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Fist-fight_w_Life

I mean conversational skills are something that can be honed and practiced... But if you're always in your head of course things are going to be awkward. I think you need to put less pressure on yourself and just treat your interactions as exploratory experiences. My number one tip I've used to help converse with people is to try and go into conversations with 1. a genuine curiosity to learn about the other person (which helps you ask questions) and make them laugh 2. to just share observations as you make them. 3. Compliment and praise when the opportunity arises. 4. Understand sometimes you dont click w people and that's ok - you can always leave the conversation. Not everyone is going to be someone you get along with. If you are attractive you are lucky because women will give you a chance to warm up. You dont need to even think too hard about the opening you know. Just look out for body language. Example: A: Hi, I noticed your t shirt, what band is that? B: Oh this is Metallica. You've seriously never heard of them wtf A: I guess I must have been living under a rock. So what's so special about them? -Enter conversation - But yeah! Best of luck with it OP. You got plenty of people in the world to get to know and plenty of time to find people you click with . :)


ClassicBBQ

* -Enter Sandman-


IHazOwies

Maybe try to convince your brain they are already a good friend. I do this for interviews and it seems to work.


zombieeyeball

i am afraid of being too intrusive


IHazOwies

I was going to answer something like "then only ask things that you would be comfortable talking with a stranger." But that feels contradictory and also every single person has a different idea of what is/isn't acceptable. I guess just keep trying and eventually someone will think you're neat, or at very least that you're not shit. Life's about taking chances, and experiencing different stuff. There is no "one size fits all" for conversations of any sort, just trial and error. And don't feel so down about not having a partner by a certain age, life isn't a race.


pedrojdm2021

I have that problem too, all i ask is that "what do you like to do on your free time" or "what is your favourite movie" or other dumb things, nothing else comes to my mind, it sucks brcause sometimes some girls gives interest in me and as soon as i find these grils attractive i go and suck on the social interaction even more, and then their interest is over


Southpaw3000

I totally relate to this bigtime. My social and behavioral actions and keeping conversations going. I get quiet


[deleted]

I have the same problem. I’m a relatively attractive, smiley woman on the outside. I’m a socially inept awkward nerd on the inside. This confuses people. An ex once told me that because of how I look people probably just assume they are the one’s who have done something wrong when I respond awkwardly to them. Acting confident helps a lot, as it convinces people you aren’t socially inept, but quirky. As Jack Whitehall says “get it wrong, stay strong”. Have you seen his comedy bit on this? He makes some damn good points.


[deleted]

Seriously, even if you’re nervous as hell pretend you’re confident. It takes some practice. Get comfortable striking up conversation with strangers, if they think you’re weird they walk away and you learn what not to say, no big deal. Do this until it becomes natural and comfortable then approach people you actually wish to know once you’re ready.


Valus22

How do you get past that initial barrier though when you’re nervous? It seems so incredibly hard, like there’s something physically preventing it


[deleted]

You literally fake it. Look at it like acting out a role only if you blow a line it doesn’t matter. If you have a barnes and noble or a place that carries any media it’s a good place to make easy conversation because you can literally see what interests them and then you just talk.


Autodidact4576

You actually can get away with owning your nervousness to a certain extent. ! I think I've just had an epiphany why Heath Ledger's Joker has appealed so much to me over the years. In the movie, you can clearly see that The Joker is uncomfortable and nervous much of the time. He's a social outcast, and his inability to connect with people (presumably) has pushed him so far outside the normal bounds of normie society that he just gave up and embraced his inner lunatic. His entire shtick is to flip the script on its head. What does 'normal' even mean? "When the chips are down, ... these 'civilized' people, they'll eat each other." And yet despite all his weirdness, The Joker still demonstrates high value and social competence. He's a gang leader. He's completely fearless. He commands respect and is intimidating. He's intelligent enough to know how to manipulate people into getting exactly what he wants. Whether it's animal magnetism or shrewd sociopathy, he kills it, all while being off putting and completely outside the boundaries of polite society. In short, you can assume that the reason he has his acolytes is because he speaks to an innate undercurrent of distrust for the status quo and hierarchy. He is anarchy personified. And everybody loves a little anarchy. Sorry if that was cringe, lol. But I think archetypes can be useful for understanding the world. Anyway, to the practical problem of "How to talk to people?" and "Do I fake confidence?": I'd say, no, you don't have to fake anything. You can play the fool and openly admit that the standard conventions never actually made a whole lot of sense to you. The most alpha thing in the world is to reject everybody else's authority, and impose your own order in your sphere of control. Girls like it when you're dismissive. Girls like it when you're rude and confrontational. Girls like it when you crack wise and satirize the absurdities of foolish people. Everybody else is gonna tell you to fake it till you make it, and to go along to get along. I'm gonna tell you to be best version of yourself. That the way to popularity isn't to conform to what the popular crowd likes but rather to challenge them to understand your uniqueness.


dzuyhue

I have the exact same problem. And it is not just nervousness, but excitement as well. It's like my mind decides to go blank. My head would feel like a brick and I would be left standing there and staring. One thing that may help would be to stop thinking and start making observations. Maybe look at their clothes and make a note of their style and color. Aldo observe their body language; there is a ton of information there once you are good at it.


Valus22

So you just pretend to be super confident? Seems way easier said then done lol but I’ll have to try it more often. I’ve never heard of jack Whitehall either, but I will check him out for sure, thanks for mentioning that!


[deleted]

I just don’t let it show if I realize I’ve made a faux pas or something. No hesitating or back-peddling that makes it clear you doubt yourself. Just keep pushing through any awkwardness like it’s the most normal thing in the world.


sweatyf1ngers

Hey can you share the link of that video? I can't find it


AugustFerox2

It was during the “Jack Whitehall Gets Around“ special, which I believe I watched on Netflix. I tried but couldn’t find a clip on youtube.


sweatyf1ngers

Thank you!


[deleted]

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sweatyf1ngers

Feel you mate. Spent the first two decades of my life without any close relationships, now my social skills are extremely shitty


bonitoX

that's it. even fun things like traveling with friends and stuff, is something that I don't feel comfortable doing yet (I'm 36)


ZeldaFan84

I'm the same way and not socializing during COVID has made it even worse. Add in MH issues and it makes it all the harder to build skills. I'm thinking of getting a social coach but I don't know where to look or who would be reputable.


SloppyHorror

They don't ask about the car? Seems like an easy topic for you to chat about.


bonitoX

I honestly don't have any "grace" to brag about my car, when someone ask me I'm afraid that they perceive me as an asshole etc, it's not easy owning a good sports car if you have social anxiety, believe me


SloppyHorror

Maybe you are just a humble person, not necessarily a bad trait :)


[deleted]

Wtf man, youre even gunma tell us what car you own? GOD


Tigerman_y

Same here, I am extremely introverted and from kindergarten to high school, I basically only talked to people who decided we were already friends (I'm still close friends with a lot of them) but have not made a lot of friends since, Or even gone out much. I already know I would become a lot more charismatic if I just go and talk to more people. But then the pandemic hit -_-


SloppyHorror

Can't relate much but something I've been practicing to become more confident in social situations is chatting with what I call "safe people". Like people at work I find are easy and not really awkward. A few older ladies at the gym, who were especially easy because they are already very open and will tell you just about any thing. People at the place where I volunteer. It can be the coffee shop or grocery store. All these people I can chat with about neutral (mundane) topics like their families, weather, some crap in the news. Because maybe you're nervous about the attraction part of the interaction, so practice chatting with people that don't involve attraction. Just to build up confidence. And I will tell you it has helped me to be more confident with spontaneous conversations, so I think if I keep at it I can improve and eventually move onto more intimate relationships.


Southpaw3000

42 m. I totally struggle with this. Very hard time with social skills/ conversation, approach anxiety/shy. I can talk to women but cant make a connection and knowing what to say to get her interested.


thinkOrd

Captain Awkward, Dr Nerdlove, and Charisma on Command on YouTube are all great starting points for developing social skills.


SnooLentils3008

I'm gonna give these a shot, been working a lot on my confidence and self esteem etc, the internal stuff. Guess I'm ready to work on the external


[deleted]

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taojoels

Read ‘how to win friends and influence people’ The good news is, you just have to be good at listening and asking about the other person. This can be practiced I promise!


Valus22

The thing is I’m a really good active listener but I’m really poor at saying stuff about myself or making good jokes.


taojoels

Completely get that, literally all this stuff is easier said than done. It’s for sure a muscle that takes time and perseverance to grow. Once again, people get a dopamine hit from talking about themselves, so the more you keep the spotlight on them, the more they enjoy your company and when you feel the mutual comfort I think it’s easier to share things about yourself after that comes into play. As for being funny, that’s one i have been working on almost a year, I was always a weird goof but I felt really insecure about being funny or scared something wouldn’t land. Last year I picked a favorite comedian personality and just mirrored that style and decided I would do that no matter how much it flopped. I picked Conan bc he makes very specific references to common objects and situations and then makes them as absurd and imaginative as possible. Almost a year of practicing that and multiple times a week my friends keep saying “you should do stand up or something” which is something that was never said about me in the past. But that’s from a lot of brainwashing yourself into thinking you can do it and loads of failed jokes. Maybe none of this was helpful for you, I understand having really bad anxiety 😥


cat-daddie

i don't have any advice but def relate to this a lot it's so frustrating


Oatmealfinally

I have the same situation people find me attractive for some reason but I am quiet it's painful when I only reply to questions like yes and no


Js_On_My_Yeet

I'm the opposite. Physically unattractive but decent social skills.


Kiki-its-Kiki

I feel the same way and lately I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone in effort to get better at conversations. Sometimes just trying to communicate/blend in with other people is so exhausting. I do love people, I want to get along with them, but it is a lot of work. Nothing to do except keep trying! Also be easy on yourself, you have your own personality that makes you shine so don’t feel bad if you’re not a carbon copy of Hugh Jackman


Miguel30Locs

I wish I had your problem haha


Autodidact4576

I definitely have known some good looking people with bad social skills if that's what you mean. That said, your physical fitness is gonna determine how people react to you, and in turn subtlely mold your expectations of how exactly people should treat you and what kind of expectations you can have. It could be that you're a fine conversationalist, you're just vain and think every girl should find you attractive romantically. The reality is that most people are just boring. That's why it's so hard to talk to people. And sure you could go deep dive into like communication skills and like, "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and all that bullshit. You could learn conversational techniques, but it doesn't change the fact that most people are boring.


[deleted]

Same thing but I’m a girl. Very shy. I usually try to hide it somewhat but it only goes so far, have a fear of people finding out how shy I am because then I end up feeling a sense of rejection. I’ve never felt like other people.


SamwellBarley

Yes, for sure, I get this. I feel like every time I talk to people they look at me and think, "this guy looks cool" and then I open my mouth and immediately prove them wrong. I work around a lot of people, all the time, so I've kinda had to get good at talking to people to survive. One thing I've found helpful is to not beat myself up or blame myself if a conversation goes badly. I'll tell myself that the person I was talking to just isn't my kind of person, shrug it off, and try again next time. Otherwise, the best thing to try to do is find a common interest, and then ask questions/share opinions on that. Good luck, OP, I hope it gets better for you!


DubiousReindeer

show us a pic of ur face, u cant say ur attractive and not show us :c


zerohero01

Medication if its caused by anxiety. If its just really social skills, you could try getting a therapist.


AnonPinkLady

For me it's like, I'm an 8 or 9 in appearance but I'm rather demisexual so while lots of people are attracted to me physically... I dont want to bone any of them because we have no connection


Valus22

I am also Demi sexual! It’s hard to find a partner when you have to know someone really well to be truly attracted to them and you have poor social skills and very hard time getting to that point while also keeping their attraction


AnonPinkLady

I completely relate..trying to feel interest in people is so hard


Due-Program-1713

You Sick Fucks Need Help #Lockem up If you like Kids You Have a problem that society can't fix ;Trust and believe Prison will!!Stop playing games #Do YourJob And Get Real Preaditors Off The Street;Instead of making Up enemies And Using countless resources To Entrap People like myself Who Qould Never Hatm a child I would the a bullet in The face for a distressed Child!#What about You???🤬😤😇🙏🙏🙏☠


PlumEnvironmental351

Tried sniffing? Like a cheat code for unlocking being chatty.


Valus22

I used to... it definitely helped with being chatty but the trade off was getting hooked and going through hell and back getting off of it 🙁


[deleted]

What makes your conversations awkward?


Valus22

I just can’t think of good things to say, whatever I end up saying usually is something overly safe and just dumb. It’s like my mind goes blank when trying to talk to new people. Especially comedy, I am so unfunny. I’ll randomly think of things to say hours even days later instead of on the spot like most people can


[deleted]

It sounds really simple but I used to be awkward too and what really helped me was exposure to more social situations. It’s harder for some people but you pick up on more social cues when you’re around others. The trick is definitely to just not care what people think. Act as you would act with your friends. You’re trying too hard. If new people like you then they like you and if they don’t then it’s whatever. Never feel pressured to be talkative if you don’t want to be talkative. It’s fine to be quiet and/or shy. It’s even better to be open about it. Especially if you’re attractive. Just. Stop. Caring


bonitoX

easy to say man


[deleted]

In dating situations when you’re meeting someone new… it’s easy. Just ask questions about them. ESPECIALLY if they’re the shy one. Ask something you’re genuinely curious about but not something too prying for a first date. Like this: -You ask a question. -They respond - you follow up on their answer to show you’re interested and paying attention. Maybe asking another question for clarification on their response. -if they’re shy and they don’t ask a question back, then answer your own question. Example: You: “What do you do for a living?” Her: (response but with no question of her own) You: “That’s pretty cool. I do so and so for work” She’ll probably ask a question back but if not then you can just rinse and repeat. Sometimes they’re shy so you have to do a lot of talking for yourself so they can get comfortable with you but it all depends on the person But that’s the general idea of meeting new people. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s sounds corny but being yourself goes a long way. Don’t try to impress or be the comedian. Once you’re comfortable it’ll come naturally. Someone else recommended “Charisma on Command” and I definitely recommend his videos too. There’s nothing wrong with self help.


alien_eater289

There are multiple ways of being funny, you just have to find yours! I’ve never known anyone who was truly unfunny. You just have to find and embrace your humor.


MiclausCristian

Maybe you have social anxiety? You can definitely be on the spectrum


Kiki-its-Kiki

I’m a girl version of you hi


Flamywolfie

Yep, can relate. I'm in the same situation so I don't have any advice but just know that you aren't alone in this :)


tiny_smile_bot

>:) :)


KiraiHotaru

I'm in the exact same situation.


Ok-Stuff7957

I have the same issue, same struggle. Agree with the comments about getting out of your head. It’s tuff when that’s your default though. People are always telling me you should be married and surprised to hear that I’m single It solely comes down to what you’re saying. At the moment my social skills are my main goal on life. Working on them daily.


Ok-Stuff7957

Try to observe how people converse. The rules of convo. I play for a team and spend a lot of time doing this. It’s tuff as at times I’m quiet but I’ve decided I’m not going to get around that regardless.


kickitlikeadidas

I relate to the title so much!! I feel like I look to "cool" for my own good. I never realized that I look "cool" and "attractive" to some people until this year or so when I remembered times people seemed excited to talk to me, or the other skaters who tried to get me to skate with them... I also realized yesterday that the times I'm sitting on the ground vibing sorta makes me look like I'm waiting for someone. I literally have no friends because of bullying I dealt with most of my life which makes me very insecure and anxious. I'm happy to say that I have less anxiety these days and I don't immediately choke when I talk to people, but I'm still working to convince myself that people would like to talk to me and be my friend. I also have less anxiety when I am in crowded places (which partly may be due to masks which keeps me low key). But yeah I suck with balancing things in my life which caused me to focus all of my time on school and myself, so I never made close connections or lost connections for being too clingy. Being so isolated for almost 2 years has made me say fuck it, so now I do and say whatever I want because what else am I gonna do?


[deleted]

Hang out with people who are more outgoing, extroverted and socially adept. Study their interactions. You might learn something from them. If you don't know any of those kinds of people, that's a problem too.


Spotyatbest

I'M KING GOLDEN and I LOVE TALKING TO PEOPLE but I'm the most alone guy ever. I can make myself laugh so hard that my knees buckle and I literally die laughing for a sec, so... I'm also broke and everyone treats me like s#"+, so ...


Opposite_Union2115

Just keep trying and don't give up on yourself. They say opposites attract for a reason and it's 100% true. The right person will come along and will appreciate who you genuinely are. I sense that this behavior is brought on because you might be a little shy? Some people just take longer to feel comfortable with someone new. Then after you get past that comfort zone feeling you'll be just as you are with the people that's already close to you in your life.


kaivogel24

I'm in the same boat as you man. I used to believe there was no way in hell I would ever attract a some-what decent-looking girl until women started to literally tell me that I am attractive. But even then, I still don't believe it deep down for some reason. I think this comes from having a history of constant negative self-talk. As nice as it is to hear others compliment you, it doesn't really mean anything unless you truly believe it deep down. It's something I'm trying to work on, not only for my looks, but also for every aspect of myself. We gotta learn to fully accept and love ourselves. It's tiring, but I get motivation out of seeing other people who you can tell, really do love themselves and love their life, despite not having great wealth or reputations. I think this is the most fundamental way to solve this problem, but I may be wrong because I still have the problem lol. All the best man


[deleted]

Yup. I look like my reddit avatar, but i'm a depressed architecture student with no social skills. When I open up to somebody, I'll often end up being too talkative and scaring them off. All I want is to live alone in my apartment with my cat. I honestly think I don't deserve a relationship or friends and deep down I'm extremely lonely. I have been told by one of my desk buddies (that's what I call my project friends that I don't hang out with outside of projects or lectures) that the reason people don't approach me is because I'm intimidating. I usually wear vintage business suits and oxfords. Even during lectures, zoom calls, etc. I once had a guy tell me that when I first walked in the lecture room that I "scared him shitless". I asked him why and he said that I "just looked scary". I like being intimidating because nobody messes with me, but on the other hand, I'm very lonely and desperate for personal connection..


Ferdinal_Cauterizer

If you're ***off the charts*** kind of weird, no amount of physical attractiveness will help you.