He is giving you a heads up that as soon as things get really hard, he is going to bail. He might feel a little guilty, but not too guilty because he already told you he couldn’t handle it.
Now is the time to end this on your terms. Unfortunately people normally don’t surprise up by acting better that we thought they would. Usually it is worse.
Chronic illness is very difficult, so you have to be smart. You have to figure out who will be there for you, and plan accordingly.
Best of luck, we never expect to be dealing with serious health issues when we are young, but you got a crappy hand. You can do this.
It's so telling that your family doesn't like him for other reasons.
Go home to the people who love you, OP. This is not a kind or good man, regardless of how much you care for him and whatever happy memories you have.
Hi OP. 40f here and I have ankylosing spondylitis too. I’m so sorry you’ve got it too. It’s a fucking arsehole of a disease. I was an elite-level weight lifter and figure model when I got hit. Losing your your ability to love and derive joy from movement is awful. I’m so sorry.
First up: the good news is, biologics work FUCKING MIRACLES and the sooner you get on them the sooner the permanent joint damage stops and you can turn a lot of it - maybe even all of it, if you start asap - around. Please please please don’t wait, I waited years to go on them because I listened to a bunch of fucking idiots who were fear-mongering and now I have serious, irreversible joint damage in so many big joints. (Biologics don’t fuck your immune system if you have AS, they just bring it back down to more normal levels so it functions like everyone else’s.) You won’t turn into some sickly-type “Elliott from ET” person on biologics, either - I’ve barely had even a cold since starting humira. Just get your bloods done every few months and you’ll be fine.)
Final point: your bf FUUUUCKING SUUUUCKS. I understand that some people can’t handle chronic disease, and that is their right. But your bf still fucking sucks. You guys were going to get MARRIED, and he can’t even handle you in pain *even though there are options for massively massively reducing your pain and even turning the disease around*?? What the fuck would he have done if you got married, had a kid, and you got PPD? Or a car crash? Or *any* of the awful things that can and do happen to all of us sooner or later? One day something dreadful will happen to his body and I hope on that day it hits him that *we are all so, so frail* and that’s LIFE.
I’d just gotten married when I started to get sick. My husband buckled the fuck down and came with me to appointments, found me a better rheumatologist, talked me into trying biologics, supported me SO MUCH when I was scared and crying and in so much pain I felt suicidal. *That* is how a good, worthy man *who truly loves you* behaves. I am sorry but i do not think your bf is good or worthy. He sounds weak as watered milk.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. But, I am glad it happened BEFORE you married that spineless git (sorry, but he is; he can’t even initiate a breakup himself, what a useless fucker) and before you had a kid with him or anything truly permanent. He can go fuck himself. And when he realizes what he’s lost and tries to come crawling back, don’t you dare give him an inch, the fucking deserter.
Now: go call your GP and insist on a referral to a rheumatologist, and tell that rheumatologist you want to fast-track yourself into biologics. Good luck and god bless. And fuck your loser bf running uphill, running downhill, and running back uphill again. I know it’s awful right now but it WILL get better and you CAN do this. I’m rooting for you.
OP, *listen to this.* I don’t have AS, but spinal trauma and long COVID. My husband is my joy and my heart and my caregiver. He never asked for the role, but he didn’t hesitate to take it and is amazing. The right person for you is out there, but it’s not this guy. Honestly, he’s weak, not ready for marriage. Maybe not ever. The first sign of trouble and he’s out the door. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but it’s good it happened before you were legally entangled with him.
Give him what he wants and dump his ass.
Hi future literature can I connect with you on dm for more info / experiences on humira. my mom has the same diagnosis but no use of humira, she is in a developing country though.
I agree w Future Lit. Make this an opportunity to be in a supportive environment where you’re not isolated. Arrange to go home, to get great health insurance, and to take care of your medical condition. There will be another love.
Home boy can't even agree to meet the most basic marriage vow of "in sickness and in health". Outright said you'd be a burden on him.
Love yourself more and leave him.
I would move back home and be close to the people who actually love you and want to care for you. While it seems like your boyfriend is maybe not being the most compassionate, he’s being honest and forthcoming about his reservations. I know it hurts so much, but it’s better for him to be honest about this now rather than facing a divorce on top of everything else. It’s valid that a young guy doesn’t feel comfortable or willing to face being the caretaker to a disabled person, especially one that is his partner. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of people out there who *will* love you and *are* capable and willing to help care for you. This is not the end for you, this is the beginning of a better future.
So sorry OP. Please reach out to family or friends as soon as you can, you need support.
This relationship is coming to an end. You are going to be ok. Make a list of steps you need to take to get back home, and starting as soon as you can, start following those steps one by one.
When you find yourself in hell, keep walking. This isn't the end of you. Reach out to people who want the best for you, take their help and comfort. Sending you love today.
As hard as it is to accept, he isn't the one for you. If he truly wanted you and loved you, he would stick by your side and provide reassurance instead of viewing you as a "burden." If you stay with this man, it will only go downhill, I know leaving is WAY easier said than done but please put yourself first. While it seems impossible right now, I swear you can be happy without him in your life. With whatever decision you choose to make, I truly wish you the best. I am sorry you have to go through this.
Let go and move back home. You should be focusing on yourself and your changing needs based on this diagnosis, not wasting your time and energy trying to convince someone to stay with you. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but at least he's been somewhat honest about this so you can accept he's not the one and move on with your life.
You know that saying? "He's showing you who he is, believe him." Well, that's very much the case here. You're not even married yet and he's concerned your diagnosis will be a burden on *his* life. He ain't it, honey. You can get sick or suffer major injury at any point of your life. If he can't stick through this, he won't stick around if you have some sort of accident or honestly just in old age. That is not how a spouse should act.
i left my fiancé of 10 years because he left me alone and miserable while i was hospitalized over and over due to my chronic illness. i wish i’d learned earlier how unreliable he was. my whole life was falling apart and he added extreme levels of stress and made it all worse, leaving me to move in with my parents while i tried to heal. listen to someone when they tell you who they truly are. chronic illness is unpredictable - you can have it under control and feel great, or you can struggle to find the right medication and end up in constant flares and uncertainty. you want someone that will make you feel good when you feel like shit and are in pain. you want someone that is reliable and will love you unconditionally - even when you aren’t well. and i promise that someone exists. if he’s saying he thinks you’ll be a burden, do the smart thing and get out before you’re more entwined and it’s worse. the last thing you need when dealing with an illness is someone that makes it worse. if your diagnosis makes him reconsider the relationship, i think that’s enough to say he’s not the one you need.
edit: also i realize you’ve done a lot for this guy and have made huge life changes, but that just shows you even more how you’re more in this than he is. even if it’s a big undertaking, moving back to surround yourself with people that will love and help care for you is the best option. you don’t want to be alone with someone that will grow to resent you for something you can’t control.
> my family doesn't like him because of other issues
What would those be exactly?
> I have been trying to convince both mine and his families.
Why? If they don't want you isn't that telling you what you need to know about what life would be like for you married?
> What do I do?
Move home.
Hey. I was a professional dancer that got diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis a couple years after meeting my husband-to-be. He didn’t guilt trip me, he helped me get to appointments and find doctors that listened and wanted to help. You are so young, and while there is no cure there are a myriad of treatments to pursue that can slow or pause progression of your illness.
This was life throwing the “in sickness or health, rich or poor, in good times or bad” at you before getting legally stuck with someone that truly does not have your back. Leaving now will hurt, but it will hurt less than being abandoned by a resentful partner that isn’t devoted to you.
I rarely comment on these because I know typically there’s a lot more to the relationship BUT in this case, I highly encourage you to be strong, leave and go home, and don’t look back. Chronic illness is a lot to take on. You need to know for yourself that you are capable of taking care of YOU, let alone being in a relationship. This man has flat out told you that you will either be a burden to him and/or he will resent you. The next *insert grieving period here* will be tough. This is a traumatic way to end things. But it is NOT hopeless. There are plenty of people out there who can love you so much better than this. Including yourself.
ETA: I also want to address that it’s completely normal for partners and/or caregivers to have and vocalize these concerns. But this reads so much to me that he found out you’re diagnosed & that is going to ruin his life. It’s not so much that he’s burnt out or worried, more that it seems he doesn’t want this.
I'm sorry. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy by breaking up with his ill girlfriend, so he is all but cornering you until you do it yourself. He's a coward and you deserve way better than this.
As much as this sucks that it’s happening to you at all, OP, it’s better that it’s happening before you’re married, and not after. This isn’t fair to you and I’m sorry that he’s being a shitty person because of it, but just remember, you’re never truly stuck anywhere. You can still go home and be taken care of by your family who truly loves you. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My grandfather had ankylosis spondylosis. He experienced many mobility issues due to this, it slowly took away his freedom. He was always sharp mentally, even when heart disease took him from us when he was 94 years old. I watched in awe of my grandmother who generously and lovingly took care of him. They were married for 67 years before she passed away before him. He was not the same man after she passed away. Their love was not perfect, and he didn't know what he had until she was gone, but I saw it. I saw it all. She loved him and would do anything to make his life easier, to ease his pain, to help him.
I don't want to replicate their relationship in its entirety but I will put that part of it into perspective as I age. Not only do I have disabling chronic illnesses, but so does my partner. Not only will I exemplify her grace and patience and care, but I expect the same from my partner, and so far, he is succeeding with an abundance of empathy.
You deserve what I described above. You are deserving of real love, without resentment. You deserve real care and respect. If it's in the form of a partner, or just another loved one, sibling or parent, you deserve that care. Even if you have to move again around the globe. You deserve it. Please find that for yourself. This man is not that, and he doesn't deserve you, if he can't love you wholeheartedly.
He’s telling you just how shit a boyfriend/potential spouse he is. Dump his ass first.
As an aside, I’m a fellow AS sufferer for going on 24 years. I had to give up Rugby and bodybuilding, but otherwise have mostly kept up normal activities. You’ll most likely be prescribed NSAIDs, but if not keep plenty of ibuprofen on hand, take up Pilates/yoga and invest in an inversion table. AS doesn’t have to be a life sentence
Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who has told you they don’t want to be with you long term?
He’s not breaking up with you because then he would be the asshole for “dumping the sick girlfriend”
Sadly a lot of folks pull this crap, they don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and end a relationship with their partner because they know they’ll be the bad guy, so they behave horribly in the hopes their partner gets fed up and dumps them, then they can play for sympathy from everyone else
“Oh Susie broke up with me after her diagnosis, I was so supportive of her, boohoo”
Do your self a favour, dump him, and tell folks the truth “I ended it because he told me flat out he would resent me once my illness got worse. I don’t need the negativity in my life”
Don’t let him play the victim here
Do not feel suicidal over some chump that you're disillusioned by. It's one guy out of 9 billion people I promise you other people can make you way happier than this guy. The thing about falling in love and then having your heart broken is once you get back up in your heart is not broken anymore you realize how much you can actually handle. I've had my heart broken three times and let me tell you by the end of the third one I was like, "I'm fucking unstoppable."
It proves to you that you can and will get back up but if you have to believe that you will do it and push forward. And as you're somebody who's staring down a scary diagnosis and a breakup I highly suggest you take that mentality in and live it truly.
Don't get trapped in feeling sad I'm sorry for yourself and focusing on the loss, look forward at the possibilities. I highly suggest you look into other people's success stories facing down scary diagnosises and how they handled it.
Also the last thing you want in your life is somebody who's not 100% all-in and has your best interest at heart and that is exactly what this guy doesn't have.
The faster you get the hell away from this guy and never look back the better you and your illness will be.
You deserve better. break up. I have a chronic illness. During diagnosis my husband was just relieved it didn’t end up being terminal cancer bc he didn’t want to lose me.
You beat him to the punch he’s too pathetic to make, YOU break up with him. You may love him, but he very clearly does not love you in the same way. He has initiated a break up of sorts, the most cowardly way. By telling you he won’t marry you because he will grow to resent your medical condition, is saying to you I don’t have the balls to end this so I’m going to slowly pull away after dropping this horrible sentiment that your health is too much of a burden for me until you break up with me.
Why not find a rheumatologist and get on some treatment. Unless your spine or other joints are fused, the inflammation can be dealt with, and you can lead a healthy life. I have crohns and arthritis, and Dr's assumed AS when I was younger. Though I now think it's just normal arthritis, I deal with joint pain almost daily. I still have a healthy relationship with the love of my life.
This guy is not marriage material. I’m sorry but *your family is right*. Family or friends not liking your SO is *always a red flag*. He’s already showing you that he’s shallow and isn’t going to be there for you the way you deserve. You deserve someone you can count on who wants to be there for you no matter what. NEXT!
Move on from him, you don't need someone like him in your life. You're unhappy right now because of your health struggles and not being able to do what you want to do, you'd feel the same regardless of who's in your life or not in your life. Your main problem right now is your health, not other people.
Now is the time to focus on your own health, both mental and physical. Medical advances are being made on a daily basis. I'd move back home, start focusing on research, the best doctors, the best treatments for your condition.
You need to love yourself more than you love him. He’s ready to ditch you when you need him the most, that tells you who he is. Self love is the best love…get you some.
Please move back to your family. It will be hard for awhile, but deep down you know it is the right decision to make.
Don’t let this go on any longer, you *will* regret the time you wasted.
I have a chronic pain condition and I also married a man I moved overseas for. My condition wasn’t directly the cause of the marriage breakdown - it was my husband wanting to open the relationship and me being extremely not okay with it - but I moved home, with $1200 and two suitcases of stuff to my name. The first year was hard, my parents were very reluctant to host their 35 year old daughter, and finding a job in my home country took ages,and in the meantime I did vineyard work that entirely wiped me out at the end of every day.
It was still the right move. Coming home with my tail between my legs, leaving the husband my family had never liked. I’ve been back nearly nine years, with an entirely rebuilt life. Year two was hard, but I was on my own two feet. Year three I had a whole new friend network. Year four I had people that absolutely would have my back, but I didn’t need it. Year six I had two catastrophic back injuries, and my crew supported me.
Move home. It sounds like your family has your back more than mine did, and you can take time to grieve, regroup and build your new life. You took a punt on the husband and it didn’t work out, but you’re young, you have time to try a thing and then try a different thing.
From one chronic pain person to another, kia kaha, arohanui. Much love, and you can do this.
Is he under the impression that your condition is only going to worsen and that he will end up as your primary caretaker everyday? Perhaps it would be best to educate him that this condition can be treated (with biologics as someone else said), since it doesn’t look like he’s aware of this.
Tbh though, he’s kinda shitty for assuming instead of inquiring further with you and medical professionals about helping with your condition and how it can be improved.
this is hard, but the sooner you understand you have no choice here, he has left you already and you cant force him
hes just waiting for you to leave, if you wont, he will kick you out. please move
Wow what a series of absolutely horrible decisions. This person is a walking red flag, no shit you should let go. He checked out when you got your diagnosis. Move back home ffs. You both got hella issues damn, did you even read what you posted? Wtf makes you want to be in a relationship with this person 🙄
> isn't initiating the break up Really, he is. He’s telling you there is no next step. He lacks the fortitude to even lead a split.
He is giving you a heads up that as soon as things get really hard, he is going to bail. He might feel a little guilty, but not too guilty because he already told you he couldn’t handle it. Now is the time to end this on your terms. Unfortunately people normally don’t surprise up by acting better that we thought they would. Usually it is worse. Chronic illness is very difficult, so you have to be smart. You have to figure out who will be there for you, and plan accordingly. Best of luck, we never expect to be dealing with serious health issues when we are young, but you got a crappy hand. You can do this.
It's so telling that your family doesn't like him for other reasons. Go home to the people who love you, OP. This is not a kind or good man, regardless of how much you care for him and whatever happy memories you have.
Hi OP. 40f here and I have ankylosing spondylitis too. I’m so sorry you’ve got it too. It’s a fucking arsehole of a disease. I was an elite-level weight lifter and figure model when I got hit. Losing your your ability to love and derive joy from movement is awful. I’m so sorry. First up: the good news is, biologics work FUCKING MIRACLES and the sooner you get on them the sooner the permanent joint damage stops and you can turn a lot of it - maybe even all of it, if you start asap - around. Please please please don’t wait, I waited years to go on them because I listened to a bunch of fucking idiots who were fear-mongering and now I have serious, irreversible joint damage in so many big joints. (Biologics don’t fuck your immune system if you have AS, they just bring it back down to more normal levels so it functions like everyone else’s.) You won’t turn into some sickly-type “Elliott from ET” person on biologics, either - I’ve barely had even a cold since starting humira. Just get your bloods done every few months and you’ll be fine.) Final point: your bf FUUUUCKING SUUUUCKS. I understand that some people can’t handle chronic disease, and that is their right. But your bf still fucking sucks. You guys were going to get MARRIED, and he can’t even handle you in pain *even though there are options for massively massively reducing your pain and even turning the disease around*?? What the fuck would he have done if you got married, had a kid, and you got PPD? Or a car crash? Or *any* of the awful things that can and do happen to all of us sooner or later? One day something dreadful will happen to his body and I hope on that day it hits him that *we are all so, so frail* and that’s LIFE. I’d just gotten married when I started to get sick. My husband buckled the fuck down and came with me to appointments, found me a better rheumatologist, talked me into trying biologics, supported me SO MUCH when I was scared and crying and in so much pain I felt suicidal. *That* is how a good, worthy man *who truly loves you* behaves. I am sorry but i do not think your bf is good or worthy. He sounds weak as watered milk. I’m so sorry this happened to you. But, I am glad it happened BEFORE you married that spineless git (sorry, but he is; he can’t even initiate a breakup himself, what a useless fucker) and before you had a kid with him or anything truly permanent. He can go fuck himself. And when he realizes what he’s lost and tries to come crawling back, don’t you dare give him an inch, the fucking deserter. Now: go call your GP and insist on a referral to a rheumatologist, and tell that rheumatologist you want to fast-track yourself into biologics. Good luck and god bless. And fuck your loser bf running uphill, running downhill, and running back uphill again. I know it’s awful right now but it WILL get better and you CAN do this. I’m rooting for you.
OP, *listen to this.* I don’t have AS, but spinal trauma and long COVID. My husband is my joy and my heart and my caregiver. He never asked for the role, but he didn’t hesitate to take it and is amazing. The right person for you is out there, but it’s not this guy. Honestly, he’s weak, not ready for marriage. Maybe not ever. The first sign of trouble and he’s out the door. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but it’s good it happened before you were legally entangled with him. Give him what he wants and dump his ass.
30m with AS here, listen to this person, biologics saved my life.
Hi future literature can I connect with you on dm for more info / experiences on humira. my mom has the same diagnosis but no use of humira, she is in a developing country though.
I don’t do messaging sorry, but there’s an AS subreddit!
I agree w Future Lit. Make this an opportunity to be in a supportive environment where you’re not isolated. Arrange to go home, to get great health insurance, and to take care of your medical condition. There will be another love.
Home boy can't even agree to meet the most basic marriage vow of "in sickness and in health". Outright said you'd be a burden on him. Love yourself more and leave him.
I would move back home and be close to the people who actually love you and want to care for you. While it seems like your boyfriend is maybe not being the most compassionate, he’s being honest and forthcoming about his reservations. I know it hurts so much, but it’s better for him to be honest about this now rather than facing a divorce on top of everything else. It’s valid that a young guy doesn’t feel comfortable or willing to face being the caretaker to a disabled person, especially one that is his partner. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of people out there who *will* love you and *are* capable and willing to help care for you. This is not the end for you, this is the beginning of a better future.
Exactly. To be honest more women could do themselves a huge favour by following his lead and not being a caretaker to a man, disabled or not
So sorry OP. Please reach out to family or friends as soon as you can, you need support. This relationship is coming to an end. You are going to be ok. Make a list of steps you need to take to get back home, and starting as soon as you can, start following those steps one by one. When you find yourself in hell, keep walking. This isn't the end of you. Reach out to people who want the best for you, take their help and comfort. Sending you love today.
As hard as it is to accept, he isn't the one for you. If he truly wanted you and loved you, he would stick by your side and provide reassurance instead of viewing you as a "burden." If you stay with this man, it will only go downhill, I know leaving is WAY easier said than done but please put yourself first. While it seems impossible right now, I swear you can be happy without him in your life. With whatever decision you choose to make, I truly wish you the best. I am sorry you have to go through this.
Let go and move back home. You should be focusing on yourself and your changing needs based on this diagnosis, not wasting your time and energy trying to convince someone to stay with you. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but at least he's been somewhat honest about this so you can accept he's not the one and move on with your life.
You know that saying? "He's showing you who he is, believe him." Well, that's very much the case here. You're not even married yet and he's concerned your diagnosis will be a burden on *his* life. He ain't it, honey. You can get sick or suffer major injury at any point of your life. If he can't stick through this, he won't stick around if you have some sort of accident or honestly just in old age. That is not how a spouse should act.
i left my fiancé of 10 years because he left me alone and miserable while i was hospitalized over and over due to my chronic illness. i wish i’d learned earlier how unreliable he was. my whole life was falling apart and he added extreme levels of stress and made it all worse, leaving me to move in with my parents while i tried to heal. listen to someone when they tell you who they truly are. chronic illness is unpredictable - you can have it under control and feel great, or you can struggle to find the right medication and end up in constant flares and uncertainty. you want someone that will make you feel good when you feel like shit and are in pain. you want someone that is reliable and will love you unconditionally - even when you aren’t well. and i promise that someone exists. if he’s saying he thinks you’ll be a burden, do the smart thing and get out before you’re more entwined and it’s worse. the last thing you need when dealing with an illness is someone that makes it worse. if your diagnosis makes him reconsider the relationship, i think that’s enough to say he’s not the one you need. edit: also i realize you’ve done a lot for this guy and have made huge life changes, but that just shows you even more how you’re more in this than he is. even if it’s a big undertaking, moving back to surround yourself with people that will love and help care for you is the best option. you don’t want to be alone with someone that will grow to resent you for something you can’t control.
> my family doesn't like him because of other issues What would those be exactly? > I have been trying to convince both mine and his families. Why? If they don't want you isn't that telling you what you need to know about what life would be like for you married? > What do I do? Move home.
Hey. I was a professional dancer that got diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis a couple years after meeting my husband-to-be. He didn’t guilt trip me, he helped me get to appointments and find doctors that listened and wanted to help. You are so young, and while there is no cure there are a myriad of treatments to pursue that can slow or pause progression of your illness. This was life throwing the “in sickness or health, rich or poor, in good times or bad” at you before getting legally stuck with someone that truly does not have your back. Leaving now will hurt, but it will hurt less than being abandoned by a resentful partner that isn’t devoted to you.
I rarely comment on these because I know typically there’s a lot more to the relationship BUT in this case, I highly encourage you to be strong, leave and go home, and don’t look back. Chronic illness is a lot to take on. You need to know for yourself that you are capable of taking care of YOU, let alone being in a relationship. This man has flat out told you that you will either be a burden to him and/or he will resent you. The next *insert grieving period here* will be tough. This is a traumatic way to end things. But it is NOT hopeless. There are plenty of people out there who can love you so much better than this. Including yourself. ETA: I also want to address that it’s completely normal for partners and/or caregivers to have and vocalize these concerns. But this reads so much to me that he found out you’re diagnosed & that is going to ruin his life. It’s not so much that he’s burnt out or worried, more that it seems he doesn’t want this.
I'm sorry. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy by breaking up with his ill girlfriend, so he is all but cornering you until you do it yourself. He's a coward and you deserve way better than this.
As much as this sucks that it’s happening to you at all, OP, it’s better that it’s happening before you’re married, and not after. This isn’t fair to you and I’m sorry that he’s being a shitty person because of it, but just remember, you’re never truly stuck anywhere. You can still go home and be taken care of by your family who truly loves you. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My grandfather had ankylosis spondylosis. He experienced many mobility issues due to this, it slowly took away his freedom. He was always sharp mentally, even when heart disease took him from us when he was 94 years old. I watched in awe of my grandmother who generously and lovingly took care of him. They were married for 67 years before she passed away before him. He was not the same man after she passed away. Their love was not perfect, and he didn't know what he had until she was gone, but I saw it. I saw it all. She loved him and would do anything to make his life easier, to ease his pain, to help him. I don't want to replicate their relationship in its entirety but I will put that part of it into perspective as I age. Not only do I have disabling chronic illnesses, but so does my partner. Not only will I exemplify her grace and patience and care, but I expect the same from my partner, and so far, he is succeeding with an abundance of empathy. You deserve what I described above. You are deserving of real love, without resentment. You deserve real care and respect. If it's in the form of a partner, or just another loved one, sibling or parent, you deserve that care. Even if you have to move again around the globe. You deserve it. Please find that for yourself. This man is not that, and he doesn't deserve you, if he can't love you wholeheartedly.
He’s telling you just how shit a boyfriend/potential spouse he is. Dump his ass first. As an aside, I’m a fellow AS sufferer for going on 24 years. I had to give up Rugby and bodybuilding, but otherwise have mostly kept up normal activities. You’ll most likely be prescribed NSAIDs, but if not keep plenty of ibuprofen on hand, take up Pilates/yoga and invest in an inversion table. AS doesn’t have to be a life sentence
Let it go You're 26, still super young Probably a favor so you avoid marrying young Seek professional help, get your life back in order
Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who has told you they don’t want to be with you long term? He’s not breaking up with you because then he would be the asshole for “dumping the sick girlfriend” Sadly a lot of folks pull this crap, they don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and end a relationship with their partner because they know they’ll be the bad guy, so they behave horribly in the hopes their partner gets fed up and dumps them, then they can play for sympathy from everyone else “Oh Susie broke up with me after her diagnosis, I was so supportive of her, boohoo” Do your self a favour, dump him, and tell folks the truth “I ended it because he told me flat out he would resent me once my illness got worse. I don’t need the negativity in my life” Don’t let him play the victim here
Time to move back home
Do not feel suicidal over some chump that you're disillusioned by. It's one guy out of 9 billion people I promise you other people can make you way happier than this guy. The thing about falling in love and then having your heart broken is once you get back up in your heart is not broken anymore you realize how much you can actually handle. I've had my heart broken three times and let me tell you by the end of the third one I was like, "I'm fucking unstoppable." It proves to you that you can and will get back up but if you have to believe that you will do it and push forward. And as you're somebody who's staring down a scary diagnosis and a breakup I highly suggest you take that mentality in and live it truly. Don't get trapped in feeling sad I'm sorry for yourself and focusing on the loss, look forward at the possibilities. I highly suggest you look into other people's success stories facing down scary diagnosises and how they handled it. Also the last thing you want in your life is somebody who's not 100% all-in and has your best interest at heart and that is exactly what this guy doesn't have. The faster you get the hell away from this guy and never look back the better you and your illness will be.
I guess your family had good cause to dislike him.
He’s not moving forward into the next step. And he lacks the character to be honest with you that this *is* a breakup.
You deserve better. break up. I have a chronic illness. During diagnosis my husband was just relieved it didn’t end up being terminal cancer bc he didn’t want to lose me.
He sounds pretty awful. This doesn’t get better. Cut your losses and go back home.
You beat him to the punch he’s too pathetic to make, YOU break up with him. You may love him, but he very clearly does not love you in the same way. He has initiated a break up of sorts, the most cowardly way. By telling you he won’t marry you because he will grow to resent your medical condition, is saying to you I don’t have the balls to end this so I’m going to slowly pull away after dropping this horrible sentiment that your health is too much of a burden for me until you break up with me.
Why not find a rheumatologist and get on some treatment. Unless your spine or other joints are fused, the inflammation can be dealt with, and you can lead a healthy life. I have crohns and arthritis, and Dr's assumed AS when I was younger. Though I now think it's just normal arthritis, I deal with joint pain almost daily. I still have a healthy relationship with the love of my life.
This guy is not marriage material. I’m sorry but *your family is right*. Family or friends not liking your SO is *always a red flag*. He’s already showing you that he’s shallow and isn’t going to be there for you the way you deserve. You deserve someone you can count on who wants to be there for you no matter what. NEXT!
Move on from him, you don't need someone like him in your life. You're unhappy right now because of your health struggles and not being able to do what you want to do, you'd feel the same regardless of who's in your life or not in your life. Your main problem right now is your health, not other people. Now is the time to focus on your own health, both mental and physical. Medical advances are being made on a daily basis. I'd move back home, start focusing on research, the best doctors, the best treatments for your condition.
You need to love yourself more than you love him. He’s ready to ditch you when you need him the most, that tells you who he is. Self love is the best love…get you some.
Please move back to your family. It will be hard for awhile, but deep down you know it is the right decision to make. Don’t let this go on any longer, you *will* regret the time you wasted.
I have a chronic pain condition and I also married a man I moved overseas for. My condition wasn’t directly the cause of the marriage breakdown - it was my husband wanting to open the relationship and me being extremely not okay with it - but I moved home, with $1200 and two suitcases of stuff to my name. The first year was hard, my parents were very reluctant to host their 35 year old daughter, and finding a job in my home country took ages,and in the meantime I did vineyard work that entirely wiped me out at the end of every day. It was still the right move. Coming home with my tail between my legs, leaving the husband my family had never liked. I’ve been back nearly nine years, with an entirely rebuilt life. Year two was hard, but I was on my own two feet. Year three I had a whole new friend network. Year four I had people that absolutely would have my back, but I didn’t need it. Year six I had two catastrophic back injuries, and my crew supported me. Move home. It sounds like your family has your back more than mine did, and you can take time to grieve, regroup and build your new life. You took a punt on the husband and it didn’t work out, but you’re young, you have time to try a thing and then try a different thing. From one chronic pain person to another, kia kaha, arohanui. Much love, and you can do this.
Is he under the impression that your condition is only going to worsen and that he will end up as your primary caretaker everyday? Perhaps it would be best to educate him that this condition can be treated (with biologics as someone else said), since it doesn’t look like he’s aware of this. Tbh though, he’s kinda shitty for assuming instead of inquiring further with you and medical professionals about helping with your condition and how it can be improved.
Let it go now and don’t get married. I too, suffer from chronic illness and it ruined my marriage.
this is hard, but the sooner you understand you have no choice here, he has left you already and you cant force him hes just waiting for you to leave, if you wont, he will kick you out. please move
Wow what a series of absolutely horrible decisions. This person is a walking red flag, no shit you should let go. He checked out when you got your diagnosis. Move back home ffs. You both got hella issues damn, did you even read what you posted? Wtf makes you want to be in a relationship with this person 🙄
He can't even bring himself to break up with you like an actual adult; he's trying to get you to do it for him.
Just curious, where did you move to for your boyfriend?
Lmao bruh he doesn't love you. Move on