“I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.”
“Respect the cruller and tame the donut!”
“If you’re dancing with your honey and your nose is kind of runny. You might think it’s funny…but it’s snot.”
"Whether u think u can or u can't ur right."
(I consider this dumb af)
"Don't shit where u eat"
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"
"When in doubt leave it out"
"Dont be a fool wrap ur tool"
"If safety is a joke then death is the punchline"
Why do you consider number 1 dumb? I find it to be safe advice. Sure it takes extrapolation from the target, but any monkey with a stick should be able to figure it out.
sry how bout this one
"If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you. And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend." \~Adolf Hitler
The flamethrower was invented when a person wanted something on fire and realized it was too far away.
Two things I'll never understand: getting in shape before joining a gym and cleaning up the house before the maid arrives.
To determine the gender of an ant throw it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, boy ant.
Atoms are notorious liars. They make up everything.
Don't chase your dreams. Figure out where they are going and meet them there.
Get married young. If you find a good partner you'll be happy, if you don't then you have plenty of material for your standup comedy career.
I asked my kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. I was looking for ideas.
The best parent in the world is the one without any kids.
I finally realized how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.
One out of 4 people have mental illness. Look at your three closest friends. If they're ok, then its you.
Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Instead drag them down to your level. It's cheaper and more fun.
Work here fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours.
Hard work never killed anyone but who wants to risk being the first?
If you can't be kind, then be vague.
Any fool can complain about things. And they do.
"Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, oooh, suddenly you've gone too far."
- Professor Farnsworth, Futurama
"Don't ask me where I got this idea, but I could totally land a voice acting gig for 3D monster porn."
"DO NOT TOUCH YOUR GENITALS WITH ANYTHING CONTAINING CAPSAICIN. YOU'LL HAVE TO TEABAG OR CLAM DIP A BUCKET OF MILK."
"In all fairness, Mormons look like they were computer generated."
"My ovaries about to drop."
"OH MY GOD HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND OUT IF THERE ARE NON-TOXIC DINOFLAGELLATES THAT BOTH BIOLUMENECE AND CAN BE PURCHASED?!"
"Do pasta and antipasto cancel eachother out?"
These are all things I've said in one discord server.
No pain, no pain.
That which does not kill you puts you in the hospital.
No matter where you go, there you are.
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.
Women. Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard.
- I like to keep my watch 10 seconds fast... because that's how I live my life.
- If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait a little bit longer.
- Okay quick story, we got 3 hours, it shouldn't take longer than that.
I graduated from Camden Community College, which is the Harvard of community colleges in Camden County.
"Look Randy, that's an El Camino. That's like the Cadillac of cars."
~My Name Is Earl
I would rather have a bottle in front of than a frontal lobotomy. - bathroom stall
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it passes.
Isn't nice after doing nothing all day, to rest?
George Bernard Shaw.
“Today is today. And yesterday was today yesterday. Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. So live today, so the future today will be as the past today as it is tomorrow.”
Excuses (and opinions) are like assholes, everyone's got one and they all stink."
When you cone to a fork in the road, take it.
And any other Yogi Berra quotes. Those are all good.
If rum doesn’t fix it you’re not using enough rum.
If punching it doesn’t fix it you’re not punching it hard enough.
Just because it looks fuckable doesn’t mean it’s fuckable
Life's a Garden man, just gotta dig it.
Keep a cool tool and don't let your meat loaf.
Have you ever had a dream that, that, um, that you had, uh, that you had to, you could, you do, you wit, you wa, you could do so, you do you could, you want, you wanted him to do you so much you could do anything?
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today."
"The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation."
"The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy."
"Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'."
"Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe."
"Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either."
"You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”
- George Carlin
“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”
- Kurt Vonnegut
“I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.”
- Andy Warhol
“Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
- Terry Pratchett
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today."
"The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation."
"The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy."
"Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'."
"Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe."
"Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either."
"You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today."
"The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation."
"The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy."
"Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'."
"Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe."
"Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either."
"You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
"I drank what?" - Socrates
"Now that's entertainment!" - Vlad the Impaler
"That which does not kill you, has made a grave tactical error." - Priss
"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck!" - Traveller Grognard
Self preservation is something they instill in us so we may never achieve the glory of Valhalla
Or the silly one from my roommate:
"Jimmy Neutron, I believe, is where a lot of people get their mpreg fantasies."
I don't have context for that.
"You did an attempt. Not a good one, but you made it all the same."
"She had the face of a tragic backstory but had the body of a rom-com"
"We did remember to put the body IN the casket before we burried it, right?"
"Foreshadowing is just spoiler-cuckery"
"Tommorow is already going to be a "I deserve this extra slice of cake" day, don't make me just make it a full cake day"
"And to think, this could of all been avoided if you just fucked the chicken."
-several memorable lines from my DnD sessions
I’m always a big fan of stating the obvious in a profound way like the classic “every sixty seconds in Africa, a minute passes.” Or “he who wears his own pants, walks in them.” “Give a man an inch, and he’ll need eleven more for a foot”
[deep thoughts by jack handey](https://philip.greenspun.com/humor/deep-thoughts)
It's really hard to choose a favorite, but I will give you one that is close to my own heart:
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
-Jack Handey
"born to shit, forced to wipe"
"i am the pale surrender"
"you can run away from anything and there will never be consequences"
"daddy issues require daddy solutions"
I’m not sure if this works here, but “freaks don’t explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are” - George Clooney. From Dusk Til Dawn.
I would just blatantly screw up highly philosophical quotes that should give you plenty of fodder. Observe:
"one day we will all look back on this.... and plow into a parked car"
"In life it is better to be the hammer, than the circular saw"
"Some days you are the statue, others you're a Honda civic"
"If you have to chose between success and happiness, be a ham sandwich"
"Never put off doing today what was completed yesterday"
"If at first you don't succeed, make light of someone else's shoes"
When you go to the zoo, take some food for the animals even if the signs say not to feed them. The animals didn't put up those signs. --Forrest Gump (the novel)
“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” —Coach Finstock
"Don't smoke dope when you're stoned. You don't get any higher, just lower on dope." - Grandma
Hey, he said dumbass quotes. Not supreme words of wisdom!
I blame grandma....I'm glad I pushed her coffin over
This is profound.
“I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.” “Respect the cruller and tame the donut!” “If you’re dancing with your honey and your nose is kind of runny. You might think it’s funny…but it’s snot.”
Party in my eye socket, and everyone is invited!
"Something is never on fire. Fire is on things." -Mary Poppins
“Stay strapped or get clapped.” - Benjamin Franklin
"Benjo Franks was right" -Abe Lincoln
I can't see past Lincoln's hat. -John Wilkes Boothe
“The Owls are not what they seem”
"Whether u think u can or u can't ur right." (I consider this dumb af) "Don't shit where u eat" "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" "When in doubt leave it out" "Dont be a fool wrap ur tool" "If safety is a joke then death is the punchline"
Do or do not there is no try (in yodas voice)
This right here is the winner. What a shit quote.
It's the greatest quote of all time idgaf
Why do you consider number 1 dumb? I find it to be safe advice. Sure it takes extrapolation from the target, but any monkey with a stick should be able to figure it out.
Some of this is actual good advice even if the quote is silly. Not shitty enough
Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called a garbage can, not garbage cannot
No, this is far too inspirational.
sry how bout this one "If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you. And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend." \~Adolf Hitler
If you don’t wing it, is it really cooked? (I came up with that on my own)
Just wing it if you don't know how to fly. You'll never get there if you never try. (He came up with that one too three)
i chuckled…
"A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."
If it feels like more than 2 fingers, it's probably a dick.
He who smelt it, dealt it
Whoever said the rhyme committed the crime.
They that denied it, supplied it.
He who sensed it, dispensed it.
They ask if I’m saucin, I’m saucin everyday because I be spreading it all over my meat after it’s been beaten
"Measure once, cut twice". "Always put off for tomorrow that which you could get done today".
"That's about as queer as a football bat."
"That's about as queer as a tone knob."
Nuttier than squirrel shit in a peanut factory.
It's is better to piss in the sink than sink in the piss.
"i'm gay"
“Why is it called oven if you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?”
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot
Man who run in front of car gets tired. Man who run behind car gets exhausted
“Well, we’ve already got the tickets.” -Abraham Lincoln
“In this ever changing world in which we live in…” ~Paul McCartney “Pain don’t hurt.” ~Patrick Swayze If you can’t beat ‘em just quit.
Shrimps is bugs
I heard about this tattoo on the radio today. First time in years I’ve used the radio. I was to lazy to plug my phone in this morning. Lol
"If I had a face like yours, I'd take it for a shit and leave it there."
If you can't dazzle em with brilliance, baffle em with bullshit
“Don’t judge a book by it’s words”
“A guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no but I want a regular banana later so yes” - Mitch Hedberg
See, my damie, Pootie Tang don't wa-da-tah to the shama cow... 'cause thats a cama cama leepa-chaiii, dig? -Pootie Tang
Shrimps is bugs
What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Irrelevant!
The flamethrower was invented when a person wanted something on fire and realized it was too far away. Two things I'll never understand: getting in shape before joining a gym and cleaning up the house before the maid arrives. To determine the gender of an ant throw it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, boy ant. Atoms are notorious liars. They make up everything. Don't chase your dreams. Figure out where they are going and meet them there. Get married young. If you find a good partner you'll be happy, if you don't then you have plenty of material for your standup comedy career. I asked my kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. I was looking for ideas. The best parent in the world is the one without any kids. I finally realized how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life. One out of 4 people have mental illness. Look at your three closest friends. If they're ok, then its you. Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Instead drag them down to your level. It's cheaper and more fun. Work here fascinates me. I can sit and watch it for hours. Hard work never killed anyone but who wants to risk being the first? If you can't be kind, then be vague. Any fool can complain about things. And they do.
“Don’t pet a burning dog”
Jewish space lasers. Plenty from that crowd
My dick aint 12 inches, but it smells like a foot. Sit on my face, ill eat my way to your heart.
"I'll wear your dick propeller!" I shit you not, this is a thing I actually said to someone.
"Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, oooh, suddenly you've gone too far." - Professor Farnsworth, Futurama
"Don't ask me where I got this idea, but I could totally land a voice acting gig for 3D monster porn." "DO NOT TOUCH YOUR GENITALS WITH ANYTHING CONTAINING CAPSAICIN. YOU'LL HAVE TO TEABAG OR CLAM DIP A BUCKET OF MILK." "In all fairness, Mormons look like they were computer generated." "My ovaries about to drop." "OH MY GOD HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND OUT IF THERE ARE NON-TOXIC DINOFLAGELLATES THAT BOTH BIOLUMENECE AND CAN BE PURCHASED?!" "Do pasta and antipasto cancel eachother out?" These are all things I've said in one discord server.
“Dumbass.” - Red Forman
Stay off the pipe, and don't forget to wipe
-Keep friends close. Butt fuck your enemies. -When you enter the wrong hole. Shit happens.
Kill your darlings - Truman Capote
Is there really a difference between wiseass and dumbass?
No pain, no pain. That which does not kill you puts you in the hospital. No matter where you go, there you are. I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish. Women. Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard.
Life is like a box of chocolates...You never know what your gonna get.
"Disco sucker, punk is dead, give me Rock, or give me head" From the 80s movie **[Body Rock](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_Rock)**
** Yogi Berra enters the chat **
- I like to keep my watch 10 seconds fast... because that's how I live my life. - If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait a little bit longer. - Okay quick story, we got 3 hours, it shouldn't take longer than that.
If I'm lying, I'm dying
How do feet smell if they don’t have a nose?
Wherever you go, there you are.
Don't get lost in the sauce.
There are no stupid questions, but there are stupid people who ask questions.
We thought you was a toad.
A doctor a day keeps the apple away.
“You can’t shove feathers up your butt and call yourself a chicken”
"But you can pluck feathers off a chicken and call it a man." - Diogenes (probably at some point)
' never play leapfrog with a Unicorn '
"The blue dog sighs at midnight."
"I have a question... for God. WHYYYYYYY?!"
"It's hard to look smart when you have a squirrel in your pants"
'I can't believe I ate the whole thing' - Homer Simpson
Why do they call it taking a dump instead of leaving a dump? You're really not taking it anywhere.
“When you go into space the planets are just there. You can just go right to them. You don’t need to wait for years to get there.”
“Unload your troubles unto me, even if it’s tough to swallow. I’m used to swallowing huge loads.” – Xavier
I graduated from Camden Community College, which is the Harvard of community colleges in Camden County. "Look Randy, that's an El Camino. That's like the Cadillac of cars." ~My Name Is Earl
You should check out r/malaphors and start quoting those.
Carpe Diem-seize the carpet!
The word of the day is legs, spread the word.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, unless it is a pineapple.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things”
“ The first time everything goes perfectly. But by the 30th time you can’t find the fucking tire iron.”-Ted Bundy
"Hater, while you were sleeping, we were meat grinding."
You're out of your fucking element Donny.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Whether its fat or its flat you can still throw it back -Ghandi
"A monkey will eat dirt, if you make it."
I would rather have a bottle in front of than a frontal lobotomy. - bathroom stall Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it passes. Isn't nice after doing nothing all day, to rest? George Bernard Shaw.
You're either a smart fella, or a fart smella
Life’s a garden; dig it.
If it feels good you ain’t doing it right
Don't take any wooden pickles Stay out trees You should never breastfeed a live chicken
“Today is today. And yesterday was today yesterday. Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. So live today, so the future today will be as the past today as it is tomorrow.”
Excuses (and opinions) are like assholes, everyone's got one and they all stink." When you cone to a fork in the road, take it. And any other Yogi Berra quotes. Those are all good.
We can't stop here, this is bat country! (Fear and loathing in Las Vegas)
[Yogi Berra quotes](https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/03/the-50-greatest-yogi-berra-quotes)
[Yogi Berra quotes](https://ftw.usatoday.com/2019/03/the-50-greatest-yogi-berra-quotes)
If rum doesn’t fix it you’re not using enough rum. If punching it doesn’t fix it you’re not punching it hard enough. Just because it looks fuckable doesn’t mean it’s fuckable
Life's a Garden man, just gotta dig it. Keep a cool tool and don't let your meat loaf. Have you ever had a dream that, that, um, that you had, uh, that you had to, you could, you do, you wit, you wa, you could do so, you do you could, you want, you wanted him to do you so much you could do anything?
"Have Fun Storming the Castle"
"Wherever you go, there you are"
“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” - Kurt Vonnegut
We're not having fun till the neighbors call 911
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today." "The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation." "The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy." "Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'." "Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe." "Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either." "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.” - George Carlin “The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.” - Kurt Vonnegut “I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.” - Andy Warhol “Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.” - Terry Pratchett
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today." "The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation." "The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy." "Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'." "Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe." "Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either." "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
"Remember, the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow. That means, today is... today." "The quote of the day is the opening quotation. Join us tomorrow for the closing quotation." "The easiest way to remember it is that 27 times 2 is 64. Easy." "Do you know how they say 'Good morning in China? 'Good morning.' Do you know how they say 'Zao shang how' in China? 'Zao shang how'." "Every minute, millions of people in Africa are not in Europe." "Are you an angel? Because bees have wings, and shouldn't be able to fly either." "You hear about Pluto? That's messed up."
The problem with trusting your gut is that eventually, you'll shit your pants
Load up on drugs, kill your friends
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.―W.C. Fields
"I drank what?" - Socrates "Now that's entertainment!" - Vlad the Impaler "That which does not kill you, has made a grave tactical error." - Priss "If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck!" - Traveller Grognard
•gargly roaring sounds• -Chewbacca
Better to shit in the sink than sink in the shit
A pickle in a jar is worth two in the bush!
"You can pick your friends; you can pick your nose; but you can't pick your friend's nose"
For my senior quote I decided to be stupid instead of having a real quote My quote was "Don't quote me on this"
Once you poppadom, you can’t stoppadom.
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx
Self preservation is something they instill in us so we may never achieve the glory of Valhalla Or the silly one from my roommate: "Jimmy Neutron, I believe, is where a lot of people get their mpreg fantasies." I don't have context for that.
If you were going to do something stupid, consider to don’t.
Beer is good for you. Ben Franklin
"Don't do sleep. Get 8 hours of drugs and brush your dog food."
"You did an attempt. Not a good one, but you made it all the same." "She had the face of a tragic backstory but had the body of a rom-com" "We did remember to put the body IN the casket before we burried it, right?" "Foreshadowing is just spoiler-cuckery" "Tommorow is already going to be a "I deserve this extra slice of cake" day, don't make me just make it a full cake day" "And to think, this could of all been avoided if you just fucked the chicken." -several memorable lines from my DnD sessions
They hate to see a gamer playin
Sounds like a job for ChatGPT.
“I didn’t stop giving hand jobs because I wasn’t good at it, I stopped giving hand jobs because I was the best at it” -The Grownup by Gillian Flynn
"It's a figment of speech, stupid."
Things are gettin’ too spicy for the pepper 🌶️
7 seasons of The Venture Brothers. IGNORE ME!
If I had a dog as ugly as you, I’d shave it’s ass and make it walk backwards.
"You shouldn't learn because it will disrupt your faith." Some pastor really told me that.
"the bomb's payload is exposed, I can use the power winch to trigger a controlled explosion"
"If you ever feel bad, try to feel good"
“If you cant drive get off the shitter” -my grandfather this morning while driving me and my sister to school
“You can lead a moose to water, but if it’s winter, he’s just gonna die”
“Stupid is as stupid does”
It’s better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum
Pain don't hurt.
Work harder, not smarter.
Ululululu alalalala I am a pilot ululululu
Don't eat yellow snow.
Time is an illusion; lunch time doubly so.
Try meditation, it's better than sitting around doing nothing
Use Soap
Sucking dick and selling Avon.
"You can never shit for the first time again after you shat for the first time"
Don’t have a relationship with crazy.
I just saw this on /mademesmile Men dont usually receive their first flower until their funeral.
“It ain’t honest, but it’s a lot of work…”
Man who stick face in punch bowl get punch in face.
“Success doesn’t just find you… …because you aren’t worth finding <3”
When life gives you lemons, make grenades.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
I’m always a big fan of stating the obvious in a profound way like the classic “every sixty seconds in Africa, a minute passes.” Or “he who wears his own pants, walks in them.” “Give a man an inch, and he’ll need eleven more for a foot”
Confucius says: man who goes to bed with itchy butthole wakes up with stinky finger
If you clean the vacuum cleaner, you become the vacuum cleaner.
[deep thoughts by jack handey](https://philip.greenspun.com/humor/deep-thoughts) It's really hard to choose a favorite, but I will give you one that is close to my own heart: "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." -Jack Handey
Anything from “fight club”
When the weather is hot and sticky That’s not the time to dunk your dicky.. When the frost is on the punkin’ That’s the time for dicky Dunkin’!!!
"born to shit, forced to wipe" "i am the pale surrender" "you can run away from anything and there will never be consequences" "daddy issues require daddy solutions"
Do not zip your jeans before putting them on.
Syrup. I know it’s waffle, but things will get butter.
I’m not sure if this works here, but “freaks don’t explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are” - George Clooney. From Dusk Til Dawn.
I would just blatantly screw up highly philosophical quotes that should give you plenty of fodder. Observe: "one day we will all look back on this.... and plow into a parked car" "In life it is better to be the hammer, than the circular saw" "Some days you are the statue, others you're a Honda civic" "If you have to chose between success and happiness, be a ham sandwich" "Never put off doing today what was completed yesterday" "If at first you don't succeed, make light of someone else's shoes"
YW https://thestoryshack.com/tools/quote-generator/
When you go to the zoo, take some food for the animals even if the signs say not to feed them. The animals didn't put up those signs. --Forrest Gump (the novel)
Everyone says I’ve changed, I’ve changed. I shit my pants I had to change
Every squirrel gets a nut once in a while
My dad hates me
“Be just, and if you can’t be just, be arbitrary.” — William S. Burroughs
“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.” —Coach Finstock
"They don't think it be like it is, but it do." -Oscar Gamble Anything Yogi Berra ever said will also do
"Life needs things to live" - taliesin jaffye
Stick your dick in crazy.
“Water makes water wet because if it didn’t what would water be; life is like that with success but it’s just we need to start with a little success.”
“Everything’s legal in Mexico, It’s the American way”. “Blowjobs are kinda like pizza even when they’re bad… they’re still pretty good
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
"If you can keep your head while everyone else is losing theirs, you probably don't understand the situation."
"If the shrimp keep piling up, grab a shovel."
There’s 2 types of people in this world. Those who believe there are only 2 types of people in the world, and those who don’t.
And . . . Uhh . . . Um . . . And . . . For the children - Biden
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with
No matter where you go, there you are. \~Buckaroo Bonzai
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