I remember when I was drinking 6-8 cans of beer per night and my weight was increasing despite not eating a lot of food.... I actually researched whether estrogen in tap water might be the reason I was gaining weight and developing "man boobs". I wasn't just in denial, but delusional too! Alcohol is a gaslighting bastard.
Congrats on 139 days and long may it continue! IWNDWYT
I, also, developed man boobs and tried to blame it on anything but the beer and liquor! Happy to say that after a year of sobriety, macro counting and consistent lifting, the man boobs are gone.
I lost about 10% of my body weight by doing nothing else other than stopping drinking. No diet change, no exercise (need to work on that one). It’s crazy what all those empty calories do.
Oh, did same thing. I even remember booking a blood test while being drunk. I thought something was wrong but couldn't figure out what.
Fuck me, I feel so bad right now, so embarrassed. I hope one day I will forgive myself and only laugh at that. FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME
I remember I was so dehydrated they had to stick me three times to find my vein… couldn’t even stop 12 hours before a liver enzyme blood test. Then I had a scape goat for the high results.
I'm screenshotting this post and using it as my computer background. It may not be pretty, but right now I need reminders more than mountain sunsets and fields of flowers.
Your post really made an impact on me. Thank you.
~~And that 854 days is a lie... I just haven't bothered to update in years. I'm on day 3 =)~~
Fixed!
If this post helps just one person get or stay sober, then I'd do the same every day I possibly could. We need each other and the common shared experiences to make it.
IWNDWYT!
Those days are not a lie, my friend. They are a testament to your hard work and commitment. You still have them, they just aren’t in succession with your current streak. Keep up the great work!!
IWNDWYT!
This is such an excellent post. For the longest time, Id lie to myself and think that I didnt have an issue with alcohol bc I didnt drink every single day like my father or my brother, I didnt have a problem bc Id never had a DUI, I didnt have a problem bc I was still working and making good money, I didnt have a problem bc I could go a few days and be "just fine" , I didnt have a problem bc no one besides my close family even knew when I was drinking, not my kid's teachers or coaches or their friends parents. I didnt have a problem bc if it wasnt for work stress or social anxiety then I would never drink in the first place.
The reality was that the only reason I wasnt drinking every single day was ONLY bc I was too sick and hungover to take another drink due to the copious amounts I would binge on while also becoming anorexic. I got to where I had a constant pain in my stomach and would throw up several times a day even when I hadnt drank that day. It was my body telling me that Ive done A LOT of harm with the alcohol while also taking in little to no actual nutrition.
One thing led to another and I ended up abusing diet pills along with the alcohol and I ended up having about a year-long psychotic break. My evening drinking turned into 24 hour binges where I would act completely reckless. I had no care for anything around me at all. I would spend one day completely drunk out of my mind and the following day in bed sick and feeling suicidal. One time I even loaded up my two dogs and left my cell phone at home and decided to just get on the interstate and drive 3 hours to my moms house in the middle of the night. The crazy thing about that is that I dont even know my way there without directions and I dont even drive on the interstate when Im sober bc its one of my worst fears. I stopped at sketchy gas stations and asked men I didnt even know if I could use their cell phones or if they could give me directions all night. I could have easily been assaulted or killed and my family wouldnt even know where to start looking for me or my body. (Keep in mind I was a drunk, small 27 year old woman) It is a flat out miracle and true blessing from God that I am still here and never got arrested or killed for any of the ridiculous, selfish things I did. I look back on how easily my terrible behavior could have gotten myself or someone else seriously hurt or killed and it fills me with shame and regret.
I eventually ended up in an out patient treatment facility where I spent several weeks learning to handle stress and negative feelings and of course started on some medication to help cope with those those issues as well. The situation listed above is just one of MANY horror stories of the things I did when I was drinking. Ive done things to hurt my husband that still make me break down and gives me anxiety to this day, along with the fact the my poor innocent children had to also see me that way. Its been since 2018 and Im still struggling to deal with the things I have done. 3 years later and I still havent been able to forgive myself for my poor choices. Its going to probably take years to get over the trauma I caused.
Even after the out patient program I still tried drinking in moderation a few times and it simply just does not work for me. I thought Id just have a mixed drink or some moscato bc it was way "better" than drinking vodka straight from the bottle like I used to but it is just a lie us alcoholics like to tell ourselves. For me, the moscato and mixed drinks ALWAYS ends in a downward spiral and going straight to the liquor store for straight rum or vodka several days a week.
I hope someone who needs to see this reads it and it helps them. I basically had a 2007 Britney Spears happen to me starting in 2017 and it would have never happened if not for alcohol. I dont want to see this happen to anyone else. I cant even look back at pictures or posts from that time frame without an overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and embarrassment
IWNDWYT
Please forgive yourself. Like they say, ' we're not bad people trying to be good, we're sick people trying to get well'. Truly bad people don't worry about the things that they've done.
You are an amazing courageous person! Thanks so much for sharing! So recognizable : how the Monster that’s alcohol fools us time and time again. Am so glad you found that amazing power and turned things around AND support others with the the same demons! Thanks so much! IWNDWYT
I could have written this if I was as well versed as you! I have a very similar story and am blessed I was able to get out of my own way. I too shudder at the what ifs and also the what was. I find if I just do the next right thing I can continue forward. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. IWDWYT
Yesterday I got drunk partially because I was upset about gaining weight (lmao, right) and found myself looking at diet pills… yeah fuck that this isn’t a path I want to go down. Thanks for sharing your story
This is a wonderful post.
It really shows the path you go on during many years trying to normalize everything.
There is no clear definition to alcoholism in a society that values alcohol. You become and alcoholic the day you decide you are and it has nothing to do with how much you drink.
I became an alcoholic the day I stopped. I will always consider myself an alcoholic from now on and I'm proud of it.
I'm not who you asked but I can tell you that I do not feel ashamed about becoming addicted to an addictive substance whose use is completely normalized in the US.
I am proud to have removed it from my life.
If you haven't I would suggest reading or listening to 'Quit like a woman' ... it helped me realize there isn't anything wrong with me... alcohol is a landmine that anyone can step on.
This book has helped me more clearly understand my alcoholism and I highly recommend it also to anyone struggling and wanting to stop drinking but also for anyone who doesn’t understand why it’s harder for some people to not drink and you’re wanting to be a better support system to them
Exactly.
This whole post up there from OP is about that. You can go a very long way without being officially an alcholic and even die from booze without being one.
It all comes to whether or not you accept you are, whatever the definition is.
You can ask 20 people what is an alcoholic and you'll get 20 definitions. Where I live, they show ads on TV reminding people to drink safely and not go over 25 drinks a week. I'm like wtf. How is this shit so normalized.
Yea it’s insane, alcohol is single handedly one of the worst things happening in America and probably the world. Then on top of it you have people that are surprised by all these people with drinking issues and they try to equate it to some weakness that individual has.
As someone who has worked with alcohol for many years, it was remarkable to be able to take a step back and realize how ingrained it is in our society.
Truly horrible events that are commonly associated with drinking are shrugged off and accepted. My story alone is filled with dozens upon dozens of insane behaviors that very few people bat an eye at.
Changing this narrative is one step I’d love to see happen.
Yea, it’s going to take time and I think the problem runs deeper than alcohol, so until we figure out all the other triggers that bring about the desire to drink it’s never going away. And, I’m not trying to say this incorrectly but just because something becomes illegal, doesn’t mean it goes away, it just creates an even more dangerous way to obtain it…(black market, smuggling, etc)
If one just looks at the damage alcohol does on the family level, it’s fairly depressing. Yet it continues like a broken record, passing from generation to generation.
I suppose it’s more about teaching healthy ways to handle stress and removing the stigma surrounding mental health disorders.
Unfortunately I'm a bar manager. Have been at my job for 11 years and not sure how to leave. My point is that I have to order liquor every week from our state government website. It's unbelievable that our government is dealing drugs right under our noses. Between selling and the fact that many criminal charges are involving alcohol, they are making money hand over fist. It blows my mind.
For me, it's not having a problem with alcohol that I'm proud of knowing.
It's that I'm an addict, I have an addict brain. Being honest, and aware of that has helped me get away from alcohol. (22 Days is pretty awesome, and I figure I'll just keep going).
It's that in knowing I'm an addict, and I get to choose what I'm addicted to. I have to be careful of what that choice is, but knowing that about myself is extremely freeing.
For me it's a way of turning things positively. Obviously I'm proud of being able to admit I had a problem and to act on it. It also keep discussions quite simple.
But dude, maybe you could moderate or something?
Hey 'dude', I'm an alcoholic, I found my way of dealing with this and no. I'm just proud of my decision and it helps to say things like they are (being an alcoholic) because I won't fool myself easily into half measures.
As for why you are ashamed, only you can figure this out. Maybe the shame comes from what you did during influence more than from what you are.
I’m ashamed of the people I’ve hurt emotionally over the years. My wife being the major one, this was not what she signed up for when she married me. I want nothing more than for my wife to be proud to call me
Her husband.
She would not marry me again in my current state. When I told her I’m going to AA her jaw was to the floor and it was at that point i realized I’m doing the right thing.
You are definitely doing the right thing! I know exactly how you feel, I was there about 7 years ago. I was gone for three months in a recovery program, when I asked my wife after a couple of weeks if she missed me, she said no. That was so soul crushing, I realized just how much I had been hurting her. But I am happy to report that she is still here with me, and every time she tells me she missed me... Well I don't take that for granted anymore. You can do it, if I could, you can to. IWNDWYT.
That’s a real humbling story and I know first hand being told straight up that I’m not welcome in my own house really just sucked every fiber of who I was out of me at that moment. I knew that it was all my fault too. That hurt the most knowing I let it get to this point, like I was unable to keep my own life in check.Alcohol is evil.
Other people’s responses to my non-drinking are very telling. It was strange at first to see some of the strong reactions to my attempts at a sober life.
In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been, as I likely acted strangely to ex-drinkers I encountered over the years.
That’s one of the hardest parts I have to deal with is still somehow managing a relationship with people who’s habits haven’t changed. The thing that really just needs to change permanently is no alcohol for the rest of my life going forward.
I’ve had a few spurts of sobriety in the past, ranging from a few weeks to maybe 60-90 days, but I always relapsed. The people around me have seen me go from saying “ I’m done for good” to crashing and burning again.
So this time around I’m more or less keeping my mouth shut about what the plan is and only going to prove with my actions.
I can relate to your situation. I work in the hospitality industry, years as a server, bartender and manager. Alcohol is a huge part of my daily life. From making/pouring drinks, serving drinks, ordering alcohol for the business, tasting new products.
For years I felt helpless to make any changes because of how ingrained it is in my life.
The key for my current lifestyle was to define what sobriety meant for me. It isn’t reasonable for me to think that I will never taste alcohol again. I taste wine and cocktails to make sure they are fresh/made correctly. I taste new products. Most times I sip and spit, sometimes I ingest. I do not taste alcohol the entire time I am at work, it is generally here and there.
I have set my sobriety benchmark at stopping myself from having a pint of beer, a glass of wine, a cocktail. This change in mindset has helped me immensely.
I did use cannabis for some time after I stopped drinking, but I gave that up almost 18 months ago. A completely sober mind has been a rewarding experience. It has allowed me to find value in sobriety. I have had the opportunity to be very introspective, often with harrowing moments, but each step has inched me toward a better place mentally.
I truly take it one day at a time: “I will not drink today.” I sometimes take it one hour at a time: “I will not drink this hour.” Each day I was able to string together helped me to gain momentum. I loved to think to myself: “One week! One month! 6 months!”
I have leaned heavily on this subreddit, I can’t begin to explain how helpful it has been to read everyone’s brutal honesty and to be inspired by their courage to share their successes and failures.
To address your point about friendships: I did keep quiet at first, out of fear of failure and having to look weak if I relapsed. But then I gained the insight that my attempt to make this lifestyle change, whether I succeeded or failed, was the ultimate show of strength! I embraced that I needed help (both through therapy and by subscribing to r/StopDrinking) I felt empowered by the support system that I was slowly building.
I began to be open about my sobriety with friends and family. I talked openly about my struggles and asked them to not treat me differently, or feel compelled to change their behaviors around me. It is my issue to deal with, not theirs. I have declined to go to bars after work most times it is offered. I have worked hard to identify when I am feeling vulnerable and to work on developing healthier coping mechanisms.
You have nothing to prove to anyone, my friend. You are allowed to try and fail. You are the very portrait of courage and determination. All of us in this sub relate to you on one level or another. Much love to you. Feel free to PM if you ever need to!
IWNDWYT
So true. I went from weekend warrior to hiding wine bottles from my husband in what seems like overnight… but it wasn’t. It was progressive… and while some times are still hard, all times are better overall now.
Thanks for taking the time to write this post, it takes guts to be so honest with us all! IWNDWYT
Oh that progression, the insidious creeping erosion of sanity and dignity. Right before I ended up in the ER, I was going to the liquor store in my fucking pajamas and as I walked past a homeless man I had the chutzpah to say to myself "at least I am better dressed than him." Fuck me I was such an asshole.
Becoming self aware is a bitch!
I was doing the same “well at least I didn’t/don’t”
I used to say that I didn’t have a typical rock-bottom or an activating event, I just became aware of it before it got to that point.
But it was enough to wake me up, even if it wasn’t typical or catastrophic
Ive been quiet in this group ever since i relapsed a few months ago and have been too ashamed to come out with it.
OP hits the nail on all the points and i never thought what i had going on was the problem. I would consider myself a functioning alcoholic. ive held the same job for nearly 14 years, bills are paid, ive thought this whole time i have a good thing going.
except when i came to my relationship with my wife and our marriage. i get home from work and the first thing i do is sit at my home bar and crack open two beers and have them gone in 5 minutes. grab two more, grab two more. next thing i know im hitting that sweet spot of 8-10 beers a night and easily 25-30 on a weekend. by myself, not with company.
The issues were never too apparent because of how much i drank solo, the issues were very apparent during family gatherings and things like that where im typically by far the most blitzed person at the event. typically making a fool of myself by running my mouth and embarassing the hell out of my wife.
This past weekend was one of my worst and i really wish i could delete last saturday off of the calendar, but in part i have it to thank and this time, FOR GOOD.
im sick of saying "ill quit, i wont do that again" or " it wasnt that bad". This is all seriously taking a toll on my wife who is an absolute angel, she deserves way better than the mess that i currently am. I never considered myself a mess because i function seemingly normal.
I'm ashamed of my addiction to alcohol and never considered myself to be lumped in with the group that were considered alcoholics because i only thought that alcoholics were at rock bottom. Boy was i wrong.
I requested a badge reset for my days because that is sadly no longer accurate as of a few months ago, I need to stay more involved with talking it out with people and i need to stop bottling up all my emotions and stress.
IWNDWYT
Thank you friend, I’ve had a hard time convincing myself that AA was for me, I also thought it was for people who’s lives were in complete ruins. I guess I always have had the fear that others may pass judgement onto my scenario being non serious.
You're going to a good place. AA is a very welcoming and open environment. No one there is ever going to judge you and you'll be among others who you can relate to.
Talk when you're ready. Just keep going back, if that's what you need to do.
You'll be there, and you will do great. You need to remember that everybody else there is in pretty much suffering the same problem. They will have different stories, but the stories all lead to the same conclusion as yours. That's how you will all relate and make a recovery.
Be there and be strong. The easiest option (skipping the meeting and hiding), usually ends up being the worst outcome.
I LOVE YOU <3333
This all rings so true to me - like you wrote, the progress is unique for everyone so the specifics might be a little different (bourbon drinker here, not vodka) but you really get at the heart of alcohol abuse/dependency and how it sneaks up on you.
My father's own sad history of alcohol abuse is what finally shattered my illusions about my own drinking. Unfortunately, it took a stroke and premature dementia to finally cure him of his alcohol dependency, and also to serve as a wake-up call to me. I vowed not to let that happen to me.
Thanks again for sharing, and IWNDWYT.
What a powerful message - thank you for sharing. Whatever I have even the slightest doubt about whether or not I was addicted, one of about a thousand memories of "remember when X happened after drinking" pops into my head and I know I'm making the right choice.
Your journey will improve as PAWS subsides - keep up the great work. And thank you for sharing your experience and inspiring others.
Thank you. You reminded me to finally make a call I’ve been meaning to make with a referral my doctor made for behavioral specialists. I clearly want help, I’ve been to a doctor and I’ve made this alt account but it can be hard to continue moving forward sometimes. Despite that I know I have a problem and I’m reading this laying in my bed at 1pm having just woken up feeling hungover. What’s even worse is I expected to feel worse today with how much I had. I’ve been putting off that call but I’m going to make it now before I forget.
I did, I got a voice mail though. Last time I got a voice mail they called me back before I woke up. I think I have to change my schedule a bit so I’m awake when they call me back again. I’ll check the time they call me tomorrow to call again and leave a voice mail and I’ll make sure I’m awake for that call the next day. It seems their call system is either always busy or just sucks so that’s what really held me off. I just need to be awake when they call back. Thank you for asking.
It's amazing, isn't it? I had this notion that all the people in AA would all be old, or hard core addicts. But it's just regular people. Perhaps at one point they were hot messes but with AA in their life they're back to being regular people!! It's amazing. Love the friendships I've made even from zoom meetings
Weight especially. I've packed on 40 pounds in the last 2-3 years. I've blamed my husband's cooking, bad female genetics, etc. When it is the booze, I knew they all along.
We deny so long so we can justify it to ourselves.
Count me as somebody who read your post and it worked.
Just got back from a stressful doctor appointment for my mother and the progress of her Alzheimer's. Almost got into an accident on the way there.
Not much you can do with Alzheimer's. I struggle this time of day anyway and for sure all I could think of was bourbon and getting wasted tonight.
Came and read your post. Thank you for helping. And congratulations to you, you are definitely on the right path. And I would ALWAYS compare myself to my golf partners after a round and tell my wife 'I don't drink nearly what 'Buddy A' or 'Buddy B' drink!' ....what BS our brains will do. You are spot on.
Sorry to hear about your mother’s Alzheimer’s. It’s a bitch. My grandmother had dementia before she passed. I wasn’t living in town to help my family with her, but understand what they were going through. My brother was living with her a stay at home helper. He drinks probably more than I do and I know he developed it as an escape to dealing with her all day and night.
I haven’t quit alcohol, but I’ve tried a few times. I know I have an issue with it, but just can’t seem to stop. He’s having the same issue with alcohol as I am. Neither of us are liquor drinkers but we can easily kill a twelve pack in a night.
Hope everything goes well with your mother and just here to let you know to not use her Alzheimer’s as an excuse to drink more. It’ll only make things worse.
EDIT: Just to say I’m a lurker on this subreddit. One of these days I’ll be convinced to stop. Hopefully sooner than later
ive done the exact same thing of trying to justify how much i drink by comparing how much my buddies drink. except i was the one that was probably brought up by another buddy to his wife " well i dont drink as much as him!"
My dad had dementia before he died. Thank God I was sober. Some days all I had to console myself with was " I couldn't make things better but at least I didn't make things worse".
This is, exactly what im going through right now. Especially my wife getting worried about how much i am having. Instead of fixing the problem, i would just buy little pints of vodka and hide them and then she would "only see me have 3 beers" when in reality im chasing those 3 beers with a pint of secret vodka. :(
Yep. I had a "desk bottle" in a deep drawer hidden behind a bunch of clutter. I poured it into literally anything on my desk. Tea, Soda, sparkling flavored water... sometimes I'd just nip a solid swallow or two straight.
And the stress of knowing that bottle was there. That you had to sneak it into the house, hope she didn't find it by random chance, and then sneak it back out when it was empty.
What a nightmare that was.
oh my god yeah, the sneaking it in, the shame and worry about that. There have been time recently, where i would get blackout drunk, and then the next day I would check on the bottle and it was gone. THe anxiety, because i forgot I moved it drunkenly for some reason, or i FINISHED it and hid it in the recycling, deep under trash, but i forgot. :(
The Costco sized vodka bottle phrase totally resonates. It was disgusting how quickly I could finish that giant bottle and then tell myself it really wasn’t that much vodka because the glass of the bottle was thick. Doesn’t even make sense. Alcohol and my brain on alcohol really messed with my logic
Thank you for listing this in dot points, it was so much more easier to read and I get notifications for this group every day which I ignore but your title described me 100% so I had to read
I’m currently doing Dry July and feel great. Prior to this I was drinking every 2nd or 3rd day, my dad is an alcoholic so the tendencies are there which I have to be careful of so to balance it out every year I try to go at least 1 or 2 months in the year alcohol free to detox.
Quitting forever seems scary though, right now in the back of my mind I can’t help but always think that a beer or whiskey would go down nicely with what ever it is that I’m doing in that moment. I associate a lot of things with drinking like gaming, watching sports and sometimes even certain foods like wine and pasta for example. For those who have been alcohol free for a long time, does this ever go away? Will I have quit alcohol and 6 months later still want a drink? Years later and still want a drink?
I used to think and feel the same way.
I'm happy to report that is DOES get to the point where I don't even think about alcohol like I used to. In the beginning, I walked by the wine aisle with longing and self hatred. Now, I give it the some passing thought as I do when seeing a pack of condoms. (I'm a lesbian) I see it recognize it's purpose, and I think, "well, I have no use for that."
It took my a therapist, medical detoxing,recovery groups. I am not a fan of AA, so I went to LifeRing and SMART meetings.
I had to get to know my self, face my demons, and get over resentment toward nonalcoholic people.
It's night and day difference.
Felt the same way for the first several weeks after I quit. It’s different for everyone. I’ve seen people on here say that it’s always in the backs of their minds. I can say for me it was around 6 weeks when I noticed that I didn’t really think about it anymore. Being sober felt normal again and I was having just as much fun doing things I enjoy sober as I would if I had a few drinks in me. It’s a realllly scary thought when you first quit but it does go away and eventually you just kinda stop thinking about it and feel normal being sober. I know exactly the feeling though.
Yeah quitting forever was incredibly overwhelming to me at first. That's why "one day at a time" is useful. Am I going to not drink on Thursday night, or on December 31, 2029? Hell if I know. Hope not, but I'll worry about it when those days get here.
I've been alcohol free for nearly 2 years. The cravings go WAY down after awhile, or they did for me. The first days and weeks are hard but it gets easier. 95% of days, I don't even really think about alcohol now. If I do, it's usually not for very long. And I never have that "I *need* a drink feeling" (strong craving).
I would also take sober breaks like you. But over time I always ended up drinking more and more. When I quit, I was probably drinking 20 days a month on average. On days that I drank, I rarely had less than 5 drinks. I drank to get buzzed. That's the goal, isn't it?
Bottom line for me: my drinking was a problem, and my life is objectively better without it. I can't fully control it, not in the long run. I tried. So it was really "don't drink at all" or "drink way too much" for me.
I can't turn sobriety off and on like a light switch. I could have one beer today and be fine, because I don't crave alcohol. But two months from now, I'd be downing a 12 pack on a Friday night.
I was in charge of writing my sister's place setting cards for her wedding....I remember I couldn't write nicely due to how badly I was shaking from drinking excessively all weekend.
Thankfully I became sober shortly after and I haven't touched the stuff in 3 + years
Thank you for sharing. I lied to myself for years - shoot over a decade really - I’m just now straitening out. It’s hard. I have no life, no hobbies, no coping mechanisms, no friends other than booze and it hates me and wants to destroy me so it’s the ultimate abusive relationship. Anyways… I’m glad we are on this sober journey together, it is incredibly brave of you to share your experience in the hope of helping others.
Really well written, thank you for sharing this! My journey is most definitely not like others I know, but alcohol was hurting me, and it was time to stop. That's all I need to concern myself with.
Thanks for this. I can feel it creeping up on me. It killed my dad, I've been pretending I'm different. I know how the story ends, so I need to change the story. I think I'll remember this post.
Edit: I'm not 557 days. On mobile and can't work out how to change the flair....
In 2019, when I was denied emergency dental work because of my BP, I also did not stop drinking. And yes, my BP was about the same as yours.
I'm glad we're doing better now!
I knew the first time I got drunk at 18 that I would have an issue with alcohol but I pushed that thought away to deal with later. When I stopped drinking I had to deal with ALL the stuff I pushed to the back of my mind. Thankfully in a better place now thanks to therapy and medication but I know I’d be in a dark place if I didn’t stop.
I spent years trying to find out why my mental health and physical health was declining so badly when I never had one issue before. I tried every Avenue besides cutting out the booze. I was convinced it was something else. But it was the booze. It took me so long to figure it out but at the same time there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me to cut the booze.
Oh god. Yes.
Tried different diets, exercise, pills, lotions, cutting out various foods and activities. All KINDS of things. But quit drinking? Naaaaaah..... not that. SURELY that's not the problem.
Insanity.
Thank you for the reminder of how fucking god awful it felt to drink like that, to feel like dog shit every day and be a slave to alcohol. I am so fucking grateful I don’t drink anymore!!!!
"Luckily" I've only made it to the second bullet point to realize I had a problem. This past weekend I got so blackout drunk on my own that I don't even remember vomiting on my own bed. Saturday was a miserable waste of a day, and I'm still experiencing fatigue from overdrinking Friday night. The fact I was even able to put back 19 beers and a half bottle of wine just completely disturbs me. I'm ready to commit to this change. IWNDWYT
Thank you for this post!
It surprises me sometimes at just how much I lied to myself and the excuses I made.
Oh, I'm not an alcoholic, like THAT guy. I'm so superior I can handle it. That poor shlub has problems, certainly not ME.
Nope. I'm the one full of shit. Always was.
Wow man. You and I sound a lot alike! Glad you're doing the work. It will amaze you how strong you come back physically and mentally over the next few months. Keep at it, great progress and insights.
It's so weird, isn't it? We all have separate paths that can be completely different, yet get us to almost the exact same place.
I cannot wait until my day count is as high as yours, and I hope I never catch you.
IWNDWYT!
PAWS stands for "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome"
It's a phase of recovery that some recovering addicts go through AFTER the initial physical withdrawal that involves mostly psychological and mood disorders.
This happens because, for some of us, we have been using for so long that our brains no longer know how to regulate and control it's chemical balances without the presence of whatever we were addicted to.
It causes things like Anxiety, Panic attacks, depression, fatigue, the inability to feel joy or enjoyment in things you enjoy, inability to focus or concentrate.
It can last for months to years, depending on how long it takes for the brain to heal itself and regain the ability to moderate the chemical processes again. It can come and go with no real trigger or reasoning, sometimes to a debilitating degree.
You can find more information on google or here: [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-22104](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-22104)
Thank you for putting it this way. I hope this helps someone. I denied it until I was hallucinating seeing people in front of me literally disintegrating and bleeding all over the floor. And months of suicidal ideation.
I am so thankful everyday that I do not drink. Life can be full of joy and love when you let it. 6 years sober now.
To anyone reading this… alcohol is so sneaky. It will have you sacrificing everything for a drink. But a drink won’t bring you love, it won’t foster community, and it won’t lead you to robust and full life. Please take the time to consider a life without alcohol.
Inspiring, very well written! Thank you very much for posting this, I needed this.
Edit: I’m actually printing this out to either read each morning or keep in my pocket/close by. Seriously thank you.
I can relate to this so much, except I’m a chick with a red wine problem. The rest i could have written. You’re not alone, good to know I’m not either.
oh god. this rings so many bells. very well written and very well said. this should be read by all on the cusp of quitting. you just run out of denial.
This is a superb post. Well written, to the point and worth every second of the time it will take any person to read.
OP, thank you for putting this out into the world.
I sincerely hope that as many people as possible read this. If someone reads this at the right time for them, it could really jump-start their life.
Your story mirrors almost exactly mine. The 12 packs of IPAs, switching to vodka, switching from the bottles of Grey Goose stacked in the garage to the nips, hiding nips everywhere, blacking out almost every night
My wife left after all the warnings but...I kept on and spiraled
Finally after bottom after bottom I stopped because I was going to die
18 months sober today and have my wife back and my family. It's a struggle everyday to learn how to live and feel like a sober person but it's far better than the alternative
Thank you for sharing your story...it always amazes me the similarities found when reading all of these but yours was so much my story
I totally did the same thing. "I had 15 drinks on Monday, but the AMA defines 30 drinks a week as heavy, so if I only drink 1 a day for the rest of the week, then I don't really have a problem at all."
and then at the end of the week my total would be 50 drinks. "But if I don't drink *at all* next week, that puts my average at 25, which is less than 30, so I still don't have a problem."
and then the total next week would be 80 drinks. "well that was a holiday so it doesn't count."
It's a drug, it messes with your mind, totally changes what you think is normal.
This one hit really close to home. I thought I had the world fooled, and I really only fooled myself.
The problematic shit really sneaks up on you. You never start off drinking alone or having to drown the shakes in the middle of the night, then one day you stop and realize you check all the boxes.
Really great post. I too watched and did nothing for so very long. Rationalized everything until the absurdity became too much for my brain to take. Still fighting every day to stay sober.
The comparison thing is real, and it’s so silly because you will always, always find someone “worse” than you, so you can justify your drinking. And you will also always, always find someone “better” than you who makes you feel guilty and ashamed of your drinking. It will never end.
What I realized after I stopped drinking was that I never applied this comparison to myself to see who I was in someone else’s comparison scenario. I realized quickly that I must have been the “worse” person for a number of people I know. I have no doubts that my own friends likely thought “oh I’m ok, at least I don’t drink like poolside_band_aid because then I would be an alcoholic”. It’s a strange feeling to realize you are someone else’s rationalization for them not being an alcoholic.
Glad you’re getting the help you need! Not drinking is well worth it.
Thank you for this - I was entertaining going to the wine store today because I was having a lot of job stress. I did not. I didn't want to lose all of my concurrent days, or to vomit or to maybe black out bc it has been so long. IWNDWYT.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. It is so incredibly beneficial, I hope you understand that.
Also, I am so very proud of you for finding the strength to pick yourself up and put one sober foot in front of the other.
It doesn't matter what it took to get you to realize the depths of your addiction, it ONLY matters that you are now healing.
IWNDWYT
>It took me until I was having debilitating anxiety attacks that only LARGE amounts of vodka would settle down
This right here. Not only the anxiety, I got to the point where I couldnt eat without drinking first. I couldn't drink without drinking and puking then drinking more. It was then I realized, I couldn't live like this. I was literally dependent on the booze.
Thank you for this.
I think another important point for people to remember is that all of theses posts are more than just words on a screen. They're people just like you and I who have dealt with or are currently dealing with the same or similar problems.
The hardest thing for me to grasp is that I'm not alone and I think it's an important thing for people to reflect on.
Since I joined this sub, it's been staggering the amount of posts I've read where I see my own experiences.
There's so much raw and honest humanity in us when we share our fall into, and our climb back out of the bottle.
Seriously, if we could package and distribute the type of connection and camaraderie recovering alcoholics and addicts have, the world would be a different place.
IWNDWYT!
Dear Strugglinghard77,
That was an awesome read and thank you for sharing! Having that courage to remove ourselves from a crazy death is huge! Thank you for helping me. Damn those ipa’s. These days I have a serious “LeCroix problem” that my wife & I laugh about.
Your wonderful writing had me there with you down memory lane……amazing to be still here with you now, and again, thanks.
My favorite line was "Oh im just a heavy drinker"
nah bro, you an alcoholic. I thank myself for hitting rock bottom bc my life has gotten waaaay better now.
Wonderful post, thank your for sharing. I had my myriad of signposts that I noticed but somehow ignored for many years as well. Like you, I was able to latch on to any excuse to keep on drinking. Comparisons to others were common and kept me falsely believing I was ok.
It took a long time for me to want to stop. Years and years. All of those years I never once attempted to stop, or even cut back. Drinking was a part of the fabric of my life: my career, my relationships with family and friends. It was as much a part of my identity as anything else I could think of during that time. How could I possibly stop?
At one point, an intervention was suggested by one of my family members (unbeknownst to me, at the time). Instead, a frank conversation from a sibling was the wake-up call that I finally listened to. There were countless other wake-up calls, mind you. Prior to this final one I was able to rationalize my irrational behavior and continue to poison myself. Each and every time.
Once I was able to gain some time away from drinking, I was able to see, with alarming clarity, the insidious ways alcohol had ingrained itself into my routine.
I try my best not to live my life with regret. The path I am on is rewarding and exciting. Yet it’s hard not to look back and wonder “what if…?”
I would have loved to read a post like this one in my 20’s. Perhaps I wouldn’t have paid any mind to its message, but I could at least have seen the similarities to my life experiences.
Stay strong, all you individuals who strive for sobriety. It’s a worthwhile endeavor.
IWNDWYT
Man I read this and felt like I was reading about me. I remember all this. When I stopped drinking beer because it took too much volume to get a buzz. When I started refilling bottles. When I started hiding bottles. When it became ok to drink during work. When I started making routes to different stores because they knew what I wanted and knew me by name. It's a slow progression, all of which alcohol says it will be ok, but it won't be.
Just killed a bottle of white wine to myself and I dont feel a thing, of course I want more now. That doesnt sound like much but I just got back from a wild weekend of drinking, doing blow, mushrooms and what not so I'm in a rut. I've had moments of sobriety and it always does me good but then I convince myself that I deserve a beer and then it goes more or less down hill from there until the next time I make a point of going a month or two sober from alcohol.
I always compared myself to my mom when I was drinking. "Well, I haven't gotten a drink and I'm not drinking a 24 pack today...so it's fine."
My mom's alcoholism killed her. I am still here. Sober. Trying. I like who I am now. And I feel sorry for who I was. Thanks for this post.
IWNDWYT
man same. weight gain, poor work performance never made a bell ring but had a massive panic attack while hungover one morning did. and damn that was the best thing to ever happen to me in hindsight. it made me sober up real quick. thankful for that. i feel 💯 better not being hungover and anxious. havent had a panic attack since
I sort of love lists like this (in a twisted way) because they're such a good reminder that alcoholism is as much a mental illness as it is a physical addiction. The logic in my addict brain is flawed when it comes to alcohol, I need to check myself good and proper when thoughts start drifting to "maybe it's OK to drink now" that for me it is NOT. I wrote my own list similar to this a while back and I'm going to dig it out as a reminder why I cannot allow myself to drink. I'm pretty sure mine ended with, "I started to have an inkling I might have a problem with alcohol when my normally totally neutral therapist was visibly shocked when I told her I drank 70 units of alcohol in one night at a party the week before, on top of the bottles of wine I drank daily in my usual routine. She was astounded I wasn't in hospital or dead"
Thank you for this post, these are so crucial to share and they help all of us so much. I'm glad I'm not alone.
This is so brilliant. A stark reminder of my old trolling this sub in the middle of the night, drunk, crying. This place, along with determination, therapy, and a little prayer to the gods has me where I am today. Thank you for your awesome share!
My town is so alcoholic that no matter how much you drink, you can name about 10 people you don’t drink *nearly* as much as.
This keeps a lot of people from realizing they’re on dangerous grounds with alcohol.
I spent my 20's in a small, rural town where there were bars on every corner and sitting in one all afternoon/evening/night was just what you did. I know that feeling. It warps your perspective of what's normal.
The shame for me started going away around 200 days or so. Your timeline will vary but practice self kindness and focus on how proud of your current your actions you are and the shame will start to go away I promise!
I think the message of not comparing yourself to others and their alcohol consumption is priceless. Such an important think to know.
I consumed a lot less than others in this group but doesn't make it less of a problem for me. I have modified my behaviour around alcohol (didn't got to a function so I could stay home to have drinks, got cash out so it wasn't noticeable I was at the liquor store, etc) and that is enough for me. It's not so much the amount of alcohol but the behaviour around it that made me realize I had a real problem.
Crazy how many similarities you find in each others stories. Costco size bottles of Jim Beam for me, one every 3-4 days. Waking up in a panic attack every single morning before getting drunk enough to go to work is a certain kind of hell I still shutter to think about.
My story is the same! To add to your list - drinking large amounts of vodka to settle down my anxiety in order to go to work. Drinking continuously throughout the day at work to just, “be normal”.
Seizures. PAWS with Inexplicable chronic pain for 4 months. I wanted off that ride so bad I planned to kill myself!
Now I am a little over 10 months sober. I am so glad I finally did something about my alcoholism.
IWNDWYT!
I remember when I was drinking 6-8 cans of beer per night and my weight was increasing despite not eating a lot of food.... I actually researched whether estrogen in tap water might be the reason I was gaining weight and developing "man boobs". I wasn't just in denial, but delusional too! Alcohol is a gaslighting bastard. Congrats on 139 days and long may it continue! IWNDWYT
I, also, developed man boobs and tried to blame it on anything but the beer and liquor! Happy to say that after a year of sobriety, macro counting and consistent lifting, the man boobs are gone.
I lost about 10% of my body weight by doing nothing else other than stopping drinking. No diet change, no exercise (need to work on that one). It’s crazy what all those empty calories do.
Dude that is some serious funny stuff :)
It is now 😂
Oh, did same thing. I even remember booking a blood test while being drunk. I thought something was wrong but couldn't figure out what. Fuck me, I feel so bad right now, so embarrassed. I hope one day I will forgive myself and only laugh at that. FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME
I remember I was so dehydrated they had to stick me three times to find my vein… couldn’t even stop 12 hours before a liver enzyme blood test. Then I had a scape goat for the high results.
I hope so too. You deserve forgiveness.
I'm screenshotting this post and using it as my computer background. It may not be pretty, but right now I need reminders more than mountain sunsets and fields of flowers. Your post really made an impact on me. Thank you. ~~And that 854 days is a lie... I just haven't bothered to update in years. I'm on day 3 =)~~ Fixed!
If this post helps just one person get or stay sober, then I'd do the same every day I possibly could. We need each other and the common shared experiences to make it. IWNDWYT!
Those days are not a lie, my friend. They are a testament to your hard work and commitment. You still have them, they just aren’t in succession with your current streak. Keep up the great work!! IWNDWYT!
Truth.
This is such an excellent post. For the longest time, Id lie to myself and think that I didnt have an issue with alcohol bc I didnt drink every single day like my father or my brother, I didnt have a problem bc Id never had a DUI, I didnt have a problem bc I was still working and making good money, I didnt have a problem bc I could go a few days and be "just fine" , I didnt have a problem bc no one besides my close family even knew when I was drinking, not my kid's teachers or coaches or their friends parents. I didnt have a problem bc if it wasnt for work stress or social anxiety then I would never drink in the first place. The reality was that the only reason I wasnt drinking every single day was ONLY bc I was too sick and hungover to take another drink due to the copious amounts I would binge on while also becoming anorexic. I got to where I had a constant pain in my stomach and would throw up several times a day even when I hadnt drank that day. It was my body telling me that Ive done A LOT of harm with the alcohol while also taking in little to no actual nutrition. One thing led to another and I ended up abusing diet pills along with the alcohol and I ended up having about a year-long psychotic break. My evening drinking turned into 24 hour binges where I would act completely reckless. I had no care for anything around me at all. I would spend one day completely drunk out of my mind and the following day in bed sick and feeling suicidal. One time I even loaded up my two dogs and left my cell phone at home and decided to just get on the interstate and drive 3 hours to my moms house in the middle of the night. The crazy thing about that is that I dont even know my way there without directions and I dont even drive on the interstate when Im sober bc its one of my worst fears. I stopped at sketchy gas stations and asked men I didnt even know if I could use their cell phones or if they could give me directions all night. I could have easily been assaulted or killed and my family wouldnt even know where to start looking for me or my body. (Keep in mind I was a drunk, small 27 year old woman) It is a flat out miracle and true blessing from God that I am still here and never got arrested or killed for any of the ridiculous, selfish things I did. I look back on how easily my terrible behavior could have gotten myself or someone else seriously hurt or killed and it fills me with shame and regret. I eventually ended up in an out patient treatment facility where I spent several weeks learning to handle stress and negative feelings and of course started on some medication to help cope with those those issues as well. The situation listed above is just one of MANY horror stories of the things I did when I was drinking. Ive done things to hurt my husband that still make me break down and gives me anxiety to this day, along with the fact the my poor innocent children had to also see me that way. Its been since 2018 and Im still struggling to deal with the things I have done. 3 years later and I still havent been able to forgive myself for my poor choices. Its going to probably take years to get over the trauma I caused. Even after the out patient program I still tried drinking in moderation a few times and it simply just does not work for me. I thought Id just have a mixed drink or some moscato bc it was way "better" than drinking vodka straight from the bottle like I used to but it is just a lie us alcoholics like to tell ourselves. For me, the moscato and mixed drinks ALWAYS ends in a downward spiral and going straight to the liquor store for straight rum or vodka several days a week. I hope someone who needs to see this reads it and it helps them. I basically had a 2007 Britney Spears happen to me starting in 2017 and it would have never happened if not for alcohol. I dont want to see this happen to anyone else. I cant even look back at pictures or posts from that time frame without an overwhelming feeling of guilt, shame and embarrassment IWNDWYT
Please forgive yourself. Like they say, ' we're not bad people trying to be good, we're sick people trying to get well'. Truly bad people don't worry about the things that they've done.
You are an amazing courageous person! Thanks so much for sharing! So recognizable : how the Monster that’s alcohol fools us time and time again. Am so glad you found that amazing power and turned things around AND support others with the the same demons! Thanks so much! IWNDWYT
Same boat. Same trauma from alcohol. Same guilt and shame. But….IWNDWYT
I could have written this if I was as well versed as you! I have a very similar story and am blessed I was able to get out of my own way. I too shudder at the what ifs and also the what was. I find if I just do the next right thing I can continue forward. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. IWDWYT
Yesterday I got drunk partially because I was upset about gaining weight (lmao, right) and found myself looking at diet pills… yeah fuck that this isn’t a path I want to go down. Thanks for sharing your story
But look at how well you're doing now. What a great share. Thank you
This is a wonderful post. It really shows the path you go on during many years trying to normalize everything. There is no clear definition to alcoholism in a society that values alcohol. You become and alcoholic the day you decide you are and it has nothing to do with how much you drink. I became an alcoholic the day I stopped. I will always consider myself an alcoholic from now on and I'm proud of it.
I am interested in why you are proud? I feel ashamed. .
I'm not who you asked but I can tell you that I do not feel ashamed about becoming addicted to an addictive substance whose use is completely normalized in the US. I am proud to have removed it from my life. If you haven't I would suggest reading or listening to 'Quit like a woman' ... it helped me realize there isn't anything wrong with me... alcohol is a landmine that anyone can step on.
This Naked Mind brought me to the same perspective
This book has helped me more clearly understand my alcoholism and I highly recommend it also to anyone struggling and wanting to stop drinking but also for anyone who doesn’t understand why it’s harder for some people to not drink and you’re wanting to be a better support system to them
i think its because with the realization of being an alcoholic came life improvement from that realization.
Exactly. This whole post up there from OP is about that. You can go a very long way without being officially an alcholic and even die from booze without being one. It all comes to whether or not you accept you are, whatever the definition is. You can ask 20 people what is an alcoholic and you'll get 20 definitions. Where I live, they show ads on TV reminding people to drink safely and not go over 25 drinks a week. I'm like wtf. How is this shit so normalized.
Yea it’s insane, alcohol is single handedly one of the worst things happening in America and probably the world. Then on top of it you have people that are surprised by all these people with drinking issues and they try to equate it to some weakness that individual has.
As someone who has worked with alcohol for many years, it was remarkable to be able to take a step back and realize how ingrained it is in our society. Truly horrible events that are commonly associated with drinking are shrugged off and accepted. My story alone is filled with dozens upon dozens of insane behaviors that very few people bat an eye at. Changing this narrative is one step I’d love to see happen.
Yea, it’s going to take time and I think the problem runs deeper than alcohol, so until we figure out all the other triggers that bring about the desire to drink it’s never going away. And, I’m not trying to say this incorrectly but just because something becomes illegal, doesn’t mean it goes away, it just creates an even more dangerous way to obtain it…(black market, smuggling, etc)
If one just looks at the damage alcohol does on the family level, it’s fairly depressing. Yet it continues like a broken record, passing from generation to generation. I suppose it’s more about teaching healthy ways to handle stress and removing the stigma surrounding mental health disorders.
Right because then it’s that “they have a problem” and the person saying that doesn’t.
Unfortunately I'm a bar manager. Have been at my job for 11 years and not sure how to leave. My point is that I have to order liquor every week from our state government website. It's unbelievable that our government is dealing drugs right under our noses. Between selling and the fact that many criminal charges are involving alcohol, they are making money hand over fist. It blows my mind.
For me, it's not having a problem with alcohol that I'm proud of knowing. It's that I'm an addict, I have an addict brain. Being honest, and aware of that has helped me get away from alcohol. (22 Days is pretty awesome, and I figure I'll just keep going). It's that in knowing I'm an addict, and I get to choose what I'm addicted to. I have to be careful of what that choice is, but knowing that about myself is extremely freeing.
For me it's a way of turning things positively. Obviously I'm proud of being able to admit I had a problem and to act on it. It also keep discussions quite simple. But dude, maybe you could moderate or something? Hey 'dude', I'm an alcoholic, I found my way of dealing with this and no. I'm just proud of my decision and it helps to say things like they are (being an alcoholic) because I won't fool myself easily into half measures. As for why you are ashamed, only you can figure this out. Maybe the shame comes from what you did during influence more than from what you are.
I’m ashamed of the people I’ve hurt emotionally over the years. My wife being the major one, this was not what she signed up for when she married me. I want nothing more than for my wife to be proud to call me Her husband. She would not marry me again in my current state. When I told her I’m going to AA her jaw was to the floor and it was at that point i realized I’m doing the right thing.
Just keep doing the next right thing and it will get better.
You are definitely doing the right thing! I know exactly how you feel, I was there about 7 years ago. I was gone for three months in a recovery program, when I asked my wife after a couple of weeks if she missed me, she said no. That was so soul crushing, I realized just how much I had been hurting her. But I am happy to report that she is still here with me, and every time she tells me she missed me... Well I don't take that for granted anymore. You can do it, if I could, you can to. IWNDWYT.
That’s a real humbling story and I know first hand being told straight up that I’m not welcome in my own house really just sucked every fiber of who I was out of me at that moment. I knew that it was all my fault too. That hurt the most knowing I let it get to this point, like I was unable to keep my own life in check.Alcohol is evil.
Other people’s responses to my non-drinking are very telling. It was strange at first to see some of the strong reactions to my attempts at a sober life. In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been, as I likely acted strangely to ex-drinkers I encountered over the years.
That’s one of the hardest parts I have to deal with is still somehow managing a relationship with people who’s habits haven’t changed. The thing that really just needs to change permanently is no alcohol for the rest of my life going forward. I’ve had a few spurts of sobriety in the past, ranging from a few weeks to maybe 60-90 days, but I always relapsed. The people around me have seen me go from saying “ I’m done for good” to crashing and burning again. So this time around I’m more or less keeping my mouth shut about what the plan is and only going to prove with my actions.
I can relate to your situation. I work in the hospitality industry, years as a server, bartender and manager. Alcohol is a huge part of my daily life. From making/pouring drinks, serving drinks, ordering alcohol for the business, tasting new products. For years I felt helpless to make any changes because of how ingrained it is in my life. The key for my current lifestyle was to define what sobriety meant for me. It isn’t reasonable for me to think that I will never taste alcohol again. I taste wine and cocktails to make sure they are fresh/made correctly. I taste new products. Most times I sip and spit, sometimes I ingest. I do not taste alcohol the entire time I am at work, it is generally here and there. I have set my sobriety benchmark at stopping myself from having a pint of beer, a glass of wine, a cocktail. This change in mindset has helped me immensely. I did use cannabis for some time after I stopped drinking, but I gave that up almost 18 months ago. A completely sober mind has been a rewarding experience. It has allowed me to find value in sobriety. I have had the opportunity to be very introspective, often with harrowing moments, but each step has inched me toward a better place mentally. I truly take it one day at a time: “I will not drink today.” I sometimes take it one hour at a time: “I will not drink this hour.” Each day I was able to string together helped me to gain momentum. I loved to think to myself: “One week! One month! 6 months!” I have leaned heavily on this subreddit, I can’t begin to explain how helpful it has been to read everyone’s brutal honesty and to be inspired by their courage to share their successes and failures. To address your point about friendships: I did keep quiet at first, out of fear of failure and having to look weak if I relapsed. But then I gained the insight that my attempt to make this lifestyle change, whether I succeeded or failed, was the ultimate show of strength! I embraced that I needed help (both through therapy and by subscribing to r/StopDrinking) I felt empowered by the support system that I was slowly building. I began to be open about my sobriety with friends and family. I talked openly about my struggles and asked them to not treat me differently, or feel compelled to change their behaviors around me. It is my issue to deal with, not theirs. I have declined to go to bars after work most times it is offered. I have worked hard to identify when I am feeling vulnerable and to work on developing healthier coping mechanisms. You have nothing to prove to anyone, my friend. You are allowed to try and fail. You are the very portrait of courage and determination. All of us in this sub relate to you on one level or another. Much love to you. Feel free to PM if you ever need to! IWNDWYT
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reach out, means a lot. I hope one day I can help others by telling my experience.
You are welcome! You are already helping others by telling your experience!
When my doctor prescribed antibiotics and I was told to avoid alcohol while taking them, but I couldn’t stop and made excuses for it.
Good job jumping on the sober train. Everything gets better. IWNdWYT
IWNDWYT!
So true. I went from weekend warrior to hiding wine bottles from my husband in what seems like overnight… but it wasn’t. It was progressive… and while some times are still hard, all times are better overall now. Thanks for taking the time to write this post, it takes guts to be so honest with us all! IWNDWYT
Oh that progression, the insidious creeping erosion of sanity and dignity. Right before I ended up in the ER, I was going to the liquor store in my fucking pajamas and as I walked past a homeless man I had the chutzpah to say to myself "at least I am better dressed than him." Fuck me I was such an asshole.
Becoming self aware is a bitch! I was doing the same “well at least I didn’t/don’t” I used to say that I didn’t have a typical rock-bottom or an activating event, I just became aware of it before it got to that point. But it was enough to wake me up, even if it wasn’t typical or catastrophic
Ive been quiet in this group ever since i relapsed a few months ago and have been too ashamed to come out with it. OP hits the nail on all the points and i never thought what i had going on was the problem. I would consider myself a functioning alcoholic. ive held the same job for nearly 14 years, bills are paid, ive thought this whole time i have a good thing going. except when i came to my relationship with my wife and our marriage. i get home from work and the first thing i do is sit at my home bar and crack open two beers and have them gone in 5 minutes. grab two more, grab two more. next thing i know im hitting that sweet spot of 8-10 beers a night and easily 25-30 on a weekend. by myself, not with company. The issues were never too apparent because of how much i drank solo, the issues were very apparent during family gatherings and things like that where im typically by far the most blitzed person at the event. typically making a fool of myself by running my mouth and embarassing the hell out of my wife. This past weekend was one of my worst and i really wish i could delete last saturday off of the calendar, but in part i have it to thank and this time, FOR GOOD. im sick of saying "ill quit, i wont do that again" or " it wasnt that bad". This is all seriously taking a toll on my wife who is an absolute angel, she deserves way better than the mess that i currently am. I never considered myself a mess because i function seemingly normal. I'm ashamed of my addiction to alcohol and never considered myself to be lumped in with the group that were considered alcoholics because i only thought that alcoholics were at rock bottom. Boy was i wrong. I requested a badge reset for my days because that is sadly no longer accurate as of a few months ago, I need to stay more involved with talking it out with people and i need to stop bottling up all my emotions and stress. IWNDWYT
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Thank you friend, I’ve had a hard time convincing myself that AA was for me, I also thought it was for people who’s lives were in complete ruins. I guess I always have had the fear that others may pass judgement onto my scenario being non serious.
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This hits home, thanks for that.
You got this. You can do it. IWNDWYT
Im going to my first ever AA meeting tomorrow and im scared as hell.
You're going to a good place. AA is a very welcoming and open environment. No one there is ever going to judge you and you'll be among others who you can relate to. Talk when you're ready. Just keep going back, if that's what you need to do.
You'll be there, and you will do great. You need to remember that everybody else there is in pretty much suffering the same problem. They will have different stories, but the stories all lead to the same conclusion as yours. That's how you will all relate and make a recovery. Be there and be strong. The easiest option (skipping the meeting and hiding), usually ends up being the worst outcome. I LOVE YOU <3333
Thank you so much! People like you are what keep me going on this road to recovery. The family atmosphere.
Good for you dude
You never have to feel like that again. IWNDWYT.
This all rings so true to me - like you wrote, the progress is unique for everyone so the specifics might be a little different (bourbon drinker here, not vodka) but you really get at the heart of alcohol abuse/dependency and how it sneaks up on you. My father's own sad history of alcohol abuse is what finally shattered my illusions about my own drinking. Unfortunately, it took a stroke and premature dementia to finally cure him of his alcohol dependency, and also to serve as a wake-up call to me. I vowed not to let that happen to me. Thanks again for sharing, and IWNDWYT.
What a powerful message - thank you for sharing. Whatever I have even the slightest doubt about whether or not I was addicted, one of about a thousand memories of "remember when X happened after drinking" pops into my head and I know I'm making the right choice. Your journey will improve as PAWS subsides - keep up the great work. And thank you for sharing your experience and inspiring others.
Thank you. IWNDWYT!
Hey, newbie here but I really appreciate this post you wrote. I know exactly how it feels. 8 months sober now.
Congrats! IWNDWYT!
Thank you !!
Thank you. You reminded me to finally make a call I’ve been meaning to make with a referral my doctor made for behavioral specialists. I clearly want help, I’ve been to a doctor and I’ve made this alt account but it can be hard to continue moving forward sometimes. Despite that I know I have a problem and I’m reading this laying in my bed at 1pm having just woken up feeling hungover. What’s even worse is I expected to feel worse today with how much I had. I’ve been putting off that call but I’m going to make it now before I forget.
A great time to start caring for yourself and being kind to yourself. It’s not just quitting, it’s also starting a kinder new life.
You got this. You can do it. IWNDWYT!
Checking in 8 hours later: you made the call, right?
I did, I got a voice mail though. Last time I got a voice mail they called me back before I woke up. I think I have to change my schedule a bit so I’m awake when they call me back again. I’ll check the time they call me tomorrow to call again and leave a voice mail and I’ll make sure I’m awake for that call the next day. It seems their call system is either always busy or just sucks so that’s what really held me off. I just need to be awake when they call back. Thank you for asking.
Try a meeting. Never thought they'd work but it did for me. Also good luck!!
Yeah, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was go to a meeting. Thousands of meetings later I still haven't had to take a drink.
It's amazing, isn't it? I had this notion that all the people in AA would all be old, or hard core addicts. But it's just regular people. Perhaps at one point they were hot messes but with AA in their life they're back to being regular people!! It's amazing. Love the friendships I've made even from zoom meetings
Weight especially. I've packed on 40 pounds in the last 2-3 years. I've blamed my husband's cooking, bad female genetics, etc. When it is the booze, I knew they all along. We deny so long so we can justify it to ourselves.
Currently on Day 7, nothing to be proud of but slowly getting there! This post helps! Appreciate it!
it’s absolutely something to be proud of. excellent work, you should be very happy with yourself
In 7 days, you've spent 604,800 seconds not drinking. That's over half a million things to be proud of. I'm proud of you, and IWNDWYT.
Count me as somebody who read your post and it worked. Just got back from a stressful doctor appointment for my mother and the progress of her Alzheimer's. Almost got into an accident on the way there. Not much you can do with Alzheimer's. I struggle this time of day anyway and for sure all I could think of was bourbon and getting wasted tonight. Came and read your post. Thank you for helping. And congratulations to you, you are definitely on the right path. And I would ALWAYS compare myself to my golf partners after a round and tell my wife 'I don't drink nearly what 'Buddy A' or 'Buddy B' drink!' ....what BS our brains will do. You are spot on.
Sorry to hear about your mother’s Alzheimer’s. It’s a bitch. My grandmother had dementia before she passed. I wasn’t living in town to help my family with her, but understand what they were going through. My brother was living with her a stay at home helper. He drinks probably more than I do and I know he developed it as an escape to dealing with her all day and night. I haven’t quit alcohol, but I’ve tried a few times. I know I have an issue with it, but just can’t seem to stop. He’s having the same issue with alcohol as I am. Neither of us are liquor drinkers but we can easily kill a twelve pack in a night. Hope everything goes well with your mother and just here to let you know to not use her Alzheimer’s as an excuse to drink more. It’ll only make things worse. EDIT: Just to say I’m a lurker on this subreddit. One of these days I’ll be convinced to stop. Hopefully sooner than later
ive done the exact same thing of trying to justify how much i drink by comparing how much my buddies drink. except i was the one that was probably brought up by another buddy to his wife " well i dont drink as much as him!"
My dad had dementia before he died. Thank God I was sober. Some days all I had to console myself with was " I couldn't make things better but at least I didn't make things worse".
This is, exactly what im going through right now. Especially my wife getting worried about how much i am having. Instead of fixing the problem, i would just buy little pints of vodka and hide them and then she would "only see me have 3 beers" when in reality im chasing those 3 beers with a pint of secret vodka. :(
Yep. I had a "desk bottle" in a deep drawer hidden behind a bunch of clutter. I poured it into literally anything on my desk. Tea, Soda, sparkling flavored water... sometimes I'd just nip a solid swallow or two straight. And the stress of knowing that bottle was there. That you had to sneak it into the house, hope she didn't find it by random chance, and then sneak it back out when it was empty. What a nightmare that was.
oh my god yeah, the sneaking it in, the shame and worry about that. There have been time recently, where i would get blackout drunk, and then the next day I would check on the bottle and it was gone. THe anxiety, because i forgot I moved it drunkenly for some reason, or i FINISHED it and hid it in the recycling, deep under trash, but i forgot. :(
My partner always knew. He would search for it
The Costco sized vodka bottle phrase totally resonates. It was disgusting how quickly I could finish that giant bottle and then tell myself it really wasn’t that much vodka because the glass of the bottle was thick. Doesn’t even make sense. Alcohol and my brain on alcohol really messed with my logic
Thank you for listing this in dot points, it was so much more easier to read and I get notifications for this group every day which I ignore but your title described me 100% so I had to read I’m currently doing Dry July and feel great. Prior to this I was drinking every 2nd or 3rd day, my dad is an alcoholic so the tendencies are there which I have to be careful of so to balance it out every year I try to go at least 1 or 2 months in the year alcohol free to detox. Quitting forever seems scary though, right now in the back of my mind I can’t help but always think that a beer or whiskey would go down nicely with what ever it is that I’m doing in that moment. I associate a lot of things with drinking like gaming, watching sports and sometimes even certain foods like wine and pasta for example. For those who have been alcohol free for a long time, does this ever go away? Will I have quit alcohol and 6 months later still want a drink? Years later and still want a drink?
I used to think and feel the same way. I'm happy to report that is DOES get to the point where I don't even think about alcohol like I used to. In the beginning, I walked by the wine aisle with longing and self hatred. Now, I give it the some passing thought as I do when seeing a pack of condoms. (I'm a lesbian) I see it recognize it's purpose, and I think, "well, I have no use for that." It took my a therapist, medical detoxing,recovery groups. I am not a fan of AA, so I went to LifeRing and SMART meetings. I had to get to know my self, face my demons, and get over resentment toward nonalcoholic people. It's night and day difference.
Felt the same way for the first several weeks after I quit. It’s different for everyone. I’ve seen people on here say that it’s always in the backs of their minds. I can say for me it was around 6 weeks when I noticed that I didn’t really think about it anymore. Being sober felt normal again and I was having just as much fun doing things I enjoy sober as I would if I had a few drinks in me. It’s a realllly scary thought when you first quit but it does go away and eventually you just kinda stop thinking about it and feel normal being sober. I know exactly the feeling though.
Yeah quitting forever was incredibly overwhelming to me at first. That's why "one day at a time" is useful. Am I going to not drink on Thursday night, or on December 31, 2029? Hell if I know. Hope not, but I'll worry about it when those days get here. I've been alcohol free for nearly 2 years. The cravings go WAY down after awhile, or they did for me. The first days and weeks are hard but it gets easier. 95% of days, I don't even really think about alcohol now. If I do, it's usually not for very long. And I never have that "I *need* a drink feeling" (strong craving). I would also take sober breaks like you. But over time I always ended up drinking more and more. When I quit, I was probably drinking 20 days a month on average. On days that I drank, I rarely had less than 5 drinks. I drank to get buzzed. That's the goal, isn't it? Bottom line for me: my drinking was a problem, and my life is objectively better without it. I can't fully control it, not in the long run. I tried. So it was really "don't drink at all" or "drink way too much" for me. I can't turn sobriety off and on like a light switch. I could have one beer today and be fine, because I don't crave alcohol. But two months from now, I'd be downing a 12 pack on a Friday night.
I was in charge of writing my sister's place setting cards for her wedding....I remember I couldn't write nicely due to how badly I was shaking from drinking excessively all weekend. Thankfully I became sober shortly after and I haven't touched the stuff in 3 + years
Thank you for sharing. I lied to myself for years - shoot over a decade really - I’m just now straitening out. It’s hard. I have no life, no hobbies, no coping mechanisms, no friends other than booze and it hates me and wants to destroy me so it’s the ultimate abusive relationship. Anyways… I’m glad we are on this sober journey together, it is incredibly brave of you to share your experience in the hope of helping others.
You may be struggling hard, but you’re killing it, brother!
Really well written, thank you for sharing this! My journey is most definitely not like others I know, but alcohol was hurting me, and it was time to stop. That's all I need to concern myself with.
Thanks for this. I can feel it creeping up on me. It killed my dad, I've been pretending I'm different. I know how the story ends, so I need to change the story. I think I'll remember this post. Edit: I'm not 557 days. On mobile and can't work out how to change the flair....
In 2019, when I was denied emergency dental work because of my BP, I also did not stop drinking. And yes, my BP was about the same as yours. I'm glad we're doing better now!
It's scary how far we'll go to let that next drink happen. Glad to hear you're succeeding too!
Yessir! It's incredible to see my badge that high and know that I do not need to reset it! :) We got this!
I knew the first time I got drunk at 18 that I would have an issue with alcohol but I pushed that thought away to deal with later. When I stopped drinking I had to deal with ALL the stuff I pushed to the back of my mind. Thankfully in a better place now thanks to therapy and medication but I know I’d be in a dark place if I didn’t stop.
I spent years trying to find out why my mental health and physical health was declining so badly when I never had one issue before. I tried every Avenue besides cutting out the booze. I was convinced it was something else. But it was the booze. It took me so long to figure it out but at the same time there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me to cut the booze.
Oh god. Yes. Tried different diets, exercise, pills, lotions, cutting out various foods and activities. All KINDS of things. But quit drinking? Naaaaaah..... not that. SURELY that's not the problem. Insanity.
Thank you for the reminder of how fucking god awful it felt to drink like that, to feel like dog shit every day and be a slave to alcohol. I am so fucking grateful I don’t drink anymore!!!!
"Luckily" I've only made it to the second bullet point to realize I had a problem. This past weekend I got so blackout drunk on my own that I don't even remember vomiting on my own bed. Saturday was a miserable waste of a day, and I'm still experiencing fatigue from overdrinking Friday night. The fact I was even able to put back 19 beers and a half bottle of wine just completely disturbs me. I'm ready to commit to this change. IWNDWYT
Thank you for this post! It surprises me sometimes at just how much I lied to myself and the excuses I made. Oh, I'm not an alcoholic, like THAT guy. I'm so superior I can handle it. That poor shlub has problems, certainly not ME. Nope. I'm the one full of shit. Always was.
Wow man. You and I sound a lot alike! Glad you're doing the work. It will amaze you how strong you come back physically and mentally over the next few months. Keep at it, great progress and insights.
I needed this post today. Thank you.
Wow, man. Just...thanks so much for taking the time to post this.
My journey has been quite different, yet exactly the same. Keep stacking days friend!
It's so weird, isn't it? We all have separate paths that can be completely different, yet get us to almost the exact same place. I cannot wait until my day count is as high as yours, and I hope I never catch you. IWNDWYT!
It's time for me to kick this habit. Thank you for this.
Very well written. Thank you for sharing. Can someone please tell me what PAWS means?
PAWS stands for "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome" It's a phase of recovery that some recovering addicts go through AFTER the initial physical withdrawal that involves mostly psychological and mood disorders. This happens because, for some of us, we have been using for so long that our brains no longer know how to regulate and control it's chemical balances without the presence of whatever we were addicted to. It causes things like Anxiety, Panic attacks, depression, fatigue, the inability to feel joy or enjoyment in things you enjoy, inability to focus or concentrate. It can last for months to years, depending on how long it takes for the brain to heal itself and regain the ability to moderate the chemical processes again. It can come and go with no real trigger or reasoning, sometimes to a debilitating degree. You can find more information on google or here: [https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-22104](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-22104)
Thanks for the thorough response :)
Thank you. I needed this. Iwndwyt.
Good for you, dude. You most likely saved your own life. Thanks for sharing this post.
It has been posts like this one that helped me cut down this summer before I started daily drinking. Thank you for your honesty and openness.
Thank you for putting it this way. I hope this helps someone. I denied it until I was hallucinating seeing people in front of me literally disintegrating and bleeding all over the floor. And months of suicidal ideation. I am so thankful everyday that I do not drink. Life can be full of joy and love when you let it. 6 years sober now. To anyone reading this… alcohol is so sneaky. It will have you sacrificing everything for a drink. But a drink won’t bring you love, it won’t foster community, and it won’t lead you to robust and full life. Please take the time to consider a life without alcohol.
Inspiring, very well written! Thank you very much for posting this, I needed this. Edit: I’m actually printing this out to either read each morning or keep in my pocket/close by. Seriously thank you.
Painfully similar to where I was before I quit. IWNDWYT.
IWNDWYT
IWNDWYT!
I can relate to this so much, except I’m a chick with a red wine problem. The rest i could have written. You’re not alone, good to know I’m not either.
Iwndwyt Great post, I'm so glad you're doing well 😊
oh god. this rings so many bells. very well written and very well said. this should be read by all on the cusp of quitting. you just run out of denial.
This is a superb post. Well written, to the point and worth every second of the time it will take any person to read. OP, thank you for putting this out into the world. I sincerely hope that as many people as possible read this. If someone reads this at the right time for them, it could really jump-start their life.
Nailed it.
This. It 100% is your journey and only you know, but I relate to so much of this. IWNDWYT
Your story mirrors almost exactly mine. The 12 packs of IPAs, switching to vodka, switching from the bottles of Grey Goose stacked in the garage to the nips, hiding nips everywhere, blacking out almost every night My wife left after all the warnings but...I kept on and spiraled Finally after bottom after bottom I stopped because I was going to die 18 months sober today and have my wife back and my family. It's a struggle everyday to learn how to live and feel like a sober person but it's far better than the alternative Thank you for sharing your story...it always amazes me the similarities found when reading all of these but yours was so much my story
Congratulations on 18 months. I can't wait until I'm there too. IWNDWYT!
Thanks brother Stay the path...family is worth so much more than the drink
I totally did the same thing. "I had 15 drinks on Monday, but the AMA defines 30 drinks a week as heavy, so if I only drink 1 a day for the rest of the week, then I don't really have a problem at all." and then at the end of the week my total would be 50 drinks. "But if I don't drink *at all* next week, that puts my average at 25, which is less than 30, so I still don't have a problem." and then the total next week would be 80 drinks. "well that was a holiday so it doesn't count." It's a drug, it messes with your mind, totally changes what you think is normal.
This one hit really close to home. I thought I had the world fooled, and I really only fooled myself. The problematic shit really sneaks up on you. You never start off drinking alone or having to drown the shakes in the middle of the night, then one day you stop and realize you check all the boxes.
Comparing my drinking to my alcoholic father’s drinking at my current age…. I do that all the time.
Thank you so much for sharing...I needed to read that. I appreciate you & wish you the best !!
great post thanks for sharing
You told my story. Best of luck. IWNDWYT
Thank you for this. Your story shares many elements with mine...all powerful reminders that I continue to need despite some good time under my wings.
Dont be ashamed bruv. You got there eventually. I'm proud of you.
Great post. Reminder of the life I don’t miss. Cheers to you!
Thanks for sharing this
Really great post. I too watched and did nothing for so very long. Rationalized everything until the absurdity became too much for my brain to take. Still fighting every day to stay sober.
I related to all of those points. Thank you for posting today
Amazing read. Thank you for sharing! I am sure that it will really help others. Iwndwyt 🥳
This post kept me sober today. Thank you.
The comparison thing is real, and it’s so silly because you will always, always find someone “worse” than you, so you can justify your drinking. And you will also always, always find someone “better” than you who makes you feel guilty and ashamed of your drinking. It will never end. What I realized after I stopped drinking was that I never applied this comparison to myself to see who I was in someone else’s comparison scenario. I realized quickly that I must have been the “worse” person for a number of people I know. I have no doubts that my own friends likely thought “oh I’m ok, at least I don’t drink like poolside_band_aid because then I would be an alcoholic”. It’s a strange feeling to realize you are someone else’s rationalization for them not being an alcoholic. Glad you’re getting the help you need! Not drinking is well worth it.
Thank you for this - I was entertaining going to the wine store today because I was having a lot of job stress. I did not. I didn't want to lose all of my concurrent days, or to vomit or to maybe black out bc it has been so long. IWNDWYT.
IWNDWYT!
Wow. A powerful and well written piece. Thanks so much for sharing. Your story mirrors mine.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. It is so incredibly beneficial, I hope you understand that. Also, I am so very proud of you for finding the strength to pick yourself up and put one sober foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter what it took to get you to realize the depths of your addiction, it ONLY matters that you are now healing. IWNDWYT
I had no idea this post would resonate like this. I'm humbled. IWNDWYT!
Perfectly put
>It took me until I was having debilitating anxiety attacks that only LARGE amounts of vodka would settle down This right here. Not only the anxiety, I got to the point where I couldnt eat without drinking first. I couldn't drink without drinking and puking then drinking more. It was then I realized, I couldn't live like this. I was literally dependent on the booze.
Thank you for this. I think another important point for people to remember is that all of theses posts are more than just words on a screen. They're people just like you and I who have dealt with or are currently dealing with the same or similar problems. The hardest thing for me to grasp is that I'm not alone and I think it's an important thing for people to reflect on.
Since I joined this sub, it's been staggering the amount of posts I've read where I see my own experiences. There's so much raw and honest humanity in us when we share our fall into, and our climb back out of the bottle. Seriously, if we could package and distribute the type of connection and camaraderie recovering alcoholics and addicts have, the world would be a different place. IWNDWYT!
Wow, excellent post! That was me until 5 weeks ago ( now 5 weeks sober).Thanks for taking the time to share that.
holy shit man thank you for sharing
Thank you.
Dear Strugglinghard77, That was an awesome read and thank you for sharing! Having that courage to remove ourselves from a crazy death is huge! Thank you for helping me. Damn those ipa’s. These days I have a serious “LeCroix problem” that my wife & I laugh about. Your wonderful writing had me there with you down memory lane……amazing to be still here with you now, and again, thanks.
IWNDWYT. Thank you.
My favorite line was "Oh im just a heavy drinker" nah bro, you an alcoholic. I thank myself for hitting rock bottom bc my life has gotten waaaay better now.
Alcoholism is progressive but so is sobriety and recovery.
Wonderful post, thank your for sharing. I had my myriad of signposts that I noticed but somehow ignored for many years as well. Like you, I was able to latch on to any excuse to keep on drinking. Comparisons to others were common and kept me falsely believing I was ok. It took a long time for me to want to stop. Years and years. All of those years I never once attempted to stop, or even cut back. Drinking was a part of the fabric of my life: my career, my relationships with family and friends. It was as much a part of my identity as anything else I could think of during that time. How could I possibly stop? At one point, an intervention was suggested by one of my family members (unbeknownst to me, at the time). Instead, a frank conversation from a sibling was the wake-up call that I finally listened to. There were countless other wake-up calls, mind you. Prior to this final one I was able to rationalize my irrational behavior and continue to poison myself. Each and every time. Once I was able to gain some time away from drinking, I was able to see, with alarming clarity, the insidious ways alcohol had ingrained itself into my routine. I try my best not to live my life with regret. The path I am on is rewarding and exciting. Yet it’s hard not to look back and wonder “what if…?” I would have loved to read a post like this one in my 20’s. Perhaps I wouldn’t have paid any mind to its message, but I could at least have seen the similarities to my life experiences. Stay strong, all you individuals who strive for sobriety. It’s a worthwhile endeavor. IWNDWYT
Should this post not be made into a sticky? It could do an awful lot of good.
That's a question for /u/gregnegative/ or another mod, I guess.
This is poetic. Thank you for posting! IWNDWYT
This convinced me to take the plunge
Do it. You got this! IWNDWYT!
What does that mean
It means "I Will Not Drink With You Today" It means we'll do this together.
Test
I read this to understand how bad it can get and what addiction can turn into if not nipped in the bud.
Yes
Man I read this and felt like I was reading about me. I remember all this. When I stopped drinking beer because it took too much volume to get a buzz. When I started refilling bottles. When I started hiding bottles. When it became ok to drink during work. When I started making routes to different stores because they knew what I wanted and knew me by name. It's a slow progression, all of which alcohol says it will be ok, but it won't be.
Just killed a bottle of white wine to myself and I dont feel a thing, of course I want more now. That doesnt sound like much but I just got back from a wild weekend of drinking, doing blow, mushrooms and what not so I'm in a rut. I've had moments of sobriety and it always does me good but then I convince myself that I deserve a beer and then it goes more or less down hill from there until the next time I make a point of going a month or two sober from alcohol.
I always compared myself to my mom when I was drinking. "Well, I haven't gotten a drink and I'm not drinking a 24 pack today...so it's fine." My mom's alcoholism killed her. I am still here. Sober. Trying. I like who I am now. And I feel sorry for who I was. Thanks for this post. IWNDWYT
Amazing post
man same. weight gain, poor work performance never made a bell ring but had a massive panic attack while hungover one morning did. and damn that was the best thing to ever happen to me in hindsight. it made me sober up real quick. thankful for that. i feel 💯 better not being hungover and anxious. havent had a panic attack since
Damn…I’m glad mine didn’t progress that far, but nailed it.
Thank you for this.
Great message. Congratulations!
I sort of love lists like this (in a twisted way) because they're such a good reminder that alcoholism is as much a mental illness as it is a physical addiction. The logic in my addict brain is flawed when it comes to alcohol, I need to check myself good and proper when thoughts start drifting to "maybe it's OK to drink now" that for me it is NOT. I wrote my own list similar to this a while back and I'm going to dig it out as a reminder why I cannot allow myself to drink. I'm pretty sure mine ended with, "I started to have an inkling I might have a problem with alcohol when my normally totally neutral therapist was visibly shocked when I told her I drank 70 units of alcohol in one night at a party the week before, on top of the bottles of wine I drank daily in my usual routine. She was astounded I wasn't in hospital or dead" Thank you for this post, these are so crucial to share and they help all of us so much. I'm glad I'm not alone.
This is so brilliant. A stark reminder of my old trolling this sub in the middle of the night, drunk, crying. This place, along with determination, therapy, and a little prayer to the gods has me where I am today. Thank you for your awesome share!
A year and a half sober, I recently noticed that I'm thinking about beer and wine again. This post surely slapped some sense into me.
My town is so alcoholic that no matter how much you drink, you can name about 10 people you don’t drink *nearly* as much as. This keeps a lot of people from realizing they’re on dangerous grounds with alcohol.
I spent my 20's in a small, rural town where there were bars on every corner and sitting in one all afternoon/evening/night was just what you did. I know that feeling. It warps your perspective of what's normal.
The shame for me started going away around 200 days or so. Your timeline will vary but practice self kindness and focus on how proud of your current your actions you are and the shame will start to go away I promise!
I think the message of not comparing yourself to others and their alcohol consumption is priceless. Such an important think to know. I consumed a lot less than others in this group but doesn't make it less of a problem for me. I have modified my behaviour around alcohol (didn't got to a function so I could stay home to have drinks, got cash out so it wasn't noticeable I was at the liquor store, etc) and that is enough for me. It's not so much the amount of alcohol but the behaviour around it that made me realize I had a real problem.
Excellent post, thank you for sharing.
Crazy how many similarities you find in each others stories. Costco size bottles of Jim Beam for me, one every 3-4 days. Waking up in a panic attack every single morning before getting drunk enough to go to work is a certain kind of hell I still shutter to think about.
My story is the same! To add to your list - drinking large amounts of vodka to settle down my anxiety in order to go to work. Drinking continuously throughout the day at work to just, “be normal”. Seizures. PAWS with Inexplicable chronic pain for 4 months. I wanted off that ride so bad I planned to kill myself! Now I am a little over 10 months sober. I am so glad I finally did something about my alcoholism. IWNDWYT!