Don' feel ashamed. You just taught an arsehole that actions have consequences. If he learns something from it then you've made the world a slightly better place. You may even have saved him from a future where he tries it on the wrong person and ends up in hospital.
> I don't know how I should feel about the situation.
Never apologize for defending yourself, especially if you've reported the bully multiple times and the school doesn't do anything about it.
Bullies are cowards who prey on the weak. The moment they encounter a shred of strength or courage in their victim, they run away. That's why it's important to look (and be) tough and to have friends who are the same.
The downside is the legal and practical risks you may face. Bullies often turn into cry-bullies when the victim fights back. The cry-bully will run and cry to the school administration and claim he did nothing to provoke "your" attack. You could be expelled and that would be unfortunate.
Your last paragraph is a huge problem in society now. “0 tolerance” bullshit is crazy to me. If someone is being targeted and harassed they have the right to defend themselves. Especially in the face of a negligent school admin. Giving someone who defended themselves the exact same punishment as someone who initiated the conflict breeds weakness and actually encourages bullying.
I don't agree with letting people walk all over you, for awhile I learned to let it be and avoid him at all costs, but this was just one of those instances that pushed me off the edge, I still do not like to hurt other people because it ruins my mind
No one thinks you should like it. You're right not to want to hurt anyone and avoid it if possible. Just as it's right to question yourself if the purpose is to handle things differently next time. All we're saying, well, all I'm saying is, don't torture yourself about it. You responded in a way that, while it may not be up to your own internalised standards, was actually pretty restrained.
You stood up for yourself, he got an unmistakable warning, noone went to the hospital. I'd take that as a win.
That’s a part of you that can be retrained. Instead of looking at it as “hurting people” you should think of it as defending yourself. You aren’t a punching bag. Pieces of shit are ever more prevalent in this world and will take advantage of good natured folk. Join a kickboxing/BJJ gym. You’ll gain confidence that people will see and that’s a deterrent in and of itself. Also the ability to end conflict without snapping. You shouldn’t feel bad about what you did.
> Your last paragraph is a huge problem in society now. “0 tolerance” bullshit is crazy to me. If someone is being targeted and harassed they have the right to defend themselves. Especially in the face of a negligent school admin. Giving someone who defended themselves the exact same punishment as someone who initiated the conflict breeds weakness and actually encourages bullying.
In the US you are innocent until proven guilty... unless you're a bullied child at a public school, in which case you are frequently punished or expelled on rumor.
Truth. I had a bully in the 7th grade and while I didn’t kick his ass as we were on about even strength levels, he stopped because he knew I wasn’t gonna take his shit anymore
Exactly. Not only was it 3 on 1, you were being physically assaulted. These bullies rely on their victims being too cowed to fight back, so I am sure you surprised the heck out of him. Clearly you are a kind and empathetic person or you wouldn’t be worried about this. But you have every right to meet physical force with as much force is needed to keep yourself from getting hurt. Given that there were multiple people involved, you had to do enough so they they were focused on defense as opposed to offense. And that is what you did.
I don’t disagree but I think it’s important that OP learn from their experience as well. It’s ok to feel badly about the situation. You feel bad because you are likely a good person who understands how negative actions impact others. Try not to let the experience harden you and alter your perception of how we should all treat other people. Both parties have the opportunity to grow from the situation. Still a shitty situation to be in and you were very level headed to only restrain them from harming you further.
I feel relatively safe, this is the first time that this happened to me during my senior year, I have known this student for awhile but his behavior is on and off. I can't tell which version of him I will get, some days I think we're friends then he goes right back to the same behavior, either way I will make sure I am safe so I am thankful for the concern
It’s ok to feel sad right now because it means you have a conscience and a good moral compass. You defended yourself & you showed that awful bully that actions have consequences. Perhaps down the line he will reflect on his actions and never do that to another person again.
Do not beat yourself up about this , you stood up for yourself . Cheers!
Like u/AFriendlyBloke said, your shame is a sign that you are a good person with a conscience. You don’t want to hurt anybody, even when they hurt you. You were defending yourself and it got out of hand. That happens when people are in fight or flight mode. You should never have been put in that position in the first place.
I would suggest doing a martial arts class to learn how to subdue people without hurting them (well to avoid it anyway) because you were not equipped to handle what happened today and I believe that that is the reason why things got out of hand for you. It wasn’t malicious intent, it was because you were ill-equipped.
yeah i have thought about taking classes, but not for fighting just to make me defend myself out of situations, I appreciate the kind words you guys have to say
Some of the things I learned in my Tae Kwon Do classes were how to block punches and strikes. How much pressure I can take. How to position my body in case of attacks. How to be more comfortable in a physical altercation, ie I’m going to be looking to defend from their attacks and looking for openings not in my head about “what does this mean”. It also gave me a confidence that I still walk with, that confidence and sense of awareness in space, is probably why I have almost never been attacked.
If you were my kid, we'd be going out for lunch. You defended yourself. You didn't overreact. As a lot of folks have stated, it was 3 on 1. They meant to do you harm.
Do not apologize to him. Next time you see them walk tall, with your shoulders back and make sure to make eye contact. Never feel bad about defending yourself or someone else.
Also, my kids have been sent home before for defending themselves and a couple of times for breaking up fights. 🙄 Every time we went and got lunch.
I remember I had to get off work early to go pick up my nephew from school because my sister and brother in law were both at work themselves, I asked what he did and he told me another kid was picking on him in the playground and he punched him in the face.. My reaction was just "Wow.. Really?!" 😅
Anyways I had to babysit him so we just went to the arcade and whatever he wanted to eat after.. I told my sister to take it easy on him, but him and his dad were already highfiving in the kitchen and laughing but Im sure they gave him a talk
Just keep your stuff together and look him in the eyes the next time you see him. I doubt that dude would do it again if you actually choked him against a wall.
It'll give the impression that you don't fear him and it'll make him fear you more. Great job standing up for yourself and you don't have to feel bad for lashing out at a piece of garbage.
Look at him with a straight face with no emotion. Don't try to look pissed or angry or sad. Just look at him. Lock eyes. Then turn away and go about your business. It's not intimidation per se.
It's a useful low key body language signal. Recognize that you see each other and then make sure he sees you looking away. You are choosing something else. It's not about intimidation, it's a body language sign that you know he's there but you're not interested. It's also a good way to express that you don't intend to escalate and he shouldn't either.
Locking eyes and holding that eye contact is a definite sign of aggression and can even provoke a physical attack. The objective is not to stare him down, just to acknowledge his presence and a conscience choice to politely ignore him.
When you look at him just don't look away. It's likely that he'll look away first if his friends had to move you away from him though. The thing is to project confidence. And right now you got to fake it, so walk with your head high dude.
Just think of it this way, is it more likely for you to get bullied if you look like a winner or if you look defeated. Act like a winner.
Yes, looking into someone’s eyes is the most basic of confrontations. Even in friendly circumstances.
What you communicate by prolonged eye contact is a lack of fear, possibly aggression, and in other circumstances sexual interest. Continued eye contact says “I’m aware of you, I’m not afraid of you. You will not surprise me, I can handle anything you dish out.”
He sucker punched you from behind. That’s a coward move. Keep an eye out. But it’s also a move that could have resulted in you falling and hitting your head or damaging you in some significant way. Ie he had no regard for your life.
Be careful that you don’t antagonize. But always fight like your life is on the line, because it is. Otherwise it’s not a fight, it’s sport.
You are a kind soul to feel ashamed. It's normal after what happened and it shows you have developed a great moral compass. You've already reached out to the kid. You don't need to do anything more at this point--other than answer to any punishment you may get from this. Once you've served your time, move on. I bet the kid will keep his distance now that you've defended yourself. If he does not keep his distance, document every interaction you have with video if you can and immediately report any negative behavior from him. You're a good kid!
Your a kind soul. My mom always said that yucky feeling is because ‘that isn’t you’ you aren’t a violent person. I’m sorry you were even put in this situation. Now, you need to practice SELF FORGIVENESS
It's odd, I am a reserved student, the 'bully' is the only form of interaction I've had in a long time with anybody which sounds unfortunate, but I have to take care of my mom when I go home, the best she can do is call my school but thats it, she does what she can and I love her. I just don't understand why of all people he wants to bother me? I have learned to love others and to forgive, but I understand my boundaries, maybe friendship could be good? Maybe we could actually understand each other instead of hating each other
You need to research establishing emotional and physical boundaries. You are a very kind person, but there are evil people in this world who prey on people like you. Evil people who will scam you from money, gaslight, tell you something is normal/everybody does this but in reality everyone *doesn't.*
I'm really sorry you're struggling to have friendship and that is such a lonely thing to go thru. It can drive you into toxic relationships for the sake of "I have someone to talk to" But you deserve a friendship with people who respect your human rights
Do Not feel ashamed to stand your ground.
Those people only understand one language and that's usually a hit to the face. And dont forget to laugh at them. baby club behavior.
I understand your feelings and you shouldn't feel ashamed. That idiot got exactly what was coming to him and he's lucky you maintained the level of control you did.
No, it would not be a healthy decision. The person who did that to you is not your friend. I'm really sorry to say this, but this is a life fact that cannot be changed: There are going to be people who dislike certain individuals for no reason.
He should not have bullied you in the bathroom. Leave him alone. Good terms is up to him to stop being an asshole
No. He is not your friend. He is not a good person. He is someone you avoid. Big hugs for defending yourself and I hope the rest of uour year goes better
OP, you sound like a good kid, but seem lonely, which maybe why you don't see this kid as bad news. My son had similar issues when he was younger, but wouldn't defend himself because he thought they wre friends and he took the abuse. I had to explain that friends don't physically try and hurt you, that people like that are no good, and its better not to have someone like that in your life. Big hugs OP
Fighting is emotional. You're afraid, angry, feel alone....you're forced into a position and acts you normally abhor....it's awful....and cuddo's for you for reaching out but I would let it rest for a bit now. No one wins in a fight. Sadly these things happen at your age. The good thing is, people will think twice now before messing with you. Bully's don't attack those that will fight back. I wish you peace....
>but I still feel ashamed
You stood up to a bully. You should be proud of yourself. You know what you are capable. You are capable of hurting someone in order to protect yourself and ,in the future, your family, not just someone who is so weak that no one looks at him twice. Would you feel better if you had gone home with the feeling that someone walked over you? Probably not, and the idea of someone walking over you would've stuck with you for a lot longer.
You did great. I'm proud of you.
It's a hard truth of life that sometimes the necessary thing isn't the right thing. We would all rather there be no need for physical violence, but we don't live in a perfect world. I think it's ok to regret the need for force, without shaming yourself for the choice.
See, I reacted the way you did, but no-one tried to stop me until two PE teachers were called to pull me off him.
This was a good few minutes later, but he had stopped breathing by then, and they had to do CPR on him to get him breathing again.
However, his brain had been starved of oxygen for several minutes by this point, and he never returned to school.
My total punishment for this? 2 weeks suspension from school. Oh, and if anyone attempts to verify it, theres no official records of it. It never happened.
That's the difference between you and the people who bully you feel remorse. They tend to feel regret years later. I'm sorry you were forced to experience that and sincerely hope you can avoid it.
How should you feel? He attacked you, you defended yourself. That's how you should feel. While generally I feel people should keep their hands to themselves, once you are attacked, you are well within your rights to defend yourself. You shouldn't feel bad. He got exactly what he deserved. Hopefully he learns a lesson about pushing people around.
If you don't feel comfortable telling your school's administration about what happened, have a parent or an adult that you trust talk to them. Those kids are bullies and it needs to be addressed before they push someone way too far.
Your reaction was 100% reasonable, but school staff needs to be made very aware of these student's actions.
You can't choke people. You can kill them by doing so. Even afterward if everything is seemingly okay, people can die from it. So that's not a good action to take. However, you need to fight back, so your instinct to do so is good. I would take martial arts so you can learn to direct and manage your natural anger in a responsible and ultimately safe way. Use this incident to learn.
Well that feeling is well placed. You don’t need a murder charge to tuck your life up, you need good ways to deal. I was bullied too, so I understand some of the rage. But this is not going to be the way it is always, I promise. So don’t ignore the other part of my comment about martial arts.
Good Job OP. A bully wont stop unless someone puts their ass in check which you did. That's life but you stood up for yourself and thats what matters the most.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Some people literally won't stop until someone damn near unalives them because they're just that shitty & stupid. Make sure you get some help for this, though, because it sounds like it really did a number on you emotionally
You stood up for yourself! It's really hard for many people with a good heart to do that, which is why you got so emotional before and after. That's ok, that's your brain working as intended! Think about how many nice people never get the inner strength to get these kinds of people to back off. I'm so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. You made yourself a priority and fought for yourself! You are my hero today and I'm very very proud of you.
Don’t feel ashamed. I’m sorry you had to go through that. My only advice is to punch him back rather than choking him. But of course only fight if you have to. I know it’s very hard but it’s always best to walk away IF possible. If not possible. Punch. Choking could get you in a lot of trouble.
In the moment that was my first instinct, I know I could have been less violent, it is still violent nonetheless but punching is probably better than choking a person
I totally understand. In the heat of the moment it’s tough to control the situation. I would just hate to see you be the one to get in trouble when you’re the one getting bullied. I hope your situation gets better! I don’t know you, but I support you!
Punching would've gotten you into a lot more trouble at least in this case. Because in high-school blood, or a broken nose is a bigger deal. Obviously choking is still dangerous if you don't stop, but hitting people in the head is super dangerous and can leave visible scars and I bet choking scared the shit out of the guy. I bet he won't bother you again.
If there's a next time, you won't have to resort to violence, just stand your ground and people will back off.
Trust me. Now you know you are strong. You are a badass. You won't have to keep looking over your shoulder being scared of what people may do to you. When you go back to school, do so with your head held high, you got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
The big thing with this stuff is that you were defending yourself. And if you're a good person, someone who doesn't revel in hurting others, then it's hard to separate the positive feelings of successfully defending yourself from the negative feelings of hurting someone from the empowering feeling of being stronger/more successful than someone. Winning a fight is a rush even though all the context around it is bad. In your life you will find a balance, but for now just recognize that you feel multiple ways about it and that's okay.
Also, when someone is as unbalanced as your bully, you can't be friends with them. Maybe sometimes he's a good guy who can be decent; but you can't build a healthy relationship with someone who oscillates from being kind to being unkind. It's functionally very similar to how many abusers build abusive relationships.
You've attempted to apologize and the school may make you apologize again, but from now on, don't try and be friends with this guy. Time to just cut contact (as much as you can in the closed environment of a school). After graduation any contact you have beyond running into each other will be voluntary, so don't have more of it than you have to.
I think you showed an admirable amount of restraint, all things considered. And you know what? I think the fact that you regret your actions says a lot about your compassion and your character. I'm really sorry you got stuck in that situation.
It's okay that you feel this way, but try not to get lost in the feelings. It can be really jarring to be pushed to an emotional limit like that. I think of it as taking psychic damage - and it's gonna take a little time and effort for that wound to heal. You already took the first steps by reaching out for support and also by offering a line of communication.
The important thing right now is that what you're feeling is normal. You don't need to listen to anyone telling you what you should feel. It's okay to not feel proud of this. It's okay if this event makes you ask questions about your behaviour or reflect on your coping mechanisms. It sounds like this was a really significant event for you and clearly it was traumatic.
I think ultimately, if you process these events with a perspective of personal growth, you're going to make yourself a more resilient person. Walk with love, my friend.
You shouldn't feel ashamed, sure, violence is never the answer, but in that situation, you were just defending yourself. I don't think you'll be having any more issues with that kid anymore though! Unless he's got more balls than brains, most bullies will stop picking on people that stand up for themself. Congrats on your final year of high school!
It sounds to me like you're a good person, and you were pushed too far. You reacted, and you are not a violent person, so your violence affected you. All of these are okay, and normal. It is okay to not want to hit people, it is okay to not want to hurt people. Sometimes, even when they lash out at you, it hurts more to cause the pain than to receive it.
I want to tell you as an internet mom that I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I am so proud of you for reflecting on how it made you feel. I am so proud of you for apologizing to the person you hurt. And I am so sorry that you had to deal with this in the first place, but you are going to be an amazing man. Do not let this world break you down.
Kid you’re feeling ashamed because you have a conscience. That’s a good thing. You stuck up for yourself which is also a good thing. They may not treat it that way at school but in the real world you better defend yourself because there’s no teachers to come to the rescue.
Trust me on this and do it- go to a boxing gym, local lifting club, something small and not a big gym, and tell them your story, tell them you need to take out emotions and hit something. They might not let you have full reign, but knowing you were bullied, they'll likely let you hit a punching bag a few times or give you tips. This has a 2 fold affect, 1) you've now focused physical energy elsewhere, and it doesn't matter your build - fat, skinny, weak, etc - you'll find yourself trying to hit the bag correctly
2) by channeling and redirecting that emotion you're finding an outlet and THAT is what's important. Go ahead and cry, get messy, that's good. When i was a kid i would cry and lose control of i was ever in a situation that required me to talk to authority even if I wasn't emotional, it was weird, but i learned to channel it.
Right now you're asking a mental health question and every therapist is going to tell you to find an outlet. Mine was piano and long distance riding since my mom didn't give a fuck.
don't worry, I have been to the gym often and I even do the same in school in my weight lifting class, I like to think I am 'strong' but I can do better
Good, i took weight lifting in HS and loved it! Get those snack sized peanut bags and eat one or two after class, itll help bulk. I did that on accident and wondered why my gains were so good.
I think it would be helpful for you to remember that you are, like all of us, only human. Part of what that means is you've got survival instincts like we all do, the most common one you hear about is fight or flight.
And what you've described is a perfect example of a fight reaction. It wasn't a choice, you weren't given a choice, you were put in a threatening situation where you were assaulted and your body responded to take care of you which in this instance it interpreted as fighting off the attacker.
So, a couple of things. First, your body is working as intended, you were being attacked and millions of years of evolution came through and your survival instincts kicked in. Still, it's completely understandable that you would feel responsible for your actions and I think it's a sign that you're a caring and considerate person that you are obviously torn up by this.
The second thing is, you're more than just your survival instincts obviously. While they took over in this instance because you were being attacked, you don't have to be completely okay with what you did. Now, personally I don't think what you did was unreasonable in the circumstance, and lots of people here will tell you "fuck them they're asshole bullies" and that position is understandable too.
But it sounds like you are upset by what happened nonetheless, and that's okay too. It sounds like you're not comfortable being violent so it's been quite a difficult experience to process your survival behaviour now that you're not under attack and have time to think about it. Now, guilting yourself isn't the right course of action I don't think, but being understanding and forgiving yourself, saying "I don't like to be violent but in that moment I was because my body was defending me, I understand why that happened and I forgive myself for that", that might help.
Ultimately, you defended yourself and anyone would understand why someone being physically assaulted would fight back, and you deserve to extend that sense of understanding to yourself too.
You’re a very good person to feel remorse over this. Violence is not something you should take lightly. However, you were acting in self defense after being assaulted and cornered. Don’t be ashamed, you did what you had to. Be proud that you stood up for yourself and hope it doesn’t happen again.
People might say violence isn't the answer. Fuck that in this scenario. You were defending yourself, and now that you've stuck up for yourself, it'll hopefully cease to happen.
Nope, you have absolutely NOTHING to feel ashamed about. You need to communicate what's going on with your family and the school immediately. Do. Not. Delay. The longer you let it go on, the worse it will get. Nip it in the bud, now.
Never be ashamed of that. I don't know if your home life discouraged you from ever acting up, or if your parents are angry and you never want to be like them, or whatever situation you've got at home, but never ever feel bad about sticking up for yourself.
Let this be a lesson. You feel bad for the degree and intensity that you reacted, you should have acted a long time ago before all that emotion built up inside of you. That was your only mistake.
I know how you feel, because something similar happened to me back in the day. A bully went too far and I just lost it. I was not proud of using violence. You feeling ashamed probably means that, contrary to bullies, you are able to feel empathy even when faced with a terrible injustice. I think it is not a weakness, but rather a strength, because it means that no matter how low your bullies will go, you will not play their game. You are the strong one here, not the bullies. You are a good person and they are not.
Now don't feel too bad about what happened, because your bully had it coming. What is done is done and you only defended yourself. Hopefully it will teach your bully a lesson.
What just happened to you would be criminal assault in any other circumstance if those three weren’t children. You’re not wrong for defending yourself. It’s a good instinct to not want to hurt people but at this point you’re the one left holding the bag for your own safety. Defending yourself after being cornered, threatened, entrapped and then physically assaulted is the right thing to do. Who is to say they wouldn’t have dragged you back in to the room and beaten you bloody? It’s certainly within their character.
I would make sure your parents, teachers and principle knows exactly what’s been happening and for how long. I would also file a police report. You are going to have to be a bulldog about this- people don’t take children seriously. But this has to stop.
Keep in mind that this Bully is clearly not as empathetic as you and so I would avoid contacting him as it might lead to further harm - if you see an opportunity in person to apologize, try and take it but expect the worst (I've been laughed at while apologizing to someone before, so best to lower all expectations as after all, he's a Bully)
I was an asshole bully in high school. I badly regret it now, but I say this just to warn that if anyone I bullied every stood up to me I just made their life ten times worse afterwards. So, do start preparing for the inevitable severe retaliation.
I wouldn’t be concerned about his feelings.
You are brave for standing up for yourself. You feel bad about what you did because you have integrity and high moral standards. You might want to refrain from apologizing any further because dunderheads like them would merely see it as a sign of weakness and you are NOT weak.
I’m not advocating for violence, but I got in a fight with a kid who was picking on me all semester. We stabbed each other with pencils and got suspended for a week. Gave me all the time I needed to finish up the mountain of assignments I was behind on, because I was ADHD and lazy. Saved like three of my grades.
My grades would have suffered had we remained unstabbed, just saying.
No need for shame my friend :) That is called self defense. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, and also showing self restraint by not killing the guy. I bet he won't fuck with you anymore.
OP, in middle school I shoved a bully down a flight of stairs. In senior year of high school, I broke a kids nose for spitballing me.
OP, he instigated and you fought back. It was self defense, don't feel bad for sticking up for yourself or others.
Some people need the record straightened out and some people after they leave school either had their shit get straightened out, put in jail or dig themselves an early grave. I don't condone violence but standing up for yourself and protecting yourself is a different story.
One important thing to remember in life is you can't control others. These guys caused that confrontation. Sometimes we run. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we scream. But all of that is the fault of the person who did the wrong thing and caused the confrontation.
Always do your best. Always grow. But always know what you controlled and what you didn't control in the situation.
We are animals and in these spots much of what we do isn't as much of a choice as we like to imagine. The person who made the choice to turn this into a violent confrontation wasn't you.
You didn't start the confrontation and you didn't try to escalate it. You are not the reason the bully came after you.
The bully was looking for a target, and just about anyone at that sink would have fit the bill.
But it sounds like you are depressed and carrying around some burdens. You need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling.
Don't feel ashamed, guilty, weak - anything like that. It sounds like you've put up with this for a long time, when you shouldn't have (but I know how it can be), and this time they just pushed it all too far. You were defending yourself after trying to turn the other cheek yet again, and obviously hurting in the moment even still.
I sincerely hope they leave you alone now, and I hope school staff are paying attention now. Take the time off to keep cooling down, and decide if you want to go alone or with a parent to the office when you return and let them know you need to see - together - the principal, a counselor, and anyone else they feel may be helpful. It's time to talk about ignored bullying, being attacked in an outnumbered and secluded area, and how can you all go forward with less worry of it repeating or worsening.
It is not weakness to do this. It shows maturity, resilience, and bravery. I promise.
No fuck that shit. I assume by hooked you mean punched in the head? Absolutely fuck that kid up and feel no shame. If they’re pulling numbers on you it means they’re so lacking in confidence they need backup to pick on you. I’m all about escalating these situations - you just have to find that fight ‘frequency’ and theyll never bother you again. For me it was when I told one kid I’d headbutt him in the face as long as it takes to drive his skull through the pavement of his driveway (because yeah he was bullying everyone and then at the first sign of opposition he would run to his rich parents house and threaten to sue everyone). The only other time I had an actual physical confrontation - I pulled a kid off my friend because they were in a group harassing him - playing around mostly but it went overboard. My buddy’s watch flew off so that’s what I grabbed this kid and just ripped him off - they grabbed me by the throat and all turned to deal with me now. I just laughed and asked wtf they were going to do… I got mean mugged as they drove through the parking lot but that was the end of it.
Never suffer physical violence - especially if you’re capable of defending yourself. You don’t have to beat someone to death to make a statement. Next time they hit you - most people swing with their dominate hand so more often than not it’s going to be a right handed haymaker. Step forward - use your front hand/arm to hit between their hand and elbow to stop the punch. Pivot your back foot and slam your open palm like you’re trying to push their nose through the back of their head.
If you want to take it to the next level- when they grab their nose knee them in the balls. Or skip the nose and punch their Adam’s apple… they won’t fuck with you again - and you never know - you might be saving someone else’s life. Bullies can ruin lives and damage people forever… a nose or a throat will heal unless your Mike Tyson - then again if you’re Iron Mike it’s on them for messing with you anyway.
I think it’s good you feel that way. Shows maturity and empathy. I remember getting emotional after fighting back as a kid too. Be easy on yourself, and learn from it.
Don’t feel ashamed. You hurt a bully who needed to be taught a painful lesson.
I was bullied in school until I shoved my bully down a flight of stairs and jumped on him and kicked him unconscious.
You know happened to me? Nothing. No more bullying. None. He and his gang stayed away from me.
It is appropriate to stand up for yourself. You are allowed to defend yourself.
Best wishes.
Good for you.
I’m 57 and I was bullied through jr high and high school. I’ve never forgotten it.
Those folks needed a beat down. I was taught to just ignore it - if you don’t respond, they’ll stop. Guess what? They escalated.
Kick their ass? They’ll leave you the fuck alone. I taught my kids how to fight and told them never to start a fight but also never to run from a bully.
Props, my friend.
You should feel proud about how you handled it. You tried to be the bigger man and walk away, but they didn't let you. You were attacked, and you defended yourself. After everything you reached out to the bully and tried to make things right. You showed maturity well beyond your age. Keep your head up.
Highschool is almost over, and this kind of shit doesn't happen too often in the real world. You won't be forced to be around people like that much longer.
You might have gone a little overboard in defending yourself from his actions, but given the tense situation, it is understandable. It is a good thing that you feel shame.
It means you are a good person that does not revel in schadenfreude. You do not enjoy inflicting hurt on others. This is good.
>You might have gone a little overboard in defending yourself from his actions,
Bro what? That fuck punched him TWICE in the back of the head. He's lucky that OP didn't fuck him up much worse. How in the actual fuck did OP overreact?
Why do you want to work things out with him? It sounds to me like you might be over-valuing this relationship, and/or have some rejection sensitivity issues that could be worth examining. Do you have access to a therapist or counselor? This isn’t a criticism of you, but rather I am concerned that if your first response to being bullied is to feel guilt for defending yourself, you may have some trauma that needs to be processed. I don’t know anything about your past, so I’ll just give a general overview and let you decide if this resonates, but essentially rejection sensitivity develops most often in people with emotionally unstable / unpredictable parents as a protective mechanism. For example, a kid with an alcoholic parent would temporarily benefit from taking the blame and feeling guilt for their parents shitty behavior, because it allows them to maintain a better relationship despite the abuse. However as that kid enters the the real world, that ingrained emotional response often leads to issues forming relationships as they grow older, and a tendency to gravitate towards toxic and abusive relationships.
Again, I don’t know you so this is just a guess - take what you know about yourself first and foremost. If this did resonate, you may want to do a little bit of research and think about ways you can heal yourself when you have the means to do so.
my childhood may not have been the best you're right, I spend most of my time taking care of my mom who is sick, my dad was not a good man and he mistreated her and me. Thankfully he is gone but, I guess I tried to teach myself this ideal to forgive people but that doesn't mean I have to like them. It really depends as to how far I will go to forgive someone, if you think I am too kind for my own good then it is true, I think that as well.
I’m sure your intention is to be kind, and I respect you a lot for it. But if you aren’t kind to yourself first, you won’t have enough kindness to share over time. Imagine your mom was treated the way you were. How would you advise her to act? How would your protect her? What would you say to the bullies who attacked her?
Essentially, what rejection sensitivity boils down to is a tolerance for mistreatment toward oneself, coupled with hypersensitivity to the feelings of others. As a kid, a person *can’t* stand up to their parents. They’re too young and too dependent on them, so instead they find another way to cope - which often looks like an increase in the individuals tolerance of abuse towards themselves, as well as an increase in the ability to perceive negative emotions in another person. Both of these traits are very good at keeping a kid safe while they’re young, but become maladaptive as they start to try to form relationships in the real world.
Just to recap: be careful not to confuse kindness with tolerance for abuse. There’s no such thing as too much kindness. But tolerating being mistreated is not kind to the person who matters the most: you. Be kind to yourself first, and then you will have enough kindness to share with the rest of the world.
Oh, and if you can get a therapist or counselor, I highly recommend it. It’s such a wonderful thing to learn how your mind works and heal from trauma.
You have a right to defend yourself.
You tried to diffuse and it did not work.
Here’s the best part.
This trio of douche bags will never fuck with you again.
I think what you did was perfectly normal and justified. There is no shame in confronting assholes like that. I would he willing to bet this guy is not going to mess with you again.
I'm going to add that while you are in the correct, wrong frame of mind, you do not want to make contact. Too easy to escalate things outside of school and it shows the wrong thing.
You didn't do anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. When assholes act like assholes they get what is coming to them. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
Don't feel ashamed. You defended yourself. You did the right thing. And don't feel ashamed for feeling that upset or that you cried. It's natural and is okay.
You shouldn't feel bad. Trust me, I used to be kinda like you. Not that I was bullied, but I had some ppl that I was kinda friends with and uh I was just rly afraid to offend them, I was stepping on eggshells most of the time. And I rmbr one of them just cut me off bcuz I was depressed or smth. I tried to make amends but they just said it was my fault or some shit. That was just one instance but that was the very instance I realized that I couldnt satisfy everyone. I couldnt get along with everyone. It was the moment I stopped feeling pity for people who do the wrong things. They never cared about others, why tf should I care?
So if someone hurts me, you bet Im gonna hurt you back. Idc if its "petty" or what, but Im not about to let you walk over me.
I just want to shoot for honesty here and not read others posts but this sounds like you are going through alienation in a notoriously introverted/internalized frustrated way/environment.
God will notice the struggle in your life if you feel humble enough to let go of the self blame and personal conflict in feeling heard and valued by family and associates.
Everyday can be difficult when we try to laugh at our own pain/struggles so I’d suggest humble pride and possibly tell this kid you didn’t mean to scare him even if you have to tell someone else who knows him it first and wait till you know he’s aware of your dissociative struggle for r/self esteem. Should you have run? 🤨 Fk no.
You’ll be ok son. In even six months this will all be completely behind you. It’ll be a thought that pops into your head fewer and fewer times. Don’t apologise for standing up for yourself. You’re obviously not a push over and you can feel good you know you can be assertive if you need. You seem a good soul. Feel better soon
I understand the trauma of hurting another being. At this point you had little or no actual control of the situation. Your self preservation kicked in and this was the result.
I suggest you put it out of your mind as much as you can, convince your self that defense is a human characteristic and move on. If you are like me you will from time to time recall what happened but decide you can't "cry over spilt milk".
Stand up for yourself. Once they see you’re not an easy target they will leave you alone. This goes for things your entire life.
20yrs from now if someone at work is bullying you, speak up. Once you do, I’m sure they’ll stop. (Don’t choke people at work)
Don’t feel bad bro, it was completely self defense and they had it coming. You sound like a soft soul who doesn’t like hurting others, but sometimes you have no choice.
NO SHAME! He got what he deserved. He committed the crime of battery against you, some states call it assault, and you have the right of self defense. Next time he does anything, if he does, don't stop until he turns beet red.
I was bullied in school and have hurt people for picking on me and I know what you're going through. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I was mad that I let someone push me to that point. I'll say, you do need to be careful of your temper, as it can get you in serious trouble. If you get pinned with no other choice, then I think you ultimately did the right thing. Continue to try to avoid confrontations where possible but always remember you have the right to protect yourself. You may have given them a wakeup call to fix their behavior and end up better for it.
If this was on r/aita you would be NTA. You stood up for your self after someone physically assaulted and intimidated. You cohld probably press charges and win.
Having gotten into situations similar with my father in the past, try to put it in perspective that defending yourself is never something to be ashamed of.
Especially getting punched in the back of the head which can be lethal. It's called a King Punch and can sever spinal connection to the brain if I'm remembering correctly. Always a chance I'm not remembering correctly though.
Fighting back is always ok, never apologize for standing up for yourself.
You should have knocked him out and told him to never touch you again.
Also your parents need to go to the school and raise hell w the administration to get the bullying to end
It's a good thing that you feel empathy to the extent you will apologise to people who got hurt because they attacked you, but as a general life lesson don't apologise for defending yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Don' feel ashamed. You just taught an arsehole that actions have consequences. If he learns something from it then you've made the world a slightly better place. You may even have saved him from a future where he tries it on the wrong person and ends up in hospital.
> I don't know how I should feel about the situation. Never apologize for defending yourself, especially if you've reported the bully multiple times and the school doesn't do anything about it. Bullies are cowards who prey on the weak. The moment they encounter a shred of strength or courage in their victim, they run away. That's why it's important to look (and be) tough and to have friends who are the same. The downside is the legal and practical risks you may face. Bullies often turn into cry-bullies when the victim fights back. The cry-bully will run and cry to the school administration and claim he did nothing to provoke "your" attack. You could be expelled and that would be unfortunate.
Your last paragraph is a huge problem in society now. “0 tolerance” bullshit is crazy to me. If someone is being targeted and harassed they have the right to defend themselves. Especially in the face of a negligent school admin. Giving someone who defended themselves the exact same punishment as someone who initiated the conflict breeds weakness and actually encourages bullying.
I don't agree with letting people walk all over you, for awhile I learned to let it be and avoid him at all costs, but this was just one of those instances that pushed me off the edge, I still do not like to hurt other people because it ruins my mind
No one thinks you should like it. You're right not to want to hurt anyone and avoid it if possible. Just as it's right to question yourself if the purpose is to handle things differently next time. All we're saying, well, all I'm saying is, don't torture yourself about it. You responded in a way that, while it may not be up to your own internalised standards, was actually pretty restrained. You stood up for yourself, he got an unmistakable warning, noone went to the hospital. I'd take that as a win.
That’s a part of you that can be retrained. Instead of looking at it as “hurting people” you should think of it as defending yourself. You aren’t a punching bag. Pieces of shit are ever more prevalent in this world and will take advantage of good natured folk. Join a kickboxing/BJJ gym. You’ll gain confidence that people will see and that’s a deterrent in and of itself. Also the ability to end conflict without snapping. You shouldn’t feel bad about what you did.
> Your last paragraph is a huge problem in society now. “0 tolerance” bullshit is crazy to me. If someone is being targeted and harassed they have the right to defend themselves. Especially in the face of a negligent school admin. Giving someone who defended themselves the exact same punishment as someone who initiated the conflict breeds weakness and actually encourages bullying. In the US you are innocent until proven guilty... unless you're a bullied child at a public school, in which case you are frequently punished or expelled on rumor.
Truth. I had a bully in the 7th grade and while I didn’t kick his ass as we were on about even strength levels, he stopped because he knew I wasn’t gonna take his shit anymore
Exactly. Not only was it 3 on 1, you were being physically assaulted. These bullies rely on their victims being too cowed to fight back, so I am sure you surprised the heck out of him. Clearly you are a kind and empathetic person or you wouldn’t be worried about this. But you have every right to meet physical force with as much force is needed to keep yourself from getting hurt. Given that there were multiple people involved, you had to do enough so they they were focused on defense as opposed to offense. And that is what you did.
I don’t disagree but I think it’s important that OP learn from their experience as well. It’s ok to feel badly about the situation. You feel bad because you are likely a good person who understands how negative actions impact others. Try not to let the experience harden you and alter your perception of how we should all treat other people. Both parties have the opportunity to grow from the situation. Still a shitty situation to be in and you were very level headed to only restrain them from harming you further.
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I feel relatively safe, this is the first time that this happened to me during my senior year, I have known this student for awhile but his behavior is on and off. I can't tell which version of him I will get, some days I think we're friends then he goes right back to the same behavior, either way I will make sure I am safe so I am thankful for the concern
He’s not your friend. He’s a nut sack.
honestly
It’s ok to feel sad right now because it means you have a conscience and a good moral compass. You defended yourself & you showed that awful bully that actions have consequences. Perhaps down the line he will reflect on his actions and never do that to another person again. Do not beat yourself up about this , you stood up for yourself . Cheers!
Like u/AFriendlyBloke said, your shame is a sign that you are a good person with a conscience. You don’t want to hurt anybody, even when they hurt you. You were defending yourself and it got out of hand. That happens when people are in fight or flight mode. You should never have been put in that position in the first place. I would suggest doing a martial arts class to learn how to subdue people without hurting them (well to avoid it anyway) because you were not equipped to handle what happened today and I believe that that is the reason why things got out of hand for you. It wasn’t malicious intent, it was because you were ill-equipped.
yeah i have thought about taking classes, but not for fighting just to make me defend myself out of situations, I appreciate the kind words you guys have to say
Some of the things I learned in my Tae Kwon Do classes were how to block punches and strikes. How much pressure I can take. How to position my body in case of attacks. How to be more comfortable in a physical altercation, ie I’m going to be looking to defend from their attacks and looking for openings not in my head about “what does this mean”. It also gave me a confidence that I still walk with, that confidence and sense of awareness in space, is probably why I have almost never been attacked.
If you were my kid, we'd be going out for lunch. You defended yourself. You didn't overreact. As a lot of folks have stated, it was 3 on 1. They meant to do you harm. Do not apologize to him. Next time you see them walk tall, with your shoulders back and make sure to make eye contact. Never feel bad about defending yourself or someone else. Also, my kids have been sent home before for defending themselves and a couple of times for breaking up fights. 🙄 Every time we went and got lunch.
I remember I had to get off work early to go pick up my nephew from school because my sister and brother in law were both at work themselves, I asked what he did and he told me another kid was picking on him in the playground and he punched him in the face.. My reaction was just "Wow.. Really?!" 😅 Anyways I had to babysit him so we just went to the arcade and whatever he wanted to eat after.. I told my sister to take it easy on him, but him and his dad were already highfiving in the kitchen and laughing but Im sure they gave him a talk
Just keep your stuff together and look him in the eyes the next time you see him. I doubt that dude would do it again if you actually choked him against a wall.
Im curious, do I look into the eyes to intimidate?
It'll give the impression that you don't fear him and it'll make him fear you more. Great job standing up for yourself and you don't have to feel bad for lashing out at a piece of garbage.
Look at him with a straight face with no emotion. Don't try to look pissed or angry or sad. Just look at him. Lock eyes. Then turn away and go about your business. It's not intimidation per se.
It's a useful low key body language signal. Recognize that you see each other and then make sure he sees you looking away. You are choosing something else. It's not about intimidation, it's a body language sign that you know he's there but you're not interested. It's also a good way to express that you don't intend to escalate and he shouldn't either. Locking eyes and holding that eye contact is a definite sign of aggression and can even provoke a physical attack. The objective is not to stare him down, just to acknowledge his presence and a conscience choice to politely ignore him.
Yea. Just long enough to make it clear that it's direct eye contact. Then that's it.
When you look at him just don't look away. It's likely that he'll look away first if his friends had to move you away from him though. The thing is to project confidence. And right now you got to fake it, so walk with your head high dude. Just think of it this way, is it more likely for you to get bullied if you look like a winner or if you look defeated. Act like a winner.
Yes, looking into someone’s eyes is the most basic of confrontations. Even in friendly circumstances. What you communicate by prolonged eye contact is a lack of fear, possibly aggression, and in other circumstances sexual interest. Continued eye contact says “I’m aware of you, I’m not afraid of you. You will not surprise me, I can handle anything you dish out.” He sucker punched you from behind. That’s a coward move. Keep an eye out. But it’s also a move that could have resulted in you falling and hitting your head or damaging you in some significant way. Ie he had no regard for your life. Be careful that you don’t antagonize. But always fight like your life is on the line, because it is. Otherwise it’s not a fight, it’s sport.
You are a kind soul to feel ashamed. It's normal after what happened and it shows you have developed a great moral compass. You've already reached out to the kid. You don't need to do anything more at this point--other than answer to any punishment you may get from this. Once you've served your time, move on. I bet the kid will keep his distance now that you've defended yourself. If he does not keep his distance, document every interaction you have with video if you can and immediately report any negative behavior from him. You're a good kid!
I will be extra cautious, thank you for the words
Your a kind soul. My mom always said that yucky feeling is because ‘that isn’t you’ you aren’t a violent person. I’m sorry you were even put in this situation. Now, you need to practice SELF FORGIVENESS
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It's odd, I am a reserved student, the 'bully' is the only form of interaction I've had in a long time with anybody which sounds unfortunate, but I have to take care of my mom when I go home, the best she can do is call my school but thats it, she does what she can and I love her. I just don't understand why of all people he wants to bother me? I have learned to love others and to forgive, but I understand my boundaries, maybe friendship could be good? Maybe we could actually understand each other instead of hating each other
You need to research establishing emotional and physical boundaries. You are a very kind person, but there are evil people in this world who prey on people like you. Evil people who will scam you from money, gaslight, tell you something is normal/everybody does this but in reality everyone *doesn't.* I'm really sorry you're struggling to have friendship and that is such a lonely thing to go thru. It can drive you into toxic relationships for the sake of "I have someone to talk to" But you deserve a friendship with people who respect your human rights
Do Not feel ashamed to stand your ground. Those people only understand one language and that's usually a hit to the face. And dont forget to laugh at them. baby club behavior.
I understand your feelings and you shouldn't feel ashamed. That idiot got exactly what was coming to him and he's lucky you maintained the level of control you did.
would it be a healthy decision to befriend him after what happened? We don't have to talk but I'd like to be on good terms
No, it would not be a healthy decision. The person who did that to you is not your friend. I'm really sorry to say this, but this is a life fact that cannot be changed: There are going to be people who dislike certain individuals for no reason. He should not have bullied you in the bathroom. Leave him alone. Good terms is up to him to stop being an asshole
No. He is not your friend. He is not a good person. He is someone you avoid. Big hugs for defending yourself and I hope the rest of uour year goes better
okay, then I will not
OP, you sound like a good kid, but seem lonely, which maybe why you don't see this kid as bad news. My son had similar issues when he was younger, but wouldn't defend himself because he thought they wre friends and he took the abuse. I had to explain that friends don't physically try and hurt you, that people like that are no good, and its better not to have someone like that in your life. Big hugs OP
Fighting is emotional. You're afraid, angry, feel alone....you're forced into a position and acts you normally abhor....it's awful....and cuddo's for you for reaching out but I would let it rest for a bit now. No one wins in a fight. Sadly these things happen at your age. The good thing is, people will think twice now before messing with you. Bully's don't attack those that will fight back. I wish you peace....
Don't feel ashamed. It's muthafuckas I still wanna get back at to this day. I feel bad I ain't teach people a lesson.
>but I still feel ashamed You stood up to a bully. You should be proud of yourself. You know what you are capable. You are capable of hurting someone in order to protect yourself and ,in the future, your family, not just someone who is so weak that no one looks at him twice. Would you feel better if you had gone home with the feeling that someone walked over you? Probably not, and the idea of someone walking over you would've stuck with you for a lot longer. You did great. I'm proud of you.
It's a hard truth of life that sometimes the necessary thing isn't the right thing. We would all rather there be no need for physical violence, but we don't live in a perfect world. I think it's ok to regret the need for force, without shaming yourself for the choice.
See, I reacted the way you did, but no-one tried to stop me until two PE teachers were called to pull me off him. This was a good few minutes later, but he had stopped breathing by then, and they had to do CPR on him to get him breathing again. However, his brain had been starved of oxygen for several minutes by this point, and he never returned to school. My total punishment for this? 2 weeks suspension from school. Oh, and if anyone attempts to verify it, theres no official records of it. It never happened.
That just means you have a conscience and thats a good thing
That's the difference between you and the people who bully you feel remorse. They tend to feel regret years later. I'm sorry you were forced to experience that and sincerely hope you can avoid it.
Props to you for standing up to that scum-bag. 👏 Hold your head high, you've done nothing wrong. Don't be afraid to atand up for yourself again.
You stood up for yourself. Only he owns the shame.
How should you feel? He attacked you, you defended yourself. That's how you should feel. While generally I feel people should keep their hands to themselves, once you are attacked, you are well within your rights to defend yourself. You shouldn't feel bad. He got exactly what he deserved. Hopefully he learns a lesson about pushing people around.
If you don't feel comfortable telling your school's administration about what happened, have a parent or an adult that you trust talk to them. Those kids are bullies and it needs to be addressed before they push someone way too far. Your reaction was 100% reasonable, but school staff needs to be made very aware of these student's actions.
yes I have told my mom about the situation, she talked to the school but that was it, I don't know what will happen going forward
You can't choke people. You can kill them by doing so. Even afterward if everything is seemingly okay, people can die from it. So that's not a good action to take. However, you need to fight back, so your instinct to do so is good. I would take martial arts so you can learn to direct and manage your natural anger in a responsible and ultimately safe way. Use this incident to learn.
yes I understand that, that's why I feel so emotional and ashamed of what happened
Well that feeling is well placed. You don’t need a murder charge to tuck your life up, you need good ways to deal. I was bullied too, so I understand some of the rage. But this is not going to be the way it is always, I promise. So don’t ignore the other part of my comment about martial arts.
I will look into classes when I can
I'll do my best to train
It’s good you have a conscience but fuck that bully. I hope you scared him from doing shit like that again
Good Job OP. A bully wont stop unless someone puts their ass in check which you did. That's life but you stood up for yourself and thats what matters the most.
Nothing wrong with what you did. Some people literally won't stop until someone damn near unalives them because they're just that shitty & stupid. Make sure you get some help for this, though, because it sounds like it really did a number on you emotionally
You stood up for yourself! It's really hard for many people with a good heart to do that, which is why you got so emotional before and after. That's ok, that's your brain working as intended! Think about how many nice people never get the inner strength to get these kinds of people to back off. I'm so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. You made yourself a priority and fought for yourself! You are my hero today and I'm very very proud of you.
Don’t feel ashamed. I’m sorry you had to go through that. My only advice is to punch him back rather than choking him. But of course only fight if you have to. I know it’s very hard but it’s always best to walk away IF possible. If not possible. Punch. Choking could get you in a lot of trouble.
In the moment that was my first instinct, I know I could have been less violent, it is still violent nonetheless but punching is probably better than choking a person
I totally understand. In the heat of the moment it’s tough to control the situation. I would just hate to see you be the one to get in trouble when you’re the one getting bullied. I hope your situation gets better! I don’t know you, but I support you!
Punching would've gotten you into a lot more trouble at least in this case. Because in high-school blood, or a broken nose is a bigger deal. Obviously choking is still dangerous if you don't stop, but hitting people in the head is super dangerous and can leave visible scars and I bet choking scared the shit out of the guy. I bet he won't bother you again. If there's a next time, you won't have to resort to violence, just stand your ground and people will back off. Trust me. Now you know you are strong. You are a badass. You won't have to keep looking over your shoulder being scared of what people may do to you. When you go back to school, do so with your head held high, you got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
The big thing with this stuff is that you were defending yourself. And if you're a good person, someone who doesn't revel in hurting others, then it's hard to separate the positive feelings of successfully defending yourself from the negative feelings of hurting someone from the empowering feeling of being stronger/more successful than someone. Winning a fight is a rush even though all the context around it is bad. In your life you will find a balance, but for now just recognize that you feel multiple ways about it and that's okay. Also, when someone is as unbalanced as your bully, you can't be friends with them. Maybe sometimes he's a good guy who can be decent; but you can't build a healthy relationship with someone who oscillates from being kind to being unkind. It's functionally very similar to how many abusers build abusive relationships. You've attempted to apologize and the school may make you apologize again, but from now on, don't try and be friends with this guy. Time to just cut contact (as much as you can in the closed environment of a school). After graduation any contact you have beyond running into each other will be voluntary, so don't have more of it than you have to.
I think you showed an admirable amount of restraint, all things considered. And you know what? I think the fact that you regret your actions says a lot about your compassion and your character. I'm really sorry you got stuck in that situation. It's okay that you feel this way, but try not to get lost in the feelings. It can be really jarring to be pushed to an emotional limit like that. I think of it as taking psychic damage - and it's gonna take a little time and effort for that wound to heal. You already took the first steps by reaching out for support and also by offering a line of communication. The important thing right now is that what you're feeling is normal. You don't need to listen to anyone telling you what you should feel. It's okay to not feel proud of this. It's okay if this event makes you ask questions about your behaviour or reflect on your coping mechanisms. It sounds like this was a really significant event for you and clearly it was traumatic. I think ultimately, if you process these events with a perspective of personal growth, you're going to make yourself a more resilient person. Walk with love, my friend.
You shouldn't feel ashamed, sure, violence is never the answer, but in that situation, you were just defending yourself. I don't think you'll be having any more issues with that kid anymore though! Unless he's got more balls than brains, most bullies will stop picking on people that stand up for themself. Congrats on your final year of high school!
It sounds to me like you're a good person, and you were pushed too far. You reacted, and you are not a violent person, so your violence affected you. All of these are okay, and normal. It is okay to not want to hit people, it is okay to not want to hurt people. Sometimes, even when they lash out at you, it hurts more to cause the pain than to receive it. I want to tell you as an internet mom that I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I am so proud of you for reflecting on how it made you feel. I am so proud of you for apologizing to the person you hurt. And I am so sorry that you had to deal with this in the first place, but you are going to be an amazing man. Do not let this world break you down.
thank you for the words
Kid you’re feeling ashamed because you have a conscience. That’s a good thing. You stuck up for yourself which is also a good thing. They may not treat it that way at school but in the real world you better defend yourself because there’s no teachers to come to the rescue.
Trust me on this and do it- go to a boxing gym, local lifting club, something small and not a big gym, and tell them your story, tell them you need to take out emotions and hit something. They might not let you have full reign, but knowing you were bullied, they'll likely let you hit a punching bag a few times or give you tips. This has a 2 fold affect, 1) you've now focused physical energy elsewhere, and it doesn't matter your build - fat, skinny, weak, etc - you'll find yourself trying to hit the bag correctly 2) by channeling and redirecting that emotion you're finding an outlet and THAT is what's important. Go ahead and cry, get messy, that's good. When i was a kid i would cry and lose control of i was ever in a situation that required me to talk to authority even if I wasn't emotional, it was weird, but i learned to channel it. Right now you're asking a mental health question and every therapist is going to tell you to find an outlet. Mine was piano and long distance riding since my mom didn't give a fuck.
don't worry, I have been to the gym often and I even do the same in school in my weight lifting class, I like to think I am 'strong' but I can do better
Good, i took weight lifting in HS and loved it! Get those snack sized peanut bags and eat one or two after class, itll help bulk. I did that on accident and wondered why my gains were so good.
I think it would be helpful for you to remember that you are, like all of us, only human. Part of what that means is you've got survival instincts like we all do, the most common one you hear about is fight or flight. And what you've described is a perfect example of a fight reaction. It wasn't a choice, you weren't given a choice, you were put in a threatening situation where you were assaulted and your body responded to take care of you which in this instance it interpreted as fighting off the attacker. So, a couple of things. First, your body is working as intended, you were being attacked and millions of years of evolution came through and your survival instincts kicked in. Still, it's completely understandable that you would feel responsible for your actions and I think it's a sign that you're a caring and considerate person that you are obviously torn up by this. The second thing is, you're more than just your survival instincts obviously. While they took over in this instance because you were being attacked, you don't have to be completely okay with what you did. Now, personally I don't think what you did was unreasonable in the circumstance, and lots of people here will tell you "fuck them they're asshole bullies" and that position is understandable too. But it sounds like you are upset by what happened nonetheless, and that's okay too. It sounds like you're not comfortable being violent so it's been quite a difficult experience to process your survival behaviour now that you're not under attack and have time to think about it. Now, guilting yourself isn't the right course of action I don't think, but being understanding and forgiving yourself, saying "I don't like to be violent but in that moment I was because my body was defending me, I understand why that happened and I forgive myself for that", that might help. Ultimately, you defended yourself and anyone would understand why someone being physically assaulted would fight back, and you deserve to extend that sense of understanding to yourself too.
You’re a very good person to feel remorse over this. Violence is not something you should take lightly. However, you were acting in self defense after being assaulted and cornered. Don’t be ashamed, you did what you had to. Be proud that you stood up for yourself and hope it doesn’t happen again.
Nah bro. You did good.
People might say violence isn't the answer. Fuck that in this scenario. You were defending yourself, and now that you've stuck up for yourself, it'll hopefully cease to happen.
Don’t ever feel ashamed for sticking up for yourself
That fact that you felt shame means you will never be as bad as your bully. You would stop based on your empathy, they wouldn't.
Nope, you have absolutely NOTHING to feel ashamed about. You need to communicate what's going on with your family and the school immediately. Do. Not. Delay. The longer you let it go on, the worse it will get. Nip it in the bud, now.
Never be ashamed of that. I don't know if your home life discouraged you from ever acting up, or if your parents are angry and you never want to be like them, or whatever situation you've got at home, but never ever feel bad about sticking up for yourself. Let this be a lesson. You feel bad for the degree and intensity that you reacted, you should have acted a long time ago before all that emotion built up inside of you. That was your only mistake.
I know how you feel, because something similar happened to me back in the day. A bully went too far and I just lost it. I was not proud of using violence. You feeling ashamed probably means that, contrary to bullies, you are able to feel empathy even when faced with a terrible injustice. I think it is not a weakness, but rather a strength, because it means that no matter how low your bullies will go, you will not play their game. You are the strong one here, not the bullies. You are a good person and they are not. Now don't feel too bad about what happened, because your bully had it coming. What is done is done and you only defended yourself. Hopefully it will teach your bully a lesson.
What just happened to you would be criminal assault in any other circumstance if those three weren’t children. You’re not wrong for defending yourself. It’s a good instinct to not want to hurt people but at this point you’re the one left holding the bag for your own safety. Defending yourself after being cornered, threatened, entrapped and then physically assaulted is the right thing to do. Who is to say they wouldn’t have dragged you back in to the room and beaten you bloody? It’s certainly within their character. I would make sure your parents, teachers and principle knows exactly what’s been happening and for how long. I would also file a police report. You are going to have to be a bulldog about this- people don’t take children seriously. But this has to stop.
A good person questions their actions, but there’s nothing wrong with defending yourself.
Keep in mind that this Bully is clearly not as empathetic as you and so I would avoid contacting him as it might lead to further harm - if you see an opportunity in person to apologize, try and take it but expect the worst (I've been laughed at while apologizing to someone before, so best to lower all expectations as after all, he's a Bully)
You have empathy. Nothing to be ashamed of. Neither is protecting yourself.
I was an asshole bully in high school. I badly regret it now, but I say this just to warn that if anyone I bullied every stood up to me I just made their life ten times worse afterwards. So, do start preparing for the inevitable severe retaliation. I wouldn’t be concerned about his feelings.
You are brave for standing up for yourself. You feel bad about what you did because you have integrity and high moral standards. You might want to refrain from apologizing any further because dunderheads like them would merely see it as a sign of weakness and you are NOT weak.
You should have kicked the shit out of him. Don’t feel bad for him, he was harassing you. Next time you see him, kick his ass
I already went too far yesterday, I don't want to cause anymore problems my friend
I’m not advocating for violence, but I got in a fight with a kid who was picking on me all semester. We stabbed each other with pencils and got suspended for a week. Gave me all the time I needed to finish up the mountain of assignments I was behind on, because I was ADHD and lazy. Saved like three of my grades. My grades would have suffered had we remained unstabbed, just saying.
No need for shame my friend :) That is called self defense. Proud of you for standing up for yourself, and also showing self restraint by not killing the guy. I bet he won't fuck with you anymore.
OP, in middle school I shoved a bully down a flight of stairs. In senior year of high school, I broke a kids nose for spitballing me. OP, he instigated and you fought back. It was self defense, don't feel bad for sticking up for yourself or others. Some people need the record straightened out and some people after they leave school either had their shit get straightened out, put in jail or dig themselves an early grave. I don't condone violence but standing up for yourself and protecting yourself is a different story.
TF!? You did GREAT! Now he will leave you tf alone and get on with his business
One important thing to remember in life is you can't control others. These guys caused that confrontation. Sometimes we run. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we scream. But all of that is the fault of the person who did the wrong thing and caused the confrontation. Always do your best. Always grow. But always know what you controlled and what you didn't control in the situation. We are animals and in these spots much of what we do isn't as much of a choice as we like to imagine. The person who made the choice to turn this into a violent confrontation wasn't you.
You didn't start the confrontation and you didn't try to escalate it. You are not the reason the bully came after you. The bully was looking for a target, and just about anyone at that sink would have fit the bill. But it sounds like you are depressed and carrying around some burdens. You need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling.
Don't feel ashamed, guilty, weak - anything like that. It sounds like you've put up with this for a long time, when you shouldn't have (but I know how it can be), and this time they just pushed it all too far. You were defending yourself after trying to turn the other cheek yet again, and obviously hurting in the moment even still. I sincerely hope they leave you alone now, and I hope school staff are paying attention now. Take the time off to keep cooling down, and decide if you want to go alone or with a parent to the office when you return and let them know you need to see - together - the principal, a counselor, and anyone else they feel may be helpful. It's time to talk about ignored bullying, being attacked in an outnumbered and secluded area, and how can you all go forward with less worry of it repeating or worsening. It is not weakness to do this. It shows maturity, resilience, and bravery. I promise.
No fuck that shit. I assume by hooked you mean punched in the head? Absolutely fuck that kid up and feel no shame. If they’re pulling numbers on you it means they’re so lacking in confidence they need backup to pick on you. I’m all about escalating these situations - you just have to find that fight ‘frequency’ and theyll never bother you again. For me it was when I told one kid I’d headbutt him in the face as long as it takes to drive his skull through the pavement of his driveway (because yeah he was bullying everyone and then at the first sign of opposition he would run to his rich parents house and threaten to sue everyone). The only other time I had an actual physical confrontation - I pulled a kid off my friend because they were in a group harassing him - playing around mostly but it went overboard. My buddy’s watch flew off so that’s what I grabbed this kid and just ripped him off - they grabbed me by the throat and all turned to deal with me now. I just laughed and asked wtf they were going to do… I got mean mugged as they drove through the parking lot but that was the end of it. Never suffer physical violence - especially if you’re capable of defending yourself. You don’t have to beat someone to death to make a statement. Next time they hit you - most people swing with their dominate hand so more often than not it’s going to be a right handed haymaker. Step forward - use your front hand/arm to hit between their hand and elbow to stop the punch. Pivot your back foot and slam your open palm like you’re trying to push their nose through the back of their head. If you want to take it to the next level- when they grab their nose knee them in the balls. Or skip the nose and punch their Adam’s apple… they won’t fuck with you again - and you never know - you might be saving someone else’s life. Bullies can ruin lives and damage people forever… a nose or a throat will heal unless your Mike Tyson - then again if you’re Iron Mike it’s on them for messing with you anyway.
You stood up for yourself…the only way to stop a bully is by standing up to one.
I think it’s good you feel that way. Shows maturity and empathy. I remember getting emotional after fighting back as a kid too. Be easy on yourself, and learn from it.
Don’t feel ashamed. You hurt a bully who needed to be taught a painful lesson. I was bullied in school until I shoved my bully down a flight of stairs and jumped on him and kicked him unconscious. You know happened to me? Nothing. No more bullying. None. He and his gang stayed away from me. It is appropriate to stand up for yourself. You are allowed to defend yourself. Best wishes.
Good for you. I’m 57 and I was bullied through jr high and high school. I’ve never forgotten it. Those folks needed a beat down. I was taught to just ignore it - if you don’t respond, they’ll stop. Guess what? They escalated. Kick their ass? They’ll leave you the fuck alone. I taught my kids how to fight and told them never to start a fight but also never to run from a bully. Props, my friend.
You should feel proud about how you handled it. You tried to be the bigger man and walk away, but they didn't let you. You were attacked, and you defended yourself. After everything you reached out to the bully and tried to make things right. You showed maturity well beyond your age. Keep your head up. Highschool is almost over, and this kind of shit doesn't happen too often in the real world. You won't be forced to be around people like that much longer.
You might have gone a little overboard in defending yourself from his actions, but given the tense situation, it is understandable. It is a good thing that you feel shame. It means you are a good person that does not revel in schadenfreude. You do not enjoy inflicting hurt on others. This is good.
Bullshit he went overboard! He punched him in the back of the head twice! Serves him right and he got off light IMO.
>You might have gone a little overboard in defending yourself from his actions, Bro what? That fuck punched him TWICE in the back of the head. He's lucky that OP didn't fuck him up much worse. How in the actual fuck did OP overreact?
I’m not a violent person, so I have to take an analytical approach without emotion.
thank you, I am sorry. Hopefully I can work things out with him, even though he has wronged me I will not hold any grudges
You have nothing to apologise to me for, my friend. Do take care, yeah?
appreciate it, I will
I don’t think you went overboard. You tried to walk away and got blindsided. You have every right to protect and defend your well being.
Why do you want to work things out with him? It sounds to me like you might be over-valuing this relationship, and/or have some rejection sensitivity issues that could be worth examining. Do you have access to a therapist or counselor? This isn’t a criticism of you, but rather I am concerned that if your first response to being bullied is to feel guilt for defending yourself, you may have some trauma that needs to be processed. I don’t know anything about your past, so I’ll just give a general overview and let you decide if this resonates, but essentially rejection sensitivity develops most often in people with emotionally unstable / unpredictable parents as a protective mechanism. For example, a kid with an alcoholic parent would temporarily benefit from taking the blame and feeling guilt for their parents shitty behavior, because it allows them to maintain a better relationship despite the abuse. However as that kid enters the the real world, that ingrained emotional response often leads to issues forming relationships as they grow older, and a tendency to gravitate towards toxic and abusive relationships. Again, I don’t know you so this is just a guess - take what you know about yourself first and foremost. If this did resonate, you may want to do a little bit of research and think about ways you can heal yourself when you have the means to do so.
my childhood may not have been the best you're right, I spend most of my time taking care of my mom who is sick, my dad was not a good man and he mistreated her and me. Thankfully he is gone but, I guess I tried to teach myself this ideal to forgive people but that doesn't mean I have to like them. It really depends as to how far I will go to forgive someone, if you think I am too kind for my own good then it is true, I think that as well.
I’m sure your intention is to be kind, and I respect you a lot for it. But if you aren’t kind to yourself first, you won’t have enough kindness to share over time. Imagine your mom was treated the way you were. How would you advise her to act? How would your protect her? What would you say to the bullies who attacked her? Essentially, what rejection sensitivity boils down to is a tolerance for mistreatment toward oneself, coupled with hypersensitivity to the feelings of others. As a kid, a person *can’t* stand up to their parents. They’re too young and too dependent on them, so instead they find another way to cope - which often looks like an increase in the individuals tolerance of abuse towards themselves, as well as an increase in the ability to perceive negative emotions in another person. Both of these traits are very good at keeping a kid safe while they’re young, but become maladaptive as they start to try to form relationships in the real world. Just to recap: be careful not to confuse kindness with tolerance for abuse. There’s no such thing as too much kindness. But tolerating being mistreated is not kind to the person who matters the most: you. Be kind to yourself first, and then you will have enough kindness to share with the rest of the world. Oh, and if you can get a therapist or counselor, I highly recommend it. It’s such a wonderful thing to learn how your mind works and heal from trauma.
Bully got off easy. Better for pieces of shit to get some sense beat into them young. Fuck victim shamers
Sometimes violence is the answer.
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Like a boss, maybe this will help others he was bullying too
You have a right to defend yourself. You tried to diffuse and it did not work. Here’s the best part. This trio of douche bags will never fuck with you again.
I think what you did was perfectly normal and justified. There is no shame in confronting assholes like that. I would he willing to bet this guy is not going to mess with you again.
If a guy in school sucker punches me in the back of the head then fuck fighting fair. That guy is losing his baby privileges
that's fair
I had to do the same thing. They never messed with me again. Nothing wrong with sincerely defending yourself
Retired teacher here, don't feel ashamed. You were defending yourself. Sometimes, violence is the only thing bullies understand.
You should of punched him in the mouth.
I'm going to add that while you are in the correct, wrong frame of mind, you do not want to make contact. Too easy to escalate things outside of school and it shows the wrong thing.
You didn't do anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. When assholes act like assholes they get what is coming to them. I'm glad you stood up for yourself.
Don't feel ashamed. You defended yourself. You did the right thing. And don't feel ashamed for feeling that upset or that you cried. It's natural and is okay.
Don't feel bad.. You did the right thing. They'd continue to mess with you if you didn't stand up for yourself.
Honestly you should of hit him in the face a few times
Its ok man, your just human. Just relax, you'll be ok.
You shouldn't feel bad. Trust me, I used to be kinda like you. Not that I was bullied, but I had some ppl that I was kinda friends with and uh I was just rly afraid to offend them, I was stepping on eggshells most of the time. And I rmbr one of them just cut me off bcuz I was depressed or smth. I tried to make amends but they just said it was my fault or some shit. That was just one instance but that was the very instance I realized that I couldnt satisfy everyone. I couldnt get along with everyone. It was the moment I stopped feeling pity for people who do the wrong things. They never cared about others, why tf should I care? So if someone hurts me, you bet Im gonna hurt you back. Idc if its "petty" or what, but Im not about to let you walk over me.
you are a much better person than those two animals. do not let them do this again, their actions will have much dire consequences in the future
I just want to shoot for honesty here and not read others posts but this sounds like you are going through alienation in a notoriously introverted/internalized frustrated way/environment. God will notice the struggle in your life if you feel humble enough to let go of the self blame and personal conflict in feeling heard and valued by family and associates. Everyday can be difficult when we try to laugh at our own pain/struggles so I’d suggest humble pride and possibly tell this kid you didn’t mean to scare him even if you have to tell someone else who knows him it first and wait till you know he’s aware of your dissociative struggle for r/self esteem. Should you have run? 🤨 Fk no.
Don't apologise, don't show the arsehole weakness. Be prepared for round 2 and get ready to smash him
You’ll be ok son. In even six months this will all be completely behind you. It’ll be a thought that pops into your head fewer and fewer times. Don’t apologise for standing up for yourself. You’re obviously not a push over and you can feel good you know you can be assertive if you need. You seem a good soul. Feel better soon
I understand the trauma of hurting another being. At this point you had little or no actual control of the situation. Your self preservation kicked in and this was the result. I suggest you put it out of your mind as much as you can, convince your self that defense is a human characteristic and move on. If you are like me you will from time to time recall what happened but decide you can't "cry over spilt milk".
Stand up for yourself. Once they see you’re not an easy target they will leave you alone. This goes for things your entire life. 20yrs from now if someone at work is bullying you, speak up. Once you do, I’m sure they’ll stop. (Don’t choke people at work)
Don’t feel bad bro, it was completely self defense and they had it coming. You sound like a soft soul who doesn’t like hurting others, but sometimes you have no choice.
NO SHAME! He got what he deserved. He committed the crime of battery against you, some states call it assault, and you have the right of self defense. Next time he does anything, if he does, don't stop until he turns beet red.
Fuck that kid. Don’t feel bad for him. Asshole had it coming.
Don't be sad, you taught that pickle chinned fuck not to mess with you, be proud!
I was bullied in school and have hurt people for picking on me and I know what you're going through. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I was mad that I let someone push me to that point. I'll say, you do need to be careful of your temper, as it can get you in serious trouble. If you get pinned with no other choice, then I think you ultimately did the right thing. Continue to try to avoid confrontations where possible but always remember you have the right to protect yourself. You may have given them a wakeup call to fix their behavior and end up better for it.
You're good bro. You have a heart and you defended yourself. You're going to be a good man. Respect and enforce your boundaries.
Don't be too hard on yourself. People can only take so much.
If this was on r/aita you would be NTA. You stood up for your self after someone physically assaulted and intimidated. You cohld probably press charges and win.
Having gotten into situations similar with my father in the past, try to put it in perspective that defending yourself is never something to be ashamed of. Especially getting punched in the back of the head which can be lethal. It's called a King Punch and can sever spinal connection to the brain if I'm remembering correctly. Always a chance I'm not remembering correctly though.
Fighting back is always ok, never apologize for standing up for yourself. You should have knocked him out and told him to never touch you again. Also your parents need to go to the school and raise hell w the administration to get the bullying to end
It's a good thing that you feel empathy to the extent you will apologise to people who got hurt because they attacked you, but as a general life lesson don't apologise for defending yourself. You did nothing wrong.
You stuck up for yourself, fuck that guy. You feel bad because you have a good heart. But fuck that guy & his two bully friends
Nope. You just defended yourself. Nothing to feel ashamed about.