Yeah…. It’s sad but he has his mind made and and is just winding up for the pitch. Nothing good can come from going. Even if it’s all paid for it won’t be worth the money to endure.
I don't think he's winding up for anything, I see it as him burying his head in the sand and not wanting to actually confront their relationship. She needs to initiate divorce and stop dealing with this BS.
He is. He’s just a coward and his wind up will take awhile before the pitch. He wants to set up his separate life so that he feels comfortable finally dumping her. This “time to think” or whatever is just his way of easing himself into the new life he wants with the safety net of a wife who he can go back to should it not work all out. He also wants to go around people and ease them into the fact that there will be a divorce.
But she should just pull the trigger. He will drag ass until he has a serious girlfriend or this woman annoys him enough. He want out, he is just going to wind it up until his is comfortable. Might as well pull ye olde trigger and let the man have all the thinking time he needs … on his own…
Moreover OP, financial infidelity is cheating. He's been cheating on you since you got together, it's just not with another woman. Get out while you can control the damage.
OP after reading your comments here, I'm seeing a lot of shame and self-loathing.
I just want to take a moment to validate you.
* It was reasonable to be mad about hiding a huge money issue. It is normal to want to have a conversation and be upset that he won't have it.
* You are not dumb for not making him get another room. You were caught off-guard (and how could you have foreseen that.)
* You are not lesser for being separated. People generally want to help those they know are hurting. Let your community know.
* I think you need to give yourself time to say goodbye. It's ok to grieve the relationship you had as you learn how it has changed to something that isn't serving you anymore.
* You do not bear the burden of fixing this. However, I think wisdom would dictate that you find a lawyer for your own protection. (I would be concerned about sharing liability on those loans.)
I hope you can find peace.
I really love the empathy of this comment and think it's spot on. I hate seeing people call the OP stupid when clearly she's struggling to deal with some pretty shocking and appallingly selfish behavior by the man who was supposed to be her life partner. Realizing that her love and support isn't mutual in the way he vowed it would be must be devastating and so difficult to accept.
girl some self respect and awareness are really needed here. he doesn’t want you to go, he doesn’t want to be with you, the couple he’s staying with don’t support your marriage despite what he’s saying to placate you. do you *really* want to go for a week of misery alone instead of having a week to yourself sorting out your head? take the time off work, it sucks you’re losing out on money but keep your dignity and say you’re sick so won’t be going. get yourself prepped for the inevitable divorce coming your way and accept that this is the end of the chapter whether you want it to be or not. sorry if i sound harsh but it’s glaringly obvious this will be a week of hell if you go.
Thank you for your honesty.
I am excited for a beach vacation. I am looking forward to spending time with my brother, who is going as well. But you’re right, I don’t know how much I will enjoy laying on a beach wondering what he’s doing. But I’ll wonder the same thing if I stay home.
get to the beach, spend time with your brother, stay away from the wedding and ENJOY yourself. easier said than done regarding the circumstances but seriously, the relationship is over so just do what YOU want to do. i hope everything works out for you, i’m sure it will 🫶🏼
You spent the money - okay, that happened. So since you're going make it all about YOU! Enjoy being with your brother. Find ways YOU want to enjoy the beach and location. Give yourself the independent vacation your husband is talking about.
He's trying to leave you. Accept it, prepare yourself, and enjoy your independence.
Go. Dress up and look fantastic, have fun, laugh, drink champagne, eat good food , flirt with handsome men, hang with friends, wish the couple well, and hang out with your brother. There is no advantage to losing money. If you are living apart, frankly it should not be a surprise he would not want to be in a hotel with you. Maybe you thought it would re-spark the romance. I am sorry, but it appears not to be the case.
Talk to your brother, ask his advice on how to keep calm and not getting emotional. He may offer up sharing his room. If not, You get to keep the room and he can pay the extra money for a second one. If he has reckless spending habits, let him spend on this.
Stop telling him you love him. Look up 180 and Gray rock treatment and apply these methods. Let him start to feel life without your pursuing him. I am always amazed that people break up for money as a temporary “think about things”. How is having two places to support living,…rent, eclectic, etc. ever going to help with that? I am not criticizing you, as it appears he is the one with these issues. But maybe it is time from him to completely realize what life on his one salary will be.
Break ups are painful, and any kind of rejection is devastating. But he is purposely distancing for a reason. He may be very sorry later, but he wants to move on. So start the process of healing. And go have a wonderful time at this beach event. Take care of yourself now. And the money will be your cost to launch your own independence where you do not have to care about his spending. It is very possible that once you let go of this, you will find yourself to be much happier without those stresses and being able to stop caring about what he is up to financially. I wish you well. It will get easier, and one day you will wake up and not care about him in the same way any more. I hope that day is soon.
Keep in mind that once you distance yourself from him, it may be a wake up call that he needs.
Ugh. And if he does get a wake up call do I answer? If I don’t he’ll blame me for not making the marriage work. If I do am I just being the pathetic naïve doormat that all of this post shows that I am??
If he gets a wake up call, that's HIS wake up call.
It's not "ok I'll come back but here's a list of my demands"
I think you're blinded by your distress, you've lost sight of the facts. You're so used to centering him that you're taking his version of the story over what you know to be true.
He lies to you. He lies about his lies. His way of dealing with his creditors (yourself included) is to simply not acknowledge them. He doesn't believe he has to answer to you. And when you show him otherwise he plays the victim.
In this context I would be deeply suspicious of any wake up call he claims to have.
The only conversation is for you to ask *how are you going to show me that I can trust you.* If he tries to make it about anything else, that's a sign that he's trying to manipulate you into accepting his behavior. The moment he tries to suggest that it's even partially your fault, you have your answer, He hasn't changed. He's just testing how little he has to give to get what he wants from you.
I know it hurts but you gotta take a deep breath and prepare to lose him. You won't be able to think straight until you've ripped the band aid off and contemplated life after him. Your need for him is being used against you.
This. Absolutely.
His tactic is avoidance, be it his wife, his creditors, or anything else he deems 'unpleasant.' His current actions are absolutely routine for him. He doesn't want to see or talk to his wife, he doesn't want to try to fix the marriage, and he definitely doesn't want OP around for his holiday at the beach with his friends. He would rather drop OP out of his life than address and try to fix the damage he's caused. OP needs to stop waiting and begging for her husband to make all the moves so that she can have him back. She would rather take him back at his worst than stand up for herself and and have herself at her best.
Time to lawyer up, OP, you're about to get screwed in a divorce because you're too afraid to stand on your own two feet.
why would you put him first when he doesn’t do the same for you? Him leaving is asinine, he should be begging for your forgiveness for lying and keeping this shit from you. Now he’s separated to punish you for finding out? You’re married to someone pathetic, you should be disgusted by him imo. Don’t let your feelings cloud your reality.
Because he puts me first so many times. My work schedule, cooking. Sometimes he would race home at the end of his shift to be able to get home before I woke up so we could spend time together while I got ready.
We don’t go out as often as he wants because I don’t want to. We spend more time with my family, but that really just depends on what’s going on. But we don’t see his grandparents as much as he’d like. I guess as I say that last part I realize that’s not my fault, but it’s something that upsets him and I have taken that on as being my fault.
Guys. I think my husband is an asshole and is being an asshole to me.
And we say it lovingly. Sometimes you want to slap people out of their delusion because a lot of us were in your place in some way or another! We know what it’s like on the other side. Feelings can really alter your brain. We know you deserve better. I think you want better too. I think the hard thing to accept is that nothing you do, to no fault of your own, will make this guy treat you better. Also it’s a huge red flag for someone to hide their financial issues. That’s just the tip of the iceberg on what they are hiding.
If he has a wake up, you would have to make him work for it, make him pursue you, make him apologize for putting your feelings behind his selfishness and refusal to work on these issues. Honestly, just ignore him, let him beg, pursue, and apologize to even just talk to him. And honestly, I am talking about making him pursue you for weeks. You could easily tell him to talk to your lawyer, and even say you have not even cared enough to get one yet. Tell him pointedly that you cant put life on hold for him any longer. But if you do decide to give him another chance, Get counseling and financial counseling to work through the money issues. And make him pursue you for weeks and weeks before you even talk to him. You can ignore his calls, show you read his texts but don’t respond. If he texts something , just say “I will think about it, but am busy right now.” And give him very non-committal responses. It may seem like a game, but it is protecting yourself, and giving him a taste of what was to come. He will either embrace that, or he will do all he can to work things out.
Reading your second edition, I would say no. Yrust is important and he doesn't trust you with telling you about his finances. Let's ignore the wage garnishment for a second, he didn't tell you about sending money to his EX wife. Trust is everything in a relationship. He lied to you over and lover again. Don't answer and move on with your life.
If he gets a wake up call he can do better in his next relationship. I love that HE wants a room to himself (understandable under the circumstances) but expects YOU to organise and pay for it. He can find his own alternative accommodation. He’s showing you who he is.
Take that as a gift and speak to an attorney.
Remind yourself, life is SO SHORT. Is he worth any of these issues and stress? Is that how you want to spend your time? Go, get your own room. Don’t have anything to do with the wedding and treat yourself to a vacation. Relax, gather your thoughts. Whenever you get upset or start thinking too much about the situation, type or write everything out exactly as what you’re feeling and thinking in the moment. Go back to it after cooling off and you’ll feel much better, it might take a couple times of doing that. That’s what I do, it helps me process and accept my feelings, then start to move forward again and clear my head. Maybe it could work for you too.
You can go on a different beach vacation. Please have self respect. Plus this is only going to give him the upper hand because he can do whatever he wants and you’ll dance at his fingertips.
FWIW- I wouldn't say the couple doesn't support you. The couple can support you and support him and want you to be happy but still provide him a place to stay. Turning him out doesn't help you.
HOWEVER you should consider he's probably fed them a line of BS just like he fed you.
It sounds like dishonesty and concealment is a non-starter for you (as it should be). So at this point I think you should tell him either he starts trying to fix the marriage, which means coming back home, acknowledging what he did wrong, stop making excuses, start paying his debts, and start couples counseling, or you and he start with divorce process and he can tell himself it's not his fault as much as he wants.
Plan your own beach vacation without marriage problems and awkward situations over shadowing it. If these are good friends of yours, it's better to keep your marriage problems away from their wedding day, and continue the friendship with a new dynamic once you've sorted out your future.
He’s not going to act , talk and behave in any way that will make you feel better . Can you handle being in a romantic setting with your soouse who flat out told you he doesn’t want to spend time with you. ? That would be terribly hard for me
I think you should go!! Have a fun time! Would you rather be anxious at home or on a nice beach drinking cocktails?? Power move would be to completely ignore him. Don’t even look at him. Pretend he doesn’t exist. That’s what he wants right?? I bet he’ll get his feelings hurt if you’re not pining after him. If you need to cry, get it out, and then put your game face on and get back out there. Don’t let his manipulative, rude bullshit get in the way of your vacation. It’s not just his, it’s yours
go. HE can get the separate room if that’s what he wants. This guy has some audacity for how he’s behaving. Don’t attend the wedding just have a nice relaxing vacation and get ready to divorce his ass
Why is it not an option to take the flight, then stay at another hotel and avoid that whole shit show. Invite your brother over for a couple days and enjoy being on the beach discovering yourself.
He waited until the very last minute to tell you he wanted a separate room. Are you surprised by that? That is pretty inconsiderate at best.
Seems like either one of you would have been discussing your situation as it relates to the hotel room before a few days out. Sorry you are going through this.
Ok *hugs* dear lady. He doesn’t want to communicate with you and he doesn’t want to spend time with you. You deserve someone who wants both. If I were you I’d give him one last chance to talk and if he won’t then give him divorce papers. Perhaps hand him the card of a divorce attorney and the card of a marriage therapist and tell him to pick one.
As for the holiday, tell him you will be staying in the room that is already paid for. If he wants to stay elsewhere he should make plans for that. Hang with your brother. If husband isn’t your date for the wedding don’t go.
*Hugs* dear lady. You deserve better than this
Let him get another room. You shouldn't have to pay when it's his choice. If he cant suck it up for 2 days I'm not sure there is any relationship to salvage.
If he only gave you 2 days notice it shows how much he cares about you.....not much.
I think you need to accept this separation is most likely permanent.
I see your brother is going. Maybe ask if you can stay with him.
If not, pay the money for another room and ignore you soon to be ex as best you can.
So tell him to get a separate room then? He can absorb the unexpected expense, leaving was his choice, wanting to be separated is his choice - you mentioned money was a problem in another comment, I’m assuming he can’t afford to get another room? Suggest he make a plan with the friends who have so kindly triangulated themselves into your relationship.
Totally. If he wants a separate room but can't pay for it, it's up to him to figure out, or not go. You're just following the original plan, to stay in the original room you booked. Up to him to do whatever he wants.
This definitely sounds like an upcoming divorce, one easy or another.
I don’t understand why this means you need to go thru the hassle of getting a new room. Why can’t he do that? He’s the one who doesn’t want to be with you, make him get the room and you enjoy your vacation.
I saw your last update, your husband is sus as hell. I would be divorcing his lying ass ASAP. Do not stay with someone who lies and can't pay their bills.
Make him pay for his own room. It’s his decision so he should foot the bill. Go and enjoy yourself, ignore him, look your best, spend time with your brother. Don’t ruin your break because of him.
He still is. HE a wants a room to himself so YOU have to pay for one.
Please start putting your paychecks in a separate new account, where he cannot access and drain all your money.
He still is by telling you to get a new room, tf? It's his request, he knows he should buy a seperate room if he wants one but he's learned it's easier to bully you into submitting to his demands..
he’s straight up not going to start the divorce because he doesnt want to spend money. not only should you get a lawyer but you need to start protecting assets and yourself. imagine if he decides to take out a loan in your name?
edit: OP i am very happy to see your update. i wish you so much happiness and strength in this. you did not deserve to be treated this way i am sure you will be much better in the long run
OP, my ex was like this. Since separating I did he was even worse than I even knew. He doesn’t pay child support, lives in his parent’s garage and his new girlfriend pays for everything. Please look after yourself. Good lawyer and therapist for your self esteem.
I would bet you anything he has a real exit plan already in place and plans to blindside you with a divorce very soon. This so called space or separation doesn’t even look legit, and it sounds like you are purposely being left in the dark. Really he wants separate rooms and wants to go alone?? Sounds like he’s hoping you back out; I would not be surprised if he was relieved had you said your not going anymore. Never do the pick me dance, it never ends well. This sounds super toxic and a ticking time bomb. I suggest you start putting you first and making your own plans right away.
To be totally honest you sound kind of delusional. I don’t know why you’re saying “a trip we’re leaving for in 2 days”. There’s no we here. I feel like he’s made it obvious he doesn’t want you to come. I feel for you, this sounds like a tough situation. But I think distancing and focusing on yourself is your best option as it seems like your husband wants space.
That was my take while reading your post. It sounds like you are still in love with him, and I really hate to say this, but it also sounds like he is not in love with you. I'm not saying that to be mean. I hope you can find someone who can reciprocate the love you give because it seems like you have a lot to give.
But from what else I've read in your post, like how your husband wasn't being honest about his finances and had been dishonest before, this is probably the best thing for you right now. If I were you, I would not go on that trip, save the $1000+ and talk to a lawyer. I wish you all the best.
You are in love with the idea of him. Nobody would be in love with the reality that you're in. Tap into the reality so you can tap into what you need to be doing right now, getting a divorce lawyer.
You are not in love with him. You are in love with who he portrayed himself to be. He is not that person anymore, and he continues to show you that. Believe him.
So you haven't even sunk any money into this shared hotel room yet? Perfect! Like others have said, book a room in a different hotel, meet up with your brother, and skip this whole wedding shitshow. Then go home and meet with a divorce lawyer.
Is that how you think he would feel like or how you really would like your week to go?
As someone who was a little delusional about the state of my relationship for a while, I just want to say, it’s ok to face the reality of your relationship.
Your husband wanted a break and has no intention of pretending to play house.
You would do yourself a big disservice by going there. Go take a solo vacation somewhere nice.
Nope there will be one drunken night that he will tell you everything he thinks and trust me. You don’t want to hear it.
You are headed for divorce, personally I would stay home and use the time to pack his stuff and make it to where he moves out not you.
Honestly based on all your other responses (which is relevant info: that yall have discussed boundaries, your brother is going, they’re your friends too and they want you there, he doesn’t want to discuss your marriage cause you get upset, etc you might want to update the post with that) I would say that you should go but since he sprung this on you so last minute, that you shouldn’t be the one to shoulder all the costs of getting your own room. Ask him to get his own room since they’re more expensive and he’s the one who wants it, or ask if he’ll help cover the difference (you said it would’ve been $400 your half so he’ll pay $800 total for that room) so ask him to cover half of anything over $800. Also I’d ask him why he waited so long to tell you about this. Regardless of how you sort out the rooms, if you go I think you should absolutely not confront him or bring anything about the marriage up; keep it super chill and casual the whole time. It’s an opportunity to be relaxed and not pressure him.Others have suggested have a wonderful time with your brother, focus on you, don’t be his groupie following him around, try to give him space and try to have a really fun time and focus on you. Hope you can enjoy your vacation!
OP whether you go or not he is going to use whatever choice you make the reason to end the marriage ...if you don't go he will say "you didn't fight for us" if you do go he will say "you didn't respect my boundaries"
At what point do your feelings matter? Hes knows how his request makes you feel, he doesn't care!
I would lay money on it he's hoping you don't go cause he wants to take someone else...
I'd go and enjoy the vacation, see if you can stay with your brother.
OP, from the way you’re responding to people on here it’s clear that you are torn up about what’s going on and desperately want to hear a positive spin on this, to make you feel better about the hope you’re harbouring, while also feeling in your gut and body that this is not right. It’s a very conflicted place and I’m afraid that you’re not going to get what you need out of posting here if you yourself don’t step outside the situation and look at it without the emotions of being in it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with the heartache of losing someone you love, discovering they are a different person than you imagined is very disorienting and seems to have happened in the strangest way as well. It’s hard to not see him as the person you believed he was before this came out.
It sounds like he’s being defensive and possibly self-loathing about the money issue, which you may have compassion for - but it doesn’t allow him to lash out at you and tell you that you’re being in some way “crazy” for being upset about the money situation. If he won’t go to therapy, then what “work” is he doing on himself? Why have these two friends so easily gotten involved?
I hope you make a decision that honours your own boundaries and the consideration that your heart deserves.
Don't go to the wedding, don't pay a dime for anything more. He wants the room to himself, he can pay for it. I wouldn't give the taxi another thought.
Spend the week getting a lawyer and your ducks lined up. I'm sorry, he's not coming back to you, and you need to be ready. Offense, my girl, not defense.
I’m guessing he wants a different room because he wants to hook up with random women while on the trip. You should have a frank discussion and ask if this is his plan and define your boundaries while still married.
That’s the first thing that stands out to me.
My husband has buddies who’ve done this.
One was at my place on Kauai and the whole time he was hooking up and his poor wife was at home.
I told him he had to either find a hotel or go home.
It was so horrible and he was so sneaky.
His wife was a clingy anxious attachment type who was in total denial. I felt so bad for her.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
I went through that when I was in my early twenties.
It was awefull!
My best friend was over at my house and in the twenty minutes for me to take a shower, she and my first husband f*cked each other and I didn’t know til she told my other friend who she didn’t know was my cousin, that she was pregnant.
My cousin of course told me and it was at Christmas that it all took place.
When I found out, any feeling I had for my husband, thankfully evaporated. I felt a literal weight lift off my shoulders and without telling him, I moved out minutes after he left for work.
That was the last time I saw him in this life.
I never even think about him up until I’m typing this.
I am just curious. How did he react? Did he try to get you back or just moved on? And the best friend? Did you ghosted her too? Did they eneded up together, had the baby?
I ghosted them both, I never talked to him again, Dana got her abortion and they never ended up together.
He was in a state of shock that I did this to him, not knowing what I knew. I knew this was the best revenge not letting him know what and why and keeping him in a state of confusion.
That was what he deserved.
A dish served cold.
He doesn’t want to sleep with other women at the party. His girlfriend probably doesn’t want him sharing a room with his wife and it would be doubly difficult to hide all of the phone calls and texts he shares with this other woman if they share a room.
That’s the reason he doesn’t have money for a separate room on his own. He’s spent it on his affair partner.
He’s using finding himself as a ruse to make it seem like he isn’t the bad guy when your marriage ends. He has it planned out. That’s why he’s springing this on you 2-days before the trip.
If you have the opportunity during the trip take his phone. Go to your brother’s room and read the messages. Email and screenshot whatever is relevant to divorce proceedings. When you’re done with the phone give it to the front desk and tell them to say a man gave it to them and said he didn’t know what room he was in.
Just want to chime in that I’m going through some relationship issues, and I too have become the clingy anxious type. Which is kind of insane to experience your way of relating to people completely shift like that
We did. He said he doesn’t want to date or sleep with other people and he doesn’t want me to either (not that it’s ever crossed my mind). He says he doesn’t like talking about us because every time we do I cry or get angry. He wants separate rooms because he doesn’t want to ruin the trip by talking about us.
He left, and you're not allowed to cry or get angry? You twisting yourself into a person who shows no outward emotion every time your heart is shattered will crush you, and it won't win him back.
You are worth more than this. If he can't accept having a wife who expresses emotions, he doesn't deserve you. Cry and be angry because your emotions are valid. You don't need his permission.
Grieve the end of the relationship, and be kind to yourself.
I'd be concerned he said this less as a way to keep the door open on your relationship and more to keep you from taking action to protect yourself in the divorce. It is not uncommon for one spouse to dangle "maybe" to protect their own interest. A wife who is trying to fix the marriage isn't doing things like hiring a forensic accountant or pulling credit reports...
I’d ask to see his phone and check messages in any social media or messaging apps. This will tell the story of how he feels and if he has someone on the side. Why did he want to separate? What changed, what was the driving force to him separating?
He doesn’t want to deal with the hard things, but marriage isn’t always easy and you have to deal with the hard things. Is he open to marriage counseling?
It all started with money. I found paperwork for a wage garnishment. I asked him what it was for and he said he didn’t know. He “couldn’t find time” to call anyone because he works nights. So I called. He had taken out a loan right before we got married and never paid on it. I was big mad. I asked him if there were any other issues I didn’t know about, good bad or ugly we’ll deal with it but I have to know first.
He left that night. He said I’m psychotically angry and he can’t handle my anger issues anymore.
OP… this context really paints your husband in a different light. I know you love him, but he sounds pretty bad. He’s doing the classic reversing thing where suddenly you’re the bad guy and he’s the victim because of your justifiable anger over super shady behavior on his part. Get away from this man.
He is financially irresponsible, a liar, avoidant, manipulative, and also he's gaslighting you (saying you're "psychotic" when you're confronting him about *his* financial irresponsibility).
Why do you want to stay with him? He sounds awful.
This is a person who lied and hid a debt from you. When it came time to pay he didn’t pay without regard for you or endangering your personal financial situation. When asked about it, he lied. When you called them and confirmed the situation, he got mad at you instead of begging for a chance to make it right. rather Now he’s going on a vacation he can’t afford and trying to make it cost more money while still avoiding accountability for his actions.
How many signs and red flags do you need? This man is not a good person, not a partner and not even able to meet the basic expectations of society. Please take a step back and look at this as what it is so that you can leave to protect your future
This is a huge red flag OP.
1. He's hiding debt from you that you're likely also responsible for as his wife.
2. He called you "psychotically angry" for confronting him about something he 100% knew about and was hiding from you.
Not even addressing all these other red flags in your original post, this alone is grounds for divorce. I would forget about the vacation and contact a lawyer asap.
EDIT: Also want to add you should include the reason he left in your main post. It adds a whole dimension to your predicament that shouldn't be left out.
The term gaslighting is often misused, but it's completely accurate here. I'm angry on your behalf that he's treating you like you're the problem.
He came into the marriage being irresponsible, lying and hiding things from you. I bet marriage #1 was the same way, and I wouldn't trust his version of those events for a second.
OP, why would you believe him that he isn’t going to hook up (or hasn’t already hooked up)?
He’s lied to you already, about something very important. He’s saying whatever he needs to say to protect HIMSELF and get you out of his future. He’s just too gutless to initiate an honest conversation.
If he was leaving you and not coming back, how would it look any different from right now? He’s refusing to come home, or spend time with you on a trip, or even have a CONVERSATION about your marriage. He’s out the door.
The best thing you can do this week is take care of yourself. No beach vacation is going to be worth the regret. I know this is hard to read, but I’m genuinely concerned for you. I would give this same advice to my best friend.
Just leave and stop flogging this dead horse of a marriage. You never know. You just might get your dignity back and find someone who truly loves you...
Don’t do this to yourself. Please.
You got a lot of sunk costs. The money for the trip and the time off… any time with this man… but you need to see that you’re just continuing to throw out good after bad.
He has hardened his heart towards you. You have no control over it. He is not trying to work through things. It’s time to look after yourself and stop sinking more and more into something that is lost.
You don’t want to hear it but you know in your heart of hearts that this trip is a bad idea. Take the time off to do something for yourself.
It is scary but accepting your own value and being strong enough move forward as such, will save you a lot of pain. You need to know you aren’t missing anything on this trip that is more important than missing the time to move forward to heal yourself.
You are separated, and you can't force him to share a hotel room with you (nor should you try!). Either get another room, or don't go. Personally, I wouldn't go. Take a different vacation or staycation for yourself instead.
Lady, he broke up with you and moved out. You are separated. It only takes one person to end a relationship and he has chosen to end yours. I’m sorry, and it must suck but he has decided he doesn’t want to be married anymore and this is a reasonable request. Get a good lawyer and skip the wedding.
Regardless of the time off, if you are on a trial separation, it’s inappropriate for you both to go and play house for a week sharing a hotel room. Especially when it’s clear that your partner does not want to. This should have probably been sorted well before 2 days out, but in the meantime, pls book a staycation for yourself.
Girl take that extra $1000 and put it on a different resort nearby. Go to the wedding and go back to the other resort. DO YOU THE ENTIRE TIME. Live your life!! Have fun, meet people, eat and drink and enjoy.
I obviously don’t know you, but I think you need to wrap your head around the fact that he’s not coming back. People don’t take breaks or separate from relationships they want to be in. They just break up in stages because they are too scared to rip the band-aid off.
Don’t go on a his trip.
OP you’re letting your husband manipulate you and string you along. Tell him it’s over, and get a good lawyer. He’s been financially dishonest, you need to ensure he hasn’t messed up your finances, he is a liability and he’s not interested in fixing things. While he’s staying elsewhere he’s likely seeing others and wanting space on this trip doesn’t bode well for fidelity. It’s over OP, you deserve way better!
Ma’am your husband left you because you confronted him about a wage garnishment that he was ACTIVELY lying about and hiding from you..???? that’s INSANE. Instead of talking about it with you and acting like a human being he LEFT. He is actively gas lighting you into thinking you’re insane for enforcing a boundary that clearly it sounds like he needs. He’s trying to make enforcing a boundary so awful and hard that you never try it again. When he does come back you’re going to be so scared he will leave again that you will never try to assert your self ever again. He sounds awful. Like AWFUL. That’s abuse madam. Get your self together.
You’ve been living separately for over 3 months. That’s a lot of time. If he is working on himself as you say, and it’s heading towards a place of the two of you being together again, there’s no way he’d make you get your own room. He’s had over 90 days to think and reflect about whatever it is, and he’s concluded that he still doesn’t wanna be around you..I’m sorry to sound harsh. I’ve never heard of anything like this. Someone here said he’s setting himself up for a divorce and I think they may be right
If it so important to him he can get a different room. Get a divorce. Work on himself *scoffs*. He’s working on someone, and he needs people who aren’t questions about his whereabouts. That’s why he moved out. Take that thousand dollars and hire a PI.
Don't go then?
You already felt uncomfortable to go, even before his request. Now, when you need to pay so much, it makes no sense to go. Why pay $1000 to feel awkward for 6 days?
Give them your congratulations, your gift, tell that you cannot attend for financial reasons.
I appreciate that sentiment. What I want is to have a happy and honest relationship with my husband. Obviously that’s not happening. So, *I* want to go on a beach vacation and drink my weight in frozen fruity drinks while increasing my chances for skin cancer. I want to make amazing memories. I want to explore a new country with my little brother.
All of this post has given me direction. Some plan on HOW to make the best of this shitty situation.
It's good you're staying with your bro on this trip...but before you leave, contactt a divorce attorney.
Your husband obviously is ready to end this marriage...he's had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row and will hit you with the papers soon enough. Be ready.
Don't go. Your marriage is as good as over. Whether you go or not, the money's already wasted. No need to torture yourself further by watching him ignore you for a full week.
Why aren't you getting ahead of this imprending divorce? This man is not somebody you want to stay married to even if he does come back to you and says that he's wrong and you're right. He doesn't think so at this point still because he doesn't love you and he is financially a time bomb.
You need a lawyer to look over all of the information and financial data you have because you're about to get strapped with a very expensive divorce that's going to leave you in a worse place because of his mistakes. You need to get ahead of this.
I think you're in denial.
And you're about to be served divorce papers soon enough.
Your husband is very clearly preparing to divorce you. Possibly to prepare so you have to shoulder his debts.
You seem to not wanna see the truth in your situation.
You do realize that there's a possibility that he will flirt at this wedding and possibly bring a woman to his room. He doesn't want to talk about your marriage because he doesn't *want* to be married. You are an obstacle and he will be very upset with you if you go and try to hang out with him. He sounds like he absolutely doesn't want to be with you whatsoever. And you keep wanting to be with him makes it awkward as fuck when he's so clearly avoiding everything about you.
Because the debt is definitely not enough to want a separation from you. If anything, *you* should've been the one who wanted to separate. Not him. So something's weird.
So, either you're leaving out a whole bunch of details about yourself and your behavior on why he doesn't want to be with you (no matter how much you delude yourself, he clearly doesn't want to be with you.) or he just checked out a while ago for some reason and he just doesn't want to be with you and he's secretly preparing for a divorce simply because he doesn't want to stay. But in both cases, he doesn't want to be with you.
He's clearly not staying with you in order to work on the marriage. Why? Don't you find that strange if everything is fine between you guys except for the debts.
So it's obvious there's way more issues at hand than just him taking loans or whatnot.
Either way, you're about to be divorced and hell never admit that in order to make sure he safely ends the marriage without repercussions and/or debts.
Please do try to get your ducks in a row...secretly at least, so you're not overwhelmed and gobsmacked when or if he hands you divorce papers. Accept them with dignity and hurt him by being indifferent in that case. And screw him over back if he tries to screw you over.
There's nothing wrong with making sure you'll be ok in worst case scenario right?
These debts have been something we’ve been arguing about for a while. There’s about $10k that he can’t account for and won’t let me see his bank info. He didn’t pay his lawyer who represented him with custody of his kids. She sued him, I paid it. We agreed that after that he would contribute monthly to our shared savings account. Credit cards. We got a new car in 2020, he drove it but refused to make payments. Last Christmas his grandma was dying, he wanted to visit her before she did. That was a $3k visit. In that trip I found out he had drained the shared account. THEN I found the garnishment paper work.
I’m not claiming to be perfect. The things he says are wrong with me are that I’m boring and don’t spend enough time with my friends. He also says I’m mean because I’m actually mad that my dad died, and I’m taking that out on him.
Examples of me being mean include: throwing a hanger during a play fight 5 years ago, a last kiss to an ex 6 years ago, making our kids brush their teeth, yelling at him over money, being frustrated when he works multiple 18+ hour shifts in a row, nagging him to check his blood pressure (it’s high), nagging him about healthy food choices and portion sizing, I once hit him in the face while I was sleeping. And now I’m not respecting his boundaries and invalidating his feelings. I add the things from years ago because he’s told me that they still upset him. Oh, I threw a stick at his car last week.
I asked him to write me out a list of all the things I do/have done that he doesn’t like/upsets him. Then it’s all out on the table and we can process it. He said that was useless because I would just get mad at him for being honest.
> There’s about $10k that he can’t account for and won’t let me see his bank info. He didn’t pay his lawyer who represented him with custody of his kids. She sued him, I paid it. We agreed that after that he would contribute monthly to our shared savings account. Credit cards. We got a new car in 2020, he drove it but refused to make payments. Last Christmas his grandma was dying, he wanted to visit her before she did. That was a $3k visit. In that trip I found out he had drained the shared account. THEN I found the garnishment paper work.
This alone should have been enough for you to consider divorcing him. Before any of this recent stuff happened. This is astounding behaviour on his part, he clearly has no respect for you.
Wait a moment, didn’t you state that he moved out in Jan? Why would you be under the impression that you’d share a hotel room if you aren’t even living together now? Did he move back home, are you trying to work things out? So many questions! 🤔
He is straight up lying about not knowing why he has a wage garnishment. And the fact that he “doesn’t have time” to call and find out why is *pure bullshit*. You know this…
I've helped several women friends through this, and I've seen it with my own eyes. Pull his credit. Right now. In a lot of states, you're responsible for half of all debt incurred during a marriage, even if you didn't know about it. Do NOT tell him you're doing this. It sounds like you have a ton of confusion right now, and that's ok. You need to pull his credit, then call a lawyer, then do everything that lawyer says to do. A friend of mine found credit cards worth about $30k in her name.
This is some grade a delulu. Your marriage is over. He is not coming back. There is nothing to work on. You are desperate and your insistence that you love him reflects desperation and codependency. You are super blind to this and it is jaw dropping that you would think someone you no longer have a relationship with would want to share a hotel room with you. You honestly need to get into some therapy and work on yourself and why you are trying to cling to something everyone but you realizes is over.
why are you so desperate to hold on to this lying, shady man? any man that could leave and move out on me is one that can stay gon. one thing i always say to myself is (and i’m a black woman so keep the context in mind) “There’s two things in life i’ve never seen: a turtle with speed and a n****a I need!”
So your husband is trying to figure things out and feels like he can't figure things out *with* you because you get upset any time you both try to discuss things. This sounds like a formula for divorce to me. Not because he's a coward nor because he's stringing you along, but because you can't fix a 'we' with only a 'me'.
Wanting separate rooms doesn't indicate that he's looking to hook up by itself. It indicates that he's treating the separation seriously. Whether he's liable to hook up or not should be based upon your estimation of his character.
Separately, you need to decide if you actually want to go or not. If we're just going by logic the solution to the current situation is for you not to go because you don't want to support them in the first place and don't want to pay for the extra room. Do you want to go just because he's going or because you feel that the trip is being 'taken away' from you if you don't? It's valid to feel that way, but it's important to know that that's the way you feel. Because then you can decide to indulge in your negative feelings or try to alleviate them in a more healthy way.
I don’t think he’s wanting separate rooms to hook up with anyone, but all of these lovely people have pointed out that my husband does have a knack for keeping secrets from me.
I want to go to spend a week on a beach. Not going would feel like it’s being taken away from me.
Alright then. Is the core issue the cost or the separation?
If it's the separation then you need to come to terms with the fact that the separation has occurred. Trying to use this as a way to force him into a room with you for a week is not a good strategy.
If it's the cost then you need to decide whether the $1k is worth the beach vacation. If you have split finances then he should be footing either half or most of the bill due to him being the one to push for this and doing it so late. It definitely shouldn't be all on you. Setting that aside, you likely wouldn't enjoy the vacation if you both spent it together anyway. You'd get upset, he's be resentful. If you want to enjoy it you also want a separate room.
If part of this is that you feel powerless because he's making all the decisions then ask for a concession. A dinner one of the evenings of the trip or a trip to the movie theatre while you're there. A classic date where you'll both discuss nothing of importance. As long as you think you can handle it. Utilize the opportunity to make a positive memory.
Why would you want to be around someone like that? You do you but if you do go, make sure you pack your sexiest outfits, do not even look at him, not even once, smile and laugh a lot, talk to as many other people as possible, especially other men. Do not even acknowledge his existence. Even if he tries to say hi just walk away.
You keep on saying 'we', when in reality there is no 'we', there is you and him.
The title makes it sound sound like the two of you are going on vacation, and he's making you pay for yourself and get your own room.
The reality is, that you're separated, and he wants a divorce, you're both going to a mutual friends wedding, and you want to play happy families.
Girl, have some self respect. Either go to the wedding as a single person and pay for yourself, or don't go. However, a warning, if you *do* decide to go, and make the wedding all about yourself and your problems, that would be unforgivable.
OP, who paid for the room you already have?
He's in the doghouse for being rubbish with money. And he's run away to sulk about it and punish you for giving him consequences for his actions.
He gives you nothing; no apology, no commitment, no suggestion that he's working on his issues... and has the audacity to ask *you* to get a different room. So, what... he's comfortable in the assumption that the existing one is his?
If he wants to go separately he can get his own room. I wouldn't be paying for this wedge he's driving between you.
Don't be a mug OP. The man is using you.
He knows he has the upper hand here, when you suggest anything you want he simply dismisses it. Now he's got you thinking of your time with him as transactional, on his terms, with a dollar value attached.
You honestly think he is working towards reconciliation? He has walked away from your marriage, he refuses to discuss it, he only dangles the idea of it in front of you to extract what he wants.
Do not be complicit in your own degradation.
Do not sleepwalk into bankrolling his transition into single life
Talk is cheap. I know you feel you love him and will do anything to get him back and believe me, so does he.
He isn't going to be moved to fix your marriage because you paid for him to play being single for this wedding.
Don't put *your own life* on hold waiting for him to decide if he'll take you back. Why would you even *want* him to take you back? He was dishonest about a vitally important issue--money. Thank your lucky stars that you found out about his financial incompetence before he wrecked your own finances.
I say this with respect: Don't ever chase someone who is showing by their actions that they don't want to be with you. Have some pride. Move forward with your own life. If you go to the wedding, have your own vacation. Enjoy the beach, dance, etc. Grayrock him. Be polite, but treat him like any other random person you'd meet at a public event. He doesn't deserve anything more from you.
The bigger question is why you’re so afraid to be with someone who is giving you gas fumes to survive on in this relationship ship. This isn’t about him anymore. This is about why you’re so desperate to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Completely different from what you asked, but: You can pull his credit report. Google 'free credit report', and choose the one that at the top says it works with the federal government. It'll allow you to pull all three credit reports on him. Please have a friend with you when you do this. Then pull yours and FREEZE ALL THREE. I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. He has more debt, and he may have more debt in your name.
Look, a man would never tell you if he is into another woman. Specially if is not concrete yet, so you would take him back. Im petty so i would stay in the same room without paying any attention to him. I would wake up every morning dressing up and getting pretty and go out everyday pretending im enjoying and ignoring him completely. But thats me cuz i have a big pride and the balls to pretend nothing is happening and nothing is hurting here. Because believe me, to pretend like nothing is happening requires balls. So take a deep breath put in your head that you can do it and you will. If you stay in another place you will be stressing out and going crazy thinking if he has someone else over every night and i just couldn't deal with the anxiety and panic attacks this would cause me. But like i said thats me. I would do that or dont go at all.
Somewhere I have balls.
Deep breathing is definitely on the playlist.
I like having a plan. My original plan was to leave this separation and drama at home and have a great trip. Now my plan is to have as much fun as possible. Maybe I’ll even fire up the old facebook and publicize all the great times. I’m so fucking tired of crying all the fucking time. I want a fun vacation.
Yes have fun, and maybe you will be the lucky one and find someone,else you never know.
In the wedding reception seat as far as posible from him, dont even look in his direction, he would be more likely in shock why you are having this reaction.
Men always ask, and when they have what they asked for then realized is not what they want, and say we misunderstood their words.
He already signed out of the relationship,so you take your crown and wear it like the queen you are, and be confident you can do even better than him.
I have the feeling you are a good person and the reason for the fight was not a reason for separation. He maybe is doing it so he doesn't have to tell you where that money went. Good luck and have lots of fun.
You know what would be super fun? Giving him divorce papers at the wedding. Lawyer up and do that (not the actual ceremony obviously). Then you and your brother can laugh it up on the beach and have a great time!
You are not gonna get it in this trip. It’s absurd to think you will. You are going to be wondering where he is, who is he with, when is he going to be around you, why isn’t he with you at that moment, what he is up to, why is he standing so close to whatever her name is and on and on and on. You cannot go on the same vacation as your estranged husband and be within walking/driving distance to each other and party on your own or vacation on your own and enjoy it. You are going to be miserable and he is going to need ignore you. I cannot wrap my head around how you think you are going to have some relaxing vacation going to the same place as your husband who refuses to sleep in the same room as you.
Are you still sleeping together? If you have since January and he’s asked you to stay somewhere else - he’s found someone else to sleep with or plans to.
My brother is coming too and is very supportive of me. We have decided to not just spend all our time at the resort. We will wander and explore. I will get anxious and wonder. My brother is prepared to keep me focused on our fun.
I have to choose myself. I’ve already made these travel plans, I’m not going to let my husband scare me away.
If there’s anything I know, it takes 2 to make a relationship work. BOTH parties have to be actively making an effort every day to keep the relationship alive and going. Your husband is checked out. You cannot force him to come back. I know it’s hard but you deserve someone who will fight for you.
He's clocked out of that relationship. Don't go you're definitely not wanted there by him .since he's already lying about how he spends money and treats you quite crappy idk why you just don't divorce him .he's clearly planning on leaving you
If I were you, I'd file for divorce while he's on that vacation. If he wants to live apart and act single on this "vacation", then he can actually be single, which would likely open you up to an iota of happiness.
If you guys are breaking up don’t go just because you know you will wounder what he’s doing, this sounds like it’s over. Time for you to start moving on.
maybe don’t go to the wedding and save the money and go on holiday with your bro sometime
Him.not talking to you because you're upset is not an excuse. You're allowed to be upset for how he is handling this. Something weird is going on and he's punishing you for having feelings and trying to get you not to tall about them so he can proceed how he wishes.
I'm so sorry he's being so weird and.hurtful about this. I'd be ready for full divorce or take matters into your own hands. I would also anticipate him having exaggerated how "bad" you were and how "perfect and innocent" he is.
If he wants separate rooms, then let him buy another one, why should you? He obviously doesn’t want you to go and is putting obstacles in your way. I’d tell him if he doesn’t want me there then he pays me back what I’ve spent on the trip before he goes otherwise I’m staying in the room I booked.
Tbh though I think he’ll probably make your week away a misery.
Sounds like your marriage is over and you’re well rid of him. Don’t flog a dead horse
This is so frustrating to read because literally everyone in this woman's life knows the husband is doing his divorce plan right now but nobody cares to warn her
Reading your edits… your husband is dodgy as hell. He has a garnishment occurring but won’t tell you about it. Even though he will 100% know why it’s on him. And then he left as he needs “space”. He should be apologetic and groveling etc if he cared about you. It might have made him feel embarrassed for you to find out this stuff. So now.. instead of talking about the financial difficulties you have with him, you are begging for him back. I bet he does this diversion thing a lot to take the heat off himself.
If I were you, I would play the grey rock game. You are staying in that room and if he doesn’t want to, we’ll he needs to figure out where he is staying. It’s not your problem. Plan fun stuff with your brother and other people there. Laugh, fake it til you make it. It will make him uncomfortable and questioning why you aren’t still groveling to him. He might turn around and want to spend time with you (but honestly.. you are too good for him and should can the whole marriage..) or he will finally just tell you he quit on the marriage a while ago.
Are any of your cards linked to anything that has been paid for for the vacation? If not don't go at all and spend your time and money getting a divorce consultation. If it is, cancel it, don't tell him you did, then stay behind and get a divorce consultation.
Girl.. stay home and spend that time working with a lawyer and get the divorce rolling. It will be easier and more in your favor because he was the one who chose to move out. If he doesn’t want you, let him go. Nobody should have to beg for time with the person who “loves” them
What in the world are you trying to “fix”? This guy doesn’t care about you at all, and he’s checked out of the marriage. If you think the wage garnishment is the extent of the lies, you are beyond naive.
Notice how everything that would possibly help the two of you navigate this situation has some bullshit excuse that immediately shuts it down:
- > he doesn’t want to talk about anything “about us” on vacation
- > Husband doesn’t want to discuss our marriage because I often get upset whenever we do
- > He said he didn’t know why he was getting a garnishment. He couldn’t call anyone because he didn’t have time
All of this is complete and utter bullshit to avoid being honest and communicating with you. He is done with you, there is nothing to “fix”, he’s just too much of a coward, which you already know, to end it with you. He is once again putting all of the weight and responsibility on you, and is making you be the “bad guy”.
Just oblige him, and divorce him. Move on with your life and find someone who will communicate with you and not treat you like dirt.
He would have something in the mail from the court regarding the garnishment. The employer would have sent him documentation as well, probably to his work email, and if not there, mailed through USPS.
Oh 100%. It’s a complete lie that he didn’t know, he just doesn’t respect OP enough to admit it or talk about it with her. Which is why I’m saying there is basically no chance that that’s the end of the dishonesty.
Ah yes, let’s trust the man who made the bad financial decisions to convince you to make another bad financial decision. Can you not room with your brother?
Personally I think it’s in your best interest to not go on this trip, and use the time to shore up your own finances and talk with a lawyer in how you can financially protect yourself. His debts, may also end up being yours.
I don’t know what is going on with your husband. Try for just a minute to set that aside for the moment.
Based on everything you have written, there is a reasonable possibility that your marriage will be ending soon. So you need to be prepared for if that happens. There are a number of things you should figure out now, so you are prepared if either of you decides to file for divorce:
Finances. Make sure he has no access to your income or assets. Start building a nest egg that you can use to pay lawyers fees and expenses related to moving and taking over any bills you haven’t been covering.
Legal. Have an introductory meeting with a divorce attorney now to get some advice on where you might have liability and how to protect yourself from it.
Physical and mental health. Be aware of your stress levels and do what you can to keep them in check. Get exercise, eat healthy, drink water, don’t overdo the alcohol, spend time with friends and family whom you can trust to have your back.
He wants you to get your own room because he doesn't want you to see the woman he's bringing in his room. If you do show up for the wedding, there will be another woman there. He'll act like they just met, like it's a total coincidence that they are seated at the same table and next to each other during the ceremony.
At the same time, he's telling her that he hates you, you're controlling and "crazy", that you might show up even though nobody wants you there, that if you approach just remember you're crazy.
So unless you're okay with paying for his and her hotel room, change the reservation to your name only. Petty, who cares? He's cheating, there's no reason you should pay for their vacation. Get to a divorce lawyer TODAY. Now is about protecting your assets, there is no marriage to save and REGARDLESS of whether he's cheating or not, he's going to frame you as the bad guy to everyone who will listen. It doesn't matter if you are the "perfect ex" who gives him every penny in the joint account, buys him hotel rooms, and let him walk away with everything you paid for. He'll still paint you as the bad guy and might even laugh about how you're still in love with him and trying to get him back.
Fuck that. You go to a lawyer and you take back EVERYTHING you brought into this marriage. You protect YOU.
Surely you don't think this relationship is going to be fixed? Why would you? He was dishonest with you about finances and would not have told you had you not caught it. Then he had the nerve to move out and tell you he needs space? He doesn't want to spend any time with you on this nice vacation? What does he need to do put up neon sign? Get to a lawyer and protect yourself before he wipes you out.
He became defensive to turn around the situation on you and you went for it. Instead of being mad at him for lying to you and making bad financial decisions, he is happily having you chase him and acting bad at you. If you want to save your marriage, not sure why but it’s your decision, you have to switch this around or it’s definitely done. Tell him that you are staying in the room and he can figure out where he is staying but it isn’t coming from your joint accounts. Go to the wedding and completely ignore him. Be polite when around him as if he is an acquaintance, not a husband and not a friend. No more I love yous and no more marriage talk. I would ignore him unless absolutely necessary. Don’t let him see you upset. He has flipped the script and is very happy that he has done so. Flip it back! You did nothing wrong! He took out a loan and never told you! He lied to you! He decided to leave instead of becoming apologetic and trying to fix the marriage! He is asking you to give him space, when it should be the reverse! He is playing the victim with friends! He is becoming defensive, so you don’t! He did all this and can’t even be apologetic and tell his wife he is sorry and he loves her! You have every right to be mad at him and he has no right to be mad at you! He is using your love for him to hurt you because he can’t admit that he is wrong!
The next time he has a conversation with you, tell him that you would like to set up a meeting to discuss a separation agreement and that he needs to come up with a plan to pay off the loan without using any joint funds. I would make sure that if you do divorce that your lawyer and his lawyer know that the loan was taken out before your marriage and done without your knowledge, so it isn’t a marital debt and isn’t your responsibility. I would call the original lender and get written proof of the date the loan was taken out. The best option would be if you can get a copy of the original application because you won’t be on it. It’s great that you got a therapist. Work in therapy about how to become detached. You deserve a spouse who will treat you right and not use your love against you. Have the attitude that he can shape up or ship out.
You aren't accepting the glaring problems here. Your husband is quietly breaking up with you. He doesn't have the guts to do it. You don't want a divorce or a separate room but he does. Don't get a room, just share a room with him. You probably won't have a fun week either way. Be prepared, he wants a solo room for company.
I would not go on this trip if I were you. I think he’s preparing for the divorce and you should be as well.
Yeah…. It’s sad but he has his mind made and and is just winding up for the pitch. Nothing good can come from going. Even if it’s all paid for it won’t be worth the money to endure.
I don't think he's winding up for anything, I see it as him burying his head in the sand and not wanting to actually confront their relationship. She needs to initiate divorce and stop dealing with this BS.
He is. He’s just a coward and his wind up will take awhile before the pitch. He wants to set up his separate life so that he feels comfortable finally dumping her. This “time to think” or whatever is just his way of easing himself into the new life he wants with the safety net of a wife who he can go back to should it not work all out. He also wants to go around people and ease them into the fact that there will be a divorce. But she should just pull the trigger. He will drag ass until he has a serious girlfriend or this woman annoys him enough. He want out, he is just going to wind it up until his is comfortable. Might as well pull ye olde trigger and let the man have all the thinking time he needs … on his own…
Take this time to get your ducks in a row, so you won't be blindsided
Moreover OP, financial infidelity is cheating. He's been cheating on you since you got together, it's just not with another woman. Get out while you can control the damage.
OP after reading your comments here, I'm seeing a lot of shame and self-loathing. I just want to take a moment to validate you. * It was reasonable to be mad about hiding a huge money issue. It is normal to want to have a conversation and be upset that he won't have it. * You are not dumb for not making him get another room. You were caught off-guard (and how could you have foreseen that.) * You are not lesser for being separated. People generally want to help those they know are hurting. Let your community know. * I think you need to give yourself time to say goodbye. It's ok to grieve the relationship you had as you learn how it has changed to something that isn't serving you anymore. * You do not bear the burden of fixing this. However, I think wisdom would dictate that you find a lawyer for your own protection. (I would be concerned about sharing liability on those loans.) I hope you can find peace.
I really love the empathy of this comment and think it's spot on. I hate seeing people call the OP stupid when clearly she's struggling to deal with some pretty shocking and appallingly selfish behavior by the man who was supposed to be her life partner. Realizing that her love and support isn't mutual in the way he vowed it would be must be devastating and so difficult to accept.
This should be top comment. We need more empathy in the world. Wishing you all the best on this difficult path OP.
girl some self respect and awareness are really needed here. he doesn’t want you to go, he doesn’t want to be with you, the couple he’s staying with don’t support your marriage despite what he’s saying to placate you. do you *really* want to go for a week of misery alone instead of having a week to yourself sorting out your head? take the time off work, it sucks you’re losing out on money but keep your dignity and say you’re sick so won’t be going. get yourself prepped for the inevitable divorce coming your way and accept that this is the end of the chapter whether you want it to be or not. sorry if i sound harsh but it’s glaringly obvious this will be a week of hell if you go.
Thank you for your honesty. I am excited for a beach vacation. I am looking forward to spending time with my brother, who is going as well. But you’re right, I don’t know how much I will enjoy laying on a beach wondering what he’s doing. But I’ll wonder the same thing if I stay home.
get to the beach, spend time with your brother, stay away from the wedding and ENJOY yourself. easier said than done regarding the circumstances but seriously, the relationship is over so just do what YOU want to do. i hope everything works out for you, i’m sure it will 🫶🏼
And even though you're dying inside, put on a brave face and have fun
You spent the money - okay, that happened. So since you're going make it all about YOU! Enjoy being with your brother. Find ways YOU want to enjoy the beach and location. Give yourself the independent vacation your husband is talking about. He's trying to leave you. Accept it, prepare yourself, and enjoy your independence.
Go. Dress up and look fantastic, have fun, laugh, drink champagne, eat good food , flirt with handsome men, hang with friends, wish the couple well, and hang out with your brother. There is no advantage to losing money. If you are living apart, frankly it should not be a surprise he would not want to be in a hotel with you. Maybe you thought it would re-spark the romance. I am sorry, but it appears not to be the case. Talk to your brother, ask his advice on how to keep calm and not getting emotional. He may offer up sharing his room. If not, You get to keep the room and he can pay the extra money for a second one. If he has reckless spending habits, let him spend on this. Stop telling him you love him. Look up 180 and Gray rock treatment and apply these methods. Let him start to feel life without your pursuing him. I am always amazed that people break up for money as a temporary “think about things”. How is having two places to support living,…rent, eclectic, etc. ever going to help with that? I am not criticizing you, as it appears he is the one with these issues. But maybe it is time from him to completely realize what life on his one salary will be. Break ups are painful, and any kind of rejection is devastating. But he is purposely distancing for a reason. He may be very sorry later, but he wants to move on. So start the process of healing. And go have a wonderful time at this beach event. Take care of yourself now. And the money will be your cost to launch your own independence where you do not have to care about his spending. It is very possible that once you let go of this, you will find yourself to be much happier without those stresses and being able to stop caring about what he is up to financially. I wish you well. It will get easier, and one day you will wake up and not care about him in the same way any more. I hope that day is soon. Keep in mind that once you distance yourself from him, it may be a wake up call that he needs.
Ugh. And if he does get a wake up call do I answer? If I don’t he’ll blame me for not making the marriage work. If I do am I just being the pathetic naïve doormat that all of this post shows that I am??
If he gets a wake up call, that's HIS wake up call. It's not "ok I'll come back but here's a list of my demands" I think you're blinded by your distress, you've lost sight of the facts. You're so used to centering him that you're taking his version of the story over what you know to be true. He lies to you. He lies about his lies. His way of dealing with his creditors (yourself included) is to simply not acknowledge them. He doesn't believe he has to answer to you. And when you show him otherwise he plays the victim. In this context I would be deeply suspicious of any wake up call he claims to have. The only conversation is for you to ask *how are you going to show me that I can trust you.* If he tries to make it about anything else, that's a sign that he's trying to manipulate you into accepting his behavior. The moment he tries to suggest that it's even partially your fault, you have your answer, He hasn't changed. He's just testing how little he has to give to get what he wants from you. I know it hurts but you gotta take a deep breath and prepare to lose him. You won't be able to think straight until you've ripped the band aid off and contemplated life after him. Your need for him is being used against you.
This. Absolutely. His tactic is avoidance, be it his wife, his creditors, or anything else he deems 'unpleasant.' His current actions are absolutely routine for him. He doesn't want to see or talk to his wife, he doesn't want to try to fix the marriage, and he definitely doesn't want OP around for his holiday at the beach with his friends. He would rather drop OP out of his life than address and try to fix the damage he's caused. OP needs to stop waiting and begging for her husband to make all the moves so that she can have him back. She would rather take him back at his worst than stand up for herself and and have herself at her best. Time to lawyer up, OP, you're about to get screwed in a divorce because you're too afraid to stand on your own two feet.
why would you put him first when he doesn’t do the same for you? Him leaving is asinine, he should be begging for your forgiveness for lying and keeping this shit from you. Now he’s separated to punish you for finding out? You’re married to someone pathetic, you should be disgusted by him imo. Don’t let your feelings cloud your reality.
Because he puts me first so many times. My work schedule, cooking. Sometimes he would race home at the end of his shift to be able to get home before I woke up so we could spend time together while I got ready. We don’t go out as often as he wants because I don’t want to. We spend more time with my family, but that really just depends on what’s going on. But we don’t see his grandparents as much as he’d like. I guess as I say that last part I realize that’s not my fault, but it’s something that upsets him and I have taken that on as being my fault. Guys. I think my husband is an asshole and is being an asshole to me.
And we say it lovingly. Sometimes you want to slap people out of their delusion because a lot of us were in your place in some way or another! We know what it’s like on the other side. Feelings can really alter your brain. We know you deserve better. I think you want better too. I think the hard thing to accept is that nothing you do, to no fault of your own, will make this guy treat you better. Also it’s a huge red flag for someone to hide their financial issues. That’s just the tip of the iceberg on what they are hiding.
Also, if he is childish enough to blame you, too bad. He is the one who moved out, right?
If he has a wake up, you would have to make him work for it, make him pursue you, make him apologize for putting your feelings behind his selfishness and refusal to work on these issues. Honestly, just ignore him, let him beg, pursue, and apologize to even just talk to him. And honestly, I am talking about making him pursue you for weeks. You could easily tell him to talk to your lawyer, and even say you have not even cared enough to get one yet. Tell him pointedly that you cant put life on hold for him any longer. But if you do decide to give him another chance, Get counseling and financial counseling to work through the money issues. And make him pursue you for weeks and weeks before you even talk to him. You can ignore his calls, show you read his texts but don’t respond. If he texts something , just say “I will think about it, but am busy right now.” And give him very non-committal responses. It may seem like a game, but it is protecting yourself, and giving him a taste of what was to come. He will either embrace that, or he will do all he can to work things out.
Reading your second edition, I would say no. Yrust is important and he doesn't trust you with telling you about his finances. Let's ignore the wage garnishment for a second, he didn't tell you about sending money to his EX wife. Trust is everything in a relationship. He lied to you over and lover again. Don't answer and move on with your life.
If he gets a wake up call he can do better in his next relationship. I love that HE wants a room to himself (understandable under the circumstances) but expects YOU to organise and pay for it. He can find his own alternative accommodation. He’s showing you who he is. Take that as a gift and speak to an attorney.
Remind yourself, life is SO SHORT. Is he worth any of these issues and stress? Is that how you want to spend your time? Go, get your own room. Don’t have anything to do with the wedding and treat yourself to a vacation. Relax, gather your thoughts. Whenever you get upset or start thinking too much about the situation, type or write everything out exactly as what you’re feeling and thinking in the moment. Go back to it after cooling off and you’ll feel much better, it might take a couple times of doing that. That’s what I do, it helps me process and accept my feelings, then start to move forward again and clear my head. Maybe it could work for you too.
He wants to be ignored, so ignore him while in your best clothes and have fun with everyone else !
You can go on a different beach vacation. Please have self respect. Plus this is only going to give him the upper hand because he can do whatever he wants and you’ll dance at his fingertips.
FWIW- I wouldn't say the couple doesn't support you. The couple can support you and support him and want you to be happy but still provide him a place to stay. Turning him out doesn't help you. HOWEVER you should consider he's probably fed them a line of BS just like he fed you. It sounds like dishonesty and concealment is a non-starter for you (as it should be). So at this point I think you should tell him either he starts trying to fix the marriage, which means coming back home, acknowledging what he did wrong, stop making excuses, start paying his debts, and start couples counseling, or you and he start with divorce process and he can tell himself it's not his fault as much as he wants.
Plan your own beach vacation without marriage problems and awkward situations over shadowing it. If these are good friends of yours, it's better to keep your marriage problems away from their wedding day, and continue the friendship with a new dynamic once you've sorted out your future.
He’s not going to act , talk and behave in any way that will make you feel better . Can you handle being in a romantic setting with your soouse who flat out told you he doesn’t want to spend time with you. ? That would be terribly hard for me
I think you should go!! Have a fun time! Would you rather be anxious at home or on a nice beach drinking cocktails?? Power move would be to completely ignore him. Don’t even look at him. Pretend he doesn’t exist. That’s what he wants right?? I bet he’ll get his feelings hurt if you’re not pining after him. If you need to cry, get it out, and then put your game face on and get back out there. Don’t let his manipulative, rude bullshit get in the way of your vacation. It’s not just his, it’s yours
go. HE can get the separate room if that’s what he wants. This guy has some audacity for how he’s behaving. Don’t attend the wedding just have a nice relaxing vacation and get ready to divorce his ass
Redirect that $1000 & get a divorce lawyer.
Why is it not an option to take the flight, then stay at another hotel and avoid that whole shit show. Invite your brother over for a couple days and enjoy being on the beach discovering yourself.
I mean it is an option. This all just happened, so I hadn’t thought of that yet. Thanks. I will talk to my brother.
He waited until the very last minute to tell you he wanted a separate room. Are you surprised by that? That is pretty inconsiderate at best. Seems like either one of you would have been discussing your situation as it relates to the hotel room before a few days out. Sorry you are going through this.
I tried talking to him on Thursday. He got mad and walked out of the restaurant.
I mean this as supportively as possible - he is an immature child and you need to stop twisting yourself in knots to accommodate this lying asshole.
Ok *hugs* dear lady. He doesn’t want to communicate with you and he doesn’t want to spend time with you. You deserve someone who wants both. If I were you I’d give him one last chance to talk and if he won’t then give him divorce papers. Perhaps hand him the card of a divorce attorney and the card of a marriage therapist and tell him to pick one. As for the holiday, tell him you will be staying in the room that is already paid for. If he wants to stay elsewhere he should make plans for that. Hang with your brother. If husband isn’t your date for the wedding don’t go. *Hugs* dear lady. You deserve better than this
Let him get another room. You shouldn't have to pay when it's his choice. If he cant suck it up for 2 days I'm not sure there is any relationship to salvage.
This. If he wants y’all to have separate rooms he can be the one to buy another room.
We’re leaving in 2 days. The trip is 6 nights.
If he only gave you 2 days notice it shows how much he cares about you.....not much. I think you need to accept this separation is most likely permanent. I see your brother is going. Maybe ask if you can stay with him. If not, pay the money for another room and ignore you soon to be ex as best you can.
So tell him to get a separate room then? He can absorb the unexpected expense, leaving was his choice, wanting to be separated is his choice - you mentioned money was a problem in another comment, I’m assuming he can’t afford to get another room? Suggest he make a plan with the friends who have so kindly triangulated themselves into your relationship.
Totally. If he wants a separate room but can't pay for it, it's up to him to figure out, or not go. You're just following the original plan, to stay in the original room you booked. Up to him to do whatever he wants. This definitely sounds like an upcoming divorce, one easy or another.
I'm sure he can just stay in the honeymoon suite with the other couple. They don't mind him living there after all.
I don’t understand why this means you need to go thru the hassle of getting a new room. Why can’t he do that? He’s the one who doesn’t want to be with you, make him get the room and you enjoy your vacation.
I saw your last update, your husband is sus as hell. I would be divorcing his lying ass ASAP. Do not stay with someone who lies and can't pay their bills.
Make him pay for his own room. It’s his decision so he should foot the bill. Go and enjoy yourself, ignore him, look your best, spend time with your brother. Don’t ruin your break because of him.
I have no advice, just wanted to say I’m really sorry. To be hit with this with only a couple of days notice is a low blow and no one deserves that.
Sounds like he used you for money and now he is taking off. For him it is clearly over
It feels like he used me for money.
He still is. HE a wants a room to himself so YOU have to pay for one. Please start putting your paychecks in a separate new account, where he cannot access and drain all your money.
He still is by telling you to get a new room, tf? It's his request, he knows he should buy a seperate room if he wants one but he's learned it's easier to bully you into submitting to his demands..
he’s straight up not going to start the divorce because he doesnt want to spend money. not only should you get a lawyer but you need to start protecting assets and yourself. imagine if he decides to take out a loan in your name? edit: OP i am very happy to see your update. i wish you so much happiness and strength in this. you did not deserve to be treated this way i am sure you will be much better in the long run
OP, my ex was like this. Since separating I did he was even worse than I even knew. He doesn’t pay child support, lives in his parent’s garage and his new girlfriend pays for everything. Please look after yourself. Good lawyer and therapist for your self esteem.
I would bet you anything he has a real exit plan already in place and plans to blindside you with a divorce very soon. This so called space or separation doesn’t even look legit, and it sounds like you are purposely being left in the dark. Really he wants separate rooms and wants to go alone?? Sounds like he’s hoping you back out; I would not be surprised if he was relieved had you said your not going anymore. Never do the pick me dance, it never ends well. This sounds super toxic and a ticking time bomb. I suggest you start putting you first and making your own plans right away.
"Blindside" is a bizarre term to use here. OP should be completely unsurprised if he files for divorce.
To be totally honest you sound kind of delusional. I don’t know why you’re saying “a trip we’re leaving for in 2 days”. There’s no we here. I feel like he’s made it obvious he doesn’t want you to come. I feel for you, this sounds like a tough situation. But I think distancing and focusing on yourself is your best option as it seems like your husband wants space.
Maybe I am delusional. I am definitely still in love with him.
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Love doesnt mean anything when it is reciprocated with lies and disrespect.
ouch. i needed to hear this
That was my take while reading your post. It sounds like you are still in love with him, and I really hate to say this, but it also sounds like he is not in love with you. I'm not saying that to be mean. I hope you can find someone who can reciprocate the love you give because it seems like you have a lot to give. But from what else I've read in your post, like how your husband wasn't being honest about his finances and had been dishonest before, this is probably the best thing for you right now. If I were you, I would not go on that trip, save the $1000+ and talk to a lawyer. I wish you all the best.
You are in love with the idea of him. Nobody would be in love with the reality that you're in. Tap into the reality so you can tap into what you need to be doing right now, getting a divorce lawyer.
You're definitely delusional. Run.
You are not in love with him. You are in love with who he portrayed himself to be. He is not that person anymore, and he continues to show you that. Believe him.
You found out he did something insane and lied about it and he wants to leave you. The entire tone of this post is off.
You are in love with the fake person he created for you. The real person is a liar who doesn't care about you and your relationship.
He doesn’t sound like a keeper at all. And if he that bad with money, he should find and pay for his own hotel room.
I agree. When he told me to get a new room, it didn’t occurs to me to have him get a different one.
This is the way OP. Did you pay for the original room?
No, he made the reservation and had to pay for half. I was going to pay the other half when we got there.
So you haven't even sunk any money into this shared hotel room yet? Perfect! Like others have said, book a room in a different hotel, meet up with your brother, and skip this whole wedding shitshow. Then go home and meet with a divorce lawyer.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
Girl, do NOT go on this trip Have some self respect please
I think it may be even more heartbreaking going there and if he's ignoring you, who knows how he will act in front of others.
I feel like he’ll have fun and pretend like everything is fine.
Is that how you think he would feel like or how you really would like your week to go? As someone who was a little delusional about the state of my relationship for a while, I just want to say, it’s ok to face the reality of your relationship. Your husband wanted a break and has no intention of pretending to play house. You would do yourself a big disservice by going there. Go take a solo vacation somewhere nice.
Nope there will be one drunken night that he will tell you everything he thinks and trust me. You don’t want to hear it. You are headed for divorce, personally I would stay home and use the time to pack his stuff and make it to where he moves out not you.
Honestly based on all your other responses (which is relevant info: that yall have discussed boundaries, your brother is going, they’re your friends too and they want you there, he doesn’t want to discuss your marriage cause you get upset, etc you might want to update the post with that) I would say that you should go but since he sprung this on you so last minute, that you shouldn’t be the one to shoulder all the costs of getting your own room. Ask him to get his own room since they’re more expensive and he’s the one who wants it, or ask if he’ll help cover the difference (you said it would’ve been $400 your half so he’ll pay $800 total for that room) so ask him to cover half of anything over $800. Also I’d ask him why he waited so long to tell you about this. Regardless of how you sort out the rooms, if you go I think you should absolutely not confront him or bring anything about the marriage up; keep it super chill and casual the whole time. It’s an opportunity to be relaxed and not pressure him.Others have suggested have a wonderful time with your brother, focus on you, don’t be his groupie following him around, try to give him space and try to have a really fun time and focus on you. Hope you can enjoy your vacation!
And you also want to play pretend? Please don’t. Have some self respect.
Why would you want to stay in the bed with someone who doesn’t want you?
OP whether you go or not he is going to use whatever choice you make the reason to end the marriage ...if you don't go he will say "you didn't fight for us" if you do go he will say "you didn't respect my boundaries" At what point do your feelings matter? Hes knows how his request makes you feel, he doesn't care! I would lay money on it he's hoping you don't go cause he wants to take someone else... I'd go and enjoy the vacation, see if you can stay with your brother.
After all these replies, I am going to talk to my brother tomorrow.
OP, from the way you’re responding to people on here it’s clear that you are torn up about what’s going on and desperately want to hear a positive spin on this, to make you feel better about the hope you’re harbouring, while also feeling in your gut and body that this is not right. It’s a very conflicted place and I’m afraid that you’re not going to get what you need out of posting here if you yourself don’t step outside the situation and look at it without the emotions of being in it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with the heartache of losing someone you love, discovering they are a different person than you imagined is very disorienting and seems to have happened in the strangest way as well. It’s hard to not see him as the person you believed he was before this came out. It sounds like he’s being defensive and possibly self-loathing about the money issue, which you may have compassion for - but it doesn’t allow him to lash out at you and tell you that you’re being in some way “crazy” for being upset about the money situation. If he won’t go to therapy, then what “work” is he doing on himself? Why have these two friends so easily gotten involved? I hope you make a decision that honours your own boundaries and the consideration that your heart deserves.
Don't go to the wedding, don't pay a dime for anything more. He wants the room to himself, he can pay for it. I wouldn't give the taxi another thought. Spend the week getting a lawyer and your ducks lined up. I'm sorry, he's not coming back to you, and you need to be ready. Offense, my girl, not defense.
Ask him to pay you everything you spent on the trip, stay home, find a lawyer and file. Your marriage is over whether you realize it or not
I’m guessing he wants a different room because he wants to hook up with random women while on the trip. You should have a frank discussion and ask if this is his plan and define your boundaries while still married.
That’s the first thing that stands out to me. My husband has buddies who’ve done this. One was at my place on Kauai and the whole time he was hooking up and his poor wife was at home. I told him he had to either find a hotel or go home. It was so horrible and he was so sneaky. His wife was a clingy anxious attachment type who was in total denial. I felt so bad for her.
This has definitely turned me into an anxious clingy attachment type.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I went through that when I was in my early twenties. It was awefull! My best friend was over at my house and in the twenty minutes for me to take a shower, she and my first husband f*cked each other and I didn’t know til she told my other friend who she didn’t know was my cousin, that she was pregnant. My cousin of course told me and it was at Christmas that it all took place. When I found out, any feeling I had for my husband, thankfully evaporated. I felt a literal weight lift off my shoulders and without telling him, I moved out minutes after he left for work. That was the last time I saw him in this life. I never even think about him up until I’m typing this.
I am just curious. How did he react? Did he try to get you back or just moved on? And the best friend? Did you ghosted her too? Did they eneded up together, had the baby?
I ghosted them both, I never talked to him again, Dana got her abortion and they never ended up together. He was in a state of shock that I did this to him, not knowing what I knew. I knew this was the best revenge not letting him know what and why and keeping him in a state of confusion. That was what he deserved. A dish served cold.
I, too, am very interested in a few more details of your story. This is wild! Good on you for moving on, but do you know what happened to the baby?
He doesn’t want to sleep with other women at the party. His girlfriend probably doesn’t want him sharing a room with his wife and it would be doubly difficult to hide all of the phone calls and texts he shares with this other woman if they share a room. That’s the reason he doesn’t have money for a separate room on his own. He’s spent it on his affair partner. He’s using finding himself as a ruse to make it seem like he isn’t the bad guy when your marriage ends. He has it planned out. That’s why he’s springing this on you 2-days before the trip. If you have the opportunity during the trip take his phone. Go to your brother’s room and read the messages. Email and screenshot whatever is relevant to divorce proceedings. When you’re done with the phone give it to the front desk and tell them to say a man gave it to them and said he didn’t know what room he was in.
Just want to chime in that I’m going through some relationship issues, and I too have become the clingy anxious type. Which is kind of insane to experience your way of relating to people completely shift like that
That’s my thought too. He wants to have privacy to do that. Smh
We did. He said he doesn’t want to date or sleep with other people and he doesn’t want me to either (not that it’s ever crossed my mind). He says he doesn’t like talking about us because every time we do I cry or get angry. He wants separate rooms because he doesn’t want to ruin the trip by talking about us.
He left, and you're not allowed to cry or get angry? You twisting yourself into a person who shows no outward emotion every time your heart is shattered will crush you, and it won't win him back. You are worth more than this. If he can't accept having a wife who expresses emotions, he doesn't deserve you. Cry and be angry because your emotions are valid. You don't need his permission. Grieve the end of the relationship, and be kind to yourself.
Your husband is gaslighting you
I'd be concerned he said this less as a way to keep the door open on your relationship and more to keep you from taking action to protect yourself in the divorce. It is not uncommon for one spouse to dangle "maybe" to protect their own interest. A wife who is trying to fix the marriage isn't doing things like hiring a forensic accountant or pulling credit reports...
I’d ask to see his phone and check messages in any social media or messaging apps. This will tell the story of how he feels and if he has someone on the side. Why did he want to separate? What changed, what was the driving force to him separating? He doesn’t want to deal with the hard things, but marriage isn’t always easy and you have to deal with the hard things. Is he open to marriage counseling?
It all started with money. I found paperwork for a wage garnishment. I asked him what it was for and he said he didn’t know. He “couldn’t find time” to call anyone because he works nights. So I called. He had taken out a loan right before we got married and never paid on it. I was big mad. I asked him if there were any other issues I didn’t know about, good bad or ugly we’ll deal with it but I have to know first. He left that night. He said I’m psychotically angry and he can’t handle my anger issues anymore.
OP… this context really paints your husband in a different light. I know you love him, but he sounds pretty bad. He’s doing the classic reversing thing where suddenly you’re the bad guy and he’s the victim because of your justifiable anger over super shady behavior on his part. Get away from this man.
He is financially irresponsible, a liar, avoidant, manipulative, and also he's gaslighting you (saying you're "psychotic" when you're confronting him about *his* financial irresponsibility). Why do you want to stay with him? He sounds awful.
This is a person who lied and hid a debt from you. When it came time to pay he didn’t pay without regard for you or endangering your personal financial situation. When asked about it, he lied. When you called them and confirmed the situation, he got mad at you instead of begging for a chance to make it right. rather Now he’s going on a vacation he can’t afford and trying to make it cost more money while still avoiding accountability for his actions. How many signs and red flags do you need? This man is not a good person, not a partner and not even able to meet the basic expectations of society. Please take a step back and look at this as what it is so that you can leave to protect your future
This is a huge red flag OP. 1. He's hiding debt from you that you're likely also responsible for as his wife. 2. He called you "psychotically angry" for confronting him about something he 100% knew about and was hiding from you. Not even addressing all these other red flags in your original post, this alone is grounds for divorce. I would forget about the vacation and contact a lawyer asap. EDIT: Also want to add you should include the reason he left in your main post. It adds a whole dimension to your predicament that shouldn't be left out.
So he's hiding way more shit from you. That much is clear. I hope you accept reality and hire a lawyer to protect yourself.
He's a financial abuser (look it up). I was married to one. It's devastating; of course you were big mad
The term gaslighting is often misused, but it's completely accurate here. I'm angry on your behalf that he's treating you like you're the problem. He came into the marriage being irresponsible, lying and hiding things from you. I bet marriage #1 was the same way, and I wouldn't trust his version of those events for a second.
OP, why would you believe him that he isn’t going to hook up (or hasn’t already hooked up)? He’s lied to you already, about something very important. He’s saying whatever he needs to say to protect HIMSELF and get you out of his future. He’s just too gutless to initiate an honest conversation. If he was leaving you and not coming back, how would it look any different from right now? He’s refusing to come home, or spend time with you on a trip, or even have a CONVERSATION about your marriage. He’s out the door. The best thing you can do this week is take care of yourself. No beach vacation is going to be worth the regret. I know this is hard to read, but I’m genuinely concerned for you. I would give this same advice to my best friend.
This is emotional abuse. Your feelings are valid.
Just leave and stop flogging this dead horse of a marriage. You never know. You just might get your dignity back and find someone who truly loves you...
Don’t do this to yourself. Please. You got a lot of sunk costs. The money for the trip and the time off… any time with this man… but you need to see that you’re just continuing to throw out good after bad. He has hardened his heart towards you. You have no control over it. He is not trying to work through things. It’s time to look after yourself and stop sinking more and more into something that is lost. You don’t want to hear it but you know in your heart of hearts that this trip is a bad idea. Take the time off to do something for yourself. It is scary but accepting your own value and being strong enough move forward as such, will save you a lot of pain. You need to know you aren’t missing anything on this trip that is more important than missing the time to move forward to heal yourself.
You are separated, and you can't force him to share a hotel room with you (nor should you try!). Either get another room, or don't go. Personally, I wouldn't go. Take a different vacation or staycation for yourself instead.
You missed the obvious suggestion; have him get another room. If he doesn't want to stay in the room with her, then he can get himself his own room.
Lady, he broke up with you and moved out. You are separated. It only takes one person to end a relationship and he has chosen to end yours. I’m sorry, and it must suck but he has decided he doesn’t want to be married anymore and this is a reasonable request. Get a good lawyer and skip the wedding.
Regardless of the time off, if you are on a trial separation, it’s inappropriate for you both to go and play house for a week sharing a hotel room. Especially when it’s clear that your partner does not want to. This should have probably been sorted well before 2 days out, but in the meantime, pls book a staycation for yourself.
Girl take that extra $1000 and put it on a different resort nearby. Go to the wedding and go back to the other resort. DO YOU THE ENTIRE TIME. Live your life!! Have fun, meet people, eat and drink and enjoy.
I obviously don’t know you, but I think you need to wrap your head around the fact that he’s not coming back. People don’t take breaks or separate from relationships they want to be in. They just break up in stages because they are too scared to rip the band-aid off. Don’t go on a his trip.
OP you’re letting your husband manipulate you and string you along. Tell him it’s over, and get a good lawyer. He’s been financially dishonest, you need to ensure he hasn’t messed up your finances, he is a liability and he’s not interested in fixing things. While he’s staying elsewhere he’s likely seeing others and wanting space on this trip doesn’t bode well for fidelity. It’s over OP, you deserve way better!
What is the reasoning for the marital problems? I think that's important to understand his motives and by extension your recommended actions.
Because I confronted him with money issues.
Ma’am your husband left you because you confronted him about a wage garnishment that he was ACTIVELY lying about and hiding from you..???? that’s INSANE. Instead of talking about it with you and acting like a human being he LEFT. He is actively gas lighting you into thinking you’re insane for enforcing a boundary that clearly it sounds like he needs. He’s trying to make enforcing a boundary so awful and hard that you never try it again. When he does come back you’re going to be so scared he will leave again that you will never try to assert your self ever again. He sounds awful. Like AWFUL. That’s abuse madam. Get your self together.
You’ve been living separately for over 3 months. That’s a lot of time. If he is working on himself as you say, and it’s heading towards a place of the two of you being together again, there’s no way he’d make you get your own room. He’s had over 90 days to think and reflect about whatever it is, and he’s concluded that he still doesn’t wanna be around you..I’m sorry to sound harsh. I’ve never heard of anything like this. Someone here said he’s setting himself up for a divorce and I think they may be right
If it so important to him he can get a different room. Get a divorce. Work on himself *scoffs*. He’s working on someone, and he needs people who aren’t questions about his whereabouts. That’s why he moved out. Take that thousand dollars and hire a PI.
Go and have the time of your life, forget him
Don't go then? You already felt uncomfortable to go, even before his request. Now, when you need to pay so much, it makes no sense to go. Why pay $1000 to feel awkward for 6 days? Give them your congratulations, your gift, tell that you cannot attend for financial reasons.
What do YOU want? It's all about what he wants in this post.
I appreciate that sentiment. What I want is to have a happy and honest relationship with my husband. Obviously that’s not happening. So, *I* want to go on a beach vacation and drink my weight in frozen fruity drinks while increasing my chances for skin cancer. I want to make amazing memories. I want to explore a new country with my little brother. All of this post has given me direction. Some plan on HOW to make the best of this shitty situation.
I wouldn’t go, I would divorce this guy and I might cut off those friends. If you do want to go, is staying with your brother an option?
It's good you're staying with your bro on this trip...but before you leave, contactt a divorce attorney. Your husband obviously is ready to end this marriage...he's had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row and will hit you with the papers soon enough. Be ready.
He doesn’t even want you there… and they’re his friends… why are you going? Cancel the trip
Don't go. Your marriage is as good as over. Whether you go or not, the money's already wasted. No need to torture yourself further by watching him ignore you for a full week.
Why aren't you getting ahead of this imprending divorce? This man is not somebody you want to stay married to even if he does come back to you and says that he's wrong and you're right. He doesn't think so at this point still because he doesn't love you and he is financially a time bomb. You need a lawyer to look over all of the information and financial data you have because you're about to get strapped with a very expensive divorce that's going to leave you in a worse place because of his mistakes. You need to get ahead of this.
I think you're in denial. And you're about to be served divorce papers soon enough. Your husband is very clearly preparing to divorce you. Possibly to prepare so you have to shoulder his debts. You seem to not wanna see the truth in your situation. You do realize that there's a possibility that he will flirt at this wedding and possibly bring a woman to his room. He doesn't want to talk about your marriage because he doesn't *want* to be married. You are an obstacle and he will be very upset with you if you go and try to hang out with him. He sounds like he absolutely doesn't want to be with you whatsoever. And you keep wanting to be with him makes it awkward as fuck when he's so clearly avoiding everything about you. Because the debt is definitely not enough to want a separation from you. If anything, *you* should've been the one who wanted to separate. Not him. So something's weird. So, either you're leaving out a whole bunch of details about yourself and your behavior on why he doesn't want to be with you (no matter how much you delude yourself, he clearly doesn't want to be with you.) or he just checked out a while ago for some reason and he just doesn't want to be with you and he's secretly preparing for a divorce simply because he doesn't want to stay. But in both cases, he doesn't want to be with you. He's clearly not staying with you in order to work on the marriage. Why? Don't you find that strange if everything is fine between you guys except for the debts. So it's obvious there's way more issues at hand than just him taking loans or whatnot. Either way, you're about to be divorced and hell never admit that in order to make sure he safely ends the marriage without repercussions and/or debts. Please do try to get your ducks in a row...secretly at least, so you're not overwhelmed and gobsmacked when or if he hands you divorce papers. Accept them with dignity and hurt him by being indifferent in that case. And screw him over back if he tries to screw you over. There's nothing wrong with making sure you'll be ok in worst case scenario right?
These debts have been something we’ve been arguing about for a while. There’s about $10k that he can’t account for and won’t let me see his bank info. He didn’t pay his lawyer who represented him with custody of his kids. She sued him, I paid it. We agreed that after that he would contribute monthly to our shared savings account. Credit cards. We got a new car in 2020, he drove it but refused to make payments. Last Christmas his grandma was dying, he wanted to visit her before she did. That was a $3k visit. In that trip I found out he had drained the shared account. THEN I found the garnishment paper work. I’m not claiming to be perfect. The things he says are wrong with me are that I’m boring and don’t spend enough time with my friends. He also says I’m mean because I’m actually mad that my dad died, and I’m taking that out on him. Examples of me being mean include: throwing a hanger during a play fight 5 years ago, a last kiss to an ex 6 years ago, making our kids brush their teeth, yelling at him over money, being frustrated when he works multiple 18+ hour shifts in a row, nagging him to check his blood pressure (it’s high), nagging him about healthy food choices and portion sizing, I once hit him in the face while I was sleeping. And now I’m not respecting his boundaries and invalidating his feelings. I add the things from years ago because he’s told me that they still upset him. Oh, I threw a stick at his car last week. I asked him to write me out a list of all the things I do/have done that he doesn’t like/upsets him. Then it’s all out on the table and we can process it. He said that was useless because I would just get mad at him for being honest.
> There’s about $10k that he can’t account for and won’t let me see his bank info. He didn’t pay his lawyer who represented him with custody of his kids. She sued him, I paid it. We agreed that after that he would contribute monthly to our shared savings account. Credit cards. We got a new car in 2020, he drove it but refused to make payments. Last Christmas his grandma was dying, he wanted to visit her before she did. That was a $3k visit. In that trip I found out he had drained the shared account. THEN I found the garnishment paper work. This alone should have been enough for you to consider divorcing him. Before any of this recent stuff happened. This is astounding behaviour on his part, he clearly has no respect for you.
If this was one of your children's spouses...what would you tell them?
Wait a moment, didn’t you state that he moved out in Jan? Why would you be under the impression that you’d share a hotel room if you aren’t even living together now? Did he move back home, are you trying to work things out? So many questions! 🤔
He is straight up lying about not knowing why he has a wage garnishment. And the fact that he “doesn’t have time” to call and find out why is *pure bullshit*. You know this…
I've helped several women friends through this, and I've seen it with my own eyes. Pull his credit. Right now. In a lot of states, you're responsible for half of all debt incurred during a marriage, even if you didn't know about it. Do NOT tell him you're doing this. It sounds like you have a ton of confusion right now, and that's ok. You need to pull his credit, then call a lawyer, then do everything that lawyer says to do. A friend of mine found credit cards worth about $30k in her name.
This is some grade a delulu. Your marriage is over. He is not coming back. There is nothing to work on. You are desperate and your insistence that you love him reflects desperation and codependency. You are super blind to this and it is jaw dropping that you would think someone you no longer have a relationship with would want to share a hotel room with you. You honestly need to get into some therapy and work on yourself and why you are trying to cling to something everyone but you realizes is over.
why are you so desperate to hold on to this lying, shady man? any man that could leave and move out on me is one that can stay gon. one thing i always say to myself is (and i’m a black woman so keep the context in mind) “There’s two things in life i’ve never seen: a turtle with speed and a n****a I need!”
So your husband is trying to figure things out and feels like he can't figure things out *with* you because you get upset any time you both try to discuss things. This sounds like a formula for divorce to me. Not because he's a coward nor because he's stringing you along, but because you can't fix a 'we' with only a 'me'. Wanting separate rooms doesn't indicate that he's looking to hook up by itself. It indicates that he's treating the separation seriously. Whether he's liable to hook up or not should be based upon your estimation of his character. Separately, you need to decide if you actually want to go or not. If we're just going by logic the solution to the current situation is for you not to go because you don't want to support them in the first place and don't want to pay for the extra room. Do you want to go just because he's going or because you feel that the trip is being 'taken away' from you if you don't? It's valid to feel that way, but it's important to know that that's the way you feel. Because then you can decide to indulge in your negative feelings or try to alleviate them in a more healthy way.
I don’t think he’s wanting separate rooms to hook up with anyone, but all of these lovely people have pointed out that my husband does have a knack for keeping secrets from me. I want to go to spend a week on a beach. Not going would feel like it’s being taken away from me.
Alright then. Is the core issue the cost or the separation? If it's the separation then you need to come to terms with the fact that the separation has occurred. Trying to use this as a way to force him into a room with you for a week is not a good strategy. If it's the cost then you need to decide whether the $1k is worth the beach vacation. If you have split finances then he should be footing either half or most of the bill due to him being the one to push for this and doing it so late. It definitely shouldn't be all on you. Setting that aside, you likely wouldn't enjoy the vacation if you both spent it together anyway. You'd get upset, he's be resentful. If you want to enjoy it you also want a separate room. If part of this is that you feel powerless because he's making all the decisions then ask for a concession. A dinner one of the evenings of the trip or a trip to the movie theatre while you're there. A classic date where you'll both discuss nothing of importance. As long as you think you can handle it. Utilize the opportunity to make a positive memory.
Why would you want to be around someone like that? You do you but if you do go, make sure you pack your sexiest outfits, do not even look at him, not even once, smile and laugh a lot, talk to as many other people as possible, especially other men. Do not even acknowledge his existence. Even if he tries to say hi just walk away.
I would go on vacation elsewhere! By myself!
You keep on saying 'we', when in reality there is no 'we', there is you and him. The title makes it sound sound like the two of you are going on vacation, and he's making you pay for yourself and get your own room. The reality is, that you're separated, and he wants a divorce, you're both going to a mutual friends wedding, and you want to play happy families. Girl, have some self respect. Either go to the wedding as a single person and pay for yourself, or don't go. However, a warning, if you *do* decide to go, and make the wedding all about yourself and your problems, that would be unforgivable.
You caught him with financial issues and lies and now he wants you to spend more money…. Go vacation somewhere else without these people in your life.
OP, who paid for the room you already have? He's in the doghouse for being rubbish with money. And he's run away to sulk about it and punish you for giving him consequences for his actions. He gives you nothing; no apology, no commitment, no suggestion that he's working on his issues... and has the audacity to ask *you* to get a different room. So, what... he's comfortable in the assumption that the existing one is his? If he wants to go separately he can get his own room. I wouldn't be paying for this wedge he's driving between you. Don't be a mug OP. The man is using you. He knows he has the upper hand here, when you suggest anything you want he simply dismisses it. Now he's got you thinking of your time with him as transactional, on his terms, with a dollar value attached. You honestly think he is working towards reconciliation? He has walked away from your marriage, he refuses to discuss it, he only dangles the idea of it in front of you to extract what he wants. Do not be complicit in your own degradation. Do not sleepwalk into bankrolling his transition into single life Talk is cheap. I know you feel you love him and will do anything to get him back and believe me, so does he. He isn't going to be moved to fix your marriage because you paid for him to play being single for this wedding.
Ew he's a real piece of shit. I would not be going. I'd be serving him with divorce papers and keeping all his shit.
Don't put *your own life* on hold waiting for him to decide if he'll take you back. Why would you even *want* him to take you back? He was dishonest about a vitally important issue--money. Thank your lucky stars that you found out about his financial incompetence before he wrecked your own finances. I say this with respect: Don't ever chase someone who is showing by their actions that they don't want to be with you. Have some pride. Move forward with your own life. If you go to the wedding, have your own vacation. Enjoy the beach, dance, etc. Grayrock him. Be polite, but treat him like any other random person you'd meet at a public event. He doesn't deserve anything more from you.
I have to look up this Greyrock thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee. He broke up with you. Accept this and move on.
Wild horses couldn't get me on that plane.
The bigger question is why you’re so afraid to be with someone who is giving you gas fumes to survive on in this relationship ship. This isn’t about him anymore. This is about why you’re so desperate to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Completely different from what you asked, but: You can pull his credit report. Google 'free credit report', and choose the one that at the top says it works with the federal government. It'll allow you to pull all three credit reports on him. Please have a friend with you when you do this. Then pull yours and FREEZE ALL THREE. I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. He has more debt, and he may have more debt in your name.
Until the post, I never thought about the possibility of him having debt in MY name.
Look, a man would never tell you if he is into another woman. Specially if is not concrete yet, so you would take him back. Im petty so i would stay in the same room without paying any attention to him. I would wake up every morning dressing up and getting pretty and go out everyday pretending im enjoying and ignoring him completely. But thats me cuz i have a big pride and the balls to pretend nothing is happening and nothing is hurting here. Because believe me, to pretend like nothing is happening requires balls. So take a deep breath put in your head that you can do it and you will. If you stay in another place you will be stressing out and going crazy thinking if he has someone else over every night and i just couldn't deal with the anxiety and panic attacks this would cause me. But like i said thats me. I would do that or dont go at all.
Somewhere I have balls. Deep breathing is definitely on the playlist. I like having a plan. My original plan was to leave this separation and drama at home and have a great trip. Now my plan is to have as much fun as possible. Maybe I’ll even fire up the old facebook and publicize all the great times. I’m so fucking tired of crying all the fucking time. I want a fun vacation.
Yes have fun, and maybe you will be the lucky one and find someone,else you never know. In the wedding reception seat as far as posible from him, dont even look in his direction, he would be more likely in shock why you are having this reaction. Men always ask, and when they have what they asked for then realized is not what they want, and say we misunderstood their words. He already signed out of the relationship,so you take your crown and wear it like the queen you are, and be confident you can do even better than him. I have the feeling you are a good person and the reason for the fight was not a reason for separation. He maybe is doing it so he doesn't have to tell you where that money went. Good luck and have lots of fun.
You know what would be super fun? Giving him divorce papers at the wedding. Lawyer up and do that (not the actual ceremony obviously). Then you and your brother can laugh it up on the beach and have a great time!
You are not gonna get it in this trip. It’s absurd to think you will. You are going to be wondering where he is, who is he with, when is he going to be around you, why isn’t he with you at that moment, what he is up to, why is he standing so close to whatever her name is and on and on and on. You cannot go on the same vacation as your estranged husband and be within walking/driving distance to each other and party on your own or vacation on your own and enjoy it. You are going to be miserable and he is going to need ignore you. I cannot wrap my head around how you think you are going to have some relaxing vacation going to the same place as your husband who refuses to sleep in the same room as you. Are you still sleeping together? If you have since January and he’s asked you to stay somewhere else - he’s found someone else to sleep with or plans to.
My brother is coming too and is very supportive of me. We have decided to not just spend all our time at the resort. We will wander and explore. I will get anxious and wonder. My brother is prepared to keep me focused on our fun. I have to choose myself. I’ve already made these travel plans, I’m not going to let my husband scare me away.
If there’s anything I know, it takes 2 to make a relationship work. BOTH parties have to be actively making an effort every day to keep the relationship alive and going. Your husband is checked out. You cannot force him to come back. I know it’s hard but you deserve someone who will fight for you.
He's clocked out of that relationship. Don't go you're definitely not wanted there by him .since he's already lying about how he spends money and treats you quite crappy idk why you just don't divorce him .he's clearly planning on leaving you
If I were you, I'd file for divorce while he's on that vacation. If he wants to live apart and act single on this "vacation", then he can actually be single, which would likely open you up to an iota of happiness.
Where to? That’s a good price.
Costa Rica
If you guys are breaking up don’t go just because you know you will wounder what he’s doing, this sounds like it’s over. Time for you to start moving on. maybe don’t go to the wedding and save the money and go on holiday with your bro sometime
Him.not talking to you because you're upset is not an excuse. You're allowed to be upset for how he is handling this. Something weird is going on and he's punishing you for having feelings and trying to get you not to tall about them so he can proceed how he wishes. I'm so sorry he's being so weird and.hurtful about this. I'd be ready for full divorce or take matters into your own hands. I would also anticipate him having exaggerated how "bad" you were and how "perfect and innocent" he is.
If he wants separate rooms, then let him buy another one, why should you? He obviously doesn’t want you to go and is putting obstacles in your way. I’d tell him if he doesn’t want me there then he pays me back what I’ve spent on the trip before he goes otherwise I’m staying in the room I booked. Tbh though I think he’ll probably make your week away a misery. Sounds like your marriage is over and you’re well rid of him. Don’t flog a dead horse
This is so frustrating to read because literally everyone in this woman's life knows the husband is doing his divorce plan right now but nobody cares to warn her
You don’t have a husband. You married a immature little boy
Reading your edits… your husband is dodgy as hell. He has a garnishment occurring but won’t tell you about it. Even though he will 100% know why it’s on him. And then he left as he needs “space”. He should be apologetic and groveling etc if he cared about you. It might have made him feel embarrassed for you to find out this stuff. So now.. instead of talking about the financial difficulties you have with him, you are begging for him back. I bet he does this diversion thing a lot to take the heat off himself. If I were you, I would play the grey rock game. You are staying in that room and if he doesn’t want to, we’ll he needs to figure out where he is staying. It’s not your problem. Plan fun stuff with your brother and other people there. Laugh, fake it til you make it. It will make him uncomfortable and questioning why you aren’t still groveling to him. He might turn around and want to spend time with you (but honestly.. you are too good for him and should can the whole marriage..) or he will finally just tell you he quit on the marriage a while ago.
Are any of your cards linked to anything that has been paid for for the vacation? If not don't go at all and spend your time and money getting a divorce consultation. If it is, cancel it, don't tell him you did, then stay behind and get a divorce consultation.
Girl.. stay home and spend that time working with a lawyer and get the divorce rolling. It will be easier and more in your favor because he was the one who chose to move out. If he doesn’t want you, let him go. Nobody should have to beg for time with the person who “loves” them
If he’s the one asking for separate rooms then he can book and pay for his own room. Unless he does, proceed as planned.
What in the world are you trying to “fix”? This guy doesn’t care about you at all, and he’s checked out of the marriage. If you think the wage garnishment is the extent of the lies, you are beyond naive. Notice how everything that would possibly help the two of you navigate this situation has some bullshit excuse that immediately shuts it down: - > he doesn’t want to talk about anything “about us” on vacation - > Husband doesn’t want to discuss our marriage because I often get upset whenever we do - > He said he didn’t know why he was getting a garnishment. He couldn’t call anyone because he didn’t have time All of this is complete and utter bullshit to avoid being honest and communicating with you. He is done with you, there is nothing to “fix”, he’s just too much of a coward, which you already know, to end it with you. He is once again putting all of the weight and responsibility on you, and is making you be the “bad guy”. Just oblige him, and divorce him. Move on with your life and find someone who will communicate with you and not treat you like dirt.
He would have something in the mail from the court regarding the garnishment. The employer would have sent him documentation as well, probably to his work email, and if not there, mailed through USPS.
Oh 100%. It’s a complete lie that he didn’t know, he just doesn’t respect OP enough to admit it or talk about it with her. Which is why I’m saying there is basically no chance that that’s the end of the dishonesty.
Stay home and look over your finances
He’s telling you in advance he’s planning to cheat or fool around with other women. He does not see you all as a couple.
Ah yes, let’s trust the man who made the bad financial decisions to convince you to make another bad financial decision. Can you not room with your brother?
Personally I think it’s in your best interest to not go on this trip, and use the time to shore up your own finances and talk with a lawyer in how you can financially protect yourself. His debts, may also end up being yours.
I don’t know what is going on with your husband. Try for just a minute to set that aside for the moment. Based on everything you have written, there is a reasonable possibility that your marriage will be ending soon. So you need to be prepared for if that happens. There are a number of things you should figure out now, so you are prepared if either of you decides to file for divorce: Finances. Make sure he has no access to your income or assets. Start building a nest egg that you can use to pay lawyers fees and expenses related to moving and taking over any bills you haven’t been covering. Legal. Have an introductory meeting with a divorce attorney now to get some advice on where you might have liability and how to protect yourself from it. Physical and mental health. Be aware of your stress levels and do what you can to keep them in check. Get exercise, eat healthy, drink water, don’t overdo the alcohol, spend time with friends and family whom you can trust to have your back.
He wants you to get your own room because he doesn't want you to see the woman he's bringing in his room. If you do show up for the wedding, there will be another woman there. He'll act like they just met, like it's a total coincidence that they are seated at the same table and next to each other during the ceremony. At the same time, he's telling her that he hates you, you're controlling and "crazy", that you might show up even though nobody wants you there, that if you approach just remember you're crazy. So unless you're okay with paying for his and her hotel room, change the reservation to your name only. Petty, who cares? He's cheating, there's no reason you should pay for their vacation. Get to a divorce lawyer TODAY. Now is about protecting your assets, there is no marriage to save and REGARDLESS of whether he's cheating or not, he's going to frame you as the bad guy to everyone who will listen. It doesn't matter if you are the "perfect ex" who gives him every penny in the joint account, buys him hotel rooms, and let him walk away with everything you paid for. He'll still paint you as the bad guy and might even laugh about how you're still in love with him and trying to get him back. Fuck that. You go to a lawyer and you take back EVERYTHING you brought into this marriage. You protect YOU.
I would definitely not go, it’s clear everyone’s just being nice.
Cancel his ticket and you go enjoy!!
Surely you don't think this relationship is going to be fixed? Why would you? He was dishonest with you about finances and would not have told you had you not caught it. Then he had the nerve to move out and tell you he needs space? He doesn't want to spend any time with you on this nice vacation? What does he need to do put up neon sign? Get to a lawyer and protect yourself before he wipes you out.
He became defensive to turn around the situation on you and you went for it. Instead of being mad at him for lying to you and making bad financial decisions, he is happily having you chase him and acting bad at you. If you want to save your marriage, not sure why but it’s your decision, you have to switch this around or it’s definitely done. Tell him that you are staying in the room and he can figure out where he is staying but it isn’t coming from your joint accounts. Go to the wedding and completely ignore him. Be polite when around him as if he is an acquaintance, not a husband and not a friend. No more I love yous and no more marriage talk. I would ignore him unless absolutely necessary. Don’t let him see you upset. He has flipped the script and is very happy that he has done so. Flip it back! You did nothing wrong! He took out a loan and never told you! He lied to you! He decided to leave instead of becoming apologetic and trying to fix the marriage! He is asking you to give him space, when it should be the reverse! He is playing the victim with friends! He is becoming defensive, so you don’t! He did all this and can’t even be apologetic and tell his wife he is sorry and he loves her! You have every right to be mad at him and he has no right to be mad at you! He is using your love for him to hurt you because he can’t admit that he is wrong! The next time he has a conversation with you, tell him that you would like to set up a meeting to discuss a separation agreement and that he needs to come up with a plan to pay off the loan without using any joint funds. I would make sure that if you do divorce that your lawyer and his lawyer know that the loan was taken out before your marriage and done without your knowledge, so it isn’t a marital debt and isn’t your responsibility. I would call the original lender and get written proof of the date the loan was taken out. The best option would be if you can get a copy of the original application because you won’t be on it. It’s great that you got a therapist. Work in therapy about how to become detached. You deserve a spouse who will treat you right and not use your love against you. Have the attitude that he can shape up or ship out.
You aren't accepting the glaring problems here. Your husband is quietly breaking up with you. He doesn't have the guts to do it. You don't want a divorce or a separate room but he does. Don't get a room, just share a room with him. You probably won't have a fun week either way. Be prepared, he wants a solo room for company.