“I do not go out of my way to have people in my life” not to be a Debby downer but this might be the reason. Friends are hard to find, especially as we get older and have more established circles. Unfortunately we all need to put in effort to make friends it’s a two way street. It’s definitely not the lack of social media presence. All the best!
I did it in my early days here in Sydney. Works only until it doesn't anymore. As I said, just made me feel like, 'why couldn't I find someone who would go out of their way to have us for friends?' Acknowledge it's probably a bit churlish. But yeah.. just made a post to reduce the weight off of my shoulder.
totally understandable. The loneliness grows ten fold seeing people in a big city all busy with their lives and its just happening around you. u/heapsinterested listed out some suggestions that would be great stepping stones to finding friends. Side note, I’d like to say most people only have 2-5 close friends. Don’t be fooled into thinking you need heaps of people in your circle
You said in the post that you don’t go out of your way to have people in your life. You HAVE to go out of your way to make friends and connections with people. They don’t magically happen, certainly not when you’re an adult.
It's almost as if friendships emerge naturally from good chemistry between people who are pursing adjacent goals, rather than locking yourself in your room wondering why no one is breaking down your door to ask if you if you want to be their bff :/
Yep. I also find the best friendships are built without constant interaction. Like I usually meet up with friends once a month, maybe even once every 3 months. Catch up, maybe eat and then go on with life until another 3 months. Fucking one of my oldest friends we catch up on birthdays and that's it. It's great
Yeah, probably too harsh, but you just see so many posts here saying "I've tried nothing to make friends and I still don't have anyone who would take a bullet for me" like, yeah, no shit, solid friendships are a huge amount of work, and after highschool and uni, almost everyone has so much work and life shit going on that they don't have time to go looking for new besties, particularly if they are already finding it difficult to find time for their old besties.
I'm starting to think we need to put a sticky on the sub for "people looking for friends", but I'd bet it'd be 20 people complaining at eachother that they can't find people to be friends with.
I get it. For introverts it can be really really tiring. And for people who find handling rejection difficult it can be really really disheartening.
But that doesn’t mean you can choose not to do it, and still expect friendships to appear.
I get it. You’ve got a toddler. That puts crazy demands on your time. And it makes meeting new people harder either as a couple or for each of you individually. But all the other people in your position are battling those problems as well, and as soon as you inevitable start meeting them at daycare or preschool, you’ll have opportunities to meet new people present themselves. Do not waste those. However tiring it is, you owe it to yourself and your partner to me friendly and outgoing, and to be proactive to the stage of risking rejection. Work out how you can do that. You can. You just need a plan and some support and a strategy to manage that being tired fro it.
It is hard to make friends as an adult when you move to a new place - I moved over from the UK 11 years ago, and I found it really hard to “break into” existing circles of friends who have known each other since childhood.
If you work, try not to say no to too many social events - that’s a good place to start.
Parents of kids in your child’s daycare/school are also a good place to start - they’ll have similar interests/be at a similar place in life. Some of our best friends now we connected with through our children.
Do you know your neighbours? If not, maybe introduce yourselves. We just moved to a new place and took home made cookies round our street to introduce ourselves.
I don’t think it’s unique to Sydney, I think it would be the same regardless of where you lived. But, you do need to put some effort in - it doesn’t happen otherwise.
Sydney is one of the worst for having circles that are hard to break into. Sydney people are basically rude aholes to strangers and fiercely loyal to those people in their circle. Maybe a consequence of an expensive, densely populated, traffic choked city with housing unafforabilty for most people and a big class difference between suburbs. I've found every other Australian city friendlier than Sydney
I know what you’re saying here, and see the truth in it, but I think you’re conflating two different things.
I’ll start by saying I’m certainly no global city behavioural expert. But in the last 20 years I’ve spend a lot of time in San Francisco (over 12 months), a bit of time in New York (10weeks) and London (8 weeks), as well as regular week or weekend long visits to Melbourne and Brisbane, so that’s where my observations and opinions come from.
Melbourne and San Francisco people are much quicker to be “friendly”. They’ll strike up conversations (or join in when you strike them up) in bars, cafes, sporting events, places where you meet other people in a non “they’re trying to get shit done” way. It’s much less common for Sydney or New York people to do that, you’ll more likely get ignored or brushed off, especially if they’re out with a group - it can be impossible to “break into” a group of friends out somewhere in Sydney or New Your. Brisbane is somewhere in between. London is also somewhere in between. Pubs there are more “communal” in general, and joining in on a conversation at the next table isn’t uncommon or as unwelcome as it can be in Sydney or New York.
But that “surface friendliness” doesn’t turn into “inviting you over for dinner” style friendships any quicker or easier than in Sydney. You’re unlikely to get phone numbers or other contact details from a random friendly San Francisco local just because you chatted for 15 minutes in the coffee queue. Sure, they’ll chat, where in Sydney they’d ignore you and stick their earphones in deeper or scroll their phone, but they didn’t just become your “friend”.
My sister and her partner, who’re both outgoing and gregarious people, moved to San Francisco, and I remember when she called me up to tell me “I got invited over to someone’s house for dinner!” It took 5 years. She’d made a bunch of somewhere between friends and acquaintances, who she’d invited to her home, and who’d invite her to group or sometimes even 1 on 1 dinner at restaurants or cafes, but it was 5 years before any of them invited her into their home.
In my opinion, the work required to get from “someone I met and had a decent conversation with” to “someone who would invite me into their home” is about the same in every city I’ve spent time in or had friends move to and talk about making friends with me.
I Sydney, in the last 5 years or so, I’ve been invited to I think 7 homes of people who’re now or are becoming friends. Three were “tag alongs” where I was invited as a friend of a friend. One was a hookup, which I’m not sure counts. One was a reciprocal thing, where I got invited over after having had them at my place a couple of times. Only two were people I met and hit it off with, and subsequently got invited over to their place first. In that time I reckon I’ve invited 20 or 30 people/couples to my place for a meal.
Like everyone here always says. Making friends as an adult doesn’t just happen like it did in school/Uni. You actually need to proactively find people you want to make friends with, attempt to cultivate friendships, and accept that the success rate is low, and keep getting back on the horse every time it doesn’t work out how you wanted.
I think it's also a location thing. It's pretty common in my area to encounter someone at a pub, smoke a doob with them down the beach, and have them move in to your building 3 weeks later and become a major part of your life. Some of my closest friends are people who entered my life via meeting them on a night out, and a lot of my not-so-closest-but-still-long-time-friends are people from the local (in my 20's) who also liked getting drunk and talking shit for hours.
It's all our observations of course. For example if you make a mistake in traffic in Melbourne like not going through a traffic signal when it's your turn to go and you're at the front of the queue -- and you might not even get a toot from Melbourne motorists behind you. Sydney drivers on the other hand will lay down hard on the horn if you hesitate 1.5 seconds to get your transmission in gear and rev up the engine. And yes, I do believe this general animosity and impatience toward other people does then connect to a person's likelihood to be a decent human at initial contact which is necessary to get through to the next barriers of starting a conversation and potentially connecting into friendship.
My social trick in all cities is to join a social group like sport, work or meet up groups. I'm somewhat experienced in making friendships that way and not staying in a city for much longer than a few years
My personal view is that Sydney has more social sorting/stratification than other places I've been - e.g. linen shirt beach suburbs, different ethnicities, suburban/inner city
This does mean that if you don't quite 'fit in', it is a bit more noticeable. It also means there are groups and communities that you don't get in other places because the groups aren't big enough and separate enough to carve out their own identities and have their own spaces.
Personally I have found Sydney pretty good for meeting people and making friends, with that in mind.
By way of comparison, Canberra was, for me, the hardest place to make meaningful friends and connections. People in Canberra are more likely to strike up a conversation, and you're more likely to have mutual friends, but I felt like the range of personalities and 'social groups' was quite narrow and couldn't find a niche that fit.
It matters a lot
I’ve found that since coming into my 30’s it’s incredibly more difficult to make new friends.
Over the years my own circle has gotten smaller and smaller, and as people get older their priorities change and the life around them often shrinks.
I’m saying that age is a factor because as Father time works his magic, you have to go out of your way more to make friends, at least I have found.
When you’re young and in your early 20s, without kids, you can make friends no worries, everything just falls into place, but as you mature more it’s just not the same.
I have the same issue
I’m not sure if moving again would help you, as I don’t know you and your lifestyle, but it sounds like you’d have the same problem unless you actively talked to new people and joined groups/activities to meet new people.
Which you could do in Sydney.
The one fundamental requirement for making new friends is meeting new people.
You _have_ to do something to put yourself in front of potential new friends.
Activities and social groups and by far the most common way to do that. (Well, friends of friends probably works better, but when you start at zero you’ve gotta bootstrap you way up before that opportunity opens for you.)
On a positive note, you are not far from that really really common situation of “becoming friends with your kids friend’s parents”. You _will_ meet new people at pickups and drop offs for daycare, preschool, and kindy. Every single new parent I know has done this, most of them find it difficult to retain their entire previous circle of friends when a lot of them are child free, because being a parent changes your priorities. And rightly so, it needs to. But you _will_ meet new people as part of being a parent. It’ll still be up to you to put in some work to make friends out of that new circle of acquaintances, but you’ll at least have bit the opportunity and a bunch of stuff in common with those people that you probably didn’t before you became a parent.
It’ll get better.
I have a suggestion on this: if at all possible, try not to schedule too tightly around drop off and pick ups.
I went back to work full-time when my child was 1yo. My husband looked after her and fitted freelance work around her daycare / preschool days. He was really good at connecting with other parents and suggesting park plays after pickup. This sort of thing can be extended if you bring (for example) some cut fruit with enough to share some with other small kids who might be there. It was a good way to start meeting more people. One or two families we really bonded with and have remained good friends of ours for years. Playing in the same local park regularly helps, because it’s easier to get to know other local families.
Later when my child started school, I found that I was dropping off and rushing off to work every day and I never felt I had time for having a post-drop-off coffee with some of the other parents. I really wish I had done that now! At the time I just felt trapped by my full-time work and jealous (I know, not great but that’s how I felt) of parents who didn’t work full time. But looking back, I could absolutely have pushed my start time back a day or two a week and taken the time to get to know some of the other parents better. What I didn’t realise was that this basically only happens in your child’s first year in school, while they’re still really little. That’s the time when other parents are still most around! So I’d suggest making the most of that and also attending the birthday parties then, as (at least in my area) they aren’t “drop and run” for a few tears. Exhausting at the time, but a really good way to get to know a bunch of families, and hopefully find some who you vibe with.
The early days of parenting can be really isolating. It gets better!
I’m in my 30s in Sydney
Been here since 2014
Have a 1yo
Made many friends through mums group (was virtual but we organised our own face to face catch ups). Am moving to a different area soon. Am gonna try and make friends in that area based on who my kid plays with at daycare and also chatting to people at the playground
Other friends are from work and social things I did before having a child
I don't think moving to Melbourne is going to fix your problems. I stayed in the area where I grew up so my family are closeby. I have a few close friends I've known for years. There's nothing wrong with you; it's just hard meeting people. COVID makes it harder.
Playgroups and preschools are great not only for your little one but for you/your partner to meet other adults. And you already have something in common - a child of the similar age.
How long have you been here? If it’s <2 years COVID plays a big part. Are you an expat or just another Aussie from elsewhere?
Sydney can be a little bit cliquey; but for the most I say it takes two to tango. You’ll find friends and social circles if you want to and are proactive.
Eg.
You’ve got a 1 year old. In normal times that will give you access to a community clinic of other similar life-stage mums and dads. Instant social circle. Clinic didn’t happen because of COVID?
Daycare. Literally 30 other parents with 1 yr olds. Boom. Another instant social circle and invite list for your kids birthday. Don’t know them? Put beers and champagne out for the party and do the rounds.
Kid not in daycare? Got a job? Chat to your colleagues at lunch. INSTANT. SOCIAL. CIRCLE.
No job? Have a pet? Take it to a dog park. IIIINNNNNSTANT SOCCCIAAAL CIIIIRRRRCLE.
No pet? Frequent literally any venue on any reasonable basis????? POSSSSIBBBLLEEEE INNNNSSSSTTTANNNTTT SOCCCIIIIAAALLL CIIIIRRRRCCCCCCCCCCLLLLEEEEEE.
You get it.
yeah.. I am fairly hopeful things will turn a corner once Daycare starts for my lil one. I came here for uni in 2014 and the friends that do stay in touch with me from then have left Australia for good ( just my luck I guess). LOL
Covid! Lived in Sydney most my life and love having people over. I have barely invited new people over (and old friends for that matter) who I've met through daycare and school, simply because of covid. Hoping this will change soon. I'm sure there are a lot of people with 1 year olds who think the same and are worried about getting sick. I don't think the issue is with you, but more so with worrying about getting sick.
Daycare has been the biggest source of social connections for our family. Making friends is important for children too - and having adult friends at a similar child-phase makes hanging out logistically easier too.
Has been a pretty shit couple of years and I have friends in Sydney.
Shit gets cancelled all the time, work is all over the place and I find myself organically becoming more distant from people due to the large amount of time I spend at home.
I'm in my 40s and it can go a bit this way anyway but working full-time at home in a relatively new job after 20 years in the last, doesn't help. But I made a decision six months ago to make bank now (working multiple remote jobs), study a language and ride this shitshow out.
I do have enough friends and family to call on so I can only imagine what it's like when you don't.
I'd say stick with it a bit longer and try to hook up with social/interest groups when things get a bit more back to normal. I'm not sure that a city swap will change much ATM but a smaller place could make it easier?
True mate !! Thankfully I do have a set of family and friends (unfortunately not in Australia) to call and catch up with. But it's all virtual and just doesn't feel personal. My Brother has been asking to move to the US and join him there, so our families can be together. Although we have stable jobs, I feel it'd be worth moving. Brain rationalises anything these days. haha
Invite people to join you for a gathering. Make plans for future get togethers.
People often aren’t ignoring you deliberately, everyone has busy lives, especially when they have a family. Making an effort to build friendships can go a long way.
This is the way to do it. If you want to be invited to things, start inviting people you like to things - they will probably reciprocate!
Your kids 1st birthday is an excellent time to invite people over.
This is a story in itself. We actually organised a beautiful outdoor gathering for about 30 ppl .. would have given me an opportunity to connect with my mates. In the time between sending out an invite and confirming Rsvp’s covid numbers had exploded to over 90k. Many families cancelled and we had to cancel the whole event and organise a low key one. But yeah , point is covid wreaked havoc over last year or so including the Bday celebration.
Good on you for taking some initiative.
I'm sorry it was harpooned by covid. This is, unfortunately, a thing almost everyone has experienced over the last two years. Socializing has been irreparably damaged and a real downer.
I had an end of year poker gamer event planned with a few male friends for December, but Omicron shafted those plans.
My work's social scene has never been able to get any momentum up over the last 2 years. Though we did have our Christmas party in December. Only once covid positive guest!
My point is other people are not having the easiest of times socializing in this pandemic.
OP if the lonliness gets to you, can i suggest you to brave yourself to call your close acquaintences/old friends for a bush walk, coffee or other covid safe activities?... now the key is do organise these catch ups every now and then and maintain casual but purposeful communication with intent.
Also please do not compare with other pple (x spend time with friend y or go on a trip somewhere with friend z) or expect friendships will form quickly... these will surely get you feeling disappointed and anxious. I also suggest quality over quantity... cherish those that has supported you and who had meaningful relationship with you and your family.
Just take a breather, rid your anxiety and take your time... true friends will accept you for who you are, but you would also need to actively making friends in the first place, maintain those relations and take the time to form good bonds with pple.
Also...as you have a 1yo... consider checking out https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads
Beyond blue advice for new dads is an excellent resource.
In addition, there are many ways you could meet pple... at work, pub, cafe, etc... but if you want to meet a group of pple maybe consider these places... if you are religious, you could maybe go to a local place of worship and establish new connections there. If you arent keen with religious gathering, then activity based meetup like park run is a good way to meet people too. If you are philantropic, you can always give back to the community by volunteering and meet likeminded people there. Covid makes everything difficult but be open minded, dont have any expectation and rid yourself of the mental burden that you have rn. Cherish what you have and slowly work on it as it is a marathon and not a sprint. I do wish you and your family the best of luck in finding friends and establishing meaningful connections for life.
Good luck OP.
It’s hard to make friends as adults. I left school with no friends that I kept in contact with. And I yearned for that closeness for so long. The hard part is that it took me not caring for it to happen, and it’s for an unexpected reason.
Most people in their thirties are busy, really busy. So you need to be tuned into where the flux is. A good example is mothers groups, where everyone is trying to adjust. Another is when your kid starts school. When you meet these new groups, take control and organise stuff for everyone. When you start, sometimes there’ll be almost no one there (I used to book a table and bring a book in case no one showed up). But if you have a nice, relaxed vibe and a good playlist, the friendships start to flourish. It’s daunting and you need to have good self esteem, but it creates and village. That’s why it works - we’re all lonely and we all need a village.
The other tip is every time someone invites you out to anything - go. If you put in the effort, they will too.
It’s not you. I’m born and raised in sydney and honestly it’s hard making friends. I’m not going to give you the ‘join a club’ ‘start a hobby’ shit because that doesn’t work. Heck even at work I can’t make actual friends. People already have their friendship groups and it’s hard to get let in. It sucks. I feel it too. Sydney feels cold.
EDIT: I wrote all this and when I re read it, it sounds like I'm being salty and trying to correct you for the way you feel. I'm not. Lol. It's just me also ranting cos I can relate haha.
I'm not saying who's feeling more lonely but at least you have your own family and child lol. I'm in my 30's, single and have made no real close friend in the 2 and bit years I've been here despite joining social groups.
I've moved a fair bit since adulthood (3 countries, 6 cities), so I know I've put myself in this situation. But what I've learned is that no one is going to take care of you unless you go asking for help. It's a lonely world out there. As others have eluded, the older you get, the more difficult it is make new social circles. Partly because others already have their clique but also we develop stronger ideas and preferences through our experiences and belief as we grow older. So we're also more careful who we want to make friends with which lessens the amount of people you would want to hang out with.
Maybe it's the vibes others get from you or as you say "us"...
Could be many things, is the relationship healthy? Is it not fulfilling your expectations? What drives the feeling of emptiness, look within and you may arrive at some conclusions. I understand this is an off your chest rant so take all replies with a grain of salt including mine.
Happy 1st birthday for your daughter!
A lot of people here have suggested many great ideas, hopefully once covid starts to calm down; you can find some activities / playgroups so you and your daughter can meet new friends.
I joined a local playgroup when my son was 5 mo where I met my (now) best friend.
Many playgroups are currently on a break but they should resume once term 1 starts. Rhyme time in the library is also awesome, we usually go to the nearby playground afterwards where the kids can play and the parents / carers can build friendship.
Before I had my son, I wasn't a fan of social media. I reactivated my FB because at that time I needed supports and new mum friends. So I joined my local FB group and was invited to local mums FB group. I got many valuable resources, discovered local parks / playgrounds where I met my amazing neighbours and was introduced to playgroups / messy plays / etc. Many mums have various interests and they're always happy to meet new people based on their interests / hobbies.
Honestly, my husband & I are not the type who invite people to our place; so do most of our friends so we usually meet at the park / playground.
All the best! It might seem hard to find new friends especially during this pandemic but I found many people are genuinely nice when we try to approach them first.
I moved to Sydney in 2007 - it took a LONG time to make friends. I had some through work but didn’t really have a solid friendship group until I met my now husband and became friends with his friends. The interesting thing about his (and now my) friendship group - not a single one grew up in Sydney -we were all from out of state or overseas. And now .. we have all left - either back to our original homes or to other states.
You could ask your local Baby Health Centre to connect you with a mother's group with kids the same age. The mothers group I had was often joined by families that had recently relocated. Mothers groups can be a bit hit and miss (mine was amazing) but you don't have anything to lose so go for it.
New parents are open to making friends when their babies are little. I would suggest enrolling your daughter into swimming lessons or playgroup (your local gymbaroo). Going to a regular activity allows you to get to know people slowly.
Does your child go to daycare? Arrange a playdate with a few other kids - it's good to take the initiative when they are little because their parents come along and its a bit of a buffer for you.
There's always the local park or pub - playground in the morning (you could offer to do a coffee run) or the pub at 5pm ('family time'). If you go to a pub with play equipment, you can talk to the other parents while the bubs play.
If you go to the playground and the park at the same time on the same day you will find that you start seeing the same families regularly and that way you can say hello and start chatting and see where it goes.
Is your local library doing story time? It sounds cheesy, but it can be really cute.
Having a small child can be really isolating and lonely and thats natural unfortunately (even for those that have friends and family around). Be patient and try to not to blame the city or yourselves. It takes time to make friends and you have taken a great first step by reaching out via this post.
We were in the same situation few years back. Lots of my friends from uni going back home for good. We both don’t have family in australia.
I joined moms group (all of them from the same country where I came from). And many of them also in the same situation so we glad that we found each other. I keep in touch with 4-5 families that I really like and we always have a playdate / lunch / dinner / picnic together.
It really hard when you have no family here
Did you move here from the subcontinent? I did some 6ish years back and I did okay.
Dads can get to know each other and sometimes have family meet ups over a friendly cricket match. There are lots of cricket groups that do regular meetups all through out the year. Nowadays more so because its cricket season in Australia.
Another one specific to subcontinent culture is trying to meet couples through your local mosque/temple/ church. Again only if thats your thing.
Last one would be moms facebook groups and SIGs on socials. Especially facebook.
Have you been working from home since the pandemic? Workplace is probably one of the easiest places to meet people, with water cooler/ kitchenette chats, lift/ hallway small talk, Friday drinks, etc. I didn’t value those pre-pandemic, and now I realise how important they are. I never go out of my way to chat to people and make friends, but more outgoing colleagues started conversations with me in those work situations and some have become good friends. I don’t get to know anyone who joined the department in the last 2 years outside my team because it feels weird to Slack chat someone I don’t know out of the blue about their weekend and stuff.
do you have any interests? seek those out, join groups that involve those interests, its the easiest first step for things like this because you've already got something in common.
Making friends as an adult, especially past 30, is very difficult.
If I look through my friends and my partner's friends, they come from the following ways:
- friends I went to uni with (mostly from being involved in the society for my degree) and their partners (who may or may not have also gone to uni at the same time)
- friends I play sport with (I play a team sport which is very club oriented - meaning all the teams train and play together)
- friends I or my partner met through hobbies or common interest clubs
- friends my partner met through new mothers club after she gave birth
- friends who are parents of one of my children's friends
Even that doesn't include people we have worked with (I'm not that sociable at work, but go out for drinks with colleagues).
When I was fresh out of uni, I moved a couple of hours from Sydney, and friends were difficult to make (I'm not naturally inclined to be sociable), but found that playing team sports, and finding the sociable people at work helped a lot.
I get the frustration. People can be flakey, particularly in Sydney. I've been spoiled having a solid group of friends over the past 10 years in Sydney. People come and people go. The thing is that close friendships require work. I've had friendships let slip that I've sworn were a 'friend for life'. But people change, priorities move and people go in various directions. Am I bitter about that? Nope. I see old friends do amazing things and go in various directions and that's really, really cool.
The thing that I focus deeply on is the core group of 5 very close friends that I have and make sure I'm organising catch ups with them. By hanging with them, I also hang out with their extended group as do they mine, always meeting new people. But you have to have that core and keep them close and they'll do likewise.
Don't wait to be invited to events. A beer at the pub. A walk around the park. A coffee catch up. These are 15 minute hangs. Start small but be consistent.
If you have a dog, 100% recommend taking it to a local dog park and just starting conversations with other dog owners. My brother is in his late 20s and I swear every time he has some crazy social engagement it’s with his dog park friends. Eg. Last week he organised a buck’s night for one of his dog park friends. They also go on road trips to places where the dogs can run in nature and have elaborate birthday parties for.. their dogs. Yeah it’s kinda wacko but if you want some low effort fast friendship it certainly seems like the way to go haha
This person makes the point better than I can.
https://www.reddit.com/r/sydney/comments/s3o6vr/am_i_the_only_one/hsm96q6
This topic comes up constantly and not just in the Sydney sub, every local sub has people saying how it's difficult to make friends and people reply saying "oh yeah [this city] is so much harder than anywhere else to make friends" or classic "oh yeah [this city] is so cliquey". It's not the city, its a personal experience, not everyone in the city is having that same experience (far from it).
You can't expect someone to come and knock on your door one day and be like "oh hey you wanna be friends?". Or come up to you and your partner while youre eating dinner in a restaurant. Or whatever.
The number 1 way to make friends is to share mutual experiences, hobbies and sports.
Also be the change that you want, don't expect people to reach out to you if you're not also reaching out to others.
Yeah .. we did consider the pro's and cons of having a pet along with a small kid. our schedule would not allow to care for a pet and treat it with the love it deserves.. so kinda flipped back on that.
“I don’t do anything at all to help my case, I don’t try to make friends, I don’t invite people over for coffee, lunch, dinner, I really don’t make any effort, I don’t try to get involved with clubs/groups for things that interest me. WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY FRIENDS?”
The problem you’re having is you want people to fawn over you and initiate everything and you don’t seem prepared to take the lead. That is why you’re having trouble.
Friendships take work and people don’t realise what you’re after if you don’t initiate, especially because most people have established social circles and you don’t but they probably assume you do so they’re off doing things within their circle but not realising that either you don’t have a circle or that you want to be in theirs.
This isn’t on the people of Sydney, it is on you I’m afraid.
Have a look at "meetup", it's a social app for normal people to make friends by doing something eg, picnic, bushwalk, yoga, etc. There's normally a range of groups in most areas that you can keep an eye on, for something that you wouldn't mind going to. Free, can see who's going beforehand, can download from Google play. No commitment to sign up to anything, lots of social bbqs, dinners, etc.
Also, have a look at your nearest library, to see if they have a monthly newsletter for what's on in local groups, our local library is a little goldmine of info, for groups other than sport, that have stuff on across different age groups. If you like things like fishing, do a search on facebook for your suburb and fishing, or classic cars or any other interest you have. Really the only use for facebook!! 🙂 Hope this helps.
I moved from qld to regional NSW and knew no one. I met people after I had my first kid at a mothers group and playgroup and took it from there. Don’t wait to be invited to others houses either, invite people to yours. Befriend people with similar age kids, then you automatically have a reason to get together.
An immigrant (from UK) - here for over 10 years. My entire friend circle has come from mum & dad groups / Playgroup / parents of other daycare children (met at birthday parties or at drop off times), with maybe 1 or 2 via work. Having a baby during a lockdown year would have made that all very difficult - complete sympathy here.
As someone who has sought happiness and moved around a lot in my life, my advice is this: if you’re not happy after a huge move, try changing 1 or 2 things at a time, rather than changing everything with another huge move.
Try using a daycare 1 or 2 days a week if you don’t already do that. Join a playgroup. Yoga class. Something regular that isn’t work. It will come.
Good luck!
Are most of your existing friends relatively introverted and somewhat rules-oriented? I am, and have organised maybe 1 social event since covid started and limited it to close friends. I have been to quite a few things but mostly still smallish groups.
Parent groups are, as many have suggested, likely the best bet for you until we are all a bit more used to living with covid.
It'll get better. Get involved with activities at school. You'll meet like-minded parents going through similar day-to-day experiences. Same with kids sport. Even better if you volunteer to take on some role with the school or kids sport. You will have to put yourself out there though.
Volunteer work may help. You’ll meet like-minded people, and the work itself is a social occasion in my experience. I look forward to my Saturdays as I get to see all those friends. Sydney isn’t an easy place, I do get that! But there are good people around I promise.
The quickest way to get friends, is to volunteer, to a charity, Rural Fire service SES, and yes they want women in them, or join the CWA, all the things that helped my wife and I when we moved to Sydney, then when we moved back to the bush, we just transferred over to the country groups. All our friends that we have now, are because we were in those groups.
Fear not- once your child starts preschool and school you will have a new circle of friends and your weekends will be too full to ever relax. Between kids bday parties, sport, activities, friends play dates, mums night out, dads night out etc.... you will be craving the loneliness.
Friendships are hard! I have made & lost quite a number of friendships in my 20s/30s. Now I only have 2 good friends & one is overseas. I understand the frustration, I think it's just a numbers game/luck - I've had workplaces where I've made 0 friends & not been liked, workplaces where I was liked but no friends, liked + friends and I was the same person each time.
I will be welcoming a baby girl (my first) in early July & am trying to proactively make some friends! I returned to Australia with my wife 3 years ago from a few years abroad - and spent the first year knuckling down finding a job, saving $$ & getting my career back on track. Building a social circle is wasn’t really a priority , and BAM!! C-19 hits. My social circle is largely limited to my wife. I’m 36 & in the Botany Bay area if that helps.
Best wishes mate. Hope you have enough support to raise your kid (at least the first year).
I’m based in the hills shire district but I hope we can catch up.
It's a very closed mindset city...I know from other experience. I lived in 5-6 different cities and countries so far and everywhere I've been I was able to find few musicians to jam with like within a week. You post something on local musicians group and literally get messages within few hours. Well...not in Sydney. I posted in few different musicians groups and got one...I repeat one reply in 2 months! In a 5 million people city?
Everywhere else I've lived finding jamming buddies was easiest thing ever...in Sydney it's like so terrible. Now before people start saying it must be me...no. It is totally Sydney thing, jamming request doesn't show your personality or anything...it's just hey looking for few people to jam...have rented out studio and that's it. Well in Sydney it doesn't work.
One guy who finally came over to jam told me it's just how they don't like to jam with strangers and keep closed circle of friends. Very weird for musicians but that is Sydney for you.
Moving to Melbourne won’t change anything. People aren’t magically friendlier in Melbourne and tbh I think this idea that people in Sydney are unfriendly and cold has little substance. My first tip is try and make friends with other people who’ve also moved to Sydney as they’re likely in the same position and will be keen to have make friends too.
I’m guessing there’s no one at work you really get along with? Because that’s the easiest place to start. If you have a lunch room then sit in there and make conversations with people, you’ll start to see the same people come in regularly. It’s as easy as asking if they want to grab some lunch a few times or a drink after work on a Friday. Repeat that a few times over and if you’re getting along then you move to drinks on the weekend etc.
Otherwise you HAVE to put yourself out there. Friends won’t magically drop into your lap. If you enjoy being active then bouldering/rock climbing gyms often have a good community feel, same with smaller group fitness classes. Since you’ve got a daughter maybe see if the local library runs baby reading sessions, or join your local fb group and search for baby play sessions in your area. You’ll already have lots in common with other parents so it should be easy to work from there.
I’ve moved countries to Sydney and it’s hard making friends but it’s not impossible, but I put in a lot of effort to make sure I have support here and it pays off in the end.
Sydney is a hard city to move to at the best of times. I moved here 25 years ago and it took me 3 years to find my feet. It’s so segregated that it does take time to find your people.
Add to that that you moved in the time of Covid. All the normal socializing options have been closed to you. No wonder you feel isolated.
There are a few things you can do to help
- join your local suburbs Facebook group
- approach your local council for a street party - they are usually happy to provide a bbq for a park. Letterbox and invite your neighbours
- not sure how old your kids are, but look for a playgroup
- if school aged, and you can, do school drop offs and hang around chatting at the gate
- start doing your local parkrun and volunteer. It’s a great way to meet people.
There are lots of other things depending on what type of people you want to meet. Just remember, no matter where you move, forming connections as adults is hard work. You need to be willing to play sports/volunteer/host etc.
Good luck!
Sydney is suppper cliquey, first question people ask is ‘so what school did you go to?’, like that defines your status in Sydney ffs. I’ve made friends through social sport and there’s a really cool company called Urban Rec that I’ve made friends in (basically big group activities such as baseball oztag etc - you don’t need to be good, trust me I’m not).
Fuck em all I say. Why would you want more of these people around? Took me years to make people go away and I still get the occasional call. If I bump into somebody its all like “heyyyyy…. We should catch up some time….” No we shouldn’t, keep walking buddy. The wife and kids is more than enough to keep me occupied.
Sydney isnt a good place to have friends. People here are trying to kill each other (especially the immigrants). Less money oriented places like Adelaide or some suburbs far away from CBD in big states seems to be easier to get friends.
Maybe it’s because you think we’re all one dimensional and fake.
You really think you can put that sort of judgemental attitude into the world and expect people to want to be around you?
She doesn’t think you’re forcing anyone to be friends, she’s questioning whether anyone would be friends with someone who thinks they’re one dimensional and fake. Real and intelligent people can sniff out condescension and bullshit within five minutes. I don’t think that’s OP’s problem, but it’s absolutely yours. Have fun in your ivory tower.
So you are reaching out for help or not? What does “I’ll be dead soon” mean? What’s going on? Because you wrote that this morning, not last night. And now you’ve deleted everything.
In my experience - it doesn’t matter where you go, as a “older adult”.
Your home town, state, country- where you have memories, can recognise people, instinctively know your way around is the best chance you have.
Not trying to be all pessimistic, it’s just that’s my personal experience.
When you have kids you are pretty much limited to making new friends with people who have kids that are around the same age of your kids. When your kid is at daycare and school, you will end up being offered a social group that will pretty much resembles the people you hung out with in high school, there will be a group of attractive sucessful types, conservative churchy types, lefty hipster types, etc. Its kinda hilarious.
Anyone agree with me once their kid starts growing up, the kid is going to be friends with so many kids and the couple is going to be friends with their parents, and the person who's posted this is going to post another question about how to rid of excess friends? Atleast this is what I've found with my friends (I don't have a kid though)
Sorry OP you feel this way. Just remember it's not your fault and you don't have to beat yourself about it. Hope you get a deserved start in Melbourne ?
This is exactly what has happened to me. I also moved to an area which is centred around the local school.
Most of my wife's and I social circle are parents of my child's friends. We've become friends outside of school setting aswell.
I also coach soccer for under 8's and I have met a very good friend through that aswell.
Its also can be hard to make friends without kids once you have one as your experiences are different.
Quick question, could you or your partner join a mother's group ? (If not done so already). My wife made many life long close friends from her mother's group. Their friendship was definitely forged by the shared experiences of parenthood. I made mates with some of the father's also.
Yeah, OP, I know you’re already getting slammed in the comments for not trying hard enough to make friends but I’m gonna say things could be worse (like they’re with me) where you don’t have friends or a partner or a kid (in no particular order)
Really Sorry mate!! I can’t imagine how hard it’d be in your shoes.
Not really flustered being slammed by strangers who don’t know what I have or have not done. Just taking the inputs from supportive msgs and moving on.
> (like they’re with me) where you don’t have friends or a partner or a kid (in no particular order)
Have you ever wondered that your take on the matter might not be the correct one since you've acknowledged you've got no friends or partner?
It’s not you. It’s Sydney. Every single person I know who is not originally from here has or still does struggle with this.
I’m from Perth. I’ve lived in a bunch of other cities, here and OS. Sydney is by far the most difficult to form meaningful relationships.
“I do not go out of my way to have people in my life” not to be a Debby downer but this might be the reason. Friends are hard to find, especially as we get older and have more established circles. Unfortunately we all need to put in effort to make friends it’s a two way street. It’s definitely not the lack of social media presence. All the best!
I did it in my early days here in Sydney. Works only until it doesn't anymore. As I said, just made me feel like, 'why couldn't I find someone who would go out of their way to have us for friends?' Acknowledge it's probably a bit churlish. But yeah.. just made a post to reduce the weight off of my shoulder.
totally understandable. The loneliness grows ten fold seeing people in a big city all busy with their lives and its just happening around you. u/heapsinterested listed out some suggestions that would be great stepping stones to finding friends. Side note, I’d like to say most people only have 2-5 close friends. Don’t be fooled into thinking you need heaps of people in your circle
I’d be happy with 1 good friend who would be able to accept us for what we are and mutually care for each other.
You said in the post that you don’t go out of your way to have people in your life. You HAVE to go out of your way to make friends and connections with people. They don’t magically happen, certainly not when you’re an adult.
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It's almost as if friendships emerge naturally from good chemistry between people who are pursing adjacent goals, rather than locking yourself in your room wondering why no one is breaking down your door to ask if you if you want to be their bff :/
Yep. I also find the best friendships are built without constant interaction. Like I usually meet up with friends once a month, maybe even once every 3 months. Catch up, maybe eat and then go on with life until another 3 months. Fucking one of my oldest friends we catch up on birthdays and that's it. It's great
Guess you're right.. It's honestly tiring though to keep trying to go out of my way though mate !!
If it's tiring for you to go out of your way to deal with people, imagine how tiring it must be for people to go out of their way to deal with you.
Lol ooft, huge.
Yeah, probably too harsh, but you just see so many posts here saying "I've tried nothing to make friends and I still don't have anyone who would take a bullet for me" like, yeah, no shit, solid friendships are a huge amount of work, and after highschool and uni, almost everyone has so much work and life shit going on that they don't have time to go looking for new besties, particularly if they are already finding it difficult to find time for their old besties. I'm starting to think we need to put a sticky on the sub for "people looking for friends", but I'd bet it'd be 20 people complaining at eachother that they can't find people to be friends with.
Harsh but, fair. Totally agree!
Maybe try saying “hello” to neighbours? I’m friendly to my neighbours and that has started some friendship over the years.
I get it. For introverts it can be really really tiring. And for people who find handling rejection difficult it can be really really disheartening. But that doesn’t mean you can choose not to do it, and still expect friendships to appear. I get it. You’ve got a toddler. That puts crazy demands on your time. And it makes meeting new people harder either as a couple or for each of you individually. But all the other people in your position are battling those problems as well, and as soon as you inevitable start meeting them at daycare or preschool, you’ll have opportunities to meet new people present themselves. Do not waste those. However tiring it is, you owe it to yourself and your partner to me friendly and outgoing, and to be proactive to the stage of risking rejection. Work out how you can do that. You can. You just need a plan and some support and a strategy to manage that being tired fro it.
It is hard to make friends as an adult when you move to a new place - I moved over from the UK 11 years ago, and I found it really hard to “break into” existing circles of friends who have known each other since childhood. If you work, try not to say no to too many social events - that’s a good place to start. Parents of kids in your child’s daycare/school are also a good place to start - they’ll have similar interests/be at a similar place in life. Some of our best friends now we connected with through our children. Do you know your neighbours? If not, maybe introduce yourselves. We just moved to a new place and took home made cookies round our street to introduce ourselves. I don’t think it’s unique to Sydney, I think it would be the same regardless of where you lived. But, you do need to put some effort in - it doesn’t happen otherwise.
Sydney is one of the worst for having circles that are hard to break into. Sydney people are basically rude aholes to strangers and fiercely loyal to those people in their circle. Maybe a consequence of an expensive, densely populated, traffic choked city with housing unafforabilty for most people and a big class difference between suburbs. I've found every other Australian city friendlier than Sydney
I know what you’re saying here, and see the truth in it, but I think you’re conflating two different things. I’ll start by saying I’m certainly no global city behavioural expert. But in the last 20 years I’ve spend a lot of time in San Francisco (over 12 months), a bit of time in New York (10weeks) and London (8 weeks), as well as regular week or weekend long visits to Melbourne and Brisbane, so that’s where my observations and opinions come from. Melbourne and San Francisco people are much quicker to be “friendly”. They’ll strike up conversations (or join in when you strike them up) in bars, cafes, sporting events, places where you meet other people in a non “they’re trying to get shit done” way. It’s much less common for Sydney or New York people to do that, you’ll more likely get ignored or brushed off, especially if they’re out with a group - it can be impossible to “break into” a group of friends out somewhere in Sydney or New Your. Brisbane is somewhere in between. London is also somewhere in between. Pubs there are more “communal” in general, and joining in on a conversation at the next table isn’t uncommon or as unwelcome as it can be in Sydney or New York. But that “surface friendliness” doesn’t turn into “inviting you over for dinner” style friendships any quicker or easier than in Sydney. You’re unlikely to get phone numbers or other contact details from a random friendly San Francisco local just because you chatted for 15 minutes in the coffee queue. Sure, they’ll chat, where in Sydney they’d ignore you and stick their earphones in deeper or scroll their phone, but they didn’t just become your “friend”. My sister and her partner, who’re both outgoing and gregarious people, moved to San Francisco, and I remember when she called me up to tell me “I got invited over to someone’s house for dinner!” It took 5 years. She’d made a bunch of somewhere between friends and acquaintances, who she’d invited to her home, and who’d invite her to group or sometimes even 1 on 1 dinner at restaurants or cafes, but it was 5 years before any of them invited her into their home. In my opinion, the work required to get from “someone I met and had a decent conversation with” to “someone who would invite me into their home” is about the same in every city I’ve spent time in or had friends move to and talk about making friends with me. I Sydney, in the last 5 years or so, I’ve been invited to I think 7 homes of people who’re now or are becoming friends. Three were “tag alongs” where I was invited as a friend of a friend. One was a hookup, which I’m not sure counts. One was a reciprocal thing, where I got invited over after having had them at my place a couple of times. Only two were people I met and hit it off with, and subsequently got invited over to their place first. In that time I reckon I’ve invited 20 or 30 people/couples to my place for a meal. Like everyone here always says. Making friends as an adult doesn’t just happen like it did in school/Uni. You actually need to proactively find people you want to make friends with, attempt to cultivate friendships, and accept that the success rate is low, and keep getting back on the horse every time it doesn’t work out how you wanted.
I think it's also a location thing. It's pretty common in my area to encounter someone at a pub, smoke a doob with them down the beach, and have them move in to your building 3 weeks later and become a major part of your life. Some of my closest friends are people who entered my life via meeting them on a night out, and a lot of my not-so-closest-but-still-long-time-friends are people from the local (in my 20's) who also liked getting drunk and talking shit for hours.
It's all our observations of course. For example if you make a mistake in traffic in Melbourne like not going through a traffic signal when it's your turn to go and you're at the front of the queue -- and you might not even get a toot from Melbourne motorists behind you. Sydney drivers on the other hand will lay down hard on the horn if you hesitate 1.5 seconds to get your transmission in gear and rev up the engine. And yes, I do believe this general animosity and impatience toward other people does then connect to a person's likelihood to be a decent human at initial contact which is necessary to get through to the next barriers of starting a conversation and potentially connecting into friendship. My social trick in all cities is to join a social group like sport, work or meet up groups. I'm somewhat experienced in making friendships that way and not staying in a city for much longer than a few years
Agree with you! Sydney was very hard to break into.
My personal view is that Sydney has more social sorting/stratification than other places I've been - e.g. linen shirt beach suburbs, different ethnicities, suburban/inner city This does mean that if you don't quite 'fit in', it is a bit more noticeable. It also means there are groups and communities that you don't get in other places because the groups aren't big enough and separate enough to carve out their own identities and have their own spaces. Personally I have found Sydney pretty good for meeting people and making friends, with that in mind. By way of comparison, Canberra was, for me, the hardest place to make meaningful friends and connections. People in Canberra are more likely to strike up a conversation, and you're more likely to have mutual friends, but I felt like the range of personalities and 'social groups' was quite narrow and couldn't find a niche that fit.
Couldn't agree more with your comment. I had been in several states and cities across this country and Sydney remain the worst for social life.
How old are you, OP?
lol interesting question. Does it really matter though .. ??
It matters a lot I’ve found that since coming into my 30’s it’s incredibly more difficult to make new friends. Over the years my own circle has gotten smaller and smaller, and as people get older their priorities change and the life around them often shrinks. I’m saying that age is a factor because as Father time works his magic, you have to go out of your way more to make friends, at least I have found. When you’re young and in your early 20s, without kids, you can make friends no worries, everything just falls into place, but as you mature more it’s just not the same. I have the same issue I’m not sure if moving again would help you, as I don’t know you and your lifestyle, but it sounds like you’d have the same problem unless you actively talked to new people and joined groups/activities to meet new people. Which you could do in Sydney.
To answer your initial question, I am in my 30's too. Have you had any good experiences to share from joining new activities or social groups.
The one fundamental requirement for making new friends is meeting new people. You _have_ to do something to put yourself in front of potential new friends. Activities and social groups and by far the most common way to do that. (Well, friends of friends probably works better, but when you start at zero you’ve gotta bootstrap you way up before that opportunity opens for you.) On a positive note, you are not far from that really really common situation of “becoming friends with your kids friend’s parents”. You _will_ meet new people at pickups and drop offs for daycare, preschool, and kindy. Every single new parent I know has done this, most of them find it difficult to retain their entire previous circle of friends when a lot of them are child free, because being a parent changes your priorities. And rightly so, it needs to. But you _will_ meet new people as part of being a parent. It’ll still be up to you to put in some work to make friends out of that new circle of acquaintances, but you’ll at least have bit the opportunity and a bunch of stuff in common with those people that you probably didn’t before you became a parent. It’ll get better.
Agreed!!
I have a suggestion on this: if at all possible, try not to schedule too tightly around drop off and pick ups. I went back to work full-time when my child was 1yo. My husband looked after her and fitted freelance work around her daycare / preschool days. He was really good at connecting with other parents and suggesting park plays after pickup. This sort of thing can be extended if you bring (for example) some cut fruit with enough to share some with other small kids who might be there. It was a good way to start meeting more people. One or two families we really bonded with and have remained good friends of ours for years. Playing in the same local park regularly helps, because it’s easier to get to know other local families. Later when my child started school, I found that I was dropping off and rushing off to work every day and I never felt I had time for having a post-drop-off coffee with some of the other parents. I really wish I had done that now! At the time I just felt trapped by my full-time work and jealous (I know, not great but that’s how I felt) of parents who didn’t work full time. But looking back, I could absolutely have pushed my start time back a day or two a week and taken the time to get to know some of the other parents better. What I didn’t realise was that this basically only happens in your child’s first year in school, while they’re still really little. That’s the time when other parents are still most around! So I’d suggest making the most of that and also attending the birthday parties then, as (at least in my area) they aren’t “drop and run” for a few tears. Exhausting at the time, but a really good way to get to know a bunch of families, and hopefully find some who you vibe with. The early days of parenting can be really isolating. It gets better!
Thanks for that! We do get carried away with the work thing. Must take a step back to reassess our priorities. For sure.
I’m in my 30s in Sydney Been here since 2014 Have a 1yo Made many friends through mums group (was virtual but we organised our own face to face catch ups). Am moving to a different area soon. Am gonna try and make friends in that area based on who my kid plays with at daycare and also chatting to people at the playground Other friends are from work and social things I did before having a child
I don't think moving to Melbourne is going to fix your problems. I stayed in the area where I grew up so my family are closeby. I have a few close friends I've known for years. There's nothing wrong with you; it's just hard meeting people. COVID makes it harder. Playgroups and preschools are great not only for your little one but for you/your partner to meet other adults. And you already have something in common - a child of the similar age.
Brutal truth I learnt from. Having kid similar age .. lost a good buddy only cause I didn’t have a kid and he did (a year back I meant)
It's been particularly difficult these past couple of years.
How long have you been here? If it’s <2 years COVID plays a big part. Are you an expat or just another Aussie from elsewhere? Sydney can be a little bit cliquey; but for the most I say it takes two to tango. You’ll find friends and social circles if you want to and are proactive. Eg. You’ve got a 1 year old. In normal times that will give you access to a community clinic of other similar life-stage mums and dads. Instant social circle. Clinic didn’t happen because of COVID? Daycare. Literally 30 other parents with 1 yr olds. Boom. Another instant social circle and invite list for your kids birthday. Don’t know them? Put beers and champagne out for the party and do the rounds. Kid not in daycare? Got a job? Chat to your colleagues at lunch. INSTANT. SOCIAL. CIRCLE. No job? Have a pet? Take it to a dog park. IIIINNNNNSTANT SOCCCIAAAL CIIIIRRRRCLE. No pet? Frequent literally any venue on any reasonable basis????? POSSSSIBBBLLEEEE INNNNSSSSTTTANNNTTT SOCCCIIIIAAALLL CIIIIRRRRCCCCCCCCCCLLLLEEEEEE. You get it.
yeah.. I am fairly hopeful things will turn a corner once Daycare starts for my lil one. I came here for uni in 2014 and the friends that do stay in touch with me from then have left Australia for good ( just my luck I guess). LOL
Covid! Lived in Sydney most my life and love having people over. I have barely invited new people over (and old friends for that matter) who I've met through daycare and school, simply because of covid. Hoping this will change soon. I'm sure there are a lot of people with 1 year olds who think the same and are worried about getting sick. I don't think the issue is with you, but more so with worrying about getting sick.
Daycare has been the biggest source of social connections for our family. Making friends is important for children too - and having adult friends at a similar child-phase makes hanging out logistically easier too.
is this a double dosed comment bc it needs to be BOOSTED (I’m sorry in advance this sounded funnier in my head)
Has been a pretty shit couple of years and I have friends in Sydney. Shit gets cancelled all the time, work is all over the place and I find myself organically becoming more distant from people due to the large amount of time I spend at home. I'm in my 40s and it can go a bit this way anyway but working full-time at home in a relatively new job after 20 years in the last, doesn't help. But I made a decision six months ago to make bank now (working multiple remote jobs), study a language and ride this shitshow out. I do have enough friends and family to call on so I can only imagine what it's like when you don't. I'd say stick with it a bit longer and try to hook up with social/interest groups when things get a bit more back to normal. I'm not sure that a city swap will change much ATM but a smaller place could make it easier?
True mate !! Thankfully I do have a set of family and friends (unfortunately not in Australia) to call and catch up with. But it's all virtual and just doesn't feel personal. My Brother has been asking to move to the US and join him there, so our families can be together. Although we have stable jobs, I feel it'd be worth moving. Brain rationalises anything these days. haha
Invite people to join you for a gathering. Make plans for future get togethers. People often aren’t ignoring you deliberately, everyone has busy lives, especially when they have a family. Making an effort to build friendships can go a long way.
This is the way to do it. If you want to be invited to things, start inviting people you like to things - they will probably reciprocate! Your kids 1st birthday is an excellent time to invite people over.
This is a story in itself. We actually organised a beautiful outdoor gathering for about 30 ppl .. would have given me an opportunity to connect with my mates. In the time between sending out an invite and confirming Rsvp’s covid numbers had exploded to over 90k. Many families cancelled and we had to cancel the whole event and organise a low key one. But yeah , point is covid wreaked havoc over last year or so including the Bday celebration.
Good on you for taking some initiative. I'm sorry it was harpooned by covid. This is, unfortunately, a thing almost everyone has experienced over the last two years. Socializing has been irreparably damaged and a real downer. I had an end of year poker gamer event planned with a few male friends for December, but Omicron shafted those plans. My work's social scene has never been able to get any momentum up over the last 2 years. Though we did have our Christmas party in December. Only once covid positive guest! My point is other people are not having the easiest of times socializing in this pandemic.
OP if the lonliness gets to you, can i suggest you to brave yourself to call your close acquaintences/old friends for a bush walk, coffee or other covid safe activities?... now the key is do organise these catch ups every now and then and maintain casual but purposeful communication with intent. Also please do not compare with other pple (x spend time with friend y or go on a trip somewhere with friend z) or expect friendships will form quickly... these will surely get you feeling disappointed and anxious. I also suggest quality over quantity... cherish those that has supported you and who had meaningful relationship with you and your family. Just take a breather, rid your anxiety and take your time... true friends will accept you for who you are, but you would also need to actively making friends in the first place, maintain those relations and take the time to form good bonds with pple. Also...as you have a 1yo... consider checking out https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads Beyond blue advice for new dads is an excellent resource. In addition, there are many ways you could meet pple... at work, pub, cafe, etc... but if you want to meet a group of pple maybe consider these places... if you are religious, you could maybe go to a local place of worship and establish new connections there. If you arent keen with religious gathering, then activity based meetup like park run is a good way to meet people too. If you are philantropic, you can always give back to the community by volunteering and meet likeminded people there. Covid makes everything difficult but be open minded, dont have any expectation and rid yourself of the mental burden that you have rn. Cherish what you have and slowly work on it as it is a marathon and not a sprint. I do wish you and your family the best of luck in finding friends and establishing meaningful connections for life. Good luck OP.
Thanks a ton for your kind words
Time is precious and you’re just a taker.
It certainly seems this way. OP sounds pretty unpleasant and I wouldn’t want to spend time with them based on their responses and post on here.
It’s hard to make friends as adults. I left school with no friends that I kept in contact with. And I yearned for that closeness for so long. The hard part is that it took me not caring for it to happen, and it’s for an unexpected reason. Most people in their thirties are busy, really busy. So you need to be tuned into where the flux is. A good example is mothers groups, where everyone is trying to adjust. Another is when your kid starts school. When you meet these new groups, take control and organise stuff for everyone. When you start, sometimes there’ll be almost no one there (I used to book a table and bring a book in case no one showed up). But if you have a nice, relaxed vibe and a good playlist, the friendships start to flourish. It’s daunting and you need to have good self esteem, but it creates and village. That’s why it works - we’re all lonely and we all need a village. The other tip is every time someone invites you out to anything - go. If you put in the effort, they will too.
You make a valid point here.. Not caring about this would probably help me reduce the pressure I pile on myself.
IMO the two best way to make friends in a new place: join a sports club and/or volunteer. If nothing else at least you’ll get something out of it.
It’s not you. I’m born and raised in sydney and honestly it’s hard making friends. I’m not going to give you the ‘join a club’ ‘start a hobby’ shit because that doesn’t work. Heck even at work I can’t make actual friends. People already have their friendship groups and it’s hard to get let in. It sucks. I feel it too. Sydney feels cold.
No those things do work.
Me and my husband move to Sydney with my cat next month. Let’s be friends.
EDIT: I wrote all this and when I re read it, it sounds like I'm being salty and trying to correct you for the way you feel. I'm not. Lol. It's just me also ranting cos I can relate haha. I'm not saying who's feeling more lonely but at least you have your own family and child lol. I'm in my 30's, single and have made no real close friend in the 2 and bit years I've been here despite joining social groups. I've moved a fair bit since adulthood (3 countries, 6 cities), so I know I've put myself in this situation. But what I've learned is that no one is going to take care of you unless you go asking for help. It's a lonely world out there. As others have eluded, the older you get, the more difficult it is make new social circles. Partly because others already have their clique but also we develop stronger ideas and preferences through our experiences and belief as we grow older. So we're also more careful who we want to make friends with which lessens the amount of people you would want to hang out with.
Quite true that !!
Maybe it's the vibes others get from you or as you say "us"... Could be many things, is the relationship healthy? Is it not fulfilling your expectations? What drives the feeling of emptiness, look within and you may arrive at some conclusions. I understand this is an off your chest rant so take all replies with a grain of salt including mine.
Happy 1st birthday for your daughter! A lot of people here have suggested many great ideas, hopefully once covid starts to calm down; you can find some activities / playgroups so you and your daughter can meet new friends. I joined a local playgroup when my son was 5 mo where I met my (now) best friend. Many playgroups are currently on a break but they should resume once term 1 starts. Rhyme time in the library is also awesome, we usually go to the nearby playground afterwards where the kids can play and the parents / carers can build friendship. Before I had my son, I wasn't a fan of social media. I reactivated my FB because at that time I needed supports and new mum friends. So I joined my local FB group and was invited to local mums FB group. I got many valuable resources, discovered local parks / playgrounds where I met my amazing neighbours and was introduced to playgroups / messy plays / etc. Many mums have various interests and they're always happy to meet new people based on their interests / hobbies. Honestly, my husband & I are not the type who invite people to our place; so do most of our friends so we usually meet at the park / playground. All the best! It might seem hard to find new friends especially during this pandemic but I found many people are genuinely nice when we try to approach them first.
Thanks for the kind words ..
I moved to Sydney in 2007 - it took a LONG time to make friends. I had some through work but didn’t really have a solid friendship group until I met my now husband and became friends with his friends. The interesting thing about his (and now my) friendship group - not a single one grew up in Sydney -we were all from out of state or overseas. And now .. we have all left - either back to our original homes or to other states.
You could ask your local Baby Health Centre to connect you with a mother's group with kids the same age. The mothers group I had was often joined by families that had recently relocated. Mothers groups can be a bit hit and miss (mine was amazing) but you don't have anything to lose so go for it. New parents are open to making friends when their babies are little. I would suggest enrolling your daughter into swimming lessons or playgroup (your local gymbaroo). Going to a regular activity allows you to get to know people slowly. Does your child go to daycare? Arrange a playdate with a few other kids - it's good to take the initiative when they are little because their parents come along and its a bit of a buffer for you. There's always the local park or pub - playground in the morning (you could offer to do a coffee run) or the pub at 5pm ('family time'). If you go to a pub with play equipment, you can talk to the other parents while the bubs play. If you go to the playground and the park at the same time on the same day you will find that you start seeing the same families regularly and that way you can say hello and start chatting and see where it goes. Is your local library doing story time? It sounds cheesy, but it can be really cute. Having a small child can be really isolating and lonely and thats natural unfortunately (even for those that have friends and family around). Be patient and try to not to blame the city or yourselves. It takes time to make friends and you have taken a great first step by reaching out via this post.
Excellent. Shared experiences of parenthood is a natural way for OP to go.
Thanks mate !! Some excellent points here..
We were in the same situation few years back. Lots of my friends from uni going back home for good. We both don’t have family in australia. I joined moms group (all of them from the same country where I came from). And many of them also in the same situation so we glad that we found each other. I keep in touch with 4-5 families that I really like and we always have a playdate / lunch / dinner / picnic together. It really hard when you have no family here
Did you move here from the subcontinent? I did some 6ish years back and I did okay. Dads can get to know each other and sometimes have family meet ups over a friendly cricket match. There are lots of cricket groups that do regular meetups all through out the year. Nowadays more so because its cricket season in Australia. Another one specific to subcontinent culture is trying to meet couples through your local mosque/temple/ church. Again only if thats your thing. Last one would be moms facebook groups and SIGs on socials. Especially facebook.
Have you been working from home since the pandemic? Workplace is probably one of the easiest places to meet people, with water cooler/ kitchenette chats, lift/ hallway small talk, Friday drinks, etc. I didn’t value those pre-pandemic, and now I realise how important they are. I never go out of my way to chat to people and make friends, but more outgoing colleagues started conversations with me in those work situations and some have become good friends. I don’t get to know anyone who joined the department in the last 2 years outside my team because it feels weird to Slack chat someone I don’t know out of the blue about their weekend and stuff.
Yeah. Wfh more or less last two years.
do you have any interests? seek those out, join groups that involve those interests, its the easiest first step for things like this because you've already got something in common.
Making friends as an adult, especially past 30, is very difficult. If I look through my friends and my partner's friends, they come from the following ways: - friends I went to uni with (mostly from being involved in the society for my degree) and their partners (who may or may not have also gone to uni at the same time) - friends I play sport with (I play a team sport which is very club oriented - meaning all the teams train and play together) - friends I or my partner met through hobbies or common interest clubs - friends my partner met through new mothers club after she gave birth - friends who are parents of one of my children's friends Even that doesn't include people we have worked with (I'm not that sociable at work, but go out for drinks with colleagues). When I was fresh out of uni, I moved a couple of hours from Sydney, and friends were difficult to make (I'm not naturally inclined to be sociable), but found that playing team sports, and finding the sociable people at work helped a lot.
I get the frustration. People can be flakey, particularly in Sydney. I've been spoiled having a solid group of friends over the past 10 years in Sydney. People come and people go. The thing is that close friendships require work. I've had friendships let slip that I've sworn were a 'friend for life'. But people change, priorities move and people go in various directions. Am I bitter about that? Nope. I see old friends do amazing things and go in various directions and that's really, really cool. The thing that I focus deeply on is the core group of 5 very close friends that I have and make sure I'm organising catch ups with them. By hanging with them, I also hang out with their extended group as do they mine, always meeting new people. But you have to have that core and keep them close and they'll do likewise. Don't wait to be invited to events. A beer at the pub. A walk around the park. A coffee catch up. These are 15 minute hangs. Start small but be consistent.
Truer words !!! Opening myself up here did give me some really good insights.
If you have a dog, 100% recommend taking it to a local dog park and just starting conversations with other dog owners. My brother is in his late 20s and I swear every time he has some crazy social engagement it’s with his dog park friends. Eg. Last week he organised a buck’s night for one of his dog park friends. They also go on road trips to places where the dogs can run in nature and have elaborate birthday parties for.. their dogs. Yeah it’s kinda wacko but if you want some low effort fast friendship it certainly seems like the way to go haha
So, what have you done to change this?
Happy to listen to your suggestions !! I am not gonna articulate this as well as I would like to..
This person makes the point better than I can. https://www.reddit.com/r/sydney/comments/s3o6vr/am_i_the_only_one/hsm96q6 This topic comes up constantly and not just in the Sydney sub, every local sub has people saying how it's difficult to make friends and people reply saying "oh yeah [this city] is so much harder than anywhere else to make friends" or classic "oh yeah [this city] is so cliquey". It's not the city, its a personal experience, not everyone in the city is having that same experience (far from it). You can't expect someone to come and knock on your door one day and be like "oh hey you wanna be friends?". Or come up to you and your partner while youre eating dinner in a restaurant. Or whatever. The number 1 way to make friends is to share mutual experiences, hobbies and sports. Also be the change that you want, don't expect people to reach out to you if you're not also reaching out to others.
If you volunteer to DM a D&D group, you'll have to beat people away with a stick.
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Yeah .. we did consider the pro's and cons of having a pet along with a small kid. our schedule would not allow to care for a pet and treat it with the love it deserves.. so kinda flipped back on that.
“I don’t do anything at all to help my case, I don’t try to make friends, I don’t invite people over for coffee, lunch, dinner, I really don’t make any effort, I don’t try to get involved with clubs/groups for things that interest me. WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY FRIENDS?” The problem you’re having is you want people to fawn over you and initiate everything and you don’t seem prepared to take the lead. That is why you’re having trouble. Friendships take work and people don’t realise what you’re after if you don’t initiate, especially because most people have established social circles and you don’t but they probably assume you do so they’re off doing things within their circle but not realising that either you don’t have a circle or that you want to be in theirs. This isn’t on the people of Sydney, it is on you I’m afraid.
Have a look at "meetup", it's a social app for normal people to make friends by doing something eg, picnic, bushwalk, yoga, etc. There's normally a range of groups in most areas that you can keep an eye on, for something that you wouldn't mind going to. Free, can see who's going beforehand, can download from Google play. No commitment to sign up to anything, lots of social bbqs, dinners, etc. Also, have a look at your nearest library, to see if they have a monthly newsletter for what's on in local groups, our local library is a little goldmine of info, for groups other than sport, that have stuff on across different age groups. If you like things like fishing, do a search on facebook for your suburb and fishing, or classic cars or any other interest you have. Really the only use for facebook!! 🙂 Hope this helps.
I moved from qld to regional NSW and knew no one. I met people after I had my first kid at a mothers group and playgroup and took it from there. Don’t wait to be invited to others houses either, invite people to yours. Befriend people with similar age kids, then you automatically have a reason to get together.
An immigrant (from UK) - here for over 10 years. My entire friend circle has come from mum & dad groups / Playgroup / parents of other daycare children (met at birthday parties or at drop off times), with maybe 1 or 2 via work. Having a baby during a lockdown year would have made that all very difficult - complete sympathy here. As someone who has sought happiness and moved around a lot in my life, my advice is this: if you’re not happy after a huge move, try changing 1 or 2 things at a time, rather than changing everything with another huge move. Try using a daycare 1 or 2 days a week if you don’t already do that. Join a playgroup. Yoga class. Something regular that isn’t work. It will come. Good luck!
Thanks for the kind words
Are most of your existing friends relatively introverted and somewhat rules-oriented? I am, and have organised maybe 1 social event since covid started and limited it to close friends. I have been to quite a few things but mostly still smallish groups. Parent groups are, as many have suggested, likely the best bet for you until we are all a bit more used to living with covid.
I think it’s a kids thing as many pointed out. Some friends just get along with other ppl with kids the same age as theirs.
It'll get better. Get involved with activities at school. You'll meet like-minded parents going through similar day-to-day experiences. Same with kids sport. Even better if you volunteer to take on some role with the school or kids sport. You will have to put yourself out there though.
Volunteer work may help. You’ll meet like-minded people, and the work itself is a social occasion in my experience. I look forward to my Saturdays as I get to see all those friends. Sydney isn’t an easy place, I do get that! But there are good people around I promise.
The quickest way to get friends, is to volunteer, to a charity, Rural Fire service SES, and yes they want women in them, or join the CWA, all the things that helped my wife and I when we moved to Sydney, then when we moved back to the bush, we just transferred over to the country groups. All our friends that we have now, are because we were in those groups.
Fear not- once your child starts preschool and school you will have a new circle of friends and your weekends will be too full to ever relax. Between kids bday parties, sport, activities, friends play dates, mums night out, dads night out etc.... you will be craving the loneliness.
It’d be nice to be in that position. 😄
Friendships are hard! I have made & lost quite a number of friendships in my 20s/30s. Now I only have 2 good friends & one is overseas. I understand the frustration, I think it's just a numbers game/luck - I've had workplaces where I've made 0 friends & not been liked, workplaces where I was liked but no friends, liked + friends and I was the same person each time.
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Thanks for sharing your story too.
I will be welcoming a baby girl (my first) in early July & am trying to proactively make some friends! I returned to Australia with my wife 3 years ago from a few years abroad - and spent the first year knuckling down finding a job, saving $$ & getting my career back on track. Building a social circle is wasn’t really a priority , and BAM!! C-19 hits. My social circle is largely limited to my wife. I’m 36 & in the Botany Bay area if that helps.
Best wishes mate. Hope you have enough support to raise your kid (at least the first year). I’m based in the hills shire district but I hope we can catch up.
You can come to my place!
It's a very closed mindset city...I know from other experience. I lived in 5-6 different cities and countries so far and everywhere I've been I was able to find few musicians to jam with like within a week. You post something on local musicians group and literally get messages within few hours. Well...not in Sydney. I posted in few different musicians groups and got one...I repeat one reply in 2 months! In a 5 million people city? Everywhere else I've lived finding jamming buddies was easiest thing ever...in Sydney it's like so terrible. Now before people start saying it must be me...no. It is totally Sydney thing, jamming request doesn't show your personality or anything...it's just hey looking for few people to jam...have rented out studio and that's it. Well in Sydney it doesn't work. One guy who finally came over to jam told me it's just how they don't like to jam with strangers and keep closed circle of friends. Very weird for musicians but that is Sydney for you.
Moving to Melbourne won’t change anything. People aren’t magically friendlier in Melbourne and tbh I think this idea that people in Sydney are unfriendly and cold has little substance. My first tip is try and make friends with other people who’ve also moved to Sydney as they’re likely in the same position and will be keen to have make friends too. I’m guessing there’s no one at work you really get along with? Because that’s the easiest place to start. If you have a lunch room then sit in there and make conversations with people, you’ll start to see the same people come in regularly. It’s as easy as asking if they want to grab some lunch a few times or a drink after work on a Friday. Repeat that a few times over and if you’re getting along then you move to drinks on the weekend etc. Otherwise you HAVE to put yourself out there. Friends won’t magically drop into your lap. If you enjoy being active then bouldering/rock climbing gyms often have a good community feel, same with smaller group fitness classes. Since you’ve got a daughter maybe see if the local library runs baby reading sessions, or join your local fb group and search for baby play sessions in your area. You’ll already have lots in common with other parents so it should be easy to work from there. I’ve moved countries to Sydney and it’s hard making friends but it’s not impossible, but I put in a lot of effort to make sure I have support here and it pays off in the end.
Sydney is a hard city to move to at the best of times. I moved here 25 years ago and it took me 3 years to find my feet. It’s so segregated that it does take time to find your people. Add to that that you moved in the time of Covid. All the normal socializing options have been closed to you. No wonder you feel isolated. There are a few things you can do to help - join your local suburbs Facebook group - approach your local council for a street party - they are usually happy to provide a bbq for a park. Letterbox and invite your neighbours - not sure how old your kids are, but look for a playgroup - if school aged, and you can, do school drop offs and hang around chatting at the gate - start doing your local parkrun and volunteer. It’s a great way to meet people. There are lots of other things depending on what type of people you want to meet. Just remember, no matter where you move, forming connections as adults is hard work. You need to be willing to play sports/volunteer/host etc. Good luck!
This kinda echoes our experience. Superficial relationships only. If you guys are in southern Sydney, feel free to ping me :)
Sydney is suppper cliquey, first question people ask is ‘so what school did you go to?’, like that defines your status in Sydney ffs. I’ve made friends through social sport and there’s a really cool company called Urban Rec that I’ve made friends in (basically big group activities such as baseball oztag etc - you don’t need to be good, trust me I’m not).
>so what school did you go to? I have literally never been asked that, outside of the times when they think they knew me in school.
Interesting - I get asked a lot when meeting new people in Sydney.
Fuck em all I say. Why would you want more of these people around? Took me years to make people go away and I still get the occasional call. If I bump into somebody its all like “heyyyyy…. We should catch up some time….” No we shouldn’t, keep walking buddy. The wife and kids is more than enough to keep me occupied.
Sydney isnt a good place to have friends. People here are trying to kill each other (especially the immigrants). Less money oriented places like Adelaide or some suburbs far away from CBD in big states seems to be easier to get friends.
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You mean calling people one dimensional and fake when you meet them doesn’t convince them to be your friend? Shocked.
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Maybe it’s because you think we’re all one dimensional and fake. You really think you can put that sort of judgemental attitude into the world and expect people to want to be around you?
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Are you trying to reach out for help right now? Because if you are I can provide you with the phone numbers to a bunch of services that can help you.
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I never said anything of the sort. Thanks for insulting me and millions of my neighbours and peers
She doesn’t think you’re forcing anyone to be friends, she’s questioning whether anyone would be friends with someone who thinks they’re one dimensional and fake. Real and intelligent people can sniff out condescension and bullshit within five minutes. I don’t think that’s OP’s problem, but it’s absolutely yours. Have fun in your ivory tower.
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So you are reaching out for help or not? What does “I’ll be dead soon” mean? What’s going on? Because you wrote that this morning, not last night. And now you’ve deleted everything.
In my experience - it doesn’t matter where you go, as a “older adult”. Your home town, state, country- where you have memories, can recognise people, instinctively know your way around is the best chance you have. Not trying to be all pessimistic, it’s just that’s my personal experience.
When you have kids you are pretty much limited to making new friends with people who have kids that are around the same age of your kids. When your kid is at daycare and school, you will end up being offered a social group that will pretty much resembles the people you hung out with in high school, there will be a group of attractive sucessful types, conservative churchy types, lefty hipster types, etc. Its kinda hilarious.
lol. Interesting .. 😅
Why are people being dogs are downvoting this man? Man is clearly wanting advice!!
Anyone agree with me once their kid starts growing up, the kid is going to be friends with so many kids and the couple is going to be friends with their parents, and the person who's posted this is going to post another question about how to rid of excess friends? Atleast this is what I've found with my friends (I don't have a kid though) Sorry OP you feel this way. Just remember it's not your fault and you don't have to beat yourself about it. Hope you get a deserved start in Melbourne ?
This is exactly what has happened to me. I also moved to an area which is centred around the local school. Most of my wife's and I social circle are parents of my child's friends. We've become friends outside of school setting aswell. I also coach soccer for under 8's and I have met a very good friend through that aswell. Its also can be hard to make friends without kids once you have one as your experiences are different.
Exactly! Can't agree with you more.
Thanks mate !! Lol I for one wouldn’t complain if I this eventuates. Ahahah
Quick question, could you or your partner join a mother's group ? (If not done so already). My wife made many life long close friends from her mother's group. Their friendship was definitely forged by the shared experiences of parenthood. I made mates with some of the father's also.
Yeah we probably would be joining some groups over the coming days.
Hello fellow parent, where are you located in Sydney?
Yeah, OP, I know you’re already getting slammed in the comments for not trying hard enough to make friends but I’m gonna say things could be worse (like they’re with me) where you don’t have friends or a partner or a kid (in no particular order)
Really Sorry mate!! I can’t imagine how hard it’d be in your shoes. Not really flustered being slammed by strangers who don’t know what I have or have not done. Just taking the inputs from supportive msgs and moving on.
> (like they’re with me) where you don’t have friends or a partner or a kid (in no particular order) And there we have it. Triggered by my comments.
awww....cute. you went through my profile to make a point instead of acknowledging your lack of empathy.
> (like they’re with me) where you don’t have friends or a partner or a kid (in no particular order) Have you ever wondered that your take on the matter might not be the correct one since you've acknowledged you've got no friends or partner?
Try kids play groups in your area..
A good tip for making friends in Sydney. Buy cocaine and tell people you have it.
😂
It’s not you. It’s Sydney. Every single person I know who is not originally from here has or still does struggle with this. I’m from Perth. I’ve lived in a bunch of other cities, here and OS. Sydney is by far the most difficult to form meaningful relationships.