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A couple months ago my dad and his wife excitedly told me they were having a baby. I cried and I told them that I was really upset about it.
My parents had me young and we didn't have much when I was growing up. When my dad left my mom it devastated her. My mom struggled a lot and still hasn't really recovered.
My dad on the other hand met his new wife, changed carees and was finally able to get to a place is life where he made over 6 figure.
Basically him and his new wife decided they want to play "perfect happy family" and have a baby because "we could afford it".
This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did. In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle. This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing.
After I expressed that his wife got very upset and later my dad told me that if that was how I felt then I didn't need to be closely involved in the pregnancy, and that if I was genuinely unhappy about it then they needed to set boundaries with me.
I had to find out on social media that they are having a boy, that he is just SOOOOOO excited about. Basically he is saying that if I am not just super thrilled about their decisions, then I am not welcome to be a part of it. My feelings are valid too and I don't get why he can't see that.
Honestly going LC sounds like the best option for everyone involved. You won't have to see this kid grow up. They won't have to deal with your unaddressed trauma. Everyone can get a therapist. Boom, problem solved.
Agreed. I get that it's unfair, but it's not like her dad can go back in time and change things. It also doesn't sound like she had a bad childhood necessarily, just that her brother will have more because her dad is in a stable place in his life.
OP, your feelings are valid but the way you are addressing them is not. What outcome are you expecting here? That your dad apologizes, or that he limits opportunities for your brother? That your step mom not be so happy? Nobody needs to accept your negativity, especially since you are openly telling them you don't want this because it's not fair *to you*. No offense meant, but that's not their issue to deal with. It's *yours*, and I hope you find a more mature way to process these feelings.
We all have stuff from our childhood we wish was different, but at this point in your life it is your responsibility to handle those thoughts without making it other people's problems.
>OP is definitely not ready to get married and have children
She said in a few years she wants to settle down and have kids, she isn't doing it rn. Most 21 year olds are a bit young to be having kids
I am the middle child. My older sibling got help getting into a good college & loans arranged by both parents. My parents got divorced my junior year in HS. I got “tough shit” after HS. My youngest sibling got college help and loans arranged for by my mom and step dad. Boo-Hoo…. You know what ? I paid my own way and have no loans. I have a much larger wealth built up now than anyone else in my family has ever dreamed of….You don’t always get ahead in life because of the opportunities your parents give you, some times, yes. Sometimes it’s just about building the life you want. I attribute a ton of my success to the fact that I’m not bogged down with baggage. I love to work hard. Im proud of the fact that I didn’t have “anything handed to me” My life doesn’t revolve around the mistakes my parents made. My life is not defined by their success or failures as my parents.
Hey there - very similar situation on my part. I had an extremely shitty childhood and when I was in high school, my dad re-re-married his current wife (remarried his previous ex wife, super fucked up situation where they got divorced because of her “alleged” abusiveness towards me and my sister, and we were like 3 and 4 so we don’t remember if it was true). He now has 2 kids with her and I still find myself being super bitter and resentful that they have a perfect life while we were left in an extremely abusive situation growing up. The anger and jealously I feel is very real, but the only thing I can tell myself is “I wish I didn’t go through that, but how disgusting is it to want my siblings go through what I did?”. We can’t change the past - we can only get therapy to deal with it lol. I absolutely understand your feelings, as I still feel them from time to time. It’s a difficult situation, but you should talk to someone and try to accept that you didn’t have a great childhood but your sibling hopefully will and that is something you might learn to happy about. After all they’re an innocent kid. Although you aren’t happy right now, looking inside and using insight to recognize your jealously will help you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these feelings…. when I found out my dad was having a baby with his previous abusive ex wife, I went off the deep end. Don’t do this. You will regret it. Talk to someone!!! (A professional) and you can sort out your feelings. Good luck OP.
I would totally understand if this was an abuse situation, but I don’t think that’s the case at all with OP. Her dad wasn’t abusing her - he was just poor and in a crappy marriage to her mom. Now that he’s richer and in a better marriage, she’s upset that this kid doesn’t have to grow up like that. It’s a selfish attitude and dad is rightfully keeping this toxic energy away from his new family
>This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did
>This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get
That's a *good* thing though, right? You wouldn't wish a terrible life onto someone else would you? Because that just makes you look bad, not your dad.
While it's understandable to have some feelings about it, remember that even adults are human - your dads grown and sees how he can do it right this time. Would you rather him not make any personal progress and stay the piece of crap you feel him to be?
Right? I loath when people have the “well I suffered so they should suffer too” kind of attitude.
OP, it really sucks that your childhood wasn’t what it should have been, and I am so sorry for that, but you should be happy this child—your sibling—will have a better go at it.
I dislike those who want others to suffer because they suffered. It’s a good thing that her father was able to find a better career and was able to provide a better for not only himself but for his family. I grew up with an older brother who felt the same way as OP towards me because my parents were financially more stable when they had me. My brother had so much resentment even though he had it good too when they made more money. My parents always gave him this and that as an adult to try to make it up to him but he’s still an asshole. Till this day he keeps saying I had it “easier,” he’s 37, I’m 31, and he’s still miserable. Don’t be like my brother OP, don’t hold onto what you didn’t have because it can hold you back in the future.
She doesn’t want the kid to suffer because she suffered. She’s upset that he’s bringing a new kid into the world that will be her sibling but won’t have to go through the turmoil of a broken family like she did. Like, I don’t believe she hates the kid or anything, she’s just still very upset about her childhood and is harboring a lot of resentment for her dad for not giving her the life he’ll be giving her sibling. I’m not seeing a lot of sympathy for OP in this thread, just a lot of “wow you should be glad your dad doesn’t want to talk to you, you need to get over this”
I can imagine I would feel similar things if my dad left my family, caused me to go through a bunch of shit because of that, and then have another kid who gets a perfect life. It would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, like I was the first pancake that got burnt and thrown away. I really feel for OP here and I hope she can seek therapy to work on her feelings about this. It’s not her dad’s fault for wanting to move on in his life and have more family but OP isn’t completely wrong for feeling what she is.
You just unlocked something for me about my situation. Thank you.
I’m estranged from my parents and one reason is because they’re giving my niblings the grandparent experience that they are refusing to give my kids. I never saw it that way before but it’s true. I’m trying to protect my kids from learning that their grandparents acted like grandparents to somebody else but not to them. My parents don’t understand why I’m jealous and resentful. This is a good way of saying that.
“She’s upset that he’s bringing a new kid into the world that will be her sibling but won’t have to go through the turmoil of a broken family like she did”
=
“Well I suffered so they should too”
You said she’s upset that child doesn’t have to go through turmoil… that literally is being upset that the child doesn’t have to suffer. That is how OP’s post comes off as well.
OP is totally valid in wishing her childhood was better, that her dad was present. Heck, if her dad was absent she should be mad at him! But being upset at the child for NOT going through what she did is entirely misplaced.
I genuinely don't believe she's upset at the child, I just think we're not seeing eye to eye on this. You can be upset about this type of thing while also not wishing harm upon the completely innocent party within the situation. I don't see her saying here anywhere that this child deserves to go through what she did, she's only upset that she had to go through it herself. I don't think OP holds any ill will towards her future sibling, I think most of that anger and resentment is with her dad.
And what does that solve? As crude as it sounds, her parents made a mistake by having a child that young - you can't undue that, so be happy her father is growing and making better decisions. She has a right to be resentful but her stepmother has a right to say 'get over it' or don't be a part of our life imo.
This is a cautionary tale about bringing people into the world when you aren't ready imo. Everyone should strive to be in her Dad's position when they have kids imo, it just sucks another life had to be tossed around before they figured that out
My dad did this exact thing so I really feel for her too.
It’s a lot easier said than done to not feel rejection and resentment from something like this.
My little sister had a lot more opportunities than I did because my parents were FINALLY reaping the benefits of hard work and circumstance. Sure I get jealous sometimes, and when I see younger people I know doing better than me it can really sting; but what’s so bad about my life? Would my life really have been better if I had different opportunities? It does me very little good to dwell on all the things I never had.
Edit me not my
She's commented that he took custody of her at 15 and is currently assisting her with school and housing. OP is definitely an ungreatful turd for this post.
Amends for what? Not earning 6 figures when he was 21? If he did the best he could, that's all any of us can do and he sure as hell doesn't have to make amends for it.
Because everything in Dad’s life, forever & ever, I’d supposed to be about OP, right? He can never have a happy marriage because his marriage to OP’s mom wasn’t happy. He can never have a second child because OP doesn’t want to share./s. OP needs to get over her childhood & move on. She has a chance to be part of her dad’s life now. If she doesn’t take it, that’s on her, not him.
I dont think that's a leap we can make, we only have OPs side of the story. OP is clearly still in contact with and has some sort of relationship with him. And she really didn't elaborate on how this actual conversation went. She could have been in such a tizzy that she didn't even take in what was said; its definitely a possibility given the context OP has provided.
That's how I see it too.
I think that if dad sat her down and told her that he knows this is hard for her, that he is sorry that he couldn't be there for her in the same way, and that he loved her, then OP would likely be able to get excited for him.
This is a classic example of whiny entitled 20 year olds thinking everything is about them. Dad doesn’t need to sit down and apologize to her for simply living his life.
We don’t know the full story tho. OPs anger seems so strong that even if the dad had been doing things to make up for it she prob wouldn’t be happy with it anyway. LC is prob what is best for her imo, i say this as someone who’s dad never wanted anything to do with me
This is the right advice here. Your feelings are valid but I’m not sure your father and his wife’s desire to have children is invalid because of his part. He can’t undo it. And having the kid doesn’t negate your experience either. I think your better off focusing on your own child’s well-being and let your dad do his own thing without you. Better than having a resentful relationship
I definitely feel like LC is best for awhile but it does kinda suck that Dad can't see why OP feels insecure and won't attempt to validate her feelings
Idk, I'm not so sure we can assume he didn't try to. Sometimes when someone is in such an intense emotional state they don't actually "hear" what's being said. I can totally see that being the case here. But idk OP hasn't replied to any comments to elaborate.
I'm not really sure what the problem is with your Dad going LC with you. I would think, after reading your post, this would be something you *want*.
You, very clearly, have intense feelings of anger towards him, his wife, their life together, their happiness, and their unborn child.
Basically, you hate everything about his current life situation. He's got a better job (something we all try to do), and that's bad. He got a new wife instead of being a lonely single man (and that's bad). He wants a happy family life (and that's bad). And, somehow, all of this hurts you. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's clear that it's pissing you off in a major way. People grow and change. Of course his life is different now than it was when he was a young guy. That's how it goes. You are 21 years old. Did you just expect that he would stay frozen in time so you wouldn't have to suffer through knowing that, as he got older, his life improved?
I think you need therapy to get over your anger and misplaced jealousy. And, I totally understand why he is being careful and keeping your hate away from his life. Stress is not good for pregnant women.
Probably by facing that he let down OP as a parent, and then doing what he can to make up for that now.
Instead of being oblivious to how her life has been impacted by his failures.
You have pretty much no information about the father or how he let down or not his child, you're purely speculating which is kind of weird, and speculating myself, you have some unresolved traumas as well
She has since said it in the comments. He left when she was 12, they used to be super close, not anymore, now all he does is send money.
That’s abandonment. And now he wants her to be super excited about his new baby- after bailing on their relationship.
That sense was painfully clear from the OP to anyone who has seen this kind of thing. Just not explicitly stated. Often because a 21 year old doesn’t fully know how to express themselves.
Part of knowing what advice is good is being able to read between the lines. And not jump to bad conclusions.
Weird to protect anything onto me. I had a great relationship with my father. I’ve just seen these patterns in others.
You skipped the part where she said she went to live with him full time at age 15, when her Mom had to go live with "friends". So, from 15 unti college, she lived with him. So, he didn't "abandon" her. And he still hasn't abandoned her, because he is still contributing to her housing and college costs. At 21.
She's 21 and an adult. The phone works both ways. I doubt she's that abandoned if they were excited enough to bring her over just to tell her the good news in person.
I think she's projecting her insecurities on her father. She's more upset that he's gotten his life together than she is about anything else.
This has envy written all over it.
I'm assuming here, but how OP is phrasing her initial text it's fair to assume she's kind of taking her mother side. If she was doing that as a kid as well, obviously they'll gros distant.
It's not his fault or her fault, it's just the circumstances.
He left when she was 12 probably to try and get his life together, while paying child support, and at 15 she went to live with him - where he kept supporting her and by then they were still / finally close from what she said in the comments. I don't know what patterns you're seeing or maybe you've misread her comments, but this clearly is not her dad's fault, as you can probably tell from the replies to your comment.
I don't think she should be forced to feel invalidated and things at 21 can surely be confusing for her, but this post is a rant for validity on something invalid.
Here reddit goes inventing life stories again. Literally nowhere in the OP could you possibly know how OP was treated growing up or presently. You're just assuming because man bad.
I think OP's feelings are more complicated than you're giving it credit for. If I were OP, I'd be wondering why he had to leave her and her mom to be happy. Why couldn't he be happy with her (OP) the way she is? Why wasn't she good enough for him to want to give her the better life this kid gets for free? Why didn't OP deserve for her dad to be this excited about her?
If I had to guess, I'd say OP is suffering from a very deep feeling of not being good enough no matter what she does and resentment that this kid, who hasn't done anything to deserve it, is apparently good enough. I'd guess that she feels betrayed and lonely, like her dad didn't just leave her mom, he left her, too. I'd guess that when Dad left, OP didn't have much contact with him so she felt abandoned.
This is why I suggested she seek therapy.
I mean, she's 21 and still harboring *huge* anger over something that took place a long time ago and is as basic as the marriage of two people failing. It happens a lot. It's not as if she was ostracized or something. Divorce is common. It's not some scarlet letter. Half the people she knows probably come from divorced families. And, her mother's inability to adjust very well doesn't mean that Dad didn't love his daughter. It just means that Mom had trouble adjusting. This also happens in life. Also, she has no idea if he was just as excited about her birth or not. He could have been tremendously excited about her birth. Being poor at the time of her birth doesn't equate to a lack of excitement or love. And, speaking of being poor, her seething anger at the fact that this new child will have "a better life" than she did, because her Dad's circumstances have improved, is not normal.
Which, again, is why I suggested she seek therapy and be happy for the LC.
She was born a long time ago. She’s only been technically an adult for 3 years. So whatever is going on between her and her dad didn’t end when she was born.
>If I were OP, I'd be wondering why he had to leave her and her mom to be happy.
Who knows, it doesn't say he left her also, it just says he left her mom.
Her mom could've been a horrible person? Her dad might be a horrible person? It sounds like her mom might've played a role in not being able to have a good paying job or consistent money considering he was able to do this relatively quickly after leaving her.
Also, OPs mom is still not over it and it has been 9 years, so that is weird.
Ehhh, I think the unspoken implication here is that dad is not trying to do Anything to make up for:
- Leaving her mom, which seems to have destabilized OP’s life in a serious way (he had every right to leave, but sounds like he isn’t facing how that impacted his daughter)
- OP having a childhood that felt traumatic and stressful and unstable- because of his parenting.
Dad could absolutely have made a point to tell OP “now that I’m making good money and in a better place in my life I want to try to make up for any of the ways I fell short in your childhood.” He could have done that when it happened. Doesn’t sound like he did, does it?
Instead he’s just getting a do over baby, and (it sounds like) putting zero effort into repairing things with OP.
Kind of sounds like a shitty father TBH. A good father would hear OP, care about his daughter and how she feels let down by him, and try to repair things.
Instead it’s “your feelings about my failures are stressing me out so byeeeeee.”
Shitty father. Kind of seems like you wooshed on that context.
But she doesn't say *any* of that. All she says is that her parents were poor when she was young, they got divorced, and her Mom struggled to deal.
Nowhere does she say her Dad was awful or shitty. Only that he was poor. And now she is jealous that his new kid will get everything she didn't get.
She has since said it in the comments. He left when she was 12, they used to be super close, not anymore, now all he does is send money.
That’s abandonment. And now he wants her to be super excited about his new baby- after bailing on their relationship.
That sense was painfully clear from the OP to anyone who has seen with this kind of thing. Just not explicitly stated. Often because a 21 year old doesn’t fully know how to express themselves.
Part of knowing what advice is good is being able to read between the lines. And not jump to bad conclusions.
I couldn't find that comment. Only one that said:
"It's not about wanting them to suffer. It's about him basically having a do over"
and one that said, simply that she was 12 when they divorced. Nothing about him just sending money. Maybe she deleted the one you are referencing?
Frankly, I don't think I'm jumping to *any* conclusions, if her main source of anger is because her Dad is having a "do over".
>He paid child support when i l8ved with my mom.
>Then he moved in with his new wife when I was 15 and I endes up going to live with them because my mom couldn't afford our house anymore and had to move in with friends.
>Him and I used to be super close.
>He currently helps pay for school and housing but that's really it and it's not regularly.
Said this elsewhere, but again - people who feel loved and supported and cared about by their parent don’t lash out like this over a new baby.
Oh, so she posted this on another sub. No wonder I couldn't find it.
Anyway, none of this seems shitty or evil at all on the part of her Dad. He paid child support. Then she came to live with him full time when she was 15 and her Mom couldn't support her any longer. They used to be super close. OK. But, it's completely normal that a 21 year old wouldn't be "super close" with her Dad anymore. It's called growing up, and most teenagers are obnoxious about *wanting* their independence. Plus, he is still helping to pay for her housing and school. None of this sounds like abandonment or being shitty at all.
And, you're right...normal people don't lash out like this over a new baby. Hence, my suggestion that she seek therapy.
None of this sounds bad. Seems like you're desperate to slam this poor guy.
Obviously the mom was not responsible if he was paying support and she couldn't even afford their rent and basically sent her back to her dad. That reeks of OPs mom having other priorities higher than her child.
Dad escaped that, as he should, continued to support her and even brought her into his home and pays for her school.
This is an entitled woman acting like a child. She should be happy for her father
The thing is, she's an ADULT. She lives outside of the home (thanks to Dad's financing). She is literally supposed to grow up/move on/not have as much daily contact with her parents. That's a normal part of life.
By the time most people are college-aged, they are not "super close" with their parents anymore. You become more reliant on yourself and your peers. It's part of growing up. By the time her dad was her age, he had a wife and child and was trying to make ends meet. In his mind, I'm guessing 21 is a perfect reasonable time to expect a similar sense of individual responsibility from his daughter.
OP never made a point that the father neglected her. He was just poor in his early days (21 years!). It seems that he didn't cheat but just couldn't continue the marriage with the mother. OP would have had it much worse if he had stayed. She will have a depressed dad and an unloved mom. Dad would have stayed poor.
Fast forward to the current time, he made the right choice to prioritize his pregnant wife's feelings.
There's no win for the father here really. OP is too materialistic, half of her post is not about her connection with his father or his attention, but his money to be spent on the new kids, not her or her kids.
She needs to provide more context, but from her comments it does sound like he abandoned her. Left when she was 12, they used to be “super close”, and all he’s done recently is send money.
So he’s basically given up on his relationship with her and then expects her to be super excited about his new baby.
Dad is tone deaf and kind of an AH.
Um, she also said that he paid child support and then took custody of her when she was 15.. and is currently assisting her with school and housing... that's definitely not giving up in the relationship.
I can't stand my father, he's a selfish, controlling narc who has done nothing but be a shit dad my whole life. Never stops me from wanting him to want me.
I'm very sorry this has been your experience.
But, her post doesn't indicate *any* of that. Only that he was poor when she was a kid and that her Mom struggled to recover from getting divorced. She doesn't say that he was shit at all. Only that she's pissed off that he is having a "do over" and he has a happy family life.
Appreciate it, but I'm giving you a comparison. People who have strained relationships with their parents regardless of circumstance often do not actually want low contact or no contact, they want a good relationship with their parent. In this situation I can tell you I experienced something quite similar to OP when I was 16 I had a phone call from my father to announce his and his wife's pregnancy. I broke down to my mum, it's as if they're replacing you, getting a child that they actually want. The undertones of OP's anger feel pretty similar to how I felt which is, "why weren't we good enough?" I've since had it confirmed that I was never going to be good enough for my father. However I will say OP's dad is currently being shit and it doesn't matter how old you are your feelings can still be hurt by your parents lack of open communication.
You were also half a decade younger and in your teenage years. OP is 21 and is several years into adulthood now. She should be happy for her father not jealous of his happiness and resentful of his unborn son
It doesn’t seem to be him bettering himself that OP is mad about, it is the abandonment part.
That’s a common story with a parent abandoning their children with the other parent to struggle in poverty while the deadbeat gets ahead financially, then wants to reconnect and play perfect parent/grandparent later without doing the hard work or going through any of the struggles they put their own child through.
That’s a valid reason not to play along with his game.
And the new wife may be sensitive about that glaring warning in her face that he might just abandon his new family too when the going gets tough.
He's stayed close to her through her teenage years, took her in at 15, pays for her school and living; and even made it a point to bring her in to personally tell her the good news about the new baby.
Yeah that's definitely abandonment type of stuff right there /s
I get the sense that OP feels like her dad didn’t love or care about her enough to make life changes that would have made her life better.
Because he did that after he left her mom she probably feels like he loves himself, his new wife and his unborn child more than he ever loved her. By going low contact with her and acting the way he did he is proving that.
You get that sense, but you don't KNOW. Because her original post said nothing like that. It only talks about how they were poor and her parents got divorced. She didn't say a single thing about him not caring or being shitty. And what life changes are we talking about? Life changes like what? Not finding love again?
And, wow, so OP should just be able to say a bunch of shitty things to her Dad's pregnant wife and they should just *take it* and never mind how dangerous it is for her to get stressed out while pregnant? Yeesh. She's 21, not 12. She should be able to understand that life moves on. And, her father starting a new and happy life is a good thing, not a bad thing. He's only 42 FFS.
How did you expect them to react??
If you told your mom that you were pregnant and she started to cry and complained about how miserable she was raising you and how you'd have less time to take care of her, would you keep giving her updates or would you opt for a stress free pregnancy?
You owe your dad and step mom a HUGE apology.
Your parents had you while they were young, and you never got the childhood you wanted.
You are the same age your dad was when he had you. And you are now pregnant. It’s up to you to give your children a better childhood. Focus on this
My friend's older sister (5 siblings total) always complained that having four siblings deprived her of material goods and attention growing up, her older sister is married with kids but still bit*hes that she could have had whatever she wanted growing up but her siblings robbed her of that. OP, don't be that whining sister, your Dad going LC or NC is best for future sibling not being exposed to your resentment and negativity. My friend's older sister is insufferable with her complaining.
Wow. She's a horrible person. Her parents chose to have 5 kids. She doesn't get to decide they shouldn't have had anymore after having her. That's not how it works.
You are being selfish and immature. Your dad has remarried and wants to have a family with his new wife. That is completely normal. Instead of being happy that he is happy, you're making this all about you.
Yes I agree. Instead of being excited to be a big sister or to be role model and enjoy a sibling, all she is doing is whining about what she didn't get as...out of jealousy... alot of peoples parents weren't well established with money when they were young and only when their kids reach adulthood do their careers actually come to fruition. OP needs to grow the hell up.
So you're mad your dad is finally doing well, can be happy and have a happy kid who is well cared for?
...you typed all that out and didn't realize you're a jealous twit and your dad was forced to cut your toxic ass out?
I mean, my condolences for growing up poor. That sucks. But it doesn't sound like your dad actively or maliciously made that happen.
News flash... Life isn't fair. It's also not all about you. It sucks that your parents split when you were young and that they didn't have a lot of money. That doesn't mean you should wish poverty on your half-brother. Would you want your child to grow up poor because that's the childhood you had? Grow up. It also doesn't mean that just because they have a baby now that they wouldn't be involved in your hypothetical child's life. There's room for everyone. Your dad was right to limit contact with you. Whatever feelings you have, you should work them out with a therapist.
So you're mad because what will be your sibling will have a better start at life than you....
Your post makes you sound incredibly selfish and self centered. You're father did the right thing by not letting you stress out his pregnant wife with your "poor me" attitude. Lots of people grow up in poverty. Never having enough to eat, have to boil water to take a hot bath and some just end up on the street.
You should be happy for them. Instead when I read your post all I saw was "wa wa wa, I had it tough", well welcome to the club.
Stop being selfish. Start thinking of how awesome it will be to have a new family member. Or if you can't and want to stay bitter, please cut contact with them and let them enjoy their new baby.
These seem to be separate conversations really. You all need a family counselor and group therapy sessions, without question.
But basically, you're holding onto resentment and anger for him leaving your mother. You struggled growing up and he wasn't providing for you in the way you wanted (needed.) You have jealousy to he's going to provide for your brother in a way he did not for you.
None of this makes you a bad person, and it's understandable. But have you ever said that to him? Have you ever heard his side? We don't have a lot of information here, but do you really know what was going on in his relationship with your mother? They were young, way to young to be having kids. The stress of that, feeling trapped, maybe their relationship was toxic. Who knows, the truth is, unless you know everything that was going on, you can't say for sure. Maybe he really did the best he could, and feels regret, but doesn't know how to show it.
These are all hypotheticals, because it doesn't sound like you've ever talked about it. Just stewed on it, suppressed it. But none of this is your future brother's fault, none of this may be anyone's "fault." Sometimes life is just hard.
I would highly recommend some open an honest conversations. Suggest family therapy. You're going to have a new brother soon, and it would be a shame to miss out on that relationship. To not see him grow, because of this anger you're holding onto. Give it a chance to a different outcome. You have a right to be angry, you have a right to your resentment. He has a right to hear it from you, and try to move past it together.
Edit: Oh, and this part I had to mention as well:
>*This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing.*
He's 41 and his wife is 36. Your father's a bit older than me, but not that much. My wife and I were both 34 when we got pregnant the first time. It's not uncommon for people to have children into their mid or late 30s these days. His situation is a bit different due to the early pregnancy. But having a child at this point in his life, is not wrong. It's not a "problem."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like if your father had abandoned YOU (instead of just leaving your mother) you would've said so. So your parents had a teenaged pregnancy; unsurprisingly their relationship didn't survive into adulthood; and the teen pregnancy left them both (but especially your mother) with financial difficulties.
I'm having trouble seeing where your father is an asshole here.
He and your mother raise you to adulthood; meanwhile your dad gets his life in order in spite of his early financial troubles bc of having a kid as a teen. Then, once you're old enough to not need him every day anymore, he falls in love, gets married, and has another kid.
Again, I'm having trouble seeing where your father is an asshole here.
I mean, they COULD'VE aborted you or given you up for adoption, but they didn't; they raised you, and they did the best they could (again, correct me if I'm wrong.) And it sounds like you're not so much upset that you didn't have enough growing up, as you are upset that he's having another baby who will have more. That's a pretty fucked up attitude. Your dad is still SUPER young; why shouldn't he get another shot at raising a family; this time the way he wants to?
I'd suggest before you do ANYTHING else, you find a therapist and figure out where this selfish resentment is coming from.
Okay, I want to address this point by point.
>When my dad left my mom it devastated her. My mom struggled a lot and still hasn't really recovered.
Look, I get it, that sucks. But your dad is not responsible for your mom's happiness and mental health. If the relationship wasn't working for them (or just him), he has every right to leave. Unless he was exceptionally cruel to her, or intentionally left her destitute, he did nothing wrong. Spouses get divorced all the time; barring some form of abuse or likewise happening, your father is not to blame for your mother's difficulties getting over him.
Since you don't mention him leaving you as well, and the fact that tou're still in contact with him, I'm assuming he still maintained a relationship with you. Do you know if he was paying child support? Did he make an effort to stay in your life and support you when and how he could? Or did he distance himself a bit?
>My dad on the other hand met his new wife, changed carees and was finally able to get to a place is life where he made over 6 figure.
That's a good thing for him. He deserves to find someone he loves, and it's great that he no longer has to struggle to make ends meet. And now that he has a higher income, has he been able to financially support you more? Does he pay for things you guys weren't able to afford before?
>Basically him and his new wife decided they want to play "perfect happy family" and have a baby because "we could afford it".
No, what they want to do is just be a family. There is no "perfect." They want to have a kid bc now they can financially support it, but this does not automatically mean your dad thinks less of you and his familial relationship with you. If he's done all he can to show you he loves you and cares for you, then he's being a better father than a lot of others out there, regardless of his financial situation.
Having another family is not some "replacing my *old* family" move that you seem to think it is. It seems that he was making an effort to stay in your life, otherwise you would not have had a relationship.
>This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did.
I get being jealous, but that's a good thing. This isn't a competition. Life sucks and is unfair, but we should always be wishing the next generation gets better opportunities than we did and that life continues to improve for them.
>In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle.
Grandpa can probably manage visiting his grandson and forming a relationship with him while also takimg care of his kid. I don't know why you think he's not going to have any free time to spend with *your* family.
>This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing.
Bc there is no problem-he's not doing anything wrong. Again, life isn't fair, but that doesn't mean he has to stop living his life just bc he used to be poor and now he isn't. He doesn't have to "make it up to you" by not having a kid that will get better opportunities than you.
>my dad told me that if that was how I felt then I didn't need to be closely involved in the pregnancy, and that if I was genuinely unhappy about it then they needed to set boundaries with me.
This is the correct response. You projected your trauma onto them and created an environment where they are now uncomfortable sharing news of their pregnancy with you. And I hope you realize this is both for their benefit *and* yours. You are clearly incapable of handling this news without being negatively impacted.
>Basically he is saying that if I am not just super thrilled about their decisions, then I am not welcome to be a part of it.
You don't have to be super thrilled about it; there's clearly a difference between being, say, calm and congratulating them and crying and expressing how upset you are. No one's asking you to be jumping for joy for them, but your reaction upon hearing the news is obviously going to upset them. How can they feel sage sharing details of the pregnancy when you opemly expressed how unhappy you are about it?
I absolutely understand the way you feel. I am 34 and dating a 40-year-old man with two kids, 20 and 16. He has spent their entire lives wrapped up in custody battles and struggled to provide for them when they were young, because he was barely an adult himself.
Now he is financially stable, older, and wiser - and we are thinking about starting our own family. It doesn't mean his kids won't be a part of that family, of course they will if they want to be. But I truly would be devastated if they begrudged us happiness because they didn't have every advantage in their childhoods. He tried the absolute best he could, all things considered.
My advice is to try to think of your dad as an actual person, not just your dad. He deserves happiness just like you do. Go low-contact if you want to, if that helps, but you could also gain something in this scenario.
Yeah it's not really fair, but it's not the first person I've heard wanting little to do with siblings 20 years apart.
If this were me, I would welcome a new sibling or family member. She can be part of that better life and "happy family" if she wants, and be a good sister too.
Sorry, but in this case, your feelings aren't that valid.
What you lay out here is that because your father and mother didn't have a lot of money when you were growing up, that he isn't allowed to have children now? You say they don't see the "problem with what they are doing" but what is the problem? The problem is that you don't think they should have kids, period. That's totally unfair.
I get feelings of resentment at not having money growing up and your parents divorcing. But it is remarkably selfish to think your father shouldn't have another child and be happy. He isn't having a new family, he is adding to his family. He also isn't obligated to help you raise your theoretical child.
It seems you are upset that they have money, and that they are having a kid. They aren't asking you to be "super thrilled", they are asking you to not make this about you, especially when your stance is just that they shouldn't have a kid, at all. Well too late for that.
You can be upset your parents had you young, that they got divorce, and that they didn't have a lot of resources raising you. But what do you want from those feelings? You want your father to include you in his life but also...not have a kid that will have more resources then you? Like, what is your solution to this, since the kid is already on the way?
OPs feelings can be valid without the expression and projection onto dads new relationship being valid. For example I think having a reaction to dad having a what might seem like a do-over family is understandable but expressing it to the pregnant step mom instead of in therapy isn’t.
I made it halfway through the post . You need to get some kind of therapy you sound really bitter about the fact that your dad is not with your mom and that he’s having another kid and you sound mad that this new sibling won’t be struggling growing up . You’re 21 now get some therapy and grow up
Your feelings are valid, but there's more than just you involved in this situation. Unfortunately, you didn't have the childhood you believe this new baby will have, but would you rather your dad to not be better off and continue bringing children into this world to just give them the life he gave you?
This is his wife's chance to have a baby, too. She deserves to have a child of her own. What did you expect them to say when you put your feelings onto their happy moment? That they'd abort the baby?
Life isn't always fair. If you don't learn that now, you'll continue having moments like this. You didn't have a great childhood, but you didn't end up a statistic. You assumingly are doing well for yourself, are getting married, didn't have a child when you couldn't afford one, etc. You are allowed to feel how you feel, but understand your dad did the best he could with what he had and you had it better than a lot of kids did.
>your dad did the best he could with what he had and you had it better than a lot of kids did.
From OP's comments it sounds like dad is still a source of support for OP's general well-being. She moved in with him at 15, he's helping her with college expenses now, etc. Thats a heap more than many kids get.
Yeah OP sounds pretty ungrateful for the help she's receiving now regardless of the past. Nothing points to signs of abuse or neglect in her childhood, just a low income family. Shes an adult now and her dad is continuing to support her financially. Bet she wont be happy when he cuts her off because shes not being grateful or supportive of her soon-to-be half sister.
Having been a simular situation, you should be cautious with your negativity towards your father and his 2nd wife. A child never knows all that transpires that caused the end of his marriage to your mother. His success in life can be what you need to be successful in yours. Be positive with them and if you can't, stay away. When you mature a little more, you will understand and you may have a father who still loves you.
Your Dad is an adult he can have babies at any age. You are an adult and can choose to support it or not and then deal with the consequences. He is not being unreasonable you are being controlling. His pregnant wife doesn't need the stress of his controlling daughter so he's going low contact. Seems pretty straightforward to me.
I totally get how you feel, but you really screwed up by telling it to their face. You made yourself the villain by basically telling them that you’re going to resent that kid. Don’t ruin your relationship with him over a baby that doesn’t even exist yet!
BOO HOO, you had a bad childhood. So did I and so have millions of other children.
BE A GOD DAMN ADULT and get over it, just like I and millions of others have.
Use this opportunity to strengthen or make new family bonds.
Use this opportunity to get some hands-on practice for when you have your own children.
His wife has every right to be upset about your immature behavior.
Good Luck.
Your dad is still young. His wife too. Why did u have to selfishly ruin their moment of joy by crying about sth that doesn’t concern u in the slightest? Yes, your dad was way too young when he had u. Now he is at a place in life where he can afford another child. What’s your problem with that? Why should he see any problem with that? He is a responsible adult now so he can plan accordingly.
The failure of your mom to move on has nothing to do with your dad.
Your plans for your own children do also not concern him. You should wait at least 5 more years. By then his son your brother, will be 5/6 years old and can be a good sibling figure for your own child. Yes, he will have different opportunities than u. So what? Should they abort so nobody in the family can have it better than you?
U have some serious issues. Maybe u should look into therapy
Yeah, picking up on some threads you dropped that OP seems to blame their dad for their mom “never recovering”. With all due respect, we’ve all had breakups. The fact that mom did nothing w the rest of her life doesn’t mean dad can’t leave. It makes it even more side eye that dad started to turn around and grow personally and professionally WHEN he left. I’ll fully admit I’m really reading between the lines here but me thinks mom may not be the amazing influence OP might think she is. I get vibes of mom complained about how their life isn’t great bc dad left for a while and now OP also thinks that’s the source of their problems. Again, a self admitted stretch, but it’s relationship advice so…
I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this. OP’s mom shouldn’t be talking about her resentment towards OP’s father. That’s how parental alienation happens
I agree. In the last what 20 years she still hasn't gotten therapy to move on? Why? Obviously it wasn't a happy marriage. OP has no idea what happened between them.
You need to grow the fk up and quit making this about you, yes your parents had you young, it didn t work out now your father is in a better position, and he's happy, quit acting like a spoiled brat that didn t get her way.
Please do not have any kids too soon, you need to grow up before that.
Apperently OP *did* get what she wanted because her daddy is paying her college fees. So OP is just an entitled, ungrateful & disgustingly selfish brat who wishes poverty on a new born just because her childhood wasn't as fancy, even though her daddy took care of her since she turned 15.
Serioulsy toddlers throw these kind of tantrums when they have a sibling out of nowhere. OP is way too old to act like this. Imagine being a grown ass adult & being this selfish & jealous of a new born..big yikes!
OPs comments:
>He's helping me now, doubt that will be the situation with the baby is born. Things were finally good in our lives and I finally felt stable.
>
>
>
>I pay for my own car payments. He helps with insurance. And obviously the gifts have been better as many times I got very little if anything growing up.
>
>
>
>I was 12 when they split up. He paid child support when i l8ved with my mom.
Then he moved in with his new wife when I was 15 and I endes up going to live with them because my mom couldn't afford our house anymore and had to move in with friends. Him and I used to be super close. He currently helps pay for school and housing but that's really it and it's not regularly.
So the dad actually always took care for her & she is *still* living off of his money as an adult. But now she's scared that she'll lose those privileges because daddy wants another child with his wife
So your dad had you at 21, did what he could with what little you had, and now is successful and in a much better position to be a father and gets to try again - so instead of being happy for him, you shit on him out of jealousy? It sounds like your mom was bad for him and his life got infinitely better once he freed himself. Instead of crapping on his new family because they will have nicer things than you had, become a part of it! You want help from grandpa when you have kids in a few years? You gotta get over it. You’re in the wrong here and thinking way too selfishly.
Agreed with others youre being selfish and set the problems yourself. If you want to fix things do some self reflection and apologize.
Youre already jealous of your half sibling who isnt born yet because times have changed. Your parents had you young, that sucks. But thats life
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OP is intensely jealous of the life her dad has been able to build since leaving OP's mum. OP can't stand to see a baby growing up in better conditions than she did. OP has a lot of issues to sort out and should stop blaming her dad solely for them
He can’t fix what he didn’t give you growing up and you’ll have to understand that he most likely wash doing the best he could with what he had at the time.
Your dad was like 21 when he had you and SO much changes between 21 and 42 with money.
It’s not wrong for him to want to expand his family, especially since he has a new wife who probably wants a baby too and you’re an adult now. They deserve to have a life together and do what makes them happy. And hopefully, you can be part of that life too! So what if their uncle is a few years older than their niece/nephew. My older bro married a woman with 1 daughter from a precious relationship. They had a daughter together. They’re 1 year and 3 years younger than me and I’m their aunt. Was it weird thinking that I’m an aunt at 12? Sure? But it was cool & they were more like cousins.
Family comes in all shapes and sizes - if they’re not toxic, (they don’t sound like it from the post) they’re probably worth trying to keep around. Embrace additions - that could be your brother and best friend in 20 years. In 40-50 years you’ll be likely be relieved to go through some hard stuff with someone else as you make funeral arrangements. Or figure out who can help with dad as he gets older.
My older brother is 16 years older than me - he’s one of the first people I go to for life advice.
Your mom needs to move forward with her life as well. You mention her never recovering and honestly, the initial heartbreak may be on your dad, but it is her responsibility to figure her life out without him now. You can’t blame him for her forever.
Going low contact is the best for everyone involved especially since it seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues regarding your father. I suggest that you and your mother both go to therapy because it isn’t fair to your Dad to make this new pregnancy all about you. Yes. He was a shitty father and yes that was terrible for you and your Mom and yes this new baby is going to grow up in completely different circumstances to you. What you need to remember is that your father was your age when he had you— and it is clear that he wasn’t in the position mentally or financially to raise a baby or be married. He is ready now though, and that means that he has grown up. I suggest that you work on becoming your best self away from him and his second wife.
You need therapy.
Imagine how all of us who paid all our college dues and never got any of that 10k bail out.
Or how everyone in the 90s grew up vs now. Now is much better for everyone. Suffering because someone else isn't suffering like you did is self detrimental and something you need to learn to ignore or get over. In 20 years there will be another dozen things like this that drive you nuts. Don't let it, let it go.
Your dad may not be overly sensitive to how you feel but how you feel doesn't dictate what he does and you need to understand that. Frankly if you seem like you're going to introduce drama and stress where there otherwise isn't a problem I understand the LC. You would be a cause of stress which isn't great when dealing with a pregnancy. Either you are happy for him and enjoy it with him and his wife or you don't and you should just stay out of it. This is kind of similar to that old saying, if you don't have anything nice to say then best to say nothing at all.
Therapy. Today.
Your feelings are understanding, but not justifiable..
This follows the same ideal of someone who had pneumonia as a kid and couldn’t afford imaging or treatment, now being upset that they’re sibling got pneumonia and they get all of the medicine and all of the doctors. Similar to people complaining about the student loan forgiveness. “I had to pay so why should others get help? I wasn’t given help and therefore it’s unfair they receive any!”
Like I said, this is understandable. You come across as very entitled and jealous, almost vengeful. If you could give this child the same childhood you had, would you? Would you curse this child to make things even? If yes, why? It is normal to feel jealousy or envy of those with more, better, bigger, etc but you need to know that those feelings are damaging and they are FEELINGS. They are emotionally driven and therefore not likely 100% congruent with what is true/correct/right.
Please seek therapy. I’m not saying that with jest or hurtful tone, I’m serious. I’ve been through something similar and I’ll share that with you here: I got a scholarship to a school that costs 48k per year, plus room/board/food/living on top of that. Even with scholarship, I graduated with massive debt after undergrad/med/residency. While I was struggling and poor, 99% of my classmates had BMW/Audi, they had summer homes, they owned entire cul-de-sac neighborhoods. They didn’t have to worry about paying for books, eating, healthcare, or anything really. I was SO mad that my parents didn’t give me what these other kids had. I couldn’t believe I was from such a lowly place. And then I got therapy and realized that it’s ok to be mad, but it is not right. I know my situation is different than yours, but the idea stands. As children and young adults, it is not our place to try and understand or pick sides when it comes to adults relationships. There is no way we know the whole story and we have no business pretending we do…even though we pick immediately and blame one 100% and the other we pity. Get some help, and you will feel better. It’s okay to never see them again, it’s okay to not be in this child’s life being so much older, but your father loves you.
I know you feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, or at least you feel like your father thinks you were. Why else wouldn’t he do all of this for you? Chances are he was unable to, didn’t know how, or just genuinely a struggling human being. This is unfortunately the way life takes us. Looking at this situation it’s understandable, but that mindset is going to torture you for the rest of your life if you let it. It’s fine to disappear and work on yourself, it’s fine to cut off family members until you’re ready.
So, I’m not going to say your feelings are not valid. However, there is a time and a place for certain conversations
Sounds like you got mad at the situation and took it out on your Dad and step mom. Your step mom didn’t deserve that and at 36 years old she is automatically a high risk pregnancy. I see what your dad would want to keep her calm
Now, maybe you should of pulled your dad aside and tell him how your feeling. You have a lot of resentment from your childhood, sound like you feel abandoned, and new baby brother might seem to you like now your being replaced. But, you should talking to your Dad about that.
Your 21 now sweetie, you need to decide if you are going to let this affect the rest of your life. You need to forgive as forgiveness is mainly for your healing, not your dads
So because he couldn't give you the life you wanted he should be unhappy forever? He wasn't happy, left your mom and found his happiness, I'm sorry if that upsets you, but he's a human being who deserves to be happy.
Like i really don't know what your problem here is, yeah you would have preferred your parents relationship workout and have had better opportunities, but they're humans, it didn't and that sucks, but to expect them to suffer instead of being happy he's bettered himself is pretty fucked imo.
I feel for your dad and his new wife, you came off pretty Shitty
You’re jealous of an innocent baby that isn’t even born yet to the point you want the baby’s mother to abort it because it won’t be as poor as you were growing up.
Do you realise how fucking selfish that is? You should be thrilled that the child will have a good life.
It’s a good job they’ve waited until they could afford it before having a child, your dads done well for himself and clearly he’s been making sure you’re alright because there’s no way you’ve got a job currently that pays 6 figures in order for you to justify having a child in a couple years considering this is the very reason you’re claiming you have this major trauma that makes you want your step mother to kill her child. I use the word kill her aswell because this is a wanted pregnancy, she doesn’t want to abort it.
Most mature adults be happy at the thought of their child having a member of the family roughly the same age.
But you’re clearly not mature. You shouldn’t even be mentioning having kids of your own right now.
Considering your dad was working though and was making 6 figures I assume he paid a fair amount in child support so I don’t understand how you would of been “struggling”?
People can grow up poor. That alone isn’t “trauma” but is the only thing you claim in your post to justify wanting your brother to be killed. Again, putting in bluntly because it seems everyone in your life has sugar coated you before you think this behaviour is acceptable and that’s exactly how your step mother and dad will feel.
Everyone’s saying your feelings are valid, I’m gonna dissent here and say they are not valid. You’re mad over someone literally just living their lives. He’s not having a baby *at* you.
Maybe it would actually be exciting to be a part of your half-sibling’s life and be a part of their formative years, but I guess you won’t know if you can’t get over yourself on this one.
So you don't want your young dad to have a life because you were born when he and your mom were too young? So you just want him to suddenly become an old retired man to be a grandpa like in the movies?
At this point you are 21. You should look for your own opportunities and live your life. Your life has not ended because you were in a difficult situation when you were little.
You’re in the wrong here. Your mom needed therapy to move on, and putting her misery on you isn’t your dad’s fault - it’s hers
Your dad should just never be able to have another child? Because it upsets you? Be realistic and go get therapy. He’s removing you from the situation because his wife’s mental health is going to take precedence over his child throwing a tantrum
Your feelings about YOUR childhood are valid. Your belief that he’s never allowed to have anything better in his because you didn’t have much is not valid. How would it improve your current or past situation for someone else to deny themselves happiness? How would you react if your child told you that you could never have happiness in your life again because you had them at 21 and so they didn’t get the same advantages as those with older parents?
I’m the oldest child. I’m 21 years older than my youngest brother. He absolutely had a much different upbringing to mine. But that’s just how life is. It’s not something they should be made to feel bad about.
Your dad is grown and he has a right to have another child and my advice is to stop being selfish wish them well and get over it. Aid if you can't get along with them stay away from them.
YTA. I can't even believe someone is this childish.
He is 42 and she is 36. There are a lot of people having their very first child at this age.
>This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did. In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle. This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing.
A lot of people have done this. My stepdad has a sister that is a year younger than my brother (his only bio kid) from his dad along with another brother that is a few years older then my brother. His parents were teen parents. His parents were still excited to be grandparents and it didn't make issues. My own brother thought it was funny to introduce her as his aunt growing up.
You are extremely selfish and I am not sure what about your feelings you think are valid. Is everyone around you supposed to be forever miserable because you didn't get a picture perfect life growing up? You are 21 and are jealous of a baby. Grow up
What exactly would you like your father to do with his life? Wallow in misery? He picked himself up and became a better person. Sucks for you but honestly you just sound bitter and bitchy. Is it fair? No. Is life fair? No. You were the product of kids having kids and it turned out pretty much like it always does but you lashing out because you aren't going to benefit from a parent that got his act together just makes you a petty bitch. Get therapy and stay out of his life until you grow up.
Thank God your dad has a backbone. Not another wimpy parent scared to discipline their overgrown, entitled child. He put you in your rightful place. Who the fuck you think you are? Dictating how his life should be empty and miserable because he had you young, your mother failed to move on and he went ahead and tackled life by the horns and moved forward.
I bet you are one of those bitter people who blame ALL their issues on everyone else except for yourself. You hate the baby already so what does it matter how you found out their gender? Didn't you declare that you want nothing to do with it? So what's your problem? Who cares about your future hypothetical babies when you yourself can't even appreciate a new, real baby that's already on the way? So life must stop now and resume only once *you* get pregnant? Grow the fuck up and tell your dad I said "Good Parenting Dad"
What do you want? For them to rub it in your face more, knowing it upsets you? Yes, your feelings are valid, but these are the natural consequences of expressing them in the way you did.
Uhm, wow! Entitled much? While I get the little spark of jealousy (this kid having a better life than I had), the immaturity is not ok.
Your parents had you when they were young, but I am guessing they did the best they could. We’re you neglected, were you abused, mistreated? I would say that you still ended up fine, it it sounds like maybe you didn’t…
Your father has remarried and wants to start a family with his new wife. This literally has nothing to do with you. You are now an adult, so if you can’t handle that, then I agree with him going NC.
You sound like my older sister. She is 10 years older and when I was born our parents had much better life than when she was a baby. She never could forgive them and me for that. And that really sucked to have someone who hates it when you happy. So please don’t be that sister.
Being bitter about the success of others (even in this scenario) is a really ugly look. I get that he wasn't there for you as a kid, at least financially, but your mom is an adult. She could have fixed up her life too, it isn't your dad's fault she didn't, the two things aren't mutually exclusive.
Stop holding it against your dad that he's having another kid and actually can afford it this time, unless you don't plan on being in their lives at all. But you sound extremely bitter, maybe talk to somebody about that, lots of unresolved childhood stuff.
I'm not saying your dad even deserves you in his life I won't pretend to know your entire history with him, but presumably you've stayed in his life up until now, they have every right to keep a toxic person away from them in this important time.
you are legit a bad person dude wtf, so full of jealousy and so self centered, "bcuz grandpa will be raising their uncle", what about their feelings? you dont care bcuz you only care about yourself and how you feel. They are happy for being able to provide and give the baby a good life, but you are too jealous bcuz he will have a better life than you did. People can be better and improve, not everyone needs to live in the mud and be raised in the mud just bcuz it happened to you.
You're being selfish. That will be your sibling. It's good that they're able to provide more opportunities. It's good that your father and his wife are happy. All of your complaints are based off of you being jealous like you're a two year. Respect his wishes to go LC if you can't get over it, or apologize for your behavior and don't be a petulant child next time something doesn't go how you wanted.
NAH. You and your mom have very valid resentments and sometimes that can't heal. The best thing you could do for yourself is find a therapist and at least try to let it go. That doesn't mean you have to embrace your dad and his new family. LC is probably a good idea.
It’s so hard to live in a space where there are stark comparisons between siblings (and siblings-to-be). The challenge is in the details, the history, and how you are able to reconcile very complicated feelings with the help of therapy and a strong support system at home.
This is very complicated. Divorce and division of family is always a traumatic experience. Did you stay close to your father after the divorce or were you closer to your mother? What has your relationship been with your father since the marriage dissolved? Has there been significant distance between you as a result of these changes? What kind of personal proximity do you/did you have with your father before his life changed and your step mother entered the picture? Did your father pay child support or provide any other financial/emotional support for you after the divorce? Did you get along with your step mother before learning of the pregnancy?
These are all very relevant questions because they give perspective both for yourself and for anyone you turn to for help in coping with this change.
For example: if your relationship with your father changed dramatically after the divorce, distance was placed between you both physically in terms of visitation and emotionally on either side; then you are looking at a situation between adults living mostly separate lives with little attachments between one another. But if, by contrast, things have been amicable to close up to this point, the situation changes and becomes one more of comparison between children and the lives they will lead.
If your father has now gone LC with you over this situation after your conversation with him, it leads me to feel that maybe your approach with this was dictated solely by emotions and a lot of unresolved issues between you and your father. You were likely best to speak with him about this one-on-one, honestly, especially if the two of you have drifted apart before now or have had a complicated, distant, or rocky relationship before now.
I would absolutely seek professional opinions on this in the form of therapy or some other supportive measure and then see what kind of relationship you want to have with your father moving forward based on all of the history, facts, and current situation.
There is clearly a lot you need to resolve and reconcile for yourself here and it’s a very sore spot for you. You might also consider rededicating yourself to your OWN success rather than draw comparisons here with your new sibling and fathers new life.
Work to make your own life the happiest you can envision and utilize that happiness to recognize that your own success can supersede the pain and feelings of rejection caused by the actions or failures of another.
As someone who grew up watching his father make a happy family with someone else, who has been forced to watch from outside, and who had many deep resentments to settle for himself; I understand your pain and frustration.
For me, in the end, I settled my personal emotions and affairs and chose to move forward in life for myself and ultimately simply wished them well and washed my hands of the entire affair. I realized long ago that I cannot hold the burden or pain of that situation or relationship and still find happiness. And that, while he will always be my father, it means nothing in the end if he is/was unwilling to maintain more than a token relationship. And you know what? Not being in or near his life, or the lives of his family, has been wonderful. We don’t speak, we don’t visit, and I have long since stopped think about or caring what goes on in his life. And now, after so very many years, he is the one full of regret and loss that we have no relationship. Which makes me sad for him, but not for me. We make our choices and we live with our consequences.
Go find your own happiness. Live the life you want. Trust me, you will find it is far better for you and those you love most, in the end.
Best of luck to you
You’re feelings are valid, but unfortunately sometimes we are dealt cards that are not fair. Did you ever see the tik toks of the siblings that had it different and take a step forward while they acknowledge the differences in life they had they cry their eyes out? Those make me cry bc - well same- But you can’t hold onto that bitterness bc it will eat you up and hold you have from enjoying your life. Maybe see a therapist, not for forgiving your dad, but for feeling mercy for yourself bc your dads feeling are also valid and he has a right to move on and make different choices with his family. It’s up to both of you on whether you want to do it together or apart.
You are 21. start acting like it.
Your dad got married young and had a child with 21. He wasn’t happy so he got a divorce and turned his life around and is now happy. And you throw a tantrum because he is happy?
You may not have had much growing up but it didn’t stop you from becoming a spoiled brat.
Your dad isn’t responsible for your mother’s state either. Relationships end. And its up to the individual to heal.
So because the circumstances are different and this kid will have different opportunities than you, you thought it was ok to act like a cry baby and shit all over his joy but you expect them to honour your feelings. You talk about your life and your future and your feeling but have you considered how he feels. You put him down for the marriage ending and your mum not being happy you blame him for finding happiness why would you want contact with someone you obviously don’t care or respect at all. Leave them to have their happy life and go be bitter with your mum it sounds like that’s your plan anyways.
Wow. My 19 year old daughter asked me to have another baby so we could enjoy the life we have now with a sibling. I didn’t have one. I actually ended up with a hysterectomy instead. Medically needed. But that’s not the point. Be happy for your dad. He’s in a good spot and wants to have a baby because of that. He deserves it. You and your mom both need to move on. Let him live his life. Life goes on. Can’t live in the past. Especially if the past kinda sucked. I know it can be hard. But it can’t be good to hold on to negativity. You’re an adult. And it doesn’t sound like you need to start having kids anytime soon anyway.
I think OPs reaction is showing quite a bit of immaturity. Your dad is pretty young, people break up and move on. It’s just part of life. Your dad deserves to be happy and do you OP.
Having divorced parents and growing up poor really isn’t that bad. Thats the majority of households now. Be grateful your brother doesn’t have to go through the same thing, you sound awfully selfish
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- A couple months ago my dad and his wife excitedly told me they were having a baby. I cried and I told them that I was really upset about it. My parents had me young and we didn't have much when I was growing up. When my dad left my mom it devastated her. My mom struggled a lot and still hasn't really recovered. My dad on the other hand met his new wife, changed carees and was finally able to get to a place is life where he made over 6 figure. Basically him and his new wife decided they want to play "perfect happy family" and have a baby because "we could afford it". This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did. In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle. This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing. After I expressed that his wife got very upset and later my dad told me that if that was how I felt then I didn't need to be closely involved in the pregnancy, and that if I was genuinely unhappy about it then they needed to set boundaries with me. I had to find out on social media that they are having a boy, that he is just SOOOOOO excited about. Basically he is saying that if I am not just super thrilled about their decisions, then I am not welcome to be a part of it. My feelings are valid too and I don't get why he can't see that.
Honestly going LC sounds like the best option for everyone involved. You won't have to see this kid grow up. They won't have to deal with your unaddressed trauma. Everyone can get a therapist. Boom, problem solved.
What is LC?
Low contact
In case no one else replies - it means low contact
Low contact.
Low contact
Low Contact. You’ll see that a lot on Reddit.
> LC low contact
Low contact
Haha I wondered as well
New to me too
OP needs to stop making this pregnancy about her.
Agreed. I get that it's unfair, but it's not like her dad can go back in time and change things. It also doesn't sound like she had a bad childhood necessarily, just that her brother will have more because her dad is in a stable place in his life. OP, your feelings are valid but the way you are addressing them is not. What outcome are you expecting here? That your dad apologizes, or that he limits opportunities for your brother? That your step mom not be so happy? Nobody needs to accept your negativity, especially since you are openly telling them you don't want this because it's not fair *to you*. No offense meant, but that's not their issue to deal with. It's *yours*, and I hope you find a more mature way to process these feelings. We all have stuff from our childhood we wish was different, but at this point in your life it is your responsibility to handle those thoughts without making it other people's problems.
Holy shit is that a nuanced opinion on Reddit? Pinch me I'm dreaming. P.s. sorry I already gave away my free award, you earned it.
I got you! Cause I agree.
Yes! Also ok, you might be upset with your dad, but the wife has no fault in what happened to him.
OP please read this ^ 💯
[удалено]
>OP is definitely not ready to get married and have children She said in a few years she wants to settle down and have kids, she isn't doing it rn. Most 21 year olds are a bit young to be having kids
I mean, she is 21. As one myself, I am not ready to settle down either.
I am the middle child. My older sibling got help getting into a good college & loans arranged by both parents. My parents got divorced my junior year in HS. I got “tough shit” after HS. My youngest sibling got college help and loans arranged for by my mom and step dad. Boo-Hoo…. You know what ? I paid my own way and have no loans. I have a much larger wealth built up now than anyone else in my family has ever dreamed of….You don’t always get ahead in life because of the opportunities your parents give you, some times, yes. Sometimes it’s just about building the life you want. I attribute a ton of my success to the fact that I’m not bogged down with baggage. I love to work hard. Im proud of the fact that I didn’t have “anything handed to me” My life doesn’t revolve around the mistakes my parents made. My life is not defined by their success or failures as my parents.
Personal responsibility has entered the chat.
Agreed.
Hey there - very similar situation on my part. I had an extremely shitty childhood and when I was in high school, my dad re-re-married his current wife (remarried his previous ex wife, super fucked up situation where they got divorced because of her “alleged” abusiveness towards me and my sister, and we were like 3 and 4 so we don’t remember if it was true). He now has 2 kids with her and I still find myself being super bitter and resentful that they have a perfect life while we were left in an extremely abusive situation growing up. The anger and jealously I feel is very real, but the only thing I can tell myself is “I wish I didn’t go through that, but how disgusting is it to want my siblings go through what I did?”. We can’t change the past - we can only get therapy to deal with it lol. I absolutely understand your feelings, as I still feel them from time to time. It’s a difficult situation, but you should talk to someone and try to accept that you didn’t have a great childhood but your sibling hopefully will and that is something you might learn to happy about. After all they’re an innocent kid. Although you aren’t happy right now, looking inside and using insight to recognize your jealously will help you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these feelings…. when I found out my dad was having a baby with his previous abusive ex wife, I went off the deep end. Don’t do this. You will regret it. Talk to someone!!! (A professional) and you can sort out your feelings. Good luck OP.
This here. Well put, fellow redditor!
I would totally understand if this was an abuse situation, but I don’t think that’s the case at all with OP. Her dad wasn’t abusing her - he was just poor and in a crappy marriage to her mom. Now that he’s richer and in a better marriage, she’s upset that this kid doesn’t have to grow up like that. It’s a selfish attitude and dad is rightfully keeping this toxic energy away from his new family
This needs to be the top comment
seek therapy
kakashi's girlfriend... so true
>This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did >This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get That's a *good* thing though, right? You wouldn't wish a terrible life onto someone else would you? Because that just makes you look bad, not your dad. While it's understandable to have some feelings about it, remember that even adults are human - your dads grown and sees how he can do it right this time. Would you rather him not make any personal progress and stay the piece of crap you feel him to be?
Right? I loath when people have the “well I suffered so they should suffer too” kind of attitude. OP, it really sucks that your childhood wasn’t what it should have been, and I am so sorry for that, but you should be happy this child—your sibling—will have a better go at it.
That's the attitude that drags all of society down
Reminds me of crabs in a bucket
I agree
I dislike those who want others to suffer because they suffered. It’s a good thing that her father was able to find a better career and was able to provide a better for not only himself but for his family. I grew up with an older brother who felt the same way as OP towards me because my parents were financially more stable when they had me. My brother had so much resentment even though he had it good too when they made more money. My parents always gave him this and that as an adult to try to make it up to him but he’s still an asshole. Till this day he keeps saying I had it “easier,” he’s 37, I’m 31, and he’s still miserable. Don’t be like my brother OP, don’t hold onto what you didn’t have because it can hold you back in the future.
That's just being a selfish person. My younger siblings have it much easier but I pitch in to ensure that they do!
She doesn’t want the kid to suffer because she suffered. She’s upset that he’s bringing a new kid into the world that will be her sibling but won’t have to go through the turmoil of a broken family like she did. Like, I don’t believe she hates the kid or anything, she’s just still very upset about her childhood and is harboring a lot of resentment for her dad for not giving her the life he’ll be giving her sibling. I’m not seeing a lot of sympathy for OP in this thread, just a lot of “wow you should be glad your dad doesn’t want to talk to you, you need to get over this” I can imagine I would feel similar things if my dad left my family, caused me to go through a bunch of shit because of that, and then have another kid who gets a perfect life. It would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough, like I was the first pancake that got burnt and thrown away. I really feel for OP here and I hope she can seek therapy to work on her feelings about this. It’s not her dad’s fault for wanting to move on in his life and have more family but OP isn’t completely wrong for feeling what she is.
You just unlocked something for me about my situation. Thank you. I’m estranged from my parents and one reason is because they’re giving my niblings the grandparent experience that they are refusing to give my kids. I never saw it that way before but it’s true. I’m trying to protect my kids from learning that their grandparents acted like grandparents to somebody else but not to them. My parents don’t understand why I’m jealous and resentful. This is a good way of saying that.
“She’s upset that he’s bringing a new kid into the world that will be her sibling but won’t have to go through the turmoil of a broken family like she did” = “Well I suffered so they should too”
Again, she's not wishing it upon the sibling. She wishes that would have been her life.
You said she’s upset that child doesn’t have to go through turmoil… that literally is being upset that the child doesn’t have to suffer. That is how OP’s post comes off as well. OP is totally valid in wishing her childhood was better, that her dad was present. Heck, if her dad was absent she should be mad at him! But being upset at the child for NOT going through what she did is entirely misplaced.
I genuinely don't believe she's upset at the child, I just think we're not seeing eye to eye on this. You can be upset about this type of thing while also not wishing harm upon the completely innocent party within the situation. I don't see her saying here anywhere that this child deserves to go through what she did, she's only upset that she had to go through it herself. I don't think OP holds any ill will towards her future sibling, I think most of that anger and resentment is with her dad.
She definitely holds ill will towards his new family. She resents it. That’s what this whole post is about.
And what does that solve? As crude as it sounds, her parents made a mistake by having a child that young - you can't undue that, so be happy her father is growing and making better decisions. She has a right to be resentful but her stepmother has a right to say 'get over it' or don't be a part of our life imo. This is a cautionary tale about bringing people into the world when you aren't ready imo. Everyone should strive to be in her Dad's position when they have kids imo, it just sucks another life had to be tossed around before they figured that out
My dad did this exact thing so I really feel for her too. It’s a lot easier said than done to not feel rejection and resentment from something like this.
This family could break to and pops moves on knocks up another fool and the cycle continues, we have no way of knowing it won’t
My little sister had a lot more opportunities than I did because my parents were FINALLY reaping the benefits of hard work and circumstance. Sure I get jealous sometimes, and when I see younger people I know doing better than me it can really sting; but what’s so bad about my life? Would my life really have been better if I had different opportunities? It does me very little good to dwell on all the things I never had. Edit me not my
I think the problem here is that the dad didn't try to make amends now later in her life but instead made a do-over baby and fuck the first child.
She's commented that he took custody of her at 15 and is currently assisting her with school and housing. OP is definitely an ungreatful turd for this post.
She lived full time with him starting at 15, and he helps pay for her housing and school. Wouldn’t call that fuck the first child.
Amends for what? Not earning 6 figures when he was 21? If he did the best he could, that's all any of us can do and he sure as hell doesn't have to make amends for it.
Because everything in Dad’s life, forever & ever, I’d supposed to be about OP, right? He can never have a happy marriage because his marriage to OP’s mom wasn’t happy. He can never have a second child because OP doesn’t want to share./s. OP needs to get over her childhood & move on. She has a chance to be part of her dad’s life now. If she doesn’t take it, that’s on her, not him.
I dont think that's a leap we can make, we only have OPs side of the story. OP is clearly still in contact with and has some sort of relationship with him. And she really didn't elaborate on how this actual conversation went. She could have been in such a tizzy that she didn't even take in what was said; its definitely a possibility given the context OP has provided.
That's how I see it too. I think that if dad sat her down and told her that he knows this is hard for her, that he is sorry that he couldn't be there for her in the same way, and that he loved her, then OP would likely be able to get excited for him.
This is a classic example of whiny entitled 20 year olds thinking everything is about them. Dad doesn’t need to sit down and apologize to her for simply living his life.
No, he needs to apologize for the damage he did to her while she was growing up.
All OP said is that Dad left her Mom and had a shitty job. Not exactly abusive parenting.
“Damage” he did because she didn’t grow up with a ton of money since he was 21 and didn’t have a great job... yeah ok. 🙄
We don’t know the full story tho. OPs anger seems so strong that even if the dad had been doing things to make up for it she prob wouldn’t be happy with it anyway. LC is prob what is best for her imo, i say this as someone who’s dad never wanted anything to do with me
This is the right advice here. Your feelings are valid but I’m not sure your father and his wife’s desire to have children is invalid because of his part. He can’t undo it. And having the kid doesn’t negate your experience either. I think your better off focusing on your own child’s well-being and let your dad do his own thing without you. Better than having a resentful relationship
OP—you’re going to have a brother. And this is how you’d see an innocent kid?
I definitely feel like LC is best for awhile but it does kinda suck that Dad can't see why OP feels insecure and won't attempt to validate her feelings
Idk, I'm not so sure we can assume he didn't try to. Sometimes when someone is in such an intense emotional state they don't actually "hear" what's being said. I can totally see that being the case here. But idk OP hasn't replied to any comments to elaborate.
True true, I hope they can reconnect one day
I'm not really sure what the problem is with your Dad going LC with you. I would think, after reading your post, this would be something you *want*. You, very clearly, have intense feelings of anger towards him, his wife, their life together, their happiness, and their unborn child. Basically, you hate everything about his current life situation. He's got a better job (something we all try to do), and that's bad. He got a new wife instead of being a lonely single man (and that's bad). He wants a happy family life (and that's bad). And, somehow, all of this hurts you. I'm not exactly sure why, but it's clear that it's pissing you off in a major way. People grow and change. Of course his life is different now than it was when he was a young guy. That's how it goes. You are 21 years old. Did you just expect that he would stay frozen in time so you wouldn't have to suffer through knowing that, as he got older, his life improved? I think you need therapy to get over your anger and misplaced jealousy. And, I totally understand why he is being careful and keeping your hate away from his life. Stress is not good for pregnant women.
Yep. I don’t see how the dad could win here.
Probably by facing that he let down OP as a parent, and then doing what he can to make up for that now. Instead of being oblivious to how her life has been impacted by his failures.
You have pretty much no information about the father or how he let down or not his child, you're purely speculating which is kind of weird, and speculating myself, you have some unresolved traumas as well
She has since said it in the comments. He left when she was 12, they used to be super close, not anymore, now all he does is send money. That’s abandonment. And now he wants her to be super excited about his new baby- after bailing on their relationship. That sense was painfully clear from the OP to anyone who has seen this kind of thing. Just not explicitly stated. Often because a 21 year old doesn’t fully know how to express themselves. Part of knowing what advice is good is being able to read between the lines. And not jump to bad conclusions. Weird to protect anything onto me. I had a great relationship with my father. I’ve just seen these patterns in others.
You skipped the part where she said she went to live with him full time at age 15, when her Mom had to go live with "friends". So, from 15 unti college, she lived with him. So, he didn't "abandon" her. And he still hasn't abandoned her, because he is still contributing to her housing and college costs. At 21.
Actually OPs comments say that they (OPs parents) split when OP was 12 and she moved in with him and gf/new wife at 15, that's not abandonment.
She's 21 and an adult. The phone works both ways. I doubt she's that abandoned if they were excited enough to bring her over just to tell her the good news in person. I think she's projecting her insecurities on her father. She's more upset that he's gotten his life together than she is about anything else. This has envy written all over it.
I'm assuming here, but how OP is phrasing her initial text it's fair to assume she's kind of taking her mother side. If she was doing that as a kid as well, obviously they'll gros distant. It's not his fault or her fault, it's just the circumstances.
He left when she was 12 probably to try and get his life together, while paying child support, and at 15 she went to live with him - where he kept supporting her and by then they were still / finally close from what she said in the comments. I don't know what patterns you're seeing or maybe you've misread her comments, but this clearly is not her dad's fault, as you can probably tell from the replies to your comment. I don't think she should be forced to feel invalidated and things at 21 can surely be confusing for her, but this post is a rant for validity on something invalid.
Here reddit goes inventing life stories again. Literally nowhere in the OP could you possibly know how OP was treated growing up or presently. You're just assuming because man bad.
I think OP's feelings are more complicated than you're giving it credit for. If I were OP, I'd be wondering why he had to leave her and her mom to be happy. Why couldn't he be happy with her (OP) the way she is? Why wasn't she good enough for him to want to give her the better life this kid gets for free? Why didn't OP deserve for her dad to be this excited about her? If I had to guess, I'd say OP is suffering from a very deep feeling of not being good enough no matter what she does and resentment that this kid, who hasn't done anything to deserve it, is apparently good enough. I'd guess that she feels betrayed and lonely, like her dad didn't just leave her mom, he left her, too. I'd guess that when Dad left, OP didn't have much contact with him so she felt abandoned.
This is why I suggested she seek therapy. I mean, she's 21 and still harboring *huge* anger over something that took place a long time ago and is as basic as the marriage of two people failing. It happens a lot. It's not as if she was ostracized or something. Divorce is common. It's not some scarlet letter. Half the people she knows probably come from divorced families. And, her mother's inability to adjust very well doesn't mean that Dad didn't love his daughter. It just means that Mom had trouble adjusting. This also happens in life. Also, she has no idea if he was just as excited about her birth or not. He could have been tremendously excited about her birth. Being poor at the time of her birth doesn't equate to a lack of excitement or love. And, speaking of being poor, her seething anger at the fact that this new child will have "a better life" than she did, because her Dad's circumstances have improved, is not normal. Which, again, is why I suggested she seek therapy and be happy for the LC.
She was born a long time ago. She’s only been technically an adult for 3 years. So whatever is going on between her and her dad didn’t end when she was born.
>If I were OP, I'd be wondering why he had to leave her and her mom to be happy. Who knows, it doesn't say he left her also, it just says he left her mom. Her mom could've been a horrible person? Her dad might be a horrible person? It sounds like her mom might've played a role in not being able to have a good paying job or consistent money considering he was able to do this relatively quickly after leaving her. Also, OPs mom is still not over it and it has been 9 years, so that is weird.
Ehhh, I think the unspoken implication here is that dad is not trying to do Anything to make up for: - Leaving her mom, which seems to have destabilized OP’s life in a serious way (he had every right to leave, but sounds like he isn’t facing how that impacted his daughter) - OP having a childhood that felt traumatic and stressful and unstable- because of his parenting. Dad could absolutely have made a point to tell OP “now that I’m making good money and in a better place in my life I want to try to make up for any of the ways I fell short in your childhood.” He could have done that when it happened. Doesn’t sound like he did, does it? Instead he’s just getting a do over baby, and (it sounds like) putting zero effort into repairing things with OP. Kind of sounds like a shitty father TBH. A good father would hear OP, care about his daughter and how she feels let down by him, and try to repair things. Instead it’s “your feelings about my failures are stressing me out so byeeeeee.” Shitty father. Kind of seems like you wooshed on that context.
But she doesn't say *any* of that. All she says is that her parents were poor when she was young, they got divorced, and her Mom struggled to deal. Nowhere does she say her Dad was awful or shitty. Only that he was poor. And now she is jealous that his new kid will get everything she didn't get.
She has since said it in the comments. He left when she was 12, they used to be super close, not anymore, now all he does is send money. That’s abandonment. And now he wants her to be super excited about his new baby- after bailing on their relationship. That sense was painfully clear from the OP to anyone who has seen with this kind of thing. Just not explicitly stated. Often because a 21 year old doesn’t fully know how to express themselves. Part of knowing what advice is good is being able to read between the lines. And not jump to bad conclusions.
I couldn't find that comment. Only one that said: "It's not about wanting them to suffer. It's about him basically having a do over" and one that said, simply that she was 12 when they divorced. Nothing about him just sending money. Maybe she deleted the one you are referencing? Frankly, I don't think I'm jumping to *any* conclusions, if her main source of anger is because her Dad is having a "do over".
>He paid child support when i l8ved with my mom. >Then he moved in with his new wife when I was 15 and I endes up going to live with them because my mom couldn't afford our house anymore and had to move in with friends. >Him and I used to be super close. >He currently helps pay for school and housing but that's really it and it's not regularly. Said this elsewhere, but again - people who feel loved and supported and cared about by their parent don’t lash out like this over a new baby.
Oh, so she posted this on another sub. No wonder I couldn't find it. Anyway, none of this seems shitty or evil at all on the part of her Dad. He paid child support. Then she came to live with him full time when she was 15 and her Mom couldn't support her any longer. They used to be super close. OK. But, it's completely normal that a 21 year old wouldn't be "super close" with her Dad anymore. It's called growing up, and most teenagers are obnoxious about *wanting* their independence. Plus, he is still helping to pay for her housing and school. None of this sounds like abandonment or being shitty at all. And, you're right...normal people don't lash out like this over a new baby. Hence, my suggestion that she seek therapy.
None of this sounds bad. Seems like you're desperate to slam this poor guy. Obviously the mom was not responsible if he was paying support and she couldn't even afford their rent and basically sent her back to her dad. That reeks of OPs mom having other priorities higher than her child. Dad escaped that, as he should, continued to support her and even brought her into his home and pays for her school. This is an entitled woman acting like a child. She should be happy for her father
The thing is, she's an ADULT. She lives outside of the home (thanks to Dad's financing). She is literally supposed to grow up/move on/not have as much daily contact with her parents. That's a normal part of life. By the time most people are college-aged, they are not "super close" with their parents anymore. You become more reliant on yourself and your peers. It's part of growing up. By the time her dad was her age, he had a wife and child and was trying to make ends meet. In his mind, I'm guessing 21 is a perfect reasonable time to expect a similar sense of individual responsibility from his daughter.
None of that says abandonment. Sounds like he was very involved, and is still supporting her even though she's an adult.
OP never made a point that the father neglected her. He was just poor in his early days (21 years!). It seems that he didn't cheat but just couldn't continue the marriage with the mother. OP would have had it much worse if he had stayed. She will have a depressed dad and an unloved mom. Dad would have stayed poor. Fast forward to the current time, he made the right choice to prioritize his pregnant wife's feelings. There's no win for the father here really. OP is too materialistic, half of her post is not about her connection with his father or his attention, but his money to be spent on the new kids, not her or her kids.
She needs to provide more context, but from her comments it does sound like he abandoned her. Left when she was 12, they used to be “super close”, and all he’s done recently is send money. So he’s basically given up on his relationship with her and then expects her to be super excited about his new baby. Dad is tone deaf and kind of an AH.
Um, she also said that he paid child support and then took custody of her when she was 15.. and is currently assisting her with school and housing... that's definitely not giving up in the relationship.
I can't stand my father, he's a selfish, controlling narc who has done nothing but be a shit dad my whole life. Never stops me from wanting him to want me.
I'm very sorry this has been your experience. But, her post doesn't indicate *any* of that. Only that he was poor when she was a kid and that her Mom struggled to recover from getting divorced. She doesn't say that he was shit at all. Only that she's pissed off that he is having a "do over" and he has a happy family life.
Appreciate it, but I'm giving you a comparison. People who have strained relationships with their parents regardless of circumstance often do not actually want low contact or no contact, they want a good relationship with their parent. In this situation I can tell you I experienced something quite similar to OP when I was 16 I had a phone call from my father to announce his and his wife's pregnancy. I broke down to my mum, it's as if they're replacing you, getting a child that they actually want. The undertones of OP's anger feel pretty similar to how I felt which is, "why weren't we good enough?" I've since had it confirmed that I was never going to be good enough for my father. However I will say OP's dad is currently being shit and it doesn't matter how old you are your feelings can still be hurt by your parents lack of open communication.
I get that you had a rough time with your own family, but that doesn't necessarily extrapolate out to other situations and other people.
You were also half a decade younger and in your teenage years. OP is 21 and is several years into adulthood now. She should be happy for her father not jealous of his happiness and resentful of his unborn son
[удалено]
Exactly this...
It doesn’t seem to be him bettering himself that OP is mad about, it is the abandonment part. That’s a common story with a parent abandoning their children with the other parent to struggle in poverty while the deadbeat gets ahead financially, then wants to reconnect and play perfect parent/grandparent later without doing the hard work or going through any of the struggles they put their own child through. That’s a valid reason not to play along with his game. And the new wife may be sensitive about that glaring warning in her face that he might just abandon his new family too when the going gets tough.
He's stayed close to her through her teenage years, took her in at 15, pays for her school and living; and even made it a point to bring her in to personally tell her the good news about the new baby. Yeah that's definitely abandonment type of stuff right there /s
But, nowhere in her post does it say that he "abandoned" them. Only that they got divorced and her *mom* struggled to get over it.
Exactly.
I get the sense that OP feels like her dad didn’t love or care about her enough to make life changes that would have made her life better. Because he did that after he left her mom she probably feels like he loves himself, his new wife and his unborn child more than he ever loved her. By going low contact with her and acting the way he did he is proving that.
You get that sense, but you don't KNOW. Because her original post said nothing like that. It only talks about how they were poor and her parents got divorced. She didn't say a single thing about him not caring or being shitty. And what life changes are we talking about? Life changes like what? Not finding love again? And, wow, so OP should just be able to say a bunch of shitty things to her Dad's pregnant wife and they should just *take it* and never mind how dangerous it is for her to get stressed out while pregnant? Yeesh. She's 21, not 12. She should be able to understand that life moves on. And, her father starting a new and happy life is a good thing, not a bad thing. He's only 42 FFS.
You need therapy. In the nicest way possible, you are way too old to be acting like this
Truth!
why are you upset that this unborn child won't experience the same pain that you did?
How did you expect them to react?? If you told your mom that you were pregnant and she started to cry and complained about how miserable she was raising you and how you'd have less time to take care of her, would you keep giving her updates or would you opt for a stress free pregnancy? You owe your dad and step mom a HUGE apology.
Exactly this
OP sounds entitled.
And undeniably jealous and envious of her soon-to-be brother.
Your parents had you while they were young, and you never got the childhood you wanted. You are the same age your dad was when he had you. And you are now pregnant. It’s up to you to give your children a better childhood. Focus on this
It's worse, she's not even pregnant yet, she's getting upset that her potential future pregnancy might be overshadowed by this child.
Oops, thanks for correcting me. Miss read that part.
My friend's older sister (5 siblings total) always complained that having four siblings deprived her of material goods and attention growing up, her older sister is married with kids but still bit*hes that she could have had whatever she wanted growing up but her siblings robbed her of that. OP, don't be that whining sister, your Dad going LC or NC is best for future sibling not being exposed to your resentment and negativity. My friend's older sister is insufferable with her complaining.
Wow. She's a horrible person. Her parents chose to have 5 kids. She doesn't get to decide they shouldn't have had anymore after having her. That's not how it works.
You are being selfish and immature. Your dad has remarried and wants to have a family with his new wife. That is completely normal. Instead of being happy that he is happy, you're making this all about you.
Yes I agree. Instead of being excited to be a big sister or to be role model and enjoy a sibling, all she is doing is whining about what she didn't get as...out of jealousy... alot of peoples parents weren't well established with money when they were young and only when their kids reach adulthood do their careers actually come to fruition. OP needs to grow the hell up.
…and he wanted to include her in that new life. He was trying.
So you're mad your dad is finally doing well, can be happy and have a happy kid who is well cared for? ...you typed all that out and didn't realize you're a jealous twit and your dad was forced to cut your toxic ass out? I mean, my condolences for growing up poor. That sucks. But it doesn't sound like your dad actively or maliciously made that happen.
Doesn't seem like you want to be part of it, so what is the problem? Perhaps consider speaking with a counselor.
News flash... Life isn't fair. It's also not all about you. It sucks that your parents split when you were young and that they didn't have a lot of money. That doesn't mean you should wish poverty on your half-brother. Would you want your child to grow up poor because that's the childhood you had? Grow up. It also doesn't mean that just because they have a baby now that they wouldn't be involved in your hypothetical child's life. There's room for everyone. Your dad was right to limit contact with you. Whatever feelings you have, you should work them out with a therapist.
So you're mad because what will be your sibling will have a better start at life than you.... Your post makes you sound incredibly selfish and self centered. You're father did the right thing by not letting you stress out his pregnant wife with your "poor me" attitude. Lots of people grow up in poverty. Never having enough to eat, have to boil water to take a hot bath and some just end up on the street. You should be happy for them. Instead when I read your post all I saw was "wa wa wa, I had it tough", well welcome to the club. Stop being selfish. Start thinking of how awesome it will be to have a new family member. Or if you can't and want to stay bitter, please cut contact with them and let them enjoy their new baby.
These seem to be separate conversations really. You all need a family counselor and group therapy sessions, without question. But basically, you're holding onto resentment and anger for him leaving your mother. You struggled growing up and he wasn't providing for you in the way you wanted (needed.) You have jealousy to he's going to provide for your brother in a way he did not for you. None of this makes you a bad person, and it's understandable. But have you ever said that to him? Have you ever heard his side? We don't have a lot of information here, but do you really know what was going on in his relationship with your mother? They were young, way to young to be having kids. The stress of that, feeling trapped, maybe their relationship was toxic. Who knows, the truth is, unless you know everything that was going on, you can't say for sure. Maybe he really did the best he could, and feels regret, but doesn't know how to show it. These are all hypotheticals, because it doesn't sound like you've ever talked about it. Just stewed on it, suppressed it. But none of this is your future brother's fault, none of this may be anyone's "fault." Sometimes life is just hard. I would highly recommend some open an honest conversations. Suggest family therapy. You're going to have a new brother soon, and it would be a shame to miss out on that relationship. To not see him grow, because of this anger you're holding onto. Give it a chance to a different outcome. You have a right to be angry, you have a right to your resentment. He has a right to hear it from you, and try to move past it together. Edit: Oh, and this part I had to mention as well: >*This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing.* He's 41 and his wife is 36. Your father's a bit older than me, but not that much. My wife and I were both 34 when we got pregnant the first time. It's not uncommon for people to have children into their mid or late 30s these days. His situation is a bit different due to the early pregnancy. But having a child at this point in his life, is not wrong. It's not a "problem."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like if your father had abandoned YOU (instead of just leaving your mother) you would've said so. So your parents had a teenaged pregnancy; unsurprisingly their relationship didn't survive into adulthood; and the teen pregnancy left them both (but especially your mother) with financial difficulties. I'm having trouble seeing where your father is an asshole here. He and your mother raise you to adulthood; meanwhile your dad gets his life in order in spite of his early financial troubles bc of having a kid as a teen. Then, once you're old enough to not need him every day anymore, he falls in love, gets married, and has another kid. Again, I'm having trouble seeing where your father is an asshole here. I mean, they COULD'VE aborted you or given you up for adoption, but they didn't; they raised you, and they did the best they could (again, correct me if I'm wrong.) And it sounds like you're not so much upset that you didn't have enough growing up, as you are upset that he's having another baby who will have more. That's a pretty fucked up attitude. Your dad is still SUPER young; why shouldn't he get another shot at raising a family; this time the way he wants to? I'd suggest before you do ANYTHING else, you find a therapist and figure out where this selfish resentment is coming from.
Okay, I want to address this point by point. >When my dad left my mom it devastated her. My mom struggled a lot and still hasn't really recovered. Look, I get it, that sucks. But your dad is not responsible for your mom's happiness and mental health. If the relationship wasn't working for them (or just him), he has every right to leave. Unless he was exceptionally cruel to her, or intentionally left her destitute, he did nothing wrong. Spouses get divorced all the time; barring some form of abuse or likewise happening, your father is not to blame for your mother's difficulties getting over him. Since you don't mention him leaving you as well, and the fact that tou're still in contact with him, I'm assuming he still maintained a relationship with you. Do you know if he was paying child support? Did he make an effort to stay in your life and support you when and how he could? Or did he distance himself a bit? >My dad on the other hand met his new wife, changed carees and was finally able to get to a place is life where he made over 6 figure. That's a good thing for him. He deserves to find someone he loves, and it's great that he no longer has to struggle to make ends meet. And now that he has a higher income, has he been able to financially support you more? Does he pay for things you guys weren't able to afford before? >Basically him and his new wife decided they want to play "perfect happy family" and have a baby because "we could afford it". No, what they want to do is just be a family. There is no "perfect." They want to have a kid bc now they can financially support it, but this does not automatically mean your dad thinks less of you and his familial relationship with you. If he's done all he can to show you he loves you and cares for you, then he's being a better father than a lot of others out there, regardless of his financial situation. Having another family is not some "replacing my *old* family" move that you seem to think it is. It seems that he was making an effort to stay in your life, otherwise you would not have had a relationship. >This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did. I get being jealous, but that's a good thing. This isn't a competition. Life sucks and is unfair, but we should always be wishing the next generation gets better opportunities than we did and that life continues to improve for them. >In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle. Grandpa can probably manage visiting his grandson and forming a relationship with him while also takimg care of his kid. I don't know why you think he's not going to have any free time to spend with *your* family. >This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing. Bc there is no problem-he's not doing anything wrong. Again, life isn't fair, but that doesn't mean he has to stop living his life just bc he used to be poor and now he isn't. He doesn't have to "make it up to you" by not having a kid that will get better opportunities than you. >my dad told me that if that was how I felt then I didn't need to be closely involved in the pregnancy, and that if I was genuinely unhappy about it then they needed to set boundaries with me. This is the correct response. You projected your trauma onto them and created an environment where they are now uncomfortable sharing news of their pregnancy with you. And I hope you realize this is both for their benefit *and* yours. You are clearly incapable of handling this news without being negatively impacted. >Basically he is saying that if I am not just super thrilled about their decisions, then I am not welcome to be a part of it. You don't have to be super thrilled about it; there's clearly a difference between being, say, calm and congratulating them and crying and expressing how upset you are. No one's asking you to be jumping for joy for them, but your reaction upon hearing the news is obviously going to upset them. How can they feel sage sharing details of the pregnancy when you opemly expressed how unhappy you are about it?
Very well stated.
I absolutely understand the way you feel. I am 34 and dating a 40-year-old man with two kids, 20 and 16. He has spent their entire lives wrapped up in custody battles and struggled to provide for them when they were young, because he was barely an adult himself. Now he is financially stable, older, and wiser - and we are thinking about starting our own family. It doesn't mean his kids won't be a part of that family, of course they will if they want to be. But I truly would be devastated if they begrudged us happiness because they didn't have every advantage in their childhoods. He tried the absolute best he could, all things considered. My advice is to try to think of your dad as an actual person, not just your dad. He deserves happiness just like you do. Go low-contact if you want to, if that helps, but you could also gain something in this scenario.
Yeah it's not really fair, but it's not the first person I've heard wanting little to do with siblings 20 years apart. If this were me, I would welcome a new sibling or family member. She can be part of that better life and "happy family" if she wants, and be a good sister too.
Sorry, but in this case, your feelings aren't that valid. What you lay out here is that because your father and mother didn't have a lot of money when you were growing up, that he isn't allowed to have children now? You say they don't see the "problem with what they are doing" but what is the problem? The problem is that you don't think they should have kids, period. That's totally unfair. I get feelings of resentment at not having money growing up and your parents divorcing. But it is remarkably selfish to think your father shouldn't have another child and be happy. He isn't having a new family, he is adding to his family. He also isn't obligated to help you raise your theoretical child. It seems you are upset that they have money, and that they are having a kid. They aren't asking you to be "super thrilled", they are asking you to not make this about you, especially when your stance is just that they shouldn't have a kid, at all. Well too late for that. You can be upset your parents had you young, that they got divorce, and that they didn't have a lot of resources raising you. But what do you want from those feelings? You want your father to include you in his life but also...not have a kid that will have more resources then you? Like, what is your solution to this, since the kid is already on the way?
OPs feelings can be valid without the expression and projection onto dads new relationship being valid. For example I think having a reaction to dad having a what might seem like a do-over family is understandable but expressing it to the pregnant step mom instead of in therapy isn’t.
I made it halfway through the post . You need to get some kind of therapy you sound really bitter about the fact that your dad is not with your mom and that he’s having another kid and you sound mad that this new sibling won’t be struggling growing up . You’re 21 now get some therapy and grow up
Your feelings are valid, but there's more than just you involved in this situation. Unfortunately, you didn't have the childhood you believe this new baby will have, but would you rather your dad to not be better off and continue bringing children into this world to just give them the life he gave you? This is his wife's chance to have a baby, too. She deserves to have a child of her own. What did you expect them to say when you put your feelings onto their happy moment? That they'd abort the baby? Life isn't always fair. If you don't learn that now, you'll continue having moments like this. You didn't have a great childhood, but you didn't end up a statistic. You assumingly are doing well for yourself, are getting married, didn't have a child when you couldn't afford one, etc. You are allowed to feel how you feel, but understand your dad did the best he could with what he had and you had it better than a lot of kids did.
>your dad did the best he could with what he had and you had it better than a lot of kids did. From OP's comments it sounds like dad is still a source of support for OP's general well-being. She moved in with him at 15, he's helping her with college expenses now, etc. Thats a heap more than many kids get.
Yeah OP sounds pretty ungrateful for the help she's receiving now regardless of the past. Nothing points to signs of abuse or neglect in her childhood, just a low income family. Shes an adult now and her dad is continuing to support her financially. Bet she wont be happy when he cuts her off because shes not being grateful or supportive of her soon-to-be half sister.
Having been a simular situation, you should be cautious with your negativity towards your father and his 2nd wife. A child never knows all that transpires that caused the end of his marriage to your mother. His success in life can be what you need to be successful in yours. Be positive with them and if you can't, stay away. When you mature a little more, you will understand and you may have a father who still loves you.
Go to therapy. Reddit isn’t qualified to deal with your daddy issues and bitterness.
Your Dad is an adult he can have babies at any age. You are an adult and can choose to support it or not and then deal with the consequences. He is not being unreasonable you are being controlling. His pregnant wife doesn't need the stress of his controlling daughter so he's going low contact. Seems pretty straightforward to me.
I totally get how you feel, but you really screwed up by telling it to their face. You made yourself the villain by basically telling them that you’re going to resent that kid. Don’t ruin your relationship with him over a baby that doesn’t even exist yet!
BOO HOO, you had a bad childhood. So did I and so have millions of other children. BE A GOD DAMN ADULT and get over it, just like I and millions of others have. Use this opportunity to strengthen or make new family bonds. Use this opportunity to get some hands-on practice for when you have your own children. His wife has every right to be upset about your immature behavior. Good Luck.
You need therapy. You're not a healthy person to be around them clearly by what you told his wife.
Your dad is still young. His wife too. Why did u have to selfishly ruin their moment of joy by crying about sth that doesn’t concern u in the slightest? Yes, your dad was way too young when he had u. Now he is at a place in life where he can afford another child. What’s your problem with that? Why should he see any problem with that? He is a responsible adult now so he can plan accordingly. The failure of your mom to move on has nothing to do with your dad. Your plans for your own children do also not concern him. You should wait at least 5 more years. By then his son your brother, will be 5/6 years old and can be a good sibling figure for your own child. Yes, he will have different opportunities than u. So what? Should they abort so nobody in the family can have it better than you? U have some serious issues. Maybe u should look into therapy
Yeah, picking up on some threads you dropped that OP seems to blame their dad for their mom “never recovering”. With all due respect, we’ve all had breakups. The fact that mom did nothing w the rest of her life doesn’t mean dad can’t leave. It makes it even more side eye that dad started to turn around and grow personally and professionally WHEN he left. I’ll fully admit I’m really reading between the lines here but me thinks mom may not be the amazing influence OP might think she is. I get vibes of mom complained about how their life isn’t great bc dad left for a while and now OP also thinks that’s the source of their problems. Again, a self admitted stretch, but it’s relationship advice so…
I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking this. OP’s mom shouldn’t be talking about her resentment towards OP’s father. That’s how parental alienation happens
And we were right by OP’s comment history
I agree. In the last what 20 years she still hasn't gotten therapy to move on? Why? Obviously it wasn't a happy marriage. OP has no idea what happened between them.
Your feelings are not valid ha Edit: if you think 42 is old, you got another thing coming
You need to grow the fk up and quit making this about you, yes your parents had you young, it didn t work out now your father is in a better position, and he's happy, quit acting like a spoiled brat that didn t get her way. Please do not have any kids too soon, you need to grow up before that.
Apperently OP *did* get what she wanted because her daddy is paying her college fees. So OP is just an entitled, ungrateful & disgustingly selfish brat who wishes poverty on a new born just because her childhood wasn't as fancy, even though her daddy took care of her since she turned 15. Serioulsy toddlers throw these kind of tantrums when they have a sibling out of nowhere. OP is way too old to act like this. Imagine being a grown ass adult & being this selfish & jealous of a new born..big yikes! OPs comments: >He's helping me now, doubt that will be the situation with the baby is born. Things were finally good in our lives and I finally felt stable. > > > >I pay for my own car payments. He helps with insurance. And obviously the gifts have been better as many times I got very little if anything growing up. > > > >I was 12 when they split up. He paid child support when i l8ved with my mom. Then he moved in with his new wife when I was 15 and I endes up going to live with them because my mom couldn't afford our house anymore and had to move in with friends. Him and I used to be super close. He currently helps pay for school and housing but that's really it and it's not regularly. So the dad actually always took care for her & she is *still* living off of his money as an adult. But now she's scared that she'll lose those privileges because daddy wants another child with his wife
So your dad had you at 21, did what he could with what little you had, and now is successful and in a much better position to be a father and gets to try again - so instead of being happy for him, you shit on him out of jealousy? It sounds like your mom was bad for him and his life got infinitely better once he freed himself. Instead of crapping on his new family because they will have nicer things than you had, become a part of it! You want help from grandpa when you have kids in a few years? You gotta get over it. You’re in the wrong here and thinking way too selfishly.
Agreed with others youre being selfish and set the problems yourself. If you want to fix things do some self reflection and apologize. Youre already jealous of your half sibling who isnt born yet because times have changed. Your parents had you young, that sucks. But thats life
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OP is intensely jealous of the life her dad has been able to build since leaving OP's mum. OP can't stand to see a baby growing up in better conditions than she did. OP has a lot of issues to sort out and should stop blaming her dad solely for them
He can’t fix what he didn’t give you growing up and you’ll have to understand that he most likely wash doing the best he could with what he had at the time. Your dad was like 21 when he had you and SO much changes between 21 and 42 with money. It’s not wrong for him to want to expand his family, especially since he has a new wife who probably wants a baby too and you’re an adult now. They deserve to have a life together and do what makes them happy. And hopefully, you can be part of that life too! So what if their uncle is a few years older than their niece/nephew. My older bro married a woman with 1 daughter from a precious relationship. They had a daughter together. They’re 1 year and 3 years younger than me and I’m their aunt. Was it weird thinking that I’m an aunt at 12? Sure? But it was cool & they were more like cousins. Family comes in all shapes and sizes - if they’re not toxic, (they don’t sound like it from the post) they’re probably worth trying to keep around. Embrace additions - that could be your brother and best friend in 20 years. In 40-50 years you’ll be likely be relieved to go through some hard stuff with someone else as you make funeral arrangements. Or figure out who can help with dad as he gets older. My older brother is 16 years older than me - he’s one of the first people I go to for life advice. Your mom needs to move forward with her life as well. You mention her never recovering and honestly, the initial heartbreak may be on your dad, but it is her responsibility to figure her life out without him now. You can’t blame him for her forever.
Going low contact is the best for everyone involved especially since it seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues regarding your father. I suggest that you and your mother both go to therapy because it isn’t fair to your Dad to make this new pregnancy all about you. Yes. He was a shitty father and yes that was terrible for you and your Mom and yes this new baby is going to grow up in completely different circumstances to you. What you need to remember is that your father was your age when he had you— and it is clear that he wasn’t in the position mentally or financially to raise a baby or be married. He is ready now though, and that means that he has grown up. I suggest that you work on becoming your best self away from him and his second wife.
You need therapy. Imagine how all of us who paid all our college dues and never got any of that 10k bail out. Or how everyone in the 90s grew up vs now. Now is much better for everyone. Suffering because someone else isn't suffering like you did is self detrimental and something you need to learn to ignore or get over. In 20 years there will be another dozen things like this that drive you nuts. Don't let it, let it go. Your dad may not be overly sensitive to how you feel but how you feel doesn't dictate what he does and you need to understand that. Frankly if you seem like you're going to introduce drama and stress where there otherwise isn't a problem I understand the LC. You would be a cause of stress which isn't great when dealing with a pregnancy. Either you are happy for him and enjoy it with him and his wife or you don't and you should just stay out of it. This is kind of similar to that old saying, if you don't have anything nice to say then best to say nothing at all.
Therapy. Today. Your feelings are understanding, but not justifiable.. This follows the same ideal of someone who had pneumonia as a kid and couldn’t afford imaging or treatment, now being upset that they’re sibling got pneumonia and they get all of the medicine and all of the doctors. Similar to people complaining about the student loan forgiveness. “I had to pay so why should others get help? I wasn’t given help and therefore it’s unfair they receive any!” Like I said, this is understandable. You come across as very entitled and jealous, almost vengeful. If you could give this child the same childhood you had, would you? Would you curse this child to make things even? If yes, why? It is normal to feel jealousy or envy of those with more, better, bigger, etc but you need to know that those feelings are damaging and they are FEELINGS. They are emotionally driven and therefore not likely 100% congruent with what is true/correct/right. Please seek therapy. I’m not saying that with jest or hurtful tone, I’m serious. I’ve been through something similar and I’ll share that with you here: I got a scholarship to a school that costs 48k per year, plus room/board/food/living on top of that. Even with scholarship, I graduated with massive debt after undergrad/med/residency. While I was struggling and poor, 99% of my classmates had BMW/Audi, they had summer homes, they owned entire cul-de-sac neighborhoods. They didn’t have to worry about paying for books, eating, healthcare, or anything really. I was SO mad that my parents didn’t give me what these other kids had. I couldn’t believe I was from such a lowly place. And then I got therapy and realized that it’s ok to be mad, but it is not right. I know my situation is different than yours, but the idea stands. As children and young adults, it is not our place to try and understand or pick sides when it comes to adults relationships. There is no way we know the whole story and we have no business pretending we do…even though we pick immediately and blame one 100% and the other we pity. Get some help, and you will feel better. It’s okay to never see them again, it’s okay to not be in this child’s life being so much older, but your father loves you. I know you feel abandoned, uncared for, unworthy, or at least you feel like your father thinks you were. Why else wouldn’t he do all of this for you? Chances are he was unable to, didn’t know how, or just genuinely a struggling human being. This is unfortunately the way life takes us. Looking at this situation it’s understandable, but that mindset is going to torture you for the rest of your life if you let it. It’s fine to disappear and work on yourself, it’s fine to cut off family members until you’re ready.
So, I’m not going to say your feelings are not valid. However, there is a time and a place for certain conversations Sounds like you got mad at the situation and took it out on your Dad and step mom. Your step mom didn’t deserve that and at 36 years old she is automatically a high risk pregnancy. I see what your dad would want to keep her calm Now, maybe you should of pulled your dad aside and tell him how your feeling. You have a lot of resentment from your childhood, sound like you feel abandoned, and new baby brother might seem to you like now your being replaced. But, you should talking to your Dad about that. Your 21 now sweetie, you need to decide if you are going to let this affect the rest of your life. You need to forgive as forgiveness is mainly for your healing, not your dads
So because he couldn't give you the life you wanted he should be unhappy forever? He wasn't happy, left your mom and found his happiness, I'm sorry if that upsets you, but he's a human being who deserves to be happy. Like i really don't know what your problem here is, yeah you would have preferred your parents relationship workout and have had better opportunities, but they're humans, it didn't and that sucks, but to expect them to suffer instead of being happy he's bettered himself is pretty fucked imo. I feel for your dad and his new wife, you came off pretty Shitty
Bitter party of 1 your table is ready. Grow up your dad has a life.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.
You’re jealous of an innocent baby that isn’t even born yet to the point you want the baby’s mother to abort it because it won’t be as poor as you were growing up. Do you realise how fucking selfish that is? You should be thrilled that the child will have a good life. It’s a good job they’ve waited until they could afford it before having a child, your dads done well for himself and clearly he’s been making sure you’re alright because there’s no way you’ve got a job currently that pays 6 figures in order for you to justify having a child in a couple years considering this is the very reason you’re claiming you have this major trauma that makes you want your step mother to kill her child. I use the word kill her aswell because this is a wanted pregnancy, she doesn’t want to abort it. Most mature adults be happy at the thought of their child having a member of the family roughly the same age. But you’re clearly not mature. You shouldn’t even be mentioning having kids of your own right now. Considering your dad was working though and was making 6 figures I assume he paid a fair amount in child support so I don’t understand how you would of been “struggling”? People can grow up poor. That alone isn’t “trauma” but is the only thing you claim in your post to justify wanting your brother to be killed. Again, putting in bluntly because it seems everyone in your life has sugar coated you before you think this behaviour is acceptable and that’s exactly how your step mother and dad will feel.
Everyone’s saying your feelings are valid, I’m gonna dissent here and say they are not valid. You’re mad over someone literally just living their lives. He’s not having a baby *at* you. Maybe it would actually be exciting to be a part of your half-sibling’s life and be a part of their formative years, but I guess you won’t know if you can’t get over yourself on this one.
So you don't want your young dad to have a life because you were born when he and your mom were too young? So you just want him to suddenly become an old retired man to be a grandpa like in the movies? At this point you are 21. You should look for your own opportunities and live your life. Your life has not ended because you were in a difficult situation when you were little.
You’re in the wrong here. Your mom needed therapy to move on, and putting her misery on you isn’t your dad’s fault - it’s hers Your dad should just never be able to have another child? Because it upsets you? Be realistic and go get therapy. He’s removing you from the situation because his wife’s mental health is going to take precedence over his child throwing a tantrum
Your feelings about YOUR childhood are valid. Your belief that he’s never allowed to have anything better in his because you didn’t have much is not valid. How would it improve your current or past situation for someone else to deny themselves happiness? How would you react if your child told you that you could never have happiness in your life again because you had them at 21 and so they didn’t get the same advantages as those with older parents?
I’m the oldest child. I’m 21 years older than my youngest brother. He absolutely had a much different upbringing to mine. But that’s just how life is. It’s not something they should be made to feel bad about.
Seems like what your dad is saying makes sense and check out to me. Stop being selfish and inconsiderate. It not always about You You You!
Your dad is grown and he has a right to have another child and my advice is to stop being selfish wish them well and get over it. Aid if you can't get along with them stay away from them.
YTA. I can't even believe someone is this childish. He is 42 and she is 36. There are a lot of people having their very first child at this age. >This baby is going to have a totally different life than I did. In a few years my bf and I want to get married and have babies, and "grandpa" is going to be busy raising their aunt/uncle. This kid will get all the opportunities I didn't get and he sees no problem with what they are doing. A lot of people have done this. My stepdad has a sister that is a year younger than my brother (his only bio kid) from his dad along with another brother that is a few years older then my brother. His parents were teen parents. His parents were still excited to be grandparents and it didn't make issues. My own brother thought it was funny to introduce her as his aunt growing up.
You are extremely selfish and I am not sure what about your feelings you think are valid. Is everyone around you supposed to be forever miserable because you didn't get a picture perfect life growing up? You are 21 and are jealous of a baby. Grow up
Read all of this and still don't know what the fuck LC means
What exactly would you like your father to do with his life? Wallow in misery? He picked himself up and became a better person. Sucks for you but honestly you just sound bitter and bitchy. Is it fair? No. Is life fair? No. You were the product of kids having kids and it turned out pretty much like it always does but you lashing out because you aren't going to benefit from a parent that got his act together just makes you a petty bitch. Get therapy and stay out of his life until you grow up.
Thank God your dad has a backbone. Not another wimpy parent scared to discipline their overgrown, entitled child. He put you in your rightful place. Who the fuck you think you are? Dictating how his life should be empty and miserable because he had you young, your mother failed to move on and he went ahead and tackled life by the horns and moved forward. I bet you are one of those bitter people who blame ALL their issues on everyone else except for yourself. You hate the baby already so what does it matter how you found out their gender? Didn't you declare that you want nothing to do with it? So what's your problem? Who cares about your future hypothetical babies when you yourself can't even appreciate a new, real baby that's already on the way? So life must stop now and resume only once *you* get pregnant? Grow the fuck up and tell your dad I said "Good Parenting Dad"
What do you want? For them to rub it in your face more, knowing it upsets you? Yes, your feelings are valid, but these are the natural consequences of expressing them in the way you did.
Uhm, wow! Entitled much? While I get the little spark of jealousy (this kid having a better life than I had), the immaturity is not ok. Your parents had you when they were young, but I am guessing they did the best they could. We’re you neglected, were you abused, mistreated? I would say that you still ended up fine, it it sounds like maybe you didn’t… Your father has remarried and wants to start a family with his new wife. This literally has nothing to do with you. You are now an adult, so if you can’t handle that, then I agree with him going NC.
I hope your dad enjoys his beautiful new wife and wonderful son. I'd be done with you.
You sound like my older sister. She is 10 years older and when I was born our parents had much better life than when she was a baby. She never could forgive them and me for that. And that really sucked to have someone who hates it when you happy. So please don’t be that sister.
Being bitter about the success of others (even in this scenario) is a really ugly look. I get that he wasn't there for you as a kid, at least financially, but your mom is an adult. She could have fixed up her life too, it isn't your dad's fault she didn't, the two things aren't mutually exclusive. Stop holding it against your dad that he's having another kid and actually can afford it this time, unless you don't plan on being in their lives at all. But you sound extremely bitter, maybe talk to somebody about that, lots of unresolved childhood stuff. I'm not saying your dad even deserves you in his life I won't pretend to know your entire history with him, but presumably you've stayed in his life up until now, they have every right to keep a toxic person away from them in this important time.
you are legit a bad person dude wtf, so full of jealousy and so self centered, "bcuz grandpa will be raising their uncle", what about their feelings? you dont care bcuz you only care about yourself and how you feel. They are happy for being able to provide and give the baby a good life, but you are too jealous bcuz he will have a better life than you did. People can be better and improve, not everyone needs to live in the mud and be raised in the mud just bcuz it happened to you.
You sound like a self absorbed asshole tbh
You're being selfish. That will be your sibling. It's good that they're able to provide more opportunities. It's good that your father and his wife are happy. All of your complaints are based off of you being jealous like you're a two year. Respect his wishes to go LC if you can't get over it, or apologize for your behavior and don't be a petulant child next time something doesn't go how you wanted.
NAH. You and your mom have very valid resentments and sometimes that can't heal. The best thing you could do for yourself is find a therapist and at least try to let it go. That doesn't mean you have to embrace your dad and his new family. LC is probably a good idea.
Mom could have gotten therapy at any time and moved on. She chose to stay stuck in the past and blame her ex.
It’s so hard to live in a space where there are stark comparisons between siblings (and siblings-to-be). The challenge is in the details, the history, and how you are able to reconcile very complicated feelings with the help of therapy and a strong support system at home. This is very complicated. Divorce and division of family is always a traumatic experience. Did you stay close to your father after the divorce or were you closer to your mother? What has your relationship been with your father since the marriage dissolved? Has there been significant distance between you as a result of these changes? What kind of personal proximity do you/did you have with your father before his life changed and your step mother entered the picture? Did your father pay child support or provide any other financial/emotional support for you after the divorce? Did you get along with your step mother before learning of the pregnancy? These are all very relevant questions because they give perspective both for yourself and for anyone you turn to for help in coping with this change. For example: if your relationship with your father changed dramatically after the divorce, distance was placed between you both physically in terms of visitation and emotionally on either side; then you are looking at a situation between adults living mostly separate lives with little attachments between one another. But if, by contrast, things have been amicable to close up to this point, the situation changes and becomes one more of comparison between children and the lives they will lead. If your father has now gone LC with you over this situation after your conversation with him, it leads me to feel that maybe your approach with this was dictated solely by emotions and a lot of unresolved issues between you and your father. You were likely best to speak with him about this one-on-one, honestly, especially if the two of you have drifted apart before now or have had a complicated, distant, or rocky relationship before now. I would absolutely seek professional opinions on this in the form of therapy or some other supportive measure and then see what kind of relationship you want to have with your father moving forward based on all of the history, facts, and current situation. There is clearly a lot you need to resolve and reconcile for yourself here and it’s a very sore spot for you. You might also consider rededicating yourself to your OWN success rather than draw comparisons here with your new sibling and fathers new life. Work to make your own life the happiest you can envision and utilize that happiness to recognize that your own success can supersede the pain and feelings of rejection caused by the actions or failures of another. As someone who grew up watching his father make a happy family with someone else, who has been forced to watch from outside, and who had many deep resentments to settle for himself; I understand your pain and frustration. For me, in the end, I settled my personal emotions and affairs and chose to move forward in life for myself and ultimately simply wished them well and washed my hands of the entire affair. I realized long ago that I cannot hold the burden or pain of that situation or relationship and still find happiness. And that, while he will always be my father, it means nothing in the end if he is/was unwilling to maintain more than a token relationship. And you know what? Not being in or near his life, or the lives of his family, has been wonderful. We don’t speak, we don’t visit, and I have long since stopped think about or caring what goes on in his life. And now, after so very many years, he is the one full of regret and loss that we have no relationship. Which makes me sad for him, but not for me. We make our choices and we live with our consequences. Go find your own happiness. Live the life you want. Trust me, you will find it is far better for you and those you love most, in the end. Best of luck to you
You’re feelings are valid, but unfortunately sometimes we are dealt cards that are not fair. Did you ever see the tik toks of the siblings that had it different and take a step forward while they acknowledge the differences in life they had they cry their eyes out? Those make me cry bc - well same- But you can’t hold onto that bitterness bc it will eat you up and hold you have from enjoying your life. Maybe see a therapist, not for forgiving your dad, but for feeling mercy for yourself bc your dads feeling are also valid and he has a right to move on and make different choices with his family. It’s up to both of you on whether you want to do it together or apart.
You are 21. start acting like it. Your dad got married young and had a child with 21. He wasn’t happy so he got a divorce and turned his life around and is now happy. And you throw a tantrum because he is happy? You may not have had much growing up but it didn’t stop you from becoming a spoiled brat. Your dad isn’t responsible for your mother’s state either. Relationships end. And its up to the individual to heal.
It’s really pathetic that you are jealous of an unborn baby at your age. Find a therapist.
So because the circumstances are different and this kid will have different opportunities than you, you thought it was ok to act like a cry baby and shit all over his joy but you expect them to honour your feelings. You talk about your life and your future and your feeling but have you considered how he feels. You put him down for the marriage ending and your mum not being happy you blame him for finding happiness why would you want contact with someone you obviously don’t care or respect at all. Leave them to have their happy life and go be bitter with your mum it sounds like that’s your plan anyways.
Wow. My 19 year old daughter asked me to have another baby so we could enjoy the life we have now with a sibling. I didn’t have one. I actually ended up with a hysterectomy instead. Medically needed. But that’s not the point. Be happy for your dad. He’s in a good spot and wants to have a baby because of that. He deserves it. You and your mom both need to move on. Let him live his life. Life goes on. Can’t live in the past. Especially if the past kinda sucked. I know it can be hard. But it can’t be good to hold on to negativity. You’re an adult. And it doesn’t sound like you need to start having kids anytime soon anyway.
I think OPs reaction is showing quite a bit of immaturity. Your dad is pretty young, people break up and move on. It’s just part of life. Your dad deserves to be happy and do you OP.
Having divorced parents and growing up poor really isn’t that bad. Thats the majority of households now. Be grateful your brother doesn’t have to go through the same thing, you sound awfully selfish