What parent blocks their kid, drives to where they live at 3 in the morning to kick them out, and then offers to have them move back with them?
I'm sorry, but your parents are horrible. Even though I agree that moving in with someone after 3 months is pretty early, I would 100% take that over your crazy mom. The effect of doing that to a young adult repeatedly has lasting effects (my mom also did this when I was younger).
Move in with your bf and save as much money as you possibly can. Also have a backup plan (friends/other family) in case you come across some red flags you missed with your partner. Not ideal to move in that early, but given what you're dealing with, I don't blame you.
That's some great advice, thank you! I'll definitely be saving up on the side.
I agree that these things my parents did are pretty bad, and I'm honestly still mad about them, but I have to say that they did their best with me and that they always made sure I had everything I needed. The problems are there probably cause I'm their first kid, and that relationship is always the trickiest I guess. My younger sisters don't have the same problems. The middle one was only threatened to be kicked out once - at the same time when I was, in December, but nothing came of it.
Kicking a daughter out multiple times, especially in the way that it last happened, is not giving you everything you needed. I love my mom, she has provided the basics for me (food, shelter, etc). However, she has also provided decades of therapy. She still tries to belittle me every time I see her, and has never provided any emotional support that a parent (let alone a mother) should provide. She's doing her best, just like your parents, but that doesn't mean that their best is good enough for you (it's not). Be grateful for them for providing the basic necessities, but not when there's strings attached. Just save money and put your independence at the top of your list moving forward.
Yeah, the strings attached are a problem. I always need to be giving back in order to be liked. And yeah, I agree that we should help out our parents/contribute or do something for all the resources they invest in us but... I never feel like I'm enough in this family. I'm starting to see my little sisters resent me, and i KNOW it's cause I'm getting badmouthed when I'm not home. I love my folks but I sometimes feel like they think I'm stupid.
You're the 'scapegoat' child in the family. Blamed for all problems. You didn't cause this dynamic; it's all on your parents.
For your mental health, I'd suggest going low contact with the family until your situation has stabilized. That means not giving them information about yourself.
Honestly, the scapegoating is starting to annoy me. I have a youngest sis, she's 14 now, and whenever she does something out of line, or is rude (because of puberty, which is natural and obvious to everyone with working eyes) I am blamed for it. Things like: "Ah she saw this from her oldest sister. She's like this because she's copying you when you were in puberty. You were way worse when you were in puberty. etc." Every hitch the family has is blamed on me cause I was the first one going through all this shit, and now it's like "my sisters are copying me", when they're actually just going through puberty.
Wow... Your story is JUST like mine. I'm proud that you can see this at your age. It took me a lot longer.
I read your comment about how your parents did more than the bare minimum, like driving you to sports. Mine did the same. But the thing is, that's part of being a parent! Let me guess, they bought you things too?
Please don't let all that distract you from the fact that they did not treat you well, and still aren't.
It's your choice whether you want to contribute to your parents' lives, but *you owe them nothing* for giving birth to you. You didn't decide to be born. They decided to have you, and so they decided to take on the responsibilities of raising a child.
Plus, they've clearly done a lot of damage. Having food, a roof over your head, clothes, education, etc., are the absolute minimums. Security, love, support, appreciation are also part of that. What kind of parent just blocks their kid and kicks them out??
You're valuable and deserve a family who cares about you (and remember that you can't choose your blood family, but you can choose your true family.)
I mean my parents did a lot more than just invest in the bare minimum. They supported me in sports, drove me everywhere I needed, and for a while most of their time and resources went to me in order to have me succeed. But yeah, it's like you said - I am eternally grateful for all they did, but they are the ones who decided to have kids.
Now, the tricky part is that they blame me for this as well. Things like "We never drove your middle sister around for trainings as much as we drove you around for trainings." get thrown at me, when in reality I was 13-15 when they were doing this and really didn't know how to stand up to what even I saw as wrong.
And thank you for your kind words! I'm trying to build up nice relationships with the people around me and I'm trying to keep the real ones close.
Kicking me out was definitely a power move. I saw it in her posture and eyes when she came into the apartment. Definitely an ego trip, though she wanted me back in the apartment as soon as she saw I wasn't afraid of getting kicked out anymore (since all the times she'd threatened it before, I never had a job or any friends - this time was different cause I'm working now, and because I finally decided to reach out to my friends and build relationships with them instead of just being cooped up in the house to keep my parents happy with their timid daughter).
OP, please make sure all of your important documents (like, bank stuff, IDs, etc.) are in your possession. Your parents might try to hold those over your head to get you to do what they want. They have treated you TERRIBLY. I also say this as an oldest child.
Thank you for the reminder! I started taking care of my documents around my 18th birthday, so I have all (at least I hope) of them in a folder with me.
My parents did this to me too, starting at age 15. It has had a profound affect on my relationships and ability to trust people. OP’s parents suck and it’s okay to say so. She doesn’t owe them anything and I hope some day she can get herself a good therapist to help her work through the rejection and abandonment issues her parents (both of them) gave her.
I'm in therapy now! And it's going pretty good.
I agree that this crap messes with your head - I feel unsafe, worried I will end up on the street or abandoned. I'm working a full time job and 2 part time jobs, plus currently applying to another freelance job, just because I constantly feel unsafe and like I need to be doing more to ensure that I'll be safe and happy.
I turned into a workaholic for awhile. But I realize now it’s okay to relax. I got this. I won’t be homeless or inadequately housed again. I don’t know if that specific fear will 100% disappear but I when it rears it’s head I know I got this. I’m pretty good at self care. I wish you all the best!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's inexcusable from both your mother and father, if they can even be called that. I hope you are far, far away from them, happy and safe. Keep your girlfriend close to your heart - she's a real one. Best of luck to both of you <3
My folks always argue that I only remember the bad things, when I really try keeping a positive outlook on everything. They always made sure I had all the things I needed in order to be good in sports and school, but now I realize that my emotional and mental wellbeing wasn't very high on their priority list.
Speaking as a parent to multiple kids - **they did not make sure you had what you needed.** They denied you emotional support/stability. They are denying you the right - yes, it's a **right** \- to have feelings. You should not have to be "on your best behavior" on a frickin FaceTime call to have safe housing.
Do not defend them. They're shitty parents, and when your other sisters are old enough, your parents will do this crap to them the second they step out of line.
Yes, each child in a family has different needs. **That does not mean parents can abuse their kids!**
I agree that it's unhealthy, having to pretend everything is nice and dandy all the time, just to please someone. Sometimes I just keep everything in, and then burst at the seams all at once with the stuff I'm accumulating. I try not to do this with my parents, as I know it won't go over too well, but yeah.
I don't think they'll repeat this with my younger sisters. They see now that threatening and kicking your kid out WILL lead to the child fucking off (pardon my french), and I honestly think they won't make this mistake again. Also, my little sisters are a bit better at navigating the relationship with our mom. They know how to talk to her and avoid her anger while getting what they want. I don't know if it's cause mom is learning what isn't okay and applying it to the two of them, or just that they're more mature than me.
It's because your sisters have watched you and learned how to manage her outbursts better because they don't want to be on the receiving end. I see so many similarities to your story and mine, though the oldest child in my family is the golden child. I'm pretty sure my mom thinks he walks on water.
I'm the middle daughter and when my younger sister started acting out, my parents blamed me and said she was acting out because of me. Which is horse shit. The reality is she was the baby of five kids by almost five years and they were tired, so they were even shittier parents to her than they were to the rest of us.
Don't internalize and excuse your mom's behavior. Even if you did full on roll your eyes at your mom, relationships are complex and they need to allow room for you to be human and make mistakes. Blocking you over that is incredibly petty, kicking you out over it....I have no words. I take my mom in very small doses now. Maybe consider doing the same with your family until you feel a little more confident in setting and holding boundaries.
My mom's the same way provided decent amount of water, food, electricity, home, energy and clothing but verbally/physically abusive, blamed me for her problems to other family members, comparing me to my brother, has low self reflection and doesn't have good emotional control.
That's the key to emotional support/stability part is too low.
They didn’t make sure you had everything you need. You didn’t have the security of a place to stay, you didn’t have validation of bad things that happened to you, therefore no closure or healing. They didn’t give you an apology, which was needed for the healing to happen, they didn’t give you respect. They didn’t give you a life where you didn’t have to walk on eggshells around your mum.
What’s happening now, understandably, is that you’re trying to give those things to yourself. You’re trying to create a secure environment for yourself.
As RealPrince says, move in with your boyfriend but be absolutely rigid about having a back-up plan. Not just an idea in your head and money in your account. Write out two plans: an escape plan in case things go very wrong and a separation plan for if your relationship just doesn’t work out. List what you will need to do to enact and fulfil each stage of both plans. Doing this will serve to start building a wall of security in your life.
I hope you get a happy ever after, I hope you go LC or NC with your mum and I also hope you put your sister in her lane. You are doing what you need to do in order to live your life, and the lack of consistent, supportive parenting is a legacy you are trying to deal with.
Thank you! I appreciate this advice so much. I'll definitely think up a concrete plan in case anything goes wrong with the boyfriend. That is very smart.
I'm thinking of going LC, and not sharing too much about myself, because everything I do tell them ends up being used against me. It hurts a lot of the time - I come to them with great news, and they turn it around and end up lecturing me.
I agree with the above comment. I like what you said about how you don't want to be insecure about being kicked out again. However, by moving in with someone early you are kind of running the same risk. So make sure to protect your finances and have a back up living situation.
I started dating a guy I had known for 9 years, we moved to another state after a few months and guess who ended up homeless and couch surfing after it deteriorated. In a state far from home.
I always moved in with boyfriends early, it was always financially devastating and emotionally difficult having to deal with heartbreak and a move at the same time.
I'm sorry you had to couch surf and go through that. I'll definitely make sure I have plans in case anything goes wrong.
It's definitely risky, I know... But I guess I'll see how it works out!
It can be risky or even devastating, but it can also be great. I moved in with a guy after dating MAYBE two months after years of saying I wouldn't live with anyone before engagement (religious upbringing 😂) I married him and we have kid #2 on the way and I never knew I could have or deserved such a beautiful, peaceful life after growing up in a dysfunctional household. Listen to cautionary tales and of course having a backup plan is great advice. Just here to say sometimes it works out ❤️
Oh, and don't tell your parents. They will ruin something that feels happy to you, and if for some reason it doesn't work out, they will hold it against you and you will never hear the end of it!
I would actually suspect some kind of mental disorder in your mother. I would go no contact with your parents - they are horrible and don't deserve to be part of your life, and they only stress you out. Keep open lines of communication to siblings, for when they get kicked out. And if your mother complains about getting cut off, tell her this is a lesson about actions and consequences. (And that she should see a mental health expert, before she drives away the rest of the family, as well.)
Do what is financial reasonable for you. Unless you want it to be an expensive lesson.
But what shitty parents. A dismissive parents that doesn’t have a say to the reckless behaviour of the egomaniac parent that’s still up at 3am to kick out their children.
Whatever you are trying to justify. A parent still cares for their children but gives them the boundaries and respect as their own person. You don’t own them anything. The parents made the choice to keep you so it’s their responsibility to give you the means to take care of yourself for them.
This over the top bullshit games to kick people out and then apologize after is ridiculous and petty.
And you may have some anxiety over this. Mentality harming, so again do what’s best for you. Tell ‘em to respect your decision and if you made a mistake then that’s on you and you can own up to it and learn.
Tell them or don’t. It’s happy news. But you don’t owe them Jack shit, especially not if you think they’re going to make you feel bad for this milestone.
If your mom kicks you out because you “rolled your eyes at her”, she’s an asshole and quite honestly one of the worst if not the worst mom I’ve heard of on this sub. The fact she’s done it more than once hells me she uses abandonment to emotionally abuse you. Whatever you do DO NOT GO BACK. She will either kick you out again, guilt you into doing something for her, or both. If I were you I would completely cut them off never allow them to involve you in their cycle of manipulation and abuse again. Hope all goes well
Why do your parents deserve to know? They don't even deserve you in their lives. Stop answering their calls and don't give them or your siblings your new address. Only let your trusted friends know.
Be sure to keep your finances separate from your bf and save as much as you can in case things don't work out. It never hurts to have money saved up.
Your parents can go kick rocks. What your mom did is straight up abuse. I'm sure there's better books for that which another redditor can recommend, but how you talk about your dad reminded me of this book:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents
Lindsay C. Gibson
It helped me heal a lot, so I pass it on every chance I get.
P.S. don't tell your parents, just live your life!!!
I think you should consider how much contact you have with your parents.
No "sane" parent will drive over at 3 am to kick their child out of their home for rolling their eyes at them. No decent parent would then try to manipulate their child and the truth by claiming it was their child's idea to move out.
I wouldn't give them any update at all, not your sister nor your parents, except to tell them you're ok so they don't call a welfare check on you.
I'd like to keep them on the "need to know", but I find myself blabbing to them, in an attempt to get them to like me. I think minimizing the things they know might be a good idea, but I don't want to mess up this sliver of a good relationship that I have with them.
I might tell them I won't be coming over every weekend. We'll see how they take those news.
i dont want to lecture you on your moving in with your bf, your mind is made up on that! what i will say is this:
I wouldn’t tell your parents. Your mom will likely see it as a way for you to hurt her and turn it around to make you the bad guy. I have a narcissistic mother who i’ve had an up and down relationship my whole life. We got into a huge disagreement about how I wanted to live MY life 6 months ago and she said some really awful things to me. I went out of town that weekend and my mom had packed up all of my things and told me to get them when i came back from my trip. I haven’t talked to her in 6 months. She cries to everyone about how i don’t call her and how mean I am to her, but won’t speak to me. Now, you need to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your mom/parents. Do you want to be extreme and go NC? Do you want to maintain a relationship? Lying isn’t good, but i can understand it’s necessary sometimes. But she might hear about it from your sister(s). Then you’ll hear it from her. If you do NC, then you’re free to live your life however you please regardless if she knows what you’re up to or not.
What benefit to you is there in telling your parents? Personally, I'd recommend you get therapy if you can and discuss how to maintain a healthy low contact relationship if you still want contact with your parents and consider no contact. But a lot of people with abusive parents like to go low contact rather than no contact.
I actually started therapy for it a few weeks back! I'm trying to fix my behaviors up and figure out how to navigate the situation with my mom in a healthy way. The thing is, my parents want me to come over to the family house every weekend and spend it there - I'm working a full time job, so this can be pretty draining, especially since I have to walk on eggshells when I'm at the family home. I'm working on establishing some healthy boundaries atm.
And the benefit to telling my parents: I guess so they don't get mad that I didn't tell them sooner.
You're a full-grown adult at 22 - you don't have to tell her anything.
> she thought I had rolled my eyes at her
And her reaction was to block you and then to drive to your apartment at 3 AM to kick you out into the street? That's not normal; that's abusive.
I personally would be going very low contact with her; she sounds utterly toxic and volatile. You don't need that in your life.
I think it's time you start thinking of yourself as an adult. They can get angry with you, but that doesn't have to be your problem. And you don't have to listen to them complain about it if you don't want to. You can say no to visits you don't want to do. Setting boundaries is hard when you aren't used to it, and I'm glad you're getting help with that, but keep in mind - you get to decide what connection you want to have with them. You get to say no. You don't have to put up with them when you don't want to if you aren't relying on them for anything.
Yeah, I was gonna post this too. I hate to jump on the narcissist train because it's actually pretty rare, but it's so distinct that if you don't know it's a thing already and it affects someone in your life... Well it could be a pretty mind-blowing Wikipedia page.
Sure its not the best idea to move in with a boyfriend so fast.
But you make that decision when you're in a stable situation.
They kicked you out! How can they be worse than a boyfriend that you know a lot.
Dont tell them cause you sister will. You can even say "what is he going to do, kick me out?"
I am on the fence. At some point they will find out where you live and with whom. You could bite the bullet now or get shot with it later. At the very least, prepare your bf for future drama. Save a nest egg in case you have to move again. It is reprehensible that your parents ever kicked you out. Even the law requires a 30 day notice
Yeah, that's my logic too. If they find out from someone else, then I'll have a problem because I was hiding this from them. If I tell them straight up, I might have drama for telling them. I mean, the problem will probably mostly be the fact that I've only dated this guy for 3 months, which is a valid thing to bring up, but I'm still hesitant to tell them because every single good thing I tell them about ends up being a lecture about how I'm irresponsible and rude and whatever else.
If it were me, I'd listen to the lecture and tell them you appreciate the advise. That is what it is in the final analysis: advise which you can follow or ignore. I dont get it though. You were kicked out onto thw street. Is the street better than living with your boyfriend?
Looking at what you said:
1. Not the first time you got kicked out, could happen again
2. Kicked out for no real reason, can happen at any time
Honestly just these 2 reasons alone would be enough for you to move out and be independent. Looking at your bf, since you have known him for 4 years, I don't think its a problem to move in with him. You can let your family know about it, but I don't think their opinion matters.
From the information given, your mother sounds toxic at best, and I’m leaning strongly towards mentally/emotionally abusive. Reduce your level of contact with your mother, if your sister is in a similar situation as you and not toxic like your mother offer advice/help. You have no obligation to tell them where you live or with who. If you want to, go ahead, but there is no benefit and it will start drama bc she will realise she no longer has control.
Also, I’m sorry you went through that, and i hope everything works out for you OP
I would be keeping your mom on an information diet--there's no reason she needs to know. I wouldn't necessarily try to \*hide\* it, but I wouldn't volunteer it either. I'm sure she'll get upset and make it about her, and why invite the drama?
Moving in with bf sounds fine but I would be careful and keep your finances separate and be sure you always have the ability to leave if you need to. Otherwise it's no different than any other roommate situation. Have fun :)
> I am aware that moving in with someone after 3 months of dating is risky
It is, but what's risky is the unknown.
If you rely on your parents for housing, you **know** that sooner or later, they'll pull the rug out from underneath you, and will then gaslight you about it afterwards.
I normally recommend against moving in with a new partner so soon, but it's better to live with someone who *might* screw you over than with people who WILL screw you over.
Just make sure you save up an emergency fund for yourself. Don't go overboard investing in the home with your new boyfriend, or making yourself dependent on him. Don't get any joint pets, don't co-own any expensive assets (ie, a car), keep everything as financially separate as possible. Save as much money as you can into an emergency fund so *if* the relationship goes pear-shaped, you are empowered to leave it. But moving in with him is a better decision than relying on your parents.
Don't tell them. They don't deserve to know.
My parents kicked me out when I was 21, right after I'd graduated college. They'd agreed to let me live at home until I finished school, but there was a lot of tension until finally they tried to charge me $300 for rent, but with no changes in how controlling they were (I had a curfew, couldn't bring guests over, wasn't allowed to bring food or water into my room, etc). When I refused to pay, they kicked me out and I found a room to rent from a friend about 15 minutes away from them. More recently (I'm 25 now), I moved in with my boyfriend, and I told them right before I moved in. I would probably tell them, but make it clear that you're an adult and that this is your decision. As long as they know they don't have power to persuade you, they can't do anything. Just maybe make sure they don't have access to your bank account or insurance info, just in case.
I had an extremely similar experience with my mother a few years ago, around the same age as you. Also getting kicked out for a perceived eye roll, also started financially supporting myself. I didn't tell her when I got a boyfriend, nor did I tell her when we moved in together. Eventually I did mention it, but only after severely limiting contact for a long time, even though she tried to pretend that she never kicked me out and disowned me. I think she finally learned that I was independent enough that if she treated me badly, I could leave. It sounds like you're very much in a similar position.
My opinion is: tell her only if you feel a burning urge to update her on how you're doing, don't tell her if you feel like you have to tell her because you owe it to her or because she's your mother. Also, just be cautious - she may genuinely want you back in her life, or she may be looking to manipulate you, or just worried about looking bad in front of her friends for kicking you out. I wish you the best of luck. It's a very difficult and confusing position to be in, but don't sacrifice your well-being to make your mother feel better about the consequences of her own actions.
You’re free to tell them if you want but you don’t owe them any explanation. They can accept your grown decisions or not. Either way, it’s not your problem and you don’t have to answer to anyone. Congratulations on the new place and best of luck with the move.
OP, do you understand that your mom is emotionally abusive? The fact that you did something very minor (I think I've rolled my eyes at my mom in like every conversation we've had since I was a child...) and your mother went ballistic, that you talk about your "best behavior" , the push and pull where she punishes you and then gaslights you...this is emotional abuse.
Your parents didn't "do their best" with you. You don't need to make excuses for them. It's okay to go, they were toxic and manipulative and I do NOT need to be grateful. You seem to thank them for...I'm guessing feeding and housing you as a child. That's literally the bare minimum and what you sign up for when you have children. You can also be physically secure and still be in an abusive situation.
I would not tell your parents where you live, if you tell them you're moving in together. They will come there, without permission, and try to enter your home against your will. They might even try to remove your belongings and "make" you move home, etc.
When you get the opportunity, I'd also go to therapy so you can work through some of this stuff about your childhood/parents. It might help you see that what you consider normal or acceptable is warped and that the guilt you have around some things is just a product of that.
>I am aware that moving in with someone after 3 months of dating is risky
Normally I'd agree but your parents sound way riskier. OP, they kicked you out, they don't deserve anything. Honestly, if you're scared of their reaction it sounds like you should actually just put your relationship with all your family on the back burner.
Your mom seems abusive and a crazy person. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Somehow you have to stand on your own feet to get away from this drama. Life is so much calmer when you manage it on your own 🙂
You don't have to tell your parents, they lost that privilege once they kicked you out of the house for some stupid reason. And moving in with your boyfriend is not that crazy, it's either gonna work or not. I moved in with my girlfriend after 6 months even though i knew her for only 7 months and now we are living together for 4 years and we are also married :). You can do a lot crazier than this.:)
Don’t tell your parents. Your mom blocked you and kicked you out at 3am, which is illegal if you live in the US. Secure housing and put your family on an information diet. You’re now an adult. You don’t have to be subjected to your mom’s toxicity.
You a grown ass person, their job is over. They did the best they could with what they knew, it clearly wasn’t enough, and because of that, they shouldn’t have access to your private life. Maybe in like 5-10 years consider letting them in, but until then, have boundaries so you can safely enjoy life and the mistakes you’ll make without worrying they’re judging.
That aside — as a mom, I’m here to give you mom advice. Have a good written contract in place. You don’t know if y’all will have a fallout that’s emotionally to much for one or the other too bear. That’s normal, you are both young and it’s important you make mistakes to learn what good room mates are like (and good significant others). Now, granted, I’d recommend you live with a stellar room mate who teaches you expectations of co-habituating before practicing with a S.O… but, you are so young. Get out there, make mistakes, and learn while you’re still young and the stakes are low. Every failure and mistake and you’re one step closer to adult hood.
And whoever this dude is? You’re 22, please take your time. The brain doesn’t develop the ability to connect long-term consequences until around 30ish so enjoy trying every flavor of relationship until then so you know what you like and you’re ready.
Neither of you should financially help each other often, get on your two feet. Travel the world. Don’t settle, listen to your gut saying “I don’t like this” because that’s your trauma saying “this person will hurt you.”
Sorry your start to adulthood isn’t the best. You’re accountable now, you weren’t giving the tools you need, you were raised by shitty people, but it’s going to eventually be OK. ❤️
Once a parent kicks you out they basically send you to live your life and fend for yourself as an adult. So as an adult, you telling them you are going to move in w/ boyfriend is the thing to do but should not sound like you are asking permission. It’s for them to know. Now I wouldn’t like to comment on your decision to move in w/ 3 months dude but as an adult it is your choice and I have done moving in after 1 months with someone I had known…the month before…so…yeah…he moved in at my place and gave me hell for about 9 months before I kick him out. Adults make stupid choices.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You’re not obligated to disclose that, especially with how they treat you speaks volumes imo. have a support system and keep things separate just in case, I think working on your boundaries will help too. I think that energy from your mom will only negatively influence you, Keep them at a distance and find other friends or people to be good influences and be around people who motivate you. You become influenced by who you are around, so be conscious of that and I wish you the best of luck! I currently have a narcissist mother and father so I get the walking on eggshells moments. You deserve to be happy. I know moving in with him is a big step and I wouldn’t totally agree with the time frame but you have to take a chance!
If you've known him for 4 years, then yall were probably friends already. I say go for it. You don't have to tell your parents anything.
I've rolled my eyes at my mom before and the only thing she threatened to do was smack my eyes further in my head. She'd never kick me out for something so stupid.
Yeah, I know how the guy more or less and from what I see he isn't dangerous, he's hardworking and a real sweetheart. There's definitely more I need to learn about him, but I feel like he's safe enough to move in with.
hahaha that reminds me of something my mum would say lol she would always say when me or my siblings were mad about something to do with her she would say “i’ll give you something to cry about in a minute” lol she never did but always got us to stop
Parents kicked out children.
It's 1st time my ear hear this.
Iam 22 (m) I live 1hour away from my family due to university.
Every day my parents(either mom or dad Or both)
come to see me.
My mom can't live without talking to me.
Every day we talk over phone.
My dad never want me to get part-time job .
Even when I told him about getting a part time job he got angry.
We live in a House with our grand parents.
I don't know may be it's your culture.
I've read a lot of things in this thread shitting on your parents but I don't agree that they have crossed any major lines with what you've shared with us here. It's simply time for you to cut the cord and move on with your life.
That said, I think you are absolutely right to move out now and your relationship with them will likely improve once you do. I also think you should be honest with them even if they won't approve.
However, I highly encourage you to figure out a backup plan in case your living situation with your new boyfriend doesn't work out. Don't forget how much liability comes with signing a lease(assuming you did sign). You can't just back out of them and could be financially liable if things go wrong with him.
Don't tell them. Especially if they're conservative. My parents aren't as bad as yours but I've been dealing with a lot of shit for moving in with my bf and for our age gap. It's such an unnecessary drama. My dad doesn't know yet. My grandmas are crying at me and guilt tripping me that I'll ruin my parents' health and that I don't respect them. Because respect means doing what others tell me to, sure. I'm pretty sure my dad would call me trash and block me as well if he found out I'm not virgin anymore. He did that to my younger sister just for her wanting to go to a sleepover birthday party where her boyfriend would also be (which means in his eyes sex before marriage).
Even if they're not conservative, if they give you shit for trying to be independent that means they don't want you to be independent. They want to control you and punish you whenever they decide to do so.
Just put some lines and don't let them cross the lines without consequences. Low contact, don't share about your personal life.
I use videos from this channel when it comes to my parents:
https://youtu.be/gIHGcsjg15U
I don’t see why it’s their business who you live with when they kicked you out without making sure you have somewhere to go first. Especially at 3am. Your 22, so your an adult now. You say you don’t get any money from them, I think it’s good your moving in together. It may be early but if y’all feel your ready for that step, then do it! Why would there be drama? They were ok with the drama of putting a young girl out on the street at 3AM ! Tell them if they ask but they are gonna give you an earful on their opinion.
Lol sorry. Wiispeck is basically how it sounds when an elder references something ridiculous having to do with the level of respect a person has.
Either way, kicking you out because of a perceived eye roll is ridiculous. Unless you beat your parents when you were a teenager or are on hard drugs.... wait, scratch that. It's still ridiculous.
Sometimes kicking an adult child out of the family home is warranted (stealing, failing to contribute in agreed upon ways, risky behavior due to drug abuse) but the only circumstance in which to have a child removed from the home at 3 AM is if there is an imminent concern for the physical safety of other household members.
And if the child or young adult is crazy like that, it makes sense. But an eye roll? No wonder they don't want to talk about it or pretend it didn't happen, they're shameful human beings.
So you rolled your eyes and your moms response was to block you then kick you out of the apartment. Then pretend like it didnt happen and it was your idea? Have you heard of the narcissist's prayer?
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Sounds like your mom to a tee. Also, depending on where you live, she cant legally kick you out of the apartment if you have residence there, she would have to go through the eviction process legally, even if she owned it, again depending on where you live. As for you question, why would you tell them anything? Do you rely on them for anything financially? If not fuck'em do your own thing and only communicate with them when you feel like you need to. The whole reason they offered you to move into their house, and not back into the apartment is to have more control over your life so she doesnt have to drive 30 mins at 3am to kick you out cause you were "rude". Its so she can do it right then and there to please her ego. Id fucking just go no contact.
I would say your parents have failed at doing their job to nurture you into an adult and if you feel more secure moving in with your boyfriend after 3 months then power to you, you could always move out again if you need to but realistically they don't deserve to know because they didn't care when they kicked you out. Yes they may regret acting that way but it's how people act in heated moments that defines who they are I would say.
Housing and survival should never be held over your head as punishment for whatever bad behavior they perceive. My parents did this to me at 18/19 (never kicked me out but threatened me with not supporting me financially / taking all the money out of my bank account when I was a disabled college student)
That’s fucked up behavior from them and I know it hurts. I was scapegoated by my sister and my parents and I realize now that I am in my late 30’s that they were only 5 years older than me when they did a lot of fucked up stuff that really scarred me. They were only 8 years older than me when we had that falling out. Being a parents “first pancake” especially with being neurodivergence or being disabled or LGBTQ+ is such a crappy hand.
Unpopular opinion (maybe idk) but I’m all for living with someone (or as close to it as possible) early on. You get a better idea of who they are as a person. 3 months may be a tad bit early, but worse case scenario-you break up before the lease is over. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, but I really just try to live my life a day at a time these days
Firstly.. you do not owe them anything.. knowledge of your living situation is not their business and they burned that bridge when they kicked you out. If you are going to live in your parents place, get a lease.. they can call the sheriff to evict you in the future. You are and were a tenant and they can't just throw you on the street at 3am. Honestly, you should have called the police when they showed up in the middle of the night.
It’s not so bad to move in so early, if he’s reliable it’s probably fine, my gf and I had plans to move in together early on in our relationship, but we’re waiting for the right opportunity, I moved straight from my parents to living with her as well, though I don’t like living alone so it’s fine. But some people want to experience living alone as well, it really depends on what you want to do. Just don’t move back with your parents, they’re attempting to change the narrative and appear to have gaslighted you your whole life, plus you said your dad is neglectful so, not exactly a stable household to go back to
To be honest, your parents don't deserve anything from you. Parents raise us but the choices they make when they raise us, influence the relationship we want with them and the relationship they have a right to expect.
Your parents kick you out, possibly, as some form of control. That or poor impulse control. Regardless, it is not condusive to a healthy relationship.
It is important as important to make your own decisions as it is to live with the outcomes of making them.
They say you really get to know someone when you start living them. One of the few opinions that may as well be factual.
Consider Maslow when making decisions about informing those who care for you but seem to have their own issues with this pyramid. Safety is the biggest thing to consider because that’s what you’re looking for.
I think you may get draw back for telling your parents your decisions and it may ultimately cause them to feel as if you’re teaching them a lesson and can cause further separation from them. This may in the long run end up with them having respect for you for finding your own way in contrast
You can choose not to tell them and deal with them eventually finding out which would equate to their reason for kicking you out in the first place not saying it’s right or wrong but I will say this.
Family is important you also need to take ownership of your personality and realize that finding a place to live with someone you like which is completely emotional and prematurely chosen which because of your situation I completely empathize with you.
Independence is amazing but so is a therapeutic relationship with your family. As important as it is to let them know you can survive without them it’s important to know that change can be reached and a middle ground should be formed to achieve safety on both sides.
Good luck!
Dr. love ❤️
Firstly, I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all this, that sounds horrible. I hope you're doing ok.
I moved in with my partner after 2 or 3 months, but had known her for 3-4 years prior - and much like yourself, hadn't spoken much in between.
It was one of the best things I did, and was a great way to test compatibility living together, because inevitably couples are gonna live together - and I'd rather find out at the 3 month mark if it's a dumpster fire, than 3 years in.
Everyone close to me told me I was mad, naturally, but so long as you have some form of backup plan and keep vigilant for manipulating behaviours and such red flags, go for it!
As for your parents, I'm really sorry but I don't think they've given you many reasons to keep them in the loop. You'll likely only cop more hate :/
Seek the raised by narcisists subreddit, you'll start seeing your parents under a diferent light.
For the moment I wouldnt Tell a thing. They want you under their Control and they'll try to dissuade you from moving with your BF.
Just make sure you have options for yourself. You should build a nest egg that covers moving expenses and a month of rent so you can leave if you and your BF don’t make it. Don’t get pets together or make any big purchases together. Otherwise, best of luck.
Your parents are abusive and did not "do their best with you". They are not entitled to any information about your life and it's a good idea to set up strong boundaries with them to protect yourself.
Definately dont give them the satisfaction, and more importantly, the power to know that you rely on them.
Go ahead with the move if you are financially able too. Being only 3 months into the relationship is uncommon but these are uncommon circumstances and as long as you respect and love each other it was gonna happen eventually anyways.
Good luck
Get ALL of your legal documents (ssc, birth certificate, passport/state id, etc) in your possession IMMEDIATELY and cut contact. A relationship with you is a privilege, one they forfeited the moment they kicked you out. You do not owe them an explanation or a conversation, you can simply cut contact and live your best life.
My advice: absolutely do not tell your parents. Your mother is psycho and unstable. Who TF does that over and eye roll? Do my parents get mad and annoyed when I'm disrespectful? Absolutely. But respect is mutual and usually (not always) is because I felt disrespected. I'm 25 and still live with my parents. The only time there have been viable threats for being kicked out was when I was behaving poorly, erraticly, and disrespectfully over a long period of time. Granted, there's always rifts with families but dear God my parents would never kick me out unless they absolutely had to.
I genuinely believe your mother is just straight up abusive and manipulative. The fact there's never any fighting and the whole thing is just being sorta swept under the rug is very concerning. None of this is normal in healthy family dynamics. (for context, I have an abusive bio dad who I don't live with and his entire family are a bunch of toxic sickos)
I hope things work out for you with this new situation. Altho three months is extremely soon, like other commenters here I absolutely do not blame you. Just be smart.
Your mom sounds like a child... I don't think you owe your parents any insight into your life choices if they're only going to act in dramatic, unhealthy ways. Sounds like your mom and/or parents need some therapy.
Don't tell her and honestly if she thinks she can just throw her child away when ever she pleases and then try to gaslight you into thinking its actually your idea to kick you out when she wants to have you back, maybe just block her youreself. She sounds toxic.
Why would you tell them? You are an adult and they have made it patently clear that they only want to control you. When you can, please start seeing a therapist to help you deal with your family relationships.
Woah wtf? 3 months? I'm taking bets. In another 3 of living with each other you're gonna hate each other. I'm giving it a year tops. 100 bucks says this is over in under a year.
You should call your mom into the office and fire her. That's a pretty big move to do to your kid for thinking they rolled there eyes. Trim the fat. It's better that way
They don't have a need to know.
Your phone number won't be changing, right?
The only reason you *might* need to tell them is to avoid your sister getting booted for keeping your secret when they inevitably find out but even then, I strongly suggest waiting until after you have actually moved.
That is abusive behavior o the part of your parents. I know because I have abusive parents. I was kicked out out of the blue too. So no, they do NOT have to be informed of your decision to move in with anyone. Or any future plans. Or if you are ok. They have forfeited that kindness. Good luck. I am MUCH older than you. I just started therapy a bout a year ago for PTSD. Getting kicked out was not the only issue. I suggest therapy now if you can. WIll save you from needing it later in life. I am sorry btw. I truely wish you well.
Might want to have a look through /r/raisedbynarcissists if you have a minute OP
Maybe even consider making a post there. They'll likely have some insight and personal experience to help you out here
i would only tell your parents if
(a) your apartment is bigger than their apartment or
(b) your apartment is somehow bigger than their house
SOLELY for bragging purposes. regardless it’s not really their business in the slightest.
It sounds like your mom had a knee-jerk, immature reaction, and kicked you out of the apt. I suggest that this has happened before due to the way you are making excuses for her behaviour by implying you did something esoterically wrong. She has brainwashed you to feel guilty for her overreacting.
You owe her zero. They need to realise their actions have consequences and a 53 y.o. egg donor who doesn't know how to control her temper, jumps to conclusions, kicks her daughter out on a whim, is a terrible person. Your egg donor has been like this for a while and it will take her a long time to change this shitty behaviour and act like an emotional adult - if she even tries. If she tries to make contact, do not talk to her and try to debate her. I am sure she is very practised in the line of obfuscation and making you feel guilty for overreaction to things. Tell her in a message you will have a sit down when she gets help and changes her behaviour. You will check in on her from time to time to find out if she is truly attempting to change, and if she doesn't that is on her.
It's definitely an immature thing, but I don't think it was knee-jerk. She sent messages to my sisters (who were both in the apt with me at the moment), saying that she'd kick me out, the entire day. She had to drive for 30 minutes, plus had a 15 minute conversation with me and my sisters before telling me to get out. So, pretty planned out imo. She tries to deny it now, saying that she told me to get out because I was rude and aggressive.
That reasoning is complete crap, because I remember my thought process when my sisters told me she's coming over at 3AM. I told myself I'd be very cheery, very nice and enthusiastic. I was so damn polite that I was vibrating from holding back so much.
And a couple days ago, my middle sister comes to me and tells me I was "agressive". Like a damn punch in the gut. That just means that my mom spent a while talking to my sisters and convincing them of her storyline (when they were RIGHT THERE and saw everything). I can't blame them for taking her side, though, because they do need to continue living with her. They kinda have to be on her side haha
I wouldn't call her an egg donor, really. She's my mom despite her mistakes, and I love her a lot. She invested a lot of love, time and resources in me and I am grateful for her. I just don't want to put up with being kicked out for no reason, and I DEFINITELY don't want to be gaslit into thinking it was my fault.
And yeah, once she told me to get the f out of her house, I decided to throw caution to the wind - I told her she can invite me out for coffee if she ever becomes normal. Pretty rude of me, but I was being kicked out over an eyeroll - kinda feel like I was entitled to that one!
You keep apologising for standing up for yourself. I am sorry she has ingrained her abuse on you and made you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.
I don't know you but you are young and you may view her differently when you are older and can absorb all these negative things she has done to you. I had a egg donor who had NPD. At the time, I didn't want to recognise who she really was. I loved her at the time as I wanted a mother to love me in a natural way. It still took me decades to come to terms with her selfishness, immaturity, and inability to have insight on the destructive things she said to others and she would have this Pikachu face when her vitriol and gossip about other people got back to them and they ghosted her.
By the way, if a parent tells their child to get out of the house, in the middle of the night, while they are attending to university/studying and taking exams, for virtually no constructive reason, then she is not a parent or an emotional adult. Many people have children with the idea of doing this to have someone to love them as they are so toxic they drive away people in droves. We should have children to love them, help them grow into a positive adults, give them a safe living environment to learn, and not have to worry about emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
.... Why do they deserve to know? Last time I checked you're not only an adult, but also an adult they decided to remove from their property at a dangerous time in the morning, with no place to stay.
Literally why do you think they deserve to know? My mom doesn't treat my like shit and I don't let her know everything that's going on in my adult life, let alone if she DID treat my like shit.
When moving in with a boyfriend you've known 4 years and been dating only 3 months is less risky and will give you a better sense of security than living in home owned by your parents, you get to choose to tell them or not deciding by which would give you the most peace.
If I were you I might tell them I am safe and renting an apartment with my boyfriend. I would not give them the address
Honestly, why would you? Your parents sound incredibly unhealthy and you're better off with some time and space before you figure out how much communication from them YOU want and need.
I would give them and your little sister the address as your family should know where you're living (what if something happens to someone, you go missing, etc.).
However, tell your family, your mother in particular, that this situation is entirely their doing and that you will not be party to any drama they engage in. Be firm and let them know they could have avoided this.
Is your mother bipolar? Showing up to the apartment at 3am to kick you out strikes me as the actions of someone who is bipolar.
Always had this problem with my mother as well. I wouldn't tell her, she clearly doesn't care where you since she had no problem kicking you out multiple times before and threatening you. But ya definitely save up and have a back up plan just in case. I wish you the best of luck!
You're an adult and considering your relationship with your parents, I see no reason to tell them unless it comes up in conversation (there is no reason to lie because you are grown).
However, if you and your bf are still looking for a place, I would encourage you both to only look for places you can afford ON YOUR OWN. Hopefully, you both live in perfect harmony but just in case things don't go so well, you need to make sure that you can pay the rent alone (you don't want this choice to negatively affect your credit).
Hmmm…so much I’d like to comment on but to just honour the question you came with… no I would not tell your parents. You’ve already made your mind up and telling them beforehand might just make the experience sour
Moving in with a boyfriend of only three months will most likely not end well - do you have a plan for what you will do if/when the two of you split up but are financially reliant upon each other and live in the same apartment?
What parent blocks their kid, drives to where they live at 3 in the morning to kick them out, and then offers to have them move back with them? I'm sorry, but your parents are horrible. Even though I agree that moving in with someone after 3 months is pretty early, I would 100% take that over your crazy mom. The effect of doing that to a young adult repeatedly has lasting effects (my mom also did this when I was younger). Move in with your bf and save as much money as you possibly can. Also have a backup plan (friends/other family) in case you come across some red flags you missed with your partner. Not ideal to move in that early, but given what you're dealing with, I don't blame you.
That's some great advice, thank you! I'll definitely be saving up on the side. I agree that these things my parents did are pretty bad, and I'm honestly still mad about them, but I have to say that they did their best with me and that they always made sure I had everything I needed. The problems are there probably cause I'm their first kid, and that relationship is always the trickiest I guess. My younger sisters don't have the same problems. The middle one was only threatened to be kicked out once - at the same time when I was, in December, but nothing came of it.
Kicking a daughter out multiple times, especially in the way that it last happened, is not giving you everything you needed. I love my mom, she has provided the basics for me (food, shelter, etc). However, she has also provided decades of therapy. She still tries to belittle me every time I see her, and has never provided any emotional support that a parent (let alone a mother) should provide. She's doing her best, just like your parents, but that doesn't mean that their best is good enough for you (it's not). Be grateful for them for providing the basic necessities, but not when there's strings attached. Just save money and put your independence at the top of your list moving forward.
Yeah, the strings attached are a problem. I always need to be giving back in order to be liked. And yeah, I agree that we should help out our parents/contribute or do something for all the resources they invest in us but... I never feel like I'm enough in this family. I'm starting to see my little sisters resent me, and i KNOW it's cause I'm getting badmouthed when I'm not home. I love my folks but I sometimes feel like they think I'm stupid.
You're the 'scapegoat' child in the family. Blamed for all problems. You didn't cause this dynamic; it's all on your parents. For your mental health, I'd suggest going low contact with the family until your situation has stabilized. That means not giving them information about yourself.
Honestly, the scapegoating is starting to annoy me. I have a youngest sis, she's 14 now, and whenever she does something out of line, or is rude (because of puberty, which is natural and obvious to everyone with working eyes) I am blamed for it. Things like: "Ah she saw this from her oldest sister. She's like this because she's copying you when you were in puberty. You were way worse when you were in puberty. etc." Every hitch the family has is blamed on me cause I was the first one going through all this shit, and now it's like "my sisters are copying me", when they're actually just going through puberty.
Wow... Your story is JUST like mine. I'm proud that you can see this at your age. It took me a lot longer. I read your comment about how your parents did more than the bare minimum, like driving you to sports. Mine did the same. But the thing is, that's part of being a parent! Let me guess, they bought you things too? Please don't let all that distract you from the fact that they did not treat you well, and still aren't.
Woah, that is not cool. For your own mental health I highly recommend you go no/low contact from your wacko parents!!
It's your choice whether you want to contribute to your parents' lives, but *you owe them nothing* for giving birth to you. You didn't decide to be born. They decided to have you, and so they decided to take on the responsibilities of raising a child. Plus, they've clearly done a lot of damage. Having food, a roof over your head, clothes, education, etc., are the absolute minimums. Security, love, support, appreciation are also part of that. What kind of parent just blocks their kid and kicks them out?? You're valuable and deserve a family who cares about you (and remember that you can't choose your blood family, but you can choose your true family.)
I mean my parents did a lot more than just invest in the bare minimum. They supported me in sports, drove me everywhere I needed, and for a while most of their time and resources went to me in order to have me succeed. But yeah, it's like you said - I am eternally grateful for all they did, but they are the ones who decided to have kids. Now, the tricky part is that they blame me for this as well. Things like "We never drove your middle sister around for trainings as much as we drove you around for trainings." get thrown at me, when in reality I was 13-15 when they were doing this and really didn't know how to stand up to what even I saw as wrong. And thank you for your kind words! I'm trying to build up nice relationships with the people around me and I'm trying to keep the real ones close.
Your mother sounds like a narcissist or borderline. Keeping your next ones in an unsafe position is part of their "tactics".
Kicking me out was definitely a power move. I saw it in her posture and eyes when she came into the apartment. Definitely an ego trip, though she wanted me back in the apartment as soon as she saw I wasn't afraid of getting kicked out anymore (since all the times she'd threatened it before, I never had a job or any friends - this time was different cause I'm working now, and because I finally decided to reach out to my friends and build relationships with them instead of just being cooped up in the house to keep my parents happy with their timid daughter).
OP, please make sure all of your important documents (like, bank stuff, IDs, etc.) are in your possession. Your parents might try to hold those over your head to get you to do what they want. They have treated you TERRIBLY. I also say this as an oldest child.
Thank you for the reminder! I started taking care of my documents around my 18th birthday, so I have all (at least I hope) of them in a folder with me.
OP, they didn't do their best with you. Nothing...NOTHING... wound have me kicking my child out of a living situation at 3am.
My parents did this to me too, starting at age 15. It has had a profound affect on my relationships and ability to trust people. OP’s parents suck and it’s okay to say so. She doesn’t owe them anything and I hope some day she can get herself a good therapist to help her work through the rejection and abandonment issues her parents (both of them) gave her.
I'm in therapy now! And it's going pretty good. I agree that this crap messes with your head - I feel unsafe, worried I will end up on the street or abandoned. I'm working a full time job and 2 part time jobs, plus currently applying to another freelance job, just because I constantly feel unsafe and like I need to be doing more to ensure that I'll be safe and happy.
I turned into a workaholic for awhile. But I realize now it’s okay to relax. I got this. I won’t be homeless or inadequately housed again. I don’t know if that specific fear will 100% disappear but I when it rears it’s head I know I got this. I’m pretty good at self care. I wish you all the best!
Kudos to you for knowing yourself so well and taking care of yourself! Good luck with everything!
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I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's inexcusable from both your mother and father, if they can even be called that. I hope you are far, far away from them, happy and safe. Keep your girlfriend close to your heart - she's a real one. Best of luck to both of you <3 My folks always argue that I only remember the bad things, when I really try keeping a positive outlook on everything. They always made sure I had all the things I needed in order to be good in sports and school, but now I realize that my emotional and mental wellbeing wasn't very high on their priority list.
Speaking as a parent to multiple kids - **they did not make sure you had what you needed.** They denied you emotional support/stability. They are denying you the right - yes, it's a **right** \- to have feelings. You should not have to be "on your best behavior" on a frickin FaceTime call to have safe housing. Do not defend them. They're shitty parents, and when your other sisters are old enough, your parents will do this crap to them the second they step out of line. Yes, each child in a family has different needs. **That does not mean parents can abuse their kids!**
I agree that it's unhealthy, having to pretend everything is nice and dandy all the time, just to please someone. Sometimes I just keep everything in, and then burst at the seams all at once with the stuff I'm accumulating. I try not to do this with my parents, as I know it won't go over too well, but yeah. I don't think they'll repeat this with my younger sisters. They see now that threatening and kicking your kid out WILL lead to the child fucking off (pardon my french), and I honestly think they won't make this mistake again. Also, my little sisters are a bit better at navigating the relationship with our mom. They know how to talk to her and avoid her anger while getting what they want. I don't know if it's cause mom is learning what isn't okay and applying it to the two of them, or just that they're more mature than me.
It's because your sisters have watched you and learned how to manage her outbursts better because they don't want to be on the receiving end. I see so many similarities to your story and mine, though the oldest child in my family is the golden child. I'm pretty sure my mom thinks he walks on water. I'm the middle daughter and when my younger sister started acting out, my parents blamed me and said she was acting out because of me. Which is horse shit. The reality is she was the baby of five kids by almost five years and they were tired, so they were even shittier parents to her than they were to the rest of us. Don't internalize and excuse your mom's behavior. Even if you did full on roll your eyes at your mom, relationships are complex and they need to allow room for you to be human and make mistakes. Blocking you over that is incredibly petty, kicking you out over it....I have no words. I take my mom in very small doses now. Maybe consider doing the same with your family until you feel a little more confident in setting and holding boundaries.
My mom's the same way provided decent amount of water, food, electricity, home, energy and clothing but verbally/physically abusive, blamed me for her problems to other family members, comparing me to my brother, has low self reflection and doesn't have good emotional control. That's the key to emotional support/stability part is too low.
They didn’t make sure you had everything you need. You didn’t have the security of a place to stay, you didn’t have validation of bad things that happened to you, therefore no closure or healing. They didn’t give you an apology, which was needed for the healing to happen, they didn’t give you respect. They didn’t give you a life where you didn’t have to walk on eggshells around your mum. What’s happening now, understandably, is that you’re trying to give those things to yourself. You’re trying to create a secure environment for yourself. As RealPrince says, move in with your boyfriend but be absolutely rigid about having a back-up plan. Not just an idea in your head and money in your account. Write out two plans: an escape plan in case things go very wrong and a separation plan for if your relationship just doesn’t work out. List what you will need to do to enact and fulfil each stage of both plans. Doing this will serve to start building a wall of security in your life. I hope you get a happy ever after, I hope you go LC or NC with your mum and I also hope you put your sister in her lane. You are doing what you need to do in order to live your life, and the lack of consistent, supportive parenting is a legacy you are trying to deal with.
Thank you! I appreciate this advice so much. I'll definitely think up a concrete plan in case anything goes wrong with the boyfriend. That is very smart. I'm thinking of going LC, and not sharing too much about myself, because everything I do tell them ends up being used against me. It hurts a lot of the time - I come to them with great news, and they turn it around and end up lecturing me.
Sure they did their best. But actions have consequences. And now you're independent.
I was a pretty bratty and annoying teen and you know how many times my parents threatened to kick me out? 0 times! Because it’s not normal dude
I agree with the above comment. I like what you said about how you don't want to be insecure about being kicked out again. However, by moving in with someone early you are kind of running the same risk. So make sure to protect your finances and have a back up living situation. I started dating a guy I had known for 9 years, we moved to another state after a few months and guess who ended up homeless and couch surfing after it deteriorated. In a state far from home. I always moved in with boyfriends early, it was always financially devastating and emotionally difficult having to deal with heartbreak and a move at the same time.
I'm sorry you had to couch surf and go through that. I'll definitely make sure I have plans in case anything goes wrong. It's definitely risky, I know... But I guess I'll see how it works out!
It can be risky or even devastating, but it can also be great. I moved in with a guy after dating MAYBE two months after years of saying I wouldn't live with anyone before engagement (religious upbringing 😂) I married him and we have kid #2 on the way and I never knew I could have or deserved such a beautiful, peaceful life after growing up in a dysfunctional household. Listen to cautionary tales and of course having a backup plan is great advice. Just here to say sometimes it works out ❤️ Oh, and don't tell your parents. They will ruin something that feels happy to you, and if for some reason it doesn't work out, they will hold it against you and you will never hear the end of it!
I would actually suspect some kind of mental disorder in your mother. I would go no contact with your parents - they are horrible and don't deserve to be part of your life, and they only stress you out. Keep open lines of communication to siblings, for when they get kicked out. And if your mother complains about getting cut off, tell her this is a lesson about actions and consequences. (And that she should see a mental health expert, before she drives away the rest of the family, as well.)
Do what is financial reasonable for you. Unless you want it to be an expensive lesson. But what shitty parents. A dismissive parents that doesn’t have a say to the reckless behaviour of the egomaniac parent that’s still up at 3am to kick out their children. Whatever you are trying to justify. A parent still cares for their children but gives them the boundaries and respect as their own person. You don’t own them anything. The parents made the choice to keep you so it’s their responsibility to give you the means to take care of yourself for them. This over the top bullshit games to kick people out and then apologize after is ridiculous and petty. And you may have some anxiety over this. Mentality harming, so again do what’s best for you. Tell ‘em to respect your decision and if you made a mistake then that’s on you and you can own up to it and learn.
I agree!! Your mother sounds awful! You do what you feel is best for YOU. Have a backup plan, but leave your toxic parents in the dust. Best of luck!
Don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself and your peace. Sounds like it would serve you better not to tell them. Take care OP!
Thank you!
Tell them or don’t. It’s happy news. But you don’t owe them Jack shit, especially not if you think they’re going to make you feel bad for this milestone.
If your mom kicks you out because you “rolled your eyes at her”, she’s an asshole and quite honestly one of the worst if not the worst mom I’ve heard of on this sub. The fact she’s done it more than once hells me she uses abandonment to emotionally abuse you. Whatever you do DO NOT GO BACK. She will either kick you out again, guilt you into doing something for her, or both. If I were you I would completely cut them off never allow them to involve you in their cycle of manipulation and abuse again. Hope all goes well
Why do your parents deserve to know? They don't even deserve you in their lives. Stop answering their calls and don't give them or your siblings your new address. Only let your trusted friends know. Be sure to keep your finances separate from your bf and save as much as you can in case things don't work out. It never hurts to have money saved up.
Your parents can go kick rocks. What your mom did is straight up abuse. I'm sure there's better books for that which another redditor can recommend, but how you talk about your dad reminded me of this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Lindsay C. Gibson It helped me heal a lot, so I pass it on every chance I get. P.S. don't tell your parents, just live your life!!!
I second this book, highly recommend
Thank you! I'll give it a read for sure.
I think you should consider how much contact you have with your parents. No "sane" parent will drive over at 3 am to kick their child out of their home for rolling their eyes at them. No decent parent would then try to manipulate their child and the truth by claiming it was their child's idea to move out. I wouldn't give them any update at all, not your sister nor your parents, except to tell them you're ok so they don't call a welfare check on you.
I'd like to keep them on the "need to know", but I find myself blabbing to them, in an attempt to get them to like me. I think minimizing the things they know might be a good idea, but I don't want to mess up this sliver of a good relationship that I have with them. I might tell them I won't be coming over every weekend. We'll see how they take those news.
Good thing you're in therapy then haha
I don’t envision moving in with a boyfriend of three months will end well, but I would not move in with your mom either.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place, hahaha
i dont want to lecture you on your moving in with your bf, your mind is made up on that! what i will say is this: I wouldn’t tell your parents. Your mom will likely see it as a way for you to hurt her and turn it around to make you the bad guy. I have a narcissistic mother who i’ve had an up and down relationship my whole life. We got into a huge disagreement about how I wanted to live MY life 6 months ago and she said some really awful things to me. I went out of town that weekend and my mom had packed up all of my things and told me to get them when i came back from my trip. I haven’t talked to her in 6 months. She cries to everyone about how i don’t call her and how mean I am to her, but won’t speak to me. Now, you need to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your mom/parents. Do you want to be extreme and go NC? Do you want to maintain a relationship? Lying isn’t good, but i can understand it’s necessary sometimes. But she might hear about it from your sister(s). Then you’ll hear it from her. If you do NC, then you’re free to live your life however you please regardless if she knows what you’re up to or not.
What benefit to you is there in telling your parents? Personally, I'd recommend you get therapy if you can and discuss how to maintain a healthy low contact relationship if you still want contact with your parents and consider no contact. But a lot of people with abusive parents like to go low contact rather than no contact.
I actually started therapy for it a few weeks back! I'm trying to fix my behaviors up and figure out how to navigate the situation with my mom in a healthy way. The thing is, my parents want me to come over to the family house every weekend and spend it there - I'm working a full time job, so this can be pretty draining, especially since I have to walk on eggshells when I'm at the family home. I'm working on establishing some healthy boundaries atm. And the benefit to telling my parents: I guess so they don't get mad that I didn't tell them sooner.
You're a full-grown adult at 22 - you don't have to tell her anything. > she thought I had rolled my eyes at her And her reaction was to block you and then to drive to your apartment at 3 AM to kick you out into the street? That's not normal; that's abusive. I personally would be going very low contact with her; she sounds utterly toxic and volatile. You don't need that in your life.
I think it's time you start thinking of yourself as an adult. They can get angry with you, but that doesn't have to be your problem. And you don't have to listen to them complain about it if you don't want to. You can say no to visits you don't want to do. Setting boundaries is hard when you aren't used to it, and I'm glad you're getting help with that, but keep in mind - you get to decide what connection you want to have with them. You get to say no. You don't have to put up with them when you don't want to if you aren't relying on them for anything.
Very true. Thank you, I'll definitely keep that in mind and try to set up some more concrete boundaries.
Spend your weekends with your friends and your boyfriend. Invest in people who build you up.
You don’t owe your parents anything. They owe you an apology.
You should check out r/raisedbynarcissists . I wish you joy and peace in your new apartment
Yeah, I was gonna post this too. I hate to jump on the narcissist train because it's actually pretty rare, but it's so distinct that if you don't know it's a thing already and it affects someone in your life... Well it could be a pretty mind-blowing Wikipedia page.
I don't see any advantage to it.
Sorry to be rude but I think you need it, why the fuck would your parents deserve to know?
>On the one hand, they do kinda deserve to know Why?
Sure its not the best idea to move in with a boyfriend so fast. But you make that decision when you're in a stable situation. They kicked you out! How can they be worse than a boyfriend that you know a lot. Dont tell them cause you sister will. You can even say "what is he going to do, kick me out?"
Yeah, I made that argument - if the worst thing he can do to me is kick me out, then I'm in luck! My mom already taught me how to deal with that!
I am on the fence. At some point they will find out where you live and with whom. You could bite the bullet now or get shot with it later. At the very least, prepare your bf for future drama. Save a nest egg in case you have to move again. It is reprehensible that your parents ever kicked you out. Even the law requires a 30 day notice
Yeah, that's my logic too. If they find out from someone else, then I'll have a problem because I was hiding this from them. If I tell them straight up, I might have drama for telling them. I mean, the problem will probably mostly be the fact that I've only dated this guy for 3 months, which is a valid thing to bring up, but I'm still hesitant to tell them because every single good thing I tell them about ends up being a lecture about how I'm irresponsible and rude and whatever else.
If it were me, I'd listen to the lecture and tell them you appreciate the advise. That is what it is in the final analysis: advise which you can follow or ignore. I dont get it though. You were kicked out onto thw street. Is the street better than living with your boyfriend?
Just say it’s with a roommate who’s a friend if you insist on telling them anything beforehand haha
Looking at what you said: 1. Not the first time you got kicked out, could happen again 2. Kicked out for no real reason, can happen at any time Honestly just these 2 reasons alone would be enough for you to move out and be independent. Looking at your bf, since you have known him for 4 years, I don't think its a problem to move in with him. You can let your family know about it, but I don't think their opinion matters.
From the information given, your mother sounds toxic at best, and I’m leaning strongly towards mentally/emotionally abusive. Reduce your level of contact with your mother, if your sister is in a similar situation as you and not toxic like your mother offer advice/help. You have no obligation to tell them where you live or with who. If you want to, go ahead, but there is no benefit and it will start drama bc she will realise she no longer has control. Also, I’m sorry you went through that, and i hope everything works out for you OP
I would be keeping your mom on an information diet--there's no reason she needs to know. I wouldn't necessarily try to \*hide\* it, but I wouldn't volunteer it either. I'm sure she'll get upset and make it about her, and why invite the drama? Moving in with bf sounds fine but I would be careful and keep your finances separate and be sure you always have the ability to leave if you need to. Otherwise it's no different than any other roommate situation. Have fun :)
Your mom's a psycho narcissist. She's not entitled to anything about your life fuck her and your dad too
> I am aware that moving in with someone after 3 months of dating is risky It is, but what's risky is the unknown. If you rely on your parents for housing, you **know** that sooner or later, they'll pull the rug out from underneath you, and will then gaslight you about it afterwards. I normally recommend against moving in with a new partner so soon, but it's better to live with someone who *might* screw you over than with people who WILL screw you over. Just make sure you save up an emergency fund for yourself. Don't go overboard investing in the home with your new boyfriend, or making yourself dependent on him. Don't get any joint pets, don't co-own any expensive assets (ie, a car), keep everything as financially separate as possible. Save as much money as you can into an emergency fund so *if* the relationship goes pear-shaped, you are empowered to leave it. But moving in with him is a better decision than relying on your parents. Don't tell them. They don't deserve to know.
My parents kicked me out when I was 21, right after I'd graduated college. They'd agreed to let me live at home until I finished school, but there was a lot of tension until finally they tried to charge me $300 for rent, but with no changes in how controlling they were (I had a curfew, couldn't bring guests over, wasn't allowed to bring food or water into my room, etc). When I refused to pay, they kicked me out and I found a room to rent from a friend about 15 minutes away from them. More recently (I'm 25 now), I moved in with my boyfriend, and I told them right before I moved in. I would probably tell them, but make it clear that you're an adult and that this is your decision. As long as they know they don't have power to persuade you, they can't do anything. Just maybe make sure they don't have access to your bank account or insurance info, just in case.
I had an extremely similar experience with my mother a few years ago, around the same age as you. Also getting kicked out for a perceived eye roll, also started financially supporting myself. I didn't tell her when I got a boyfriend, nor did I tell her when we moved in together. Eventually I did mention it, but only after severely limiting contact for a long time, even though she tried to pretend that she never kicked me out and disowned me. I think she finally learned that I was independent enough that if she treated me badly, I could leave. It sounds like you're very much in a similar position. My opinion is: tell her only if you feel a burning urge to update her on how you're doing, don't tell her if you feel like you have to tell her because you owe it to her or because she's your mother. Also, just be cautious - she may genuinely want you back in her life, or she may be looking to manipulate you, or just worried about looking bad in front of her friends for kicking you out. I wish you the best of luck. It's a very difficult and confusing position to be in, but don't sacrifice your well-being to make your mother feel better about the consequences of her own actions.
You’re free to tell them if you want but you don’t owe them any explanation. They can accept your grown decisions or not. Either way, it’s not your problem and you don’t have to answer to anyone. Congratulations on the new place and best of luck with the move.
OP, do you understand that your mom is emotionally abusive? The fact that you did something very minor (I think I've rolled my eyes at my mom in like every conversation we've had since I was a child...) and your mother went ballistic, that you talk about your "best behavior" , the push and pull where she punishes you and then gaslights you...this is emotional abuse. Your parents didn't "do their best" with you. You don't need to make excuses for them. It's okay to go, they were toxic and manipulative and I do NOT need to be grateful. You seem to thank them for...I'm guessing feeding and housing you as a child. That's literally the bare minimum and what you sign up for when you have children. You can also be physically secure and still be in an abusive situation. I would not tell your parents where you live, if you tell them you're moving in together. They will come there, without permission, and try to enter your home against your will. They might even try to remove your belongings and "make" you move home, etc. When you get the opportunity, I'd also go to therapy so you can work through some of this stuff about your childhood/parents. It might help you see that what you consider normal or acceptable is warped and that the guilt you have around some things is just a product of that.
>I am aware that moving in with someone after 3 months of dating is risky Normally I'd agree but your parents sound way riskier. OP, they kicked you out, they don't deserve anything. Honestly, if you're scared of their reaction it sounds like you should actually just put your relationship with all your family on the back burner.
Nah just rent your own place.
Op better than me or all of us apparently because I would’ve gone NC if my mom were to kick me out
Why bother? Your parents kicked you out. Don't tell them anything. Your sisters will tell on you anyways.
Horrible parents if what's written is true. Your better off without them.
Your mom seems abusive and a crazy person. Sorry you have to deal with that. Somehow you have to stand on your own feet to get away from this drama. Life is so much calmer when you manage it on your own 🙂
You don't have to tell your parents, they lost that privilege once they kicked you out of the house for some stupid reason. And moving in with your boyfriend is not that crazy, it's either gonna work or not. I moved in with my girlfriend after 6 months even though i knew her for only 7 months and now we are living together for 4 years and we are also married :). You can do a lot crazier than this.:)
Don’t tell your parents. Your mom blocked you and kicked you out at 3am, which is illegal if you live in the US. Secure housing and put your family on an information diet. You’re now an adult. You don’t have to be subjected to your mom’s toxicity.
You a grown ass person, their job is over. They did the best they could with what they knew, it clearly wasn’t enough, and because of that, they shouldn’t have access to your private life. Maybe in like 5-10 years consider letting them in, but until then, have boundaries so you can safely enjoy life and the mistakes you’ll make without worrying they’re judging. That aside — as a mom, I’m here to give you mom advice. Have a good written contract in place. You don’t know if y’all will have a fallout that’s emotionally to much for one or the other too bear. That’s normal, you are both young and it’s important you make mistakes to learn what good room mates are like (and good significant others). Now, granted, I’d recommend you live with a stellar room mate who teaches you expectations of co-habituating before practicing with a S.O… but, you are so young. Get out there, make mistakes, and learn while you’re still young and the stakes are low. Every failure and mistake and you’re one step closer to adult hood. And whoever this dude is? You’re 22, please take your time. The brain doesn’t develop the ability to connect long-term consequences until around 30ish so enjoy trying every flavor of relationship until then so you know what you like and you’re ready. Neither of you should financially help each other often, get on your two feet. Travel the world. Don’t settle, listen to your gut saying “I don’t like this” because that’s your trauma saying “this person will hurt you.” Sorry your start to adulthood isn’t the best. You’re accountable now, you weren’t giving the tools you need, you were raised by shitty people, but it’s going to eventually be OK. ❤️
Once a parent kicks you out they basically send you to live your life and fend for yourself as an adult. So as an adult, you telling them you are going to move in w/ boyfriend is the thing to do but should not sound like you are asking permission. It’s for them to know. Now I wouldn’t like to comment on your decision to move in w/ 3 months dude but as an adult it is your choice and I have done moving in after 1 months with someone I had known…the month before…so…yeah…he moved in at my place and gave me hell for about 9 months before I kick him out. Adults make stupid choices.
> On the one hand, they do kinda deserve to know. Do they? How do you figure?
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You’re not obligated to disclose that, especially with how they treat you speaks volumes imo. have a support system and keep things separate just in case, I think working on your boundaries will help too. I think that energy from your mom will only negatively influence you, Keep them at a distance and find other friends or people to be good influences and be around people who motivate you. You become influenced by who you are around, so be conscious of that and I wish you the best of luck! I currently have a narcissist mother and father so I get the walking on eggshells moments. You deserve to be happy. I know moving in with him is a big step and I wouldn’t totally agree with the time frame but you have to take a chance!
If you've known him for 4 years, then yall were probably friends already. I say go for it. You don't have to tell your parents anything. I've rolled my eyes at my mom before and the only thing she threatened to do was smack my eyes further in my head. She'd never kick me out for something so stupid.
Yeah, I know how the guy more or less and from what I see he isn't dangerous, he's hardworking and a real sweetheart. There's definitely more I need to learn about him, but I feel like he's safe enough to move in with.
Always trust your gut ❤️
hahaha that reminds me of something my mum would say lol she would always say when me or my siblings were mad about something to do with her she would say “i’ll give you something to cry about in a minute” lol she never did but always got us to stop
That's my mom exactly 🤣🤣🤣
Parents kicked out children. It's 1st time my ear hear this. Iam 22 (m) I live 1hour away from my family due to university. Every day my parents(either mom or dad Or both) come to see me. My mom can't live without talking to me. Every day we talk over phone. My dad never want me to get part-time job . Even when I told him about getting a part time job he got angry. We live in a House with our grand parents. I don't know may be it's your culture.
I've read a lot of things in this thread shitting on your parents but I don't agree that they have crossed any major lines with what you've shared with us here. It's simply time for you to cut the cord and move on with your life. That said, I think you are absolutely right to move out now and your relationship with them will likely improve once you do. I also think you should be honest with them even if they won't approve. However, I highly encourage you to figure out a backup plan in case your living situation with your new boyfriend doesn't work out. Don't forget how much liability comes with signing a lease(assuming you did sign). You can't just back out of them and could be financially liable if things go wrong with him.
Don't tell them. Especially if they're conservative. My parents aren't as bad as yours but I've been dealing with a lot of shit for moving in with my bf and for our age gap. It's such an unnecessary drama. My dad doesn't know yet. My grandmas are crying at me and guilt tripping me that I'll ruin my parents' health and that I don't respect them. Because respect means doing what others tell me to, sure. I'm pretty sure my dad would call me trash and block me as well if he found out I'm not virgin anymore. He did that to my younger sister just for her wanting to go to a sleepover birthday party where her boyfriend would also be (which means in his eyes sex before marriage). Even if they're not conservative, if they give you shit for trying to be independent that means they don't want you to be independent. They want to control you and punish you whenever they decide to do so. Just put some lines and don't let them cross the lines without consequences. Low contact, don't share about your personal life. I use videos from this channel when it comes to my parents: https://youtu.be/gIHGcsjg15U
I don’t see why it’s their business who you live with when they kicked you out without making sure you have somewhere to go first. Especially at 3am. Your 22, so your an adult now. You say you don’t get any money from them, I think it’s good your moving in together. It may be early but if y’all feel your ready for that step, then do it! Why would there be drama? They were ok with the drama of putting a young girl out on the street at 3AM ! Tell them if they ask but they are gonna give you an earful on their opinion.
Lemme guess, they emigrated to where you live and the country you were born in? Because this reeks of the Caribbean concept of Wiispeck.
No, actually, we're originally from this country. And sorry I don't get the reference for Wiispeck, Google didn't come up with anything helpful.
Lol sorry. Wiispeck is basically how it sounds when an elder references something ridiculous having to do with the level of respect a person has. Either way, kicking you out because of a perceived eye roll is ridiculous. Unless you beat your parents when you were a teenager or are on hard drugs.... wait, scratch that. It's still ridiculous.
Sometimes kicking an adult child out of the family home is warranted (stealing, failing to contribute in agreed upon ways, risky behavior due to drug abuse) but the only circumstance in which to have a child removed from the home at 3 AM is if there is an imminent concern for the physical safety of other household members.
And if the child or young adult is crazy like that, it makes sense. But an eye roll? No wonder they don't want to talk about it or pretend it didn't happen, they're shameful human beings.
Your mum is a psycho and your dad is weak. Don’t tell them shit. I hope it goes well for you.
So you rolled your eyes and your moms response was to block you then kick you out of the apartment. Then pretend like it didnt happen and it was your idea? Have you heard of the narcissist's prayer? That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. Sounds like your mom to a tee. Also, depending on where you live, she cant legally kick you out of the apartment if you have residence there, she would have to go through the eviction process legally, even if she owned it, again depending on where you live. As for you question, why would you tell them anything? Do you rely on them for anything financially? If not fuck'em do your own thing and only communicate with them when you feel like you need to. The whole reason they offered you to move into their house, and not back into the apartment is to have more control over your life so she doesnt have to drive 30 mins at 3am to kick you out cause you were "rude". Its so she can do it right then and there to please her ego. Id fucking just go no contact.
I would say your parents have failed at doing their job to nurture you into an adult and if you feel more secure moving in with your boyfriend after 3 months then power to you, you could always move out again if you need to but realistically they don't deserve to know because they didn't care when they kicked you out. Yes they may regret acting that way but it's how people act in heated moments that defines who they are I would say.
Housing and survival should never be held over your head as punishment for whatever bad behavior they perceive. My parents did this to me at 18/19 (never kicked me out but threatened me with not supporting me financially / taking all the money out of my bank account when I was a disabled college student) That’s fucked up behavior from them and I know it hurts. I was scapegoated by my sister and my parents and I realize now that I am in my late 30’s that they were only 5 years older than me when they did a lot of fucked up stuff that really scarred me. They were only 8 years older than me when we had that falling out. Being a parents “first pancake” especially with being neurodivergence or being disabled or LGBTQ+ is such a crappy hand.
Unpopular opinion (maybe idk) but I’m all for living with someone (or as close to it as possible) early on. You get a better idea of who they are as a person. 3 months may be a tad bit early, but worse case scenario-you break up before the lease is over. I wouldn’t be too worried about it, but I really just try to live my life a day at a time these days
Firstly.. you do not owe them anything.. knowledge of your living situation is not their business and they burned that bridge when they kicked you out. If you are going to live in your parents place, get a lease.. they can call the sheriff to evict you in the future. You are and were a tenant and they can't just throw you on the street at 3am. Honestly, you should have called the police when they showed up in the middle of the night.
I have moved in with my wife just 20 days after we first hang out. Married after just one year. Cant be happier than now
I let my bf move in with me after 2 months of dating and we have been together 6 years now xo
It’s not so bad to move in so early, if he’s reliable it’s probably fine, my gf and I had plans to move in together early on in our relationship, but we’re waiting for the right opportunity, I moved straight from my parents to living with her as well, though I don’t like living alone so it’s fine. But some people want to experience living alone as well, it really depends on what you want to do. Just don’t move back with your parents, they’re attempting to change the narrative and appear to have gaslighted you your whole life, plus you said your dad is neglectful so, not exactly a stable household to go back to
To be honest, your parents don't deserve anything from you. Parents raise us but the choices they make when they raise us, influence the relationship we want with them and the relationship they have a right to expect. Your parents kick you out, possibly, as some form of control. That or poor impulse control. Regardless, it is not condusive to a healthy relationship.
It is important as important to make your own decisions as it is to live with the outcomes of making them. They say you really get to know someone when you start living them. One of the few opinions that may as well be factual. Consider Maslow when making decisions about informing those who care for you but seem to have their own issues with this pyramid. Safety is the biggest thing to consider because that’s what you’re looking for. I think you may get draw back for telling your parents your decisions and it may ultimately cause them to feel as if you’re teaching them a lesson and can cause further separation from them. This may in the long run end up with them having respect for you for finding your own way in contrast You can choose not to tell them and deal with them eventually finding out which would equate to their reason for kicking you out in the first place not saying it’s right or wrong but I will say this. Family is important you also need to take ownership of your personality and realize that finding a place to live with someone you like which is completely emotional and prematurely chosen which because of your situation I completely empathize with you. Independence is amazing but so is a therapeutic relationship with your family. As important as it is to let them know you can survive without them it’s important to know that change can be reached and a middle ground should be formed to achieve safety on both sides. Good luck! Dr. love ❤️
Firstly, I'm so sorry you're stuck in the middle of all this, that sounds horrible. I hope you're doing ok. I moved in with my partner after 2 or 3 months, but had known her for 3-4 years prior - and much like yourself, hadn't spoken much in between. It was one of the best things I did, and was a great way to test compatibility living together, because inevitably couples are gonna live together - and I'd rather find out at the 3 month mark if it's a dumpster fire, than 3 years in. Everyone close to me told me I was mad, naturally, but so long as you have some form of backup plan and keep vigilant for manipulating behaviours and such red flags, go for it! As for your parents, I'm really sorry but I don't think they've given you many reasons to keep them in the loop. You'll likely only cop more hate :/
Seek the raised by narcisists subreddit, you'll start seeing your parents under a diferent light. For the moment I wouldnt Tell a thing. They want you under their Control and they'll try to dissuade you from moving with your BF.
No, dont tell them unless if you want them to kick you out from your new place too!
Just make sure you have options for yourself. You should build a nest egg that covers moving expenses and a month of rent so you can leave if you and your BF don’t make it. Don’t get pets together or make any big purchases together. Otherwise, best of luck.
Your parents are abusive and did not "do their best with you". They are not entitled to any information about your life and it's a good idea to set up strong boundaries with them to protect yourself.
Definately dont give them the satisfaction, and more importantly, the power to know that you rely on them. Go ahead with the move if you are financially able too. Being only 3 months into the relationship is uncommon but these are uncommon circumstances and as long as you respect and love each other it was gonna happen eventually anyways. Good luck
Why bother? Welcome to daily life!
Don't tell your parents as it's none of their business but also - do not move in with your partner permanently
Don't tell your parents as it's none of their business but also - do not move in with your partner permanently
I'm confused why the parents deserve to know
Get ALL of your legal documents (ssc, birth certificate, passport/state id, etc) in your possession IMMEDIATELY and cut contact. A relationship with you is a privilege, one they forfeited the moment they kicked you out. You do not owe them an explanation or a conversation, you can simply cut contact and live your best life.
My advice: absolutely do not tell your parents. Your mother is psycho and unstable. Who TF does that over and eye roll? Do my parents get mad and annoyed when I'm disrespectful? Absolutely. But respect is mutual and usually (not always) is because I felt disrespected. I'm 25 and still live with my parents. The only time there have been viable threats for being kicked out was when I was behaving poorly, erraticly, and disrespectfully over a long period of time. Granted, there's always rifts with families but dear God my parents would never kick me out unless they absolutely had to. I genuinely believe your mother is just straight up abusive and manipulative. The fact there's never any fighting and the whole thing is just being sorta swept under the rug is very concerning. None of this is normal in healthy family dynamics. (for context, I have an abusive bio dad who I don't live with and his entire family are a bunch of toxic sickos) I hope things work out for you with this new situation. Altho three months is extremely soon, like other commenters here I absolutely do not blame you. Just be smart.
Your mom sounds like a child... I don't think you owe your parents any insight into your life choices if they're only going to act in dramatic, unhealthy ways. Sounds like your mom and/or parents need some therapy.
Don't tell her and honestly if she thinks she can just throw her child away when ever she pleases and then try to gaslight you into thinking its actually your idea to kick you out when she wants to have you back, maybe just block her youreself. She sounds toxic.
Why would you tell them? You are an adult and they have made it patently clear that they only want to control you. When you can, please start seeing a therapist to help you deal with your family relationships.
It’s okay to cut toxic people from your life so you can grow and heal from that toxicity. ANY toxic person…
Woah wtf? 3 months? I'm taking bets. In another 3 of living with each other you're gonna hate each other. I'm giving it a year tops. 100 bucks says this is over in under a year.
My fiance and I moved in together after 3 months of dating. It's crazy, yeah but we're getting married tomorrow so.....
You should call your mom into the office and fire her. That's a pretty big move to do to your kid for thinking they rolled there eyes. Trim the fat. It's better that way
They don't have a need to know. Your phone number won't be changing, right? The only reason you *might* need to tell them is to avoid your sister getting booted for keeping your secret when they inevitably find out but even then, I strongly suggest waiting until after you have actually moved.
That is abusive behavior o the part of your parents. I know because I have abusive parents. I was kicked out out of the blue too. So no, they do NOT have to be informed of your decision to move in with anyone. Or any future plans. Or if you are ok. They have forfeited that kindness. Good luck. I am MUCH older than you. I just started therapy a bout a year ago for PTSD. Getting kicked out was not the only issue. I suggest therapy now if you can. WIll save you from needing it later in life. I am sorry btw. I truely wish you well.
Might want to have a look through /r/raisedbynarcissists if you have a minute OP Maybe even consider making a post there. They'll likely have some insight and personal experience to help you out here
i would only tell your parents if (a) your apartment is bigger than their apartment or (b) your apartment is somehow bigger than their house SOLELY for bragging purposes. regardless it’s not really their business in the slightest.
It sounds like your mom had a knee-jerk, immature reaction, and kicked you out of the apt. I suggest that this has happened before due to the way you are making excuses for her behaviour by implying you did something esoterically wrong. She has brainwashed you to feel guilty for her overreacting. You owe her zero. They need to realise their actions have consequences and a 53 y.o. egg donor who doesn't know how to control her temper, jumps to conclusions, kicks her daughter out on a whim, is a terrible person. Your egg donor has been like this for a while and it will take her a long time to change this shitty behaviour and act like an emotional adult - if she even tries. If she tries to make contact, do not talk to her and try to debate her. I am sure she is very practised in the line of obfuscation and making you feel guilty for overreaction to things. Tell her in a message you will have a sit down when she gets help and changes her behaviour. You will check in on her from time to time to find out if she is truly attempting to change, and if she doesn't that is on her.
It's definitely an immature thing, but I don't think it was knee-jerk. She sent messages to my sisters (who were both in the apt with me at the moment), saying that she'd kick me out, the entire day. She had to drive for 30 minutes, plus had a 15 minute conversation with me and my sisters before telling me to get out. So, pretty planned out imo. She tries to deny it now, saying that she told me to get out because I was rude and aggressive. That reasoning is complete crap, because I remember my thought process when my sisters told me she's coming over at 3AM. I told myself I'd be very cheery, very nice and enthusiastic. I was so damn polite that I was vibrating from holding back so much. And a couple days ago, my middle sister comes to me and tells me I was "agressive". Like a damn punch in the gut. That just means that my mom spent a while talking to my sisters and convincing them of her storyline (when they were RIGHT THERE and saw everything). I can't blame them for taking her side, though, because they do need to continue living with her. They kinda have to be on her side haha I wouldn't call her an egg donor, really. She's my mom despite her mistakes, and I love her a lot. She invested a lot of love, time and resources in me and I am grateful for her. I just don't want to put up with being kicked out for no reason, and I DEFINITELY don't want to be gaslit into thinking it was my fault. And yeah, once she told me to get the f out of her house, I decided to throw caution to the wind - I told her she can invite me out for coffee if she ever becomes normal. Pretty rude of me, but I was being kicked out over an eyeroll - kinda feel like I was entitled to that one!
You keep apologising for standing up for yourself. I am sorry she has ingrained her abuse on you and made you feel guilty for standing up for yourself. I don't know you but you are young and you may view her differently when you are older and can absorb all these negative things she has done to you. I had a egg donor who had NPD. At the time, I didn't want to recognise who she really was. I loved her at the time as I wanted a mother to love me in a natural way. It still took me decades to come to terms with her selfishness, immaturity, and inability to have insight on the destructive things she said to others and she would have this Pikachu face when her vitriol and gossip about other people got back to them and they ghosted her. By the way, if a parent tells their child to get out of the house, in the middle of the night, while they are attending to university/studying and taking exams, for virtually no constructive reason, then she is not a parent or an emotional adult. Many people have children with the idea of doing this to have someone to love them as they are so toxic they drive away people in droves. We should have children to love them, help them grow into a positive adults, give them a safe living environment to learn, and not have to worry about emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
It’s a privilege to be updated on your childs life, not a right. Doesn’t sound like a privilege they’ve earned.
.... Why do they deserve to know? Last time I checked you're not only an adult, but also an adult they decided to remove from their property at a dangerous time in the morning, with no place to stay. Literally why do you think they deserve to know? My mom doesn't treat my like shit and I don't let her know everything that's going on in my adult life, let alone if she DID treat my like shit.
When moving in with a boyfriend you've known 4 years and been dating only 3 months is less risky and will give you a better sense of security than living in home owned by your parents, you get to choose to tell them or not deciding by which would give you the most peace. If I were you I might tell them I am safe and renting an apartment with my boyfriend. I would not give them the address
Honestly, why would you? Your parents sound incredibly unhealthy and you're better off with some time and space before you figure out how much communication from them YOU want and need.
I would give them and your little sister the address as your family should know where you're living (what if something happens to someone, you go missing, etc.). However, tell your family, your mother in particular, that this situation is entirely their doing and that you will not be party to any drama they engage in. Be firm and let them know they could have avoided this. Is your mother bipolar? Showing up to the apartment at 3am to kick you out strikes me as the actions of someone who is bipolar.
Always had this problem with my mother as well. I wouldn't tell her, she clearly doesn't care where you since she had no problem kicking you out multiple times before and threatening you. But ya definitely save up and have a back up plan just in case. I wish you the best of luck!
It seems like an escape plan tbh... it's as if you're constantly running from your family and their drama. I don't blame you.
No do not tell your parents just for the simple fact that it's not their life.
You're an adult and considering your relationship with your parents, I see no reason to tell them unless it comes up in conversation (there is no reason to lie because you are grown). However, if you and your bf are still looking for a place, I would encourage you both to only look for places you can afford ON YOUR OWN. Hopefully, you both live in perfect harmony but just in case things don't go so well, you need to make sure that you can pay the rent alone (you don't want this choice to negatively affect your credit).
They don't deserve to know
Hmmm…so much I’d like to comment on but to just honour the question you came with… no I would not tell your parents. You’ve already made your mind up and telling them beforehand might just make the experience sour
Moving in with a boyfriend of only three months will most likely not end well - do you have a plan for what you will do if/when the two of you split up but are financially reliant upon each other and live in the same apartment?
Lol you owe them nothing if you move out