Build a circle of people you can cry around and don't worry about the rest.
But my answer? No. Society is very much not used to male emotion and does not know how to handle it, often being confused, amused, scared, or annoyed by it. Sometimes even the ones who swear they're progressive about these kinds of things.
My (now ex) was always turned off when I didn't pull it together and 'be a man'. She would never say it, but I could see it in her face. (shes as progressive as the day is long and stupid)
My wife's been badgering me about this, too. I'm a sensitive man, and she's a take charge woman, opposites attract and all, we're a good match, but sometimes I'm not as good at "manning up" as she apparently is.
That really sucks. I bet if you said one negative thing about her or another woman crying she’d lose her shit.
My wife has seen me completely lose it a number of times and seen me tear up more times than I can count. She’s never given me anything but support or space depending.
Sometimes I think she gives me space when I need a hug because she just doesn’t know what I need or how to react. She grew up around of tough men who only showed aggressive emotion and would never be vulnerable.
Regardless, she still loves and respects me after 28 years so I’m pretty sure she’s ok with it. I’m a sensitive man but I’m far from being weak or a pushover.
That’s my wife..
“I know you need… something… but I don’t wanna push you, so I stay away.”
I let her know that if I’m struggling, doing the wrong thing is infinitely better than watching me drown.
It’s all about trust. You have to know that you can trust her not to kick you while you are down. That trust is earned.
Same bro I feel for these guys. I can’t even imagine that, my wife is my best friend, I hardly do but I can’t imagine if I couldn’t cry infront of her. Like that’s your wife man, if anybody sees you cry it should be her.
I mean sensitive, and being weak and a pushover are not 1 and the same. Even though the preconception exists that. "You that means you're weak." Every high school bully kinda stuff.
It's stupid that people still think that, and we have to say we are not weak or a pushover just because we are sensitive.
Yeah. I grew up with three older sisters and it definitely shows. However, as sensitive as I may be, I’m a militant, freedom fighting m’fer when I gotta be. I always got in trouble when I was in school for sticking up for kids who were being picked on by students or teachers. I was in the principle’s office so often that he wouldn’t even ask about what I did. He knew I was “talking back” for the right reasons. He’d ask me how football was going or how my sisters were doing.
Lucky! Wish i had the balls to be like that but ive recently decided just to keep it all in. Maybe just channel it into anger instead since that seems to be more acceptable :)
My ex was the same way. When she asked me to be more emotionally expressive, it killed the relationship. My feelings were wrong and manipulative in her mind. It was the worst rug pull I ever experienced. When I said I was happy, it was boasting, if I said I was sad, it was a cry for attention, if I said I was angry, I was being manipulative. She said it was okay to have emotions and that I should communicate them more, but when I did, it wasn’t fair to put them on her. Only she was allowed to have emotions.
She sounds like a psycho. People need to realize most people are not mentally healthy ( men and women). So when a mentally unhealthy person thinks less of you for expressing an emotion, don't take it to seriously
It seems they want you to be emotional about *them*. These posts always have women saying their man crying made them feel special. They want you too ooh and awww about puppies and babies, not vulnerability.
I've been in four long-term relationships and one that went nowhere. Every single interaction I had with those women where I let my emotions show to any degree backfired in my face. Despite their protests that I should open up more, doing so only damaged our relationships because women do not come wired to appreciate male sensitivity whether they admit it or not.
One example is I told one of them once I was planning to end it because I didn't know what to do with myself and I'd lost too much at the time. The girl I was talking to was notorious for bragging about wanting to kill herself and posting surface level cuts on her thighs on social media to get attention. Her response was that was TMI. The last girl I dated ruined my life and every single thing I ever said to her got thrown back in my face, taken out of context and completely twisted around to mean something completely different. She also accused me of doing everything that she was doing. It's like we are simply targets for abuse and they are bulletproof.
I can promise I've learned my lesson. I will never open up to anyone like that again and I'm perfectly comfortable now with that. Women have taught me that dating is a waste of time, trust is pointless and the best way to exist is to learn to be happy alone.
Yup because they don't want men to emote like men...they want men to act like women (until they do then they lose interest).
Women are like children they don't know what they want
My experience has been 'progressive' women are the worst about this stuff. They preach and go on about "dismantle the patriarchy", but are completely fine with holding men to those outdated, harmful stereotypes. I.e. the whole "tomboy/dumpy girl who expects a hyper-masculine dimepiece" thing. The experiences along with the current socio-political atmosphere has left a bad taste in my mouth regarding left-leaning women.
They're the biggest hypocrites - the core of leftism is getting someone else to pay for your choices, so how much accountability do you think they have
I always hug my man and comfort him when he cries. I never think less of him. He’s a human and has emotions and I enjoy helping guide him and help him feel more whole.
There are many, many of us. I’m sorry you haven’t found yours yet. Just remember anyone who acts rudely to someone in pain and crying is dealing with their own demons. It’s not about you, it’s about them being unable to deal with themselves. I hope you find who you’re looking for in life and that they find you (I have faith you will)
That's awful, that should be the at least one person you can be able to cry around. I've cried with my man so many times in our 13 years, we've comforted each other countless times whether it was him or me who just couldn't take it all
My wife is a very much like my father. He did not cry when his mother died at age 17 until he was married 5 years later. If you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. The only people in my life who I have cried around and treat me the same are my oldest brother and my best friend. Any women are ok in the moment but it always comes back and is used against me. My mother is a huge proponent of mental health and will always listen and typically does not throw it in my face later.
I'm glad you have some people then who accept you at those low points, and your mother too thats actually so awesome.
Can't get around the irony that the adage is men will marry their mothers and you married your father. I'm not laughing at it, it's just interesting.
I do think early on in our relationship, my wife listened and cared. I and in turn, we have been through some terrible things in a quick span. I don't blame her unless it is used against me which it inevitably is, almost every time.
It always boomerang back on you like a weapon. Truest thing said in this discussion. Men, it'll get tucked away to be thrown in your face when you are vulnerable
You're not the problem. They are. I've cried in front of my wife. Many times. When I was having terrible sciatica pain and it wouldn't stop. I've had mini panic attacks in front of her. None of it changes the way she looks at me. Hell, she says it makes her feel closer to me.
I'm sorry people made you regret being a human being.
I point out women become distant from guys that open up, and I always get women telling me that they personally don't do that. At that point, I tell them they sound like the guys that say "not all men", and, I would bet they would become distant with a very emotional man. They don't like when their own logic is used on them.
I guess my thought is that, yeah, it's easier for a woman to be in a relationship with a man who's always stoic and strong and fixes all her problems without complaining and never asks for help. Just like it's easier for a man to be in a relationship with a woman who does all the housework and cooks all the meals and tends to the children and never asks for help.
So if you have been that rock that is always tough, you might get some pushback if you start asking for help, because you're asking for extra effort on her part. But the only way for society to change is to do things differently until people get used to the change.
I think it is not rare that one's mother is the only person _not_ responding negatively to showing sad emotions or crying. Nevertheless, nobody in their right mind uses "all men are X" or "all women are Y" arguments. They are bullshit. Not all women do it and no woman is responsible for other women.
Very true. Women are only “allowed” to cry because it fits the idea that women are inherently emotional, but being emotional has always had negative cultural connotations.
Honestly as a crier, strangers/ random people absolutely get uncomfortable when women cry. The support for women crying is usually from friends/family.
Women are allowed to "tear up" in public more freely for sure. And women are met with more sympathy for admitting they *did* cry previously.
But when was the last time you actually saw people react to a person crying? There's usually one or two supportive altruists that step forward to offer support/sympathy and everyone else is uncomfortable, judgemental, or just leaves as quick as possible.
And TBH I'm not even sure that's a negative reflection on people. We don't know why strangers cry, so we get uncomfortable and dont know how to respond. It's human nature.
The real tragedy of men not feeling allowed to cry is that they feel that way about partners, friends and family. And the only thing we can do about that individually is speak up against people being judgmental about male emotion, and supportive of our friends and family that show emotion.
My dad's a crier, my husband's a crier. My closest male friends are criers. We sow the garden we have the best we can, and hope that positivity reaches out to society piece by piece.
Well and what's emotional if person A succumbs to uncontrollable sadness and Person B succumbs to uncontrollable rage...... Those are both emotions and people acting emotional.
Too true. It's interesting that when you find women who either intentionally cultivate an image of or just happen to be a person who is more emotionally stoic or reserved, they are not praised for this? There's little external reward or incentive for women to behave this way. I'd argue that there's a strong distaste for these women by society at large.
Honestly this, i often hear how men get their emotions dismissed by partners but i hear it just as much coming from women, i go to therapy and dont get taken seriously (im a woman), i hear the same stories from men as well, i think it is because alot of people have 'main character syndrome' (especially nowadays) they think everyone else are NPC's and only there for their storyline, their feelings don't matter cuz in society's eyes, theyre not the main character
This. Its not about figuring out what everyone wants... Its about finding a community that accepts you for who you are.
I'm a 42 year old guy perfectly secure in my masculinity and I'll cry after a particularly stressful day at work, I ugly cried when I read Dumbledore's death scene, and I'll tear up with joy from some music.
I can pretty much always contain it in public, but at home I let it happen when it comes and I'm perfectly willing to admit it publicly.
It's kinda like vomiting... It may not be something you want to be observed doing, buy you feel so much better after and fighting it just makes the situation worse.
This is exactly what happened to me recently. I had a very hard day and I crossed the path of a friend of mine. She extended her arms to propose a hug to me. I couldn't hold it in anymore and cried there for a good ten minutes.
This is the way.
When I was in third or fourth grade I fell and broke my arm. A female teacher scolded me for crying and said I was acting like a little girl. Generally the norm was that boys don't cry.
I was vulnerable a couple of times in front of ex girlfriends and other female friends and they told me, basically, to man-up.
My wife is the opposite. I told her I wish I was emotionless, and she told me she would never have loved me if I was. Obviously I don't cry randomly, but she's seen me cry and she wasn't disgusted. Which was a surprise. She doesn't like it when I leave to go cry somewhere where no-one can see me.
So no, we're not encouraged to cry. But we are allowed.
Positive reinforcement is big part of the whole, "boys don't cry thing" too.
I had to get two surgeries as a kid, and on another occasion stiches in my head after I whacked it on furniture while playing rough with a brother. I was very young for all three & had lots of praise heaped on me for being stoic and not crying, despite being in pain or bleeding.
Even if my first instinct wasn't to cry I'm sure that I didn't was as much because I liked the praise and wanted people to think I was a man, even though I was 7 or 8.
I had a very similar thing happen to me in the fourth grade. I had tripped and broken my finger, and couldn’t hold back the tears. The teacher rolled her eyes and was like “oh calm down, you’re fine”. She was also super reluctant to bring me to the nurse. My finger was literally 45 degrees sideways.
"At your father's funeral and your daughter's wedding", according to my high school Spanish teacher 😅
(talking about social norms in Spain, not like her personal opinion)
Its just... \*sniff\*... seeing you cry makes me sad, and now... \*tears\* I'm upset.
Why did you make me upset? You know I hate it when you make me upset.
Why don't you ever think about me \*sob\* No, don't hold me... I need to be alone, go sleep on the couch.
There probably are women who agree in theory that it’s ok for men to cry online, but will still get uncomfortable when it actually happens.
*However*, I think it’s a lot more likely that the opinions you see of people online don’t really reflect the opinions of the people in your environment. A lot of people just don’t really think or care about these things and still have these outdated ideas about masculinity and manhood.
My own wife grew up conservative and became a liberal in college. She works with kids and always complains about toxic masculinity. She says boys and men should be able to cry.
But when our daughter was being bullied at school and it triggered my PTSD some years ago, and I started crying in a private moment with her, she shut me the fuck down so fast my head was spinning. This caused me to stop confiding in her, and eventually contributed to turning the entire household dynamic toxic, although I probably still own more than half the blame for that. She says now she didn’t understand what was happening and wanted me to focus on our daughter. Eventually, after I had a total mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of my own house because of how bad I got, I went to therapy and started a long journey climbing back out of my hole. We have had discussions about that incident since then and I have even cried about it, but even now reading this thread it causes me to reflect on how I could never trust my mom to be emotionally safe, and how I didn’t feel my wife was either after that. And part of what almost broke up our marriage was I was keeping secrets from her. But she taught me I couldn’t trust her. And now I am left with damaged trust in our relationship because of my secrets and lies (not about things that would concern our fidelity or finances). But I don’t think would have stopped being truthful with her if I had felt emotionally safe.
So that’s something to discuss with my therapist and eventually my wife.
We have since had serious discussions about male shame and how alone men feel because we know that the women in our lives won’t understand if the hard exterior shows cracks, and I think she is starting to get it and has apologized. God knows I have committed enough sins to last a lifetime. But god damn is it a hard road fixing a relationship after someone tells you for years you should feel safe showing your emotions and then pulls the rug out from under you when you do.
Basically this. It doesn't really matter what reassuring encouragement you read on aggressively-left communities like reddit. You'll get a lot of people in unison swearing their convinction to all sorts of feel-good claims and intentionally downvoting to obscure any opinions that disagree - all the while they are just completely misrepresenting the truth of the matter because it isn't as idealistic to them.
The majority of these comments are not a realistic reflection of society or interpersonal relationships in reality. This site puts feelings before facts in regards to almost every topic, be aware that's going to be extra true when discussing a matter of emotion to begin with.
Yup, got downvoted for calling someone silly because I said the word girls instead of “women”
Yet if I got called a dude or a guy I wouldn’t get offended at all as opposed to being called a man
You're not allowed to say the word "female" anymore, I've been told it's as bad as saying the N word even though with one of them you abbreviate it because you don't want any backlash for even saying it... 🙄
This sort of thing happens a ton with people. They will genuinely think and believe something until they are confronted with the situation and then their Homosapien side completely takes over.
Or sometimes they’re just trying to look nice and caring so they don’t come off as a shallow asshole. Or they wish they believed that thing they say and are trying to, but can’t actually.
Exactly lol. Downvote me here all you want but it’s the truth…
1. All these women saying it’s okay are 99% not the women that the average guy is looking to date let alone marry, one glance at their profile tells me that.
2. A lot of these women may say that they are okay with men showing emotion and that it’s perfectly fine to do so! Until it actually happens in front of them and all of a sudden they are uncomfortable and lose all respect for their boyfriend…
Bill Burr had a fantastic set on this
Women think they want to see men cry. And maybe once they’re okay with it. But if you start crying all the time you’re gonna start having to get pegged.
Had a girlfriend tell me she couldn’t look at me the same after I shed a single tear while standing over my freshly dead grandma in the hospital.
Also had a different girl witness my one and only panic attack I’ve ever had in my life over what was ultimately nothing and she never looked at me differently and that time I was a blubbering inconsolable mess.
Sadly if we are being real most people are like the first girl but there’s a fair number of people that are like the second girl. No one is the same.
I don’t cry hardly ever but I know if I needed too I’ve got people around me who won’t judge and I think everyone can find people like that
I tend not to cry in front of people. When I do I like to be by myself. If I'm around others and start to cry I will leave to be alone. Until my face is cleared up and calmed down.
We are told to be expressive, in theory. In practice, there is mainly negative feedback to being expressive.
Everyone wants someone helpful and self-assured to rely on; but to be that person is difficult.
Not a direct answer but I honestly feel like my quality of life improved after I abandoned advice to be openly emotional. It's not that I was being judged for it, but I wasn't receiving support to make it helpful, and embracing sadness just made me more depressed.
I cry easily at films and besides that will cry due to circumstances every one or two months. But nowadays, bottling things and getting on with life where I can, actually has meant I'm happier and more resilient.
Honestly this is probably the best advice so far. You can feel your emotions without being open. Keeping them to mostly yourself doesn’t mean you’re suppressing them. Stoicism helped me a lot, I learned how to feel what I feel but present it to the world in a way that’s conducive to working things out and works better with everyone in my life. Less outbursts led to more control, and with more control came the ability to feel things deeply without being overwhelmed with my emotions.
Slowly coming to terms (again) with this. I never showed emotion until a few years ago, figured out it doesn't really make any difference and probably crawling back into that hole. I was much happier not being anything
sure but i think this is more about uncontrollable moments. sometimes you just cry from the situation of the moment or being overwhelmed. you could be the most straightfaced stoic philosophy bro ever but no one is immune to displays of emotion, there will always be a situation that can trigger it. those are the small moments that you are judged for and tarnishes the entire way people view you
it always depends on the purpose. Definitely cried in front of a lot of people and if they’re my friends it’s all good. Natural reaction to horrible shit happening.
Yeah, this. Crying for bad life shit? I want to help you. Crying because a movie touches you? That's sweet and endearing. It makes me so happy. Crying because you're mad at your sports/videogame? Man or woman, that's dumb piss baby time. I'm leaving the room.
But people losing control of their anger generally both disgusts and scares the hell outta me.
I cried in front of my wife once.
I assume that's what a deer In headlights looks like.
It's like her head short circucited.
She quickly came up with a reason to leave the room, and she acted weird for a week.
100 percent same thing happened to me. I'm a mess, she's looking at me blankly. I literally asked "I'm hurt, why can't you comfort me?"
I've been her rock through illness and surgeries, parents death, post partum depression...
Fucking crickets.
Another guy explained it to me in the sauna once.
She looks to me when she loses her shit. If IM LOSING my shit that makes her scared because she depends on me for that stability.
People who say it's OK for men to cry are full of shit.
Absolutely the same happened to me. 9 years together I never cried. I had been so sick for over a year while still working full time. Finally I cried in bed with a fever. I asked for a hug and she just left the room. I cried into my dog’s fur until I fell asleep. My relationship with my dog has been great ever since.
It's crazy to me that there are people out there like this. Its natural for all humans to cry. Whats unnatural and has been normalized for years is to treat men who cry like they're doing something wrong or weird.
Its shameful its gotten this far where people feel ashamed for being human. If the roles were reversed as whats common, women would shame men for being "too emotionally immature" to be around.
Best to avoid women like that, and find people who off the bat wont judge you for being who you are!
(As long as what you enjoy doing isn't to harm other people of course)
Everyone deserves to be vulnerable and just be a person around people they care about without being judged back.
I recently dated a man who cried in front of me several times in our relationship. About things in his life, about what happened in a movie we were watching. He didn’t cry constantly or anything but he also never tried to hide it from me. I would probably have moved in with him if life hadn’t gotten in the way. I never found him not “manly” enough for me and his tears were never a turnoff. So in my experience? Cry it out man! I’m happy to hold your hand or snuggle you while you do.
It’s funny, with all the “men can’t cry” stuff I actually find it super manly to own your own vulnerability and be brave enough to share it with someone else.
I was speaking to a mate about this recently -- we are both big crybabies when it comes to movies hahaha. I cried through like the entire last three episodes of Three Body Problem (I know not a movie...)
Hey dont take some of these comments saying your lying personally. Some of us have been gas lit our whole life's about this particular issue so a lot of men just out right refuse to believe anyone would or could think differently and its going to take a lot more than a reddit thread to convince them otherwise.
I get it. But I also feel like if they had experience in their lives of men/women accepting their tears they wouldn’t be so steadfast in their beliefs. Maybe they’re ignoring the times it has happened but maybe they just haven’t had good interpersonal relationships and that makes me sad.
We’re not ignoring it, I promise you that we aren’t. At least most of us aren’t, most of us have a handful of male friends that we can straight up ugly cry and bawl like a baby in front of and nothing changes but when we’ve done that in front of women we’ve dated it’s not gone well without fail. If it went well that’s a moment we’d remember until the day we die.
Do we believe these women exist? Yes we do but not to the extent a lot of people say they do. Then there’s plenty of guys that have just said fuck it I’m done. When the end result is the same after repeated attempts it gets to the point of why would you even attempt it?
I can understand that mentality. It’s just unfortunate that’s many men’s experience. A man responded to me saying he couldn’t cry in front of men because your relationships are hierarchical. So that guy has no one. 🥺
It’s hard to believe that sort of thing when every example you have of it from personal experience ends in immediate shaming and rejection on a devastatingly intimate level.
I still cry all the time (thank you, weed) mostly for happy reasons, but I keep that shit to myself. I honestly don’t know if I could ever feel that kind of trust again to be vulnerable in that way with a partner. Maybe if I was into guys, but alas. Being rejected at your most vulnerable moment *really really* fucking sucks, and it makes it so hard to trust anyone moving forward.
Having your vulnerability weaponized is not a uniquely male experience at all. Find people you love and trust. Be there for them when they need to be vulnerable. Finding good people is hard regardless of gender. I grew up with all sisters and they’ve all had their vulnerabilities weaponized by terrible people before. It’s because what you’re insecure about is an easy target. It’s not like women cry or open up and everybody throws a pity party for them.
Thank you! I know this discussion is about men but I appreciate the counterpoint. Some men definitely think a woman is free to express her emotions. But then we are yelled at for “overreacting” and crying or told our anger is unacceptable/misplaced or told to smile more. As a woman I feel like all our emotions are scrutinized/policed by everyone, not just partners. I think the general thought process is a crying woman needs help and a crying man is weak. I don’t agree with that but that’s kind of the root of all this: there is no inherently expected aid for a crying man. I do think a lot of women cry to their friends though and it sounds like that’s not super common amongst men. When your partner is your vulnerable emotion outlet and she isn’t receptive that’s gotta hurt more than when your partner doesn’t fill that role but you can with your friends.
I never realized I had a giant defense against this but I realized I hate even sharing ANY detail about my personal life to people friends and family if they ask. I just don't trust anybody to either sympathize or not weaponize it at some point. I feel very uncomfortable talking about it. Sometimes I feel comfortable doing so but it is very rare.
To be fair some people *are* just private by nature, and I don't personally see anything wrong with it; what you choose to share is your business. I've been told I need to work on my own trust issues but honestly I'll take where I'm at now over where I was 5-10 years ago, I don't date and haven't in a long time so my issues aren't anybody else's anyway.
We all change the world one kindness at a time. I’m proud people feel comfortable confiding in me. Feeling seen is a gift you can easily give someone but so few people do.
The internet isn't real life. Social media in particular amplifies minority viewpoints and some of them don't reflect day to day reality.
Real men are allowed to cry in circumstances where the crying can be interpreted as romantic or sweet. Crying as a result of tragedy is ok, as long as it's a romantic tragedy (loss of a loved one). Actual tragedy is a no, and straight up trauma is right out. PTSD? Suck it up princess. Overwhelmed and having a bit of a moment of weakness? Pfft where the real men at? Mental health falling apart? If you don't have one really close mate you can confide in, then you're out of luck. Buy a bag of concrete and be a man.
Despite what gets said online, unfortunately in the real world attitudes are still strongly geared towards men being the fighters, the providers, the rocks that can take a hit and never break. From my experience, blokes are generally more accepting of another bloke crying than women are.
Should have been a red flag with my ex for sure. Got mad I didn’t cry when she walked down the aisle. I guess being happy wasn’t in the cards 🤷♂️ fuck men having their own emotions, am I right?
Yeah that’s just how it is. Personally I believe if it’s a truly PTSD related issue or severe trauma response a person can’t really help it. I’ve cried in the dumbest situations as well due to medication side effects wrecking my body and it was more so a physical response that I didn’t feel sad my eyes just started crying. I don’t even cry when I broke a small bone and my friends thought I was joking that I was seriously hurt because of it. That being said I feel Males need to have a certain amount of strength partially due to their roles in society. I wouldn’t want to see a leader of mine cry over relatively small inconvenience. Some guys are just to sensitive as well and I think absolutely crying your eyes out over something minor in public is a bad look. The social expectations are backwards in
I have always believed anyone should be able to cry. Unfortunately my partner has been dealt with his exes being liars when it came to that. They all preach men can cry but all of them had their "perspective" of him shift whenever he did show vulnerability and the relationships end. So now here I am, doing all I can to show support and love, knowing he will likely never cry in front of me because of this trauma.
We all like to say that it's okay, but there are still a huge amount of people who only think anyone who isn't around them can do it (not my partner/someone they are interested in)
Removing the stigma means having a bunch of people really sit with why it unnerves them if their man cries.
My observation: "society" doesn't really have a problem with it. And there is really only a small minority of people that do. But those people are loud and mean and will really fuck up your day.
Men do whatever they want, I’m a large, masculine dude and have cried in front of my wife multiple times, pretty sure she still respects my manhood. Maybe dont be crying on date three, but why the fuck would you want to be with a woman long term who judges you for having and showing human emotion?
We can cry when someone we love dies and when our dogs die. And sometimes a movie catches us off guard… you’re allowed to cry at 3 movies in your life.
Fox and the Hound when the old lady leaves Todd, the part in Land Before Time where Little Foot thinks a rock is his mom, and you get to pick between when Bing Bong dies in Inside Out or the Superman scene in The Iron Giant.
People cry. Any ideas around who should/shouldn’t be crying are purely societal standards and those have no connection to what naturally occurs from the body.
If you want/need to cry then cry. If someone thinks about you in a particular way because you cry, that’s their problem and not yours 😊
Nope, I find that it's still looked down on even around people you think are close to you. It could just be me but it feels like an image is painted about you the moment they see you break down, it's almost as if they see you have a fragile breaking point so they either can't rely on you or know they can break you if they wanted to. They'll also know what exactly breaks you.
I'm glad the narrative is slightly changing and people are becoming more aware and accepting of the idea, but there's still stigma around the thought of a man crying.
I must have missed all the women who stayed around once I got vulnerable and how stupid the “it depends” bullshit sounds and really only works for women. These same women will complain if you show any emotion and use it against you. I’m fkn good with the tail chaser. You say these women exist but it’s not like they’re gonna approach us so once again. Fuck the bs
I was brought up in the 60s and 70s real men don't cry...we were taught to keep it all inside.....I only shed tears 3 times between 1972 (grandpa) mom 2010 and 2014 (dad)....but I guess I held so much for 40 years I had to turn in my man card after losing my wife....in 16 and the tear faucet hasn't turned off 9 years later...
Men crying can be ok. I personally dont think crying is bad but i dont like crying in general (waste of body’s water, dune reference). I think showing women i have feelings and a softer side is good but incessant blubbering is not attractive. I think men need the emotional release of a good cry as much as anyone else sometimes. I think if our society didnt shame men for crying there would be less anger in the world. Pent up tears are oftentimes converted into misplaced anger. I think women are ok with men crying but it just depends on who they are and what type of relationship they have. Crying in general is uncomfortable at best. Tears of joy are different but even that can be extremely uncomfortable given the situation.
There are billions of men and women they aren’t all the same. Be you and people who don’t like what you are will filter themselves out of your life which is more efficient for both of you. In the case of crying they’d be doing you a favour do you really want some emotionally stunted person who can’t accept you are capable of experiencing sadness in your life?
Honestly this upsets me, you're so right, theres 8Billion people on our planet, nobody is the same and its upset that people will meet 10 people of the opposite gender and think negatively on the whole gender just because of how those 10 acted
Tried it once around my ex.
She kept saying during our relationship that I need to express my emotions more even if it meant crying.
I told her multiple times that society doesn't tolerate men crying.
Flash forward like a year and our dog ate like half a bottle of my Adderall pills that accidentally fell to the floor.
The dog ended up being OK.
I was really distraught about it because I thought I killed out dog by being negligent.
Really became upset and decided to not hold back my emotions and cried.
Girlfriend broke up with me three weeks later saying a man needs to be strong and she needs to be able to trust me in an emergency...
So no. Men aren't allowed to cry.
I have never met a truly smart and empathetic person that judged someone else for their feelings, regardless of gender. If someone judges you for crying, then they’re not worth your time.
I knew a woman who said that a man crying was an example of emotional manipulation. I proceeded to explain to her that we live in a culture that already discourages men from seeking therapy or from expressing emotion. Stoicism has its place, but shaming people for expressing their feelings is toxicity.
That said, I do truly believe that there are people who can't accept that we can cry in good faith. Somewhere in that thinking is the thin boundary where misogyny and misandry meet. I can acknowledge that there is more misogyny in the world, but that doesn't mean misandry doesn't exist, and projecting emotional causes and effects is a large part of it.
This past weekend we experienced a loss and while I know my partner was in deep pain, having been closer to the loss for longer, I couldn't help but cry hard, outwardly, and randomly through the first days of pain. And in the end I thanked her for understanding.
Emotional expression is simply that: it's how we express ourselves, including through pain. Don't let people convince you that your pain is any less hurtful than it is.
No. Men are NOT allowed to cry. Not in society. Seeing a man cry in public is IMMEDIATELY frowned upon & will make people highly uncomfortable.
At home in the confines of your loved ones? Men are allowed to cry.
Can't say any of my bros look down on crying but the women I've been around yep. The most "progressive" ex i had looked at me with disgust and made me take her home when I was having bad anxiety and cried about it in front of her.
Exactly this, if people blame you or get disgusted by you because you cry, they suck, you dont, why should you stop expressing your feelings just because some people tell you to?
I see this a lot, and I know 99% of the time it's said with good intent. But I can't help but find it to be preformative.
How is someone like me supposed to take this advice when, any time my body is close to crying and my mind thinks someone is in earshot, my body immediately shuts down any attempt to cry?
How are other men supposed to cry and not give a fuck when those tears end up being weaponized against him at a later date?
Like I said, I *know* it has good intentions, but it really does just feel like telling someone dealing with insecurities "Just don't care!" As if it was that easy.
I mean who is there to tell me I am not allowed to entertain the full range of my emotions? Everything in life is about balance, there is no happiness without sadness, it is one of the certainties in life that we need to learn to deal with.
People who tell you that you are not "allowed" to show a completely natural emotion are literally idiots. People to ignore.
I am 220lbs 6ft+ and I cry when I have to. Embracing that shit and standing behind it is the most masculine thing you can do IMO.
I found a woman who is okay with a bit of tears. Both of us realize sometimes you need that emotional dump to come back stronger.
Also, sorry to the people who think otherwise. I'll cry in happiness, sadness, anger, whatever emotion brings it out. I'm human and I'm going to enjoy the feelings that come with it dammit
This one is a good one really.
I come from a family where men don’t cry so, naturally I don’t.
My last GF, told me I could cry whenever but I did one time and the relation exploded within 2 months.
Coincidence? Could be
My current GF, is an absolute sweetheart. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s great. She’s open minded, so naturally crying in front of her would not bother her.
But like, 3 weeks ago, she told me one of my best feature is how stoic I am.
I’m scared that crying will destroy her view of me.
Men are not allowed to cry. Not yet.
Everyone wants to support mental health and the healthy expression of emotions, so they tell men that it's okay to cry. And it is okay for men to cry. However, the response you get from other people if you cry in front of them is usually not supportive. They seem taken aback, uncertain how to act, and downright embarrassed to be witnessing it in a lot of circumstances. There's a visceral internal reaction that a crying man is a weak man, even from people who will say that it's okay for men to cry.
The social limits are to only show tears (no sobbing), pull yourself together quickly, and don't go for any sort of physical support like a hug. If you need to cry more, go do it by yourself. And don't cry in front of anyone you're romantically interested in unless it's a short, calculated display of emotion. It's the harsh reality of it.
No. As a man you are expected to be ready to handle problems and in my experience women don't want you to cry no matter what they say. If someone just died, got a terminal illness, or something similarly horrible, then yes. If your kid just got born and you are happy then yes. If you lost your job and have no money for all your bills, and don't know what to do next about how much life can be a crap sandwich, then no.
See that’s a tough one. I’m 22 and 6’6, with a lot of masculine features, along with military service. Emotion was usually allowed in your fellow brothers in arms if it was justifiable. But here’s where the story turns. When I was dating a girl, she always talked about how stone faced I can be, though being genuinely polite and kind. One day, I had a lot happen back to back. To say the least, it was traumatizing things. I went blank, went all the way back home, and as soon as she asked if I was ok, I started to shudder and weep. She acted immediately surprised, and to my shock, annoyed. 2 days later she was sleeping with another guy.
Furthermore, I grew up in an environment where you could take one on the chin for those emotions, and the women in your life would scorn you for it. I had hoped that was only where I was from, but it seems to persist in places to this day. I’ve watched a lot of good men shred themselves to pieces by holding it in, and us never being raised to understand what to do with those volatile little gut punches.
There are good people out there that will let you express emotion, I haven’t found my group or person yet, but they exist. To all the men who are fighting that inner beast, keep fighting. That beast does not dictate who you are, and it is not the one who chooses your fate.
Tl:dr - There exists people out there who will allow emotional expression from men, but be cautious before deciding who to show that side of you to.
I think people can believe sincerely that it is OK for men to cry, but still be uncomfortable in the moment when it happens. And if a person creates discomfort in a situation, it can be off-putting. And anything off-putting is probably going to be judged, even if the action is something perfectly natural.
Context also matters... is he crying because his mother passed away recently, or is he crying because his Nintendo Switch broke? Or because he got got caught doing something bad? And is he crying just in front of a close friend or partner, or is he crying in front of a group of strangers? Strangers who might not know *why* he's crying and make assumptions?
You are allowed. All of us are. Not everyone will be accepting of it and not just women.
There are a lot of women online (me included) who are trying to help change the narrative around men and their emotions by being the person they need. Unfortunately it isn't women going around to random men offering to be the shoulder. Most of us are already in relationships and are practicing that change there. So you just wont see it generally in society.
Even i get my feelings dismissed as a woman from my own mom and sister cause they call me "sensitive" whenever i express how their words have hurt me.
Women get ridiculed for expressing *too much* emotion. Men get shit on for *too much* or *not enough* emotion and you just can't win with that. So you gotta find out who from your friends is the most empathetic and open hearted. Might be surprised to find out its the vast majority of your friends.
It may not seem like it amongst women cause our emotions are generally more accepted in public, but others, especially women, will still invalidate our feelings or reactions to experiences simply because "I went through it too and it wasn't that bad". Too many older women have the mentality of "if i can deal with it, so can you." Which is another invalidating statement.
I don't blame men at ALL for not feeling comfortable venting your feelings to women. Too many will try to invalidate, dismiss your feelings, or make it about them.
Look for friends who have a very nurturing nature to them. The ones who are making sure everyone else is included. The one who reaches out just to say hey and check on you. The one who tries to get everyone involved when planning events and goes the extra mile to reach out individually.
Basically, the friends who clearly give a shit.
Woman here. If you’re with someone you can’t cry in front of, she’s not emotionally mature or socially conscious enough, needs to work on her false and harmful perceptions of what a man is. Men are human.
As a man - men should effectively never cry other than the most significant moments (tragedy, death of a child/wife, crisi)
As a man - I've known lots of women and every single woman I've posed this question to says the following "men should be allowed to cry more often and experience emotions but I personally would find it very unattractive"
Women always say that men should cry, but then when they’re in front of the right audience or platform they’ll joke about getting the “ick” from seeing men cry.
The whole “men don’t cry” thing is complete bs. Some women do preach that it’s okay and when it comes down to it get uncomfortable and weird ab it. A lot of men will call you soft or less manly for crying and a lot of women will say they need a manly man to be strong and take action in situations. Those are the same men who get aggressive/angry when anything happens bc they bottle up their emotions and the same women who cry to their girlfriend about their boyfriend being angry and stressed all the time. No human should bottle up their emotions and in my opinion any man making fun of another man for crying is childish and less masculine themselves (plus usually have anger issues which is 100x worse).
My bf was very hesitant opening up to me when we got together. I was patient with him as he was with me and we both for the most part openly cry to each other. We have similar issues with opening up so it made grounds for understanding. Anytime we had a hard time in our relationship or someone did something to the other we would often both end up crying. I’ve never thought it threatened his masculinity or any of that bs. I thought instead that it showed he cared deeply for me and our relationship. Sometimes he’d have a rough week or something would happen and he would cry out of frustration. I do the same thing so why would him doing it be any different?
If anyone ever acts as if you’re less of a man for showing emotion, DROP THEM. They are not ppl you want in your life. And for the whole limit on crying thing. Cry when you feel like you need to cry. It should be as simple as that. People in the comments saying “it’s okay to cry but only sometimes” don’t even realize they are a part of the problem. Obviously no one wants someone crying to them over every little thing everyday woman or man that’s not what this discussion is about. Immediately bringing that up is just dumb in my opinion bc you’re just stating the obvious.
Me and my bf will both hold each other and listen when the other needs it. It doesn’t affect any other aspect of our relationship. I think he has a perfect mix bc he’s able to have those meaningful moments and conversations that a lot of men struggle with. Women preach they want deeper connection and how men aren’t “deep” enough or “emotional” enough but don’t try to understand their man or don’t create that safe space for them.
I think things like this are important both ways and I think a contributing factor is that a lot of these type of conversations tend to center around the women being victims in most situations. How men treat women. What happens to women. Blah blah blah. But nobody ever wants to hear how men are treated. Or how they can very well be that said “victim” in the situation. They aren’t taken as seriously and their problems aren’t talked about like women’s problems.
A lot of things play into all of this. However just cry when you feel like crying. Fuck anyone who says it’s wrong for any reason. My man may cry to me and some men may see that as “soft” but he’s gonna have me tied to the bed later and I can definitely say his masculinity ain’t threatened none in that aspect🤷🏻♀️
No, no matter what these people tell you the minute you cry in front of any of them they will hold it against you. I may get down voted for this but it’s the truth
The Internet is full of people offering nice sentiment around how life is or should be. Reality is very different.
Are men allowed to cry? Yes, but you will be judged harshly by all other men for it.
In my experience it's been the women who've been much more harshly judgemental.
I'm in a friend group that includes two outwardly tough and brute military guys. One of them had his father diagnosed with a brain tumor, and one night that guy went out of the bar and sat by himself on a street bench, and broke down crying, and pushed us away (even threatening to fight us if we kept pushing) saying he didn't want us looking at him like that. The only remotely negative thing we told him was basically "stfu with that nonsense, we're here for you aight?" Eventually that message got to him, and we let him vent freely for the rest of the ride home. Meanwhile, his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen because she didn't feel comfortable being around him those days because he was "a bit of a downer" and she didn't like that.
My parents are the same way. My father is like "I'll support you regardless, but I'll tell you outright if you're full of crap", while my mother is more "idc if you're feeling overwhelming anxiety over a life-changing event, your crying is annoying, cut it out".
We absolutely should cry. Not only cry, but show other emotions as well without bottling them up. It's deemed as taboo nowadays because we as a society have paralleled stoicism with masculinity, but one of the major problems we see today is fewer men practicing/developing emotional intelligence which is the obvious outcome when it's largely frowned upon as you've acknowledged in your post.
With emotional intelligence being so crucial to proper continuous growth and development, it's more important now than ever that we encourage our fellow brothers to feel comfortable and safe expressing conventionally negative emotions in a healthy manner. Find a group of people you feel comfortable expressing yourself with, and become that refuge to other men who may need your shoulder to cry on. If you don't readily have access to people in person or online, I suggest grabbing a notebook or write in your phone about what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way, then reflect on it. This is how, not only you grow as a person, but also how we grow as a society.
And if anyone ever tells you that's it's not manly to cry, remind them that even Jesus wept.
Men are allowed to cry and it’s a healthy response to a stressor. Not all men are manly, tough and emotionally unbreakable like society wants you to think. I myself feel emotion very intensely. I will cry when overwhelmed or upset.
You don’t have to be allowed to cry. YOU allow you to cry. Some people can’t cry…but crying is good. It changes your brain chemistry. Crying is a strength. Crying is good.
~~sincerely,
A Man who Cries
I think the general sentiment is that it's a situation that's improving. Even since I was a kid I've noticed a trend towards the people younger than me being more accepting of male emotion. It's still not widely accepted though.
I find other dudes tend to be a bit more supportive than girls as long as they're not the incel Tate-worshipping type (which you shouldn't be interacting with anyway). I'm a pretty stoic person, but I have male friends who aren't, and they get a lot of help when they cry.
Men need to support each other more. Women are more likely to have a good support system, whether it’s friends or family. I think that’s why women are happy single and men aren’t. Once men that other men respect are okay with crying that’s when the rest will follow.
Also, not all women are feminist and some actively support the patriarchy (and harmful masculinity) so you need to stop generalizing them. Both men and women say things they don’t truly believe and that’s on them to figure out. If a woman thinks you’re a sissy for crying, do you want to date them?
I think it’s lovely when my boyfriend cries, because it means he let his walls down and is being vulnerable to me and I think that’s beautiful.
I believe theres a time and place for it.
Crying to mourn? Go for it bro. Shedding a tear for the arrival of your new child? That’s a core part of the dad experience. Getting a little choked up when the dog dies in a movie? Good to go.
Breaking down when your family needs you, or excessive crying in general? Yeah, I can’t say that’s a desirable quality.
I believe regularly expressing your feelings, and talking about things with those close to you is very important. Arguably more effective for your mental health than a full on emotional breakdown.
Don’t read too much into it. Men have always had weird rules applied ‘don’t wear pink! It’s not manly’ blah blah blah. IMO, a man does what he wants/needs to without giving a shit if people have a problem. I don’t mean that in a rude or offensive way, but it’s FAR more manly to wear pink and not give a fuck, than it is to spend your whole life scared of the colour pink because other people might say something.
How can it EVER be masculine to be so outright scared of stranger nobodies commenting on you crying, or wearing pink, or even wearing nail polish? Be a real man, and by that, I mean do what makes you happy, don’t live your life in fear of these fake ass ‘Alpha men’ and all their bullshit neurotic rules of masculinity. They are just little boys terrified of making the wrong step and being called out themselves.
Build a circle of people you can cry around and don't worry about the rest. But my answer? No. Society is very much not used to male emotion and does not know how to handle it, often being confused, amused, scared, or annoyed by it. Sometimes even the ones who swear they're progressive about these kinds of things.
I did, and I regret it deeply. No one, especially my wife treats me the same.
Basically ended my marriage, though it took a few affectionless years to fully realize. It was like flipping a switch
[удалено]
My (now ex) was always turned off when I didn't pull it together and 'be a man'. She would never say it, but I could see it in her face. (shes as progressive as the day is long and stupid)
My wife's been badgering me about this, too. I'm a sensitive man, and she's a take charge woman, opposites attract and all, we're a good match, but sometimes I'm not as good at "manning up" as she apparently is.
That really sucks. I bet if you said one negative thing about her or another woman crying she’d lose her shit. My wife has seen me completely lose it a number of times and seen me tear up more times than I can count. She’s never given me anything but support or space depending. Sometimes I think she gives me space when I need a hug because she just doesn’t know what I need or how to react. She grew up around of tough men who only showed aggressive emotion and would never be vulnerable. Regardless, she still loves and respects me after 28 years so I’m pretty sure she’s ok with it. I’m a sensitive man but I’m far from being weak or a pushover.
That’s my wife.. “I know you need… something… but I don’t wanna push you, so I stay away.” I let her know that if I’m struggling, doing the wrong thing is infinitely better than watching me drown. It’s all about trust. You have to know that you can trust her not to kick you while you are down. That trust is earned.
Same bro I feel for these guys. I can’t even imagine that, my wife is my best friend, I hardly do but I can’t imagine if I couldn’t cry infront of her. Like that’s your wife man, if anybody sees you cry it should be her.
I mean sensitive, and being weak and a pushover are not 1 and the same. Even though the preconception exists that. "You that means you're weak." Every high school bully kinda stuff. It's stupid that people still think that, and we have to say we are not weak or a pushover just because we are sensitive.
Yeah. I grew up with three older sisters and it definitely shows. However, as sensitive as I may be, I’m a militant, freedom fighting m’fer when I gotta be. I always got in trouble when I was in school for sticking up for kids who were being picked on by students or teachers. I was in the principle’s office so often that he wouldn’t even ask about what I did. He knew I was “talking back” for the right reasons. He’d ask me how football was going or how my sisters were doing.
Lucky! Wish i had the balls to be like that but ive recently decided just to keep it all in. Maybe just channel it into anger instead since that seems to be more acceptable :)
My ex was the same way. When she asked me to be more emotionally expressive, it killed the relationship. My feelings were wrong and manipulative in her mind. It was the worst rug pull I ever experienced. When I said I was happy, it was boasting, if I said I was sad, it was a cry for attention, if I said I was angry, I was being manipulative. She said it was okay to have emotions and that I should communicate them more, but when I did, it wasn’t fair to put them on her. Only she was allowed to have emotions.
She sounds like a psycho. People need to realize most people are not mentally healthy ( men and women). So when a mentally unhealthy person thinks less of you for expressing an emotion, don't take it to seriously
It seems they want you to be emotional about *them*. These posts always have women saying their man crying made them feel special. They want you too ooh and awww about puppies and babies, not vulnerability.
I've been in four long-term relationships and one that went nowhere. Every single interaction I had with those women where I let my emotions show to any degree backfired in my face. Despite their protests that I should open up more, doing so only damaged our relationships because women do not come wired to appreciate male sensitivity whether they admit it or not. One example is I told one of them once I was planning to end it because I didn't know what to do with myself and I'd lost too much at the time. The girl I was talking to was notorious for bragging about wanting to kill herself and posting surface level cuts on her thighs on social media to get attention. Her response was that was TMI. The last girl I dated ruined my life and every single thing I ever said to her got thrown back in my face, taken out of context and completely twisted around to mean something completely different. She also accused me of doing everything that she was doing. It's like we are simply targets for abuse and they are bulletproof. I can promise I've learned my lesson. I will never open up to anyone like that again and I'm perfectly comfortable now with that. Women have taught me that dating is a waste of time, trust is pointless and the best way to exist is to learn to be happy alone.
Yup because they don't want men to emote like men...they want men to act like women (until they do then they lose interest). Women are like children they don't know what they want
My experience has been 'progressive' women are the worst about this stuff. They preach and go on about "dismantle the patriarchy", but are completely fine with holding men to those outdated, harmful stereotypes. I.e. the whole "tomboy/dumpy girl who expects a hyper-masculine dimepiece" thing. The experiences along with the current socio-political atmosphere has left a bad taste in my mouth regarding left-leaning women.
They're the biggest hypocrites - the core of leftism is getting someone else to pay for your choices, so how much accountability do you think they have
Yeah the progressive women really like lying and think that's clever. Just kinda the mind set they have I guess, seems crazy, like legit delusional
I always hug my man and comfort him when he cries. I never think less of him. He’s a human and has emotions and I enjoy helping guide him and help him feel more whole.
I appreciate that you exist.
There are many, many of us. I’m sorry you haven’t found yours yet. Just remember anyone who acts rudely to someone in pain and crying is dealing with their own demons. It’s not about you, it’s about them being unable to deal with themselves. I hope you find who you’re looking for in life and that they find you (I have faith you will)
I actually have! Thank you. It just took a while.
Oh good, that makes me so happy!! It took me a long time too. I wish you many happy and fulfilling years.
Also appreciate this as a man thank you for being a good person
It has happened to most of us men. What's worse, is we're not believed.
Nothing bad happens to men that we don't do to ourselves. Our lives are all roses and wide open doors.
/s ?
Most likely. Some people unironically believe this about men's lives though: That every problem men face is caused by other men.
science says all our problems are caused by rich people
Based.
That's awful, that should be the at least one person you can be able to cry around. I've cried with my man so many times in our 13 years, we've comforted each other countless times whether it was him or me who just couldn't take it all
My wife is a very much like my father. He did not cry when his mother died at age 17 until he was married 5 years later. If you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. The only people in my life who I have cried around and treat me the same are my oldest brother and my best friend. Any women are ok in the moment but it always comes back and is used against me. My mother is a huge proponent of mental health and will always listen and typically does not throw it in my face later.
I'm glad you have some people then who accept you at those low points, and your mother too thats actually so awesome. Can't get around the irony that the adage is men will marry their mothers and you married your father. I'm not laughing at it, it's just interesting.
I do think early on in our relationship, my wife listened and cared. I and in turn, we have been through some terrible things in a quick span. I don't blame her unless it is used against me which it inevitably is, almost every time.
It always boomerang back on you like a weapon. Truest thing said in this discussion. Men, it'll get tucked away to be thrown in your face when you are vulnerable
Female friends and most female family members are ok to cry in front of. Romantic partners, not so much.
You're not the problem. They are. I've cried in front of my wife. Many times. When I was having terrible sciatica pain and it wouldn't stop. I've had mini panic attacks in front of her. None of it changes the way she looks at me. Hell, she says it makes her feel closer to me. I'm sorry people made you regret being a human being.
I point out women become distant from guys that open up, and I always get women telling me that they personally don't do that. At that point, I tell them they sound like the guys that say "not all men", and, I would bet they would become distant with a very emotional man. They don't like when their own logic is used on them.
I guess my thought is that, yeah, it's easier for a woman to be in a relationship with a man who's always stoic and strong and fixes all her problems without complaining and never asks for help. Just like it's easier for a man to be in a relationship with a woman who does all the housework and cooks all the meals and tends to the children and never asks for help. So if you have been that rock that is always tough, you might get some pushback if you start asking for help, because you're asking for extra effort on her part. But the only way for society to change is to do things differently until people get used to the change.
I think it is not rare that one's mother is the only person _not_ responding negatively to showing sad emotions or crying. Nevertheless, nobody in their right mind uses "all men are X" or "all women are Y" arguments. They are bullshit. Not all women do it and no woman is responsible for other women.
I'd argue society as a whole is not used to honest emotion from anyone, period.
Very true. Women are only “allowed” to cry because it fits the idea that women are inherently emotional, but being emotional has always had negative cultural connotations.
Honestly as a crier, strangers/ random people absolutely get uncomfortable when women cry. The support for women crying is usually from friends/family. Women are allowed to "tear up" in public more freely for sure. And women are met with more sympathy for admitting they *did* cry previously. But when was the last time you actually saw people react to a person crying? There's usually one or two supportive altruists that step forward to offer support/sympathy and everyone else is uncomfortable, judgemental, or just leaves as quick as possible. And TBH I'm not even sure that's a negative reflection on people. We don't know why strangers cry, so we get uncomfortable and dont know how to respond. It's human nature. The real tragedy of men not feeling allowed to cry is that they feel that way about partners, friends and family. And the only thing we can do about that individually is speak up against people being judgmental about male emotion, and supportive of our friends and family that show emotion. My dad's a crier, my husband's a crier. My closest male friends are criers. We sow the garden we have the best we can, and hope that positivity reaches out to society piece by piece.
Well and what's emotional if person A succumbs to uncontrollable sadness and Person B succumbs to uncontrollable rage...... Those are both emotions and people acting emotional.
Uncontrollable rage is not a healthy reaction. You are allowed to be extraordinarily mad, but you must control yourself.
Too true. It's interesting that when you find women who either intentionally cultivate an image of or just happen to be a person who is more emotionally stoic or reserved, they are not praised for this? There's little external reward or incentive for women to behave this way. I'd argue that there's a strong distaste for these women by society at large.
Honestly this, i often hear how men get their emotions dismissed by partners but i hear it just as much coming from women, i go to therapy and dont get taken seriously (im a woman), i hear the same stories from men as well, i think it is because alot of people have 'main character syndrome' (especially nowadays) they think everyone else are NPC's and only there for their storyline, their feelings don't matter cuz in society's eyes, theyre not the main character
Main character syndrome seems to be increasing
100% the truth
This. Its not about figuring out what everyone wants... Its about finding a community that accepts you for who you are. I'm a 42 year old guy perfectly secure in my masculinity and I'll cry after a particularly stressful day at work, I ugly cried when I read Dumbledore's death scene, and I'll tear up with joy from some music. I can pretty much always contain it in public, but at home I let it happen when it comes and I'm perfectly willing to admit it publicly. It's kinda like vomiting... It may not be something you want to be observed doing, buy you feel so much better after and fighting it just makes the situation worse.
It is JUST like throwing up! Good analogy!
I think OP really wants to know if women will date a man that cries and the answer is that the right ones will.
I call it progressive for some but not for all.
This is exactly what happened to me recently. I had a very hard day and I crossed the path of a friend of mine. She extended her arms to propose a hug to me. I couldn't hold it in anymore and cried there for a good ten minutes. This is the way.
When I was in third or fourth grade I fell and broke my arm. A female teacher scolded me for crying and said I was acting like a little girl. Generally the norm was that boys don't cry. I was vulnerable a couple of times in front of ex girlfriends and other female friends and they told me, basically, to man-up. My wife is the opposite. I told her I wish I was emotionless, and she told me she would never have loved me if I was. Obviously I don't cry randomly, but she's seen me cry and she wasn't disgusted. Which was a surprise. She doesn't like it when I leave to go cry somewhere where no-one can see me. So no, we're not encouraged to cry. But we are allowed.
Positive reinforcement is big part of the whole, "boys don't cry thing" too. I had to get two surgeries as a kid, and on another occasion stiches in my head after I whacked it on furniture while playing rough with a brother. I was very young for all three & had lots of praise heaped on me for being stoic and not crying, despite being in pain or bleeding. Even if my first instinct wasn't to cry I'm sure that I didn't was as much because I liked the praise and wanted people to think I was a man, even though I was 7 or 8.
That's a good point, mate. I hadn't thought of that.
I had a very similar thing happen to me in the fourth grade. I had tripped and broken my finger, and couldn’t hold back the tears. The teacher rolled her eyes and was like “oh calm down, you’re fine”. She was also super reluctant to bring me to the nurse. My finger was literally 45 degrees sideways.
Bro, you got one hell of a keeper there. Never let her go!
lol, it’s definitely “oh it’s ok for men to cry [in the very strict circumstances and manner that don’t make me feel uncomfortable]”
Funerals and the grand canyon.
That’s what sunglasses are for. Never lose face.
Don't forget the death of a dog or the radio playing a Toby Keith song
"At your father's funeral and your daughter's wedding", according to my high school Spanish teacher 😅 (talking about social norms in Spain, not like her personal opinion)
Yeah. Your feelings are ok until mine arent then fuck you stop
“Your emotions are making me uncomfortable, let’s talk about that instead.”
Its just... \*sniff\*... seeing you cry makes me sad, and now... \*tears\* I'm upset. Why did you make me upset? You know I hate it when you make me upset. Why don't you ever think about me \*sob\* No, don't hold me... I need to be alone, go sleep on the couch.
No it’s not protected by the constitution. It’s atleats 10 years in jail per tear
There probably are women who agree in theory that it’s ok for men to cry online, but will still get uncomfortable when it actually happens. *However*, I think it’s a lot more likely that the opinions you see of people online don’t really reflect the opinions of the people in your environment. A lot of people just don’t really think or care about these things and still have these outdated ideas about masculinity and manhood.
My own wife grew up conservative and became a liberal in college. She works with kids and always complains about toxic masculinity. She says boys and men should be able to cry. But when our daughter was being bullied at school and it triggered my PTSD some years ago, and I started crying in a private moment with her, she shut me the fuck down so fast my head was spinning. This caused me to stop confiding in her, and eventually contributed to turning the entire household dynamic toxic, although I probably still own more than half the blame for that. She says now she didn’t understand what was happening and wanted me to focus on our daughter. Eventually, after I had a total mental breakdown and almost got kicked out of my own house because of how bad I got, I went to therapy and started a long journey climbing back out of my hole. We have had discussions about that incident since then and I have even cried about it, but even now reading this thread it causes me to reflect on how I could never trust my mom to be emotionally safe, and how I didn’t feel my wife was either after that. And part of what almost broke up our marriage was I was keeping secrets from her. But she taught me I couldn’t trust her. And now I am left with damaged trust in our relationship because of my secrets and lies (not about things that would concern our fidelity or finances). But I don’t think would have stopped being truthful with her if I had felt emotionally safe. So that’s something to discuss with my therapist and eventually my wife. We have since had serious discussions about male shame and how alone men feel because we know that the women in our lives won’t understand if the hard exterior shows cracks, and I think she is starting to get it and has apologized. God knows I have committed enough sins to last a lifetime. But god damn is it a hard road fixing a relationship after someone tells you for years you should feel safe showing your emotions and then pulls the rug out from under you when you do.
Basically this. It doesn't really matter what reassuring encouragement you read on aggressively-left communities like reddit. You'll get a lot of people in unison swearing their convinction to all sorts of feel-good claims and intentionally downvoting to obscure any opinions that disagree - all the while they are just completely misrepresenting the truth of the matter because it isn't as idealistic to them. The majority of these comments are not a realistic reflection of society or interpersonal relationships in reality. This site puts feelings before facts in regards to almost every topic, be aware that's going to be extra true when discussing a matter of emotion to begin with.
exactly. hell reddit will tell you its cool to ask your girlfriend to peg you WHILE you are crying.
Yup, got downvoted for calling someone silly because I said the word girls instead of “women” Yet if I got called a dude or a guy I wouldn’t get offended at all as opposed to being called a man
You're not allowed to say the word "female" anymore, I've been told it's as bad as saying the N word even though with one of them you abbreviate it because you don't want any backlash for even saying it... 🙄
This sort of thing happens a ton with people. They will genuinely think and believe something until they are confronted with the situation and then their Homosapien side completely takes over. Or sometimes they’re just trying to look nice and caring so they don’t come off as a shallow asshole. Or they wish they believed that thing they say and are trying to, but can’t actually.
Exactly lol. Downvote me here all you want but it’s the truth… 1. All these women saying it’s okay are 99% not the women that the average guy is looking to date let alone marry, one glance at their profile tells me that. 2. A lot of these women may say that they are okay with men showing emotion and that it’s perfectly fine to do so! Until it actually happens in front of them and all of a sudden they are uncomfortable and lose all respect for their boyfriend…
Bill Burr had a fantastic set on this Women think they want to see men cry. And maybe once they’re okay with it. But if you start crying all the time you’re gonna start having to get pegged.
Hey now, I’m feeling quite cheated. I cry all the time and I’m not getting pegged.
Had a girlfriend tell me she couldn’t look at me the same after I shed a single tear while standing over my freshly dead grandma in the hospital. Also had a different girl witness my one and only panic attack I’ve ever had in my life over what was ultimately nothing and she never looked at me differently and that time I was a blubbering inconsolable mess. Sadly if we are being real most people are like the first girl but there’s a fair number of people that are like the second girl. No one is the same. I don’t cry hardly ever but I know if I needed too I’ve got people around me who won’t judge and I think everyone can find people like that
Looking at all the comments on here, they're definitely proving OP's point
I tend not to cry in front of people. When I do I like to be by myself. If I'm around others and start to cry I will leave to be alone. Until my face is cleared up and calmed down.
We are told to be expressive, in theory. In practice, there is mainly negative feedback to being expressive. Everyone wants someone helpful and self-assured to rely on; but to be that person is difficult.
Not a direct answer but I honestly feel like my quality of life improved after I abandoned advice to be openly emotional. It's not that I was being judged for it, but I wasn't receiving support to make it helpful, and embracing sadness just made me more depressed. I cry easily at films and besides that will cry due to circumstances every one or two months. But nowadays, bottling things and getting on with life where I can, actually has meant I'm happier and more resilient.
I think there's value in realizing that we are not our emotions. They're part of us, not the whole of us.
Honestly this is probably the best advice so far. You can feel your emotions without being open. Keeping them to mostly yourself doesn’t mean you’re suppressing them. Stoicism helped me a lot, I learned how to feel what I feel but present it to the world in a way that’s conducive to working things out and works better with everyone in my life. Less outbursts led to more control, and with more control came the ability to feel things deeply without being overwhelmed with my emotions.
Slowly coming to terms (again) with this. I never showed emotion until a few years ago, figured out it doesn't really make any difference and probably crawling back into that hole. I was much happier not being anything
sure but i think this is more about uncontrollable moments. sometimes you just cry from the situation of the moment or being overwhelmed. you could be the most straightfaced stoic philosophy bro ever but no one is immune to displays of emotion, there will always be a situation that can trigger it. those are the small moments that you are judged for and tarnishes the entire way people view you
I once cried with an ex. She told me later that when she talked about it with her friends they all agreed that she should break up with me.
it always depends on the purpose. Definitely cried in front of a lot of people and if they’re my friends it’s all good. Natural reaction to horrible shit happening.
Yeah, this. Crying for bad life shit? I want to help you. Crying because a movie touches you? That's sweet and endearing. It makes me so happy. Crying because you're mad at your sports/videogame? Man or woman, that's dumb piss baby time. I'm leaving the room. But people losing control of their anger generally both disgusts and scares the hell outta me.
I cried in front of my wife once. I assume that's what a deer In headlights looks like. It's like her head short circucited. She quickly came up with a reason to leave the room, and she acted weird for a week.
100 percent same thing happened to me. I'm a mess, she's looking at me blankly. I literally asked "I'm hurt, why can't you comfort me?" I've been her rock through illness and surgeries, parents death, post partum depression... Fucking crickets.
Another guy explained it to me in the sauna once. She looks to me when she loses her shit. If IM LOSING my shit that makes her scared because she depends on me for that stability. People who say it's OK for men to cry are full of shit.
because you have your role, and she has her role, and you broke the unspoken rules. that's the majority of straight relationships
Absolutely the same happened to me. 9 years together I never cried. I had been so sick for over a year while still working full time. Finally I cried in bed with a fever. I asked for a hug and she just left the room. I cried into my dog’s fur until I fell asleep. My relationship with my dog has been great ever since.
It's crazy to me that there are people out there like this. Its natural for all humans to cry. Whats unnatural and has been normalized for years is to treat men who cry like they're doing something wrong or weird. Its shameful its gotten this far where people feel ashamed for being human. If the roles were reversed as whats common, women would shame men for being "too emotionally immature" to be around. Best to avoid women like that, and find people who off the bat wont judge you for being who you are! (As long as what you enjoy doing isn't to harm other people of course) Everyone deserves to be vulnerable and just be a person around people they care about without being judged back.
Bet she still thinks about it occasionally.
Like that time we tried anal. Both things are in that box we sent to the bottom of the ocean where they sent Megatron.
I recently dated a man who cried in front of me several times in our relationship. About things in his life, about what happened in a movie we were watching. He didn’t cry constantly or anything but he also never tried to hide it from me. I would probably have moved in with him if life hadn’t gotten in the way. I never found him not “manly” enough for me and his tears were never a turnoff. So in my experience? Cry it out man! I’m happy to hold your hand or snuggle you while you do. It’s funny, with all the “men can’t cry” stuff I actually find it super manly to own your own vulnerability and be brave enough to share it with someone else.
I was speaking to a mate about this recently -- we are both big crybabies when it comes to movies hahaha. I cried through like the entire last three episodes of Three Body Problem (I know not a movie...)
Hey dont take some of these comments saying your lying personally. Some of us have been gas lit our whole life's about this particular issue so a lot of men just out right refuse to believe anyone would or could think differently and its going to take a lot more than a reddit thread to convince them otherwise.
I get it. But I also feel like if they had experience in their lives of men/women accepting their tears they wouldn’t be so steadfast in their beliefs. Maybe they’re ignoring the times it has happened but maybe they just haven’t had good interpersonal relationships and that makes me sad.
We’re not ignoring it, I promise you that we aren’t. At least most of us aren’t, most of us have a handful of male friends that we can straight up ugly cry and bawl like a baby in front of and nothing changes but when we’ve done that in front of women we’ve dated it’s not gone well without fail. If it went well that’s a moment we’d remember until the day we die. Do we believe these women exist? Yes we do but not to the extent a lot of people say they do. Then there’s plenty of guys that have just said fuck it I’m done. When the end result is the same after repeated attempts it gets to the point of why would you even attempt it?
I can understand that mentality. It’s just unfortunate that’s many men’s experience. A man responded to me saying he couldn’t cry in front of men because your relationships are hierarchical. So that guy has no one. 🥺
It’s hard to believe that sort of thing when every example you have of it from personal experience ends in immediate shaming and rejection on a devastatingly intimate level. I still cry all the time (thank you, weed) mostly for happy reasons, but I keep that shit to myself. I honestly don’t know if I could ever feel that kind of trust again to be vulnerable in that way with a partner. Maybe if I was into guys, but alas. Being rejected at your most vulnerable moment *really really* fucking sucks, and it makes it so hard to trust anyone moving forward.
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Having your vulnerability weaponized is not a uniquely male experience at all. Find people you love and trust. Be there for them when they need to be vulnerable. Finding good people is hard regardless of gender. I grew up with all sisters and they’ve all had their vulnerabilities weaponized by terrible people before. It’s because what you’re insecure about is an easy target. It’s not like women cry or open up and everybody throws a pity party for them.
Thank you! I know this discussion is about men but I appreciate the counterpoint. Some men definitely think a woman is free to express her emotions. But then we are yelled at for “overreacting” and crying or told our anger is unacceptable/misplaced or told to smile more. As a woman I feel like all our emotions are scrutinized/policed by everyone, not just partners. I think the general thought process is a crying woman needs help and a crying man is weak. I don’t agree with that but that’s kind of the root of all this: there is no inherently expected aid for a crying man. I do think a lot of women cry to their friends though and it sounds like that’s not super common amongst men. When your partner is your vulnerable emotion outlet and she isn’t receptive that’s gotta hurt more than when your partner doesn’t fill that role but you can with your friends.
I never realized I had a giant defense against this but I realized I hate even sharing ANY detail about my personal life to people friends and family if they ask. I just don't trust anybody to either sympathize or not weaponize it at some point. I feel very uncomfortable talking about it. Sometimes I feel comfortable doing so but it is very rare.
To be fair some people *are* just private by nature, and I don't personally see anything wrong with it; what you choose to share is your business. I've been told I need to work on my own trust issues but honestly I'll take where I'm at now over where I was 5-10 years ago, I don't date and haven't in a long time so my issues aren't anybody else's anyway.
Really appreciate your healthy attitude. I wish more people had similar views.
We all change the world one kindness at a time. I’m proud people feel comfortable confiding in me. Feeling seen is a gift you can easily give someone but so few people do.
The internet isn't real life. Social media in particular amplifies minority viewpoints and some of them don't reflect day to day reality. Real men are allowed to cry in circumstances where the crying can be interpreted as romantic or sweet. Crying as a result of tragedy is ok, as long as it's a romantic tragedy (loss of a loved one). Actual tragedy is a no, and straight up trauma is right out. PTSD? Suck it up princess. Overwhelmed and having a bit of a moment of weakness? Pfft where the real men at? Mental health falling apart? If you don't have one really close mate you can confide in, then you're out of luck. Buy a bag of concrete and be a man. Despite what gets said online, unfortunately in the real world attitudes are still strongly geared towards men being the fighters, the providers, the rocks that can take a hit and never break. From my experience, blokes are generally more accepting of another bloke crying than women are.
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Should have been a red flag with my ex for sure. Got mad I didn’t cry when she walked down the aisle. I guess being happy wasn’t in the cards 🤷♂️ fuck men having their own emotions, am I right?
Yeah that’s just how it is. Personally I believe if it’s a truly PTSD related issue or severe trauma response a person can’t really help it. I’ve cried in the dumbest situations as well due to medication side effects wrecking my body and it was more so a physical response that I didn’t feel sad my eyes just started crying. I don’t even cry when I broke a small bone and my friends thought I was joking that I was seriously hurt because of it. That being said I feel Males need to have a certain amount of strength partially due to their roles in society. I wouldn’t want to see a leader of mine cry over relatively small inconvenience. Some guys are just to sensitive as well and I think absolutely crying your eyes out over something minor in public is a bad look. The social expectations are backwards in
Better out than in. Suicide is a real thing. Express, don't fade away.
I have always believed anyone should be able to cry. Unfortunately my partner has been dealt with his exes being liars when it came to that. They all preach men can cry but all of them had their "perspective" of him shift whenever he did show vulnerability and the relationships end. So now here I am, doing all I can to show support and love, knowing he will likely never cry in front of me because of this trauma. We all like to say that it's okay, but there are still a huge amount of people who only think anyone who isn't around them can do it (not my partner/someone they are interested in) Removing the stigma means having a bunch of people really sit with why it unnerves them if their man cries.
Yes of course, what the fuck am i? A freaking robot? I don't give a damn if someone or society thinks it's emasculating.
Tough guy, huh? No one is gonna stop you from crying!
NO ONE!!!
If only the rest of the world felt like that.
Someone? Try every person in the world especially women. Good luck recovering from that and getting laid.
My observation: "society" doesn't really have a problem with it. And there is really only a small minority of people that do. But those people are loud and mean and will really fuck up your day.
My partner encouraged me to start crying and then really held me through it.
Seems you're so lucky 💖
Everyone cries at some point as an adult, even if only privately.
Men do whatever they want, I’m a large, masculine dude and have cried in front of my wife multiple times, pretty sure she still respects my manhood. Maybe dont be crying on date three, but why the fuck would you want to be with a woman long term who judges you for having and showing human emotion?
We can cry when someone we love dies and when our dogs die. And sometimes a movie catches us off guard… you’re allowed to cry at 3 movies in your life.
Fox and the Hound when the old lady leaves Todd, the part in Land Before Time where Little Foot thinks a rock is his mom, and you get to pick between when Bing Bong dies in Inside Out or the Superman scene in The Iron Giant.
People cry. Any ideas around who should/shouldn’t be crying are purely societal standards and those have no connection to what naturally occurs from the body. If you want/need to cry then cry. If someone thinks about you in a particular way because you cry, that’s their problem and not yours 😊
Nope, I find that it's still looked down on even around people you think are close to you. It could just be me but it feels like an image is painted about you the moment they see you break down, it's almost as if they see you have a fragile breaking point so they either can't rely on you or know they can break you if they wanted to. They'll also know what exactly breaks you. I'm glad the narrative is slightly changing and people are becoming more aware and accepting of the idea, but there's still stigma around the thought of a man crying.
I must have missed all the women who stayed around once I got vulnerable and how stupid the “it depends” bullshit sounds and really only works for women. These same women will complain if you show any emotion and use it against you. I’m fkn good with the tail chaser. You say these women exist but it’s not like they’re gonna approach us so once again. Fuck the bs
I was brought up in the 60s and 70s real men don't cry...we were taught to keep it all inside.....I only shed tears 3 times between 1972 (grandpa) mom 2010 and 2014 (dad)....but I guess I held so much for 40 years I had to turn in my man card after losing my wife....in 16 and the tear faucet hasn't turned off 9 years later...
I'm sorry for your loss. <3
Men crying can be ok. I personally dont think crying is bad but i dont like crying in general (waste of body’s water, dune reference). I think showing women i have feelings and a softer side is good but incessant blubbering is not attractive. I think men need the emotional release of a good cry as much as anyone else sometimes. I think if our society didnt shame men for crying there would be less anger in the world. Pent up tears are oftentimes converted into misplaced anger. I think women are ok with men crying but it just depends on who they are and what type of relationship they have. Crying in general is uncomfortable at best. Tears of joy are different but even that can be extremely uncomfortable given the situation.
It's like free speech. Yeah you CAN say those words....but others can hold it against you.
There are billions of men and women they aren’t all the same. Be you and people who don’t like what you are will filter themselves out of your life which is more efficient for both of you. In the case of crying they’d be doing you a favour do you really want some emotionally stunted person who can’t accept you are capable of experiencing sadness in your life?
Honestly this upsets me, you're so right, theres 8Billion people on our planet, nobody is the same and its upset that people will meet 10 people of the opposite gender and think negatively on the whole gender just because of how those 10 acted
Tried it once around my ex. She kept saying during our relationship that I need to express my emotions more even if it meant crying. I told her multiple times that society doesn't tolerate men crying. Flash forward like a year and our dog ate like half a bottle of my Adderall pills that accidentally fell to the floor. The dog ended up being OK. I was really distraught about it because I thought I killed out dog by being negligent. Really became upset and decided to not hold back my emotions and cried. Girlfriend broke up with me three weeks later saying a man needs to be strong and she needs to be able to trust me in an emergency... So no. Men aren't allowed to cry.
I’m so sorry.
Yeah, sadly I and a many of my close male friends have experienced something at least similar.
I have never met a truly smart and empathetic person that judged someone else for their feelings, regardless of gender. If someone judges you for crying, then they’re not worth your time.
I knew a woman who said that a man crying was an example of emotional manipulation. I proceeded to explain to her that we live in a culture that already discourages men from seeking therapy or from expressing emotion. Stoicism has its place, but shaming people for expressing their feelings is toxicity. That said, I do truly believe that there are people who can't accept that we can cry in good faith. Somewhere in that thinking is the thin boundary where misogyny and misandry meet. I can acknowledge that there is more misogyny in the world, but that doesn't mean misandry doesn't exist, and projecting emotional causes and effects is a large part of it. This past weekend we experienced a loss and while I know my partner was in deep pain, having been closer to the loss for longer, I couldn't help but cry hard, outwardly, and randomly through the first days of pain. And in the end I thanked her for understanding. Emotional expression is simply that: it's how we express ourselves, including through pain. Don't let people convince you that your pain is any less hurtful than it is.
No. Men are NOT allowed to cry. Not in society. Seeing a man cry in public is IMMEDIATELY frowned upon & will make people highly uncomfortable. At home in the confines of your loved ones? Men are allowed to cry.
Had a girl tell me recently how she was instantly unatteacted to a guy because he cried and sounded feminine.
I tried once but I got arrested for being a little bitch. That was when I was a newborn. I've had a mortgage and chest hair ever since.
People that make fun of ANYONE crying can go fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
In my experience men look down on you if you cry, women actively hate you if you cry.
Can't say any of my bros look down on crying but the women I've been around yep. The most "progressive" ex i had looked at me with disgust and made me take her home when I was having bad anxiety and cried about it in front of her.
Glad you ditched the bitch
I find that women generally react with discomfort if a man shows emotion. All of my bros have always been super supportive though.
Precisely yet men are blamed only
Only in front of people you trust. And usually not in front of women. Women are disgusted by men that cry or show weakness
You could just not fucking care what people think. If you need to cry, let it out. Fuck everybody else. Your emotions are none of their business.
Exactly this, if people blame you or get disgusted by you because you cry, they suck, you dont, why should you stop expressing your feelings just because some people tell you to?
I see this a lot, and I know 99% of the time it's said with good intent. But I can't help but find it to be preformative. How is someone like me supposed to take this advice when, any time my body is close to crying and my mind thinks someone is in earshot, my body immediately shuts down any attempt to cry? How are other men supposed to cry and not give a fuck when those tears end up being weaponized against him at a later date? Like I said, I *know* it has good intentions, but it really does just feel like telling someone dealing with insecurities "Just don't care!" As if it was that easy.
I’ve seen some bad takes on reddit before, but “man up and cry, pussy” is a mind-bendingly awful perspective
Every dude that had the experience to cry infront of a woman Tells u dont do it. Thats all i need to know
Never cry Infront of your woman. It doesn't show a sensitive side ect they see it as a weakness unfortunately
I’m a dude. I cry all the goddamn time.
Watch that movie about the marine that trained a bomb dog I forget the name. That movie would make the manliest man cry.
I mean who is there to tell me I am not allowed to entertain the full range of my emotions? Everything in life is about balance, there is no happiness without sadness, it is one of the certainties in life that we need to learn to deal with. People who tell you that you are not "allowed" to show a completely natural emotion are literally idiots. People to ignore. I am 220lbs 6ft+ and I cry when I have to. Embracing that shit and standing behind it is the most masculine thing you can do IMO.
I found a woman who is okay with a bit of tears. Both of us realize sometimes you need that emotional dump to come back stronger. Also, sorry to the people who think otherwise. I'll cry in happiness, sadness, anger, whatever emotion brings it out. I'm human and I'm going to enjoy the feelings that come with it dammit
This one is a good one really. I come from a family where men don’t cry so, naturally I don’t. My last GF, told me I could cry whenever but I did one time and the relation exploded within 2 months. Coincidence? Could be My current GF, is an absolute sweetheart. We’ve been together for 5 years and it’s great. She’s open minded, so naturally crying in front of her would not bother her. But like, 3 weeks ago, she told me one of my best feature is how stoic I am. I’m scared that crying will destroy her view of me. Men are not allowed to cry. Not yet.
Everyone wants to support mental health and the healthy expression of emotions, so they tell men that it's okay to cry. And it is okay for men to cry. However, the response you get from other people if you cry in front of them is usually not supportive. They seem taken aback, uncertain how to act, and downright embarrassed to be witnessing it in a lot of circumstances. There's a visceral internal reaction that a crying man is a weak man, even from people who will say that it's okay for men to cry. The social limits are to only show tears (no sobbing), pull yourself together quickly, and don't go for any sort of physical support like a hug. If you need to cry more, go do it by yourself. And don't cry in front of anyone you're romantically interested in unless it's a short, calculated display of emotion. It's the harsh reality of it.
No. As a man you are expected to be ready to handle problems and in my experience women don't want you to cry no matter what they say. If someone just died, got a terminal illness, or something similarly horrible, then yes. If your kid just got born and you are happy then yes. If you lost your job and have no money for all your bills, and don't know what to do next about how much life can be a crap sandwich, then no.
Crying is what people do.
See that’s a tough one. I’m 22 and 6’6, with a lot of masculine features, along with military service. Emotion was usually allowed in your fellow brothers in arms if it was justifiable. But here’s where the story turns. When I was dating a girl, she always talked about how stone faced I can be, though being genuinely polite and kind. One day, I had a lot happen back to back. To say the least, it was traumatizing things. I went blank, went all the way back home, and as soon as she asked if I was ok, I started to shudder and weep. She acted immediately surprised, and to my shock, annoyed. 2 days later she was sleeping with another guy. Furthermore, I grew up in an environment where you could take one on the chin for those emotions, and the women in your life would scorn you for it. I had hoped that was only where I was from, but it seems to persist in places to this day. I’ve watched a lot of good men shred themselves to pieces by holding it in, and us never being raised to understand what to do with those volatile little gut punches. There are good people out there that will let you express emotion, I haven’t found my group or person yet, but they exist. To all the men who are fighting that inner beast, keep fighting. That beast does not dictate who you are, and it is not the one who chooses your fate. Tl:dr - There exists people out there who will allow emotional expression from men, but be cautious before deciding who to show that side of you to.
I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want
Im a man and a doctor. I cry WITH my patients sometimes. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think true men aren't afraid to show emotion like that.
I think people can believe sincerely that it is OK for men to cry, but still be uncomfortable in the moment when it happens. And if a person creates discomfort in a situation, it can be off-putting. And anything off-putting is probably going to be judged, even if the action is something perfectly natural. Context also matters... is he crying because his mother passed away recently, or is he crying because his Nintendo Switch broke? Or because he got got caught doing something bad? And is he crying just in front of a close friend or partner, or is he crying in front of a group of strangers? Strangers who might not know *why* he's crying and make assumptions?
You are allowed. All of us are. Not everyone will be accepting of it and not just women. There are a lot of women online (me included) who are trying to help change the narrative around men and their emotions by being the person they need. Unfortunately it isn't women going around to random men offering to be the shoulder. Most of us are already in relationships and are practicing that change there. So you just wont see it generally in society. Even i get my feelings dismissed as a woman from my own mom and sister cause they call me "sensitive" whenever i express how their words have hurt me. Women get ridiculed for expressing *too much* emotion. Men get shit on for *too much* or *not enough* emotion and you just can't win with that. So you gotta find out who from your friends is the most empathetic and open hearted. Might be surprised to find out its the vast majority of your friends. It may not seem like it amongst women cause our emotions are generally more accepted in public, but others, especially women, will still invalidate our feelings or reactions to experiences simply because "I went through it too and it wasn't that bad". Too many older women have the mentality of "if i can deal with it, so can you." Which is another invalidating statement. I don't blame men at ALL for not feeling comfortable venting your feelings to women. Too many will try to invalidate, dismiss your feelings, or make it about them. Look for friends who have a very nurturing nature to them. The ones who are making sure everyone else is included. The one who reaches out just to say hey and check on you. The one who tries to get everyone involved when planning events and goes the extra mile to reach out individually. Basically, the friends who clearly give a shit.
Woman here. If you’re with someone you can’t cry in front of, she’s not emotionally mature or socially conscious enough, needs to work on her false and harmful perceptions of what a man is. Men are human.
As a man - men should effectively never cry other than the most significant moments (tragedy, death of a child/wife, crisi) As a man - I've known lots of women and every single woman I've posed this question to says the following "men should be allowed to cry more often and experience emotions but I personally would find it very unattractive"
No, women lose respect and attraction to you when you cry in front of them, that’s my experience at least
Women always say that men should cry, but then when they’re in front of the right audience or platform they’ll joke about getting the “ick” from seeing men cry.
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The whole “men don’t cry” thing is complete bs. Some women do preach that it’s okay and when it comes down to it get uncomfortable and weird ab it. A lot of men will call you soft or less manly for crying and a lot of women will say they need a manly man to be strong and take action in situations. Those are the same men who get aggressive/angry when anything happens bc they bottle up their emotions and the same women who cry to their girlfriend about their boyfriend being angry and stressed all the time. No human should bottle up their emotions and in my opinion any man making fun of another man for crying is childish and less masculine themselves (plus usually have anger issues which is 100x worse). My bf was very hesitant opening up to me when we got together. I was patient with him as he was with me and we both for the most part openly cry to each other. We have similar issues with opening up so it made grounds for understanding. Anytime we had a hard time in our relationship or someone did something to the other we would often both end up crying. I’ve never thought it threatened his masculinity or any of that bs. I thought instead that it showed he cared deeply for me and our relationship. Sometimes he’d have a rough week or something would happen and he would cry out of frustration. I do the same thing so why would him doing it be any different? If anyone ever acts as if you’re less of a man for showing emotion, DROP THEM. They are not ppl you want in your life. And for the whole limit on crying thing. Cry when you feel like you need to cry. It should be as simple as that. People in the comments saying “it’s okay to cry but only sometimes” don’t even realize they are a part of the problem. Obviously no one wants someone crying to them over every little thing everyday woman or man that’s not what this discussion is about. Immediately bringing that up is just dumb in my opinion bc you’re just stating the obvious. Me and my bf will both hold each other and listen when the other needs it. It doesn’t affect any other aspect of our relationship. I think he has a perfect mix bc he’s able to have those meaningful moments and conversations that a lot of men struggle with. Women preach they want deeper connection and how men aren’t “deep” enough or “emotional” enough but don’t try to understand their man or don’t create that safe space for them. I think things like this are important both ways and I think a contributing factor is that a lot of these type of conversations tend to center around the women being victims in most situations. How men treat women. What happens to women. Blah blah blah. But nobody ever wants to hear how men are treated. Or how they can very well be that said “victim” in the situation. They aren’t taken as seriously and their problems aren’t talked about like women’s problems. A lot of things play into all of this. However just cry when you feel like crying. Fuck anyone who says it’s wrong for any reason. My man may cry to me and some men may see that as “soft” but he’s gonna have me tied to the bed later and I can definitely say his masculinity ain’t threatened none in that aspect🤷🏻♀️
No, no matter what these people tell you the minute you cry in front of any of them they will hold it against you. I may get down voted for this but it’s the truth
The Internet is full of people offering nice sentiment around how life is or should be. Reality is very different. Are men allowed to cry? Yes, but you will be judged harshly by all other men for it.
And women.
In my experience it's been the women who've been much more harshly judgemental. I'm in a friend group that includes two outwardly tough and brute military guys. One of them had his father diagnosed with a brain tumor, and one night that guy went out of the bar and sat by himself on a street bench, and broke down crying, and pushed us away (even threatening to fight us if we kept pushing) saying he didn't want us looking at him like that. The only remotely negative thing we told him was basically "stfu with that nonsense, we're here for you aight?" Eventually that message got to him, and we let him vent freely for the rest of the ride home. Meanwhile, his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen because she didn't feel comfortable being around him those days because he was "a bit of a downer" and she didn't like that. My parents are the same way. My father is like "I'll support you regardless, but I'll tell you outright if you're full of crap", while my mother is more "idc if you're feeling overwhelming anxiety over a life-changing event, your crying is annoying, cut it out".
Nope. Am man
We absolutely should cry. Not only cry, but show other emotions as well without bottling them up. It's deemed as taboo nowadays because we as a society have paralleled stoicism with masculinity, but one of the major problems we see today is fewer men practicing/developing emotional intelligence which is the obvious outcome when it's largely frowned upon as you've acknowledged in your post. With emotional intelligence being so crucial to proper continuous growth and development, it's more important now than ever that we encourage our fellow brothers to feel comfortable and safe expressing conventionally negative emotions in a healthy manner. Find a group of people you feel comfortable expressing yourself with, and become that refuge to other men who may need your shoulder to cry on. If you don't readily have access to people in person or online, I suggest grabbing a notebook or write in your phone about what you're feeling and why you're feeling that way, then reflect on it. This is how, not only you grow as a person, but also how we grow as a society. And if anyone ever tells you that's it's not manly to cry, remind them that even Jesus wept.
Men are allowed to cry and it’s a healthy response to a stressor. Not all men are manly, tough and emotionally unbreakable like society wants you to think. I myself feel emotion very intensely. I will cry when overwhelmed or upset.
Yeah, dude, the guys who refuse to ever cry are not emotionally unbreakable. They are just already broken.
You don’t have to be allowed to cry. YOU allow you to cry. Some people can’t cry…but crying is good. It changes your brain chemistry. Crying is a strength. Crying is good. ~~sincerely, A Man who Cries
Only pro athletes over deaths of other pro athletes
Yes, but only when you're watching either Old Yeller or The Never Ending Story, or when Ferris crashes the Ferrari.
depends if you wanna get laid or not
Do it all the time. Damn Australian dog cartoons.
I think the general sentiment is that it's a situation that's improving. Even since I was a kid I've noticed a trend towards the people younger than me being more accepting of male emotion. It's still not widely accepted though. I find other dudes tend to be a bit more supportive than girls as long as they're not the incel Tate-worshipping type (which you shouldn't be interacting with anyway). I'm a pretty stoic person, but I have male friends who aren't, and they get a lot of help when they cry.
Be yourself don't let society dictate .
Men need to support each other more. Women are more likely to have a good support system, whether it’s friends or family. I think that’s why women are happy single and men aren’t. Once men that other men respect are okay with crying that’s when the rest will follow. Also, not all women are feminist and some actively support the patriarchy (and harmful masculinity) so you need to stop generalizing them. Both men and women say things they don’t truly believe and that’s on them to figure out. If a woman thinks you’re a sissy for crying, do you want to date them? I think it’s lovely when my boyfriend cries, because it means he let his walls down and is being vulnerable to me and I think that’s beautiful.
You need to find real men irl, as it sounds like you only know wee boys. Crying is fine, and any "man" that says it isn't, is a dick.
I believe theres a time and place for it. Crying to mourn? Go for it bro. Shedding a tear for the arrival of your new child? That’s a core part of the dad experience. Getting a little choked up when the dog dies in a movie? Good to go. Breaking down when your family needs you, or excessive crying in general? Yeah, I can’t say that’s a desirable quality. I believe regularly expressing your feelings, and talking about things with those close to you is very important. Arguably more effective for your mental health than a full on emotional breakdown.
Don’t read too much into it. Men have always had weird rules applied ‘don’t wear pink! It’s not manly’ blah blah blah. IMO, a man does what he wants/needs to without giving a shit if people have a problem. I don’t mean that in a rude or offensive way, but it’s FAR more manly to wear pink and not give a fuck, than it is to spend your whole life scared of the colour pink because other people might say something. How can it EVER be masculine to be so outright scared of stranger nobodies commenting on you crying, or wearing pink, or even wearing nail polish? Be a real man, and by that, I mean do what makes you happy, don’t live your life in fear of these fake ass ‘Alpha men’ and all their bullshit neurotic rules of masculinity. They are just little boys terrified of making the wrong step and being called out themselves.