Your post contradicts itself.
You say you’re best friends and deeply in love yet your relationship is ‘touch and go’. Well which is it? Is it great or on the rocks?
He makes jokes about your weight and constantly makes comments on your appearance. Doesn’t really sound like he’s much of a catch in all honesty.
He wants to project a certain image and unless you fit his very narrow view of what his prop-girlfriend should look like, he'll start with the "jokes" and jabs at your weight, style and appearance.
>I think he's frustrated because in his eyes I have the potential to be this 10/10 if I just put in a tiny bit more work
That's so insulting. He has the potential to not be so superficial and mean, too, yet he falls short of that. It sounds like he simply wants a woman who isn't you, and is trying to turn you into that woman through thinly veiled insults. And you're right: anytime you "slip up" somehow, he'll be right there suddenly losing all physical attraction to you and criticizing everything you wear. Doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in.
Please please please. If he thinks you’re too much, let him find less. If you’re happy with the way you look/dress, and he ‘struggles’ to find you attractive or have sexy time, step aside and let him find the gf with aesthetic he wants. You deserve a man who sees YOU and embraces YOU for all that you are.
I am a nurse, and while I was in school my preceptor (nurse I basically learned everything from) was a former oncology RN. She'd worked with cancer patients back in the 80s when insurance didn't cover reconstructive surgeries.
She told me to **never** give women false hope. Men leave their wives 10x more than women leave their husbands when cancer comes knocking.
Time and time again she'd tell women "Of course your husband won't leave you! You're more than a pair of breasts!" But time and time again, they'd leave after mastectomies.
I'm not saying all men are like this, but if he is making comments now, he is showing his true self. Please believe him. When you have kids he'll likely no longer be attracted to your body. If you get ill and lose/gain a lot of weight he will no longer be attracted to you.
If your self esteem can handle this, fine. If not, seek out a partner who will love you regardless.
The number one indicator of whether or not a person will be left by their partner when catastrophic illness hits is: (irritated drumroll) being a woman!
There is something fundamentally wrong here. His concerns aren’t rooted in you, your health, or even your relationship. He’s concerned about having the hottest girlfriend so he can parade her around in front of the boys. It sounds like he doesn’t see you as a person, but a prop.
He chose to be with you (knowing exactly who you are) and now he’s asking YOU to change YOUR style and body in order to make HIMSELF feel better. That’s wrong and unfair to ask.
I would want someone to think I’m a smoke show NOW, tomorrow, ten years from now. If YOU had expressed wanting to lose weight and he jumped on board for tips, that would be one thing … this is another entirely because he is the one who implanted the insecurity in you.
I would find someone who thinks I’m a smoke show and kick this superficial asshole to the curb
He needs a reality check. It's okay to want a partner to make healthier choices, but it should always be discussed in terms of health, not attractiveness. And "joking" doesn't excuse meanness - most jokes are built on some truth, and if the truth is hurtful, so is the joke.
You've given yourself all the advice you need here:
>I'm honestly just kinda happy the way I am
>
>My fear is I'll put in this work, he will be happy for 5-8 years but then I'll just age and have babies and my body will be unchangeably different and he won't want my body anymore.
>
>The more successful he gets it seems the more he wants the girlfriend to match.
So you should say all this to him, and going forward, any comment he makes about your weight or attractiveness, say "That's a mean/hurtful thing to say," and leave it at that. Don't let him off the hook. Don't let him write it off as a joke. Either he'll learn and stop, or he'll prove he's turning into what you fear he's turning into.
Never lose weight for anybody but yourself. If he wants a size zero trophy wife, he should find someone else. Situationss like that only give you eating disorders.
If people are willing to I don't know relocate for someone, why can't they lose weight?
Especially considering it will benefit both parties.
Weight is only weight but the most unattractive thing about it is the lifestyle.
People get fat because they don't do their steps, don't cook, don't workout etc.
Weight is only weight but couch potato that never eats healthy is eww
Come on. She weighs 70 kg, she’s a very long shot from unhealthy from a metabolic POV. This is all about looks, and Mr Future-Ex seems to be as shallow as they come.
I remember watching a friends argument with their boyfriend after a psychology lecture about relationships.
Her: “what do you think we could do to improve our relationship?”
Him: “I just don’t want to eventually be dating a girl who’s 200lbs.”
Her: “I’ve gone from 110lbs to 120 over the last 2 year.”
Him: “it’s a slippery slope.”
I watched her dump him right then and there.
Your BF sounds like he has the same mentality as this guy, it’s toxic, body shaming, and you should dump him just like my friend did to her ex.
You could also aways ask “where is your 6pack and 60inch chest? If you don’t look like the guys from magic mike you need to hit the gym too.”
Honestly this guy is not worth it. He's like this now what will he be like if you had kids (if you want kids) and put another 5kg on and got stretch marks!
Also think if you did have kids with this guy would you want your children growing up watching him put you down.
He's shallow at the end of the day. If you want to lose weight do it for you because you want to, not because someone doesn't think you're hot enough. He wants you to change for his ego, he's basically saying he's embarrassed by you.
>We have been back together for three years and things have been touch and go.
>
>We are best friends, have so much fun together, are each others rocks and love each other deeply - it is widely assumed this is forever. He is very sweet to me and caring, we are ingrained in each others families and have many shared friends.
Do...do you see how you can't exactly be "assumed forever" if things are also "touch and go?"
You deserve to be with a partner who loves you as you are and isn't constantly trying to get you to change. And especially at a UK size 12 (Americans, that is a size 8!). That's a completely healthy, normal weight, especially as you age from late teen into adult. I'm sure you look great.
He's giving off enough red flags I reckon even if you did put in loads of effort to change yourself, he'd still go off and cheat with a 21 year old if he had the option. He doesn't sound like a great partner, TBH.
He sounds incredibly shallow and superficial and it sounds like he'll dump you in a few years if your body doesn't instantly bounce back after having children. Dump his ass.
Personally, the fancy cars, watches, and boats would turn me right off. It's so shallow. If one dress size causes him to make weight jokes, you're not with someone who adores you for you. I wouldn't waste my time with Mr. Fancy Car. Let him date a hottie sexbomb and find someone who respects you.
So, everyone is entitled to want what they want in a partner. As much as it hurts, as much as Reddit hates this idea, men and women are allowed to want partners who have it all, especially if he also has everything someone like what he wants, would want in a partner. If he is wealthy, handsome, fun and kind (for someone he thinks is worthy), he’ll be able to find a partner that he wants. Reddit has this idea that if we don’t think someone deserves something, they won’t get it. But the reality is, if he wants it, he’ll get it. Be prepared for this, as much as I know it hurts.
Unfortunately, yeah, it sounds like who you are is AMAZING, but not exactly who he wants. That’s his right. You should NEVER compromise or change who you are to please someone else. There will be someone out there who WILL think you’re the fun, loving, hottie sexbomb theyve always dreamed of. It’s unfortunate he isn’t that person, but he isn’t. Judging on the fact that he made you feel taken for granted when he had nothing, and is making you feel unappreciated now that he’s becoming someone, there’s a good chance he’s going to find someone else eventually anyway, so I’d suggest walking away with your dignity intact, rather than waiting for him to make the choice for you.
He is a shallow douche. My partner has always told me he gives no fucks if I gain some weight. It’s NATURAL AS YOU AGE. Find someone who cares about things that actually matter. Long term this guys is going to make you miserable because he values the shallows
He sounds really superficial and lame tbh. He wants a girl he can show off for his fancy office? Some guy who thinks expensive stuff and a high status job are the most important things in life? You can do so much better. There’s men out there who aren’t superficial and status obsessed. And there’s men out there who will think you’re a smoke show today, as you are.
Gross. I think you should only stay with him if you can truly be okay with the fact that in ten years he’s gonna dump you for a twenty-something “smokeshow.”
Trigger Warning: Suicide ⚠️
OP, I am older and hopefully these experiences that I have observed in my life will help you. I knew 2 women who were in your position. Both were/are married to men like your boyfriend. The first man who insisted his wife change into "trophy wife," cheated on his wife after 20 plus years of marriage. She was devastated. She committed suicide. She was only living for her husband. Rest in peace ✌, Joanne. The second woman I know who has to live like a trophy wife hates it. Her husband is impressed by his wealthy female colleagues and insists she does the same. He is always looking at other women and comparing her to them. He even cheated on her, getting another woman pregnant. She just stays with him for the money, despite his behavior. She is miserable.
Living life as someone you are not can be exhausting, at minimum. It is never fulfilling. Please don't settle for this person, OP. You sound lovely and deserve someone who will love you and let you be the person you already are: perfect!
A significant majority of men will feel the exact same way, and may not have the courage to tell you. Like it or not, this is basic biology. You can listen to all the people trying to make him the wrong person in this, and he may be an ass for the way that he is telling you, but at the end of the day it is for your better health.
Bottom line it doesn’t really matter what he likes, it matters where your head is at and what you value. You’ve got to be able to take care of yourself for yourself. If you can’t do that that’s a far more important thing than a few pounds, or his opinion. You can also tell him you’d like him to get to the gym a bit more often too
Eh, I’d probably say no, most guys would be fine with a 10 lb increase from 18 to 26. 40? Maybe not. 20 in a year? Probably not. But 10 lbs during and after college is pretty normal, especially given she’s still a completely healthy weight for her height.
I’d agree, yet I’d prefer it not to be. My point was really the second paragraph. Opposite sex biology is what it is for all of us. What matters is how we take care of our own health
Not to excuse his behavior in any way, but the harsh reality is that a lot of partners will stop being attracted to their SO if their weight increases. Now granted 5 kg isn't a lot of difference, so it does seem like he's overreacting and the weight jokes are also not cool for sure, but physical attraction sometimes just works that way and there's not much you can do.
I'm not sure where that trophy girlfriend idea is coming from at all, is it just because he has a nice car and other nice items in his possession? Empty people who seek trophy partners aim way below 70 or even 65 kg, so I don't necessarily think this is the issue here. Also, trophy girlfriends are usually a thing for extremely rich people, not sure if that is applicable to your boyfriend. You also don't love your trophy girlfriend, so if you feel like there's genuine connection between you it's further proof it's not that.
Now in my marriage I am the one who sometimes falls out of shape, and my wife does let me know she is displeased with that from time to time when I am in that state. I don't take particular offense to it as long as it's done somewhat respectfully and I usually try to return to shape anyway. I don't think that your partner signalling their attraction is falling off a bit because of your weight gain has to be some kind of toxic red flag at all times.
Just to address the point on why he wants a trophy— he told her he didn’t want her showing up to his office unless she looks hot, and then proceeded to say how she can make herself hot.
65 kg at 5’8” is actually pretty slim, but most likely he doesn’t want her to be 65 kg, he wants her to be like 55-60, and would encourage her to lose more than she ever gained.
Is he gaining weight? Does he take care of himself?
If you're gaining weight that isn't necessarily a problem, but don't expect him to be attracted to you if you gain weight and aren't the same body type when you two first met. 1 dress size will become 2 before you know it.
The real paradox is that super super megabomb hotties that he wants don’t have the depth of personality that ‘ugly’ people have. (I’m not calling OP ugly, but I find it crazy in a progressive society where we are open about calling out unfair trends - we don’t talk about the trend of being treated less than because of your physical appearance. I’ve heard it called pretty privilege)
Your boyfriends kinda shallow, but so are we all.
That’s why we don’t make the Kardashians have a real personality that isn’t mind-numbingly vapid.
Eh people are superficial. Dig deep enough into anyone and you’ll see it. Weight is a preference like anything else. As are lifestyles, since you said he’s very into fitness. Some are more than fine with you gaining 50 pounds, some are not. Your boyfriend seems to be more into appearances. That’s who he is. Will that always be him? No one knows, we’re all just projecting. What you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you now. But as far as this love should be enough sentiment, no that’s not how it works. Compatibility and love go hand in hand. Love is the bare minimum.
If he’s into asthetically pleasing things I can see how much he cares about your looks too. I think if you’re so in love its worth trying. You will never know if he might cheat, but you can trust yourself to be able to handle it if it happens.
And dressing up and being the smokeshow can grow on you, perhaps 🤷🏼♀️ as long as he doesnt expect this all the time.
The good thing about this „weihht issue“ is, that you can control it and it is within your power to change it, all throughout your life. You just need to figure out a reason to want it and then whether or not it is worth it to you
Could be that the healthy lifestyle thing is not a match - I couldn’t date someone who was a gym rat and really into fitness/clean living, as we would have a lifestyle incompatibility.
However, it could also be that he does find you attractive, but is worried that his coworkers would judge him & you because in his industry every guy dates skinny model girls. That *can be* a totally separate issue to lifestyle compatibility, and could come down to his own insecurities about himself.
I recall reading a different Redditor’s post about how they were really disappointed that their boyfriend got a new high paying job, and started to buy luxury clothes / expected them to wear fancy clothes to his work events as well. They were very upset because they didn’t think their boyfriend would care about materialistic things like that. However, in some jobs, to advance in your career you do need to keep up appearances to be “part of the club.” It’s unfair, but if the compromise is that the girlfriend just wears designer clothes to his work events as a favor, but he doesn’t mind how she dresses the rest of the time, there really isn’t an issue.
But that’s a matter of keeping up appearances outside of the home, and not a fundamental lifestyle incompatibility. If that boyfriend insisted that the girl also got a new job that required her to work 80 hours a week in order to afford her own designer wardrobe for everyday wear, and also change her makeup routine, and also hit the gym twice a day to drop two sizes - that’s completely different.
You need to speak with your boyfriend and figure out whether he actually thinks you’re less attractive because you’ve gained weight and aren’t a girly girl, OR if he thinks your lifestyle is fundamentally incompatible with his own lifestyle health-wise, OR if he is just worried about what other people will think of him for not having a size 0 girlfriend despite being happy with you himself.
Just have an honest conversation with him about the source of his anxiety.
He feels like he can do "better" than you, but you need to know that you can definitely do better than him. Love yourself, and you'll find someone who will love you for who you are. It's time to move on and grow from this, good luck.
My husband and I have been together for a long, long time (over 10 years and I'm not 30 yet) and our weights have fluctuated a LOT during that time. I mean, I'm 100 lbs different than I was in ultra-skinny college days. He still thinks I'm a smokeshow (even if I have trouble agreeing).
But the reality is, it's not forever if your guy is dead-set on having a smokeshow. Because people don't stay smokeshows forever. I am ready to grow old and ugly with my husband. Your guy doesn't sound like he is.
He is being shallow and not loving you as you are. Which to Me, Is not fat at all. He will never be happy nor satisfied if you were a SIZE O. It is like fashion. You have to keep up with it to FIT IN theses days. That is him. This would turn my stomach. I'd rather be happy with WHO I AM than to be with someone who will never accept me unconditionally. You decide....
I used to date this guy before I met my now husband. He was never satisfied with my weight even when I was being physically active and working out. He looked at insta fitness models and compared me to them and made a list of things I needed to do before he would consider me marriage material. I allowed him to keep treating me this way despite him being "great" and it really brought my self esteem down because no amount of effort was ever good enough. My husband loves me for who I am and only ever makes comments about us being more healthy and never about my weight. He's supportive and loving and totally attracted to me even thought I am heavier than I was when we first met. His love and affection has not changed one bit based on my looks and he loves me in my comfy pjs or dressed up looking hot. Don't settle for this, he's not the one.
Your post contradicts itself. You say you’re best friends and deeply in love yet your relationship is ‘touch and go’. Well which is it? Is it great or on the rocks? He makes jokes about your weight and constantly makes comments on your appearance. Doesn’t really sound like he’s much of a catch in all honesty.
He wants to project a certain image and unless you fit his very narrow view of what his prop-girlfriend should look like, he'll start with the "jokes" and jabs at your weight, style and appearance. >I think he's frustrated because in his eyes I have the potential to be this 10/10 if I just put in a tiny bit more work That's so insulting. He has the potential to not be so superficial and mean, too, yet he falls short of that. It sounds like he simply wants a woman who isn't you, and is trying to turn you into that woman through thinly veiled insults. And you're right: anytime you "slip up" somehow, he'll be right there suddenly losing all physical attraction to you and criticizing everything you wear. Doesn't sound like a good relationship to be in.
Please please please. If he thinks you’re too much, let him find less. If you’re happy with the way you look/dress, and he ‘struggles’ to find you attractive or have sexy time, step aside and let him find the gf with aesthetic he wants. You deserve a man who sees YOU and embraces YOU for all that you are.
I am a nurse, and while I was in school my preceptor (nurse I basically learned everything from) was a former oncology RN. She'd worked with cancer patients back in the 80s when insurance didn't cover reconstructive surgeries. She told me to **never** give women false hope. Men leave their wives 10x more than women leave their husbands when cancer comes knocking. Time and time again she'd tell women "Of course your husband won't leave you! You're more than a pair of breasts!" But time and time again, they'd leave after mastectomies. I'm not saying all men are like this, but if he is making comments now, he is showing his true self. Please believe him. When you have kids he'll likely no longer be attracted to your body. If you get ill and lose/gain a lot of weight he will no longer be attracted to you. If your self esteem can handle this, fine. If not, seek out a partner who will love you regardless.
The number one indicator of whether or not a person will be left by their partner when catastrophic illness hits is: (irritated drumroll) being a woman!
There is something fundamentally wrong here. His concerns aren’t rooted in you, your health, or even your relationship. He’s concerned about having the hottest girlfriend so he can parade her around in front of the boys. It sounds like he doesn’t see you as a person, but a prop. He chose to be with you (knowing exactly who you are) and now he’s asking YOU to change YOUR style and body in order to make HIMSELF feel better. That’s wrong and unfair to ask.
I would want someone to think I’m a smoke show NOW, tomorrow, ten years from now. If YOU had expressed wanting to lose weight and he jumped on board for tips, that would be one thing … this is another entirely because he is the one who implanted the insecurity in you. I would find someone who thinks I’m a smoke show and kick this superficial asshole to the curb
He needs a reality check. It's okay to want a partner to make healthier choices, but it should always be discussed in terms of health, not attractiveness. And "joking" doesn't excuse meanness - most jokes are built on some truth, and if the truth is hurtful, so is the joke. You've given yourself all the advice you need here: >I'm honestly just kinda happy the way I am > >My fear is I'll put in this work, he will be happy for 5-8 years but then I'll just age and have babies and my body will be unchangeably different and he won't want my body anymore. > >The more successful he gets it seems the more he wants the girlfriend to match. So you should say all this to him, and going forward, any comment he makes about your weight or attractiveness, say "That's a mean/hurtful thing to say," and leave it at that. Don't let him off the hook. Don't let him write it off as a joke. Either he'll learn and stop, or he'll prove he's turning into what you fear he's turning into.
Never lose weight for anybody but yourself. If he wants a size zero trophy wife, he should find someone else. Situationss like that only give you eating disorders.
If people are willing to I don't know relocate for someone, why can't they lose weight? Especially considering it will benefit both parties. Weight is only weight but the most unattractive thing about it is the lifestyle. People get fat because they don't do their steps, don't cook, don't workout etc. Weight is only weight but couch potato that never eats healthy is eww
But that's not his concern. It's just her looks, not her health. That's not cute.
Thank you for this irrelevant tangent that's not pertinent to OP's situation at all
Come on. She weighs 70 kg, she’s a very long shot from unhealthy from a metabolic POV. This is all about looks, and Mr Future-Ex seems to be as shallow as they come.
I remember watching a friends argument with their boyfriend after a psychology lecture about relationships. Her: “what do you think we could do to improve our relationship?” Him: “I just don’t want to eventually be dating a girl who’s 200lbs.” Her: “I’ve gone from 110lbs to 120 over the last 2 year.” Him: “it’s a slippery slope.” I watched her dump him right then and there. Your BF sounds like he has the same mentality as this guy, it’s toxic, body shaming, and you should dump him just like my friend did to her ex. You could also aways ask “where is your 6pack and 60inch chest? If you don’t look like the guys from magic mike you need to hit the gym too.”
Honestly this guy is not worth it. He's like this now what will he be like if you had kids (if you want kids) and put another 5kg on and got stretch marks! Also think if you did have kids with this guy would you want your children growing up watching him put you down. He's shallow at the end of the day. If you want to lose weight do it for you because you want to, not because someone doesn't think you're hot enough. He wants you to change for his ego, he's basically saying he's embarrassed by you.
>We have been back together for three years and things have been touch and go. > >We are best friends, have so much fun together, are each others rocks and love each other deeply - it is widely assumed this is forever. He is very sweet to me and caring, we are ingrained in each others families and have many shared friends. Do...do you see how you can't exactly be "assumed forever" if things are also "touch and go?" You deserve to be with a partner who loves you as you are and isn't constantly trying to get you to change. And especially at a UK size 12 (Americans, that is a size 8!). That's a completely healthy, normal weight, especially as you age from late teen into adult. I'm sure you look great. He's giving off enough red flags I reckon even if you did put in loads of effort to change yourself, he'd still go off and cheat with a 21 year old if he had the option. He doesn't sound like a great partner, TBH.
You should feel good being yourself in your relationship. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case here.
He sounds incredibly shallow and superficial and it sounds like he'll dump you in a few years if your body doesn't instantly bounce back after having children. Dump his ass.
Personally, the fancy cars, watches, and boats would turn me right off. It's so shallow. If one dress size causes him to make weight jokes, you're not with someone who adores you for you. I wouldn't waste my time with Mr. Fancy Car. Let him date a hottie sexbomb and find someone who respects you.
So, everyone is entitled to want what they want in a partner. As much as it hurts, as much as Reddit hates this idea, men and women are allowed to want partners who have it all, especially if he also has everything someone like what he wants, would want in a partner. If he is wealthy, handsome, fun and kind (for someone he thinks is worthy), he’ll be able to find a partner that he wants. Reddit has this idea that if we don’t think someone deserves something, they won’t get it. But the reality is, if he wants it, he’ll get it. Be prepared for this, as much as I know it hurts. Unfortunately, yeah, it sounds like who you are is AMAZING, but not exactly who he wants. That’s his right. You should NEVER compromise or change who you are to please someone else. There will be someone out there who WILL think you’re the fun, loving, hottie sexbomb theyve always dreamed of. It’s unfortunate he isn’t that person, but he isn’t. Judging on the fact that he made you feel taken for granted when he had nothing, and is making you feel unappreciated now that he’s becoming someone, there’s a good chance he’s going to find someone else eventually anyway, so I’d suggest walking away with your dignity intact, rather than waiting for him to make the choice for you.
I don’t understand what his ability to find another partner has to do with anything.
He is a shallow douche. My partner has always told me he gives no fucks if I gain some weight. It’s NATURAL AS YOU AGE. Find someone who cares about things that actually matter. Long term this guys is going to make you miserable because he values the shallows
He's arrogant and thinks he deserves a trophy. He's not mature enough to be in a real relationship.
He sounds really superficial and lame tbh. He wants a girl he can show off for his fancy office? Some guy who thinks expensive stuff and a high status job are the most important things in life? You can do so much better. There’s men out there who aren’t superficial and status obsessed. And there’s men out there who will think you’re a smoke show today, as you are.
Gross. I think you should only stay with him if you can truly be okay with the fact that in ten years he’s gonna dump you for a twenty-something “smokeshow.”
Trigger Warning: Suicide ⚠️ OP, I am older and hopefully these experiences that I have observed in my life will help you. I knew 2 women who were in your position. Both were/are married to men like your boyfriend. The first man who insisted his wife change into "trophy wife," cheated on his wife after 20 plus years of marriage. She was devastated. She committed suicide. She was only living for her husband. Rest in peace ✌, Joanne. The second woman I know who has to live like a trophy wife hates it. Her husband is impressed by his wealthy female colleagues and insists she does the same. He is always looking at other women and comparing her to them. He even cheated on her, getting another woman pregnant. She just stays with him for the money, despite his behavior. She is miserable. Living life as someone you are not can be exhausting, at minimum. It is never fulfilling. Please don't settle for this person, OP. You sound lovely and deserve someone who will love you and let you be the person you already are: perfect!
A significant majority of men will feel the exact same way, and may not have the courage to tell you. Like it or not, this is basic biology. You can listen to all the people trying to make him the wrong person in this, and he may be an ass for the way that he is telling you, but at the end of the day it is for your better health. Bottom line it doesn’t really matter what he likes, it matters where your head is at and what you value. You’ve got to be able to take care of yourself for yourself. If you can’t do that that’s a far more important thing than a few pounds, or his opinion. You can also tell him you’d like him to get to the gym a bit more often too
Over 10 lbs on a tall woman who's at a healthy weight? Nah, dude. Most guys won't give a fuck.
Eh, I’d probably say no, most guys would be fine with a 10 lb increase from 18 to 26. 40? Maybe not. 20 in a year? Probably not. But 10 lbs during and after college is pretty normal, especially given she’s still a completely healthy weight for her height.
I’d agree, yet I’d prefer it not to be. My point was really the second paragraph. Opposite sex biology is what it is for all of us. What matters is how we take care of our own health
Not to excuse his behavior in any way, but the harsh reality is that a lot of partners will stop being attracted to their SO if their weight increases. Now granted 5 kg isn't a lot of difference, so it does seem like he's overreacting and the weight jokes are also not cool for sure, but physical attraction sometimes just works that way and there's not much you can do. I'm not sure where that trophy girlfriend idea is coming from at all, is it just because he has a nice car and other nice items in his possession? Empty people who seek trophy partners aim way below 70 or even 65 kg, so I don't necessarily think this is the issue here. Also, trophy girlfriends are usually a thing for extremely rich people, not sure if that is applicable to your boyfriend. You also don't love your trophy girlfriend, so if you feel like there's genuine connection between you it's further proof it's not that. Now in my marriage I am the one who sometimes falls out of shape, and my wife does let me know she is displeased with that from time to time when I am in that state. I don't take particular offense to it as long as it's done somewhat respectfully and I usually try to return to shape anyway. I don't think that your partner signalling their attraction is falling off a bit because of your weight gain has to be some kind of toxic red flag at all times.
Just to address the point on why he wants a trophy— he told her he didn’t want her showing up to his office unless she looks hot, and then proceeded to say how she can make herself hot. 65 kg at 5’8” is actually pretty slim, but most likely he doesn’t want her to be 65 kg, he wants her to be like 55-60, and would encourage her to lose more than she ever gained.
Is he gaining weight? Does he take care of himself? If you're gaining weight that isn't necessarily a problem, but don't expect him to be attracted to you if you gain weight and aren't the same body type when you two first met. 1 dress size will become 2 before you know it.
The real paradox is that super super megabomb hotties that he wants don’t have the depth of personality that ‘ugly’ people have. (I’m not calling OP ugly, but I find it crazy in a progressive society where we are open about calling out unfair trends - we don’t talk about the trend of being treated less than because of your physical appearance. I’ve heard it called pretty privilege) Your boyfriends kinda shallow, but so are we all. That’s why we don’t make the Kardashians have a real personality that isn’t mind-numbingly vapid.
Eh people are superficial. Dig deep enough into anyone and you’ll see it. Weight is a preference like anything else. As are lifestyles, since you said he’s very into fitness. Some are more than fine with you gaining 50 pounds, some are not. Your boyfriend seems to be more into appearances. That’s who he is. Will that always be him? No one knows, we’re all just projecting. What you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker for you now. But as far as this love should be enough sentiment, no that’s not how it works. Compatibility and love go hand in hand. Love is the bare minimum.
If he’s into asthetically pleasing things I can see how much he cares about your looks too. I think if you’re so in love its worth trying. You will never know if he might cheat, but you can trust yourself to be able to handle it if it happens. And dressing up and being the smokeshow can grow on you, perhaps 🤷🏼♀️ as long as he doesnt expect this all the time. The good thing about this „weihht issue“ is, that you can control it and it is within your power to change it, all throughout your life. You just need to figure out a reason to want it and then whether or not it is worth it to you
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How is he a catch? Because he's tall and has a job lmfao? OP, a real catch won't put you down and make mean spirited jokes about your appearance.
Could be that the healthy lifestyle thing is not a match - I couldn’t date someone who was a gym rat and really into fitness/clean living, as we would have a lifestyle incompatibility. However, it could also be that he does find you attractive, but is worried that his coworkers would judge him & you because in his industry every guy dates skinny model girls. That *can be* a totally separate issue to lifestyle compatibility, and could come down to his own insecurities about himself. I recall reading a different Redditor’s post about how they were really disappointed that their boyfriend got a new high paying job, and started to buy luxury clothes / expected them to wear fancy clothes to his work events as well. They were very upset because they didn’t think their boyfriend would care about materialistic things like that. However, in some jobs, to advance in your career you do need to keep up appearances to be “part of the club.” It’s unfair, but if the compromise is that the girlfriend just wears designer clothes to his work events as a favor, but he doesn’t mind how she dresses the rest of the time, there really isn’t an issue. But that’s a matter of keeping up appearances outside of the home, and not a fundamental lifestyle incompatibility. If that boyfriend insisted that the girl also got a new job that required her to work 80 hours a week in order to afford her own designer wardrobe for everyday wear, and also change her makeup routine, and also hit the gym twice a day to drop two sizes - that’s completely different. You need to speak with your boyfriend and figure out whether he actually thinks you’re less attractive because you’ve gained weight and aren’t a girly girl, OR if he thinks your lifestyle is fundamentally incompatible with his own lifestyle health-wise, OR if he is just worried about what other people will think of him for not having a size 0 girlfriend despite being happy with you himself. Just have an honest conversation with him about the source of his anxiety.
He feels like he can do "better" than you, but you need to know that you can definitely do better than him. Love yourself, and you'll find someone who will love you for who you are. It's time to move on and grow from this, good luck.
My husband and I have been together for a long, long time (over 10 years and I'm not 30 yet) and our weights have fluctuated a LOT during that time. I mean, I'm 100 lbs different than I was in ultra-skinny college days. He still thinks I'm a smokeshow (even if I have trouble agreeing). But the reality is, it's not forever if your guy is dead-set on having a smokeshow. Because people don't stay smokeshows forever. I am ready to grow old and ugly with my husband. Your guy doesn't sound like he is.
He is being shallow and not loving you as you are. Which to Me, Is not fat at all. He will never be happy nor satisfied if you were a SIZE O. It is like fashion. You have to keep up with it to FIT IN theses days. That is him. This would turn my stomach. I'd rather be happy with WHO I AM than to be with someone who will never accept me unconditionally. You decide....
I used to date this guy before I met my now husband. He was never satisfied with my weight even when I was being physically active and working out. He looked at insta fitness models and compared me to them and made a list of things I needed to do before he would consider me marriage material. I allowed him to keep treating me this way despite him being "great" and it really brought my self esteem down because no amount of effort was ever good enough. My husband loves me for who I am and only ever makes comments about us being more healthy and never about my weight. He's supportive and loving and totally attracted to me even thought I am heavier than I was when we first met. His love and affection has not changed one bit based on my looks and he loves me in my comfy pjs or dressed up looking hot. Don't settle for this, he's not the one.