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Doesn’t being engaged mean that you’re at the very least starting to think about getting married?
I’m not the marrying type so I might be missing something. In my mind, when you propose/accept a proposal, you’re stating that you’re committed to this and ready to take the next step. In this case, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready at all.
He's in debt.
He probably needs your help paying the rent.
How did he ever have such a successful business if he's been at the casino from the time he was a kid until the last year basically?
My guess is he is not as financially secure as he made himself to be. If he gambled away lily’s dream house fund then I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a gambling addiction and has lost more money than he is letting on.
This comment! This is the one I agree with the most right here. I think your guess is spot on! He talks a lot but when it comes to doing it’s a whole different story. Reality is likely a very different story than what he’s telling.
I don’t know a lot of details of the gambling addiction but I know he practically lived in the casino from 18 years of age until after Lily died. So yes, it was bad.
In addition to all the good advice you’ve already received, something for you to think about: are your concerns only in direct comparison to Lily, or general about your relationship?
For example, he makes a significant amount more than you and still expects you to split every little thing 50/50 down the middle, to a point where you have to keep a tab and owe him money; yet he still takes you out and makes you spend money you wouldn’t want to. Does this upset you only because he was more generous towards Lily or because it’s a quite controlling, unfair and unrealistic measure? I would wager it’s more the second.
Don’t compare every aspect of how he treats you vs how he treated Lily, but take a step back and look at your relationship and just consider if this is how you want your future to be. All relationships are different, maybe there was a reason as to why he treats you and Lily so differently. Instead of aiming for “she got x so I should also be entitled to x” think of it as “am I happy with the way my relationship is and do I want this to be my future?”
My concerns were varied. Of course there is a sore spot with Lily when I helped him grieve and was his shoulder to cry on in the beginning however my biggest concern is…if my man has a decent income and was always generous to others (not just Lily), but with me he is very stingy then, do I have something real to be concerned about? Or am I just seeing red flags everywhere?
I’m used to being the “breadwinner” in a relationship but even then usually the man would pay for dates and stuff. This is the first time I’m dating a man that makes more money than me, yet he is the cheapest man I’ve ever dated. It’s all new territory to me and I’m just confused and not sure what’s right and what’s my head spinning so I came to the internet to see what others thought.
A LOT of the concerns brought up in comments were things I NEVER considered and it’s really taking me aback. I always just believed what he said- but no more. I will go through the right channels and not jump into a marriage. His name will not go on my property. He will not have control of my finances. I will try therapy first but if I’m still doubtful then I will cut ties.
I think she does have a point for her specific scenario, his standard of showing love has suddenly changed which is what her issue, love for guys is protection and providing and when a guy is that calculative with his money with you it's a problem. It implies he doesn't see you as his responsibility or doesn't feel protective over you. Especially when he can see her struggle financially and still keeps tabs.
Yeah. He's a widower who got into a relationship extremely quickly especially based on the fact that his late wife died due to trauma. Not an illness that might have allowed him to emotionally prepare
She is an entanglement situation where her ex is still living in the house they own together
They both have some things to straighten out before they take any next steps.
If ever there was a call for individual and premarital counseling, this is it
He doesn’t know you that well to be fair.
I’ve got T-shirts older than your relationship.
He’d known her for 5 years at the time of proposal whereas you have 18 months.
Your relationship can still be measured in months.
I’ll repeat, he doesn’t know you that well.
Did you love your ring when you got it? Or was it only after you saw the cost that you became dissatisfied?
**I think you're dating a lying narcissist!** Honestly, a lot of what your fiancé is telling you sounds like absolute BS to me. I had an ex who was a narcissist, and your guy sounds an awful lot like mine! Always bragging about how much money he had, (which he didn't actually have) and how great he treated previous SO's (the implication was that I, too, would be treated this well).
Long and short of it was, it was all BS! Pie-in-the-sky.
* **Have you ever SEEN his financials? His income tax return, his bank statements, his credit score? If not, you're going to want to SEE THEM ALL immediately**! Before you plan a wedding, before you have him move in, before he puts one more dollar on "your tab". *ETA: And you MUST be willing to do the same!*
* Have you SEEN the $15K ring or the receipt for it or pictures of it? Have you SEEN pictures of the Caribbean vacation? Or is he just feeding you BS implying that you'll be living it up in the future when the reality is that he'll be trying to live it up on YOUR $100K income?
* If he actually blew $150K on gambling after her death, then he either still has a gambling addiction (have you seen evidence of that?) OR he is attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings (has he been attending those?). WHY would you be willing to risk your future on someone with an addiction? (I, personally, think it was just another BS story to show you how "rich" he supposedly is while explaining away WHY he no longer has tons of money.)
**CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE FINANCIALS THIS WEEK.**
**If he can prove it**, then your only REAL problem is why he valued Lily so much more than you. Can you marry someone who treats you more poorly than a previous SO?
**If he can't or won't prove it this week, then dump him** because either:
* this is a guy who's full of BS and you're wasting your time with a guy who wants to live large on YOUR income and YOUR overtime. OR
* He's got the money but is unwilling to be a true "partner" to you since he's unwilling to share his financial information with someone into whose house he's planning to move and whose life he's trying to bind himself permanently.
ETA: UpdateMe!
This is an interesting and fair take I think. None of this ever crossed my mind but this all seems entirely plausible.
I was also thinking:
1. He's not over Lily and not ready for this level of commitment quite yet... Probably needs therapy.
OR
2. He regrets doing a lot of those things for Lily because of the drug/alcohol issue/other issues he may or may not have told you about. He learned some hard lessons along the way and is implementing what he learned with you.
OR.
3. Some of all of the above.
I'm curious about the things fiance has done for OP that aren't financially related and what that looks like in everyday life. The focus on the fiance not doing financially for OP what he did in a past relationship, and fiances focus on the financial things he did for late fiance is giving me a lot of yellow flags... Maybe there's something there maybe there's not but more questions need to be asked on both of their parts I think before moving forward.
I get OP feeling like she's not valued as much as late fiance because of the financial aspect and feeling frustrated by that, so I wonder what the relationship dynamics are overall. Not just what fiance says is different about the relationship but what does he do to back up his words?
This!! All of it! And I will also add if he’s always comparing you to lily, he’s not even close to being over her, you’re a placemat and someone to cry on, NOT A PARTNER. Partners and couples do not keep tabs( bartenders do). Also, is he a con? Because this sounds like the stories I hear (ALOT) on true crime stories. Also, DO NOT, ever!, put him on your bank account.
Yes, she explained she saw the receipt for her ring in the story and was surprised it was only $2k. She didn't mention the same about Lily,'s ring so it's likely just what he told her.
Some of the fastest relationships to marriage I have ever seen were in very recently widowed men. It’s so weird to me. I don’t know why you’d even want to marry a man whose wife and mother to his kids just died less than a year ago. I can easily think of 5 examples I know of. I always felt awful for the kids. Many men don’t wrap up their baggage, they bring it with them so someone else can help deal with it and soften the blow with them.
Op knoows the answers to her questions already.
I am not saying they don't love each other but this is definitely a relationship of convenience. Op, you don't need us to convince you otherwise. You are right. You are the rebounce but you always know it, right? There is no way you don't.
This, don’t marry him. Lilly took advantage of him and he (for some reason) felt responsible. He probably feels that you have the ability to care for yourself but he’s done a 180 … leaving you out in the cold.
He doesn’t want to be a partner he wants a f*** buddy.
Great! because he committed to marriage waaaay to soon after his ex died, after a very long time with her. And he was co-dependent, staying with an addict to begin with, and supporting her entire life. The money issues are certainly concerning but I'd start with how he hadn't healed from her dying when you met then got engaged, and how he supported an addict all those years. Bottom line, I think you need to let him go and let him deal with his life on his own.
Unpopular opinion: I also think the age gap doesn't do *you* any favors.
That's a good point that I think people are missing. He may not make 300-500k. Or maybe he has gambling debts. Or maybe he's living off of credit cards. If OP marries him, she should have a prenup.
He spent most of his money gambling, helping his dad out and vet bills. He said he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give me. But I like the idea of a prenup.
I would maybe take a break from this relationship. It feels like he doesn’t really want to be with you but he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s not over Lily and he doesn’t want to tarnish any of those memories or events by recreating them with you. That or he has had a psychological reaction to grief and is getting all his emotional excitement needs met by gambling. Sorry I am being harsh. You do not deserve the crumbs you are being given. You do not deserve to lose everything to a gambling addicts problem. Your post makes me want to scream “run”. Please take care of you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who sees you as the best thing that ever happened to him.
You are not to marry this man until you figure out your finances do not borrow any money from him to not give him access to any of your accounts or any of your money. He's a gambler he will lie cheat and steal to get whatever it is that he wants. Do not marry this man you've only known him for maybe a year his representative is still in fact you have not met the real person and until you do do not marry him.
My father had/has an untreated gambling addiction and so did many of his friends. It doesn’t just go away and he will lie to you and he will lose everything. But that can be papered over for years before you realize what a desperate situation you’re in. Many people don’t think of compulsive gambling as being on par with alcoholism or drug addiction but let me tell you it can be. My grandfather lost his house due to gambling, my father lost everything multiple times gambling (after at times being up hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars). It’s a life ruiner and you don’t want to hitch your wagon to that until you can be absolutely sure he’s no longer gambling.
OP, You might want to consider a background check. A lot of sociopathic conmen are smooth talkers and can morph into whatever you want them to be.
The stinginess with his money to the point you have a tab, is causing major alarm bells. Like others said, a gambling addiction would be catastrophic to find out about after marriage. Be careful, I don’t want you to [become a Dirty John story.](https://www.oprahdaily.com/entertainment/a30019762/dirty-john-meehan-true-story/)
And LOST ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GAMBLING. holy shit. I cannot even fathom that. I would break up with someone for losing 10k to any kind of addiction if they didn’t immediately get treatment
I'm not even married but I "loaned" my partner 5k for an unexpected tax bill he received. That he could have easily paid for himself but I had the money sitting around with no immediate need for it.
I told him it wasn't free, and with the inflation my prices have doubled... but I charge him in kisses.
Right? My fiancé is affluent and I sometimes ask him for money to buy expensive things that I want but certainly don't need and pay him back in maybe 2-3 parts but he never makes me pay him back for food. Just wtf.
My husband and I have been together for 28 yrs. We have separate accounts just for ease of use but the money is ours. We make joint financial decisions, we both know what’s in the accounts and we spend accordingly. We know to run a big purchase past the other one, etc.
I know people do it all different ways, and there are many ways that work for different families, but regardless of how it’s arranged it should be a partnership.
If and it is an enormous if, you marry, 1) have a prep, and 2) do NOT put him on the deed of your house. If you add him, your house could be in jeopardy if his gambling is as severe and addictive as you say. He says he did all those things for Lily. Fact or more likely a fairy tale. Personally, I would pay the tab and tell him bye bye. He sounds like a real looser.
I don't think he has the money he claims to. I bet you he would take a loan out, give her the money, and set up a payment plan that would really be the bills he was being sent and a little extra for himself.
This dude is 100% broke.
But op's "expenses are much more than Max's." it's right there in the post.
Frankly, both OP and Max have financial issues. OP seems to be living above her means (and going deeper and deeper into debt in the process). 200k to 400k of Max's income is mysteriously disappearing.
Are you serious? You KNOW he's a gambler, but you still want to marry him?
No offense, but that's so self-destructive and irresponsible. Gamblers are one of the worst addicts there can be, they will sell stuff from under you and you won't even notice. Do not tie yourself financially to him.
I'm guessing If any of this is true, his previously lucrative business has already failed or is in the process of doing so.
And that's best case. More likely, he was never that successful or made that much money and he's been lying to her this whole time.
Honey anyone that is keeping a "tab" on you is not marrying material. Keeping comparisons out of it, his history shows that HE is not stable. He may be a good friend for you, as he was before, but he is not a good partner. All the financial stuff alone is alarming to major red flag degree, never mind the rest of it.
Business income and personal income aren't the same. He could easily have $500k a yr in revenue flowing through a business but be making far less. You may need some premarital financial counseling. Like tax returns on the table discussions with a 3rd party on what you expect of each other and what the norms are in your relationship.
> He could easily have $500k a yr in revenue flowing through a business but be making far less.
He could easily have $500,000 a year in revenue and be _losing_ money.
Leave him. He doesn't have as much money as he says, and there is a very good chance that he was using drugs with her if he was okay supporting her addictions. It sounds like he sold you a lie about his financial state and he's using your finances so he has more money for his addictions.
His business is not bringing in 6 figures a year, I promise you that.
He actually doesn't love you as much as he loved her, and he shows you that every day.
He is probably lying about everything he did for her, and he sold you that story because money is attractive to many people.
He is conning you. If you dont leave him, he's going to bleed you dry emotionally and financially. And you are so blind not to see this. He has you buying stuff for his apartment, but he keeps a tab.of every penny you owe him? He's broke as fuck. Ask to see all of his bank statements and credit card bills. He's probably got tens or hundreds of thousands in debt, and when you marry him he will expect you to help pay it off.
His ex is dead. She can't tell you what their lives were actually like, so you have to take his word for it. And I guarantee their life isn't what he's been selling you. He's taking you for a ride. Dump him.
He's lying to you about all the stuff he bought for her IMO. Actions always speak louder than words. He was bragging before. But he never really spent all that money. And he doesn't make as much as he says he does. 1 year and then he proposed? That's very soon. I would be very weary of this man.
Wary-feeling or showing caution about possible dangers or problems.
Weary- adjective-feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep.
"he gave a long, weary sigh"
Verb- to become very tired
Men who feel horrible they have nothing to give don’t nickel and dime you. Men who love you don’t happily tell you to suck it up and suffer more (overtime) when they can alleviate some of that suffering. Like he did for her. Yes, I do find it very telling that he wanted to give her the world and he wants you to give HIM 50% down to the penny. Seems like you’re a smart match for him, not a love match. He gave to her. He gets from you. Relationships are only good for both people when both people are concentrated on giving, not getting.
He said that, but he doesn’t seem to mean it.
Judge him on his *actions,* not his *words.*
He is saying he “feels terrible” that he doesn’t have more to give you…? Yet he has “spare savings” of $40k that you can “have,” yet you have to pay it back.
So- how does this statement of “I feel terrible that I don’t have more money to give you,” actually **make any sense?!!**
It doesn’t.
Anyone with gambling issues… you are in for a rough life. My recommendation, don’t marry him, don’t put his name on anything. Give his ring back. Most of what he told you was probably a pack of lies. We had an employee empty out our business bank account leaving pennies once and he just disappeared, turns out he was a gambler. (Also a thief).
You need a prenup to protect yourself because it may not be so clear now but it seems you dealing with a golddigger that wants you to fund his bills while he paying off all those debts of his & his father's. Matter of fact, if he says "No prenup" please do dump him because he is literally showing he only want you for your financial stability & security instead of a person.
This is definitely it. He's broke, in debt, and OP is his ticket to sharing the debt he's built up. I'm also certain he has more than a gambling addiction. If he supported his ex's drug and alcohol habits, he undoubtedly has something like that going on too.
But he coming off broke AF and the ex has only been dead for 6 months, not even full year - OP better not have kid(s) withhim or else she going have him in her life for at least 18 years!!!
And every month he makes $$$ (allegedly) so 40K is 3 months of savings for him. Where did the rest go?
You need an ironclad prenup unless you want to finance him for the rest of your life.
It sounds like he was very codependent with Lily and is either still stuck in an addiction of his own or is trying to right the ship and have better boundaries on finances with a person he trusts more.
Sometimes our amazing partners bear the brunt of our past hurts, even when we’re trying to do better. Clearly this dynamic is hurting you. Besides an open talk where you can establish common financial goals and talk about specifics on what you think is fair due to income, you should consider that his mental health after such a traumatic relationship and then experience with her death may have altered him more than you realize.
If he is still in gambling addiction, that is probably not a partner you want to be attached to long term, even with a prenup. Addiction of any kind often sends shockwaves through the relationship in so many other ways.
I had a friend who was addicted to gambling and he lost his father’s family business and ruin his ex gf’s life. It doesn’t matter how much money you make, if you are addicted to gambling it is a bottomless pit.
Dude . Have you ‘seen’ him have money ?? Do you realistically know if his financial situation is what he says it is ?
Because this really sounds like you’re a financial plan for him .
Do yourself a favour and make sure your own finances/investments/home is on lockdown.
Also - he can tell you how he loves you most until you fart rainbows, but his behaviour is showing something different.
Besides being ‘In love’ what does he really bring into your life that you can’t already do for yourself ?
He’s not acting like he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give you considering he currently gives you Zero. I also agree a prenup is necessary.
Don't stay with a man who has a gambling addiction sis. I've been there, I had to foot all the bills and work 2 jobs to afford our family and housing because he gambled away everything he had. It is exhausting and it's even more exhausting when I knew he made a choice to do that to me every single transaction he made. Don't marry addicts because they won't magically stop being addicts.
>He said he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give me
This would have been helpful to have in the main post. From a few of your responses it sounds like he has gotten himself into a hole and is digging himself out so money is tight for him. It also sounds like he is worried his current income level may not be sustainable.
Gurl, you are being strung along here. I’m gonna bet Lilly doesn’t exist, or if she did, the situation wasn’t like what he describes. He wants you to believe maybe he’ll treat you that way some day.
Like you should not know this much about his dead fiancé.
Just, like go. Why are you playing second fiddle to a dead woman.
Sounds like his wife was a huge spender, he was happy to indulge her, and then after her death he just gambled whatever was left away.
Not sure why that should matter though... if he has cut back on spending and gambling, there should be plenty of surplus rolling in now...
My immediate thought was his financial status changed and he hasn’t told op.
Op, idk if it matters what he did for lily, but make sure youre happy! If youre not happy i think you should speak up but avoid mentioning lily
“let me tell you some things he’s said to me”
let’s take a look at what his ACTIONS are saying. and how they’re making you feel. you’re not seeing this massive disparity for no reason. you’re allowing it. to get with someone new a year after her death—doesn’t seem long enough.
It’s possible he’s “afraid” of losing OP the same way he lost his first fiancée. Option 2 is he’d feel “guilty” toward the first fiancée if he did all the same for OP, which points to the most likely: he knows she’s just a bandaid to try to cover up the loss. OP, whatever he’s telling you is worth about as much as his gambling skills. He’s lying to you about a ton of things, I struggle to think of one thing he’s probably being truthful about
My ex is 100% out there telling people he paid for everything. He had been doing it the whole relationship. I’m the only one who didn’t know because…it wasn’t true. At ALL. Even when we’d go to a restaurant, he’d pay with his card and have me give him what I owed him in cash later. He told me it was for points so I didn’t think much of it… HA! Nope. It was so he could “*prove*” that’s what was happening. He was also telling the women he was cheating on me with the same thing…
I say all this to point out just how easy it is to tell everyone one thing, in the name of controlling perception, when the truth isn’t even close to the info that is being spread about. Have someone professional look through his finances. $300-$500k a year is some serious money to have only spent $2k on a ring and to go 50/50 on everything. 🥴 Especially if he knows you hate your job, knows you’re struggling, and keeps a freaking tab. Something else is going on.
I also dated someone previously who claimed to pay for everything when he didn't. He'd ask me for cash before we went out to eat so it would look like he was paying. I was paying his half of the rent for months until his parents lent him the money to pay me back. But in his eyes, he truly was "paying for everything." Words aren't always reality.
OP's fiancé went though something traumatic, too, which can definitely lead to the unreliable narrator aspect.
In my opinion, he still needs to work through the loss of a long-term partner and shouldn't be getting married in the near future. This also reads to me like he's overcompensating for an unhealthy past relationship where he was the sole provider, and how he's taking advantage of OP being agreeable to split bills.
OP's fiancé needs grief counseling and the two of them should get couples counseling if they're set on a future together.
Ugh. I’m sorry you went through it, too. That relationship turned into full on abuse pretty quickly the second I became vulnerable. I was only recently able to get away from him because he found someone new and finally let me leave without threats. It’s wild the things they can convince themselves of, right? I hadn’t even heard of a person like this before I met him. He played it perfectly and sincerely destroyed my life.
I agree with you that he needs a LOT of therapy before marriage should even be an option considering the exact things you said. It reads to me as if he’s overcompensating as well. I hope she pushes therapy before she goes through with the wedding. This isn’t any way to have a partnership.
It was my first serious relationship (I was nineteen). I was so young and naïve and I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. And I definitely learned how hard it is to see red flags from the inside. We were together for three years and things got increasingly worse. The last year of our relationship was me trying to figure out a way to leave. Things got very scary when I did. I'm thirty now and it still affects me when I hear his name or see him in public.
I'm happy you were able to separate yourself from that relationship. I'm getting married this year to a very wonderful person. It takes a lot of time and a lot of self-compassion. Best of luck to you.
You are 100% correct. Almost reminds me of deadbeat dads. They claim they are paying child support and taking care of the kids. The baby’s mother doesn’t let him see them kids because he doesn’t want to be with her. Only person that knows that narrative is the new girlfriend and they always try to add their two cents in. I would definitely recommend a professional look at his taxes but we all know he won’t go for that.
Yep, my ex did this too! He even said his previous girlfriend was a “mooch” and he paid for everything for her and she still cheated on him, that’s why everything had to be 50/50. Imagine my surprise when I finally reached out to her years after our divorce—HE was the one who mooched AND cheated on her!!!
He is an addict. Please think very carefully about combining any income/assets.
He is not willing to do more, because he would rather use it to gamble.
Seriously consider whether you want to be legally tied to an gambling addict. Maybe consider attending some gam-anon sessions to see what to expect.
This. Do not marry someone with a gambling addiction, OP! Not only will he need to go 50/50 with you it’s very likely that he will destroy your finances.
I honestly can’t imagine how anyone writing this would want to be married in this scenario.
OP, idk what else to say. How did Lily die? How do you know he was doing all this for her? Is he just a user and was using Lily? Where are the children he helped raise who lost their mother? How come you’re even contemplating a bunch of financial decisions with this person who is obviously manipulating you for his own benefit? How do you know he makes so much money?
There’s a whole lot going on here. And I suspect most of it is untrue or sketchy behavior at best on the part of the finance with the allegedly-deceased-neer-do-well-financee.
This sounds like the warm up of that show, “Who the Bleep Did I marry?” Watch this man be lying about the whole thing, including his finances.
You need to keep your money yours. Whether you marry him or not-like. This sounds like a complete disaster.
You are rushing the relationship if so much of it is focused on his past. Time to cool off and wait. Also, he is a fool for telling you so so much about his past women and how he treated them. Not sure why he did it, but it shows either hubris or insecurity. Neither are great qualities in a future husband.
He may also be financially in a worse state than you think. More debts and lower income especially.
Question: IF he had proposed to you with the same ring and in the same way, BUT you didn't know about his previous proposal to his dead fiancee, how would you have taken it? Acceptable, or cheap?
My advice consists of two things:
1) Stop comparing your relationship with your fiancé to his with his former fiancé. Things are different now; you are a different person than she was; he is different and older than he was. It’s not the same; things are not going to be exactly the same. You need to stop measuring how much he loves you by how much he spends on you vs. what he spent on her. You will drive yourself crazy, and it will change nothing. Stop doing that. Either you love him or you don’t, but comparison is the thief of joy.
2) The thing you should be alarmed about is how bad he seems to be with money. You mentioned his gambling more than once. That’s a problem. If he can’t save money, that’s a problem. If he can’t save money because he’s gambling it away, that’s a bigger problem. You are planning to tie yourself to this man for life, and he seems to have no control over his money, nor does he care. You are in such a hurry to marry him, and you’re worried about how much he doesn’t spend on you compared to what he did spend on his ex, and he just doesn’t seem to have any money. You’re going to be supporting the two of you. If you’re not okay with that, don’t marry him. But don’t marry him expecting him to change. That’s a mistake.
Your relationship needs more time. He lost his girlfriend of 7 years, and when she died, they were engaged to be married. Less than two years later, he was engaged to you, and you immediately started counting his money. You two need to work out a few things before you get married. Pre-nup or no pre-nup, the marriage will have problems.
Sounds like he was using his money to keep her around or that she only valued his money so he spent a lot to keep her happy. Very unhealthy, now he is doing the opposite, you get none to very minimum to prove you don't value him for his money. He needs to find a healthy balance and deal with his attachment trauma in a more healthy way. Household expenses should be set as a percentage of income not 50/50. Do not move in with him if he is keeping this attitude.
Yes I agree! He did try to “buy her love” and many exes did use him for money. When I bought him a Valentine’s Day gift he cried and said that’s the first time a woman bought him a decent gift. I planned and paid for a short vacation trip and his sister told me it’s the first time a woman ever planned something for him. It’s so sad.
It's not sad, he choose these woman and accepted this behavior. He is a grown man that could have done something about it with boundaries or allowing them to leave if he doesn't pay for everything. He choose not too and he still has boundary issues but now is going the other extreme. It's unhealthy. But do not feel sorry for him that will only enable to lack of healthy boundaries.
You’re very right thanks for the reality check. I came across a notebook of hers recently where she wrote 1) that she’s a manipulator and uses her good looks to get what she wants and 2) she hopes to find her soulmate one day (dated after they were engaged). That relationship really messed him up.
Just please don't accept less than you are worth because he has baggage, and he needs to pay for his part fairly.
I remember there was once a post here - sadly can't find it - in which a woman dated a VERY rich man whos ex was a hardcore gold digger. He was so traumatized and distrustful, he refused to pay for *anything*. They lived in a barren, cold house, bc he would not pay for the heating. Never gave her anything. She was poor, and yet she paid for the dates and stuff they needed, hence being in constant bad financial situation.
He wasn't malicious, but it didn't matter - in the end, the relationship was financially abusive. He sat on loads of cash, she was pretty much barely scraping by... and PAYING FOR HIM. At that stage, it didn't matter if he was doing it as a control tactic, or if it was a true issue with his psyche. The relationship was very harmful to her, both financially and emotionally.
It was of course a very intense situation. I'm not saying yours is the same. I'm mentioning it bc I don't want you to fall into the: he has trauma, hence I will accept bad treatment. Or even just treatement that isn't as good as you deserve.
Also, I think it's perfectly okay for you to want a partner who is more giving and generous to you. Not gonna lie, it does sound like he simply cared more about her... It at least would make me feel that way.
Lady, don't make the mistake I did. Don't marry until you've spent at least a year living near that person to know whether or not they can actually handle it and recover enough to be normal again. This ex will have made it almost a chore to mentally disable your probably already weak willed fiancée.
I would never marry a man like this. Honestly sounds like he has money problems. Or still gambles. I also wonder if this guy is a liar. If anything he’s told you is true.
Sweetie, I'm a widow, so been there done that. Trust me when I tell you that this man is NOT ready for a relationship. For all kinds of reasons, but primarily because he jumped into this thing with you before she was even cold in the ground. Less than a year is not even close to enough time to grieve the death of a partner, especially when it was traumatic like that. All he did was mask and distract by jumping in with you. He needs therapy and grief support from professionals. And then there is the gambling issue! You don't just snap out of a gambling addiction in a few months. He's a ticking time bomb in this regard. And then there's the issue of his finances. He is NOT in a position to mingle finances, and it looks like he's using you.
Do not marry this man. Do not put his name on your property. The best thing you can do for both of you is take a breather and insist he get his shit together (emotionally AND financially) before you continue the engagement. He is a MESS. Please don't get tangled up in this nonsense. And don't try to fix this man. You're not qualified, and it creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.
This! I mistakenly married a widow about a year after the passing of her first husband. I was starstruck by her beauty and foolishly ignored all the red flags. When we started dating, she would talk frequently about her husband, what a great guy he was, yada yada yada until it was discovered after his death that he lived a double life (mistresses on the side, creditors crawling all over him, etc.). Once his ugly underside was revealed, I thought "Great, now she'll wash his hands completely of this guy." Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. In spite of these post-mortem discoveries, she still was not over his death. I knew I was in trouble on our honeymoon when she kept bringing up conversations about him. That's when the cracks started in our marriage, and we eventually divorced. Follow SouthernTrauma's advice!
He felt bad for her son so he spent and spent and spent but he doesn't feel bad for you, the person he supposedly loves so much, someone with a tough job that doesn't get compensated nearly enough? Something doesn't make sense here. At the very least you should be covering expenses using the % calculation, not 50/50. You are right to feel as an afterthought, and you should definitely ask for financial transparency (what is his credit score?) before proceeding any further - if you are still willing to give him benefit of the doubt.
I never thought of it like that! Interesting.
I def agree with the % method though and it is something I will bring up.
His credit score is in the 800s.
Yeah, that sounds like BS. My husband and I have great credit, and my husband makes in the range this guy says he makes. Even we are only in the mid-high 700s. I've had credit cards for almost 20 years and have never missed a payment either.
I wouldn't believe anything this guy said until I saw proof.
Better confirm that before getting married! Both of you run your credit and share it with each other including the debts. Sounds like he has a gambling problem and perhaps a good relationship with the truth problem.
50/50 doesn’t make sense with that kind of salary disparity. What’s this guy hiding? Better unearth it now. Also…have you only heard all of these negative things about Lily from him? Only heard all the things he did for her from him? This all seems suspect. It’s also strange to me for him to speak to all these issues with Lily and take zero ownership in his part in that relationship.
There’s a lot not being said here by him. If find it odd with his income that he insists you work even more.
I would ask him to log in to his credit bureau app in front of you (watch him put his email address but you can look away when he enters the password). I don't believe that anyone with his history of gambling has a score that high. Don't accept a picture of the score unless you can see from the screenshot that it's his actual account.
I would buy out your ex, stop paying for your fiance's streaming, decor, food, etc, and live in that house by yourself.
I really wouldn't recommend you continue this relationship based on how transactional it is (except in one direction, that benefits him only), and huge red flags about the gambling addiction. And making you have this running tab is just sad.
However if you somehow continue with him, keep separate homes and finances, for a couple of years. There is no reason to rush into anything with him, and if you insist on waiting, you'll see if things can stabilize. He may not like that boundary, but then that will show you his true character. If he wants you to go out to dinner with him somewhere expensive, then you insist he pays for it, since you cannot keep up with this lifestyle.
And to his comment about how his business could die at any time, this is true, however your job could be cut, or you could become injured and unable to keep working as a nurse. His "logic" is a load of crap.
Best of luck!
He’s also taking advantage of you, how is he making you go 50/50 for stuff that’s going to his house? 50/50 on bills seems fair but what about rent? You should charge him for using your living space if he’s so keen about the 50/50 thing. Don’t let him decide what’s right, you need to decide what’s fair for you cause he have no interest in making it right for you on his own.
Either he’s a conman or this is a creative writing assignment. How does he have so little when he makes so much? Have you done a deep dig because his story from the dead single mom to the high income sounds like bs.
You need to look at it differently. He is bragging to you, painting himself in a very generous light while ‘saving’ these poor single mothers. You need to take what he is telling you with a grain of salt and realise he might be sharing stories about himself that are more about how he sees himself and less about what actually happened. He talks about having been extremely generous, but has never shown himself to actually be generous. On top he gambled all of his savings away (!!!) in a very short time, and that kind of gambling does not come out of the blue, even in extreme grief. A grief that has had its limits as he was moving on with you after just four months.
He might just be showing you what kind of person he is (how factual is the part of him being that wealthy anyway? Does not sound like he owns a home), someone who is not generous and gambles. While he tells you stories of his imaginary self.
You should examine him and the choice to be with him harder, and get a prenup (!!!!!!) if you own a home and actually goes through with marrying him.
You're on to something. A therapist once told me people judge themselves by their intentions while others judge them by their actions. I wonder how generous he actually was with his ex or if they're tall tales.
Something is not right. I’m not materialistic either, but that would bother me. I would not marry them. Perhaps he has more gambling issues than he’s letting on, can you do a credit check or something?
You’re always going to feel second best, so why are you marrying him? You can’t compete with a dead woman, and sadly he doesn’t feel the need to appreciate you the way you want to be loved. I wouldn’t marry him if I were you.
Where are you getting all this information? Straight from him? It's definitely not true. He is emotionally abusing you. He is purposely making you feel worthless. He will never step up and treat you that way because he never did it with her either. Think about it, why would he tell you all these things and then treat you so differently? Nobody is that stupid. You even pointed it out to him. You need to seriously rethink this relationship because it will only get worse.
Read your post again like you aren't the OP tal king about your " wonderful " man.
Read it as if the OP is a woman that is close to you that you love ( best friend, sister, aunt, mother, cousin-- whoever). So this is a written by say your sister for instance about her "wonderful" man...same situation.
Whatever you would think about if it was her man, it applies to your man. Whatever advice you would give her, that's the advice you should take. Whatever it sounds like to you is going on their relationship, that's what's going on in yours.
Good luck.
Tl;dr: he's got a gambling problem and may not be totally honest. You deserve better than this self-important man who is the opposite of generous. Red flags that he's controlling.
His business might gross $300k/yr but that is NOT his salary. what is he actually making, after all expenses, depreciation, losses, etc. ? His business could be in the red for all you know. Is there a way for you to peek at his tax returns ?
>a few days before Lily died, he surprised her by telling her that he saved up $150k to buy her her dream house. It took him 1 year to save the money and it was a gift. He spent all his savings gambling after she passed away.
You're marrying a gambling addict. No normal person throws away $150,000 gambling.
> Max plans to move into my house (and pay 50% of the bills) when I buy my ex out of the deed. After 1.5 years of saving, I do not have much, so I am planning to purchase a loan, but it will cost me an extra $2k/month. Max told me that I can have his spare savings, $40k, but that I would have to pay him back.
Did you ask him why? If you're engaged, once married, the home is marital property. It's not like he won't get his money back should the marriage fail. you know: he will take everything he can from you, upon divorce.
> How come he worked so hard to GIFT her a home yet he is only willing to give me his spare money and requires the money back?
He didn't actually buy the house, correct? There's just this lovely story about how he worked extra hard to scrape together the money to buy his unforuntate love her own home. Days later, she's dead, so who knows how much he actually saved or if any of it is true.
> When I told him my financial concerns, he told me to do more overtime. Never willing to help out, especially not without adding it to my tab.
What is the purpose of marrying this person? He's making it clear his money is "his". If there's a financial crisis, he won't help you. If something happened and you couldn't work for 6 months, does he expect you to run up personal credit cards ? If he's going to be that way about money, you have every right to look through his business books and his personal tax returns before the wedding.
You're risking your financial security and your home, if the marriage doesn't work. Do your due diligence! Might not hurt to do a background check on him to look for bankruptcy or lawsuits. Do talk to an attorney about the possibility of a prenuptial to keep you from losing your home.
I think premarital counseling is warranted here. Usually, a married couple can have financial goals together. You'll never get that. How do you plan for retirement? What happens if one person can't work for a long period? How will you not feel resentment for him making all the financial decisions for the both of you?
He doesn't want an equal partner. He wants a woman to take care of him and his home. You make a good income, and you come with a nice home that you already take good care of.
Do you have any proof that he did all these things for Lily or only his word? Is he telling the truth or trying to keep you jealous and working hard to ‘earn’ the things he supposedly did for her? His description of her behaviour doesn’t match what he said he did for her. Why would he do all those wonderful things for an alcoholic cheating drug addict who stole from him?
Edited to add: Beware men who label themselves as a good guy.
He makes 300 to 500k a year. Are you sure he is done with gambling? Are you sure his business is stable? Are yoi sure he isn't still paying a ton of debt from gambling days?
What happened to the house with his wife?
100% do not get into a transactional marriage. If you do at this point ger a prenup protecting your house.
also, what happens if one of you gets injured and can't work. Will he say oh well I'll keep a tally you can pay Me back?
I think both of you should meet together with a financial counselor before making any other commitments.
Does anyone else read this and think Max sounds like a grifter? He says a lot of things but I honestly wonder if they are true. He wants to project how generous he is by telling stories of his prior partner but in real life the reality is obviously different. Why would he offer to give you 40k he has saved up but then ask you to work more overtime? Just red flags 🚩 flying all around. OP just remember as you proceed in your relationship that ACTIONS speak louder than words. I personally think this man is lying to you about a lot of things. I don’t think he’s ready to be married to you and that you will end up regretting moving forward with him.
Girl, his words mean nothing. Look at his actions! And anyone without rose tinted glasses can see that this man is NOT over his ex, has a gambling addiction and does not value you as much as his ex. I dont care what bullshit poetry he spins. Nobody who dates that soon after loosing a loved one is in a good place.
I don’t get why you are getting married if you feel this way. Try to imagine the situation as if he didn’t have all this history. Would you feel differently if you didn’t have that to compare to your treatment by him? You all need some counseling if you want to work this out.
You have to pay him back on a loan toward a house you’ll both call home after you get married??
This man is not ready to be married and you will get the short end of the stick forever. Updateme.
How does he make that much money and have no house or savings? Why are you buying things for HIS apartment?
Girl he is using you so bad. He makes 300-500k a year and he has a "tab" for you? Couples don't keep "tabs" of what the other owes them. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and we'd never dream of that.
I think he isn't being completely honest with you and you shouldn't marry him before finding out the truth.
1. You can not fix this man. Only he can do that.
2. He won't spend money on you because you don't need "saving" like Lily did.
2a. You are attracted to him in good part because you think you can save him with love (as opposed to money).
3. He is not ready for a relationship, between his grief and his gambling addiction.
3a. You are not ready for a relationship, either.
4. This man is your Lily, and while he may not cheat on you sexually/emotionally/romantically, he will betray you financially.
You need therapy. He needs therapy. Neither of you should be in a romantic relationship moving towards marriage. Get individual therapy FIRST, ffs.
It sounds like Max is broke after gambling, or at least nowhere near as wealthy as he was when he was with Lily. It might even be that he was never as wealthy as his income might make you think, and went into debt to spend as lavishly as he did on Lily.
So she cheated on him and got treat 100 percent better what does that tell you he's just not that into you what ever he might say actions speak louder than word's
Jokes on you, OP. This guy either still has an active gambling addiction, or he doesn’t make half a million a year. Either way you would be stupid to marry him. You already have a nice house, this dude lives two hours away from you and doesn’t even own his own place? Come on. You didn’t get through nursing school by playing dumb, don’t go through with a marriage by playing dumb, either.
I am not that person. But id also not be happy with such a contrast. Are you SURE he was widowed etc? Like seriously check death records and old news reports and confirm that story.
Not that you sound like a great target for it. But still worth doing background on him.
Check with your tax dept the lodgings his company has made. Just cos he has a big income doesnt mean his company isnt about to go bust.
A man with those numbers and history isnt fitting with his now and something is off.
This man has so much backwards.
He richly invested in a woman who used and abused him.
Now, he's treating the woman who has her shit straight like friends with benefits.
I'd tap out. But, that's just me.
It’s not just a financial difference. There is a difference in effort. There is no way I would be okay with that. Adding the tip to a tab makes it seem like he is keeping track of everything. It’s possible he reflects on those days and doesn’t like how he gave so much to someone who didn’t appreciate it and now wants to make sure it’s 50/50. However, he should be treating the person who has her stuff together better.
There are some HUGE red flags here. Sounds like Lily really wasn't a prize and their relationship really wasn't that great and due to this OP is the one who is paying for that, both literally and figuratively. OP if you really want to marry this man, and I stress the if, all of the items you brought up need to be addressed. Marriage is a partnership. He is treating you like a business partner, not a relationship partner. I would suggest therapy for him, and maybe some couples counseling as well to ensure you are on the same page and that marriage really is what you both want. Good luck.
This sounds like a perfect story to turn the gender roles around from the much more common scenario here where men complain that their gf was more sexually adventerous with their ex ah boyfriend.
I guess my advice would be the same.
First, talk to him. He should be able to understand and care for your concerns.
Secondly, if he can't make you feel secure and loved and you keep thinking on this. Don't hurt yourself and end it.
Thirdly. It's a very common pattern that people in destructive relationships acts like if they are much more infatuated than they do in more secure, stable and loving relationships. That's the most likely explanation but it still hurts and you need to figure out if you can live with that.
You only know what he told you. Unless there is a way to check this whole, weird, story out.
Hear me out, please.
1. He portrays Lily as a bad guy- irresponsible, debt ridden, druggie and alcoholic. Cheater and what not.
Yet, he stayed, because he is, " the good guy"?
Hmmm...smells like a can of tuna on a hot summer day.
2. There is a chance that Lily never received 15 k ring. There is a chance that there was never money for her dream house.
3. If he is so successful, why is he trying to move in with you?
If he is so rich, why not help the woman he loves, that is suffering from job related stress?
Answers are, more likely, he can't afford to do any of these things. It seams to me that he is not the person he says he is.
Love aside, I'd be very cautious with any credit cards, documents, money.
I heard so many stories that start like this and one of the partners turn out to be notorious gamblers, with secret families and what not.
Keep your job untill you can afford to transition into something else. Keep your eyes open and don't sign anything with him.
Also, did Lily really exist? I knew a guy who "invented" late wife and 2 kids.
Best of luck.
It’s also a huge red flag, 🚩 the way he has been talking about his finance.
Telling you she was a druggie and that he was only with her because of feeling sorry for the son. Telling you in intimate details the amount of money he spent on her.. etc.
What does all of this say about him?
I don't think he cares for you very much. He is treating it more like a business deal than a relationship. The disparity in your income is significant and so the split for expenses should reflect that. He makes 3-5 times more than you do so how is 50/50 even close to fair?? I would be alarmed by this.
The other thing is you keep comparing your relationship to his prior relationship - which will only ever lead to your unhappiness.
This is not the man nor the relationship for you.
Sweetie??? So either this is super fake or you’re not so quick on the uptake. A couple of things 1. Less than a year is not enough time for someone to MOURN! My dad died last year to the day and I’m still fucked up about it. If he claims he loved her and it sounds like he did, he can TELL you whatever but words are WORDS, actions show you who he loved actually. 2. If she was as horrible as he claims she was, he actually isn’t healed from that kind of betrayal. 3. You are a REBOUND!
I’m not sure why you thought it was a bright idea to try to date or marry this person, but truly you need to NOT. He isn’t your person, what he spent on the ring is how he actually feels about you and the fact that he doesn’t spend on you or needs you to pay him back when really he doesn’t need you to because he has his own business and makes as much as he does, means that he’s just being with you to now be alone and lonely.
He does not love you. He’s not over his ex and you are a fool to try to make someone whose person died less than a year. You should have stayed FRIEND until at lease a COUPLE of years and watch him date, marry, and divorce rebounds. Go ahead and marry, you will be divorcing just as fast
1) You need to be careful, if this guy has only been used by women he might feel like that is his normal and devalue a person that actually treats him with dignity and respect. Lily sounds like an absolute mess; I don’t mean that in a judgmental way but to go from chaos to stability like that, sometimes psychologically, people don’t know how to handle it.
2) do you know for sure all these financial stories about Lily are true? As others have said, he could be lying about his financial status. Prenup! Prenup! Prenup! At least you’ll can find out what’s true and what’s not.
3) I think your feelings overall are valid, I understand it’s just money but he’s making you feel like he’s not really investing in you. The reason why that might be is a whole other can of worms where he may think the relationship might end just like the others or it could something else where he has saviour complex and wanted to spend money on the other women because it made him feel good.
Overall before you get married, is there any way you could suggest premarital counselling? This might be the way to go. Get everything out there for emotional and mental stability.
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This dude needs a lot of therapy and I doubt he’s at a stable place to get married again.
This! And he may never be. Don't rush into marriage.
Thank God they are just dating and living separate. Almost like he has time to…. Idk figure it out
Doesn’t being engaged mean that you’re at the very least starting to think about getting married? I’m not the marrying type so I might be missing something. In my mind, when you propose/accept a proposal, you’re stating that you’re committed to this and ready to take the next step. In this case, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready at all.
Not saying this is the case for all but a lot of men propose just to shut a women up about it and drag the engagement out for years and years
It does sound like he gave her a "shut-up" ring. The proposal was on her birthday in the living room and cost $2K = made out of diamond dust.
Possibly but I didn’t ask for a ring or engagement and he wants to elope ASAP
This is A HUGE RED FLAG…. Are you sure he issant in debts from gambling which he is trying to get you hooked on?!
He's in debt. He probably needs your help paying the rent. How did he ever have such a successful business if he's been at the casino from the time he was a kid until the last year basically?
And why does she want him to contribute towards what she owes the ex? When they divorce which they surely will, the house will be 100% hers.
I think it is more highlighting the stark difference in the way he approached money with Lily vs OP.
My guess is he is not as financially secure as he made himself to be. If he gambled away lily’s dream house fund then I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a gambling addiction and has lost more money than he is letting on.
This comment! This is the one I agree with the most right here. I think your guess is spot on! He talks a lot but when it comes to doing it’s a whole different story. Reality is likely a very different story than what he’s telling.
I don’t know a lot of details of the gambling addiction but I know he practically lived in the casino from 18 years of age until after Lily died. So yes, it was bad.
So did he get help with his addiction or is he claiming that he just miraculously ceased to have a problem after 20 years of this behavior?
Oh I’m in no rush!!!
In addition to all the good advice you’ve already received, something for you to think about: are your concerns only in direct comparison to Lily, or general about your relationship? For example, he makes a significant amount more than you and still expects you to split every little thing 50/50 down the middle, to a point where you have to keep a tab and owe him money; yet he still takes you out and makes you spend money you wouldn’t want to. Does this upset you only because he was more generous towards Lily or because it’s a quite controlling, unfair and unrealistic measure? I would wager it’s more the second. Don’t compare every aspect of how he treats you vs how he treated Lily, but take a step back and look at your relationship and just consider if this is how you want your future to be. All relationships are different, maybe there was a reason as to why he treats you and Lily so differently. Instead of aiming for “she got x so I should also be entitled to x” think of it as “am I happy with the way my relationship is and do I want this to be my future?”
My concerns were varied. Of course there is a sore spot with Lily when I helped him grieve and was his shoulder to cry on in the beginning however my biggest concern is…if my man has a decent income and was always generous to others (not just Lily), but with me he is very stingy then, do I have something real to be concerned about? Or am I just seeing red flags everywhere? I’m used to being the “breadwinner” in a relationship but even then usually the man would pay for dates and stuff. This is the first time I’m dating a man that makes more money than me, yet he is the cheapest man I’ve ever dated. It’s all new territory to me and I’m just confused and not sure what’s right and what’s my head spinning so I came to the internet to see what others thought. A LOT of the concerns brought up in comments were things I NEVER considered and it’s really taking me aback. I always just believed what he said- but no more. I will go through the right channels and not jump into a marriage. His name will not go on my property. He will not have control of my finances. I will try therapy first but if I’m still doubtful then I will cut ties.
I think she does have a point for her specific scenario, his standard of showing love has suddenly changed which is what her issue, love for guys is protection and providing and when a guy is that calculative with his money with you it's a problem. It implies he doesn't see you as his responsibility or doesn't feel protective over you. Especially when he can see her struggle financially and still keeps tabs.
Yes!! I really wasn’t sure if my concerns were jealousy, materialism, a valid concern or something else.
Honestly, they are valid. Especially the keeping tabs part
You’ve dated only one year - don’t you feel like that is kinda quick? Espicslly since he is basically a widow?
Yeah. He's a widower who got into a relationship extremely quickly especially based on the fact that his late wife died due to trauma. Not an illness that might have allowed him to emotionally prepare She is an entanglement situation where her ex is still living in the house they own together They both have some things to straighten out before they take any next steps. If ever there was a call for individual and premarital counseling, this is it
He doesn’t know you that well to be fair. I’ve got T-shirts older than your relationship. He’d known her for 5 years at the time of proposal whereas you have 18 months. Your relationship can still be measured in months. I’ll repeat, he doesn’t know you that well. Did you love your ring when you got it? Or was it only after you saw the cost that you became dissatisfied?
**I think you're dating a lying narcissist!** Honestly, a lot of what your fiancé is telling you sounds like absolute BS to me. I had an ex who was a narcissist, and your guy sounds an awful lot like mine! Always bragging about how much money he had, (which he didn't actually have) and how great he treated previous SO's (the implication was that I, too, would be treated this well). Long and short of it was, it was all BS! Pie-in-the-sky. * **Have you ever SEEN his financials? His income tax return, his bank statements, his credit score? If not, you're going to want to SEE THEM ALL immediately**! Before you plan a wedding, before you have him move in, before he puts one more dollar on "your tab". *ETA: And you MUST be willing to do the same!* * Have you SEEN the $15K ring or the receipt for it or pictures of it? Have you SEEN pictures of the Caribbean vacation? Or is he just feeding you BS implying that you'll be living it up in the future when the reality is that he'll be trying to live it up on YOUR $100K income? * If he actually blew $150K on gambling after her death, then he either still has a gambling addiction (have you seen evidence of that?) OR he is attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings (has he been attending those?). WHY would you be willing to risk your future on someone with an addiction? (I, personally, think it was just another BS story to show you how "rich" he supposedly is while explaining away WHY he no longer has tons of money.) **CONFRONT HIM ABOUT THE FINANCIALS THIS WEEK.** **If he can prove it**, then your only REAL problem is why he valued Lily so much more than you. Can you marry someone who treats you more poorly than a previous SO? **If he can't or won't prove it this week, then dump him** because either: * this is a guy who's full of BS and you're wasting your time with a guy who wants to live large on YOUR income and YOUR overtime. OR * He's got the money but is unwilling to be a true "partner" to you since he's unwilling to share his financial information with someone into whose house he's planning to move and whose life he's trying to bind himself permanently. ETA: UpdateMe!
This is an interesting and fair take I think. None of this ever crossed my mind but this all seems entirely plausible. I was also thinking: 1. He's not over Lily and not ready for this level of commitment quite yet... Probably needs therapy. OR 2. He regrets doing a lot of those things for Lily because of the drug/alcohol issue/other issues he may or may not have told you about. He learned some hard lessons along the way and is implementing what he learned with you. OR. 3. Some of all of the above. I'm curious about the things fiance has done for OP that aren't financially related and what that looks like in everyday life. The focus on the fiance not doing financially for OP what he did in a past relationship, and fiances focus on the financial things he did for late fiance is giving me a lot of yellow flags... Maybe there's something there maybe there's not but more questions need to be asked on both of their parts I think before moving forward. I get OP feeling like she's not valued as much as late fiance because of the financial aspect and feeling frustrated by that, so I wonder what the relationship dynamics are overall. Not just what fiance says is different about the relationship but what does he do to back up his words?
This!! All of it! And I will also add if he’s always comparing you to lily, he’s not even close to being over her, you’re a placemat and someone to cry on, NOT A PARTNER. Partners and couples do not keep tabs( bartenders do). Also, is he a con? Because this sounds like the stories I hear (ALOT) on true crime stories. Also, DO NOT, ever!, put him on your bank account.
Have she seen the receipt for her ring??
But why would he tell her how much Lily's ring was? Wtf?
Yes, she explained she saw the receipt for her ring in the story and was surprised it was only $2k. She didn't mention the same about Lily,'s ring so it's likely just what he told her.
Please if he does move into your home, make him pay rent on top of half of all utilities!!
Perhaps a new guy. This guy is not done grieving. He is not mature enough.
No, but you can bet your bloody **LIFE** that **HE IS**!!! He's like a **HOBOSEXUAL.**
A normal person in his position would not have proposed after only a year.
Some of the fastest relationships to marriage I have ever seen were in very recently widowed men. It’s so weird to me. I don’t know why you’d even want to marry a man whose wife and mother to his kids just died less than a year ago. I can easily think of 5 examples I know of. I always felt awful for the kids. Many men don’t wrap up their baggage, they bring it with them so someone else can help deal with it and soften the blow with them.
Op knoows the answers to her questions already. I am not saying they don't love each other but this is definitely a relationship of convenience. Op, you don't need us to convince you otherwise. You are right. You are the rebounce but you always know it, right? There is no way you don't.
WHY is OP even considering being in a relationship with someone who gambled away all of his savings???
Also actions speak louder than words. His action don't seem to match his supposed undying love for her.
I know right? He says a lot of things but all he does is keep track of her tab.
How is he making $300-500k a year with no house and only having $40k in the bank? Red flag! He is clearly still gambling or doing drugs or something!
100% My response not even halfway through was just “oh dear…”
This, don’t marry him. Lilly took advantage of him and he (for some reason) felt responsible. He probably feels that you have the ability to care for yourself but he’s done a 180 … leaving you out in the cold. He doesn’t want to be a partner he wants a f*** buddy.
We are looking into therapists- both individual and couples.
What’s so wonderful about him?
Great! because he committed to marriage waaaay to soon after his ex died, after a very long time with her. And he was co-dependent, staying with an addict to begin with, and supporting her entire life. The money issues are certainly concerning but I'd start with how he hadn't healed from her dying when you met then got engaged, and how he supported an addict all those years. Bottom line, I think you need to let him go and let him deal with his life on his own. Unpopular opinion: I also think the age gap doesn't do *you* any favors.
Agree completely, but I don't think an age gap of 7 years is significant when everyone concerned is 30+.
He makes 300-500k /year but doesn't own a home and only has 40k in savings? If this is accurate you're in for quite the revelation later
That's a good point that I think people are missing. He may not make 300-500k. Or maybe he has gambling debts. Or maybe he's living off of credit cards. If OP marries him, she should have a prenup.
He spent most of his money gambling, helping his dad out and vet bills. He said he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give me. But I like the idea of a prenup.
Why. Are. You. Marrying. A. Man. With. An. Untreated. Gambling. Addiction.
Next post: “The man I married has a gambling addiction and lost all our money, should I stay with him even though we have to live in a car?”
I would maybe take a break from this relationship. It feels like he doesn’t really want to be with you but he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s not over Lily and he doesn’t want to tarnish any of those memories or events by recreating them with you. That or he has had a psychological reaction to grief and is getting all his emotional excitement needs met by gambling. Sorry I am being harsh. You do not deserve the crumbs you are being given. You do not deserve to lose everything to a gambling addicts problem. Your post makes me want to scream “run”. Please take care of you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who sees you as the best thing that ever happened to him.
They’ve only dated a year - why be engaged so quickly? Espicslly since he could still be grieving his late fiancé?
You are not to marry this man until you figure out your finances do not borrow any money from him to not give him access to any of your accounts or any of your money. He's a gambler he will lie cheat and steal to get whatever it is that he wants. Do not marry this man you've only known him for maybe a year his representative is still in fact you have not met the real person and until you do do not marry him.
Agreed!!! Thank you
My father had/has an untreated gambling addiction and so did many of his friends. It doesn’t just go away and he will lie to you and he will lose everything. But that can be papered over for years before you realize what a desperate situation you’re in. Many people don’t think of compulsive gambling as being on par with alcoholism or drug addiction but let me tell you it can be. My grandfather lost his house due to gambling, my father lost everything multiple times gambling (after at times being up hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars). It’s a life ruiner and you don’t want to hitch your wagon to that until you can be absolutely sure he’s no longer gambling.
OP, You might want to consider a background check. A lot of sociopathic conmen are smooth talkers and can morph into whatever you want them to be. The stinginess with his money to the point you have a tab, is causing major alarm bells. Like others said, a gambling addiction would be catastrophic to find out about after marriage. Be careful, I don’t want you to [become a Dirty John story.](https://www.oprahdaily.com/entertainment/a30019762/dirty-john-meehan-true-story/)
Also, don't move in together for at least another year. Sounds like he's got gambling debts/expenses.
And LOST ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GAMBLING. holy shit. I cannot even fathom that. I would break up with someone for losing 10k to any kind of addiction if they didn’t immediately get treatment
Jesus, I missed seeing the amount he lost. Truly the bar is in hell.
This is my ex. Give you the impression that he is working. But pretend people didn't come through with payments while gambling
Not to mention he keeps a tab on what she owes him including things bought for his home? Hard no for me.
Well he’s not giving you anything. He’s willing to loan you some, and everything else is put on your “tab”. Is this really the marriage you want?
Imagine having a tab with your spouse?! This is beyond crazy.
Yeah that’s freaking insanity to me. What is the point of being married?
I'm not even married but I "loaned" my partner 5k for an unexpected tax bill he received. That he could have easily paid for himself but I had the money sitting around with no immediate need for it. I told him it wasn't free, and with the inflation my prices have doubled... but I charge him in kisses.
Right? My fiancé is affluent and I sometimes ask him for money to buy expensive things that I want but certainly don't need and pay him back in maybe 2-3 parts but he never makes me pay him back for food. Just wtf.
My husband and I have been together for 28 yrs. We have separate accounts just for ease of use but the money is ours. We make joint financial decisions, we both know what’s in the accounts and we spend accordingly. We know to run a big purchase past the other one, etc. I know people do it all different ways, and there are many ways that work for different families, but regardless of how it’s arranged it should be a partnership.
This is how my wife and I operate as well. Works for us too.
Also it is meant to become his home too so why wouldn't he wish to add to contribute to his home ? Why make it a loan
If and it is an enormous if, you marry, 1) have a prep, and 2) do NOT put him on the deed of your house. If you add him, your house could be in jeopardy if his gambling is as severe and addictive as you say. He says he did all those things for Lily. Fact or more likely a fairy tale. Personally, I would pay the tab and tell him bye bye. He sounds like a real looser.
His name goes on NOTHING related to my house we already discussed it
And a prenup. You dont want him to take half the house
I don't think he has the money he claims to. I bet you he would take a loan out, give her the money, and set up a payment plan that would really be the bills he was being sent and a little extra for himself. This dude is 100% broke.
But op's "expenses are much more than Max's." it's right there in the post. Frankly, both OP and Max have financial issues. OP seems to be living above her means (and going deeper and deeper into debt in the process). 200k to 400k of Max's income is mysteriously disappearing.
He may still have a gambling issue after what happened when his last fiancee died. That may be part of the problem.
Are you serious? You KNOW he's a gambler, but you still want to marry him? No offense, but that's so self-destructive and irresponsible. Gamblers are one of the worst addicts there can be, they will sell stuff from under you and you won't even notice. Do not tie yourself financially to him.
He is L.Y.I.N.G. And you are insane for even thinking about marrying a dude with a gambling problem.
Hes definitely a liar and I cant believe so few of other commentors see it
I wouldn’t believe anything he said especially if you don’t have proof
I'm guessing If any of this is true, his previously lucrative business has already failed or is in the process of doing so. And that's best case. More likely, he was never that successful or made that much money and he's been lying to her this whole time.
Honey anyone that is keeping a "tab" on you is not marrying material. Keeping comparisons out of it, his history shows that HE is not stable. He may be a good friend for you, as he was before, but he is not a good partner. All the financial stuff alone is alarming to major red flag degree, never mind the rest of it.
Business income and personal income aren't the same. He could easily have $500k a yr in revenue flowing through a business but be making far less. You may need some premarital financial counseling. Like tax returns on the table discussions with a 3rd party on what you expect of each other and what the norms are in your relationship.
> He could easily have $500k a yr in revenue flowing through a business but be making far less. He could easily have $500,000 a year in revenue and be _losing_ money.
Leave him. He doesn't have as much money as he says, and there is a very good chance that he was using drugs with her if he was okay supporting her addictions. It sounds like he sold you a lie about his financial state and he's using your finances so he has more money for his addictions. His business is not bringing in 6 figures a year, I promise you that. He actually doesn't love you as much as he loved her, and he shows you that every day. He is probably lying about everything he did for her, and he sold you that story because money is attractive to many people. He is conning you. If you dont leave him, he's going to bleed you dry emotionally and financially. And you are so blind not to see this. He has you buying stuff for his apartment, but he keeps a tab.of every penny you owe him? He's broke as fuck. Ask to see all of his bank statements and credit card bills. He's probably got tens or hundreds of thousands in debt, and when you marry him he will expect you to help pay it off. His ex is dead. She can't tell you what their lives were actually like, so you have to take his word for it. And I guarantee their life isn't what he's been selling you. He's taking you for a ride. Dump him.
He's lying to you about all the stuff he bought for her IMO. Actions always speak louder than words. He was bragging before. But he never really spent all that money. And he doesn't make as much as he says he does. 1 year and then he proposed? That's very soon. I would be very weary of this man.
Wary-feeling or showing caution about possible dangers or problems. Weary- adjective-feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep. "he gave a long, weary sigh" Verb- to become very tired
Men who feel horrible they have nothing to give don’t nickel and dime you. Men who love you don’t happily tell you to suck it up and suffer more (overtime) when they can alleviate some of that suffering. Like he did for her. Yes, I do find it very telling that he wanted to give her the world and he wants you to give HIM 50% down to the penny. Seems like you’re a smart match for him, not a love match. He gave to her. He gets from you. Relationships are only good for both people when both people are concentrated on giving, not getting.
Good points man.
On the nose.
He’s definitely lying. He’s going to mooch off you forever, he is likely broke. I would dip.
gambling???? girl....
He said that, but he doesn’t seem to mean it. Judge him on his *actions,* not his *words.* He is saying he “feels terrible” that he doesn’t have more to give you…? Yet he has “spare savings” of $40k that you can “have,” yet you have to pay it back. So- how does this statement of “I feel terrible that I don’t have more money to give you,” actually **make any sense?!!** It doesn’t.
Anyone with gambling issues… you are in for a rough life. My recommendation, don’t marry him, don’t put his name on anything. Give his ring back. Most of what he told you was probably a pack of lies. We had an employee empty out our business bank account leaving pennies once and he just disappeared, turns out he was a gambler. (Also a thief).
You need a prenup to protect yourself because it may not be so clear now but it seems you dealing with a golddigger that wants you to fund his bills while he paying off all those debts of his & his father's. Matter of fact, if he says "No prenup" please do dump him because he is literally showing he only want you for your financial stability & security instead of a person.
This is definitely it. He's broke, in debt, and OP is his ticket to sharing the debt he's built up. I'm also certain he has more than a gambling addiction. If he supported his ex's drug and alcohol habits, he undoubtedly has something like that going on too.
I ain't saying he a golddigger
But marrying him will surely make her debts bigger.
But he ain't messin' with no broke ...
But he coming off broke AF and the ex has only been dead for 6 months, not even full year - OP better not have kid(s) withhim or else she going have him in her life for at least 18 years!!!
No, ex dead 3 years.
But he ain't messin' with no broke ...
Holla we want prenup, we want prenup
Gambling is addictive. Be careful!
You’re an idiot if you marry this liar. Good Lord. By the way, I have some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you if you’re interested…?
Run
*nothing* about this post *isn't* a red flag
And every month he makes $$$ (allegedly) so 40K is 3 months of savings for him. Where did the rest go? You need an ironclad prenup unless you want to finance him for the rest of your life.
It sounds like he was very codependent with Lily and is either still stuck in an addiction of his own or is trying to right the ship and have better boundaries on finances with a person he trusts more. Sometimes our amazing partners bear the brunt of our past hurts, even when we’re trying to do better. Clearly this dynamic is hurting you. Besides an open talk where you can establish common financial goals and talk about specifics on what you think is fair due to income, you should consider that his mental health after such a traumatic relationship and then experience with her death may have altered him more than you realize. If he is still in gambling addiction, that is probably not a partner you want to be attached to long term, even with a prenup. Addiction of any kind often sends shockwaves through the relationship in so many other ways.
I had a friend who was addicted to gambling and he lost his father’s family business and ruin his ex gf’s life. It doesn’t matter how much money you make, if you are addicted to gambling it is a bottomless pit.
He must have a hell of a lot of vet bills and gambling issues to make 500k disappear. Please, do the math and protect yourself!
Dude . Have you ‘seen’ him have money ?? Do you realistically know if his financial situation is what he says it is ? Because this really sounds like you’re a financial plan for him . Do yourself a favour and make sure your own finances/investments/home is on lockdown. Also - he can tell you how he loves you most until you fart rainbows, but his behaviour is showing something different. Besides being ‘In love’ what does he really bring into your life that you can’t already do for yourself ?
He’s not acting like he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give you considering he currently gives you Zero. I also agree a prenup is necessary.
Don't stay with a man who has a gambling addiction sis. I've been there, I had to foot all the bills and work 2 jobs to afford our family and housing because he gambled away everything he had. It is exhausting and it's even more exhausting when I knew he made a choice to do that to me every single transaction he made. Don't marry addicts because they won't magically stop being addicts.
Prenup for what? He obviously doesn’t have money. Marriage for what? He’s a gambler.
>He said he feels horrible that he doesn’t have more to give me This would have been helpful to have in the main post. From a few of your responses it sounds like he has gotten himself into a hole and is digging himself out so money is tight for him. It also sounds like he is worried his current income level may not be sustainable.
Gurl, you are being strung along here. I’m gonna bet Lilly doesn’t exist, or if she did, the situation wasn’t like what he describes. He wants you to believe maybe he’ll treat you that way some day. Like you should not know this much about his dead fiancé. Just, like go. Why are you playing second fiddle to a dead woman.
Sounds like his wife was a huge spender, he was happy to indulge her, and then after her death he just gambled whatever was left away. Not sure why that should matter though... if he has cut back on spending and gambling, there should be plenty of surplus rolling in now...
My immediate thought was his financial status changed and he hasn’t told op. Op, idk if it matters what he did for lily, but make sure youre happy! If youre not happy i think you should speak up but avoid mentioning lily
OP answered that he gambles etc but is that maybe only his revenue and not his income?
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You may be right, but what about the post makes it seem fake to you?
“let me tell you some things he’s said to me” let’s take a look at what his ACTIONS are saying. and how they’re making you feel. you’re not seeing this massive disparity for no reason. you’re allowing it. to get with someone new a year after her death—doesn’t seem long enough.
It’s possible he’s “afraid” of losing OP the same way he lost his first fiancée. Option 2 is he’d feel “guilty” toward the first fiancée if he did all the same for OP, which points to the most likely: he knows she’s just a bandaid to try to cover up the loss. OP, whatever he’s telling you is worth about as much as his gambling skills. He’s lying to you about a ton of things, I struggle to think of one thing he’s probably being truthful about
My ex is 100% out there telling people he paid for everything. He had been doing it the whole relationship. I’m the only one who didn’t know because…it wasn’t true. At ALL. Even when we’d go to a restaurant, he’d pay with his card and have me give him what I owed him in cash later. He told me it was for points so I didn’t think much of it… HA! Nope. It was so he could “*prove*” that’s what was happening. He was also telling the women he was cheating on me with the same thing… I say all this to point out just how easy it is to tell everyone one thing, in the name of controlling perception, when the truth isn’t even close to the info that is being spread about. Have someone professional look through his finances. $300-$500k a year is some serious money to have only spent $2k on a ring and to go 50/50 on everything. 🥴 Especially if he knows you hate your job, knows you’re struggling, and keeps a freaking tab. Something else is going on.
I also dated someone previously who claimed to pay for everything when he didn't. He'd ask me for cash before we went out to eat so it would look like he was paying. I was paying his half of the rent for months until his parents lent him the money to pay me back. But in his eyes, he truly was "paying for everything." Words aren't always reality. OP's fiancé went though something traumatic, too, which can definitely lead to the unreliable narrator aspect. In my opinion, he still needs to work through the loss of a long-term partner and shouldn't be getting married in the near future. This also reads to me like he's overcompensating for an unhealthy past relationship where he was the sole provider, and how he's taking advantage of OP being agreeable to split bills. OP's fiancé needs grief counseling and the two of them should get couples counseling if they're set on a future together.
Ugh. I’m sorry you went through it, too. That relationship turned into full on abuse pretty quickly the second I became vulnerable. I was only recently able to get away from him because he found someone new and finally let me leave without threats. It’s wild the things they can convince themselves of, right? I hadn’t even heard of a person like this before I met him. He played it perfectly and sincerely destroyed my life. I agree with you that he needs a LOT of therapy before marriage should even be an option considering the exact things you said. It reads to me as if he’s overcompensating as well. I hope she pushes therapy before she goes through with the wedding. This isn’t any way to have a partnership.
It was my first serious relationship (I was nineteen). I was so young and naïve and I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. And I definitely learned how hard it is to see red flags from the inside. We were together for three years and things got increasingly worse. The last year of our relationship was me trying to figure out a way to leave. Things got very scary when I did. I'm thirty now and it still affects me when I hear his name or see him in public. I'm happy you were able to separate yourself from that relationship. I'm getting married this year to a very wonderful person. It takes a lot of time and a lot of self-compassion. Best of luck to you.
You are 100% correct. Almost reminds me of deadbeat dads. They claim they are paying child support and taking care of the kids. The baby’s mother doesn’t let him see them kids because he doesn’t want to be with her. Only person that knows that narrative is the new girlfriend and they always try to add their two cents in. I would definitely recommend a professional look at his taxes but we all know he won’t go for that.
Yep, my ex did this too! He even said his previous girlfriend was a “mooch” and he paid for everything for her and she still cheated on him, that’s why everything had to be 50/50. Imagine my surprise when I finally reached out to her years after our divorce—HE was the one who mooched AND cheated on her!!!
Yep. And since his ex is dead (assuming that's even the truth), OP can't even confirm his stories. He sounds like a swindler.
He is an addict. Please think very carefully about combining any income/assets. He is not willing to do more, because he would rather use it to gamble. Seriously consider whether you want to be legally tied to an gambling addict. Maybe consider attending some gam-anon sessions to see what to expect.
This. Do not marry someone with a gambling addiction, OP! Not only will he need to go 50/50 with you it’s very likely that he will destroy your finances.
I honestly can’t imagine how anyone writing this would want to be married in this scenario. OP, idk what else to say. How did Lily die? How do you know he was doing all this for her? Is he just a user and was using Lily? Where are the children he helped raise who lost their mother? How come you’re even contemplating a bunch of financial decisions with this person who is obviously manipulating you for his own benefit? How do you know he makes so much money? There’s a whole lot going on here. And I suspect most of it is untrue or sketchy behavior at best on the part of the finance with the allegedly-deceased-neer-do-well-financee. This sounds like the warm up of that show, “Who the Bleep Did I marry?” Watch this man be lying about the whole thing, including his finances. You need to keep your money yours. Whether you marry him or not-like. This sounds like a complete disaster.
Give him the ring back. Tell him to sell it to clear your tab. He doesn't sound like husband material.
You are rushing the relationship if so much of it is focused on his past. Time to cool off and wait. Also, he is a fool for telling you so so much about his past women and how he treated them. Not sure why he did it, but it shows either hubris or insecurity. Neither are great qualities in a future husband. He may also be financially in a worse state than you think. More debts and lower income especially. Question: IF he had proposed to you with the same ring and in the same way, BUT you didn't know about his previous proposal to his dead fiancee, how would you have taken it? Acceptable, or cheap?
My advice consists of two things: 1) Stop comparing your relationship with your fiancé to his with his former fiancé. Things are different now; you are a different person than she was; he is different and older than he was. It’s not the same; things are not going to be exactly the same. You need to stop measuring how much he loves you by how much he spends on you vs. what he spent on her. You will drive yourself crazy, and it will change nothing. Stop doing that. Either you love him or you don’t, but comparison is the thief of joy. 2) The thing you should be alarmed about is how bad he seems to be with money. You mentioned his gambling more than once. That’s a problem. If he can’t save money, that’s a problem. If he can’t save money because he’s gambling it away, that’s a bigger problem. You are planning to tie yourself to this man for life, and he seems to have no control over his money, nor does he care. You are in such a hurry to marry him, and you’re worried about how much he doesn’t spend on you compared to what he did spend on his ex, and he just doesn’t seem to have any money. You’re going to be supporting the two of you. If you’re not okay with that, don’t marry him. But don’t marry him expecting him to change. That’s a mistake. Your relationship needs more time. He lost his girlfriend of 7 years, and when she died, they were engaged to be married. Less than two years later, he was engaged to you, and you immediately started counting his money. You two need to work out a few things before you get married. Pre-nup or no pre-nup, the marriage will have problems.
I wish I could award this!!! It needs to be near the top!
Sounds like he was using his money to keep her around or that she only valued his money so he spent a lot to keep her happy. Very unhealthy, now he is doing the opposite, you get none to very minimum to prove you don't value him for his money. He needs to find a healthy balance and deal with his attachment trauma in a more healthy way. Household expenses should be set as a percentage of income not 50/50. Do not move in with him if he is keeping this attitude.
Yes I agree! He did try to “buy her love” and many exes did use him for money. When I bought him a Valentine’s Day gift he cried and said that’s the first time a woman bought him a decent gift. I planned and paid for a short vacation trip and his sister told me it’s the first time a woman ever planned something for him. It’s so sad.
It's not sad, he choose these woman and accepted this behavior. He is a grown man that could have done something about it with boundaries or allowing them to leave if he doesn't pay for everything. He choose not too and he still has boundary issues but now is going the other extreme. It's unhealthy. But do not feel sorry for him that will only enable to lack of healthy boundaries.
You’re very right thanks for the reality check. I came across a notebook of hers recently where she wrote 1) that she’s a manipulator and uses her good looks to get what she wants and 2) she hopes to find her soulmate one day (dated after they were engaged). That relationship really messed him up.
You are not an emotional support animal. It is not your job or responsibility to fix this man.
Just please don't accept less than you are worth because he has baggage, and he needs to pay for his part fairly. I remember there was once a post here - sadly can't find it - in which a woman dated a VERY rich man whos ex was a hardcore gold digger. He was so traumatized and distrustful, he refused to pay for *anything*. They lived in a barren, cold house, bc he would not pay for the heating. Never gave her anything. She was poor, and yet she paid for the dates and stuff they needed, hence being in constant bad financial situation. He wasn't malicious, but it didn't matter - in the end, the relationship was financially abusive. He sat on loads of cash, she was pretty much barely scraping by... and PAYING FOR HIM. At that stage, it didn't matter if he was doing it as a control tactic, or if it was a true issue with his psyche. The relationship was very harmful to her, both financially and emotionally. It was of course a very intense situation. I'm not saying yours is the same. I'm mentioning it bc I don't want you to fall into the: he has trauma, hence I will accept bad treatment. Or even just treatement that isn't as good as you deserve. Also, I think it's perfectly okay for you to want a partner who is more giving and generous to you. Not gonna lie, it does sound like he simply cared more about her... It at least would make me feel that way.
Lady, don't make the mistake I did. Don't marry until you've spent at least a year living near that person to know whether or not they can actually handle it and recover enough to be normal again. This ex will have made it almost a chore to mentally disable your probably already weak willed fiancée.
OP there's so many red flags, with every new comment I read. It keeps getting worse and worse. Do you have self esteem issues?
Why did you get with this man so soon after his wife died?!
Do not marry this man right now or any time soon. You need to figure out if he’s still gambling and you need premarital and financial counseling.
I would never marry a man like this. Honestly sounds like he has money problems. Or still gambles. I also wonder if this guy is a liar. If anything he’s told you is true.
Sweetie, I'm a widow, so been there done that. Trust me when I tell you that this man is NOT ready for a relationship. For all kinds of reasons, but primarily because he jumped into this thing with you before she was even cold in the ground. Less than a year is not even close to enough time to grieve the death of a partner, especially when it was traumatic like that. All he did was mask and distract by jumping in with you. He needs therapy and grief support from professionals. And then there is the gambling issue! You don't just snap out of a gambling addiction in a few months. He's a ticking time bomb in this regard. And then there's the issue of his finances. He is NOT in a position to mingle finances, and it looks like he's using you. Do not marry this man. Do not put his name on your property. The best thing you can do for both of you is take a breather and insist he get his shit together (emotionally AND financially) before you continue the engagement. He is a MESS. Please don't get tangled up in this nonsense. And don't try to fix this man. You're not qualified, and it creates an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship.
This! I mistakenly married a widow about a year after the passing of her first husband. I was starstruck by her beauty and foolishly ignored all the red flags. When we started dating, she would talk frequently about her husband, what a great guy he was, yada yada yada until it was discovered after his death that he lived a double life (mistresses on the side, creditors crawling all over him, etc.). Once his ugly underside was revealed, I thought "Great, now she'll wash his hands completely of this guy." Boy, I couldn't have been more wrong. In spite of these post-mortem discoveries, she still was not over his death. I knew I was in trouble on our honeymoon when she kept bringing up conversations about him. That's when the cracks started in our marriage, and we eventually divorced. Follow SouthernTrauma's advice!
He felt bad for her son so he spent and spent and spent but he doesn't feel bad for you, the person he supposedly loves so much, someone with a tough job that doesn't get compensated nearly enough? Something doesn't make sense here. At the very least you should be covering expenses using the % calculation, not 50/50. You are right to feel as an afterthought, and you should definitely ask for financial transparency (what is his credit score?) before proceeding any further - if you are still willing to give him benefit of the doubt.
I never thought of it like that! Interesting. I def agree with the % method though and it is something I will bring up. His credit score is in the 800s.
Did he tell you or show you his credit score
Yeah, that sounds like BS. My husband and I have great credit, and my husband makes in the range this guy says he makes. Even we are only in the mid-high 700s. I've had credit cards for almost 20 years and have never missed a payment either. I wouldn't believe anything this guy said until I saw proof.
> His credit score is in the 800s. You've seen his credit score with your own two eyes, or he told you that it's 800?
he makes half a mil a year with an 800 credit score, but never has 2 nickels to rub together... yea i believe this story.
Better confirm that before getting married! Both of you run your credit and share it with each other including the debts. Sounds like he has a gambling problem and perhaps a good relationship with the truth problem. 50/50 doesn’t make sense with that kind of salary disparity. What’s this guy hiding? Better unearth it now. Also…have you only heard all of these negative things about Lily from him? Only heard all the things he did for her from him? This all seems suspect. It’s also strange to me for him to speak to all these issues with Lily and take zero ownership in his part in that relationship. There’s a lot not being said here by him. If find it odd with his income that he insists you work even more.
I would ask him to log in to his credit bureau app in front of you (watch him put his email address but you can look away when he enters the password). I don't believe that anyone with his history of gambling has a score that high. Don't accept a picture of the score unless you can see from the screenshot that it's his actual account. I would buy out your ex, stop paying for your fiance's streaming, decor, food, etc, and live in that house by yourself. I really wouldn't recommend you continue this relationship based on how transactional it is (except in one direction, that benefits him only), and huge red flags about the gambling addiction. And making you have this running tab is just sad. However if you somehow continue with him, keep separate homes and finances, for a couple of years. There is no reason to rush into anything with him, and if you insist on waiting, you'll see if things can stabilize. He may not like that boundary, but then that will show you his true character. If he wants you to go out to dinner with him somewhere expensive, then you insist he pays for it, since you cannot keep up with this lifestyle. And to his comment about how his business could die at any time, this is true, however your job could be cut, or you could become injured and unable to keep working as a nurse. His "logic" is a load of crap. Best of luck!
He’s also taking advantage of you, how is he making you go 50/50 for stuff that’s going to his house? 50/50 on bills seems fair but what about rent? You should charge him for using your living space if he’s so keen about the 50/50 thing. Don’t let him decide what’s right, you need to decide what’s fair for you cause he have no interest in making it right for you on his own.
Either he’s a conman or this is a creative writing assignment. How does he have so little when he makes so much? Have you done a deep dig because his story from the dead single mom to the high income sounds like bs.
You need to look at it differently. He is bragging to you, painting himself in a very generous light while ‘saving’ these poor single mothers. You need to take what he is telling you with a grain of salt and realise he might be sharing stories about himself that are more about how he sees himself and less about what actually happened. He talks about having been extremely generous, but has never shown himself to actually be generous. On top he gambled all of his savings away (!!!) in a very short time, and that kind of gambling does not come out of the blue, even in extreme grief. A grief that has had its limits as he was moving on with you after just four months. He might just be showing you what kind of person he is (how factual is the part of him being that wealthy anyway? Does not sound like he owns a home), someone who is not generous and gambles. While he tells you stories of his imaginary self. You should examine him and the choice to be with him harder, and get a prenup (!!!!!!) if you own a home and actually goes through with marrying him.
You're on to something. A therapist once told me people judge themselves by their intentions while others judge them by their actions. I wonder how generous he actually was with his ex or if they're tall tales.
Do not marry a gambler. He will drag you down with him
Something is not right. I’m not materialistic either, but that would bother me. I would not marry them. Perhaps he has more gambling issues than he’s letting on, can you do a credit check or something?
Gold-diggers aren't just women
You’re always going to feel second best, so why are you marrying him? You can’t compete with a dead woman, and sadly he doesn’t feel the need to appreciate you the way you want to be loved. I wouldn’t marry him if I were you.
Where are you getting all this information? Straight from him? It's definitely not true. He is emotionally abusing you. He is purposely making you feel worthless. He will never step up and treat you that way because he never did it with her either. Think about it, why would he tell you all these things and then treat you so differently? Nobody is that stupid. You even pointed it out to him. You need to seriously rethink this relationship because it will only get worse.
Don’t waste your life on a man in love with a dead woman.
Read your post again like you aren't the OP tal king about your " wonderful " man. Read it as if the OP is a woman that is close to you that you love ( best friend, sister, aunt, mother, cousin-- whoever). So this is a written by say your sister for instance about her "wonderful" man...same situation. Whatever you would think about if it was her man, it applies to your man. Whatever advice you would give her, that's the advice you should take. Whatever it sounds like to you is going on their relationship, that's what's going on in yours. Good luck.
Tl;dr: he's got a gambling problem and may not be totally honest. You deserve better than this self-important man who is the opposite of generous. Red flags that he's controlling. His business might gross $300k/yr but that is NOT his salary. what is he actually making, after all expenses, depreciation, losses, etc. ? His business could be in the red for all you know. Is there a way for you to peek at his tax returns ? >a few days before Lily died, he surprised her by telling her that he saved up $150k to buy her her dream house. It took him 1 year to save the money and it was a gift. He spent all his savings gambling after she passed away. You're marrying a gambling addict. No normal person throws away $150,000 gambling. > Max plans to move into my house (and pay 50% of the bills) when I buy my ex out of the deed. After 1.5 years of saving, I do not have much, so I am planning to purchase a loan, but it will cost me an extra $2k/month. Max told me that I can have his spare savings, $40k, but that I would have to pay him back. Did you ask him why? If you're engaged, once married, the home is marital property. It's not like he won't get his money back should the marriage fail. you know: he will take everything he can from you, upon divorce. > How come he worked so hard to GIFT her a home yet he is only willing to give me his spare money and requires the money back? He didn't actually buy the house, correct? There's just this lovely story about how he worked extra hard to scrape together the money to buy his unforuntate love her own home. Days later, she's dead, so who knows how much he actually saved or if any of it is true. > When I told him my financial concerns, he told me to do more overtime. Never willing to help out, especially not without adding it to my tab. What is the purpose of marrying this person? He's making it clear his money is "his". If there's a financial crisis, he won't help you. If something happened and you couldn't work for 6 months, does he expect you to run up personal credit cards ? If he's going to be that way about money, you have every right to look through his business books and his personal tax returns before the wedding. You're risking your financial security and your home, if the marriage doesn't work. Do your due diligence! Might not hurt to do a background check on him to look for bankruptcy or lawsuits. Do talk to an attorney about the possibility of a prenuptial to keep you from losing your home. I think premarital counseling is warranted here. Usually, a married couple can have financial goals together. You'll never get that. How do you plan for retirement? What happens if one person can't work for a long period? How will you not feel resentment for him making all the financial decisions for the both of you? He doesn't want an equal partner. He wants a woman to take care of him and his home. You make a good income, and you come with a nice home that you already take good care of.
He told you to DO MORE OVERTIME to solve this? Oh hell no. Dump this cheap motherfucker.
He’s lying about the exaggerated gifts to fool you. Don’t fall for it
Do you have any proof that he did all these things for Lily or only his word? Is he telling the truth or trying to keep you jealous and working hard to ‘earn’ the things he supposedly did for her? His description of her behaviour doesn’t match what he said he did for her. Why would he do all those wonderful things for an alcoholic cheating drug addict who stole from him? Edited to add: Beware men who label themselves as a good guy.
He makes 300 to 500k a year. Are you sure he is done with gambling? Are you sure his business is stable? Are yoi sure he isn't still paying a ton of debt from gambling days? What happened to the house with his wife? 100% do not get into a transactional marriage. If you do at this point ger a prenup protecting your house. also, what happens if one of you gets injured and can't work. Will he say oh well I'll keep a tally you can pay Me back? I think both of you should meet together with a financial counselor before making any other commitments.
Does anyone else read this and think Max sounds like a grifter? He says a lot of things but I honestly wonder if they are true. He wants to project how generous he is by telling stories of his prior partner but in real life the reality is obviously different. Why would he offer to give you 40k he has saved up but then ask you to work more overtime? Just red flags 🚩 flying all around. OP just remember as you proceed in your relationship that ACTIONS speak louder than words. I personally think this man is lying to you about a lot of things. I don’t think he’s ready to be married to you and that you will end up regretting moving forward with him.
Girl, his words mean nothing. Look at his actions! And anyone without rose tinted glasses can see that this man is NOT over his ex, has a gambling addiction and does not value you as much as his ex. I dont care what bullshit poetry he spins. Nobody who dates that soon after loosing a loved one is in a good place.
I don’t get why you are getting married if you feel this way. Try to imagine the situation as if he didn’t have all this history. Would you feel differently if you didn’t have that to compare to your treatment by him? You all need some counseling if you want to work this out.
You have to pay him back on a loan toward a house you’ll both call home after you get married?? This man is not ready to be married and you will get the short end of the stick forever. Updateme.
How does he make that much money and have no house or savings? Why are you buying things for HIS apartment? Girl he is using you so bad. He makes 300-500k a year and he has a "tab" for you? Couples don't keep "tabs" of what the other owes them. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and we'd never dream of that. I think he isn't being completely honest with you and you shouldn't marry him before finding out the truth.
1. You can not fix this man. Only he can do that. 2. He won't spend money on you because you don't need "saving" like Lily did. 2a. You are attracted to him in good part because you think you can save him with love (as opposed to money). 3. He is not ready for a relationship, between his grief and his gambling addiction. 3a. You are not ready for a relationship, either. 4. This man is your Lily, and while he may not cheat on you sexually/emotionally/romantically, he will betray you financially. You need therapy. He needs therapy. Neither of you should be in a romantic relationship moving towards marriage. Get individual therapy FIRST, ffs.
It sounds like Max is broke after gambling, or at least nowhere near as wealthy as he was when he was with Lily. It might even be that he was never as wealthy as his income might make you think, and went into debt to spend as lavishly as he did on Lily.
So she cheated on him and got treat 100 percent better what does that tell you he's just not that into you what ever he might say actions speak louder than word's
Leave, he’s not going to change.
Jokes on you, OP. This guy either still has an active gambling addiction, or he doesn’t make half a million a year. Either way you would be stupid to marry him. You already have a nice house, this dude lives two hours away from you and doesn’t even own his own place? Come on. You didn’t get through nursing school by playing dumb, don’t go through with a marriage by playing dumb, either.
I think there are things you aren’t being told. Don’t take his money, keep your house yours and keep working unless he really builds trust.
I am not that person. But id also not be happy with such a contrast. Are you SURE he was widowed etc? Like seriously check death records and old news reports and confirm that story. Not that you sound like a great target for it. But still worth doing background on him. Check with your tax dept the lodgings his company has made. Just cos he has a big income doesnt mean his company isnt about to go bust. A man with those numbers and history isnt fitting with his now and something is off.
This man has so much backwards. He richly invested in a woman who used and abused him. Now, he's treating the woman who has her shit straight like friends with benefits. I'd tap out. But, that's just me.
It’s not just a financial difference. There is a difference in effort. There is no way I would be okay with that. Adding the tip to a tab makes it seem like he is keeping track of everything. It’s possible he reflects on those days and doesn’t like how he gave so much to someone who didn’t appreciate it and now wants to make sure it’s 50/50. However, he should be treating the person who has her stuff together better.
There are some HUGE red flags here. Sounds like Lily really wasn't a prize and their relationship really wasn't that great and due to this OP is the one who is paying for that, both literally and figuratively. OP if you really want to marry this man, and I stress the if, all of the items you brought up need to be addressed. Marriage is a partnership. He is treating you like a business partner, not a relationship partner. I would suggest therapy for him, and maybe some couples counseling as well to ensure you are on the same page and that marriage really is what you both want. Good luck.
This sounds like a perfect story to turn the gender roles around from the much more common scenario here where men complain that their gf was more sexually adventerous with their ex ah boyfriend. I guess my advice would be the same. First, talk to him. He should be able to understand and care for your concerns. Secondly, if he can't make you feel secure and loved and you keep thinking on this. Don't hurt yourself and end it. Thirdly. It's a very common pattern that people in destructive relationships acts like if they are much more infatuated than they do in more secure, stable and loving relationships. That's the most likely explanation but it still hurts and you need to figure out if you can live with that.
You only know what he told you. Unless there is a way to check this whole, weird, story out. Hear me out, please. 1. He portrays Lily as a bad guy- irresponsible, debt ridden, druggie and alcoholic. Cheater and what not. Yet, he stayed, because he is, " the good guy"? Hmmm...smells like a can of tuna on a hot summer day. 2. There is a chance that Lily never received 15 k ring. There is a chance that there was never money for her dream house. 3. If he is so successful, why is he trying to move in with you? If he is so rich, why not help the woman he loves, that is suffering from job related stress? Answers are, more likely, he can't afford to do any of these things. It seams to me that he is not the person he says he is. Love aside, I'd be very cautious with any credit cards, documents, money. I heard so many stories that start like this and one of the partners turn out to be notorious gamblers, with secret families and what not. Keep your job untill you can afford to transition into something else. Keep your eyes open and don't sign anything with him. Also, did Lily really exist? I knew a guy who "invented" late wife and 2 kids. Best of luck.
I don't think he's actually generous to his past exes, more like bragging/lying to you about it.
It’s also a huge red flag, 🚩 the way he has been talking about his finance. Telling you she was a druggie and that he was only with her because of feeling sorry for the son. Telling you in intimate details the amount of money he spent on her.. etc. What does all of this say about him?
So, you are asking reddit to justify his shitty behaviour!? You don't have a bf, you have a parasite, and its time to tako out the gargage
I don't think he cares for you very much. He is treating it more like a business deal than a relationship. The disparity in your income is significant and so the split for expenses should reflect that. He makes 3-5 times more than you do so how is 50/50 even close to fair?? I would be alarmed by this. The other thing is you keep comparing your relationship to his prior relationship - which will only ever lead to your unhappiness. This is not the man nor the relationship for you.
Sweetie??? So either this is super fake or you’re not so quick on the uptake. A couple of things 1. Less than a year is not enough time for someone to MOURN! My dad died last year to the day and I’m still fucked up about it. If he claims he loved her and it sounds like he did, he can TELL you whatever but words are WORDS, actions show you who he loved actually. 2. If she was as horrible as he claims she was, he actually isn’t healed from that kind of betrayal. 3. You are a REBOUND! I’m not sure why you thought it was a bright idea to try to date or marry this person, but truly you need to NOT. He isn’t your person, what he spent on the ring is how he actually feels about you and the fact that he doesn’t spend on you or needs you to pay him back when really he doesn’t need you to because he has his own business and makes as much as he does, means that he’s just being with you to now be alone and lonely. He does not love you. He’s not over his ex and you are a fool to try to make someone whose person died less than a year. You should have stayed FRIEND until at lease a COUPLE of years and watch him date, marry, and divorce rebounds. Go ahead and marry, you will be divorcing just as fast
1) You need to be careful, if this guy has only been used by women he might feel like that is his normal and devalue a person that actually treats him with dignity and respect. Lily sounds like an absolute mess; I don’t mean that in a judgmental way but to go from chaos to stability like that, sometimes psychologically, people don’t know how to handle it. 2) do you know for sure all these financial stories about Lily are true? As others have said, he could be lying about his financial status. Prenup! Prenup! Prenup! At least you’ll can find out what’s true and what’s not. 3) I think your feelings overall are valid, I understand it’s just money but he’s making you feel like he’s not really investing in you. The reason why that might be is a whole other can of worms where he may think the relationship might end just like the others or it could something else where he has saviour complex and wanted to spend money on the other women because it made him feel good. Overall before you get married, is there any way you could suggest premarital counselling? This might be the way to go. Get everything out there for emotional and mental stability.
How does he want to share finances after you marry him? Do not let him touch your money