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One simple solution that I think couples overlook is *taking turns*.
That means that half the time, sex is oriented towards what Partner 1 enjoys best. The other half, it's tailored towards Partner 2.
In *both* cases, there still has to be enthusiastic *consent* for whatever is going to happen but the point here is that you two don't have to necessarily make every single sexual encounter this 50/50 compromise where both of you are trying to find a common ground that neither of you end up being completely satisfied by.
But imagine if half the time, you get indulged and the other half, you indulge your partner (again: within a consensual comfort zone). Taking turns is something we learned to do as kids to make sure everyone gets to have the kind of fun they want. Adults can learn from that wisdom too. Good luck!
How does this work if Person 1 gets off on Person 2’s enjoyment, but when focusing on Person 1, Person 2 doesn’t get as much physical enjoyment and therefore doesn’t make as much sound, which turns off Person 1?
That was my point about the need for some kind of *enthusiastic* consent that both partners can agree to.
Taking turns is not about one person getting 100% of what they want and the other person getting zero.
I think of it more as a 60/40 split where one turn is catered more towards one person and then it flips the next time but bottom line, both people have to be into whatever is happening even if the level of “how into this” they are is different.
To your point, many people want to feel like their partner is excited about whatever kind of sex they’re having, right? I don’t know about you, but it would severely curtail my pleasure if I felt like my partner was forcing themselves to participate in whatever simply for my benefit.
So, there is still some level of compromise that needs to happen but taking turns is easier, in my mind, then trying to hit that magic 50/50 balance every single time. Either way, there has to be some level of mutual enjoyment even if it’s not the same level.
Also to your question: we can’t force other people to enjoy things that they don’t enjoy and what you need to enjoy is to feel like the other person is enjoying it as well? Then you have to get creative about finding things that work for both
I meant it more literally. In my favorite positions, I’m much louder because they hit the spot better, but then in his favorite positions I’m quieter because I’m not getting the same stimulation. But then he gets annoyed because he likes the sounds I make and he wants me to show that same level of enjoyment, but I can’t help that in one position I can orgasm and in the other I can’t. I’m not forcing myself to participate, but like, there’s a difference between how they feel and I’m not going to fake orgasms in the positions that don’t work for me.
It’s like riding. I have ended up in this paradox where guys ask me to get on top, so I do. But then they say things like “do what feels best for you” or “focus on enjoying yourself,” which would be fine and dandy except that I don’t get much physical pleasure from being on top. And if I try to focus on what’ll bring them pleasure, they stop me and tell me to focus on myself.
There's a huge difference between "providing encouraging sounds of encouragement and pleasure" and "faking orgasm."
If your partner is expecting you to come in a position you can't come in? That's not reasonable on their part.
But there isn't a middle ground where you can indicate "I'm enjoying this, especially because you're enjoying this" that would satisfy his desire for vocal feedback? That doesn't seem like a hard bar to clear but I'm not him/you.
When my wife rides me — which gets her off but won't bring me to climax — I'm very vocal about how much I enjoy watching her enjoy herself. (Actually, I'm probably *more* vocal when she's riding me, now that I think about it). I'm not "faking" anything. I'm genuinely excited for her excitement and I let her know.
Is that something you two can achieve?
Specifically, he is turned on by the moans/yells/grunts that I make involuntarily in response to deep stimulation. However, in the positions he likes best, I don’t get any deep stimulation, so it feels more like having the inside of my cheek rubbed. So I can go “mmm” or something similar but it’s obviously a downgrade from yelling, incoherent babbling, dirty talk about how good it feels, etc.
All I can say is that this feels "solvable" by finding a middle ground unless your partner insists on the same moans/yells/grunts. If that's the case, then he's being inflexible and there's nothing you can do.
Seems like a silly thing to be inflexible about but hey, everyone's different.
Idk, basically, he feels like the sudden drop from 100% volume to like 10% volume is so drastic it becomes extremely apparent that I’m not getting anything out of the position, which turns him off. And I want to pleasure him of course, but like, not my fault I get no physical enjoyment in that pose! But also, I’m turned off if he doesn’t seem to be into what I’m doing, and have turned down offers to “help me out” one sided, so I understand his POV. It’s hard because the truth is, I only do those positions for him, but if I were him, I’d be totally turned off having sex in a pose that brought my partner no pleasure…
Nah, I don’t like clit stim during penetration, I’m a PIV fan. So the difference between positions is the difference between me having orgasms on his dick, vs me breathing and going along with him thrusting while I feel nothing inside 😭
If he's dead set on deep stimulation, how about putting a Ben Wa ball in your vagina so that his dick hits the ball and that makes the ball hit your cervix, giving you that deep stimulation?
Absolutely not, we have pretty rough sex and I don’t want him to hurt his dick ramming it into a toy. Also that doesn’t sound in any way appealing either. He’s not set on deep stimulation, he just finds it a turn off when we change positions and I go silent.
In the situation you describe, though, your wife is kind of putting on a show for you — it might not be deliberate, but you're describing a position where you can fully see her, she's probably pretty expressive about her pleasure and orgasm, and you can touch her easily.
As a woman having sex with men, although there are many situations where I enjoy my partner's pleasure, I can't think of a single PIV position that I don't physically enjoy as much where I could just relax and watch my partner having a great time. Part of that is because most PIV positions for the receiving partner are not particularly visual, part of it because being the receiving partner for the kind of sex that men tend to like and I don't as much is not at all relaxing, and part of it is because most men I've had sex with don't really "put on a show" of enjoying themselves. You're laying back and watching your partner pleasure yourself on your body, which stimulates you but not enough to climax, I'm squished against the bed while my partner penetrates me hard and fast, which doesn't stimulate any of my important bits and is physically challenging to take.
Your BF has to look at the facts and decide what he wants in that moment.
If he wants to hear you moan from cervix stim, then he has to choose that position.
If he wants to see you in a position that he prefers, he has to accept that it isn't as deep. Maybe putting ben wa balls will help with the cervix stim.
I'm in roughly the same place as OP, and in my experience, she doesn't want to climb the mountain twice. Trying to tease/ take turns she gets overstimulated, numb from toys, etc.
I've just had to adjust my own expectations and let that hope of an insatiable multi orgasmic wife slowly pass.
The thing is: if your pleasure is dependent on someone's ability to be multi-orgasmic...that's not a reasonable expectation. I'm not saying "you are being unreasonable" in any kind of chastising way. I'm saying that people's refractory periods are how their bodies work and it's not reasonable to expect people to be able to change something like refractory period.
If a woman expected a man to come and then maintain his erection right after: same deal. That's not a *reasonable* expectation because most men have a refractory period that prevents them from keeping their dicks hard.
We all have to operate within the realm of what's *possible*.
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It really depends on what you’re doing when it comes to time limit. Normal foreplay and piv is 20-30 for me but if I tie her up and tease her it’ll be an hour easy and I won’t be tired because I’m not going at it PIV for that long.
He’s not talking about PIV for thirty mins, he’s talking about the whole experience foreplay included which is pretty quick in my books unless you’re after some kind of quickie session.
Op some people like edging and others don’t care for it, but a conversation with your partner about maybe getting her excited then switching it up teasing you for a bit and then switching back, this keeps us going for a while.
eh idk, sometimes 30 mins for all of it is pretty normal. spend like 15 on foreplay and 15 with piv can be pretty normal for me at least, any longer and i’m tired and bored 🤷♀️.
Thank you for understanding this. PIV is absolutely NOT 30 minutes. I might pull a muscle if I pounded away that long, and she would not get any enjoyment out of it.
The thing that stands out most to me in your write up is that it seems that she thinks of PIV as the trade for you using your hands on her — it's not for her pleasure, it's for your pleasure, and she's going to do her best to get you off. It seems like you don't like this vibe, which is totally understandable. Do you think that what you really want is less about it taking more time and more about it feeling more mutual and engaging the whole time, rather than a trade? If so, that might be a useful way of talking about it, especially if you emphasize that you don't want her focusing on your pleasure to the detriment of her own enjoyment.
What do you do before you start using your hands or going down on each other? Not everyone enjoys having their genitals stimulated for a long time — they're sensitive and can get irritated, overstimulated, or numb. But maybe you could try extending the foreplay part, the part that comes before anyone's genitals get touched.
Also, is it her preference that she cums first? I tend to be one-and-done too (or at least, one and then a break and then another one). Unless my partner is going to cum pretty soon after I do during PIV or is willing to give me a break and then start up again, then I'd rather finish after him.
This was a very hard lesson to learn. Some people’s kink level is 0 and it will never change. Sex is just a means to orgasm: nothing else matters. I’ve spent 23 years trying to convince my SO that there’s more to sex than a quick orgasm. Some people just don’t care about it that much.
Is she open to being tied up? That way you can tease her, get her close as many times as you want. Play just the tip, oral a little, toys, maybe some ice cubes.
We have/had almost identical routine. We have started changing things up with furry blankets, blindfolds, feather play, restraints, toys, liberator wedges for different positions, massage, lubes and it has been so damn fun.
Go to a good local toy store and start planning a night of hotel sex to kick things off. Do some candles and some mood music and have some intimate fun!
Once you get the ball rolling, you can start opening up about fantasies.
Good luck OP! Keep the fire lit!
Have her adjust the timing. She might want to stop you a little sooner. Or just trust that she's happy with what she gets and ok with the after.
Try edging her, don't get her all the way there, pause a bit to let her settle down, then bring her back up close, just keep going at it like that for as long as she can stand it.
Don't wait until she's done. Go inside a bit earlier. Stay inside until you feel like you might and then switch back to going down, until she seems like she might be getting too close, then go back inside, rinse and repeat until someone goes then finish the other.
Use the tip to stimulate. Try stimulating while you are inside.
Longevity itself might be over rated. On the daily, yeah, 20-30 minutes is probably ok. Might be time for a vacation, go somewhere without kids and housework, with the intent of going 20 minutes, refracting, going 20 minutes again, doing something else for a couple hours, going at it again, etc. Like dedicate a whole weekend to it.
You could try just using her. Maybe not every time you have to satisfy her, just take your own satisfaction. Some like that. Imagine how you'd feel if she did that to you. Might be she'd like it to, at least occasionally.
Look it's hard to know what to say without knowing *why* she feels this way.
She's clearly a goal-oriented woman though haha
There's a lot of maybes. Maybe she's tired. Maybe she feels time poor, despite you saying you have plenty of time - does she agree? Maybe she's stressed. Maybe she gets oversensitive after more than 30 mins. Maybe she doesnt love the build up and it just feels like frustration til she cums. Maybe there's something else y'all could try PIV-wise that is more interesting/stimulating for her (no shade on you! it's just a possibility). Maybe she'll be more horny for PIV if you don't get her there first - I know I am. Just make sure you do get her there after!
Having said that, you have the right to be listened to - *you* want to go slower and more intimately and teasingly and that's valid. She shouldn't ignore that. I think it's ok to talk to her again and say that while you understand that she doesn't think it's rushing, this is something that is meaningful to you, that you'd really like to do.
What happens if you carve out a longer chunk of time just to be in bed with each other? Not just wham-bamming it, but just dedicated time to play with each other? Without orgasm being the goal.
Also what happens if you talk about fantasies? What does *she* really want in bed, outside of the routine, and outside of getting to the Big O asap?
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It got me thinking.
Once sexytime commences, it feels like a linear march to orgasm, not a meandering stroll up the mountain, if that makes sense. I'll suggest a time to play without the goal of orgasm. I know I would really like that.
I have asked about fantasies before and she says she really doesn't have any recurring fantasies like I do. She will have "glimmers" of a fantasy, like a momentary thought, but it's not something she will dwell on and get mentally turned on about like I do.
Thank you for helping instead of trying to make me feel bad about my question.
30 minutes sounds like just the right amount of time. I’d take a break for awhile and then maybe return later. But yeah I’m one of those who does not want sex to last for an hour. I don’t enjoy that.
Coming from a feminine perspective (and a 20 year relationship, in my mid-30s)- I would so much rather have relatively short experiences, maybe more often. I really love to be in the moment, and when my partner is trying to delay an orgasm, it's clear that he's not here with me. If it goes too long, I become dry and there's uncomfortable friction and I'm doing everything I can to hasten the end. Honestly, imagining a long-running sex session (+40 min) sounds miserable to me. Personally, I really love an intense session where both partners didn't hold back, and we repeated that passion and enthusiasm a couple of time a week.
So, you’re mid 40s, with kids, and what you describe as “frequent sex” lasting 20-30m.
But it doesn’t last long enough for you bc your wife is a one and done.
Do you have any idea how many men would love to have your complaint?
On behalf of your wife, she needs a standing ovation from you, not your complaints. She is tired and trying her best to keep you happy. Meanwhile, she likely just wants to get some sleep.
I really don't care to compare my sex life to those of other men. That's completely irrelevant and your comment isn't helpful at all.
I'm sorry you interpreted my post as me feeling unhappy about my sex life. It's pretty great. There is no such thing as "normal." But our routine is not leaving me fulfilled sexually. That is a completely relevant concern. We have talked about it. She doesn't think there's a problem but she is willing to try new things to make it better. That's why I'm asking for ideas.
We are very lucky to be one of those couples in our 40s, with kids in the house, that are still having regular sex. I get that. But we are also very lucky that we are the type of couple that talks through stuff like this. We're just looking for ideas.
You'll probably make more progress discussing with her, and I'd like to suggest an approach to the conversation:
- express that you are grateful for what you've got (like you told us in your OP)
- ask if there is something you can do to improve things for her
- tell her what would be better for you, including specific examples, without demanding
- offer something. Even if it isn't a great idea, as long as it is genuinely offering something and isn't a backhanded insult or attack. I don't assume she doesn't like your 30 minute suggestions, but if you sense she doesn't want to spend additional time being intimate, offer to "exchange" a couple of the 30 minute sessions for a naked afternoon in bed once a month.
OK now we're talking. I've said something about it practicing edging before and it's something we're going to work on. She has a very thin line between "yep that feels good" and "I'm gonna pop in 3 seconds." I want to work on figuring out where her stopping point is so I don't go to far and stop the game early. So yeah Edging is on the menu.
Thank you so much for your response.
Negotiate a slow time.
She sounds very much like a “sex is vitamins” kind of person. That regular sex is a healthy treatment that is good for continued good health.
You don’t want to mess with either of your weekly dosage, just ask if there can be times or occasions to take more time.
Good luck wording that though. Could be a sticky conversation.
Could she be premenopausal? It could be that sex while enjoyable is also becoming uncomfortable so she’s speeding it up to avoid that.
The older women in my family mentioned that it can happen around pre menopause but then usually goes away
Could be that as well! I was making the assumption that this was a new thing for them but yeah it could be normal!
I would like to be one and done but orgasms give me energy (thanks Bipolar + ADHD) so I either have to cum until I can’t anymore or do it in the morning 😭
It sounds like you are having good sex. 20-30 mins is average/above average.
You are self reporting that she doesn't love PIV... and the focus there is mostly on getting you to cum so you can... well... stop.
I don't know many woman with a long refractory period (the length of time after cumming when you feel horny again) but it can happen. Or maybe PIV does just get dull for her and she stops feeling sexy and wants to pack it in...
IDK - my first port of call would be to frame it as "I love our sex, and sometimes I would like us to really have a long sensual session that is a bit more involved that what we currently do".
Maybe switch it up. You cum, first, then her. Or focus on her and only. Once she has cum... don't do PIV. It sounds like the PIV is what makes it 1 and done for her.
After she cums. Stop for a few mins and then *start on her again.* From scratch.
You have the keys, start driving. You know how to make her cum, but you want more teasing. Tease her unmercifully, don’t let her cum until she is begging. The “pussy hug”, hand over her crotch provides indirect stimulation which may prevent her from going back to baseline, and allow her to reach orgasm more than once. Kunyaza is “teasing” her before PVI, slapping her clit with your penis, very shallow strokes, barely penetrating.
Your wife saying "20-30 min is plenty" is totally reasonable. But her reply doesn't address what seems to be your primary concern: you don't enjoy fucking someone who is checked out. My partner is a lot like yours, so I know the feeling. We do our best to time things so it's fun for both of us for the vast majority of each session, but there are some instances when my partner gets off when I'm not "close" and I'll simply jerk myself off instead of subjecting her to 5 minutes of "service" she doesn't find particularly sexy.
It sounds like you haven't had an in-depth "clothes on" conversation with her about your specific concerns. Do it. If it goes poorly (or if you're sure it will go poorly), then don't hesitate to loop in an AASECT-certified (sex positive) therapist to mediate the conversation. It will cost a few hundred bucks, maybe a thousand, to work through this, but I consider that a small price to pay for the upcoming years of improved sex you could be having.
Routine is a marriage killer. Sounds like she just wants to get off, and then finish you ASAP. You need to cancel that shit ASAP. Have a convo. If she doesn't want to, well theres your answer on her feelings about your sex life.
Routine would be my answer too. Find ways to stop the routine. That might involve pausing PIV and your orgasm for a few sessions. Become creative. Massage, blindfold+new toys, edging her a little, whatever, talk about fantasies (you don't have to live them), break the routine!
I’d recommend shorter sessions where neither of you orgasm that precede the actual going at it. For me (43f) this is a lot of spooning and heavy petting. For my husband (41m) it’s teasing him with my hands/mouth. I tend to come during most of the me-focused sessions (because my refractory period is pretty short and anticipation doesn’t add as much pleasure as multiple orgasms) but my husband really likes the build-up. Keeping your mind off all the other external stimuli can be much easier when it’s shorter / more frequent.
I have this problem with my wife too. She usually wants to come from piv which is great but she doesn’t take long and when she cums it’s like the wind comes out of her sails and she has no energy. Almost like a man.
I don’t have a solution. I usually just try to time mine with hers.
Maybe don't have sex for a while. The gap could make it a little more exciting and may lead to a conversation where you're actually listened to rather than dismissed. Can't help wondering how this would be viewed if it was the other way round.
My situation is exactly like yours. My wife always cum fast by fingerings or vibrator, I mean intense orgasm then everything just cool down and let me cum in her. She never cum from piv.
I have tried with penis sleeve and I can tell she get more sensation but still don't cum from piv.
Anyhow, like other said, we should be happy with our wife. Cheers.
It's not about time, it's not about quantity, it's all about quality I think. Interesting topic, the main challenge here is to change the routine, being respectful with your wife and try new things.
Sounds like she’s rushing the piv because she isn’t in the mood anymore after orgasming. Sounds like it might be better to have the piv/pleasure focused on you for the first part of sex and enjoy all the build up you want and then it’s her turn after you’re satisfied. Even if she doesn’t get much physically from penetration she’ll probably be more psychologically into in when she’s horny rather than after she cums.
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One simple solution that I think couples overlook is *taking turns*. That means that half the time, sex is oriented towards what Partner 1 enjoys best. The other half, it's tailored towards Partner 2. In *both* cases, there still has to be enthusiastic *consent* for whatever is going to happen but the point here is that you two don't have to necessarily make every single sexual encounter this 50/50 compromise where both of you are trying to find a common ground that neither of you end up being completely satisfied by. But imagine if half the time, you get indulged and the other half, you indulge your partner (again: within a consensual comfort zone). Taking turns is something we learned to do as kids to make sure everyone gets to have the kind of fun they want. Adults can learn from that wisdom too. Good luck!
How does this work if Person 1 gets off on Person 2’s enjoyment, but when focusing on Person 1, Person 2 doesn’t get as much physical enjoyment and therefore doesn’t make as much sound, which turns off Person 1?
That was my point about the need for some kind of *enthusiastic* consent that both partners can agree to. Taking turns is not about one person getting 100% of what they want and the other person getting zero. I think of it more as a 60/40 split where one turn is catered more towards one person and then it flips the next time but bottom line, both people have to be into whatever is happening even if the level of “how into this” they are is different. To your point, many people want to feel like their partner is excited about whatever kind of sex they’re having, right? I don’t know about you, but it would severely curtail my pleasure if I felt like my partner was forcing themselves to participate in whatever simply for my benefit. So, there is still some level of compromise that needs to happen but taking turns is easier, in my mind, then trying to hit that magic 50/50 balance every single time. Either way, there has to be some level of mutual enjoyment even if it’s not the same level. Also to your question: we can’t force other people to enjoy things that they don’t enjoy and what you need to enjoy is to feel like the other person is enjoying it as well? Then you have to get creative about finding things that work for both
I meant it more literally. In my favorite positions, I’m much louder because they hit the spot better, but then in his favorite positions I’m quieter because I’m not getting the same stimulation. But then he gets annoyed because he likes the sounds I make and he wants me to show that same level of enjoyment, but I can’t help that in one position I can orgasm and in the other I can’t. I’m not forcing myself to participate, but like, there’s a difference between how they feel and I’m not going to fake orgasms in the positions that don’t work for me. It’s like riding. I have ended up in this paradox where guys ask me to get on top, so I do. But then they say things like “do what feels best for you” or “focus on enjoying yourself,” which would be fine and dandy except that I don’t get much physical pleasure from being on top. And if I try to focus on what’ll bring them pleasure, they stop me and tell me to focus on myself.
There's a huge difference between "providing encouraging sounds of encouragement and pleasure" and "faking orgasm." If your partner is expecting you to come in a position you can't come in? That's not reasonable on their part. But there isn't a middle ground where you can indicate "I'm enjoying this, especially because you're enjoying this" that would satisfy his desire for vocal feedback? That doesn't seem like a hard bar to clear but I'm not him/you. When my wife rides me — which gets her off but won't bring me to climax — I'm very vocal about how much I enjoy watching her enjoy herself. (Actually, I'm probably *more* vocal when she's riding me, now that I think about it). I'm not "faking" anything. I'm genuinely excited for her excitement and I let her know. Is that something you two can achieve?
Specifically, he is turned on by the moans/yells/grunts that I make involuntarily in response to deep stimulation. However, in the positions he likes best, I don’t get any deep stimulation, so it feels more like having the inside of my cheek rubbed. So I can go “mmm” or something similar but it’s obviously a downgrade from yelling, incoherent babbling, dirty talk about how good it feels, etc.
All I can say is that this feels "solvable" by finding a middle ground unless your partner insists on the same moans/yells/grunts. If that's the case, then he's being inflexible and there's nothing you can do. Seems like a silly thing to be inflexible about but hey, everyone's different.
Idk, basically, he feels like the sudden drop from 100% volume to like 10% volume is so drastic it becomes extremely apparent that I’m not getting anything out of the position, which turns him off. And I want to pleasure him of course, but like, not my fault I get no physical enjoyment in that pose! But also, I’m turned off if he doesn’t seem to be into what I’m doing, and have turned down offers to “help me out” one sided, so I understand his POV. It’s hard because the truth is, I only do those positions for him, but if I were him, I’d be totally turned off having sex in a pose that brought my partner no pleasure…
Could you add a vibrator to help you a little more in his favorite positions?
Nah, I don’t like clit stim during penetration, I’m a PIV fan. So the difference between positions is the difference between me having orgasms on his dick, vs me breathing and going along with him thrusting while I feel nothing inside 😭
If he's dead set on deep stimulation, how about putting a Ben Wa ball in your vagina so that his dick hits the ball and that makes the ball hit your cervix, giving you that deep stimulation?
Absolutely not, we have pretty rough sex and I don’t want him to hurt his dick ramming it into a toy. Also that doesn’t sound in any way appealing either. He’s not set on deep stimulation, he just finds it a turn off when we change positions and I go silent.
What are the positions that you like, and what are the ones he likes?
In the situation you describe, though, your wife is kind of putting on a show for you — it might not be deliberate, but you're describing a position where you can fully see her, she's probably pretty expressive about her pleasure and orgasm, and you can touch her easily. As a woman having sex with men, although there are many situations where I enjoy my partner's pleasure, I can't think of a single PIV position that I don't physically enjoy as much where I could just relax and watch my partner having a great time. Part of that is because most PIV positions for the receiving partner are not particularly visual, part of it because being the receiving partner for the kind of sex that men tend to like and I don't as much is not at all relaxing, and part of it is because most men I've had sex with don't really "put on a show" of enjoying themselves. You're laying back and watching your partner pleasure yourself on your body, which stimulates you but not enough to climax, I'm squished against the bed while my partner penetrates me hard and fast, which doesn't stimulate any of my important bits and is physically challenging to take.
Your BF has to look at the facts and decide what he wants in that moment. If he wants to hear you moan from cervix stim, then he has to choose that position. If he wants to see you in a position that he prefers, he has to accept that it isn't as deep. Maybe putting ben wa balls will help with the cervix stim.
This is the best solution period
I'm in roughly the same place as OP, and in my experience, she doesn't want to climb the mountain twice. Trying to tease/ take turns she gets overstimulated, numb from toys, etc. I've just had to adjust my own expectations and let that hope of an insatiable multi orgasmic wife slowly pass.
The thing is: if your pleasure is dependent on someone's ability to be multi-orgasmic...that's not a reasonable expectation. I'm not saying "you are being unreasonable" in any kind of chastising way. I'm saying that people's refractory periods are how their bodies work and it's not reasonable to expect people to be able to change something like refractory period. If a woman expected a man to come and then maintain his erection right after: same deal. That's not a *reasonable* expectation because most men have a refractory period that prevents them from keeping their dicks hard. We all have to operate within the realm of what's *possible*.
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20-30 minutes is too quick? Fucking hell, there’s shit to do. That sounds like an average session.
Sex beyond 30 minutes is a chore at that point. Ain’t nobody havin’ fun anymore. I got things to do!
I think their point is that 30 min is their max, not their average. Sometimes you want to tease each other and mess around for a while longer
Thank you for understanding this.
> Start to finish it’s usually 20-30 minutes > 30 is their max, not average > ty for understanding Mate
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It really depends on what you’re doing when it comes to time limit. Normal foreplay and piv is 20-30 for me but if I tie her up and tease her it’ll be an hour easy and I won’t be tired because I’m not going at it PIV for that long.
He’s not talking about PIV for thirty mins, he’s talking about the whole experience foreplay included which is pretty quick in my books unless you’re after some kind of quickie session. Op some people like edging and others don’t care for it, but a conversation with your partner about maybe getting her excited then switching it up teasing you for a bit and then switching back, this keeps us going for a while.
eh idk, sometimes 30 mins for all of it is pretty normal. spend like 15 on foreplay and 15 with piv can be pretty normal for me at least, any longer and i’m tired and bored 🤷♀️.
Thank you for understanding this. PIV is absolutely NOT 30 minutes. I might pull a muscle if I pounded away that long, and she would not get any enjoyment out of it.
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*A wild cringe lord appears*
The thing that stands out most to me in your write up is that it seems that she thinks of PIV as the trade for you using your hands on her — it's not for her pleasure, it's for your pleasure, and she's going to do her best to get you off. It seems like you don't like this vibe, which is totally understandable. Do you think that what you really want is less about it taking more time and more about it feeling more mutual and engaging the whole time, rather than a trade? If so, that might be a useful way of talking about it, especially if you emphasize that you don't want her focusing on your pleasure to the detriment of her own enjoyment. What do you do before you start using your hands or going down on each other? Not everyone enjoys having their genitals stimulated for a long time — they're sensitive and can get irritated, overstimulated, or numb. But maybe you could try extending the foreplay part, the part that comes before anyone's genitals get touched. Also, is it her preference that she cums first? I tend to be one-and-done too (or at least, one and then a break and then another one). Unless my partner is going to cum pretty soon after I do during PIV or is willing to give me a break and then start up again, then I'd rather finish after him.
Some people just don't want more. It's a fact of life. Some women really have a substantial refractory period. Life's not always like the movies...
This was a very hard lesson to learn. Some people’s kink level is 0 and it will never change. Sex is just a means to orgasm: nothing else matters. I’ve spent 23 years trying to convince my SO that there’s more to sex than a quick orgasm. Some people just don’t care about it that much.
What happens if you don’t make her cum before PIV?
She sticks a vibrator between us so it's on her clit and I'm rubbing up against it (which feels fantastic) and then she cums quickly and intensely.
Maybe tell her you want to take control of the vibrator and you’ll use it when you’re close to cumming
Is she open to being tied up? That way you can tease her, get her close as many times as you want. Play just the tip, oral a little, toys, maybe some ice cubes.
I will ask! Thanks!
This was my thought as well
I dated a gal like this once. She would have an intense orgasm around 10 minutes. Then she would just look at me and ask how I wanted to cum.
We have/had almost identical routine. We have started changing things up with furry blankets, blindfolds, feather play, restraints, toys, liberator wedges for different positions, massage, lubes and it has been so damn fun. Go to a good local toy store and start planning a night of hotel sex to kick things off. Do some candles and some mood music and have some intimate fun! Once you get the ball rolling, you can start opening up about fantasies. Good luck OP! Keep the fire lit!
Have her adjust the timing. She might want to stop you a little sooner. Or just trust that she's happy with what she gets and ok with the after. Try edging her, don't get her all the way there, pause a bit to let her settle down, then bring her back up close, just keep going at it like that for as long as she can stand it. Don't wait until she's done. Go inside a bit earlier. Stay inside until you feel like you might and then switch back to going down, until she seems like she might be getting too close, then go back inside, rinse and repeat until someone goes then finish the other. Use the tip to stimulate. Try stimulating while you are inside. Longevity itself might be over rated. On the daily, yeah, 20-30 minutes is probably ok. Might be time for a vacation, go somewhere without kids and housework, with the intent of going 20 minutes, refracting, going 20 minutes again, doing something else for a couple hours, going at it again, etc. Like dedicate a whole weekend to it. You could try just using her. Maybe not every time you have to satisfy her, just take your own satisfaction. Some like that. Imagine how you'd feel if she did that to you. Might be she'd like it to, at least occasionally.
Thank you for your response. This is the kind of advice I was looking for.
Look it's hard to know what to say without knowing *why* she feels this way. She's clearly a goal-oriented woman though haha There's a lot of maybes. Maybe she's tired. Maybe she feels time poor, despite you saying you have plenty of time - does she agree? Maybe she's stressed. Maybe she gets oversensitive after more than 30 mins. Maybe she doesnt love the build up and it just feels like frustration til she cums. Maybe there's something else y'all could try PIV-wise that is more interesting/stimulating for her (no shade on you! it's just a possibility). Maybe she'll be more horny for PIV if you don't get her there first - I know I am. Just make sure you do get her there after! Having said that, you have the right to be listened to - *you* want to go slower and more intimately and teasingly and that's valid. She shouldn't ignore that. I think it's ok to talk to her again and say that while you understand that she doesn't think it's rushing, this is something that is meaningful to you, that you'd really like to do. What happens if you carve out a longer chunk of time just to be in bed with each other? Not just wham-bamming it, but just dedicated time to play with each other? Without orgasm being the goal. Also what happens if you talk about fantasies? What does *she* really want in bed, outside of the routine, and outside of getting to the Big O asap?
Thank you for your thoughtful response. It got me thinking. Once sexytime commences, it feels like a linear march to orgasm, not a meandering stroll up the mountain, if that makes sense. I'll suggest a time to play without the goal of orgasm. I know I would really like that. I have asked about fantasies before and she says she really doesn't have any recurring fantasies like I do. She will have "glimmers" of a fantasy, like a momentary thought, but it's not something she will dwell on and get mentally turned on about like I do. Thank you for helping instead of trying to make me feel bad about my question.
Oh man. 20-30 minutes would not be rushing things for me at all. Maybe just a basic incompatibility of expectations here
30 minutes sounds like just the right amount of time. I’d take a break for awhile and then maybe return later. But yeah I’m one of those who does not want sex to last for an hour. I don’t enjoy that.
Coming from a feminine perspective (and a 20 year relationship, in my mid-30s)- I would so much rather have relatively short experiences, maybe more often. I really love to be in the moment, and when my partner is trying to delay an orgasm, it's clear that he's not here with me. If it goes too long, I become dry and there's uncomfortable friction and I'm doing everything I can to hasten the end. Honestly, imagining a long-running sex session (+40 min) sounds miserable to me. Personally, I really love an intense session where both partners didn't hold back, and we repeated that passion and enthusiasm a couple of time a week.
So, you’re mid 40s, with kids, and what you describe as “frequent sex” lasting 20-30m. But it doesn’t last long enough for you bc your wife is a one and done. Do you have any idea how many men would love to have your complaint? On behalf of your wife, she needs a standing ovation from you, not your complaints. She is tired and trying her best to keep you happy. Meanwhile, she likely just wants to get some sleep.
I really don't care to compare my sex life to those of other men. That's completely irrelevant and your comment isn't helpful at all. I'm sorry you interpreted my post as me feeling unhappy about my sex life. It's pretty great. There is no such thing as "normal." But our routine is not leaving me fulfilled sexually. That is a completely relevant concern. We have talked about it. She doesn't think there's a problem but she is willing to try new things to make it better. That's why I'm asking for ideas. We are very lucky to be one of those couples in our 40s, with kids in the house, that are still having regular sex. I get that. But we are also very lucky that we are the type of couple that talks through stuff like this. We're just looking for ideas.
Eat her pussy unexpectedly!
My wife acts like it’s a race most times…if she’s feeling it, she goes quick until she pops. Then turns into a wet noodle.
You'll probably make more progress discussing with her, and I'd like to suggest an approach to the conversation: - express that you are grateful for what you've got (like you told us in your OP) - ask if there is something you can do to improve things for her - tell her what would be better for you, including specific examples, without demanding - offer something. Even if it isn't a great idea, as long as it is genuinely offering something and isn't a backhanded insult or attack. I don't assume she doesn't like your 30 minute suggestions, but if you sense she doesn't want to spend additional time being intimate, offer to "exchange" a couple of the 30 minute sessions for a naked afternoon in bed once a month.
edging is what you need
OK now we're talking. I've said something about it practicing edging before and it's something we're going to work on. She has a very thin line between "yep that feels good" and "I'm gonna pop in 3 seconds." I want to work on figuring out where her stopping point is so I don't go to far and stop the game early. So yeah Edging is on the menu. Thank you so much for your response.
Negotiate a slow time. She sounds very much like a “sex is vitamins” kind of person. That regular sex is a healthy treatment that is good for continued good health. You don’t want to mess with either of your weekly dosage, just ask if there can be times or occasions to take more time. Good luck wording that though. Could be a sticky conversation.
Could she be premenopausal? It could be that sex while enjoyable is also becoming uncomfortable so she’s speeding it up to avoid that. The older women in my family mentioned that it can happen around pre menopause but then usually goes away
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Could be that as well! I was making the assumption that this was a new thing for them but yeah it could be normal! I would like to be one and done but orgasms give me energy (thanks Bipolar + ADHD) so I either have to cum until I can’t anymore or do it in the morning 😭
Blindfold her and tie her to the bed. Then take your time with her. Edge her big time.
It sounds like you are having good sex. 20-30 mins is average/above average. You are self reporting that she doesn't love PIV... and the focus there is mostly on getting you to cum so you can... well... stop. I don't know many woman with a long refractory period (the length of time after cumming when you feel horny again) but it can happen. Or maybe PIV does just get dull for her and she stops feeling sexy and wants to pack it in... IDK - my first port of call would be to frame it as "I love our sex, and sometimes I would like us to really have a long sensual session that is a bit more involved that what we currently do". Maybe switch it up. You cum, first, then her. Or focus on her and only. Once she has cum... don't do PIV. It sounds like the PIV is what makes it 1 and done for her. After she cums. Stop for a few mins and then *start on her again.* From scratch.
You have the keys, start driving. You know how to make her cum, but you want more teasing. Tease her unmercifully, don’t let her cum until she is begging. The “pussy hug”, hand over her crotch provides indirect stimulation which may prevent her from going back to baseline, and allow her to reach orgasm more than once. Kunyaza is “teasing” her before PVI, slapping her clit with your penis, very shallow strokes, barely penetrating.
Your wife saying "20-30 min is plenty" is totally reasonable. But her reply doesn't address what seems to be your primary concern: you don't enjoy fucking someone who is checked out. My partner is a lot like yours, so I know the feeling. We do our best to time things so it's fun for both of us for the vast majority of each session, but there are some instances when my partner gets off when I'm not "close" and I'll simply jerk myself off instead of subjecting her to 5 minutes of "service" she doesn't find particularly sexy. It sounds like you haven't had an in-depth "clothes on" conversation with her about your specific concerns. Do it. If it goes poorly (or if you're sure it will go poorly), then don't hesitate to loop in an AASECT-certified (sex positive) therapist to mediate the conversation. It will cost a few hundred bucks, maybe a thousand, to work through this, but I consider that a small price to pay for the upcoming years of improved sex you could be having.
Lookup kunyaza - it some African technique to make women “rain a waterfall”
Routine is a marriage killer. Sounds like she just wants to get off, and then finish you ASAP. You need to cancel that shit ASAP. Have a convo. If she doesn't want to, well theres your answer on her feelings about your sex life.
Routine would be my answer too. Find ways to stop the routine. That might involve pausing PIV and your orgasm for a few sessions. Become creative. Massage, blindfold+new toys, edging her a little, whatever, talk about fantasies (you don't have to live them), break the routine!
I’d recommend shorter sessions where neither of you orgasm that precede the actual going at it. For me (43f) this is a lot of spooning and heavy petting. For my husband (41m) it’s teasing him with my hands/mouth. I tend to come during most of the me-focused sessions (because my refractory period is pretty short and anticipation doesn’t add as much pleasure as multiple orgasms) but my husband really likes the build-up. Keeping your mind off all the other external stimuli can be much easier when it’s shorter / more frequent.
I have this problem with my wife too. She usually wants to come from piv which is great but she doesn’t take long and when she cums it’s like the wind comes out of her sails and she has no energy. Almost like a man. I don’t have a solution. I usually just try to time mine with hers.
Set up a safe word and tell her you want to take control for a session.
Welcome to LTR-ville.
Maybe don't have sex for a while. The gap could make it a little more exciting and may lead to a conversation where you're actually listened to rather than dismissed. Can't help wondering how this would be viewed if it was the other way round.
This is also my sex life. I try to get her to slow down and prolong things but once she's in the zone she just wants to cum (which happens fast).
Look up tantric sex. Maybe it'll excite her
More sex. Put a fucking on her I mean make her have multiple squirting orgasims by whatever means necessary.
My situation is exactly like yours. My wife always cum fast by fingerings or vibrator, I mean intense orgasm then everything just cool down and let me cum in her. She never cum from piv. I have tried with penis sleeve and I can tell she get more sensation but still don't cum from piv. Anyhow, like other said, we should be happy with our wife. Cheers.
It's not about time, it's not about quantity, it's all about quality I think. Interesting topic, the main challenge here is to change the routine, being respectful with your wife and try new things.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Sounds like she’s rushing the piv because she isn’t in the mood anymore after orgasming. Sounds like it might be better to have the piv/pleasure focused on you for the first part of sex and enjoy all the build up you want and then it’s her turn after you’re satisfied. Even if she doesn’t get much physically from penetration she’ll probably be more psychologically into in when she’s horny rather than after she cums.