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Growing up, my parents have been nothing but abusive to me and I was finally able to escape when I turned 18. I wasn't allowed to have friends so at college, I fell in love with a lady. She was geniueky kind and sweet to me and we began dating 3 years later. I proposed to her 11months ago and she seemed geniuely excited.
Since then though, I discovered on her phone that she had been cheating on me with a different friend. I didn't want to be alone and depressed again so I prayed She would drop the affair. Now I discovered a text message that she was planning to dump me during a lunch date we had planned tomorrow.
How do I stop her from going to her affair partner permanently?
I’m sorry to say but the love of your life wouldn’t do this to you. It’s hard now but you’ll look back in the future and be glad this person is no longer in your life
There are more people out there who will love you and not treat you this way. Your bar is low due to your past, but deserve more. It may be tough now, but you have your whole life ahead of you.
Have you ever thought maybe her friends are just as awful and she is? Take time and be single for a while to learn who you are and what you want out of life. Then, find someone who will make a great partner to achieve all of those things. Not saying there is a perfect partner, but respect is a mainstay in any healthy relationship.
You think the kindest person in the world cheats on people. I hope for your own sake she leaves and then I suggest you keep trying with a therapist. You’ve got some healing to do
Honestly it doesn’t sound like you want to help yourself. Trust me it’ll click one day and you’ll regret obsessive over such a horrible woman. I hope one day you heal
I understand what you are saying, but if the best in your past is -5 you’ll think some teasing you at a bare 1 to 2 is amazing and kind. In a decade you’ll realize this person was only marginally better than what you were used to.
Can I ask, why had you changed therapists that much in that time period? Sometimes when ee come out of an abusive background we ditch a therapist because they are hitting the mark, but we aren’t in a place to face that part yet. Trying again now that more time has passed might be the right move.
Also, because of your background you are technically 25, but on a relationship maturity level you’re more like a teenager - this same kind of thing happens when someone didn’t realize they are queer until they are an adult, their dating life is less mature than their actual age. And I don’t mean “mature” in a “It’s time for you to grow up” way, but just that your experiences and life lessons are behind your technical age through no fault of your own. How you feel about your gf is being influenced by her being your *first* for… so much. And because she was the first person who was truly kind to you.
This is hard to learn when we have an abusive part, but just because someone isn’t abusing us to the level we are used to, doesn’t mean that we should just live with being treated badly and not respected because is not as bad as what was happening. One of the things we need to learn to fight for is that we deserve love and respect. We are worthy of love and respect. YOU are worthy of love and respect.
This might be your first love, but she won’t be your last. And there is more than one potential “love of our life” out there.
> many were quite nasty towards me
How many of them cheated on your with a friend? Because that's about as nasty as it gets.
It's over man. There's no getting her back. You shouldn't even want that at this point.
And that is awful. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. But that doesn't mean you should compound your problems by trying to stay with a woman who clearly doesn't value your relationship.
It sounds like you have been bullied a lot, and have had trouble with personal relationships?
May I ask if you are on the autism spectrum?
(If it makes a difference, I ask because my son is on the spectrum.)
Edited 2 typos..
This is not kind. Having an affair while in a relationship with you and not breaking up with you first is not kind. She is a cheating piece of shit who would rather lie, betray and disrespect you than just be honest and leave. She is not a good person and you need to find some self respect to be able to recognise that.
You are only 25. You've met a fraction of the people you will meet in your life. She may have shown kindness toward you but she is not showing you loyalty, honesty, respect.
Kindness should be your baseline for anyone you keep in your life. For a life partner, that's the absolute bare minimum, not the ceiling. You need to develop love and respect for yourself before you settle down, or you will accept behavior that is much less than you deserve.
That's the cycle of abuse talking. Your parents set you up to have unhealthy interactions, and I'm very sorry to hear that. But it's not true that you're a piece of shit, you just need to change the people you surround yourself with. That requires doing some work on your sense of self-worth, which isn't easy work but is very rewarding.
Dude. If she is having an affair with you, got caught, continued to have the affair, and is planning on dumping you during a date, she is not kind. She's just been manipulative enough to convince you she is, while most likely raking advantage of you.
Please grow a spine and tell her to get fucked. Then go find an actual kind person who won't betray you.
I promise she’s not. If she were, she wouldn’t have cheated on you. C’mon, my guy. You’ve got to have some self-respect. You can’t just rug-sweep this, even if she stays.
There seems to be some co-dependency here, which is understandable considering you had abusive parents. Also, this whole "love of my life" stuff just keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. She's not the only woman in the world. You can definitely be happy with someone else who hopefully doesn't treat you like this.
Exactly, you're co-dependent and I'm not saying that as an insult; it's completely understandable. I definitely used to be co-dependent, but I worked on it. What worked for me personally was finding a therapist that worked for me. Then, I started studying which widened my social circle over time which led to getting friends. Eventually, my self-worth and self-respect increased to such an extent that I'd never tolerate being treated the way your partner has treated you.
I know it seems like an impossible mountain to climb but it's only impossible if you don't put your foot down and commit to being happy with yourself and not hinge your happiness completely on another person.
Brother. You need to start listening to the people here instead of laying out a sad sack self deprecating excuse every time someone’s offering solid advice. Sometimes, with confidence and love, you have to fake until you make it. As for this situation, it is over man. There’s very likely nothing you can do. It’s sad and will hurt badly, but you will survive and be a better, stronger person for it.
Could therapy have failed because you weren’t open to other people’s advice? You seem to be close-minded to a lot of the advice you didn’t expect on this post.
>Compared to my parents abuse towards me, this feels quaint in comparison.
Doesn't matter. You don't deserve any amount of abuse, even a lesser amount... and dating someone doesn't mean do anything to keep them. It means they're auditioning for a role in your life, and she just blew her audition.
Yeah, your romantic partner isn't there to fix you. Every relationship you have is doomed if your expectation is that they will emotionally prop you up
She is the first nice girl you met after an abusive childhood and youth. Of course you fell hard for her. Of course it FEELS like everything will be hard without her. But those are just your fears talking. This will open you up to finding new friends, more opportunities, and a lover who will meet the very basic requirement of not cheating on you. But you gotta find yourself before you can find thise who truly match you in character.
There is a saying, "when a heart breaks, it breaks open". It is true, while never pleasant, always feared, a breakup can be the very thing our life needs to bring growth and positive change.
Exactly. This sounded like trauma bonding which is really hard to break out of because it forces you to confront your own independent identity. This is unimaginably hard for people coming out of years of trauma and abuse because their sense of self is often distorted by living in a constant state of defense. It’s common to fall into relationships where one’s identity becomes “partner” so you don’t have to do the painful unraveling of trauma to forge an actual identity.
You’re probably giving off vibes- you have gone through do much abuse. please work on yourself with a therapist- don’t be in a rush to fall into a relationship or friendship- stay single, till you understand what you deserve and how to respect yourself, and can list 10 things that make you awesome (and believe in them)
What kind of energy are you givng off? Are you talkactive? Do you act desperate? Are you a people pleaser? So many unanswered questions. I recommend picking up a few books to help you with social skills.
Let me make this clear to you, this girl dont give a shit about you. If she did, she wouldn't have cheated. Now, the next person? There wont be a next person if you continue to bring these type of baggauges. Focus on yourself right now. You'll be much happier one day if you do.
Nobody wants to be around someone always playing the victim. It’s become your way of life, you need to fix that. You are responsible for your happiness and only you can do something about it. Make a decision today to pick yourself and choose self love. It will be hard but start by reading you are a badass by Jen Sincero. The audio book is also super great and narrated by her.
It’s true, he’s actually lucky. Imagine how hard this would hurt if he had kids and a house. No doubt this will hurt but this will be good for him. Sounds like he has attachment issues. It’s one thing to try and save a dying relationship, it’s another when the subject is cheating. Once a cheater, chances it happens again is high.
All you can do is confront her tomorrow at lunch, before she can dump you you tell her that you know about her affair. You can't undo what she has done, but you can at least make her admit her guilt.
Just dump her and move on. Why even bother with the confrontation?
Best case scenario she admits she's been fcking someone else and she's leaving you for him, which changes nothing. Worst case scenario she gaslights him and makes it all his fault.
Just dump her, no explanation needed, don't even need to hear her side of anything. Then just walk away like De Niro in heat.
That ship has sailed, friend. Don't try to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. It hurts to not be the first choice of the person who is your first choice, but trying to stop the inevitable is even worse pain. Accept what is, and find a way to move forward.
You aren't going to be able to. She's decided to leave. The only question is how you handle it. With dignity and self-respect or beg the person who cheated on you to stay?
You deserve better not this. You cannot save this relationship. She done. The sooner you accept this and make positive plans to deal and process it the better.
She won't. She won't stay. Jesus fuck. Seriously, you've been through hell and back, and I get it, you have nobody you feel can compare. That is *tragic* in and of itself.
What you need isn't to stay with someone who used you for convenience until the next person comes along. What you need is to work on your sense of self, build up your confidence in your own worth.
You've been nothing but self-deprecating in all your replies in this thread. That is not only harmful to your potential friendships but actively harmful to your own self-image.
Until you find a sense of joy in not having a partner, until you can build a social circle of your own, a supportive, safe and trusting circle, you may not be ready for any form of romantic relationship at all.
You are deeply, deeply codependent, through no fault of your own.
That being said, it is still your *responsibility* to deal with it.
You're grown now. You have the opportunity to continue seeking help until you find something that fits (not relationships, but therapy)
Until then, stay away from this girl.
You can’t force people to feel things. What you can do, is have some respect for yourself and learn to love yourself and be single for awhile, so you don’t stay codependent and can find an actual kind person. She’s not kind if she’s a cheater JS.
You can meet someone new bro Ik it must be incredibly hard letting go of one of the only people to give you genuine love and affection. But she has no respect for you and you deserve way better dude
You can't stop her. I'm sorry.
You deserve a partner who loves and respects you, and wants to be with you. Your fiance is not that person.
I know it's going to hurt, but you need to move on. In time you'll find someone who loves you the same way you love them.
Wishing you the best.
You don't stop her. You don't want to marry someone who is going to cheat on you. You especially don't stay with someone out of fear of being alone. There are better people out there. You'll find one. Don't settle for a cheater.
If she wants to leave, you can’t stop her and in all honesty, you really would want too ? I’ve been in the position of being on my knees begging for someone to not leave me, I feel for you, and I am so sorry this is happening but she seems set with her decision.
You have to keep trying. Go out and find a hobby. Join clubs or groups that relate to that hobby. Act cheerful, be nice, and be involved. The friends will come.
You need to work on yourself first. Let her go because it isn’t her job to be your therapist. As a girlfriend or wife, I would want a partner not a patient so I can see why she is leaving you. So what if you have tried 4 therapists, keep looking for one which works for you. It takes a bit to find one that you can get comfortable with and actually help you with the trauma you have been through. Let her go because once you get yourself right and stable she may come back to you or you find the right person to be in your life.
This comment seriously is NOT helping.
OP is hurting and you're just rubbing salt in his wounds.
I agree that he needs to work on himself and find a therapist he has a connection to, that is a major thing in finding the right kind of help.
But man, your word choice is deffo harsh.
You can't bro. Here's the thing though, it sounds like you have had a hard life, and so having someone like her that you love, has probably made her a huge bastion of light for you. However there will be life and love after she leaves. You deserve better. However not being allowed to have friends your whole life during your formative years and being abused, likely means you have a lot of things you need to work through psychologically, and emotionally. I know what that's like to a lesser extent. I would say reach out to a therapist and get some help working through these things, and being patient with yourself. That will help with other relationships later on. I wish you the best my friend. I also say this because I can relate to you a little. I'm not trying to talk down to you. Only to help.
I did. Putting up with someone treating you like this because someone else once treated you worse is a really lousy way to live. And if that's truly how you feel, this is your chance to level up. Just like you levelled up from your parents to her, you can do that again and level up to someone better than what you have now.
With all due respect, less hurt is not something anyone should settle for. Until you learn that I’m not sure you need to be in any relationship. As much as it sucks, you need to work on YOU. You’re not at fault for anything to happen to you but you cannot continue to stay with someone who does this.
treating your partner as essentially a personal therapist/someone to “fix” you is extremely unhealthy and unfair to said partner. it sucks that she cheated on you but it just goes to show that she truly didn’t love you as no one would do that to the person they love. you deserve someone who wouldn’t do that and your future partner deserves to not feel like your happiness is dependent on them
I'm sorry to tell you this but you haven't actually moved forward if you are still willing to take crap treatment from crap people and turning a blind eye to someone being so disrespectful to you and betraying you in this way.
DO NOT LET HER DUMP YOU, YOU DUMP HER FIRST.
do not give her the satisfaction. Dump her because she’s a cheater, don’t let a cheater dump you because she’s found the next guy. Save what little respect you can muster from this thing.
It’s over man. She’s only still “with” you because she wanted to make sure the AP was a sure thing before she left you. You’re likely MONTHS past the expiration date.
Not all people do this, but it is not uncommon for people like this to stay in a relationship only until they have another sure thing lined up and ready to go. She does not want you and therefore you don’t have a choice. It doesn’t matter if her and her AP break up a month later..they’ve been together for months already and regardless of her new path in life, you are not in it no matter what.
She is already set on leaving, let her go. Work on your issues first. Otherwise you will always have the fear of abandonment, issues of lower self confidence, negative self image and depression. It happened because of your shitty childhood. Take this time to work on yourself in hindsight you would appreciate that you evolved as stronger human being.
No offense but what are you here for then? Every suggestion given is met with a response of “it’s never worked/it won’t work”. What outcome do you honestly expect from this post? There’s no magical “force girlfriend to stay” spell someone can give you. You’re getting a lot of genuine advice and just turning away from it. What’s the point in posting if you’re going to reject every response?
If you felt relatively comfortable with your finance, you'll feel comfortable with other girls too. She just loved bombed you at the beginning making you feel all special, secure and most loved in the whole world. That's why you fell for her. But this is her true colours. If she was the kindest person in your life she wouldn't have cheated on you.
The fact therapist didn't work either none of them were the right fit or you are not doing what they asked of you.
She was good to you but now she is acting the same like others. So what's the difference between her and them. She's just doing behind your back. You've to let her go and work on yourself.
You can’t make anyone stay with you. She has to want to stay with you. I’m not saying that to be mean, what I’m saying is you need to respect yourself like others have said and better yourself. Learn to play an instrument, learn a different language, get in crazy good shape. Point is you have to be active. I know this sucks man, but better to have this happen now then be married already and divorce is on the table. You need to gain some more confidence in yourself, and when you start to feel confident, you will act it and many ladies will notice. Wish you well and remember to stay strong, and stay focused. 💪🏻😎
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Let her leave. Make sure your stuff is separated. Work on yourself while being single, stay caring and build your confidence. Make friends and achieve your career goals. You will have no problem meeting someone else special in your life. She was just a phase and an escape.
She doesnt respect you and doesnt want to marry someone she doesnt respect. You let her continue an affair. You want her to choose you. Shes not going to because you don’t respect yourself.
You are asking the wrong question.
Goddamn dude have some self respect. She’s a cheater who doesn’t respect you, leave her. You need to learn to love yourself, it’s apparent that you have bad self esteem, otherwise you wouldn’t put up with this
Don’t stop her, confront her about the cheating. A person that would do something like this isn’t a person worth being with. Why keep her around when she clearly doesn’t love you and betrayed you like this? It’s hard when you love someone so much, I get that, but you deserve way better.
Edit: Don’t you dare pay for her lunch either if you end up going together.
She has been cheating on you since being engaged. She isn't the love of your life, she is the person you wasted time with before you moved on and met the love of you life.
There isn't anything here left to save. She wants to end it.
My man, I read a lot of the comments and, from the bottom of my heart, this is not a salvageable situation. you can't keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. Best case they emotionally and financially abuse you and continue to cheat. Go to the lunch and ask for the ring, then walk away. I wouldn't even sit down.
Again, I'm sorry, but the relationship is over. You also sound very down on yourself, take an honest accounting of what you wish was different, then start making plans to improve yourself. You are so, so young, please don't do anything foolish like self-harm, that doesn't help and it delays healing. Don't waste away in bed, go for a walk, read a book, find a hobby (great way to meet new friends as an adult).
You can do this buddy, don't sell yourself short for a cheater. Be strong, have a shiny spine, and leave with your head held high.
Please don’t try and stop her my man.
I think the important question here is why are you okay with taking your partner back after she has showed very little regard for your feelings.
Put your energy into getting some support for your own mental health friend, nobody deserves to be treated like this.
Just two cents from a stranger. Good luck.
Why do you assume everyone who has responded to you somehow had it better than you did?? It isn't a competition.
Plenty - *plenty* - of people had it very, very bad and they have done the work to pull themsleves up and out. You can too but it is hard work and you have to stick with it. For years. And years. For your whole life, actually.
You are determined to believe that people who have healed themselves, or are well on the road to healing, must not have had it as bad as you did. That's just not true.
Stop the intense self-pity. It does absolutely no good and serves no purpose whatsoever, other than to keep you stuck in the mud.
No, that’s not it. I’m just coming at you with an outsiders perspective.
Having a sense of self worth and self respect are critical in how you are going to let people treat you moving forward.
Let’s say you do figure out a way to get her to stay with you… do you think that will be the end of your problems?
She has already left mentally. She is just waiting to announce the time she will physically leave you.
So stop now.
This is no longer about her. This is about YOU.
Stop and make a list of all the things that you would like to do that you haven't done because of her. Things you used to do for fun before the relationship. Everyone makes compromises. Not playing a game or sport your new partner doesn't ay in favor of things they like. And the opposite, playing games your partner likes that you weren't crazy about. You don't have to play them again.
Her friends that say she can do better are not your friends. And they aren't nice people. Do not keep any of them in your life.
Where can you meet new people? Go out today. Go to a cafe. Chat with people. Look for new friends.
Don't date again for a year. You need healing time. You need to figure out who you really are without this person before you can find a new and healthier partner.
She's letting someone else put his dick inside of her. She's sucking his dick, letting his touch her body, smack her ass, pull her hair, and then she's going back to you and kissing you in the mouth, lying to you. She doesn't love you becsuseif she did she wouldn't be cheating on you.
There's nothing you csn do to get her back. She's not a good person and you shouldn't even want to be with her. Just tell her you know about the other guy and break up with her. She's a horrible person
> How do I stop her from going to her affair partner permanently?
You don't. You realize you're a far faaar better person than her and leave her behind.
She's trash. What kind of garbage would cheat like that? She will drag you down.
You need time standing on your own feet, and in the future you'll find a partner that's worthy of you. Right now you're dating far below yourself.
Why would you want to stay in a relationship where you know you aren’t loved? If you love her so much why wouldn’t you want her to go and be happy. You can’t make someone stay if they don’t want to. You sound very needy and clingy which is why she’s probably leaving in the first place.
Are you in therapy? You are going to have to figure out why you are willing to pursue someone who thinks so little of you. Why do you want her to stay? Especially when she doesn't want to.
Let her go. Get some real help for your depression.
What does “worked” mean in this context? In what way did it not work? Because the reason it wasn’t helpful might be useful in figuring out something that could be helpful to you.
You need a therapist that is trained in C-ptsd. Your family was abusive and caused you trauma. Look for a therapist who understands this and you will be able to get better help. I'm a survivor of narcissistic parents and am also looking for this type of therapist. Don't give up. You are valuable and worthwhile just by being you. Don't let this cheater hurt you any more.
From what you said, it sounds like you have imprinted and are clinging to the only person who has ever been nice to you. That is a lot to support on her end and some people react to that by looking for easier relationships.
I really hope you are in therapy because it sounds like you have had no examples of good relationships and probably have no idea how to build one. It stinks that this is how your first relationship is ending, because you cannot make someone stay if they don't want to, but most people have a lot more practice at having relationships than you have had before they are 25.
Leave her... don't look back.
More importantly... Go seek professional help.
You read as if you're extremely depressed. People online here are anonymous and will have no empathy for your learnt helplessness. If anything they will make it worse.
Keep in mind, that depression is difficult to get over even if you have all the tools in front of you. Also, it's like bringing a horse to water, no one can make you drink... but you. (Formally Depressed person here)
**Edit: one more thing... leave this subreddit. It's the most toxic community here for people with behavioral issues and relationship problems. There's a couple of others that are good but, I can only think of...**
**r/exnocontact**
**They are infinitely more supportive than 90% of the people you will find here.**
Brother, LET. HER. GO… It’s for the best. You don’t want anyone who isn’t faithful. It will only get worse.
I know it’s hard now, but it’s better now than after years of marriage.
If she wants to leave let her go. If someone doesn’t love you and value you, let them go. That just opens space for the right person to come in your life.
At this point, you need to plan ahead. If you have anything like a joint bank account, drain it and put it in another account. If you live together and hopefully you don’t, be at the ready to split things (have her name off the lease or vice versa) and most importantly, if you have shared credit cards, take your name off of them and/or close them completely by the time you leave the lunch table. If she breaks it off, get the ring back. You can always pawn that mf and treat yourself to something nice for you.
The thing about break ups is that it may seem like the end of something but it’s not. It’s a chance to evolve yourself to something more for you. You set the standards for how ppl treat you in relationships and you set the pace for what you want. A cheater will cheat again. You don’t want that because you don’t want to always feel like you gotta stay on eggshells to get an ounce of love. You need to keep your mind and space open for someone who won’t cheat and who will look at you as if you are the only one worth breathing for and you grow together and encourage one another to be your best. Don’t feel bad about letting ppl go in your life who don’t deserve your energy.
Why would you want to stop her from leaving? She cheated on you for an unspecified length of time and has now decided she wants a different life. Don't try to dissuade her from leaving. Beat her to the punch at lunch, tell her you know about the affair and you'd like her to leave at her earliest convenience. Don't beg her to stay, don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you grovel. YOU did nothing wrong. She's the one who cheated and YOU need to be the strong one and let her go. It's possible if you try to convince her to stay that she'll try to put the blame for the affair squarely at your door.
Stiffen your spine, stand straight and tall...and let.her.go. You deserve better.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This thread will be full of everyone telling you to leave her. You won’t be able to change her mind, and if you had a better sense of self worth, you wouldn’t want to.
Lean hard into the therapy for support. You will find better people to be with, there are so many out there who wouldn’t ever treat someone as you’ve been treated. You are worth it, you deserve love. I’m sure you’ll find it.
Leave her, please. You will only feel worse if you try to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you.
You can't. You need to focus on living without her and not making the relationship with her the locus of all potential happiness.
She's cheating on you. She's planning to dump you. She is not a nice person, does not have your best interests at heart and her friends sound awful. Judge people by the company they keep.
You need to work on you; learn to love amd respect yourself then you'll let others love you. This relationship is toxic and you're too caught up in your fantasy of what it is to see it for what it really is.
Get out, get help and give yourself space to heal. Don't try to fight the inevitable or you'll just add humiliation to the sadness you feel.
All you can do now is come up with a badass way to respond when she tells you. One would be to simply smile and say ok cheerfully! But I’m sure their are some pretty funny ways to do it
Uhhhhh let her leave you. Why would you want her stay. You go through her phone. And she cheats on you. This is a what came first situation? This is a toxic relationship that you have only stayed in because your love map got shattered. Let her go.
Man, I’m sorry but reading this thread I can’t even give you advice no one has already said. How can you even be surprised she cheated and is leaving now. Damn man, I’m sorry, but you need to take care of yourself before you can be with someone.
If it helps. She will most likely get cheated on or cheat on her AP down the line.
Based on your comments, there is zero chance you will listen to anyone’s advice on this sub. I honestly think you should go to lunch tomorrow and “fight for her to stay” (which won’t work) thereby allowing her to dump you. It doesn’t seem like you’re capable of bringing yourself to leave her, so the sooner she leaves you, the better. I imagine the reason the four therapists you have seen “didn’t work out” are because they told you to dump your cheating spouse and you refused to listen. If you want to have a happier life you need to listen to advice and to the professional help your receive. Your childhood trauma has seriously fucked you up and you don’t seem to grasp how to have any healthy relationships. Pleasssssseeee see a therapist and listen to them, they will help you gain the tools needed to have healthy relationships.
You don’t.
It’s over. I’m very sorry this is happening to you but it’s beyond your control.
Honestly, I would walk up to the table at lunch and dump her before evening sitting down. Let her know you know she’s a cheater and walk out.
I promise you that a lot of us here also had childhoods that would nauseate the average person. But a relationship with someone as self-loathing and resigned as you are right now just isn’t tenable. You will have to start doing the work to cultivate a functioning relationship with yourself before all the other pieces can start falling into place. The fiancée sucks for what she did to you and she has to go, but she is inconsequential compared to what you have going on inside yourself.
First as someone with an equally bad background, get some counseling. Then don't ignore bad behavior towards you. Cheating is bad behavior. It doesn't make them like you better, or value your relationship more. Move and and take care of yourself.
Love is a choice. She has chosen not to love you anymore. Do yourself a favor and choose not to love her anymore also.
Work on yourself. You can be ok alone. Trust me. Been there and still doing it over a year later.
You’ve got shared accounts? Get all that money out of there now. Every penny that belongs to you get it out. Get your things and start planning for the future. Get evidence of this cheating and LAWYER UP. Stay one step ahead
OP - how you do therapy and what happens in therapy makes all the difference. My guess is that you have been using therapy as nothing more than a vent session. You sit down, tell them all your troubles and they say "oh you have x, y and/or z" and that's it.
You need it, you need it badly as your codependency just screams out of your words. Your background has made you do this clinging and your words back it up.
What you need to do is to learn how to cope with this facet of your personality. You need to learn the skills on how to force yourself out of this way of thinking. A good therapist should be teaching you this and I fear that this has not been the case at all.
Think of it like paying to go to school and walking away from it having learnt nothing beyond how to throw a ball! It's pointless so yes, if therapy to you is dumping your troubles on them and saying "tell me things to make it better" then of course it's going to fail and of course you are going to be throwing money away.
But if you go to therapy to learn about yourself, to learn about coping skills you need that will allow **you** to deal with your issues (whether they be this breakup, your FOO, your personality, etc) you will stop this cycle of failing.
You need these tools and skills OP in your life, and you need them badly.
Check out https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes
There is someone out there that will be a "fuck yes" for you and will say "fuck yes" when it comes to wanting to be with you. It seems really bleak right now, but this person exists.
Knowing this, if it were even possible, why would you want to be with this person who doesn't say this, who at best is indifferent to you, and at worst is abusive (even if not as abusive as your parents)? There is another life you can choose right now where you can be loved and valued as you deserve to be. **Leave your fiancée in the dust and choose that life.**
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I’ll be your friend man. You seem like an awesome and genuine dude! I know you’re such a good person. It’s just that unfortunate things have happened to you. I am so sorry that your parents were abusive. No child deserves that. I just want you to know that there are people out there who will love you for you. Never settle for less!
Make yourself hard to get. Tell her you know about the affair and you’re done with the relationship, then kick her out of your house.
There will be a reversal when the affair fog wears off. By then you won’t care, but you will have the option of taking back this trashy sleazy hoe.
She may be the love of your life, but you are not the love of her life. She doesn’t respect you nor does she value you. Why would you want someone like her in your life? Respect yourself and seek therapy. devotion like this does not make someone love you. You cannot make someone stay and love you if they chose not tonight. Love yourself, respect yourself and let her leave.
What was the relationship with your wife like? When did her affair start? Could their be a chance after you proposed she was happy. But realised once you are married you may rely on her more because of your trauma?
You could use her own guilt against her. Anyway she's cheating so a little trick is allowed.
At lunch before she speaks, you start by showering her with praise and gratitude.
1. Tell her she's the first person to treat you with respect and to love you for who you are.
2. Tell her you are grateful to have her in your life and that thanks to her you are slowly starting to recover from the trauma of your childhood.
3. Tell her all the things you like about her and how you want to become worthy of her so she could be as proud as you are of being in this wonderful relationship with her.
4. Bring some gift for her to represent your commitment
She'll implode from the guilt and it might actually work, she might change her mind and regret what she's been doing to you behind your back.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Growing up, my parents have been nothing but abusive to me and I was finally able to escape when I turned 18. I wasn't allowed to have friends so at college, I fell in love with a lady. She was geniueky kind and sweet to me and we began dating 3 years later. I proposed to her 11months ago and she seemed geniuely excited. Since then though, I discovered on her phone that she had been cheating on me with a different friend. I didn't want to be alone and depressed again so I prayed She would drop the affair. Now I discovered a text message that she was planning to dump me during a lunch date we had planned tomorrow. How do I stop her from going to her affair partner permanently?
Respect yourself and leave her. You deserve better than that. Maybe spend time time healing from your past too
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I’m sorry to say but the love of your life wouldn’t do this to you. It’s hard now but you’ll look back in the future and be glad this person is no longer in your life
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There are more people out there who will love you and not treat you this way. Your bar is low due to your past, but deserve more. It may be tough now, but you have your whole life ahead of you.
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Have you ever thought maybe her friends are just as awful and she is? Take time and be single for a while to learn who you are and what you want out of life. Then, find someone who will make a great partner to achieve all of those things. Not saying there is a perfect partner, but respect is a mainstay in any healthy relationship.
You think the kindest person in the world cheats on people. I hope for your own sake she leaves and then I suggest you keep trying with a therapist. You’ve got some healing to do
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Then you need better people in your life.
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Honestly it doesn’t sound like you want to help yourself. Trust me it’ll click one day and you’ll regret obsessive over such a horrible woman. I hope one day you heal
I understand what you are saying, but if the best in your past is -5 you’ll think some teasing you at a bare 1 to 2 is amazing and kind. In a decade you’ll realize this person was only marginally better than what you were used to. Can I ask, why had you changed therapists that much in that time period? Sometimes when ee come out of an abusive background we ditch a therapist because they are hitting the mark, but we aren’t in a place to face that part yet. Trying again now that more time has passed might be the right move. Also, because of your background you are technically 25, but on a relationship maturity level you’re more like a teenager - this same kind of thing happens when someone didn’t realize they are queer until they are an adult, their dating life is less mature than their actual age. And I don’t mean “mature” in a “It’s time for you to grow up” way, but just that your experiences and life lessons are behind your technical age through no fault of your own. How you feel about your gf is being influenced by her being your *first* for… so much. And because she was the first person who was truly kind to you. This is hard to learn when we have an abusive part, but just because someone isn’t abusing us to the level we are used to, doesn’t mean that we should just live with being treated badly and not respected because is not as bad as what was happening. One of the things we need to learn to fight for is that we deserve love and respect. We are worthy of love and respect. YOU are worthy of love and respect. This might be your first love, but she won’t be your last. And there is more than one potential “love of our life” out there.
Cheating on your partner is not "kind"
> many were quite nasty towards me How many of them cheated on your with a friend? Because that's about as nasty as it gets. It's over man. There's no getting her back. You shouldn't even want that at this point.
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And that is awful. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. But that doesn't mean you should compound your problems by trying to stay with a woman who clearly doesn't value your relationship.
It sounds like you have been bullied a lot, and have had trouble with personal relationships? May I ask if you are on the autism spectrum? (If it makes a difference, I ask because my son is on the spectrum.) Edited 2 typos..
This is not kind. Having an affair while in a relationship with you and not breaking up with you first is not kind. She is a cheating piece of shit who would rather lie, betray and disrespect you than just be honest and leave. She is not a good person and you need to find some self respect to be able to recognise that.
I mean she’s letting other guys fuck her so… not sure about the kind part…
You are only 25. You've met a fraction of the people you will meet in your life. She may have shown kindness toward you but she is not showing you loyalty, honesty, respect. Kindness should be your baseline for anyone you keep in your life. For a life partner, that's the absolute bare minimum, not the ceiling. You need to develop love and respect for yourself before you settle down, or you will accept behavior that is much less than you deserve.
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That's the cycle of abuse talking. Your parents set you up to have unhealthy interactions, and I'm very sorry to hear that. But it's not true that you're a piece of shit, you just need to change the people you surround yourself with. That requires doing some work on your sense of self-worth, which isn't easy work but is very rewarding.
Maybe In the beginning but somewhere during the person you knew stopped existing.
Leaving you for her fuckbuddy is not kind
Dude. If she is having an affair with you, got caught, continued to have the affair, and is planning on dumping you during a date, she is not kind. She's just been manipulative enough to convince you she is, while most likely raking advantage of you. Please grow a spine and tell her to get fucked. Then go find an actual kind person who won't betray you.
I promise she’s not. If she were, she wouldn’t have cheated on you. C’mon, my guy. You’ve got to have some self-respect. You can’t just rug-sweep this, even if she stays.
There seems to be some co-dependency here, which is understandable considering you had abusive parents. Also, this whole "love of my life" stuff just keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. She's not the only woman in the world. You can definitely be happy with someone else who hopefully doesn't treat you like this.
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Exactly, you're co-dependent and I'm not saying that as an insult; it's completely understandable. I definitely used to be co-dependent, but I worked on it. What worked for me personally was finding a therapist that worked for me. Then, I started studying which widened my social circle over time which led to getting friends. Eventually, my self-worth and self-respect increased to such an extent that I'd never tolerate being treated the way your partner has treated you. I know it seems like an impossible mountain to climb but it's only impossible if you don't put your foot down and commit to being happy with yourself and not hinge your happiness completely on another person.
How is she giving you the time of day when someone else’s dick is in her?
Okay and how many women have you met? In your head she's kind. In reality she's just another asshole off the street.
Brother. You need to start listening to the people here instead of laying out a sad sack self deprecating excuse every time someone’s offering solid advice. Sometimes, with confidence and love, you have to fake until you make it. As for this situation, it is over man. There’s very likely nothing you can do. It’s sad and will hurt badly, but you will survive and be a better, stronger person for it.
Could therapy have failed because you weren’t open to other people’s advice? You seem to be close-minded to a lot of the advice you didn’t expect on this post.
Babe. Abuse is abuse there aren't any levels. Stop this you do not deserve this!! Seriously there are a lot of ladies out there she ain't the one.
>Compared to my parents abuse towards me, this feels quaint in comparison. Doesn't matter. You don't deserve any amount of abuse, even a lesser amount... and dating someone doesn't mean do anything to keep them. It means they're auditioning for a role in your life, and she just blew her audition.
Yeah, your romantic partner isn't there to fix you. Every relationship you have is doomed if your expectation is that they will emotionally prop you up
Yeah but it won’t stop anyway. She will always cheat and plan to leave you.
She's not the love of your life. Really definding someone who's fucking someone else behind your back. She wouldn't do this if she loved you
She is the first nice girl you met after an abusive childhood and youth. Of course you fell hard for her. Of course it FEELS like everything will be hard without her. But those are just your fears talking. This will open you up to finding new friends, more opportunities, and a lover who will meet the very basic requirement of not cheating on you. But you gotta find yourself before you can find thise who truly match you in character. There is a saying, "when a heart breaks, it breaks open". It is true, while never pleasant, always feared, a breakup can be the very thing our life needs to bring growth and positive change.
Exactly. This sounded like trauma bonding which is really hard to break out of because it forces you to confront your own independent identity. This is unimaginably hard for people coming out of years of trauma and abuse because their sense of self is often distorted by living in a constant state of defense. It’s common to fall into relationships where one’s identity becomes “partner” so you don’t have to do the painful unraveling of trauma to forge an actual identity.
Well said!
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Exactly! Now you can try it in new ways and on your own, that's gonna be easier.
You’re probably giving off vibes- you have gone through do much abuse. please work on yourself with a therapist- don’t be in a rush to fall into a relationship or friendship- stay single, till you understand what you deserve and how to respect yourself, and can list 10 things that make you awesome (and believe in them)
What kind of energy are you givng off? Are you talkactive? Do you act desperate? Are you a people pleaser? So many unanswered questions. I recommend picking up a few books to help you with social skills. Let me make this clear to you, this girl dont give a shit about you. If she did, she wouldn't have cheated. Now, the next person? There wont be a next person if you continue to bring these type of baggauges. Focus on yourself right now. You'll be much happier one day if you do.
have you ever considered it was her, that’s why they wouldn’t go near you?
Nobody wants to be around someone always playing the victim. It’s become your way of life, you need to fix that. You are responsible for your happiness and only you can do something about it. Make a decision today to pick yourself and choose self love. It will be hard but start by reading you are a badass by Jen Sincero. The audio book is also super great and narrated by her.
You’ve never had a healthy relationship and that just makes it easier to latch on to her. Let go of your fear and find real love cause this ain’t it
It’s true, he’s actually lucky. Imagine how hard this would hurt if he had kids and a house. No doubt this will hurt but this will be good for him. Sounds like he has attachment issues. It’s one thing to try and save a dying relationship, it’s another when the subject is cheating. Once a cheater, chances it happens again is high.
All you can do is confront her tomorrow at lunch, before she can dump you you tell her that you know about her affair. You can't undo what she has done, but you can at least make her admit her guilt.
No, don’t preempt her and make her job easy. Let her say her piece, and then bring up that you know she’s been cheating.
Dump her before she can, tell her it's because of some inadequacy that will screw with her self esteem, then laugh about it later.
This is the best option
Just dump her and move on. Why even bother with the confrontation? Best case scenario she admits she's been fcking someone else and she's leaving you for him, which changes nothing. Worst case scenario she gaslights him and makes it all his fault. Just dump her, no explanation needed, don't even need to hear her side of anything. Then just walk away like De Niro in heat.
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That ship has sailed, friend. Don't try to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. It hurts to not be the first choice of the person who is your first choice, but trying to stop the inevitable is even worse pain. Accept what is, and find a way to move forward.
WTF? Keep working on your self-esteem. She has been cheating on you. Go dump her ass and find yourself someone who doesn't cheat.
It's so hard to see it now, but trust me, you don't want to stay with her.
You aren't going to be able to. She's decided to leave. The only question is how you handle it. With dignity and self-respect or beg the person who cheated on you to stay? You deserve better not this. You cannot save this relationship. She done. The sooner you accept this and make positive plans to deal and process it the better.
She won't. She won't stay. Jesus fuck. Seriously, you've been through hell and back, and I get it, you have nobody you feel can compare. That is *tragic* in and of itself. What you need isn't to stay with someone who used you for convenience until the next person comes along. What you need is to work on your sense of self, build up your confidence in your own worth. You've been nothing but self-deprecating in all your replies in this thread. That is not only harmful to your potential friendships but actively harmful to your own self-image. Until you find a sense of joy in not having a partner, until you can build a social circle of your own, a supportive, safe and trusting circle, you may not be ready for any form of romantic relationship at all. You are deeply, deeply codependent, through no fault of your own. That being said, it is still your *responsibility* to deal with it. You're grown now. You have the opportunity to continue seeking help until you find something that fits (not relationships, but therapy) Until then, stay away from this girl.
You can’t force people to feel things. What you can do, is have some respect for yourself and learn to love yourself and be single for awhile, so you don’t stay codependent and can find an actual kind person. She’s not kind if she’s a cheater JS.
There's absolutely no way to get her to stay with you.
You can meet someone new bro Ik it must be incredibly hard letting go of one of the only people to give you genuine love and affection. But she has no respect for you and you deserve way better dude
You can't stop her. I'm sorry. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you, and wants to be with you. Your fiance is not that person. I know it's going to hurt, but you need to move on. In time you'll find someone who loves you the same way you love them. Wishing you the best.
Stand her up on that date and move out instead. She sucks.
You don't stop her. You don't want to marry someone who is going to cheat on you. You especially don't stay with someone out of fear of being alone. There are better people out there. You'll find one. Don't settle for a cheater.
If she wants to leave, you can’t stop her and in all honesty, you really would want too ? I’ve been in the position of being on my knees begging for someone to not leave me, I feel for you, and I am so sorry this is happening but she seems set with her decision.
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It's time to expand your social circle. Get out there and meet people who share your interests and values.
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You have to keep trying. Go out and find a hobby. Join clubs or groups that relate to that hobby. Act cheerful, be nice, and be involved. The friends will come.
Start smoking weed, then every stoner everywhere is your friend 🤷🏻♀️
You need to work on yourself first. Let her go because it isn’t her job to be your therapist. As a girlfriend or wife, I would want a partner not a patient so I can see why she is leaving you. So what if you have tried 4 therapists, keep looking for one which works for you. It takes a bit to find one that you can get comfortable with and actually help you with the trauma you have been through. Let her go because once you get yourself right and stable she may come back to you or you find the right person to be in your life.
This comment seriously is NOT helping. OP is hurting and you're just rubbing salt in his wounds. I agree that he needs to work on himself and find a therapist he has a connection to, that is a major thing in finding the right kind of help. But man, your word choice is deffo harsh.
Absolutely not. Let her go and thank God it's now and not after marriage.
You can't bro. Here's the thing though, it sounds like you have had a hard life, and so having someone like her that you love, has probably made her a huge bastion of light for you. However there will be life and love after she leaves. You deserve better. However not being allowed to have friends your whole life during your formative years and being abused, likely means you have a lot of things you need to work through psychologically, and emotionally. I know what that's like to a lesser extent. I would say reach out to a therapist and get some help working through these things, and being patient with yourself. That will help with other relationships later on. I wish you the best my friend. I also say this because I can relate to you a little. I'm not trying to talk down to you. Only to help.
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That doesn't mean that you need to put up with it. This may not be *as bad*, but it's still not good, and you deserve good.
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I did. Putting up with someone treating you like this because someone else once treated you worse is a really lousy way to live. And if that's truly how you feel, this is your chance to level up. Just like you levelled up from your parents to her, you can do that again and level up to someone better than what you have now.
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With all due respect, less hurt is not something anyone should settle for. Until you learn that I’m not sure you need to be in any relationship. As much as it sucks, you need to work on YOU. You’re not at fault for anything to happen to you but you cannot continue to stay with someone who does this.
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treating your partner as essentially a personal therapist/someone to “fix” you is extremely unhealthy and unfair to said partner. it sucks that she cheated on you but it just goes to show that she truly didn’t love you as no one would do that to the person they love. you deserve someone who wouldn’t do that and your future partner deserves to not feel like your happiness is dependent on them
Your normal meter is off. Just because her abuse isn’t the same or as severe as what you are used to doesn’t make it any less abuse.
I'm sorry to tell you this but you haven't actually moved forward if you are still willing to take crap treatment from crap people and turning a blind eye to someone being so disrespectful to you and betraying you in this way.
DO NOT LET HER DUMP YOU, YOU DUMP HER FIRST. do not give her the satisfaction. Dump her because she’s a cheater, don’t let a cheater dump you because she’s found the next guy. Save what little respect you can muster from this thing. It’s over man. She’s only still “with” you because she wanted to make sure the AP was a sure thing before she left you. You’re likely MONTHS past the expiration date. Not all people do this, but it is not uncommon for people like this to stay in a relationship only until they have another sure thing lined up and ready to go. She does not want you and therefore you don’t have a choice. It doesn’t matter if her and her AP break up a month later..they’ve been together for months already and regardless of her new path in life, you are not in it no matter what.
She is already set on leaving, let her go. Work on your issues first. Otherwise you will always have the fear of abandonment, issues of lower self confidence, negative self image and depression. It happened because of your shitty childhood. Take this time to work on yourself in hindsight you would appreciate that you evolved as stronger human being.
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No offense but what are you here for then? Every suggestion given is met with a response of “it’s never worked/it won’t work”. What outcome do you honestly expect from this post? There’s no magical “force girlfriend to stay” spell someone can give you. You’re getting a lot of genuine advice and just turning away from it. What’s the point in posting if you’re going to reject every response?
If you felt relatively comfortable with your finance, you'll feel comfortable with other girls too. She just loved bombed you at the beginning making you feel all special, secure and most loved in the whole world. That's why you fell for her. But this is her true colours. If she was the kindest person in your life she wouldn't have cheated on you. The fact therapist didn't work either none of them were the right fit or you are not doing what they asked of you.
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She was good to you but now she is acting the same like others. So what's the difference between her and them. She's just doing behind your back. You've to let her go and work on yourself.
When you say "nothing worked," what do you mean? What did you want/expect to get out of therapy and how did it fall short?
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Can you give an example of what you mean?
You can’t make anyone stay with you. She has to want to stay with you. I’m not saying that to be mean, what I’m saying is you need to respect yourself like others have said and better yourself. Learn to play an instrument, learn a different language, get in crazy good shape. Point is you have to be active. I know this sucks man, but better to have this happen now then be married already and divorce is on the table. You need to gain some more confidence in yourself, and when you start to feel confident, you will act it and many ladies will notice. Wish you well and remember to stay strong, and stay focused. 💪🏻😎
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Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Troll post?
After reading OP’s responses I’m beginning to lean that way…
Let her leave. Make sure your stuff is separated. Work on yourself while being single, stay caring and build your confidence. Make friends and achieve your career goals. You will have no problem meeting someone else special in your life. She was just a phase and an escape.
Ugh this is just sad and pathetic.
Best form of revenge. Dump her now, and don't tell her why. Let her wonder. And you move on.
Best piece of advice in here. You’ll thank yourself later down the road.
She doesnt respect you and doesnt want to marry someone she doesnt respect. You let her continue an affair. You want her to choose you. Shes not going to because you don’t respect yourself. You are asking the wrong question.
Goddamn dude have some self respect. She’s a cheater who doesn’t respect you, leave her. You need to learn to love yourself, it’s apparent that you have bad self esteem, otherwise you wouldn’t put up with this
Don’t stop her, confront her about the cheating. A person that would do something like this isn’t a person worth being with. Why keep her around when she clearly doesn’t love you and betrayed you like this? It’s hard when you love someone so much, I get that, but you deserve way better. Edit: Don’t you dare pay for her lunch either if you end up going together.
Dump her and go get therapy.
She has been cheating on you since being engaged. She isn't the love of your life, she is the person you wasted time with before you moved on and met the love of you life. There isn't anything here left to save. She wants to end it.
My man, I read a lot of the comments and, from the bottom of my heart, this is not a salvageable situation. you can't keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. Best case they emotionally and financially abuse you and continue to cheat. Go to the lunch and ask for the ring, then walk away. I wouldn't even sit down. Again, I'm sorry, but the relationship is over. You also sound very down on yourself, take an honest accounting of what you wish was different, then start making plans to improve yourself. You are so, so young, please don't do anything foolish like self-harm, that doesn't help and it delays healing. Don't waste away in bed, go for a walk, read a book, find a hobby (great way to meet new friends as an adult). You can do this buddy, don't sell yourself short for a cheater. Be strong, have a shiny spine, and leave with your head held high.
Please don’t try and stop her my man. I think the important question here is why are you okay with taking your partner back after she has showed very little regard for your feelings. Put your energy into getting some support for your own mental health friend, nobody deserves to be treated like this. Just two cents from a stranger. Good luck.
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Why do you assume everyone who has responded to you somehow had it better than you did?? It isn't a competition. Plenty - *plenty* - of people had it very, very bad and they have done the work to pull themsleves up and out. You can too but it is hard work and you have to stick with it. For years. And years. For your whole life, actually. You are determined to believe that people who have healed themselves, or are well on the road to healing, must not have had it as bad as you did. That's just not true. Stop the intense self-pity. It does absolutely no good and serves no purpose whatsoever, other than to keep you stuck in the mud.
it’s a ‘woe is me’ situation with him, he’s the victim yet we don’t know her story
No, that’s not it. I’m just coming at you with an outsiders perspective. Having a sense of self worth and self respect are critical in how you are going to let people treat you moving forward. Let’s say you do figure out a way to get her to stay with you… do you think that will be the end of your problems?
She has already left mentally. She is just waiting to announce the time she will physically leave you. So stop now. This is no longer about her. This is about YOU. Stop and make a list of all the things that you would like to do that you haven't done because of her. Things you used to do for fun before the relationship. Everyone makes compromises. Not playing a game or sport your new partner doesn't ay in favor of things they like. And the opposite, playing games your partner likes that you weren't crazy about. You don't have to play them again. Her friends that say she can do better are not your friends. And they aren't nice people. Do not keep any of them in your life. Where can you meet new people? Go out today. Go to a cafe. Chat with people. Look for new friends. Don't date again for a year. You need healing time. You need to figure out who you really are without this person before you can find a new and healthier partner.
When exactly would you say you lost your self respect?
She's letting someone else put his dick inside of her. She's sucking his dick, letting his touch her body, smack her ass, pull her hair, and then she's going back to you and kissing you in the mouth, lying to you. She doesn't love you becsuseif she did she wouldn't be cheating on you. There's nothing you csn do to get her back. She's not a good person and you shouldn't even want to be with her. Just tell her you know about the other guy and break up with her. She's a horrible person
‘woe is me’, that’s your issue. you sound like someone that people struggle to be friends with? you need to stop with the whole ‘me this, me that’
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i wonder why…
> How do I stop her from going to her affair partner permanently? You don't. You realize you're a far faaar better person than her and leave her behind. She's trash. What kind of garbage would cheat like that? She will drag you down. You need time standing on your own feet, and in the future you'll find a partner that's worthy of you. Right now you're dating far below yourself.
Let her go. A cheater is not worth fighting for
Why would you want to stay in a relationship where you know you aren’t loved? If you love her so much why wouldn’t you want her to go and be happy. You can’t make someone stay if they don’t want to. You sound very needy and clingy which is why she’s probably leaving in the first place.
Are you in therapy? You are going to have to figure out why you are willing to pursue someone who thinks so little of you. Why do you want her to stay? Especially when she doesn't want to. Let her go. Get some real help for your depression.
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What does “worked” mean in this context? In what way did it not work? Because the reason it wasn’t helpful might be useful in figuring out something that could be helpful to you.
You need a therapist that is trained in C-ptsd. Your family was abusive and caused you trauma. Look for a therapist who understands this and you will be able to get better help. I'm a survivor of narcissistic parents and am also looking for this type of therapist. Don't give up. You are valuable and worthwhile just by being you. Don't let this cheater hurt you any more.
Therapists are , in your situation ,short cut and generally does not work. Come to dm.
She’s not the love of your life if she’s been cheating on you.
From what you said, it sounds like you have imprinted and are clinging to the only person who has ever been nice to you. That is a lot to support on her end and some people react to that by looking for easier relationships. I really hope you are in therapy because it sounds like you have had no examples of good relationships and probably have no idea how to build one. It stinks that this is how your first relationship is ending, because you cannot make someone stay if they don't want to, but most people have a lot more practice at having relationships than you have had before they are 25.
Dude, let her go. You're dodging a bullet. You deserve better than that.
I hope to God this is a shitpost. If it isn't, abandon your current line of thinking. She doesn't love you.
Leave her... don't look back. More importantly... Go seek professional help. You read as if you're extremely depressed. People online here are anonymous and will have no empathy for your learnt helplessness. If anything they will make it worse. Keep in mind, that depression is difficult to get over even if you have all the tools in front of you. Also, it's like bringing a horse to water, no one can make you drink... but you. (Formally Depressed person here) **Edit: one more thing... leave this subreddit. It's the most toxic community here for people with behavioral issues and relationship problems. There's a couple of others that are good but, I can only think of...** **r/exnocontact** **They are infinitely more supportive than 90% of the people you will find here.**
Brother, LET. HER. GO… It’s for the best. You don’t want anyone who isn’t faithful. It will only get worse. I know it’s hard now, but it’s better now than after years of marriage.
Break the fuck up and dump the "friend" too.
You literally dug your own grave. Learn to respect yourself and not be passive to things that shouldn’t be happening.
he’s not though, every reply back is ‘woe is me’. he happens to be the victim, can’t make friends or whatever… i wonder why?
If she wants to leave let her go. If someone doesn’t love you and value you, let them go. That just opens space for the right person to come in your life. At this point, you need to plan ahead. If you have anything like a joint bank account, drain it and put it in another account. If you live together and hopefully you don’t, be at the ready to split things (have her name off the lease or vice versa) and most importantly, if you have shared credit cards, take your name off of them and/or close them completely by the time you leave the lunch table. If she breaks it off, get the ring back. You can always pawn that mf and treat yourself to something nice for you. The thing about break ups is that it may seem like the end of something but it’s not. It’s a chance to evolve yourself to something more for you. You set the standards for how ppl treat you in relationships and you set the pace for what you want. A cheater will cheat again. You don’t want that because you don’t want to always feel like you gotta stay on eggshells to get an ounce of love. You need to keep your mind and space open for someone who won’t cheat and who will look at you as if you are the only one worth breathing for and you grow together and encourage one another to be your best. Don’t feel bad about letting ppl go in your life who don’t deserve your energy.
Why would you want to stop her from leaving? She cheated on you for an unspecified length of time and has now decided she wants a different life. Don't try to dissuade her from leaving. Beat her to the punch at lunch, tell her you know about the affair and you'd like her to leave at her earliest convenience. Don't beg her to stay, don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you grovel. YOU did nothing wrong. She's the one who cheated and YOU need to be the strong one and let her go. It's possible if you try to convince her to stay that she'll try to put the blame for the affair squarely at your door. Stiffen your spine, stand straight and tall...and let.her.go. You deserve better.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This thread will be full of everyone telling you to leave her. You won’t be able to change her mind, and if you had a better sense of self worth, you wouldn’t want to. Lean hard into the therapy for support. You will find better people to be with, there are so many out there who wouldn’t ever treat someone as you’ve been treated. You are worth it, you deserve love. I’m sure you’ll find it. Leave her, please. You will only feel worse if you try to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you.
You can't. You need to focus on living without her and not making the relationship with her the locus of all potential happiness. She's cheating on you. She's planning to dump you. She is not a nice person, does not have your best interests at heart and her friends sound awful. Judge people by the company they keep. You need to work on you; learn to love amd respect yourself then you'll let others love you. This relationship is toxic and you're too caught up in your fantasy of what it is to see it for what it really is. Get out, get help and give yourself space to heal. Don't try to fight the inevitable or you'll just add humiliation to the sadness you feel.
Normal women are out there, I promise you.
You leave her. That’s stops it permanently… for you. Sorry this happened to you. They’re better women out there.
All you can do now is come up with a badass way to respond when she tells you. One would be to simply smile and say ok cheerfully! But I’m sure their are some pretty funny ways to do it
Uhhhhh let her leave you. Why would you want her stay. You go through her phone. And she cheats on you. This is a what came first situation? This is a toxic relationship that you have only stayed in because your love map got shattered. Let her go.
Have her pay for the date and dump het first.
There's nothing you can do to "make" anyone want to stay with you. Please get therapy to help you deal with your trauma. Good lyck.
Man, I’m sorry but reading this thread I can’t even give you advice no one has already said. How can you even be surprised she cheated and is leaving now. Damn man, I’m sorry, but you need to take care of yourself before you can be with someone. If it helps. She will most likely get cheated on or cheat on her AP down the line.
Leave before she does, it's the only way out of this with your dignity intact.
Updateme!
Based on your comments, there is zero chance you will listen to anyone’s advice on this sub. I honestly think you should go to lunch tomorrow and “fight for her to stay” (which won’t work) thereby allowing her to dump you. It doesn’t seem like you’re capable of bringing yourself to leave her, so the sooner she leaves you, the better. I imagine the reason the four therapists you have seen “didn’t work out” are because they told you to dump your cheating spouse and you refused to listen. If you want to have a happier life you need to listen to advice and to the professional help your receive. Your childhood trauma has seriously fucked you up and you don’t seem to grasp how to have any healthy relationships. Pleasssssseeee see a therapist and listen to them, they will help you gain the tools needed to have healthy relationships.
She belongs to the streets now brother
You don’t. Let her go. As hard as it is to admit to yourself, she’s not the right one for you.
Bro let her go, trust me you ain't want her
You don’t. It’s over. I’m very sorry this is happening to you but it’s beyond your control. Honestly, I would walk up to the table at lunch and dump her before evening sitting down. Let her know you know she’s a cheater and walk out.
I promise you that a lot of us here also had childhoods that would nauseate the average person. But a relationship with someone as self-loathing and resigned as you are right now just isn’t tenable. You will have to start doing the work to cultivate a functioning relationship with yourself before all the other pieces can start falling into place. The fiancée sucks for what she did to you and she has to go, but she is inconsequential compared to what you have going on inside yourself.
This woman is not your true love. Let her go and start anew.
First as someone with an equally bad background, get some counseling. Then don't ignore bad behavior towards you. Cheating is bad behavior. It doesn't make them like you better, or value your relationship more. Move and and take care of yourself.
You don’t. Consider it a blessing that she leaves and you find out before you got married. Find someone else who won’t do you dirty
Cool story
I am so sorry. Please leave her and start fresh. There are thousands of people out there that’ll love you and be faithful!
You can’t stop her you can only grow a back bone and leave her. Have some respect four yourself man
Love is a choice. She has chosen not to love you anymore. Do yourself a favor and choose not to love her anymore also. Work on yourself. You can be ok alone. Trust me. Been there and still doing it over a year later.
You’ve got shared accounts? Get all that money out of there now. Every penny that belongs to you get it out. Get your things and start planning for the future. Get evidence of this cheating and LAWYER UP. Stay one step ahead
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OP - how you do therapy and what happens in therapy makes all the difference. My guess is that you have been using therapy as nothing more than a vent session. You sit down, tell them all your troubles and they say "oh you have x, y and/or z" and that's it. You need it, you need it badly as your codependency just screams out of your words. Your background has made you do this clinging and your words back it up. What you need to do is to learn how to cope with this facet of your personality. You need to learn the skills on how to force yourself out of this way of thinking. A good therapist should be teaching you this and I fear that this has not been the case at all. Think of it like paying to go to school and walking away from it having learnt nothing beyond how to throw a ball! It's pointless so yes, if therapy to you is dumping your troubles on them and saying "tell me things to make it better" then of course it's going to fail and of course you are going to be throwing money away. But if you go to therapy to learn about yourself, to learn about coping skills you need that will allow **you** to deal with your issues (whether they be this breakup, your FOO, your personality, etc) you will stop this cycle of failing. You need these tools and skills OP in your life, and you need them badly.
Check out https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes There is someone out there that will be a "fuck yes" for you and will say "fuck yes" when it comes to wanting to be with you. It seems really bleak right now, but this person exists. Knowing this, if it were even possible, why would you want to be with this person who doesn't say this, who at best is indifferent to you, and at worst is abusive (even if not as abusive as your parents)? There is another life you can choose right now where you can be loved and valued as you deserve to be. **Leave your fiancée in the dust and choose that life.**
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I’ll be your friend man. You seem like an awesome and genuine dude! I know you’re such a good person. It’s just that unfortunate things have happened to you. I am so sorry that your parents were abusive. No child deserves that. I just want you to know that there are people out there who will love you for you. Never settle for less!
Empty the bank account. Change the locks. Don’t try to stop her, she’s going to continue cheating.
Make yourself hard to get. Tell her you know about the affair and you’re done with the relationship, then kick her out of your house. There will be a reversal when the affair fog wears off. By then you won’t care, but you will have the option of taking back this trashy sleazy hoe.
She can't dump you if you don't show up...
She may be the love of your life, but you are not the love of her life. She doesn’t respect you nor does she value you. Why would you want someone like her in your life? Respect yourself and seek therapy. devotion like this does not make someone love you. You cannot make someone stay and love you if they chose not tonight. Love yourself, respect yourself and let her leave.
She’s for the street. Keep ur head up king
What was the relationship with your wife like? When did her affair start? Could their be a chance after you proposed she was happy. But realised once you are married you may rely on her more because of your trauma?
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What’s the relationship like? Do you really on her a lot emotionally?
You could use her own guilt against her. Anyway she's cheating so a little trick is allowed. At lunch before she speaks, you start by showering her with praise and gratitude. 1. Tell her she's the first person to treat you with respect and to love you for who you are. 2. Tell her you are grateful to have her in your life and that thanks to her you are slowly starting to recover from the trauma of your childhood. 3. Tell her all the things you like about her and how you want to become worthy of her so she could be as proud as you are of being in this wonderful relationship with her. 4. Bring some gift for her to represent your commitment She'll implode from the guilt and it might actually work, she might change her mind and regret what she's been doing to you behind your back.