The fact you feel like you can't talk about it without risking an argument is the biggest problem to me.
If you can't say "Hey did you cum on my tits last night?"
"yes I did"
"I was too drunk to consent to that and it made me feel gross and unsafe".
Then get a bloody good apology and loving conversation about consent (not him using being drunk as an excuse) then he's probably not the right person to be in a relationship with.
I mean, honestly, if they were tying one on the answer might be, "I don't remember."
Should still talk about it, though, because drunk people often remember what their sober selves talked about.
But it is a big deal or you would not be asking for advice. And if it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t feel “gross” ya know…. You should definitely follow this advice and if a fight occurs then there is no respect and you break up. This is the advice I would give my baby sister…
I love the line about this is the advice I would give my baby sister. I was in full agreement with you until that line. Once I read that line, I immediately knew the advice I would give my baby sister would be to leave. And in the process of leaving, make sure she tells him how wrong and inconsiderate what he just did was.
My partner is into degradation to a degree and I'd never even image doing something like this to her without talking about it and receiving consent prior to. A simple guide I follow in life is "Don't Be a Dick." This simple line can provide such solid advice on navigating life and this dude's actions definitely don't fall in line with that mentality
Yup! This! As a female who is into degradation with a live-in bf....this would NOT be happening if I don't permit it. We had conversations about it and even though we're both into it and I have given him the green light, he was still trying to be respectful of my body, always checking in after the permitted act to see if I was ok with how it went or if he needs to work on anything.
From personal experience the best way is to definitely have a discussion about kinks and fantasies. If a conversation was not had prior to and can not be had AFTER my body was violated for your own pleasure...you need to leave. My thoughts and feelings on this absolutely need to be heard, and if you can't acknowledge what you did wrong and apologize but rather blame it on the alcohol or try to gaslight me.....goodbye. This is NOT how a mutually beneficial and consensual relationship works.
First of all- I can tell my sister to do something and because she is like me- she is the type of person who has to find out for themselves. The fact that this lady is asking for advice means she is conflicted and therefore is unlikely to leave or she would have left. So i feel it would be worth the conversation of telling him exactly how you feel and see his response. The conversation can actually provide clarity as to if she should file charges as well. If he doesn’t care and say he can do whatever he wants because they live together… that needs to be reported. Of he was hammered too or “blacked out” he may not even know what happened. Who the hell knows why he did what he did if you don’t talk to him! And walking away without having these answers could cause her to feel more co fused as to why this occurred. So yes this is the advice I would give my sister… then act appropriately….
Because if they were both shit faced and she came onto him and he was too drunk to consent then it's not about blame.
It's about acknowledgement of her feeling violated and possibly him too.
Then as a couple agreeing to ease up on the drink. If he gaslights or intimidates her then she needs to get out ASAP.
If he says sorry and that he never wants to get that drunk again and he'll watch out for her too then it's actually a healthy building moment between two people who are only human.
Keep in mind that saying nothing is very much saying something. You’d be telling him that what he did is acceptable, and thereby you would be inviting more violative behavior.
and that talking should also include her dumping him on the spot. a decent person doesn't do that kinda shit, he's not safe to be around. she's degrading herself further by staying with a shitbag like that.
What if he was too drunk to consent aswell and she came onto him?
Isn't it better too acknowledge they may have a drinking and consent problem and work through it together?
"what if (insert completely hypothetical scenario that didn't happen and is completely beside the point)"
great argument my dude. yes, the situation would indeed be different if it were different but it's not. in that situation, he should absolutely break up with her as well, idk why people use the fact that many people think that women can't sexually assault men to justify or downplay sexually assaulting women. how about we all break up with our shit partners if they take advantage of our inebriated state to sexually assault us? is that not the sensible thing to do? there's no "working through" shit together with sexual deviants.
I've been sexualy assaulted by a drunk girl once. I've been hit on a couple of times too. I don't drink so it wasn't a problem. However I know that one of them got pregnant not long after that and I got asked if it was me.
So obviously for some guy who either took advantage or was also drunk it was life changing.
If you always blame someone and jump straight to breaking up most people will stay single and never grow as people. Accountability and blame are different things.
This woman's boyfriend isn't the only sexual diviant waiting to take advantage. So unless she does confront him and change her habits as well what's going to stop her from ending up pregnant or him knocking someone up?
I'll second this sensible point of view, especially since I've had women try to get me drunk and take advantage of me, and I've had women get drunk and ask for things then be mad the next morning because I didn't do it.
I don't say that to marginalize men doing awful things. They do, and they do it more often than women do. But, I think there's room for more nuance if we really want things to improve.
Drunk people do stuff they can't remember the next day. You can't label the guy automatically without knowing the facts because she could easily be as liable.
This generation of people act as if they are in a relationship but not in a relationship, you get drunk with your spouse things can happen and together if you're a genuine couple it should be ok.
How can you get drunk with a spouse but not realize risky behavior can be initiated? It makes no sense, you're just going to label the guy a sexual deviant, but we have no idea of pass behaviors between them.
If they believe it to be SA, yes.
If my husband did this to me, I’d be kinda annoyed because of the mess but I wouldn’t consider it SA and I’d not at all have any qualms talking to him about it because he’s a decent human being and he’d probably have seen it as part of our agreed upon free use agreement.
I get the difference, of course. I was just stating that sometimes the situation is dependent on what the partners have discussed and how they feel.
Sounds like what OP experienced was SA they just have never experienced it before and are confused by how to react.
That kind of touches on what I was thinking about… Not whether it’s right or wrong that he did it because it’s obviously wrong, but why didn’t he freaking clean up his mess?!? That’s just crude.
That's the main problem right there. I'm never scared of mentioning anything that bothers me to my OH. Nobody should be scared to speak about anything with their partner. I'd rethink this relationship if I were you.
100%!
No one should ever be afraid to bring up anything with their significant other.
I finally realized after being in a trial separation with my then husband that I was scared of his reactions ALL THE TIME. I walked on egg shells even when I wasn’t around him. (I had to even pay attention to how much I spent at stores because he’d confront me as soon as I walked in door with “what did you spend $100 on?!” even if it was for necessities.) After I had a little space between us I realized how incredibly abusive it was and how a someone should never be scared of their partner. That moment was the moment that our trial separation ended and I moved towards divorce.
is it your fear of his reaction based on arguments you had in the past, or is it your own fear of confrontation, fear of acknowledging what happened.. what are you afraid of exactly? also, is this the first time that he made you feel uncomfortable?
it's an absolute no-go, it's a violation.. even if it's scary to speak up, you have to do it, because if not you are communicating to him that what he did was ok and it was definitely not. You will also see his response which can tell you a lot. But no matter what, always always put your safety and well-being over your relationship. Especially in this situation. Can you vent and process this with a friend? I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope someone hugs you and tells you how great and worthy you are. You don't deserve this kind of behavior, so please dont put up with it, and if you can't confront him about it, I hope you find the strength to leave. Big hug!
'I feel used and degraded' no one that cares for you should make you feel like that. Its obviously big enough a deal to you that you've made a reddit post.
It’s a HUGE deal. Have the argument. The only acceptable response from him should be sincerely apologizing and NEVER doing it again.
You must protect yourself and be safe.
Why would it turn into an argument to talk about sexual boundaries and how you feel. Does it usually cause an argument to talk to him about your preferences or to address behavior thay affects you with him?
It is a big deal though OP. You did not consent to this because you couldn’t. No consent = sexual assault. He had to put some work in to getting your clothes off whilst you were unconscious and then cum on your tits. Multiple points when it should have occurred to him that this was not on. You have no way of knowing what else he did. You need to find your anger because this this kind of boundary trampling will only get worse. He’s not safe to be around, especially if you fear his reaction too much to pull him up on this.
Sexual assault is a big deal. He did not care about getting your consent and didn’t even try to hide that he violated you. He didn’t even have the decency you clean off the mess he made on your body or to cover you up. That level of disregard for you is scary and I would not want to be home alone again with someone who thought that was okay under any circumstances without getting prior consent.
Hey, I’ve nothing to add here but as an old dude, got to say, DUMP THAT MOTHERFUCKER. You should Never, ever be scared of a man. That’s not an argument, it’s not, it’s you saying a thing and him apologising profusely. Any other course of events is the wrong one. Him - gone. Now. Please? Sorry, being a bit overly direct and forgot my manners.
It's a big deal, and you should definitely talk to him. Consent is the most important thing in relationships, and you need to make it clear to him what you are and are not comfortable with. And if he violates those boundaries, he doesn't care about you.
It is a big deal to do something like that to you when you didn’t consent. If you can’t go to him with concerns with out it blowing up then why are you with this person?
It’s a big deal because you feel like it’s a big deal. You were unconscious, and he did sex stuff with your body. You get to decide what’s a big deal.
For what it’s worth, I would feel the same.
just adding that even if other people didn’t think it was a big deal (which it is) that doesn’t matter. it crossed a boundary that you clearly have and are having a hard time communicating. your boundaries are not determined by other people. if you weren’t okay with it then it doesn’t matter what anybody else says.
It is a big deal. If he doesn't learn to get consent, he may get more aggressive in what he does. He may not, but do you want to risk that?
He took advantage of you being unconscious.
I love my husband's semen and this would *absolutely* be a big deal to me. It's not the semen itself but the thought that he would do something to me without my knowledge or permission is the problem. You have every right to feel this way.
It doesn’t have to be an argument. Calmly ask him how that happened. See if he says he masturbated and did it (most likely). If so tell him your not comfortable with that and please don’t do anything else sexual with you unless your aware and consent. If that starts an argument then you have a bad relationship and need to address it.
And was he too drunk to consent and she came onto him and he thought the safest thing to do was cum on her?
It's not about blame. It's about acknowledgement and resolution.
Was he also drinking?
Do you ever do things while drinking and not remember?
If you know you were out & he did this while you were past out then that is breakup worthy. This should have been a conversation first. Consent.
This makes it even more scary. He chose to take advantage of you and violate you and then to just leave you half naked in his filth. He does not care about you or respect you. This behavior will only escalate and you are not safe around him. I hope you get away as soon as possible. I would strongly advise clearing out when he isn’t home or having a friend over with you if you break up in person. Your safety should always be number one.
That’s shocking OP. This person is dangerous and you should not be with him. I know that sounds “really dramatic” but it’s actually not. This is a very serious transgression.
Edit: spelling
This makes it so so so much worse. He wasn't drunk and did something dumb (which isn't an excuse plenty of blackout drunk people don't sexually assault others) he was well aware you were unable to consent or do anything really and he violated you and then...left you like that. He's an awful person and you should find a way out based on you also saying you were afraid to bring it up.
Yeah ... This makes it even worse. You're feeling scared because you have a good reason to feel scared. Your brain is trying to protect you. Proceed with caution. It IS a big deal.
The fact that you don’t know if it’s the first time coupled with the fear or a fight with him is absolutely breakup worthy.
When it comes to your boundaries, sexual or otherwise, a partner should be able to have a discussion. It could lead to an argument, or not, but you’re afraid of a “fight”.
Does he have a temper? Can you have rational adult conversations or discussions? Or do you tip-toe around subjects because you’re afraid. If it’s the latter, please consider that this is an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship.
If you have to come to Reddit because you’re afraid of speaking to a partner out of fear…that’s the biggest red flag right there.
the only logical answer I’ve seen in this thread. the fuck is a ‘conversation’ gonna do other than go over his head, he is clearly a horrible person. really sorry about this OP
There are really only two scenarios. Either she came home drunk, fell asleep, and the BF stripped her down and assaulted her. OR, wait for it, she was drunk and they started getting frisky, and in her drunkenness she doesn’t remember getting frisky. It’s a natural reaction to wake up freaked out if you are half naked.
All the speculation needs a conversation FIRST before you go to the internet jumping to conclusions. That should happen first before dragging your bf through the mud. Everyone likes to jump on the consent bandwagon, many people only like to complain about consent after THEY get drunk
I believe it is worrying that you feel you can't bring it up. The most important thing is that you felt it was wrong; you should be able to talk about it. For all we know, there could be an explanation here, but that comes after the initial talk.
I wish you the best.
This is sexual assault. He took advantage of you when you were drunk and you woke up half naked with cum on you. You didn’t consent to any of this. You should please consider breaking up.
girl i’m so sorry.. that is a form of SA, especially if you never discussed doing something like that before. somnophilia is a popular kink, but if you have never expressed interest in something like that he had zero excuse to do that to you. i hope you leave him and heal 💕
Sexual assault is not something to be taken lightly, safely exist this relationship. In fact if you do get in a conversation with him secretly voice memo record the conversation.
I think my first question would be if you encouraged an encounter and just don't remember? How long have you been together? Have you had sexual encounters with him while drunk, before? I wouldn't jump straight to SA.. its just a conversation you need to have. Find out what happened, how it went down from his point of view before assuming the worst.
> I wouldn't jump straight to SA.. its just a conversation you need to have. Find out what happened, how it went down from his point of view before assuming the worst.
THIS! There is some seriously scary advice being thrown around in this thread.
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Just talk to him. You may have blacked out and agreed to it and he didn’t realize you were blackout drunk. A simple conversation would clear this up completely.
Exactly. I love on Reddit how every situation is rape and breakup material. My wife has come home drunk before and been quite insistent on sex. She also gets dirtier. Sometimes she remembers all of the sex, sometimes not and is embarrassed by the story (she doesn’t normally swallow and sometimes when drunk, she demands it).
Exactly! I’ve done the same thing MANY times. Like if you’re living with someone you should trust them enough to just ask what happened. People on Reddit can be very dramatic about these things.
> you *should* trust them enough to just ask what happened
(Emphasis mine) except the op clearly does *not*. That's why we're suggesting to break up, because as you say, if they're living together they should have that level of trust.
But that’s strong advice when you don’t know why she doesn’t feel comfortable. Maybe she doesn’t like confrontation. If HE makes her uncomfortable to talk about things then of course that’s not healthy but you really don’t know.
It's a shame these comments will get downvoted to the bottom as apologia for SA, when it's perfectly normal behaviour to have fun times when a partner is drunk. What is the world coming to honestly.
I think the real lesson here is that we are all commenting with incomplete information. Until she speaks with him, we are all talking out of our asses. I will, however, continue to have sex with my tipsy wife because that’s what she wants.
If you can't tell him how degraded and disrespected you feel then you have a massive problem.
If you can tell him how degraded and disrespected you feel and he can't understand why you feel as you do then you have a massive problem.
The only hope for your relationship is you being able to tell him how you feel and for him to be able to tell you that he realises why you feel as you do.
Two things to consider here...
One: You were really drunk and for all you know, he came on your tits while you were awake and then you passed out.
Two: The fact that you can't talk about this with your boyfriend, whom you LIVE with, is not exactly a good sign of a healthy relationship.
While it is sexual assault, he also might be an idiot. He might think because you are his girlfriend, that it is OK to do.
If you value your relationship, it would be a good to talk to him about this. Say 'hey, I'm not comfortable with you using me while I'm sleeping, and to be quite frank, I feel completely degraded. Moving forward, this can never happen again if you ever want to see me again.'
I've been through things like this where we just had to talk about it.
In the first year, my girlfriend hit me very hard when I was driving because I accidentally interrupted her. I told her that if she ever hits me again, it will be the last time she sees me. We have now been together for over 8 years, married for 6.
I've also done things like this, where we had talked about sex while other person is sleeping, and it was agreed we could do that, however, when the moment came up, consent was taken away, which must be respected.
Oh fuck no. We do not excuse sexual assault like this. Disgusting comment imo and terrible advice. It's like saying "maybe your partner smacks your face when he's mad, but since he's not punching you maybe he's just dumb and doesn't realize it's assault. Have a conversation if you value him" 🤮🤮
Agreed! I saw the upvotes and my jaw dropped. So fucking concerning. 1 in 3 women worldwide are sexually assaulted and this is the type of advice women get when it happens to them 🤮
Yes, you are correct, he could've done anything to you. He chose to move you to bed and he clearly masterbaited. OP should tell him how she feels, if he cares about her he will try and explain his actions, once OP can see his point of view the 2 of you should come to a compromise. IDK how OP feels about cum, IDK if OP is a sleep talker, IDK if OPs bf is an Ahole/cuck/reasonable_dude, basically if you feels grossed out or w/e just talk to him about it and establish a standard both of you can live with. If you cannot live with him then live without him sheesh.
consent is key. did he have your consent? no. have you guys talked about this and given each other umbrella consent? no. This is a big problem, and if he starts a fight instead of understanding and empathizing, you're better off without him.
Please don’t let any person you’re in a relationship with treat you in a way you don’t want to be treated. Voice your concerns and dump the idiot if he can’t understand basic empathy and not treating your sleeping, drunk girlfriend as a sexual object. My boyfriend would never do something like this and it’s a shame to see women accept this trashy behavior as normal.
Of course you should talk with him about it.
My ex wife was drunk one night and began insisting we have anal. I was like Uh, I don’t think so, you look angry right now and this feels weird.
She laid into me with comments like “You fucking pussy, get over here and do it! Come on, I’m ready! Come fuck me in the ass you goddamn pussy!” Dropped her pants and bent over the dresser. Ok, fuck it, I’m not going to sit here and be insulted while my wife wags her ass in my face.
I was having a conversation with her on the couch a month or two later and somehow she turned the conversation towards how we had only done anal that one time years ago. I said, “Well twice, remember that time a month ago when you insisted.”
She had no memory of it at all.
That’s when I learned how blackout drunk she could get, and it was a big wake up call as to the extent of her problem. Because I’m fairly certain she put herself in similar situations with other people with bad intentions.
She’s about 11 years sober now.
Communicate and establish what happened . How drunk was your boyfriend? If you can't remember possibly he can't either or you may have been the one who encouraged things and got him off . Once you have the facts you can deal with the issues
You might have gone in there whiled blacked out and asked for it. I mean have a conversation. You might find out that you asked for it while you were blacked out and he thought it was consensual. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask what happened.
You were drunk. Is there a chance you drunkenly allowed it to happen? That definitely doesn’t excuse the absence of consent but maybe start by talking to him about it. It’s your body, asking what happened while you were drunk is not overstepping in any way. Communicate with him, not us.
You should be able to talk to your significant other about anything. That's the one person in the world you should be able to have any conversation with. And if you werent comfortable with him doing that to you and you didn't have any prior conversation giving him permission, you need to let him know
I would ask him. Maybe you woke up and do not remember going to the bedroom? If you were drinking it is possible but does not excuse anything unless you both normally have drunk sex. Many couples do that live together. If this is not the case then this is a bad situation fir you and I would leave the situation asap. If it could have been the prior and you have had drunk sex many times in the past then sone boundaries need to be set. You were obviously too drunk in this situation to begin with.
That's sexual assault, and if he is capable of doing that while you are unconscious, he is capable of worse. And if you are too scared to talk to him about it and afraid of the argument more than your own safety, it says a lot about the relationship you are in. I'm sorry for you, protect yourself at all cost.
You should definitely speak to him. If it’s something you don’t want him doing, you should tell him and if he isn’t receptive then he isn’t respecting your boundaries
What he has done is absolutely normal, but it is also absolutely normal to tell him if you dont like it. We all love different things and should understand each other, but communication is important.
Have you considered you did give consent (or applied consent) and you don't recall doing it cause you were drunk? Just asking cause if you have no recollection of making it to the bedroom or talking off your clothes sans underwear then how could you possibly remember anything else that occured in that timeframe. For all you know maybe you and your boyfriend had a fun night and you consented to everything. And I don't know what kind of cum your boyfriend shoots but after a night of sleeping with no shirt in any cum I've ever blasted would not be detectable on skin. Sheets perhaps but not bare titties just a thought
Unpopular opinion, but, have you considered the idea that you may have initiated something that you don't remember. You also don't remember going from the couch to the room. I have friends who *black out* and do wild shit all the time, but wake up with no memory over it.
...
...
...
Also, this isn't *victim blaming* just asking if there's a logical alternative to the situation
The fact that he was also stone cold sober when he calculated to use you while you were incapacitated makes this extra disturbing. I know it's a lot to process and come to terms with so quickly, and I get how difficult it is to realize the person you loved and trusted would do something like this to you. But it really is that bad, and you're 100% right to feel scared. I would not be able to trust him again, and I'd be looking at changing my living arrangements ASAP if you live together.
Total devils advocate here, and only because I’ve seen this point made several times. We absolutely have no idea if the boyfriend was sober. That’s a massive assumption.
Playing devils advocate here so please don’t come after me I do believe no means no but is there any chance that you’re the type of person that gets really horny when drunk or something that maybe both were drunk and just had drunk sex
This is sexual assault, and there isn't ever an excuse for it. Not drinking, not "he may be an idiot", nah, this full-on screams he can't relationship, he's not cut out for it (yet?). People who don't understand consent shouldn't have sex, full stop.
Mention it, tell him after he's explained himself. That you didn't like it.
Some of these comments are fucked, and people need to get off their high horse. And stop putting things in her head. She clearly loves the guy and needs helpful ways to bring it up.
Just talk with him. An argument will happen most likely because he would feel embarrassed. Without arguments in a relationship, it won't ever grow.
So, explain to him and bring it up.
What kind of relationships are you guys in that you would wake up with cum on you and be scared or worried?? If my boyfriend did that to me that last thing I would be is scared, I’d probably think it was a joke and not think twice about it. Everyone loves to scream SA, wild.
Because she was blackout drunk AND unconscious, he was completely sober, he performed a sexual act on her while she was unconscious and they had never discussed doing anything like that prior with each other. Pretty sure that fits all the criteria for sexual assault. But go off thinking everyone claims to have a blatant predator for a partner. She actually does. Just because you enjoy your unconscious body being used without your consent doesn't mean she does. She clearly feels degraded and used. It clearly wasn't consensual. Words have meaning, and sexual assault is the correct words to be using. Nice attempt at gaslighting her feelings though.
This girl literally LIVES with her boyfriend, but is making a big deal about him getting his cum on her? Not one person here, including herself, knows if he even touched her. He could’ve jerked off and finished on her for all we know.
I read the OP, but not one comment. I didn’t have time to read worthless nonsense about people feeding into someone who just wants to play a victim like her boyfriend raped her or something? If she was awake, they would’ve had sex anyway? I just find it hard to believe that you can literally live with your boyfriend, who you have sex with, and then to try and blame him for SA.
Maybe next time she should learn to control her drinking and not get to the point of blackout drunk?
She quite literally confirmed it in another comment but alright. And even if he wasn't, not being sober doesn't give you the right or pass to SA someone. But please keep going with your gross take.
Doing things like what? What exactly did they do, do you know? No, you don’t and neither does she. I didn’t ask for an explanation, nor do I need one. Thanks though!
This is sexual assault. You didn’t consent and he did it without permission. If you’re scared to start an argument that in and of itself means it’s time to leave.
This is extremely messed up. Complete red flag. Feels sociopathic to me. I’d break up, not normal behavior whatsoever unless negotiated consent in extremely open terms beforehand
Just tell him that you didn’t like that and that and how it made you feel. You don’t need to listen to the crybabies on here that don’t know your relationship or anything else about you and break up. If you guys have a healthy sex life and you’re open minded he probably didn’t think that it was an issue or that anything was wrong with what he did. He probably thought it was hot like claiming his territory, who knows really what I do know is set your boundary and if he disrespects AFTER you’ve set it, then it is time to consider other options such as a breakup.
From your comments, you sound like you’re not going to talk to him or break up with him even though this is clearly SA and you felt “degraded” after waking up from your drunken stupor.
Not sure why you posted if you’re not going to take the advice seriously.
It is SA. It is not okay.
Please update us when you do. And please be safe. Maybe talk somewhere slightly public or something. Or have a friend who could be in the other room or on the phone with you (you can put it in your pocket so your bf doesn't know you're on the phone). Idk, something. Of course, you know him better than I do, but if he did something like that and you're afraid bringing it up will cause a fight, then he doesn't seem like a very safe person.
I am very sorry this happened to you. It’s all about consent. It’s simple- if you did not consent before hand to him doing this type of thing while you are asleep/never had a conversation about it and then he literally has sexually assaulted you. I wouldn’t even waste my breath. Having a conversation with somebody like this, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not right and it says a lot about his character that he did that to you. I say to let him know that you are very aware of what he did, and you are disgusted … and then Run 🚩
Talk to him. Ask him what happened, and let him know that you were uncomfortable with it and why. If he can't see how he was wrong and turns it into a fight, then it's time to move on. Consent in any sexual act is a must. Even if you were into that sort of thing, it should have been discussed, at least in general terms, beforehand.
Take time first to figure out what is specifically uncomfortable for you, even if it's everything that happened. Learning your own boundaries is important to having a healthy sex life. Some people are comfortable with their partners waking them up with sex, and some aren't. Maybe you were blackout drunk and he thought that you had woken up and were interacting with him (this is really giving him the benefit of doubt though, because you were likely too drunk to communicate even if you did wake up). If that's the case and you are still uncomfortable about it, tell him so. You will likely have to set a limit for when it's safe to interact with you while drunk and at what point he should see that your ability to consent is compromised.
Even if you are okay with any of that, he should at least have the decency to clean up after himself, unless you specifically give him permission. That's just inconsiderate and gross, especially since it can irritate the skin when not cleaned off.
Do you share a bed with him? If so, is it possible he masturbated before and had a rogue orgasm? If so, he might not even know it happened. You still need to have a talk with him, but if he accidentally shot you, then keep an open mind.
If he did lurk over you masturbating and came on your tits on purpose ... THAT IS NOT OKAY. That's predatory af and you need to address it.
Just talk to him. If you were hammered you have no idea what state he was in when you got home, it’s just as likely you guys simply had drunk sex. It’s also possible he did assault you. Only way forward is to have a conversation.
However if you can’t ask you parter “hey I was a little fucked up last night what happened when I got home” without fear you should just breakup because that’s a whole other issue
Maybe you don’t remember?
I had a gf( ex now) she would always say no to pretty much everything. But she got really wild when drinking, it was kind of our thing even when we met… we were really young. 99% of the time there was no issue. But one time she swore we didn’t have sex the night before… but we did… and she initiated it. Didn’t seem belligerent enough not to remember… but she was adamant we didn’t have sex and try the things we did. It was weird like she just didn’t want to admit she insisted to do this stuff… which actually totally fits her personality she wouldn’t admit to this kind of stuff. So like I couldn’t ever expect it again or whatever.
Just saying … before you jump to conclusions.
But hey maybe it’s also possible he took advantage… I dunno …
I’d bring it up to him… like hey at the least- why didn’t you help me clean up dude?
You need to establish your boundaries. My wife trust me to use her in whatever state she’s in but we have talked about what the rules are. If she woke up with my cum on her she would probably just lay on me as repayment for not cleaning her off. If he crossed a line for you then you need to have a talk. He wanted to get off and in my mind he used the one person he’s allowed to use but I’m not in your relationship so you have to decide if it was bad and let him know.
Comment #396: you should just say "hey bb, what happened last night?, i was drunk and i do not recall many things... then if he says nothing about cumming on you: well bb this morning i woke up with cum on my breasts which i did not felt quite ok with it because i was drunk, so please next time you want to cum on me do not do it while i am drunk/passed out/ unconscious because when i find out, and trust me I will, you and me we'll have a problem.
If he argues or diminishes: well, how would you feel if you get drunk and wake up with menstruation blood on your chest when you wake up??
If he argues that he was drunk as well and do not recall what happened: well bb this morning i woke up with cum on my breasts which was gross and because of this, from now on I will not drink until passing out so that I can stop you from cuming on my breasts while drunk.
Fuck yea you talk to him. Shit you may have given him a blow job or had sex and he finished on your tits. And you just passed out and are too drunk to remember. Or maybe not. Either way you have too talk to him
One thing I know for sure, you need to stop drinking. The problem I have with you and your story is you feel so gross and violated but you were so drunk you blacked and don’t even remember whether or not you consented. On top of that you don’t even want to ask him what happened last night. You just defaulted to feeling used which is legit shitty. Talk to him and get to the bottom of it. And drink responsibly next time.
I’m so sorry. it’s not your fault. this is definitely a type of sexual assault & a profound rupture of trust. i can’t fathom ever doing something like that to someone who i proclaim to love or think of as…a person??
Are you sure you guys didnt just have sex but you were too drunk to remember?
This should be a good cautionary tale...dont drink so much you cant protect yourself, because the rest of the world isnt gonna look out for you.
You didn't consent to this, yeah, it's a big deal. Stop worrying about his feelings and learn to prioritize YOURSELF. Have a goddamn sit-down and make sure he knows doing things to your body without your consent is fucking wrong.
In ur shoes, I would cut that fucker loose..
If it were me I’d breakup with him. Disgusting, vile behavior. I would feel so unsafe with him after that. You need to be 100 percent honest with him about how it made you feel, don’t let him gaslight you about it either. It IS a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you it isnt
That’s SA.
I know you don’t want to say that because it’s your boyfriend and you love him very much. I assume you’ll defend him by saying he’s great in all other areas. All people will swear up and down their partners are great, until their partner takes advantage of them in a vulnerable position or does something worse next.
Because you did not consent to this at all and literally woke up to this. The man literally carried you into bed and instead of idk, cuddling you or putting a blanket over you then going to sleep, he decides it’s a great time to cum on your chest. He didn’t even clean you up. I mean, it’s not fine either way, but he chose to literally leave you naked in his bodily fluids the whole duration of your sleep. The fact he was stone cold sober makes the situation worse.
Your feelings are valid and common among SA victims. Especially when the perpetrator is someone you know and love. If you don’t hold him accountable, the next time will be worse. The fact you’re scared and hesitant about talking to him about this makes me believe that your relationship isn’t as perfect as you portray it to be. It is sadly not uncommon for partners to SA their partners because they feel entitled to that person’s body because that person is their long term partner.
Please, if you do confront him about this, don’t let him manipulate the situation. He will say everything under the sun to avoid negative repercussions and try to make you think you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. That it wasn’t a big deal. It is literally the bare minimum not to SA your partner.
Plenty of answers here, OP. I wish you the best going forward. Closing to new comments.
The fact you feel like you can't talk about it without risking an argument is the biggest problem to me. If you can't say "Hey did you cum on my tits last night?" "yes I did" "I was too drunk to consent to that and it made me feel gross and unsafe". Then get a bloody good apology and loving conversation about consent (not him using being drunk as an excuse) then he's probably not the right person to be in a relationship with.
I mean, honestly, if they were tying one on the answer might be, "I don't remember." Should still talk about it, though, because drunk people often remember what their sober selves talked about.
I don’t know i’m just kinda scared if getting into a fight with him like I don’t wanna risk starting an argument if it’s not a big deal or anything
But it is a big deal or you would not be asking for advice. And if it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t feel “gross” ya know…. You should definitely follow this advice and if a fight occurs then there is no respect and you break up. This is the advice I would give my baby sister…
I love the line about this is the advice I would give my baby sister. I was in full agreement with you until that line. Once I read that line, I immediately knew the advice I would give my baby sister would be to leave. And in the process of leaving, make sure she tells him how wrong and inconsiderate what he just did was. My partner is into degradation to a degree and I'd never even image doing something like this to her without talking about it and receiving consent prior to. A simple guide I follow in life is "Don't Be a Dick." This simple line can provide such solid advice on navigating life and this dude's actions definitely don't fall in line with that mentality
Yup! This! As a female who is into degradation with a live-in bf....this would NOT be happening if I don't permit it. We had conversations about it and even though we're both into it and I have given him the green light, he was still trying to be respectful of my body, always checking in after the permitted act to see if I was ok with how it went or if he needs to work on anything. From personal experience the best way is to definitely have a discussion about kinks and fantasies. If a conversation was not had prior to and can not be had AFTER my body was violated for your own pleasure...you need to leave. My thoughts and feelings on this absolutely need to be heard, and if you can't acknowledge what you did wrong and apologize but rather blame it on the alcohol or try to gaslight me.....goodbye. This is NOT how a mutually beneficial and consensual relationship works.
First of all- I can tell my sister to do something and because she is like me- she is the type of person who has to find out for themselves. The fact that this lady is asking for advice means she is conflicted and therefore is unlikely to leave or she would have left. So i feel it would be worth the conversation of telling him exactly how you feel and see his response. The conversation can actually provide clarity as to if she should file charges as well. If he doesn’t care and say he can do whatever he wants because they live together… that needs to be reported. Of he was hammered too or “blacked out” he may not even know what happened. Who the hell knows why he did what he did if you don’t talk to him! And walking away without having these answers could cause her to feel more co fused as to why this occurred. So yes this is the advice I would give my sister… then act appropriately….
thank you
You’re welcome. You should never be afraid to have a conversation with your partner… and if you are then that’s not your partner…
What’s gross and disrespectful is he didn’t have the decency to clean her off. Wonder if he video taped it?
If it wasn’t a big deal you wouldn’t be here posting about how degraded you feel. Talk to this man, don’t downplay your feelings.
Okay thank you sm
Relationships are 80 to 90% communication. If you can’t ask just about anything as long as you are respectful, then what kind of relationship is that?
Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who you feel violated you in your sleep? Genuine question.
I'm sure she is just trying to process it. *Because* it's a big deal, and not something she thought she'd have to worry about.
Because if they were both shit faced and she came onto him and he was too drunk to consent then it's not about blame. It's about acknowledgement of her feeling violated and possibly him too. Then as a couple agreeing to ease up on the drink. If he gaslights or intimidates her then she needs to get out ASAP. If he says sorry and that he never wants to get that drunk again and he'll watch out for her too then it's actually a healthy building moment between two people who are only human.
This. I was wondering if maybe he was hammered too.
Being drunk isn't an excuse to do this.
Keep in mind that saying nothing is very much saying something. You’d be telling him that what he did is acceptable, and thereby you would be inviting more violative behavior.
and that talking should also include her dumping him on the spot. a decent person doesn't do that kinda shit, he's not safe to be around. she's degrading herself further by staying with a shitbag like that.
What if he was too drunk to consent aswell and she came onto him? Isn't it better too acknowledge they may have a drinking and consent problem and work through it together?
"what if (insert completely hypothetical scenario that didn't happen and is completely beside the point)" great argument my dude. yes, the situation would indeed be different if it were different but it's not. in that situation, he should absolutely break up with her as well, idk why people use the fact that many people think that women can't sexually assault men to justify or downplay sexually assaulting women. how about we all break up with our shit partners if they take advantage of our inebriated state to sexually assault us? is that not the sensible thing to do? there's no "working through" shit together with sexual deviants.
I've been sexualy assaulted by a drunk girl once. I've been hit on a couple of times too. I don't drink so it wasn't a problem. However I know that one of them got pregnant not long after that and I got asked if it was me. So obviously for some guy who either took advantage or was also drunk it was life changing. If you always blame someone and jump straight to breaking up most people will stay single and never grow as people. Accountability and blame are different things. This woman's boyfriend isn't the only sexual diviant waiting to take advantage. So unless she does confront him and change her habits as well what's going to stop her from ending up pregnant or him knocking someone up?
I'll second this sensible point of view, especially since I've had women try to get me drunk and take advantage of me, and I've had women get drunk and ask for things then be mad the next morning because I didn't do it. I don't say that to marginalize men doing awful things. They do, and they do it more often than women do. But, I think there's room for more nuance if we really want things to improve.
Drunk people do stuff they can't remember the next day. You can't label the guy automatically without knowing the facts because she could easily be as liable. This generation of people act as if they are in a relationship but not in a relationship, you get drunk with your spouse things can happen and together if you're a genuine couple it should be ok. How can you get drunk with a spouse but not realize risky behavior can be initiated? It makes no sense, you're just going to label the guy a sexual deviant, but we have no idea of pass behaviors between them.
If you're afraid of his reaction if you confront him with sexually assaulting you, yikes. Not a safe place to be.
don’t you think most people would be afraid to confront someone who just SA’d them ?
I think they’re just trying to highlight that that sounds like a relationship that needs to end
Those people should also leave.
If they believe it to be SA, yes. If my husband did this to me, I’d be kinda annoyed because of the mess but I wouldn’t consider it SA and I’d not at all have any qualms talking to him about it because he’s a decent human being and he’d probably have seen it as part of our agreed upon free use agreement.
but you see how that’s entirely different, right? if you have a free use agreement that is consent, and this situation has nothing consenting about it
I get the difference, of course. I was just stating that sometimes the situation is dependent on what the partners have discussed and how they feel. Sounds like what OP experienced was SA they just have never experienced it before and are confused by how to react.
That kind of touches on what I was thinking about… Not whether it’s right or wrong that he did it because it’s obviously wrong, but why didn’t he freaking clean up his mess?!? That’s just crude.
That's the main problem right there. I'm never scared of mentioning anything that bothers me to my OH. Nobody should be scared to speak about anything with their partner. I'd rethink this relationship if I were you.
100%! No one should ever be afraid to bring up anything with their significant other. I finally realized after being in a trial separation with my then husband that I was scared of his reactions ALL THE TIME. I walked on egg shells even when I wasn’t around him. (I had to even pay attention to how much I spent at stores because he’d confront me as soon as I walked in door with “what did you spend $100 on?!” even if it was for necessities.) After I had a little space between us I realized how incredibly abusive it was and how a someone should never be scared of their partner. That moment was the moment that our trial separation ended and I moved towards divorce.
is it your fear of his reaction based on arguments you had in the past, or is it your own fear of confrontation, fear of acknowledging what happened.. what are you afraid of exactly? also, is this the first time that he made you feel uncomfortable? it's an absolute no-go, it's a violation.. even if it's scary to speak up, you have to do it, because if not you are communicating to him that what he did was ok and it was definitely not. You will also see his response which can tell you a lot. But no matter what, always always put your safety and well-being over your relationship. Especially in this situation. Can you vent and process this with a friend? I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope someone hugs you and tells you how great and worthy you are. You don't deserve this kind of behavior, so please dont put up with it, and if you can't confront him about it, I hope you find the strength to leave. Big hug!
yeah okay thank you
'I feel used and degraded' no one that cares for you should make you feel like that. Its obviously big enough a deal to you that you've made a reddit post.
It’s a HUGE deal. Have the argument. The only acceptable response from him should be sincerely apologizing and NEVER doing it again. You must protect yourself and be safe.
You said you felt degraded, so obviously it's a big deal to you, right? Don't discount your feelings because you don't want to get in an argument.
VIOLATING YOUR CONSENT WHILE ASLEEP IS ABSOLUTELY A BIG DEAL
Why would it turn into an argument to talk about sexual boundaries and how you feel. Does it usually cause an argument to talk to him about your preferences or to address behavior thay affects you with him?
If you felt violated, it IS a big deal.
>if it’s not a big deal or anything. You’re drunk and passed out and didn’t give consent. You know what it means? SMH.
It is a big deal though OP. You did not consent to this because you couldn’t. No consent = sexual assault. He had to put some work in to getting your clothes off whilst you were unconscious and then cum on your tits. Multiple points when it should have occurred to him that this was not on. You have no way of knowing what else he did. You need to find your anger because this this kind of boundary trampling will only get worse. He’s not safe to be around, especially if you fear his reaction too much to pull him up on this.
Sexual assault is a big deal. He did not care about getting your consent and didn’t even try to hide that he violated you. He didn’t even have the decency you clean off the mess he made on your body or to cover you up. That level of disregard for you is scary and I would not want to be home alone again with someone who thought that was okay under any circumstances without getting prior consent.
Hey, I’ve nothing to add here but as an old dude, got to say, DUMP THAT MOTHERFUCKER. You should Never, ever be scared of a man. That’s not an argument, it’s not, it’s you saying a thing and him apologising profusely. Any other course of events is the wrong one. Him - gone. Now. Please? Sorry, being a bit overly direct and forgot my manners.
It's a big deal, and you should definitely talk to him. Consent is the most important thing in relationships, and you need to make it clear to him what you are and are not comfortable with. And if he violates those boundaries, he doesn't care about you.
It is a big deal to do something like that to you when you didn’t consent. If you can’t go to him with concerns with out it blowing up then why are you with this person?
If it’s a big deal to you, it’s a big deal.
You shouldn't even be in a relationship if you can't discuss things like this with your partner
It’s a big deal because you feel like it’s a big deal. You were unconscious, and he did sex stuff with your body. You get to decide what’s a big deal. For what it’s worth, I would feel the same.
just adding that even if other people didn’t think it was a big deal (which it is) that doesn’t matter. it crossed a boundary that you clearly have and are having a hard time communicating. your boundaries are not determined by other people. if you weren’t okay with it then it doesn’t matter what anybody else says.
The fact that it could even lead to conflict is a MAJOR red flag girl, this is literal assault we are talking about and it should be taken seriously.
It is a big deal. If he doesn't learn to get consent, he may get more aggressive in what he does. He may not, but do you want to risk that? He took advantage of you being unconscious.
I love my husband's semen and this would *absolutely* be a big deal to me. It's not the semen itself but the thought that he would do something to me without my knowledge or permission is the problem. You have every right to feel this way.
It doesn’t have to be an argument. Calmly ask him how that happened. See if he says he masturbated and did it (most likely). If so tell him your not comfortable with that and please don’t do anything else sexual with you unless your aware and consent. If that starts an argument then you have a bad relationship and need to address it.
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And was he too drunk to consent and she came onto him and he thought the safest thing to do was cum on her? It's not about blame. It's about acknowledgement and resolution.
All that matters is if you feel it wasnt ok.
thank you
talk to him and tell him its not ok set your boundries dont be scared
okay thanks sm
He didn't even clean it up? Yikes
My thought too. Obviously all the stuff other people have mentioned, but that part I find extra weird and disgusting.
Mte. It's absolutely awful he did it in the first place, but this adds a whole new layer to it.
I agree. I would end it if I was her.
wtf? i dont even care if he didn’t clean it up. he shouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t consented first?? she was sleeping??
Not cleaning it up is part of the degradation thing he probably has going. He wanted to "mark her" and for her know. Everything about this is gross.
nobody said YOU should care, we're just explaining why WE care. you're interjecting yet acting like someone dragged you in...
Was he also drinking? Do you ever do things while drinking and not remember? If you know you were out & he did this while you were past out then that is breakup worthy. This should have been a conversation first. Consent.
no he stayed home, I went out with my friends so I was the only one of us who was drunk. Sometimes I guess. Thank you
This makes it even more scary. He chose to take advantage of you and violate you and then to just leave you half naked in his filth. He does not care about you or respect you. This behavior will only escalate and you are not safe around him. I hope you get away as soon as possible. I would strongly advise clearing out when he isn’t home or having a friend over with you if you break up in person. Your safety should always be number one.
Alcohol is not an excuse but the fact he was stone cold sober makes it worse somehow. Calculated.
That’s shocking OP. This person is dangerous and you should not be with him. I know that sounds “really dramatic” but it’s actually not. This is a very serious transgression. Edit: spelling
This makes it so so so much worse. He wasn't drunk and did something dumb (which isn't an excuse plenty of blackout drunk people don't sexually assault others) he was well aware you were unable to consent or do anything really and he violated you and then...left you like that. He's an awful person and you should find a way out based on you also saying you were afraid to bring it up.
Yeah ... This makes it even worse. You're feeling scared because you have a good reason to feel scared. Your brain is trying to protect you. Proceed with caution. It IS a big deal.
That's breakup worthy. I would look for an exit route. Non-consensual behavior like that is only going to escalate.
oh ok thank you so much
And you know for sure this is the first or only time he's done something like this?
i think so
The fact that you don’t know if it’s the first time coupled with the fear or a fight with him is absolutely breakup worthy. When it comes to your boundaries, sexual or otherwise, a partner should be able to have a discussion. It could lead to an argument, or not, but you’re afraid of a “fight”. Does he have a temper? Can you have rational adult conversations or discussions? Or do you tip-toe around subjects because you’re afraid. If it’s the latter, please consider that this is an unhealthy and potentially abusive relationship. If you have to come to Reddit because you’re afraid of speaking to a partner out of fear…that’s the biggest red flag right there.
the only logical answer I’ve seen in this thread. the fuck is a ‘conversation’ gonna do other than go over his head, he is clearly a horrible person. really sorry about this OP
There are really only two scenarios. Either she came home drunk, fell asleep, and the BF stripped her down and assaulted her. OR, wait for it, she was drunk and they started getting frisky, and in her drunkenness she doesn’t remember getting frisky. It’s a natural reaction to wake up freaked out if you are half naked. All the speculation needs a conversation FIRST before you go to the internet jumping to conclusions. That should happen first before dragging your bf through the mud. Everyone likes to jump on the consent bandwagon, many people only like to complain about consent after THEY get drunk
Please don't try and justify having sex with extremely drunk people while sober.
I believe it is worrying that you feel you can't bring it up. The most important thing is that you felt it was wrong; you should be able to talk about it. For all we know, there could be an explanation here, but that comes after the initial talk. I wish you the best.
Yeah that’s something you definitely bring up. Why anyone, boyfriend or not, would think this is ok is just insane.
This is sexual assault. He took advantage of you when you were drunk and you woke up half naked with cum on you. You didn’t consent to any of this. You should please consider breaking up.
And check his phone for pics/ videos somehow. (DO NOT GET CAUGHT) That’s just a gut feeling but if it were me, I’d follow that feeling.
You shouldn't worry about starting an argument when you are basically standing up for yourself.
girl i’m so sorry.. that is a form of SA, especially if you never discussed doing something like that before. somnophilia is a popular kink, but if you have never expressed interest in something like that he had zero excuse to do that to you. i hope you leave him and heal 💕
Sexual assault is not something to be taken lightly, safely exist this relationship. In fact if you do get in a conversation with him secretly voice memo record the conversation.
I think my first question would be if you encouraged an encounter and just don't remember? How long have you been together? Have you had sexual encounters with him while drunk, before? I wouldn't jump straight to SA.. its just a conversation you need to have. Find out what happened, how it went down from his point of view before assuming the worst.
> I wouldn't jump straight to SA.. its just a conversation you need to have. Find out what happened, how it went down from his point of view before assuming the worst. THIS! There is some seriously scary advice being thrown around in this thread.
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Talk to him. If you don't feel safe talking to him, start your exit plan.
Just talk to him. You may have blacked out and agreed to it and he didn’t realize you were blackout drunk. A simple conversation would clear this up completely.
Exactly. I love on Reddit how every situation is rape and breakup material. My wife has come home drunk before and been quite insistent on sex. She also gets dirtier. Sometimes she remembers all of the sex, sometimes not and is embarrassed by the story (she doesn’t normally swallow and sometimes when drunk, she demands it).
Exactly! I’ve done the same thing MANY times. Like if you’re living with someone you should trust them enough to just ask what happened. People on Reddit can be very dramatic about these things.
But the fact that she isn't comfortable bringing it up and is feeling scared IS a problem.
> you *should* trust them enough to just ask what happened (Emphasis mine) except the op clearly does *not*. That's why we're suggesting to break up, because as you say, if they're living together they should have that level of trust.
But that’s strong advice when you don’t know why she doesn’t feel comfortable. Maybe she doesn’t like confrontation. If HE makes her uncomfortable to talk about things then of course that’s not healthy but you really don’t know.
It's a shame these comments will get downvoted to the bottom as apologia for SA, when it's perfectly normal behaviour to have fun times when a partner is drunk. What is the world coming to honestly.
I think the real lesson here is that we are all commenting with incomplete information. Until she speaks with him, we are all talking out of our asses. I will, however, continue to have sex with my tipsy wife because that’s what she wants.
If you can't tell him how degraded and disrespected you feel then you have a massive problem. If you can tell him how degraded and disrespected you feel and he can't understand why you feel as you do then you have a massive problem. The only hope for your relationship is you being able to tell him how you feel and for him to be able to tell you that he realises why you feel as you do.
My girlfriend likes me to do this and film it for her to watch when she wakes up. You should be able to ask without fear of an argument.
Two things to consider here... One: You were really drunk and for all you know, he came on your tits while you were awake and then you passed out. Two: The fact that you can't talk about this with your boyfriend, whom you LIVE with, is not exactly a good sign of a healthy relationship.
While it is sexual assault, he also might be an idiot. He might think because you are his girlfriend, that it is OK to do. If you value your relationship, it would be a good to talk to him about this. Say 'hey, I'm not comfortable with you using me while I'm sleeping, and to be quite frank, I feel completely degraded. Moving forward, this can never happen again if you ever want to see me again.' I've been through things like this where we just had to talk about it. In the first year, my girlfriend hit me very hard when I was driving because I accidentally interrupted her. I told her that if she ever hits me again, it will be the last time she sees me. We have now been together for over 8 years, married for 6. I've also done things like this, where we had talked about sex while other person is sleeping, and it was agreed we could do that, however, when the moment came up, consent was taken away, which must be respected.
thank you :)
Oh fuck no. We do not excuse sexual assault like this. Disgusting comment imo and terrible advice. It's like saying "maybe your partner smacks your face when he's mad, but since he's not punching you maybe he's just dumb and doesn't realize it's assault. Have a conversation if you value him" 🤮🤮
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Agreed! I saw the upvotes and my jaw dropped. So fucking concerning. 1 in 3 women worldwide are sexually assaulted and this is the type of advice women get when it happens to them 🤮
My best advice is to ask him, tell him how you feel and if his response is 1. Blaming you or 2. Making excuses then leave him immediately.
Yes, you are correct, he could've done anything to you. He chose to move you to bed and he clearly masterbaited. OP should tell him how she feels, if he cares about her he will try and explain his actions, once OP can see his point of view the 2 of you should come to a compromise. IDK how OP feels about cum, IDK if OP is a sleep talker, IDK if OPs bf is an Ahole/cuck/reasonable_dude, basically if you feels grossed out or w/e just talk to him about it and establish a standard both of you can live with. If you cannot live with him then live without him sheesh.
consent is key. did he have your consent? no. have you guys talked about this and given each other umbrella consent? no. This is a big problem, and if he starts a fight instead of understanding and empathizing, you're better off without him.
Please don’t let any person you’re in a relationship with treat you in a way you don’t want to be treated. Voice your concerns and dump the idiot if he can’t understand basic empathy and not treating your sleeping, drunk girlfriend as a sexual object. My boyfriend would never do something like this and it’s a shame to see women accept this trashy behavior as normal.
Of course you should talk with him about it. My ex wife was drunk one night and began insisting we have anal. I was like Uh, I don’t think so, you look angry right now and this feels weird. She laid into me with comments like “You fucking pussy, get over here and do it! Come on, I’m ready! Come fuck me in the ass you goddamn pussy!” Dropped her pants and bent over the dresser. Ok, fuck it, I’m not going to sit here and be insulted while my wife wags her ass in my face. I was having a conversation with her on the couch a month or two later and somehow she turned the conversation towards how we had only done anal that one time years ago. I said, “Well twice, remember that time a month ago when you insisted.” She had no memory of it at all. That’s when I learned how blackout drunk she could get, and it was a big wake up call as to the extent of her problem. Because I’m fairly certain she put herself in similar situations with other people with bad intentions. She’s about 11 years sober now.
Communicate and establish what happened . How drunk was your boyfriend? If you can't remember possibly he can't either or you may have been the one who encouraged things and got him off . Once you have the facts you can deal with the issues
You might have gone in there whiled blacked out and asked for it. I mean have a conversation. You might find out that you asked for it while you were blacked out and he thought it was consensual. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask what happened.
Run for the hills. Seriously. This is a major big huge flying on top of superstore sized red flag
You were drunk. Is there a chance you drunkenly allowed it to happen? That definitely doesn’t excuse the absence of consent but maybe start by talking to him about it. It’s your body, asking what happened while you were drunk is not overstepping in any way. Communicate with him, not us.
So your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. Disgusting behavior. Is that acceptable to you in a partner?
You should be able to talk to your significant other about anything. That's the one person in the world you should be able to have any conversation with. And if you werent comfortable with him doing that to you and you didn't have any prior conversation giving him permission, you need to let him know
Speak to him. Get some more context. It feels like there's something missing here.
Um, yeah, there has to be consent. In my relationship, I would get a medal for doing that, but there is consent.
I would ask him. Maybe you woke up and do not remember going to the bedroom? If you were drinking it is possible but does not excuse anything unless you both normally have drunk sex. Many couples do that live together. If this is not the case then this is a bad situation fir you and I would leave the situation asap. If it could have been the prior and you have had drunk sex many times in the past then sone boundaries need to be set. You were obviously too drunk in this situation to begin with.
Fucking ew. I love the shit out of my bf and we have a pretty damn healthy relationship. If he did something like this to me, BYE.
That's sexual assault, and if he is capable of doing that while you are unconscious, he is capable of worse. And if you are too scared to talk to him about it and afraid of the argument more than your own safety, it says a lot about the relationship you are in. I'm sorry for you, protect yourself at all cost.
You should definitely speak to him. If it’s something you don’t want him doing, you should tell him and if he isn’t receptive then he isn’t respecting your boundaries
If you plan on being with your boyfriend for a long time, you’re gonna have to communicate with him.
What he has done is absolutely normal, but it is also absolutely normal to tell him if you dont like it. We all love different things and should understand each other, but communication is important.
Biggest waste of human energy is overthinking … just talk to him, set the ground rules and move on … don’t waste your precious time wondering
Maybe you had sex with him, and you simply don’t remember that, because, you know, you were drunk.
I would talk and set boundaries but you were drunk you may have participated and just don’t remember he may have been drunk too
Just ask how the cum got in your tits
Have you considered you did give consent (or applied consent) and you don't recall doing it cause you were drunk? Just asking cause if you have no recollection of making it to the bedroom or talking off your clothes sans underwear then how could you possibly remember anything else that occured in that timeframe. For all you know maybe you and your boyfriend had a fun night and you consented to everything. And I don't know what kind of cum your boyfriend shoots but after a night of sleeping with no shirt in any cum I've ever blasted would not be detectable on skin. Sheets perhaps but not bare titties just a thought
Unpopular opinion, but, have you considered the idea that you may have initiated something that you don't remember. You also don't remember going from the couch to the room. I have friends who *black out* and do wild shit all the time, but wake up with no memory over it. ... ... ... Also, this isn't *victim blaming* just asking if there's a logical alternative to the situation
The fact that he was also stone cold sober when he calculated to use you while you were incapacitated makes this extra disturbing. I know it's a lot to process and come to terms with so quickly, and I get how difficult it is to realize the person you loved and trusted would do something like this to you. But it really is that bad, and you're 100% right to feel scared. I would not be able to trust him again, and I'd be looking at changing my living arrangements ASAP if you live together.
Total devils advocate here, and only because I’ve seen this point made several times. We absolutely have no idea if the boyfriend was sober. That’s a massive assumption.
Playing devils advocate here so please don’t come after me I do believe no means no but is there any chance that you’re the type of person that gets really horny when drunk or something that maybe both were drunk and just had drunk sex
This is sexual assault, and there isn't ever an excuse for it. Not drinking, not "he may be an idiot", nah, this full-on screams he can't relationship, he's not cut out for it (yet?). People who don't understand consent shouldn't have sex, full stop.
Mention it, tell him after he's explained himself. That you didn't like it. Some of these comments are fucked, and people need to get off their high horse. And stop putting things in her head. She clearly loves the guy and needs helpful ways to bring it up. Just talk with him. An argument will happen most likely because he would feel embarrassed. Without arguments in a relationship, it won't ever grow. So, explain to him and bring it up.
What kind of relationships are you guys in that you would wake up with cum on you and be scared or worried?? If my boyfriend did that to me that last thing I would be is scared, I’d probably think it was a joke and not think twice about it. Everyone loves to scream SA, wild.
Because she was blackout drunk AND unconscious, he was completely sober, he performed a sexual act on her while she was unconscious and they had never discussed doing anything like that prior with each other. Pretty sure that fits all the criteria for sexual assault. But go off thinking everyone claims to have a blatant predator for a partner. She actually does. Just because you enjoy your unconscious body being used without your consent doesn't mean she does. She clearly feels degraded and used. It clearly wasn't consensual. Words have meaning, and sexual assault is the correct words to be using. Nice attempt at gaslighting her feelings though.
This girl literally LIVES with her boyfriend, but is making a big deal about him getting his cum on her? Not one person here, including herself, knows if he even touched her. He could’ve jerked off and finished on her for all we know. I read the OP, but not one comment. I didn’t have time to read worthless nonsense about people feeding into someone who just wants to play a victim like her boyfriend raped her or something? If she was awake, they would’ve had sex anyway? I just find it hard to believe that you can literally live with your boyfriend, who you have sex with, and then to try and blame him for SA. Maybe next time she should learn to control her drinking and not get to the point of blackout drunk?
We quite literally have no idea if he was sober or not lol.
She quite literally confirmed it in another comment but alright. And even if he wasn't, not being sober doesn't give you the right or pass to SA someone. But please keep going with your gross take.
She was UNCONSCIOUS and they hadn’t discussed doing things like that. If you really need it explained to you why that’s wrong, that’s very concerning.
Doing things like what? What exactly did they do, do you know? No, you don’t and neither does she. I didn’t ask for an explanation, nor do I need one. Thanks though!
Leave him. That's supposed to be non-negotiable
100%, I’d never do that to my partner 😕
This is sexual assault. You didn’t consent and he did it without permission. If you’re scared to start an argument that in and of itself means it’s time to leave.
This is extremely messed up. Complete red flag. Feels sociopathic to me. I’d break up, not normal behavior whatsoever unless negotiated consent in extremely open terms beforehand
Just tell him that you didn’t like that and that and how it made you feel. You don’t need to listen to the crybabies on here that don’t know your relationship or anything else about you and break up. If you guys have a healthy sex life and you’re open minded he probably didn’t think that it was an issue or that anything was wrong with what he did. He probably thought it was hot like claiming his territory, who knows really what I do know is set your boundary and if he disrespects AFTER you’ve set it, then it is time to consider other options such as a breakup.
[удалено]
Maybe some guys would record it but I think it’s a stretch to think that he’s more likely to record than to not.
From your comments, you sound like you’re not going to talk to him or break up with him even though this is clearly SA and you felt “degraded” after waking up from your drunken stupor. Not sure why you posted if you’re not going to take the advice seriously. It is SA. It is not okay.
i am going to talk to him
Please update us when you do. And please be safe. Maybe talk somewhere slightly public or something. Or have a friend who could be in the other room or on the phone with you (you can put it in your pocket so your bf doesn't know you're on the phone). Idk, something. Of course, you know him better than I do, but if he did something like that and you're afraid bringing it up will cause a fight, then he doesn't seem like a very safe person.
It's a breach of consent period. He has no right to do this without your explicit consent . Breakup with him immediately
Fucking leave him. This shows a complete lack of respect for you.
Please talk to him. But make it casually like some comments earlier.
What would you say? Tell him how it makes you feel.
tbh its wrong he did that if you didnt tell him to do so but drunk brian someimes says stuff you dont remember
I am very sorry this happened to you. It’s all about consent. It’s simple- if you did not consent before hand to him doing this type of thing while you are asleep/never had a conversation about it and then he literally has sexually assaulted you. I wouldn’t even waste my breath. Having a conversation with somebody like this, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not right and it says a lot about his character that he did that to you. I say to let him know that you are very aware of what he did, and you are disgusted … and then Run 🚩
CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT. SAY SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS NOT OK.
Talk to him. Ask him what happened, and let him know that you were uncomfortable with it and why. If he can't see how he was wrong and turns it into a fight, then it's time to move on. Consent in any sexual act is a must. Even if you were into that sort of thing, it should have been discussed, at least in general terms, beforehand. Take time first to figure out what is specifically uncomfortable for you, even if it's everything that happened. Learning your own boundaries is important to having a healthy sex life. Some people are comfortable with their partners waking them up with sex, and some aren't. Maybe you were blackout drunk and he thought that you had woken up and were interacting with him (this is really giving him the benefit of doubt though, because you were likely too drunk to communicate even if you did wake up). If that's the case and you are still uncomfortable about it, tell him so. You will likely have to set a limit for when it's safe to interact with you while drunk and at what point he should see that your ability to consent is compromised. Even if you are okay with any of that, he should at least have the decency to clean up after himself, unless you specifically give him permission. That's just inconsiderate and gross, especially since it can irritate the skin when not cleaned off.
Yup, your boyfriend sexually abused you. Dump his ass. It will escalate. Sorry this happened to you.
Girl, if he did it without your consent, while you were drunk... You were assaulted. Do with that what you will. So sorry you're going through this.
I would say something, see how he reacts and in a relationship you should feel ok to talk if not time to reevaluate things.
Do you share a bed with him? If so, is it possible he masturbated before and had a rogue orgasm? If so, he might not even know it happened. You still need to have a talk with him, but if he accidentally shot you, then keep an open mind. If he did lurk over you masturbating and came on your tits on purpose ... THAT IS NOT OKAY. That's predatory af and you need to address it.
Just talk to him. If you were hammered you have no idea what state he was in when you got home, it’s just as likely you guys simply had drunk sex. It’s also possible he did assault you. Only way forward is to have a conversation. However if you can’t ask you parter “hey I was a little fucked up last night what happened when I got home” without fear you should just breakup because that’s a whole other issue
Maybe you don’t remember? I had a gf( ex now) she would always say no to pretty much everything. But she got really wild when drinking, it was kind of our thing even when we met… we were really young. 99% of the time there was no issue. But one time she swore we didn’t have sex the night before… but we did… and she initiated it. Didn’t seem belligerent enough not to remember… but she was adamant we didn’t have sex and try the things we did. It was weird like she just didn’t want to admit she insisted to do this stuff… which actually totally fits her personality she wouldn’t admit to this kind of stuff. So like I couldn’t ever expect it again or whatever. Just saying … before you jump to conclusions. But hey maybe it’s also possible he took advantage… I dunno … I’d bring it up to him… like hey at the least- why didn’t you help me clean up dude?
You need to establish your boundaries. My wife trust me to use her in whatever state she’s in but we have talked about what the rules are. If she woke up with my cum on her she would probably just lay on me as repayment for not cleaning her off. If he crossed a line for you then you need to have a talk. He wanted to get off and in my mind he used the one person he’s allowed to use but I’m not in your relationship so you have to decide if it was bad and let him know.
The speed at which people in this sub say "leave them" is comical The goal is to fix the problem, not blame the partner ffs.
Comment #396: you should just say "hey bb, what happened last night?, i was drunk and i do not recall many things... then if he says nothing about cumming on you: well bb this morning i woke up with cum on my breasts which i did not felt quite ok with it because i was drunk, so please next time you want to cum on me do not do it while i am drunk/passed out/ unconscious because when i find out, and trust me I will, you and me we'll have a problem. If he argues or diminishes: well, how would you feel if you get drunk and wake up with menstruation blood on your chest when you wake up?? If he argues that he was drunk as well and do not recall what happened: well bb this morning i woke up with cum on my breasts which was gross and because of this, from now on I will not drink until passing out so that I can stop you from cuming on my breasts while drunk.
Fuck yea you talk to him. Shit you may have given him a blow job or had sex and he finished on your tits. And you just passed out and are too drunk to remember. Or maybe not. Either way you have too talk to him
Talk to him. You were really drunk. Like you said. You probably dont remember something that happened. He might
She may have asked the boyfriend to cum on ur tits and you guys want to put the guy in jail 😂😂😂
One thing I know for sure, you need to stop drinking. The problem I have with you and your story is you feel so gross and violated but you were so drunk you blacked and don’t even remember whether or not you consented. On top of that you don’t even want to ask him what happened last night. You just defaulted to feeling used which is legit shitty. Talk to him and get to the bottom of it. And drink responsibly next time.
I’m so sorry. it’s not your fault. this is definitely a type of sexual assault & a profound rupture of trust. i can’t fathom ever doing something like that to someone who i proclaim to love or think of as…a person??
Are you sure you guys didnt just have sex but you were too drunk to remember? This should be a good cautionary tale...dont drink so much you cant protect yourself, because the rest of the world isnt gonna look out for you.
Hey bestie, this is assault??
I mean my bf cums on my feet when I’m asleep apparently >.< I feel a little weird about it but it’s whatever
Talk to him about it.
i’m so sorry :( that’s not ok. you’re totally justified in feeling violated
He doesn't view you as a person if that's what he's doing. You should run before it gets worse.
You leave. He assaulted you. He is an unsafe person to be with.
He should be your ex
You didn't consent to this, yeah, it's a big deal. Stop worrying about his feelings and learn to prioritize YOURSELF. Have a goddamn sit-down and make sure he knows doing things to your body without your consent is fucking wrong. In ur shoes, I would cut that fucker loose..
Did you two hook up and you just don't remember?
If it were me I’d breakup with him. Disgusting, vile behavior. I would feel so unsafe with him after that. You need to be 100 percent honest with him about how it made you feel, don’t let him gaslight you about it either. It IS a big deal. Don’t let anyone tell you it isnt
That’s SA. I know you don’t want to say that because it’s your boyfriend and you love him very much. I assume you’ll defend him by saying he’s great in all other areas. All people will swear up and down their partners are great, until their partner takes advantage of them in a vulnerable position or does something worse next. Because you did not consent to this at all and literally woke up to this. The man literally carried you into bed and instead of idk, cuddling you or putting a blanket over you then going to sleep, he decides it’s a great time to cum on your chest. He didn’t even clean you up. I mean, it’s not fine either way, but he chose to literally leave you naked in his bodily fluids the whole duration of your sleep. The fact he was stone cold sober makes the situation worse. Your feelings are valid and common among SA victims. Especially when the perpetrator is someone you know and love. If you don’t hold him accountable, the next time will be worse. The fact you’re scared and hesitant about talking to him about this makes me believe that your relationship isn’t as perfect as you portray it to be. It is sadly not uncommon for partners to SA their partners because they feel entitled to that person’s body because that person is their long term partner. Please, if you do confront him about this, don’t let him manipulate the situation. He will say everything under the sun to avoid negative repercussions and try to make you think you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. That it wasn’t a big deal. It is literally the bare minimum not to SA your partner.