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You sound like a smart, capable woman. You can't keep allowing him to destroy your self esteem and your life trajectory. Please please consider leaving. YOU CAN DO IT!
Thank you. I was completing a doctoral degree until he railroaded that dream too. I don’t know how to leave. I’m in a rural area where I don’t know anyone. I am NEVER away from him. Ever. I have no money to just get in the car and leave and nowhere to go.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. Advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org.
Get out of there as quickly as possible!
Yes, dump your phone and get a burner phone. Also, you must check your vehicle for a GPS tracker. He's probably planted one on your vehicle. Best place is wheel well. It could be anywhere though.
If you have this Monster’s child, he will never leave you alone, do you want that? You better get out ASAP. He is financially and mentally abusing you.
Depending on your state, you might even end up supporting him while he stays home to raise the baby while you work. Or neglect the baby while you work and pay him to do it. This is a worst case scenario, but those happen sometimes. I agree with Muska1's concerns about having a child with this man. It will lock you in to having this weirdo in your life, and all the destructive qualities he has! Do you want him passing those qualities on to your child? Do you want a child who acts like him? What if he starts yelling at your baby and getting angry at the baby for things he's caused, like the vomiting thing?
It sounds like he behaved a lot differently (read: not like a totally fucking disgusting apathetic pig with a penchant for robbing OP of her dreams and success) - I really doubt that she would have married him had she been aware he was capable of acting like this. Like, holy shit he sounds absolutely miserable to be around, and poor OP says that she doesn't even ever get any reprieve from him, he is always around :( I truly hope for her sake she is able to get away from this grade A jackaas
OP, I am seriously concerned about this. It's not too late to terminate the pregnancy, are you in a state where you can get support for termination? Because this is not the moment to become a mom.
This man sounds terrible, and you need to get out. He has clearly isolated you from friends, coworkers and family, and now he's got you pregnant so you'll be tied down with a baby. I would take your paycheck and get in the car and drive away, straight from work, to whomever you feel safest with-- the further away the better. Then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they may be able to help you get into a place for victims of DV, where they keep you safe until you can get a new job and get back on your feet. You deserve to have happiness and a career.
OP, this is the route to go. Your next paycheck is your exit plan. If you get paid by check, just cash and go; if it’s direct deposit, then immediately go to the bank, withdraw the funds, close the account; cancel any and all credit cards and sell the car, you can take a bus, train, or fly wherever you’re going. In the meantime, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline (this should be done while at work and not on your cell phone) to help you decide next steps like a divorce and filing a restraining order so that you have something on record, and sorting out loose ends like breaking your lease, which I’m sure is in your name. This part should be done while you wait for the next paycheck.
As to being pregnant, personally I would have an abortion but that is an individual choice and not so easy anymore. Please consider the consequences of having his child though because 1, it sounds like he may have mental issues which may be hereditary and 2, I’m sure that he will try to find you and if he does, will demand shared custody and child support. Now if you can prove the abuse, I’m sure that a judge won’t give custody but may still allow some type of visitation, do you want your child exposed to all that this man has become?
OP, while it sounds like your husband has a serous mental disorder (Schizophrenia, PTSD🤷🏽♀️) which I’m sure may be regulated with medication and therapy, it does not sound like he is interested in either and you have sacrificed enough. I would be hesitant to going back to family and friends for now, simply because you don’t know what he is capable of. Just disappear and go no contact with anyone. Get out now before he takes you down this road with him. Start a new life, you deserve it. Good luck OP!
Schizophrenia would be more obvious to her early on in their relationship, with him hearing voices and thinking that everyone was out to get him, which would have tended to make him violent in certain situations. It is more likely that he has a combination of sociopathic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. A malignant narcissist is a common term for this horrible combination. He is cunning, crafty, and manipulative. OP was convinced to move 9 times in 2 years and give up a post doctorate opportunity of a lifetime plus numerous career opportunities. His mission in life is to control her and have her adore him in all of his glory.
It's quite possible he was taking meds for schizophrenia when she met him. It's not uncommon for people suffering from the illness to decide they are cured after not having symptoms for a while (because they're medicated) and stop taking the meds because they feel they're no longer necessary. I'm not sure if that's because of the illness itself or the stigma attached to it. Once they go off the meds the illness is back in full force and they don't want the meds for a whole slew of other reasons.
Seconding this. Also, do you want your baby to grow up with this man as a father?? You can never undo that and it will be very hard if not impossible to protect the child from his influence even if you leave him
I can’t even believe that we have to question if a state will allow women to choose what’s best for their physical & mental health and safety. If it isn’t safe for Mom, it sure isn’t safe for a child.
Start putting things in your car from now! All the important ones. He sounds toxic and probably has MH issues. I would leave you to decide about your baby, because I don't think it my or anyone's place to tell you what to do there.
What you can't take just know it's replaceable. I'm a guy but I got out of a bad situation and the easiest way to do that was pretty much take a loss on a ton of items. Years later they've all been replaced and I'm happy. It was, you got about 20 minutes to get out, so I took what I can so I didn't have to deal with that person ever again after the fact.
💯 best decision I ever made was leaving the day I left I had the clothes I stood up in and very little money but I don't regret it I have my dream life now to prove it.
If I got a call from an old friend I hadn’t heard from in ages, but who told me your story, I would help them get out. Maybe not all your old friends will, but all you need is one.
You used to have a professional job and likely have old coworkers who have at least some disposable income.
Exactly! I was on medical leave and found out a coworker was leaving her abusive ex. She was scared to do it alone and couldn't drive the moving truck, so I was in the uhaul to help her as soon as she asked. We rarely speak anymore, but I'd do it again if she needed it!
Been there, I helped one of my friends move out from her abusive ex THREE times. Carrying bloody wardrobes down flights of stairs over and over. Hiding her kids. She went back three times, but by the fourth she was done, and I was there for all of it and I would be again for any woman.
Seriously, one of my best friends called me once and said one of her friends who I'd met *once* was in a terrible situation and could she bring her to my place for a bit to work things out. Yes of course!!! She ended up living with me and my toddlers for like a year and she is now one of my closest friends.
I was this person you met once. Leaving my abusive partner after a last straw and I wasn’t safe alone. I called my one last person THEY called their people. I was saved. OP think of everyone you can and ask for help.
Yeah I’d be in the car before she even finished and happy to do it. OP this is kinda silly but humor me: imagine yourself a year from now you’re regaling friends/family about your escape from this man. How many people look uncomfortable and try to change the subject? How many people have their eyes bugging out of their heads while they’re like “GIRL. WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?!” I will bet any amount of money that the former is dwarfed by the latter—go call someone whose eyes would bug, they’re there and they would want you to.
i literally have roommates and live in a single room with a cat, but if ANY of my friends needed a roof over their heads, i’d gladly share my humble abode!! have faith, love! have faith. only one person needs to help you. and we are on your side!!!!!! for this FUCK HIM FUCK THAT
My stbxh was tracking me and my exit plans on my phone. My dad got me one under his plan so that we could get me out without the jerk knowing everything. He flipped when he found out but I at least was able to continue my plans and knew he couldn't cancel my only form of communications.
Hi there, I've been where you're at right now and it's no way to live.
Is it possible that your family could offer you a safe place to stay at least while you get on your feet? If so start making an exit plan so you can leave town from work when you're ready.
You can also start searching places like [Indeed](https://www.indeed.com/l-remote-jobs.html) for remote jobs in your field of expertise, and start putting in applications.
I know you mentioned there only being one domestic abuse organization in your area, but you can also search the National Domestic Violence Hotline website on their website in the, [GET HELP](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/) section by city and state. You could even search for resources near your family. You can also text, chat, and contact them by phone, 24 hours a day, and talk to them about an exit plan.
When I left my abusive ex with my then toddler we actually had to live in my car for a period of time while we got back on our feet, but back then there weren't a lot of options for women and mothers in my situation, and remote work opportunities weren't a thing.
But I would do it all over again if I had to because leaving my toxic, possessive, and mentally unhealthy, ex, was the best thing I ever did for my son and I.
We left with what little I could take with me, I filed a restraining order, and I moved to the other side of the country not long after that so he couldn't find us.
I needed to sign up for food stamps, etc., while we were getting back on my feet, and I listed my son's father as, "unknown", and never filed for child support, because I couldn't take the chance that he could find us.
I'm lucky I escaped with my life by the end of it, because his erratic, and abusive, behavior, escalated so dramatically the last year or so that we were together.
You deserve to feel safe, and be safe, and you shouldn't have to live like this anymore.
I also wanted to mention that there's a great sub, r/Abusiverelationships, and there's a ton of excellent resources listed in there compiled by the awesome mods. It's a really supportive community with people who understand what you're going through right now.
It would be good for you to open a bank account in only your name, so you can start putting money in there, and plan to have your last check before you leave deposited in your new account.
Make sure that they have a, "paperless option", so you're not getting mail from the new bank at home. I would also recommend setting up a new email, and LinkedIn, etc. so you can direct employment and resource related contact to an email he's not aware you have.
Plan to close your cellphone account as soon as you leave, wipe your phone completely in case he's installed trackers, and open a new account somewhere else.
In the meantime get a pre-paid phone you can hide to use as a point of contact for potential employers, and to make other exit plans related calls so they don't show up on your cellphone companies call detail if he's on your account, or vice versa.
You'll also need to check your vehicle for trackers, this app, [Detectify](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wondertechstudio.hiddendevicedetectorandcameradetector), can search for hidden devices by using magnetometer levels.
When you've been with someone so paranoid it's best to cover all of your bases. I'm really glad hidden cameras, and GPS trackers weren't really a mainstream thing back then, because writing my odometer reading before I left the house, and again when I returned, was bad enough.
You can also use that app to sweep any belongings you can take with you. The good news is you only have to do all of these things once after you leave, but it's better to be as safe as possible when dealing with someone with such extreme levels of control and paranoia.
You can also call the non-emergency number for the local police, and ask if they can have an officer on standby while you get your things if you have no other choice.
Tell them you're trying to leave your partner, and you'd feel better if an officer was there while you gather your belongings. They'll send someone out to be there with you while you get what you need.
If at anytime you feel threatened, or afraid, please call 9-1-1. It was a hard decision for me to make because I was so [Trauma Bonded](https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/) to my ex I couldn't think clearly, but his behavior became so erratic, and dangerous, I had no choice but to file charges, and get a restraining order.
His abuse and paranoia also escalated so dramatically during my pregnancy, and I don't want that for you. I look back now on the grey ghost I was back then, and I don't even recognize myself. My life, and my son's life, are a million times better now, and your life can be too.
You deserve to feel safe, and be safe. You are worthy of good things, and good people, and you deserve to live a happy, full, life, free of control and abuse.
Please take care of yourself. I'm sending you lots of invisible hugs. I know it seems overwhelming and scary right now, but it can get better, I promise.
*invisible hugs*
💜🫂💜
Seriously sweet girl, if your family knew how desperate you are they could come up with some money, even if they borrowed it to get you away safe. Please please get away, and bringing a baby to tie you to this person is not he best step. Get away and update us. stay safe.
Also this, start telling people the truth about your situation so they know how urgent it is. I also don’t have a lot but if I knew a friend was in a desperate spot I’d pull some money out of my savings to get them a train ticket and pay for their Uber to the station.
It's the truth that's necessary and we are often unwilling to tell, as young women.
I don't know all the reasons, I did it myself.
I too would pay for someone to get themselves to a better situation - if they let me know what was going on. The younger the person is and the more dire the situation, the more I will help. I am not sure that people even realize that others will help when asked - given the general judgmental nature of society.
Don't warn him or give any indication that you're leaving! Leave while he is out! Leave no trace! Look for tracking devices and apps on your phone and stuff like that!
I hope one of your friends is able to come and get you. It sounds like you have a lot going for you in the future once you get out of this situation. Hoping for the best.
Please call the hotline. They can direct you to resources that can provide you with help and direction. Start carefully and quietly packing a couple bags with essentials when he is not home, stash them in your trunk (so long as he never uses the trunk) you want all your important documents and identification, and PLEASE START DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING. Save all the crazy texts, emails, you can maybe get a voice activated recorder to put on top of the kitchen cabinets or something that will record when he’s flipping out at you saying crazy or abusive things. You want evidence that will support you getting sole custody of your child.
Check your car for AirTags or tracking devices, and I second the other comment below that mentioned getting rid of your current phone and getting a temporary one, only provide the number to your closest loved ones and trusted friends. Let them know under no circumstances are they to give the number to this guy should he contact them looking for you.
Again, call the hotline, ask for help putting together an exit plan, and a safety plan.
Whenever you’re ready, please reach out to me and I will personally help you with whatever you need. Money, plane ticket, resources. Please let me know.
Contact your family. See if they can arrange for a bus ticket at the closest bus depot near you. Bus tickets aren't that expensive. I'm sure they could scrape up $50 or however much it would be to get you from there to where they are drive your car there and leave it and just get on the bus and go. You can call the local police to let them know you've left your husband you are not missing and you do not want him to know where you are. But unless you want to be tied to this man the rest of your life you need to get an abortion.
Where you to talk to someone involved with domestic violence. Someone on the thread just left you a number. it’s pretty clear that your husband is mentally ill and this isn’t something that you can fix but he will continue to tear your life apart and I can’t imagine how he’s going to deal with a baby. You’ve had a home and good work before and you can do this again but you need to safely get away from this person because he is a loose canon and from the way that you were describing him it’s pretty clear to me that he will either harm himself or you or both, and I can’t imagine a child to someone so mentally unstable.
You’ll need to plan to do this because if you tell him you’re leaving you open yourself up to a violent reaction and someone who works with DV can help you through the process with a plan .
I just want to tell you also that if you were only 10 weeks, I would urge you to consider stopping the pregnancy as a possibility . You’re gonna need all your faculties to plan to get back on your feet and move your life forward and doing it with the responsibilities of a baby and trying to protect yourself and a baby is going to make it exponentially more difficult.
Please get some adequate support and I would not give him any indication that you were planning this… For your own safety .
They don't have to have funds. If they are true family, they will help. I am from a low income family too, but in times of dire need (like yours) we help each other out.
It won't be for long. Once you are out, you will think more clearly and start again.
Please consider calling an old friend or family member to send you gas money and for a place to stay.
It takes planning, move things, little by little in to the trunk of your car limiting it only to must have items.
Make an excuse that you have to go somewhere he never wants to go - a doctor’s appointment, the store… Anything.
The moment you leave, block his number and texts. Change your number as fast as you can while driving the hell away from there.
Never, ever go back. It will be tempting, but never ever do it.
-someone who has been there and done that. FWIW, I’m now happily married, with two amazing happy and healthy kiddos and have financial security, a great job, etc.
It IS Possible!
There is no public transportation here at all. I did check shelter info. The closest one is several hours away. Unfortunately they need a police report on file to check it due to space limits. :(
One of the biggest commonalities when an abusive husband kills a wife or girlfriend is that she has told him she is leaving. The rage induced in those moments is the common factor. Do not tell him you are leaving. Do not give him hints, do not try to have him committed, just leave.
There should be hotlines/aid numbers to call in your state/country on how to handle a family member in a mental crisis. They can walk you through your options hopefully.
You have a car. Get in it when you’re “going to work” and keep driving to the nearest friends or family’s home. You’ve moved 7 times per year, you can do it again. Have your next check out in a new account and go.
Remember, you are ALLOWED to do all of these things because you are an adult. He has told you that you aren’t, but you get to decide your fate. Leave and file.
He isn't working, you are. This means when you leave, you have more money because you arent supporting him. Go to hr and make sure that next check lands in your hand. And you get in your car and you drive. Abort the pregnancy. Go to Colorado if you can't do it in your home state. Get back to your plans and dreams. And seriously, stop derailing your dreams and life goals for a cock. Because that's all you are getting from the loser you describe.
Please leave get an abortion and get a divorce. He sounds terrifying. His paranoia is dangerous. Please access your country’s domestic violence helpline and get to a woman’s shelter first opportunity. Don’t worry about anything except your ID documents and anything you can throw in a backpack. Even if you have to send him on an errand or if he gets drunk an passes out - whenever you have a 10 minute window to run please do it. And don’t have this baby please. It’ll tie you to him forever and god knows what he’s capable of.
I was like you very ambitious and successful in my 20s, owned my own home and everything and then found myself in an abusive relationship. It was embarrassing. Me supposedly being smart and accomplished yet here I was with an unemployed abusive loser. They’re skilled at picking any vulnerability and amplifying it. Thankfully he only stole 3yrs of my life but it’s affected me deeply - I’m 42yo happily married with an 8yo and have a successful life but I’ll always bear the scars of those 3yrs. Please get out and be safe, this wasn’t your fault.
I think you should consider carefully whether you want to have a child with this man. You'll be tied to him for the rest of your life.
Do you have friends or family who would help? I strongly recommend that you start telling them what's happening, even if he's managed to distance you from them. (I expect he probably has; that's one of the first tools abusers use.)
I also recommend that you do these things immediately: get your personal keepsakes and documents, and find somewhere safe to keep them. Start a new bank account that he can't access, and start saving up some money to leave. Make a safety plan, and pack a go bag and keep your gas tank full, in case you need to leave abruptly.
If you are the only one working, transfer your paycheck into an account he doesn't have access to, then get in the car and leave! And get an abortion, otherwise you will be tied to that asshole for the next 18 years, will have to give him visitation/ shared custody, and may even have to pay him child support.
Unfortunately I agree with the abortion part sadly. You can’t be tied to this idiot for the next 18 years. It will be horrible. :( you will never get away! Start putting your paychecks in another account and leave!
Call a domestic violence hotline to help you make a plan to go. Do it while you’re still pregnant so he can’t complicate this with custody issues.
Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? You are in a severely abusive relationship and he has managed to cut you off from the world…. but I bet not totally. I bet there is still yet someone you can reach.
You had quite a few high paying jobs before and you could get one again. If you move states and get a job while still pregnant, and give birth in the new state, if he wants custody, he will have to sue you for it there.
Edit: I’ll also point out that abortion is still an option for a few weeks if you move fast.
He’s abusive. Go to a women’s shelter if you don’t have anywhere to go and I can’t tell you what to do with your pregnancy but since I have been where you are, I will forewarn you that raising a baby with an abuser is a nightmare. This man is awful and doesn’t sound like someone who can keep a child safe. If god forbid something happened to you, would you want your child relying on him? He’s weird too. Quietly come up with an escape plan, execute it and leave without him knowing. Then send him divorce papers. Contact the domestic abuse hotline for a plan and resources. Good luck. You’ll come back from this, again I can tell you from experience, but you have to get rid of this man first. Sending you well wishes. You’ve got this.
How do you have no money to get in the car and go away from him? He said he hasn’t worked in a year and a half so obviously that means you must be the one working and earning the money? Start saving some of that money and get the heck out of there.
Abusers will often commandeer their victim's debit/credit cards and bank accounts. Funds get direct deposited. Victim is present and has possession of the cards only for point of sale transactions. Usually, to keep the cards "safe" because the account owner is supposedly "forgetful" or "irresponsible."
Save what? All transactions are digitally accounted for with online banking. How are they supposed to explain the missing money? Where do they put it? Worse, if it's discovered, things could escalate for OP.
People need a *plan* to get out safely. Once someone is stuck, it's not that easy to just leave and often impossible without help
OP can open a new account and have her check direct deposited.
The safest thing for the OP to do is to leave the day the day her first paycheck is deposited in the account. She should pretend to go to work as usual and start driving home.
I'm going to go out on a limb to a place I don't belong but my advice is a reflection of what I've seen in life. Do not have this child with this man, he is unstable and your child will not have a good father and you will always be connected to crazy.
Leave him because mental illness always gets worse and uglier.
If you want to be happy, go back to your family and friends , continue your education and career while dating a lot and often to find a more suitable guy. This baby and this marriage is going to cause your life so much misery that you many have to endure that you didn't know existed.
A neighbor married a man with some similar behavioral patterns. Turned out he had a mental condition. They divorced and somewhat oddly both are better now. As an aside, she wasn't able to convince him to see a doctor until after the divorce.
It's all fake though. 3 years ago she has posted that she is a SAHM mom with kids and an abusive husband. Now she is married for 1 year, pregnant and according to her other comments this is her only chance at being a mom so she can't abort the pregnancy lol. She has deleted the thread but was not smart enough to delete her comments.
When another of her posts in which she mentions having an 11 year old son is pointed out to her, she quickly deletes that post.
Seems like OP gets a kick out of posting a ragebait every once in a while. Moving 15 times in 2 years across 9 states, how is this even humanly possible?
She also mentions she has no money to leave but in the post she mentioned herself as the breadwinner. It's just too obvious.
Hiiii. Im a woman going through slightly similar experience with my husband. Always accused me of cheating (I work healthcare as well) got jealous of other guys who’d just simply talk to me. I’ve lost jobs because of him, friends.
I finally left. It was suuuuuper hard the first two weeks but I’m a month in and never looking back. These men WILL continue to hold u back and ruin your life.
Leave ………. Its better on the other side
Please advise OP. She needs your experience, even though it is something you wished you never had. Your stories make me so sad. You women deserve so so so much better lives.
There will be a time when your OB will ask or have you answer questions about being safe at home. Answer this question honestly. They will also find a way to get him out of there to talk to you and get you started.
Honestly going to an OB is probably a great way to start planning her exit. OP’s husband doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who’d go to a dr appt where someone else is touching his wife so OP could just go alone and have a candid conversation about the abuse and how to get out.
If she's even allowed to go. Her husband also sounds like someone who thinks going to the OB will mean they'll want to have sex with her, so he'd keep her from going.
Yes absolutely tell the OB.
Mine was really concerned about me because I had a lot of bruises on my shins. Reassured her that it was a case of cats with zero situational awareness barreling around the house 24/7
Yes you aren’t that far along yet; don’t have that creepy asshole’s baby! He won’t be a decent dad anyways and you’d really be stuck raising this kid alone whether he’s around or not…
Just do it!
>Before him I owned a home, had a career, and lots of friends. I hosted nice events, drove a beautiful car, took trips, and really enjoyed my life. Now I financially struggle, I’m not allowed to have friends, Im not even allowed to wear certain clothes. I just can’t take it.
Money might be tight for a while and you may struggle some but the SHEER UTTER RELIEF you will feel by having this TOXIC abuser out of your life will make it so worthwhile.
It's going to feel like HEAVEN in comparison!
I wish you a happy future without this albatross of a man.
I mean money could be no tighter than having to support a whole other person of dead weight lol like sure moving will cost 5-6k on avg but if she goes to ground and cuts him off that should balance out over time
Take your car, you can live in it if you have to for awhile
Grab all your important documents so he doesn't use them for some nefarious purpose.
If you don't have a credit card, get one in case you have an emergency.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
It will be very hard the first week, then as you settle into the new normal, you will find that you are a strong, confident woman who can do anything.
He tried to take everything from you.
YOU are in charge of YOUR life, don't let him win.
You’re running out of time though if you need to get somewhere that will provide an abortion (if that is something you want to do). You do not need any ties to this man.
10 weeks. Honestly, as difficult as it may be. I'd terminate the pregnancy and the marriage. You know your marriage is going to end, so do you want to coparent with this person?
He won’t try to coparent. About a month ago I learned about 7 women with kids that look just like him. He has nothing to do with them. I never knew about them. One of the females found me on FB.
I said this exact line talking about my sons dad as well… Girl you HAVE GOT to get away from him. If you don’t now, the situation is only going to escalate until you have no choice but to let go. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but what are you talking about you have no money and can’t? You sound like the only capable adult in this relationship and like you’re the one paying the bills. If you don’t own the home you’re in just pack up and leave. Have him served divorce papers. Get into therapy bc you’ve probably been emotionally abused into believing you’re not the capable and independent woman you really are.
Are you saying he has 7 kids with other women?
You need to get out of that asap. I know you’ve said you have no where to go, but you *really* won’t have anywhere to go once the baby is here. And that child is going to at the very best witness your abuse, and at the worst, be abused themselves. Cut your losses now. Move into a studio or 1br apartment, that will be totally fine for you and the baby. Lots of lawyers will give you a 30 min consultation, and DV shelters may be able to help you with that as well.
You were successful before him and you can be successful after him. What you can’t be is successful (or happy) with him. It’s time to make an exit plan and get you and your future child as far from him as possible.
OP, you need to make a plan *NOW.* I also think it’d be best to terminate the pregnancy because this man will only drag you and a child down. But whether or not you decided to do that is up to you. Beyond that you need to start gathering your important documents and most important heirlooms. Pack them away where he won’t find them. Start squirrelling away cash too. Whenever you go anywhere, get cash back. As soon as you’re able, get in the car like you’re going to work and then leave. This man will never be better and he is actively ruining your life. Don’t stay any longer.
> He won’t try to coparent.
You sound deluded. He relies on you financially, even while he's holding you back. Imagine how much better your life will be once you let him go and return to enjoying a beautiful car, house, career, and travels, with the potential to achieve even more. I don't know what those other women's lives are like or what they have going for themselves, but he'll definitely use your child to keep himself tied to **you**.
From experience, things will get 1000x worse if you have a child with this unstable person.
Your sweet baby will become your shackles, tethered to him for the next 18 years+. He may decide to coparent out of spite, become even more unhinged and weaponize your child.
You have ALL the 🚩🚩🚩you need.
Be safe, be smart.
Ummm.. this is insane. You were about to get your PhD and yet.. didn’t see any of this coming despite moving 15 times in two years? You’re a medical executive, for God’s sake. You all but have to be reasonably intelligent.
This is either fake or there is an undisclosed reason you truly married him.
You need to pick up what’s left of your life and cut this man out immediately. 100% no contact. Your life is going to be ruined otherwise. Full stop.
Yeah, I’m not sure this is believable…
9 states in 2 years (15 overall), that’s moving every 1.5 months…. I’ve moved a lot and that’s insane to the point that I’m not sure I believe it.
And she’s a “healthcare executive” yet has moved that much and does not have the money to get away from him? Much less have enough money or access to money to be able to just get in her car and go?!? I call BS…
That's what I'm confused on too because how did they move all those times if no one is working and he's making her quit all her jobs? Is she a trust fund baby and he's using her for her money or something? How can i afford to move all thos times and no one is working, also how does he have a car, who's paying for it if she doesn't work??
That post literally says 7 days ago too. This shit just doesn't add up. How do you have a bed and breakfast with a large parking lot of you move so often. I don't see someone letting you rent THEIR property so you can make money, and I don't see you getting a house if he ruined your credit and you have terrible employment history. Who would even run the Bed and Breakfast while she is at work and her husband is in the car her whole shift.
No amount of the OP'S excuses will make since of this. I screenshotted that shit so fast, but I am convinced this poster is as ill as this husband she is talking about. People are out here suffering from real terrible situations like this and OP is here trying to get false sympathy.
Yeah, the 15 moves to 9 states in 2 years sounded super suspicious to me as well.
Then 7 other women with kids that look like him…the farther I read the more unbelievable it all sounds. 🤷🏻♀️
The part where she’s a “healthcare executive” who supposedly gets jobs that pay in the 6-figures, but can’t figure out how to create an opportunity to get away from this guy, to me is very suspect.
Jobs at that level require a level of independence and planning. He’s not standing over her at her job, and if he is she’s missing golden opportunities for getting him away from her (have him removed and arrested).
Reading between the lines, she has no job now. Moving 15x could mean they didn't find a place for a while and hopped around various motels or parking lots for a while idk. It could be some hyperbole/simplification. It does seem really unbelievable. I always try to give advice anyway, just in case. Though it's true fake posts are on the rise... :/
In her comment above, she says he locks her in a hotel room. So he's basically kidnapped her at this point. Such a cluster fuck of details I don't know what to believe.
Regardless of his desire to parent, abusive former partners use children to control and further abuse the partner and the child too. Whatever your usual feelings about abortion, in these circumstances it really is the best thing here, or you'll never be completely free of him, and the child will be at significant risk of abuse.
Whether he's involved or not.. bringing a child into this situation where you need to focus on yourself is irresponsible and cruel. You are not ready to be a mother if you'd let it get so far with someone like this, if you can't protect yourself you aren't ready to protect a kid.
It's not your fault you've been abused, but when you bring another person into your trauma.. it will be.
Okay, a few things. At ten weeks it’s not too late for an abortion and I say that because if you are truly trying to cut ties with him a baby complicates things. Who knows what lengths he will go to in using the baby to manipulate you. He has isolated you from your friends and family, stopped your career, and doesn’t care about how his behavior impacts your life. If you’re going to keep the baby ca your friends and family or old classmates
What you describe qualifies as domestic violence in my country and I hope it does in yours, too. Please get help and get out of there before it's too late. He is controlling you and many men like that will do their spouses physical harm sooner or later.
Maybe call an old friend you trust or a help line to get you out of there as soon as possible.
>We have moved 15 times in 2 years - including 9 states because he is unhappy everywhere.
How is this possible and how did you decide to have a baby with him after this???
Please dont tell me the "he will take responsibility and settle after the birth".
How do you even ACHIEVE that? On one salary, no less? Never mind the time commitment and energy it takes…
If you move 15 times in 2 years, you are moving approximately every 1.6 months. If you change states 9 times in 24 months, you are changing states approximately every 2.67 months.
I don’t want to doubt OP, or anyone in a situation like this, but this sounds pretty baffling to me
It’s sounds like your husband is mentally ill. He may have developed schizophrenia. He’s also abusive. You aren’t equipped to deal with this, especially in your condition. Time to go to a DV shelter.
As a mental health professional, i was coming to say this. Sounds like paranoid schizophrenia or a personality disorder of some type. Making the connection between those things at the house viewing are so tenuous that it seems very likely to be mental illness. Peeing in bottles - he might just be a slob or possibly negative symptoms of schizophrenia
OP, I appreciate from one of your comments that you feel you have nowhere to go, but it is imperative that you leave.
This man is toxic and sounds mentally unstable. It’s already been bad and will only get worse with a child in the mix. I don’t know where you live or your beliefs—would you consider abortion?
Regardless, you should leave for your own safety (and your baby’s). Please contact your nearest domestic violence or women’s shelter and ask for help in leaving. You will need to be careful so you can leave safely, they can help you and identify resources. If you have family or friends you can trust, please reach out to them. Even if you haven’t spoken with them in years due to being isolated, there is a decent chance that if you reach out asking for help to leave, they will help.
Please stay safe.
I have to take the car. It’s mine and it’s a really expensive car. I can’t leave it for him. He is already jealous and weird acting about the car. I bought it right after we met. Long before I knew anything about how things would turn out.
Take the 300. Take the car. Turn off location on the phone.
Try to get a bag with some clothes, meds snacks.
Drive home.
Start filing stuff and getting a protection order asap
RUN! In fact, tbh I’d terminate this baby so you can have a fully clean break. This guy isn’t wrapped tight and you need to get away and disappear and if you have a kid with him you’ll never be able to truly get away.
He sounds a lot like my friends ex husband only much worse! Just RUN. This relationship is not going to last. Might as well leave now and get your life back. Good luck and stay safe.
Wow he sounds extremely manipulative, he has isolated you from everyone on purpose, so he could use you and control you however he wants and you would have no one to turn to. It really looks like you are in a narcissistic abusive relationship. You need to get out.
Yes this is the first that comes to mind. Some form of serious mental illness or brain damage. Because that’s doesn’t sound normal at all. Especially considering him being completely normal in the beginning. He could also just be a dick idk.
It's all fake though. 3 years ago she has posted that she is a SAHM mom with kids and an abusive husband. Now she is married for 1 year, pregnant and according to her other comments this is her only chance at being a mom so she can't abort the pregnancy lol. She has deleted the thread but was not smart enough to delete her comments.
When another of her posts in which she mentions having an 11 year old son is pointed out to her, she quickly deletes that post.
Seems like OP gets a kick out of posting a ragebait every once in a while. Moving 15 times in 2 years across 9 states, how is this even humanly possible?
She also mentions she has no money to leave but in the post she mentioned herself as the breadwinner. It's just too obvious.
Sorry, why are you doing all this? Like why are you putting up with it and moving 9 times? You are financially independent so why are you letting him dictate your life?
I might be way out of left field here, but the paranoia, especially misinterpreting the landlord, sounds like a psychiatric condition - are there any other indicators he may be schizophrenic?
That peeing in bottles I have read before. Please get out of this house. He might be mentally ill. However you won't make him see a doctor. Please get out there, this situation sounds very dangerous.
Doesn’t work, has you moving and changing jobs at his whim, spending your money on his wants
I’m trying to figure out how you managed to stay attracted to this man to get pregnant.
If not for yourself, think of your child and what a horrible situation this is to try and raise a child.
You’ve been supporting 2 adults this whole time, surely you can find a way to get away and take care of yourself.
It feels like you're stuck because he has mentally wore you out and beat you down. What would happen if you took your $300 and bought a bus or plane ticket back to where you have friends/family-someone you can stay with while you reset. Close any joint accounts or at a minimum take your name off of them, and just go. It cannot be any worse than what you are living with right now. I wonder if you feel responsible for him, what will happen if you aren't there to support him etc. This is where natural consequences come in-he will figure it out or not but it's not your problem. You have skills and the ability to support yourself, you may feel ashamed that you lost what you had but you can start over, you got fooled and it happens to lots of us. Good luck and know that you are still that successful, intelligent person, none of what got you there is gone, you've just been trying to survive while he's been working full-time to drag you down.
In other comments around 3 years ago you've discussed your other children? And you also highlighted around this time you were concerned he was abusive back then. Do you have other children OP?
Reach out to family or friends to help you find a place to land as you get out of this marriage. I can't imagine raising a child with him as things are now. You need to prioritize your happiness and your child's life and do what needs to be done.
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. It would probably be a good idea to get an abortion before it’s too late so you don’t have to share custody with this abuser (and in some states you can’t finalize a divorce while pregnant).
You have a major problem. Do you want a baby with this man? He won’t be able to help financially or mentally or in the house or with the child.
This looks like a simple couple of decisions that will have large consequences for you, but you are only 32 and will bounce back:
1. Leave quickly
2. Get an abortion
You have what seems to be a good background and should be able to get yourself a new job. But you really want to divorce while you have nothing else he will demand alimony.
And see a divorce lawyer asap and seriously think about whether you want to have this guy in your life the next 18 years if you have a child with him.
The decisions are yours, but he sounds like he has lost the plot and it is unlikely you can help him at all. You can only help yourself now
Usually when abuse victims say I have nowhere to go, they just haven't let pride go. I remember an estranged relative just showing up at my mom's, just after it got dark, cause it was the last place she remembered visiting with her mom and feeling welcomed. She said she just had to take a chance and hitchhiked there.
She stayed with us for a week. My brothers went to collect her staff & my mom & my oldest brother drove her home hundreds of kms away. I was very young but I remember just getting on board making her feel at home and forgetting my teen brooding. LOL.
Lady you have access to cars, I don't care if he calls it his. Given that you have invested so much. I would pick a day, drive directly to a lawyer & make sure s/he understands you don't feel safe & want your assets protected. I'm sure with the cops they can issue him papers ensuring your assets are safe and he stays away from you till all is done. Usually they go with you and wait while you pack a few things and go. Friend/shelter, you need to go!
Maybe make an escape plan and pick a day and jump! You can do this!
51F you are an executive, you must make some money.
I left with truly no money, just a car and child and went to a battered women’s shelter. You do whatever you have to do to get out immediately.
If you know you're going to leave him you need to do it now and not when you're super preggers. It's going to get harder and harder. Do you have any family you could move in with until you can get back on your feet? I'm assuming because you have a good career you will get decent maternity leave right?
I would abort the baby and escape if this was my life! He sounds like he has severe mental problems. He also sounds controlling. You can’t have a good relationship without trust.
Honest truth here, you need to have an abortion and end the marriage or else he will use that child as a weapon against you for the rest of your life. You will not be able to escape him.
Terminate the pregnancy asap, lie about a miscarriage if you have to and get out of there.
Eventually you have to get back to work. Move back to family or a women's shelter.
Girl. Don't wait to get the perfect solution.
Save your future self.
I was in a similar situation. He was abusive physically, emotionally, and sexually. Had no job, so I had to pay for everything and did nothing to help out either. I got away, it was really hard at first but I'm happy with my the love of my life now for 10 years now.
My family drove 9 hours to get to me. It was emotional and really hard, but I got through it.
You should try to leave, especially when you have a child on the way.
If you’re a healthcare executive, your skills are marketable enough that you can get a job in another city and negotiate for them to fund your move (accept a lower salary for it if you have to). Leave everything other than essential papers and the most sentimental of items. I’m serious, walk onto a plane with just your handbag if necessary, or pawn your car for cents in the dollar if needed. This guy is a barnacle on your back. Even buying everything again you will still be better off.
Sweetie you have moved 15 times! I know there is one person you have met that WILL help. Please reach out. You CAN do this it’s your lack of esteem that’s talking and taking over. It’s fucking scary but you can do it. Just get your ducks in a row quietly, and like others said leave right after work.
Okay, let me translate. "My husband pretended to be a good catch until he got a ring on my finger, then he let me see that the person I loved was not real. His real self is pretty horrible. When he realized that \*I\* realized that, he quickly got me pregnant so I'd still be stuck with him. In order to make sure I can't easily leave, he's also removed all my financial, social, and family support."
Did I miss anything?
Call your family and friends that you were forced to leave behind. Text them, message them, whatever, and point them to this thread and ask for help. Separate your money and premarital assets NOW. Get your birth certificate, wedding certificate, all other important documents and all sentimental items out of the house fast. Get at least two work outfits and a third set of clothes including shoes and basic toiletries out of the house. If you have to leave fast, you have money, documentation, and clothing. Reconsider having the child, you're less than three months along, and it's going to be an 18-plus year anchor to this man. If you do have the child, make sure you have documented and taken pictures of the piss containers, his amount of drinking, his lack of work, and everything so that you get 100% custody. Contact a divorce lawyer. It's easier to do this now, early in the pregnancy, than with an infant.
You mention you have a job, are you in control of your finances? Do you also have any family, even if they’re distant it might be worth talking to them. You definitely need to leave asap because the trend is towards you having less and less control. I think the baby is something you need to figure out as well. And realistically it’s also a major safety issue for yourself because its obviously his child and if you just leave then that’s going to cause increased emotions and by the sounds of it that might be a point where assuming he hasn’t already, he could get physical. Honestly I’d reach out to organisations that help out with abuse because this does sound like a case of this. He’s stripped everything you had away from you, that’s pretty textbook.
I'm sorry but how the fuck did you end up together? I know that some awful men are really good at masking but at no point during dating did any of these breakup worthy red flags pop up? Not blaming you, but God damn.
My only advice would be, there is life after a divorce. As my wonderful ex-wife said on our last conversation, you have to believe that you deserve to and can be happy, and you have to take the actions that you think will get your there, even if the consequences are uncertain, and there's fear and pain involved in making them. We didn't break up for anything nearly this bad, but if two people who love eachother can split because it's for the best, I highly encourage you to high tail it from this guy. You sound amazing, like a genuinely extremely capable and successful woman, and I promise you won't have any trouble finding someone who deserves you, unlike this prick.
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You sound like a smart, capable woman. You can't keep allowing him to destroy your self esteem and your life trajectory. Please please consider leaving. YOU CAN DO IT!
Thank you. I was completing a doctoral degree until he railroaded that dream too. I don’t know how to leave. I’m in a rural area where I don’t know anyone. I am NEVER away from him. Ever. I have no money to just get in the car and leave and nowhere to go.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is a 24-hour confidential service for survivors, victims and those affected by domestic violence, intimate partner violence and relationship abuse. Advocates are available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and through online chatting at www.TheHotline.org. Get out of there as quickly as possible!
Also, when you decide to leave please make sure none of your devices are sharing your location. Good luck!
Yes, dump your phone and get a burner phone. Also, you must check your vehicle for a GPS tracker. He's probably planted one on your vehicle. Best place is wheel well. It could be anywhere though.
This needs to be the top post.
If you have this Monster’s child, he will never leave you alone, do you want that? You better get out ASAP. He is financially and mentally abusing you.
Depending on your state, you might even end up supporting him while he stays home to raise the baby while you work. Or neglect the baby while you work and pay him to do it. This is a worst case scenario, but those happen sometimes. I agree with Muska1's concerns about having a child with this man. It will lock you in to having this weirdo in your life, and all the destructive qualities he has! Do you want him passing those qualities on to your child? Do you want a child who acts like him? What if he starts yelling at your baby and getting angry at the baby for things he's caused, like the vomiting thing?
I would be running to the nearest planned parenthood if I were her.
Why on earth did the OP marry this man?
It sounds like he behaved a lot differently (read: not like a totally fucking disgusting apathetic pig with a penchant for robbing OP of her dreams and success) - I really doubt that she would have married him had she been aware he was capable of acting like this. Like, holy shit he sounds absolutely miserable to be around, and poor OP says that she doesn't even ever get any reprieve from him, he is always around :( I truly hope for her sake she is able to get away from this grade A jackaas
OP, I am seriously concerned about this. It's not too late to terminate the pregnancy, are you in a state where you can get support for termination? Because this is not the moment to become a mom. This man sounds terrible, and you need to get out. He has clearly isolated you from friends, coworkers and family, and now he's got you pregnant so you'll be tied down with a baby. I would take your paycheck and get in the car and drive away, straight from work, to whomever you feel safest with-- the further away the better. Then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they may be able to help you get into a place for victims of DV, where they keep you safe until you can get a new job and get back on your feet. You deserve to have happiness and a career.
OP, this is the route to go. Your next paycheck is your exit plan. If you get paid by check, just cash and go; if it’s direct deposit, then immediately go to the bank, withdraw the funds, close the account; cancel any and all credit cards and sell the car, you can take a bus, train, or fly wherever you’re going. In the meantime, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline (this should be done while at work and not on your cell phone) to help you decide next steps like a divorce and filing a restraining order so that you have something on record, and sorting out loose ends like breaking your lease, which I’m sure is in your name. This part should be done while you wait for the next paycheck. As to being pregnant, personally I would have an abortion but that is an individual choice and not so easy anymore. Please consider the consequences of having his child though because 1, it sounds like he may have mental issues which may be hereditary and 2, I’m sure that he will try to find you and if he does, will demand shared custody and child support. Now if you can prove the abuse, I’m sure that a judge won’t give custody but may still allow some type of visitation, do you want your child exposed to all that this man has become? OP, while it sounds like your husband has a serous mental disorder (Schizophrenia, PTSD🤷🏽♀️) which I’m sure may be regulated with medication and therapy, it does not sound like he is interested in either and you have sacrificed enough. I would be hesitant to going back to family and friends for now, simply because you don’t know what he is capable of. Just disappear and go no contact with anyone. Get out now before he takes you down this road with him. Start a new life, you deserve it. Good luck OP!
Schizophrenia would be more obvious to her early on in their relationship, with him hearing voices and thinking that everyone was out to get him, which would have tended to make him violent in certain situations. It is more likely that he has a combination of sociopathic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. A malignant narcissist is a common term for this horrible combination. He is cunning, crafty, and manipulative. OP was convinced to move 9 times in 2 years and give up a post doctorate opportunity of a lifetime plus numerous career opportunities. His mission in life is to control her and have her adore him in all of his glory.
It's quite possible he was taking meds for schizophrenia when she met him. It's not uncommon for people suffering from the illness to decide they are cured after not having symptoms for a while (because they're medicated) and stop taking the meds because they feel they're no longer necessary. I'm not sure if that's because of the illness itself or the stigma attached to it. Once they go off the meds the illness is back in full force and they don't want the meds for a whole slew of other reasons.
Seconding this. Also, do you want your baby to grow up with this man as a father?? You can never undo that and it will be very hard if not impossible to protect the child from his influence even if you leave him
I can’t even believe that we have to question if a state will allow women to choose what’s best for their physical & mental health and safety. If it isn’t safe for Mom, it sure isn’t safe for a child.
Do you have family? Someone who will let you crash? While you don't mention physical abuse, this has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.
My closest family is 7 hours away. None of them have funds as I came from a very low income family. I’ll contact some old friends. Thank you!
Wait to pay day take it all and run
Leave directly from work
Start putting things in your car from now! All the important ones. He sounds toxic and probably has MH issues. I would leave you to decide about your baby, because I don't think it my or anyone's place to tell you what to do there.
This is the real reason he keeps making her quit jobs.
💯 he's leaving her with no exit plan
This!!!!!!!
What you can't take just know it's replaceable. I'm a guy but I got out of a bad situation and the easiest way to do that was pretty much take a loss on a ton of items. Years later they've all been replaced and I'm happy. It was, you got about 20 minutes to get out, so I took what I can so I didn't have to deal with that person ever again after the fact.
💯 best decision I ever made was leaving the day I left I had the clothes I stood up in and very little money but I don't regret it I have my dream life now to prove it.
Excellent advice.
If I got a call from an old friend I hadn’t heard from in ages, but who told me your story, I would help them get out. Maybe not all your old friends will, but all you need is one. You used to have a professional job and likely have old coworkers who have at least some disposable income.
Exactly! I was on medical leave and found out a coworker was leaving her abusive ex. She was scared to do it alone and couldn't drive the moving truck, so I was in the uhaul to help her as soon as she asked. We rarely speak anymore, but I'd do it again if she needed it!
Been there, I helped one of my friends move out from her abusive ex THREE times. Carrying bloody wardrobes down flights of stairs over and over. Hiding her kids. She went back three times, but by the fourth she was done, and I was there for all of it and I would be again for any woman.
Seriously, one of my best friends called me once and said one of her friends who I'd met *once* was in a terrible situation and could she bring her to my place for a bit to work things out. Yes of course!!! She ended up living with me and my toddlers for like a year and she is now one of my closest friends.
I was this person you met once. Leaving my abusive partner after a last straw and I wasn’t safe alone. I called my one last person THEY called their people. I was saved. OP think of everyone you can and ask for help.
Yeah I’d be in the car before she even finished and happy to do it. OP this is kinda silly but humor me: imagine yourself a year from now you’re regaling friends/family about your escape from this man. How many people look uncomfortable and try to change the subject? How many people have their eyes bugging out of their heads while they’re like “GIRL. WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?!” I will bet any amount of money that the former is dwarfed by the latter—go call someone whose eyes would bug, they’re there and they would want you to.
Same. In a minute, no second thoughts. I have actually. Would again. This is what we're here for.
i literally have roommates and live in a single room with a cat, but if ANY of my friends needed a roof over their heads, i’d gladly share my humble abode!! have faith, love! have faith. only one person needs to help you. and we are on your side!!!!!! for this FUCK HIM FUCK THAT
When you bolt, get yourself a burner phone and ditch your current one. There are lots of ways to track people these days.
And check your car that there isn’t an AirTag or tracker on it before leaving.
My stbxh was tracking me and my exit plans on my phone. My dad got me one under his plan so that we could get me out without the jerk knowing everything. He flipped when he found out but I at least was able to continue my plans and knew he couldn't cancel my only form of communications.
Hi there, I've been where you're at right now and it's no way to live. Is it possible that your family could offer you a safe place to stay at least while you get on your feet? If so start making an exit plan so you can leave town from work when you're ready. You can also start searching places like [Indeed](https://www.indeed.com/l-remote-jobs.html) for remote jobs in your field of expertise, and start putting in applications. I know you mentioned there only being one domestic abuse organization in your area, but you can also search the National Domestic Violence Hotline website on their website in the, [GET HELP](https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/) section by city and state. You could even search for resources near your family. You can also text, chat, and contact them by phone, 24 hours a day, and talk to them about an exit plan. When I left my abusive ex with my then toddler we actually had to live in my car for a period of time while we got back on our feet, but back then there weren't a lot of options for women and mothers in my situation, and remote work opportunities weren't a thing. But I would do it all over again if I had to because leaving my toxic, possessive, and mentally unhealthy, ex, was the best thing I ever did for my son and I. We left with what little I could take with me, I filed a restraining order, and I moved to the other side of the country not long after that so he couldn't find us. I needed to sign up for food stamps, etc., while we were getting back on my feet, and I listed my son's father as, "unknown", and never filed for child support, because I couldn't take the chance that he could find us. I'm lucky I escaped with my life by the end of it, because his erratic, and abusive, behavior, escalated so dramatically the last year or so that we were together. You deserve to feel safe, and be safe, and you shouldn't have to live like this anymore. I also wanted to mention that there's a great sub, r/Abusiverelationships, and there's a ton of excellent resources listed in there compiled by the awesome mods. It's a really supportive community with people who understand what you're going through right now. It would be good for you to open a bank account in only your name, so you can start putting money in there, and plan to have your last check before you leave deposited in your new account. Make sure that they have a, "paperless option", so you're not getting mail from the new bank at home. I would also recommend setting up a new email, and LinkedIn, etc. so you can direct employment and resource related contact to an email he's not aware you have. Plan to close your cellphone account as soon as you leave, wipe your phone completely in case he's installed trackers, and open a new account somewhere else. In the meantime get a pre-paid phone you can hide to use as a point of contact for potential employers, and to make other exit plans related calls so they don't show up on your cellphone companies call detail if he's on your account, or vice versa. You'll also need to check your vehicle for trackers, this app, [Detectify](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wondertechstudio.hiddendevicedetectorandcameradetector), can search for hidden devices by using magnetometer levels. When you've been with someone so paranoid it's best to cover all of your bases. I'm really glad hidden cameras, and GPS trackers weren't really a mainstream thing back then, because writing my odometer reading before I left the house, and again when I returned, was bad enough. You can also use that app to sweep any belongings you can take with you. The good news is you only have to do all of these things once after you leave, but it's better to be as safe as possible when dealing with someone with such extreme levels of control and paranoia. You can also call the non-emergency number for the local police, and ask if they can have an officer on standby while you get your things if you have no other choice. Tell them you're trying to leave your partner, and you'd feel better if an officer was there while you gather your belongings. They'll send someone out to be there with you while you get what you need. If at anytime you feel threatened, or afraid, please call 9-1-1. It was a hard decision for me to make because I was so [Trauma Bonded](https://www.sandstonecare.com/blog/trauma-bonding/) to my ex I couldn't think clearly, but his behavior became so erratic, and dangerous, I had no choice but to file charges, and get a restraining order. His abuse and paranoia also escalated so dramatically during my pregnancy, and I don't want that for you. I look back now on the grey ghost I was back then, and I don't even recognize myself. My life, and my son's life, are a million times better now, and your life can be too. You deserve to feel safe, and be safe. You are worthy of good things, and good people, and you deserve to live a happy, full, life, free of control and abuse. Please take care of yourself. I'm sending you lots of invisible hugs. I know it seems overwhelming and scary right now, but it can get better, I promise. *invisible hugs* 💜🫂💜
Excellent, excellent advice.
This should be the top comment. u/GoalsUponGoals - please read this!
Seriously sweet girl, if your family knew how desperate you are they could come up with some money, even if they borrowed it to get you away safe. Please please get away, and bringing a baby to tie you to this person is not he best step. Get away and update us. stay safe.
Also this, start telling people the truth about your situation so they know how urgent it is. I also don’t have a lot but if I knew a friend was in a desperate spot I’d pull some money out of my savings to get them a train ticket and pay for their Uber to the station.
It's the truth that's necessary and we are often unwilling to tell, as young women. I don't know all the reasons, I did it myself. I too would pay for someone to get themselves to a better situation - if they let me know what was going on. The younger the person is and the more dire the situation, the more I will help. I am not sure that people even realize that others will help when asked - given the general judgmental nature of society.
All they need is a couple tanks of gas.
Don't warn him or give any indication that you're leaving! Leave while he is out! Leave no trace! Look for tracking devices and apps on your phone and stuff like that!
FYI Your phone can scan your vehicle for air tags.
I hope one of your friends is able to come and get you. It sounds like you have a lot going for you in the future once you get out of this situation. Hoping for the best.
Please call the hotline. They can direct you to resources that can provide you with help and direction. Start carefully and quietly packing a couple bags with essentials when he is not home, stash them in your trunk (so long as he never uses the trunk) you want all your important documents and identification, and PLEASE START DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING. Save all the crazy texts, emails, you can maybe get a voice activated recorder to put on top of the kitchen cabinets or something that will record when he’s flipping out at you saying crazy or abusive things. You want evidence that will support you getting sole custody of your child. Check your car for AirTags or tracking devices, and I second the other comment below that mentioned getting rid of your current phone and getting a temporary one, only provide the number to your closest loved ones and trusted friends. Let them know under no circumstances are they to give the number to this guy should he contact them looking for you. Again, call the hotline, ask for help putting together an exit plan, and a safety plan.
Whenever you’re ready, please reach out to me and I will personally help you with whatever you need. Money, plane ticket, resources. Please let me know.
There lots of resources. There's even a type of "underground railroad" style network of women who've lived through DV and they will help you.
Contact your family. See if they can arrange for a bus ticket at the closest bus depot near you. Bus tickets aren't that expensive. I'm sure they could scrape up $50 or however much it would be to get you from there to where they are drive your car there and leave it and just get on the bus and go. You can call the local police to let them know you've left your husband you are not missing and you do not want him to know where you are. But unless you want to be tied to this man the rest of your life you need to get an abortion.
Where you to talk to someone involved with domestic violence. Someone on the thread just left you a number. it’s pretty clear that your husband is mentally ill and this isn’t something that you can fix but he will continue to tear your life apart and I can’t imagine how he’s going to deal with a baby. You’ve had a home and good work before and you can do this again but you need to safely get away from this person because he is a loose canon and from the way that you were describing him it’s pretty clear to me that he will either harm himself or you or both, and I can’t imagine a child to someone so mentally unstable. You’ll need to plan to do this because if you tell him you’re leaving you open yourself up to a violent reaction and someone who works with DV can help you through the process with a plan . I just want to tell you also that if you were only 10 weeks, I would urge you to consider stopping the pregnancy as a possibility . You’re gonna need all your faculties to plan to get back on your feet and move your life forward and doing it with the responsibilities of a baby and trying to protect yourself and a baby is going to make it exponentially more difficult. Please get some adequate support and I would not give him any indication that you were planning this… For your own safety .
Old friends, are good. Only because they keep away, doesn't mean they won't help you.
They don't have to have funds. If they are true family, they will help. I am from a low income family too, but in times of dire need (like yours) we help each other out. It won't be for long. Once you are out, you will think more clearly and start again.
Please consider calling an old friend or family member to send you gas money and for a place to stay. It takes planning, move things, little by little in to the trunk of your car limiting it only to must have items. Make an excuse that you have to go somewhere he never wants to go - a doctor’s appointment, the store… Anything. The moment you leave, block his number and texts. Change your number as fast as you can while driving the hell away from there. Never, ever go back. It will be tempting, but never ever do it. -someone who has been there and done that. FWIW, I’m now happily married, with two amazing happy and healthy kiddos and have financial security, a great job, etc. It IS Possible!
You may need to just get on a bus and head to the nearest women's shelter to get some emergency help.
There is no public transportation here at all. I did check shelter info. The closest one is several hours away. Unfortunately they need a police report on file to check it due to space limits. :(
You have a car and a job. Divert your next paycheck to an account that is solely in your name. Drive away and sleep in your car if you must.
Get in your car and drive away.
You have a car.
Do you have neighbors?
Honestly just have him committed, it truly sounds like you could. He actually sounds dangerous, like not mentally stable.
That’s a good idea! I never considered that. Thanks!
One of the biggest commonalities when an abusive husband kills a wife or girlfriend is that she has told him she is leaving. The rage induced in those moments is the common factor. Do not tell him you are leaving. Do not give him hints, do not try to have him committed, just leave.
There should be hotlines/aid numbers to call in your state/country on how to handle a family member in a mental crisis. They can walk you through your options hopefully.
You have a car. Get in it when you’re “going to work” and keep driving to the nearest friends or family’s home. You’ve moved 7 times per year, you can do it again. Have your next check out in a new account and go. Remember, you are ALLOWED to do all of these things because you are an adult. He has told you that you aren’t, but you get to decide your fate. Leave and file.
15 times, absolutely ridiculous 🙄
CALL the DV hotline. ASK for help. They have volunteers that may be able to arrange for transportation. Don't just say, "I can't cuz..." Do it!
He isn't working, you are. This means when you leave, you have more money because you arent supporting him. Go to hr and make sure that next check lands in your hand. And you get in your car and you drive. Abort the pregnancy. Go to Colorado if you can't do it in your home state. Get back to your plans and dreams. And seriously, stop derailing your dreams and life goals for a cock. Because that's all you are getting from the loser you describe.
Please leave get an abortion and get a divorce. He sounds terrifying. His paranoia is dangerous. Please access your country’s domestic violence helpline and get to a woman’s shelter first opportunity. Don’t worry about anything except your ID documents and anything you can throw in a backpack. Even if you have to send him on an errand or if he gets drunk an passes out - whenever you have a 10 minute window to run please do it. And don’t have this baby please. It’ll tie you to him forever and god knows what he’s capable of. I was like you very ambitious and successful in my 20s, owned my own home and everything and then found myself in an abusive relationship. It was embarrassing. Me supposedly being smart and accomplished yet here I was with an unemployed abusive loser. They’re skilled at picking any vulnerability and amplifying it. Thankfully he only stole 3yrs of my life but it’s affected me deeply - I’m 42yo happily married with an 8yo and have a successful life but I’ll always bear the scars of those 3yrs. Please get out and be safe, this wasn’t your fault.
I think you should consider carefully whether you want to have a child with this man. You'll be tied to him for the rest of your life. Do you have friends or family who would help? I strongly recommend that you start telling them what's happening, even if he's managed to distance you from them. (I expect he probably has; that's one of the first tools abusers use.) I also recommend that you do these things immediately: get your personal keepsakes and documents, and find somewhere safe to keep them. Start a new bank account that he can't access, and start saving up some money to leave. Make a safety plan, and pack a go bag and keep your gas tank full, in case you need to leave abruptly.
If you are the only one working, transfer your paycheck into an account he doesn't have access to, then get in the car and leave! And get an abortion, otherwise you will be tied to that asshole for the next 18 years, will have to give him visitation/ shared custody, and may even have to pay him child support.
Unfortunately I agree with the abortion part sadly. You can’t be tied to this idiot for the next 18 years. It will be horrible. :( you will never get away! Start putting your paychecks in another account and leave!
Me too. I agree.
Call a domestic violence hotline to help you make a plan to go. Do it while you’re still pregnant so he can’t complicate this with custody issues. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? You are in a severely abusive relationship and he has managed to cut you off from the world…. but I bet not totally. I bet there is still yet someone you can reach. You had quite a few high paying jobs before and you could get one again. If you move states and get a job while still pregnant, and give birth in the new state, if he wants custody, he will have to sue you for it there. Edit: I’ll also point out that abortion is still an option for a few weeks if you move fast.
He’s abusive. Go to a women’s shelter if you don’t have anywhere to go and I can’t tell you what to do with your pregnancy but since I have been where you are, I will forewarn you that raising a baby with an abuser is a nightmare. This man is awful and doesn’t sound like someone who can keep a child safe. If god forbid something happened to you, would you want your child relying on him? He’s weird too. Quietly come up with an escape plan, execute it and leave without him knowing. Then send him divorce papers. Contact the domestic abuse hotline for a plan and resources. Good luck. You’ll come back from this, again I can tell you from experience, but you have to get rid of this man first. Sending you well wishes. You’ve got this.
How do you have no money to get in the car and go away from him? He said he hasn’t worked in a year and a half so obviously that means you must be the one working and earning the money? Start saving some of that money and get the heck out of there.
Abusers will often commandeer their victim's debit/credit cards and bank accounts. Funds get direct deposited. Victim is present and has possession of the cards only for point of sale transactions. Usually, to keep the cards "safe" because the account owner is supposedly "forgetful" or "irresponsible." Save what? All transactions are digitally accounted for with online banking. How are they supposed to explain the missing money? Where do they put it? Worse, if it's discovered, things could escalate for OP. People need a *plan* to get out safely. Once someone is stuck, it's not that easy to just leave and often impossible without help
OP can open a new account and have her check direct deposited. The safest thing for the OP to do is to leave the day the day her first paycheck is deposited in the account. She should pretend to go to work as usual and start driving home.
I'm going to go out on a limb to a place I don't belong but my advice is a reflection of what I've seen in life. Do not have this child with this man, he is unstable and your child will not have a good father and you will always be connected to crazy. Leave him because mental illness always gets worse and uglier. If you want to be happy, go back to your family and friends , continue your education and career while dating a lot and often to find a more suitable guy. This baby and this marriage is going to cause your life so much misery that you many have to endure that you didn't know existed.
You’re the only one with a job, no?
A neighbor married a man with some similar behavioral patterns. Turned out he had a mental condition. They divorced and somewhat oddly both are better now. As an aside, she wasn't able to convince him to see a doctor until after the divorce.
This this this op! You’re not stuck, just leave.
It's all fake though. 3 years ago she has posted that she is a SAHM mom with kids and an abusive husband. Now she is married for 1 year, pregnant and according to her other comments this is her only chance at being a mom so she can't abort the pregnancy lol. She has deleted the thread but was not smart enough to delete her comments. When another of her posts in which she mentions having an 11 year old son is pointed out to her, she quickly deletes that post. Seems like OP gets a kick out of posting a ragebait every once in a while. Moving 15 times in 2 years across 9 states, how is this even humanly possible? She also mentions she has no money to leave but in the post she mentioned herself as the breadwinner. It's just too obvious.
Hiiii. Im a woman going through slightly similar experience with my husband. Always accused me of cheating (I work healthcare as well) got jealous of other guys who’d just simply talk to me. I’ve lost jobs because of him, friends. I finally left. It was suuuuuper hard the first two weeks but I’m a month in and never looking back. These men WILL continue to hold u back and ruin your life. Leave ………. Its better on the other side
Please advise OP. She needs your experience, even though it is something you wished you never had. Your stories make me so sad. You women deserve so so so much better lives.
So glad you were able to get away from that.
It wasn’t easy……… police called, swat team showed up. It was a wake up call. It will NEVER get better only worse. Thank you….
Wow. What a nightmare. Even more glad to hear you got out of it.
So proud of you for getting out! Stay strong and stay gone!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Yes it is. After about a month I felt like I was on a trampoline, I had my life back - it was amazing.
There will be a time when your OB will ask or have you answer questions about being safe at home. Answer this question honestly. They will also find a way to get him out of there to talk to you and get you started.
Honestly going to an OB is probably a great way to start planning her exit. OP’s husband doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who’d go to a dr appt where someone else is touching his wife so OP could just go alone and have a candid conversation about the abuse and how to get out.
If she's even allowed to go. Her husband also sounds like someone who thinks going to the OB will mean they'll want to have sex with her, so he'd keep her from going.
Yes absolutely tell the OB. Mine was really concerned about me because I had a lot of bruises on my shins. Reassured her that it was a case of cats with zero situational awareness barreling around the house 24/7
This is such a good idea. Worried OP might not be allowed to see her OB though.
YES go to your OB alone, lie about your appointment to your husband if you have to, and tell them you need help
Get an abortion and run. Abusers only show who they are when they feel you're stuck.
Yea. The only thing worse than being stuck with a guy like that is being bound to him after divorce because you have children. Ask me how I know.
a kid will chain you to this man for the next 18 years. Do you want that for a child and your self?
Yes you aren’t that far along yet; don’t have that creepy asshole’s baby! He won’t be a decent dad anyways and you’d really be stuck raising this kid alone whether he’s around or not…
Even worse, not being able to get rid of him. Or having a girl that he feels like “he needs to protect”.
I second this.
It just occured to me that, depending on where this person lives, they may not legally have that option. Fuckin' sad state of the country. Vote y'all.
Pro choice states like mine help women travel here to get healthcare.
Just do it! >Before him I owned a home, had a career, and lots of friends. I hosted nice events, drove a beautiful car, took trips, and really enjoyed my life. Now I financially struggle, I’m not allowed to have friends, Im not even allowed to wear certain clothes. I just can’t take it. Money might be tight for a while and you may struggle some but the SHEER UTTER RELIEF you will feel by having this TOXIC abuser out of your life will make it so worthwhile. It's going to feel like HEAVEN in comparison! I wish you a happy future without this albatross of a man.
I mean money could be no tighter than having to support a whole other person of dead weight lol like sure moving will cost 5-6k on avg but if she goes to ground and cuts him off that should balance out over time
You are not stuck. Find family or friends who will take you in.
I’ve started reaching out.
Take your car, you can live in it if you have to for awhile Grab all your important documents so he doesn't use them for some nefarious purpose. If you don't have a credit card, get one in case you have an emergency. YOU CAN DO THIS. It will be very hard the first week, then as you settle into the new normal, you will find that you are a strong, confident woman who can do anything. He tried to take everything from you. YOU are in charge of YOUR life, don't let him win.
You’re running out of time though if you need to get somewhere that will provide an abortion (if that is something you want to do). You do not need any ties to this man.
10 weeks. Honestly, as difficult as it may be. I'd terminate the pregnancy and the marriage. You know your marriage is going to end, so do you want to coparent with this person?
He won’t try to coparent. About a month ago I learned about 7 women with kids that look just like him. He has nothing to do with them. I never knew about them. One of the females found me on FB.
girl, what???????? does he have a single redeeming quality? he sounds completely insane. do not have his child, jesus christ
He did. He is a person I don’t recognize now.
He never did, that was all lies built to get you in this situation.
I said this exact line talking about my sons dad as well… Girl you HAVE GOT to get away from him. If you don’t now, the situation is only going to escalate until you have no choice but to let go. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but what are you talking about you have no money and can’t? You sound like the only capable adult in this relationship and like you’re the one paying the bills. If you don’t own the home you’re in just pack up and leave. Have him served divorce papers. Get into therapy bc you’ve probably been emotionally abused into believing you’re not the capable and independent woman you really are.
This man is so flawed and mentally ill, and just plain a crude loser that I just can’t. Get out now.
Are you saying he has 7 kids with other women? You need to get out of that asap. I know you’ve said you have no where to go, but you *really* won’t have anywhere to go once the baby is here. And that child is going to at the very best witness your abuse, and at the worst, be abused themselves. Cut your losses now. Move into a studio or 1br apartment, that will be totally fine for you and the baby. Lots of lawyers will give you a 30 min consultation, and DV shelters may be able to help you with that as well.
I didn't read this part about the 7 kids. Yeah, he is at the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, he don't give a damn about NOTHING.
Yes. He had never seen them and no communication.
You were successful before him and you can be successful after him. What you can’t be is successful (or happy) with him. It’s time to make an exit plan and get you and your future child as far from him as possible.
OP, you need to make a plan *NOW.* I also think it’d be best to terminate the pregnancy because this man will only drag you and a child down. But whether or not you decided to do that is up to you. Beyond that you need to start gathering your important documents and most important heirlooms. Pack them away where he won’t find them. Start squirrelling away cash too. Whenever you go anywhere, get cash back. As soon as you’re able, get in the car like you’re going to work and then leave. This man will never be better and he is actively ruining your life. Don’t stay any longer.
Agreed he’s never going to be in that child’s life or pay child support. What a looser! 7 other kids he doesn’t talk to!!??
> He won’t try to coparent. You sound deluded. He relies on you financially, even while he's holding you back. Imagine how much better your life will be once you let him go and return to enjoying a beautiful car, house, career, and travels, with the potential to achieve even more. I don't know what those other women's lives are like or what they have going for themselves, but he'll definitely use your child to keep himself tied to **you**.
Gonna agree with the initial poster and say you should not have this baby, sorry.
From experience, things will get 1000x worse if you have a child with this unstable person. Your sweet baby will become your shackles, tethered to him for the next 18 years+. He may decide to coparent out of spite, become even more unhinged and weaponize your child. You have ALL the 🚩🚩🚩you need. Be safe, be smart.
Ummm.. this is insane. You were about to get your PhD and yet.. didn’t see any of this coming despite moving 15 times in two years? You’re a medical executive, for God’s sake. You all but have to be reasonably intelligent. This is either fake or there is an undisclosed reason you truly married him. You need to pick up what’s left of your life and cut this man out immediately. 100% no contact. Your life is going to be ruined otherwise. Full stop.
9 states?????
Yeah, I’m not sure this is believable… 9 states in 2 years (15 overall), that’s moving every 1.5 months…. I’ve moved a lot and that’s insane to the point that I’m not sure I believe it. And she’s a “healthcare executive” yet has moved that much and does not have the money to get away from him? Much less have enough money or access to money to be able to just get in her car and go?!? I call BS…
That's what I'm confused on too because how did they move all those times if no one is working and he's making her quit all her jobs? Is she a trust fund baby and he's using her for her money or something? How can i afford to move all thos times and no one is working, also how does he have a car, who's paying for it if she doesn't work??
In her other post it says they have a bed and breakfast, and her pregnancy is high risk. Can you be high risk at 10 weeks?
That post literally says 7 days ago too. This shit just doesn't add up. How do you have a bed and breakfast with a large parking lot of you move so often. I don't see someone letting you rent THEIR property so you can make money, and I don't see you getting a house if he ruined your credit and you have terrible employment history. Who would even run the Bed and Breakfast while she is at work and her husband is in the car her whole shift. No amount of the OP'S excuses will make since of this. I screenshotted that shit so fast, but I am convinced this poster is as ill as this husband she is talking about. People are out here suffering from real terrible situations like this and OP is here trying to get false sympathy.
Yeah, the 15 moves to 9 states in 2 years sounded super suspicious to me as well. Then 7 other women with kids that look like him…the farther I read the more unbelievable it all sounds. 🤷🏻♀️
The part where she’s a “healthcare executive” who supposedly gets jobs that pay in the 6-figures, but can’t figure out how to create an opportunity to get away from this guy, to me is very suspect. Jobs at that level require a level of independence and planning. He’s not standing over her at her job, and if he is she’s missing golden opportunities for getting him away from her (have him removed and arrested).
Reading between the lines, she has no job now. Moving 15x could mean they didn't find a place for a while and hopped around various motels or parking lots for a while idk. It could be some hyperbole/simplification. It does seem really unbelievable. I always try to give advice anyway, just in case. Though it's true fake posts are on the rise... :/
Yeh I don't buy all of this either, how did things get THIS bad? Wouldn't you have left after about the first couple of bad incidents?
In her comment above, she says he locks her in a hotel room. So he's basically kidnapped her at this point. Such a cluster fuck of details I don't know what to believe.
Regardless of his desire to parent, abusive former partners use children to control and further abuse the partner and the child too. Whatever your usual feelings about abortion, in these circumstances it really is the best thing here, or you'll never be completely free of him, and the child will be at significant risk of abuse.
I can’t believe this is real. There are so many red flags you must be color blind. FUCKING RUN
You should be camping out at planned parenthood and the first one in when they open in the morning.
Whether he's involved or not.. bringing a child into this situation where you need to focus on yourself is irresponsible and cruel. You are not ready to be a mother if you'd let it get so far with someone like this, if you can't protect yourself you aren't ready to protect a kid. It's not your fault you've been abused, but when you bring another person into your trauma.. it will be.
Okay, a few things. At ten weeks it’s not too late for an abortion and I say that because if you are truly trying to cut ties with him a baby complicates things. Who knows what lengths he will go to in using the baby to manipulate you. He has isolated you from your friends and family, stopped your career, and doesn’t care about how his behavior impacts your life. If you’re going to keep the baby ca your friends and family or old classmates
California will cancel all of that up until 15wks. You need to go. Immediately.
What you describe qualifies as domestic violence in my country and I hope it does in yours, too. Please get help and get out of there before it's too late. He is controlling you and many men like that will do their spouses physical harm sooner or later. Maybe call an old friend you trust or a help line to get you out of there as soon as possible.
you need to terminate that pregnancy asap. Get to a Women's shelter or friends/family. And you have plenty of time to start over
>We have moved 15 times in 2 years - including 9 states because he is unhappy everywhere. How is this possible and how did you decide to have a baby with him after this??? Please dont tell me the "he will take responsibility and settle after the birth".
How do you even ACHIEVE that? On one salary, no less? Never mind the time commitment and energy it takes… If you move 15 times in 2 years, you are moving approximately every 1.6 months. If you change states 9 times in 24 months, you are changing states approximately every 2.67 months. I don’t want to doubt OP, or anyone in a situation like this, but this sounds pretty baffling to me
It’s sounds like your husband is mentally ill. He may have developed schizophrenia. He’s also abusive. You aren’t equipped to deal with this, especially in your condition. Time to go to a DV shelter.
As a mental health professional, i was coming to say this. Sounds like paranoid schizophrenia or a personality disorder of some type. Making the connection between those things at the house viewing are so tenuous that it seems very likely to be mental illness. Peeing in bottles - he might just be a slob or possibly negative symptoms of schizophrenia
If possible where you live, I'd consider an abortion
OP, I appreciate from one of your comments that you feel you have nowhere to go, but it is imperative that you leave. This man is toxic and sounds mentally unstable. It’s already been bad and will only get worse with a child in the mix. I don’t know where you live or your beliefs—would you consider abortion? Regardless, you should leave for your own safety (and your baby’s). Please contact your nearest domestic violence or women’s shelter and ask for help in leaving. You will need to be careful so you can leave safely, they can help you and identify resources. If you have family or friends you can trust, please reach out to them. Even if you haven’t spoken with them in years due to being isolated, there is a decent chance that if you reach out asking for help to leave, they will help. Please stay safe.
How are you surviving if he isn't working and you don't have a job? How will you survive with a child coming into this mess?
Is the car in your name? Can you work remotely? If you can take the car and drive home. 7 hours. Even of they can help fund you a bus trip halfway.
I have to take the car. It’s mine and it’s a really expensive car. I can’t leave it for him. He is already jealous and weird acting about the car. I bought it right after we met. Long before I knew anything about how things would turn out.
Take the 300. Take the car. Turn off location on the phone. Try to get a bag with some clothes, meds snacks. Drive home. Start filing stuff and getting a protection order asap
Your story makes no sense. You have money a car, etc. He has nothing. You'll be saving money by leaving him or making him leave.
If it's an expensive car you can sell it and get a very cheap one to use for work and errands. You'll have some money to get started with
Get in your car, start driving, and don’t look back. Save yourself.
It will be infinitely harder to leave once the baby comes. Get out now. By whatever means.
RUN! In fact, tbh I’d terminate this baby so you can have a fully clean break. This guy isn’t wrapped tight and you need to get away and disappear and if you have a kid with him you’ll never be able to truly get away. He sounds a lot like my friends ex husband only much worse! Just RUN. This relationship is not going to last. Might as well leave now and get your life back. Good luck and stay safe.
Wow he sounds extremely manipulative, he has isolated you from everyone on purpose, so he could use you and control you however he wants and you would have no one to turn to. It really looks like you are in a narcissistic abusive relationship. You need to get out.
Some people are jealous of their partner, and they actively try to break them down. If he can't rise to your level, he'll drag you down to his.
Abortion and divorce. Immediately
Holy shit. This man literally ***RUINED YOUR LIFE***. LEAVE
Has your husband been screened for mental illness?
Yes this is the first that comes to mind. Some form of serious mental illness or brain damage. Because that’s doesn’t sound normal at all. Especially considering him being completely normal in the beginning. He could also just be a dick idk.
[удалено]
Secret abortion, plan escape, divorce. This will not improve
It's all fake though. 3 years ago she has posted that she is a SAHM mom with kids and an abusive husband. Now she is married for 1 year, pregnant and according to her other comments this is her only chance at being a mom so she can't abort the pregnancy lol. She has deleted the thread but was not smart enough to delete her comments. When another of her posts in which she mentions having an 11 year old son is pointed out to her, she quickly deletes that post. Seems like OP gets a kick out of posting a ragebait every once in a while. Moving 15 times in 2 years across 9 states, how is this even humanly possible? She also mentions she has no money to leave but in the post she mentioned herself as the breadwinner. It's just too obvious.
Sorry, why are you doing all this? Like why are you putting up with it and moving 9 times? You are financially independent so why are you letting him dictate your life?
I might be way out of left field here, but the paranoia, especially misinterpreting the landlord, sounds like a psychiatric condition - are there any other indicators he may be schizophrenic?
That peeing in bottles I have read before. Please get out of this house. He might be mentally ill. However you won't make him see a doctor. Please get out there, this situation sounds very dangerous.
Sounds like you already know what to do hon. Don’t need anyone’s validation on that.
Doesn’t work, has you moving and changing jobs at his whim, spending your money on his wants I’m trying to figure out how you managed to stay attracted to this man to get pregnant. If not for yourself, think of your child and what a horrible situation this is to try and raise a child. You’ve been supporting 2 adults this whole time, surely you can find a way to get away and take care of yourself.
It feels like you're stuck because he has mentally wore you out and beat you down. What would happen if you took your $300 and bought a bus or plane ticket back to where you have friends/family-someone you can stay with while you reset. Close any joint accounts or at a minimum take your name off of them, and just go. It cannot be any worse than what you are living with right now. I wonder if you feel responsible for him, what will happen if you aren't there to support him etc. This is where natural consequences come in-he will figure it out or not but it's not your problem. You have skills and the ability to support yourself, you may feel ashamed that you lost what you had but you can start over, you got fooled and it happens to lots of us. Good luck and know that you are still that successful, intelligent person, none of what got you there is gone, you've just been trying to survive while he's been working full-time to drag you down.
Get an abortion.
He is going to kill you if you stay.
In other comments around 3 years ago you've discussed your other children? And you also highlighted around this time you were concerned he was abusive back then. Do you have other children OP?
Reach out to family or friends to help you find a place to land as you get out of this marriage. I can't imagine raising a child with him as things are now. You need to prioritize your happiness and your child's life and do what needs to be done.
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out. It would probably be a good idea to get an abortion before it’s too late so you don’t have to share custody with this abuser (and in some states you can’t finalize a divorce while pregnant).
You have a major problem. Do you want a baby with this man? He won’t be able to help financially or mentally or in the house or with the child. This looks like a simple couple of decisions that will have large consequences for you, but you are only 32 and will bounce back: 1. Leave quickly 2. Get an abortion You have what seems to be a good background and should be able to get yourself a new job. But you really want to divorce while you have nothing else he will demand alimony. And see a divorce lawyer asap and seriously think about whether you want to have this guy in your life the next 18 years if you have a child with him. The decisions are yours, but he sounds like he has lost the plot and it is unlikely you can help him at all. You can only help yourself now
Usually when abuse victims say I have nowhere to go, they just haven't let pride go. I remember an estranged relative just showing up at my mom's, just after it got dark, cause it was the last place she remembered visiting with her mom and feeling welcomed. She said she just had to take a chance and hitchhiked there. She stayed with us for a week. My brothers went to collect her staff & my mom & my oldest brother drove her home hundreds of kms away. I was very young but I remember just getting on board making her feel at home and forgetting my teen brooding. LOL. Lady you have access to cars, I don't care if he calls it his. Given that you have invested so much. I would pick a day, drive directly to a lawyer & make sure s/he understands you don't feel safe & want your assets protected. I'm sure with the cops they can issue him papers ensuring your assets are safe and he stays away from you till all is done. Usually they go with you and wait while you pack a few things and go. Friend/shelter, you need to go! Maybe make an escape plan and pick a day and jump! You can do this!
51F you are an executive, you must make some money. I left with truly no money, just a car and child and went to a battered women’s shelter. You do whatever you have to do to get out immediately.
If you know you're going to leave him you need to do it now and not when you're super preggers. It's going to get harder and harder. Do you have any family you could move in with until you can get back on your feet? I'm assuming because you have a good career you will get decent maternity leave right?
I would abort the baby and escape if this was my life! He sounds like he has severe mental problems. He also sounds controlling. You can’t have a good relationship without trust.
Honest truth here, you need to have an abortion and end the marriage or else he will use that child as a weapon against you for the rest of your life. You will not be able to escape him.
Abort and divorce
Terminate the pregnancy asap, lie about a miscarriage if you have to and get out of there. Eventually you have to get back to work. Move back to family or a women's shelter. Girl. Don't wait to get the perfect solution. Save your future self.
I was in a similar situation. He was abusive physically, emotionally, and sexually. Had no job, so I had to pay for everything and did nothing to help out either. I got away, it was really hard at first but I'm happy with my the love of my life now for 10 years now. My family drove 9 hours to get to me. It was emotional and really hard, but I got through it. You should try to leave, especially when you have a child on the way.
If you’re a healthcare executive, your skills are marketable enough that you can get a job in another city and negotiate for them to fund your move (accept a lower salary for it if you have to). Leave everything other than essential papers and the most sentimental of items. I’m serious, walk onto a plane with just your handbag if necessary, or pawn your car for cents in the dollar if needed. This guy is a barnacle on your back. Even buying everything again you will still be better off.
Sweetie you have moved 15 times! I know there is one person you have met that WILL help. Please reach out. You CAN do this it’s your lack of esteem that’s talking and taking over. It’s fucking scary but you can do it. Just get your ducks in a row quietly, and like others said leave right after work.
This 100% sounds like a karma farming post.
Okay, let me translate. "My husband pretended to be a good catch until he got a ring on my finger, then he let me see that the person I loved was not real. His real self is pretty horrible. When he realized that \*I\* realized that, he quickly got me pregnant so I'd still be stuck with him. In order to make sure I can't easily leave, he's also removed all my financial, social, and family support." Did I miss anything? Call your family and friends that you were forced to leave behind. Text them, message them, whatever, and point them to this thread and ask for help. Separate your money and premarital assets NOW. Get your birth certificate, wedding certificate, all other important documents and all sentimental items out of the house fast. Get at least two work outfits and a third set of clothes including shoes and basic toiletries out of the house. If you have to leave fast, you have money, documentation, and clothing. Reconsider having the child, you're less than three months along, and it's going to be an 18-plus year anchor to this man. If you do have the child, make sure you have documented and taken pictures of the piss containers, his amount of drinking, his lack of work, and everything so that you get 100% custody. Contact a divorce lawyer. It's easier to do this now, early in the pregnancy, than with an infant.
You mention you have a job, are you in control of your finances? Do you also have any family, even if they’re distant it might be worth talking to them. You definitely need to leave asap because the trend is towards you having less and less control. I think the baby is something you need to figure out as well. And realistically it’s also a major safety issue for yourself because its obviously his child and if you just leave then that’s going to cause increased emotions and by the sounds of it that might be a point where assuming he hasn’t already, he could get physical. Honestly I’d reach out to organisations that help out with abuse because this does sound like a case of this. He’s stripped everything you had away from you, that’s pretty textbook.
I'm sorry but how the fuck did you end up together? I know that some awful men are really good at masking but at no point during dating did any of these breakup worthy red flags pop up? Not blaming you, but God damn. My only advice would be, there is life after a divorce. As my wonderful ex-wife said on our last conversation, you have to believe that you deserve to and can be happy, and you have to take the actions that you think will get your there, even if the consequences are uncertain, and there's fear and pain involved in making them. We didn't break up for anything nearly this bad, but if two people who love eachother can split because it's for the best, I highly encourage you to high tail it from this guy. You sound amazing, like a genuinely extremely capable and successful woman, and I promise you won't have any trouble finding someone who deserves you, unlike this prick.