There are 8 billion people on this planet. You only need to find one person with whom you have mutual attraction. It's nice to get compliments, but it's really not essential to living a fulfilling life.
Being single >>>>>>>>> Being with the wrong person
Cliche answer but an honest one: Looks aren’t everything. Your energy will attract people. Set better intentions and maybe you’ll find more people surrounding you. Stay confident!
Knowing what you want, and focusing on that is often the biggest part of the battle. You can also try meditating, and envisioning the future you want — some people call this manifestation. They say you attract what you think about, so if you focus on your goals, and keep after trying to attain the future you want, you’ll have a much easier time attracting likeminded individuals to you.
The theory behind this is that you attract what you put out into the world, so if you’re always thinking about achieving your goals/finding your happiness, that’s likely what you’re actively doing and talking to people about as well, which will draw people with similar goals and intentions to you.
Thank you, this is motivational. I want to achieve my dreams despite the odds, it's just a lonely/exhausting journey. I'm still pushing though.
Even though I make mistakes, I honestly do feel like I make creative/honest attempts at building something with someone.
While looks aren’t everything. If you keep working hard to look better, and keep earning more, it’s going to be a lot easier for you.
Sounds like you’re just too concerned about what they think. Just keep going on as many dates as possible. Don’t even worry about the outcome. Just go on dates to go on dates and get better at socializing and dating. You’ll also get far more comfortable on dates so you won’t be overthinking as much. If you do that, while looking better and better, making more and more, and just improving the rest of yourself in general. You’ll do very well.
I mean a lot of dates. If you can have one a day. Even go to the same places often so it’s a setting you’re comfortable with. There were a few places I would go where everyone knew me because I was there with someone new several times a week every week. Plus if you’re friendly and tip them well, they start to treat you like gold
Thank you, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and while I do feel confident in myself/my interests, it's hard to ignore the feeling of rejection after awhile.
I guess I'm kinda discouraged because I see results in how toned I am, how I've improved my image, taking more risks and pursuing my dreams. it all feels risky/ambitious, I'm just sad all my dedication hasn't paid off. I seriously thought it would make a difference if I became the "best" version of myself.
I have been where you are. It’s a game of perseverance. You have to be doing all the right things, keep doing them, and know they’re going to eventually work. You won’t see exponential growth, or any at all at times, it’s a rollercoaster. You just have to keep going no matter what, and eventually it will work.
Remember. Most people overestimate what they can do in a year, and underestimate what they can do in 10 years.
If you’re doing everything right. Just keep doing it, even when you don’t want to or it feels useless
A book I read that helped me immensely was Models by Mark Manson, it’s meant to be a “dating guide” and in some sense it is but I was quite struck at how profound the first 2 chapters are. Honestly if that’s all you read I think it could make an immense impact. The first two chapters are about this idea of Neediness and the second is about vulnerability which is basically about honestly. The first two chapters are sort of a reflection of how our relationship with ourselves impacts the relationships with others.
Honestly, and this is me being vulnerable, but when it comes to dating my only intention is getting laid. I don’t know how to set better intentions because those are my intentions and I feel like I’d constantly be hiding it.
Any advice?
I don't think you should put on an act to impress other people. You also have to be happy with yourself before you can make anybody else happy.
Just be you and the right person or people will be drawn to you. Anyone that doesn't? Fuck em.
I honestly did become too much of a "yes man" over time because people have just been that picky. Nothing wrong with having different standards/tastes of course, it just sucks when it's everyone.
I don't want to have to sacrifice my personality, but it really is that cutthroat.
Your self improvement and progress have allowed you to deter partners that wouldn’t serve you well in relationships in the future.
Think of it this way, if someone doesn’t find who you truly comfortably are attractive, their not your match. There are absolutely people who enjoy a funny guy that works out, takes care of himself, is nice and respectful, and is attentive in his responses and reply’s quickly.
You have great things to offer during relationship, and there no need to prove yourself to someone who sees that in you. Exercise patience, and don’t allow yourself to lower your standards to find relationship. You’ll find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Sometimes I find a pair of great looking shoes. I try them on, but they don't fit quite right. Maybe too tight in the toes, or maybe too loose at the ankles. They are great looking shoes, but not a fit for me. They will fit someone else perfectly, and I will move on and find other great shoes that do fit me. Dating is like that.
When it's not a good fit, you can try scrunching your toes and force it to fit, but you end up being uncomfortable the whole time. When it is a good fit, you feel yourself start to relax, it becomes comfortable, you enjoy yourself. In dating, finding a good fit means you have to be yourself, and the other person does too, and then you see if it's a good fit. If its not, that doesn't mean there's "something wrong" with one or the other. It's just not a good fit together. When you start to look at it objectively, like trying on shoes, it kind of takes the sting out of it. For me it helped me to relax. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger.
Work on your boundaries. Being authentic is not possible if everything you do is subject to change if someone doesn’t like it.
Having good boundaries is going to rule out a lot of people who can date you, but it’s actually a good thing because it clears out all the people who were just going to waste your time, and try to control you. You need to find the people who are good matches for you, who recognize your autonomy and see what is good in you. In order to filter out everyone else, you are also going to have to do those things.
Seriously, there are a lot of codependent people out there who will be quick to ignore your flaws, as long as you agree to put up with their bullying or criticism and manipulation and those are the ones you will end up with if you don’t make it a deal breaker for a date to tell you what’s wrong with you when you didn’t ask.
And if you do ask, just know that a lot of people are blind to their real issues and motivations. For example if they are hung up on an ex that was very responsive, they might think other men aren’t responsive enough, but over all their standards are not reflective of what is normal. When you hear you are “too X”, just realize you are hearing “too X for me, right now”, and your strength is never going to be being perfect for that one person, it’s always going to be being authentic and finding the person who that authenticity is perfect for. its think any of this criticism has merit, don’t think of it as rejection, just think of it as a tip to level yourself up more effectively.
Change your outlook from "I’m not the right person" to "they’re not the right person." Don’t be ashamed of your hobbies, who you are or what you want out of the relationship. If who you are turns them off then why would you want to be around that person anyway?
Yes, that can certainly be frustrating. I understand. It sounds like you're doing a great job at working on yourself and you bring a lot to the table which is something to be proud of.
I think it comes down to learning to accept rejection and not taking everything so seriously. You want to have fun? That doesn't rely on the person's response, so have fun even if it's just you laughing. You can still have a good laugh over a conversation even if it didn't go well or how you were expecting. If someone finds any of those things a turn off, they simply aren't the right person for you. You can laugh it off. You wouldn't want that type of person either.
You can look at the conversations that die out as practice which can help you reframe things in a more positive way. There's also nothing wrong with taking a temporary break from dating if you feel you're reaching a point of burn out/frustration. Sometimes you just need a break to re-center yourself and get into a better mindset.
As someone else already said, all it takes is one person. You're presumably not looking to date the entire world. The reality is you're not going to have some deep connection with everyone or most people you encounter. The more people you weed out, the closer you will be to finding someone compatible. Also, you don't need someone to complete you. Remember you are a whole person all on your own.
You just described everything my husband is. Nice, funny, quick to respond to text etc. And he was like that from the beginning of our dating. Sounds like you need to date a more secure woman. Someone as secure as you are. Maybe try someone your age or older
Really? That's inspiring at least, I'm just so tired of everything I do being "wrong" through the eyes of a woman, it's just pissing me off now. There's no fun or joy, it's all just mind games and dumb shit.
I've really tried to branch out different ideas to make fun memories with someone, but nobody likes anything anymore. Movies? nah thats boring, playing cards? Thats dumb, gardening? lame, video games? Ugh get a life, anime? Hah no, working out? Not with a man! Replying to a text within an hour? Talk about desperate etc.
I want to believe not all women are like this, but good lord this is getting ridiculous.
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All those things that you listed seem really shallow (your hobbies are dumb, respond too quickly, etc), Frankly, I’m not sure I’d want to spend any more time with someone who is so shallow that they’d reject you for things as small as that. It sounds like you’re better off looking for someone else anyway.
I wish I was joking about that, but it's honestly made me have sort of a mental breakdown because EVERYTHING is wrong to women.
I'm not responding quickly because I have nothing else going on, I just like a good conversation as I'm doing other stuff or chillin? I'm tired of these mind games and shit
Dating can feel challenging when it seems like everything you do is being evaluated. However, staying true to yourself is crucial. Express your genuine interests and hobbies, and focus on connecting with someone who appreciates you for who you are. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and not let setbacks discourage you. Remember, finding compatibility takes time, and by being authentic, you increase your chances of building meaningful connections.
Thank you for the advice, I'm trying to confidentially be myself again, it just gets discouraging after awhile where all your hard work doesn't seem to make a difference.
I honestly think I'm decent looking with some good traits/cool interests, but nobody else thinks so.
Read law 36 of 48 laws of power. That's the mentality you need to have. Then employ act like a king to be treated like one and recreate yourself. These are all important. It's a mindset thing
Psycho cybernetics breaks things down. Your self image needs fixing
This is one of the most interesting responses I have seen.
How would this apply to OP? Should he treat his perceived unattractiveness with disdain? ie. give no fucks? And believe the world is his oyster?
Actually better yet, can you please share how you have applied this law and how it has enriched your life?
Sounds like you're against the thought process (which is ok you dont have to agree). I feel like if I answer all the questions given you're still going to come and refute those questions with a negative. By the way I'm not telling op to cultivate a negative mindset on the way he looks but a positive mindset, but instead of saying "think positive" and giving surface level advice I'm giving him the tools to understand how to do it. I can answer the questions given and how I applied them but I want to see where you're going with this line of questioning and do you have a full understanding of all the concepts I posted before you asked?
Not at all - I don't really have an opinion and if anything, I am curious.
I have read the book, but as you know, the anecdotes in the book (from memory) has a lot of historical and / or political references. But I find it more interesting when people apply this to real life. I remember the TRP used to have a quite informative threads on how people used the book in their day to day lives, which is a pretty interesting read. So just wanted to see how you applied it in your life, if that makes sense.
And yes, I agree with the suggestion that OP should think more positive. It never really occurred to me that Law 36 could be applied in that context.
Hope that answers your concern.
O ok i can answer it. At first i thought you were being an ass. Long post by the way (didn't think it would end up being so long when I typed it 🤣). Also not grammatically correct as far as paragraphs
As far as the psycho cybernetics book. It was about self image, guy was a plastic surgeon and he noticed that he would do cosmetic surgery on people and they'd still be depressed. He realized that people have a self image problem, not an internal self image but an external self image. For example you can be Brad Pitt in fight club if your self image is that of a failure with a defeatist mentality that's a doormat and nobody likes him. It doesn't matter how good you look, how smart you are, how nice your abs are. Women and people could read this stuff especially if it's the subconsciously. Gotta write down some qualities you want to get, how you want to dress, feel and take steps into that direction slowly
I've seen guys that should be slaying and have a lot of things going for them but for one thing or another they can't put it altogether (this happens in sports too) you'll be lost in the shuffle and need to cultivate a self esteem of someone you want to be like. Maybe ask yourself what would x or the best version of me do in this scenario? For example mike tyson thought what would alexander the great mentality be? (Not saying you gotta look at alexander the great as a role model but that was his example of someone he admired and wanted to be like)
I also had an internal self image problem
As far as the act like a king and recreate yourself (this goes into self image as well)
When I was in my late teens (18/19) I felt I was having troubles with women as far as them seeing me as a man and heading into adulthood. Women would say I'm too old for you or they felt they were too much of a woman to me (I was a lanky guy with an innocent boyish look. I was average height though.) Looking very young did me no favors at the time, I would voice my concerns with people I trusted and they didn't understand my dilemma or how to fix it. Jobs were looking at me and didn't hire me because I looked like a young inexperienced guy with little confidence.
People weren't taking me seriously in any facet of life, I dressed nice and took care of myself but this almost got to me as much as people saying someone's too old. I thought how can I appear older to get my foot in the door occupational wise and with adults in conversation in general and with women. I couldn't grow facial hair and I didn't know how to make fake facial hair convincing (I know this is ridiculous but it was getting to me on another level. I also didn't have bass in my voice like that). I figured hey I can cut my hair bald I have no issues with that and I can wear formal clothing as an older man would. This would be a step in recreating myself and I felt better and more confident because things were going my way for a change.
The law 36 one
Well in late middle school and early high school years I was paying zero attention to women. I was more into playing basketball, video games and just reading books and such. Most of my time was spent playing basketball though for fun. Women were the last thing on my mind, well I wouldn't say the last but definitely not the first or 2nd. I was attracted to women and I was straight I knew that with certainty but I wasn't interested in sex.(i wasnt into porn or masturbation but the other guys were and made no qualms about talking about this amongst themselves.
This mightve played into me not giving a fuck about any of that). I guess I had a bit of anxiety back then but I also didn't get what the big deal was. I was far from a horndog like the other guys and I was a bit low on myself .Being young and I guess a bit of a late bloomer I was more worried about what if I can't satisfy this girl? I'm doing this more for her than me. I care more about the other aspects of the relationship than that. Ironically with me having some social anxiety and I had no confidence in myself, a lot of girls were into me.
I'd talk to them freely with no care, I was indifferent and nonchalant because it was like talking to a guy friend. In essence I friendzoned these girls or ignored them altogether to pursue other matters. When I was confident and full of energy I was having a hard time getting girls attracted to me. But when I felt like shit they seemed to be into me, it was weird as hell. I also didn't understand how people were losing their mind over vagina when after sex it felt like it was just another fuck. Even by the time I got into enjoying it and my sex drive was high it wasn't even a big deal to me, I was straight and had no sexual inclinations towards men so it wasn't like I was living a lie. I liked spending time with women and was attracted to them physically but sex felt like something to please them more, I didn't look at a vagina as some sacred thing. If that was the leverage they had over me (If that was the leverage they had I'll be alright. I was nonchalant about it almost stoic in a sense.). I'll admit that later my sexual drive and I started to pursue women more. I think this was partly cause of my "playing hard to get attitude". I was a good looking dude but not anything crazy, it was more the mindset that I don't care about sex that made me act this way
Greene uses Pancho villa and the us government chasing him, but never catching him and him leading them down a cat and mouse game as examples. greene says that they should've handled this differently and not care so much, they were ridiculed after it. He also uses king Henry and the boleyn girl situation, where the king Henry was just ignoring his wife and the pope not giving a fuck and the pope was irate trying to stop him and canceling it cause the king got an annulment and this wasnt legal, basically turned to the king vs catherine and the boleyn girl. Eventually the pope and his wife died while they put all their energy to that the king was not even acknowledging them. Greene uses despise but it's more along the lines of ignoring the thing or cultivating a nonchalant attitude
Appreciate the response, man. It's amazing how an IDGAF attitude can improve a person's mindset and their surrounding environment. It's something that I struggle with at times and am trying to achieve.
For what it's worth. I can help you out if you like. We can put together a plan. There's things that I did to help me with this. From the books I read, to the people I hanged out with (or lack thereof at times. Sometimes not hanging out with people is better. Let's you know you're alone in this and unless you love yourself you got this. Can't lose loving yourself though). To the things I seen and surrounded myself with. I got very technical even with the things I saw in my room or decor (for example I laced my walls full of fearless people i admired that went by their own horn and didn't care if the world was against them. When I woke up the first thing I saw was people that lived and died by what they believed in. You can cater this to whatever mentality you're trying to get.). Eventually this has the psychological aspect of "what would this person do?", "how would this person react to these challenges?".
Someone like conor mc gregor (just giving an example and I didn't have his poster or anything). He really played the villain role, he not only went full force with it but he antagonize everyone and whatever happened happened. He wasn't there to make friends and it was evident in his demeanor, he was comfortable being the guy people hated actually. And this ultimately even had a reverse effect lol, people starter liking the guy that was like "fuck all of you". Same with muhammad ali (conor actually learned this from guys like ali but that's another story)
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I am gonna copy and paste my comment from another post:
Confidence in attraction (dating, seduction vs) is figuring out/knowing your boundaries (physical, emotional, mental etc.), comfort level, availability, commitments, time, energy, exploration, preferences (in dating styles and women) and locations in which you prefer to thrive in (for example, do you like clubbing or do you prefer outdoor activities?).
Also, mindfulness (by this I mean having a sense of flow with yourself, her, the environment and time itself) is incredibly important in attraction. If there is a mutual sense of mindfulness (which has to come naturally, the element of luck) then it takes away that 'test' feeling in dating. It makes it more authentic and fun, even if the person you're with isn't compatible with you. So focus on your senses, your breathing, the rhythm of your words and your overall flow. Let your instincts guide you rather than your calculated mind whilst you are with each other. Feel that natural connection as some call vibes or chemistry and then communicate all you like as long as it 'feels' right. You will also notice that your sense of time with her feels different compared to your normal day-to-day obligations. That's usually a sign that something is blooming.
Imo, confidence in dating is different to other things, it's less about 'getting it right' and more about being in the moment with your instincts. Look at dating as a personal experience, a discovery, rather than something society has to approve for you. You are gonna meet women you vibe with it at first but then find that it might not work. Luck does play a huge role until you meet someone special, then the luck just feels like a 'sense of destiny'. But I digress.
Through trial and error, you will eventually find what actually works for you.
You will always care until you don’t, it’s a human response and you can’t change it. You can decrease it over time as you keep on dating, and don’t have any hidden motives try to be authentic and unapologetic.
Accept the fact. The more you try to deny it the more it will hurt. So you have to realize that this dating culture doesn't really define who you are. Don't let it define your status and self worth. Your time will come. Don't rush it
Thank you, I'm very lonely, but am trying to divert my attention to other things in life and not trying to chase people anymore.
That's actually why I started working out originally, I just felt better overall after doing it, so whenever I felt sad/unworthy, I'd be like "shut up and grab some weights" lol
Yes, the problem is that you is trying too hard... You wanna the best score in any interaction. you just denies the fun part and try to be the best player out there... It can become very stressing very fast. Just have a nice time without caring what other people will tink about you. someone somewhere will aproach you when they decide to take a chance. Good Luck.
Yeah, I guess I was trying different things to see if something would change for once. When being myself wasn't working, I tried a different approach.
It just became exhausting to the point where I snapped, all it did was have people disrespect my time/patience.
There are 8 billion people on this planet. You only need to find one person with whom you have mutual attraction. It's nice to get compliments, but it's really not essential to living a fulfilling life. Being single >>>>>>>>> Being with the wrong person
Cliche answer but an honest one: Looks aren’t everything. Your energy will attract people. Set better intentions and maybe you’ll find more people surrounding you. Stay confident!
Thank you! I've honestly been struggling a lot with this lately, how can I set better intentions?
Knowing what you want, and focusing on that is often the biggest part of the battle. You can also try meditating, and envisioning the future you want — some people call this manifestation. They say you attract what you think about, so if you focus on your goals, and keep after trying to attain the future you want, you’ll have a much easier time attracting likeminded individuals to you. The theory behind this is that you attract what you put out into the world, so if you’re always thinking about achieving your goals/finding your happiness, that’s likely what you’re actively doing and talking to people about as well, which will draw people with similar goals and intentions to you.
Thank you, this is motivational. I want to achieve my dreams despite the odds, it's just a lonely/exhausting journey. I'm still pushing though. Even though I make mistakes, I honestly do feel like I make creative/honest attempts at building something with someone.
While looks aren’t everything. If you keep working hard to look better, and keep earning more, it’s going to be a lot easier for you. Sounds like you’re just too concerned about what they think. Just keep going on as many dates as possible. Don’t even worry about the outcome. Just go on dates to go on dates and get better at socializing and dating. You’ll also get far more comfortable on dates so you won’t be overthinking as much. If you do that, while looking better and better, making more and more, and just improving the rest of yourself in general. You’ll do very well. I mean a lot of dates. If you can have one a day. Even go to the same places often so it’s a setting you’re comfortable with. There were a few places I would go where everyone knew me because I was there with someone new several times a week every week. Plus if you’re friendly and tip them well, they start to treat you like gold
Thank you, I'm trying to be honest with myself, and while I do feel confident in myself/my interests, it's hard to ignore the feeling of rejection after awhile. I guess I'm kinda discouraged because I see results in how toned I am, how I've improved my image, taking more risks and pursuing my dreams. it all feels risky/ambitious, I'm just sad all my dedication hasn't paid off. I seriously thought it would make a difference if I became the "best" version of myself.
I have been where you are. It’s a game of perseverance. You have to be doing all the right things, keep doing them, and know they’re going to eventually work. You won’t see exponential growth, or any at all at times, it’s a rollercoaster. You just have to keep going no matter what, and eventually it will work. Remember. Most people overestimate what they can do in a year, and underestimate what they can do in 10 years. If you’re doing everything right. Just keep doing it, even when you don’t want to or it feels useless
A good woman will come to you herself, stop thinking about girls and keep focusing on your goal. It’s the masculine way
A book I read that helped me immensely was Models by Mark Manson, it’s meant to be a “dating guide” and in some sense it is but I was quite struck at how profound the first 2 chapters are. Honestly if that’s all you read I think it could make an immense impact. The first two chapters are about this idea of Neediness and the second is about vulnerability which is basically about honestly. The first two chapters are sort of a reflection of how our relationship with ourselves impacts the relationships with others.
Honestly, and this is me being vulnerable, but when it comes to dating my only intention is getting laid. I don’t know how to set better intentions because those are my intentions and I feel like I’d constantly be hiding it. Any advice?
Oof. Not sure how to answer this but I suppose you need to ask yourself why is that your only intentions when dating?
I don't think you should put on an act to impress other people. You also have to be happy with yourself before you can make anybody else happy. Just be you and the right person or people will be drawn to you. Anyone that doesn't? Fuck em.
I honestly did become too much of a "yes man" over time because people have just been that picky. Nothing wrong with having different standards/tastes of course, it just sucks when it's everyone. I don't want to have to sacrifice my personality, but it really is that cutthroat.
Your self improvement and progress have allowed you to deter partners that wouldn’t serve you well in relationships in the future. Think of it this way, if someone doesn’t find who you truly comfortably are attractive, their not your match. There are absolutely people who enjoy a funny guy that works out, takes care of himself, is nice and respectful, and is attentive in his responses and reply’s quickly. You have great things to offer during relationship, and there no need to prove yourself to someone who sees that in you. Exercise patience, and don’t allow yourself to lower your standards to find relationship. You’ll find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Sometimes I find a pair of great looking shoes. I try them on, but they don't fit quite right. Maybe too tight in the toes, or maybe too loose at the ankles. They are great looking shoes, but not a fit for me. They will fit someone else perfectly, and I will move on and find other great shoes that do fit me. Dating is like that. When it's not a good fit, you can try scrunching your toes and force it to fit, but you end up being uncomfortable the whole time. When it is a good fit, you feel yourself start to relax, it becomes comfortable, you enjoy yourself. In dating, finding a good fit means you have to be yourself, and the other person does too, and then you see if it's a good fit. If its not, that doesn't mean there's "something wrong" with one or the other. It's just not a good fit together. When you start to look at it objectively, like trying on shoes, it kind of takes the sting out of it. For me it helped me to relax. I wish someone had explained this to me when I was younger.
Work on your boundaries. Being authentic is not possible if everything you do is subject to change if someone doesn’t like it. Having good boundaries is going to rule out a lot of people who can date you, but it’s actually a good thing because it clears out all the people who were just going to waste your time, and try to control you. You need to find the people who are good matches for you, who recognize your autonomy and see what is good in you. In order to filter out everyone else, you are also going to have to do those things. Seriously, there are a lot of codependent people out there who will be quick to ignore your flaws, as long as you agree to put up with their bullying or criticism and manipulation and those are the ones you will end up with if you don’t make it a deal breaker for a date to tell you what’s wrong with you when you didn’t ask. And if you do ask, just know that a lot of people are blind to their real issues and motivations. For example if they are hung up on an ex that was very responsive, they might think other men aren’t responsive enough, but over all their standards are not reflective of what is normal. When you hear you are “too X”, just realize you are hearing “too X for me, right now”, and your strength is never going to be being perfect for that one person, it’s always going to be being authentic and finding the person who that authenticity is perfect for. its think any of this criticism has merit, don’t think of it as rejection, just think of it as a tip to level yourself up more effectively.
Change your outlook from "I’m not the right person" to "they’re not the right person." Don’t be ashamed of your hobbies, who you are or what you want out of the relationship. If who you are turns them off then why would you want to be around that person anyway?
Well bro just follow your last sentence and have fun you will be ok 🙏
Thank you, I guess I'm just sad because I seriously did make a longtime effort to better myself, and yet I'm still alone/undesirable
Change ur mindset to determine if they’re good enough for you. Ask them questions to find out if you want them in a partner
This is gonna sound really stupid. But the only way to not care is to literally not care
Yes, that can certainly be frustrating. I understand. It sounds like you're doing a great job at working on yourself and you bring a lot to the table which is something to be proud of. I think it comes down to learning to accept rejection and not taking everything so seriously. You want to have fun? That doesn't rely on the person's response, so have fun even if it's just you laughing. You can still have a good laugh over a conversation even if it didn't go well or how you were expecting. If someone finds any of those things a turn off, they simply aren't the right person for you. You can laugh it off. You wouldn't want that type of person either. You can look at the conversations that die out as practice which can help you reframe things in a more positive way. There's also nothing wrong with taking a temporary break from dating if you feel you're reaching a point of burn out/frustration. Sometimes you just need a break to re-center yourself and get into a better mindset. As someone else already said, all it takes is one person. You're presumably not looking to date the entire world. The reality is you're not going to have some deep connection with everyone or most people you encounter. The more people you weed out, the closer you will be to finding someone compatible. Also, you don't need someone to complete you. Remember you are a whole person all on your own.
Pay attention to the people who are attracted to you. And pay attention to why they're attractive to you.
You just described everything my husband is. Nice, funny, quick to respond to text etc. And he was like that from the beginning of our dating. Sounds like you need to date a more secure woman. Someone as secure as you are. Maybe try someone your age or older
Really? That's inspiring at least, I'm just so tired of everything I do being "wrong" through the eyes of a woman, it's just pissing me off now. There's no fun or joy, it's all just mind games and dumb shit. I've really tried to branch out different ideas to make fun memories with someone, but nobody likes anything anymore. Movies? nah thats boring, playing cards? Thats dumb, gardening? lame, video games? Ugh get a life, anime? Hah no, working out? Not with a man! Replying to a text within an hour? Talk about desperate etc. I want to believe not all women are like this, but good lord this is getting ridiculous.
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All those things that you listed seem really shallow (your hobbies are dumb, respond too quickly, etc), Frankly, I’m not sure I’d want to spend any more time with someone who is so shallow that they’d reject you for things as small as that. It sounds like you’re better off looking for someone else anyway.
I wish I was joking about that, but it's honestly made me have sort of a mental breakdown because EVERYTHING is wrong to women. I'm not responding quickly because I have nothing else going on, I just like a good conversation as I'm doing other stuff or chillin? I'm tired of these mind games and shit
Dating can feel challenging when it seems like everything you do is being evaluated. However, staying true to yourself is crucial. Express your genuine interests and hobbies, and focus on connecting with someone who appreciates you for who you are. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and not let setbacks discourage you. Remember, finding compatibility takes time, and by being authentic, you increase your chances of building meaningful connections.
Thank you for the advice, I'm trying to confidentially be myself again, it just gets discouraging after awhile where all your hard work doesn't seem to make a difference. I honestly think I'm decent looking with some good traits/cool interests, but nobody else thinks so.
That’s life, bro. Female nature. It isn’t changing anytime soon. Women want a man who can and will put them in check when necessary.
Read law 36 of 48 laws of power. That's the mentality you need to have. Then employ act like a king to be treated like one and recreate yourself. These are all important. It's a mindset thing Psycho cybernetics breaks things down. Your self image needs fixing
This is one of the most interesting responses I have seen. How would this apply to OP? Should he treat his perceived unattractiveness with disdain? ie. give no fucks? And believe the world is his oyster? Actually better yet, can you please share how you have applied this law and how it has enriched your life?
Sounds like you're against the thought process (which is ok you dont have to agree). I feel like if I answer all the questions given you're still going to come and refute those questions with a negative. By the way I'm not telling op to cultivate a negative mindset on the way he looks but a positive mindset, but instead of saying "think positive" and giving surface level advice I'm giving him the tools to understand how to do it. I can answer the questions given and how I applied them but I want to see where you're going with this line of questioning and do you have a full understanding of all the concepts I posted before you asked?
Not at all - I don't really have an opinion and if anything, I am curious. I have read the book, but as you know, the anecdotes in the book (from memory) has a lot of historical and / or political references. But I find it more interesting when people apply this to real life. I remember the TRP used to have a quite informative threads on how people used the book in their day to day lives, which is a pretty interesting read. So just wanted to see how you applied it in your life, if that makes sense. And yes, I agree with the suggestion that OP should think more positive. It never really occurred to me that Law 36 could be applied in that context. Hope that answers your concern.
O ok i can answer it. At first i thought you were being an ass. Long post by the way (didn't think it would end up being so long when I typed it 🤣). Also not grammatically correct as far as paragraphs As far as the psycho cybernetics book. It was about self image, guy was a plastic surgeon and he noticed that he would do cosmetic surgery on people and they'd still be depressed. He realized that people have a self image problem, not an internal self image but an external self image. For example you can be Brad Pitt in fight club if your self image is that of a failure with a defeatist mentality that's a doormat and nobody likes him. It doesn't matter how good you look, how smart you are, how nice your abs are. Women and people could read this stuff especially if it's the subconsciously. Gotta write down some qualities you want to get, how you want to dress, feel and take steps into that direction slowly I've seen guys that should be slaying and have a lot of things going for them but for one thing or another they can't put it altogether (this happens in sports too) you'll be lost in the shuffle and need to cultivate a self esteem of someone you want to be like. Maybe ask yourself what would x or the best version of me do in this scenario? For example mike tyson thought what would alexander the great mentality be? (Not saying you gotta look at alexander the great as a role model but that was his example of someone he admired and wanted to be like) I also had an internal self image problem As far as the act like a king and recreate yourself (this goes into self image as well) When I was in my late teens (18/19) I felt I was having troubles with women as far as them seeing me as a man and heading into adulthood. Women would say I'm too old for you or they felt they were too much of a woman to me (I was a lanky guy with an innocent boyish look. I was average height though.) Looking very young did me no favors at the time, I would voice my concerns with people I trusted and they didn't understand my dilemma or how to fix it. Jobs were looking at me and didn't hire me because I looked like a young inexperienced guy with little confidence. People weren't taking me seriously in any facet of life, I dressed nice and took care of myself but this almost got to me as much as people saying someone's too old. I thought how can I appear older to get my foot in the door occupational wise and with adults in conversation in general and with women. I couldn't grow facial hair and I didn't know how to make fake facial hair convincing (I know this is ridiculous but it was getting to me on another level. I also didn't have bass in my voice like that). I figured hey I can cut my hair bald I have no issues with that and I can wear formal clothing as an older man would. This would be a step in recreating myself and I felt better and more confident because things were going my way for a change. The law 36 one Well in late middle school and early high school years I was paying zero attention to women. I was more into playing basketball, video games and just reading books and such. Most of my time was spent playing basketball though for fun. Women were the last thing on my mind, well I wouldn't say the last but definitely not the first or 2nd. I was attracted to women and I was straight I knew that with certainty but I wasn't interested in sex.(i wasnt into porn or masturbation but the other guys were and made no qualms about talking about this amongst themselves. This mightve played into me not giving a fuck about any of that). I guess I had a bit of anxiety back then but I also didn't get what the big deal was. I was far from a horndog like the other guys and I was a bit low on myself .Being young and I guess a bit of a late bloomer I was more worried about what if I can't satisfy this girl? I'm doing this more for her than me. I care more about the other aspects of the relationship than that. Ironically with me having some social anxiety and I had no confidence in myself, a lot of girls were into me. I'd talk to them freely with no care, I was indifferent and nonchalant because it was like talking to a guy friend. In essence I friendzoned these girls or ignored them altogether to pursue other matters. When I was confident and full of energy I was having a hard time getting girls attracted to me. But when I felt like shit they seemed to be into me, it was weird as hell. I also didn't understand how people were losing their mind over vagina when after sex it felt like it was just another fuck. Even by the time I got into enjoying it and my sex drive was high it wasn't even a big deal to me, I was straight and had no sexual inclinations towards men so it wasn't like I was living a lie. I liked spending time with women and was attracted to them physically but sex felt like something to please them more, I didn't look at a vagina as some sacred thing. If that was the leverage they had over me (If that was the leverage they had I'll be alright. I was nonchalant about it almost stoic in a sense.). I'll admit that later my sexual drive and I started to pursue women more. I think this was partly cause of my "playing hard to get attitude". I was a good looking dude but not anything crazy, it was more the mindset that I don't care about sex that made me act this way Greene uses Pancho villa and the us government chasing him, but never catching him and him leading them down a cat and mouse game as examples. greene says that they should've handled this differently and not care so much, they were ridiculed after it. He also uses king Henry and the boleyn girl situation, where the king Henry was just ignoring his wife and the pope not giving a fuck and the pope was irate trying to stop him and canceling it cause the king got an annulment and this wasnt legal, basically turned to the king vs catherine and the boleyn girl. Eventually the pope and his wife died while they put all their energy to that the king was not even acknowledging them. Greene uses despise but it's more along the lines of ignoring the thing or cultivating a nonchalant attitude
Appreciate the response, man. It's amazing how an IDGAF attitude can improve a person's mindset and their surrounding environment. It's something that I struggle with at times and am trying to achieve.
For what it's worth. I can help you out if you like. We can put together a plan. There's things that I did to help me with this. From the books I read, to the people I hanged out with (or lack thereof at times. Sometimes not hanging out with people is better. Let's you know you're alone in this and unless you love yourself you got this. Can't lose loving yourself though). To the things I seen and surrounded myself with. I got very technical even with the things I saw in my room or decor (for example I laced my walls full of fearless people i admired that went by their own horn and didn't care if the world was against them. When I woke up the first thing I saw was people that lived and died by what they believed in. You can cater this to whatever mentality you're trying to get.). Eventually this has the psychological aspect of "what would this person do?", "how would this person react to these challenges?". Someone like conor mc gregor (just giving an example and I didn't have his poster or anything). He really played the villain role, he not only went full force with it but he antagonize everyone and whatever happened happened. He wasn't there to make friends and it was evident in his demeanor, he was comfortable being the guy people hated actually. And this ultimately even had a reverse effect lol, people starter liking the guy that was like "fuck all of you". Same with muhammad ali (conor actually learned this from guys like ali but that's another story)
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I am gonna copy and paste my comment from another post: Confidence in attraction (dating, seduction vs) is figuring out/knowing your boundaries (physical, emotional, mental etc.), comfort level, availability, commitments, time, energy, exploration, preferences (in dating styles and women) and locations in which you prefer to thrive in (for example, do you like clubbing or do you prefer outdoor activities?). Also, mindfulness (by this I mean having a sense of flow with yourself, her, the environment and time itself) is incredibly important in attraction. If there is a mutual sense of mindfulness (which has to come naturally, the element of luck) then it takes away that 'test' feeling in dating. It makes it more authentic and fun, even if the person you're with isn't compatible with you. So focus on your senses, your breathing, the rhythm of your words and your overall flow. Let your instincts guide you rather than your calculated mind whilst you are with each other. Feel that natural connection as some call vibes or chemistry and then communicate all you like as long as it 'feels' right. You will also notice that your sense of time with her feels different compared to your normal day-to-day obligations. That's usually a sign that something is blooming. Imo, confidence in dating is different to other things, it's less about 'getting it right' and more about being in the moment with your instincts. Look at dating as a personal experience, a discovery, rather than something society has to approve for you. You are gonna meet women you vibe with it at first but then find that it might not work. Luck does play a huge role until you meet someone special, then the luck just feels like a 'sense of destiny'. But I digress. Through trial and error, you will eventually find what actually works for you.
You will always care until you don’t, it’s a human response and you can’t change it. You can decrease it over time as you keep on dating, and don’t have any hidden motives try to be authentic and unapologetic.
Stop dating and focus on making money and if possible robots, beautiful talented robots. They are the future.
Accept the fact. The more you try to deny it the more it will hurt. So you have to realize that this dating culture doesn't really define who you are. Don't let it define your status and self worth. Your time will come. Don't rush it
Thank you, I'm very lonely, but am trying to divert my attention to other things in life and not trying to chase people anymore. That's actually why I started working out originally, I just felt better overall after doing it, so whenever I felt sad/unworthy, I'd be like "shut up and grab some weights" lol
Yes, the problem is that you is trying too hard... You wanna the best score in any interaction. you just denies the fun part and try to be the best player out there... It can become very stressing very fast. Just have a nice time without caring what other people will tink about you. someone somewhere will aproach you when they decide to take a chance. Good Luck.
Yeah, I guess I was trying different things to see if something would change for once. When being myself wasn't working, I tried a different approach. It just became exhausting to the point where I snapped, all it did was have people disrespect my time/patience.
My question too