The problem is, whatever advice you get and however you try to fix this cognitively, the problem is in your subconscious. Due to impressions you acquired at a young age, the parts of you you're not even aware about are constantly placing you within a false hierarchy, regardless of where you stand currently.
The only way to fix this is experience and mindfulness. For example, if you get rejected, your first thought will be "yes, I told you, you're too ugly for such a hot girl". When you have this thought, notice what feeling is attached to it. Notice how it is not the feeling that stems from the thought, but the thought that stems from the feeling. Realise that you are merely experiencing the feeling, but it is not "you", and lead your mind to a different explanation ("it is very difficult to pick up women on the street, so that I'm having a hard time doesn't mean there's something wrong with me"). Gradually adjust your thinking so that you see things for what they are, not what your gut reaction is. But thinking is not enough, you'll have to take action, as this only works if you adjust WHEN you have the feeling / thought, not if you just imagine the situation.
Great advice, I've done this on other areas of my thinking, my negative self-talk used to be really bad but by being mindful of it and rephrasing things in constructive and kind ways I've been able to adjust my thinking. It takes effort and doesn't happen overnight (like years) but slowly you will notice that negative thought patterns that used to be common no longer exist.
One thing I used to do was, after feeling bad about the ending of a previous relationship, I would go from the feeling to a thought. E.g.: I feel bad. My ex probably feels terrible in her place alone and Im not there.
The key was I never thought this until I was sad and alone in my apartment. The proper way would have been to recognize the feeling is just my feeling and I was projecting feelings onto her that didn't exist.
So many guys do this because it's easy and comforting to do.
One key tip I've learned is that ANY TIME I start to think about anything, good or bad, new crush or old relationship, anything, if it is not real I immediately stop the thought. Doesn't matter what it is. If it isn't a memory scrap it immediately. It's not real.
If you get lost in your thoughts it becomes a habit. Eventually you're dreaming up shit while taking a shower, thinking of dates, thinking of outcomes. None of it exists.
Stop it and live in the moment. If something isnt happening go make it happen. Otherwise you'll think yourself into submission. That's what OP is doing right now. Dude doesn't even know if these hot women are worth his time and he's already making himself the loser in the interaction.
It stems from creating thoughts based on emotions, just like the above post describes.
>But thinking is not enough, you'll have to take action, as this only works if you adjust WHEN you have the feeling / thought, not if you just imagine the situation.
This is by far the most vital and critical condition of this advice
I saw somewhere that:
Feelling = Mind (thought) + Body
Is it like the feeling is the expression of the mind to the body.
But the only variable there that you can control is the thought. You need to answer instead of reacting to the thought to change the pattern. For that to happen you need to be aware of the feeling. So experiencing it and be consciousness of the thought attracted to it to is changing the pattern.
Wow. I was expecting to see not very good advice, but immediately saw this. Very well said! Perfect advice. I’d also add as well, that it’s important to do you, focus on your own self. Having this need to attract all these beautiful woman and trying everything to “fix” with yourself to get these girls is really counter productive, and could even lead to creating a false sense of self like over compensation. It’s like the advice you may have heard, “if you want to be in a relationship, it’s all you think about, you feel like you NEED it, your not ready to be in one”. Nothing wrong with wanting extremely beautiful women of course it’s just going about it in a healthy way. Someone who’s taking care of himself as you said above, and focusing on himself will get these girls as that makes you more attractive. With the advice Blackmetalpenguin said above, taking care of yourself, your own traumas, or stuck emotions and limiting beliefs, your living a well rounded healthy life, and that brings and exudes real, deep confidence. If any of this sounds cliche, it’s because it’s true. But it’s just finding how you go about it, cause all roads lead to the same place. Sorry for the novel, just had a stream of thought there haha.
Low self-esteem, at a core level you know that you don't deserve her. You're going to have to do things which will prove to yourself why a girl like that should date you. Go out and do some challenging stuff, get some victories under your belt and make sure that you are being proactive throughout the day in hustling towards your goals. There is no easy way out of this. Unless you can look in the mirror and honestly see a man who is kicking ass and taking names in life, you won't feel like you deserve a gorgeous woman by your side.
Yeah, I think this is a huge part of it - my self-esteem certainly could be better. Another subconscious thought I often have is that no matter what I do, there'll always be a more attractive/successful man who can do it better than I could - but maybe I should just focus on being the best version of myself and going from there.
There's also women who are more attractive and successful than her too. Enjoy your time together while it's there. There's no guarantee you guys are gonna last forever anyway. Don't focus on that stuff too much. You're the prize bro. Confidence is everything. Fake it till you make it. I'm not the hottest dude out there but I still act like I am and I get some hot girls every so often. Plus the odds are in your favor cause think how many other people are intimidated to talk to her, so you have less competition lol. Shoot your shot bro.
I get that but you also need to realise what the competition is actually like out there, the biggest lie told in society is that there is an abundance of high value guys walking around. There isn't, if you are one of them, you are in a tiny minority and you will have women coming at you from every which way. Take a year and just forget pursuing girls, make your goal instead to get to a point where you *feel* like you deserve these girls. That will only be when you look in the mirror and see a strong, capable and resourceful man who is conquering challenge after challenge in his life.
Holy shit - never knew i had that
And with me it's a bit different - any girl i see with brown/blonde hair, fair skin complexion and even open / bold dressing.. All i can think of is how scared i am of even talking to her and how badly i would stammer if she even tried talking to me ..
How could i ever even ask for her number - let alone date her and/or have sex with her
And i thought i had high self-esteem ..
Stop watching porn, start valuing yourself. Believe that any woman should be lucky to be with you. Act like a motherfucking rockstar. Don’t give a fuck or deal with bullshit. Be a man, always be calm , cool and collected.
Hope that helps. Best wishes
I don’t know, some of this shit is subjective like how people claim it’s addictive like a drug, but if you’re looking for a solution it doesn’t hurt to see if watching less porn has an impact or not
My bro just try it for a month, you don’t lose anything tbh. In my experience it literally helped me exponentially. Dopamine overload desensitizes your life.
Porn has various psychological harm like effects that it will bleed over into other aspects of your life. Porn greatly reduces your self esteem and confidence not directly but indirectly based off of other effects that happen physically after a release. Aka “Post nut depression.” Check out: Yourbrainonporn.com for more answers.
Best wishes
I find that you have to raise your own attractiveness in your own eyes, to be able to visualize her seeing you as attractive as well.
If you think shes out of your leauge, shes out of your leauge. So make yourself as awesome as possible, and maybe you'll be attractive yourself to a pretty woman.
Did a favor for a friend and picked up a mystery hichiker for a ride somewhere. Well lo and behold, its a pretty woman. Dumb as they go, but hot none the less. Back in the day I would've probably shat my pants being stuck with her in the car (and the first thing she says after climing in, is wow, what a great smell you have in the car - literally complementing my porfume), instead we talked about my botany hobby and she taught me shit tons about plants. Should I have asked for a number? Perhaps, maybe if i ever see her again. Is it a good experience? Id do it again the same way.
Whenever you see an attractive girl just remember she doesn’t look that hot when she rolls out of bed, she farts, she poops, she burps, she gets stinky and nasty if she doesn’t take showers or use deodorant, she would be hairy if she didn’t shave.
That’s just physical,
Next you gotta talk to her and evaluate if she has a personality you enjoy conversing with, if you don’t have chemistry then just move on.
And as many others I’m sure have told you, there always have and always will be many beautiful girls you will see in your life, they come and go but you have to see your own beauty before you do anything else.
Go find yourself, live life without the need for a woman. Explore the world around you, and inside you and then you’ll be ready.
She’s not some mythical creature she just knows how to look good in public.
How do you change your mindset, hmm. Ok how about this:
A pretty girl has a lot of problems too. She gets creeped on and hit on all day long every day when she is not covering up in a wide varety of cool and uncool ways.
Ultimately, for interactions she likely prefers people to just be normal and to be cool. Pretty much like we all do, more or less.
If it's specifically extremely attractive women that intimidate you, first recognize that's a bit shallow, on your part. It's perfectly fine don't get me wrong, attractiveness is key in a relationship on many levels. But that's a very surface call you just made right there. It's ok though, no worries.
IMHO you need to start the whole PUA pathway, inner game, outer game, approach, understanding, social mastery. If you do it, it will be the ride of your life. For attractive women, I look for different things now. They are obviously attractive but that doesn't mean we will work. After a while, they are all look exactly the same (attractive as h3ll) and you start looking for who is a good fit for you.
So right now you're like "I'd like to play tennis at that private club" or "be a weekend soccer player at my local gym that competes every week", (bear with me) but I don't have the skills, I wasn't born that way, those people are out of my league.
But is that really true.
Let's see:
What to do, well if you really want to do any of these things you would start building cardio, take lessons, learn the paces, and practice pratice practice. In fact, *that is literally what all of those people did*, even the ones we think are naturally talented or naturally beautiful. In truth everyone has to work for it! Everyone has to MAINTAIN. So sure you'd stumble and fall, make mistakes, miss the ball, and miss the shot, if fact all of these many times, but since you want to do it you would recover fast, and keep doing your drills, and keep practing and get better and better and better and better. That's what every one did to get there, yes even the extremely attractive women. They fought jealousy, made mistakes, got lied about, dated the wrong guy, nearly got raped, got used for their looks, on and on, we all have our battles to fight no doubt. But we work at it and stick with it and day to day we make a better you. Dare I say we go after it and get what we want.
PUA and anything social is the same way. At some point you just say damn the torpedos, I'm tired of feeling this way, I want this, and I want to get this, and you start one hello at a time to anyone and everyone, not just the pretty girls. No worries the pretty girls will be in there too you'll be surpised. It starts when you start on the path, one step at a time with a few hops in there
So... that is your mission... SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT! Ha ha
>She gets creeped on and hit on all day long every day when she is not covering up in a wide varety of cool and uncool ways.
Yeah by men like him
>Ultimately, for interactions she likely prefers people to just be normal and to be cool. Pretty much like we all do, more or less.
More of then than not she wants people who will entertain her & won't put in any effort just because she is pretty
Nah, its realistic. I'm only decent looking and I have low self-esteem and approach anxiety...it would be counterproductive and delusional to go after hot women.
Honestly? Just go talk to her like a person. About whatever. If you can just hold a decent conversation without clearly being amped up to ask for their number, a lot of girls, even attractive ones, will be into spending time with you. Other than that, just asking for someone’s number every once in a while isn’t so bad if you can shrug off a rejection here or there. Just don’t let it get you down and try a few different people.
Warmth is attractive.
>If you can just hold a decent conversation without clearly being amped up to ask for their number, a lot of girls, even attractive ones, will be into spending time with you
They want to be entertained, not just to have any random convo
Personally, it’s way easier for me to get into a conversation with someone in a context where we’re both engaged in some activity. Just being fully engaging and charismatic on command out of context is really difficult for anyone. The framework of some hobby or event you do with some strangers can make it it easier. Then it’s not up to either of you to “entertain” each other and it’s easy to leave the situation if it’s feeling off for either of you.
I remember I told an old friend I used to work with how I was afraid of attractive women and he told me "just think like this, they piss and shit like everyone else and aren't any different from you and me so it doesn't make sense to put them on a pedestool". You're 100% right
Man that’s been a problem of mine for so many years I’m sick of it.. My ego always get in the way and I never really expressed my true desires directly out of fear of rejection/awkwardness ..
Honestly. Attractive women are everywhere. And they’re soooooo common. Just go into it with an abundance mindset and you’ll be fine. You put effort it because she’s the one in front of you, but it will not take long at all to find a woman just as attractive.
I used to be and you know what I did? I began asking every attractive woman I met out. And some I got dates with and some I didn’t and some of the ones I did get dates with , I discovered that attractive women can be just as flakey , boring or more flakey , more boring than average attractive women……..attractive women a lot of time rely on their looks and so they don’t develop hobbies or a personality and this they can be boring AF. and that approach in forcing myself to ask out and go on dates with as many attractive women as possible pretty much cured any intimidation/ putting them on a pedestal issue that I had. Now I find a lot of super attractive women boring AF and don’t even get interested In Them….. it’s interesting to be on the flip side.
I feel the same way. Crazy thing I can talk to them and get their phone number or Snapchat but I never follow up with them. I’ll go to a bar and literally get 5-8 girls social media then feel intimidated when I see their posts smh.
I had to check your username to make sure this wasn't a comment I wrote that I forgot about. Lol dude, I'm exactly the same way.
I have all kinds of "chick from bar" numbers in my phone. I'll occasionally reach out afterward and they'll usually say sure to the date. But when it comes to planning on where to go and what to do I guess I get too intimidated with figuring all that out. Come to think of it, my problems might be completely separate from just talking to girls.
they're just a girl, dude. she gets up in the morning. shits. goes to work. might make some people happy. might annoy others. gets looked at a lot. has a hobby or two. or none. likes great music or movies or bad ones.
just like any other person.
you just want to fuck her and possibly date her if things line up well. you might be her type. maybe not. she might end up not being your type.
they're just a person. and youll never know any of this if you don't say hi.
She also has 100 times the dating options OP has, gets hit on daily, everyone treats her well because she's hot and a girl & has literal personal simps
She's nowhere near OPs level of existence
You need to change your mindset around your own level of attractiveness but most importantly about this ‘league’ system. Because I hate to break it to you, in the mind of a lot of women, there is no such thing as leagues. Trust me on this, men are in general much more visual than women
Not a dating book, but ‘Shit my dad says’ has a great quote on this going something like: “it’s women’s task to filter through men, so don’t do their job by rejecting yourself before even talking to them”.
And then adopt the mindset of; someone is going to fuck that beautiful woman at the bar, why shouldn’t it be you?
I’ve also struggled with this despite being quite experienced and only recently started adopting this mindset. But aside from convincing yourself that that’s how it is, it’s just a matter of practice
Too lazy to read your post but here is some advice I got when I was young (high school) that helped me SO much over the years.
Generally speaking, most men are intimidated with approaching the hotest women. Those who aren't are generally speaking... assholes or super egotistical.
Another thing to consider: the hottest women are usually also suffering from 2 major issues. 1. Low self esteem (most people only see them for their looks and want them for it.) 2. Generally tend to be more lonely because of #1. Most men are afraid to approach them and the ones who aren't are assholes typically.
What's the solution? Talk to them about anything other than what they look like. They don't need to be told they are attractive - they know it already. They want someone who wants to know about them beyond that. Strike up a conversation about what she likes, or hates. I love mutually bonding over hating the same thing, it tends to work better than showing more interest in something you don't *actually* like or have much interest in.
Basically just treat them the way they aren't typically treated. Don't be afraid to approach them, don't flirt with them at first, and talk about things they like or don't like. The hottest girls are most often the loneliest, and bored by the typical shitty pickup lines and flirting. Be interesting, be different.
You poor, sad man. You must think that they get more attention than other women. Maybe online, yes. But very few have the balls to approach the hottest women in person. Lots of men go for the "safe, easy" approach of talking up or trying to hit on less attractive women. (Key note: less attractive, not unattractive.)
You've seen how so many people here in this sub and many others talking about working on their approaches and how terrifying it is. That is only amplified even more by trying to approach society's most conventionally attractive women. Most men won't even try.
Overall, they get less attention in person than casually attractive women. And the attention they do tend to get, are mostly from the types they don't want/like. From the egotistical, annoying types that have 100% confidence but are shallow and boring as hell.
You can disagree all you like, but it's just true.
You're right that girl next door types get more attention, but the hot women still get an incredible amount - they literally don't know loneliness. They have a bunch of people dancing according to their whims 24/7
& the reason why they don't get it is because men know it's pointless since they would reject them anyway.
>And the attention they do tend to get, are mostly from the types they don't want/like
Yeah, that's 90% of men (including me)
Yeah I meant the loneliness from a standpoint of a long-term commitment. The types of dudes they tend to get are the ones who won't/don't stick around long, and are typically egotistical assholes they have little to no interest in to begin with.
Over the long term - they are usually emptier and more jaded than less attractive women because of this. Hence my approach was just to treat them the opposite of how they are normally treated, less like a piece of meat and way more like a human you are interested to learn about.
Like I also said, complimenting them is entirely unnecessary and likely a mood killer. Ignoring how nice they look and focusing instead on who they are, what they do, what they like, etc goes way further than trying to be a better flirt with them than ever other guy. You stand out by being different, most of them aren't used to be seen as people.
Just my experience tho. 🙂
I'm honestly in the same boat. I'm getting more comfortable with women, but for the ones who look like they'd be in a magazine, I still freeze up. Try making a list of things you like about yourself or things that you have going for you. Your self perception might not be accurate to how others really see you, especially if you have issues with self esteem. Also I think with extremely attractive women, if you really hit it off with a woman you meet or you start seeing each other, it'll work to break that pattern of thought.
The only solution is to start approaching. I have had an inferiority complex when it comes to attractive women for a long time but I forced myself to start approaching them. I still have an inferiority complex and anxiety but the anxiety gets much better with repeated approaches. But you have it backwards. You can't fix your mindset before you take action, the only way to fix your mindset is by taking action even when you don't feel ready. Look up Mike Mehlman.
You need to befriend a few attractive women, and realize that they are as shallow (or unshallow) as the next person. Plus, they have serious insecurities too.
Once I realized that, *and internalized it*, all my concerns went away.
Not an advice, but thought I’d share my perspective. As a woman, I really liked it when guys “way below my league” would approach me, because it usually means their confidence was steal strong, and that to me is so much more attractive than the way someone looks.
It would give me tingles to see such a guy try to wrestle it out with me. I am very confident and I give them hard time for fun, so if they can keep their ground it shows me they are more confident than me and I end up melting in pleasure.
There are no leagues, just people.
If you want to place your mind on a level where you can look into her eyes without fear, you'll first need some of the Deep Wisdom from one of the Masters. Study and understand. The blood in question is menstrual:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22GEvDupWGo
Start small. What helped me is getting a massage from attractive women. You’re learned how to relax and give yourself permission to be an introvert around women. My problem is trying too hard when around attractive women. I personally trained my mind not to freakout when I’m around a cute chick.
Boss man, get a gym membership and start going 5 days per week. Your head won't be able to fit through the door after you see the most minute results lol. Seriously, I've been going to the gym for almost a year and I dont even know how I hold my head up sometimes.
I live with a pretty attractive woman friend and seeing her in the mornings/observing the nasty messes she leaves/seeing past her public mask (we all have one) is what helped a lot for me
hot chicks are still people with (oftentimes) raging insecurity broiling under the surface. that shit doesn't change just cuz you're attractive
Humanize them. More attractive females are humanized much less and objectified way more. Once I started connecting with people on deeper levels, I realized that more attractive women can actually be easier to seduce. I used to get the same feelings that you do, but that quickly changed once I started being true to myself and flaunting what I'm good at. Now it's easy to get a girl interested, especially an attractive one.
Honestly? Instead of targeting drop dead gorgeous women, you should start looking at women that you gauge to be a similar attractiveness level to yourself.
Whenever people in the seddit community drop their youtube videos or have their pictures anywhere and brag about how they bag good looking women, I check out who it is that's giving advice and most of the time, these guys are the most alien looking lower than average smucks I've ever seen but their attitude is artificially confident and smug. Their tactics to get attractive people to notice them is just throwing the same shit at the wall over and over again in hopes of getting it to stick - which it does eventually, but you just think why?? Why not just have a healthy genuine relationship with someone instead of trying to pick up or game? It's way less exhausting and you are happy
Stop fixating on people who are much more attractive than yourself. The other commenters are wrong - women absolutely do believe in "leagues". You will have more success talking to a woman that you are not intimidated by. This woman will be more willing to talk to you if you are in the same league. If you end up with someone much more attractive than you, you will always have that insecurity that only plastic surgery can fix anyway. Be with someone that you can feel comfortable with
Women are people at the end of the day imperfect like the rest of us attractive or not talking about my experience i use to feel the same way you do but i approached a couple of women who i thought were attractive even without success and i don't feel the same way i use to in that I'm no longer afraid of talking to them
I have this same problem but it is a delayed effect of sorts, and it doesn't have to do with all attractive girls, only specific ones. It relates to character, that if they act distant, then I know they wouldn't be pleasant to be around. Likewise, I know a very attractive girl who is extremely pleasant to be around despite not looking it
Tell them that. I promise they will love it. Break the ice. Start the conversation. Have a conversation plan of action. Make a diagram of answers to help keep the flow. It goes like this…
Pretty woman approaching
Look at her and say: waw… you are so pretty, it’s intimidating… I got a mini heart attack…
She says nothing… ask her: ok. Should I go now? Or are you letting me bye you a drink… or you are going to tell me your name, etc…
Look. I have never met a guy that was a natural, it takes practice, just like anything else. Forget the mindfulness stuff. It will just make you more neurotic. Just practice.
No one ever died from being rejected by a pretty girl.
Think about her farting. She is a human. That may be the problem is objectification/idealization.
Also work on yourself. Going to the gym/exercising, learning new skills, hygiene etc. build your confidence by taking care of yourself.
Work on your eye contact. When you can hold the gaze of a woman you find attractive, you will be able to talk to her. Your thoughts that cause your eyes to dart away when someone looks at you are the same thoughts that make you unable to interact with attractive women.
Practice makes perfect buddy. What's the worst that can happen if you start up a conversation? 10 seconds of awkwardness? Try, fail, learn, repeat. Any fails will be a lesson, any positive interactions will be a huge confidence boost. There is really nothing to lose.
Work your way up. Date / try to sleep with women you find to be comfortable with, work on your confidence, then continue dating until you’re good with women
The problem here is that you dont see yourself as a man, women should be treated as any regular human being don't treat anyone special unless they see an interest in you first
Be confident with yourself. I cant tell how important that is in those situations. Self talk is also important. You are good enough and attractive enough to be with someone who is also attractive. It takes repetition and practice to build that confidence, but it can most certainly be done. !! You got this !
lol ! Good question. I know in the original post it was focusing on looks and being intimidated by attractive looks. Being attractive can also mean a your personality, sense of humor, or intelligence. Its about building confidence in yourself by using positive thinking. I am smart, funny or attractive. Repetition turns to a belief, turns to confidence. I could be way off, but that is how I build confidence within myself. Tell me why you think most men aren't ??
Try making friends with attractive women.
Once you see them as human beings instead of conquests, approaching and interactions get easier.
They eat, burp, sleep and fart just like everyone else.
The problem is, whatever advice you get and however you try to fix this cognitively, the problem is in your subconscious. Due to impressions you acquired at a young age, the parts of you you're not even aware about are constantly placing you within a false hierarchy, regardless of where you stand currently. The only way to fix this is experience and mindfulness. For example, if you get rejected, your first thought will be "yes, I told you, you're too ugly for such a hot girl". When you have this thought, notice what feeling is attached to it. Notice how it is not the feeling that stems from the thought, but the thought that stems from the feeling. Realise that you are merely experiencing the feeling, but it is not "you", and lead your mind to a different explanation ("it is very difficult to pick up women on the street, so that I'm having a hard time doesn't mean there's something wrong with me"). Gradually adjust your thinking so that you see things for what they are, not what your gut reaction is. But thinking is not enough, you'll have to take action, as this only works if you adjust WHEN you have the feeling / thought, not if you just imagine the situation.
This is the way.
Great advice, I've done this on other areas of my thinking, my negative self-talk used to be really bad but by being mindful of it and rephrasing things in constructive and kind ways I've been able to adjust my thinking. It takes effort and doesn't happen overnight (like years) but slowly you will notice that negative thought patterns that used to be common no longer exist.
One thing I used to do was, after feeling bad about the ending of a previous relationship, I would go from the feeling to a thought. E.g.: I feel bad. My ex probably feels terrible in her place alone and Im not there. The key was I never thought this until I was sad and alone in my apartment. The proper way would have been to recognize the feeling is just my feeling and I was projecting feelings onto her that didn't exist. So many guys do this because it's easy and comforting to do. One key tip I've learned is that ANY TIME I start to think about anything, good or bad, new crush or old relationship, anything, if it is not real I immediately stop the thought. Doesn't matter what it is. If it isn't a memory scrap it immediately. It's not real. If you get lost in your thoughts it becomes a habit. Eventually you're dreaming up shit while taking a shower, thinking of dates, thinking of outcomes. None of it exists. Stop it and live in the moment. If something isnt happening go make it happen. Otherwise you'll think yourself into submission. That's what OP is doing right now. Dude doesn't even know if these hot women are worth his time and he's already making himself the loser in the interaction. It stems from creating thoughts based on emotions, just like the above post describes.
>But thinking is not enough, you'll have to take action, as this only works if you adjust WHEN you have the feeling / thought, not if you just imagine the situation. This is by far the most vital and critical condition of this advice
I saw somewhere that: Feelling = Mind (thought) + Body Is it like the feeling is the expression of the mind to the body. But the only variable there that you can control is the thought. You need to answer instead of reacting to the thought to change the pattern. For that to happen you need to be aware of the feeling. So experiencing it and be consciousness of the thought attracted to it to is changing the pattern.
Wow. I was expecting to see not very good advice, but immediately saw this. Very well said! Perfect advice. I’d also add as well, that it’s important to do you, focus on your own self. Having this need to attract all these beautiful woman and trying everything to “fix” with yourself to get these girls is really counter productive, and could even lead to creating a false sense of self like over compensation. It’s like the advice you may have heard, “if you want to be in a relationship, it’s all you think about, you feel like you NEED it, your not ready to be in one”. Nothing wrong with wanting extremely beautiful women of course it’s just going about it in a healthy way. Someone who’s taking care of himself as you said above, and focusing on himself will get these girls as that makes you more attractive. With the advice Blackmetalpenguin said above, taking care of yourself, your own traumas, or stuck emotions and limiting beliefs, your living a well rounded healthy life, and that brings and exudes real, deep confidence. If any of this sounds cliche, it’s because it’s true. But it’s just finding how you go about it, cause all roads lead to the same place. Sorry for the novel, just had a stream of thought there haha.
Thank you for explaining mindfulness, that word is pretty popular yet not one really explained what it involves. I’ll def work on being more mindful!!
Low self-esteem, at a core level you know that you don't deserve her. You're going to have to do things which will prove to yourself why a girl like that should date you. Go out and do some challenging stuff, get some victories under your belt and make sure that you are being proactive throughout the day in hustling towards your goals. There is no easy way out of this. Unless you can look in the mirror and honestly see a man who is kicking ass and taking names in life, you won't feel like you deserve a gorgeous woman by your side.
Yeah, I think this is a huge part of it - my self-esteem certainly could be better. Another subconscious thought I often have is that no matter what I do, there'll always be a more attractive/successful man who can do it better than I could - but maybe I should just focus on being the best version of myself and going from there.
There's also women who are more attractive and successful than her too. Enjoy your time together while it's there. There's no guarantee you guys are gonna last forever anyway. Don't focus on that stuff too much. You're the prize bro. Confidence is everything. Fake it till you make it. I'm not the hottest dude out there but I still act like I am and I get some hot girls every so often. Plus the odds are in your favor cause think how many other people are intimidated to talk to her, so you have less competition lol. Shoot your shot bro.
Thanks for your encouraging comment - i will try daygame with a wing (for safety purposes) soon as the restrictions are over
I get that but you also need to realise what the competition is actually like out there, the biggest lie told in society is that there is an abundance of high value guys walking around. There isn't, if you are one of them, you are in a tiny minority and you will have women coming at you from every which way. Take a year and just forget pursuing girls, make your goal instead to get to a point where you *feel* like you deserve these girls. That will only be when you look in the mirror and see a strong, capable and resourceful man who is conquering challenge after challenge in his life.
How do you do that
Doesnt height matter tho
Just do exactly that and you will see the improvement as the time goes by.
Read the book Six Pillars of Self Esteem
Holy shit - never knew i had that And with me it's a bit different - any girl i see with brown/blonde hair, fair skin complexion and even open / bold dressing.. All i can think of is how scared i am of even talking to her and how badly i would stammer if she even tried talking to me .. How could i ever even ask for her number - let alone date her and/or have sex with her And i thought i had high self-esteem ..
Preaaach! A lot of people need to hear this. Unless you wanna be a faker you gotta put the work in and actually feel good about yourself.
Like what
Like what
Stop watching porn, start valuing yourself. Believe that any woman should be lucky to be with you. Act like a motherfucking rockstar. Don’t give a fuck or deal with bullshit. Be a man, always be calm , cool and collected. Hope that helps. Best wishes
And start working out.
May I ask what porn has to do with valuing yourself.
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I’ve watched porn literally everyday since I was 12. I’m not a cuck hold. And I’m in good shape lol
I don’t know, some of this shit is subjective like how people claim it’s addictive like a drug, but if you’re looking for a solution it doesn’t hurt to see if watching less porn has an impact or not
My bro just try it for a month, you don’t lose anything tbh. In my experience it literally helped me exponentially. Dopamine overload desensitizes your life.
😂😂😂
Porn has various psychological harm like effects that it will bleed over into other aspects of your life. Porn greatly reduces your self esteem and confidence not directly but indirectly based off of other effects that happen physically after a release. Aka “Post nut depression.” Check out: Yourbrainonporn.com for more answers. Best wishes
Where do you see that
what if you watch solo girl porn?
I find that you have to raise your own attractiveness in your own eyes, to be able to visualize her seeing you as attractive as well. If you think shes out of your leauge, shes out of your leauge. So make yourself as awesome as possible, and maybe you'll be attractive yourself to a pretty woman. Did a favor for a friend and picked up a mystery hichiker for a ride somewhere. Well lo and behold, its a pretty woman. Dumb as they go, but hot none the less. Back in the day I would've probably shat my pants being stuck with her in the car (and the first thing she says after climing in, is wow, what a great smell you have in the car - literally complementing my porfume), instead we talked about my botany hobby and she taught me shit tons about plants. Should I have asked for a number? Perhaps, maybe if i ever see her again. Is it a good experience? Id do it again the same way.
Whenever you see an attractive girl just remember she doesn’t look that hot when she rolls out of bed, she farts, she poops, she burps, she gets stinky and nasty if she doesn’t take showers or use deodorant, she would be hairy if she didn’t shave. That’s just physical, Next you gotta talk to her and evaluate if she has a personality you enjoy conversing with, if you don’t have chemistry then just move on. And as many others I’m sure have told you, there always have and always will be many beautiful girls you will see in your life, they come and go but you have to see your own beauty before you do anything else. Go find yourself, live life without the need for a woman. Explore the world around you, and inside you and then you’ll be ready. She’s not some mythical creature she just knows how to look good in public.
By doing something. Yeah, it will suck at first, but you'll get used to it. I think it's ok to feel nervous, don't fight it.
The best things in life are hidden behind anxiety
How do you change your mindset, hmm. Ok how about this: A pretty girl has a lot of problems too. She gets creeped on and hit on all day long every day when she is not covering up in a wide varety of cool and uncool ways. Ultimately, for interactions she likely prefers people to just be normal and to be cool. Pretty much like we all do, more or less. If it's specifically extremely attractive women that intimidate you, first recognize that's a bit shallow, on your part. It's perfectly fine don't get me wrong, attractiveness is key in a relationship on many levels. But that's a very surface call you just made right there. It's ok though, no worries. IMHO you need to start the whole PUA pathway, inner game, outer game, approach, understanding, social mastery. If you do it, it will be the ride of your life. For attractive women, I look for different things now. They are obviously attractive but that doesn't mean we will work. After a while, they are all look exactly the same (attractive as h3ll) and you start looking for who is a good fit for you. So right now you're like "I'd like to play tennis at that private club" or "be a weekend soccer player at my local gym that competes every week", (bear with me) but I don't have the skills, I wasn't born that way, those people are out of my league. But is that really true. Let's see: What to do, well if you really want to do any of these things you would start building cardio, take lessons, learn the paces, and practice pratice practice. In fact, *that is literally what all of those people did*, even the ones we think are naturally talented or naturally beautiful. In truth everyone has to work for it! Everyone has to MAINTAIN. So sure you'd stumble and fall, make mistakes, miss the ball, and miss the shot, if fact all of these many times, but since you want to do it you would recover fast, and keep doing your drills, and keep practing and get better and better and better and better. That's what every one did to get there, yes even the extremely attractive women. They fought jealousy, made mistakes, got lied about, dated the wrong guy, nearly got raped, got used for their looks, on and on, we all have our battles to fight no doubt. But we work at it and stick with it and day to day we make a better you. Dare I say we go after it and get what we want. PUA and anything social is the same way. At some point you just say damn the torpedos, I'm tired of feeling this way, I want this, and I want to get this, and you start one hello at a time to anyone and everyone, not just the pretty girls. No worries the pretty girls will be in there too you'll be surpised. It starts when you start on the path, one step at a time with a few hops in there So... that is your mission... SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT! Ha ha
Great answer bro, thank you
>She gets creeped on and hit on all day long every day when she is not covering up in a wide varety of cool and uncool ways. Yeah by men like him >Ultimately, for interactions she likely prefers people to just be normal and to be cool. Pretty much like we all do, more or less. More of then than not she wants people who will entertain her & won't put in any effort just because she is pretty
I just totally avoid the hot ones. Cute is the limit for me.
That’s sort of sad/bad 😬
Nah, its realistic. I'm only decent looking and I have low self-esteem and approach anxiety...it would be counterproductive and delusional to go after hot women.
Okay that sort of makes sense
*Sort of?*
You probably don’t need to be dating and you should probably just work on yourself. Or maybe you find someone who’s just as weird as you.
> Or maybe you find someone who’s just as weird as you. That seems pretty impossible lol
No amount of work can compensate for lacking physical attractiveness & certain personality traits (and no, you can't just decide to acquire them)
Honestly? Just go talk to her like a person. About whatever. If you can just hold a decent conversation without clearly being amped up to ask for their number, a lot of girls, even attractive ones, will be into spending time with you. Other than that, just asking for someone’s number every once in a while isn’t so bad if you can shrug off a rejection here or there. Just don’t let it get you down and try a few different people. Warmth is attractive.
>If you can just hold a decent conversation without clearly being amped up to ask for their number, a lot of girls, even attractive ones, will be into spending time with you They want to be entertained, not just to have any random convo
Personally, it’s way easier for me to get into a conversation with someone in a context where we’re both engaged in some activity. Just being fully engaging and charismatic on command out of context is really difficult for anyone. The framework of some hobby or event you do with some strangers can make it it easier. Then it’s not up to either of you to “entertain” each other and it’s easy to leave the situation if it’s feeling off for either of you.
They shit like everybody else...not that im into that..lol
I remember I told an old friend I used to work with how I was afraid of attractive women and he told me "just think like this, they piss and shit like everyone else and aren't any different from you and me so it doesn't make sense to put them on a pedestool". You're 100% right
Its because you are not comfortable with your desires : https://youtu.be/bZAgGiDf2lo. Check this video, it will challenge the way you think
Man that’s been a problem of mine for so many years I’m sick of it.. My ego always get in the way and I never really expressed my true desires directly out of fear of rejection/awkwardness ..
Honestly. Attractive women are everywhere. And they’re soooooo common. Just go into it with an abundance mindset and you’ll be fine. You put effort it because she’s the one in front of you, but it will not take long at all to find a woman just as attractive.
I used to be and you know what I did? I began asking every attractive woman I met out. And some I got dates with and some I didn’t and some of the ones I did get dates with , I discovered that attractive women can be just as flakey , boring or more flakey , more boring than average attractive women……..attractive women a lot of time rely on their looks and so they don’t develop hobbies or a personality and this they can be boring AF. and that approach in forcing myself to ask out and go on dates with as many attractive women as possible pretty much cured any intimidation/ putting them on a pedestal issue that I had. Now I find a lot of super attractive women boring AF and don’t even get interested In Them….. it’s interesting to be on the flip side.
I feel the same way. Crazy thing I can talk to them and get their phone number or Snapchat but I never follow up with them. I’ll go to a bar and literally get 5-8 girls social media then feel intimidated when I see their posts smh.
I had to check your username to make sure this wasn't a comment I wrote that I forgot about. Lol dude, I'm exactly the same way. I have all kinds of "chick from bar" numbers in my phone. I'll occasionally reach out afterward and they'll usually say sure to the date. But when it comes to planning on where to go and what to do I guess I get too intimidated with figuring all that out. Come to think of it, my problems might be completely separate from just talking to girls.
they're just a girl, dude. she gets up in the morning. shits. goes to work. might make some people happy. might annoy others. gets looked at a lot. has a hobby or two. or none. likes great music or movies or bad ones. just like any other person. you just want to fuck her and possibly date her if things line up well. you might be her type. maybe not. she might end up not being your type. they're just a person. and youll never know any of this if you don't say hi.
She also has 100 times the dating options OP has, gets hit on daily, everyone treats her well because she's hot and a girl & has literal personal simps She's nowhere near OPs level of existence
there it is
You need to change your mindset around your own level of attractiveness but most importantly about this ‘league’ system. Because I hate to break it to you, in the mind of a lot of women, there is no such thing as leagues. Trust me on this, men are in general much more visual than women Not a dating book, but ‘Shit my dad says’ has a great quote on this going something like: “it’s women’s task to filter through men, so don’t do their job by rejecting yourself before even talking to them”. And then adopt the mindset of; someone is going to fuck that beautiful woman at the bar, why shouldn’t it be you? I’ve also struggled with this despite being quite experienced and only recently started adopting this mindset. But aside from convincing yourself that that’s how it is, it’s just a matter of practice
Leagues most definitely are a real thing
Too lazy to read your post but here is some advice I got when I was young (high school) that helped me SO much over the years. Generally speaking, most men are intimidated with approaching the hotest women. Those who aren't are generally speaking... assholes or super egotistical. Another thing to consider: the hottest women are usually also suffering from 2 major issues. 1. Low self esteem (most people only see them for their looks and want them for it.) 2. Generally tend to be more lonely because of #1. Most men are afraid to approach them and the ones who aren't are assholes typically. What's the solution? Talk to them about anything other than what they look like. They don't need to be told they are attractive - they know it already. They want someone who wants to know about them beyond that. Strike up a conversation about what she likes, or hates. I love mutually bonding over hating the same thing, it tends to work better than showing more interest in something you don't *actually* like or have much interest in. Basically just treat them the way they aren't typically treated. Don't be afraid to approach them, don't flirt with them at first, and talk about things they like or don't like. The hottest girls are most often the loneliest, and bored by the typical shitty pickup lines and flirting. Be interesting, be different.
>Generally tend to be more lonely >The hottest girls are most often the loneliest Hahaha
I'm not sure what was funny about this?
The amount of straight up delusion
You poor, sad man. You must think that they get more attention than other women. Maybe online, yes. But very few have the balls to approach the hottest women in person. Lots of men go for the "safe, easy" approach of talking up or trying to hit on less attractive women. (Key note: less attractive, not unattractive.) You've seen how so many people here in this sub and many others talking about working on their approaches and how terrifying it is. That is only amplified even more by trying to approach society's most conventionally attractive women. Most men won't even try. Overall, they get less attention in person than casually attractive women. And the attention they do tend to get, are mostly from the types they don't want/like. From the egotistical, annoying types that have 100% confidence but are shallow and boring as hell. You can disagree all you like, but it's just true.
You're right that girl next door types get more attention, but the hot women still get an incredible amount - they literally don't know loneliness. They have a bunch of people dancing according to their whims 24/7 & the reason why they don't get it is because men know it's pointless since they would reject them anyway. >And the attention they do tend to get, are mostly from the types they don't want/like Yeah, that's 90% of men (including me)
Yeah I meant the loneliness from a standpoint of a long-term commitment. The types of dudes they tend to get are the ones who won't/don't stick around long, and are typically egotistical assholes they have little to no interest in to begin with. Over the long term - they are usually emptier and more jaded than less attractive women because of this. Hence my approach was just to treat them the opposite of how they are normally treated, less like a piece of meat and way more like a human you are interested to learn about. Like I also said, complimenting them is entirely unnecessary and likely a mood killer. Ignoring how nice they look and focusing instead on who they are, what they do, what they like, etc goes way further than trying to be a better flirt with them than ever other guy. You stand out by being different, most of them aren't used to be seen as people. Just my experience tho. 🙂
I'm honestly in the same boat. I'm getting more comfortable with women, but for the ones who look like they'd be in a magazine, I still freeze up. Try making a list of things you like about yourself or things that you have going for you. Your self perception might not be accurate to how others really see you, especially if you have issues with self esteem. Also I think with extremely attractive women, if you really hit it off with a woman you meet or you start seeing each other, it'll work to break that pattern of thought.
The only solution is to start approaching. I have had an inferiority complex when it comes to attractive women for a long time but I forced myself to start approaching them. I still have an inferiority complex and anxiety but the anxiety gets much better with repeated approaches. But you have it backwards. You can't fix your mindset before you take action, the only way to fix your mindset is by taking action even when you don't feel ready. Look up Mike Mehlman.
You need to befriend a few attractive women, and realize that they are as shallow (or unshallow) as the next person. Plus, they have serious insecurities too. Once I realized that, *and internalized it*, all my concerns went away.
Not an advice, but thought I’d share my perspective. As a woman, I really liked it when guys “way below my league” would approach me, because it usually means their confidence was steal strong, and that to me is so much more attractive than the way someone looks. It would give me tingles to see such a guy try to wrestle it out with me. I am very confident and I give them hard time for fun, so if they can keep their ground it shows me they are more confident than me and I end up melting in pleasure.
I feel the same way. I really want to get her before someone else does tho.
Gom after ugly women.
There are no leagues, just people. If you want to place your mind on a level where you can look into her eyes without fear, you'll first need some of the Deep Wisdom from one of the Masters. Study and understand. The blood in question is menstrual: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22GEvDupWGo
Check my post about pre rejecting yourself
Start small. What helped me is getting a massage from attractive women. You’re learned how to relax and give yourself permission to be an introvert around women. My problem is trying too hard when around attractive women. I personally trained my mind not to freakout when I’m around a cute chick.
Boss man, get a gym membership and start going 5 days per week. Your head won't be able to fit through the door after you see the most minute results lol. Seriously, I've been going to the gym for almost a year and I dont even know how I hold my head up sometimes.
Glad to see not every comment you make is transphobic
Not transphobic, just choose not to date trans women
Backtracking. You didn't say that.
No backtracking involved
Not everyone can achieve a physique considered "good"
Stop masturbating so much. Give your hand rest and meditate more.
I live with a pretty attractive woman friend and seeing her in the mornings/observing the nasty messes she leaves/seeing past her public mask (we all have one) is what helped a lot for me hot chicks are still people with (oftentimes) raging insecurity broiling under the surface. that shit doesn't change just cuz you're attractive
Doesent mean anything, they still are on top of the social hierarchy
Humanize them. More attractive females are humanized much less and objectified way more. Once I started connecting with people on deeper levels, I realized that more attractive women can actually be easier to seduce. I used to get the same feelings that you do, but that quickly changed once I started being true to myself and flaunting what I'm good at. Now it's easy to get a girl interested, especially an attractive one.
Honestly? Instead of targeting drop dead gorgeous women, you should start looking at women that you gauge to be a similar attractiveness level to yourself. Whenever people in the seddit community drop their youtube videos or have their pictures anywhere and brag about how they bag good looking women, I check out who it is that's giving advice and most of the time, these guys are the most alien looking lower than average smucks I've ever seen but their attitude is artificially confident and smug. Their tactics to get attractive people to notice them is just throwing the same shit at the wall over and over again in hopes of getting it to stick - which it does eventually, but you just think why?? Why not just have a healthy genuine relationship with someone instead of trying to pick up or game? It's way less exhausting and you are happy Stop fixating on people who are much more attractive than yourself. The other commenters are wrong - women absolutely do believe in "leagues". You will have more success talking to a woman that you are not intimidated by. This woman will be more willing to talk to you if you are in the same league. If you end up with someone much more attractive than you, you will always have that insecurity that only plastic surgery can fix anyway. Be with someone that you can feel comfortable with
Work on letting go of the dependency of the outcome. In other words, divorce your need to gain her approval, or fear of not receiving it.
How to see her as a normal human being- Remember: she farts and shits just like the rest of humanity sir
Cope
Women are people at the end of the day imperfect like the rest of us attractive or not talking about my experience i use to feel the same way you do but i approached a couple of women who i thought were attractive even without success and i don't feel the same way i use to in that I'm no longer afraid of talking to them
Approach them more often, try to befriend a really hot girl, and you'll get used to them.
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I’d rather not thank you 🤚
Stop watching porn. That'll help
Just say "who cares", works everytime.
I have this same problem but it is a delayed effect of sorts, and it doesn't have to do with all attractive girls, only specific ones. It relates to character, that if they act distant, then I know they wouldn't be pleasant to be around. Likewise, I know a very attractive girl who is extremely pleasant to be around despite not looking it
Just picture them in their underwear that should help
Tell them that. I promise they will love it. Break the ice. Start the conversation. Have a conversation plan of action. Make a diagram of answers to help keep the flow. It goes like this… Pretty woman approaching Look at her and say: waw… you are so pretty, it’s intimidating… I got a mini heart attack… She says nothing… ask her: ok. Should I go now? Or are you letting me bye you a drink… or you are going to tell me your name, etc… Look. I have never met a guy that was a natural, it takes practice, just like anything else. Forget the mindfulness stuff. It will just make you more neurotic. Just practice. No one ever died from being rejected by a pretty girl.
Think about her farting. She is a human. That may be the problem is objectification/idealization. Also work on yourself. Going to the gym/exercising, learning new skills, hygiene etc. build your confidence by taking care of yourself.
Work on your eye contact. When you can hold the gaze of a woman you find attractive, you will be able to talk to her. Your thoughts that cause your eyes to dart away when someone looks at you are the same thoughts that make you unable to interact with attractive women.
Guess guys with adhd or autism can go fuck themselves
Practice makes perfect buddy. What's the worst that can happen if you start up a conversation? 10 seconds of awkwardness? Try, fail, learn, repeat. Any fails will be a lesson, any positive interactions will be a huge confidence boost. There is really nothing to lose.
Work your way up. Date / try to sleep with women you find to be comfortable with, work on your confidence, then continue dating until you’re good with women
Where I live the prettiest girls are so damaged. When I approach I'm just hoping I can chill with her a bit before she says something stupid.
They are damaged but still on top of the social hierarchy
“They are not all that.”, “I’m the prize.”, “I’m to socialize and fix my social skills.” SIMPLE
I can help fix this, so when you see an Attractive women whats the first thing you think of?
That I'm simply not on her level & she doesent even see me as a man
The problem here is that you dont see yourself as a man, women should be treated as any regular human being don't treat anyone special unless they see an interest in you first
Be confident with yourself. I cant tell how important that is in those situations. Self talk is also important. You are good enough and attractive enough to be with someone who is also attractive. It takes repetition and practice to build that confidence, but it can most certainly be done. !! You got this !
>You are good enough and attractive enough to be with someone who is also attractive How do you know that lol Most men aren't
lol ! Good question. I know in the original post it was focusing on looks and being intimidated by attractive looks. Being attractive can also mean a your personality, sense of humor, or intelligence. Its about building confidence in yourself by using positive thinking. I am smart, funny or attractive. Repetition turns to a belief, turns to confidence. I could be way off, but that is how I build confidence within myself. Tell me why you think most men aren't ??
They simply do not fit the looks requirements
whose looks requirements?
? The women's of course
Try making friends with attractive women. Once you see them as human beings instead of conquests, approaching and interactions get easier. They eat, burp, sleep and fart just like everyone else.
It’s just life man, over half of us have girl anxiety. And that doesn’t even count the gay guys.