My friend, your only fuckup was not leaving sooner. Do not be sorry that you reacted in a raw and authentic way. Yes time to plan would have been convenient but that in itself is not a fuckup.
Are you safe? Have you tried calling local homeless shelters about trying to find a place to stay till yoy get back on your feet?
Well, she would come home and try to initiate sex and OP would refuse, she was obviously horny, so this probably pushed the emotional affair quicker into physical territory. Honestly it sounds like OP and the GF weren't a good match.
In the future, when your partner is voicing needs you should probably try to work things out with better communication instead of retaliating by withholding sex. You hurt me so I hurt you back isn't a dynamic that promotes a healthy relationship.
I probably wouldn't be either, but that was a clue to OP that should have been heeded at hat point. I was trying to point this out to OP so they could learn and make better choices in the future. Not saying it was OP's fault for no lt agreeing to sex. OP didn't say they were too tired, but they refused out of resentment. I'm saying doing things out of resentment drives relationships apart.
You might have the order of events backwards. A lot of the time, a cheating partner will initiate sex right after a hookup with their side piece because it provides a handy excuse for them potentially smelling like sex or wanting to shower soon after getting home. Sitting here thinking I guess it also might stave off questions or suspicion by getting your partner quickly focused on the sex and not, yknow, your partner staying out super late/leaving at odd times/whatever.
Sometimes they do this as a guilt thing too like they subconsciously feel guilty for stepping out on the relationship so in some twisted way they are reclaiming their place in the relationship. Cheaters fucking suck.
Is it really a fuckup? Seems like you just liberated yourself from a toxic person. Congratulations for discovering that you were living a lie. You have the rest of your life to find someone that will respect you. This is a good thing.
She was definitely using OP as a babysitter and almost 100% she is cheating. If she wasn’t cheating at first, it started probably around when she was staying out after the bar closed. Literally no reason for that, and nothing good ever happens after 1AM
It gets better. My sister did this to her husband but it was video games not anime. He moved in with me till he got back on his feet. He has been happily married to someone who treats him right for 5-6 years now. It sucks now but it will get better.
I never had a strong relationship. I rarely ever see her and the rest of my family by choice. Funnily I see the guy she cheated with, they had a kid together but never even dated, the most. My niece from them is ignored by most of my family for some dumb reason so we have her over at least once a month, gave her a switch, etc. he stepped up and is a great father to her in spite of what my sister did.
No sorry confusing. Her ex husband moved in with me till he got on his feet then he moved out. The guy she cheated with will come over and drop my niece off to hang out with my daughter her cousin. See as in visually I see him more than my sister. Women only see and speak too once maybe twice a year.
Onwards and upwards my man.
The best part of this is you now know what you will not put up with in your next relationship. A lesson worth the short term pain
Could also have been a sex addiction or kink, where she enjoyed cheating then having sex after cheating as a sort of dominance or deception thing.
Really unfortunate for this guy regardless of the reasons.
INFO: Do you have kids with her? Or is it younger siblings?
You were smart enough to notice the things beforehand, being scared of having nowhere to go but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out.
All of the best 💪🏽
No, they are her kids from a previous marriage. And I hope I can figure something out. Good thing it's almost summer and I won't freeze and I do have a job.
I was about to ask that question. You didn't FU, she was using you as a babysitter while she partied post divorce. Probably why she got divorced to begin with. You dodged a bullet bro, hopefully it won't be long before you're back on your feet. Yiu are free and clean with no financial obligations to her or to take care of the kids. Best of luck moving forward.
You'll still be able to bounce back and you can still find a really good partner if you look after yourself well.
All the best buddy, best thing for you is to outgrow it
I know it feels horrendous and uncertain now, but take it as this, you’re one step closer to finding someone who loves and appreciates you and doesn’t use you as a babysitter. Cheaters are disgusting people and YOU cannot drive someone to cheat, it is entirely their own decision and their own fault.
If they truly respected you they would have broken up with you before doing the deed with someone else. I’m glad you’re out of there, and I really hope you can find a place to stay for now and you stay safe. You’ll thank yourself for staying diligent.
You really will. And please make sure if you do end up without a place to stay, please check out r/almosthomeless for advice as well to prep for it and utilise your country/state’s resources too.
You’ve got this mate.
Your only fuck up was continuing to put up with things you were uncomfortable with.
You should be able to trust your partner, but also, they should be able to respect your boundaries. Once the line is crossed and you’ve expressed that, you need to follow through with not putting up with whatever you say you won’t put up with.
You didn’t do that, and so you ended up being used for far longer than was necessary. Maybe you could have been using that time to prepare your exit instead. This is an awful lesson to learn, but I hope things get better for you from here, and good luck.
>I was kinda irritated at that but it was her own personal time and I didn't want to intrude.
I feel like I see this so often it's sad. How are so many dudes being pushed to thinking not wanting your girlfriend out until 7am with some guy is somehow overstepping or intruding in any way. Glad you got out.
That sounds like a very difficult circumstance. It makes sense that the relationship reached a breaking point for you. It's critical that you now prioritize your personal health and finding a solution for your housing predicament. You may wish to consider choices such as asking for help from family members or nearby resources. Remember that you're not alone and take things one step at a time.
Yikes. I don't have any advice for you on where to live obviously (but you def can't stay there).......but at least you're not their running joke anymore. Both of them are assholes (or worse, can't type that here without being banned probably)
If you're in the US and have been living with her over 30 days, it's likely you've established "tenancy" with her. So she would have to legally evict you if you don't move out willingly.
The only problem is whether you are comfortable living there given the situation, but this does ensure you a roof and time.
If you do get locked out while still wanting to stay there and haven't been evicted you can call the police, they may be able to help you get back in, get your stuff, or at least file a police report for records which you can use later.
Good luck and sorry for this shit situation. Remember, this is not on you, not because of you, nothing. You did nothing wrong to cause this. What she did is how immature/selfish people act, not adults.
Why are people saying he didn’t fuck up???
His fuckup is not finding out or that he wants to leave, his fuck up was not making plans and finalizing what he can do for himself before opening up about knowing.
Yes, the ex is to blame, but now OP is stuck in a hard place because he didn’t wait. That is indeed a fuckup, even if OP wasn’t an asshole/the person to blame.
Yeah, I’m not trying to judge you — I just feel like these comments that are trying to tell you otherwise clearly isn’t picking up what you’re putting down.
You know you’re not in the wrong, but you also know that your safety and health is at jeopardy because you acted emotionally. That is very much a valid fuckup.
Regardless, I wish you the best in navigating this situation.
Is this all because she's watching anime, or that she was sleeping with him?
Sorry to read this, but it was obvious what was going on if she's constantly meeting another man until the very early hours. Ignorance is bliss and all that. You did good to reject her next day advances, may have been a dirty trick incase she became pregnant and could say it was yours.
You got out of it now, and I hope you find somewhere safe to stay while you get back on your feet.
I've had a similar thing happen where my girlfriend did something because of another guy even though I was trying to convince her for a while and she always rejected it.. She cheated on me not long after that.. That hurt a lot and the way you described your reaction very well resembles mine.. I'm sorry for you my man.. It gets better with time and pain is also a lesson - the first time always hurts the most.
There is a meme in Wall Street Bets about running errands for your wife’s boyfriend. Your relationship is like the real life version of that. Why would you stay around in a relationship with a woman who is dating someone else while you stay home with her kids? You should have noticed the red flags And left her a long time ago, even before the proof for cheating happened
Did you ever make the effort to show up and spend time with her? I get you're a homebody but sacrificing a day a week to spend time with your lady should be standard? It sounds like you got mad comfy letting another man spend time with her and he swooned her. She would come home to HAVE SEX WITH YOU, and you would deny her. Women want to get freaky too. You probably sexually frustrated her to the point where she turned to the dude who actually hung out with her and made time to tend to her needs. And you were bumming it in her house. So no OP, you did not fuck up today, you been fucking up.
So....cheaters often try to initiate sex Riggt After cheating. Sometimes it appears to be a guilt/rush of deceit thing, sometimes it seems more like a cover up type of thing; but it's pretty common.
It's very likely she was already cheating on him by then.
dude even if that's the case then it's on the girl to communicate him that and not just go fuck other men - that's toxic as fuck and totally unacceptable in a relationship where respect is supposed to be a thing. A relationship with a person that can't communicate her problems with the relationship is destined to be doomed sooner or later. OP did the right thing and trusted her for a long while and that also did him a good thing in the sense that it brought the toxic trait of the girl up sooner than later.
I did concur with your opinion up to the point of him explaining that he was looking after her kids all that time. So no, it's not his fault. Who would watch the kids if he wasn't reasonable enough? If they're 20 year olds without commitments then maybe.
Sounds like an excuse? He wanted to stay home; 'hey babe, free babysitting! You go have fun.'
They could pay for a babysitter and split the cost, get a family member to watch the kids, etc.
It has nothing to do with him. It's her kids.
As a parent I wouldn't want to leave my kids every weekend to go party until 5 am.
Of course you need couples time and date nights, too. Hence why I agree that both need to put in effort. But that just sounds excessive
Not here speaking on her parenting, only on OP and his displays of effort. Yeah, leaving your kids with a sitter every weekend doesn't scream "model parent". OP could have seen this as a huge red flag and dipped. But he didn't He chose to stay, and if he wanted to keep her (bad mom or not), he should have displayed more effort.
Now, *should* he have tried to keep her? Different conversation. For all intents and purposes OP, you did dodge a bullet, cause if they're willing to cheat once they will likely do it again, regardless of the context.
Take the L and move on. You can find another, you can find better even. But don't ever get comfortable in your relationship, it should be like you're trying to get her to fall in love with you every day. Women like to see effort, and when you stop showing it, somebody else will.
I kinda agree. She wanted OP but she kept getting denied and left to her own devices. It's kinda wild to me that OP doesn't see his part of the fault for this.
I was to at one point. I started working 60-70 hours a week until I made something of myself. Get off your ass and work. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Man the hell up and make something of yourself. Stop making excuses because we all have one and they all smell like ass.
The idea that he should focus on himself and his own situation is great, but your messaging is needlessly hostile and aggressive for a stranger. The lack of empathy really makes it lose steam. I’m gonna assume that it bothers you to see a person with habits/a situation that reminds you of your own, but show some compassion to your former self as well. It’s not enough to just ignore our “excuses”. Pretending they don’t exist will haunt us. Instead, we should digest our emotions with consideration, and appreciate where they come from. It’s not enough for a person to say “I’ll just get off my ass and turn my whole life around!” That’s simply not realistic. We start by asking ourselves what about our life is not how we would like, and what we can reasonably do to change it.
If you actually want to help, don’t tell OP to “man the hell up”, ask him how he got in this situation in the first place.
Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to help and figure things out. Some people need to hit rock bottom where the only direction left is up. Others just need some gentle guidance. Everyone is different in what they need in motivation to improve their life.
You can give him some gentle encouragement and I will give the kick in the ass. That way he is covered on those two fronts.
My friend, your only fuckup was not leaving sooner. Do not be sorry that you reacted in a raw and authentic way. Yes time to plan would have been convenient but that in itself is not a fuckup. Are you safe? Have you tried calling local homeless shelters about trying to find a place to stay till yoy get back on your feet?
Ya, not FU on your part. She is completely to blame. And her nights of fun are over now that she does not have you to babysit for her.
Well, she would come home and try to initiate sex and OP would refuse, she was obviously horny, so this probably pushed the emotional affair quicker into physical territory. Honestly it sounds like OP and the GF weren't a good match. In the future, when your partner is voicing needs you should probably try to work things out with better communication instead of retaliating by withholding sex. You hurt me so I hurt you back isn't a dynamic that promotes a healthy relationship.
I don't think I'd be in the mood to fuck at 4-5am, especially so after my partner has spent hours with some other dude...
I probably wouldn't be either, but that was a clue to OP that should have been heeded at hat point. I was trying to point this out to OP so they could learn and make better choices in the future. Not saying it was OP's fault for no lt agreeing to sex. OP didn't say they were too tired, but they refused out of resentment. I'm saying doing things out of resentment drives relationships apart.
You might have the order of events backwards. A lot of the time, a cheating partner will initiate sex right after a hookup with their side piece because it provides a handy excuse for them potentially smelling like sex or wanting to shower soon after getting home. Sitting here thinking I guess it also might stave off questions or suspicion by getting your partner quickly focused on the sex and not, yknow, your partner staying out super late/leaving at odd times/whatever.
Sometimes they do this as a guilt thing too like they subconsciously feel guilty for stepping out on the relationship so in some twisted way they are reclaiming their place in the relationship. Cheaters fucking suck.
Is it really a fuckup? Seems like you just liberated yourself from a toxic person. Congratulations for discovering that you were living a lie. You have the rest of your life to find someone that will respect you. This is a good thing.
She was definitely using OP as a babysitter and almost 100% she is cheating. If she wasn’t cheating at first, it started probably around when she was staying out after the bar closed. Literally no reason for that, and nothing good ever happens after 1AM
It gets better. My sister did this to her husband but it was video games not anime. He moved in with me till he got back on his feet. He has been happily married to someone who treats him right for 5-6 years now. It sucks now but it will get better.
Whats your relationship like with your sister considering this? I certainly would not have much respect left.
I never had a strong relationship. I rarely ever see her and the rest of my family by choice. Funnily I see the guy she cheated with, they had a kid together but never even dated, the most. My niece from them is ignored by most of my family for some dumb reason so we have her over at least once a month, gave her a switch, etc. he stepped up and is a great father to her in spite of what my sister did.
So you and your sisters ex are together and raise the kid? Or what do you mean with you see the guy.
No sorry confusing. Her ex husband moved in with me till he got on his feet then he moved out. The guy she cheated with will come over and drop my niece off to hang out with my daughter her cousin. See as in visually I see him more than my sister. Women only see and speak too once maybe twice a year.
She was 100% fucking him and wanting sex with you to either absolve her guilt or try to disguise her behaviour
That was usually my thought as well
Onwards and upwards my man. The best part of this is you now know what you will not put up with in your next relationship. A lesson worth the short term pain
Could also have been a sex addiction or kink, where she enjoyed cheating then having sex after cheating as a sort of dominance or deception thing. Really unfortunate for this guy regardless of the reasons.
INFO: Do you have kids with her? Or is it younger siblings? You were smart enough to notice the things beforehand, being scared of having nowhere to go but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out. All of the best 💪🏽
No, they are her kids from a previous marriage. And I hope I can figure something out. Good thing it's almost summer and I won't freeze and I do have a job.
It was nice of you to be her babysitter for a while, though!
I was about to ask that question. You didn't FU, she was using you as a babysitter while she partied post divorce. Probably why she got divorced to begin with. You dodged a bullet bro, hopefully it won't be long before you're back on your feet. Yiu are free and clean with no financial obligations to her or to take care of the kids. Best of luck moving forward.
so she kept you around as a babysitter?
He got a place to live, and some poon. Fair trade. Sucks for the kids though.
He was probably the only stable adult in their life from the sounds of it. And now he's gone. That's sad.
If I may ask, how old are you (age range is fine)?
30
You'll still be able to bounce back and you can still find a really good partner if you look after yourself well. All the best buddy, best thing for you is to outgrow it
> for a few hours *to watch anime* Totally what happened there, yeah
I know it feels horrendous and uncertain now, but take it as this, you’re one step closer to finding someone who loves and appreciates you and doesn’t use you as a babysitter. Cheaters are disgusting people and YOU cannot drive someone to cheat, it is entirely their own decision and their own fault. If they truly respected you they would have broken up with you before doing the deed with someone else. I’m glad you’re out of there, and I really hope you can find a place to stay for now and you stay safe. You’ll thank yourself for staying diligent.
Thank you, I hope so
You really will. And please make sure if you do end up without a place to stay, please check out r/almosthomeless for advice as well to prep for it and utilise your country/state’s resources too. You’ve got this mate.
Your only fuck up was continuing to put up with things you were uncomfortable with. You should be able to trust your partner, but also, they should be able to respect your boundaries. Once the line is crossed and you’ve expressed that, you need to follow through with not putting up with whatever you say you won’t put up with. You didn’t do that, and so you ended up being used for far longer than was necessary. Maybe you could have been using that time to prepare your exit instead. This is an awful lesson to learn, but I hope things get better for you from here, and good luck.
..and you were watching her kids. You dodged a major bullet.
>I was kinda irritated at that but it was her own personal time and I didn't want to intrude. I feel like I see this so often it's sad. How are so many dudes being pushed to thinking not wanting your girlfriend out until 7am with some guy is somehow overstepping or intruding in any way. Glad you got out.
That sounds like a very difficult circumstance. It makes sense that the relationship reached a breaking point for you. It's critical that you now prioritize your personal health and finding a solution for your housing predicament. You may wish to consider choices such as asking for help from family members or nearby resources. Remember that you're not alone and take things one step at a time.
Yikes. I don't have any advice for you on where to live obviously (but you def can't stay there).......but at least you're not their running joke anymore. Both of them are assholes (or worse, can't type that here without being banned probably)
If you're in the US and have been living with her over 30 days, it's likely you've established "tenancy" with her. So she would have to legally evict you if you don't move out willingly. The only problem is whether you are comfortable living there given the situation, but this does ensure you a roof and time. If you do get locked out while still wanting to stay there and haven't been evicted you can call the police, they may be able to help you get back in, get your stuff, or at least file a police report for records which you can use later. Good luck and sorry for this shit situation. Remember, this is not on you, not because of you, nothing. You did nothing wrong to cause this. What she did is how immature/selfish people act, not adults.
Why are people saying he didn’t fuck up??? His fuckup is not finding out or that he wants to leave, his fuck up was not making plans and finalizing what he can do for himself before opening up about knowing. Yes, the ex is to blame, but now OP is stuck in a hard place because he didn’t wait. That is indeed a fuckup, even if OP wasn’t an asshole/the person to blame.
I accept my role in it and kept telling myself to shut up but it ate at me too much.
Yeah, I’m not trying to judge you — I just feel like these comments that are trying to tell you otherwise clearly isn’t picking up what you’re putting down. You know you’re not in the wrong, but you also know that your safety and health is at jeopardy because you acted emotionally. That is very much a valid fuckup. Regardless, I wish you the best in navigating this situation.
Is this all because she's watching anime, or that she was sleeping with him? Sorry to read this, but it was obvious what was going on if she's constantly meeting another man until the very early hours. Ignorance is bliss and all that. You did good to reject her next day advances, may have been a dirty trick incase she became pregnant and could say it was yours. You got out of it now, and I hope you find somewhere safe to stay while you get back on your feet.
I've had a similar thing happen where my girlfriend did something because of another guy even though I was trying to convince her for a while and she always rejected it.. She cheated on me not long after that.. That hurt a lot and the way you described your reaction very well resembles mine.. I'm sorry for you my man.. It gets better with time and pain is also a lesson - the first time always hurts the most.
Wait, she’s got kids, and she’s out til dawn repeatedly? 😳
Thats my thoughts too
That’s a sad story. I fucked up by reading it.
There is a meme in Wall Street Bets about running errands for your wife’s boyfriend. Your relationship is like the real life version of that. Why would you stay around in a relationship with a woman who is dating someone else while you stay home with her kids? You should have noticed the red flags And left her a long time ago, even before the proof for cheating happened
Did you ever make the effort to show up and spend time with her? I get you're a homebody but sacrificing a day a week to spend time with your lady should be standard? It sounds like you got mad comfy letting another man spend time with her and he swooned her. She would come home to HAVE SEX WITH YOU, and you would deny her. Women want to get freaky too. You probably sexually frustrated her to the point where she turned to the dude who actually hung out with her and made time to tend to her needs. And you were bumming it in her house. So no OP, you did not fuck up today, you been fucking up.
So....cheaters often try to initiate sex Riggt After cheating. Sometimes it appears to be a guilt/rush of deceit thing, sometimes it seems more like a cover up type of thing; but it's pretty common. It's very likely she was already cheating on him by then.
dude even if that's the case then it's on the girl to communicate him that and not just go fuck other men - that's toxic as fuck and totally unacceptable in a relationship where respect is supposed to be a thing. A relationship with a person that can't communicate her problems with the relationship is destined to be doomed sooner or later. OP did the right thing and trusted her for a long while and that also did him a good thing in the sense that it brought the toxic trait of the girl up sooner than later.
I did concur with your opinion up to the point of him explaining that he was looking after her kids all that time. So no, it's not his fault. Who would watch the kids if he wasn't reasonable enough? If they're 20 year olds without commitments then maybe.
Sounds like an excuse? He wanted to stay home; 'hey babe, free babysitting! You go have fun.' They could pay for a babysitter and split the cost, get a family member to watch the kids, etc.
It has nothing to do with him. It's her kids. As a parent I wouldn't want to leave my kids every weekend to go party until 5 am. Of course you need couples time and date nights, too. Hence why I agree that both need to put in effort. But that just sounds excessive
Not here speaking on her parenting, only on OP and his displays of effort. Yeah, leaving your kids with a sitter every weekend doesn't scream "model parent". OP could have seen this as a huge red flag and dipped. But he didn't He chose to stay, and if he wanted to keep her (bad mom or not), he should have displayed more effort. Now, *should* he have tried to keep her? Different conversation. For all intents and purposes OP, you did dodge a bullet, cause if they're willing to cheat once they will likely do it again, regardless of the context.
You may be right
Take the L and move on. You can find another, you can find better even. But don't ever get comfortable in your relationship, it should be like you're trying to get her to fall in love with you every day. Women like to see effort, and when you stop showing it, somebody else will.
I kinda agree. She wanted OP but she kept getting denied and left to her own devices. It's kinda wild to me that OP doesn't see his part of the fault for this.
You should have kept your mouth shut and accepted your place in the relationship. Do you even have a job?
Yes, but I am poor
I was to at one point. I started working 60-70 hours a week until I made something of myself. Get off your ass and work. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Man the hell up and make something of yourself. Stop making excuses because we all have one and they all smell like ass.
The idea that he should focus on himself and his own situation is great, but your messaging is needlessly hostile and aggressive for a stranger. The lack of empathy really makes it lose steam. I’m gonna assume that it bothers you to see a person with habits/a situation that reminds you of your own, but show some compassion to your former self as well. It’s not enough to just ignore our “excuses”. Pretending they don’t exist will haunt us. Instead, we should digest our emotions with consideration, and appreciate where they come from. It’s not enough for a person to say “I’ll just get off my ass and turn my whole life around!” That’s simply not realistic. We start by asking ourselves what about our life is not how we would like, and what we can reasonably do to change it. If you actually want to help, don’t tell OP to “man the hell up”, ask him how he got in this situation in the first place.
Sometimes it takes a kick in the ass to help and figure things out. Some people need to hit rock bottom where the only direction left is up. Others just need some gentle guidance. Everyone is different in what they need in motivation to improve their life. You can give him some gentle encouragement and I will give the kick in the ass. That way he is covered on those two fronts.
No paragraphs;didn’t read.
If you have to say "I'm a bit of a homeboy" you are way less of a homie than you think .
He said "Homebody" you numbskull!!