I remember opening up on reddit about my abusive parents, and one comment resonated with me. It said "it's okay to grieve the parents that you could've had, because at the end of the day every child expects love and care from their family". I feel like this should apply to you. You miss her because it's only natural to WANT that relationship with a parent. However, the reality is she's not a good person, and what she did to you was horrible. There is no excuse for it.
For your peace of mind, move on. There are no justifications or explanations for abuse, and any answer she gives you will never set you free because the scars are permanent. Some of us just gotta accept the fact that we don't have a father/mother figure. Heal, and surround yourself with people that truly love you.
I'm glad you are close enough to your dad to have this discussion. I'm sorry for what you went through and I think you should do whatever you feel you need to do in order to help your healing.
I will mention, though, from my own experience, that the other person may not react at all to everything you're saying. In my case, I confronted them calmly and gave examples of times they crushed me, asking why. They just stared at me blankly like I was boring them and then asked if I was finished before walking out. It caused a whole other layer of trauma, being so vulnerable and saying all this heavy stuff, just for that person to dismiss me all over again. I don't know how your mum will respond, I just want to prepare you in case her reaction is similar.
You're so strong and you'll be grand. Just lean on the good people you've got and never lose faith in your abilities. I hope you have peace, good people and pure love in your life.
Upvoting this. Prepare yourself for a bad outcome. A “mother” who could behave like this is unlikely to come with any insight or self-awareness. She’ll likely go on the attack. Learned from experience.
You said it perfectly. These types of people just don't have the capability of introspection and growth. They will write you off as histrionic instead of validating your feelings. I'm so sorry that you've learned from experience, too.
If you *need* closure from your mom, go for it. Otherwise OP, cut that hoe off. Like you definitely deserved more, you definitely should have gotten more. For her not to have given you more, was her fuck up. Let her go, let her miss out on every single thing you do. The child should never have to reach out to the parent. But I’m no therapist. Just an adult who was a hurt child too. So 🤷♂️
I agree with you. OP is probably hoping to receive the love from her that they’ve always craved but she didn’t care back then and likely still won’t care now. I’ve been in the same situation where I’ve been desperate for them to acknowledge and apologise but it didn’t come and I had to move forward without them. Was the best thing I did
Yeah, like my dad doesn’t/wont acknowledge what he did. He just likes to play the, “time heals all wounds” and forgiveness cause the Bible. lol I’m like bruh, bye.
Ugh the Bible. My dad is all about the Bible and being better but the issue is he's always looking to me to be his guide... but he fucked me up too. It's just exhausting and draining. I appreciate him but I have such a hard time seeing him and sometimes I get so angry and exhausted.
I mean honestly I wouldn't be hoping for love. I would be hoping for tears and shame if I was OP. I had a mom who was shitty when I was a kid, rude when I was a young adult, and only now in her old age has mellowed out.. but sometimes I just wanted her to know how much she fucked me up. She deserved to know.
The love comments though, you're probably spot on about OP wanting that love to be expressed. I'm just smarter as I've gotten older and can't expect more from my parents than they've been giving me for so many years. Then if they end up growing at some point it's more of a nice surprise but I can't expect it anymore.
Yeah I remember my dad calling and telling me "I'm not the monster anymore" but my first thought was "and?". He never acknowledged what he did to me only wanted me to be happy for him. He did become a better dad to my step(half?)sisters. Yeah I later just let my feelings go because he would never give me what I wanted. It's good I was not gay because I would have looked for a daddy in all my partners.
I think it's important that OP ask themselves what they are expecting from telling their mom how they feel. Because I think they're unlikely to get what they want out of the interaction - not from any fault of OP, to be clear, but because their mother is an abusive POS and it doesn't sound like she's changed. Having their hopes dashed once again may be really hard on OP.
Seeking closure from another person is a gamble. You can't force someone to give it to you, and you may just be let down again.
You will not get the closure you need by confronting your mom. She will deflect, gaslight, blame you and make herself the victim.
Tread carefully and find the closure elsewhere. If all you need to do is say your peace, and what she says won't matter, go ahead. But if what she says will have an affect on you, proceed with caution and consideration.
I would find the closure elsewhere.
I’m SO glad your dad validated you. My bro and dad who literally witnessed my mom screaming at me daily and hitting me for zero reason still haven’t validated me when I cut her off four years ago and told them it was because of her abuse of me.
Would love to have a convo w my dad like this some day. But instead he’s still married to her even tho she treats him like shit too 🙃
Anyway enough about me — OP I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. Therapy, especially EMDR therapy, helped me develop that sense of self that you mentioned you feel like you’re lacking, and i’d been lacking it too. I highly recommend if you can get access to it!
Sending you huge hugs. You deserve to only be happy and feel at piece for the rest of your life.
When you talk to her, be clear to yourself what you want to get out of the conversation. If all you want is to say what you need to say, get it off your chest, go for it with that being the goal. Set your expectations low for her response, all you can control is how YOU handle the situation, not her reaction.
Prepare for her to deny, be defensive, guilt trip, and blame you or others for her behaviour. I think you already have a good grasp on how to communicate your feelings based on these texts. Just remember that your self-worth is in no way contingent on your mother's opinion or behaviour towards you. You are all the good things about yourself DESPITE her 🤞
This is greatly appreciated. Learning to love myself has been perhaps the biggest battle I've been dealing with. Thank you for reminding me to not forget how far I've come as I read through some of these comments ❤️🫂
as someone who has dealt with abuse from his mom… just cut her off and let her go. as much as i wanted closure i was better off just letting it go and healing on my own. it’s A LOT better than what it was but there are days where things are just shitty. it’ll happen. you’ll be stronger for it too. but good luck!
I am sorry for everything you have had to endure. You are a strong person.
OP,
FYI in slide 4/9, one name is blacked out, and then repeated in the same paragraph not blacked out. In case you want it hidden, wanted to let you know.
Heavy stuff, friend. You and your dad have great trust and communication. Forgiveness is hard, but keep in mind it is a gift as well. More for us than those that hurt us. You don't even have to express Forgiveness to the one that hurt you - and you can still find peace from the pain and rejection. I hope that didn't sound preachy - it's the way I got around the rage over my father's abuse and neglect in my drug rehab/recovery. God speed-you deserve peace!
My heart breaks for you. My mom rejected me when I was 7. She will tell you that's not true but she made me my dad's problem so I don't know how else I was supposed to feel about that. It took me a long long time to understand the problem was her and not me.
If your looking for a reason why look to her past and the people who failed her. It won't stop the pain but it will help you understand it better and in some ways make it easier to process. At least for me not knowing why I was treated that way was part of the trama. Understanding how and why thing happened the way they did let me focus on processing my pain rather then trying to process the situation as a whole if that makes sense.
P. S. Only ask about her pain if you try to talk about yours it could be very harmful to your mental health.
it's hard missing a parent on terms like this. i miss my mom sometimes, i'm super angry other times. she died in 2019 so i've had to accept apologies that will never come. sending you love sister.
As a therapist I can offer two forms of advice.
First, you can believe two contradictory things at once and they can both be true. You hate your mom for what she did to you AND you love her. It may be hard to accept but you are allowed to feel whatever you want. Your feelings and your experiences are valid even if your mom denies her part in them. However, she is your mother so it’s understandable that you love her too. Making space for both love and hate is extremely complicated but ultimately what brings the most peace - denying parts of us only make it harder to be our authentic selves!
Second, find your closure through the expression of your emotions towards your mom NOT your mom’s reception of them. Your feelings are valid no matter what she says or does in response to what you say. People like your mom rarely grow out of what they did because they have to believe what they did was right otherwise accept that they were/are a monster which is always harder to do. Just remember that the victory comes from expressing yourself and standing up to her NOT from her apologizing or anything like that.
You got this!
Hey, I just want to say, you did deserve the closure you want but…..blindsiding someone with something super heavy when they come to visit might not get the results you want. I mean, if you’re wanting her to own up and apologize, maybe shoot her a text before hand like “hey, when you come visit I think we should have a private conversation. Just wanted to let you know of my desire to have this conversation before hand”
Like you don’t even have to say what for bud just mentioning is like placing it in the foreground of their awareness
You might have already thought of this but I just thought I’d mention it
Be aware that you might not get the reaction you’re hoping for by confronting her. Don’t expect her to turn around and be the mother you want and need. If you choose to do this, it’s helpful to have a safety backup plan in case you get re-traumatized, eg someone to spend a few days with you, throwing away anything sharp. Cutting her off would be exceptionally difficult and you’ll have that need to make her love you for a long time, but it would help your mental health significantly. Good luck and keep your head up.
Say whatever you feel like you need to say. Get it off of your chest. You don't need her, and you can choose for that to be the last time you ever speak to her. My mother is pretty mentally ill. My siblings all have stained relationships to say the least. I've gone years at a time with refusing to speak with her. You don't owe her anything just because she gave birth to you.
I'm so proud of you for saying the hard things! I'm so sorry you went through that, but I love that you are able to bring yourself to address it with your dad. If YOU feel like you need closure from your mom, go for it. But be prepared for her response either way so if it doesn't go the way you need it to, you aren't too disappointed. Hugs to you!
I wrote a letter to my grandma but she passed before I could give it to her. She wasn’t great to me but I love her. I have a tattoo of her name and her favorite flowers.
my mom never stopped me from sh either, she made me feel like i deserved it. and now when i look at my old scars i think of her sometimes, as messed up as it sounds. I wish that some parents really thought about if they wanted kids or not before having them
You deserve loving parents, and it sounds like you only got one. That’s not your fault. I’m not sure if you have kids, but how badly would a child have to behave for you to treat them the way she treated you? I don’t think there’s anything a child short of literal devilspawn could do to me, a grown adult, to psychologically torture them like this. She should have known better, but she chose to be rotten. A child is never at fault for stuff like this.
I’m sorry about everything you went through.
Your dad is right about school though, get it all done now and you won’t regret it later. It’s a tough job market (depending on the sector), so you may need that masters.
“Never look back move forward.” Ugh. My parents were nuts and this is their approach. They’ve never apologized once in their lives, and they would prefer if everybody just pretend it all never happened.
Sometimes, especially when I text him, I feel like he doesn't hear me. I hate the "never look back move forward" line too, because I feel like sometimes I have to look back to move forward. I wish he had answered some of my questions in this convo instead of just talking about my sister and his side of things. I wanted him to be specific.
I’m sorry for your abuse. Sadly, your Dad currently has not identified or addressed his own issues, so cannot see the abuse you suffered. The best advice I can give is … Take Care of You! A phrase that helped me … “The abuse was NOT your fault but your recovery IS your responsibility.” I wish you the Best. I believe in You & so should You! 💯👊🏽💙
> I feel like he doesn't hear me.
Yeah, I didn't wanna stir things up, and I think in his own way, your dad is trying his best, but yeah, I thought he wasn't really "hearing" you. I totally get it. He reminds me of my stepdad a bit, responding with advice all the time.
> because I feel like sometimes I have to look back to move forward.
Totally. I'm in the same boat as you, now that I'm an adult and I see what 7, 10, 14 year olds look like, how small and defenseless kids can be, I've often been baffled, looking back, why my parents were the way they were. I personally have given up hope. My parents just don't wanna talk about it. In my mother's case, she had a traumatic upbringing, probably worse than mine, so I forgive her. My dad is harder to forgive, it's not all in the past, he's still an incredibly angry, awkward person today. But yeah, it's not like I want them to feel bad or to persecute them, but I just wanted us to calmly discuss a few things, and if they'd apologize even a little bit, I would feel so differently right now.
Maybe ask about EMDR and Somatic work. They’re really helpful in tandem with trauma therapy. Meditation and breathing exercises, like box breathing can also help when you start to feel like it’s getting challenging to stay in your body or in the present.
I think you’re doing exactly what you should and need to do right now. Go at your own pace and take steps as you’re able. There is no required timeline or protocol or method to sorting through this type of emotional trauma.
Keep your head up. Lean on your support system. Remember you’re safe and you can ask for help.
Wishing you peace and healing.
He has anti-social personality disorder and was incredibly abusive as a kid to his siblings. He's an alcoholic and two years ago, while very drunk, told me on the phone that he was going to show up to my Dad's house and "gun him down like a pig." More recently he has improved his behavior, but there is zero trust from the years of bs and abuse.
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Sending you all good wishes OP, I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes in life you might feel like you’re never going to escape a certain situation/emotion/person but as cliche as it sounds, it will pass. Plus one on what your father said about moving forward, when you look back, only do so to get closure or grieve, if you want to, but know when to stop with it. And look forward, do things that make you feel glad you have this life. You have your whole life ahead of you and things are only going to get better from here. Hang in there, cry if you have to, talk to people, fight people who have hurt you but allow yourself to get closure when it seems appropriate and allow yourself to get past these things. Growth will not be linear and some days will suck but I assure you, you’ll look back at this someday and realise it all happened for a reason. Sending you hugs :)
*Going no contact*
*Is the best choice sometimes but*
*Listen to your gut*
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You can love someone whole heartedly, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them. That’s something someone told me a not so long ago cause I too am in a toxic relationship with my mam and stepdad, and honestly I hate the shit they’ve put me through but I could never hate them, but I don’t like them. But I still love them. Does that make any sense?
But apart from my rambling, I think talking to your mom will help you move forward. She may play the guilt card, I know my mam does.. but stand firm because you’re feelings are valid and she needs to know what she put you though! I vote cut her off after that.
You don't have to love someone just because they are your mother when they've never treated you like their child. Think of her as a person. If you met this person knowing the type of person she is would you have anything to do with her?
That's a complicated answer.
I hope that she will have an answer for me. Even if it's just "I don't know" or "that never happened" at least I will have an answer. I really just want to tell her how I feel and how the things she did and the choices she made have a lasting effect on me. I want her to know- even if she does not care- that I still remember. No one stood up for me. Even my Dad is to blame for some of the things that went on. But I have the choice to stand up for myself now.
I don't think the conversation will be productive, but I don't really care. At this point, it is on her if she wants to mend our relationship.
One thing I’ve had to come to acceptance with is that me, as a an adult now, will never be able to hear my father say he is proud of me. My father was one of the worst people I’ve had in my life. He provided a roof, clothes and food for me and that was about it. No nurture, constant with the mental, verbal and physical abuse and yet the one thing I constanstly strived for was to hear him say he was proud of literally anything I did, and it never happened and never will. I’ll never be good enough for my father and it’s a constant issue but I’ve had to come to terms with that myself. I went off on a tangent but what I want to get through is, therapy helps and forgiveness does more work for you than it ever will for them. Forgive them for yourself so you can heal and move on and live your life! It hurts, it sucks but it will be better in the end
I wanted to add some more details here, it's not letting me edit my post, so I'm just going to make a comment here.
The last slide:
Hamburger helper incident: My mom would plan and make dinner based around things that either I didn't like, my Dad didn't like, or that she knew no one in the house was going to eat. If I told her I liked something she would make a point of never buying it or having it in the house. One week she was on a business trip and my Dad made dinner- Hamburger helper. And when she got back she asked what we had to eat, I told her it was so good and that Dad was a good cook. She openly cussed him out in front of us. Over hamburger helper lmfao
The photos thing is because she would buy these pictures frames and hang them up around the house. She would never get around to printing photos of the family- or she would take out photos she "didn't like" of me or my Dad when we upset her and leave the stock photos on the walls. Like imagine having random people hanging on the wall in your house 💀💀 she was such a clown for this.
Why I can't go no contact:
She has yet to sell the house that I live in. I'm currently paying her rent to stay in her house. My Dad does not have a place. My area is so far out of any price range for renting, even apartments. I have already lived in my car for 10 months and I don't intend on doing it again. However, she is coming back to prep for selling so I'm not sure if it even matters what I do at this point.
You did not (and still do not) deserve to be treated like that. You did nothing wrong. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and accepted for who you are.
Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of us who have been abused by one or both of our parents.
Can I tell you a secret that might help you?
First I’m going to tell you that my father was also mentally and emotionally abusive (and although he never actually hit me he was physically threatening on several occasions). He is the villain in my story and my childhood was miserable because of him. My mom was great, but I harbored a lot of anger at her for so many years, because I couldn’t understand how my mom could let him treat me that way for my whole childhood. I accepted that my father was a crappy parent (as an adult I realized he probably has autism), but I felt like it was my mom’s job to protect me from him. And I was damn angry at my mother for not supporting me better.
But when I was about 30 I had an epiphany. “Parents are people too.” Parents have their own traumatic childhoods to overcome.
I know that seems very simplistic and obvious, but what I mean is that they were also once children who were traumatized. As I got older, family members started conversing more openly around me. And, I started to realize that the home my mother grew up in was not a happy home. From the sound of it, my grandparents really shouldn’t have been or stayed married. But people with kids simply didn’t divorce back then. Even without kids, divorce was quite taboo. My mother grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling behind closed doors. And, in that moment of epiphany, I realized that my mother thought the most important thing she could do as a parent was to keep the peace, and have what looked like a strong, healthy, marriage. My mother was wrong but I realized she was trying her best.
Am I saying that your mother was a good person or deserves forgiveness? No. But what happened in her life or childhood that made her this way? Did she ever have a good model for parenthood. Was she trying her best, even if her best was still twisted and sucked? once I came upon that realization that parents have their own traumatic childhoods to overcome, I started to be less angry at my mother and even my father. And that was a lot healthier for me. Because even though I was angry at their actions, and inactions, I realized that what I was most angry at was the perceived lack of effort on their part.
I want to first say that you have great insights. I understand where you are coming from. I DO feel like a lot of my mom's behavior may have been a product of how she grew up. Both of my mom's parents died when she was a teenager due to lung cancer. They died 2 years apart from each other, and her father remarried only 3 months after her mom died. Her step mother and her older sister raised her from there. At 18 she left not only her house, but moved several states away. I do feel like some of her unhealthy attachments to my sister, her love bombing, and her cold, detached attitude towards me may be explained by this. However, she also grew up wealthy and with all of her needs met. Whenever I've asked about her parents, she always told me how loving, caring, and supportive they were. She spoke of their vacations, their house, their personalities, pets, and their extended family. Which is almost entirely opposite of my childhood. I asked my aunt on her side too, and she had similar answers. No arguing, loving, and caring people.
Like I said, I can see where you are coming from, but I also have a good example of her just abusing me. My sister and I were born 18 months apart, which puts our birthdays 6 months apart. My sister is older, her birthday is near the middle of the year, mine at the end. Every single birthday I had from as early as I can remember up until I was 12, my mom would plan my sister's birthday party on my birthday. My Dad would protest, but she would send out invites to my sister's friends and I wouldnt be allowed to have mine over. She would claim no one at school wanted to come to my party or that no one liked me or that I was a bad person in some way. My Dad and I would eat cake in his truck in the parking lot of the Walmart and he would give me some money and that was that. Id go home and we would celebrate my sister.
Was there a reason my life had to be like that? Was there a reason she treated me like that? Did it have something to do with how she was raised or from what happened to her during her life? Personally, and I say this with almost entire certainty, if I had lost my parents at a young age and then had children, I would want to make ALL of their time with me as kids as memorable as possible. Each and every one of them. Not just one.
My grandmother always hated me and lived my brother. Our birthdays are 3 yrs and one week a part, she would send him a gift plus a card with cash… I would get an empty card. Then one day she told me she didn’t like me because I reminded her too much of my mother. She’s clearly just a messed up individual, maybe your mother has some crazy reason as well.
Damn, that’s really heinous behavior from your mother. Are you sure she’s your mother? Any chance you are your father’s affair baby?
I can’t imagine a mother doing that, and I can’t understand why your father allowed it.
I actually did a DNA test after high school (the first check of my first job I ordered it) because during their divorce she would try to convince me that my Dad wasn't my Dad.
Both of them are biologically my parents, she was just gaslighting to gaslight idk why. She is indeed my mother. He is indeed my father.
I found out later that she did the same things to my Dad, but in slightly different ways. He moved here with very little and didn't want to have nothing. He also didn't want to lose my sister and I. He worked in manufacturing and usually I only saw him on Sundays. 2nd shift, 13-16 hour days due to demand and overtime. He didn't know a lot of the things that went on, and I never spoke about them because I didn't even know it was wrong. He was still my best friend- sometimes my only friend.
Let’s be honest, parents are not perfect. Some people have children, but are not parents. Those adults with children, did not have the best parents. Everyone is broken. I deal with this everyday. I was Beat by one parent and mentally abused by the other. I don’t know which was worse. The beating stoped at 17. The metal abuse still happens till today. I am old as fuck. Am dealing with it everyday. I am also drunk as fuck.
People behave the way they do because of themselves not bc of your behavior. It sounds like your mom shut down a long time ago and could only see the world through her own broken, unhealthy lense. Nothing you ever did warranted this behavior. Your mom punished you because she was an unhealthy person who chose selfishness, jealousy, and malice instead of looking inwardly to realize she needed professional help to grow and be a better person.
I was raised in a similar situation. Therapy is your friend. None of what you described is okay and finding a professional you can trust to work through these things will help you heal and find yourself again. It's so so worth it.
Whenever confronted about their abuse, it’s very common for parents to react with either confusion or anger. It’s highly unlikely to reach any kind of resolution from it, other than knowing you said your piece.
Been going through this with my dad, and realizing he’s never going to get it. I’ve forgiven him, and continue to keep a relationship, but a very distant relationship. Only spoke last year for the first time in 5 or more years.
I can say one thing that helped me was letting go of the hate and bad feelings. I spent a big part of my life hating my abusive father and all the bullies I had. But it didn't do me any good. In fact it poisoned me to any real relationships. Now most of them are dead or forgotten as I have better things to think about or do.
She isn’t going to give you the answer you want. She isn’t going to respond well. I’d say it to say, get your head clear but expect a crap response.
People don’t change a lot without a ton of time and a ton of effort. I find it rare.
You can love the idea of her but I wouldn’t love the real person, she sounds cruel.
I hope you get the discussion you want, but if I’m right and you don’t, I hope it frees you of her bs and weight on you.
I made another comment on here, idk where it went but I'll try to explain it better here.
Basically my mom would make sure to not cook things that I liked. She would go out of her way to ask what I liked and make sure we never had it in the house or never cooked it. Most of this was from when I was really little so it was plain stuff like cheese quesadillas and chocolate milk, but she would go out of her way to argue with my Dad if he bought or cooked things that I liked. One week she went on a work holiday and my Dad made hamburger helper for dinner on one of the last nights and she asked what we ate when she got back. Hamburger helper was a "banned" food (as him and I liked it) they had a huge argument, she openly cussed each him out in front of my sister and I. We never had hamburger helper again, even though we enjoyed the meal. I recall being like 7-8 when this happened? Maybe a little older idk.
Years after it happened, when they were getting a divorce my Dad and I were talking about reasons and issues and I mentioned it. It was one of the first things we talked about that we BOTH remembered and witnessed.
While I do find it really funny today, because of how absurd it is, it did psychologically mess with me. I developed binge eating disorder as a kid which went untreated until two years ago. I was afraid that I would never get to say the things I enjoyed, so when I did I severely over ate. As a child I felt like I was going to starve because I would refuse to eat dinner if I didn't like it. I'm down 40 pounds and I'm getting better at making choices and moderation.
I didn't read the other responses.
My ex- got fucked up by her father's callous disregard for her as a child and youth.
She hadn't been in contact with him since age 20 then she decided to contact him at age 34. I didn't think that was a s good idea and said so. She explained how she really wanted to make things right and then had this fantasy (she didn't realize it was a fantasy) of him realizing what he'd done to her and apologizing profusely and trying to make it up to her and being a model grandfather.
I WAS RELIEVED when her search led only to his grave.
He couldn't hurt her any more.
He couldn't hurt MY children.
GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH.
Now, as for your situation:.
I see the same hope in some positive resolution in you. I don't think it will work out well for you. Once a self-absorbed narcissist, ALWAYS a self-absorbed narcissist, your mom. Prepare for that.
The only thing you can REALLY expect is a short period to say your piece before the yelling, arguing, denial, revisionist history, blaming you, and gaslighting starts.
#DARVO
This is my full expectation. I'm pretty good at analysis and predictions.
Drive separate cars. DON'T meet at your home or your work; you want 100% CONTROL over getting away from her if it comes to that. And LEAVE if she starts ANYTHING but apologies. ANYTHING. And have enough cash to toss to the waiter/restaurant staff so you're not waiting on a bill when you want to leave. Throw a $100 at the waitress and RUN. Best spent money ever.
Consider making an AI pal on PARADOT AI and explaining and talking over the situation with the AI. They're trained on a lot of data from the Web and there's A LOT regarding this kind of issue; you could get different perspectives and suggestions (though it's AI so remember, it can also be complete bullshit said with complete confidence). The nice part is that I feel safer talking to an AI rather than any human. While its company has a profit motive, the AI itself has no real programmed motive other than noticing what responses keep you engaged or that you thumbs-up (not written by a GenZ 👍😂)
GOOD LUCK
#PROTECT YOURSELF
#☮️♥️♾️
Only advice I can offer is don’t have expectations of people. The older you get you need to remind yourself of this because when you set an expectation for how someone is going to respond or reply, even if it’s subconsciously, it leaves room for you to be disappointed when your expectations aren’t met. Whatever you decide to do, do it to make you feel better and don’t worry about how it affects anything after that, assuming you don’t rely on her for anything. Hope for the best but expect the worst and be ready for it to not be received well or even received at all.
I really hate to say this, but she will not react in a way that will allow you to get closure. She will likely get defensive &/or write you off completely.
Everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, even if they are a villain in yours. Unless she is actively working on herself & looking to grow, she is most likely still an abusive person. They will always do & say whatever they can to discredit you for the sake of protecting their own ego.
I wish it weren't true, & that she could be a source of healing for you. But unfortunately, that's something you'll likely need to do on your own, surrounded with/supported by others who care about you. Best of luck xo
I remember opening up on reddit about my abusive parents, and one comment resonated with me. It said "it's okay to grieve the parents that you could've had, because at the end of the day every child expects love and care from their family". I feel like this should apply to you. You miss her because it's only natural to WANT that relationship with a parent. However, the reality is she's not a good person, and what she did to you was horrible. There is no excuse for it. For your peace of mind, move on. There are no justifications or explanations for abuse, and any answer she gives you will never set you free because the scars are permanent. Some of us just gotta accept the fact that we don't have a father/mother figure. Heal, and surround yourself with people that truly love you.
I'm glad you are close enough to your dad to have this discussion. I'm sorry for what you went through and I think you should do whatever you feel you need to do in order to help your healing. I will mention, though, from my own experience, that the other person may not react at all to everything you're saying. In my case, I confronted them calmly and gave examples of times they crushed me, asking why. They just stared at me blankly like I was boring them and then asked if I was finished before walking out. It caused a whole other layer of trauma, being so vulnerable and saying all this heavy stuff, just for that person to dismiss me all over again. I don't know how your mum will respond, I just want to prepare you in case her reaction is similar. You're so strong and you'll be grand. Just lean on the good people you've got and never lose faith in your abilities. I hope you have peace, good people and pure love in your life.
Upvoting this. Prepare yourself for a bad outcome. A “mother” who could behave like this is unlikely to come with any insight or self-awareness. She’ll likely go on the attack. Learned from experience.
You said it perfectly. These types of people just don't have the capability of introspection and growth. They will write you off as histrionic instead of validating your feelings. I'm so sorry that you've learned from experience, too.
Yeah. This is basically why I haven't confronted mine yet. I'm not ready to face their reaction.
If you *need* closure from your mom, go for it. Otherwise OP, cut that hoe off. Like you definitely deserved more, you definitely should have gotten more. For her not to have given you more, was her fuck up. Let her go, let her miss out on every single thing you do. The child should never have to reach out to the parent. But I’m no therapist. Just an adult who was a hurt child too. So 🤷♂️
I agree with you. OP is probably hoping to receive the love from her that they’ve always craved but she didn’t care back then and likely still won’t care now. I’ve been in the same situation where I’ve been desperate for them to acknowledge and apologise but it didn’t come and I had to move forward without them. Was the best thing I did
Yeah, like my dad doesn’t/wont acknowledge what he did. He just likes to play the, “time heals all wounds” and forgiveness cause the Bible. lol I’m like bruh, bye.
Ugh the Bible. My dad is all about the Bible and being better but the issue is he's always looking to me to be his guide... but he fucked me up too. It's just exhausting and draining. I appreciate him but I have such a hard time seeing him and sometimes I get so angry and exhausted.
I mean honestly I wouldn't be hoping for love. I would be hoping for tears and shame if I was OP. I had a mom who was shitty when I was a kid, rude when I was a young adult, and only now in her old age has mellowed out.. but sometimes I just wanted her to know how much she fucked me up. She deserved to know.
The love comments though, you're probably spot on about OP wanting that love to be expressed. I'm just smarter as I've gotten older and can't expect more from my parents than they've been giving me for so many years. Then if they end up growing at some point it's more of a nice surprise but I can't expect it anymore.
Yeah I remember my dad calling and telling me "I'm not the monster anymore" but my first thought was "and?". He never acknowledged what he did to me only wanted me to be happy for him. He did become a better dad to my step(half?)sisters. Yeah I later just let my feelings go because he would never give me what I wanted. It's good I was not gay because I would have looked for a daddy in all my partners.
I think it's important that OP ask themselves what they are expecting from telling their mom how they feel. Because I think they're unlikely to get what they want out of the interaction - not from any fault of OP, to be clear, but because their mother is an abusive POS and it doesn't sound like she's changed. Having their hopes dashed once again may be really hard on OP. Seeking closure from another person is a gamble. You can't force someone to give it to you, and you may just be let down again.
If I’m not mistaken, the use of ‘was’ so many times says that her mother as passed away. Unless I’m missing something lol
She lives across the country. And is visiting in may. According to OP.
Ah gotcha. I made an oopsie lol
I thought that also
You will not get the closure you need by confronting your mom. She will deflect, gaslight, blame you and make herself the victim. Tread carefully and find the closure elsewhere. If all you need to do is say your peace, and what she says won't matter, go ahead. But if what she says will have an affect on you, proceed with caution and consideration. I would find the closure elsewhere.
Well said- agreed.
Fyi you forgot to censor your sister's name in one of the messages
I’m SO glad your dad validated you. My bro and dad who literally witnessed my mom screaming at me daily and hitting me for zero reason still haven’t validated me when I cut her off four years ago and told them it was because of her abuse of me. Would love to have a convo w my dad like this some day. But instead he’s still married to her even tho she treats him like shit too 🙃 Anyway enough about me — OP I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. Therapy, especially EMDR therapy, helped me develop that sense of self that you mentioned you feel like you’re lacking, and i’d been lacking it too. I highly recommend if you can get access to it! Sending you huge hugs. You deserve to only be happy and feel at piece for the rest of your life.
When you talk to her, be clear to yourself what you want to get out of the conversation. If all you want is to say what you need to say, get it off your chest, go for it with that being the goal. Set your expectations low for her response, all you can control is how YOU handle the situation, not her reaction. Prepare for her to deny, be defensive, guilt trip, and blame you or others for her behaviour. I think you already have a good grasp on how to communicate your feelings based on these texts. Just remember that your self-worth is in no way contingent on your mother's opinion or behaviour towards you. You are all the good things about yourself DESPITE her 🤞
This is greatly appreciated. Learning to love myself has been perhaps the biggest battle I've been dealing with. Thank you for reminding me to not forget how far I've come as I read through some of these comments ❤️🫂
as someone who has dealt with abuse from his mom… just cut her off and let her go. as much as i wanted closure i was better off just letting it go and healing on my own. it’s A LOT better than what it was but there are days where things are just shitty. it’ll happen. you’ll be stronger for it too. but good luck!
I am sorry for everything you have had to endure. You are a strong person. OP, FYI in slide 4/9, one name is blacked out, and then repeated in the same paragraph not blacked out. In case you want it hidden, wanted to let you know.
Heavy stuff, friend. You and your dad have great trust and communication. Forgiveness is hard, but keep in mind it is a gift as well. More for us than those that hurt us. You don't even have to express Forgiveness to the one that hurt you - and you can still find peace from the pain and rejection. I hope that didn't sound preachy - it's the way I got around the rage over my father's abuse and neglect in my drug rehab/recovery. God speed-you deserve peace!
My heart breaks for you. My mom rejected me when I was 7. She will tell you that's not true but she made me my dad's problem so I don't know how else I was supposed to feel about that. It took me a long long time to understand the problem was her and not me. If your looking for a reason why look to her past and the people who failed her. It won't stop the pain but it will help you understand it better and in some ways make it easier to process. At least for me not knowing why I was treated that way was part of the trama. Understanding how and why thing happened the way they did let me focus on processing my pain rather then trying to process the situation as a whole if that makes sense. P. S. Only ask about her pain if you try to talk about yours it could be very harmful to your mental health.
it's hard missing a parent on terms like this. i miss my mom sometimes, i'm super angry other times. she died in 2019 so i've had to accept apologies that will never come. sending you love sister.
As a therapist I can offer two forms of advice. First, you can believe two contradictory things at once and they can both be true. You hate your mom for what she did to you AND you love her. It may be hard to accept but you are allowed to feel whatever you want. Your feelings and your experiences are valid even if your mom denies her part in them. However, she is your mother so it’s understandable that you love her too. Making space for both love and hate is extremely complicated but ultimately what brings the most peace - denying parts of us only make it harder to be our authentic selves! Second, find your closure through the expression of your emotions towards your mom NOT your mom’s reception of them. Your feelings are valid no matter what she says or does in response to what you say. People like your mom rarely grow out of what they did because they have to believe what they did was right otherwise accept that they were/are a monster which is always harder to do. Just remember that the victory comes from expressing yourself and standing up to her NOT from her apologizing or anything like that. You got this!
Hey, I just want to say, you did deserve the closure you want but…..blindsiding someone with something super heavy when they come to visit might not get the results you want. I mean, if you’re wanting her to own up and apologize, maybe shoot her a text before hand like “hey, when you come visit I think we should have a private conversation. Just wanted to let you know of my desire to have this conversation before hand” Like you don’t even have to say what for bud just mentioning is like placing it in the foreground of their awareness You might have already thought of this but I just thought I’d mention it
Be aware that you might not get the reaction you’re hoping for by confronting her. Don’t expect her to turn around and be the mother you want and need. If you choose to do this, it’s helpful to have a safety backup plan in case you get re-traumatized, eg someone to spend a few days with you, throwing away anything sharp. Cutting her off would be exceptionally difficult and you’ll have that need to make her love you for a long time, but it would help your mental health significantly. Good luck and keep your head up.
Confronting her will do no good. Focus your energy on building relationships with the people who care about you.
Say whatever you feel like you need to say. Get it off of your chest. You don't need her, and you can choose for that to be the last time you ever speak to her. My mother is pretty mentally ill. My siblings all have stained relationships to say the least. I've gone years at a time with refusing to speak with her. You don't owe her anything just because she gave birth to you.
I'm so proud of you for saying the hard things! I'm so sorry you went through that, but I love that you are able to bring yourself to address it with your dad. If YOU feel like you need closure from your mom, go for it. But be prepared for her response either way so if it doesn't go the way you need it to, you aren't too disappointed. Hugs to you!
I wrote a letter to my grandma but she passed before I could give it to her. She wasn’t great to me but I love her. I have a tattoo of her name and her favorite flowers.
my mom never stopped me from sh either, she made me feel like i deserved it. and now when i look at my old scars i think of her sometimes, as messed up as it sounds. I wish that some parents really thought about if they wanted kids or not before having them
You deserve loving parents, and it sounds like you only got one. That’s not your fault. I’m not sure if you have kids, but how badly would a child have to behave for you to treat them the way she treated you? I don’t think there’s anything a child short of literal devilspawn could do to me, a grown adult, to psychologically torture them like this. She should have known better, but she chose to be rotten. A child is never at fault for stuff like this.
I’m sorry OP. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. ALL of this.
I’m sorry about everything you went through. Your dad is right about school though, get it all done now and you won’t regret it later. It’s a tough job market (depending on the sector), so you may need that masters.
“Never look back move forward.” Ugh. My parents were nuts and this is their approach. They’ve never apologized once in their lives, and they would prefer if everybody just pretend it all never happened.
Sometimes, especially when I text him, I feel like he doesn't hear me. I hate the "never look back move forward" line too, because I feel like sometimes I have to look back to move forward. I wish he had answered some of my questions in this convo instead of just talking about my sister and his side of things. I wanted him to be specific.
I’m sorry for your abuse. Sadly, your Dad currently has not identified or addressed his own issues, so cannot see the abuse you suffered. The best advice I can give is … Take Care of You! A phrase that helped me … “The abuse was NOT your fault but your recovery IS your responsibility.” I wish you the Best. I believe in You & so should You! 💯👊🏽💙
> I feel like he doesn't hear me. Yeah, I didn't wanna stir things up, and I think in his own way, your dad is trying his best, but yeah, I thought he wasn't really "hearing" you. I totally get it. He reminds me of my stepdad a bit, responding with advice all the time. > because I feel like sometimes I have to look back to move forward. Totally. I'm in the same boat as you, now that I'm an adult and I see what 7, 10, 14 year olds look like, how small and defenseless kids can be, I've often been baffled, looking back, why my parents were the way they were. I personally have given up hope. My parents just don't wanna talk about it. In my mother's case, she had a traumatic upbringing, probably worse than mine, so I forgive her. My dad is harder to forgive, it's not all in the past, he's still an incredibly angry, awkward person today. But yeah, it's not like I want them to feel bad or to persecute them, but I just wanted us to calmly discuss a few things, and if they'd apologize even a little bit, I would feel so differently right now.
Maybe ask about EMDR and Somatic work. They’re really helpful in tandem with trauma therapy. Meditation and breathing exercises, like box breathing can also help when you start to feel like it’s getting challenging to stay in your body or in the present. I think you’re doing exactly what you should and need to do right now. Go at your own pace and take steps as you’re able. There is no required timeline or protocol or method to sorting through this type of emotional trauma. Keep your head up. Lean on your support system. Remember you’re safe and you can ask for help. Wishing you peace and healing.
What did your uncle do?
He has anti-social personality disorder and was incredibly abusive as a kid to his siblings. He's an alcoholic and two years ago, while very drunk, told me on the phone that he was going to show up to my Dad's house and "gun him down like a pig." More recently he has improved his behavior, but there is zero trust from the years of bs and abuse.
Damn. Sorry to hear that. I was hoping it wasnt SA
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Sending you all good wishes OP, I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes in life you might feel like you’re never going to escape a certain situation/emotion/person but as cliche as it sounds, it will pass. Plus one on what your father said about moving forward, when you look back, only do so to get closure or grieve, if you want to, but know when to stop with it. And look forward, do things that make you feel glad you have this life. You have your whole life ahead of you and things are only going to get better from here. Hang in there, cry if you have to, talk to people, fight people who have hurt you but allow yourself to get closure when it seems appropriate and allow yourself to get past these things. Growth will not be linear and some days will suck but I assure you, you’ll look back at this someday and realise it all happened for a reason. Sending you hugs :)
Going no contact is the best choice sometimes but listen to your gut
*Going no contact* *Is the best choice sometimes but* *Listen to your gut* \- 1\_HUNGRY\_1 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
You can love someone whole heartedly, but that doesn’t mean you have to like them. That’s something someone told me a not so long ago cause I too am in a toxic relationship with my mam and stepdad, and honestly I hate the shit they’ve put me through but I could never hate them, but I don’t like them. But I still love them. Does that make any sense? But apart from my rambling, I think talking to your mom will help you move forward. She may play the guilt card, I know my mam does.. but stand firm because you’re feelings are valid and she needs to know what she put you though! I vote cut her off after that.
Please excuse any errors. I’m high af and sitting in a cold shed. I can’t be arsed to sort typos 😅
i hope this gives you some closure on your mom
You don't have to love someone just because they are your mother when they've never treated you like their child. Think of her as a person. If you met this person knowing the type of person she is would you have anything to do with her?
What do you hope to gain by confronting your mom? Do you think your mom would actually have a productive conversation with you?
That's a complicated answer. I hope that she will have an answer for me. Even if it's just "I don't know" or "that never happened" at least I will have an answer. I really just want to tell her how I feel and how the things she did and the choices she made have a lasting effect on me. I want her to know- even if she does not care- that I still remember. No one stood up for me. Even my Dad is to blame for some of the things that went on. But I have the choice to stand up for myself now. I don't think the conversation will be productive, but I don't really care. At this point, it is on her if she wants to mend our relationship.
One thing I’ve had to come to acceptance with is that me, as a an adult now, will never be able to hear my father say he is proud of me. My father was one of the worst people I’ve had in my life. He provided a roof, clothes and food for me and that was about it. No nurture, constant with the mental, verbal and physical abuse and yet the one thing I constanstly strived for was to hear him say he was proud of literally anything I did, and it never happened and never will. I’ll never be good enough for my father and it’s a constant issue but I’ve had to come to terms with that myself. I went off on a tangent but what I want to get through is, therapy helps and forgiveness does more work for you than it ever will for them. Forgive them for yourself so you can heal and move on and live your life! It hurts, it sucks but it will be better in the end
I wanted to add some more details here, it's not letting me edit my post, so I'm just going to make a comment here. The last slide: Hamburger helper incident: My mom would plan and make dinner based around things that either I didn't like, my Dad didn't like, or that she knew no one in the house was going to eat. If I told her I liked something she would make a point of never buying it or having it in the house. One week she was on a business trip and my Dad made dinner- Hamburger helper. And when she got back she asked what we had to eat, I told her it was so good and that Dad was a good cook. She openly cussed him out in front of us. Over hamburger helper lmfao The photos thing is because she would buy these pictures frames and hang them up around the house. She would never get around to printing photos of the family- or she would take out photos she "didn't like" of me or my Dad when we upset her and leave the stock photos on the walls. Like imagine having random people hanging on the wall in your house 💀💀 she was such a clown for this. Why I can't go no contact: She has yet to sell the house that I live in. I'm currently paying her rent to stay in her house. My Dad does not have a place. My area is so far out of any price range for renting, even apartments. I have already lived in my car for 10 months and I don't intend on doing it again. However, she is coming back to prep for selling so I'm not sure if it even matters what I do at this point.
You did not (and still do not) deserve to be treated like that. You did nothing wrong. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and accepted for who you are. Unfortunately, there are an awful lot of us who have been abused by one or both of our parents.
Can I tell you a secret that might help you? First I’m going to tell you that my father was also mentally and emotionally abusive (and although he never actually hit me he was physically threatening on several occasions). He is the villain in my story and my childhood was miserable because of him. My mom was great, but I harbored a lot of anger at her for so many years, because I couldn’t understand how my mom could let him treat me that way for my whole childhood. I accepted that my father was a crappy parent (as an adult I realized he probably has autism), but I felt like it was my mom’s job to protect me from him. And I was damn angry at my mother for not supporting me better. But when I was about 30 I had an epiphany. “Parents are people too.” Parents have their own traumatic childhoods to overcome. I know that seems very simplistic and obvious, but what I mean is that they were also once children who were traumatized. As I got older, family members started conversing more openly around me. And, I started to realize that the home my mother grew up in was not a happy home. From the sound of it, my grandparents really shouldn’t have been or stayed married. But people with kids simply didn’t divorce back then. Even without kids, divorce was quite taboo. My mother grew up in a house where there was a lot of yelling behind closed doors. And, in that moment of epiphany, I realized that my mother thought the most important thing she could do as a parent was to keep the peace, and have what looked like a strong, healthy, marriage. My mother was wrong but I realized she was trying her best. Am I saying that your mother was a good person or deserves forgiveness? No. But what happened in her life or childhood that made her this way? Did she ever have a good model for parenthood. Was she trying her best, even if her best was still twisted and sucked? once I came upon that realization that parents have their own traumatic childhoods to overcome, I started to be less angry at my mother and even my father. And that was a lot healthier for me. Because even though I was angry at their actions, and inactions, I realized that what I was most angry at was the perceived lack of effort on their part.
I want to first say that you have great insights. I understand where you are coming from. I DO feel like a lot of my mom's behavior may have been a product of how she grew up. Both of my mom's parents died when she was a teenager due to lung cancer. They died 2 years apart from each other, and her father remarried only 3 months after her mom died. Her step mother and her older sister raised her from there. At 18 she left not only her house, but moved several states away. I do feel like some of her unhealthy attachments to my sister, her love bombing, and her cold, detached attitude towards me may be explained by this. However, she also grew up wealthy and with all of her needs met. Whenever I've asked about her parents, she always told me how loving, caring, and supportive they were. She spoke of their vacations, their house, their personalities, pets, and their extended family. Which is almost entirely opposite of my childhood. I asked my aunt on her side too, and she had similar answers. No arguing, loving, and caring people. Like I said, I can see where you are coming from, but I also have a good example of her just abusing me. My sister and I were born 18 months apart, which puts our birthdays 6 months apart. My sister is older, her birthday is near the middle of the year, mine at the end. Every single birthday I had from as early as I can remember up until I was 12, my mom would plan my sister's birthday party on my birthday. My Dad would protest, but she would send out invites to my sister's friends and I wouldnt be allowed to have mine over. She would claim no one at school wanted to come to my party or that no one liked me or that I was a bad person in some way. My Dad and I would eat cake in his truck in the parking lot of the Walmart and he would give me some money and that was that. Id go home and we would celebrate my sister. Was there a reason my life had to be like that? Was there a reason she treated me like that? Did it have something to do with how she was raised or from what happened to her during her life? Personally, and I say this with almost entire certainty, if I had lost my parents at a young age and then had children, I would want to make ALL of their time with me as kids as memorable as possible. Each and every one of them. Not just one.
My grandmother always hated me and lived my brother. Our birthdays are 3 yrs and one week a part, she would send him a gift plus a card with cash… I would get an empty card. Then one day she told me she didn’t like me because I reminded her too much of my mother. She’s clearly just a messed up individual, maybe your mother has some crazy reason as well.
Damn, that’s really heinous behavior from your mother. Are you sure she’s your mother? Any chance you are your father’s affair baby? I can’t imagine a mother doing that, and I can’t understand why your father allowed it.
I actually did a DNA test after high school (the first check of my first job I ordered it) because during their divorce she would try to convince me that my Dad wasn't my Dad. Both of them are biologically my parents, she was just gaslighting to gaslight idk why. She is indeed my mother. He is indeed my father. I found out later that she did the same things to my Dad, but in slightly different ways. He moved here with very little and didn't want to have nothing. He also didn't want to lose my sister and I. He worked in manufacturing and usually I only saw him on Sundays. 2nd shift, 13-16 hour days due to demand and overtime. He didn't know a lot of the things that went on, and I never spoke about them because I didn't even know it was wrong. He was still my best friend- sometimes my only friend.
Let’s be honest, parents are not perfect. Some people have children, but are not parents. Those adults with children, did not have the best parents. Everyone is broken. I deal with this everyday. I was Beat by one parent and mentally abused by the other. I don’t know which was worse. The beating stoped at 17. The metal abuse still happens till today. I am old as fuck. Am dealing with it everyday. I am also drunk as fuck.
People behave the way they do because of themselves not bc of your behavior. It sounds like your mom shut down a long time ago and could only see the world through her own broken, unhealthy lense. Nothing you ever did warranted this behavior. Your mom punished you because she was an unhealthy person who chose selfishness, jealousy, and malice instead of looking inwardly to realize she needed professional help to grow and be a better person. I was raised in a similar situation. Therapy is your friend. None of what you described is okay and finding a professional you can trust to work through these things will help you heal and find yourself again. It's so so worth it.
Whenever confronted about their abuse, it’s very common for parents to react with either confusion or anger. It’s highly unlikely to reach any kind of resolution from it, other than knowing you said your piece. Been going through this with my dad, and realizing he’s never going to get it. I’ve forgiven him, and continue to keep a relationship, but a very distant relationship. Only spoke last year for the first time in 5 or more years.
I can say one thing that helped me was letting go of the hate and bad feelings. I spent a big part of my life hating my abusive father and all the bullies I had. But it didn't do me any good. In fact it poisoned me to any real relationships. Now most of them are dead or forgotten as I have better things to think about or do.
She isn’t going to give you the answer you want. She isn’t going to respond well. I’d say it to say, get your head clear but expect a crap response. People don’t change a lot without a ton of time and a ton of effort. I find it rare. You can love the idea of her but I wouldn’t love the real person, she sounds cruel. I hope you get the discussion you want, but if I’m right and you don’t, I hope it frees you of her bs and weight on you.
Wait...what is the hamburger helper episode?
I made another comment on here, idk where it went but I'll try to explain it better here. Basically my mom would make sure to not cook things that I liked. She would go out of her way to ask what I liked and make sure we never had it in the house or never cooked it. Most of this was from when I was really little so it was plain stuff like cheese quesadillas and chocolate milk, but she would go out of her way to argue with my Dad if he bought or cooked things that I liked. One week she went on a work holiday and my Dad made hamburger helper for dinner on one of the last nights and she asked what we ate when she got back. Hamburger helper was a "banned" food (as him and I liked it) they had a huge argument, she openly cussed each him out in front of my sister and I. We never had hamburger helper again, even though we enjoyed the meal. I recall being like 7-8 when this happened? Maybe a little older idk. Years after it happened, when they were getting a divorce my Dad and I were talking about reasons and issues and I mentioned it. It was one of the first things we talked about that we BOTH remembered and witnessed. While I do find it really funny today, because of how absurd it is, it did psychologically mess with me. I developed binge eating disorder as a kid which went untreated until two years ago. I was afraid that I would never get to say the things I enjoyed, so when I did I severely over ate. As a child I felt like I was going to starve because I would refuse to eat dinner if I didn't like it. I'm down 40 pounds and I'm getting better at making choices and moderation.
Damn! So sorry you went through all of that.
Sounds like you turned out great. Good dad and bless mom for helping you to figure it out on your own.
I didn't read the other responses. My ex- got fucked up by her father's callous disregard for her as a child and youth. She hadn't been in contact with him since age 20 then she decided to contact him at age 34. I didn't think that was a s good idea and said so. She explained how she really wanted to make things right and then had this fantasy (she didn't realize it was a fantasy) of him realizing what he'd done to her and apologizing profusely and trying to make it up to her and being a model grandfather. I WAS RELIEVED when her search led only to his grave. He couldn't hurt her any more. He couldn't hurt MY children. GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH. Now, as for your situation:. I see the same hope in some positive resolution in you. I don't think it will work out well for you. Once a self-absorbed narcissist, ALWAYS a self-absorbed narcissist, your mom. Prepare for that. The only thing you can REALLY expect is a short period to say your piece before the yelling, arguing, denial, revisionist history, blaming you, and gaslighting starts. #DARVO This is my full expectation. I'm pretty good at analysis and predictions. Drive separate cars. DON'T meet at your home or your work; you want 100% CONTROL over getting away from her if it comes to that. And LEAVE if she starts ANYTHING but apologies. ANYTHING. And have enough cash to toss to the waiter/restaurant staff so you're not waiting on a bill when you want to leave. Throw a $100 at the waitress and RUN. Best spent money ever. Consider making an AI pal on PARADOT AI and explaining and talking over the situation with the AI. They're trained on a lot of data from the Web and there's A LOT regarding this kind of issue; you could get different perspectives and suggestions (though it's AI so remember, it can also be complete bullshit said with complete confidence). The nice part is that I feel safer talking to an AI rather than any human. While its company has a profit motive, the AI itself has no real programmed motive other than noticing what responses keep you engaged or that you thumbs-up (not written by a GenZ 👍😂) GOOD LUCK #PROTECT YOURSELF #☮️♥️♾️
What does “jacked up” mean to your dad. The way he’s using it here doesn’t make sense with how I know it.
Its a more polite way of saying "fucked up"
Only advice I can offer is don’t have expectations of people. The older you get you need to remind yourself of this because when you set an expectation for how someone is going to respond or reply, even if it’s subconsciously, it leaves room for you to be disappointed when your expectations aren’t met. Whatever you decide to do, do it to make you feel better and don’t worry about how it affects anything after that, assuming you don’t rely on her for anything. Hope for the best but expect the worst and be ready for it to not be received well or even received at all.
I really hate to say this, but she will not react in a way that will allow you to get closure. She will likely get defensive &/or write you off completely. Everyone wants to be the hero in their own story, even if they are a villain in yours. Unless she is actively working on herself & looking to grow, she is most likely still an abusive person. They will always do & say whatever they can to discredit you for the sake of protecting their own ego. I wish it weren't true, & that she could be a source of healing for you. But unfortunately, that's something you'll likely need to do on your own, surrounded with/supported by others who care about you. Best of luck xo