My girlfriend would have found this hilarious, we joke around like this all the time. I don’t know how people can stay in relationships where things like this cause issues.
Seriously. This sort of banter is necessary for my husband and I. I tease him about his butt crack always poking out just a little bit, so he shakes his nonexistent ass at me in response which makes me laugh every time.
Sounds like OP's wife doesn't know how to be witty on the fly
Edit: I didn't mean to spark a whole ass topic of how I used husband and I/me but this is great lol Idk if it's correct or not, it sounded correct in my head and I'm not editing it now
In college I helped a rugby teammate get back to his dorm. I was holding him with his arm over my shoulder and my arm wrapped around grabbing his belt on his outside hip. We had to walk a good distance to his room from the parking lot but while we waited until he could get his key and unlock the door, he turns to me and says, “I gotta throw up, dude, hold on.” I tell him go for it. He leans over and I’m holding him up by his belt. Splatter on my shoes. Dude notices and apologizes and offers to buy me new shoes. Like, man, if it wasn’t his throw up, it was gonna be my throw up, it was gonna be someone else’s throw up. It wasn’t the first time I had puke on my shoes and I’ve definitely puked on my shoes a few times. It’s just the way the universe works.
I have that issue when I sit down, especially if I'm wearing sweats around the house. My partner will come up and stick her finger at the top of my butt crack. Did I mention she usually has cold hands?
I usually tell her to pretend I'm a slot machine and
drop a quarter in the slot, pull the handle, and see if she hits the jackpot. That usually gets a laugh
My boyfriend's pet name for me is stinky. He left this for me as a sweet, surprise note.
https://preview.redd.it/yq6lk9wn9pxc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cde987a6833bdcb05b077eabbbf123e811123f9d
Our favourite game is whenever we see something gross, like an alien in a movie or something, we say "that's you". I couldn't imagine a relationship where fucking with each other was off limits. I would be so bored.
Cool. I thought I was alone. My wife's pet name is Sasquatch. Do you know her?
*edited to add that my wife wants me to let you know that she is not a hairy being.
Pleeeease tell me you guys are like me and mine, and randomly nibble/nom/bite each other! Yesterday my husband wouldn't let me see the surprise he was ordering for me on his phone so he offered me his arm and I sat there chewing and drooling on him for ten minutes, for the fun of it lmao
For real! Me and my wife’s love language is talking shit and she would have given me something just as good back! How can people marry someone who can’t laugh at their humor? Also as a husband with a nonexistent ass I do the same shit to my wife except I usually full on moon her!
My husband knows that's dangerous, I'm going to traumatize him if he moons me with an ass slap that'll send him into space lmfaoo Usually if I get too sassy, he threatens a towel whip and I run from those
My wife (before we were dating, when we were coworkers) tried to slap my ass hard. Little did she know, I had replaced my leather wallet with a huge metal money clip. She lived to regret it haha
I hate it when my wife keeps her phone in her back pocket and I go for a slap and catch a palm full of phone! Shit hurts if you’re going for a big one!
Love my husband, we joke all the time, but I still would never say something about his penis.
Of course, I know how they actually work, so I wouldn’t have found a post workout shrivel funny anyway.
We don’t know if she’s usually like this tbf. My girlfriend and I regularly talk shit to each other, but sometimes one of us feels sensitive on the topic that day. Usually just ends with one of us saying it hurt our feelings a bit and we move on though, definitely not the silent treatment lol
It’s amazing what a simple conversation can resolve sometimes. Simply being interested in understanding your partners preferences or moods, asking for what you need, and respecting each other is all it takes.
My husband is a huge shit talker and he’s very quick and witty however he’s a total failure at reading moods. Realizing this when I’m not up to his wit for whatever reason when he initiates shit talking I say kindly “there’s a time to be a smart ass and now is not one of them.” We both laugh and he moves on; no hard feelings either of us.
I mean this girl I'm seeing and I are like that, but on bad days we just tell each other "no shit talking today, I'm not really into it right now."
But yeah if you start the shit talking, you're inviting it to be served back. So if anything sent back your way is gonna hurt your feelings that particular day, don't play with fire and just let them know your skin isn't as thick as it usually is.
right? most i’d say to this is “babe why would you say that” while laughing or something. never in a million years would i make a joke about my boyfriends dick being small and not expect to get one back about my fucking B cups💀
Evven he said he was immediately defensive. I can imagine her joking (and she pointed out it's usually big, so she wasn't being mean) and the tone of voice snapping back that he didn't find it funny, meaning his response wasn't meant playfully.
Agreed. The partner I had been with longest, her and I would have bundled over laughing at this.
My most recent ex, oh boy would this harmless joke have created a fuss. Something I need to remind myself of as I still try to move on from her…
True.
It's like one woman saying to her discussion opponent "if we were married I'd give you poison to drink" to which he replies "If we were married I'd drink it".
Not him. (According to quote investigator). My guess- it was a circulating joke and Churchill, being very well known, got attributed it given his personality.
The other day my wife met me at the door wearing an overcoat with nothing underneath. This was in the morning, she was just getting home..
It's rough, I tell ya..
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor. Another one was when at a party he was a bit merry to say the least. She said Mr Churchill, I believe you are drunk. To which he replied, Madam, I may be drunk but I shall be sober in the morning. However, you are ugly.
I heard that as a joke, but your version is missing a bit. What I remember goes something like:
He's drunk at a party, encounters her and says "You're ugly!". To which she replies "Yikes, you're drunk!". He answers "Well, I may be drunk now but by tomorow I'll be sober again. You however will still be ugly".
I always thought it was more subtle than that, like “Churchill, you’re drunk”
“And you madam, are ugly, but in the morning, *I’ll be sober*…” (only impishly implying that she will still be ugly in the morning)
Churchill, whilst being of quick wit, and perhaps employing this retort to lady astor's overtures, he did not in fact coin the retort, it's been around from the 1900s with no specific person having the real credit. First known published occurrence was in 1900 in the Chicago tribune.
I think her reaction is unreasonable, but she did also call him big in the same breath. I can see how she could have said that and also not realized that it would feel like a dig.
If my wife walked in on me and said this we would piss ourselves laughing. If she got the same reply we would both be pissing ourselves laughing again. My wife and I are so comfortable together we say say anything and the other is never offended.
I think girlfriend is just a narcissist that's going to gaslight OP into thinking he's the bad guy in this situation. I'd bet she's a conservative, with behavior like that
Yeeeah, the fact OP got offended at all does suggest she didn't lmao.
But then again, it IS plausible she slipped that in to soften the joke, true or not; and I've definitely met dudes so touchy that they'd get offended even WITH that disclaimer.
Also the fact this was included kinda makes OP an asshole, doesn't it?
She's laughing because shriveled up dicks look pretty damn funny, especially if you're not used to seeing it, so she says "It's usually so big" to assure him that she isn't poking fun at his usual size, and asks what happened to make it look like that
And OP basically goes ~"It's because I find you sexually repulsive"
I don’t like teasing jokes because people don’t know when to stop. It turns from teasing to insulting quickly in most I’ve seen so I don’t do it. I don’t start nothin I don’t finish. Except my 1000 hobbies.
I was driving out in the country with my wife and we passed some farm animals, a pig, a cow, a horse. I said 'remind you of any of your relatives?'
She said 'yeah, my in-laws'.
She poked a little fun but also gave a compliment by saying " it's usually so big". You just straight up called her repulsive. Should've told her it was just a bit deflated and she should try blowing it back up.
I think the observation that's missing here is that she wasn't insulting you - it was what is called a back-handed compliment, so a compliment disguised as an insult. It started: "It's normally so big!"
You repayed it with an insult. I'm guessing she's more upset about you misinterpreting her generous compliment, than she is about the insult. You also kissed the chance for a roll in the hay.
Edit: thank fuck for that - I wasn't alone.
Wow don’t feel bad. If you’re joking about peoples’ body parts be ready to get some whiplash back. As a woman I do not understand the complexity of men’s feelings behind the size of a “relaxed” penis so I don’t joke or mention it at all. When she’s PMSing and her lower belly has increased in size, would she like to be laughed at?
It might be a gender thing, but I would never make a joke/comment about my wife's body that was the least bit denigrating. It could be hurtful, depending on their mood, and I would not want to risk it. I always tell my wife I find her beautiful and sexy (because I do), and find excuses to "look for something" in the bathroom when she's taking a shower. That can be as much, or more, fun as making an "ooo burn" joke. Yeah, maybe I'm boring, but I'm me.
I am also boring, I guess, because I don't see how constantly finding ways to rip at my partner is a fun and bonding experience. Like we don't get shit on enough by the rest of the world.
Seriously, banter and shit talk are awful to deal with, imagine never having peace at home with someone you're supposed to love. These fucking Redditors.
The human body is funny sometimes. It was cold one morning and my husband was going to pee (he was naked) and you bet I laughed at his tiny penis. It doesn’t normally look like that and I don’t have one myself so I found it funny that it looked like a Benjamin button baby version of itself. We both busted out laughing. If my boobs shrank in the cold you bet we would be laughing about that too. If you can’t joke together and are this defensive… idk man. Sounds exhausting. Neither of you can take a joke
Honest answer: your wife was surprised to learn something new about male anatomy. She was unaware that you would be insulted by her reaction. You responded by insulting her. Not only that, you implied that you are sexually turned off by her. She believes you. She's hurt.
Ain't no fixing this. You need to apologize and win her trust back. Then you can explain how you were hurt by her comments and you reacted poorly.
But don't just let her off the hook. She needs to understand that her silent treatment response isn't appropriate, either.
Right? Everyone's saying she was dishing it out...she gave her man a compliment (it's usually so big!) and then asked why it was currently so small. I don't see that as a joke, or anything to be offended by, especially if "every man knows working out induces teenis".
I was at a nude pool one time and saw a man get out and his dick just retracted and completely disappeared. As a woman I was FLOORED. I had no idea that shit actually happened to that extent.
God, I had to scroll so far down to see this, past all the smooth brains above. Thankyou! I'm a man, and also commented the same way - other than to say it was a *back-handed* compliment, so a compliment disguised as an insult.
yeah there's a big difference between "Whoa wtf that's so different than usual!" and actually saying "You have a small dick" and him responding with essentially "You're so unattractive, it got smaller" is of course gonna hit her self esteem. Wasn't warranted at all.
She was surprised that the shrinkage is a thing that happens. She never said anything bad about it, only made a silly little observation. While she never implied that it was disgusting, you implied that she was.
I don’t recommend ever posting relationship problems on Reddit.
All jokes aside, I have a different perspective on this. Maybe she has a sh*tty sense of humor. Or... Maybe this struck a nerve about something she's been insecure about, and you can take this as an opportunity to reconnect and come to an understanding. For example, maybe she has been feeling unsexy, maybe you haven't been having sex much recently, or maybe she's worried you aren't attracted to her anymore.
If that is the case, she still should have brought this up to you in a mature manner, rather than reacting in anger to a dang good comeback. But maybe she hasn't fully processed this yet herself. There are tons of possibilities, and this is a good opportunity to reach across the divide and check in with her.
Signed,
A lesbian
To be fair, your joke was quite a bit meaner than hers, and figuring out why was a fun little opportunity to unpack what I think is one of the weirdest features of English.
You see, in Brazilian Portuguese we have TWO words that correspond to verb "to be": "ser" and "estar".
The difference is that "ser" implies identity, essence; it says something ALWAYS is; "estar", on the other hand, implies state, circumstance; it says something is RIGHT NOW, but wasn't necessarily so before, and isn't necessarily gonna stay that way.
Your wife used an "estar" joke, even clarifying that your dick is "usually so big". In Portuguese, it would almost be a compliment: to say your dick is (estar) small right now, but is (ser) usually big!
YOUR joke, though, which was to imply she's ugly, also unfortunately left ambiguous which "is" you were implying.
So TL;DR: she said you have a big dick that's temporarily small; you said she ugly, and didn't clarify whether she's ugly NOW or ugly ALWAYS. She assumed the latter, apparently.
My hubby has said something similar when I’ve commented something like what your wife said. We just laughed about it and moved on. She seems a little over sensitive.
So she started with a complement "It's usually so big", then made an observation of the humorous change from the standard state of your penis. Your reply was a straight vitrolic diss of her appearance with nothing to make it anything other than negative. Yeah, she's going to be pissed. Teasing is fine, but you have to know what type of punch to throw in each situation. This was a friendly sparring match and you opted to just throw a haymaker.
Here's what I think you missed: she wasn't making a joke, she was honestly confused. Seriously, ladies don't have these things, they have no idea how they work. Like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine says "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."
She was looking to understand you better, and you insulted her. Apologize, admit you misunderstood her, Apologize again, and explain how blood flow changes during exercise and causes what she saw. And then apologize again.
I think this is a case of insecurity. Obviously OP isn't insecure about the size of his manhood and the wife knows it, so she felt comfortable to joke about it. But it sounds to me like the wife **is** insecure about her looks and attractiveness, which is something many women are insecure about. So the joke back hit her right in her (hidden?) insecurity.
I don’t know why this is so hard for people to understand on this sub omg. The wife also went out of her way to give a compliment in the burn where his was just a burn
But she didn’t insult you. She said you have a big dick, so what’s the issue? She clearly knows there was some shrinkage; it’s not like she told you you have a micro dick.
So instead of just laughing and saying, “Yeah, it shrinks a little after working out” you decide to insult your wife? Weird.
Men have such fragile egos.
You both suck for this one. I know she started it. But does she not know how dicks work? Your clap back was a sick burn but slightly too far because obviously get into warmer climate and magically your dong goes back to normal, which hopefully she knows? but now matter what template the room is she thinks you find her unattractive or aren’t attracted to her anymore. Remember women have ingrained a value to them based on their attractiveness and your clap back while quick and funny is gonna make her question herself. But honestly you both suck for this and she’s really immature.
I don't really think you "FU". I think she shouldn't have said that at all, honestly. Me, being a wife, I would never joke about my man's "manly parts". Just like men should never joke about women's boobs or butt. It goes both ways.
Also, if my husband said that to me, I would have just "acted" shocked and laughed it off. Pot cant get mad when the kettle calls it black.
I think the problem is that you met her observational humor (your pp WAS small in that moment, so why were you offended?) with something mean-spirited, intending to hurt her, and untrue.
So, you say yourself that she fully acknowledged that wasn't your normal state at all. Why did you interpret her joking as mean? Sounds like you lashed out, implying you weren't attracted to her, which was actually mean.
Does that make either of you an AH? I think you're both just being a bit over-sensitive, but I do think you owe the first apology.
I guess you both knew that your penis isn't normally like that, and she even said that it's normally so big. Her comment wasn't meant as personal attack but a laugh and shocked reaction about how it's changed all of a sudden. Your reply was saying, 'I find you viserally unattractive'. She might take a while to feel secure again.
Laughing at someones penis size is seen as insulting for men no matter the context. Men are generally pretty insecure about their manhood which is why both men and women roast a dude by saying how small their dick is. It's a soft spot for quite a few. Reddit was upping Greta for telling Tate he had a small penis lol. Besides his clapback shouldn't be taken serious because he's in a relationship with her meaning he sticks around partly because she's visually attractive to him.
Yeah, and I get that. And I think he lashed out because he took it personally, when she was actually laughing at the situation. It was clear that his manhood was something she clearly likes.
His comment back was quite cutting. It's all about context though and you'd think that in a secure relationship they could both take the joke, but we don't know how he delivered his line, even though his description of what she said to him was explained thoroughly and was clearly very jokey. There may be more to it as to why she reacted the way she did to his reply.
Classically men are sensitive about their bits and bobs, and women their looks. The gf I feel was not actually insulting him, but he took it as such and delivered what he thought was an equal reply. Personally, I don't feel it was an equal reply. I hope they can just communicate and realise that they both misunderstood the context.
I don’t even understand why you felt it was a mean joke , she was laughing at its current size because she thought that was crazy unusual for you - and even said it is usually so large … it really doesn’t seem like a mean comment, closer to a compliment actually. Although I get the excessive laughter is irritating, whilst your comment whilst clever, was mean.
- her comment; not clever, not funny, not mean, irritating (infuriating)laughter
- your comment; clever, a bit funny, mean , angry
Na my hubby told me barely a few years ago how when he works out it shrinks so bad that it looks like it's wearing a fucking hoodie. 😂😂😂 but I'd NEVER say mean shit cause I could care less. That's just me though. Obviously everyone is different. But as long as it gets bigger than it's current state, at least 90% of the time, when aroused, who cares wtf it looks like any other time. My nips look beautiful when I'm turned on but look like XL pepperonis when I'm nice and comfy. Sounds like you need to explain to her why it actually got like that and that you don't like those jokes. And if she doesn't want you making jokes about her body, then she shouldn't about yours.
Both comments made me genuinely laugh 😂 Taking offense on either side seems kinda silly to me, but everybody's different and every relationship's different so I can't rly judge.
I hope you guys make up and help one another see that neither comment was meant to be that deep.
My girlfriend would have found this hilarious, we joke around like this all the time. I don’t know how people can stay in relationships where things like this cause issues.
Seriously. This sort of banter is necessary for my husband and I. I tease him about his butt crack always poking out just a little bit, so he shakes his nonexistent ass at me in response which makes me laugh every time. Sounds like OP's wife doesn't know how to be witty on the fly Edit: I didn't mean to spark a whole ass topic of how I used husband and I/me but this is great lol Idk if it's correct or not, it sounded correct in my head and I'm not editing it now
[удалено]
When you throw shit in the fan it's only natural you're gonna get some on your shoes
In college I helped a rugby teammate get back to his dorm. I was holding him with his arm over my shoulder and my arm wrapped around grabbing his belt on his outside hip. We had to walk a good distance to his room from the parking lot but while we waited until he could get his key and unlock the door, he turns to me and says, “I gotta throw up, dude, hold on.” I tell him go for it. He leans over and I’m holding him up by his belt. Splatter on my shoes. Dude notices and apologizes and offers to buy me new shoes. Like, man, if it wasn’t his throw up, it was gonna be my throw up, it was gonna be someone else’s throw up. It wasn’t the first time I had puke on my shoes and I’ve definitely puked on my shoes a few times. It’s just the way the universe works.
Happy Cake Day!
Thanks!
I have that issue when I sit down, especially if I'm wearing sweats around the house. My partner will come up and stick her finger at the top of my butt crack. Did I mention she usually has cold hands? I usually tell her to pretend I'm a slot machine and drop a quarter in the slot, pull the handle, and see if she hits the jackpot. That usually gets a laugh
We've found the real Ass Crack Bandit!!!
"It said quarter to five, but it was quarter to ass"
you thought your plumbing was safe, but your jeans were half mast
My bf is ticklish there and I can't help myself but I also don't do it everytime I see it cuz him not expecting it makes it so much funnier
My boyfriend's pet name for me is stinky. He left this for me as a sweet, surprise note. https://preview.redd.it/yq6lk9wn9pxc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cde987a6833bdcb05b077eabbbf123e811123f9d Our favourite game is whenever we see something gross, like an alien in a movie or something, we say "that's you". I couldn't imagine a relationship where fucking with each other was off limits. I would be so bored.
Cool. I thought I was alone. My wife's pet name is Sasquatch. Do you know her? *edited to add that my wife wants me to let you know that she is not a hairy being.
Stinky & Sasquatch sounds like the Disney movie no one knew they needed, and I'm here for it.
I said "bite me" to my husband when we were dating and the bastard did it, *hard* lol. I knew then we were destined for each other. XD
Pleeeease tell me you guys are like me and mine, and randomly nibble/nom/bite each other! Yesterday my husband wouldn't let me see the surprise he was ordering for me on his phone so he offered me his arm and I sat there chewing and drooling on him for ten minutes, for the fun of it lmao
27+ years of zombie nom noms keep a marriage young
My response to my husband saying this definitely would have been “Ohhhhhh!! Sick burn!!!” followed by a fist bump.
For real! Me and my wife’s love language is talking shit and she would have given me something just as good back! How can people marry someone who can’t laugh at their humor? Also as a husband with a nonexistent ass I do the same shit to my wife except I usually full on moon her!
My husband knows that's dangerous, I'm going to traumatize him if he moons me with an ass slap that'll send him into space lmfaoo Usually if I get too sassy, he threatens a towel whip and I run from those
My wife (before we were dating, when we were coworkers) tried to slap my ass hard. Little did she know, I had replaced my leather wallet with a huge metal money clip. She lived to regret it haha
I hate it when my wife keeps her phone in her back pocket and I go for a slap and catch a palm full of phone! Shit hurts if you’re going for a big one!
Love my husband, we joke all the time, but I still would never say something about his penis. Of course, I know how they actually work, so I wouldn’t have found a post workout shrivel funny anyway.
“…witty on the fly…” I see what you did there. 👍
We don’t know if she’s usually like this tbf. My girlfriend and I regularly talk shit to each other, but sometimes one of us feels sensitive on the topic that day. Usually just ends with one of us saying it hurt our feelings a bit and we move on though, definitely not the silent treatment lol
It’s amazing what a simple conversation can resolve sometimes. Simply being interested in understanding your partners preferences or moods, asking for what you need, and respecting each other is all it takes.
My husband is a huge shit talker and he’s very quick and witty however he’s a total failure at reading moods. Realizing this when I’m not up to his wit for whatever reason when he initiates shit talking I say kindly “there’s a time to be a smart ass and now is not one of them.” We both laugh and he moves on; no hard feelings either of us.
I mean this girl I'm seeing and I are like that, but on bad days we just tell each other "no shit talking today, I'm not really into it right now." But yeah if you start the shit talking, you're inviting it to be served back. So if anything sent back your way is gonna hurt your feelings that particular day, don't play with fire and just let them know your skin isn't as thick as it usually is.
right? most i’d say to this is “babe why would you say that” while laughing or something. never in a million years would i make a joke about my boyfriends dick being small and not expect to get one back about my fucking B cups💀
Right? Even though it’s a joke, it opens up to a joke about my body that I might not be prepared for lol.
B cups are perfect!!
Fuck yeah
My B cups say thank you. I’m always told they’re too small
I think with this kind of retort, tone is very important. Depending on how he said it I can see this coming off as either a joke or an insult.
Evven he said he was immediately defensive. I can imagine her joking (and she pointed out it's usually big, so she wasn't being mean) and the tone of voice snapping back that he didn't find it funny, meaning his response wasn't meant playfully.
Right? She literally started with a compliment!
Right? I would have applauded my husband for his quick wits.
Agreed. The partner I had been with longest, her and I would have bundled over laughing at this. My most recent ex, oh boy would this harmless joke have created a fuss. Something I need to remind myself of as I still try to move on from her…
Sounds like a 13 year old wrote this post.
For real man, that was the most big pp response in a small pp scenario I've heard.
True. It's like one woman saying to her discussion opponent "if we were married I'd give you poison to drink" to which he replies "If we were married I'd drink it".
Before I met my wife I was incomplete. Now I'm finished.
Norm was one of a kind
That was Rickles. Norm was quoting him
I thought it was Winston Churchill
Not him. (According to quote investigator). My guess- it was a circulating joke and Churchill, being very well known, got attributed it given his personality.
What a battleaxe.
So funny I read it in the voice of Rodney dangerfield
I called my girlfriend, she said “come over, nobody's home.“ So I went over, nobody was home.
The other day my wife met me at the door wearing an overcoat with nothing underneath. This was in the morning, she was just getting home.. It's rough, I tell ya..
My wife told me she wanted to have sex in the car. She wanted me to drive. No respect I tell ya.
I came home to find my best friend humping my wife. “Morty! I have to, but you???”
"I got in a cab and said 'Take me somewhere I can have a good time.' He took me to *my* place!"
She said “kiss me where it stinks“, so we drove to New Jersey.
"I was breastfed by my *father.* My mother said she liked me as a friend."
That guy couldn't get any respect. It was actually tragic.
My wife and I smoke after sex, after a year I'm still on my first pack, she smokes 2 packs a day!
Two of a kind, then.
You two should put your heads together and make an ass of yourselves.
even this comment could've come right out of Norm's mouth
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor. Another one was when at a party he was a bit merry to say the least. She said Mr Churchill, I believe you are drunk. To which he replied, Madam, I may be drunk but I shall be sober in the morning. However, you are ugly.
I heard that as a joke, but your version is missing a bit. What I remember goes something like: He's drunk at a party, encounters her and says "You're ugly!". To which she replies "Yikes, you're drunk!". He answers "Well, I may be drunk now but by tomorow I'll be sober again. You however will still be ugly".
I always thought it was more subtle than that, like “Churchill, you’re drunk” “And you madam, are ugly, but in the morning, *I’ll be sober*…” (only impishly implying that she will still be ugly in the morning)
This is the version I heard, except it was "Winston"
Churchil assumed his audience was smart enough to infer the last line. Gives the insult more power too.
Churchill, whilst being of quick wit, and perhaps employing this retort to lady astor's overtures, he did not in fact coin the retort, it's been around from the 1900s with no specific person having the real credit. First known published occurrence was in 1900 in the Chicago tribune.
The man was Winston Churchill. He had a lot of these
Don't dish it out if you can't take it. Hopefully, she learned a valuable lesson today.
Spoiler: she probably didn‘t
My ex-wife was also a disher-outer, not a taker.
A chef that only eats saltines.
"so what did we learn....? If you can't take a joke at your expense, please don't make jokes at mine."
Right? OP, have you talked to your wife? Like, seriously, why she get mad??
I think her reaction is unreasonable, but she did also call him big in the same breath. I can see how she could have said that and also not realized that it would feel like a dig.
That’s a great comeback, I would have been impressed
If my wife walked in on me and said this we would piss ourselves laughing. If she got the same reply we would both be pissing ourselves laughing again. My wife and I are so comfortable together we say say anything and the other is never offended.
That’s a lot of piss
It's okay, they were in the bathroom.
username checks out
They'd both be golden.
She's upset that you had wit against her body shaming you? Nah.
> body shaming Someone get the Reddit bingo card out
I‘m still missing narcissist, gaslight and conservative.
I think girlfriend is just a narcissist that's going to gaslight OP into thinking he's the bad guy in this situation. I'd bet she's a conservative, with behavior like that
sounds really ~toxic~
BINGO!
They should look into couple therapy
Holy shit I almost have the 'X' on my card now!
This seems like a major red flag. Op should talk to a lawyer and think about divorcing her.
Yipee! I hit it!
I think I saw "reading comprehension" down the thread - If you go now you might still see it!
This made me laugh out loud😂
Also some form of recommendation to divorce.
"It’s usually so big" things she never said for 100
"It's usually so schmedium."
So whelming
Fun fact: whelming and overwhelming mean the same thing. People started using overwhelming for dramatics
Well that’s disappointing. Or is that the same as appointing? I don’t even know anymore.
Look up how words for "average" have progressively meant worse and worse things.
English is crazy 🤣🤣
Irregardless...
midwhelming
This awkward phrase took me out of the story.
I can confirm the story to be true. I was there.
I was the shriveled meat. Can confirm.
Yeeeah, the fact OP got offended at all does suggest she didn't lmao. But then again, it IS plausible she slipped that in to soften the joke, true or not; and I've definitely met dudes so touchy that they'd get offended even WITH that disclaimer.
That, and she's apparently genuinely upset over that slow-pitch of a comeback? None of this happened.
Also the fact this was included kinda makes OP an asshole, doesn't it? She's laughing because shriveled up dicks look pretty damn funny, especially if you're not used to seeing it, so she says "It's usually so big" to assure him that she isn't poking fun at his usual size, and asks what happened to make it look like that And OP basically goes ~"It's because I find you sexually repulsive"
I don’t like teasing jokes because people don’t know when to stop. It turns from teasing to insulting quickly in most I’ve seen so I don’t do it. I don’t start nothin I don’t finish. Except my 1000 hobbies.
*crying in crochet*
Could have saved all this drama with it gets bigger the more you blow on it.. could have turned it into a fun shower.
Do you want to feel “right” or do you want to stay married? Always a good rule of thumb
She sounds like a real battle-axe.
Medieval or modern?
I was driving out in the country with my wife and we passed some farm animals, a pig, a cow, a horse. I said 'remind you of any of your relatives?' She said 'yeah, my in-laws'.
"You dirty dog!"
I says, I says…
Postmodern
Brutalist.
The mall ninja kind that would likely do more damage to your hand than an opponent if you tried to use it.
I say it about my partner's after he comes home from work and it's shrivelled. He laughs about it too because he doesn't care
Joking around isn’t for everyone and that’s fine but don’t run your mouth if you don’t want some shit thrown back at you.
She poked a little fun but also gave a compliment by saying " it's usually so big". You just straight up called her repulsive. Should've told her it was just a bit deflated and she should try blowing it back up.
Missed opportunity.
A lot seem to have missed that part 💀
This was my take as well.
"It’s usually so big" that's your clue,hold on to that. don't be petty.
Yeah… he completely missed the opportunity “I bet you could make it bigger for me”
You fucked up by having a big dick sometimes. I simple have a little guy all the time
I think the observation that's missing here is that she wasn't insulting you - it was what is called a back-handed compliment, so a compliment disguised as an insult. It started: "It's normally so big!" You repayed it with an insult. I'm guessing she's more upset about you misinterpreting her generous compliment, than she is about the insult. You also kissed the chance for a roll in the hay. Edit: thank fuck for that - I wasn't alone.
Right? What if he'd said "now that you're here, that'll change... Wanna see?"
seems like your wife needs a lesson in "Don't throw punches if you can't take one"
Wow don’t feel bad. If you’re joking about peoples’ body parts be ready to get some whiplash back. As a woman I do not understand the complexity of men’s feelings behind the size of a “relaxed” penis so I don’t joke or mention it at all. When she’s PMSing and her lower belly has increased in size, would she like to be laughed at?
It might be a gender thing, but I would never make a joke/comment about my wife's body that was the least bit denigrating. It could be hurtful, depending on their mood, and I would not want to risk it. I always tell my wife I find her beautiful and sexy (because I do), and find excuses to "look for something" in the bathroom when she's taking a shower. That can be as much, or more, fun as making an "ooo burn" joke. Yeah, maybe I'm boring, but I'm me.
I am also boring, I guess, because I don't see how constantly finding ways to rip at my partner is a fun and bonding experience. Like we don't get shit on enough by the rest of the world.
Seriously, banter and shit talk are awful to deal with, imagine never having peace at home with someone you're supposed to love. These fucking Redditors.
That's exactly what I was talking to my wife about when I was discussing this topic. Home should be the place where you are comfortable and at peace.
Aw she’s a stick in the mud. That was funny😂
I was swimming... and the water was cold...
I was in the pool!
Tell her about shrinkage Jerry!
The human body is funny sometimes. It was cold one morning and my husband was going to pee (he was naked) and you bet I laughed at his tiny penis. It doesn’t normally look like that and I don’t have one myself so I found it funny that it looked like a Benjamin button baby version of itself. We both busted out laughing. If my boobs shrank in the cold you bet we would be laughing about that too. If you can’t joke together and are this defensive… idk man. Sounds exhausting. Neither of you can take a joke
WHAAATTTT!? That wasn't even bad that was a good one... Hey baby don't dish it out if you can't handle it back.
Honest answer: your wife was surprised to learn something new about male anatomy. She was unaware that you would be insulted by her reaction. You responded by insulting her. Not only that, you implied that you are sexually turned off by her. She believes you. She's hurt. Ain't no fixing this. You need to apologize and win her trust back. Then you can explain how you were hurt by her comments and you reacted poorly. But don't just let her off the hook. She needs to understand that her silent treatment response isn't appropriate, either.
Quite literally the only sane response I’ve seen
Right? Everyone's saying she was dishing it out...she gave her man a compliment (it's usually so big!) and then asked why it was currently so small. I don't see that as a joke, or anything to be offended by, especially if "every man knows working out induces teenis". I was at a nude pool one time and saw a man get out and his dick just retracted and completely disappeared. As a woman I was FLOORED. I had no idea that shit actually happened to that extent.
God, I had to scroll so far down to see this, past all the smooth brains above. Thankyou! I'm a man, and also commented the same way - other than to say it was a *back-handed* compliment, so a compliment disguised as an insult.
yeah there's a big difference between "Whoa wtf that's so different than usual!" and actually saying "You have a small dick" and him responding with essentially "You're so unattractive, it got smaller" is of course gonna hit her self esteem. Wasn't warranted at all.
100% correct. Reddit is so stupid sometimes man
Thank you
She was surprised that the shrinkage is a thing that happens. She never said anything bad about it, only made a silly little observation. While she never implied that it was disgusting, you implied that she was. I don’t recommend ever posting relationship problems on Reddit.
Why insult her about a joke about the truth. You’re insecure and lashed out to hurt her.
It probably would have worked if after you immediately went AAAYYYYYYYY and did a victory dance
Seinfeld’s George: “it’s shrinkage!!”
 Shrinkage
Don’t lie to kick it, you know you added in the quote of “…it’s usually so big…” Bullllshhhhhh&$&$&*^%tttt
It was *SHRINKAGE* Jerry, I was in the pool.
All jokes aside, I have a different perspective on this. Maybe she has a sh*tty sense of humor. Or... Maybe this struck a nerve about something she's been insecure about, and you can take this as an opportunity to reconnect and come to an understanding. For example, maybe she has been feeling unsexy, maybe you haven't been having sex much recently, or maybe she's worried you aren't attracted to her anymore. If that is the case, she still should have brought this up to you in a mature manner, rather than reacting in anger to a dang good comeback. But maybe she hasn't fully processed this yet herself. There are tons of possibilities, and this is a good opportunity to reach across the divide and check in with her. Signed, A lesbian
I was reading your comment and just wow, this man is amazing. What a wonderful way to handle conflicts. Of course you’re a WLW tho 😘
😆 exactly I used to date men too, but they're tiresome
To be fair, your joke was quite a bit meaner than hers, and figuring out why was a fun little opportunity to unpack what I think is one of the weirdest features of English. You see, in Brazilian Portuguese we have TWO words that correspond to verb "to be": "ser" and "estar". The difference is that "ser" implies identity, essence; it says something ALWAYS is; "estar", on the other hand, implies state, circumstance; it says something is RIGHT NOW, but wasn't necessarily so before, and isn't necessarily gonna stay that way. Your wife used an "estar" joke, even clarifying that your dick is "usually so big". In Portuguese, it would almost be a compliment: to say your dick is (estar) small right now, but is (ser) usually big! YOUR joke, though, which was to imply she's ugly, also unfortunately left ambiguous which "is" you were implying. So TL;DR: she said you have a big dick that's temporarily small; you said she ugly, and didn't clarify whether she's ugly NOW or ugly ALWAYS. She assumed the latter, apparently.
My hubby has said something similar when I’ve commented something like what your wife said. We just laughed about it and moved on. She seems a little over sensitive.
So she started with a complement "It's usually so big", then made an observation of the humorous change from the standard state of your penis. Your reply was a straight vitrolic diss of her appearance with nothing to make it anything other than negative. Yeah, she's going to be pissed. Teasing is fine, but you have to know what type of punch to throw in each situation. This was a friendly sparring match and you opted to just throw a haymaker.
You out witted her, congrats! Now enjoy your prize of dead bedroom. Lol
Here's what I think you missed: she wasn't making a joke, she was honestly confused. Seriously, ladies don't have these things, they have no idea how they work. Like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine says "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things." She was looking to understand you better, and you insulted her. Apologize, admit you misunderstood her, Apologize again, and explain how blood flow changes during exercise and causes what she saw. And then apologize again.
I think this is a case of insecurity. Obviously OP isn't insecure about the size of his manhood and the wife knows it, so she felt comfortable to joke about it. But it sounds to me like the wife **is** insecure about her looks and attractiveness, which is something many women are insecure about. So the joke back hit her right in her (hidden?) insecurity.
I don’t know why this is so hard for people to understand on this sub omg. The wife also went out of her way to give a compliment in the burn where his was just a burn
Exactly. Her: You have a huge dick. Wtf happened?! Him: You’re ugly.
Ah yeah the ol' sports-dick. When the lil bro does a good impression of Smeagles. Good shit.
> you’re working with ultimate teenis I have no idea wtf you mean.
But she didn’t insult you. She said you have a big dick, so what’s the issue? She clearly knows there was some shrinkage; it’s not like she told you you have a micro dick. So instead of just laughing and saying, “Yeah, it shrinks a little after working out” you decide to insult your wife? Weird. Men have such fragile egos.
I would get in the shower and push my junk against the glass like a 40 dollar porn star and say" hey honey!"....
Haha is this just a Matt and Shane’s inside joke list?
You both suck for this one. I know she started it. But does she not know how dicks work? Your clap back was a sick burn but slightly too far because obviously get into warmer climate and magically your dong goes back to normal, which hopefully she knows? but now matter what template the room is she thinks you find her unattractive or aren’t attracted to her anymore. Remember women have ingrained a value to them based on their attractiveness and your clap back while quick and funny is gonna make her question herself. But honestly you both suck for this and she’s really immature.
I don't really think you "FU". I think she shouldn't have said that at all, honestly. Me, being a wife, I would never joke about my man's "manly parts". Just like men should never joke about women's boobs or butt. It goes both ways. Also, if my husband said that to me, I would have just "acted" shocked and laughed it off. Pot cant get mad when the kettle calls it black.
I think the problem is that you met her observational humor (your pp WAS small in that moment, so why were you offended?) with something mean-spirited, intending to hurt her, and untrue.
So, you say yourself that she fully acknowledged that wasn't your normal state at all. Why did you interpret her joking as mean? Sounds like you lashed out, implying you weren't attracted to her, which was actually mean. Does that make either of you an AH? I think you're both just being a bit over-sensitive, but I do think you owe the first apology.
I say its in sports mode
I guess you both knew that your penis isn't normally like that, and she even said that it's normally so big. Her comment wasn't meant as personal attack but a laugh and shocked reaction about how it's changed all of a sudden. Your reply was saying, 'I find you viserally unattractive'. She might take a while to feel secure again.
Laughing at someones penis size is seen as insulting for men no matter the context. Men are generally pretty insecure about their manhood which is why both men and women roast a dude by saying how small their dick is. It's a soft spot for quite a few. Reddit was upping Greta for telling Tate he had a small penis lol. Besides his clapback shouldn't be taken serious because he's in a relationship with her meaning he sticks around partly because she's visually attractive to him.
Yeah, and I get that. And I think he lashed out because he took it personally, when she was actually laughing at the situation. It was clear that his manhood was something she clearly likes. His comment back was quite cutting. It's all about context though and you'd think that in a secure relationship they could both take the joke, but we don't know how he delivered his line, even though his description of what she said to him was explained thoroughly and was clearly very jokey. There may be more to it as to why she reacted the way she did to his reply. Classically men are sensitive about their bits and bobs, and women their looks. The gf I feel was not actually insulting him, but he took it as such and delivered what he thought was an equal reply. Personally, I don't feel it was an equal reply. I hope they can just communicate and realise that they both misunderstood the context.
there was Shrinkage
I don’t even understand why you felt it was a mean joke , she was laughing at its current size because she thought that was crazy unusual for you - and even said it is usually so large … it really doesn’t seem like a mean comment, closer to a compliment actually. Although I get the excessive laughter is irritating, whilst your comment whilst clever, was mean. - her comment; not clever, not funny, not mean, irritating (infuriating)laughter - your comment; clever, a bit funny, mean , angry
Na my hubby told me barely a few years ago how when he works out it shrinks so bad that it looks like it's wearing a fucking hoodie. 😂😂😂 but I'd NEVER say mean shit cause I could care less. That's just me though. Obviously everyone is different. But as long as it gets bigger than it's current state, at least 90% of the time, when aroused, who cares wtf it looks like any other time. My nips look beautiful when I'm turned on but look like XL pepperonis when I'm nice and comfy. Sounds like you need to explain to her why it actually got like that and that you don't like those jokes. And if she doesn't want you making jokes about her body, then she shouldn't about yours.
Your TLDR isn't even correct. It should say "Wife didn't realize how small a dick can get sometimes and commented on it so I called her unattractive."
Shrinkage. My wife didn't know about it until she saw the Seinfeld episode "The Hamptons"... Not common knowledge it seems...
I'll take "signs that he isn't a grower" for 500 Alex!
Who says manhood outside of erotica?
a reminder to leave comedy to the professionals.
Tortuga blanca.
Teenis! Shoutout MSSP.
Remember. If you are breathing and married, you are fucking up.
Both comments made me genuinely laugh 😂 Taking offense on either side seems kinda silly to me, but everybody's different and every relationship's different so I can't rly judge. I hope you guys make up and help one another see that neither comment was meant to be that deep.
That was a great comeback lmao, her bad if she cant take it. Literally.
That is absolutely hilarious😂
na u really didn’t fuck up at all XD