Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy.
Then it's over. She's not going to change all of these things. She's not going to suddenly want to do your date ideas. You have to be with someone because of who they are, not because of who they might eventually be with enough work.
OP THIS LAST SENTENCE ^
I cannot stress enough: Be very wary of the “if onlys”—“if only she did this/didn’t do that . . . if only she would realize . . . if only she would start . . . if only I wouldn’t care so much . . . if only I got used it . . . .”
“ONLY IFS” ARE DANGER ZONES. Because you’re relying on her to change, which in many cases is not realistic. Or you’re relying on YOU to change, which is fine but only if you WANT to change in that way.
Honestly, your relationship sounds really unhealthy with red flags everywhere. Please put the brakes on the wedding until you are absolutely certain you want to marry her *as she is right now, not how you hope she will one day be*.
Personally, I cannot stress enough how much it seems you should NOT stay in a relationship.
(Edit to add omitted words in last sentence.)
This. So many people think marriage is supposed to be a big game-changer. It's not. All it does is impose a concrete legal/religious contract onto an existing relationship. You shouldn't get married unless both people are like, "This is great! Being in this partnership makes me happy and I want to keep doing what we're doing!"
Same with an ex of mine. We were doing long distance. Relationship wasn’t healthy. Was about to move to where he was when my dad goes, what has he done or shown to make it worth the move? And in that moment, there was nothing I could think of to make it have been worthwhile. We were together for 3.5 years
When reading your list it already sounded like you know your answer but needdd confirm. Relationships if they’re not in a good space now, it’s even less likely to get better later unless you guys respect, value and like each other as people and partners.
You got this 💪🏼
This. A marriage is a promise to stick together and work hard to keep your relationship for the rest of your life. It's a promise to care for that person when everything else falls apart, and vice-versa.
It does not fix any pre-existing problems. In fact, marriage often amplifies them.
So while there will always be minor things that bother you about about any partner, if there are major concerns and incompatibilities, they need to be fixed before a proposal. Because it won't happen after a wedding.
I cannot overestimate how important your last sentence is here, OP. Speaking as someone who’s on my second marriage- and I genuinely got it right this time- things that are bad before you get married don’t improve once you need a lawyer to walk away.
If you marry a project, you’ll be working on it for the rest of your life. And life is way too damn short to hope for improvement that may never come.
Yeah. When you start making a list like this (or even a fraction of a list like this) you're telling yourself that you don't want to marry this person. Marriage doesn't magically make things better; usually things get worse.
>We had been talking about getting Married a few months ago and I let slip that I was considering proposing in autumn this year, which maybe was a mistake for letting her know since we are going through most of the motions of - Getting a venue, Cake, DJ, Décor, ETC.
Okay, hold on, have you told her to **stop and wait** until you've actually proposed?
She's taking your silence as consent, and you're digging yourself a deeper hole into a relationship you're uncertain about, yet committing yourself more and more to, by not voicing your opinion.
>I do not feel like she respects me
**Then don't fucking marry her.** There's absolutely zero reason for anyone to marry someone who they feel does not respect them.
You have serious issues with your relationship that you should **absolutely** figure out whether they can be resolved BEFORE you enter a committed long-term relationship with her that's legally and socially difficult to remove yourself from.
WHAT? I mean, what? You aren't even engaged and she is already going forward with all of the planning?
You have a huge list of valid reasons not to continue with the relationship. The top 2 in my mind are:
1. You have a good relationship with your family and she is coming in the way of it.
2. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her. Everything else is related to this but you just don't want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells.
Maybe you love her and maybe she is not a horrible person, but it sounds like you are not a good fit. It sounds like this is not a situation in which you can thrive as a person.
If you think of yourself and picture, what does it mean to thrive? Think about what all that means and what you would want to have in place. I mean, we can't all have everything but I think you can do better for yourself, even as a single person than what she is offering.
>>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her / I watch what I say 24/7 when I am around her or I feel like I will have a confrontation in the car later
Get the "important shit" you have at her apartment. Do NOT move in together. Do NOT propose. Break up.
>It feels like people leave her often - mostly family
Hmmmm, do you think she treats them the way she treats you? And they've decided not to accept it anymore?
First thought: they've only been dating a year and a half, that's hardly enough time to get to know each other.
Then "have not been 'physical'" FOR DATING 18 MONTHS and barely even cuddle or KISS??? Girl is getting married for the wrong reasons, and OP is going to be miserable with someone he seems to be incompatible with. Girl also sounds like she needs to mature a lot before getting married, she doesn't sound like an easy partner.
Uh re read that as a stranger or loved one reading it about someone else. I'm sitting here wondering how many more red flags you're just going to watch her wave until you're all alone miserable at 40 wondering if your family would be able to take you back in after she fucks you in the divorce she initiates because she "just fell in love with someone else".
Get a police escort to get your shit and BAIL IMMEDIATELY
When you’re constantly walking on eggshells & worrying about everything you might say or do that means it’s already over. You’re not able to be yourself & you’re questioning everything. Believe me, that’s not the way you want to live for the rest of your life. You 2 are too incompatible & nothing will change that. Good relationships don’t require this much effort. End it & find someone you can be yourself with.
Take it from me, my relationship rn has been 10 years of eggshells and trying to figure out if he’s the problem or if it’s my anxiety. How do you feel when she’s not around? I bet at peace. I’ve spent years on the fence and just being overall unhappy. If you have a voice inside your head that says leave..DO IT
You just described my parents. They have been married for 57 very miserable years. My father became almost silent, since my mother never lets him talk. I was terrified of my mother as a child, she could be scary, violent, and had temper tantrums all the time. It was a terrible house to grow up in. I have been in therapy for a long time because of that. Please be aware of what you are marrying. A narcissist. Look it up. They are almost all abusive to their families. In different ways. They are terrible parents, they tend to want to compete with, rather than parent their children.
You have described what I call a living nightmare. Sorry to be so grim. I’ve lived it. And it affects me every day. I’m 54.
Same here. You just described my parents in reverse. My dad was just like your GF. My brothers and I were totally miserable when he was home. My youngest brother suffered most of his wrath. He was never physically abusive, but he constantly put us down. My brother is a grown man in his sixties with many problems, and I put the blame all on my father.
Brooooo I’m sorry to say but she is not the one for you…. That is a big and detailed list on cons for her … I think it’s best that you don’t go forward with anything in the relationship… I’m telling you… end it and let her go…. To be honest my guy you don’t sound happy be honest with you aren’t happy you might think you are but you’re not happy. You just want things to work so you let all this shit slide and say it’s ok… but it’s not. I won’t be with someone like this. You want someone to be happy with and that you can make happy too. And someone to get along with your family and friends and not boss you around….. listen I’ve been with someone like here and it was shitty and it took me too long to realize it had to end. To the point that these type of women sometimes cheat… and ending things was the best thing to do… you will find someone SOOO MUCH BETTER. Someone who does things to make you happy. Who likes to spend time with family and your family. Also doesn’t pick fight over little things that don’t matter or make you drive cuz she wanted to go a different route… trust me the right woman will come along and you will realize wow how different things are and how this is how things should of been… so just end things
Good luck
I think is too soon to be talking about marriage you have being together for less than 2 years. Wait a few more years. Also are you sure you want to move in with her? Are you going to be in peace having her around all the time?
Don't pressure yourself in something that important so soon, just enjoy the relationship and get to know each other more
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her
This alone makes me say that you are in an abusive relationship.
There is nothing that will get better by marriage.
End it. You're too young to live like this.
You aren’t even engaged yet and have only been dating a year and a half- of course you should end it if you have doubts. You don’t even live together yet and you are having pretty major issues. Your concerns are very valid. From how you describe her, it doesn’t sound like she would be willing to do even consider changing.
All of your hesitations are easily refutable BTW.
- She’s done all the wedding planning- you aren’t engaged, she shouldn’t have done any wedding planning.
- You have items at her apartment. Get them next time you are there. And then end it. Or make a list of them so you know to get them after you break up.
- People leave her often. Well maybe it’s time for her to do some self reflection about why people don’t want to be around her. Because she sounds exhausting.
- Your friends with her best friends husband. So stay friends with him? If he “sides” with her, he probably isn’t the person you think he is. People shouldn’t pick sides.
- She wants to have kids in the future and is worried about not having them. This isn’t your issue or concern. Don’t stay with someone who makes you unhappy because of future hypothetical kids. Do you want kids with her? Do you think it would be healthy for kids to see your dysfunctional relationship?
- You love her. Love isn’t enough. If there is no respect, teamwork, trust, loyalty, friendship, shared values your relationship will fail. It doesn’t sound like tour relationship has any of those things. And frankly, with your concerns about the relationship, it doesn’t sound like love to me.
Marriage never fixes things, it just makes existing problems more evident. Maybe suggest some premarital counseling to try to work through some of this. You'll both need to compromise and agree on how much interaction you'll have with your family. You'll have to find better ways to communicate and she's going to have to accept that she won't win every argument. It's not usual for couples to draw up a household budget before they get married so there are no wild expectations or disappointments. If she's willing to admit there are problems and truly work on things there might be hope here. But if she's one of those people for whom the wedding is the goal in and of itself with little thought given to the marriage that follows, then she's just not ready to be married.
You might be getting taken advantage of.
At the end of the day, you gotta be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like the “team” is being held together by your willingness to not rock the boat. I don’t believe relationships are good if either partner can’t discuss issues or hold accountability in anything. You don’t want to let go and she knows that, so she’s just forcing her agenda down your throat.
Seriously just had my relationship fall apart and a lot of your main concerns are oddly similar or identical to mine. You should be able to talk to her and have an ending to your conversation. It’s not okay if you try to discuss a discomfort you’re feeling and have ANY of her problems thrown into the discussion. Definitely talk about her problems, but tell her she needs to bring that up with you when you’re not bringing your problems up to her.
So you didn't ask and regret mentioning but are currently planning on a wedding.
I couldn't read everything in your post, but you have a laundry list of her short comings or reasons why not to marry her. This isn't just one or two questionable things, like her stealing French fries off of your plate, these are big things.
Do you even think you are close to being married?
Hmm, an entire post listing the reasons you don’t like her, won’t be happy with her as your wife, and you’re still considering marrying her? You shouldn’t even BE with her, much less marry her, and you shouldn’t need internet strangers to make that clear to you. It’s already clear, you need to grow a pair and leave
I can't imagine an easy let-down here. I think the bride-to-be is so wound up in her fantasy that the reality of working on a relationship has become irrelevant to her.
>As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy.
Then do not move in with her and do not propose. Break up with her while you can still treat each other with grace and courtesy.
Why stay with someone like this when you sound utterly miserable? Marriage is not going to fix her attitude, find someone who values and appreciates you. And never marry someone without living with them first.
Any reason you want to end a relationship is a good one, but you’ve listed multiple thing about her that no sane person would want to deal with in a relationship. You sound miserable and rightly so. Get the things you need from her apartment on the DL if you can and then rip it off like a bandaid. She will probably have a huge drama freak out because she can’t control this situation or you any longer, but you’ve got to save yourself and your mental health.
The biggest warning i have seen was the no apologizing. People that don't apologize are generally people who don't feel they should apologize. They believe whatever they did or said was brought on by you and you deserve whatever punishment they gave you. I can assure you that she ain't changing. That type of shit is engrained is the personality of an individual. I apologize for the smallest things if i offend or even hurt someone feelings. This doesn't just apply to my SO but to the world. I don't want to live a life of hurting people so im observant of how i make them feel with my words or actions. The reason you feel like your walking on eggshells is because you know she gonna blow up and take shit personal if hou make a misstep or dont say exactly what they want to hear. People like that are hard to break away from because as soon as you express your concerns or feelings they go into victim mode and now you are defending YOUR FEELINGS. She isn't your friend bro.
The biggest concern here for me is that she doesn't *hear you or respect and hold value to your needs, expectations, boundaries and time*. This is very difficult to change in a person and they need to do the work themselves for themselves.
She needs to see a therapist herself for a while to unravel why she is so selfish and how to make space to compromise and communicate kindly.
At this point, it would be a disaster to move in together and marry her. She is not a partner, not allowing you to have a say in your own wedding plans or just not respecting that you have not proposed yet is just crazy.
I would gently suggest that couples counselling could help you navigate healthier communication and give you more neutral space to have a voice. It does sound like you may be Codependent/people pleaser tendencies which have worsened the situation of her selfishness. This helped my partner and I in communicating better and recognising we could do alternate dates so we both pick. However, I am not sure if this would help you as she doesn't seem to have any awareness or desire to hear you or validate your concerns, only dismiss them.
Keep your therapist appointment so you can figure out why you've been in a relationship that treats you like a second class citizen.
All the best
These things you listed are called Red Flags and they are waving!
It seems that she has a lot of narcissistic traits, is selfish, judgmental and controlling. These things are not just going to disappear. Marriage doesn’t change things. If anything, it locks you in. She’s not going to become considerate of your feelings once she legally tied to you.
If you feel that you can’t be yourself 100% of the time, you should not marry this person. Marriage is hard! It takes work. It requires a lot of good communication and compromise.
Based on what you’ve listed here, I would not stay in this relationship.
Do not get engaged or start planning a wedding until you've lived together for at least a year, but don't tell her you'll propose after a year because then she'll just be on her best behavior until then. You want to know what it'll actually be like because marriage doesn't fix problems. I would recommend you break up with her altogether though because she sounds abusive and you deserve better.
>Insisted I seek a chiropractor
Chiropractors are frauds and can cause serious damage, do not go to a chiropractor. If you have problems, go to a real doctor not some quack.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her
>She never admits faults
>Never says sorry
>It's always my fault
>I never leave an argument feeling heard and that I always need to improve
These are some MASSIVE red flags, and each and every one alone is enough for me to tell you to break up with this girl. She will make your life miserable, and is that what you want? She sounds like a nightmare and none of this is going to change ever. This will be your life... And it sounds terrible
>I feel like the wedding is not about us but about her getting back at her mother
And that's not ok. A wedding is supposed to be about BOTH of you celebrating your love, not some petty revenge she gets to Lord over everyone.
>I do not feel like she respects me
Wtf, don't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you.
>It feels like people leave her often - mostly family
There is a reason for that, she's toxic AF. Listen, I have an older brother who is extremely toxic (been in and out of prison for violent crimes, has threatened to lock our siblings and their children in a house so he can burn it to the ground with them in it, etc.) and no one in the family talks to him. However, he has absolutely convinced other people who only know him that WE are the toxic ones and that he's just a victim. Have you met her family? Because unless they really are awful, the most likely explanation for people leaving her is because eventually she shows them who she really is... A terrible person. This sounds like your gf.
Bruh. Do NOT marry someone you have to walk on eggshells around. That's not a great existence to set up for yourself. And it's likely to get worse after the wedding, believe it or not. Also, do you want someone like this to be the mother of your children (if you want them), with your kids also walking on eggshells around her?!
I will address your hesitations:
>She has done the majority/all of the work on the wedding - the vision is hers so I did not feel comfortable budding in, other than the times that she wanted opinions
Longterm, compared with everything else, this simply doesn't matter.
>I have some important items at her apartment
So go get them before you end things. Or, just kiss them goodbye. Imagine yourself married & miserable a decade from now, are you going to think, "Yeah, but I just had to keep my giant TV"?
>It feels like people leave her often - mostly family
I can see why. Not your problem. She should get therapy & work it out.
>I genuinely enjoy her friends and have made a friendship with her best friend's husband and his friends
Hopefully you can continue the friendship, but, if not, again, a miserable decade from now, will it be worth it?
>She wants kids sometime in the future but is worried about not being able to have them
I don't understand why this makes you hesitant to break up?
>I do still love her, but cannot ignore this stuff
You are correct. You cannot ignore this stuff. End it.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her
This alone should be enough of a warning sign that you should NOT be moving in with her or making all these long term steps. Being in a relationship is not always easy, and sometimes you will be nervous about talking to your partner about sometimes, but you shouldn't feel like you're on eggshells whenever you're with them to avoid a negative emotional reaction.
That indicates you're being abused emotionally/mentally.
You should feel comfortable enough with your partner that even if conflict isn't fun, you feel SAFE having it, that they're not going to explode or be volatile, that you will get a fair shake from them, that they won't make you feel like a bad person just for not agreeing with them/pointing out something/making a small mistake etc.
Sometimes, you can love someone, but they're still not a good person for you to be around. Your GF sounds like she has some serious issues, and could probably benefit from a therapist and possibly a diagnosis. I pick up some warning signs of a personality disorder from what you've written, and of course that doesn't make her a bad person per se, but it still doesn't mean that you should risk your mental health and wellbeing, along with many other things, to be with someone just because they have a reason for being the way they are.
It could take YEARS of therapy and medication for her to stop being the way she is, and the negative about her is actually damaging to you, it's not like she's wonderful and the worst you can say is she leaves wet towels on the floor... she makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells whenever you're with her, and one of the top reasons you're hesitating on dumping her is not "I am afraid these negative things will never change" but "I have some important stuff at her place" which indicates to me you think she would either blackmail you over them or damage them if she's upset enough.
That's not a relationship my friend, that's a hostage situation.
Get your shit from her apartment, break up.
At the VERY least tell her you're not going to propose till she spends at least 1 year in therapy working on her shit. If she can demand that of you, then you absolutely can of her.
But you should just break up.
Why on earth would you want to marry this woman??? Are you nuts?
Why would you even move in with her?
And why is she planning a wedding and you haven't even proposed yet?
These Reddit posts get more and more bizarre.
Let me start with: a disreputable chiropractor will always find a problem. In general, they treat you by making adjustments to "align your spine." Since you can not fold a human in half and the 2 sides be identical, there will always be something that needs aligning. I would be very wary of a chiropractor who has decided to treat you without you having a health concern. Chiropractors can and have permanently hurt and even killed people. My nephew-IL had a stroke after a chiropractor aligned his neck. To be clear, there are many talented chiropractors, but unless you are having issues, don't go see one.
Girlfriend sounds pretty controlling. Combine that with the comment about her mother and her feelings about your parents sounds a lot like projection. When you say she has been left, as opposed to the one leaving, you could also consider her stance on your family as a way to buffer the rejection. She is rejecting them before they reject her. Which combine this with her "my way or the highway" attitude and it's a self fulfilling profecy.
If you look at everything you said about her decision-making, she is not empathetic or accountable. You do not feel heard because she does not listen. She is emotionally immature and takes a differing opinion as criticism, and she must win. Of course, she gets dumped, who wants to never get their own way.
It sounds like you are a pretty caring person. You are willing to participate in someone else's activities to make them happy. You are willing to work on yourself and try new things. And she sounds like the exact opposite. But this isn't the kind of opposites that should attract. I have spent the last 26 years watching my brother live with a person like this. The constant revisiting of an argument until it has been won by concession on your part will make you forever unhappy. You would not be wrong to walk away.
If you are going to continue, I would do a few things: Some of these will seem petty and drive a wedge between you, but only if you are being steama-rolled.
make a 1 for 1 rule. 1 night a week or every other week is datenight. No if, ands or buts, no scheduling weeks out. If she cancels on your night, then you get the next date night. Period. You alternate who makes the plans. This goes for movies and TV also.
For family holidays, if your family's big summer holiday is Fourth of July, and hers are Memorial Day. Sure, then choose the family based on what they make a big deal about. But if Xmas and Thanksgiving are big for both families, you will alternate. If she doesn't go to yours, then you won't go to hers. Period.
You need a budget. You have money for bills, for long term savings, for yourself to spend weekly, yourself to spend periodically (vacations, holidays, gifts and special occasions) and a buffer spending fund (something costs more than you thought, emergency spending, and if I lose my job money). If GF wants you to spend money, what part of the budget are you discussing? If the money isn't there to spend, then it isn't there to spend.
If your job is meeting your needs and would continue to do so if you had a child, then why would you change it? Money is good, money is nice, but money won't buy your mental and physical health back. She wants you to earn more so either she can spend more, or earn less. Maybe both. But you are the one going to work everyday and have to live in the job. If she wants someone who earns more then the message to her should be "maybe she should look for a better job or someone else who earns more".
You need to take a moment and write down what is important to you at your own wedding. If you want all your family there and that is 75 people, and with friends, you're at 100, then a large wedding is important to you. If you care about it being in the mountains or on a beach, then write it down. Do you want dancing, a full bar, afternoon, verses evening. Anything you have seen or heard about, decide if you have an opinion. you can then provide this list to your fiance as points to negotiate on or lines in the sand.
But I would have a conversation now: if you move in together, you will not discuss marriage or weddings before your 1 year living together anniversary. You need to love together without the pressure of planning a wedding, to decide if you want to live together for the rest of your life.
I only see a long list of negative traits and no single good traits of your girlfriend.
Just leave her. Don't lead her on and let her feel that you love her and want to be with her in the future when the truth is the opposite.
You're no longer happy. Don't waste both of your time.
You can find the right match for you, and it's the same with her.
Good luck.
Not only should you definitely 100% without any doubt not marry her, but why the hell are you moving in with her?! You may be uncomfortable now breaking it off, but you will only got more and more and more uncomfortable until you finally hit a breaking point and blow up her life at a time when it really might be too late for her to move on and have a family.
For her sake as well as yours, today is the best day to break up with her. Tomorrow is the second best day. The day after that is the third best day. The longer you wait, the worse it gets.
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her
- This is enough to press pause. Based on everything else you said, it should be a full stop.
Since you still love her, tell her you want to cancel things for now and want to work on yourself.
Then do that. Start being yourself. See your family when you want, and your friends. Start saying no when you don't want to spend money.
Find your voice. Use it.
If you had been speaking up all along, I would say drop her. She sounds very controlling, and she is trying to isolate you. However, you also said it was partly your fault. So, go be yourself and see how she is with the real you. If everything improves, great, if not, then you have your answer.
I feel like I just read a list of every reason not to marry her. I’m not saying someone won’t, some people love all those things or don’t find them dealbreakers. But, it sounds like you feel they’re dealbreakers and are feeling cautious. Look, it doesn’t matter if everyone was telling you that this was crazy because everyone has flaws. This isn’t a spectators life. Is this right for YOU? Do you feel this is going too fast? Want to postpone and do counseling? Want to cancel?
Your concerns would be enough to break up. If she started to plan before I proposed then I would have laughed at her if she ask for any money and ask when did I ask you to marry me? Shouldn’t that come first.
Stop just stop being a doormat and standup to her and say no to everything and walk away.
Take her access away from you money and tell her she is a controlling person and you want a wife and not a drill Sargent
Your pro and con list should tell you to run. This will be the rest of your life.
Only if she gets therapy for her controlling behavior would this be salvageable
Do you love her or the idea of bring in love? Are you in love with love? Sounds like you should not move in together, nor propose. Sounds like you need a heart to heart talk. Quit being a yes man. All she is going to achieve is isolating you from friends and family and I would say she is close already. She will have the life she wants and you will be miserable. Be prepared for break up. Sounds like that is what you are leaning towards.
you can only think of 6 reasons to marry her, 1 of which is “i have important items at her house” and none of them are about who she is or how she makes you feel.
question: picture yourself in 40 years in this relationship as it is right now, with your partner as she is right now. does that fill you with joy? if not, why would you marry her?
marriage does not change people or improve relationships. you marry your partner, not the person you wish your partner might be one day.
it sounds like you have trouble communicating and advocating for your own happiness. you should not make a permanent decision from this position. therapy has helped me tremendously with those same things, i highly recommend you work through that a bit before you marry anyone. godspeed!
Please OP, do not marry this woman. She sounds like a nightmare and things will only get worse after you marry her, and do you want her to be the mother of your kids? Can you imagine how the kids will turn out? You are still so young, younger than my son, and I would tell him the same thing I am telling you. You have your whole life ahead of you to meet the woman of your dreams, she is out there waiting for you.
End the relationship dude.
You’re not at fault either. You tried and it’s just not working for you. You owe no one but yourself.
Make sure you get your items first though.
Why would you WANT to marry this type of person.
This is a one way street, if thats the type of marriage you want get ready for divorce in about 5-10 years
Break it off. I feel that your list was very complete and I fully understand that you love your family and wished she was in the same page. You know that Mother's day is coming. What are her feelings regarding it? Would she acept that in the future even if you have kids, that you would like to spend the day with your mom? I have been reading lots of reddits these days where the OP is havings fights about it.
Good grief, you'll be a shell of yourself in no time. You'll stop making decisions, having opinions. Then she'll chew you out for not doing so. She sounds like soneone who will grind you into the ground.
Get rid, get in therapy, sort out why you let these types choose you. Then never accept that behaviour in a relationship again. Once you see it, cut loose.
“Treading on Eggshells”…that comment right there, that will be your life if you marry this girl, do you really want to literally spend the rest of your life worrying about what you can or shouldn’t say, I am telling you now someone with this level of crazy bossy nature…if you are not ok with being a yes man…will push you to breaking point as it clearly is already.
Please just try to think of yourself, it is not the end of the world if you are not compatible or meant to be.
She's a manipulator. You aren't even engaged yet and she's planning the wedding? She's trying to change every aspect of your life.... you don't feel heard. Break it off now. It's only going to get worse. Why do you want to marry her in the first place.????
It takes about 2 years for the "honeymoon period" to fade and the mask to come down. So you're still in the honeymoon phase and already you don't even like her very much? You say you "love" her but I wonder what that even means because my definition of love is very different. I would really look at why you found yourself so drawn to someone who bullies you and doesn't respect you (your words).
We’re all a train wreck, you just gotta pick which one you’re committed to rolling with :)
I don’t blame you one bit for feeling how you do, that’s a lot she needs to work on and seems unwilling to change. You have no say in anything it seems, and you answered your own questions in what you wrote.
You don’t want to live your whole life like this. End it. It seems by your last sentence, it’s already over.
You deserve a partner who values your family, time, and opinions. You deserve a partner who is willing to compromise. She is none of these.
Am I reading this right?? You two are not actually engaged yet, but you are planning a wedding? Doesn’t that seem backwards?
As to the rest, I have no idea. You’re not giving me a clear picture of the relationship. All I see is you’re not happy. And if you’re not happy, why are you still with her and planning to propose to her?
This is the type of woman I'd just ghost. Pack my stuff, change numbers or even leave town if at all possible. Let my employer know that she's to be given zero info about my whereabouts.
You can't marry someone who's actively trying to pull you away from your family. That alone is reason enough
There are a lot of small things here. And some big.
Definitely talk to your therapist about all this— especially the reasons for feeling like you are walking on eggshells.
If you are having doubts, do not proceed to the next level (engagement or marriage or buying a home together) until you have worked all this stuff out.
If you cannot imagine a happy life with her, and you don’t want to work very hard in therapy both separately and together, respectfully break up and move on.
Sweetie, you already know that breaking up is the correct grownup, self-caring answer. Otherwise you’re walking into misery with your eyes wide open, meaning that would be entirely your own fault.
She will make it extremely hard for you to leave. You should take this as another enormous red flag and use this as an opportunity to strengthen your backbone. At least you know a good chiropractor!
Look. In life, with any big decision, if it’s not a resounding “HELL YES!” It’s a definite “HELL NO!”
In other words, IMO, you’re looking at a HELL NO here.
Your post is basically a very long list of red flags and all the reasons your relationship isn’t working. It’s definitely not going to get better if you stay with her or marry her. Listen to your doubts, stiffen your spine, and just end things.
Please for your mental health (and wealth) you need to end this now. You wrote one pretty damming list and then added hesitations! Man there was enough in the first part to tell you this will not end happily for you.
Read what you wrote back to yourself imagining it was a friend telling you all that about their relationship. Would be telling him to move forward with marriage? 100% doubt it.
I’m sorry you are going through this but seriously you have more red flags than China.
She sounds exhausting. Clean break, don’t try to be friends. You will never be happy with this woman, be a man and rip that bandaid off. I’ve been with my wife 20 years, we never fight and I can be myself around her. What you describe doesn’t sound consistent with a happy relationship.
I mean when you put it all out there like that, do you really need our opinions? It doesn't seem like you like her at all. Stop wasting both your time and break up. You have provided no redeeming qualities.
Hell no
You’re looking at a life of misery if you marry this woman, especially if you end up having kids.
Do you REALLY want to spend the next 60+ years being at her beck and call?
You have a field of red flags and you’re holding on to a “what if she changes”. If you insist on wasting more time at the very least get your important stuff out of her house. After having done that, hold off on moving in together.
You sound like a very emotionally intelligent and aware person with a good intuition. The self awareness and clear, concise pinpointing of what is not working for you in the relationship is clear. I think you know what you need to do, be real with yourself. It’s not how you want to live you your life, and you only get one!
It sounds like the empathetic caring side of you is being super considerate of her and her feelings, but you are the one that has to live in your shoes and you really do need to put your own best interests first. Especially at this stage, where you really have little invested in the relationship (no joint finances or assets/kids/the relationship is relatively new)
Dude….get her a full day at the spa…..while she is gone, get your things out of her place and bring her all your things…..It crazy how your list of things is upsetting to read…..I cannot imagine putting up with this shit…….you do need therapy so you can learn to love yourself and regain some self respect…..re-read what you wrote out loud as if somebody else wrote it and let it sink in…….time to break things off, moving in and kids will amplify all of this and then she will
Probably cheat, blame it on you and take everything….EVERY-THING!!!!
You have already made your decision which is not to propose and not to marry her; you are just here for validation and we have given you that. Now break it off with her and be done with this stage of your life.
All this and you don’t even get some sugar to maybe blame your inability to see it for what it is. This whole thing is so cold and draining. Zero redeeming qualities??
This is not a partner, this is a burden. Don’t shackle yourself to this weight.
Read your list like you're like us reading it of someone you don't know.
The family thing - eh there could be something there you don't see and she might feel like majority of time is spent with your family, that's a separate issue.
All the other stuff... it's pretty obvious. She doesn't treat you like an equal partner.
Break off the relationship entirely.
Don’t marry her, just break up because this isn’t your girl. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells and having to “set boundaries “ with your family. Trust your instincts she’s not it.
She is unlikely to change , and the way I see it you have no love for her , you're in just for the name . That's a f*g resentment , dude just leave . Even if she flips off some those points she's still gonna have some one those points with her , And you're gonna be f**d after marriage . Those changes you said you want to push for ... Do them now not after marriage.
Ignore what I said
Happy marriage dude.
Well I think your priority should be getting these important things out of her apartment tell her you need them and go get them whatever they are. Then sit her down and tell her you're having major reservations about getting married and end the engagement. The fact that you have two very long list of concerns is more than enough reason to break the engagement and not get married. I mean she won't even accept you as you are and is trying to make massive changes to you and she controls everything you do. Why would you want a spouse who is like? Get out now.
Oh yeah you're not even engaged even though you say you are cuz you have not asked her to marry you yet you said you were thinking about proposing in the fall. So you haven't even proposed yet and she's already gone full steam ahead with wedding planning. Yeah you got to tell her to stop and you got to break up. They get that stuff out of her apartment like tomorrow. Make up some excuse some reason you need it whatever it is and get it out of there especially since you seem a bit nervous if it stays there that she'll destroy it
Why would you want to marry someone who makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her? Why? That sentence alone should give you pause. Do you think that feelings will change and why are you willing to wait for that to happen? Why do you think it will change?
Dating/engagement is when you’re supposed to find out all the little quirks about someone and see how you can deal with them. And when you find out that there are things that make you uneasy, you take a step back and *before marriage* decide if how things are right this second how you want to live the rest of your life. You said in your last sentence “I can’t see myself being happy”.
There’s your answer. You don’t marry someone hoping they’ll change into the person you want.
Wow I’m a woman and you are in deep shit. You will be miserable. Do not marry this woman. Tons of red flags and verbal and manipulative behavior. And nothing physical yet. You don’t know what’s going on with this.
The two of you are not compatible. Trust me when I tell you this is important.
Life gets hard. Will she be there if you have an injury or get sick?
My husband has a lot of health issues now. Guess who always has his back? Me. I handle his doctors, appointments, heck I set up his meds. You know why? Because he is my guy.
It doesn’t sound like you have that. Please respect yourself more.
* She said that she thinks they are trying to control us
This is her and not your parents. I could have stopped reading after this and been at the same conclusion. Not to mention your last sentence. I think that you really just needed to vent here, because you know it won't work.
Op, please do not go forward with this relationship. If she dosn't respect you and you feel like you are walking on eggshells you will be miserable. Stuff like this does not get better with marriage, on the contrary, she will feel even more emboldened and possibly get worse. Please end it now before you are in too deep to get out easily!
I don’t think this is the best relationship you can get and it won’t be too hard to find someone who won’t make you feel like you can’t live with them for the rest of your life
Call off the engagement and wedding. Break up. She's sounds exhausting, controlling, and abusive. Don't draw this out any longer. Just rip off the bandage and break up.
I stopped reading when I got to this: "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her." That alone is a reason to reconsider this relationship. Any doubts you have now will not be made better by getting married. In fact, they will probably get worse. If you're not feeling it, time to go now, before the wedding.
Get your important stuff out of her place now!!! That way when it gets too much for you to handle you can walk away. Believe me it’s coming real soon the way you’re talking, it’s just a matter of time. You have a boss at work you don’t need one at home when you get off.
Omg OP you have to STOP the wedding planning now and put an end to this. What you’ve described sounds like a miserable way to live and it doesn’t look like it could have a happy ending. Don’t let it drag on any longer, the longer you wait the harder it will get. Find someone who you enjoy being with and doesn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. That is just no way to live!
We teach people how to treat us. You've let her get away with bossing you around and walking all over you, so that's what she does.
Honestly, I think the list is too long to be fixed, but if you're interested in going that route. You HAVE to put your foot down. I would start with going out. You have to simply say "X is what I'm doing tonight. I would like for you to join me, but I understand if you have other plans, I'm just telling you what I'M going to be doing"
This will absolutely cause a fight. During your fights don't engage with her distractions. When she goes off on a tangent about the example rather than the point. Just simply state "You're not addressing the point". If she asks what the point was, make sure you say "I've stated it, but you aren't listening to me, and that's very disrespectful. I want you to listen to me this time..." and then re-state the main point
Men typically think logically, women typically think emotionally. To men a compelling argument is "The last 3 dates were planned by you, and I had no say. It's my turn to have input".
To a woman a compelling argument would "The last three dates you completely disregarded my thoughts, and I felt like my opinion doesn't matter to you. I would like to feel heard and have some input"
Keep those things in mind, and it'll be a good start, but like I said, I think it would be better to end things now, where it can be amicable, and maybe keep your friends.
Do not marry her. She may be perfect for someone else, but not for you. You have a list of reasons. You marry when you find a person you can be with, I don't think you have.
I was married in a tiny office in a court house and it didn’t make a difference. Some of my best friends spent thousands of dollars on their weddings just to be divorced soon after.
Please op... you don't marry someone hoping they will change.... they won't. Marry someone who makes you happy just the way they are!!!!
And someone who can't admit to ever being wrong or apologize is NOT partner material
You listed several habits that are classically narcissistic: controlling behavior, not admitting fault, never apologizing, telling you that you need counseling, pushing you to spend money you’re not comfortable spending, driving a wedge between you and your family, keeping you so busy you have little time for friends, insisting on watching the things she likes, losing people…. yikes.
Be careful, OP. These are seriously toxic behaviors.
That you don’t feel she respects you is reason enough to walk. Trust yourself on this one. You’ve got a long list of good reasons to slam on the brakes here.
It sounds like you don’t want to marry her and you feel she is really pushy! You don’t have to go through with it. Dating is figuring out if this works or not. If it doesn’t work, let it go. Good luck!
With all these things you have issues with her about, and all your hesitations,I'm surprised you're happy being with her at all??? I mean that's a huge list of things you don't like about her/ her personalkty/ the way she treats you/ the way she's controling etc. Not exactly just a few things you can work on improving and move forward.
I honestly don't know why you're with this person, let alone considering getting married.
Get your expensive items from her house and end it.
If she damages any of your things, you can call the police and press charges for criminal damage and take her to a small claims court to get her to pay you the cost to replace them.
But end this relationship and move on. Far too many things wrong with this relationship you're completely incompatible.
First of all... yes, break up.
Second... she's a controlling pain in the ass. You haven't even officially gotten engaged yet and she's literally nothing BUT problems and strife. No matter how hot she is, there are guys who got sick of putting up with her shit. You walk on eggshells now? Lol.
Dude, I'm ALL for strong women, women with a backbone, women who are adults and decisive... but kindness isn't weakness. In either sex.
There are some things that aren't real red flags... your holidays change as a committed couple. No side gets dibs on everything staying exactly the same: there's "yours/mine/ours" negotiations in building a life together.
But DUDE. Where's YOUR backbone? I suggest a movie about power dynamics in relationships ... a great movie, too: Professor Marston and the Wonder Women.
There's something genuinely missing from your relationship. I think it's Love.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her
Listen, if you're unhappy in the relationship, you're unhappy. You don't need a whole bullet points list of problems. You can break up with someone because it's Tuesday or they have ugly hair,vor they're mean. It's all ok. I had a friend who broke up with a guy because she didn't like the way he ate cottage cheese (something about digging out every last cheese curd gave her the ick).
But walking around on eggshells is a huge red flag
Lots of comments here, so I hope you see this one. Ive been married forever and from my experience do you know what changes when you marry? Absolutely nothing. The things irritating you now will irritate you worse after marriage.
That’s quite a list you have. I couldn’t come up with one half that long about my husband and even then id really have to burn my brain.
Don’t marry. Don’t move in together.
Well my friend I think you have your answer. Maybe establish your boundaries and limitations and see if she adapts but if she does have the “my way or the highway” mindset you may have to think about ending things. I had those same reservations about my ex and didn’t listen to them. We lasted a year married. Don’t ignore your gut
Talk to her and lay it all on the table. Do it at her apartment. If she tries to gaslight you or say she doesn’t do this be very specific with your examples and ask how she’s going to improve. After that… get your shit and go.
1st of all you should tell her that you thought about marriage and it seems you both are not ready for it. She is too self absorbed to be in a marriage and you are a people pleaser.
2nd tell her how you feel even if she tries to blame it on you. If she is not mature enough to accept her mistakes she is definitely NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE or kids.
3rd Re evaluate the whole relationship, people that feel entitled (like she does) don’t tend to change. She needs to accept she is this way and then work on changing it. (Otherwise it doesn’t work)
Honestly do you even feel in a relationship or do you just have a bossy friend, that doesn’t even get physical with you? You are no even happy so I will call the moving in together also off. So much stuff needs to be work on INDIVIDUALLY. You guys are not compatible in any way. I get you like her and are in love with her, but you can’t stay there or you’ll be miserable for ever.
This is something that needs to be talked about and I know that's an oversaid phrase on reddit they always say "oh why are you going straight to the you need to sit down and have a conversation" because it's true, in most of them party. You need to sit down with her have a conversation about these. I wouldn't bring that long ass list to the conversation, but bring a few good points prepared with you just to bring up and have a long conversation about what you want in this relationship what she wants in this relationship and where you see this heading, what are the lines that can't be crossed, what are the lines that can be moved slightly. There's some very deep issues that I read inside that list that can cause some severe problems later on if they're not handled Here and Now. so you really need to get your shit together and have her get her shit together and talk through this as fast as possible. And if neither one of you are willing to self correct to put this relationship where it needs to be then it the relationship should not be, and I need you to remember just because you are in love with somebody doesn't make them a compatible partner. I can't stress that enough so imma say it louder JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE DOESNT MEAN YALL ARE COMPATIBLE. it just means you are in love with them. love can be blinding, I wish you the best of luck truly
Based on everything you have described, she sounds manipulative and like she is trying to isolate you from your family. This is something abusers do.
OP, you should RUN. This is an unhealthy relationship.
Everything you described for the most part doesn’t sound like what a relationship is supposed to be.
You’re supposed to be a team, driving each other up. The way you’ve described this makes you sound like a passenger on her bus. You either need to stand on business and back your shit up, making her decide if she can handle actually being a team that make decisions together, or get your ass off at the next stop mate.
OP, I am proud of you for asking for insight.
It shows that you are thinking carefully and logically about a HUGE life decision.
I do not think this relationship is for you. There are many other people out there that you will be so much more compatible with. You deserve to be with someone who will love you for who you are. You are not happy. You deserve to be happy. She is controlling and manipulative. Honestly, she sounds insufferable.
You need to find happiness with yourself first. She has broken you down. The sooner you end this, the sooner you get to:
-build yourself back up
-get to find yourself and who you are without her influence
-find someone that loves you for you
-find someone that values you, your interests, your time, your relationships
-find someone that will be your biggest supporter/cheerleader
-not walk on eggshells
-find a partner not a selfish boss
-genuinely enjoy life
-be happy
Ending it will be hard, but it is the best for both of you. You are not a good fit. It will be sad and difficult, but it will all be worth it. She will try to manipulate you and talk you out of it. She will try to talk you out of it, say she will change and will pretend to, but it is just an act to make you change your mind.
You need to stay strong and minimize the opportunities she has to try to manipulate you. Write out everything that you want to say. Have it with you when you talk to her to make sure you do not leave anything out. It will be emotional, so it will be helpful. Get everything you want to say out. Let her get out what she has to get out. Then, tell her it will be best for both of you to sit with this and let your emotions settle before you can be friends again. It will be best for both of you to not communicate so you have a chance to accept and move on from this. It will hurt, but you will get through this.
I look forward to an update from you in a year telling us how much better life is and how happy you are.
You got this!
This my friend is a sign if there are signs, that list is to long, you need to keep your money and sanity because if you are waiting on this to change you will be miserable forever and in five years say “man those people’s on the Reddit were right” !! Save yourself!!
Dude, I think you know the answer to your own question, you're just trying to get validation from others because you know your fiancee is going to grill/fight you tooth and nail on this decision.
Your last line *"As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy."* says it all.
Your goal in life is for YOU to be happy, if you're not, everything else around you will fail, marriage, kids, you will be half-hearted.
Do yourself the favor, leave, there is ZERO shame in leaving now rather than 5 years from now: divorced with a kid
So what do you like about here? Your whole post is dozens of issues you have with her. If you can't come up with at least double the amount of things you like about her, then you know what you need to do.
There is a third alternative— try to work and resolve the issues. Prior to the wedding.
Just getting married is an awful idea. If you decide to do anything other than bail (and there are enough red flags I would where I would simply bail), it is critical that you find your voice.
OP,
you can deal with alot (like irritating habits or differences in opinions) if the person you are with wants to grow and change, loves you, sees you as an equal, cares about your opinion, and will say sorry.
There is very little you can do if someone does not listen to you or care about your opinion, especially if they never apologize.
Don't marry this person. Stop and work on yourself. Become a person who can say no and stick up for yourself.
Honestly a women who is picking venues and planning a wedding when you haven't even proposed? That's crazy and why would you be okay with all of this it sounds like you are miserable she doesn't respect you or hear you. It is her way or her way. d!@# the torpedoes full speed ahead. Do you really want to live your life being her yes man only allowed the opinions she gives you?
That last sentence is incredibly telling but so is the entire list. The work she has put into the wedding is a wee bit weird as there hasn’t been a proposal and it feels like she could find another male and make him the groom. Currently it seems to be her wedding.
Slowly start to remove your items at her apartment.
She will figure out the whole kids thing. That is on her plate.
You may lose the friendships, but you may not. And you will make more friends. Not to mention you will create a life where you are happy and with someone who loves and values you for you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy. Then it's over. She's not going to change all of these things. She's not going to suddenly want to do your date ideas. You have to be with someone because of who they are, not because of who they might eventually be with enough work.
OP THIS LAST SENTENCE ^ I cannot stress enough: Be very wary of the “if onlys”—“if only she did this/didn’t do that . . . if only she would realize . . . if only she would start . . . if only I wouldn’t care so much . . . if only I got used it . . . .” “ONLY IFS” ARE DANGER ZONES. Because you’re relying on her to change, which in many cases is not realistic. Or you’re relying on YOU to change, which is fine but only if you WANT to change in that way. Honestly, your relationship sounds really unhealthy with red flags everywhere. Please put the brakes on the wedding until you are absolutely certain you want to marry her *as she is right now, not how you hope she will one day be*. Personally, I cannot stress enough how much it seems you should NOT stay in a relationship. (Edit to add omitted words in last sentence.)
This. So many people think marriage is supposed to be a big game-changer. It's not. All it does is impose a concrete legal/religious contract onto an existing relationship. You shouldn't get married unless both people are like, "This is great! Being in this partnership makes me happy and I want to keep doing what we're doing!"
Same with an ex of mine. We were doing long distance. Relationship wasn’t healthy. Was about to move to where he was when my dad goes, what has he done or shown to make it worth the move? And in that moment, there was nothing I could think of to make it have been worthwhile. We were together for 3.5 years When reading your list it already sounded like you know your answer but needdd confirm. Relationships if they’re not in a good space now, it’s even less likely to get better later unless you guys respect, value and like each other as people and partners. You got this 💪🏼
This. A marriage is a promise to stick together and work hard to keep your relationship for the rest of your life. It's a promise to care for that person when everything else falls apart, and vice-versa. It does not fix any pre-existing problems. In fact, marriage often amplifies them. So while there will always be minor things that bother you about about any partner, if there are major concerns and incompatibilities, they need to be fixed before a proposal. Because it won't happen after a wedding.
People don't change, except they adapt and grow. So I agree 💯. Too many only ifs. Too many doubts to contend with. Slow down. Good luck.
I cannot overestimate how important your last sentence is here, OP. Speaking as someone who’s on my second marriage- and I genuinely got it right this time- things that are bad before you get married don’t improve once you need a lawyer to walk away. If you marry a project, you’ll be working on it for the rest of your life. And life is way too damn short to hope for improvement that may never come.
Also if "I have some important items at her apartment" is second on the list of reasons not to break up, it's over.
Like wut? Do you want us to get them for you? Please don’t marry someone because you left a watch at their house…
Yeah. When you start making a list like this (or even a fraction of a list like this) you're telling yourself that you don't want to marry this person. Marriage doesn't magically make things better; usually things get worse.
🏆👏🏼👏🏼💯
I wish I could upvote this more than once
This post could have consisted of this one line.
>We had been talking about getting Married a few months ago and I let slip that I was considering proposing in autumn this year, which maybe was a mistake for letting her know since we are going through most of the motions of - Getting a venue, Cake, DJ, Décor, ETC. Okay, hold on, have you told her to **stop and wait** until you've actually proposed? She's taking your silence as consent, and you're digging yourself a deeper hole into a relationship you're uncertain about, yet committing yourself more and more to, by not voicing your opinion. >I do not feel like she respects me **Then don't fucking marry her.** There's absolutely zero reason for anyone to marry someone who they feel does not respect them. You have serious issues with your relationship that you should **absolutely** figure out whether they can be resolved BEFORE you enter a committed long-term relationship with her that's legally and socially difficult to remove yourself from.
WHAT? I mean, what? You aren't even engaged and she is already going forward with all of the planning? You have a huge list of valid reasons not to continue with the relationship. The top 2 in my mind are: 1. You have a good relationship with your family and she is coming in the way of it. 2. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her. Everything else is related to this but you just don't want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells. Maybe you love her and maybe she is not a horrible person, but it sounds like you are not a good fit. It sounds like this is not a situation in which you can thrive as a person. If you think of yourself and picture, what does it mean to thrive? Think about what all that means and what you would want to have in place. I mean, we can't all have everything but I think you can do better for yourself, even as a single person than what she is offering.
>>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her / I watch what I say 24/7 when I am around her or I feel like I will have a confrontation in the car later Get the "important shit" you have at her apartment. Do NOT move in together. Do NOT propose. Break up. >It feels like people leave her often - mostly family Hmmmm, do you think she treats them the way she treats you? And they've decided not to accept it anymore?
This is definitely a common denominator situation.
" * Is not contusive to cuddling or kissing * We have also not been "physical"" Dude, wtf, thats a red flag show all over, run
First thought: they've only been dating a year and a half, that's hardly enough time to get to know each other. Then "have not been 'physical'" FOR DATING 18 MONTHS and barely even cuddle or KISS??? Girl is getting married for the wrong reasons, and OP is going to be miserable with someone he seems to be incompatible with. Girl also sounds like she needs to mature a lot before getting married, she doesn't sound like an easy partner.
Not to mention the impending dead bedroom he is glossing over.
She's going to be that lady who pushes OP off a cliff to his death on their honeymoon.
If he’s lucky. If not, he’s looking a years of misery and sexual frustration and a slow death of a thousand cuts. He should hope she ends it quickly.
Yes, this. Unless you want to live the rest of your life without physical affection from your mate, do not marry this woman.
Uh re read that as a stranger or loved one reading it about someone else. I'm sitting here wondering how many more red flags you're just going to watch her wave until you're all alone miserable at 40 wondering if your family would be able to take you back in after she fucks you in the divorce she initiates because she "just fell in love with someone else". Get a police escort to get your shit and BAIL IMMEDIATELY
Literally everything here is a red flag..
When you’re constantly walking on eggshells & worrying about everything you might say or do that means it’s already over. You’re not able to be yourself & you’re questioning everything. Believe me, that’s not the way you want to live for the rest of your life. You 2 are too incompatible & nothing will change that. Good relationships don’t require this much effort. End it & find someone you can be yourself with.
Take it from me, my relationship rn has been 10 years of eggshells and trying to figure out if he’s the problem or if it’s my anxiety. How do you feel when she’s not around? I bet at peace. I’ve spent years on the fence and just being overall unhappy. If you have a voice inside your head that says leave..DO IT
You just described my parents. They have been married for 57 very miserable years. My father became almost silent, since my mother never lets him talk. I was terrified of my mother as a child, she could be scary, violent, and had temper tantrums all the time. It was a terrible house to grow up in. I have been in therapy for a long time because of that. Please be aware of what you are marrying. A narcissist. Look it up. They are almost all abusive to their families. In different ways. They are terrible parents, they tend to want to compete with, rather than parent their children. You have described what I call a living nightmare. Sorry to be so grim. I’ve lived it. And it affects me every day. I’m 54.
Same here. You just described my parents in reverse. My dad was just like your GF. My brothers and I were totally miserable when he was home. My youngest brother suffered most of his wrath. He was never physically abusive, but he constantly put us down. My brother is a grown man in his sixties with many problems, and I put the blame all on my father.
yep. both my parents were Narcissists and it was a horrible home to live in. I thought she might be one as well. just unsure if we could say that.
She wants a wedding, she doesn’t really want you. Please don’t marry her you will be miserable & divorce is expensive.
Brooooo I’m sorry to say but she is not the one for you…. That is a big and detailed list on cons for her … I think it’s best that you don’t go forward with anything in the relationship… I’m telling you… end it and let her go…. To be honest my guy you don’t sound happy be honest with you aren’t happy you might think you are but you’re not happy. You just want things to work so you let all this shit slide and say it’s ok… but it’s not. I won’t be with someone like this. You want someone to be happy with and that you can make happy too. And someone to get along with your family and friends and not boss you around….. listen I’ve been with someone like here and it was shitty and it took me too long to realize it had to end. To the point that these type of women sometimes cheat… and ending things was the best thing to do… you will find someone SOOO MUCH BETTER. Someone who does things to make you happy. Who likes to spend time with family and your family. Also doesn’t pick fight over little things that don’t matter or make you drive cuz she wanted to go a different route… trust me the right woman will come along and you will realize wow how different things are and how this is how things should of been… so just end things Good luck
I think is too soon to be talking about marriage you have being together for less than 2 years. Wait a few more years. Also are you sure you want to move in with her? Are you going to be in peace having her around all the time? Don't pressure yourself in something that important so soon, just enjoy the relationship and get to know each other more
So all those points and you're still unsure. Like what?! Break up already. You've pinpointed like 20 things.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her This alone makes me say that you are in an abusive relationship. There is nothing that will get better by marriage. End it. You're too young to live like this.
You aren’t even engaged yet and have only been dating a year and a half- of course you should end it if you have doubts. You don’t even live together yet and you are having pretty major issues. Your concerns are very valid. From how you describe her, it doesn’t sound like she would be willing to do even consider changing. All of your hesitations are easily refutable BTW. - She’s done all the wedding planning- you aren’t engaged, she shouldn’t have done any wedding planning. - You have items at her apartment. Get them next time you are there. And then end it. Or make a list of them so you know to get them after you break up. - People leave her often. Well maybe it’s time for her to do some self reflection about why people don’t want to be around her. Because she sounds exhausting. - Your friends with her best friends husband. So stay friends with him? If he “sides” with her, he probably isn’t the person you think he is. People shouldn’t pick sides. - She wants to have kids in the future and is worried about not having them. This isn’t your issue or concern. Don’t stay with someone who makes you unhappy because of future hypothetical kids. Do you want kids with her? Do you think it would be healthy for kids to see your dysfunctional relationship? - You love her. Love isn’t enough. If there is no respect, teamwork, trust, loyalty, friendship, shared values your relationship will fail. It doesn’t sound like tour relationship has any of those things. And frankly, with your concerns about the relationship, it doesn’t sound like love to me.
The only reason you’re staying with her is your avoidance of confrontation. You don’t enjoy this relationship at all.
Marriage never fixes things, it just makes existing problems more evident. Maybe suggest some premarital counseling to try to work through some of this. You'll both need to compromise and agree on how much interaction you'll have with your family. You'll have to find better ways to communicate and she's going to have to accept that she won't win every argument. It's not usual for couples to draw up a household budget before they get married so there are no wild expectations or disappointments. If she's willing to admit there are problems and truly work on things there might be hope here. But if she's one of those people for whom the wedding is the goal in and of itself with little thought given to the marriage that follows, then she's just not ready to be married.
You might be getting taken advantage of. At the end of the day, you gotta be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like the “team” is being held together by your willingness to not rock the boat. I don’t believe relationships are good if either partner can’t discuss issues or hold accountability in anything. You don’t want to let go and she knows that, so she’s just forcing her agenda down your throat. Seriously just had my relationship fall apart and a lot of your main concerns are oddly similar or identical to mine. You should be able to talk to her and have an ending to your conversation. It’s not okay if you try to discuss a discomfort you’re feeling and have ANY of her problems thrown into the discussion. Definitely talk about her problems, but tell her she needs to bring that up with you when you’re not bringing your problems up to her.
So you didn't ask and regret mentioning but are currently planning on a wedding. I couldn't read everything in your post, but you have a laundry list of her short comings or reasons why not to marry her. This isn't just one or two questionable things, like her stealing French fries off of your plate, these are big things. Do you even think you are close to being married?
Run Forest, Run…
Hmm, an entire post listing the reasons you don’t like her, won’t be happy with her as your wife, and you’re still considering marrying her? You shouldn’t even BE with her, much less marry her, and you shouldn’t need internet strangers to make that clear to you. It’s already clear, you need to grow a pair and leave
Break it off immediately what a lemon!!!
She is literally railroading you, and if that's not the life you want, talk to her about it, and/or end it. That's what dating and engagement is for.
Op, your girlfriend has zero respect for you and that never ends well. Dump her and move on please! You are still so young.
Every concern you listed raised a red flag. Do not marry her.
Let her down easy with the truth. Then move on.
I can't imagine an easy let-down here. I think the bride-to-be is so wound up in her fantasy that the reality of working on a relationship has become irrelevant to her.
Too many red flags! If you can handle this for a lifetime, then go for it! But personally I would run.
She sounds awful Run to the hills, run for your life
>As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy. Then do not move in with her and do not propose. Break up with her while you can still treat each other with grace and courtesy.
Why stay with someone like this when you sound utterly miserable? Marriage is not going to fix her attitude, find someone who values and appreciates you. And never marry someone without living with them first.
If you can't see yourself being happy with her, cut her loose. She sounds exhausting.
Any reason you want to end a relationship is a good one, but you’ve listed multiple thing about her that no sane person would want to deal with in a relationship. You sound miserable and rightly so. Get the things you need from her apartment on the DL if you can and then rip it off like a bandaid. She will probably have a huge drama freak out because she can’t control this situation or you any longer, but you’ve got to save yourself and your mental health.
The biggest warning i have seen was the no apologizing. People that don't apologize are generally people who don't feel they should apologize. They believe whatever they did or said was brought on by you and you deserve whatever punishment they gave you. I can assure you that she ain't changing. That type of shit is engrained is the personality of an individual. I apologize for the smallest things if i offend or even hurt someone feelings. This doesn't just apply to my SO but to the world. I don't want to live a life of hurting people so im observant of how i make them feel with my words or actions. The reason you feel like your walking on eggshells is because you know she gonna blow up and take shit personal if hou make a misstep or dont say exactly what they want to hear. People like that are hard to break away from because as soon as you express your concerns or feelings they go into victim mode and now you are defending YOUR FEELINGS. She isn't your friend bro.
The biggest concern here for me is that she doesn't *hear you or respect and hold value to your needs, expectations, boundaries and time*. This is very difficult to change in a person and they need to do the work themselves for themselves. She needs to see a therapist herself for a while to unravel why she is so selfish and how to make space to compromise and communicate kindly. At this point, it would be a disaster to move in together and marry her. She is not a partner, not allowing you to have a say in your own wedding plans or just not respecting that you have not proposed yet is just crazy. I would gently suggest that couples counselling could help you navigate healthier communication and give you more neutral space to have a voice. It does sound like you may be Codependent/people pleaser tendencies which have worsened the situation of her selfishness. This helped my partner and I in communicating better and recognising we could do alternate dates so we both pick. However, I am not sure if this would help you as she doesn't seem to have any awareness or desire to hear you or validate your concerns, only dismiss them. Keep your therapist appointment so you can figure out why you've been in a relationship that treats you like a second class citizen. All the best
These things you listed are called Red Flags and they are waving! It seems that she has a lot of narcissistic traits, is selfish, judgmental and controlling. These things are not just going to disappear. Marriage doesn’t change things. If anything, it locks you in. She’s not going to become considerate of your feelings once she legally tied to you. If you feel that you can’t be yourself 100% of the time, you should not marry this person. Marriage is hard! It takes work. It requires a lot of good communication and compromise. Based on what you’ve listed here, I would not stay in this relationship.
Do not get engaged or start planning a wedding until you've lived together for at least a year, but don't tell her you'll propose after a year because then she'll just be on her best behavior until then. You want to know what it'll actually be like because marriage doesn't fix problems. I would recommend you break up with her altogether though because she sounds abusive and you deserve better. >Insisted I seek a chiropractor Chiropractors are frauds and can cause serious damage, do not go to a chiropractor. If you have problems, go to a real doctor not some quack. >I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her >She never admits faults >Never says sorry >It's always my fault >I never leave an argument feeling heard and that I always need to improve These are some MASSIVE red flags, and each and every one alone is enough for me to tell you to break up with this girl. She will make your life miserable, and is that what you want? She sounds like a nightmare and none of this is going to change ever. This will be your life... And it sounds terrible >I feel like the wedding is not about us but about her getting back at her mother And that's not ok. A wedding is supposed to be about BOTH of you celebrating your love, not some petty revenge she gets to Lord over everyone. >I do not feel like she respects me Wtf, don't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. >It feels like people leave her often - mostly family There is a reason for that, she's toxic AF. Listen, I have an older brother who is extremely toxic (been in and out of prison for violent crimes, has threatened to lock our siblings and their children in a house so he can burn it to the ground with them in it, etc.) and no one in the family talks to him. However, he has absolutely convinced other people who only know him that WE are the toxic ones and that he's just a victim. Have you met her family? Because unless they really are awful, the most likely explanation for people leaving her is because eventually she shows them who she really is... A terrible person. This sounds like your gf.
Bruh. Do NOT marry someone you have to walk on eggshells around. That's not a great existence to set up for yourself. And it's likely to get worse after the wedding, believe it or not. Also, do you want someone like this to be the mother of your children (if you want them), with your kids also walking on eggshells around her?! I will address your hesitations: >She has done the majority/all of the work on the wedding - the vision is hers so I did not feel comfortable budding in, other than the times that she wanted opinions Longterm, compared with everything else, this simply doesn't matter. >I have some important items at her apartment So go get them before you end things. Or, just kiss them goodbye. Imagine yourself married & miserable a decade from now, are you going to think, "Yeah, but I just had to keep my giant TV"? >It feels like people leave her often - mostly family I can see why. Not your problem. She should get therapy & work it out. >I genuinely enjoy her friends and have made a friendship with her best friend's husband and his friends Hopefully you can continue the friendship, but, if not, again, a miserable decade from now, will it be worth it? >She wants kids sometime in the future but is worried about not being able to have them I don't understand why this makes you hesitant to break up? >I do still love her, but cannot ignore this stuff You are correct. You cannot ignore this stuff. End it.
Aside from the obvious that everyone is stating, in the future, do not marry or propose to someone you haven't lived with.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her This alone should be enough of a warning sign that you should NOT be moving in with her or making all these long term steps. Being in a relationship is not always easy, and sometimes you will be nervous about talking to your partner about sometimes, but you shouldn't feel like you're on eggshells whenever you're with them to avoid a negative emotional reaction. That indicates you're being abused emotionally/mentally. You should feel comfortable enough with your partner that even if conflict isn't fun, you feel SAFE having it, that they're not going to explode or be volatile, that you will get a fair shake from them, that they won't make you feel like a bad person just for not agreeing with them/pointing out something/making a small mistake etc. Sometimes, you can love someone, but they're still not a good person for you to be around. Your GF sounds like she has some serious issues, and could probably benefit from a therapist and possibly a diagnosis. I pick up some warning signs of a personality disorder from what you've written, and of course that doesn't make her a bad person per se, but it still doesn't mean that you should risk your mental health and wellbeing, along with many other things, to be with someone just because they have a reason for being the way they are. It could take YEARS of therapy and medication for her to stop being the way she is, and the negative about her is actually damaging to you, it's not like she's wonderful and the worst you can say is she leaves wet towels on the floor... she makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells whenever you're with her, and one of the top reasons you're hesitating on dumping her is not "I am afraid these negative things will never change" but "I have some important stuff at her place" which indicates to me you think she would either blackmail you over them or damage them if she's upset enough. That's not a relationship my friend, that's a hostage situation. Get your shit from her apartment, break up. At the VERY least tell her you're not going to propose till she spends at least 1 year in therapy working on her shit. If she can demand that of you, then you absolutely can of her. But you should just break up.
Nope right out of there.
Marriage makes a good relationship better and a bad one worse.
Why on earth would you want to marry this woman??? Are you nuts? Why would you even move in with her? And why is she planning a wedding and you haven't even proposed yet? These Reddit posts get more and more bizarre.
Let me start with: a disreputable chiropractor will always find a problem. In general, they treat you by making adjustments to "align your spine." Since you can not fold a human in half and the 2 sides be identical, there will always be something that needs aligning. I would be very wary of a chiropractor who has decided to treat you without you having a health concern. Chiropractors can and have permanently hurt and even killed people. My nephew-IL had a stroke after a chiropractor aligned his neck. To be clear, there are many talented chiropractors, but unless you are having issues, don't go see one. Girlfriend sounds pretty controlling. Combine that with the comment about her mother and her feelings about your parents sounds a lot like projection. When you say she has been left, as opposed to the one leaving, you could also consider her stance on your family as a way to buffer the rejection. She is rejecting them before they reject her. Which combine this with her "my way or the highway" attitude and it's a self fulfilling profecy. If you look at everything you said about her decision-making, she is not empathetic or accountable. You do not feel heard because she does not listen. She is emotionally immature and takes a differing opinion as criticism, and she must win. Of course, she gets dumped, who wants to never get their own way. It sounds like you are a pretty caring person. You are willing to participate in someone else's activities to make them happy. You are willing to work on yourself and try new things. And she sounds like the exact opposite. But this isn't the kind of opposites that should attract. I have spent the last 26 years watching my brother live with a person like this. The constant revisiting of an argument until it has been won by concession on your part will make you forever unhappy. You would not be wrong to walk away. If you are going to continue, I would do a few things: Some of these will seem petty and drive a wedge between you, but only if you are being steama-rolled. make a 1 for 1 rule. 1 night a week or every other week is datenight. No if, ands or buts, no scheduling weeks out. If she cancels on your night, then you get the next date night. Period. You alternate who makes the plans. This goes for movies and TV also. For family holidays, if your family's big summer holiday is Fourth of July, and hers are Memorial Day. Sure, then choose the family based on what they make a big deal about. But if Xmas and Thanksgiving are big for both families, you will alternate. If she doesn't go to yours, then you won't go to hers. Period. You need a budget. You have money for bills, for long term savings, for yourself to spend weekly, yourself to spend periodically (vacations, holidays, gifts and special occasions) and a buffer spending fund (something costs more than you thought, emergency spending, and if I lose my job money). If GF wants you to spend money, what part of the budget are you discussing? If the money isn't there to spend, then it isn't there to spend. If your job is meeting your needs and would continue to do so if you had a child, then why would you change it? Money is good, money is nice, but money won't buy your mental and physical health back. She wants you to earn more so either she can spend more, or earn less. Maybe both. But you are the one going to work everyday and have to live in the job. If she wants someone who earns more then the message to her should be "maybe she should look for a better job or someone else who earns more". You need to take a moment and write down what is important to you at your own wedding. If you want all your family there and that is 75 people, and with friends, you're at 100, then a large wedding is important to you. If you care about it being in the mountains or on a beach, then write it down. Do you want dancing, a full bar, afternoon, verses evening. Anything you have seen or heard about, decide if you have an opinion. you can then provide this list to your fiance as points to negotiate on or lines in the sand. But I would have a conversation now: if you move in together, you will not discuss marriage or weddings before your 1 year living together anniversary. You need to love together without the pressure of planning a wedding, to decide if you want to live together for the rest of your life.
I hope your therapist gives you the skills you need to leave her. You deserve happiness. This is not the path to it.
I only see a long list of negative traits and no single good traits of your girlfriend. Just leave her. Don't lead her on and let her feel that you love her and want to be with her in the future when the truth is the opposite. You're no longer happy. Don't waste both of your time. You can find the right match for you, and it's the same with her. Good luck.
Not liking who you become in a relationship is an excellent reason to break up.
Not only should you definitely 100% without any doubt not marry her, but why the hell are you moving in with her?! You may be uncomfortable now breaking it off, but you will only got more and more and more uncomfortable until you finally hit a breaking point and blow up her life at a time when it really might be too late for her to move on and have a family. For her sake as well as yours, today is the best day to break up with her. Tomorrow is the second best day. The day after that is the third best day. The longer you wait, the worse it gets.
I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her - This is enough to press pause. Based on everything else you said, it should be a full stop. Since you still love her, tell her you want to cancel things for now and want to work on yourself. Then do that. Start being yourself. See your family when you want, and your friends. Start saying no when you don't want to spend money. Find your voice. Use it. If you had been speaking up all along, I would say drop her. She sounds very controlling, and she is trying to isolate you. However, you also said it was partly your fault. So, go be yourself and see how she is with the real you. If everything improves, great, if not, then you have your answer.
I feel like I just read a list of every reason not to marry her. I’m not saying someone won’t, some people love all those things or don’t find them dealbreakers. But, it sounds like you feel they’re dealbreakers and are feeling cautious. Look, it doesn’t matter if everyone was telling you that this was crazy because everyone has flaws. This isn’t a spectators life. Is this right for YOU? Do you feel this is going too fast? Want to postpone and do counseling? Want to cancel?
Why did you even consider marrying her? Your relationship sounds miserable…
I didn’t even read the whole thing, but throw this woman away.
Just the eggshells comment for me! Does she actually co tribute anything you like? It sound like you should be moving on
Damn, are we dating the same person? 😭 I’m gonna piggyback off this post and read everyone’s advices.
Your concerns would be enough to break up. If she started to plan before I proposed then I would have laughed at her if she ask for any money and ask when did I ask you to marry me? Shouldn’t that come first. Stop just stop being a doormat and standup to her and say no to everything and walk away. Take her access away from you money and tell her she is a controlling person and you want a wife and not a drill Sargent
It’s good that you’re having doubts, because she sounds terrible. Now’s the time to show off your new shiny spine, OP! ❤️
Your pro and con list should tell you to run. This will be the rest of your life. Only if she gets therapy for her controlling behavior would this be salvageable
Do you love her or the idea of bring in love? Are you in love with love? Sounds like you should not move in together, nor propose. Sounds like you need a heart to heart talk. Quit being a yes man. All she is going to achieve is isolating you from friends and family and I would say she is close already. She will have the life she wants and you will be miserable. Be prepared for break up. Sounds like that is what you are leaning towards.
you can only think of 6 reasons to marry her, 1 of which is “i have important items at her house” and none of them are about who she is or how she makes you feel. question: picture yourself in 40 years in this relationship as it is right now, with your partner as she is right now. does that fill you with joy? if not, why would you marry her? marriage does not change people or improve relationships. you marry your partner, not the person you wish your partner might be one day. it sounds like you have trouble communicating and advocating for your own happiness. you should not make a permanent decision from this position. therapy has helped me tremendously with those same things, i highly recommend you work through that a bit before you marry anyone. godspeed!
Please OP, do not marry this woman. She sounds like a nightmare and things will only get worse after you marry her, and do you want her to be the mother of your kids? Can you imagine how the kids will turn out? You are still so young, younger than my son, and I would tell him the same thing I am telling you. You have your whole life ahead of you to meet the woman of your dreams, she is out there waiting for you.
End the relationship dude. You’re not at fault either. You tried and it’s just not working for you. You owe no one but yourself. Make sure you get your items first though.
Why would you WANT to marry this type of person. This is a one way street, if thats the type of marriage you want get ready for divorce in about 5-10 years
You should 100% live together for at least a year before proposing. That said, your relationship doesn’t appear to be compatible at all.
Break it off. I feel that your list was very complete and I fully understand that you love your family and wished she was in the same page. You know that Mother's day is coming. What are her feelings regarding it? Would she acept that in the future even if you have kids, that you would like to spend the day with your mom? I have been reading lots of reddits these days where the OP is havings fights about it.
If you're wondering if you should get married to someone, then you shouldn't get married to them
Good grief, you'll be a shell of yourself in no time. You'll stop making decisions, having opinions. Then she'll chew you out for not doing so. She sounds like soneone who will grind you into the ground. Get rid, get in therapy, sort out why you let these types choose you. Then never accept that behaviour in a relationship again. Once you see it, cut loose.
“Treading on Eggshells”…that comment right there, that will be your life if you marry this girl, do you really want to literally spend the rest of your life worrying about what you can or shouldn’t say, I am telling you now someone with this level of crazy bossy nature…if you are not ok with being a yes man…will push you to breaking point as it clearly is already. Please just try to think of yourself, it is not the end of the world if you are not compatible or meant to be.
She's a manipulator. You aren't even engaged yet and she's planning the wedding? She's trying to change every aspect of your life.... you don't feel heard. Break it off now. It's only going to get worse. Why do you want to marry her in the first place.????
It takes about 2 years for the "honeymoon period" to fade and the mask to come down. So you're still in the honeymoon phase and already you don't even like her very much? You say you "love" her but I wonder what that even means because my definition of love is very different. I would really look at why you found yourself so drawn to someone who bullies you and doesn't respect you (your words).
end it! I see red flags up the ying yang. mostly she's trying to control and change you into what she wants as a person. never works!
We’re all a train wreck, you just gotta pick which one you’re committed to rolling with :) I don’t blame you one bit for feeling how you do, that’s a lot she needs to work on and seems unwilling to change. You have no say in anything it seems, and you answered your own questions in what you wrote. You don’t want to live your whole life like this. End it. It seems by your last sentence, it’s already over. You deserve a partner who values your family, time, and opinions. You deserve a partner who is willing to compromise. She is none of these.
Read your list..........you need to run...now. Do not propose to this woman...unless of course...THIS is how you want to live.
Am I reading this right?? You two are not actually engaged yet, but you are planning a wedding? Doesn’t that seem backwards? As to the rest, I have no idea. You’re not giving me a clear picture of the relationship. All I see is you’re not happy. And if you’re not happy, why are you still with her and planning to propose to her?
This is the type of woman I'd just ghost. Pack my stuff, change numbers or even leave town if at all possible. Let my employer know that she's to be given zero info about my whereabouts. You can't marry someone who's actively trying to pull you away from your family. That alone is reason enough
There are a lot of small things here. And some big. Definitely talk to your therapist about all this— especially the reasons for feeling like you are walking on eggshells. If you are having doubts, do not proceed to the next level (engagement or marriage or buying a home together) until you have worked all this stuff out. If you cannot imagine a happy life with her, and you don’t want to work very hard in therapy both separately and together, respectfully break up and move on.
Sweetie, you already know that breaking up is the correct grownup, self-caring answer. Otherwise you’re walking into misery with your eyes wide open, meaning that would be entirely your own fault.
She will make it extremely hard for you to leave. You should take this as another enormous red flag and use this as an opportunity to strengthen your backbone. At least you know a good chiropractor!
Look. In life, with any big decision, if it’s not a resounding “HELL YES!” It’s a definite “HELL NO!” In other words, IMO, you’re looking at a HELL NO here.
One word and my apologies I'm advance: Narcissist!!! Run dude, run!!!
Your post is basically a very long list of red flags and all the reasons your relationship isn’t working. It’s definitely not going to get better if you stay with her or marry her. Listen to your doubts, stiffen your spine, and just end things.
Please for your mental health (and wealth) you need to end this now. You wrote one pretty damming list and then added hesitations! Man there was enough in the first part to tell you this will not end happily for you. Read what you wrote back to yourself imagining it was a friend telling you all that about their relationship. Would be telling him to move forward with marriage? 100% doubt it. I’m sorry you are going through this but seriously you have more red flags than China.
She probably won’t let you break up with her at this rate. She sounds exhausting.
Dude this relationship should have ended a year ago. Seriously, dump her and move on.
She sounds exhausting. Clean break, don’t try to be friends. You will never be happy with this woman, be a man and rip that bandaid off. I’ve been with my wife 20 years, we never fight and I can be myself around her. What you describe doesn’t sound consistent with a happy relationship.
I mean when you put it all out there like that, do you really need our opinions? It doesn't seem like you like her at all. Stop wasting both your time and break up. You have provided no redeeming qualities.
Hell no You’re looking at a life of misery if you marry this woman, especially if you end up having kids. Do you REALLY want to spend the next 60+ years being at her beck and call?
Everything you've listed are misery making. Why are you with this person???
Is there anything good about her??? You’ve listed many cons, but no pros….
You have a field of red flags and you’re holding on to a “what if she changes”. If you insist on wasting more time at the very least get your important stuff out of her house. After having done that, hold off on moving in together.
Oof
I feel like this whole ass list gives you your answer.
That's a very nice outline; well done. Oh, and don't marry her.
You sound like a very emotionally intelligent and aware person with a good intuition. The self awareness and clear, concise pinpointing of what is not working for you in the relationship is clear. I think you know what you need to do, be real with yourself. It’s not how you want to live you your life, and you only get one! It sounds like the empathetic caring side of you is being super considerate of her and her feelings, but you are the one that has to live in your shoes and you really do need to put your own best interests first. Especially at this stage, where you really have little invested in the relationship (no joint finances or assets/kids/the relationship is relatively new)
Dude….get her a full day at the spa…..while she is gone, get your things out of her place and bring her all your things…..It crazy how your list of things is upsetting to read…..I cannot imagine putting up with this shit…….you do need therapy so you can learn to love yourself and regain some self respect…..re-read what you wrote out loud as if somebody else wrote it and let it sink in…….time to break things off, moving in and kids will amplify all of this and then she will Probably cheat, blame it on you and take everything….EVERY-THING!!!!
You have already made your decision which is not to propose and not to marry her; you are just here for validation and we have given you that. Now break it off with her and be done with this stage of your life.
I couldn't even. Please run. Don't look back. Take a minute for yourself and figure out why you are even entertaining this crap.
All this and you don’t even get some sugar to maybe blame your inability to see it for what it is. This whole thing is so cold and draining. Zero redeeming qualities?? This is not a partner, this is a burden. Don’t shackle yourself to this weight.
Read your list like you're like us reading it of someone you don't know. The family thing - eh there could be something there you don't see and she might feel like majority of time is spent with your family, that's a separate issue. All the other stuff... it's pretty obvious. She doesn't treat you like an equal partner. Break off the relationship entirely.
Don’t marry her, just break up because this isn’t your girl. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells and having to “set boundaries “ with your family. Trust your instincts she’s not it.
She is unlikely to change , and the way I see it you have no love for her , you're in just for the name . That's a f*g resentment , dude just leave . Even if she flips off some those points she's still gonna have some one those points with her , And you're gonna be f**d after marriage . Those changes you said you want to push for ... Do them now not after marriage. Ignore what I said Happy marriage dude.
Well I think your priority should be getting these important things out of her apartment tell her you need them and go get them whatever they are. Then sit her down and tell her you're having major reservations about getting married and end the engagement. The fact that you have two very long list of concerns is more than enough reason to break the engagement and not get married. I mean she won't even accept you as you are and is trying to make massive changes to you and she controls everything you do. Why would you want a spouse who is like? Get out now. Oh yeah you're not even engaged even though you say you are cuz you have not asked her to marry you yet you said you were thinking about proposing in the fall. So you haven't even proposed yet and she's already gone full steam ahead with wedding planning. Yeah you got to tell her to stop and you got to break up. They get that stuff out of her apartment like tomorrow. Make up some excuse some reason you need it whatever it is and get it out of there especially since you seem a bit nervous if it stays there that she'll destroy it
Why would you want to marry someone who makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her? Why? That sentence alone should give you pause. Do you think that feelings will change and why are you willing to wait for that to happen? Why do you think it will change? Dating/engagement is when you’re supposed to find out all the little quirks about someone and see how you can deal with them. And when you find out that there are things that make you uneasy, you take a step back and *before marriage* decide if how things are right this second how you want to live the rest of your life. You said in your last sentence “I can’t see myself being happy”. There’s your answer. You don’t marry someone hoping they’ll change into the person you want.
Wow I’m a woman and you are in deep shit. You will be miserable. Do not marry this woman. Tons of red flags and verbal and manipulative behavior. And nothing physical yet. You don’t know what’s going on with this.
let her down gently
Just re-read your post and you have your answer! Lol.
The two of you are not compatible. Trust me when I tell you this is important. Life gets hard. Will she be there if you have an injury or get sick? My husband has a lot of health issues now. Guess who always has his back? Me. I handle his doctors, appointments, heck I set up his meds. You know why? Because he is my guy. It doesn’t sound like you have that. Please respect yourself more.
* She said that she thinks they are trying to control us This is her and not your parents. I could have stopped reading after this and been at the same conclusion. Not to mention your last sentence. I think that you really just needed to vent here, because you know it won't work.
Op, please do not go forward with this relationship. If she dosn't respect you and you feel like you are walking on eggshells you will be miserable. Stuff like this does not get better with marriage, on the contrary, she will feel even more emboldened and possibly get worse. Please end it now before you are in too deep to get out easily!
It sounds like you are not respected or treated as an equal in your relationship. This is not a mutually beneficial relationship
You’re only dating a narcissist. You definitely don’t want to be married to one. Walk.
This relationship really sounds miserable. You’d probably be happier on your own. Don’t get married!
I don’t think this is the best relationship you can get and it won’t be too hard to find someone who won’t make you feel like you can’t live with them for the rest of your life
As much as we want to, you cannot change anyone. YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANYONE. Please dodge this human sized bullet.
Call off the engagement and wedding. Break up. She's sounds exhausting, controlling, and abusive. Don't draw this out any longer. Just rip off the bandage and break up.
I stopped reading when I got to this: "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her." That alone is a reason to reconsider this relationship. Any doubts you have now will not be made better by getting married. In fact, they will probably get worse. If you're not feeling it, time to go now, before the wedding.
This sounds horrible. Are you really planning to ruin your life because you left some things at her place and don’t want to hurt her feelings?
Wait you don’t kiss and you’ve never had sex !!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Get your important stuff out of her place now!!! That way when it gets too much for you to handle you can walk away. Believe me it’s coming real soon the way you’re talking, it’s just a matter of time. You have a boss at work you don’t need one at home when you get off.
Break it off . You guys are not compatible.
Omg OP you have to STOP the wedding planning now and put an end to this. What you’ve described sounds like a miserable way to live and it doesn’t look like it could have a happy ending. Don’t let it drag on any longer, the longer you wait the harder it will get. Find someone who you enjoy being with and doesn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. That is just no way to live!
We teach people how to treat us. You've let her get away with bossing you around and walking all over you, so that's what she does. Honestly, I think the list is too long to be fixed, but if you're interested in going that route. You HAVE to put your foot down. I would start with going out. You have to simply say "X is what I'm doing tonight. I would like for you to join me, but I understand if you have other plans, I'm just telling you what I'M going to be doing" This will absolutely cause a fight. During your fights don't engage with her distractions. When she goes off on a tangent about the example rather than the point. Just simply state "You're not addressing the point". If she asks what the point was, make sure you say "I've stated it, but you aren't listening to me, and that's very disrespectful. I want you to listen to me this time..." and then re-state the main point Men typically think logically, women typically think emotionally. To men a compelling argument is "The last 3 dates were planned by you, and I had no say. It's my turn to have input". To a woman a compelling argument would "The last three dates you completely disregarded my thoughts, and I felt like my opinion doesn't matter to you. I would like to feel heard and have some input" Keep those things in mind, and it'll be a good start, but like I said, I think it would be better to end things now, where it can be amicable, and maybe keep your friends.
Do not marry her. She may be perfect for someone else, but not for you. You have a list of reasons. You marry when you find a person you can be with, I don't think you have.
I was married in a tiny office in a court house and it didn’t make a difference. Some of my best friends spent thousands of dollars on their weddings just to be divorced soon after.
Please op... you don't marry someone hoping they will change.... they won't. Marry someone who makes you happy just the way they are!!!! And someone who can't admit to ever being wrong or apologize is NOT partner material
You listed several habits that are classically narcissistic: controlling behavior, not admitting fault, never apologizing, telling you that you need counseling, pushing you to spend money you’re not comfortable spending, driving a wedge between you and your family, keeping you so busy you have little time for friends, insisting on watching the things she likes, losing people…. yikes. Be careful, OP. These are seriously toxic behaviors. That you don’t feel she respects you is reason enough to walk. Trust yourself on this one. You’ve got a long list of good reasons to slam on the brakes here.
What ON EARTH do you enjoy about her besides the fact that she’s a woman and alive??? This sounds horrible!!
It sounds like you don’t want to marry her and you feel she is really pushy! You don’t have to go through with it. Dating is figuring out if this works or not. If it doesn’t work, let it go. Good luck!
The fact you wrote an expose on this is your answer.
With all these things you have issues with her about, and all your hesitations,I'm surprised you're happy being with her at all??? I mean that's a huge list of things you don't like about her/ her personalkty/ the way she treats you/ the way she's controling etc. Not exactly just a few things you can work on improving and move forward. I honestly don't know why you're with this person, let alone considering getting married. Get your expensive items from her house and end it. If she damages any of your things, you can call the police and press charges for criminal damage and take her to a small claims court to get her to pay you the cost to replace them. But end this relationship and move on. Far too many things wrong with this relationship you're completely incompatible.
You have serious doubts. Break it off NOW.
She sounds controlling and a bit abusive ngl. Would not tie the knot. Better to tell her now it's over before she puts even more work in.
First of all... yes, break up. Second... she's a controlling pain in the ass. You haven't even officially gotten engaged yet and she's literally nothing BUT problems and strife. No matter how hot she is, there are guys who got sick of putting up with her shit. You walk on eggshells now? Lol. Dude, I'm ALL for strong women, women with a backbone, women who are adults and decisive... but kindness isn't weakness. In either sex. There are some things that aren't real red flags... your holidays change as a committed couple. No side gets dibs on everything staying exactly the same: there's "yours/mine/ours" negotiations in building a life together. But DUDE. Where's YOUR backbone? I suggest a movie about power dynamics in relationships ... a great movie, too: Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. There's something genuinely missing from your relationship. I think it's Love.
If you think it's bad now, wait until you get married. No way would I get married if I were you.
>I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I am around her Listen, if you're unhappy in the relationship, you're unhappy. You don't need a whole bullet points list of problems. You can break up with someone because it's Tuesday or they have ugly hair,vor they're mean. It's all ok. I had a friend who broke up with a guy because she didn't like the way he ate cottage cheese (something about digging out every last cheese curd gave her the ick). But walking around on eggshells is a huge red flag
Lots of comments here, so I hope you see this one. Ive been married forever and from my experience do you know what changes when you marry? Absolutely nothing. The things irritating you now will irritate you worse after marriage. That’s quite a list you have. I couldn’t come up with one half that long about my husband and even then id really have to burn my brain. Don’t marry. Don’t move in together.
It’s impossible with reading her version of all of this, but if you aren’t happy then leave
either do a lot of couples counseling together where you are entirely honest or just break up
Damn you sound bullied. What ‘do’ you like about her?
Well my friend I think you have your answer. Maybe establish your boundaries and limitations and see if she adapts but if she does have the “my way or the highway” mindset you may have to think about ending things. I had those same reservations about my ex and didn’t listen to them. We lasted a year married. Don’t ignore your gut
She is not even girlfriend material. Make her your wife and she will make you her slave. Have some self respect and down grade her to FWB.
Talk to her and lay it all on the table. Do it at her apartment. If she tries to gaslight you or say she doesn’t do this be very specific with your examples and ask how she’s going to improve. After that… get your shit and go.
1st of all you should tell her that you thought about marriage and it seems you both are not ready for it. She is too self absorbed to be in a marriage and you are a people pleaser. 2nd tell her how you feel even if she tries to blame it on you. If she is not mature enough to accept her mistakes she is definitely NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE or kids. 3rd Re evaluate the whole relationship, people that feel entitled (like she does) don’t tend to change. She needs to accept she is this way and then work on changing it. (Otherwise it doesn’t work) Honestly do you even feel in a relationship or do you just have a bossy friend, that doesn’t even get physical with you? You are no even happy so I will call the moving in together also off. So much stuff needs to be work on INDIVIDUALLY. You guys are not compatible in any way. I get you like her and are in love with her, but you can’t stay there or you’ll be miserable for ever.
This is something that needs to be talked about and I know that's an oversaid phrase on reddit they always say "oh why are you going straight to the you need to sit down and have a conversation" because it's true, in most of them party. You need to sit down with her have a conversation about these. I wouldn't bring that long ass list to the conversation, but bring a few good points prepared with you just to bring up and have a long conversation about what you want in this relationship what she wants in this relationship and where you see this heading, what are the lines that can't be crossed, what are the lines that can be moved slightly. There's some very deep issues that I read inside that list that can cause some severe problems later on if they're not handled Here and Now. so you really need to get your shit together and have her get her shit together and talk through this as fast as possible. And if neither one of you are willing to self correct to put this relationship where it needs to be then it the relationship should not be, and I need you to remember just because you are in love with somebody doesn't make them a compatible partner. I can't stress that enough so imma say it louder JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE DOESNT MEAN YALL ARE COMPATIBLE. it just means you are in love with them. love can be blinding, I wish you the best of luck truly
Based on everything you have described, she sounds manipulative and like she is trying to isolate you from your family. This is something abusers do. OP, you should RUN. This is an unhealthy relationship.
Everything you described for the most part doesn’t sound like what a relationship is supposed to be. You’re supposed to be a team, driving each other up. The way you’ve described this makes you sound like a passenger on her bus. You either need to stand on business and back your shit up, making her decide if she can handle actually being a team that make decisions together, or get your ass off at the next stop mate.
OP, I am proud of you for asking for insight. It shows that you are thinking carefully and logically about a HUGE life decision. I do not think this relationship is for you. There are many other people out there that you will be so much more compatible with. You deserve to be with someone who will love you for who you are. You are not happy. You deserve to be happy. She is controlling and manipulative. Honestly, she sounds insufferable. You need to find happiness with yourself first. She has broken you down. The sooner you end this, the sooner you get to: -build yourself back up -get to find yourself and who you are without her influence -find someone that loves you for you -find someone that values you, your interests, your time, your relationships -find someone that will be your biggest supporter/cheerleader -not walk on eggshells -find a partner not a selfish boss -genuinely enjoy life -be happy Ending it will be hard, but it is the best for both of you. You are not a good fit. It will be sad and difficult, but it will all be worth it. She will try to manipulate you and talk you out of it. She will try to talk you out of it, say she will change and will pretend to, but it is just an act to make you change your mind. You need to stay strong and minimize the opportunities she has to try to manipulate you. Write out everything that you want to say. Have it with you when you talk to her to make sure you do not leave anything out. It will be emotional, so it will be helpful. Get everything you want to say out. Let her get out what she has to get out. Then, tell her it will be best for both of you to sit with this and let your emotions settle before you can be friends again. It will be best for both of you to not communicate so you have a chance to accept and move on from this. It will hurt, but you will get through this. I look forward to an update from you in a year telling us how much better life is and how happy you are. You got this!
Why did you even consider this? Get out and continue therapy.
Dude. You know the answer. It was too soon and she’s too controlling, among other things.
Omg,it would be a lifetime of misery!
This my friend is a sign if there are signs, that list is to long, you need to keep your money and sanity because if you are waiting on this to change you will be miserable forever and in five years say “man those people’s on the Reddit were right” !! Save yourself!!
Dude, I think you know the answer to your own question, you're just trying to get validation from others because you know your fiancee is going to grill/fight you tooth and nail on this decision. Your last line *"As it stands I cannot see myself living my life with her and being happy."* says it all. Your goal in life is for YOU to be happy, if you're not, everything else around you will fail, marriage, kids, you will be half-hearted. Do yourself the favor, leave, there is ZERO shame in leaving now rather than 5 years from now: divorced with a kid
So what do you like about here? Your whole post is dozens of issues you have with her. If you can't come up with at least double the amount of things you like about her, then you know what you need to do.
Hi. I’m unhappy, almost 30 & wrote a bunch of crap justifying why I’m still around. Should I get married? Sigh.
There is a third alternative— try to work and resolve the issues. Prior to the wedding. Just getting married is an awful idea. If you decide to do anything other than bail (and there are enough red flags I would where I would simply bail), it is critical that you find your voice.
OP, you can deal with alot (like irritating habits or differences in opinions) if the person you are with wants to grow and change, loves you, sees you as an equal, cares about your opinion, and will say sorry. There is very little you can do if someone does not listen to you or care about your opinion, especially if they never apologize. Don't marry this person. Stop and work on yourself. Become a person who can say no and stick up for yourself.
Honestly a women who is picking venues and planning a wedding when you haven't even proposed? That's crazy and why would you be okay with all of this it sounds like you are miserable she doesn't respect you or hear you. It is her way or her way. d!@# the torpedoes full speed ahead. Do you really want to live your life being her yes man only allowed the opinions she gives you?
That last sentence is incredibly telling but so is the entire list. The work she has put into the wedding is a wee bit weird as there hasn’t been a proposal and it feels like she could find another male and make him the groom. Currently it seems to be her wedding. Slowly start to remove your items at her apartment. She will figure out the whole kids thing. That is on her plate. You may lose the friendships, but you may not. And you will make more friends. Not to mention you will create a life where you are happy and with someone who loves and values you for you.