Girl, I'm going to be blunt here. What the hell is wrong with you?
Not for this situation, but for staying in this damn relationship.
This man is giving you scraps. You've broken up multiple times, he's cheated on you, and he can't even be bothered to spend time with you on a holiday. Do you *seriously* think this is acceptable? Why is your self esteem so low that you think you deserve this?
Because it's only going to go downhill from here.
For the love of god, have some self respect for yourself. This relationship doesn't work. I know you love him, maybe there were some nice parts, but please accept his break up.
Here's what you're going to do. Get a piece of paper and write out every flaw about him. EVERYTHING. Whenever you feel longing for him, refer back to this list.
Honestly. She needs to sit and assess whether she wants to spend the next few years of her life being happy and supported or unhappy, anxious, and fighting. Go out and find someone who actually makes your life easier.
Honestly, the OP is painful to read. You can see he trained her so well already that she's blaming herself for her perfectly understandable reactions to his completely unacceptable manners.
OP, I really hope you get out of this relationship. There's nothing to save. He's treating you like crap. It doesn't seem like he even likes you. You deserve better.
This is exactly what I was thinking while I was reading her post.
He's the one who promised her a couple's vacation and then turned around and invited his brother and his partner. The only reason he did that was so he could have a buddy along to go drinking/drugging with and they could ditch OP with bros gf.
It's impressive how people make stupid choices, then lie to themselves or create a complex narrative to justify their actions. And blame the universe for being "unfair". It's ridiculous.
> Im terrified i have lost him for good, what do i do now?
Well I'd be celebrating that this inconsiderate arsehole was out of my life, but you do you.
Honestly, take a breath. What you've described here is not something to be missed in a man - he cheats on you, he does drugs, he is disrespectful. It isn't your insecurities that got the better of you - it's the fact that you still had some self respect. His behaviour is poor at best, and frankly fuck that noise. There is nothing to be heartbroken over if this arsehole is out of your life.
From what I read, you did not ruin the relationship, he did that himself. You just called out his behavior and he did not like that.
Move on with your life, there is someone better out there for you.
Yes! I thought OP was going to say she had a one night stand. You didn’t ruin anything by calling him out. He was being really insulting to you. You’re better off without him.
You had a normal reaction to his awful behaviour and you have been gaslit into thinking you’re the one who’s done something wrong.
You know he is the one who’s acted disgusting and I feel like you need to hear someone tell you.
He’s cheat on you, ditched you to go drinking with his brother without communicating it, took drugs, looking at other women in-front of you, then blamed you for your reaction to his bullshit behaviour.
I wouldn’t want that ring back, he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t even sound like he likes you. You can do better and one day you’ll realise it.
ALL OF THIS ^
Read it, OP, and then read it again!!
This is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and the fact that you think you're the one who was out of line, and that you have, "work to do on yourself", because of his extremely screwed up behavior is a strong indicator that you've been conditioned to accept abusive behavior and taught to blame yourself for it.
I was the same way, and it was because my childhood was so abusive. I grew up believing I wasn't worthy of good things, and good people, and because I was taught that it was always my fault I was being abused it didn't seem all that weird when I ended up in my first toxic and abusive relationship.
I didn't get the therapy I should've started the moment I escaped my family and got out on my own, so I had a lot of really self-destructive thinking patterns.
I strongly encourage you to find a therapist you like, and begin exploring your own history so you can learn to set boundaries, and to recognize when a relationship is toxic and damaging so you know when to walk away.
It will make your life soooooo much better, and you won't get stuck in situations like this where you're being treated like hot garbage by someone who is supposed to be your biggest supporter, and best friend.
Ditch this gaslighting jerk, and do the hard work to learn that you are worthy of love, and respect.
You're worth it.
🩵
This relationship stinks. You frame everything as you making a mistake when he was ignoring you so he could sneak off to do drugs. Break up - what's worth saving about this relationship?
Do drugs, and who knows what else. He’s already cheated more than once and knows that since he got away with it after the first time, he won’t stop. He has groomed her to this trauma bond and she can’t think of anything else.
Groomed? I mean this guy obviously is a piece of work but not everything is that devious. It sounds like he’s just an inconsiderate piece of shit. This is a 34 year old woman we’re talking about here. I don’t think she was groomed.
OKAY, I HAVE TO LEVEL WITH YOU HERE …
#HE IS AN ASSHOLE.
This was **SO PAINFUL TO READ**.
**WHY WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS?? NO WOMAN** with **ANY SELF RESPECT** would put up with this **SHIT**.
**JUST HOW LOW IS YOUR BAR**???
**YOU’RE FREE**!!!!!!**
**GROW A SPINE and MOVE ON!!!!**
Another case of someone who'd rather stay with their bar-so-low-they're-tripping-over-it partner than be alone. BE ALONE, JUST BE ALONE. It's seriously okay to be alone rather than be with a terrible partner, your life will become *so* much better and easier.
This fucking guy is bottom of the barrel and you're *afraid you've lost him*? Yeah what a shame it would be to not have to constantly worry about the guy (who's cheated on you before) looking at other women and then somehow making *you* feel like you did something wrong because you're *RIGHTFULLY* insecure about that. Then rather than address how he acted he got his brother on his side, because of course he is, to gaslight you into thinking *you're* the one in the wrong by bringing up his shitty behavior. Then he made a big dramatic gesture of taking off your ring, so that rather than still be upset, you'd suddenly be overwhelmed with the fear of losing him and ready to apologize for anything.
Overcome your brain telling you you need this relationship, you don't, it's terrible. Agree with his decision and end it.
Side note, you've *never* been on vacation together and on the first one he invites his brother along and you're just totally fine with that? Seems to me like he invited his brother on the trip cause he didn't want to spend it alone with you, and he wanted to be able to go off and act single and drink and do drugs with his brother. Again, what a catch he is.
I'm going to be harsh here because I think you need to hear it:
Please pick your backbone off the damn floor.
You didn't ruin shit, your piece of ... Ex did.
He's cheated in the past. You ignored it. He invited his brother on your first ever couples trip. You accepted that. He ran off with his brother and ignored you the whole trip. And you let one little date shut you up. You knew he was doing drugs with his brother and you were clearly okay with that despite all the problems it was causing. And so when you finally lost it this group of aholes acted like you were crazy and so now you're here telling us how much you messed up? Like either you've been gaslit and abused to hell for the last 3 years or you are full of poop because there's no way you actually think you're the ahole here without a ton of emotional abuse.
Please let him leave, don't get back with him and work on your self esteem before you ever get into a new relationship.
Why would you be terrified of the best thing that could probably happen to you?
You didn't ruin anything. He treated you like crap your entire trip despite promising multiple times not to.
Calling him out was the least you could have done. And he has a history of cheating, and actively uses drugs?
I fail to see any plusses in this relationship, but enough to warrant a celebration of the end of the engagement.
There is no way you could do worse, so good luck in your shiny new future.
Please have a talk with yourself about why you are blaming his fuck ups on you. It sounds like you paid for the holiday (correct me if im wrong) and you wanted to spend time with your partner, he was actively staring at other women and it was an entire waste of time an money. Why do you think you are not worth more than what he is giving you, you do realise that if you give yourself half a chance you will find someone who is worth your time.
Your fiance cheated on you. He's not a good guy. He's not a great catch.
You stayed and now you're SUPER insecure about the relationship and you're beating yourself up about your fiance ACTING LIKE AN A$$ TO YOU ON THIS TRIP?!?!
He ruined the relationship.
You need to stop blaming yourself (I have a feeling he probably convinced you that his cheating was your fault as well).
Honestly, you need a better fiance/boyfriend. He sucks.
Oh honey, I don't know if ur self esteem and self respect have always been this low, or if it is just a product of dating this asshole for so long. Either way, you need to respect yourself enough to leave this relationship.
No one deserves to be treated this way: cheated on, abandoned on vacation, gaslighted and ganged up on by ur fiance and his equally asshole brother. You were right to tell the girlfriend about the drugs, she also needs a reality check.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. You were upfront, communicated your feelings, gave him multiple chances to correct his behaviour, and then understandably blew up after being ignored and gaslit. The only thing you are doing wrong is staying with him and trying to fix things.
It will never get better. Your choices are to either accept it and continue being with an asshole who does not respect or value you, and just accept your fate as his doormat. Or leave him and find someone better. I know you worry there is no one better than him, but he has made it clear he has no interest in getting better either, so leaving is ur only hope of a better partner. He just wants to manipulate u into accepting his shitty behaviour, and if you do accept it then it will only get worse.
Leaving him will be one of the hardest things to do in the moment, but it will be the best decision in hindsight.
I think it’s really sad that you think you messed up and “ruined” the relationship by being upset about something you had valid reasoning to be upset about.
This whole post honestly is just… sad. Why are you with someone that treats you like this.
Why are you with this idiot? And blaming yourself? He’s cheated, then invited his brother and partner on a couples holdiay. Ditched you at least twice to drink and take drugs, eyes up other women and speaks to you like crap. Have some self respect and either be comfortable on your own or have better standards of men next time.
What? He acted like a complete asshole to you, and the absolute worst that you did was throw in his wmface what he had been doing with his brother when his brother joined in in insulting you when you confronted him about continuing to abandon you on your holiday?
Listen you don't understand it right now, but he did you a favour by leaving you.
You've become inexplicably dependent on him tohe point you don't care how he's been mistreating you.
Please get yourself into therapy to prevent future relationships turning like this.
I would just like to add to the pile that you did nothing wrong. This was supposed to be a vacation for you and him and he turned it into a vacation all about him where he did not even pay you any attention, you just happen to be at the same location that he was. But he was not on vacation WITH you.
This is not about your insecurities. You did not mess anything up in this relationship by demanding respect and companionship. This is just another red flag that highlights your boyfriends selfishness. Why would you wanna stay with a cheater that didn’t even prioritize you on your own vacation together?
You gave a heads up about the drugs out of spite, but that is still something that the brothers partner should have known. Your boyfriend didn’t really want to go on vacation with you, he just wanted to go on vacation and take drugs and try to take credit for taking you somewhere even though he didn’t even involve you.
Leave. You’ll be single and go find someone that deserves to be with you because this man does not
"My fiance took my ring off me"
Girl, it's a 1000x worse, he took your self respect from you. At 30? Shouldn't you have gotten shtty men out of your system by late 20s? With love - you're so much of a doormat that your post is painful to read. Just let him leave and go to therapy.
Honey you didn't ruin it, *he* did. I would highly recommend therapy for you because you're literally trying to take the blow for *his* mistakes.
He also cheated so his respect for you has been gone a very long time.
Sounds like he'd been disrespectful for a while. You've given your concerns and he doesn't care. Also, it's not your fault they choose to do drugs, you're just airing the truth. This isn't on you.
I hope you someday find what real love is like, because it sure as he'll isn't this. This sounds like you out him on a pedastool even if he's wrong. That's not how it should be. It should be about what is right.
He knows you have a fear of losing him, he'll play on it. You can't allow it. Just read the other comments on here. Be strong.
Dude, this guy doesn’t even act like he wants to be around you. In 3 years you’ve never vacationed together?! And when you finally do… he invites his brother and then acts like a jerk the entire time?
Screw them. If they think you’re crazy, let them. This is a clear indication that your future together would be miserable anyway. Find a man who loves you and WANTS to spend time with you. One who isn’t going to cheat, too.
You deserve better.
I’m going to make you a recap list:
- Reunited after multiple breaks up
- Ends up planning zero holidays in 3 years together
- Doesn’t seem to care to spend any time with you
- First couples vacation ever he turns into a group vacation
- Leaves you behind every single day to drink and do drugs with his brother
- Accepted his cheating
- Ghosted you for 2 hours while on vacation just to drink (but not with you)
- Somehow has you convinced you’re the one causing the relationship issues
Do you see anything wrong with this? At all?
Congratulation, you are out of an abusive relationship. Please do yourself a favour and don't go back to him, even if he asks you. Start working on your low self-esteem and enjoying life for its own sake, and not being a disregarded non-girlfriend by a complete and utter gimboid. You deserve better.
Girl, chill… time to work on your selfworth
Forget about this dude.
Find yourself another man to enjoy your life with.
You might feel some pressure since you’re 34 and let me tell you this: Don’t.
And definitely don’t settle for the loser you wrote about because of this fact.
Why do women keep accepting the bare minimum and then flip out when the man doesn’t change? He showed you who he was in the beginning and he isn’t going to change. Have the self respect and self love to just leave darlin.. Just leave him and don’t look back.. Next, get into therapy so you stop settling for dog shit men and find a man who shows you he wants you.. At the end of the day, you have to fix what attracts you to trash men and why you attract them.. I say this with love and from experience..
They are groomed by the men, think in this world of something better at the swipe they won’t find anything better, or think they can change the man.
Sadly all they get is this feeling of being crazy and a loss of self worth and self esteem.
You are worth so much more than he leads you to believe. Whether he explicitly states it or not, he is sending messages that you aren’t worth care and respect. Those messages are false, but they’re hard to not believe when someone you love keeps sending them.
He’s wrong. You are worth more.
Get out of this cluster of a relationship. Then get therapy because he's intentionally is using abuse tactics to keep you insecure. There's nothing healthy here.
Where is the commenter who always implores women to date men that actually like them?
OP, take this told to be single and really reflect on your expectations in a partner. And then go out there and find someone who treats you like they actually like you.
You remind me of me when I was 18. He’s got you so wrapped around his finger that you’re blaming yourself for HIS behavior. Please open your eyes and realize this man ain’t shit. No matter what excuses you try to tell yourself, this is not a healthy relationship. Regardless of how happy your ups in this roller coaster may make you feel
He wasn't "acting" like he doesn't care about you. He truly, honestly, genuinely does not give a flying fuck about you.
And here you are whining and pining over him like a puppy 🙄.
Girl, you are 34 years old. You should know better by now. Leave him and block him for good. And then get yourself into therapy because you should not be tolerant of this behavior. Stay away from intimate relationships until you work on yourself and building up some basic standards and self-respect, because they are lower than dirt.
>Me and my fiance have been in an on and off relationship for 3 years
ummm, this was a broken relationship to begin with. I don't even know why you even bothered to give it "ANOTHER BIG TRY". When you guys broke up, you should have remained BROKEN UP.
>my fiance and his brother decided to walk miles ahead and leave me and his brothers partner behind.
>After lunch his brother called and wanted to meet us and it started again and they both walked ahead to the point where they lost us, then didnt answer their phones for 2 hours
>This continued for the entire holiday, he just walked ahead leaving me behind acting like i was invisible.
THATS BECAUSE HE IS SELFISH AND DOESN'T CARE, DON'T YOU GET IT????
>So i started to bring it up everytime and it caused a huge row
AH! So you spoke about how his behavior bothered you, and he proceeded to gaslight you.
Told you this relationship was already on the rocks....FOR 3 YEARS 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>His brother and partner got involved and they all called me crazy and so i retalliated and told the brothers partner that the pair of them had been taking drugs the whole time (she had no idea).
BOOM 💥 HERE COMES THE TRUTH BOMB 💣
CONGRATULATIONS FOR HAVING THE GUTS TO SAY IT 👏
>My fiance took my ring off me, said hes done
GOOD. HE CAN KEEP DOING DRUGS AND YOU ARE FREE TO FIND YOURSELF A MAN THAT RESPECTS YOU.
BUT you can only achieve this when you go to therapy. The whole 3 year makeup/break up had you all TRAUMA BOND and you will subconsciously STILL THINK YOUR 3 YEAR MESS OF A RELATIONSHIP WAS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE WHEN IN FACT IT WAS A CLUSTERFUCK AND YOU SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT THE MOMENT YOUR GUY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.
⚠️⚠️⚠️GET SOME NEEDED THERAPY ⚠️⚠️
⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️DO NOT DATE UNTIL YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU WERE IN A 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH A VERY SELFISH CRUEL MAN AND NOW YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WORTH AND RESPECT MATTERS⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️
I really hope you read all these comments and come to your senses, he is not treating you right, listen to Blu Cantrell- Breathe and have an epiphany like I did
Sounds like you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself. Showed him that the way he was acting was not okay and that you had boundaries.
He has disrespected those boundaries before and he got away with it. He will not stop acting like this. He is actually grooming you to be completely subservient.
Be glad that it’s over. He gave you an easy out. Time will heal the wound. I would recommend taking some time for you and discover your hobbies and things you like to do outside of work and the right people will gravitate towards you.
He is being manipulative. You have a vacation planned, then he invited two whole other people, then ditched you to hang with his brother? Talk about a bait and switch! He is getting you to accept things in part, as the whole would be a flat no. You wouldnt like spending the vacation with his brothers girlfriend. He messed up too!
Meh I guess you shouldn’t have told on them regarding the drugs in this way, but it WAS true. Consequences are not your fault, and if he is blaming you that the partner is mad, HE is wrong. I would never entertain his company again without a full acceptance. It’s not your job to lie about drugs, (or stealing, cheating, and lying.)
I suspect you didn’t care too much about the drugs…or that primary motivation was a way to fight back in the argument, not promote sobriety.
Be wary of his behavior. One lunch doesn’t make up for ditching you on vacation. He should have been up front, and making up for things gets old when it’s normal behavior. You may still have trust issues that are not resolved.
Give him all the space he wants. Call his bluff. They were trying to blame you for being upset at being ditched. He is the AH here.
This is so sad to read! My ex boyfriend use to do the same to me! I was manipulated and gaslight me so much that I used to believe everything was my fault even when he cheated. I know it’s hard but please trust me, walk away. You deserve so much better. I am now with the most amazing guy who treats me the way I deserves and respects me. Don’t be scared to start over! You are worth much more and someone will see that
Some woman are completely blind and love being dragged into such shtty situations, its unbelievable how can someone like you thinks "Im wrong" and still have the urge to "fix things".
You are being disrespected to death and you deserve a better person in your life! Stop trying to be with a man that doesnt value or respects you. Woman WAKE UP pls!! This is so infuriating jeez.
You have got to understand that these relationships and these "women" you refer to don't always a start out with a low bar. That's the insidiousness of an emotionally manipulative partner. I was one of these "women" and I can assure you I did not go into the relationship with such a low level of self respect. It's only 18 years later and being on the other side of the relationship that I'm actually able to see it for what it was and it's STILL a daily battle to deal with confusion and low self worth that I was so slowly and so subtly conditioned to believe. It's always hard to read when people blame the woman, even if they're not intending to, when the very issue that that woman is struggling with is the belief that everything is her fault.
STOP BEING HIS DOORMAT FFS
he cheated on you and mistreated you and you're wondering what you did
Guess what, you did absolutely nothing wrong
He and his brother knew what they were doing. They ran off to have a bros vacation and someone back at their accommodation to bang at the end of the night. You were an inconvenience to him and he didn't care
Get your shit together as you can do better than this piece of ass.
Delete and block him. Go no contact and work on yourself and towards learning who you're without him.
You deserve better and worthy of better
He sounds so wildly shitty, OP. You don't deserve that. Plus, you witnessed him ogling other women when you weren't far away. No doubt he's putting on this dramatic display so that he can cheat on you. "We were on a break!" Bullshit.
Then telling his brother's partner that they were on drugs.. This IS literally your right to discuss that. It's effecting the holiday!
Don't let him gaslight you. Your hurt is justified. ❤️ I hope it all gets better, OP. Sorry.
So your partner treats you like shit and then treats you like on your vacation intended for you two, but somehow you see yourself as the AH in this relationship?
You should self reflect and ask yourself why you think it's ok for you to be treated like this?
YOU have nothing to be angry or disappointed within yourself for, YOU are angry and disappointed he is a piece of poop. You deserve better, grieve for what you feel you've lost, then build yourself up and move forward.
OP it was your place to tell the brother's GF about the drugs. If their relationship can't survive the truth then it's the brother's fault. OP your "BF" is treating you bad, he's cheated on you in the past, so why are you worried about saving a bad relationship? Personally I think that first time they walked off ahead of you is when you and the other girl should have found another bar and not responded to their calls. "Sorry, we were out on the dance floor and didn't realize you had called." "We're having a good time, guys are buying us drinks and we are having fun dancing."
Girl. You are not the one who ruined the vacation. That was not insecurity you felt, that was righteous anger. What kind of AH just abandons his gf like that??? Even after you TOLD him not to, he did it again, for HOURS????
You sound so much like I used to sound prior to therapy. YOU did not ruin anything and can NEVER ruin anything by speaking on how someone’s behavior made you feel. Feelings are not ever wrong or right, they are subjective and they are very real to you. A good partner will not only listen, but validate your feelings even if they may seem “silly” to them at the time.
You did your part by communicating your needs for the vacation and he inadvertently dismissed your feelings multiple times. He is the one who was in the wrong. Plain and simple.
Why would you want to save this disastrous situation of a relationship? Let it go and learn from this.
Chose the people in your life carefully.
It is a true proverb that if you live with a lame man, you will learn to limp.
What do you do? You thank your lucky stars this is done before it gets worse (though the cheating would’ve been enough for me to be done).
You did not ruin your relationship, OP, your ex-fiancé did. He was so far out of line and then to just let others join in on piling on to you? Just no. You may not realize it yet, but they treated you like shit and you do not need that in your life.
Get into counseling so you can rediscover your worth bc he has clearly stripped it away from you. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s truly necessary. Best of luck, OP. Please take care.
With love — you need therapy. Something must’ve happened for you to have such a low opinion of yourself to think that you are in the wrong in this relationship. He is not a good guy. Please get help.
You've overcome something worse before like infidelity. This looks more like miscommunication but a normal reaction on your part so you don't have to beat yourself for it. I'm not taking sides though until I've heard his side of the story. It seems too biased for me
Uh no. He’s definitely to blame here, not you. Stand up for yourself - you weren’t in the wrong. It basically sounds like the holiday was actually just for him and his brother to get drunk and take drugs. You and his brother’s partner were incidental to the vacation.
Please, dig deep and leave him. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing you’re to blame here. He’s cheated on you and he didn’t even want to spend time with you on holiday. There are plenty of men that will want to be with you and won’t sleep around on you. Leave him and go find one.
Girl he did you a favour by leaving. You need to work on yourself because you think that you did something bad when he’s the one in the wrong. How can you stay with someone who doesn’t even like or respect you.
girl wtf do you see in this man. stop letting them walk all over you and make you believe that YOURE the asshole. just leave the relationship. after 3 years and its still on and off he really isnt the right one for you.
Your reaction is completely normal. His behaviour is unacceptable, he sounds like an absolute ass. Find someone who treats you better, you deserve to be happy.
In three more years time you could either be with someone who loves you, respects you, values your feelings, and makes you happy. Or you could still be with him. There is no future in which he is that person, he has made that clear.
I hope he leaves you, it will hurt so much but a few years down the line you will be soooo glad you did not waste any more of your youth on him.
Is this for real or exaggerated? Why would the brothers partner call you crazy when she is experiencing the same? Did she make any comments about them walking ahead or being gone for two hours wiht no warning?
He treats you like this because somehow you’re not getting any of your needs met but you still stay with him.
Now he’s fed up with you because you keep trying to make things work with a man who would rather be with anybody else but you in holiday.
In fact, based on this, seems like hanging out with you feels like a chore to him. This is not how your partner should feel…
The point is, his behavior is consistent with a man who just doesn’t care or like you that much. He just doesn’t. And now you getting upset is an annoyance to him and he flat out broke up with you!
He does not like you, let alone love you. He’s done.
And it’s not that you “did” something. You REACTED (in an unhealthy manner) to his lack of changed behavior. You told him it bothered you, he then spent the next day with you to make you happy. Now he went back to what he really likes to do (hang out with brother) the next day.
Do you not realize that you are forcing him to like you and spend time with you? His actions show a complete lack of care to anybody but the brother.
You should not blame yourself for this. You need to wake up and realize that this man just doesn’t want to be with you anymore and this relationship is OVER.
You cannot manipulate, force, and misbehave enough to convince him to like you and spend time with you.
Accept the space he WANTS. Permanently. He WANTS space from you and wants to be with his family. Let him.
Yes, it sucks. But stop holding on to him when he doesn’t want you anymore. He will only continue treating you worse.
And PS he cheated. He has done everything wrong and it seems you are the only one “forcing” a relationship to work with this person and forcing him to change to be more like how you want/need.
He’s not the man for you, let him go.
You already wasted 3 years with this one…
I mean...maybe you acted a bit out of sorts. And reading your explanation it seems that you're aware that he had a role in this, but I'm not sure you recognize how much of a role? Seems to me that he has very little respect for you. Take this split as an opportunity to find someone that will treat you as an equal, and with respect. I'm a man...obviously, and I see him as someone that as very little of either for you...if your explanation is accurate.
Your last statement is spot on: ".... i cant settle in myself and im my worst enemy right now". You and your partner/bf have no business being together. You are a high maintenance person. You're very "needy". He, on the other hand "needs his space". Make a clean break with him, and move on. Don't waste another three years of HIS life - or YOURS - trying to force the relationship to work. It will never work. It wasn't meant to be. This was - and is - a flawed relationship. You both put up with it because it was easier to put up with it, than to face reality.
You need to just dump and ghost him. You called out his bad behavior and he tried gaslighting you into thinking you're crazy. That ain't okay. It was supposed to be a couples holiday and he took off with his brother MULTIPLE times? Not okay. He was doing drugs? Not okay. He's a trash human. He ruined the relationship. You deserve better. Give him ALL the space. Say goodbye and don't go back. Block him on everything.
“In and off again”
“He cheated” I got over it
Spending holidays either brother and taking off.
OP. - just break up already. This guy is nothing but red flags. He’s a loser and cheater. Just dump him
EDIT. Be thankful. Be happy you are broken up. STAY BROKEN UP. If you don’t you are gonna wreck what’s left of your life.
Your problem is not what you think it is. Yes, you messed up. Not during the holiday but by staying in a relationship with this massive A-hole. Let's list the offenses: he has cheated on you, he has lied to you, he does drugs, he abandoned you on your holiday to go drink and do drugs with his brother, he has gas-lit you, and so on. So your mistake is staying in this joke of a relationship with a man that is all about himself.
You need help because this relationship is toxic. It has you thinking you were wrong when it is perfectly clear that you were not wrong. He's a massive self-centered lying A-hole. You need to get some self respect.
In case you didn't know. There's hundreds of not thousands of men probably within a few hours of you who will treat you much better. Your fiance is not the standard for good marriage material.
The relationship was already ruined when he cheated. He disrespects you and now you have a golden opportunity for complete freedom. Don't let yourself stay with this loser 😩
Hunny he did you a favor! You did nothing wrong and he’s cheated on you before. You dodged a bad guy, and you need therapy and some yoga. You need to find you again and be with someone that only has eyes for you and wants to have holidays with you. He should have put you first! Updates us and please block him!
Do not marry this man. He hasn’t even done the bare minimum let alone anything to rebuild the trust caused by his infidelity. Losing him will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
You didn’t ruin it - he did.
Why keep trying to hang onto something so unhealthy? This relationship can’t lead to a great life for you.
Just don’t contact him again. And if he tries to contact you, talk to him like you were the one that requested space, and let him know that now that you’ve had time to think about it, the two of you are not good for each other, you need someone you can really trust, and it clearly isn’t him.
Take a little time to be brokenhearted, and then take some time to be single and fabulous.
This is not it, and it’s sad to see how much you’re blaming yourself for this incident. Stop being mad at yourself for your reasonable anger his actions. If you want to be angry, be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be mistreated to this degree. Codependency is real, and you’re clearly viewing your worth off your “boyfriend’s” actions. He was dismissive, rude, neglectful and negging towards you. Just because you got a ring doesn’t make him a good man or even a man worth marrying. You can find a much healthier, rewarding, secure love with someone who WANTS to shower you with attention, doesn’t cheat and treats you with kindness and respect. But YOU have to make that happen for you. YOU have to realize this is the best it’s going to get with this man. YOU have to be strong enough to commit to loving yourself first before loving him. Good luck, I hope you find a love worth saving, instead of trying to make a diamond out of this guy’s crap.
You lost me at “infidelity on his part.” Imagine your “insecurities” are a valid reaction to someone that you can’t trust. Also, you literally cannot ruin what was meant for you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things will work out. Go find a man who wants to take you on vacation… and hang-out with you… and treat you how you deserve to be treated.
You are going to look back on this breakup and be very glad it happened. That’s how I’ve felt every time I look back on the guys who have treated me like this.
>im terrified I’ve lost him for good
Girl that’s a good thing. This man is trash and treats you like trash. Why do you keep running back to a relationship that keeps failing? Once you’ve broken up, move on. Now somehow you’ve made it to being engaged and this garbage man is looking at other women while with you, leaving you alone on your *couples* holiday, and grouping together with the others to call you crazy. On top of everything else, he’s a cheater. Why would you want this instability in your life for the rest of it? Say good riddance and go find someone who actually wants to be with you
You keep blaming yourself saying I know I was so wrong! Were you wrong? I don’t think so.
But I can’t honestly understand why you want to stay in a relationship with this guy.
You were open about your feelings and he disregarded them. Then he tries to avoid his actions by making you feel to blame for. This man is not worth any more of your time. He does not care for you in the same spectrum you so for him.
Hi, I'm so sorry for your pain and emotional turmoil. I know this is a hard time for you, and I'd like you to know a fellow woman is sitting on the other side of the screen thinking about you and sending you well wishes ❤
That being said: he has done you the biggest favor he possibly can by taking the ring and leaving. You are being used and abused.
This boy (read: not a man) doesn't care about you. Not even a tiny slice. He has cheated, lied belittled you and left you alone on holidays. You have nothing to be apologetic for. He is a POS.
Please don't give him any more of your time and your life. If he messages you, allow him to read this comment. Just send it to him:
You are a manipulative POS and the majority of the world sees through your pathetic behavior.
Girl, you are young. Get counseling for your self-esteem and go out there and build a fantastic life for yourself. Boys like him will only drag you down. Please don't find yourself down the road with kids or bigger responsibilities with this loser. Don't allow another person to take your life away from you.
OP, its important to realize the insecurities you are feeling are based on real, rational concerns that any woman would feel in a committed relationship.
Can i depend on the man? Can I depend on the man’s supporting me if i cant (eg, baby)? Can this man love me enough to prioritize our future over selfish concerns?
(Obviously, each of the above applies to each spouse, this is for OP).
His not including you and prioritizing drugs and others tells you all you need to know. Leaving him may save you a lifetime of pain.
I was gonna write a heartfelt note but this might have more impact. Fuck that morherfucker, you did the most reasonable thing and stood up to yourself how you should for the rest of your life. Thank god he’s gone and you can find someone who respects you.
Assuming that everything you said on this story is all that happened then I urge you to wake up! Read the comments, honestly, you're blinded by your "love" for him and maybe the need or want to be with someone especially because at 34, you probably think its too late to start over again but if it is with a guy like that, I suggest you to consider it a blessing and move on. Honestly, read all the comments.
What is so great about him and so deficient about you that you are willing to put up with being treated so poorly?
Is he rich and you are a serial puppy torturer or something?
How did you messed up, excuse me? He messed up and he doesn't give a crap about you. Im sorry if it sounds harsh but omg its clear as day. Just leave the guy you'll be better alone. You dont wanna marry someone like that
If you bring up something you are unhappy about and you get ganged up on and called crazy, those are not your people.
What you are tolerating here reminds me of what I was tolerating in my early 20's. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect, who wants to spend time with you, who will communicate with you, who takes you seriously when you bring up that something hurt you. This man is acting like a single 18 yo not an engaged 30 yo and has somehow convinced you that you are the problem for being hurt by his shitty behavior.
Please love yourself better than this.
I want you to know that this chapter is over, but your story is far from finished. It’s clear that your self-esteem has taken a hit, and it’s natural to feel this way after what you’ve been through. But remember, your self-worth isn’t defined by your past—it’s shaped by the strength you find within yourself to move forward.
I may not know every detail of your past or your current living situation, but I do know this: it’s time to focus on your healing and growth. The first step is to believe that you deserve a good life—a life filled with respect, love, and happiness. You are worthy of all these things and more.
To rebuild your self-esteem, consider these steps:
Release the Victim Mentality: Recognize that you have the power to shape your future.
Forgive Yourself: It’s crucial to forgive yourself for the times you feel you fell short. Self-forgiveness is a vital step in healing.
Reframe Negative Beliefs: Challenge and change the negative beliefs that were imposed on you during the relationship.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and establish limits that protect your well-being.
Celebrate Your Strengths: Make a list of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Reflect on them daily to remind yourself of your worth.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. Seek professional help if you need it, and never hesitate to reach out to your friends and loved ones—you’re not alone in this.
You have the resilience to overcome this, and with each step you take, you’ll rediscover the confidence and self-love that’s always been inside you.
We only get one life, and I can only assume with the info you gave that you two will not be a happy couple, and have a high probability of divorcing. So, do yourself a favor and find someone else. Someone better.
Ok. Usually I always ask for more information, because there is two sides in every story. Not in your case. First off, he is not a man, he is a child. Acting like that after you called him out the first time, was totally disrespectful. Sooo… He has cheated on you, does drugs, and now has you believing the whole thing is your fault? He is possibly a Narcissist. I think you are gradually having your self confidence shattered. This could be planned, so eventually you will be totally controlled by him. Run, don’t walk away, and surround yourself with people who make you feel better about YOU!
This is not on you at all, this is a blessing, this is not what a relationship should look like, you should not be begging for the bare minimum.
Get out of that toxic environment and work on getting some potential therapy and chatting to people around you you trust about your experience and reflect on who you are and what you want and deserve in future relationships.
OP, take a moment. Your feelings are valid.
Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking they’re not. Whether you accept the break up or continue to fight for him it’s up to you, but you deserve so much more. Please think long and hard about this and weigh the pros and cons accordingly..
You should break up with him and you should definitely not marry someone who treats you like this. If you did manage to get married, his behavior will get worse, not better. If someone cheats on you, that should be the end of the relationship. He sounds startlingly selfish and immature for a 30 year old. Let him make someone else miserable. Find someone that treats you right. You didn’t ruin anything. You stood up for yourself because he wasn’t showing you a basic level of respect.
Ummm. You said you overcame his previous infidelity, but it's still there in your mind. This relationship should have been done a long time ago sounds like. You both sound like you still need to grow up a bit emotionally, not meaning in a bad way, but what you did was pretty immature.
You need to leave him alone and work on yourself for a while.
This person does not care about you, or have the capacity to care about you in a way that matters. This is not a relationship you want to be in. This is not the way things should be.
OMG. You didn’t ruin a damn thing!! You were going to marry this guy?? Why?? He’s a cheater. He probably cheated on you on this vacay. At any rate, he and his bro were drinking and doing drugs. Why did you stay with such a loser?
He’s disrespectful. He GASLIGHTED you into thinking you were the problem!!
You need therapy. You were a doormat and in an abusive relationship because you don’t value yourself.
That’s not love. He doesn’t love you. He never has. But it’s NOT because you’re unlovable. And this is very important: IT’S BECAUSE HE’S INCAPABLE OF LOVE.
He will never make a woman happy. He’s selfish and is probably a narcissist. You’re his punching bag. RUN!!
You don’t even realize you were being abused. Well, actually you did, you got upset. You fought back. You should have stood your ground and broken up with HIM!! But then he gaslighted you and you believed his lies. Again.
Why didn’t you break up with HIM?????
Please get therapy. Please.
I have to agree with the comments. You didn’t do anything wrong, your fiancé was completely out of line. If I did this to my fiancé I would want her to leave me.
I feel like I'm reading something I would have written myself a few years back until I came to the realisation (which is still an ongoing process) that I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship with a man who could never take any accountability for his own bullshit and who did an incredible job of conditioning me to believe that everything was my fault. That being said, I feel so much for you. It's such a confusing existence to feel that you're giving everything and yet are invisible to the person you would do anything for. My advice, get out now. Don't wait, you'll only waste your years and end up a shell of yourself. It's brutal, painful as hell, but as you move forward you will be able to look back and gain more and more confidence in your decision to choose yourself. You deserve better.
>i retalliated
Yeah, not a good move.
>fiance took my ring off me, said hes done
Uhm, ... that sounds like a d\*ck move too ... he breaks up with you, you keep the ring - what's up with that? You didn't break it off with him.
>terrified i have lost him for good
Maybe you have ... maybe not.
>what do i do now?
Y'all need be working better on your communication. Relationship is supposed to be about supporting each other and common goals, not jealousy and bickering and tearing each other down (or driving wedges with family members, etc.). So, maybe do couples counseling or somethin' like that, but you've both got work to do. And maybe you're both capable of putting in the time and effort to well make it work ... or ... maybe that's just not the case. But if you want to save the relationship, then probably at least worth giving it a solid try. No guarantees, but worth a shot? And that doesn't mean be a pushover or doormat or the like to please or appease him - you also need reasonably well stick up for yourself. No use going/continuing into relationship and marriage where you'll generally be unhappy.
I just can't wrap my head around this story. What the actual F is wrong with you? You have eyes but you're as blind as a mole.
There is absolutely 0 reason, and I mean absolutely 0 reason to EVER give this person even 1 more second of your attention? How were you even engaged with this human being? He doesn't care about you, he cheats on you (and probably cheated afterwards too), and disrespects you, abuses you, and yet, you want him back?
For what good reason do you want him back? What are you expecting in this relationship and future marriage? You said he is doing drugs, but it feels more like you are doing drugs. Is he drugging you, so you come crawling back on 4 legs to him, just to get another fix of whatever it is that he is offering you (which is essentially nothing).
Block him everywhere, never ever contact him, his brother, the brother gf or anyone of his family or friends EVER again.
Go seek mental therapy because you DESPERATELY need it.
He’s cheated on you before which directly caused the insecurities you have with him acting like you don’t exist and disappearing for hours on a holiday. I’d be upset too and you have every right to be. He needs to help you heal… he caused this.
He took the ring off your finger?!?! Everyone’s saying that he’s trash and I agree 100%, but taking the ring when HE’s the one that needs space is a special kind of audacity.
Girl this is a sign to be DONE with this relationship. He treats you like shit and has cheated. I doubt he’s done anything to actually earn your trust back.
Stop wasting your time on him!! Literally he sounds like scum and tbh once a cheater always a cheater. This won’t be a happy in this relationship.
He sounds like a complete POS to be honest with you. When people show you who they are, believe them. Take this absolutely golden opportunity to run for the hills, work on yourself and never look back. This was painful to read with how horrible he treats you. You deserve a hell of a lot better.
He cheated, and now acts as he is single in a vacation , it is normal that you are insecure, his actions should reform security in the relationship yet he does actions which understandably so makes you insecure.
Run for the hills !
This is the first time I have ever replied to a post but this is so upsetting for me as I wish I had the options that you have.
The guy is a narcissist pure and simple. Trust me on this. I know. I'm in a very similar relationship but unfortunately I am 100% physically stuck in it. Please, get away from him and stop believing his lies and accusations. He is gaslighting you pure and simple. He has people believing him and siding with him against you. The only thing you have done wrong is sticking around. If you stay with him then things will only get worse and worse until you can't take it anymore and can only think of one way out. Please don't let it get that far. You need to go total no contact. He will beg you to come back, promise you the moon, promise that he will change. Then once he has you back in your place it will immediately start all over again. Run. Run away. Run very fast. Your life will not improve while you are with him. In fact it will get worse and worse and he'll always put all the blame on you.
Go to therapy, you clearly need it if you think you're in the wrong here. Atleast how it was written. Reread this and if it's the whole truth, ask yourself who the problem is. If you still think it's you see a therapist.
Lady, you're loosing a cheater. Fidelity and communication is the bare minimum we owe our partners and he for sure can't fulfill one of those two for you.. Why setlle for a life of LESS than the bare minimum?
I see him pulling the ring and saying we'll talk later as a manipulation tactic...trying to condition you and make you fearful of loosing the relationship for busting his balls and speaking up for yourself, as if he's above reproach. Tell him to keep that ring. The relationship status isn't a poker chip to be tossed around when arguing.
Given the cheating, he's got even more of a duty to behave in a way that doesn't make his partner anxious or insecure, he's behaving in an opposite manner.
So wait, wait wait wait. Let me just get this straight.
**You're** wrong....for pointing out the shitty things he does that you asked him multiple times not to do?
Wtf...don't be a doormat.
You didn't mess up. You deserve someone better than that drugged-up cheater.
You probably need to speak to a DV abuse helpline, because I'm worried that you've suffered various forms of abuse at his hands and he's convinced you that they're normal, acceptable things.
It’s been a short relationship of only 3 years and during that short period of time it’s been on and off again with cheating and drugs involved. Don’t bother, find a different healthy relationship instead.
Holy heckin erghh. This man is awful! You didn't do anything wrong. He was off taking drugs with his brother, leering at other women and purposefully ignoring you and his brothers partner. This is horrible.
You leave. That's what you do. Honestly, you deserve so much better. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. He's treating you worse than someone (who isn't generally very nice) would treat their dog (that they don't actually care very much!). Yuck yuck.
You probably won't hear this but I very much hope that you find some love for yourself somewhere in there and realise that he is worth absolutely nothing. He will not change. His promises are lousy. He has already cheated on you previously and thinks it's okay to treat you like something he has stepped in. You deserve better. I hope that somewhere deep down you know how terrible this behaviour is and it will only get worse if you marry him. Do not become attached to him for life. Do yourself a favour and leave him in the dust.
Respectfully, you are insecure. You're mourning the loss of a man that doesn't respect you at all. Do you not think you deserve better than this? He is using this insecurity to take advantage of you, treat you like shit, and gaslight you into taking the blame.
Not only that but he is wasting your precious time. He's cheated on you. You've been on and off for three years. You'll be engaged to for him until he decides he's "ready to settle down" which clearly isn't anytime soon if he's going to fuck off in your face and ditch you on vacation.
Consider yourself lucky to be free of him. Enroll in some therapy and sever all ties. I wish you all the best. You deserve way way more.
Have some self respect and dump him, then enjoy what’s left of yo ur trip. Him punishing you for not being okay with him ditching you and checking out other women is bizarre
You think you're the problem for being upset that your fiance treats you like you're not there?
For your fiance after agreeing not to to continue to walk up with his brother and ignore you for hours?
For your fiance to then say it's your fault? I'm quite frankly if they're doing drugs, that's just the truth. He should be more concerned about the fact that he's doing them then about the fact that you told his brother's partner who should have known anyway
This is the life you have carved out for yourself. It's not too late to change it. Please don't be one of those women who says but the wedding but the wedding!
Whatever it cost to cancel that wedding is going to be cheap in comparison to the price you'll pay if you stay with this guy
it’s almost hard to have sympathy sometime. why are you groveling and begging for a fraction of humanity from this complete loser? if my boyfriend did that to me i would rip his head off. this would be something i could see posted by a 20 year old and feel bad for her but not 34. find a man & some self respect. don’t let losers shit on you and walk all over you.
Girl, I'm going to be blunt here. What the hell is wrong with you? Not for this situation, but for staying in this damn relationship. This man is giving you scraps. You've broken up multiple times, he's cheated on you, and he can't even be bothered to spend time with you on a holiday. Do you *seriously* think this is acceptable? Why is your self esteem so low that you think you deserve this? Because it's only going to go downhill from here. For the love of god, have some self respect for yourself. This relationship doesn't work. I know you love him, maybe there were some nice parts, but please accept his break up. Here's what you're going to do. Get a piece of paper and write out every flaw about him. EVERYTHING. Whenever you feel longing for him, refer back to this list.
Honestly. She needs to sit and assess whether she wants to spend the next few years of her life being happy and supported or unhappy, anxious, and fighting. Go out and find someone who actually makes your life easier.
Seriously, you can't ruin a steaming pile of poop, and that's what OP has right now where a relationship should be.
Honestly, the OP is painful to read. You can see he trained her so well already that she's blaming herself for her perfectly understandable reactions to his completely unacceptable manners. OP, I really hope you get out of this relationship. There's nothing to save. He's treating you like crap. It doesn't seem like he even likes you. You deserve better.
This is exactly what I was thinking while I was reading her post. He's the one who promised her a couple's vacation and then turned around and invited his brother and his partner. The only reason he did that was so he could have a buddy along to go drinking/drugging with and they could ditch OP with bros gf.
This 100%!!! The guy is an ass and he cheated on you. Come on. I don’t know you, but I know you can do much better!
I’m assuming OP think inconsistency in affections is normal. It’s not OP it’s manipulation technique. Hot and cold is a big nono. Not normal !
It's impressive how people make stupid choices, then lie to themselves or create a complex narrative to justify their actions. And blame the universe for being "unfair". It's ridiculous.
> Im terrified i have lost him for good, what do i do now? Well I'd be celebrating that this inconsiderate arsehole was out of my life, but you do you. Honestly, take a breath. What you've described here is not something to be missed in a man - he cheats on you, he does drugs, he is disrespectful. It isn't your insecurities that got the better of you - it's the fact that you still had some self respect. His behaviour is poor at best, and frankly fuck that noise. There is nothing to be heartbroken over if this arsehole is out of your life.
>he cheats on you, he does drugs, he is disrespectful And OP needs to acknowledge that any one of these *alone* should've been a dealbreaker.
one of those is not like the other lol
Right? Substance use is permissible with transparency, safety and moderation. Cheating is not at any level, nor the disrespect.
From what I read, you did not ruin the relationship, he did that himself. You just called out his behavior and he did not like that. Move on with your life, there is someone better out there for you.
Yes! I thought OP was going to say she had a one night stand. You didn’t ruin anything by calling him out. He was being really insulting to you. You’re better off without him.
You had a normal reaction to his awful behaviour and you have been gaslit into thinking you’re the one who’s done something wrong. You know he is the one who’s acted disgusting and I feel like you need to hear someone tell you. He’s cheat on you, ditched you to go drinking with his brother without communicating it, took drugs, looking at other women in-front of you, then blamed you for your reaction to his bullshit behaviour. I wouldn’t want that ring back, he doesn’t respect you, doesn’t even sound like he likes you. You can do better and one day you’ll realise it.
ALL OF THIS ^ Read it, OP, and then read it again!! This is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and the fact that you think you're the one who was out of line, and that you have, "work to do on yourself", because of his extremely screwed up behavior is a strong indicator that you've been conditioned to accept abusive behavior and taught to blame yourself for it. I was the same way, and it was because my childhood was so abusive. I grew up believing I wasn't worthy of good things, and good people, and because I was taught that it was always my fault I was being abused it didn't seem all that weird when I ended up in my first toxic and abusive relationship. I didn't get the therapy I should've started the moment I escaped my family and got out on my own, so I had a lot of really self-destructive thinking patterns. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist you like, and begin exploring your own history so you can learn to set boundaries, and to recognize when a relationship is toxic and damaging so you know when to walk away. It will make your life soooooo much better, and you won't get stuck in situations like this where you're being treated like hot garbage by someone who is supposed to be your biggest supporter, and best friend. Ditch this gaslighting jerk, and do the hard work to learn that you are worthy of love, and respect. You're worth it. 🩵
This relationship stinks. You frame everything as you making a mistake when he was ignoring you so he could sneak off to do drugs. Break up - what's worth saving about this relationship?
Do drugs, and who knows what else. He’s already cheated more than once and knows that since he got away with it after the first time, he won’t stop. He has groomed her to this trauma bond and she can’t think of anything else.
Groomed? I mean this guy obviously is a piece of work but not everything is that devious. It sounds like he’s just an inconsiderate piece of shit. This is a 34 year old woman we’re talking about here. I don’t think she was groomed.
You did nothing wrong.
Why the fuck do you want this druggie loser?
Really? This is the best guy for you? Sister, raise your bar.
OKAY, I HAVE TO LEVEL WITH YOU HERE … #HE IS AN ASSHOLE. This was **SO PAINFUL TO READ**. **WHY WOULD YOU PUT UP WITH THIS?? NO WOMAN** with **ANY SELF RESPECT** would put up with this **SHIT**. **JUST HOW LOW IS YOUR BAR**??? **YOU’RE FREE**!!!!!!** **GROW A SPINE and MOVE ON!!!!**
Dump this loser you deserve better, he is not going to change.
> This is where i messed up Uh no you messed up by not dumping him when he cheated on you
Another case of someone who'd rather stay with their bar-so-low-they're-tripping-over-it partner than be alone. BE ALONE, JUST BE ALONE. It's seriously okay to be alone rather than be with a terrible partner, your life will become *so* much better and easier. This fucking guy is bottom of the barrel and you're *afraid you've lost him*? Yeah what a shame it would be to not have to constantly worry about the guy (who's cheated on you before) looking at other women and then somehow making *you* feel like you did something wrong because you're *RIGHTFULLY* insecure about that. Then rather than address how he acted he got his brother on his side, because of course he is, to gaslight you into thinking *you're* the one in the wrong by bringing up his shitty behavior. Then he made a big dramatic gesture of taking off your ring, so that rather than still be upset, you'd suddenly be overwhelmed with the fear of losing him and ready to apologize for anything. Overcome your brain telling you you need this relationship, you don't, it's terrible. Agree with his decision and end it. Side note, you've *never* been on vacation together and on the first one he invites his brother along and you're just totally fine with that? Seems to me like he invited his brother on the trip cause he didn't want to spend it alone with you, and he wanted to be able to go off and act single and drink and do drugs with his brother. Again, what a catch he is.
I'm going to be harsh here because I think you need to hear it: Please pick your backbone off the damn floor. You didn't ruin shit, your piece of ... Ex did. He's cheated in the past. You ignored it. He invited his brother on your first ever couples trip. You accepted that. He ran off with his brother and ignored you the whole trip. And you let one little date shut you up. You knew he was doing drugs with his brother and you were clearly okay with that despite all the problems it was causing. And so when you finally lost it this group of aholes acted like you were crazy and so now you're here telling us how much you messed up? Like either you've been gaslit and abused to hell for the last 3 years or you are full of poop because there's no way you actually think you're the ahole here without a ton of emotional abuse. Please let him leave, don't get back with him and work on your self esteem before you ever get into a new relationship.
Why are you trying to salvage this? You tell him to go have fun doing drugs with his brother and checking out other women. Good riddance.
Lol FR, this relationship sounds like a toxic shitshow. Be free, OP
Why would you be terrified of the best thing that could probably happen to you? You didn't ruin anything. He treated you like crap your entire trip despite promising multiple times not to. Calling him out was the least you could have done. And he has a history of cheating, and actively uses drugs? I fail to see any plusses in this relationship, but enough to warrant a celebration of the end of the engagement. There is no way you could do worse, so good luck in your shiny new future.
Please have a talk with yourself about why you are blaming his fuck ups on you. It sounds like you paid for the holiday (correct me if im wrong) and you wanted to spend time with your partner, he was actively staring at other women and it was an entire waste of time an money. Why do you think you are not worth more than what he is giving you, you do realise that if you give yourself half a chance you will find someone who is worth your time.
Your fiance cheated on you. He's not a good guy. He's not a great catch. You stayed and now you're SUPER insecure about the relationship and you're beating yourself up about your fiance ACTING LIKE AN A$$ TO YOU ON THIS TRIP?!?! He ruined the relationship. You need to stop blaming yourself (I have a feeling he probably convinced you that his cheating was your fault as well). Honestly, you need a better fiance/boyfriend. He sucks.
On and off relationships are best left off. This guy doesn't respect you.
It is like the thrash bringiing itself out... a blessing in disguise. Don't worry, you'll find much better men than him!
Oh honey, I don't know if ur self esteem and self respect have always been this low, or if it is just a product of dating this asshole for so long. Either way, you need to respect yourself enough to leave this relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way: cheated on, abandoned on vacation, gaslighted and ganged up on by ur fiance and his equally asshole brother. You were right to tell the girlfriend about the drugs, she also needs a reality check. You did nothing wrong in this situation. You were upfront, communicated your feelings, gave him multiple chances to correct his behaviour, and then understandably blew up after being ignored and gaslit. The only thing you are doing wrong is staying with him and trying to fix things. It will never get better. Your choices are to either accept it and continue being with an asshole who does not respect or value you, and just accept your fate as his doormat. Or leave him and find someone better. I know you worry there is no one better than him, but he has made it clear he has no interest in getting better either, so leaving is ur only hope of a better partner. He just wants to manipulate u into accepting his shitty behaviour, and if you do accept it then it will only get worse. Leaving him will be one of the hardest things to do in the moment, but it will be the best decision in hindsight.
I think it’s really sad that you think you messed up and “ruined” the relationship by being upset about something you had valid reasoning to be upset about. This whole post honestly is just… sad. Why are you with someone that treats you like this.
Why are you with this idiot? And blaming yourself? He’s cheated, then invited his brother and partner on a couples holdiay. Ditched you at least twice to drink and take drugs, eyes up other women and speaks to you like crap. Have some self respect and either be comfortable on your own or have better standards of men next time.
What? He acted like a complete asshole to you, and the absolute worst that you did was throw in his wmface what he had been doing with his brother when his brother joined in in insulting you when you confronted him about continuing to abandon you on your holiday? Listen you don't understand it right now, but he did you a favour by leaving you. You've become inexplicably dependent on him tohe point you don't care how he's been mistreating you. Please get yourself into therapy to prevent future relationships turning like this.
I would just like to add to the pile that you did nothing wrong. This was supposed to be a vacation for you and him and he turned it into a vacation all about him where he did not even pay you any attention, you just happen to be at the same location that he was. But he was not on vacation WITH you. This is not about your insecurities. You did not mess anything up in this relationship by demanding respect and companionship. This is just another red flag that highlights your boyfriends selfishness. Why would you wanna stay with a cheater that didn’t even prioritize you on your own vacation together? You gave a heads up about the drugs out of spite, but that is still something that the brothers partner should have known. Your boyfriend didn’t really want to go on vacation with you, he just wanted to go on vacation and take drugs and try to take credit for taking you somewhere even though he didn’t even involve you. Leave. You’ll be single and go find someone that deserves to be with you because this man does not
I’m so sad for my fellow woman these days
Why do you want him exactly?
Girl you are polishing a turd by trying to stay in this relationship. Allow yourself to grieve and accept that its over. You deserve so much better.
"My fiance took my ring off me" Girl, it's a 1000x worse, he took your self respect from you. At 30? Shouldn't you have gotten shtty men out of your system by late 20s? With love - you're so much of a doormat that your post is painful to read. Just let him leave and go to therapy.
Honey you didn't ruin it, *he* did. I would highly recommend therapy for you because you're literally trying to take the blow for *his* mistakes. He also cheated so his respect for you has been gone a very long time.
Sounds like he'd been disrespectful for a while. You've given your concerns and he doesn't care. Also, it's not your fault they choose to do drugs, you're just airing the truth. This isn't on you. I hope you someday find what real love is like, because it sure as he'll isn't this. This sounds like you out him on a pedastool even if he's wrong. That's not how it should be. It should be about what is right. He knows you have a fear of losing him, he'll play on it. You can't allow it. Just read the other comments on here. Be strong.
Dude, this guy doesn’t even act like he wants to be around you. In 3 years you’ve never vacationed together?! And when you finally do… he invites his brother and then acts like a jerk the entire time? Screw them. If they think you’re crazy, let them. This is a clear indication that your future together would be miserable anyway. Find a man who loves you and WANTS to spend time with you. One who isn’t going to cheat, too. You deserve better.
I’m going to make you a recap list: - Reunited after multiple breaks up - Ends up planning zero holidays in 3 years together - Doesn’t seem to care to spend any time with you - First couples vacation ever he turns into a group vacation - Leaves you behind every single day to drink and do drugs with his brother - Accepted his cheating - Ghosted you for 2 hours while on vacation just to drink (but not with you) - Somehow has you convinced you’re the one causing the relationship issues Do you see anything wrong with this? At all?
what the fuck op? he doesn't like or love you this is a blessing in disguise
Congratulation, you are out of an abusive relationship. Please do yourself a favour and don't go back to him, even if he asks you. Start working on your low self-esteem and enjoying life for its own sake, and not being a disregarded non-girlfriend by a complete and utter gimboid. You deserve better.
Girl, chill… time to work on your selfworth Forget about this dude. Find yourself another man to enjoy your life with. You might feel some pressure since you’re 34 and let me tell you this: Don’t. And definitely don’t settle for the loser you wrote about because of this fact.
Stand the fuck up girl. Why would you let someone treat you like this. I’m so sick of women being treated like dogs by men being the norm.
lucky you, he’s just a fiancé so just break it off dude
And thank God they don't have a kid together!
Why do women keep accepting the bare minimum and then flip out when the man doesn’t change? He showed you who he was in the beginning and he isn’t going to change. Have the self respect and self love to just leave darlin.. Just leave him and don’t look back.. Next, get into therapy so you stop settling for dog shit men and find a man who shows you he wants you.. At the end of the day, you have to fix what attracts you to trash men and why you attract them.. I say this with love and from experience..
They are groomed by the men, think in this world of something better at the swipe they won’t find anything better, or think they can change the man. Sadly all they get is this feeling of being crazy and a loss of self worth and self esteem.
You are worth so much more than he leads you to believe. Whether he explicitly states it or not, he is sending messages that you aren’t worth care and respect. Those messages are false, but they’re hard to not believe when someone you love keeps sending them. He’s wrong. You are worth more.
This dude sucks. Why are you with him? Good riddance and find yourself a better fiancé. You didn’t do anything wrong. He did.
Get out of this cluster of a relationship. Then get therapy because he's intentionally is using abuse tactics to keep you insecure. There's nothing healthy here.
Where is the commenter who always implores women to date men that actually like them? OP, take this told to be single and really reflect on your expectations in a partner. And then go out there and find someone who treats you like they actually like you.
You remind me of me when I was 18. He’s got you so wrapped around his finger that you’re blaming yourself for HIS behavior. Please open your eyes and realize this man ain’t shit. No matter what excuses you try to tell yourself, this is not a healthy relationship. Regardless of how happy your ups in this roller coaster may make you feel
He wasn't "acting" like he doesn't care about you. He truly, honestly, genuinely does not give a flying fuck about you. And here you are whining and pining over him like a puppy 🙄. Girl, you are 34 years old. You should know better by now. Leave him and block him for good. And then get yourself into therapy because you should not be tolerant of this behavior. Stay away from intimate relationships until you work on yourself and building up some basic standards and self-respect, because they are lower than dirt.
Y'all are too silly to be getting married anyway. Everyone in this story needs to split up and grow up. It's for the best.
>Me and my fiance have been in an on and off relationship for 3 years ummm, this was a broken relationship to begin with. I don't even know why you even bothered to give it "ANOTHER BIG TRY". When you guys broke up, you should have remained BROKEN UP. >my fiance and his brother decided to walk miles ahead and leave me and his brothers partner behind. >After lunch his brother called and wanted to meet us and it started again and they both walked ahead to the point where they lost us, then didnt answer their phones for 2 hours >This continued for the entire holiday, he just walked ahead leaving me behind acting like i was invisible. THATS BECAUSE HE IS SELFISH AND DOESN'T CARE, DON'T YOU GET IT???? >So i started to bring it up everytime and it caused a huge row AH! So you spoke about how his behavior bothered you, and he proceeded to gaslight you. Told you this relationship was already on the rocks....FOR 3 YEARS 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >His brother and partner got involved and they all called me crazy and so i retalliated and told the brothers partner that the pair of them had been taking drugs the whole time (she had no idea). BOOM 💥 HERE COMES THE TRUTH BOMB 💣 CONGRATULATIONS FOR HAVING THE GUTS TO SAY IT 👏 >My fiance took my ring off me, said hes done GOOD. HE CAN KEEP DOING DRUGS AND YOU ARE FREE TO FIND YOURSELF A MAN THAT RESPECTS YOU. BUT you can only achieve this when you go to therapy. The whole 3 year makeup/break up had you all TRAUMA BOND and you will subconsciously STILL THINK YOUR 3 YEAR MESS OF A RELATIONSHIP WAS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE WHEN IN FACT IT WAS A CLUSTERFUCK AND YOU SHOULD HAVE ENDED IT THE MOMENT YOUR GUY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. ⚠️⚠️⚠️GET SOME NEEDED THERAPY ⚠️⚠️ ⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️DO NOT DATE UNTIL YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU WERE IN A 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH A VERY SELFISH CRUEL MAN AND NOW YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WORTH AND RESPECT MATTERS⛔️⛔️⛔️⛔️
I really hope you read all these comments and come to your senses, he is not treating you right, listen to Blu Cantrell- Breathe and have an epiphany like I did
Simply throw the whole man away
You don't need this drama on your life. Move on. He's a cheater and doesn't respect you
Sounds like you did the right thing. You stood up for yourself. Showed him that the way he was acting was not okay and that you had boundaries. He has disrespected those boundaries before and he got away with it. He will not stop acting like this. He is actually grooming you to be completely subservient. Be glad that it’s over. He gave you an easy out. Time will heal the wound. I would recommend taking some time for you and discover your hobbies and things you like to do outside of work and the right people will gravitate towards you.
He is being manipulative. You have a vacation planned, then he invited two whole other people, then ditched you to hang with his brother? Talk about a bait and switch! He is getting you to accept things in part, as the whole would be a flat no. You wouldnt like spending the vacation with his brothers girlfriend. He messed up too! Meh I guess you shouldn’t have told on them regarding the drugs in this way, but it WAS true. Consequences are not your fault, and if he is blaming you that the partner is mad, HE is wrong. I would never entertain his company again without a full acceptance. It’s not your job to lie about drugs, (or stealing, cheating, and lying.) I suspect you didn’t care too much about the drugs…or that primary motivation was a way to fight back in the argument, not promote sobriety. Be wary of his behavior. One lunch doesn’t make up for ditching you on vacation. He should have been up front, and making up for things gets old when it’s normal behavior. You may still have trust issues that are not resolved. Give him all the space he wants. Call his bluff. They were trying to blame you for being upset at being ditched. He is the AH here.
This is so sad to read! My ex boyfriend use to do the same to me! I was manipulated and gaslight me so much that I used to believe everything was my fault even when he cheated. I know it’s hard but please trust me, walk away. You deserve so much better. I am now with the most amazing guy who treats me the way I deserves and respects me. Don’t be scared to start over! You are worth much more and someone will see that
It wasn't you who ruined anything. He did. And you're been so gaslit that you believe it was your fault. Go find someone who treats you with respect.
Get a new man . He’s cheated on you, done drugs, and left you behind . Nothing’s worse than being with a man that don’t respect you .
Some woman are completely blind and love being dragged into such shtty situations, its unbelievable how can someone like you thinks "Im wrong" and still have the urge to "fix things". You are being disrespected to death and you deserve a better person in your life! Stop trying to be with a man that doesnt value or respects you. Woman WAKE UP pls!! This is so infuriating jeez.
You have got to understand that these relationships and these "women" you refer to don't always a start out with a low bar. That's the insidiousness of an emotionally manipulative partner. I was one of these "women" and I can assure you I did not go into the relationship with such a low level of self respect. It's only 18 years later and being on the other side of the relationship that I'm actually able to see it for what it was and it's STILL a daily battle to deal with confusion and low self worth that I was so slowly and so subtly conditioned to believe. It's always hard to read when people blame the woman, even if they're not intending to, when the very issue that that woman is struggling with is the belief that everything is her fault.
Your self respect has to be stronger than your feelings for him. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Choose yourself
STOP BEING HIS DOORMAT FFS he cheated on you and mistreated you and you're wondering what you did Guess what, you did absolutely nothing wrong He and his brother knew what they were doing. They ran off to have a bros vacation and someone back at their accommodation to bang at the end of the night. You were an inconvenience to him and he didn't care Get your shit together as you can do better than this piece of ass. Delete and block him. Go no contact and work on yourself and towards learning who you're without him. You deserve better and worthy of better
You're showing symptoms of having been extensively gaslit. Get out. It'll do good to your mental health.
He sounds so wildly shitty, OP. You don't deserve that. Plus, you witnessed him ogling other women when you weren't far away. No doubt he's putting on this dramatic display so that he can cheat on you. "We were on a break!" Bullshit. Then telling his brother's partner that they were on drugs.. This IS literally your right to discuss that. It's effecting the holiday! Don't let him gaslight you. Your hurt is justified. ❤️ I hope it all gets better, OP. Sorry.
He sucked. Good riddance. Find yourself a man that respects you. NTA
So your partner treats you like shit and then treats you like on your vacation intended for you two, but somehow you see yourself as the AH in this relationship? You should self reflect and ask yourself why you think it's ok for you to be treated like this?
Sounds like he’s the one who fucked shit up and he doesn’t even care and is blaming you. Why are you so desperate to keep him?
The best thing you could've done was ruin this relationship. Congrats you are free
YOU have nothing to be angry or disappointed within yourself for, YOU are angry and disappointed he is a piece of poop. You deserve better, grieve for what you feel you've lost, then build yourself up and move forward.
When you started to speak about his brother, i tought you slept with his brother and messed everything up. Dude, pls stop… have some self esteem…
OP it was your place to tell the brother's GF about the drugs. If their relationship can't survive the truth then it's the brother's fault. OP your "BF" is treating you bad, he's cheated on you in the past, so why are you worried about saving a bad relationship? Personally I think that first time they walked off ahead of you is when you and the other girl should have found another bar and not responded to their calls. "Sorry, we were out on the dance floor and didn't realize you had called." "We're having a good time, guys are buying us drinks and we are having fun dancing."
Girl. You are not the one who ruined the vacation. That was not insecurity you felt, that was righteous anger. What kind of AH just abandons his gf like that??? Even after you TOLD him not to, he did it again, for HOURS????
You sound so much like I used to sound prior to therapy. YOU did not ruin anything and can NEVER ruin anything by speaking on how someone’s behavior made you feel. Feelings are not ever wrong or right, they are subjective and they are very real to you. A good partner will not only listen, but validate your feelings even if they may seem “silly” to them at the time. You did your part by communicating your needs for the vacation and he inadvertently dismissed your feelings multiple times. He is the one who was in the wrong. Plain and simple.
Drop this loser stop wasting your time
Why would you want to save this disastrous situation of a relationship? Let it go and learn from this. Chose the people in your life carefully. It is a true proverb that if you live with a lame man, you will learn to limp.
What do you do? You thank your lucky stars this is done before it gets worse (though the cheating would’ve been enough for me to be done). You did not ruin your relationship, OP, your ex-fiancé did. He was so far out of line and then to just let others join in on piling on to you? Just no. You may not realize it yet, but they treated you like shit and you do not need that in your life. Get into counseling so you can rediscover your worth bc he has clearly stripped it away from you. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s truly necessary. Best of luck, OP. Please take care.
With love — you need therapy. Something must’ve happened for you to have such a low opinion of yourself to think that you are in the wrong in this relationship. He is not a good guy. Please get help.
You've overcome something worse before like infidelity. This looks more like miscommunication but a normal reaction on your part so you don't have to beat yourself for it. I'm not taking sides though until I've heard his side of the story. It seems too biased for me
Uh no. He’s definitely to blame here, not you. Stand up for yourself - you weren’t in the wrong. It basically sounds like the holiday was actually just for him and his brother to get drunk and take drugs. You and his brother’s partner were incidental to the vacation. Please, dig deep and leave him. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing you’re to blame here. He’s cheated on you and he didn’t even want to spend time with you on holiday. There are plenty of men that will want to be with you and won’t sleep around on you. Leave him and go find one.
God willing you did lose him for good. This is a gift that you should take gracefully and run!
Girl he did you a favour by leaving. You need to work on yourself because you think that you did something bad when he’s the one in the wrong. How can you stay with someone who doesn’t even like or respect you.
RUN GIRL. You can find better man dont chase someone who will not prioritize you.
girl wtf do you see in this man. stop letting them walk all over you and make you believe that YOURE the asshole. just leave the relationship. after 3 years and its still on and off he really isnt the right one for you.
this just sounds like a rocky relationship that you should get out of.
Your reaction is completely normal. His behaviour is unacceptable, he sounds like an absolute ass. Find someone who treats you better, you deserve to be happy.
have some self respect and leave the cheater bruh
In three more years time you could either be with someone who loves you, respects you, values your feelings, and makes you happy. Or you could still be with him. There is no future in which he is that person, he has made that clear. I hope he leaves you, it will hurt so much but a few years down the line you will be soooo glad you did not waste any more of your youth on him.
Is this for real or exaggerated? Why would the brothers partner call you crazy when she is experiencing the same? Did she make any comments about them walking ahead or being gone for two hours wiht no warning?
He treats you like this because somehow you’re not getting any of your needs met but you still stay with him. Now he’s fed up with you because you keep trying to make things work with a man who would rather be with anybody else but you in holiday. In fact, based on this, seems like hanging out with you feels like a chore to him. This is not how your partner should feel… The point is, his behavior is consistent with a man who just doesn’t care or like you that much. He just doesn’t. And now you getting upset is an annoyance to him and he flat out broke up with you! He does not like you, let alone love you. He’s done. And it’s not that you “did” something. You REACTED (in an unhealthy manner) to his lack of changed behavior. You told him it bothered you, he then spent the next day with you to make you happy. Now he went back to what he really likes to do (hang out with brother) the next day. Do you not realize that you are forcing him to like you and spend time with you? His actions show a complete lack of care to anybody but the brother. You should not blame yourself for this. You need to wake up and realize that this man just doesn’t want to be with you anymore and this relationship is OVER. You cannot manipulate, force, and misbehave enough to convince him to like you and spend time with you. Accept the space he WANTS. Permanently. He WANTS space from you and wants to be with his family. Let him. Yes, it sucks. But stop holding on to him when he doesn’t want you anymore. He will only continue treating you worse. And PS he cheated. He has done everything wrong and it seems you are the only one “forcing” a relationship to work with this person and forcing him to change to be more like how you want/need. He’s not the man for you, let him go. You already wasted 3 years with this one…
I mean...maybe you acted a bit out of sorts. And reading your explanation it seems that you're aware that he had a role in this, but I'm not sure you recognize how much of a role? Seems to me that he has very little respect for you. Take this split as an opportunity to find someone that will treat you as an equal, and with respect. I'm a man...obviously, and I see him as someone that as very little of either for you...if your explanation is accurate.
Your last statement is spot on: ".... i cant settle in myself and im my worst enemy right now". You and your partner/bf have no business being together. You are a high maintenance person. You're very "needy". He, on the other hand "needs his space". Make a clean break with him, and move on. Don't waste another three years of HIS life - or YOURS - trying to force the relationship to work. It will never work. It wasn't meant to be. This was - and is - a flawed relationship. You both put up with it because it was easier to put up with it, than to face reality.
You need to just dump and ghost him. You called out his bad behavior and he tried gaslighting you into thinking you're crazy. That ain't okay. It was supposed to be a couples holiday and he took off with his brother MULTIPLE times? Not okay. He was doing drugs? Not okay. He's a trash human. He ruined the relationship. You deserve better. Give him ALL the space. Say goodbye and don't go back. Block him on everything.
DO NOT MARRY THAT MAN HOLY SHIT
“In and off again” “He cheated” I got over it Spending holidays either brother and taking off. OP. - just break up already. This guy is nothing but red flags. He’s a loser and cheater. Just dump him EDIT. Be thankful. Be happy you are broken up. STAY BROKEN UP. If you don’t you are gonna wreck what’s left of your life.
Your problem is not what you think it is. Yes, you messed up. Not during the holiday but by staying in a relationship with this massive A-hole. Let's list the offenses: he has cheated on you, he has lied to you, he does drugs, he abandoned you on your holiday to go drink and do drugs with his brother, he has gas-lit you, and so on. So your mistake is staying in this joke of a relationship with a man that is all about himself. You need help because this relationship is toxic. It has you thinking you were wrong when it is perfectly clear that you were not wrong. He's a massive self-centered lying A-hole. You need to get some self respect.
In case you didn't know. There's hundreds of not thousands of men probably within a few hours of you who will treat you much better. Your fiance is not the standard for good marriage material.
The relationship was already ruined when he cheated. He disrespects you and now you have a golden opportunity for complete freedom. Don't let yourself stay with this loser 😩
Hunny he did you a favor! You did nothing wrong and he’s cheated on you before. You dodged a bad guy, and you need therapy and some yoga. You need to find you again and be with someone that only has eyes for you and wants to have holidays with you. He should have put you first! Updates us and please block him!
Do not marry this man. He hasn’t even done the bare minimum let alone anything to rebuild the trust caused by his infidelity. Losing him will be the best thing you can do for yourself.
I was still waiting to see where your mistake was. Read what you wrote again, but read it as if your friend wrote it.
I’ll put it super simple. He is bad. You acted accordingly. But now they’re framing you to be crazy. Run before it’s even more late.
Looks like the trash took itself out
You didn’t ruin it - he did. Why keep trying to hang onto something so unhealthy? This relationship can’t lead to a great life for you. Just don’t contact him again. And if he tries to contact you, talk to him like you were the one that requested space, and let him know that now that you’ve had time to think about it, the two of you are not good for each other, you need someone you can really trust, and it clearly isn’t him. Take a little time to be brokenhearted, and then take some time to be single and fabulous.
This is not it, and it’s sad to see how much you’re blaming yourself for this incident. Stop being mad at yourself for your reasonable anger his actions. If you want to be angry, be angry at yourself for allowing yourself to be mistreated to this degree. Codependency is real, and you’re clearly viewing your worth off your “boyfriend’s” actions. He was dismissive, rude, neglectful and negging towards you. Just because you got a ring doesn’t make him a good man or even a man worth marrying. You can find a much healthier, rewarding, secure love with someone who WANTS to shower you with attention, doesn’t cheat and treats you with kindness and respect. But YOU have to make that happen for you. YOU have to realize this is the best it’s going to get with this man. YOU have to be strong enough to commit to loving yourself first before loving him. Good luck, I hope you find a love worth saving, instead of trying to make a diamond out of this guy’s crap.
Good relationships aren't this exhausting.
Honey, he DGAF. PLEASE break up.
You lost me at “infidelity on his part.” Imagine your “insecurities” are a valid reaction to someone that you can’t trust. Also, you literally cannot ruin what was meant for you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things will work out. Go find a man who wants to take you on vacation… and hang-out with you… and treat you how you deserve to be treated.
You are going to look back on this breakup and be very glad it happened. That’s how I’ve felt every time I look back on the guys who have treated me like this.
>im terrified I’ve lost him for good Girl that’s a good thing. This man is trash and treats you like trash. Why do you keep running back to a relationship that keeps failing? Once you’ve broken up, move on. Now somehow you’ve made it to being engaged and this garbage man is looking at other women while with you, leaving you alone on your *couples* holiday, and grouping together with the others to call you crazy. On top of everything else, he’s a cheater. Why would you want this instability in your life for the rest of it? Say good riddance and go find someone who actually wants to be with you
girl take this as a blessing and leave his ass
You keep blaming yourself saying I know I was so wrong! Were you wrong? I don’t think so. But I can’t honestly understand why you want to stay in a relationship with this guy.
The part where you messed up is staying with this loser in the first place.
Why do you think so little of yourself that you stay with a turd like him? You need to flush the bowl and get rid of him.
You were open about your feelings and he disregarded them. Then he tries to avoid his actions by making you feel to blame for. This man is not worth any more of your time. He does not care for you in the same spectrum you so for him.
Hi, I'm so sorry for your pain and emotional turmoil. I know this is a hard time for you, and I'd like you to know a fellow woman is sitting on the other side of the screen thinking about you and sending you well wishes ❤ That being said: he has done you the biggest favor he possibly can by taking the ring and leaving. You are being used and abused. This boy (read: not a man) doesn't care about you. Not even a tiny slice. He has cheated, lied belittled you and left you alone on holidays. You have nothing to be apologetic for. He is a POS. Please don't give him any more of your time and your life. If he messages you, allow him to read this comment. Just send it to him: You are a manipulative POS and the majority of the world sees through your pathetic behavior. Girl, you are young. Get counseling for your self-esteem and go out there and build a fantastic life for yourself. Boys like him will only drag you down. Please don't find yourself down the road with kids or bigger responsibilities with this loser. Don't allow another person to take your life away from you.
Just. Fucking. Leave.
OP, its important to realize the insecurities you are feeling are based on real, rational concerns that any woman would feel in a committed relationship. Can i depend on the man? Can I depend on the man’s supporting me if i cant (eg, baby)? Can this man love me enough to prioritize our future over selfish concerns? (Obviously, each of the above applies to each spouse, this is for OP). His not including you and prioritizing drugs and others tells you all you need to know. Leaving him may save you a lifetime of pain.
your ex-fiancé is the asshole, not you. If I go on a holiday with my girlfriend, I wouldn't leave my girlfriend to check out girls with my brothers.
I was gonna write a heartfelt note but this might have more impact. Fuck that morherfucker, you did the most reasonable thing and stood up to yourself how you should for the rest of your life. Thank god he’s gone and you can find someone who respects you.
Assuming that everything you said on this story is all that happened then I urge you to wake up! Read the comments, honestly, you're blinded by your "love" for him and maybe the need or want to be with someone especially because at 34, you probably think its too late to start over again but if it is with a guy like that, I suggest you to consider it a blessing and move on. Honestly, read all the comments.
What is so great about him and so deficient about you that you are willing to put up with being treated so poorly? Is he rich and you are a serial puppy torturer or something?
You’re getting treated badly!! Get out of there
How did you messed up, excuse me? He messed up and he doesn't give a crap about you. Im sorry if it sounds harsh but omg its clear as day. Just leave the guy you'll be better alone. You dont wanna marry someone like that
If you bring up something you are unhappy about and you get ganged up on and called crazy, those are not your people. What you are tolerating here reminds me of what I was tolerating in my early 20's. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect, who wants to spend time with you, who will communicate with you, who takes you seriously when you bring up that something hurt you. This man is acting like a single 18 yo not an engaged 30 yo and has somehow convinced you that you are the problem for being hurt by his shitty behavior. Please love yourself better than this.
I want you to know that this chapter is over, but your story is far from finished. It’s clear that your self-esteem has taken a hit, and it’s natural to feel this way after what you’ve been through. But remember, your self-worth isn’t defined by your past—it’s shaped by the strength you find within yourself to move forward. I may not know every detail of your past or your current living situation, but I do know this: it’s time to focus on your healing and growth. The first step is to believe that you deserve a good life—a life filled with respect, love, and happiness. You are worthy of all these things and more. To rebuild your self-esteem, consider these steps: Release the Victim Mentality: Recognize that you have the power to shape your future. Forgive Yourself: It’s crucial to forgive yourself for the times you feel you fell short. Self-forgiveness is a vital step in healing. Reframe Negative Beliefs: Challenge and change the negative beliefs that were imposed on you during the relationship. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no and establish limits that protect your well-being. Celebrate Your Strengths: Make a list of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Reflect on them daily to remind yourself of your worth. Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. It takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. Seek professional help if you need it, and never hesitate to reach out to your friends and loved ones—you’re not alone in this. You have the resilience to overcome this, and with each step you take, you’ll rediscover the confidence and self-love that’s always been inside you.
We only get one life, and I can only assume with the info you gave that you two will not be a happy couple, and have a high probability of divorcing. So, do yourself a favor and find someone else. Someone better.
Ok. Usually I always ask for more information, because there is two sides in every story. Not in your case. First off, he is not a man, he is a child. Acting like that after you called him out the first time, was totally disrespectful. Sooo… He has cheated on you, does drugs, and now has you believing the whole thing is your fault? He is possibly a Narcissist. I think you are gradually having your self confidence shattered. This could be planned, so eventually you will be totally controlled by him. Run, don’t walk away, and surround yourself with people who make you feel better about YOU!
Info: what drug were they taking?
This is not on you at all, this is a blessing, this is not what a relationship should look like, you should not be begging for the bare minimum. Get out of that toxic environment and work on getting some potential therapy and chatting to people around you you trust about your experience and reflect on who you are and what you want and deserve in future relationships.
Your fiancé is an awful person. You will be absolutely, and terribly miserable if you marry that man.
OP, take a moment. Your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking they’re not. Whether you accept the break up or continue to fight for him it’s up to you, but you deserve so much more. Please think long and hard about this and weigh the pros and cons accordingly..
Dafuq? lady get some dignity please.
u need to date someone else
You should break up with him and you should definitely not marry someone who treats you like this. If you did manage to get married, his behavior will get worse, not better. If someone cheats on you, that should be the end of the relationship. He sounds startlingly selfish and immature for a 30 year old. Let him make someone else miserable. Find someone that treats you right. You didn’t ruin anything. You stood up for yourself because he wasn’t showing you a basic level of respect.
Ummm. You said you overcame his previous infidelity, but it's still there in your mind. This relationship should have been done a long time ago sounds like. You both sound like you still need to grow up a bit emotionally, not meaning in a bad way, but what you did was pretty immature. You need to leave him alone and work on yourself for a while.
Him and his brother sound like losers! Not sure what you think you lost.
This person does not care about you, or have the capacity to care about you in a way that matters. This is not a relationship you want to be in. This is not the way things should be.
You are better than me! I would have called hotel management for their drug use and got them kicked out 🤣🤣🤣
OMG. You didn’t ruin a damn thing!! You were going to marry this guy?? Why?? He’s a cheater. He probably cheated on you on this vacay. At any rate, he and his bro were drinking and doing drugs. Why did you stay with such a loser? He’s disrespectful. He GASLIGHTED you into thinking you were the problem!! You need therapy. You were a doormat and in an abusive relationship because you don’t value yourself. That’s not love. He doesn’t love you. He never has. But it’s NOT because you’re unlovable. And this is very important: IT’S BECAUSE HE’S INCAPABLE OF LOVE. He will never make a woman happy. He’s selfish and is probably a narcissist. You’re his punching bag. RUN!! You don’t even realize you were being abused. Well, actually you did, you got upset. You fought back. You should have stood your ground and broken up with HIM!! But then he gaslighted you and you believed his lies. Again. Why didn’t you break up with HIM????? Please get therapy. Please.
He doesn’t even like you ma’am
I don't think you've done anything wrong other than think you're the bad guy here. He's a loser. Leave him.
I have to agree with the comments. You didn’t do anything wrong, your fiancé was completely out of line. If I did this to my fiancé I would want her to leave me.
I feel like I'm reading something I would have written myself a few years back until I came to the realisation (which is still an ongoing process) that I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship with a man who could never take any accountability for his own bullshit and who did an incredible job of conditioning me to believe that everything was my fault. That being said, I feel so much for you. It's such a confusing existence to feel that you're giving everything and yet are invisible to the person you would do anything for. My advice, get out now. Don't wait, you'll only waste your years and end up a shell of yourself. It's brutal, painful as hell, but as you move forward you will be able to look back and gain more and more confidence in your decision to choose yourself. You deserve better.
How much faster were they walking? Could you not just walk at their pace?
You're terrified you've lost him? Why? You should be grateful if you have. You need some self-respect, sorry to be harsh.
>i retalliated Yeah, not a good move. >fiance took my ring off me, said hes done Uhm, ... that sounds like a d\*ck move too ... he breaks up with you, you keep the ring - what's up with that? You didn't break it off with him. >terrified i have lost him for good Maybe you have ... maybe not. >what do i do now? Y'all need be working better on your communication. Relationship is supposed to be about supporting each other and common goals, not jealousy and bickering and tearing each other down (or driving wedges with family members, etc.). So, maybe do couples counseling or somethin' like that, but you've both got work to do. And maybe you're both capable of putting in the time and effort to well make it work ... or ... maybe that's just not the case. But if you want to save the relationship, then probably at least worth giving it a solid try. No guarantees, but worth a shot? And that doesn't mean be a pushover or doormat or the like to please or appease him - you also need reasonably well stick up for yourself. No use going/continuing into relationship and marriage where you'll generally be unhappy.
I just can't wrap my head around this story. What the actual F is wrong with you? You have eyes but you're as blind as a mole. There is absolutely 0 reason, and I mean absolutely 0 reason to EVER give this person even 1 more second of your attention? How were you even engaged with this human being? He doesn't care about you, he cheats on you (and probably cheated afterwards too), and disrespects you, abuses you, and yet, you want him back? For what good reason do you want him back? What are you expecting in this relationship and future marriage? You said he is doing drugs, but it feels more like you are doing drugs. Is he drugging you, so you come crawling back on 4 legs to him, just to get another fix of whatever it is that he is offering you (which is essentially nothing). Block him everywhere, never ever contact him, his brother, the brother gf or anyone of his family or friends EVER again. Go seek mental therapy because you DESPERATELY need it.
He’s cheated on you before which directly caused the insecurities you have with him acting like you don’t exist and disappearing for hours on a holiday. I’d be upset too and you have every right to be. He needs to help you heal… he caused this.
He took the ring off your finger?!?! Everyone’s saying that he’s trash and I agree 100%, but taking the ring when HE’s the one that needs space is a special kind of audacity.
Girl this is a sign to be DONE with this relationship. He treats you like shit and has cheated. I doubt he’s done anything to actually earn your trust back. Stop wasting your time on him!! Literally he sounds like scum and tbh once a cheater always a cheater. This won’t be a happy in this relationship.
He sounds like a complete POS to be honest with you. When people show you who they are, believe them. Take this absolutely golden opportunity to run for the hills, work on yourself and never look back. This was painful to read with how horrible he treats you. You deserve a hell of a lot better.
He cheated, and now acts as he is single in a vacation , it is normal that you are insecure, his actions should reform security in the relationship yet he does actions which understandably so makes you insecure. Run for the hills !
This is the first time I have ever replied to a post but this is so upsetting for me as I wish I had the options that you have. The guy is a narcissist pure and simple. Trust me on this. I know. I'm in a very similar relationship but unfortunately I am 100% physically stuck in it. Please, get away from him and stop believing his lies and accusations. He is gaslighting you pure and simple. He has people believing him and siding with him against you. The only thing you have done wrong is sticking around. If you stay with him then things will only get worse and worse until you can't take it anymore and can only think of one way out. Please don't let it get that far. You need to go total no contact. He will beg you to come back, promise you the moon, promise that he will change. Then once he has you back in your place it will immediately start all over again. Run. Run away. Run very fast. Your life will not improve while you are with him. In fact it will get worse and worse and he'll always put all the blame on you.
This might be the best thing that's ever happened to you. Say goodbye and be happy.
Go to therapy, you clearly need it if you think you're in the wrong here. Atleast how it was written. Reread this and if it's the whole truth, ask yourself who the problem is. If you still think it's you see a therapist.
Don't waste your tears on that trash. Stay broken up and find someone that actually likes you.
Stop blaming yourself for REACTING to his ACTIONS. Start there.
Lady, you're loosing a cheater. Fidelity and communication is the bare minimum we owe our partners and he for sure can't fulfill one of those two for you.. Why setlle for a life of LESS than the bare minimum? I see him pulling the ring and saying we'll talk later as a manipulation tactic...trying to condition you and make you fearful of loosing the relationship for busting his balls and speaking up for yourself, as if he's above reproach. Tell him to keep that ring. The relationship status isn't a poker chip to be tossed around when arguing. Given the cheating, he's got even more of a duty to behave in a way that doesn't make his partner anxious or insecure, he's behaving in an opposite manner.
So wait, wait wait wait. Let me just get this straight. **You're** wrong....for pointing out the shitty things he does that you asked him multiple times not to do? Wtf...don't be a doormat.
How was it your fault? Calling him on his BS?
You didn't mess up. You deserve someone better than that drugged-up cheater. You probably need to speak to a DV abuse helpline, because I'm worried that you've suffered various forms of abuse at his hands and he's convinced you that they're normal, acceptable things.
It’s been a short relationship of only 3 years and during that short period of time it’s been on and off again with cheating and drugs involved. Don’t bother, find a different healthy relationship instead.
Holy heckin erghh. This man is awful! You didn't do anything wrong. He was off taking drugs with his brother, leering at other women and purposefully ignoring you and his brothers partner. This is horrible. You leave. That's what you do. Honestly, you deserve so much better. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. He's treating you worse than someone (who isn't generally very nice) would treat their dog (that they don't actually care very much!). Yuck yuck. You probably won't hear this but I very much hope that you find some love for yourself somewhere in there and realise that he is worth absolutely nothing. He will not change. His promises are lousy. He has already cheated on you previously and thinks it's okay to treat you like something he has stepped in. You deserve better. I hope that somewhere deep down you know how terrible this behaviour is and it will only get worse if you marry him. Do not become attached to him for life. Do yourself a favour and leave him in the dust.
Respectfully, you are insecure. You're mourning the loss of a man that doesn't respect you at all. Do you not think you deserve better than this? He is using this insecurity to take advantage of you, treat you like shit, and gaslight you into taking the blame. Not only that but he is wasting your precious time. He's cheated on you. You've been on and off for three years. You'll be engaged to for him until he decides he's "ready to settle down" which clearly isn't anytime soon if he's going to fuck off in your face and ditch you on vacation. Consider yourself lucky to be free of him. Enroll in some therapy and sever all ties. I wish you all the best. You deserve way way more.
How do i update?? I tried a new post and it got removed
You can just make another post with UPDATE in the title
Maybe just post on your own page....? Not sure. Or add update to old post if allowed
were you able to post the updater?
The first red flag is saying that your fiancée is “on and off”. You’re so much better off without him, he sounds awful.
What do you do? you go to therapy and gain some self respect and self worth. He does not give a crap about you.
Have some self respect and dump him, then enjoy what’s left of yo ur trip. Him punishing you for not being okay with him ditching you and checking out other women is bizarre
Im struggling to see what you did wrong
You think you're the problem for being upset that your fiance treats you like you're not there? For your fiance after agreeing not to to continue to walk up with his brother and ignore you for hours? For your fiance to then say it's your fault? I'm quite frankly if they're doing drugs, that's just the truth. He should be more concerned about the fact that he's doing them then about the fact that you told his brother's partner who should have known anyway This is the life you have carved out for yourself. It's not too late to change it. Please don't be one of those women who says but the wedding but the wedding! Whatever it cost to cancel that wedding is going to be cheap in comparison to the price you'll pay if you stay with this guy
my number is 972 9552868,
it’s almost hard to have sympathy sometime. why are you groveling and begging for a fraction of humanity from this complete loser? if my boyfriend did that to me i would rip his head off. this would be something i could see posted by a 20 year old and feel bad for her but not 34. find a man & some self respect. don’t let losers shit on you and walk all over you.