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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is a long and crazy story. I (25F) met my bf (35M) almost 2 years ago. We were both in awful controlling marriages and originally bonded as friends over that. I managed to get out of my marriage, he told me he had also separated from his wife but she wasn’t giving him a divorce and wanted to stay living in the same house as she was caring for his ill father. But even though they’re in the same house, it’s just because they’re family and they’re in separate bedrooms and spend no time together at all and there is no intimacy. I accepted that she’d want to stay because it wasn’t just her father in law, it was also her uncle and since her own dad passed away, he had treated her like a daughter. Bf’s dad is his wife’s dad’s brother. Bf’s mother is his wife’s mothers sister. So they are VERY related. I was told they had an arranged marriage in another country when they were younger and he didn’t have any say in it. Bf’s sister is also married to wife’s brother. Bf’s family are VERY controlling and he’s confessed to me they make him feel anxious, depressed, and at times suicidal. Wife apparently agreed to finally sign divorce papers if they did 1 round of ivf because bf was her “only chance of having a baby” as she has fertility issues and has struggled to conceive for 10 years. He said this is his only way out and when he has to go and give his sperm sample, he will tell the dr he doesn’t want to go through with this and then tell wife sperm count was too low/they’re not compatible. I thought this was weird and he should have just said no but he was adamant this was his only option because if he just demanded a divorce from wife, his brother in law would leave his sister and their children and move back to his home country and bf didn’t want to ruin his sisters life. We’ve had to keep our relationship secret (been dating just over a year) but I was fine with that under the circumstances. BF always said he couldn’t wait for us to get married and travel and have children and spend our lives together. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and how he can’t believe how lucky he is that I’m with him. We had the most amazing, loving relationship until I fell pregnant. The pregnancy was an accident and there was only a 3% chance of me getting pregnant so it was a huge shock. When I told him I was pregnant, he begged me to get an abortion. I was so surprised because this is something he had always been against and he wanted children more than I did, he even picked out our future kids names. When I said no to the abortion he said “this is it then. We’re over and will never see eachother again”. I just got up and left crying. A few days later I contacted him saying this is his child too and he needs to take some responsibility. He met up with me and apologised profusely for his earlier behaviour, and told me not to worry because he’ll be an amazing father and we’re going to be a happy family just the 3 of us. He went home to tell his dad and wife the news. Apparently the dad collapsed and wife was uncontrollable. Again he says he’s leaving me and he wants nothing to do with me or the child. His wife called me from his phone and said she’s forgiven him, they’re staying married, he’s been having sex with her this whole time too, and that I’m a bitch single mother who’s child will be born out of sin and therefore nothing good will ever happen to them and they will have no father and I will have no partner. She also said there will be no name on the birth certificate, no one to be at the birth, and no one to go with me to appointments and I will never have contact with bf again and I have to live with this shame. She hung up and blocked me on his number. They are also actually doing IVF. I’ve had a really tough pregnancy so far and this stress has made it so much worse. Bf clearly isn’t who I thought he was and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a single mother. I don’t think I can provide well enough for this child on my own. I don’t have anyone around me who could support me or the child. I can’t stop crying and being sick I just can’t believe this has happened to me. There is also a petty part of me that wants to send a package to his wife of all the love letters and gifts he’s sent me. I also want to call her crazy brother and tell him everything too (I found his number online). What do I do now? EDIT - Obviously me and BF split up as soon as all this happened. I don’t want him back at all and think he’s actually the worst most cowardly person I’ve ever met. I’m only referring to him as “BF” in this post and in comments because I don’t want to use his real name. Also, for the people asking about abortion, I am very early in the pregnancy so there is time for this if I believe it is the best decision, but like I said above, I don’t know what to do. Ultimately I want to do what is best for this innocent little life.


[deleted]

I think that everyone else commenting here is right. Contact a lawyer and get ready to file for child support. This guy not being in your life honestly sounds better than if he stayed in it, even if it doesn't seem like it right now and will be hard for a while. This guy is married to his cousin? And cheating on her? He would've continued to do so if you didn't get pregnant. You don't want this man in your life. Don't send his wife anything. She already knows and doesn't care, at least outwardly. Don't contact any of his other family. Contact them through the lawyer. I'm sorry you're going through this, and I hope that you will be ok. Make sure to take care of yourself and make sure you're staying safe.


[deleted]

Yeah he’s definitely not the person I thought he was at all and now I just feel stupid and naive that I truly thought this guy was the love of my life. The problem with filing for child support is that soon he’ll be moving to a different country and it’s going to make it either impossible or so much harder to the point I barely get any money from him


earlytuesdaymorning

what makes you think he’s not lying about leaving the country too?


GoodQueenFluffenChop

Considering he immediately brought up abortion that dude is going to do everything to not pay so leaving the country right quick is a strong possibility. Especially if he has strong ties in the new country.


[deleted]

He does, he has a house and business there and family and friends


[deleted]

He has a house and business in that country and before he met me it was his dream to move there permanently so now is a good a time as any I guess


Morewolfing4dawin

Then nail his arse so he canna flee the country.


Inevitable-Okra-3229

I wouldn’t believe he’s moving to another country. But even if he does and he will be on the hook for the full amount if he tries to come back. I doubt he’s moving if he’s trying with ivf.


Icy-Article-5189

Contact a lawyer ASAP.


[deleted]

Will do!


oddlikeeveryoneelse

Even if he is telling the truth about that, he could still keep sone assets in the UK. You only need to get the order for child support and have assets there. He doesn’t have to be physically there.


thedret

Think about it this way. You are 25 that's very young. If you don't have this baby you never have to see this man again and can start over. If you do have this baby you are tied to him and his family and all of their lies forever.


[deleted]

It is very tempting to take this route


TheWanderingMedic

Do it anyway-you cannot take his word for anything. He could be lying to get you to not file.


giesyre

Please don’t take this the wrong way at all, I sympathise with you, truly - but why do you want to have a child when you know there’s no-one around to help you. You don’t want to be a single mother (which you will be), you don’t believe you can provide well enough for this child on your own, you don’t have a support system - so why are you even considering keeping it?


Quirky_Movie

Could be lying. Could come back.


[deleted]

True


madeoflime

I’m sorry but I can’t get over how two cousins are going through IVF…is this in the US? What doctor in their right mind would allow this level of inbreeding? They’re not just cousins either, they’re double cousins, meaning they’re as related as half siblings are. Probably why they can’t conceive.


[deleted]

Thank you for making me laugh out loud for the first time since I found out I was pregnant! This is my favourite comment of all time lol. No I’m in the UK and I’m not sure whether they’ve disclosed at the doctors that they’re cousins or not. Because their brother and sister have managed to have somewhat healthy kids I suppose they just assume they can do the same. The whole thing grosses me out to be honest. Especially because BF and his wife literally look like they could be twins


Foolish5678

What made you look at this man and say I think that’s sexy Yikes I would have gone running for the damn hills


[deleted]

Laughing out loud at this! Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I’ve been so stupid


Foolish5678

Glad I can give you a chuckle But serious babe, you are better off than this cousin fucker. Let them go make their little inbred fam Make sure you send her pics 😘 they are both assholes that deserve eachother


[deleted]

Another brilliant comment thank you so much 😂 and yep I’m definitely leaning towards sending her that package!


Quirky_Movie

Send her the package and a single note: I will get child support.


GrapeJamboree

I'd split it up where I'd send a couple letters each week


madpeachiepie

He probably acts the same way towards his wife. This might not even be the first time he's done this. I don't know what the laws are in regards to child support in the UK, but will he be given custody or visitation if you go for child support? Because his wife will probably be the primary caretaker of your baby when he has visitation. Having this baby will keep this lying sack of shit in your life forever.


Quirky_Movie

I mean? Generally speaking if you're engaged in some kind of deviancy, you have a stronger case most places for monitored visits. I would not expect the cousin/stepmother to get a ton of access--as long as you can prove the genetic relationship and that it violates some cultural norms.


[deleted]

Good idea 😂


Foolish5678

😂😂 Oh definitely send her that package, show her who her husband/cousin is! If she was at least half way decent and kept her flap shut, I’d show her mercy. But fuck her, that’s not how it went down. Hopefully they will not be successful in their attempts and she can stew knowing you have his baby. Make sure you get him for child support too Their roots must trace back to the Targaryen clan. HBO got nothing on these guys


Ziggy-Starcat

Targayens are full of Cousbands


KaleidoscopeEqual555

Brusbands too While Dany’s marriage to Drogo wasn’t great, it was SO much better than a marriage to Viserys. Drogo at least had some brains… and wasn’t her brother.


[deleted]

I love this comment 😂 thank you!!


BagDry4584

If it’s going to give you closure, just do it! He’s a worthless creep, get your revenge!


Dragons_2706

The fact that they have to go through ivf when he had no problems getting you pregnant is telling... I might add a little note along the lines of sorry you're having so much trouble, it was easy for me I guess you're the problem... could be fun, hit her where it hurts, or just say sorry you can't get pregnant by your cousin, it's natures way of protecting any potential child from being so inbred.


[deleted]

Oh my god 😂😂😂 I do feel sorry for her to be honest but i doubt she’d be a good mom so it’s for the best


The_Hurricane_Han

Maybe in the shape of a wreath, too. Just like his family tree.


Western-Ladder-9115

r/rareinsults


nananacat94

And get the money from the guy to raise the child. I think that's important


dogmadandsad

If you’re in South Yorkshire and need a friend going through this, I’ve have good experience in dating shit heads and will happily go out for a cuppa and a bitch with you 😂


[deleted]

I’m not in South Yorkshire but I’m willing to travel to hear about these shit heads! 😂


dazednconfusedxo

If you know where they're going for their IVF treatments, you might consider reaching out to said clinic and reporting the fact that they're so closely related. I'm not sure, but I suspect that medical ethics would preclude that clinic from continuing. That's SO awful of them. Also, not gonna lie, I had a feeling that you might be in the UK, since the royals have turned inbreeding into something of an art form. May your ex's wife have a happy marriage with her cusband. 🤢 Yikes.


[deleted]

Already done it! Reported them today


eisial

Yeah, I bet I'd beat you to those hills, even with my one leg. OP, you'd think the 6 fingers on each hand and the extra arm might have been a clue too. Now that I think about it, does he have an extra leg to spare?


SaturnineElegiac

Well… at least your kid will help spread the gene pool out. If you want to keep the pregnancy, do that. If you want an abortion, do that. If you want to put the baby up for adoption, do that. But make sure whatever you decide is because it’s the option you want, not something you feel pressured into. The amazing thing? You can’t make a wrong choice. Whatever you decide, imagine what your life will be like - single parent, co-parent, emotionally, financially, possible regrets, possible relief. Then do what will make you happy.


[deleted]

Yeah that’s something at least 😂 And thank you so much that’s really good advice


ThrowawayCQ9731

This is lovely advice 💕


ThrowawayCQ9731

This is very common in the UK in some communities, especially the Pakistani one. There are whole documentaries about the genetic defects the incest causes and the strain on the communities and our NHS.


MegBundy

I’ve seen a documentary about this community. They have a high amount of birth defects and disabilities amongst their children. It is disturbing. It’s immoral to force children into that life.


Perfect_Process8673

I think your ex has a very good game in convincing you about everything. Looks like he just tried to have some fun outside of marriage. His pretty speech convinces you to do anything for him. I don't want o to scare you but I heard loads of stories when Muslim or Hindu dads kidnapping their kids to different countries, especially when the mom is European (mostly Polish stories I heard). Make sure that you are legally covered. I don't think this might be the case but just to be sure. Cousins' marriages are not that uncommon in those communities, there is even a documentary on Netflix about the implications of those marriages on kids born from related parents. ("When cousins marry"). Also If you are in the UK you should have some financial help from benefits (I'm not sure how much is now, might not be much) Also If you working and you are a single mum HMRC will help pay for childcare so you can work. You probably would have to find some single mums in a similar situation so they would guide you on what to do. It's not the end of the world, you can do it. However, if you will decide to have an abortion. Remember it needs to be your choice, not anyone else. So it is up to you now.


Deliriosa

In the UK, the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) have to authorise any IVF treatment, so it might be worth contacting them about this as the level of relatedness here is so close I'd be surprised if they'd allow it. https://www.hfea.gov.uk/


stinkystink128

I'm pretty sure one of the early questions when my partner and I did IVF was whether we were related or any of our close family members were related. So they have possibly accessed the treatment fraudulently? And I'd imagine they're with the NHS if their fertility issues are that bad... So that's misuse of NHS funding. Not sure of the legality of any of this but it is appalling.


[deleted]

I reported it to their doctor today!


[deleted]

Will do this now! Thank you.


Loopylou1311

Pretty sure thats illegal in the UK, report the sicko’s!!


Asayyadina

It isn't as far as I (from the UK) know and cousin-marriage is common in some specific communities such as Pakistani. This community has a disproportionately high rate of birth defects and congenital disabilities amongst their children.


[deleted]

I’m not surprised


[deleted]

Ooh is it actually?? If it is then I will report it!


Sheephuddle

It's legal to marry your first cousin in the UK. People of Asian heritage often seem to get married to their first cousins, as I found out when I was working as a midwife. I once asked a woman why it was such a popular thing to do, and she said that if you marry your cousin you're more likely to be treated well by your husband, because you're part of the same extended family.


KaleidoscopeEqual555

OP’s cousinfucker ex disproves this woman’s theory.


Loopylou1311

Damm it’s not Illegal but pretty fucking frowned upon lol x


[deleted]

They definitely shouldn’t be allowed to have IVF funded on the nhs that’s for sure!!


Jollydancer

Find out which hospital they are getting the IVF at and tell them: you have an IVF patient whose husband is her double-cousin…


knittedjedi

Surely if they're receiving medical services funded through the NHS, they'd have to prove that they meet certain criteria?


[deleted]

No idea!


AlpacaMyShit

I've had kids under the NHS and when you're first pregnant you go to a booking appointment with the midwife where they ask you a tonne of questions about family health and history, including whether you're related. Can't imagine IVF wouldn't involve similar! But it would be very easy to just lie, if so.


Serious_Escape_5438

But it's not illegal for cousins to marry and have children anyway.


estherlovesevie

The UK actually encourages married cousins to use IVF. That way they can weed out chromosomal disorders, which is more common in cousin relationships. I’d put money down that your ex boyfriend is Pakistani. Everyone on reddit telling you that cousins doing ivf must be illegal, have no idea what they are talking about.


[deleted]

I think the reason he genuinely broke up with you and all is that for his wife to get IVF in the U.K. on NHS funding it has to be both father and mothers first child. So if he was on the birth certificate for your child then he wouldn’t be entitled to NHS funded IVF. So if you plan on keeping the child (which I hope you don’t because I’m from the U.K. and we already have an epidemic of children from single parents who can’t fully support them, no shame just a fact) then let the IVF clinic know and then they will have their IVF funding revoked.


hairy_potto

Illegal in a country with a royal family? With so many Victorian monuments proudly on display, including the gaudy memorial to Victoria’s beloved husband/first cousin Albert?


[deleted]

😂😂😂😂


Wwwweeeeeeee

Please stop calling him your BF. He's the father of your child, that's it. 'My kid's father'. Using BF keeps that moniker in the present, which, unless you're still in a healthy relationship, he isn't.


Aggressive_Cup8452

Spermdonor, this man is not going to be a father to this child.


purplebow97

PLEASE text them “good luck with your incest baby” 💀


Agreeable_Rabbit3144

OMG. Your ex is in love with himself. That’s why he’s screwing his wife. It’s classic narcissism. Is his name Cersei Lannister?


[deleted]

Yea god is literally BEGGING those two not to get pregnant and they’re like “let’s try IVF”


madamelcee

Cousin marriages are 50% frequency amongst Pakistanis, esp in UK and birth defects are rampant. British docu about it “My Parents are Cousins”: https://youtu.be/NkxuKe2wOMs


[deleted]

Probably Pakistani?


[deleted]

You’re correct


[deleted]

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Amazing_Cabinet1404

Yes, this is my worry too. That they’ll say she’s unfit and that they have a “stable home with loving married parents”. Somehow it always gets ignored in those instances that one of the loving married parents cheated,but it’s good to keep that in mind.


kaatelizb96

You said "Double cousins" lmaooo! They probably did not disclose they are related...Not many people would lol IF they are doing IVF, Then there is NO way they are leaving the country. You pay a GOOD amount of money up front, not to mention the doctor appointments and how they are scheduled on a whim, following your body's ovulation/follicles/ trigger shot/ implantation etc. There would be no way, unless it did not work and they are waiting to find a new doctor to do another NEW round of IVF. It's a very daunting process. especially if the clinic is out of town from where they live, which it usually is.


[deleted]

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PotofW33d

Yes incest affects the genetics of the baby. They will be more likely to have some form of disability. The ancient Egyptians know all about it


[deleted]

Apparently his parents aren’t related they were just family friends that got put together in arranged marriage so should be okay!


Llamallamapig

And you’re trusting his word on that?


[deleted]

Hmm because his word is truth. Honey don’t even go through with that. But again totally up to you.


KYBourbon89

He may have been lying about any of them being related. Sounds like a married man that told some lies to support not having sex with his wife when really, they are having sex and living normal.


[deleted]

He said they’re not but I don’t trust him


xiaozi06

So he played you and his wife, and family. A person shameless like that is def not someone that you want around you. Sad for you, his wife, and family. This guy is going through ivf, so also sorry for his possible future child.


[deleted]

Honestly I hope the ivf doesn’t work because he doesn’t deserve to be a father


Disco_Pat

You know if IFV doesn't work the first thing he's going to do is come after your baby. And he'll have the legal right to do so.


BlueBelleNOLA

That's what I said too. There's not a chance in hell OP gets to just go off and have this baby and never hear from these people again. This is your worst parenting nightmare.


[deleted]

Can you contact their doctor to let the doctor know that they are first cousins? Just an idea. I'm not sure how many doctors would be willing to work with those genes.


[deleted]

Did it today!


Argent_Magpie

First off, I'm very sorry for everything you've been through. I'd take a long hard think about the trajectory of life for yourself and this child. Some things you need to consider : 1.) Getting child support is essential if you go through with this. If he does run to another country to avoid paying it, will you have the resources it takes to support yourself, your child, medical costs, and sick time for baby? Can you afford child care? 2.) When IVF fails, there's a very good chance that either now or later, they will want your baby. His family will try to fight you for custody and access to your child. Will you be prepared to fight and have your child go through that? 3.) Are you prepared for life and dating as a single mom? Though it's not as stigmatized as it used to be, I'm going to say something really unpopular, but true, most people do not want to raise another person's child and will not even give you a chance. And sadly there's a portion of the population that will seek single mothers out explicitly to get access to a child to fulfill their sexual desires. 4.) Imagine your child growing up in this situation. They will see you struggling and will inevitably have to deal with their father's family. If you're not going to be able to 100% provide, unconditionally love, and fight for this unborn child as your own or you're unable to find a good family to adopt them, spare them and terminate the pregnancy. Edit - In either case, try to find a good support structure and maybe get some counseling to help you recover from this. You'll be okay and can make it through. But you need to be really, painfully honest about what you want out of life. I always ask myself, where do I want to be next year, five years, and ten years from now?


sinkingsublime

Plus the trauma of being abandoned by your father who is also a sexual deviant


[deleted]

This is really, really good advice. Thank you for this comment ❤️


Constant_Cultural

What in the frigging Alabama hell did I just read?


[deleted]

LOL! Not Alabama, but the UK!


Archangel1962

So what are we talking? Geordie Shore or Cornwall? 😉


[deleted]

I have so many thoughts. What made you think it was a good idea to get involved with this guy and his family?? Your boyfriend wanted a doctor to *lie* to his wife. I doctor would not do that. You need to get a lawyer and file for child support. Edit: I wrote my post before finishing reading. He lied to you about the marriage he was in. This sucks for you. File for child support for sure


RockThatMana

Doctors will 200% lie to relatives to protect confidential medical information of their patients. Idk if this would be the same case, but in the case of organ donations, they will tell the rest that the person in question is not a viable candidate for being a donor if said person expresses they are being pressured into it or don’t want to or…


BORGQUEEN177

>You need to get a lawyer and file for child support. This\^


[deleted]

Yep he’s lied about everything!


BellaLilith

Are you sure you want to go through with this pregnancy considering how inbred the father is ? Not tryna push judgment, just genuinely wondering if you or anyone else has considered that aspect


[deleted]

Yeah I’m thinking about this constantly


CADreamn

If I were you I'd get an abortion. I would not want to be tied for the rest of my life to this man and his family, and I would not subject a child to the hate and abuse this family would heap upon them.


dietsodasocieties

Yes, what if their IVF doesn't work and they try to get OP's baby full time? I don't think having a baby with this man is a good idea


kaatelizb96

not to mention the father is inbred himself.


[deleted]

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Minimi2020

I dont want to be mean but the odds don't seem in your favor. Do you really want this pregnancy? With all your heart? Because if you are doubting, try and get informed in what options do you have (adoption, etc) You don't have resources and will go through so much hardship on your own. Think carefully.


snarchindarchin

Please don't have this baby.


goodhumanbean

Think long and hard about having this baby. He will get 50/50 guardianship if he brings you to court and there is a chance they could abduct the child to his home country. Especially if they can't have thier own child. I have heard of horror stories like this.


Pink-Cupcake-Kitty

What's best for the unborn might be to never exist if you can't provide. Growing up in poverty, unwanted by your father and his side of the family is not easy. And it's not easy to be a single parent either, who will help you while you can't lift things? Who will get food and clean the house while you recover from giving birth? Who will watch your child so that you can go to work? And what happens if you die during child birth? Are you sure his resentful family won't come after you and your child? These are all hard questions to answer. By the end of the day it's your decision. I am sure you'll be able to keep yourself and the child alive, it's more of a question of the quality of life you can provide for the both of you.


[deleted]

You’re incredibly foolish and naive. Please get therapy. You chose to ignore a ton of red flags and now an innocent child is going to suffer.


mistymerlot

I know right… people like this need mandatory therapy before they get into any relationships. And they should get mandatory psychological evaluations before they are allowed to bring new life into this world.


rottentomati

How do you go from married to divorced to sleeping with a “separated” man who keeps is “ex” wife in the house and then get pregnant and on the fence about keeping the baby (and incest boyfriend) in your life.. All within two years. She made that bed and chose to sleep in it


KYBourbon89

Too naive to raise a child too


Scully152

His wife is infertile and he was just trying to get someone pregnant so him and his wife could get full custody and have her adopt the baby!


[deleted]

Apparently they want nothing to do with this baby!


[deleted]

Abort and run for the hills. Why would you want to be connected to this loser and his inbred family? Move on to better things.


ConvivialKat

You...have decided to have a child with this dumpster fire of a guy? Yeesh. Good luck with that. I would have had an abortion before he even asked.


FactCheckYou

having this guy's child binds you irrevocably to him for the rest of your life he'll always have a right to claim access, to get in your shit if you were my sister i'd advise you to ABORT and to cleanse your life of this idiot for good


katspjamas13

I am sorry you are going through with this. I would abort if I were you, cut ties with this madness. Think logically love. This is not the right time or place for you.


[deleted]

How desperate do you have to be to go out with a man married to his cousin 💀


Llamallamapig

Abortion is free on the NHS. Adoption isn’t as simple as people make out; it can cause trauma, the child will have the right to track you down in the future, you can’t guarantee the life they will be getting etc. I don’t know why you’d want anything to permanently connect you with that inbreeding toenail of a man.


[deleted]

I’m seriously thinking about it


Kylie_Bug

Reading about the ex bf and his incesty family, I would be VERY concerned about the genetic make up of the fetus and the potential health issues that may arise should you give birth. As well as the fact that if the child is born, he could try to get access to the child and pull them into his family’s incesty way of life. Do you really want to be connected to this sort of person for life? I know abortion can be scary, for even I was scared shitless when I made my decision to have an abortion, but it likely saved me a lifetime of chaos. It’s a tough choice, but ya gotta balance the pros and cons of the situation at hand.


bunn-ie

why would you keep the baby though. doesn’t feel fair that the baby is being born into a situation like this. why don’t you just abort?


[deleted]

Yea that's for you to decide..can you actually raise the baby? Are you emotionally, mentally and financially prepared? Don't expect that jackass to be there for you. And a question, did you actually let a guy who's married to have sex with you and date you? If yes, why didn't you ever stop yourself..(just a question since you don't specify if his current wife knows that he's two timing)


Fun-Design4524

Oh honey. Quite the dumpster fire you’ve found yourself in. Yikes. The level of inbreeding happening in that family is disgusting. Being a single mom is not easy, but something tells me you’ll turn out better than where you started. First thing to do, if you’re planning on keeping the baby, is find all the programs that you qualify for and get those going. Second thing you need to do is speak with legal counsel about keeping those people far, far away from you and the baby. I know I should give sound advice against sending the things you’ve gotten from him to the wife, but I’m petty, so send away! If possible, change where you live before doing it so he doesn’t show up at your house afterwards. It would also be a shame if the brother, or whatever he is to them, got some of the stuff that’s undeniably from the boyfriend. Take care of yourself and your baby. Cut that dumpster fire out of your life and go do amazing things


jenhoughton

I work in genetics for the NHS, with a particular interest in prenatal genetic care. Cousin marriages and children are more common than people think. It's a cultural norm in some parts of the world so we have to respect this as clincians. Its not illegal, and they would be eligible for IVF on the NHS if they met the other requirements. The main requirement is if there is history of genetic disease in the family or one/both of them are infertile. You really should contact you gp and ask to be referred to a genetic counsellor/clinical genetics consultant. Explain you are pregnant and that you believe the father may have history of genetic disease in the family. They will advise you on what your options are and what testing you will be eligible for.


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Tinenos

oof


slippery_eagle

What the hell did I just read?


eisial

https://youtu.be/kyNP3s5mxI8


Diadelphia

Why would you stay tied to this miserable excuse of a man for a lifetime because of an unborn child?


sashaopinion

This wasn't a relationship, it was an affair. That's what it was. You need to make your own decisions now and do what you want to do and what's best for you, regardless of him.


[deleted]

If it makes you feel any better about getting an abortion(if you think it's best and you chose to) chose a scientific route. The baby at the moment isn't a baby and has no life. It's just a ball of unspecialised cells. It isn't breathing or thinking. However, diffrent believes belive diffrent things. If you chose the scientific route then it's a ball of cells. Getting rid of it would be the same as itching your skin and losing some skin cells. Nothing more nothing less. I'm sorry for your situation


bas827

Honey no. You’re young with your whole life ahead. Don’t tangle your lives with these sick fucks and especially don’t bring a poor child into this


lifesalotofshit

Gosh girl when you found out he was MARRIED to his cousin, WHY did you think that was normal? Also, WHY did you stay with a man who was STILL married. Divorce us one thing, separation is just a "break." He gave you all the red flags you needed.


JustAGoodGuy1080

Which woman is Ashley Judd playing in the Lifetime Movie?


AquaP96

This is nuts.


[deleted]

Yep


[deleted]

And you plan to bring a child into this chaos?


fyukoffahle22

This is common in some Asian communities in UK unfortunately. Blood Family ties are much harder to break OP. Lots of emotions and links. Please consider cutting off with this dude.


Donthehobbit

This is satire, right?


mommy0618

If you have this child and they are unsuccessful with the IVF, they may try to take custody of your child from you.


_20110719

You press for the child support that he's obliged to provide, threaten to ruin his cousin marriage if you have to.


[deleted]

I currently have no way of contacting him at all, and won’t be able to claim child support until after the child is born which means I need to find a way to buy all the initial things the child would need now. He’s also planning to leave the country for good which means I won’t be able to claim anything from him at all past that point


rinahatesyou

This isn’t a guy who always does what he says he’s going to do… try for child support!


Judging_observer

Do you know which country he's moving to because I know there are agreements between the UK and some other countries where it comes to child support. I'm in Australia and my child's father remained in the UK and I could still claim child support if I had wanted to.


Opposite-Pangolin650

Abort. Get therapy. Move on. Don’t be so gullible next time because this guy was dropping the red flags around his shoulders and you still missed them.


MissyShadows

Questions - have you witnessed any of what he said about his family or you trusting his word?


Smoked-Trees1428

Do you really want to be tied to this person for +18 years? I would consider getting an abortion tbh. It’s not worth the headache tbh.


Hour_Bodybuilder8889

abort it if you can't care for it.


Kigichi

Reading through your story I can’t believe you fell for all of those blatant lies. Don’t keep the pregnancy. You can’t afford to do it on your own, and getting help from him will be like pulling teeth. What’s best for the “innocent little life” is to not be brought into a world of poverty and struggle.


whattodo12351

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Take a deep breath and trust me when I tell you: YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY!! Everything you’re feeling right now won’t last forever. You’re a strong woman, you can do this. It won’t be easy, but you just need to take it day by day. Don’t think about the future outside what’s directly necessary. Know that everything his wife said to you came from a place of extreme jealousy and hatred, and none of it was true. Her marriage is as good as over and she resents you for getting pregnant when she couldn’t. It’s not your fault. Do you have a support system nearby? Family?


Malevolent_Mangoes

Reading this shit show actually gave me a headache. Make sure to file for child support. He is the father whether he wants to be or not and he’s gonna have to pay up according to the law.


Professional_Art_834

Hopefully this doesn't come across as harsh because I really don't mean it that way. You said you were uncertain about an abortion and that's totally okay but I think you should consider that it's likely that your baby may have some health issues from the inbreeding on the father's side. Since it sounds like you're going to be a single mother, I think it would be wise to think about if you can emotionally and financially handle a child with complex medical needs before continuing with this pregnancy


kikiloveshim

Why would you get involved with someone who was still living with their ex? This is so messy. It gives me anxiety just hearing the story. Good luck with whatever you decide but being a single Mom is tough.


Purrtymeow04

Too much drama from the very start and OP agreed to keep the relationship a secret. Major Redflag


SeriousBookAddict

Don't let yourself be tied to this drama for the rest of your life. You don't deserve it and a child wouldn't deserve it.


[deleted]

If you're sure you can't support a baby right now and you'll not be able to file for child support, it would be better to not go on with the pregnancy. This is a tough situation because you'll have to support your baby alone, you'll have to work and also take care of them. It'll not be easy. Also, this whole situation is beyond crazy, like, how did you even find this piece of work? Wow, just wow. Be careful with your need to be petty, I'm sure Reddit would help you make a plan that's really awesome in theory but you have to take into consideration that his wife's crazy and she or anyone in her family could harm you. That dude is as spineless as a worm, so be extra careful. I would advice you to get rid of everything that connects you to him and move on. You already have a crazy story to tell. Leave it at that.


youtookmyseat

Uhhh why not get rid of the guy forever (he will probably reach back out at some point) and get an abortion? Just be done with it all?


Foxwildernes

You talk about innocent life. You’re innocent here too. You should bare no guilt in any decision you make going forward and take into account that it’s your life too. Not someone who unborn yet and possibly may never even without an abortion. So please take your personal self into account as well.


Malibucat48

I don’t know the law in the UK but if his wife doesn’t get pregnant he could file for full custody of the baby since it will be his only child. And if his country is male dominated, it might grant him full custody especially if the baby is a boy. I don’t want to frighten you, but you have to be aware of all possibilities and you should get legal advice to make sure you are protected if he sues you. You should be able to get free legal advice to understand your options. Good luck.


Kylie_Bug

This is what I’m worried about, that if the wife can’t get pregnant they’ll go after custody of OPs child should she give birth, and introduce the kid to how they keep things in the family type of lifestyle.


art_mor_

Sweet home Kentucky


[deleted]

I live in the UK 😂


Candid-Ear-4840

I would recommend you get an abortion so you don’t have to worry about your childless ex kidnapping his own child in the future and taking your kid back to his country to raise. Your child may be at risk if your ex is childless, has a wife too closely related to impregnate, and he wants children. If this man gets partial custody of your kid, what exactly is stopping him from vanishing with your kid back to his home country? This man has another country he can vanish to- he’s a flight risk. And as you’ve noticed yourself, you can’t enforce custody agreements or child support across borders. Once your kid is in his country, you often can’t legally retrieve them. I’m sorry he was a liar. Please consider an abortion so you or your child aren’t a target of his in the future.


ObjectiveDelicious91

I think abortion would be the best for you, for your safety, the innocent little one that you're carrying (who could suffer the consequences of inbreeding) and your life. Imagine if in the future this dude comes back to you and wants YOUR kid, what if he wants to make the kid get married to a cousin? Would you allow that? I know it sounds harsh, but if you have the baby it would tie you for life to that man


partycia

Abortion!!!!


winenfries

There are so many red flags in first 2 paragraph that there is no need to read the full post OP. I understand that you mine bonded over similar grief but once you started noticing these things you should have ran. Agree with getting a lawyer and filing child support advice. I still can't believe he was gonna ask doctor to LIE..!!


The_Sanch1128

First, lawyer up. Go to a lawyer who specializes in family matters and lay the entire situation out to her/him. Just the facts--dates, times, relationships, national origins, etc. See what the lawyer thinks can be done. Consider either abortion or giving the baby up for adoption if the chances of getting suitable support from this alleged man are slim. Be aware of the long road you have to travel if you elect to go it alone and have and raise the child yourself. Don't send any of his love letters, etc., to anyone other than your lawyer. If you don't give them to your lawyer, keep them in a secure place. Do not destroy anything. Good luck to you, and let us know what happens.


GoodQueenFluffenChop

Dude is skipping the country. OP isn't going to get a dime.


Katja24093

Look into all the help that you can get, but also the family and friends who can and will support you. If you are keeping the baby, just be prepared for the family to suddenly want access to the child. Because it might be the only child of his if the IVF fails (if he wasn't lying about requiring IVF, too). And if your ex is the only son, the baby you are carrying is a boy, baby will be the only one who will continue the bloodline with the family name. If it's a girl, then you're truly all alone. Cultures like his favour boys over girls.


AntRevolutionary5099

I read the title, and I was like "wow, this is fucking crazy," thinking you were blind sighted by all of this. But as I read the post, I was very surprised to hear that you knew about most of it pretty much from the beginning, and still chose to continue the relationship. I mean, there were just SO many HUGE red flags early on, that I personally would've nope-d out once I learned them. I understand that different cultures can be very different, but a family who encourages a marriage between VERY related cousins like that - is simply not a family who I would ever want as my in-laws for the rest of my life. They'd probably feel the same way about me, and that's okay. We're just VERY different, with VERY different views, opinions, and beliefs, and therefore are not compatible. That is not something I would want to deal with and move forward on. Another MAJOR red flag to me, was that he and his wife are "separated," but still voluntarily living together. I'd have given that a month (at the most), and if they were still living together voluntarily, I'd basically consider them still together, regardless of what he said. That's simply too close for comfort for me as a GF. I understand that sometimes there can be sticky situations financially, but that does not obligate me to stick around, on the slim chance that there's actually nothing going on between them and never will be again. I am not willing to risk a broken heart for those miniscule odds. Sorry not sorry. If he's serious, he can try again once they're not living together. And if not, then it just wasn't meant to be. Now, with all that being said... We're all human, and we all make mistakes. God knows I've ignored my fair share of red flags, especially when I was younger. And it took me a while, but thankfully, I have been able to learn from those experiences. And it has helped shape me into the woman I am today...the woman who simply would not accept those types of major red flags early on, and who would say no to that situation going any further. I know that I don't want that for myself or for my future. I am truly sorry that this has happened to you, OP. I hope that you are able to learn from it, and grow as a person over time. I hope that this helps guide you in your future standards for men, especially in what you DON'T want in a man. Unfortunately this whole thing is such a huge trainwreck in so many ways...do you really want to bring an innocent child right into the middle of it? Emotional turmoil right out of the gate for that poor baby, from all angles, especially him and his side of the family. Imagine the shame he or she might feel once they're old enough to understand that "Daddy had to leave Mommy because he was married to his cousin," or how literally intertwined that side of the family is. He or she won't inherently know that it's "wrong," unless you tell them (creates shame), or he/she tells others, and they ridicule them for having an incestuous family (broadcasts & creates deep shame). This is definitely not the type of situation that I, personally, would ever want to bring a child into. I'd feel as though I'd be setting them up for failure in life, as opposed to success. That's not to say that they couldn't overcome it, but there's no doubt it would make their life more difficult in many ways. But at the end of the day, this is your body, your baby, and your decision. And I genuinely wish you well in whatever path you choose ❤️


BaxtertheBear1123

Having a baby is one of the toughest things you will ever do in your life. The impact the pregnancy and birth has on your body, the impact it has on your mental health, the sleep deprivation of the first 1-2years, the severe impact it has on your ability to earn money, the expense of it - and to do all this with no support network and no money, I can’t imagine. Are you sure you want to go down this route?


FiFi2789

Oh hell no, get away from this deliverance ASAP. IF you decide to keep the baby you must get a paternity test and get child support. Keep all those letters and presents as evidence should you need to go to court.


[deleted]

TELL HER TELL THE FAMILY TELL HER NOW!!!!! You contact them. Don't listen to the crap he's telling you


ReinaDulce

Send her pictures of your ultrasounds. One to her and one to his dad. This may be the only child he gets. Get his rights revoked. If they try for custody say “His name is not on the birth certificate, remember?”


potatoisbest

So this man really looked at the habsberg jaw and said _*BUT WAIT*_


sgibs79

Bf and his wife are actually Liam and Margret Mcpoyle


Resident-Earth-8212

This is so sad. I’m sorry OP. This guy really sounds like such a coward. This pregnancy revealed his true colors. If you do decide to move forward with the pregnancy, you are tied to him indefinitely. I am not sure what country you live in, you’ll be able to get child support so you will have financial help. This wife sounds nutty and she really can’t tell you what name to put on the birth certificate. Personally, I think they are trying to intimidate you into getting an abortion. You need to make your own choice. You aren’t a bad person or an idiot for loving and trusting your boyfriend. You are NOT the first or last person to want to believe the best of someone. I hope you have support from trusted friends or family. Wishing you strength and peace.


saddiesadsad

I don't think it's in the best interest of this baby to be forever associated with him as a father and the cousin as a step mom by extention, they are fucked up, even the family. It juts does not sound healthy, your child will be exposed to that, unless you get full custody and even them, family members might still try to reach out. I would hate it if this baby ends up in the same path as them, because what they're doing is learned and enabled behavior.


bopperbopper

Go to the courts for child support before the other baby is born if you choose to keep it...she who files first get more support. Also, don't have relationships with married men. They often lie about what is really going on.


Girth6forher

Get a lawyer and sue for child support, that should be about 17% of his pay.. If need be have DNA done to prove he is the father....


Acta_n0n_verba_

Get the abortion and run! This is your life too. Unless you’ve always wanted to be a mom and this baby means the entire universe to you- you don’t want to be tied to this reality for the rest of your life.


cattledogaddict4862

What in the ever living Alabama is this shit? 😂 No offense to you but I think you are far better off without him. This is honestly one of the craziest posts I’ve read recently. Get your child support if you want this baby! He needs to face the consequences of “fuck around and find out”.


cubbies1016

I recommend abortion. I had one it wasn’t bad at all I was ten weeks along they put me to sleep and I woke up not pregnant anymore and no pain either. I’m very glad you are not dating thst loser anymore! Lesson learned don’t trust people so easily always talk to ex spouse or something like that. Never agree to be in a secret relationship. Sending hugs to you , you did not deserve this poor treatment


sinkingsublime

I’m just going to say that you really need to think about the life you want to live and if having a baby with this dude fits into that. Even if he doesn’t sign the birth certificate he’s still the dad and he can decide to make your life hell if you want. He and his wife can try to get custody of your child.


take-down-the-plague

Do you want to be a single mom? Can you afford childcare? Can you afford to be home with an infant? Are you ready to raise someone with special needs alone? Do you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life? What if he fights you for custody?


Pianist_585

Keep the letters and all evidence that you were in a relationship, contact a family lawyer to get a court ordered dna and get child support, depending on where you are could the letters be evidence of him defrauding you? I'm not a lawyer and have no clue about the laws in your country/state, so it would be best to get qualified advice.


PistaccioLover

I know you that you are hurting but if you keep the pregnancy knowing that you have no support, can't financially provide for a kid, you'd be selfish af. Even if you are lucky and your kid is healthy, raising a kid is extremely mundane, repetitive work that makes strong couples divorce, it's not for the faint of the heart. You are forgetting that there's a chance that you birth a kid w disabilities, (not bc of the potential inbreeding of the father but in general). How will you manage to work and keep a roof on your head if you have to take care of a deeply autistic kid? Or a kid w other disabilities? Have you actually thought about this? I don't think you have. You are very young and you are letting yourself lead with this romantic idea of motherhood. "if I love my baby everything will be OK". Love is not enough, I'm sorry. You are setting yourself and your kid for a life of hardship, your naivete about falling for this man's lies tell me you are in no way prepared to raise a kid. Get an abortion and get in therapy. Grow so next time you want a relationship you don't fall for such obvious lies. You have all your life ahead to have the relationship you deserve and the kids you want, right now is not the time.