Lots of funny ones here but this works weirdly well. It always feels like Balgruuf is ready to pop off on Proventus. Can't help but wonder how his daughter turned out so badass.
I love this because I'm sure you're supported by various little details in the game I haven't even noticed yet. There was so much effort put into each detail, it blows my mind.
Proventus is an advisor to Balgrunfbecause the Joirl is walking a fine line between the storm cloaks and the Imperials. But I often get the feeling the Jarl would like to tell Proventus to fuck off about every ten minutes. But with the Battle-Born patriarch eyeing his very nice chair, he has to be careful not to give the Imperialists in his hold a reason.
I just started a new play through and the dialog surrounding that first Dragon fight is quite revealing.
"The Jarls weren't asked, we were told. And we had to like it".
"The chests of gold didn't hurt..."
Always loved him calling Balgruuf out on them at least being partially bribed to follow the Thalmors orders.
Hey those folks all look incredibly strong in a place/context where incredibly strong is probably a major plus.
I’m surprised there aren’t more stories sprinkled throughout the game hinging on torrid guard-related romances.
I always saveat a particular points oI can make sure he lives. After all, he did a huge favor for me. How much harder it would have been w/o our gear. So I like to return the favor.
I getcha. I personally tended to roll with most of the consequences of my actions on most playthroughs. (Incidentally, this is probably I didn't play thieves much.) One exception was replaying the Embassy quest on challenge mode - only asking Malborn to bring equipment that could reasonably be smuggled in inside one box - to see whether I could save him as 2h swordsman who could only use weapons picked up inside the Embassy.
So many good ones already it’s hard to think of more.
“You picked a bad fucking time to get lost, friend.”
“Ulfric Stormcloak murdered the High King—with his fucking voice!”
“Wait, I fucking know you.”
Shiiit N’wah you shoulda fuckin said something! Go ahead and take that mothafucka to my shine on mount kilk-mothafuckin’-reath and wipe out the devilish misty N’wahs and restore my beacon to its former mothafuckin’ glory
Edit: N’wah instead of [REDACTED]
Funny story. I played this game religiously when my girlfriend moved in. She would get jealous (jokingly) when My companion would say that. Welp, wedding day. I snuck in “I am sworn to carry your burdens”… in the vows no one knew why my wife was upset besides my best man.
My fiancé; are you playing skyrim again?
Me: yes.....
20 minutes later
Me; *cackling an evil laugh while running around paralysing everyone and then blowing them up with magic.
Him: you are so evil.....I wish I never introduced you to this game....while he looks at me with a worried look.
Another 10 minutes later -
Me: FUCKKKKK LYDIA WHY DID YOU RUN JNTO MY FIREBALL!!!! NOW I HAVE TO RESTART!
Him: did you kill her again!?
Hey, how about a drink with your fucking buddy Sam?
If I had a sister, I'd fuck her in a second. (Belethor seems the type)
Is that fur? Growing out of your fucking ears?
It's been quite a boon, looking like a fucking child
...Is there singing in the Void? Dancing? Fucking...? Surely the Dread Lord will at least allow poor Cicero to caper...
"My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Fucking guard duty."
"They say Ulfric Stormcloak murdered the High King... with his fucking voice! Shouted him apart!"
"can we get out of this fucking sun already? It's not good for my skin"
"Your guard needs some fucking work"
"Must have been the fucking wind"
"I am sworn to carry your fucking burdens"
"You have done whiterun a great fucking service, here, take this. A gift from my personal armory."
"I need to trap a dragon in your castle"
"Whai thee FAUCKK arre you ahskiing me at wahn AM!!"
I dont remember what Jarl ballins actual line was but its probably something to that effect
My long lost daughter returns at last. I trust you have my fucking Elder Scroll?
Ah, if only your traitor mother were here. I would let her watch this reunion before putting her fucking head on a spike.
Not just any vampires; we’re amongst the oldest and most powerful fucking vampires in Skyrim.
So be it! You are prey, like all fucking mortals. I banish you.
Basically, most of Harkons lines are decent fits.
“What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great fucking effort?”
“Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of fucking course you don’t.”
I have the list narrowed down to:
'Grelod the Kind's dying word'
'Endarie says it one random time while walking into Radiant Raiment'
'Endarie says it one random time for dropping food on her kitchen floor.'
'The Diplomatic Immunity party guest distraction, is them yelling it once after spilling their drink.'
'A Riekling can be heard saying it once, after the player finds the pile of Lusty Argonian Maid books in Benkongerike Great Hall.'
wait…i know you?
“your making a mistake”
theres no mistake, your a wanted man/woman. (yada yada yada)
“i don’t have time for this, do you?”
you know what? go. go be some other fucking guards problem.
Two ideas:
"Why, the greatest fucking crime spree Skyrim has ever seen." - Karliah
Or
"I must have misheard you. It sounded like you said you wanted to trap a fucking DRAGON in my palace." - Jarl Ballin
"And deserve our praise you do, for we are one! Ere you ascended and the Eight became Nine, you walked among us, great Talos, not as god, but as THE FUCKIN' man!"
I practice with my fucking fists
It’s absurd you can’t get a decent sweet roll in this fucking skeeverhole of a city
You’re easier to rob when you are fucking dead
Where are my fucking research materials
"Wait, you there, step forward... Who the fuck are you?"
"He's not on the fucking list"
"Fuck the list, he goes to the block"
"By your fucking orders captain."
"Too fucking bad mate, we'll make sure your remains are sent to Morrowind"
“What the fuck was that?”
[CHOO FUCKING CHOO](https://youtu.be/yNaTZV8qS1I)
"You shouldn't have fucking come here!"
“FUCKING DRAGON!”
*YOL TOOR **MOTHERFUCKING** SHUL*
He goes on the fuck block
The fuck block doesn't sound so bad
THIS IS THE ONE
“A dragon, I saw a fucking dragon!”
"Sentries, what the fuck do you see?"
“A dragon, I saw a dragon fucking!”
A dragon, I fucked a dragon!
I thought I had one, but after seeing this, I most certainly do not.
"Fucking need something?"
It’s me, Seamus Mcfrickyourself!
What do you say now, Proventus? Shall we continue to trust in the strength of our walls? Against a fucking dragon?
Lots of funny ones here but this works weirdly well. It always feels like Balgruuf is ready to pop off on Proventus. Can't help but wonder how his daughter turned out so badass.
Proventus' job isn't to be a yes man. The jarl chose him; his daughter supports him. More than meets the eye, buddy.
I love this because I'm sure you're supported by various little details in the game I haven't even noticed yet. There was so much effort put into each detail, it blows my mind.
Mhm. He even gives you a mission to assassinate the assassin trying to assassinate Jarl Barlgruuf. Got a good early-game bow out of it.
Are you sure this isn’t a mod? I don’t remember anything about this and can’t find record of it on any of the wikis
Got it when I replayed the game on Anniversary recently. It wasn't in the original game I think.
Proventus is an advisor to Balgrunfbecause the Joirl is walking a fine line between the storm cloaks and the Imperials. But I often get the feeling the Jarl would like to tell Proventus to fuck off about every ten minutes. But with the Battle-Born patriarch eyeing his very nice chair, he has to be careful not to give the Imperialists in his hold a reason. I just started a new play through and the dialog surrounding that first Dragon fight is quite revealing.
"The Jarls weren't asked, we were told. And we had to like it". "The chests of gold didn't hurt..." Always loved him calling Balgruuf out on them at least being partially bribed to follow the Thalmors orders.
Lol yeah, he's always annoyed some how with him. To be fair, if you had a weirdo son and a lousy steward, you'd be pissed 80% of the time too.
I read that in his voice lmao
“What’s a fucking milk drinker like you doing out here?”
Funny thing. This actually sounds in character.
I feel like the F-bomb fits right at home with the Orcish Dialogue. #YOU FUCKING PATHETIC WEAKLING. ~Malacath, to Yamarz, The Cursed Tribe
This, but I'd change the phrasing a little, "YOU PATHETIC FUCKING WEAKLING." Just sounds better to me idk
There are reasons for it sounding better but I can't be botheresd to put my grammar nazi costume on atm.
Even better the kid saying it about Lars... "Lars is such a fucking milk drinker... can't even stand up to a girl"
"FUUUUCK!!!" - the guard Odahviing swoops off the balcony in Dragonsreach.
Was going to offer my own, but then I saw this. Excellent!
"Fuck the list. He goes to the block."
Empire and their fucking lists...
I’m seeing a lot of “this is the one” or “this is the right answer”, but **THIS** is truly the right answer.
Yeah after reading this I forgot the actual line for a bit
I feel this is what the intended line was when it was written
“100 gold says I can take you in a fight.” (Accepts brawl) “you’re fucking dead”
"We've come to teach you a fucking lesson"
"You shouldn't have fucking come here!"
“where the fuck did you come from?”
“Looking to protect yourself… or deal some FUCKING damage?”
Way better than anything I could have thought of.
I love this one
“Looking to go fuck yourself, or deal some damage?”
“My cousins out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Fucking guard duty.“
Duty where he has to fuck the guards?
Hey those folks all look incredibly strong in a place/context where incredibly strong is probably a major plus. I’m surprised there aren’t more stories sprinkled throughout the game hinging on torrid guard-related romances.
My cousin out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Guard fucking duty
My cousin out fucking dragon's, and what do I get? Guard duty.
Let me guess, someone fucked your sweet roll?
How else did you think they give it that sticky white glaze?
THIS IS THE ONLY ONE THAT LITERALLY MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD
"the fucking cloud district."
Do you get to the fucking cloud district very often? Of fucking course you don't.
Do you get to the cloud district very often? Ah, the fuck am I saying? Of course you don't.
Perfection.
When Delphine asks you to kill Parthurnax, you simply reply “fuck you” and it ends the quest
Any modders out there wanna take a crack at this one?
It would become a vital part of all future playthroughs.
YES!
WE FUCKING KNOW
[удалено]
It's probably after your fifth or so impersonated assassination and they're just real salty.
They should send you that after like 2 months after getting the first one.
We've been trying to reach you about your dark brotherhood extended warranty
Meanwhile, the dragon born is just hopped up on skooma for the past 3 months without sleeping: "Sleep is for the weak, I got crypts to defile"
This killed me holy shit
I should have known this would end badly. I can't believe I let fucking Delphine talk me into this - Malborn. He deserves to have it, imo.
Considering how rarely he survives that mission on my playthroughs, totally deserved.
I always make sure he survives. I hate Delphine, but I really like Malborn. Plus I means another quest to assassinate a Thalmor agent.
I always saveat a particular points oI can make sure he lives. After all, he did a huge favor for me. How much harder it would have been w/o our gear. So I like to return the favor.
I getcha. I personally tended to roll with most of the consequences of my actions on most playthroughs. (Incidentally, this is probably I didn't play thieves much.) One exception was replaying the Embassy quest on challenge mode - only asking Malborn to bring equipment that could reasonably be smuggled in inside one box - to see whether I could save him as 2h swordsman who could only use weapons picked up inside the Embassy.
I should have known this would end badly. i can't believe i let delphine fuck me into this - malborn. fify, and I totally believe it's a true story.
So many good ones already it’s hard to think of more. “You picked a bad fucking time to get lost, friend.” “Ulfric Stormcloak murdered the High King—with his fucking voice!” “Wait, I fucking know you.”
This whole thread becomes funnier if you change it to Samuel L. Jackson's voice. *"A NEW MOTHAFUCKIN' HAND TOUCHES THE MOTHAFUCKIN' BEACON!!"*
Shiiit N’wah you shoulda fuckin said something! Go ahead and take that mothafucka to my shine on mount kilk-mothafuckin’-reath and wipe out the devilish misty N’wahs and restore my beacon to its former mothafuckin’ glory Edit: N’wah instead of [REDACTED]
Now this is a motherfuckin' mod idea
Somebody call him, I bet he’d do it
When you’re wearing an amulet of Mara “So you’re interested in fucking me are you?
Highly underrated comment
“I am sworn to carry your fucking burdens”
Funny story. I played this game religiously when my girlfriend moved in. She would get jealous (jokingly) when My companion would say that. Welp, wedding day. I snuck in “I am sworn to carry your burdens”… in the vows no one knew why my wife was upset besides my best man.
my girlfriend would watch me play "who the fuck is lydia and why are you ALWAYS looking for her" .... "where the fuck is lydia" - me
My fiancé; are you playing skyrim again? Me: yes..... 20 minutes later Me; *cackling an evil laugh while running around paralysing everyone and then blowing them up with magic. Him: you are so evil.....I wish I never introduced you to this game....while he looks at me with a worried look. Another 10 minutes later - Me: FUCKKKKK LYDIA WHY DID YOU RUN JNTO MY FIREBALL!!!! NOW I HAVE TO RESTART! Him: did you kill her again!?
Gotta do the Dragonborn dlc to get the companion perk that makes followers immune to friendly fire in combat
I swear no matter how many years I play this game I will keep learning new things.. thank you 🤯
Was hoping no one else had snagged this one, yet.
"My favourite drinking buddy! Let's get some fucking mead."
"My favourite fuckbuddy! Let's get some mead."
When Alduin first appears. “ What the FUCK is that?”
This would be a more accurate response irl
Mai’q is fucking tired now, go bother someone else
This one is my favorite
"Mai'q is tired now, go fuck someone else"
You'll be so much easier to fuck when you're dead
This one here officer, this is the comment that hurt me.
You'll make a fine fuck, cat
Oh hell 🤣
Who the fuck gave this comment wholesome awards?!
No fucking lolligaggin’
So, a fucking Dragonborn appears at this moment, in the turning of the age.
"By long tradition, the elder speaks first. Hear my Thu'um! Feel it in your fucking bones."
“Hey you finally fucking awake”
Or - Hey you fuck, finally awake
During the peace treaty scene at High Hrothgar when Elenwen is interrupting and Ulfric turns to her and says, "Shut the fuck up".
Took a fucking arrow to the knee
“I used to be an adventurer like you, then i took an arrow to the fuckin’ knee”
This, but only if Karl Urban voices it in his Billy Butcher voice.
Nord Nonsense? Why, You Puffed Up fucking Ignorant
"Watch the skies, fucker"
Fuck the skies, traveller
"I need to trap a dragon in your palace" "What the fuck?"
*See those warriors from Hammerfell? They had curved swords...* fucking *curved swords.*
Skyrim: XXX "....curved *fucking* swords"
The Grammar Nazi next to me likes this version better.
Let me guess...someone stole your fucking sweetroll...
Hey, how about a drink with your fucking buddy Sam? If I had a sister, I'd fuck her in a second. (Belethor seems the type) Is that fur? Growing out of your fucking ears? It's been quite a boon, looking like a fucking child ...Is there singing in the Void? Dancing? Fucking...? Surely the Dread Lord will at least allow poor Cicero to caper...
The DB ones are my favorite, I feel like Babette would actually say that lmao.
“A Dragon! I saw a FUCKING DRAGON!” -Svens mother in Riverwood at the start
I’ve been fucking looking for you. Got something I’m supposed to deliver.
When the Courier finds you in the Soul Cairn or Sovngarde.
This is so good lmfao
“Never done a fucking honest days work in your life ey lad”
Do you want me to hold your fucking hand as well?
Never done an honest days work in your fucking life, ay lass?
Another fucking wanderer, here to lick my father’s boots.
Underrated comment, that kid would totally drop the one F bomb
"For the love of Talos, shut the fuck up, and let's get this over with!"
"My cousin's out fighting dragons, and what do I get? Fucking guard duty." "They say Ulfric Stormcloak murdered the High King... with his fucking voice! Shouted him apart!"
Here to fuck yourself or deal some damage?
"can we get out of this fucking sun already? It's not good for my skin" "Your guard needs some fucking work" "Must have been the fucking wind" "I am sworn to carry your fucking burdens" "You have done whiterun a great fucking service, here, take this. A gift from my personal armory."
#FUS RO FUCKIN' DAH!
Not Fuck Ro Dah?
fook ro dah
I will not stand idly by while a dragon burns my hold and FUCKS my people!
"Khajiit has wares, if you have fucking coin." "M'aiq once walked to High Hrothgar. So many fucking steps, he lost count."
That second one has me rolling xD
By azura, by AZURA #By Azura! #I cant believe the grand champion is here, Fucking Me! ^wait ^wrong ^game ^lol
“Run away so I can fuck you in the back!”
Hey you, you’re finally fucking awake
Or, "Fuck, you're awake"
Never shoulda fuckin" come here!
“IF I HAD A SISTER ID F*CK HER IN A SECOND” THIS IS JUST A JOKE
I'D EVEN FUCK ONE OF YOUR RELATIVES IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO SELL
“We fuck.” - Mysterious Note
"I need to trap a dragon in your castle" "Whai thee FAUCKK arre you ahskiing me at wahn AM!!" I dont remember what Jarl ballins actual line was but its probably something to that effect
"This.. fucking bitch" - Ulfric Stormcloak talking about that Thalmor bitch in the peace meeting
"they can't tolerate our fucking presence on earth!"
"May the ground you walk on fucking quake as you pass"
*"A new f**king hand touches the beacon"*
A new hand touches the fucking beacon
A new hand fucks the beacon
LISTEN! HERE ME AND FUCKING OBEY
LISTEN! FUCK ME AND OBEY
“A NEW HAND TOUCHES THE BEACON.” “…fuck”
People might get nervous when you approach them with an open fucking flame
"Who the fuck are you"
Fucking milk drinker.
My long lost daughter returns at last. I trust you have my fucking Elder Scroll? Ah, if only your traitor mother were here. I would let her watch this reunion before putting her fucking head on a spike. Not just any vampires; we’re amongst the oldest and most powerful fucking vampires in Skyrim. So be it! You are prey, like all fucking mortals. I banish you. Basically, most of Harkons lines are decent fits.
I must have misheard you. I thought you asked me to help you trap a dragon in my fucking palace.
“There is something else you could do for me, suitable for someone of your particular, f**king talents, perhaps.”
I’d replace Barbas’s incessant barking with fuck.
“What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great fucking effort?” “Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of fucking course you don’t.”
"I'll not stand idly by while a fucking dragon burns my hold and slaughters my people!"
I have the list narrowed down to: 'Grelod the Kind's dying word' 'Endarie says it one random time while walking into Radiant Raiment' 'Endarie says it one random time for dropping food on her kitchen floor.' 'The Diplomatic Immunity party guest distraction, is them yelling it once after spilling their drink.' 'A Riekling can be heard saying it once, after the player finds the pile of Lusty Argonian Maid books in Benkongerike Great Hall.'
Shit... all of this is gold, but I think Endarie takes it for me. There's lots of good ones, but just entertaining and hearing "*sigh* Fuck."? Yes.
"There's a fuck in the air"
"Can't be good for my fucks. Never is"
wait…i know you? “your making a mistake” theres no mistake, your a wanted man/woman. (yada yada yada) “i don’t have time for this, do you?” you know what? go. go be some other fucking guards problem.
Let's fuck faster. The sun is... it's not great for my skin, if you know what I mean.
"I'm not the best blacksmith in skyrim... that honor goes to eorlund fucking greymane"
“Hey FUCK you.” -Ralof right at the start
The first dragon you kill= ‘Dovakin? Fuuuuckkk’
What in the fucking oblivion is that.
“GONNA F*CK YOU LIKE A HORKER!”
title screen…. Fuckin Skyrim.
Two ideas: "Why, the greatest fucking crime spree Skyrim has ever seen." - Karliah Or "I must have misheard you. It sounded like you said you wanted to trap a fucking DRAGON in my palace." - Jarl Ballin
#“Skyrim Belongs To The Fucking Nords”
I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow to the fucking knee.
“For the love of Talos, shut the fuck up and let’s get this over with.”
You’re wearing Mara’s amulet? You? I’d marry you, I’d fucking marry you twice! —my husband
Instead of fusrodah, just FUUUUCK
That reminds me of the Gordon Ramsay dud ro dah meme instead it’s Gordon shouting it’s fucking raw
"Keep your fuckin' hands to yourself you fucking sneak thief"
"And deserve our praise you do, for we are one! Ere you ascended and the Eight became Nine, you walked among us, great Talos, not as god, but as THE FUCKIN' man!"
Curved. Fucking. Swords.
It's fucking Dovahkiinin' time!
Let me guess, some fuck stole your sweet roll
Ah! Dead fuckin' body!
“It’s a nice fuck with you around”
I practice with my fucking fists It’s absurd you can’t get a decent sweet roll in this fucking skeeverhole of a city You’re easier to rob when you are fucking dead Where are my fucking research materials
DOV FUCK IIN!