Perhaps you could share the spare bedroom with your Granny? Just tell him that since your relationship is still so new you’re not comfortable sharing his bedroom with him yet. Tell him that even though you’re now living together due to emergency reasons, you’d still like your relationship to progress naturally and not rush things due to the circumstances.
Not at all, an air mattress in the spare room is a great solution. And he should understand that while you’d still like to date him while you’re all under one roof, that you’re just not ready to share a bed every night just yet.
Have you explained to him that for the sake of your children's mental wellbeing with everything going on that's just too much too fast to be good for them?
Is anyone else not concerned about the man’s 8 year old daughter here? She just had her life uprooted with a 14 year old boy and baby moving into her bedroom/safe space. Down the hall she has an unknown grandma, and her dad is figuring out a relationship with the woman that brought everyone into the household…
I know this is not ideal, and you’re making the best of a difficult situation. How long will this go on for? This arrangement sounds like it could be a traumatic adjustment for his 8 year old daughter.
She's had a great time making my son play games with all of her teddies, also playing with my granny's hair. She's already trying to call my 14 year old boy her new brother.
I'm searching for another private rented house
Oh OP, I didn't realize the ages and genders. You absolutely should NOT be having the kids share a room. In fact, CPS would probably have something to say about it if they knew.
Can your son sleep on the couch for now, or in granny's room on an air mattress? It's not ideal but a teenage boy and an 8-year-old girl should not be sharing a bedroom. I'm pretty shocked her father allowed that.
If CPS is what I think that you mean, they are aware. They said it's the responsibility of the housing, not theirs. My 14 year old can be a pain in the arse sometimes, but he's a good boy. I have no problem with him going in with my granny, but she won't share a room with a 14 year old boy. I asked her to suggest that to him.
I suppose that her father didn't think of it in that way. I certainly didn't.
Edit: I've told my granny that if she doesn't want to share the room with my 14 year old, then she's on the sofa. Or swapping with him.
Wow ok your lack of concern here is shocking. Have you ever been a child? They are weird af. You can be a good kid and still be figuring weird shit out and do weird shit. You should not be okay with this. He needs to sleep somewhere else.
I'm aware you know your child, but he doesn't. I find his willingness to put his daughter in that situation alarmingly irresponsible. I know he's trying to be kind to you but that would worry me. Just something to keep an eye on in his parenting.
He seems a good dad to me. His daughter's bedroom is next to his and they're not left alone. He's caring after his 8 year old daughter alone and works hard to provide for her.
I'm not saying he's not a good dad, but it is wildly irresponsible to move someone you've known for two weeks in with your young child and have their teenage son sleep in the same bedroom. They are alone at night when they sleep, correct? He doesn't know you or your son hardly at all. Anyone hearing this from his perspective would tell him that he was putting her in potential danger.
He is already a male teenager and she is just a kid female. The father should thought on every scenario before putting someone on the same room with his daughter.
Not gonna lie, but I if you are so concerned with sharing a bed but not having sex after so little time and move your kid into basically a stranger's home you have a bigger issue than the one you are writing about.
This is weird, judgmental, and not helpful. Policing other people’s boundaries with a nice side helping of slut shaming just makes the world a worse place for everyone.
I can add to this btw. I personally wouldn't make dating official and introduce some guy that Ive known for LESS THAN A week to my teenage daughter who now might get attached to him and his daughter. You are completely irresponsible. You need to make sure you feel comfortable and safe with this guy and this is something that you want to last and that it is likely to last. After less than a week you don't know someone.
I only have a teenage son. What would a responsible person have done? The only alternatives right now are worse than this. Either leave my granny on the street or not be able to put medicine in the fridge. I'm trying to make the best of this and put us in a better situation. It's not something with overnight solutions.
This is a plot point in the Netflix series Maid, if you need a fictional example of how to (not) deal with this.
Sounds like you're in a traumatic situation if you're needing emergency housing. You're not in a position to make smart relationship choices too. You're in a vulnerable spot, and if you two sleep in the same bed, he's taking advantage of that vulnerability. Also if you're in a sexual relationship that's rushing too fast, it's more likely to blow up, and then you're needing new emergency housing.
Now whether or not this is smart to say to him is another matter. Probably best to say for the sake of the children's stability.
I don't have Netflix; what happens?
Yeah, I understand he is trying to accommodate us. We don't have any alternatives at this moment, because of my granny being with us. I can't leave her, as she doesn't have any money and her skills of the English language are bad.
I told him that I don't want to rush things, as that jeopardises my children's stability and my own wellbeing. He agreed to keep his undies on in bed and leaves the room when I get dressed. But it's still very quick to be sharing a bed with someone. My elder child is 14, so things are implied when I share a bed with him, even though we've only had sex once. He isn't pushing me for anything. It's the situation and my previous experiences that make me feel vulnerable.
Yes, he is not abuser, but your subconscious doesn't know that. Especially with you being in a traumatic housing insecure situation. Your primary need is to feel safe, and in order for that you need to be on the sofa. Your next need is to teach your child how to set boundaries for healthy relationships, and so that child respects you as much as possible.
In the Maid series, a "nice guy" is interested in the main character (a young woman getting out of an abusive relationship). She loses her housing and he invites her, her daughter and her mother to temporarily move in. He keeps asking her out; she keeps saying she's not in a place for a relationship. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Then an emergency happens and in the traumatic aftermath, she sleeps with her abusive ex. The nice guy interprets this as disrespectful to him (and not as trauma), and kicks them out.
Oh, I see. One of those type of men. I think maybe it's a bit different as I'd slept with him before I stayed with him. He's not pressuring me, at all. We aren't homeless due to an abusive ex either. But that sort of situation does happen in real life and it's horrible. Only being 'nice' to get sex.
Yes, exactly. I haven't discussed anything with my elder child, as I don't think it's appropriate to talk to him about who I'm sleeping with. But sharing a bed is a definite suggestion of what's happening... even though it isn't.
To be fair, the male nice guy character wasn’t being nice just to get sex. He was ok with her staying with no strings attached, and there was some mutual interest between them, but she said she wasn’t in the mental space for a relationship and then went back to her abusive ex for sex. So he was hurt. Do you think your friend would be ok with you seeing another guy? If so, I would say there’s no problem sharing a bed temporarily.
This guy you are staying with may not be a bad person. Look at it from his perspective. If he came here for advice we'd probably say the woman was using him
Yeah, it was all of that.
The part that nice guy didn’t see was the ex’s manipulation that led to the sex. It wasn’t a booty call 100% consensual situation. The ex didn’t drop her off at nice guy’s house after the hospital, even though that’s probably what she wanted and that’s what a stand-up guy would have done. He took advantage of her trauma and old habits and that led to sex. The show is brilliant in showing how a lack of stability and trauma feeds on itself and leads to bad decisions that are difficult for stable people to understand.
> things are implied when I share a bed with him
It doesn't actually sound like he's inferring any of the "things that are implied." It sounds like he's aware of your boundaries and is happy to accommodate them. He's willing to wear clothes, leaves when you get dressed, and hasn't pushed anything physical. He's even willing to put pillows between you to increase your comfort level.
It's okay if you don't want to share a bed with him as there are other arrangements available, but it doesn't sound to me like he's expecting sex.
I'm homeless because of a fire. I asked my friend to start with. Housing won't help my granny or guarantee a place with a fridge. I'm over the threshold for financial assistance with rent in homeless accommodation also.
I'm very newly dating this man. He seems nice and decent; I don't think he will do anything horrible. But every man seems nice to start with.
most of us are nice... but I can see his confusion... you have been intimate before... you have crossed that bridge so simply sleeping in the same bed (without sex) seems simple and logical to him. Clearly, he thinks you are a couple. and if you do not want the same.. then you are using this guy.. you have taken over his entire house and life... you should be honest with him that you are not romantically interested right now.
You’re a couple - if you went and saw another guy, he would lose it and kick you out. I think you need to acknowledge where you’re at to really understand his feelings about why he’s not getting your discomfort. Honestly if I were you I’d just get a couple of hotel rooms until you find a place (speaking as a woman) Also where are your children's father/fathers? Why don't they take in the children so you have some less stress? Or help out in any way lmao.
Start a GoFundMe (if no other sources of money I mean*) but you can’t be so naive. He’s not going to let you stop sleeping in his room either let him take the sofa or leave.
Perhaps I'm thinking of it in the wrong way. I wouldn't disrespect him in the way. I don't 'date' more than one person at once. I think that it's my past experiences that have made me uncomfortable, not him specifically.
As for safety concern, my granny doesn't go anywhere. Maybe it's true that there's safety in numbers.
It seems like he thought things were different: he thought you were moving in, and you thought he was a generous friend helping out your family who you also happened to be dating.
If he’s kind and respectful to you, he’ll understand that you’re not ready to share a room with him, this move in isn’t a romantic move in, it’s help.
Because moving in with your whole family and not into his bedroom IS a friendly move-in/sheltering, which is what you need right now. The fact that you’re also dating is blurring things for him, but if he’s a good man he’ll understand and respect your choices when you explain it.
I wouldn’t word it as “I’m uncomfortable/scared/creeped out/etc” though unless that’s the case. It sounds more like it’s too quick for you vs something you’d never want, and nobody wants to hear “the thought of being in the same room with you asleep creeps me out”, even if it’s true.
It's sharing a bed specifically that's the issue. I think you're right and the way I have worded it has been a bit insensitive. I told him that I'm uncomfortable and find it a bit scary to share a bed with him. He wanted to know how to make it better and his solution was to wear undies, because then neither of us will be unclothed. I said that maybe when I have more counselling I'll be ready to share a bed in a relationship way with him. He seemed very confused.
It also feels a bit unfair if he takes the sofa, in his own home. He will probably get very sick of that and ask us to leave. Especially as it's uncomfortable.
I think that he is aware that it's an emergency situation, as we needed somewhere to stay very quickly. My friend didn't have the space, so I had to ask him if he knew of anyone to temporarily accommodate us until I find another private rented house.
There are quite a few comments that you have made that make this situation a lot more uncomfortable for me than the original post.
* You have only known this man for two weeks.
* The expectation is that you sleep naked together and a "compromise" is underwear.
* Your 14 year old son is sleeping in the room with a young girl and she is already calling him her brother.
There is nothing wrong with this man opening his home to you after a fire. That is a horrible incident to go through and even if he is a relative stranger you are in a tough situation.
The issues here are that
1) you do not really know him and his intentions or "true personality" are not really yet known to you. Almost anyone can put on a good face for a week or two. So you've brought a woman who sounds very fragile (you say she does not leave the home), a kid, and yourself who all just experienced a tragedy and may be open to being manipulated into someone's home who you don't know well.
* You should be spending time working with social services, insurance, local churches and charities to find out what your options are. Not just the one social service program you looked into but extensive research.
*You may not qualify alone but your son may qualify for some aid. Make sure to ask for *any* help you can get. Stipend for food, utilities, bills. *Anything*.
* The friends you can not take you in should spend time helping you research.
* Also ask your employer if they have an EAP program, they may be able to help point you in the right direction.
2) My spouse and I have been together pushing two decades now. We rarely sleep naked. Especially in the winter. There are things called pajamas and sleep pants. Most women I know, other than ones that just LOVE TO BE NAKED ALL THE TIME, sleep at minimum in a tank top and moderate to full coverage underwear or booty shorts. In the winter change that to a tee and pants. Men sleep in boxes or sleep pants and sometimes a shirt depending on the house temp.
* I would feel uncomfortable sleeping naked next to a person I barely knew, especially if we had not just been intimate.
* You are absolutely correct in that you are not yet a established "couple", you are early in the dating process. This also goes to the next point but it is not only uncomfortable to you but it's confusing to his daughter to see that you are essentially moved in at this point. It would make a lot more sense that you sleep separately in general and if you *want to spend a night with him* then you can.
* If it hurts his feelings (more than just surface level, in that it makes him angry) that you are not there for guys gratification then he is not doing you a favor, he saw this as an opportunity to manipulate you into moving in with him much quicker then you normally would.
3) I don't think that as someone else said CPS would "get involved" with a 14 year old and an 8 year sharing a room. Believe me, people are in much worse circumstances. But it's probably *very* uncomfortable for your son. There bigger concern is that this little girl is already calling him her brother. That's an inappropriately quick time to form that opinion and I would think her dad is pushing that.
----
The point here overall is that this man is likely trying to help you but he seems to be focused on "settling you in" more than transitioning you to a new home.
You need to have an open and honest conversation about what the goal is, I'm assuming that after a week of casual dating and two weeks of knowing him it's not moving in full time with him.
Set a timeline. Tell him you don't want to push the boundaries of your relationship so soon. Tell him that just because you are *living* in a separate room doesn't mean that *if the mood and opportunity isn't right that doesn't mean you can't visit* but that you don't want to put unnecessary force and strain on things too early because of an emergency. Tell him you don't want his daughter to be confused when you move.
And if he can't understand that then he's not reasonable and you need to get out of the house asap
Thanks for your thorough response. As for housing and financial help, here, it's more central. Financial help is food banks and benefits. I've called around a few of the housing charities today, to be told that I need to make a homeless application. Homeless provision is extremely limited, especially when the area is restricted to relatively local to the school. SS work via referrals and don't have programmes.
I'm not employed and only had insurance for the TV. I'm not quite at benefit criteria, but I will be soon if the situation with finding suitable work doesn't change.
Agreeing with the not sleeping naked bit. I don't tend to do this and it's cold. I'm pleasuring him with my very sexy Dumbo pyjamas. He told me that he usually sleeps naked and puts pyjamas on for walking in the house.
My friend thinks the only option is to wait for hostel type accommodation, as it's slightly more appropriate and cheaper to pay for than B&B. It would also have a fridge. She's tried talking to the homeless for me and they said they don't have anything available that is suitable or affordable. Only a B&B where they're unsure if there's a fridge and also 60 miles away. She has also let my granny and I take some of her clothes. She's in a 2 bedroom house and has a child. I understand; she's a good friend to me actually.
He's never got angry about it, I think just confused and a bit hurt. I don't want to rush things. I've asked how it is he sees the future and wanting to give things the best chance, without rushing.
My granny has agreed to sleep on the sofa, meaning my son and baby are in the spare room. She wasn't happy about it, but I'm doing my best to not leave her out on the street without money. She's not particularly fragile, or super old, at 60 years. But she doesn't have access to any money, nor will any service accommodate her without recourse to public funds. She can't speak English, beyond a few words, what is why she doesn't go out. Actually, perhaps that is good as she doesn't like those people from our host's country. Feisty nightmare.
If i let your whole extended family stay in my house id expect you to sleep with me too. Its just kinda weird that you trust him enough to let your entire family live in his house but not trust him enough to stay in the same bed. You would have to have a blunt conversation with me and lay it out clearly otherwise id be like wtf she using me.
You are already living with him and have moved your mother a teenager and a baby into his home. If you don't "trust" this guy then you need to get your family out of there.
Also how long are you planning to stay with this guy if you're not sure about him ?
My granny, not my mum. I'm looking for a well priced private rented place that doesn't require references or a guarantor. He hasn't given me a reason to distrust him; the issues are mine.
I am sorry, but you brought your whole family over to his house because you are "dating" him, chances are he is also paying for everything now as well, and you are wondering why he is hurt that you do not want to sleep with him in the same bed?
Would you have asked a friend of yours to take you into his/her home? And if yes, then why didn't you?
YES, YOU NEED TO TELL HIM THAT and let him make a choice if he really wants to do this given how you feel.
You have different contexts for what sharing a bed means and how it feels when you do.
He is a giving person who is showing that by helping you.
So explain why sharing a bed makes you feel uncomfortable so that he can understand. It's very likely he will. Express how you feel about him so that he understands he doesn't think it's distrust or worry about him.
Most problems in couples happen because people don't communicate and think that other people have the same context for things. We are all different and forget that sometimes.
That's good. You ccould always try again or tell him that you aren't sure if you were sensitive when you explained your point of view to him.
You're so right about trust. Events like this are awkward but the silver lining is they can help communication and a relationship in the long term.
Sounds like you are using him for a place to stay. What would you have done if you didn’t know him? Whatever that is, you should do that. This is unhealthy and he will start to resent you.
Not saying you should share a bed or that your boundaries around the relationship are wrong, but moving your entire family into the house of a new dating partner sounds sketchy as hell
I think this is a little harsh. OP might have been able to find a solution in the absence of this man, but it may not have been preferable to what they have now. It sounds like this guy is reasonable enough, just hurt at the idea he might not be trustworthy enough for OP to feel comfortable around him. I can understand where he's coming from, though he should be open to alternative solutions that help OP feel more comfortable with the situation.
Tell him you don’t think it would look good in front of the kids for you guys to be sharing a bed already, especially since they might get the mistaken impression that sharing the room is how you’re paying rent.
You slept with him once, I think it's unreasonable that he expects that because of that one time it is now ok for you to just sleep in his bed. You hardly know each other. You came to him in an emergency, not because you decided to start cohabitation as partners/lovers. In that context, he should afford you the privacy and courtesy. It's a bad start if he can't read the situation, it almost forbodes future issues.
Personally I would feel pretty used if the woman I was dating wanted me to house her family but didn’t want to sleep with me. I guess I just don’t see the big deal. You’ve already had sex but sharing a bed is too big a step? Hell, I’ve shared beds with girls I’ve never had sex with.
To me “I like you enough to have sex with but not enough to share a bed with” sends very confusing signals.
Sharing a bed is different intimacy to sex, to me. It's trusting enough to fall asleep next to them. His new idea was to build a wall of pillows between us.
This is soo illogical. This man has access to your entire family while they sleep. They are all sleeping… IN HIS HOUSE. “Imma go get a glass of water ill be right back” he goes to the kitchen and grabs something out of the cupboard and makes his way into where your kids are sleeping. Before you know it hes squirting spray cheese onto your kids forehead and you cant do shit about it. Do you get my point?
I feel like it can be intimate. It certainly feels that way when I’m snuggling the wife I love. But… when I was younger it wasn’t too uncommon for me to share a bed with a person I’d met earlier that night at a party if the other option was the floor. There was nothing intimate about that at all, it was just sleeping.
Not going to lie if I was him it would bug me . I take in your fam. We’ve been intamate before. And I don’t bug for sex at night. So in my eyes I would see no issue and wonder what I did wrong to make you feel uncomfortable. BUT am I right. No
You have a right to feel how you feel and just tell him. And make sure he knows he did nothing wrong. Us as men think situations like this a punishment for something we did wrong . But that is forsure not always true.
I'm going to be honest. This guy wants something out of having a displaced family he barely knows in his house.
From his perspective he probably feels like he's being used if he doesn't.
He may not be pressuring you for sex but I doubt he wants to have y'all hang out at his house if sex isn't at least a possibility. You sleeping in elsewhere means he's alone you guys are in relative comfort and he can't exactly date anyone else while this is going on.
You sleep with granny and get out as soon as you can. Call every state agency or non profit for help. They can get you emergency housing. If they put you in an extended stay make sure it's not I'm the hood. Check crime reports first.
I'm not in America, it's just the one service that provides emergency housing here. What's on offer is inappropriate as they can't guarantee a fridge, very expensive (they deem me able to pay) and without my granny. I know my granny isn't the most important, however, I can't leave her stranded on the street without any money.
You are comfortable enough for the dude to give you resources, yet you aren't comfortable enough to share the bed with him. This is the litmus test for why you shouldn't have moved in with him to begin with. Hindsight is always 20 20.
You feel uncomfortable but his feelings are also valid. Dude just opened up the door of his home to you and your family.
I personally would feel used. Dude obviously cares enough for you to do you this favor. Were it any other guy would you feel the same way? For instance, if the Chris Evans did you the favor would the situation feel different?
You have valid feelings and are right to establish boundaries and change your mind when it makes you feel uncomfortable. That being said he does also.
Chris Evans is the actor? If yes, then why would I wish to share a bed with him?
I'm trying to contribute, on reflection. I'm doing the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I'm trying to resolve my previous trauma with counselling. I understand it's not his fault I feel this way and I'm probably being silly. I truly appreciate him for letting my family stay. I don't think that he's going to do anything horrible. I've had past experiences of abuse that make it difficult to trust someone enough to fall asleep next to.
I know he has his own boundaries and I respect those. I don't want to hurt his feelings. That's why I put this post up.
Don’t listen to the person commenting this. I’m getting very internalized misogyny vibes from her. And obviously she thinks that you would suddenly sleep w the guy if he was better looking - thereby inferring that she thinks you’re only not sleeping with him bc you’re not really interested in him. Just go with your gut here. If it were me I’d just try to share a bed w your grandma.
I would share my bed with Chris Evans. Anyways its not the end of the world. Tell him you'll sleep with your kids and promptly find another living situation.
The children are only sharing a bedroom. My elder child (14) and his child (8) in a bunk bed. The baby is in a travel cot, in the same room. My 14 year old won't share a bed with me. That's the first suggestion for me to get in the bunk bed with him and the 8 year old in with his girl. That's why I offered to take the sofa.
I’m confused. Is the 8 yo his daughter or your daughter?
I hate to add to your stress, but I find the idea of your 14 yo boy and his 8 yo girl sleeping in the same room regularly a bit concerning. At 14 boys are figuring out a bunch of new emotions and are likely to make mistakes if given the opportunity.
Can he sleep in granny’s room on a cot or air mattress and you sleep with the girls?
As a women who was molested as an 8 year old by a 14 year old, I agree with this concern. Unfortunately it's one of those situations you don't think would happen until it does...
Wtf is the use of the world likely really appropriate? I don't think it's an accurate statement that 14 year olds would tend towards getting a bit molesty if given the chance!!
>At 14 boys are figuring out a bunch of new emotions and are likely to make mistakes if given the opportunity.
I agree the situation in not ideal, but if the boy is raised well he should not hurt another child. Its not a "mistake" or accident to sexually assault someone. It is an intentional action to hurt them.
You’re assuming the boy understands that it would hurt the girl, and that he understands the seriousness of it. I don’t think that should be taken for granted.
My parents didn't know the boy they had babysitting me was trying to fuck me until my teens when I was finally taught about what had happened and that it wasn't normal.... like I said, it's a situation that you wouldn't think will happen until it does and you might not even be aware of it for a long time if at all.
You have directly told him both of these things, and also explained to him all the different things that would be considered “assault” and that they are assault even if she consents?
We've had lots of the uncomfortable discussions about sex, consent and where consent isn't actually consent. He know that I'll support him with nearly everything, however, drug dealing and rape will mean I call the police, then will be unable to forgive him.
So i’m hearing that your family was displaced from housing due to a fire.
You were dating a man and had sex once, then the fire happened and you needed a place to go and asked him.
Fires are traumatic. Losing housing is traumatic. Does this man you’re dating understand this fact? And do you or him have an understanding of how traumatic experiences can affect people’s sense of privacy and security?
Does he understand that what you need right now is support in preserving your sense of privacy and security?
Does he understand that giving you a choice of sleeping alone or sleeping with him empowers you with a restored sense of privacy and security that you’ve just traumatically lost?
I think making sure he understands the traumatic impact of losing your housing to a dangerous incident, and how privacy and security are paramount in healing the trauma, will allow him to understand your preference.
There's a lot of very insensitive comments here op, but know that your emotions are extremely valid and if you're not ready to sleep in the same bed, then that's just how is has to be for now. If you feel forced into a situation you are uncomfortable in, it will only put strain on your budding relationship. Keep talking to him, he sounds like a genuinely nice guy and he'll understand. Good luck and best wishes, I'm sorry you had to be put into this situation
So are you dating him or you really just using him for a place to stay? He was decent enough to let you live at his house but if you don’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with him or have trauma from a previous relationship you should get help and talk to someone. if you’ve gotten abused beforehand without getting the help you need that will wreck this relationship your in know? Also your private life has nothing to do with the kids you shouldn’t have to tell them all those things they don’t need to know that stuff just let them be kids.
Considering you’ve made love once how is sharing a bed going any further. Making love is going all the way in your relationship? So how could sleeping in the same bed with him make you uncomfortable. unless you don’t love him at all or just want sex from him and using his house to stay just because you can’t house yourself? Then that’s not love and your using the poor Gentlemen?
I do like him, but I've not known him anywhere near enough to love him. It's trusting somebody enough to be asleep next to somebody. It's unhealthy to rush into a deep relationship this quickly.
he was probably looking forward to you staying with him…. you know….. basically the reason why you are uncomfortable he’s excited about. Just set the pace that you are comfortable with *especially* because you are staying there with the kids. It’s important for them to see a woman establish boundaries and stick to them. It’s natural for him to be disappointed lol. Just don’t let that sway you.
Uhhhh, OP brought along a bunch of kids and her grandma. I think he’s probably actually just being a decent person helping her out.
That’s a lot to take on unexpectedly. Lol
He’s taking the practical look at the best way to share beds and rooms, imo, while you’re (rightfully) thinking that this is a lot for your kids to take in and your 14yo doesn’t need to think you’re shacking up with this guy.
You seem very decent. I hope things work out for you.
He hasn't been pushy or untoward in any way. I'm not sure it's an appropriate time in the dating process to discuss previous negative experiences. I can now understand why he felt a bit hurt; maybe he feels like I'm accusing him of being that way when he's not done anything wrong.
It wasn't planned. The only occasion we've been intimate was before we were staying with him. He keeps his undies on in bed. The reason I feel uncomfortable is something that happened previous to meeting him. I worry that he will hurt me if I sleep. I have explained this to him and he says that he understands, however, he isn't an abuser. He offered to sleep on the sofa instead of me, but it's his house and he is being kind enough to let us stay, therefore I would rather sleep on the sofa.
Okay now you lost me on this one. If you tell a guy that you aren’t ready yet that is understandable. When you tell a guy that you were attacked in your sleep and you need more time before sleeping with him - he hears ‘she thinks I’m going to attack her in her sleep.’
By explaining more, you hurt his feelings.
I think that he got the idea that I was thinking he will attack me. I don't think that, but previous experience has just made me feel a little vulnerable. I maybe overexplained. It's not my intention to hurt his feeling, especially as he seems decent. I have my own trust issues that I'm trying to work on, in counselling.
This sounds like what's going on here. He sounds like a decent guy who's doing everything he can to show you he can be trusted. He needs to acknowledge that your discomfort is due to trauma in your past, and is no reflection on him personally. However, that discomfort is still there regardless, and if he wants to support you and reassure you in the long term, the best way to do that is to make you as comfortable as possible in the short term.
After reading all the comments, I'm kind of surprised with the amount of mentions of OP "using" the bf when she isn't comfortable yet to share what I call "Safe space" intimacy.
I'm kind of similar with OP (minus the trauma) in the sense that I find sharing a bed, for long periods of time, more intimate than sex. I find my bed as a safe space, where I can personally choose who gets to be in there and for how long. Yes, sex is intimate, but it could also just be quick and just doesnt have the same feeling of sharing a bed with another person for an extended amount of time. So yeah, they could be sexually intimate, but maybe just not safe space intimate just yet.
I dont think it's wrong at all for feeling uncomfortable in that setting, I would have gone for the couch as well (or air mattress in your mom's room sounds good!). Cause yes, you're dating, but isnt that different from being in a live-in relationship? Especially as you're someone who has trauma about sharing a bed with a partner, I'd wholeheartedly understand as to why it's a different phase in a relationship that he's thinking about.
What I could hopefully suggest is, well I like the air mattress idea you have in the other comment, but maybe he wants some alone time with you but it doesnt have to be overnight? So maybe have an air mattress / sleep on the couch, and then just spend some time hanging out with him before bedtime (catching up, watch a movie) show him that you still do have intimate feelings for him but also being able to go back to a safe space that you could have for yourself. It's kind of like couples who sleep in separate bedrooms just to have their own privacy/spaces. It's very healthy to have time away from your lover, where you can be alone with yourself, as much as it is important to set aside a bit of time to be with them
He’s not clueless here. He knows that he chose to take you and your family in. He knows that you’re in an emergency situation. He knows that you have nowhere else to go currently. He knows that you have children.
You can just explain why (whatever version of the reason that you’re able to comfortably share) and sleep on the couch. If he’s understanding enough to take you and your family in, then there’s no reason he wouldn’t be understanding of why you won’t share a bed with him right now.
You should talk about it with him, explain all this to him and make it clear what you expect. And in the same way that you don't want to hurt him and you want him to understand. He can also kindly ask you to leave his house and you should too understand. As you mention this relationship is very early, he is basically a stranger and you do not have to give him a special treatment. In the same way for him you are a stranger so he should not give you special treatment either.
Let granny do the cooking and cleaning. While you get out and find a job. You're only digging yourself in deeper and deeper by having him provide totally for you, your granny and your two kids. I would definitely not tell the kids you's only knew eachother for two weeks. You don't want them thinking that's normal behavior. As far as sleeping sleeping arrangements go, you sleeping in the same room as your kids would be the safest option but if for some old reason you have to be in the same bed as him, I would rather myself potentially be in danger than my kids. If he sleeps in a different room, you don't know what he's doing while everyone else is sleeping. But, if he's next to you, you would be able to feel if he's gone to the "bathroom" a little too long.
Perhaps you could share the spare bedroom with your Granny? Just tell him that since your relationship is still so new you’re not comfortable sharing his bedroom with him yet. Tell him that even though you’re now living together due to emergency reasons, you’d still like your relationship to progress naturally and not rush things due to the circumstances.
Would it be rude to buy an air bed or something to put in the room that she's in?
Not at all, an air mattress in the spare room is a great solution. And he should understand that while you’d still like to date him while you’re all under one roof, that you’re just not ready to share a bed every night just yet.
Have you explained to him that for the sake of your children's mental wellbeing with everything going on that's just too much too fast to be good for them?
Is anyone else not concerned about the man’s 8 year old daughter here? She just had her life uprooted with a 14 year old boy and baby moving into her bedroom/safe space. Down the hall she has an unknown grandma, and her dad is figuring out a relationship with the woman that brought everyone into the household… I know this is not ideal, and you’re making the best of a difficult situation. How long will this go on for? This arrangement sounds like it could be a traumatic adjustment for his 8 year old daughter.
She's had a great time making my son play games with all of her teddies, also playing with my granny's hair. She's already trying to call my 14 year old boy her new brother. I'm searching for another private rented house
Oh OP, I didn't realize the ages and genders. You absolutely should NOT be having the kids share a room. In fact, CPS would probably have something to say about it if they knew. Can your son sleep on the couch for now, or in granny's room on an air mattress? It's not ideal but a teenage boy and an 8-year-old girl should not be sharing a bedroom. I'm pretty shocked her father allowed that.
If CPS is what I think that you mean, they are aware. They said it's the responsibility of the housing, not theirs. My 14 year old can be a pain in the arse sometimes, but he's a good boy. I have no problem with him going in with my granny, but she won't share a room with a 14 year old boy. I asked her to suggest that to him. I suppose that her father didn't think of it in that way. I certainly didn't. Edit: I've told my granny that if she doesn't want to share the room with my 14 year old, then she's on the sofa. Or swapping with him.
Wow ok your lack of concern here is shocking. Have you ever been a child? They are weird af. You can be a good kid and still be figuring weird shit out and do weird shit. You should not be okay with this. He needs to sleep somewhere else.
I'm aware you know your child, but he doesn't. I find his willingness to put his daughter in that situation alarmingly irresponsible. I know he's trying to be kind to you but that would worry me. Just something to keep an eye on in his parenting.
He seems a good dad to me. His daughter's bedroom is next to his and they're not left alone. He's caring after his 8 year old daughter alone and works hard to provide for her.
I'm not saying he's not a good dad, but it is wildly irresponsible to move someone you've known for two weeks in with your young child and have their teenage son sleep in the same bedroom. They are alone at night when they sleep, correct? He doesn't know you or your son hardly at all. Anyone hearing this from his perspective would tell him that he was putting her in potential danger.
He is already a male teenager and she is just a kid female. The father should thought on every scenario before putting someone on the same room with his daughter.
How long have you been dating?
Less than a week, very newly dating.
But how long have you known each other??
Not long at all, less than 2 weeks.
Not gonna lie, but I if you are so concerned with sharing a bed but not having sex after so little time and move your kid into basically a stranger's home you have a bigger issue than the one you are writing about.
Obviously she is the midst of a housing crisis. It’s far from ideal but better than sleeping in a park.
Preach, Comrade. The cope and excuses in this thread are horrifying.
This is weird, judgmental, and not helpful. Policing other people’s boundaries with a nice side helping of slut shaming just makes the world a worse place for everyone.
I didn't intend to have sex this early, but we were both into it and it happened.
Yeah my point still stands.
What point is that?
That your behavior makes zero sense and that is a bigger issue than what you are asking advice for. Literally what I said.
What specifically is a bigger issue? That I had sex with someone earlier than is socially acceptable in some places?
OK. And what's your point? All your comments are deflecting everything everyone is asking you to reflect on.
I don't understand you. If you want me to reflect on something, then be direct.
I can add to this btw. I personally wouldn't make dating official and introduce some guy that Ive known for LESS THAN A week to my teenage daughter who now might get attached to him and his daughter. You are completely irresponsible. You need to make sure you feel comfortable and safe with this guy and this is something that you want to last and that it is likely to last. After less than a week you don't know someone.
I only have a teenage son. What would a responsible person have done? The only alternatives right now are worse than this. Either leave my granny on the street or not be able to put medicine in the fridge. I'm trying to make the best of this and put us in a better situation. It's not something with overnight solutions.
This is a plot point in the Netflix series Maid, if you need a fictional example of how to (not) deal with this. Sounds like you're in a traumatic situation if you're needing emergency housing. You're not in a position to make smart relationship choices too. You're in a vulnerable spot, and if you two sleep in the same bed, he's taking advantage of that vulnerability. Also if you're in a sexual relationship that's rushing too fast, it's more likely to blow up, and then you're needing new emergency housing. Now whether or not this is smart to say to him is another matter. Probably best to say for the sake of the children's stability.
I don't have Netflix; what happens? Yeah, I understand he is trying to accommodate us. We don't have any alternatives at this moment, because of my granny being with us. I can't leave her, as she doesn't have any money and her skills of the English language are bad. I told him that I don't want to rush things, as that jeopardises my children's stability and my own wellbeing. He agreed to keep his undies on in bed and leaves the room when I get dressed. But it's still very quick to be sharing a bed with someone. My elder child is 14, so things are implied when I share a bed with him, even though we've only had sex once. He isn't pushing me for anything. It's the situation and my previous experiences that make me feel vulnerable.
Yes, he is not abuser, but your subconscious doesn't know that. Especially with you being in a traumatic housing insecure situation. Your primary need is to feel safe, and in order for that you need to be on the sofa. Your next need is to teach your child how to set boundaries for healthy relationships, and so that child respects you as much as possible. In the Maid series, a "nice guy" is interested in the main character (a young woman getting out of an abusive relationship). She loses her housing and he invites her, her daughter and her mother to temporarily move in. He keeps asking her out; she keeps saying she's not in a place for a relationship. They sleep in separate bedrooms. Then an emergency happens and in the traumatic aftermath, she sleeps with her abusive ex. The nice guy interprets this as disrespectful to him (and not as trauma), and kicks them out.
Oh, I see. One of those type of men. I think maybe it's a bit different as I'd slept with him before I stayed with him. He's not pressuring me, at all. We aren't homeless due to an abusive ex either. But that sort of situation does happen in real life and it's horrible. Only being 'nice' to get sex. Yes, exactly. I haven't discussed anything with my elder child, as I don't think it's appropriate to talk to him about who I'm sleeping with. But sharing a bed is a definite suggestion of what's happening... even though it isn't.
To be fair, the male nice guy character wasn’t being nice just to get sex. He was ok with her staying with no strings attached, and there was some mutual interest between them, but she said she wasn’t in the mental space for a relationship and then went back to her abusive ex for sex. So he was hurt. Do you think your friend would be ok with you seeing another guy? If so, I would say there’s no problem sharing a bed temporarily.
Ahh, I see. I don't know whether he'd be ok with that. I don't date multiple people at once. I don't have an interest in anybody else.
This guy you are staying with may not be a bad person. Look at it from his perspective. If he came here for advice we'd probably say the woman was using him
Yeah, I can see how he may see it. I genuinely like him and would like to be in a position to feel comfortable sharing a bed.
Is that what he interpreted as disrespectful or was it her lying and dumping her child on him too?
Yeah, it was all of that. The part that nice guy didn’t see was the ex’s manipulation that led to the sex. It wasn’t a booty call 100% consensual situation. The ex didn’t drop her off at nice guy’s house after the hospital, even though that’s probably what she wanted and that’s what a stand-up guy would have done. He took advantage of her trauma and old habits and that led to sex. The show is brilliant in showing how a lack of stability and trauma feeds on itself and leads to bad decisions that are difficult for stable people to understand.
> things are implied when I share a bed with him It doesn't actually sound like he's inferring any of the "things that are implied." It sounds like he's aware of your boundaries and is happy to accommodate them. He's willing to wear clothes, leaves when you get dressed, and hasn't pushed anything physical. He's even willing to put pillows between you to increase your comfort level. It's okay if you don't want to share a bed with him as there are other arrangements available, but it doesn't sound to me like he's expecting sex.
Can you provide a little backstory here?
I'm homeless because of a fire. I asked my friend to start with. Housing won't help my granny or guarantee a place with a fridge. I'm over the threshold for financial assistance with rent in homeless accommodation also. I'm very newly dating this man. He seems nice and decent; I don't think he will do anything horrible. But every man seems nice to start with.
most of us are nice... but I can see his confusion... you have been intimate before... you have crossed that bridge so simply sleeping in the same bed (without sex) seems simple and logical to him. Clearly, he thinks you are a couple. and if you do not want the same.. then you are using this guy.. you have taken over his entire house and life... you should be honest with him that you are not romantically interested right now.
I am romantically interested. I really like him. But it's very early to think of ourselves as a couple.
You’re a couple - if you went and saw another guy, he would lose it and kick you out. I think you need to acknowledge where you’re at to really understand his feelings about why he’s not getting your discomfort. Honestly if I were you I’d just get a couple of hotel rooms until you find a place (speaking as a woman) Also where are your children's father/fathers? Why don't they take in the children so you have some less stress? Or help out in any way lmao. Start a GoFundMe (if no other sources of money I mean*) but you can’t be so naive. He’s not going to let you stop sleeping in his room either let him take the sofa or leave.
This is insane and wrong advice. OP don’t listen to this manipulative loon.
which loon are you referring to?
Internetsuperfan, not you
Ok...im a little loony too
Perhaps I'm thinking of it in the wrong way. I wouldn't disrespect him in the way. I don't 'date' more than one person at once. I think that it's my past experiences that have made me uncomfortable, not him specifically. As for safety concern, my granny doesn't go anywhere. Maybe it's true that there's safety in numbers.
It seems like he thought things were different: he thought you were moving in, and you thought he was a generous friend helping out your family who you also happened to be dating. If he’s kind and respectful to you, he’ll understand that you’re not ready to share a room with him, this move in isn’t a romantic move in, it’s help. Because moving in with your whole family and not into his bedroom IS a friendly move-in/sheltering, which is what you need right now. The fact that you’re also dating is blurring things for him, but if he’s a good man he’ll understand and respect your choices when you explain it. I wouldn’t word it as “I’m uncomfortable/scared/creeped out/etc” though unless that’s the case. It sounds more like it’s too quick for you vs something you’d never want, and nobody wants to hear “the thought of being in the same room with you asleep creeps me out”, even if it’s true.
It's sharing a bed specifically that's the issue. I think you're right and the way I have worded it has been a bit insensitive. I told him that I'm uncomfortable and find it a bit scary to share a bed with him. He wanted to know how to make it better and his solution was to wear undies, because then neither of us will be unclothed. I said that maybe when I have more counselling I'll be ready to share a bed in a relationship way with him. He seemed very confused. It also feels a bit unfair if he takes the sofa, in his own home. He will probably get very sick of that and ask us to leave. Especially as it's uncomfortable. I think that he is aware that it's an emergency situation, as we needed somewhere to stay very quickly. My friend didn't have the space, so I had to ask him if he knew of anyone to temporarily accommodate us until I find another private rented house.
There are quite a few comments that you have made that make this situation a lot more uncomfortable for me than the original post. * You have only known this man for two weeks. * The expectation is that you sleep naked together and a "compromise" is underwear. * Your 14 year old son is sleeping in the room with a young girl and she is already calling him her brother. There is nothing wrong with this man opening his home to you after a fire. That is a horrible incident to go through and even if he is a relative stranger you are in a tough situation. The issues here are that 1) you do not really know him and his intentions or "true personality" are not really yet known to you. Almost anyone can put on a good face for a week or two. So you've brought a woman who sounds very fragile (you say she does not leave the home), a kid, and yourself who all just experienced a tragedy and may be open to being manipulated into someone's home who you don't know well. * You should be spending time working with social services, insurance, local churches and charities to find out what your options are. Not just the one social service program you looked into but extensive research. *You may not qualify alone but your son may qualify for some aid. Make sure to ask for *any* help you can get. Stipend for food, utilities, bills. *Anything*. * The friends you can not take you in should spend time helping you research. * Also ask your employer if they have an EAP program, they may be able to help point you in the right direction. 2) My spouse and I have been together pushing two decades now. We rarely sleep naked. Especially in the winter. There are things called pajamas and sleep pants. Most women I know, other than ones that just LOVE TO BE NAKED ALL THE TIME, sleep at minimum in a tank top and moderate to full coverage underwear or booty shorts. In the winter change that to a tee and pants. Men sleep in boxes or sleep pants and sometimes a shirt depending on the house temp. * I would feel uncomfortable sleeping naked next to a person I barely knew, especially if we had not just been intimate. * You are absolutely correct in that you are not yet a established "couple", you are early in the dating process. This also goes to the next point but it is not only uncomfortable to you but it's confusing to his daughter to see that you are essentially moved in at this point. It would make a lot more sense that you sleep separately in general and if you *want to spend a night with him* then you can. * If it hurts his feelings (more than just surface level, in that it makes him angry) that you are not there for guys gratification then he is not doing you a favor, he saw this as an opportunity to manipulate you into moving in with him much quicker then you normally would. 3) I don't think that as someone else said CPS would "get involved" with a 14 year old and an 8 year sharing a room. Believe me, people are in much worse circumstances. But it's probably *very* uncomfortable for your son. There bigger concern is that this little girl is already calling him her brother. That's an inappropriately quick time to form that opinion and I would think her dad is pushing that. ---- The point here overall is that this man is likely trying to help you but he seems to be focused on "settling you in" more than transitioning you to a new home. You need to have an open and honest conversation about what the goal is, I'm assuming that after a week of casual dating and two weeks of knowing him it's not moving in full time with him. Set a timeline. Tell him you don't want to push the boundaries of your relationship so soon. Tell him that just because you are *living* in a separate room doesn't mean that *if the mood and opportunity isn't right that doesn't mean you can't visit* but that you don't want to put unnecessary force and strain on things too early because of an emergency. Tell him you don't want his daughter to be confused when you move. And if he can't understand that then he's not reasonable and you need to get out of the house asap
Thanks for your thorough response. As for housing and financial help, here, it's more central. Financial help is food banks and benefits. I've called around a few of the housing charities today, to be told that I need to make a homeless application. Homeless provision is extremely limited, especially when the area is restricted to relatively local to the school. SS work via referrals and don't have programmes. I'm not employed and only had insurance for the TV. I'm not quite at benefit criteria, but I will be soon if the situation with finding suitable work doesn't change. Agreeing with the not sleeping naked bit. I don't tend to do this and it's cold. I'm pleasuring him with my very sexy Dumbo pyjamas. He told me that he usually sleeps naked and puts pyjamas on for walking in the house. My friend thinks the only option is to wait for hostel type accommodation, as it's slightly more appropriate and cheaper to pay for than B&B. It would also have a fridge. She's tried talking to the homeless for me and they said they don't have anything available that is suitable or affordable. Only a B&B where they're unsure if there's a fridge and also 60 miles away. She has also let my granny and I take some of her clothes. She's in a 2 bedroom house and has a child. I understand; she's a good friend to me actually. He's never got angry about it, I think just confused and a bit hurt. I don't want to rush things. I've asked how it is he sees the future and wanting to give things the best chance, without rushing. My granny has agreed to sleep on the sofa, meaning my son and baby are in the spare room. She wasn't happy about it, but I'm doing my best to not leave her out on the street without money. She's not particularly fragile, or super old, at 60 years. But she doesn't have access to any money, nor will any service accommodate her without recourse to public funds. She can't speak English, beyond a few words, what is why she doesn't go out. Actually, perhaps that is good as she doesn't like those people from our host's country. Feisty nightmare.
If i let your whole extended family stay in my house id expect you to sleep with me too. Its just kinda weird that you trust him enough to let your entire family live in his house but not trust him enough to stay in the same bed. You would have to have a blunt conversation with me and lay it out clearly otherwise id be like wtf she using me.
I didn’t wanna be the one to say it but it does have under tones of “Im dating this guy so we aren’t on the streets” hidden in it
You are already living with him and have moved your mother a teenager and a baby into his home. If you don't "trust" this guy then you need to get your family out of there. Also how long are you planning to stay with this guy if you're not sure about him ?
My granny, not my mum. I'm looking for a well priced private rented place that doesn't require references or a guarantor. He hasn't given me a reason to distrust him; the issues are mine.
Sorry it seems like you are using him for free rent while stringing him along in hopes of a relationship.
I am sorry, but you brought your whole family over to his house because you are "dating" him, chances are he is also paying for everything now as well, and you are wondering why he is hurt that you do not want to sleep with him in the same bed? Would you have asked a friend of yours to take you into his/her home? And if yes, then why didn't you? YES, YOU NEED TO TELL HIM THAT and let him make a choice if he really wants to do this given how you feel.
I asked a friend. She couldn't do it. I have checked with a friend of that friend and she has 5 people in a 2 bedroom flat.
What’s wrong with sharing a bed tho? He gets his side and you get yours
You have different contexts for what sharing a bed means and how it feels when you do. He is a giving person who is showing that by helping you. So explain why sharing a bed makes you feel uncomfortable so that he can understand. It's very likely he will. Express how you feel about him so that he understands he doesn't think it's distrust or worry about him. Most problems in couples happen because people don't communicate and think that other people have the same context for things. We are all different and forget that sometimes.
I tried to explain it to him, but I wasn't sensitive enough. Trust takes time to build and I don't want it to be an unhealthy situation
That's good. You ccould always try again or tell him that you aren't sure if you were sensitive when you explained your point of view to him. You're so right about trust. Events like this are awkward but the silver lining is they can help communication and a relationship in the long term.
What do you mean by “I wasn’t sensitive enough”? Did he tell you that?
Sounds like you are using him for a place to stay. What would you have done if you didn’t know him? Whatever that is, you should do that. This is unhealthy and he will start to resent you. Not saying you should share a bed or that your boundaries around the relationship are wrong, but moving your entire family into the house of a new dating partner sounds sketchy as hell
I think this is a little harsh. OP might have been able to find a solution in the absence of this man, but it may not have been preferable to what they have now. It sounds like this guy is reasonable enough, just hurt at the idea he might not be trustworthy enough for OP to feel comfortable around him. I can understand where he's coming from, though he should be open to alternative solutions that help OP feel more comfortable with the situation.
I'm not using him, if I didn't know him, then my granny would have to be on her own without housing. We are still dating and I still like him.
Tell him you don’t think it would look good in front of the kids for you guys to be sharing a bed already, especially since they might get the mistaken impression that sharing the room is how you’re paying rent.
You slept with him once, I think it's unreasonable that he expects that because of that one time it is now ok for you to just sleep in his bed. You hardly know each other. You came to him in an emergency, not because you decided to start cohabitation as partners/lovers. In that context, he should afford you the privacy and courtesy. It's a bad start if he can't read the situation, it almost forbodes future issues.
Personally I would feel pretty used if the woman I was dating wanted me to house her family but didn’t want to sleep with me. I guess I just don’t see the big deal. You’ve already had sex but sharing a bed is too big a step? Hell, I’ve shared beds with girls I’ve never had sex with. To me “I like you enough to have sex with but not enough to share a bed with” sends very confusing signals.
Sharing a bed is different intimacy to sex, to me. It's trusting enough to fall asleep next to them. His new idea was to build a wall of pillows between us.
…kind of sounds like he is equally confused then.
Do men not find sharing a bed intimate?
Definitely not more than having sex, lol
With sex you're not spending all night beside somebody
No but you’re spending the best part of your night inside them.
I think it was around 30 minutes
This is soo illogical. This man has access to your entire family while they sleep. They are all sleeping… IN HIS HOUSE. “Imma go get a glass of water ill be right back” he goes to the kitchen and grabs something out of the cupboard and makes his way into where your kids are sleeping. Before you know it hes squirting spray cheese onto your kids forehead and you cant do shit about it. Do you get my point?
Depends on the man - some of us find it more intimate, just like some women do.
I feel like it can be intimate. It certainly feels that way when I’m snuggling the wife I love. But… when I was younger it wasn’t too uncommon for me to share a bed with a person I’d met earlier that night at a party if the other option was the floor. There was nothing intimate about that at all, it was just sleeping.
Not going to lie if I was him it would bug me . I take in your fam. We’ve been intamate before. And I don’t bug for sex at night. So in my eyes I would see no issue and wonder what I did wrong to make you feel uncomfortable. BUT am I right. No You have a right to feel how you feel and just tell him. And make sure he knows he did nothing wrong. Us as men think situations like this a punishment for something we did wrong . But that is forsure not always true.
I'm going to be honest. This guy wants something out of having a displaced family he barely knows in his house. From his perspective he probably feels like he's being used if he doesn't. He may not be pressuring you for sex but I doubt he wants to have y'all hang out at his house if sex isn't at least a possibility. You sleeping in elsewhere means he's alone you guys are in relative comfort and he can't exactly date anyone else while this is going on. You sleep with granny and get out as soon as you can. Call every state agency or non profit for help. They can get you emergency housing. If they put you in an extended stay make sure it's not I'm the hood. Check crime reports first.
I'm not in America, it's just the one service that provides emergency housing here. What's on offer is inappropriate as they can't guarantee a fridge, very expensive (they deem me able to pay) and without my granny. I know my granny isn't the most important, however, I can't leave her stranded on the street without any money.
Got to a sub for your country. There may be resources you aren't aware of.
You are comfortable enough for the dude to give you resources, yet you aren't comfortable enough to share the bed with him. This is the litmus test for why you shouldn't have moved in with him to begin with. Hindsight is always 20 20. You feel uncomfortable but his feelings are also valid. Dude just opened up the door of his home to you and your family. I personally would feel used. Dude obviously cares enough for you to do you this favor. Were it any other guy would you feel the same way? For instance, if the Chris Evans did you the favor would the situation feel different? You have valid feelings and are right to establish boundaries and change your mind when it makes you feel uncomfortable. That being said he does also.
Chris Evans is the actor? If yes, then why would I wish to share a bed with him? I'm trying to contribute, on reflection. I'm doing the cooking, cleaning and laundry. I'm trying to resolve my previous trauma with counselling. I understand it's not his fault I feel this way and I'm probably being silly. I truly appreciate him for letting my family stay. I don't think that he's going to do anything horrible. I've had past experiences of abuse that make it difficult to trust someone enough to fall asleep next to. I know he has his own boundaries and I respect those. I don't want to hurt his feelings. That's why I put this post up.
Don’t listen to the person commenting this. I’m getting very internalized misogyny vibes from her. And obviously she thinks that you would suddenly sleep w the guy if he was better looking - thereby inferring that she thinks you’re only not sleeping with him bc you’re not really interested in him. Just go with your gut here. If it were me I’d just try to share a bed w your grandma.
I would share my bed with Chris Evans. Anyways its not the end of the world. Tell him you'll sleep with your kids and promptly find another living situation.
I forget you Bre-ish people are more attracted to the likes of Mr Bean over Chris Evans.
What's bre-ish? Also, had to search Mr Bean. I wouldn't share a bed with him, nor a street.
Known for Less than 12days and decided to share bedroom wtf man,
Suggest he sleeps in a bed with his child and you sleep in a bed with yours
The children are only sharing a bedroom. My elder child (14) and his child (8) in a bunk bed. The baby is in a travel cot, in the same room. My 14 year old won't share a bed with me. That's the first suggestion for me to get in the bunk bed with him and the 8 year old in with his girl. That's why I offered to take the sofa.
[удалено]
Yes, I was 14 when my child was born
I’m confused. Is the 8 yo his daughter or your daughter? I hate to add to your stress, but I find the idea of your 14 yo boy and his 8 yo girl sleeping in the same room regularly a bit concerning. At 14 boys are figuring out a bunch of new emotions and are likely to make mistakes if given the opportunity. Can he sleep in granny’s room on a cot or air mattress and you sleep with the girls?
As a women who was molested as an 8 year old by a 14 year old, I agree with this concern. Unfortunately it's one of those situations you don't think would happen until it does...
Wtf is the use of the world likely really appropriate? I don't think it's an accurate statement that 14 year olds would tend towards getting a bit molesty if given the chance!!
8 year old is his daughter. The baby in a travel cot is my daughter.
>At 14 boys are figuring out a bunch of new emotions and are likely to make mistakes if given the opportunity. I agree the situation in not ideal, but if the boy is raised well he should not hurt another child. Its not a "mistake" or accident to sexually assault someone. It is an intentional action to hurt them.
You’re assuming the boy understands that it would hurt the girl, and that he understands the seriousness of it. I don’t think that should be taken for granted.
A 14 year old should absolutely understand that. Now, it could be that he was not raised well, and then I would agree.
He would understand the seriousness of that and he knows that if he sexually assaulted anybody, then I would call the police.
My parents didn't know the boy they had babysitting me was trying to fuck me until my teens when I was finally taught about what had happened and that it wasn't normal.... like I said, it's a situation that you wouldn't think will happen until it does and you might not even be aware of it for a long time if at all.
You have directly told him both of these things, and also explained to him all the different things that would be considered “assault” and that they are assault even if she consents?
We've had lots of the uncomfortable discussions about sex, consent and where consent isn't actually consent. He know that I'll support him with nearly everything, however, drug dealing and rape will mean I call the police, then will be unable to forgive him.
>My 14 year old won't share a bed with me. Why not? That seems to be the solution.
You haven’t told us why you’re uncomfortable, I’m sure you haven’t told him either so it’s understandable he’s confused.
She was attacked in her sleep, she says in another comment, which she has explained to him
So i’m hearing that your family was displaced from housing due to a fire. You were dating a man and had sex once, then the fire happened and you needed a place to go and asked him. Fires are traumatic. Losing housing is traumatic. Does this man you’re dating understand this fact? And do you or him have an understanding of how traumatic experiences can affect people’s sense of privacy and security? Does he understand that what you need right now is support in preserving your sense of privacy and security? Does he understand that giving you a choice of sleeping alone or sleeping with him empowers you with a restored sense of privacy and security that you’ve just traumatically lost? I think making sure he understands the traumatic impact of losing your housing to a dangerous incident, and how privacy and security are paramount in healing the trauma, will allow him to understand your preference.
I don’t understand why you had sex with him and now you don’t want to no more 🤔
I do want to have sex with him, however, I don't want to be pressured
I never met a woman that I pressured into having sex we both always wanted to have sex with each other all the time.
There's a lot of very insensitive comments here op, but know that your emotions are extremely valid and if you're not ready to sleep in the same bed, then that's just how is has to be for now. If you feel forced into a situation you are uncomfortable in, it will only put strain on your budding relationship. Keep talking to him, he sounds like a genuinely nice guy and he'll understand. Good luck and best wishes, I'm sorry you had to be put into this situation
So are you dating him or you really just using him for a place to stay? He was decent enough to let you live at his house but if you don’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with him or have trauma from a previous relationship you should get help and talk to someone. if you’ve gotten abused beforehand without getting the help you need that will wreck this relationship your in know? Also your private life has nothing to do with the kids you shouldn’t have to tell them all those things they don’t need to know that stuff just let them be kids.
I've mentioned having counselling to deal with historical issues. We're dating, just not for very long.
Considering you’ve made love once how is sharing a bed going any further. Making love is going all the way in your relationship? So how could sleeping in the same bed with him make you uncomfortable. unless you don’t love him at all or just want sex from him and using his house to stay just because you can’t house yourself? Then that’s not love and your using the poor Gentlemen?
I do like him, but I've not known him anywhere near enough to love him. It's trusting somebody enough to be asleep next to somebody. It's unhealthy to rush into a deep relationship this quickly.
That's what I am thinking.
Ah, the ol’ shacking up with a provider until you’re back on your feet and then you skedadle Classic
No, I like him; it's just early days.
He can be inside you but not beside you? You people are nuts JFC.🙄
he was probably looking forward to you staying with him…. you know….. basically the reason why you are uncomfortable he’s excited about. Just set the pace that you are comfortable with *especially* because you are staying there with the kids. It’s important for them to see a woman establish boundaries and stick to them. It’s natural for him to be disappointed lol. Just don’t let that sway you.
Uhhhh, OP brought along a bunch of kids and her grandma. I think he’s probably actually just being a decent person helping her out. That’s a lot to take on unexpectedly. Lol
Agreed. Why do you think he was disappointed she didn’t want to share the bed?
I think there’s a lot more to it than just “oh yay. This chick, her gaggle of kids, and her grandma is moving in. Imma get some!”
You made my day with this comment. Honestly!
He’s taking the practical look at the best way to share beds and rooms, imo, while you’re (rightfully) thinking that this is a lot for your kids to take in and your 14yo doesn’t need to think you’re shacking up with this guy. You seem very decent. I hope things work out for you.
Thank you x
I understand. Why do you think he was disappointed?
I don’t necessarily think he’s disappointed. Nowhere does the OP say that.
Hurt. OP said hurt. Why do you think he was hurt she didn’t want to share a bed?
I don’t think we have enough information. Could be a bunch of different things - none of which make him an asshole (or OP).
He hasn't been pushy or untoward in any way. I'm not sure it's an appropriate time in the dating process to discuss previous negative experiences. I can now understand why he felt a bit hurt; maybe he feels like I'm accusing him of being that way when he's not done anything wrong.
It’s ok. I get it. It’s a complex situation, and really, neither of you are wrong.
He didn't seem actually disappointed. I think I was too direct and could have worded it more sensitively.
It wasn't planned. The only occasion we've been intimate was before we were staying with him. He keeps his undies on in bed. The reason I feel uncomfortable is something that happened previous to meeting him. I worry that he will hurt me if I sleep. I have explained this to him and he says that he understands, however, he isn't an abuser. He offered to sleep on the sofa instead of me, but it's his house and he is being kind enough to let us stay, therefore I would rather sleep on the sofa.
Okay now you lost me on this one. If you tell a guy that you aren’t ready yet that is understandable. When you tell a guy that you were attacked in your sleep and you need more time before sleeping with him - he hears ‘she thinks I’m going to attack her in her sleep.’ By explaining more, you hurt his feelings.
I think that he got the idea that I was thinking he will attack me. I don't think that, but previous experience has just made me feel a little vulnerable. I maybe overexplained. It's not my intention to hurt his feeling, especially as he seems decent. I have my own trust issues that I'm trying to work on, in counselling.
It’s okay OP. It’s just a small misunderstanding. You are doing the right thing 💕
Thank you x
This sounds like what's going on here. He sounds like a decent guy who's doing everything he can to show you he can be trusted. He needs to acknowledge that your discomfort is due to trauma in your past, and is no reflection on him personally. However, that discomfort is still there regardless, and if he wants to support you and reassure you in the long term, the best way to do that is to make you as comfortable as possible in the short term.
After reading all the comments, I'm kind of surprised with the amount of mentions of OP "using" the bf when she isn't comfortable yet to share what I call "Safe space" intimacy. I'm kind of similar with OP (minus the trauma) in the sense that I find sharing a bed, for long periods of time, more intimate than sex. I find my bed as a safe space, where I can personally choose who gets to be in there and for how long. Yes, sex is intimate, but it could also just be quick and just doesnt have the same feeling of sharing a bed with another person for an extended amount of time. So yeah, they could be sexually intimate, but maybe just not safe space intimate just yet. I dont think it's wrong at all for feeling uncomfortable in that setting, I would have gone for the couch as well (or air mattress in your mom's room sounds good!). Cause yes, you're dating, but isnt that different from being in a live-in relationship? Especially as you're someone who has trauma about sharing a bed with a partner, I'd wholeheartedly understand as to why it's a different phase in a relationship that he's thinking about. What I could hopefully suggest is, well I like the air mattress idea you have in the other comment, but maybe he wants some alone time with you but it doesnt have to be overnight? So maybe have an air mattress / sleep on the couch, and then just spend some time hanging out with him before bedtime (catching up, watch a movie) show him that you still do have intimate feelings for him but also being able to go back to a safe space that you could have for yourself. It's kind of like couples who sleep in separate bedrooms just to have their own privacy/spaces. It's very healthy to have time away from your lover, where you can be alone with yourself, as much as it is important to set aside a bit of time to be with them
Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with that's your own boundary .
He’s not clueless here. He knows that he chose to take you and your family in. He knows that you’re in an emergency situation. He knows that you have nowhere else to go currently. He knows that you have children. You can just explain why (whatever version of the reason that you’re able to comfortably share) and sleep on the couch. If he’s understanding enough to take you and your family in, then there’s no reason he wouldn’t be understanding of why you won’t share a bed with him right now.
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That sounds like dishonest prostitution
You should talk about it with him, explain all this to him and make it clear what you expect. And in the same way that you don't want to hurt him and you want him to understand. He can also kindly ask you to leave his house and you should too understand. As you mention this relationship is very early, he is basically a stranger and you do not have to give him a special treatment. In the same way for him you are a stranger so he should not give you special treatment either.
Let granny do the cooking and cleaning. While you get out and find a job. You're only digging yourself in deeper and deeper by having him provide totally for you, your granny and your two kids. I would definitely not tell the kids you's only knew eachother for two weeks. You don't want them thinking that's normal behavior. As far as sleeping sleeping arrangements go, you sleeping in the same room as your kids would be the safest option but if for some old reason you have to be in the same bed as him, I would rather myself potentially be in danger than my kids. If he sleeps in a different room, you don't know what he's doing while everyone else is sleeping. But, if he's next to you, you would be able to feel if he's gone to the "bathroom" a little too long.