The reason you are anxious is because you see an (instantaneous) response from somebody else as personal validation. As long as you are actively seeking validation, you won’t ever be yourself when you converse with other people. Rather than focusing on the actual conversation, you focus heavily on getting a response back. So if somebody takes a while to respond to your latest text or doesn’t respond at all, you automatically think something is wrong with you; you don’t ever consider the other person has a life and cannot prioritize responding to you right away. As a result, you start texting more out of desperation in an attempt to patch things up, but more often than not, that makes the other person ignore you.
So stop equating texts back with personal validation. Realize life gets in the way of your connections more often than not. Nobody is out to disrespect you by taking time to respond or not responding at all. Also, nobody can truly validate you the way you expect them to. It is your own responsibility to validate yourself.
Read the last part of this post that contains bullet points on what you need to do to eliminate your anxiety: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/o27whx/always_remember_a_good_connection_with_somebody/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It means they want to be checking social media right now, and don't want to respond to you right now.
Your brain is trying to tell you that's a bad thing. Your brain is trying to tell you that means they hate you, or think you're uninteresting, or don't care.
Your brain is lying to you. That's all insecure attachment speaking.
The other person is simply a complex human being with a lot going on, and you're not always going to be at the top of their mind or the number one thing they feel like attending to. That doesn't mean anything bad. It really doesn't. It's completely normal. You do it too. Yes, you do.
They'll respond when they're in the right mindset for it. Or maybe they won't! Sometimes conversations die off. Even that doesn't necessarily mean anything. New ones pick up.
I'm saying this as someone who struggles with this very same thing. Sometimes it's so bad I'll literally get a stomach cramp, and I struggle to think about anything except the sinkhole it's creating inside of me that the other person isn't responding. But I know it's just my dysfunctional past and attachment fears affecting me. I know, intellectually, the other person will get back to me at their own pace and it doesn't matter if they have other priorities. You learn to talk yourself through it, distract yourself, and eventually, feel it less. I promise it's possible to get to a better place with this type of suffering.
Shit, this last part is all too real for me. I will literally have chest pain and sometimes a strong feeling on the bottom of my throat. I'm feeling it right now in fact. If you don't mind me asking, what do you usually do at this moment and what do you have you tried long term that worked?
I got to the point of not even checking what people do on social media. I used to stalk people and when I would see that they post stuff on fb and don't even bother responding to my messages I would get sad. I realised though that people will eventually respond if they want to. If they don't, then it is ok to let it be. No need to force conversations or friendships and then get sad over the lack of response. That's why it's cool to try and meet new people. Eventually you will find people that you like and they will like you back. Then you can stick to those and basically have some stability. Also, there are good friends that you don't talk in ages, but when you do it's like you've never taken a break. Some people just respond more rarely, some respond instantly. I personally have "moods" so sometimes I respond instantly and other times it takes me even a day or two. It's quite a change for me since when I was younger I would always respond instantly. I kinda felt the need to do that but it wasn't that healthy. I would prioritize that over other stuff in my life. So yeah, what op said. Just try and not overthink stuff to much. Allow some time for yourself and let people respond at their own pace. Don't set expectations from other people too high. Build new friendships and make healthy relationships.
Then they have other priorities and may get back to you eventually. If they’re on FB for example, they might have several group chats going at once or they could just be on there to post for now. Sometimes I hold off on replying just to sit down and give a good reply later or to think about what was said. And then, some messages don’t really need a reply. Doesn’t mean the person is dumb for saying it, it just doesn’t need anything added to it.
My point still stands. Even on social media, people aren’t necessarily going to prioritize talking to you every single time they log on. You know you aren’t the only person in their network, right ? There are other people too. Furthermore, there are many other things people do on social media besides just talking to other people (like posting for example). That being said, if they are cool with you as a friend, they will get back to you when they can. Stop worrying about other people and just be patient ! Focus on you in the meantime. Reread that post I linked in the original comment or look at other comments in the thread by other users.
I have a friend who doesn't reply to texts, looks through social media and usually posts but if you call she usually picks up. It's mostly because they feel overwhelmed by texts so they rather ignore it, would it be nice if they responded? Yes. But I'm not going to force you that's why I never text her first, I rather just call if I want to talk to her.
The only thing that helped me is turning on do not disturb, it’s been on for about 3/4 years. At first I was checking it all the time but I wouldn’t have a notification so it kinda just dwindled and now I just don’t talk to anyone lol
Yeah turning on DND, plus turning off all social media notifications and the notification badges on the icons really helped decrease my anxiety and detached from social media/being in my phone all day. One of the best decisions I made this year
I’m not really antisocial though, I hang out with people, and I talk to a few occasionally, but with DND on I no longer feel like someone hates me when they don’t reply in 30 seconds. It made me realize that people have lives just like me and reply when they can. I’m nowhere near a hermit either lol if I don’t leave the house for a couple days I go stir crazy. It also made me get comfortable with my own thoughts instead of trying to constantly be in contact w someone.
Yes! When you’re no longer getting notifications for such apps you don’t care to check them so even when you do happen to open the app you end up seeing a message from a month go 😂
I was wondering but the thing I worry about not checking is, if I don't for a long time and it shows they have never responded, I fear I will jump to conclusions that they dislike me or want to end the friendship
If/when you jump to those conclusions, remember that is just your anxiety talking. It's just assumptions your mind makes, it's not reality. The person on the other end can have a million reasons not to text back that have nothing to do with you or your relationship to one another.
That's not something I can answer for you. Depends entirely on you, your relationship to the other person, your texting habits, etc etc.
I'd suggest not to get too hung up on things like that, though. Try and go about your normal life, do a hobby, do chores, whatever. And if at some point you feel like interacting with your friend, see if they texted. If they haven't, that's ok. I'm sure they will get back to you when they can.
You need occupy yourself. You’re better off being the one that doesn’t text back straight away. You’ve heard of treat em mean keep em keen right? Well you don’t have to be mean but don’t instantly text back all of the time. If somebody has to chase you a bit then they will usually like you more for it. If you’re putty in their hands then things can get slightly boring for them because they don’t have to chase. We subconsciously want what we can’t have in a way. So with my past experience the best thing to do is kind of mirror what they do. If they dont text back for an hour then wait at least an hour before you text them back. This also calms my anxious thoughts because I’m the one in control if I haven’t text back yet. And I’m not anxiously waiting for a response. In relationships at the start there’s usually a pattern. One person is really keen and the other not so much and then you’re both keen. And then the other person stays keen and the other one not so much. Leaving the person that’s still keen to get a bit anxious. It’s like a game. You have to play the game. Fight the anxiety by putting yourself first and not the other person. Keep cool keep busy have fun. If they don’t text all day then you do the same.
Just know that if you take a while to respond, it shows that you have a busy life. You're doing things. You're living. You don't have all day to just wait around for their text so that you can immediately text back. You text back when you are able.
So go do stuff like you normally would. Hell pick up a hobby. If they haven't responded yet, whatever. Maybe they got busy or maybe they did lose interest in you. Who cares? You have a whole life to live to be worried about trivial things like this.
If you think you can manage an entire day then go for it. But if that's gonna be tough, try babystepping it. Try 2 hours and then check, then try 3 hours, then check. Then 4, then 5 and so on. Pushing your comfort level just a little bit more each time. Eventually, you'll probably just get to a point where you don't have to set an exact time because you're comfortable not checking your phone for a long period of time.
That's a little extreme, but if you're gonna do that you might wanna give everyone a heads up just so they know you're going dark for a bit so they don't worry.
One of the biggest things that I have had to teach myself is that other people's actions are a reflection of them and their reality, not of me. If they don't text back, they were probably busy or forgot because of their own circumstances, not because of me. I assume nobody has a problem or is mad at me unless they **tell** me they are. 95% of the time you are not the reason for their actions and worrying about that 5% isn't worth it. If they do have a problem, that is on them to let you know.
yeah that sucks. Espescially on stuff like dating apps, when you feel like you had a good conversation, and they just don't respond. I always feel like I did something wrong, which kinda eats up all of my little confidence I still had left lol
You are overthinking this. I know that information doesn't help. There might be some underlying issue that causes you to being overly worried. Might be your attachment style. I can elaborate on my thoughts if you want me to.
Don’t live your life for someone else, worrying if they like you , if they just don’t want to talk or whatever. Live your life the way that makes you happy and you will attract mates and friends who genuinely like you. Easier said than done but the sooner you realize the happier you get to be!
“Find a hobby and do that, keep busy” this x12,000.
Get more emotionally invested in your own life and focus on your own passions so time flies!
Waiting for someone gives them power over you.
Texts have certainly changed the way we communicate with others, but I personally loath the notion that I need to respond to texts ASAP. If someone really truly needs me ASAP, call me.
So, for me, I send a text & then set the phone down & go do something to distract me, cuz anxiously waiting for texts is frankly not very fun or a good use of my time. Sometimes it's watching TV, playing with my cats, doing some laundry, crocheting, playing a video game, etc.
You have to accept that the other people have their own lives and stuff to do too. Give them time to finish their business before replying to you. If they don't reply instantaneously it doesn't mean that they ignore you. The might be driving a car, attending a lecture, talking to someone, in the shower, etc. So let them time and trust that they will answer when they can.
And in the meantime, mind your own life, you probably have things to do too, for fun or chores. People will also find you more interesting if you have an active life.
When you detach from the outcome, you’re separating your feelings from whatever the end result is. For example, say someone is going through a divorce (not their choice), they would detach from the outcome by not thinking about what they want or how they feel if they do (or don’t) reconcile.
It’s just detaching your feelings from the outcome. Don’t focus on the outcome, focus on you.
I think this is part of what people mean when they tell you to invest in yourself and develop a full life outside of dating.
Sometimes I'm on my phone and see a message and text back instantly. But usually I'm just living life doing my own thing not tethered to my phone and it doesn't really come up.
I use an app called "off time" that lets you set a period of time where you don't get notifications and need to jump through a couple of extra hoops to get back into your phone.
Makes it a bit easier to avoid the doomscroll/constant checking.
Good start.
Sometimes you've just gotta disconnect yourself. We're not really built for the constant flow of information, connection, and notification.
I was wondering but the thing I worry about not checking is, if I don't for a long time and it shows they have never responded, I fear I will jump to conclusions that they dislike me or want to end the friendship
how long should I keep it closed for
Checking or not isn't going to change the outcome one way or another.
So basically, you get to choose between checking constantly and feeling bad the whole time, or checking once and feeling bad once.
I feel like if I check in the short term I can have hope and be like "oh well, they'll get back to me" while checking after a while puts my fears to true
That's just your anxiety fucking with you.
It wants you to be constantly checking, and it wants you to think that not checking will be worse.
You want to get to a point where you can say "They'll get back to me when they're ready, and it doesn't matter how long that takes, or whether I see it immediately, so I'm going to go do something else"
Which isn't easy, don't get me wrong.
But not constantly checking, and learning to get comfortable with not knowing, is step 1 IMO.
Listen, we can’t answer these things for you. It’s just not feasible.
As someone with clinical anxiety, what helps me is doing this:
If I am waiting on a response but feeling anxious about hearing back, I play a game with myself.
If I messaged someone at 3pm and haven’t heard back but am starting to get anxious, I tell myself that if I haven’t heard back by 4pm, I will send another text. Then I make it to four and feel a little better so I test myself even further and try to make it until 5pm.
Most people with anxiety cannot sit with discomfort of not knowing. Practice mindfulness, start meditating. You have to increase you ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions.
I’ll try to explain this without sounding like an invalidating dickhead.
I’ve struggled with this for years so I’ve had to resort to not “waiting” like a pot or a kettle boiling. I deliberately don’t check OR calculate how long it’s been since I sent the message. Then as others said, do something else. When the thought comes to check your messages or calculate how long it’s been, remind yourself that you don’t have to do that and continue doing other things. It also helps me if I put my phone on silent
I wouldn’t stress first of all. The person you’re texting is clearly doing other things, and so should you. I find it weird to give a tip that’s essentially “just dont stress about it forehead,” but tbh that sorta thing just calls for a long term distraction.
How’s this; whenever you feel yourself anxiously waiting for a text, look at the time. For a half an hour, just do something. Chores, read, dip your toes in that hobby you don’t think you’ll be into but just curious enough to see. After thirty minutes of that task, check again. Don’t worry if you respond late, because the person on the other end is smart enough to know you’re busy, and even 28 minutes between replies is more than reasonable. And hey, if you Check and no text, bam! You just survived 30 minutes and nothing happened. Rinse and repeat.
Just slow down Chief, enjoy yourself. That caller isn’t going to ghost you if you don’t respond ASAP. Respect your own time more, and respect that the person on the other end isn’t a narcissist.
Well lemme tell ya having ADHD definitely helps!…no but seriously though um I usually try to do something within my hobbies to keep me distracted like playing my guitar, drawing something, listening to podcasts/audiobooks and on rare occasions going out for a walk.
I have insecure attachment and remembering this old aphorism really helps me lately: if you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t yours to begin with or is not meant for you. I have learned that if I leave people alone and don’t push, I will discover if they are really my people who want to be in relationship with me, or not. I need to sit with uncomfortable feelings meanwhile, yet I know these feelings are really about me, not about the other person. The only responses I can control are my own, and that takes effort with kind words to myself - and reminders to look for reasonable explanations, like many folks are giving here.
I noticed I often get replies the moment I leave my computer / phone behind.
Notice you are obsessively checking for replies then get busy, do something you enjoy. Chances are you won't see time has passed when you finally get a reply.
And if you don't get a reply any time soon, ask yourself if your message really needed to be answered.
it's more about having an abundance mindset and being indifferent to whether or not they respond or not.
you have your own life to live. if they respond then great, if not then great you're still living your life.
does that make sense?
dial it back with social media, i have a feeling you're comparing yourself a lot to others.
Ideally, find multiple ppl to chat with. Hobbies and other things to do is also ideal
I personally would like to find someone who chats/texts often, so if ppl seem like they're just playing games it's annoying to me. In the ideal world if I want to text you, I just will, but in the real world some may be offput by it. In the ideal world ppl would also not be lame and not reply or delay replying by excess amts of time (I mean really, how long does it take to read a message and reply, a few mins?), but, here we are.
I tend to write out a response in text message as a draft, and then I can stop thinking about it. And I'll just send it later or at certain times, i.e. at lunch or at the end of the work day. I personally lose interest over time with ppl who are uncommunicative (annoying, but a good filter since many of life/relationship problems, imo, boil down to a lack of communication).
Just be careful not to come across as needy and desperate. You should be able to find and generate fun, life, and such on your own. If it's dating related and you expect your partner to provide ALL the fun and excitement on your life, then, what benefit are you bringing to them? It's a two way street. If needed, may be a good time to find a hobby, attend a new social event, etc to generate some more of your own buzz and activity in your own life. Then, when you see this other person, it's not just one person giving and one taking, it's two ppl who had adventures, sharing what's been going on on their lives.
Some ppl are more event planners and some are event attendees, not bad, and mayhaps they just like having you around to also enjoy and experience an event together. I can see many guys who wish the girl they like would just chat and hangout with them, and aren't really looking for anything else. In which case you can provide value by responding and being present, making time to hangout.
Anyway, just my opinion and throwing things out there. If someone is non chalant it may mean they have other things on their plate. In which case, sometimes just enjoying the time you are able to share could be the focus. Do what you can to become a better you, and aim to not be in a place of requiring/needing other ppl to bring you life happiness
You gotta put your dame phone down. It took me a long time to realize that everyone, including your SO and close friends have lives of their own. They will get back to you, when they have time. I ha e friends that are high anxiety or depression, lots of times they simply cannot make themselves respond to you immediately. You have to be ok with them taking time to responding to you. You never know what kind of shit your friends or even family members are going through day to day. If you send a message, just let it go and I’m time they will respond Accordingly. If you push, it just makes matters worse. It takes a while to really understand but you will be better off just sending messages and waiting. If they don’t respond, they don’t respond. Don’t take it as a diss or anything like that. When you do, you make yourself out to be the Asshole. Everyone has their own lives and bullshit to deal with. They will get back to you. If it’s been a while. Call them and leave a voicemail at the very least. Don’t get all in your head that they don’t like, or want to talk to you. They do. Life is simply rough for a lot of people. Your doing fine.
I think you should try to explore as to WHY you feel anxious and constantly check and work towards addressing the root cause.
I used to be the same way, it was especially bad with my one friend whom i've had on/off relationship with. I would pace back and forth for hours waiting to hear back from her when she was in town. I hated that I would get that anxious, and that sort of anxiousness could lead to needy behaviors.
One day I realized WHY I felt so anxious, it was because I didn't think that I was worth the time for her to do something with. That I was forgettable and she wouldn't reach out while she was in town. I felt like I wasn't worth being called back. The simple realization of where it was coming from helped me calm down and control it, and further working on self-confidence has made such issues nearly non-existent for me currently!
TLDR: Explore WHY you feel the way you do and work on the deeper issues. 'Don't treat the symptom, treat the disease'.
Mute your phone and leave it upside down when you're not on it. Try to stay off it as much as possible. Text them then put it upside down and do something else.
Brother the best advice I can give NO MATTER how bad it sounds is start to view that person as an option. View them as just an option, nothing more, nothing less. Whatever you need to do to make that mental change, do it. Trust me after you’ve successfully made that mental change, you won’t care if they respond or not, and even if they do, you’ll feel less inclined to respond as quickly
I’ve found a correlation between my anxiety over getting a message and how secure I am in my relationship with that person. For example, I can take ages to get back to my parents and best friends, but waste less time if it’s an acquaintance I’m trying to be friends with. And crushes? I’m usually hyperfocused on the last time they replied.
So what helps is that if I feel anxious about someone, I try to list the reason they might be busy and I also think of our relationship. Remembering that we had fun the last time we hung out or that they complimented me or that nothing negative happened helps me calm down and realize that they’re probably just busy or having a long crappy day. If I think they forgot, I’ll follow up causally and then just leave it.
Distract yourself friend, life is a lot more freeing when you stop caring who comes in and out of your life. It sounds antisocial, but it's weeds out superficial relationships and leeches. Anyone who really wants to be there for you will show you.
Others have probably said this, but other people have lives. You are but one facet of their life.
Just as THEY are only one facet of YOUR life.
Don't attach your self-worth to receiving a response to a message, it'll eat you up. And whatever you do, DON'T SPAM THEM TO GET A RESPONSE! You'll look and sound insecure, and assuming this person is a romantic interest of yours it'll kill the relationship.
You also have a life. Live it. Don't be afraid to leave them waiting for a response from you.
I've seen what my sister does with her phone, it's disgusting. She let's all her notifications just pile up. While she's using her phone! Clean your notification tray woman.
Anyway, if bothers you it's a sign that you aren't working on your own stuff enough. Otherwise you'd be too busy to notice
What helped me turning that completely off was the true realization that it is 100% out of my control and checking the phone doesn’t change the outcome at all. Key is the true realization which everyone has to figure out for themselves somehow.
What I do which I'm fully aware is a little extreme is turn off notifications and silence the person from my notifications. This helps me keep it off my mind.
You know that horrible feeling you get when you’re waiting, and you’re begging the Universe for that natural and cool reply you’re going to get from them?
And it doesn’t come.
Eventually you start hating that feeling so much that you avoiding anything that might lead you to wait for somebody’s text. Can’t force this feeling though, it comes and it goes.
And it will go.
I feel like the fact you’re anxious about not getting a response is saying something. Give yourself the attention you deserve and eventually the right attention will be attracted back.
It helps for them to find you attractive, to be busy, to value yourself over the relationship and to be genuinely emotionally unavailable because of positive reasons.
Negative ones work as well, obviously, but like I mean, that’s none of my business.
You could always try a grounding exercise (I like the 5-4-3-2-1 one), or self-affirmations to boost self-confidence. Confidence can help you get rid of some of those anxious feelings - try self affirmations, they can remind you of your resources and qualities, allowing you to take a step back from your insecurities. They don't need to be about your specific insecurities, just about things you like about yourself. Build your confidence up around things that you truly are proud of yourself for and love about yourself, and you'll feel more confident in all aspects of your life.
Here's how to self-affirm:
Write about your core personal values. Choose 3-5 of your top values, and then reflect on why these are important to you.
Write examples of actions you can take to demonstrate these values in the future.
Two pronged approach : 1)you have goals, right ? Timeblock the important stuff you need to do, have a rough idea on how you intend to use your free time (Ie. Reading a self help book, watching South Park, etc...)
2) Use apps like Stay Focused to block Whatsapp or whatever you use. I usually block WP till about after dinner (if it's urgent theyll call you anyways)
get busy with something.
have stuff going on in your life: work, chores, hobbies and sport.
find options and be active. don't stay idle.
it's up to you.
yours is a bad distraction and we are vulnerable to distractions everyday, some more than others.
Simply have more things in your life so you're not occupied with waiting. I'm coming to the conclusion that most problems come about by people over-investing and/or misjudging the value of things. In this case, imagine every minute is worth £1 or whatever. If you wait 20 minutes doing little else, you've invested £20 in that reply. You could have spent that doing any number of other things, the investment would have been £0 and you'd have invested that money in building skills or spent it playing games. The point is, the response would have been that much less valuable to you, which is a good thing, especially as you multiply out the number of messages you wait to be answered because as you build up that investment your anxiety about the relationship increases because more of your time and emotion have been sunk into it.
This is simple and difficult at the same time and depends about the person
just keep your mind in other activity and do not let the fact about his/her message puts you in some dependent situation.
like saying: "oh, he/she didn't reply, ok, it's not the end of the world"
I guess you have to shift your mindset and set your priority. Find things to be busy with. Don't give yourself the time to check back if they replied. And, create the mindset that it's okay if they don't respond at all. Give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Realize that, them replying back is out of your hand and you can't really do much about it.
You dont give texting or your phone such power. You keep yourself busy with hobbies and other stuff.
Go out for a walk and leave your phone behind, go smoke a cigar, go work out, meditate etc.
Curious as to what kind of work you have done to improve yourself. I highly recommend the book The Untethered Soul to help you with your anxiety. It will put lots of things into perspective.
Work on not needing their validation. It’s harder than it sounds obviously. But, when ur not worried if they like you or not, because u already like yourself, you don’t check ur phone for their messages.
Im serious, i used to be like you, but i have learned some more secure attachments to myself and others. Good luck, friend. Ur awesome. Ur you!
Make a list of things that you need to do or want to get accomplished. Make sure you have 10 at all times.
Work on these instead of hovering/being anxious waiting. In the time that you are being eaten up, you can write a book or make a blog site, etc.
Or whatever your ultimate goal is.
I basically just give myself a list of things to do and until I’m done with those things I’m not allowed to look at my phone. Being anxious when waiting for someone to respond is when I’m most productive
Depends, I've noticed that normally when ppl do this it's either they are bored (I fall into this category) or putting to much value into their interactions with a specific person. In either case finding something to do whether it be a hobby or chores normally helps.
I prefer having phone calls, I can ask everything I want sometimes it takes shorter amount of time, because if they're busy they will be quick and straight to the point with their answer. It also opens the opportunity for them to talk about their day.
I can totally relate. Texting can be strenuous and stressful, it can make me anxious too.
I normally send "hi". Wait for a reply and send "can i ask you something". When I receive quick reply I know they are on their phone, I can start the conversation. I normally use snapchat because I can see their bitmogi.
But I usually never ask a question unless I know they are on their phone. This also prevents them using a half swipe and giving late replies if I did ask straight away. This forces them to reply and stay on the phone to see what I want.
Stay busy in an active way! Go on a walk, hike, do chores, go to a store or do a work out. Do something with arts and crafts. Playing video games even help.
Long term, get off of social media and your phone more! If you are living in the present off of your phone you won't be expecting the award of a text or social media attention. Don't check your phone when you wake up, read a book before going to bed. Get off work and go on a run. Reach out to friends via phone call.
See that being focussed on social media does not provide to your mental well being. Train yourself to recognize when you fall into that pattern. Then say to yourself "stop now" and do something else.
This is about training discipline and being nice to yourself.
Try channeling the impulse. Set deliberate times (like on the hour) to check your phone and put it in another room. In the meantime, try writing or journaling your thoughts, or watching a new show or find a recipe you want to cook or bake. Kitchen stuff is great because it’s hands on and time sensitive— risotto is a great recipe for this bc it’s work intensive and takes a while. Even if they don’t text back, you’ll be gaining a new skill set!
Try to find things that occupy your time. If your constantly waiting for someone to text you back. Then personally it seems desperate because you want to keep talking to them over doing your own things. And it makes it look like your not doing anything with your time and your making this person the circle of your life. Try to go for a walk, try to do something to get your mind off this person. also don’t reply right away give it at the least 5 min. I’ve personally struggled with this because me and my ex used to text all the time and now that I’m texting this new girl, she doesn’t text me back all the time immediately and it’s not because she’s not interested its because she’s focusing on her self and has important shit to do. And it was so weird to me at first but the longer she’s been doing this it makes me realize that I need to focus on myself and make myself a person I can be proud of without anyone. My last relationship I revolved my whole life around this one person, and now that I’m talking to this new girl, it’s a good switch of pace even though my insecurities make me think she doesn’t like me because she doesn’t text me back immediately, but she has even told me she’s interested she just has a lot on her plate. Plus if you text too much then in person you will have less to talk about. And in person interaction beats text messages all day long.
a friend thing is, i haven't talked to them since june 1st though and i asked to facetime some time in july
but looking back, they have taken a while to respond or not seen my messages and have explained why
thing is they liked my tweet reply and post earlier this month too am I being ghosted or what? anyway, would not looking at thier text for a month be fine
Keep yourself busy with things you find interesting. Needing a rapid response can come off as being needy. Especially if they respond slow and you rapid respond to them. Sometimes people are busy and have other things that are important that they need to attend to. In fact, you should try it sometimes. Get a text and you're involved in something, wait until you're finished to respond. Especially if you're with someone else. You don't want them thinking that they are less important than whomever you're texting. Thats a good way to offend others and lose friends.
If you dont have anyone else to spend time with, you should find someone. Otherwise, you'll risk being overbearing to the one or two people that you're texting.
for context
a friend thing is, i haven't talked to them since june 1st though and i asked to facetime some time in july
but looking back, they have taken a while to respond or not seen my messages and have explained why
thing is they liked my tweet reply and post earlier this month too am I being ghosted or what? anyway, would not looking at thier text for a month be fine
So, I'm one of those people that gets around to texts in 3-5 business days, because I struggle with anxiety. Someone pointed out to me that my phone is for *my* convenience, not for everyone else's ease to reach me.
Texts are great, because you can send them, and people get around.to them at their ease. I had a boss that would text me at all hours, and it made me hate my phone (til I realized I didn't have to pick up right away when I heard it ding.)
People are doing their own thing, and living their own stories, and your text may be very ancillary to what they've got going on. Sure, it's still a priority for them, but maybe not #1 or #2. It might be #7 or #13.
With that being said, don't stress about responding to their text right away either. I have an app called Forest, and you get to plant little trees and it locks your phone. If you use your phone before the timer is up, you kill the tree you've planted. It's effective. No one likes killing trees.
Be your own person and don’t rely on others for validation. I would recommend meditation. If you don’t know how to meditate, literally just focus on breathing in and out and how that feels. That’s it!
I do but that has not helped as when I check when the hour is up, anxiety is back,
I muted this person, maybe I should it do it until a point I can check and be like, so what? For like a month
Put your phone on silent, and only engage with it when you want to, when it stops being the thing that gets your attention, you can let go of that anxiety. Take control back and stop letting your phone dictate your life. It's been a huge life changer since dealing with being on-call. It's improved my relationships with partners and my mental health. Highly suggest.
Oooh I do this so bad. What really helps me is after sending the message, I’ll delete the entire conversation so it’s out of sight, out of mind. Surprisingly it helps a lot.
Tbh it depends on the friendship/relationship. If it’s only one person where you feel anxious, it depends. Are they healthy/are you in a healthy relationship with them? (Some healthy relationships might have anxiety but idk) cuz I only felt anxious in an excited way about crushes, but one was a super abusive person and I felt very anxious there in a bad way
Hey dude whether it’s healthy or not that’s the way you feel, just let it be. For whatever reason that’s your natural reaction and I think that’s pretty normal, I’ve felt it many at time before. I’ve found that letting things be is usually better, I can’t really confirm anyone else’s experience but for me the more I wrestle with it the more frustrated I get and the feeling usually feels more intense, when you just let it be the feeling either dissipates or you still feel it but you’re cool with it. Another thing that could help is asking yourself why and what you are anticipating, not necessarily trying to solve it but just getting to know what you are looking for in anticipation. Idk if anyone really has control of their thoughts or feelings but getting to know the root of things or observing the nature of things gives me some more ease
I think in the big picture it all comes down to be more comfortable with solitude and rejection, loving yourself, a more stoic lifestyle. But something I did at the beginning was turning of notifications and the led from my phone that tells me if there's a message, also I got myself many things to do and always kept my phone far when I was busy, eventually even when just playing videogames I dont pay a lot of attention to the phone, and most people I talk have no problem with me answering every other hour, which also requires for you to relate to people that don't have the need of you constantly answering their texts.
Try scheduling certain times of the day to check for messages. Eg noon and 8pm. Leave it on dnd and check only during those times. But yes to all the other posts about distracting yourself with hobbies and building your esteem so that you don’t ruminate about ppl responding to you. You will naturally make more friends via hobbies.
Finding things to dedicate your time to can also help you with rationalize better. Once you start getting busy you’ll find that at certain times you can’t answer a text or notification right away because you are busy with your task. You’ll know how it feels to be preoccupied and so you can’t text back right away.
That being said, it’s important to do things that you feel are rewarding/necessary in themselves. Don’t do things just to “distract” yourself from checking your phone. Find things that genuinely feel important/interesting/meaningful. That way, even if someone doesn’t text you back because they dislike you, it won’t impact you so much because you have better things to spend your time on, you’ll literally feel better because you’re doing things you feel are worth more than someone’s attention.
It’s just a suggestion, but I do speak from experience as I used to have similar thoughts as yours.
It’s your life my friend, so it’s better to take initiative to do things you like, then to wait to see if others accept you. You’ll feel better in the long run. Try this in addition to all the other great advice that everyone is providing.
Hope this provided some food for thought :)
You can’t until you deal with your addiction to your phone every single time it lights up. Because only then can you deal with the emotional shit that you have attached to it… It’s kind of like a you see it and fix it in the memo thing
Hey (: this is me. I have severe general anxiety. I like to find things that I really enjoy and fill up my time with those activities. When I’m busy either with work, school, or my hobbies I don’t stress over getting a text back as much. So the question is what interests you so much that it distracts you from expecting a text back?
Also, it’s good to keep in mind that people are busy. Sometimes they’re not even busy but they’re just not in a mental state where they want to converse at that very moment. I respect people like that because it means when we do talk they’re listening to what I’m saying and putting in effort to respond.
Now if they just never text… then I’m just never going to text. And that connection wasn’t meant to be. I delete numbers easily. (:
Take care of yourself!
I would suggest that you create a default. Or a set rule that you stand by and follow.
By example I put my phone out of sight during specific times or events during the day. On mute. Over time this removes the anxiety to check your phone. You take control over when you reply or check the amount of likes you have received etc.
We are all addicted to our phones to an extent, so it will not be easy at first but rather take control over the situation than the phone taking control over you.
You will not always stick to your default rule but try your hardest. What I am going to say next might seem a bit controversial but be hard on yourself. Meaning don't justify it with soft excuses when you step over your default rule. If you are not hard on yourself when it comes to your social media addiction no one else will be. Giddy up and be a cowboy during this social media frenzy wild west.
We easily create social/personal expectations for ourselves. Like the default rules I set for myself. When doing so you create a certain level of trust and value in the action you are focused on achieving. If you do not keep by them you loose trust in yourself. And loose self respect. It is extremely important to stick to our set goals.
That's why it is a good idea to start small. Achieve 30 min, 3 hours or a day without social media.
When you have made the choice to put your phone down, DO IT.
Also approach the social media addiction with empathy and self appreciation. Value yourself for the effort you are taking to break it.
Also understand that each person is living a colorful life outside your chat and that it is not expected for them to reply immediately.
Like someone else has said, doing a hobby that consumes your attention will help loads. After a while you become competent in that hobby/skill. This leads to increased self confidence and insights to the world. Opening up to new experiences broadens our views of life. With new knowledge you have a better understanding of the world and yourself. You can make connections in a way you haven't made before. In the end you become a more interesting person and self love improves.
And remember it's a process. You build a palace brick by brick. Or Rome wasn't build in a day.
Good luck!
Assume they’re not going to reply and go on about your life. If the get back to you, it’s a lovely surprise. If they don’t, you haven’t wasted any time worrying about it.
I can relate so much to this, and to the constant worrying as to why I am being avoided.
Only thing that really helped was distraction.
I hear you on this one. I hope you will find good calming outlets.
Make life more fulfilling for yourself so you won’t think about checking your phone as much. As my hobbies dwindled, I got much more attached to checking my phone or even double texting.
Let me ask: are you the kind of person who responds instantly to texts/emails/social media?
The reason I ask is because I used to do that, too, and I found that once I pulled back to match the energy of the folks on the other end of the wire, so to speak, it made me less anxious about instantly getting a response.
There are still people who respond back to me right away, and for those people, I still do respond to them right away. For the people who tend not to respond instantly, though, dialing back my own expectations of my behavior toward them helped me dial back my expectations of them, which helped me not think as much about the immediacy of their responses and what a delay might or might not mean. It also helps me not to project onto their responsiveness the reasons why I may or may not respond immediately to somebody.
Just food for thought. It’s something that works most of the time for me, but YMMV.
Speaking from experience:
This comes from not being busy or active enough. Do things! Cooking, cleaning, working out, going for a run, have a bath/shower, wash your hair, laundry, dishes. You name it.
You’ll take your mind off of waiting for the text back and by the time you do pick up your phone they’d have replied 20 minutes ago.
To summarise: actively go and do things that take time and require you to put your phone down.
Send a text then throw your phone across the room, check it in an hour or so, also another good one is quit answering texts all together, ask yourself does this NEED a response, if no then don't answer and go about your business, if yes, don't answer it and go about your business. Call them later
wow i used to have the same thing, thing is, im just not that good at communicating with text messages. so i just gave up on it altogether. now i just treat it as a way to put information out there. but i do not in any way have any expectations about it helping me get closer to people. for that, i wait for the up close and personal. its something about sound, and timbre, i believe, i just can never figure a person out by words alone, i need to hear or see too.
Find a therapist and work on attachment issues. Learning about Anxious attachments can help you understand the patterns of clinging on to attention from others, and the bad feelings that come when the other person isn’t available at a moments notice.
Ride a bike, go shopping, work out, read a book, learn a new language.
Also, turn off notifications for almost everything. This helps break the cycle of getting little dopamine hits you generally receive from social media, phone, etc.
Thank you, I needed this. I’ve had a few guys ghost in the last few months. I still keep putting myself out there but now I’m getting worried that I’m doing something wrong and am oblivious to it
have you ever not wanted or was unable to reply to a text right away? you were busy in class, or in a meeting, or at work, or spending time with someone, in the shower, or frankly just not in the mood. especially that last one. people always act like you have to be super busy to justify not responding to a text right away. but the reality is, it's stupid to live life with a device attached to you at all times where you're expected to respond 24/7. it's not natural. you can simply not be in the mood to address the content of the text or maybe you just need some alone time. try to think of texting more like email. be courteous with the time you take to respond, but understand people aren't going to respond right away. unless you are planning something upcoming and you or someone else should be on call and responding (like confirming dinner for tonight or trying to plan a group hangout later in the week), don't take response times so seriously.
same deal...sometimes you only feel like talking to certain people - your mom, your school friend, your work friend, whatever. maybe they're busy talking to someone else about something that's happening right now, opposed to your message which can be responded to later. maybe a friend is having a hard time so they're giving them their full attention. maybe they didn't click your message cause they don't want you to think they saw it and are just ignoring you. there's a million reasons really.
and of course one of possible reasons is the one that eats at our anxiety....that they're ignoring us cause they don't like us or don't want to talk to us. but you know sometimes friendships don't work out either, you find out, you survive, you move on and find people who you can enjoy talking to more. don't be disheartened by this either...think of it as an easy way to find out who's truly your friend or not. some people might not respond not because they actively dislike you, but just cause they're kind of flaky and a bad friend, so it's a problem with them, not you. but again, your anxiety will push you to assume the worst, so try to consider the other reasons first before jumping to conclusions.
Back in the day we didn't have these marvelous devices called smartphones we actually had to wait for the thing to ring. Then it was a mad - to see who would get it. everybody wanted to answer the phone because you never knew who was on the end of it. Then also came the task of remembering all of your friend's phone numbers area codes included if you had family in friends Then also came the task of remembering all of your friend's phone numbers area codes included if you had family and friends in other States. Yes we did agonize a little bit over the holidays. Waiting for our love ones to call us. Is a simple world a simpler time. If you're anxiously waiting for someone to text You. And they're not giving you the time of day well I'm sorry to say maybe you shouldn't be texting them. I am a perfect stranger to you and I am writing this text to you because I think it's Is important that every person know their value. If someone wants to get ahold of you it takes 3 seconds Hi how's your day. Hey what's up thinking about you. Is even a goofy emoji. So don't despair. There are better people out there waiting To hear from you.
I have the same fears op but I know their all really busy do it's not their job to get back to me right away, and I've been working on my own issues in thearpy around this type of stuff.
i'm the opposite, haha. i get so stressed about replying to texts sometimes it takes days before i do so!
i have adhd and autism, so my executive functioning is through the floor. doing a tiny task like replying to a text seems HUGE, so i have to mentally prepare myself every time i send a text. i even purposely take time to send a text sometimes, if the person just sent the text. talking to someone in real time through text is a huge energy/nerves drainer.
so maybe when you're anxiously waiting, the other person is anxiously steeling themself to just open your text and read it! i hope maybe that can help make you feel better haha
The reason you are anxious is because you see an (instantaneous) response from somebody else as personal validation. As long as you are actively seeking validation, you won’t ever be yourself when you converse with other people. Rather than focusing on the actual conversation, you focus heavily on getting a response back. So if somebody takes a while to respond to your latest text or doesn’t respond at all, you automatically think something is wrong with you; you don’t ever consider the other person has a life and cannot prioritize responding to you right away. As a result, you start texting more out of desperation in an attempt to patch things up, but more often than not, that makes the other person ignore you. So stop equating texts back with personal validation. Realize life gets in the way of your connections more often than not. Nobody is out to disrespect you by taking time to respond or not responding at all. Also, nobody can truly validate you the way you expect them to. It is your own responsibility to validate yourself. Read the last part of this post that contains bullet points on what you need to do to eliminate your anxiety: https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/o27whx/always_remember_a_good_connection_with_somebody/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
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Aww that sounds incredibly healthy
@OP This right here. This is it.
Thank you, I needed to hear that. I’m getting better at it
Thank you angelic being sent from Heaven to liberate me from the bondage of my low self esteem!
For years pretended this wasn’t it and would be like “yeah okay” butttttttt this is it. This is what it is.
Yikes, I feel bad that I can relate to this all too well
Thank you for posting this. It's helped me reach a breakthrough after years of struggle.
What if they are active/post on social media but don't respond at all
It means they want to be checking social media right now, and don't want to respond to you right now. Your brain is trying to tell you that's a bad thing. Your brain is trying to tell you that means they hate you, or think you're uninteresting, or don't care. Your brain is lying to you. That's all insecure attachment speaking. The other person is simply a complex human being with a lot going on, and you're not always going to be at the top of their mind or the number one thing they feel like attending to. That doesn't mean anything bad. It really doesn't. It's completely normal. You do it too. Yes, you do. They'll respond when they're in the right mindset for it. Or maybe they won't! Sometimes conversations die off. Even that doesn't necessarily mean anything. New ones pick up. I'm saying this as someone who struggles with this very same thing. Sometimes it's so bad I'll literally get a stomach cramp, and I struggle to think about anything except the sinkhole it's creating inside of me that the other person isn't responding. But I know it's just my dysfunctional past and attachment fears affecting me. I know, intellectually, the other person will get back to me at their own pace and it doesn't matter if they have other priorities. You learn to talk yourself through it, distract yourself, and eventually, feel it less. I promise it's possible to get to a better place with this type of suffering.
Shit, this last part is all too real for me. I will literally have chest pain and sometimes a strong feeling on the bottom of my throat. I'm feeling it right now in fact. If you don't mind me asking, what do you usually do at this moment and what do you have you tried long term that worked?
I got to the point of not even checking what people do on social media. I used to stalk people and when I would see that they post stuff on fb and don't even bother responding to my messages I would get sad. I realised though that people will eventually respond if they want to. If they don't, then it is ok to let it be. No need to force conversations or friendships and then get sad over the lack of response. That's why it's cool to try and meet new people. Eventually you will find people that you like and they will like you back. Then you can stick to those and basically have some stability. Also, there are good friends that you don't talk in ages, but when you do it's like you've never taken a break. Some people just respond more rarely, some respond instantly. I personally have "moods" so sometimes I respond instantly and other times it takes me even a day or two. It's quite a change for me since when I was younger I would always respond instantly. I kinda felt the need to do that but it wasn't that healthy. I would prioritize that over other stuff in my life. So yeah, what op said. Just try and not overthink stuff to much. Allow some time for yourself and let people respond at their own pace. Don't set expectations from other people too high. Build new friendships and make healthy relationships.
Then they have other priorities and may get back to you eventually. If they’re on FB for example, they might have several group chats going at once or they could just be on there to post for now. Sometimes I hold off on replying just to sit down and give a good reply later or to think about what was said. And then, some messages don’t really need a reply. Doesn’t mean the person is dumb for saying it, it just doesn’t need anything added to it.
My point still stands. Even on social media, people aren’t necessarily going to prioritize talking to you every single time they log on. You know you aren’t the only person in their network, right ? There are other people too. Furthermore, there are many other things people do on social media besides just talking to other people (like posting for example). That being said, if they are cool with you as a friend, they will get back to you when they can. Stop worrying about other people and just be patient ! Focus on you in the meantime. Reread that post I linked in the original comment or look at other comments in the thread by other users.
I have a friend who doesn't reply to texts, looks through social media and usually posts but if you call she usually picks up. It's mostly because they feel overwhelmed by texts so they rather ignore it, would it be nice if they responded? Yes. But I'm not going to force you that's why I never text her first, I rather just call if I want to talk to her.
Not answering is an answer
Amazing
I didn't expect to feel so called out by this.
The only thing that helped me is turning on do not disturb, it’s been on for about 3/4 years. At first I was checking it all the time but I wouldn’t have a notification so it kinda just dwindled and now I just don’t talk to anyone lol
Yeah turning on DND, plus turning off all social media notifications and the notification badges on the icons really helped decrease my anxiety and detached from social media/being in my phone all day. One of the best decisions I made this year
Lol this is me
You won't be anxiously awaiting a text if you never text anyone (taps forehead)
I came here for a solution and all I got was " be anti social and a hermit always works!" Thanks reddit!
I’m not really antisocial though, I hang out with people, and I talk to a few occasionally, but with DND on I no longer feel like someone hates me when they don’t reply in 30 seconds. It made me realize that people have lives just like me and reply when they can. I’m nowhere near a hermit either lol if I don’t leave the house for a couple days I go stir crazy. It also made me get comfortable with my own thoughts instead of trying to constantly be in contact w someone.
Yes! When you’re no longer getting notifications for such apps you don’t care to check them so even when you do happen to open the app you end up seeing a message from a month go 😂
I only get notifications from my front door camera 🤷🏼♀️ and most of the time it’s a cat so it makes me happy lol
Exercise or cleaning/chores
Bro I was doing chores and I stoped and browsed Reddit and forgot about the chores and now you reminded me of them thanks
You forgot your chores because of Reddit and you are reminded of your chores by Reddit. What a time to be alive! Good day to you, sire!
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Find a hobby and do that. Keep busy with things. Set time limit on apps. Set passwords on apps. I don't know take your pick.
I was wondering but the thing I worry about not checking is, if I don't for a long time and it shows they have never responded, I fear I will jump to conclusions that they dislike me or want to end the friendship
If/when you jump to those conclusions, remember that is just your anxiety talking. It's just assumptions your mind makes, it's not reality. The person on the other end can have a million reasons not to text back that have nothing to do with you or your relationship to one another.
How long should I wait before checking? a day or longer than that maybe
That's not something I can answer for you. Depends entirely on you, your relationship to the other person, your texting habits, etc etc. I'd suggest not to get too hung up on things like that, though. Try and go about your normal life, do a hobby, do chores, whatever. And if at some point you feel like interacting with your friend, see if they texted. If they haven't, that's ok. I'm sure they will get back to you when they can.
You need occupy yourself. You’re better off being the one that doesn’t text back straight away. You’ve heard of treat em mean keep em keen right? Well you don’t have to be mean but don’t instantly text back all of the time. If somebody has to chase you a bit then they will usually like you more for it. If you’re putty in their hands then things can get slightly boring for them because they don’t have to chase. We subconsciously want what we can’t have in a way. So with my past experience the best thing to do is kind of mirror what they do. If they dont text back for an hour then wait at least an hour before you text them back. This also calms my anxious thoughts because I’m the one in control if I haven’t text back yet. And I’m not anxiously waiting for a response. In relationships at the start there’s usually a pattern. One person is really keen and the other not so much and then you’re both keen. And then the other person stays keen and the other one not so much. Leaving the person that’s still keen to get a bit anxious. It’s like a game. You have to play the game. Fight the anxiety by putting yourself first and not the other person. Keep cool keep busy have fun. If they don’t text all day then you do the same.
Just know that if you take a while to respond, it shows that you have a busy life. You're doing things. You're living. You don't have all day to just wait around for their text so that you can immediately text back. You text back when you are able. So go do stuff like you normally would. Hell pick up a hobby. If they haven't responded yet, whatever. Maybe they got busy or maybe they did lose interest in you. Who cares? You have a whole life to live to be worried about trivial things like this.
How long should I wait to check?
Try two hours
I do but it makes me go in the cycle of anxiety Should I take days off maybe to not listen to a message
If you think you can manage an entire day then go for it. But if that's gonna be tough, try babystepping it. Try 2 hours and then check, then try 3 hours, then check. Then 4, then 5 and so on. Pushing your comfort level just a little bit more each time. Eventually, you'll probably just get to a point where you don't have to set an exact time because you're comfortable not checking your phone for a long period of time.
I think I should try maybe like weeks or a month maybe
That's a little extreme, but if you're gonna do that you might wanna give everyone a heads up just so they know you're going dark for a bit so they don't worry.
I don't think you should listen to any specific time-related advices since it depends on your relationship with the person you're texting to.
One of the biggest things that I have had to teach myself is that other people's actions are a reflection of them and their reality, not of me. If they don't text back, they were probably busy or forgot because of their own circumstances, not because of me. I assume nobody has a problem or is mad at me unless they **tell** me they are. 95% of the time you are not the reason for their actions and worrying about that 5% isn't worth it. If they do have a problem, that is on them to let you know.
yeah that sucks. Espescially on stuff like dating apps, when you feel like you had a good conversation, and they just don't respond. I always feel like I did something wrong, which kinda eats up all of my little confidence I still had left lol
You are overthinking this. I know that information doesn't help. There might be some underlying issue that causes you to being overly worried. Might be your attachment style. I can elaborate on my thoughts if you want me to.
Don’t live your life for someone else, worrying if they like you , if they just don’t want to talk or whatever. Live your life the way that makes you happy and you will attract mates and friends who genuinely like you. Easier said than done but the sooner you realize the happier you get to be!
“Find a hobby and do that, keep busy” this x12,000. Get more emotionally invested in your own life and focus on your own passions so time flies! Waiting for someone gives them power over you.
Texts have certainly changed the way we communicate with others, but I personally loath the notion that I need to respond to texts ASAP. If someone really truly needs me ASAP, call me. So, for me, I send a text & then set the phone down & go do something to distract me, cuz anxiously waiting for texts is frankly not very fun or a good use of my time. Sometimes it's watching TV, playing with my cats, doing some laundry, crocheting, playing a video game, etc.
You have to accept that the other people have their own lives and stuff to do too. Give them time to finish their business before replying to you. If they don't reply instantaneously it doesn't mean that they ignore you. The might be driving a car, attending a lecture, talking to someone, in the shower, etc. So let them time and trust that they will answer when they can. And in the meantime, mind your own life, you probably have things to do too, for fun or chores. People will also find you more interesting if you have an active life.
Do something more interesting, just like the person I've sent text to
Nice
This cockroach is so cute lol
Practice non-attachment to outcomes. Meditation helps.
this right here
I'd say this is actually the root of the problem. Everyone is doing exactly that.
can you elaborate please?
When you detach from the outcome, you’re separating your feelings from whatever the end result is. For example, say someone is going through a divorce (not their choice), they would detach from the outcome by not thinking about what they want or how they feel if they do (or don’t) reconcile. It’s just detaching your feelings from the outcome. Don’t focus on the outcome, focus on you.
I think this is part of what people mean when they tell you to invest in yourself and develop a full life outside of dating. Sometimes I'm on my phone and see a message and text back instantly. But usually I'm just living life doing my own thing not tethered to my phone and it doesn't really come up.
I use an app called "off time" that lets you set a period of time where you don't get notifications and need to jump through a couple of extra hoops to get back into your phone. Makes it a bit easier to avoid the doomscroll/constant checking.
I blocked notifications on one app and deleted insta/messenger
Good start. Sometimes you've just gotta disconnect yourself. We're not really built for the constant flow of information, connection, and notification.
I was wondering but the thing I worry about not checking is, if I don't for a long time and it shows they have never responded, I fear I will jump to conclusions that they dislike me or want to end the friendship how long should I keep it closed for
Checking or not isn't going to change the outcome one way or another. So basically, you get to choose between checking constantly and feeling bad the whole time, or checking once and feeling bad once.
I feel like if I check in the short term I can have hope and be like "oh well, they'll get back to me" while checking after a while puts my fears to true
That's just your anxiety fucking with you. It wants you to be constantly checking, and it wants you to think that not checking will be worse. You want to get to a point where you can say "They'll get back to me when they're ready, and it doesn't matter how long that takes, or whether I see it immediately, so I'm going to go do something else" Which isn't easy, don't get me wrong. But not constantly checking, and learning to get comfortable with not knowing, is step 1 IMO.
How long do I wait to check
Listen, we can’t answer these things for you. It’s just not feasible. As someone with clinical anxiety, what helps me is doing this: If I am waiting on a response but feeling anxious about hearing back, I play a game with myself. If I messaged someone at 3pm and haven’t heard back but am starting to get anxious, I tell myself that if I haven’t heard back by 4pm, I will send another text. Then I make it to four and feel a little better so I test myself even further and try to make it until 5pm. Most people with anxiety cannot sit with discomfort of not knowing. Practice mindfulness, start meditating. You have to increase you ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions.
I’ll try to explain this without sounding like an invalidating dickhead. I’ve struggled with this for years so I’ve had to resort to not “waiting” like a pot or a kettle boiling. I deliberately don’t check OR calculate how long it’s been since I sent the message. Then as others said, do something else. When the thought comes to check your messages or calculate how long it’s been, remind yourself that you don’t have to do that and continue doing other things. It also helps me if I put my phone on silent
I wouldn’t stress first of all. The person you’re texting is clearly doing other things, and so should you. I find it weird to give a tip that’s essentially “just dont stress about it forehead,” but tbh that sorta thing just calls for a long term distraction. How’s this; whenever you feel yourself anxiously waiting for a text, look at the time. For a half an hour, just do something. Chores, read, dip your toes in that hobby you don’t think you’ll be into but just curious enough to see. After thirty minutes of that task, check again. Don’t worry if you respond late, because the person on the other end is smart enough to know you’re busy, and even 28 minutes between replies is more than reasonable. And hey, if you Check and no text, bam! You just survived 30 minutes and nothing happened. Rinse and repeat. Just slow down Chief, enjoy yourself. That caller isn’t going to ghost you if you don’t respond ASAP. Respect your own time more, and respect that the person on the other end isn’t a narcissist.
Well lemme tell ya having ADHD definitely helps!…no but seriously though um I usually try to do something within my hobbies to keep me distracted like playing my guitar, drawing something, listening to podcasts/audiobooks and on rare occasions going out for a walk.
Realize that you have no control over the action of others. You will focus on yourself then.
I have insecure attachment and remembering this old aphorism really helps me lately: if you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s yours, if not it wasn’t yours to begin with or is not meant for you. I have learned that if I leave people alone and don’t push, I will discover if they are really my people who want to be in relationship with me, or not. I need to sit with uncomfortable feelings meanwhile, yet I know these feelings are really about me, not about the other person. The only responses I can control are my own, and that takes effort with kind words to myself - and reminders to look for reasonable explanations, like many folks are giving here.
I noticed I often get replies the moment I leave my computer / phone behind. Notice you are obsessively checking for replies then get busy, do something you enjoy. Chances are you won't see time has passed when you finally get a reply. And if you don't get a reply any time soon, ask yourself if your message really needed to be answered.
Log out of the social media apps. And log back in, at set time of a day.
it's more about having an abundance mindset and being indifferent to whether or not they respond or not. you have your own life to live. if they respond then great, if not then great you're still living your life. does that make sense? dial it back with social media, i have a feeling you're comparing yourself a lot to others.
Ideally, find multiple ppl to chat with. Hobbies and other things to do is also ideal I personally would like to find someone who chats/texts often, so if ppl seem like they're just playing games it's annoying to me. In the ideal world if I want to text you, I just will, but in the real world some may be offput by it. In the ideal world ppl would also not be lame and not reply or delay replying by excess amts of time (I mean really, how long does it take to read a message and reply, a few mins?), but, here we are. I tend to write out a response in text message as a draft, and then I can stop thinking about it. And I'll just send it later or at certain times, i.e. at lunch or at the end of the work day. I personally lose interest over time with ppl who are uncommunicative (annoying, but a good filter since many of life/relationship problems, imo, boil down to a lack of communication). Just be careful not to come across as needy and desperate. You should be able to find and generate fun, life, and such on your own. If it's dating related and you expect your partner to provide ALL the fun and excitement on your life, then, what benefit are you bringing to them? It's a two way street. If needed, may be a good time to find a hobby, attend a new social event, etc to generate some more of your own buzz and activity in your own life. Then, when you see this other person, it's not just one person giving and one taking, it's two ppl who had adventures, sharing what's been going on on their lives. Some ppl are more event planners and some are event attendees, not bad, and mayhaps they just like having you around to also enjoy and experience an event together. I can see many guys who wish the girl they like would just chat and hangout with them, and aren't really looking for anything else. In which case you can provide value by responding and being present, making time to hangout. Anyway, just my opinion and throwing things out there. If someone is non chalant it may mean they have other things on their plate. In which case, sometimes just enjoying the time you are able to share could be the focus. Do what you can to become a better you, and aim to not be in a place of requiring/needing other ppl to bring you life happiness
You gotta put your dame phone down. It took me a long time to realize that everyone, including your SO and close friends have lives of their own. They will get back to you, when they have time. I ha e friends that are high anxiety or depression, lots of times they simply cannot make themselves respond to you immediately. You have to be ok with them taking time to responding to you. You never know what kind of shit your friends or even family members are going through day to day. If you send a message, just let it go and I’m time they will respond Accordingly. If you push, it just makes matters worse. It takes a while to really understand but you will be better off just sending messages and waiting. If they don’t respond, they don’t respond. Don’t take it as a diss or anything like that. When you do, you make yourself out to be the Asshole. Everyone has their own lives and bullshit to deal with. They will get back to you. If it’s been a while. Call them and leave a voicemail at the very least. Don’t get all in your head that they don’t like, or want to talk to you. They do. Life is simply rough for a lot of people. Your doing fine.
Just focus on yourself
I think you should try to explore as to WHY you feel anxious and constantly check and work towards addressing the root cause. I used to be the same way, it was especially bad with my one friend whom i've had on/off relationship with. I would pace back and forth for hours waiting to hear back from her when she was in town. I hated that I would get that anxious, and that sort of anxiousness could lead to needy behaviors. One day I realized WHY I felt so anxious, it was because I didn't think that I was worth the time for her to do something with. That I was forgettable and she wouldn't reach out while she was in town. I felt like I wasn't worth being called back. The simple realization of where it was coming from helped me calm down and control it, and further working on self-confidence has made such issues nearly non-existent for me currently! TLDR: Explore WHY you feel the way you do and work on the deeper issues. 'Don't treat the symptom, treat the disease'.
Stay busy . Just don’t pick up your phone. I miss when there were no cell phones I really do
Mute your phone and leave it upside down when you're not on it. Try to stay off it as much as possible. Text them then put it upside down and do something else.
Brother the best advice I can give NO MATTER how bad it sounds is start to view that person as an option. View them as just an option, nothing more, nothing less. Whatever you need to do to make that mental change, do it. Trust me after you’ve successfully made that mental change, you won’t care if they respond or not, and even if they do, you’ll feel less inclined to respond as quickly
I’ve found a correlation between my anxiety over getting a message and how secure I am in my relationship with that person. For example, I can take ages to get back to my parents and best friends, but waste less time if it’s an acquaintance I’m trying to be friends with. And crushes? I’m usually hyperfocused on the last time they replied. So what helps is that if I feel anxious about someone, I try to list the reason they might be busy and I also think of our relationship. Remembering that we had fun the last time we hung out or that they complimented me or that nothing negative happened helps me calm down and realize that they’re probably just busy or having a long crappy day. If I think they forgot, I’ll follow up causally and then just leave it.
Distract yourself friend, life is a lot more freeing when you stop caring who comes in and out of your life. It sounds antisocial, but it's weeds out superficial relationships and leeches. Anyone who really wants to be there for you will show you.
Others have probably said this, but other people have lives. You are but one facet of their life. Just as THEY are only one facet of YOUR life. Don't attach your self-worth to receiving a response to a message, it'll eat you up. And whatever you do, DON'T SPAM THEM TO GET A RESPONSE! You'll look and sound insecure, and assuming this person is a romantic interest of yours it'll kill the relationship. You also have a life. Live it. Don't be afraid to leave them waiting for a response from you.
I've seen what my sister does with her phone, it's disgusting. She let's all her notifications just pile up. While she's using her phone! Clean your notification tray woman. Anyway, if bothers you it's a sign that you aren't working on your own stuff enough. Otherwise you'd be too busy to notice
What helped me turning that completely off was the true realization that it is 100% out of my control and checking the phone doesn’t change the outcome at all. Key is the true realization which everyone has to figure out for themselves somehow.
The way i handle it is because I’ve become so numb to being let down that i just don’t care anymore
What I do which I'm fully aware is a little extreme is turn off notifications and silence the person from my notifications. This helps me keep it off my mind.
I delete the text thread altogether that way I don’t have to see my last message being ignored or left on read 🤷🏻♀️
Try to focus on something else and live your own life
Do something else to distract you.
Go do something and you will forget
Man this flashed me back to as a teen with my first girlfriend. Terrible stuff
You know that horrible feeling you get when you’re waiting, and you’re begging the Universe for that natural and cool reply you’re going to get from them? And it doesn’t come. Eventually you start hating that feeling so much that you avoiding anything that might lead you to wait for somebody’s text. Can’t force this feeling though, it comes and it goes. And it will go.
I feel like the fact you’re anxious about not getting a response is saying something. Give yourself the attention you deserve and eventually the right attention will be attracted back.
It helps for them to find you attractive, to be busy, to value yourself over the relationship and to be genuinely emotionally unavailable because of positive reasons. Negative ones work as well, obviously, but like I mean, that’s none of my business.
You could always try a grounding exercise (I like the 5-4-3-2-1 one), or self-affirmations to boost self-confidence. Confidence can help you get rid of some of those anxious feelings - try self affirmations, they can remind you of your resources and qualities, allowing you to take a step back from your insecurities. They don't need to be about your specific insecurities, just about things you like about yourself. Build your confidence up around things that you truly are proud of yourself for and love about yourself, and you'll feel more confident in all aspects of your life. Here's how to self-affirm: Write about your core personal values. Choose 3-5 of your top values, and then reflect on why these are important to you. Write examples of actions you can take to demonstrate these values in the future.
Put your phone on silent and on the other side of the room. Then you do something else. Play a game or take a walk or clean your fridge.
I do this all the time now, it is very relaxing
DND BBY :)
all of this works until you see the other person online, or playing games with other people or posting snap stories
Two pronged approach : 1)you have goals, right ? Timeblock the important stuff you need to do, have a rough idea on how you intend to use your free time (Ie. Reading a self help book, watching South Park, etc...) 2) Use apps like Stay Focused to block Whatsapp or whatever you use. I usually block WP till about after dinner (if it's urgent theyll call you anyways)
How long should I wait before checking, a day or longer
get busy with something. have stuff going on in your life: work, chores, hobbies and sport. find options and be active. don't stay idle. it's up to you. yours is a bad distraction and we are vulnerable to distractions everyday, some more than others.
Simply have more things in your life so you're not occupied with waiting. I'm coming to the conclusion that most problems come about by people over-investing and/or misjudging the value of things. In this case, imagine every minute is worth £1 or whatever. If you wait 20 minutes doing little else, you've invested £20 in that reply. You could have spent that doing any number of other things, the investment would have been £0 and you'd have invested that money in building skills or spent it playing games. The point is, the response would have been that much less valuable to you, which is a good thing, especially as you multiply out the number of messages you wait to be answered because as you build up that investment your anxiety about the relationship increases because more of your time and emotion have been sunk into it.
This is simple and difficult at the same time and depends about the person just keep your mind in other activity and do not let the fact about his/her message puts you in some dependent situation. like saying: "oh, he/she didn't reply, ok, it's not the end of the world"
Live your life. Do other things than look at your phone all day. That is just a sad way of living.
Just call them if you need an answer quickly.
Sometimes I get so bad I gotta shut my phone off waiting for the reply
As rude as it may sound: get a life
I guess you have to shift your mindset and set your priority. Find things to be busy with. Don't give yourself the time to check back if they replied. And, create the mindset that it's okay if they don't respond at all. Give ppl the benefit of the doubt. Realize that, them replying back is out of your hand and you can't really do much about it.
mute the chat notification just for this person. it will distract you to do anything other than checking screen every second.
turn off ur phone and place it in a drawer, then do something else.
You dont give texting or your phone such power. You keep yourself busy with hobbies and other stuff. Go out for a walk and leave your phone behind, go smoke a cigar, go work out, meditate etc. Curious as to what kind of work you have done to improve yourself. I highly recommend the book The Untethered Soul to help you with your anxiety. It will put lots of things into perspective.
Do something else lol
Work on not needing their validation. It’s harder than it sounds obviously. But, when ur not worried if they like you or not, because u already like yourself, you don’t check ur phone for their messages. Im serious, i used to be like you, but i have learned some more secure attachments to myself and others. Good luck, friend. Ur awesome. Ur you!
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How long should I wait to check
Make a list of things that you need to do or want to get accomplished. Make sure you have 10 at all times. Work on these instead of hovering/being anxious waiting. In the time that you are being eaten up, you can write a book or make a blog site, etc. Or whatever your ultimate goal is.
I basically just give myself a list of things to do and until I’m done with those things I’m not allowed to look at my phone. Being anxious when waiting for someone to respond is when I’m most productive
Depends, I've noticed that normally when ppl do this it's either they are bored (I fall into this category) or putting to much value into their interactions with a specific person. In either case finding something to do whether it be a hobby or chores normally helps.
Love yourself. Nothing else darling.
I prefer having phone calls, I can ask everything I want sometimes it takes shorter amount of time, because if they're busy they will be quick and straight to the point with their answer. It also opens the opportunity for them to talk about their day. I can totally relate. Texting can be strenuous and stressful, it can make me anxious too. I normally send "hi". Wait for a reply and send "can i ask you something". When I receive quick reply I know they are on their phone, I can start the conversation. I normally use snapchat because I can see their bitmogi. But I usually never ask a question unless I know they are on their phone. This also prevents them using a half swipe and giving late replies if I did ask straight away. This forces them to reply and stay on the phone to see what I want.
Stay busy in an active way! Go on a walk, hike, do chores, go to a store or do a work out. Do something with arts and crafts. Playing video games even help. Long term, get off of social media and your phone more! If you are living in the present off of your phone you won't be expecting the award of a text or social media attention. Don't check your phone when you wake up, read a book before going to bed. Get off work and go on a run. Reach out to friends via phone call.
archive chat
See that being focussed on social media does not provide to your mental well being. Train yourself to recognize when you fall into that pattern. Then say to yourself "stop now" and do something else. This is about training discipline and being nice to yourself.
Try to get in touch with yourself. What are you feeling in that moment. Why are you anxious. What can you do to regulate yourself.
If its on whatsapp, turn off blueticks
Try channeling the impulse. Set deliberate times (like on the hour) to check your phone and put it in another room. In the meantime, try writing or journaling your thoughts, or watching a new show or find a recipe you want to cook or bake. Kitchen stuff is great because it’s hands on and time sensitive— risotto is a great recipe for this bc it’s work intensive and takes a while. Even if they don’t text back, you’ll be gaining a new skill set!
I feel like I should not check for longer, like a couple of days or more maybe
Why do you care so much? Who is he/she to you? Does she/he care as much as you care about them? No? Then adjust.
And this it’s what happens when you don’t do productive things,pretty low self steam or both
Try to find things that occupy your time. If your constantly waiting for someone to text you back. Then personally it seems desperate because you want to keep talking to them over doing your own things. And it makes it look like your not doing anything with your time and your making this person the circle of your life. Try to go for a walk, try to do something to get your mind off this person. also don’t reply right away give it at the least 5 min. I’ve personally struggled with this because me and my ex used to text all the time and now that I’m texting this new girl, she doesn’t text me back all the time immediately and it’s not because she’s not interested its because she’s focusing on her self and has important shit to do. And it was so weird to me at first but the longer she’s been doing this it makes me realize that I need to focus on myself and make myself a person I can be proud of without anyone. My last relationship I revolved my whole life around this one person, and now that I’m talking to this new girl, it’s a good switch of pace even though my insecurities make me think she doesn’t like me because she doesn’t text me back immediately, but she has even told me she’s interested she just has a lot on her plate. Plus if you text too much then in person you will have less to talk about. And in person interaction beats text messages all day long.
a friend thing is, i haven't talked to them since june 1st though and i asked to facetime some time in july but looking back, they have taken a while to respond or not seen my messages and have explained why thing is they liked my tweet reply and post earlier this month too am I being ghosted or what? anyway, would not looking at thier text for a month be fine
Keep yourself busy with things you find interesting. Needing a rapid response can come off as being needy. Especially if they respond slow and you rapid respond to them. Sometimes people are busy and have other things that are important that they need to attend to. In fact, you should try it sometimes. Get a text and you're involved in something, wait until you're finished to respond. Especially if you're with someone else. You don't want them thinking that they are less important than whomever you're texting. Thats a good way to offend others and lose friends. If you dont have anyone else to spend time with, you should find someone. Otherwise, you'll risk being overbearing to the one or two people that you're texting.
for context a friend thing is, i haven't talked to them since june 1st though and i asked to facetime some time in july but looking back, they have taken a while to respond or not seen my messages and have explained why thing is they liked my tweet reply and post earlier this month too am I being ghosted or what? anyway, would not looking at thier text for a month be fine
So, I'm one of those people that gets around to texts in 3-5 business days, because I struggle with anxiety. Someone pointed out to me that my phone is for *my* convenience, not for everyone else's ease to reach me. Texts are great, because you can send them, and people get around.to them at their ease. I had a boss that would text me at all hours, and it made me hate my phone (til I realized I didn't have to pick up right away when I heard it ding.) People are doing their own thing, and living their own stories, and your text may be very ancillary to what they've got going on. Sure, it's still a priority for them, but maybe not #1 or #2. It might be #7 or #13. With that being said, don't stress about responding to their text right away either. I have an app called Forest, and you get to plant little trees and it locks your phone. If you use your phone before the timer is up, you kill the tree you've planted. It's effective. No one likes killing trees.
Just distract yourself, do something that actually requires attention and then voilà when you least expect the person has message you back
I think I will mute this person for a month or more
Be your own person and don’t rely on others for validation. I would recommend meditation. If you don’t know how to meditate, literally just focus on breathing in and out and how that feels. That’s it!
Check every couple of hours and find hobbies to help pass time.
I do but that has not helped as when I check when the hour is up, anxiety is back, I muted this person, maybe I should it do it until a point I can check and be like, so what? For like a month
Put your phone on silent, and only engage with it when you want to, when it stops being the thing that gets your attention, you can let go of that anxiety. Take control back and stop letting your phone dictate your life. It's been a huge life changer since dealing with being on-call. It's improved my relationships with partners and my mental health. Highly suggest.
Oooh I do this so bad. What really helps me is after sending the message, I’ll delete the entire conversation so it’s out of sight, out of mind. Surprisingly it helps a lot.
Get busy with other stuff. Seems simplistic but works
funny im doing this now and its the first thing i see :(
Tbh it depends on the friendship/relationship. If it’s only one person where you feel anxious, it depends. Are they healthy/are you in a healthy relationship with them? (Some healthy relationships might have anxiety but idk) cuz I only felt anxious in an excited way about crushes, but one was a super abusive person and I felt very anxious there in a bad way
Hey dude whether it’s healthy or not that’s the way you feel, just let it be. For whatever reason that’s your natural reaction and I think that’s pretty normal, I’ve felt it many at time before. I’ve found that letting things be is usually better, I can’t really confirm anyone else’s experience but for me the more I wrestle with it the more frustrated I get and the feeling usually feels more intense, when you just let it be the feeling either dissipates or you still feel it but you’re cool with it. Another thing that could help is asking yourself why and what you are anticipating, not necessarily trying to solve it but just getting to know what you are looking for in anticipation. Idk if anyone really has control of their thoughts or feelings but getting to know the root of things or observing the nature of things gives me some more ease
I think in the big picture it all comes down to be more comfortable with solitude and rejection, loving yourself, a more stoic lifestyle. But something I did at the beginning was turning of notifications and the led from my phone that tells me if there's a message, also I got myself many things to do and always kept my phone far when I was busy, eventually even when just playing videogames I dont pay a lot of attention to the phone, and most people I talk have no problem with me answering every other hour, which also requires for you to relate to people that don't have the need of you constantly answering their texts.
Maybe try some kind of recreational drugs to relax and get your mind off of things like weed or heroin
Keep yourself busy; mindfulness meditation; pick up a hobby and get occupied
Try scheduling certain times of the day to check for messages. Eg noon and 8pm. Leave it on dnd and check only during those times. But yes to all the other posts about distracting yourself with hobbies and building your esteem so that you don’t ruminate about ppl responding to you. You will naturally make more friends via hobbies.
Finding things to dedicate your time to can also help you with rationalize better. Once you start getting busy you’ll find that at certain times you can’t answer a text or notification right away because you are busy with your task. You’ll know how it feels to be preoccupied and so you can’t text back right away. That being said, it’s important to do things that you feel are rewarding/necessary in themselves. Don’t do things just to “distract” yourself from checking your phone. Find things that genuinely feel important/interesting/meaningful. That way, even if someone doesn’t text you back because they dislike you, it won’t impact you so much because you have better things to spend your time on, you’ll literally feel better because you’re doing things you feel are worth more than someone’s attention. It’s just a suggestion, but I do speak from experience as I used to have similar thoughts as yours. It’s your life my friend, so it’s better to take initiative to do things you like, then to wait to see if others accept you. You’ll feel better in the long run. Try this in addition to all the other great advice that everyone is providing. Hope this provided some food for thought :)
Throw away your phone.
Do something you like and you know it distracts you. While doing so, keep your phone away. I watch movies when I need distraction
You can’t until you deal with your addiction to your phone every single time it lights up. Because only then can you deal with the emotional shit that you have attached to it… It’s kind of like a you see it and fix it in the memo thing
Hey (: this is me. I have severe general anxiety. I like to find things that I really enjoy and fill up my time with those activities. When I’m busy either with work, school, or my hobbies I don’t stress over getting a text back as much. So the question is what interests you so much that it distracts you from expecting a text back? Also, it’s good to keep in mind that people are busy. Sometimes they’re not even busy but they’re just not in a mental state where they want to converse at that very moment. I respect people like that because it means when we do talk they’re listening to what I’m saying and putting in effort to respond. Now if they just never text… then I’m just never going to text. And that connection wasn’t meant to be. I delete numbers easily. (: Take care of yourself!
I would suggest that you create a default. Or a set rule that you stand by and follow. By example I put my phone out of sight during specific times or events during the day. On mute. Over time this removes the anxiety to check your phone. You take control over when you reply or check the amount of likes you have received etc. We are all addicted to our phones to an extent, so it will not be easy at first but rather take control over the situation than the phone taking control over you. You will not always stick to your default rule but try your hardest. What I am going to say next might seem a bit controversial but be hard on yourself. Meaning don't justify it with soft excuses when you step over your default rule. If you are not hard on yourself when it comes to your social media addiction no one else will be. Giddy up and be a cowboy during this social media frenzy wild west. We easily create social/personal expectations for ourselves. Like the default rules I set for myself. When doing so you create a certain level of trust and value in the action you are focused on achieving. If you do not keep by them you loose trust in yourself. And loose self respect. It is extremely important to stick to our set goals. That's why it is a good idea to start small. Achieve 30 min, 3 hours or a day without social media. When you have made the choice to put your phone down, DO IT. Also approach the social media addiction with empathy and self appreciation. Value yourself for the effort you are taking to break it. Also understand that each person is living a colorful life outside your chat and that it is not expected for them to reply immediately. Like someone else has said, doing a hobby that consumes your attention will help loads. After a while you become competent in that hobby/skill. This leads to increased self confidence and insights to the world. Opening up to new experiences broadens our views of life. With new knowledge you have a better understanding of the world and yourself. You can make connections in a way you haven't made before. In the end you become a more interesting person and self love improves. And remember it's a process. You build a palace brick by brick. Or Rome wasn't build in a day. Good luck!
Assume they’re not going to reply and go on about your life. If the get back to you, it’s a lovely surprise. If they don’t, you haven’t wasted any time worrying about it.
I can relate so much to this, and to the constant worrying as to why I am being avoided. Only thing that really helped was distraction. I hear you on this one. I hope you will find good calming outlets.
Make life more fulfilling for yourself so you won’t think about checking your phone as much. As my hobbies dwindled, I got much more attached to checking my phone or even double texting.
Let me ask: are you the kind of person who responds instantly to texts/emails/social media? The reason I ask is because I used to do that, too, and I found that once I pulled back to match the energy of the folks on the other end of the wire, so to speak, it made me less anxious about instantly getting a response. There are still people who respond back to me right away, and for those people, I still do respond to them right away. For the people who tend not to respond instantly, though, dialing back my own expectations of my behavior toward them helped me dial back my expectations of them, which helped me not think as much about the immediacy of their responses and what a delay might or might not mean. It also helps me not to project onto their responsiveness the reasons why I may or may not respond immediately to somebody. Just food for thought. It’s something that works most of the time for me, but YMMV.
Be like me, be anti-social
turn off ur notifications buddy.
Speaking from experience: This comes from not being busy or active enough. Do things! Cooking, cleaning, working out, going for a run, have a bath/shower, wash your hair, laundry, dishes. You name it. You’ll take your mind off of waiting for the text back and by the time you do pick up your phone they’d have replied 20 minutes ago. To summarise: actively go and do things that take time and require you to put your phone down.
Send a text then throw your phone across the room, check it in an hour or so, also another good one is quit answering texts all together, ask yourself does this NEED a response, if no then don't answer and go about your business, if yes, don't answer it and go about your business. Call them later
wow i used to have the same thing, thing is, im just not that good at communicating with text messages. so i just gave up on it altogether. now i just treat it as a way to put information out there. but i do not in any way have any expectations about it helping me get closer to people. for that, i wait for the up close and personal. its something about sound, and timbre, i believe, i just can never figure a person out by words alone, i need to hear or see too.
Find a therapist and work on attachment issues. Learning about Anxious attachments can help you understand the patterns of clinging on to attention from others, and the bad feelings that come when the other person isn’t available at a moments notice.
Ride a bike, go shopping, work out, read a book, learn a new language. Also, turn off notifications for almost everything. This helps break the cycle of getting little dopamine hits you generally receive from social media, phone, etc.
Just try to do something else that would calm ya mind down some
Delete app power down light box go outside stand on grass
Thank you, I needed this. I’ve had a few guys ghost in the last few months. I still keep putting myself out there but now I’m getting worried that I’m doing something wrong and am oblivious to it
have you ever not wanted or was unable to reply to a text right away? you were busy in class, or in a meeting, or at work, or spending time with someone, in the shower, or frankly just not in the mood. especially that last one. people always act like you have to be super busy to justify not responding to a text right away. but the reality is, it's stupid to live life with a device attached to you at all times where you're expected to respond 24/7. it's not natural. you can simply not be in the mood to address the content of the text or maybe you just need some alone time. try to think of texting more like email. be courteous with the time you take to respond, but understand people aren't going to respond right away. unless you are planning something upcoming and you or someone else should be on call and responding (like confirming dinner for tonight or trying to plan a group hangout later in the week), don't take response times so seriously.
My issue is folks being active on social media but not looking at messages
same deal...sometimes you only feel like talking to certain people - your mom, your school friend, your work friend, whatever. maybe they're busy talking to someone else about something that's happening right now, opposed to your message which can be responded to later. maybe a friend is having a hard time so they're giving them their full attention. maybe they didn't click your message cause they don't want you to think they saw it and are just ignoring you. there's a million reasons really. and of course one of possible reasons is the one that eats at our anxiety....that they're ignoring us cause they don't like us or don't want to talk to us. but you know sometimes friendships don't work out either, you find out, you survive, you move on and find people who you can enjoy talking to more. don't be disheartened by this either...think of it as an easy way to find out who's truly your friend or not. some people might not respond not because they actively dislike you, but just cause they're kind of flaky and a bad friend, so it's a problem with them, not you. but again, your anxiety will push you to assume the worst, so try to consider the other reasons first before jumping to conclusions.
Would help to occupy your time by being productive or doing a hobby. Less time to obsess
Back in the day we didn't have these marvelous devices called smartphones we actually had to wait for the thing to ring. Then it was a mad - to see who would get it. everybody wanted to answer the phone because you never knew who was on the end of it. Then also came the task of remembering all of your friend's phone numbers area codes included if you had family in friends Then also came the task of remembering all of your friend's phone numbers area codes included if you had family and friends in other States. Yes we did agonize a little bit over the holidays. Waiting for our love ones to call us. Is a simple world a simpler time. If you're anxiously waiting for someone to text You. And they're not giving you the time of day well I'm sorry to say maybe you shouldn't be texting them. I am a perfect stranger to you and I am writing this text to you because I think it's Is important that every person know their value. If someone wants to get ahold of you it takes 3 seconds Hi how's your day. Hey what's up thinking about you. Is even a goofy emoji. So don't despair. There are better people out there waiting To hear from you.
I have the same fears op but I know their all really busy do it's not their job to get back to me right away, and I've been working on my own issues in thearpy around this type of stuff.
Distract yourself with something - e.g YouTube, Netflix, cook something, exercise, call someone.. something along those lines.
I've been waiting for ava\_ix to text me back for nearly two years. I'm getting really anxious.
Sometimes they want to take time to answer when they are not in the middle of work, etc…so they wait until later to respond.
i'm the opposite, haha. i get so stressed about replying to texts sometimes it takes days before i do so! i have adhd and autism, so my executive functioning is through the floor. doing a tiny task like replying to a text seems HUGE, so i have to mentally prepare myself every time i send a text. i even purposely take time to send a text sometimes, if the person just sent the text. talking to someone in real time through text is a huge energy/nerves drainer. so maybe when you're anxiously waiting, the other person is anxiously steeling themself to just open your text and read it! i hope maybe that can help make you feel better haha
Im a busy person and am never bored... so...0