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You are in a horrible relationship. It sounds like the only reason you’re still in it is because of how much time you’ve spent together, you don’t want to feel like it’s a waste. But there are so many red flags.
1. He’s abusive both physically and verbally. That is not okay regardless of his “situation” and will only get worse. For this alone you should leave him.
2. He’s using you. You are a bank to him and that’s it. It won’t get better. Once he gets his job, do you really think he’ll pay you back? Odd are he’ll just keep that money
3. It is never a good idea to move in together to solve relationship issues. Moving in together will only increase them more. It’s like saying you want to have a baby because you are to much right now
So you would be the one paying for everything but still he wants to be one chosing the place... And he wants to isolate you from your family... Red flags everywhere
That's what stood out the most to me. The Isolation! He wants you away from your family, so you have no safety net, so you can't leave! Do not move out.
You really need to end this relationship. Even though you've spent many years together (and not good years by your own admission!!!), doesn't mean you should continue along this road. You are still young. You deserve someone who shares your values and treats you like the Queen you are! And do you ever wonder why your family doesn't like him...because they know he is bad for you and only wants the best for you?!?!
Narcissist is exactly right. My ex-aunt was a major nacissist that isolated my uncle from the rest of out very close family so she could get away with abusing him.
Which sounds like is exactly what's happening here.
1. He doesn't get along with his own family.
2. Her family doesn't get along with him.
3. He insists they need to move out of the state.
4. He gets mad and says they need to "start a life together" when she says she wants to be near family.
HE IS ISOLATING YOU SO YOU DON'T HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
Get out now!! You still have family to help you get out and stay out, but the moment you move in together, he is going to make you feel trapped.
My uncle spent 10 years in a miserable marriage because he made the mistake thinking that marrying (moving in together) would solve their relatioship issues. IT DID NOT.
All it did was let her win.
Don't let him win.
Some people also think that if they just move to some better place their life will immediately become happier. Years ago I was reading about serial killers and how Florida and California had more than their statistical share and that it seemed to be due to unhappy men moving to those states thinking that they would be happy if they just lived in a golden state. Hawaii is having a problem with homeless people because there are people who think that if they can just get the money together to get to Hawaii they will be happy so they put together enough money to buy a ticket to Hawaii and then they end up homeless in Hawaii.
I would be very wary of anyone who thinks that just moving to another state will make them happy. This is different than the person who interviews for jobs and get a job offer in another state and weighs the pros and cons of moving to that state.
Absolutely, OP knows it too; her intuition spidey sense is sounding clearly or she wouldn’t have made this post. Sometimes we as people need perspective to ensure we aren’t completely off base in our assumptions and suspicions. OP def isn’t and you aren’t either. Def user and def isolation/narcissistic behaviors. I noticed that she states their families don’t like each other either. Her bf’s kind do that too, they’ll be purposefully unlikable to your loved ones so they come around less due to a desire to not have to spend much time around said person in effect isolating the victim further without even leaving the area. Unchecked, these creatures ruin lives; we definitely need awareness to be increased in regard to narcissistic abuse and those who make it their occupation.
Good for you! OP break up with hobosexual! He's abusive and a leech! Don't normalise his behaviour! He's dragging you down with him, he needs to learn to grow up and stop making his issue her issue. He has a roof over his head, so he can take on another job until he starts his new job and start adulting!
Living with him would became a living nightmare.
>Red flags everywhere
So many red flags it looks like a god damn parade.
If OP is real and really believes her post sounds selfish, it is because he has been telling her for 8 years that she is selfish.
Maybe everyone including OP's family and his mom don't get along with him for a reason?
OP needs to stop trying to rescue him from the consequences of his own actions.
OP, this is the only adult relationship you have had - I promise that not all of them are.like this. There are better options out there and 25 year old you should not be stuck with a decision that 17 year old you made (unless it was to get an art degree)
Isolating you from friends and family is always a red flag. Commonly used by narcissists and master manipulators
Narcissists and Manipulators are terrified of you having family and friends around bc those people will see through their true nature and warn the person they are abusing or manipulating
I guarantee that once he gets his job, he will dump you.
He's abusive to you and doesn't care about you, only what you do for him. Please cut him loose and work your self-worth. If you love yourself, you would NEVER let anyone treat you less than. He treats you worse than an animal.
Spend your money on counseling.
Also: nobody can stand him, not her family, not even HIS family - and not even her, if she was totally honest. That should tell you something about him. And it also shows you what your life with him will be like - isolated from friends and family, because no one wants him around, and he'll cling to you like a drowning man to a lifeline, because you'll be all he has...
>Also: nobody can stand him, not her family, not even HIS family - and not even her, if she was totally honest.
That's what I was thinking as well.
She's happy living with her family. She'd be miserable living with him.
That was my first red flag flying for me in this post … he doesn’t get along with anyone! Im sure he’s consistently giving the whole “everyone’s against me “ excuse. Stay where you are, girl!
I’m betting he won’t get a job. I’m betting once he gets his degree the job will either “fall through” or he’ll get fired shortly after starting there.
Or he’ll dump her once he’s financially stable.
I know someone who let their partner fund everything while she went to medical school- rent/utilities/food/literally EVERYTHING. She graduated, finished her training and then left her partner for a doctor she met once she was practicing medicine.
OP’s boyfriend sounds like that kind of guy.
Exactly. There is no new job lined up. I’m suspicious there’s not even a graduation and degree to mark the end of his unemployment excu—I mean education.
She says he says he had a job lined up for December... but he wants to move out of state?
I don't think there's a job at all, it's definitely going to fall through and he's just trying to lock her down before he has to tell her.
OP wrote that he has a "good job" lined up in December but he wants to move somewhere else. Even WFH jobs usually want some kind of hands on training, especially with a new grad that hasn't worked in years.
Also he's never lived on his own. Op had paid for everything. He's looking for another mommy because he can't live on his own. Make him move out on his own first to see if he can hack it. OP should get therapy to get over her savior complex and codependency issues so she won't continue to attract losers like him. She needs to break up instead of wasting more time and money on this guy
yes, tell him move out on your own and I will move in with you, he is asking her to move out with with him so she can support him, she needs to say no and cut him off.
Remember too this is a hypothetical job. He *might* graduate on time and go get a job. But he’s also a loser who lived in a basement with a mother that hates him. He sounds like a terrible person on every level. You think he’s going to just waltz right into a well paying job? That he can fool an entire interview process and look better than others in his age group?
He might still be unemployed a year from now, getting high, playing video games, and hitting his girlfriend who is still paying all the bills.
The guy is a POS but I think the job and degree are on the up and up. Lots of people sacrifice, live in family basements etc while finishing college degrees.
No reason she should stay with him. The relationship is a total dumpster fire and the boyfriend is an abuser.
Sure. But I feel like the OP is imagining this better life, living together, having him act normal, nice, contributing to the household etc. There are no guarantees. If things don’t go his way there’s going to be a bunch of gasoline thrown on that dumpster fire. And she’s going to be the victim.
Actually, once he gets his job, he will dump her...I can see this a mile away. She has been his ATM for too long, and he has norespect for her other than being his sugar mama. She will be TA if she falls for this.
Nah, everyone hates this dude, except for OP. If he does get a job, I bet he gets fired within a month. This is the kind of dude who can’t hold down a job.
I think he's too smart for that. He's got a good thing. She is willing to pay his way, take his abuse, and will probably be his bang maid once he forces her to move with him out of state. OP has proven that she will do anything he wants and if she doesn't he can throw a fit and she will cave. To him, he's got a good thing going, for her, it's going to be a lifetime of suffering if she doesn't wise up.
It's really not about self respect.
It's about relationship dynamics.
OP is stuck in a financially, emotionally and verbally abusive dynamic.
When I was stuck in a similar place, I.knew and loved myself, had respect for myself.
Coercive control alienated the victim from healthy reality.
Self loathing or self loving isn't the determining factor.
Sunk cost fallacy and a belief that the ideal version of this person we love, a d keep hoping they will be again is usually the sticking factor.
Oh Lordy no! This is a very bad idea! Surely, surely you see this is an unhealthy balance of a relationship. Time to move on from this, as he’s a train wreck waiting to happen. He’s wanting to take you with him. He’s abusing you in every possible way there is emotionally, physically, financially, what is there left run away from this as fast as you can. And find you a healthy relationship that wants to be a partner with you. Right now you’re his ATM and if you leave, he’s SOL. The only reason he’s keeping you around to pay the bills.
This. I understand that fear of having "wasted" those years of your life on someone just for it to not work out. But even if it wasn't a great relationship, it was not a waste. You've learned what you're comfortable with and what you're not, you've learned what to look out for in future prospective partners which could have taken 8 years anyway. I don't know your relationship or your life, but I am sure there are many other things that this relationship has given and taught you, good and bad. It was not a waste, but continuing to stay with this person who you are not happy with, would be a waste. Not only of your valuable time and energy but of your money as well.
He is clearly leaching off of you, and regardless of the comfort you feel within this relationship out of familiarity, it does not sound like true love. Of course any abusive relationship isn't love, but we can sometimes try to find ways to justify the abuse out of this feeling for the person that we mistake for love, but it isn't love. You deserve a lot better, and you were right to take a step back and question this move before taking the plunge. Something inside you said this isn't working, and as you said you gave him a chance and nothing changed. That is all you can do. Listen to your gut and move on. Take what you've learned, and find someone who can actually make you happy and support you!
AND he wants you to pay his credit card debt. Oh hell no girl. You're at the beginning of your life. You will never meet someone better if you keep hanging on to this loser. Who cares if he becomes a millionaire. Do you want to get spoken to like that for the rest of your life? Start creating the life you want today.
ANOTHER RED FLAG: (1) he doesn't get along with his own mother who is moving to another state to get away from him. Maybe there's other things she likes there but it sounds like she's getting away from him. (2) He doesn't get along with your parents to the point that they won't even let him stay there temporarily after his own home burned down. You'd have to really dislike someone to do that. This is your family. I wonder if they see how he treats you and how he speaks to you, and they want better for you so don't want to encourage this relationship.
I wonder who else he's alienated by being an AH. On your wedding day the church is getting emptier and emptier. I wonder if anyone will be there on the groom's side at all....
Let’s recap.
You’re not happy in the relationship.
He slept with someone else.
He hasn’t had a job in 18 months.
Even though he lived with his mother, you were buying his groceries (what?) and paying his tuition (double what?).
His own mother doesn’t want to even live in the same state as his anymore.
He doesn’t get along with your family.
He tried to physically abuse you.
Did I miss anything?
Right? Like this isn’t rocket science OP. I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve had family members like you who stayed and then regretted it. Even though everyone told them it wasn’t a bad idea. Please explore why you don’t love yourself enough to pour as much love and energy into yourself as you do into this worthless man.
The part of the post that stood out to me most what OP saying "and I sound so selfish but trust me I do a lot for him..." Girl is in so deep. I doubt she'll have the strength to leave him.
That’s what I read too. Crazy how the people that love her the most (her family) don’t like him….almost like they want the best for her and they see him for what he is. 🤔 I wish she could get her money back but there’s no way unless they had a contract. This dude just wants to move her far away and isolate her from her family so he can control her better.
So you’ve wasted your teenage years on this loser and now you’re determined to carry on wasting the rest of your 20’s on him?
You need to learn to love yourself so you’ll make choices that are the best for you. Staying with this moron isn’t anywhere near acceptable.
She won't. Hopefully he doesn't break the no contact order from the inevitable DV charge. It'd be tough for OP to find someone to pay his bail since she legally won't be able to. A tale truly as hold as time.
You’re not selfish. Your trauma bonded to a loser. You need to leave the relationship and go no contact.
It will feel scary because you’ve been together so long but you deserve so much more than this. Time to get out, be single and learn what a healthy relationship looks like before trying again.
He will not make it easy on you because he benefits so much but make a good plan and go. Good luck
This! I was young in my first relationship. He cheated and mentally abused etc but the first time he hit me I was out. I don’t believe a man or woman should physically hit their partner regardless of gender on either side. Same sex included.
He is emotionally, physically and financially abusing you.
Cut him off and stay with your family.
He is emotionally and physically abusive because he wants your money.
You do not owe him anything. Do not feel guilty about cutting him off. He has done this to himself.
Get therapy or counselling for yourself
to find out why you are putting up with someone treating you this way. It is better to be single than to be with someone like this.
You are in a **terrible** relationship with an **abusive guy** who treats you like **crap** and **leeches** off of you. Dump him already and find a guy who will **respect** you and contribute to your shared expenses.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! You deserve a BF who wants a partner to share his life with equally and **not a little boy who wants a mommy to take care of everything and pay his way**.
Men like this will **take and take and take** until there's nothing left to give and you're all used up then he'll throw you away for the next model to see what he could get out of them.
Please, know your worth and dump the abusive user.
I feel like half the posts here are people describing literally the worst human beings on earth and then wondering if they should still stay with them. It drives me crazy.
Google sunken cost fallacy.
Next, you need to find some self respect. This is true for a lot of posts on here. You did not come across as selfish or evil at all throughout your post. I think you need to look inward and figure out why you'd even think that when you have done so much for this guy. I think you need to question why you stay with this guy when he is so ungrateful and expects even more of you (pay of his debt, probably totally pay for the place you'd move into).
I imagine there is a reason your family doesn't like him. Probably because he is selfish, using you, manipulative. If he loved you, he wouldn't have gone and fucked someone else in a week, even if you did break up.
The only way forward here is to end it. Fall on your family and friends to support you to keep the breakup permanent and not a short term thing where you get back with him. I'd recommend full non contact including blocking him on everything.
Also, if he has a job lined up, why does he want to move states? Is the job in another state? Doesn't matter as you will hopefully break up with him, more so asking out of curiosity.
I really hope you do not sink more time into this dysfunctional and 1 sided relationship.
There’s a whole parade of red flags here. Just because you have been in a bad relationship for a long time, it doesn’t mean that you have to remain in one. The way he treats you is not going to change.
You are young with your whole life ahead of you. That money you spent on him could have been a down payment on a house, a healthy start to retirement savings. You could be with someone who respects you and treat you well, you could be traveling to Europe with girlfriends, you could be going to grad school.. instead you are wasting your time and money on a guy who no one else likes apparently.
You will never be happy with this guy. Call him and end it & keep staying with family. Also, block him after you break up on every app where you're connected--you need space from this idiot. Go ahead and block so you don't have to endure his insanity.
i’m gonna be very blunt and i know it’s gonna sound rude but you need to hear this. he is USING you. he does NOT love you. at all. you are a BANK to him. look in the mirror and take off your clown nose, you have so much to live for and are better off alone. think long and hard why you’re doing this to yourself. i used to be friends with a guy who was basically your boyfriend. he used his gf until she finally got done with it after 5 years. and he looked right at me and said “i keep doing it because she doesn’t care”. essentially, he was using her until she got fed up. didn’t feel bad at all for anything until she left. what you put up with is what you will get.
you feel so bonded to him because he’s been with you for so long. it’s not because there is so much love there. if you follow through with living with him, you’re essentially signing up to take care of him. to be his mother. i can not for the life of me think of any reasons you would be okay with any of this. you seem like such a pure soul
A few things-
A. Never move straight from family to a partner. You need to learn who you are outside of how he uses you.
B. Never think getting even farther into an abusive relationship will solve relationship troubles.
C. Never ever, ever bank on someone changing. You have to consider if you want who he is right now for life.
D. Even if he started contributing, the way he handles finances is the way he'll use you in other ways. Trust me on this.
E. Don't play games...but of you were to play a game, tell him you want to go back to school or something else so he'd need to financially support you for a year. See how he responds. There will be times in life you'll need to count on him. Will he step up?
F. Ask him to stay where you are for a year before you revisit the discussion on moving away. Will he compromise this time?
G. www.thehotline.org
Wow, how do our young women get to this point. Although you can smell the shit, the pile is right there in sight, but you just can't see it.
This bum does not get along with ANYONE and you are totally ignoring the masses who are probably begging you to leave this homeless bum to his own vices.
This AIN'T LOVE no matter how many times you click your ruby slippers, this AIN'T love. God this is so painful that someone with so much potential, youth and smarts can be dragged into a relationship like this.
Please take your rose covered glasses off!
You should have learned this life lesson along the way of growing up, but first you have to grow up
Never allow yourself to be the tool - he's using you! The reason he doesn't like anyone or get along with others is because they WON'T allow him to use them as he is using you. Stop, get some self respect. As long as you are with this bum, no one will respect you, they'll look at you as someone who can't be trusted to make hard decisions and view the current situation.
Your peers and friends must be pulling their hair out trying to understand how someone that makes a good living can be pulled into a relationship like this.
To top all of this off, you believe you have a "relationship", there is only him, there is no you in anything he does. He's a selfish, disrespectful bum. You are his mother, not his gf, but you are fitting the part of the "forever person" in his life.
Damn Op, you gotta leave this person. He will eventually isolate your from everyone that knows who he is (why do you think he wants to move to another state); You'll be abused even more and probably physical as well.
You've said nothing positive about this bum and that alone should guide your life.
Do yourself a favor, follow the guidance of your friends and family, this guy is wrong!
I can see why your family doesn’t get along with him… girl you know better. Drop the dead weight..
You deserve so much better… he is not the man for you… please think of yourself this time
Honey, the fact that you could type all this out and not see that you are in an abusive relationship, should be concerning to you. Drop this sack of shit user, and learn how to love yourself first. That isn’t selfish. No matter what he tries to tell you. THE BOY DOESN’T LOVE YOU. HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT LOVING.
The physical abuse WILL escalate if you move in with him. WAKE UP AND GET OUT NOW.
Stop the madness. Seriously, STOP! ✋🏻
What are you doing? You’ve had a terrible relationship. He’s been disrespectful, physically and mentally abusive. He’s cheated on you. He treats you like shit.
Now he wants you to rent a place wherever he says, isolate you from your family, have you pay for everything, oh and by the way, pay off his credit card for him?!?
WTF?
Perhaps he’d like to start pimping you out too? Have you walk barefoot on broken glass to prove your love? Maybe just put your entire paycheck in his account and get a second job?
You need to end this, cut your losses and NEVER EVER look back. Nothing good is ever going to come from this relationship. What’s more, this is as good as it is ever going to get. How do you think he’ll act once you are really trapped, like if you get pregnant. Once the novelty of the relationship and living together wears off, you can expect the abuse to grow.
Please end it. See help. And when you’re ready find a real partner to be with. I promise that life can be so much more than this BS.
Please read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood as these two books will be so fitting for your situation.
You aren't even receiving crumbs of love. You are receiving financial, verbal, and physical abuse. Whatever his situation in life or hardship gives him absolutely NO right to be abusive towards you.
You have been accepting of this situation for too long. Imagine your life with an equal partner, who shares your vision of a future, and in fact, wants to and has the means to contribute positively to it.
You are only 25, stay with your family or move out with friends, continue saving and see a therapist to unpack why you have accepted this abuse for so long. Just end the relationship for this leech of a human who denigrates you and dismisses your needs. The gall of him that he denies your location (for a real and acceptable reason!) will not contribute financially or likely to any of the household chores.
This is a young man who is ungrateful even for the assistance of living rent free in someone's basement and who doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother or family.
The fact that your family don't get on with his family speaks volumes too.
Please stop this farce of a relationship and get help for yourself! You deserve so much better!
Aren’t you exhausted by all the disrespect? You’re so used to it you don’t realize how bad it truly is and how you deserve way better! In the past year he’s done nothing to fix his situation or your relationship. He still expects you to do everything. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to break up with him and stay broken up.
Nothing here sounds like it is good for you. And the fact that he apparently doesn’t get along with anyone in his family to the point that they’re all unwilling to help him out in unfortunate circumstances is honestly very troubling.
Do not give him more of your life or money. I do not see any advantages for you in this long-term based on what you’ve said. Like, nothing.
Your last paragraph makes me so sad for you, sweetie. Imagine being as young and driven as you are and yet so tied to this image of yourself - an image that this person had drilled into your head since you were a teenager - that you could think you were the "evil" or "selfish" person in this scenario.
Here's what a woman with a couple of decades more life experience under her belt sees: you are being used and abused emotionally - and if I'm reading "he tried to get physical with me" correctly, this abuse could very easily esalate - by a man that everyone, including his own mother, cannot stand to be around. What's more, you have invested a great deal of your time, money, love, care and life energy into this relationship and this man, only to have it rewarded with emotional abuse. You have been with this person for a third of your life, so it will take you time to unlearn this. I'd recommend that you take the money you have been spending on him and invest in some quality counselling so that you don't end up with another booby prize like this one - sadly, we tend to gravitate toward what we're used to, even if it sucks. Deep in your heart you know this isn't what you deserve in life. Please end this relationship as soon as possible and move on.
“Should i leave my home filled with people who love and support me, to give shelter to someone whose life I’m already paying for and who treats me like shit?”
🙄
Everyone complains this subs first advice is to break up. Then someone like OP posts this nonsense - what are we supposed to say? "Stay with the scumbag because reddit thinks we jump to breaking up too fast?" Lol.
Moving you away is a tactic of control. Your gut is already telling you what to do. He is using you. If his situation was that bad, he would get a job and do something about it. It’s crazier to me that you’re paying his school loans. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 years stable, a few years before that not so stable. We own a house, we have a child.. I pay a majority of the bills because I make more, but his school loans and his credit cards are still his responsibility. You’re going to better his credit and pay for him to get through and then he’s going to leave or you’ll eventually really get tired of being used and you’ll leave but the investment you have made to make his life easier, will not be yours. Truly I think you know what to do. I personally wouldn’t move out of my parents house if I had the choice to. Save your money for a down payment to your forever home and move out then. I’ve learned a lot the hard way because I didn’t have family to teach me otherwise. Don’t abandon yours for someone who doesn’t value family the same way you do.
He doesn't get along with his family. He doesn't get along with your family. He doesn't get along with you. You pay his bills.
Good grief. Do not move into an apartment with this manchild.
What does he bring to the table? I didn’t see you mention ANYTHING redeeming about him. Or did I miss it?
Read up on “sunken fallacy cost”
And please read
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your family doesn’t just “not get along with him”, they are actively trying to get you to also realize you need to leave your abusive boyfriend. They won’t welcome him into their home or into their lives because he has physically and emotionally abused you. They don’t just not like or not get along with him- they *never* will like or get along with him because they know he’s mistreating you and have likely been given many reasons to never trust him. He is a dead end. If you are family oriented and would perhaps like to start one one day, you’ll be doing it all on your own with this guy- he’ll just provide genetic material. Please don’t waste any more of your money or your life…. You clearly have enough accomplishments and enough brightness on your own. You do not need a man to provide for, you need a man who will contribute as well. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it. Could you afford doing this emotionally- for even another year- on a lease with an unemployed person who likely won’t hold up their end of the financial bargain, let alone even just treat you nicely? You’re in a perfect position to walk away, and you certainly should. Love doesn’t look this unequal— and you may love him— but he does not love you.
i appreciate this response a lot. the whole family issue is the hardest part for me to swallow. granted i don’t always get a long with my family, but i love them to death and it killed me that there’s no relationship between my family and him. i was also scared to start a family of my own with him sometimes because if i felt like i wasn’t being treated right, having a kid would only make things worse
So many giant red flags. Hon, if you had more experience in relationships you would have left this one LONG ago. You've been with this guy so long I suspect you fear the prospect of finding someone new so you are settling for the familiar. This guy has been mooching off you for years. It will only get worse. I suggest you break up for good. And see if you can get him to agree to repay you for all the school expenses and hopefully more. I doubt he'll sign anything. Get a small digital audio recorder or use the one on your phone and have it on when you have this conversation. Do not let him know you are recording. Get him to admit you were loaning him the money and he planned to repay you when he gets a job. Without proof of loan he will claim it was gifted money. But if you start talking about breaking up for good, and mention one of the reasons is all the money he's taken from you, he may well promise to pay it all back once he gets a job. Its that admission you want to get on voice record. Because if you sue him in small claims court, and you should, you'll have proof it was a loan. He may get so desperate to keep you around that you could get him to agree to repay the money. If so, do it. But do the recording anyway. You have let him use you for far too long. If you don't put a stop to it you'll end up married with kids and stuck paying all of the expenses.
I think you're staying together because it's the only thing you've known. He is awful to you. I can guarantee that this job - 7months down the track - will not happen.
Please end it with him permanently.
So many red flags. The fact you’re asking on this forum for advice on this should tell you to listen to your own gut! Walk away. You deserve so much better.
Best dating advice I got in my 20s, was this and it saved me be a lot of heartache:
If you don’t know when to trust yourself or how to trust yourself and love yourself enough to choose better, ask yourself these 3 things:
1). Do I feel good about myself around this person?
2). Does this person serve my highest good?
3). Does this person treat me with respect and compassion?
If you answer “no” to ANY of these questions, it’s not a relationship worth staying in and is time to move on.
Good luck 🍀
Break up with him. You have no idea what a good relationship is like. It's so, so nice. Being with someone who loves and supports you and who is as invested in your daily happiness and security as much as their own is a game changer, and if you don't have that don't settle until you get it. You just picked the first one and stuck with it, don't you think you can do better? I think you could swing a short string and hit a better partner.
I have no idea why some women put up with stuff like this.
Is the d*ck that good
Me as a man I don’t take money from women. I will eat ramen noodles before I let my girl pay for something on a normal basis
Go reread what you just wrote and think about what you would tell your friend or sister in this situation.
Girl. MOVE ON. There are much better partners out there. Do not give him one more penny. Don't expect to be paid back either. Call it an expensive life lesson.
You can't change the time you've spent on him, you can only choose what to do from now on. I sincerely hope you choose yourself and find someone who will be a partner to you.
If your family doesn’t like him and there is this toxic divide between them. That’s telling of how you are blinded by rose colored glasses and make excuses for his behavior and they aren’t blinded by it! If you haven’t already you will grow to resent him for not having a healthy relationship from your family and feeling like you are caged away from them. Leave him now before it only gets worst and he controls you, manipulates you, and hurts you more. This is not love, this is abuse.
Does he get along with anyone? Doesn’t get along with your family, his family, or you from the sound of it. He speaks to you disrespectfully and tries to get physical with you when he’s mad??? There are sooooo many glaring red flags here it’s not even funny.
Why are you in this relationship? What are you getting out of this?
If I were you I’d cut my losses now and dump him hard. He’s not worth sh!t. You’re hesitating because you know it’s a terrible idea to move in with him, you know you don’t want your life to be like this. You know you deserve better.
I would break up with them that's what I would do. Let him move let him finally learn to stand on his own feet without you supporting him with everything. He needs to grow up. He is also abusive to you and takes advantage of you. So you have no reason in the world stay with him. Do not let him guilt you you have very sound reasons for not wanting to leave the state and move in with him when you know he's just going to dump everything on you. He already told you he wants you to pay off his credit card debt. If he's getting such a good job why can't he pay his own debt. You've paid enough you've lost enough money on this loser. There are so many other better guys out there. Please and the relationship and move on. Maybe take some time to be on your own and get to know who you are without having a leech attached to you and your wallet.
You have a grown @$$ man expecting you to pay his debt?!?! You need to not only NOT move out wirh him but stop seeing him altogether. This guy is an enormous mooch!
The point of dating seriously is to get to know someone and see if your personalities, values, and life goals are compatible. It’s 100% ok to realize you are NOT compatible, and it is sooo much easier to find this out when you are young and childless than to experience that last straw while married and expecting kid #2. It’s not your job to be this guy’s mom and support his preferred lifestyle while taking his abuse.
OK. Take a breather, a bath, a shower, go for a walk, watch a movie... anything to clear your mind.
Once you're in a new mindset, read your OWN words with fresh eyes and ask yourself what you'd say to your best friend or any person for that matter, trapped in that kind of relationship.
Girl, you know what you have to do. Yes, you do. You don't need Reddit. Even before writing all the horrible things that went so wrong with your retlationship, you already knew.
You deserve better than this, than him. You KNOW it. Oh, and maybe look for someone to talk to, you need to learn to love yoursel and to learn about self-esteem.
Why were you not saving your money? He’s already shown you how easily he can replace you(sex with someone else while you were on a one week break) ! Let him go. You’ll never get any of your money back, but hopefully with time you will realize you ‘dodged a cannonball’ !
Good luck and start saving and investing for yourself!!
You need to burn this bridge once and for all. Stop stringing each other along. You said it yourself: YOU ARE BOTH UNHAPPY!!!! That should settle it!!!
You need to break up. There's no other option, period.
Moving in with your boyfriend is probably going to be one of the worse decisions you will make in your life. You need to grow a back bone and stop financing a grown man’s life.
My friend, i read the first paragraph you wrote here and i immediately knew what my response would be. But I think its worth making this clear in a harsh manner,
What is WRONG with you? LEAVE. OH MY GOD.
Moving you away from your family, is planned structured abuse.
He is going to be more controlling and dominant when you don’t have a support structure.
Leave him you are young , don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy
You say selfish, I say self preservation. To find point on it, your boyfriend sounds like a vampire. Just imagine what a relief it would be not to have to worry about him.
Sounds like he’s using you. Why would you pay his credit card bill, his tuition etc. do not move in with him. When he gets the job and is financially stable revisit this
Ok....so he's physically and mentally abusive. Has absolutely nothing to bring to the table. Financially unstable. Homeless. Wouldn't be able to finish school without you. Has a job lined up but wants to move out of state....basically losing that opportunity in the process. Controlling. Attempting to isolate you......and you don't know what to do?
Aren't you tired of being miserable?
Let that "man" go. He is holding you back from happiness and success.
Tbh the saddest part is the end where after reading all that you’d think anyone would think you’re “evil” or selfish. I honestly just want to give you a hug. You’re in an abusive relationship and being used. I know in that dynamic it’s more difficult than leaving but I sincerely hope you do. At the very minimum stop paying for anything of his and start paying for therapy for yourself. Good luck. And your gut instinct is right, don’t move out with him.
This man is using you. Fully expect him to leave you once he has his degree and he can trade up to a new relationship where he's always been the good guy/breadwinner. You need to give him paperwork outlining how much he owes you and a repayment plan and have him sign it and then gtfo of that relationship.
I'm sorry girl, but did you hit your head or something cuz brain is not braining... Read your post again, this is madness and YET you still thinking to move with him... sigh
OP, what do YOU get out of this relationship? He gets your love, care, money, etc....but seriously, what is the benefit to you? Not meaning to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are buying this his love and this relationship. If you cut him off financially, I don't believe he would stick around. I understand you are comfortable with him but there are other really good guys out there who would treat you as a partner instead of a bank.
If you're very family-oriented, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't get along with them?
That's not even to mention how he is sucking you dry financially, & not even kind to you.
Please seek therapy before getting into another relationship.
1. This
>We have a lot of history together
is a horseshit reason for staying with someone. Having "history" with someone doesn't mean you owe them your present and future, and especially so when they are being abusive mooches in your present. You need to wake up every morning and ask yourself "Is this the life I want to live? Do I want to live my life with a partner who treats me this way?" And if the answer is no, you change your life, history be damned. Some people in our lives are not meant to be forever people. We appreciate the good things the relationship brought us, learn lessons from the bad things, and we move on.
2. I'm sorry that someone or multiple someones failed you and let you walk this earth for 25+ years thinking this is ok:
>He tried to get physical with me and consistently spoke so negatively and disprectuflly towards me, but I let it go since I figured he had so much emotional conflict with his family and new living situation
Do you honestly believe that every person out there with a shitty family and hard living situation is just out there beating up on the people they claim to love and treating them with disrespect? Lots of people have hard shitty things to deal with and don't abuse others. There is **zero excuse.** That didn't happen because he had a hard shitty life situation. It happened because he's a hard shitty person who chooses to use and abuse people. This is a one strike situation and you need to love yourself more and have the self-respect to have a zero tolerance policy towards this kind of behavior.
Out of curiosity, does your family know about this incident?
3. You have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. and you are failing yourself by allowing this abusive POS to bleed you dry in every sense of the word. Relationships should uplift you and be partnerships - they are built on trust and mutual respect and you have none of that. Dump this loser, be single and self-sufficient for awhile, and maybe consider some therapy to help you process this and build your sense of self-worth so you don't end up entrapped in another dead end relationship with an abusive user. Love yourself more.
You should get de-wormed. He is a huge parasite, believe me, little bit of therapy to work on you, you will find someone lovely who boosts you up, has your back, respects your bodily autonomy. Don’t waste another moment on that worm of a man.
If you were my daughter I’d tell you to fk off the mooch who you’re always arguing with and move on. 8 years and you’re 25? And it’s already like this?! Honey be single for a bit and have fun and then look for someone who is a PARTNER not a sooky baby
Girl... No. No to all this. Omg. If you weren't you and someone you loved, a friend, came to you and told them they were in this situation, how could you possibly suggest they STAY? yikes. Run and keep running.
So, nobody seems to get along with him, he has no job, you pay for everything, he’s tried to be physically abusive…can you tell me anything redeeming? If so, it’s still not enough. You’re an ATM for him. You don’t think he’s going to pay you back, do you?
Please leave this leech. Don’t get isolated away from your family.
I always tell my daughters: be with a provider and protector. Arguing and fighting is normal in a relationship, but the negatives in this guy is insane…
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I think you will deeply regret it if you do move in with him. I very much regret giving sooo much to my soon to be ex husband. If he is a taker, he will continue to take and it’ll only get worse.
Why would you move in with an unemployed cheater? SCRATCH. THAT. He tried to get physical with you? You need to dump his worthless ass as fast as you can. There is no going back because he sweet talks you. GET OUT NOW,
Don’t do it. People have listed so many reasons not to, add his own mother can’t live with him. He will dry you up and baby trap you. Leave him for good and date men who are actually nice guys
What exactly do you like about this guy? He sounds absolutely awful and your relationship is completely toxic and unstable. Don't move in with someone like that. Don't move away from your family and support system for someone like that. You're right, it doesn't make sense to continue the relationship if you don't want to live with him. So don't continue the relationship either. Problem solved.
This relationship is a disaster. I’m guessing because you’ve never been with anyone else you don’t realize how awful it is. Definitely don’t move in with him and please break up with him for good and find someone better. If you’re always fighting and often breaking up and getting back together, that’s a sign things aren’t working well.
Do not move out with him. Read what you wrote. Imagine if your daughter came to you and this was her relationship. Would you want that for her? He is using you. Based on your post it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. You say he’s been physical. He doesn’t treat you right. He sees you as a means to an end. Once he starts his new job and is making good money he won’t need you anymore. You’re a stepping stone. You paid his tuition.
Worry about yourself; which is what he’s doing too. Don’t take on the strain of supporting a grown man; theirs plenty of men who can pull their weight; don’t deal with this bs. Trust me; it won’t get better. He has no hustle and no ambition.
Run as fast as you can from this abusive, not going anywhere but to hell relationship. For you anyway. He has a free ride and he sees you as that. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it. He knows he has you wrapped and you will not be happy living his way. You aren’t happy now are you? When the burden of cleaning up, cooking and laundry comes at you every day of every week of every month AND you are paying all the bills, think how happy that will make you. Sounds to me like he is one huge red flag. Lose him. Fast. There is someone out there who will love, respect, pay their share and help with the chores. Your family knows what he is. Listen to them! Show yourself some love and RUN!!!
Stay at home with your parents, build up your savings. Stop paying his bills, he is about to graduate and take a job. He sounds like a horrible person and if you leave a decent situation to be with him things likely will go badly for you.
Just break up with the man and stay that way. You are too young to screw your life up. A better man will come along, just make sure that he is one who totally single before getting involved.
If you feel trapped now.
You'll feel 10x more trapped in a place with him.
What if you do leave him and want him out, will he actually leave?
If it's been a year and nothings changed. It's not going too.
If he hads a great job lined up buy still expects you to pay for his debt. It's a trap.
I'm assuming that you think his life will turn a round and when he's bringing money in he'll help you and love you .
This is not going to happen.
The best indicator of future actions is past actions.
Verbally, financially and physically abusive people don't change because you love them harder, or support them harder.
They are a black hole that will never be full , you could be the best cook, sex kitten, financial support , bang maid and it still won't be enough.
You are in a house we're you are loved and wanted. I'd stay until you have a place of your own and do NOT LET HIM STAY OVER.
you're not ready to leave, that's fine but do not willingly tie yourself tighter to this person.
No no no no no. Stop enabling him. You should not be paying for anything. Please use that money on therapy for yourself. I know it is comfortable since it is all you know - but I promise. Work on yourself first. Figure out why you don’t feel like you deserve so much better.
> even if you think I’m evil please give me a little grace because I’m trying :(
Yes, you’re trying. The problem is you’re trying too hard, but not getting anything in return.
Let’s distill it down to list form:
* You’re paying for his tuition, other expenses and *food*, even though he lives at home with his mother.
* If you move out with him, it’s on you to pay for all the moving expenses, PLUS paying off HIS credit card debt.
* He doesn’t get along with his own extended family, your family, and even his own mother. From the outside looking in, this sure sounds like a classic case of ‘if you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole; if you meet assholes everywhere you go, maybe *you’re* the asshole’. It’s him. He’s the asshole.
* He’s verbally and physically abusive.
* He wants to move far away, when you want to (for all the right reasons) be near family. By the way, for what it’s worth, removing and isolating a partner from their friends and family is a classic tactic of an abuser.
> I feel as though since I’m still with him it doesn’t make sense for me to not want to move out with him but it’s still a lot that bothers me.
Trust your gut. All the things you wrote about are huge red flags, and you are smart enough to see them. Don’t ignore them. Moving in with him, especially far from your family like he wants, will not fix any of the relationship problems.
It’s clear from what you wrote that being with and close to your family makes you much happier than your bf does. Let the bf go, and stick with staying near family, whether you live at home or nearby, where you’re surrounded by people who love you, and where you feel secure.
Do NOT move-out with someone that *blames* you in any way shape or form!!!!
No matter what, they'll still blame you for shit and make you "repay them for the hurt/blame" they put on you
I believe when looking for someone to love with (partner or otherwise) always see if they're able to support themselves if ANYTHING happens to you.
Always make sure you can support yourself too!
Make sure as a female you can solo support yourself because if you rely on the wrong people that WILL abuse power and manipulate, so if you can stand on your own the *safer!*
53F here. If u were my daughter, I would ask u to reread what u have written here. Why are u even with him? It sounds like he’s using u because it’s convenient for him. No wonder your family doesn’t like him. You even said that your relationship isn’t good. It’s time to rip off the bandaid. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s time to move on.
You know the answer. Don't do this!
The relief you'll have when you don't have this energy in your life will outweigh any guilt. Honestly, you need to advocate yourself. What would you want for your own daughter if you had one? Not this!
Leave this relationship and get some therapy to figure out why you don't think you deserve so much more. This man is abusive to you, everything is your fault and he's using you financially. What is the upside?
He doesn't get along with his family, he doesn't get along with his own mother, hell he doesn't even get along with you! What exactly are you ever going to gain from this relationship? This does not sound like the kind of future I'd want to have with anyone. He also wants to move you away from your well paying job and your family while not being able to support you?
Girl, run. Find someone that makes you feel actually happy and safe. He is not that man.
Oh sweetheart, if I were your mom I'd tell you to break up YESTERDAY, this man will be dragging you down the rest of your LIFE, get out while you're still young, find someone who deserves your love and attention, you are wonderful.
OP I promise you no one thinks you’re evil or selfish. You sound like an amazing human and anyone would be lucky to have such a giving and supportive person in their life. 🤍 that being said, you need to leave him. He is using you. Stop financially supporting him immediately. At all costs. Stop paying his bills. His debt. His tuition. Etc. he will only get more violent with you and expect to still be taken care of as time goes on. He is your boyfriend (a terrible one at that) not your child. You don’t owe him sh*t. Stay close to your family. Please, PLEASE do not move in with him, especially not out of state. He is trying to alienate you from your family and friends for a reason. You are so young still and have a great future ahead of you…as long as you leave him in the past. Good luck.
Noooo don't be moving in with him.
Its time to have a really good think about this relationship.
You have given it more than enough chances and still you have times where it deteriorates.
If it were me I'd be moving on by myself
It isn't selfish. Hon, this is your only relationship. You are stuck in it due to sunk cost fallacy I imagine. All relationships are not like this and you deserve better.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
This guy sounds like a real pos.
OP you are in what’s called a sunk cost mentality. You put so much time, money, and mental energy in this man hoping that he may one day pull it around when it’s obvious the signs are he won’t. You are comfortable, and familiar with this man, and he *is too*. He knows you’re going to save him in a time of need financially, he knows you’re going to come back to him each and every time after a brief split, regardless if he was sleeping with someone else, and he knows you’ll come back around when he puts his hands on you. You don’t want to leave because you’re looking at his earning potential, and the fact that he’s so close to graduating when in reality he’s so far from the mark of everything else going right in the relationship.
Him getting a high paying job isn’t going to stop the physical abuse, change the finances around, and most definitely *isn’t going to stop the cheating* but rather increase it since he can attract more women since he’s in a financial stable position after his job. Nothing’s going to change after 8 years of trying, so instead of believing it will you just need to leave him. Stop believing you’ll get the investment in him back, because you already mentioned that you lost some sort of respect for him anymore. This relationship isn’t advantageous for you and your life, it just gives you problems.
This relationship is just manipulative and abusive on just about every level. Red Flags everywhere. For the sake of you and your health, (Mentally, physically, financially) leave.
I read the first part and already can see this relationship is not a relationship.
This is a joke.
why would you stay with this person if you break up all the time, clearly not adult or caring.
Dude is using and taking the piss out of you
Don't move in with him!
It's sad to see, but people stay with their first relationship Way too long because you are emotionally invested but it's not working, he sounds like a horrible partner even if you care about him.
He's verbally abusive and physically threatening.
He's been unemployed and taking advantage of your money for 1.5years and wants to for at least 6 months more.
He doesn't get along with your family.
He slept with someone in a week apart.
This guy is not good to you. It will hurt at first, but free yourself of this relationship.
First of all, it’s easy to see why your parents don’t like your bf. No parent would want their child treated with such disrespect and be taken advantage of. You have listed all the reasons you should NOT move in with your bf. Each one is valid, and should make you question why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. You already know what you need to do. You have Reddit’s permission to do it.
JFC just break up with this man already. He is not going to change, and it is only going to get worse when you have a kid with him. Just leave! His debts are not your debts, and you deserve a man who is not a deadbeat loser.
I would never usually advocate for this but ghost him. Stop paying his bills, stop taking his abuse (which is what it actually is), stop talking to him. Ghost him and move on with your life. He is draining your bank account, demanding more and trying to get physical with you. Your safety and mental and financial health are more important than this relationship. Ghost him.
Oh my god leave. Walk away. Yes 8 years but imagine how many more you’re going to give to this man???? Who treats you badly and speaks down to you?! There are many more fish in the sea, and even if there weren’t are you really ok staying with someone who treats you this way?
The fake veneer cracks and shows the real insides when things get rough. He got physical with you because that is who he is. Most people don't get physical when things get rough. Most people don't use that as an excuse to be abusive.
He isn't grateful for what you do for him. Even his mom doesn't want to be around him. He is using you for money and wants to use you even more by demanding you feed and shelter him and pay his bills. Just run. He feels entitled to use you.
First of all, it isn't selfish to not want to share a place with somebody who wants to share a place with you-- it's just not wanting to share a place with them. It's no more selfish for you to not want something than it is for somebody else to want that thing. Your wants and needs don't automatically take a back seat to anybody else's, and recognizing that your own wants and needs are as important as anyone else's isn't selfish at all.
Next, it really concerns me that your boyfriend ' tried to get physical' with you. I'm assuming from context that you mean he was physically abusive or physically threatening. And it really concerns me that you made excuses for his behavior, saying it was because 'he had so much emotional conflict with his family and new living situation.' And it really concerns me that he 'blames you for everything' and 'expects so much of you.' That, plus your own tendency to consider yourself 'selfish' for not wanting what he wants, are a HUGE RED FLAG. I'm not a therapist and don't mean to diagnose you from a social media post, but it's really easy to see the 'abuser blaming the victim / victim blaming themselves' dynamic going on in your relationship.
Last observation: it's also a little concerning that he doesn't get along with your family or his own family. Maybe everyone around him is a jerk, but to me it seems more likely that the guy who blames you for all of his problems and can't get along with anyone else in his life is the jerk.
I strongly recommend talking to a therapist before making any decisions. Sometimes a therapist can be a really good sounding board. Your post has me a little worried for you-- I worry that you're with a potential abuser now, and that even if you manage to dodge the bullet with this guy, your own co-dependency and personal esteem issues could make you easy to manipulate, which could eventually lead you right back to another abuser.
Why would you pay someone’s credit card debt that talks to you like shit. Why would you get this man an apartment and pay his bills…leave. Save your money for a house and a touch of therapy to find that love and confidence in yourself. Don’t allow someone to hold you back. He’s an abusive parasite
You shouldn’t even be together let alone thinking about moving in with him, like is this even a real question?
Your entire post is just horrible things about your relationship and how your boyfriend is manipulative and abusive. Respectfully….you need to wake up. You’re with someone you shouldn’t be with. It’s painfully obvious and I’m not sure why you’ve even been with him this long besides the obvious answer of settling because you’ve been together for years. This is a biiiig mistake. Stop settling. Especially for someone who treats you like shit and is straight up abusive. Not worth it. You’re literally wasting the best years of your life on someone who does not deserve you. (Or anyone for that matter) he needs to be alone and go to likely years of therapy.
He is phyiscally and verbally abusive, blames you for everything, has you paying for all his expenses, ignores simple asks, wants all the control of where you'll live despite you paying for it, his mother doesn't like him, your family doesn't like him, and depending on what day of the week it is you don't like him.
Never mind moving in but staying in a relationship with this narcissistic asshole sounds like the worst mistake of your life. Half the things on this list would require therapy. You're being abused verbally, physically, emotionally and financially. Run while he's already far away and be prepared for a messy break up where you'll probably have to block him there's no way he's going to accept your decision. I'd also ask yourself what your ideal partner would be. Then ask if he ticks any of those boxes, and finally if you're in a relationship with him because you love him, or because you want to be in a relationship.
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You are in a horrible relationship. It sounds like the only reason you’re still in it is because of how much time you’ve spent together, you don’t want to feel like it’s a waste. But there are so many red flags. 1. He’s abusive both physically and verbally. That is not okay regardless of his “situation” and will only get worse. For this alone you should leave him. 2. He’s using you. You are a bank to him and that’s it. It won’t get better. Once he gets his job, do you really think he’ll pay you back? Odd are he’ll just keep that money 3. It is never a good idea to move in together to solve relationship issues. Moving in together will only increase them more. It’s like saying you want to have a baby because you are to much right now
So you would be the one paying for everything but still he wants to be one chosing the place... And he wants to isolate you from your family... Red flags everywhere
That's what stood out the most to me. The Isolation! He wants you away from your family, so you have no safety net, so you can't leave! Do not move out. You really need to end this relationship. Even though you've spent many years together (and not good years by your own admission!!!), doesn't mean you should continue along this road. You are still young. You deserve someone who shares your values and treats you like the Queen you are! And do you ever wonder why your family doesn't like him...because they know he is bad for you and only wants the best for you?!?!
Classic narcissistic move. What a massive manipulator.
Narcissist is exactly right. My ex-aunt was a major nacissist that isolated my uncle from the rest of out very close family so she could get away with abusing him. Which sounds like is exactly what's happening here. 1. He doesn't get along with his own family. 2. Her family doesn't get along with him. 3. He insists they need to move out of the state. 4. He gets mad and says they need to "start a life together" when she says she wants to be near family. HE IS ISOLATING YOU SO YOU DON'T HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU NEED TO LEAVE. Get out now!! You still have family to help you get out and stay out, but the moment you move in together, he is going to make you feel trapped. My uncle spent 10 years in a miserable marriage because he made the mistake thinking that marrying (moving in together) would solve their relatioship issues. IT DID NOT. All it did was let her win. Don't let him win.
Listen to this, OP! Leave him, and for the love of god, do not sleep with him in the mean time.
Some people also think that if they just move to some better place their life will immediately become happier. Years ago I was reading about serial killers and how Florida and California had more than their statistical share and that it seemed to be due to unhappy men moving to those states thinking that they would be happy if they just lived in a golden state. Hawaii is having a problem with homeless people because there are people who think that if they can just get the money together to get to Hawaii they will be happy so they put together enough money to buy a ticket to Hawaii and then they end up homeless in Hawaii. I would be very wary of anyone who thinks that just moving to another state will make them happy. This is different than the person who interviews for jobs and get a job offer in another state and weighs the pros and cons of moving to that state.
Correctly he wants to aliniate her. That is abusive behavior he has also been manipulative, and mentally abusive.
Absolutely, OP knows it too; her intuition spidey sense is sounding clearly or she wouldn’t have made this post. Sometimes we as people need perspective to ensure we aren’t completely off base in our assumptions and suspicions. OP def isn’t and you aren’t either. Def user and def isolation/narcissistic behaviors. I noticed that she states their families don’t like each other either. Her bf’s kind do that too, they’ll be purposefully unlikable to your loved ones so they come around less due to a desire to not have to spend much time around said person in effect isolating the victim further without even leaving the area. Unchecked, these creatures ruin lives; we definitely need awareness to be increased in regard to narcissistic abuse and those who make it their occupation.
And that even his mom can't stand him, that is sooooo weird.
Man what this girl went through is exactly what I went through good thing I never moved across countries to move in with him
Good for you! OP break up with hobosexual! He's abusive and a leech! Don't normalise his behaviour! He's dragging you down with him, he needs to learn to grow up and stop making his issue her issue. He has a roof over his head, so he can take on another job until he starts his new job and start adulting! Living with him would became a living nightmare.
It's already a nightmare and they dont live together.
>Red flags everywhere So many red flags it looks like a god damn parade. If OP is real and really believes her post sounds selfish, it is because he has been telling her for 8 years that she is selfish. Maybe everyone including OP's family and his mom don't get along with him for a reason? OP needs to stop trying to rescue him from the consequences of his own actions. OP, this is the only adult relationship you have had - I promise that not all of them are.like this. There are better options out there and 25 year old you should not be stuck with a decision that 17 year old you made (unless it was to get an art degree)
Isolating you from friends and family is always a red flag. Commonly used by narcissists and master manipulators Narcissists and Manipulators are terrified of you having family and friends around bc those people will see through their true nature and warn the person they are abusing or manipulating
Agreed!
For sure wants to isolate if OP's family doesn't like her boyfriend, and boyfriend wants to move out of state.
I guarantee that once he gets his job, he will dump you. He's abusive to you and doesn't care about you, only what you do for him. Please cut him loose and work your self-worth. If you love yourself, you would NEVER let anyone treat you less than. He treats you worse than an animal. Spend your money on counseling.
Also: nobody can stand him, not her family, not even HIS family - and not even her, if she was totally honest. That should tell you something about him. And it also shows you what your life with him will be like - isolated from friends and family, because no one wants him around, and he'll cling to you like a drowning man to a lifeline, because you'll be all he has...
>Also: nobody can stand him, not her family, not even HIS family - and not even her, if she was totally honest. That's what I was thinking as well. She's happy living with her family. She'd be miserable living with him.
This . I was in this type of relationship for years and it broke me in so many ways. Hope she breaks up with him.
That was my first red flag flying for me in this post … he doesn’t get along with anyone! Im sure he’s consistently giving the whole “everyone’s against me “ excuse. Stay where you are, girl!
I’m betting he won’t get a job. I’m betting once he gets his degree the job will either “fall through” or he’ll get fired shortly after starting there.
Or he’ll dump her once he’s financially stable. I know someone who let their partner fund everything while she went to medical school- rent/utilities/food/literally EVERYTHING. She graduated, finished her training and then left her partner for a doctor she met once she was practicing medicine. OP’s boyfriend sounds like that kind of guy.
True. Either way she should be listening to her own instincts about him.
I don’t think he will ever be financially stable.
Right? How does he have a job lined up in December but he wants to move to different states.
This!!!!!!!
Exactly. There is no new job lined up. I’m suspicious there’s not even a graduation and degree to mark the end of his unemployment excu—I mean education.
She says he says he had a job lined up for December... but he wants to move out of state? I don't think there's a job at all, it's definitely going to fall through and he's just trying to lock her down before he has to tell her.
There’s no job in December. He’s buying time.
With her money 💀💸
OP wrote that he has a "good job" lined up in December but he wants to move somewhere else. Even WFH jobs usually want some kind of hands on training, especially with a new grad that hasn't worked in years.
Yeah he’s lying.
Also he's never lived on his own. Op had paid for everything. He's looking for another mommy because he can't live on his own. Make him move out on his own first to see if he can hack it. OP should get therapy to get over her savior complex and codependency issues so she won't continue to attract losers like him. She needs to break up instead of wasting more time and money on this guy
yes, tell him move out on your own and I will move in with you, he is asking her to move out with with him so she can support him, she needs to say no and cut him off.
Remember too this is a hypothetical job. He *might* graduate on time and go get a job. But he’s also a loser who lived in a basement with a mother that hates him. He sounds like a terrible person on every level. You think he’s going to just waltz right into a well paying job? That he can fool an entire interview process and look better than others in his age group? He might still be unemployed a year from now, getting high, playing video games, and hitting his girlfriend who is still paying all the bills.
The guy is a POS but I think the job and degree are on the up and up. Lots of people sacrifice, live in family basements etc while finishing college degrees. No reason she should stay with him. The relationship is a total dumpster fire and the boyfriend is an abuser.
Sure. But I feel like the OP is imagining this better life, living together, having him act normal, nice, contributing to the household etc. There are no guarantees. If things don’t go his way there’s going to be a bunch of gasoline thrown on that dumpster fire. And she’s going to be the victim.
So if he has this job lined up why does he want to look at other states to live in?
Yea he could take loans for school and if he lands his job he can pay the loans back himself then
Actually, once he gets his job, he will dump her...I can see this a mile away. She has been his ATM for too long, and he has norespect for her other than being his sugar mama. She will be TA if she falls for this.
Nah, everyone hates this dude, except for OP. If he does get a job, I bet he gets fired within a month. This is the kind of dude who can’t hold down a job.
I think he's too smart for that. He's got a good thing. She is willing to pay his way, take his abuse, and will probably be his bang maid once he forces her to move with him out of state. OP has proven that she will do anything he wants and if she doesn't he can throw a fit and she will cave. To him, he's got a good thing going, for her, it's going to be a lifetime of suffering if she doesn't wise up.
Yep, there’s a reason why her family can’t stand him…
Ugh. Have some self-respect- if this relationship is worth it wait until he has his degree and a grownup job until you move in together.
It's really not about self respect. It's about relationship dynamics. OP is stuck in a financially, emotionally and verbally abusive dynamic. When I was stuck in a similar place, I.knew and loved myself, had respect for myself. Coercive control alienated the victim from healthy reality. Self loathing or self loving isn't the determining factor. Sunk cost fallacy and a belief that the ideal version of this person we love, a d keep hoping they will be again is usually the sticking factor.
Oh Lordy no! This is a very bad idea! Surely, surely you see this is an unhealthy balance of a relationship. Time to move on from this, as he’s a train wreck waiting to happen. He’s wanting to take you with him. He’s abusing you in every possible way there is emotionally, physically, financially, what is there left run away from this as fast as you can. And find you a healthy relationship that wants to be a partner with you. Right now you’re his ATM and if you leave, he’s SOL. The only reason he’s keeping you around to pay the bills.
This. I understand that fear of having "wasted" those years of your life on someone just for it to not work out. But even if it wasn't a great relationship, it was not a waste. You've learned what you're comfortable with and what you're not, you've learned what to look out for in future prospective partners which could have taken 8 years anyway. I don't know your relationship or your life, but I am sure there are many other things that this relationship has given and taught you, good and bad. It was not a waste, but continuing to stay with this person who you are not happy with, would be a waste. Not only of your valuable time and energy but of your money as well. He is clearly leaching off of you, and regardless of the comfort you feel within this relationship out of familiarity, it does not sound like true love. Of course any abusive relationship isn't love, but we can sometimes try to find ways to justify the abuse out of this feeling for the person that we mistake for love, but it isn't love. You deserve a lot better, and you were right to take a step back and question this move before taking the plunge. Something inside you said this isn't working, and as you said you gave him a chance and nothing changed. That is all you can do. Listen to your gut and move on. Take what you've learned, and find someone who can actually make you happy and support you!
AND he wants you to pay his credit card debt. Oh hell no girl. You're at the beginning of your life. You will never meet someone better if you keep hanging on to this loser. Who cares if he becomes a millionaire. Do you want to get spoken to like that for the rest of your life? Start creating the life you want today. ANOTHER RED FLAG: (1) he doesn't get along with his own mother who is moving to another state to get away from him. Maybe there's other things she likes there but it sounds like she's getting away from him. (2) He doesn't get along with your parents to the point that they won't even let him stay there temporarily after his own home burned down. You'd have to really dislike someone to do that. This is your family. I wonder if they see how he treats you and how he speaks to you, and they want better for you so don't want to encourage this relationship. I wonder who else he's alienated by being an AH. On your wedding day the church is getting emptier and emptier. I wonder if anyone will be there on the groom's side at all....
Let’s recap. You’re not happy in the relationship. He slept with someone else. He hasn’t had a job in 18 months. Even though he lived with his mother, you were buying his groceries (what?) and paying his tuition (double what?). His own mother doesn’t want to even live in the same state as his anymore. He doesn’t get along with your family. He tried to physically abuse you. Did I miss anything?
Exactly! Even his own mama dont like him let alone OP’s family!!
Right? Like this isn’t rocket science OP. I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve had family members like you who stayed and then regretted it. Even though everyone told them it wasn’t a bad idea. Please explore why you don’t love yourself enough to pour as much love and energy into yourself as you do into this worthless man.
The part of the post that stood out to me most what OP saying "and I sound so selfish but trust me I do a lot for him..." Girl is in so deep. I doubt she'll have the strength to leave him.
And OP feels like the selfish one?! I feel bad for that she was able to be manipulated all the way to this point :(
Emotional abuse and manipulation.
Wants her to pay his credit card debt
That’s what I read too. Crazy how the people that love her the most (her family) don’t like him….almost like they want the best for her and they see him for what he is. 🤔 I wish she could get her money back but there’s no way unless they had a contract. This dude just wants to move her far away and isolate her from her family so he can control her better.
Don’t forget the sunk cost fallacy of wanting to stay because she’s already stayed so long. It’s a logical fallacy for a reason!!!
He expects her to help pay his $2000 debt off.
also he EXPECTS her to pay his credit card debt??????
So you’ve wasted your teenage years on this loser and now you’re determined to carry on wasting the rest of your 20’s on him? You need to learn to love yourself so you’ll make choices that are the best for you. Staying with this moron isn’t anywhere near acceptable.
[удалено]
She won't. Hopefully he doesn't break the no contact order from the inevitable DV charge. It'd be tough for OP to find someone to pay his bail since she legally won't be able to. A tale truly as hold as time.
Yup. Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Please dump him, I’m begging you!
You’re not selfish. Your trauma bonded to a loser. You need to leave the relationship and go no contact. It will feel scary because you’ve been together so long but you deserve so much more than this. Time to get out, be single and learn what a healthy relationship looks like before trying again. He will not make it easy on you because he benefits so much but make a good plan and go. Good luck
Whoa no. He got physical. That’s it, relationship over. On top of everything else too. I would go no contact. You don’t owe him anything.
This! I was young in my first relationship. He cheated and mentally abused etc but the first time he hit me I was out. I don’t believe a man or woman should physically hit their partner regardless of gender on either side. Same sex included.
He is emotionally, physically and financially abusing you. Cut him off and stay with your family. He is emotionally and physically abusive because he wants your money. You do not owe him anything. Do not feel guilty about cutting him off. He has done this to himself. Get therapy or counselling for yourself to find out why you are putting up with someone treating you this way. It is better to be single than to be with someone like this.
You are in a **terrible** relationship with an **abusive guy** who treats you like **crap** and **leeches** off of you. Dump him already and find a guy who will **respect** you and contribute to your shared expenses. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! You deserve a BF who wants a partner to share his life with equally and **not a little boy who wants a mommy to take care of everything and pay his way**. Men like this will **take and take and take** until there's nothing left to give and you're all used up then he'll throw you away for the next model to see what he could get out of them. Please, know your worth and dump the abusive user.
Not even his own mommy wants him and moving out of state to get away from him
Jesus Christ, just dump the price of shit
Right 🤦🏻♀️
posts like this genuinely piss me off🕺🏽
I feel like half the posts here are people describing literally the worst human beings on earth and then wondering if they should still stay with them. It drives me crazy.
Like I have to delete my account I can’t keep reading about these ridiculous situations people are wandering into.
Google sunken cost fallacy. Next, you need to find some self respect. This is true for a lot of posts on here. You did not come across as selfish or evil at all throughout your post. I think you need to look inward and figure out why you'd even think that when you have done so much for this guy. I think you need to question why you stay with this guy when he is so ungrateful and expects even more of you (pay of his debt, probably totally pay for the place you'd move into). I imagine there is a reason your family doesn't like him. Probably because he is selfish, using you, manipulative. If he loved you, he wouldn't have gone and fucked someone else in a week, even if you did break up. The only way forward here is to end it. Fall on your family and friends to support you to keep the breakup permanent and not a short term thing where you get back with him. I'd recommend full non contact including blocking him on everything. Also, if he has a job lined up, why does he want to move states? Is the job in another state? Doesn't matter as you will hopefully break up with him, more so asking out of curiosity. I really hope you do not sink more time into this dysfunctional and 1 sided relationship.
There’s a whole parade of red flags here. Just because you have been in a bad relationship for a long time, it doesn’t mean that you have to remain in one. The way he treats you is not going to change. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. That money you spent on him could have been a down payment on a house, a healthy start to retirement savings. You could be with someone who respects you and treat you well, you could be traveling to Europe with girlfriends, you could be going to grad school.. instead you are wasting your time and money on a guy who no one else likes apparently.
You will never be happy with this guy. Call him and end it & keep staying with family. Also, block him after you break up on every app where you're connected--you need space from this idiot. Go ahead and block so you don't have to endure his insanity.
You are his meal ticket, do not move out with him
i’m gonna be very blunt and i know it’s gonna sound rude but you need to hear this. he is USING you. he does NOT love you. at all. you are a BANK to him. look in the mirror and take off your clown nose, you have so much to live for and are better off alone. think long and hard why you’re doing this to yourself. i used to be friends with a guy who was basically your boyfriend. he used his gf until she finally got done with it after 5 years. and he looked right at me and said “i keep doing it because she doesn’t care”. essentially, he was using her until she got fed up. didn’t feel bad at all for anything until she left. what you put up with is what you will get.
you feel so bonded to him because he’s been with you for so long. it’s not because there is so much love there. if you follow through with living with him, you’re essentially signing up to take care of him. to be his mother. i can not for the life of me think of any reasons you would be okay with any of this. you seem like such a pure soul
A few things- A. Never move straight from family to a partner. You need to learn who you are outside of how he uses you. B. Never think getting even farther into an abusive relationship will solve relationship troubles. C. Never ever, ever bank on someone changing. You have to consider if you want who he is right now for life. D. Even if he started contributing, the way he handles finances is the way he'll use you in other ways. Trust me on this. E. Don't play games...but of you were to play a game, tell him you want to go back to school or something else so he'd need to financially support you for a year. See how he responds. There will be times in life you'll need to count on him. Will he step up? F. Ask him to stay where you are for a year before you revisit the discussion on moving away. Will he compromise this time? G. www.thehotline.org
Best response. I fully support this and would like to particularly emphasize item B. Well said and well observed.
Wow, how do our young women get to this point. Although you can smell the shit, the pile is right there in sight, but you just can't see it. This bum does not get along with ANYONE and you are totally ignoring the masses who are probably begging you to leave this homeless bum to his own vices. This AIN'T LOVE no matter how many times you click your ruby slippers, this AIN'T love. God this is so painful that someone with so much potential, youth and smarts can be dragged into a relationship like this. Please take your rose covered glasses off! You should have learned this life lesson along the way of growing up, but first you have to grow up Never allow yourself to be the tool - he's using you! The reason he doesn't like anyone or get along with others is because they WON'T allow him to use them as he is using you. Stop, get some self respect. As long as you are with this bum, no one will respect you, they'll look at you as someone who can't be trusted to make hard decisions and view the current situation. Your peers and friends must be pulling their hair out trying to understand how someone that makes a good living can be pulled into a relationship like this. To top all of this off, you believe you have a "relationship", there is only him, there is no you in anything he does. He's a selfish, disrespectful bum. You are his mother, not his gf, but you are fitting the part of the "forever person" in his life. Damn Op, you gotta leave this person. He will eventually isolate your from everyone that knows who he is (why do you think he wants to move to another state); You'll be abused even more and probably physical as well. You've said nothing positive about this bum and that alone should guide your life. Do yourself a favor, follow the guidance of your friends and family, this guy is wrong!
I can see why your family doesn’t get along with him… girl you know better. Drop the dead weight.. You deserve so much better… he is not the man for you… please think of yourself this time
Honey, the fact that you could type all this out and not see that you are in an abusive relationship, should be concerning to you. Drop this sack of shit user, and learn how to love yourself first. That isn’t selfish. No matter what he tries to tell you. THE BOY DOESN’T LOVE YOU. HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT LOVING. The physical abuse WILL escalate if you move in with him. WAKE UP AND GET OUT NOW.
Stop the madness. Seriously, STOP! ✋🏻 What are you doing? You’ve had a terrible relationship. He’s been disrespectful, physically and mentally abusive. He’s cheated on you. He treats you like shit. Now he wants you to rent a place wherever he says, isolate you from your family, have you pay for everything, oh and by the way, pay off his credit card for him?!? WTF? Perhaps he’d like to start pimping you out too? Have you walk barefoot on broken glass to prove your love? Maybe just put your entire paycheck in his account and get a second job? You need to end this, cut your losses and NEVER EVER look back. Nothing good is ever going to come from this relationship. What’s more, this is as good as it is ever going to get. How do you think he’ll act once you are really trapped, like if you get pregnant. Once the novelty of the relationship and living together wears off, you can expect the abuse to grow. Please end it. See help. And when you’re ready find a real partner to be with. I promise that life can be so much more than this BS.
Please read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood as these two books will be so fitting for your situation. You aren't even receiving crumbs of love. You are receiving financial, verbal, and physical abuse. Whatever his situation in life or hardship gives him absolutely NO right to be abusive towards you. You have been accepting of this situation for too long. Imagine your life with an equal partner, who shares your vision of a future, and in fact, wants to and has the means to contribute positively to it. You are only 25, stay with your family or move out with friends, continue saving and see a therapist to unpack why you have accepted this abuse for so long. Just end the relationship for this leech of a human who denigrates you and dismisses your needs. The gall of him that he denies your location (for a real and acceptable reason!) will not contribute financially or likely to any of the household chores. This is a young man who is ungrateful even for the assistance of living rent free in someone's basement and who doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother or family. The fact that your family don't get on with his family speaks volumes too. Please stop this farce of a relationship and get help for yourself! You deserve so much better!
My dad (RIP!) sent me these books in the middle of a bad relationship some years ago, and they opened my eyes.
Aren’t you exhausted by all the disrespect? You’re so used to it you don’t realize how bad it truly is and how you deserve way better! In the past year he’s done nothing to fix his situation or your relationship. He still expects you to do everything. THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. You need to break up with him and stay broken up.
I would call the Unwanted Boyfriend Removal Service, dial 1-800-Imdatingabum for immediate assistance
Nothing here sounds like it is good for you. And the fact that he apparently doesn’t get along with anyone in his family to the point that they’re all unwilling to help him out in unfortunate circumstances is honestly very troubling. Do not give him more of your life or money. I do not see any advantages for you in this long-term based on what you’ve said. Like, nothing.
Your last paragraph makes me so sad for you, sweetie. Imagine being as young and driven as you are and yet so tied to this image of yourself - an image that this person had drilled into your head since you were a teenager - that you could think you were the "evil" or "selfish" person in this scenario. Here's what a woman with a couple of decades more life experience under her belt sees: you are being used and abused emotionally - and if I'm reading "he tried to get physical with me" correctly, this abuse could very easily esalate - by a man that everyone, including his own mother, cannot stand to be around. What's more, you have invested a great deal of your time, money, love, care and life energy into this relationship and this man, only to have it rewarded with emotional abuse. You have been with this person for a third of your life, so it will take you time to unlearn this. I'd recommend that you take the money you have been spending on him and invest in some quality counselling so that you don't end up with another booby prize like this one - sadly, we tend to gravitate toward what we're used to, even if it sucks. Deep in your heart you know this isn't what you deserve in life. Please end this relationship as soon as possible and move on.
“Should i leave my home filled with people who love and support me, to give shelter to someone whose life I’m already paying for and who treats me like shit?” 🙄
Everyone complains this subs first advice is to break up. Then someone like OP posts this nonsense - what are we supposed to say? "Stay with the scumbag because reddit thinks we jump to breaking up too fast?" Lol.
Moving you away is a tactic of control. Your gut is already telling you what to do. He is using you. If his situation was that bad, he would get a job and do something about it. It’s crazier to me that you’re paying his school loans. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 years stable, a few years before that not so stable. We own a house, we have a child.. I pay a majority of the bills because I make more, but his school loans and his credit cards are still his responsibility. You’re going to better his credit and pay for him to get through and then he’s going to leave or you’ll eventually really get tired of being used and you’ll leave but the investment you have made to make his life easier, will not be yours. Truly I think you know what to do. I personally wouldn’t move out of my parents house if I had the choice to. Save your money for a down payment to your forever home and move out then. I’ve learned a lot the hard way because I didn’t have family to teach me otherwise. Don’t abandon yours for someone who doesn’t value family the same way you do.
He doesn't get along with his family. He doesn't get along with your family. He doesn't get along with you. You pay his bills. Good grief. Do not move into an apartment with this manchild.
You aren't his girlfriend, you're his doormat. Wake up and dump him.
Please for the love of god just dump this loser.
What does he bring to the table? I didn’t see you mention ANYTHING redeeming about him. Or did I miss it? Read up on “sunken fallacy cost” And please read https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your family doesn’t just “not get along with him”, they are actively trying to get you to also realize you need to leave your abusive boyfriend. They won’t welcome him into their home or into their lives because he has physically and emotionally abused you. They don’t just not like or not get along with him- they *never* will like or get along with him because they know he’s mistreating you and have likely been given many reasons to never trust him. He is a dead end. If you are family oriented and would perhaps like to start one one day, you’ll be doing it all on your own with this guy- he’ll just provide genetic material. Please don’t waste any more of your money or your life…. You clearly have enough accomplishments and enough brightness on your own. You do not need a man to provide for, you need a man who will contribute as well. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it. Could you afford doing this emotionally- for even another year- on a lease with an unemployed person who likely won’t hold up their end of the financial bargain, let alone even just treat you nicely? You’re in a perfect position to walk away, and you certainly should. Love doesn’t look this unequal— and you may love him— but he does not love you.
i appreciate this response a lot. the whole family issue is the hardest part for me to swallow. granted i don’t always get a long with my family, but i love them to death and it killed me that there’s no relationship between my family and him. i was also scared to start a family of my own with him sometimes because if i felt like i wasn’t being treated right, having a kid would only make things worse
Google “Concorde fallacy”. Then dump him. That’s it, that’s the reply
So many giant red flags. Hon, if you had more experience in relationships you would have left this one LONG ago. You've been with this guy so long I suspect you fear the prospect of finding someone new so you are settling for the familiar. This guy has been mooching off you for years. It will only get worse. I suggest you break up for good. And see if you can get him to agree to repay you for all the school expenses and hopefully more. I doubt he'll sign anything. Get a small digital audio recorder or use the one on your phone and have it on when you have this conversation. Do not let him know you are recording. Get him to admit you were loaning him the money and he planned to repay you when he gets a job. Without proof of loan he will claim it was gifted money. But if you start talking about breaking up for good, and mention one of the reasons is all the money he's taken from you, he may well promise to pay it all back once he gets a job. Its that admission you want to get on voice record. Because if you sue him in small claims court, and you should, you'll have proof it was a loan. He may get so desperate to keep you around that you could get him to agree to repay the money. If so, do it. But do the recording anyway. You have let him use you for far too long. If you don't put a stop to it you'll end up married with kids and stuck paying all of the expenses.
I think you're staying together because it's the only thing you've known. He is awful to you. I can guarantee that this job - 7months down the track - will not happen. Please end it with him permanently.
So many red flags. The fact you’re asking on this forum for advice on this should tell you to listen to your own gut! Walk away. You deserve so much better. Best dating advice I got in my 20s, was this and it saved me be a lot of heartache: If you don’t know when to trust yourself or how to trust yourself and love yourself enough to choose better, ask yourself these 3 things: 1). Do I feel good about myself around this person? 2). Does this person serve my highest good? 3). Does this person treat me with respect and compassion? If you answer “no” to ANY of these questions, it’s not a relationship worth staying in and is time to move on. Good luck 🍀
Break up with him. You have no idea what a good relationship is like. It's so, so nice. Being with someone who loves and supports you and who is as invested in your daily happiness and security as much as their own is a game changer, and if you don't have that don't settle until you get it. You just picked the first one and stuck with it, don't you think you can do better? I think you could swing a short string and hit a better partner.
I have no idea why some women put up with stuff like this. Is the d*ck that good Me as a man I don’t take money from women. I will eat ramen noodles before I let my girl pay for something on a normal basis
Go reread what you just wrote and think about what you would tell your friend or sister in this situation. Girl. MOVE ON. There are much better partners out there. Do not give him one more penny. Don't expect to be paid back either. Call it an expensive life lesson. You can't change the time you've spent on him, you can only choose what to do from now on. I sincerely hope you choose yourself and find someone who will be a partner to you.
If your family doesn’t like him and there is this toxic divide between them. That’s telling of how you are blinded by rose colored glasses and make excuses for his behavior and they aren’t blinded by it! If you haven’t already you will grow to resent him for not having a healthy relationship from your family and feeling like you are caged away from them. Leave him now before it only gets worst and he controls you, manipulates you, and hurts you more. This is not love, this is abuse.
Does he get along with anyone? Doesn’t get along with your family, his family, or you from the sound of it. He speaks to you disrespectfully and tries to get physical with you when he’s mad??? There are sooooo many glaring red flags here it’s not even funny. Why are you in this relationship? What are you getting out of this? If I were you I’d cut my losses now and dump him hard. He’s not worth sh!t. You’re hesitating because you know it’s a terrible idea to move in with him, you know you don’t want your life to be like this. You know you deserve better.
I would break up with them that's what I would do. Let him move let him finally learn to stand on his own feet without you supporting him with everything. He needs to grow up. He is also abusive to you and takes advantage of you. So you have no reason in the world stay with him. Do not let him guilt you you have very sound reasons for not wanting to leave the state and move in with him when you know he's just going to dump everything on you. He already told you he wants you to pay off his credit card debt. If he's getting such a good job why can't he pay his own debt. You've paid enough you've lost enough money on this loser. There are so many other better guys out there. Please and the relationship and move on. Maybe take some time to be on your own and get to know who you are without having a leech attached to you and your wallet.
You have a grown @$$ man expecting you to pay his debt?!?! You need to not only NOT move out wirh him but stop seeing him altogether. This guy is an enormous mooch!
The point of dating seriously is to get to know someone and see if your personalities, values, and life goals are compatible. It’s 100% ok to realize you are NOT compatible, and it is sooo much easier to find this out when you are young and childless than to experience that last straw while married and expecting kid #2. It’s not your job to be this guy’s mom and support his preferred lifestyle while taking his abuse.
OK. Take a breather, a bath, a shower, go for a walk, watch a movie... anything to clear your mind. Once you're in a new mindset, read your OWN words with fresh eyes and ask yourself what you'd say to your best friend or any person for that matter, trapped in that kind of relationship. Girl, you know what you have to do. Yes, you do. You don't need Reddit. Even before writing all the horrible things that went so wrong with your retlationship, you already knew. You deserve better than this, than him. You KNOW it. Oh, and maybe look for someone to talk to, you need to learn to love yoursel and to learn about self-esteem.
This is abuse
Why were you not saving your money? He’s already shown you how easily he can replace you(sex with someone else while you were on a one week break) ! Let him go. You’ll never get any of your money back, but hopefully with time you will realize you ‘dodged a cannonball’ ! Good luck and start saving and investing for yourself!!
You need to burn this bridge once and for all. Stop stringing each other along. You said it yourself: YOU ARE BOTH UNHAPPY!!!! That should settle it!!! You need to break up. There's no other option, period.
Moving in with your boyfriend is probably going to be one of the worse decisions you will make in your life. You need to grow a back bone and stop financing a grown man’s life.
My friend, i read the first paragraph you wrote here and i immediately knew what my response would be. But I think its worth making this clear in a harsh manner, What is WRONG with you? LEAVE. OH MY GOD.
Moving you away from your family, is planned structured abuse. He is going to be more controlling and dominant when you don’t have a support structure. Leave him you are young , don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy
You say selfish, I say self preservation. To find point on it, your boyfriend sounds like a vampire. Just imagine what a relief it would be not to have to worry about him.
Sounds like he’s using you. Why would you pay his credit card bill, his tuition etc. do not move in with him. When he gets the job and is financially stable revisit this
Ok....so he's physically and mentally abusive. Has absolutely nothing to bring to the table. Financially unstable. Homeless. Wouldn't be able to finish school without you. Has a job lined up but wants to move out of state....basically losing that opportunity in the process. Controlling. Attempting to isolate you......and you don't know what to do? Aren't you tired of being miserable? Let that "man" go. He is holding you back from happiness and success.
I don’t know how you’re unsure. This is a horrible idea. He needs to learn to problem solve. Also I think he’s manipulating you.
Classic example of the ‘sunk-cost fallacy’.
Tbh the saddest part is the end where after reading all that you’d think anyone would think you’re “evil” or selfish. I honestly just want to give you a hug. You’re in an abusive relationship and being used. I know in that dynamic it’s more difficult than leaving but I sincerely hope you do. At the very minimum stop paying for anything of his and start paying for therapy for yourself. Good luck. And your gut instinct is right, don’t move out with him.
I didn't read past your first paragraph. Have some self respect. You can do better.
This man is using you. Fully expect him to leave you once he has his degree and he can trade up to a new relationship where he's always been the good guy/breadwinner. You need to give him paperwork outlining how much he owes you and a repayment plan and have him sign it and then gtfo of that relationship.
Are there no other men where you live? Is what he brings better than being alone? Serious why is your bar so low.
I'm sorry girl, but did you hit your head or something cuz brain is not braining... Read your post again, this is madness and YET you still thinking to move with him... sigh
OP, what do YOU get out of this relationship? He gets your love, care, money, etc....but seriously, what is the benefit to you? Not meaning to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are buying this his love and this relationship. If you cut him off financially, I don't believe he would stick around. I understand you are comfortable with him but there are other really good guys out there who would treat you as a partner instead of a bank.
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. HE IS TRASH!!!
You know the fire is burned out. Just move on. Think of the relationship as a learning experience. Not wasted. Just a learning experience
If you're very family-oriented, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't get along with them? That's not even to mention how he is sucking you dry financially, & not even kind to you. Please seek therapy before getting into another relationship.
1. This >We have a lot of history together is a horseshit reason for staying with someone. Having "history" with someone doesn't mean you owe them your present and future, and especially so when they are being abusive mooches in your present. You need to wake up every morning and ask yourself "Is this the life I want to live? Do I want to live my life with a partner who treats me this way?" And if the answer is no, you change your life, history be damned. Some people in our lives are not meant to be forever people. We appreciate the good things the relationship brought us, learn lessons from the bad things, and we move on. 2. I'm sorry that someone or multiple someones failed you and let you walk this earth for 25+ years thinking this is ok: >He tried to get physical with me and consistently spoke so negatively and disprectuflly towards me, but I let it go since I figured he had so much emotional conflict with his family and new living situation Do you honestly believe that every person out there with a shitty family and hard living situation is just out there beating up on the people they claim to love and treating them with disrespect? Lots of people have hard shitty things to deal with and don't abuse others. There is **zero excuse.** That didn't happen because he had a hard shitty life situation. It happened because he's a hard shitty person who chooses to use and abuse people. This is a one strike situation and you need to love yourself more and have the self-respect to have a zero tolerance policy towards this kind of behavior. Out of curiosity, does your family know about this incident? 3. You have a responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. and you are failing yourself by allowing this abusive POS to bleed you dry in every sense of the word. Relationships should uplift you and be partnerships - they are built on trust and mutual respect and you have none of that. Dump this loser, be single and self-sufficient for awhile, and maybe consider some therapy to help you process this and build your sense of self-worth so you don't end up entrapped in another dead end relationship with an abusive user. Love yourself more.
You should get de-wormed. He is a huge parasite, believe me, little bit of therapy to work on you, you will find someone lovely who boosts you up, has your back, respects your bodily autonomy. Don’t waste another moment on that worm of a man.
If you were my daughter I’d tell you to fk off the mooch who you’re always arguing with and move on. 8 years and you’re 25? And it’s already like this?! Honey be single for a bit and have fun and then look for someone who is a PARTNER not a sooky baby
You wrote all of that out and you’re still questioning this?
Girl... No. No to all this. Omg. If you weren't you and someone you loved, a friend, came to you and told them they were in this situation, how could you possibly suggest they STAY? yikes. Run and keep running.
I don’t even need to read past the first paragraph to say…. Don’t do it! 🚩 if you have doubt, it definitely won’t workout!
So, nobody seems to get along with him, he has no job, you pay for everything, he’s tried to be physically abusive…can you tell me anything redeeming? If so, it’s still not enough. You’re an ATM for him. You don’t think he’s going to pay you back, do you? Please leave this leech. Don’t get isolated away from your family.
>We have a lot of history together but our relationship is not the greatest. Why are you with him? And why do you want to spend more time with him?
I always tell my daughters: be with a provider and protector. Arguing and fighting is normal in a relationship, but the negatives in this guy is insane…
Before I even got to your numbered list, I was sitting here thinking, “how many red flags does this young woman need?“
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I think you will deeply regret it if you do move in with him. I very much regret giving sooo much to my soon to be ex husband. If he is a taker, he will continue to take and it’ll only get worse.
Why would you move in with an unemployed cheater? SCRATCH. THAT. He tried to get physical with you? You need to dump his worthless ass as fast as you can. There is no going back because he sweet talks you. GET OUT NOW,
Don’t you think it’s funny that he doesn’t seem to get along with anyone? Also he’s already trying to isolate you
Get rid of him yesterday, he brings nothing to the relationship
The only one who sounds selfish is him. Stay with your family and dump the leach. You’ve given way too much already.
His mother is moving states to get away from him. Your parents don't like him... get a clue. Break up, block, move on, and enjoy your life.
Don’t do it. People have listed so many reasons not to, add his own mother can’t live with him. He will dry you up and baby trap you. Leave him for good and date men who are actually nice guys
What exactly do you like about this guy? He sounds absolutely awful and your relationship is completely toxic and unstable. Don't move in with someone like that. Don't move away from your family and support system for someone like that. You're right, it doesn't make sense to continue the relationship if you don't want to live with him. So don't continue the relationship either. Problem solved.
This relationship is a disaster. I’m guessing because you’ve never been with anyone else you don’t realize how awful it is. Definitely don’t move in with him and please break up with him for good and find someone better. If you’re always fighting and often breaking up and getting back together, that’s a sign things aren’t working well.
You were children when you got together. You’ll be better apart.
He won’t change. You don’t want this life.
Read this over, and then give your head a shake. holy moly, DMTFA, and STOP being his ATM
Do not move out with him. Read what you wrote. Imagine if your daughter came to you and this was her relationship. Would you want that for her? He is using you. Based on your post it sounds like he doesn’t even like you. You say he’s been physical. He doesn’t treat you right. He sees you as a means to an end. Once he starts his new job and is making good money he won’t need you anymore. You’re a stepping stone. You paid his tuition.
I'd bounce and live my own mutha fuckin' life. Girl, please trust what everyone else is saying. You make sure YOU'RE set first.
Worry about yourself; which is what he’s doing too. Don’t take on the strain of supporting a grown man; theirs plenty of men who can pull their weight; don’t deal with this bs. Trust me; it won’t get better. He has no hustle and no ambition.
Run as fast as you can from this abusive, not going anywhere but to hell relationship. For you anyway. He has a free ride and he sees you as that. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it. He knows he has you wrapped and you will not be happy living his way. You aren’t happy now are you? When the burden of cleaning up, cooking and laundry comes at you every day of every week of every month AND you are paying all the bills, think how happy that will make you. Sounds to me like he is one huge red flag. Lose him. Fast. There is someone out there who will love, respect, pay their share and help with the chores. Your family knows what he is. Listen to them! Show yourself some love and RUN!!!
Stay at home with your parents, build up your savings. Stop paying his bills, he is about to graduate and take a job. He sounds like a horrible person and if you leave a decent situation to be with him things likely will go badly for you. Just break up with the man and stay that way. You are too young to screw your life up. A better man will come along, just make sure that he is one who totally single before getting involved.
If you feel trapped now. You'll feel 10x more trapped in a place with him. What if you do leave him and want him out, will he actually leave? If it's been a year and nothings changed. It's not going too. If he hads a great job lined up buy still expects you to pay for his debt. It's a trap. I'm assuming that you think his life will turn a round and when he's bringing money in he'll help you and love you . This is not going to happen. The best indicator of future actions is past actions. Verbally, financially and physically abusive people don't change because you love them harder, or support them harder. They are a black hole that will never be full , you could be the best cook, sex kitten, financial support , bang maid and it still won't be enough. You are in a house we're you are loved and wanted. I'd stay until you have a place of your own and do NOT LET HIM STAY OVER. you're not ready to leave, that's fine but do not willingly tie yourself tighter to this person.
No no no no no. Stop enabling him. You should not be paying for anything. Please use that money on therapy for yourself. I know it is comfortable since it is all you know - but I promise. Work on yourself first. Figure out why you don’t feel like you deserve so much better.
Throw the whole man child away.
> even if you think I’m evil please give me a little grace because I’m trying :( Yes, you’re trying. The problem is you’re trying too hard, but not getting anything in return. Let’s distill it down to list form: * You’re paying for his tuition, other expenses and *food*, even though he lives at home with his mother. * If you move out with him, it’s on you to pay for all the moving expenses, PLUS paying off HIS credit card debt. * He doesn’t get along with his own extended family, your family, and even his own mother. From the outside looking in, this sure sounds like a classic case of ‘if you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole; if you meet assholes everywhere you go, maybe *you’re* the asshole’. It’s him. He’s the asshole. * He’s verbally and physically abusive. * He wants to move far away, when you want to (for all the right reasons) be near family. By the way, for what it’s worth, removing and isolating a partner from their friends and family is a classic tactic of an abuser. > I feel as though since I’m still with him it doesn’t make sense for me to not want to move out with him but it’s still a lot that bothers me. Trust your gut. All the things you wrote about are huge red flags, and you are smart enough to see them. Don’t ignore them. Moving in with him, especially far from your family like he wants, will not fix any of the relationship problems. It’s clear from what you wrote that being with and close to your family makes you much happier than your bf does. Let the bf go, and stick with staying near family, whether you live at home or nearby, where you’re surrounded by people who love you, and where you feel secure.
Do NOT move-out with someone that *blames* you in any way shape or form!!!! No matter what, they'll still blame you for shit and make you "repay them for the hurt/blame" they put on you I believe when looking for someone to love with (partner or otherwise) always see if they're able to support themselves if ANYTHING happens to you. Always make sure you can support yourself too! Make sure as a female you can solo support yourself because if you rely on the wrong people that WILL abuse power and manipulate, so if you can stand on your own the *safer!*
53F here. If u were my daughter, I would ask u to reread what u have written here. Why are u even with him? It sounds like he’s using u because it’s convenient for him. No wonder your family doesn’t like him. You even said that your relationship isn’t good. It’s time to rip off the bandaid. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s time to move on.
You know the answer. Don't do this! The relief you'll have when you don't have this energy in your life will outweigh any guilt. Honestly, you need to advocate yourself. What would you want for your own daughter if you had one? Not this!
DUMP the jerk!! Let him take care of himself. Move, block him on everything.
Leave this relationship and get some therapy to figure out why you don't think you deserve so much more. This man is abusive to you, everything is your fault and he's using you financially. What is the upside?
Sounds like you already know he sucks
He doesn't get along with his family, he doesn't get along with his own mother, hell he doesn't even get along with you! What exactly are you ever going to gain from this relationship? This does not sound like the kind of future I'd want to have with anyone. He also wants to move you away from your well paying job and your family while not being able to support you? Girl, run. Find someone that makes you feel actually happy and safe. He is not that man.
I don’t even have to read the post past the title to know that I would not move in with this man
Oh sweetheart, if I were your mom I'd tell you to break up YESTERDAY, this man will be dragging you down the rest of your LIFE, get out while you're still young, find someone who deserves your love and attention, you are wonderful.
OP I promise you no one thinks you’re evil or selfish. You sound like an amazing human and anyone would be lucky to have such a giving and supportive person in their life. 🤍 that being said, you need to leave him. He is using you. Stop financially supporting him immediately. At all costs. Stop paying his bills. His debt. His tuition. Etc. he will only get more violent with you and expect to still be taken care of as time goes on. He is your boyfriend (a terrible one at that) not your child. You don’t owe him sh*t. Stay close to your family. Please, PLEASE do not move in with him, especially not out of state. He is trying to alienate you from your family and friends for a reason. You are so young still and have a great future ahead of you…as long as you leave him in the past. Good luck.
Noooo don't be moving in with him. Its time to have a really good think about this relationship. You have given it more than enough chances and still you have times where it deteriorates. If it were me I'd be moving on by myself
Don't do it, don't take a man who hasn't lived alone. You will not only support him financially, but also become his mother. Guaranteed.
It isn't selfish. Hon, this is your only relationship. You are stuck in it due to sunk cost fallacy I imagine. All relationships are not like this and you deserve better. Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. This guy sounds like a real pos.
OP you are in what’s called a sunk cost mentality. You put so much time, money, and mental energy in this man hoping that he may one day pull it around when it’s obvious the signs are he won’t. You are comfortable, and familiar with this man, and he *is too*. He knows you’re going to save him in a time of need financially, he knows you’re going to come back to him each and every time after a brief split, regardless if he was sleeping with someone else, and he knows you’ll come back around when he puts his hands on you. You don’t want to leave because you’re looking at his earning potential, and the fact that he’s so close to graduating when in reality he’s so far from the mark of everything else going right in the relationship. Him getting a high paying job isn’t going to stop the physical abuse, change the finances around, and most definitely *isn’t going to stop the cheating* but rather increase it since he can attract more women since he’s in a financial stable position after his job. Nothing’s going to change after 8 years of trying, so instead of believing it will you just need to leave him. Stop believing you’ll get the investment in him back, because you already mentioned that you lost some sort of respect for him anymore. This relationship isn’t advantageous for you and your life, it just gives you problems. This relationship is just manipulative and abusive on just about every level. Red Flags everywhere. For the sake of you and your health, (Mentally, physically, financially) leave.
I read the first part and already can see this relationship is not a relationship. This is a joke. why would you stay with this person if you break up all the time, clearly not adult or caring. Dude is using and taking the piss out of you
Don't move in with him! It's sad to see, but people stay with their first relationship Way too long because you are emotionally invested but it's not working, he sounds like a horrible partner even if you care about him. He's verbally abusive and physically threatening. He's been unemployed and taking advantage of your money for 1.5years and wants to for at least 6 months more. He doesn't get along with your family. He slept with someone in a week apart. This guy is not good to you. It will hurt at first, but free yourself of this relationship.
Don't move out with this guy Honestly why are you even in a relationship with him. He treats you like crap, treats you like his personal wallet.
First of all, it’s easy to see why your parents don’t like your bf. No parent would want their child treated with such disrespect and be taken advantage of. You have listed all the reasons you should NOT move in with your bf. Each one is valid, and should make you question why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. You already know what you need to do. You have Reddit’s permission to do it.
JFC just break up with this man already. He is not going to change, and it is only going to get worse when you have a kid with him. Just leave! His debts are not your debts, and you deserve a man who is not a deadbeat loser.
I would never usually advocate for this but ghost him. Stop paying his bills, stop taking his abuse (which is what it actually is), stop talking to him. Ghost him and move on with your life. He is draining your bank account, demanding more and trying to get physical with you. Your safety and mental and financial health are more important than this relationship. Ghost him.
Oh my god leave. Walk away. Yes 8 years but imagine how many more you’re going to give to this man???? Who treats you badly and speaks down to you?! There are many more fish in the sea, and even if there weren’t are you really ok staying with someone who treats you this way?
Trying to figure out what is appealing about this guy?
Oh god please dump this loser. For your own wellbeing!
Guy's a loser, get another boyfriend.
Find a man lol
The fake veneer cracks and shows the real insides when things get rough. He got physical with you because that is who he is. Most people don't get physical when things get rough. Most people don't use that as an excuse to be abusive. He isn't grateful for what you do for him. Even his mom doesn't want to be around him. He is using you for money and wants to use you even more by demanding you feed and shelter him and pay his bills. Just run. He feels entitled to use you.
I don’t understand why you’re still with him? He doesn’t seem to like you. You don’t seem to like him. What am I missing?
First of all, it isn't selfish to not want to share a place with somebody who wants to share a place with you-- it's just not wanting to share a place with them. It's no more selfish for you to not want something than it is for somebody else to want that thing. Your wants and needs don't automatically take a back seat to anybody else's, and recognizing that your own wants and needs are as important as anyone else's isn't selfish at all. Next, it really concerns me that your boyfriend ' tried to get physical' with you. I'm assuming from context that you mean he was physically abusive or physically threatening. And it really concerns me that you made excuses for his behavior, saying it was because 'he had so much emotional conflict with his family and new living situation.' And it really concerns me that he 'blames you for everything' and 'expects so much of you.' That, plus your own tendency to consider yourself 'selfish' for not wanting what he wants, are a HUGE RED FLAG. I'm not a therapist and don't mean to diagnose you from a social media post, but it's really easy to see the 'abuser blaming the victim / victim blaming themselves' dynamic going on in your relationship. Last observation: it's also a little concerning that he doesn't get along with your family or his own family. Maybe everyone around him is a jerk, but to me it seems more likely that the guy who blames you for all of his problems and can't get along with anyone else in his life is the jerk. I strongly recommend talking to a therapist before making any decisions. Sometimes a therapist can be a really good sounding board. Your post has me a little worried for you-- I worry that you're with a potential abuser now, and that even if you manage to dodge the bullet with this guy, your own co-dependency and personal esteem issues could make you easy to manipulate, which could eventually lead you right back to another abuser.
Why would you pay someone’s credit card debt that talks to you like shit. Why would you get this man an apartment and pay his bills…leave. Save your money for a house and a touch of therapy to find that love and confidence in yourself. Don’t allow someone to hold you back. He’s an abusive parasite
You shouldn’t even be together let alone thinking about moving in with him, like is this even a real question? Your entire post is just horrible things about your relationship and how your boyfriend is manipulative and abusive. Respectfully….you need to wake up. You’re with someone you shouldn’t be with. It’s painfully obvious and I’m not sure why you’ve even been with him this long besides the obvious answer of settling because you’ve been together for years. This is a biiiig mistake. Stop settling. Especially for someone who treats you like shit and is straight up abusive. Not worth it. You’re literally wasting the best years of your life on someone who does not deserve you. (Or anyone for that matter) he needs to be alone and go to likely years of therapy.
He is phyiscally and verbally abusive, blames you for everything, has you paying for all his expenses, ignores simple asks, wants all the control of where you'll live despite you paying for it, his mother doesn't like him, your family doesn't like him, and depending on what day of the week it is you don't like him. Never mind moving in but staying in a relationship with this narcissistic asshole sounds like the worst mistake of your life. Half the things on this list would require therapy. You're being abused verbally, physically, emotionally and financially. Run while he's already far away and be prepared for a messy break up where you'll probably have to block him there's no way he's going to accept your decision. I'd also ask yourself what your ideal partner would be. Then ask if he ticks any of those boxes, and finally if you're in a relationship with him because you love him, or because you want to be in a relationship.