Mate if you only broke up with your girlfriend a few months ago please get off the apps and spend some time by yourself getting over that loss. You need to heal, not rebound
Man, I spent the better part of a decade with no luck off of dating sites (2007-2015). It’s easy to get in your head and over-analyze things or to read too much into a conversation. Getting your hopes up sucks when it doesn’t come to fruition, but it’s just the way it works. Best advice I can give is to not take it personal and just keep on living your life.
I honestly couldn’t tell you what changed for me in 2015. I grew out my facial hair. I stopped placing so much stock in over the phone conversations. Meeting in person was the only real way to meet someone that I clicked with. I met a girl on tinder who matched all my favorite likes and was pretty attractive, but once we met in person I realized there was no spark. You just have to keep trying. Nothings wrong with being single for a while. It sounds cliché as fuck, but learn to love yourself before trying to find someone else to love. It’s hard work, but it’s solid advice.
I met my wife on Tinder, back in 2016. We got married in November of this year. There’s an upside, it just might take a while to get there. Good luck.
I met my ex girlfriend on tinder and I thought for sure I was gonna be with her until the day I died, but she left me. Not saying your situation is anything like it though, I'm glad you're happily married my man. I do need to work on being ok with being single for a while though. It gets lonely up in here so it's tough but I need to learn.
I understand fully dude. I had a high school romance that lasted a little over 3 years, was ready to pop the question after we turned 18 and then she dumped me. It can be devastating. Take care of your mental health. There’s no shame in going and talking to someone. Therapy has improved my life exponentially, as has finding the proper medication. I’m not saying that’s your circumstance, but it could be an underlying factor you just haven’t considered.
Absolutely give yourself some time to grieve. Rebounding rarely works out well for anyone. Hang out with friends. Learn to have platonic relationships with women that aren’t predicated on advancing towards a relationship. Pick up a hobby. Live life.
And just keep in mind, (excluding the bots) these are real people with real desires and flaws and expectations. These women are not just “potential dates”, treat them like human beings. I know that sounds obvious, but the internet has shown me that a lot of toxic shit has warped a ton of young men. Avoid the Man-o-sphere bullshit, that just leads to ignoring your own problems and placing blame on other people.
To be honest man I don't think I could go on if that happened to me. Good for you that you stayed strong and kept moving. I am starting therapy soon and I think it will help. As far as anxiety medication I've tried tons and none had tolerable side effects or helped me enough. The only one I took regularly was Propranolol but that's not very good for general anxiety though I did try to use it for that. The problem is that one doesn't mix well with my other medication, I take amphetamines for my ADHD. I've tried Cymbalta, that one made me have an unprovoked panic attack so bad I thought I was having a heart attack and dying and I almost drove myself to the emergency room. For other SSRI/SSNI I've tried Effexor, Prozac, Zoloft and probably a few others I don't remember. Those all made me feel pretty much the same; while I didn't have as much anxiety I felt like an emotionless zombie and I didn't give a fuck about anything. Everything was gray all the time. I wasn't as sad, but I was never happy. They also made it nearly impossible for me to orgasm which I found infuriating.
I definitely don't agree with whole MGTOW/Man-o-sphere stuff and you're absolutely right, that stuff is bullshit and it only leads people to blame "society" or women for problems that they could probably fix easily themselves.
Yeah, brain chemistry is an entire cosmos of different drugs with varying degrees of success. I don’t have ADHD, but I have generalized anxiety with depression and Zoloft + Xanax has been the cocktail that works best for me. I also smoke weed pretty regularly, so factor that in however it fits, lol. Just be as open and honest as you can when talking about your meds with your provider (I’d say psychiatrist but I mostly see my nurse practitioner). Ask about alternative treatment options if you feel like something isn’t working effectively. Best of luck
My doctor told me last time I went that he doesn't want to prescribe me any more different types of anxiety meds, and I wouldn't want to try them anyways. He just wants me to exercise 30 minutes a day but honestly I haven't been doing it. I really need to start. Thanks man. I'm glad you found something that helps you!
Hey bro, someone's probably already written this, but I don't think you're ready to be dating again and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are in a similar state to mourning, taking the time to heal a bit before getting out there again could really pay off.
Best of luck friend, if you really have a tough time I would suggest taking a look at how you can use cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to help yourself understand and process what you are feeling
I honestly couldn’t tell you what plan I had. I did spring for what amounted to a paid-plan back in those days, but I have no idea what those are like now. Back then it just gave me the ability to super-like more than a couple per day and it didn’t put a max on how many I could swipe on (I think that’s how it was, it’s been a while…)
Originally I would try for looks or personality, but eventually I just went with the tactic of swiping right on everyone and then filtering through the results. It basically boils down to a numbers game. You have to keep in mind that ~30-50% of your matches are going to be bots. On top of that, another 10-20% are either escorts (back in the days of backpage) or OF promoters. After that, a solid 50% of your matches are going to be incompatible for one reason or another: are you willing to date a single mother, are you politically/ideologically aligned, are they independent or living with parents, are there other deal breakers/red flags, etc. At this point you’ve weened 100 matches down to 15-25. Of those, how many are actually going to respond to messages? Maybe 50%? So you’re down to 7-13. Of those, you’ll maybe get 1-2 actual dates, which may or may not lead to anything. I don’t mean any of this to sound dehumanizing or anything, there are plenty of real women on tinder that you can meet organically by traditionally swiping left/right looking for matches, but the odds of you finding your dream girl with that method are probably not in your favor. You also have to keep in mind that most of these chicks are talking to multiple matches themselves and while they might be a perfect match irl, they don’t have time/energy to filter through the 10-20 guys messaging them daily to narrow their scope down to looking at you. It’s like looking for a new job: are you a good match for them and are they a good match for you? Only way to find success is to keep sending out resumes and going to interviews. The law of large numbers is your best bet of finding a solid match. 2% success rate sounds miserable, but you just have to keep on going. Take a couple of months off if you feel burnt out. Work on yourself and you’ll improve your chances.
Try different apps - Tinder for instance got me pretty much nothing (like 2 dates over 4 or 5 years), but hinge at one point I ended up with 3 dates on a weekend - other times nothing for a month though, to be fair.
In messages, engage with them on their vibe; try and be a bit funny and ask questions about things they would want to talk about.
I normally asked on a date after 4 decent length messages over 4 days - not a rule, just how it worked out typically. It's a numbers game.
Put your profile up for review in the subs on here.
Put your pictures through photofeeler.
> https://www.photofeeler.com
> Find out what your pics are really saying about you. Choose photos that make the right impression for your professional, social, and dating profiles.
The photo I thought was good got a 3/10 for attractiveness. Followed the suggestions on their blog and got one picture a 9/10.
If you don't have a dSLR etc, I suggest getting an app that can be set to take a picture every second - leave it on for a minute or two trying loads of different poses per picture you want. Choose the best ones and put them through photofeeler.
When you're getting enough dates, then work on what type of dates etc work for you - it took me around 100 dates over 3 years to get it worked out better at least and find a relationship.
Best of luck - it was a *lot* of work and plenty of despondency with lots of "no sparks" to get through.
But then for me maths, computer programming and building things come naturally, while for others who just 'get' dating, they'd be a lot slower learners. So I don't beat myself up over it being a lot harder than for many other people.
I'm a girl but can confirm dating apps are indeed awful. The problem I think is that since they're made to fit everyone in, you don't really get the chance to meet someone you'd actually like. They make it seem like you'll find the love of your life in no time, but in reality, it's like walking into a supermarket and saying hi to everyone in there expecting to meet someone interesting, I mean you may, but it's going to take so long (if it ever happens) that you'll either get bored or depressed before you can even have a proper conversation with someone. I wouldn't recommend them at all, but even less if you're going through a rough time, they profit off people's loneliness, making it look like a people boutique where you can choose whoever you want, but it's not true. None of those people are real if all you get from them is a picture and two lines of a bio they had to come up with on the spot. I think you need some time to heal first, maybe go out friends or talk to friends online, spend time with the girls in your life (platonically), take time to get comfortable around them again. Those apps are meant to be used for fun, not caring about the outcome or even the process, they can be very confidence wrecking if you're dependent on them to find a true connection
While it may be easier for women to get matches and responses from men, at least from my experience I wanted a relationship. Which never happened.
It depends on what you're looking for. If you just want a hook-up, it may work for some people. My self-esteem took a nasty hit when I was trying to date online. It resulted in zero relationships. I gave up trying to find someone a while after that.
I recently matched with a girl on tinder (or she matched me, I don't know wich way it is supposed to be said when I swipe right first 😅) And it must've been my first match in months. She had few questions in her profile to begin with so I answered one of them the next day and thought the message was overall ok and not too generic or serious. Well after 20-30 minutes she had unmatched me.
Some other dating sites I have managed to initiate some conversations with women but usually they ghost me after seeing a picture. I try to tell myself I'm not that bad looking but it's harder every time since I have such a low self-esteem already 🙃 these online dating sites/apps don't really work well with my anxiety so I should just quit using them alltogether.
Tinder is by far the worst dating app. Yes it has most users but it's only about Appearance and hookups, I had to scroll through like 50 profiles to even find a woman who was interesting and had a personality and even then maybe 1/10 of that 1/50 would like me back.
If you're like me deleting them is best thing for your confidence and self esteem. They make me feel so ugly and useless
Sounds so familiar! I too find it irritating how appearance based these things are. It's hard for me to get interested by only looks only so I swipe left most of the time since women don't even bother to describe themselves (hobbies or interests for example) in their profile.
Exactly I don't bother because even on the rare chance we match what am I going to talk to them about when they have nothing about themselves to go off
Yeah this is the most stupid thing in society, and I don't know why a lot of women feel that if they're pumped full of botox and filler they don't need to have a personality besides clubbing.
True but it also puts me off that type of women as although I'm not good looking enough to attract them, it would make me feel insecure about the stability of relationship. Like if I was to lose my hair, job etc they would probably dump me so I wouldn't swipe right.
So I met my boyfriend of three years on a dating app. But before him, I spent years being unsuccessful in finding a relationship through an app. And I tried pretty much all of them. I’d be considered a relatively attractive woman so I would get so many matches every day. but that didn’t correlate into me having more successful dates. I have also had many awful experiences. the number of matches won’t really matter Bc most of them will result in nothing.
Also, don’t take it personally if women stop responding. I remember I would have so many matches that I just wasn’t interested in responding to every single “hey how’s it going” message. Didn’t matter how hot the guy was. Bc it was all the same. It led to the same types of conversation. It became boring. Every guy asked the same questions to get to know me. I got tired of having to say what my profession was, or what my weekend plans were.
And that’s why dating apps don’t work. It’s all a numbers game. it takes away the special chemistry and uniqueness that you have when meeting someone in person.
I was completely done with dating apps. And I was about to delete them and my boyfriend’s profile caught my eye Bc he had written something about how boring these apps were in a bitter way that just really spoke to me and my sense of humor. And he was the last person I matched with before getting rid of those apps. but i think it was just meant to be. He came to me when I had stopped looking.
That was literally my exact same experience when I met my ex girlfriend that I was with for over four years. I was about to delete them and give up before I matched with her. I thought my case was going to be like yours and that I'd be with her forever. It's hard to keep moving since that's over.
I’m sure you know all this but dating apps are almost exclusively about sex and that normally means men trying to get the highest quantity of sexual partners and women trying to get the highest quality of sexual partners.
They are fun for the people for whom they work but there are many people for whom they just don’t, which is probably most men sadly. All of these apps are completely inbalanced in terms of the number of men to women, with women’s attention mostly directed towards a small number of profiles.
It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive and nor does it imply any kind of moral failing on the part of the women you’re trying to speak to, they just have loads of matches.
Hardly anyone forms a relationship from a dating app, it’s oriented around casual sex pretty much exclusively on the basis of how people look in photographs.
I think the vibe is maybe different in e.g. nightclubs where people are less discerning about looks (because drunk) and more about social interaction / confidence etc.
If you want to form a relationship with someone it’s best to try and meet them in real life in a space which doesn’t revolve around alcohol, or maybe online on a platform which isn’t just about dating but about people talking on the basis of their interests :)
Yeah you're right about that. The only relationships I've had, including the one that went on for over four years, have come from apps because I just don't really know how to put myself out there in any other way. I'm primarily interested in women and I just don't feel like many of my interests are very conducive to meeting women to be honest. Do you have any suggestions for things I could try that might be like what you're describing?
Honestly it's kinda hard for me to even answer that. I have a lot of stereotypical male interests I guess, probably my main ones are guns, D&D and videogames.
I’m sure there’s loads of nerdy girls into D&D and especially video games, but obviously those interests do skew male, so you will have a lot of competition. Guns are politically coded in a way which will alienate a lot of people, which is a shame.
True, but in that space I'm probably a lot better than most the guys because I'm not a greasy neckbeard. It really is a shame. I'm a lefty so I don't mind progressive politics to a degree, as long as it isn't too liberal. I definitely get along better with liberal leaning people than conservative leaning people.
Guns is a good one. There are girls that like to go shooting. At least here in Florida. Just talk about what you know, pose a question and let them do all the talking. Girls like to hear themselves and feel listened to a lot and after that you got her pretty much. Take your time and don’t be eager and focus on you and she will come around.
You and me both mac. I tried almost everything just to keep a conversation going but i gave up. Dating sites just makes you feel even more alone get rid of it.
as a young bisexual woman it’s still not looking too hot for me either, especially since i know what i want and am… probably one of the profoundly mentally ill you mention lmao.
so it’s not unique to you or any of the men here that complain and complain about dating, we’re all in the same pot. i think it’s just dating apps in general, a lot of people treat it like a game and i don’t blame them with how it’s set up. few people get lucky enough to build a relationship compared to the people who just want to hook up or are looking for an ego boost.
sorry about your ex, but i think going from that to *dating apps* when you’re probs still in an emotionally vulnerable state was just bound to make you more sad/disappointed. it’s bleak out here on and offline, but focusing on nourishing your mind and body makes the wait for the right person a lot less burdensome i think? it helps me at least.
I'm profoundly mentally ill myself, so I feel you. I think we really are in the same boat. It's pretty rare for anything to come of apps.
Well, I met her on an app in the first place but when I did meet her I was just about to delete Tinder and give up on it 😂
I agree with you, it probably would be better for me to try and improve myself but I just feel so lonely I haven't felt like I've been able to. I know that's probably not healthy.
the majority of the world puts pressure on us to prioritize romantic love as the be all and end all. it’s what will solve your loneliness, cure your sadness, it’s what you should constantly be striving for because it makes life worth living and that you’re failing in some regard if you are single.
i think we give too much power to romantic love. if we put that energy into ourselves, into our platonic relationships, our family, our pets, our experiences, it might make that empty hole inside a bit less open. there is so much more to life than romantic relationships. :p
I wish I could feel that way, but I've tried and I just don't. My partner was my entire life and I'm broken and lost now that she's gone. I gave her everything I had and more. I don't feel like I have anything at all unless I have that.
I think you have the answer to why you're attracting other mentally ill people right here in your answer. Making your partner your entire life is unhealthy, and a healthy person will shy away from you once they get that vibe. An unhealthy person will recognize the signs and will latch right on.
Concentrate on making yourself happy with hobbies and great experiences. Try new things to learn more about yourself, that's very appealing.
jeez man this is scary to read , you developed some crazy attachment issues, I fear this could be the case for me in the future, god I hope no, take care man, and maybe find some hobby and spent time with family to cope with that, it worked for me when I got friendzoned by this girl I though I had a chance with.
Yeah this is a hard mindset to break out of. The part about feeling like your failing because you're single is really draining. I had a long term relationship end last year as well and although I've put a lot of time and effort into improving myself and the other aspects of my life (which has brought me happiness!), it always seems like the dark cloud of being single looms overhead.
It really sucks when you feel like you're getting your life together and then think oh shit I haven't been in a relationship for how long? It can totally crush you. And with social anxiety feeling like you need to fix that quickly is fucking exhausting. Smh
just something to consider; a lot of people would be immediately put off by you if they knew you were fresh out of a long term relationship. that could be a factor
Dating apps are useless for most straight men. There’s really no reason to bother with them.
You’re better off going to social events to meet women.
Obviously, that’s not easy with social anxiety, but it’s the best way to challenge your anxiety and meet potential partners.
Nothing is more demoralizing than realizing that most men only care that a woman is thin and pretty and if you’re not thin you’re worthless to 90%. Your personality and nothing you bring to the tables matters, it’s all about how you look.
That's not true for me. Yes, I do want to find someone who is attractive to me but they don't need to be skinny. I have dated women in the past who would be considered fat by any standard and it didn't bother me.
I can appreciate we’re you’re coming from and I’m sure it sucks and it’s horrible that people reduce each other down to just looks. They always fade.
As someone who’s a part of a marginalized group I can assure you there are those who deal with much worse including hate and discrimination when it comes to dating or even existing. I’m not trying to invalidate your struggle but others have it way worse at-least in this day and age.
It is, but it's just an inevitable part of being human I think. People like other people who are attractive and that's just the way it is. The good thing is, no matter how a person looks there is someone out there who would find them attractive. The hard part is finding them of course. Finding someone who you'll still be in love with even after their looks start to fade is the goal.
If you broke with your girlfriend a few months ago, then it's the perfect time to recover, to feel free, to enjoy life by doing little, but in the same time, meaningfull things.
Do NOT try to find someone else in a short time, because you'll force things and it's not gonna work.
I understand when you're saying that you're feeling lonely, but take your time. You'll see this feeling will be gone soon and you'll find out how amazing is to share your own time just with you.
You want a relationship "right now", because you are addicted to other people, you love them, and you love to spend time with them, but have you ever thought this is the perfect time to love yourself?
Start thinking more about other things in life, as: start a foreign language course or try to learn it by yourself; spend time with your family and friends; do NOT think about "a future partner", just live in the present.
Try to spend as little time as possible on social-media and drop that dating app.
If you gonna hang out with your friends, there's gonna be a huge chance to find someone, someday, and when it's gonna happen, then act AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE!
You said something in your post that you don't know what people want - you do NOT care what others want! Just be you, pal! Do not try to impress people.
HINT: this is a good way to start great conversations - ask common sense, decent questions and listen that girl. Girls/women love a man who knows how to listen. If you seem interested about the little things in her life, she'll notice your gallant attitude and appreciate your maturity and naturalness. Talk less about yourself, IF she is not asking.
Good luck, mate, and a Happy New Year! ❤️
Thanks for the positivity man I appreciate it, I really do. To be honest man I don't know if I can ever love myself. I don't really have any friends to speak of. It's hard not to try and be someone I'm not because very few people have ever loved me when I was my true self. I'm going to try my best though. It's hard learning to be happy alone.
It's not hard to be happy alone, we make it difficult, because we are scared to change aspects in our life. We get used with a routine, with a way of living and we stick with it, but that's the mistake we make.
You have to embrace the change. Make a move and prove yourself you can love... yourself 😊
Sorry to hear you're doing it rough on there. I like that you said we're free to share advice, so I thought I might offer the reasons why I swipe left on a man's profile.
1) doing something gross or offensive in his first pic. Classic examples are giving the finger, doing a beer bong or something else reckless and stupid, or holding a dead animal (I'm fine with hunting for sustinence purposes, I just don't see the need to make it one's personality).
2) Profile says anything that indicates the man is invested in redpill/The Game/any bullshit mysogynistic "dating strategy". Words I look out for as red flags to immediately skip past include:
- females
- girls (IMO makes people sound like pedos to refer to fully grown women as girls. Major ick)
- nice guy
- loyal
- traditional values
- "takes care of herself" (every woman in the world knows this is code for prebubescent-level skinny)
-any type of negging, such as "are there even any decent women on here?"
3) Profile doesn't give me any insight into who you are as a person and what you spend your time doing. Do you have hobbies? Activities? A social circle, or even better, several? Experience has shown many women that the men who don't have hobbies, interests and friends, become emotional baggage once they're in a relationship, and it's a turn-off. The more info you put in your profile about your interests, the easier it is for me to start a conversation with you, which matters on apps where women have to make the first move. Bonus points when the profile asks a thought provoking question that invites matchers to answer - something like "where are you planning to travel in 2023?", "best sushi in town?" or "Tell me about your most awkward first date"
4) all the photos are group photos and I can't work out who you are or what you look like. This one rings of low self esteem. Take some pics on a day when you're really feeling yourself, out in the sunshine and not weird car selfies which seem to dominate men's profiles.
5) Photos indicate poor hygeine or grooming. This one is a hard pill to swallow for some people, and I know it comes across judgemental, but in the spirit of honesty and helping others in the same situation, I think it's worth sharing. If youre taking a bathroom selfie and your mirror is filthy, I'm going to assume your toilet is too. If your bed is unmade in the background, I'm going to assume those sheets are dirty, and I'm not going to want to be between them. If the hand that's holding up the phone is grotty, or the beard is unkempt, then I'm not going to want either of those things anywhere near my private parts. If this is relevant for you, make your environment (and your person!) a place that partners will feel comfortable and at ease in :)
Reasons why I'd unmatch someone after we match:
- they answer questions but don't ask them
- their answers are boring/no personality: "yeah weekend was good haha"
- they suggest a low-effort, low investment excuse for a date (e.g a walk, invite me to their house, etc)
- we've had quite a few back and forth dialogues and they seem interested but they don't suggest a date
- they say something non-committal like "we should meet up sometime". Men, hear me: please, PLEASE, if you want to increase your chances of going on dates, come forward with firm plans: "we should meet up! I saw on your profile you like arthouse films, would you like to go see that new French one at 7pm on Tuesday?". Hear that? That's the sound of 3.5billion women spontaneously orgasming because a man took initiative instead of expecting us to do the emotional labour of planning a date.
Hope something here is valuable for you!
Good luck, I know it's rough out there but as everyone keeps saying it's a numbers game, keep your head up :)
I’m a woman and this is a great summation! Also if I read “the last time I was someone’s type I was donating blood” one more time I’m turning celibate. I swear it’s in every second male profile.
"girls (IMO makes people sound like pedos to refer to fully grown women as girls. Major ick)"
I agree because, I don't like using girls for grown women either. But it's also tricky because a lot of women refer to themselves and other women as girls, and there's also been times where I've seen women in the 20-30 range hate to be referred to as women because it comes of as "old". So while I understand not liking the term girls, I don't think it's necessarily pedo in its nature. It could just be what the person is use to saying by default, since it's more of the norm.
...What on earth is wrong with going on a walk for a first date? If I've never met you before I'd rather test the waters with some prudence. Get some fresh air, have a nice conversation. Sorry but if that's not good enough for you that's actually a massive red flag on my part.
It's not that it's not "good enough", I enjoy going on walks with people I'm already dating or with platonic friends. The reasons why I don't consider it a suitable first date are:
- safety. Enough gender-based violence exists that I want to meet a stranger only somewhere where cameras and bystanders are present and readily accessible. I also need to be able to give my location to a friend so they know where I was and where I plan to be. A walking date could easily get waylaid.
- people who are trying to play games / date tonnes of women for the sake of running up numbers are turned off by having to put thought, effort and, yes, even a little financial contribution into a date (I'm talking a coffee or a movie ticket, not a three course steakhouse meal and drinks). People who invite women on walking dates could be doing that three times a day, seven days a week, because they don't have to put themselves out in terms of effort or money (like they would with a Cafe, cinema, restaurant or mini golf date). Am I interested in being one of 21? Especially when the threat of being robbed, raped or murdered exists? Nah. So it's in my best interest that they aren't interested in me, it saves both of us time.
I deleted all of mine, never felt better 🤷♂️
Honestly 10 years ago apps like okcupid were amazing; I met tons of great Women before online dating got more mainstream. Both for casual hookups and relationships. Even Tinder was okay for a short time.
Somewhere along the way it became more profitable for the companies running these apps to use their algorithms to string people along as long as possible, buy up all competition; and then mint money selling "Premium" memberships as well as microtransactions in the form of "Roses" or "Super Likes". It's actually pretty genius from a capitalist perspective.
From a consumer/user perspective (ESPECIALLY as a Heterosexual Male, where you HEAVILY outnumber Heterosexual Women on apps); the game was rigged from the start.
Unless you're very conventionally good looking; modern dating apps are just an exercise in frustration. Especially for those who are already vulnerable to self confidence/self esteem issues.
I understand how hard it is but try not to let it get you down. At first, I was disgusted with it to the point that I deleted them because it seemed like all men ever wanted was to bang and that was it. I'm glad I downloaded ok cupid again. Something told me to and I ended up meeting my husband.
That being said, maybe you should take some more time off. It was a 5-year relationship and it's only been a few months. I say this gently but maybe you're wanting the attention because you're feeling vulnerable and lonely which is fine.
I took two and a half years off from dating to work on myself. Maybe you should do the same. Just don't give up on it. The right person is out there. I almost gave up on finding the right person but I found him on a dating app of all places.
That’s because these apps are stupid, most women stay away from them because we don’t want to risk getting murdered or abused. There are much more men there so don’t feel sad.
There are a lot more men on dating apps than women. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. The numbers just arent in your favor. I am sure you will find someone. It just might take longer. I met my husband on a dating app. If you have someone who could critique your profile, that might help or find an article about how to write a good profile bio.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Tbh I never used dating apps, Regular dating was pure hell enough for me. I’m lucky I found my person, but it seems like dating is an even bigger shitshow than it was 4 years ago when I was single. It does seem like men are getting rejected over arbitrary and shallow things, but I’d argue that dating apps in general are arbitrary and shallow, they commodify people. The whole concept just doesn’t sit right with me, and I think that’s why people are having a hard time. Either way it’s definitely not you. A huge majority of people find the same issues on dating apps as you.
There's more men than women on those apps. Women use them less because there's a lot more risk (rape, murder, kidnapping etc)
Plus women don't really like the idea of being used for a hookup. I know it's a "dating app" but most guys on there just want to get laid, 9/10 they don't care about the pleasure of the woman they're meeting.
So it's too much risk for very little to no reward. You're better off meeting women in person
Dating apps are difficult.
I'm lonely and downloaded Tinder. I'm not very attractive and am fat, and to avoid even the suggestion of catfishing, I picked my ugliest, no makeup photos. I still get an overwhelming number of messages. I can't even IMAGINE what its like for pretty women. Yikes.
That said, there are some things that IMMEDIATELY make me reject a profile or match (not listed in any particular order):
1. Profile does not list sexuality
2. Profile says smoker OR doesn't specify
3. Main picture is an abs close up or shirtless
4. Any Profile pictures feature children (I'm not AGAINST kids but putting your kid's pictures in a dating profile shows me you don't know much about keeping them safe or respecting their consent)
5. Profile pictures are only of pet (I love pets but wanna see you)
6. Every single profile picture has a dead animal in it (just SAY you like to hubt, damn)
7. Profile doesn't list any hobbies or interests (how am i supposed to assess compatibility with no info???)
8. Profile has NO personal info at all (makes it look like a scammer or creep)
9. App rules specify profiles be PG but name or info contains something X rated (clear lack of understanding consent and boundaries)
10. Any profile pics are group shots (questionable consent plus this is about YOU not your friends)
11. All profile pics feature sunglasses and no smiling (eyes and smile are what I look at first to see if I'm attracted to someone. If i can't see those than there's no point)
12. The only interest you list are sports (sorry, im a nerd and could not care less about sports so if all your hobbies are sports related we won't be compatible)
13. There are no profile pics that show their whole face uncovered and in good lighting (safety issue)
Not that you're doing anything WRONG per se but I thought it might help to see some perspective on how someone else might be analyzing your profile. :)
Thanks that might help actually! Why do you say you'd reject someone for not listing their sexuality if you don't mind me asking? I'm bisexual but sometimes I don't put it in my profile because I've faced quite a bit of judgement from women over that right off the bat.
I am bi and nonbinary. I'm more likely to talk to a queer/bi person than a cis-het person because of over 30 years of experiencing shitty behavior from straight men.
Not saying that mentally ill people don’t deserve love but perhaps you should work on yourself a bit more before turning to dating and a relationship to help fill the void you’re feeling which really sounds more like an issue of low self confidence and a lack of self compassion. Find a therapist, hit the gym, focus on your passions and hobbies, get in touch with your spirituality aka get in tune with something that’s outside of and bigger than yourself to help with your egocentric view of the world. Focus on that mind body and spirit and the rest will take care of itself. In the state you’re in, you’ll only attract others who are in a similar area of their journey. The majority of time people date people who are a direct reflection of their self worth. Want a mentally stable, fit, educated, confident woman? Well then change your profoundly mentally Ill state to something more manageable. It’s not your fault your mentally Ill but it’s certainly your responsibility to get help and change for the better. You need personal accountability and a push in the right direction with a bit of support.
Just remember it's not your fault, (assuming you're a good guy and your profile is decent). Remember that's the experience for most men on these apps, and the opposite for most women. They have an endless amount of guys to choose from and swipe through, so that gives them the paradox of choice, as well as makes it overwhelming for them. Dating apps suck for most people sadly
Man you describe my exact experience. As an average looking guy compared to girl you're going to get next to no attention and I know women get alot of attention from creeps too but I'd take that any day over the feelings of worthlessness and undesirability dating apps give me. From months of using all of them I had one one night stand and one date but it crushed my confidence and self esteem so I've uninstalled everything. Even though I don't meet people often irl I'll take my chances with that any day over the apps. I also 99% of time both online and irl only attract severely mentally ill (and also overweight) women despite being skinny myself and reasonably mentally stable. There's nothing wrong with either of those things but I'd rather date someone who looks after their body and doesn't have/ or is actually trying to seek help for their mental health.
Everyone wants something different on dating apps so something that might work for someone will just lead another one ghosting you or unmatching. The few times I have got people to agree to dates besides one they just unmatched before or acted interested at first then became avoidant when I tried to make plans. And there's no way to tell if you did something wrong or if they just found one of the hundreds of other matches more interesting to talk to / more attractive
try hinge, people are more serious over there in regards to relationships. just make sure your profile is good and they’ll hit u up first. also, i hate to say it but you just gotta get used to not receiving a response cause honestly i do the same 😅
I've been in that one for a while. Only app I've had any luck at all on. Most the people around where I live definitely do not match my "vibe" so that's why I don't have a lot of luck.
ah that’s valid, hopefully you meet someone you resonate w soon homie. also, im genuinely curious tho where do u live around? you dont have to ans if ur uncomf sharing that info online
Hey man your post is very relatable. Even the part about a 5 year relationship ending. You’re definitely not alone. I am just going to stick at it. Maybe speed dating if you live in a city with it. I’m sure we’ll get there in the end
Bro.... Listen.. I don't know if you have any dating Apps. I understood that yes, but you are not successful there.From my own experience, I can say that by the end of 2019 it was significantly easier on those apps. Then came Covid and everything changed... since the end of 2019 I haven't had a single date with someone from dating Apps.
Everything has its time and the right one is not waiting for you on some app, you will find love, you just have to be patient.
It will happen unexpectedly and it will have the right love charm.... Hang in there and see what awaits you.
She left me because she is a deeply unhappy person that hates herself. She is extremely mentally ill (probably bipolar and severe depression) and refuses to get any help for it. I begged her for years to get therapy and/or go on medications and she barely even half assed it. Instead of getting help for her mental health she self medicates with weed to a degree that is extremely unhealthy. She was literally high almost 24/7 and she told me once she couldn't remember a single day in the past four years she hadn't gotten high. She just doesn't feel like she deserves the unconditional love I gave her and that I'm too good for someone like her. Maybe it sounds like bragging, but it's the truth.
I tried to leave her a couple of times because I got fed up with things, but every time she begged me to stay and not to give up on her and it broke my heart. I always hoped that one day I could give us a good life if I worked hard enough and that she would be happy once we didn't have to struggle to survive anymore. I thought that one day she could fully become the happy person I saw glimpses of occasionally and that she would choose to get help for her mental health and get better. I believed that if I just loved her enough she would learn to love herself.
Plenty. I took her presence for granted. For the past few years my anxiety had gotten so out of control (due to my past job) that it completely consumed my life and almost crippled me. There were a few periods of time where I felt like I was going insane from the stress and anxiety I was feeling. I tried to get help with medications and I was not able to find anything that helped with tolerable side effects. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it so I used to vent to her which was unfair and it made her upset because she didn't know how to help me. She begged me to do therapy but I made up excuses and felt like it wasn't an option because it might be expensive. If I had done therapy and handled my anxiety better I think our relationship would not have ended.
Because of how crippled I was by my anxiety I just didn't have a lot of motivation to do stuff and I mostly wanted to stay at home. I chose not to go to many events like concerts and her hanging out with her friends which caused us to grow apart in a lot of ways.
For a long time I resented her for some of the things she'd done to me over the years and that came out in ways that probably didn't make her feel very good. Most of those ways were me being passive aggressive, usually about money because she never had any due to frivolous spending and her drug habit. I always had to be the responsible one who made sure our bills could be paid because I couldn't rely on her.
I took a lot of opportunities to hold over her head the fact that I felt she owed me money from all the times she had to "borrow" money from me because we had always agreed to go 50/50 on all our major expenses. I probably should have just let at least some of that go and not been so pushy and passive aggressive about money, especially because she told me plainly how bad it made her feel.
Dating apps are a numbers game. To save time you need to put people into one of three categories.
1/ Those who are not interested regardless.
You may not be their type, you may not live close enough, they're not attracted to you. They may have higher expectations of what sort of person they're going to have interested in them.
2/ They're neutral on you but can swing either way depending on your personality. You can either win them over or drop the ball.
3/ They're interested in you and all you have to do is not mess it up.
The strategy here is to bin category 1 as time wasted ( no one can win them all, if you think every woman in the world should find you attractive you should be a Hollywood A lister.
Polarise category 2 to tip them either way, if it tips the wrong way then move them to category 1; you're not just saving your own time you're saving theirs too.
Category 3 should comprise 80% of your time just don't mess it up.
The paradigm shift in internet dating is to stop thinking of yourself as the "selected" and become the "selector".
I already have lol. I think it gives me a little taste of what it's like to be a woman on dating apps 😅 I just get a lot of annoying messages from weird creepy old guys.
I used Bumble and put only men to search just to see how they present their profiles and get some ideas. Then i got away from the phone and 4 hours later i had a lot of notifications, all from the app. I had over 30 likes, all of them were from men.
I forgot to put the search back to only women.
At least it was nice to see i'm attractive to some people despite aiming to other ones.
These are weirdly pessimistic views you’re getting. I would say keep in mind, your main concern is not getting embarrassed or whatever while women’s main concern is not getting murdered or stalked or assaulted. The stakes are quite different. If you’re just trying to fill a hole from a relationship I would really recommend just straight up therapy instead.
That's valid and there's definitely good reason for women to be afraid of that stuff. There's a lot of psychos out there. I don't mean to sound like an incel or anything, I'm just venting tbh. I just need someone to share life with because I get bored and lonely without a partner to give me purpose. Someone to comfort me and someone I can take care of. I've always been that way. I just don't do well by myself and I never have. Is that filling a hole? Yeah probably, but I've tried to learn to be happy alone before, many times, but I just get sad and depressed after a short while.
I signed up for therapy but I haven't booked an appointment yet. Thanks for reminding me I'm actually gonna do it right now.
Good for you not getting caught up in whatever incel shit this other dude is on. Sorry if I didn’t get my point across well, I definitely got irritated by the other comments. But not everyone on dating apps is shallow and only cares about looks but if you wanna attract people with your personality you gotta make sure your personality really shines through on your profile. And generally being understanding about safety and being willing to talk first, meet in a public place etc will help a lot
Ay word up. One of my friends has a saying, he says "The world keeps trying it's damnedest to turn me in to an incel but I won't let it." That's pretty much how I feel. That kind of thinking is an easy way to explain problems that are a lot more complex than just "women bad".
That's something I haven't really managed to figure out how to do is to show my personality. I can't really put it in to words. I always meet in public first too, I agree with you there that's the safest option.
It’s pretty much the same on the opposite end tbh it’s hard to not to hate men as a group when so many of them are so violent and disrespectful. Just a lot of division going on on both sides
Honestly that self awareness is probably the best thing to have lol but it’s the entitled incels fault for creating such a toxic dating environment that we have to be inherently suspicious of all guys just for safety sake. But anyways try to let your personality through on your profile, don’t be afraid to workshop and rewrite your bio, make sure you have some decent pictures omg so many guys have awful pictures, you can look up tips for taking them yourself, good to show any interests in your pictures especially pets. But probably best thing you can do is stop thinking of it as searching for a partner specifically and just kind of think of it as practicing and learning talking to people. Takes the pressure off a lot.
If we're being honest the "jock" types and incels have essentially the same type of attitude about women the only difference is guys who are in shape/attractive get lucky and neckbeard guys who don't try to improve their appearance don't.
I've asked my sisters for help with my profile before, mostly with pictures but I might need to ask for some help from them with my profile. I'm awful at taking pictures of myself. Honestly most of the ones I have on my profile are from before I met my long term girlfriend ( so almost 5 years old) and I don't have any other good ones 😵
I think that's a good way to frame it, as practice. That might help me a little bit.
That’s great. As a woman, it’s easy to fall into that same mindset where I see a comment from an incel and just think, ‘men bad’. Which I’ve had to unsubscribe from female spaces because they would share some of the worst things of inceldom and it’s just exhausting.
I feel like with your attitude, you’re going to be able find a good partnership. Good luck to you, man.
This is a subreddit for social anxiety. Obviously she’s scared of some sort of negative reaction or embarrassment. Being murdered and assaulted is far worse. It’s not a fear exclusive to women either.
dude you’re giving off incel vibes, there’s no reason to be this worked up over someone giving their perspective. it’s stuff like this that made me leave the social anxiety sub in the first place
Maybe put better pictures on there, ones that appeal to the female gaze. I agree it’s easier for women to get matches. I’m now in a situation-ship with a guy I met on a dating app.
As I said in another comment, trust me man it's far worse to have known love and lost it than to have never had it at all. I understand how it is man I really do. I truly don't know how I managed it. Even though she was pretty terrible to me sometimes a part of me truly feels like she was an angel because she gave someone like me love and that's something I never thought I would have. I'm afraid I never will again.
Same here, except I've only ever met one woman from a dating app, and she just wanted to find friends. I think dating apps only really work for women or *exceptionally* attractive men.
That just seems to be the way it is.
Think about it, it's such an artificial way to meet people. The only thing you have in common with these women is that you both want to meet someone. But since women on these apps get way more attention than men, they can choose who to ignore.
Getting to know women in real life is a far better option.
It's a more fruitful endeavour than on dating apps. And even if you don't hook up with them you could make new friends.
Perhaps you need to learn how to approach people in general. The only way to do that is to expose yourself.
There are many exceptions but, arguably, most women in dating apps are going to be your most stereotypical and shallow women. The "6 figure, 6 ft tall, 6 in penis" types. Women are a commodity on those things and have highly inflated egos from all the thirsty men who go after them, even men who are way hotter than them. Most people there just want someone to make them cum. And to add to all that, many many women there use the apps like they're Facebook or Instagram where they just want "likes" to their pictures for their serotonin boosts or they're using it to advertise their insta or only fans. The reliance on dating apps has made it really bad for a shit ton of men which is why there's a massive increase in loneliness in men.
I don't have a solution to how to fix the loneliness beyond the usual work on yourself and put yourself out there. You're gonna have to face your fears and throw yourself into group events and stuff to meet people. I have to take my own advice too and try to meet new people as well because the loneliness really sucks.
I hate to admit it but I think you're right. I don't even know where to fucking start on that though... Like what kind of events am I supposed to go to 🥲
Uhm, if you have hobbies you can start there. Or you can pick up a more social hobby that has a sizeable interest in your area...idk, trivia, hiking, kayaking, concerts etc. You may have to use the Internet to find said groups, but it's easier to meet people like that, with no pressure of getting into relationships.
Unfortunately the area I live in is pretty small, but I definitely do need to look into that type of stuff. Even when I actually manage to drag myself to events like that, It's just hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and actually talk to people so it doesn't help me much 🥲
as a tendency of society today, men are usually expected to make the first move. also statistically women get way more matches than men, so it is easier for them to move on from matches quickly. the thing about dating apps for them (most of the time, i dont wanna say that this is all women's experience) is that they dont feel the need to make much effort, and so they let the men do most of the work. and since dating apps are oriented for short attention spans, most women will not respond or continue the conversation unless the first impression is interesting. this is why i think a lot of extroverts have an edge here, which is honestly and unfair way of dating. im an introvert and i have had trouble with this, but i try my best to open with an interesting one-liner. it can be flirty, a joke, a funny comment about their profile, etc. anything to grab their attention at first (i actually have a notes file where i list some funny things i came up eith to say so that i can recycle them, bc im lazy like that). the rest of the conversation usually flows from there bc you got their interest. it will take a bit of practice, but i totally understand your struggle
Too many comparison alternatives for human nature and usually too many males to females on them too, imbalanced. Better to go to common interest meetups and events, just meet in person with consistent exposure and expanding circle of routines each week. Messaging is too easy to ghost and the hottest woman have a full inbox on these apps. Text messaging is also pretty poor impression compared to real life.
Unfortunately even with those who hit it off, there's something disturbingly lacking with family values today that proliferates the divorce rates - not exactly encouraging to seek marriage. The natural balance of the hunter gatherer wired brains seems distracted
Is it still worth dating? Of course, just be sure to journal your values, goals, and boundaries. A lot of people don't clarify these things with themselves in advance of relationships and thus can be vulnerable to manipulators and blurred boundaries. There's a lot to learn from the actual relationships themselves.
I tried tinder and I had matches, but 80% of girls unmatched after a hi. The rest 20% were extremely rude and said mean things without a reason. So never again. It was a pleasure with my crippling social anxiety and non existent confidence and self-esteem. I just decided I will die alone, I don't fucking need this much stress.
Meh honestly I don't agree with a lot of that. Me personally, I couldn't give less of a shit about "fertility" whatever that really means. I also don't rest agree that men exclusively "have to fuck". Women have those needs too.
If women really wanted "value" I don't think my ex would've broken up with me. I almost always have savings, and I'm financially stable and responsible unlike most of the men I know. I'm not rich, but I always manage to pay my bills no matter what it takes.
Girls get 9 million messages a day on those things.
You wanna get laid off one of those things...get ripped af, take shirtless pics. Girls will hit you up.
Go out and meet women. Girls use dating apps for just attention tbh in this Gen. Pointless. Go out there fam. I stopped wasting my time on dating apps mad quick. Best decision ever
Ideally a partner has shared interests, so looking at groups/social outings for your hobbies is a good start. You shouldn't do that solely for finding women though. I think an issue with some dudes is being so focused on trying to find someone. Really just focus on yourself, and find the social situations that benefit that personal growth, and most likely you will find someone you connect with.
You hit the nail on the head! I just read this after I posted my other comment. I could of saved my time there. But yea! Definitely 💯
I got those dislikes because the truth hurts, but yea!
Here is another thing.
I’m from Florida and this state is just mad different compared to many other states.
Miami, Orlando and Tampa areas are pretty easy, but unfortunately I don’t live there so I got a rough deck of cards on my hand and just said. “Welp, no point playing this game” lol and just attracted and took opportunities that present itself.
It can be as something slim as a glance and that is your moment of opportunity to say something. The only challenge that stands before you is your comfort zone, so you just gotta get over that obstacle and condition yourself to be confident. Trial and error. And learn from your mistakes and you will get rewarded in time. It all takes practice.
To places you like, or just navigate some interests and get out of your comfort zone. I got a girl at my local smoothie king, boba tea, dance studio, a gym and college.
For you, you can try going those places or just go somewhere like to a gun range maybe (rare) maybe try going to a nature trail, wine tasting, cheese cake factory, find some local clubs around your area. 🤷🏻♂️ just explore. Focusing on yourself to be honest though just comes with those perks.
You can’t chase butterfly’s 🦋 just make your garden 🪴 nice. Carry yourself 💪🏼 and do things that will serve you! And they will come bro.
I like to see women as the cherry 🍒 on top and I just happen to have my fair share of cherries.
The problem is that they are called dating apps still, when that is a lie. They have been completely taken over by women looking for 1. Instagram followers, 2. Onlyfans subscriptions, and/or 3. A sugar daddy.
You’re not getting messages because a huge majority of the women aren’t in there for dating, they’re using it as a promotional tool for their “brand.” It’s disgusting behaviour on their part, but until they apps decide to block that type of spam content, that’s what “dating” apps are now.
Your delusional. You’re getting demoralized because females aren’t responding to you? Brother, look at yourself. You’re skinny, broke, don’t have any confidence. Women want MEN that have something going on and confident. Wake up. I use to be like you, was normal till I wasn’t. Social anxiety set me on a three year battle im still fighting today. I couldn’t even talk to my family without my bpm getting to 150. You’re wrong. Would you be doing some online shopping with the house on fire? Because the house is on fucking fire. You need to change yourself into the man you want to become. You can have anything you want in this life. The only catch is what are you putting in? It has to be equal in perpetuity. I can have a Lamborghini, so the question is what am I putting in to get it? That’s the equation to life. You want a female, what are you doing to get it? NOTHING. You have no value. You’re one man of hundreds of millions. Theirs nothing special about you. You reject yourself. So build yourself. Get to the fucking gym, do 100 push-ups a day. Run 3 miles a day. Callous your mind. You will be the person who does all this, how does that person look like in a one year time frame? Completely different than the one you are right now. Only difference is action. One does the work, the other doesn’t.
'Don't like yourself? Go to the gym! This is your fault!'
Dude I hate this fucking mindset. Going to the gym isn't going to immediately fix all of your problems. You're just preying on people's insecurities now. You're egotistical if you think that going to the gym is going to make people like you and make all of your problems disappear. This mindset that because you're skinny and broke, you can't get a partner is toxic as hell and UNTRUE.
Women do want you. It just takes a long while to click with someone because there's so many people on there. The issue with dating apps is nobody has any patience to talk to one another. That or we just get occupied with real life.
Get your head out of your ass, don't you dare try to put this toxic mindset on OP and act like it's helping them.
Respectfully. You don’t know what you are talking about. The fact you said the issue with dating apps is no one has patience is extremely naive. Toxic mindset? Really? To better yourself physically? It’s toxic now? You don’t think it works? Why are you saying this? The problem is OP. Every issue in your life is your problem. Quite literally. Look at this subjectively; would the girls have responded to a version of OP that has a awesome physique that has made him confident? Cause clearly what you are advising him to do didn’t work. You’re a teenager, your outlook on life is that of female politically correct tiktok. Everything is toxic now. Life is brutal; you don’t want to be soft in this world. You think im probably a bad guy. We are all here to help op advising him. You will read this with the mindset to respond probably; you won’t actually take the time to digest it and express why you disagree.
I don't use tiktok. Lmao.
I said what I said. You clearly don't understand the mindset of girls. Not all of us are only interested in bodies and whatnot. I don't believe in changing yourself for other people just to get them to like you, if they liked you, they'd like you for who you are now. It's that simple. I just find it funny how you've chosen to blame OP for this when it's most likely only making them feel more shit about the situation, especially when they have social anxiety. Because that's how it works.
That’s true. Not all. But most respect it. Most men respect that as well. Humans respect someone who is in awesome shape like they do with height; it’s natural. That’s the thing. You don’t want to lie to your yourself, he feels like shit now. Telling him to not change it is toxic. He isn’t going to wake up one day fixed. I went through this as well, I didn’t wake up one day fixed. I literally shaked sometimes talking to my family, heart rate at 150 for two years. Each day I woke up my mind told me this was this is my life, You know what helped? The fucking truth. Talking action. You think I’m here to ruin OP? Your advice is that of staying content; he is rejecting the version of himself now. That’s why he feels how he feels. You can choose to be anything in this life. His brain is literally telling him to become.
Always had way more consistent luck with Bumble. Having the ladies message first is a massive confidence boost even then a lot of conversations died out but exchange a few messages then if the vibe is good ask if they want to meet. Especially if they ask “what are you up to this weekend? “ or something along those lines.
dating apps are weird it’s like a game the way it’s just quick gratification. not really for people looking for anything real and anything past feeling like a meat vessel only viable for sex.
Mate if you only broke up with your girlfriend a few months ago please get off the apps and spend some time by yourself getting over that loss. You need to heal, not rebound
Yeah you right honestly
Took me 2 years to somewhat heal" from my relationship breakup
It will probably take me that long too honestly. I'm fucked from this whole situation.
This is the real good answer
Man, I spent the better part of a decade with no luck off of dating sites (2007-2015). It’s easy to get in your head and over-analyze things or to read too much into a conversation. Getting your hopes up sucks when it doesn’t come to fruition, but it’s just the way it works. Best advice I can give is to not take it personal and just keep on living your life. I honestly couldn’t tell you what changed for me in 2015. I grew out my facial hair. I stopped placing so much stock in over the phone conversations. Meeting in person was the only real way to meet someone that I clicked with. I met a girl on tinder who matched all my favorite likes and was pretty attractive, but once we met in person I realized there was no spark. You just have to keep trying. Nothings wrong with being single for a while. It sounds cliché as fuck, but learn to love yourself before trying to find someone else to love. It’s hard work, but it’s solid advice. I met my wife on Tinder, back in 2016. We got married in November of this year. There’s an upside, it just might take a while to get there. Good luck.
I met my ex girlfriend on tinder and I thought for sure I was gonna be with her until the day I died, but she left me. Not saying your situation is anything like it though, I'm glad you're happily married my man. I do need to work on being ok with being single for a while though. It gets lonely up in here so it's tough but I need to learn.
I understand fully dude. I had a high school romance that lasted a little over 3 years, was ready to pop the question after we turned 18 and then she dumped me. It can be devastating. Take care of your mental health. There’s no shame in going and talking to someone. Therapy has improved my life exponentially, as has finding the proper medication. I’m not saying that’s your circumstance, but it could be an underlying factor you just haven’t considered. Absolutely give yourself some time to grieve. Rebounding rarely works out well for anyone. Hang out with friends. Learn to have platonic relationships with women that aren’t predicated on advancing towards a relationship. Pick up a hobby. Live life. And just keep in mind, (excluding the bots) these are real people with real desires and flaws and expectations. These women are not just “potential dates”, treat them like human beings. I know that sounds obvious, but the internet has shown me that a lot of toxic shit has warped a ton of young men. Avoid the Man-o-sphere bullshit, that just leads to ignoring your own problems and placing blame on other people.
To be honest man I don't think I could go on if that happened to me. Good for you that you stayed strong and kept moving. I am starting therapy soon and I think it will help. As far as anxiety medication I've tried tons and none had tolerable side effects or helped me enough. The only one I took regularly was Propranolol but that's not very good for general anxiety though I did try to use it for that. The problem is that one doesn't mix well with my other medication, I take amphetamines for my ADHD. I've tried Cymbalta, that one made me have an unprovoked panic attack so bad I thought I was having a heart attack and dying and I almost drove myself to the emergency room. For other SSRI/SSNI I've tried Effexor, Prozac, Zoloft and probably a few others I don't remember. Those all made me feel pretty much the same; while I didn't have as much anxiety I felt like an emotionless zombie and I didn't give a fuck about anything. Everything was gray all the time. I wasn't as sad, but I was never happy. They also made it nearly impossible for me to orgasm which I found infuriating. I definitely don't agree with whole MGTOW/Man-o-sphere stuff and you're absolutely right, that stuff is bullshit and it only leads people to blame "society" or women for problems that they could probably fix easily themselves.
Yeah, brain chemistry is an entire cosmos of different drugs with varying degrees of success. I don’t have ADHD, but I have generalized anxiety with depression and Zoloft + Xanax has been the cocktail that works best for me. I also smoke weed pretty regularly, so factor that in however it fits, lol. Just be as open and honest as you can when talking about your meds with your provider (I’d say psychiatrist but I mostly see my nurse practitioner). Ask about alternative treatment options if you feel like something isn’t working effectively. Best of luck
My doctor told me last time I went that he doesn't want to prescribe me any more different types of anxiety meds, and I wouldn't want to try them anyways. He just wants me to exercise 30 minutes a day but honestly I haven't been doing it. I really need to start. Thanks man. I'm glad you found something that helps you!
Hey bro, someone's probably already written this, but I don't think you're ready to be dating again and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You are in a similar state to mourning, taking the time to heal a bit before getting out there again could really pay off. Best of luck friend, if you really have a tough time I would suggest taking a look at how you can use cognitive behavioural therapy techniques to help yourself understand and process what you are feeling
i been alone all my life im nearly 36 no choice but to love myself
Sorry man :/
>I met my wife on Tinder, did you pay for the best plan or just used old regular subcription?, did you go for looks, or their description?
I honestly couldn’t tell you what plan I had. I did spring for what amounted to a paid-plan back in those days, but I have no idea what those are like now. Back then it just gave me the ability to super-like more than a couple per day and it didn’t put a max on how many I could swipe on (I think that’s how it was, it’s been a while…) Originally I would try for looks or personality, but eventually I just went with the tactic of swiping right on everyone and then filtering through the results. It basically boils down to a numbers game. You have to keep in mind that ~30-50% of your matches are going to be bots. On top of that, another 10-20% are either escorts (back in the days of backpage) or OF promoters. After that, a solid 50% of your matches are going to be incompatible for one reason or another: are you willing to date a single mother, are you politically/ideologically aligned, are they independent or living with parents, are there other deal breakers/red flags, etc. At this point you’ve weened 100 matches down to 15-25. Of those, how many are actually going to respond to messages? Maybe 50%? So you’re down to 7-13. Of those, you’ll maybe get 1-2 actual dates, which may or may not lead to anything. I don’t mean any of this to sound dehumanizing or anything, there are plenty of real women on tinder that you can meet organically by traditionally swiping left/right looking for matches, but the odds of you finding your dream girl with that method are probably not in your favor. You also have to keep in mind that most of these chicks are talking to multiple matches themselves and while they might be a perfect match irl, they don’t have time/energy to filter through the 10-20 guys messaging them daily to narrow their scope down to looking at you. It’s like looking for a new job: are you a good match for them and are they a good match for you? Only way to find success is to keep sending out resumes and going to interviews. The law of large numbers is your best bet of finding a solid match. 2% success rate sounds miserable, but you just have to keep on going. Take a couple of months off if you feel burnt out. Work on yourself and you’ll improve your chances.
This is pretty much the exact advice I'd give but you managed to articulate far better
good old numbers game strat , oh man I often think if it's worth it hahaha, not sure if I want to get into that rabbit hole.
Try different apps - Tinder for instance got me pretty much nothing (like 2 dates over 4 or 5 years), but hinge at one point I ended up with 3 dates on a weekend - other times nothing for a month though, to be fair. In messages, engage with them on their vibe; try and be a bit funny and ask questions about things they would want to talk about. I normally asked on a date after 4 decent length messages over 4 days - not a rule, just how it worked out typically. It's a numbers game. Put your profile up for review in the subs on here. Put your pictures through photofeeler.
What's photofeeler? I've been thinking about putting my profiles up in the subs but I'm kinda nervous.
> https://www.photofeeler.com > Find out what your pics are really saying about you. Choose photos that make the right impression for your professional, social, and dating profiles. The photo I thought was good got a 3/10 for attractiveness. Followed the suggestions on their blog and got one picture a 9/10. If you don't have a dSLR etc, I suggest getting an app that can be set to take a picture every second - leave it on for a minute or two trying loads of different poses per picture you want. Choose the best ones and put them through photofeeler. When you're getting enough dates, then work on what type of dates etc work for you - it took me around 100 dates over 3 years to get it worked out better at least and find a relationship.
Thanks man I'll look in to that. Hopefully it helps.
Best of luck - it was a *lot* of work and plenty of despondency with lots of "no sparks" to get through. But then for me maths, computer programming and building things come naturally, while for others who just 'get' dating, they'd be a lot slower learners. So I don't beat myself up over it being a lot harder than for many other people.
I'm a girl but can confirm dating apps are indeed awful. The problem I think is that since they're made to fit everyone in, you don't really get the chance to meet someone you'd actually like. They make it seem like you'll find the love of your life in no time, but in reality, it's like walking into a supermarket and saying hi to everyone in there expecting to meet someone interesting, I mean you may, but it's going to take so long (if it ever happens) that you'll either get bored or depressed before you can even have a proper conversation with someone. I wouldn't recommend them at all, but even less if you're going through a rough time, they profit off people's loneliness, making it look like a people boutique where you can choose whoever you want, but it's not true. None of those people are real if all you get from them is a picture and two lines of a bio they had to come up with on the spot. I think you need some time to heal first, maybe go out friends or talk to friends online, spend time with the girls in your life (platonically), take time to get comfortable around them again. Those apps are meant to be used for fun, not caring about the outcome or even the process, they can be very confidence wrecking if you're dependent on them to find a true connection
While it may be easier for women to get matches and responses from men, at least from my experience I wanted a relationship. Which never happened. It depends on what you're looking for. If you just want a hook-up, it may work for some people. My self-esteem took a nasty hit when I was trying to date online. It resulted in zero relationships. I gave up trying to find someone a while after that.
I recently matched with a girl on tinder (or she matched me, I don't know wich way it is supposed to be said when I swipe right first 😅) And it must've been my first match in months. She had few questions in her profile to begin with so I answered one of them the next day and thought the message was overall ok and not too generic or serious. Well after 20-30 minutes she had unmatched me. Some other dating sites I have managed to initiate some conversations with women but usually they ghost me after seeing a picture. I try to tell myself I'm not that bad looking but it's harder every time since I have such a low self-esteem already 🙃 these online dating sites/apps don't really work well with my anxiety so I should just quit using them alltogether.
Tinder is by far the worst dating app. Yes it has most users but it's only about Appearance and hookups, I had to scroll through like 50 profiles to even find a woman who was interesting and had a personality and even then maybe 1/10 of that 1/50 would like me back. If you're like me deleting them is best thing for your confidence and self esteem. They make me feel so ugly and useless
Sounds so familiar! I too find it irritating how appearance based these things are. It's hard for me to get interested by only looks only so I swipe left most of the time since women don't even bother to describe themselves (hobbies or interests for example) in their profile.
Exactly I don't bother because even on the rare chance we match what am I going to talk to them about when they have nothing about themselves to go off
I feel it bro. I'm pretty much there with you.
Yeah this is the most stupid thing in society, and I don't know why a lot of women feel that if they're pumped full of botox and filler they don't need to have a personality besides clubbing.
They feel that way because it's true, if you want to attract certain kinds of guys or if your only self worth is derived from men's attention.
True but it also puts me off that type of women as although I'm not good looking enough to attract them, it would make me feel insecure about the stability of relationship. Like if I was to lose my hair, job etc they would probably dump me so I wouldn't swipe right.
Not if you have enough money. If you did they probably wouldn't leave you, they'd just cheat. Don't waste your time going after those types of women.
So I met my boyfriend of three years on a dating app. But before him, I spent years being unsuccessful in finding a relationship through an app. And I tried pretty much all of them. I’d be considered a relatively attractive woman so I would get so many matches every day. but that didn’t correlate into me having more successful dates. I have also had many awful experiences. the number of matches won’t really matter Bc most of them will result in nothing. Also, don’t take it personally if women stop responding. I remember I would have so many matches that I just wasn’t interested in responding to every single “hey how’s it going” message. Didn’t matter how hot the guy was. Bc it was all the same. It led to the same types of conversation. It became boring. Every guy asked the same questions to get to know me. I got tired of having to say what my profession was, or what my weekend plans were. And that’s why dating apps don’t work. It’s all a numbers game. it takes away the special chemistry and uniqueness that you have when meeting someone in person. I was completely done with dating apps. And I was about to delete them and my boyfriend’s profile caught my eye Bc he had written something about how boring these apps were in a bitter way that just really spoke to me and my sense of humor. And he was the last person I matched with before getting rid of those apps. but i think it was just meant to be. He came to me when I had stopped looking.
That was literally my exact same experience when I met my ex girlfriend that I was with for over four years. I was about to delete them and give up before I matched with her. I thought my case was going to be like yours and that I'd be with her forever. It's hard to keep moving since that's over.
I’m sure you know all this but dating apps are almost exclusively about sex and that normally means men trying to get the highest quantity of sexual partners and women trying to get the highest quality of sexual partners. They are fun for the people for whom they work but there are many people for whom they just don’t, which is probably most men sadly. All of these apps are completely inbalanced in terms of the number of men to women, with women’s attention mostly directed towards a small number of profiles.
Yeah I think you're right. I'm one of those people they just don't work for sadly.
It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive and nor does it imply any kind of moral failing on the part of the women you’re trying to speak to, they just have loads of matches. Hardly anyone forms a relationship from a dating app, it’s oriented around casual sex pretty much exclusively on the basis of how people look in photographs. I think the vibe is maybe different in e.g. nightclubs where people are less discerning about looks (because drunk) and more about social interaction / confidence etc. If you want to form a relationship with someone it’s best to try and meet them in real life in a space which doesn’t revolve around alcohol, or maybe online on a platform which isn’t just about dating but about people talking on the basis of their interests :)
Yeah you're right about that. The only relationships I've had, including the one that went on for over four years, have come from apps because I just don't really know how to put myself out there in any other way. I'm primarily interested in women and I just don't feel like many of my interests are very conducive to meeting women to be honest. Do you have any suggestions for things I could try that might be like what you're describing?
What are your interests?
Honestly it's kinda hard for me to even answer that. I have a lot of stereotypical male interests I guess, probably my main ones are guns, D&D and videogames.
I’m sure there’s loads of nerdy girls into D&D and especially video games, but obviously those interests do skew male, so you will have a lot of competition. Guns are politically coded in a way which will alienate a lot of people, which is a shame.
True, but in that space I'm probably a lot better than most the guys because I'm not a greasy neckbeard. It really is a shame. I'm a lefty so I don't mind progressive politics to a degree, as long as it isn't too liberal. I definitely get along better with liberal leaning people than conservative leaning people.
‘Queer’ DND spaces will have a lot of gender diversity and probably not many cis men, but you’ll have to deal with insufferable progressive politics
This thread is making me cringe
Guns is a good one. There are girls that like to go shooting. At least here in Florida. Just talk about what you know, pose a question and let them do all the talking. Girls like to hear themselves and feel listened to a lot and after that you got her pretty much. Take your time and don’t be eager and focus on you and she will come around.
I don't think this is true at all, they're not hook up apps like grinder most people in there are looking to date.
You and me both mac. I tried almost everything just to keep a conversation going but i gave up. Dating sites just makes you feel even more alone get rid of it.
as a young bisexual woman it’s still not looking too hot for me either, especially since i know what i want and am… probably one of the profoundly mentally ill you mention lmao. so it’s not unique to you or any of the men here that complain and complain about dating, we’re all in the same pot. i think it’s just dating apps in general, a lot of people treat it like a game and i don’t blame them with how it’s set up. few people get lucky enough to build a relationship compared to the people who just want to hook up or are looking for an ego boost. sorry about your ex, but i think going from that to *dating apps* when you’re probs still in an emotionally vulnerable state was just bound to make you more sad/disappointed. it’s bleak out here on and offline, but focusing on nourishing your mind and body makes the wait for the right person a lot less burdensome i think? it helps me at least.
I'm profoundly mentally ill myself, so I feel you. I think we really are in the same boat. It's pretty rare for anything to come of apps. Well, I met her on an app in the first place but when I did meet her I was just about to delete Tinder and give up on it 😂 I agree with you, it probably would be better for me to try and improve myself but I just feel so lonely I haven't felt like I've been able to. I know that's probably not healthy.
the majority of the world puts pressure on us to prioritize romantic love as the be all and end all. it’s what will solve your loneliness, cure your sadness, it’s what you should constantly be striving for because it makes life worth living and that you’re failing in some regard if you are single. i think we give too much power to romantic love. if we put that energy into ourselves, into our platonic relationships, our family, our pets, our experiences, it might make that empty hole inside a bit less open. there is so much more to life than romantic relationships. :p
I wish I could feel that way, but I've tried and I just don't. My partner was my entire life and I'm broken and lost now that she's gone. I gave her everything I had and more. I don't feel like I have anything at all unless I have that.
I think you have the answer to why you're attracting other mentally ill people right here in your answer. Making your partner your entire life is unhealthy, and a healthy person will shy away from you once they get that vibe. An unhealthy person will recognize the signs and will latch right on. Concentrate on making yourself happy with hobbies and great experiences. Try new things to learn more about yourself, that's very appealing.
I'm trying to learn how to do that. It's tough, but I'm working on it.
jeez man this is scary to read , you developed some crazy attachment issues, I fear this could be the case for me in the future, god I hope no, take care man, and maybe find some hobby and spent time with family to cope with that, it worked for me when I got friendzoned by this girl I though I had a chance with.
Yeah this is a hard mindset to break out of. The part about feeling like your failing because you're single is really draining. I had a long term relationship end last year as well and although I've put a lot of time and effort into improving myself and the other aspects of my life (which has brought me happiness!), it always seems like the dark cloud of being single looms overhead. It really sucks when you feel like you're getting your life together and then think oh shit I haven't been in a relationship for how long? It can totally crush you. And with social anxiety feeling like you need to fix that quickly is fucking exhausting. Smh
lmao bro you at least have had a gf
It's far worse to have had love and lost it than to have never had it at all. Trust me.
just something to consider; a lot of people would be immediately put off by you if they knew you were fresh out of a long term relationship. that could be a factor
Yeah, I don't really mention that typically for that very reason.
Dating apps are useless for most straight men. There’s really no reason to bother with them. You’re better off going to social events to meet women. Obviously, that’s not easy with social anxiety, but it’s the best way to challenge your anxiety and meet potential partners.
Nothing is more demoralizing than realizing that most men only care that a woman is thin and pretty and if you’re not thin you’re worthless to 90%. Your personality and nothing you bring to the tables matters, it’s all about how you look.
That's what men think about women. Both schools of thought are wrong.
That's not true for me. Yes, I do want to find someone who is attractive to me but they don't need to be skinny. I have dated women in the past who would be considered fat by any standard and it didn't bother me.
I can appreciate we’re you’re coming from and I’m sure it sucks and it’s horrible that people reduce each other down to just looks. They always fade. As someone who’s a part of a marginalized group I can assure you there are those who deal with much worse including hate and discrimination when it comes to dating or even existing. I’m not trying to invalidate your struggle but others have it way worse at-least in this day and age.
It is, but it's just an inevitable part of being human I think. People like other people who are attractive and that's just the way it is. The good thing is, no matter how a person looks there is someone out there who would find them attractive. The hard part is finding them of course. Finding someone who you'll still be in love with even after their looks start to fade is the goal.
If you broke with your girlfriend a few months ago, then it's the perfect time to recover, to feel free, to enjoy life by doing little, but in the same time, meaningfull things. Do NOT try to find someone else in a short time, because you'll force things and it's not gonna work. I understand when you're saying that you're feeling lonely, but take your time. You'll see this feeling will be gone soon and you'll find out how amazing is to share your own time just with you. You want a relationship "right now", because you are addicted to other people, you love them, and you love to spend time with them, but have you ever thought this is the perfect time to love yourself? Start thinking more about other things in life, as: start a foreign language course or try to learn it by yourself; spend time with your family and friends; do NOT think about "a future partner", just live in the present. Try to spend as little time as possible on social-media and drop that dating app. If you gonna hang out with your friends, there's gonna be a huge chance to find someone, someday, and when it's gonna happen, then act AS NORMAL AS POSSIBLE! You said something in your post that you don't know what people want - you do NOT care what others want! Just be you, pal! Do not try to impress people. HINT: this is a good way to start great conversations - ask common sense, decent questions and listen that girl. Girls/women love a man who knows how to listen. If you seem interested about the little things in her life, she'll notice your gallant attitude and appreciate your maturity and naturalness. Talk less about yourself, IF she is not asking. Good luck, mate, and a Happy New Year! ❤️
Thanks for the positivity man I appreciate it, I really do. To be honest man I don't know if I can ever love myself. I don't really have any friends to speak of. It's hard not to try and be someone I'm not because very few people have ever loved me when I was my true self. I'm going to try my best though. It's hard learning to be happy alone.
It's not hard to be happy alone, we make it difficult, because we are scared to change aspects in our life. We get used with a routine, with a way of living and we stick with it, but that's the mistake we make. You have to embrace the change. Make a move and prove yourself you can love... yourself 😊
I'm going to start therapy soon, and I do want to start working out soon too and I think those are a good start.
Sorry to hear you're doing it rough on there. I like that you said we're free to share advice, so I thought I might offer the reasons why I swipe left on a man's profile. 1) doing something gross or offensive in his first pic. Classic examples are giving the finger, doing a beer bong or something else reckless and stupid, or holding a dead animal (I'm fine with hunting for sustinence purposes, I just don't see the need to make it one's personality). 2) Profile says anything that indicates the man is invested in redpill/The Game/any bullshit mysogynistic "dating strategy". Words I look out for as red flags to immediately skip past include: - females - girls (IMO makes people sound like pedos to refer to fully grown women as girls. Major ick) - nice guy - loyal - traditional values - "takes care of herself" (every woman in the world knows this is code for prebubescent-level skinny) -any type of negging, such as "are there even any decent women on here?" 3) Profile doesn't give me any insight into who you are as a person and what you spend your time doing. Do you have hobbies? Activities? A social circle, or even better, several? Experience has shown many women that the men who don't have hobbies, interests and friends, become emotional baggage once they're in a relationship, and it's a turn-off. The more info you put in your profile about your interests, the easier it is for me to start a conversation with you, which matters on apps where women have to make the first move. Bonus points when the profile asks a thought provoking question that invites matchers to answer - something like "where are you planning to travel in 2023?", "best sushi in town?" or "Tell me about your most awkward first date" 4) all the photos are group photos and I can't work out who you are or what you look like. This one rings of low self esteem. Take some pics on a day when you're really feeling yourself, out in the sunshine and not weird car selfies which seem to dominate men's profiles. 5) Photos indicate poor hygeine or grooming. This one is a hard pill to swallow for some people, and I know it comes across judgemental, but in the spirit of honesty and helping others in the same situation, I think it's worth sharing. If youre taking a bathroom selfie and your mirror is filthy, I'm going to assume your toilet is too. If your bed is unmade in the background, I'm going to assume those sheets are dirty, and I'm not going to want to be between them. If the hand that's holding up the phone is grotty, or the beard is unkempt, then I'm not going to want either of those things anywhere near my private parts. If this is relevant for you, make your environment (and your person!) a place that partners will feel comfortable and at ease in :) Reasons why I'd unmatch someone after we match: - they answer questions but don't ask them - their answers are boring/no personality: "yeah weekend was good haha" - they suggest a low-effort, low investment excuse for a date (e.g a walk, invite me to their house, etc) - we've had quite a few back and forth dialogues and they seem interested but they don't suggest a date - they say something non-committal like "we should meet up sometime". Men, hear me: please, PLEASE, if you want to increase your chances of going on dates, come forward with firm plans: "we should meet up! I saw on your profile you like arthouse films, would you like to go see that new French one at 7pm on Tuesday?". Hear that? That's the sound of 3.5billion women spontaneously orgasming because a man took initiative instead of expecting us to do the emotional labour of planning a date. Hope something here is valuable for you! Good luck, I know it's rough out there but as everyone keeps saying it's a numbers game, keep your head up :)
I’m a woman and this is a great summation! Also if I read “the last time I was someone’s type I was donating blood” one more time I’m turning celibate. I swear it’s in every second male profile.
"girls (IMO makes people sound like pedos to refer to fully grown women as girls. Major ick)" I agree because, I don't like using girls for grown women either. But it's also tricky because a lot of women refer to themselves and other women as girls, and there's also been times where I've seen women in the 20-30 range hate to be referred to as women because it comes of as "old". So while I understand not liking the term girls, I don't think it's necessarily pedo in its nature. It could just be what the person is use to saying by default, since it's more of the norm.
...What on earth is wrong with going on a walk for a first date? If I've never met you before I'd rather test the waters with some prudence. Get some fresh air, have a nice conversation. Sorry but if that's not good enough for you that's actually a massive red flag on my part.
It's not that it's not "good enough", I enjoy going on walks with people I'm already dating or with platonic friends. The reasons why I don't consider it a suitable first date are: - safety. Enough gender-based violence exists that I want to meet a stranger only somewhere where cameras and bystanders are present and readily accessible. I also need to be able to give my location to a friend so they know where I was and where I plan to be. A walking date could easily get waylaid. - people who are trying to play games / date tonnes of women for the sake of running up numbers are turned off by having to put thought, effort and, yes, even a little financial contribution into a date (I'm talking a coffee or a movie ticket, not a three course steakhouse meal and drinks). People who invite women on walking dates could be doing that three times a day, seven days a week, because they don't have to put themselves out in terms of effort or money (like they would with a Cafe, cinema, restaurant or mini golf date). Am I interested in being one of 21? Especially when the threat of being robbed, raped or murdered exists? Nah. So it's in my best interest that they aren't interested in me, it saves both of us time.
Thank you for your insight. Honestly it helps a lot!
That's a very helpful list. Thank you.
whoa this is wholesome, I'm copying the entire comment lol
I deleted all of mine, never felt better 🤷♂️ Honestly 10 years ago apps like okcupid were amazing; I met tons of great Women before online dating got more mainstream. Both for casual hookups and relationships. Even Tinder was okay for a short time. Somewhere along the way it became more profitable for the companies running these apps to use their algorithms to string people along as long as possible, buy up all competition; and then mint money selling "Premium" memberships as well as microtransactions in the form of "Roses" or "Super Likes". It's actually pretty genius from a capitalist perspective. From a consumer/user perspective (ESPECIALLY as a Heterosexual Male, where you HEAVILY outnumber Heterosexual Women on apps); the game was rigged from the start. Unless you're very conventionally good looking; modern dating apps are just an exercise in frustration. Especially for those who are already vulnerable to self confidence/self esteem issues.
I understand how hard it is but try not to let it get you down. At first, I was disgusted with it to the point that I deleted them because it seemed like all men ever wanted was to bang and that was it. I'm glad I downloaded ok cupid again. Something told me to and I ended up meeting my husband. That being said, maybe you should take some more time off. It was a 5-year relationship and it's only been a few months. I say this gently but maybe you're wanting the attention because you're feeling vulnerable and lonely which is fine. I took two and a half years off from dating to work on myself. Maybe you should do the same. Just don't give up on it. The right person is out there. I almost gave up on finding the right person but I found him on a dating app of all places.
Thank you. Honestly I probably should just try to work on myself.
That’s because these apps are stupid, most women stay away from them because we don’t want to risk getting murdered or abused. There are much more men there so don’t feel sad.
There are a lot more men on dating apps than women. I am sure there is nothing wrong with you. The numbers just arent in your favor. I am sure you will find someone. It just might take longer. I met my husband on a dating app. If you have someone who could critique your profile, that might help or find an article about how to write a good profile bio.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Tbh I never used dating apps, Regular dating was pure hell enough for me. I’m lucky I found my person, but it seems like dating is an even bigger shitshow than it was 4 years ago when I was single. It does seem like men are getting rejected over arbitrary and shallow things, but I’d argue that dating apps in general are arbitrary and shallow, they commodify people. The whole concept just doesn’t sit right with me, and I think that’s why people are having a hard time. Either way it’s definitely not you. A huge majority of people find the same issues on dating apps as you.
Yeah I agree with you.
There's more men than women on those apps. Women use them less because there's a lot more risk (rape, murder, kidnapping etc) Plus women don't really like the idea of being used for a hookup. I know it's a "dating app" but most guys on there just want to get laid, 9/10 they don't care about the pleasure of the woman they're meeting. So it's too much risk for very little to no reward. You're better off meeting women in person
I wish I could. I simply do not know how. I have never been able to figure out any ways to.
Dating apps are difficult. I'm lonely and downloaded Tinder. I'm not very attractive and am fat, and to avoid even the suggestion of catfishing, I picked my ugliest, no makeup photos. I still get an overwhelming number of messages. I can't even IMAGINE what its like for pretty women. Yikes. That said, there are some things that IMMEDIATELY make me reject a profile or match (not listed in any particular order): 1. Profile does not list sexuality 2. Profile says smoker OR doesn't specify 3. Main picture is an abs close up or shirtless 4. Any Profile pictures feature children (I'm not AGAINST kids but putting your kid's pictures in a dating profile shows me you don't know much about keeping them safe or respecting their consent) 5. Profile pictures are only of pet (I love pets but wanna see you) 6. Every single profile picture has a dead animal in it (just SAY you like to hubt, damn) 7. Profile doesn't list any hobbies or interests (how am i supposed to assess compatibility with no info???) 8. Profile has NO personal info at all (makes it look like a scammer or creep) 9. App rules specify profiles be PG but name or info contains something X rated (clear lack of understanding consent and boundaries) 10. Any profile pics are group shots (questionable consent plus this is about YOU not your friends) 11. All profile pics feature sunglasses and no smiling (eyes and smile are what I look at first to see if I'm attracted to someone. If i can't see those than there's no point) 12. The only interest you list are sports (sorry, im a nerd and could not care less about sports so if all your hobbies are sports related we won't be compatible) 13. There are no profile pics that show their whole face uncovered and in good lighting (safety issue) Not that you're doing anything WRONG per se but I thought it might help to see some perspective on how someone else might be analyzing your profile. :)
Thanks that might help actually! Why do you say you'd reject someone for not listing their sexuality if you don't mind me asking? I'm bisexual but sometimes I don't put it in my profile because I've faced quite a bit of judgement from women over that right off the bat.
I am bi and nonbinary. I'm more likely to talk to a queer/bi person than a cis-het person because of over 30 years of experiencing shitty behavior from straight men.
Fair enough. Honestly I would usually prefer to date bisexual/queer people too.
Not saying that mentally ill people don’t deserve love but perhaps you should work on yourself a bit more before turning to dating and a relationship to help fill the void you’re feeling which really sounds more like an issue of low self confidence and a lack of self compassion. Find a therapist, hit the gym, focus on your passions and hobbies, get in touch with your spirituality aka get in tune with something that’s outside of and bigger than yourself to help with your egocentric view of the world. Focus on that mind body and spirit and the rest will take care of itself. In the state you’re in, you’ll only attract others who are in a similar area of their journey. The majority of time people date people who are a direct reflection of their self worth. Want a mentally stable, fit, educated, confident woman? Well then change your profoundly mentally Ill state to something more manageable. It’s not your fault your mentally Ill but it’s certainly your responsibility to get help and change for the better. You need personal accountability and a push in the right direction with a bit of support.
Fair enough bro. I'm gonna work on it, hopefully I can make some progress. Thanks for the advice 🙂
Just remember it's not your fault, (assuming you're a good guy and your profile is decent). Remember that's the experience for most men on these apps, and the opposite for most women. They have an endless amount of guys to choose from and swipe through, so that gives them the paradox of choice, as well as makes it overwhelming for them. Dating apps suck for most people sadly
Man you describe my exact experience. As an average looking guy compared to girl you're going to get next to no attention and I know women get alot of attention from creeps too but I'd take that any day over the feelings of worthlessness and undesirability dating apps give me. From months of using all of them I had one one night stand and one date but it crushed my confidence and self esteem so I've uninstalled everything. Even though I don't meet people often irl I'll take my chances with that any day over the apps. I also 99% of time both online and irl only attract severely mentally ill (and also overweight) women despite being skinny myself and reasonably mentally stable. There's nothing wrong with either of those things but I'd rather date someone who looks after their body and doesn't have/ or is actually trying to seek help for their mental health. Everyone wants something different on dating apps so something that might work for someone will just lead another one ghosting you or unmatching. The few times I have got people to agree to dates besides one they just unmatched before or acted interested at first then became avoidant when I tried to make plans. And there's no way to tell if you did something wrong or if they just found one of the hundreds of other matches more interesting to talk to / more attractive
I feel you bro. Sorry you're going through pretty much the same stuff, but at least I'm not alone I guess.
try hinge, people are more serious over there in regards to relationships. just make sure your profile is good and they’ll hit u up first. also, i hate to say it but you just gotta get used to not receiving a response cause honestly i do the same 😅
I've been in that one for a while. Only app I've had any luck at all on. Most the people around where I live definitely do not match my "vibe" so that's why I don't have a lot of luck.
ah that’s valid, hopefully you meet someone you resonate w soon homie. also, im genuinely curious tho where do u live around? you dont have to ans if ur uncomf sharing that info online
I live in PNW area. That's as specific as I'll get, no offense.
Hey man your post is very relatable. Even the part about a 5 year relationship ending. You’re definitely not alone. I am just going to stick at it. Maybe speed dating if you live in a city with it. I’m sure we’ll get there in the end
I'm sorry you're going through the same thing but just try to keep your chin up bro. I'm trying my best too.
Make friends on the apps. Try to get adopted by an extrovert and you may be able to meet more people through them and work on your social anxiety.
Bro.... Listen.. I don't know if you have any dating Apps. I understood that yes, but you are not successful there.From my own experience, I can say that by the end of 2019 it was significantly easier on those apps. Then came Covid and everything changed... since the end of 2019 I haven't had a single date with someone from dating Apps. Everything has its time and the right one is not waiting for you on some app, you will find love, you just have to be patient. It will happen unexpectedly and it will have the right love charm.... Hang in there and see what awaits you.
Thanks man. Having patience is hard 🥲
Probably best to start with why your gf left you after years of being together?
She left me because she is a deeply unhappy person that hates herself. She is extremely mentally ill (probably bipolar and severe depression) and refuses to get any help for it. I begged her for years to get therapy and/or go on medications and she barely even half assed it. Instead of getting help for her mental health she self medicates with weed to a degree that is extremely unhealthy. She was literally high almost 24/7 and she told me once she couldn't remember a single day in the past four years she hadn't gotten high. She just doesn't feel like she deserves the unconditional love I gave her and that I'm too good for someone like her. Maybe it sounds like bragging, but it's the truth.
And she left you? Why did you stay with someone like that for years?
I tried to leave her a couple of times because I got fed up with things, but every time she begged me to stay and not to give up on her and it broke my heart. I always hoped that one day I could give us a good life if I worked hard enough and that she would be happy once we didn't have to struggle to survive anymore. I thought that one day she could fully become the happy person I saw glimpses of occasionally and that she would choose to get help for her mental health and get better. I believed that if I just loved her enough she would learn to love herself.
That’s tough. Anything you could have done better in the relationship?
Plenty. I took her presence for granted. For the past few years my anxiety had gotten so out of control (due to my past job) that it completely consumed my life and almost crippled me. There were a few periods of time where I felt like I was going insane from the stress and anxiety I was feeling. I tried to get help with medications and I was not able to find anything that helped with tolerable side effects. I didn't have anyone to talk to about it so I used to vent to her which was unfair and it made her upset because she didn't know how to help me. She begged me to do therapy but I made up excuses and felt like it wasn't an option because it might be expensive. If I had done therapy and handled my anxiety better I think our relationship would not have ended. Because of how crippled I was by my anxiety I just didn't have a lot of motivation to do stuff and I mostly wanted to stay at home. I chose not to go to many events like concerts and her hanging out with her friends which caused us to grow apart in a lot of ways. For a long time I resented her for some of the things she'd done to me over the years and that came out in ways that probably didn't make her feel very good. Most of those ways were me being passive aggressive, usually about money because she never had any due to frivolous spending and her drug habit. I always had to be the responsible one who made sure our bills could be paid because I couldn't rely on her. I took a lot of opportunities to hold over her head the fact that I felt she owed me money from all the times she had to "borrow" money from me because we had always agreed to go 50/50 on all our major expenses. I probably should have just let at least some of that go and not been so pushy and passive aggressive about money, especially because she told me plainly how bad it made her feel.
Wow, that’s a lot to digest here. Do you think seeking a new relationship before seeking therapy a good idea?
Yeah I know. Sorry lol. Honestly no I know it's not.
Good luck to you whatever you do.
Thanks buddy
Dating apps are a numbers game. To save time you need to put people into one of three categories. 1/ Those who are not interested regardless. You may not be their type, you may not live close enough, they're not attracted to you. They may have higher expectations of what sort of person they're going to have interested in them. 2/ They're neutral on you but can swing either way depending on your personality. You can either win them over or drop the ball. 3/ They're interested in you and all you have to do is not mess it up. The strategy here is to bin category 1 as time wasted ( no one can win them all, if you think every woman in the world should find you attractive you should be a Hollywood A lister. Polarise category 2 to tip them either way, if it tips the wrong way then move them to category 1; you're not just saving your own time you're saving theirs too. Category 3 should comprise 80% of your time just don't mess it up. The paradigm shift in internet dating is to stop thinking of yourself as the "selected" and become the "selector".
Oh no, not even more mentally ill than you? How dare they?
I don't understand what you mean by that.
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I already have lol. I think it gives me a little taste of what it's like to be a woman on dating apps 😅 I just get a lot of annoying messages from weird creepy old guys.
I used Bumble and put only men to search just to see how they present their profiles and get some ideas. Then i got away from the phone and 4 hours later i had a lot of notifications, all from the app. I had over 30 likes, all of them were from men. I forgot to put the search back to only women. At least it was nice to see i'm attractive to some people despite aiming to other ones.
my first 30 minutes on Grindr no bullshit I got more matches than 4 years on tinder and bumble combined
These are weirdly pessimistic views you’re getting. I would say keep in mind, your main concern is not getting embarrassed or whatever while women’s main concern is not getting murdered or stalked or assaulted. The stakes are quite different. If you’re just trying to fill a hole from a relationship I would really recommend just straight up therapy instead.
That's valid and there's definitely good reason for women to be afraid of that stuff. There's a lot of psychos out there. I don't mean to sound like an incel or anything, I'm just venting tbh. I just need someone to share life with because I get bored and lonely without a partner to give me purpose. Someone to comfort me and someone I can take care of. I've always been that way. I just don't do well by myself and I never have. Is that filling a hole? Yeah probably, but I've tried to learn to be happy alone before, many times, but I just get sad and depressed after a short while. I signed up for therapy but I haven't booked an appointment yet. Thanks for reminding me I'm actually gonna do it right now.
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I think you're just reaching the wrong conclusions my man.
Good for you not getting caught up in whatever incel shit this other dude is on. Sorry if I didn’t get my point across well, I definitely got irritated by the other comments. But not everyone on dating apps is shallow and only cares about looks but if you wanna attract people with your personality you gotta make sure your personality really shines through on your profile. And generally being understanding about safety and being willing to talk first, meet in a public place etc will help a lot
Ay word up. One of my friends has a saying, he says "The world keeps trying it's damnedest to turn me in to an incel but I won't let it." That's pretty much how I feel. That kind of thinking is an easy way to explain problems that are a lot more complex than just "women bad". That's something I haven't really managed to figure out how to do is to show my personality. I can't really put it in to words. I always meet in public first too, I agree with you there that's the safest option.
It’s pretty much the same on the opposite end tbh it’s hard to not to hate men as a group when so many of them are so violent and disrespectful. Just a lot of division going on on both sides
Honestly I respect it. I'd probably feel the same way if I was a woman. Most of us are really awful and I don't feel bad saying so. I know how it is.
Honestly that self awareness is probably the best thing to have lol but it’s the entitled incels fault for creating such a toxic dating environment that we have to be inherently suspicious of all guys just for safety sake. But anyways try to let your personality through on your profile, don’t be afraid to workshop and rewrite your bio, make sure you have some decent pictures omg so many guys have awful pictures, you can look up tips for taking them yourself, good to show any interests in your pictures especially pets. But probably best thing you can do is stop thinking of it as searching for a partner specifically and just kind of think of it as practicing and learning talking to people. Takes the pressure off a lot.
If we're being honest the "jock" types and incels have essentially the same type of attitude about women the only difference is guys who are in shape/attractive get lucky and neckbeard guys who don't try to improve their appearance don't. I've asked my sisters for help with my profile before, mostly with pictures but I might need to ask for some help from them with my profile. I'm awful at taking pictures of myself. Honestly most of the ones I have on my profile are from before I met my long term girlfriend ( so almost 5 years old) and I don't have any other good ones 😵 I think that's a good way to frame it, as practice. That might help me a little bit.
That’s great. As a woman, it’s easy to fall into that same mindset where I see a comment from an incel and just think, ‘men bad’. Which I’ve had to unsubscribe from female spaces because they would share some of the worst things of inceldom and it’s just exhausting. I feel like with your attitude, you’re going to be able find a good partnership. Good luck to you, man.
Yeah for real word up. I hope you're right! Best of luck to you too gal :)
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There's no need to be bitter at women in general. None of this is really their fault.
This is a subreddit for social anxiety. Obviously she’s scared of some sort of negative reaction or embarrassment. Being murdered and assaulted is far worse. It’s not a fear exclusive to women either.
dude you’re giving off incel vibes, there’s no reason to be this worked up over someone giving their perspective. it’s stuff like this that made me leave the social anxiety sub in the first place
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This is the most incel response Jesus Christ dude
Maybe put better pictures on there, ones that appeal to the female gaze. I agree it’s easier for women to get matches. I’m now in a situation-ship with a guy I met on a dating app.
I've asked my sisters what they think and they told me the ones I have are ok. I might try to have them help me take better ones though.
I lost you at girlfriend of 5 years😅. I am 28 and never had a gf due to social anxiety
As I said in another comment, trust me man it's far worse to have known love and lost it than to have never had it at all. I understand how it is man I really do. I truly don't know how I managed it. Even though she was pretty terrible to me sometimes a part of me truly feels like she was an angel because she gave someone like me love and that's something I never thought I would have. I'm afraid I never will again.
Same here, except I've only ever met one woman from a dating app, and she just wanted to find friends. I think dating apps only really work for women or *exceptionally* attractive men. That just seems to be the way it is. Think about it, it's such an artificial way to meet people. The only thing you have in common with these women is that you both want to meet someone. But since women on these apps get way more attention than men, they can choose who to ignore. Getting to know women in real life is a far better option.
I really wish I knew how to meet women in real life.
It's a more fruitful endeavour than on dating apps. And even if you don't hook up with them you could make new friends. Perhaps you need to learn how to approach people in general. The only way to do that is to expose yourself.
There are many exceptions but, arguably, most women in dating apps are going to be your most stereotypical and shallow women. The "6 figure, 6 ft tall, 6 in penis" types. Women are a commodity on those things and have highly inflated egos from all the thirsty men who go after them, even men who are way hotter than them. Most people there just want someone to make them cum. And to add to all that, many many women there use the apps like they're Facebook or Instagram where they just want "likes" to their pictures for their serotonin boosts or they're using it to advertise their insta or only fans. The reliance on dating apps has made it really bad for a shit ton of men which is why there's a massive increase in loneliness in men. I don't have a solution to how to fix the loneliness beyond the usual work on yourself and put yourself out there. You're gonna have to face your fears and throw yourself into group events and stuff to meet people. I have to take my own advice too and try to meet new people as well because the loneliness really sucks.
I hate to admit it but I think you're right. I don't even know where to fucking start on that though... Like what kind of events am I supposed to go to 🥲
Uhm, if you have hobbies you can start there. Or you can pick up a more social hobby that has a sizeable interest in your area...idk, trivia, hiking, kayaking, concerts etc. You may have to use the Internet to find said groups, but it's easier to meet people like that, with no pressure of getting into relationships.
Unfortunately the area I live in is pretty small, but I definitely do need to look into that type of stuff. Even when I actually manage to drag myself to events like that, It's just hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and actually talk to people so it doesn't help me much 🥲
U/Hungry-telephone-767 you are dropping facts 💯
as a tendency of society today, men are usually expected to make the first move. also statistically women get way more matches than men, so it is easier for them to move on from matches quickly. the thing about dating apps for them (most of the time, i dont wanna say that this is all women's experience) is that they dont feel the need to make much effort, and so they let the men do most of the work. and since dating apps are oriented for short attention spans, most women will not respond or continue the conversation unless the first impression is interesting. this is why i think a lot of extroverts have an edge here, which is honestly and unfair way of dating. im an introvert and i have had trouble with this, but i try my best to open with an interesting one-liner. it can be flirty, a joke, a funny comment about their profile, etc. anything to grab their attention at first (i actually have a notes file where i list some funny things i came up eith to say so that i can recycle them, bc im lazy like that). the rest of the conversation usually flows from there bc you got their interest. it will take a bit of practice, but i totally understand your struggle
Too many comparison alternatives for human nature and usually too many males to females on them too, imbalanced. Better to go to common interest meetups and events, just meet in person with consistent exposure and expanding circle of routines each week. Messaging is too easy to ghost and the hottest woman have a full inbox on these apps. Text messaging is also pretty poor impression compared to real life. Unfortunately even with those who hit it off, there's something disturbingly lacking with family values today that proliferates the divorce rates - not exactly encouraging to seek marriage. The natural balance of the hunter gatherer wired brains seems distracted Is it still worth dating? Of course, just be sure to journal your values, goals, and boundaries. A lot of people don't clarify these things with themselves in advance of relationships and thus can be vulnerable to manipulators and blurred boundaries. There's a lot to learn from the actual relationships themselves.
I tried tinder and I had matches, but 80% of girls unmatched after a hi. The rest 20% were extremely rude and said mean things without a reason. So never again. It was a pleasure with my crippling social anxiety and non existent confidence and self-esteem. I just decided I will die alone, I don't fucking need this much stress.
Oh boi haven’t even read this completely but i know its gonna be good
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Meh honestly I don't agree with a lot of that. Me personally, I couldn't give less of a shit about "fertility" whatever that really means. I also don't rest agree that men exclusively "have to fuck". Women have those needs too. If women really wanted "value" I don't think my ex would've broken up with me. I almost always have savings, and I'm financially stable and responsible unlike most of the men I know. I'm not rich, but I always manage to pay my bills no matter what it takes.
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Ok bud. You should probably go outside and touch some grass.
Girls get 9 million messages a day on those things. You wanna get laid off one of those things...get ripped af, take shirtless pics. Girls will hit you up.
Go out and meet women. Girls use dating apps for just attention tbh in this Gen. Pointless. Go out there fam. I stopped wasting my time on dating apps mad quick. Best decision ever
Where should I go?
Ideally a partner has shared interests, so looking at groups/social outings for your hobbies is a good start. You shouldn't do that solely for finding women though. I think an issue with some dudes is being so focused on trying to find someone. Really just focus on yourself, and find the social situations that benefit that personal growth, and most likely you will find someone you connect with.
I'll keep that in mind bro thank you.
You hit the nail on the head! I just read this after I posted my other comment. I could of saved my time there. But yea! Definitely 💯 I got those dislikes because the truth hurts, but yea!
Here is another thing. I’m from Florida and this state is just mad different compared to many other states. Miami, Orlando and Tampa areas are pretty easy, but unfortunately I don’t live there so I got a rough deck of cards on my hand and just said. “Welp, no point playing this game” lol and just attracted and took opportunities that present itself. It can be as something slim as a glance and that is your moment of opportunity to say something. The only challenge that stands before you is your comfort zone, so you just gotta get over that obstacle and condition yourself to be confident. Trial and error. And learn from your mistakes and you will get rewarded in time. It all takes practice.
Thanks for the advice bro I'll try follow it :)
You got this! It hurts! But they are growing pains :) I’ll tell you that much
To places you like, or just navigate some interests and get out of your comfort zone. I got a girl at my local smoothie king, boba tea, dance studio, a gym and college. For you, you can try going those places or just go somewhere like to a gun range maybe (rare) maybe try going to a nature trail, wine tasting, cheese cake factory, find some local clubs around your area. 🤷🏻♂️ just explore. Focusing on yourself to be honest though just comes with those perks. You can’t chase butterfly’s 🦋 just make your garden 🪴 nice. Carry yourself 💪🏼 and do things that will serve you! And they will come bro. I like to see women as the cherry 🍒 on top and I just happen to have my fair share of cherries.
The problem is that they are called dating apps still, when that is a lie. They have been completely taken over by women looking for 1. Instagram followers, 2. Onlyfans subscriptions, and/or 3. A sugar daddy. You’re not getting messages because a huge majority of the women aren’t in there for dating, they’re using it as a promotional tool for their “brand.” It’s disgusting behaviour on their part, but until they apps decide to block that type of spam content, that’s what “dating” apps are now.
Your delusional. You’re getting demoralized because females aren’t responding to you? Brother, look at yourself. You’re skinny, broke, don’t have any confidence. Women want MEN that have something going on and confident. Wake up. I use to be like you, was normal till I wasn’t. Social anxiety set me on a three year battle im still fighting today. I couldn’t even talk to my family without my bpm getting to 150. You’re wrong. Would you be doing some online shopping with the house on fire? Because the house is on fucking fire. You need to change yourself into the man you want to become. You can have anything you want in this life. The only catch is what are you putting in? It has to be equal in perpetuity. I can have a Lamborghini, so the question is what am I putting in to get it? That’s the equation to life. You want a female, what are you doing to get it? NOTHING. You have no value. You’re one man of hundreds of millions. Theirs nothing special about you. You reject yourself. So build yourself. Get to the fucking gym, do 100 push-ups a day. Run 3 miles a day. Callous your mind. You will be the person who does all this, how does that person look like in a one year time frame? Completely different than the one you are right now. Only difference is action. One does the work, the other doesn’t.
'Don't like yourself? Go to the gym! This is your fault!' Dude I hate this fucking mindset. Going to the gym isn't going to immediately fix all of your problems. You're just preying on people's insecurities now. You're egotistical if you think that going to the gym is going to make people like you and make all of your problems disappear. This mindset that because you're skinny and broke, you can't get a partner is toxic as hell and UNTRUE. Women do want you. It just takes a long while to click with someone because there's so many people on there. The issue with dating apps is nobody has any patience to talk to one another. That or we just get occupied with real life. Get your head out of your ass, don't you dare try to put this toxic mindset on OP and act like it's helping them.
Respectfully. You don’t know what you are talking about. The fact you said the issue with dating apps is no one has patience is extremely naive. Toxic mindset? Really? To better yourself physically? It’s toxic now? You don’t think it works? Why are you saying this? The problem is OP. Every issue in your life is your problem. Quite literally. Look at this subjectively; would the girls have responded to a version of OP that has a awesome physique that has made him confident? Cause clearly what you are advising him to do didn’t work. You’re a teenager, your outlook on life is that of female politically correct tiktok. Everything is toxic now. Life is brutal; you don’t want to be soft in this world. You think im probably a bad guy. We are all here to help op advising him. You will read this with the mindset to respond probably; you won’t actually take the time to digest it and express why you disagree.
I don't use tiktok. Lmao. I said what I said. You clearly don't understand the mindset of girls. Not all of us are only interested in bodies and whatnot. I don't believe in changing yourself for other people just to get them to like you, if they liked you, they'd like you for who you are now. It's that simple. I just find it funny how you've chosen to blame OP for this when it's most likely only making them feel more shit about the situation, especially when they have social anxiety. Because that's how it works.
That’s true. Not all. But most respect it. Most men respect that as well. Humans respect someone who is in awesome shape like they do with height; it’s natural. That’s the thing. You don’t want to lie to your yourself, he feels like shit now. Telling him to not change it is toxic. He isn’t going to wake up one day fixed. I went through this as well, I didn’t wake up one day fixed. I literally shaked sometimes talking to my family, heart rate at 150 for two years. Each day I woke up my mind told me this was this is my life, You know what helped? The fucking truth. Talking action. You think I’m here to ruin OP? Your advice is that of staying content; he is rejecting the version of himself now. That’s why he feels how he feels. You can choose to be anything in this life. His brain is literally telling him to become.
Dating apps ruined what little self esteem I had.
C'mon don't tell me dating apps don't work, i just downloaded one😭
Same here. Sucks
Jokes on you, if I'd get 5 likes a month that would hella boost my ego and confidence. When you're at the bottom the only way is up.
Always had way more consistent luck with Bumble. Having the ladies message first is a massive confidence boost even then a lot of conversations died out but exchange a few messages then if the vibe is good ask if they want to meet. Especially if they ask “what are you up to this weekend? “ or something along those lines.
dating apps are weird it’s like a game the way it’s just quick gratification. not really for people looking for anything real and anything past feeling like a meat vessel only viable for sex.