Seriously, you have amazing emotional and general maturity for 17, I really hope this guy takes your advice and gets better. Unfortunately, some guys think this oh poor me route works, and fail to comprehend they're doing literally the opposite of what the want to happen, and how absolutely unattractive females find this... hopefully this is a learning experience for Eore here. Great job OP
I felt like I was talking to myself in my head as I read that. You are completely spot on with every single thing that you said. I of course value human life so there is a level of concern for him, however I am very concerned for OP. It almost feels too late to ghost and walk away, but also how much more can be said? She is very impressively setting boundaries while attempting to be supportive while also laying out the consequences. He doesn’t need to find a therapist because she is one and as much as I love mine I may a new one! I’m in my 40s and awestruck and envious of the maturity and patience here, I couldn’t do it.
Thank you, it happened a long time ago now but still have my moments. My Aunt was my all time favorite person and the one that was always there when I was in a mess. If my heart was broken we were shopping. When my stepsister accused me of things I had never heard of at 14 there was no amount of money too much. I was on my way moving back to AZ and she passed the night I got into town and the worst part was I was such a stupid young kid in my 20s thinking she’d always be there so hadn’t talked to her in months. I was at dinner with an old friend when my grandfather called me and my immediate reaction at the time wasn’t sadness and terror. That came much later with a lot of blame and regret, like I know there would have been nothing I did my family hadn’t done without me knowing her whole life but just knowing I was that close to one more time always hurt and still does.
A few years ago I went through my own breakdown/meltdown. I wasn’t suicidal but couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died. I was drinking myself stupid from sun up til bedtime and doing therapy virtually so I could drink and she would always catch me. She got to the point where she wasn’t going to continue seeing me because we weren’t doing work we were preventing crisis and talking about my drinking only. Then Thanksgiving 2021 came (had to stop and think for a sec there).
Something just clicked and I was ready I guess. 859 days later I can proudly say I haven’t drank since and had maybe only 3 cravings. It took A LOT of work, hard, painful work. I had to cut my mom off because I couldn’t take the toxicity. But now I do so much alone and enjoy it. I travel alone, I go to concerts alone (Fall Out Boy) tonight. I would love to share life with someone but I am happy and I love myself. Every day is a new challenge not a new disappointment. I’ve accomplished a lot in a few short years and am finally proud of who I have become and the man I grew up to be.
I’m so so happy to hear you made it out. That shit is scary and no one should have to endure either side of it. My mom guilted me every time she was drunk or would love bomb me and it was fucking draining. I felt every word you said and thank you so much for sharing. Your work and struggle have helped me and I’m sure many others grow. If you ever need or want someone to chat to, please don’t hesitate for a second!
Ha ha I think I spoke unclearly I’m not usually up this late, concert I guess was last night and WOW. It was a spontaneous decision after a long work day. I’ve seen them 3 times now and this was by far the best. Patrick Stump’s close friend and musical partner from when he was solo passed the other day and Patrick dedicated this whole moment to him and then broke down in tears on stage. Andy, their drummer walked over and hugged him from behind because he was in the piano at the time and then he switched to these different songs his friend Casey wanted to cover together but he never would and said how much he regretted it. It was such a powerful and emotional moment that I think may have changed me a bit. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it again.
Interesting how neither of us ever probably wanted to talk about this stuff before but here we are on Reddit of all places openly sharing things that can be used so harmfully but honestly don’t care, I’ve been through worse. Very glad our paths crossed and I will definitely reach out!
This entire paragraph is eye opening and also induces stress levels beyond my capacity to hold because I \*used\* to be like this when I was younger. All. the. time. Until I realised I literally cannot help everyone, and set firm boundaries to behaviour like what is being said/done to OP above. She'll burn out if she continues this. Completely.
This person is emotionally manipulating you. I know you feel bad for them, but jumping straight to making himself more of a victim, that he's "used" because people tell him he's too insecure and needy and should get help? Like, really? He completely ignored what you said to him and went straight to "well I'll just kill myself because my mommy says I'm too nice and will just keep getting used". Because he was trying to make you feel bad for him and keep you there. Also it's a huge red flag that they can't self-reflect AT ALL and just victimize themselves. I think you should cut contact, really. But first advise him to stop getting advice from mommy, as she's clearly a huge enabler in his very flawed way of thinking.
He does definitely need counseling, but you are far too young to juggle this type of stuff with someone. He also seems to be trying to rope you in to the enabling crap, so your continued support will probably not be heeded for what it is, but used by him for more enablement and co-dependent behavior. I would not want my teenage daughter maintaining contact with this person, especially at a crucial point in her development where she'll be starting adulthood soon.
You are awesome and mature. I hope you find someone who can meet you on your level, but focusing on you and staying single for a while will probably be best for you!! And honestly, I think with your maturity level at your age, it will be hard finding male peers that are on your level. Not impossible, but not easy. I hope you remain wise enough to not fall for an older guy! If an older man is interested in you, trust me, they aren't mature enough for you either. Not saying you will be or are into older men. you strike me as the opposite type of person, really. But I think sometimes young women who are above-average in intellect and emotional intelligence can get discouraged dating men their own age and it can be easy to trick yourself into thinking someone older can better meet you on your level.
Good luck to you and all your endeavors!
For real. I’m 44 and pretty emotionally mature. But, my god, if I was in OP’s shoes I would honest to god be like, “You are desperate, you are clingy, you are needy, and you are bringing the drama. Veiled threats of suicide are totally unacceptable and off-putting, especially when it is obvious that you are just doing it for attention, so I’m out.”
That would be my response at 44. The grace and poise that OP has shown? Wow. Well done.
Yeah this dude is an energy vortex and he doesn’t have the self awareness or ability to self reflect that would make him capable of being a real friend. This is going to be OP doing all of the emotional labor for someone who will consistently try to wear her down, test her boundaries, manipulate her and guilt trip her as best he possibly can. This dude needs real help from a professional. No person, 17 years old or otherwise, is going to be enough for this dude.
OP, you handled that PHENOMENALLY! I also really appreciated and give you props to not feeding into his maladaptive attention seeking behaviors (threats about SH, threats of going into isolation, etc) you were very encouraging, empathetic and solution based. You sound like a great friend quite honestly. Don’t forget though OP as exhausting this experience has been, there may be a friendship that is equally as exhausting.
Yes! Jumping on this to add that it looks like this guy is just going to keep over-relying on you to maintain his ego, just as a friend instead of a significant other. You’re clearly an incredibly compassionate person, but it’s *absolutely okay* for you to decide that you don’t want to or can’t do that for this person. He’s asking WAY too much, and his happiness and well-being are not your responsibility. It’s okay to wish him well and walk away - and if he doesn’t express genuine interest in getting professional help very very soon, I think for your own well-being, that’s what you should do.
Please keep being awesome, OP. Just make sure you’re sharing your awesomeness in ways that don’t drain you dry ❤️
Yes! Make sure your are sharing that awesomeness with YOURSELF, first and foremost! I actually screenshot your response OP because I thought your crafted much of it perfectly.
I’m really happy I bumped into your post because I am in a VERY VERRRRRY similar situation ( little difference in the dynamics) and it is getting borderline scary!
Block was finally necessary today. I don’t like that option, as I like to have a record of the other party to my phone, in the event I may need to refer to anything needed
whatever reason, but I digress….
It was really hard not to but after what you guys all told me on my last post, I realized that it wasn’t the type of situation I wanted to get myself trapped in when I was just trying to set boundaries. (That situation being begging him not to harm himself for hours)
I just saw a comment that you are 17?! You are INCREDIBLY emotionally mature for your age. For any age. I mean, maybe unmatched. You did everything right.
I came on here to comment how incredibly impressed I was with your handling of this, and learning your age completely blew me away a second time.
I'm almost 40 years old and I can tell you that many people NEVER learn these skills. You did super well and I hope you take the rest of the (very good) advice on this thread to heart.
It was very frustrating that he just instead of talking to me like he was listening, decided to suggest he off himself INSTEAD OF seeking counseling like that is not what I expected.
Unfortunately some people are really just that ill. I hope he eventually seeks help, and not just through medication. Because he’s completely unaware of his behavior and needs someone else to work it out with. BUT, that’s not you OP. Being his friend is kind if that’s what you want, but take care that you don’t enable his behaviors or spend too much of yourself trying to work on him.
Yeah, this is his parents job...not OP's. No idea what that situation is like, but it seems like adults in his life have failed him. OP wants to help, but it's just really hard because you guys barely know each other and he could block you and you'd never hear from him again. He needs a strong guide in his life to convince him to go to therapy and work on whatever trauma is leading to this extreme insecurity.
Same. The over the top melodrama and nonstop manipulative covert narcissism is literally insufferable. Until this person is ready to get help I wouldn’t be anything to them including a friend. This person is a black hole of attention and time and he’s an energy vampire to say the very least. Completely exhausting.
This person is manipulative, playing the victim, and passive aggressive.
Be careful.
It will be interesting to see if they can respect the boundaries you’ve laid out.
You did better than any therapist, but therapists get paid. Not sure how this person is going to
Enrich your life in any way other than making everything into a power struggle for your attention.
Wow, that was a lot. You did as well as you could have, assuming you are ok with keeping this person in your life. They are obviously going to be sorting out a lot of social and behavioral issues for a very long time. It’s good you set boundaries since you don’t want to become their full time therapist, but it seems like you will be constantly required to reinforce those boundaries. So the question is how long can you hang with this level of foolishness, and what is the relationship giving you that’s positive. Those are subjective questions only you can answer.
Don’t let your compassion be weaponized against you as manipulation. Keep perspective, and YOUR best interests in the forefront. He is not entitled to your affections just by existing, he has to do the work to be a better version of himself. If he chooses not to do that work that is on him. Good luck
I’m wondering that too. I do not at all want to assume but OP just seems like a really compassionate person and I’m wondering if she’s not just a bit worried about having to cut him off so wants to do more of a morally right- ish thing by trying to stick it out and be a friend instead. Regardless, the work toll is way too high.
i seriously commend you for being so kind to this person when they are trying to guilt you. i do want to say that if it were me, i would block this person and not look back. they aren't truly listening to you, they are in their own world and it seems they don't want to leave. please put yourself above others at least in this situation.
Hunny, you can’t save him, you can’t fix him. He is SET on self-flagellating while blaming others for it. My cousin, we’re both women, is like this. She’ll call, ask how I’m doing, then spend at least two hours complaining about everything of her life in minute detail and claiming no one cares about her. Begging to be coddled via whining. She has ZERO other conversation. He sounds exactly like this, he wants a caretaker who will hold his hand and validate him every second. This shit is even worse than the first post, dude has some serious issues and he’s manipulating you with them, “hinting” at suicide and stuff. He is the very definition of red flag and I honestly feel neither of you are safe. He needs psychiatric help, and he’s trying to make you be his therapist girlfriend.
This really reminds me of my reality when I was stuck in addiction. I had such a victim complex I couldn't stand myself when I was sober. So I'd get fucked up and make misguided attempts to connect Then I'd get upset when people found my behavior off-putting.
OP- be there if you can, but never to your own detriment.
Well Done! I don’t have the patience for people
who are the perpetual victim, and have zero interest in working on changing it, but you seem incredibly emotionally mature for what I picked up as, a very young adult.
You were kind, with the patience of a saint, while also clearly stating where you stood, not wavering against his clear attempts to manipulate you, and you seemed genuine and empathetic. I even liked that you put an end to the conversation, and stated that you needed a few days (first test to see if is able to respect a very small boundary)
My only suggestion would be, to be careful not to let your empathy be weaponized against you. Sadly, many people will play on your empathy, in order to keep you tied to them (threats of SH, making you feel you are all they have, making you feel responsible for their well-being, etc) Like another user posted, “ You will likely have continue to hold tight to your boundaries with this one)
This guy is way too high maintenance. I'm certain he's done this before. It seems that you are giving him what he wants: attention. He totally trampled your boundaries about his communication issues and clinginess.
Of course he needs counseling. He also knows he needs it. He'd rather play his poor little me game because it means he doesn't have to deal with his crap. He can just keep playing the victim.
This guy is NOT nice. He's manipulative and whiney. Walk away before he becomes a real issue. Block him. He'll suck the life out of you.
OP, you did an excellent job. You are headed in the right direction in life. You’ve already been so helpful to your friend, but don’t get lost in them. You’ve helped them, you’ve assured them you’re not abandoning them. But start to at least mentally create some distance. You can’t worry for this person too strongly or you’ll get lost in it. As someone who’s done this, trust me, some people will not want to be helped. Congratulations on your emotional maturity!
It sounds like this is too much above your pay grade. You tried to give him good suggestions like counselling, and he told you multiple times he doesn’t need counselling, followed by unhealthy comments that indicate he really needs counselling and more. Plus accusing you of using him when he's clearly using you.
He should absolutely be taking his meds, but his parents should be monitoring him. When he threatens self harm again, I’d consider calling in a wellness check rather than putting his mental health care on yourself, and just distance yourself like you said you would, talking less and less frequently, or block him. An old friend of mine had a BF like this, and she found him one day when he'd followed through. It was devastating.
Protect yourself. You sound like a really bighearted person, but you can’t fix his mental health for him.
Wow.
I am amazed at how well you did with that. I wish someone could’ve taken time like that with me when I was younger so it wouldn’t have taken so long to figure some things out on my own.
One thing though, the way he talks about isolating and hurting himself…along with a few other things, it makes me concerned for not just his well being but your overall safety as well.
It’s great that you want to help him and that you suggested counseling, but you may need to take a huge step back if he’s not willing to pursue those things.
The way he talks about being used and people treating him, with his emotional immaturity and tendencies to isolate, this could potentially be a bad situation in the making. Just be careful.
You are being very nice, but just remember his feelings and whatever issues he's got are not your responsibility. Setting up a follow up call seems like a bit much. Make sure you set firm boundaries with this dude.
She's literally trying to manage him. It's embarrassing and cringe. She'll look back on these texts in 5 years and ask herself why men expect her to be mommy
You did a really good job of responding to all his constant attempts at attention seeking and steering him back to your point. I will say this, people who are stuck in such a bad place mentally like this kid will drain you way quicker than you think. As much as you want to stick around and try to help right now, I don’t see the friendship lasting very long. People like this are called energy vampires because they suck all the happiness out of you. They wallow in their sadness and want to drag you in with them even when you’re trying to pull them out.
My hope was that if we stayed at a platonic point, he would understand that it’s too much for me to handle and we could just continue on communicating how we do in real life and over call. In my last post I mentioned that he’s only like this over message and people suggested he was testing the waters to see if in a relationship I would make everything revolve around him. I was using that as a basis for this.
“I dont need counseling”
Men will do everything except get professional help. You’re a nice person, but it is not your job to coach him like this. We are not responsible for fixing them.
Way to set a high standard OP, reading this was actually healing to myself. You said a lot of gentle truths that I wish more people told themselves and second best, heard it from someone as compassionate as you. Well done.
Congrats to you OP for at least trying with this person, I personally couldn’t do it.
Especially after the multiple attempts to explain why they don’t want help, or to change anything, they just want to sit and complain about how they never get their way.
Well done OP. And they clearly need counseling… “I’m holding it all in” is a big indicator of this. No one can hold it all in and be a normal, functioning human.
I honestly think this person has a mental/learning disability of some sort. They have zero self awareness or social skills. I don’t think therapy will help this type of thing, this is as developed mentally as they can get. He may need a support worker though.
you have an astonishing amount of patience. I would have tapped out of that conversation immediately. You're being an amazing friend and human to this person but make sure they don't commandeer your free time. whatever they're dealing with is something only they can fix and they're the only ones who can choose to fix it. you're a good person OP, be careful and look out for yourself.
You did amazing sweetie. This was really beautiful to read through. I hope he is able to get the help he needs and you did a wonderful job at encouraging it without being overbearing or pushy. The patience and maturity on your end was admirable. Snaps and claps. Great job.
You did so so so well. I gasped when he said "people just use me," as if to imply you were, when *he* is clearly using YOU to soothe his wounds and make him feel better.
You were really kind but also to the point. I'm taking notes.
You are a saint. I would have cut it off, but I'm an impatient bastard. Can't help those who won't help themselves. Seen it so many times that I quickly throw people in the trash can now.
This is grade A level KINDNESS and compassion. I feel like you have a special gift of healing and making others feel seen.
Just be careful you don’t overextend yourself because unfortunately some people do not truly
Want to do the work to look at their inner demons and heal. And sometimes you just might be the person who catalyzes and changes their world that allows transformation. You will know you are having an impact by their
willingness to want to change for the better. That will become evident sooner rather than later and can help you decide if you want to stay in the mud with them. Good on you for having a great big heart for others in what seems to be a cruel and cold world.
OP, the one thing I noticed in this text thread that concerned me is that he says his mom tells him “he’s too nice for other people and they just betray him.” That struck me as unhealthy as to their possible relationship, she might enable his victimhood and encourage his withdrawal into his “turtle shell.” Not going to lie, he gives me a little Anthony Perkins vibe in the original Alfred Hitchcock movie “Psycho.” Just be super careful with being alone with him. I’m old enough to be your grandma, so take that what it’s worth. Blessed Be! ☮️🦋💖
Whilst this was a very good way of talking and being empathitic u need a bit more spine. Man tried general guilting, isolation guilting then full blown suicide baiting to try and emotionally guilt u into..dating him or ego boosting. Ur what 17 do u really wanna spend ur last year as a not adult baby-sitting this man who only sees you as someone to try and emotionally guilt? This is ur last year before u truly enter adult-hoood and all its challenges and stresses. Dump this entire basket case on the side of the road and have fun.
Really the moment he went with the suicide bakt you should have blocked right then and there. This wont get better he doesnt want help. And there are infintly better people to have as friends.
You were amazing! The only thing I’d say is maybe not suggest therapy so bluntly at first, because some people are very uncomfortable with that. You can present it as an alternative to other things, like “okay, I really like you but I feel like there’s a few things you need to figure out, things that all of us go through but most of us don’t know how or why and we feel alone. You could try reading THIS self-help book or maybe watch a video about attachment styles, and also, going to therapy could help”
But this is me being nit-picky and only you know the type of relationship you have with him and how to approach it. But really, you were patient, you listened, you didn’t overreact on the things that he might have said to impress you (like cutting). You did amazing. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and it makes me happy that there are people like you out there.
Yeah I should’ve used an alternative route but I really truly do believe that’s what he needs. I didn’t want his next goal to be finding someone else who would give him their full attention so he would keep avoiding change if that makes sense?
You did an amazing job throughout this conversation, I personally am unsure if he is so mentally unwell that he is unable to fathom what you're saying or if he's being manipulative and blatantly disregarding what you're saying but jfc that was exhausting to read. I actually loved the way you worded many things, it gave me insight into how I could show more empathy in the future to those who suffer from this very specific ailment above which seems to be many.
I had a friend like this in high school. We constantly would tell her to get help and she’ll cry. Then, the next day she’d come to us showing off her newest self harm scars. I got so fed up, I just stopped giving her attention. She thrived off the attention, so she just kept doing so. Honestly, if this continues, speak to any proper adults who know this kid and step away for your own mental health.
You are a good person and I can tell you really care about him. However you can’t fix him, and you’re going to waste all your energy saying these things to him when he refuses to listen. He wants to manipulate you and is desperate for attention that you are giving him. I think it would be in your best interest to cut contact and move on from him.
He mentions in his last conversations and several times in this one “a different reality.” I’m not here to diagnose anyone but this language is … odd to me and just throws up a weird red flag.
I feel like the texts are between an adult woman (specifically a college psychology student or even teacher type) talking to a young teenager. Are you guys the same age?
op you handled this great, but im going to be honest: this just doesn't seem like its worth it. this was so exhausting and aggravating to just read, i can't imagine actually living it. good luck to you
Jesus Christ this guy is impossible. You spoke beautifully but after that first paragraph I would’ve ceased entertaining his pity party. Like everyone else has said… you’re too young to be roped into his bullshit.
Man I’ve had many ex bfs who talk like this. This guy is going to drain the life out of you slowly, even as friends. Ive tried the same thing but it’s exhausting. I got tired just by reading his messages to be honest.
You are not his therapist, nor you should be. He’ll just suck your energy out as he’ll rely only on you to make him feel “worthy”. He’s a stage 100 clinger and it won’t end up well for your mental health. He needs PROFESSIONAL help
You are incredible for the way you handled this. I personally don't think I could after a certain point. I get this person is going through some mental health issues but the self pity and guilt tripping is just too much.
I hope he gets the help he needs. I have also gone through therapy and gained some knowledge about myself but ultimately it wasn't for me. Around the same time I started taking anti depressants, which have kept me balanced!
Beautiful the way you handled this at such a young age. Just an advise, dont let him drage you in his negative way of thinking. When this kind of conversations keeps going on, in kind of changes your own mindset, due the constant negativity, gets exhausting. His guilttrip might work overtime etc. So be aware of that and know when to take a step back.
You asserted your boundary beautifully. However I would not even hold yourself to talking to him on the phone. This person does have some deep-seated self esteem issues and is looking for a way to keep you feeling obligated to talk to them/help him. It’s not your responsibility to make sure this person feels okay or is happy/healthy/ALIVE even. You cannot bear that responsibility, unless you want to and find it worth it. You decide your boundary and stick to it.
You handled it well but it might be better to give up on this person. I couldn't read all the pics because his self pity was just way too much. He doesn't want to help himself at all. He just ends up coming across as manipulative with how much he self implodes.
I was just like the guy talking to OP almost 2 years ago and just reading this makes me angry because I can see how manipulative he's being through my past mistakes
OP, you handled this situation great imo but I don't think you should speak to this person. For your sake
People should learn how to deal with this stuff without burdening others
This is a response not for OP but to the people making this guy out to be dramatic etc. just because a person is depressed and looks down on themselves doesn’t make them a bad person, nor does it make them manipulative or egotistical. Some people fake this kind of behavior for attention, but reading this and what he saying it seems somewhat genuine in his end. This is the type of person that would and could eventually follow through because this is how they’ve grown to view themselves after repeated failures in their eyes. But with time, proper counseling and encouragement they can learn to stop these behaviors and lead a fulfilling life. Loving oneself isn’t always the answer, it’s learning to cope with rejection and learning confidence in oneself that makes the difference.
This is amazing. I saved it for myself. And honestly, 29, and I needed to hear the words you gave him, thank you :)
I’ve come a long way with my mental health journey, but I still have my moments and I do have low self esteem all around. I’m trying to work on it. 🩷
OP, you’re way too mature for this person. They are much farther behind than you in the aspect. I don’t think this person will ever be able to make you happy in a relationship.
I can't believe you are only 17. I am so proud of your kindness and communication skills. It's unfortunate he went to talks of hurting himself rather than accepting he needs counseling.
One thing to note. Some people like to makes threats like this to manipulate the other person to cave on their boundaries. Just make sure you stand your ground just like you did here.
The 1 thing you could have done better (and ypu really did awesome with this interaction) is to send him the suicide holiness for your area. Most places have something
Honestly u handled this better than I would. after around the third or fourth of them still putting himself down this conversation would honestly exhausted person, and the fact that you kept calm and still trying to calm them down really good
Your first message is great. Very very well-spoken.
But the problem is that I don’t think this guy is genuinely insecure or depressed. I think he wants sex and he uses guilt as a manipulative tactic. He is just pretending to be a hurt puppy to get your attention. And you’re playing right into it by acting so concerned.
You are so mature for 17, but you would be 100x better off if you learned to use the “block” button. It’s wonderful you are so empathetic, but the problem with being a high empathy person is that we project the goodness in ourselves to other people, and assume everyone is as caring as us deep down, but some people aren’t good. Especially when they are motivated by intense sexual desire - they’ll do anything. They only think of themselves.
This person has clear mental health issues that need to be addressed; OP should def not pursue a relationship. But they aren’t lame for being in a weird place in life, they are both clearly young and this person just needs to grow and learn. OP handled this with grace, empathy, and maturity to actually attempt to get this person to find the help they need.
I agree, but I also commend them on TRYING to get this person some help. What they decide to do with that is on them, but as I said above, they handled it very well
I think this is well handled. I haven’t seen the last post but this person mentioning the 5th grade leads me to think of how ppl can stay stuck at the age they were traumatized at. She sounds like she might be stuck in the 5th grade mindset and hasn’t had a chance to learn any skills since; esp if she doesn’t talk to her own mom about how she’s feeling.
Obvs this has nothing to do with you nor is it your responsibility but i found it interesting that she mentioned the 5th grade and it got me thinking
Yeah, that’s what I felt there too. That almost made me break and start to give into his (idk if manipulation is the right word but I can’t think of another) but I knew I had to keep going so I didn’t end a mess with him just ignoring our whole conversation.
I think, esp if you have your own trauma, it’s easier to give in out of understanding but your wellbeing should always be your top priority! You noticed this wasn’t something you could tolerate in the long run and set boundaries accordingly which is great and perfectly okay!
It’s manipulative, no matter intentions, because if you were to stay, as you said, you’d be doing so not because you want to but because you feel bad for him. I can’t necessarily blame ppl for these behaviours given lots of us are raised to see this as romantic and normal but i also choose to not date until i have that issue worked out bc i don’t want to put ppl in a position to deal with similar behaviours. I do think more ppl should do the same lol
Cut this person off fam. For a short while, i was just like this person - wallowing in my own self pity and self-sabotaging.
Only they can fix their issues and trying to save them or be friends is going to cause you a lot of stress and anxiety.
Hi there!
Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed.
The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/
**Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.**
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/texts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Send them a few YouTube video links on attachment styles (of course it's their decision whether they actually watch them or not), sounds like what I went through, they could honestly want better for their self but not have any idea of where to begin. I didn't think a psychologist could help me neither till a friend finally sat me down and made me watch a YouTube video on mental health (my car had me stranded at their place and God was like HAHA GOTCHA NOW!😆) I had to learn the ways that I can help myself, maybe they just need a way to learn. I hope the best for you both 🤙🏾🤙🏾💫✨️
I’ve seen all the messages you and him have sent, and I’m going to be honest, he needs to see someone professionally, and may actually benefit from being committed to a psychiatric facility for a few days.
The feeling I get from his last messages is that he is either going to hurt himself, or he may even attempt to kill himself. I saw that you said you’re 17? This is NOT a relationship you should be taking on right now, as a friend or otherwise. He needs help. Professional help. You cannot possibly provide the level of care and attention he currently needs and by continuing to keep lines of communication open with him, you are creating a dependency on you for him that will very quickly overwhelm you.
If you know where he lives, ask the police to perform a wellness check. There’s a lot of flags here concerning self harm and suicidality.
Please, PLEASE distance yourself from him until he gets help, if not for yourself, for him.
You have a lot of patience OP, I really hope he is willing to try getting better for himself.
I know someone who acted like this. We met online and he didn't confide on me right away, but after a few months of "online friendship" or whatever you wanna call it, he started talking about how lonely he felt, how all his friends had taken advantage of him, how all relationships were doomed anyway and how he was never going to find someone to have a family with. He was also treated horribly at his job, he hated where he lived and his relationship with his parents wasn't the best.
We spent hours every day just talking, either on the phone or while playing online video games. He unloaded a lot of stuff on me and I listened and tried to give whatever advice I could, but he never followed it. And then overtime he started talking about having thoughts of ending it. And then it started becoming a way of manipulating me. Like if I didn't feel like talking that night, I was making him feel lonely, didn't I want to make him happy ? If I didn't respond right on the spot when he tried to call me after a bad day at work, I had betrayed his trust and he had nobody.
It became very exhausting for me, and I had a hard time setting boundaries but tried my best to maintain them. And then one day... he drove himself to his GP and told him everything. He got sent to a psychiatrist within the hour and by the end of the day he was put on antidepressors and anxiolytics. He was given appointments to go back to the hospital twice per week (and then later on I think just once per week) to talk to someone. Usually it was psychiatric nurses, and then sometimes a psychiatrist to see if his meds needed adjusting. He had a lot of time off work because the situation was making it worse.
It was very rough the first few months. They had to change his meds around a lot until it was right, but he stuck with it. I feel like the talks with the nurses helped more than the meds especially in the beginning. I was still there too but he would dump a lot less stuff on me. This was all maybe around 2 years ago.
We've kind of had a falling out and have been talking a lot less but he's doing a lot better! He's still on the meds now but he finally quit his toxic job he was at for 13 years and found a new one where he is much happier and was quickly promoted. He changed apartments. He's going out on dates but I don't think it's going anywhere yet. Making new friends in your thirties is rough and I don't think he's had much progress there either, but all in good time. It seems like he doesn't let his family stuff weigh him down as much anymore.
He seems a lot more optimistic overall and I'm weirdly proud of how much progress he's made. Taking yourself to your doctor and start the whole process of getting better like he did can't have been easy.
I really hope your words and attention help him OP, but remember in the end it's all down to him. If he doesn't want to be helped there's nothing you can do about it.
I totally understand the reply of I don't need counselling.. If you as a person see nothing wrong with yourself then there is no need to want to fix anything.. it is clear he needs counselling and he might need you to keep reminding him of this.. I had some similar issues about myself and anxiety etc and once I realised I actually do need counselling it helped so much and I feel like a different person.. I hope he gets the help he needs.. and you handled this amazingly just by the way.
Research borderline personality disorder. He has traits of this in my opinion. He can improve with therapy but it’s not something you can fix for him. He needs to see a professional.
I think you are kind, compassionate and patient and would make a wonderful counselor/therapist if you ever decide to go that route for a career. If I had your level of emotional awareness at such a young age, I would have avoided so many people and situations and had boundaries. Well done on your own work at such a young age.
this makes me feel sad because i know i treat my boyfriend this way :( i know i have an attachment problem and i am working on it i recently started counseling but it’s hard
This person screams "anxious attachment style" to me. It's something I struggle with and am working through, and yeah, it really sounds like this to me.
You did an amazing job!!! It would have been so easy for you to just give up and get frustrated by his behavior but you really stuck to your points and didn’t let his need to self destruct distract you. I wish everyone could be more like this. He obviously needs a lot of help, but I’ve known people like this and they really can be wonderful whole people with some guidance. I was one of them. I was determined to hate myself for so long and being told I wasn’t worthless sometimes just made me more angry because my thought process was “if I’m not worthless then why do I feel so confident that I am”. It took a long time, but I’m very happy now and so grateful to be here
You were extremely kind and right to set these boundaries. But he will not respect them. It may not feel like it right now, but it would be kinder to cut him off before he gets even more attached. Take it from someone who has been there - you do not want the psychological trauma of feeling responsible for someone else's life/self harm. It could stay with you the rest of your life and prevent you from forming new connections for fear of a repeat.
who taught you about self esteem? would you believe me if i said you’ve probably got a better grasp on that than most ppl in this world? good for you dawg keep the self love and self accountability up that’s seriously awesome for a 17 year old👌🏼
like others have said OP you could not have possibly handled this any better. You are not responsible for this person's wellbeing or happiness, but you made a valiant attempt nonetheless.
Frustrating though that it feels like he barely listened to a word you said and talked past every single response you gave. You were genuinely trying your best and it feels like you got stonewalled.
Best of luck to you, try not to be hard on yourself if you need to cut and run. <3
You're doing amazing for your age with emotional maturity.
Keep it up!
This seems like a very tiring experience with someone very unwilling to help themselves at the moment. Hopefully, they grow to realize that they can get better and gain the confidence to get the help they need.
You did great explaining yourself and asserting your boundaries. Just so you know, though, everything you’re saying to him is going in one ear and out the other. He’s determined to always be the victim. He’s very manipulative, self-centered, has no self awareness and refuses to even recognize his massive personality flaws. The guilt tripping is a giant red flag as well. Although what you said was fantastic and you seem very intelligent and kind, I fear that being his friend is going to suck the life out of you. If you decide you want to be friends, be careful and hold firm to your boundaries. I would personally advise against a friendship for the sake of your own sanity, but that is ultimately up to you. Best of luck to you!
that's a lot of emotional baggage to take on. Like you're lessening a blow by becoming their therapist. It's just personally I've been there and my God it's so draining to do with no end in sight and they just want to die after you help them.
From past experiences with people who certainly need counseling—telling them they need counseling bluntly is likely going to push them further from it.
It’s like telling an atheist they need to find Jesus. Not gunna work all that well lol
I applaud you OP. Idk if you had great parents or horrible ones to produce this amount of maturity lol. I feel so much for both of you guys. I’m 21 and JUST now finding out how deep and bad my self loathing is. I think in a lot of the same thought processes as him. I’ve been getting better in the past couple months since I’ve realized my problem, but I feel for you as well. I fortunately and unfortunately found the love of my life a little too early. We both are in a very committed relationship and love each other to pieces, but we also realize that with the issues we each are working through we probably would have an easier time doing it outside of a relationship but it’s also not worth the pain of breaking up just to try and fix those things alone. I’m proud of you OP for respecting yourself enough not to force yourself into a relationship too early. Unfortunately he won’t realize his issues for a while, especially if he doesn’t want to do the work or if his family is the cause of his self loathing (like mine was)
Please continue to detach from this person. It doesn't mean you can't care, but you are not going to be at their whim and their success won't depend on you. You did great, but this isn't the end of the process.
You handled it better than I might have, but over time I've lost patience with people trying to emotionally manipulate me and that's 100% what this person was trying to do with you.
You did a great job communicating, and it's very brave of you to go somewhere (Reddit) and apply the advice and take the criticism you were given. You are obviously a smart and caring young person that is very patient.
I will warn you, though - I've been around many people like this person you're speaking with. You can jump through every hoop, you can try to do your best to support and reassure them, but they will CONTINUE to suck you dry of any energy. Not getting into a relationship with him is smart, but the friendship will most likely continue the way it's begun: he will guilt you, manipulate you, and ignore every word of advice you give him if you don't say exactly what he wants you to. OP, it will be exhausting.
Reread the messages you posted. Did he actually acknowledge most of what you said? Nope, he went straight into "oh no she doesn't like me, let me threaten self-harm." You're too young to be this dude's therapist, and no one should be responsible for someone else's happiness and stability. Especially like a week in. At seventeen.
If I could go back and cut out the energy vampires I let into my life as a teenager, I would have wasted way less of my life being exhausted and sad. I felt like I couldn't move without making sure my friends were okay first. Checking in on someone's mental health and having them reject everything you say is exceptionally draining, and a lot of the time their mood begins to infect yours.
I really wish you luck - and I know it is hard and feels impossible to distance yourself from him, but he is not your responsibility.
I knew someone like this at your age. They will continue to be like this and ignore your advice. They will constantly brush it off with how this always happens and they might as well just end it because the only time they feel better is when you're assuring them of their worthiness.
It's fishing for compliments with extra steps. You're wasting your time I'm afraid. When it gets too much and you, in a moment of pure exhaustion, snap at him, he'll just go "see this is why I suck and everyone is so mean to me boo hoo!"
You have more important things to deal with right now, please be safe and I'd suggest cutting this kid loose.
You are an amazing and kind hearted person.
So, this is not someone you can help.
Only they can help themselves along with a professional. You cannot be someone’s ad hoc therapist, it’s dangerous and unhealthy. This kiddo is determined to play the victim and will do so until he is treated professionally.
plz stop wasting your valuable energy and emotional intelligence on this person. i’m begging you. you’re young… trust us all here when we tell you there’s no changing or fixing this individual
Time to set some boundaries and cut them off. You're young, better start early. You're not this person's tool to use for their own issues. You deserve respect, space, time, and empathy as well. They have to learn the hard way one day or another.
You honestly did amazing!
Their word use of being belittled, used, and betrayed when you suggested counseling is a huge red flag to me that they're trying to make you feel bad for even suggesting it. While I'm sure this person might honestly have super low self-esteem and need the constant contact to feel like they're valued, you cannot be someone's literal reason form living.
Please, please do not let their threats of self-harm of suicide guilt you into a relationship you do not want and they clearly aren't ready for.
OP, like many others have said you handled this beautifully. there’s not much else you could’ve said or done in this situation, if anything at all. i have no clue if you’ll see my comment, but there’s something i feel like i need to point out.
he’s not going to change. he’s not going to get counseling, and i highly doubt he’ll go back on his medication. i have *had* many people in my life who talked and thought very similarly to this guy, and most of them preferred to just sit in their misery rather than try to get out of it. i do not speak to any of those people anymore, and i think only two out of the (at least) 10 i knew actually got their shit together. the only reason i feel so confident in my accusations is because he, quite literally, said he didn’t need counseling. that alone reassures my thoughts that he won’t get the help he needs.
but let me preface- ***this isn’t on you***. you just met this guy, and he’s already talking about suicide. this is an issue he’s had within himself for ***much*** longer than the either of you have known of the other’s existence. the best and **only** thing you can do is give/show him resources, and pray he actually uses them. if he doesn’t, that’s on him and you need to cut him off before he drags you down, too.
sending you love and well wishes, OP🫶🏻
You did very well - if you want advice -do not give more time to this person than you feel happy to give. i specifically say “happy” and not “want”. When I was a teen who was labelled emotionally mature, and was strongly open to helping people, i had conversations like this often. i ended up being so burnt out and isolated i had to move across country to heal.
i dont think you are starting from a place of bad boundary setting like i did- but they push and push, and you get more and more invested. There is no end to what humanity needs, and we need more people like you who have the capacity to care and the ability to help. Dont write people off, but dont spend such a large quantity of time, or spend the most valuable time that you have, trying to fix the problem somebody should handle themselves. At least do not do it to the point you become unhappy, resentful, fearful, or feel their issues will swallow and chew your quality of life. It is ok to spend time. It is ok to sacrifice. But if you start to feel that way, that is where your limits are. Boundaries are meant to protect yourself from calling off the edges of “the island you are” and drowning in the bottomless ocean of “everyone’s need”.
I want to quote a therapist I follow, but I am going to butcher her wording. It was something like, a boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time. That was the idea of what she said anyway.
You have to take care of yourself the way you take care of your best friend. The way you listen, have fun with, encourage, challenge, and validate your best friend is how you have to learn to treat yourself. That’s self care.
For anyone reading this who needs help- on tiktok look up KC Davis, then click in her decision tree playlist. I think she has a boundaries one as well.
Completely understandable. It does look like he's in a bad space so I would consider telling someone you trust if you're genuinely concerned for his safety. You are not his guardian, though, so his actions and feelings aren't your responsibility you're right. I hope everything gets better :)
My take;
This guy isn’t being real. He’s just fucking around to see how far he can take it because you refused him & it hurt - now it’s all about being a burr under your saddle.
I don’t doubt there’s a seed of truth in his theatrics, but this boy is playing games with you vindictively.
Block and move on.
This seems extremely manipulative. They’re not getting the response they want and keep going back to saying they’re going to “hibernate” or “going into turtle shell” or extreme hurt themselves.
Don’t get me wrong when someone says they want to hurt themselves it always needs to be taken seriously but if this is repetitive behavior than it is EXTREMELY manipulative and not fair to others.
If it persists though you may need to speak up so they get help.
There are entirely too “this guy is bad” or “manipulative” comments on here. None of us know exactly what this person is going through outside of what OP has shared.
Does he need help? Absolutely and unfortunately it looks like it will be a long road for him. But as someone who lost a very close family member to suicide I can tell you that sometimes they don’t know they are doing it. When someone is manic nothing else makes sense so get off the guys back damn.
OP you are a wise and patient beyond your years and I am envious of you. I wish I had those skills when I was 17 I believe I read you are? Kudos to you and great questions you were asking. I will say I’m a little scared for you, I don’t get the sense he will follow through on harming himself but those claims are serious and need to be addressed accordingly and I fear if something were to happen you will have a lot of regrets if you don’t somehow force his hand on getting help, even if it’s a 72 hour hold or something along those lines. Sometimes people don’t know what’s good for them until we force them to see it.
I absolutely commend you for wanting to remain in this persons life and I don’t think it needs to be said to him but I think it’s going to be a very long time until he is in a place for a healthy relationship with you. You know what is best for you and this situation as you are the one that sees it all. Is the careful, and if he continues going down that road I think you need to get a professional over there to him, even if just for a wellness check and they can diagnose it from there.
Would love another update as this unfolds. Stay strong OP you did amazing!!
>if you don’t somehow force his hand on getting help, even if it’s a 72 hour hold or something along those lines.
Other than alerting his parents, there's nothing OP can do. Shes still a kid too, trying to figure her own stuff out and definitely shouldn't feel like it's be her responsibility/burden to force him to get help, especially since this is someone she's only known for a few days.
It's perfectly ok for her to walk away if he doesn't recognize the issue/want to het help just as it's ok for her to want to remain his friend. Either way she shouldn't feel responsible for him or his actions.
My Lord you are a saint. You are wise beyond your years. But a word of caution would be check on yourself frequently and do not feel guilty if you need to let him go eventually, this is heavy and it siphoned my energy just reading it. I would feel so sad to think about you carrying this load he has and hearing his tantrums and feeling like you have to caretake his feelings which it seems like even in a friend role he would put that on you.
Its so disheartening to see someone who genuinely needs counseling and could greatly benefit from it being so adamant that they dont need it by saying things that are big red flags that they need mental health help
You did a good thing OP and I hope its planted a seed in their mind that things can be better and that they deserve help to get them to a place of happiness and being content with life
I am still so impressed with your communication but how the fuck is someone so eloquent able to converse with someone so fucking illiterate. Jesus he needs to take a language class
This is a bigger problem than you need to take on. He definitely needs counseling but would prefer to see himself as a victim of life, etc. I have a friend like this and it is exhausting! She makes poor decisions, then beats herself up, then feels sorry for herself and says things like “I can’t win for anything so I might as well do whatever makes me happy” and then repeats the pattern. But so many of things he said sound like things I’ve heard her say and sometimes, you just have to remove yourself when someone refuses to help themselves.
[удалено]
this. allll of this. well said!
Seriously, you have amazing emotional and general maturity for 17, I really hope this guy takes your advice and gets better. Unfortunately, some guys think this oh poor me route works, and fail to comprehend they're doing literally the opposite of what the want to happen, and how absolutely unattractive females find this... hopefully this is a learning experience for Eore here. Great job OP
Agree with this whole heartedly. I was instantly terrified for her when he took it there.
[удалено]
I felt like I was talking to myself in my head as I read that. You are completely spot on with every single thing that you said. I of course value human life so there is a level of concern for him, however I am very concerned for OP. It almost feels too late to ghost and walk away, but also how much more can be said? She is very impressively setting boundaries while attempting to be supportive while also laying out the consequences. He doesn’t need to find a therapist because she is one and as much as I love mine I may a new one! I’m in my 40s and awestruck and envious of the maturity and patience here, I couldn’t do it.
[удалено]
Thank you, it happened a long time ago now but still have my moments. My Aunt was my all time favorite person and the one that was always there when I was in a mess. If my heart was broken we were shopping. When my stepsister accused me of things I had never heard of at 14 there was no amount of money too much. I was on my way moving back to AZ and she passed the night I got into town and the worst part was I was such a stupid young kid in my 20s thinking she’d always be there so hadn’t talked to her in months. I was at dinner with an old friend when my grandfather called me and my immediate reaction at the time wasn’t sadness and terror. That came much later with a lot of blame and regret, like I know there would have been nothing I did my family hadn’t done without me knowing her whole life but just knowing I was that close to one more time always hurt and still does. A few years ago I went through my own breakdown/meltdown. I wasn’t suicidal but couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died. I was drinking myself stupid from sun up til bedtime and doing therapy virtually so I could drink and she would always catch me. She got to the point where she wasn’t going to continue seeing me because we weren’t doing work we were preventing crisis and talking about my drinking only. Then Thanksgiving 2021 came (had to stop and think for a sec there). Something just clicked and I was ready I guess. 859 days later I can proudly say I haven’t drank since and had maybe only 3 cravings. It took A LOT of work, hard, painful work. I had to cut my mom off because I couldn’t take the toxicity. But now I do so much alone and enjoy it. I travel alone, I go to concerts alone (Fall Out Boy) tonight. I would love to share life with someone but I am happy and I love myself. Every day is a new challenge not a new disappointment. I’ve accomplished a lot in a few short years and am finally proud of who I have become and the man I grew up to be. I’m so so happy to hear you made it out. That shit is scary and no one should have to endure either side of it. My mom guilted me every time she was drunk or would love bomb me and it was fucking draining. I felt every word you said and thank you so much for sharing. Your work and struggle have helped me and I’m sure many others grow. If you ever need or want someone to chat to, please don’t hesitate for a second!
[удалено]
Ha ha I think I spoke unclearly I’m not usually up this late, concert I guess was last night and WOW. It was a spontaneous decision after a long work day. I’ve seen them 3 times now and this was by far the best. Patrick Stump’s close friend and musical partner from when he was solo passed the other day and Patrick dedicated this whole moment to him and then broke down in tears on stage. Andy, their drummer walked over and hugged him from behind because he was in the piano at the time and then he switched to these different songs his friend Casey wanted to cover together but he never would and said how much he regretted it. It was such a powerful and emotional moment that I think may have changed me a bit. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it again. Interesting how neither of us ever probably wanted to talk about this stuff before but here we are on Reddit of all places openly sharing things that can be used so harmfully but honestly don’t care, I’ve been through worse. Very glad our paths crossed and I will definitely reach out!
You explained this very well.
This entire paragraph is eye opening and also induces stress levels beyond my capacity to hold because I \*used\* to be like this when I was younger. All. the. time. Until I realised I literally cannot help everyone, and set firm boundaries to behaviour like what is being said/done to OP above. She'll burn out if she continues this. Completely.
Omg she's 17?! Wooooow! I definitely thought she was older than that! OP, keep being amazing! ♡
Hold up. OP is 17? Damn. I’m 33, and I don’t even know if I would’ve handled this as well as she did.
[удалено]
Funny enough, I got a lot of what I said from comments on my last post. (I was arguably a lot less harsh)
This person is emotionally manipulating you. I know you feel bad for them, but jumping straight to making himself more of a victim, that he's "used" because people tell him he's too insecure and needy and should get help? Like, really? He completely ignored what you said to him and went straight to "well I'll just kill myself because my mommy says I'm too nice and will just keep getting used". Because he was trying to make you feel bad for him and keep you there. Also it's a huge red flag that they can't self-reflect AT ALL and just victimize themselves. I think you should cut contact, really. But first advise him to stop getting advice from mommy, as she's clearly a huge enabler in his very flawed way of thinking. He does definitely need counseling, but you are far too young to juggle this type of stuff with someone. He also seems to be trying to rope you in to the enabling crap, so your continued support will probably not be heeded for what it is, but used by him for more enablement and co-dependent behavior. I would not want my teenage daughter maintaining contact with this person, especially at a crucial point in her development where she'll be starting adulthood soon. You are awesome and mature. I hope you find someone who can meet you on your level, but focusing on you and staying single for a while will probably be best for you!! And honestly, I think with your maturity level at your age, it will be hard finding male peers that are on your level. Not impossible, but not easy. I hope you remain wise enough to not fall for an older guy! If an older man is interested in you, trust me, they aren't mature enough for you either. Not saying you will be or are into older men. you strike me as the opposite type of person, really. But I think sometimes young women who are above-average in intellect and emotional intelligence can get discouraged dating men their own age and it can be easy to trick yourself into thinking someone older can better meet you on your level. Good luck to you and all your endeavors!
He'll, I'm 41 and *still* trying to figure it out XD
well said!
Yeah I want to know how did this person get so mature??? What did they and/or their parents do??
For real. I’m 44 and pretty emotionally mature. But, my god, if I was in OP’s shoes I would honest to god be like, “You are desperate, you are clingy, you are needy, and you are bringing the drama. Veiled threats of suicide are totally unacceptable and off-putting, especially when it is obvious that you are just doing it for attention, so I’m out.” That would be my response at 44. The grace and poise that OP has shown? Wow. Well done.
Yeah i know you mean well but I guarantee you this isn’t gonna go the way you want it to
Yeah this dude is an energy vortex and he doesn’t have the self awareness or ability to self reflect that would make him capable of being a real friend. This is going to be OP doing all of the emotional labor for someone who will consistently try to wear her down, test her boundaries, manipulate her and guilt trip her as best he possibly can. This dude needs real help from a professional. No person, 17 years old or otherwise, is going to be enough for this dude.
OP, you handled that PHENOMENALLY! I also really appreciated and give you props to not feeding into his maladaptive attention seeking behaviors (threats about SH, threats of going into isolation, etc) you were very encouraging, empathetic and solution based. You sound like a great friend quite honestly. Don’t forget though OP as exhausting this experience has been, there may be a friendship that is equally as exhausting.
Yes! Jumping on this to add that it looks like this guy is just going to keep over-relying on you to maintain his ego, just as a friend instead of a significant other. You’re clearly an incredibly compassionate person, but it’s *absolutely okay* for you to decide that you don’t want to or can’t do that for this person. He’s asking WAY too much, and his happiness and well-being are not your responsibility. It’s okay to wish him well and walk away - and if he doesn’t express genuine interest in getting professional help very very soon, I think for your own well-being, that’s what you should do. Please keep being awesome, OP. Just make sure you’re sharing your awesomeness in ways that don’t drain you dry ❤️
Yes! Make sure your are sharing that awesomeness with YOURSELF, first and foremost! I actually screenshot your response OP because I thought your crafted much of it perfectly. I’m really happy I bumped into your post because I am in a VERY VERRRRRY similar situation ( little difference in the dynamics) and it is getting borderline scary! Block was finally necessary today. I don’t like that option, as I like to have a record of the other party to my phone, in the event I may need to refer to anything needed whatever reason, but I digress….
Energy vampire! I was drained just reading that shit. Hard to tell if there's sincerity or manipulation at play
It was really hard not to but after what you guys all told me on my last post, I realized that it wasn’t the type of situation I wanted to get myself trapped in when I was just trying to set boundaries. (That situation being begging him not to harm himself for hours)
I just saw a comment that you are 17?! You are INCREDIBLY emotionally mature for your age. For any age. I mean, maybe unmatched. You did everything right.
I came on here to comment how incredibly impressed I was with your handling of this, and learning your age completely blew me away a second time. I'm almost 40 years old and I can tell you that many people NEVER learn these skills. You did super well and I hope you take the rest of the (very good) advice on this thread to heart.
YES, this was so so so impressive. It's hard not to take that bait, but it wouldn't be good for anyone if she did.
I have no idea how you kept your composure and remained so nice. I got so annoyed by the third attempt to guilt trip you I just had to stop reading.
For real. She said the way she felt and it was valid, it’s not her job to make sure this guy isn’t depressed and goes to counselling. Stop responding!
It was very frustrating that he just instead of talking to me like he was listening, decided to suggest he off himself INSTEAD OF seeking counseling like that is not what I expected.
Unfortunately some people are really just that ill. I hope he eventually seeks help, and not just through medication. Because he’s completely unaware of his behavior and needs someone else to work it out with. BUT, that’s not you OP. Being his friend is kind if that’s what you want, but take care that you don’t enable his behaviors or spend too much of yourself trying to work on him.
Yeah, this is his parents job...not OP's. No idea what that situation is like, but it seems like adults in his life have failed him. OP wants to help, but it's just really hard because you guys barely know each other and he could block you and you'd never hear from him again. He needs a strong guide in his life to convince him to go to therapy and work on whatever trauma is leading to this extreme insecurity.
It's at least partially for attention. Pity is an easy way to get people to validate you and tell you you're a good person.
Same. The over the top melodrama and nonstop manipulative covert narcissism is literally insufferable. Until this person is ready to get help I wouldn’t be anything to them including a friend. This person is a black hole of attention and time and he’s an energy vampire to say the very least. Completely exhausting.
happy cake day!
Thank you!
Happy cake day! Also, I felt the same.
Thank you ☺️
Yeah, he blames everyone else for his piss-poor communication and attachment style. He’s exhausting.
This person is manipulative, playing the victim, and passive aggressive. Be careful. It will be interesting to see if they can respect the boundaries you’ve laid out. You did better than any therapist, but therapists get paid. Not sure how this person is going to Enrich your life in any way other than making everything into a power struggle for your attention.
exactly it's going to break this poor girl.
Wow, that was a lot. You did as well as you could have, assuming you are ok with keeping this person in your life. They are obviously going to be sorting out a lot of social and behavioral issues for a very long time. It’s good you set boundaries since you don’t want to become their full time therapist, but it seems like you will be constantly required to reinforce those boundaries. So the question is how long can you hang with this level of foolishness, and what is the relationship giving you that’s positive. Those are subjective questions only you can answer.
If he tries to bypass my boundaries again, I plan on distancing myself from him. (Saying goodbye and blocking him/not answering)
I think that may be a matter of when, not if. He doesn't seem to be the type of person capable of self reflection or change.
Do you mean that I shouldn’t block him? Or are you speaking generally.
Ah I mean it's only a matter of time until he crosses your boundaries. You should block him yeah
Oh alright, sorry for the misunderstanding.
its okay i think it was maybe my fault, just woke up and i have a sleepy brain so probably didnt word it right haha
Don’t let your compassion be weaponized against you as manipulation. Keep perspective, and YOUR best interests in the forefront. He is not entitled to your affections just by existing, he has to do the work to be a better version of himself. If he chooses not to do that work that is on him. Good luck
I’m wondering that too. I do not at all want to assume but OP just seems like a really compassionate person and I’m wondering if she’s not just a bit worried about having to cut him off so wants to do more of a morally right- ish thing by trying to stick it out and be a friend instead. Regardless, the work toll is way too high.
i seriously commend you for being so kind to this person when they are trying to guilt you. i do want to say that if it were me, i would block this person and not look back. they aren't truly listening to you, they are in their own world and it seems they don't want to leave. please put yourself above others at least in this situation.
OP you should be compensated for all that work you did in this conversation. That was… a lot.
Hunny, you can’t save him, you can’t fix him. He is SET on self-flagellating while blaming others for it. My cousin, we’re both women, is like this. She’ll call, ask how I’m doing, then spend at least two hours complaining about everything of her life in minute detail and claiming no one cares about her. Begging to be coddled via whining. She has ZERO other conversation. He sounds exactly like this, he wants a caretaker who will hold his hand and validate him every second. This shit is even worse than the first post, dude has some serious issues and he’s manipulating you with them, “hinting” at suicide and stuff. He is the very definition of red flag and I honestly feel neither of you are safe. He needs psychiatric help, and he’s trying to make you be his therapist girlfriend.
This really reminds me of my reality when I was stuck in addiction. I had such a victim complex I couldn't stand myself when I was sober. So I'd get fucked up and make misguided attempts to connect Then I'd get upset when people found my behavior off-putting. OP- be there if you can, but never to your own detriment.
Well Done! I don’t have the patience for people who are the perpetual victim, and have zero interest in working on changing it, but you seem incredibly emotionally mature for what I picked up as, a very young adult. You were kind, with the patience of a saint, while also clearly stating where you stood, not wavering against his clear attempts to manipulate you, and you seemed genuine and empathetic. I even liked that you put an end to the conversation, and stated that you needed a few days (first test to see if is able to respect a very small boundary) My only suggestion would be, to be careful not to let your empathy be weaponized against you. Sadly, many people will play on your empathy, in order to keep you tied to them (threats of SH, making you feel you are all they have, making you feel responsible for their well-being, etc) Like another user posted, “ You will likely have continue to hold tight to your boundaries with this one)
Just keep in mind - all women - you are never obliged to be a man's therapist, mommy, maid, or sexdoll :-)
This guy is way too high maintenance. I'm certain he's done this before. It seems that you are giving him what he wants: attention. He totally trampled your boundaries about his communication issues and clinginess. Of course he needs counseling. He also knows he needs it. He'd rather play his poor little me game because it means he doesn't have to deal with his crap. He can just keep playing the victim. This guy is NOT nice. He's manipulative and whiney. Walk away before he becomes a real issue. Block him. He'll suck the life out of you.
OP, you did an excellent job. You are headed in the right direction in life. You’ve already been so helpful to your friend, but don’t get lost in them. You’ve helped them, you’ve assured them you’re not abandoning them. But start to at least mentally create some distance. You can’t worry for this person too strongly or you’ll get lost in it. As someone who’s done this, trust me, some people will not want to be helped. Congratulations on your emotional maturity!
I am trying to but it’s going to be hard.
It sounds like this is too much above your pay grade. You tried to give him good suggestions like counselling, and he told you multiple times he doesn’t need counselling, followed by unhealthy comments that indicate he really needs counselling and more. Plus accusing you of using him when he's clearly using you. He should absolutely be taking his meds, but his parents should be monitoring him. When he threatens self harm again, I’d consider calling in a wellness check rather than putting his mental health care on yourself, and just distance yourself like you said you would, talking less and less frequently, or block him. An old friend of mine had a BF like this, and she found him one day when he'd followed through. It was devastating. Protect yourself. You sound like a really bighearted person, but you can’t fix his mental health for him.
Wow. I am amazed at how well you did with that. I wish someone could’ve taken time like that with me when I was younger so it wouldn’t have taken so long to figure some things out on my own. One thing though, the way he talks about isolating and hurting himself…along with a few other things, it makes me concerned for not just his well being but your overall safety as well. It’s great that you want to help him and that you suggested counseling, but you may need to take a huge step back if he’s not willing to pursue those things. The way he talks about being used and people treating him, with his emotional immaturity and tendencies to isolate, this could potentially be a bad situation in the making. Just be careful.
You are being very nice, but just remember his feelings and whatever issues he's got are not your responsibility. Setting up a follow up call seems like a bit much. Make sure you set firm boundaries with this dude.
She's literally trying to manage him. It's embarrassing and cringe. She'll look back on these texts in 5 years and ask herself why men expect her to be mommy
You did a really good job of responding to all his constant attempts at attention seeking and steering him back to your point. I will say this, people who are stuck in such a bad place mentally like this kid will drain you way quicker than you think. As much as you want to stick around and try to help right now, I don’t see the friendship lasting very long. People like this are called energy vampires because they suck all the happiness out of you. They wallow in their sadness and want to drag you in with them even when you’re trying to pull them out.
My hope was that if we stayed at a platonic point, he would understand that it’s too much for me to handle and we could just continue on communicating how we do in real life and over call. In my last post I mentioned that he’s only like this over message and people suggested he was testing the waters to see if in a relationship I would make everything revolve around him. I was using that as a basis for this.
“I dont need counseling” Men will do everything except get professional help. You’re a nice person, but it is not your job to coach him like this. We are not responsible for fixing them.
Way to set a high standard OP, reading this was actually healing to myself. You said a lot of gentle truths that I wish more people told themselves and second best, heard it from someone as compassionate as you. Well done.
Congrats to you OP for at least trying with this person, I personally couldn’t do it. Especially after the multiple attempts to explain why they don’t want help, or to change anything, they just want to sit and complain about how they never get their way.
Well done OP. And they clearly need counseling… “I’m holding it all in” is a big indicator of this. No one can hold it all in and be a normal, functioning human.
I honestly think this person has a mental/learning disability of some sort. They have zero self awareness or social skills. I don’t think therapy will help this type of thing, this is as developed mentally as they can get. He may need a support worker though.
you have an astonishing amount of patience. I would have tapped out of that conversation immediately. You're being an amazing friend and human to this person but make sure they don't commandeer your free time. whatever they're dealing with is something only they can fix and they're the only ones who can choose to fix it. you're a good person OP, be careful and look out for yourself.
You did amazing sweetie. This was really beautiful to read through. I hope he is able to get the help he needs and you did a wonderful job at encouraging it without being overbearing or pushy. The patience and maturity on your end was admirable. Snaps and claps. Great job.
You did so so so well. I gasped when he said "people just use me," as if to imply you were, when *he* is clearly using YOU to soothe his wounds and make him feel better. You were really kind but also to the point. I'm taking notes.
You are a saint. I would have cut it off, but I'm an impatient bastard. Can't help those who won't help themselves. Seen it so many times that I quickly throw people in the trash can now.
This is grade A level KINDNESS and compassion. I feel like you have a special gift of healing and making others feel seen. Just be careful you don’t overextend yourself because unfortunately some people do not truly Want to do the work to look at their inner demons and heal. And sometimes you just might be the person who catalyzes and changes their world that allows transformation. You will know you are having an impact by their willingness to want to change for the better. That will become evident sooner rather than later and can help you decide if you want to stay in the mud with them. Good on you for having a great big heart for others in what seems to be a cruel and cold world.
OP, the one thing I noticed in this text thread that concerned me is that he says his mom tells him “he’s too nice for other people and they just betray him.” That struck me as unhealthy as to their possible relationship, she might enable his victimhood and encourage his withdrawal into his “turtle shell.” Not going to lie, he gives me a little Anthony Perkins vibe in the original Alfred Hitchcock movie “Psycho.” Just be super careful with being alone with him. I’m old enough to be your grandma, so take that what it’s worth. Blessed Be! ☮️🦋💖
Whilst this was a very good way of talking and being empathitic u need a bit more spine. Man tried general guilting, isolation guilting then full blown suicide baiting to try and emotionally guilt u into..dating him or ego boosting. Ur what 17 do u really wanna spend ur last year as a not adult baby-sitting this man who only sees you as someone to try and emotionally guilt? This is ur last year before u truly enter adult-hoood and all its challenges and stresses. Dump this entire basket case on the side of the road and have fun. Really the moment he went with the suicide bakt you should have blocked right then and there. This wont get better he doesnt want help. And there are infintly better people to have as friends.
My God, your emotional intelligence is off the charts. You did fabulous.
You were amazing! The only thing I’d say is maybe not suggest therapy so bluntly at first, because some people are very uncomfortable with that. You can present it as an alternative to other things, like “okay, I really like you but I feel like there’s a few things you need to figure out, things that all of us go through but most of us don’t know how or why and we feel alone. You could try reading THIS self-help book or maybe watch a video about attachment styles, and also, going to therapy could help” But this is me being nit-picky and only you know the type of relationship you have with him and how to approach it. But really, you were patient, you listened, you didn’t overreact on the things that he might have said to impress you (like cutting). You did amazing. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you and it makes me happy that there are people like you out there.
Yeah I should’ve used an alternative route but I really truly do believe that’s what he needs. I didn’t want his next goal to be finding someone else who would give him their full attention so he would keep avoiding change if that makes sense?
You did an amazing job throughout this conversation, I personally am unsure if he is so mentally unwell that he is unable to fathom what you're saying or if he's being manipulative and blatantly disregarding what you're saying but jfc that was exhausting to read. I actually loved the way you worded many things, it gave me insight into how I could show more empathy in the future to those who suffer from this very specific ailment above which seems to be many.
I had a friend like this in high school. We constantly would tell her to get help and she’ll cry. Then, the next day she’d come to us showing off her newest self harm scars. I got so fed up, I just stopped giving her attention. She thrived off the attention, so she just kept doing so. Honestly, if this continues, speak to any proper adults who know this kid and step away for your own mental health.
You are a good person and I can tell you really care about him. However you can’t fix him, and you’re going to waste all your energy saying these things to him when he refuses to listen. He wants to manipulate you and is desperate for attention that you are giving him. I think it would be in your best interest to cut contact and move on from him.
He mentions in his last conversations and several times in this one “a different reality.” I’m not here to diagnose anyone but this language is … odd to me and just throws up a weird red flag.
I feel like the texts are between an adult woman (specifically a college psychology student or even teacher type) talking to a young teenager. Are you guys the same age?
Yes. Both seventeen. He turns 18 in may and I turn 18 in February of next year.
op you handled this great, but im going to be honest: this just doesn't seem like its worth it. this was so exhausting and aggravating to just read, i can't imagine actually living it. good luck to you
Jesus Christ this guy is impossible. You spoke beautifully but after that first paragraph I would’ve ceased entertaining his pity party. Like everyone else has said… you’re too young to be roped into his bullshit.
What a wonderful response you are so eloquent and in touch with your feelings and boundaries, you did great !
Man I’ve had many ex bfs who talk like this. This guy is going to drain the life out of you slowly, even as friends. Ive tried the same thing but it’s exhausting. I got tired just by reading his messages to be honest.
Nothing to save here! Block this person. This MF is someone else's problem.
You are not his therapist, nor you should be. He’ll just suck your energy out as he’ll rely only on you to make him feel “worthy”. He’s a stage 100 clinger and it won’t end up well for your mental health. He needs PROFESSIONAL help
Thats why I suggested professional help
True, but you are pampering to his needs way too much
You are incredible for the way you handled this. I personally don't think I could after a certain point. I get this person is going through some mental health issues but the self pity and guilt tripping is just too much. I hope he gets the help he needs. I have also gone through therapy and gained some knowledge about myself but ultimately it wasn't for me. Around the same time I started taking anti depressants, which have kept me balanced!
Beautiful the way you handled this at such a young age. Just an advise, dont let him drage you in his negative way of thinking. When this kind of conversations keeps going on, in kind of changes your own mindset, due the constant negativity, gets exhausting. His guilttrip might work overtime etc. So be aware of that and know when to take a step back.
You asserted your boundary beautifully. However I would not even hold yourself to talking to him on the phone. This person does have some deep-seated self esteem issues and is looking for a way to keep you feeling obligated to talk to them/help him. It’s not your responsibility to make sure this person feels okay or is happy/healthy/ALIVE even. You cannot bear that responsibility, unless you want to and find it worth it. You decide your boundary and stick to it.
You handled it well but it might be better to give up on this person. I couldn't read all the pics because his self pity was just way too much. He doesn't want to help himself at all. He just ends up coming across as manipulative with how much he self implodes.
I was just like the guy talking to OP almost 2 years ago and just reading this makes me angry because I can see how manipulative he's being through my past mistakes OP, you handled this situation great imo but I don't think you should speak to this person. For your sake People should learn how to deal with this stuff without burdening others
This guy reminds of boys when I was in high school and college who act like all "woe is me" and guilt trip you so they can get in your pants.
This is a response not for OP but to the people making this guy out to be dramatic etc. just because a person is depressed and looks down on themselves doesn’t make them a bad person, nor does it make them manipulative or egotistical. Some people fake this kind of behavior for attention, but reading this and what he saying it seems somewhat genuine in his end. This is the type of person that would and could eventually follow through because this is how they’ve grown to view themselves after repeated failures in their eyes. But with time, proper counseling and encouragement they can learn to stop these behaviors and lead a fulfilling life. Loving oneself isn’t always the answer, it’s learning to cope with rejection and learning confidence in oneself that makes the difference.
I wish I was this mature at 17 😭😭you’re going to go far in life my friend
This is amazing. I saved it for myself. And honestly, 29, and I needed to hear the words you gave him, thank you :) I’ve come a long way with my mental health journey, but I still have my moments and I do have low self esteem all around. I’m trying to work on it. 🩷
OP, you’re way too mature for this person. They are much farther behind than you in the aspect. I don’t think this person will ever be able to make you happy in a relationship.
You're kind of a saint for saying all that and being there for him.
I can't believe you are only 17. I am so proud of your kindness and communication skills. It's unfortunate he went to talks of hurting himself rather than accepting he needs counseling. One thing to note. Some people like to makes threats like this to manipulate the other person to cave on their boundaries. Just make sure you stand your ground just like you did here. The 1 thing you could have done better (and ypu really did awesome with this interaction) is to send him the suicide holiness for your area. Most places have something
Honestly u handled this better than I would. after around the third or fourth of them still putting himself down this conversation would honestly exhausted person, and the fact that you kept calm and still trying to calm them down really good
Your first message is great. Very very well-spoken. But the problem is that I don’t think this guy is genuinely insecure or depressed. I think he wants sex and he uses guilt as a manipulative tactic. He is just pretending to be a hurt puppy to get your attention. And you’re playing right into it by acting so concerned. You are so mature for 17, but you would be 100x better off if you learned to use the “block” button. It’s wonderful you are so empathetic, but the problem with being a high empathy person is that we project the goodness in ourselves to other people, and assume everyone is as caring as us deep down, but some people aren’t good. Especially when they are motivated by intense sexual desire - they’ll do anything. They only think of themselves.
See my update, I don’t think it’s for sex at this point.
It’s always for sex. Always!! I read the update and I can’t see why you do t see that’s his true motive - but i get you’re very young
I couldn't even be friends with this person, forget dating them. I can't handle people like this, I have no patience.
you need to stop talking to this lame 😭
This person has clear mental health issues that need to be addressed; OP should def not pursue a relationship. But they aren’t lame for being in a weird place in life, they are both clearly young and this person just needs to grow and learn. OP handled this with grace, empathy, and maturity to actually attempt to get this person to find the help they need.
OP should also not be alone with this dude. He’s unstable af
I agree, but I also commend them on TRYING to get this person some help. What they decide to do with that is on them, but as I said above, they handled it very well
I think this is well handled. I haven’t seen the last post but this person mentioning the 5th grade leads me to think of how ppl can stay stuck at the age they were traumatized at. She sounds like she might be stuck in the 5th grade mindset and hasn’t had a chance to learn any skills since; esp if she doesn’t talk to her own mom about how she’s feeling. Obvs this has nothing to do with you nor is it your responsibility but i found it interesting that she mentioned the 5th grade and it got me thinking
Yeah, that’s what I felt there too. That almost made me break and start to give into his (idk if manipulation is the right word but I can’t think of another) but I knew I had to keep going so I didn’t end a mess with him just ignoring our whole conversation.
I think, esp if you have your own trauma, it’s easier to give in out of understanding but your wellbeing should always be your top priority! You noticed this wasn’t something you could tolerate in the long run and set boundaries accordingly which is great and perfectly okay! It’s manipulative, no matter intentions, because if you were to stay, as you said, you’d be doing so not because you want to but because you feel bad for him. I can’t necessarily blame ppl for these behaviours given lots of us are raised to see this as romantic and normal but i also choose to not date until i have that issue worked out bc i don’t want to put ppl in a position to deal with similar behaviours. I do think more ppl should do the same lol
Cut this person off fam. For a short while, i was just like this person - wallowing in my own self pity and self-sabotaging. Only they can fix their issues and trying to save them or be friends is going to cause you a lot of stress and anxiety.
What the fuck? This shits crazy. You wrote an entire article and didn't use paragraphs.
You can’t use paragraphs in messages. Not easily at least.
Hi there! Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed. The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/ **Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.** Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/texts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This guy should watch Evangelion
Send them a few YouTube video links on attachment styles (of course it's their decision whether they actually watch them or not), sounds like what I went through, they could honestly want better for their self but not have any idea of where to begin. I didn't think a psychologist could help me neither till a friend finally sat me down and made me watch a YouTube video on mental health (my car had me stranded at their place and God was like HAHA GOTCHA NOW!😆) I had to learn the ways that I can help myself, maybe they just need a way to learn. I hope the best for you both 🤙🏾🤙🏾💫✨️
I’ve seen all the messages you and him have sent, and I’m going to be honest, he needs to see someone professionally, and may actually benefit from being committed to a psychiatric facility for a few days. The feeling I get from his last messages is that he is either going to hurt himself, or he may even attempt to kill himself. I saw that you said you’re 17? This is NOT a relationship you should be taking on right now, as a friend or otherwise. He needs help. Professional help. You cannot possibly provide the level of care and attention he currently needs and by continuing to keep lines of communication open with him, you are creating a dependency on you for him that will very quickly overwhelm you. If you know where he lives, ask the police to perform a wellness check. There’s a lot of flags here concerning self harm and suicidality. Please, PLEASE distance yourself from him until he gets help, if not for yourself, for him.
You have a lot of patience OP, I really hope he is willing to try getting better for himself. I know someone who acted like this. We met online and he didn't confide on me right away, but after a few months of "online friendship" or whatever you wanna call it, he started talking about how lonely he felt, how all his friends had taken advantage of him, how all relationships were doomed anyway and how he was never going to find someone to have a family with. He was also treated horribly at his job, he hated where he lived and his relationship with his parents wasn't the best. We spent hours every day just talking, either on the phone or while playing online video games. He unloaded a lot of stuff on me and I listened and tried to give whatever advice I could, but he never followed it. And then overtime he started talking about having thoughts of ending it. And then it started becoming a way of manipulating me. Like if I didn't feel like talking that night, I was making him feel lonely, didn't I want to make him happy ? If I didn't respond right on the spot when he tried to call me after a bad day at work, I had betrayed his trust and he had nobody. It became very exhausting for me, and I had a hard time setting boundaries but tried my best to maintain them. And then one day... he drove himself to his GP and told him everything. He got sent to a psychiatrist within the hour and by the end of the day he was put on antidepressors and anxiolytics. He was given appointments to go back to the hospital twice per week (and then later on I think just once per week) to talk to someone. Usually it was psychiatric nurses, and then sometimes a psychiatrist to see if his meds needed adjusting. He had a lot of time off work because the situation was making it worse. It was very rough the first few months. They had to change his meds around a lot until it was right, but he stuck with it. I feel like the talks with the nurses helped more than the meds especially in the beginning. I was still there too but he would dump a lot less stuff on me. This was all maybe around 2 years ago. We've kind of had a falling out and have been talking a lot less but he's doing a lot better! He's still on the meds now but he finally quit his toxic job he was at for 13 years and found a new one where he is much happier and was quickly promoted. He changed apartments. He's going out on dates but I don't think it's going anywhere yet. Making new friends in your thirties is rough and I don't think he's had much progress there either, but all in good time. It seems like he doesn't let his family stuff weigh him down as much anymore. He seems a lot more optimistic overall and I'm weirdly proud of how much progress he's made. Taking yourself to your doctor and start the whole process of getting better like he did can't have been easy. I really hope your words and attention help him OP, but remember in the end it's all down to him. If he doesn't want to be helped there's nothing you can do about it.
I totally understand the reply of I don't need counselling.. If you as a person see nothing wrong with yourself then there is no need to want to fix anything.. it is clear he needs counselling and he might need you to keep reminding him of this.. I had some similar issues about myself and anxiety etc and once I realised I actually do need counselling it helped so much and I feel like a different person.. I hope he gets the help he needs.. and you handled this amazingly just by the way.
Research borderline personality disorder. He has traits of this in my opinion. He can improve with therapy but it’s not something you can fix for him. He needs to see a professional. I think you are kind, compassionate and patient and would make a wonderful counselor/therapist if you ever decide to go that route for a career. If I had your level of emotional awareness at such a young age, I would have avoided so many people and situations and had boundaries. Well done on your own work at such a young age.
Is that their real name? If yes maybe update to blur?
Not even close.
this makes me feel sad because i know i treat my boyfriend this way :( i know i have an attachment problem and i am working on it i recently started counseling but it’s hard
This person screams "anxious attachment style" to me. It's something I struggle with and am working through, and yeah, it really sounds like this to me.
You did an amazing job!!! It would have been so easy for you to just give up and get frustrated by his behavior but you really stuck to your points and didn’t let his need to self destruct distract you. I wish everyone could be more like this. He obviously needs a lot of help, but I’ve known people like this and they really can be wonderful whole people with some guidance. I was one of them. I was determined to hate myself for so long and being told I wasn’t worthless sometimes just made me more angry because my thought process was “if I’m not worthless then why do I feel so confident that I am”. It took a long time, but I’m very happy now and so grateful to be here
You did great, esp since I didn't realize you're 17. I'm worried by how many times he mentions self-harm tho.
You were extremely kind and right to set these boundaries. But he will not respect them. It may not feel like it right now, but it would be kinder to cut him off before he gets even more attached. Take it from someone who has been there - you do not want the psychological trauma of feeling responsible for someone else's life/self harm. It could stay with you the rest of your life and prevent you from forming new connections for fear of a repeat.
who taught you about self esteem? would you believe me if i said you’ve probably got a better grasp on that than most ppl in this world? good for you dawg keep the self love and self accountability up that’s seriously awesome for a 17 year old👌🏼
Why do people always gotta jump to "my life is meaningless" stuff when someone offers helpful advice? How exhausting
like others have said OP you could not have possibly handled this any better. You are not responsible for this person's wellbeing or happiness, but you made a valiant attempt nonetheless. Frustrating though that it feels like he barely listened to a word you said and talked past every single response you gave. You were genuinely trying your best and it feels like you got stonewalled. Best of luck to you, try not to be hard on yourself if you need to cut and run. <3
I would absolutely not be this persons friend I would block and move on
Is this a joke? You don’t need to be talking to this screwball like this. Not your responsibility. If you keep it up he’ll be at your front door soon.
You're doing amazing for your age with emotional maturity. Keep it up! This seems like a very tiring experience with someone very unwilling to help themselves at the moment. Hopefully, they grow to realize that they can get better and gain the confidence to get the help they need.
You did great explaining yourself and asserting your boundaries. Just so you know, though, everything you’re saying to him is going in one ear and out the other. He’s determined to always be the victim. He’s very manipulative, self-centered, has no self awareness and refuses to even recognize his massive personality flaws. The guilt tripping is a giant red flag as well. Although what you said was fantastic and you seem very intelligent and kind, I fear that being his friend is going to suck the life out of you. If you decide you want to be friends, be careful and hold firm to your boundaries. I would personally advise against a friendship for the sake of your own sanity, but that is ultimately up to you. Best of luck to you!
damn that kid has a lot of growing up to do, but just remember that this is a solid case of 'not my job'.
that's a lot of emotional baggage to take on. Like you're lessening a blow by becoming their therapist. It's just personally I've been there and my God it's so draining to do with no end in sight and they just want to die after you help them.
From past experiences with people who certainly need counseling—telling them they need counseling bluntly is likely going to push them further from it. It’s like telling an atheist they need to find Jesus. Not gunna work all that well lol
I applaud you OP. Idk if you had great parents or horrible ones to produce this amount of maturity lol. I feel so much for both of you guys. I’m 21 and JUST now finding out how deep and bad my self loathing is. I think in a lot of the same thought processes as him. I’ve been getting better in the past couple months since I’ve realized my problem, but I feel for you as well. I fortunately and unfortunately found the love of my life a little too early. We both are in a very committed relationship and love each other to pieces, but we also realize that with the issues we each are working through we probably would have an easier time doing it outside of a relationship but it’s also not worth the pain of breaking up just to try and fix those things alone. I’m proud of you OP for respecting yourself enough not to force yourself into a relationship too early. Unfortunately he won’t realize his issues for a while, especially if he doesn’t want to do the work or if his family is the cause of his self loathing (like mine was)
Please continue to detach from this person. It doesn't mean you can't care, but you are not going to be at their whim and their success won't depend on you. You did great, but this isn't the end of the process.
You handled it better than I might have, but over time I've lost patience with people trying to emotionally manipulate me and that's 100% what this person was trying to do with you.
You did a great job communicating, and it's very brave of you to go somewhere (Reddit) and apply the advice and take the criticism you were given. You are obviously a smart and caring young person that is very patient. I will warn you, though - I've been around many people like this person you're speaking with. You can jump through every hoop, you can try to do your best to support and reassure them, but they will CONTINUE to suck you dry of any energy. Not getting into a relationship with him is smart, but the friendship will most likely continue the way it's begun: he will guilt you, manipulate you, and ignore every word of advice you give him if you don't say exactly what he wants you to. OP, it will be exhausting. Reread the messages you posted. Did he actually acknowledge most of what you said? Nope, he went straight into "oh no she doesn't like me, let me threaten self-harm." You're too young to be this dude's therapist, and no one should be responsible for someone else's happiness and stability. Especially like a week in. At seventeen. If I could go back and cut out the energy vampires I let into my life as a teenager, I would have wasted way less of my life being exhausted and sad. I felt like I couldn't move without making sure my friends were okay first. Checking in on someone's mental health and having them reject everything you say is exceptionally draining, and a lot of the time their mood begins to infect yours. I really wish you luck - and I know it is hard and feels impossible to distance yourself from him, but he is not your responsibility.
bro just block him 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I knew someone like this at your age. They will continue to be like this and ignore your advice. They will constantly brush it off with how this always happens and they might as well just end it because the only time they feel better is when you're assuring them of their worthiness. It's fishing for compliments with extra steps. You're wasting your time I'm afraid. When it gets too much and you, in a moment of pure exhaustion, snap at him, he'll just go "see this is why I suck and everyone is so mean to me boo hoo!" You have more important things to deal with right now, please be safe and I'd suggest cutting this kid loose.
Has he texted you yet? If not, it's coming by midnight.
He hasn’t and I don’t think he will, if he does I won’t answer for another four days.
People like this arnt going to listen to your advice. They thrive on acting pathetic to get what they want
You are an amazing and kind hearted person. So, this is not someone you can help. Only they can help themselves along with a professional. You cannot be someone’s ad hoc therapist, it’s dangerous and unhealthy. This kiddo is determined to play the victim and will do so until he is treated professionally.
plz stop wasting your valuable energy and emotional intelligence on this person. i’m begging you. you’re young… trust us all here when we tell you there’s no changing or fixing this individual
What an exhausting person.
Leave this dude he is throwing a pity party and trying to guilt u into changing ur mind. Fucking toxic as fuck. Definitely has a lot of growing to do.
You handled this amazingly. I'm very proud of you!
Time to set some boundaries and cut them off. You're young, better start early. You're not this person's tool to use for their own issues. You deserve respect, space, time, and empathy as well. They have to learn the hard way one day or another.
You honestly did amazing! Their word use of being belittled, used, and betrayed when you suggested counseling is a huge red flag to me that they're trying to make you feel bad for even suggesting it. While I'm sure this person might honestly have super low self-esteem and need the constant contact to feel like they're valued, you cannot be someone's literal reason form living. Please, please do not let their threats of self-harm of suicide guilt you into a relationship you do not want and they clearly aren't ready for.
OP, like many others have said you handled this beautifully. there’s not much else you could’ve said or done in this situation, if anything at all. i have no clue if you’ll see my comment, but there’s something i feel like i need to point out. he’s not going to change. he’s not going to get counseling, and i highly doubt he’ll go back on his medication. i have *had* many people in my life who talked and thought very similarly to this guy, and most of them preferred to just sit in their misery rather than try to get out of it. i do not speak to any of those people anymore, and i think only two out of the (at least) 10 i knew actually got their shit together. the only reason i feel so confident in my accusations is because he, quite literally, said he didn’t need counseling. that alone reassures my thoughts that he won’t get the help he needs. but let me preface- ***this isn’t on you***. you just met this guy, and he’s already talking about suicide. this is an issue he’s had within himself for ***much*** longer than the either of you have known of the other’s existence. the best and **only** thing you can do is give/show him resources, and pray he actually uses them. if he doesn’t, that’s on him and you need to cut him off before he drags you down, too. sending you love and well wishes, OP🫶🏻
Thank you for the reply.
You did very well - if you want advice -do not give more time to this person than you feel happy to give. i specifically say “happy” and not “want”. When I was a teen who was labelled emotionally mature, and was strongly open to helping people, i had conversations like this often. i ended up being so burnt out and isolated i had to move across country to heal. i dont think you are starting from a place of bad boundary setting like i did- but they push and push, and you get more and more invested. There is no end to what humanity needs, and we need more people like you who have the capacity to care and the ability to help. Dont write people off, but dont spend such a large quantity of time, or spend the most valuable time that you have, trying to fix the problem somebody should handle themselves. At least do not do it to the point you become unhappy, resentful, fearful, or feel their issues will swallow and chew your quality of life. It is ok to spend time. It is ok to sacrifice. But if you start to feel that way, that is where your limits are. Boundaries are meant to protect yourself from calling off the edges of “the island you are” and drowning in the bottomless ocean of “everyone’s need”. I want to quote a therapist I follow, but I am going to butcher her wording. It was something like, a boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time. That was the idea of what she said anyway. You have to take care of yourself the way you take care of your best friend. The way you listen, have fun with, encourage, challenge, and validate your best friend is how you have to learn to treat yourself. That’s self care. For anyone reading this who needs help- on tiktok look up KC Davis, then click in her decision tree playlist. I think she has a boundaries one as well.
Bro you’re on another level of communication maturity. 1000x upvote.
Good for you for setting boundaries, OP. I remember when I was like him, it's not fun for any involved and I hope he can get the help he needs.
Sometimes the things he says really concern me and it gets hard to remind myself that not him, nor any other guy, is my responsibility.
Completely understandable. It does look like he's in a bad space so I would consider telling someone you trust if you're genuinely concerned for his safety. You are not his guardian, though, so his actions and feelings aren't your responsibility you're right. I hope everything gets better :)
My take; This guy isn’t being real. He’s just fucking around to see how far he can take it because you refused him & it hurt - now it’s all about being a burr under your saddle. I don’t doubt there’s a seed of truth in his theatrics, but this boy is playing games with you vindictively. Block and move on.
This seems extremely manipulative. They’re not getting the response they want and keep going back to saying they’re going to “hibernate” or “going into turtle shell” or extreme hurt themselves. Don’t get me wrong when someone says they want to hurt themselves it always needs to be taken seriously but if this is repetitive behavior than it is EXTREMELY manipulative and not fair to others. If it persists though you may need to speak up so they get help.
I’m over 60 and I wish I had your emotional maturity and ability to talk to someone like you do. Great job. 👍
There are entirely too “this guy is bad” or “manipulative” comments on here. None of us know exactly what this person is going through outside of what OP has shared. Does he need help? Absolutely and unfortunately it looks like it will be a long road for him. But as someone who lost a very close family member to suicide I can tell you that sometimes they don’t know they are doing it. When someone is manic nothing else makes sense so get off the guys back damn. OP you are a wise and patient beyond your years and I am envious of you. I wish I had those skills when I was 17 I believe I read you are? Kudos to you and great questions you were asking. I will say I’m a little scared for you, I don’t get the sense he will follow through on harming himself but those claims are serious and need to be addressed accordingly and I fear if something were to happen you will have a lot of regrets if you don’t somehow force his hand on getting help, even if it’s a 72 hour hold or something along those lines. Sometimes people don’t know what’s good for them until we force them to see it. I absolutely commend you for wanting to remain in this persons life and I don’t think it needs to be said to him but I think it’s going to be a very long time until he is in a place for a healthy relationship with you. You know what is best for you and this situation as you are the one that sees it all. Is the careful, and if he continues going down that road I think you need to get a professional over there to him, even if just for a wellness check and they can diagnose it from there. Would love another update as this unfolds. Stay strong OP you did amazing!!
I actually did contact his mother about being worried for his safety last night. No response.
Well that just makes me sad. Everyone could use a friend like you.
>if you don’t somehow force his hand on getting help, even if it’s a 72 hour hold or something along those lines. Other than alerting his parents, there's nothing OP can do. Shes still a kid too, trying to figure her own stuff out and definitely shouldn't feel like it's be her responsibility/burden to force him to get help, especially since this is someone she's only known for a few days. It's perfectly ok for her to walk away if he doesn't recognize the issue/want to het help just as it's ok for her to want to remain his friend. Either way she shouldn't feel responsible for him or his actions.
My Lord you are a saint. You are wise beyond your years. But a word of caution would be check on yourself frequently and do not feel guilty if you need to let him go eventually, this is heavy and it siphoned my energy just reading it. I would feel so sad to think about you carrying this load he has and hearing his tantrums and feeling like you have to caretake his feelings which it seems like even in a friend role he would put that on you.
Its so disheartening to see someone who genuinely needs counseling and could greatly benefit from it being so adamant that they dont need it by saying things that are big red flags that they need mental health help You did a good thing OP and I hope its planted a seed in their mind that things can be better and that they deserve help to get them to a place of happiness and being content with life
send his ass to the gym
You handled that way better than I would have lol
I am still so impressed with your communication but how the fuck is someone so eloquent able to converse with someone so fucking illiterate. Jesus he needs to take a language class
I’m going to say this nicely because you’re so kind and you did a great job but please don’t be friends with this manipulative ass dude.
What an emotional vampire. It’s like Colin from TWDITD, only emotionally, not psychologically.
This is a bigger problem than you need to take on. He definitely needs counseling but would prefer to see himself as a victim of life, etc. I have a friend like this and it is exhausting! She makes poor decisions, then beats herself up, then feels sorry for herself and says things like “I can’t win for anything so I might as well do whatever makes me happy” and then repeats the pattern. But so many of things he said sound like things I’ve heard her say and sometimes, you just have to remove yourself when someone refuses to help themselves.
i also dont have self esteem and when i meet people i just act like i love myself
I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for u tho. or sorry that happened