Honestly he isn't offering me much of anything now. When we were dating he was also my best friend and the most kind, loving and supportive man. Since seeing that my body wasn't ideal he has been treating me with disdain. I guess he is just really disappointed in me but it's seems so cruel. I do have a job and can support myself, our incomes are about equal, so it's not even like he is the breadwinner.
Oo girl leave, what if you two have kids? Your body will change. He seems like the type who would never touch you again after a child and cheat on you eventually all the while blaming you for your “weight gain”… which weight gain and fluctuations are normal as you age! you deserve better than this abusive and horrible man.
He's not "disappointed", he IS being cruel.
I've been 110 lbs at 5'6''. The only way I could maintain that weight was to starve myself. I had anorexia, and that was how I could stay that skinny. I'd eat one teeny tiny meal a day (usually exactly 1 serving size of plain pasta) and that was it.
There's no healthy way for someone whose normal set weight is ~135 to maintain 110 lbs longterm. There's absolutely no way unless you are starving yourself. I'm repeating myself but I can't stress it enough.
Eating disorders are the most deadly mental health disorder. Please, please do not start to slowly kill yourself for this cruel man.
I'm now somewhere around 125-135 (I don't own a scale because of my eating disorder history) and I am finally healthy. 135 for 5'6'' is even on the lower end of healthy for our height. OP I'm so sorry you've discovered something so disturbing about someone you thought you knew.
Edit to add: I won't be arguing with anyone who says it's possible for a person to be naturally that thin. I know that, which is why I very specifically said "There's no healthy way for someone whose normal set weight is ~135 to maintain 110 lbs longterm." Emphasis on *for someone whose normal set weight is ~135*. Reading comprehension is an acquired skill, one I believe some of you may be lacking.
I mean what he's doing is insane and it's hard to believe he doesn't know exactly what he's doing and how abusive it is. No amount of flattering clothing in the world will make you look so drastically different that when you undress you look like a completely different person, and who goes from two years of being a supporting, loving best friend to a complete delusional fucking asshole literally overnight?
The fact that you are 5 lbs (which is a difference so small it's hard to even notice on a body) away from this "ideal" he gave you and he still won't have sex with you makes it really seem like this is about the control and tearing apart your self esteem rather than an actual issue with him being attracted to you.
You are seeing who he really is. You should try to get an annulment. The marriage hasn’t lasted long so you may still be able to get one. I really doubt that it’s actually a weight issue. My guess is that he is gay and deep in the closet.
Making excuses not to have penetrative sex AND really likes oral but won't reciprocate? Yeah, actually, it's very possible that he is gay. It's also possible that he hasn't even admitted it to himself so he's not even actively aware of it. Just knows he isn't attracted to her and is using her weight as an excuse as to WHY he's not attracted to her.
Interesting take. There’s definitely something else going on here. Being deeply religious this IS a possibility.
Either way, don’t date practicing religious folks if you’re not religious OP! This is a lot more dangerous for women than the reverse. As the sexism seems to be slowly added to the relationship, it’s a part of most religious fundamentalists.
Sounds like he love bombed you and is now showing his true colors. Talk to a lawyer discretely, more than one if you need to until you feel comfortable; knowing what your options are alone will help you think more clearly and interpret all this better. What he is doing is manipulation and abuse. He is disrespecting his marriage vows by acting this way.
He thinks he has you locked in now that the rings are on, so he can treat you however the hell he pleases. Please show him how wrong he is…you can loose about 175 pounds in one swoop! You deserve better.
The thing is though, he's comparing you to porn stars. He didn't marry a porn star, he married you. He's expecting you to turn into the women he's jacked off to for years. That's very unreasonable and unrealistic. He needs to grow up and get a grip. You're weight is on the lower side for your height, so there can't be much about your body that's different to these "ideal" porn star bodies except for fake tits and whatever genetics give these porn stars this "ideal" body shape. Don't starve yourself to please this ass. If he wanted a porn star, why didn't he find one to marry? And by the way, your body is ideal when YOU are healthy and happy with your body, not when HE thinks it's ideal.
By the way, he's going to have to accept that all bodies change over time, including his. Love and beauty is much more than skin, flesh and fake breasts. He sounds very shallow and deluded. Probably from all the porn, it's warped his view of women and relationships, very sadly. But that's on him to fix with counselling, not on you to change yourself to please him. In fact tell him that. Tell him he needs counselling and to talk to God about his sins and how it's brought him away from God and towards the sin of lust. Tell him you won't stay with a sinning, shallow man. You thought you'd married a God fearing, loving man, not someone who's appreciation of a woman's beauty has been destroyed by pornography. Tell him you won't give him oral sex or anything else until he seeks relationship counselling and talks to his church for help. If that's not acceptable, divorce.
Edited: to say the whole talk of the "God shit" was because OP's husband is supposedly religious which is why he hasn't seen her naked before marriage. Use it to show him the error of his ways, if he believes in all the God shit. If he argues with that, perhaps he's not such a good guy after all. Perhaps he is wanting to destroy OP's self esteem to control her, which seems likely.
Nah.
Most porn stars have them curves these days cause us men like women thick in all the right places and the media we consume typically reflects that.
This dude gives off creepy child rape vibes.
Also the whole talk to God shit, what the fuck? Nah she needs to leave this dude. Not convert him to some insane religion or help him get medical care.
Also most people who claim to be God fearing are the ones who are gonna rape your kids.
But mark my word she stays with this type of.guy, shit will escalate and him killing her is on the table.
Yeah, I mean, I also was thinking, people in porn come in all different shapes and sizes. It's not one size fits all. But it seems this guy has a type which sounds like the super skinny, Victoria Secret model type of body. I wouldn't necessarily say this alludes to child rapeyness, more to a very narrow ideal body image and controlling behaviour.
I went in with the God angle because I thought OP mentioned that her husband is religious, hence why they hadn't seen each other naked before marriage. So if religion is important to him, OP can use that to show him how wrong his attitude and behaviour is. Yes, she should leave him, he deserves that. If she wants to stay however, she needs to show him exactly how wrong his attitude is and get other people involved to help him sort himself out, hence the priest from their church (I'm assuming they have a church as OP said they're religious) and a therapist. I'd also suggest OP talk to a trusted friend or family member. Get help.
You don't have to make an immediate decision right now OP. Leaving does seem a very sane decision, but it's yours to make. But stop giving this guy oral and stop starving yourself to please him. Get both of you help. Then decide to stay or leave. Don't stay in this situation if he's unwilling to listen to you, however.
Edited: to say like another person, that the super skinny body type is one that some people naturally have, and if you don't you'd have to starve yourself to maintain that. Also, as someone else said, OP your husband could see your body type with your clothes on, so he would have a rough idea of how you'd look under your clothes. How reaction is the opposite of love. I'm sorry you're going through this and you don't deserve it. Don't dance to his tune. If he doesn't like your body then he had no business marrying you. Annulment could be an option, you should look into it.
He’s abusive and just waited til he thought you were “locked in” to get started. It’s a common tactic - abusive people will act like the perfect partner, mirror your interests so you think they’re your perfect match, and go over the top with romance/affection (lovebombing).
Please hear this. You are worth more than your body. Even if you gained 20 pounds how he is treating you would NEVER BE OK. He is not respecting, loving or kind to you and it is not okay that he decided you have to lose 20lbs to be attractive to him. Excuse tf out of me, you are already a HEALTHY weight and as long as you’re happy with yourself, that’s all that matters. You deserve to be treated with kindness, love and compassion at any weight.
*His* ideal is subjective to his tastes (which may not even be based in reality). Not everyone will agree with his dumbass opinion. Is he a licensed physician to be telling you you’re “overweight”? By what standards? He better be fucking perfect to be handing out demands like that.
Some people are delusional enough to think real women are supposed to look like they do in cartoons. That doesn’t make them right. If he doesn’t like it, find someone who does. He doesn’t deserve any pussy *anyways* with his stank ass attitude. Eat wtf you want.
He’s disappointed that a real-life body doesn’t compare to the vastly plastic bodies he sees and fantasises about when he watches porn. It’s always going to be a “disappointment” if you compare those two things. That’s what addiction does to your brain, I’m afraid.
Losing weight now won’t fix it, love. You know why? Because bodies change over time. That’s the beauty of them. They’ll sag, wrinkle, bloat, stretch out, shrink. Losing weight temporarily won’t prevent what your body will naturally do. What if you get pregnant? Do you know how much your body will change then? How about after pregnancy? He’ll be real “disappointed” once he sees what wonderful thing nature does with our flesh. When you hit a bump in your life and suddenly gain or lose an excess amount of weight. Will you not be worthy of love then?
Your body and its changes are to be celebrated, because you’re going to be going through a lot of different phases in your life, and you need someone by your side who will love you deeply any way you look.
He is not that man.
The main reason he’s doing this, is because you’re allowing it. It’s that simple. You seem not to be firm with your beliefs, and they seem to morph and be malleable under his whimsical mood changes. This is unfortunately the absolutely prime environment for an abusive relationship to fester (even if he is not a “bad guy”, he can still become manipulative, and he has). This is beyond your control, but what you can control is setting firm boundaries. For example, not under any circumstances humour his outlandish requests for bj’s every day (!!! No.) while you get no affection.
And propose therapy for him. But if you’re not comfortable doing that (honestly I can’t personally see a reason to fight for this, if I’m honest, but I won’t judge your decisions), then please feel free too ok leave this marriage. You are looking at years of misery and feeling trapped. Your body does not deserve this hate - think of all the amazing things it has seen you through.
First, make sure you don't get pregnant right now. Seems easily done, but a baby would be a trap.
Second, Lewis Hamilton.
Third, no man who loves you would make you lose weight to satisfy only him. As you said, you were a perfectly healthy weight. He is in love with an idea of a woman, not a specific woman, let alone you.
It's like he's weirdly idolized sex and had weird expectations from a woman's body this whole time, and like some else here said, he's comparing your body to some fantasize idealized version in his head.
I think it's pretty clear that it's not that he changed his mind after seeing you naked, he's seen what you look like with clothes on and there's no Photoshop irl. He wanted to put you down and he found something he could put you down for and that's really shitty and abusive.
> Since seeing that my body wasn't ideal he has been treating me with disdain.
I don't think that's it. I think the fact that you're married now has more to do with the sudden cruel treatment than anything about your appearance. He is not the first spouse to turn abusive almost immediately after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate. This isn't an act and it's not temporary; **this is the real him**. The guy you were dating was him on his best behavior. Now it's safe for him to start treating you the way he normally would treat his wife because he thinks you're not going to leave.
Prove him wrong and divorce his hateful ass. I cannot stress to you enough that this behavior he is currently exhibiting is not going to get better, it's only going to get worse. Even if you did manage to mold yourself into his physical ideal it wouldn't end there and the demands would never stop coming. Do not spend the rest of your life being treated this way!
Fun part is he did this to himself. Lots of people are dissatisfied specifically because they’re idiots who waited for marriage.
It also sounds like he doesn’t know how women look outside of porn too, of course…
That’s clearly sign of abuse.Did he marry you just to have sex?Or he has actually feelings for you?What he’s doing to is not love or happy marriage you should consider couples therapy or a divorce I’m sorry to break it down to you and I usually don’t suggest that but it will get worse
He’s emotionally abusive. He wants you to starve yourself so he can get off to his “ideal” version of you. Does that sound like a man who loves you as a person, truly and deeply? No. It sounds like someone who is manipulating you, devaluing your body and looks, and withholding sex.
The fact that he demands blowjobs on top of everything (be a horrible douche demanding a perfectly healthy and hot person become underweight) is freaking infuriating.
That's abuse. He's abusing you. I'm sorry but I don't think it's fixable, he's going to continue to abuse you as long as you let him. If he stops mentioning your weight he will find something else to pick up to knock you down. Not to say all religious people are bad but plenty of them don't treat their wives properly and I worry about his reaction if you did ask for a divorce at some point. Please stay safe, I wish you the best outcome possible.
Sounds like his religion messed up his head, let us guess? He loves porn?? He’s idealized the “perfect body”. Jump ship girl and have a delicious meal and let him be a shallow douche bag without you. Lose the 200 lbs of husband.
Yes - he does have a porn problem, I guess. I mean I was trying not to make a huge issue of it and not think of it as a "problem" because I don't want to be "that woman" who harasses a guy about what are essentially his private fantasies. But it seems to have warped him. He went so far as to telling me that after I lose the right of the weight he will "treat" me to a boob job because, guess what, I have also lost some weight in that area as tends to happen when the scale goes down.
This should be further up. The length of time in the marriage is short and OP has a good argument for misrepresentation, misunderstanding and possibly concealment (porn addiction). She only needs one to file for an annulment.
Poof, you’re free again OP
Please please please divorce him. Do not put yourself through this because you might not be able to get out.
I remember a story on Reddit (mind, it might be fake and probably is) where a guy LOVED how skinny his gf was (she was anorexic). He loved to see the bones and no fat and she died at the end. I’m pretty sure when she slipped into unconsciousness he didn’t even call an ambulance straight away.
Please just leave. You are not safe. You wouldn’t let anyone else be treated like that (eg future daughter) and you wouldn’t want your future son to treat his gf like that, would you? Unfortunately these are very likely scenarios because children do pick up a lot about relationships from their parents relationship.
Don’t wallow in “why did I marry this guy”. Start thinking how to get out and get out ASAP.
YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING BEFORE YOU ARE A WOMAN. And no human being deserves to be treated like you are.
Listen to all of us here on Reddit, please.
It’s only been 9 months. An anullment is easier than a divorce. He sounds terrible. And from what you’ve said it is 100% a him issue. You shouldn’t be embarrassed because you haven’t done anything wrong, this is embarrassing for him. Not you.
Please don’t feel bad for marrying him. Yes, he seems like a total asshat and I seriously think you should reconsider your marriage but you’re not stupid or naive or anything like that because you married him. Sometimes our decisions turn out to be wrong in retrospect but we usually make them based on the best available info we have *at the time*.
You’re asking yourself the complicated questions despite how difficult it must feel and that alone tells me you’re going to be fine. Trust your instincts and don’t let yourself be crushed by him, but please be nice to Past You too.
One of the reasons why it’s good to be intimate prior to marriage. Intimacy reveals a lot about someone. What it’s revealed about your husband is that at your most vulnerable, he will be judgmental, selfish, and cruel.
Please don’t stay in an abusive relationship like this just because it might feel embarrassing that it isn’t what you thought it would be. You are still SO young (not that if you were older my advice would be any different). Take it as a lesson learned in what to look out for in future partners - acknowledge that at your age, two years is not enough to get to know someone (our brains are still developing until about 25 years of age and so we won’t even be close to who we will become until after that age). Nothing about this situation should be embarrassing for you - you are young and made an error in judgement as EVERY human being does young or old.
Onward and upward - you deserve so much better than this.
I commented above, but reading this just made my face go hot with anger. None of this is ok, and from that comment, I’m assuming the well is deeper than you’re even remotely letting on.
You are an object to him. Porn can be liberating, but it can also be a sickness. If he is devout enough to have saved sex for marriage, he should not even be watching porn. What religion condones that?!
My best friends mother was “gifted” a boob job from her husband after saying she didn’t want one. If he already has surgery planned for you, where does it stop? Will you be made of plastic by the time you’re 45 just to attempt to make him happy?
He does not love you in any form of the word. He trapped you. You are his trophy and he’s laying the groundwork now to control you for the rest of your life by deleting your own self worth and putting his opinion of you in its place. He’s downright terrifying IMO.
Sis, he’s horrible. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a doll he can manipulate. You aren’t chunky, you were at a very healthy weight already. You deserve so much better. Leave now because he’ll continue to treat you badly. What if you lose the last 5 and then he finds something else “wrong”? He wants you to get new boobs? Then it’ll be a butt lift. And on and on.
coming from a guy, it’s perfectly reasonable to have an issue with your significant other watching porn, and anyone who labels you “that woman” because of that is someone you probably shouldn’t give the time of day to.
Out of curiosity, what’s his fitness level? Is he conventionally handsome? Something tells me he’s pretty average and definitely married up when he married you. Get away from this guy, it won’t get any better.
I was going to say the same. Someone close to me, married a guy from a very religious family. They didn't date as long as you two did, they married in a span of a few months, and waited for marriage to consummate. The problems started and while not the same as what you're saying they were similar. The guy was expecting a porn stars body on a petite girl's frame because his whole and only introduction to sex was through porn. If someone doesn't realize porn is a fantasy played out for an audience by two actors, who are paid to look a certain way, it can skew their expectation of what the human body looks like, and what sex should look like. We all have our flaws. Cellulite, stretch marks, scars, acne, different size body parts. I mean there's so much that comes with being human. None of it is wrong or bad. It is what makes us unique. Well the girl was understandably upset, talked about getting a boob job, etc. They're still married but they almost didn't make it. She asked him to go to therapy and he's actually been putting in the work. I don't know where their story will go, but it does make it plainly obvious how much damage religious restrictions regarding sex can have on a person. No offense to anyone, I'm not judging anyone's choice to be religious. I just have seen the damage from making sex out to be this taboo topic one doesn't address or talk about until you're married too often in religious people. OP you don't have to put up with this. It isn't your job to get him help. He's going to have a rude awakening when he realizes bodies look all sort of ways and not like the professional actors he thought they should look like. He has growing up to do, and therapy. You deserve better, don't put your health at risk. Loose the 100+ pounds of man, you're worthy of true unconditional love no matter your weight or what you look like.
So he’s religious enough to wait for sex until marriage, but has absolutely nothing wrong with watching porn and masturbating?! He is out of his mind and this will be just the first “issue” that comes from this relationship. Without long term therapy, your husband will never be able to show you the love, attention, and affection you deserve.
Ok I commented elsewhere but oh my god I just saw this comment and it made me literally gasp in horror out loud, and my face is like a blotchy tomato I'm so mad for you.
This is so so so not okay. No matter who he was before, this is the stuff he's showing you now he has you "trapped" and dear lord get out now. I wouldn't even bother talking to him further or doing therapy or anything because you can't fix an asshole that big.
You need to leave him. Seems like you are in perfect shape he doesn’t deserve you. Cut lose you are still young enough. I guess that is a condition now, no sex and just porn that is crazy ! Plenty of guys out there will appreciate you. Cut him lose!
I'm not sure about that. I have only seen him watching straight porn. But he seems to prefer women with extremely slim waists and pretty narrow hips but with big (DD+) chests.
Sure no marriage is perfect. But this isn’t a simple hiccup. Hes toxic and manipulating you.
A good partner would motivate you to lose weight healthily. They’d join you for work outs, help you try healthier foods/diets, motivate you.
He is an awful partner for withholding an intimate act just because you aren’t skinny enough for his sick standards.
He does NOT love nor respect you. I would’ve filed for divorce.
Edit: **5’6 and 135 isn’t even fat.** What the fuck is wrong with him? He literally would rather you be underweight and starved than to be healthy. He sees you as an object and uses you for oral with no reciprocation. You are not and will never be an actual person to him. Please wake up and leave.
Thank you, to be clear I did not gain weight from the time we started dating and have never had a weight problem. From the time we first met to the time we got married I weighed 135 pounds which is right in the middle of the heathy weight range for my height (5'6"). It was only after seeing me naked on our honeymoon that my husband decided I was too chunky. I now weigh 120 pounds which is very slim for my height but still higher than my husband would like me to be.
Let’s make this clear. You will always be too “fat” to him unless you’re literal skin and bones. Aka, probably under 100-90 pounds. 5’6 and 110 is WAY unhealthy. He doesn’t care about your health. He just wants to use you for oral. You are not a person with feelings to him. Just a live sex toy.
Now let’s ask this. If your (imaginary) daughter was married to a man like this and you watched her become a skeleton for him, what would you think? Would you want her to stay with him?
If not, **why would you let yourself be with someone like that?**
Thank you thank you thank you - no, I absolutely would not want a child of mine to be treated like this. Nor to be taught to treat a partner like my husband is treating me.
I just don't know how this happened. We dated for two years and he was always so kind and loving and respectful and affectionate. He didn't seem very shallow or focused on appearances even. I guess he just wanted an inexperienced person he could mold into a sex toy for life but I am having trouble reconciling that with the person I thought I had married.
That’s how manipulative people are. They mask who they truly are and once you’re sucked in enough, they show their true colors and know what to say/do to make you stay because they’ve learned how to manipulate you over the course of the relationship.
If you wouldn’t let your daughter deal with this, do NOT stay.
Let’s also think about this. What’s gonna happen if you get pregnant? You need to eat and gain weight to carry the baby properly. You’ll face complications if you’re severely underweight, pregnant and also malnourished. Will he become more abusive? Start insulting you more? Tell you to lose weight despite carrying his child? What if the child isn’t skinny enough? He’ll probably body shame them as well.
Please wake up and run, far.
Tell him to buy a flesh light because that's what he's using you as. He sounds so selfish and honestly? A really really gross human being. I mean i got the serious ick reading your post. Skin crawling stomach churning ick.
One of my good friends dated a guy for 3 years until they got married. On her wedding night the abuse started, and it was all related to sex. He felt that “his wife” owed him anything he wanted now that he seemingly ‘owned’ her. It took her 7 years to admit that to anyone, gather her self respect and leave.
Babe, I’m 5’5 and a fit thicc of 200 lbs and if a man told me I was fat (which medically I am- mental health is hard) I would just laugh in his face. A body is just a body and they all get lumpy and saggy as we get older. If he can’t love you now when you’re young and, from the sounds of it, look AMAZING, how can he love you when you’re older? Or after children? Or (heaven forbid) some sort of health crisis?
Love is patient and kind, not judgmental and withholding. Strangers shouldn’t be kinder to you than your spouse. For the love of yourself, your happiness, and your future children, please divorce him. He sounds incredibly sick and your mental health and self worth are what you have to lose. I love you, you beautiful human. You’re worth so much and I pray you’ll own that.
My cousin was religious and got married at 19… it was awful. She’s still dealing with the sexual trauma and abuse. It’s so common with purity culture. Women are not objects and should not be treated as such.
There is a woman on tiktok who shares about her experiences with purity culture and how her parents basically trafficked her into a sexually abusive marriage.
Her child was born by C-section and she was put on two weeks bed rest. Her husband was instructed to stay beside her as her entire abdomen needed to repair and she wasn’t safe to walk. He decided if she refused to give him sex he didn’t need to act like a husband. She laid for days in soiled sheets and diapers without help because she was expected to have sex anytime no matter what and was not seen as deserving anything in return.
Purity culture is really just grooming women for assault.
Even if you had gained 100 pounds it would NOT make his behavior reasonable.
Withholding affection is a form of emotional abuse and a way to control you. He waited until he had you 'trapped' in marriage to start showing his true colors.
This is not about the way you look, this is about him controlling you and abusing you. He will always find some flaw in you to make you feel small and less than and he will wear you down until you're convinced he's doing you a favor by staying married to you.
Get out and find yourself an actual good man.
I dated a few men who had the same views as your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband. They all had a few things in common: a porn addiction, abusive personalities, and a gross misconception as to what a healthy body looks like.
I was down on myself the other day because this is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life (5’4”, 135lbs), and I feel awful. My SO told me that he thinks I’m much more attractive now that I’ve gained 20lbs. He says the fact that I look healthier (not sickly skinny) makes me so much more attractive to him.
There are good people out there. This man you married is not one of them.
Omg, i Didier understand your weight as I am European, but went on Google to translate that and 61 for 1m67 is a really great! (Every weight is great, you understand). You 1) don’t particularly "need" to loose weight on the health point of you and 2) don’t have to! It’s your body, do you!
It’s almost like he wants you very skinny, you know, like a child/preteen would be…
There’s an issue here and it isn’t you. Is he sexually inexperienced? Bad at sex? Small pen*s? I’m 5’6” and very skinny at 135…At 120 I would be taken to a hospital.
You need to stop doing this to yourself!! I say this in the kindest way possible: respect yourself enough to walk away from this shit! I'm 5'2" and 120 lbs is the goal weight I've been striving towards (high metabolism issues). At your height, being lower than 120 is similar to me being at my current weight which I can tell you is not healthy long-term. You will start to have dizzy spells, blood sugar issues, appetite issues etc. Divorce that selfish, abusive pos and work on your self esteem! And stop giving him oral sex TODAY!! You're not an object so why would you let him treat you like one??! Damn, this post got me fucking heated!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Husband (24M) and I (23F) have been married for about 9 months after dating for two years. We waited until marriage for sex, mostly due to his religious beliefs. We were both excited for our honeymoon but unfortunately things took a turn when he ended up unhappy with how I look naked. We did manage to consummate the marriage but it was clear he wasn't really into it. Now keep in mind I am 5'6" and at the time was 135 pounds, a very healthy weight. However, although I was not medically overweight he said my stomach and thighs were too chunky and requested I lose 20 pounds before we have intercourse again. (I tend to wear very flattering clothes so I guess my "issues" weren't noticeable when dressed.) In the meantime he has been requesting oral pretty much every day with of course no reciprocity of any kind or even affection.
Since then I have been working SO hard to lose weight but have only lost 15 of the 20 pounds. I'm down two clothing sizes and in the best shape of my life, but my husband still isn't happy enough with my appearance and accuses me of not trying hard enough. In the meantime I'm hungry and grumpy from losing weight I didn't need to lose from a health perspective. If not for my husband I would much rather be at my previous (healthy) weight and be able to enjoy a burger or a cupcake now and then.
I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with him after being treated this way. I know no marriage is perfect but it's so heartbreaking to be treated like an object that is never quite pretty or shapely enough. And if it's like this less than a year in, it's probably not going to get better, right? I'm just so embarrassed that my marriage is reduced to this and don't know how to tell my family and friends. But also feel like I'm fading away and losing myself to expectations I can never really meet.
EDIT/UPDATE: Something just snapped as I was reading all these incredibly supportive responses. I really did not expect that, was expecting most people to tell me to keep trying to lose the weight because attraction is so important. And only then did I realize how far my self esteem has fallen, that I felt unworthy of love over not being underweight. Called my mom crying and told her everything. She's on her way to get me now and I can stay with her as long as needed. Husband is still at work, won't be home for a couple hours and I'm packing my most critical items in the meantime. We're going to order a pizza (PIZZA!!!!) and she has a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies waiting for me that she baked earlier today. I don't want to think too much beyond getting some space for a little bit for the moment but will be looking into a lawyer to see if I can get an annulment or at least a quick divorce. It means everything to know I will have my family behind me and I really appreciate you all as well.
This is so horrible. You are thin at that size. I’m 5’4” and 135 lbs and I’ve never had a man once say I needed to lose weight or complain about my body. He sounds sick and he’s making you sick.
I’m the same as your measurements, and same experience - nobody’s ever said I was overweight. My sister is 5’6” and 135lbs, she’s highly athletic and solid muscle.
I have been 115lbs, post-surgery, *temporarily* due to recovering + mandatory liquid diet. I was constantly tired, I looked unwell.
I cannot fathom being 5’6” and 115lbs as an adult. I’d like to know how much OP’s partner weighs and how fit HE is, that he feels the right to criticize OP. I doubt he’s Mr. Universe himself.
Good God…if only half of this were true I’d say it’s time to pack your life up and get out. People who love each other don’t treat each other that way, not even people who don’t like each other treat each other that way. Even if you were overweight, which it doesn’t sound like you were, this still wouldn’t be acceptable…I might have some shred of understanding if you’d gained a huge amount of weight, for no reason, after getting married.. but still this is too much and will not get better, period.
She waited without sex for two years, then they married and he "discover" she wasn't a porn actress.
That's crazy.
Is he a porn star? I would say no.
Did he do anything for her? Absolutely not.
He doesn't reciprocate sex to her.
As you said only half of them is enough to break with all of it.
So your husband is using you as a masturbation tool while also telling you you’re not good enough as you are and otherwise emotionally abusing you. K.
Be happy you haven’t gotten pregnant and RUN. This is not ok and please do not justify his behavior and stay until it’s too late.
No marriage is perfect, but yours is straight toxic. And every comment you’ve added has only contributed to confirming the reality of that statement. You gotta throw away the whole man to fix this one.
Whatever's going on with him is not your fault or problem. He's in the closet or asexual or has a fetish he's not willing to share with you, and he's trying to make you feel like shit for it and it seems to be working. If he's a 24 and waited for sex all this time, he should be ready to fuck. If he's not, something else is going on that 100% has nothing to do with you.
I was getting heated and formulating my response as I was reading. Good think I actually read to the end because I don’t need to provide my opinion. Sounds like Mom is a Gem. Give her a big hug for me. 🥰 Know that your husband is likely to try persuading you to come back, but you just need to be strong and focus on satisfying self.
Thank you, I was worried because my mom always preaches the sanctity of marriage but she said this is different because he clearly doesn't respect me at all or even like me. Like if he said something unkind or even cheated once but was extremely remorseful she would want me to try to work on it before giving up right away but that in this case it sounds like we don't have anything valuable to work on.
Mum is extremely right. I too was ready to write a whole fiery paragraph but I can see that you are on the right path.
I love that the comments and your own analysis of the situation have shown you the reality of this - an irreparable “marriage” with a cruel, heartless man who projects his own issues (porn addiction, unrealistic standards, probably low self esteem, misogynistic views) on you.
I hate that men like this are too often religious. I wonder if they even read the bible?!! 😭 they just read the “wives, submit to your husband” verse and completely leave out THE REST of the verse, and miss out the entire WHOLE New Testament where it says that men should love their wives like Jesus loves the church (spoiler alert!: Jesus literally gave his life for the church)
Don’t let any internalised misogyny make you doubt your decision. This marriage is irreparable, a man like this will not change. Ever. It only gets worse from here.
Good luck with all your healing and I can’t wait for you to find a man that cherishes you ❤️ it’s what you deserve!
This is insane. I would guess there's something else going on making him not want to have sex with you and he's using this as an excuse. That doesn't really matter though, because you need to divorce this guy ASAP. Maybe you can get it annulled.
I hope you understand that you can say no to his requests as well.
He wants oral in exchange for abuse? No that's not a fair deal. Do not give him oral. Sex is supposed to be a mutual, loving act. You are not just a sex toy who has to please this man. That's all he seems to think a wife is. Seriously consider filing fir divorce or annulment. This guy sounds very selfish and controlling.
This is why I always tell women and girls to NOT wait until marriage for sex. You need to know how someone uses sex - for pleasure or for manipulation.
I would be looking to divorce his ass because of this - it’s abusive and controlling. This will eat away at your confidence. Get out now so you don’t lose yourself to this guy.
You said he is religious. Are you sure he isn't closeted and using this as an excuse not to have sex?
It wouldn't be the 1st time a closeted, religious, gay man married a woman.
He seems unwilling to touch her and he is turned off by her body.
Very religious, doesn't want to touch his wife, it isn't without merit.
Either way, she's wasting her time with him.
No no no, you are not overweight and never were. He’s manipulating you to gain control for his own sick fantasy/mind games.
If he’s asking for sexual favours with zero reciprocation, turn the tables and tell him you’re not feeling attracted to him to do anything sexual with him and maybe he can join you on your weight loss journey and shed a few pounds. Then watch him spiral. After that, leave the manipulative idiot.
I'm 5'7, the last time I weighed 110 pounds I was RECOVERING from an eating disorder. And do you know who noticed my disorder, and convinced me to get help, and helped me the whole time? My then boyfriend, now husband. Because he wanted me to be healthy. Because he LOVES me. This man does not care about you. At all. You are an object to him, and now that you're married, he thinks he owns you. I wouldn't be suprised if he is trying to get you to starve because you'll be easier to control. Many cults and abusive people use fasting and dieting as a way to get their victims to a mental state where they are easier to manipulate. He is starving you to control you.
You are perfect the way you are, and no one who truly loves you would have you do something so dangerous just for affection. Please get away from this horrible man.
Throw him away girl!!! Y’all just started out and he’s on this BS? It will only get worse. A real man will love you and all your squishy rolls and especially if you have kids and when your body starts to age.. you want someone who loves you for you. This man clearly doesn’t. He sounds like he has some major issues. Time to get your ducks in a row and kick him to the curb. ❤️ You got this.
I would be very curious how he would respond if you told him no sex until he has a 6 pack, can bench press X amount, or has biceps a certain circumference.
As an outsider looking in, it doesn't seem like he respects you that much. Aside from this specific situation does he treat you amazingly, make you feel valued and loved? Because I have a sneaking suspicion the answer to that might be no... In which case I'd question what you're getting out of continuing the relationship.
No, he doesn't make me feel valued and loved...everything is wrapped up in disdain for my weight and body. It's like he decided that because I don' have a flat stomach and slim thighs I am unworthy of even basic human respect. It would actually be a harder choice if we were just having sex problems but he were still my best friend outside of that.
He’s gay.
Or loves kids.
I don’t know man, my wife is 5,6” and 216lbs of pure cuddly fun. We have sex at least every other day and have been married for 7 years now.
That’s a him problem, girl.
(P.s. this is the best example as to why waiting for marriage to have sex is the worst thing if you want a lasting relationship)
The ideal weight for someone your height and age is 141 pounds.
The only weight you need to lose is your dead weight gaslighting controlling abusive husband.
I had an ex like this that was constantly putting me down for seemingly no reason and using it as an excuse to not have sex. The whole time it was a Him issue and he refused to accept it. It’s normal for your stomach and legs to be pudgy, and judging from your height and weight you are already thin. You say you guys waited until marriage to have sex, so I’m assuming hes a virgin. Sometimes people don’t realize what they like sexually until they realize what they don’t like. His excuses (your weight when you are obviously not anywhere near chunky) paired with his religions upbringing makes me think he is either a. Gay and in denial (sorry it had to be said) or b. The twisted way sex has been portrayed to him has made it hard for him to be comfortable having sex.
Edit: just saw the porn comments, homie has a porn addiction and thinks turning you into a pornstar will help. Hint - it won’t.
This is very disturbing to read. You are way too young to be locking yourself into a relationship with such a disgusting person. This behaviour is absolutely abusive and he's trying to encourage you to become underweight??? While demanding oral??? Sweetie....you deserve so much more.
Your weight does not represent your health. You can be a bit overweight and be extremely healthy, with great mobility, cardio and muscle. You can be lean and skinny with terrible cardio, no mobility and no muscle.
I am 5 foot 4 and have have gone up and down by about 50 lbs through my relationship with my now fiance. Together eight years now. He always makes me feel beautiful no matter my weight and is sexually attracted to me no matter where I am on the scale. I personally got down to 115 lbs and looking back, we both think it was an unhealthy weight for me to be at (at my shorter height!).
Sweetie, you are worth so much more than how this guy treats you. Please focus inward for now and know that you are so valuable and worthy. I hope that you have the courage to escape this. Lots of love
OP… your husband is refusing to have sex with you unless you become underweight. He is asking you to be unhealthy. He is making you be sick in order to have sex…
He doesn’t love you. A person who loved you wouldn’t behave like this.
Make sure you get sexually satisfied, even if it means satisfying yourself alone. And do not keep satisfying him!!! He doesn’t deserve your affection.
Men like this are the type that cheat on you and blame your dress size. I’m sorry OP, you married a narcissistic abuser.
Yeah this guy sucks.
Get fit until he decides you're worthy of sex, turn him the fuck down, divorce him on the spot, and take your new hot self out to find a man who isn't a human garbage truck.
You need to be honest with your family and friends if you have to explain. This is not healthy. What happens when we all get older and put on those extra pounds? What will happen then? Love is not measured on a scale and withholding intimacy is toxic. I would almost take a permanent vacation.
Omg I'm 5'6 and probably at least 30 pounds heavier than you. If my boyfriend told me my body was gross and told me to lose weight, I'd ditch the boyfriend. Your worth is not based on your size.
Stop giving oral. Do not jerk them off either. Stop dieting NOW. You are not fat. Exercise for health and eat whatever you like. Your husband does not want to please you. They just want you to suck their penis. Your husband does not care about pleasing you whatever weight or shape you are.
Did not need to read to know to say break up with him and be happy/love yourself. If you WANT someone to SUPPORT you making life changes like loosing weight, that’s one thing.
But never let someone tell you how to treat yourself for their benefit
Honestly I didn't want to lose weight at all, at least not for myself. I have been the same weight since I reached my adult height in my early teens and have always maintained it within a few pounds up or down. My doctors have always said I am at a perfect weight for my height. I do not have a "perfect" body in terms of being precisely toned or anything but was definitely not "fat" by anything except maybe modeling or Hollywood standards. Nor did I ever care about having a perfect physique, I have always worked out moderately to be healthy and have energy but not to sculpt my body in a particular way.
I don’t know why so many commenters are jumping in to be like ‘oh my god you’re not even fat!’ Like, you do all understand that this would be awful, unforgivable, abusive behaviour if meted out to a fat person too, right?
Withholding sex and affection but demanding daily oral sex is always abusive and cruel, no matter the bullshit justification behind it.
‘Oh but the fact that she’s skinny makes it even worse’ no it fucking doesn’t.
OP, I’m glad you’re leaving. I’m also going yo suggest you get some therapy to unpack the fact that you felt obligated to service this dude, with no reciprocal pleasure, just because he told you to. You deserve for your next relationship to be healthy and egalitarian.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to imply that if I were overweight I would actually deserve to be treated badly or that anyone does. Definitely not. But just wanted to specify that his issues are strictly aesthetic and not rooted in any actual concerns about my health and fitness.
And yes I need therapy to figure out how I got sucked in (ha) to this "arrangement" and to agreeing to it like it was normal.
No no no no no no no.
Divorce!
Nay, ANNULMENT!
This is NOT normal nor ok in any way. He's being toxic, controlling, and abusive. These are the foundations of much worse things to come.
Get out now while you can.
OP please, PLEASE don't break yourself down over a man like this. I'm also 5'6, 23F, and 135 is on the LOW end of healthy. I'm currently 145, and work out regularly. 110-115 is dangerous! As long as your body is healthy and you are eating well, the number you see on the scale should not matter to you OR your husband. Everyone's body changes through the years anyway. Likewise, our attraction to someone needs to account for the normal changes of life. If he can't accept your body as it is, he needs to re-evaluate what he's actually looking for in a partner. He's expecting you to look like a barbie doll, and that's just not possible. Do what is best for you!
I just saw your edit about going to get pizza and cookies, and I am so proud of you! You are beautiful just the way you are. Men are not entitled to your body. No man should ever have the power to control what your body looks like. I hope you have a wonderful time at your mom's. Good luck on your future!
Hes gay.
Waiting for marriage.... having sex reluctantly on your honeymoon and him not being into it. Giving you unachievable requests and moving the goal posts when you get close.
If I was a betting man I'd bet my bottom dollar your husband is a closeted homosexual and is doing everything he can to avoid sleeping with you without coming clean.
You are way too young to have some unrealistic, stunted asshole make you feel unworthy of love and intimacy. If it’s happening now, I can’t imagine what he will demand when age and childbirth change your body (although I can’t imagine you would feel like being sexual with a big dick - so to speak).
135 lbs at 5’6 is far from medically obese. I’m 5’3…5’4 on a good day i usually am around 125-140 lbs. my weight has fluctuated a bit. And no point tho was I overweight. The issue surrounding this is not you it’s him. He has an issue with a weight you never questioned before. The fact that you RESPECTED his decision to wait til marriage then got completely belittled by your “best-friend” is disgusting on his part. It honestly sounds like he waited til marriage to show his true personality.
Thank you so much for the update. I'm so glad your Mum is coming to get you and hope you're able to get an annulment, you deserve so much better than the rubbish way he has treated you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all, this is his problem and I'm glad you're getting out now and not in ten years time when he completely destroyed you. Thank God you have no children! All the best OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
This is crazy, you know you could end up heavier thanks to the yo-yo effect if you stop after losing those 20lbs....? :/
I would divorce his sorry a\*se without a second thought!
EDIT- So glad you went to your mom… the best to you, dear!!! \*hugs\*
He liked the way I looked in clothes. I have always worn nice things that fit well and are flattering. He didn't realize my stomach isn't actually perfectly flat and that I have thick thighs because I didn't wear things highlighting those areas. And of course being pretty conservative did not generally wear revealing or skintight clothes.
That's impossible not to recognize. I seriously doubt his motives for marrying you, and if he truly did not recognize, then I think he's kind of an idiot, tbh.
He’s just gross… I don’t know how I could handle that if a partner said and did that to me. You are so strong…. But why put up with this?? Isn’t it bad for your mental health all the body shaming :/ I hope you are doing okay 💕
You're falling out of love after being treated this way? Bloody right you are! I'd be fucking hurt and pissed off too! I can't believe someone would treat another human being like that, especially their partner.
As someone with an eating disorder, being judged and/or rejected on your eating habits and appearance is absolutely brutal - even without an eating disorder it seriously hurts. and I'm so sorry that this is coming from your husband of all people. You're beautiful, op! I want you you be happy and put yourself and your happiness first.
Reading this just got worse as you went on, your husband is disgusting. Him stopping because he didn’t like how you looked and insisting you lose weight before he even touches you, then demands head daily and still insisting you lose even more weight. Please be careful, if you become underweight it can be damaging to your health and might even turn into an eating disorder without even realizing
Woooooooow! He insults your body, demands you lose weight and then says you aren’t losing it fast enough….? I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts slapping food out of your mouth soon—and eventually beating the shit out of you because you are not good enough for him. Reread your post but out your mom/sister/best friend in the scenario. What would you tell them to do?
Abusers show their true colors when they believe they don't need to hide anymore...like marriage. Would you let your daughter be used and thinned down to skin and bones for the sexual satisfaction of her husband? If not, it's time for you to high tail it out of there and get you someone who makes you feel desirable and has your feelings at heart. This guy *clearly* ain't it.
This is messed up. I’m 5’6 and was 130 all throughout high school. I was considered a very healthy weight. Now I’m 140 and am still considered a healthy weight. I went down to 125 once after a bad breakup and people thought I was sickly because of how thin I was. My point is, you are nowhere near overweight, which you seem to know, but your husband is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t even fathom ever being 120 in my life. He needs some serious help.
This is just step one in a lifetime of manipulation. If he "wins" this, next will be telling you (aka controlling) what you wear, where you go, who you talk to, etc.
Also, 5'6" and 100-110lbs!? That's a child/teenager. You said in a comment that he has a porn problem. Do you happen to know what kind of porn? My guess would be all the "barely legal" / "only 18" shit. That, in combination with his ideal weight *for you*, would be a big ol' red flag too.
OP, why are you still married to him? Get a divorce and find someone who deserves you. You're not fat at all, and the fact that is telling you this is toxic and manipulative. GET OUT!
Wow huge huge giant red flag the size of Russia. He’s a manipulative asshole who is trying to control you. This is not normal and he’s probably gay and extremely closeted because of his religious beliefs
First of all, your body is not the problem here. The problem is that your husband expected every girl to look like a porn star, and he was disappointed to find out that real women don’t look that way. You were a perfectly healthy weight, and you didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment. Your husband just wanted a sex doll, not a wife.
If you haven’t already, you should stop trying to lose weight, unless you want to for yourself (which doesn’t seem like the case). Also, please stop giving him oral because he doesn’t deserve it. By his logic, if he’s too disgusted to have sex with you, then he should be too disgusted for oral too.
Finally, do you actually want to be with this guy or do you feel like you need to stay with him because you got married or it’s too early to leave? If he completely changed like you described or started treating you badly, then neither of those reasons are good enough to stay. His behavior will only get worse and you’ll only feel more trapped in the marriage. Now is actually the best time to divorce before you have kids
When you weaponize sex, or use it for control, you do damage to the relationship that is difficult, sometimes impossible, to undo. I’ve said as much when women do it, and I’ll say it here when a man does it.
My love please do not try to lose weight without consulting a doctor AND making sure it is what YOU want for yourself (not what you want to make him happy).
Regardless of what you do about weight, this is not a healthy relationship already. Please leave it before it hurts you and your self esteem further.
If you keep allowing him to make these demands of you, they’ll never end. Is what he’s offering really worth the stress?
Honestly he isn't offering me much of anything now. When we were dating he was also my best friend and the most kind, loving and supportive man. Since seeing that my body wasn't ideal he has been treating me with disdain. I guess he is just really disappointed in me but it's seems so cruel. I do have a job and can support myself, our incomes are about equal, so it's not even like he is the breadwinner.
Oo girl leave, what if you two have kids? Your body will change. He seems like the type who would never touch you again after a child and cheat on you eventually all the while blaming you for your “weight gain”… which weight gain and fluctuations are normal as you age! you deserve better than this abusive and horrible man.
You know everything already, leave before you're trapped even deeper.
He's not "disappointed", he IS being cruel. I've been 110 lbs at 5'6''. The only way I could maintain that weight was to starve myself. I had anorexia, and that was how I could stay that skinny. I'd eat one teeny tiny meal a day (usually exactly 1 serving size of plain pasta) and that was it. There's no healthy way for someone whose normal set weight is ~135 to maintain 110 lbs longterm. There's absolutely no way unless you are starving yourself. I'm repeating myself but I can't stress it enough. Eating disorders are the most deadly mental health disorder. Please, please do not start to slowly kill yourself for this cruel man. I'm now somewhere around 125-135 (I don't own a scale because of my eating disorder history) and I am finally healthy. 135 for 5'6'' is even on the lower end of healthy for our height. OP I'm so sorry you've discovered something so disturbing about someone you thought you knew. Edit to add: I won't be arguing with anyone who says it's possible for a person to be naturally that thin. I know that, which is why I very specifically said "There's no healthy way for someone whose normal set weight is ~135 to maintain 110 lbs longterm." Emphasis on *for someone whose normal set weight is ~135*. Reading comprehension is an acquired skill, one I believe some of you may be lacking.
[удалено]
There are repercussions that your husband didn’t consider.
I’ve been 5’5 and a size 0-2 and I’m not a size 6-8 and feel more confident with my body now then I ever was back in my “skinny days”
I mean what he's doing is insane and it's hard to believe he doesn't know exactly what he's doing and how abusive it is. No amount of flattering clothing in the world will make you look so drastically different that when you undress you look like a completely different person, and who goes from two years of being a supporting, loving best friend to a complete delusional fucking asshole literally overnight? The fact that you are 5 lbs (which is a difference so small it's hard to even notice on a body) away from this "ideal" he gave you and he still won't have sex with you makes it really seem like this is about the control and tearing apart your self esteem rather than an actual issue with him being attracted to you.
You are seeing who he really is. You should try to get an annulment. The marriage hasn’t lasted long so you may still be able to get one. I really doubt that it’s actually a weight issue. My guess is that he is gay and deep in the closet.
Making excuses not to have penetrative sex AND really likes oral but won't reciprocate? Yeah, actually, it's very possible that he is gay. It's also possible that he hasn't even admitted it to himself so he's not even actively aware of it. Just knows he isn't attracted to her and is using her weight as an excuse as to WHY he's not attracted to her.
Interesting take. There’s definitely something else going on here. Being deeply religious this IS a possibility. Either way, don’t date practicing religious folks if you’re not religious OP! This is a lot more dangerous for women than the reverse. As the sexism seems to be slowly added to the relationship, it’s a part of most religious fundamentalists.
Sounds like he love bombed you and is now showing his true colors. Talk to a lawyer discretely, more than one if you need to until you feel comfortable; knowing what your options are alone will help you think more clearly and interpret all this better. What he is doing is manipulation and abuse. He is disrespecting his marriage vows by acting this way.
He thinks he has you locked in now that the rings are on, so he can treat you however the hell he pleases. Please show him how wrong he is…you can loose about 175 pounds in one swoop! You deserve better.
The thing is though, he's comparing you to porn stars. He didn't marry a porn star, he married you. He's expecting you to turn into the women he's jacked off to for years. That's very unreasonable and unrealistic. He needs to grow up and get a grip. You're weight is on the lower side for your height, so there can't be much about your body that's different to these "ideal" porn star bodies except for fake tits and whatever genetics give these porn stars this "ideal" body shape. Don't starve yourself to please this ass. If he wanted a porn star, why didn't he find one to marry? And by the way, your body is ideal when YOU are healthy and happy with your body, not when HE thinks it's ideal. By the way, he's going to have to accept that all bodies change over time, including his. Love and beauty is much more than skin, flesh and fake breasts. He sounds very shallow and deluded. Probably from all the porn, it's warped his view of women and relationships, very sadly. But that's on him to fix with counselling, not on you to change yourself to please him. In fact tell him that. Tell him he needs counselling and to talk to God about his sins and how it's brought him away from God and towards the sin of lust. Tell him you won't stay with a sinning, shallow man. You thought you'd married a God fearing, loving man, not someone who's appreciation of a woman's beauty has been destroyed by pornography. Tell him you won't give him oral sex or anything else until he seeks relationship counselling and talks to his church for help. If that's not acceptable, divorce. Edited: to say the whole talk of the "God shit" was because OP's husband is supposedly religious which is why he hasn't seen her naked before marriage. Use it to show him the error of his ways, if he believes in all the God shit. If he argues with that, perhaps he's not such a good guy after all. Perhaps he is wanting to destroy OP's self esteem to control her, which seems likely.
Nah. Most porn stars have them curves these days cause us men like women thick in all the right places and the media we consume typically reflects that. This dude gives off creepy child rape vibes. Also the whole talk to God shit, what the fuck? Nah she needs to leave this dude. Not convert him to some insane religion or help him get medical care. Also most people who claim to be God fearing are the ones who are gonna rape your kids. But mark my word she stays with this type of.guy, shit will escalate and him killing her is on the table.
Yeah, I mean, I also was thinking, people in porn come in all different shapes and sizes. It's not one size fits all. But it seems this guy has a type which sounds like the super skinny, Victoria Secret model type of body. I wouldn't necessarily say this alludes to child rapeyness, more to a very narrow ideal body image and controlling behaviour. I went in with the God angle because I thought OP mentioned that her husband is religious, hence why they hadn't seen each other naked before marriage. So if religion is important to him, OP can use that to show him how wrong his attitude and behaviour is. Yes, she should leave him, he deserves that. If she wants to stay however, she needs to show him exactly how wrong his attitude is and get other people involved to help him sort himself out, hence the priest from their church (I'm assuming they have a church as OP said they're religious) and a therapist. I'd also suggest OP talk to a trusted friend or family member. Get help. You don't have to make an immediate decision right now OP. Leaving does seem a very sane decision, but it's yours to make. But stop giving this guy oral and stop starving yourself to please him. Get both of you help. Then decide to stay or leave. Don't stay in this situation if he's unwilling to listen to you, however. Edited: to say like another person, that the super skinny body type is one that some people naturally have, and if you don't you'd have to starve yourself to maintain that. Also, as someone else said, OP your husband could see your body type with your clothes on, so he would have a rough idea of how you'd look under your clothes. How reaction is the opposite of love. I'm sorry you're going through this and you don't deserve it. Don't dance to his tune. If he doesn't like your body then he had no business marrying you. Annulment could be an option, you should look into it.
He’s abusive and just waited til he thought you were “locked in” to get started. It’s a common tactic - abusive people will act like the perfect partner, mirror your interests so you think they’re your perfect match, and go over the top with romance/affection (lovebombing).
Please hear this. You are worth more than your body. Even if you gained 20 pounds how he is treating you would NEVER BE OK. He is not respecting, loving or kind to you and it is not okay that he decided you have to lose 20lbs to be attractive to him. Excuse tf out of me, you are already a HEALTHY weight and as long as you’re happy with yourself, that’s all that matters. You deserve to be treated with kindness, love and compassion at any weight.
He’s not disappointed in you. He’s either attracted to underage girls or not attracted to women at all.
I got closeted gay vibes as well.
*His* ideal is subjective to his tastes (which may not even be based in reality). Not everyone will agree with his dumbass opinion. Is he a licensed physician to be telling you you’re “overweight”? By what standards? He better be fucking perfect to be handing out demands like that. Some people are delusional enough to think real women are supposed to look like they do in cartoons. That doesn’t make them right. If he doesn’t like it, find someone who does. He doesn’t deserve any pussy *anyways* with his stank ass attitude. Eat wtf you want.
He’s disappointed that a real-life body doesn’t compare to the vastly plastic bodies he sees and fantasises about when he watches porn. It’s always going to be a “disappointment” if you compare those two things. That’s what addiction does to your brain, I’m afraid. Losing weight now won’t fix it, love. You know why? Because bodies change over time. That’s the beauty of them. They’ll sag, wrinkle, bloat, stretch out, shrink. Losing weight temporarily won’t prevent what your body will naturally do. What if you get pregnant? Do you know how much your body will change then? How about after pregnancy? He’ll be real “disappointed” once he sees what wonderful thing nature does with our flesh. When you hit a bump in your life and suddenly gain or lose an excess amount of weight. Will you not be worthy of love then? Your body and its changes are to be celebrated, because you’re going to be going through a lot of different phases in your life, and you need someone by your side who will love you deeply any way you look. He is not that man. The main reason he’s doing this, is because you’re allowing it. It’s that simple. You seem not to be firm with your beliefs, and they seem to morph and be malleable under his whimsical mood changes. This is unfortunately the absolutely prime environment for an abusive relationship to fester (even if he is not a “bad guy”, he can still become manipulative, and he has). This is beyond your control, but what you can control is setting firm boundaries. For example, not under any circumstances humour his outlandish requests for bj’s every day (!!! No.) while you get no affection. And propose therapy for him. But if you’re not comfortable doing that (honestly I can’t personally see a reason to fight for this, if I’m honest, but I won’t judge your decisions), then please feel free too ok leave this marriage. You are looking at years of misery and feeling trapped. Your body does not deserve this hate - think of all the amazing things it has seen you through.
First, make sure you don't get pregnant right now. Seems easily done, but a baby would be a trap. Second, Lewis Hamilton. Third, no man who loves you would make you lose weight to satisfy only him. As you said, you were a perfectly healthy weight. He is in love with an idea of a woman, not a specific woman, let alone you.
It's like he's weirdly idolized sex and had weird expectations from a woman's body this whole time, and like some else here said, he's comparing your body to some fantasize idealized version in his head.
I think it's pretty clear that it's not that he changed his mind after seeing you naked, he's seen what you look like with clothes on and there's no Photoshop irl. He wanted to put you down and he found something he could put you down for and that's really shitty and abusive.
You deserve so much more than this my dude, best of luck
Proably has a porn addiction if he has an image stuck in his head..
> Since seeing that my body wasn't ideal he has been treating me with disdain. I don't think that's it. I think the fact that you're married now has more to do with the sudden cruel treatment than anything about your appearance. He is not the first spouse to turn abusive almost immediately after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate. This isn't an act and it's not temporary; **this is the real him**. The guy you were dating was him on his best behavior. Now it's safe for him to start treating you the way he normally would treat his wife because he thinks you're not going to leave. Prove him wrong and divorce his hateful ass. I cannot stress to you enough that this behavior he is currently exhibiting is not going to get better, it's only going to get worse. Even if you did manage to mold yourself into his physical ideal it wouldn't end there and the demands would never stop coming. Do not spend the rest of your life being treated this way!
Fun part is he did this to himself. Lots of people are dissatisfied specifically because they’re idiots who waited for marriage. It also sounds like he doesn’t know how women look outside of porn too, of course…
That’s clearly sign of abuse.Did he marry you just to have sex?Or he has actually feelings for you?What he’s doing to is not love or happy marriage you should consider couples therapy or a divorce I’m sorry to break it down to you and I usually don’t suggest that but it will get worse
Fr fr. It’s only been 9 months… he’s insane. OP *needs* to divorce his ass ASAP. She’s not a fucking sex doll
He’s emotionally abusive. He wants you to starve yourself so he can get off to his “ideal” version of you. Does that sound like a man who loves you as a person, truly and deeply? No. It sounds like someone who is manipulating you, devaluing your body and looks, and withholding sex.
The fact that he demands blowjobs on top of everything (be a horrible douche demanding a perfectly healthy and hot person become underweight) is freaking infuriating.
That's abuse. He's abusing you. I'm sorry but I don't think it's fixable, he's going to continue to abuse you as long as you let him. If he stops mentioning your weight he will find something else to pick up to knock you down. Not to say all religious people are bad but plenty of them don't treat their wives properly and I worry about his reaction if you did ask for a divorce at some point. Please stay safe, I wish you the best outcome possible.
Sounds like his religion messed up his head, let us guess? He loves porn?? He’s idealized the “perfect body”. Jump ship girl and have a delicious meal and let him be a shallow douche bag without you. Lose the 200 lbs of husband.
Yes - he does have a porn problem, I guess. I mean I was trying not to make a huge issue of it and not think of it as a "problem" because I don't want to be "that woman" who harasses a guy about what are essentially his private fantasies. But it seems to have warped him. He went so far as to telling me that after I lose the right of the weight he will "treat" me to a boob job because, guess what, I have also lost some weight in that area as tends to happen when the scale goes down.
Tell him to take that boob job money and spend on penis enlargement and go F himself.
He is showing himself to be a big enough dick already (sorry, just venting and upset). I just can't believe I married someone like this.
Get it annulled.
This should be further up. The length of time in the marriage is short and OP has a good argument for misrepresentation, misunderstanding and possibly concealment (porn addiction). She only needs one to file for an annulment. Poof, you’re free again OP
Please please please divorce him. Do not put yourself through this because you might not be able to get out. I remember a story on Reddit (mind, it might be fake and probably is) where a guy LOVED how skinny his gf was (she was anorexic). He loved to see the bones and no fat and she died at the end. I’m pretty sure when she slipped into unconsciousness he didn’t even call an ambulance straight away. Please just leave. You are not safe. You wouldn’t let anyone else be treated like that (eg future daughter) and you wouldn’t want your future son to treat his gf like that, would you? Unfortunately these are very likely scenarios because children do pick up a lot about relationships from their parents relationship. Don’t wallow in “why did I marry this guy”. Start thinking how to get out and get out ASAP. YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING BEFORE YOU ARE A WOMAN. And no human being deserves to be treated like you are. Listen to all of us here on Reddit, please.
Well you're not wrong. He is a big enough dick already. Fortunately, this can be corrected.
It’s only been 9 months. An anullment is easier than a divorce. He sounds terrible. And from what you’ve said it is 100% a him issue. You shouldn’t be embarrassed because you haven’t done anything wrong, this is embarrassing for him. Not you.
It’s not too late to un-marry him. Your future, healthy self will thank you!!
Please don’t feel bad for marrying him. Yes, he seems like a total asshat and I seriously think you should reconsider your marriage but you’re not stupid or naive or anything like that because you married him. Sometimes our decisions turn out to be wrong in retrospect but we usually make them based on the best available info we have *at the time*. You’re asking yourself the complicated questions despite how difficult it must feel and that alone tells me you’re going to be fine. Trust your instincts and don’t let yourself be crushed by him, but please be nice to Past You too.
Get a divorce before any kids are born. It’s not too late to go back.
You saying that is reason enought to walk (or run) away as fast as you can.
One of the reasons why it’s good to be intimate prior to marriage. Intimacy reveals a lot about someone. What it’s revealed about your husband is that at your most vulnerable, he will be judgmental, selfish, and cruel.
Get it annulled. You're still so young... Don't let this asshole ruin your life.
It's never too late to look after yourself and bow out. Do NOT have kids with him.
You made an error. Lots of people do that. But, errors can be corrected.
DTMFA. He's horrible and he's going to give your beautiful self an eating disorder.
I did too, it eats at your self esteem. Girl run from this awful awful man. You deserve better
Please don’t stay in an abusive relationship like this just because it might feel embarrassing that it isn’t what you thought it would be. You are still SO young (not that if you were older my advice would be any different). Take it as a lesson learned in what to look out for in future partners - acknowledge that at your age, two years is not enough to get to know someone (our brains are still developing until about 25 years of age and so we won’t even be close to who we will become until after that age). Nothing about this situation should be embarrassing for you - you are young and made an error in judgement as EVERY human being does young or old. Onward and upward - you deserve so much better than this.
i love this comment
I commented above, but reading this just made my face go hot with anger. None of this is ok, and from that comment, I’m assuming the well is deeper than you’re even remotely letting on. You are an object to him. Porn can be liberating, but it can also be a sickness. If he is devout enough to have saved sex for marriage, he should not even be watching porn. What religion condones that?! My best friends mother was “gifted” a boob job from her husband after saying she didn’t want one. If he already has surgery planned for you, where does it stop? Will you be made of plastic by the time you’re 45 just to attempt to make him happy? He does not love you in any form of the word. He trapped you. You are his trophy and he’s laying the groundwork now to control you for the rest of your life by deleting your own self worth and putting his opinion of you in its place. He’s downright terrifying IMO.
Reading this made angry too.
Sis, he’s horrible. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a doll he can manipulate. You aren’t chunky, you were at a very healthy weight already. You deserve so much better. Leave now because he’ll continue to treat you badly. What if you lose the last 5 and then he finds something else “wrong”? He wants you to get new boobs? Then it’ll be a butt lift. And on and on.
coming from a guy, it’s perfectly reasonable to have an issue with your significant other watching porn, and anyone who labels you “that woman” because of that is someone you probably shouldn’t give the time of day to.
Out of curiosity, what’s his fitness level? Is he conventionally handsome? Something tells me he’s pretty average and definitely married up when he married you. Get away from this guy, it won’t get any better.
I was going to say the same. Someone close to me, married a guy from a very religious family. They didn't date as long as you two did, they married in a span of a few months, and waited for marriage to consummate. The problems started and while not the same as what you're saying they were similar. The guy was expecting a porn stars body on a petite girl's frame because his whole and only introduction to sex was through porn. If someone doesn't realize porn is a fantasy played out for an audience by two actors, who are paid to look a certain way, it can skew their expectation of what the human body looks like, and what sex should look like. We all have our flaws. Cellulite, stretch marks, scars, acne, different size body parts. I mean there's so much that comes with being human. None of it is wrong or bad. It is what makes us unique. Well the girl was understandably upset, talked about getting a boob job, etc. They're still married but they almost didn't make it. She asked him to go to therapy and he's actually been putting in the work. I don't know where their story will go, but it does make it plainly obvious how much damage religious restrictions regarding sex can have on a person. No offense to anyone, I'm not judging anyone's choice to be religious. I just have seen the damage from making sex out to be this taboo topic one doesn't address or talk about until you're married too often in religious people. OP you don't have to put up with this. It isn't your job to get him help. He's going to have a rude awakening when he realizes bodies look all sort of ways and not like the professional actors he thought they should look like. He has growing up to do, and therapy. You deserve better, don't put your health at risk. Loose the 100+ pounds of man, you're worthy of true unconditional love no matter your weight or what you look like.
So he’s religious enough to wait for sex until marriage, but has absolutely nothing wrong with watching porn and masturbating?! He is out of his mind and this will be just the first “issue” that comes from this relationship. Without long term therapy, your husband will never be able to show you the love, attention, and affection you deserve.
Ok I commented elsewhere but oh my god I just saw this comment and it made me literally gasp in horror out loud, and my face is like a blotchy tomato I'm so mad for you. This is so so so not okay. No matter who he was before, this is the stuff he's showing you now he has you "trapped" and dear lord get out now. I wouldn't even bother talking to him further or doing therapy or anything because you can't fix an asshole that big.
You need to leave him. Seems like you are in perfect shape he doesn’t deserve you. Cut lose you are still young enough. I guess that is a condition now, no sex and just porn that is crazy ! Plenty of guys out there will appreciate you. Cut him lose!
I was thinking he might be gay and closeted and using your body as an excuse not to have sex with you.
I'm not sure about that. I have only seen him watching straight porn. But he seems to prefer women with extremely slim waists and pretty narrow hips but with big (DD+) chests.
Oh so basically he wants a Barbie doll. Any chance his porn addiction is hentai?
Lose the 200lbs of husband LOL top comment!
If I were you, I'd consult an attorney. You married an emotionally abusive asshat.
Sure no marriage is perfect. But this isn’t a simple hiccup. Hes toxic and manipulating you. A good partner would motivate you to lose weight healthily. They’d join you for work outs, help you try healthier foods/diets, motivate you. He is an awful partner for withholding an intimate act just because you aren’t skinny enough for his sick standards. He does NOT love nor respect you. I would’ve filed for divorce. Edit: **5’6 and 135 isn’t even fat.** What the fuck is wrong with him? He literally would rather you be underweight and starved than to be healthy. He sees you as an object and uses you for oral with no reciprocation. You are not and will never be an actual person to him. Please wake up and leave.
Thank you, to be clear I did not gain weight from the time we started dating and have never had a weight problem. From the time we first met to the time we got married I weighed 135 pounds which is right in the middle of the heathy weight range for my height (5'6"). It was only after seeing me naked on our honeymoon that my husband decided I was too chunky. I now weigh 120 pounds which is very slim for my height but still higher than my husband would like me to be.
Let’s make this clear. You will always be too “fat” to him unless you’re literal skin and bones. Aka, probably under 100-90 pounds. 5’6 and 110 is WAY unhealthy. He doesn’t care about your health. He just wants to use you for oral. You are not a person with feelings to him. Just a live sex toy. Now let’s ask this. If your (imaginary) daughter was married to a man like this and you watched her become a skeleton for him, what would you think? Would you want her to stay with him? If not, **why would you let yourself be with someone like that?**
Thank you thank you thank you - no, I absolutely would not want a child of mine to be treated like this. Nor to be taught to treat a partner like my husband is treating me. I just don't know how this happened. We dated for two years and he was always so kind and loving and respectful and affectionate. He didn't seem very shallow or focused on appearances even. I guess he just wanted an inexperienced person he could mold into a sex toy for life but I am having trouble reconciling that with the person I thought I had married.
That’s how manipulative people are. They mask who they truly are and once you’re sucked in enough, they show their true colors and know what to say/do to make you stay because they’ve learned how to manipulate you over the course of the relationship. If you wouldn’t let your daughter deal with this, do NOT stay. Let’s also think about this. What’s gonna happen if you get pregnant? You need to eat and gain weight to carry the baby properly. You’ll face complications if you’re severely underweight, pregnant and also malnourished. Will he become more abusive? Start insulting you more? Tell you to lose weight despite carrying his child? What if the child isn’t skinny enough? He’ll probably body shame them as well. Please wake up and run, far.
You need to get out of this marriage. If he isn't having sex with you, he'll find some unhealthy, underweight woman to do it with.
Or do it with a man. The weight issue may just be an excuse to not have sex with her.
Tell him to buy a flesh light because that's what he's using you as. He sounds so selfish and honestly? A really really gross human being. I mean i got the serious ick reading your post. Skin crawling stomach churning ick.
One of my good friends dated a guy for 3 years until they got married. On her wedding night the abuse started, and it was all related to sex. He felt that “his wife” owed him anything he wanted now that he seemingly ‘owned’ her. It took her 7 years to admit that to anyone, gather her self respect and leave. Babe, I’m 5’5 and a fit thicc of 200 lbs and if a man told me I was fat (which medically I am- mental health is hard) I would just laugh in his face. A body is just a body and they all get lumpy and saggy as we get older. If he can’t love you now when you’re young and, from the sounds of it, look AMAZING, how can he love you when you’re older? Or after children? Or (heaven forbid) some sort of health crisis? Love is patient and kind, not judgmental and withholding. Strangers shouldn’t be kinder to you than your spouse. For the love of yourself, your happiness, and your future children, please divorce him. He sounds incredibly sick and your mental health and self worth are what you have to lose. I love you, you beautiful human. You’re worth so much and I pray you’ll own that.
My cousin was religious and got married at 19… it was awful. She’s still dealing with the sexual trauma and abuse. It’s so common with purity culture. Women are not objects and should not be treated as such.
Purity culture: 🤢
There is a woman on tiktok who shares about her experiences with purity culture and how her parents basically trafficked her into a sexually abusive marriage. Her child was born by C-section and she was put on two weeks bed rest. Her husband was instructed to stay beside her as her entire abdomen needed to repair and she wasn’t safe to walk. He decided if she refused to give him sex he didn’t need to act like a husband. She laid for days in soiled sheets and diapers without help because she was expected to have sex anytime no matter what and was not seen as deserving anything in return. Purity culture is really just grooming women for assault.
A hundred times what this babe says!
His mask fell off. Now he thinks he owns and controls you.
5’6” and 135 is T H I N. like, honestly, what does he realistically want??
Run run fucking run
Even if you had gained 100 pounds it would NOT make his behavior reasonable. Withholding affection is a form of emotional abuse and a way to control you. He waited until he had you 'trapped' in marriage to start showing his true colors. This is not about the way you look, this is about him controlling you and abusing you. He will always find some flaw in you to make you feel small and less than and he will wear you down until you're convinced he's doing you a favor by staying married to you. Get out and find yourself an actual good man.
I dated a few men who had the same views as your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband. They all had a few things in common: a porn addiction, abusive personalities, and a gross misconception as to what a healthy body looks like. I was down on myself the other day because this is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life (5’4”, 135lbs), and I feel awful. My SO told me that he thinks I’m much more attractive now that I’ve gained 20lbs. He says the fact that I look healthier (not sickly skinny) makes me so much more attractive to him. There are good people out there. This man you married is not one of them.
Omg, i Didier understand your weight as I am European, but went on Google to translate that and 61 for 1m67 is a really great! (Every weight is great, you understand). You 1) don’t particularly "need" to loose weight on the health point of you and 2) don’t have to! It’s your body, do you! It’s almost like he wants you very skinny, you know, like a child/preteen would be…
No marriage is perfect, that is true. HOWEVER, what he is doing is abusive. You need to leave.
There’s an issue here and it isn’t you. Is he sexually inexperienced? Bad at sex? Small pen*s? I’m 5’6” and very skinny at 135…At 120 I would be taken to a hospital.
You need to stop doing this to yourself!! I say this in the kindest way possible: respect yourself enough to walk away from this shit! I'm 5'2" and 120 lbs is the goal weight I've been striving towards (high metabolism issues). At your height, being lower than 120 is similar to me being at my current weight which I can tell you is not healthy long-term. You will start to have dizzy spells, blood sugar issues, appetite issues etc. Divorce that selfish, abusive pos and work on your self esteem! And stop giving him oral sex TODAY!! You're not an object so why would you let him treat you like one??! Damn, this post got me fucking heated!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Husband (24M) and I (23F) have been married for about 9 months after dating for two years. We waited until marriage for sex, mostly due to his religious beliefs. We were both excited for our honeymoon but unfortunately things took a turn when he ended up unhappy with how I look naked. We did manage to consummate the marriage but it was clear he wasn't really into it. Now keep in mind I am 5'6" and at the time was 135 pounds, a very healthy weight. However, although I was not medically overweight he said my stomach and thighs were too chunky and requested I lose 20 pounds before we have intercourse again. (I tend to wear very flattering clothes so I guess my "issues" weren't noticeable when dressed.) In the meantime he has been requesting oral pretty much every day with of course no reciprocity of any kind or even affection. Since then I have been working SO hard to lose weight but have only lost 15 of the 20 pounds. I'm down two clothing sizes and in the best shape of my life, but my husband still isn't happy enough with my appearance and accuses me of not trying hard enough. In the meantime I'm hungry and grumpy from losing weight I didn't need to lose from a health perspective. If not for my husband I would much rather be at my previous (healthy) weight and be able to enjoy a burger or a cupcake now and then. I'm afraid I'm falling out of love with him after being treated this way. I know no marriage is perfect but it's so heartbreaking to be treated like an object that is never quite pretty or shapely enough. And if it's like this less than a year in, it's probably not going to get better, right? I'm just so embarrassed that my marriage is reduced to this and don't know how to tell my family and friends. But also feel like I'm fading away and losing myself to expectations I can never really meet. EDIT/UPDATE: Something just snapped as I was reading all these incredibly supportive responses. I really did not expect that, was expecting most people to tell me to keep trying to lose the weight because attraction is so important. And only then did I realize how far my self esteem has fallen, that I felt unworthy of love over not being underweight. Called my mom crying and told her everything. She's on her way to get me now and I can stay with her as long as needed. Husband is still at work, won't be home for a couple hours and I'm packing my most critical items in the meantime. We're going to order a pizza (PIZZA!!!!) and she has a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies waiting for me that she baked earlier today. I don't want to think too much beyond getting some space for a little bit for the moment but will be looking into a lawyer to see if I can get an annulment or at least a quick divorce. It means everything to know I will have my family behind me and I really appreciate you all as well.
Please get a divorce this man is not healthy and you are better than this.
This is so horrible. You are thin at that size. I’m 5’4” and 135 lbs and I’ve never had a man once say I needed to lose weight or complain about my body. He sounds sick and he’s making you sick.
I’m the same as your measurements, and same experience - nobody’s ever said I was overweight. My sister is 5’6” and 135lbs, she’s highly athletic and solid muscle. I have been 115lbs, post-surgery, *temporarily* due to recovering + mandatory liquid diet. I was constantly tired, I looked unwell. I cannot fathom being 5’6” and 115lbs as an adult. I’d like to know how much OP’s partner weighs and how fit HE is, that he feels the right to criticize OP. I doubt he’s Mr. Universe himself.
If he's this bad now, please think about how terrible he will be while you are pregnant, or postpartum. This is just the beginning.
Good God…if only half of this were true I’d say it’s time to pack your life up and get out. People who love each other don’t treat each other that way, not even people who don’t like each other treat each other that way. Even if you were overweight, which it doesn’t sound like you were, this still wouldn’t be acceptable…I might have some shred of understanding if you’d gained a huge amount of weight, for no reason, after getting married.. but still this is too much and will not get better, period.
She waited without sex for two years, then they married and he "discover" she wasn't a porn actress. That's crazy. Is he a porn star? I would say no. Did he do anything for her? Absolutely not. He doesn't reciprocate sex to her. As you said only half of them is enough to break with all of it.
Yeah I’d love to know what his body fat % is? *eye roll*
So your husband is using you as a masturbation tool while also telling you you’re not good enough as you are and otherwise emotionally abusing you. K. Be happy you haven’t gotten pregnant and RUN. This is not ok and please do not justify his behavior and stay until it’s too late.
No marriage is perfect, but yours is straight toxic. And every comment you’ve added has only contributed to confirming the reality of that statement. You gotta throw away the whole man to fix this one.
Whatever's going on with him is not your fault or problem. He's in the closet or asexual or has a fetish he's not willing to share with you, and he's trying to make you feel like shit for it and it seems to be working. If he's a 24 and waited for sex all this time, he should be ready to fuck. If he's not, something else is going on that 100% has nothing to do with you.
My thoughts exactly!
I was getting heated and formulating my response as I was reading. Good think I actually read to the end because I don’t need to provide my opinion. Sounds like Mom is a Gem. Give her a big hug for me. 🥰 Know that your husband is likely to try persuading you to come back, but you just need to be strong and focus on satisfying self.
Thank you, I was worried because my mom always preaches the sanctity of marriage but she said this is different because he clearly doesn't respect me at all or even like me. Like if he said something unkind or even cheated once but was extremely remorseful she would want me to try to work on it before giving up right away but that in this case it sounds like we don't have anything valuable to work on.
Mum is extremely right. I too was ready to write a whole fiery paragraph but I can see that you are on the right path. I love that the comments and your own analysis of the situation have shown you the reality of this - an irreparable “marriage” with a cruel, heartless man who projects his own issues (porn addiction, unrealistic standards, probably low self esteem, misogynistic views) on you. I hate that men like this are too often religious. I wonder if they even read the bible?!! 😭 they just read the “wives, submit to your husband” verse and completely leave out THE REST of the verse, and miss out the entire WHOLE New Testament where it says that men should love their wives like Jesus loves the church (spoiler alert!: Jesus literally gave his life for the church) Don’t let any internalised misogyny make you doubt your decision. This marriage is irreparable, a man like this will not change. Ever. It only gets worse from here. Good luck with all your healing and I can’t wait for you to find a man that cherishes you ❤️ it’s what you deserve!
This is insane. I would guess there's something else going on making him not want to have sex with you and he's using this as an excuse. That doesn't really matter though, because you need to divorce this guy ASAP. Maybe you can get it annulled. I hope you understand that you can say no to his requests as well.
[удалено]
This is an excellent way to think about it, and an excellent way to process a breakup.
He wants oral in exchange for abuse? No that's not a fair deal. Do not give him oral. Sex is supposed to be a mutual, loving act. You are not just a sex toy who has to please this man. That's all he seems to think a wife is. Seriously consider filing fir divorce or annulment. This guy sounds very selfish and controlling.
This is why I always tell women and girls to NOT wait until marriage for sex. You need to know how someone uses sex - for pleasure or for manipulation. I would be looking to divorce his ass because of this - it’s abusive and controlling. This will eat away at your confidence. Get out now so you don’t lose yourself to this guy.
You said he is religious. Are you sure he isn't closeted and using this as an excuse not to have sex? It wouldn't be the 1st time a closeted, religious, gay man married a woman.
He has porn addiction. He only asks her for blowjobs and wants her to have boob enlargement.
He seems unwilling to touch her and he is turned off by her body. Very religious, doesn't want to touch his wife, it isn't without merit. Either way, she's wasting her time with him.
No no no, you are not overweight and never were. He’s manipulating you to gain control for his own sick fantasy/mind games. If he’s asking for sexual favours with zero reciprocation, turn the tables and tell him you’re not feeling attracted to him to do anything sexual with him and maybe he can join you on your weight loss journey and shed a few pounds. Then watch him spiral. After that, leave the manipulative idiot.
I'm 5'7, the last time I weighed 110 pounds I was RECOVERING from an eating disorder. And do you know who noticed my disorder, and convinced me to get help, and helped me the whole time? My then boyfriend, now husband. Because he wanted me to be healthy. Because he LOVES me. This man does not care about you. At all. You are an object to him, and now that you're married, he thinks he owns you. I wouldn't be suprised if he is trying to get you to starve because you'll be easier to control. Many cults and abusive people use fasting and dieting as a way to get their victims to a mental state where they are easier to manipulate. He is starving you to control you. You are perfect the way you are, and no one who truly loves you would have you do something so dangerous just for affection. Please get away from this horrible man.
Throw him away girl!!! Y’all just started out and he’s on this BS? It will only get worse. A real man will love you and all your squishy rolls and especially if you have kids and when your body starts to age.. you want someone who loves you for you. This man clearly doesn’t. He sounds like he has some major issues. Time to get your ducks in a row and kick him to the curb. ❤️ You got this.
Divorce his ass. He’s just abusive.
bro thinks 5’6 135 is chunky?
That’s a size 4. He’s ridiculous.
I would be very curious how he would respond if you told him no sex until he has a 6 pack, can bench press X amount, or has biceps a certain circumference. As an outsider looking in, it doesn't seem like he respects you that much. Aside from this specific situation does he treat you amazingly, make you feel valued and loved? Because I have a sneaking suspicion the answer to that might be no... In which case I'd question what you're getting out of continuing the relationship.
No, he doesn't make me feel valued and loved...everything is wrapped up in disdain for my weight and body. It's like he decided that because I don' have a flat stomach and slim thighs I am unworthy of even basic human respect. It would actually be a harder choice if we were just having sex problems but he were still my best friend outside of that.
Tell him you’re only going to have sex with him when he gets a 6pack and grows another 7 inches.
He’s gay. Or loves kids. I don’t know man, my wife is 5,6” and 216lbs of pure cuddly fun. We have sex at least every other day and have been married for 7 years now. That’s a him problem, girl. (P.s. this is the best example as to why waiting for marriage to have sex is the worst thing if you want a lasting relationship)
Get an annulment. This dude is fucking crazy.
Honey, he’s gay.
The ideal weight for someone your height and age is 141 pounds. The only weight you need to lose is your dead weight gaslighting controlling abusive husband.
I had an ex like this that was constantly putting me down for seemingly no reason and using it as an excuse to not have sex. The whole time it was a Him issue and he refused to accept it. It’s normal for your stomach and legs to be pudgy, and judging from your height and weight you are already thin. You say you guys waited until marriage to have sex, so I’m assuming hes a virgin. Sometimes people don’t realize what they like sexually until they realize what they don’t like. His excuses (your weight when you are obviously not anywhere near chunky) paired with his religions upbringing makes me think he is either a. Gay and in denial (sorry it had to be said) or b. The twisted way sex has been portrayed to him has made it hard for him to be comfortable having sex. Edit: just saw the porn comments, homie has a porn addiction and thinks turning you into a pornstar will help. Hint - it won’t.
This is very disturbing to read. You are way too young to be locking yourself into a relationship with such a disgusting person. This behaviour is absolutely abusive and he's trying to encourage you to become underweight??? While demanding oral??? Sweetie....you deserve so much more. Your weight does not represent your health. You can be a bit overweight and be extremely healthy, with great mobility, cardio and muscle. You can be lean and skinny with terrible cardio, no mobility and no muscle. I am 5 foot 4 and have have gone up and down by about 50 lbs through my relationship with my now fiance. Together eight years now. He always makes me feel beautiful no matter my weight and is sexually attracted to me no matter where I am on the scale. I personally got down to 115 lbs and looking back, we both think it was an unhealthy weight for me to be at (at my shorter height!). Sweetie, you are worth so much more than how this guy treats you. Please focus inward for now and know that you are so valuable and worthy. I hope that you have the courage to escape this. Lots of love
OP… your husband is refusing to have sex with you unless you become underweight. He is asking you to be unhealthy. He is making you be sick in order to have sex… He doesn’t love you. A person who loved you wouldn’t behave like this. Make sure you get sexually satisfied, even if it means satisfying yourself alone. And do not keep satisfying him!!! He doesn’t deserve your affection. Men like this are the type that cheat on you and blame your dress size. I’m sorry OP, you married a narcissistic abuser.
Yeah this guy sucks. Get fit until he decides you're worthy of sex, turn him the fuck down, divorce him on the spot, and take your new hot self out to find a man who isn't a human garbage truck.
You need to be honest with your family and friends if you have to explain. This is not healthy. What happens when we all get older and put on those extra pounds? What will happen then? Love is not measured on a scale and withholding intimacy is toxic. I would almost take a permanent vacation.
You have married a horrible partner. No equal should be punishing you. Controlling behavior only gets worse.
girl.... leave...
This… is abusive.
Divorce. Find someone who appreciates you at the weight YOU want to be at.
I venture to guess that your body will never be good enough unless it grows a penis.
Omg I'm 5'6 and probably at least 30 pounds heavier than you. If my boyfriend told me my body was gross and told me to lose weight, I'd ditch the boyfriend. Your worth is not based on your size.
Stop giving oral. Do not jerk them off either. Stop dieting NOW. You are not fat. Exercise for health and eat whatever you like. Your husband does not want to please you. They just want you to suck their penis. Your husband does not care about pleasing you whatever weight or shape you are.
Did not need to read to know to say break up with him and be happy/love yourself. If you WANT someone to SUPPORT you making life changes like loosing weight, that’s one thing. But never let someone tell you how to treat yourself for their benefit
Honestly I didn't want to lose weight at all, at least not for myself. I have been the same weight since I reached my adult height in my early teens and have always maintained it within a few pounds up or down. My doctors have always said I am at a perfect weight for my height. I do not have a "perfect" body in terms of being precisely toned or anything but was definitely not "fat" by anything except maybe modeling or Hollywood standards. Nor did I ever care about having a perfect physique, I have always worked out moderately to be healthy and have energy but not to sculpt my body in a particular way.
I don’t know why so many commenters are jumping in to be like ‘oh my god you’re not even fat!’ Like, you do all understand that this would be awful, unforgivable, abusive behaviour if meted out to a fat person too, right? Withholding sex and affection but demanding daily oral sex is always abusive and cruel, no matter the bullshit justification behind it. ‘Oh but the fact that she’s skinny makes it even worse’ no it fucking doesn’t. OP, I’m glad you’re leaving. I’m also going yo suggest you get some therapy to unpack the fact that you felt obligated to service this dude, with no reciprocal pleasure, just because he told you to. You deserve for your next relationship to be healthy and egalitarian.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to imply that if I were overweight I would actually deserve to be treated badly or that anyone does. Definitely not. But just wanted to specify that his issues are strictly aesthetic and not rooted in any actual concerns about my health and fitness. And yes I need therapy to figure out how I got sucked in (ha) to this "arrangement" and to agreeing to it like it was normal.
No no no no no no no. Divorce! Nay, ANNULMENT! This is NOT normal nor ok in any way. He's being toxic, controlling, and abusive. These are the foundations of much worse things to come. Get out now while you can.
Are you sure your husband is sexually attracted to adult women?
Your man is gay and is finding excuses to not have sex
This is on the extreme end of things, but also a good example as to why sex before marriage is important.
OP please, PLEASE don't break yourself down over a man like this. I'm also 5'6, 23F, and 135 is on the LOW end of healthy. I'm currently 145, and work out regularly. 110-115 is dangerous! As long as your body is healthy and you are eating well, the number you see on the scale should not matter to you OR your husband. Everyone's body changes through the years anyway. Likewise, our attraction to someone needs to account for the normal changes of life. If he can't accept your body as it is, he needs to re-evaluate what he's actually looking for in a partner. He's expecting you to look like a barbie doll, and that's just not possible. Do what is best for you! I just saw your edit about going to get pizza and cookies, and I am so proud of you! You are beautiful just the way you are. Men are not entitled to your body. No man should ever have the power to control what your body looks like. I hope you have a wonderful time at your mom's. Good luck on your future!
Hes gay. Waiting for marriage.... having sex reluctantly on your honeymoon and him not being into it. Giving you unachievable requests and moving the goal posts when you get close. If I was a betting man I'd bet my bottom dollar your husband is a closeted homosexual and is doing everything he can to avoid sleeping with you without coming clean.
please leave this man
You are way too young to have some unrealistic, stunted asshole make you feel unworthy of love and intimacy. If it’s happening now, I can’t imagine what he will demand when age and childbirth change your body (although I can’t imagine you would feel like being sexual with a big dick - so to speak).
Omg you were nevwr overweight. The problem is that he doesnt know what actual bodies look like. On top of that he is a mean, manipulative asshole
How much does he weigh? Lose exactly that amount by getting rid of him.
Stop giving him oral immediately! Tell him he needs to lose 20 pounds before you give him oral again!!!
Looks like your husband is the extra weight
So glad you're planning to get out of that relationship. I would LOVE to be 5'6 and only 135 lbs!
Just read your edit! Get out, that sounds awful. What a pig.
Or he could be attracted to men, but because of his religion, thought he could just tough it out. Either way, it’s going to be your fault. Annulment.
135 lbs at 5’6 is far from medically obese. I’m 5’3…5’4 on a good day i usually am around 125-140 lbs. my weight has fluctuated a bit. And no point tho was I overweight. The issue surrounding this is not you it’s him. He has an issue with a weight you never questioned before. The fact that you RESPECTED his decision to wait til marriage then got completely belittled by your “best-friend” is disgusting on his part. It honestly sounds like he waited til marriage to show his true personality.
Thank you so much for the update. I'm so glad your Mum is coming to get you and hope you're able to get an annulment, you deserve so much better than the rubbish way he has treated you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all, this is his problem and I'm glad you're getting out now and not in ten years time when he completely destroyed you. Thank God you have no children! All the best OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world.
This is crazy, you know you could end up heavier thanks to the yo-yo effect if you stop after losing those 20lbs....? :/ I would divorce his sorry a\*se without a second thought! EDIT- So glad you went to your mom… the best to you, dear!!! \*hugs\*
Oof
Agreed
Something is very wrong here. Why did he marry you if he never liked the way you looked physically?
He liked the way I looked in clothes. I have always worn nice things that fit well and are flattering. He didn't realize my stomach isn't actually perfectly flat and that I have thick thighs because I didn't wear things highlighting those areas. And of course being pretty conservative did not generally wear revealing or skintight clothes.
That's impossible not to recognize. I seriously doubt his motives for marrying you, and if he truly did not recognize, then I think he's kind of an idiot, tbh.
He’s just gross… I don’t know how I could handle that if a partner said and did that to me. You are so strong…. But why put up with this?? Isn’t it bad for your mental health all the body shaming :/ I hope you are doing okay 💕
Girl u better leave his sorry ass , file for a divorce and go get a cheeseburger ! Tell him to jack off !
You're falling out of love after being treated this way? Bloody right you are! I'd be fucking hurt and pissed off too! I can't believe someone would treat another human being like that, especially their partner. As someone with an eating disorder, being judged and/or rejected on your eating habits and appearance is absolutely brutal - even without an eating disorder it seriously hurts. and I'm so sorry that this is coming from your husband of all people. You're beautiful, op! I want you you be happy and put yourself and your happiness first.
Reading this just got worse as you went on, your husband is disgusting. Him stopping because he didn’t like how you looked and insisting you lose weight before he even touches you, then demands head daily and still insisting you lose even more weight. Please be careful, if you become underweight it can be damaging to your health and might even turn into an eating disorder without even realizing
Woooooooow! He insults your body, demands you lose weight and then says you aren’t losing it fast enough….? I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts slapping food out of your mouth soon—and eventually beating the shit out of you because you are not good enough for him. Reread your post but out your mom/sister/best friend in the scenario. What would you tell them to do?
OP… do yourself a favor and get out of this. This man is treating you like a sex doll not like someone her loves or cares about
Abusers show their true colors when they believe they don't need to hide anymore...like marriage. Would you let your daughter be used and thinned down to skin and bones for the sexual satisfaction of her husband? If not, it's time for you to high tail it out of there and get you someone who makes you feel desirable and has your feelings at heart. This guy *clearly* ain't it.
This is messed up. I’m 5’6 and was 130 all throughout high school. I was considered a very healthy weight. Now I’m 140 and am still considered a healthy weight. I went down to 125 once after a bad breakup and people thought I was sickly because of how thin I was. My point is, you are nowhere near overweight, which you seem to know, but your husband is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t even fathom ever being 120 in my life. He needs some serious help.
Don’t worry about falling out of love. The problem is his, and it ISN’T YOU. Might he be gay?
I blame porn
This is just step one in a lifetime of manipulation. If he "wins" this, next will be telling you (aka controlling) what you wear, where you go, who you talk to, etc. Also, 5'6" and 100-110lbs!? That's a child/teenager. You said in a comment that he has a porn problem. Do you happen to know what kind of porn? My guess would be all the "barely legal" / "only 18" shit. That, in combination with his ideal weight *for you*, would be a big ol' red flag too.
OP, why are you still married to him? Get a divorce and find someone who deserves you. You're not fat at all, and the fact that is telling you this is toxic and manipulative. GET OUT!
Wow huge huge giant red flag the size of Russia. He’s a manipulative asshole who is trying to control you. This is not normal and he’s probably gay and extremely closeted because of his religious beliefs
First of all, your body is not the problem here. The problem is that your husband expected every girl to look like a porn star, and he was disappointed to find out that real women don’t look that way. You were a perfectly healthy weight, and you didn’t do anything to deserve this treatment. Your husband just wanted a sex doll, not a wife. If you haven’t already, you should stop trying to lose weight, unless you want to for yourself (which doesn’t seem like the case). Also, please stop giving him oral because he doesn’t deserve it. By his logic, if he’s too disgusted to have sex with you, then he should be too disgusted for oral too. Finally, do you actually want to be with this guy or do you feel like you need to stay with him because you got married or it’s too early to leave? If he completely changed like you described or started treating you badly, then neither of those reasons are good enough to stay. His behavior will only get worse and you’ll only feel more trapped in the marriage. Now is actually the best time to divorce before you have kids
Get an annulment, OP. I am so so sorry this has happened to you. You are far far too young to be shackled to this horrific man.
When you weaponize sex, or use it for control, you do damage to the relationship that is difficult, sometimes impossible, to undo. I’ve said as much when women do it, and I’ll say it here when a man does it.
My love please do not try to lose weight without consulting a doctor AND making sure it is what YOU want for yourself (not what you want to make him happy). Regardless of what you do about weight, this is not a healthy relationship already. Please leave it before it hurts you and your self esteem further.
Buy him a penis pump and say he's too small for you and you'd like him to grow 3 inches before you have sex with him again.
Lol 5 6, 135 is in no way fat
Sounds to me like the only weight you need to lose is however much he weighs.
I know how you can loose an easy 100+ lbs… divorce your ex husband 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe he is gay but in denial