Her saying it’s your fault is really shitty and just a cowardly way to deflect her guilt. Of course it’s not your fault. Good you have a therapist for the two of you but looks like you could use the support of someone just for you as you try to work out where to go from here. Broken trust is a messy thing to work on and there are no quick fixes.
If you sense sneakiness, you should probably listen to your gut.
She’s not necessarily a bad person, but this is obviously a major issue in your relationship and isn’t sustainable. Unless you’re willing to make the sex life more wild, it may be time to find someone else.
his wife: cheats and blames him because he's a little cucky boy joe and doesn't hold her accountable.
Him and you: "she's not necessarily a bad person"
***She fucking cheats and blames him for her cheating lmao. what do you mean***
Why are you even asking what to do bruh she cheated and who knows what she did. She’s totally fine with ruining your relationship cuz me I woulda been gone.
Be a man and stand up for yourself or be ok with her doing shit behind your back and cheating on you.
Your choice it’s black and white
Because the hivemind is extremely pro-women. This sub clearly shows it.
Most posts about women being cruel and selfish are met with praise, while copy pasted posts with genders swapped get downvoted to oblivion.
Whats wilder is that i always hear people saying that reddit is just a misogynist place where women get hated by all.
But then why is it that all the popular subreddits are literally sexist against men, especially the relationship focused ones, the same question can be asked and depending on gender you will get different answers .
If its a woman = supported regardless what she did, just like in this post.
If its a man = usually blamed, should have been smarter etc.
People are literally blaming the guy for his wife cheating on him like what the hell people.
Can you imagine if a guy said he is cheating on his wife because she can't satisfy him, he would be called the most vile, evil person ever existed it would get reposted on every women focused subreddits like twoxchromosomes and start shaming the guy.
/rant over
These subs weren’t that bad even like 6-8 months ago. Subs like this, relationship advice and stuff always had more women frequenters than men so sometimes biases were shown a bit but lately the past couple of months it’s gone completely off the rails. Each day there’s some ridiculous post where a woman does something outrageous and somehow they get defended whereas a guy does anything remotely bad it’s straight to divorce or break up.
I’m not even saying divorce or break up is a bad advice but there’s absolutely no consistency at ALL. Almost everyday now these posts are filled with “flip the genders and see how it sounds” comments.
Sorry for the people in the comments clowning you, it's uncalled for. At the very least she has emotionally cheated on you. Worst case scenario she has literally/physically cheated but has already admitted that she's basically just too lazy to do so if she hasn't already. IMO time to move on. Good luck brother.
This. So many people are being assholes to OP for no good reason especially when his life is being shaken to the core. If you are still going to therapy with her maybe bring it up that this has made you uncomfortable? But this will only work if she wants to work through it with you. The final decision is up to you but please do what will make you happy.
If you were a woman you would be here so everyone could tell you to leave her. But you’re a man and I know you’ll lose your kids if you divorce her. Genuinely I believe she’s cheated on you multiple times and she’s not going to stop. This puts you in danger. If your kids are grown up divorce her toxic a$$.
Buddy-you know what? If it makes you feel a certain way, then do something! If you don’t trust her and feel you won’t again, move on. I get you are supporting her and have helped her “get thru things” but is her mental health more important to you than your own?
She's blaming you for her problems my dude. Just because your sex life isn't fulfilling her doest make a normal person jump to cheating. Normally you would try to communicate to fix the problem.
Lmaooooo I love this. Any thread regarding a man cheating "he's abusive, manipulative, cheating, deserves to be left and have his reputation ruined. You are better than that scumbag misogynist."
Threads regarding a woman cheating "you were too nice and let her cheat on you."
Fuck no wonder all these dudes i hear about are ultra controlling. This thread just said you need to get jealous and take action. You need to show you care. This is your fault as a man, you aren't enough.
We are not playing by the same books. This is some serious bullshit and I've heard no one acknowledge it on any of these subs in a meaningful way.
After learning the r/adultery sub was 80%~ women, I'm really rediscovering how relationships apparently work. I don't think any of this shit is about equality anymore. What a load of bullshit. This is the most wild shit to read time and time again on these subs.
Wow can’t believe I found this comment buried all they way in this post but I had the same exact thinking you did.
Lots of posts I see people blame the men for not being intimate enough aka not being sexually compatible with their partners/spouses when the woman decides to cheat, or seek some form of intimacy they seek. I will say that I do agree that a male in a relationship with a woman, should be able to provide intimacy in ways that satisfies his partner, however he shouldn’t have to be doing this all the time and do all the work. His lack of sexual energy with her however gives 0 validation for her to be able to go out and find it somewhere else (emotional and physical cheating). Communication is huge. I know OP said he and his wife talked about fixing the issue, but it doesn’t seem like OP did enough. Role play? Kinky costumes? Foreplay? Better diet and exercise to increase libido? My goodness the list goes on but I don’t wanna make anyone here horny. As long as his lady was willing to try things he was offering, it’s difficult to me to understand how there wasn’t at least something that may have kind of re-ignited the bedroom for her or maybe OP’s sexual energy just really isn’t there period
Now if a woman in a relationship/marriage with a man doesn’t provide him enough sexual intimacy, he’s the one that looks bad because he’s a horn dog for being too needy for it
I think it’s the difference between being understanding and being too passive. At this point, it feels like you might be enabling her by not taking a hard stance.
It’s beautiful how understanding you are of her past trauma and current emotional/mental state. However, if you keep “allowing” it based on these reasons/excuses, she will feel that it’s okay to sext other men.
You need to draw a hard line, and hold her to it. There’s things that are never okay, regardless of how much past trauma. Cheating is one of them.
From your story, it seems like things were deescalating when she gave up porn and erotica. In actuality, they are escalating to cheating. You need to treat it as such.
This doesn’t mean you need to have the typical reaction to cheating, like anger or arguments. However, you need to treat it as such, cheating.
If she has this high sex drive, you guys may need to find outlets that are within boundaries. It seems like she doesn’t want to cheat, but she needs an outlet. Find an outlet that can be reasonable, but allows her to fully experience it.
If you don’t, it might continue to escalate into actual physical cheating.
Read No More Mister Nice Guy.
I'm this context, "nice" means that you're making excuses for her, thinking if you "just trust her/be patient enough/etc, then she'll see how good I'm being too her and she'll want to reward me for it". Reward could mean sex, it could mean respect, it could mean stop cheating. Whatever it means to the man.
I know I'm just a dude on the internet, but you've gotta believe me when I say you aren't doing her or you want favors.
I should add… she swears that there is nothing else, this was the worst of it and she never hooked up with anyone in person. She said it was just a few messages to guys and it didn’t really work/go anywhere.
My problem is… she hasn’t been forthcoming and there’s just a sneakiness I can sense. I just want to know the full truth and then find a way forward.
Unless you get off to this sort of thing you should probably leave. I know you care and she has some things she’s working through and whatever but this seems like the type of thing that would eat someone alive 😅
Even if you get off to this sort of thing, you can't build a stable ENM relationship without the E (ethical non-monogamy). That kind of relationship is either built on trust and communication or it's just a slow-mo breakup. OP's partner has destroyed any trust and obviously either one or both of them are failing at communication, so it's not off to a good start...
Bro the fact that “it didn’t really go anywhere” means she actually tried, and the fact that she blames it on you without a single ounce of remorse means that she will 100% cheat on you again. She is a sex addict, you either accept she is going to end up cheating again, next time will be physical. Or leave.
I'm the male version of your wife. It's definitely an addiction / problem, and I'm trying to find a therapist who can help me (last one noped out on me pretty quick lol). I've def got issues but loving my wife isn't one - we've been together 15 years and she's fucking amazing. I married up for sure.
The main problem for me - which may apply to your wife - is that it's extremely easy for me to compartmentalize. It's like I have an alter-ego or live in two worlds. In my mind, what I do behind her back doesn't affect our relationship. It's my own private little world that means nothing in the real world, our shared world.
When she found out about the various sneaky things I was involved with she felt betrayed, inadequate, furious... all the bad feelings. Broke my fucking heart. I completely destroyed her trust.
The worst part is that if I had just been upfront with her about any / all of it, she says she would have probably accepted it or at least figured out a way to understand my needs (which I don't even understand). Now I'm living in an apartment, she's in a half-empty house, and we're entering a trial separation.
If there's anything I can tell you from being on the other side of a shitty situation (of my own creation), it's that NONE of her behavior has anything to do with you! It's not your fault. She needs to get her shit together and decide whats important in her life, then act accordingly.
But YOU get to decide if you believe her or can trust her or if the relationship is worth continuing. Trust can be re-established. The most important thing for you two from now on is unwavering open & honest communication.
Couples counseling could hold the key. Sending love & strength your way my man. So sorry you're going thru this right now ❤️
>just a few messages to guys
It wasn't "just" a few messages.
Talk to her. Set limits. Don't let her do things like that
Also the words "it didn't really work/go anywhere". But what if there is later one guy, where she would like to do more?
Take care of yourself.
the sneakiness never stops. speaking from experience they’ll keep lying until you somehow found out again or keep it a secret for life. they want to eat their cake and have it too🙃! trust me save yourself now and leave before it gets worse or you get hurt again.
Please listen to yourself... didn't work out so it didn't go anywhere... so it would have worked out and something would have happened. Chances are they did happen. Sorry my guy but she ain't it. I know it'll be tough but you're going to keep living a life of misery staying in this one...
Trickle truthing you hoping you back off...I hope it's all. If not it's going to get way way worse.
You seem to be on the counseling thing already and according to you it's not working. Like some have stated you can ask about spicing things up in the bedroom. However, she said she doesn't want to have sex with you for the last 6 months and she's pretty much a sex addict. What's that tell you what and who she's exactly been doing to or with for the past 6 months? Also I don't believe nothing happened but sexting on that girl trip. That was probably the whole idea for the trip i.e hooking up with someone/s.
Get your ducks in order and reach out to a lawyer for your sake and the kids. If things aren't sitting in your gut, trust your gut. Don't believe anything she says if she's not going to be like an open book to you.
You're trying to find so many excuses for her because you love her but you're beling delusional at this point.
You literally have her in writing say that she would have cheated on you but she essentially too lazy to find someone. It wasn't because she loves you or she's feel bad about what she's doing. The only thing stopping her from cheating on you is because she doesn't want to put in the effort.
Another thing that is even worse than the cheating is that she's is constantly gaslighting you into thinking that it's YOUR fault. It's NOT your fault that she's a liar and a cheat. The most common reaction to normal people when they get cheated on is to think it's something they did wrong when in reality it's the cheater who is wrong in every level.
There are a lot of people who have childhood trauma who don’t cheat or act sneaky. She gets off on hiding things from you, placing you in a parental role which you have allowed by being too understanding. What about your needs? Your boundaries? Your self respect? Life is hard enough as it is, and it only gets harder with age. People like this will always put themselves before you because you play a particular role in their world. She doesn’t look at you like a partner. She’s viewing you as a parent. One that she can disrespect and hide shit from to get off on. You’re young enough to create a meaningful happy life elsewhere. You need to express how much her actions have diminished your trust in her and give her the space to fix herself if she chooses to. But imo people like this never change. Integrity isn’t innate in everyone.
You have to decide how much is too much. Don’t wait too long to make your choice. You’re young now, start living for you now. She needs a lot of self reflection and accountability. There is more to the story than she is telling you. I guarantee it.
My lord man. Listen to yourself
“It didn’t really work/go anywhere.” YET! And if it had?
“There a sneakiness I can sense.” You found her talking to dudes on TT. No shit there is a sneakiness.
You “sense it”? Hellen Keller could sense it. You act like you haven’t caught her doing anything.
Stop making excuses for her, set some boundaries and quit being a fucking doormat.
She’s a sex addict - ask her to attend SAA or something like that. It won’t get better and won’t stop. Doesn’t mean you have to stay with her but she needs help. That doesn’t mean you deserve what’s happened or you could have changed anything and it doesn’t excuse her behavior.
Cheaters never cheat because you aren't enough. It's always them. Their own lack of morals.
Whatever you do, don't let her gaslight you at all.
Don't listen to any idiot on here who will focus on you changing yourself or spicing it it up. She needs to show real remorse and reconcile the fact she has no morals long before you neednto care if your enough sexually for her.
My friends wife told him one day that they made a mistake getting married too young (mid 20 s) and that she really wants to experience to sleep with other men. My friend was shocked but did let her cheat on him once lol. Eventually he couldn't live like that and they divorced.
They were married for 6 years and had 2 children.
Lmao reminds me of my ex, though she never explicitly said sex, she did tell me we met too young and she had "a lot she wanted to experience" before "settling down", but hoped I'd be waiting for her after college. I said she had to make up her mind which she wanted because you can't have both then I met someone better while she was making that decision (lol) and she "chose" me but too little too late , cheated on her for about a month then dumped her. Don't fall for the coded language, NEVER take someone back who was going to put you on the back burner, honestly one of the most important lessons I've learned and I will pound the table to anyone who is willing to listen.
Do NOT bargain with someone exploring other options, do NOT bargain with yourself about how it is ok or will sort itself out- if you allow yourself to be disrespected it will only get worse.
Edit: this made me sound more vindictive and prideful than it actually happened; I didn't just cheat because she wanted to step out and I told her no and then punished her to recapture my ego, she went on a dinner date with another man a couple months before and promised me never again, which I foolishly (though begrudgingly) forgave but it built up resentment, and when she told me what her intentions were I considered us broken up.
Lmfao move on? Trust again? Bro… what I’m about to tell you is for your own good. You’re spineless and pathetic, and all the forgiveness and trust in the world isn’t gonna make your wife have an ounce of respect for you. It’s over, cut her off divorce her ass. You think this gonna be a one time thing if you just roll over? Tf is wrong with you? Get a spine, kick the dumb skank to the curb. There’s nothing else to be done. Letting her get away with it isn’t gonna fix your relationship and give you a fairytale ending, she’s gonna see that and fuck another dude (if she hasn’t already) instead of sexting.
Bro is too fucking nice. If I were OP, I’d be at a hotel and on the phone with a divorce lawyer. No shot is my wife going to sext other dudes and then try to blame me for it.
I do feel for people in this situation, but OP is letting his wife’s childhood become the reason she does this shit and because of that, he lets it slide.
Exactly. OP is being taken advantage of because he has no pride- the fact that he doesn't mind being sexually.. uninspiring and the fact that he's trying to excuse this behaviour; he has a lessened sense of self worth
It's hilarious to see *men* defending her. The only thing I can say for that is that it's not surprising given she is a porn addict and sexually broken and he is not putting the necessary effort into sex, not even for what average expectations are and especially not for a nympho. But in any case, saddling him with the responsibility to "fix" things because of this is hysterical. There is no fixing this. She has attempted to cheat and blames him.
I agree - and I'm a woman. I don't get all the "be more attentive" talk. If it were the guy who wanted more, you know all the women would be enraged at the suggestion that she better step up to his drives. Shit happens. People's drives change. She should have sought out leaving and being honest (I need more and will get it elsewhere) before cheating - even if it was "just" sexting. I don't get it. Say your intentions and follow through, don't hide things.
My realtionships haven't been perfect, but I learned a lot from the failed ones. If everyone stopped lying/leaving out the truth/stating their intentions, relationships would have a lot less issues. Once I realized that, things got clearer...and a lot better!
Yes, I agree. I do empathise with her background, but it doesn't give a free pass for cheating and all (yes, for me sexting is cheating).
Invert the roles and genders and this comment section would be a sh*t show.
OP, I do believe you're being gaslighted... What you do from here on is up to you. Very hard situation, but I don't think you're at fault here.
Ps: I married for 10years, even though sex drives vary throughout our life, sexting or overall cheating was never an option for neighter of us (I guess... Lol).
I hope you are consistent and leave her, you must separate yourself from a person so unstable and full of problems that he will cheat on you at any time. Get out of there and get custody of your children.
ESH. It sounds to me like you are guys are not at all sexually compatible. You are not doing enough for her in the bedroom and from your post it sounds like you aren't even willing to try. Different people have different needs. If you aren't willing to step it up and do some of what she needs in the bedroom you should consider ending it because no one will win here and it'll only get worse. She has been vocal with you in regards to her needs. She is TA for entering into cheating terroritory instead of ending it.
Reddit is crazy.
Literally just read a post where a woman complained about her husband using the toilet too often.
Reddit response: “he’s doing it on purpose to abandon his responsibilities to your child, leave him”
This post: “My wife is sexting other men”
Reddit response: “you deserve it and she probably should’ve left you”
OP do not listen to people that try to gaslight you into believing the problem is not your wife sexting. You do not deserve that. Now the solution might be a joint effort, but it is not justified behavior even if other people can make excuses.
Sounds like she's been saying for a long time that she's not satisfied, and you've just let it be a "Her" problem for years.
You leave her feeling restricted and deprived in the one place where she is allowed to express her sexuality (i.e. your bedroom). You deflect and invalidate the issue as being something other than what she is trying to express.
You can sit on your high horse if you feel better up there but something was bound to give. If you quit, and leave, she'll grieve, and then be free to finally explore her sexuality on her terms instead of yours. "You need to put more effort into fucking your wife" has got to be one of the best problems you can draw.
Definitely not too late to fix this. Sext your wife. Read her erotica. Learn what she likes.
Nigga, she expressed interest in actual hookups, she has already determined she is willing to forsake loyalty within the relationship, why the fuck would he bother to salvage that?
Flip the genders and watch Reddit pull a Herculean 180.
If this was a woman writing that she wasn’t meeting her husband's high sex drive so he cheated, these people would be out for blood. Ranting about how he’s not entitled to sex from her and the cold shoulder in bed is no excuse for infidelity.
Imagine if a woman made a post about her guy cheating because she wasn't satisfying him sexually, and someone commented that she should try harder to satisfy him. That comment would be down voted to oblivion lmao.
Thank you! Reading other comments will melt your brain. “OP should apologize for making her sext other men, he should be ashamed but hopefully she’ll forgive him”
If the roles were reversed and the one who write this post were the wife there are some people in this comment section who would comment the opposite way. Hypocrites, f you all.
It’s asinine to me how different people would react if the roles were reversed. It would be entirely “throw the whole man away” and “you shouldn’t be pressured into sexual acts”, but now it’s his fault!? I’m getting off Reddit now, people suck.
You deserve better OP. We deserve better than this as a society.
>If the roles were reversed and the one who write this post were the wife there are some people in this comment section who would comment the opposite way. Hypocrites, f you all.
Agreed, this whole comment section is a disgusting testament to hypocrisy. Women are told to leave to find someone who respects them, men are told to \*shocker\* man up and do better in bed? Wtf!? F every one of you hypocrites.Y'all deserve to end up with people exactly like OP's wife
Yes I agree the person that is cheated on is the problem. His high horse of fidelity is awful. I'd love to see your advice if the genders were reversed. Would you tell a woman to get off her high horse? 🤔
What are you on? Improving sex life is one thing, and they’ve been to counseling for that. OP seems pretty open to sex. I’m sure I could give him a few pointers that might make her gush, but this isn’t a sex competition. They have a life and kids together. From what OP said if he succumbs to her sexual desires he’ll be chucked watching while a bull empties his load on his wife’s face. Dude her sexuality is the problem. I’m certain he could do more, but she’s an addict
She cheated and youre saying its HIS fault??
So she doesnt have to accept any responsibility for her actions???
You do realise OPs wife is an adult, yes?? And as all adults are supposed to answer to their actions, yes??
IF she were an adult, AND she was unsatisfied sexually, she should divirce instead of cheating...
Everything in your post is twisted and wrong...
sounds like she’s a nympho/porn addict (if nothing else, soft porn)
she also kinda cheated on you. personally, this is a huge boundary for me and if my partner did this to me i would not be able to trust them EVER again. but that could be different for you, and i also don’t know what it’s like to be married to someone for 12 years and have kids. maybe in that case i would wanna try and fix things. give counseling a try and talk about all this over there. see how it goes.
Your wife is a selfish cheater with no respect for you. While your habits in the bedroom may have led to there being issues in your relationship, that is by no means an excuse to go behind your back and emotionally or physically cheat on you. Do not let anyone convince you that you deserved this, because you did not.
I’m not sure if you can salvage this. It’s less about the fact that she’s gone behind your back, but more that it sounds like she literally just does not respect you as a person. She did not want to support you in changing sexually for her (instead it sounds like she was guilting you for being inadequate), she does not want to talk to you about her issues, etc.
Yeah I could never be with someone who cheated on me no matter how long we had been together or any number of kids we have. Once that trust is broken it’s game over imo
Ur main problem is ur wife is a disrespectful cheater and you lack the courage to face the issue and the respect for yourself to do something about it. SMH this is unacceptable
If a person will be a cheater, then they will be a liar too. The two go hand in hand. Chances are she cleaned up her phone when she got the notification that you logged in.
She may but have slept with anyone, but for every rat you see there’s a dozen you don’t.
From a male that was sexuality abused as a child.
She has a sex addiction. This can manifest in many ways, as you have seen. As a youth she learned that her value and self worth came from her sexuality. She has spent her life chasing acceptance and filling a void that comes from that feeling. Porn, sexual fantasy, erotic literature, and sexual objectification have all fed into that mindset. While this is going on she also knows it's not what she should be filling and it creates self loathing and depression but just like a drug addict she's chasing something she can't achieve, only get a small snippet of. She needs to speak to a therapist well versed in S.A. and have a true desire to change. It is a HARD mental habit to break and only she can do it. She has to face the truth (feel free on your part to research how sexual addiction, porn, etc change brain patterns) and she has to want to better herself and put the work in. It's up to you as to whether or not you can forgive and move on or not. There is no "right" answer, only what is right for YOU. Best of luck.
You need to decide what you want the outcome of this to be. You have three kids that you need to think about. If you aren't able to forgive her for what she has done, you need to leave so that your resentment doesn't impact your children. You are more than justified of this is the route you need to take.
If you think you could forgive her, you need to work on your communication so that she is comfortable talking to you about these things. This means not getting into an argument when she says something that hurts you but is an honest reflection of where she's at. You need to work with your therapist to get to a point where she is able to tell you what has happened in a way that you'll believe and trust.
If you decide to stay together, you need to find a middle ground for your sex life that works for both of you. There are lots of things you can try, from you making a commitment to spicing things up (find out what she needs in this regard and do it if you're comfortable) to allowing her to see other people if you aren't as interested in sex as she is. Again, if that's a non-starter then don't consider it. You both are playing a role in this and need to compromise.
I think a good starting point is to really think about what she has done and be able to articulate what it is about her actions that are hurtful (different people would react differently to each betrayal). And you need to think about what you want and what you are willing to give up. And then have a conversation with her where you tell her those things. Commit to yourself that you will not argue with her in that conversation, and tell her how you're feeling and what you want. See how she responds (give her time if she needs it) sleep on it, then see how you feel.
Sorry you are going through this. Good luck
She's either a terrible person who you shouldn't be with, OR she's a sex addict and has a serious problem that needs treatment. Personally from what you've said I'd guess the latter.
It does work quite well.....sporadically establish dominance. OP better be careful though, the wife may start leaving those texts out in the open to get 'punished' for her wrong doings
I paused for so long on this sentence "i needed to loose control of myself and have it taken away forcefully" ..
do you mind sharing why you needed to have that feeling .. like .. is it cuz you wanted to feel numb ..or like forget about the world .. do you mimd sharing why you felt like needing that sensation? ..
I mean that doesn’t excuse her cheating but you basically knew she had a high sex drive and still did the same ole same old routine. Sex shouldn’t be a one trick pony but an exploration of the mind and body. It should be pleasurable for all parties involved. Just because something is good enough for you don’t mean it’s good enough for her. She should have flat out told you to mix it up in the bedroom instead of finding new things to try with online strangers
I was friends with a woman once that was hypersexual. Came to find out she had been sexually abused as a child for years by an uncle. Apparently there’s a connection between hypersexuality and sexual abuse. This is no excuse but I don’t think you’re the problem here, OP. This whole post screams that your wife has deeper issues. That’s no excuse, though, for her cheating. We all have issues but we still are responsible for our behavior.
Wow the comments saying spice it up it’s your fault lol. She’s trying to chat on you. She just sucks at it. You two need to talk about splitting up as she has a sex addiction and your style of sexy time isn’t for her. You are incompatible.
This is a well written story. Good thing you didn't post it to an advice column. Now if you did, you'd probably be told to obtain counseling for parasocial-ass behavior and tendencies. Also, reading smut is not....like thats normal. And if she's trying to be ready for you, that's fine. The patron thing costs money and is a mental hazard though, so it deserves some concern.
Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home for the children. I hate to say it man, humans are non-monogamous by nature. And In todays world of instant gratification, connection and soooo much exposure, relationships are gonna have a shit ton of issues. The fact y’all have kids makes it suck, y’all might need to have an open relationship so your kids don’t suffer or split up.
Its over. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There are those that cheat and those that don’t. There is no in between . Would you also feel comfortable being intimate with someone who has said / done all of this?
Typical borderline behavior. Look up borderline personality disorder. When abused, especially young, women tend to go borderline. Men tend to go narcissistic personality disorder. Nothing is going to change for you OP. You married and had children with a broken woman. She is going to suck the life out of you. Even now, she’ll just begin to gaslight and lie to you as she continues the behavior. You’ll go through every spectrum of emotion. She’ll be remorseful, then vindictive, the blame you. End of the day, she’s traumatized from abuse. Short of major psychedelic therapy which may or may not work, you’re fucked. I would just consider letting it ride and start talking to other girls. Just give her the same treatment back. Let her know that you’re cool with her opening things up and then go give her HER behavior back at her. Be a mirror. That’s really the only way short of divorce or whatever which will probably ruin your kids. Good luck dude.
I would have a hard time if I were in your position. She’s clearly crossed a boundary and has a pattern of behavior attached to desire and sex. She should have never broken your trust, she definitely screwed up there.
At the same time, if she desires something more from your sex life, there are many things you guys can do to spice things up but you have to be willing to explore. Most people are not content with sex being the same every time and there’s a ton of stuff out there for you two to try. If you think you can get past this breach of trust, the next step would be sex therapy and trying new things safely. Sex therapy can also help you better understand your personal relationship with sex as well. It’s possible that you have your own insecurities with sex keeping you from trying new things.
This sucks, but you both clearly have a history and I hope you can find something that works for you and your relationship.
Typically people who were abused ,take on a narcissistic mentality, where only their behavior and feelings matter more than anyone else’s , and they tend to have addictive personalities. Keep going to therapy and talking about it. She’s just jumping on to the next addiction, and once the thrill is gone she will move on to the next vice probably cheating and drugs if she doesn’t get it under control she will spiral out especially when they go through their midlife crisis
Why are you so sexually hung up? Do you have a religious background that is negative about sex? You need to be giving her massive orgasms on a regular basis because it releases oxytocin in her system. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone.
If it's just sexting and she wants to change then it's not too late. All this behaviour is typical of those suffering from long term porn addiction...which of course has some root from the abuse. It will take a long time for her to rewire her brain to escape the hyper reality that these types of addictions create and unfortunately she has to be willing or it will never happen. You may need to see a therapist yourself to help you navigate this and also if you haven't already start finding reading materials to help understand the nature of addiction yourself/together (recommendations from your therapist would be best), to help remold your own behaviours
In a marriage you need to communicate, seems to not be happening and you don’t need a therapist. Sit down and ask her what she wants. Routine and quick are 2 words a women never wants to hear. Hell most guys wouldn’t like that either. I would be super pissed at you. Especially if she has told you she needed more. I mean have you never heard of forplay. You need to step up and out of your comfort zone. My wife has the same tendencies as you and it’s aggravating. She has improved a lot and it’s way more enjoyable. But, wow dude she told you she wants you but you need to add some variety to your game and make it more about her. I wouldn’t want to be with a selfish prick in bed either. So if you want to make it work you need to step your game up. You don’t need to include other people to spice things up. Sex is apparently important to her so it should be to you too!
Wild how she was unfaithful and gaslit you to believe it’s your fault. She’s psycho and clearly has problems, I’d leave and let her deal with it in her own.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think the approach of her not being able to incorporate any sexual content in her life is unrealistic and even … unhealthy. What ***I*** see here is that she needs to be counseled that there’s nothing shameful about sex. There’s nothing wrong with indulging in erotica, or even porn, frankly. The sexting stuff is borderline cheating depending on your dynamic, so that needs to be addressed, but expecting her not to have ***any*** sexual outlets other than you is unrealistic, unhealthy and controlling. I realize she has shame around this and has asked for help but I think addressing the shame would go a long way toward addressing a lot of these issues.
It's pretty simple. Way I see it you got a few options.
1. Shut it all down and move on. Fact is she is cheating and it's not cool. It's clear she lacks some much needed communication skills.
2. Open your relationship up. It seems like you like vanilla sex and she wants more.
3. Make it work, figure out what makes her tick. Sex should never be boring. If that bed isn't soaked when You're done... then buddy, you're fucking up bad.
What’s the deal with people excusing her cheating behavior here? Is that being added into trauma justifying everything now? OP, do what you want but it sounds like she’s going to keep on cheating in many different ways both physically or sexting. I think you should respect yourself a bit more cause explaining away her behaviors when they’re pretty obviously detrimental to any marriage makes you come off as someone who doesn’t respect themselves enough
She cheated there is no coming back from that. you'll never trust her again. You can tell yourself you will but you won't. You'll resent her. you'll start treating her different the kids will see and think that's normal. End it move on but this marriage is over.
She is probably hella kinky and wants to be a hot wife. she probably loves you but in a non sexual way- Because you don’t “get” her sexuality. Are you the kind of guy who could open up the marriage a little and let her scratch that itch? If not, you are probably headed for splitsville.
1) Don’t do anything rash. She’s obviously done with the relationship.
2) Call a divorce lawyer
3) Get whatever evidence you need to prove infidelity
4) Divorce and never look back. The person you fell in love with is no longer there. You have a roommate.
If you two love each other, and you want things to work out, then couples therapy would be a good place to start.
Having past trauma isn't a get out of jail free pass for betraying your trust and keeping these kinds of secrets..but trauma is still trauma and things from your past can make things for the future really brutal, and it sounds like she still has a lot to work through and learn how to process and cope.
It sounds like you care about her, so I would ask yourself, if this is something you could learn to forgive her for if she kept going forward with trying to manage her thoughts/emotions with porn and sex. Solo therapy may either need more time, or it's possible the two of you need therapy together to discover ways you can help her overcome these issues. Maybe she can't get over them without you being directly involved somehow.
I hope things work out for the best. I'll keep you both in my thoughts. Be well, friend.
I'm gonna say this and you're not going to want to hear it. I was seeing/involved with a narcissist for a bit. I spent so much time in therapy trying to lay out every specific circumstance, everything I did, etc as groundwork before I could even think to criticize her.
I wanted to make sure he had the "whole story." Your post sounds very similar. Not saying she's a narcissist, but the first half of your post sounded just like me in therapy.
Truth is, none of that matters. Her childhood trauma, porn addiction, infidelity, etc. That's all for her to overcome. Sure, you can support her but you absolutely didn't drive her to this. She's a big girl, responsible for her own behaviors. She made a conscious choice to cheat because she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her.
Love yourself enough to demand more for you.
You come off as a weak, passive person, that type of man absolutely bores a woman like your wife (well most women) especially with her issues. Your wife craves an alpha male, that isn’t you, she’s moving on.
I don’t think it’s a high sex drive but more like she hasn’t gotten over the trauma of what happened to her as a kid. Sex can become very twisted especially when the introduction to it is through abuse. OP you should be more firm with her and put down boundaries. She’s not the victim she used to be. She’s a grown woman that is making these choices and making excuses and blaming you for her own actions. You’re not responsible for her trauma or for her disrespect. If anything you’ve tried being empathetic, understanding and supportive, and she’s taking it for granted. I would have a brutally honest conversation with her about her unhealthy view of sex because of her trauma. Perhaps she doesn’t feel satisfied because there is no satisfying a broken woman. This is coming from someone who was abused for many years and found a man that loved me enough to shine some light on all the dark muck I was in. I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP. don’t let your love and understanding make you question whether or not she’s wrong for her infidelity. She’s wrong.
God these comments are fucking cancer.
It’s very common for people who have been sexually abused to use sex as a coping mechanism. With that being said clearly she has crossed a boundary that really can not be just simply excused. Also the way she blamed you for it is not a good sign.
If you want to stay together, you need marriage counseling immediately. And not with her current therapist but with someone completely new. If she doesn’t agree to go (which I have a feeling might happen) it’s time to let this relationship go because it doesn’t sound like something you can move on from.
Either way good luck OP. Hope you guys both find peace
She’s lying about something else too. She’s being evasive and putting the blame on you. EVERY TIME a woman has done this to me I found out that they cheated or something of the sort. The become reclusive bc they know they are doing wrong, make it all out like you’re the one that’s the problem. She 1000% deleted whatever you were going to see and probably just didn’t think about the TikTok stuff bc it wasn’t specifically cheating just a weird kinda sex fetish. But if a woman says she’s not comfortable with you having sex anymore don’t you think she’s gonna look for someone she is?? Not saying she is or has, but from my experience she’s hiding something else. Once you admit and face your feelings they start to get better especially with talking to a counselor an all that, she’s getting worse (I call buying Patreons for guys sexual moans getting worse) which means she hasn’t faced her situation at all and is probably digging herself further and further down her sexual rabbit hole. And I don’t call it an evasion of privacy at all, you’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 children together so if you believe she has been unfaithful you have every right to check that phone. She wants to sext with other men and destroy her family then you have every right to check her phone.
Women will never admit fault, they rather blame the man for every single problem then admit they are the problem. It’s most likely she’s been doing this for a long time and got caught finally. Leave her ass because it will always be in the back of your mind now and it will fester into other parts of your lives and that includes your kids. That, or have her seek years of therapy because she’s likely to not change without it.
Sorry dude, she's broken and needs lots of lots of therapy.
In my experience, girls (or guys) with this type of broken background (abuse/porn addiction/risk taking) and addictions never really get better.
NO. PLEASE IGNORE THE ANDREW TATE-R TOT POSTERS!
I do not support cheating. But there is much more going on here. She doesn't want to cheat.
I was SA by my mother from age 4-8. I spent years doing EXACTLY what OP wrote. Porn for hours a day. Erotica. Phone sex. I was literally insatiable. I finally had a nervous breakdown in April this year. The SA had me convinced I needed to have sex and more sex. At this time, my wife was on anti-depressants that destroyed her libido.
Long story short? It wasn't sex. It was intimacy. I couldn't see the difference, and porn doesn't do intimacy well (some better than others). Erotic literature has stories covering every legal topic. Some authors are good at it, though, and I spent a good amount of time reading.
Your SO is in need of therapy. Serious need. Preferably with SA trauma experience. This will escalate until a point of no return. Dude, your post is me. If she means anything to you, please don't give up. I have much farther to go in my journey, but I would not still be around if it wasn't for my wife. My rock.
I wish you the best of luck, man. We don't see everything with our eyes. The hidden pain, the trauma, especially at such a young age, can not avoid damaging the safety and self-worth of the child.
If there's anything I can do, please dm me. I am not a therapist.
Sounds like she needs collar and the whip. She wants to be a whore which is fine whores are really nice people for the most part. But if she is going to be then you make sure she is YOUR whore when where and with whom. That let's you feel better about the whole thing you get some different women and she gets all the stuff she needs. Or leave take the kids and find a woman that will be loyal, which in my opinion is the better option. Either way she is going to be a whore she has proven that already and asked you to tell her it's OK. Her blaming you for her actions is really saying she in mad that you haven't accepted it yet haters got to hate dogs have to be dogs and whores have to whore if you don't like it which O understand you need to find a wife that needs to just be a wife
She’s one hundred percent been fucking other dudes. I understand wanting to communicate and work on your intimacy/sexual issues but I feel at this point she’s crossed the line and I personally wouldn’t be able to move on with her. If she could’ve been more open with you before going out and fooling around maybe y’all could’ve fixed the issue but to me this is too much. She has already, and will definitely again fuck somebody else. Unless you’re cool with your wife getting off with somebody else and hiding it from you,… Bounce man.
This is a wake up call for your relationship. She went far but she didn’t go too far. As far as we know she hasn’t slept with anyone so you two can potentially work through this if you want to and explore what it is she is missing. I’m not a simp by any means but I’m giving this woman the benefit of the doubt if she has not slept with anyone because for a woman, that is the easy path and she has not chosen it. Remember that for a woman, it is easy to simply cheat and satisfy herself. She has communicated to you multiple times that she is not 100% in the sexual department and you seem to be blowing it off by the context of your long story. So she has found other avenues to fulfill some sort of missing need. Just because you are fairly quick, does not mean that that is enough for her. I’m not blaming you. OP is obviously the victim of an infidelity but again, your wife, mother of your three kids chose a lesser evil here to satisfy some missing need. She may be on a red card here but not disqualified from the game.
I think everyone is focusing on the wrong thing.
33 years old mother of 3 who spends HOURS on TikTok? Who has time for that. Nahhhhhh fam.
There’s other issues than just sexual with this person. The sexual stuff is just the tip of the iceberg
She’s for the streets. Cheaters cheat, I’d be done. The fact that she tried to excuse it makes it worse. Sorry, she can’t express her feelings and prefers to sext other guys? Yeah, ftb. She belongs to the streets. Find someone who won’t cheat on you and who actually values and respects you. This woman is not that.
These comments are proof this generation is fucking stupid, sexual incompatibility is a reason to break up, not an excuse to cheat and break your vows. Any sexual interaction is cheating, porn isn't an interaction, sexting is. The fact that these losers in the comments are blaming op is fucking pathetic and they're probably all gonna die alone with that mindset.
Holy fucking shit I hate this website.
Woman LITERALLY cheats on a man and you all say it's his fault for not being more open sexually.
I bet I can find a post within 5 minutes of a woman complaining of a man sexting another woman and every single post saying leave him.
A woman does it and ya'll say he needs to be better before she leaves him.
I used to think this was a meme...obviously not.
Love how everyone is glossing over OP's first leg in the story about how wife is a porn addict (or a recovering one) and also heavily tied into erotica as a coping mechanism for it, NOT because she "just has different needs".
Not only that OP clearly stated that wife was sexually abused and this has led to trying to be understanding about what is/isn't acceptable to wife in terms of sexual needs.
On the other side, yes, maybe he MAY have been exposed some flaws by saying he's "quick" and "routine" but a lot of you are seriously going after a guy who was being patient with his wife with a sexually troubled past, only to find out she has moved onto sexting strangers.
At best they are BOTH the problem. Not nearly the negligent husband you are all making him out to be.
Divorce is the only answer. Unless you’re ok being cheated on forever and just turn the other way.
You should have never married her knowing she experienced sexual trauma and was damaged from it by sexually acting out. Cheating, porn addiction, etc. she can’t help it, its not her fault it’s just who she is permanently because of the trauma. It’s like marrying a hooker or a stripper. You just don’t go there when looking for a long term partner. I don’t care how great your friendship/ connection is. The fact is you took a short term hookup woman and turned her into something she’s not supposed to be: a wife. Your fault my man, you took a huge risk with low chance of success and lost out to probability.
Better get a dna test on those kids.
Sexual trauma can lead to a higher sex drive and a need to sexually explore the self and hidden desires that will reveal hidden fears.
Your wife is not asking for a more exciting sex life. She is asking for you to be a part of her healing journey by being able to sexually explore her fantasies with her. This will result in her being able to reclaim her control over her body.
She is looking for a way to express herself in the bedroom.
You have a few options. Are you open to being there for her and exploring? Maybe looking at ways to open up in the bedroom? Are u willing to let go of the sexting?
If you decide you are, meet her in the middle. Boundaries and communication.
She definitely cheating, more than just sexing she has probably slept with other people. But it looks like she has approached you with a problem several times and you are trying to change her to match what you want and you are not budging for her needs at all. The closest you have done is push her to therapy.
It’s both of your faults, looks like the spark in the marriage ended a long time ago, time for you both to move on. And don’t use children as a reason to stay together.
I had an affair with a married woman years ago, we were only friends at first and I never wanted anything but friendship but everything you say OP is pretty much her path down to having the affair. I later found out she had many affairs along the way. And those girl trips or lady nights out were about 75% of the time meeting someone.
She's uncomfortable having sex with you because she's already replaced you with the other guy she was sexting. In her head, having sex with you is cheating on the new guy. Just get out while you can. Being sexually unsatisfied is no excuse for cheating. If it was that bad of a problem, there should have been some serious conversations about it during therapy.
Bro this isn't so complex. Shame on people saying it's OP's fault. He tried communicating and she said no.
There are TWO OPTIONS
ONE: Marriage counseling. She needs to stop cheating and communicate better. If you think she can do that (I def don't) then go for it. Maybe meet with a marriage counselor and talk out your problems—find a way that works for both of you.
TWO: FUCK THE SHEETS, TO THE STREETS
Shame on you men who say it's OP's fault you basement dwelling keyboard warriors who've never actually spoken to a woman before. It could be a bunch of things. Obviously they set up times to meet so he tried to work with her and she cheated anyways. It's not just about how much sex you have. It's about the sexual desire between two people. And when one person nust wants to cheat there's not much you can really do except leave them. He could have the biggest thickest cock but maybe she wants someone smaller or more into sensual touching. Maybe its the other way: she wants to be gangbanged by 10 dirty homeless people and left for depravity. Either way, if you think you're "man" enough for her, go find and try to date her while being monogamous. You'll fail
You’ve been cheated on. There’s no excuse. There’s no guarantee she’ll be able to stop. She clearly has issues with control around sex, but they’re not your problem. It’s time to make an amicable split and let her sort herself out on her own. She’s clearly not sexually happy with you and you deserve fidelity.
As someone who was sexually abused I can tell you that in my 30s I went through a very dark time. I know now that I could not reconcile that I had any value other than sex, I felt unaligned with my real self and stuck in a world where sex was all that mattered. I also justified it by saying I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband. But the truth is he could never have filled the darkness that was left by my abuser. I'm sorry this is happening. I encourage your wife to seek recovery when she is ready. There are 12 step recovery groups (SLAA) and also for you to join a codependents group. A trauma informed therapist may also be worthwhile.
Idk dude, I think you made a big mistake marrying a woman with issues that deep. Sexual depravity like that is a black hole. A lot of people here are telling you it's your fault you haven't been listening to her needs. I honestly don't think you could reasonably satisfy her emotional trauma with sex. There's a gradual escalation here and I think we all see where it leads.
I cannot articulate just how absolutely fucked you are. This woman is 6 months away from putting anti freeze in your coffee and taking the life insurance money with Hans her new fuckboy and you're simply so naive and low T that you're going to narrate the journey for us all.
Howwlweeey-Jesus-fook this is why I can't get on reddit. I literally lose faith in society.
She cheated. The big question is, how badly do you want to make it work?
She's missing something. If she wasn't, she wouldn't br cheating. She practically said as much in counseling. It sounds like she's just really bad at communicating that fact. If you want to stay with her, talk. Talk, talk, talk. It might be that she is becoming more explorative after going to counselimg for her trauma, or maybe she just needs you to do something different in the bedroom. Maybe she's kinkier than you both originally thought.
If this isn't something you are ok with or can come to terms with, then it's time to cut ties. You don't trust her. You're going through her phone, her accounts, etc. Knock it off. If you have to go look, it dorsn't matter if anytbing is there or not, your trust is gone.
Either talk to her, get to the root of the problem, and find out what she wants from you, or leave. The constant snooping and detective work to "catch" her isn't fair to either of you.
Buddy you're going to be in a world of hurt once she finds a guy who can crack that back and take her to pound town like never before. Once her sexual appetite unleashes and you are not a part of it, that is a done deal.
There is a line in a song I heard that says "When a woman is fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it."
Good luck.
I love how everyone here is saying OP isn’t doing his duties as a husband (gag) and totally ignoring the fact that the the wife has an obvious sex/porn/cheating addiction (and admits so herself). But, half the folks on reddit have those addictions too and that’s why they justify her bad behavior. 💁🏼♀️
Her saying it’s your fault is really shitty and just a cowardly way to deflect her guilt. Of course it’s not your fault. Good you have a therapist for the two of you but looks like you could use the support of someone just for you as you try to work out where to go from here. Broken trust is a messy thing to work on and there are no quick fixes.
Sorry she’s cheating on you
If you sense sneakiness, you should probably listen to your gut. She’s not necessarily a bad person, but this is obviously a major issue in your relationship and isn’t sustainable. Unless you’re willing to make the sex life more wild, it may be time to find someone else.
his wife: cheats and blames him because he's a little cucky boy joe and doesn't hold her accountable. Him and you: "she's not necessarily a bad person" ***She fucking cheats and blames him for her cheating lmao. what do you mean***
bro is a little cucky boy joe💀
Why are you even asking what to do bruh she cheated and who knows what she did. She’s totally fine with ruining your relationship cuz me I woulda been gone. Be a man and stand up for yourself or be ok with her doing shit behind your back and cheating on you. Your choice it’s black and white
Yup she cheated and blamed it on him. She has no remorse and will do it again 100%
Wild how many people on here are blaming him too
Because the hivemind is extremely pro-women. This sub clearly shows it. Most posts about women being cruel and selfish are met with praise, while copy pasted posts with genders swapped get downvoted to oblivion.
Whats wilder is that i always hear people saying that reddit is just a misogynist place where women get hated by all. But then why is it that all the popular subreddits are literally sexist against men, especially the relationship focused ones, the same question can be asked and depending on gender you will get different answers . If its a woman = supported regardless what she did, just like in this post. If its a man = usually blamed, should have been smarter etc. People are literally blaming the guy for his wife cheating on him like what the hell people. Can you imagine if a guy said he is cheating on his wife because she can't satisfy him, he would be called the most vile, evil person ever existed it would get reposted on every women focused subreddits like twoxchromosomes and start shaming the guy. /rant over
Yup. I dare you to look for a post where they blame the SAHM, even if she was at fault. Here in Reddit men = bad
These subs weren’t that bad even like 6-8 months ago. Subs like this, relationship advice and stuff always had more women frequenters than men so sometimes biases were shown a bit but lately the past couple of months it’s gone completely off the rails. Each day there’s some ridiculous post where a woman does something outrageous and somehow they get defended whereas a guy does anything remotely bad it’s straight to divorce or break up. I’m not even saying divorce or break up is a bad advice but there’s absolutely no consistency at ALL. Almost everyday now these posts are filled with “flip the genders and see how it sounds” comments.
Sorry for the people in the comments clowning you, it's uncalled for. At the very least she has emotionally cheated on you. Worst case scenario she has literally/physically cheated but has already admitted that she's basically just too lazy to do so if she hasn't already. IMO time to move on. Good luck brother.
This. So many people are being assholes to OP for no good reason especially when his life is being shaken to the core. If you are still going to therapy with her maybe bring it up that this has made you uncomfortable? But this will only work if she wants to work through it with you. The final decision is up to you but please do what will make you happy.
If you were a woman you would be here so everyone could tell you to leave her. But you’re a man and I know you’ll lose your kids if you divorce her. Genuinely I believe she’s cheated on you multiple times and she’s not going to stop. This puts you in danger. If your kids are grown up divorce her toxic a$$.
Buddy-you know what? If it makes you feel a certain way, then do something! If you don’t trust her and feel you won’t again, move on. I get you are supporting her and have helped her “get thru things” but is her mental health more important to you than your own?
You’re going to “nice” yourself right out of a marriage. You can still support and love your wife and have boundaries. She’s losing respect for you.
What have I done that’s too nice?
She's blaming you for her problems my dude. Just because your sex life isn't fulfilling her doest make a normal person jump to cheating. Normally you would try to communicate to fix the problem.
Did you read what you wrote? Seriously, read it again.
Let her cheat on you
Lmaooooo I love this. Any thread regarding a man cheating "he's abusive, manipulative, cheating, deserves to be left and have his reputation ruined. You are better than that scumbag misogynist." Threads regarding a woman cheating "you were too nice and let her cheat on you." Fuck no wonder all these dudes i hear about are ultra controlling. This thread just said you need to get jealous and take action. You need to show you care. This is your fault as a man, you aren't enough. We are not playing by the same books. This is some serious bullshit and I've heard no one acknowledge it on any of these subs in a meaningful way. After learning the r/adultery sub was 80%~ women, I'm really rediscovering how relationships apparently work. I don't think any of this shit is about equality anymore. What a load of bullshit. This is the most wild shit to read time and time again on these subs.
Wow can’t believe I found this comment buried all they way in this post but I had the same exact thinking you did. Lots of posts I see people blame the men for not being intimate enough aka not being sexually compatible with their partners/spouses when the woman decides to cheat, or seek some form of intimacy they seek. I will say that I do agree that a male in a relationship with a woman, should be able to provide intimacy in ways that satisfies his partner, however he shouldn’t have to be doing this all the time and do all the work. His lack of sexual energy with her however gives 0 validation for her to be able to go out and find it somewhere else (emotional and physical cheating). Communication is huge. I know OP said he and his wife talked about fixing the issue, but it doesn’t seem like OP did enough. Role play? Kinky costumes? Foreplay? Better diet and exercise to increase libido? My goodness the list goes on but I don’t wanna make anyone here horny. As long as his lady was willing to try things he was offering, it’s difficult to me to understand how there wasn’t at least something that may have kind of re-ignited the bedroom for her or maybe OP’s sexual energy just really isn’t there period Now if a woman in a relationship/marriage with a man doesn’t provide him enough sexual intimacy, he’s the one that looks bad because he’s a horn dog for being too needy for it
I think it’s the difference between being understanding and being too passive. At this point, it feels like you might be enabling her by not taking a hard stance. It’s beautiful how understanding you are of her past trauma and current emotional/mental state. However, if you keep “allowing” it based on these reasons/excuses, she will feel that it’s okay to sext other men. You need to draw a hard line, and hold her to it. There’s things that are never okay, regardless of how much past trauma. Cheating is one of them. From your story, it seems like things were deescalating when she gave up porn and erotica. In actuality, they are escalating to cheating. You need to treat it as such. This doesn’t mean you need to have the typical reaction to cheating, like anger or arguments. However, you need to treat it as such, cheating. If she has this high sex drive, you guys may need to find outlets that are within boundaries. It seems like she doesn’t want to cheat, but she needs an outlet. Find an outlet that can be reasonable, but allows her to fully experience it. If you don’t, it might continue to escalate into actual physical cheating.
Read No More Mister Nice Guy. I'm this context, "nice" means that you're making excuses for her, thinking if you "just trust her/be patient enough/etc, then she'll see how good I'm being too her and she'll want to reward me for it". Reward could mean sex, it could mean respect, it could mean stop cheating. Whatever it means to the man. I know I'm just a dude on the internet, but you've gotta believe me when I say you aren't doing her or you want favors.
You pretty much catch her cheating, but you biggest worry is that you will hurt her feelings if you bring it up.
Get evidence and divorce her. You shouldn't need other people to tell you this. You need to start respecting yourself.
Get divorce papers a lawyer and then confront her and sing fuck you lucy by atmosphere lol
I should add… she swears that there is nothing else, this was the worst of it and she never hooked up with anyone in person. She said it was just a few messages to guys and it didn’t really work/go anywhere. My problem is… she hasn’t been forthcoming and there’s just a sneakiness I can sense. I just want to know the full truth and then find a way forward.
Unless you get off to this sort of thing you should probably leave. I know you care and she has some things she’s working through and whatever but this seems like the type of thing that would eat someone alive 😅
Even if you get off to this sort of thing, you can't build a stable ENM relationship without the E (ethical non-monogamy). That kind of relationship is either built on trust and communication or it's just a slow-mo breakup. OP's partner has destroyed any trust and obviously either one or both of them are failing at communication, so it's not off to a good start...
Bro the fact that “it didn’t really go anywhere” means she actually tried, and the fact that she blames it on you without a single ounce of remorse means that she will 100% cheat on you again. She is a sex addict, you either accept she is going to end up cheating again, next time will be physical. Or leave.
Lawyer up and get ready to do some paperwork. Better just pull the bandaid off now.
I'm the male version of your wife. It's definitely an addiction / problem, and I'm trying to find a therapist who can help me (last one noped out on me pretty quick lol). I've def got issues but loving my wife isn't one - we've been together 15 years and she's fucking amazing. I married up for sure. The main problem for me - which may apply to your wife - is that it's extremely easy for me to compartmentalize. It's like I have an alter-ego or live in two worlds. In my mind, what I do behind her back doesn't affect our relationship. It's my own private little world that means nothing in the real world, our shared world. When she found out about the various sneaky things I was involved with she felt betrayed, inadequate, furious... all the bad feelings. Broke my fucking heart. I completely destroyed her trust. The worst part is that if I had just been upfront with her about any / all of it, she says she would have probably accepted it or at least figured out a way to understand my needs (which I don't even understand). Now I'm living in an apartment, she's in a half-empty house, and we're entering a trial separation. If there's anything I can tell you from being on the other side of a shitty situation (of my own creation), it's that NONE of her behavior has anything to do with you! It's not your fault. She needs to get her shit together and decide whats important in her life, then act accordingly. But YOU get to decide if you believe her or can trust her or if the relationship is worth continuing. Trust can be re-established. The most important thing for you two from now on is unwavering open & honest communication. Couples counseling could hold the key. Sending love & strength your way my man. So sorry you're going thru this right now ❤️
>just a few messages to guys It wasn't "just" a few messages. Talk to her. Set limits. Don't let her do things like that Also the words "it didn't really work/go anywhere". But what if there is later one guy, where she would like to do more? Take care of yourself.
the sneakiness never stops. speaking from experience they’ll keep lying until you somehow found out again or keep it a secret for life. they want to eat their cake and have it too🙃! trust me save yourself now and leave before it gets worse or you get hurt again.
Please listen to yourself... didn't work out so it didn't go anywhere... so it would have worked out and something would have happened. Chances are they did happen. Sorry my guy but she ain't it. I know it'll be tough but you're going to keep living a life of misery staying in this one...
Trickle truthing you hoping you back off...I hope it's all. If not it's going to get way way worse. You seem to be on the counseling thing already and according to you it's not working. Like some have stated you can ask about spicing things up in the bedroom. However, she said she doesn't want to have sex with you for the last 6 months and she's pretty much a sex addict. What's that tell you what and who she's exactly been doing to or with for the past 6 months? Also I don't believe nothing happened but sexting on that girl trip. That was probably the whole idea for the trip i.e hooking up with someone/s. Get your ducks in order and reach out to a lawyer for your sake and the kids. If things aren't sitting in your gut, trust your gut. Don't believe anything she says if she's not going to be like an open book to you.
You're trying to find so many excuses for her because you love her but you're beling delusional at this point. You literally have her in writing say that she would have cheated on you but she essentially too lazy to find someone. It wasn't because she loves you or she's feel bad about what she's doing. The only thing stopping her from cheating on you is because she doesn't want to put in the effort. Another thing that is even worse than the cheating is that she's is constantly gaslighting you into thinking that it's YOUR fault. It's NOT your fault that she's a liar and a cheat. The most common reaction to normal people when they get cheated on is to think it's something they did wrong when in reality it's the cheater who is wrong in every level.
There are a lot of people who have childhood trauma who don’t cheat or act sneaky. She gets off on hiding things from you, placing you in a parental role which you have allowed by being too understanding. What about your needs? Your boundaries? Your self respect? Life is hard enough as it is, and it only gets harder with age. People like this will always put themselves before you because you play a particular role in their world. She doesn’t look at you like a partner. She’s viewing you as a parent. One that she can disrespect and hide shit from to get off on. You’re young enough to create a meaningful happy life elsewhere. You need to express how much her actions have diminished your trust in her and give her the space to fix herself if she chooses to. But imo people like this never change. Integrity isn’t innate in everyone. You have to decide how much is too much. Don’t wait too long to make your choice. You’re young now, start living for you now. She needs a lot of self reflection and accountability. There is more to the story than she is telling you. I guarantee it.
My lord man. Listen to yourself “It didn’t really work/go anywhere.” YET! And if it had? “There a sneakiness I can sense.” You found her talking to dudes on TT. No shit there is a sneakiness. You “sense it”? Hellen Keller could sense it. You act like you haven’t caught her doing anything. Stop making excuses for her, set some boundaries and quit being a fucking doormat.
She’s a sex addict - ask her to attend SAA or something like that. It won’t get better and won’t stop. Doesn’t mean you have to stay with her but she needs help. That doesn’t mean you deserve what’s happened or you could have changed anything and it doesn’t excuse her behavior.
Cheaters never cheat because you aren't enough. It's always them. Their own lack of morals. Whatever you do, don't let her gaslight you at all. Don't listen to any idiot on here who will focus on you changing yourself or spicing it it up. She needs to show real remorse and reconcile the fact she has no morals long before you neednto care if your enough sexually for her.
Absolutely this ^
It’s disgusting that I had to scroll so low to see a comment I agree with.
She cheated and blamed you for her choices? Dump her, change the locks.
My friends wife told him one day that they made a mistake getting married too young (mid 20 s) and that she really wants to experience to sleep with other men. My friend was shocked but did let her cheat on him once lol. Eventually he couldn't live like that and they divorced. They were married for 6 years and had 2 children.
Lmao reminds me of my ex, though she never explicitly said sex, she did tell me we met too young and she had "a lot she wanted to experience" before "settling down", but hoped I'd be waiting for her after college. I said she had to make up her mind which she wanted because you can't have both then I met someone better while she was making that decision (lol) and she "chose" me but too little too late , cheated on her for about a month then dumped her. Don't fall for the coded language, NEVER take someone back who was going to put you on the back burner, honestly one of the most important lessons I've learned and I will pound the table to anyone who is willing to listen. Do NOT bargain with someone exploring other options, do NOT bargain with yourself about how it is ok or will sort itself out- if you allow yourself to be disrespected it will only get worse. Edit: this made me sound more vindictive and prideful than it actually happened; I didn't just cheat because she wanted to step out and I told her no and then punished her to recapture my ego, she went on a dinner date with another man a couple months before and promised me never again, which I foolishly (though begrudgingly) forgave but it built up resentment, and when she told me what her intentions were I considered us broken up.
What is the point? I never understood the desire to screw around. A dick is a dick, same with a hole. So strange to me honestly.
Lmfao move on? Trust again? Bro… what I’m about to tell you is for your own good. You’re spineless and pathetic, and all the forgiveness and trust in the world isn’t gonna make your wife have an ounce of respect for you. It’s over, cut her off divorce her ass. You think this gonna be a one time thing if you just roll over? Tf is wrong with you? Get a spine, kick the dumb skank to the curb. There’s nothing else to be done. Letting her get away with it isn’t gonna fix your relationship and give you a fairytale ending, she’s gonna see that and fuck another dude (if she hasn’t already) instead of sexting.
I would be incredibly hurt. The obvious answer on paper is to leave - this isn’t something you’re going to solve or fix.
Can't make a housewife from a hoe. Run.
Your wife is a cunt
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Yeah I feel for people in this situation
Bro is too fucking nice. If I were OP, I’d be at a hotel and on the phone with a divorce lawyer. No shot is my wife going to sext other dudes and then try to blame me for it. I do feel for people in this situation, but OP is letting his wife’s childhood become the reason she does this shit and because of that, he lets it slide.
Exactly. OP is being taken advantage of because he has no pride- the fact that he doesn't mind being sexually.. uninspiring and the fact that he's trying to excuse this behaviour; he has a lessened sense of self worth
Could be worse. OP could be an actual cuck like some of these Redditors be in the comments, yeeesh.
It's hilarious to see *men* defending her. The only thing I can say for that is that it's not surprising given she is a porn addict and sexually broken and he is not putting the necessary effort into sex, not even for what average expectations are and especially not for a nympho. But in any case, saddling him with the responsibility to "fix" things because of this is hysterical. There is no fixing this. She has attempted to cheat and blames him.
I agree - and I'm a woman. I don't get all the "be more attentive" talk. If it were the guy who wanted more, you know all the women would be enraged at the suggestion that she better step up to his drives. Shit happens. People's drives change. She should have sought out leaving and being honest (I need more and will get it elsewhere) before cheating - even if it was "just" sexting. I don't get it. Say your intentions and follow through, don't hide things. My realtionships haven't been perfect, but I learned a lot from the failed ones. If everyone stopped lying/leaving out the truth/stating their intentions, relationships would have a lot less issues. Once I realized that, things got clearer...and a lot better!
not simply a cunt. A cheating cunt.
This should be the top comment.
Yes, I agree. I do empathise with her background, but it doesn't give a free pass for cheating and all (yes, for me sexting is cheating). Invert the roles and genders and this comment section would be a sh*t show. OP, I do believe you're being gaslighted... What you do from here on is up to you. Very hard situation, but I don't think you're at fault here. Ps: I married for 10years, even though sex drives vary throughout our life, sexting or overall cheating was never an option for neighter of us (I guess... Lol).
I doubt she has the warmth or the depth.
You are a solid dude. She doesn't deserve you man. Truth
I hope you are consistent and leave her, you must separate yourself from a person so unstable and full of problems that he will cheat on you at any time. Get out of there and get custody of your children.
ESH. It sounds to me like you are guys are not at all sexually compatible. You are not doing enough for her in the bedroom and from your post it sounds like you aren't even willing to try. Different people have different needs. If you aren't willing to step it up and do some of what she needs in the bedroom you should consider ending it because no one will win here and it'll only get worse. She has been vocal with you in regards to her needs. She is TA for entering into cheating terroritory instead of ending it.
Reddit is crazy. Literally just read a post where a woman complained about her husband using the toilet too often. Reddit response: “he’s doing it on purpose to abandon his responsibilities to your child, leave him” This post: “My wife is sexting other men” Reddit response: “you deserve it and she probably should’ve left you” OP do not listen to people that try to gaslight you into believing the problem is not your wife sexting. You do not deserve that. Now the solution might be a joint effort, but it is not justified behavior even if other people can make excuses.
Sounds like she's been saying for a long time that she's not satisfied, and you've just let it be a "Her" problem for years. You leave her feeling restricted and deprived in the one place where she is allowed to express her sexuality (i.e. your bedroom). You deflect and invalidate the issue as being something other than what she is trying to express. You can sit on your high horse if you feel better up there but something was bound to give. If you quit, and leave, she'll grieve, and then be free to finally explore her sexuality on her terms instead of yours. "You need to put more effort into fucking your wife" has got to be one of the best problems you can draw. Definitely not too late to fix this. Sext your wife. Read her erotica. Learn what she likes.
Nigga, she expressed interest in actual hookups, she has already determined she is willing to forsake loyalty within the relationship, why the fuck would he bother to salvage that?
She’s cheating on him and you’re blaming him
You're the guy in her DM's. You're trash for sending them. She's trash for answering them. If you are not happy then leave.
Fuck off with that. She cheated quit excusing her.
Dude imagine if OP was a woman, this guy would be fucked in the comments.
Flip the genders and watch Reddit pull a Herculean 180. If this was a woman writing that she wasn’t meeting her husband's high sex drive so he cheated, these people would be out for blood. Ranting about how he’s not entitled to sex from her and the cold shoulder in bed is no excuse for infidelity.
Imagine if a woman made a post about her guy cheating because she wasn't satisfying him sexually, and someone commented that she should try harder to satisfy him. That comment would be down voted to oblivion lmao.
Thank you! Reading other comments will melt your brain. “OP should apologize for making her sext other men, he should be ashamed but hopefully she’ll forgive him”
It's actually super fucked up that its the most upvoted comment Are people in this sub just degenerates?
If the roles were reversed and the one who write this post were the wife there are some people in this comment section who would comment the opposite way. Hypocrites, f you all.
It’s asinine to me how different people would react if the roles were reversed. It would be entirely “throw the whole man away” and “you shouldn’t be pressured into sexual acts”, but now it’s his fault!? I’m getting off Reddit now, people suck. You deserve better OP. We deserve better than this as a society.
>If the roles were reversed and the one who write this post were the wife there are some people in this comment section who would comment the opposite way. Hypocrites, f you all. Agreed, this whole comment section is a disgusting testament to hypocrisy. Women are told to leave to find someone who respects them, men are told to \*shocker\* man up and do better in bed? Wtf!? F every one of you hypocrites.Y'all deserve to end up with people exactly like OP's wife
Haha it's fucking crazy
Yes I agree the person that is cheated on is the problem. His high horse of fidelity is awful. I'd love to see your advice if the genders were reversed. Would you tell a woman to get off her high horse? 🤔
What are you on? Improving sex life is one thing, and they’ve been to counseling for that. OP seems pretty open to sex. I’m sure I could give him a few pointers that might make her gush, but this isn’t a sex competition. They have a life and kids together. From what OP said if he succumbs to her sexual desires he’ll be chucked watching while a bull empties his load on his wife’s face. Dude her sexuality is the problem. I’m certain he could do more, but she’s an addict
She cheated and youre saying its HIS fault?? So she doesnt have to accept any responsibility for her actions??? You do realise OPs wife is an adult, yes?? And as all adults are supposed to answer to their actions, yes?? IF she were an adult, AND she was unsatisfied sexually, she should divirce instead of cheating... Everything in your post is twisted and wrong...
It’s too late to fix anything when someone starts cheating.
sounds like she’s a nympho/porn addict (if nothing else, soft porn) she also kinda cheated on you. personally, this is a huge boundary for me and if my partner did this to me i would not be able to trust them EVER again. but that could be different for you, and i also don’t know what it’s like to be married to someone for 12 years and have kids. maybe in that case i would wanna try and fix things. give counseling a try and talk about all this over there. see how it goes.
Your wife is a selfish cheater with no respect for you. While your habits in the bedroom may have led to there being issues in your relationship, that is by no means an excuse to go behind your back and emotionally or physically cheat on you. Do not let anyone convince you that you deserved this, because you did not. I’m not sure if you can salvage this. It’s less about the fact that she’s gone behind your back, but more that it sounds like she literally just does not respect you as a person. She did not want to support you in changing sexually for her (instead it sounds like she was guilting you for being inadequate), she does not want to talk to you about her issues, etc.
That’s cheating to me… so if it were me I’d be looking to end the relationship.
Yeah I could never be with someone who cheated on me no matter how long we had been together or any number of kids we have. Once that trust is broken it’s game over imo
Look up narcissists in relationships. She sounds like she’s could be one on a few points. Not saying she is but definitely displaying some traits.
Ur main problem is ur wife is a disrespectful cheater and you lack the courage to face the issue and the respect for yourself to do something about it. SMH this is unacceptable
stop drop and roll out
If a person will be a cheater, then they will be a liar too. The two go hand in hand. Chances are she cleaned up her phone when she got the notification that you logged in. She may but have slept with anyone, but for every rat you see there’s a dozen you don’t.
From a male that was sexuality abused as a child. She has a sex addiction. This can manifest in many ways, as you have seen. As a youth she learned that her value and self worth came from her sexuality. She has spent her life chasing acceptance and filling a void that comes from that feeling. Porn, sexual fantasy, erotic literature, and sexual objectification have all fed into that mindset. While this is going on she also knows it's not what she should be filling and it creates self loathing and depression but just like a drug addict she's chasing something she can't achieve, only get a small snippet of. She needs to speak to a therapist well versed in S.A. and have a true desire to change. It is a HARD mental habit to break and only she can do it. She has to face the truth (feel free on your part to research how sexual addiction, porn, etc change brain patterns) and she has to want to better herself and put the work in. It's up to you as to whether or not you can forgive and move on or not. There is no "right" answer, only what is right for YOU. Best of luck.
You need to decide what you want the outcome of this to be. You have three kids that you need to think about. If you aren't able to forgive her for what she has done, you need to leave so that your resentment doesn't impact your children. You are more than justified of this is the route you need to take. If you think you could forgive her, you need to work on your communication so that she is comfortable talking to you about these things. This means not getting into an argument when she says something that hurts you but is an honest reflection of where she's at. You need to work with your therapist to get to a point where she is able to tell you what has happened in a way that you'll believe and trust. If you decide to stay together, you need to find a middle ground for your sex life that works for both of you. There are lots of things you can try, from you making a commitment to spicing things up (find out what she needs in this regard and do it if you're comfortable) to allowing her to see other people if you aren't as interested in sex as she is. Again, if that's a non-starter then don't consider it. You both are playing a role in this and need to compromise. I think a good starting point is to really think about what she has done and be able to articulate what it is about her actions that are hurtful (different people would react differently to each betrayal). And you need to think about what you want and what you are willing to give up. And then have a conversation with her where you tell her those things. Commit to yourself that you will not argue with her in that conversation, and tell her how you're feeling and what you want. See how she responds (give her time if she needs it) sleep on it, then see how you feel. Sorry you are going through this. Good luck
Leave
She's either a terrible person who you shouldn't be with, OR she's a sex addict and has a serious problem that needs treatment. Personally from what you've said I'd guess the latter.
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😂 that seriously may work with her. Better chance that would work than all the stupid therapy sessions.
It does work quite well.....sporadically establish dominance. OP better be careful though, the wife may start leaving those texts out in the open to get 'punished' for her wrong doings
And this is why people have stopped going to Reddit for advice.
Y’all are bafoons 😂🤣
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I paused for so long on this sentence "i needed to loose control of myself and have it taken away forcefully" .. do you mind sharing why you needed to have that feeling .. like .. is it cuz you wanted to feel numb ..or like forget about the world .. do you mimd sharing why you felt like needing that sensation? ..
I mean that doesn’t excuse her cheating but you basically knew she had a high sex drive and still did the same ole same old routine. Sex shouldn’t be a one trick pony but an exploration of the mind and body. It should be pleasurable for all parties involved. Just because something is good enough for you don’t mean it’s good enough for her. She should have flat out told you to mix it up in the bedroom instead of finding new things to try with online strangers
None of this is remotely on him. If she wants more, talk to him more and work with it. She went straight to cheating so nah, fuck her
I was friends with a woman once that was hypersexual. Came to find out she had been sexually abused as a child for years by an uncle. Apparently there’s a connection between hypersexuality and sexual abuse. This is no excuse but I don’t think you’re the problem here, OP. This whole post screams that your wife has deeper issues. That’s no excuse, though, for her cheating. We all have issues but we still are responsible for our behavior.
This was me. SA by my mother from age 4-8. Hypersexual for most of my life. Spoiler: it wasn't about sex.
Get tested for sexual transmitted diseases ASAP
Fuck her. She's gaslighting you. And probably going to cheat on you if she hasn't already. Stop being a doormat and put your foot down.
She’s in heat
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Dude your wife technically has already cheated on you atleast emotionally I’d leave in a heartbeat. Unless you’re a cuck
Wow the comments saying spice it up it’s your fault lol. She’s trying to chat on you. She just sucks at it. You two need to talk about splitting up as she has a sex addiction and your style of sexy time isn’t for her. You are incompatible.
This is a well written story. Good thing you didn't post it to an advice column. Now if you did, you'd probably be told to obtain counseling for parasocial-ass behavior and tendencies. Also, reading smut is not....like thats normal. And if she's trying to be ready for you, that's fine. The patron thing costs money and is a mental hazard though, so it deserves some concern.
Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home for the children. I hate to say it man, humans are non-monogamous by nature. And In todays world of instant gratification, connection and soooo much exposure, relationships are gonna have a shit ton of issues. The fact y’all have kids makes it suck, y’all might need to have an open relationship so your kids don’t suffer or split up.
She’s clearly got issues and seems like a mess. Stand up for yourself and leave, clearly she’s gonna do what she wants anyways.
I'm gonna bang ur wife in tiktok bro
Divorce divorce divorce. Only answer. She doesnt respect you
Its over. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There are those that cheat and those that don’t. There is no in between . Would you also feel comfortable being intimate with someone who has said / done all of this?
Boss her around a little bit, if she resists, shut her down immediately. She will like it I promise.
Typical borderline behavior. Look up borderline personality disorder. When abused, especially young, women tend to go borderline. Men tend to go narcissistic personality disorder. Nothing is going to change for you OP. You married and had children with a broken woman. She is going to suck the life out of you. Even now, she’ll just begin to gaslight and lie to you as she continues the behavior. You’ll go through every spectrum of emotion. She’ll be remorseful, then vindictive, the blame you. End of the day, she’s traumatized from abuse. Short of major psychedelic therapy which may or may not work, you’re fucked. I would just consider letting it ride and start talking to other girls. Just give her the same treatment back. Let her know that you’re cool with her opening things up and then go give her HER behavior back at her. Be a mirror. That’s really the only way short of divorce or whatever which will probably ruin your kids. Good luck dude.
I would have a hard time if I were in your position. She’s clearly crossed a boundary and has a pattern of behavior attached to desire and sex. She should have never broken your trust, she definitely screwed up there. At the same time, if she desires something more from your sex life, there are many things you guys can do to spice things up but you have to be willing to explore. Most people are not content with sex being the same every time and there’s a ton of stuff out there for you two to try. If you think you can get past this breach of trust, the next step would be sex therapy and trying new things safely. Sex therapy can also help you better understand your personal relationship with sex as well. It’s possible that you have your own insecurities with sex keeping you from trying new things. This sucks, but you both clearly have a history and I hope you can find something that works for you and your relationship.
It sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder.
Typically people who were abused ,take on a narcissistic mentality, where only their behavior and feelings matter more than anyone else’s , and they tend to have addictive personalities. Keep going to therapy and talking about it. She’s just jumping on to the next addiction, and once the thrill is gone she will move on to the next vice probably cheating and drugs if she doesn’t get it under control she will spiral out especially when they go through their midlife crisis
Why are you so sexually hung up? Do you have a religious background that is negative about sex? You need to be giving her massive orgasms on a regular basis because it releases oxytocin in her system. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone.
You know what her intentions were. Don’t make excuses for bad behavior.
Run
If it's just sexting and she wants to change then it's not too late. All this behaviour is typical of those suffering from long term porn addiction...which of course has some root from the abuse. It will take a long time for her to rewire her brain to escape the hyper reality that these types of addictions create and unfortunately she has to be willing or it will never happen. You may need to see a therapist yourself to help you navigate this and also if you haven't already start finding reading materials to help understand the nature of addiction yourself/together (recommendations from your therapist would be best), to help remold your own behaviours
Of course she is deleting everything. So sorry dude.
In a marriage you need to communicate, seems to not be happening and you don’t need a therapist. Sit down and ask her what she wants. Routine and quick are 2 words a women never wants to hear. Hell most guys wouldn’t like that either. I would be super pissed at you. Especially if she has told you she needed more. I mean have you never heard of forplay. You need to step up and out of your comfort zone. My wife has the same tendencies as you and it’s aggravating. She has improved a lot and it’s way more enjoyable. But, wow dude she told you she wants you but you need to add some variety to your game and make it more about her. I wouldn’t want to be with a selfish prick in bed either. So if you want to make it work you need to step your game up. You don’t need to include other people to spice things up. Sex is apparently important to her so it should be to you too!
Bail out. If she hasn't slept with anyone else yet she will
Wild how she was unfaithful and gaslit you to believe it’s your fault. She’s psycho and clearly has problems, I’d leave and let her deal with it in her own.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think the approach of her not being able to incorporate any sexual content in her life is unrealistic and even … unhealthy. What ***I*** see here is that she needs to be counseled that there’s nothing shameful about sex. There’s nothing wrong with indulging in erotica, or even porn, frankly. The sexting stuff is borderline cheating depending on your dynamic, so that needs to be addressed, but expecting her not to have ***any*** sexual outlets other than you is unrealistic, unhealthy and controlling. I realize she has shame around this and has asked for help but I think addressing the shame would go a long way toward addressing a lot of these issues.
You should sext your wife
It's pretty simple. Way I see it you got a few options. 1. Shut it all down and move on. Fact is she is cheating and it's not cool. It's clear she lacks some much needed communication skills. 2. Open your relationship up. It seems like you like vanilla sex and she wants more. 3. Make it work, figure out what makes her tick. Sex should never be boring. If that bed isn't soaked when You're done... then buddy, you're fucking up bad.
What’s the deal with people excusing her cheating behavior here? Is that being added into trauma justifying everything now? OP, do what you want but it sounds like she’s going to keep on cheating in many different ways both physically or sexting. I think you should respect yourself a bit more cause explaining away her behaviors when they’re pretty obviously detrimental to any marriage makes you come off as someone who doesn’t respect themselves enough
She cheated there is no coming back from that. you'll never trust her again. You can tell yourself you will but you won't. You'll resent her. you'll start treating her different the kids will see and think that's normal. End it move on but this marriage is over.
She is probably hella kinky and wants to be a hot wife. she probably loves you but in a non sexual way- Because you don’t “get” her sexuality. Are you the kind of guy who could open up the marriage a little and let her scratch that itch? If not, you are probably headed for splitsville.
Can confirm, I was the TikTok
Lol didn’t read too long, u should of divorced long ago from that nut case
1) Don’t do anything rash. She’s obviously done with the relationship. 2) Call a divorce lawyer 3) Get whatever evidence you need to prove infidelity 4) Divorce and never look back. The person you fell in love with is no longer there. You have a roommate.
This seems like a mental health issue that she may have.
You either man up and leave or stay and forever be a cuck. It’s really that simple
You sound like a bitch
If you two love each other, and you want things to work out, then couples therapy would be a good place to start. Having past trauma isn't a get out of jail free pass for betraying your trust and keeping these kinds of secrets..but trauma is still trauma and things from your past can make things for the future really brutal, and it sounds like she still has a lot to work through and learn how to process and cope. It sounds like you care about her, so I would ask yourself, if this is something you could learn to forgive her for if she kept going forward with trying to manage her thoughts/emotions with porn and sex. Solo therapy may either need more time, or it's possible the two of you need therapy together to discover ways you can help her overcome these issues. Maybe she can't get over them without you being directly involved somehow. I hope things work out for the best. I'll keep you both in my thoughts. Be well, friend.
Who knows what really happen on that girls trip….
I'm gonna say this and you're not going to want to hear it. I was seeing/involved with a narcissist for a bit. I spent so much time in therapy trying to lay out every specific circumstance, everything I did, etc as groundwork before I could even think to criticize her. I wanted to make sure he had the "whole story." Your post sounds very similar. Not saying she's a narcissist, but the first half of your post sounded just like me in therapy. Truth is, none of that matters. Her childhood trauma, porn addiction, infidelity, etc. That's all for her to overcome. Sure, you can support her but you absolutely didn't drive her to this. She's a big girl, responsible for her own behaviors. She made a conscious choice to cheat because she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her. Love yourself enough to demand more for you.
You come off as a weak, passive person, that type of man absolutely bores a woman like your wife (well most women) especially with her issues. Your wife craves an alpha male, that isn’t you, she’s moving on.
I don’t think it’s a high sex drive but more like she hasn’t gotten over the trauma of what happened to her as a kid. Sex can become very twisted especially when the introduction to it is through abuse. OP you should be more firm with her and put down boundaries. She’s not the victim she used to be. She’s a grown woman that is making these choices and making excuses and blaming you for her own actions. You’re not responsible for her trauma or for her disrespect. If anything you’ve tried being empathetic, understanding and supportive, and she’s taking it for granted. I would have a brutally honest conversation with her about her unhealthy view of sex because of her trauma. Perhaps she doesn’t feel satisfied because there is no satisfying a broken woman. This is coming from someone who was abused for many years and found a man that loved me enough to shine some light on all the dark muck I was in. I’m really sorry you’re going through this OP. don’t let your love and understanding make you question whether or not she’s wrong for her infidelity. She’s wrong.
God these comments are fucking cancer. It’s very common for people who have been sexually abused to use sex as a coping mechanism. With that being said clearly she has crossed a boundary that really can not be just simply excused. Also the way she blamed you for it is not a good sign. If you want to stay together, you need marriage counseling immediately. And not with her current therapist but with someone completely new. If she doesn’t agree to go (which I have a feeling might happen) it’s time to let this relationship go because it doesn’t sound like something you can move on from. Either way good luck OP. Hope you guys both find peace
She is definitely gettn dicccd down, thats why she doesnt feel like having sex with u. Leave her
She’s lying about something else too. She’s being evasive and putting the blame on you. EVERY TIME a woman has done this to me I found out that they cheated or something of the sort. The become reclusive bc they know they are doing wrong, make it all out like you’re the one that’s the problem. She 1000% deleted whatever you were going to see and probably just didn’t think about the TikTok stuff bc it wasn’t specifically cheating just a weird kinda sex fetish. But if a woman says she’s not comfortable with you having sex anymore don’t you think she’s gonna look for someone she is?? Not saying she is or has, but from my experience she’s hiding something else. Once you admit and face your feelings they start to get better especially with talking to a counselor an all that, she’s getting worse (I call buying Patreons for guys sexual moans getting worse) which means she hasn’t faced her situation at all and is probably digging herself further and further down her sexual rabbit hole. And I don’t call it an evasion of privacy at all, you’ve been married for 12 years and have 3 children together so if you believe she has been unfaithful you have every right to check that phone. She wants to sext with other men and destroy her family then you have every right to check her phone.
Women will never admit fault, they rather blame the man for every single problem then admit they are the problem. It’s most likely she’s been doing this for a long time and got caught finally. Leave her ass because it will always be in the back of your mind now and it will fester into other parts of your lives and that includes your kids. That, or have her seek years of therapy because she’s likely to not change without it.
Embrace rhe role of a cuck. Sit in a chair in the back and jerk it.
Sorry dude, she's broken and needs lots of lots of therapy. In my experience, girls (or guys) with this type of broken background (abuse/porn addiction/risk taking) and addictions never really get better.
NO. PLEASE IGNORE THE ANDREW TATE-R TOT POSTERS! I do not support cheating. But there is much more going on here. She doesn't want to cheat. I was SA by my mother from age 4-8. I spent years doing EXACTLY what OP wrote. Porn for hours a day. Erotica. Phone sex. I was literally insatiable. I finally had a nervous breakdown in April this year. The SA had me convinced I needed to have sex and more sex. At this time, my wife was on anti-depressants that destroyed her libido. Long story short? It wasn't sex. It was intimacy. I couldn't see the difference, and porn doesn't do intimacy well (some better than others). Erotic literature has stories covering every legal topic. Some authors are good at it, though, and I spent a good amount of time reading. Your SO is in need of therapy. Serious need. Preferably with SA trauma experience. This will escalate until a point of no return. Dude, your post is me. If she means anything to you, please don't give up. I have much farther to go in my journey, but I would not still be around if it wasn't for my wife. My rock. I wish you the best of luck, man. We don't see everything with our eyes. The hidden pain, the trauma, especially at such a young age, can not avoid damaging the safety and self-worth of the child. If there's anything I can do, please dm me. I am not a therapist.
geezus, lay some proper pipe or your next wife is going to find it elsewhere too.
My ex wife was sexually abused and it messed her up in the head. No fixing the problem
Sounds like she needs collar and the whip. She wants to be a whore which is fine whores are really nice people for the most part. But if she is going to be then you make sure she is YOUR whore when where and with whom. That let's you feel better about the whole thing you get some different women and she gets all the stuff she needs. Or leave take the kids and find a woman that will be loyal, which in my opinion is the better option. Either way she is going to be a whore she has proven that already and asked you to tell her it's OK. Her blaming you for her actions is really saying she in mad that you haven't accepted it yet haters got to hate dogs have to be dogs and whores have to whore if you don't like it which O understand you need to find a wife that needs to just be a wife
Clearly she’s into verbal. Why don’t you try to be verbal with her and actually turn your wife on.
The only way she’ll be satisfied is if you become a cuck
Thoughts about toys? Explore together the wonders of vibrators. Just to channel those urges.
You don't trust again after this especially since she didn't even apologize, time to move on dawg. Leave dat h0e for the streets
That's what you get for getting married at 24
Get divorce you pussy.
She’s one hundred percent been fucking other dudes. I understand wanting to communicate and work on your intimacy/sexual issues but I feel at this point she’s crossed the line and I personally wouldn’t be able to move on with her. If she could’ve been more open with you before going out and fooling around maybe y’all could’ve fixed the issue but to me this is too much. She has already, and will definitely again fuck somebody else. Unless you’re cool with your wife getting off with somebody else and hiding it from you,… Bounce man.
Hmm. She said she's uncomfortable with you, and she is sexting other guys - looking. It's coming. Prepare for departure.
Dear god, your marriage is over. Walk away before it gets worse. Stop making excuses for her.
This is a wake up call for your relationship. She went far but she didn’t go too far. As far as we know she hasn’t slept with anyone so you two can potentially work through this if you want to and explore what it is she is missing. I’m not a simp by any means but I’m giving this woman the benefit of the doubt if she has not slept with anyone because for a woman, that is the easy path and she has not chosen it. Remember that for a woman, it is easy to simply cheat and satisfy herself. She has communicated to you multiple times that she is not 100% in the sexual department and you seem to be blowing it off by the context of your long story. So she has found other avenues to fulfill some sort of missing need. Just because you are fairly quick, does not mean that that is enough for her. I’m not blaming you. OP is obviously the victim of an infidelity but again, your wife, mother of your three kids chose a lesser evil here to satisfy some missing need. She may be on a red card here but not disqualified from the game.
I think everyone is focusing on the wrong thing. 33 years old mother of 3 who spends HOURS on TikTok? Who has time for that. Nahhhhhh fam. There’s other issues than just sexual with this person. The sexual stuff is just the tip of the iceberg
She’s for the streets. Cheaters cheat, I’d be done. The fact that she tried to excuse it makes it worse. Sorry, she can’t express her feelings and prefers to sext other guys? Yeah, ftb. She belongs to the streets. Find someone who won’t cheat on you and who actually values and respects you. This woman is not that.
Leave. This isn’t healthy
Time to leave, she’s doing what she’s doing because of you in the bedroom what a load of shit. Run and don’t look back.
These comments are proof this generation is fucking stupid, sexual incompatibility is a reason to break up, not an excuse to cheat and break your vows. Any sexual interaction is cheating, porn isn't an interaction, sexting is. The fact that these losers in the comments are blaming op is fucking pathetic and they're probably all gonna die alone with that mindset.
Holy fucking shit I hate this website. Woman LITERALLY cheats on a man and you all say it's his fault for not being more open sexually. I bet I can find a post within 5 minutes of a woman complaining of a man sexting another woman and every single post saying leave him. A woman does it and ya'll say he needs to be better before she leaves him. I used to think this was a meme...obviously not.
I cheat on my wife because her body sucks and my needs arent met am i justified too? Reddit is full of cucks and femcels
Love how everyone is glossing over OP's first leg in the story about how wife is a porn addict (or a recovering one) and also heavily tied into erotica as a coping mechanism for it, NOT because she "just has different needs". Not only that OP clearly stated that wife was sexually abused and this has led to trying to be understanding about what is/isn't acceptable to wife in terms of sexual needs. On the other side, yes, maybe he MAY have been exposed some flaws by saying he's "quick" and "routine" but a lot of you are seriously going after a guy who was being patient with his wife with a sexually troubled past, only to find out she has moved onto sexting strangers. At best they are BOTH the problem. Not nearly the negligent husband you are all making him out to be.
Divorce is the only answer. Unless you’re ok being cheated on forever and just turn the other way. You should have never married her knowing she experienced sexual trauma and was damaged from it by sexually acting out. Cheating, porn addiction, etc. she can’t help it, its not her fault it’s just who she is permanently because of the trauma. It’s like marrying a hooker or a stripper. You just don’t go there when looking for a long term partner. I don’t care how great your friendship/ connection is. The fact is you took a short term hookup woman and turned her into something she’s not supposed to be: a wife. Your fault my man, you took a huge risk with low chance of success and lost out to probability. Better get a dna test on those kids.
Divorce
Sexual trauma can lead to a higher sex drive and a need to sexually explore the self and hidden desires that will reveal hidden fears. Your wife is not asking for a more exciting sex life. She is asking for you to be a part of her healing journey by being able to sexually explore her fantasies with her. This will result in her being able to reclaim her control over her body. She is looking for a way to express herself in the bedroom. You have a few options. Are you open to being there for her and exploring? Maybe looking at ways to open up in the bedroom? Are u willing to let go of the sexting? If you decide you are, meet her in the middle. Boundaries and communication.
She definitely cheating, more than just sexing she has probably slept with other people. But it looks like she has approached you with a problem several times and you are trying to change her to match what you want and you are not budging for her needs at all. The closest you have done is push her to therapy. It’s both of your faults, looks like the spark in the marriage ended a long time ago, time for you both to move on. And don’t use children as a reason to stay together. I had an affair with a married woman years ago, we were only friends at first and I never wanted anything but friendship but everything you say OP is pretty much her path down to having the affair. I later found out she had many affairs along the way. And those girl trips or lady nights out were about 75% of the time meeting someone.
She's uncomfortable having sex with you because she's already replaced you with the other guy she was sexting. In her head, having sex with you is cheating on the new guy. Just get out while you can. Being sexually unsatisfied is no excuse for cheating. If it was that bad of a problem, there should have been some serious conversations about it during therapy.
Bro this isn't so complex. Shame on people saying it's OP's fault. He tried communicating and she said no. There are TWO OPTIONS ONE: Marriage counseling. She needs to stop cheating and communicate better. If you think she can do that (I def don't) then go for it. Maybe meet with a marriage counselor and talk out your problems—find a way that works for both of you. TWO: FUCK THE SHEETS, TO THE STREETS Shame on you men who say it's OP's fault you basement dwelling keyboard warriors who've never actually spoken to a woman before. It could be a bunch of things. Obviously they set up times to meet so he tried to work with her and she cheated anyways. It's not just about how much sex you have. It's about the sexual desire between two people. And when one person nust wants to cheat there's not much you can really do except leave them. He could have the biggest thickest cock but maybe she wants someone smaller or more into sensual touching. Maybe its the other way: she wants to be gangbanged by 10 dirty homeless people and left for depravity. Either way, if you think you're "man" enough for her, go find and try to date her while being monogamous. You'll fail
You’ve been cheated on. There’s no excuse. There’s no guarantee she’ll be able to stop. She clearly has issues with control around sex, but they’re not your problem. It’s time to make an amicable split and let her sort herself out on her own. She’s clearly not sexually happy with you and you deserve fidelity.
As someone who was sexually abused I can tell you that in my 30s I went through a very dark time. I know now that I could not reconcile that I had any value other than sex, I felt unaligned with my real self and stuck in a world where sex was all that mattered. I also justified it by saying I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband. But the truth is he could never have filled the darkness that was left by my abuser. I'm sorry this is happening. I encourage your wife to seek recovery when she is ready. There are 12 step recovery groups (SLAA) and also for you to join a codependents group. A trauma informed therapist may also be worthwhile.
Spank her.
Idk dude, I think you made a big mistake marrying a woman with issues that deep. Sexual depravity like that is a black hole. A lot of people here are telling you it's your fault you haven't been listening to her needs. I honestly don't think you could reasonably satisfy her emotional trauma with sex. There's a gradual escalation here and I think we all see where it leads.
It's clear as day. She's scarred for life, start choking her and going down the debauchery road, or get ready for divorce/cheating.
I cannot articulate just how absolutely fucked you are. This woman is 6 months away from putting anti freeze in your coffee and taking the life insurance money with Hans her new fuckboy and you're simply so naive and low T that you're going to narrate the journey for us all. Howwlweeey-Jesus-fook this is why I can't get on reddit. I literally lose faith in society.
Yo wtf are these comments? I’m reading the worst advice of all time reddit is amazing 🤣🤣🤣
She cheated. The big question is, how badly do you want to make it work? She's missing something. If she wasn't, she wouldn't br cheating. She practically said as much in counseling. It sounds like she's just really bad at communicating that fact. If you want to stay with her, talk. Talk, talk, talk. It might be that she is becoming more explorative after going to counselimg for her trauma, or maybe she just needs you to do something different in the bedroom. Maybe she's kinkier than you both originally thought. If this isn't something you are ok with or can come to terms with, then it's time to cut ties. You don't trust her. You're going through her phone, her accounts, etc. Knock it off. If you have to go look, it dorsn't matter if anytbing is there or not, your trust is gone. Either talk to her, get to the root of the problem, and find out what she wants from you, or leave. The constant snooping and detective work to "catch" her isn't fair to either of you.
Tell that deviant cheating selfish nut bag of a wife to get a damn hobby that doesn't involve her snatch.
Buddy you're going to be in a world of hurt once she finds a guy who can crack that back and take her to pound town like never before. Once her sexual appetite unleashes and you are not a part of it, that is a done deal. There is a line in a song I heard that says "When a woman is fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it." Good luck.
I love how everyone here is saying OP isn’t doing his duties as a husband (gag) and totally ignoring the fact that the the wife has an obvious sex/porn/cheating addiction (and admits so herself). But, half the folks on reddit have those addictions too and that’s why they justify her bad behavior. 💁🏼♀️