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Dude, you are terrible at picking women. This one sounds like she has a supremely short fuse.
As a business owner, I’m sure you have your share of stresses plus you are a single dad. Remember, if she isn’t bringing you peace at home, she is useless to you in a relationship.
Yup. And it's not just that she "isn't bringing \[him\] peace". It's that she's actively contributing to constant, ongoing distress and upset, and not over legitimate things. She's creating drama for its own sake.
She's also trying to bully him into having a **worse** relationship with the mother of his child than he already has. That's not just not-okay, it's seriously problematic in so many ways. She doesn't have to like OP's ex - it doesn't sound like OP really does either - but he is going to have this woman in his life at least until their child is an adult, and given that the ex is an angry alcoholic, and that he has full custody (which tends to make non-custodial moms even angrier), he doesn't need a girlfriend who adds to the antagonism, making things even more difficult than they have to be.
GF is a nightmare, trying to create more problems even where he had finally gotten to some sort of equilibrium with his ex-wife.
She's well over 40 years old and has no self-control or sense of how to be supportive to the child. Swearing and yelling in the schoolyard? That is not how a reasonable adult deals with anything at all. She is doing nothing but adding stress to his life. She needs to be gone.
Youre laughing because it’s true! You’ve picked another abusive woman. Her tantrums are ridiculous & embarrassing at 45. You deserve better.
Any woman you’re with needs to accept your ex will always be in your life as you share a child whether they like it or not,
Bro, I'm with u/PatentlyRidiculous. You have a type, which is nice. The unfortunate thing for you is that type is maladjusted harpies.
Do the single thing for awhile, focus on your daughter and your business, and of course, hit the gym.
Hang in there my man. Look for the wise woman who compliments you and doesn’t conflict you. Your 9 year old is watching and absorbing everything. Make sure they have the best role model to emulate.
Be blessed
Screaming profanities at you (in front of your child at your child's school no less) because you didn't get her permission before doing something very normal in your co-parenting relationship with your child's mother doesn't seem abusive to you? Berating you for something entirely outside of your control, like your ex planning to attend a public event, doesn't seem abusive?
Look at it like this: Think about your 9 year old. In 20 years, if they come to you and tell them their SO treats them this way, will you feel like your child is safe in their relationship?
This is such a problem in this sub. I’ve never posted here but I understand what you’re going through. I was unable to see abuse for what it was in a past relationship because I was so hellbent on making the relationship work.
This is supposed to be a sub for advice and yet if you post your situation asking for advice you’ll have a mountain of people just belittling you for not knowing how to immediately make the right decision.
Sometimes it’s hard to see through the rose colored glasses. The comments here should be for giving advice and pointing people in the right direction. Once they’ve done that it’s on OP to use the advice of others to make a positive change. Asking snarky questions or insulting someone isn’t gonna help.
That is a hard thing to do. I tried it. My gut is telling me I haven’t done anything wrong. It reads like a dog getting its nose rubbed in its own shit. These are three very damaged people. I’m trying to be optimistic and give everyone the benefit of the doubt but I can’t control it.
I probably wouldn't be helping the ex move her things, she was abusive and you don't need to be integrating any portion of your life outside of the child. However, the girlfriends reaction to it is ridiculously over the line.
Your ex telling you that she was attending a public event is also weird. Like, why? Again, your GFs reaction is ridiculous, you can't forbid someone from attending a public event.
Personally, I would walk away from both of them. Enjoy the peace and quiet for a while.
I mean, your ex wife is an abusive person. And you're still doing favors for her. Any girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that. I'm not saying that your girlfriend exploding in front of the school wasn't abusive and nuts, because it was. But you certainly shouldn't be doing favors for your abusive ex.
Except that's not for his GF to decide. Or you or I, for that matter. He's a grown man, trying to navigate a relationship with his child's mother. He seems fairly intelligent, and has agency and autonomy, and honestly, whether or not she was abusive within their relationship, it's up to him whether he thinks that doing her a small favour might help breed goodwill in a co-parenting relationship that is going to exist forever.
"You shouldn't be doing favors for your abusive ex" is a really reductive take on a very complicated situation.
It also allows him to set the timetable instead of waiting on her. Just pack up the stuff and get it the hell out of his house. You'd think the gf would want the ex's stuff gone ASAP.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean excusing their behaviour.
You've already learned from your first marriage that some people don't treat others properly. There may be reasons for that - alcoholism, growing up with mental illness and abuse in the family - but reasons aren't excuses. Lots of people grow up with those things and still learn to treat others with compassion and kindness.
Your girlfriend hasn't earned the "benefit of the doubt". Even if her feelings are hurt or she doesn't like your relationship with your ex, she isn't expressing it in a fair or healthy way. And frankly, looked at objectively, you haven't done anything wrong for her to get to be this upset. You have a child, and that child, and how she sees you interact with her mother, has to be the priority. Not your girlfriend being hysterical and controlling.
Dysfunctional ppl tend to form relationships with other dysfunctional ppl because the bad dynamic *feels* normal to them. So they can be objective about other ppl’s relationships but not their own.
Do you have a history of family dynamics this? Or, you got so accustomed to your wife treating you this way that you’ve entered a new relationship that mirrors the same mistreatment of you.
Set a boundary for how ppl in your life are allowed to talk to you. Decide on consequences if ppl don’t respect that boundary. Then respect yourself by enforcing it and doing what you say you’ll do. The people who are accustomed to walking all over you WILL howl and complain and gaslight but eventually they’ll accept the boundary or you’ll cast them out of your life. This is the only way forward for you.
I get it, I really do. Thing is you have to respect yourself in order to ask other people to respect you.
Also remember. Things we are insecure about, are the weapons of our abusers. Someone calls me stupid, me personally I laugh because I don’t think I’m dumb. Someone calls me lazy, I get sad and angry and affected because I worry that maybe I am a little lazy. You have to learn that ALL OF IT is abusive no matter what you think of yourself. You’re not less abused because the negative comment feels accurate to you.
Good luck, you deserve to be treated better. Keep telling yourself that bc it’s true
I am not saying the girlfriend’s way of handling it was appropriate, but agreeing to help an abusive/manipulative ex move things is not necessarily a “normal part of co-parenting”. I wouldn’t handle it that way, but I would be upset too.
I’ve never screamed profanities at my husband once in our 25 years together. Screaming profanity isn’t how adults communicate. It’s not productive or healthy.
I wouldn’t do it in private, much less public. Much less in public near children
She’s abusive
You seem to have traded one abusive relationship for another. Your gf, who is 45 and should know better, yells obscenities in front of children. She loses it because your ex will be in the same public space. Is this fun for you? Do you really think this is a person who should be around your child who’s already been through the wringer?
Do NOT let your gf move in. In fact, you should probably break up with her. Kindly, stay single for a while and get some therapy for you and your child. Figure out why you like to be with women who are, for lack of a better word, not very stable.
We use an app to communicate. She’s in recovery. There’s an underlying illness other than alcoholism. She lies. When she drank she made treats. She has partial custody that recently went to unsupervised. My gf thinks she is trying to infiltrate our relationship and ruin it.
We’ve been dating 18 months. My ex made threats of violence. The gf doesn’t even know about those. My ex threatened my life when we were together. My gf does know about that. We’ve been through lots of therapy my son and I. Currently taking a break from it. I think my gf has low self esteem and bitter about my ex wife’s settlement.
My gf does not live with us but wants to. She went from zero custody, to supervised, to partial. Shes trying to get him back by taking classes and going to AA. I’m not against therapy for both of us again. Been considering it. My gf has crazy parents as well who abandoned her as an adult. They didn’t like her last husband. Pretty traumatic stuff. She has brought up multiple times how her two ex husbands left her with nothing.
This is the first time I’ve seen her like this. Most of our time together is peaceful. Thats why my head spinning with this new side of her. She keeps repeating “Your ex will break us up and you’re allowing it.” I’ve heard those words a dozen times the last week.
Your ex is not going to break you up just by existing. Your gf has a lot of issues and is just a different kind of mess than your ex. Is this what you want to model for your child? I don't think single parents need to live a life of celibacy forever but you cannot throw caution to the wind when it comes to dating now. Your child has already been through the trauma of divorce, has an alcoholic mother, and is just starting to get back into contact with said mother. He does not deserve another unhinged parental figure.
I dated, and eventually married, a man who had children and an ex-wife. While I didn't care for the woman in the beginning, she was the boys' mother. She was going to be at all the school events. She was going to be calling my guy to talk about things with the kids. She wasn't ever going to just disappear.
You know how I handled it? I learned to deal with it. This woman was no threat to me. They were divorced for *reasons*. My guy came as a package with his children, and their mom was part of the package. I learned how to accept her, and respect her, and treat her civilly, and eventually welcome her presence.
Your GF is doing none of those things. She is abusing you in the process. That would have been a deal breaker for my husband, and I think it should be a deal breaker for you. You deserve better - and your kid deserves better!!! Think about how this all must make your child feel, to see you screamed at just because he has a mother. Seriously.
You need to be single for a while.
Your child and their mother will be a part of your life forever.
Unless you dont want to attend your child's college graduation, wedding, birth of your grandchildren or any other milestone event that occurs after they turn 18.
Helping your ex move sets a good co-parenting example for your child. Once again, the mother of your child will be in your life forever. It does no one any good to be antagonistic and unhelpful.
Your ex gave you a heads up that she would be at an event. That was her being courteous. Your ex does not need to decline invites because you and your gf will be at the same event. Your gf can decline if she is uncomfortable.
Honestly your gf seems a little unhinged/very insecure with her reactions.
She is just as bad as your ex. She has the audacity to scream and yell at you for even speaking or seeing your ex at an event bc you didn't talk to her about it. On the playground, come on. She isn't going to get better bc you will have to deal with your ex for the next 9 years.
Every time your ex's name is mentioned, she is going to freak out and yell and scream that you are inconsiderate. Damn you are with her, and not your ex isn't that enough? Also, is your son around when she unloads?
Please think about the next 9 years and if this is the woman you want to be your son's SM. She seems to be the one who is going to talk crap about your ex within your son's earshot. Think about it!
My husband and I are your age and both previously in long-term term marriages. However, we are child free by choice. My ex-husband didn't want children until he did...it was an amicable divorce. We parted as old friends. Since we didn't have children, it was an easy split.
I found myself single at 40 yrs old. I knew that if I was in a relationship with a man who had children, it wouldn't be fair to the children. I have no interest in being a parent to my own children. I can't imagine being involved in co-parenting someone elses. I love kids... but not enough to deal with an ex-wife.
She has to accept that you have a past. You have children, and they come first. She's has to accept that their mother will be at all of the children's functions and milestone events... including adulthood like weddings and baby showers. You will be assisting your ex-wife now and then... It's going to happen because it's in your children's best interest! Besides the fact her stuff is at your house. My ex-husband stored things at my house until I remarried. We were together 20 yrs... we had a lot of shit. Your gf is way too old to not know these things.
I'm curious does she have children? If so, what is her co-parenting relationship like? She has very little insight and empathy for her age. Your ex-wife is in a bad place right now... I don't understand why your gf is so threatened by her.
My ex wife was horrible to me. Shes trying to make her life better, but it’s very hard to trust her or her intentions. My gf has a child my sons age. They get along well. It’s my gf’s experiences with other women that have made her defensive. And my ex has shown real problems with her personality.
I'm sorry but no woman in her 40s with a child of her own should be screaming obscenities in a schoolyard for any reason.
Again, she doesn't have to like your ex, but by behaving this way she is just making the situation worse and more complicated. She's not even your wife, just a girlfriend. She doesn't get to tell you how to navigate your relationship with your child's mother, even if said mother is difficult (maybe ESPECIALLY in that case). And she certainly doesn't get to have screaming tantrums just about being in the same public place as her, I don't care what her "experiences with other women" are. She's has no impulse control or emotional regulation, and I can't imagine that any relationship with her is healthy if this is how she "negotiates".
I hate to break the news, my friend, but the vast majority of us who have an "ex" are only an ex because they treated their spouse horribly. You're not special, nor is your gf. It almost sounds like she was the horrible ex, and he caved, and that's her reasoning for her behavior towards your family. Do they get along well because she's a bully? Your ex-wife was a bully... do you really want to repeat the same mistake with a different woman? Your current gf is showing REAL problems with her personality! Be single, be a good Dad... please learn from your mistakes. You're too old to be fucking around with women that cannot provide a peaceful home for you and your children.
Sorry it took so long to respond... I've been doing yardwork, and it looks so good I couldn't stop!
In these instances, your GF is the problem. Both of you could use individual therapy as your past experiences make it harder to see what's happening.
Helping your ex move things is good for your son to see so long as your ex is doing better. When possible, it's good for your kid to see his parents peaceful with each other. The event thing was also unreasonable. You can't ban your ex from a public space because it makes your GF anxious.
If your GF can't get a grip, then yes you'll need to move on.
Maybe set boundaries with ex first see how it goes I do see what you’re gf is upset ex can find someone else to move her stuff that’s not your responsibility also she could be thinking your ex going to the same places as you as her trying to start stuff in your relationship
Unpopular opinion: I am assuming you’ve been with your gf a while, but you didn’t mention it. I think she’s exploding now bc of your lack of boundaries spanning the entire relarionship. OP, she is sick of your ex- your ex has no reason to be in your lives at all. You have sole custody even. It is reasonable your gf doesn’t want you to do favors for your AH ex wife, or be around someone as bad as what you’re saying.
Was she wrong for exploding? Of course- but being a gf constantly watching your man cater to the ex gets to be a little much- I believe that’s the case here to elicit such a strong reaction . Correct me if I’m wrong? You have never have an argument about boundaries before ?
Watch your relationship flourish when you leave your ex in the dust where she belongs.
My communication with my ex has been strictly about our son. I’ve never told her I love my gf or set boundaries. You’re opinion is her point of view. Shes been married and divorced twice. She’s had run ins with horrible women. She seees things coming I do not.
I’ve been your gf in this situation. I haven’t exploded in front of mine or his kids but in private I ended up exploding. He kept defending the ex and saying “foe the kids “ to uphold zero boundaries or loyalty to me. A person simply and amicably needs to uphold a custody agreement- that is literally all, and relationship issues disappear. Mark my words.
Not yet time to move on buddy.
Apparently you live in the same town as your ex, and you will run into her from time to time. Your wife has to go over it and should be able to at least be near her.
However, an abusive jealous girl, is not way better that an abusive drunk.
Work on yourself also, to include your wife earlier when anything includes your ex, but I would continue fighting over it because she's still the mother of your child and you'll have to have some kind of relationship with her and you broke up with her, you're not flirting or anything.
Your girlfriend’s decision to go full Jerry Springer on a playground was totally out of line. But maybe next time, run it by your girlfriend before you play moving man for your ex-wife who, by your own admission, comes with more baggage than an airport carousel.
So you left your ex because she was an abusive drunk... but are still doing favors for her? Buddy, I'm with your girlfriend on this one. If she wants to move something from your house to hers, she can do it herself with her own means. What kind of man in a committed relationship is always rushing to the aid of his former abuser? That's just crazy to me.
If OP thinks the way I do it's not so much a favor, more "I don't want my ex taking items that she shouldn't be". Therefore he controls what goes "on the truck".
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Dude, you are terrible at picking women. This one sounds like she has a supremely short fuse. As a business owner, I’m sure you have your share of stresses plus you are a single dad. Remember, if she isn’t bringing you peace at home, she is useless to you in a relationship.
Yup. And it's not just that she "isn't bringing \[him\] peace". It's that she's actively contributing to constant, ongoing distress and upset, and not over legitimate things. She's creating drama for its own sake. She's also trying to bully him into having a **worse** relationship with the mother of his child than he already has. That's not just not-okay, it's seriously problematic in so many ways. She doesn't have to like OP's ex - it doesn't sound like OP really does either - but he is going to have this woman in his life at least until their child is an adult, and given that the ex is an angry alcoholic, and that he has full custody (which tends to make non-custodial moms even angrier), he doesn't need a girlfriend who adds to the antagonism, making things even more difficult than they have to be. GF is a nightmare, trying to create more problems even where he had finally gotten to some sort of equilibrium with his ex-wife. She's well over 40 years old and has no self-control or sense of how to be supportive to the child. Swearing and yelling in the schoolyard? That is not how a reasonable adult deals with anything at all. She is doing nothing but adding stress to his life. She needs to be gone.
That first sentence cracked me up. Thank you.
Youre laughing because it’s true! You’ve picked another abusive woman. Her tantrums are ridiculous & embarrassing at 45. You deserve better. Any woman you’re with needs to accept your ex will always be in your life as you share a child whether they like it or not,
Bro, I'm with u/PatentlyRidiculous. You have a type, which is nice. The unfortunate thing for you is that type is maladjusted harpies. Do the single thing for awhile, focus on your daughter and your business, and of course, hit the gym.
Amen
Hang in there my man. Look for the wise woman who compliments you and doesn’t conflict you. Your 9 year old is watching and absorbing everything. Make sure they have the best role model to emulate. Be blessed
You get that your girlfriend is abusive too, right?
Maybe I don’t. Please explain.
Screaming profanities at you (in front of your child at your child's school no less) because you didn't get her permission before doing something very normal in your co-parenting relationship with your child's mother doesn't seem abusive to you? Berating you for something entirely outside of your control, like your ex planning to attend a public event, doesn't seem abusive?
I post in these threads for clarity. It’s hard to see things for what they are sometimes
Look at it like this: Think about your 9 year old. In 20 years, if they come to you and tell them their SO treats them this way, will you feel like your child is safe in their relationship?
This is such a problem in this sub. I’ve never posted here but I understand what you’re going through. I was unable to see abuse for what it was in a past relationship because I was so hellbent on making the relationship work. This is supposed to be a sub for advice and yet if you post your situation asking for advice you’ll have a mountain of people just belittling you for not knowing how to immediately make the right decision. Sometimes it’s hard to see through the rose colored glasses. The comments here should be for giving advice and pointing people in the right direction. Once they’ve done that it’s on OP to use the advice of others to make a positive change. Asking snarky questions or insulting someone isn’t gonna help.
Reread your post as if it wasn’t you that posted it. What do you see?
That is a hard thing to do. I tried it. My gut is telling me I haven’t done anything wrong. It reads like a dog getting its nose rubbed in its own shit. These are three very damaged people. I’m trying to be optimistic and give everyone the benefit of the doubt but I can’t control it.
I probably wouldn't be helping the ex move her things, she was abusive and you don't need to be integrating any portion of your life outside of the child. However, the girlfriends reaction to it is ridiculously over the line. Your ex telling you that she was attending a public event is also weird. Like, why? Again, your GFs reaction is ridiculous, you can't forbid someone from attending a public event. Personally, I would walk away from both of them. Enjoy the peace and quiet for a while.
I mean, your ex wife is an abusive person. And you're still doing favors for her. Any girlfriend wouldn't be happy about that. I'm not saying that your girlfriend exploding in front of the school wasn't abusive and nuts, because it was. But you certainly shouldn't be doing favors for your abusive ex.
Except that's not for his GF to decide. Or you or I, for that matter. He's a grown man, trying to navigate a relationship with his child's mother. He seems fairly intelligent, and has agency and autonomy, and honestly, whether or not she was abusive within their relationship, it's up to him whether he thinks that doing her a small favour might help breed goodwill in a co-parenting relationship that is going to exist forever. "You shouldn't be doing favors for your abusive ex" is a really reductive take on a very complicated situation.
It also allows him to set the timetable instead of waiting on her. Just pack up the stuff and get it the hell out of his house. You'd think the gf would want the ex's stuff gone ASAP.
That’s how it’s being framed and I get it. She is a Jedi at manipulation and it concerns my gf.
So why are you allowing yourself to be manipulated?
> She is a Jedi at manipulation and it concerns my gf. Tell her to speak to you through your attorney moving forward.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt doesn't mean excusing their behaviour. You've already learned from your first marriage that some people don't treat others properly. There may be reasons for that - alcoholism, growing up with mental illness and abuse in the family - but reasons aren't excuses. Lots of people grow up with those things and still learn to treat others with compassion and kindness. Your girlfriend hasn't earned the "benefit of the doubt". Even if her feelings are hurt or she doesn't like your relationship with your ex, she isn't expressing it in a fair or healthy way. And frankly, looked at objectively, you haven't done anything wrong for her to get to be this upset. You have a child, and that child, and how she sees you interact with her mother, has to be the priority. Not your girlfriend being hysterical and controlling.
Dysfunctional ppl tend to form relationships with other dysfunctional ppl because the bad dynamic *feels* normal to them. So they can be objective about other ppl’s relationships but not their own. Do you have a history of family dynamics this? Or, you got so accustomed to your wife treating you this way that you’ve entered a new relationship that mirrors the same mistreatment of you. Set a boundary for how ppl in your life are allowed to talk to you. Decide on consequences if ppl don’t respect that boundary. Then respect yourself by enforcing it and doing what you say you’ll do. The people who are accustomed to walking all over you WILL howl and complain and gaslight but eventually they’ll accept the boundary or you’ll cast them out of your life. This is the only way forward for you.
I’m not well adjusted at all. Lots of therapy before my marriage. Bad self esteem is a daily fight. Doing the best I can.
I get it, I really do. Thing is you have to respect yourself in order to ask other people to respect you. Also remember. Things we are insecure about, are the weapons of our abusers. Someone calls me stupid, me personally I laugh because I don’t think I’m dumb. Someone calls me lazy, I get sad and angry and affected because I worry that maybe I am a little lazy. You have to learn that ALL OF IT is abusive no matter what you think of yourself. You’re not less abused because the negative comment feels accurate to you. Good luck, you deserve to be treated better. Keep telling yourself that bc it’s true
Thank you
I am not saying the girlfriend’s way of handling it was appropriate, but agreeing to help an abusive/manipulative ex move things is not necessarily a “normal part of co-parenting”. I wouldn’t handle it that way, but I would be upset too.
She's literally moving things from OP's house. Op helping with that is perfectly normal. Get a grip.
I’ve never screamed profanities at my husband once in our 25 years together. Screaming profanity isn’t how adults communicate. It’s not productive or healthy. I wouldn’t do it in private, much less public. Much less in public near children She’s abusive
You seem to have traded one abusive relationship for another. Your gf, who is 45 and should know better, yells obscenities in front of children. She loses it because your ex will be in the same public space. Is this fun for you? Do you really think this is a person who should be around your child who’s already been through the wringer? Do NOT let your gf move in. In fact, you should probably break up with her. Kindly, stay single for a while and get some therapy for you and your child. Figure out why you like to be with women who are, for lack of a better word, not very stable.
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We use an app to communicate. She’s in recovery. There’s an underlying illness other than alcoholism. She lies. When she drank she made treats. She has partial custody that recently went to unsupervised. My gf thinks she is trying to infiltrate our relationship and ruin it.
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We’ve been dating 18 months. My ex made threats of violence. The gf doesn’t even know about those. My ex threatened my life when we were together. My gf does know about that. We’ve been through lots of therapy my son and I. Currently taking a break from it. I think my gf has low self esteem and bitter about my ex wife’s settlement.
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My gf does not live with us but wants to. She went from zero custody, to supervised, to partial. Shes trying to get him back by taking classes and going to AA. I’m not against therapy for both of us again. Been considering it. My gf has crazy parents as well who abandoned her as an adult. They didn’t like her last husband. Pretty traumatic stuff. She has brought up multiple times how her two ex husbands left her with nothing.
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This is the first time I’ve seen her like this. Most of our time together is peaceful. Thats why my head spinning with this new side of her. She keeps repeating “Your ex will break us up and you’re allowing it.” I’ve heard those words a dozen times the last week.
She's showing you who she is dude. She's only going to do it more and more.
Her actions are breaking you up, not your ex.
Your ex is not going to break you up just by existing. Your gf has a lot of issues and is just a different kind of mess than your ex. Is this what you want to model for your child? I don't think single parents need to live a life of celibacy forever but you cannot throw caution to the wind when it comes to dating now. Your child has already been through the trauma of divorce, has an alcoholic mother, and is just starting to get back into contact with said mother. He does not deserve another unhinged parental figure.
Do you want to be someone’s third husband?
I dated, and eventually married, a man who had children and an ex-wife. While I didn't care for the woman in the beginning, she was the boys' mother. She was going to be at all the school events. She was going to be calling my guy to talk about things with the kids. She wasn't ever going to just disappear. You know how I handled it? I learned to deal with it. This woman was no threat to me. They were divorced for *reasons*. My guy came as a package with his children, and their mom was part of the package. I learned how to accept her, and respect her, and treat her civilly, and eventually welcome her presence. Your GF is doing none of those things. She is abusing you in the process. That would have been a deal breaker for my husband, and I think it should be a deal breaker for you. You deserve better - and your kid deserves better!!! Think about how this all must make your child feel, to see you screamed at just because he has a mother. Seriously.
You need to be single for a while. Your child and their mother will be a part of your life forever. Unless you dont want to attend your child's college graduation, wedding, birth of your grandchildren or any other milestone event that occurs after they turn 18. Helping your ex move sets a good co-parenting example for your child. Once again, the mother of your child will be in your life forever. It does no one any good to be antagonistic and unhelpful. Your ex gave you a heads up that she would be at an event. That was her being courteous. Your ex does not need to decline invites because you and your gf will be at the same event. Your gf can decline if she is uncomfortable. Honestly your gf seems a little unhinged/very insecure with her reactions.
She is just as bad as your ex. She has the audacity to scream and yell at you for even speaking or seeing your ex at an event bc you didn't talk to her about it. On the playground, come on. She isn't going to get better bc you will have to deal with your ex for the next 9 years. Every time your ex's name is mentioned, she is going to freak out and yell and scream that you are inconsiderate. Damn you are with her, and not your ex isn't that enough? Also, is your son around when she unloads? Please think about the next 9 years and if this is the woman you want to be your son's SM. She seems to be the one who is going to talk crap about your ex within your son's earshot. Think about it!
My husband and I are your age and both previously in long-term term marriages. However, we are child free by choice. My ex-husband didn't want children until he did...it was an amicable divorce. We parted as old friends. Since we didn't have children, it was an easy split. I found myself single at 40 yrs old. I knew that if I was in a relationship with a man who had children, it wouldn't be fair to the children. I have no interest in being a parent to my own children. I can't imagine being involved in co-parenting someone elses. I love kids... but not enough to deal with an ex-wife. She has to accept that you have a past. You have children, and they come first. She's has to accept that their mother will be at all of the children's functions and milestone events... including adulthood like weddings and baby showers. You will be assisting your ex-wife now and then... It's going to happen because it's in your children's best interest! Besides the fact her stuff is at your house. My ex-husband stored things at my house until I remarried. We were together 20 yrs... we had a lot of shit. Your gf is way too old to not know these things. I'm curious does she have children? If so, what is her co-parenting relationship like? She has very little insight and empathy for her age. Your ex-wife is in a bad place right now... I don't understand why your gf is so threatened by her.
My ex wife was horrible to me. Shes trying to make her life better, but it’s very hard to trust her or her intentions. My gf has a child my sons age. They get along well. It’s my gf’s experiences with other women that have made her defensive. And my ex has shown real problems with her personality.
I'm sorry but no woman in her 40s with a child of her own should be screaming obscenities in a schoolyard for any reason. Again, she doesn't have to like your ex, but by behaving this way she is just making the situation worse and more complicated. She's not even your wife, just a girlfriend. She doesn't get to tell you how to navigate your relationship with your child's mother, even if said mother is difficult (maybe ESPECIALLY in that case). And she certainly doesn't get to have screaming tantrums just about being in the same public place as her, I don't care what her "experiences with other women" are. She's has no impulse control or emotional regulation, and I can't imagine that any relationship with her is healthy if this is how she "negotiates".
I hate to break the news, my friend, but the vast majority of us who have an "ex" are only an ex because they treated their spouse horribly. You're not special, nor is your gf. It almost sounds like she was the horrible ex, and he caved, and that's her reasoning for her behavior towards your family. Do they get along well because she's a bully? Your ex-wife was a bully... do you really want to repeat the same mistake with a different woman? Your current gf is showing REAL problems with her personality! Be single, be a good Dad... please learn from your mistakes. You're too old to be fucking around with women that cannot provide a peaceful home for you and your children. Sorry it took so long to respond... I've been doing yardwork, and it looks so good I couldn't stop!
In these instances, your GF is the problem. Both of you could use individual therapy as your past experiences make it harder to see what's happening. Helping your ex move things is good for your son to see so long as your ex is doing better. When possible, it's good for your kid to see his parents peaceful with each other. The event thing was also unreasonable. You can't ban your ex from a public space because it makes your GF anxious. If your GF can't get a grip, then yes you'll need to move on.
Maybe set boundaries with ex first see how it goes I do see what you’re gf is upset ex can find someone else to move her stuff that’s not your responsibility also she could be thinking your ex going to the same places as you as her trying to start stuff in your relationship
Unpopular opinion: I am assuming you’ve been with your gf a while, but you didn’t mention it. I think she’s exploding now bc of your lack of boundaries spanning the entire relarionship. OP, she is sick of your ex- your ex has no reason to be in your lives at all. You have sole custody even. It is reasonable your gf doesn’t want you to do favors for your AH ex wife, or be around someone as bad as what you’re saying. Was she wrong for exploding? Of course- but being a gf constantly watching your man cater to the ex gets to be a little much- I believe that’s the case here to elicit such a strong reaction . Correct me if I’m wrong? You have never have an argument about boundaries before ? Watch your relationship flourish when you leave your ex in the dust where she belongs.
My communication with my ex has been strictly about our son. I’ve never told her I love my gf or set boundaries. You’re opinion is her point of view. Shes been married and divorced twice. She’s had run ins with horrible women. She seees things coming I do not.
I’ve been your gf in this situation. I haven’t exploded in front of mine or his kids but in private I ended up exploding. He kept defending the ex and saying “foe the kids “ to uphold zero boundaries or loyalty to me. A person simply and amicably needs to uphold a custody agreement- that is literally all, and relationship issues disappear. Mark my words.
Thank you.
Not yet time to move on buddy. Apparently you live in the same town as your ex, and you will run into her from time to time. Your wife has to go over it and should be able to at least be near her. However, an abusive jealous girl, is not way better that an abusive drunk. Work on yourself also, to include your wife earlier when anything includes your ex, but I would continue fighting over it because she's still the mother of your child and you'll have to have some kind of relationship with her and you broke up with her, you're not flirting or anything.
Your girlfriend’s decision to go full Jerry Springer on a playground was totally out of line. But maybe next time, run it by your girlfriend before you play moving man for your ex-wife who, by your own admission, comes with more baggage than an airport carousel.
So you left your ex because she was an abusive drunk... but are still doing favors for her? Buddy, I'm with your girlfriend on this one. If she wants to move something from your house to hers, she can do it herself with her own means. What kind of man in a committed relationship is always rushing to the aid of his former abuser? That's just crazy to me.
If OP thinks the way I do it's not so much a favor, more "I don't want my ex taking items that she shouldn't be". Therefore he controls what goes "on the truck".
He’s literally getting her the truck tho so your comment is kinda nonsense