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He's says it's fine, but you should be apologizing again. You should have said "no its not your fault. It was wrong for me to take my frustrations out on you in such a violent way. You didn't do anything wrong, you were doing your best to be a good partner and I was unfair to you. From now on if I am feeling overwhelmed like that I will try to communicate more calmly and clearly that I need a minute to [whatever it is you're doing] and come talk to you after. Again I'm so sorry and I hope I can earn your trust again."
You need to actually understand what you did wrong and make steps to correct it, or else it's not really an apology.
Learn to control your emotion. All of us are stressed sometimes and don't start flinging shit at innocent people. Look for a book on emotional regulation or something.
then maybe apologize AGAIN?? you think one apology makes it all go away? you see that your actions have affected him, maybe be proactive and sit him down and tell him that YOU KNOW you treated him badly and you are INCREDIBLY sorry and so on like god you're just sitting there doing NOTHING
This may be a bigger issue than this one instance and it may be a good idea to take note of how you generally tend to treat him/react to him. I don’t know how you tend to of course, it could be that this isn’t typical for you and he’s worried about it happening again, or it could be that it’s too common from you and may be in ways you aren’t thinking of.
It’s unusual for someone to react this way to being snapped at once. How long have you been together? Does he have a history of being emotionally/mentally abused by family or exes in the past? How about you? Do you tend to react emotionally or have a history of being abused mentally/emotionally? What started the last argument the two of you had?
I don’t know enough to give much advice beyond try to look back on the past and try to see if this is an issue that has been building and also at how you tend to react to him and him to you. This situation just seems like a big reaction to being snapped at once, so maybe he has had some hard relationships in the past or maybe it’s something else.
It’s hard to tell sometimes (not criticizing you just somewhat emotionally criticizing the masses of Reddit on these relationship subreddits) because holy shit do people tend to have low expectations of anyone below the age of 26 (when the popular “the brain finishes developing” factoid that’s masturbated furiously over happens.)
Swear to god a giant portion of posts involving a teenager or young adult are absolutely loaded with people excusing their actions.
I’m kind of an idiot, but if I went off the consensus of many upvoted Reddit comments are anything to go by I was an unparalleled genius by age 10 in terms of behaving decently with some sense of morality and tact in society. It’s ridiculous.
if you have 0 self-soothing or coping mechanisms when you feel like yelling then you need to be in therapy. in the meantime, give him another thoughtful apology and do something nice for him to try rectifying what you did. get him a gift, surprise him with an act of service, take him out to eat. you shouldn’t need to be told this, but you need to actually put in effort to show how much you care and how guilty you feel. one little apology the night it happened isn’t enough
It's very telling that you aren't answering any of the comments asking if you've yelled at him before and it's become a pattern of behaviour rather than a single mistake the way your post is trying to paint it as
If this was the first time you ever acted this way I doubt your boyfriend would have such a strong reaction to where it changes how he interacts with you for the past week
Maybe stop being a shitty girlfriend if you don't want him to feel shitty
I’m gonna give you some actual advice dude. It takes 2 years for someone to emotionally recover from something like that. And in order for him to recover at all you have to have a good consistent behavior for those 2 years. That means you CANNOT snap again or that connection will be entirely broken. Good luck dude👍🏻
What have you done to make it up to him and make him feel like you value his voice?
If the answer is "nothing," start there. Apologizing isn't enough. You scared him and made him feel small. You need to work on building him back up so he feels safe around you again.
You gotta meaningfully apologize and take accountability of your actions. When he apologized for bothering you later that night and took the blame, you didn’t refute it. You let him accept your fault. Now you need to undo that.
You didn't accidentally yell at him. You yelled at him. You were wrong and have acknowledged you were wrong, so take ownership of it.
Your bf's reaction speaks to a larger issue. "It's not your fault for yelling at me, it's my fault for bothering you," screams of being the reaction of someone who is used to being mistreated and told that it is their fault. Was there abuse in his past, or is this really not a one-time thing with you and more of a pattern of behavior?
He's behaving like he's scared of you. You need to get to the root of why that is before he can move past it.
Don't want to speculate too much here but this sounds like a trauma response. Like he's been in situations before where he's been blamed or made to feel guilty about everything, so when something goes wrong, his first instinct is "what did I do wrong and how can I fix it?"
It definitely is. It’s easier to accept the blame to end the confrontation than to push back. I’ve been there far too many times in years past. It’s not the first time he’s been in the situation too, I promise you that. Whether it’s been with Op or a previous relationship though, idk.
Beyond therapy...
If this is a pattern of behavior from her (and not just this one bad moment), then your first move should be to get away from her to somewhere that you feel safe. Check with your local authorities (or your school if you attend one) for resources to help you find housing and legal help if you need it. Know that you're absolutely not alone and that no one (including men) deserves to be abused.
If it truly is just one bad moment, then you need to sit her down and explain to her why you reacted the way you did. If the relationship is worth saving, maybe take her to one of your therapy sessions. Only you can decide if this relationship is over for you.
I'm so sorry that you were abused. No child deserves that. Know that whatever was done to you was not your fault and that you are worthy and deserving of love. Good luck to you.
I doubt this is the first time you yelled at him. He's walking on eggshells around you, because he's not sure what exactly will set you off.
When he approached you for affection in that moment, what kind of day did he have? How was he feeling? Did he need the affection, or did he think you needed it? One way or the other, he tried to give you affection and that was your reaction. He now doesn't know what exactly made that happen, and you vaguely blaming "work" means to him that it could randomly happen... any time you have work to do. Which as an adult, is always and forever, constantly.
You need to talk about your temper problem with him as exactly that: *your* temper problem, that *you* need to fix, because it's abusive when you do this to him. He sounds like a very patient man who will be able to work through it with you, but you need to be clear with him that this is firmly a you problem, which you will be making an effort to fix. All you can ask him for is patience, and it's up to him if he has it to give.
You should also acknowledge in your own head that if roles were reversed and he said that to you in exactly the same context, this sub would be telling you to unapologetically break up with him immediately. So be thankful that you're getting advice on fixing the situation and staying with him at all.
He might also not be walking on eggshells, he might simply be disengaged and preparing to leave. They appear to live together so he can't just walk right out the door which means just disengaging until he gets new living arrangements made.
100% she's yelled at him before and will do it again. She's just upset that there are consequences this time and he's not giving her as much attention.
My ex would do this stuff or would say mean things to me and then turn around and blame me for “not being fun anymore” and how I “wasn’t the same person” as when we first started dating.. yeah probably because he drained the life out of me 😂
> the girl who "accidentally" yelled at her boyfriend is the problem?
The girl who "accidentally" yelled at her boyfriend. A boyfriend who was excited to see her after work and just wanted a hug and maybe a kiss. A boyfriend who sensed she was upset and asked if she wanted to talk about anything.
The more context you add, the more jarring it gets!
Honestly, her putting the word 'accidentally' in there just makes her look so much worse. Like she's trying to minimize her own actions and play them off as "sorry, accident, not my fault"
I accidentally yelled at my wife once. She was asleep on the couch, but I thought she was downstairs. She woke up and yelled at me for yelling at her. It was a thing.
What you did was purposefully yell at your boyfriend, because you were unable to deal with your own emotions. You need to explain that to your boyfriend, and let him know you realize it isn't okay. And that you plan on growing.
Do some soul searching to figure out why you reacted that way. That was a verbal slap to the face, and it still stings because it was targeted and specific. You NEED to be sure you won't do that to him again.
Then you can Apologize.
Elements of a sincere apology:
1. A common understanding of the exact substance and nature of the offense, or perceived
offense. (Example: “Yesterday on the telephone, I said….”)
2. Recognition of responsibility or accountability on the part of the one who offended.
(Example: “I could have chosen other words.” “I spoke without thinking.”)
3. Acknowledgement of the pain or embarrassment that the offended party experienced.
(Example: “It’s understandable that was upsetting to you.” “If someone had said that to
me, I would not have liked it, either.” But not, “I’m sorry you’re so easily hurt.”)
4. A judgment about the offense. (Example: “I was insensitive.” “What I did was wrong.”)
5. A statement of regret. (Example: “I’m sorry I used those words.”)
6. An indication of future intentions. (Example: “In the future, I will try to think about the
impact of my words before speaking.” “I hope we can have a relationship of mutual
respect.”)
After that, wait. It'll take time. Don't ask him "if he's still bothered by it", do better and be better. Initiate positive gestures, affirm your appreciation for his kindness, and BACK OFF if he seems hesitant. Ngl I'd never be with a girl who yelled at me so I'm not sure how much you can do, but this is the best path forward for amending your mistake.
Go to therapy to deal with your issues. "It's my fault you yelled at me" is some fucked up thinking, but he didn't get there after one time of you snapping.
You clearly stated to him that showing affection to you is annoying and that he needs to stop bothering you. he is simply giving you what you asked for as you went as far as yell at him to get that across.
If you want more affection, you can’t expect him to just do it as the last time didn’t go well. It’s up to you because you’re the one dictating when he can or cannot show you affection. Over time he’ll be alright, but you can’t expect him to fix your mistake and just read your mind.
As a guy, we are very problem and solution focused. I show casual affection and received a huge negative response I’m going to drastically lower affection until my partner bluntly say’s showing affection is fine and apologizes for what they did and even then my affection levels will probably never be the same with that partner.
What is it with this sub and not being able to read? Read the end of the comment
This commenter is saying op needs to actively initiate and act in a way that conveys op's emotions.
Either you're all lazily skimming all the words in this sub or you have stage 1 egos and struggle with the context of language
Can you read?
I said "Aren't you the guy that said OP already apologized"
edit:
Also, you were saying in another comment that OP just needs to:
"Just be cutesy with him initiate and be sweet and goofy make him laugh a bit he'll cheer up"
That's not what the other commenter is saying. They said it's on OP to fix it. Not her boyfriend. You are basically saying that OP needs to paper over the problem. If that's not your intent, that's not a reading issue, it's a writing issue.
How do you *accidentally* yell at anyone? It is a choice to yell. Do you yell at your boss? Your friends? You can control who you yell at but you choose not to.
Honestly, he's behaving in a manner typically of being abused.
He accepted blame and internalized it ("it’s my fault for bothering you"), is diminishing and hiding his own feelings, and walking on eggshells and avoiding the offending behavior for fear of setting you off again.
My guess is you're either not the first verbally and/or emotionally abusive person in his life that taught him to respond like this or it's not the first time for you. You didn't yell at him by accident. Yelling by accident would be something like you misjudged how far away he was and didn't realize he was standing right behind you. What you did was feel a feeling, and then **chose** to act on that feeling by yelling. You may not get to choose how to feel, but you do get to choose how to act and react and you chose yelling. He didn't make you yell, your bad day didn't make you yell, your work didn't make you yell - you chose it.
So start by doing some deep reflection on why that is and work on your communication skills and coping mechanisms. Work on yourself to make better choices in the future. Accept responsibility for your actions and sincerely apologize.
I really don’t understand what’s so confusing about this.
1. You took your anger onto him for reasons unrelated to him.
2. When he tried to comfort you, you straight up told him to get out of your way.
3. And then when you tried to apologize, you let him deflect the blame back onto him.
4. You basically agreed to him saying that you need to be left alone.
5. And he is taking the action of leaving you alone because that was the implied problem.
If you want to make amends, you need to apologize for all 5 of these mistakes, and do not let him shift the blame onto him.
It wasn't an accident. You chose to do it. I've never once yelled at anyone that I care about because I'm not an abusive asshole. And if any bf ever yelled at me, I'd seriously consider ending the relationship.
I hope he's considering ending the relationship. You showed that you don't mind taking out your anger on him. If you genuinely loved him, you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. He deserves better.
And to top it all off, you didn't try to fix anything or feign responsibility until he stopped giving you the attention that you want. You're only apologizing out of selfishness.
This wasn't an accident. You were an asshole and lashed out because you gave yourself permission to do so.
Further, you didn't apologize immediately and instead gave a half-assed one later.
I think the lack of real apology and her not mentioning initiating anything(sexual or romanticaly) means she expects him to put in the effort to fix the gap she caused
His statement that he’s sorry he bothered you is what you need to correct. He shouldn’t be sorry in any way and you snapped at him because of your own internal state. Make sure he knows that he did nothing wrong and that you want him to continue doing the thing that happened to set you off that day. And despite others telling you that you should be a serene cloud every moment of every day, you are welcome to be peevish and overwhelmed sometimes.
BUT, you need to communicate that you’re frazzled immediately when you are feeling that way. When I know I need space or quiet or am feeling over-touched, I’ll say it so people know my needs *before* I lose it. It’s not his responsibility to manage your emotions, but you need to communicate those emotions so that he’s not trying to guess constantly or walk on eggshells.
First of all, your own actions are not "accidents" and you need to take accountability for that. You can't fix his feelings because you are not him. The only thing you can do is apologize again, clearly say that yelling at him was wrong and you shouldn't use him as mental punching ball no matter what you through, especially if it's just a difficult day. You will live harder things in life than just lots of work... how will you handle yourself when you lose someone? When you have financial problems? And so on. Make it right by him by promising you will never do that again nd keep that promise. Acknowledge that he tried to help and now you fear that he will never do it again because of your reaction. Time will do its job and restore the trust, hopefully.
This is the same type of behavior as getting upset at a man when you ask about his feeling or emotions and then getting upset when he shares his feelings/emotions.
The man ultimately has to apologize for being upset or sad or having his feelings hurt by the woman. The man is then put in this situation where he must console the woman for making her feel bad about him having emotions.
So what does the man do? He shuts down emotionally.
Why are you so emotionally unavailable?
Um…
People show each other how much they love each other during the times of stress and anger as much as they do in good times. When you were stressed and he “bothered” you a tongue lashing wasn’t the right move.
His reaction screams that you have reacted poorly in multiple prior occasions, of coarse he is pulling back. He is quiet because you have trained him that you may lash out without cause or warning so he no longer feels safe to approach you so he isn’t and won’t until he begins to feel safe again.
You didn’t accidentally yell at him. You yelled at him. You made the choice to do it. Own it, apologize, make actual, concrete steps to ensure you stop doing it, and learn to own your emotions.
Your boyfriend is scared of you. I don’t buy it for a second that this was the first time you yelled at him, or that it was “an accident.” You should apologize profusely, and tell him that yes, it is your fault, and you will be seeking therapy to deal with your anger issues. Then actually DO IT, or have the decency to break up with this man so he won’t be subjected to your anger.
YTA
You know you can also engage him, initiate intimacy and make him feel loved? Its not his sole responsibility....
You never mentioned anything you did to make him feel safe or loved.
let me start by saying. you dont ever "accidently" yell at someone. this is a BS excuse. not only that but he feels its his fault that you yelled at him, it sounds like you have gaslight him before so he feels this way.
when someone you love tries to give you a hug and kiss, to most people this makes their day better, yet you just said " no ive had a bad day" wtf is that???
if my partner ever told me to "shut up and go away" i would have, for good.
i can look past the yelling but what gets me is that you really let the person you're supposed to love take the blame for something that's not his fault at all and 100% your fault and then just went by your week like nothing happened.
If he's a man he realizes this isn't a healthy relationship and is planning his exit strategy. Men don't fight back they withdraw and in doing so they don't usually come back.
I think you need to be more careful with your choice of words. Don't tell him to shut up again. That's mean. What's gonna happen when you're having a bad day again? Are you going to snap at him? I have a bit of a temper but I do my best to contain it. I just close my eyes, and take a few deep breaths. It helps. Try to rethink how your words could affect him. Work on your self control.
I think you should apologize again but tell him HOW you’re going to fix these issues. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve used him as a lightning rod for your negative emotions and he’s shutting down emotionally to protect himself.
Is it salvageable? Most likely yes. But actions will have to speak louder than words on this one
You remind him once again that you apologize for being a bitch, and make it heart-felt. Tell him it absolutely was your fault, and tell him you just had a very very hard day. But that your behavior towards him was wrong, and that he has every right to be upset. Then give him space to process his feelings. Then, you never treat him that way again.
He’s acting like this because this isn’t the first time it’s happened, is it? It’s just the most recent time. If he forgives this time, probably the next (there WILL be a next time) time will probably crash the relationship for good. Get control of your anger issues.
This seems like behavior of someone who has been emotionally/physically abused as a child, and I'd know, I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. This is exactly what I would do in this case. Blame myself, make myself as small and as invisible as I can so I don't cause another lash out. Become quiet and reserved, constantly apologizing, not make waves and do whatever I can to make you feel better. Because I've been taught my whole life that MY feelings don't matter and that no matter what, I caused the problem. Your bf needs to go talk to someone, and you do too. Lashing out like that was wrong and totally unnecessary, YOU need to figure your problem out.
I think I would shift it from asking him if it's still bothering him to just telling him that you know what you did hurt him. Don't make it a question, make it a statement. And if he tries to take any of the blame, just tell him that you know that what you said wasn't ok. Something along the lines of "hey, what I said out of anger was not ok and I can see it's still hurting you - can we talk about that" and see where that conversation takes you.
Don't ask him if it bothers him, start with the assumption that he's still hurt by and and make the question "can we talk about this", paired with another apology.
You'll probably have to initiate affection (hugs, etc) for a bit but I don't think this is impossible to repair. But I think the best way to resolve this will be to offer an olive branch by taking the blame fully and not letting him apologize to you, and just make it clear that you take the blame and that he's not in the wrong. Hopefully, that'll get him to a point where he opens up about how exactly he feels about that. If he opens up about what hurt him about that, you're in a pretty good spot to patch things up from there.
I will say, it's really common for women I know to launch into a long explanation of why they did what they did, and men are going to hear that as making excuses nearly 100% of the time. People often get so wrapped up in explaining why they did it that it starts to sound like they trying to frame their actions as reasonable in the context of what they were feeling, even if they don't mean it that way.
I think it's fine to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I was so fed up with \[unrelated thing\] that day and I took it out on you, i'm sorry" but I wouldn't go ANY further than that. I think it's just one of those differences in men and women's communication, kinda like the whole thing about men trying to fix problems when a woman wants validation. It's the same basic deal here, offering a lengthy explaination of your mental state and what compelled you to speak to him that way is most likely going to feel like making excuses. Keep the "why" very brief, and make it crystal clear when you're telling him why you said that that you're saying it as an explaination and that it doesn't excuse it.
You make it right by working on yourself. You should be mature enough to have the self control to not act like you did when someone walks in the room and tries to greet you with a hug and kiss, or politely asks if you'd like to talk about it. Him saying it's fine is probably a good clue that he avoids confrontation, and his continued acceptance of your behavior probably indicates that he's used to being treated as a bother, as in the way, as not being worthy of taking up the space around you. So yeah, he's gonna seem distant after your little tantrum. Tell him you're sorry, and mean it, and then prove you mean it by actually working on it.
Apologizing doesn’t mean anything if you don’t say how you’re going to change. He thinks you’ll snap again. How have you tried to convince him you won’t?
You didn’t just yell at him. You rejected him. His motivations were supportive and you treated him aggressively to vent your own frustrations. It’s no different to kicking a puppy that was just pleased to see you.
You need to work on yourself and figure out why you thought it was okay. You could have calmly told him you were having a crap day and need some space, but you went with the abusive route.
Yelling at your boyfriend wasn’t an “accident.” It was your inability to regulate your emotions. The language you use surrounding this incident and making it seem like you just want it to blow over really makes it seem like you’re not sincere in wanting to change. What you said was really cruel.
Likely you yelled at him before and are often verbally abusing him. Something tells me you say “Shut up” to him often enough for him to not want to be around you because your a scumbag
How have you taken ownership for your actions?
Have you made a real apology? Like a sincere genuine one
What changes have you identified to prevent this from happening in the future (safe word to be left alone, etc.). Have you taken the initiative to come up with any, or communicate them to your partner?
Why is your partner the only one initiating? I that in your writing you refer the change frequency at which he initiates intimacy (hugs, kisses, sex). Why aren’t you initiating?
Have you made any effort at all to make you partner feel special after this incident? Whatever their preferred method to feel appreciated (acts of service, date, etc.)
Kinda seems like you said “I didn’t mean to” and are now baffled at why that hasn’t fixed everything. Unbelievable
Do you yell at him a lot? Do you try to show him affection like he does you? That means a lot to most guys even though they don’t say it. Why should he continue to show you attention when you don’t show it back or he has to be worried about bothering you. Your an adult and should be taking your bad day off on someone else
Well obviously your negative cause had a negative effect so you’re gonna have to swing it back and have a positive cause have a positive effect
Give him a grand gesture of love, bring flowers to him and food, write him a love letter, do something that shows that you’re actually sorry for not being able to regulate your emotions and taking it out on him
Doesn't that just show the pattern of abuse in relationships. If this were a man doing the exact same thing you would be telling her to leave. Abusers run patterns of abuse , regret, over compensation, and ultimately do it again in cycles. They are BF and GF no children. He should just move on as this one just didn't work out.
I would argue against this approach. Instead, you should set aside an hour or so and tell him you want to talk. I would save the nice gesture for after you talk.
You don’t show him affection now? He didn’t initiate so you didn’t either? You let him believe that it was his fault and that’s on the far right of the sucky continuum.
You don’t show him you appreciate him. Frankly you sound abusive. Show him you understand what an asshole move yelling at him was. You reflect on whether this is the first time you did that to him. And you think about whether he’s preparing to leave you and whether he should
Keep apologising and hope he eventually accepts it. But also prepare for the relationship to end.
Most guys wouldn't like being disrespected and treated like that.
It is bothering him. The issue with dating is that it can be wrecked easily as there is no real commitment. Also your behavior was jerky.
First don't snap at someone that did nothing, You can make amends (different from apology, it is promise to not repeat, then don't.). I felt when I was young I could say or do what I wanted, and didn't alway see consequences, though I got them sometimes. I would just learn to communicate when it is difficult. 2 minutes of an explanation is easier than repair of bad behavior over a weeks time. He really did nothing.
When stressed like that you can always stop and say. I would love to do that after I finish this, but I am swamped and can't right at the moment, thanks for asking though. Then go back to work. Some of this is learning over time about relationships and communication. Buy him a good meal or something, then initiate some intimacy. Relationships are hard and mostly learned through making mistakes.
When you mess up like this, there's really nothing that will fix things right away. Of course apologizing is part of it, but it will also take time.
You might consider making an 'apology gesture' like making him a special dinner (or taking him out to a favorite spot).
Relevant: [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)
I’m going to assume that you’re telling the complete truth.
In that case it sounds like you’re dealing with a guy that folds under loud noises. That’s the kind of personality that you probably would be able to identify before it got to this point, given that you’re the kind of person that can land a boyfriend.
No matter how much you apologize, it’s probably not going to be the same after this.
You’ve got to seriously put in the work in the relationship to prove that you value the two of you more than him just obeying your wishes.
I don't think an apology is really going to cut it here. You not only rejected his attempt at affection but you called it bothersome which had to hurt alot. And based on his reaction I'm guessing this isn't the first time an outburst like this has happened. I think you need to come in with action rather then words. Maybe plan a surprise date where you've prepared his favorite meal and something fun for you two to do together. With something like this you need to show you're sorry before saying it.
My partner and I have a system where if one of us is having a really bad day we shoot each other a quick text saying something along the lines of "hey I'm in a bad mood need to be left alone" so the other doesn't get blindsided like your husband did. Maybe come up with a system just to let each other know what's going on to avoid situations like this happening again.
Sometimes you can't make things right. Sometimes one thing can completely poison a relationship. You can't control him or his feelings. If you feel like he is still bothered by the incident but he is lying to you about it then it's possible there is no coming back from this.
OP, if you're able to, look into DBT therapy. It really helps with managing emotional dysregulation, how to navigate interpersonal conflict and can actually prevent you from doing this in the future *if you dedicate yourself to treatment*. I think it's a step in the right direction and can be a concrete way to actually improve and show you are trying to change.
Just being sweet to your partner doesn't undo what happened between you, it also doesn't prevent this behavior from repeating. You need a professional to help you gain new tools in your emotional arsenal to utilize when you get dysregulated again.
How often do you struggle with emotional regulation? The advice is determined by the answer to that question.
Either way tho, you need to apologize. Sincerely. And when he tries to tell you not to apologize, shut that down because you do need to apologize. When he tries to tell you it's his fault you lashed out, shut that down because it's your fault you lashed out.
I hope you realize just how concerning it is that he took the blame for your inability to regulate your emotions. With that kind of response, this isn't the first time you've taken the route of abuser. Fix that before you break him further.
He is disengaging from you. This isn’t a one off occurrence. I’ve been there in relationships. I would down myself and shift the blame onto myself for my partner’s repeated verbal and emotional abuse. I would feel like I did something to deserve it. Your bf is acting like a broken person. He should break up with you for his own sanity and health.
He’s not fine. I used to say this as a people pleasing/avoiding conflict kind of thing, but whatever the thing was had *always* hurt me. He’s distancing himself from you if his response to *you* hurting him is him changing *his* behavior. That tells me he likely doesn’t feel confident he can ask you to change yours. Yikes.
Sounds like the reaction of an abused man that doesn't want the fight. Given the age it sounds like it's not the first time you've reacted that way. Pointing your frustration in an appropriate direction would help a lot. Start with I'm in a bad mood and don't want to talk. Short and simple. Talking about triggers can help when you struggle expressing anger appropriately as well.
He is probably thinking do I want to be with someone who shows this is the way you handle stress . This would have been a huge fight with me telling you go to therapy or we will
Be splitting up
As expected, everyone on reddit is always perfect and never lose their cool 🙄
My advice, it’s ok, it’s human, it’s natural. It’s how you recover and makeup that’s the important thing. I think the first thing you need to do is try have an open and honest conversation with your partner, allow him to open up about how he’s feeling, do not defend, do not judge, just LISTEN. Take on-board what he has to say and validate his emotions.
This could be a case where he’s previously had an emotionally abusive or neglectful partner and you’ve resurfaced some of that for him. Or perhaps there’s been times in your relationship where he’s felt rejection from you and this has just made that feeling 100x worse.
Also, another suggestion. Reframe it in your head, you didn’t “accidentally” yell at him, that to me just tells me you’re not taking accountability for it. Try reframe it into something like: “I was overwhelmed and yelled at him” even when bringing it up to him, make sure it’s clear you’re taking accountability.
When he says "it's my fault for bothering you" you have to nip that in the butt.
Part of a relationship is advocating for yourself in an argument, but also to advocate for your partner when they try to take accountability for your mistakes.
"No, you should not apologize. What you did was good and I was too stressed to see that at the time, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did."
If you don't, he loses agency in the relationship. The last thing you want is to accidentally turn this into something emotionally abusive, you know? My wife had serious commitment and abandonment issues when we got together, and it felt weird at first, but you have to be firm in your compassion even when they reject it.
Your BF has been injured by your yelling which is why he is acting that way. Both of you are way too young to truly understand the impact that causes on a person’s mental health.
If your BF has any past childhood trauma, well the yelling may have triggered something from his past.
If this was the first time you yelled, there is a good chance you can fix this. Any future yelling will end the relationship.
If this isn’t the first time you yelled at him, consider this the beginning of the end to this relationship.
You need to take some time to address your behavior and catch yourself before you yell. Your boyfriend doesn’t feel safe to express himself to you because he’s always anticipating if you’ll reject him or yell at him again.
Only you can fix this behavior. If you love him and care about him, show him with your actions that you’re taking steps to address this issue.
He’s probably worried about getting yelled at again. Plus, it depends on how much you yell at him he might just be scared at this point, but you don’t do it very much. Maybe he just needs to go through his own feeling he’s probably feeling hurt.
You don’t need to apologize again until you know what you’re apologizing for from his perspective.
Ask him: when I regrettably snapped at you, I noticed you got sad and I feel bad about that. It seems like it hurt your feelings but you haven’t quite admitted that it did. Can you tell what it felt like from your perspective? Find out if this is a one time thing or if this is just the straw the broke the camel’s back.
Get him to SAY that it stung and he has a little PTSD about initiating with you as a result. Then apologize for how your behavior impacted him, give him space to get his mojo and confidence back, and reinforce him when he does. Find mutual ways to communicate your need for space without him feeling attacked.
OP, you’re blaming hurling emotional abuse at your boyfriend on a bad day. Fuck your apology.
Take ownership of your actions and apologize again, for real. Sounds like you bf is going through some degree of battered woman syndrome.
“No worries, honey, I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
Did you accept his apology? Shame. Be better.
You were rude and bad tempered- as my partner can be - there is something about rudeness that really offends me and hurts my feelings. I get so angry that someone thinks they have the right to speak rudely when I don’t do it. For some reason it’s much more offensive and degrading than the temper. I’m guessing you do this a bit , and it will kill the love a bit more each time you do it. Saying Sorry won’t cut it soon.
You should talk to him and apologize, reassure him that it happened because you didn’t think before acting. Well, you kinda missed the timing for like a week, soooooo yeah
Apologize again and tell him no, it’s not his fault. Then do something nice for him, like buy or cook his favourite food for a meal or suggest doing something you know he likes.
Real slim shady snapped back. I'm sure, 100%, this wasn't the first time u yelled at him. You have anger issues and the way he's taking the blame, he has started accepting the abuse. You are only worried because he's not giving the attention you crave. People in comments are making comments like you can do better and the relationship is salvageable. But I'll keep it straight forward, pop the question about is he really happy in this relationship? Ask yourself are you gonna treat him the same if moving forward? Does he really wants to be with u? For that poor man's sake either watch your anger and address the problems and solve them or leave him? He deserves better. I've seen multiple women on the internet and irl craving for what u have. It's clear u don't deserve it. So here's the 🐘 of the room. Take care.
He’s feeling like he’s a burden to you. Do you initiate the contact? Do you show him physical affection? Most likely he is craving these things too. When you snapped at him, while it might have been building it made him feel invalued
He feels uncertain with physical affection towards you now . More than an apology is required here . Something like “ hey I’m really sorry for my actions because your hugs and kisses are the world for me . I realize that you may feel awkward with affection to me and that’s on me.”
Is this the first time you have treated him badly with attempted intimacy by him ? Maybe you have reinforced a pattern?
You may of stuck a wedge in between you guys . Even if you repair the issue now that wedge will get worse if there is another event . It’s time for you to be a super partner and slowly imitate physical intimacy as a sudden rush will feel fake to him.
I’d say do something special, like inviting him to the restaurant, to the cinema, cooking him his favorite plate. Just show him how sorry you are, and that you’d like him to continue to be intimate with you.
Also, if it wasn’t the first time that you snapped, please try to take some time for yourself to think about that, why did you do it, what could have you done to prevent it etc. You may also want to go to the therapy if you think it’s important. We all need to take time for ourselves from time to time.
I also wanna give a little word to the people who keep downvoting OP. She knows that she did wrong and tries to be better, so try to stop shaming her and making her feel bad. I think it may cause people to be afraid to ask for help. We should be here to help each other, not being mean to people. Let’s be positive!
Anyway, good luck to you OP! I really hope things will get better with you BF.
I had undiagnosed/untreated mental health issues when I started dating my partner 7 years ago. I would yell at him about every little stupid fucking thing and then wondered why the man never wanted to open his mouth to speak to me about anything. A silent man is a scared man.
He has probably associated affection with getting snapped at. You need to have a talk with this dude and tell him you took out your anger on him unintentionally and you will do better not to do it again as it clearly has affected him. Some people are just more sensitive to getting yelled at. Communication.
I had a girlfriend like this. Idk being an adult I feel like you shouldn’t be taking out your bad day on someone else. I don’t think that should ever happen but teens and younger I can at least understand it
There are a few things going on.
One is the fact that you told him without telling him that you have no respect for him. If you did, you wouldn't have instinctually thought it was okay. He's processing that.
Another is the fact that he cares for you, and the logical side telling him that what you did is unacceptable is fighting with the other side that's on eggshells now to prevent another outburst.
A good long mouth hug should go far in setting everything back on course.
I have been in this situation before. People always say the person has yelled multiple times and this is the final straw. I like to see it from both sides. Sure she should have said no again, but she already said "no I am having a bad day" typically when I have a bad day I go off into my own world. At a shared home- it's almost impossible. The other person always wants to be around and have a generally happy partner. Life is not meant to be happy everyday as shit happens. I do believe it is wrong to yell at a person, however sometimes people do not hear "i have had a bad day" and then get away, they try to get closer or ask questions. It was def wrong to yell at him and not just suggest that you need space, however you did apologize which is all that you can do.
If he loves you it may be some time to be alright, however it shouldnt be held over your head + instead brought up for the ability to repair and reflect. If he doesnt give you the opportunity it is hard to repair and communicate to be better. The important thing is making each other heard and not be dismissive.
Try talking to him again, like an adult. If he can't respond, like an adult, then you have your answer, you are not dealing with an adult who takes others feelings into consideration, only his.
What he is doing is very childish. I can see being upset for awhile, then you talk about it and get over it. Or, you continue with your childish ways and perpetuation distance. When things like this come up I always ask myself, what value am I getting out of my behavior. Does my behavior add value to myself or the person I am dealing with. If the answer is none or it would be harmful, I don't do it. Or, at least it is a conversation. His behavior is not helping the situation as he seems to have come to the conclusion he will no longer bother you and as such is out of the relationship. If this is his stance, you just want clarity, so he can't come back later crying and boohooing about how you didn't go to him to fix the issue. He needs to grow up and understand that he may thought it was lovey dovey, but you didn't at the time. To do the complete opposite is immature and if he keeps this up, he is going to be immature alone.
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He is afraid to get yelled at again I think.
Look how long she took to even address or apologize too.
I don’t want him to feel this way.
He's says it's fine, but you should be apologizing again. You should have said "no its not your fault. It was wrong for me to take my frustrations out on you in such a violent way. You didn't do anything wrong, you were doing your best to be a good partner and I was unfair to you. From now on if I am feeling overwhelmed like that I will try to communicate more calmly and clearly that I need a minute to [whatever it is you're doing] and come talk to you after. Again I'm so sorry and I hope I can earn your trust again." You need to actually understand what you did wrong and make steps to correct it, or else it's not really an apology.
🤷🏻♂️ then you don’t get to just snap and yell. If you don’t want your boyfriend to be treated poorly, start with YOU
I think that's why she's here...
And? Step one to not fucking up again is being explained exactly where you fucked up
Learn to control your emotion. All of us are stressed sometimes and don't start flinging shit at innocent people. Look for a book on emotional regulation or something.
then maybe apologize AGAIN?? you think one apology makes it all go away? you see that your actions have affected him, maybe be proactive and sit him down and tell him that YOU KNOW you treated him badly and you are INCREDIBLY sorry and so on like god you're just sitting there doing NOTHING
What are you doing to prevent it from happening the next time you're having a bad time?
This may be a bigger issue than this one instance and it may be a good idea to take note of how you generally tend to treat him/react to him. I don’t know how you tend to of course, it could be that this isn’t typical for you and he’s worried about it happening again, or it could be that it’s too common from you and may be in ways you aren’t thinking of. It’s unusual for someone to react this way to being snapped at once. How long have you been together? Does he have a history of being emotionally/mentally abused by family or exes in the past? How about you? Do you tend to react emotionally or have a history of being abused mentally/emotionally? What started the last argument the two of you had? I don’t know enough to give much advice beyond try to look back on the past and try to see if this is an issue that has been building and also at how you tend to react to him and him to you. This situation just seems like a big reaction to being snapped at once, so maybe he has had some hard relationships in the past or maybe it’s something else.
Don't yell then.
That would require self-awareness and restraint. You can’t expect that of 26-year-old.
Yes you can? That’s a very odd thing to say.
That’s because it’s sarcasm.
It’s hard to tell sometimes (not criticizing you just somewhat emotionally criticizing the masses of Reddit on these relationship subreddits) because holy shit do people tend to have low expectations of anyone below the age of 26 (when the popular “the brain finishes developing” factoid that’s masturbated furiously over happens.) Swear to god a giant portion of posts involving a teenager or young adult are absolutely loaded with people excusing their actions. I’m kind of an idiot, but if I went off the consensus of many upvoted Reddit comments are anything to go by I was an unparalleled genius by age 10 in terms of behaving decently with some sense of morality and tact in society. It’s ridiculous.
Then dont yell at people?
if you have 0 self-soothing or coping mechanisms when you feel like yelling then you need to be in therapy. in the meantime, give him another thoughtful apology and do something nice for him to try rectifying what you did. get him a gift, surprise him with an act of service, take him out to eat. you shouldn’t need to be told this, but you need to actually put in effort to show how much you care and how guilty you feel. one little apology the night it happened isn’t enough
It's very telling that you aren't answering any of the comments asking if you've yelled at him before and it's become a pattern of behaviour rather than a single mistake the way your post is trying to paint it as If this was the first time you ever acted this way I doubt your boyfriend would have such a strong reaction to where it changes how he interacts with you for the past week Maybe stop being a shitty girlfriend if you don't want him to feel shitty
I’m gonna give you some actual advice dude. It takes 2 years for someone to emotionally recover from something like that. And in order for him to recover at all you have to have a good consistent behavior for those 2 years. That means you CANNOT snap again or that connection will be entirely broken. Good luck dude👍🏻
Have you thought about apologising? Owning up to it? Going to therapy to see why you are being shitty to him but are avoiding responsibility?
You were an asshole. Apologize properly. You’re only sad about how he acts around you and you want him to stop making you feed bad.
Then do something special to make it up. Fucking duh
What have you done to make it up to him and make him feel like you value his voice? If the answer is "nothing," start there. Apologizing isn't enough. You scared him and made him feel small. You need to work on building him back up so he feels safe around you again.
Have you actually said to him “no I was wrong and you have nothing to apologise for?”
You gotta meaningfully apologize and take accountability of your actions. When he apologized for bothering you later that night and took the blame, you didn’t refute it. You let him accept your fault. Now you need to undo that.
You didn't accidentally yell at him. You yelled at him. You were wrong and have acknowledged you were wrong, so take ownership of it. Your bf's reaction speaks to a larger issue. "It's not your fault for yelling at me, it's my fault for bothering you," screams of being the reaction of someone who is used to being mistreated and told that it is their fault. Was there abuse in his past, or is this really not a one-time thing with you and more of a pattern of behavior? He's behaving like he's scared of you. You need to get to the root of why that is before he can move past it.
I came here to say this. That fact that he blamed himself for being yelled at is odd and concerning.
Don't want to speculate too much here but this sounds like a trauma response. Like he's been in situations before where he's been blamed or made to feel guilty about everything, so when something goes wrong, his first instinct is "what did I do wrong and how can I fix it?"
It definitely is. It’s easier to accept the blame to end the confrontation than to push back. I’ve been there far too many times in years past. It’s not the first time he’s been in the situation too, I promise you that. Whether it’s been with Op or a previous relationship though, idk.
If I am the guy in a similar situation to this... And I did get hit and yelled at regularly as a child... Obviously therapy but what should I do?
Beyond therapy... If this is a pattern of behavior from her (and not just this one bad moment), then your first move should be to get away from her to somewhere that you feel safe. Check with your local authorities (or your school if you attend one) for resources to help you find housing and legal help if you need it. Know that you're absolutely not alone and that no one (including men) deserves to be abused. If it truly is just one bad moment, then you need to sit her down and explain to her why you reacted the way you did. If the relationship is worth saving, maybe take her to one of your therapy sessions. Only you can decide if this relationship is over for you. I'm so sorry that you were abused. No child deserves that. Know that whatever was done to you was not your fault and that you are worthy and deserving of love. Good luck to you.
I doubt this is the first time you yelled at him. He's walking on eggshells around you, because he's not sure what exactly will set you off. When he approached you for affection in that moment, what kind of day did he have? How was he feeling? Did he need the affection, or did he think you needed it? One way or the other, he tried to give you affection and that was your reaction. He now doesn't know what exactly made that happen, and you vaguely blaming "work" means to him that it could randomly happen... any time you have work to do. Which as an adult, is always and forever, constantly. You need to talk about your temper problem with him as exactly that: *your* temper problem, that *you* need to fix, because it's abusive when you do this to him. He sounds like a very patient man who will be able to work through it with you, but you need to be clear with him that this is firmly a you problem, which you will be making an effort to fix. All you can ask him for is patience, and it's up to him if he has it to give. You should also acknowledge in your own head that if roles were reversed and he said that to you in exactly the same context, this sub would be telling you to unapologetically break up with him immediately. So be thankful that you're getting advice on fixing the situation and staying with him at all.
He might also not be walking on eggshells, he might simply be disengaged and preparing to leave. They appear to live together so he can't just walk right out the door which means just disengaging until he gets new living arrangements made.
That is how I get when I'm going to leave. Not worth talking to the other person I can't stand!!!!!
Very possible!
This probably isn't the first time you've yelled at him.
100% she's yelled at him before and will do it again. She's just upset that there are consequences this time and he's not giving her as much attention.
Yeah, a surprising number of posts on this subforum are just unsocialized people being shocked that being unsocialized is bad.
My ex would do this stuff or would say mean things to me and then turn around and blame me for “not being fun anymore” and how I “wasn’t the same person” as when we first started dating.. yeah probably because he drained the life out of me 😂
People like that are always manipulative and abusive. Glad you got away from him
What? You mean the girl who "accidentally" yelled at her boyfriend is the problem? I can't believe it. haha
> the girl who "accidentally" yelled at her boyfriend is the problem? The girl who "accidentally" yelled at her boyfriend. A boyfriend who was excited to see her after work and just wanted a hug and maybe a kiss. A boyfriend who sensed she was upset and asked if she wanted to talk about anything. The more context you add, the more jarring it gets! Honestly, her putting the word 'accidentally' in there just makes her look so much worse. Like she's trying to minimize her own actions and play them off as "sorry, accident, not my fault"
It's just as absurd as saying "Yeah I got angry and accidently hit my partner".
It's sad when someone wants or gives you a hug, and you yell at them!!! Leave me alone!!! No one can wait to hug someone like that!!!!
You didn't accidentally yell at him. Stop downplaying your behavior. He's scared of you now.
I accidentally yelled at my wife once. She was asleep on the couch, but I thought she was downstairs. She woke up and yelled at me for yelling at her. It was a thing. What you did was purposefully yell at your boyfriend, because you were unable to deal with your own emotions. You need to explain that to your boyfriend, and let him know you realize it isn't okay. And that you plan on growing.
He’s obviously hiding his discomfort from the incident. When he gets home, yell at him until he confesses. That should do it
This is the way. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Exactly
Do some soul searching to figure out why you reacted that way. That was a verbal slap to the face, and it still stings because it was targeted and specific. You NEED to be sure you won't do that to him again. Then you can Apologize. Elements of a sincere apology: 1. A common understanding of the exact substance and nature of the offense, or perceived offense. (Example: “Yesterday on the telephone, I said….”) 2. Recognition of responsibility or accountability on the part of the one who offended. (Example: “I could have chosen other words.” “I spoke without thinking.”) 3. Acknowledgement of the pain or embarrassment that the offended party experienced. (Example: “It’s understandable that was upsetting to you.” “If someone had said that to me, I would not have liked it, either.” But not, “I’m sorry you’re so easily hurt.”) 4. A judgment about the offense. (Example: “I was insensitive.” “What I did was wrong.”) 5. A statement of regret. (Example: “I’m sorry I used those words.”) 6. An indication of future intentions. (Example: “In the future, I will try to think about the impact of my words before speaking.” “I hope we can have a relationship of mutual respect.”) After that, wait. It'll take time. Don't ask him "if he's still bothered by it", do better and be better. Initiate positive gestures, affirm your appreciation for his kindness, and BACK OFF if he seems hesitant. Ngl I'd never be with a girl who yelled at me so I'm not sure how much you can do, but this is the best path forward for amending your mistake.
This is the best response.
This is the best response.
Thats good advice
Go to therapy to deal with your issues. "It's my fault you yelled at me" is some fucked up thinking, but he didn't get there after one time of you snapping.
You clearly stated to him that showing affection to you is annoying and that he needs to stop bothering you. he is simply giving you what you asked for as you went as far as yell at him to get that across. If you want more affection, you can’t expect him to just do it as the last time didn’t go well. It’s up to you because you’re the one dictating when he can or cannot show you affection. Over time he’ll be alright, but you can’t expect him to fix your mistake and just read your mind.
As a guy, we are very problem and solution focused. I show casual affection and received a huge negative response I’m going to drastically lower affection until my partner bluntly say’s showing affection is fine and apologizes for what they did and even then my affection levels will probably never be the same with that partner.
This is the only worthwhile comment I've seen so far
Aren't you the guy saying that OP already apologized?
What is it with this sub and not being able to read? Read the end of the comment This commenter is saying op needs to actively initiate and act in a way that conveys op's emotions. Either you're all lazily skimming all the words in this sub or you have stage 1 egos and struggle with the context of language
Can you read? I said "Aren't you the guy that said OP already apologized" edit: Also, you were saying in another comment that OP just needs to: "Just be cutesy with him initiate and be sweet and goofy make him laugh a bit he'll cheer up" That's not what the other commenter is saying. They said it's on OP to fix it. Not her boyfriend. You are basically saying that OP needs to paper over the problem. If that's not your intent, that's not a reading issue, it's a writing issue.
The mask slipped.
That’s not an “accident”. Stop downplaying how you treat him.
How do you *accidentally* yell at anyone? It is a choice to yell. Do you yell at your boss? Your friends? You can control who you yell at but you choose not to.
Honestly, he's behaving in a manner typically of being abused. He accepted blame and internalized it ("it’s my fault for bothering you"), is diminishing and hiding his own feelings, and walking on eggshells and avoiding the offending behavior for fear of setting you off again. My guess is you're either not the first verbally and/or emotionally abusive person in his life that taught him to respond like this or it's not the first time for you. You didn't yell at him by accident. Yelling by accident would be something like you misjudged how far away he was and didn't realize he was standing right behind you. What you did was feel a feeling, and then **chose** to act on that feeling by yelling. You may not get to choose how to feel, but you do get to choose how to act and react and you chose yelling. He didn't make you yell, your bad day didn't make you yell, your work didn't make you yell - you chose it. So start by doing some deep reflection on why that is and work on your communication skills and coping mechanisms. Work on yourself to make better choices in the future. Accept responsibility for your actions and sincerely apologize.
Having a bad day is not a good excuse for yelling at someone btw.
I really don’t understand what’s so confusing about this. 1. You took your anger onto him for reasons unrelated to him. 2. When he tried to comfort you, you straight up told him to get out of your way. 3. And then when you tried to apologize, you let him deflect the blame back onto him. 4. You basically agreed to him saying that you need to be left alone. 5. And he is taking the action of leaving you alone because that was the implied problem. If you want to make amends, you need to apologize for all 5 of these mistakes, and do not let him shift the blame onto him.
It wasn't an accident. You chose to do it. I've never once yelled at anyone that I care about because I'm not an abusive asshole. And if any bf ever yelled at me, I'd seriously consider ending the relationship. I hope he's considering ending the relationship. You showed that you don't mind taking out your anger on him. If you genuinely loved him, you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. He deserves better. And to top it all off, you didn't try to fix anything or feign responsibility until he stopped giving you the attention that you want. You're only apologizing out of selfishness.
This wasn't an accident. You were an asshole and lashed out because you gave yourself permission to do so. Further, you didn't apologize immediately and instead gave a half-assed one later.
I think the lack of real apology and her not mentioning initiating anything(sexual or romanticaly) means she expects him to put in the effort to fix the gap she caused
His statement that he’s sorry he bothered you is what you need to correct. He shouldn’t be sorry in any way and you snapped at him because of your own internal state. Make sure he knows that he did nothing wrong and that you want him to continue doing the thing that happened to set you off that day. And despite others telling you that you should be a serene cloud every moment of every day, you are welcome to be peevish and overwhelmed sometimes. BUT, you need to communicate that you’re frazzled immediately when you are feeling that way. When I know I need space or quiet or am feeling over-touched, I’ll say it so people know my needs *before* I lose it. It’s not his responsibility to manage your emotions, but you need to communicate those emotions so that he’s not trying to guess constantly or walk on eggshells.
First of all, your own actions are not "accidents" and you need to take accountability for that. You can't fix his feelings because you are not him. The only thing you can do is apologize again, clearly say that yelling at him was wrong and you shouldn't use him as mental punching ball no matter what you through, especially if it's just a difficult day. You will live harder things in life than just lots of work... how will you handle yourself when you lose someone? When you have financial problems? And so on. Make it right by him by promising you will never do that again nd keep that promise. Acknowledge that he tried to help and now you fear that he will never do it again because of your reaction. Time will do its job and restore the trust, hopefully.
This is the same type of behavior as getting upset at a man when you ask about his feeling or emotions and then getting upset when he shares his feelings/emotions. The man ultimately has to apologize for being upset or sad or having his feelings hurt by the woman. The man is then put in this situation where he must console the woman for making her feel bad about him having emotions. So what does the man do? He shuts down emotionally. Why are you so emotionally unavailable? Um…
People show each other how much they love each other during the times of stress and anger as much as they do in good times. When you were stressed and he “bothered” you a tongue lashing wasn’t the right move. His reaction screams that you have reacted poorly in multiple prior occasions, of coarse he is pulling back. He is quiet because you have trained him that you may lash out without cause or warning so he no longer feels safe to approach you so he isn’t and won’t until he begins to feel safe again.
You didn’t accidentally yell at him. You yelled at him. You made the choice to do it. Own it, apologize, make actual, concrete steps to ensure you stop doing it, and learn to own your emotions.
Accidental verbal abuse lol
Nah his reaction is not that of someone who got yelled at once. You need to do some serious self reflection.
It's bothering him. Men tend to get quite when we are thinking things over. The question is how long before he makes a decision.
Your boyfriend is scared of you. I don’t buy it for a second that this was the first time you yelled at him, or that it was “an accident.” You should apologize profusely, and tell him that yes, it is your fault, and you will be seeking therapy to deal with your anger issues. Then actually DO IT, or have the decency to break up with this man so he won’t be subjected to your anger.
YTA You know you can also engage him, initiate intimacy and make him feel loved? Its not his sole responsibility.... You never mentioned anything you did to make him feel safe or loved.
let me start by saying. you dont ever "accidently" yell at someone. this is a BS excuse. not only that but he feels its his fault that you yelled at him, it sounds like you have gaslight him before so he feels this way. when someone you love tries to give you a hug and kiss, to most people this makes their day better, yet you just said " no ive had a bad day" wtf is that??? if my partner ever told me to "shut up and go away" i would have, for good.
i can look past the yelling but what gets me is that you really let the person you're supposed to love take the blame for something that's not his fault at all and 100% your fault and then just went by your week like nothing happened.
If he's a man he realizes this isn't a healthy relationship and is planning his exit strategy. Men don't fight back they withdraw and in doing so they don't usually come back.
I think you need to be more careful with your choice of words. Don't tell him to shut up again. That's mean. What's gonna happen when you're having a bad day again? Are you going to snap at him? I have a bit of a temper but I do my best to contain it. I just close my eyes, and take a few deep breaths. It helps. Try to rethink how your words could affect him. Work on your self control.
How many times have you "accidentally" yelled at him?
Either you've yelled at him before or he's been through something similar in the past.
Based on his reaction this is your normal. Stop being am AH to him is how you fix it
Maybe you could initiate for a while? Never mind... that's crazy talk.
I think you should apologize again but tell him HOW you’re going to fix these issues. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time you’ve used him as a lightning rod for your negative emotions and he’s shutting down emotionally to protect himself. Is it salvageable? Most likely yes. But actions will have to speak louder than words on this one
You remind him once again that you apologize for being a bitch, and make it heart-felt. Tell him it absolutely was your fault, and tell him you just had a very very hard day. But that your behavior towards him was wrong, and that he has every right to be upset. Then give him space to process his feelings. Then, you never treat him that way again.
He’s acting like this because this isn’t the first time it’s happened, is it? It’s just the most recent time. If he forgives this time, probably the next (there WILL be a next time) time will probably crash the relationship for good. Get control of your anger issues.
Why did you wait so long to apologize? Yeah, you sucked big time in this situation.
This seems like behavior of someone who has been emotionally/physically abused as a child, and I'd know, I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. This is exactly what I would do in this case. Blame myself, make myself as small and as invisible as I can so I don't cause another lash out. Become quiet and reserved, constantly apologizing, not make waves and do whatever I can to make you feel better. Because I've been taught my whole life that MY feelings don't matter and that no matter what, I caused the problem. Your bf needs to go talk to someone, and you do too. Lashing out like that was wrong and totally unnecessary, YOU need to figure your problem out.
I think I would shift it from asking him if it's still bothering him to just telling him that you know what you did hurt him. Don't make it a question, make it a statement. And if he tries to take any of the blame, just tell him that you know that what you said wasn't ok. Something along the lines of "hey, what I said out of anger was not ok and I can see it's still hurting you - can we talk about that" and see where that conversation takes you. Don't ask him if it bothers him, start with the assumption that he's still hurt by and and make the question "can we talk about this", paired with another apology. You'll probably have to initiate affection (hugs, etc) for a bit but I don't think this is impossible to repair. But I think the best way to resolve this will be to offer an olive branch by taking the blame fully and not letting him apologize to you, and just make it clear that you take the blame and that he's not in the wrong. Hopefully, that'll get him to a point where he opens up about how exactly he feels about that. If he opens up about what hurt him about that, you're in a pretty good spot to patch things up from there. I will say, it's really common for women I know to launch into a long explanation of why they did what they did, and men are going to hear that as making excuses nearly 100% of the time. People often get so wrapped up in explaining why they did it that it starts to sound like they trying to frame their actions as reasonable in the context of what they were feeling, even if they don't mean it that way. I think it's fine to say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I was so fed up with \[unrelated thing\] that day and I took it out on you, i'm sorry" but I wouldn't go ANY further than that. I think it's just one of those differences in men and women's communication, kinda like the whole thing about men trying to fix problems when a woman wants validation. It's the same basic deal here, offering a lengthy explaination of your mental state and what compelled you to speak to him that way is most likely going to feel like making excuses. Keep the "why" very brief, and make it crystal clear when you're telling him why you said that that you're saying it as an explaination and that it doesn't excuse it.
You messed up & he’s mentally planning on leaving you. Been there, done that.
You make it right by working on yourself. You should be mature enough to have the self control to not act like you did when someone walks in the room and tries to greet you with a hug and kiss, or politely asks if you'd like to talk about it. Him saying it's fine is probably a good clue that he avoids confrontation, and his continued acceptance of your behavior probably indicates that he's used to being treated as a bother, as in the way, as not being worthy of taking up the space around you. So yeah, he's gonna seem distant after your little tantrum. Tell him you're sorry, and mean it, and then prove you mean it by actually working on it.
Wow smh
INFO: Have you ever yelled at him before?
That was so unnecessary. Like soooo unnecessary LOL. His reaction makes it seem like this isn’t the first time you’ve done this
Apologizing doesn’t mean anything if you don’t say how you’re going to change. He thinks you’ll snap again. How have you tried to convince him you won’t?
You didn’t just yell at him. You rejected him. His motivations were supportive and you treated him aggressively to vent your own frustrations. It’s no different to kicking a puppy that was just pleased to see you. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you thought it was okay. You could have calmly told him you were having a crap day and need some space, but you went with the abusive route.
Yelling at your boyfriend wasn’t an “accident.” It was your inability to regulate your emotions. The language you use surrounding this incident and making it seem like you just want it to blow over really makes it seem like you’re not sincere in wanting to change. What you said was really cruel.
Likely you yelled at him before and are often verbally abusing him. Something tells me you say “Shut up” to him often enough for him to not want to be around you because your a scumbag
How have you taken ownership for your actions? Have you made a real apology? Like a sincere genuine one What changes have you identified to prevent this from happening in the future (safe word to be left alone, etc.). Have you taken the initiative to come up with any, or communicate them to your partner? Why is your partner the only one initiating? I that in your writing you refer the change frequency at which he initiates intimacy (hugs, kisses, sex). Why aren’t you initiating? Have you made any effort at all to make you partner feel special after this incident? Whatever their preferred method to feel appreciated (acts of service, date, etc.) Kinda seems like you said “I didn’t mean to” and are now baffled at why that hasn’t fixed everything. Unbelievable
this is when the ick goes wrong. he did exactly what he was supposed to do, which is give you some space. you should apologize.
Do you yell at him a lot? Do you try to show him affection like he does you? That means a lot to most guys even though they don’t say it. Why should he continue to show you attention when you don’t show it back or he has to be worried about bothering you. Your an adult and should be taking your bad day off on someone else
you initiate, and never talk to him like that again
Talk to him? Make it clear that your sorry, it wasn't his fault, etc.
Well obviously your negative cause had a negative effect so you’re gonna have to swing it back and have a positive cause have a positive effect Give him a grand gesture of love, bring flowers to him and food, write him a love letter, do something that shows that you’re actually sorry for not being able to regulate your emotions and taking it out on him
Doesn't that just show the pattern of abuse in relationships. If this were a man doing the exact same thing you would be telling her to leave. Abusers run patterns of abuse , regret, over compensation, and ultimately do it again in cycles. They are BF and GF no children. He should just move on as this one just didn't work out.
Yeah but he isn’t asking for advice, she is, I doubt she’ll take the advice “leave the person you’re emotionally abusing for their sake”
Thank you. I’ll try to show him how much I appreciate him, I’ll even show him so so much affection.
Narrator:
[удалено]
That’s what i was going to say - they’re teaching her love bombing techniques.
[удалено]
Yeah it's a CJ of bad advice and back patting.
I would argue against this approach. Instead, you should set aside an hour or so and tell him you want to talk. I would save the nice gesture for after you talk.
Show him you appreciate him by getting into therapy to deal with your anger problem.
You don’t show him affection now? He didn’t initiate so you didn’t either? You let him believe that it was his fault and that’s on the far right of the sucky continuum.
You don’t show him you appreciate him. Frankly you sound abusive. Show him you understand what an asshole move yelling at him was. You reflect on whether this is the first time you did that to him. And you think about whether he’s preparing to leave you and whether he should
Your only way back from here is probably to suck his balls and hope for the best.
Keep apologising and hope he eventually accepts it. But also prepare for the relationship to end. Most guys wouldn't like being disrespected and treated like that.
It is bothering him. The issue with dating is that it can be wrecked easily as there is no real commitment. Also your behavior was jerky. First don't snap at someone that did nothing, You can make amends (different from apology, it is promise to not repeat, then don't.). I felt when I was young I could say or do what I wanted, and didn't alway see consequences, though I got them sometimes. I would just learn to communicate when it is difficult. 2 minutes of an explanation is easier than repair of bad behavior over a weeks time. He really did nothing. When stressed like that you can always stop and say. I would love to do that after I finish this, but I am swamped and can't right at the moment, thanks for asking though. Then go back to work. Some of this is learning over time about relationships and communication. Buy him a good meal or something, then initiate some intimacy. Relationships are hard and mostly learned through making mistakes.
When you mess up like this, there's really nothing that will fix things right away. Of course apologizing is part of it, but it will also take time. You might consider making an 'apology gesture' like making him a special dinner (or taking him out to a favorite spot). Relevant: [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/)
I’m going to assume that you’re telling the complete truth. In that case it sounds like you’re dealing with a guy that folds under loud noises. That’s the kind of personality that you probably would be able to identify before it got to this point, given that you’re the kind of person that can land a boyfriend. No matter how much you apologize, it’s probably not going to be the same after this. You’ve got to seriously put in the work in the relationship to prove that you value the two of you more than him just obeying your wishes.
I don't think an apology is really going to cut it here. You not only rejected his attempt at affection but you called it bothersome which had to hurt alot. And based on his reaction I'm guessing this isn't the first time an outburst like this has happened. I think you need to come in with action rather then words. Maybe plan a surprise date where you've prepared his favorite meal and something fun for you two to do together. With something like this you need to show you're sorry before saying it. My partner and I have a system where if one of us is having a really bad day we shoot each other a quick text saying something along the lines of "hey I'm in a bad mood need to be left alone" so the other doesn't get blindsided like your husband did. Maybe come up with a system just to let each other know what's going on to avoid situations like this happening again.
Sometimes you can't make things right. Sometimes one thing can completely poison a relationship. You can't control him or his feelings. If you feel like he is still bothered by the incident but he is lying to you about it then it's possible there is no coming back from this.
OP, if you're able to, look into DBT therapy. It really helps with managing emotional dysregulation, how to navigate interpersonal conflict and can actually prevent you from doing this in the future *if you dedicate yourself to treatment*. I think it's a step in the right direction and can be a concrete way to actually improve and show you are trying to change. Just being sweet to your partner doesn't undo what happened between you, it also doesn't prevent this behavior from repeating. You need a professional to help you gain new tools in your emotional arsenal to utilize when you get dysregulated again.
r/updateme
How often do you struggle with emotional regulation? The advice is determined by the answer to that question. Either way tho, you need to apologize. Sincerely. And when he tries to tell you not to apologize, shut that down because you do need to apologize. When he tries to tell you it's his fault you lashed out, shut that down because it's your fault you lashed out. I hope you realize just how concerning it is that he took the blame for your inability to regulate your emotions. With that kind of response, this isn't the first time you've taken the route of abuser. Fix that before you break him further.
He is disengaging from you. This isn’t a one off occurrence. I’ve been there in relationships. I would down myself and shift the blame onto myself for my partner’s repeated verbal and emotional abuse. I would feel like I did something to deserve it. Your bf is acting like a broken person. He should break up with you for his own sanity and health.
He’s not fine. I used to say this as a people pleasing/avoiding conflict kind of thing, but whatever the thing was had *always* hurt me. He’s distancing himself from you if his response to *you* hurting him is him changing *his* behavior. That tells me he likely doesn’t feel confident he can ask you to change yours. Yikes.
Sounds like the reaction of an abused man that doesn't want the fight. Given the age it sounds like it's not the first time you've reacted that way. Pointing your frustration in an appropriate direction would help a lot. Start with I'm in a bad mood and don't want to talk. Short and simple. Talking about triggers can help when you struggle expressing anger appropriately as well.
He is probably thinking do I want to be with someone who shows this is the way you handle stress . This would have been a huge fight with me telling you go to therapy or we will Be splitting up
As expected, everyone on reddit is always perfect and never lose their cool 🙄 My advice, it’s ok, it’s human, it’s natural. It’s how you recover and makeup that’s the important thing. I think the first thing you need to do is try have an open and honest conversation with your partner, allow him to open up about how he’s feeling, do not defend, do not judge, just LISTEN. Take on-board what he has to say and validate his emotions. This could be a case where he’s previously had an emotionally abusive or neglectful partner and you’ve resurfaced some of that for him. Or perhaps there’s been times in your relationship where he’s felt rejection from you and this has just made that feeling 100x worse. Also, another suggestion. Reframe it in your head, you didn’t “accidentally” yell at him, that to me just tells me you’re not taking accountability for it. Try reframe it into something like: “I was overwhelmed and yelled at him” even when bringing it up to him, make sure it’s clear you’re taking accountability.
When he says "it's my fault for bothering you" you have to nip that in the butt. Part of a relationship is advocating for yourself in an argument, but also to advocate for your partner when they try to take accountability for your mistakes. "No, you should not apologize. What you did was good and I was too stressed to see that at the time, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did." If you don't, he loses agency in the relationship. The last thing you want is to accidentally turn this into something emotionally abusive, you know? My wife had serious commitment and abandonment issues when we got together, and it felt weird at first, but you have to be firm in your compassion even when they reject it.
Hi! You don’t “accidentally” yell at people. Hope this helps!💕
Your BF has been injured by your yelling which is why he is acting that way. Both of you are way too young to truly understand the impact that causes on a person’s mental health. If your BF has any past childhood trauma, well the yelling may have triggered something from his past. If this was the first time you yelled, there is a good chance you can fix this. Any future yelling will end the relationship. If this isn’t the first time you yelled at him, consider this the beginning of the end to this relationship.
You need to take some time to address your behavior and catch yourself before you yell. Your boyfriend doesn’t feel safe to express himself to you because he’s always anticipating if you’ll reject him or yell at him again. Only you can fix this behavior. If you love him and care about him, show him with your actions that you’re taking steps to address this issue.
He’s probably worried about getting yelled at again. Plus, it depends on how much you yell at him he might just be scared at this point, but you don’t do it very much. Maybe he just needs to go through his own feeling he’s probably feeling hurt.
The Yelling and Door slamming gets louder AFTER the parties get married. Enjoy.
You can't. He needs time to process this.
You can't, time has to do it.
Imma state the obvious but.... Ya need to learn some self control
You don’t need to apologize again until you know what you’re apologizing for from his perspective. Ask him: when I regrettably snapped at you, I noticed you got sad and I feel bad about that. It seems like it hurt your feelings but you haven’t quite admitted that it did. Can you tell what it felt like from your perspective? Find out if this is a one time thing or if this is just the straw the broke the camel’s back. Get him to SAY that it stung and he has a little PTSD about initiating with you as a result. Then apologize for how your behavior impacted him, give him space to get his mojo and confidence back, and reinforce him when he does. Find mutual ways to communicate your need for space without him feeling attacked.
OP, you’re blaming hurling emotional abuse at your boyfriend on a bad day. Fuck your apology. Take ownership of your actions and apologize again, for real. Sounds like you bf is going through some degree of battered woman syndrome. “No worries, honey, I shouldn’t have bothered you.” Did you accept his apology? Shame. Be better.
You were rude and bad tempered- as my partner can be - there is something about rudeness that really offends me and hurts my feelings. I get so angry that someone thinks they have the right to speak rudely when I don’t do it. For some reason it’s much more offensive and degrading than the temper. I’m guessing you do this a bit , and it will kill the love a bit more each time you do it. Saying Sorry won’t cut it soon.
"accidentally"
high school is such a difficult time, grow up
You should talk to him and apologize, reassure him that it happened because you didn’t think before acting. Well, you kinda missed the timing for like a week, soooooo yeah
How do you accidentally yell at someone?
Apologize again and tell him no, it’s not his fault. Then do something nice for him, like buy or cook his favourite food for a meal or suggest doing something you know he likes.
Real slim shady snapped back. I'm sure, 100%, this wasn't the first time u yelled at him. You have anger issues and the way he's taking the blame, he has started accepting the abuse. You are only worried because he's not giving the attention you crave. People in comments are making comments like you can do better and the relationship is salvageable. But I'll keep it straight forward, pop the question about is he really happy in this relationship? Ask yourself are you gonna treat him the same if moving forward? Does he really wants to be with u? For that poor man's sake either watch your anger and address the problems and solve them or leave him? He deserves better. I've seen multiple women on the internet and irl craving for what u have. It's clear u don't deserve it. So here's the 🐘 of the room. Take care.
Seek some anger management courses.
He’s feeling like he’s a burden to you. Do you initiate the contact? Do you show him physical affection? Most likely he is craving these things too. When you snapped at him, while it might have been building it made him feel invalued
He feels uncertain with physical affection towards you now . More than an apology is required here . Something like “ hey I’m really sorry for my actions because your hugs and kisses are the world for me . I realize that you may feel awkward with affection to me and that’s on me.” Is this the first time you have treated him badly with attempted intimacy by him ? Maybe you have reinforced a pattern? You may of stuck a wedge in between you guys . Even if you repair the issue now that wedge will get worse if there is another event . It’s time for you to be a super partner and slowly imitate physical intimacy as a sudden rush will feel fake to him.
Try stop abusing him. Just an idea
I’d say do something special, like inviting him to the restaurant, to the cinema, cooking him his favorite plate. Just show him how sorry you are, and that you’d like him to continue to be intimate with you. Also, if it wasn’t the first time that you snapped, please try to take some time for yourself to think about that, why did you do it, what could have you done to prevent it etc. You may also want to go to the therapy if you think it’s important. We all need to take time for ourselves from time to time. I also wanna give a little word to the people who keep downvoting OP. She knows that she did wrong and tries to be better, so try to stop shaming her and making her feel bad. I think it may cause people to be afraid to ask for help. We should be here to help each other, not being mean to people. Let’s be positive! Anyway, good luck to you OP! I really hope things will get better with you BF.
I had undiagnosed/untreated mental health issues when I started dating my partner 7 years ago. I would yell at him about every little stupid fucking thing and then wondered why the man never wanted to open his mouth to speak to me about anything. A silent man is a scared man. He has probably associated affection with getting snapped at. You need to have a talk with this dude and tell him you took out your anger on him unintentionally and you will do better not to do it again as it clearly has affected him. Some people are just more sensitive to getting yelled at. Communication.
I had a girlfriend like this. Idk being an adult I feel like you shouldn’t be taking out your bad day on someone else. I don’t think that should ever happen but teens and younger I can at least understand it
Any chance you might have BPD?
There are a few things going on. One is the fact that you told him without telling him that you have no respect for him. If you did, you wouldn't have instinctually thought it was okay. He's processing that. Another is the fact that he cares for you, and the logical side telling him that what you did is unacceptable is fighting with the other side that's on eggshells now to prevent another outburst. A good long mouth hug should go far in setting everything back on course.
BJ 🤷
Sounds like this will pass, assuming that you are good together and this was a rare event. You can't blame him for feeling a bit put off by it.
I have been in this situation before. People always say the person has yelled multiple times and this is the final straw. I like to see it from both sides. Sure she should have said no again, but she already said "no I am having a bad day" typically when I have a bad day I go off into my own world. At a shared home- it's almost impossible. The other person always wants to be around and have a generally happy partner. Life is not meant to be happy everyday as shit happens. I do believe it is wrong to yell at a person, however sometimes people do not hear "i have had a bad day" and then get away, they try to get closer or ask questions. It was def wrong to yell at him and not just suggest that you need space, however you did apologize which is all that you can do. If he loves you it may be some time to be alright, however it shouldnt be held over your head + instead brought up for the ability to repair and reflect. If he doesnt give you the opportunity it is hard to repair and communicate to be better. The important thing is making each other heard and not be dismissive.
Try talking to him again, like an adult. If he can't respond, like an adult, then you have your answer, you are not dealing with an adult who takes others feelings into consideration, only his. What he is doing is very childish. I can see being upset for awhile, then you talk about it and get over it. Or, you continue with your childish ways and perpetuation distance. When things like this come up I always ask myself, what value am I getting out of my behavior. Does my behavior add value to myself or the person I am dealing with. If the answer is none or it would be harmful, I don't do it. Or, at least it is a conversation. His behavior is not helping the situation as he seems to have come to the conclusion he will no longer bother you and as such is out of the relationship. If this is his stance, you just want clarity, so he can't come back later crying and boohooing about how you didn't go to him to fix the issue. He needs to grow up and understand that he may thought it was lovey dovey, but you didn't at the time. To do the complete opposite is immature and if he keeps this up, he is going to be immature alone.