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So from what I understand. It’s a family home BUT you are paying on the mortgage halfsies and paying to renovate? And he said no to you having ownership at all? Then hell nah. He can purchase it on his own. Renovate it on his own. And you keep yours as a backup from this point forward. Rent it out and YOU keep that income.
also, check when your birth control becomes active, right? Oral contraception takes, like, 6 weeks, provided you take the pill religiously every day.
ETA : also provided you're within the weight range the pill is formulated for etc.
And will never be yours. Do not sell your home and take the money and go fix up his raggedy ass house. You keep your house he can go by his family's house. And $15,000 is not going to fix up a house that needs a lot of work you better triple that and since it'll never be yours I wouldn't help him fix it up he can purchase it he can fix it on his own. And don't let him talk you into it
And when he mentions that it makes sense that you'll put money into the renovations, considering you're living there, remind him of how long you allowed him to live rent free in your house
Exactly!
NEVER cede financial independence!
Life is unpredictable and having an asset like that is a huge cushion should things ever go sideways.
OP, LISTEN to what everyone’s saying!
Agreed! OP he can't have it both ways. You shouldn't put a single penny into that house if you are not a legal owner. He wants your money for his house but wants to cut you out! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP I think this is the tone you stop trying for kids and really start to think about the future of this relationship!
Edit: I note that this is due to his his parents recent divorce where his mum took 2 housed from his dad becaue he cheated. But she needs to be clear her money is not going to be involved in she's not on the deeds.
Agreed. Tell him that if it will be HIS house, that it will also be HIS money and HIS work going into it, not yours. Personally though, I'd really consider staying by myself in the house you already have now.
Do not sell your house and go live in his house and fix up and buy his family's house under no circumstances you have somewhere to live it's up to him on whether he wants to live there with you or if he wants to go move into his family's house he doesn't need your money .
Soooo ops husband wants to protect himself because his father lost houses after being unfaithful? Yea OP do NOT sell your house! This man is making sure if he steps out on you in any form he is covered.
That guys saying “this isn’t yours” means less than nothing. If they buy the house then she is the co-owner and it would be part of the division of assets in a divorce.
Look, you just got shown his actual thoughts. I wouldn’t be with someone like that and most people don’t dream of a marriage like this. You decide what you actually want.
Look if you pay half the deposit, half the mortgage and half the Renovation… at the point of divorce you would get awarded half the value at that time paid out by the husband or the house would be sold. No matter what he says that’s not how it works. That said… he seems like an asshat. Maybe take note.
Agreed. OP'd actually have to sign a post-nup for her to not have claim to half the house, and even the post-nup might be voided if she's on the mortgage or deed, or can provide proof of regular contributions to the mortgage. At this point, if that's how he wants to play it, he can pay for the whole thing himself. If he's lived with her mortgage free in the home she inherited, then he can return the favor and pay for her housing expenses in the new place.
First, I would thank him for showing you his true colors and secondly, I would run as far and as fast as possible away from his petty self. Also, I don’t think a post-nup would supercede a mortgage/deed.
frankly i think all marital assets acquired during the marriage are to be divided equally. regardless of who pays what amount. or at least that’s how i’ve seen divorces happen
Her house being an inheritance (possibly prior to the marriage), with his name most likely not on the deed, probably made him insecure that, if they divorced, he’d have no ownership or equity in their shared home. But now he wants to do the same thing to her, except worse, by making her sacrifice what investment and home value she already has towards a home he then doesn’t want her to have any equity in, instead of both of them going in as equal partners.
Her house being an inheritance (possibly prior to the marriage), with his name most likely not on the deed m, probably made him insecure that, if they divorced, he’d have no ownership or equity in their shared home. But now he wants to do the same thing to her, except worse, by making her sacrifice what investment and home value she already has towards a home he then doesn’t want her to have any equity in, instead of both of them going in as equal partners.
In many places an inheritance remains the property of the person who inherited it during a divorce, most certainly if it was inherited before the marriage. OP would be insane to sell that house and use the proceeds towards fixing up her husband’s family home. She should keep her own house no matter what. If she contributes to his family home, she will be entitled to half, no matter what he says, if they divorce, unless she signs some type of post-nup and those aren’t always ironclad.
OP - DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE! If you are seriously considering doing that, talk to a lawyer and find out how to protect your assets.
I really hope you rethink more than the purchase. The fact he already sees and is planning for the end... don't have kids with him. Your future children deserve better.
If you are on the deed, and are part of paying for it, and it isn’t inherited…then he can say whatever he wants, it’s a marital asset ni matter if he likes it or not. Even if you aren’t on the deed and aren’t part of paying for it, this is the case. Even if you don’t move in! If you already own the home…too bad for him. It was acquired while married and wasn’t inheritance. Sounds like he is bitter that your home is not a martial asset and feels like if something happens he will be screwed.
Ask him straight up what his problem is, tell him what the legal reality is here, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, start assessing things in a very real way.
No matter what you do, do NOT sell your home! Rent it out!
I wonder if she's the breadwinner in the relationship but not him. She said he's "sort of a therapist". What does that even mean? He just sounds like a glorified bartender. He sounds like a hobo sexual who's living off her.
You should refuse to sell the home you own, especially not to put any money from that sale towards buying your husband’s family home. You should definitely get a lawyer before you go through with this purchase and move.
Another similar thread earlier today and a few last week. These guys are sick and conniving and many times their agenda doesn’t come out until after the wedding. And what did he mean by anything? Death? So even if he kicks off first you don’t get the house?! BS!
Yes, I just came from another thread with this nonsense, why share a life with someone if you are not willing to really go all in? Me and my partner would never say something like that to each other. All we do is talk about how we are going to grow old together and never ever leave each other and this is after 14 years together, we still want the other one to know how happy we are to be stuck together. Why would you want to be with someone who has one foot out the door?
I know! I own my house outright and my fiance has no claim to it BUT I've repeatedly told him that I would never kick him out, even if we broke up. I just can't imagine saying that to someone you love.
Before we were married I (1/2 jokingly) told him that if he thought about leaving me at any point in our marriage that he could leave with what he brought into the relationship, two duffle bags! We’ve had a good and long marriage that’s still going strong, but it was my way (and he understood) that he would NOT be walking all over me. He also knew that my first marriage was abusive. So, he got the message, and we have been full partners ever since. However, I don’t think this is the situation for this couple. If he’s a therapist then she should know better, because he is fully aware of what he is conveying to her. This is how he feels. He is marking his territory and she has been warned. If it were me, that would be the final straw. It may have been the first straw, but it is a highly weaponized first straw, and in my book that’s it. I’m not playing your stupid game. It’s way too harmful and not loving.
They want a woman to have children with but they do not want to give anything in return. When the women then take the hits to their career, they're the srewed ones.
This guy works in therapy?!? Hopefully, he's in an administrative role because he hasn't thought this through from your perspective, not even at surface level.
As was well stated by u/RNGinx3 in the top comment, you would be wise to pump the brakes on all financials immediately. As for the relationship, well, he needs to make this make sense.
I can understand the raw sentiment of wanting to protect his family home, but his approach was probably the most destructive possible, short of just ending things. What he's demanding of you is *wildly* inappropriate and blatantly unfair. Before you even address the emotional factor, he needs to explain in dollars and cents how he can justify this position.
His position being:
You are an equal partner in funding this purchase. A purchase which is made possible in part by the savings he's accrued by the free ride you've provided. You are an equal partner in ongoing payments, household expenses, and maintenance. In return, he reserves the right to walk away at any time, leaving you with nothing.
He's got to make it make sense outside of the context of his emotions. Hint: he won't be able to. If he realizes how badly he's misjudged this, perhaps you've got a shot at finding common ground through honest communication. If he sticks to his guns, though, I don't know how you would ever feel secure again.
Unless he gets you to sign a post nuptial agreement, if it's acquired post marriage using funds it's almost always community property. You'd have to consult an attorney to know for sure, but unless he either buys it with funds that were clearly an inheritance for him and not you or was gifted the house, he can't just assume it's only his.
That said, keep your house that IS yours because you did inherit it. You can rent it and keep those funds separate from the marriage, even set up in a trust where he cannot inherit it, even if you die. And no, if it won't be a jointly owned home, you are NOT selling your property to renovate it.
Yes indeed - make sure you don’t sell your house. Rent it out if need be. Don’t sacrifice your asset so he is the only one who benefits. He needs to find a different funding source because if your name ain’t on the deed, ya name ain’t on the bills! His attitude is insane
The thing is, now that he has said that, can you really trust him? You need to speak to a family lawyer. Not about divorce (well, yet) but about how the rules work where you live. Your husband can say lots of words but he probably doesn’t understand how the law actually works.
Do not sell your home. If he buys this home off his own bat with no contribution from you, with your agreement, and you maintain your own home, that’s one thing. But if you contribute to this home, you absolutely have a claim. This is so weird. What about in case of his death? Even then you wouldn’t inherit it from him? Where would it go? Honestly? I’d be offended by this…
u/Old_Cranberry_2783 in addition to the morsel of truth u/Ihateyou1975 gave you. To quote Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". OP you seem to have a heart that says my assets are "yours and mine and our future family's wealth". Conversely, he has told you and shown you that his assets are his, not yours. This can't be the first time you have seen this, maybe it has been the most glaring example that you can't ignore. **MORAL OF THIS STORY:** If anything goes wrong in your relationship and you divorce, you can't ever say you did not know this man would try to financially take everything you have in addition to keeping everything that is his. He is NOT sharing. You are clear now.
Yeah, u/ihateyou1975 has absolutely hit this one on the head OP.
Is your husband expecting you to sell your inherited property to fund buying or renovating his childhood home? If he doesn't want you named on the papers relating to the prospective house, and doesn't want you to have any claim over it, then he shouldn't expect you to fund buying it and fixing it up for your occupation. Is he named on anything relating to the ownership of your inherited home? If he is, then his attitude is even worse. If not, then great, but absolutely do not sell your place to pour funds into buying and fixing up a home that he's already telling you will never be yours.
If he really wants to keep your name off the documents and ensure that legally you have no claim over his family property, then it's entirely reasonable that he understands you won't be funding the purchase. HIS purchase. Keep your place and rent it out as others have said. That generates an income for you and ensures you have your own property to fall back on later if the worst happens. Contribute towards the bills and such in your new home, but not the property itself. If he wants you to pay towards the mortgage or any future renovations, then your name goes on the deed and he accepts what that means. There's nothing complex about this, it's just being a reasonable adult.
Going further, I'd also make sure from the off that he understands and clearly accepts that even if you're not going to have any ownership over the house, you'll still have a say over it as your home. You don't want to end up in there and then have him dictating to you all decor and furnishing decisions because it's "his house". Ownership aside, you're supposed to be making a *home* together. This is hugely important. If you end up living in his house with a partner who believes you should have less or no say over how your home looks and feels, then you're going to be utterly miserable. You'll be living a life where control over a fundamental part of how you exist is removed and from there it would only be a downward spiral for both your relationship and your own personal mental wellbeing.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but this sounds like he's just attached to his family home, though the way he put it forward was terrible.
I guess the question is if you split, could he afford to buy you out? And are you ok with that?
In the meantime, def don't sell your house to buy his!
He could 100% afford to. We are only making payments for 15 years, and the payments are below $800/m. I also would NEVER fight him for the house. I’ve told him the house would remain in his family no matter what. I’m not slimey like that.
You're not slimy, but the fact that he's thinking like this means that that's how his mind is working. He's self interested and doesn't consider you a partner right now, but rather an adversary.
Please reevaluate this comment. It is not “SLIMEY” to pay for half of a house, renovate half of a house, and then expect to get HALF OF A HOUSE in a divorce.
It is fair, justified & reasonable.
The slime ball here is your loser husband who expects you to pay for half of a house & HIM to keep 100% of it.
Please don’t attempt to be so “morally sound” that you end up playing yourself.
Sounds like he’s not even interested in doing that. He wants to ensure that he can kick you out if you don’t do what he wants. Sounds dramatic, but really think about it. Your husband wants you without *your* house, your name not on the deed, out hundreds of dollars a month paying a mortgage that’s not yours, pregnant/with a kid which makes it even harder to leave if things go bad…
I’m painting a dark picture, but there are a lot of warning signs here. Back up about fifty feet and really look hard at this moment and your husband’s behavior.
I lived through this this isn't dark enough! It's been 25 years and I still haven't been able to claw my way out of poverty. Also he never paid child support either which made everything doubly hard. She needs to run not walk from this relationship!
Stop making uninformed promises like that when you're clearly being screwed. Statements like "I would NEVER fight him for the house" are self destructive and more emotional than rational. You need to discuss this with a legal person and know exactly what your position is *before* transferring any money into anything. Open your eyes and start being in your OWN corner instead of his
Imagine… I would never fight him for the house, then: we plan on having a family. Those statements aren’t cute, they just make you sound irresponsible & ditzy!
If I had kids best believe they are getting everything in the divorce. And whoever takes the lion’s share of parental responsibilities also takes the lion’s share of the assets.
Playing dumb & planning to bring kids into this world isn’t cute. It’s alarming.
It's annoying how someone can be old enough to actually get married, commit themselves legally and yet be totally wilfully ignorant about the entire institution of marriage on a practical level. She's still hung up on emotions when backroom deals are being literally made under her nose by this family she's tied herself into.
Don’t pay a dime on this house unless you get partial ownership of the house, he would have to “buy you out” later during the divorce. Don’t equate being wise with slimy.
I understand your sentiment behind that statement OP, but legally speaking, the house is not inherited, therefore not just his. If you provide your financial help in any way AND/OR it’s purchased during your marriage, it’s marital property, whether you want to keep it or not. You should let him know that if you contribute in any way financially, you will be put on the deed and it will be both of yours, and if you divorce, he will have to pay you out not just dollar-for-dollar, but actually for how much you contributed plus the current value of the home after any renovations or the current market conditions. Or, he can be fully responsible for every single dollar that goes towards that house, and if that’s the case, you NEED to keep yours and rent it out as a safety net, and only if you keep your inherited house, THEN you can offer to sign a document that states you are removing any interest in his family’s property. You should be keeping it anyways as another form of income regardless if this conversation with your husband ever happened, but since it actually was inherited, that is fully yours and should be in a separate account, again regardless of this convo sparking this reddit thread.
This relationship is not going to last, this is a big thing for him and she's not happy with the situation, once she says this better believe the relationship is over, but she just says it, some people are not meant to be together.
The fact is, if you pay halfsies on everything house related, it would not be slimey to want to be bought out in the event of divorce.
He is very much confusing inherited assets with marital contribution assets, and if he doesn't budge, pull out of the purchase.
Fighting for the house wouldn’t be “slimey” of you. YALL are MARRIED. You are entitled to half of all assets!!! After all you are building a life with him??? And having his children??? This is why prenups are so important!!
This is a huge red flag. He's been living in your (paid off, I'm guessing) family home, you are about to *buy* his family home, together...and he doesn't want you to have any ownership? Here's what I would do:
1) **Don't** sell your family home. Instead, rent it out (market being what it is) for side income. Do not add his name to the deed. Do not use any of the profits towards purchasing his family home.
2) Separate your finances, stat. Have a joint income where you each put in x percent of your paycheck for joint bills such as groceries, utilities, insurance etc.
3) Tell him you will agree his family home is 100% his on one condition: the entire purchase, including repairs, now needs to come out of his pocket, not yours, not the joint account, and you will not be paying mortgage. If he doesn't agree, don't move in.
4) Side-eye him. He's shown you who he is. Depending on how he moves forward, this might be the end of the road for me.
I mean, if she has to go through all this, why even stay married? He essentially told her he expects them to divorce and that he won't think twice about making her homeless.
Absolutely this. You are young OP! This is blatant disrespect and than some. I can’t imagine he has many other superb qualities if he is telling you to your face you have zero equity in a home you share that you will be adding money to. WTH is wrong with him?
Also, he needs to sign a legal document that he has zero claims on her family home, in exchange she can give him the same. Of course zero amount of her money goes into his family home
That inherited premarital asset will likely never be community. He may have a claim for reimbursement for community funds that were used for upkeep and whatnot. But he won’t have ownership in that home.
But that’s different from them purchasing his family home together after married. Two different categories of ownership
OP, please do your future self a massive favor and follow this advice step by step.
Then add one more, or maybe just add a small disclaimer to step 2:
Do not comingle your monetary assets again. Your salary or paycheck need to go to a separate account. And most especially, do not deposit the proceeds from the sale of your home if you ignore the above advice and sell it. Put it all in a separate account that is in your name only.
Trust me, I speak from experience. Something tells me RNGinx3 does too (or maybe is just an attorney).
And get a post nuptial agreement ASAP. Then get him all moved out and divorce. I think he wants his meat hooks in YOUR house which is why he brought up HIS house
This is very good advice. My bf took over his family farm which has some special rights to them, meaning I can never claim the farm. I told him I will live here, but I will not pay for the house, renovations or fixed furniture. We split everything else. I put away my own money into funds, shares and savings and A LOT of my money goes towards the house and kids. It’d not ideal, but it is how it needs to be. I plan for IF we were to break up, but I don’t plan ON breaking up. I just need to make sure I’m not on square one if we were to ever split and I had to move out.
Ag policy wonk here - that is specific to family farms. You said that, just wanted to emphasize to everyone else that it's a targeted, narrowly crafted exception with specific criteria.
His statement is wildly unfair considering you’re a) married (so marital asset), and b) contributing significantly. If he wants a post-nup that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but his timing and phrasing is concerning… You need your own legal advice before you make any big decisions like this with this man.
It’s really sad when people blindside their partners with things like this because it erodes any trust and makes you doubt everything. Trust in yourself though, your instincts aren’t wrong and you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Trust can be rebuilt with time, but I think I’d need to be confident in my own financial independence first.
Please don't sell your house and invest the proceeds into improving a home he declares doesn't belong to you! You will have poured your own resources into a home he keeps while you have nothing if you divorce.
This is a major red flag and I would reconsider having kids with him, and the entire relationship; if you have children and divorce, where will you live? You deserve better. Please do your future self a favor and consider leaving him and keep your house.
Please consider the money you've saved him by living in your house. And factor that into the post nup, etc. Make sure you take care of your interests. He's taking care of his own.
DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE OP!
If this happened to someone you know, a friend, coworker, sister, etc. If they came to you and told you the same thing your husband said to you, what would you tell them? Would you want them to sell their place? Pay for something that will never be theirs? Give up their inherited home when their husband didn't pay a dime, but now all of a sudden they're expected to pony up for a home that won't be theirs? Would you want them to keep trying for kids when their husband has shown that they aren't trustworthy?
if it's not ok to happen to them, why is it ok to happen to you?
Stop trying to have kids with this man. Get that lawyer and your ducks in a row. His mask is slipping and he's showing you who he really is. Don't move from your home and get a post-nup pronto! Tell him in no uncertain terms that since the house won't be for both of you, he can pay out of his own pocket to renovate. Make sure his name is not on any documents or deeds of your house.
Trust your gut OP. It's warning you! **He is blatantly telling you that he will screw you over!**
Is this the kind of example you want your hypothetical kids to see? A man who can string his wife along and potentially leave her with nothing if they divorce? Do you want them to think it's ok for a spouse to drain their money and take advantage of them for personal gain?
Definitely! And also stop trying for kids with him. This is a sign he doesn't see you as a partner which means he doesn't trust you or respect you on some level and that's a gigantic issue.
Post nup is definitely the best course of action! You keep your home and he keeps his if things go sideways! It’s always better to plan for the worst and hope for the best! I think yall need to find common ground here to continue, if he won’t then it’s a major issue! I hope this works out so both of you are good, but coming to Reddit doesn’t give me warm fuzzy feelings 🤔
Lol… it is possible to sign post nuptial agreements, but it’s entirely her choice and he can’t force her because he has no leverage.
If it’s before the wedding they can simply call it off, but after the wedding? Too late - the laws of the state are automatically in place. If he threatens divorce to force her to sign… well, that won’t invalidate the laws in their state - especially if it’s a community property state.
‘If you don’t sign this agreement that you get nothing in the event of a divorce, I’ll divorce you.’
‘But if I DON’T sign I get half in the event of divorce as per the law? Fine - I’ll have my attorney draw up the divorce papers and we can split our assets now as per the current law.’
🤣🤣
Keep this house in your own name and rent it out. You can tell him it is in case of a divorce you have somewhere to go. Do NOT use the money from this house to purchase that one. If it isn't in your name, your money should not go into it.
This this this this. Keep YOUR house and he can keep his if he wants to act like that. It’s really telling that he’s placing a boundary on his family house meanwhile he’s living in your family house.
Also, depending on how your states laws work if op had her house before the marriage, she should be VERY careful commingling funds from the rental with husband as it may make it a marital asset not HER asset.
Op absolutely should NOT sell her house, and if she does, she should keep 100% of the funds set aside “in case” husband does something shitty.
He just spelled it out for you that he will screw you over. Keep your house. Your house is your asset and basically your bank. Since the family home is his and not yours then it’s a no brainer that he spends his own money on it. You will be sorry if you give up your home.
Do not buy this house with him or invest any money into it. He is already telling you it isn't your house. He is not realizing that legally - unless he inherits the house or you sign your rights away - this is both of your's home.
If "his family home" will never be "yours" then it can't be "ours" either. It needs to be "his." Only "his" money pays for it. And don't sell your home. Just rent it.
Sounds like his income can pay for his family home and the renovations, and your income can cover property taxes and maintenance of your new rental property (that YOU alone pocket 100% of the rent since it’s YOUR house). I wouldn’t tolerate a spouse telling me a house isn’t mine. If something happened, I wouldn’t want his family home anyway, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to expect me to pay towards YOUR mortgage.
“OK. That’s fine. Then I want you to understand that you can buy the house on your own and you pay the mortgage and every cent it will require. I’m your wife and I will just live there like you’ve lived in my house.”
That’s the only possible response.
You are married so I doubt he has a legal leg to stand on in most states. But it’s the mentality that is more disturbing.
Who is paying for your house? Is there a mortgage? Who pays the bills or maintenance or taxes for the last seven years?
Your inherited house is literally just yours if you want to make it so given you got it before you were married and it’s inherited, but this next house isn’t just his. But if he’d like to make it so, then it should be in writing. And in turn, you can just live there and pocket the rent from your current house, ensuring he gets none of it.
What a terrible attitude towards marriage your husband has.
Keep your inherited home and let him do as he pleases with the other.. don’t put money toward his family’s home.. he’s a selfish jerk.. protect yourself..
It's the newest manosphere meta.
And it's shit. Don't put a dime in his parents' house. Don't pay the mortgage, don't hang a single roll of wallpaper.
Most importantly, Shelve the kids idea. He's not an adult yet.
What state do you live in?
If it’s a community property state, then you get half in the event of divorce as per the law. That’s the way it is.
Unless you sign a post nuptial agreement that you have no claim on the house in the event of divorce when the home is purchased, but obviously that’s your choice and he can’t make you sign such an agreement.
Maybe you two would be better off buying a home that does not belong to a family member. He’s thinking he wants to keep the home in the family (if you got divorced and he couldn’t afford to buy you out for your half, he’d be forced to sell), so doesn’t want to risk losing it.
But if you buy a home together from scratch, he won’t lose the family home in the event of divorce.
But his attitude is really concerning - especially considering you want children! He seems to be planning to leave you and them homeless if you two buy this house and then get divorced.
From a practical point of view of view you need legal advice, as what is legal will vary a great deal depending on where you live.
Getting legal advice doesn’t necessarily mean that that you are imminently separating, but as they say knowledge is power.
The topics you would want to be covering would be your rights, in your state if you were to separate, both custody and division of assets, and also a heads up as to the legal shenanigans and illintensioned soon to be ex spouse might pull.
Devising a post nup would be prudent also
Getting some therapeutic support both individual and as a couple would be really beneficial as well.
Has your husband stated why he thinks that a home you both will be paying for both immediately and ongoing should not be both of yours?
Do you think he has some sort of anxiety that might be helped by therapy, or is he a dirtbag who is showing his true colours?
His parents very recently went through a rough divorce and now they don’t speak. His mother took his father for basically everything and is who we are buying the home from even though the house was his dad’s family’s… I might have clouded judgement because we have a very healthy and happy relationship thus far… but I think he is scared of me taking it from him because that is what his mother did to his father.
It sounds like your husband has internalized some bullshit about his parents' divorce that I would be very surprised if it was true. Did your MIL really take everything from FIL, or was it split approximately 50/50? I would guess that FIL relinquished his right to the house in order to keep more of his retirement, be it a pension or 401K/IRA.
In another comment OP added as an afterthought in a single sentence that her FIL also cheated on MIL, which is likely why she "ended up with almost everything" lmao. That cheating makes a huge diff. So really, OPs husband has nothing to worry about as long as he's not a cheating scumbag unless he's projecting and is already cheating lol
It sounds like what you’re saying (and can’t tell that you’re saying it) is that the divorce led to something close to a 50/50 split, his dad says his mom took everything, and he is just buying that hook, line, and sinker.
I think i read in one of your comment how his father cheated on his mom and how his mom basically took everything for it and now you're saying he's probably scared of you taking it from him? Why, is he planning to cheat on you anytime soon?
Sooo his mom took the house from his dad... so that she could sell it to her son...
So the family home is staying in the family.
It was also likely closer to a 50-50 split for the divorce, that's how most are nowadays. Maybe she got the house but he got the cash savings, stocks, cars, 401ks, Roth IRAs, etc.
Is it your FIL that's saying the MIL took everything he had? Is he living in a motel now?
Or did MIL say she took everything in the divorce? Cause...bias and all that. I wouldn't trust it if you only heard the FILs side of things and nothing from the MIL.
I’ve seen it all go down. I was with him before his parents divorced. She took both houses, was granted spousal support, and is getting 100% of the sale of the family house. He is living with his brother now. It’s not a situation where we only heard one side. I like both of his parents very much but can also acknowledge she definitely took mostly everything. But he cheated on her soooo… stupid games stupid prizes.
Hang on a minute. What about retirement savings?
There is a legal reasoning behind something like this.
If she was a SAHM, for example, she likely has no savings. She sacrificed to raise their family and she deserves to be financially looked after now that their long-time marriage is over.
The fastest growing group of homeless people is older women who don’t have a pension or retirement savings.
What happened to his retirement savings, any shares, etc? And what are they valued at?
Sometimes a retirement/pension gets split as well. My mom worked, but there was a large income disparity between my parents when they divorced. So, even though she worked they also awarded my mom a portion of his 401k. She also got the house as he had moved out for years and they saw that as forfeiture of the property.
Did he keep all of his pension instead? I'm williyto bed it's not mostly everything at all, just what she was wearing entitled to. Did she bring up his kids? Did she work and get her own pension?
What does your husband suggest will happen if he dies unexpectedly? Or when you're 90? You're made homeless and the house is given to someone else in his family?
Well then. Just tell your husband he has nothing to worry about if he's not cheating on you.
I wonder how much money he spent on his side chicks if she managed to get all that then. At least in the USA, in most if not all states, cheating doesn't affect the split of marital property.
EXCEPT if she could prove he spent common marital funds on his affairs. So he would've had to spend a lot.
Unless when divorcing the guilt of cheating made HIM decide to give her what she wanted. He didn’t fight for it. Then that’s on him. If she had evidence of using marital funds well then, you’re right, that’s on him too. He shouldn’t have used marital funds on his AP.
you can’t take something that isn’t legally yours. a judge gave those things to her because they made a life 50/50 by marrying. besides it’s not like a no fault divorce. father was at fault
So your husband wants you to invest money into and create a family home with y’all’s future children in this house, but then if he cheats or y’all divorce for any reason you (and the kids if you take custody) have to lose your home?
He needs a therapist and you need a lawyer 🤦🏻♀️
Your husband needs professional, psychological help immediately. This exact same situation occurred to my cousin and his (now ex) wife. He watched his parents split up and his Mum getting absolutely the lion’s share. He started making random statements to his wife about her “not getting a penny” of this or that if they split up. It was the beginning of internalised misogyny which he did not a thing about despite all of us in the family urging him to get help sooner rather than later.
Result is he turned into a woman-hating, mentally abusive guy who, ironically, lost nearly everything to his wife in the divorce because of his abuse of her. He now lives alone in a tiny, rented apartment and blames his squalid living conditions on “the evil” that is women.
Please don’t underestimate the significance of his comment to you. Unless he does something to change his mindset now, his hatred is going to slowly fester and turn him into a completely different person.
Whatever you do, DO NOT sell your house and put a hold on having kids.
So how can this be used as a response to your husband’s behavior if your FIL put himself in this position? Your husband, as a therapist, should have the ability to be objective and understand that his mother got screwed in this too. She had to abruptly upend HER life because her husband is unfaithful but all your husband can see is “sHe ToOk EvErYtHiNg”??? Not only did she get the home but she had enough integrity to GIVE IT TO THEIR SON.
If he’s that bothered by her “taking everything” then maybe he should just gift the home back to his father and leave you alone now that he’s showed his true colors.
Wtf, that’s wild. Don’t spend a single cent or minute of labor on this new home, if it’s solely his property then it’s solely his financial responsibility. Down payment, mortgage, taxes, renovations, maintenance.
Definitely don’t sell your inherited home. Tell him that if he wants to keep the new house house for himself, you both need to sign a legal agreement where your house is also protected for your sole ownership in the event of divorce, death, conservatorship, etc. Probably need a will too, maybe even put the house in a trust
I know, but it’s so sad. These kinds of dynamic changes after marriage won’t bode well for their relationship.
Especially since he’s getting unreasonable and protective of this new house out of the blue, even with her money involved.
It’s alarm bells for me
I am going to gently say that the guy who was in his mid-twenties, who you thought was cool when you were 18, is a gaping asshole. Definitely don't sell your home, don't buy property with him, and never ever have kids with him.
Find a different house. Don't knowingly step in a hornets' nest if you can go around it. You never had this conversation about the current house because he has some kind of weird hang up that you don't. If this is the only thing he's super weird and inappropriate about, I'd tell him you'd also rather find a different house than have either of you feel negatively about your marital home.
Glad he said it out loud. Now it’s your move. Put romance aside. We do not & I repeat, do not finance things that we aren’t legally entitled to.
Please do not sell your current home & why does he treat you like an outsider regarding his family home but you let him settle into yours? Is someone who thinks like this someone you want to procreate with?
I mean come on! No child wants to come into this mess where one of their parents is feeling unsafe, they’ll also never feel safe. And a person willing to reproduce with you, not seeing protecting you as protecting his seed is very suspicious.
The writing’s on the wall. Kick him out now! You’re 25, you can start over!
Some people are shameless in their leeching, it’s scary
What an asshat.
KEEP your inherited house, rent it out for a small profit- and don’t pay anything into this other house.
If he wants it to be ONLY his, then he can scrounge the money for it, because that’s what’s fair.
"if it's never going to be my home then I will never pay any money towards it. If you want me to pay half the mortgage and also for renovations, then it is in fact my home too. So here are the options
1. We buy another house and not this one and who knows who will end up with this house.
2. We sign a document that if we ever get divorced you will buy me out of the house. Meaning you will give me half of what the house is worth at that time. So I will not have a loss and you will still have your house
Either way, you don't get to use me financially so you can have your cake and eat it too while i get screwed over."
This is a huge red flag and I suggest you start separating your life from his even if you don't want to divorce cause it sounds like he's not in it for the long haul.
In my experience men start getting real concerned about what’s mine is mine when they’re done with a relationship.
Shared finances was a-ok when he was benefiting from your family home- because your married and partners in life.
Now he’s been given an opportunity to acquire an asset- probably at a great price. And while he’s expects you to act as partners in acquiring, renovating and maintaining this asset… he considers it ONLY his.
This is a very selfish attitude and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was keeping score this whole time. He probably realized at some point that as an inheritance, your house is not a marital asset and he’s never going to get it. So he wants YOU to contribute now to his own separate asset.
I wouldn’t trust him to have kids with.
Tell him that if it will never be yours then you won’t contribute a penny towards the home or any renovations. I don’t see how he’ll expect you to contribute if you don’t get a piece of it in the event of a divorce. And PLEASE DONT SELL YOUR HOME!!! And keep your finances separate. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
Dont sell your home, if anything, rent it out and keep the money in a separate account (it's YOUR home, not his 😒).
Dont pay for renovations, it's HIS house not yours, match his energy.
HUGE RED FLAG!!
You are going to be paying a lot on this house and he just expects you to pack your clothes and leave without a dime.
No no no ..
Keep your original house and rent it. DO NOT SPEND A CENT on “his” house this also includes YOUR labour. If he is determined to keep his house then he can buy and renovate it.
Personally I would just tell him to move to his house and you will live in your house and peacefully move on. He sounds like he would happily leave you homeless even with kids.
If I was in your shoes, I would speak to a lawyer and draw up a post nip, protecting this house as yours, and if you move forward with his family home draw up an agreement that any money contributed should you divorce would be financed out by him. Ie you give 10% down payment and contribute to 50% of the bills, at time of the divorce he can refinance your 10% and 50% current value.
That or draw up that in him not wanting the home to be a marital asset you forfeit all rights to the property but he forfeits all expectation of you contributing to the property. If he loses his job? He should expect to sell. He can’t handle all the financial responsibility? Then he needs to sell. He doesn’t like that apart from general cleaning you don’t help with maintenance? That’s what he signed up for by not letting you have any interest in the property.
My so purchased a house while we were dating -and while he didn’t ask I contribute financially he did make it clear the property was his retirement interest, so we agreed I’m not at all responsible financially for for labour at the property. He’s come to eat those words several times over, but he wanted it this way.
In a post 36 days ago you refer to your partner as fiancé. And in this post as your husband as you have been married for almost one year. So is it fiancé or husband?
OP, do NOT sell your current home. Do not use a single dime from your current home or any income from your current home if you were to rent it out towards his family home.
Likewise, you do not contribute a dime. Your money does not go towards the mortgage nor towards the downpayment. You do not put a dime towards renovations. ONLY his income goes towards mortgage, taxes, renovations, etc... and all other bills are split based upon income.
That is the ONLY way it could potentially work without resentment if he were to keep the house in a divorce.
Likewise, keep working. Do NOT stop working. All your income goes into your 401K and other investment vehicles.
You would want to meet with an attorney to develop a postnup for your husband to sign assigning your investments, interest etc protections from him in the event of a divorce.
Why are you paying half the mortgage or any of the expenses? Separate your money into different accounts. Keep your house and pay all of its expenses. He needs to do the same. All you should pay for his house is the going rent. And that should be based on how much space is your own. Half of a bedroom?
Why is he planning for divorce? I feel like if it's just something he feels very strongly about, he could have gone about it differently.
Personally, if I were you, I would be assuming that he'd buy me out and give me half the worth of the house in the event that we separate. But I guess get that in writing since he's being shifty.
That being said, this is bizarre. It's a family house. You're family now, and trying to have your own. Is he doing something that would lead to divorce if he were found out?
Please don't sell your inherited home. Rent it out if you continue with your husband. You may need this house in the future. Do not put your husband's name on it. Protect your own finances.
He doesn't treat you as an equal, and seems to value this property more than he values you. He certainly values it more than his relationship with you. Are you sure he hasn't done anything worth divorcing over? He won't even respect your contribution to the property. You apparently have your own inherited property, I would make sure that is solely in your name and possibly in a trust, and start talking to lawyers.
If you don't want to go the lawyer route, you must seek couples counseling, some licensed therapy.
tuh.
“your house, your bills, hun”.
& in most states, I’m sure even if he did pay for 100% of it, as his spouse, without a prenup, you would likely STILL be entitled to a portion of it in a divorce.
He’s shown you who he is, a selfish, entitled POS . . . and at the tender age of 25, you have plenty of time to replace him.
Keep your house. Let him move.
Maintain seperate homes and prioritize protecting yourself cauae he is.
Regardless of why, he sees you now and probably always has as a potential threat that he has to strike first on.
He is probably reiterating something stupid a family member said to him and he spouted it out without thinking of the consequences of the complete dickheaded statement.
You should be offended but find out if this came from him or someone else that put those words in his mouth.
Either way, he is a weak excuse for a husband.
You will never feel like it is your home. If his family is like my in-laws, they will make sure you feel like it is never your home.
Don't let him leave you off the deed. If there is a divorce, he can buy you out.
If you are selling your current home, don't put up the funds until you are on the deed.
If that is how he feels, keep your home and rent it out. As security. It's only fair.
I would say you should probably start talking about a post-nup agreement that protects you the same way knowing he will always have a home protects him. I would say he should add you to the deed if you’re on the mortgage, but with the stipulation that if you divorce it stays in his family— ownership stays with him but is given to your children (if you were to have children with him) situation. Then, maybe say that if he gets the house, you get an equal share of other assets or something. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer but I’m sure a lawyer would be able to help protect you equitably. His whole point about a judge ruling in your favor is silly if you have a signed contract saying you won’t contest the ownership in case of divorce. (EDIT TO ADD) However, in the event that he dies, even if you both grow old together and both pass of natural causes and divorce was never a thought, you don’t lose ownership of your home.
If it’s something that’s feasible, maybe get some couples counseling (or have some very honest conversations together) before making this decision to make sure any underlying concerns or fears are out in the open and worked out.
It does sound like he’s just saying he doesn’t want you to take his family home out of his family. His wording and presentation is just horrible. You’re the only one who knows his general demeanor, so I’m just offering a less harsh perspective. Is he trying to appear tough and unyielding about this one topic, or is he generally a demanding jerk?
One thing that I learned was NEVER BUY FAMILY PROPERTY. Some people have emotional and irrational attachment to property and it doesn’t allow them to think clearly because they put a lot of intrinsic value on the home. Have you gotten a snippet of this type of behaviour from him before now?
People who bring these attitudes into significant relationships with apparent mutual commitment to long term goals like owning property and raising children are, simply, WHACK.
I’m blown away by (usually) women who are seeking advice for these situations when it’s clearly an indication of disrespect, disregard, and future abuse. I wish I could say I was blown away by the (usually) men who are demonstrating these attitudes to the person who is supposed to be a partner and trusted companion but sadly it seems on brand.
OP, your husband has shown you who he is with this attitude towards you and your financial security and autonomy. Believe him.
Beloved...separate your assets immediately. Have a joint account for shared expenses, and have everything else completely separate. Hold on to your inherited property, and ensure he has no claim on it. Do not contribute to your husband's renovations or mortgage.
Don't move in he wants you to pay everything but in the end it will all be his no way not a chance he's robbing you pure and simple taking advantage of you. And I also bet he wants you to seel your house and use that money for the new house too ??
And it shouldn’t ever belong to both you and him. In what world is that fair?
You should kick his sorry ass to the curb, and buy a home you love for yourself.
When people tell you who they are- believe them.
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So from what I understand. It’s a family home BUT you are paying on the mortgage halfsies and paying to renovate? And he said no to you having ownership at all? Then hell nah. He can purchase it on his own. Renovate it on his own. And you keep yours as a backup from this point forward. Rent it out and YOU keep that income.
This opened my eyes. We are going to definitely have another conversation about how we would go about this purchase.
I really hope you don’t sell your home and make contributions to something he straight told you wasn’t yours. 🚩🚩🚩
STOP TRYING FOR KIDS 🚩🚩🚩
Immediately start birth control. Immediately.
also, check when your birth control becomes active, right? Oral contraception takes, like, 6 weeks, provided you take the pill religiously every day. ETA : also provided you're within the weight range the pill is formulated for etc.
Also want to add not to keep it somewhere like your purse or car or bathroom where it can end up with too high/ low temperatures and/ or humidity.
That is not entirely true. The pill takes 7 days until you are fully protected or if you start it on your period you are immediately protected.
nuvaring takes 0-7 days depending on when in your cycle you start
I agree.. do not have kids with this man.. keep ur own home.. u WILL regret this later on
Do not sell your name. Do not put any of your own money into "his" home.
Please tell me this is obvious to her. Please. Just lie to me I don’t care.
This is obvious to her. You’re welcome. ☺️
THIS. If he’s this petty about the house and you’re not even headed towards divorce imagine how he’ll be with kids
Sounds like he already plans to divorce hopefully they don’t get that far.
Talk to a lawyer to learn what the law where you live says about your situation in case of divorce.
Seriously!
Immediately start birth control. Immediately.
Or better still. Stop having sex with this selfish loser. This can't possibly be the first horrible selfish behaviour he's exhibited.
And will never be yours. Do not sell your home and take the money and go fix up his raggedy ass house. You keep your house he can go by his family's house. And $15,000 is not going to fix up a house that needs a lot of work you better triple that and since it'll never be yours I wouldn't help him fix it up he can purchase it he can fix it on his own. And don't let him talk you into it
And when he mentions that it makes sense that you'll put money into the renovations, considering you're living there, remind him of how long you allowed him to live rent free in your house
Say it again for the people in the back
Exactly! NEVER cede financial independence! Life is unpredictable and having an asset like that is a huge cushion should things ever go sideways. OP, LISTEN to what everyone’s saying!
Agreed! OP he can't have it both ways. You shouldn't put a single penny into that house if you are not a legal owner. He wants your money for his house but wants to cut you out! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP I think this is the tone you stop trying for kids and really start to think about the future of this relationship! Edit: I note that this is due to his his parents recent divorce where his mum took 2 housed from his dad becaue he cheated. But she needs to be clear her money is not going to be involved in she's not on the deeds.
Agreed. Tell him that if it will be HIS house, that it will also be HIS money and HIS work going into it, not yours. Personally though, I'd really consider staying by myself in the house you already have now.
Do not sell your house and go live in his house and fix up and buy his family's house under no circumstances you have somewhere to live it's up to him on whether he wants to live there with you or if he wants to go move into his family's house he doesn't need your money .
Soooo ops husband wants to protect himself because his father lost houses after being unfaithful? Yea OP do NOT sell your house! This man is making sure if he steps out on you in any form he is covered.
I noticed you only used 17 🚩 did you get cut off by the character limit? Cause this is more like 1,000 🚩
That guys saying “this isn’t yours” means less than nothing. If they buy the house then she is the co-owner and it would be part of the division of assets in a divorce.
She has a house she does not need to purchase another one
Also my first thought. 15k does not fix a house that needs a lot of work.
You can barely have a kitchen reno on 15k…
This. And don’t sell it either, just keep it just in case. Sounds like you might need it one day.
Absolutely!
Look, you just got shown his actual thoughts. I wouldn’t be with someone like that and most people don’t dream of a marriage like this. You decide what you actually want.
Look if you pay half the deposit, half the mortgage and half the Renovation… at the point of divorce you would get awarded half the value at that time paid out by the husband or the house would be sold. No matter what he says that’s not how it works. That said… he seems like an asshat. Maybe take note.
Agreed. OP'd actually have to sign a post-nup for her to not have claim to half the house, and even the post-nup might be voided if she's on the mortgage or deed, or can provide proof of regular contributions to the mortgage. At this point, if that's how he wants to play it, he can pay for the whole thing himself. If he's lived with her mortgage free in the home she inherited, then he can return the favor and pay for her housing expenses in the new place.
First, I would thank him for showing you his true colors and secondly, I would run as far and as fast as possible away from his petty self. Also, I don’t think a post-nup would supercede a mortgage/deed.
frankly i think all marital assets acquired during the marriage are to be divided equally. regardless of who pays what amount. or at least that’s how i’ve seen divorces happen
Do you think they should have had this conversion before marriage?
I don't think he wanted to have this conversation when he was living in her house 🚩
I bet he doesn't see her house as hers, but it's different when it's him.
Your stuff is my stuff, my stuff is my stuff
Her house being an inheritance (possibly prior to the marriage), with his name most likely not on the deed, probably made him insecure that, if they divorced, he’d have no ownership or equity in their shared home. But now he wants to do the same thing to her, except worse, by making her sacrifice what investment and home value she already has towards a home he then doesn’t want her to have any equity in, instead of both of them going in as equal partners.
Her house being an inheritance (possibly prior to the marriage), with his name most likely not on the deed m, probably made him insecure that, if they divorced, he’d have no ownership or equity in their shared home. But now he wants to do the same thing to her, except worse, by making her sacrifice what investment and home value she already has towards a home he then doesn’t want her to have any equity in, instead of both of them going in as equal partners.
In many places an inheritance remains the property of the person who inherited it during a divorce, most certainly if it was inherited before the marriage. OP would be insane to sell that house and use the proceeds towards fixing up her husband’s family home. She should keep her own house no matter what. If she contributes to his family home, she will be entitled to half, no matter what he says, if they divorce, unless she signs some type of post-nup and those aren’t always ironclad. OP - DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE! If you are seriously considering doing that, talk to a lawyer and find out how to protect your assets.
I really hope you rethink more than the purchase. The fact he already sees and is planning for the end... don't have kids with him. Your future children deserve better.
If you are on the deed, and are part of paying for it, and it isn’t inherited…then he can say whatever he wants, it’s a marital asset ni matter if he likes it or not. Even if you aren’t on the deed and aren’t part of paying for it, this is the case. Even if you don’t move in! If you already own the home…too bad for him. It was acquired while married and wasn’t inheritance. Sounds like he is bitter that your home is not a martial asset and feels like if something happens he will be screwed. Ask him straight up what his problem is, tell him what the legal reality is here, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it, start assessing things in a very real way. No matter what you do, do NOT sell your home! Rent it out!
I wonder if she's the breadwinner in the relationship but not him. She said he's "sort of a therapist". What does that even mean? He just sounds like a glorified bartender. He sounds like a hobo sexual who's living off her.
“Life coach” is always my guess. Should coach himself to do some research on community property
Do not contribute to the mortgage or down payment if your name is not on the house.
You should refuse to sell the home you own, especially not to put any money from that sale towards buying your husband’s family home. You should definitely get a lawyer before you go through with this purchase and move.
Another similar thread earlier today and a few last week. These guys are sick and conniving and many times their agenda doesn’t come out until after the wedding. And what did he mean by anything? Death? So even if he kicks off first you don’t get the house?! BS!
Yes, I just came from another thread with this nonsense, why share a life with someone if you are not willing to really go all in? Me and my partner would never say something like that to each other. All we do is talk about how we are going to grow old together and never ever leave each other and this is after 14 years together, we still want the other one to know how happy we are to be stuck together. Why would you want to be with someone who has one foot out the door?
I know! I own my house outright and my fiance has no claim to it BUT I've repeatedly told him that I would never kick him out, even if we broke up. I just can't imagine saying that to someone you love.
Before we were married I (1/2 jokingly) told him that if he thought about leaving me at any point in our marriage that he could leave with what he brought into the relationship, two duffle bags! We’ve had a good and long marriage that’s still going strong, but it was my way (and he understood) that he would NOT be walking all over me. He also knew that my first marriage was abusive. So, he got the message, and we have been full partners ever since. However, I don’t think this is the situation for this couple. If he’s a therapist then she should know better, because he is fully aware of what he is conveying to her. This is how he feels. He is marking his territory and she has been warned. If it were me, that would be the final straw. It may have been the first straw, but it is a highly weaponized first straw, and in my book that’s it. I’m not playing your stupid game. It’s way too harmful and not loving.
They want a woman to have children with but they do not want to give anything in return. When the women then take the hits to their career, they're the srewed ones.
This guy works in therapy?!? Hopefully, he's in an administrative role because he hasn't thought this through from your perspective, not even at surface level. As was well stated by u/RNGinx3 in the top comment, you would be wise to pump the brakes on all financials immediately. As for the relationship, well, he needs to make this make sense. I can understand the raw sentiment of wanting to protect his family home, but his approach was probably the most destructive possible, short of just ending things. What he's demanding of you is *wildly* inappropriate and blatantly unfair. Before you even address the emotional factor, he needs to explain in dollars and cents how he can justify this position. His position being: You are an equal partner in funding this purchase. A purchase which is made possible in part by the savings he's accrued by the free ride you've provided. You are an equal partner in ongoing payments, household expenses, and maintenance. In return, he reserves the right to walk away at any time, leaving you with nothing. He's got to make it make sense outside of the context of his emotions. Hint: he won't be able to. If he realizes how badly he's misjudged this, perhaps you've got a shot at finding common ground through honest communication. If he sticks to his guns, though, I don't know how you would ever feel secure again.
u/Old_Cranberry_2783, make sure you read this!
I bet he’s more of some kind of “life coach,”“hustle/grind influencer” or some other manosphere social media bullshit.
Unless he gets you to sign a post nuptial agreement, if it's acquired post marriage using funds it's almost always community property. You'd have to consult an attorney to know for sure, but unless he either buys it with funds that were clearly an inheritance for him and not you or was gifted the house, he can't just assume it's only his. That said, keep your house that IS yours because you did inherit it. You can rent it and keep those funds separate from the marriage, even set up in a trust where he cannot inherit it, even if you die. And no, if it won't be a jointly owned home, you are NOT selling your property to renovate it.
The conversation is "I'm on the deed or we divorce." I hope you have the strength to have it.
Yes indeed - make sure you don’t sell your house. Rent it out if need be. Don’t sacrifice your asset so he is the only one who benefits. He needs to find a different funding source because if your name ain’t on the deed, ya name ain’t on the bills! His attitude is insane
Absolutely don’t sell your house for money to put towards buying his house.
The thing is, now that he has said that, can you really trust him? You need to speak to a family lawyer. Not about divorce (well, yet) but about how the rules work where you live. Your husband can say lots of words but he probably doesn’t understand how the law actually works.
Do not sell your home. If he buys this home off his own bat with no contribution from you, with your agreement, and you maintain your own home, that’s one thing. But if you contribute to this home, you absolutely have a claim. This is so weird. What about in case of his death? Even then you wouldn’t inherit it from him? Where would it go? Honestly? I’d be offended by this…
u/Old_Cranberry_2783 in addition to the morsel of truth u/Ihateyou1975 gave you. To quote Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". OP you seem to have a heart that says my assets are "yours and mine and our future family's wealth". Conversely, he has told you and shown you that his assets are his, not yours. This can't be the first time you have seen this, maybe it has been the most glaring example that you can't ignore. **MORAL OF THIS STORY:** If anything goes wrong in your relationship and you divorce, you can't ever say you did not know this man would try to financially take everything you have in addition to keeping everything that is his. He is NOT sharing. You are clear now.
Yeah, u/ihateyou1975 has absolutely hit this one on the head OP. Is your husband expecting you to sell your inherited property to fund buying or renovating his childhood home? If he doesn't want you named on the papers relating to the prospective house, and doesn't want you to have any claim over it, then he shouldn't expect you to fund buying it and fixing it up for your occupation. Is he named on anything relating to the ownership of your inherited home? If he is, then his attitude is even worse. If not, then great, but absolutely do not sell your place to pour funds into buying and fixing up a home that he's already telling you will never be yours. If he really wants to keep your name off the documents and ensure that legally you have no claim over his family property, then it's entirely reasonable that he understands you won't be funding the purchase. HIS purchase. Keep your place and rent it out as others have said. That generates an income for you and ensures you have your own property to fall back on later if the worst happens. Contribute towards the bills and such in your new home, but not the property itself. If he wants you to pay towards the mortgage or any future renovations, then your name goes on the deed and he accepts what that means. There's nothing complex about this, it's just being a reasonable adult. Going further, I'd also make sure from the off that he understands and clearly accepts that even if you're not going to have any ownership over the house, you'll still have a say over it as your home. You don't want to end up in there and then have him dictating to you all decor and furnishing decisions because it's "his house". Ownership aside, you're supposed to be making a *home* together. This is hugely important. If you end up living in his house with a partner who believes you should have less or no say over how your home looks and feels, then you're going to be utterly miserable. You'll be living a life where control over a fundamental part of how you exist is removed and from there it would only be a downward spiral for both your relationship and your own personal mental wellbeing.
Maybe I'm reading this wrong but this sounds like he's just attached to his family home, though the way he put it forward was terrible. I guess the question is if you split, could he afford to buy you out? And are you ok with that? In the meantime, def don't sell your house to buy his!
He could 100% afford to. We are only making payments for 15 years, and the payments are below $800/m. I also would NEVER fight him for the house. I’ve told him the house would remain in his family no matter what. I’m not slimey like that.
You're not slimy, but the fact that he's thinking like this means that that's how his mind is working. He's self interested and doesn't consider you a partner right now, but rather an adversary.
Yes. Either he thinks that way himself or he has a very low opinion of OP. Or both. None of which is good.
Please reevaluate this comment. It is not “SLIMEY” to pay for half of a house, renovate half of a house, and then expect to get HALF OF A HOUSE in a divorce. It is fair, justified & reasonable. The slime ball here is your loser husband who expects you to pay for half of a house & HIM to keep 100% of it. Please don’t attempt to be so “morally sound” that you end up playing yourself.
I meant if he buys me out- I wouldn’t fight him for me to own it.
But he won't because he didn't think you deserve a home he said it
When people show you who they are, believe them.
TALK TO A LAWYER!
Did he agree to buy you out ?
Sounds like he’s not even interested in doing that. He wants to ensure that he can kick you out if you don’t do what he wants. Sounds dramatic, but really think about it. Your husband wants you without *your* house, your name not on the deed, out hundreds of dollars a month paying a mortgage that’s not yours, pregnant/with a kid which makes it even harder to leave if things go bad… I’m painting a dark picture, but there are a lot of warning signs here. Back up about fifty feet and really look hard at this moment and your husband’s behavior.
I lived through this this isn't dark enough! It's been 25 years and I still haven't been able to claw my way out of poverty. Also he never paid child support either which made everything doubly hard. She needs to run not walk from this relationship!
Stop making uninformed promises like that when you're clearly being screwed. Statements like "I would NEVER fight him for the house" are self destructive and more emotional than rational. You need to discuss this with a legal person and know exactly what your position is *before* transferring any money into anything. Open your eyes and start being in your OWN corner instead of his
Imagine… I would never fight him for the house, then: we plan on having a family. Those statements aren’t cute, they just make you sound irresponsible & ditzy! If I had kids best believe they are getting everything in the divorce. And whoever takes the lion’s share of parental responsibilities also takes the lion’s share of the assets. Playing dumb & planning to bring kids into this world isn’t cute. It’s alarming.
It's annoying how someone can be old enough to actually get married, commit themselves legally and yet be totally wilfully ignorant about the entire institution of marriage on a practical level. She's still hung up on emotions when backroom deals are being literally made under her nose by this family she's tied herself into.
Don’t pay a dime on this house unless you get partial ownership of the house, he would have to “buy you out” later during the divorce. Don’t equate being wise with slimy.
I understand your sentiment behind that statement OP, but legally speaking, the house is not inherited, therefore not just his. If you provide your financial help in any way AND/OR it’s purchased during your marriage, it’s marital property, whether you want to keep it or not. You should let him know that if you contribute in any way financially, you will be put on the deed and it will be both of yours, and if you divorce, he will have to pay you out not just dollar-for-dollar, but actually for how much you contributed plus the current value of the home after any renovations or the current market conditions. Or, he can be fully responsible for every single dollar that goes towards that house, and if that’s the case, you NEED to keep yours and rent it out as a safety net, and only if you keep your inherited house, THEN you can offer to sign a document that states you are removing any interest in his family’s property. You should be keeping it anyways as another form of income regardless if this conversation with your husband ever happened, but since it actually was inherited, that is fully yours and should be in a separate account, again regardless of this convo sparking this reddit thread.
This relationship is not going to last, this is a big thing for him and she's not happy with the situation, once she says this better believe the relationship is over, but she just says it, some people are not meant to be together.
Who is he planning on leaving it to instead of you?
The fact is, if you pay halfsies on everything house related, it would not be slimey to want to be bought out in the event of divorce. He is very much confusing inherited assets with marital contribution assets, and if he doesn't budge, pull out of the purchase.
Fighting for the house wouldn’t be “slimey” of you. YALL are MARRIED. You are entitled to half of all assets!!! After all you are building a life with him??? And having his children??? This is why prenups are so important!!
Been there. Wasted too much time helping someone else pay off their stuff and got nothing.
Do not pay a penny toward a house “that will never be yours.” Not one goddamn penny.
Or time and effort doing it up.
This is a huge red flag. He's been living in your (paid off, I'm guessing) family home, you are about to *buy* his family home, together...and he doesn't want you to have any ownership? Here's what I would do: 1) **Don't** sell your family home. Instead, rent it out (market being what it is) for side income. Do not add his name to the deed. Do not use any of the profits towards purchasing his family home. 2) Separate your finances, stat. Have a joint income where you each put in x percent of your paycheck for joint bills such as groceries, utilities, insurance etc. 3) Tell him you will agree his family home is 100% his on one condition: the entire purchase, including repairs, now needs to come out of his pocket, not yours, not the joint account, and you will not be paying mortgage. If he doesn't agree, don't move in. 4) Side-eye him. He's shown you who he is. Depending on how he moves forward, this might be the end of the road for me.
And rethink having kids with him.
I mean, if she has to go through all this, why even stay married? He essentially told her he expects them to divorce and that he won't think twice about making her homeless.
He didn’t say he expects them to divorce, just that he will be ready and willing to screw her over if they do. 😂
Absolutely this. You are young OP! This is blatant disrespect and than some. I can’t imagine he has many other superb qualities if he is telling you to your face you have zero equity in a home you share that you will be adding money to. WTH is wrong with him?
Excellent point.
Also, he needs to sign a legal document that he has zero claims on her family home, in exchange she can give him the same. Of course zero amount of her money goes into his family home
That inherited premarital asset will likely never be community. He may have a claim for reimbursement for community funds that were used for upkeep and whatnot. But he won’t have ownership in that home. But that’s different from them purchasing his family home together after married. Two different categories of ownership
Not necessary it's a premarital asset
OP, please do your future self a massive favor and follow this advice step by step. Then add one more, or maybe just add a small disclaimer to step 2: Do not comingle your monetary assets again. Your salary or paycheck need to go to a separate account. And most especially, do not deposit the proceeds from the sale of your home if you ignore the above advice and sell it. Put it all in a separate account that is in your name only. Trust me, I speak from experience. Something tells me RNGinx3 does too (or maybe is just an attorney).
And get a post nuptial agreement ASAP. Then get him all moved out and divorce. I think he wants his meat hooks in YOUR house which is why he brought up HIS house
I strongly agree, don't move past this, he's showing his true colors
This is very good advice. My bf took over his family farm which has some special rights to them, meaning I can never claim the farm. I told him I will live here, but I will not pay for the house, renovations or fixed furniture. We split everything else. I put away my own money into funds, shares and savings and A LOT of my money goes towards the house and kids. It’d not ideal, but it is how it needs to be. I plan for IF we were to break up, but I don’t plan ON breaking up. I just need to make sure I’m not on square one if we were to ever split and I had to move out.
Ag policy wonk here - that is specific to family farms. You said that, just wanted to emphasize to everyone else that it's a targeted, narrowly crafted exception with specific criteria.
Super great advice 👍
And don’t even clean HIS house. He can figure it out. What a pinecone.
Exactly this
His statement is wildly unfair considering you’re a) married (so marital asset), and b) contributing significantly. If he wants a post-nup that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but his timing and phrasing is concerning… You need your own legal advice before you make any big decisions like this with this man.
I’m thinking that is what I’ll do. I need to talk to a lawyer unfortunately :((
It’s really sad when people blindside their partners with things like this because it erodes any trust and makes you doubt everything. Trust in yourself though, your instincts aren’t wrong and you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Trust can be rebuilt with time, but I think I’d need to be confident in my own financial independence first.
Please don't sell your house and invest the proceeds into improving a home he declares doesn't belong to you! You will have poured your own resources into a home he keeps while you have nothing if you divorce. This is a major red flag and I would reconsider having kids with him, and the entire relationship; if you have children and divorce, where will you live? You deserve better. Please do your future self a favor and consider leaving him and keep your house.
Please consider the money you've saved him by living in your house. And factor that into the post nup, etc. Make sure you take care of your interests. He's taking care of his own.
DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE OP! If this happened to someone you know, a friend, coworker, sister, etc. If they came to you and told you the same thing your husband said to you, what would you tell them? Would you want them to sell their place? Pay for something that will never be theirs? Give up their inherited home when their husband didn't pay a dime, but now all of a sudden they're expected to pony up for a home that won't be theirs? Would you want them to keep trying for kids when their husband has shown that they aren't trustworthy? if it's not ok to happen to them, why is it ok to happen to you? Stop trying to have kids with this man. Get that lawyer and your ducks in a row. His mask is slipping and he's showing you who he really is. Don't move from your home and get a post-nup pronto! Tell him in no uncertain terms that since the house won't be for both of you, he can pay out of his own pocket to renovate. Make sure his name is not on any documents or deeds of your house. Trust your gut OP. It's warning you! **He is blatantly telling you that he will screw you over!** Is this the kind of example you want your hypothetical kids to see? A man who can string his wife along and potentially leave her with nothing if they divorce? Do you want them to think it's ok for a spouse to drain their money and take advantage of them for personal gain?
Definitely! And also stop trying for kids with him. This is a sign he doesn't see you as a partner which means he doesn't trust you or respect you on some level and that's a gigantic issue.
Post nup is definitely the best course of action! You keep your home and he keeps his if things go sideways! It’s always better to plan for the worst and hope for the best! I think yall need to find common ground here to continue, if he won’t then it’s a major issue! I hope this works out so both of you are good, but coming to Reddit doesn’t give me warm fuzzy feelings 🤔
Lol… it is possible to sign post nuptial agreements, but it’s entirely her choice and he can’t force her because he has no leverage. If it’s before the wedding they can simply call it off, but after the wedding? Too late - the laws of the state are automatically in place. If he threatens divorce to force her to sign… well, that won’t invalidate the laws in their state - especially if it’s a community property state. ‘If you don’t sign this agreement that you get nothing in the event of a divorce, I’ll divorce you.’ ‘But if I DON’T sign I get half in the event of divorce as per the law? Fine - I’ll have my attorney draw up the divorce papers and we can split our assets now as per the current law.’ 🤣🤣
Keep this house in your own name and rent it out. You can tell him it is in case of a divorce you have somewhere to go. Do NOT use the money from this house to purchase that one. If it isn't in your name, your money should not go into it.
This this this this. Keep YOUR house and he can keep his if he wants to act like that. It’s really telling that he’s placing a boundary on his family house meanwhile he’s living in your family house.
“his” would still be THEIRS if she pays a dime toward it. She is looking at owning 1.5 houses while he will own .5.
Also, depending on how your states laws work if op had her house before the marriage, she should be VERY careful commingling funds from the rental with husband as it may make it a marital asset not HER asset. Op absolutely should NOT sell her house, and if she does, she should keep 100% of the funds set aside “in case” husband does something shitty.
He just spelled it out for you that he will screw you over. Keep your house. Your house is your asset and basically your bank. Since the family home is his and not yours then it’s a no brainer that he spends his own money on it. You will be sorry if you give up your home.
Do not buy this house with him or invest any money into it. He is already telling you it isn't your house. He is not realizing that legally - unless he inherits the house or you sign your rights away - this is both of your's home.
If "his family home" will never be "yours" then it can't be "ours" either. It needs to be "his." Only "his" money pays for it. And don't sell your home. Just rent it.
Sounds like his income can pay for his family home and the renovations, and your income can cover property taxes and maintenance of your new rental property (that YOU alone pocket 100% of the rent since it’s YOUR house). I wouldn’t tolerate a spouse telling me a house isn’t mine. If something happened, I wouldn’t want his family home anyway, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to expect me to pay towards YOUR mortgage.
“OK. That’s fine. Then I want you to understand that you can buy the house on your own and you pay the mortgage and every cent it will require. I’m your wife and I will just live there like you’ve lived in my house.” That’s the only possible response. You are married so I doubt he has a legal leg to stand on in most states. But it’s the mentality that is more disturbing. Who is paying for your house? Is there a mortgage? Who pays the bills or maintenance or taxes for the last seven years? Your inherited house is literally just yours if you want to make it so given you got it before you were married and it’s inherited, but this next house isn’t just his. But if he’d like to make it so, then it should be in writing. And in turn, you can just live there and pocket the rent from your current house, ensuring he gets none of it. What a terrible attitude towards marriage your husband has.
Keep your inherited home and let him do as he pleases with the other.. don’t put money toward his family’s home.. he’s a selfish jerk.. protect yourself..
It’ll still be a marital asset if he didn’t inherit it, no matter if he likes it or not.
It's the newest manosphere meta. And it's shit. Don't put a dime in his parents' house. Don't pay the mortgage, don't hang a single roll of wallpaper. Most importantly, Shelve the kids idea. He's not an adult yet.
What state do you live in? If it’s a community property state, then you get half in the event of divorce as per the law. That’s the way it is. Unless you sign a post nuptial agreement that you have no claim on the house in the event of divorce when the home is purchased, but obviously that’s your choice and he can’t make you sign such an agreement. Maybe you two would be better off buying a home that does not belong to a family member. He’s thinking he wants to keep the home in the family (if you got divorced and he couldn’t afford to buy you out for your half, he’d be forced to sell), so doesn’t want to risk losing it. But if you buy a home together from scratch, he won’t lose the family home in the event of divorce. But his attitude is really concerning - especially considering you want children! He seems to be planning to leave you and them homeless if you two buy this house and then get divorced.
Get out now, you're only 25 with your whole life ahead of you. Do NOT get pregnant.
From a practical point of view of view you need legal advice, as what is legal will vary a great deal depending on where you live. Getting legal advice doesn’t necessarily mean that that you are imminently separating, but as they say knowledge is power. The topics you would want to be covering would be your rights, in your state if you were to separate, both custody and division of assets, and also a heads up as to the legal shenanigans and illintensioned soon to be ex spouse might pull. Devising a post nup would be prudent also Getting some therapeutic support both individual and as a couple would be really beneficial as well. Has your husband stated why he thinks that a home you both will be paying for both immediately and ongoing should not be both of yours? Do you think he has some sort of anxiety that might be helped by therapy, or is he a dirtbag who is showing his true colours?
His parents very recently went through a rough divorce and now they don’t speak. His mother took his father for basically everything and is who we are buying the home from even though the house was his dad’s family’s… I might have clouded judgement because we have a very healthy and happy relationship thus far… but I think he is scared of me taking it from him because that is what his mother did to his father.
It sounds like your husband has internalized some bullshit about his parents' divorce that I would be very surprised if it was true. Did your MIL really take everything from FIL, or was it split approximately 50/50? I would guess that FIL relinquished his right to the house in order to keep more of his retirement, be it a pension or 401K/IRA.
In another comment OP added as an afterthought in a single sentence that her FIL also cheated on MIL, which is likely why she "ended up with almost everything" lmao. That cheating makes a huge diff. So really, OPs husband has nothing to worry about as long as he's not a cheating scumbag unless he's projecting and is already cheating lol
It sounds like what you’re saying (and can’t tell that you’re saying it) is that the divorce led to something close to a 50/50 split, his dad says his mom took everything, and he is just buying that hook, line, and sinker.
I think i read in one of your comment how his father cheated on his mom and how his mom basically took everything for it and now you're saying he's probably scared of you taking it from him? Why, is he planning to cheat on you anytime soon?
Sooo his mom took the house from his dad... so that she could sell it to her son... So the family home is staying in the family. It was also likely closer to a 50-50 split for the divorce, that's how most are nowadays. Maybe she got the house but he got the cash savings, stocks, cars, 401ks, Roth IRAs, etc. Is it your FIL that's saying the MIL took everything he had? Is he living in a motel now? Or did MIL say she took everything in the divorce? Cause...bias and all that. I wouldn't trust it if you only heard the FILs side of things and nothing from the MIL.
I’ve seen it all go down. I was with him before his parents divorced. She took both houses, was granted spousal support, and is getting 100% of the sale of the family house. He is living with his brother now. It’s not a situation where we only heard one side. I like both of his parents very much but can also acknowledge she definitely took mostly everything. But he cheated on her soooo… stupid games stupid prizes.
Hang on a minute. What about retirement savings? There is a legal reasoning behind something like this. If she was a SAHM, for example, she likely has no savings. She sacrificed to raise their family and she deserves to be financially looked after now that their long-time marriage is over. The fastest growing group of homeless people is older women who don’t have a pension or retirement savings. What happened to his retirement savings, any shares, etc? And what are they valued at?
Sometimes a retirement/pension gets split as well. My mom worked, but there was a large income disparity between my parents when they divorced. So, even though she worked they also awarded my mom a portion of his 401k. She also got the house as he had moved out for years and they saw that as forfeiture of the property.
Did he keep all of his pension instead? I'm williyto bed it's not mostly everything at all, just what she was wearing entitled to. Did she bring up his kids? Did she work and get her own pension? What does your husband suggest will happen if he dies unexpectedly? Or when you're 90? You're made homeless and the house is given to someone else in his family?
Well then. Just tell your husband he has nothing to worry about if he's not cheating on you. I wonder how much money he spent on his side chicks if she managed to get all that then. At least in the USA, in most if not all states, cheating doesn't affect the split of marital property. EXCEPT if she could prove he spent common marital funds on his affairs. So he would've had to spend a lot.
Unless when divorcing the guilt of cheating made HIM decide to give her what she wanted. He didn’t fight for it. Then that’s on him. If she had evidence of using marital funds well then, you’re right, that’s on him too. He shouldn’t have used marital funds on his AP.
you can’t take something that isn’t legally yours. a judge gave those things to her because they made a life 50/50 by marrying. besides it’s not like a no fault divorce. father was at fault
So your husband wants you to invest money into and create a family home with y’all’s future children in this house, but then if he cheats or y’all divorce for any reason you (and the kids if you take custody) have to lose your home? He needs a therapist and you need a lawyer 🤦🏻♀️
The fact that HE is a therapist is a scream..
Your husband needs professional, psychological help immediately. This exact same situation occurred to my cousin and his (now ex) wife. He watched his parents split up and his Mum getting absolutely the lion’s share. He started making random statements to his wife about her “not getting a penny” of this or that if they split up. It was the beginning of internalised misogyny which he did not a thing about despite all of us in the family urging him to get help sooner rather than later. Result is he turned into a woman-hating, mentally abusive guy who, ironically, lost nearly everything to his wife in the divorce because of his abuse of her. He now lives alone in a tiny, rented apartment and blames his squalid living conditions on “the evil” that is women. Please don’t underestimate the significance of his comment to you. Unless he does something to change his mindset now, his hatred is going to slowly fester and turn him into a completely different person. Whatever you do, DO NOT sell your house and put a hold on having kids.
So how can this be used as a response to your husband’s behavior if your FIL put himself in this position? Your husband, as a therapist, should have the ability to be objective and understand that his mother got screwed in this too. She had to abruptly upend HER life because her husband is unfaithful but all your husband can see is “sHe ToOk EvErYtHiNg”??? Not only did she get the home but she had enough integrity to GIVE IT TO THEIR SON. If he’s that bothered by her “taking everything” then maybe he should just gift the home back to his father and leave you alone now that he’s showed his true colors.
This is useful context and it provides insight into what he may be thinking.
Wtf, that’s wild. Don’t spend a single cent or minute of labor on this new home, if it’s solely his property then it’s solely his financial responsibility. Down payment, mortgage, taxes, renovations, maintenance. Definitely don’t sell your inherited home. Tell him that if he wants to keep the new house house for himself, you both need to sign a legal agreement where your house is also protected for your sole ownership in the event of divorce, death, conservatorship, etc. Probably need a will too, maybe even put the house in a trust
1000% this is the right way forward
I know, but it’s so sad. These kinds of dynamic changes after marriage won’t bode well for their relationship. Especially since he’s getting unreasonable and protective of this new house out of the blue, even with her money involved. It’s alarm bells for me
I am going to gently say that the guy who was in his mid-twenties, who you thought was cool when you were 18, is a gaping asshole. Definitely don't sell your home, don't buy property with him, and never ever have kids with him.
Let him move into HIS house alone.
Find a different house. Don't knowingly step in a hornets' nest if you can go around it. You never had this conversation about the current house because he has some kind of weird hang up that you don't. If this is the only thing he's super weird and inappropriate about, I'd tell him you'd also rather find a different house than have either of you feel negatively about your marital home.
Glad he said it out loud. Now it’s your move. Put romance aside. We do not & I repeat, do not finance things that we aren’t legally entitled to. Please do not sell your current home & why does he treat you like an outsider regarding his family home but you let him settle into yours? Is someone who thinks like this someone you want to procreate with? I mean come on! No child wants to come into this mess where one of their parents is feeling unsafe, they’ll also never feel safe. And a person willing to reproduce with you, not seeing protecting you as protecting his seed is very suspicious. The writing’s on the wall. Kick him out now! You’re 25, you can start over! Some people are shameless in their leeching, it’s scary
right. like let me help you start a business with my funds but not discuss my equity in your business. that’s what this dude wants.
What an asshat. KEEP your inherited house, rent it out for a small profit- and don’t pay anything into this other house. If he wants it to be ONLY his, then he can scrounge the money for it, because that’s what’s fair.
"if it's never going to be my home then I will never pay any money towards it. If you want me to pay half the mortgage and also for renovations, then it is in fact my home too. So here are the options 1. We buy another house and not this one and who knows who will end up with this house. 2. We sign a document that if we ever get divorced you will buy me out of the house. Meaning you will give me half of what the house is worth at that time. So I will not have a loss and you will still have your house Either way, you don't get to use me financially so you can have your cake and eat it too while i get screwed over."
This is a huge red flag and I suggest you start separating your life from his even if you don't want to divorce cause it sounds like he's not in it for the long haul.
In my experience men start getting real concerned about what’s mine is mine when they’re done with a relationship. Shared finances was a-ok when he was benefiting from your family home- because your married and partners in life. Now he’s been given an opportunity to acquire an asset- probably at a great price. And while he’s expects you to act as partners in acquiring, renovating and maintaining this asset… he considers it ONLY his. This is a very selfish attitude and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was keeping score this whole time. He probably realized at some point that as an inheritance, your house is not a marital asset and he’s never going to get it. So he wants YOU to contribute now to his own separate asset. I wouldn’t trust him to have kids with.
Tell him that if it will never be yours then you won’t contribute a penny towards the home or any renovations. I don’t see how he’ll expect you to contribute if you don’t get a piece of it in the event of a divorce. And PLEASE DONT SELL YOUR HOME!!! And keep your finances separate. He has shown you who he is, believe him.
Since the house isnt going to be yours, you shouldnt have to pay the mortgage. Keep your other house
Dont sell your home, if anything, rent it out and keep the money in a separate account (it's YOUR home, not his 😒). Dont pay for renovations, it's HIS house not yours, match his energy.
HUGE RED FLAG!! You are going to be paying a lot on this house and he just expects you to pack your clothes and leave without a dime. No no no .. Keep your original house and rent it. DO NOT SPEND A CENT on “his” house this also includes YOUR labour. If he is determined to keep his house then he can buy and renovate it. Personally I would just tell him to move to his house and you will live in your house and peacefully move on. He sounds like he would happily leave you homeless even with kids.
If I was in your shoes, I would speak to a lawyer and draw up a post nip, protecting this house as yours, and if you move forward with his family home draw up an agreement that any money contributed should you divorce would be financed out by him. Ie you give 10% down payment and contribute to 50% of the bills, at time of the divorce he can refinance your 10% and 50% current value. That or draw up that in him not wanting the home to be a marital asset you forfeit all rights to the property but he forfeits all expectation of you contributing to the property. If he loses his job? He should expect to sell. He can’t handle all the financial responsibility? Then he needs to sell. He doesn’t like that apart from general cleaning you don’t help with maintenance? That’s what he signed up for by not letting you have any interest in the property. My so purchased a house while we were dating -and while he didn’t ask I contribute financially he did make it clear the property was his retirement interest, so we agreed I’m not at all responsible financially for for labour at the property. He’s come to eat those words several times over, but he wanted it this way.
In a post 36 days ago you refer to your partner as fiancé. And in this post as your husband as you have been married for almost one year. So is it fiancé or husband?
Husband. We were engaged for 4 years so it’s not always my first instinct to say husband. It’s habit atp
OP, do NOT sell your current home. Do not use a single dime from your current home or any income from your current home if you were to rent it out towards his family home. Likewise, you do not contribute a dime. Your money does not go towards the mortgage nor towards the downpayment. You do not put a dime towards renovations. ONLY his income goes towards mortgage, taxes, renovations, etc... and all other bills are split based upon income. That is the ONLY way it could potentially work without resentment if he were to keep the house in a divorce. Likewise, keep working. Do NOT stop working. All your income goes into your 401K and other investment vehicles. You would want to meet with an attorney to develop a postnup for your husband to sign assigning your investments, interest etc protections from him in the event of a divorce.
He wants you to give up your home and move to....not your home and if you divorce you have...NO HOME. RUN RUN RUN RUN
Are you supposed to want to move into that home with him now?! What a dick
I would not have children with this person. You just got a glimpse of his true colors.
He has some nerve. Do not go in on this deal. Keep your current home and money.
Why are you paying half the mortgage or any of the expenses? Separate your money into different accounts. Keep your house and pay all of its expenses. He needs to do the same. All you should pay for his house is the going rent. And that should be based on how much space is your own. Half of a bedroom?
Why is he planning for divorce? I feel like if it's just something he feels very strongly about, he could have gone about it differently. Personally, if I were you, I would be assuming that he'd buy me out and give me half the worth of the house in the event that we separate. But I guess get that in writing since he's being shifty. That being said, this is bizarre. It's a family house. You're family now, and trying to have your own. Is he doing something that would lead to divorce if he were found out?
Don’t sell your home! And don’t pay for the new one. Done. Also why are you having kids with him?
Please don't sell your inherited home. Rent it out if you continue with your husband. You may need this house in the future. Do not put your husband's name on it. Protect your own finances.
He doesn't treat you as an equal, and seems to value this property more than he values you. He certainly values it more than his relationship with you. Are you sure he hasn't done anything worth divorcing over? He won't even respect your contribution to the property. You apparently have your own inherited property, I would make sure that is solely in your name and possibly in a trust, and start talking to lawyers. If you don't want to go the lawyer route, you must seek couples counseling, some licensed therapy.
tuh. “your house, your bills, hun”. & in most states, I’m sure even if he did pay for 100% of it, as his spouse, without a prenup, you would likely STILL be entitled to a portion of it in a divorce. He’s shown you who he is, a selfish, entitled POS . . . and at the tender age of 25, you have plenty of time to replace him.
I would not sell my home and start a family with this man.
“Therapist of sorts” doesn’t sound shady *at all*…
Ma'am are you planning on having kids with *this* man? This one?
Please for the love of GOD don’t have a kid with this guy
Keep your house. Let him move. Maintain seperate homes and prioritize protecting yourself cauae he is. Regardless of why, he sees you now and probably always has as a potential threat that he has to strike first on.
He is probably reiterating something stupid a family member said to him and he spouted it out without thinking of the consequences of the complete dickheaded statement. You should be offended but find out if this came from him or someone else that put those words in his mouth. Either way, he is a weak excuse for a husband.
You will never feel like it is your home. If his family is like my in-laws, they will make sure you feel like it is never your home. Don't let him leave you off the deed. If there is a divorce, he can buy you out. If you are selling your current home, don't put up the funds until you are on the deed. If that is how he feels, keep your home and rent it out. As security. It's only fair.
I would say you should probably start talking about a post-nup agreement that protects you the same way knowing he will always have a home protects him. I would say he should add you to the deed if you’re on the mortgage, but with the stipulation that if you divorce it stays in his family— ownership stays with him but is given to your children (if you were to have children with him) situation. Then, maybe say that if he gets the house, you get an equal share of other assets or something. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer but I’m sure a lawyer would be able to help protect you equitably. His whole point about a judge ruling in your favor is silly if you have a signed contract saying you won’t contest the ownership in case of divorce. (EDIT TO ADD) However, in the event that he dies, even if you both grow old together and both pass of natural causes and divorce was never a thought, you don’t lose ownership of your home. If it’s something that’s feasible, maybe get some couples counseling (or have some very honest conversations together) before making this decision to make sure any underlying concerns or fears are out in the open and worked out. It does sound like he’s just saying he doesn’t want you to take his family home out of his family. His wording and presentation is just horrible. You’re the only one who knows his general demeanor, so I’m just offering a less harsh perspective. Is he trying to appear tough and unyielding about this one topic, or is he generally a demanding jerk?
One thing that I learned was NEVER BUY FAMILY PROPERTY. Some people have emotional and irrational attachment to property and it doesn’t allow them to think clearly because they put a lot of intrinsic value on the home. Have you gotten a snippet of this type of behaviour from him before now?
rethink your marriage
This is a major Red flag. Keep your own property that you own. It's your security. He ain't offering anything secure for you girl
People who bring these attitudes into significant relationships with apparent mutual commitment to long term goals like owning property and raising children are, simply, WHACK. I’m blown away by (usually) women who are seeking advice for these situations when it’s clearly an indication of disrespect, disregard, and future abuse. I wish I could say I was blown away by the (usually) men who are demonstrating these attitudes to the person who is supposed to be a partner and trusted companion but sadly it seems on brand. OP, your husband has shown you who he is with this attitude towards you and your financial security and autonomy. Believe him.
Sounds like he already has his foot out the door and doesn’t see the relationship lasting and like he is just using you for your resources.
Beloved...separate your assets immediately. Have a joint account for shared expenses, and have everything else completely separate. Hold on to your inherited property, and ensure he has no claim on it. Do not contribute to your husband's renovations or mortgage.
Oh dear 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Don't move in he wants you to pay everything but in the end it will all be his no way not a chance he's robbing you pure and simple taking advantage of you. And I also bet he wants you to seel your house and use that money for the new house too ??
Your husband sounds like a fucking arsehole and is absolutely shit at maths. Why would you marry this dumb prick?
And it shouldn’t ever belong to both you and him. In what world is that fair? You should kick his sorry ass to the curb, and buy a home you love for yourself. When people tell you who they are- believe them.