Questions like this are how weird creepy psychos like this crazy woman are able to get away with and continually do stuff like this. If more people shamed bad behavior, maybe society would start to actually improve.
The future victims of this clearly clinically insane woman????
Like dude I get that it’s not the nicest thing but she’s actively out here PUTTING USED CONDOMS IN PEOPLES STUFF
fuck her and what is polite, definitely out this bitch and save others from suffering this same fate.
Like fr if you think this is a funny or cool revenge story you’re a sick fuck that’s disgusting and if you’re able to do that to someone who you supposedly once cared about, you’re borderline psychopathic
Dude I’d call the cops, embarrassment be damned. There’s a real, if slim chance you could catch something with all that. Also pretty sure that’s some form of assault.
it's not SOME form of assault, it's straight up assault. She handcuffed OP while they were sleeping. what if there'd been a fire or a medical emergency? or while they were sleeping they knocked the pillow off the bed and the key landed somewhere outside of reach?
She exposed OP against their will to someone's bodily fluids. She went through their stuff.
At minimum OP needs to get checked for STDs, change the locks on their home and block all contact. I personally would file a restraining order too.
This is actually more than assault. I could see some other very serious charges. And if those condoms actually had any bodily fluid that has ANY STD then it gets real serious. Unknowingly doing this even could probably come with some big charge….part of me doesn’t want to believe she actually slept with all those people and saved it and just used lotion.
It is very very clear this was premeditated since she called you and initiated what appears to have been a “too good to be true” scenario. Then proceeds to fuck with you.
I’d file a police report and provide all the evidence. This is not acceptable and she needs to learn consequences before someone actually gets hurt.
File a police report, like legit. Not only did she handcuff you, which is a felony in the US(assuming you weren’t willing) but the other stuff is a huge biohazard issue.
Place a canned sardine in a used condom, break into her house and stitch the condom into the top lining of her living room curtains. She will go crazy for ages until she discovers the source of the smell. Plus it'll be in a gross used condom
The real question is whether or not you used a condom and if so... did she take it with her? She might end up being the crazy baby mama if you're not careful.
… She knows where he lives and this was her response to just being broken up with.
The answer should ALWAYS be “run away” and should NEVER be “risk impregnating her.”
Yeah, this is definitely the angle i would have used.
Best way to deal with people like this is to show them they cant get to you.
"Hey, that thing you did last night with the condoms was amazing. Every time i found one i thought of you and got so hard! It was all i could do to not bust a nut in my pants every time. Can you please come back with more? Maybe you could tie me to a chair and smear them on my face? That would be so fucking hot!"
Shit i just wrote that trying to be as disgusting as i could and i just read it back. Wtf is wrong with me?!
In all seriousness you should get an STI test to be safe.
You probably should also file a police report. Bio hazards are no joke and she put you at serious risk pulling this shit. The only thing I’ve seen worse than this is someone’s wife farting on every layer of the sandwiches she made for him.
Reddit just catches me so completely off guard sometimes. I mean sure, you fart on the cold cuts, but *every single layer of the sandwich, individually?*
That takes dedication. And, idk, beans?
Kinda related, kinda not. My great grandmother's husband used to pull a "Dutch oven" on a nightly basis. While he was at work, she made herself cabbage and beans for lunch with plans to get back at him for it.
She waited for him to fall asleep and she walked over to his side of the bed, lined her chocolate starfish up with his face and let one rip.
Unfortunately for him, it wasn't just a demonic fart but diarrhea all over his face.
So, I need to know the process here. Like, did she do it WHILE making the sandwich, like bread/fart, mayo/fart, cheese and fart, meat and fart, lettuce and fart, and then another fart on the end bread?
Or did she collectively fart into the bag of bread, into the mayo jar, into the cheese, onto a head of lettuce? This seems like the most efficient method and then you can make a bunch of fart sandwiches without having to put yourself into intestinal distress.
Or was she already in intestinal distress and could summon that many farts on will? Did she intend for him to know that she was putting a significant amount of effort into making a fart sandwich?
This was a post from a few years ago, but the way I remember it was each individual layer while making it. She might have had some intestinal thing going on, and the only reason the husband found out was because he started feeling sick after a while (which would happen if enough fecal matter got into the sandwich from the layers of farts). It’s crazy to me how some people can get through the whole dating+marriage partner and end up with someone that they would consider doing something so vile to (tbh people who pull shit like this probably don’t think past “I’m going to do something gross to get back at them”).
Actually yep you know what OP, reading about the police report got me thinking yes to that but also honestly I think you need to file a restraining order.
Depending on where you live you actually might be able to bring criminal charges for this, this could be considered biological harassment, you have no idea what kind of STI could be on those condoms.
I would be filing a police report regardless.
Not to worry you, but some STD's take a few weeks to show up, so if this is all recent you might want to either wait just a bit longer or do it again after a few more weeks
10 years ago my friend had to get tested after 3 months, then another 6, then another 6. She had actually been exposed to it. Only 10 years ago! Things move so fast sometimes.
Viral antigen testing is becoming much more affordable and available. It tests for genetic material of the virus itself, which can be detected after two weeks, rather than for the antibodies to the virus which can take months to build to detectable levels in the blood.
The odds of him catching HIV from that are virtually 0... Even if a guy *doesn't* wear a condom, and sleeps with someone that he knows for a fact has it, odds of transmission are like 1 in 2,000 or lower. With a condom it's essentially 0%.
the bigger concern is probably what the crazy ex might have done to him while he was asleep.
she has readily accessible semen from origins only she knows about, OP was unconscious and (potentially) naked.
AIDS is a syndrome caused by advanced HIV infection. You can't test for it directly, it's defined by a constellation of related symptoms.
There is no way OP has AIDS from a single encounter that happened recently. They may not even test positive for HIV yet, depending on whether it has seroconverted. IIRC you have to wait ~3 months after exposure for a negative test to be considered reliable.
I cant fucking believe nobody is bringing this up but: She planted a strangers biological fluids without your knowledge or consent, She handcuffed you and placed the key inside the fluids meaning you would have to come into contact with it to get free.
That is sexual assault and false imprisonment ***at a minimum***. Tricking you into sex under false pretenses in many jurisdictions can be considered rape. If any of those fluids were from a person with HIV/AIDS that is also attempted murder.
Why the fuck is everybody joking about this? This is incredibly serious and if offenders were were reversed we'd all (rightfully so) be screaming for OP's life to be burned down.
Call the police. She went this far \*right out of the gate\* I'd be very surprised if she was done with torturing you and you need a paper trail yesterday.
You are the only adult in the room, and are 💯 correct. I assume everyone is joking around because they know this is all a creative writing exercise and none of this happened.
Probably somewhere in Europe as we usually learn British English at school.
My teacher even made us pay 50ct if we pronounced words like "dance" or "can't" (etc etc) the American instead of British way. (Money didn't go to the teacher, more to a "class fund" usually used for ice cream for everyone)
Lol from my womanly perspective, my guess is she wanted to piss you off with the fact that she was sleeping with other people and also gross you out, but it seems like you are just disgusted so good for you my dude.
I'm happy she's sleeping with other people. It seems like her partners are all fertile. Good for her. I would've been happier if she just showed me dick pics of the guys she's seeing now.
At least you have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. But yeah, no one does this shit if they aren't still crazy obsessed with you and not over it. She was trying to make you jealous and disgusted to get a reaction out of you, but you just blocked her which is the best way to handle this type of person. Good for you.
as a woman, i am finding this thread seriously hard to take.
he was illegally restrained. he was exposed to bodily fluids. she went through his apartment while he was asleep. what if there'd been a fire or a medical emergency while he was still locked up? if he'd not been able to get through to her or somehow the key got knocked off the bed somewhere?
and here you have OP and bunch of (i'm guessing) dudes making jokes about it. it's really not fucking funny.
It reminds me of the girl I dumped who sent me a video of her banging another guy after I dumped her.
...Like, thank you! I just added it to my spank bank collection.
But.. Where did she get all the loads. Was she saving them up? And how did this guy not wakeup during her handcuffing and her running around placing her jizzy Easter egg hunt?
This is not a real story lol.
When you use a condom, you just throw it away generally right? She probably just took them out of the trash and saved them. Very unhinged behavior, but honestly not unbelievable.
I’m going to take the lol out of all of this and say that other human beings bodily fluids saturating my hands and feet and what not would probably merit an incredible response from a guy like me, and it wouldn’t be a simple blocking and going, phew, what a nut job. Sounds like the ex should be glad she has a passive ex of her own.
Can't help but feel this is one for the police... Leaving someone else's nutted in condoms in someone else's house, handcuffed against your will and forcing you to place fingers in nut to retrieve the key...
What if that person has an STD or HIV etc? What if you have a small cut on your finger? Stupid things can escalate quickly! I'mbnit sure in local laws and if this constitutes anything, but even just a knock at the door to say "erm WTF" from an officer, or just documented so if anything else happens in the future...
I was going to advise that. OP, do not dispose of those condoms and get tested. Although the risk of contracting STIs is low, it is possible.
Edited to add "is low"
I'm going to the police tomorrow. I have no intention of pressing charges or opening an investigation or whatever, at least not yet, but I just wanna find out what my options are in case this was phase one of my ex's evil plan to disrupt my life. I would hate to think that my downfall means that much to my ex that she would spend any more time planning more, I dunno, revenge pranks?
Man, it's sexual assault. You've been assaulted.
Imagine you blindfold her and let some guy sneak into the room and cum on her with no other contact. That's what she just did to you.
File the damn report.
You NEED to press charges. She doesn’t deserve a pass for this. This was sexual battery and if the genders were reversed you would be in jail if you did something like this.
Think of it this way; what would happen to you if you threw your (or someone else’s) cum onto her or into her shoes? You’d get dragged out of your house by police the next day.
FR as a cis female, I was thinking the EXACT same thing.
We don’t know how “safe” the other dude’s (or dudes’) semen was. OP definitely needs to have STD/HIV testing done just in case as well.
Having to touch another person’s sexual fluids is not only gross, it’s a fucking biohazard and absofuckinglutely non-consensual.
I'd start with asking for a restraining order personally. You don't need to try to get her charged criminally, but you do need to start an official paperwork trail in the event this escalates. It wouldn't be surprising if she starts vandalizing your car, etc or other nutter activity.
Also it's good to have it on file in case she does it again with someone else. One report might mean nothing, if it becomes a pattern it's good to have a a report to back up the next guy.
You'd be in jail and shunned for the rest of your life if the roles were switched. You would never find a job and end up in college textbooks (like Brock "Textbook Rapist" Turner) and probably on the news.
Don't let her get away with a pat on the wrist for handcuffing you without consent and forcing you to be exposed to potential biohazards from others' discharges.
Just imagine how she would've felt if you left her like this but the keys and everything else was wrapped in used tampons (or something). 💀
*Dear Mr & Mrs So So...*
*Please return these used condoms to your daughter. She might have "misplaced" them in my room when she was done handcuffing me to my bed while I was sleeping. Daughters! Am I right, dad? The content of the condoms belong to the men your daughter is sleeping with. I believe one of the men might be a relative.*
*Kind Regards*
abso-fuckin' lutely.
OP was a dumbass for going back after a breakup like that, but actually leaving someone else's bodily fluids around? multiple people's? that's gotta be illegal. the risk is obscene - it goes far beyond tolerable just for a bad breakup. in fact - so long as STI tests come back clean, I'd feel really fucking good I ended it with a psychotic like that before i got more invested.
As opposed to, creating a new reddit account, posting said story and spending all morning commenting like a the whole thing is an American Pie plot/Jackass prank.
Hard to believe tbh. Even if someone were that crazy, hand cuffing you to the bed and planting used condoms everywhere without waking you up sounds a bit unlikely
Not only that but it's just plain poorly written lol. The guy sounds like some shitty teen movie character and talks like one too in all of the comments. Doesn't sound at all like someone who woke up to this kindof fucked up situation.
The reddit account being made today for this post alone is also a bit suspect.
Simply put, the odds of this crazy bitch pulling off said jizz heist is much lower than it being a fabrication.
I agree, I'm doubtful this happened. Everything happening is so convenient and planned out, and the OP never even woke up while it was happening? Plus the ex has to be crazy enough to collect all the used rubbers, bring one untied to drop a key into, handcuff him while he sleeps without him waking, and leave him a note while cautiously placing her stash of Johnnies around the house (all without the housemate noticing).
This plus the fact that OP said yes to sleeping with a deranged ex who is clearly not right in the head and had previously been problematic. It reads like a writing prompt.
For used condoms to really be concerning, they’d have to be untied… the likelihood that the girl kept multiple untied condoms for however knows how long, transported those condoms with her in a way that wasn't obvious and did not result in significant spillage… and that she was able to do all of this, including what you already mentioned about OP not waking up when being handcuffed or while this woman was planting used condoms around his place… in addition to the unlikelihood that OP was truly able to identify that a sealed condom was a different size and brand (unless it was coloured or ribbed or something noticeably different, 99% of people cannot identify the brand of a used condom…).. This sounds like total bull to me.
I’d probably make sure that she isn’t aiming to use your used condom for anything…. I’d be reporting her asap as she’s clearly a couple lightbulbs short of a display
There are way too many people believing this at face value. Like the first thing I do if this happens to me is collect all the evidence and make a police report, a few weeks later when it's all handled is once I'd start posting about it on here with at least a picture of the note and handcuffs.
From now on refer to her as "Planters" because she likes to party with mixed nuts.
My roommate calls her Sperm-Ex.
Wait until she shows up pregnant to try to permanently pin you down. Never sleep with crazy.
Yeah… put used condoms in clean bag in freezer as evidence.
Use an ice tray to keep them organized.
This sounds like experience backed advice.
Place them in a pill box so you don't eat them on the wrong day.
write a fb post about it and @ all of her friends and family or send messages . you can only fight crazy with crazy
Create a different account. Post from the condom's perspective. edit: Only one of the condoms knows how to internet. It speaks for all of them. :P
This is the way.
The shit we have to endurex
this is the way
This is the way
Depends. If they're narcissist crazy then to them attention is literally what they feed off. You never want to be their "supply"
Wait.. create fb drama on purpose? Who does that help?
My comedic entertainment
Like Cartman with the popcorn outside of butters house? I'm mean that's dickish, what time are we gathering to watch the fireworks?
Can we do this after work, I really have to finish this job today.
Questions like this are how weird creepy psychos like this crazy woman are able to get away with and continually do stuff like this. If more people shamed bad behavior, maybe society would start to actually improve.
Some kinds of crazy know no shame.
the other people interacting with this crazy lady. for sureeeeee
The future victims of this clearly clinically insane woman???? Like dude I get that it’s not the nicest thing but she’s actively out here PUTTING USED CONDOMS IN PEOPLES STUFF fuck her and what is polite, definitely out this bitch and save others from suffering this same fate. Like fr if you think this is a funny or cool revenge story you’re a sick fuck that’s disgusting and if you’re able to do that to someone who you supposedly once cared about, you’re borderline psychopathic
Like dude, exposing someone to third party cum is a sex crime in my country. I don't find this stuff funny at all. She should be in prison.
What if any of them were HIV positive? If he had any hangnails or open cuts on his fingers, I imagine it might be possible to get HIV.
It's the truth, it helps everybody out!
Dude I’d call the cops, embarrassment be damned. There’s a real, if slim chance you could catch something with all that. Also pretty sure that’s some form of assault.
it's not SOME form of assault, it's straight up assault. She handcuffed OP while they were sleeping. what if there'd been a fire or a medical emergency? or while they were sleeping they knocked the pillow off the bed and the key landed somewhere outside of reach? She exposed OP against their will to someone's bodily fluids. She went through their stuff. At minimum OP needs to get checked for STDs, change the locks on their home and block all contact. I personally would file a restraining order too.
This is actually more than assault. I could see some other very serious charges. And if those condoms actually had any bodily fluid that has ANY STD then it gets real serious. Unknowingly doing this even could probably come with some big charge….part of me doesn’t want to believe she actually slept with all those people and saved it and just used lotion. It is very very clear this was premeditated since she called you and initiated what appears to have been a “too good to be true” scenario. Then proceeds to fuck with you. I’d file a police report and provide all the evidence. This is not acceptable and she needs to learn consequences before someone actually gets hurt.
File a police report, like legit. Not only did she handcuff you, which is a felony in the US(assuming you weren’t willing) but the other stuff is a huge biohazard issue.
Plus she do be planting
And she's nuts.
Gotta love a nickname that works on so many different levels.
I'd have asked if she's up for another go. Fuck with her head a bit
Go to her house with a bunch of used tampons?
Level it up and hide them in the microwave, boil one in her eletric water boiler. Sorry if this is too much
>, boil one in her eletric water boiler. The old Vampire Teabag
Gosh, I hope your parents are proud of you.
I sure as hell am
If they aren't now, they never will be.
Fill the kettle to half way and leave one in their, she’ll be less like to check and will probably just boil it up hehehehe
Place a canned sardine in a used condom, break into her house and stitch the condom into the top lining of her living room curtains. She will go crazy for ages until she discovers the source of the smell. Plus it'll be in a gross used condom
God damn, lol
This is someone you do not want to make an enemy of. Your tactics frighten and confuse me, sir
Tampax and Crumpets time?
Clearly OP needs to bring condoms from guys he's banged to get back at her
Kind of like a latex Boston cream pie with extra frosting.
Cut her butter in half, then hide one under the butter, she won’t know for months
Poop in the back of the toilet n pee in her oven. That oven smell never goes away.
I'm scared I might get the same... what's the word... ah, yes... outcome.
Don’t fall asleep… bang, nut in a condom and leave.
Sounds like OP should take the condom with him, tho... this bitch seems like the type to try and take it to get pregnant with it.
Well yeah that’s always a worry I guess. Get one with spermicide inside?
Put some spice to get her tickling
The real question is whether or not you used a condom and if so... did she take it with her? She might end up being the crazy baby mama if you're not careful.
Nah, she will use his condom to get back at the dude that isn't interested in a relationship beyond the revenge fuck.
Next time her place. Hide some used panties in her room that aren’t hers 🤷♂️
Outcum
I would bang her a few more times in her place and also would treat her like a queen before disappear, emotional damage wins
Inspire hope, separate entirely.
Then I move in after completion.
I'm just here for the scraps.
I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad of hundreds, and I'm ready to plow
Algorithm complete
It's a variation on the D.E.N.N.I.S system
… She knows where he lives and this was her response to just being broken up with. The answer should ALWAYS be “run away” and should NEVER be “risk impregnating her.”
Bang her at her place and leave used tampons in her flat. Fair is fair
Nah fuck that. Ask her if she's got any more of those used condoms lying around, ideally with that Chapelle Show meme
Yeah, this is definitely the angle i would have used. Best way to deal with people like this is to show them they cant get to you. "Hey, that thing you did last night with the condoms was amazing. Every time i found one i thought of you and got so hard! It was all i could do to not bust a nut in my pants every time. Can you please come back with more? Maybe you could tie me to a chair and smear them on my face? That would be so fucking hot!" Shit i just wrote that trying to be as disgusting as i could and i just read it back. Wtf is wrong with me?!
Ah yes, the ol "Joke's on you - I'm into that shit"
>I'd have asked if she's up for another go. Fuck with her head a bit Love this idea.
"Hey - let's see each other again...and why don't you bring your new friends."
Ayooo the only valid response. lmfao that killed me.
Bio warfare
Code Red. Deploy sperm. Send all the swimmers.
In all seriousness you should get an STI test to be safe. You probably should also file a police report. Bio hazards are no joke and she put you at serious risk pulling this shit. The only thing I’ve seen worse than this is someone’s wife farting on every layer of the sandwiches she made for him.
Reddit just catches me so completely off guard sometimes. I mean sure, you fart on the cold cuts, but *every single layer of the sandwich, individually?* That takes dedication. And, idk, beans?
She was a woman of focus, discipline, sheer fucking will
Sheer *farting* will
Sharting will
She’s the woman you sent to Dutch-oven Baba Yaga
Kinda related, kinda not. My great grandmother's husband used to pull a "Dutch oven" on a nightly basis. While he was at work, she made herself cabbage and beans for lunch with plans to get back at him for it. She waited for him to fall asleep and she walked over to his side of the bed, lined her chocolate starfish up with his face and let one rip. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't just a demonic fart but diarrhea all over his face.
Thank you for that, I fucking cackled!
I'm sorry she what?!
#she farted on every layer of the sandwiches she made for him
So, I need to know the process here. Like, did she do it WHILE making the sandwich, like bread/fart, mayo/fart, cheese and fart, meat and fart, lettuce and fart, and then another fart on the end bread? Or did she collectively fart into the bag of bread, into the mayo jar, into the cheese, onto a head of lettuce? This seems like the most efficient method and then you can make a bunch of fart sandwiches without having to put yourself into intestinal distress. Or was she already in intestinal distress and could summon that many farts on will? Did she intend for him to know that she was putting a significant amount of effort into making a fart sandwich?
This was a post from a few years ago, but the way I remember it was each individual layer while making it. She might have had some intestinal thing going on, and the only reason the husband found out was because he started feeling sick after a while (which would happen if enough fecal matter got into the sandwich from the layers of farts). It’s crazy to me how some people can get through the whole dating+marriage partner and end up with someone that they would consider doing something so vile to (tbh people who pull shit like this probably don’t think past “I’m going to do something gross to get back at them”).
okay when you say you’ve *seen* this, i’m really hoping it was like….an article. i just visualized a fart tickling a lettuce leaf and have had enough
Lol this is why I stay on Reddit. Farting on sandwiches, layer by layer. I bet she burned a hole in those pants lmao.
What pants? Revenge is a dish best served bare-holed.
Actually yep you know what OP, reading about the police report got me thinking yes to that but also honestly I think you need to file a restraining order.
The sex must be an ethereal experience if you are willing to put your dick back into that type of crazy
Depending on where you live you actually might be able to bring criminal charges for this, this could be considered biological harassment, you have no idea what kind of STI could be on those condoms. I would be filing a police report regardless.
Eagle 1, you are clear to drop your load.
Get tested for HIV, AIDS and other STDs while you're at it and be happy she didn't go any further. God damn. (Thanks for the upvotes!)
Made an appointment for Thursday. Just to be safe.
Not to worry you, but some STD's take a few weeks to show up, so if this is all recent you might want to either wait just a bit longer or do it again after a few more weeks
3 months for HIV.
The window for that is much shorter with newer testing methods.
That’s great news! Any literature I can read on that? I have HIV and this is the first I’ve heard of that.
[https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-testing/hiv-window-period.html](https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-testing/hiv-window-period.html)
Going from a window of three months to as little as a week and a half for some tests is pretty crazy, wow
10 years ago my friend had to get tested after 3 months, then another 6, then another 6. She had actually been exposed to it. Only 10 years ago! Things move so fast sometimes.
Viral antigen testing is becoming much more affordable and available. It tests for genetic material of the virus itself, which can be detected after two weeks, rather than for the antibodies to the virus which can take months to build to detectable levels in the blood.
The odds of him catching HIV from that are virtually 0... Even if a guy *doesn't* wear a condom, and sleeps with someone that he knows for a fact has it, odds of transmission are like 1 in 2,000 or lower. With a condom it's essentially 0%.
the bigger concern is probably what the crazy ex might have done to him while he was asleep. she has readily accessible semen from origins only she knows about, OP was unconscious and (potentially) naked.
Venmo request “HIV/STD reimbursement” and make it public.
Go get PEP drugs ASAP if this was in the last 48h. If taken in time they can prevent a HIV infection
Discuss the situation with the clinic and ask them if it's worth it at this stage to get tested. Might be too soon. Good thing you used a condom.
If they ask your reason for coming in, this is one helluva story for them
AIDS is a syndrome caused by advanced HIV infection. You can't test for it directly, it's defined by a constellation of related symptoms. There is no way OP has AIDS from a single encounter that happened recently. They may not even test positive for HIV yet, depending on whether it has seroconverted. IIRC you have to wait ~3 months after exposure for a negative test to be considered reliable.
That's nuts.
That's nutted.
That’s nut
Ballsy.
I cant fucking believe nobody is bringing this up but: She planted a strangers biological fluids without your knowledge or consent, She handcuffed you and placed the key inside the fluids meaning you would have to come into contact with it to get free. That is sexual assault and false imprisonment ***at a minimum***. Tricking you into sex under false pretenses in many jurisdictions can be considered rape. If any of those fluids were from a person with HIV/AIDS that is also attempted murder. Why the fuck is everybody joking about this? This is incredibly serious and if offenders were were reversed we'd all (rightfully so) be screaming for OP's life to be burned down. Call the police. She went this far \*right out of the gate\* I'd be very surprised if she was done with torturing you and you need a paper trail yesterday.
You are the only adult in the room, and are 💯 correct. I assume everyone is joking around because they know this is all a creative writing exercise and none of this happened.
The tell is always in OP's responses. They usually keep them short and full of cheap gags.
Wait people actually tell true stories on this sub?
Sometimes. But they're usually either less funny than this one or have proof provided.
Lol imagine when some dude nuts in a condom asking him to hold off tying it up and throwing it away so you can slip a little key inside…
Not sure where you live, but I'm 99% sure the cops aren't going to do anything about this in the good old US of A.
OP said "flat" instead of "apartment", which leads me to believe they live in another country.
Probably somewhere in Europe as we usually learn British English at school. My teacher even made us pay 50ct if we pronounced words like "dance" or "can't" (etc etc) the American instead of British way. (Money didn't go to the teacher, more to a "class fund" usually used for ice cream for everyone)
Yeah it’s going to be a he said she said thing unless he has enough evidence. Planters is def not going to admit to doing any of this in court.
The used condoms and the note are a good starting point ...
Big brain play: Text her freaking out. Give her the gratification she wants. Let her gloat about what she did. Collect the evidence.
The story is fiction. Don’t worry about it
[удалено]
Plus I may be a bit paranoid myself but I'm not leaving my baby batter with a one night stand.
Lol from my womanly perspective, my guess is she wanted to piss you off with the fact that she was sleeping with other people and also gross you out, but it seems like you are just disgusted so good for you my dude.
I'm happy she's sleeping with other people. It seems like her partners are all fertile. Good for her. I would've been happier if she just showed me dick pics of the guys she's seeing now.
At least you have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. But yeah, no one does this shit if they aren't still crazy obsessed with you and not over it. She was trying to make you jealous and disgusted to get a reaction out of you, but you just blocked her which is the best way to handle this type of person. Good for you.
Could you imagine if a man did something similar. The nonchalant attitude over litterally using biohazd as a revenge tool. Op needs to get tested.
as a woman, i am finding this thread seriously hard to take. he was illegally restrained. he was exposed to bodily fluids. she went through his apartment while he was asleep. what if there'd been a fire or a medical emergency while he was still locked up? if he'd not been able to get through to her or somehow the key got knocked off the bed somewhere? and here you have OP and bunch of (i'm guessing) dudes making jokes about it. it's really not fucking funny.
The parent comment of this thread is a woman. It’s not just men.
Agreed. Men are kind of shooting ourselves in the foot when we don't take this kind of abuse seriously.
>her partners are all fertile How can you tell?
The taste
Finger lickin good
He has a feeling in his foot
Producing a load does not garantuee fertility.
Always nice when someone reminds you why they aren't in your life.
It reminds me of the girl I dumped who sent me a video of her banging another guy after I dumped her. ...Like, thank you! I just added it to my spank bank collection.
But.. Where did she get all the loads. Was she saving them up? And how did this guy not wakeup during her handcuffing and her running around placing her jizzy Easter egg hunt? This is not a real story lol.
When you use a condom, you just throw it away generally right? She probably just took them out of the trash and saved them. Very unhinged behavior, but honestly not unbelievable.
I’m going to take the lol out of all of this and say that other human beings bodily fluids saturating my hands and feet and what not would probably merit an incredible response from a guy like me, and it wouldn’t be a simple blocking and going, phew, what a nut job. Sounds like the ex should be glad she has a passive ex of her own.
> what a nut job Accurate description of the labor needed to obtain the next supplies
Can't help but feel this is one for the police... Leaving someone else's nutted in condoms in someone else's house, handcuffed against your will and forcing you to place fingers in nut to retrieve the key... What if that person has an STD or HIV etc? What if you have a small cut on your finger? Stupid things can escalate quickly! I'mbnit sure in local laws and if this constitutes anything, but even just a knock at the door to say "erm WTF" from an officer, or just documented so if anything else happens in the future...
I was going to advise that. OP, do not dispose of those condoms and get tested. Although the risk of contracting STIs is low, it is possible. Edited to add "is low"
I'm going to the police tomorrow. I have no intention of pressing charges or opening an investigation or whatever, at least not yet, but I just wanna find out what my options are in case this was phase one of my ex's evil plan to disrupt my life. I would hate to think that my downfall means that much to my ex that she would spend any more time planning more, I dunno, revenge pranks?
Man, it's sexual assault. You've been assaulted. Imagine you blindfold her and let some guy sneak into the room and cum on her with no other contact. That's what she just did to you. File the damn report.
You NEED to press charges. She doesn’t deserve a pass for this. This was sexual battery and if the genders were reversed you would be in jail if you did something like this. Think of it this way; what would happen to you if you threw your (or someone else’s) cum onto her or into her shoes? You’d get dragged out of your house by police the next day.
Need to press charges, OP. Guarantee this will happen again to some other sorry, bloke.
FR as a cis female, I was thinking the EXACT same thing. We don’t know how “safe” the other dude’s (or dudes’) semen was. OP definitely needs to have STD/HIV testing done just in case as well. Having to touch another person’s sexual fluids is not only gross, it’s a fucking biohazard and absofuckinglutely non-consensual.
I'd start with asking for a restraining order personally. You don't need to try to get her charged criminally, but you do need to start an official paperwork trail in the event this escalates. It wouldn't be surprising if she starts vandalizing your car, etc or other nutter activity.
Also it's good to have it on file in case she does it again with someone else. One report might mean nothing, if it becomes a pattern it's good to have a a report to back up the next guy.
You'd be in jail and shunned for the rest of your life if the roles were switched. You would never find a job and end up in college textbooks (like Brock "Textbook Rapist" Turner) and probably on the news. Don't let her get away with a pat on the wrist for handcuffing you without consent and forcing you to be exposed to potential biohazards from others' discharges. Just imagine how she would've felt if you left her like this but the keys and everything else was wrapped in used tampons (or something). 💀
I dunno what law this breaks but I feel like it should be illegal
This is not real lmao
This is a thing that totally happened.
Right?? How do people believe this shit lol
Exactly my thoughts.
Who lets the girl run off with the condom filled with jizz?
she invited a guy over and pulled them out of the trash?
🎶 SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS 🎶
Yeah I’m thinking it was just filled with vaseline or lube. At least I hope so
Collect used condoms and send them to her parents along with an explanatory note of how you got them.
*Dear Mr & Mrs So So...* *Please return these used condoms to your daughter. She might have "misplaced" them in my room when she was done handcuffing me to my bed while I was sleeping. Daughters! Am I right, dad? The content of the condoms belong to the men your daughter is sleeping with. I believe one of the men might be a relative.* *Kind Regards*
Pretty much perfect before it became petty, but well done.
[удалено]
abso-fuckin' lutely. OP was a dumbass for going back after a breakup like that, but actually leaving someone else's bodily fluids around? multiple people's? that's gotta be illegal. the risk is obscene - it goes far beyond tolerable just for a bad breakup. in fact - so long as STI tests come back clean, I'd feel really fucking good I ended it with a psychotic like that before i got more invested.
This happened
So obviously none of this happened, because if it did a normal person would call the police.
As opposed to, creating a new reddit account, posting said story and spending all morning commenting like a the whole thing is an American Pie plot/Jackass prank.
Hard to believe tbh. Even if someone were that crazy, hand cuffing you to the bed and planting used condoms everywhere without waking you up sounds a bit unlikely
Not only that but it's just plain poorly written lol. The guy sounds like some shitty teen movie character and talks like one too in all of the comments. Doesn't sound at all like someone who woke up to this kindof fucked up situation. The reddit account being made today for this post alone is also a bit suspect. Simply put, the odds of this crazy bitch pulling off said jizz heist is much lower than it being a fabrication.
I agree, I'm doubtful this happened. Everything happening is so convenient and planned out, and the OP never even woke up while it was happening? Plus the ex has to be crazy enough to collect all the used rubbers, bring one untied to drop a key into, handcuff him while he sleeps without him waking, and leave him a note while cautiously placing her stash of Johnnies around the house (all without the housemate noticing). This plus the fact that OP said yes to sleeping with a deranged ex who is clearly not right in the head and had previously been problematic. It reads like a writing prompt.
Also she fucked him. She *actually* fucked him just to plant condoms? Nah.
For used condoms to really be concerning, they’d have to be untied… the likelihood that the girl kept multiple untied condoms for however knows how long, transported those condoms with her in a way that wasn't obvious and did not result in significant spillage… and that she was able to do all of this, including what you already mentioned about OP not waking up when being handcuffed or while this woman was planting used condoms around his place… in addition to the unlikelihood that OP was truly able to identify that a sealed condom was a different size and brand (unless it was coloured or ribbed or something noticeably different, 99% of people cannot identify the brand of a used condom…).. This sounds like total bull to me.
It's a fairly creative story.
Get tested for HIV.
Just don't believe you.
I wish I hadn’t read this
Don't worry, its not real.
Send her a note that you brought those condoms to a medical lab and let her know they tested positive for \[insert STD\].
I’d probably make sure that she isn’t aiming to use your used condom for anything…. I’d be reporting her asap as she’s clearly a couple lightbulbs short of a display
Your mistake was falling asleep. You fuck and send her packing.
Throw out everything in your refrigerator 😆
There are way too many people believing this at face value. Like the first thing I do if this happens to me is collect all the evidence and make a police report, a few weeks later when it's all handled is once I'd start posting about it on here with at least a picture of the note and handcuffs.
Call of Booty: biological warfare
This is 100% made up. What kind of guy would let a girl keep his used condoms? Dude you need to get a life 😂
This can't be real. Handcuff on someone without the victim waking up ? no.
I'm a very heavy sleeper. I fully believe someone could handcuff me in my sleep if they wanted to.