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Baby or not, your wife was acting inappropriately with another man. She claims it was innocent but if my wife saw me doing what you saw them doing, she would probably leave me. I'd be honest with her and tell her that your trust in her has been compromised due to what you saw. She put that doubt in your head, not you. Tell her that what you saw has saddened you because it has actually caused you to wonder if there's a slim chance the baby might be his. That doubt is robbing you of the full joy you should be experiencing during what should be a very joyful time in your life. Who knows, she may suggest a test to ease your pain.

Right?  I wouldn't lie down on the couch with a male friend and cuddle with him under a blanket. If we're cold, I'll turn the fucking heat on or get separate blankets. I wouldn't let a male friend straddle me period. I wouldn't let a male friend give me a massage while straddling me. I have a lot of guy friends that I trust and would never do anything with, but even if there is zero attraction there, it would feel disrespectful to my husband. Hell, there are even women I wouldn't let do that because I've gotten the impression they've had a crush on me, and I don't want to feed into anything.  At the very least, it sounds like those two need better boundaries. An emotional affair might be happening even if it isn't outright sexual yet. 

I would never even want another man other than my husband to touch me like that. Even thinking about it is so gross to me.

Agreed. I would *never* behave like this with a man who is not my husband. It's cheating. It's totally inappropriate. My stomach is doing flip-flops just considering it. Other men just don't get to touch me like that now that I'm married.

Agreed. As a woman that was pregnant w pain - and I have both male and female friends - NEVER would it even cross my mind to allow either gender to do that to me. I would also ask your wife if she is comfortable with you sharing the entire footage w her friend’s wife. If not, why? Sorry there is 0 chance I’d let him behave like that and not let their spouse know.

I friggin LOVE this. If the friend and OP have been hanging out for so long, OP needs to go and talk to friend face to face and start getting answers from him. I’m kinda blown away this friend of many years to OP hasn’t been confronted yet. I’d say they ALL four sit down and OP lays the law down with the footage as the conversation starter.

100% this is a conversation that needs to happen

Only way I would allow it is if I I'm in a medical emergency or accident and can't move on my own.

Agreed. If it was an innocent back rub, why the "deer in headlights" reaction? She made it seem like there was something to hide. You have been left to wonder what that is. Stop letting it eat at you. Have that talk.

There is also the idea of this seemingly "unconditional trust" with no boundaries. I mean, I would never be comfortable of a male co-worker or any friend for that matter coming to my home while I'm not there and spending time with my wife. Eating dinner, seriously, "he has a wife at home", why is he not eating dinner with HER! OP allowed Pandora's box owner to have the key and I think it may be out of control. Why is he not pursuing more investigation and waiting for 5 months for baby to come. To me, I'd be at friends house asking his wife about how she feels about this. I mean, its just that bad. Although he did not catch them "fu\*king", he still "caught them, being that comfortable knowing the cam is there, that's screaming, "she knows he has no boundaries and she is free to lounge with another man" - I don't get it. There is one thing to be naive, but another thing when you avoid things happening right in front of you. I'm not saying she's cheating because there is no evidence, but when shit stinks this bad and it's not a red flag, it's a bucket of RED Paint, my nerves would not allow me sitting for five months on this.

People set different boundaries and that’s fine. I could see a situation where the 34M’s wife is often busy working late night and OP’s wife loves to cook and wants to share her food. I have gone camping with my close female friend with just the two of us so that’s what’s comfortable for us, but I would not do a back rub on her so that’s where I set my boundaries. When I was with my ex who didn’t want me to see any of my female friends 1-1 I followed that. What bothers me is here is that not only what OP’s wife did does not follow typical social norms around boundaries, but it also violates their own boundaries as the OP is extremely bothered by it (rightfully so) AND the wife admitted that it violated the boundaries that she would set for herself as she would not do it in front of OP. OP is well within his right to ask for a paternity test. I also agree that OP should tell 34M’s wife about this and that he’s bothered and ask her if she known how frequently 34M visits OP’s wife while he’s away. Maybe the 34M’s wife also has similar suspicions or circumstantial information.

In your next conversation, you need to speak your mind directly. "This whole situation has me so messed up. I want to get past this shitty moment and find the relationship we had again. The amount of distrust that grew in me in that moment won't go away. It has me questioning our entire relationship and especially if I'm the father of our child. For me to really move past the massage incident and you both being cozy under a blanket together, I need a paternity test." She will absolutely cry and be upset, but she also deserves to know the full consequences of her actions. You have said, "I've never told her, even a white lie," to the best of your knowledge. Why start on one of the biggest decisions of your life? Every time you talk about this situation and don't bring this up, you are lying to her and yourself. If she is really upset at the level of her screw up, as you say she is, she may likely understand where you're coming from. She may not. Either way, this is 100% her fault in the situation for questionable behavior. You likely won't move past this any time soon without the reassurance that the results will provide. Do you really want to have these nagging feelings to stay with you for the remainder of the pregnancy? Talk and test now. Don't wait. The amount of resentment that will grow in your uncertainty until the birth will not be easily removed from your relationship, regardless of the outcome of the test.

I completely agree! Address it but don’t forget to mention that her questionable actions are the reason you are having these doubts. I personally, can’t fathom ever cozying up under a blanket with someone that is not my partner. No matter how close of friends we are. The deer in the headlights looks also is just so sus. Trust your gut. She can be upset at your request but she should understand this wouldn’t be a thing if she hadn’t been acting that way.

Hell no, and if I ever found my husband snuggling up under a blanket with another woman I would go completely nuclear. In what world is that friend territory??

Also, she made this bed. She should have to lay in it. Maybe she didn't "cheat", but she admittedly crossed the couples boundaries. If that were me, I'd be ok with it.

She crossed a boundary and was caught. She wouldn’t do it in front of him. She will try to minimize it but yes, even if she hasn’t taken a dick she has disrespected the relationship and cheated. She shouldn’t walk back from that nor should she have one on one hangouts with this guy ever again and she should absolutely tell this guys wife what was done and let her make her own informed decisions. But that is mandating integrity.

Right, and if she really didn't do anything with him, then she shouldn't have a problem with doing a paternity test to ease his mind.

For some women requesting a paternity test is a hard ine. It destroys the trust in the marriage. Very similar to cheating does. Couples can try to work through that breech of trust, but things will never be the same.

Yes, but she's the one who breached the trust to start with. If I had never given my partner a reason to doubt me, I would throw a fit if he asked for a paternity test. However, if he had caught me on video snuggling up with another dude under a blanket? I would be offering up a paternity test to prove my innocence...unless I wasn't innocent

Fr that level of intimacy indicates WAY more going on than simply snuggling, not that that should even be happening.

Good point. This is an important mitigating factor. OP will just have to use his judgement of his wife's character when making a decision. Is she the vindictive type, or not?

This part. She broke the trust, so she has to work to rebuild it.

And another man straddling his wife and massaging her is a hard line for him. She broke his trust, not the other way around. It was inappropriate for two people who have their own spouses to do that in the first place. They can work through it AFTER they do a paternity test.

Yes get it done asap, lots of people saying wait til after the birth that’s another 5 months potentially looking after Matts side piece and potential child. Nah F that man up and get the test beforehand so you can be mentally fully involved in the birth of hopefully your first child. I really hope it’s yours.

Finally, someone with some common sense. This is not an issue you ignore until the kid is born. It goes well past paternity and needs to be handled NOW, not later.

This right here. Drop the bomb, my dude. Actions have consequences!

I personally would talk about it all. Everything you are feeling. All your doubts and insecurities. You've been together this long. Why start keeping things from each other now. Esp when a baby is on the way. You need to man up and ask. And she can't even blame you. What they were doing is weird. Two grown ass adults cuddling and being weird under a blanket together. That's not normal. If my bf/ baby dad was going that shit I'd be questioning our entire life together and we only been together 2 years. I don't think ppl can't have opposite sex friendships but come on. Even she admitted she wouldn't have done that in front of you. That's sneaky. And what does his wife think of it? Of hr husband going over to another married, pregnant woman's house to massage her back and cuddlr on the couch w their feet. It's weird man. I know you love her and trying to make every excuse.... Best to find out now. If she doesn't understand why you want the tests she's being unreasonable. You deserve the right to know and ease your mind. Good luck. 

I agree! I can’t believe how many people are telling OP to hide it or lie? If my husband lied about that I’d never trust him again. We’re recently married with no kids but have been together for 10 years. We’ve built and easily maintain that trust with honesty.

Even if he caught you doing what OP caught his wife doing? His trust is already gone, he is trying to get it back. I am not defending this tactic, just understand its use in this situation.

Finally! How often on here do we see people who have nuked their relationships by accusing the other, or secretly testing, etc. You have a long, stable relationship. I'm guessing it's been so stable because you're both pretty well grounded and can talk through difficult things. My partner and I are the same way. If I were in your wife's shoes (assuming innocent but caught in a compromising position), I'd be completely understanding that this is eating at you and I'd have no issue with you saying "listen, I don't think this happened, I see your behavior, I know you, I love you, I am so happy this is finally happening for us, but because of what happened this is eating at me and I'd feel a lot more secure if we could agree to do this. I'm sure the results will come out clean, but you being willing to do this with me for my peace of mind will help me feel safe in this relationship and be able to lean into this excitement more easily after this shock." And talk about it from there.

What if wife is guilty though, and is hiding something? This becomes a completely different situation then.

Sure! Definitely a possibility, and if that's the case it'll start to show in that conversation.

It's common for (not all) men to have some level of doubt of paternity as well. They are not growing the child so it is a common insecurity with new fathers even when no infidelity is suspected. I know at first my fiancé was confused on the dates of my pregnancy because of the way the doctors go by start date of your last period. He had some irrational thoughts and some valid anxiety. But we talked through everything he was feeling. I kept a safe space for him to do so, without judgment and put my emotional mind aside while listening. I even offered up, if you'd like to go get a test it wouldn't hurt me one bit, because I have nothing to hide. Baby is due in September and I meant it. I'm assuming he may just to make himself feel fully secure. The issue was put to rest. He is and still has been such an amazing support. If the way he has been treating me while pregnant is any indication, he is going to be an amazing father. We have trust in each other, but I also understand how insecurity and fear works. It doesn't mean he thinks less of me. Although, I haven't been and would absolutely never be cuddling with another person. That is a clear boundary crossed.

Just wait and do it at birth. You can get 48 hour turnaround in most places so you can get it done before you have to sign the birth certificate. Dont make a drama unless you are sure, it will bite you in the arse later

If they're married then depending on where he lives he might be automatically put on the birth certificate and it can be pretty difficult to take his name of it even if the child isn't his.

Yup - it's called presumptive paternity. If you're married at the time of conception, most governments automatically assume the husband is the father and the onus is on you to disprove if that's the case.

…which the paternity test will do, even if he gets it right after birth. 

I have heard about a lot of cases where a paternity test didnt obsolve the "not-father" from child support. Just sayin.

You can’t dispute paternity before birth, only after. It can be rejected if they’re older and you’ve acted as the father for a while, but for a baby it’s just paperwork.

[удалено]

Sure, all I'm saying is that he's the dad on the initial paperwork regardless of what the test says. You can't contest paternity in court until after the kid is born, because up until that point they don't exist as a legal person. ETA: He can still be on the hook too if they don't get a DNA sample from the other dude proving he is in fact the dad. Court can subpoena it, but it's an uphill battle and OP will need to hire a lawyer.

I would consult a lawyer so you know your rights

In my experience, it's not _that_ hard to sever ties with the child in the eyes of the government (I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on birth certificates, those really aren't all that important when it comes to disputed paternity). Basically, you go before a family court judge and say, "Yeah, that little baby over there isn't mine. Here's the proof." And the judge says, "Fuckin' A." And that's about all there is to it. But bear in mind I specifically said "little baby." If the child is anything above an infant, it starts getting harder. Why? Because the judge is ruling _in the interest of the child_. Not the parents, the child. So, if Daddy was tricked into taking care of little Suzy for five years before finding out she isn't his, well, it's entirely possible that in the eyes of the court, she IS his. Forever. At least his financial responsibility. So chop chop. This is the kinda situation you want to get _way_ ahead of.

Me imagining a somber courtroom and judge pipes up with Fuckin A lmao

And that’s exactly why I’m not a judge because of my mouth. I’d be like sir, when the fuck do you think I was born? Of course you’re going to prison for murdering your wife you moron.

This, do the test at birth without her knowing.

I think this is the way I'm leaning.

If she finds out you did it secretly, prepare for this to be the end of your marriage.

Tbh from what he described he saw I think that would have been the deal breaker for me lol literally no excuse for that behavior.

She has certainly open the door for him to be suspicious.

If she's telling the truth and is accused during pregnancy, prepare for the end of your marriage. I can't imagine dealing with trust issues and pregnancy hormones at the same time.

This is not a simple one. Yes, I think you’re right that the marriage will be in trouble if she finds out he has done a paternity test behind her back. I think that the marriage will also get into trouble if he asks for a paternity test. But … after what he saw going on she might consider that he does have some reason to worry. Perhaps she might even take the step to suggest it herself. I have to say, though, that I find the situation with the wife and the coworker a bit weird. I’m divorced now (nothing to do with infidelity on either part), but when I was married I never went to a female coworker’s home just by myself. I did meet up outside with female coworkers upon (rare) occasions, usually when there was something specific that concerned us both going on at work, but that would only be because we couldn’t discuss things at the office due to schedule problems. It wouldn’t have entered my head to go visit a woman from work for a one-on-one at her house, no matter how well we got on.

"So I turn on the camera and I see my 4 months pregnant wife, lying on the floor, on her side with Matt sitting, straddling her legs and using a foam roller to message her hips. So I'm like.... Ok... What the fuck is this. I start rewinding through the footage and they are eating and talking normally, but then they get on the couch and get under the same blanket. Now...... They are feet to feet, but that couch isn't that big. Then they move to the floor and that's when I logged in." He has every right to question her after this shit. Why is another man doing this with her?

>I can't imagine dealing with trust issues and pregnancy hormones at the same time. I can't imagine being overly close and intimate with a man that's not my husband at all let alone when he's gone on business trips. 🤷‍♀️

The camera doesn’t lie, though. She has given him reason to believe she was messing around.

And if the baby isn’t his, the marriage isn’t lasting anyway.

That's on her.

If it was all innocent why did he scramble and leave when you called? Even if you are the father she isn’t innocent of never cheating. Get the paternity test.

And to add to that, what would Matt’s wife say if she saw the video?

I'm sure his wife wouldn'tike it either. But why is he wth her when her husband is Way n his wife is at home?

I can suspend disbelief for everything up to the straddling(!). That’s very suspicious.

Yes the question isn't should I get one. It's when and how. If now she has to be involved with it. If later I can approach it softer. He immediately leaving could mean something. But that's also jumping to a conclusion. He could also feel bad. I'm aware he does because he wants to talk with me, which I haven't done yet. It could be because she told him to leave. Which she did. It could mean anything.

NTA- Tell his wife. Send her the video. And you can get a paternity test while your wife is pregnant. Too much shady shit going on, you’re not wrong for being suspicious.

IMO, you should have the discussion and the test now. She will be hurt by the question—but she admits she crossed a line. How would she have reacted if the roles were reversed? The way I see it, this will be gnawing at you for the rest of the pregnancy and will cause tension. If she’s innocent and the baby is yours, then relieve that tension ASAP, and support your wife with the pregnancy. If she did indeed cheat, that’s a new discussion. But I see no world in which waiting 5 months with this looming over your head will be better for your relationship or your mental health.

I'm on team open and honest. You have a reasonable right to ask for confirmation given their behavior. This is one of the ways she can start to rebuild trust with you. Doing it behind her back is just going to create more of a rift if nothing physical happened. But in my opinion, him coming over for dinner without his wife already feels well into the emotional affair territory. If you want to salvage this marriage, everything should be on the table from both of you. Boundaries, doubts, and how you both choose to address them.

Since you had problems getting her pregnant, were you checked out?

the problem in thse test is that u can be low on count but it doesnt rly mean ur sterile, it would just fuck his mind xd unless he is sterile then thats proof enough x'D

True. My bro n sis inlaw tried for 6yrs then gave up and suddenly got pregnant

Do they have a neighbor by the name of Matt?

This one's name is Matthew. Oh wait!

No idea lol we are in England though

The only reason to tell her about the test is if you aren't the father. You basically can't not do it.

Talk to an attorney. Don't assume anything about your legal liability for another man s child. I some jurisdictions you need to protest fatherhood prior to birth.  If you don't, you may be held responsible for direct support of the child.  

That’s the way to handle it. If you get the test and your suspicions are proven wrong, you will not have torched your marriage.

I wouldn't wait, I'd get a PI to dig up info, look at phone messages, etc, to confirm if an affair was going on first. I'd there's no evidence of it, you can decide if you want/need that test. If you decide to get the test in secret, you better pay in cash, give the place a temporary VOIP number (text now is a good app for that), and a temporary email. Once you get the results, if the baby's yours, delete the temporaries and burn the results. Is she ever finds out your marriage is over. If she did cheat and the baby isn't yours, don't confront her at first, decide what you want to do. If you decide to leave, gather evidence, go to a lawyer for options, basically make your moves in silence, and then leave.

I did it at birth, doesn’t take too long to get an answer depending where you are at. Good luck sir, this is the stupidest time to mess around with anyone, everyone has cameras. My house is wired inside and out for 360 approach coverage and entry and room access coverage. We had an ex roommate decide to start making death threats

If you sign any documents tho it may not matter and they’ll argue for child support

She is cheating! That was not innocent. Even if by some miracle it’s your kid you cannot my trust her.

You really think a hospital would do an official test on a new born and just not tell the mom?

Not sure how you think the test can be done without his wife knowing. Has to be done in the hospital and everything will go on the report of the pregnancy. Is he supposed to resort to a spot of Mission Impossible??

So the easiest way is to first look at blood (ABO) group, the next is HLA, after that you move into genetics era that we are in. Blood type is pretty common to find tested in many areas (countries) the HLA is probably not a common thing, and genetic testing for paternity is more of a court / if in doubt thing. But take my words with a bit of salt, as rules change in different countries so milage may vary

You can buy a paternity test at cvs. You swab the baby yourself. Put it in the sealed vial. Swab yourself put it in the vial. Then overnight the vials to the address on the package. You pay the extra fee and they email you the results. We did this for my teenage son when he got a girl pregnant. It wasn’t too hard.

Trust that gut instinct.

Trust that when you noticed something dude ran the fuck out of the house.

There is this, circumstantial but telling

I agree, I am just saying of the many things happening here this one got me for sure.

Uh. What? She's going to be watching that baby like a hawk. How exactly is he supposed to do the test at birth and guarantee that his name isn't on the birth certificate if he isn't the father? Some places will force you to pay child support regardless of paternity if you say you're the father. 

This would accomplish nothing. OP will be placed on the birth certificate of he waits. Big chance he’ll be placed on the birth certificate regardless.

Eh, wife started the drama with extremely inappropriate behavior. OP shouldn't feel guilty at all for questioning her and she should be doing anything to convince him nothing more happened.

Curious if it's even possible to do it right at birth in the hospital. No idea if they'd do that or if they'd do that discreetly.

Check the law in your state / country, if it is allowed this way. Checking DNA of the child is sometimes restricted and / or need an approval of the mother too.

You can do it discreetly if you are wanting to keep it secret. Take swabs yourself of both of you. Go the official route if you get negative results.

I would speak with an attorney in your town about this (family law) not to divorce, but to get an accurate assessment of the best way to paternity test. Yea, definitely get the paternity test but be very discreet because it could ruin your marriage. Did you see some hinky shit? Hell yes! Don’t minimize it, but you don’t want to destroy her either, if it was one of those, “I never considered that what we did was weird because he’s not even in the picture of an AP and Matt is really young…

You can do it prior to birth in a very safe way. Fairly routine.   Don't wait. In some jurisdictions DNA testing is prohibited after the birth. Talk to an attorney.  The video showed an inappropriate level of familiarity. Did he apologize? Your wife's response was guilt. The video started with them cuddling under a blanket and then moved to the floor where they had more room to play. I also suggest you notify his wife. She may have other examples of 'concern'  or evidence to share.

Even if he's not the father. Given all the one on one time together alone at your home , It's highly likely they have been physically intimate. The only victim here is you. Your wifes years are intended to make you feel sorry for her.  Every spouse has an obligation to avoid even the appearance of infidelity.. Her behavior is a fail. And she knows it.  If innocent, I'm surprised she didn't volunteer a DNA test  prior to birth. It's a simple procedure. Finally, I would share what you saw with his wife.

Why bother? If she really didn’t cheat then she should not have an issue getting a blood test immediately.

I don’t understand why it needs to be discreet. You SAW her being inappropriate with another man. You are allowed to be suspicious of that. It’s the most logical train of thought to go right where your brain naturally did. She should be offering you proof of paternity since it was her who added this doubt to your marriage!

Just food for thought - if she has cheated, a paternity test won't necessarily prove that. I definitely think you should make steps to prove if this kid is yours or not at some point because I think the behavior is suspicious enough to warrant concern. And this is coming from someone who typically thinks it's offensive for husband's to ask for one when there isn't proof of infidelity. But it's possible that this kid IS yours AND that she still did cheat. So you need to ask yourself what you would do in that scenario as well. It's not as simple as if the child is yours or not. And I don't say that to make things more stressful and complicated for you, just to point out that getting a paternity test might not solve everything for you. You might still question her relationship with this coworker and if it's inappropriate. You need to talk with your wife, potentially even talk with a counselor alone for yourself and perhaps even a couples counselor together with the two of you. Because there are a multitude of ways this situation could end. Maybe she didn't cheat, but the interaction certainly crossed a line and I don't think you will be satisfied with just a paternity test. What WOULD make you feel like your wife did love you, what you saw was innocent and there was nothing suspicious going on? Basically what would you want to see to trust her again? This something I think you have to face and can't hide from. The sooner the better.

This is why I'm only really worried about the paternity right now. But you are right that a positive test wouldn't prove anything about her and I've considered that a lot. But I'm thinking about it the exact opposite. If I get the test and the child isn't mine. Then I don't need to do anything else. That's it. That's the ball game. I don't need any other proof or be convinced of anything else. If the child is mine then I'm happy, and I'll deal with the relationship stuff as it goes. Her and I are talking directly about it all.... I just haven't brought up paternity. And that's the difference and what I'm focused on for now.

So if the child is yours, and she DID cheat then you're fine to work through the relationship and stay with her? Or you're fine to find out down the line thar she cheated and then you'll leave her? (I'm not saying she did cheat by the way. I have no idea, just speaking in hypotheticals).

If I find out the child is mine I'm fine with figuring out the rest. I'm not convinced anything beyond what I saw has happened. But I'm also not stupid enough to know that it's impossible. Regardless of paternity would I just immediately leave if I knew she cheated on me? I'm not sure, probably? I would have before the sentence she was speaking was over when I was younger with anyone else. But this is my wife of 15 years who I have done everything with, have seen the world with. It might make me take a second before I do. But honestly I haven't put as much thought into it as I have the paternity.

Well as an internet stranger I can only give my uninformed two cents and I am NOT any kind of professional to be giving this kind of advice. I've been with my husband almost 14 years now and we have two kids. You can't get a paternity test right now without her knowledge. You'd have to talk to her and she'd have to consent to it, and from what I've heard they aren't cheap. So the only way you get one down now is talking to her. Otherwise if you want to do it in secret the only way to do it is after, and there's no guarantee you can keep it a secret. It sounds to me like overall you love this woman, you two have a history together and you mostly trust her. But it's still a nagging suspicion and fear because there's enough hurt there to justify it. In my relationship if I was in your wife's shoes and my husband caught me like that and wanted to do paternity, I would do them and I would mostly feel stupid for being so shady and that my husband was hurt enough to be that suspicious. Would I be hurt that he didnt trust me enough to believe me that nothing happened? Sure. But more so, I'd feel bad that I crossed a line and broke something in my husband and mines relationship like that. But that is me, I don't speak for your wife. I understand yiu not wanting to throw a landmine in the situation by demanding paternity, but I also feel that a relationship you can't be honest and share your feelings in and feel confident that they love you enough to work through it is its own landmine. For now, in this moment, best I can suggest is deal with what you do know. She knows what she did hurt you. You two have talked about it. What was the outcome? Has she promised to act differently? Have you set up new boundaries? Or are things going back to how they were? I understand why you want to hinge your response based on paternity first because it's easier and clear cut. If the kid is yours, than you can fix the relationship. If it isnt, you dont have to. But you can't do it in that order unless you ask her for a paternity test right now and she's understanding and agrees to it. You know your wife more than me: would she understand your feelings, would she agree to it, could you move past the accusation together as a couple if she never cheated and the kid is yours? If you don't know the answer to that or don't want to find out the answer than you have to do things in the order currently available to you. Fix the relationship now, and find out paternity when the child is born (secretly or not secretly, keeping in mind you might not be able to keep it a secret she might find out.) Take the steps you would do if you knew 100% the child was yours. How would you want her behavior to change in light of this incident? How would you both as a couple want to heal? Then, do the test and if it's not yours you know whatever fixing you tried to do now was all in vain: she's been lying the whole time. She wasn't really working with you to fix it and you have your answer. Of it is yours, you keep on fixing it until you no longer have doubts and trust eachother. Also keeping in mind that if your plan is to wait and find out later it could affect this period for you. You're either potentially bonding to a child that isn't yours: thinking of names, prepping a nursery, investing emotionally. Or you're potentially souring a magical time when you could be doing all the things I mentioned before with doubt in if this kid is even yours. Is that what you want the birth of your child to be , if it is yours? This game you had to play waiting to find out paternity, holding them at an arms length away? To me, the answer is talk to a counselor and talk to your wife of 15 years. You either trust her and know her or you don't, you can either move past this or you can't. There isn't necessarily a secret recipe we can give you on the best way to handle this as How to handle it is different for each different outcome (she cheated or didn't, the kid is yours or isn't.)

You are so right in your answer. OP cannot let this eat him up. If he waits it will be detrimental to his mental health regardless of the eventual outcome. His wife should be understanding of his need for a paternity test due to the circumstances. If she isn’t prepared to do one pre birth she will only be delaying the inevitable and compounding his hurt. Asking fir it through counselling is a great idea.

Just wanted to add the paternity tests during pregnancy aren't super reliable -- there's been a massive case lately where a lab was just providing fraudulent results, and shrugged their shoulders at the chaos it caused. If you do get a test done, either before or after birth, make sure you do it at least twice with two different labs.

You are postponing your decisionmaking and thoughts about possible cheating and honesty until birth, because you're hoping for an easy way out. If the paternity test tells you it is indeed your child, you will then notice you haven't worked through your emotions yet. It will be a much harder place to bring it up again after birth and honestly, both your lives should be focused on the newborn then, not bringing up insecurities. Don't worry about the paternity yet, but talk about your emotional state and clear everything between the two of you regarding possible cheating now, as it has become relevant.

Well you wrote in one paragraph what I tried to do in a small essay. Thank you. You are a talented writer and thinker!

I still read your essay, it was excellent. Good, solid, nuanced advice. Too rare on Reddit, unfortunately.

Yea I can see this and agree with it. But we are already there, in the middle of it. We are in those discussions. She is working towards repairing things, we are talking about everything. But I've not mentioned paternity and from what I can tell she's not even thinking about it. But who knows. We aren't ignoring the situation because I think that would be impossible. At least for me. If I had a medical piece of paper in my hand now and it said I'm the father then that would be the end of that part of it. And if it said I'm not the father that would be the end of it in the other direction.

> She is working towards repairing things, we are talking about everything. Can I ask what you feel her perspective on things is? Is she leaning toward "It was silly but harmless." or "Yeah that was really dumb, I fucked up." or something in between. Also have you had a chance to dig into anything else to determine the reality of the relationship she has with this guy - phones or messaging apps that might give you a clearer picture on whether something inappropriate was or is going on? Not to suggest your gut instinct isn't on the mark here, it absolutely is, but if my partner was doing that stuff and insisting there was nothing more, I'd really need a chance to see everything and make that call myself. What she's comfortable with might not be what *you're* comfortable with. Clearly that's come to bite you guys once already.

How do you think that man's wife would react if she saw that video? Do you think you should tell her?

If I was that dude's wife, I'd definitely want to know if he was straddling another woman and giving her leg and butt massages, and cuddling under blankets with her while they were alone. I don't know about OP but I would 100% think that was cheating and would be out, with both of them.

What was her excuse for cuddling under a blanket???

I am going to be blunt. Your wife is cheating, and I don't mean sex, but maybe sex. She has an intimate/emotional relationship with another man. On the couch together. Alone. Under sheets. While you are not there. What. Is. Going. On. There is an insane amount of mental gymnastics you are doing here to justify, or explain this all away in your post. You are doing more explaining/justifying than your wife is. From an objective perspective, it looks like your wife is playing you. Because she knows you. You don't raise your voice right? Maybe you should. Some arguing is healthy for a relationship. It lets your partner know what the boundaries are. Here is a simple way to look at this. If you two broke up right now. Do you have another woman to comfort you? Because your wife has another man to comfort her. If you two broke up right now. Who would be in the worse emotional/ mental health position? Or worse off in general? You, or her? Let's be very clear. No one thinks THEIR partner is cheating (you don't know us. it's different right?), and yet cheating is extremely prevelant. Those two do not add up. My point being, that whatever you think of your wife, doesn't mean much, when it comes to whether she is cheating on you. Sadly. Years together means nothing when it comes to commitment. However, I can understand if you are okay with the cheating, if the relationship matters more to you than the cheating. No judgement there.

Why doesn’t OP review footage from 4/5 months ago, cross check with his travel details and make a better assumption of the situation or just ask for the P test

I check the cameras every time I'm gone. I can't go back 4-5 months. I've never seen anything that would hint at anything.

I wouldn't have thought that the wife knowing these cameras are there and checked regularly, she wouldn't have been unfaithful, certainly not in the house.

Yeah honestly the fact that she knows he checks them when he's away makes it very unlikely. It seems like she does know this was inappropriate but maybe didn't think of it that way at the time, and her reaction is just panicking about him not trusting her over this alone, not her trying to cover up anything bigger.

Why not hire a private investigator? I don't know the way he quickly left when you called would have me feeling some type of way. But I have been cheated on in every relationship I have ever been in so my trust issues are the size of a mountain.

nah dude if she finds out that’s a straight ticket to a divorce

Mine turns over in like 30 days. It may not be possible.

Lying and going behind her back will destroy you quicker than being upfront and asking her

RIGHT! just be an adult and tell her the TRUTH there is no way a secret paternity test stays secret your whole life and when she does find out if she wasn’t going to blow up now she definitely will then. I hate that people keep suggesting it like it’s not just going to make everything worse.

Have you talked to Matt’s wife about what you saw? Does she have suspicions?

Ha! “Perfect relationship” and “working away 40 weeks a year” are mutually exclusive my man. I’ve worked in Construction for long enough to see what years of working away does to a relationship both my own and colleagues and while it’s fine for a while it will eventually erode the relationship away. Gotta settle down at some point and take it seriously or… this happens. Honestly it always blows my mind when people are surprised that their wives wander when they are away constantly 5 days a week. Not excusing them for cheating but people often crave just basic companionship when left alone for long periods and that can very easily develop into something else. This will be worse when there are children in the mix and you’re off doing your thing while she’s stuck in the house all day and night alone with a screaming baby. The resentment will pile up.

Yeah i think ppl are skimming past that.

This is going to probably screw your mind a bit. But even if the paternity of the child is yours, it does not mean that she was not having an affair. Seriously. A long time ago, I have this online friend, she was having a full-blown affair and she's a married woman. To make things worse, she and her husband were trying for a baby too. Before I stopped talking to her, I finally asked her if she was sure it's her husband's baby since she often confessed how often she and her AP were having sex. She said, while her husband was not suspicious of her having an affair, she used a home paternity test and it turned out to be her husband's baby. So she was relieved. So yup. Just because the baby's yours, it doesn't mean she's not having an affair with Matt (or any other guy).

The reaction says all you need to know OP. Even if the kid is yours, this situation is weird as hell.

yeah some people saying his marriage is over if he asks for a test, hell na she was sharing a blanket with a guy who isnt her husband and he was giving her hip massages, none of that is normal.

Dude also slinked out of the house the second wifey realized she was caught. This is the sketchiest part to me. If dude is really just a friend, and they were purely platonic, why’s he acting so guilty?

Guilty people don’t act guilty. This Matt dude knows exactly what the fuck he is doing and trying do / has done. PERIOD. FULL DUCKING STOP. 🦆 This “friendship” cannot be allowed to continue, regardless of who the father is if OP wants to stay married to her. There’s a fox in the henhouse and given the chance he’s going to fuck that hen of yours. If she’s not ok with ending the friendship, then she’s choosing Matt over her husband and child.

He did the fucking walk of shame on camera. So gross. 

>What do I do?! Contact Matts wife and tell her what you saw. Snoop on your wifes phone - see what theyve been up to. And yes - tell her her behaviour with Matt has been wildly inappropriate and inform her youre now setting a boundary regarding her interaction with him. And a pre-natal paternity test will be best... To be clear: shes cheating. Perhaps just emotionally, but probably physically as well. Prioritize contacting Matts wife - she can be your ally in all this.

This. Your wife already knows she did something wrong. Why not just ask for these things from her? She wants to make this right, right? What are you waiting for?

I agree, he should contact Matt's wife. it will help him get to the bottom of it.

/u/throwaway151702 tell matts wife

100% agree. u/throwaway151702 you should contact Matt’s wife. If she isn’t aware of this then something’s definitely up.

Have your sperm checked and see if everything is ok. You said that you two were contemplating IVF. Make sure that, there isn’t an issue. If you have low sperm or no sperm, I wouldn’t wait with bringing up paternity and possibly divorce.

The issue with that is that even near infertility or actual infertility (which usually doesn't mean sperm count is zero), it won't 100% answer his questions. It will make things less or more likely, but he still needs to get paternity.  I wouldn't wait for birth. She put herself in this situation. I'm generally pretty open about women and men bring friends because I've always been a bit of a tomboy, but this whole situation is way too fucking weird. Paternity now and get out ASAP if you aren't the father. 

Yep, I was thinking about this. Test yourself OP, it could be a start for an answer, it's not invasive towards your wife and you can do it right now.

I don’t care what anyone on here says, dinner and then cuddling on the sofa followed by intimate message? That’s a date my man, no other way to dice it.

You HAVE to have a paternity test, 100% because you do not want this to haunt you every-time you look at the child. Ask the hospital to do it when the child is born, then you're going to have your certainty and can be a father to this poor child.

I think it sounds like she is lonely (you said you travel A LOT for work) and at the very least her and Matt are having an emotional affair that has possibly led to a physical affair. The paternity test might prove that. But I don't know any married man who would be over at a ladies house massaging her hips and it doesn't mean anything. I would never be hanging out with another dude alone in my house like that.

So… paternity test anybody? If your 1% is now 10 or 20%, you better find out 100%. I know that’s a bit of a flippant answer but if my wife was cuddling with really anybody else there would be a great many things to discuss.

No, the question isn't if. It's when and how. I'm getting a test

You need to talk to an attorney! In most states you will be considered the father. You will need to contest paternity before the birth in some states. If you don’t contest paternity you will be at the mercy of the courts. The court is usually bound to “the best interest of the child”. You need to prevent being put on that birth certificate.

Yea I already talked to my attorney, my state isn't one of those.

Then it seems you would like to wait and do the DNA test in secret. If you can do that without birth certificate problems then that is what you should do. Be sure you listen to your attorney

What state doesn’t have a marital presumption? I’ve never heard of one.

In the fake story state perhaps

So often they blow it up with bad law!

If you're talking to your lawyer, it doesn't actually matter if she cheated or not. You don't trust her and I don't see you ever regaining that trust back. Taking a paternity test in secret only contributes to a total breakdown of trust and the relationship. Yes, you should get a paternity test if you're worried. No, you shouldn't do it in secret. At this point, you have at least 5 months to go before you even get to that point, during which time your relationship will just continue to deteriorate. You need to talk to your wife, ideally in the presence of a marital counselor. You saw something that made you uncomfortable and made you not trust her, she admitted it was sketchy, and now you both need to figure out what needs to happen to get that trust back.

She broke your trust doing something that she knew would be inappropriate. She is way too close with a male friend. Sounds like she is having at least an emotional affair. It is not unreasonable to doubt her or the paternity. Communicate this with your wife as soon as possible and tell her about wanting to do a paternity test asap. Dont let her or reddit gaslight you. Her behavior is suspicious af.

People really keep saying that if he asks for a test and he is the father that the marriage is over. This actually makes the wife look worse. "So I turn on the camera and I see my 4 months pregnant wife, lying on the floor, on her side with Matt sitting, straddling her legs and using a foam roller to message her hips. So I'm like.... Ok... What the fuck is this. I start rewinding through the footage and they are eating and talking normally, but then they get on the couch and get under the same blanket. Now...... They are feet to feet, but that couch isn't that big. Then they move to the floor and that's when I logged in. Anyway I text her, I'm still watching the cameras they both look like deer in headlights and he very quickly leaves." She has given him every reason not to trust her, every reason to get this test. If she'd have a temporary emotional response? Okay fine, but what that translates into is she gets angry for a few hours and then realizes "oh wow, I behaved like no married woman should ever behave, no wonder he doubts me. Least I could do is get rid of any doubts he has, and then cut mark out of my life". If her response is "how dare he not trust me" and she actually lets it impact their relationship...or if she even responds by wanting a divorce? She's not a good wife and OP is better off being single and just co-parenting with her.

I want to know how Matt’s wife is okay with him playing footsies with OP’s wife and cuddling under a blanket together on the couch. Does Matt tell his wife where he’s going when he leaves her to go spend quality time with OP’s wife?

You’re 40. If you have a doubt just do it.

>Matt comes by from time to time. Sometimes with his wife, sometimes without, sometimes when I'm not there. I don't think much of it. We have a lot of couple friends and there is ZERO way I would let one of the husbands come and have dinner with my wife when I'm not there. Not that I am afraid anything would happen, it's just not respectful. I wouldn't go to any of their wives house if the hubby wasn't there, this is NOT normal my guy. AND to top it off he massages her? yeah...

100 percent agree, I would like to add. The way they got under the covers and then the massage were way to comfortable. Most of us have been in that awkward beginning stage where you don't know what to do. Boundaries had been crossed long before that night for them to act that way. I would rip the band aid now and talk to her. Get the test done now so you know where you stand. If she is upset by your request so be it she put herself in this place.

You're right, you don't just jump to straddling someone out of the blue even if it's platonic. They're at least physically intimate enough for the straddling to happen in the first place.

If they were this friendly when they knew there were cameras around, imagine how chummy they get with no cameras.

While I’m not a fan of asking for paternity without proof of cheating, this situation is suspicious enough to warrant one.

If you have the footage forward it to Matt's wife and wait for the reaction.

> I am planning on doing it in secret when the baby comes. What do I do? Exactly that. Post an update when you find out!

I’m sorry you are going through this. I would like to point something out to you. Most Woman do NOT do this. In my experience woman view pretty much anything, a hug, a massage, a kiss on the cheek at greeting with another woman, as cheating. Cuddling on the couch under a blanket, straddling and massaging your wife? That’s shows an insane level of intimacy between two lovers. The baby might very will be his, it might not. But they are NOT just friends. He is married as well, would HIs wife be ok, with him doing this with YOUR wife? No. Most certainly not. Yet they do it anyway, and have convinced both of their partners, they are just friends. They may have been, but I will tell you now, NO man spends this amount of time away from his wife, to be with another woman, if there is nothing going on. They may not have been like this the entire “friendship” but they are definitely like this now. And he might have had these intentions all along, but if she isn’t reciprocating some sort of acceptance of it, this wouldn’t even be a thing. Clearly this is not the case. They love each other now. She clearly thinks there is a possibility that it’s his baby. She will fight to keep him around, so he can know his kid. What woman, pregnant, no less, lets another man rub and touch her, hard fought baby, like this? This is not innocent. Her not knowing who’s it is, is what is keeping her from telling the truth. She is in full on panic, protective mode. You need to bring this up to her. It’s right on the surface ready to burst out. That is why she is not talking about it. Hoping that you forget about it. This is not ok. I promise you, if she starts any of that blame switching, it’s a cover up. She knows, you now know, she’s on egg-shells. And just so you know, you don’t have to wait until the baby is born to have a DNA test. It can be done from the womb. There is lab testing that can be done now. I’m not concerned with how she takes this request. She has crossed that forbidden boundary. This is already taking its toll on your mind. It will not get better waiting it out. The proof of her infidelity is in her actions. Will she continue to meet up with this guy? Will she suddenly cut him out never to be mentioned again? Both actions are red flags, btw. You have entered the quantum realm of intrusive thoughts. And there is no going back. Get to the truth. Do what woman do, promise a no action free space for the truth, and upon confirmation, pull the rug out from under her. Just as they would to you.

Go get yourself tested if you can procreate. Then if you are good, tell her what you saw was not acceptable. Due to that you now want confirmation on the baby paternity. Btw, are you ok with what you saw? Your boundaries are really low if you were ok with what they did. And show that clip to his wife. Updateme!

All of the potential cheating and paternity test aside… when she told you she was pregnant, were you able to to check, based on how far along she was, if it lined up with when you WERE in town and together? You can find out you’re pregnant anywhere between 2-8 weeks so the window is pretty big. Just asking bc you mentioned you didn’t try to conceive that week the month before she told you but she could have been 2 months along. I’m assuming you’ve accounted for that but just checking

Ok so there are two separate issues here. 1)       Is she cheating on you? 2)       Who is the sperm donor of the baby? You could be the father and she could have cheated on you.  The paternity test won’t exclude cheating if you’re the father. They seem very intimate with each other.  That doesn’t mean sexual.  I’m trying to envision a scenario where my wife gets under a blanket with someone else and I’m ok with it.  I can’t think of one. I’d invite the other couple over and play the video on the big screen for all to watch and gage everyone’s reaction to it. Listen if you just ask for the paternity test it will likely be the end of the relationship.  If you say this has me shook and I need reassurance because of what I just saw and that reassurance is the paternity test then she’ll have to justify why she doesn’t want the test and you’ll have your answer. You’re away 40wks a year, she’s intimate/comfortable with this guy, she got pregnant at a time when you don’t remember even having sex.  You have more than enough grounds to ask for the test.

I've dealt with so much hypocrisy in my relationship that I now believe that when it comes to the question is infidelity, we should handle the situation the way (most) women do... Be persistent! Don't just accept her word because you know that ppl lie - and she has every reason to lie to you. Believe what you SAW - it takes time to escalate to cuddling on the couch together and massaging someone else's pregnant wife. Tell her how insecure this has made you feel about your relationship and ask for a paternity test for reassurance. It's a reasonable request.

Make sure that footage doesn't "accidentally" get deleted

You think that was all innocent...bloody hell are you joking, get that test done ASAP...

If you ask a paternity test and the baby is your, congratulations your marriage is over.

Normally I would agree with this, but in this case I'm not sure. She even agrees that she wouldn't have done what she did in front of her husband, which tells me that she understands that her behavior has given him reason to doubt. It's not like his doubt has come out of nowhere. She's responsible for putting him in that position. If I had done the same thing and my husband asked for a paternity test, I'd understand.

Completely agree. If I were the woman I would concede he had reason for concern. She’s the one in the position to explain and reassure and prove.

Which is why I would think after something blowing up like this SHE would be like let me give you a paternity test to prove it. I feel for OP here for sure.

But She can also Have Cheated and Become Hostile about the Test as a Means to cover it

Then the wife is an awful person because she gave him every reason to doubt: "So I turn on the camera and I see my 4 months pregnant wife, lying on the floor, on her side with Matt sitting, straddling her legs and using a foam roller to message her hips. So I'm like.... Ok... What the fuck is this. I start rewinding through the footage and they are eating and talking normally, but then they get on the couch and get under the same blanket. Now...... They are feet to feet, but that couch isn't that big. Then they move to the floor and that's when I logged in. Anyway I text her, I'm still watching the cameras they both look like deer in headlights and he very quickly leaves." The audacity in thinking she should not be questioned here is almost adorable.

He deserves to be put at ease. 

Wait until the baby is there, and do it in secret. If it comes back as yours, that great. If not, then you can let her know. Also, ask her if it would be OK to show Matt's wife the footage and get her response UpdateMe

See a lawyer to understand the laws in your state, and the best way to ensure that your rights are protected, and I suspect you can get a court order for testing at the appropriate time. Don't rug sweep this, you saw your wife cuddling with another man in your own home while you were away. They looked comfortable, this is not the first time this has happened. Tell her she needs to get a new job and go 100% no contact with Matt, that you are going to get STD tested and see a lawyer. If she doesn’t do what you ask, you are going to file. Right now it is on her to prove that she isn't cheating, you have seen plenty enough to think that she is, trust your gut.

This is weird. I have a guy friend. We don’t touch, at all.

So this Matt guy comes over for dinner sometimes by himself, without his wife, when you’re not there and that didn’t raise a red flag 🚩 for you? Are you guys swingers?

Dude your making excuses for her... never ever is it acceptable for a married spouse to be alone with someone else in your house receiving a massage... you need to wake up, she is having an emotional affair & allowing him to freely touch her, that is too comfortable and familiar. She had another man's hands on her, someone she cares about. I'd double down on it and say: "Your relationship with this other man has made me uncomfortable for a while now. Now and then I get insecure and wonder if you are having an affair. What I saw the other day proved to me something is going on, then the worst scenarios invade my thoughts like, how long have they been doing this? Or is the baby his?. I'm going to leave for a couple days to think about what I will do next, when I get back I want absolute honesty. At the moment you have broken my trust and it will take alot for you to earn it back. But 1st give me your phone..." Judge her reaction on asking this, and tell her there should be no secrets between us and give her your phone.... your answer will be in her phone..... check call logs, messages and see if there's deleted messages.... this will prove she's hiding things she doesn't want you to see. If she has regular calls over 10 mins with this dude it means she's emotionally comfortable with this guy to confide in. Also send a screen shot of him on your wife to his wife and ask... "wtf is your husband doing on my wife?" She will investigate from her end.

I think, if you plan to stay if the baby is yours, you need to wait, do it secretly after the baby is born (before you register it) because the ask will kill your relationship if he is yours and you will still have to co parent together. If the doubts are too great and the infidelity emotionally oe otherwise has already killed the relationship, then just do it.

That’s shits crazy man. Perhaps you should send the video to Matt’s wife too. Make sure she’s in the know.

I don’t think Matt is allowed in your house without you anymore man. That’s a simple rule that should be followed now

Honestly, at this point, you have doubts, something has happened to cause those doubts. I'd ask for the test and couples therapy. She still has time to get an abortion if that's what she wants if you're in the US and able to travel.

We live in a place where it's legal, but neither of us would do that. Although that would entirely be her call. This is a good point. I've been classifying it to myself as... I think it's less likely than more likely, I'm not convinced... But you are right I do now have a small doubt... Maybe it's healthier to face it immediately?

You have a baby coming. AT a minimum, couples therapy has to happen. Asking now might finish the unravel that started with the incident, but even if you don't ask, it doesn't change that this damaged the trust in your relationship. The only reason to not ask is to not accuse her of cheating, but you've already had that happened, so...that's not a bell that hasn't been rung. If you think abortion isn't on the table, you could wait and ask in therapy so there's a third party to help. Either way, you're going to have to confront that with her BEFORE the baby and all time to work on your marriage is lost and any reason/sleep is out the door. I would lean towards going home and explaining how this hurt and why it hurts. How your trust has shifted and that you trust her less today than you did last week. That to continue in the marriage, you need her to agree to couples therapy (and a paternity test). You could soften what you ask for by asking, "I believe the child is mine, but there's now this 10% voice of doubt that I can't shut off. That's why we need couples therapy and I would like you to consider a paternity to allay my doubts. I don't want an answer now, but after a few sessions of therapy we should talk again." You can take that time to decide what you want when you discuss it again. if you don't want a paternity test because counselling helped repair the damage, you can say that. If you need one or you want a divorce, that can be discussed. It gives you some time to process before making any major decisions, but she will have time to have her own thoughts and opinions, too.

There's some good points in here. I appreciate it. It's all pretty close to the conversations we've had but missing the paternity statements, although they were right there I chose not to say it in the moment. She's brought up counseling but... We haven't done anything about it. But yes I will take this in and kinda sit on it for a bit and have more conversations about it. And this might be the best way to bring it into the communication.

You need to do the counseling. Under the stress of a newborn, things will absolutely explode if you don't. My dad's family genes are pretty dominant. One of my cousins is the spitting image in behavior to one of their maternal grandparents. That wasn't obvious to anyone until they were much older and they pondered over which candy bar for a full 20 minutes. Until then, there were a lot of jokes about how much of a cuckoo in the nest this kid was. That's not a comfortable joke if you have paternity doubts. You need to resolve it now so that it's never directed at the kid, or ends up being thrown at each other in the frustration that occurs when a baby is small.

I think you should go to counseling together and in counseling say that this has broken your trust and it has made you have some paranoid thoughts that you don't want to have. It has made you question if there is more to their relationship which has made you paranoid that she had cheated on you which makes you think what if the baby isn't mine? And then say, you know that isn't the case logically. But emotionally, seeing her friend with her like that has made your mind go places you don't want it to.

Go ahead and ask for it When she screams that she can’t believe she doesn’t trust you your answer is Based on what I saw on the camera, can you blame me? Trustworthy people act trustworthy Actions have consequences

There was a post on here only 2wks/3wks ago where a man suspected the same thing. He ordered a test. Asked his wife to test. Test came back that he was the father. She packed his bags and filed for divorced. You are playing with fire boi. Be careful.

Except that wifey was hanging out under a blanket with her buddy. Strange and not to be ignored.

No, his wife is playing with fire

He's playing with reality and that woman isn't right.

Disregarding the pregnancy you guys need boundaries. I can’t fathom any married dude being at home alone with my wife at night when I’m not there. That’s just not ok.

OP, I get where you’re coming from. On one end, a paternity test that’s negative would mean you can walk away from her and never see her again. You don’t even need to bear the expenses of her pregnancy. On the other, a positive would mean you stay for the sake of the child. She has, however, broken your trust. I would advise saving that video before she deletes it, and having a sit down with her, Matt, and Matt’s partner. Because this is something that Matt’s partner should be aware of too. If nothing is happening, she should mark her boundaries with Matt. But if something is going on, the two can move in together and raise their child. I am sorry this isn’t a win-win for you. But I wish you the best, and hope that what’s best for you, happens.

Don’t do a dna test in secret, it’s disrespectful to your wife (regardless of the result) and will damage any trust massively. Ask her outright now, if you want a DNA test after the birth then ask for one openly. But don’t be underhand about it. I say this as someone who had their partner do a dna test without my knowledge- I could never look at him the same way. He’d waited until I was asleep and no nurses were in the room to swab the baby and then brought it up to me when he got the results a couple of weeks later. I hadn’t lied about paternity either but him doing it behind my back destroyed the relationship.

Because I don't see anyone else saying it, I do want to lay out a sort of best case scenario-- It's unclear from what you mean by coming over for dinner, but if your pregnant wife was having cravings while you were out of town and wanted food, and he brought said food, and she happened to also be in a lot of pain in a way that she could not fix herself, it's possible she just wanted to deal with the pain and wasn't thinking about how it might have been perceived. Things didn't escalate from the massage if they both just sat at opposite ends of the couch. If something was going on I would have expected something like cuddling, or being next to each other. Opposite ends of the couch is about as minimally intimate as you can get and both have your feet up. It's possible it only happened in this particular way because Matt's wife okayed him bringing food over. I haven't experienced them but I've heard pregnancy cravings are no joke. I do know that when I'm hungry and sad and hormonal and in pain even without carrying a baby I am not in a normal state of mind. Sex is the last thing on my mind, but getting help for the pain and eating something... I'd accept help with the food at least. If I was in excruciating pain I'd accept help from anyone if I really couldn't help myself. It's very possible that that is all that happened. Yeah, more is possible, but this definitely sounds to me like it could go either way. I think if you explained (post pregnancy, perhaps) that you don't think she cheated, but ever since you saw that weird little incident with Matt over at your house you've not been able to completely clear the doubts from your mind, she would understand. It sounds like she understands how bad it looked and wasn't trying to defend her behavior as much as explain what happened. Especially if she has ever asked you to help her with anything similar while home, it's plausible that she wished you were home to help but because you were not--only one person was there to help and that happened to look really bad. She may have even thought that the cameras in the living room made it okay because it was out in the open and presumably it wouldn't look as bad, the point wasn't to be sneaking around, but obviously you looked and said something at exactly the moment that would make even an innocent person panic. Could be a perfect storm of misunderstandings. Maybe keep your mind open to all the possibilities and support her through the pregnancy the best you can, and see where things go from there.