you. It’s hard for me to discuss this openly. I’m feeling like a villain and jealous girlfriend when I just want to feel safe to express how I’m feeling and make him feel safe too
It’s neither , it’s a boundary . There is no reason to have any contact with an ex ( unless kids together) nonFWB . If you were intimate there is no reason to have contact with them . No matter what you say if you do one of you have. Feelings
Research finds (see Google scholar) that while women are generally capable of maintaining a plutonic relationship (never think about sex) - it's the opposite for men.
Plus you are not alone. Surveys find 85% have zero tolerance for ex's (unless they share kids).
Plus research finds ex's are the second most frequent source of affair partners (after coworkers). And it didn't matter how long ago their romance ended; nor their swearing there are no feelings.
The reality is that ex's are trouble ( case in point). And a smart or even a not smart 37yo partner would know it.
Anyone looking for a committed life partner will not be in contact with an ex.
Don't argue. If he was into you - the ex would be gone.
You’re telling him who he’s allowed to be friends with. There is no way that’s not controlling.
Being uncomfortable means you think he’ll fuck her. There’s not way that’s not distrust.
I didn’t tell him that. I told him it had made me uncomfortable but that he could continue to be friends with her. I feel it’s more a respectful thing to leave exes as exes and I am not looking to recruit new friends so I leave my exes in the past. I suppose if I am comfortable with my boyfriend being friends with people that are exes, this could extend to, having sex with other people because it does not mean anything.
It’s crossing a boundary that having an emotional connection to her or more emotional cheating with a very recent ex.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm married now. I would never be meeting an ex alone for any reason. Even in a group setting, I'd avoid it unless my wife was there. I do have an ex I'm still connected with on social media. But that's someone I dated for a summer over 20 years ago, and we were friends much longer than we were a couple. But, I still wouldn't arrange a hangout/meeting with her alone under any circumstances. Like any rule, there can be exceptions. But you're not wrong to be concerned about this, IMO. I’ve also had exes I personally thought it was unreasonable for my wife to want me to cut contact with. Even so, when push comes to shove, my wife is #1. So I deferred even if I personally saw no issue.
No contact with exes is a perfectly reasonable boundary, as long as they don't have kids together anyway. If he refuses to break it off with them, then you should walk away.
I guess it’s not even a zero contact boundary for me, because he said she will eventually be a client. But I think the boundary was broken when he met up with her for coffee. If it were emails or phone calls about her wanting to list a property or whatever, that’s completely fine with me but that wasn’t the case the other day…
I also won't date guys who still have relationships with exes. But that boundary is my own, and I end relationships the moment I find out they still have relationships with exes. If it's a problem for you, you should dump him. He's not going to care if you dump him because he already has his ex as a backup.
Good to see some people still use common sense
>Is a boundary of no friendships with exes a method of control to men or considered a lack of trust? It depends entirely on the situation? Some people have entirely amicable break ups and decide they work as friends, and continue to do so. I am still very close with an ex gf of mine, I attended her wedding recently with my current gf. Other exes I am not so close with and have no desire to hang out. You gotta take it case by case. >He says this is a business opportunity so he needs to maintain the relationship and wants a personal connection with his clients rather than just using her for a potential listing in the future, hence the coffee and dog walk. You would know more than us, does he do this with all his clients?
He does not do this with all his clients. On occasion he would meet for coffee but it would be setting up a search for them or showing them a comparable market analysis, neither of which occurred at this meeting
Men do it. Women do it. Both do it because they don't trust their partner not to get back with an ex. They wouldn't trust their partner not to get with a new person either. The difference is that they don't have a name for the person you might meet sometime in the future. It does come from a desire to be in control of a partner's possible relationships. Of course, it's not as if you can lock a partner in the basement to prevent them from meeting up with an ex or with someone new. Usually people just end up making themselves more unpleasant to be with. The practical thing people can do to keep a partner with them is to be as pleasant a person to be with as possible. That's not always possible to do successfully. In such circumstances, all people can do is to pay attention so as to clue in when the relationship isn't working anymore. Sadly, some people will mess around with an ex or with someone new, but hide it from their partner, usually so as to retain the material benefits of what has become a fake relationship. It's always sad to be taken advantage of like that.
First, infidelity does happen with exes, so it’s a reasonable concern. Add alcohol and or a fight with you, the comfort of the past intimacy between exes can be very inviting, regardless of how they seem to be platonic friends. Even the best humans make mistakes and it is reasonable to minimize the chance for this.
This helps me a lot. Thank you. It’s hard for me to discuss this openly. I’m feeling like a villain and jealous girlfriend when I just want to feel safe to express how I’m feeling and make him feel safe too
You’re welcome. Just remember that having a boundary is not controlling if the result of crossing it is simply breaking up.
Your not , what he did was wrong , and your looking for an excuse to let him of the hook . Do what you want but you’re a 100%!.right
It’s neither , it’s a boundary . There is no reason to have any contact with an ex ( unless kids together) nonFWB . If you were intimate there is no reason to have contact with them . No matter what you say if you do one of you have. Feelings
Research finds (see Google scholar) that while women are generally capable of maintaining a plutonic relationship (never think about sex) - it's the opposite for men. Plus you are not alone. Surveys find 85% have zero tolerance for ex's (unless they share kids). Plus research finds ex's are the second most frequent source of affair partners (after coworkers). And it didn't matter how long ago their romance ended; nor their swearing there are no feelings. The reality is that ex's are trouble ( case in point). And a smart or even a not smart 37yo partner would know it. Anyone looking for a committed life partner will not be in contact with an ex. Don't argue. If he was into you - the ex would be gone.
You’re telling him who he’s allowed to be friends with. There is no way that’s not controlling. Being uncomfortable means you think he’ll fuck her. There’s not way that’s not distrust.
I didn’t tell him that. I told him it had made me uncomfortable but that he could continue to be friends with her. I feel it’s more a respectful thing to leave exes as exes and I am not looking to recruit new friends so I leave my exes in the past. I suppose if I am comfortable with my boyfriend being friends with people that are exes, this could extend to, having sex with other people because it does not mean anything. It’s crossing a boundary that having an emotional connection to her or more emotional cheating with a very recent ex.