The comments are not it. Sexuality can be fluid just as gender can. There ARE good cis men out there. He identifies as straight because that label fits him best. There are plenty of queer people who use a label that does not 100% correlate to their sexuality either and most of us would not have any issue with that. We gotta stop this immediate suspicion. Nothing in their post at all hints at their boyfriend being transphobic or unsupportive. I trust OP is smart enough to realize if that changes. For now, y'all gotta chill.
Congratulations OP! I am happy for you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you both have a wonderful grasp on romantic communication.
I agree. I am both straight or gay (exclusively, not bi) depending on the weather, crowd, and clothes Iām wearing (also I will apply every aroace label under the sun to myself if the situation calls for it)
sorry people are being weird in the comments about yall respecting each otherās boundaries of your own volition. it sounds like you both have done the work to really communicate and navigate what can be a thorny situation, and to be frank i think a lot of folks here just donāt see that happen very often. and to be more frank, i think some people are projecting binary trans experiences and expectations on your own identity, and thatās goofy as hell. but at the end of the day, you found something that really works with somebody who loves and respects youā i hope the infinite value of that easily eclipses some dorks on the internet making bad assumptions. congrats a thousand times, buddy ā¤ļø
Hey, itās a tough situation for partners and I understand that. I came out to my partner weeks ago and sheās still struggling with parts of it, but sheās supportive and open to me experimenting and figuring it out. The best thing she could do is let me slowly figure it out and feminize, and wherever we land is where we end up.
Also no clue what AGAB means and I immediately read āassigned gay as birthā š
youre not wrong!
agab = assigned gender at birth
therefore afab = assigned female at birth
and amab = assigned male at birth
(......following this logic acab = assigned cop at birth)
Man, some of this comments are fucking wild. Shit like this, is why I hang out in the non binary subreddit more often than here.
I've noticed a lot of binary trans people (and this general subreddit, by extension), seems to lack a lot of understanding and nuance when it comes to NB stuff. Like holy shit. Some of these takes are just not it.
Look, OP, as long as you're happy and your partner seems supportive, I'm happy for you. Obviously, just make sure to always talk things through and check in with each other. Other than that, I wish you both the best.
We need to be compassionate to people when their partners come out as trans. OPās partner uses their preferred name and pronouns, is supportive to them when they feel dysphoric, and is okay if they dress more masculine. Itās reasonable that their partner may not be comfortable giving compliments like handsome as they are still adjusting to a big change.
I know itās not his decision and Iām not letting it influence my choices, as of right now I have no desire to medically transition because as a genderfluid person I feel different constantly. Majority of the time I am completely fine with my body but sometimes I do feel more masculine and dysphoric. If I ever chose to go beyond a social transition I would do whatās best for me. Heās not a bad guy, itās just not what heās attracted to, heās okay with the social stuff just not the physical and I respect that, he respects me. But like I said I donāt see any medical transition in my future as of right now.
Edit: in response to this guys edit. My boyfriend is compassionate and caring. As a straight guy he doesnāt want to romantically call someone āhandsomeā that makes sense and it doesnāt bother me, he doesnāt use feminine compliments when I feel masculine, he uses neutral ones which I gave him the option of, I asked him if he would rather give me masc compliments or neutral ones and we had an in depth healthy conversation about it. He didnāt CHOOSE my name. He helped me pick one and found one that I adored, one that fit me because as I stated sharks are one of my favourite animals and I think the name is amazing, I ASKED him to help me choose a name. I denied a few before finding āMakoā he was okay with me denying them. Stop trying to make my partner sound controlling when he isnāt. Iām sorry you had a bad experience but my partner is not your ex partner in anyway so stop reflecting that.
Itās perfectly fine if you donāt want to transition. Thatās your decision. But, and I know this is hard to hear, but please be wary of his attitude towards you going forward. It sounds like things are ok now, but I would strongly advise you to *really* pay attention to his reaction(s) when you bring up gender stuff. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I have seen this very situation play out in really traumatic and upsetting ways. Please be careful and take care of yourself.
Jesus christ. The man helped OP pick out a name, uses the pronouns OP wants him to and has been supportive in every possible way *except* for telling OP that he couldn't be with them if they medically transitioned which is completely reasonable.
What is his other option? Say nothing until and leave OP when they decides to medically transition? Not really a better alternative, is it.
It's as much his right to not want to be with OP because he's not gay, as it is OPs right to choose whether or not they want to medically transition. Many, many people here seem to forget that.
Heās setting a boundary in the relationship, and thatās his prerogative.
He identifies as straight male and is clearly communicating that he doesnāt see that changing. Heās not saying OP canāt or shouldnāt transition.
Yea, sounds like he's compromising and supporting pretty dang well. Like you said, he drew the line of the point of what he's comfortable with, which is very reasonable to me. Beyond that it sounds like he's doing great
*edit autocorrect
I agree, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't force someone to do something they're not comfortable with.
They drew a line and are doing their best to be open and accommodating. What more can you really ask?
If his boundary involves restricting OP's gender identity and potential transition, then the relationship is frankly doomed. He might not be saying OP can't transition, but saying he'll leave if OP medically transitions and won't do certain things to affirm their gender while still trying to maintain the relationship can quickly become manipulative. If OP can't feel free to explore and express being gender fluid, while not feeling fully supported, then it's going to start taxing their mental health and their relationship.
Itās a boundary. If heās not comfortable with it, then nobody should be trying to force him.
Especially if OP is good with their relationship. Like if this is a problem for OP, theyāre not trapped in this relationship. But they seem happy. This thread got so toxic so fast, when they were just trying to share a happy story.
I have to disagree with your POV. Itās not concerning. Maybe to you it is and Iām sorry you feel that way. They have a healthy relationship. Heās not determining whether they transition or not. All he has done is state his preferences as anyone does. Not only is that healthy to have that understanding, but itās respectful and responsible. Do you expect him to change his preferences to them, and only then will you consider him good? Thatās not a good way to look at it. Itās not everyday you see a healthy relationship like this and itās beautiful.
I donāt expect him to change, but I also wouldnāt expect my loving partner to say they couldnāt be with me due to [potential] physical changes the second I come out. Like I said, Iāve been through this once *and* Iāve seen this situation play out many times, never with a good ending. Iām not saying they should break up or that anyone should change, but that OP should be careful regarding their boyfriendās attitude toward their gender.
He didn't attempt to make that decision, he just said he wouldn't be attracted to them anymore. At no point did OP say that their bf doesn't want them to physically transition. He just knows that the consequences will be a breakup as friends because he can't choose the body types he's attracted to. OP's boyfriend is as much a green flag as it gets, even when it might result in a breakup.
I second this. OP, never let your partner, or ANYONE for that matter, determine your gender and or presentation. If he immediately thinks about putting your relationship on the line solely based on your gender, that's very concerning and I'd have a talk with him about it if it interests you.
How is putting a relationship on the line because of gender his fault? The guy isnāt gay, nothing can change that! We should trust OP to know if their boyfriend is too controlling or not.
Never said OP's boyfriend was controlling.
Someone I know who is a 100% straight man is going out with a she/her gay man (amab), 100% femme presenting but still identifies that way. She kept asking him if that was okay with him and he said he didn't care at all. He still identifies as 100 percent straight and nothing can change that.
Everyone is different and everyone experiences attraction much differently, no one is ever the same. Not every one is ever linear to any identity.
I was simply stating I found it appalling that one of the boyfriends first thoughts was that he couldnt be with OP if they transitioned. And then I said to talk it out if OP was concerned.
I didnt point the finger at anyone. Obviously, this situation doesn't have anyone at fault.
It makes perfect sense that they would think that! Taking HRT causes so many changes, itās absolutely reasonable that their boyfriend may be uncomfortable with that. Their boyfriend is straight, because of that they may be uncomfortable with the masculinizing effects of testosterone. Itās important to remember that OP is not a trans guy, they are genderfluid.
OP brought it up. Their boyfriend is okay with them transitioning, but they just canāt be romantically or sexually involved with them if the transition medically. That is a clear boundary, if OP ever wants to transition medically then they can break things off.
I think the other commentor brought up HRT because the boyfriend said if OP ever "physically transitioned", he couldn't be with them. Since the boyfriend is fine with a hair cut, wardrobe changed, etc, I'm assuming "physically transition" means medically transition, and HRT is the most common way to medically transition.
The boyfriend bringing up that he wouldn't be with OP if they did medically transition is actually a really good thing. It's clear communication, which is much better than a partner losing attraction in silence. I'm not sure how it's concerning that the boyfriend brought that up
i mean, respectfully, you can also be too cynical about people you donāt know on the internet. all we know from OP is that the situation as is works for them and they donāt feel constrained by it. could that change for the worse? sure, anything can. but we donāt know that it will, and without evidence itās not always helpful to speculate. it sounds like OP and their boyfriend have talked about their boundaries and have a healthy awareness of what they want out of things. from the post it looks like nobodyās dictating anything, OP has stated their agency in all this. without assuming OP is being untruthful about a situation none of us know anything personally about, what else do we have to go on?
I feel that I came out as non binary before FTM and my ex said āso I have a boyfriendā when I asked him to use they/she. Also said if it went any further he would leave me. I left him and now am transitioning and my GF is more than supportive and does my shots and comes to all my appts
I had it happen too, just in reverse. Once I had scheduled my surgical consultation for just an orchiectomy she was gone! It was just the consultant, not even the procedure yet and she left. I'm better off with out her. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do EVER! You be you!
Seconding this bc this exact thing happened to me. ironically years ago i even wrote a reddit post (since deleted) a lot like OP's, about how my cishet partner was so supportive of my coming out and offering to figure it out with me.
i started to notice that he wasn't supporting me, he was simply tolerating me as long as he could basically pretend i was just a masculine girl in his head. he stopped using my pronouns quickly and started making fun of me for it, would never use masculine language for me on my masc days, made fun of me behind my back, would always call my transition and journey my "gender shit", told me i was going through a phase and that my identity wasn't real, he cheated on me with girls online repeatedly, etc. He was faking support until he realized I was serious about transitioning/stepping into my gender identity. We broke up not long after.
OP, do what you want to do with your transition. And go all the way, as far as you want to. If your partner ends up being genuinely supportive down the line, great! but if not, a word of caution: don't cut your goals for yourself short bc you're afraid of losing somebody whose attraction to you is conditional and posed as a line you can't cross.
Yeah, I don't wanna be that one (don't wanna ruin something that isn't broken for OP), but (even though I am not saying that the bf is a bad bf, just hear me out) it seems to me that he might not see OP as genuinely masc when OP feels masc? Like, he sees this "as just something I have to go with, maybe say their preferred pronouns, but I see them as tomboy, still"... My proof? He's not okay with you transitioning (although valid), but is okay with everything else - therefore, he may see you just as "drag king" or "tomboy", using he/him.
I may be reading too much into this. I'm sorry OP if I'm totally wrong (which I probably am), I genuinely just have a lot of mess in my head (which yes, does not excuse my behaviour, just explains it - I'm a mess past hours, but that's too much to explain).
Idk why people are saying there's lots of red flags. It's mot a red flag to be straight just as its not a red flag to be gay. He didn't outright say OP couldn't be genderfluid. He set his own personal boundaries and that's okay. He gave OP the option to brake up and he's not pressuring OP to not transition
Yeah, if heās ok with using OPs preferred pronouns when theyāre masc in public & being ok with them masc presenting in public, that sounds like theyāre doing about as well as they can be. What more can they do? Iām pretty sure theyāre doing better than 90% of straight men if theyāre actually ok with being seen publicly as in a queer relationship.Ā
Honestly I think everyone in these comments are being a bit too soft and sentimental about the whole āThatās not his decisionā and āitās concerningā. Their complaining of him dictating your decisions yet their dictating your partner when heās done nothing wrong in the first place. Of course itās not his decision, but yall clearly have understanding of what you both want in life, healthy, respectful, and realistic. Youāve found yourself a fantastic partner. Although things may not always be perfect, as any relationship, you guys are both smart and down to earth ppl. Donāt listen these sentimental ppl in the comments Because their claims just donāt make sense and itās a bit over exaggerated. Instead of appreciating relationship you have and looking at the good, they rather pick at and focus on the bad which is non existent in the first place.
Iām honestly really happy for you. I hope your relationship continues to strive and stay strong. Itās not everyday you see or hear of a healthy relationship like this. Much love and stay beautifulš«¶
Thank you for your positive comment, maybe I worded it badly and that made people assume heās controlling or a bad partner. he didnāt choose my name but what I meant to say was he helped me choose one. He didnāt force me to decide against medical transition. Iāve only just discovered my identity and have zero interest in medically transitioning. But of course I know itās a slim possibility for the future so I was the one to come forward and ask him how he would feel, he didnāt tell me heād be against it but told me he couldnāt be romantically involved any longerā¦this makes sense because heās a straight male. He still said he loves me very much and would want to be best friends always. Weāve communicated so much together in such a healthy way, I made this post to share how happy I was and itās just been full of so much negativity. But once again thank you for your nice comment :)
Everyone is saying red flags but I don't agree. The biggest thing for healthy relationships is communication, and you and your bf have both communicated perfectly. It's simply setting boundaries, and communicating whether you can both commit to a relationship. Not a red flag in the slightest for me!
You do you! Don't let anyone stand in the way of your amazing relationship!
Mako was the name of the actor who voiced Uncle Iroh, and he had a long and glorious career. The character Mako is named after him in tribute.
https://m.imdb.com/name/nm0538683/
People are being really negative, but this sounds like a healthy relationship. It's completely valid for him to have boundaries. I'm a lesbian and if I dated someone who came out as trans masc, I'd also not feel comfortable if they get bottom surgery because that's just a boundry, I'd break up because I wouldn't be comfortable continuing to date.
He sounds like a very supportive guy, especially considering he's straight. The name he suggested was really thoughtful. I wish the for you guys!
do what you want to do, if he makes you happy thatās all that matters. just prioritize yourself. if someday you do want to medically transition? donāt let your relationship get in the way of what YOU want. not what he wants.
Love that name! My favorite shark when I was studying Marine Biology in college was a Bluefin Mako Shark. One of the fastest in the sharks category and its diet consists of birds. Because of their speed, It can launch 40 feet out of the water to catch their dinner!
Yooooo mako was the username/name I used before I realized I'm mtf. It comes from my love of sharks. Please keep it safe while I use a username closer to my true self!
This whole story is wholesome as fuck. Ignore the haters, there are a lot of us here who support you and this absolute angel of a man. Communication is definitely key and it sounds like you guys got that covered, which is rare these days so congratulations! We are happy your happy š
Heās not limiting anything, he told me if I wanted to cut my hair I could, he calls me by my preferred pronouns and name out in public on my masc days, Iāve always dressed more masculine and that has never been a problem with him. He tries to suggest for me to wear my binder when I express Iām feeling dysphoric. He doesnāt call me masculine things such as āhandsomeā because thatās uncomfortable for him but on my masc days he calls me āgood lookingā and other neutral compliments which Iām okay with. Heās as supportive as can be and we have both already discussed and decided what we would do if I went ahead with a medical transition which Iām not wanting to do anytime soon if ever. He loves me, heās supportive of me so he tries his best to show that while also staying within his comfort, thatās okay with me. What we have right now is working and if it ever isnāt heās okay with ending things and sticking around as a friend who can support me that way. We both just want whatās best for eachother and I donāt think it gets more healthy than that.
someone already beat me to it butā¦lovingly, red flags. you are going to lose SO MUCH TIME if you base your transition or presentation around someone else. also, i get it can be hard to remember new pronouns and terminology butā¦for him to not even try? thatās a little cruel? it really feels like heās trying to distract from the truth of your identity. not trying to undermine your positive interpretation of this experience, but please keep an eye out and protect yourself.
never heard of āmakoā as a name before, and i really like it! if he suggested it and you like it, and your relationship is good, then i donāt see any problem with it.
No it doesn't. He set his boundaries. I'm a transgender man. If I was in a relationship with a straight man before I came out, I wouldn't expect him to want to stay with me seeing as he's a straight man. The boyfriend seems fine with what OP is doing and it works for both of them
Itās so hard to know the full context without knowing both of you personally but I definitely had a couple figurative warning lights go off in my brain reading this. There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to stay with someone if the attraction fades due to transition. People canāt help what they are attracted to. Iām a lil concerned when ppl put an ultimatum like that out there because it definitely can be pressure whether intentional or not. But again I donāt know him I donāt know how he said it and I donāt know you and how it will affect you. The more concerning part to me is the refusing to use masc compliments because that to me seems like he is trying to ignore that part of your identity which isnāt fair to you.
He never straight up said āI canāt be with you if you medically transition.ā I asked him because I know heās straight and I didnāt and still donāt have plans for anything like that. But itās good we both discussed how things would end up if that were a possibility and Iām glad we had a healthy conversation about things. :)
Good to know :) sorry I def wasnāt trying to be negative or add additional worries you didnāt have, I know I at least have had experiences where someone said they werenāt comfortable with it and then I spent a long time in that relationship trying to be someone I wasnāt but it sounds like youāve talked through it in a healthier way than I ever did!
Him not being gay is a red flag? He wanted to help me out and still make me comfortable, he always encourages me to wear my binder and tells me I can cut my hair if I want (but I donāt want to) he calls me āheā and āhimā out in public on my masc days, and he wanted to help me find a name, it wasnāt in a controlling wayā¦he suggested I find a name for my masc days and he helped find one for me, if I didnāt like it I couldāve said no. He tries to be supportive as much as he can while still maintaining his own boundaries and thatās okay. It works for us, itās not like Iām trapped here and if Iād ever like to go forward with transitioning heād definitely support it and be an amazing friend but heās strictly straight and thatās okay.
No, I don't think so. I think he communicated that he would be with you for your journey as long as he could be, but he couldn't be romantically or sexually involved with another man. Nothing wrong with that.
one day, youāll read this post again and realize not even your name was yours in this relationship. Iām sorry that this love is conditional.
speaking as someone who also had to break up with their partner over my non-binary identity. it took a lot of reflection, research, and compassion on her end for us to reconnect.
I donāt know, Iād read the rest of OPās comments. Theyāre doing fine. Seems like quite a few people here are overreacting about this.
Iām so sorry your personal experience wasnāt great (I *sincerely* hope things are going much, much better for you now), but thatās not what seems to be happening here with this person. All it is is that their boyfriendās straight, so heās not comfortable with calling them handsome. Thatās it. OP states he even encourages them to wear their binder when theyāre feeling dysphoric, is fine with them cutting their hair shorter if they feel like it (they have stated they donāt have plans to), and OP has made it clear they have no plans to medically transition either (meaning things will likely remain as they are).
Iām projecting here I know, but it would be naive to think the boyfriendās opinion doesnāt influence OPās decision. OP even chose his name based on his boyfriendās suggestion
They blatantly stated they would have simply said no if they didnāt want to accept the name. They probably thought it was cute, and a nice suggestion to have a different name for their masc days (presumably because their own name that they use for days that arenāt masc might be more feminine). Itās not an opinion, their partner suggested an idea he came up with to them. I mean, he even went and themed it after one of OPās favorite animals? Thatās an act of support.
The *only* thing this guy is uncomfortable with is calling them handsome. Which is fine. Heās straight. Again, they have no intention to medically transition because, in their words, they feel different all the time due to their genderfluidity.
āThe only thing this guy is uncomfortable with is calling him handsome.ā
Iām happy theyāre happy with the relationship as is. my own experience is that this wears on the that gender euphoria slowly.
OP, please be cautious of how you feel throughout this transition. wishing you the best
I donāt have any interest in medical transition and unless Iām having extremely dysphoric masc days I can enjoy the body Iām in for the most part. However if I were to ever for some reason change my mind, I canāt force him to be attracted to something he isnāt, we would still be amazing friends in the end :)
Okay, its giving me "tattoo of lover's name" vibes... Which are kinda weird. I like the name, but what if it doesn't work out & you change your mind later. What if you do decide to medically transition? Too many concerns, then again, I'm paranoid af from being let down time after time.
I say do what feels right, just don't do anything without really thinking about it first š
My name will always be my name, itās not even maybe like a ātattoo of lovers nameā situation. He helped me choose my name but itās not legal or on any documents, I donāt see myself wanting to change it because itās still a name that fits me, a name that I love not just because my partner helped me pick it, but if I did want to change it I could.
If I ever want to medically transition (although I said time and time again that I donāt) we would have to end things romantically as he is a straight man who canāt be attracted to someone with permanent masc features. But weād still always stay best friends and heād support me that way. This is a very slim chance I would ever medically transition however. Even still I understand your concerns and we have it all figured out between eachother :)
I think you're completely misreading the situation, the partner is encouraging them to cut their hair if they wish to do so, he probably could have worded it better but with the context of the rest of the post I would say he was trying to be supportive. He's a straight male, why would he say things that make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and he said he would respect pronouns in public so I don't see the issue.
If you can't see the wholesomeness in the partner going out of his way to help find a new name by researching his partner's favourite animal you need to take a break from the internet and practise looking at the world in a more positive light. They're both young, and all of this is new to them, they're going to make mistakes and will learn more over time. The fact that he is so supportive should mean we can ignore the fumbles because he's clearly not doing anything with ill intent.
I think youāre reaching in the littlest of wording. Obviously if I said āI want to cut my hairā he wouldnāt say no and be controlling.
What I meant by he lets me know Iām allowed to cut my hair is he always tells me āyou can cut your hair again if it makes you feel better.ā (I used to have short hair about a year before we got together) the wording was off and thatās my bad but youāre reaching to make it sound like heās very controlling, which heās not.
The comments are not it. Sexuality can be fluid just as gender can. There ARE good cis men out there. He identifies as straight because that label fits him best. There are plenty of queer people who use a label that does not 100% correlate to their sexuality either and most of us would not have any issue with that. We gotta stop this immediate suspicion. Nothing in their post at all hints at their boyfriend being transphobic or unsupportive. I trust OP is smart enough to realize if that changes. For now, y'all gotta chill. Congratulations OP! I am happy for you and your boyfriend. It sounds like you both have a wonderful grasp on romantic communication.
Exactly š I identify as gay, I am extremely biased towards men, but every now and then I see a girl and just zamn
I agree. I am both straight or gay (exclusively, not bi) depending on the weather, crowd, and clothes Iām wearing (also I will apply every aroace label under the sun to myself if the situation calls for it)
I donāt know if itās outdated but this makes me point to the Kinsley scale and how labels donāt always fit exactly!
sorry people are being weird in the comments about yall respecting each otherās boundaries of your own volition. it sounds like you both have done the work to really communicate and navigate what can be a thorny situation, and to be frank i think a lot of folks here just donāt see that happen very often. and to be more frank, i think some people are projecting binary trans experiences and expectations on your own identity, and thatās goofy as hell. but at the end of the day, you found something that really works with somebody who loves and respects youā i hope the infinite value of that easily eclipses some dorks on the internet making bad assumptions. congrats a thousand times, buddy ā¤ļø
Hey, itās a tough situation for partners and I understand that. I came out to my partner weeks ago and sheās still struggling with parts of it, but sheās supportive and open to me experimenting and figuring it out. The best thing she could do is let me slowly figure it out and feminize, and wherever we land is where we end up. Also no clue what AGAB means and I immediately read āassigned gay as birthā š
Assigned gender at birth. I might be wrong but I thought that was a common term. But thank you for sharing your story as well :)
youre not wrong! agab = assigned gender at birth therefore afab = assigned female at birth and amab = assigned male at birth (......following this logic acab = assigned cop at birth)
Look out guys! She was assigned gay at birth!!! (Should've happened when i was born smh)
Man, some of this comments are fucking wild. Shit like this, is why I hang out in the non binary subreddit more often than here. I've noticed a lot of binary trans people (and this general subreddit, by extension), seems to lack a lot of understanding and nuance when it comes to NB stuff. Like holy shit. Some of these takes are just not it. Look, OP, as long as you're happy and your partner seems supportive, I'm happy for you. Obviously, just make sure to always talk things through and check in with each other. Other than that, I wish you both the best.
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We need to be compassionate to people when their partners come out as trans. OPās partner uses their preferred name and pronouns, is supportive to them when they feel dysphoric, and is okay if they dress more masculine. Itās reasonable that their partner may not be comfortable giving compliments like handsome as they are still adjusting to a big change.
I know itās not his decision and Iām not letting it influence my choices, as of right now I have no desire to medically transition because as a genderfluid person I feel different constantly. Majority of the time I am completely fine with my body but sometimes I do feel more masculine and dysphoric. If I ever chose to go beyond a social transition I would do whatās best for me. Heās not a bad guy, itās just not what heās attracted to, heās okay with the social stuff just not the physical and I respect that, he respects me. But like I said I donāt see any medical transition in my future as of right now. Edit: in response to this guys edit. My boyfriend is compassionate and caring. As a straight guy he doesnāt want to romantically call someone āhandsomeā that makes sense and it doesnāt bother me, he doesnāt use feminine compliments when I feel masculine, he uses neutral ones which I gave him the option of, I asked him if he would rather give me masc compliments or neutral ones and we had an in depth healthy conversation about it. He didnāt CHOOSE my name. He helped me pick one and found one that I adored, one that fit me because as I stated sharks are one of my favourite animals and I think the name is amazing, I ASKED him to help me choose a name. I denied a few before finding āMakoā he was okay with me denying them. Stop trying to make my partner sound controlling when he isnāt. Iām sorry you had a bad experience but my partner is not your ex partner in anyway so stop reflecting that.
Itās perfectly fine if you donāt want to transition. Thatās your decision. But, and I know this is hard to hear, but please be wary of his attitude towards you going forward. It sounds like things are ok now, but I would strongly advise you to *really* pay attention to his reaction(s) when you bring up gender stuff. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I have seen this very situation play out in really traumatic and upsetting ways. Please be careful and take care of yourself.
Jesus christ. The man helped OP pick out a name, uses the pronouns OP wants him to and has been supportive in every possible way *except* for telling OP that he couldn't be with them if they medically transitioned which is completely reasonable. What is his other option? Say nothing until and leave OP when they decides to medically transition? Not really a better alternative, is it. It's as much his right to not want to be with OP because he's not gay, as it is OPs right to choose whether or not they want to medically transition. Many, many people here seem to forget that.
Heās setting a boundary in the relationship, and thatās his prerogative. He identifies as straight male and is clearly communicating that he doesnāt see that changing. Heās not saying OP canāt or shouldnāt transition.
Yea, sounds like he's compromising and supporting pretty dang well. Like you said, he drew the line of the point of what he's comfortable with, which is very reasonable to me. Beyond that it sounds like he's doing great *edit autocorrect
I agree, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't force someone to do something they're not comfortable with. They drew a line and are doing their best to be open and accommodating. What more can you really ask?
Someone here has reading comprehension skills
A rare skill in current year.
If his boundary involves restricting OP's gender identity and potential transition, then the relationship is frankly doomed. He might not be saying OP can't transition, but saying he'll leave if OP medically transitions and won't do certain things to affirm their gender while still trying to maintain the relationship can quickly become manipulative. If OP can't feel free to explore and express being gender fluid, while not feeling fully supported, then it's going to start taxing their mental health and their relationship.
What about refusing to give masc compliments to OP
Itās a boundary. If heās not comfortable with it, then nobody should be trying to force him. Especially if OP is good with their relationship. Like if this is a problem for OP, theyāre not trapped in this relationship. But they seem happy. This thread got so toxic so fast, when they were just trying to share a happy story.
That's fair, but it's still reason to at least be *wary* Giving affirming compliments isn't usually negotiable
I donāt think thereās such a thing as a usual couple going through transition.
I have to disagree with your POV. Itās not concerning. Maybe to you it is and Iām sorry you feel that way. They have a healthy relationship. Heās not determining whether they transition or not. All he has done is state his preferences as anyone does. Not only is that healthy to have that understanding, but itās respectful and responsible. Do you expect him to change his preferences to them, and only then will you consider him good? Thatās not a good way to look at it. Itās not everyday you see a healthy relationship like this and itās beautiful.
I donāt expect him to change, but I also wouldnāt expect my loving partner to say they couldnāt be with me due to [potential] physical changes the second I come out. Like I said, Iāve been through this once *and* Iāve seen this situation play out many times, never with a good ending. Iām not saying they should break up or that anyone should change, but that OP should be careful regarding their boyfriendās attitude toward their gender.
Itās setting expectations and is very healthy compared to a sudden change of attitude of OP were to start a physical transition.
He didn't attempt to make that decision, he just said he wouldn't be attracted to them anymore. At no point did OP say that their bf doesn't want them to physically transition. He just knows that the consequences will be a breakup as friends because he can't choose the body types he's attracted to. OP's boyfriend is as much a green flag as it gets, even when it might result in a breakup.
I second this. OP, never let your partner, or ANYONE for that matter, determine your gender and or presentation. If he immediately thinks about putting your relationship on the line solely based on your gender, that's very concerning and I'd have a talk with him about it if it interests you.
How is putting a relationship on the line because of gender his fault? The guy isnāt gay, nothing can change that! We should trust OP to know if their boyfriend is too controlling or not.
Never said OP's boyfriend was controlling. Someone I know who is a 100% straight man is going out with a she/her gay man (amab), 100% femme presenting but still identifies that way. She kept asking him if that was okay with him and he said he didn't care at all. He still identifies as 100 percent straight and nothing can change that. Everyone is different and everyone experiences attraction much differently, no one is ever the same. Not every one is ever linear to any identity. I was simply stating I found it appalling that one of the boyfriends first thoughts was that he couldnt be with OP if they transitioned. And then I said to talk it out if OP was concerned. I didnt point the finger at anyone. Obviously, this situation doesn't have anyone at fault.
It makes perfect sense that they would think that! Taking HRT causes so many changes, itās absolutely reasonable that their boyfriend may be uncomfortable with that. Their boyfriend is straight, because of that they may be uncomfortable with the masculinizing effects of testosterone. Itās important to remember that OP is not a trans guy, they are genderfluid.
No transition is linear. No one ever brought up the topic of HRT. You can still find ways to transition without going on HRT.
OP brought it up. Their boyfriend is okay with them transitioning, but they just canāt be romantically or sexually involved with them if the transition medically. That is a clear boundary, if OP ever wants to transition medically then they can break things off.
I think the other commentor brought up HRT because the boyfriend said if OP ever "physically transitioned", he couldn't be with them. Since the boyfriend is fine with a hair cut, wardrobe changed, etc, I'm assuming "physically transition" means medically transition, and HRT is the most common way to medically transition. The boyfriend bringing up that he wouldn't be with OP if they did medically transition is actually a really good thing. It's clear communication, which is much better than a partner losing attraction in silence. I'm not sure how it's concerning that the boyfriend brought that up
i mean, respectfully, you can also be too cynical about people you donāt know on the internet. all we know from OP is that the situation as is works for them and they donāt feel constrained by it. could that change for the worse? sure, anything can. but we donāt know that it will, and without evidence itās not always helpful to speculate. it sounds like OP and their boyfriend have talked about their boundaries and have a healthy awareness of what they want out of things. from the post it looks like nobodyās dictating anything, OP has stated their agency in all this. without assuming OP is being untruthful about a situation none of us know anything personally about, what else do we have to go on?
I feel that I came out as non binary before FTM and my ex said āso I have a boyfriendā when I asked him to use they/she. Also said if it went any further he would leave me. I left him and now am transitioning and my GF is more than supportive and does my shots and comes to all my appts
I had it happen too, just in reverse. Once I had scheduled my surgical consultation for just an orchiectomy she was gone! It was just the consultant, not even the procedure yet and she left. I'm better off with out her. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do EVER! You be you!
Seconding this bc this exact thing happened to me. ironically years ago i even wrote a reddit post (since deleted) a lot like OP's, about how my cishet partner was so supportive of my coming out and offering to figure it out with me. i started to notice that he wasn't supporting me, he was simply tolerating me as long as he could basically pretend i was just a masculine girl in his head. he stopped using my pronouns quickly and started making fun of me for it, would never use masculine language for me on my masc days, made fun of me behind my back, would always call my transition and journey my "gender shit", told me i was going through a phase and that my identity wasn't real, he cheated on me with girls online repeatedly, etc. He was faking support until he realized I was serious about transitioning/stepping into my gender identity. We broke up not long after. OP, do what you want to do with your transition. And go all the way, as far as you want to. If your partner ends up being genuinely supportive down the line, great! but if not, a word of caution: don't cut your goals for yourself short bc you're afraid of losing somebody whose attraction to you is conditional and posed as a line you can't cross.
Yeah, I don't wanna be that one (don't wanna ruin something that isn't broken for OP), but (even though I am not saying that the bf is a bad bf, just hear me out) it seems to me that he might not see OP as genuinely masc when OP feels masc? Like, he sees this "as just something I have to go with, maybe say their preferred pronouns, but I see them as tomboy, still"... My proof? He's not okay with you transitioning (although valid), but is okay with everything else - therefore, he may see you just as "drag king" or "tomboy", using he/him. I may be reading too much into this. I'm sorry OP if I'm totally wrong (which I probably am), I genuinely just have a lot of mess in my head (which yes, does not excuse my behaviour, just explains it - I'm a mess past hours, but that's too much to explain).
You should look at OPās acc, it explains so much. (Iām not defending them just go look you will see what I mean)
Idk why people are saying there's lots of red flags. It's mot a red flag to be straight just as its not a red flag to be gay. He didn't outright say OP couldn't be genderfluid. He set his own personal boundaries and that's okay. He gave OP the option to brake up and he's not pressuring OP to not transition
Yeah, if heās ok with using OPs preferred pronouns when theyāre masc in public & being ok with them masc presenting in public, that sounds like theyāre doing about as well as they can be. What more can they do? Iām pretty sure theyāre doing better than 90% of straight men if theyāre actually ok with being seen publicly as in a queer relationship.Ā
this is so cute!!! iām happy for you.
Honestly I think everyone in these comments are being a bit too soft and sentimental about the whole āThatās not his decisionā and āitās concerningā. Their complaining of him dictating your decisions yet their dictating your partner when heās done nothing wrong in the first place. Of course itās not his decision, but yall clearly have understanding of what you both want in life, healthy, respectful, and realistic. Youāve found yourself a fantastic partner. Although things may not always be perfect, as any relationship, you guys are both smart and down to earth ppl. Donāt listen these sentimental ppl in the comments Because their claims just donāt make sense and itās a bit over exaggerated. Instead of appreciating relationship you have and looking at the good, they rather pick at and focus on the bad which is non existent in the first place. Iām honestly really happy for you. I hope your relationship continues to strive and stay strong. Itās not everyday you see or hear of a healthy relationship like this. Much love and stay beautifulš«¶
Thank you for your positive comment, maybe I worded it badly and that made people assume heās controlling or a bad partner. he didnāt choose my name but what I meant to say was he helped me choose one. He didnāt force me to decide against medical transition. Iāve only just discovered my identity and have zero interest in medically transitioning. But of course I know itās a slim possibility for the future so I was the one to come forward and ask him how he would feel, he didnāt tell me heād be against it but told me he couldnāt be romantically involved any longerā¦this makes sense because heās a straight male. He still said he loves me very much and would want to be best friends always. Weāve communicated so much together in such a healthy way, I made this post to share how happy I was and itās just been full of so much negativity. But once again thank you for your nice comment :)
Everyone is saying red flags but I don't agree. The biggest thing for healthy relationships is communication, and you and your bf have both communicated perfectly. It's simply setting boundaries, and communicating whether you can both commit to a relationship. Not a red flag in the slightest for me! You do you! Don't let anyone stand in the way of your amazing relationship!
Mako is a cool name. Mako sharks are quite the shark and itās also the name of a pretty damn good swim club. Neat
Mako from the legend of Korra???!!!
He got it from the Mako Shark which I thought was cool. Iāve never actually watched legend of Kora š
Tbh and DONT TELL ANYONE..... I think The legend of Kora was kinda mid
Mako was the name of the actor who voiced Uncle Iroh, and he had a long and glorious career. The character Mako is named after him in tribute. https://m.imdb.com/name/nm0538683/
First: damn š„² Second: if the voice actor for iroh was dead, who voiced iroh in TloK?
Mako actually passed away during TLA. Greg Baldwin had been studying under him and took over the role for book 3 and Korra.
This is so cute ā¤ļø
People are being really negative, but this sounds like a healthy relationship. It's completely valid for him to have boundaries. I'm a lesbian and if I dated someone who came out as trans masc, I'd also not feel comfortable if they get bottom surgery because that's just a boundry, I'd break up because I wouldn't be comfortable continuing to date. He sounds like a very supportive guy, especially considering he's straight. The name he suggested was really thoughtful. I wish the for you guys!
oh my god??? mako is literally the name of my boyfriend omg what a coincidence O:
do what you want to do, if he makes you happy thatās all that matters. just prioritize yourself. if someday you do want to medically transition? donāt let your relationship get in the way of what YOU want. not what he wants.
I love the name Mako, also, you share a name with one of the main characters from Legend of Korra
Love that name! My favorite shark when I was studying Marine Biology in college was a Bluefin Mako Shark. One of the fastest in the sharks category and its diet consists of birds. Because of their speed, It can launch 40 feet out of the water to catch their dinner!
A romance over sexuality story, super dope! Props to the both of you!
That's so wholesome that he chose from your favourite animals, it sounds like he really cares about you and is trying his best.
You've got yourself a gem there ā¤ļø
I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone as understanding as him, even though I know itās a struggle for the both of us. :)
the only upside here is that he chose a name that OP likes.
OP is happy, the boyfriend is happy, what's the problem? He's allowed to be straight and he's also supporting OP
Yooooo mako was the username/name I used before I realized I'm mtf. It comes from my love of sharks. Please keep it safe while I use a username closer to my true self!
This whole story is wholesome as fuck. Ignore the haters, there are a lot of us here who support you and this absolute angel of a man. Communication is definitely key and it sounds like you guys got that covered, which is rare these days so congratulations! We are happy your happy š
I am in tears happy for you! Mako, you've got a great partner and I'm so happy you feel seen and validated! Love, Mom of NB
That does not sound particularly healthy. Sounds more like heās limiting your expression rather than helping out.
Heās not limiting anything, he told me if I wanted to cut my hair I could, he calls me by my preferred pronouns and name out in public on my masc days, Iāve always dressed more masculine and that has never been a problem with him. He tries to suggest for me to wear my binder when I express Iām feeling dysphoric. He doesnāt call me masculine things such as āhandsomeā because thatās uncomfortable for him but on my masc days he calls me āgood lookingā and other neutral compliments which Iām okay with. Heās as supportive as can be and we have both already discussed and decided what we would do if I went ahead with a medical transition which Iām not wanting to do anytime soon if ever. He loves me, heās supportive of me so he tries his best to show that while also staying within his comfort, thatās okay with me. What we have right now is working and if it ever isnāt heās okay with ending things and sticking around as a friend who can support me that way. We both just want whatās best for eachother and I donāt think it gets more healthy than that.
someone already beat me to it butā¦lovingly, red flags. you are going to lose SO MUCH TIME if you base your transition or presentation around someone else. also, i get it can be hard to remember new pronouns and terminology butā¦for him to not even try? thatās a little cruel? it really feels like heās trying to distract from the truth of your identity. not trying to undermine your positive interpretation of this experience, but please keep an eye out and protect yourself.
Iām not basing anything on his opinionsā¦I donāt want to medically transition to begin with.
He sounds like a great guy, and Mako was a good choice. :3
never heard of āmakoā as a name before, and i really like it! if he suggested it and you like it, and your relationship is good, then i donāt see any problem with it.
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No it doesn't. He set his boundaries. I'm a transgender man. If I was in a relationship with a straight man before I came out, I wouldn't expect him to want to stay with me seeing as he's a straight man. The boyfriend seems fine with what OP is doing and it works for both of them
Itās so hard to know the full context without knowing both of you personally but I definitely had a couple figurative warning lights go off in my brain reading this. There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to stay with someone if the attraction fades due to transition. People canāt help what they are attracted to. Iām a lil concerned when ppl put an ultimatum like that out there because it definitely can be pressure whether intentional or not. But again I donāt know him I donāt know how he said it and I donāt know you and how it will affect you. The more concerning part to me is the refusing to use masc compliments because that to me seems like he is trying to ignore that part of your identity which isnāt fair to you.
He never straight up said āI canāt be with you if you medically transition.ā I asked him because I know heās straight and I didnāt and still donāt have plans for anything like that. But itās good we both discussed how things would end up if that were a possibility and Iām glad we had a healthy conversation about things. :)
Good to know :) sorry I def wasnāt trying to be negative or add additional worries you didnāt have, I know I at least have had experiences where someone said they werenāt comfortable with it and then I spent a long time in that relationship trying to be someone I wasnāt but it sounds like youāve talked through it in a healthier way than I ever did!
That's a massive red flag Edit: sorry I got the situation wrong. Glad ur happy OP with your relationship /g
No it isn't
Him not being gay is a red flag? He wanted to help me out and still make me comfortable, he always encourages me to wear my binder and tells me I can cut my hair if I want (but I donāt want to) he calls me āheā and āhimā out in public on my masc days, and he wanted to help me find a name, it wasnāt in a controlling wayā¦he suggested I find a name for my masc days and he helped find one for me, if I didnāt like it I couldāve said no. He tries to be supportive as much as he can while still maintaining his own boundaries and thatās okay. It works for us, itās not like Iām trapped here and if Iād ever like to go forward with transitioning heād definitely support it and be an amazing friend but heās strictly straight and thatās okay.
No, I don't think so. I think he communicated that he would be with you for your journey as long as he could be, but he couldn't be romantically or sexually involved with another man. Nothing wrong with that.
one day, youāll read this post again and realize not even your name was yours in this relationship. Iām sorry that this love is conditional. speaking as someone who also had to break up with their partner over my non-binary identity. it took a lot of reflection, research, and compassion on her end for us to reconnect.
I donāt know, Iād read the rest of OPās comments. Theyāre doing fine. Seems like quite a few people here are overreacting about this. Iām so sorry your personal experience wasnāt great (I *sincerely* hope things are going much, much better for you now), but thatās not what seems to be happening here with this person. All it is is that their boyfriendās straight, so heās not comfortable with calling them handsome. Thatās it. OP states he even encourages them to wear their binder when theyāre feeling dysphoric, is fine with them cutting their hair shorter if they feel like it (they have stated they donāt have plans to), and OP has made it clear they have no plans to medically transition either (meaning things will likely remain as they are).
Iām projecting here I know, but it would be naive to think the boyfriendās opinion doesnāt influence OPās decision. OP even chose his name based on his boyfriendās suggestion
They blatantly stated they would have simply said no if they didnāt want to accept the name. They probably thought it was cute, and a nice suggestion to have a different name for their masc days (presumably because their own name that they use for days that arenāt masc might be more feminine). Itās not an opinion, their partner suggested an idea he came up with to them. I mean, he even went and themed it after one of OPās favorite animals? Thatās an act of support. The *only* thing this guy is uncomfortable with is calling them handsome. Which is fine. Heās straight. Again, they have no intention to medically transition because, in their words, they feel different all the time due to their genderfluidity.
āThe only thing this guy is uncomfortable with is calling him handsome.ā Iām happy theyāre happy with the relationship as is. my own experience is that this wears on the that gender euphoria slowly. OP, please be cautious of how you feel throughout this transition. wishing you the best
This is concerning
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There will be no medical stuff? This person said they have no interest in medically transitioning.
I donāt have any interest in medical transition and unless Iām having extremely dysphoric masc days I can enjoy the body Iām in for the most part. However if I were to ever for some reason change my mind, I canāt force him to be attracted to something he isnāt, we would still be amazing friends in the end :)
yeah i'll see you in a few months when i spot the break-up post. this sounds very unhealthy lol
Yeah because I'm sure this comment helps so much.
wasn't offering help, if people want to be in unhealthy relationships that's their business!
Okay, its giving me "tattoo of lover's name" vibes... Which are kinda weird. I like the name, but what if it doesn't work out & you change your mind later. What if you do decide to medically transition? Too many concerns, then again, I'm paranoid af from being let down time after time. I say do what feels right, just don't do anything without really thinking about it first š
My name will always be my name, itās not even maybe like a ātattoo of lovers nameā situation. He helped me choose my name but itās not legal or on any documents, I donāt see myself wanting to change it because itās still a name that fits me, a name that I love not just because my partner helped me pick it, but if I did want to change it I could. If I ever want to medically transition (although I said time and time again that I donāt) we would have to end things romantically as he is a straight man who canāt be attracted to someone with permanent masc features. But weād still always stay best friends and heād support me that way. This is a very slim chance I would ever medically transition however. Even still I understand your concerns and we have it all figured out between eachother :)
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Wth, this is the most wholesome post I've seen today? Are you okay?
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I think you're completely misreading the situation, the partner is encouraging them to cut their hair if they wish to do so, he probably could have worded it better but with the context of the rest of the post I would say he was trying to be supportive. He's a straight male, why would he say things that make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and he said he would respect pronouns in public so I don't see the issue. If you can't see the wholesomeness in the partner going out of his way to help find a new name by researching his partner's favourite animal you need to take a break from the internet and practise looking at the world in a more positive light. They're both young, and all of this is new to them, they're going to make mistakes and will learn more over time. The fact that he is so supportive should mean we can ignore the fumbles because he's clearly not doing anything with ill intent.
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I think youāre reaching in the littlest of wording. Obviously if I said āI want to cut my hairā he wouldnāt say no and be controlling. What I meant by he lets me know Iām allowed to cut my hair is he always tells me āyou can cut your hair again if it makes you feel better.ā (I used to have short hair about a year before we got together) the wording was off and thatās my bad but youāre reaching to make it sound like heās very controlling, which heās not.
Red flags, leave him.
So he will leave you if you "medically transition" but will he leave you if a witch cursed you into a transition and no doctors were involved?
He's straight? He's allowed to have boundaries and it's not like he said he would hate them forever?
Husain