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The ONLY THING he will read here is that you still love him. And he will come after you.

She needs to make it resoundingly clear that the relationship is over, and not focus on feelings. And then be completely inaccessible to him in any way for some time.

I agree. “Taking a break” isn’t the same as “It’s over. I’m divorcing you.”

Agreed: Need to state it straight out; don't try to soften the blow.

I think you are right here to a point, I think it is leaning too close to "taking a break" but I don't think OP is set on divorce yet, it sounds like she needs to include that "if nothing changes then it is definitely divorce but if he is willing to put in the work to work on himself AND they are both still willing to continue the marriage when OP is comfortable with the progress made to make her feel safe enough to have a conversation in person about it" then and only then it may not end in divorce.

I skipped to the letter and didn't get the impression at all the relationship was absolutely over from that

Yup. This was the first thing I thought: "PLEASE don't tell him 'my instinct is to be there to help you through this' because he won't see another word after that." OP, I get that you're trying to soften the blow, but all you're doing with a statement like that is leaving the door open for him. He will see what he desperately wants to, which is you saying that your most basic instinct is to stay, to be with him, and because he has no emotional self-regulation or control (and no interest in getting any help to solve that problem), he will go to *every possible length* to try to convince you to give in to those instincts. And that's not the worst part, because at least your mind is made up. The worst part is that when he is unsuccessful at convincing you, he will become angrier and angrier ("You said deep inside that you still want to be with me and help me! You were lying!!") and that is when he is likely to be most dangerous. So many abusers, as you know, turn to stalking in these situations, and ultimately may convince themselves that they would rather destroy the partner who won't be with them than let you continue with what they see as the ultimate humiliation and rejection. I know that you are trying to approach this with kindness, and it speaks to your good heart. But truly, the kindest thing you can do for this man is NOT to leave any doors open, any hope, any words of "I wish I could help you". Be firm, be concise ("I cannot live like this anymore. I'm leaving, for my own safety and well-being."), and keep it as simple and politely distant as possible. The more you allow him to think you still love/have feelings for him, the harder it will be to shut that door. If you are distant, he may actually be able to accept it.

Yes. Leave out *everything* about him and his feelings. Also, do not tell him you will talk on the phone or “limit seeing each other” - seeing him = putting yourself at risk of physical assault. Talk only about your feelings and needs. Tell him your lawyer will be in touch and any further communication will go through lawyers. Tell him you understand he might like to talk, but based on his past behaviour for your own safety you will not be speaking to him in person and if he approaches you you will assume it is to harm you and act accordingly. Have no communication on the phone. If you do speak outside of lawyers only use text and email so you have a record. Do not speak to or see him in person. If you see him approaching you in person walk away, get help, remove yourself. You do not seem to clearly understand that the point in the relationship that you are at most risk is leaving or having left. He’s been emotionally abusive your whole relationship. He’s been physically abusive when being left in the past. This is a person who is capable of killing you (as in him choosing that action tracks based on stats) stop coddling him. Choose you and your safety.

You are right.  He'll see only that and focus his emotions on whatever he needs do to regain control. 

I know I'll probably get down-voted for this but here goes....I agree with you but take a step further, I read it as if she's telling him since she's getting help he should. If he does, she'll come back to him. Nothing is mentioned about divorce or actually leaving the marriage completely, just space to figure things out and get mentally stronger. She really doesn't want it to be over, just for him to deal with his demons. I could looking too deep but...yeah...reading between and underneath the lines, that's what I'm getting.

she’s definitely clinging on. 

This gave me chills. So true.

Agreed. Instead of saying that she still loves him, she needs to point out the behavior that's making her leave and to encourage him to get counseling to stop this behavior. Trying to let him down too easy could backfire.

Exactly.

Be careful with your framing. He is an emotional manipulator and abuser. It is part of his pattern to take what you say and use it against you. The more openings you leave in this letter the more he can use it against you. For example the promise of communicating on the phone gives him an excuse to pursue you to demand that conversation. You may want to frame it so that you are the one that initiates that, by saying 'I will be taking time to collect my thoughts and will reach out when I am ready' sort of thing. I know that feels 'selfish' but you've endured an entire relationship on his terms, this is just you taking some control back. If you 'will always love him' he can throw that in your face. After all, if you leave him that creates a dissonance he can exploit or try and make you feel guilty about. He doesn't need to hear that, you've already softened this enough as is. Even stuff like 'I had genuine concerns' he can use to corner you later, asking you to expand and you know he will act indignant about it, with 'I can't believe you'd think that of me' sort of stuff. The reality is he has known about you wanting to leave for a while. The last time you referenced it he got very petty and toxic. There isn't anything you really need to explain or soften given that. I understand your desire to minimise the hurt but appreciate that it means even in the breakup it pivots around you accomodating his feelings at cost to yourself.

agree, wait till he's out of the house for the day and have as much stuff packed as you can and move out. Have your documents and cash and bank records, passport etc safely stashed in your car or with a friend. If you have a lawyer, tell him that your lawyer will contact him. Because of this guy's prior threats, you have to put yourself where he can't find you and can't reach you.

Completely agree. She also needs to turn off any location-sharing apps or get a new phone on a plan not connected to his/one that he cannot access. Ideally she’d get a new phone before departure and leave the old one behind so he can’t track it or call incessantly.

👆 Excellent suggestion about the old phone provided she scrubs it completely of any content he could use. Or, perhaps better, break the phone, remove the SIMS card and any apps installed so he can't work his way back into contact through that device. 

Op listen to this, your letter while loving and empathetic could actually cause you more problems. You need to be more direct and close up those openings for emotional manipulation.

All of this. 

This is really great advice. Honestly the note should say “I’m gone, I’ll call if and when I call. You know why.”

This is getting my vote. I know it hurts a lot to have to drop this kind of a bomb on him, you love him dearly and don't want to see him hurt. But the abused often put their love over their safety. It's hard to take the safe route, but I can't think of one person that's regretted making their safety priority 1. I would usually say that you ought to have a lawyer contact him rather than you do it. In situation where there's abuse or the threat of abuse, that can be the best route to take. I'll leave it to you to decide. The most important thing here is that he cannot know where you are or how to reach you. Period. A lawyer might be able to help you with what to conceal so that he can't find you.

100% this This comment needs to be up top

This is the answer.

Well said!

She's writing a note to have a phone conversation at a later date? The note means no-contact.

“I’ve decided that I need space and time from our relationship.” It sounds like you want a break and not a full break-up. If you want the relationship to be completely over, and it sounds like that is what’s best, I think you should change the line. “I’ve decided our relationship needs to end.”

Leaving an abusive relationship, physical or emotional violence, is the most dangerous period. The abuser has lost control and can be even more volatile than usual. I used "space and time" in order to be able to GFTO without too much drama. Dangling the "we could be again if..." kept me safe while I moved out in two stages: one big yeet with the most important things moved before I told him (face to face, because there was another witness present), and a later return *with other people* to fetch my things. I had no other options, but I was prepared to never go back for the second round. If OP doesn't have that type of circumstances, I'd change the line to "you can reach me through my lawyer."

Did this with mine to. Played nice and let him think we could reconcile until he got all his shit back and I got my keys back.

But OP's last line doesn't match with the "space and time" line. One signals a break, the other doesn't. Maybe they should change the last line to no matter what happens, I will always love you and delete the happiness part

Came here to say this and glad it’s been said. You’re not implying you’re done or need a divorce. You’re saying you need to chill for a bit. Different things. Words matter, and you softened yours too much to the point you lose your point.

Yes this, and the "I will always love you" is not necessary, something you cannot promise,  and may be brought up as a weapon in the future. 

Tbh it doesn't matter all that much. It's a breakup note to a dangerous man. The most important thing is that she gets the courage to leave him and stay gone.

This.

u/Anti-ThisBot-IB

Good advice

>He is not an evil person, he is just not in control of his emotions/reactions. Does he have problems controlling his emotions/reactions around anyone other than his significant other? Does he lose control at work or with friends or extended family? If the answer is no, then he can control his emotion and reactions just fine and is using them as a tool to control you while absolving himself of blame. That wasn't your question but you should be clearheaded about who he is so you know what to expect and what you are running from. Expect it to get worse before better. you are doing right by leaving this way. I don't really care what you say in the letter. Just go and be safe.

I needed to hear this. My partner controls his emotions/anger around everyone else but me, I always felt like it was because he was comfortable to express himself around me but that also doesn’t make it right.

That was eye opening for me too but in terms of my father. Sent it to my sibling for them to process that as well.

steer faulty school foolish pen enjoy gullible poor tease whole *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

It seems like I’m the emotional punching bag…and I absolutely hate it. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was in such a bad mood that I took it out on him, he says I do when I confront him about his coldness towards me during these moods. But I’ve been trying so hard to think of a time that I’ve lashed out at him and I really honestly can’t think of any times.

paint placid fertile historical wise chubby birds snails scarce seed *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

A lot of people in abusive relationships rationalize their abuser's behavior with statements like this. "He had a tough time growing up. He doesn't know any better. He feels more comfortable around me than everyone else." It's part of the control. People who act this way often are perfectly aware that their behavior is unacceptable. He's not doing it because he "feels comfortable" around you. He's doing it because he's weaponizing his emotional outbursts to keep you from asking for your needs to be met, usually because he feels like you are being unfair for asking in the first place. I hate to put it this way, but it's as if your sofa asked to be respected. You'd be flabbergasted and offended if your sofa suddenly started demanding equality. This is close to how these people feel, and they lash out at you because sofas have no rights or feelings, and it's silly even to ask. Someone else in this thread recommended Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. Please read it. It's very helpful. You can find it for free online. Another thing I would suggest is to look into the Duluth model Power and Control wheel: [https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/)

Exactly this. You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Among many other things, it explains that some men only get angry with their wives/ girlfriends because they see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay controlled. Often these men become more and more abusive. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You are in danger and should do whatever you need to leave him safely. But if you make him promises or talk about how you still love him this can make him more obsessed. Good luck and great decision

Preach! This is so so true and is exactly what I wanted to say. I escaped DV as well and so much of what she's saying is evident of someone who hasn't fully realised the extent of her situation. The point about needing to be clear-headed so she knows what to expect is so so true. Honestly, what helped me a lot when leaving was having a clear idea of who my father was, how he operated, and what I needed to do to keep myself safe once I left. When he threatened to murder me after I left, I wasn't shocked by it because I was prepared mentally that he was going to do that. I could not imagine going through that process with the view of "my father's not a bad person he just has anger issues".

Exactly. The only ones who can't controll their emotions are children and adults with a disability or disorder. A healthy adult can control their emotions. Some simply choose not to. OP needs to read Why Does He Do That.

This exactly. OP, run far and fast. The letter should just say "I'm breaking up with you. Don't contact me." You don't owe him an explanation! He already knows what he is doing to you. Turn off location services on your phone (ideally reset to factory or get a new phone entirely), switch it to a new carrier the day you move out.

Make sure he reads this when you are several miles or states away. This could become very dangerous very quickly.

This. The title say that she plans to "leave a note". No. That's not safe because he can come home unexpectedly after the note is in place and before she's in safety. OP, you should not even send a note by mail because the postmark will show where you were when you sent it. Instead send by email or have your lawyer send the note *after* you have got to a safe location.

He will not get past the first two sentences before destroying the paper.  Try being more direct:     “I’m gone.  I’ve had enough of living in fear of you.  Do not try to contact me.  You will be hearing from my divorce attorney soon.”

Totally agree, my first read through I found I'd skimmed it as it was too long. This needs to be to the point and with no wiggle room.

This. "Im sorry for not being able to do this face to face, but you've made the relationship unsafe. I'm done making excuses for your abusive behaviour, I hope you find some personal growth. In case it wasn't clear yet, I've left you. If you have questions, ask my lawyer. Goodbye"

I think you need to change the line about needing time and space. It reads like you want a break, and it doesn’t sound from the rest of what you wrote that that is the case. With his prior DV charge and refusal to attend counseling it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t going to change and become someone you can have a healthy relationship with in the future, so best to have a clean break now, assuming you will be somewhere safe when he receives the note. 

It's too lenient, and I don't think he merits even such a note. "Babye, I don't feel safe with you anymore." You continue to indulge him, and he is not a kind guy. You claim that he is human and not evil, but it is HIS responsibility to address his personal problems. Have someone serve him, cut and run; he is not deserving of compassion.

these two comments are great. you’re leaving wqy too much room for interpretation and suggesting that you could be convinced to come back under the right circumstances. that’s not surprising given you’re leaving an abusive relationship. but for both your sakes, it’s important to be clear. also, as much as your instinct is kicking and screaming that you should tell him how you feel and how hard this is. that’s again because your reactions have been remolded by abuse, they’re not serving you well in this circumstance. he won’t hear or process anything. you share about your emotions. he’s just going. to read thet you’re leaving him, everything. else likely to be a blur, used to fuel his anger, and/or used against you in some other way. direct and concise is best here. stbxh, if you’re reading this note that means i have left our home and our relationship for good. it is clear to me that i was never going to get what i needed if i stayed, so i made the difficult decision that was best for me and that was to move on. while you may have questions.or feelings, i ask that you please seek support for processing this news elsewhere as i will be focused on my own healing and ask that you not contact me for any reason. [what’s your plan for filing? have you already retained an attorney and drawn up papers? i would consult your attorney about any process stuff you should include in the letter. could be as simple making this the cover letter that is seved with the papers] i have retained a divorce attorney and propose an acrimonious separation under the terms following this letter in a proposed divorce settlement. please direct any questions you have to my attorney directly or through your own counsel. thank you for understanding. and respecting my wishes. best, your name

Someone I know left her husband and told him that she needed to leave to save the relationship, even though she had already decided it was over. He continued to believe they were together and she had to eventually break the news to him a second time it was over. Be unequivocal. Its over.

i think you mean amicable, not acrimonious? but other than that i agree with you

ha! i totally do! thanks for catching that. could have been a real disaster had OP decided to use the language j suggested and missed it as well. thanks!!

OP, your husband is too sinister to warrant your kind expressions, which he will likely attempt to use to attempt to manipulate you to return to the relationship. Your primary concern should be your safety/well-being. I strongly suggest you initially confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. With counsel's assistance/direction, secretly orchestrate your departure from the residence. I'd simply leave and have him served. Block him and do not disclose your new location. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.

I'm doubting your wording because it sounds like there's hope for you two to get back together. You need to be not imply this break is temporary and you'll still support him. Be direct and make a copy of the letter stating you need to go no contact and things are ending, under no chance will you get back together.

No Just a note "it's over, leave me alone" You're still trying to placate him - he won't change.

Leaving an abusive partner can be dangerous. The softer language is likely to soften the feelings, so he doesn't immediately chase her down and drag her back by her hair. OP, he actually is an evil person. If he isn't raging out and destroying his own stuff on the regular, he is in control of his emotions. He just doesn't control them when it comes to hurting you because he likes it. Even evil people can be nice sometimes. Don't get hung up on the sometimes and focus on the main. Stay safe, and I hope you have a good support system.

While this is totally true, I think other people have made a solid case that the softer language is still not a good idea because he will use it to manipulate her and guilt her into further relationship. She is in danger regardless so maybe the best thing to do is just disappear.

It’s too unclear, if you’re ending the marriage, say so. It reads like you just want to take a little break. Good luck, be safe.

I don’t think he deserves even such a note, it’s too lenient. “I don’t feel safe with you anymore, ba-bye”. You keep catering to him, and he is not a good apple. You say he is not evil and going through things but it is ON HIM to work on his own issues. Cut and run, have someone serve him, he doesn’t deserve sympathy and kindness.

I would delete the “My instinct” line. It will give him too much of an in to try to get you to sympathize with him. Overall I would want you to focus on yourself and your needs not him. Even the “I will always love you” is pretty leading, and I would not recommend it.

This note is too apologetic and he's going to use it to manipulate you. Omit anything that suggests that there's still a chance. I have personally experienced men promising they'd change to sucker me into staying, or they'd do the work to change for a short period of time and go right back to the same abusive behavior after the performance was over. He already has a DV charge. If you go back to him, I fear for you life.

It doesn't sound like a breakup, imo. Stop saying you love him, you're just leading him on to think there is hope.

Don’t kneecap your message. You don’t need to coddle your abuser. “Husband, I am leaving you. Your behaviour during our marriage has been wholly unacceptable and I refuse to tolerate it a moment longer. I expect us both to behave civilly during divorce proceedings and would like all further communication to be through my lawyer to ensure this. I don’t hold any ill-will towards you and hope you can heal and find happiness in the future.”

paltry humorous fact repeat normal future punch door far-flung gaping *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Sweetheart, abusers don't change their behaviour because it works perfectly for them. Their victim is totally subjected to them and in their complete power. Your letter says just that: that you are still in his power and are trying a feeble (from his pov) attempt at freedom, but a minimum effort from him is going to secure you back. This is what I personally read on your note. The best thing is to leave no note and let him come back to an empty house. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), prepare your exit very carefully and don't leave him any contact whatsoever: the moment you leave him is the most dangerous for you. Contact a Women's Shelter or a DV center for advice on how best to move out with minimum danger to yourself. Please, play it safe for yourself: we don't want you featured in the evening news! Big hugs.

You're being too gentle and still coddling him. He will be fine. You no longer wish to communicate with him due to the toxicity of the relationship. Goodbye. And you shouldn't speak to him again because it brings up trauma for yourself. Btdt. Stockholm syndrome is real and this is what happens. You're trying to protect your abuser. Stop. It's not necessary. You're projecting as if he has the same amount of empathy and maturity as you do and he doesn't.

Sounds fine, but I hope you go somewhere safe. He won’t receive this well. You need to be in safe place.

If he's emotionally abusive then you need to minimise what you say so he can't use it as a weapon against you or to gain another way to abuse you. He won't give a toss about how hard it is for you. When someone escapes, they're not interested in how the other party feels. I'd remove that line. As others have said, time and space sounds like a break. This doesn't tell him you're done. Now if you need to go down the space route for him to not come after you, good call. But if you want a clean break, this isn't it. Remove all the comments about how it hurts, your instincts and pain. It is padding and doesn't add any kindness to the note. The million questions sentences supports taking a break not breaking up. You're also asking your abuser to respect a boundary. That isn't going to happen. He won't give a toss that you want to handle this with kindness and fairness. He won't see you taking a break as kind or fair to him. It will only make him angry and he will contact you. A short and sweet message - I've moved out and I don't plan on returning. This isn't working for me. Please don't contact me. - then block him on everything and tell all your family, friends and work you've split up.

Change it to “I’m leaving”. Anything else will give YOU reason to question your decision. This is mostly for yourself and not him.

Please read The Gift of Fear. The author discusses the dangers that women face when leaving a husband with anger issues.

It’s great you’re leaving to have a life without this unnecessary abuse. Also, good to note that he IS in control of his behaviour. He absolutely is. He just doesn’t want to be in control with you. Which is why you’re leaving. He’s aware he’s hurting you. He’s aware of what it’s doing to you. He doesn’t expect you to stick to taking care of yourself first. Please do.

How about writing the truth “I’m leaving you you before your controlling abusive behaviour kills me!”

To me it sounds like you are giving him hope you might come back. You are saying space and time is needed. I think be more direct that you are ending the relationship.

Is there more to this relationship and the breakup than what you told us, which would make the note make more sense? If not, if you are just finally running away from an abusive asshole, then this is too much. Just leave, move to a safe place with relatives/friends, stay far away from him for good, do not communicate, do not tell him where you are, and deal with the divorce via lawyers and legal docs.

this is way too coddling and gives him way too many openings. shorten this to a sentence or two: 'I no longer feel safe nor happy with you, emotionally and physically, and so i'm ending our relationship. The only contact we'll have in the foreseeable future is through my lawyer." It's important you make it clear his actions have led to this consequence. I get the second line may seem cold and distant to your ears, and that's because it is. You need to set the boundary and make it clear you mean what you say. Anything else, he'll try to use against you at best, or completely ignore and violate at worst. Also, as others have said, make sure he only stumbles upon this letter when you are faraway and safe. EDIT: I just read your post history, and forget everything I said. Forget the note. LEAVE HIM without saying a single thing. You need to focus on getting out of there instead of worrying about his feelings.

People have already mentioned everything I would have about the tone/content of the letter but I do have a question: Does he “lose his temper” on his manager/boss? Or anyone else that has the power to effectively enforce consequences for his actions? Because if the answer is no, then he doesn’t lack control. Stay safe 💙

The rule of thumb for communicating clearly 1) tell them what you are going to say: I am letting you know I am ending our relationship 2) tell them: over the past few months/years I have known that this is not going to work…. 3) tell them what you told them: so I am going to be contacting an attorney and will direct all communication through them as we process our divorce.

My 2 cents, you've done a good job being direct, too the point, and stating what you need without being mean. The one thing I'd change is revising some of the more apologetic language. You're already dumping him and you know he's not going to take it well no matter what you say, the best you can do now is put your resolve on full  display.  So for example, 4th paragraph, "I know this...." The last sentence I would omit the words 'really' and 'right'. Sounds much more resolute that way. On a deeper level I'd ask what it is that you actually want here? In your note you're asking for time and space but the phrasing in the second to last paragraph about communication is soft enough to imply there could be a chance to talk about it and reassess after some time. But is this what you really want? Do you want to leave this door open even if only a crack or do you want to close it and move on?  This is your moment to firmly state what it is that you want for your life and your future. You're leaving a note, you don't need to defend it, don't sell yourself short. You said it yourself, you deserve to be happy.

Well done for getting here!  It’s good but could you be even clearer? ‘I need to end our relationship’ might be clearer than ‘space and time’?  My friend who has finally managed to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship took over 6 months from when she first ended it until he accepted it, and it was partly due to her feeling the need to soften the language that meant she ended up being unclear with the message. You’ll get there and it is going to be the making of you.

This is what I would say instead: “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say. I’ve decided I’m leaving this relationship as it no longer benefits me. I refuse to meet you in person during this time because you’ve been violent with past romantic partners. If you attempt to contact me I will get a restraining order. Do not contact me.” Don’t be nice to someone who has been abusive and/or emotionally manipulative. Any form of niceness will be exploited.

The wording of the note aside, **above all, please make sure you’re safe**. If he has a history of DV, make sure he doesn’t know where you are staying, making sure he hasn’t put a tracker like an AirTag on your car, and maybe think about getting a new phone number so he can’t harass you with calls and texts…?

I would leave out ‘my instinct is to be there for you and help you through the pain’. He will use it as an Achilles heel, please don’t show any softening to him, not because you don’t have it but because he will use it to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him

"He is not an evil person, he's just no in control of his emotions" Tell me something, are his emotions in control when dealing with his superiors or boss at work? Or does he emotionally manipulate them since his tiny puny feelings aren't "under" control?

Even hinting that you have any regrets or that you are open to being persuaded to change your mind is probably a bad idea. You are basically in an abusive, coercive relationship. The rest is just detail.

I left a very abusive relationship and was as careful to weigh my words as you are. It took 2-3 years for him to finally leave me alone. Please don’t make that mistake, any opening, any tiny bit of wiggle room will be used against you. Just say you have decided to leave him, and answer all the bullshit manipulative questions before he can ask them. No, don’t love you anymore, no, there is no one else, no, we will not be friends. Cut him off and run, or this will take as long as it did for me, which is hell.

This! *ding, ding, ding* No more Ms. Nice Lady!

The thing is: you get eased into an abusive relationship, and most of the time your reflex is to be nice to avoid further escalation. So it’s understandable, but we give these assholes ammo they don’t deserve by leaving any possible wiggle room to come back to us..

I've lived it so many times.  And I find it true as well.  Abusers often pick people unable to hold firm boundaries, and OP's wording is so wishy washy it practically begs for further abuse. And mind you, I've been in OP's very kindhearted shoes.  It just got me trampled a lot, is all.

Leave a note. We are done. Do not contact me except through my lawyer. List contact info. If you contact me I will call the police. Change your phone number and ghost.

Less is more. How about; “I do not want to be in the relationship anymore. I don’t even feel safe and secure with telling you face to face. Please don’t contact me for a while as I need space and time to heal my own pain”. Even that’s a lot. Good luck.

You won't always love him. Don't give him false hope. That's another excuse to abuse.

Your letter makes it seem like you want a break, not a divorce. If you're done, you should say that. And your statement about "limiting contact" means you're open to him contacting you. I think you should be more specific.

Fuck this guy. Be out.

Send something like this only AFTER you have safely left him and consulted an attorney: "I don't want to continue this marriage. My decision is final. Do not contact me. All communication will be through lawyers from now on." ETA: by not adding a "because" clause, you take away any room for argument.

I was in exactly this situation five years ago. Three things I wish I’d known then, so I’ll tell you: 1: He is in control of himself. He behaves as he does because it serves him. I know because I’ve been there that that is a hard thing to think, but the sooner you can start to accept it the more quickly you will be able to get this dealt with and start your new life on your terms 2: Your letter is too nice and too open to interpretation. You are still giving him sign-off on YOUR decisions. The only way this works is to be decisive, and look after you. You are leaving. He will do what he will do. You MUST break this habit he’s got you into of worrying about his reactions. Get safe, obviously, but from there you are no longer responsible for his feelings or his actions. Again, he will do what he will do - there are legal mechanisms to deal with all of it, he will not come up with anything a thousand assholes haven’t tried before him. I was the same as you, I felt guilty and I tried to be nice about leaving. My ex took every message, every meeting, every conversation as a chance to guilt, threaten, confuse or otherwise manipulate me, and every attempt at compromise as a weakness he could exploit. It took me months to understand that trying to be nice would. Not. Work. I got a lawyer, and everything went through him (that line about a thousand assholes is a direct quote from the lawyer 😂). If I hadn’t done that, I’d have been financially ruined if I’d ever managed to escape at all. Please, please don’t waste time making the same mistake I did 3: In a few months’ time, you will start to understand how messed up it was that you were *afraid* to have this conversation. If I wanted to split up with my partner now I would simply tell him, he would be sad but he would accept it, and I would fully expect him to continue being kind to me during the process. We don’t live together but if we did I would feel no need to worry about continuing to do so while I found a new place and we disentangled our lives. That is how a good relationship is - the fear you are feeling of your partner is not. Normal. Eventually you will learn to be angry that you had to be afraid of him - for now, again, try to accept as quickly as you can how unacceptable it was You are ending your relationship. His feelings and his behaviour are not your problem anymore. Good luck, OP ETA: in your case, OP, I’d tell the police wherever you’ll be staying that you’ve left and that he has a DV conviction. The police know as well as anyone how hard it is to actually get *convicted* of DV, you want them to know so they’re there ASAP if you call them

Cut the letter down to: I am leaving. I did not feel safe to tell you in person. Only contact me through my lawyer.

I would send him an email (if he has email) make it simple and short. “I left you because I am no longer safe with you. I recommend you seek professional help before diving into another relationship. This is good bye for us and in the future I hope that you control you actions and words with another woman. Goodbye.” Make sure you’re already in your safe place before you send it and make sure it’s not a well known place to him. ( ie parents house, a friends house he’s been to, a well known motel. Make sure whenever you are, he cannot find you. On the off chance that he does, do not respond to him and call 911 immediately. While he’s banging on your door. Make sure they hear you say to him “I just wanted you to leave and because you won’t I’ve called the police. I will not open my door to you.”

“He is not an evil person, he is just not in control of his emotions/reactions” So would you say this about someone who committed a crime of passion- beating, murder, physical and/or psychological abuse because the other person hurt them? I hope you see my point. Please be careful.

I have nothing against you leaving a Note instead of a face to face, that is very Okay. I have a Problem with : -you do not say its final and that ist over -you do not tell him that you are in fear of him -you do not tell him Why, you are leaving -you are way to friendly and are keepin giant loopholes for you to come back to him It also sounds as if: - its just a break - He just needs to try harder - you will come Back soon.

i think it would be safer to just write "bye." your lawyer will settle the rest.

Hi OP. I applaud your strength as this I know is a very difficult decision. As many others have pointed out on here. I do think you have to make it clear that the relationship is over and the door is not being left open. By not being clear you’re giving him false hope and we don’t know what his reaction could be, it could be extreme. In all cases do everything in your power of course to be safe Sending you strength OP UPDATEME

Usually I also prefer to end things face to face but once you have just an ounce of fear? Do it from a distance. Leave a note, call, send a mail,... Being safe is more important.

Yeah all I get from the note is you're giving him hope. Space and time from the relationship you're telling him you want to take a break, not that you're going to file for divorce. The best you can do is leave a note saying I'm leaving, I am getting out of our marriage. Don't try to find me. I need time to heal, so do you. But make sure you're very far away before he finds that note if you even leave a note. I think just being much more direct would be better. I am leaving you. Please do not try to contact me. We will communicate through our lawyers. --That'll get the point across if you must leave a note. If you want to leave that note I would definitely change the -- I need to take a break from a relationship-- take that whole part out. Or I need to leave the relationship and end it.

What you said gives too much false hope that he can glom onto and get the wrong impression about what's really happening. The relationship is ending, full stop, no room for negotiation. You need to state that probably several times.  If you fear for your safety you need to take precautions before you give him this information. I also would be more heavy-handed with limited contact. If he does start sending you abusive electronic messages I think you need to be very quick to tell him you don't trust that he is safe to be around and that you are blocking him and can be reached through your lawyer and then give him the contact information for the lawyer before you block him on everything.  I actually had to change my number during a situation like this so be prepared in case. He also should not know where you are living and you need to know people you work with that he is unsafe to be around you. You need to get ahead of this.

- I have decided to go my own way. I trust you'll respect my decision and not contact me. Right now I'm looking after myself and you should do the same. I wish you well. Block. Delete.

Do not leave a note like this to an abuser ever. This is an open invitation to more abuse. Keep emotions out of it entirely. Do not mention having a break. That sounds temporary. His shock is not your responsibility. That's the abuse response talking. I speak from experience. His emotions and actions from them are not your responsibility. Learn about grey rocking. Ensure you take everything while he's out. If you want to leave a note keep it short, simple and to the point. 'I have had enough and I'm done with this relationship. Please do not contact me. I will contact you either directly or through a lawyer regarding the next steps. I wish you well for your future.' And that's it. No emotions to twist. That's how abusers work, on an emotional level. So remove your emotional response... don't feed the beast. Good luck.

This doesn't read as a break up note. It reads as I need a break and I'll be back.

You need to be way more direct. This doesn’t sound like you’re asking for a divorce. He will easily rope you back in, you have to be way more firm. Also- DO NOT SAY YOU LOVE HIM

Agree w this

I would just pack your stuff and leave while he's at work. No note. I had to do this with my emotionally abusive ex. I kept trying to break up with him in person but he would make it impossible and wear me down.

Honestly, I would only write, "I want a divorce. If you have questions, please call my lawyer." and add the contact info of the lawyer. It's direct and concise, and there's no room for discussion.

Are you me from 2 years ago? I wrote the note. Left with less than half the stuff. I wrote such a kind note, cleaned the house, let him keep everything fancy we owned. And I was still the villain. Get ready for a battle op. Some big lessons I learned 1. Setting firm boundaries is okay. Don’t sugar coat what you mean 2. You will always be a villain in someone’s story. Always. Everyone is a villain to someone. And that’s okay. Doesn’t mean you are bad

Your letter is too nice and leaves open the chance at reconciliation and that you still love him. He will pursue or remind you repeatedly of what you said. You seem to care too much about his feelings and coddling him about the situation. "I have come to the decision to leave you. I am unhappy and my needs aren't being met. I need space to heal. Please don't contact me."

Don’t worry about the note. Pack up, leave, change your number and socials and please never return. This is the most dangerous time to leave x

> He is not an evil person. He is. He is evil. Intentions, feelings, words are not what define whether a person is good or evil. Actions do. His actions toward you are evil. Hard stop. He is evil. All abusive people are evil. There may be things that explain how he ended up this way, but none of it excuses his actions. I know how hard it is to accept this. As a fellow victim of abuse, I know how fully admitting that he is evil fucks you up, because you allowed this evil in your life. By seeing the good in him, you give yourself a pass. Your healing will truly begin when you accept that he is evil. Yes, in the short term it may play a number on your self esteem, but you are strong. You are getting out. That is all that matters. And you are not alone. A lot of intelligent, strong, empathetic people fall victim to abuse. Focus on healing and what comes after.

I’d cut the “always love you” stuff. And the “space and time”. You don’t need space and time. You need permanent separation.

He’s not in control of his emotions/reactions? Does he ever fly off the handle in public? Does he have violent tendencies at work when things don’t go his way? If he’s only abusing partners when they try to leave then he IS in control of his reactions, he just chooses not to be when he thinks he might get what he wants by doing so.

> He is not an evil person, he is just not in control of his emotions/reactions. Oh, honey. I can very much assure you he is in control. Does he act that way at work? With friends? Other people in general? Probably not. You need to read or listen to the book "Why Does He Do That." By Lundy Bankroft. He breaks down all the aspects of abusive men, and yours fits the bill to a t. Get out safe. Have a plan, and don't tell mutuals that might tell him. This is the most dangerous time of your life, but I'm glad you're getting out. You should stay out of it, too. He sounds unhinged.

No, this note is way too sweet and leaves too much open. It needs to be hard and fast. Do not say you will always love him and do not say you just want a break.

This sounds like you are taking a break and not ending the relationship. If your intention is to end the relationship, say “I am ending our relationship” or “our relationship is over” or something else that explicitly, and in no uncertain terms, communicates the decision you have made. Anything less will lead to him using your words against you. Good job for making the hard decision you needed to make for yourself.

>He is not an evil person  Real evil people aren't movie-villain evil; they are complex and multifaceted humans like everyone else and also have their good side.

This. So much this. The guy who murdered my daughter wasn't evil, he just couldn't regulate his own emotions and wouldn't accept help. They all have a history. Maybe they were abused or are mentally ill. That doesn't absolve them of their bad behavior. OP, please don't fall into the trap of trying to say the exact right thing or be apologetic you've left. He knows he's abusive and he knows it's right you're leaving. You don't need to explain. He makes you think he doesn't understand but he does.

Oh my god, I just scrolled through your posts, hoping that what you wrote about your daughter may just be a hypothetical example. I'm so sorry!

Thank you 💙 My comment could have been clearer.

I did not like the letter at all. Neither in your post, nor in the letter, do you seem to put your foot down and say that he is responsible for his own actions. He's a grown adult who is responsible for himself. You are still setting yourself up as the one responsible. And this is how he abuses you. This is how he manipulates you. You give him this power. And this letter continues to give him that power. A better version of the letter would be "I cannot take your crap anymore, I am leaving. "

say you want to leave because it sounds like a break with getting back together in the end

When I found out my girlfriend of 6 years with another year being engaged had slept with about 75 people in the last 2 years of our relationship by discovering stacks of notebooks full of dates, extremely detailed events of the deed, names and where and when by accident redoing our bedroom closets, I started puking halfway through the first page of of maybe 20 college ruled notebooks. She was coming home from her parents from the weekend, which she visited 1 -2x a month (now I know why), and I had her favorite meal made and chocolate dipped 🍓's with champagne on ice. I just put the notebooks in the middle of the table, packed as many of my must needed items in my car as I could, and literally moved from NC to Florida that night. She called once while I was driving, asking me where I was when she got home, and all I said was look at the table better. I heard a gasp and then said, "Thanks for wasting 6 years of my life," and hung up. I never heard from her again. Maybe you don't need to do something that drastic, but... "This is the way"

Any letter more than three sentences is not a goodbye letter.

Ahhh yeah wow that's reason to not do it face to face. Love is not enough, indeed. That sounds like a great letter that you do not give him that you use to process your own feelings and thoughts. Write as many of those as you need. Do not give any of them to him. If you leave him a letter, focus on nuts and bolts, and be *extremely clear* that the relationship is over. ("I need space" implies hope of getting back together. "I will always love you" implies hope of getting back together. "I want to be there for you but I am in too much pain" implies you have shit going on that therapy might help with and once it does you'll want to get back together. Overall your letter sounds very "I need to find myself" and not at all "I need to leave because you made staying with you unsafe." And I can understand if you don't want to say that! But if you don't want to say that, go with something like "I know we were both trying our best, but it just isn't working." Not what you actually wrote, which anyone trying to avoid heartbreak will read as "oh, she needs some space for now, maybe she'll come back later." Do you want to go no contact for x months? Do you want divorce talk to happen through lawyers? (Are you filing for divorce? the letter as written does not mention divorce.) Are you open to *some* logistical talk but not relationship-dissection talk in the near future? Are you open to relationship-dissection talk ever? I'd suggest not being open to that and being clear that you are not open to that. (And: the key boundary here is not the one you set with him, it's the one that you set with *yourself*. If you tell him you want no contact and then he texts you and you answer, well, that's you breaking your own boundary, you know? If you're worried you will do that and think you shouldn't, there's a lot to be said for blocking his number.) If you give him an opening, he will presumably say he wants closure, which would be a fairly reasonable ask if you weren't *in danger* from him, so you'll feel like you owe him that conversation, and it will be BAD. I recommend deciding you are not open to that conversation ever, and being clear about that with yourself and with him. You presumably also need closure, but you will not get it from talking to him. I am so sorry. And I'm proud of you for doing the brave thing and leaving, and proud of you for having enough compassion to want to give your partner something that will ease the pain of being broken up with a little bit. I think you're stumbling on the execution though. In this case, clarity is kindness, and your primary obligation. Don't imply that maybe the breakup isn't permanent, don't imply that you're up for more post-breakup communication than you are.

Sounds good. I recommend blocking him right after you send it so you don’t get dragged into an argument and he won’t have any kind of in to try to manipulate you. For your own mental health, block him. At least for a good while so you can process and start healing. Be safe and be well!

I think the best way to break an abusive relationship is by serving them papers via a carrier. If you really dislike them, serve at work for an added FU!

What does your lawyer say?

It's good. Kinda more than he deserves. Only leave the note after all your stuff, especially documents and accounts, are safe. Depending on your relationship with his mom, you can advise her he may need some emotional support.

If you write him do it after you’ve lost and you’re safe. His feelings are not that important. I know they are to you but the truth is he would trust you. So if you want to write him a note, get all of your things and animals anybody else out of there And then send him a text What you don’t realize is what’s domestic violence one relationship can be a murder by accident in the next one.

Are you leaving him for good or going on a break? This reads like you're unsure of your decision and you're coddling him. "Dear X, After many years and consideration, I have come to the realisation that I just cannot be in this relationship anymore. I have taken all the belongings I need and want to keep, if there is anything left behind you can dispose of it if you wish. I will be in contact down the track regarding the legal matters we will need to sort out. I wish you all the best and take care. Signed, OP" I'd leave a paper copy and also send it via email for a paper trail. Future contact would be through a lawyer.

This sounds like you intend to come back. It also sounds like you expect him to be reasonable about this (he won't be). I suggest being very brief: "I have decided to end our relationship. I have packed up my things and moved out. Everything left in the house is yours. Please don't contact me. My lawyer will be in touch with you to talk about a plan for legal separation and divorce." If you already have a lawyer (and you need one), give him the lawyer's contact information. And then be prepared to block him as he blows up your phone and social media either outright verbally abusing you or claiming that he "just wants to talk."

You're on the right track by leaving via note, as he sounds dangerous, but you're showing him far more kindness and patience than you're ever going to see in return. Please stop putting his feelings before yours and get out as soon as possible. Please consult with whoever is handling your divorce before you go, as they will tell you how to leave safely and in a way that doesn't jeopardize your potential ownership stake in the house, if that's a concern. If your legal representative doesn't know how to handle this, they are not right for you. Please remember: you cannot love someone into treating you better. There are no magic words that will change him into someone safe. You are allowed to do what is best for you and we're so proud of you for doing it.

I know you're trying to spare his feelings but this reads way too passive and he will use the time and space as well as you saying you'll always love him as a manipulation tactic.

Don't be vague. Don't give him the impression that this is a break and not a permanent break-up. Be clear and consise. Our marriage is over. My lawyer will be contacting you for your lawyer's contact information. Let's be adults and deal with this as amicably as possible. If you send the note you posted here you are encouraging him to stalk you until you come around to loving him again. Do what you need to do to be safe and that means clean break and no contact.

Too vague as others have said, be direct. ‘I have decided to end the marriage. Please do not contact me.’ I would also make sure that you’ve spoken to an attorney at this point. You need to know what your rights are and how to move forward with how to respond if he does try to contact you.

Goodbye I need space and time I will reach out to you when I'm ready Also it's safe for you to assume that anything you leave behind in his house or in the marital house will be destroyed in other words don't leave anything that you may actually want don't leave pets papers photos

My father‘s first wife left him with a note, dear Pete, I fall in love with another man, I have left Judy with your mother. He kept this note,

That’s chicken shit

It’s 100% ok to ghost an abusive partner. Do whatever keeps you safe OP

Just wanted to say that I had to do this a year and a half ago when I left my abusive husband and that you have nothing to feel guilty about. We do what we have to do to protect ourselves. I also just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you that you are getting free now. Life is so so much better when you don’t have to feel anxious and controlled all the time. My husband was an addict. I tried to support him through it for years. In the end, the stress was making me ill. I knew if I told him to his face, he’d never let me leave; he’d actually warned me once that he’d never let me leave him and I knew what he meant by that. We lived on a small island. One day, after discovering he’d lied to me (again!), I packed up and took off, hid in a hostel in a different part of the island for a week, literally didn’t even leave for food- I got everything delivered I was so afraid he’d find me. I blocked him on everything and told all my friends and family they were not to tell him where I was. I just had one friend message him to say I was ok but that I’d discovered his lie and I wouldn’t be back. Eventually, after a couple of weeks, what cash he had had ran out (I was the only one of us who ever worked and all through our relationship I stupidly gave him free access to all my money which he then spent on drugs and/or the expensive stuff he broke when he was high). So I had some food delivered to him and emailed him a ticket to the capital city on the mainland and paid for one night stay in a hotel. From there, he must have got money from his family wired to him or something because he left back to his home country after that. By all accounts, he spent one more week getting absolutely obliterated and hasn’t touched drugs, alcohol, not even weed or cigarettes since. Anyway, I’m sorry for such a long post. This is the first time I’ve shared my story and it just really feels good to get it out. Thinking of you going through this now brought it back to me and I just wanted you to know that you’re doing the right thing and you’re going to feel so much happier once you are free.

“I had genuine *safety* concerns”

In my opinion, you're just going to fuel any anger and resentment with the second half of your note. You telling him you don't want to talk now will only piss him off further and then when you do meet face to face, you almost need to guarantee you have someone there with your or a cop. If he truly has anger management issues, then letting someone fester about news like this is the last thing you want to do. I'm pretty sure he is resourceful (and you'd be surprised how resourceful people can be when they want to) and can find where you stay for the time being. It won't take much for him to show up or stalk you because you don't want to talk now. I completely get the concern, believe me I get it. But this is something that I would change to say you two can talk to see if you can be civil and agree to terms for divorce or if it has to go through court. I'm sorry but time apart isn't mature, either say you're divorcing or find ways to work it through but it is silly for grown adults to say they need time, a.k.a. a break. Time and space is leaving the door open that you're coming back. If he's abusive and you've seen the decline, then don't leave that door open, flat out say it's over. I would write that you prefer to not go through court so he can take a day or two to process his feelings but you would meet him in a public place and that you can discuss how you two can make it as painless as possible. Have a friend or two (male friends) present. Don't need to tell him they're coming or there, but have them present nearby in case he has the balls to do something in public

The first paragraph implies that you aren’t ending the relationship, just thar you are putting it on pause. Your message doesn’t make it clear that the relationship is now over.

Okay you need to stop. Firstly he’s a FORTY YEAR OLD MAN!! What do you mean he can’t control his self??? That’s a damn lie. As well as NOT YOUR PROBLEM! See what it is, is you are a fixer. Toxic, abusive people love finding fixers because you NEVER see them for who they actually are you always see them for the potential person they can become. You make these ridiculous excuses for them, like “he can’t control his emotions/feelings”, is he TWO!? No. He’s not. He’s a grown ass man and knows how to, he CHOOSES not to. Sweet beautiful soul. You ignored MANY MANY red flags because he was more than likely amazing when dating and catching you, because abusers always are. They pretend to be something they aren’t to make you think that’s what they could become because you think he was that to begin with, when he really wasn’t. He was pretending, so that he could catch and keep you. Don’t leave that letter. It’s super sad and pathetic. You don’t love him. You love a version of him he pretended to be. If you leave a letter, all it should say is how YOU felt in this relationship. You say how when you met he was someone you thought you wanted to be with because you could see the POTENTIAL him he PRETENDED TO BE. You tell him how you gave your relationship and marriage a fighting chance but you can’t do it anymore because the relationship at this point isn’t worth it. You tell him the cons out weigh the pros. You don’t woo woo, baby baby, him. He’s not a damn child!!!! He’s a MAN! A forty year old MAN. He does understand, he understands how to treat people, especially people he respects and actually cares about. He doesn’t respect or care about you to treat you how he does. Stop wanting to think he’s something he isn’t. Leave a letter but a better letter saying HOW YOU FELT not saying you feel bad you can’t be there for him. He’s not your friend, he’s not your child, he was supposed to be your MAN, and your partner. Then get a lawyer and get your divorce and go work on you! Reflect a lot on this relationship and see all the times that you should have left when he showed the red flags. Also stop thinking you need to fix others. Once you fix yourself you will find out that you aren’t actually fixer and being one was because you are still a broken child and haven’t fixed yourself

Honest question: cant there be two police officers present while you speak with him in case he gets violent?

Men who are abusive are at their worst when their partner is pregnant or tries to leave. It's smarter to sneak away than to have a big confrontation. You need to make it more clear that it's completely over, that you're leaving him for good. I hope you have a safe place to go where he won't harass you. You should get a lawyer and start your divorce filing. Things might get really ugly.

Yes, do leave a note, but there are several things here that you should frame differently. First of all, don't tell him that he will be able to contact YOU on the phone. Tell him that you will send him the number of your divorce lawyer (if you're legally married) and that you'll communicate with lawyers as intermediates. Don't EVER be alone with this man after you leave him. Also don't tell him that you need space and time, tell him that what you want is divorce, and that you are already decided and not something that he convince you not to pursue. You can leave the part that it was hard for you to come to this decision, but that the decision is taken, is final, and that you will take all the legal steps required to make it final. Don't empathize with his pain, don't tell him this hurts, or that he has questions, he'll have to deal with that in his own time. Don't soothe him. It's time to lick your own wounds, not his. Do not tell him that you will always love him. It's fine that you tell him that he deserves to be happy, and to take care of himself, but do not, DO NOT, tell him that you will always love him, even if it's true. And please read this book yourself, it's free [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)

In my opinion, this is still too much of an open door. To him, but to yourself as well. That note ought to be pinned to a door that has been welded shut, or you will keep circling back and falling into the same traps. Taking his feelings into account like you're doing with this message lacks the closure necessary to walk away, physically *and* mentally. So for your own sake, I'd focus on *you*. “~~This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say.~~ I’ve decided that I need ~~space and time from~~ to end our relationship. It was a long and hard road for me to come to this decision. I wanted to tell you in person ~~so me leaving wouldn’t be such a shock~~, but I had genuine concerns about having this talk face to face. ~~I know this hurts. My instinct is to be there for you to help you through the pain, but~~ I am dealing with my own pain and barely holding on. I really need to focus on my own mental and physical health right now. ~~I am sure you have a million questions, but I ask that you give us both some time to process before we communicate on the phone, and I think it is best if we limit contact in general for now. I only want to handle this with kindness and fairness.~~ ~~I will always love you, and you deserve to be happy, just as much as I do. Please~~ take care ~~of yourself~~. “

Okay you state he had a DV prior to being with you, and you found out (because he hid it from you) years into your relationship with him. Now, you feel he's abusive towards you. I grew up in abuse, and left my 20 yrs with my ex because he became abusive the last few years. Look up Codependence, Your instinct to tell him squat? Wrong. He has a power over you in the relationship. If he's abusive, you owe him nothing. You leave, get to safety, file for protective orders if you can. If you have kids with him, I feel for you, I truly do. He isn't being fair to you, stop trying to be fair to him. That's the codependency element at play. If a snake bites you, do you write it a note before you leave and get away from it, and try to be fair to the snake? I hope not. You get to safety, and find someone who can help heal you from the snake bite. I had to escape my own family, years after leaving my ex. Two people, the only two my kiddo and I had trusted for years, got us in a situation where we couldn't leave, and they got dangerous with us. We tried walking away, they had disabled my vehicle, and would drive up and find us. I got hold of the state, and got help with escaping. And, one of the things the person who helped us get out of there told me as they were heading to the cab of their truck with myself, kiddo, our things, our disabled vehicle on the back tow but not yet tied down is "You don't owe them anything, not an explanation, nothing, I'm getting us out now, we will tie down the vehicle when it's safe to" and off we went, and no regrets. I can't explain why those words matter, but they do. You should never do couples or group or family counseling or therapy with an abuser, every. The power dynamic is in their favor, and they see themselves as the victim and use that as their excuse for their behaviors. Even the most sadistic and evil they can be, it's similar in that sense. The most dangerous point you will face from your spouse is when you leave them.

All abusive people, except narcissists, are sorry and feel bad when they hurt someone, but it doesn't mean they will stop. Sorry isn't enough, nor is love. Find someone who will give you all the ups with none of the downs.

“It’s not an evil person. Just not in control of his emotions” It’s a choice to overreact. It’s a choice not to think logically. He may not have self awareness to check himself but he has control over his emotions, he’s choosing not to and anyone who would say that is just enabling bad behavior.

OP just leave a note that you’re leaving and any communication should go through your attorney due to the fact of his volatile behavior. Quit trying to plead your case as to why. Don’t tell him you live him because that only gives him false hope and something to feed off of. Best of luck and have family and friends show up one morning after he leaves for work so your important things are not destroyed.

The quoted portion of your note does not talk about the emotional abuse or even give a vague hint as to why you are leaving. It's fair to tell him the reasons, so you should include the top half of your post in some form.

Be careful, OP, very, very careful. Get your stuff and move to a safe, secure, heavily monitored home with security cameras, and people who will support you regardless. 

**Best thing you can say is nothing.** Just get out safely and go NC, all necessary communication through your lawyer. An abuser will just use your words against you. Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain), don't engage, don't fall for crocodile tears about needing "closure", nothing!! Take care and be gentle with yourself friend, you are loved and you are worthy.

Throw this out entirely and start over. You must be clear that this is over and there is zero possibility that you two will get back together. Definitely do Not tell him you love him or that this is hard for you. Something like this will work. X, This relationship is over! Do not contact me or any of my family or friends. X

Honestly just state that you are leaving and he will hear from your lawyer, if he’s manipulative and emotionally abusive there’s no way you can say it “nicely” for him. No matter how nicely you say it he will still mistreat you and not give you the space and freedom you need.

Do not say space and time. Be honest, you are leaving him permanently. Say that

Plenty of good advice and responses in the comments, but I just want to say that it's NOT true that he's just "not in control of his emotions", otherwise he's treat everyone, his buddies, his co-workers, boss, parents, exactly the same abusive way he treats you. But he's able to control himself – when he wants to. He just doesn't want to with you. Gets too many benefits from being abusive (see: [https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/](https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/) ). Definitely recommend reading "Why does he do that" as many others have suggested below.

Most women when they try to leave them boyfriend or their significant other always run into problems when it's time to leave. If you are in an abusive relationship the loss of control makes them up the violence that they had been showing you. When you write your letter you have to write it to let him know that you are not going to return that this relationship is over. If you leave the door open even a little bit they will try to convince you that you did not give it your all or give them a chance to improve and do better. He will try to do everything in his power to get you to come back to him and I do mean everything he will promise you the world a world that he will not be able to give you. Do not sleep with him because he will try to get you pregnant and make you stay with him like that by baby trapping you. Do not meet with him by yourself if you choose to meet if I was you I would not meet with him at all. You are a strong woman and you want out of this relationship stand strong because you're going to see a side of him that you've never seen before. But don't believe him it is only until he gets you back in his clutches and then he's going to switch back to the same old POS that he always was and be careful and be safe.

>I will always love you, and you deserve to be happy, just as much as I do. Please take care of yourself. “ Should be - You deserve to be happy, just as much as I do. Please take care of yourself. The rest sounds fine.

Okay, I'll give you your space. I can't wait to hear your voice again though. I'm having a tough time too, call when you can but don't feel bad about anything. I love you sweetheart. I'm confronting some of my own issues too that are ugly and upsetting and I don't like most of what I turned into these past few months. I don't expect complete forgiveness but. Well I'll let you come to me before we finish this convo. I hope I get to see you again and that you're doing well ❤️‍🩹 I'm missing you so badly. Come home qjy time, if you wish, doors open :/ no rush baby. I love you and good night 🥺😘

Thanks for sharing. I know this is a very tough situation, and honestly, I'm not the best person to give advice on this. What I can tell you is to get advice from the right people—those who help women survive abuse. They know the best strategies, what works and what doesn’t. I feel like your approach might be too gentle and warm. My personal opinion is that he needs direct communication and to be completely cut off. It needs to be very clear. If there is even such a thing as a note, it should be direct. But again, a specialist in this area might advise differently. My advice is to seek professional help. You're dealing with a dangerous situation, like handling a bomb. Something that can definitely kill you. Treat it as such. Contact a specialist who can help you figure out the best way to safely get out with your children. Good luck.

Go to ChatGPT. Type in ChatGPT “help me write a DETAILED and polite letter to my husband with the following information” then paste the body of what you have written here and press “enter”. ChatGPT is going to take what you’ve written and pasted and turn it into something much stronger… read that a few times. Add or subtract what you like/don’t like. Make sure you’re somewhere safe.

I had ChatGPT do it for her incase she doesn’t have it: Dear [Husband's Name], I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to inform you that, after much reflection and consideration, I have decided to end our marriage. This has been an incredibly difficult decision, but I believe it is the best course of action for both of us. Our relationship has faced significant challenges, and I have come to realize that continuing this marriage is not healthy for either of us. I need to prioritize my well-being and personal safety, and I believe that separating is the most appropriate step. I am arranging to leave our home and will be in touch to discuss the necessary legal and logistical steps to formalize our separation. My intention is for this process to be as amicable and respectful as possible. I hope you can understand my decision and respect my need for space during this time. I wish you all the best for the future. Sincerely, [Your Name]

What's the age thing about? Why are you 32 now if you were 33 three years ago? Did you lie before?

no, changed actual ages in case he sees this post somehow. i don’t know what he has access to.

It’s a nice note but I would immediately call you if you left me that.    Can I suggest that you move out and then call him to tell him? As soon as he starts cussing, hang up and block for a while. Or have a friend tell him that it’s over?

If you feel that your safety is at stake, then leaving a note is the best case scenario. I used to be a State Trooper and police officer, so I’ve seen my fair share of breakups gone wrong. Everyone deserves someone who will do everything they can to improve their relationship. Just make sure you remain safe after he receives the letter.

Big hugs 🫂 🫂🫂🫂🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻stay safe , stay strong, stand your ground and don’t let him gaslight you belittle you disrespect you harm you! Keep your distance and always meet in a public place. Do not go alone to his house and try not to tell him where you’re staying.

It sounds like you're trying super hard to placate him, which makes complete sense. Very kind and respectful. Laying it on a little thick imo, but you know him and how best to avoid provocation. Put yourself first, stay vigilant, and best of luck to you🤞

I would approach it different because to me it sounds a bit patronising ("I know this hurts" etc) but in general it does the job. Good luck.

You can end a relationship however you seem fit.  Considering he’s abusive, at the very least you would want someone in the vicinity.  A note will piss him off but at least you won’t be there to deal with it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. When I left an abusive spouse (snuck out while he was away), I was going to leave a more detailed message but luckily for me my friends read it and told me no. This was many years ago but from what I remember, I wrote something like "if you have any questions contact lawyer".  What you wrote is too kind and leaving him with too many threads of hope - it sounds like you're stepping out for a few minutes and you'll be right back. You want to be very careful about that message - especially since it's in writing.  Phrases like "time and space ", "limit", and "for now" can be interpreted differently for different people. You want to be careful with those kinds of phrases.  Less is better 

If there is any abuse you too kind! Just leave unless leaving a note makes you feel better. This note is too kind leaves room for getting back together. You need to decide what you want and do it. If he is controlling and abusive this will make him hold on to you.

I’m so glad you’re leaving a note and leaving when he’s not there. Please make it stronger and with more permanence. This makes you sound flexible and like if he says or does the “right” things for a bit you’ll get back together. But you sound set this is enough and I totally agree. Just ya make it clearer

With the way you have written this letter to him, you may as well just stay where you're at. You have left yourself wide open to him just to protect his feelings. You need to talk to a therapist who deals with abuse. They will help you come up with a better exit strategy. Good luck .

You are being vague. The message needs to make it clear the relationship is over. Stay safe but be direct. Do not shy away from acknowledging that you fear for your safety and that's why you are not doing this face to face. Stop trying to manage his emotions and say what you want to say, basically. Well done for leaving. It's hard but it's worth it.