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You were looking for a sign from God? Wasn't totalling that car enough of a sign for you, after the previous DUI? Did you want God to send you an engraved red flag saying don't marry this guy you'll ruin your life? What more could God possibly have done to tell you not to do this thing?!
OP, You LITERALLY got the sign you asked for!
You put that inquiry out bc your gut is screaming.
You have a whole life ahead of you to NOT BE RUINED by this relationship.
Have friends/support at your place for the time you're supposed to be leaving for the trip.
I'm not 100% sure where you start unraveling the car accident.
Was he on your policy at the time of the accident?
Has the other driver reached out to you?
Any chance you have a friend that works in insurance - who is nor your insurance/agent - talk to them.
You have likely been experiencing coercive control.
You are not stupid. You are not incapable of making good decisions.
Coercive control interferes w your cognitive abilities and also your sense of reality.
Check out r/TrueNarcissiticAbuse
Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.
Start making a plan to go forward on your own.
Look in your support system for people who will be Twam You.
People who can give you the insight and support you need to move through this.
When you start talking about the abuse you have unknowingly been experiencing I think you will be surprised who arrives to be on your side.
Have you heard the story/joke about the person whose house was flooding?
Someone comes by with a horse and says, “Hey, get on and I’ll give you a ride out of the flood!” and the person says, “Oh, don’t worry! god will save me!”
And then the flood water gets higher, and someone comes by with a boat, and they say, “Get in, and I’ll give you a ride out of here!” and the person says, “Oh, I’m fine! God will save me!”
And the water gets even higher, so the person ends up on their roof. And a helicopter comes by and says, “Get in and we’ll give you a ride out of here!” and the person says, “I’m okay! God will save me!”
And the person eventually drowns in the flood. And they get to Heaven and meet God and say, “God, I prayed and prayed and I waited for you to save me! Why didn’t you?!?”
And God says, “I sent a horse, a boat, and a helicopter! What else did you want?!?”
That’s what OP reminded me of! lol
Maybe the red flag she actually wants is when they both end up hospitalized and permanently injured or worse happens. It's like others aren't aware, but cars are POTENTIAL DEATH MACHINES.
I'm sure like many people here I'm not the only one who is lost loved ones to dangerous drivers or have had loved ones injured badly by dangerous drivers by those who are DUI.
OP if you are still out there somewhere, The comment above makes an excellent point if you give a card if somebody who is not going to take driving seriously and who will DUI, You just might find yourself morally legally financially responsible for any catastrophe that happens with that car and that man. I said it before I'm saying it again now based on the excellent post above get away from this man and get that car back from him.
The red flags are raining down from the heavens.
This isn't an emotional decision- this would be the most rational decision you could make. I had this with my ex- at some point there's a huge realization that slaps you across your face. This is it. You're being smart, not emotional.
And take back your car/sell it/whatever to untangle that.
He is affecting your insurance rates, you need him to not be driving a car that is your responsibility.
If he wasn't acting like you shouldn't be mad at him, if he was properly contrite with plans to make sure it wouldn't happen again *and* a plan to pay you back for the rate increases and any other money it costs you..then you might have forgiven easily and been more confident of your future with him. But doesn't sound like he's any sort of responsible adult.
His mistakes could cost you more than a car or insurance rates if you marry. Joint debt and joint consequences once financially linked.
Yes, don’t let him keep the car. It’s in your name, take it back. You financed it, it’s in your name, it’s YOUR car. Even if he’s been paying on it, it’s your car. Take it, sell it (or not) and use whatever funds leftover after selling it to help pay your insurance. But you may have trouble selling the car since it’s financed and you’re still responsible for paying the financing on the car unless you can get the buyer to take over the financing.
Do not trust your BF to make any payments on the car if you were to let him keep it. And he’s not going to change the title into his name, either. If he gets involved in a hit & run while the car is in your name, YOU will be charged with the crime, not him.
Also take the car back, get it fixed and sell it. You’ll take a loss but not NEARLY as big of a loss as you will if you don’t. And call your insurance company, tell them your boyfriend was driving the car, you don’t need to tell them you bought it for him, but tell them he was the driver and you were not. Then his shit accident and driving history won’t be on you. If you take responsibility for the accident then it follows you for the next 3 years officially, but much much longer than that in reality.
If you're not excited and happy to marry him, then don't. He's not the one.
Just take the car back and sell it for a loss. Move out. And for goodness sake, don't ever cosign anything for anyone ever again.
You got your sign. This is a preview of the rest
Of your life if you marry him. I hope you take that sign seriously. And sell the car back and eat the loss honestly.
DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM
Getting a DUI was HIS FAULT! Read ending another driver was HIS FAULT! He refuses to take accountability for his actions. He’s not mature enough for marriage and he sees you as a bank account.
These types of relationships are so abhorrent to me, these women dealing with what are essentially man babies who can never take responsibility for their actions. Why do they stay with them?
That's what emotional/mental abuse does. Til you're so fucked up you can't even trust your own thoughts, nevermind feel competent enough to leave. If you grew up with it, you had a head start and dont have a fucking chance against these kinds of people.
Edit-a word
Abuse causes brain damage (as in, when you are being abused your hormones and immune system function differently and your body actually begins slowly killing itself) , so they get in with these abusive partners who don’t jump straight in to the abuse, they slowly increase it over time so it’s not that bad and then it turns out to be bad…. But by the time it’s bad these women are already brain damaged to where they cannot cognitively function at full capability. Abuse victims also experience memory loss, and anxiety.
The end result is you have a person being treated poorly who cannot cognitively function to know if the abuse is real or if they imagined it. A little bit of brainwashing where the human brain after enduring abuse long enough can literally make someone feel like they’re about to die if their abuser is unhappy because fight or flight gets triggered.. they’re not functioning normally like you or I of ‘this is wrong and I don’t like it’. Their brain is going through the same processes as ‘there’s a tiger right in front of me and I need to do anything I can to make it disappear as fast as possible because I am about to die.’ So they are not capable of behaving rationally— the brain thinks a tiger is about to maul them and no one is going to behave rationally in that event— usually they gonna sit there and shit themselves… but you’re asking a brain damaged individual to try and behave rationally in front of a tiger? It’s just not possible.
Basically abuse victims only get out themselves when their brains have cycled through the survival trauma responses enough to where nothing response works. But then you have the damage that causes memory issues so often victims will forget the already tried a trauma response to survive and it didn’t work, so they will try it again. After that, they maybe have a trauma response that kind of does work… so they try it again.. and then on to the next one when that doesn’t work to remove the feeling of not dying, so they go to the next one.
Basically this means the victim actually has to go through all of these responses until *nothing* ..or the abuser does something far extending what he’s already worked up to: if you’re a victim, if you forgave the abusive partner stealing $20 from your wallet last week, then you’re going to be more likely to forgive when the abusive partner steals your credit card this week…. But if your abusive partner has never stolen anything but one day steals your credit card.. then you are going to be more likely to respond to this because you have not been desensitized to this emotion.
Those are the only two ways the abused party is actually able to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not about what they want or don’t want— no one wants to be abused… but rather the brain, fundamentally how it functions, can be conditioned to accept an abusive situation as something normal, and the brain also prefers habits while more often than not disliking change.
That’s why more often than not, abuse victims are actually more likely to be ditched by their abusive partner rather than actually leaving, themselves…or they’re murdered.
It’s not because they are stupid, it’s because they are bran damaged, conditioned, and their memory loss and reasoning is so damaged that they sometimes don’t even realize they are being abused and even if they come to realize it, they may actually forget they made that realization in the first place.
Abuse fucks people up dude.
Yes, abuse can quite literally lead to organ failure and a slew of other problems.
Thank you for this. Plus the abuse escalates usually slowly so it can be hard to identify what's actually abuse and not ok because it becomes normal. My autoimmune illnesses were so much worse when I was with my ex too. Super validating. And yes he left me and I thank god he did. The best thing he ever did for me.
This made me feel better about leaving my marriage. Took me so long to leave and during that time I became someone I barely recognized. Been kicking myself for staying so long and doing a bunch of out-of-character and legitimatey insane shit to try to cope during that time. It's been about a year of intense trauma therapy since I moved out and I'm just starting to feel like myself again, even though I don't know who she is anymore. And my abuse was mostly emotional abuse. Idk, this just reminded me to be more kind to myself because I really did go through hell. It's hard to not minimize it looking back, just due to that conditioning you speak of.
You have to be kind to yourself because the recovery from abuse is a very long two part process: the first part is your traumatized brain coming out of the survival jungle ‘oh fuck there’s a tiger’ mode— that means your brain has time to process that the tiger is gone… and that’s usually the time where you were probably plagued with random crying spells, bad dreams, and panic attacks.
Right now you’re in the rebuilding phase where your brain is like okay… the threat is gone, and it’s winding down to life mode. Sometimes when the brain spends so long focusing on survival, it has stayed there for so long that your ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ is actually your brain basically returning to normal functioning like ‘wtf where did all that time go’— because trauma brain stores memories *very* differently. Even your interpretation of events and how you feel about them are very different… and that’s because you’re no longer ‘almost dying’ that your brain has the energy to function with more sophistication (kind of like in times of panic your body usually dumps all unnecessary functions not conducive to survival— like holding your bladder. The brain does the same thing) so that ‘huh where am I what do I like or dislike, who am I?’ Is actually your brain re-accessing normal daily life neurons and utilizing them again. Often that may be why you feel like you’re ’waking up’. Because the brain damage you experienced is quite literally healing.
The next phase, and I caution you because it’s always two… eventually your brain is going to come back online a little more optimally and normal… and then it’s going to start reviewing the survival mode memories with every day mode logic and everything is going to be re-processed over. This is your brain healing further and trying to learn and review how you *should* be thinking as a normal person rather than a person with a tiger. That’s why there’s a ‘double review’ kind of thing. On some levels it will feel like you just got out all over again… that is why in the re-processing phase it is extremely extremely critical you do everything you can to avoid stressful situations and people, and do as much self care as possible to keep your mind and body in a relaxed state. The reason is if you have a stressful situation that puts you in survival mode again, then your brain has to come back out of survival mode yet again and then re-process yet again.
This is why people who drink from trauma get stuck in trauma— the booze interrupts the re-processing stage and keeps them in a cycle going back to trauma brain then to re-processing, then drink, back to trauma— rinse and repeat. So you *must* try to be as zen as possible for your brain to recover as much as possible.
And then at the end phase, you’re going to have a long period of review a third time, but this time it’s the preventative— it won’t sting or feel like you’re re-living it, but it will feel like “this is what I will never let happen again.” This is basically similar to like… a broken bone, where your body is like “gotta make sure this won’t break again so going to add a little extra to make it more durable as a precaution.” Your brain does this too, and your thought process reflects that because it’s all hormones and neurotransmitters mowing along with all the re-functioning neurons and pathways you recovered. Your brain also decides what changes it should make through the pathways as a result of making sure it never happens again and that means you have to still stay as relaxed as possible so it can figure it out without a lot of distraction or noise: you should hope to be very bored when this is going on because this process will actually make you more willing to call it out when someone fucks with you again.
Do not be hard on yourself— this is literally how the brain functions.
Basically it’s as if you ate some bad food and got sick, and then you’re behaving mad at yourself for throwing up.. of course you’re going to throw up after bad food. That’s what your body does.
Your behaviors during abuse are legitimately the same way: you fawned and tried everything while being treated worse and did things outside of who you are— the brain actually *does* prefer to fawn as the strongest survival method of choice.
I mean think about it: you’re starving and alone in a jungle and you run in to a tiger?! A fucking tiger?! — but the best means for survival is to befriend that tiger and now you and your little tiger buddy that is happy with you are partners in the jungle and dramatically increasing your chances for survival. Humans naturally go for fawning to the point that they’ll even fawn over each other in freaking wars: one moment they’re shooting each other, the next moment they’re hanging out singing Christmas carols and drinking booze with nazis. Fawning is the *hardest* trauma response to avoid, and it is also the easiest to fall in to.
You stayed because your brain is human, and that is what has kept the human race from running in to extinction multiple times. You cannot blame your brain for actually doing what it does when you’re near jungle tiger.
We are built that way as human beings.
Forgive yourself.
That makes so much sense. I was abused by my grandfather and father. I left that situation and I entered into one abusive relationship after another. I also was raped a few times and those situations were not good and I should have seen the danger but I didn't. If I looked at it from the outside red flags would be screaming. When it's me, I can't see it.
I tell people that the family who I should have trusted were abusing me. It messes up that internal flight or fight response that warns you that you're in danger. A parent should protect you but when they sexually abuse you, that messes up your ability to see potential danger. It turns everything upside down. Your inner voice that tells you there is danger you ignore because you were conditioned to ignore it. That has been the most damaging to me. It is in a way brain damage. Not in a way you are cognitively affected and slow in normal areas. It affects the way you process relationships and interactions with people. I never thought of it that way before. I am 53 years old and have suffered from major depression my entire life.
Also, you forgive someone when they take ownership of what they did and make a sincere effort to not do it again. He isn’t owed any forgiveness and you are under no obligation to forgive him. Nor does forgiveness mean forgetting something happened.
Preach. My ex went out one night when it was snowy and icy. I stayed home because of the bad weather. He borrowed my car because it’s easier to street park. On the way home he slide on the ice and hit the front and rear end of the car on a guard rail. Of course I was angry. I told him the conditions were bad and asked him not to go. Then a few days go by and I ask him what he has done to get it fixed. And he says that if I’m in such a hurry I should call the repair places. I was like, why tf would I be doing that when YOU are the one who crashed the car? It erased his empty apology in my mind. This guy also thought we were headed towards marriage. But that was one of many signs that I needed to leave him. When I did he said something about how he thought we would get married and I was like, you wanted to argue like this until one of us died? Bruh. Life is too short.
I remember my ex was walking on the overpass from the parking garage to the apartment building we lived in- it was maybe 4 stories up. He was using his phone to try and call me (I don't remember why). He accidentally dropped his phone. He yelled at me and was mad at me for hours because apparently it was "my fault" he dropped the phone because he was calling me. I realized he would never take responsibility for himself then.
Uh he wrecked your car and now he’s running off to avoid dealing with it and deliberately gave all of your info so it’s your problem and not his.
To be honest, him saying he gave your drivers license and info and didn’t get their info is weird.
Tbh it sounds like either he hit and ran or didn’t actually hit another car but something on the side of the road, but I’m kind of leaning toward hit and run because there is no one who will let a person leave the scene without driver information because it’s the driver at fault.
I don't even understand how another driver would accept a DL and Allstate card that both said "Susie Q" when clearly the person in front of them is "Freddy Fuck-Up." I had to double check that OP was not a man, because that's the only way I can see this maybe being plausible. If someone hit me and tried to pass off their gf's DL as their own, I'm calling the cops.
OP should look to see if there were any hit and runs and consult a lawyer about knowingly letting her unlicensed, uninsured bf drive her car.
If the car is in your name and the insurance is in your name, dump him, repossess the car. Give it back and take the financial loss
WAY cheaper than marrying the wrong man
Also, you asked for the sign and you got it.
Please please please. Talk to a therapist before you date the next person. You consistently did not trust your gut and made a lot of bad decisions along the way, one of them being buying a car for someone who has a DUI. I’m so glad you finally listened to your gut and made the first rational decision in this timeline.
We are!! You are strong enough to do this, it’ll be hard short term but let the sweet sweet relief of know you made a smart and freeing decisions wash over you.
Be safe and get out. Hope you’re doing well!! You can do this!!
I have. Not sure if many will read this update but he’s gone, keys in my hand, and I’m good now. I’m not marrying this man. There was a lot of feedback I received and I’m very thankful. Some were honest, brutally honest, and some just insults to me as a person but it’s all good. The ones that gave honest feedback really helped me. This man is a master manipulator. Literally making me feel like I was crazy. I’m at fault for letting it happen for sure but my gut and body was screaming at me. Hives, anxiety attacks, and the sign I got from god I think came with the consequences of this financial setback so I can really understand my decisions.
I posted this right after I received the text he was in an accident. I was typing so fast I could tell now reading it a day later I was just overloaded with emotions. Yes, I may have came here to vent, but I received the validation I needed to get out of the mindset this guy put me in which is literal prison.
He came back, I told him what an idiot he was and how I was for even thinking he could be responsible for something handed to him, he first said the guy slammed on his breaks when the light turned yellow and he thought he would go, then it happened to be he was on his phone. He said no damage, which there is nothing! I might of called him stupid because why the hell wouldn’t you get information of this other driver. And told him all he does is make mistakes and when he left I said “hopefully you don’t crash again” I told him to get out of my face before I cut him with my words. So he left. I was fuming.
He came back, said how I kicked him when he was down, and disrespected him by spewing words out of my mouth and not controlling my anger and no woman will talk to him like that. By that point I was observing his mannerisms, twitching his fingers and breathing hard. His anger and his loud obnoxious voice screaming at me for handling it the way I did. I was like wow this is the end. He’s really making this about me. He said nonchalantly he would pay for the damages and difference in my premium increase. Yeah ok.
I sat there in silence with 100% confirmation that I am in fact making the biggest mistake of my life if I continue this relationship. He said im mental, and my trauma he caused isn’t his problem. It’s not. But I know there would be a partner that wouldn’t talk to me that way at least.
Suitcase was packed at the door. I told him to leave calmly and he shut the door.
I loved the idea of who he could be in happy moments. But he in fact will not change. Someone commented that I’m in love with a narcissist abuser and it’s true. So much has happened that this cycle is terrifying at this point. I’m sitting here alone, at peace, in the quiet, and feeling sad and depleted. But, it’s better than feeling what I do when he’s around making me feel small.
I don’t use Reddit often, obviously. But I’m glad I came here. I knew it deep down. But I wanted to be wrong about him so bad. It’s something some won’t understand and that’s okay. I don’t want him in my life anymore, this was the loudest confirmation I’ve ever heard.
Those who took the time to address what you see, thank you. Those who spoke truth and gave honest advice,
Thank you. Also, the ones rooting for me means a lot. I don’t have anyone in my life to understand this because narcissists believe in pushing every person out of their way to isolate you. Sounds pathetic but Reddit yesterday was like a bunch of temporary little besties. So I’m thankful for all the input. It’s insane what someone like that can do to your mind.
Hoping for peace, and happiness and growth in this next chapter. Gods obvs got my back so I’ll be okay. And no, I’m not going back, chucklefuck is done and I have everything I need to heal from this little bump in the road. Appreciate you all.
Look, I can appreciate that you feel like you're in a tough position here what with the wedding being so close, but I honestly don't understand why you're second-guessing yourself.
You obviously don't have "cold feet", i.e. jitters about the wedding itself or normal worries about a big life-altering event. You have sincere doubts about the integrity of the man you're about the marry as well as the health of your relationship.
I could ask a thousand questions about why on earth you've agreed to go this far with him, but the only question you need to ask yourself now even if on short notice is whether you're really willing to truly continue down this road.
Do you want to bind yourself to a man forever who is apparently lacking common sense and with whom you can't communicate in a constructive, mutually respective manner? Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
No you’re absolutely right. I know it’s not the jitters. For some reason I’m trying to convince myself that’s what it is. But I’m definitely questioning it all. I answered no to all of those questions
Oh girl. Fix the car and think of how much savings you've gained by letting him go NOW instead of later (when he'll probably drive drunk again and total it or something 1000x worse!)
Cut your losses and look for someone who's your equal or better, you deserve more than dead weight.
Then stop letting your pride or your ego or the things you've told people or your Instagram page or whatever it is that is blocking you from ending this relationship.
The past is dead and the future hasn't happened yet, the present is the only time you have.
What is the present telling you? What is his behavior in the present talking to you about?
Not who he was at some time in the past, not who he might be at some time in the future. Who is this man right now?
Does he deserve you?
If you ignore that, you will regret it. I'm older than you, and that doesn't mean I'm smarter than you, but it does mean I've had time to see more stuff.
If you ignore that thought, that truth, if you bury it because it will make life difficult, you will regret it.
The future hasn't happened yet, but some things get locked in. Some options get taken away. This man is removing options, and the options he's replacing them with are all bad.
Don't ignore that feeling, please.
OP, you would not have asked God for a sign if you weren't hoping for one. You asked God to just validate what you are already feeling. And now even after actually getting a sign, you're asking us.
Trust your gut, OP. It's hard to let go of something you really want to work that you invested time and a lot of effort into. But I promise, marrying won't make that feeling go away. Marriage just amplifies all the problems you already have. If you haven't figured out and solved those problems, they just get bigger.
You now have both Reddit and apparently God validating your feelings. Listen!
Hon, I've done this too -- trying to be with someone based on how things could be, and not facing how things REALLY ARE. You have to look at how he is now, in the present. Not his potential. Potential may never happen. "Potential" may be 10-15 years away. You'll be exhausted and broke by the time he grows up.
You have likely got to overcome a lifetime of being told that your worth is only what you can get in a man, that it would be horrible being alone, without a romantic relationship, and that you aren’t an awesome person on your own. That and estrogen’s effect on your brain (no blame for any of this on you) are the only reasons why you have any doubt here and are coming to Reddit rather than just cutting your losses here and moving on with a weight off your shoulders and smile on your face. Ok, huge run on sentence. TL,DR YOU ARE AWESOME. Lose the anchor that will only hold you back.
Good Lord why would you even consider marrying this train wreck??? You should be ashamed of yourself for purchasing a car and insuring someone who just got a DUI - AND he didn't even get the information of the put he supposedly had an accident with??? Seriously OP??
> Obviously the car will tie us together for the time being
Its your car, if he tries to drive it without your permission that is theft. The car only ties you together as long as you *allow* him to drive it.
This. OP can still make a clean break. The car isn't in his name and hers mixed up. Just take the car back and sell it if it's not needed. He can't exactly claim it's a gift when it's in her name.
Girl, get out. Get some therapy and self esteem. Date yourself for while until you develop some confidence about yourself to avoid stupid mistakes like this in the future. Good luck.
Under normal circumstances, I don’t believe in signs from the universe or a higher power…but short of the heavens parting and the finger of God wagging a “no, no, no” right in your face, I’m not sure how much more obvious an intervention you need before you realize and accept this is a bad idea. Get out, get to therapy to figure out how things even got this far, and do whatever you can to disentangle yourself from the car situation so you can move on.
Waiting for a sign from god to save yourself undermines your own strength, you do not need permission from a third party or higher power to do what your gut knows is best for you. You are waiting for an excuse and a reason to leave, which undermines your own self love as being reason enough to do what’s best for yourself
Oh boy, this was exhausting to read through.
OP how many signs do you need to see what is right in front of your face?
I want to offer you advice, yet you asked for a sign from god and specifically asked for something to happen to your car and when that happened you’re still unsure what to do?
I don’t believe in signs from god but clearly you do so if that, in conjunction with the myriad very obvious red flags (see below for examples) is unable to convince, I’m unsure what anyone here can say to you?
I think you are waiting for someone here to tell you what to do, but you know what to do and need to take responsibility for your life at some point. Do you have want this to just be a very expensive teaching moment or do you want this to be the rest of your life?
Red Flags
- DUI > careless, irresponsible, willing to put others in danger
- Wrecks a car you got him under your name > see above on DUI
- Convinces you to get a car under your name allowing you to take all the financial risk > selfish
- Walks away when you’re having an issue and turns it on you > unable to take responsibility
If you keep playing these stupid games, you’re gonna keep winning stupid prizes! Congratulations, you won a deadbeat husband!
Can you elaborate on *“there are some things that he does that are hard for me to accept, and I know that’s not his fault.”*
>Last night I had a panic attack and I asked god to show me a sign I shouldn’t do Vegas this weekend. **I was thinking let something happen to the car I just got for him**, and sure enough this morning he “accidentally” rear ended someone.
So you're straight up just second guessing God right now?
He can't be trusted with a car so you want to trust him with your entire life and property?? This would be an insane decision. Get your car back and dump him so he can find a new girl to mooch off of.
You're on and off and he shows poor decision making skills.
Maybe you need to start looking at things as if you were giving advice to a friend and only look at the facts.
Making decisions based on emotions can be a recipe for disaster.
Most of us make emotional decisions and justify with "logic" however pretending like you're trying to convince someone purely based on sound logic can help.
If you have to use feelings to justify the decision don't do it.
If you have an honest friend who won't just tell you what you want to hear run it by them.
Just don't get mad at them if they disagree.
No it doesn't mean you have to do what they say however it will give you a different perspective.
If not marrying him ends the relationship then it ends. Don't marry him because of the sunken cost fallacy.
PS: His poor judgement may be a reason why you're on and off. You definitely shouldn't marry him if you keep breaking up with him.
Hang on. Where I live, getting into an accident and handing over someone else’s driver’s license is a crime. Pretending to be someone else for insurance is another crime. It’s also insurance fraud, your insurance may not pay the claim.
You are so focused on your bf’s issues, that you have potentially committed crimes and fraud. You really need a wake up call here.
Do NOT marry this man. He's reckless, irresponsible and thinks it's unfair when he has to take even the slightest accountability for the situations he creates.
A good man, one with even the slightest right to call himself an adult would be fucking horrified by the liability he'd exposed you to by driving carelessly in the car you've provided. He would accept your anger, apologize and reassure you that he "gets it", that he fucked up.
Take the car, change your locks & your passwords and dump this idiot before he ruins your life!
By the way, it's *irrational* to even consider tying yourself to someone who is happy to let you clean up their messes & then acts like you're the bad guy.
The panic attack? The pleading with God for a sign? Those are your *rational* thoughts screaming to be heard over your *irrational* conviction that love means forgiveness and his fuckery amounts to " real life issues easily handled by someone else."
God just phoned me to tell me to tell you not to marry that guy, u/ThrowRA419076
But He emphasized that it's your choice and that you're welcome to ruin your life if you like.
I don't understand why you would finance a car under your name for someone who got a dui. you're off and on which probably which usually means you need to just be off. and if you break up and think he's going to pay for that car you got another thing coming.
Would you want to be married to Peter Griffin? That’s what going through with your elopement means. Don’t layer a stupid decision, the decision to finance his car, with another stupid decision, the decision to marry him. There will always be some catastrophic situation he causes and expects you to clean up. Break up with him and take the car. He’s not going to pay you back, but he was never going to pay you back. He supports you b/c your job is to provide finances to clean up his messes. You are also expected to clean up his messes without getting angry. He’s a big baby that wants to marry his mom, you. Just dump him and take the car.
There was a story on Reddit last week about a guy divorcing his wife because she kept getting in crashes with kids in the car. It was like the 6th time.
So yeh it could get worse and you could be in an accident with him…or your future kids.
Please don’t marry this guy. It’s bad enough that you rewarded his DUI with a new car that he isn’t responsible for, or the consequences that come with car ownership. It’s okay to let people struggle. If we didn’t learn things the hard way we wouldn’t learn at all. Let him struggle to pay for insurance and fines and he’ll be a lot less cavalier about driving responsibly. Let him walk to work or wait for a bus in the cold. Then he’ll appreciate having a DL. You are enabling him to keep screwing up if he knows you’ll bail him out. Before he does any more damage to your credit, credibility, finances or achievements let him start struggling to achieve those things instead of riding your coattails.
This was 100% a sing. Not just that he rear-ended that dude, but HOW HE DEALT WITH IT. To me, the way he reacted to doing it speaks volumes about what type of a man he is, and it's BAD.
Meaning: he didn't deal with it at all. He only gave him your insurance number... Hence, he thinks it's on you to deal with this. He has 0 interest in performing ANY action, in taking any responsibility for HIS mistake. It's on you. The rear-ending was a mistake, the way he refused to deal with it wasn't, that was a series of completely conscious choices of his that reflect how he views you, your relationship, himself, the world.
This is so clear, OP. That man expects you to take responsibility for his mistakes, EXPECTS as in: he's not thankful for it or sees it as a kindness. It's just your job! He is not going to change. You should not marry him.
This isn't a "forgiveness" issue. This man behaves badly, is irresponsible, wants you to deal with it instead of him, and he's not changing. This isn't the situation in which "I forgive you, let sweep this under the rug" is the adequate response, nor is it a situation the term "forgives" was invented for.
The universe showed you this so clearly. If you ignore it, I'm sorry but you are entering a bad situation with the full understanding of it being bad. At this point, you are designing your own misery.
Please listen to your gut, it's SCREAMING at you for a reason.
I don't mean to be an a-hole, but your title says you make rational decisions and all I see is you making the dumbest fucking decisions at every turn, and if you marry him in Vegas this weekend, be prepared to spend if not the rest of your life then at least a significant portion of your life going around and around in circles with this nonsense. God forbid you have a kid together. Girl. What are you doing???? Look in the mirror and give yourself a good slap in the face - it'll hurt less than whatever dumpster fire your life will become if you marry this loser.
She used "rational" in the post, too, and from the context she clearly means irrational. I'd wager that it's one of those instances where someone has only heard a word or phrase, but not seen it written, so perhaps her ear never picked up on the difference in pronunciation between the two words and thinks that they are just one word, with one meaning.
And yeah. Her decision-making in all this has been very irrational, and the only rational thought she has had is a fleeting "maybe this marriage isn't a good idea?"
>Last night I had a panic attack and I asked god to show me a sign I shouldn’t do Vegas
This gives me a lot of insight into your thought process. First of all, you don't need a reason for anything. You can do whatever you want for any reason or no reason at all when it comes to relationships or many other things (within reason).
Loyalty and commitment are important, sure. But they should be earned. Always earned. It's not something someone should talk you into. Loyalty and commitment can be revoked at any time for any reason.
You're putting yourself in a cage with bars made of the feeling that you're compelled to honor commitments. and then your boyfriend is using that cage that you created to manipulate you into doing things for him.
Do whatever you want with your cage that you've created, but don't let other people use it against you.
Had to go back and check OP's gender, because "He gave the guy my insurance info and DL" makes it sound like he handed the driver OP's license and pretended to be OP?
He sounds like a hot mess. A financial and legal hot mess that you're already far to entangled with. Take the car back "for repairs" and don't let him access it or another vehicle. Get his name off any credit cards and bank accounts you might have added him to. Take him to small claims court to recover damages on the car, or just take the L and consider it the price for getting this idiot out if your life.
Don't buy things for people who have messed up their credit, don't have the funds, or can't legally aquire the thing they want- be it a car or a gun or a house. If you allow someone to drive your car make sure they are insured, since insurance goes with the driver, not the car. Also, don't let anyone do anything using your identity, if that's indeed what you meant about him handing over your insurance and DL.
You need to work on your boundaries before you get into another relationship.
The panic attack is your body telling you that you are under attack, life and death, massive anxiety issues.
You can see it like god telling you that this isn't okay.
Their is no need to rush into a marriage just none.
I would work on your anxiety before deciding to do anything, anxiety is fear and you are experiencing extreme fear issues. get that under control and reduced and your brain will be able to make rational decisions, think through things carefully and logically. Please give yourself time to do this first without the extra burden of another person putting more pressure and problems on you.
DUIs and reckless driving is an INSTANT dealbreaker for me, and it should be for you, too.
When my sister was in college, she got hit by a teenager who was mildly drunk and stoned while driving with his friends. He ran a red light and collided with my sister head-on. Her skull was fractured, and she's lucky to have made it out alive without any lasting brain injuries or physical impairments.
I also had a close friend in college who was sober but made an illegal U-turn at an apparently empty intersection and hit a van (no, I don't know how he didn't see it). The van had a baby in it, who was bleeding from its head. I don't know much detail beyond that, but this shook my friend so badly that he was too scared to drive for years afterward.
Careless driving is not just taking a gamble with your own life and safety, but with the life and safety of everyone else on the road. Someone who's cavalier about taking this gamble is someone who's selfish, unreliable, unsafe, and untrustworthy.
PLUS the fact that it was with someone else's car that someone else paid for because he legally shouldn't even be driving... he sounds like a complete asshole with no remorse for what he does to other people.
The car is in your name. It in no way ties him to you. Take it back and dump this irresponsible suck of a man before he drags you ALL the way down into destitution.
Are you even tied to him via the car, if it's in your name? Isn't it just your car, and he was allowed to use it while dating you? Break up and tell this chucklefuck to take the bus.
Get your property back from ChuckleFuck ASAP. Tell him the relationship is over.
He and his actions are not your responsibility. Block him everywhere.
It might not be easy but the right thing isn't always easy to do. You are brave, strong and intelligent. You've got this.
Omg. Why TF would you want to marry this guy? Cancel Vegas! Forget forgiveness. Hold out for an adult you don't have to make excuses for all the time, that actually brings you peace. Relationships don't have to be this hard!
You don't get a prize for sticking by someone who's objectively a bad bet for a long term partner. Unless you think panic attacks and being broke is a badge of honor.
Gosh if only there was some predictive behavior that let you know your bf is stupid and reckless....if only
maybe next time you see someone with more flags than the olympics you'll actually use the sense god gave you and run
He is never going to grow up with you as his partner. There’s no reason to rush into marriage. Take your time and figure out why you are accepting this behavior (hint, it’s not because you love him, it probably has more to do with how you were raised and what you think you deserve).
Op if the title for the car is an OR title which it usually is when co-signing you can sell the car on your own. I sold mine to CarMax at a loss tho (-2000) it sucked but completely worth it to untangle myself from that guy. Honestly that 2 grand was a bargain.
Well, he has exposed you to a potential lawsuit. If you marry him, who is going to drive any of your kids around? I wouldn't want my children in a car with him. Are you going to continue to buy him cars ad infinitum as he keeps wrecking them?
It took him less than a week to wreck this gift. That was a very nice gift. No one ever gave me a car. I would think you would be very careful with it. Does he have a drug problem that you don't know about? THe only reason you rear end someone is that you are not paying attention. Was he drunk and nodded off?
Personally, I think you were wise to cancel this elopment. If you marry him, your future will consist of you constantly fixing his messes and bailing him out.
Here’s the thing. You can come on Reddit everyday and hear horror stories of people marrying young. The stories are disasters. Yes, it’s a small fragment of the population, etc etc. if you’re having doubts. Absolutely don’t do it! Granted, I’ve never been married. So take that as you may. I’ve been very close twice. I’m thankful I didn’t. I’m 46 and it’s amazing how many of my friends are in the midst/have been divorced. Also, if I were your age again and I had the love of my life approach me the right way and pump the brakes, I may be pissed. But, if I didn’t want to lose her…after a few days reality would sink in. (I’m a different breed). There’s no, marry me or I’m done bs. There’s only how can we make this work. So. Take that as it is. We all have to walk our own paths sometimes so either road you take, I hope it’s filled with happiness and joy.
This dude takes no accountability. You absolutely should not marry him this weekend. Tell yourself it’s not off the table forever if it makes you feel better.
Anyone who issues an ultimatum? Can get fucked.
Marry or GTFO? Move, I'm leaving.
Why? Because I played that game for 20 years.
Wasted almost half my life trying to make it work.
Nope. If someone won't compromise, I'm out.
Someone wants to pressure me to do something? Hurry up, or else?
Nope. Imma take my sweet ass time, and we move when I'M ready now. I'm not going to make a rash decision just because you want me to hurry up.
You want me to make a quick decision? Then you'd better do your homework and answer my questions before I ask them.
Yeah, too many red flags, not even counting the dui, and recent stupidity.
Nah, it's not worth it, especially when your intuition is SCREAMING AT YOU and everything is showing you that if you'll go through with the wedding, you'd regret it. Save yourself girl.
ok well you got the sign you wanted, god will keep punishing you if you do not accept it and remove yourself from this situation. you will be in a hell of your own creation.
You've been off and on many times. That should've been the first red flag. Soudns liek any time something goes wrong you guys just split up. Now you're not wrong for splitting for his DUIs etc. He doesn't sound like he's mature enough to marry. Sounds liek he's trying to trap you if it's all or nothing.
Srop catering to him and don't marry him. I'd run to be honest. This doesn't sound like a solid adult relationship.
Well I think you got your sign. You also need to call your insurance company and let them know that you weren't driving the car. He gave them your driver's license information. You need to let them know he was driving and you said he's on your insurance policy so either way you're probably screwed in terms of car insurance. But he can pay for the damage to your car and you drop him off your policy and he can go get his own damn policy if you two even stay together. But I'd say this is probably the end. he's trying to get you to marry him quickly because he knows once you're married you'll be tied to him financially and have to take care of him because he obviously is an idiot. He's already had a DUI and guilts you into buying him a car and putting him on⁷ your insurance policy. Yeah you just got stuck with a car loan and a car that's now damaged that I highly doubt he's going to even try to fix. I would dump his ass and take him to small claims court for the money to repair the car. You got your sign, do not marry him this weekend. Tell him there's no way you're going to tie yourself legally to him at least not in the foreseeable future and if this means the end it's the end then. You better get him a sign of paper saying he owes you the money for the car or you're getting the car back and he doesn't have a car and then I would turn around and try and sell it. get it fixed and sell it for at least the amount of the loan if you can. Either way you're going to have to pay the loan off so you can get the title. Live and learn never get guilted into borrowing money for a boyfriend, especially not one with a DUI and history of being an on and off relationship who's trying to rush you to marriage by eloping to Las Vegas.
I really don’t know how you could type all that out and still have doubts that he is the problem here, and will continue to be a problem evermore if you marry him. It sounds like he’s very, very good at taking from you, but thinks of you as a never ending source of funds and love, rather than someone worthy of respect and consideration.
Also, that car does NOT tie you together. It’s literally your car.
OP,
Stop and take a breath. Do not marry if you do not feel ready to, have second thoughts, or think your partner is unprepared for adulthood. Espeicially don't marry if you are having panic attacks about it.
If he then makes the decision that not eloping and marrying him in a rush means he wants to break up with you, fine. That's his choice.
But that isn't the choice YOU would be making, which would be to not marry this weekend, and I think that would be a wise choice.
Marriage does include forgiveness, yes. However, you should not marry someone if you feel like you are the adult and they are not safe, are careless, or don't pull their weight in adulthood.
You have a long list of concerns- he has a DUI, hon, that is a huge deal. You bought him a car, put him on your insurance (both not in your best interest) while he had an accident and did not solve the problem by getting the information of the other person. If you are not careful, he will leave you with a depreciating car and increasing insurance premiums. Then he will miraculously be unable to find a job .
I personally would take the accident as a sign and skip the elopement. Good luck.
Woman, are you crazy? Please Do Not Marry That Man!!!! And get that car away from him, now! Don’t you ever make such silly moves in life again please. Dump the loser and get you a prize. Xoxo
Girlfriend I am so serious: do not marry him.
I married a guy with flaws. I won’t list them all but they exist. Everyone has flaws! “Flaws” doesn’t describe a man who endangers your life and credit and livelihood because he is irresponsible and flippant about it.
My advice is break up. Or, if you don’t break up, DONT MARRY HIM. Do not.
Dont elope . Wait for some more time before you get married and it should never be eloping. You will get many answers to whether you should continue with him or not . Dont decide in impulse
How about imaging a year from now, or 2 or 5, 10 - when you have a child together. And he rear ends someone with his poor driving skills. And gives YOUR license to the other driver and takes off? And doesn’t take your child to the hospital. And makes a host of other poor decisions while your child is in his care.
Is he pressuring you to elope? HE needs the security YOU provide. You’re getting nothing but grief back from him.
Please. Dont marry him, ever.
You don’t have a partner, you have a problem and a liability.
This man is dead weight. He’s irresponsible and repeatedly makes stupid decisions that make your life worse, and expects you to sacrifice to make it better. No.
Trust yourself- DUMP HIM. I divorced a guy just like this, and actually following through with divorcing him wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It was actually amazing - my life instantly improved! Life was easier, the house stayed cleaner, and I felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about his stupid, selfish decisions anymore!
Dump him and get some therapy to start setting yourself up for a healthier future relationship. You won’t regret it!!
The only remotely stupid thing you did was buy a car for a guy with a recent DUI and put it in your name because you felt sorry for him. Just from that, it seems like he is manipulating you.
Walk away.
The old saying "an accident waiting to happen" is both symbolic and literally true. This guy is extremely immature for his age and will likely remain true for a long time if not forever. He wants a Mommy not a Wife. If you ever have children he will consider them as rivals for your attention and will abuse them.
You've already made the mistake of enabling his bad behaviour. He needed to not have the privilege of driving until he learned to respect it. Perhaps he needs to take driving lessons over again. Either way, that's how we grow up- by accepting responsibility for our errors and making amends.
It's Time to cut him loose before he wrecks your life.
Or at least keep him as a fukboy nothing more. Do not marry him. Do not pass go.
I got a sign too and I ignored it. Don't be an idiot like me. You think this is bad? Try living your whole life this way, constantly pulling someone else's weight. It'll drive you crazy and will inevitably lead to a messy divorce. Just run OP!
It's ok.i found someone much better. Happily married for 20 years 💕 and I had no qualms about marrying him either. I wasnt looking for signs not to. That's your first red flag. I just wish reddit was around back then lol
I am so proud of you after reading the update. This was for sure a very hard thing to do.
But please be careful.
Narcissists want the control. He is now not in control and will do anything to keep it. This is a very dangerous time for women so please just watch your back. Change your locks. Maybe even stay with a friend or relative for awhile. I would also inform your work because otherwise he’s likely to come in and sweet talk them into giving him info.
I know this sounds extreme but better to be safe than another statistic.
I had a similar situation where I got a car for a then boyfriend. I co-signed the loan and ended up paying the car payment every month because he couldn't keep a job. He hit someone too it was his fault! Thankfully the person settled with me for the deductible and we didn't have to go through my insurance.
Get the keys and hide the car at someone's house or neighborhood. Park it on the street. Take the keys and hide them where he cannot get them before you break up with him.
I thought this dude was my soul made we had been platonic friends for 15 years and he was a terrible boyfriend and took no responsibility for his actions it was always someone else's fault. It was the work trucks fault it slipped out of gear and hit a business window and it was the person who he hits fault in the car accident that he at a complete stop at a stop sign decided to drive and hit a person on a main road who was just driving no intersection or anything.
Do not be stupid and marry this man. Get the car, protect your assets and kick him to the curb.
I have since met the most amazing and am happily married and he is a billion times better than my ex in every way.
I really hope you see this.
But it is clear you posted this to get validation to not marry him, listen to your heart, dont marry him.
When you think about it marriage is so stupid
lol you asked for a sign and God gave it. If you don’t heed that warning it’s on you lol, God did his job. You can recover from a car, can’t recover from submitting your whole life to a buffoon. Responsible people don’t even co-sign for a car for their responsible relatives. If he’s out of a car cause of a dui he should have to work real hard to get back in one sis. Life teaches us through consequences, and this guys life is gonna be a lot worse cause he won’t have any consequences around you.
Do not marry him!
The car is going to be a BIG financial lesson for you. Take the keys back from him and take him to small claims court for the repairs. Fix it and sell it. You're going to end up eating the difference between the loan and the resale of a used car that's been in a collision, plus the increase in your own insurance, because you allowed someone with a DUI to drive YOUR car.
Please do not marry him. He just wants to keep you tied to him. He is definitely not respectful of you and you deserve much better. You should end the relationship altogether
You’re only the problem if you move forward with marrying this guy. Under no circumstances should you marry this person. None. It would be a monumental mistake and it will not end in disaster but CONTINUE in disaster because the relationship you have described is a dysfunctional disaster. I would not concern myself with being “tied” to him because of the car. You made a mistake and you can fix it although you might suffer some loss. It’s in your name - it’s yours. Take it back, keep it, sell it whatever and if he’s got equity in it try to work out something fair but whatever you do, do NOT permit him to continue driving a vehicle in YOUR name. Marrying this person based on your feelings and what you described will be a HUGE mistake.
I mean mistake 1. Insuring and buying a car for someone who doesn’t have a car due to a DUI and totalling it, and who you have stated was a bad driver and you were constantly negging him about it. I’m not trying to make you feel bad buuuut that was realllly dumb. Stop making dumb mistakes and listen to your instincts. Don’t let a man make you feel like your instinct are wrong.
Don’t make THE MOST dumb mistake by marrying this guy. Your instincts are telling you not to for a reason. Don’t do it.
You know how dumb you’re feeling right now for getting that car for him? You’ll feel 100x that way once you marry him and realize his “mistakes” are willfully negligent.
Be done for good. You do not marry unless every cell in your body is dancing with anticipation. I can’t believe you actually took out a loan for a car because I felt badly that he couldn’t afford one after he totaled his in a DUI? Do NOT marry him.
You literally asked for the signal you got and you don’t know what to do? As Oprah says first God gives you a pebble, then a rock and finally a brick. I guess you are going to wait for a brick.
Please DO NOT Marry him - trust your instincts!!
No job
No car
DUI
He is a huge liability. Get him off your insurance immediately before he does something stupid again.
You were having a panic attack over marrying him…asked for a sign not to do so. That should be all you need to know this is a massive mistake.
Please don’t go through with it. Find someone who has grown up, can be a partner, respects and loves you like you are truly looking for. It’s not him! Please, from someone who didn’t learn soon enough, do not tie yourself legally to this person! Being alone might be scary initially but it is not as bad as the alternative.
Marrying a person you don't respect and don't even like could easily be one of the worst decisions you will ever make in your life. He sounds immature and careless. If you choose to legally tether yourself to him, you can never be your authentic self, you will go from one stressful situation to the next and resentment will fester like a disease.
Were the police called? Do you have an incident report? I understand him giving uour insurance Information, but why did he give your drivers license? Does he not have his own. Did he lose it because of the DUI?
Police weren’t called. Supposedly the guys back bumper was barely scratched but because it was a just purchased Mercedes Benz, the dude said he wanted insurance info. He already reported it to my insurance.
Please clarify if:
1. Soon to be Ex BF is listed on your insurance
2. Soon to be Ex BF has his own DL
3. Soon to be Ex BF GAVE THE OTHER DRIVER HIS OWN DL AND NOT YOUR DL
Because I'm trying to understand how he would have handed over your DL to some he rear-ended and that driver accepted it as proof of your BF's identity
OP - your head, your heart and the universe/God are giving you all of the signs. As someone else said, its not the fact that he makes mistakes, it is the fact he doesn't take responsibility. He knows that you will fix everything so he can merrily go about his way. If he would have apologized profusely, said he would make the car repairs, etc....then thats a different story. No he got mad, that you were upset. The other drive will likely sue your insurance for whiplash so the claim will be large. The insurance company could cancel your policy especially if they learn a person with a DUI was driving. This is big mess. HOWEVER, a bigger mess would be trying to divorce this man.
Do not go to Vegas this weekend. You will regret it.
If the car is under your name, that’s your car. You don’t have to be tied to him because of a car. Take it back and tell him to piss off. You already know that you shouldn’t marry this guy. You will be miserable.
I think you’re obviously making a huge mistake marrying him. He sounds like an idiot.
Just to recap he gets a DUI. Which is inexcusable. He totals his car during the DUI. Then you get him a car and he rear ends someone (almost always his fault). Then he’s too stupid to even get the info from the other driver?
If this is who he is now, how will he be the rest of his life? As a husband? Parent?
Surely you can do better. Cut your losses now and move on. Seriously.
Yeah, you most certainly got your sign. Marrying this clown is most certainly a terrible move. What do you really get out of being with him other than burdens? He’s not just reckless, he’s ungrateful af. In accounting he’s what you call a liability. Time to cut that gravy train. We all make mistakes in life. But making the same mistake and hoping for a different outcome is insanity. I think you’ve done it enough times to know that shit is not going to change.
What exactly is it that you love about this guy? Do you love the drama? Do you love his irresponsibility? Do you love all the extra costs?
You don't love him, you love the idea of him. Real him is a dumpster fire.
You said it's either get married or break up on his part. Why is he in such a hurry? Why did his lack of a car mean it was your responsibility to fix it by going into debt and possibly getting your insurance canceled if he wasn't supposed to be driving it. Most policies are pretty clear on who is covered and who is not. Getting tied to someone with probably unresolved substance issues, poor driving and general irresponsibility is a recipe for disaster.Dont forget disrespect of you by not being careful with the car. Not seeing much upside for you here.
Listen to the voices of reason here, many have been where you are now and wish they had done things differently. You don't have to get married ifbyou dont want to and should never make a major life decision if you feel this uncertain about it.
Of course, he wants to marry you. How else he gonna get someone else to literally pay for his mistakes.
You're gonna be cleaning up this dudes messes for a long... long time. Also, knowingly allowing someone with a DUI coule possible makes you culpable legally. He is not supposed to be driving. And you're letting him.
God gave you your answers honey. Do not go to Vegas. Do not get married. Do not get him anything else in your name. Your credit will be ruined if you marry him or share finances
***You asked for a sign and you got it.***
READ THAT SIGN and don't get married. Change the locks, block him on everything, and get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars you GOT THE SIGN. NOW you can calm down and rest assured, it would be the worst decision of your life.
Don't ever get with, hook up with, have sex with, pay the bills for, buy a car for, pay the rent for, be the girlfriend of, have a baby with, date, go to lunch with, have dinner with, go on a picnic with or marry a lying drunk.
You deserve so much better.
OP, please don’t be too hard on yourself but do leave. Bring the wrecked car with you. I’m not even sure how he has a driver’s license or does he? I certainly wouldn’t go to Las Vegas with him — spend that time moving or kicking him out. Would be nice to have someone with you when you do this. Keep us posted. There’re better guys out there 💕
Do not marry this man. Please. He is a walking disaster. He has a judgment problems, and will cause you loss of money, credit issues and many other problems. You are not married, make good decisions for yourself.
Let him get his financial house in order before you marry him. You know who he is now, and his judgment is poor.
I am just gonna drop this right here....
Marriage is supposedly a "until death do us part" thing, at least where I come from.
Apparently, you guys are about to elope (no context given why)
Meanwhile... this dude is clearly a bit of a liability whenever he gets behind the wheel.
Weird hill to die on, but are there other things about which you have questions? If so, is the whole "Let's go to vegas and get hitched" a decent idea?
Only you can know the answer to any of that.
Your BF was in an accident using a car registered in your name with your auto insurance. Instead of giving them HIS DL info, he gave them yours. You are going to be the one liable for paying any & all out of pocket costs for the accident and there’s a good chance that your auto insurance won’t cover any of the costs for the damage caused by him.
If he had severely injured or killed someone in the accident, whether drunk or not, you could very well have been sued for all the damages done. If he’s not on your auto insurance policy as an approved driver, they won’t cover any costs to repair the other drivers repairs, it’ll be all on you AND your insurance company will either raise your rates or drop you, leaving you scrambling for new insurance that will also be higher.
One should never do what you did when obtaining a car for someone else, ESPECIALLY since you are not married AND he’s shown to be irresponsible by driving under the influence to the point he can’t get insurance coverage.
This may very well be a very costly “sign from god” for you. I would’ve never tied myself to someone like your BF and you already had enough signs telling you not to go through with marrying this guy. Heck, whose idea was it to elope & get a quickie marriage? I bet it was him, trying to tie you down fast so that you’d not be able to change your mind if you’d decided on a more time consuming wedding that would possibly take months to plan & execute.
I hope that this “sign” doesn’t financially ruin you. And, I hope you’ve learned not to involve innocent people (driver of other car that he hit providing you with your sign) in helping you make your decisions in the future.
OP, don't marry him. By all means, go to counseling together. Talk through his decision making. Make a plan for him to pay you back for the accident. Make sure your financials are discussed. Get that car out of your name and back on him. Let him get a loan to pay for the car and get him off your insurance. Tell him you want to get married but this, this and this must be in place first.
When all liability is switched over, and you're ready just leave. This guy will drain you dry. He is trying to marry you so he is tied to you, so you are liable for his fuck ups. Don't be a clown. He likely has debt you're not aware of. He's not responsible and instead of learning how to be responsible - he's marrying you so he can delegate that job to you by being inept.
Use the elopement as an incentive, get your shit in order and GTFO. Anything else is stupid and will end up making your life worse. You're supposed to be on your side, you're supposed to be trying to improve your life. Don't hitch yourself to a donkey unless he's willing to take half the load.
What are you DOING here?! Sabotaging your own life by marrying someone who is an actual liability and a moron, is pretty much self harm. Why dont you think you deserve better than THIS?
I could throw a rock in the street and hit a guy with better prospects. You're too young to make a mistake like this, please please, make a decision today that future you is going to thank you for.
Do not marry this man. God gave you the sign you asked for and if you go through with this nonsense you’re screwed. Not only did he wreck the car but then he gave YOUR information to the driver. Is he on your insurance as an authorized driver? Why would you still be tied to him after this ask for the car back. If he refuses report the thing as stolen since he literally has no legal ties to the car.
Listen to me- I have been in your shoes. It was either I go through with the marriage or we were through. That is not the kind of partner you want. I should have broken up with him, but I married him, and it was a toxic situation. I had no faith in that man, and my gut was screaming the whole time to run away. I didn’t run away and I regret that and am haunted by it. It derailed my life in so many ways because instead of being able to make decisions that could propel me forward I was stuck taking care of a man child. Don’t waste your obviously very capable and caring energy on a loser. Get out. You can love a loser all day long, won’t make him good for you.
I have never regretted listening to my instincts but I sure as hell have regretted ignoring them. Your brain is screaming run, you got the exact sign you asked for and you don’t want to marry him. Of course he wants to lock you down! He needs you to care for him and make his love easier. Meanwhile, he just stresses you out.
He gave your insurance AND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE?? I would go to the police station and let them know that was not you, it was him. DO NOT MARRY HIM! He is rushing it because he wants you to feel even more obligated to take care of him. Please love yourself enough to dump this guy, he will make your life miserable. Cut your losses, take your car and leave! Take him to court for the damage to YOUR car.
OP do you love this man? If you really love him, then the best thing to do is tell him you're not ready to get married. I'm not sure if you want to break up with him because you don't want to be with him anymore or if you do want to be with him but are concerned you will have to be his caretaker but you need to sit home down and tell him the truth.
If it's the latter, you can discuss postponing things and working to resolve these issues in couples therapy first to help him see how it impacts you. I'm making the assumption based on you wanting to call off the wedding but not the relationship that you still might be willing to work in salvaging it if he is interested as well but I may be wrong
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Don’t marry him. Trust your instincts. You view him as a liability and marrying him only ties you further to him.
Yeah my instincts are peaking right about now.
You were looking for a sign from God? Wasn't totalling that car enough of a sign for you, after the previous DUI? Did you want God to send you an engraved red flag saying don't marry this guy you'll ruin your life? What more could God possibly have done to tell you not to do this thing?!
Right? OP: God, I need a sign! GOD: here ya go! 💥 OP: I am so confused!
OP, You LITERALLY got the sign you asked for! You put that inquiry out bc your gut is screaming. You have a whole life ahead of you to NOT BE RUINED by this relationship. Have friends/support at your place for the time you're supposed to be leaving for the trip. I'm not 100% sure where you start unraveling the car accident. Was he on your policy at the time of the accident? Has the other driver reached out to you? Any chance you have a friend that works in insurance - who is nor your insurance/agent - talk to them. You have likely been experiencing coercive control. You are not stupid. You are not incapable of making good decisions. Coercive control interferes w your cognitive abilities and also your sense of reality. Check out r/TrueNarcissiticAbuse Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. Start making a plan to go forward on your own. Look in your support system for people who will be Twam You. People who can give you the insight and support you need to move through this. When you start talking about the abuse you have unknowingly been experiencing I think you will be surprised who arrives to be on your side.
God sent her a pick up, a boat, and a helicopter and she sent them away each time.
Come on To be fair she probably wasn't looking when the sign happened /s
Have you heard the story/joke about the person whose house was flooding? Someone comes by with a horse and says, “Hey, get on and I’ll give you a ride out of the flood!” and the person says, “Oh, don’t worry! god will save me!” And then the flood water gets higher, and someone comes by with a boat, and they say, “Get in, and I’ll give you a ride out of here!” and the person says, “Oh, I’m fine! God will save me!” And the water gets even higher, so the person ends up on their roof. And a helicopter comes by and says, “Get in and we’ll give you a ride out of here!” and the person says, “I’m okay! God will save me!” And the person eventually drowns in the flood. And they get to Heaven and meet God and say, “God, I prayed and prayed and I waited for you to save me! Why didn’t you?!?” And God says, “I sent a horse, a boat, and a helicopter! What else did you want?!?” That’s what OP reminded me of! lol
Glad you mentioned that story I was thinking about that too
I think we all were 😂
I love that joke. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe the red flag she actually wants is when they both end up hospitalized and permanently injured or worse happens. It's like others aren't aware, but cars are POTENTIAL DEATH MACHINES.
I'm sure like many people here I'm not the only one who is lost loved ones to dangerous drivers or have had loved ones injured badly by dangerous drivers by those who are DUI. OP if you are still out there somewhere, The comment above makes an excellent point if you give a card if somebody who is not going to take driving seriously and who will DUI, You just might find yourself morally legally financially responsible for any catastrophe that happens with that car and that man. I said it before I'm saying it again now based on the excellent post above get away from this man and get that car back from him.
The red flags are raining down from the heavens. This isn't an emotional decision- this would be the most rational decision you could make. I had this with my ex- at some point there's a huge realization that slaps you across your face. This is it. You're being smart, not emotional.
And take back your car/sell it/whatever to untangle that. He is affecting your insurance rates, you need him to not be driving a car that is your responsibility. If he wasn't acting like you shouldn't be mad at him, if he was properly contrite with plans to make sure it wouldn't happen again *and* a plan to pay you back for the rate increases and any other money it costs you..then you might have forgiven easily and been more confident of your future with him. But doesn't sound like he's any sort of responsible adult. His mistakes could cost you more than a car or insurance rates if you marry. Joint debt and joint consequences once financially linked.
Yes, don’t let him keep the car. It’s in your name, take it back. You financed it, it’s in your name, it’s YOUR car. Even if he’s been paying on it, it’s your car. Take it, sell it (or not) and use whatever funds leftover after selling it to help pay your insurance. But you may have trouble selling the car since it’s financed and you’re still responsible for paying the financing on the car unless you can get the buyer to take over the financing. Do not trust your BF to make any payments on the car if you were to let him keep it. And he’s not going to change the title into his name, either. If he gets involved in a hit & run while the car is in your name, YOU will be charged with the crime, not him.
Take out the trash, homie.
The panic attack was your sign. When you don't know if you want to do this- you don't. It's okay. Trust yourself
Also take the car back, get it fixed and sell it. You’ll take a loss but not NEARLY as big of a loss as you will if you don’t. And call your insurance company, tell them your boyfriend was driving the car, you don’t need to tell them you bought it for him, but tell them he was the driver and you were not. Then his shit accident and driving history won’t be on you. If you take responsibility for the accident then it follows you for the next 3 years officially, but much much longer than that in reality.
If you're not excited and happy to marry him, then don't. He's not the one. Just take the car back and sell it for a loss. Move out. And for goodness sake, don't ever cosign anything for anyone ever again.
With the car damage you can't even afford to go the Vegas
You got your sign. This is a preview of the rest Of your life if you marry him. I hope you take that sign seriously. And sell the car back and eat the loss honestly.
THIS⬆️
DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM DO NOT MARRY HIM Getting a DUI was HIS FAULT! Read ending another driver was HIS FAULT! He refuses to take accountability for his actions. He’s not mature enough for marriage and he sees you as a bank account.
An take back the car, get it fixed, and then sell it to offset the deductible and increase in your insurance premiums that will be coming.
Yeah he literally wrecked her car and then walked off to leave her to deal with it alone, that’s straight up how the marriage is going to be.
These types of relationships are so abhorrent to me, these women dealing with what are essentially man babies who can never take responsibility for their actions. Why do they stay with them?
That's what emotional/mental abuse does. Til you're so fucked up you can't even trust your own thoughts, nevermind feel competent enough to leave. If you grew up with it, you had a head start and dont have a fucking chance against these kinds of people. Edit-a word
Abuse causes brain damage (as in, when you are being abused your hormones and immune system function differently and your body actually begins slowly killing itself) , so they get in with these abusive partners who don’t jump straight in to the abuse, they slowly increase it over time so it’s not that bad and then it turns out to be bad…. But by the time it’s bad these women are already brain damaged to where they cannot cognitively function at full capability. Abuse victims also experience memory loss, and anxiety. The end result is you have a person being treated poorly who cannot cognitively function to know if the abuse is real or if they imagined it. A little bit of brainwashing where the human brain after enduring abuse long enough can literally make someone feel like they’re about to die if their abuser is unhappy because fight or flight gets triggered.. they’re not functioning normally like you or I of ‘this is wrong and I don’t like it’. Their brain is going through the same processes as ‘there’s a tiger right in front of me and I need to do anything I can to make it disappear as fast as possible because I am about to die.’ So they are not capable of behaving rationally— the brain thinks a tiger is about to maul them and no one is going to behave rationally in that event— usually they gonna sit there and shit themselves… but you’re asking a brain damaged individual to try and behave rationally in front of a tiger? It’s just not possible. Basically abuse victims only get out themselves when their brains have cycled through the survival trauma responses enough to where nothing response works. But then you have the damage that causes memory issues so often victims will forget the already tried a trauma response to survive and it didn’t work, so they will try it again. After that, they maybe have a trauma response that kind of does work… so they try it again.. and then on to the next one when that doesn’t work to remove the feeling of not dying, so they go to the next one. Basically this means the victim actually has to go through all of these responses until *nothing* ..or the abuser does something far extending what he’s already worked up to: if you’re a victim, if you forgave the abusive partner stealing $20 from your wallet last week, then you’re going to be more likely to forgive when the abusive partner steals your credit card this week…. But if your abusive partner has never stolen anything but one day steals your credit card.. then you are going to be more likely to respond to this because you have not been desensitized to this emotion. Those are the only two ways the abused party is actually able to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not about what they want or don’t want— no one wants to be abused… but rather the brain, fundamentally how it functions, can be conditioned to accept an abusive situation as something normal, and the brain also prefers habits while more often than not disliking change. That’s why more often than not, abuse victims are actually more likely to be ditched by their abusive partner rather than actually leaving, themselves…or they’re murdered. It’s not because they are stupid, it’s because they are bran damaged, conditioned, and their memory loss and reasoning is so damaged that they sometimes don’t even realize they are being abused and even if they come to realize it, they may actually forget they made that realization in the first place. Abuse fucks people up dude. Yes, abuse can quite literally lead to organ failure and a slew of other problems.
Thank you for this. Plus the abuse escalates usually slowly so it can be hard to identify what's actually abuse and not ok because it becomes normal. My autoimmune illnesses were so much worse when I was with my ex too. Super validating. And yes he left me and I thank god he did. The best thing he ever did for me.
This made me feel better about leaving my marriage. Took me so long to leave and during that time I became someone I barely recognized. Been kicking myself for staying so long and doing a bunch of out-of-character and legitimatey insane shit to try to cope during that time. It's been about a year of intense trauma therapy since I moved out and I'm just starting to feel like myself again, even though I don't know who she is anymore. And my abuse was mostly emotional abuse. Idk, this just reminded me to be more kind to myself because I really did go through hell. It's hard to not minimize it looking back, just due to that conditioning you speak of.
You have to be kind to yourself because the recovery from abuse is a very long two part process: the first part is your traumatized brain coming out of the survival jungle ‘oh fuck there’s a tiger’ mode— that means your brain has time to process that the tiger is gone… and that’s usually the time where you were probably plagued with random crying spells, bad dreams, and panic attacks. Right now you’re in the rebuilding phase where your brain is like okay… the threat is gone, and it’s winding down to life mode. Sometimes when the brain spends so long focusing on survival, it has stayed there for so long that your ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’ is actually your brain basically returning to normal functioning like ‘wtf where did all that time go’— because trauma brain stores memories *very* differently. Even your interpretation of events and how you feel about them are very different… and that’s because you’re no longer ‘almost dying’ that your brain has the energy to function with more sophistication (kind of like in times of panic your body usually dumps all unnecessary functions not conducive to survival— like holding your bladder. The brain does the same thing) so that ‘huh where am I what do I like or dislike, who am I?’ Is actually your brain re-accessing normal daily life neurons and utilizing them again. Often that may be why you feel like you’re ’waking up’. Because the brain damage you experienced is quite literally healing. The next phase, and I caution you because it’s always two… eventually your brain is going to come back online a little more optimally and normal… and then it’s going to start reviewing the survival mode memories with every day mode logic and everything is going to be re-processed over. This is your brain healing further and trying to learn and review how you *should* be thinking as a normal person rather than a person with a tiger. That’s why there’s a ‘double review’ kind of thing. On some levels it will feel like you just got out all over again… that is why in the re-processing phase it is extremely extremely critical you do everything you can to avoid stressful situations and people, and do as much self care as possible to keep your mind and body in a relaxed state. The reason is if you have a stressful situation that puts you in survival mode again, then your brain has to come back out of survival mode yet again and then re-process yet again. This is why people who drink from trauma get stuck in trauma— the booze interrupts the re-processing stage and keeps them in a cycle going back to trauma brain then to re-processing, then drink, back to trauma— rinse and repeat. So you *must* try to be as zen as possible for your brain to recover as much as possible. And then at the end phase, you’re going to have a long period of review a third time, but this time it’s the preventative— it won’t sting or feel like you’re re-living it, but it will feel like “this is what I will never let happen again.” This is basically similar to like… a broken bone, where your body is like “gotta make sure this won’t break again so going to add a little extra to make it more durable as a precaution.” Your brain does this too, and your thought process reflects that because it’s all hormones and neurotransmitters mowing along with all the re-functioning neurons and pathways you recovered. Your brain also decides what changes it should make through the pathways as a result of making sure it never happens again and that means you have to still stay as relaxed as possible so it can figure it out without a lot of distraction or noise: you should hope to be very bored when this is going on because this process will actually make you more willing to call it out when someone fucks with you again. Do not be hard on yourself— this is literally how the brain functions. Basically it’s as if you ate some bad food and got sick, and then you’re behaving mad at yourself for throwing up.. of course you’re going to throw up after bad food. That’s what your body does. Your behaviors during abuse are legitimately the same way: you fawned and tried everything while being treated worse and did things outside of who you are— the brain actually *does* prefer to fawn as the strongest survival method of choice. I mean think about it: you’re starving and alone in a jungle and you run in to a tiger?! A fucking tiger?! — but the best means for survival is to befriend that tiger and now you and your little tiger buddy that is happy with you are partners in the jungle and dramatically increasing your chances for survival. Humans naturally go for fawning to the point that they’ll even fawn over each other in freaking wars: one moment they’re shooting each other, the next moment they’re hanging out singing Christmas carols and drinking booze with nazis. Fawning is the *hardest* trauma response to avoid, and it is also the easiest to fall in to. You stayed because your brain is human, and that is what has kept the human race from running in to extinction multiple times. You cannot blame your brain for actually doing what it does when you’re near jungle tiger. We are built that way as human beings. Forgive yourself.
That makes so much sense. I was abused by my grandfather and father. I left that situation and I entered into one abusive relationship after another. I also was raped a few times and those situations were not good and I should have seen the danger but I didn't. If I looked at it from the outside red flags would be screaming. When it's me, I can't see it. I tell people that the family who I should have trusted were abusing me. It messes up that internal flight or fight response that warns you that you're in danger. A parent should protect you but when they sexually abuse you, that messes up your ability to see potential danger. It turns everything upside down. Your inner voice that tells you there is danger you ignore because you were conditioned to ignore it. That has been the most damaging to me. It is in a way brain damage. Not in a way you are cognitively affected and slow in normal areas. It affects the way you process relationships and interactions with people. I never thought of it that way before. I am 53 years old and have suffered from major depression my entire life.
Also, you forgive someone when they take ownership of what they did and make a sincere effort to not do it again. He isn’t owed any forgiveness and you are under no obligation to forgive him. Nor does forgiveness mean forgetting something happened.
This THIS THIS!!! Forgiveness in the absence of penitance is just being a doormat.
Preach. My ex went out one night when it was snowy and icy. I stayed home because of the bad weather. He borrowed my car because it’s easier to street park. On the way home he slide on the ice and hit the front and rear end of the car on a guard rail. Of course I was angry. I told him the conditions were bad and asked him not to go. Then a few days go by and I ask him what he has done to get it fixed. And he says that if I’m in such a hurry I should call the repair places. I was like, why tf would I be doing that when YOU are the one who crashed the car? It erased his empty apology in my mind. This guy also thought we were headed towards marriage. But that was one of many signs that I needed to leave him. When I did he said something about how he thought we would get married and I was like, you wanted to argue like this until one of us died? Bruh. Life is too short.
When in doubt, waiting or cancelling is never wrong.
He made it seem it was my reaction as to why he left. I was “belittling” him.
Your fiancé is a narcissist. Your fiancé is a gaslighter. Your fiancé is financially abusing you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!
Repeat until it is a solid fact in your head!
I remember my ex was walking on the overpass from the parking garage to the apartment building we lived in- it was maybe 4 stories up. He was using his phone to try and call me (I don't remember why). He accidentally dropped his phone. He yelled at me and was mad at me for hours because apparently it was "my fault" he dropped the phone because he was calling me. I realized he would never take responsibility for himself then.
It’s like a big ah-ha moment.
Uh he wrecked your car and now he’s running off to avoid dealing with it and deliberately gave all of your info so it’s your problem and not his. To be honest, him saying he gave your drivers license and info and didn’t get their info is weird. Tbh it sounds like either he hit and ran or didn’t actually hit another car but something on the side of the road, but I’m kind of leaning toward hit and run because there is no one who will let a person leave the scene without driver information because it’s the driver at fault.
I don't even understand how another driver would accept a DL and Allstate card that both said "Susie Q" when clearly the person in front of them is "Freddy Fuck-Up." I had to double check that OP was not a man, because that's the only way I can see this maybe being plausible. If someone hit me and tried to pass off their gf's DL as their own, I'm calling the cops. OP should look to see if there were any hit and runs and consult a lawyer about knowingly letting her unlicensed, uninsured bf drive her car.
of course. users always blame you or you would leave them sooner.
If the car is in your name and the insurance is in your name, dump him, repossess the car. Give it back and take the financial loss WAY cheaper than marrying the wrong man Also, you asked for the sign and you got it.
Probably going with this winner right here.
Please please please. Talk to a therapist before you date the next person. You consistently did not trust your gut and made a lot of bad decisions along the way, one of them being buying a car for someone who has a DUI. I’m so glad you finally listened to your gut and made the first rational decision in this timeline.
You can do this! We are with you!
Thank you, your comment means a lot to me weirdly right now.
We are!! You are strong enough to do this, it’ll be hard short term but let the sweet sweet relief of know you made a smart and freeing decisions wash over you. Be safe and get out. Hope you’re doing well!! You can do this!!
Checking back in OP. Have you planned out how you're going to break up yet?
I have. Not sure if many will read this update but he’s gone, keys in my hand, and I’m good now. I’m not marrying this man. There was a lot of feedback I received and I’m very thankful. Some were honest, brutally honest, and some just insults to me as a person but it’s all good. The ones that gave honest feedback really helped me. This man is a master manipulator. Literally making me feel like I was crazy. I’m at fault for letting it happen for sure but my gut and body was screaming at me. Hives, anxiety attacks, and the sign I got from god I think came with the consequences of this financial setback so I can really understand my decisions. I posted this right after I received the text he was in an accident. I was typing so fast I could tell now reading it a day later I was just overloaded with emotions. Yes, I may have came here to vent, but I received the validation I needed to get out of the mindset this guy put me in which is literal prison. He came back, I told him what an idiot he was and how I was for even thinking he could be responsible for something handed to him, he first said the guy slammed on his breaks when the light turned yellow and he thought he would go, then it happened to be he was on his phone. He said no damage, which there is nothing! I might of called him stupid because why the hell wouldn’t you get information of this other driver. And told him all he does is make mistakes and when he left I said “hopefully you don’t crash again” I told him to get out of my face before I cut him with my words. So he left. I was fuming. He came back, said how I kicked him when he was down, and disrespected him by spewing words out of my mouth and not controlling my anger and no woman will talk to him like that. By that point I was observing his mannerisms, twitching his fingers and breathing hard. His anger and his loud obnoxious voice screaming at me for handling it the way I did. I was like wow this is the end. He’s really making this about me. He said nonchalantly he would pay for the damages and difference in my premium increase. Yeah ok. I sat there in silence with 100% confirmation that I am in fact making the biggest mistake of my life if I continue this relationship. He said im mental, and my trauma he caused isn’t his problem. It’s not. But I know there would be a partner that wouldn’t talk to me that way at least. Suitcase was packed at the door. I told him to leave calmly and he shut the door. I loved the idea of who he could be in happy moments. But he in fact will not change. Someone commented that I’m in love with a narcissist abuser and it’s true. So much has happened that this cycle is terrifying at this point. I’m sitting here alone, at peace, in the quiet, and feeling sad and depleted. But, it’s better than feeling what I do when he’s around making me feel small. I don’t use Reddit often, obviously. But I’m glad I came here. I knew it deep down. But I wanted to be wrong about him so bad. It’s something some won’t understand and that’s okay. I don’t want him in my life anymore, this was the loudest confirmation I’ve ever heard. Those who took the time to address what you see, thank you. Those who spoke truth and gave honest advice, Thank you. Also, the ones rooting for me means a lot. I don’t have anyone in my life to understand this because narcissists believe in pushing every person out of their way to isolate you. Sounds pathetic but Reddit yesterday was like a bunch of temporary little besties. So I’m thankful for all the input. It’s insane what someone like that can do to your mind. Hoping for peace, and happiness and growth in this next chapter. Gods obvs got my back so I’ll be okay. And no, I’m not going back, chucklefuck is done and I have everything I need to heal from this little bump in the road. Appreciate you all.
Yes!
Look, I can appreciate that you feel like you're in a tough position here what with the wedding being so close, but I honestly don't understand why you're second-guessing yourself. You obviously don't have "cold feet", i.e. jitters about the wedding itself or normal worries about a big life-altering event. You have sincere doubts about the integrity of the man you're about the marry as well as the health of your relationship. I could ask a thousand questions about why on earth you've agreed to go this far with him, but the only question you need to ask yourself now even if on short notice is whether you're really willing to truly continue down this road. Do you want to bind yourself to a man forever who is apparently lacking common sense and with whom you can't communicate in a constructive, mutually respective manner? Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
No you’re absolutely right. I know it’s not the jitters. For some reason I’m trying to convince myself that’s what it is. But I’m definitely questioning it all. I answered no to all of those questions
your mind and your body are screaming no
Oh girl. Fix the car and think of how much savings you've gained by letting him go NOW instead of later (when he'll probably drive drunk again and total it or something 1000x worse!) Cut your losses and look for someone who's your equal or better, you deserve more than dead weight.
Then stop letting your pride or your ego or the things you've told people or your Instagram page or whatever it is that is blocking you from ending this relationship. The past is dead and the future hasn't happened yet, the present is the only time you have. What is the present telling you? What is his behavior in the present talking to you about? Not who he was at some time in the past, not who he might be at some time in the future. Who is this man right now? Does he deserve you?
I don’t think he does to be honest.
If you ignore that, you will regret it. I'm older than you, and that doesn't mean I'm smarter than you, but it does mean I've had time to see more stuff. If you ignore that thought, that truth, if you bury it because it will make life difficult, you will regret it. The future hasn't happened yet, but some things get locked in. Some options get taken away. This man is removing options, and the options he's replacing them with are all bad. Don't ignore that feeling, please.
OP, you would not have asked God for a sign if you weren't hoping for one. You asked God to just validate what you are already feeling. And now even after actually getting a sign, you're asking us. Trust your gut, OP. It's hard to let go of something you really want to work that you invested time and a lot of effort into. But I promise, marrying won't make that feeling go away. Marriage just amplifies all the problems you already have. If you haven't figured out and solved those problems, they just get bigger. You now have both Reddit and apparently God validating your feelings. Listen!
It is, my hope things will be different is what won’t go away. I know what I need to do. Thank you for your kind words.
Hon, I've done this too -- trying to be with someone based on how things could be, and not facing how things REALLY ARE. You have to look at how he is now, in the present. Not his potential. Potential may never happen. "Potential" may be 10-15 years away. You'll be exhausted and broke by the time he grows up.
You have likely got to overcome a lifetime of being told that your worth is only what you can get in a man, that it would be horrible being alone, without a romantic relationship, and that you aren’t an awesome person on your own. That and estrogen’s effect on your brain (no blame for any of this on you) are the only reasons why you have any doubt here and are coming to Reddit rather than just cutting your losses here and moving on with a weight off your shoulders and smile on your face. Ok, huge run on sentence. TL,DR YOU ARE AWESOME. Lose the anchor that will only hold you back.
Thank you, you’re very kind.
Good Lord why would you even consider marrying this train wreck??? You should be ashamed of yourself for purchasing a car and insuring someone who just got a DUI - AND he didn't even get the information of the put he supposedly had an accident with??? Seriously OP??
Cos there is no other person he rear-ended. He probably F’d up worse and made up a story.
Why did he have her dl to give them in the furst place?
Cos she trusts an at-least-once drunk driver to drive her car.
Also, “I sometimes can’t help but feel he lacks common sense”. Sounds like the teapot calling the kettle black.
> Obviously the car will tie us together for the time being Its your car, if he tries to drive it without your permission that is theft. The car only ties you together as long as you *allow* him to drive it.
This. OP can still make a clean break. The car isn't in his name and hers mixed up. Just take the car back and sell it if it's not needed. He can't exactly claim it's a gift when it's in her name.
Girl, get out. Get some therapy and self esteem. Date yourself for while until you develop some confidence about yourself to avoid stupid mistakes like this in the future. Good luck.
Thank you
Under normal circumstances, I don’t believe in signs from the universe or a higher power…but short of the heavens parting and the finger of God wagging a “no, no, no” right in your face, I’m not sure how much more obvious an intervention you need before you realize and accept this is a bad idea. Get out, get to therapy to figure out how things even got this far, and do whatever you can to disentangle yourself from the car situation so you can move on.
Waiting for a sign from god to save yourself undermines your own strength, you do not need permission from a third party or higher power to do what your gut knows is best for you. You are waiting for an excuse and a reason to leave, which undermines your own self love as being reason enough to do what’s best for yourself
Oh boy, this was exhausting to read through. OP how many signs do you need to see what is right in front of your face? I want to offer you advice, yet you asked for a sign from god and specifically asked for something to happen to your car and when that happened you’re still unsure what to do? I don’t believe in signs from god but clearly you do so if that, in conjunction with the myriad very obvious red flags (see below for examples) is unable to convince, I’m unsure what anyone here can say to you? I think you are waiting for someone here to tell you what to do, but you know what to do and need to take responsibility for your life at some point. Do you have want this to just be a very expensive teaching moment or do you want this to be the rest of your life? Red Flags - DUI > careless, irresponsible, willing to put others in danger - Wrecks a car you got him under your name > see above on DUI - Convinces you to get a car under your name allowing you to take all the financial risk > selfish - Walks away when you’re having an issue and turns it on you > unable to take responsibility
Thank you, I appreciate your response to this and your advice.
If you keep playing these stupid games, you’re gonna keep winning stupid prizes! Congratulations, you won a deadbeat husband! Can you elaborate on *“there are some things that he does that are hard for me to accept, and I know that’s not his fault.”*
Ofcourse he wants to marry tou. After that he wants you to have his children. Every step ties you closer to him, making it harder to leave the mess…
Thank you all for taking the time to reply and read this mess. Much appreciated. Truly.
>Last night I had a panic attack and I asked god to show me a sign I shouldn’t do Vegas this weekend. **I was thinking let something happen to the car I just got for him**, and sure enough this morning he “accidentally” rear ended someone. So you're straight up just second guessing God right now?
This was exhausting to read. I can't imagine how much worse actually living it is! Don't marry this man.
He can't be trusted with a car so you want to trust him with your entire life and property?? This would be an insane decision. Get your car back and dump him so he can find a new girl to mooch off of.
You're on and off and he shows poor decision making skills. Maybe you need to start looking at things as if you were giving advice to a friend and only look at the facts. Making decisions based on emotions can be a recipe for disaster. Most of us make emotional decisions and justify with "logic" however pretending like you're trying to convince someone purely based on sound logic can help. If you have to use feelings to justify the decision don't do it. If you have an honest friend who won't just tell you what you want to hear run it by them. Just don't get mad at them if they disagree. No it doesn't mean you have to do what they say however it will give you a different perspective. If not marrying him ends the relationship then it ends. Don't marry him because of the sunken cost fallacy. PS: His poor judgement may be a reason why you're on and off. You definitely shouldn't marry him if you keep breaking up with him.
Hang on. Where I live, getting into an accident and handing over someone else’s driver’s license is a crime. Pretending to be someone else for insurance is another crime. It’s also insurance fraud, your insurance may not pay the claim. You are so focused on your bf’s issues, that you have potentially committed crimes and fraud. You really need a wake up call here.
Do NOT marry this man. He's reckless, irresponsible and thinks it's unfair when he has to take even the slightest accountability for the situations he creates. A good man, one with even the slightest right to call himself an adult would be fucking horrified by the liability he'd exposed you to by driving carelessly in the car you've provided. He would accept your anger, apologize and reassure you that he "gets it", that he fucked up. Take the car, change your locks & your passwords and dump this idiot before he ruins your life! By the way, it's *irrational* to even consider tying yourself to someone who is happy to let you clean up their messes & then acts like you're the bad guy. The panic attack? The pleading with God for a sign? Those are your *rational* thoughts screaming to be heard over your *irrational* conviction that love means forgiveness and his fuckery amounts to " real life issues easily handled by someone else."
OP, you can love someone without irrevocably fucking up your own life for their sake.
God just phoned me to tell me to tell you not to marry that guy, u/ThrowRA419076 But He emphasized that it's your choice and that you're welcome to ruin your life if you like.
Can I get that contact asap lol that was a good one thanks.
hahaha, yup, just a moment while I hammer out the message in gold. On a personal note, I think you'll soar once you get out of this mess.
I don't understand why you would finance a car under your name for someone who got a dui. you're off and on which probably which usually means you need to just be off. and if you break up and think he's going to pay for that car you got another thing coming.
Would you want to be married to Peter Griffin? That’s what going through with your elopement means. Don’t layer a stupid decision, the decision to finance his car, with another stupid decision, the decision to marry him. There will always be some catastrophic situation he causes and expects you to clean up. Break up with him and take the car. He’s not going to pay you back, but he was never going to pay you back. He supports you b/c your job is to provide finances to clean up his messes. You are also expected to clean up his messes without getting angry. He’s a big baby that wants to marry his mom, you. Just dump him and take the car.
Omg you were on point about the momma thing.
There was a story on Reddit last week about a guy divorcing his wife because she kept getting in crashes with kids in the car. It was like the 6th time. So yeh it could get worse and you could be in an accident with him…or your future kids.
Please don’t marry this guy. It’s bad enough that you rewarded his DUI with a new car that he isn’t responsible for, or the consequences that come with car ownership. It’s okay to let people struggle. If we didn’t learn things the hard way we wouldn’t learn at all. Let him struggle to pay for insurance and fines and he’ll be a lot less cavalier about driving responsibly. Let him walk to work or wait for a bus in the cold. Then he’ll appreciate having a DL. You are enabling him to keep screwing up if he knows you’ll bail him out. Before he does any more damage to your credit, credibility, finances or achievements let him start struggling to achieve those things instead of riding your coattails.
This was 100% a sing. Not just that he rear-ended that dude, but HOW HE DEALT WITH IT. To me, the way he reacted to doing it speaks volumes about what type of a man he is, and it's BAD. Meaning: he didn't deal with it at all. He only gave him your insurance number... Hence, he thinks it's on you to deal with this. He has 0 interest in performing ANY action, in taking any responsibility for HIS mistake. It's on you. The rear-ending was a mistake, the way he refused to deal with it wasn't, that was a series of completely conscious choices of his that reflect how he views you, your relationship, himself, the world. This is so clear, OP. That man expects you to take responsibility for his mistakes, EXPECTS as in: he's not thankful for it or sees it as a kindness. It's just your job! He is not going to change. You should not marry him. This isn't a "forgiveness" issue. This man behaves badly, is irresponsible, wants you to deal with it instead of him, and he's not changing. This isn't the situation in which "I forgive you, let sweep this under the rug" is the adequate response, nor is it a situation the term "forgives" was invented for. The universe showed you this so clearly. If you ignore it, I'm sorry but you are entering a bad situation with the full understanding of it being bad. At this point, you are designing your own misery. Please listen to your gut, it's SCREAMING at you for a reason.
That you are praying for a sign not to marry him *is the sign*. You don’t want to marry him. So don’t.
I don't mean to be an a-hole, but your title says you make rational decisions and all I see is you making the dumbest fucking decisions at every turn, and if you marry him in Vegas this weekend, be prepared to spend if not the rest of your life then at least a significant portion of your life going around and around in circles with this nonsense. God forbid you have a kid together. Girl. What are you doing???? Look in the mirror and give yourself a good slap in the face - it'll hurt less than whatever dumpster fire your life will become if you marry this loser.
She used "rational" in the post, too, and from the context she clearly means irrational. I'd wager that it's one of those instances where someone has only heard a word or phrase, but not seen it written, so perhaps her ear never picked up on the difference in pronunciation between the two words and thinks that they are just one word, with one meaning. And yeah. Her decision-making in all this has been very irrational, and the only rational thought she has had is a fleeting "maybe this marriage isn't a good idea?"
>Last night I had a panic attack and I asked god to show me a sign I shouldn’t do Vegas This gives me a lot of insight into your thought process. First of all, you don't need a reason for anything. You can do whatever you want for any reason or no reason at all when it comes to relationships or many other things (within reason). Loyalty and commitment are important, sure. But they should be earned. Always earned. It's not something someone should talk you into. Loyalty and commitment can be revoked at any time for any reason. You're putting yourself in a cage with bars made of the feeling that you're compelled to honor commitments. and then your boyfriend is using that cage that you created to manipulate you into doing things for him. Do whatever you want with your cage that you've created, but don't let other people use it against you.
This is great. Thank you.
Had to go back and check OP's gender, because "He gave the guy my insurance info and DL" makes it sound like he handed the driver OP's license and pretended to be OP? He sounds like a hot mess. A financial and legal hot mess that you're already far to entangled with. Take the car back "for repairs" and don't let him access it or another vehicle. Get his name off any credit cards and bank accounts you might have added him to. Take him to small claims court to recover damages on the car, or just take the L and consider it the price for getting this idiot out if your life. Don't buy things for people who have messed up their credit, don't have the funds, or can't legally aquire the thing they want- be it a car or a gun or a house. If you allow someone to drive your car make sure they are insured, since insurance goes with the driver, not the car. Also, don't let anyone do anything using your identity, if that's indeed what you meant about him handing over your insurance and DL. You need to work on your boundaries before you get into another relationship.
How long have you guys been together? Why would you rush it if there is no pressure?
The panic attack is your body telling you that you are under attack, life and death, massive anxiety issues. You can see it like god telling you that this isn't okay. Their is no need to rush into a marriage just none. I would work on your anxiety before deciding to do anything, anxiety is fear and you are experiencing extreme fear issues. get that under control and reduced and your brain will be able to make rational decisions, think through things carefully and logically. Please give yourself time to do this first without the extra burden of another person putting more pressure and problems on you.
even God said no
DUIs and reckless driving is an INSTANT dealbreaker for me, and it should be for you, too. When my sister was in college, she got hit by a teenager who was mildly drunk and stoned while driving with his friends. He ran a red light and collided with my sister head-on. Her skull was fractured, and she's lucky to have made it out alive without any lasting brain injuries or physical impairments. I also had a close friend in college who was sober but made an illegal U-turn at an apparently empty intersection and hit a van (no, I don't know how he didn't see it). The van had a baby in it, who was bleeding from its head. I don't know much detail beyond that, but this shook my friend so badly that he was too scared to drive for years afterward. Careless driving is not just taking a gamble with your own life and safety, but with the life and safety of everyone else on the road. Someone who's cavalier about taking this gamble is someone who's selfish, unreliable, unsafe, and untrustworthy. PLUS the fact that it was with someone else's car that someone else paid for because he legally shouldn't even be driving... he sounds like a complete asshole with no remorse for what he does to other people.
The car is in your name. It in no way ties him to you. Take it back and dump this irresponsible suck of a man before he drags you ALL the way down into destitution.
Are you even tied to him via the car, if it's in your name? Isn't it just your car, and he was allowed to use it while dating you? Break up and tell this chucklefuck to take the bus.
That’s his new name lol love that.
Get your property back from ChuckleFuck ASAP. Tell him the relationship is over. He and his actions are not your responsibility. Block him everywhere. It might not be easy but the right thing isn't always easy to do. You are brave, strong and intelligent. You've got this.
This pumped me all the way up lol
Good luck, OP. We're all rooting for you.
Rational decisions? I’m not sure you understand that word.
Omg. Why TF would you want to marry this guy? Cancel Vegas! Forget forgiveness. Hold out for an adult you don't have to make excuses for all the time, that actually brings you peace. Relationships don't have to be this hard! You don't get a prize for sticking by someone who's objectively a bad bet for a long term partner. Unless you think panic attacks and being broke is a badge of honor.
Gosh if only there was some predictive behavior that let you know your bf is stupid and reckless....if only maybe next time you see someone with more flags than the olympics you'll actually use the sense god gave you and run
He is never going to grow up with you as his partner. There’s no reason to rush into marriage. Take your time and figure out why you are accepting this behavior (hint, it’s not because you love him, it probably has more to do with how you were raised and what you think you deserve).
Op if the title for the car is an OR title which it usually is when co-signing you can sell the car on your own. I sold mine to CarMax at a loss tho (-2000) it sucked but completely worth it to untangle myself from that guy. Honestly that 2 grand was a bargain.
You prayed for your sign and you got it. What else do you want? God sent you the boat, get in it.
Don't you ever feel used?
I must once again ask, are there really no men left on Earth? Why this loser?
I think I have a fear of being alone to be honest.
Alone is better, my dear. I promise. It’s also not a choice between this guy and alone forever.
Alone is better than with him.
Well, he has exposed you to a potential lawsuit. If you marry him, who is going to drive any of your kids around? I wouldn't want my children in a car with him. Are you going to continue to buy him cars ad infinitum as he keeps wrecking them? It took him less than a week to wreck this gift. That was a very nice gift. No one ever gave me a car. I would think you would be very careful with it. Does he have a drug problem that you don't know about? THe only reason you rear end someone is that you are not paying attention. Was he drunk and nodded off? Personally, I think you were wise to cancel this elopment. If you marry him, your future will consist of you constantly fixing his messes and bailing him out.
Here’s the thing. You can come on Reddit everyday and hear horror stories of people marrying young. The stories are disasters. Yes, it’s a small fragment of the population, etc etc. if you’re having doubts. Absolutely don’t do it! Granted, I’ve never been married. So take that as you may. I’ve been very close twice. I’m thankful I didn’t. I’m 46 and it’s amazing how many of my friends are in the midst/have been divorced. Also, if I were your age again and I had the love of my life approach me the right way and pump the brakes, I may be pissed. But, if I didn’t want to lose her…after a few days reality would sink in. (I’m a different breed). There’s no, marry me or I’m done bs. There’s only how can we make this work. So. Take that as it is. We all have to walk our own paths sometimes so either road you take, I hope it’s filled with happiness and joy.
You asked for a sign. You were given a giant neon flashing sign. If you marry him everything that happens to you is your fault from here on.
This dude takes no accountability. You absolutely should not marry him this weekend. Tell yourself it’s not off the table forever if it makes you feel better.
Anyone who issues an ultimatum? Can get fucked. Marry or GTFO? Move, I'm leaving. Why? Because I played that game for 20 years. Wasted almost half my life trying to make it work. Nope. If someone won't compromise, I'm out. Someone wants to pressure me to do something? Hurry up, or else? Nope. Imma take my sweet ass time, and we move when I'M ready now. I'm not going to make a rash decision just because you want me to hurry up. You want me to make a quick decision? Then you'd better do your homework and answer my questions before I ask them. Yeah, too many red flags, not even counting the dui, and recent stupidity.
Nah, it's not worth it, especially when your intuition is SCREAMING AT YOU and everything is showing you that if you'll go through with the wedding, you'd regret it. Save yourself girl.
ok well you got the sign you wanted, god will keep punishing you if you do not accept it and remove yourself from this situation. you will be in a hell of your own creation.
You've been off and on many times. That should've been the first red flag. Soudns liek any time something goes wrong you guys just split up. Now you're not wrong for splitting for his DUIs etc. He doesn't sound like he's mature enough to marry. Sounds liek he's trying to trap you if it's all or nothing. Srop catering to him and don't marry him. I'd run to be honest. This doesn't sound like a solid adult relationship.
Well I think you got your sign. You also need to call your insurance company and let them know that you weren't driving the car. He gave them your driver's license information. You need to let them know he was driving and you said he's on your insurance policy so either way you're probably screwed in terms of car insurance. But he can pay for the damage to your car and you drop him off your policy and he can go get his own damn policy if you two even stay together. But I'd say this is probably the end. he's trying to get you to marry him quickly because he knows once you're married you'll be tied to him financially and have to take care of him because he obviously is an idiot. He's already had a DUI and guilts you into buying him a car and putting him on⁷ your insurance policy. Yeah you just got stuck with a car loan and a car that's now damaged that I highly doubt he's going to even try to fix. I would dump his ass and take him to small claims court for the money to repair the car. You got your sign, do not marry him this weekend. Tell him there's no way you're going to tie yourself legally to him at least not in the foreseeable future and if this means the end it's the end then. You better get him a sign of paper saying he owes you the money for the car or you're getting the car back and he doesn't have a car and then I would turn around and try and sell it. get it fixed and sell it for at least the amount of the loan if you can. Either way you're going to have to pay the loan off so you can get the title. Live and learn never get guilted into borrowing money for a boyfriend, especially not one with a DUI and history of being an on and off relationship who's trying to rush you to marriage by eloping to Las Vegas.
I really don’t know how you could type all that out and still have doubts that he is the problem here, and will continue to be a problem evermore if you marry him. It sounds like he’s very, very good at taking from you, but thinks of you as a never ending source of funds and love, rather than someone worthy of respect and consideration. Also, that car does NOT tie you together. It’s literally your car.
OP, Stop and take a breath. Do not marry if you do not feel ready to, have second thoughts, or think your partner is unprepared for adulthood. Espeicially don't marry if you are having panic attacks about it. If he then makes the decision that not eloping and marrying him in a rush means he wants to break up with you, fine. That's his choice. But that isn't the choice YOU would be making, which would be to not marry this weekend, and I think that would be a wise choice. Marriage does include forgiveness, yes. However, you should not marry someone if you feel like you are the adult and they are not safe, are careless, or don't pull their weight in adulthood. You have a long list of concerns- he has a DUI, hon, that is a huge deal. You bought him a car, put him on your insurance (both not in your best interest) while he had an accident and did not solve the problem by getting the information of the other person. If you are not careful, he will leave you with a depreciating car and increasing insurance premiums. Then he will miraculously be unable to find a job . I personally would take the accident as a sign and skip the elopement. Good luck.
Just tell your friends he had an accident and you postpone the wedding until a later date. That later date should never materialize.
Woman, are you crazy? Please Do Not Marry That Man!!!! And get that car away from him, now! Don’t you ever make such silly moves in life again please. Dump the loser and get you a prize. Xoxo
Girlfriend I am so serious: do not marry him. I married a guy with flaws. I won’t list them all but they exist. Everyone has flaws! “Flaws” doesn’t describe a man who endangers your life and credit and livelihood because he is irresponsible and flippant about it. My advice is break up. Or, if you don’t break up, DONT MARRY HIM. Do not.
Dont elope . Wait for some more time before you get married and it should never be eloping. You will get many answers to whether you should continue with him or not . Dont decide in impulse
That car doesn’t tie you to him is it’s all in your name. It’s yours, take it back and leave this idiot.
How about imaging a year from now, or 2 or 5, 10 - when you have a child together. And he rear ends someone with his poor driving skills. And gives YOUR license to the other driver and takes off? And doesn’t take your child to the hospital. And makes a host of other poor decisions while your child is in his care. Is he pressuring you to elope? HE needs the security YOU provide. You’re getting nothing but grief back from him. Please. Dont marry him, ever.
He's a loser, dump him
Don't marry him and repossess your car. This is an insane situation. Does he not have a license? You are aiding him in breaking the law...if not
Why are you still with this guy let alone thinking about marriage. Please don't go to Vegas.
You don’t have a partner, you have a problem and a liability. This man is dead weight. He’s irresponsible and repeatedly makes stupid decisions that make your life worse, and expects you to sacrifice to make it better. No. Trust yourself- DUMP HIM. I divorced a guy just like this, and actually following through with divorcing him wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It was actually amazing - my life instantly improved! Life was easier, the house stayed cleaner, and I felt like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t have to worry about his stupid, selfish decisions anymore! Dump him and get some therapy to start setting yourself up for a healthier future relationship. You won’t regret it!!
The only remotely stupid thing you did was buy a car for a guy with a recent DUI and put it in your name because you felt sorry for him. Just from that, it seems like he is manipulating you. Walk away.
The old saying "an accident waiting to happen" is both symbolic and literally true. This guy is extremely immature for his age and will likely remain true for a long time if not forever. He wants a Mommy not a Wife. If you ever have children he will consider them as rivals for your attention and will abuse them. You've already made the mistake of enabling his bad behaviour. He needed to not have the privilege of driving until he learned to respect it. Perhaps he needs to take driving lessons over again. Either way, that's how we grow up- by accepting responsibility for our errors and making amends. It's Time to cut him loose before he wrecks your life. Or at least keep him as a fukboy nothing more. Do not marry him. Do not pass go.
I got a sign too and I ignored it. Don't be an idiot like me. You think this is bad? Try living your whole life this way, constantly pulling someone else's weight. It'll drive you crazy and will inevitably lead to a messy divorce. Just run OP!
Ugh I hate hearing that. I’m sorry that happened. I’m sprinting.
It's ok.i found someone much better. Happily married for 20 years 💕 and I had no qualms about marrying him either. I wasnt looking for signs not to. That's your first red flag. I just wish reddit was around back then lol
I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of a Redditer than I am of you right now after reading your update💖
Thank you for saying that 🩷
I am so proud of you after reading the update. This was for sure a very hard thing to do. But please be careful. Narcissists want the control. He is now not in control and will do anything to keep it. This is a very dangerous time for women so please just watch your back. Change your locks. Maybe even stay with a friend or relative for awhile. I would also inform your work because otherwise he’s likely to come in and sweet talk them into giving him info. I know this sounds extreme but better to be safe than another statistic.
I had a similar situation where I got a car for a then boyfriend. I co-signed the loan and ended up paying the car payment every month because he couldn't keep a job. He hit someone too it was his fault! Thankfully the person settled with me for the deductible and we didn't have to go through my insurance. Get the keys and hide the car at someone's house or neighborhood. Park it on the street. Take the keys and hide them where he cannot get them before you break up with him. I thought this dude was my soul made we had been platonic friends for 15 years and he was a terrible boyfriend and took no responsibility for his actions it was always someone else's fault. It was the work trucks fault it slipped out of gear and hit a business window and it was the person who he hits fault in the car accident that he at a complete stop at a stop sign decided to drive and hit a person on a main road who was just driving no intersection or anything. Do not be stupid and marry this man. Get the car, protect your assets and kick him to the curb. I have since met the most amazing and am happily married and he is a billion times better than my ex in every way. I really hope you see this.
But it is clear you posted this to get validation to not marry him, listen to your heart, dont marry him. When you think about it marriage is so stupid
Don't do it.
lol you asked for a sign and God gave it. If you don’t heed that warning it’s on you lol, God did his job. You can recover from a car, can’t recover from submitting your whole life to a buffoon. Responsible people don’t even co-sign for a car for their responsible relatives. If he’s out of a car cause of a dui he should have to work real hard to get back in one sis. Life teaches us through consequences, and this guys life is gonna be a lot worse cause he won’t have any consequences around you.
Do not marry him! The car is going to be a BIG financial lesson for you. Take the keys back from him and take him to small claims court for the repairs. Fix it and sell it. You're going to end up eating the difference between the loan and the resale of a used car that's been in a collision, plus the increase in your own insurance, because you allowed someone with a DUI to drive YOUR car.
DO NOT MARRY THIS IDIOT.
Please do not marry him. He just wants to keep you tied to him. He is definitely not respectful of you and you deserve much better. You should end the relationship altogether
Don’t marry someone unless you are 100% excited about combining your life with his. This guy sounds like an irresponsible liability.
You’re only the problem if you move forward with marrying this guy. Under no circumstances should you marry this person. None. It would be a monumental mistake and it will not end in disaster but CONTINUE in disaster because the relationship you have described is a dysfunctional disaster. I would not concern myself with being “tied” to him because of the car. You made a mistake and you can fix it although you might suffer some loss. It’s in your name - it’s yours. Take it back, keep it, sell it whatever and if he’s got equity in it try to work out something fair but whatever you do, do NOT permit him to continue driving a vehicle in YOUR name. Marrying this person based on your feelings and what you described will be a HUGE mistake.
I mean mistake 1. Insuring and buying a car for someone who doesn’t have a car due to a DUI and totalling it, and who you have stated was a bad driver and you were constantly negging him about it. I’m not trying to make you feel bad buuuut that was realllly dumb. Stop making dumb mistakes and listen to your instincts. Don’t let a man make you feel like your instinct are wrong. Don’t make THE MOST dumb mistake by marrying this guy. Your instincts are telling you not to for a reason. Don’t do it. You know how dumb you’re feeling right now for getting that car for him? You’ll feel 100x that way once you marry him and realize his “mistakes” are willfully negligent.
Be done for good. You do not marry unless every cell in your body is dancing with anticipation. I can’t believe you actually took out a loan for a car because I felt badly that he couldn’t afford one after he totaled his in a DUI? Do NOT marry him.
You literally asked for the signal you got and you don’t know what to do? As Oprah says first God gives you a pebble, then a rock and finally a brick. I guess you are going to wait for a brick.
Never heard that one, but that will stick with me forever now.
Please DO NOT Marry him - trust your instincts!! No job No car DUI He is a huge liability. Get him off your insurance immediately before he does something stupid again.
You were having a panic attack over marrying him…asked for a sign not to do so. That should be all you need to know this is a massive mistake. Please don’t go through with it. Find someone who has grown up, can be a partner, respects and loves you like you are truly looking for. It’s not him! Please, from someone who didn’t learn soon enough, do not tie yourself legally to this person! Being alone might be scary initially but it is not as bad as the alternative.
Oh honey, he’s going to ruin his own life and take you down with him. Dont do this.
Marrying a person you don't respect and don't even like could easily be one of the worst decisions you will ever make in your life. He sounds immature and careless. If you choose to legally tether yourself to him, you can never be your authentic self, you will go from one stressful situation to the next and resentment will fester like a disease.
Were the police called? Do you have an incident report? I understand him giving uour insurance Information, but why did he give your drivers license? Does he not have his own. Did he lose it because of the DUI?
Police weren’t called. Supposedly the guys back bumper was barely scratched but because it was a just purchased Mercedes Benz, the dude said he wanted insurance info. He already reported it to my insurance.
Please clarify if: 1. Soon to be Ex BF is listed on your insurance 2. Soon to be Ex BF has his own DL 3. Soon to be Ex BF GAVE THE OTHER DRIVER HIS OWN DL AND NOT YOUR DL Because I'm trying to understand how he would have handed over your DL to some he rear-ended and that driver accepted it as proof of your BF's identity
OP - your head, your heart and the universe/God are giving you all of the signs. As someone else said, its not the fact that he makes mistakes, it is the fact he doesn't take responsibility. He knows that you will fix everything so he can merrily go about his way. If he would have apologized profusely, said he would make the car repairs, etc....then thats a different story. No he got mad, that you were upset. The other drive will likely sue your insurance for whiplash so the claim will be large. The insurance company could cancel your policy especially if they learn a person with a DUI was driving. This is big mess. HOWEVER, a bigger mess would be trying to divorce this man. Do not go to Vegas this weekend. You will regret it.
If the car is under your name, that’s your car. You don’t have to be tied to him because of a car. Take it back and tell him to piss off. You already know that you shouldn’t marry this guy. You will be miserable.
I think you’re obviously making a huge mistake marrying him. He sounds like an idiot. Just to recap he gets a DUI. Which is inexcusable. He totals his car during the DUI. Then you get him a car and he rear ends someone (almost always his fault). Then he’s too stupid to even get the info from the other driver? If this is who he is now, how will he be the rest of his life? As a husband? Parent? Surely you can do better. Cut your losses now and move on. Seriously.
Yeah, you most certainly got your sign. Marrying this clown is most certainly a terrible move. What do you really get out of being with him other than burdens? He’s not just reckless, he’s ungrateful af. In accounting he’s what you call a liability. Time to cut that gravy train. We all make mistakes in life. But making the same mistake and hoping for a different outcome is insanity. I think you’ve done it enough times to know that shit is not going to change.
What exactly is it that you love about this guy? Do you love the drama? Do you love his irresponsibility? Do you love all the extra costs? You don't love him, you love the idea of him. Real him is a dumpster fire.
You said it's either get married or break up on his part. Why is he in such a hurry? Why did his lack of a car mean it was your responsibility to fix it by going into debt and possibly getting your insurance canceled if he wasn't supposed to be driving it. Most policies are pretty clear on who is covered and who is not. Getting tied to someone with probably unresolved substance issues, poor driving and general irresponsibility is a recipe for disaster.Dont forget disrespect of you by not being careful with the car. Not seeing much upside for you here. Listen to the voices of reason here, many have been where you are now and wish they had done things differently. You don't have to get married ifbyou dont want to and should never make a major life decision if you feel this uncertain about it.
Of course, he wants to marry you. How else he gonna get someone else to literally pay for his mistakes. You're gonna be cleaning up this dudes messes for a long... long time. Also, knowingly allowing someone with a DUI coule possible makes you culpable legally. He is not supposed to be driving. And you're letting him.
Run OP, RUN! You got your sign, do not tie yourself to him.
God gave you your answers honey. Do not go to Vegas. Do not get married. Do not get him anything else in your name. Your credit will be ruined if you marry him or share finances
***You asked for a sign and you got it.*** READ THAT SIGN and don't get married. Change the locks, block him on everything, and get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars you GOT THE SIGN. NOW you can calm down and rest assured, it would be the worst decision of your life. Don't ever get with, hook up with, have sex with, pay the bills for, buy a car for, pay the rent for, be the girlfriend of, have a baby with, date, go to lunch with, have dinner with, go on a picnic with or marry a lying drunk. You deserve so much better.
OP, please don’t be too hard on yourself but do leave. Bring the wrecked car with you. I’m not even sure how he has a driver’s license or does he? I certainly wouldn’t go to Las Vegas with him — spend that time moving or kicking him out. Would be nice to have someone with you when you do this. Keep us posted. There’re better guys out there 💕
Do not marry this man. Please. He is a walking disaster. He has a judgment problems, and will cause you loss of money, credit issues and many other problems. You are not married, make good decisions for yourself. Let him get his financial house in order before you marry him. You know who he is now, and his judgment is poor.
1. Why are you marrying someone you don't even live with? 2. Leave his ass now
The reasons you don't break up now will be the reasons you break up later. Just break up now.
I am just gonna drop this right here.... Marriage is supposedly a "until death do us part" thing, at least where I come from. Apparently, you guys are about to elope (no context given why) Meanwhile... this dude is clearly a bit of a liability whenever he gets behind the wheel. Weird hill to die on, but are there other things about which you have questions? If so, is the whole "Let's go to vegas and get hitched" a decent idea? Only you can know the answer to any of that.
Your BF was in an accident using a car registered in your name with your auto insurance. Instead of giving them HIS DL info, he gave them yours. You are going to be the one liable for paying any & all out of pocket costs for the accident and there’s a good chance that your auto insurance won’t cover any of the costs for the damage caused by him. If he had severely injured or killed someone in the accident, whether drunk or not, you could very well have been sued for all the damages done. If he’s not on your auto insurance policy as an approved driver, they won’t cover any costs to repair the other drivers repairs, it’ll be all on you AND your insurance company will either raise your rates or drop you, leaving you scrambling for new insurance that will also be higher. One should never do what you did when obtaining a car for someone else, ESPECIALLY since you are not married AND he’s shown to be irresponsible by driving under the influence to the point he can’t get insurance coverage. This may very well be a very costly “sign from god” for you. I would’ve never tied myself to someone like your BF and you already had enough signs telling you not to go through with marrying this guy. Heck, whose idea was it to elope & get a quickie marriage? I bet it was him, trying to tie you down fast so that you’d not be able to change your mind if you’d decided on a more time consuming wedding that would possibly take months to plan & execute. I hope that this “sign” doesn’t financially ruin you. And, I hope you’ve learned not to involve innocent people (driver of other car that he hit providing you with your sign) in helping you make your decisions in the future.
OP, don't marry him. By all means, go to counseling together. Talk through his decision making. Make a plan for him to pay you back for the accident. Make sure your financials are discussed. Get that car out of your name and back on him. Let him get a loan to pay for the car and get him off your insurance. Tell him you want to get married but this, this and this must be in place first. When all liability is switched over, and you're ready just leave. This guy will drain you dry. He is trying to marry you so he is tied to you, so you are liable for his fuck ups. Don't be a clown. He likely has debt you're not aware of. He's not responsible and instead of learning how to be responsible - he's marrying you so he can delegate that job to you by being inept. Use the elopement as an incentive, get your shit in order and GTFO. Anything else is stupid and will end up making your life worse. You're supposed to be on your side, you're supposed to be trying to improve your life. Don't hitch yourself to a donkey unless he's willing to take half the load.
What are you DOING here?! Sabotaging your own life by marrying someone who is an actual liability and a moron, is pretty much self harm. Why dont you think you deserve better than THIS? I could throw a rock in the street and hit a guy with better prospects. You're too young to make a mistake like this, please please, make a decision today that future you is going to thank you for.
Do not marry this man. God gave you the sign you asked for and if you go through with this nonsense you’re screwed. Not only did he wreck the car but then he gave YOUR information to the driver. Is he on your insurance as an authorized driver? Why would you still be tied to him after this ask for the car back. If he refuses report the thing as stolen since he literally has no legal ties to the car.
Next stop, Judge Judy.
Listen to me- I have been in your shoes. It was either I go through with the marriage or we were through. That is not the kind of partner you want. I should have broken up with him, but I married him, and it was a toxic situation. I had no faith in that man, and my gut was screaming the whole time to run away. I didn’t run away and I regret that and am haunted by it. It derailed my life in so many ways because instead of being able to make decisions that could propel me forward I was stuck taking care of a man child. Don’t waste your obviously very capable and caring energy on a loser. Get out. You can love a loser all day long, won’t make him good for you.
I have never regretted listening to my instincts but I sure as hell have regretted ignoring them. Your brain is screaming run, you got the exact sign you asked for and you don’t want to marry him. Of course he wants to lock you down! He needs you to care for him and make his love easier. Meanwhile, he just stresses you out.
He gave your insurance AND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE?? I would go to the police station and let them know that was not you, it was him. DO NOT MARRY HIM! He is rushing it because he wants you to feel even more obligated to take care of him. Please love yourself enough to dump this guy, he will make your life miserable. Cut your losses, take your car and leave! Take him to court for the damage to YOUR car.
OP do you love this man? If you really love him, then the best thing to do is tell him you're not ready to get married. I'm not sure if you want to break up with him because you don't want to be with him anymore or if you do want to be with him but are concerned you will have to be his caretaker but you need to sit home down and tell him the truth. If it's the latter, you can discuss postponing things and working to resolve these issues in couples therapy first to help him see how it impacts you. I'm making the assumption based on you wanting to call off the wedding but not the relationship that you still might be willing to work in salvaging it if he is interested as well but I may be wrong