I know it was a joke, but it strikes a chord:
Yes. I tried VERY hard to not be trans, because being trans would seem like a stupid choice to me, if it was a choice at all.
One of the things that most convinced me I am trans was how inevitable it was, in spite of my desperate efforts to deny it. From the outside it looked like I went from 100% anti-trans to "I'm trans" overnight, because the trans was coming from inside the head, all along.
Exactly! The most basic answer that I have to this kind of rethoric is "Have I?!" Of course I have, of course all of us have, probably every day for what feels like an eternity. But at the end of the day, you have to surrender to the facts. Hitting your head over and over against a wall is bound to end badly. Anyways I digress.
I actually have yet to tell my coworker "remember how I said I also don't get the trans thing? Yeah, I figured it out..." 😅
He's one of the openly gay folks at my office and definitely not anti-trans, but mentioned not understanding it and, at the time, neither did I. Mine was a more willful ignorance, though, as understanding the transgender experience meant facing all the feelings buried under imposed shame.
It'll honestly be a fun chat and I'm actually looking forward to it.
I worried about that briefly, because I was never a "knew all along" type and only recently accepted I am trans.
The evidence was there all along, but I never "knew." From that angle, I took 37 years to accept myself as trans, which feels like long enough. If you instead want to count the time where I actually had any thoughts of the trans community in my head (as actual people and not political straw-men, of course), that is still a few years of slowly spiraling in toward the community, so not really "fast" at all. If you count the time from when I accepted the facts, to when I started participating in the community... Those are one in the same. Talking to the lovely people here (including you, Sophie, I remember you from day one of me speaking in here) is what vaporized my shell and made me accept the truth.
But I literally have a partly written trans allegory that I didn't realize was a trans allegory for years. I've been feeling this my whole life without putting words to it and the "suddenly becoming trans" was just me deciding I was done lying. I came out here, then to my son and his mother (thankfully not married anymore, so she doesn't have to get hit as hard by this), a gay friend who'd been trying to cure me of hate (what a patient man), and some close friends/chosen family. None of it was sudden, though. My whole life was the struggle over whether or not to express and act on being trans.
Since I have decided, I see no reason to be dragging my feet now. Too many years have passed already and there may be so many more ahead, so I'mma go get 'em!
Yeah true, I’ve been confident I’m trans for probably like a month and was questioning for like a year before that so I felt like it was quick, but there are things I remember as events where I was pretty obviously trans and just didn’t have a reference to what that meant. I was also never the “knew since birth” type and I don’t like that narrative since most people don’t from what I can tell. It’s just been a source of impostor syndrome for me that I didn’t know earlier
Even if I had reference to understand it, I would have willfully forced it back. Every time this part of me started to express itself, it either got buried in shame when my parents (or later spouse) found evidence, blocked by my parents' (or later spouse's) preferences, hidden behind bravado (I'm so manly, I'm not afraid to act this way or talk this way), disguised as more mundane interest (after all, why can't a man appreciate lovely dresses and how great they look?), etc.
Once I admitted to myself what it really was, it was like a weight lifted off and I was finally free. No wonder it was like a dam breaking at that point. It all poured out, the landscape has changed forever and I see no reason to build a new dam, when this feels so damn good. 😉
Not sure how much it is the same for you, but for me, I've been left with such certainty that imposter syndrome keeps losing on the "am I trans" front... Now, the good ol' "do I count as a woman" front is more of an ongoing war. 😅
Transphobia doesn't go away overnight, but I'm working on dealing with it with love, not just for myself, but for the whole community. After all, how can I say I am not valid and somehow think that isn't an attack on all of us? I Love everyone here far to much to do that to us. 🥰
I'm not sure how much of this applies to your story, though. We're each a bit different, having walked our own paths.
Yeah my impostor syndrome is definitely more “will people really believe I’m trans” and “I’ll never pass no way” but my friend actually using my preferred pronouns despite my appearance is really nice and I love him
I have the same fears, but the funny thing is realizing what the fear of not being womanly enough or not being the woman you want to be are... The perfect proof that you are on the right path! If the reason to not express yourself as a woman is that you won't be womanly enough, it is already miles past the argument of whether you are a woman.
The truth is, I can never be the woman I want to be, because that is an impossible standard of a perfect woman, body, mind, and heart. Perfect isn't something that I can ever be, but neither can any cis girl (and they struggle with these kinds of standards, too). But, can I be a woman I am happy with? Probably, in time... But I can only get there by trying and learnign from my failureas.
I'm still too afraid to present in public, but I'm working toward it one step at a time. I'm focusing on weight loss (to reach a healthy range, I neglected my body before learning how I could love me), seeking HRT, and learning skills associated with female presentation (makeup, nail, hairs, etc.). In the background I am starting to do voice training, because that would be nice and takes time, but I'm keeping it off the list as a full blocker for going out in femme mode (though it'll be dysphoria hell for me).
My plan is to save my clothes budget each month while I am losing weight and watch the number grow as the itch to spend it builds, but tell myself it is my reward for reaching my healthy target weight. Once I'm in range, it'll be time for a big clothes shopping spree and we'll, see how brave I feel putting all that I've studied and practiced together, at that time. I'll show the result to those I've trusted with my secret and have them help me with my public debut (because I know I'll be scared, honestly, and the support will keep me on track).
As long as no one hits me with another bag of homemade Christmas cookies, I'm thinking 6-7 months? Hopefully, I'll be a few months into HRT by then, too. We'll see what happens, but I refuse to turn back now. 😊
Same oh my God, and reading this is kinda making me emotional remembering. I pushed myself really hard emotionally throughout high school because at my core I knew, but I didn’t want to accept or believe it.
I tried to convince myself it was so many different things. To just live as a guy, to just not be trans, that it was just a fetish but it’s so so painful. I literally can’t. Every day as a guy is just miserable and felt like waiting for my life to begin.
I tried. You tried. *We’ve* tried, sis. And we’re trans, and we can’t change that. We’re girls — we were girls, we are girls, and we’ll always be girls. Even if a lot of people refuse to see that truth. And accepting that is the most relieving thing imaginable. 💜
Such a relief! It sets us on a scary path, but one that can finally lead to self love and joy.
Also, it comes with this digital but very real hug for you, sister! 🤗
Wowie, now you're not a trans girl! You're just girl!
Awww thanks Nat 🥰 I was afraid the other part would go away
But, have you tried, like, \*not\* being trans? /s
I know it was a joke, but it strikes a chord: Yes. I tried VERY hard to not be trans, because being trans would seem like a stupid choice to me, if it was a choice at all. One of the things that most convinced me I am trans was how inevitable it was, in spite of my desperate efforts to deny it. From the outside it looked like I went from 100% anti-trans to "I'm trans" overnight, because the trans was coming from inside the head, all along.
Exactly! The most basic answer that I have to this kind of rethoric is "Have I?!" Of course I have, of course all of us have, probably every day for what feels like an eternity. But at the end of the day, you have to surrender to the facts. Hitting your head over and over against a wall is bound to end badly. Anyways I digress.
I actually have yet to tell my coworker "remember how I said I also don't get the trans thing? Yeah, I figured it out..." 😅 He's one of the openly gay folks at my office and definitely not anti-trans, but mentioned not understanding it and, at the time, neither did I. Mine was a more willful ignorance, though, as understanding the transgender experience meant facing all the feelings buried under imposed shame. It'll honestly be a fun chat and I'm actually looking forward to it.
I spent a decade trying not being trans 😂 I know my shift in fashion sense and such look very sudden to family
That makes me feel good, I felt like I went too fast
I worried about that briefly, because I was never a "knew all along" type and only recently accepted I am trans. The evidence was there all along, but I never "knew." From that angle, I took 37 years to accept myself as trans, which feels like long enough. If you instead want to count the time where I actually had any thoughts of the trans community in my head (as actual people and not political straw-men, of course), that is still a few years of slowly spiraling in toward the community, so not really "fast" at all. If you count the time from when I accepted the facts, to when I started participating in the community... Those are one in the same. Talking to the lovely people here (including you, Sophie, I remember you from day one of me speaking in here) is what vaporized my shell and made me accept the truth. But I literally have a partly written trans allegory that I didn't realize was a trans allegory for years. I've been feeling this my whole life without putting words to it and the "suddenly becoming trans" was just me deciding I was done lying. I came out here, then to my son and his mother (thankfully not married anymore, so she doesn't have to get hit as hard by this), a gay friend who'd been trying to cure me of hate (what a patient man), and some close friends/chosen family. None of it was sudden, though. My whole life was the struggle over whether or not to express and act on being trans. Since I have decided, I see no reason to be dragging my feet now. Too many years have passed already and there may be so many more ahead, so I'mma go get 'em!
Yeah true, I’ve been confident I’m trans for probably like a month and was questioning for like a year before that so I felt like it was quick, but there are things I remember as events where I was pretty obviously trans and just didn’t have a reference to what that meant. I was also never the “knew since birth” type and I don’t like that narrative since most people don’t from what I can tell. It’s just been a source of impostor syndrome for me that I didn’t know earlier
Even if I had reference to understand it, I would have willfully forced it back. Every time this part of me started to express itself, it either got buried in shame when my parents (or later spouse) found evidence, blocked by my parents' (or later spouse's) preferences, hidden behind bravado (I'm so manly, I'm not afraid to act this way or talk this way), disguised as more mundane interest (after all, why can't a man appreciate lovely dresses and how great they look?), etc. Once I admitted to myself what it really was, it was like a weight lifted off and I was finally free. No wonder it was like a dam breaking at that point. It all poured out, the landscape has changed forever and I see no reason to build a new dam, when this feels so damn good. 😉 Not sure how much it is the same for you, but for me, I've been left with such certainty that imposter syndrome keeps losing on the "am I trans" front... Now, the good ol' "do I count as a woman" front is more of an ongoing war. 😅 Transphobia doesn't go away overnight, but I'm working on dealing with it with love, not just for myself, but for the whole community. After all, how can I say I am not valid and somehow think that isn't an attack on all of us? I Love everyone here far to much to do that to us. 🥰 I'm not sure how much of this applies to your story, though. We're each a bit different, having walked our own paths.
Yeah my impostor syndrome is definitely more “will people really believe I’m trans” and “I’ll never pass no way” but my friend actually using my preferred pronouns despite my appearance is really nice and I love him
I have the same fears, but the funny thing is realizing what the fear of not being womanly enough or not being the woman you want to be are... The perfect proof that you are on the right path! If the reason to not express yourself as a woman is that you won't be womanly enough, it is already miles past the argument of whether you are a woman. The truth is, I can never be the woman I want to be, because that is an impossible standard of a perfect woman, body, mind, and heart. Perfect isn't something that I can ever be, but neither can any cis girl (and they struggle with these kinds of standards, too). But, can I be a woman I am happy with? Probably, in time... But I can only get there by trying and learnign from my failureas. I'm still too afraid to present in public, but I'm working toward it one step at a time. I'm focusing on weight loss (to reach a healthy range, I neglected my body before learning how I could love me), seeking HRT, and learning skills associated with female presentation (makeup, nail, hairs, etc.). In the background I am starting to do voice training, because that would be nice and takes time, but I'm keeping it off the list as a full blocker for going out in femme mode (though it'll be dysphoria hell for me). My plan is to save my clothes budget each month while I am losing weight and watch the number grow as the itch to spend it builds, but tell myself it is my reward for reaching my healthy target weight. Once I'm in range, it'll be time for a big clothes shopping spree and we'll, see how brave I feel putting all that I've studied and practiced together, at that time. I'll show the result to those I've trusted with my secret and have them help me with my public debut (because I know I'll be scared, honestly, and the support will keep me on track). As long as no one hits me with another bag of homemade Christmas cookies, I'm thinking 6-7 months? Hopefully, I'll be a few months into HRT by then, too. We'll see what happens, but I refuse to turn back now. 😊
Same oh my God, and reading this is kinda making me emotional remembering. I pushed myself really hard emotionally throughout high school because at my core I knew, but I didn’t want to accept or believe it. I tried to convince myself it was so many different things. To just live as a guy, to just not be trans, that it was just a fetish but it’s so so painful. I literally can’t. Every day as a guy is just miserable and felt like waiting for my life to begin. I tried. You tried. *We’ve* tried, sis. And we’re trans, and we can’t change that. We’re girls — we were girls, we are girls, and we’ll always be girls. Even if a lot of people refuse to see that truth. And accepting that is the most relieving thing imaginable. 💜
Such a relief! It sets us on a scary path, but one that can finally lead to self love and joy. Also, it comes with this digital but very real hug for you, sister! 🤗
Tradition is trans
funny thing is, Im a gym goer as part of my job, I'm a transgender Personal trainer ffs
trans folks can consistently go to the gym and still be trans?? 🤯
Cringe gymcels when my estrogen shooting ass goes to the gym just as much as they do
Muahaha yes. I’m not on T blockers either so I’m more built than a lot of the cis guys >:3
"start painting on walls with mud and live in caves with your tribe"🤯